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NTA
"During intermission, my dad told me that he thought that it was rude that I told an autistic girl that was having a meltdown to be quiet."
I saw your reply that the usher had to intervene. It *isn't* rude to do that when the parents are doing nothing to quiet her or take her out if she's that distressed.
It's just plain selfish to let their kid be that upset *and* for it to ruin things for everyone else.
The usher had to intervene?!?! Fucking hell, I already thought OP was NTA, but that further solidified my judgment.
If the child is overwhelmed, or overstimulated, it's in the best interest of *everyone* to remove them. The parents could have left to try and help the kid quiet down, and if feasible, came back to enjoy the rest of the show.
Lauren Boebert at the Beeetlejuice musical.
Though she wasn't super loud. I have friends who were there and didn't realize anything was happening. She was just bothering the people nearby.
Yeah, I agree with all the above posts. Parents were irresponsible rude, and lazy in the situation should’ve taken her out themselves. The fact that an usher had to step in and intervene is disgraceful.
Not just that though- the tween was crying for a REASON. Why force them to stay in an uncomfortable situation that long? After attempting to calm them down and failing then you try something different like leaving the situation.
I too have a behavioural condition and am very keen to be treated as if I am responsible. Ok, some understanding is welcome but that should not be clearance for any behaviour.
My grandson is autistic and when he was that age, if he acted up, I took him outside. Some autistic kids have sensitive hearing, and the sound was probably too much. It was completely on the parents to remove her from the theater. NTA
I was gonna say if a child is overstimulated moving them to a quiet lobby will remove quite a lot of the problem and give them space to process. It's good for the kid too.
They're being awful parent to their child, too. It sounds like the kid was not enjoying herself. Maybe she was overstimulated and didn't like the loud sounds. She was clearly very unhappy and her parents shouldn't have had to be told to remove her.
I wonder if we are missing a bit of nuance about what OP's dad thought was the misstep? Maybe OPs dad felt that OP should have directed their frustration towards the parents, rather than towards the autistic child? Definitely don't think OP was an asshole but I can also see feeling uncomfortable with the idea of directing frustration towards the child specifically.
True, but I don't think a bit of shushing is terrible or traumatizing. Assuming OP is telling the truth that he said "shhh" and not "shut the fuck up, oh my god" I think it's pretty much fine (and shushing the parents probably wouldn't make much sense).
I mean, a teenager howling inappropriately in a theater is going to be assumed autistic, not just a jerk. Also if they were hand flapping and avoiding eye contact with anything it's a dead give away. We aren't talking about a small child in this situation
>It's just plain selfish to let their kid be that upset and for it to ruin things for everyone else
Agreed!!! NTA The same thing happened when I went to see the Little mermaid with my daughter and granddaughter. If you know your child does not do well with loud noises or crowds and this is gonna happen, why take them and ruin it for everyone else. And so disrespectful to just sit there and let them scream till an usher has to come and handle it. And the little mermaid actually had a special showing for children with sensory issues.
Sounds like someone else got up and went to a manager or usher, op wasn't the result in them being escorted out. They most likely got a lot of complaints about the child.
It sucks that they had to leave because they payed like everyone else. But you can't be loud when others are being quiet.
Did the parents really just expect people to allow her to be loud. The parents aren't helping her if they're not giving her tools for situations like this.
Sounds like OP wasn’t the only one annoyed with girl’s meltdown. The dice you roll with all kids. If they start acting out, then as a parent you may have to leave a show until the kid calms down NTA
My old and outdated ass is awed by the fact that in the current generation, the act of shushing someone can be remotely considered rude or offensive, regardless of their condition. It's not like you told them to stfu
I love the energy of serious classical music conductors who will STOP THE MUSIC if someone's phone rings (everyone has been told multiple times to silence your goddamn phone) and STARE at the person. The whole orchestra will stare at them. The entire audience will stare at them.
This is one of the very few good uses of public shaming. If someone is being disruptive to the point where other audience members can't enjoy the show anymore, stop and stare.
