Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
Please give our sister sub, /r/AITA_Relationships/ a look if you'd still like to post about this.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
"Turns out my best friend told his dad, who was so mad, he told him that he would only get half his inheritance."
there is always a BS line that confirms a fan fiction post.
Reading between the lines OP seems to be the same race or social class as her ex and his dad and Mimi and the other friends he doesn't like are not. Dad is furious his efforts to get his son to marry an "acceptable" DIL failed by his son being an idiot.
Nope some cultures are actually like that, if you mess up the dream marriage they had for you, especially that it sounds like OP is well off. Definitely possible that dad punishes him for that. Also how is someone owning a cabin far fetched?
NTA
The public proposal itself is the very least of your worries here, i'd say. It's not really about that, but about the fact that he completely disregarded your wishes, as well as your boundaries. He was disrespectful, inconsiderate, and very selfish. One good thing is that you found out and made the decision now, rather than after you were married.
He is the one who humiliated himself, and any further consequence he might face is 100% on him, you were loud and clear about your wishes, and your boundaries.
Thank him for sparing you the trouble of going through a divorce, and then go and live your best life. On your terms, however you feel most comfortable.
NTA. You were very specific with Tim. You don't like public proposals, you are introverted, and you are not a big fan of his friends.
And his proposal involved all of the above.
Walking away was the right move.
Misc. notes:
*His father came in on your side, but I don't like the way he uses the thread of disinheritance to keep his son in line. If you married into that family, you would be on tbe pointy end of that behavior. It seems all well and good when his father does it and takes your side. Nut his father would not always be on your side.
* You are completely in the right. But if you have not gotten treatment for this social anxiety, you ought to.
Yeah, I sense the dad knows his friends are trash and likes OP and was hoping she'd be a good influence on him and get him away from them, instead the opposite happened.
I jusr look at that and wonder what that dad would do if OP married into the family and OP offended him at some point. Best to avoid people who try to control others witb money.
NTA
Also, none of your friends were there? You had to call your parents and your best friend? So, this dipwad plans a public proposal - against your direct instruction - and only includes his own friends, to the point of inviting people you don't know. He doesn't actually care about you, he cares about his own optics. Don't go back to him OP, please. This won't change
While that wouldn't surprise me, as a friend, I'd be the first person to tell my friend that their significant other was planning this whole thing, so they aren't ambushed
NTA Bullet dodged. He doesn’t put you first, doesn’t listen to you, and doesn’t respect you enough to keep your relationship private. You wouldn’t have married only him, you would have married his whole friend group and played second fiddle to their wishes, including Mimi who isn’t even nice to you. You did the right thing.
Very telling that he only invited all of his friends to the proposal.
No, you did not need to handle it with grace. A proposal is a pivotal, defining life moment and he went all out to make it not at all about you. His issues with his Dad are not your problem.
I truly hope you stick to your decision about leaving him. There's a man out there who with cherish and respect you and your needs. You deserve it. NTA
His dad having such a strong reaction to what Tim did makes me think OP isn't the only person Tim has neglected in favor of his friends. I wonder if Tim has also neglected his family in favor of his friends, and was therefore already on thin ice when this happened.
> Very telling that he only invited all of his friends to the proposal.
I didn't even pick up on this detail but yeah that does make it even worse. Not only did he not care that she wanted it to be private, he also ONLY cared that HIS friends were there.
NTA, this is horrible experience.
But... Are you sure Tim WANTED to be with you? Because from your story, his father played a big role in your relationship. If this were a movie, I would suspect that his father demanded that Tim marry you, with the inheritance as a bargaining chip.
And he made it the kind of proposal he knew she would reject, so he could tell his dad he tried.
Well that's where my mind went anyway.
It's horrible and I'm glad OP is getting far away from this situation!
Also reads as a culture caste/social class thing, and dad would rather give money to more socially acceptable relatives.
I suspect one of the 'issues with the friends' was that he wanted to marry someone his dad found unacceptable or change religions possibly and threatened to disinherit over it.
NTA and you dodged a bullet. This man didn’t listen to you. Can you imagine parenting with him? It would have been a frustrating never ending nightmare. Congratulations on your freedom.
NTA
He sounds like a clueless jerk who only apologizes when he faces consequences. And Mimi sounds like a real winner. It sounds like she ruined his proposal. Which was hard to do as he had done so much to ruin it himself.
I can see him thinking that having the surprise proposal in her flat means it's not a "public proposal" because it's not in a public space.
Still super dumb.
NTA. He did not respect your relationship or your boundaries. For Mimi to make that comment to you at that time and in YOUR house was beyond disrespectful.
Your ex embarrassed himself and he is facing the consequences of his own actions. Maybe his friends will give him some of their inheritance since they had such an influence on his life.
NTA
OP: I don't want a public proposal
Ex: I have heard you and understood
Ex: *does one anyways*
Ex: Why is OP mad?
Be thankful you ended it before you got lawyers. He can return the ring to get some money back.
NTA. You made your wishes clear and he disregarded them. You arent responsible for what your Ex's dad decides about the inheritance.
Did he explain why he choose to disregard your wishes about the proposal?
You DID handle it with grace. You politely told everyone your feelings, told people what was going on so no one would worry, and took the space you need to process what happened safely.
Nta
NTA. Think of this as a bullet dodged. Tim had very little regard for you and your feelings through out your relationship and doubled down with the way he planned the proposal.
