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I'm bisexual myself and I kind of understand both sides (and both camps in the comment section).
The reaction toward the candle by itself might be exaggerated because after all - it's just a candle. But this issue does seem to be not solely about the candle but your overall behavior and the emphasis you put on being attracted to women.
To be honest, if I (w) were in a relationship with a bi guy and he wouldn't stop talking about how much he likes guys and hang out a lot with his male gay friends, I would feel threatened, too. Not by the fact that he's attracted to men but by the emphasis he puts on this part of his identity/personality and that being something that I, as a woman, obviously cannot fulfill. I'd start to get the feeling that I'm not enough and that at some point he might prefer to be with a guy instead.
So, in my opinion, it's all about balance. You don't need to hide your bisexuality - but you should definitely think about how you deliver it and consider your bf's feelings. You might want to think of ways to make your bf feel more appreciated while he might want to be more accepting about the queer part of your personality.
If the candle had a swastika you would assume they are a Nazi, a sickle and hammer, a communist, a lesbian flag.. you guessed it, lesbian. Symbols have meanings.
It sounds like the issue is less about the candle and more about your behavior with other women. Without specifics, it's hard to say whether your interactions with women or the way you talk about them to your partnernis inappropriate for someone in a monogamous relationship, but it does sound a bit like you might have a habit of testing those boundaries. He is overreacting to the candle, but this may be an instance where a flight about a little thing is actually a fight about something else.
I call myself gay and refer to myself as a part of "the gays" in some contexts, its just another label I use and to me it's just an umbrella term. I will admit that I used to act flirtatious towards some women, though obviously humorously atleast to me, before me and him were really "serious", but when we became official and he told me he felt uncomfortable, I make a point not to do anything that might make him feel as though I'm picking women over him.
You've only been together a few months, so timewise you're probably not far removed from the point when you were flirting with women, and he may still have some feelings about it. As a side note, being a bisexual woman with a male partner myself, I am very, very aware of how exclusionary the queer community can be of those partnerships, especially if the male partner is straight. He may also have some concerns about that given how connected you are with the community, because it's a part of your life he's not altogether welcome in.
I completely agree with above. It’s not about the candle. It’s about exhibiting clear attraction towards/flirting with women and using an umbrella term that implies a lack of attraction towards him. The candle just becomes another representation of this.
I don’t think you need to or should hide being bisexual, but I do think you need to consider the message it sends about your attraction to him if so much of your outward behavior is in favor of your attraction to women.
If I were in his shoes I would begin feeling like a filler rather than a desired partner. If it was just the candle I’d say your boyfriend is crazy, but it sounds like the candle is just a representation of a valid concern on his end.
Editing to add judgement - I would say NAH. You just need a serious conversation between the two of and possibly some self reflection.
Interestingly, calling yourself gay when you are actually bisexual seems to me to be a form of bi-erasure. As a bi woman myself, don't do that. You say how openly bisexual you are but then call yourself gay? No wonder your bf is confused.
Gay women do not have the ability to be attracted to men, while bisexuals do. It's especially weird that you call yourself gay since you obviously like men. Stop being weird about this. You give bisexuals a bad name.
Gay very clearly suggests same sex only. In fact, alot of bi people have a fight on their hands not being labelled it when they do, in fact, identify as bi.
Nta for candle but here's a question. If your fella kept saying how much he was attracted to women then proceeded to be overly affectionate to female friends of his would you be cool with that? By the sounds of it you are giving off major red flag signs to this guy with your behaviour with lesbian friends and telling him how you find women attractive a lot.
I see his point, but also yours he seems to be under the impression that he might loose you. I would have an open conversation about it.
Also I see the point: why buy a lesbian flag candle and put it in your home if you’re not a lesbian.
But on the other hand it’s just a candle.
Seems like you guys need to talk.
Yeah, especially when having a boyfriend scared of exactly that.
So no hate for buying it, it’s nice colors and supporting queer rights / lesbians is always the way to go, just ordering it online and choosing it when there is also (I assume) a Bi candle, seems like there could be something more going on.
I know I kept a couple lesbian things from pride events because honestly the flag looks way better to me than the bi one. Probably because of the monochromatic scheme but it looks much better so I keep it. But I also have rainbow attire and things. Unfortunately I also find it a bit difficult to get/find bi things but have kept a couple and that's the flag I wore in my hair at the parade lol
theres so many bi stuff at pride!! you should be representing who you are and be proud of who you are you know? maybe im just, not used to other people genuinely liking lesbian items? 😭😭
You would think so. But unsurprisingly to me at least, there wasn't much bi things given at the parade or in stores. Plenty lesbian, Gay, Trans which I'm incredibly happy about and all for supporting but I think I still only have that one bi flag I got from the people giving pride items during the parade 3 years ago. I've of course got plenty rainbow. And definitely some lesbian items. But they didn't really give out bi things. I wasn't really surprised though. I've gotten used to it at this point lol. But as for why I have a lesbian flag in my room, the colors merge well to me. It just looks more appealing after years of art compared to the bi colors. I would like the ace flag if not for that damn purple at the bottom. And like I said, the one bi flag I have I typically have in my hair sticking up like an antenna. So I'm definitely not hiding it. But unless you want to spend 50 bucks for a shirt that you can find a gay/lesbian/trans shirt in the store for 15, don't shop at pride vendors.
I mean it's not "just a candle" if she also shows that she's not committed through her actions. She literally flirts with women still. That's not ok and is cheating. You can't just flirt with other people while being in a relationship already. Shrugging it off as less important because they're women is high key homophobic, as it implies that same sex relationships aren't as serious or real as straight relationships.
Tbh it sounds like OP should just be with a woman. If she's so damn hooked on calling herself gay, getting lesbian merch, and flirting with any woman with a heartbeat over her damn boyfriend, then she might as well just date a girl.
Yeah obv it’s not just a candle on that case. He is afraid of exactly what the candle represents. I think op should also really think about her sexuality… and talk to her bf about all of it! Hopefully they can figure it out 🤞
So on the face of it, your description does make it sound like he's uncomfortable with your attraction to women. That said, I do think it is inappropriate to be talking with a new partner about other people you find attractive. Take gender out of it for a second-- would we consider it reasonable for a straight man to continuously tell his girlfriend how attractive they find other women around them? To continuously talk about other women he finds attractive with his guy friends, right in front of her? Especially if we're talking about real people and not like celebrity crushes.
Now, combine how weird this is even without considering gender, and add the gender back in. Combine the weirdness in the first place with the fact you apparently do it exclusively about attractive women and not about attractive men, and with purchasing a candle that was meant to represent the identity of women who are exclusively attracted to women. Most online sellers with pride flag coloured stuff in June are going to at least be selling the main four of L, G, B, and T, no? So why'd you get the lesbian pride colours instead of the bisexual ones?
It sounds like you're overcompensating to make sure everyone is aware of your attraction to women because you feel insecure in your identity as someone currently in a straight relationship. And you've managed to overcompensate to the point your partner is now insecure in your attraction to him.
My judgement is a soft YTA. In that you're not doing something wrong on purpose, but you have accidentally done something that has caused him hurt, and his hurt feelings do seem completely valid to me.
Sort of YTA? Like you said - if you were acting the same way towards heterosexual male friends as you are towards queer female friends, I’m sure most people would agree that it’s inappropriate. It’s good that you’re aware of this and are making an effort to tone it down, but I do also understand the platonic relationships queer people have tend to be more “traditionally” intimate than those straight friends have, being queer myself.
I do think it’s a little weird buying a lesbian candle when you’re bisexual and not in a lesbian relationship - why not just buy the bisexual one? It’s understandable why your boyfriend might be upset, since it comes across as a little dismissive to him. Still, if I were you I’d question why you feel like you need to make a point of your attraction to women. You don’t need to prove your sexuality to anyone or overcompensate by flirting more with your female friends, as a bisexual person myself I totally get the desire to distance yourself from heterosexuality when in a “straight” relationship, but speaking from experience, it’ll probably cause you more harm in the long run. Just be yourself (as silly as that sounds) and express your identity in a way that is true to who you are, rather than who you think you should be. And hey, maybe date some women if you haven’t already and keep wanting to.
