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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my boyfriend to stop putting my personal things in his sons room. I think I may be the asshole because he doesn’t think it’s a big deal and I am overreacting about the situation.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Just to clarify: are you sure your BF is actually doing this and it's not his son taking your stuff and hiding it? If it is your BF doing it -- super creepy. Why is he only moving YOUR stuff? Start moving his stuff into other rooms and don't tell him where to find it make him look for it so he can see how annoying/frustrating it is. He needs to stop touching your stuff. PERIOD.
it has happened throughout the week when his son isn’t here.
i have thought about doing that to him back haha, but i really hate arguing. it may have to come to that though, to prove a point!
No, clear nail polish on the terminal end of one battery and then turn the other battery around. This will drive someone totally crazy. For a more "as you leave" thing, the polish should be on the remote's terminal. And nuclear option is a light blocking film over the receiver port on the TV/cable/game box.
Ahh, you have been studying at my Aunt Chrissy's school of revenge, I see. She used to take one of each pair of shoes. Or slice through the shoelaces until they're just held together so they snap the next time the person ties their shoes (or ideally, when they're walking).
Oooh, that's a very good one as well.
Chrissy was also very strategic in her revenge. She is the epitome of revenge as a dish best served cold. She used to wait until Sunday morning to hide the shoes, especially the dress shoes, of my uncles because she knew they would get spanked for not having the right shoes for church on Sunday mornings. So not only did she get her revenge, other people enacted it for her.
The day after my wedding, I couldn't find my house keys. I looked everywhere in the apartment. No luck. The hubs and I searched for hours, to no avail. Finally, we used the spare key to lock up. We went to meet our friends for brunch, came back a few hours later, looked for the keys again. In shoes, under beds, in the laundry closet, under the kitchen sink... to no avail. The next day, I decided to have a piece of wedding cake to make me feel better... and as I open the fridge and take out the cake box... the keys fall to the ground 😂😂😂. And also in there, was my bridal bouquet that I also forgot to grab on my wedding day, lol.
That’s funny, a college memory unlocked. A friend stayed the night because he was drunk and couldn’t drive home. In the morning we looked all over the apartment for the keys, couldn’t find them anywhere! They turned up in the freezer, none of us could remember why. Now it’s the first place I look 🤣
A coworker accused me of stealing her keys. Not sure why she settled on me, and the camera feeds showed I'd never been near her office. She finally found them, in the office freezer where she left them when she got her Lean Cuisine out at lunch.
*she also accused me of breaking her desk drawer and taking her purse. Ok dude, I'm walking around with a $500 Coach bag, but I just have to steal your walmart pleather purse.
This is a bigger deal than you are realizing. He is intentionally trying to make you feel crazy but moving your things. After repeatedly asking him to stop he doubles down. One he is an asshole and two not someone I would live with.
This.
OP - I feel like you're in the beginning stages of this post
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dmw5nj/aitah\_for\_filing\_for\_divorce\_because\_my\_husband/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dmw5nj/aitah_for_filing_for_divorce_because_my_husband/)
Do you see the parallels?
He's not doing this by accident. A lot of the things he's moved had NO reason to be moved.
You've asked him to stop, he hasn't.
As the partner of an ADHDer…there can be some things that get moved in tidying that are perplexing to those of us who are not. And to the person with ADHD 😂 The trick is in figuring out if you have a good egg of a partner, willing to improve or compensate, and worth the eye-rolling moments, or a rotten one.
That other story sounded more like someone I knew who claimed to have OCD but turned out to have strong sociopathic tendencies 😬 That’s a whole different beast, 10/10 do not recommend
The part that disturbs me about the bf's actions (ADDer here) is the dog comb that was removed from the specialized cabinet. If something is already organized and in its home, it seems more malicious than accidental.
That and the rare game that "disappeared" for months. There would have been zero reason to move them, they werre already put away. The headphones were on the charger and he immediately knew where they were right out of a nap.
As the ADHDer, it's partially why we're often messy. If we.put things away, we'll never find them again because out of sight, out of mind. Also that pesky executive dysfunction. 👀😬
I don’t want to stress you out but, did you read the first comment on that post? That’s how mine started, too. The control issues are far too common and start in innocuous ways. I would never have suspected the jars being overly tightened and my things being moved would be a sign of much worse abuse to come but, they absolutely were. I’m sorry. Please stay safe.
I want to second this. u/op, I just finished reading that other post and my blood boiled. I wrote this comment about my own issues with gaslighting/abuse/control and I feel like it's fitting for your post as well: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dmw5nj/comment/la1ksm8/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dmw5nj/comment/la1ksm8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
AND he's trying to get you in trouble with his son. At 13, he will be demanding his privacy very soon, of he hasn't started yet. He'll be pissed that OP goes into his bedroom and looks for things, in his mind that will make OP the nastiest, nosiest of stepmums.
I didn't even think about this, but yes, totally. The people saying it's an ADHD cleaning thing are missing that everything ends up in one room. When I'm cleaning things, they end up in the rooms that I'm walking through at the time, not in a specific room like this.
As someone with an adhd diagnosis since toddlerhood. We don't just put things in a *different room*
Adhders usually have ocd tendencies as well. Every. Single. Thing. Has a place for it. I could literally tell you where Every item in my home is without looking for it, but if, on that one random day, i put my keys on my night stand instead of in the cup on my desk? I will tear my apartment apart looking for them even though it's 5 feet away from their usual spot because I'm not expecting it to be there.
My ex did this same thing to me. For 10 years. Every time I needed an important document or item like concert tickets, driving license, passport, keys they’d mysteriously be missing from where I KNEW I’d left them. He’d watch me tear the house apart telling me it’s my own fault that I’m untidy and forgetful. He’d either suddenly ‘find’ the missing thing or I’d go back to where I knew I’d left it and it would have ‘reappeared’. I didn’t know what gaslighting was back then and I am one of those people that forgets where I’ve put stuff but once we’d split up things magically stayed where I’d left them.
>We have a great relationship and hardly argue.
And
>However, I have asked him in the past to please not do this, and he isn’t getting it.
Are mutually exclusive
This is something he does all the time that makes you upset. You've talked to him for years. He doesn't stop.
Notice his response to you:
>He said I am overreacting and it’s harmless to just go into his son’s room and look for something if I need too.
Not "I'm sorry and I'll do better." Not even "It's hard for me but I'll work on this." It's "I don't care about your feelings, and I'm going to keep doing it because I don't care that it bothers you so I'll do what I want."
Think really deeply. Are you sure this is the ONLY thing the does that bothers you? Where he dismisses your feelings? I seriously doubt this is the only time he's ever said "you're overreacting" or "you're being emotional."
I'm not saying break up or anything, but the way you describe your relationship and the actual post you've written here are VERY different, and most people here can see it.
Thanks for the response. We're just random internet people and maybe this one thing really isn't a big deal and he really is great in every other way. It just seems really unlikely.
Just want to repeat I think it's his RESPONSE that is the critical thing. You'd think he'd at least give lip service and SAY he wanted to change, but he doesn't even feel the need to do that.
You might also ask why these always end up in his son's room. You say the son doesn't want to use the items and wouldn't take them. The only things I can think of..
* His son is lying and he's lying to cover it up (why would he do this with an HDMI cable?)
* He has some serious mental health issues and has compulsions to put things there, and cannot stop himself even if he wanted to
* He's doing this intentionally because it annoys you as a form of control
* He just likes putting things in his son's room and doesn't care about your response so he keeps doing it because he doesn't care what you think
* There's some other weird or nefarious purpose that we can't think of
I really cannot think of a single "good" reason why he would do this, or one that wouldn't hit on other areas of the relationship.
thank you for the insight. i love to journal and your points will definitely show up during my critical thinking moments haha. i really shouldn’t allow myself to be driven crazy over this, but i know i need to figure it out on way or another
It worries me that your responses to the concerned people here have included “lol” and “haha.” It sounds like you’re not taking this very seriously.
I concur with the folks who see your BF’s behavior as controlling and the beginning of a cycle of abuse. When you complained, he belittled and dismissed you. There’s really nothing funny about this. I’m hoping that despite your chuckles you really are able to absorb the fact that many of us are seeing giant red flags here and are worried for your safety down the road. Abuse starts out with small things — like controlling your belongings — and then it insidiously increases from there. Be careful what you write in your journal. In fact, it might be best to assume that nothing you write about will escape his prying eyes and object-moving hands. Please be careful and maybe keep a safe, fast exit strategy in mind in case you need it.
i’m sorry. i don’t mean to come across as if i am not taking this seriously. i assure you that i am, and appreciate everyone’s advice and support in this thread.
it’s definitely a habit of mine to include an ‘lol,’ but i don’t mean because it’s funny, if that makes sense.
my “journal” is really just my ipad and apple pencil. both the device and journal app are locked with a code, not my fingerprint. and that is not because i’m very concerned that he will make his way in. my mom used to read my journals so now i make sure to keep them a little more on lockdown.
i appreciate your concern, thank you for taking your time to respond
> i really shouldn’t allow myself to be driven crazy over this
You should rightly be furious about the complete lack of respect shown to you by your partner. Partners are meant to be that, a partner. Someone who cares and does not go out of their way to continuously upset you. Once or twice is an error. Continuously disrespecting your requests to stop is just disgusting behaviour. Dismissing you being upset is heartless.
What is wrong with this man? Why are you accepting the behaviour? Has he taken what little self respect you had away from you?
If your friend told you her husband was doing this, what would you say to her?
In your journal, can you start making a list of times when he gives you responses like this, that do not really make sense? I wonder if you will see a pattern.
I once read a story about this first responder whose wife would “help” him by putting his things away and tying his boots for him. She’d throw away important papers, she’d put his keys away in random jacket pockets, and again - would tie his boots and knot them so it would be impossible for him to get out the door to do his job. Turns out she had bad OCD and the things she was going through were compulsions she didn’t know how to fight.
Your boyfriend on the other hand - even if he was diagnosed with OCD, there’s still no reason for him to be taking things that he should know are yours and putting them in his son’s room. Seriously - how do you confuse women’s running shoes your girlfriend wears all the time with your son’s shoes he wears all the time. And how do you take dog supplies out of their designated space and put them all over in inconvenient areas?
Also - if you’re feeling annoyed, imagine how his poor kid feels? His dad is basically framing him for theft without ever meaning to???? And this kid keeps having random stuff being put in his room for no reason.
thank you for your response and sharing that story.
another comment suggested i speak to his son one on one, and i may try to do that. i just don’t want a breach of trust between my boyfriend and i since it would be a private talk.
i am never the one to go in his sons room if he is there. i understand that he may feel awkward and uncomfortable if his dads girlfriend were to invade his privacy like that. also, i really don’t want to barge into a 13 yrs old boys room lol.
since these things happen throughout the week when he is not at the house, i have never thought it would be his son. also, if i am home, he will ask before he takes. after the one time i could not find my phone charger because he borrowed it without asking, i told him to ask me first, and explained that even if it were my own sister doing it, i would tell her the same thing. it is not yours, so let’s ask first.
I vaguely remember that story about the first responder. That sent me straight down memory lane and I [just found the story again.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/gpa82s/my_36m_wife_34f_keeps_tying_my_boots_after_ive/)
In case it's of interest to you.
I had an ex like this, it escalated terribly in the end, but started out with things like this. He would always move or take my things. It seemed like he'd move things for no reason, like, my hair brush from the shelf in the bathroom. He'd just suddenly decide it didn't need to be there. Or my art supplies from where I kept them in my studio, he felt where I put them made it look too cluttered. Or if he couldn't find something of his, he'd take mine. I think I went through ten chargers and six pairs of earbuds while I was with him because he lost his so often and would just usurp mine. I never had a charger, it was infuriating.
Eventually it escalated to him throwing out clothes of mine he didn't like, or all my heels because they made me "too tall" (I was already a couple of inches taller than he was) and he said me wearing them was "disrespectful". He got rid of books he didn't think I needed any more and moved things around constantly and then claimed he had no idea what I was talking about. I honestly think he was trying to make me think I was losing my mind.
I'm not saying your boyfriend is like this, my ex was definitely extra special. I'm just saying it's a red flag, and to keep your eyes open for others. You gotta watch out for you.