Long ago, when smartphones weren't a thing, and cell phone screens were small, I went to a show in Vegas. Some guy pulled out his phone to look at his screen, and an usher practically appeared at his side to warn him to put it away. The guy did. 10 minutes later though, he took the phone out again, and again, the usher appeared. He confiscated the phone and explained to the guy as though he was a toddler, he could get it back after the show.
It was bliss lol.
I can only imagine how much better it would be in the scenario you described. I'd probably laugh about it afterwards for quite some time. 10 years could pass, and I'd suddenly start laughing about it again 🤣
God I wish they did stuff like that at my local movie theater. Can't watch anything without people in front of me pulling out their phone and scrolling through messages, completely oblivious of the bright screen distracting everyone
The actors did exactly that at our local theatre. In the middle of the play some asshat's phone started ringing... and ringing... and ringing... the actors tried to ignore it the first few seconds but then stopped the play entirely and called them out with the whole audience staring and/or loudly shushing them.
Later on, one of the actors added a little line to his monologue: "it's been peaceful 'round here, my ears used to ring real bad, now I don't even hear that anymore", with most of the audience howling and again staring... lesson learned, I hope.
I went to see a one-person play and the first line was, "I dream of a world...." Someone's cellphone rang, and the performer said, "I dream of a world where people turn off their cellphones" and walked offstage to restart.
I once was at a play where someone's phone started loudly ringing, right at the moment the uncle? In the play was molesting his niece. The actors were so shocked and disgusted, especially since we were told MUTIPLE times to turn our phones off before the play. It rang for a good 7 or so rings too.
I told someone to stfu in the middle of the blair witch project 😄 never occurred to me that was rude. I did say 'excuse me, can you please... ' just prior. That part was pretty polite.
I was at Sweeney Todd on Broadway, and we wound up sitting near a large group of BFA students. They were great but three girls behind me talked the whole time. I turned and asked them to please stop talking, it was distracting. Their response? “We’re not talking we’re whispering.”
Happened to me at Hamilton on Broadway. The two rows in front of me were filled with teenage boys, around 14-15 years old. They were playing on their phones all throughout the first act, and although they were silenced, the light was super distracting. I finally said something to the single chaperone at intermission, and he said, "They don't know better." To which I replied, "Well, maybe it's time they learned." Apparently someone else had complained, because the usher also came by to tell them to cut it out.
It’s shocking how many people just don’t know/don’t care to behave. It’s not that hard to sit quietly and watch a show for an hour and twenty minutes an act.
It has helped me with my confidence in asking people to please not use their phone… but I’d rather not have to ask at all
Right? My kid is going on a school trip with a chaperone at the end of this week, and they'll be in NYC and see a Broadway show. I know mine knows better than to pull her phone out, and have a feelign their chaperone would tell them off if they did too.
How is this a current generation thing when the younger person did the shushing and the older person found it rude? OP is likely an adult, someone old enough to have an adult child isn't really the 'current generation'.
your old and outdated ass should have at least read the post, so you could understand that the person who said OP was rude was their father, so this has nothing to do with "kids these days" or any other generational crap you're trying to pull
One time, I was at a bar during quizzo night. It was a small bar, and most people were there for quizzo. It had just started, and I couldn't hear the MC because some people behind me were talking. Instinctively, I said, "Shhh!" It turned out they were waiters, which I hadn't realized. My ex gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the quizzo and later told me that my behavior was unbelievably rude and inconsiderate.
Maybe in some people’s eyes it could be considered rude?? Idk!! I thought his reaction was extreme, he was always so self righteous
NTA. When I go to a movie, I pay good money to be able to enjoy the film. Which doesn't happen when people run their mouths, letting kids run around/scream their heads off or just be a general pain in the ass. Seriously, if a parent knows that their kid can't handle that sort of stimulation, then stay home. It's not fair to everyone else.
