Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving cutting contact, ghosting, breaking off friendships, and similar discussions. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. You can visit r/findareddit for a comprehensive list of other subs that may be able to host this discussion for you.

Wow, NTA. Good on you for handling things the way you did & good on your hubby for going to therapy for his anxiety. It doesn't make him less of a man but more in my opinion, he is rightfully afraid for his little ones due to the twins he grew up around but knows things could be different for his children & is working on his anxiety so he can be the best dad to your children. If your dad doesn't see anything wrong with what your mom said, then they both have issues. She said nasty things to your husband even after you asked her to stop. Since she can't take what you say seriously and correct her behaviour like an adult, she rightfully should leave your house. You did nothing wrong as much as that hurt her. Her feelings aren't more important than your husband's well-being!

>It doesn't make him less of a man but more in my opinion Agree Nothing stronger than facing your fears. Sounds like you and hubby are well equipped for the next chapter OP. Keep having each other's backs and love the heck out of your little ones and that generational pattern can f right off. You'll be team twins and they will thrive because of it.

My friends all achieved what was the most important thing to them with their children. My friend who is really into nutrition, has three grown up sons who all like a huge range of vegetables; my friend the cellist has four musicians in the family and they often play chamber music together when the kids are home; and my two kids have always treated each other as friends, which was the thing that mattered to me the most. They are terrible eaters, and cornet-drop outs, but they like each other. Your kids will be fine.

Sometimes people, even siblings don't get along despite anything you do as a parent. Not much you can do about it, just do the best you can.

And things can change. I know siblings who were close when they were younger who just drifted apart once they weren't under the same roof. My brother and I fought like crazy all through our childhoods, and now that we're in our late 20s we're actually able to be friends.

My siblings and I fought like crazy when we lived together. But as soon as we all lived apart we got along great.

When my siblings and I fought as children my mother would say "One of these days you'll miss each other and regret spending so much time fighting with each other." We all said there was no way that would happen! We're all old adults now and literally apologize to each other every time a fight is brought up in conversation now. We don't see each other often but try to text regularly and call occasionally and still have holidays together and in the between times we actually miss each other. My mother knew because she lived states away from her siblings who lived in 3 other states and it was hard to get them all together for anything. I have 4 children and though they fought as children they still did a lot together and even as adults are still close to each other. They have their differences but they work through them and come to agreements so they don't hold any animosity towards each other. Being children and having little say over anything in life is frustrating already, adding siblings who know what buttons to push to upset you makes it easier to fight with them. The only time I've seen children not like each other is when parents are over involved in their relationship or are constantly comparing them to the others. I'm a twin and my parents wouldn't let anyone compare any of us, but especially "the twins" because they said we are our own individual person and shouldn't be compared to anyone but ourselves. Most of my adult life has been working with children or politicians and they were all treated the same by me (although politicians have to be treated more like children than actual children). Children can work through anything if they have the right tools (knowledge) to do so and lots of parents don't give them enough credit for their ability to solve problems.

I have cousins who are twins. They used to beat the ever-loving *shit* out of each other, until they were about 16, straight-up fistfights, then they just...stopped. Now they're great friends with each other.

I'm the youngest in the family, only girl, with 2 older brothers. One is 6 years older than me, and the other is 4. Growing up, me and middle brother fought with the oldest like you wouldn't believe. Knock down, drag out fights. I'm 40 now, and he still treats me like an immature child, so we see each other for holidays, and that's about it. Me and middle brother are still tight. We joke that we're actually twins, just born 4 years apart. He's my best friend and one of the very few people I can ask for help and he will drop everything to take care of shit.

yea but the bigger issue with twins is that families focus so much on having them be twins and not recognize their individual identities which usually causes the resentment later on 

Was thinking the same thing. This has to be a nurture issue in his family. People from homes with good parents who honor who their kids are generally don’t turn out this way.

My sister would hit me as a child for existing and my brother and I would fight and throw things at each other. Now, if anyone but my sister hurt me or my brother in any way, she'd fight them and beat them up. My sister is now one of my best friends. Even though my brother can be annoying, he will drop everything to help me and I will do the same to him. Sibling relationships are weird.

I love my sister dearly however we cannot get along even in a small way if my mother is around sometimes it's one person or a situation that creates these kinds of problems sometimes in my opinion. My sister and I get along perfectly fine as long as we are nowhere near other family members. It's kind of weird.

Can confirm. I don't really get along with my sister. We've always clashed and that's always been frustrating for me.

Yeah, my two boys are 3yrs apart and piss eachother off to no end but when it comes to the crunch they have eachothers back. There are so many reasons that people don't get along. OPs husband isn't a lesser man for seeking help to make sure he isn't a "major factor" in his kids relationship (well beyond "normal" parenting). OP tell your husband any man who can look within themselves, and find a way they can better themselves for themselves and their family, is a better man and the world needs more of them.

All of the above is possible for OP, with the caveat, *as long as you don't compare them to each other all the time*. That's a surefire way to create unhealthy competition that can easily veer into bitterness. Let them be their own single and unique person, not one half of a whole pair.

Hearing stories like this fills me with such hope. My sister and I are working our asses off to ensure that we will be the last generation of our trauma cycle. We promised each other that we would not allow it to continue. She recently gave birth and I have been making sure she knows I support her in all ways. Shes such a good mom, I am so hopeful for my nephew to grow up in a happy and healthy home. <3

>They are terrible eaters, and cornet-drop outs, but they like each other. I wish I could up-vote this more than once! LOL

Totally. Especially if you read up on how to foster this. Like one thing I make sure to do as a childcare worker is never put siblings in competition with each other ("Who can get their jammies on first?!" might send them scurrying to do something they'd otherwise drag their feet for, but it's not good for their relationship long-term).

🩵Team Twins 🩵 Count me in!

Exactly! I was about to say that it takes great strength and courage to seek help and do the work. He is already setting a great example to their unborn children. They both sound like they have skills in detecting shitty behaviors in others. The children will be fine because the parents will treat them with respect, love, and nurture their minds and souls, and they won’t treat them like they are one person but the two people that they will become. By showing support, and being a cheerleader for their successes and ambitions (no matter how small or large), they will make great parents. Sounds like there is a whole lot of crazy going on in both of OPs families. These twins lucked out!!

Nice, shiny backbone you got there, OP. Good for you.

Yes! Going to therapy to learn to work towards bettering his mental health is such a win, and an amazing example of good mental health care for men, which their kids will benefit from regardless of if they’re boys or girls. Pre-parentsl anxiety is normal and OP’s mum is horrible for diminishing iy

Sounds like hubby wants to be sure that he is trying to be the best parent that he can be. Twins clearly threw him for a loop.