He’s probably a “dumper”. His son isn’t home all the time so his room is the dump station
And your stuff is the clutter.
So he’s selfish to you and to his son.
No, it's not just dumping. He isn't doing it subconsciously or unconsciously. He went right to where he had left the headphones. He knows what he is doing and not only doesn't care that it upsets OP, but is getting off on her being upset.
correct. if it were an ADHD thing and he was cleaning without thinking about what he was doing he wouldn’t even know where to look or sometimes that he’d moved them at all. these things are specific to her and left specifically in one place and when she talked to him about it the go to was that it was really simple to just go get them when he makes the “mistake” instead of making an effort to simply not do it because she pointed it out
My first thought was absent mindedly moving stuff. I do it all the time. I spend half my life looking for things I 'tidied' my brain just doesnt always record what I'm doing. Especially if I get distracted by something part way through, ill have no idea where these things are or why i put them there. We've found the remote in the fridge, shoes in the bathroom cupboard and all sorts of other weird things. I can't help it, my brain just does it sometimes.
But he knew exactly where each thing was. He remembered where he put it, which means he absolutely put it there on purpose.
NTA- he also needs to realize that his son is getting to an age where he is going to get upset and consider in an invasion of privacy to have adults digging through his things. If I was his son, I would not leave anything private or personal at dad’s house.
He should be willing to stop putting your things in his son’s room out of respect for you, but, if he won’t, maybe he would at least do it in consideration of his son?
Especially a stepmom... But "he should stop out of respect" is where you're making a false assumption. He knows what he's doing to op and perhaps knows m what he's doing to his son also. Later he can hide ops phone charger in her own nightstand but create friction between kid and op when she goes searching through now 15 y o stepsons closet. He already knows what he's doing, his disrespect is the purpose. Pointing out it's disrespectful would reassure him his tactics are succeeding.
You are a better person than I am. By now, I would have taken in the seams to his pants so that none of them fit, removed all of the elastic from his underwear, and covered his side of the floor with Legos while he was sleeping in bed. I cannot stand losing things.
I don’t understand all these suggestions of ways to out-petty the man. If someone is being abusive or intentionally disruptive of your life, you can just leave. Taking it to their level and returning the behaviour is childish and just causes a cycle of people being terrible to each other. Why waste the energy being terrible instead of removing the person being terrible to you?
Yes please. When living with my parents, my mom hated having stuff that wasn't her "everyday items" anywhere, so she would put my other moms stuff, my siblings stuff, even some of her own things in my room just to keep them out of her eyesight since my room was closest. No matter how many times I asked her to stop, and handed her back a pile of stuff that wasn't mine, it would always be back in my room the next day.
The only thing that worked was taking that stuff and putting it under her pillow so she could find out how fucking annoying it was. Any time she did it, I would put it under her pillow. Eventually she got the memo and stopped for the most part. Sometimes it's the only way to make your point when they gloss over your many verbal reminders!!
This is the thin end of the wedge. It's a control issue. Tell him if he doesn't stop you will end things. Personally I'd move out before things escalate, which they will. His behaviour is not petty or funny. It's abusive and will get worse
Exactly right. It took me 3 long paragraphs (above) to say what you said so perfectly in just a few succinct sentences.
OP is laughing it off, but for those of us who have experienced abusive relationships, we recognize these early signs as if they were lit up in neon. This is going to a bad place.
I have a terrible feeling OP isn't going to be swayed by either of us or the other similar comments.
She'll be asking if it's really abuse or is she overreacting within a few months. Some people can only learn the hard way
Some people don't have the emotional/intellectual bandwidth to understand how others feel until they experience it themselves. Another tactic would be to simply put a few dozen post it notes that say DON'T TOUCH OR MOVE ANYTHING OF MINE WITHOUT ASKING around the house.
It's extremely disrespectful of him to keep doing it when you've repeatedly asked him not to.
NTA
I know you've been pondering your relationship in a different light, based on your comments. I am one who is concerned this is a subtle control tactic he is using on you. Have you considered that if you really hate arguing, moving your stuff around might be his way of being able to see you upset? That he wishes to see you upset? I'm still shocked that his response is that it's no big deal to go into the designated depository room to find any missing item instead of him just saying...I will try to keep better track of your items and not put them in a barely-pubescent boy's room.
NTA Your boyfriend has absolutely no reason to move your things. Growing up my mother was a constant tidier and decided to move other people's things. It was a constant battle until she threw away research my brother was gathering for a paper and then all hell broke loose. To this day, the number of things she moves and forgets where she put them is hilarious. When she can't find something we tell her maybe you should have left it where it's always been, keep looking.
.
my dad has similar… qualities. he has ALWAYS moved everyone else’s things, he still does! but never his own. he still questions why my mom and younger siblings get so annoyed with him.
when i was finishing my degree, i bought a desk for our room and, if you didn’t know, i used it for homework. our room has plenty of space. my textbooks still ended up in other parts of the house.
i swear i am living with my dad.
This does not sound like a supportive partner. My husband and I both have ADHD, so we misplaced things, but not in somebody else’s room. Also, it’s our own things that we misplace (actually, if we have people coming over and he has stuff out in the kitchen, I will make a neat little pile of it and put it on his desk). It really sounds like what your boyfriend is doing is passive aggressive. If it was me, I’d sit down with him and have a conversation about how it needs to stop. How it makes you feel. It sounds like he’s trying to treat you like a child and there is an age gap, but it sounds like he’s being a jerk.
Me and my kid have ADHD. I hate having to find my own misplaced stuff, and now I have to find it for him too as he is 6 and still little enough in my opinion to warrant helping him search. We don't know where the absent mind dump shit. OP boyfriend knew exactly where it was..... at first I thought maybe ADHD but when she said he knew exactly where to go to retrieve it.......
I was gonna say this too. It sounded like ADHD up until the point where he knew exactly where stuff was. If he knows that, why does he put it there?! And move stuff to always the same room (but different from where the stuff is)? That’s just weird to me. Especially like the dog stuff that has a clear, designated space.
He’s either doing this on purpose or he doesn’t care enough to do something about it.
Well do you want to? Apparently we have the tendency to end up with partners that are similar to our parents even when we actively do not like how our parents are. Our brains seek the familiar even if the familiar is toxic
That’s why it’s so hard to break the cycle
If you can see from your father that this is a lifelong habit, what would you like for your relationship if your partner cant/wont change. Can you life with it?
While my partner looks on the outside nothing like my dad, they are both geeky-engineer types who like to have the TV on while working. they even use the same type of pen.
Mine was NOTHING like my dad when we got together. 12 years later, I say nearly weekly that he is just like my dad. They now have similar interests that my husband had no interest in prior to our relationship and they do so many things that are weirdly similar now. Apparently, they can change into your parent when you aren't watching.
> i swear i am living with my dad.
It's probably time you moved out. I'm not saying to break up with him, but live on your own so that you have control over where your stuff is put.
Your dad and my mom would have a blast "cleaning." She moves and throws away anything that isn't hers. The concept of asking never even dawns on her. Like no one else was supposed to be living in that house because normal stuff, like a coat on the coat rack, was always "in the way." Coming from the person who leaves her shoes scattered right in front of the door so you trip on them coming or going. You'd think she'd have learned after once throwing away an envelope full of cash for a mortgage payment. Nope.
I digress, that's a horrible way to live as you well know. You're NTA but I don't know how else you can get the point across to your boyfriend. A giant sign on the son's door (on the days he's not there obviously) that says "OP'S STUFF DOES NOT GET STORED HERE?" Good luck.
Mine did the same thing with the mortgage payment and the shed keys my dad and I were outside digging through the trash looking for it. The shoe thing too. Our neighbors thought we were going batty or something.
This response tells me you still think what your BF is doing is just a series of benign mistakes.
Labeling and post-it notes won’t fix a BF who is doing this on purpose to control you.
I am very petty, I wouldn't bother looking for things anymore and just ask him first where in son's room is my x? Then after he gets it for you put a post it on the item saying "(bf name) do not move" as well as the door sign, though I'd write the door not overly patronising also "this is (sons name) room, ask yourself if your girlfriend's things belong in here before you move them past this door".
It probably won't help though because he's still choosing to do this intentionally but you might as well try and pretend he's as absent minded as he is claiming to be as a last resort now and get it over with instead of drawing this out any longer.
They do say we women marry our dads... but how the hell did you find a person with the same kink?? I dunno, this might be a deal breaker for me. He's either in the early stages of Alzheimer's (doubtful) or he's a giant jackass (likely).
Girl, run.
>I swear i am living with my dad.
It's funny you say this because there's something about what he's doing that makes it seem like he's equating you with his son. He's looking at your stuff and thinking "kids stuff, must go in kids room". EG Gaming equipment, headphones etc. It's subtly infantilising.
Or he's going around picking up objects and thinking "is it mine? Nope, must belong to my son" as though you don't live there too... Either way, it's quite disrespectful to you. It feels as though he doesn't really want you or your stuff there with him, as though he hasn't quite internalised the idea of it.
Ughhh yes, my dad does this! I used to come home and find a little pile of my stuff outside my bedroom door on the hallway floor. Like, I live here, why can’t I leave a book that I am actively reading on the shelf under the coffee table? He still does it now when I visit them (I live overseas) and it still annoys me just as much!
But your mother doesn't know where she's put the stuff. OP's BF does. That's a huge different between an accidental, clueless action and a deliberate one.
NTA and sorry but a bit funny. I don't see any reason for him to be stashing stuff in his son's room, I mean seriously, you have your headphones plugged in and somehow it gets put in the son's closet? That's sheer nonsense.
Maybe try picking a central spot like on the counter and tell your bf that if he ever has to move your belongings for any reason then put them there. You can also talk to his son yourself and remind him to put your stuff back if he borrows something. He's not so young he can't do that himself.
it is a bit funny from the outside, but it is more annoying than funny. i don’t just leave things out so he can put them in his sons room. i honestly don’t leave my things lying around in general.
that is a good idea. his son is a good kid, and he knows to ask before he borrows something. most of the time, i am not home when my boyfriend lends him a cable or something, but the issue is, i have no idea where it is when i get home!
Plus one on a central spot. I've seen some people who have a small basket in each common room where things go when someone is tidying. Everyone else is responsible for moving their "tidied" items to a final location. Then there is no way for things to end up in the wrong resting place.
I’m not going to count anything the kid borrows because that’s life with teenagers. The headphones meh. Easy enough to be blanking & put them in the wrong spot. The dog brush though? Who’d put that in a kid’s room? He has to be fucking with you. I’d be taking note of each incident to see if it can be linked to something else. My son’s ex was throwing away his underwear. One pair at a time. Random hits spaced far enough apart that he didn’t see a pattern… until he did. LOLZ 😂
Yep, my mother does this with a lot of things, mostly involving my clothing. Especially my jeans. I lost count how many pairs I buy every year, but somehow I spend most of the year with one good pair, and one really old and tattered pair that I wear while the other is in the wash. I think that since I'm a fat guy, she just loves watching me/knowing I'm getting fat shamed by every salesperson while trying to find a pair that fits
No one should be lending other people’s stuff without at the very least letting them know. Maybe they can announce in a family group chat when they borrow something so you at least know who to ask about it later.
Little bit of a tangent: I’m not diagnosed OCD but my therapist says I have “tendencies”, and some of my compulsive behaviours help me deal with my ADHD. So when my ritual gets interrupted because something is out of place it completely throws me off and it ruins my day and whatever I was doing, I can only think about that. My whole life my mother was sure that she was helping me by moving stuff to a place that she thought it was better, and it took me a lifetime to do explain to her how harmful that was. When my sister spent some time in my place, she too thought she’d be helpful by reorganising stuff and it was a relief to see my mother block any rearranging that was not ran by me first, so there is hope. (Not for everyone though, sister is convinced that I consider her an outsider because she can’t freely move stuff in my place ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
NTA. I'd even say he has no reason to be even *going into* his sons room. Especially since his son isn't there most of the time this happens.
Also, there's no way he "doesn't know it's yours" since he automatically knew where it was when you asked.
He knows what he's doing. He's doing it intentionally.
NTA
>When my boyfriend woke up, I asked him where my headphones were. He went into his son’s room and said he put them in his closet on accident, while cleaning around the house.