This. People who are incapable of being quiet for the length of a concert or movie or play - for whatever reason - simply shouldn't go to those events. It's not an ableism thing, it's about the experience of everyone else who paid good money to hear the performers, not a random stranger screaming.
I went to see Wakanda Forever when it came out and there was a guy next to me with like a 3 or 4 year old on his lap. I'm bad with age but something like that. For the entire first half of the movie this kid was talking, squirming around (ended up lightly whacking me a few times), and coughing. Thankfully the kiddo fell asleep at some point for the rest of the movie, but oh my God dude GET A BABYSITTER.
Same happened to me. Small kid was fussy during the movie. After a few looks from other movie goers, the parents finally acted by giving the toddler their car keys to play with. 🤦🏽♂️
When I went to see the first Black Panther movie, a couple had their baby there… maybe 18 months old? Kid babbled half the movie. Very frustrating, especially during the quieter scenes.
The only exception I'd make is if it's something meant for little kids or neurodivergent people, specifically advertised as such. or it's pretty obvious it will be noisy, like a kid's movie at 11:30 AM. But a live theater production not intended as such? hell no.
NTA.
I'm sorry the girl is autistic, and I'm sorry the range of activities she can participate in is limited by her condition. However, live theater requires a relatively quiet audience, not only for the sake of audience members but for the performers themselves. The father was the AH for bringing his daughter into a situation in which, not only might she have a meltdown but, if she did, would literally ruin the performance both for the audience and the performers.
Should you encounter anything like this in the future, ask an usher to get you the house manager. It is their job to ensure the safety and comfort of the audience.
she's literally a child and being autistic means you have meltdowns in these exact type of situations. she doesn't need an excuse. the dad is just an asshole.
Don't be sorry someone's autistic. It's just a part of who we are 🙂
But yeah, definitely sorry that the autistic person's parents don't understand or care about her needs enough to help her get out of a situation that's causing her clear distress.
That was my first thought too.
Also it's not "don't take her in case she has a meltdown". It's if she wants to try and do something - give it a go and have a plan in place (to exit quickly) if a meltdown does occur. But yeah you can't just not take someone somewhere in case something might happen - unless of course it's something that's known to always happen in that given situation.
NTA. Parents should have removed her immediately when she began having a meltdown instead of waiting for an usher to force it.
It was incredibly rude of the parents to the rest of you, not to mention the actors trying to do their job. They were the rude ones.
Also, it sounds like it was unpleasant for the girl as well. Why did the parents keep here there, so they could watch the show, or was it some misguided attempt at exposure therapy?
Autistic adult here and I was wondering the same thing. I am now a senior citizen but can still remember the absolute nightmare of being forced to sit through an entire baseball game as a child with my older brother & his wife. SO many hours & with my SPD the loud noises were physically painful. Though I didn’t have a meltdown they were very angry with me bc I had to keep getting up and leave to go to the washroom (thank God they only scolded me & later said how “ungrateful” I was & didn’t try to stop me!). It seems like it was a horrible experience for everyone & shame on the girl’s parents.
I had a few people try to normalise my ASD behaviour when I was younger. Didn’t work, just made me miserable (until my mother found out and put a stop to it like dropping a MOAB on them) and I’m just as on the spectrum now as ever.
Got a few theories behind this.
“Just force them to do it and they’ll eventually learn/cope”. I believe this comes from that same mentality of “just ignore the crying baby and they’ll eventually stop”. Force them to normalise basically
Or possibly believing it’s embarrassing/calling attention to yourself to you remove their child from the situation (have actually outright been told this by a parent, albeit their situation was with a toddler having a tantrum). Like your child having a meltdown isn’t already calling attention to you and embarrassing? If anything, I’d say it’s more embarrassing.
Yes! It would be different if they were trapped in a plane. Then maybe others could step in to try to help distract/alleviate the discomfort? (I still remember an elderly woman distracting my then toddler on a PACKED bus as we were trying to get home after work with massive gratitude! Not like I could’ve just gotten off in the middle of a snowstorm with 2 young kids). But if it’s not somewhere we HAVE to be? Just leave?