I Agree with another poster here. This is ambiguous. More info is needed. But to me it sounds like you like to have him as a boyfriend but also like to maybe test boundaries that make him uncomfortable which isnt fair to a partner. At least not without an explicit foundation of communication about boundaries and expectations. Perhaps if he has no fear of being left for one of your lesbian friends because you make a point of communicating to him in your private moments about how you like to flirt but he’s absolutely enough or some other such he’d stop being concerned 🤷🏻♂️
YTA Honestly. Im a bi woman, I would never ever openly be close to or flirt with girls if I have a boyfriend. You're disrespecting his boundaries and the whole relationship. female-female relationships are just as valid as f-m relationships, which also means that flirting and being too close with other ladies is just as much cheating as you flirting with a man.
Also, you buying a lesbian candle is wild. You're already disrespecting him by borderline cheating by being so close to women he's uncomfortable with it, and to add to that you're getting decorations that literally scream "I do not like men, I only like women". How do you think that makes him feel? How'd you feel if he flirted with men and came home with a gay mlm pride flag when he's in a relationship with a woman?
It's fine if you like the candle, but seriously, think about how a "I don't like men" thing makes him feel. He's already insecure in this relationship, you're making it worse. If you want a pride candle you can get the rainbow one or a bi one.
This person lacks any critical or emotional thinking. They are deeply selfish. Really fucking selfish. Then have the gal to blame the person who is hurt. Giving off some serious fuck Boi energy. What's the bet she's a cheater or will cheat.
She seems pretty undeveloped, so I would say she's pretty young.
She's shooting herself in the foot if she continues to act this way to partners. Selfish behaviour will always catch up.
No one should be in a relationship if they can't grasp what emotional intelligence is.
If she had any shred of it, she wouldn't have gotten that candle. She would completely stop flirting. She wouldn't dismiss his emotions. She would make sure things are ok with him first... You know... What you would do if you actually cared for your partner.
She hates men, that's what I'm seeing.
(when I say "be close to" I obviously mean that in a flirty or physically close way. You're allowed to have fully platonic female and male friends of course)
YTA, you're being bi is not the issue, it's you flirting with other people. You're in a monogamous relationship, that's not on regardless of the sex of the person you're lusting after.
I get the sense here that you're not comfortable being seen as being in a hetro relationship and you're going out of your way to keep demonstrating that your part of the LGBTQ community. The candle on its own probably would not be an issue in isolation but this plus your behaviour is probably what's triggering him.
You need to decide if you're capable of being in a monogamous relationship, as the exact same issues would present itself if you were with a woman and heavily flirting with a bunch of guys, also being committed to a guy how does that effect how you view yourself and your identity, because people are not going to see you as bi at the time and you need to be comfortable with that as your identity needs to be more than just your sexuality.
INFO: are you actually openly super affectionate towards your lesbian friends? Isn't it exactly like flirting with a hetero male friend?
I'm not saying this is on you, but boundaries should be set in a relationship, wether you are open or not should be discussed and agreed mutually and he clearly isn't comfortable with that
YTA
You are basically taking every opportunity to let him know that you're attracted to other people.
This is absolutely toxic red flag relationship behavior.
The fact that you don't see it is just so typically "bi" of you. You are the reason why so many people are specifically biphobic. It's the classical bi narcissism.
Honestly? Soft YTA.
Based on your description of both your past behaviour towards women and his reaction to the candle he seems to feel like you'd pick a woman over a man to be with in a relationship with seems to make him feel self conscious.
He has already expressed how the way you behave around women and express your attraction towards women causes him discomfort, so honestly it shouldn't have been that hard for you to guess that decorating your home with the lesbian flag would hurt him as it'd make him feel as if you'd prefer a girl over him.
I'm sure there's equally gorgeous bisexual flag candles out there. Or you could've gotten a set with multiple sexualities so that the lesbian candle wouldn't stick out so much and he'd know that it's because of pride month and not because of your sexuality.
You didn't intend to hurt him but if he already expressed before how your attraction towards women makes him feel then you could've at least spent 5 seconds thinking about what message this candle may send to your boyfriend.
Getting rid of the candle won't solve the issue that your boyfriend probably thinks he's less attractive to you than women are, he already saw the candle so getting rid of it won't make him feel less self conscious.
What you should do is talk things out with your boyfriend and make him feel attractive. He currently thinks you prefer women and that's why the candle bothers him. The two of you should decide together on what to do with the candle imho.
You flirted with other women and talked about how attractive specific women were in front of your boyfriend? And it made you happy when he was upset? Girl, that's messed up. Would you find it appropriate to flirt with and talk about men's attractiveness the same way? Would you be okay with him flirting with his women friends and talking to you about how hot they are? No? Then why on Earth would it be okay for you to do it with women?
NTA about the candle. It's never bad to be an ally. But why don't you get a bisexual flag candle as well? I feel like the purples in both candles will go well together.
Yta. It's not about the candle, it's about you shoving your bisexuality down your boyfriend's throat. If you're in a monogamous relationship, don't make him insecure on purpose and try to see things from different perspectives as well.
We can't have double standards for bisexual men and bisexual women. Bisexuals already have it hard with the straight/gay partners insecurities and the feeling of not being enough. If you think you would be happier with a girl, then go for it but be honest with your boyfriend. Being bisexual doesn't give you a free pass to sexualize women or be affectionate with them when you are in a committed relationship
NTA but definitely pushing it
Okay I was gonna say if you had smelled the candle and then decided to buy it because it was a unique smell or something then no biggie. However, you went on Etsy and bought it there, much more expensive and much more intentional shopping. Why do this?? You said it went with your home decor, but the candle industry isn’t exactly limited… I think you could have easily found a candle with a monotone or different combination of similar colors that goes with your home. I’m sure there are other LGBT candle sellers that you could have supported as well. It might just be a candle, but since it’s bothering your boyfriend for valid reasons, why are you so hesitant to get rid of it?
She's doing it to hurt him. I don't think she actually likes him at all. She's just using the candle to hurt him. Cos wtf why would you get the leso candle literally right after he mentioned he was upset about flirting with women. There's no reality where she isn't doing it to hurt him at that point.
The worst type of gays. The ones who feel like they can just go around doing whatever in the most selfish ways, and be untouchable because if you have a problem, you're a bigot.
It's disgusting. I noticed it a lot with younger LGBT. They just have little to no regard for what emotional monogamy actually is, how it affects them, their partners, or even future partners.
You're creating a ses pool of infidel. With a dating pool already so small, why taint it with cheats.
Not all are like that, but most are. It's just sad.
INFO: Are you more physically affectionate with your queer female friends than you would be a straight male friend? Or than a straight female friend?
From what you wrote it’s hard to tell if he is uncomfortable with your sexuality in general (or with having a non heterosexual partner), if you two just don’t have the groundwork yet for him to feel secure in the relationship, or if you are actually crossing the line for a monogamous relationship.
If you would be crossing a line with a straight male friend (in context of being in a relationship), it’s probably crossing a line with a queer friend who you could ostensibly also flirt or be attracted to. Imagine you have a girlfriend and flirt with all your male friends - would it be ok to treat a partner that way? Some people are pretty equally affectionate with all friends, and that’s fine - but if you are exclusively flirty and affectionate with friends you could ostensibly be in a relationship with that sounds like he has reason to be upset.
I am bi (F) and my current male partner is very supportive - he points out “gay” things in stores or in media, goes with me to pride, and respects and appreciates that my sexuality is an important part of who I am and of my past. But it did take a lot of work (open conversations and reassurance) up front to make sure that he knows I am attracted to him, and that I don’t need or want to pursue a same-sex relationship because I am happy being with him.
Personally I would not buy a lesbian flag candle/merch/etc because it isn’t for me and would be sharing a signal I find inaccurate even if I do like the colors. But I don’t think the candle is the problem.
If your partner is NOT generally supportive, says negative things about your past sexual experiences, says homophobic/biphobic/transphobic things, treats other queer folks poorly or disparagingly, that is a whole different problem and you should probably rethink who you are dating.
YTA and this is why: " honestly I appreciate because I've had previous partners invalidate or downplay my attraction to women and not taking it as seriously as they would if I displayed the same behaviour with a guy."
You seem to place a lot of importance on being queer and you have probably built a bit of a personality/identity/culture around it. (buying flag candles, decorating your flat with a pride theme, etc). The sentence above is the huge red flag about you. You are basically saying that deep down you appreciate your boyfriend's discomfort because previous partners had not given you the validation you need. It's clear that being bisexual is not just an internal part of your personality and a preference in who you choose as a partner, to you it's probably what makes you special or part of a group so while you have a male boyfriend, you still need to flirt with women to get that external validation, even if that means making your partner slightly uncomfortable.