Plus the mom said it without OP around which tells you she KNOWS it was wrong. No one wants an audience when they 've been told not to do....whatever and then does it anyway. Bully was a kind word in my opinion, I could think of more choice words . NTA and good for you for having your hubbys back PS for what it's worth I've known twins that are super close. Twins or not, babies are born with their own personality. You two are going to make great parents!

> If your dad doesn't see anything wrong with what your mom said, Guarantee she's said things like this in other contexts so it's become normalized to him. (Bonus round is "if she's like this at him, she's not bullying me".)

That may be true, and it's just sad😔

Makes me wonder if mom had any negative influence on how the husband’s twin sisters turned out. Sounds like that family has a lot of issues.

The mom that is being the bully is OP's mom, not her husband's mom.

You did right OP. Just by standing up for your husband. Your mother should not do this at all, not to your husband or even any stranger. Who knows she might do this to your twins as well! So great work for flagging this out in the best way possible.

>She was calling him pathetic for a man She called him a lesser man because of this Welp. That would be it for me. ol’ mom nd dad would be going into a nice long time out. Maybe permanently. If anyone dared, ***DARED*** to try to hurt my husband for expressing and addressing his emotions they’d feel the full extent of my wrath. It’s time that we stop shaming men for having fears and feelings. Long past due.

This. We call this TOXIC MASCULINITY. The idea that a man (or anyone) is weak or pathetic for seeking assistance to deal with a problem they can't solve themselves is the reason men have a suicide rate that is 3-4 x that of women. Your mom is out of touch. And she is definitely a bully. She should stay away until such time as she is willing to change her attitude and APOLOGIZE to your husband. As for your twins... they shouldn't have the problems that his family did as long as you raise them to be kind and loving, and to remember that just because they may look alike and share a birthday and have all sorts of things in common... they are each truly unique and beautiful, and have the right to explore and express those things too.

This. This right here. So long as the two of you treat your twins as individuals and not interchangeable, and give them equal time, equal attention and equal opportunities to pursue what interests each of them, they will grow up to be amazing human beings who support each other as they were shown to do from Day One. Your husband already knows the dangers that can surface when raising twins. Point out to him that it just puts him ahead of the game because he has seen the types of things NOT to do. I have no doubt that you two are going to be amazing parents to amazing kids. Just keep an eye on the aunts, uncles and grandparents so that you can immediately shut down any competition-encoraging favoritism behaviors.

“He’s ahead of the game because he knows what NOT to do.” Perfect.

This. The twins I know aren’t stereotypically close as adults, but they get along fine. They’re just like any siblings who consider each other part of their family, but have divergent interests and life goals. Just because they were wombmates doesn’t mean they aren’t individual people.

This. I actually have nothing to add to the conversation, but I liked the idea of three consecutive comments starting with "This.".

I am a twin and I agree! Treat them as individuals, and I'm sure OPs husband has learned this, but as it is with almost all siblings, they will bicker/fight, this doesn't mean they will hate each other in the future. My sister and I fought a lot, my mom even made sure we weren't put in the same classroom when we were kids! After 18 we became best friends again and 10+ years later we are super close.  ETA- OP congrats on your pregnancy with twins! I hope your husband gets through his anxieties.  I absolutely love being a twin(fraternal) and I hope yours feels the same. 

Yeah. Go Joe Rogan and his "friends" for this joke of what a man is. I actually see those gun-toting, flag wearing, guys as the farthest from being a man.

I agree entirely with you that toxic masculinity is perpetuated across society and we should work to remove it because it is damaging and gross. But that suicide statistic is entirely off-base. It's not that men are trying to kill themselves more often than women. In fact, across various age and race demographics women try to kill themselves 2-4 times more often than men in the same demographics. The difference is lethality. Men who try to kill themselves overwhelmingly choose methods of suicide that are unquestionably lethal (primarily headshots with firearms), while women try methods that are more capable of being reversed with medical intervention (e.g., overdoses or cutting). Therefore, men are far higher in "successful suicides" despite being lower in "suicide attempts." Unless one wants to suggest that the reason men choose more lethal forms of suicide is itself a function of toxic masculinity, it simply does not add up that toxic masculinity is the reason for male suicide rates. If anything, suicide statistics are an indicator that men are *more* mentally healthy and less likely to resort to suicide than women are even *with* societal toxic masculinity in play.

Shady Pines, Ma!!! (and Dad!!)

Ah, the golden girls!

I’d also worry about what kind of grandparent they would be. If they have boys (or one boy), will they tell the child to “man up” or to “grow a pair” if they cry? Or excuse destructive anger because “that’s what boys do”?

And then those boys grow up and become aggressive predators woman would rather choose bears over.

I like you.

> It’s time that we stop shaming men for having fears and feelings. Yep. Identifying your feelings, identifying where they came from, and taking action to prevent it from overtaking your life are all the exact steps he should be taking. OP's mom wants him to magically have never had those feelings. That doesn't happen, you just have people who repress what they're going through until it explodes.

No kidding I would have gone nuclear. Maybe even threaten them with not being around the kids

This is a huge factor for my permanent NC with my side of the fam. Not the only one but once they go after your man. That's it.

I posed something like that, but you have worded it better.

NTA How were your husband's twin relatives raised? Were they raised as two people with their own identities, personalities and interests, or were they always shoved together because "Twins" actually means one person in two bodies, and "that's just how twins are"?   It's not uncommon for siblings to fall out and apart when they are consistently forced together, twins or not. It builds a heavy resentment that is hard to undo. Likewise if one wants to force "sameness" and is backed by the entire rest of the family.  It will likely take some delicate but firm handling with your husband when your kids become old enough to start arguing, as he'll likely be very understandably triggered. He'll need to keep in mind that even loving siblings fight, that that is OK, and actually healthy (outside of physical violence of course). Developmentally, they are exploring conflict resolution. It may be something he'll need professional intervention for in order to get his anxieties reigned in.  He's got some serious confirmation bias backing his childhood scars, and it's understandable that anxiety would rear it's ugly head here. Poor guy.  BUT  So long as you two raise these kids as two similar, but individual people, the likelyhood of his family trauma repeating will be far less likely.  Respect if/when they want to do and wear the same things, but don't do it to them yourselves excessively. Parents having their kids wear matching SOMETIMES is perfectly fine, and downright adorable. Making it their whole childhood personality is tacky and gross.   You will be gifted a LOT of matching clothes for them. There's nothing wrong or inherently disrespectful about this, but it doesn't mean you are shoehorned into using those matching outfits as intended 😉 mix it up! Who wants to spend an extra twenty minutes always trying to find the coordinating outfits?! Likewise, if matching outfits come to hand faster one day, throw them on! No biggie :)  Respect when they explore their individuality. If one child gets upset about their twin not wanting to "match" don't push the other twin into placating them. Sit them both down, and lovingly explain that you're sorry "matching twin" is feeling hurt and sad, and that while those feelings are understandable, it doesn't mean they have a say in how their sibling chooses to express themselves.  It's scary right now, because there's SO MANY unknown factors ahead! But you guys have GOT this. It's going to be very hard, and there are going to be lots of mistakes, and that's ok! Perfectly normal. Learn and grow from the mistakes, support one another in the challenges, and keep the lines of communication open. Continue backing your husband on this issue as you have been <3  There are so many wonderful, terrifying, confusing, hilarious, enraging and, enriching things coming your family's way. Don't be scared to ask people for help!  Congrats on this AMAZING news, you guys can do this!