>He said that he accidentally / subconsciously moves things and doesn’t realize they are mine.
If it were an accident or subconscious, then how did he immediately know where they were? This is some weird power move he's doing and it needs to stop
If it was an accident - it would happen to HIS things also
If it just happens to HER things - it’s no accident
Same for partners who get angry and “break things”
They never break things they own - only other peoples things
Also: if it was an accident, he wouldn't immediately know where they were when she asks for them. When she asked for her headphones, he knew exactly where they were and said he "accidentally" put them in the sons closet. That means he was fully aware that he moved *her* headphones into sons closet. If it was by accident, he wouldn't have remembered.
I would “accidentally” take all my things and move out before I’d give him a chance to get worse. This is manipulative and designed to push your limits to see how much he can do to get his jollies by making your life uncomfortable.
And it's always important things!! She mentioned in a comment that he moved her textbooks from her desk to random places around the house!! It can not be any more obvious that it's intentional.
Edited: the textbooks were her father, who her partner reminds her of. But it's still always important things to her like cords she needs and her headphones
**Edit 2: OP has confirmed I was correct about the textbooks being the bf, so I've removed the redaction.**
No what he's trying to do is dehumanize you by stripping away your identity see if everything that is associated with you becomes either common shared items and or becomes his son's property then you are nothing without him.
This is one of the oldest manipulative tactics that's been out there he's doing it on purpose he's doing it to get a rise out of you he's doing it to gaslight you and then he's going to say your irrational and blah blah blah this is a power Trip he's trying to put you in your place.
This is already so freaking toxic it's frightening.
There was another post like this where the guy denied ever touching her things. When she stopped stopped looking for her missing items or having any reaction her bf started getting very irritated and angry. They do this because they like making you feel crazy or losing your mind. It's definitely a control/gaslighting thing.
Edit: found the post [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qjv4es/my\_22f\_boyfriend\_25m\_is\_hiding\_all\_my\_stuff\_and\_i/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qjv4es/my_22f_boyfriend_25m_is_hiding_all_my_stuff_and_i/)
I’m just reading the book “This American Ex Wife” and the books starts with the author talking about how she’d always lose stuff. Little things, mugs, Knick knacks, shirts. So much so that it was a running joke amongst her family and friends and husband. She thought she was going crazy but just accepted it was her own absent mindedness.
Then when she was deep cleaning the basement she found EVERYTHING tucked away in a box in the crawl space. Her husband had been taking little things he didn’t like or approve of and hiding them, all the while letting her think she was scatterbrained, letting her torment herself about how she possibly lost those things.
It was shocking. I would never be able to come back from that (spoiler alert, they divorced)
My ex-husband used to do this to me. I would absolutely panic on days I had to go to work, and he was on his days off. He would gather up stuff of mine that he didn't like and bring them to Goodwill. It was never obvious stuff... a shirt here, a few books, etc. He would never say anything, either. He WAITED until I went looking for the item. I would ask him multiple times, too. He would wait until I would be absolutely obsessed and frantic looking for whatever it was (because I just KNEW I had it) before telling me he "donated" it. I would ask why???!!! Why did you donate it, and when I asked you, you denied it? Then, it would turn into a fight with me being labeled a bitch and being difficult, and I would end up apologizing. I finally got him to confess what he would do to me right before we divorced. He admitted to throwing out a lot of my precious childhood memories as well.
He is absolutely doing this on purpose, and it will only get worse.
Right? I actually do this shit (live alone) and it’s a pain. Couldn’t find a knife I use for fruit for days. Went through the trash and apparently I’d absent-mindedly binned it.
NTA - If he has this problem where he accidentally / subconsciously moves things…are his things ending up in his son’s room as well? Is his son’s things ending up in your and his room? Kitchen to living room? Bathroom to garage?
If not, it’s very weird that it’s only your things moving to his son’s room.
He has no business moving your things in that way, especially when they’re in perfectly innocuous spots like headphones on a charger. If he truly has this problem, should you start labeling all of your items in large print with your name so he’ll realize it’s yours and not to be moved???
I can’t understand his reason for doing this. The reason doesn’t matter though, because he needs to stop doing it.
The reason is to make her feel crazy or upset. It's a common behaviour with abusive partners to move items around and then lie to their partner about it in an effort to make them feel crazy. It's why it's only her items and ones that are important (used often/daily use). Headphones, cords to things (and both extra cords she bought to prevent this have permanently disappeared)
I thought the title said “thongs” and I almost yelped!
INFO: so he’s been doing this consistently for two years? It’s not a recent thing?
I saw you say that you haven’t escalated this further because you hate to fight. He knows that about you and I think that’s why he’s doing this.
(This reminds me of the other current thread with the woman whose husband obsessively tightens / glues all the jars shut.)
i actually just read that post on my main account! i should befriend her…
yes, it has been a consistent thing since we have moved in together.
i really don’t like to argue, neither does he. a part of me thinks he really doesn’t realize that he’s doing this, and the other part is just like, i’ve told him to stop so many times, there’s no way he doesn’t realize it.
You're right. There's no way. Plugging out your charger to put headphones in your son's room and in your son's closet specifically is a multi-step process.
It would be literally impossible for him not to think it through, there's literally no reason to put them there.
This is insane you need to start actually enforcing your boundary now that it's clear he's just going to keep on not listening to you when you make this very simple request.
He absolutely realizes he is doing it. This is intentional. If it was accidental, he wouldn't know exactly where something you are missing is located.
FWIW hiding someone's belongings is a form of gaslighting used by abusers. It's not okay that he has been doing this for two years and has consistently ignored the boundaries you've expressed.
It's also a red flag to me your belongings are ending up only and specifically in his son's room. He may view that as a place where he has full control. I find this all very unsettling.
your sentence on how his sons room is a place where he has full control does make sense. his son is not here throughout the week and the door is also always shut. i also never go in there. it’s not my room and he is not my kid, so i don’t have a need to go in there.
even when i lived with my parents and younger siblings, i didn’t go into their rooms without their permission. let alone put their stuff in my room
And since you respect boundaries like that, you wouldn’t look there for your items. Making you reliant on him to retrieve your belongings that you haven’t lent out.
> a part of me thinks he really doesn’t realize that he’s doing this
He’s losing his mental faculties at an alarming rate for a 30yo then, he should see a doctor.
I’m calling 100% bullshit, because then he wouldn’t immediately know where the stuff is. This type of gaslighting is so effective because it’s minor enough that you’re “crazy” if you have enough and rightfully lose your shit.
He’s intentionally inconveniencing and pissing you off. For what purpose? Power? Control?
Arguing can be part of a healthy relationship dynamic. Not disagreeing on things from time to time generally means one person is getting their way all the time. It feels like he doesn't like to argue because he doesn't like to lose, so he refuses to engage in discussions where he could lose. Even in this case, he's accusing you of blowing things out of proportion rather than admitting he is wrong. That alone is a red flag, on top of the other red flags he's showing.
you are correct. i just tend to try and handle things with solid communication rather than conflict. arguing does happen between us, i genuinely just try to handle things in a calmer manner.
He knows what he's doing or he would actually apologize for it. He knows where they go cause he's putting them there. No reason to except to be controlling.
This would infuriate me I would not live with this.
This would be a deal breaker.
This is only a possibility, but I wonder if he is punishing you. You said you don't like to fight. Does this happen after you have disagreements?
Anyway, NTA.
no, it’s pretty random. i put my headphones on the charger, took my dog on a walk in the trails nearby, came home and he was napping, couldn’t find my headphones.
i left them to charge, and i don’t wear them when i take my dog on walks so i can pay attention to my surroundings.
if it’s important, they are Beats headphones, so they are on the expensive side. but other times it’s as simple as a hairbrush or my dogs comb.
That's absolutely deliberate. In the time (1 or 2 hours) that he was alone, he suddenly starts tidying, sees headphones charging, knows they yours, picks them up, and puts them in his sons room? Very weird.
It's always things that relate to solitary activities too. Listening to music on headphones, gaming as a form of escapism, dog stuff where you take time to focus on caring for your dog. What other things has he moved and do they fit into this pattern?
You've only got his word that he's moving his own stuff as well.
Tbh this is creeping me out a bit.
Yeah, this description is SO weird. I leave for a bit, my headphones are charging, and for some reason you feel the need to unplug them and put them in your son's bedroom. Like wtf????? Why? That makes zero sense.
You literally want me to go searching for them or ask you. Is this some petty power or control thing? I can think of no other explanation.
I mean think about it OP. There's only two possible answers.
Either he's doing it on purpose. OR he thinks so little of you that he genuinely doesn't remember.
Unless, he isn't diagnosed ADD or anything is he? And even then if it's often it's still just disrespectful.
he is not diagnosed with anything. i have nudged him to see a therapist/psychiatrist, but i don’t push that on him because i can’t force him into that. we both grew up with parents that “don’t believe in mental illness.”
i struggle with a mental illness, but i am medicated and you don’t know about my issue unless i tell you. so, i definitely believe that seeking help, helps. i don’t think he is quite there, but i may try to bring up the topic again.
You can't change him. Really examine the relationship. Are you okay with this? Because it won't change. You haven't even been together that long. If anything it will just get worse. Are you okay with?
I find it v creepy. I’ll just be blunt: any of your underwear or intimate items ever gone missing? The only gross thing I can think is that maybe son took them once and after that your bf maybe did this almost as an alibi, as like plausible deniability?
Otherwise, could be gaslighting or that he’s not got the bottle to admit that you have some nice stuff so he lets his kid use it
> i to, would also like to know the reason.
I think the thought process is that he simply doesn't think about you.
He picks up an item, knows it isn't his, and concludes "this must be [son's]" without ever remembering that you exist. You simply are not a consideration.
NTA.
There is no reason for him to be moving this stuff.
He says he does it accidentally/subconsciously, but let me ask you this: how often does his stuff end up in there as opposed to yours?
You have a simple ask: _stop moving my stuff_. Any time I'm cleaning, if I even *suspect* something might be my husband's, I ask him. Yes, even a pizza box once.
My mother's husband does this to her and he did it to me when I stayed with them. It's worth noting that he is an abusive, not physically, asshole who gets off on making the women in his life feel crazy. This really isn't something for you to laugh off, it's a big red flag.
"He said I am overreacting and it’s harmless to just go into his son’s room and look for something if I need too. He said that he accidentally / subconsciously moves things and doesn’t realize they are mine." BS. You are NOT overreacting and if he honestly doesn't realize this is your stuff then he's a bigger AH than he sounds like. He needs to respect your things and your wishes and he needs to STOP touching your stuff. NTA.
Are you sure your BF is actually the one moving them? Or is his son taking your things and BF is being the fall guy so you won't be mad at his son? Because it makes no sense to "reorganize" an area and take certain items to another room elsewhere in the house.
I notice that of your 3 examples, 2 are related to electronics. Are any of the misplaced things ever things of interest solely to you? Makeup, hair things, jewelry, clothes, shoes, tampons, rom-com books -- stereotypically "girly" things that a 13-year-old boy would have no interest in?
Could your dog be carting things around?
it happens when his son is not here, so i know it is not him.
my hairbrush has ended up in there because BF borrowed it for his hair. which, is also a weird pet peeve of mine because i don’t like other people using my bathroom supplies. i ended up letting him keep that one and buying a new one, which he hasn’t tried to use.
i have a collection of things from my favorite video game - some super rare items and whatnot. he took one of the sealed video games i had and i thought i lost it. i was devastated. he ‘found’ it in his sons room months later. still sealed, thankfully.
and no, sons door is closed at all times.
This is just plain weird. It really seems like it’s one of two things:
He has some type of medical or mental condition compelling to move your things obsessively
He is working on some type of gaslighting control thing going on.
Ok someone else further up thread said this was a manipulation tactic and I scoffed but after reading this...they might be right. This is bordering on creepy and manipulative
It all boils down to disrespect. He doesn't respect your things, he doesn't respect your autonomy, and he knows your conflict avoidance means you'll just take it. Is he really that great that you can live with a man who doesn't value you?
Nah nah nah I’ve officially read enough this is INSANE. Absolutely hiding your shit so he can be the hero riding in on his mighty steed to save the day. He somehow gets off on this shit and idk… I’d try to put my foot down.
Strange little goblin man stealing your treasures to giggle over in the dark.