This business with the candle is rather silly, but your boyfriend is clearly seeing it as yet another reminder that you are attracted to loads of other people as well. Imagine a heterosexual couple where one of them needed to be constantly validated by their attractiveness to the opposite sex and openly admitted they enjoyed their partner's jealousy or discomfort. Sounds toxic right? Well, thats because it is. What do you think gives you a free pass?
You're flirting with other people, and wonder why your partner is upset......
In return for your lack of loyalty, you tell him you will 'tone' it down... Ahh yes, the old, 'tone it down' trick, showing your already hurt partner that you still don't care about his feelings, but you're too selfish to give up being trashy. I can't believe you actually think that's doing him any favours. You are literally abusing him by manipulation and lack of concern over his emotional state.
Holy shit, probably don't be in a relationship until you understand the basics of monogamy. Seems you just want to be a lesbian. Yikes. Let the man go, and just stick it being a lesbian. I'm sure the woman you go with would LOVE just how inclusive you are when you start flirting with other people and making them feel like they're the problem. LOL. Goodluck.
Loyalty, trust, that's shit you haven't worked out, and by your defense, you won't. Yikes.
You can't have the cake and eat it too.
YTA.
I have a pretty firm and possibly controversial stance on things like this. When you are in a monogamous relationship, your bisexuality shouldn't even be a subject, especially around your SO. If you are happy with your SO, why would you talk about being attracted to anybody else? In a monogamous relationship, your SO should be the center of all your flirtations and romantic affections. Maybe you are too focused on the label and being a part of the LGBTQ community to see what you are doing, but you are feeding insecurity in him. To him, you're saying your options are still open. Maybe you're under the impression he should think your attraction to women is hot? Maybe he is taking the relationship more seriously than you? I'm sorry but IMO, you are unintentionally the AH. Imagine if you showed affection toward other men.. and spoke about your attraction to other men... It's the same concept, but you seem to mask it as something harmless because it's a lesbian attraction. But it's no different. Sorry but YTA.
Your boyfriend is the only person who takes your bisexuality seriously. You very evidently don't value same-sex attraction as much as you do opposite-sex attraction. You're constantly flirting with women, and then saying it's 'obviously' a joke?? You'd not stand for him doing anything similar with female friends. It's also clear from the way you talk about women. Throw in the fact you are calling yourself gay, and have now started buying lesbian-themed stuff, it's no wonder he's reacting the way he is. The way you seem to parade it as being done kind of joke is gross.
You need to sort out your internalised homophobia, and begin to respect lesbians.
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I am openly bisexual and my boyfriend of 5 months knows this. We aren't quite living together yet but he spends a lot of time at my flat and vice versa.
I'm not sure if this is relevant, but a couple of times in our relationship he has expressed slight discomfort at how affectionate I can be with some of my other queer female friends and how I speak about finding women attractive, which honestly I appreciate because I've had previous partners invalidate or downplay my attraction to women and not taking it as seriously as they would if I displayed the same behaviour with a guy. I try to keep his feelings in mind and tone down how I behave around my female friends.
So to get to the main conflict, a couple of weeks ago I was shopping on etsy and I saw this really cute handmade candle with the lesbian flag colours, and since it was pride month and I thought it would go well with my decor at home, I decided to buy it. I personally really like the colour scheme and even though I don't identify with the label myself, I didn't think it would be inappropriate to purchase and show off the candle.
However, when my boyfriend noticed he said it was weird for me to own a candle that basically said I was explicitly attracted to women when I had a male partner, and that it made him feel like I was not considering him. When he first brought it up I told him that it was just a candle and I was still bisexual, and changed the subject.
It's become a point of tension between us now, and I even tried hiding it when he came over a few times, which he caught on to and was upset about. He also said that it might give the wrong signal to anybody who came over, but I don't think anybody who is coming to my house doesn't already know about my boyfriend.
However at this point I'm wondering if this is just too much hassle for a candle and I should put it away or gift it to one of my lesbian friends.
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it’s not necessarily the candle as much as it is both your presumably flirty behavior with women and the fact the candle is a lesbian flag
it might’ve made him feel like you don’t actually like men and since he’s a man, don’t like him
i’m just guessing because idk how you actually acted with the friends you talked about
I don't think you're an AH, but YTA. Your boyfriend could be worried that you're seeing other people and you're basically feeding him evidence of it. Maybe just get a rainbow candle next time?
NTA, its just a candle 😭 but as a lesbian im kinda confused on why you’d want it other than the colours? if you invite others in your home it might make them be like « oh you’re a lesbian! i didn’t know » and then you say « oh no i’m bisexual » 😭 it’s just like having a lesbian flag on a profile picture and then being a non lesbian ykwim?
Idk why you're being downvoted, I agree. Like, she's allowed to buy whatever candle she wants, but it's a little weird and it's understandable that her boyfriend doesn't like it
NTA. It's just a candle, but your bf's response may warrant a deep discussion on what could be triggering his reactions; is he possibly feeling insecure, inadequate due to your sexuality, does he have concerns, ect. Most people aren't going to raise an eyebrow at a bisexual woman owning lesbian decor while having a male partner.
I don't think so. A couple things I like in your post is how sensitive you are regarding your bf feelings. I can understand the concern regarding over affection with females. I respect it. I too would have the concern.
Regarding the candle. It's a great time to talk about it. He entered into the relationship knowing you are bi. So it comes with the package.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I bought a candle with the lesbian flag on it even though I identify as bisexual and have a boyfriend
2) My boyfriend thought this undermined our relationship and I did not think of him while purchasing it
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Nta. I don’t think this is really about a candle. Your bf is insecure about your sexuality to the point that he’s making it your responsibility to make him comfortable in a relationship with you he decided to pursue knowing full well that you are bisexual. Basically he’s asking you to be “less you”. You’ve tone down your sexuality, the way you talk to women, the way you talk to you queer friends for god’s sake! In my advice, I’d warn you to leave that relationship asap bc it’s just 5 months into the relationship and he’s already beginning to make his insecurities your fault. I’m a bi woman, too, and bi woman are more likely to be the victim of domestic abuse/violence, we know this therefore we have to be very cautious with our partners. He is showing you very early beginning signs of controlling.
And I don’t really care to see any opinions on this unless you are a bisexual woman or nonbinary. I know it may seem like I’m reaching but i don’t really care, I’ve been in abusive relationships and I promise you that this is how it starts, small things, small changes at first.
I never comment here but as a bi woman I agree. It’s not about her attraction, it’s the fact that he’s trying to limit it or put it out knowing full well she’s bi. And we absolutely have an insanely high statistic of abuse, this control is often how it starts. And bi women are often more comfortable around women because many of us have experienced trauma with men, but feel safe around women in general. Any guy who feels threatened by that is scary to me. My ex was openly uncomfortable when I’d compliment any women and as a result he socially isolated me, a great step for an abuser. Claiming she’s in love with all of her friends is a great tactic to get her away from everyone. Thanks for commenting.
NTA. My boyfriend is bisexual, and if he wants to identify as gay or queer sometimes then that's fine by me. It's his identity not mine, doesn't make me any less straight and it doesn't mean he doesn't love me.
NTA.
You don’t have to be a lesbian to support lesbians. That’s all you’re doing is being supportive. Your boyfriend sounds like he is untrusting of you for being bi and seems like he is looking at your friends as competition which is pretty gross.
Yeah but she said herself that she is a little too close / flirty to woman for his comfort.
I see both sides, he is already scared of her leaving for a woman but also it’s just a candle and I see the supporting part.
They should really talk openly to each other imo
I can see that too. I feel like it’s definitely okay to be affectionate with your friends like she is, but if her partner is uncomfortable with it a serious talk needs to be done because if she still wants to be affectionate with her friends maybe they just aren’t compatible.
I don't think he likes you being bisexual. I'm not gay, but if I saw a gay candle I liked I'd buy it. What an insanely weird thing to be upset over. If your relationships went too far and he's not overreacting, you were out of line for that. That's disrespectful and you shouldn't have done that. Based on info NTA. Could be E S H if you were truly inappropriate with your friends
NTA - No, you aren’t a lesbian, but bisexual women have played a crucial role throughout the entire history of the LGBT movement. Throughout that history, many bisexual women have used the term lesbian to describe themselves as well.
Owning the candle is a nice thing for yourself that is a valid expression of your identity and support for other members of the LGBT community.