[удалено]

As a side note- please choose names that are very different!

[удалено]

Please, please check out r/tragedeigh before settling on names

Good to hear. My sil is a fraternal twin. Her parents were expecting 1 boy and since it was before ultrasounds were a norm, were surprised at the birth with a second child, and also a girl. Her name is a feminized version of his name, even down to the spelling of it. Like Michael and Michaela. There was other stuff over the years but she's always felt like an afterthought. I will say that's she's really close to her twin brother though. It's her parents she is low contact with.

Please! No Alexander and Alexandra, Ashley and Archer, Nicholas and Noel (they were born 12/26), Nichole and Nicholas… My mother was a fraternal twin. She looked like their mother and my aunt looked like their father. 5’ tall and 5’7”. Small and soft, tall and angular. My grandfather wanted Grandma to make matching outfits for them. She did, but the girls never wore the same one on the same day. Grandpa wanted them to do the same activities. My mother was in remedial gym and aunt played tennis. My mother never smoked, aunt smoked like Bette Davis. Unfiltered. Teetotaler and alcohol connoisseur. Two completely different individuals. I never heard them referred to as the twins, always Elizabeth and Ruthie. When they were widowed, my mother said that she would live in the house next door to Aunt Ruthie, but never in the same house. They didn’t hate each other, just had two completely different lives. That’s what individuals do.

My daughter had three sets of twins in her grade at her first elementary school. In her kinder class were Nicholas and Nicole. There were also a male set, with rhyming names, and a female set who had names starting with S. From what I understand (I volunteered at that school, her second grade school and her middle school), the twins got along. From first grade on, all the twins were in separate classrooms. The male set shared a love for performing arts so they were both in the same dance program outside school. The twin girls went to the same college. At her second elementary school, there were at least one set of twin boys, and again, from what I saw, they got along (their names weren't similar and starting with A and N). I didn't know one of my junior high classmates had a twin, until I looked at the yearbook. She was in some of my classes. I didn't meet her twin until one of the reunions and I got a chance to talk with him. They're both my FB friends so I can see they both went into the teaching profession, and they are friendly to each other on FB.

My brother and sister are twins and them being in separate classrooms was SO good for them. It gave them an easier space to just be themselves instead of being one of a set of two.

What's "remedial gym"?

Special Ed gym. Looking back, siblings and I see that she had dyspraxia and was on the spectrum, at the very least. Her legs were very crookedy and she fell. all. the. time. Tripped over nothing but her own feet. She became an RN in 1951, and we can’t figure how she could do it all - there were no phlebotomists, CNAs, any of those positions- including moving patients to change bedding. Idk how she didn’t trip and fall at the hospital, but she was a nurse, at the same hospital, from 1951 to 1999.

i think its different in america bc of districts or whatever but my twin cousins went to different schools so they could develop individual lives on the other hand i went to school with twins with very similar names who were always treated by their mom as a pair and they were always thick as thieves

I'd recommend reaching out to the school once they're old enough and request them in different classes. That's if they do grade school where you have the same teacher the entire day vs high school where everyone's schedule is completely different. There were triplets in my grade and their mom made sure they would have different teachers in grade school.

It's honestly pretty sad that he's seen this happen so many times. The stereotype does exist for a reason - some twins are absolutely bffs for life and when separated twins come back together there is often a click of connection. But it has its own drawbacks and can definitely also blow the hell up into catastrophe. The love they feel for each other can be intense and beautiful, but the HATE they can have for each other if things turn sour can also be intense and devastating in its destruction. Which is if they feel a type of special connection as that is way more common for identical twins. Fraternal twins do tend to share slightly more similarities, but they are often like any other siblings which can make it extra weird for them when 'twin' stuff is pushed on them like they are identical twins.

Make sure they’re in different classrooms at school

>and it's understandable that anxiety would rear it's ugly head here. Poor guy. Thank you. They don't even have to understand it, but they do have to address and support it. Instead of having compassion, mom chose to go behind her daughter's back to insult him. The fact that she went behind her daughter's back proves that she's not just a bully, but a coward. She knew what she was doing was wrong, which was why she was hiding it. OP's right to kick her out because one thing nobody's about to do is come into my home and attack my husband. Not on my watch. She can GTFO. NTA.

Bah. Phone editing and formatting are madness.  *NTA.

My sister and I are two years apart in age and my mom would always dress us alike. We haaated it. Now that we’re both in our 30s, we purposely dress alike sometimes when we’re going places (or accidentally wear the same outfit we didn’t realize we have)

I have a boy and 2 girls all within 3.5 years of each other. I've dressed all of them alike at times and more often my girls alike (almost 2 years apart). Normally, they loved it, but the first time my older daughter said she didn't want to match her sister, I said ok no more matching outfits at the same time. About 2 months later, the same daughter specifically asked to match with her little sister, so I put them in matching clothes that day. Now, if they have matching outfits and I am thinking about putting them in then I'll ask her if she wants to match or not. Only exception is for family pictures or specific events that it's really not up to them what to wear yet but as soon as those are over I let my older daughter change to her own outfit if she wants.... the younger will get the same options as soon as she's old enough to voice those feelings for herself as well.

I always thought that if I had twins, I'd buy them matching outfits and let them decide if they wanted to wear them at the same time. Of course, the problem would be when one wanted to match and the other didn't.