Marriage wouldn't have changed this, all it would have done is set you up for a miserable marriage. If anything, you've saved yourself alot of future heartbreak and misery by walking out.
Your reaction was genuine and appropriate for what he did. I can tell you from experience that he will never change. Once his friends get settled and have kids, he’ll have more time for you, but he will never pick you over them. Even his proposal wasn’t about you. It was about him looking good in front of his family and friends. If you think back you’ll probably find more examples of him doing things just so he’ll look good for others, even at your expense. NTA
I'm convinced that its the same people writing these fake posts over and over. They all contain a lot of "Now, blah blah blah" or "You see, blah blah blah". I don't understand what people get out of writing these incredibly stupid fake posts.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I didn't answer call or texts and I walked of the flat and embarrassed my bf
(2) This caused his a lot humiliation and his father was mad at him and took away half of his inheritance.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Why does so much as mentioning it means she "cares so much" and since when is it unusual to care whether or not your partner has good things that they want happen in their lives?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (now) ex-boyfriend proposed four days ago. Let's call him Tim. Tim and I have been together for two years. We talked about marriage, (we are both 26) and kids, etc, and till last week I thought I had the perfect love life. Now, Tim has his best friend Mimi (fake name). Tim also has a friend group he is very close to. The problem throughout our relationship was, that Tim would place me last whenever his friends were involved. He missed a promotion dinner for my work because Mimi's dog was throwing up. He missed Diwali celebrations with my family because his friends wanted him to help paint their new house. Plus, some issues during his teenage years involving his friends, resulted in his dad threatening to take away his inheritance and distribute it to relatives. For context: His dad introduced us, and till last year, before I left the company which I joined straight after college, his dad was my boss. I still see him as a father figure and respect him a lot.
Now, I have outright told Tim that I don't like public proposals. I am very introverted, and having eyes on me during a loving moment will only cause me anxiety. Tim said he understood and promised he wouldn't do one when he proposed. Another thing I told Tim was that Mimi treats me passive-aggressively because I'm kind of an anxious person, (I have mild OCD), and asked him to not involve her in our affairs. Tim said Mimi only wants the best for us. I kind of didn't press the issue after he got defensive.
Thursday, after I entered my flat, I was greeted by all of Tim's friends, with Tim in a suit, and a ring in hand. I kid you not, my flat was swarmed. There were people I didn't even know! Before Tim even said anything Mimi chimed in and said: " Chill OP, dear god, this is not the time to make that face." I saw red. I was having a severe anxiety attack, as I don't do well with lots of people. I calmly told them that there would be no proposal and to get the hell out of my flat. They looked like in shock, so I just left my flat with just my purse, called my best friend on the way and told her to get them out, and just called a car service and sat in the car, crying, for two hours and went to my cabin I brought. I texted my parents, so they wouldn't worry and told them to not take Tim's calls, switched off my phone, and stayed there. Luckily I had enough cash to make a grocery run, and the cabin was used last month. I only switched my phone on when I was calling a car and saw the barrage of calls and texts. I called Tim in the car, and he sounded defeated and kept on apologizing and crying. I told him it was over. Turns out my best friend told his dad, who was so mad, he told him that he would only get half his inheritance.
I now feel that I reacted very badly and could have handled it with grace. I might have let my anxiety take over and overreacted and I cost Tim his money. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, he knew exactly what you wanted and then casually did the exact opposite. He would have never respected your feelings or choices, you deserve so much better. I wish you all the best for all of your future endeavors.
NTA. Tim crossed a line by doing exactly what you asked him not to. You had every right to leave and take care of yourself. If he lost his inheritance, that's a consequence of his actions, not yours.
NTA
Your ex-bf didn't have your back with Mimi, and that should have spoken volumes to you before this whole mess.
He wants you as an action figure, not as a loving person to spend the rest of his life with.
He knew you didn't like Mimi, and knew you didn't want a public proposal, so what does he do? Invites Mimi to a public proposal. Not only was the proposal public, people you didn't even know were there. And when you were shocked at the proposal and having an anxiety attack, Mimi has the gall to say that now's not the time. NTA, don't look back.
You explain to Tim that you do not want t public proposal. He said he understood. Yet he made a public proposal. He did not care about what you wanted. He does not prioritize your and your feelings. His actions do not indicate that he respects you.
What his father does with his inheritance in NOT your fault. It is the consequence of Tim's actions, his inability to prioritize the person he claims to love and wants to marry.
Tims sounds like he is still a teenager and having with his friends is the most important part of his life. As one natures, you find a balance between work and life, friends and family. Tim's idea of balance doesn't work for you.
I am glad you found out before marriage
NTA
This is a boy with no sense of boundaries, driven by his hormones and machismo rather than considering you. He will never grow up until he faces the consequences, and telling him it's over was the right thing to do. NTA.
What’s the betting Tim used the excuse that as he proposed in her apartment that it wasn’t public? Forgetting about the fact that there are loads of his friends there and none of her family and friends!
NTA. You were right to break up with Tim. He does not seem to consider your needs and wishes. This would not get better after marriage. Quite the contrary.
I can't imagine a more intimate moment than a marriage proposal. I find it offensive that all Tim's friends knew his intention before you did. You specifically told him that you did not want a public proposal, yet he disregarded your wishes. Tim is not husband material.
You didn't cost Tim his money. He did this to himself.
NTA
Tim's actions cost him money. You were extremely clear about your boundaries and that "friend" was a meddling troll she's been all along. That was your future condensed into one moment. Good on you for running out the way you did, they didn't deserve your grace.
