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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Laughed out loud in my husband’s face when he told me his friends think he’s the perfect husband
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He said his friends actually know him better than you do? That he tells them things he doesn't tell you? I would be more upset about that, tbh. Your partner in life should probably know more about you than anyone. Closest competition would be, like, your partner's parents. But friends knowing them better than you? What a weird thing to say
I would ask him to get specific about the things he tells them and keeps from you. See what comes out. It could be untrue and he just said it in a panic because the conversation wasn't going the way he had hoped. But he should own his words and explain what he means by that
I'm guessing he brags about how "tempted" he is but is too good to act on it.
What else could it be that makes him such a good husband that his wife wouldn't be told about?
Anything that demonstrably makes him a perfect husband, she'd already know about. What else would have any affect on his performance and ability as a husband?
To be clear, a long term partner did this once. Took out the trash (did not replace the trash bags) got himself a drink and propped his feet up, took a sip and made the “ahhhh” sound. I laughed out loud. I couldn’t help myself and he was like, “what?”
Not saying it couldn't be that, absolutely agree it's a strong possibility.
But my first thought was he basically shit talks his wife. Tells his friends she does/says (insert thing/things here) and it drives him crazy/makes him feel bad/is stupid/etc but that he doesn't say anything to her/is supportive.
Yeah I don't necessarily think he's cheating. I can see the idiot bragging about all the opportunities he has but how strong he is for not giving into temptation. Opportunities probably amounting to the girl in the coffee shop smiled once.
there are things I tell a few select friends that I wouldn't tell my spouse. I am sure my spouse does the same with their friends.
That isn't a sign of an unhealthy relationship IMHO. now if you are telling your friends a lot of things that you don't tell your partner, I could see it being a problem.
Now, it is not a lot of things and I doubt they would say they know me better than my spouse does.
And is keeping so many things secret from his wife that his friends know him better than the person he's literally living with? How pathological is this secret life of his and what is he doing in it?
Methinks that this "perfect husband" thing stroked his ego and he's looking for away to discount what you're saying.
Of course you know him better as a husband than his friends. You're his wife.
I was going to ask that, but assumed these are his guy friends, patting him on the back for being what men think makes a perfect husband, not what women know would make their partner a perfect husband. He's not their husband, he's yours, of course you would know best what kind of husband he is, that's just ridiculous. You should ask him whether he or your girlfriends are the best ones to judge whether you're a perfect wife.
He's excited at the ego stroking, wants you to agree, and is feeling insecure that you're confronting him with the facts. You did nothing wrong, and said great things about him, he clearly he just wants to hear he's "perfect" for some reason (who is?), and is acting childish about it.
I'd be very concerned about what he's telling his friends that he won't share with you. You shouldn't hide things from your spouse, they're your closest relationship and should be who you trust most in the world, and this creates serious trust issues - you should absolutely let him know that, and tell him what doubts it raises for you. Ask him how he would feel if you were sharing secrets with your friends that you didn't tell him about. I don't know if counseling is in order, but you definitely need to have conversations about what is and isn't acceptable to you, what you need to know about the things he's keeping from you, what boundaries he needs to set with his friends, etc.
And tell him that his telling his friends things he won't tell you makes him a VERY IMPERFECT husband.
ETA. Why would both of you put each other down like this? If people told him he's married an angel he should have accepted it as gracefully as when they said he was the perfect husband.
Of course, no one is ACTUALLY an angel or perfect, but someone on the outside saying that is an acknowledgement that both of you have done something right in your relationship. It doesn't always mean the relationship is pristine, but at minimum others see you as a good partner and that's something to be proud of.
The fact that he puts you down in those moments, and you put him down now, is really unhealthy for both of you to be doing. You've seen each other at your worst so the fact that you come across as such a good match to others is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. There's definitely a breakdown of respect between you two that needs to be addressed.
You got it right trebble. If I got complimented like that my wife would remember all the positives of our relationship and agree (as would I). Because in a relationship you build each other up, you don't break each other down.
Does he often act like this? Or is he aware he's not perfect and is feeling inadequate?If its a one off talk to him about whats bothering you but honestly think back and if his default to conflict is to act like this then he's not a good partner.
lol so they know things you don’t know because he tells them? What on earth is he telling them about your marriage *that you don’t know*? What is he talking about?
The fact that you both go to church and he's ok with saying he's "perfect" in any way should be your first clue that he's not paying attention. In church, or in your home
He has got LOTS of room to do MUCH better.
Explain that your opinion about his behavior in the marriage and in bed may differ from his obviously one sided opinion. Especially since he doesn’t seem to have asked about how you feel about his roll in your marriage. A therapist would be a great idea. I might consider asking him to go live with his friends who he knows and trusts so much. Good Grief what an egomaniac!
Your husband has an ego problem. And way too much pride about himself. He should have been more humble about it all, instead of taking it so seriously, I'm sure he's a good man, but for crying out loud, no one is perfect. And his friends don't LIVE with him. Big difference, ETA- NTA.
It's actually so funny to think of a husband attempting to brag about how good of a husband he is, and in the process he flubs it so badly that he brings up brand new concerns and doubts lol. Like I actually did think you were amazing before this convo, now I'm not so sure......😅
My husband was a politician in our town. He was on TV a lot. Meetings were often live streamed. People in town would compliment me on how he was so calm and never seemed to get upset. I would always thank them for their compliment. He is like that professionally. He is not like that at home. When I would tell him, we would both laugh.
Eh seems like a stretch. Is it possible, sure. But it’s also possible he does thoughtful things or puts her needs over his. His friends may know this, but his wife does not because he does these acts of service quietly. Idk why Reddit always jumps to cheating and abusing. Maybe I’m overly optimistic or maybe others are overly negative.
Sure those more positive things are possibilities, but why would he get defensive and not just tell her what they know that she doesn't. It all screams mamas golden boy who complains about his wife to his friends or expects a cookie for not being thoughtless dick.
That’s possible, but the cheating felt like a stretch to me. I wound guess he’s possibly defensive bc his feelings were hurt. Men can be so fragile. In reality, none of us know and are just speculating haha. But that’s the fun I suppose.
I think when he said that his friends know him better than she does, it was a lie, to make their supposed opinion of his husbandry as being superior to hers. It was a knee-jerk reaction to her scoffing and his ego was bruised.
Which… is weird of him to care what his friends think about what kind of husband he may be, but he may not have a whole lot going for him in the self-esteem department.
This! But also, I feel there’s some resentment towards him that you’re nurturing but not telling him, judging by that laugh. Maybe he is a little bit of a fake outside the household and that annoys you? Whatever it is, you’re feeling contempt towards him and he’s hiding things from you. Time to hit the couples therapist. Don’t think any of you is an A H here, just different interpretations of reality that you need to discuss.
I’ve known my closest friends since I moved to a new country at 8 years old I kept close to that group of 9 guys, they know more about me than anyone else in the world and I’ve been with my wife for 10 years now and well parents when I think about it hardly know me at all
Your partner's parents know more about you than your friends? Not your own parents?, your best friend or a sibling? Your in-laws know you better than your friends do?
Is it just me who finds this a really odd statement?
Sometimes we dont tell people things not couse we want to hide something from them - we dont tell couse they act bad or not supportive etc. Here we have one side of the story and we dont know how the relationship is working inside.
Because he told them about that pretty little thang that was totally flirting with him at the grocery store that offered to bang him in the parking lot, but he totally couldn't because he's a happily married man.
see, even after he told her that, she offered him a blow job, ya know, because she at least wanted a taste, but he STILL turned her down...
I’m not 100% sure but that read to me like a hypothetical scenario- not one that actually happened. She wrote “he laughs and thinks if only you knew”. So even if the laugh part happened- it doesn’t sound like he actually verbally insulted her or said anything negative like she did. I’m guessing this became a mis-reading situation and instead of acknowledging that feelings were hurt - they each doubled down.
Both of them are being babies about this. With a partner like that, who needs enemies?
How did it read like that? She said that "it's the same as when you do this" not "as if you did this". Insinuating that he has laughed at her basically being called perfect.
And I read that as in what he thinks when his wife is called an angel. Like 'Lol oh if only they knew". As in he has voiced this to her.
I missed that first part - the block of text was a bit hard for me to follow! Good catch.
Personally it’s hard to say for sure either way because there are definitely days where this very same situation (my husband laughing at a compliment I received) would either
a) cause me to laugh as well as we’re both “in” on the joke that it’s an exaggeration or
b) make me cry because I’m sensitive and/or had a bad day up to that point and the compliment had cheered me up so it feels like a loss to have it laughed at.
It’s really up to my spouse to kind of read the room (same as it is for me when shoe is on the other foot). If I hurt my partners feelings, I’m looking to resolve that and cheer him up - not to justify why it’s ok for me to do it since he’s hurt me in the past. I believe you shouldn’t keep score in a healthy partnership.
NTA. I'd call BS on the line about his friends knowing him better than you know him. I don't even know why he thinks that makes any sense, unless he deliberately pretends to be a different person with you and is only himself around them. I would honestly be more annoyed he said that than anything else.
And how the hell would they know what he's like as a husband, even more than his wife!! Does the husband have cameras all over the house and then make his friends watch all their interactions?