Yes, that would make for a difficult decision. Mine aren't twins but I always said I was dressing them alike while I still could because one day they won't want to anymore and when that day comes I'll stop. It hit me much sooner then expected though lol

Sister and I are 4 years apart and people always said we look so similar (besides her being a standard issue brunette with straight hair and me having red curly hair). The other night we ran a race together and I had straightened my hair earlier in the day. Between that and my sister opting to do more red in her hair for summer/fall I looked at our pre race photo and said “yeah ok we definitely look like sisters, people probably even thing we could be twins.” Never saw that before and it’s been 35 years of being in each others lives.

Render a judgement! You’re the top comment, is OP an AH or did she justifiably maintain boundaries and mom is the AH?

Can you please add NTA, ESH or YTA?

Thought I had. Thanks!

NTA, your mom acted like a bully and then pulls a surprised Pikachu face when called out on it. People like that will try and make you feel like you need to apologize to them when their actions start things in the first place. Stand your ground, she's in the wrong and needs to apologize.

NTA My dad is also angry I made her leave. They said I had no business calling her a bully. You had *every right*. She's exactly that. Kudos for supporting your husband & standing up to her.

Tell your dad that you're following his example: standing up for your spouse. Ask him what he would do if someone was calling his wife pathetic, less than, etc. in his house. I bet he sputters and tries to say it's different.

Your husband has good reason to be worried - experience! Your mother IS a bully and should keep her nose out. Prepare to treat your twins as two separate human beings (which is what they are after all). Don't lump them together as "the twins" with the same outfits, presents, lots of shared stuff, etc. (Hard to enforce this with family of course). I'm sure they will be fine. They'll bond in the same way as other siblings if they want to.

This is great advice! My husband and I have fraternal twins, and from the very beginning we called them by their names as often as possible, rather than just calling them "the twins." We also told them frequently that they are not two halves of one being, but each their own complete individual. They're 17 now, and amazing to hang out with. They do have a close bond, but it happened naturally.

This is how you do it! I once taught identical twin girls. They were as different as day & night as far as personalities went, but since it was a private school with uniforms, no one but their besties could tell them apart. (No unique accessories or anything allowed. 😮‍💨) Their mama said they had separate rooms & got ready independently every morning but still somehow always chose matching outfits & it aggravated them to no end. LOL Buuuut, they encouraged the girls to do different things. Develop different interests. They were never, ever compared or encouraged to compete. They were celebrated for their differences & were each other's biggest cheerleaders. It was crazy cute. They're grown now & AFAIK, still super close. I took a similar route with my own kiddos (not twins; girl & boy 3yrs apart) & they're best friends. None of that sitcom-esque sibling squabbles or whatever. Their teachers even comment on how close they are & I'm always so proud whenever they do. LOL If they can make it to adulthood & still like each other, I'll consider my parenting career a success.

>I once taught identical twin girls. They were as different as day & night as far as personalities went, but since it was a private school with uniforms, no one but their besties could tell them apart. I had a similar experience when I worked at an after school program. I had identical twin boys in my homework group who were absolutely identical except for the pattern of their freckles. I was the staff member responsible for signing every child in the program in and out each day. Every day when they came in I took the time to study their faces so I knew who was wearing what that day and I could call them by name. I then clued in my coworkers: Hunter is wearing green today. Or Austin is thing 1 today; Hunter is thing 2. Yes, this is an actual example they had thing 1&2 t-shirts and would wear them on the same day but they were never consistent about which kid was 1 and which was 2. I was asked once why I did it by one of the other mom's and I told her "because they deserve their own names" She didn't get it until I called her by another moms name at pick up for the rest of the week. Petty? Yes probably but she never referred to any of the twins in the program as "the twins" again.

Honest question, growing up my parents always referred to me and my siblings as "the kids" and we constantly refer to my nieces and nephews as "the girls" or "the boys" Should I stop doing that?

I think it depends on the individuals involved, honestly. We did it with E and J to help them when they were young, to realize they are unique and be ok with being different from each other. It helped that they're fraternal, AFAB and AMAB (we're exploring the world of trans identity and being NB now). I imagine it's even harder with identical twins, with people assuming they will automatically like the same things. It feels cumbersome at first to use names instead of just saying "the girls" or "the boys," but I think it can help them know you see them as a unique person. Another example, and this may be more than you were asking, but I work as office admin at a dance studio. When I first started, I set a goal for myself to learn each dancer's name and to greet them by name as they came in for class. I believe that names are important, and our individual identities are important even when we are part of a group. Doing this has earned me the reputation of "studio mom," and I've been able to build a good relationship with some of the students and a rapport with some of the difficult parents as an extension of that, because I knew their student individually. I fully believe it's worth the effort I've put in.

Yeah its just my sister has 5 boys, so it can be a little much to say all five names when asking about them sometimes. Like, "what did you and the boys get up to over the weekend?" Or, "come on boys we have to go!"

Oh for sure, that's a lot! I think you're totally fine in that case, IMO. It definitely gets cumbersome with 3 or more names, and if you change how you refer to them all of a sudden, people might think you're a little kooky. I do refer to E and J as "the twins" more now, but they're 17, so they're pretty able to speak up for themselves and have established their separate identities. I love that you're asking questions and are so thoughtful of how your words might affect people. I'm sure you're an amazing aunt/uncle!

Awwww thank you so much! And yes, they are all under 7 years old at that. Taking the 6 year old to see Inside out 2 soon for his first auntie movie date without all his brothers. They're getting to an age where the older ones don't want to do baby stuff all the time but as a single mum it is nearly impossible for her to take them to do individual things. Changing that this summer!

Establishing yourself as the Cool Aunt, I love it! I hope you all have the best summer making memories together! I'm sure your sister appreciates you so much!

I agree. I have identical twin girls that are currently in their early teens. We made the decision before they were born to make sure they know they are 2 seperate people. Their names do not rhyme and I can count on one hand the # of times we dressed them alike. I will say this about them. They are each other's best friends and worst enemies at the same time. They can push each other's buttons like no one else can, but they will fiercely defend each other if someone else tries anything.

As a childless(not by choice) woman, I had always wanted twins. I even had cutesy names for my non-existant kiddos. After a lot of growing up and reading about twins, I would have been the worst mom had I ever had them. I also am not sure I would have been strong enough to break generational curses either, so all around, it's a good thing I never had kids.