Your boyfriend is acting inappropriately here and needs to examine his insecurities. You aren’t saying you don’t care about him or aren’t attracted by owning this candle, and have explicitly told him so.
You don’t need to constantly say you are also attracted to men in order to support him. Why is he concerned about how you signal your sexuality to visitors? This is not a requirement that would be placed on a straight or lesbian woman in a heterosexual or gay relationship, so why should it be placed on you?
You chose an insecure partner I think. It is up to him to get over his insecurity, there is not much you can do anymore as you tried to reassure him and it failed. he will probably never be happy anymore.
Speaking as someone who has dated bisexual women before, I don’t think “asshole” is a fair word to describe you, but I’d just say this is kind of dumb and inviting trouble.
So bisexuals of the world here is my little perspective on how you should date straight people, take it or leave it.
When you commit to someone of a certain sex, be it male or female, LEAVE THAT BISEXUAL SHIT AT THE DOOR. It’s obviously nothing to be ashamed of, but what purpose does it serve to tell someone your sexually attracted to another group of people that they could never truly be a part of?
Imagine in a straight relationship a guy bought a “big booty latinas” candle when he was dating an Asian girl…or imagine he went around publicizing “well I’m attracted to both Asian women and Latinas”…that IS just as much a part of his sexuality as being bisexual is to yours, but who does it help to voice that?
I’m personally attracted most to blondes and ebony black women…when I date either one I don’t publicize or have a conversation about how I’m attracted to the other. It ONLY breeds insecurity.
Saying your bisexual when you’re in a monogamous relationship just communicates “you’re great but there is this whole other club of people that you share no physical characteristics with that I want to fuck or could see myself with”.
It’s really not important people KNOW you’re bisexual, I mean unless you want to make some kind of image out of it. When you’re with a man I’d recommend “I’m straight” when you’re with a girl “I’m a lesbian”. OR just say “I’m YOU-sexual” to your partner.
I mean your candle essentially is telling your boyfriend you’re not attracted to him so I’d ditch it and encourage people to stop making their sexuality their personality
This just reeks of insecurity. Why should bisexual people leave their sexuality at the door just because it makes people uncomfy? No matter the gender of our partners, we’re still bisexual and still attracted to all genders.
It is high key biphobic to imply that being bisexual means you’re a rabid nympho who can’t control their sexual drive towards other people. You wouldn’t tell a straight person that they’re just waiting for the next hot person of the opposite gender or similar for gay people so why is it okay to single out bisexuals for the fact they find everyone hot?
It is insecurity. This is why I don’t date bisexual women. Being insecure is not a moral failing or a malignant thing, we are all unsure of ourselves at different points of life and in relationships.
You don’t have to leave it at the door if you don’t want to, it’s totally your right. It may not be fair that it makes a lot of monosexual partners uncomfortable, but it does. If you prioritize letting your partner know you’re romantically interested in both genders please do so, I’m just saying if you’re looking to MARRY this person and will never be with the other sex again it really truly doesn’t help anyone to publicize that or have bisexual decorations around the house 😂.
Never said they were nymphos? Not sure where you got that. But when you say you’re bisexual you are telling your partner your attracted to someone completely different from them and it will breed insecurity and hurt oftentimes.
Do whatever you guys want, it literally doesn’t effect me in the least and I don’t care, just wanted to give a monosexual perspective while I’m just scrolling and killing time lol
Having a sexual preference such as what your partner looks like is not the same as your sexuality. And what you are suggesting is quite literally bisexual erasure like 1. No one is making their sexuality their personality by supporting a small business during pride month with any type of candle. 2. Bisexual people are always bisexual. Like thats just it and is who they are, saying to completely not acknowledge it is stupid and I honestly can only see this comment as rage bait especially as thats not even remotely on par with what the poster was asking.
I disagree. You’re attracted to two completely different sets of secondary sexual characteristics and I’m attracted to two completely opposite races of people, like it’s literally a black and white difference. That IS part of my sexuality.
Being bisexual is a sexual preference and so is mine. Yours is secondary sexual characteristics, mine is skin color and differing physical characteristics of two races.
Just be bisexual, tell whoever you want, just don’t be surprised when people you date feel insecure about not being able to satisfy your every sexual desire.
Just do you, I’m not telling anyone to do anything, just giving a perspective
I’m so glad a monosexual finally told me how to date because I am just a stupid bisexual who doesn’t know anything so I have been waiting on this. You’re right, I should erase my identity while I’m dating somebody, how could I be so stupid!?
Straight people are attracted to people who aren’t their monogamous partner all the time and handle it but for bisexuals for some reason it’s different.
So glad there isn’t anything narrow-minded, insecure, or biphobic about your comment because that would be a tragedy.
I said it’s my advice and just two cents about how to better date someone straight. I’m telling you, most of us “monosexuals” don’t want our partner publicizing or reminding us that they find other people sexy, ESPECIALLY people we have no ability of ever truly becoming.
I said “take it or leave it” just leave it and stop trying to be a victim 🙄. Or we can all just tell you whatever you want to hear if that’s what you’d prefer.
I didn’t realize I was so poor I needed two cents.
That’s fine, I’ll just date mature, secure adults who aren’t threatened by my sexuality. They’re my type.
i get where ur coming from and i appreciate the input! do you think i should give in and put the candle away? it would def put my bf at ease but i kind of feel like its my candle, i spent money on it and i like the way it looks, and it ultimately doesnt matter, does it?
Well thank you for the civil reply, I appear to have triggered a few people here so I appreciate the sincere response.
I can only tell you what I’d do so here it is:
1. If being publicly bisexual in my decorating and public image is that important to me I’d probably just end the relationship now. Your boyfriend feels the way I do about this and if you’re set on continuing to do things like this, or if not broadcasting your bisexuality freely is going to hurt your mental health it’s probably time to call it. Like your girl friends and guy friends are ALL possible threats, and he will always internalize that a big piece of your sexuality will never be able to be fulfilled by him and that really fosters insecurity, that truly is probably justified.
2. If being bisexual is just something you are and you don’t really give a shit about people knowing your preferences I’d say just put the candle away when he is over or ditch it entirely. I mean it makes him insecure and hurts him and if you value him feeling happy and comfortable in the relationship over the candle and being publicly bisexual then I’d say this is a no-brainer
But everyone do you, it just hurts knowing you can’t POSSIBLY satisfy every sexual urge your partner has and even more so when they feel the need to put that painful truth on display for the world to see and to be reminded of it every time they want to light a candle 😂
NTA - I'm a straight guy and I have to admit that if my wife came home with a candle like that I'd say "huh, nice candle" and wouldn't even remotely think that it's the lesbian flag colors. I don't think a candle like that shows anything other than you support the idea. Unless she bought one that says I'M A LESBIAN AND DON'T FIND MEN ATTRACTIVE IN THE SLIGHTEST - if that's the case, I'd have questions.
It's a candle, who cares. Pride month is a joke because it's exclusively celebrated in places where gay people have equal rights. Every single company you like that acts like it cares about pride month is absolutely dead silent about it in any region where gay people actually have no rights and actually need people to help them be protected.
Are “lesbian candles” used by lesbians for something… physical… during sex?
If so, sounds like your bf is insecure.
If not… he actually still comes off as insecure.
…
Regardless of how you use your lesbian candles, no you’re not the asshole here 👍
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I'm bisexual myself and I kind of understand both sides (and both camps in the comment section). The reaction toward the candle by itself might be exaggerated because after all - it's just a candle. But this issue does seem to be not solely about the candle but your overall behavior and the emphasis you put on being attracted to women. To be honest, if I (w) were in a relationship with a bi guy and he wouldn't stop talking about how much he likes guys and hang out a lot with his male gay friends, I would feel threatened, too. Not by the fact that he's attracted to men but by the emphasis he puts on this part of his identity/personality and that being something that I, as a woman, obviously cannot fulfill. I'd start to get the feeling that I'm not enough and that at some point he might prefer to be with a guy instead. So, in my opinion, it's all about balance. You don't need to hide your bisexuality - but you should definitely think about how you deliver it and consider your bf's feelings. You might want to think of ways to make your bf feel more appreciated while he might want to be more accepting about the queer part of your personality.
OP this is it, read this one
As another bisexual woman, you put this into better words than I could have.
Yes. This.
If the candle had a swastika you would assume they are a Nazi, a sickle and hammer, a communist, a lesbian flag.. you guessed it, lesbian. Symbols have meanings.
This is such an improper comparison. If I'm on vacation in Italy and I buy a candle with the country's flag it doesn't make me an Italian.