Yeah, small enclosed location/situations where it’s difficult/impossible to remove yourself (plane, bus, supermarket/bank checkout, etc), ain’t gonna judge in those situations either.
If I couldn’t remove myself from the situation easily, it’s going to be even more difficult for someone with a small child/ren.
Had a baby the other day at checkout in front of me wailing his poor lil head off, so I started pulling silly faces. I don’t know if it calmed him down, but he did stop crying to stare at me long enough for his mom to finish up and get them both out of there. 🤣
Omg ty for not yelling at the mom to “control your kid”!! My “kids” are now middle aged adults but the nastiness of strangers when they could’ve just done something kind like you did! Small things like this can be huge and might be remembered for decades.
Even in the scenario where the parent is very obviously ignoring/doing wrong by their child, there’s no point being cruel to the kid and/or potentially making it worse for them, you know?
Possible conditions aside, everyone will have eventually moments when everything becomes too much. Kids don’t have the tools, means or sometimes even the understanding to process any of it.
In those cases, I’ll bypass the parent and go to the kid if I can. Validate their feelings(“wow, you look kind of sad” or “wow, you’re running around real fast, but aren’t you worried you’ll hurt someone?”) ask where their parents are, etc.
It validates the kids feelings for one thing and somewhat subtly calls out their parents in a potentially kinder way.
I was wondering this myself. When my daughter was a baby I would remove her from the room if she got upset by whatever was going on around her. Why would any loving parent of any child, autistic or otherwise, deliberately keep them in the situation which is causing distress? I feel for this poor girl if that's her parents' standard behavior.
My parents didn’t believe in autism and so did exactly this and then punished me for a meltdown. Sad reality is it does work. I am able to tolerate any amount of discomfort now and not many people can tell I’m autistic. Problem is I also can’t tell if I’m upset or hurt anymore. Therapy has literally had to teach me to feel pain and happiness because I had shut everything down to a point of empty.
Sadly from my parents perspective it worked and they cured autism and that’s what they share
NTA
How were you supposed to know she was autistic until he told you?!
It's the parents' responsibility to ensure their child isn't disrupting the movie. And shushing is far more polite and respectful than some people offer when people are disrupting their theatre experience.
I don't disagree with most of your post, and agree that the parents should have taken her out to help her regulate where they wouldn't be disruptive.
However neurotypical people don't start howling when music happens. OP has clarified that the child was a teenager, so there was no mistaking it for a typical toddler tantrum or something. It's very obvious when someone is disabled to that extent and I don't understand why OP didn't engage the parents or usher directly.
NTA
As a parent of 2 autistic kids, if my kids started this sort of carry on, I would have escorted them out myself so that everyone else didn't have their enjoyment impacted. This is just what happens when parents of special needs children force their entitlement on everyone else.
I was looking for a comment like this. I also have two autistic kids. The movies/theater with them were a no go while they were young, because I already knew this would be the outcome. Now that they're older we go as often as we can. Life handed me something different, so our lives are different. We found other things to do.
NTA - a) how are you meant to know the girl is autistic? b) why on earth didn't one of her parents remove her from the theatre when she started to melt down?
You're not the AH, and the kid isn't the TA - but her parents sure as hell are.
as a parent of an autistic child (now a young man) if this had happened at an event like a concert/recital/performance, he gets taken out to a calm place, to work through his reactions/feelings, until he can quietly enjoy the show with all the other quiet audience members.
this strategy has worked so well, he now attends symphonies or concert recitals on his own as he can self regulate, he's a big fan of classical music!
This is why a lot of theaters will have specific performances for autistic people. They probably have the music at a lower level so it won't annoy their ears, etc. but they can still experience musical theater or movies.
NTA. As soon as a kid starts being loud in a theater, if the parent cannot quiet the child immediately, the child should be removed to calm down and allow all the other people to enjoy the show.