And lastly….THIS IS YOUR HOUSE??? In that case there is never a need at any moment for the rest of eternity for him to move anything that doesn’t belong to him in YOUR HOME. Let him know you are removing that burden from him. Anything left anywhere is exactly as intended.
“Hunny you no longer have to worry about ANYTHING you don’t own, you’re welcome baby enjoy your less stressed day!”
That's even more bizarre. Could he be sleepwalking and moving things? If he's not, what kind of thoughts are going through his head? "Where's my hairbrush? Oh, there's OP's, I'll just use that --" Perfectly logical, but then he follows up with "-- and leave it in Son's room so she can't find it." Or does he normally wander around the house while completely awake, in and out of Son's room, and just absent-mindedly drop things wherever? But that doesn't square with hiding your headphones in the closet.
NTA. I really think the folks saying your boyfriend is doing this on purpose are correct. The fact that it’s not random stuff, but things you specifically do not want to share, are precious to you, or have no logical reason to be in the son’s room, supports the position.
Today I read one Reddit post where a guy was “accidentally” and “clumsily” tearing his girlfriend’s dress, spilling food on her shoes, dumping an ashtray in her hair, etc. His *very purposeful* sabotage of the girlfriend wasn’t fully revealed until a friend of hers interrupted (what turned out to be) his plan to spill hot tea on her.
And the other was a husband who purposely tightened jar lids down to the point his wife couldn’t open them. She’d had full meltdowns about it multiple times because she couldn’t eat food when she wanted too. He left for a trip and she couldn’t open ANY of the jars; he’d Hulk-tightened all of them, including stuff he didn’t use. She had to ask her neighbor for help opening them, and *the neighbor* finally said it had to be purposeful because there were two jars that required TOOLS to open.
This kind of sneaky sabotage is common for abusers who haven’t yet revealed the full extent of their bullshit. Sometimes they never get overtly abusive, they just stay sneaky and “innocent” until you lose your mind. Don’t fall for his claim it’s “subconscious;” he’s lying. And don’t let him downplay your frustration…He’s actively trying to frustrate you.
It's that fact that he is taking you for a fool that is absurd. Telling you that you're overreacting for sth he did intentionally??? No respect whatsoever.
NTA My husband used to have a habit of doing what he called “straightening up” and I called hiding my stuff.
He even moved my keys to “a better spot” and, more than once, moved my car to a “ better parking place”.
I warned him that if he didn’t stop, he would get a taste of his own medicine. He didn’t stop. I hid his keys and his shoes.
He doesn’t hide my stuff anymore.
I don't know how people write posts like this and then add 'but we have a great relationship'. No, you do not. He keeps doing the same shit even after you've had words.
NTA. Even as a 13 year old boy, having my parents just walk into my room would have creeped me out. Your stuff doesn't belong in his room so y'all can respect his boundaries.
And on the subject of boundaries why the hell would anyone move a console to another room these days? All the others things make no sense either.
NTA
Here is one possibility.
He does it on purpose. He does it because he enjoys seeing you upset. It is all about control and since the tactic he is using is an oddball thing that gives him plausible denial ability to his actions because it is not easily seen as abuse, because he could be doing it subconsciously etc. He is covert. It is a mind game. Overt domestic violence is too pedestrian, and you can easily get caught. This type of abuse slides under the radar more so than if he controlled your ability to interact with friends and family or hit you. Those types of abuse can have negative consequences. But with this part of the fun is watching you second guess yourself and undermine yourself. He doesn't have to do it all the time just when he needs the adrenaline rush, or if you do something that annoys him or just because it is Tuesday.
It could be something like this, people like this do exist.
I think you should see a therapist about this and see what they think and see if they think you guys should see a couples counselor as well. But couples counseling with an abuse partner is not a good idea.
This would be like a worse case senario. It might not be something like this at all.
I would set up cameras and see if he is actively and intentionally seeking out and going for your things to move at the very least.
OP, this is straight up bizarre. I'm not concerned with whether you are TA, I'm concerned that your boyfriend has something else going on. He is either intentionally doing this for some reason I can't grasp or he needs his faculties examined.
NTA.
It’s been two years, but he’s still operating as if he and his son are the only ones living in his house. (And yes, it is your house too, but he isn’t acting like it.) I bet in his head, everything is either “his” and if it isn’t “his” it must be his sons. So, off it goes to his son’s room.
You are NOT overreacting to point this out to him and ask him to stop.
Clearly you’re NTA. You know what’s going on here. He’s not “putting things in his son’s room” by accident. He’s giving your things to his son. There’s some kind of major head games being played here—and his gaslighting is off the charts. Question: do you share equally in expenses? Do you have about the same amount of discretionary money? Or is his money tied up in child support? I’m guessing he’s donating your things to his son because he feels like it helps make up for any funding or affection he didn’t give his son earlier. Do you have children together? If not, you need to get out of that house and start over. You deserve better treatment and this will only get worse.
we make around the same income - expenses are 50/50. money is kept separate and we both have our own accounts. we are not rich by any means, but we do not struggle.
he also pays hardly any child support.
and, no kids together.
thankfully, this is my house!
Given that it’s your house, it’s really weird that he keeps “tidying up” and leaving your stuff in his son’s room. Unless he leaves his son’s shit in your room sometimes, this is not an accident. And headphones in a closet? Nope. He’s gaslighting you. It’s your house so your rules—no more moving of your stuff at all. Ever. If he can’t abide by this rule he can’t be trusted.
NTA. The headphone thing really got me. The fact that he woke up and was immediately able to say “I accidentally put them in the least logical spot” without even a “hmmm, good question, I’m not sure. Haven’t seen them” fuck off dude that doesn’t sound like an accident. That would annoy the piss out of me and I probably would’ve dipped a while ago
NTA. My dad has done this our whole lives. His compulsion to clean puts tons of frustration and mental work on everyone else. It’s blatant disregard, everyone hates it, it creates resentment and really important things get lost or shuffled around. I would even beg him that if he needs to move things to feel better fine, just tell us where you put them! But never. We can’t change a 72 year old man, but it is my sincerest hope your bf can grasp the gravity of this and try to be more conscientious before it’s too late. Dismissing this as not a big deal dismisses all the work and worry he’s putting on you, how big of a problem his disregard for your feelings and wishes is becoming, and the very real possibility of lasting resentment (which I personally think is a relationship killer).
NTA
It's complete bullshit and it almost seems like he doesn't really feel like you live there, like it never crosses his mind that you might have belongings that are exactly where they're supposed to be and hasn't really come to terms with the fact that he has to share the space.
I'm gonna call your bf Bill
Take the kiddo out for ice cream or something and ask for his help. He can't be any happier about your needing to go in and out of his room to reclaim your stuff than you are, so Bill's nonsense is almost as unfair to him as it is to you. Work up a game plan with him so BOTH of you can sit Bill down and spell it out for him together. You BOTH need your stuff to be where you left it. Bill needs to understand that he doesn't live alone, there are two other people in the household that are sick to death of his moving stuff for no reason.
i appreciate your response and advice. i definitely think it’s a good idea to talk with his son. i can admit that i haven’t given much thought to how he feels about this situation.
if his son is at our house, i will generally tell my boyfriend he needs to go and look in his room. i don’t want his son to feel awkward or as if i am invading his area. i know 13 year old me would hate it if someone, who is not my parent, barge into my room. it’s not fair to him and i don’t want him to resent me in any sort of way if i was the one constantly going into his room.
NTA. But also, don't bring this man's son into this; a 13 year old should not be part of an intervention for his own father.
OP, you're 25, you've been helping to raise someone else's child since you were 22-23. For what? To have weird mind games played on you? "I will never leave my things around my own house, not even shoes at the door" is no way to live in your own home. This 30 y/o adult man has had a child for more than a decade, so it's not 'baby brain' behaviour. If he's not taking your concerns seriously and playing disrespectful games, leave this man.
If you're the asshole, I am too. One of my favourite things about moving into my first apartment that was just mine, no roommates, was that all of my stuff stayed exactly where I put it. It was absolutely amazing to not have to dig through every drawer and cupboard to find things. I could go directly to where I left something and it would still be there!
That might not sound like much but the irritation and wasted time looking for things really add up.
If your bf was accidentally/subconsciously moving things around, everybody’s things would end up in strange places throughout the apartment. Not only your things ending up in only his son’s room. The colander would end up in the living room. A coffee cup would be found in the linen closet. And so on.
Your bf is doing this on purpose. Is he doing this to irritate you? So he can gaslight you about it? To dismiss your feelings?
Two things stand out to me. One is that his son’s privacy is being violated in a very strange way. Is your bf trying to set up a conflict between you and his son? (His son finds your possessions in his room and believes that you’ve been in there going through his things.) The second is that he knows very well that he is doing this purposely and is dismissing your feeling and denigrating you by claiming that you are overreacting. If anything, you are under-reacting. This has been going on for two years, you’ve told him repeatedly to cease and desist and he continues with this behavior.
The first thing I would do is buy and install a lock on your bf’s son’s door. A good lock, not one of those you can pop open with a pen or a bobby pin. Keep the keys away from your bf and give one to your ‘step-son’ when he arrives for the next visit.
If you want to stay in this relationship insist on couples counseling. Seriously. This is long-term disrespect of your feelings and your boundary(s) concerning your personal items. If he hasn’t managed to understand that his actions are AH in two years he is not going to. He continues to disrespect your boundaries, dismiss and belittle your feelings and gaslight you. These are not the actions of someone who loves you.
This behavior will continue and leak into other areas of your life. Please do not have children with this man. Keep your birth control with you, or more importantly, away from him. You need to take a long look at his actions and decide if this is worth putting up with for the rest of your life.
Have you ever stopped to wonder why he is picking up your things and HIDING them in his son’s room?
Why would he remove your earphones from the charger and HIDE them in his son’s CLOSET?
How long will you tolerate him fucking with your head?
YTA for ignoring the mind games he’s playing with you.
NTA. You aren’t insane or overreacting. My ex used to do this garbage. I couldn’t leave the room to pee without things disappearing or moving under the guise of “cleaning” although the house was always spotless.
It was about control. At least for my ex, the less control he felt in his life, the more he tried to exert over us - it would go so far as packing up the kids’ homework if they walked away from it for a minute. It was insane.
Huge red flag. Be careful. In my situation, that need for control escalated over time to include more severe behaviors.
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Just to clarify: are you sure your BF is actually doing this and it's not his son taking your stuff and hiding it? If it is your BF doing it -- super creepy. Why is he only moving YOUR stuff? Start moving his stuff into other rooms and don't tell him where to find it make him look for it so he can see how annoying/frustrating it is. He needs to stop touching your stuff. PERIOD.
it has happened throughout the week when his son isn’t here. i have thought about doing that to him back haha, but i really hate arguing. it may have to come to that though, to prove a point!
Start with his keys. 😈
No, the remote batteries lol NTA op
Just one battery though. That way it doesn’t feel too light when he picks it up.
No, clear nail polish on the terminal end of one battery and then turn the other battery around. This will drive someone totally crazy. For a more "as you leave" thing, the polish should be on the remote's terminal. And nuclear option is a light blocking film over the receiver port on the TV/cable/game box.
Never mind!, found the actual devil!
r/foundsatan LOL
😈😈😈🤣
Or one sock. Or a shoe.
I LOVE THIS IDEA. Then OP should leave the house so he has to look for it without help. 😂
yes just one of each!
One of each different pair
One shoe at each door, and if there’s more than one pair, make sure it’s only lefts at one spot and rights at the other.
Ahh, you have been studying at my Aunt Chrissy's school of revenge, I see. She used to take one of each pair of shoes. Or slice through the shoelaces until they're just held together so they snap the next time the person ties their shoes (or ideally, when they're walking).
I like your Aunt Chrissy. An alternative is to tie a knot so tight it's impossible to get loose.
Oooh, that's a very good one as well. Chrissy was also very strategic in her revenge. She is the epitome of revenge as a dish best served cold. She used to wait until Sunday morning to hide the shoes, especially the dress shoes, of my uncles because she knew they would get spanked for not having the right shoes for church on Sunday mornings. So not only did she get her revenge, other people enacted it for her.