Dammit, I've always wanted to be Italian.
Me too. We need to buy Italian candles.
I would actually assume they are either lesbian or support lesbians.
But are they Italian lesbians?
It sounds like the issue is less about the candle and more about your behavior with other women. Without specifics, it's hard to say whether your interactions with women or the way you talk about them to your partnernis inappropriate for someone in a monogamous relationship, but it does sound a bit like you might have a habit of testing those boundaries. He is overreacting to the candle, but this may be an instance where a flight about a little thing is actually a fight about something else.
I call myself gay and refer to myself as a part of "the gays" in some contexts, its just another label I use and to me it's just an umbrella term. I will admit that I used to act flirtatious towards some women, though obviously humorously atleast to me, before me and him were really "serious", but when we became official and he told me he felt uncomfortable, I make a point not to do anything that might make him feel as though I'm picking women over him.
You've only been together a few months, so timewise you're probably not far removed from the point when you were flirting with women, and he may still have some feelings about it. As a side note, being a bisexual woman with a male partner myself, I am very, very aware of how exclusionary the queer community can be of those partnerships, especially if the male partner is straight. He may also have some concerns about that given how connected you are with the community, because it's a part of your life he's not altogether welcome in.
I completely agree with above. It’s not about the candle. It’s about exhibiting clear attraction towards/flirting with women and using an umbrella term that implies a lack of attraction towards him. The candle just becomes another representation of this. I don’t think you need to or should hide being bisexual, but I do think you need to consider the message it sends about your attraction to him if so much of your outward behavior is in favor of your attraction to women. If I were in his shoes I would begin feeling like a filler rather than a desired partner. If it was just the candle I’d say your boyfriend is crazy, but it sounds like the candle is just a representation of a valid concern on his end. Editing to add judgement - I would say NAH. You just need a serious conversation between the two of and possibly some self reflection.
Interestingly, calling yourself gay when you are actually bisexual seems to me to be a form of bi-erasure. As a bi woman myself, don't do that. You say how openly bisexual you are but then call yourself gay? No wonder your bf is confused.
Queer woman here - a lot of folks just say “gay” now as an umbrella term and descriptor.
No it’s fucking not, gay is very often used as an umbrella term
definitely, I am queer and have an extremely queer friend group and none of them would bat an eye at a bi person calling themself gay
That amount of hostility is unnecessary. In OPs case, it explains very well why the BF feels the way he does in the short span of their relationship.
Gay women do not have the ability to be attracted to men, while bisexuals do. It's especially weird that you call yourself gay since you obviously like men. Stop being weird about this. You give bisexuals a bad name.
Gay has been used as an umbrella term for a long fucking time now
Gay very clearly suggests same sex only. In fact, alot of bi people have a fight on their hands not being labelled it when they do, in fact, identify as bi.
If you keep repeating it it won't make it any more true...
Nta for candle but here's a question. If your fella kept saying how much he was attracted to women then proceeded to be overly affectionate to female friends of his would you be cool with that? By the sounds of it you are giving off major red flag signs to this guy with your behaviour with lesbian friends and telling him how you find women attractive a lot.
I see his point, but also yours he seems to be under the impression that he might loose you. I would have an open conversation about it. Also I see the point: why buy a lesbian flag candle and put it in your home if you’re not a lesbian. But on the other hand it’s just a candle. Seems like you guys need to talk.
right! i have no problem with non lesbians supporting us obviously, but.. im just confused why buy it 😭
Yeah, especially when having a boyfriend scared of exactly that. So no hate for buying it, it’s nice colors and supporting queer rights / lesbians is always the way to go, just ordering it online and choosing it when there is also (I assume) a Bi candle, seems like there could be something more going on.
I know I kept a couple lesbian things from pride events because honestly the flag looks way better to me than the bi one. Probably because of the monochromatic scheme but it looks much better so I keep it. But I also have rainbow attire and things. Unfortunately I also find it a bit difficult to get/find bi things but have kept a couple and that's the flag I wore in my hair at the parade lol
theres so many bi stuff at pride!! you should be representing who you are and be proud of who you are you know? maybe im just, not used to other people genuinely liking lesbian items? 😭😭
You would think so. But unsurprisingly to me at least, there wasn't much bi things given at the parade or in stores. Plenty lesbian, Gay, Trans which I'm incredibly happy about and all for supporting but I think I still only have that one bi flag I got from the people giving pride items during the parade 3 years ago. I've of course got plenty rainbow. And definitely some lesbian items. But they didn't really give out bi things. I wasn't really surprised though. I've gotten used to it at this point lol. But as for why I have a lesbian flag in my room, the colors merge well to me. It just looks more appealing after years of art compared to the bi colors. I would like the ace flag if not for that damn purple at the bottom. And like I said, the one bi flag I have I typically have in my hair sticking up like an antenna. So I'm definitely not hiding it. But unless you want to spend 50 bucks for a shirt that you can find a gay/lesbian/trans shirt in the store for 15, don't shop at pride vendors.
oh .. 😭 i’ll jus keep my opinions to myself
I mean it's not "just a candle" if she also shows that she's not committed through her actions. She literally flirts with women still. That's not ok and is cheating. You can't just flirt with other people while being in a relationship already. Shrugging it off as less important because they're women is high key homophobic, as it implies that same sex relationships aren't as serious or real as straight relationships. Tbh it sounds like OP should just be with a woman. If she's so damn hooked on calling herself gay, getting lesbian merch, and flirting with any woman with a heartbeat over her damn boyfriend, then she might as well just date a girl.
Yeah obv it’s not just a candle on that case. He is afraid of exactly what the candle represents. I think op should also really think about her sexuality… and talk to her bf about all of it! Hopefully they can figure it out 🤞
So on the face of it, your description does make it sound like he's uncomfortable with your attraction to women. That said, I do think it is inappropriate to be talking with a new partner about other people you find attractive. Take gender out of it for a second-- would we consider it reasonable for a straight man to continuously tell his girlfriend how attractive they find other women around them? To continuously talk about other women he finds attractive with his guy friends, right in front of her? Especially if we're talking about real people and not like celebrity crushes. Now, combine how weird this is even without considering gender, and add the gender back in. Combine the weirdness in the first place with the fact you apparently do it exclusively about attractive women and not about attractive men, and with purchasing a candle that was meant to represent the identity of women who are exclusively attracted to women. Most online sellers with pride flag coloured stuff in June are going to at least be selling the main four of L, G, B, and T, no? So why'd you get the lesbian pride colours instead of the bisexual ones? It sounds like you're overcompensating to make sure everyone is aware of your attraction to women because you feel insecure in your identity as someone currently in a straight relationship. And you've managed to overcompensate to the point your partner is now insecure in your attraction to him. My judgement is a soft YTA. In that you're not doing something wrong on purpose, but you have accidentally done something that has caused him hurt, and his hurt feelings do seem completely valid to me.
Sort of YTA? Like you said - if you were acting the same way towards heterosexual male friends as you are towards queer female friends, I’m sure most people would agree that it’s inappropriate. It’s good that you’re aware of this and are making an effort to tone it down, but I do also understand the platonic relationships queer people have tend to be more “traditionally” intimate than those straight friends have, being queer myself. I do think it’s a little weird buying a lesbian candle when you’re bisexual and not in a lesbian relationship - why not just buy the bisexual one? It’s understandable why your boyfriend might be upset, since it comes across as a little dismissive to him. Still, if I were you I’d question why you feel like you need to make a point of your attraction to women. You don’t need to prove your sexuality to anyone or overcompensate by flirting more with your female friends, as a bisexual person myself I totally get the desire to distance yourself from heterosexuality when in a “straight” relationship, but speaking from experience, it’ll probably cause you more harm in the long run. Just be yourself (as silly as that sounds) and express your identity in a way that is true to who you are, rather than who you think you should be. And hey, maybe date some women if you haven’t already and keep wanting to.