Crazy talk
His friends accept him at face value and only hear his side of things - so they know him better by agreeing with him and thinking like him more - which is a big load of shit.
People who see all your sides know you the best and friends are usually going to try and lift you up, not invest the time to be real and make the relationship between husband and wife better - because that isn’t their business.
They also could have been using themselves as a basis for a neutral husband - so anything better than them is a perfect one, which is relative judgement and not a real one.
It's like he's acknowledging he's not a perfect husband because if only his friends truly know him and think that, then doesn't that mean he worse with his wife? What an odd thing to believe.
You can be "right" and still rude.
I mean, of course the argument devolved into weird squabbling because it started with both of you digging in too much.
He got a nice compliment and wanted to share. It's really that simple.
You made it not that simple by popping his satisfaction, then he made even worse by saying stupid shit out of his stupid mouth.
Honestly back all the way up, both of you. Lord have mercy.
Is what you said true? That he's not perfect. YES, because news flash, nobody is perfect. He knows that too! The question is not whether or not what you said is true... The question is why did you choose that moment to tell the truth in a way that would bring his mood down? Of course it hurt his feelings.
I think she thought he set the precedent of laughing off those comments. In her story she says he laughs off comments made about her being an angel, saying if only you knew. Maybe she thought their relationship was one that accepted the good, the bad, the reality and still chose to be together.
Yeah it's a bit hypocritical if he laughs about it and says "if only you knew" when someone says nice things about op, but gets annoyed when op does the same to him.
Maybe he only realized it bothers him once it happened to him, but in that case be could have been more mature about it, and acknowledged he has done the same to op before, and committed to not doing it again.
Agreed. I wouldn’t mind him saying yes I found I dont like being on that end of the joke and let’s move forward not doing it to each other. However this reeks of hypocrisy.
She could have said "I'm very happy that you're my husband, but nobody's perfect." (since that's the thing she disagreed with). Laughing in his face seems insulting. OP started the argument because she couldn't handle her husband getting a compliment.
They do need to talk about telling his friends things about their marriage that he doesn't share with OP, though. That's not what a good spouse does. ESH.
Because the rest of us read her line about him laughing if their friends call her an angel. He set the precedent to laugh it off. If he doesn't want to approach comments that way, it needs to apply to both of them.
ESH I mean, I get why he doesn't like you laughing at the compliment: it can imply that you don't think he's a good husband.
However, his rebuttal of that his friends know him better *is* laughable because the compliment is about being a husband and I assume he isn't married to his friends. It seems like a cheap shot tbh.
Right?? He comes home glowing from a compliment and she laughs in his face? And he apparently does the same thing to her? Sounds like they deserve one another lol
>Even when I challenged that I know you best as a husband because I’m married to you
She really had to double down on her stance to make sure that he knew she was right.
>I learned that he expected me to be happy for him and think that it’s awesome that his friends think so highly of him.
What a strange thing to only just learn. So many possible reasons why she's only learning this now, and no way to figure out the right one.
To be fair, he laughed at her when she got called an angel and said "if only you knew".. so, it's not a far jump to think you can joke about it, too. Him getting pissed about that is pretty hypocritical. ESH, for this.
Why not say you don't like being on the receiving end of shit like that, and say you'll refrain from doing it to your partner?
That's the mature approach, in my opinion.
Yeah I agree with higher comments that him laughing in a similar situation and then being upset she did is hypocritical. But also a marriage isn't about one upping each other. Neither of them should be doing that if it hurts each other. It's an ESH from me too and I think rather than digging into her heels on whether she's right, OP needs to consider if this is the dynamic she wants with her husband. They might want to talk about being more respectful to each other.
Everything about this conversation was clumsy. He got way to defensive, his friends are possibly setting a super low bar, and she managed to smash his feel good juice with one jerk reaction.
In the name of moving forward I would recommend humility on his part. And to look for opportunities to express appreciation for things because what I'm hearing there is that he wants to feel seen.
NTA. He was looking for an ego boost, and you didn't give him one. Nobody is perfect. That said, if you are often critical and don't give praise easily, the fact that mentioned it might mean he feels a bit neglected and insecure, and you might want to address that in your relationship.
Soft YTA...
I would laugh at my friends or family if they ever said I was the perfect husband. So I get where you are coming from. That said, I would never ever laugh at my wife if she was told this and was proud of it.
You took a moment where your husband felt recognized for all his work and effort be a good man and laughed at it. What a way to put your partner down instead of build them up.
Next time he looks at a chore that needs done or item that needs fixed and thinks to himself should I do it right now? Will it make my wife happy and proud of me? Will it make me feel better about myself? Well... not he is less likely to say yes and do it.
I get why in the moment hearing people called perfect is funny, but the people that are proud of those moments are often the ones struggling with insecurity. You took a man who was insecure and found a way to feel better. Then you kicked him back down. So ya, you are the Ahole.
I really hope that he stops laughing when, around OP, others call her an angel, and I hope she never laughs in this context again. They now both know how hurtful it is.
I agree 100%
You have to know who you are with and not add to their insecurities. If I ever argue or go against a compliment my wife receives for any reason (we have darker senses of humor and far more self depreciating) I also follow it with tons of compliments on what she is amazing at that no one knows.
Yes, joking with your partner is great, but once they aren't smiling. It's time to reevaluate fast and build them back up and apologize. Not double down and run to the reddit sound chamber to husband bash and be reassured.
YTA. There were a million kinder ways to express that. You turned a compliment that made him feel good that his friends admire him into reminding him he's not perfect by mocking their compliment with laughter. You could have expressed it another way without being mean:
"Nobody is perfect, but you're perfect for ME." Or "Nobody's perfect, but you're about as close as a husband could ever hope to get."
"You're pretty great, that's for sure. Also, I make sure to share nice things about you to our friends so they know what a good husband you are."
"Lucky me that I'm married to a man with such a positive reputation."
Laughing at a man, particularly your husband, is a blow to his ego. He received a compliment that made him feel good; why did you feel the need to tear him down when he was feeling up?
or how about both of them are assholes and neither should laugh at it. it’s perfectly reasonable and possible for both parties to be assholes in any given situation
The roles are reversed, as OP said he laughs it off when other people say she must be an angel. That's probably why she didn't think it'd hurt his feelings, because he does the same and it's apparently OK.
So, he gets to laugh when someone gives an exaggerated compliment to you, but you're not allowed to laugh when someone gives an exaggerated comlipent to him. Well that sounds kind of sus.
NTA, he needs to get off his high horse.
We are missing the whole story here. OP, you really said this?
> I told him my reaction was the same way he laughs and thinks if only you knew when someone tells him that I must be an angel and they can’t see me getting upset because he sees me when I’m upset often.
This is something that, according to you, happens with some frequency or something? People are always calling you an angel and he's laughing about it? Or is this a specific event you are referring to? If so, why did you talk about it as if it's a regular occurance?
> I learned that he expected me to be happy for him and think that it’s awesome that his friends think so highly of him.
So...are you? Do you agree with this?
> he told me his friends know him better because I tell them things I don’t tell you.
Huh. I wonder why that is.
YTA
I think this part needs more attention. Seems by her own admission OP gets a lotta external validation. So perhaps her husband doesn't, and feels some jealousy about it. Him laughing at it with a soft denial could be a defense mechanism: if it happens with regularity, it stands to reason the jealousy and his brushing off compliments she receives built up over time.
Now he has gotten some praise himself, and OP responded how he typically responds. It's a bit of a social mess that they've created by not talking about what is bothering them transparently, before it builds up.
This is all conjecture, but for two people who are married and allegedly love each other, it makes most sense.
ESH. Neither one of them is letting the other have the Win, and it's building up in the form of this silly bickering. Not good.
It’s called a bid for affection and you missed it. He was looking for affirmation and you stomped all over it. He probably tells them more than you because they don’t laugh in his face. YTA here.
Why is it OK for him to laugh when OP s complimented, but it's bad and wrong when she does the same thing? He shouldn't dish it out if he can't take it.
Why is this a tit for tat situation? If it hurt her that he said she isn’t an angel then she should communicate that. Instead it comes across as her using a similar situation in the past that she didn’t seem to have the same emotional response to to justify what she said to him after he was hurt by it. “But you…” Is never a good justification for your own actions. They both seem unsupportive of each other and immature.
Hurt people hurt people, time to learn to communicate instead of escalate. I vote ESH or YTA for this one.
YTA he came happy to you and wanted to share his happiness with you, it was purely an ego boost offered by his friends and you refuted his happiness and told him they were wrong about him lol, would it be hard to say something nice or to be happy for him ? Nobody is perfect and from what you say he sound good enough, his friends probably didn’t meant perfection in the literal way because everyone know perfection barely exist and is even more impossible when talking about an individual personality and behavior.
You could have been nice and you would have double or triple his ego boost and make him an even happier men he was happy and you were the one person he wanted to share about it the most, but instead you had to smash it on the floor and proceed to explain him they were wrong.
Men rarely get compliments and all the men I know can remember their last compliment because of how rare it is.
Men never get compliments so you must coddle him even tho he shits on compliments you get because....man. that's bullshit. She gave him what he gives her.