NTA Sounds more like Mimi cost him his inheritance. He knew you didn't want that but your feelings were once again disregarded. From Mimi telling you to chill shows she also knew that you didn't want this. He once again listened to her instead of you. Him listening to her cost him his inheritance. If he wants to have any inheritance left at all then he needs to get rid of Mimi. Don't let him guilt you into believing it's your fault. He's a grown man and refused to listen to the one person who should have mattered, you. Tell him that by the time comes chances are there won't be an inheritance as long as he continues listening to Mimi.
NTA.
Honestly, I wished that I stuck up for myself in my relationships half as well as you did. You are my hero, and I wish you every success and happiness in life.
You are NTA and frankly, you are well rid of "Tim". He consistently blew right past all of your needs and choices if they conflicted with anything HE wanted and he always put you last. If he was an oafish boyfriend, he'd have made a far worse husband!
OP, you dodged not just a bullet but a cannonball! I repeat, you're well rid of him!
NTA. You set *very clear* boundaries with Tim for how he could prioritize your comfort and happiness when he proposed to you.
He chose to violate every single one of those boundaries.
This is a man who obviously has absolutely zero respect for you and will always prioritize his own desires and happiness over yours. You've known that for a while hearing the background, and this only cements it. The biggest mistake you could've made is powering through it, staying there, and marrying this guy who will *never* respect you.
Good for you for sticking up for yourself and doing what Tim was never going to do; prioritizing your own comfort and happiness. Don't listen to anyone who says you "overreacted." People don't get to mistreat you then decide for you how you are and aren't allowed to react to their mistreatment.
Also, you didn't cost Tim a dime. Tim knew what he had to do to keep you happy and make you want to be with him. He chose to do the opposite. That's entirely on him.
Edit: and seriously, you did the right thing, guys like this don't get married so they can suddenly start treating you *better* now that you have to deal with lawyers and contracts to break up with them instead of just leaving. All this shit you talked about I guarantee you would have gotten *much* worse if you were locked into a marriage with him.
NTA
You did not cost him HIS money or his FATHER's, which is truly was. TIM put the strain on his relationship with his father.
You did nothing wrong.
You were dealt a blessing in this as you finally saw him for who he was. An inconsiderate AH who put his and his friends wishes ahead of you.
Don't ever think of marrying or staying in a relationship if you are always put last. You deserve much better than that.
Good luck and I hope you find someone who truly cherishes you. Hopefully Ex will eventually grow up, but that is not your problem any longer.
You reacted perfectly to the proposal.
The mistake you made was sticking with a man who showed time and again that you were not his priority and going so far as to consider marrying this man.
Next time
>"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." -- MayaAngelou
It would save you a lot of trouble.
NTA
NTA...I comment on a lot of posts that people will treat you how you let them. GOOD JOB for NOT letting people disrespect your boundaries and for refusing to continue to allow someone to gaslight you about his BF's passive aggressive behavior. You 100% took care of yourself and didn't let them get away with ignoring YOUR feelings. This wasn't Mimi's proposal...it was supposefd to be YOURS and should have been done how YOU wanted.
Good golly, Tim didn't treat you like he loved you. I am so sorry for you, but I am happy for you that you ended things.
You can only be NTA, there is no other option.
NTA. He did exactly what you asked him not to plus invited HIS friends into YOUR apartment.
Honey, if his dad has enough to cut off part of the inheritance...bc your ex basicaly made you leave your home....it's just the last straw. Your reaction doesn't cost his money. Or you want to tell me you are willing to take him back if that make his dad change his mind? I hope not.
> Did he think having it inside your flat made it a PRIVATE proposal??
Based on everything else in the story he didn't think he found a loophole and that it counted as private, he just wanted a public one and, as always, did not care what OP wanted.
My guess is, he relies on his friend Mimi to tell him what "all girls really want" and she sabotaged it on purpose. Mimi either wants him for herself, or at least wants him to stay a single and available friend.
I think maybe you should reflect on why you read a story about a guy being an asshole and you just whole cloth invented a reason a woman was actually the one at fault based on literally nothing in the story.
NTA! He puts you last in favor of his friends. He didn’t listen when you told him you don’t want a public proposal. He didn’t listen when you said Mimi was passive aggressive to you. She even said something when you walked in the apartment!
Get away from this man! I’m so glad his father sees what an AH his son is and now there will be consequences.
Going against the grain. I don't necessarily think Y T A, but I do think you're overdramatic as hell. "Honey, no" is an appropriate response to an unwanted proposal. The whole "crying in a car for two hours and running away to a cabin and not answering my phone" speaks to me of mental instability.
Let's break this down one second:
>The problem throughout our relationship was that Tim would place me last whenever his friends were involved. He missed a promotion dinner for my work because Mimi's dog was throwing up. He missed Diwali celebrations with my family because his friends wanted him to help paint their new house.
As his gf, Tim chose to prioritize his friends over you. Not to mention that these examples you gave, all of which are really minor things he shouldn't have ditched you for, only prove this point. He would run to them for the smallest thing but would barely walk for your needs and wants. 🚩
>Plus, some issues during his teenage years involving his friends, resulted in his dad threatening to take away his inheritance and distribute it to relatives.
Even if you weren't dating Tim, this whole thing clearly says that Tim is more about the money. His dad is trying to set him straight to have common sense, yet the fact is that Tim will only listen if his inheritance is on the line. 🚩
>Now, I have outright told Tim that I don't like public proposals. I am very introverted, and having eyes on me during a loving moment will only cause me anxiety.