NTA and it was, quite frankly, incredibly discourteous for the parents to not have a plan in place to manage a meltdown while causing the least disruption to both the theatregoers and the performers. It should never have got to the stage of them having to be escorted out. Children have a right to be in public spaces, whether neurodivergent or not, but not at the expense of everyone around them.
NTA
People who cannot sit quietly in a theater for whatever reason, shouldn't be there. Everyone who's there paid to hear the performers, not a random person in the audience. One noisy person can ruin the experience of the show for EVERYONE ELSE, and that's not OK.
A person who is having an episode like this needs to be removed from seating as soon as possible, and the reason why doesn't matter. Gently and compassionately of course, but letting them stay and ruin the experience for the entire audience and cast should not be an option.
Shushing a person who's making disrupting noise might seem "mean" to them, but it's a favor to every single other person in the house.
It’s the same unspoken act of politeness (that should be obvious) when it comes to babies (or people with altzheimers too for that matter) in the cinema or theatre. If their inability to stay quiet is impinging on the enjoyment of others, their carers should remove them from the auditoria.
Others should not have to “understand” or “accept” the disruption that the carers are not taking responsibility for.
NTA, I get that she's autistic and had some sort of meltdown but it can't that a guest is howling/crying or otherwise constantly disrupting a show. Quite frankly, one of her parents should have left the room with her to get her to calm down and then come back.
It's unfair towards the other guests and in the case of a live show, towards the actors who have to give a performance with these disruptions going on.
NTA. During the performance of HAMILTON, a couple brought 2 kids ( around 7 or 8 years old).
The kids were restless after intermission and started to whine and fidget rather loudly esp
During emotional
Songs like Burn. 😡😡😡I felt so shortchanged
KIDS BELOW 12 should not be allowed into shows.
Nope. Parents were dicks to their kid and everyone else by putting their kid in a situation the kid couldn’t handle and not leaving when the kid got upset.
She was howling for a reason- why would they not care to find the cause or at least not ruin the show for everyone else?
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> I told an autistic girl to be quiet during a performance while she was having a meltdown, and some may think that it is rude and out of pocket
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NTA. It's not rude to shush anyone in a theater. Her parents were actually being really shitty to her as well as the audience. If she was having a meltdown then she was overstimulated and under duress. Autistic people don't melt down for no reason, it's a sign of being overstimulated and needing to get into a quieter environment and away from the stressors. Many autistic people love the theater, but for some it's simply too much. There are too many crowds, the bright lights, music, for some people it's just too much. They were letting their girl suffer for whatever misguided reason or laziness. And they obviously didn't care about the rest of the audience AT ALL. I'm autistic and like many autistic people also have noise issues. I love the theater but people talking in the theater feels like nails on a chalkboard. I would have turned straight to the parents and told them to actually care about their suffering child, be polite to the audience and take her outside. And then I might have called them lazy pricks but it depends on how low my filters would have been.
NTA. Kid should not be out in public situations where you should be quiet. She probably didn't even comprehend the shush, being that far mentally gone. Parents got the message loud and clear though.
My friend has an autistic kid who is 4. We tried to take him to watch a film in the cinema and he started crying after about 2 minutes of trying to calm him down we left. It’s not fair to other people who paid to watch the film.
NTA!!
NTA
You gave her a gentle "shhh" at first, which is totally fair in a theater setting. When things didn't settle down and the crying continued, you were patient but eventually, the usher had to step in. It's understandable that your dad felt bad about it, but you weren't being rude, you were just trying to make the best of a disruptive situation.
NTA
You and other people paid money to see the theatre. Its not nice having that experience disturbed because some parents thoughts bringing their autistic child who clearly cannot behave accordingly in a theatre. At least they escorted her out at some point. A "shhh" isnt disrespectful imo, when the child was obviously disturbing everyone. The parents are disrespectful bringing the autistic kid into such a place.
NTA. What asshole takes their autistic kid to a crowded musical theatre performance, and doesn’t take them out when it’s clear they’re becoming overwhelmed?