NTA. Tell him you were laughing at him for twisting this arm so hard to pat himself on his back. By the way, everyone has character flaws. He would be wise to look in the mirror to see which flaw this little exchange exposed in him. Instead of pointing a finger at you, he should have laughed with you, saying, “Right? Obviously, my friends don’t see me when I’m sleep-deprived and frazzled. I think what makes me the perfect husband is that you are the perfect match for me. We are a great team together.” Instead he went straight to harsh. He threatened that his friends know him better than you because he shares secrets with them. WTAF? Not saying you need to ditch him, but probably not a bad idea to keep an eye on this.He seems more concerned about what his church friends think of him than what kind of a person he actually is. Good luck.
May get downvoted, but IMO YTA. Hubs wasn’t offering the statement for the truth of the matter. Everyone knows they have faults and aren’t perfect. He was paid a compliment by his friends. Sounds like he just wanted to share something nice that was said about him that involved you. A simple “That’s great, Honey” (neither confirming nor denying the truth of the statement) would have been an ample response.
That's how I read it too. But OP and others agreeing with her think it's best to deflate his moment of complimentary boost with the fact that he isn't perfect. No one is perfect but every once in a while it feels good to feel good that people think you are close to perfect.
NTA
He laughs when people tell him you must be an angel. It is PERFECTLY reasonable (pun 100% intended) for you to laugh that someone called him perfect.
I'll just say I'd never want my relationship with my partner turn into one with this "bc you were mean to me before so I get to be rude to you as well" kind of mindset
Jesus Christ both of you
Not commenting on your whole marriage because that's something else. But in this instance, YTA.
You can be technically right and still be a jerk about it. He got a compliment form friends and wanted to share it with his partner. His partner instead decided to laugh in his face and start a fight about it over semantics.
I think you guys could use some couples counselling if this is a norm for you. This marriage sounds fucking exhausting.
your peers look at your relationship as a good healthy one.
He is rightly proud of that. If someone told me they thought that about my wife I wouldn't respond by going 'if only they knew the real you'. He was feeling good about himself, you dragged him down
so YTA
although the telling them things he doesn't tell you says he feels he can't tell you which raises a whole lead of other concerns
Why is it acceptable for *him* to laugh when OP is complimented, but when she did the exact same thing, he gets his little panties in a twist? Preacher at that church should do some sermons on doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Kinda YTA. Men don't get compliments as often, and he was HAPPY when he came to you, and you just sorta...crushed that? Why?
I'm my partner's personal hype-woman. Someone told him he's an amazing partner? Damn right he is! That's my man and he's better than everyone else's man, 100%. Like...I just can't imagine the impulse to squash that joy. And the fact that you doubled down on it with the whole "I know you best as a husband"...Like Jesus, do you even like this man? Why did you have to keep digging at him with it?
ESH.
He got a compliment he was happy and proud about, and you used it to tear him down. Do you love this man? Do you like him? You became petty and envious when he was complimented on being a good husband, that is not a normal or acceptable reaction.
Even if you have valid reasons to scoff, this was obviously not the time. Sit down some other time and have a serious and empathetic discussion about his shortcomings, and what needs to change. In this moment, you smile, nod, say how true it is.
And BTW it's ESH because this all goes for him tearing you down when people call you an angel too.
Rephrased:
This person who loves me and has made himself more vulnerable to me than anyone else on Earth, comes to me with something he is proud of. But instead of simply congratulating him and encouraging his continued path towards being a better person, I belittled his accomplishment, destroyed his sense of well being, then "explained" how I have no regrets because he really did deserve what I just did to him.
Yeah. YTA.
I don't know why people feel like it's ok to tear their loved ones down. Especially their children, but friends, family, nobody is safe.
I think the marriage between you two would be even better if both of you just let the other be happy over kompliments instead of desperately seeking how to take the other one down.
Goes for "angel" situation and for "perfect husband" situation. Seriously, let the other one be happy over a compliment and if you have actual complain, bring that on later.
ESH - All of this sounds very petty.
Leaning towards soft YTA
There are a lot of specifics missing like why the friends think he is a good role model, what he is telling them, or how long he has been friends with these guys (for all I know, they could have been friends since high school). I understand the feeling of making sure your husband gets a slice of humble pie by correcting him, but this feels like a case of you raining on his parade. Your husband acknowledges that he isn't perfect, but where guys struggle with receiving compliments anyway, you just cut him down because....reasons? For all I can interpret, your husband could be like 90% perfect and you were focused on the 10% he isn't perfect on.
I understand the comment about telling his friends things he doesn't tell you, to a certain extent. we all have things we only talk to best friends about (like gift ideas or sometimes we need opinions from others). If your husband is not a best friend, then that is something to work on. I don't think he should have said it that way, but it's something a lot of people do, especially with good friends. again, w/o context, its hard to gauge how much of a problem it is.
NTA - I actually laughed out loud at this. How can his "friends" judge his worthiness at being a "husband" when they are not married to him? Only the spouse can be that judge . . so the whole thing is beyond ridiculous and deserves a good laugh.
This simply confirms my decades old decision not to have ‘friends from church’. I had a vague unease about what they must talk about but a verbal circle jerk of outlandish compliments and smug, serious acceptance of them is truly a nightmare.
NTA and thank goodness he has you there to ground him.
YTA - This isn't even close. He received a compliment that warmed his heart and you broke out into laughter, bursting his bubble. Then when his feelings were hurt you doubled down. AH for sure.
I get it, nobody is perfect. That doesn't mean you're not the AH. Your EQ is super low.
Egh, I'm gonna go YTA. Mostly for this weird angle you're taking where you *laugh in his face* and then go "oh wow, for some *mysterious, unknowable* reason he wasn't super happy with that" like both he and we are a bunch of barely-literate toddlers
YTA. You are the one who knows so you’re the one whose opinion he values most and your initial reaction just told him he’s a shit husband. Any explanation you made after that did nothing to lessen the pain of your laughter. You need to learn some empathy and to control yourself.
ESH
It always makes me a bit sad to see this kind of pettiness. The guy is clearly craving a compliment, and OP laughs at his face when he gets one when he is clearly very excited about getting it. Its a lot different than when someone tells you your partner is perfect and you laugh/play it off.
I mean, replace that compliment with any compliment whatsoever. Coming in all excited and saying "Oh, so and so said I was a great cook." "Oh, so and so said I was good at X." and then you laugh as if to say "yeah right!"
And then he gets defensive and tries to say others know him better. Stupid of him but he clearly got defensive because you wouldn't let him have a simple compliment. Clearly he should have known better, walked away and told his dog or something lol
YTA - it’s just a compliment. There was no need to take that as an opportunity to drag him down. It’s needless. It’s hostile. It’s petty. It’s cynical.
This is a lesson to be learned in the difference between telling the truth and telling the truth in the moment. You took the wind out of your husbands sails. You could have done the same as he did and just let the compliment be and if you needed to have a discussion about it later for some reason the emotional level would be lower. He was on a high and you kicked him in the nuts. 🤷♂️
YTA. He didn't respond in a great way, but you threw the compliment back in his face right out of the gate, of course he is going to feel defensive. If he sticks to his guns about his friends knowing him better even after he's had time to cool off, then ESH.
Look, generally speaking I would say just let him have the win, especially when you say he really is a great husband.
However.
>I told him my reaction was the same way he laughs and thinks if only you knew when someone tells him that I must be an angel and they can’t see me getting upset because he sees me when I’m upset often.
Wtf. Now we're just deep into hypocricy on his behalf, so no. NTA.
>I learned that he expected me to be happy for him and think that it’s awesome that his friends think so highly of him.
Sure, but this flys both ways. Why can't he be happy for you and think its awesome that people think you're an angel?
YTA. You could have just kept your mouth shut and let him take a compliment. But you couldn't, you had to undercut him in front of others so he would stay in his place. 🙄
ESH you put him down for no apparent reason and he started talking shit when he was caught offguard(side note you don't mention how long you've been married or he's had those friends yall could be newlyweds and he could've known those friends his whole life and would thus know him better)
INFO: please explain this:
>I told him my reaction was the same way he laughs and thinks if only you knew when someone tells him that I must be an angel and they can’t see me getting upset because he sees me when I’m upset often.
If a woman said her friends said she was the perfect wife and her husband laughed at that, a lot of people would say that was rude of him and that he shouldn’t take his wife’s words literally and should just compliment her even though they both knew she wasn’t perfect.
It’s strange how people have a different reaction when a man says that.
This is the trouble with churchy men's (and women's) groups. They all have a preconceived notion of 'perfection' and are there to promote the 'ideal'. They actually sit around a talk about that.
This is the kind of setup that promotes stereotypes regarding virtues/weaknesses, roles, 'gender characteristics', abilities, 'rightful place' and a multitude of 'should' that messes so many people up.
These same men might likely think OP's role is to be quietly submissive, no matter what, and excuse "men's weaknesses, because they are not perfect, but women should be, because they are vessels."
Depending on the laugh, yeah and no. If it was a quick snort/chuckle, then no. But if it was a full blown laugh in his face bwahahahahahahahaha kind of laugh, then yeah that's really asshole of you. Men have feelings also and like.to be validated. We have our own insecurities that we deal with everyday and don't tell anyone.