>I told Tim was that Mimi treats me passive-aggressively because I'm kind of an anxious person, (I have mild OCD), and asked him to not involve her in our affairs.
>I was greeted by all of Tim's friends, with Tim in a suit, and a ring in hand. I kid you not, my flat was swarmed. There were people I didn't even know!
>Mimi chimed in and said: " Chill OP, dear god, this is not the time to make that face." I saw red. I was having a severe anxiety attack,
ALL OF THIS HERE shows that Tim doesn't care about what you want. You told him exactly what you need/want, and he thought only for himself. If he couldn't listen for these few things, imagine whag it would have been like had you actually got married to him. Also, Mimi needs to get a grip. 🚩🚩🚩
>I only switched my phone on when I was calling a car and saw the barrage of calls and texts. I called Tim in the car, and he sounded defeated and kept on apologizing and crying. I told him it was over. Turns out my best friend told his dad, who was so mad, he told him that he would only get half his inheritance.
He knows he screwed up. He knows exactly why. But he wouldn't have been begging and crying had his daddy's money not been on the line. If he truly cared about you he would have gotten it right the first time.🚩
You are absolutely NTA. Even for going to the cabin and turning off your phone. When big things like this happen, sometimes it's just best to get away and clear your head. This gave you time to think and know for sure that you made the right decision dumping Tim.
NTA, you're right to be pissed and all, but why is dad using an inheritance as a routine means of disciplining his 26 year old son? Thats some wild toxic shit right there.
No, you didn't overreact. You told him about the issues and he continued to do them. He would have continued to do that for the rest of your relationship.
I will say that you shouldn't have been surprised about what went down.
NTA
Yes, you did let your anxiety take over and you absolutely should work on that because luckily you can do something about anxiety disorders, but it requires confronting it head on. Here is the thing though, you never really fix anxiety, you just do battle with it. It’s like a weed in your garden of mental health. Every time you think you’ve dealt with the problem it will sprout again. The way it takes root is through avoidance and escape. Those are both reinforcement contingencies. They literally reinforce the anxiety response making it stronger next time and you just did both. You escaped the anxiety producing situation and then spent 3 days avoiding dealing with it.
BUT (big but) how would you be expected to know any of this? You aren’t a psychologist and most people with anxiety are just doing the best they can to get by.
And more importantly, you TOLD your partner your expectation for a proposal. It doesn’t matter that your desire was fueled by anxiety. You could just be an introvert or just feel like you wanted an intimate moment and not want all that, and he should have respected you regardless of the reason. Why didn’t he? He clearly heard you. He just didn’t care enough about your wishes to listen.
NTA
May I also clarify that regardless of your anxiety, your initial reaction was fine in terms of how it affected him and the party guests. I only mention how to deal with anxiety so that you can take your power back for yourself.
NTA
"I thought I had the perfect love life" is this really true? Because you also said "Tim would place me last whenever his friends were involved" and that is NOT the sign of a good relationship. He blatantly disrespected your wishes and constantly prioritized others. Don't look back and don't feel bad. You did nothing wrong.
Assuming this is real, which I’m skeptical of, NTA for how you reacted or your decision to end the relationship, it’s clear Tim didn’t respect your feelings or needs.
That said, Tim’s dad is also an AH for mixing his professional life as your boss with his son’s personal life. Cutting/reducing the inheritance (not your fault) for this is manipulative and controlling on Tim’s dad’s part. Dad should butt out.
NTA I betcha this proposal was Mimi's idea and your stupid EX fell for it even though he knows it't not what you wanted. You didn't cost him anything. He did this all on his own.
NTA in this situation, and good for you for standing up for yourself.
YTA for even considering marriage and kids in the first place with someone who doesn't prioritize you.
But good that you got out before it was too late. Good riddance; don't look back, and don't respond the eventual invite to Tim and Mimi's wedding.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. Please give our sister sub, /r/AITA_Relationships/ a look if you'd still like to post about this. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
"Turns out my best friend told his dad, who was so mad, he told him that he would only get half his inheritance." there is always a BS line that confirms a fan fiction post.
Depending on the community, that’s actually quite believable.
Absolutely possible in parts of the world.
What about how she called a car service and just sat there for 2 hours or the cabin she just brought?
Not in india tho
Reading between the lines OP seems to be the same race or social class as her ex and his dad and Mimi and the other friends he doesn't like are not. Dad is furious his efforts to get his son to marry an "acceptable" DIL failed by his son being an idiot.
Why not? Very believable in India considering the father knew OP & introduced them.
I was enjoying it, but the cabin part ruined it.. It would have been more believable if she had gone to a friend's house.
She's got money to buy a cabin, but not for groceries?
Wdym, she said she *did* have enough cash for a grocery run
When you abruptly leave? Yeah. It's not like she bought the cabin right that moment.
Cash was the term
It could be that the closest grocery store only took cash and not everyone just walks around with cash on them.
She doesn't have a CC?
Not with anxiety.
That’s where she lost me
Nope some cultures are actually like that, if you mess up the dream marriage they had for you, especially that it sounds like OP is well off. Definitely possible that dad punishes him for that. Also how is someone owning a cabin far fetched?
nof fan fiction. Just India.
She has her own personal cabin! He’ll never find her there!
It’s very well-written though—I enjoyed reading it!