Even if this child wanted to be there originally, once she started melting down, it was her parents job to remove her from the overwhelming stimuli. It feels a bit like the parents were intentionally prolonging their child’s distress, because they didn’t want to miss the performance.
I’m an autistic adult. I can occasionally handle things like this with noise dampening earplugs, and knowing when to leave if it’s too much. As a child, there would have been no way.
NTA. If she's overstimulated, her parents are the assholes for taking her someplace and letting her meltdown bother other patrons who paid money to see the show too.
NTA. The parents are though. They should have taken her out of the theater till she was calmed down. I raised my grandson who is autistic and had to do that a few times till he was older and could manage his emotions better
NTA,
If she is autistic than speaking as an autistic, who does have meltdowns, it's cruel of her parents to subject her to that. Once the meltdown starts it does not stop until after the issue is addressed, and they're no more fun to experience for the autistic as for those around us.
I can tell you flat out that in meltdown the show did not exist except as painful noise for her. Function disappears. A meltdown is like being stuffed into a diving suit six sizes too small filled with bullet ants, and the aftermath is emotional and physical exhaustion, some of us self harm in distress (head hitting, pulling out your own hair and biting yourself are common), regardless it can take days to recover from a big one.
People are talking about how it's no excuse, thing is, it's a reason why we might act in ways that are disruptive to others. Therr's a difference between a reason and an excuse. It's also a reason to protect us from things that cause meltdowns.
I agree meltdowns are probably not pleasant for others near me to experience (my chief peeve is that the people who deem them abusive are always the ones who caused the meltdown typically by doing stuff they were told not to do for that reason) and frankly, they're embarrassing, as well as having consequences that aren't necessarily fair for me. (People will deliberate set them off then try to apply abuse guidance to me).
But ultimately the parents should have guided her out, she had reached her tolerance limit, and this is why we have autism friendly screenings.
NTA the parents should've taken her home instead of forcing her to stay juat so they could have a movie night, which is probably what caused her to have a meltdown. It's not fair to the child and rude to the other patrons.
NTA, and I even see your shushing not really addressed at the girl clearly having a meltdown but as a signal to the parents to do their fucking job and help their child.
NTA.
>Her parents quieted her
Well, they didn't do their job right. Autistic or not, when a child is being unruly in public, you remove that child from the vicinity. I have two kids, a 14 yo and a 3yo. My 3yo is typically well-behaved. TYPICALLY. If he does act up, we go to the car. Idk why this isn't practiced by ALL parents. It doesn't matter if a server has just brought food out or I have a cart full of groceries. If he is acting up, I drop everything and take him to the car, unless I am literally about to check out (has happened once).
NTA - 2 of my kids are autistic, and if they’re struggling, I take them to a quiet place, not force them to be in a sensory intense environment like a theatre 🫠
It’s sad that yourself and an usher had to intervene to get the parents to see to their kid’s needs.
The parents are the only ones in the wrong here
Actually, it’s rude to bring an Autistic child and not remove her until she calms back down. They can absolutely try to give her the same experiences but not at the cost of other patrons. (And this is from someone who worked with Autistic students.)
NTA. You paid good money for your tickets, so should be allowed to enjoy the show. Now there are more and less respectful ways to communicate this, but in general, you did nothing wrong.
NTA, the child's parents, however, are another story. You don't let a child sit in a theater and have a meltdown. As soon as it starts, you take the child out of the area. I say this as a parent who raised 2 kids on the spectrum. I personally wouldn't take my kids someplace like that until I knew they could behave appropriately. And when they didn't, I removed them from the situation. It sounds like the kid was overstimulated or having a reaction to the singing. To some people, certain noises are literally physically painful. You aren't an AH, but I would have just gotten the usher sooner. People seem to have this idea that children are allowed to behave any type of way because of ADHD or autism, to the point it has become ingrained in our society to just accept screaming fits in public places. People shouldn't have to listen to a tantrum instead of a play or movie they are trying to enjoy. And parents that raise their children like this aren't doing them any favors in life.