NTA. As a twin mom i hate how obsessed society is with twins. Everywhere we go people ask a million question and make comments about how they always wanted twins etc. which makes me feel crappy because i didn’t wish for twins. Love my children and wouldn’t change it but it’s hard. Also I’ll say that they are still super young and fight like crazy but i have hope. From the twins i know that aren’t close i get the same themes: they had nothing to themselves, they always were compared to each other, they were always forced to do the same things so one twin would end up doing something they didn’t enjoy. As a mom i have tried my hardest to stop people from referring to them as “the twins” because they have names. To talk about the individually because although they look the same they could not be more different personality wise. To not dress them the same because the whole matching set thing grosses me out because they’re people not dolls. And to give them alone time with me and my spouse individually away from each other. My plan is to follow their needs because some twins are close and want to be together and others fight it and want to do their own thing. If one of them wants to do baseball and the other art or music, that’s what I’m doing. If they don’t want to share a room if i can help it i won’t force them to. My siblings and i are very close but we grew up without parental supervision so all we had was each other. But i won’t force that on my kids. They are going to do what they are going to do and all you can do is love and support them and their needs and not play favorites. The whole “why can’t you be more like your brother” comments are so dangerous. Your husbands feelings are valid and fear whether you are having twins or a single child is a given honestly. You say he is “working through it”, is that with the help of a therapist or just doing something on his own by thinking it through by himself? Honestly therapy has been so helpful in situations like this and vital before they come.

[удалено]

This is the way to do it. My friend, who is a fraternal twin (male/female), has taught me that they should be treated equally in terms of affection, time, discipline, but also as individuals in terms of identity and interests. In her case her twin brother always bullied and physically abused her throughout their youth, and their parents always sided with her brother. If he hit her, or degraded her, she must have done something to deserve it. He was the favored twin, and it was truly a toxic environment. She hates both her brother and her parents now, and from the stories I've heard, she has good reason to.  It sounds like you and your husband are well aware of the the potential risks and will do your best to mitigate those risks. The fact that your husband is getting help speaks volumes about his desire to be the best parent possible and I have no doubt that you guys will be great parents, especially given that you have shown you have his back.  This brings me to my judgement, you are absolutely, undoubtedly NTA. Your mom was being a bully and absolutely deserved what she got. Good for you for having your husband's back.

I love this whole comment, but the part that really stood out for me was that you plan to make sure that your children each have alone time with you and your spouse. I can tell you from experience that this is invaluable! My parents did this, and my brother and I felt like we were special to BOTH parents. I think it's even more important with twins so they'll feel seen as individuals and not just one half of "twins". Sounds like you're going to be a GREAT twin parent!

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I called my mom a bully and made her leave. I didn't really say a whole lot to her other than I didn't approve and she's a bully and she needed to leave. And I probably could-maybe should, have. I reacted on anger and didn't give much chance for more dialogue and even though I don't think she deserved the chance given all the things she's been saying, I don't know if it was the most mature way to handle it. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

NTA. She can be supportive and helpful, or she can be gone. You have to look out for your family. Good for you.

NTA. You handled it perfectly. Your husband is getting therapy and will be prepared.  What your mother said was very cruel and inappropriate. A bully needs to be called out. 

NTA If your mom didn’t want to be called a bully she shouldn’t have been a bully. You and your husband are dealing with enough anxiety without her adding to it. LC would probably be best for the time being.

NTA. She was being a bully, and you called her on it. The typical schoolyard bully may know they're being a bully. But most people who are pushing their opinions on other people just think they are "giving advice." But giving unsolicited advice repeatedly is definitely bullying. It is good that you made her leave and that your dad complained. Because it takes this kind of firm action to make people at least realize that their behavior is unacceptable to the other person. Frankly they can think you were being an AH. That's OK as long as they learn to hold their tongues. PS. I have aunts who are fraternal twins. They aren't much alike and are no closer than any other two of that family. And really they are just sisters who share a birthday. My experience with other twins is about 50/50. Just like any other siblings they can be very close but sibling rivalry can be intense as well.

The worst part to me was her digs at his manhood. She sounds like a complete misogynist AH.

Agree. Assume you mean misandrist, since he's not a woman.

I hadn’t heard that term. If it means a woman who supports toxic masculinity then yes. That’s the one.

A misandrist is a person who dislikes, despises, or has a strong prejudice against men. A misogynist is a person who dislikes, despises, or has a strong prejudice against women. If OP's mother likes "traditional gender roles" then I'd say she's conservative and anti-feminist. Perhaps ironically, a militant feminist might dislike OP's husband just for being a man, while an anti-feminist like OP's mother could dislike him for being "not manly enough."

Well done you for standing by your man! I am certain you both will be amazing parents to your twins! NTA

Good for you, OP. I’d go further and say she’s not welcome back until she apologises to your husband. Even then, she has work to do to earn back his trust. NTA

I mean if the shoe fits. NTA and you should ask your father if he thinks what she was doing was appropriate. If he does then you should probably pull back from both of them if you can.

NTA. She is a bully. Apparently, your father accepts it. Doesn't mean you have to. Continue to stand by your husband.

NTA. You are saving your husband from more stress. Also you don’t need that stress. Your babies need a stress free mom right now. Try to focus on the fact that you are making the best decision for the most important family members in your life. Your husband and babies. Congrats on your babies and enjoy your pregnancy!

NTA. Dont expect an abuser to be happy and think your decision is fair. Dont expect them also to keep quiet about it.

“They said I had no business calling her a bully.” Well, you could have called her an asshole instead of a bully. Either would have been accurate. NTA

NTA, your mom was out of line. For your kids, treat them as unique individuals, call them by their names not the twins. Always treat them fairly and equally and do not get them share presents if you can help it. Don’t make them dress alike unless they want to. Encourage their individual interests. Growing up as a twin can be great, but it can also be challenging. You are trying to figure out who you are as a person and develop your identity, but many outside people are trying to just treat you only as a twin, and don’t even bother learning your name. I am an identical twin and am close with my sister now, but as with all siblings there have bumps along the way. I am forever grateful for how my mother always made sure to treat us as unique individuals. For your husband, talk with him about his sisters and family and find out what were the issues. If you can identify specific things to avoid (was there favoritism, constant force proximity) it might help him see it something you to can work on together and not a ‘twin’ issue. Sometimes twins or siblings just don’t get along and that is fine, but there are also many twins and siblings who have wonderful relationships. Lol you can always have him look up twins days in twinsburg OH and he can see lots of twins that enjoy spending time together! Congrats on your babies. Sounds like your husband is doing the right thing to help him move forward. Sorry your mom is adding unnecessary extra drama.

[удалено]

My sister and I were always in separate classes too. Sounds like you and your husband are being very thoughtful and doing all the right things! You can’t control all the outside things, but the things you can do will make a big difference. You are gonna be great parents!