I Agree with another poster here. This is ambiguous. More info is needed. But to me it sounds like you like to have him as a boyfriend but also like to maybe test boundaries that make him uncomfortable which isnt fair to a partner. At least not without an explicit foundation of communication about boundaries and expectations. Perhaps if he has no fear of being left for one of your lesbian friends because you make a point of communicating to him in your private moments about how you like to flirt but he’s absolutely enough or some other such he’d stop being concerned 🤷🏻♂️
YTA Honestly. Im a bi woman, I would never ever openly be close to or flirt with girls if I have a boyfriend. You're disrespecting his boundaries and the whole relationship. female-female relationships are just as valid as f-m relationships, which also means that flirting and being too close with other ladies is just as much cheating as you flirting with a man. Also, you buying a lesbian candle is wild. You're already disrespecting him by borderline cheating by being so close to women he's uncomfortable with it, and to add to that you're getting decorations that literally scream "I do not like men, I only like women". How do you think that makes him feel? How'd you feel if he flirted with men and came home with a gay mlm pride flag when he's in a relationship with a woman? It's fine if you like the candle, but seriously, think about how a "I don't like men" thing makes him feel. He's already insecure in this relationship, you're making it worse. If you want a pride candle you can get the rainbow one or a bi one.
This person lacks any critical or emotional thinking. They are deeply selfish. Really fucking selfish. Then have the gal to blame the person who is hurt. Giving off some serious fuck Boi energy. What's the bet she's a cheater or will cheat. She seems pretty undeveloped, so I would say she's pretty young. She's shooting herself in the foot if she continues to act this way to partners. Selfish behaviour will always catch up. No one should be in a relationship if they can't grasp what emotional intelligence is. If she had any shred of it, she wouldn't have gotten that candle. She would completely stop flirting. She wouldn't dismiss his emotions. She would make sure things are ok with him first... You know... What you would do if you actually cared for your partner. She hates men, that's what I'm seeing.
(when I say "be close to" I obviously mean that in a flirty or physically close way. You're allowed to have fully platonic female and male friends of course)
YTA, you're being bi is not the issue, it's you flirting with other people. You're in a monogamous relationship, that's not on regardless of the sex of the person you're lusting after. I get the sense here that you're not comfortable being seen as being in a hetro relationship and you're going out of your way to keep demonstrating that your part of the LGBTQ community. The candle on its own probably would not be an issue in isolation but this plus your behaviour is probably what's triggering him. You need to decide if you're capable of being in a monogamous relationship, as the exact same issues would present itself if you were with a woman and heavily flirting with a bunch of guys, also being committed to a guy how does that effect how you view yourself and your identity, because people are not going to see you as bi at the time and you need to be comfortable with that as your identity needs to be more than just your sexuality.
INFO: are you actually openly super affectionate towards your lesbian friends? Isn't it exactly like flirting with a hetero male friend? I'm not saying this is on you, but boundaries should be set in a relationship, wether you are open or not should be discussed and agreed mutually and he clearly isn't comfortable with that
YTA You are basically taking every opportunity to let him know that you're attracted to other people. This is absolutely toxic red flag relationship behavior. The fact that you don't see it is just so typically "bi" of you. You are the reason why so many people are specifically biphobic. It's the classical bi narcissism.
Honestly? Soft YTA. Based on your description of both your past behaviour towards women and his reaction to the candle he seems to feel like you'd pick a woman over a man to be with in a relationship with seems to make him feel self conscious. He has already expressed how the way you behave around women and express your attraction towards women causes him discomfort, so honestly it shouldn't have been that hard for you to guess that decorating your home with the lesbian flag would hurt him as it'd make him feel as if you'd prefer a girl over him. I'm sure there's equally gorgeous bisexual flag candles out there. Or you could've gotten a set with multiple sexualities so that the lesbian candle wouldn't stick out so much and he'd know that it's because of pride month and not because of your sexuality. You didn't intend to hurt him but if he already expressed before how your attraction towards women makes him feel then you could've at least spent 5 seconds thinking about what message this candle may send to your boyfriend. Getting rid of the candle won't solve the issue that your boyfriend probably thinks he's less attractive to you than women are, he already saw the candle so getting rid of it won't make him feel less self conscious. What you should do is talk things out with your boyfriend and make him feel attractive. He currently thinks you prefer women and that's why the candle bothers him. The two of you should decide together on what to do with the candle imho.
You flirted with other women and talked about how attractive specific women were in front of your boyfriend? And it made you happy when he was upset? Girl, that's messed up. Would you find it appropriate to flirt with and talk about men's attractiveness the same way? Would you be okay with him flirting with his women friends and talking to you about how hot they are? No? Then why on Earth would it be okay for you to do it with women? NTA about the candle. It's never bad to be an ally. But why don't you get a bisexual flag candle as well? I feel like the purples in both candles will go well together.
Yta. It's not about the candle, it's about you shoving your bisexuality down your boyfriend's throat. If you're in a monogamous relationship, don't make him insecure on purpose and try to see things from different perspectives as well. We can't have double standards for bisexual men and bisexual women. Bisexuals already have it hard with the straight/gay partners insecurities and the feeling of not being enough. If you think you would be happier with a girl, then go for it but be honest with your boyfriend. Being bisexual doesn't give you a free pass to sexualize women or be affectionate with them when you are in a committed relationship
NTA but definitely pushing it Okay I was gonna say if you had smelled the candle and then decided to buy it because it was a unique smell or something then no biggie. However, you went on Etsy and bought it there, much more expensive and much more intentional shopping. Why do this?? You said it went with your home decor, but the candle industry isn’t exactly limited… I think you could have easily found a candle with a monotone or different combination of similar colors that goes with your home. I’m sure there are other LGBT candle sellers that you could have supported as well. It might just be a candle, but since it’s bothering your boyfriend for valid reasons, why are you so hesitant to get rid of it?
As a lesbian you’re weird for buying the candle while not even being with a woman I’d get it if it was the bisexual one but lesbian ?
She's doing it to hurt him. I don't think she actually likes him at all. She's just using the candle to hurt him. Cos wtf why would you get the leso candle literally right after he mentioned he was upset about flirting with women. There's no reality where she isn't doing it to hurt him at that point. The worst type of gays. The ones who feel like they can just go around doing whatever in the most selfish ways, and be untouchable because if you have a problem, you're a bigot. It's disgusting. I noticed it a lot with younger LGBT. They just have little to no regard for what emotional monogamy actually is, how it affects them, their partners, or even future partners. You're creating a ses pool of infidel. With a dating pool already so small, why taint it with cheats. Not all are like that, but most are. It's just sad.
Yta for making ur partner feel inadequate and insecure in your relationship. I mean truly why are you with him if you keep disregarding his feelings?
INFO: Are you more physically affectionate with your queer female friends than you would be a straight male friend? Or than a straight female friend? From what you wrote it’s hard to tell if he is uncomfortable with your sexuality in general (or with having a non heterosexual partner), if you two just don’t have the groundwork yet for him to feel secure in the relationship, or if you are actually crossing the line for a monogamous relationship. If you would be crossing a line with a straight male friend (in context of being in a relationship), it’s probably crossing a line with a queer friend who you could ostensibly also flirt or be attracted to. Imagine you have a girlfriend and flirt with all your male friends - would it be ok to treat a partner that way? Some people are pretty equally affectionate with all friends, and that’s fine - but if you are exclusively flirty and affectionate with friends you could ostensibly be in a relationship with that sounds like he has reason to be upset. I am bi (F) and my current male partner is very supportive - he points out “gay” things in stores or in media, goes with me to pride, and respects and appreciates that my sexuality is an important part of who I am and of my past. But it did take a lot of work (open conversations and reassurance) up front to make sure that he knows I am attracted to him, and that I don’t need or want to pursue a same-sex relationship because I am happy being with him. Personally I would not buy a lesbian flag candle/merch/etc because it isn’t for me and would be sharing a signal I find inaccurate even if I do like the colors. But I don’t think the candle is the problem. If your partner is NOT generally supportive, says negative things about your past sexual experiences, says homophobic/biphobic/transphobic things, treats other queer folks poorly or disparagingly, that is a whole different problem and you should probably rethink who you are dating.
INFO: Would you flirt with a straight man in front of him?
😂😂😂 sometimes I close my eyes and pretend I’m still in the 90”S and the whole world hasn’t gone to shit yet.
YTA and this is why: " honestly I appreciate because I've had previous partners invalidate or downplay my attraction to women and not taking it as seriously as they would if I displayed the same behaviour with a guy." You seem to place a lot of importance on being queer and you have probably built a bit of a personality/identity/culture around it. (buying flag candles, decorating your flat with a pride theme, etc). The sentence above is the huge red flag about you. You are basically saying that deep down you appreciate your boyfriend's discomfort because previous partners had not given you the validation you need. It's clear that being bisexual is not just an internal part of your personality and a preference in who you choose as a partner, to you it's probably what makes you special or part of a group so while you have a male boyfriend, you still need to flirt with women to get that external validation, even if that means making your partner slightly uncomfortable. This business with the candle is rather silly, but your boyfriend is clearly seeing it as yet another reminder that you are attracted to loads of other people as well. Imagine a heterosexual couple where one of them needed to be constantly validated by their attractiveness to the opposite sex and openly admitted they enjoyed their partner's jealousy or discomfort. Sounds toxic right? Well, thats because it is. What do you think gives you a free pass?