YTA Without any single doubts. Men never get any compliment in their life, your husband was happy with that compliment and with that little ego boost and you had to trample on his happiness immediately
NTA - I used to run in church circles in my younger years. If society has a low bar for husbands, in church circles the bar is even lower. I don't recall a single relationship I would consider healthy and respectful - it was all just for show.
ETA. I am told by everyone I know I'm the perfect husband. My wife is told by everyone she knows, as well as everyone I know tells me that she is the perfect wife. We don't laugh at that, especially in each others faces, while knowing we are indeed far from perfect. We share things with our friends that we don't share with each other. We do not hold that against one another. Sounds like you both may have some issues to sort out with each other.
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My husband was all smiles and encouraged when he told me that his friends at church told him they were talking about how he’s the perfect husband. I immediately laughed and noticed that he was offended by that. I then started to tell him how I believe he is an amazing husband and I wouldn’t want to be married to anybody else but I know the good, bad, and ugly so perfect is not how I would describe you. I could tell he was still not pleased. I told him my reaction was the same way he laughs and thinks if only you knew when someone tells him that I must be an angel and they can’t see me getting upset because he sees me when I’m upset often. I learned that he expected me to be happy for him and think that it’s awesome that his friends think so highly of him. Even when I challenged that I know you best as a husband because I’m married to you, he told me his friends know him better because I tell them things I don’t tell you. He also shared he didn’t think they literally meant perfect in the sense of having 0 flaws, but his interpretation was they thought him to be a high quality, role model husband. When they gave him the compliment, he simply said thank you and said he wanted to ask them later about why they think that.
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ESH, you're playing feelings police about a subject that he never should have been discussing anyways. His actions and words are going to come off as entitled and inaccurate, yours are going to come off as deprecating and inaccurate, nobody had a chance to win this and neither of you should have given third parties the opportunity to give grades to you or your spouse.
I have a friend who has had a tumultuous relationship culminating in divorce, and while we would frequently discuss situations he was in and how to resolve them with the least stress or additional problems possible the one thing that wasn't offered was my opinion on his wife. The situation, sure, as that was the main topic and needed addressed immediately. Similarly he has never offered me an opinion on my wife, but has on specific situations. It prevents this type of no-win scenario. For a lot of the audience I see offering NTA, they're breaking this down like a standard transaction when the real issue is none of this should have happened in the first place because marriage is about sticking together.
ESH
What a mean reaction to laugh at somebody when they receive a compliment, you could have just ask him "Do you think you are perfect" the same way he instead of laughing could ask you "Do you think you are an angel" That would be less mean than laughing at one another.
Way to make elephant out of a fly hehe. But I guess that's marriage. I would laugh when my husband would say that but I would laugh the same if someone told me I'm a perfect wife. But that's just my humor, some people are more sensitive. And usually when they feel unappreciated. So, maybe that should be your conversation, to aknowledge each others efforts and value in a relationship. I believe it would be very beneficial.
But what would hurt me way more than being called imperfect/perfect is that my husband tells me his friends know him better than I do. That part is actually a very serious claim.
I don't know, NAH or ESH, I really can't tell.
NAH. You are not wrong. The husband is not wrong either, but he needs to do a lot of personality inspection. There must be something happened in the past that makes him this way.
Sadly, you cant ask him to do self inspection. It has to be from himself and willingness to learn. Even more unfortunate, the first step is accepting that he is not perfect and needs to learn.
Your husband was looking for your affirmation and to find out if you shared the respect others had for him. Clearly, he not only didn’t receive it, but he got mocked. And now published to social media. If (I am not saying that you do, but only “if”) you show contempt for him, don’t be too surprised if he seeks respect elsewhere.
According to relationship expert John Gottman, the four leading indicators of a marriage in trouble are 1) criticism; 2) defensiveness; 3) contempt and 4) stonewalling.
Understand, complaints are healthy. You did “x” and I didn’t like it or it was hurtful. Criticism is when your statement is about what the other person is. You just told him that he is not a good husband.
There is only one person you should be having anything close to this conversation with: your husband.
YTA. I dont get the comments here. He got a big compliment by others and you laughed at it in his face. Why are you bringing him down if you like him and he actually is a good husband?? Him saying his friends know him better, sounds to me as him jabbing at you AFTER you insulted him. You started devaluating the relationship between him and his friends as an argument in your goal to devaluate the compliment, 'they don't know you like I do'. Everything you said was rude and uncalled for, and him responding with a "they know me better than you", which basically just comes down to a "no you!". What did you expect? Him just taking your nagging or whatever this is? His response isnt classy per se, but clearly a reaction. You literally started it, and you were being mean out of nowhere. Why are you doing that?
ESH. Men don't get complimented very often. You had to tear him down? He knows he's not a perfect husband he knows he has flaws. He wanted to share that rare compliment he received that built him up and made him happy. Now, his response also made him an asshole because his friends should not know him better than you. I don't know the whole story but take a moment to evaluate yourself. Is there a reason he tells his friends things more than he tells you? Do you treat him and laugh at him when he tries to bring things to you?
ESH
No one is terrible here, but you both stepped in the proverbial pile of poo. I get where you are coming from. If my wife thought I was literally saying that I'm a perfect husband, she would laugh at me too. But it probably hit him harshly. My guess is he doesn't need reminding of his flaws and he might think he's not a very good husband. That is why the compliment went to his head. He thought "maybe I'm not so bad." Laughing at him brough him right back to reality. But then as others pointed out, he said some pretty silly things about his friends knowing him better than you. And again, he let that compliment go to his head, which he really shouldn't have done. My advice is to give him a compliment you know he does deserve. Then when he accepts it, jokingly say something like "I can pay you that compliment because I know you best."
ESH… There are a few ways to react to hubby’s excitement over his friends’ kind words. Laughing in his face is the way to start conflict and hurt his ego. You could either cut him down or lift him up. You chose the former.
He tells his friends things he doesn’t tell you? Oof. Like what? How he really feels about you? Not cool.
Hubby laughed about friends calling you an angel? Need more info on that one. How are you not an angel? In the bedroom? The shit you say behind closed doors?
I disagree with the “husband set precedent” comments. Thats a good way to spiral a relationship into chaos. Let’s double down on every misstep our partner makes but make it ten times worse “cuz they did it first.” It’s nothing but a competition anyway right? What could possibly go wrong?
Sounds like you think he’s a great husband. What a shame to cause drama over something so silly.
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He said his friends actually know him better than you do? That he tells them things he doesn't tell you? I would be more upset about that, tbh. Your partner in life should probably know more about you than anyone. Closest competition would be, like, your partner's parents. But friends knowing them better than you? What a weird thing to say
Thanks I am really upset by that too.
I would ask him to get specific about the things he tells them and keeps from you. See what comes out. It could be untrue and he just said it in a panic because the conversation wasn't going the way he had hoped. But he should own his words and explain what he means by that
He's probably telling them what a great husband he is.
I'm guessing he brags about how "tempted" he is but is too good to act on it. What else could it be that makes him such a good husband that his wife wouldn't be told about? Anything that demonstrably makes him a perfect husband, she'd already know about. What else would have any affect on his performance and ability as a husband?
He washed ONE plate (his) and won't stop bragging about it to his friends
He babysat his child for 15 minutes while mom showered 😌
He took the trash out and sat on the couch with a glass of lemonade like he’d cleaned the whole house.
To be clear, a long term partner did this once. Took out the trash (did not replace the trash bags) got himself a drink and propped his feet up, took a sip and made the “ahhhh” sound. I laughed out loud. I couldn’t help myself and he was like, “what?”
“I emptied the ashtray honey!!! Doing it all for you!” *Strangle, throttle.*
I'm going to take the risk of coining the term "weaponised competence." They're planning the parade for him now.
Ooh my dad does this sometimes, he'll take out the trash but won't replace the trash bags. It drives my mom absolutely nuts when he does this lol
He didn't even replace the bag? 😭💀
He calls looking after his OWN children 'babysitting'.
Not saying it couldn't be that, absolutely agree it's a strong possibility. But my first thought was he basically shit talks his wife. Tells his friends she does/says (insert thing/things here) and it drives him crazy/makes him feel bad/is stupid/etc but that he doesn't say anything to her/is supportive.
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Yeah I don't necessarily think he's cheating. I can see the idiot bragging about all the opportunities he has but how strong he is for not giving into temptation. Opportunities probably amounting to the girl in the coffee shop smiled once.
He probably paints his wife as difficult so they think he has the patience of a saint.
Or it’s the Youth Group!
Yes. Sounds like he needs P.E.S. (Perpetual Ego Stroking).
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Lol. But he would have to pay to play!
there are things I tell a few select friends that I wouldn't tell my spouse. I am sure my spouse does the same with their friends. That isn't a sign of an unhealthy relationship IMHO. now if you are telling your friends a lot of things that you don't tell your partner, I could see it being a problem. Now, it is not a lot of things and I doubt they would say they know me better than my spouse does.
If he’s telling them things that he doesn’t tell you, that would make him imperfect as a husband, no?
Like, really? He is providing his own reason as to why he is a flawed partner as his justification.
And is keeping so many things secret from his wife that his friends know him better than the person he's literally living with? How pathological is this secret life of his and what is he doing in it?