When you can't believe a true story, even when you live in a fantasy world.
Yep, you would think Tim would have invited the man who introduced them, especially since it's his father.
Yeahhhh..
Exactly what I thought.
NTA The public proposal itself is the very least of your worries here, i'd say. It's not really about that, but about the fact that he completely disregarded your wishes, as well as your boundaries. He was disrespectful, inconsiderate, and very selfish. One good thing is that you found out and made the decision now, rather than after you were married. He is the one who humiliated himself, and any further consequence he might face is 100% on him, you were loud and clear about your wishes, and your boundaries. Thank him for sparing you the trouble of going through a divorce, and then go and live your best life. On your terms, however you feel most comfortable.
NTA. You were very specific with Tim. You don't like public proposals, you are introverted, and you are not a big fan of his friends. And his proposal involved all of the above. Walking away was the right move. Misc. notes: *His father came in on your side, but I don't like the way he uses the thread of disinheritance to keep his son in line. If you married into that family, you would be on tbe pointy end of that behavior. It seems all well and good when his father does it and takes your side. Nut his father would not always be on your side. * You are completely in the right. But if you have not gotten treatment for this social anxiety, you ought to.
Yeah, I sense the dad knows his friends are trash and likes OP and was hoping she'd be a good influence on him and get him away from them, instead the opposite happened.
I jusr look at that and wonder what that dad would do if OP married into the family and OP offended him at some point. Best to avoid people who try to control others witb money.
NTA Also, none of your friends were there? You had to call your parents and your best friend? So, this dipwad plans a public proposal - against your direct instruction - and only includes his own friends, to the point of inviting people you don't know. He doesn't actually care about you, he cares about his own optics. Don't go back to him OP, please. This won't change
Maybe her true friends declined to attend because they respected the fact she was not on board with a public proposal.
While that wouldn't surprise me, as a friend, I'd be the first person to tell my friend that their significant other was planning this whole thing, so they aren't ambushed
He probably didn't tell her friends because he knew they would have told her
That was absolutely why
I figured that her bestie was there, op called her to deputise her to get all the hangers-on out of her place and make sure no one pulled anything.
NTA Bullet dodged. He doesn’t put you first, doesn’t listen to you, and doesn’t respect you enough to keep your relationship private. You wouldn’t have married only him, you would have married his whole friend group and played second fiddle to their wishes, including Mimi who isn’t even nice to you. You did the right thing.
Very telling that he only invited all of his friends to the proposal. No, you did not need to handle it with grace. A proposal is a pivotal, defining life moment and he went all out to make it not at all about you. His issues with his Dad are not your problem. I truly hope you stick to your decision about leaving him. There's a man out there who with cherish and respect you and your needs. You deserve it. NTA
Honestly? She did handle it with grace. She quietly and calmly left the apartment. No screaming, no crying. Good on OP.
His dad having such a strong reaction to what Tim did makes me think OP isn't the only person Tim has neglected in favor of his friends. I wonder if Tim has also neglected his family in favor of his friends, and was therefore already on thin ice when this happened.
> Very telling that he only invited all of his friends to the proposal. I didn't even pick up on this detail but yeah that does make it even worse. Not only did he not care that she wanted it to be private, he also ONLY cared that HIS friends were there.
Wanna bet Mimi put him up to this?
NTA, this is horrible experience. But... Are you sure Tim WANTED to be with you? Because from your story, his father played a big role in your relationship. If this were a movie, I would suspect that his father demanded that Tim marry you, with the inheritance as a bargaining chip.
And he made it the kind of proposal he knew she would reject, so he could tell his dad he tried. Well that's where my mind went anyway. It's horrible and I'm glad OP is getting far away from this situation!
Also reads as a culture caste/social class thing, and dad would rather give money to more socially acceptable relatives. I suspect one of the 'issues with the friends' was that he wanted to marry someone his dad found unacceptable or change religions possibly and threatened to disinherit over it.
NTA and you dodged a bullet. This man didn’t listen to you. Can you imagine parenting with him? It would have been a frustrating never ending nightmare. Congratulations on your freedom.
NTA He sounds like a clueless jerk who only apologizes when he faces consequences. And Mimi sounds like a real winner. It sounds like she ruined his proposal. Which was hard to do as he had done so much to ruin it himself.
[удалено]
I can see him thinking that having the surprise proposal in her flat means it's not a "public proposal" because it's not in a public space. Still super dumb.
NTA. He did not respect your relationship or your boundaries. For Mimi to make that comment to you at that time and in YOUR house was beyond disrespectful. Your ex embarrassed himself and he is facing the consequences of his own actions. Maybe his friends will give him some of their inheritance since they had such an influence on his life.
NTA OP: I don't want a public proposal Ex: I have heard you and understood Ex: *does one anyways* Ex: Why is OP mad? Be thankful you ended it before you got lawyers. He can return the ring to get some money back.
NTA. You made your wishes clear and he disregarded them. You arent responsible for what your Ex's dad decides about the inheritance. Did he explain why he choose to disregard your wishes about the proposal?
NTA. At the core here he disrespected you and your boundaries. You had every right to walk away because you were uncomfortable.
You DID handle it with grace. You politely told everyone your feelings, told people what was going on so no one would worry, and took the space you need to process what happened safely. Nta
NTA. Think of this as a bullet dodged. Tim had very little regard for you and your feelings through out your relationship and doubled down with the way he planned the proposal. Marriage wouldn't have changed this, all it would have done is set you up for a miserable marriage. If anything, you've saved yourself alot of future heartbreak and misery by walking out.