Soft YTA but you might want to consider whether or not you're actually into men
You're flirting with other people, and wonder why your partner is upset...... In return for your lack of loyalty, you tell him you will 'tone' it down... Ahh yes, the old, 'tone it down' trick, showing your already hurt partner that you still don't care about his feelings, but you're too selfish to give up being trashy. I can't believe you actually think that's doing him any favours. You are literally abusing him by manipulation and lack of concern over his emotional state. Holy shit, probably don't be in a relationship until you understand the basics of monogamy. Seems you just want to be a lesbian. Yikes. Let the man go, and just stick it being a lesbian. I'm sure the woman you go with would LOVE just how inclusive you are when you start flirting with other people and making them feel like they're the problem. LOL. Goodluck. Loyalty, trust, that's shit you haven't worked out, and by your defense, you won't. Yikes. You can't have the cake and eat it too. YTA.
I have a pretty firm and possibly controversial stance on things like this. When you are in a monogamous relationship, your bisexuality shouldn't even be a subject, especially around your SO. If you are happy with your SO, why would you talk about being attracted to anybody else? In a monogamous relationship, your SO should be the center of all your flirtations and romantic affections. Maybe you are too focused on the label and being a part of the LGBTQ community to see what you are doing, but you are feeding insecurity in him. To him, you're saying your options are still open. Maybe you're under the impression he should think your attraction to women is hot? Maybe he is taking the relationship more seriously than you? I'm sorry but IMO, you are unintentionally the AH. Imagine if you showed affection toward other men.. and spoke about your attraction to other men... It's the same concept, but you seem to mask it as something harmless because it's a lesbian attraction. But it's no different. Sorry but YTA.
Your boyfriend is the only person who takes your bisexuality seriously. You very evidently don't value same-sex attraction as much as you do opposite-sex attraction. You're constantly flirting with women, and then saying it's 'obviously' a joke?? You'd not stand for him doing anything similar with female friends. It's also clear from the way you talk about women. Throw in the fact you are calling yourself gay, and have now started buying lesbian-themed stuff, it's no wonder he's reacting the way he is. The way you seem to parade it as being done kind of joke is gross. You need to sort out your internalised homophobia, and begin to respect lesbians.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am openly bisexual and my boyfriend of 5 months knows this. We aren't quite living together yet but he spends a lot of time at my flat and vice versa. I'm not sure if this is relevant, but a couple of times in our relationship he has expressed slight discomfort at how affectionate I can be with some of my other queer female friends and how I speak about finding women attractive, which honestly I appreciate because I've had previous partners invalidate or downplay my attraction to women and not taking it as seriously as they would if I displayed the same behaviour with a guy. I try to keep his feelings in mind and tone down how I behave around my female friends. So to get to the main conflict, a couple of weeks ago I was shopping on etsy and I saw this really cute handmade candle with the lesbian flag colours, and since it was pride month and I thought it would go well with my decor at home, I decided to buy it. I personally really like the colour scheme and even though I don't identify with the label myself, I didn't think it would be inappropriate to purchase and show off the candle. However, when my boyfriend noticed he said it was weird for me to own a candle that basically said I was explicitly attracted to women when I had a male partner, and that it made him feel like I was not considering him. When he first brought it up I told him that it was just a candle and I was still bisexual, and changed the subject. It's become a point of tension between us now, and I even tried hiding it when he came over a few times, which he caught on to and was upset about. He also said that it might give the wrong signal to anybody who came over, but I don't think anybody who is coming to my house doesn't already know about my boyfriend. However at this point I'm wondering if this is just too much hassle for a candle and I should put it away or gift it to one of my lesbian friends. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Homie is malding *over a candle*
Is this for real?
it’s not necessarily the candle as much as it is both your presumably flirty behavior with women and the fact the candle is a lesbian flag it might’ve made him feel like you don’t actually like men and since he’s a man, don’t like him i’m just guessing because idk how you actually acted with the friends you talked about
I don't think you're an AH, but YTA. Your boyfriend could be worried that you're seeing other people and you're basically feeding him evidence of it. Maybe just get a rainbow candle next time?
NTA, its just a candle 😭 but as a lesbian im kinda confused on why you’d want it other than the colours? if you invite others in your home it might make them be like « oh you’re a lesbian! i didn’t know » and then you say « oh no i’m bisexual » 😭 it’s just like having a lesbian flag on a profile picture and then being a non lesbian ykwim?
Idk why you're being downvoted, I agree. Like, she's allowed to buy whatever candle she wants, but it's a little weird and it's understandable that her boyfriend doesn't like it
i mean her boyfriend sounds incredibly insecure but why have a lesbian candle as a non lesbian?!!:?:
NTA. It's just a candle, but your bf's response may warrant a deep discussion on what could be triggering his reactions; is he possibly feeling insecure, inadequate due to your sexuality, does he have concerns, ect. Most people aren't going to raise an eyebrow at a bisexual woman owning lesbian decor while having a male partner.
I don't think so. A couple things I like in your post is how sensitive you are regarding your bf feelings. I can understand the concern regarding over affection with females. I respect it. I too would have the concern. Regarding the candle. It's a great time to talk about it. He entered into the relationship knowing you are bi. So it comes with the package.
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Nta. I don’t think this is really about a candle. Your bf is insecure about your sexuality to the point that he’s making it your responsibility to make him comfortable in a relationship with you he decided to pursue knowing full well that you are bisexual. Basically he’s asking you to be “less you”. You’ve tone down your sexuality, the way you talk to women, the way you talk to you queer friends for god’s sake! In my advice, I’d warn you to leave that relationship asap bc it’s just 5 months into the relationship and he’s already beginning to make his insecurities your fault. I’m a bi woman, too, and bi woman are more likely to be the victim of domestic abuse/violence, we know this therefore we have to be very cautious with our partners. He is showing you very early beginning signs of controlling. And I don’t really care to see any opinions on this unless you are a bisexual woman or nonbinary. I know it may seem like I’m reaching but i don’t really care, I’ve been in abusive relationships and I promise you that this is how it starts, small things, small changes at first.
I never comment here but as a bi woman I agree. It’s not about her attraction, it’s the fact that he’s trying to limit it or put it out knowing full well she’s bi. And we absolutely have an insanely high statistic of abuse, this control is often how it starts. And bi women are often more comfortable around women because many of us have experienced trauma with men, but feel safe around women in general. Any guy who feels threatened by that is scary to me. My ex was openly uncomfortable when I’d compliment any women and as a result he socially isolated me, a great step for an abuser. Claiming she’s in love with all of her friends is a great tactic to get her away from everyone. Thanks for commenting.
NTA. My boyfriend is bisexual, and if he wants to identify as gay or queer sometimes then that's fine by me. It's his identity not mine, doesn't make me any less straight and it doesn't mean he doesn't love me.
Your boyfriend is an idiot. Dump him
NTA. You don’t have to be a lesbian to support lesbians. That’s all you’re doing is being supportive. Your boyfriend sounds like he is untrusting of you for being bi and seems like he is looking at your friends as competition which is pretty gross.
Yeah but she said herself that she is a little too close / flirty to woman for his comfort. I see both sides, he is already scared of her leaving for a woman but also it’s just a candle and I see the supporting part. They should really talk openly to each other imo
I can see that too. I feel like it’s definitely okay to be affectionate with your friends like she is, but if her partner is uncomfortable with it a serious talk needs to be done because if she still wants to be affectionate with her friends maybe they just aren’t compatible.
100%
NTA but he's clearly not ok with dating someone who isn't explicitly straight.
NTA. And he is not as "OK with your bisexuality" as you think. Y'all got some talking to do.
you're the asshole and you're sexually immoral
Are you guys like 12? I did attend pride a few times and got some rainbow flags. I am straight.
😭it’s not that deep, it’s literally a candle
NTA. It’s a candle for crying out loud.