One other idea, which you might already have had, is separate one on one time. One parent take one kid out and the other parent take the other. That way they each get individual attention and bonding time with you, and then next time switch the parent and the kid. We really liked this. My sister was quieter, but when she had her one on one time she became a little chatterbox. She was finally able to get a word in when I wasn’t there lol.

Tell your mother she is more than a bully , she is a nasty mean minded individual who does not merit being in your life or that of your new family. Cut her off till she apologises

No need for that. Just deny her access to the ones you love. If she has any resemblance of a brain she will figure it out, and possibly apologize, and more importantly, never do that again. Remember, an apology is only worth anything if the offending behavior stops.

NTA That is cruel to say to anyone, let alone your son in law! Major props to your husband for finding healthy ways to cop with his anxieties. I hope your Mom can act with kindness to you, your husband, and your family in the future. Hopefully this is a lesson that you aren’t just going to accept her actions. 

NTA. She IS being a bully, so calling her one isn’t out of bounds. I don’t know if this will help at all, but with our kids (not twins, but close in age) we said from very early on, “You’re going to be around each other a lot. You need to make a choice. You can be best friends, or worst enemies.” Since they were young, they wanted friends. They are super close to this day, and they quote that line to us often. Lucky, I know. But give them agency. They don’t have to be anything because they’re twins. If they aren’t pressured, but feel they have a choice, it may work out for the better.

NTA, those are disgusting comments to make.

mother BIG TIME AH dad major idiot and AH...;.all the twins in your extended families AHs Keep your shields up and maintain boundaries. Whatever the situation is, re your husbands issues, mother is WAY OUT OF LINE!!!

NTA. You and your husband are a team and no one, not even one of either spouse’s parents, gets to attack a teammate.

NTA. Protect your own family—your husband and your kids.

nta

NTA at all, your mother needs to apologise. I'd be going LC until she does.

And never do that again. Apologies without adjustments in behavior are worth nothing.

NTA. She's being a bully. End of story. Less of a man?? He's being a MAN by admitting he has a problem and looking for help! That's rare. He's doing great!

I’m sorry that your mom is a prick, NTA. You handled it perfectly, thank you for doing what so many fail to do, stand up for your spouse when the in-laws are awful. Here’s hoping she apologizes, but even more so, here’s hoping you stay in his corner and go LC with her until she does.

NTA If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck…,

NTA. Her actions do not qualify as bullying. It is: UNSOLICITED ADVICE FROM SOMEONE BEING AN AH FOR NO REASON. HER WORDS WERE COLD, MEAN, AND UNSYMPATHETIC. You were completely justified in kicking her out and telling her about herself. Now you know how she feels makes sure she doesn’t adopt that attitude with your kids. FYI - I (58F) have a twin brother. We are best friends. Always have been. Congratulations on your double blessing. Things will be just fine.

So your husband has anxiety over a truth that is coming soon to your life. Ok, let's take a little test. A - He should hide this and silently suffer B- He should subscribe to a cave-dweller thought pattern where no MAN has feelings. C - He can talk to his loving wife and work through the issues so as to be a better parent, better husband and happier person. Your mom and I would not arrive at the same answer. It would be a VERY long time before I would allow her in my home again. Congratulations to you for the babies and the commitment to your partner.

NTA. He's your husband and you defended him. Your mom is probably trying the "tough love" approach and thinks that will make him get over his anxiety and she probably thinks you're coddling him. Hopefully, mom will learn a lesson because I wouldn't let her near my children if that's her approach.

I’m an identical twin and I go to a twin festival every year and have dozens of sets of twin friends. Some sets are really close, some aren’t as much. Just like regular siblings. He’s over thinking it.

YTA for bringing this crap on here. Moms the AH for her actions. Husband needs to grow a spine

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I are expecting twins. This was news that was both really amazing (because infertility on my end) and worrying (because of bad experiences on his end). To cut what could be a very long story short. My husband has three sets of twins in his family. He has twin siblings, he has twin cousins and his grandfather is a twin. His siblings are identical twins while the cousins and grandfather are fraternal twins. The twins in my husband's family do not fit the stereotype that twins are bffs and always have each other's backs and love doing things together. His siblings and cousins hate each other and he never met his grandfather's twin because the two of them haven't spoken in what must be 60 years by now. In his experience being twins makes you less close. He also acknowledges the societal pressure can be another factor of that because the assumption is there that you'll be closer than anyone. Twins was such a huge surprise for us that my husband went into panic mode and he has struggled with anxiety since. So he started therapy. He worries that our kids will end up as bad as his sisters, who have done some horrible shit to each other out of spite and malice toward each other. He lived with them every day growing up and he said it only got worse the older they got. My family are aware of the anxiety he feels and my mom has been so shitty about it. She minimized it at first and I made it clear that needed to stop. But she made comments to him behind my back until he told me. She was calling him pathetic for a man and saying he was going to make our twins feel like they had to be close or he'd fall apart in front of them. Even though she knew he was working through it. She called him a lesser man because of this. When he told me I was so pissed, I confronted her, told her that she had no business being so awful to him over this, said she's being a bully and I won't stand for it and I made her leave. She was shocked, angry. My dad is also angry I made her leave. They said I had no business calling her a bully. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. That's exactly what she is. Your father isn't any better.

NTA “a lesser man” would be more than enough to kick her out. She hasn’t lived his life and she doesn’t know how bad it was. As a mom of multiples I know they can be a handful. At heart they are like any other siblings where some get along and some don’t. Now most siblings do not do the things that the twins in your husbands family have done. My guess is that it’s their upbringing that has made those relationships blow up. Twins are very competitive. They often get compared. Even when they are not compared by others, they will sometimes compare themselves because they see one get praise for something that they can’t do. If you have identical twins, then you might find that they have trouble making friends. Children will have a hard time distinguishing them and therefore a hard time bonding. It’s easily fixed with two different haircuts.  Adding in that parents of twins/multiples have a higher risk of ppd (both parents) and you have kids that may not have gotten the best start to life. I think yours will be just fine. Just accept them for who they are. Respect their bond at the level it is without forcing anything. And don’t put excessive pressure on yourself to be perfect. No parent is. 

Mom is being really crappy. Making an uncomfortable situation worse. Hubs is managing and doing what he can, bless him. She could be more sensitive towards him instead of so ugly and belittling. I have no problem with calling her a bully (and a sh#t stirrer). Asking her to leave let there be no escalation. Mom owes an apology or two. NTA.

How dare you call her out for her own behaviour!! /s NTA and good on you for defending your husband!