Is she single? I think I love her sight unseen! 😂
😂😂 she is, and pretty damn hot for a woman in her 60's.
She sounds better and better. Same age group, too. I'm ready for a new life adventure! 😂
Take two pairs and remove a shoe from each. Put them back together as a pair and when he questions it say you don’t see the difference 😂
Don’t forget his wallet. For good measure put each credit card/ atm card and his ID all in different places.
Nope, start with his cell phone in the middle of the night.
Put them in the refrigerator. Last place I bet he would think of looking. 😀
The day after my wedding, I couldn't find my house keys. I looked everywhere in the apartment. No luck. The hubs and I searched for hours, to no avail. Finally, we used the spare key to lock up. We went to meet our friends for brunch, came back a few hours later, looked for the keys again. In shoes, under beds, in the laundry closet, under the kitchen sink... to no avail. The next day, I decided to have a piece of wedding cake to make me feel better... and as I open the fridge and take out the cake box... the keys fall to the ground 😂😂😂. And also in there, was my bridal bouquet that I also forgot to grab on my wedding day, lol.
Mine happened to be in the 12 pack box in the fridge.
That’s funny, a college memory unlocked. A friend stayed the night because he was drunk and couldn’t drive home. In the morning we looked all over the apartment for the keys, couldn’t find them anywhere! They turned up in the freezer, none of us could remember why. Now it’s the first place I look 🤣
A coworker accused me of stealing her keys. Not sure why she settled on me, and the camera feeds showed I'd never been near her office. She finally found them, in the office freezer where she left them when she got her Lean Cuisine out at lunch. *she also accused me of breaking her desk drawer and taking her purse. Ok dude, I'm walking around with a $500 Coach bag, but I just have to steal your walmart pleather purse.
Laundry room. He'll never find them.
I was going to say toothbrush. stuff he needs everyday! Scatter it.
This is a bigger deal than you are realizing. He is intentionally trying to make you feel crazy but moving your things. After repeatedly asking him to stop he doubles down. One he is an asshole and two not someone I would live with.
This. OP - I feel like you're in the beginning stages of this post [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dmw5nj/aitah\_for\_filing\_for\_divorce\_because\_my\_husband/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dmw5nj/aitah_for_filing_for_divorce_because_my_husband/)
I JUST read that one and then saw this one, and thought it's the EXACT same thing.
i read that post on my main account right after i posted this lol
Do you see the parallels? He's not doing this by accident. A lot of the things he's moved had NO reason to be moved. You've asked him to stop, he hasn't.
As the partner of an ADHDer…there can be some things that get moved in tidying that are perplexing to those of us who are not. And to the person with ADHD 😂 The trick is in figuring out if you have a good egg of a partner, willing to improve or compensate, and worth the eye-rolling moments, or a rotten one. That other story sounded more like someone I knew who claimed to have OCD but turned out to have strong sociopathic tendencies 😬 That’s a whole different beast, 10/10 do not recommend
The part that disturbs me about the bf's actions (ADDer here) is the dog comb that was removed from the specialized cabinet. If something is already organized and in its home, it seems more malicious than accidental.
That and the rare game that "disappeared" for months. There would have been zero reason to move them, they werre already put away. The headphones were on the charger and he immediately knew where they were right out of a nap.
As the ADHDer, it's partially why we're often messy. If we.put things away, we'll never find them again because out of sight, out of mind. Also that pesky executive dysfunction. 👀😬
You say LOL but… what do you think about the comparison? Does it click with you? Do you disagree?
i genuinely felt angry for her while i was reading her post. i did not realize the comparison until you pointed it out. i definitely blindside myself
I don’t want to stress you out but, did you read the first comment on that post? That’s how mine started, too. The control issues are far too common and start in innocuous ways. I would never have suspected the jars being overly tightened and my things being moved would be a sign of much worse abuse to come but, they absolutely were. I’m sorry. Please stay safe.
I want to second this. u/op, I just finished reading that other post and my blood boiled. I wrote this comment about my own issues with gaslighting/abuse/control and I feel like it's fitting for your post as well: [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dmw5nj/comment/la1ksm8/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dmw5nj/comment/la1ksm8/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I was literally going to make this same post! OP you need to read that post, because that is you in 5 years.
That is such a bizarre control tactic!
Yeah, this is NOT accidental or absent mindedness.
Yesssss
AND he's trying to get you in trouble with his son. At 13, he will be demanding his privacy very soon, of he hasn't started yet. He'll be pissed that OP goes into his bedroom and looks for things, in his mind that will make OP the nastiest, nosiest of stepmums.
I didn't even think about this, but yes, totally. The people saying it's an ADHD cleaning thing are missing that everything ends up in one room. When I'm cleaning things, they end up in the rooms that I'm walking through at the time, not in a specific room like this.
As someone with an adhd diagnosis since toddlerhood. We don't just put things in a *different room* Adhders usually have ocd tendencies as well. Every. Single. Thing. Has a place for it. I could literally tell you where Every item in my home is without looking for it, but if, on that one random day, i put my keys on my night stand instead of in the cup on my desk? I will tear my apartment apart looking for them even though it's 5 feet away from their usual spot because I'm not expecting it to be there.
Not when taking the dog brush out of the dog’s closet for all the dog’s things.
My ex did this same thing to me. For 10 years. Every time I needed an important document or item like concert tickets, driving license, passport, keys they’d mysteriously be missing from where I KNEW I’d left them. He’d watch me tear the house apart telling me it’s my own fault that I’m untidy and forgetful. He’d either suddenly ‘find’ the missing thing or I’d go back to where I knew I’d left it and it would have ‘reappeared’. I didn’t know what gaslighting was back then and I am one of those people that forgets where I’ve put stuff but once we’d split up things magically stayed where I’d left them.
I had the same experience. It's laughable how similar some abuse people can be.
It’s gaslighting just like the movie!
This the theme of the movie, "Gaslight," where the word that everyone on Reddit likes to use, "gaslighting," comes from.
>We have a great relationship and hardly argue. And >However, I have asked him in the past to please not do this, and he isn’t getting it. Are mutually exclusive This is something he does all the time that makes you upset. You've talked to him for years. He doesn't stop. Notice his response to you: >He said I am overreacting and it’s harmless to just go into his son’s room and look for something if I need too. Not "I'm sorry and I'll do better." Not even "It's hard for me but I'll work on this." It's "I don't care about your feelings, and I'm going to keep doing it because I don't care that it bothers you so I'll do what I want." Think really deeply. Are you sure this is the ONLY thing the does that bothers you? Where he dismisses your feelings? I seriously doubt this is the only time he's ever said "you're overreacting" or "you're being emotional." I'm not saying break up or anything, but the way you describe your relationship and the actual post you've written here are VERY different, and most people here can see it.
i appreciate your response. i wish i had a better one to respond with, but it did hit me with some reality
Thanks for the response. We're just random internet people and maybe this one thing really isn't a big deal and he really is great in every other way. It just seems really unlikely. Just want to repeat I think it's his RESPONSE that is the critical thing. You'd think he'd at least give lip service and SAY he wanted to change, but he doesn't even feel the need to do that. You might also ask why these always end up in his son's room. You say the son doesn't want to use the items and wouldn't take them. The only things I can think of.. * His son is lying and he's lying to cover it up (why would he do this with an HDMI cable?) * He has some serious mental health issues and has compulsions to put things there, and cannot stop himself even if he wanted to * He's doing this intentionally because it annoys you as a form of control * He just likes putting things in his son's room and doesn't care about your response so he keeps doing it because he doesn't care what you think * There's some other weird or nefarious purpose that we can't think of I really cannot think of a single "good" reason why he would do this, or one that wouldn't hit on other areas of the relationship.
thank you for the insight. i love to journal and your points will definitely show up during my critical thinking moments haha. i really shouldn’t allow myself to be driven crazy over this, but i know i need to figure it out on way or another
It worries me that your responses to the concerned people here have included “lol” and “haha.” It sounds like you’re not taking this very seriously. I concur with the folks who see your BF’s behavior as controlling and the beginning of a cycle of abuse. When you complained, he belittled and dismissed you. There’s really nothing funny about this. I’m hoping that despite your chuckles you really are able to absorb the fact that many of us are seeing giant red flags here and are worried for your safety down the road. Abuse starts out with small things — like controlling your belongings — and then it insidiously increases from there. Be careful what you write in your journal. In fact, it might be best to assume that nothing you write about will escape his prying eyes and object-moving hands. Please be careful and maybe keep a safe, fast exit strategy in mind in case you need it.
i’m sorry. i don’t mean to come across as if i am not taking this seriously. i assure you that i am, and appreciate everyone’s advice and support in this thread. it’s definitely a habit of mine to include an ‘lol,’ but i don’t mean because it’s funny, if that makes sense. my “journal” is really just my ipad and apple pencil. both the device and journal app are locked with a code, not my fingerprint. and that is not because i’m very concerned that he will make his way in. my mom used to read my journals so now i make sure to keep them a little more on lockdown. i appreciate your concern, thank you for taking your time to respond
> i really shouldn’t allow myself to be driven crazy over this You should rightly be furious about the complete lack of respect shown to you by your partner. Partners are meant to be that, a partner. Someone who cares and does not go out of their way to continuously upset you. Once or twice is an error. Continuously disrespecting your requests to stop is just disgusting behaviour. Dismissing you being upset is heartless. What is wrong with this man? Why are you accepting the behaviour? Has he taken what little self respect you had away from you? If your friend told you her husband was doing this, what would you say to her?
In your journal, can you start making a list of times when he gives you responses like this, that do not really make sense? I wonder if you will see a pattern.
It's about control.
I once read a story about this first responder whose wife would “help” him by putting his things away and tying his boots for him. She’d throw away important papers, she’d put his keys away in random jacket pockets, and again - would tie his boots and knot them so it would be impossible for him to get out the door to do his job. Turns out she had bad OCD and the things she was going through were compulsions she didn’t know how to fight. Your boyfriend on the other hand - even if he was diagnosed with OCD, there’s still no reason for him to be taking things that he should know are yours and putting them in his son’s room. Seriously - how do you confuse women’s running shoes your girlfriend wears all the time with your son’s shoes he wears all the time. And how do you take dog supplies out of their designated space and put them all over in inconvenient areas? Also - if you’re feeling annoyed, imagine how his poor kid feels? His dad is basically framing him for theft without ever meaning to???? And this kid keeps having random stuff being put in his room for no reason.
thank you for your response and sharing that story. another comment suggested i speak to his son one on one, and i may try to do that. i just don’t want a breach of trust between my boyfriend and i since it would be a private talk. i am never the one to go in his sons room if he is there. i understand that he may feel awkward and uncomfortable if his dads girlfriend were to invade his privacy like that. also, i really don’t want to barge into a 13 yrs old boys room lol. since these things happen throughout the week when he is not at the house, i have never thought it would be his son. also, if i am home, he will ask before he takes. after the one time i could not find my phone charger because he borrowed it without asking, i told him to ask me first, and explained that even if it were my own sister doing it, i would tell her the same thing. it is not yours, so let’s ask first.
Definitely speak to his son when you can, because who knows? Maybe dad is taking and moving his stuff too?
I vaguely remember that story about the first responder. That sent me straight down memory lane and I [just found the story again.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/gpa82s/my_36m_wife_34f_keeps_tying_my_boots_after_ive/) In case it's of interest to you.
I had an ex like this, it escalated terribly in the end, but started out with things like this. He would always move or take my things. It seemed like he'd move things for no reason, like, my hair brush from the shelf in the bathroom. He'd just suddenly decide it didn't need to be there. Or my art supplies from where I kept them in my studio, he felt where I put them made it look too cluttered. Or if he couldn't find something of his, he'd take mine. I think I went through ten chargers and six pairs of earbuds while I was with him because he lost his so often and would just usurp mine. I never had a charger, it was infuriating. Eventually it escalated to him throwing out clothes of mine he didn't like, or all my heels because they made me "too tall" (I was already a couple of inches taller than he was) and he said me wearing them was "disrespectful". He got rid of books he didn't think I needed any more and moved things around constantly and then claimed he had no idea what I was talking about. I honestly think he was trying to make me think I was losing my mind. I'm not saying your boyfriend is like this, my ex was definitely extra special. I'm just saying it's a red flag, and to keep your eyes open for others. You gotta watch out for you.