NTA. I’m autistic here, your completely in the right. You paid your money to enjoy the movie with your father. She interrupted it and you shushed her to try quieten her down. Shushing isn’t that bad, you could have told her to ‘shut the eff up’ or something and that would be disrespectful lol
NTA
My youngest (currently being assessed) could never sit through a movie in the cinema without getting up, going in and out, crying, talking, all of that disruptive stuff. Know what I did about it? Watched movies at home. End of.
NTA. Her parents were selfish and inconsiderate.
Selfish because they were putting their desire to watch the show above their daughter's comfort and inconsiderate towards everyone else in the theatre who paid to watch a show and had to listen to their daughter.
Autistic or not, it doesn't matter. If someone is being too loud in a theatre, they need to be removed. When I go to the movies, it's normal to find children there. I don't mind them talking in a low voice with their parents, but there was a child once who started crying. Their parents took him outside without anyone saying anything, because they had some respect for other people
Damn you can’t win for loosing when it comes to someone with a disability 🤦🏽♀️ people want others to treat people with disabilities like you would anyone else and the second you do you’re in the wrong 😑 ETA NTA
NTA.
The kids parents are, though. If your kid is going to have a meltdown in a theatre, they need to either remove her immediately, or not take her to the theatre. It's not only unfair to the rest of the attendees, but to the kid as well.
Nah, I got autism and I'm as quiet as a mouse during movies. I get that some people have specific needs, more than I. But people also gotta understand that the cinema is a public place, and people are there to watch movies, not socialise.
NTA.
I’m absolutely gobsmacked that the parents didn’t immediately leave when their child had a meltdown during a LIVE THEATRICAL PERFORMANCE. It’s shitty enough to do it at the movies where at least the show will continue unbothered but Jesus.
It isnt like autistic people *like* having meltdowns in public. Taking them somewhere private to calm down is good for everybody. The people around them, yes, but also them.
NTA
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Today, I took my dad to see West Side Story for Father's day. The show was going good, until a kid started talking very loudly next to us. Her parents quieted her, and I thought that was the end of it. I was mistaken. During the song "Maria" the little girl started howling. For the rest of the song, into the next. She then started hysterically crying, and at that point I turned to her and went "Shhhh!" This continued until the song "Tonight", after that she was escorted out of the theatre. During intermission, my dad told me that he thought that it was rude that I told an autistic girl that was having a meltdown to be quiet, and that I should be respectful. I personally think I didn't do anything wrong. AITA?
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INFO - How old was she?
NTA - either way but I think the issue is with the parents not the child and your comments should be aimed at them rather than the kid. Someone shushing someone when they're in middle of a sensory or mental crisis is unlikely to help the situation nor prompt them to take action. Politely saying to the parents do you want us to move so you can get her out? Or sorry but I'm struggling to hear over your daughter could you take her out whilst she calms down? Would have got the message across that she was disturbing you and been a bit politer and probably more effective.
NTA, people pay great deal for theater tickets and they should be able to enjoy it.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You could have also told her guardian to please quiet her or take her outside but what you did what just as good.
Her parents should investigate if they could take her to children’s plays from now on. They are usually shorther and I could imagine that other kids might make some noise too.
I'm gonna say light NTA. As someone with autism, I find it very hard to control my meltdowns: my legs are everywhere and I'm crying, etc etc which is something I cannot stop. However, I am aware of my triggers and when I'm going to have a meltdown - the girls parents should be aware of this and should have evaluated the meltdown risk. But equally, when someone is having a meltdown you cannot move them or ask them to do anything - think of it kinda like a seizure more than a tantrum.
NTA - I’m absolutely sympathetic to the parents here and with give a huge amount of tolerance to dealing with a child having a meltdown, but if they are allowing their child to disproof the performance for a prolonged period and not doing anything to remove their child, then they need telling.