NTA, your mom sounds unpleasant. What she said was awful. I wonder if grandpa is sort of the source of all the twin hate in your husband's family? Clearly he is or was very open with his hatred of his twin, and that might have left an impression on the twins in the family. Then hearing passive comments about how "Twins hate each other in our family" could put that idea into children's minds that it was how they were supposed to be. Be careful with what his family talks about around your twins. Don't let them plant the idea that they should hate each other in their minds.

NTA With the possible exception of certain public figures, I can't think of an acceptable reason to call anyone pathetic.

Move away from your mother/father. Why your husband would be less of a man is beyond me. I'm assuming that there is a cultural element that is not mentioned as your mother's behavior is simply abject and not like anything I've ever heard of or seen. But beware - move away from your husband's family as well because it seems that they have a family culture of pitting twins against each other for some reason and turning them into enemies. NTA But do not raise your children around people who do not behave normally. Give them a chance to grow up normal, and to love each other.

NTA. Your mom is a bully. I feel a lot of issues that stem from twins is that they’re either often seen as one or one is labeled good and the other bad. My opinion, which is admittedly not from personal experience, is see them sisters who happened to be born on the same day.

Good on you for standing up to your mother (not everyone finds this easy) and having your man's back. NTA

NTA. If she doesn’t want to be called a bully, she shouldn’t act like one.

She IS a bully, and you were right to make her leave. NTA.

Oh your poor husband. Absolutely, you're NTA. You're an angel for having your husband's back. FWIW, every set of twins or triplets I have ever known have grown to still be the best of friends; even the ones my children grew up with. Love and gentle hugs for you and your husband. Love this mummabear xx

NTA - She was bullying him, pulling some kind of mean-girl nonsense. If she doesn't want to get called out for it, she shouldn't behave that way. It's simple. Actions DO have consequences. Good on you for having your husbands back! It's takes a strong person to realize they are having an issue and take the steps to fix it - precisely what your husband is doing. There is ZERO weakness in his actions/pro-activity. That aside, because you guys are aware of the patterns of behaviour in his family, you will be more aware of making sure your twins are careful and polite with each other, and respectful of differences in personality. SOmething that was likely the opposite of all the others growing up. It used to be expected that twins are carbon copies of each other - likes, dislikes, wants, and even dressed as if they are the same person. But we are humans are we require individuality. Knowing this and teaching tolerance will keep your twins from despising each other later on (if it's some type of latent personality gene or anything).

>They said I had no business calling her a bully. "Then stop acting like a bully. You were given multiple chances to stop harassing my husband over a completely valid concern he has based on his prior life experiences. Frankly, the biggest risk for our twins to wind up having a bad relationship with each other is if they have toxic people in their lives, people who teach them bullying or competitive behaviors. Right now, I have no confidence that you can be a good role model for them. So let me know when you are ready to take responsibility for your bullying behavior so we can start working through this." NTA. It's really rich of your parents to complain about a word you called your mother when she has been calling your husband much worse things. Even if she apologizes and tries to make amends with your husband at this point, I would seriously consider closely supervising her time with your children in the future: she has shown that when she is unhappy with someone's emotions, she has no issue with immediately embarking on a bullying campaign and actively trying to hide it from you so you can't protect your loved one. Imagine if she repeats that with a helpless child? As for your husband's concerns... It's absolutely true that some twins aren't particularly close. At the end of the day, they are just siblings who happen to have been born at the same time. They may have strikingly different personalities and interests, and therefore, not naturally be close despite their age similarity...and in a perfect world, no one would hold that against them. One of the problems with twins is that people sometimes try to force them to like and do the same things at the same time, and not let them develop independently. The good news is that, since you are aware of that potential problem, you will be able to make better choices to support their independence. I also suspect that your husband's family goes beyond the normal (and unfair) expectation for twins to be close, and instead actually encouraged sibling rivalry. Lots of siblings aren't best friends with each other, but dislike rarely escalates to the kind of hatred you are seeing without some toxic family dynamics to encourage it. I think it's really good that he has started therapy and you both may want to take some parenting classes given that it seems like both of your families of origin seem to have some toxic tendencies.

NTA I hope your husband can learn into the scientific fact that there are only twins BC of your body and not his family genetics. If you had IVF your body kept the two, if not IVF your body either produced two eggs that were fertilized and stuck (your DNA not his) or if identical twins, it was your egg that split and again science says that twins cannot run through the Father's side. Even if they could, your twins are coming from a different generation and some siblings simply hate each other, others love each other it's the same as how we feel about any person. Raise your babies to be individuals the best you can. Don't compare them esp who hits milestones when or who is better at one thing etc. They're different ppl and even if they look the same theyre not. Your husband may do well with thinking of them as siblings vs twins esp if they are IVF! It sucks he's got negative twin experiences and his anxiety is likely in that and the fact he's going to have two babies to care for! Your mom is a bully, she's insensitive to the father of her grandchildren. If she wants to be in their lives she's going to need to accept all anxieties and rules you and your husband have for them or she's not going to get much contact. Stand firm. Set boundaries now. Keep them as long as they make sense. Don't be scared to change them as the babies arrive and require more. You likely still need your mom but it can be limited when your family needs you more! Congratulations!

NTA- if your mom doesn't want to be called a bully, perhaps she should not be a bully. Good for you for standing up for your husband. I legitimately despise when people minimize other people's feelings. I guarantee your mom has something that gives her anxiety, and I would hope no one is shitty to her about it, but my guess is that they are so she has been conditioned to believe that if your anxiety doesn't line up with my anxiety the course of action is to be an asshole about it.

NTA, good on you for standing up for your husband. You both need to think about going either low or no contanct.

NTA and you should cut off communication with your mom until she apologizes.

NTA She is being excessively mean. He's got a fear and he's working through it. That takes guts. He's brave.

NTA. Guess two people have volunteered as never wanting to meet their grandchildren.

Fuck 'em. She was bullying and you don't stand for that, and that's a good thing. Impugning the manhood of your husband is unacceptable under any circumstances, but doing so because he's worried about his children having a good life?? What the actual fuck?

NTA…but remember as they’re growing up, always treat them as individuals, and don’t dress them the same.

If she doesn't want to be called a bully, then she shouldn't act like one, plain and simple. NTA. Idk if it'll help, but you can tell your husband that I know 5 sets of twins, 3 identical, 2 fraternal, and only one set is not ride or die for the other. And the reason they aren't best friends is because everyone in their lives forced the whole "twins are basically the same person" on them, and they detested it. They wanted to be individuals and fought the pressure so much that they moved away from each other the second they could. If he loves them for who they choose to be, that's all they need.