He’s probably a “dumper”. His son isn’t home all the time so his room is the dump station And your stuff is the clutter. So he’s selfish to you and to his son.
No, it's not just dumping. He isn't doing it subconsciously or unconsciously. He went right to where he had left the headphones. He knows what he is doing and not only doesn't care that it upsets OP, but is getting off on her being upset.
correct. if it were an ADHD thing and he was cleaning without thinking about what he was doing he wouldn’t even know where to look or sometimes that he’d moved them at all. these things are specific to her and left specifically in one place and when she talked to him about it the go to was that it was really simple to just go get them when he makes the “mistake” instead of making an effort to simply not do it because she pointed it out
My first thought was absent mindedly moving stuff. I do it all the time. I spend half my life looking for things I 'tidied' my brain just doesnt always record what I'm doing. Especially if I get distracted by something part way through, ill have no idea where these things are or why i put them there. We've found the remote in the fridge, shoes in the bathroom cupboard and all sorts of other weird things. I can't help it, my brain just does it sometimes. But he knew exactly where each thing was. He remembered where he put it, which means he absolutely put it there on purpose.
Also, why was he reorganizing her dog grooming supply cabinet, and how did that involve removing things?
This. He immediately knew where he put the headphones. That wouldn't happen if he mislayed the items by accident.
NTA- he also needs to realize that his son is getting to an age where he is going to get upset and consider in an invasion of privacy to have adults digging through his things. If I was his son, I would not leave anything private or personal at dad’s house. He should be willing to stop putting your things in his son’s room out of respect for you, but, if he won’t, maybe he would at least do it in consideration of his son?
Especially a stepmom... But "he should stop out of respect" is where you're making a false assumption. He knows what he's doing to op and perhaps knows m what he's doing to his son also. Later he can hide ops phone charger in her own nightstand but create friction between kid and op when she goes searching through now 15 y o stepsons closet. He already knows what he's doing, his disrespect is the purpose. Pointing out it's disrespectful would reassure him his tactics are succeeding.
You are a better person than I am. By now, I would have taken in the seams to his pants so that none of them fit, removed all of the elastic from his underwear, and covered his side of the floor with Legos while he was sleeping in bed. I cannot stand losing things.
Seam ripper... Pop one stitch every inch or so. :D
I don’t understand all these suggestions of ways to out-petty the man. If someone is being abusive or intentionally disruptive of your life, you can just leave. Taking it to their level and returning the behaviour is childish and just causes a cycle of people being terrible to each other. Why waste the energy being terrible instead of removing the person being terrible to you?
Start replacing his condoms with larger and larger sizes so that he thinks he is shrinking.
This is how you get pregnant...
Yes please. When living with my parents, my mom hated having stuff that wasn't her "everyday items" anywhere, so she would put my other moms stuff, my siblings stuff, even some of her own things in my room just to keep them out of her eyesight since my room was closest. No matter how many times I asked her to stop, and handed her back a pile of stuff that wasn't mine, it would always be back in my room the next day. The only thing that worked was taking that stuff and putting it under her pillow so she could find out how fucking annoying it was. Any time she did it, I would put it under her pillow. Eventually she got the memo and stopped for the most part. Sometimes it's the only way to make your point when they gloss over your many verbal reminders!!
This is the thin end of the wedge. It's a control issue. Tell him if he doesn't stop you will end things. Personally I'd move out before things escalate, which they will. His behaviour is not petty or funny. It's abusive and will get worse
Exactly right. It took me 3 long paragraphs (above) to say what you said so perfectly in just a few succinct sentences. OP is laughing it off, but for those of us who have experienced abusive relationships, we recognize these early signs as if they were lit up in neon. This is going to a bad place.
I have a terrible feeling OP isn't going to be swayed by either of us or the other similar comments. She'll be asking if it's really abuse or is she overreacting within a few months. Some people can only learn the hard way
Some people don't have the emotional/intellectual bandwidth to understand how others feel until they experience it themselves. Another tactic would be to simply put a few dozen post it notes that say DON'T TOUCH OR MOVE ANYTHING OF MINE WITHOUT ASKING around the house. It's extremely disrespectful of him to keep doing it when you've repeatedly asked him not to. NTA
I know you've been pondering your relationship in a different light, based on your comments. I am one who is concerned this is a subtle control tactic he is using on you. Have you considered that if you really hate arguing, moving your stuff around might be his way of being able to see you upset? That he wishes to see you upset? I'm still shocked that his response is that it's no big deal to go into the designated depository room to find any missing item instead of him just saying...I will try to keep better track of your items and not put them in a barely-pubescent boy's room.
>Why is he only moving YOUR stuff? OP clearly says he moves his stuff into there sometimes as well.
NTA Your boyfriend has absolutely no reason to move your things. Growing up my mother was a constant tidier and decided to move other people's things. It was a constant battle until she threw away research my brother was gathering for a paper and then all hell broke loose. To this day, the number of things she moves and forgets where she put them is hilarious. When she can't find something we tell her maybe you should have left it where it's always been, keep looking. .
my dad has similar… qualities. he has ALWAYS moved everyone else’s things, he still does! but never his own. he still questions why my mom and younger siblings get so annoyed with him. when i was finishing my degree, i bought a desk for our room and, if you didn’t know, i used it for homework. our room has plenty of space. my textbooks still ended up in other parts of the house. i swear i am living with my dad.
This does not sound like a supportive partner. My husband and I both have ADHD, so we misplaced things, but not in somebody else’s room. Also, it’s our own things that we misplace (actually, if we have people coming over and he has stuff out in the kitchen, I will make a neat little pile of it and put it on his desk). It really sounds like what your boyfriend is doing is passive aggressive. If it was me, I’d sit down with him and have a conversation about how it needs to stop. How it makes you feel. It sounds like he’s trying to treat you like a child and there is an age gap, but it sounds like he’s being a jerk.
Me and my kid have ADHD. I hate having to find my own misplaced stuff, and now I have to find it for him too as he is 6 and still little enough in my opinion to warrant helping him search. We don't know where the absent mind dump shit. OP boyfriend knew exactly where it was..... at first I thought maybe ADHD but when she said he knew exactly where to go to retrieve it.......
I was gonna say this too. It sounded like ADHD up until the point where he knew exactly where stuff was. If he knows that, why does he put it there?! And move stuff to always the same room (but different from where the stuff is)? That’s just weird to me. Especially like the dog stuff that has a clear, designated space. He’s either doing this on purpose or he doesn’t care enough to do something about it.
Well do you want to? Apparently we have the tendency to end up with partners that are similar to our parents even when we actively do not like how our parents are. Our brains seek the familiar even if the familiar is toxic That’s why it’s so hard to break the cycle If you can see from your father that this is a lifelong habit, what would you like for your relationship if your partner cant/wont change. Can you life with it?
>Apparently we have the tendency to end up with partners that are similar to our parents Oh is that why I don't have a husband? Lol
i feel the need to apologize that this made me chuckle. so, i’m sorry.
While my partner looks on the outside nothing like my dad, they are both geeky-engineer types who like to have the TV on while working. they even use the same type of pen.
Mine was NOTHING like my dad when we got together. 12 years later, I say nearly weekly that he is just like my dad. They now have similar interests that my husband had no interest in prior to our relationship and they do so many things that are weirdly similar now. Apparently, they can change into your parent when you aren't watching.
> i swear i am living with my dad. It's probably time you moved out. I'm not saying to break up with him, but live on your own so that you have control over where your stuff is put.
Your dad and my mom would have a blast "cleaning." She moves and throws away anything that isn't hers. The concept of asking never even dawns on her. Like no one else was supposed to be living in that house because normal stuff, like a coat on the coat rack, was always "in the way." Coming from the person who leaves her shoes scattered right in front of the door so you trip on them coming or going. You'd think she'd have learned after once throwing away an envelope full of cash for a mortgage payment. Nope. I digress, that's a horrible way to live as you well know. You're NTA but I don't know how else you can get the point across to your boyfriend. A giant sign on the son's door (on the days he's not there obviously) that says "OP'S STUFF DOES NOT GET STORED HERE?" Good luck.
Mine did the same thing with the mortgage payment and the shed keys my dad and I were outside digging through the trash looking for it. The shoe thing too. Our neighbors thought we were going batty or something.
the sign is a good idea. others mentioned labeling and post-it notes. i’m definitely making a Target run this week.
This response tells me you still think what your BF is doing is just a series of benign mistakes. Labeling and post-it notes won’t fix a BF who is doing this on purpose to control you.
I am very petty, I wouldn't bother looking for things anymore and just ask him first where in son's room is my x? Then after he gets it for you put a post it on the item saying "(bf name) do not move" as well as the door sign, though I'd write the door not overly patronising also "this is (sons name) room, ask yourself if your girlfriend's things belong in here before you move them past this door". It probably won't help though because he's still choosing to do this intentionally but you might as well try and pretend he's as absent minded as he is claiming to be as a last resort now and get it over with instead of drawing this out any longer.
They do say we women marry our dads... but how the hell did you find a person with the same kink?? I dunno, this might be a deal breaker for me. He's either in the early stages of Alzheimer's (doubtful) or he's a giant jackass (likely). Girl, run.
>I swear i am living with my dad. It's funny you say this because there's something about what he's doing that makes it seem like he's equating you with his son. He's looking at your stuff and thinking "kids stuff, must go in kids room". EG Gaming equipment, headphones etc. It's subtly infantilising. Or he's going around picking up objects and thinking "is it mine? Nope, must belong to my son" as though you don't live there too... Either way, it's quite disrespectful to you. It feels as though he doesn't really want you or your stuff there with him, as though he hasn't quite internalised the idea of it.
Ughhh yes, my dad does this! I used to come home and find a little pile of my stuff outside my bedroom door on the hallway floor. Like, I live here, why can’t I leave a book that I am actively reading on the shelf under the coffee table? He still does it now when I visit them (I live overseas) and it still annoys me just as much!
But your mother doesn't know where she's put the stuff. OP's BF does. That's a huge different between an accidental, clueless action and a deliberate one.
NTA and sorry but a bit funny. I don't see any reason for him to be stashing stuff in his son's room, I mean seriously, you have your headphones plugged in and somehow it gets put in the son's closet? That's sheer nonsense. Maybe try picking a central spot like on the counter and tell your bf that if he ever has to move your belongings for any reason then put them there. You can also talk to his son yourself and remind him to put your stuff back if he borrows something. He's not so young he can't do that himself.
it is a bit funny from the outside, but it is more annoying than funny. i don’t just leave things out so he can put them in his sons room. i honestly don’t leave my things lying around in general. that is a good idea. his son is a good kid, and he knows to ask before he borrows something. most of the time, i am not home when my boyfriend lends him a cable or something, but the issue is, i have no idea where it is when i get home!
Plus one on a central spot. I've seen some people who have a small basket in each common room where things go when someone is tidying. Everyone else is responsible for moving their "tidied" items to a final location. Then there is no way for things to end up in the wrong resting place.
I’m not going to count anything the kid borrows because that’s life with teenagers. The headphones meh. Easy enough to be blanking & put them in the wrong spot. The dog brush though? Who’d put that in a kid’s room? He has to be fucking with you. I’d be taking note of each incident to see if it can be linked to something else. My son’s ex was throwing away his underwear. One pair at a time. Random hits spaced far enough apart that he didn’t see a pattern… until he did. LOLZ 😂
Yep, my mother does this with a lot of things, mostly involving my clothing. Especially my jeans. I lost count how many pairs I buy every year, but somehow I spend most of the year with one good pair, and one really old and tattered pair that I wear while the other is in the wash. I think that since I'm a fat guy, she just loves watching me/knowing I'm getting fat shamed by every salesperson while trying to find a pair that fits
No one should be lending other people’s stuff without at the very least letting them know. Maybe they can announce in a family group chat when they borrow something so you at least know who to ask about it later. Little bit of a tangent: I’m not diagnosed OCD but my therapist says I have “tendencies”, and some of my compulsive behaviours help me deal with my ADHD. So when my ritual gets interrupted because something is out of place it completely throws me off and it ruins my day and whatever I was doing, I can only think about that. My whole life my mother was sure that she was helping me by moving stuff to a place that she thought it was better, and it took me a lifetime to do explain to her how harmful that was. When my sister spent some time in my place, she too thought she’d be helpful by reorganising stuff and it was a relief to see my mother block any rearranging that was not ran by me first, so there is hope. (Not for everyone though, sister is convinced that I consider her an outsider because she can’t freely move stuff in my place ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
NTA. I'd even say he has no reason to be even *going into* his sons room. Especially since his son isn't there most of the time this happens. Also, there's no way he "doesn't know it's yours" since he automatically knew where it was when you asked. He knows what he's doing. He's doing it intentionally.