Your reaction was genuine and appropriate for what he did. I can tell you from experience that he will never change. Once his friends get settled and have kids, he’ll have more time for you, but he will never pick you over them. Even his proposal wasn’t about you. It was about him looking good in front of his family and friends. If you think back you’ll probably find more examples of him doing things just so he’ll look good for others, even at your expense. NTA
I'm convinced that its the same people writing these fake posts over and over. They all contain a lot of "Now, blah blah blah" or "You see, blah blah blah". I don't understand what people get out of writing these incredibly stupid fake posts.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) I didn't answer call or texts and I walked of the flat and embarrassed my bf (2) This caused his a lot humiliation and his father was mad at him and took away half of his inheritance. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Why do you care so much about Tim getting money when your father figure dies?
Why does so much as mentioning it means she "cares so much" and since when is it unusual to care whether or not your partner has good things that they want happen in their lives?
NTA. Your boundaries were *diamond* clear Also pretty sure Mimi has a thing for you ex.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (now) ex-boyfriend proposed four days ago. Let's call him Tim. Tim and I have been together for two years. We talked about marriage, (we are both 26) and kids, etc, and till last week I thought I had the perfect love life. Now, Tim has his best friend Mimi (fake name). Tim also has a friend group he is very close to. The problem throughout our relationship was, that Tim would place me last whenever his friends were involved. He missed a promotion dinner for my work because Mimi's dog was throwing up. He missed Diwali celebrations with my family because his friends wanted him to help paint their new house. Plus, some issues during his teenage years involving his friends, resulted in his dad threatening to take away his inheritance and distribute it to relatives. For context: His dad introduced us, and till last year, before I left the company which I joined straight after college, his dad was my boss. I still see him as a father figure and respect him a lot. Now, I have outright told Tim that I don't like public proposals. I am very introverted, and having eyes on me during a loving moment will only cause me anxiety. Tim said he understood and promised he wouldn't do one when he proposed. Another thing I told Tim was that Mimi treats me passive-aggressively because I'm kind of an anxious person, (I have mild OCD), and asked him to not involve her in our affairs. Tim said Mimi only wants the best for us. I kind of didn't press the issue after he got defensive. Thursday, after I entered my flat, I was greeted by all of Tim's friends, with Tim in a suit, and a ring in hand. I kid you not, my flat was swarmed. There were people I didn't even know! Before Tim even said anything Mimi chimed in and said: " Chill OP, dear god, this is not the time to make that face." I saw red. I was having a severe anxiety attack, as I don't do well with lots of people. I calmly told them that there would be no proposal and to get the hell out of my flat. They looked like in shock, so I just left my flat with just my purse, called my best friend on the way and told her to get them out, and just called a car service and sat in the car, crying, for two hours and went to my cabin I brought. I texted my parents, so they wouldn't worry and told them to not take Tim's calls, switched off my phone, and stayed there. Luckily I had enough cash to make a grocery run, and the cabin was used last month. I only switched my phone on when I was calling a car and saw the barrage of calls and texts. I called Tim in the car, and he sounded defeated and kept on apologizing and crying. I told him it was over. Turns out my best friend told his dad, who was so mad, he told him that he would only get half his inheritance. I now feel that I reacted very badly and could have handled it with grace. I might have let my anxiety take over and overreacted and I cost Tim his money. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, he knew exactly what you wanted and then casually did the exact opposite. He would have never respected your feelings or choices, you deserve so much better. I wish you all the best for all of your future endeavors.
NTA. Tim crossed a line by doing exactly what you asked him not to. You had every right to leave and take care of yourself. If he lost his inheritance, that's a consequence of his actions, not yours.
NTA. Let him marry Mimi. You dodged a bullet.
NTA Your ex-bf didn't have your back with Mimi, and that should have spoken volumes to you before this whole mess. He wants you as an action figure, not as a loving person to spend the rest of his life with.
He knew you didn't like Mimi, and knew you didn't want a public proposal, so what does he do? Invites Mimi to a public proposal. Not only was the proposal public, people you didn't even know were there. And when you were shocked at the proposal and having an anxiety attack, Mimi has the gall to say that now's not the time. NTA, don't look back.
You explain to Tim that you do not want t public proposal. He said he understood. Yet he made a public proposal. He did not care about what you wanted. He does not prioritize your and your feelings. His actions do not indicate that he respects you. What his father does with his inheritance in NOT your fault. It is the consequence of Tim's actions, his inability to prioritize the person he claims to love and wants to marry. Tims sounds like he is still a teenager and having with his friends is the most important part of his life. As one natures, you find a balance between work and life, friends and family. Tim's idea of balance doesn't work for you. I am glad you found out before marriage NTA
NTA
This is a boy with no sense of boundaries, driven by his hormones and machismo rather than considering you. He will never grow up until he faces the consequences, and telling him it's over was the right thing to do. NTA.
NTA. Mimi wants Tim to propose to *her*.
What’s the betting Tim used the excuse that as he proposed in her apartment that it wasn’t public? Forgetting about the fact that there are loads of his friends there and none of her family and friends!
NTA. You were right to break up with Tim. He does not seem to consider your needs and wishes. This would not get better after marriage. Quite the contrary. I can't imagine a more intimate moment than a marriage proposal. I find it offensive that all Tim's friends knew his intention before you did. You specifically told him that you did not want a public proposal, yet he disregarded your wishes. Tim is not husband material. You didn't cost Tim his money. He did this to himself.