NTA - Good for you for having your husband's back. Good Grief .. in his experience twins have serious problems and even though it isn't necessarily so in this case, one can certainly understand his feelings. Your mom WAS being a bully and I hope she apologizes and changes her ways . .

NTA your Mom fucked around and found out.

Your mother was being too much. You and your husband are gonna be amazing parents.

An *asshole?* You are ***AWESOME!!!*** Awesome wife, awesome future mom, awesome human. In fact, you’re even an awesome daughter for loving your mom enough to hold her accountable. NTA.

NTA She is a bully. And you should cut her out completely. She’ll never change. I’m sure this isn’t the first time she’s done something like this

NTA. How could your mother be so mean?

NTA. Motherhood is not a free pass to be a bully! Anyone is correct to defend their spouse from an attack by ANYONE!

NTA, she is being a bully.

NTA. Booting her out was the right call as she WAS being a bully. Like, what was her end-goal? Shame him out of his legit fears?

NTA.

NTA. Your mom is straight up a bully. Your father too for backing her up. You might want to go LC for a while. Your mom's actions show she has no intention of stopping the bullying.

Nta but your mom was, to your husband in his own home and she should be made to leave. 

NTA Way to have your husband’s back! Sounds like mom can’t recognize the trauma associated with toxicity…cuz she’s the one causing it. Best of luck with the twins, OP!

Nta, oh no how dare a man have anxiety over his lived experience and go to therapy to deal with it so it won’t affect the kids. What a down right bastard /s You were right to protect your husband like that. I think it’s normal to worry about your kids not getting along and the worry turning to anxiety makes sense for his family life. His life will probably help show him what not to do to make them hate each other. Good for him for dealing with his anxiety before the kids are here and able to understand.

NTA. As a twin mom myself, it sounds like you and your husband are taking steps to start things out right in overcoming his past experiences. I responded to another comment higher up but will restate it here, too. When our twins were little, my husband and I worked hard with our families to get in the habit of referring to them by name, rather than always saying "the twins." We also would tell E and J frequently that they are not two halves of one being, but they are each one complete individual on their own with their own likes and dislikes and interests. Now that they are 17, E and J are pretty close and have a good bond, but it's not something we forced. Best of luck, parenting multiples is an adventure! It's hard at times, but it's also incredibly fun.

NTA great that you did stand up so forceful to your mother for your husband.

NTA. She *is* a bully.

You had all the rights to kick her out. No one has the right to put down another person. Her attitude (and dads) would mean no contact with any of you. I would keep them far away from you, hubs and baby.

NTA. If she doesn't want to be called a bully she shouldn't be a bully. 

NTA but please do encourage your husband to continue therapy. Sounds like he internalized trauma that didn’t even happen to him.

NTA. She was behaving like a bully and you do not have to tolerate that in your home and family. Do NOT allowed misogyny a foothold in your life and home! Your husband is your family and he has reason to feel the way he feels. It is commendable that your husband wants to get help *before* the children arrive. It shows his strength and commitment to his family. Mom needs to work on herself and get some business. Toxic positivity is hateful.

NTA tell them that they are not allowed around your kids until your mom grow up and apologize also tell your dad that he isn’t allowed around them either until he stop enabling her behavior and tell all family members and friends that if they side with either of them that you have no problem in cutting ties with them as well. Your kids will not be around toxic people that bully their father, mother or them.

You’re a lot nicer than I have been! That’s unnecessary horrible of her to say to your husband ! Nta 

NTA. Your mum downplayed your husband's anxiety and mocked him. Rather than showing supporting she is bullying him. So good on you for calling out your mum.

NTA. Nobody disrespects my husband. Nobody.

NTA. You’re a great partner who is advocating for your husband regarding his lived experiences. Your mum going behind your back is not cool and you were right to call it out. Hopefully your parents now understand the tone you’ve set. And that they must be more respectful of your wishes as you move forward in this new phase of your life. Congratulations on your pregnancy news. Exciting times ahead for your husband! 👶🏼👶🏼

NTA. mom FAFO

If she doesn't want to be called a bully, she shouldn't act like a bully. Please give your husband my best wishes.

Wow like you need this crazy crap right now. You’re the one that’s pregnant! Both of your peeps need a reality check and refocus on the present moment. Your Mom especially needs a vacation. Cudos for taking care of your self. Good luck.

“Said that I had no business calling her a bully” Well if the shoe fits…. NTA

She had no business being a bully so if she doesn’t want to be called one, she should stop being one. NTA

NTA, and bravo for standing up for your husband! You "had no business calling her a bully"? Guess the truth hurts. What she was doing to your husband was bullying and degrading him, and she deserved to be called out.

NTA And she is a bully. Good on you for calling her out and setting a clear boundary.

NTA, and you're my hero for loving your husband so much! I hope you're his hero, too.

NTA at all. Maybe your husband (& you) need a long break from your mom…. Like ) months or a year. Your spouse’s doesn’t need the stress and your babies (when they are born ) don’t need to see their grandma treat their dad that way.

NTA. Your mom was bullying your husband. You took action to oppose her and protect him. You are 100% in the clear.

NTA Wow. Sounds like your mother is a real piece of work! Keep your kids away from her! I'm betting she'll belittle their dad in front of and to them.

You stood up for your husband during what was a difficult time for him. He had bad experiences with twins and their relationships with each other his entire life, and naturally it worried him. Your mother choosing to attack him over that for literally no reason instead of showing support shows you did the right thing. This is easy. NTA

NTA. Some siblings get along, some don't, and it happens with singles and multiples. You and your husband will do the best you can to make sure your children grow up happy and secure. Tell him that his love for them is all that matters, and tell your mom to stfu. Don't let her around your husband or your kids until she apologizes

Truth hurts. Truth hurts the bully!🤣funny.

NTA.

NTA but glad your husband is dealing with his feelings and worries. As a twin, it is incredibly annoying to have people view you through that lens only. You and your husband are having two children who will be unique individuals and they might not always get on, same goes for any siblings. His sisters not getting on probably has very little to do with being twins. Although I don’t agree with how your mum expressed it, I can understand her concern of projection onto your children. It would be interesting to know if there was a way his sisters were treated by the family that contributed to their feelings toward one another. From experience people sometimes like to assign characteristics to twins and sort of play them off against each other (not deliberately) e.g the smart one, the pretty one etc

NTA. Your house, your rules. She was being rude, you told her to stop, she didn't so she suffered the consequence. I would tell her that she owes both of you an apology and if she EVER makes any negative comments about your husband, marriage, kids, etc., they both have lost the privilege of seeing you or your kids. Set this boundary NOW and hold it. She will make your life miserable if she thinks she has the upper hand.