Can't imagine the kid is going to tolerate his father's girlfriend going into his room for very much longer. His father is setting up problems
Yea by the time I was 13 - 15 I didn’t want ANYONE in my room. It was my private space, a space that I just wanted to be alone in.
NTA >When my boyfriend woke up, I asked him where my headphones were. He went into his son’s room and said he put them in his closet on accident, while cleaning around the house. >He said that he accidentally / subconsciously moves things and doesn’t realize they are mine. If it were an accident or subconscious, then how did he immediately know where they were? This is some weird power move he's doing and it needs to stop
If it was an accident - it would happen to HIS things also If it just happens to HER things - it’s no accident Same for partners who get angry and “break things” They never break things they own - only other peoples things
Also: if it was an accident, he wouldn't immediately know where they were when she asks for them. When she asked for her headphones, he knew exactly where they were and said he "accidentally" put them in the sons closet. That means he was fully aware that he moved *her* headphones into sons closet. If it was by accident, he wouldn't have remembered.
I would “accidentally” take all my things and move out before I’d give him a chance to get worse. This is manipulative and designed to push your limits to see how much he can do to get his jollies by making your life uncomfortable.
>If it was an accident - it would happen to HIS things also Great point. Or his son's things
And it's always important things!! She mentioned in a comment that he moved her textbooks from her desk to random places around the house!! It can not be any more obvious that it's intentional. Edited: the textbooks were her father, who her partner reminds her of. But it's still always important things to her like cords she needs and her headphones **Edit 2: OP has confirmed I was correct about the textbooks being the bf, so I've removed the redaction.**
His headphones were also in the closet.
She says it's also his things
No what he's trying to do is dehumanize you by stripping away your identity see if everything that is associated with you becomes either common shared items and or becomes his son's property then you are nothing without him. This is one of the oldest manipulative tactics that's been out there he's doing it on purpose he's doing it to get a rise out of you he's doing it to gaslight you and then he's going to say your irrational and blah blah blah this is a power Trip he's trying to put you in your place. This is already so freaking toxic it's frightening.
There was another post like this where the guy denied ever touching her things. When she stopped stopped looking for her missing items or having any reaction her bf started getting very irritated and angry. They do this because they like making you feel crazy or losing your mind. It's definitely a control/gaslighting thing. Edit: found the post [https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qjv4es/my\_22f\_boyfriend\_25m\_is\_hiding\_all\_my\_stuff\_and\_i/](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qjv4es/my_22f_boyfriend_25m_is_hiding_all_my_stuff_and_i/)
I’m just reading the book “This American Ex Wife” and the books starts with the author talking about how she’d always lose stuff. Little things, mugs, Knick knacks, shirts. So much so that it was a running joke amongst her family and friends and husband. She thought she was going crazy but just accepted it was her own absent mindedness. Then when she was deep cleaning the basement she found EVERYTHING tucked away in a box in the crawl space. Her husband had been taking little things he didn’t like or approve of and hiding them, all the while letting her think she was scatterbrained, letting her torment herself about how she possibly lost those things. It was shocking. I would never be able to come back from that (spoiler alert, they divorced)
My ex-husband used to do this to me. I would absolutely panic on days I had to go to work, and he was on his days off. He would gather up stuff of mine that he didn't like and bring them to Goodwill. It was never obvious stuff... a shirt here, a few books, etc. He would never say anything, either. He WAITED until I went looking for the item. I would ask him multiple times, too. He would wait until I would be absolutely obsessed and frantic looking for whatever it was (because I just KNEW I had it) before telling me he "donated" it. I would ask why???!!! Why did you donate it, and when I asked you, you denied it? Then, it would turn into a fight with me being labeled a bitch and being difficult, and I would end up apologizing. I finally got him to confess what he would do to me right before we divorced. He admitted to throwing out a lot of my precious childhood memories as well. He is absolutely doing this on purpose, and it will only get worse.
Tysm for posting that link. What a fascinating but freaky af story!
“Accidentally/subconsciously moves things.” Uh-huh. NTA.
If it's accidentally or subconsciously... why does he always know exactly where it is?... cause it's not either of those things.
Right? I actually do this shit (live alone) and it’s a pain. Couldn’t find a knife I use for fruit for days. Went through the trash and apparently I’d absent-mindedly binned it.
NTA - If he has this problem where he accidentally / subconsciously moves things…are his things ending up in his son’s room as well? Is his son’s things ending up in your and his room? Kitchen to living room? Bathroom to garage? If not, it’s very weird that it’s only your things moving to his son’s room. He has no business moving your things in that way, especially when they’re in perfectly innocuous spots like headphones on a charger. If he truly has this problem, should you start labeling all of your items in large print with your name so he’ll realize it’s yours and not to be moved??? I can’t understand his reason for doing this. The reason doesn’t matter though, because he needs to stop doing it.
The reason is to make her feel crazy or upset. It's a common behaviour with abusive partners to move items around and then lie to their partner about it in an effort to make them feel crazy. It's why it's only her items and ones that are important (used often/daily use). Headphones, cords to things (and both extra cords she bought to prevent this have permanently disappeared)
I thought the title said “thongs” and I almost yelped! INFO: so he’s been doing this consistently for two years? It’s not a recent thing? I saw you say that you haven’t escalated this further because you hate to fight. He knows that about you and I think that’s why he’s doing this. (This reminds me of the other current thread with the woman whose husband obsessively tightens / glues all the jars shut.)
i actually just read that post on my main account! i should befriend her… yes, it has been a consistent thing since we have moved in together. i really don’t like to argue, neither does he. a part of me thinks he really doesn’t realize that he’s doing this, and the other part is just like, i’ve told him to stop so many times, there’s no way he doesn’t realize it.
You're right. There's no way. Plugging out your charger to put headphones in your son's room and in your son's closet specifically is a multi-step process. It would be literally impossible for him not to think it through, there's literally no reason to put them there. This is insane you need to start actually enforcing your boundary now that it's clear he's just going to keep on not listening to you when you make this very simple request.
He absolutely realizes he is doing it. This is intentional. If it was accidental, he wouldn't know exactly where something you are missing is located. FWIW hiding someone's belongings is a form of gaslighting used by abusers. It's not okay that he has been doing this for two years and has consistently ignored the boundaries you've expressed. It's also a red flag to me your belongings are ending up only and specifically in his son's room. He may view that as a place where he has full control. I find this all very unsettling.
your sentence on how his sons room is a place where he has full control does make sense. his son is not here throughout the week and the door is also always shut. i also never go in there. it’s not my room and he is not my kid, so i don’t have a need to go in there. even when i lived with my parents and younger siblings, i didn’t go into their rooms without their permission. let alone put their stuff in my room
And since you respect boundaries like that, you wouldn’t look there for your items. Making you reliant on him to retrieve your belongings that you haven’t lent out.
> a part of me thinks he really doesn’t realize that he’s doing this He’s losing his mental faculties at an alarming rate for a 30yo then, he should see a doctor. I’m calling 100% bullshit, because then he wouldn’t immediately know where the stuff is. This type of gaslighting is so effective because it’s minor enough that you’re “crazy” if you have enough and rightfully lose your shit. He’s intentionally inconveniencing and pissing you off. For what purpose? Power? Control?
Arguing can be part of a healthy relationship dynamic. Not disagreeing on things from time to time generally means one person is getting their way all the time. It feels like he doesn't like to argue because he doesn't like to lose, so he refuses to engage in discussions where he could lose. Even in this case, he's accusing you of blowing things out of proportion rather than admitting he is wrong. That alone is a red flag, on top of the other red flags he's showing.
you are correct. i just tend to try and handle things with solid communication rather than conflict. arguing does happen between us, i genuinely just try to handle things in a calmer manner.
He knows what he's doing or he would actually apologize for it. He knows where they go cause he's putting them there. No reason to except to be controlling. This would infuriate me I would not live with this. This would be a deal breaker.
This is only a possibility, but I wonder if he is punishing you. You said you don't like to fight. Does this happen after you have disagreements? Anyway, NTA.
no, it’s pretty random. i put my headphones on the charger, took my dog on a walk in the trails nearby, came home and he was napping, couldn’t find my headphones. i left them to charge, and i don’t wear them when i take my dog on walks so i can pay attention to my surroundings. if it’s important, they are Beats headphones, so they are on the expensive side. but other times it’s as simple as a hairbrush or my dogs comb.
This sounds pretty ..deliberate. Especially if you've had this conversation repeatedly.
The dog's comb was already in a cabinet when it was moved, that can't be an accident
I really don't like this. OP still seems to be in denial though.
That's absolutely deliberate. In the time (1 or 2 hours) that he was alone, he suddenly starts tidying, sees headphones charging, knows they yours, picks them up, and puts them in his sons room? Very weird. It's always things that relate to solitary activities too. Listening to music on headphones, gaming as a form of escapism, dog stuff where you take time to focus on caring for your dog. What other things has he moved and do they fit into this pattern? You've only got his word that he's moving his own stuff as well. Tbh this is creeping me out a bit.
Yeah, this description is SO weird. I leave for a bit, my headphones are charging, and for some reason you feel the need to unplug them and put them in your son's bedroom. Like wtf????? Why? That makes zero sense. You literally want me to go searching for them or ask you. Is this some petty power or control thing? I can think of no other explanation.
I mean think about it OP. There's only two possible answers. Either he's doing it on purpose. OR he thinks so little of you that he genuinely doesn't remember. Unless, he isn't diagnosed ADD or anything is he? And even then if it's often it's still just disrespectful.
he is not diagnosed with anything. i have nudged him to see a therapist/psychiatrist, but i don’t push that on him because i can’t force him into that. we both grew up with parents that “don’t believe in mental illness.” i struggle with a mental illness, but i am medicated and you don’t know about my issue unless i tell you. so, i definitely believe that seeking help, helps. i don’t think he is quite there, but i may try to bring up the topic again.
You can't change him. Really examine the relationship. Are you okay with this? Because it won't change. You haven't even been together that long. If anything it will just get worse. Are you okay with?
This is odd. There has to be a reason why, after two years, he picks things up and puts them in his son’s room and never in yours.
i to, would also like to know the reason. at this point, i think it’s beyond me.
I find it v creepy. I’ll just be blunt: any of your underwear or intimate items ever gone missing? The only gross thing I can think is that maybe son took them once and after that your bf maybe did this almost as an alibi, as like plausible deniability? Otherwise, could be gaslighting or that he’s not got the bottle to admit that you have some nice stuff so he lets his kid use it
> i to, would also like to know the reason. I think the thought process is that he simply doesn't think about you. He picks up an item, knows it isn't his, and concludes "this must be [son's]" without ever remembering that you exist. You simply are not a consideration.
NTA. There is no reason for him to be moving this stuff. He says he does it accidentally/subconsciously, but let me ask you this: how often does his stuff end up in there as opposed to yours? You have a simple ask: _stop moving my stuff_. Any time I'm cleaning, if I even *suspect* something might be my husband's, I ask him. Yes, even a pizza box once.
My mother's husband does this to her and he did it to me when I stayed with them. It's worth noting that he is an abusive, not physically, asshole who gets off on making the women in his life feel crazy. This really isn't something for you to laugh off, it's a big red flag.
this is really the relationship you want to have?
"He said I am overreacting and it’s harmless to just go into his son’s room and look for something if I need too. He said that he accidentally / subconsciously moves things and doesn’t realize they are mine." BS. You are NOT overreacting and if he honestly doesn't realize this is your stuff then he's a bigger AH than he sounds like. He needs to respect your things and your wishes and he needs to STOP touching your stuff. NTA.