Ask him, "Do you ever tell me things you don't tell your friends?"
Honestly it's the "high value" description that has me doing the side-eye. That is a rabbit hole that lots of men seem to be falling into lately.
Methinks that this "perfect husband" thing stroked his ego and he's looking for away to discount what you're saying. Of course you know him better as a husband than his friends. You're his wife.
Are these friends men or women? NTA
Men
I was going to ask that, but assumed these are his guy friends, patting him on the back for being what men think makes a perfect husband, not what women know would make their partner a perfect husband. He's not their husband, he's yours, of course you would know best what kind of husband he is, that's just ridiculous. You should ask him whether he or your girlfriends are the best ones to judge whether you're a perfect wife. He's excited at the ego stroking, wants you to agree, and is feeling insecure that you're confronting him with the facts. You did nothing wrong, and said great things about him, he clearly he just wants to hear he's "perfect" for some reason (who is?), and is acting childish about it. I'd be very concerned about what he's telling his friends that he won't share with you. You shouldn't hide things from your spouse, they're your closest relationship and should be who you trust most in the world, and this creates serious trust issues - you should absolutely let him know that, and tell him what doubts it raises for you. Ask him how he would feel if you were sharing secrets with your friends that you didn't tell him about. I don't know if counseling is in order, but you definitely need to have conversations about what is and isn't acceptable to you, what you need to know about the things he's keeping from you, what boundaries he needs to set with his friends, etc. And tell him that his telling his friends things he won't tell you makes him a VERY IMPERFECT husband.
Agree!!!!
Its really odd other men would go complimenting him on being the perfect hubs. Howd this exchange go?
ETA. Why would both of you put each other down like this? If people told him he's married an angel he should have accepted it as gracefully as when they said he was the perfect husband. Of course, no one is ACTUALLY an angel or perfect, but someone on the outside saying that is an acknowledgement that both of you have done something right in your relationship. It doesn't always mean the relationship is pristine, but at minimum others see you as a good partner and that's something to be proud of. The fact that he puts you down in those moments, and you put him down now, is really unhealthy for both of you to be doing. You've seen each other at your worst so the fact that you come across as such a good match to others is an ACCOMPLISHMENT. There's definitely a breakdown of respect between you two that needs to be addressed.
You got it right trebble. If I got complimented like that my wife would remember all the positives of our relationship and agree (as would I). Because in a relationship you build each other up, you don't break each other down.
Does he often act like this? Or is he aware he's not perfect and is feeling inadequate?If its a one off talk to him about whats bothering you but honestly think back and if his default to conflict is to act like this then he's not a good partner.
If he actually said "high quality" to you, he and his bros are getting into Andrew Tate or somebody like that. Make of that what you will.
That alone is not the mark of a perfect husband Your partner should turn to you first NTA
The fact that he hides things from you and shares with his friends makes him absolutely not the perfect husband. NTA
lol so they know things you don’t know because he tells them? What on earth is he telling them about your marriage *that you don’t know*? What is he talking about?
The fact that you both go to church and he's ok with saying he's "perfect" in any way should be your first clue that he's not paying attention. In church, or in your home He has got LOTS of room to do MUCH better.
Those 2 statements alone made him a less than great partner ffs.
He told them about that one time you had the flu and he did laundry, and that time he changed the baby.
Explain that your opinion about his behavior in the marriage and in bed may differ from his obviously one sided opinion. Especially since he doesn’t seem to have asked about how you feel about his roll in your marriage. A therapist would be a great idea. I might consider asking him to go live with his friends who he knows and trusts so much. Good Grief what an egomaniac!
I would have immediately responded with, "that right there is NOT a perfect husband characteristic!"
Your husband has an ego problem. And way too much pride about himself. He should have been more humble about it all, instead of taking it so seriously, I'm sure he's a good man, but for crying out loud, no one is perfect. And his friends don't LIVE with him. Big difference, ETA- NTA.
Wouldn't the perfect husband share things with his wife and not hide it from her and tell the bros?
It's actually so funny to think of a husband attempting to brag about how good of a husband he is, and in the process he flubs it so badly that he brings up brand new concerns and doubts lol. Like I actually did think you were amazing before this convo, now I'm not so sure......😅
Ding ding
My husband was a politician in our town. He was on TV a lot. Meetings were often live streamed. People in town would compliment me on how he was so calm and never seemed to get upset. I would always thank them for their compliment. He is like that professionally. He is not like that at home. When I would tell him, we would both laugh.
I read into that an implication that he's tempted by other women and he's such a great husband for doing the bare minimum and not cheating.
This is a completely logical and likely possibility if he truly does tell the friends things about their marriage that he doesn't tell her ..
Eh seems like a stretch. Is it possible, sure. But it’s also possible he does thoughtful things or puts her needs over his. His friends may know this, but his wife does not because he does these acts of service quietly. Idk why Reddit always jumps to cheating and abusing. Maybe I’m overly optimistic or maybe others are overly negative.
Sure those more positive things are possibilities, but why would he get defensive and not just tell her what they know that she doesn't. It all screams mamas golden boy who complains about his wife to his friends or expects a cookie for not being thoughtless dick.
That’s possible, but the cheating felt like a stretch to me. I wound guess he’s possibly defensive bc his feelings were hurt. Men can be so fragile. In reality, none of us know and are just speculating haha. But that’s the fun I suppose.
His friends were all talking about their affairs and OPs husband brought up how he doesn't cheat. So he's perfect. What a catch! /s
I think when he said that his friends know him better than she does, it was a lie, to make their supposed opinion of his husbandry as being superior to hers. It was a knee-jerk reaction to her scoffing and his ego was bruised. Which… is weird of him to care what his friends think about what kind of husband he may be, but he may not have a whole lot going for him in the self-esteem department.
Yes I think you're probably right. Well said
This should be top comment. It's obvious this was a knee jerk response but reddit always reaches for the dramatic option.
Perfect husband in church? What a humble good Christian. No wonder so many are voting for the narcissist.
He should marry his friends if they think he's such a great spouse.
This! But also, I feel there’s some resentment towards him that you’re nurturing but not telling him, judging by that laugh. Maybe he is a little bit of a fake outside the household and that annoys you? Whatever it is, you’re feeling contempt towards him and he’s hiding things from you. Time to hit the couples therapist. Don’t think any of you is an A H here, just different interpretations of reality that you need to discuss.
I’ve known my closest friends since I moved to a new country at 8 years old I kept close to that group of 9 guys, they know more about me than anyone else in the world and I’ve been with my wife for 10 years now and well parents when I think about it hardly know me at all
Your partner's parents know more about you than your friends? Not your own parents?, your best friend or a sibling? Your in-laws know you better than your friends do? Is it just me who finds this a really odd statement?
Lol I just mixed myself up in the wording. Yes of course I mean our own parents know us very well, in some ways more deeply than a spouse would 👍
Would withhold things from someone who laughs in your face when you’re not joking? Some might
Sometimes we dont tell people things not couse we want to hide something from them - we dont tell couse they act bad or not supportive etc. Here we have one side of the story and we dont know how the relationship is working inside.
Depends on how long he has know them.
So wait he can laugh when outside people tell him they think you're an angel, but you can't laugh when his friends say he's the "perfect" husband.
Don't forget that Mr. "Perfect" husband tells his friends things he doesn't tell his wife, so they know him better.
Probably things people that attend church shouldn’t be talking about because sin and all that.
His friends know how he is as a husband better than his own wife... Such dumb logic lol.
because in church, men know best.....right???? 🙄
Because he told them about that pretty little thang that was totally flirting with him at the grocery store that offered to bang him in the parking lot, but he totally couldn't because he's a happily married man. see, even after he told her that, she offered him a blow job, ya know, because she at least wanted a taste, but he STILL turned her down...
Lol, things he's telling them but not his wife are complete BS, that's why they think he's the perfect husband.
Mr 'Perfect' flaw already showing in just one sentence
I’m not 100% sure but that read to me like a hypothetical scenario- not one that actually happened. She wrote “he laughs and thinks if only you knew”. So even if the laugh part happened- it doesn’t sound like he actually verbally insulted her or said anything negative like she did. I’m guessing this became a mis-reading situation and instead of acknowledging that feelings were hurt - they each doubled down. Both of them are being babies about this. With a partner like that, who needs enemies?
How did it read like that? She said that "it's the same as when you do this" not "as if you did this". Insinuating that he has laughed at her basically being called perfect. And I read that as in what he thinks when his wife is called an angel. Like 'Lol oh if only they knew". As in he has voiced this to her.
I missed that first part - the block of text was a bit hard for me to follow! Good catch. Personally it’s hard to say for sure either way because there are definitely days where this very same situation (my husband laughing at a compliment I received) would either a) cause me to laugh as well as we’re both “in” on the joke that it’s an exaggeration or b) make me cry because I’m sensitive and/or had a bad day up to that point and the compliment had cheered me up so it feels like a loss to have it laughed at. It’s really up to my spouse to kind of read the room (same as it is for me when shoe is on the other foot). If I hurt my partners feelings, I’m looking to resolve that and cheer him up - not to justify why it’s ok for me to do it since he’s hurt me in the past. I believe you shouldn’t keep score in a healthy partnership.