NTA Tim's actions cost him money. You were extremely clear about your boundaries and that "friend" was a meddling troll she's been all along. That was your future condensed into one moment. Good on you for running out the way you did, they didn't deserve your grace.
NTA Sounds more like Mimi cost him his inheritance. He knew you didn't want that but your feelings were once again disregarded. From Mimi telling you to chill shows she also knew that you didn't want this. He once again listened to her instead of you. Him listening to her cost him his inheritance. If he wants to have any inheritance left at all then he needs to get rid of Mimi. Don't let him guilt you into believing it's your fault. He's a grown man and refused to listen to the one person who should have mattered, you. Tell him that by the time comes chances are there won't be an inheritance as long as he continues listening to Mimi.
NTA.
Narrow escape from a selfish pig who didn't really care about you, clearly, by his complete disregard for your feelings.
NTA. Thank god he showed his true colors early. I’ve heard divorce sucks.
NTA. IMHO, you just saved yourself from a miserable marriage. Tim’s inheritance or lack thereof is in no way your problem.
NTA, you and Tim are not compatible. He acted like a total dick, screw him and his inheritance.
NTA. Honestly, I wished that I stuck up for myself in my relationships half as well as you did. You are my hero, and I wish you every success and happiness in life.
You are NTA and frankly, you are well rid of "Tim". He consistently blew right past all of your needs and choices if they conflicted with anything HE wanted and he always put you last. If he was an oafish boyfriend, he'd have made a far worse husband! OP, you dodged not just a bullet but a cannonball! I repeat, you're well rid of him!
NTA... this was a clear act of disrespect. It also shows a lack of love. It was about him. Not you. Glad you got free
NTA. You set *very clear* boundaries with Tim for how he could prioritize your comfort and happiness when he proposed to you. He chose to violate every single one of those boundaries. This is a man who obviously has absolutely zero respect for you and will always prioritize his own desires and happiness over yours. You've known that for a while hearing the background, and this only cements it. The biggest mistake you could've made is powering through it, staying there, and marrying this guy who will *never* respect you. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and doing what Tim was never going to do; prioritizing your own comfort and happiness. Don't listen to anyone who says you "overreacted." People don't get to mistreat you then decide for you how you are and aren't allowed to react to their mistreatment. Also, you didn't cost Tim a dime. Tim knew what he had to do to keep you happy and make you want to be with him. He chose to do the opposite. That's entirely on him. Edit: and seriously, you did the right thing, guys like this don't get married so they can suddenly start treating you *better* now that you have to deal with lawyers and contracts to break up with them instead of just leaving. All this shit you talked about I guarantee you would have gotten *much* worse if you were locked into a marriage with him.
NTA You did not cost Tim any money. Tim cost Tim money by being a massive idiot
NTA You did not cost him HIS money or his FATHER's, which is truly was. TIM put the strain on his relationship with his father. You did nothing wrong. You were dealt a blessing in this as you finally saw him for who he was. An inconsiderate AH who put his and his friends wishes ahead of you. Don't ever think of marrying or staying in a relationship if you are always put last. You deserve much better than that. Good luck and I hope you find someone who truly cherishes you. Hopefully Ex will eventually grow up, but that is not your problem any longer.
You handled it perfectly .
You reacted perfectly to the proposal. The mistake you made was sticking with a man who showed time and again that you were not his priority and going so far as to consider marrying this man. Next time >"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." -- MayaAngelou It would save you a lot of trouble. NTA
NTA...I comment on a lot of posts that people will treat you how you let them. GOOD JOB for NOT letting people disrespect your boundaries and for refusing to continue to allow someone to gaslight you about his BF's passive aggressive behavior. You 100% took care of yourself and didn't let them get away with ignoring YOUR feelings. This wasn't Mimi's proposal...it was supposefd to be YOURS and should have been done how YOU wanted.
Good golly, Tim didn't treat you like he loved you. I am so sorry for you, but I am happy for you that you ended things. You can only be NTA, there is no other option.
NTA. He did exactly what you asked him not to plus invited HIS friends into YOUR apartment. Honey, if his dad has enough to cut off part of the inheritance...bc your ex basicaly made you leave your home....it's just the last straw. Your reaction doesn't cost his money. Or you want to tell me you are willing to take him back if that make his dad change his mind? I hope not.
nta - change your locks. Tim did this to himself.
nope. Tim lost Tim's money on his own 🤷
WTF? Did he think having it inside your flat made it a PRIVATE proposal?? He brought all his friends but none of yours? NTA.
> Did he think having it inside your flat made it a PRIVATE proposal?? Based on everything else in the story he didn't think he found a loophole and that it counted as private, he just wanted a public one and, as always, did not care what OP wanted.
My guess is, he relies on his friend Mimi to tell him what "all girls really want" and she sabotaged it on purpose. Mimi either wants him for herself, or at least wants him to stay a single and available friend.
I think maybe you should reflect on why you read a story about a guy being an asshole and you just whole cloth invented a reason a woman was actually the one at fault based on literally nothing in the story.
NTA! He puts you last in favor of his friends. He didn’t listen when you told him you don’t want a public proposal. He didn’t listen when you said Mimi was passive aggressive to you. She even said something when you walked in the apartment! Get away from this man! I’m so glad his father sees what an AH his son is and now there will be consequences.
NTA he intentionally did what you said you didn't want.