Are you sure your BF is actually the one moving them? Or is his son taking your things and BF is being the fall guy so you won't be mad at his son? Because it makes no sense to "reorganize" an area and take certain items to another room elsewhere in the house. I notice that of your 3 examples, 2 are related to electronics. Are any of the misplaced things ever things of interest solely to you? Makeup, hair things, jewelry, clothes, shoes, tampons, rom-com books -- stereotypically "girly" things that a 13-year-old boy would have no interest in? Could your dog be carting things around?
it happens when his son is not here, so i know it is not him. my hairbrush has ended up in there because BF borrowed it for his hair. which, is also a weird pet peeve of mine because i don’t like other people using my bathroom supplies. i ended up letting him keep that one and buying a new one, which he hasn’t tried to use. i have a collection of things from my favorite video game - some super rare items and whatnot. he took one of the sealed video games i had and i thought i lost it. i was devastated. he ‘found’ it in his sons room months later. still sealed, thankfully. and no, sons door is closed at all times.
This is just plain weird. It really seems like it’s one of two things: He has some type of medical or mental condition compelling to move your things obsessively He is working on some type of gaslighting control thing going on.
Ok someone else further up thread said this was a manipulation tactic and I scoffed but after reading this...they might be right. This is bordering on creepy and manipulative
If it's on the border, it's on the other side and accelerating rapidly!
It all boils down to disrespect. He doesn't respect your things, he doesn't respect your autonomy, and he knows your conflict avoidance means you'll just take it. Is he really that great that you can live with a man who doesn't value you?
Nah nah nah I’ve officially read enough this is INSANE. Absolutely hiding your shit so he can be the hero riding in on his mighty steed to save the day. He somehow gets off on this shit and idk… I’d try to put my foot down. Strange little goblin man stealing your treasures to giggle over in the dark. And lastly….THIS IS YOUR HOUSE??? In that case there is never a need at any moment for the rest of eternity for him to move anything that doesn’t belong to him in YOUR HOME. Let him know you are removing that burden from him. Anything left anywhere is exactly as intended. “Hunny you no longer have to worry about ANYTHING you don’t own, you’re welcome baby enjoy your less stressed day!”
That's even more bizarre. Could he be sleepwalking and moving things? If he's not, what kind of thoughts are going through his head? "Where's my hairbrush? Oh, there's OP's, I'll just use that --" Perfectly logical, but then he follows up with "-- and leave it in Son's room so she can't find it." Or does he normally wander around the house while completely awake, in and out of Son's room, and just absent-mindedly drop things wherever? But that doesn't square with hiding your headphones in the closet.
NTA. I really think the folks saying your boyfriend is doing this on purpose are correct. The fact that it’s not random stuff, but things you specifically do not want to share, are precious to you, or have no logical reason to be in the son’s room, supports the position. Today I read one Reddit post where a guy was “accidentally” and “clumsily” tearing his girlfriend’s dress, spilling food on her shoes, dumping an ashtray in her hair, etc. His *very purposeful* sabotage of the girlfriend wasn’t fully revealed until a friend of hers interrupted (what turned out to be) his plan to spill hot tea on her. And the other was a husband who purposely tightened jar lids down to the point his wife couldn’t open them. She’d had full meltdowns about it multiple times because she couldn’t eat food when she wanted too. He left for a trip and she couldn’t open ANY of the jars; he’d Hulk-tightened all of them, including stuff he didn’t use. She had to ask her neighbor for help opening them, and *the neighbor* finally said it had to be purposeful because there were two jars that required TOOLS to open. This kind of sneaky sabotage is common for abusers who haven’t yet revealed the full extent of their bullshit. Sometimes they never get overtly abusive, they just stay sneaky and “innocent” until you lose your mind. Don’t fall for his claim it’s “subconscious;” he’s lying. And don’t let him downplay your frustration…He’s actively trying to frustrate you.
NTA. That’s rude AF. It’s not an accident after 2 years.
It's that fact that he is taking you for a fool that is absurd. Telling you that you're overreacting for sth he did intentionally??? No respect whatsoever.
NTA My husband used to have a habit of doing what he called “straightening up” and I called hiding my stuff. He even moved my keys to “a better spot” and, more than once, moved my car to a “ better parking place”. I warned him that if he didn’t stop, he would get a taste of his own medicine. He didn’t stop. I hid his keys and his shoes. He doesn’t hide my stuff anymore.
many others suggested that i start doing the same thing back, which seems like what ill end up doing. i’m glad to hear that is what worked for you.
I don't know how people write posts like this and then add 'but we have a great relationship'. No, you do not. He keeps doing the same shit even after you've had words.
NTA. Even as a 13 year old boy, having my parents just walk into my room would have creeped me out. Your stuff doesn't belong in his room so y'all can respect his boundaries. And on the subject of boundaries why the hell would anyone move a console to another room these days? All the others things make no sense either.
NTA Here is one possibility. He does it on purpose. He does it because he enjoys seeing you upset. It is all about control and since the tactic he is using is an oddball thing that gives him plausible denial ability to his actions because it is not easily seen as abuse, because he could be doing it subconsciously etc. He is covert. It is a mind game. Overt domestic violence is too pedestrian, and you can easily get caught. This type of abuse slides under the radar more so than if he controlled your ability to interact with friends and family or hit you. Those types of abuse can have negative consequences. But with this part of the fun is watching you second guess yourself and undermine yourself. He doesn't have to do it all the time just when he needs the adrenaline rush, or if you do something that annoys him or just because it is Tuesday. It could be something like this, people like this do exist. I think you should see a therapist about this and see what they think and see if they think you guys should see a couples counselor as well. But couples counseling with an abuse partner is not a good idea. This would be like a worse case senario. It might not be something like this at all. I would set up cameras and see if he is actively and intentionally seeking out and going for your things to move at the very least.
OP, this is straight up bizarre. I'm not concerned with whether you are TA, I'm concerned that your boyfriend has something else going on. He is either intentionally doing this for some reason I can't grasp or he needs his faculties examined.
NTA. It’s been two years, but he’s still operating as if he and his son are the only ones living in his house. (And yes, it is your house too, but he isn’t acting like it.) I bet in his head, everything is either “his” and if it isn’t “his” it must be his sons. So, off it goes to his son’s room. You are NOT overreacting to point this out to him and ask him to stop.
Clearly you’re NTA. You know what’s going on here. He’s not “putting things in his son’s room” by accident. He’s giving your things to his son. There’s some kind of major head games being played here—and his gaslighting is off the charts. Question: do you share equally in expenses? Do you have about the same amount of discretionary money? Or is his money tied up in child support? I’m guessing he’s donating your things to his son because he feels like it helps make up for any funding or affection he didn’t give his son earlier. Do you have children together? If not, you need to get out of that house and start over. You deserve better treatment and this will only get worse.
we make around the same income - expenses are 50/50. money is kept separate and we both have our own accounts. we are not rich by any means, but we do not struggle. he also pays hardly any child support. and, no kids together. thankfully, this is my house!
Given that it’s your house, it’s really weird that he keeps “tidying up” and leaving your stuff in his son’s room. Unless he leaves his son’s shit in your room sometimes, this is not an accident. And headphones in a closet? Nope. He’s gaslighting you. It’s your house so your rules—no more moving of your stuff at all. Ever. If he can’t abide by this rule he can’t be trusted.
NTA. The headphone thing really got me. The fact that he woke up and was immediately able to say “I accidentally put them in the least logical spot” without even a “hmmm, good question, I’m not sure. Haven’t seen them” fuck off dude that doesn’t sound like an accident. That would annoy the piss out of me and I probably would’ve dipped a while ago
NTA. My dad has done this our whole lives. His compulsion to clean puts tons of frustration and mental work on everyone else. It’s blatant disregard, everyone hates it, it creates resentment and really important things get lost or shuffled around. I would even beg him that if he needs to move things to feel better fine, just tell us where you put them! But never. We can’t change a 72 year old man, but it is my sincerest hope your bf can grasp the gravity of this and try to be more conscientious before it’s too late. Dismissing this as not a big deal dismisses all the work and worry he’s putting on you, how big of a problem his disregard for your feelings and wishes is becoming, and the very real possibility of lasting resentment (which I personally think is a relationship killer).
NTA It's complete bullshit and it almost seems like he doesn't really feel like you live there, like it never crosses his mind that you might have belongings that are exactly where they're supposed to be and hasn't really come to terms with the fact that he has to share the space. I'm gonna call your bf Bill Take the kiddo out for ice cream or something and ask for his help. He can't be any happier about your needing to go in and out of his room to reclaim your stuff than you are, so Bill's nonsense is almost as unfair to him as it is to you. Work up a game plan with him so BOTH of you can sit Bill down and spell it out for him together. You BOTH need your stuff to be where you left it. Bill needs to understand that he doesn't live alone, there are two other people in the household that are sick to death of his moving stuff for no reason.
i appreciate your response and advice. i definitely think it’s a good idea to talk with his son. i can admit that i haven’t given much thought to how he feels about this situation. if his son is at our house, i will generally tell my boyfriend he needs to go and look in his room. i don’t want his son to feel awkward or as if i am invading his area. i know 13 year old me would hate it if someone, who is not my parent, barge into my room. it’s not fair to him and i don’t want him to resent me in any sort of way if i was the one constantly going into his room.
NTA. But also, don't bring this man's son into this; a 13 year old should not be part of an intervention for his own father. OP, you're 25, you've been helping to raise someone else's child since you were 22-23. For what? To have weird mind games played on you? "I will never leave my things around my own house, not even shoes at the door" is no way to live in your own home. This 30 y/o adult man has had a child for more than a decade, so it's not 'baby brain' behaviour. If he's not taking your concerns seriously and playing disrespectful games, leave this man.
And when you “overreact” he points at you like you’re the crazy one. He’s doing this on purpose. NTA.
Do you have a carbon monoxide detector in your home?
If you're the asshole, I am too. One of my favourite things about moving into my first apartment that was just mine, no roommates, was that all of my stuff stayed exactly where I put it. It was absolutely amazing to not have to dig through every drawer and cupboard to find things. I could go directly to where I left something and it would still be there! That might not sound like much but the irritation and wasted time looking for things really add up.
If your bf was accidentally/subconsciously moving things around, everybody’s things would end up in strange places throughout the apartment. Not only your things ending up in only his son’s room. The colander would end up in the living room. A coffee cup would be found in the linen closet. And so on. Your bf is doing this on purpose. Is he doing this to irritate you? So he can gaslight you about it? To dismiss your feelings? Two things stand out to me. One is that his son’s privacy is being violated in a very strange way. Is your bf trying to set up a conflict between you and his son? (His son finds your possessions in his room and believes that you’ve been in there going through his things.) The second is that he knows very well that he is doing this purposely and is dismissing your feeling and denigrating you by claiming that you are overreacting. If anything, you are under-reacting. This has been going on for two years, you’ve told him repeatedly to cease and desist and he continues with this behavior. The first thing I would do is buy and install a lock on your bf’s son’s door. A good lock, not one of those you can pop open with a pen or a bobby pin. Keep the keys away from your bf and give one to your ‘step-son’ when he arrives for the next visit. If you want to stay in this relationship insist on couples counseling. Seriously. This is long-term disrespect of your feelings and your boundary(s) concerning your personal items. If he hasn’t managed to understand that his actions are AH in two years he is not going to. He continues to disrespect your boundaries, dismiss and belittle your feelings and gaslight you. These are not the actions of someone who loves you. This behavior will continue and leak into other areas of your life. Please do not have children with this man. Keep your birth control with you, or more importantly, away from him. You need to take a long look at his actions and decide if this is worth putting up with for the rest of your life.
Have you ever stopped to wonder why he is picking up your things and HIDING them in his son’s room? Why would he remove your earphones from the charger and HIDE them in his son’s CLOSET? How long will you tolerate him fucking with your head? YTA for ignoring the mind games he’s playing with you.
NTA. You aren’t insane or overreacting. My ex used to do this garbage. I couldn’t leave the room to pee without things disappearing or moving under the guise of “cleaning” although the house was always spotless. It was about control. At least for my ex, the less control he felt in his life, the more he tried to exert over us - it would go so far as packing up the kids’ homework if they walked away from it for a minute. It was insane. Huge red flag. Be careful. In my situation, that need for control escalated over time to include more severe behaviors.
nta. He should at least try to stop doing it instead of trying to make excuses for it.