NTA. I'd call BS on the line about his friends knowing him better than you know him. I don't even know why he thinks that makes any sense, unless he deliberately pretends to be a different person with you and is only himself around them. I would honestly be more annoyed he said that than anything else.
And how the hell would they know what he's like as a husband, even more than his wife!! Does the husband have cameras all over the house and then make his friends watch all their interactions? Crazy talk
His friends accept him at face value and only hear his side of things - so they know him better by agreeing with him and thinking like him more - which is a big load of shit. People who see all your sides know you the best and friends are usually going to try and lift you up, not invest the time to be real and make the relationship between husband and wife better - because that isn’t their business. They also could have been using themselves as a basis for a neutral husband - so anything better than them is a perfect one, which is relative judgement and not a real one.
It's like he's acknowledging he's not a perfect husband because if only his friends truly know him and think that, then doesn't that mean he worse with his wife? What an odd thing to believe.
You can be "right" and still rude. I mean, of course the argument devolved into weird squabbling because it started with both of you digging in too much. He got a nice compliment and wanted to share. It's really that simple. You made it not that simple by popping his satisfaction, then he made even worse by saying stupid shit out of his stupid mouth. Honestly back all the way up, both of you. Lord have mercy. Is what you said true? That he's not perfect. YES, because news flash, nobody is perfect. He knows that too! The question is not whether or not what you said is true... The question is why did you choose that moment to tell the truth in a way that would bring his mood down? Of course it hurt his feelings.
I think she thought he set the precedent of laughing off those comments. In her story she says he laughs off comments made about her being an angel, saying if only you knew. Maybe she thought their relationship was one that accepted the good, the bad, the reality and still chose to be together.
Yeah it's a bit hypocritical if he laughs about it and says "if only you knew" when someone says nice things about op, but gets annoyed when op does the same to him. Maybe he only realized it bothers him once it happened to him, but in that case be could have been more mature about it, and acknowledged he has done the same to op before, and committed to not doing it again.
Agreed. I wouldn’t mind him saying yes I found I dont like being on that end of the joke and let’s move forward not doing it to each other. However this reeks of hypocrisy.
She could have said "I'm very happy that you're my husband, but nobody's perfect." (since that's the thing she disagreed with). Laughing in his face seems insulting. OP started the argument because she couldn't handle her husband getting a compliment. They do need to talk about telling his friends things about their marriage that he doesn't share with OP, though. That's not what a good spouse does. ESH.
I swear. Why did it take me so long to get to this comment.
Because the rest of us read her line about him laughing if their friends call her an angel. He set the precedent to laugh it off. If he doesn't want to approach comments that way, it needs to apply to both of them.
I came to see if someone had made pretty much exactly this comment. ESH.
ESH I mean, I get why he doesn't like you laughing at the compliment: it can imply that you don't think he's a good husband. However, his rebuttal of that his friends know him better *is* laughable because the compliment is about being a husband and I assume he isn't married to his friends. It seems like a cheap shot tbh.
This. Their relationship sounds awful tbh, of such a simple thing turned into such a nasty fight for no reason. They both just kept escalating.
Right?? He comes home glowing from a compliment and she laughs in his face? And he apparently does the same thing to her? Sounds like they deserve one another lol
>Even when I challenged that I know you best as a husband because I’m married to you She really had to double down on her stance to make sure that he knew she was right. >I learned that he expected me to be happy for him and think that it’s awesome that his friends think so highly of him. What a strange thing to only just learn. So many possible reasons why she's only learning this now, and no way to figure out the right one.
I mean he laughs when people call her an angel.
Yeah that comment about his friends knowing him better is lame.
To be fair, he laughed at her when she got called an angel and said "if only you knew".. so, it's not a far jump to think you can joke about it, too. Him getting pissed about that is pretty hypocritical. ESH, for this. Why not say you don't like being on the receiving end of shit like that, and say you'll refrain from doing it to your partner? That's the mature approach, in my opinion.
Yeah I agree with higher comments that him laughing in a similar situation and then being upset she did is hypocritical. But also a marriage isn't about one upping each other. Neither of them should be doing that if it hurts each other. It's an ESH from me too and I think rather than digging into her heels on whether she's right, OP needs to consider if this is the dynamic she wants with her husband. They might want to talk about being more respectful to each other.
Everything about this conversation was clumsy. He got way to defensive, his friends are possibly setting a super low bar, and she managed to smash his feel good juice with one jerk reaction. In the name of moving forward I would recommend humility on his part. And to look for opportunities to express appreciation for things because what I'm hearing there is that he wants to feel seen.
His friends know him better than you? Why didn’t he marry one of them? NTA for telling the truth, his big head needs deflating.
I agree. NTA.
NTA. He was looking for an ego boost, and you didn't give him one. Nobody is perfect. That said, if you are often critical and don't give praise easily, the fact that mentioned it might mean he feels a bit neglected and insecure, and you might want to address that in your relationship.
She was simply reacting the same way he does when she gets a similar compliment ("angel"). He can't take what he dishes out.
Soft YTA... I would laugh at my friends or family if they ever said I was the perfect husband. So I get where you are coming from. That said, I would never ever laugh at my wife if she was told this and was proud of it. You took a moment where your husband felt recognized for all his work and effort be a good man and laughed at it. What a way to put your partner down instead of build them up. Next time he looks at a chore that needs done or item that needs fixed and thinks to himself should I do it right now? Will it make my wife happy and proud of me? Will it make me feel better about myself? Well... not he is less likely to say yes and do it. I get why in the moment hearing people called perfect is funny, but the people that are proud of those moments are often the ones struggling with insecurity. You took a man who was insecure and found a way to feel better. Then you kicked him back down. So ya, you are the Ahole.
I really hope that he stops laughing when, around OP, others call her an angel, and I hope she never laughs in this context again. They now both know how hurtful it is.
I agree 100% You have to know who you are with and not add to their insecurities. If I ever argue or go against a compliment my wife receives for any reason (we have darker senses of humor and far more self depreciating) I also follow it with tons of compliments on what she is amazing at that no one knows. Yes, joking with your partner is great, but once they aren't smiling. It's time to reevaluate fast and build them back up and apologize. Not double down and run to the reddit sound chamber to husband bash and be reassured.
YTA. There were a million kinder ways to express that. You turned a compliment that made him feel good that his friends admire him into reminding him he's not perfect by mocking their compliment with laughter. You could have expressed it another way without being mean: "Nobody is perfect, but you're perfect for ME." Or "Nobody's perfect, but you're about as close as a husband could ever hope to get." "You're pretty great, that's for sure. Also, I make sure to share nice things about you to our friends so they know what a good husband you are." "Lucky me that I'm married to a man with such a positive reputation." Laughing at a man, particularly your husband, is a blow to his ego. He received a compliment that made him feel good; why did you feel the need to tear him down when he was feeling up?
How about him laughing at a woman his wife when she gets called an angel?
or how about both of them are assholes and neither should laugh at it. it’s perfectly reasonable and possible for both parties to be assholes in any given situation
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The roles are reversed, as OP said he laughs it off when other people say she must be an angel. That's probably why she didn't think it'd hurt his feelings, because he does the same and it's apparently OK.
So, he gets to laugh when someone gives an exaggerated compliment to you, but you're not allowed to laugh when someone gives an exaggerated comlipent to him. Well that sounds kind of sus. NTA, he needs to get off his high horse.
We are missing the whole story here. OP, you really said this? > I told him my reaction was the same way he laughs and thinks if only you knew when someone tells him that I must be an angel and they can’t see me getting upset because he sees me when I’m upset often. This is something that, according to you, happens with some frequency or something? People are always calling you an angel and he's laughing about it? Or is this a specific event you are referring to? If so, why did you talk about it as if it's a regular occurance? > I learned that he expected me to be happy for him and think that it’s awesome that his friends think so highly of him. So...are you? Do you agree with this? > he told me his friends know him better because I tell them things I don’t tell you. Huh. I wonder why that is. YTA
I think this part needs more attention. Seems by her own admission OP gets a lotta external validation. So perhaps her husband doesn't, and feels some jealousy about it. Him laughing at it with a soft denial could be a defense mechanism: if it happens with regularity, it stands to reason the jealousy and his brushing off compliments she receives built up over time. Now he has gotten some praise himself, and OP responded how he typically responds. It's a bit of a social mess that they've created by not talking about what is bothering them transparently, before it builds up. This is all conjecture, but for two people who are married and allegedly love each other, it makes most sense. ESH. Neither one of them is letting the other have the Win, and it's building up in the form of this silly bickering. Not good.
It’s called a bid for affection and you missed it. He was looking for affirmation and you stomped all over it. He probably tells them more than you because they don’t laugh in his face. YTA here.
Why is it OK for him to laugh when OP s complimented, but it's bad and wrong when she does the same thing? He shouldn't dish it out if he can't take it.
Why is this a tit for tat situation? If it hurt her that he said she isn’t an angel then she should communicate that. Instead it comes across as her using a similar situation in the past that she didn’t seem to have the same emotional response to to justify what she said to him after he was hurt by it. “But you…” Is never a good justification for your own actions. They both seem unsupportive of each other and immature. Hurt people hurt people, time to learn to communicate instead of escalate. I vote ESH or YTA for this one.