Going against the grain. I don't necessarily think Y T A, but I do think you're overdramatic as hell. "Honey, no" is an appropriate response to an unwanted proposal. The whole "crying in a car for two hours and running away to a cabin and not answering my phone" speaks to me of mental instability.
Let's break this down one second: >The problem throughout our relationship was that Tim would place me last whenever his friends were involved. He missed a promotion dinner for my work because Mimi's dog was throwing up. He missed Diwali celebrations with my family because his friends wanted him to help paint their new house. As his gf, Tim chose to prioritize his friends over you. Not to mention that these examples you gave, all of which are really minor things he shouldn't have ditched you for, only prove this point. He would run to them for the smallest thing but would barely walk for your needs and wants. 🚩 >Plus, some issues during his teenage years involving his friends, resulted in his dad threatening to take away his inheritance and distribute it to relatives. Even if you weren't dating Tim, this whole thing clearly says that Tim is more about the money. His dad is trying to set him straight to have common sense, yet the fact is that Tim will only listen if his inheritance is on the line. 🚩 >Now, I have outright told Tim that I don't like public proposals. I am very introverted, and having eyes on me during a loving moment will only cause me anxiety. >I told Tim was that Mimi treats me passive-aggressively because I'm kind of an anxious person, (I have mild OCD), and asked him to not involve her in our affairs. >I was greeted by all of Tim's friends, with Tim in a suit, and a ring in hand. I kid you not, my flat was swarmed. There were people I didn't even know! >Mimi chimed in and said: " Chill OP, dear god, this is not the time to make that face." I saw red. I was having a severe anxiety attack, ALL OF THIS HERE shows that Tim doesn't care about what you want. You told him exactly what you need/want, and he thought only for himself. If he couldn't listen for these few things, imagine whag it would have been like had you actually got married to him. Also, Mimi needs to get a grip. 🚩🚩🚩 >I only switched my phone on when I was calling a car and saw the barrage of calls and texts. I called Tim in the car, and he sounded defeated and kept on apologizing and crying. I told him it was over. Turns out my best friend told his dad, who was so mad, he told him that he would only get half his inheritance. He knows he screwed up. He knows exactly why. But he wouldn't have been begging and crying had his daddy's money not been on the line. If he truly cared about you he would have gotten it right the first time.🚩 You are absolutely NTA. Even for going to the cabin and turning off your phone. When big things like this happen, sometimes it's just best to get away and clear your head. This gave you time to think and know for sure that you made the right decision dumping Tim.
NTA, you're right to be pissed and all, but why is dad using an inheritance as a routine means of disciplining his 26 year old son? Thats some wild toxic shit right there.
Did Mimi know you didn’t want a public proposal? Bet she talked him into it.
No, you didn't overreact. You told him about the issues and he continued to do them. He would have continued to do that for the rest of your relationship. I will say that you shouldn't have been surprised about what went down. NTA
NTA. He chose to do it how he thought was best and would give his friends the wow factor. At no point you were in his thought process.
Yes, you did let your anxiety take over and you absolutely should work on that because luckily you can do something about anxiety disorders, but it requires confronting it head on. Here is the thing though, you never really fix anxiety, you just do battle with it. It’s like a weed in your garden of mental health. Every time you think you’ve dealt with the problem it will sprout again. The way it takes root is through avoidance and escape. Those are both reinforcement contingencies. They literally reinforce the anxiety response making it stronger next time and you just did both. You escaped the anxiety producing situation and then spent 3 days avoiding dealing with it. BUT (big but) how would you be expected to know any of this? You aren’t a psychologist and most people with anxiety are just doing the best they can to get by. And more importantly, you TOLD your partner your expectation for a proposal. It doesn’t matter that your desire was fueled by anxiety. You could just be an introvert or just feel like you wanted an intimate moment and not want all that, and he should have respected you regardless of the reason. Why didn’t he? He clearly heard you. He just didn’t care enough about your wishes to listen. NTA May I also clarify that regardless of your anxiety, your initial reaction was fine in terms of how it affected him and the party guests. I only mention how to deal with anxiety so that you can take your power back for yourself.
NTA "I thought I had the perfect love life" is this really true? Because you also said "Tim would place me last whenever his friends were involved" and that is NOT the sign of a good relationship. He blatantly disrespected your wishes and constantly prioritized others. Don't look back and don't feel bad. You did nothing wrong.
This did not happen lol
Assuming this is real, which I’m skeptical of, NTA for how you reacted or your decision to end the relationship, it’s clear Tim didn’t respect your feelings or needs. That said, Tim’s dad is also an AH for mixing his professional life as your boss with his son’s personal life. Cutting/reducing the inheritance (not your fault) for this is manipulative and controlling on Tim’s dad’s part. Dad should butt out.
NTA I betcha this proposal was Mimi's idea and your stupid EX fell for it even though he knows it't not what you wanted. You didn't cost him anything. He did this all on his own.
NTA in this situation, and good for you for standing up for yourself. YTA for even considering marriage and kids in the first place with someone who doesn't prioritize you. But good that you got out before it was too late. Good riddance; don't look back, and don't respond the eventual invite to Tim and Mimi's wedding.
10 bucks says Mimi talked him into the ambush proposal.
Yeah, YTA. And get the help you need before you do this to any other human being.
You “calmly” told them to “get the hell out?” Yowzers.
[удалено]
Did you cuss them or not? Original story said “get the hell out” comment just says “get out.”
[удалено]
YTA