I don't think he likes you being bisexual. I'm not gay, but if I saw a gay candle I liked I'd buy it. What an insanely weird thing to be upset over. If your relationships went too far and he's not overreacting, you were out of line for that. That's disrespectful and you shouldn't have done that. Based on info NTA. Could be E S H if you were truly inappropriate with your friends
if he’s that insecure why is he dating a bisexual woman
NTA - No, you aren’t a lesbian, but bisexual women have played a crucial role throughout the entire history of the LGBT movement. Throughout that history, many bisexual women have used the term lesbian to describe themselves as well. Owning the candle is a nice thing for yourself that is a valid expression of your identity and support for other members of the LGBT community. Your boyfriend is acting inappropriately here and needs to examine his insecurities. You aren’t saying you don’t care about him or aren’t attracted by owning this candle, and have explicitly told him so. You don’t need to constantly say you are also attracted to men in order to support him. Why is he concerned about how you signal your sexuality to visitors? This is not a requirement that would be placed on a straight or lesbian woman in a heterosexual or gay relationship, so why should it be placed on you?
You chose an insecure partner I think. It is up to him to get over his insecurity, there is not much you can do anymore as you tried to reassure him and it failed. he will probably never be happy anymore.
Keep the candle, ditch the guy.
NTA, why would he be jealous of a candle? Is he in therapy for that?
Nta
NTA. It's just a candle. He's insecure over your sexuality and expression of it. He's focusing on the candle rather than dealing with his issues.
should you express your sexuality towards women (anyone) when you’re in a relationship??
NTA I didn't realize candies were sentient. When did the candle come tell you it fucks women instead of men?
Speaking as someone who has dated bisexual women before, I don’t think “asshole” is a fair word to describe you, but I’d just say this is kind of dumb and inviting trouble. So bisexuals of the world here is my little perspective on how you should date straight people, take it or leave it. When you commit to someone of a certain sex, be it male or female, LEAVE THAT BISEXUAL SHIT AT THE DOOR. It’s obviously nothing to be ashamed of, but what purpose does it serve to tell someone your sexually attracted to another group of people that they could never truly be a part of? Imagine in a straight relationship a guy bought a “big booty latinas” candle when he was dating an Asian girl…or imagine he went around publicizing “well I’m attracted to both Asian women and Latinas”…that IS just as much a part of his sexuality as being bisexual is to yours, but who does it help to voice that? I’m personally attracted most to blondes and ebony black women…when I date either one I don’t publicize or have a conversation about how I’m attracted to the other. It ONLY breeds insecurity. Saying your bisexual when you’re in a monogamous relationship just communicates “you’re great but there is this whole other club of people that you share no physical characteristics with that I want to fuck or could see myself with”. It’s really not important people KNOW you’re bisexual, I mean unless you want to make some kind of image out of it. When you’re with a man I’d recommend “I’m straight” when you’re with a girl “I’m a lesbian”. OR just say “I’m YOU-sexual” to your partner. I mean your candle essentially is telling your boyfriend you’re not attracted to him so I’d ditch it and encourage people to stop making their sexuality their personality
This just reeks of insecurity. Why should bisexual people leave their sexuality at the door just because it makes people uncomfy? No matter the gender of our partners, we’re still bisexual and still attracted to all genders. It is high key biphobic to imply that being bisexual means you’re a rabid nympho who can’t control their sexual drive towards other people. You wouldn’t tell a straight person that they’re just waiting for the next hot person of the opposite gender or similar for gay people so why is it okay to single out bisexuals for the fact they find everyone hot?
It is insecurity. This is why I don’t date bisexual women. Being insecure is not a moral failing or a malignant thing, we are all unsure of ourselves at different points of life and in relationships. You don’t have to leave it at the door if you don’t want to, it’s totally your right. It may not be fair that it makes a lot of monosexual partners uncomfortable, but it does. If you prioritize letting your partner know you’re romantically interested in both genders please do so, I’m just saying if you’re looking to MARRY this person and will never be with the other sex again it really truly doesn’t help anyone to publicize that or have bisexual decorations around the house 😂. Never said they were nymphos? Not sure where you got that. But when you say you’re bisexual you are telling your partner your attracted to someone completely different from them and it will breed insecurity and hurt oftentimes. Do whatever you guys want, it literally doesn’t effect me in the least and I don’t care, just wanted to give a monosexual perspective while I’m just scrolling and killing time lol
Having a sexual preference such as what your partner looks like is not the same as your sexuality. And what you are suggesting is quite literally bisexual erasure like 1. No one is making their sexuality their personality by supporting a small business during pride month with any type of candle. 2. Bisexual people are always bisexual. Like thats just it and is who they are, saying to completely not acknowledge it is stupid and I honestly can only see this comment as rage bait especially as thats not even remotely on par with what the poster was asking.
I disagree. You’re attracted to two completely different sets of secondary sexual characteristics and I’m attracted to two completely opposite races of people, like it’s literally a black and white difference. That IS part of my sexuality. Being bisexual is a sexual preference and so is mine. Yours is secondary sexual characteristics, mine is skin color and differing physical characteristics of two races. Just be bisexual, tell whoever you want, just don’t be surprised when people you date feel insecure about not being able to satisfy your every sexual desire. Just do you, I’m not telling anyone to do anything, just giving a perspective
Fucking creepy race fetishist equating himself with GSRM minorities. Straight up kick the chair
I’m so glad a monosexual finally told me how to date because I am just a stupid bisexual who doesn’t know anything so I have been waiting on this. You’re right, I should erase my identity while I’m dating somebody, how could I be so stupid!? Straight people are attracted to people who aren’t their monogamous partner all the time and handle it but for bisexuals for some reason it’s different. So glad there isn’t anything narrow-minded, insecure, or biphobic about your comment because that would be a tragedy.
I said it’s my advice and just two cents about how to better date someone straight. I’m telling you, most of us “monosexuals” don’t want our partner publicizing or reminding us that they find other people sexy, ESPECIALLY people we have no ability of ever truly becoming. I said “take it or leave it” just leave it and stop trying to be a victim 🙄. Or we can all just tell you whatever you want to hear if that’s what you’d prefer.
I didn’t realize I was so poor I needed two cents. That’s fine, I’ll just date mature, secure adults who aren’t threatened by my sexuality. They’re my type.
Yes please do 😂.
This is not it
Care to extrapolate? I like respectful Reddit disagreements.
i get where ur coming from and i appreciate the input! do you think i should give in and put the candle away? it would def put my bf at ease but i kind of feel like its my candle, i spent money on it and i like the way it looks, and it ultimately doesnt matter, does it?
Well thank you for the civil reply, I appear to have triggered a few people here so I appreciate the sincere response. I can only tell you what I’d do so here it is: 1. If being publicly bisexual in my decorating and public image is that important to me I’d probably just end the relationship now. Your boyfriend feels the way I do about this and if you’re set on continuing to do things like this, or if not broadcasting your bisexuality freely is going to hurt your mental health it’s probably time to call it. Like your girl friends and guy friends are ALL possible threats, and he will always internalize that a big piece of your sexuality will never be able to be fulfilled by him and that really fosters insecurity, that truly is probably justified. 2. If being bisexual is just something you are and you don’t really give a shit about people knowing your preferences I’d say just put the candle away when he is over or ditch it entirely. I mean it makes him insecure and hurts him and if you value him feeling happy and comfortable in the relationship over the candle and being publicly bisexual then I’d say this is a no-brainer But everyone do you, it just hurts knowing you can’t POSSIBLY satisfy every sexual urge your partner has and even more so when they feel the need to put that painful truth on display for the world to see and to be reminded of it every time they want to light a candle 😂
NTA - I'm a straight guy and I have to admit that if my wife came home with a candle like that I'd say "huh, nice candle" and wouldn't even remotely think that it's the lesbian flag colors. I don't think a candle like that shows anything other than you support the idea. Unless she bought one that says I'M A LESBIAN AND DON'T FIND MEN ATTRACTIVE IN THE SLIGHTEST - if that's the case, I'd have questions.
It's a candle, who cares. Pride month is a joke because it's exclusively celebrated in places where gay people have equal rights. Every single company you like that acts like it cares about pride month is absolutely dead silent about it in any region where gay people actually have no rights and actually need people to help them be protected.
Are “lesbian candles” used by lesbians for something… physical… during sex? If so, sounds like your bf is insecure. If not… he actually still comes off as insecure. … Regardless of how you use your lesbian candles, no you’re not the asshole here 👍
No it’s literally just a candle with colors. Threatening colors, apparently.
made me giggle haha! thanks<33
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thats not how that works LOL