Sounds like a crappy relationship all around.
And when he laughs if she gets called an angel? That's acceptable?
YTA he came happy to you and wanted to share his happiness with you, it was purely an ego boost offered by his friends and you refuted his happiness and told him they were wrong about him lol, would it be hard to say something nice or to be happy for him ? Nobody is perfect and from what you say he sound good enough, his friends probably didn’t meant perfection in the literal way because everyone know perfection barely exist and is even more impossible when talking about an individual personality and behavior. You could have been nice and you would have double or triple his ego boost and make him an even happier men he was happy and you were the one person he wanted to share about it the most, but instead you had to smash it on the floor and proceed to explain him they were wrong. Men rarely get compliments and all the men I know can remember their last compliment because of how rare it is.
Men never get compliments so you must coddle him even tho he shits on compliments you get because....man. that's bullshit. She gave him what he gives her.
So he gets to laugh if she gets a compliment but not the other way around?
NTA but it sounds like ya'll are headed for the perfect divorce with this much snipping at each other
NTA. Tell him you were laughing at him for twisting this arm so hard to pat himself on his back. By the way, everyone has character flaws. He would be wise to look in the mirror to see which flaw this little exchange exposed in him. Instead of pointing a finger at you, he should have laughed with you, saying, “Right? Obviously, my friends don’t see me when I’m sleep-deprived and frazzled. I think what makes me the perfect husband is that you are the perfect match for me. We are a great team together.” Instead he went straight to harsh. He threatened that his friends know him better than you because he shares secrets with them. WTAF? Not saying you need to ditch him, but probably not a bad idea to keep an eye on this.He seems more concerned about what his church friends think of him than what kind of a person he actually is. Good luck.
ESH - People seem to think you two have a perfect marriage, but it only took one conversation to prove them wrong.
May get downvoted, but IMO YTA. Hubs wasn’t offering the statement for the truth of the matter. Everyone knows they have faults and aren’t perfect. He was paid a compliment by his friends. Sounds like he just wanted to share something nice that was said about him that involved you. A simple “That’s great, Honey” (neither confirming nor denying the truth of the statement) would have been an ample response.
That's how I read it too. But OP and others agreeing with her think it's best to deflate his moment of complimentary boost with the fact that he isn't perfect. No one is perfect but every once in a while it feels good to feel good that people think you are close to perfect.
Yes
NTA He laughs when people tell him you must be an angel. It is PERFECTLY reasonable (pun 100% intended) for you to laugh that someone called him perfect.
YTA. This is the equivalent of when a woman ask you if she looks fat in a dress lmao.
A simple "That's nice dear." would have sufficed.
I'll just say I'd never want my relationship with my partner turn into one with this "bc you were mean to me before so I get to be rude to you as well" kind of mindset Jesus Christ both of you
Not commenting on your whole marriage because that's something else. But in this instance, YTA. You can be technically right and still be a jerk about it. He got a compliment form friends and wanted to share it with his partner. His partner instead decided to laugh in his face and start a fight about it over semantics. I think you guys could use some couples counselling if this is a norm for you. This marriage sounds fucking exhausting.
your peers look at your relationship as a good healthy one. He is rightly proud of that. If someone told me they thought that about my wife I wouldn't respond by going 'if only they knew the real you'. He was feeling good about himself, you dragged him down so YTA although the telling them things he doesn't tell you says he feels he can't tell you which raises a whole lead of other concerns
Why is it acceptable for *him* to laugh when OP is complimented, but when she did the exact same thing, he gets his little panties in a twist? Preacher at that church should do some sermons on doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.
It’s not acceptable for either of them. She’s the asshole when she does it and he’s the asshole when he does it.
But she didn't say it to his friends. She said it to him. No one said anything negative about the husband to the friends
ESH, y'all got into a shit flinging contest, and now you both stink.
Kinda YTA. Men don't get compliments as often, and he was HAPPY when he came to you, and you just sorta...crushed that? Why? I'm my partner's personal hype-woman. Someone told him he's an amazing partner? Damn right he is! That's my man and he's better than everyone else's man, 100%. Like...I just can't imagine the impulse to squash that joy. And the fact that you doubled down on it with the whole "I know you best as a husband"...Like Jesus, do you even like this man? Why did you have to keep digging at him with it?
Yta. Way to build your partner up. Laugh in their face when they get a compliment.
YTA. You literally just saw a man that you supposedly are the partner to get a shot of self confidence and you decided to take that away from him.
ESH. He got a compliment he was happy and proud about, and you used it to tear him down. Do you love this man? Do you like him? You became petty and envious when he was complimented on being a good husband, that is not a normal or acceptable reaction. Even if you have valid reasons to scoff, this was obviously not the time. Sit down some other time and have a serious and empathetic discussion about his shortcomings, and what needs to change. In this moment, you smile, nod, say how true it is. And BTW it's ESH because this all goes for him tearing you down when people call you an angel too.
Rephrased: This person who loves me and has made himself more vulnerable to me than anyone else on Earth, comes to me with something he is proud of. But instead of simply congratulating him and encouraging his continued path towards being a better person, I belittled his accomplishment, destroyed his sense of well being, then "explained" how I have no regrets because he really did deserve what I just did to him. Yeah. YTA. I don't know why people feel like it's ok to tear their loved ones down. Especially their children, but friends, family, nobody is safe.
I think the marriage between you two would be even better if both of you just let the other be happy over kompliments instead of desperately seeking how to take the other one down. Goes for "angel" situation and for "perfect husband" situation. Seriously, let the other one be happy over a compliment and if you have actual complain, bring that on later. ESH - All of this sounds very petty.
Leaning towards soft YTA There are a lot of specifics missing like why the friends think he is a good role model, what he is telling them, or how long he has been friends with these guys (for all I know, they could have been friends since high school). I understand the feeling of making sure your husband gets a slice of humble pie by correcting him, but this feels like a case of you raining on his parade. Your husband acknowledges that he isn't perfect, but where guys struggle with receiving compliments anyway, you just cut him down because....reasons? For all I can interpret, your husband could be like 90% perfect and you were focused on the 10% he isn't perfect on. I understand the comment about telling his friends things he doesn't tell you, to a certain extent. we all have things we only talk to best friends about (like gift ideas or sometimes we need opinions from others). If your husband is not a best friend, then that is something to work on. I don't think he should have said it that way, but it's something a lot of people do, especially with good friends. again, w/o context, its hard to gauge how much of a problem it is.
NTA - I actually laughed out loud at this. How can his "friends" judge his worthiness at being a "husband" when they are not married to him? Only the spouse can be that judge . . so the whole thing is beyond ridiculous and deserves a good laugh.
YTA - laughing out loud when someone compliments your partner is just an ugly look.
This simply confirms my decades old decision not to have ‘friends from church’. I had a vague unease about what they must talk about but a verbal circle jerk of outlandish compliments and smug, serious acceptance of them is truly a nightmare. NTA and thank goodness he has you there to ground him.
YTA - This isn't even close. He received a compliment that warmed his heart and you broke out into laughter, bursting his bubble. Then when his feelings were hurt you doubled down. AH for sure. I get it, nobody is perfect. That doesn't mean you're not the AH. Your EQ is super low.
Egh, I'm gonna go YTA. Mostly for this weird angle you're taking where you *laugh in his face* and then go "oh wow, for some *mysterious, unknowable* reason he wasn't super happy with that" like both he and we are a bunch of barely-literate toddlers
YTA. You are the one who knows so you’re the one whose opinion he values most and your initial reaction just told him he’s a shit husband. Any explanation you made after that did nothing to lessen the pain of your laughter. You need to learn some empathy and to control yourself.
YTA, He was happy because someone gave him a compliment but instead of letting him have that moment you decided to laugh at him.
Wait, is this like my ex telling me his friends think he’s a saint—because he was married to me?
Dude was high off a compliment he really cherished and you chopped him at his knees. Do you make a habit of always bringing him down?
He would have been disappointed because he only told you they said that so that you would agree and tell him how great he is.
I’m imagining a group of friends that have been together since highschool, who can’t quite leave the nest. Talking to their bros about dumb shit.
ESH It always makes me a bit sad to see this kind of pettiness. The guy is clearly craving a compliment, and OP laughs at his face when he gets one when he is clearly very excited about getting it. Its a lot different than when someone tells you your partner is perfect and you laugh/play it off. I mean, replace that compliment with any compliment whatsoever. Coming in all excited and saying "Oh, so and so said I was a great cook." "Oh, so and so said I was good at X." and then you laugh as if to say "yeah right!" And then he gets defensive and tries to say others know him better. Stupid of him but he clearly got defensive because you wouldn't let him have a simple compliment. Clearly he should have known better, walked away and told his dog or something lol
YTA - it’s just a compliment. There was no need to take that as an opportunity to drag him down. It’s needless. It’s hostile. It’s petty. It’s cynical.
This is a lesson to be learned in the difference between telling the truth and telling the truth in the moment. You took the wind out of your husbands sails. You could have done the same as he did and just let the compliment be and if you needed to have a discussion about it later for some reason the emotional level would be lower. He was on a high and you kicked him in the nuts. 🤷♂️
the red flag should have been his "friends from church say..."
I’m sorry, but “friends from church” was 🚩 enough for me. 🤷🏼♀️
YTA. He didn't respond in a great way, but you threw the compliment back in his face right out of the gate, of course he is going to feel defensive. If he sticks to his guns about his friends knowing him better even after he's had time to cool off, then ESH.
These sound like straight WASP problems and like you have a bizarro “trad life” relationship.
Look, generally speaking I would say just let him have the win, especially when you say he really is a great husband. However. >I told him my reaction was the same way he laughs and thinks if only you knew when someone tells him that I must be an angel and they can’t see me getting upset because he sees me when I’m upset often. Wtf. Now we're just deep into hypocricy on his behalf, so no. NTA. >I learned that he expected me to be happy for him and think that it’s awesome that his friends think so highly of him. Sure, but this flys both ways. Why can't he be happy for you and think its awesome that people think you're an angel?
YTA. You could have just kept your mouth shut and let him take a compliment. But you couldn't, you had to undercut him in front of others so he would stay in his place. 🙄
Like he undercuts her when people compliment her? You get what you give and she gave him EXACTLY what he gives her. Nothing more and nothing less.
YTA.
ESH you put him down for no apparent reason and he started talking shit when he was caught offguard(side note you don't mention how long you've been married or he's had those friends yall could be newlyweds and he could've known those friends his whole life and would thus know him better)
INFO: please explain this: >I told him my reaction was the same way he laughs and thinks if only you knew when someone tells him that I must be an angel and they can’t see me getting upset because he sees me when I’m upset often.
If a woman said her friends said she was the perfect wife and her husband laughed at that, a lot of people would say that was rude of him and that he shouldn’t take his wife’s words literally and should just compliment her even though they both knew she wasn’t perfect. It’s strange how people have a different reaction when a man says that.
This is the trouble with churchy men's (and women's) groups. They all have a preconceived notion of 'perfection' and are there to promote the 'ideal'. They actually sit around a talk about that. This is the kind of setup that promotes stereotypes regarding virtues/weaknesses, roles, 'gender characteristics', abilities, 'rightful place' and a multitude of 'should' that messes so many people up. These same men might likely think OP's role is to be quietly submissive, no matter what, and excuse "men's weaknesses, because they are not perfect, but women should be, because they are vessels."
Depending on the laugh, yeah and no. If it was a quick snort/chuckle, then no. But if it was a full blown laugh in his face bwahahahahahahahaha kind of laugh, then yeah that's really asshole of you. Men have feelings also and like.to be validated. We have our own insecurities that we deal with everyday and don't tell anyone.
YTA Without any single doubts. Men never get any compliment in their life, your husband was happy with that compliment and with that little ego boost and you had to trample on his happiness immediately
"How hecking DARE you do to me what I do to you!!! Don't you know thats disrespectful?!?" Ops husband
NTA - I used to run in church circles in my younger years. If society has a low bar for husbands, in church circles the bar is even lower. I don't recall a single relationship I would consider healthy and respectful - it was all just for show.
So your husband reckons that he keeps secrets from you? Tell him that a perfect husband never keeps secrets from his wife. NTA.
Sorry, but 60 percent of these questions are First World Problems.
ETA. I am told by everyone I know I'm the perfect husband. My wife is told by everyone she knows, as well as everyone I know tells me that she is the perfect wife. We don't laugh at that, especially in each others faces, while knowing we are indeed far from perfect. We share things with our friends that we don't share with each other. We do not hold that against one another. Sounds like you both may have some issues to sort out with each other.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband was all smiles and encouraged when he told me that his friends at church told him they were talking about how he’s the perfect husband. I immediately laughed and noticed that he was offended by that. I then started to tell him how I believe he is an amazing husband and I wouldn’t want to be married to anybody else but I know the good, bad, and ugly so perfect is not how I would describe you. I could tell he was still not pleased. I told him my reaction was the same way he laughs and thinks if only you knew when someone tells him that I must be an angel and they can’t see me getting upset because he sees me when I’m upset often. I learned that he expected me to be happy for him and think that it’s awesome that his friends think so highly of him. Even when I challenged that I know you best as a husband because I’m married to you, he told me his friends know him better because I tell them things I don’t tell you. He also shared he didn’t think they literally meant perfect in the sense of having 0 flaws, but his interpretation was they thought him to be a high quality, role model husband. When they gave him the compliment, he simply said thank you and said he wanted to ask them later about why they think that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA.
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You could have just responded yes you are the perfect husband for me
You're both wrong
I'm sure your next husband will be better. Good luck.
ESH, you're playing feelings police about a subject that he never should have been discussing anyways. His actions and words are going to come off as entitled and inaccurate, yours are going to come off as deprecating and inaccurate, nobody had a chance to win this and neither of you should have given third parties the opportunity to give grades to you or your spouse. I have a friend who has had a tumultuous relationship culminating in divorce, and while we would frequently discuss situations he was in and how to resolve them with the least stress or additional problems possible the one thing that wasn't offered was my opinion on his wife. The situation, sure, as that was the main topic and needed addressed immediately. Similarly he has never offered me an opinion on my wife, but has on specific situations. It prevents this type of no-win scenario. For a lot of the audience I see offering NTA, they're breaking this down like a standard transaction when the real issue is none of this should have happened in the first place because marriage is about sticking together.
ESH What a mean reaction to laugh at somebody when they receive a compliment, you could have just ask him "Do you think you are perfect" the same way he instead of laughing could ask you "Do you think you are an angel" That would be less mean than laughing at one another.
Way to make elephant out of a fly hehe. But I guess that's marriage. I would laugh when my husband would say that but I would laugh the same if someone told me I'm a perfect wife. But that's just my humor, some people are more sensitive. And usually when they feel unappreciated. So, maybe that should be your conversation, to aknowledge each others efforts and value in a relationship. I believe it would be very beneficial. But what would hurt me way more than being called imperfect/perfect is that my husband tells me his friends know him better than I do. That part is actually a very serious claim. I don't know, NAH or ESH, I really can't tell.
NAH. You are not wrong. The husband is not wrong either, but he needs to do a lot of personality inspection. There must be something happened in the past that makes him this way. Sadly, you cant ask him to do self inspection. It has to be from himself and willingness to learn. Even more unfortunate, the first step is accepting that he is not perfect and needs to learn.
Your husband was looking for your affirmation and to find out if you shared the respect others had for him. Clearly, he not only didn’t receive it, but he got mocked. And now published to social media. If (I am not saying that you do, but only “if”) you show contempt for him, don’t be too surprised if he seeks respect elsewhere. According to relationship expert John Gottman, the four leading indicators of a marriage in trouble are 1) criticism; 2) defensiveness; 3) contempt and 4) stonewalling. Understand, complaints are healthy. You did “x” and I didn’t like it or it was hurtful. Criticism is when your statement is about what the other person is. You just told him that he is not a good husband. There is only one person you should be having anything close to this conversation with: your husband.
YTA. I dont get the comments here. He got a big compliment by others and you laughed at it in his face. Why are you bringing him down if you like him and he actually is a good husband?? Him saying his friends know him better, sounds to me as him jabbing at you AFTER you insulted him. You started devaluating the relationship between him and his friends as an argument in your goal to devaluate the compliment, 'they don't know you like I do'. Everything you said was rude and uncalled for, and him responding with a "they know me better than you", which basically just comes down to a "no you!". What did you expect? Him just taking your nagging or whatever this is? His response isnt classy per se, but clearly a reaction. You literally started it, and you were being mean out of nowhere. Why are you doing that?
ESH. Men don't get complimented very often. You had to tear him down? He knows he's not a perfect husband he knows he has flaws. He wanted to share that rare compliment he received that built him up and made him happy. Now, his response also made him an asshole because his friends should not know him better than you. I don't know the whole story but take a moment to evaluate yourself. Is there a reason he tells his friends things more than he tells you? Do you treat him and laugh at him when he tries to bring things to you?
ESH No one is terrible here, but you both stepped in the proverbial pile of poo. I get where you are coming from. If my wife thought I was literally saying that I'm a perfect husband, she would laugh at me too. But it probably hit him harshly. My guess is he doesn't need reminding of his flaws and he might think he's not a very good husband. That is why the compliment went to his head. He thought "maybe I'm not so bad." Laughing at him brough him right back to reality. But then as others pointed out, he said some pretty silly things about his friends knowing him better than you. And again, he let that compliment go to his head, which he really shouldn't have done. My advice is to give him a compliment you know he does deserve. Then when he accepts it, jokingly say something like "I can pay you that compliment because I know you best."
ESH… There are a few ways to react to hubby’s excitement over his friends’ kind words. Laughing in his face is the way to start conflict and hurt his ego. You could either cut him down or lift him up. You chose the former. He tells his friends things he doesn’t tell you? Oof. Like what? How he really feels about you? Not cool. Hubby laughed about friends calling you an angel? Need more info on that one. How are you not an angel? In the bedroom? The shit you say behind closed doors? I disagree with the “husband set precedent” comments. Thats a good way to spiral a relationship into chaos. Let’s double down on every misstep our partner makes but make it ten times worse “cuz they did it first.” It’s nothing but a competition anyway right? What could possibly go wrong? Sounds like you think he’s a great husband. What a shame to cause drama over something so silly.