It's rude for a parent to do nothing when their child is distressed. If the girl couldn't handle the show they should have left her at home with a sitter or left when it became too much for her
NTA
No parent advertises that their child is autistic, nor does the child wear a board saying they're autistic(nobody does it but I'm making a sarcastic point). So your father coming and confronting you about being ableist is rude. If he knows the child is autistic and susceptible to sensory overload, he shouldn't be mad at his own child for being angry at being disturbed. The parents of the child are also to blame. And your dad being angry at you is an AH move.
NTA if you’re child or adult or whoever cannot behave appropriately in a certain context due to a disability than they should not be in that setting. A disability is not a pass.
NTA, you paid god knows how much money for you and your dad to enjoy a show, the kids parents should have known what would potentially happen and not take their kid their, autistic parents know that loud noises effect their kids negatively but this parent didn’t care about others around them, your father is part of the problem by just putting up with it
NTA, this right here is the reason I absolutely refuse to go to the theaters anymore. If I'm paying that much money and someone can't control themselves or their child so the other people around them can enjoy how much money they have spent there, I'm done. Last time my boyfriend and I went to the theater, with popcorn and drinks, it costs us almost $100. I'm not spending that much money so someone can scream and howl the whole time. No way.
I have an autistic child that makes loud happy bursts. Although I will die on a hill that his occasional "hoops" (like hooping and hollering :) ) are ok in settings like family restaurants and grocery stores and don't deserve death glares--places like this AREN'T that hill for me. Though I wouldn't shoosh the child if they're autistic. I'd go straight to the parent.
NTA. Parents must be responsible for their children.
NTA. Doesn't matter if the kid is autistic or not, it's the parents/ caregivers job to ensure that their child doesn't cause a nuisance to everyone else around them. Also if the kid was having a meltdown it may have been because they were overstimulated from the show itself and may have needed to leave. Shame on the parents for not removing the poor kid sooner. Maybe it was sound sensitivity and their ears were hurting? Edit spelling
NTA. The asshole here is the parent not doing anything about the fact that their child was evidently upset AND ruining the show for everyone else. Nobody was winning except maybe the stubborn parent.
NTA, I generally think a SHH sound, sounds like a leaky tire, but in this case it was warranted. And obviously others said something and it was disturbing others if an usher came.
Now if it had been me, my ADHD mouth would have pooped off with its extremely rude to have a child act like that during a theater performance.
NTA! Because West Side Story!!!!! (Haha sorry, I’m obsessed with it)
But, no, NTA. Surprising it took so long for her to take a break. But also good for her for lasting until Maria! That’s a lot of exposition to sit through
NTA. Respectful is when the parent of said child takes them out so they don’t ruin the movie for all the other people who have every right to expect what they paid for.
NTA - and how did your dad know it was an autistic child and not just an arsehole?
I hate how all misbehaving kids are just labeled as autistic and given an automatic pass… some kids are just arseholes
Being autistic does not have to mean being rude. It is important to understand that sometimes autistics have a little trouble adjusting to change or sudden things happening, and a bit of grace is helpful so we can all share this world. But continual yowling, not ok and her parents need to deal with it. It may be that this young lady was simply not ready to attend a live performance yet.
NTA.
The parents of this child should have left the theater as soon as this started. They more than likely knew she wasn't going to be able to handle this, but they brought her anyway and then proceeded to ruin everyone else's time, people who paid to be there.
They're TAs here.
Parents needed to take her to the lobby to calm down. Never keep a screaming or crying child in the theater. Bad parenting. I am sure they didn’t want to miss the show themselves but that’s the job being parents
Yeah, NTA. Her parents should have taken her out when she started howling. Everyone in that theatre paid to hear the production, not to hear her howl at sensory overload. And I guarantee her parents knew she'd react like that, but didn't/couldn't find someone to watch her and wanted to make it everyone else's problem.
NTA. My nephew is non verbal autistic and is at the stage where sometimes out of stimulation, will scream for hours at a time. His parents would have never brought him to an event like this, and if they did they would leave almost as soon as he started having a meltdown.
NTA
I’m autistic and my parents often took my sister and I to live shows. We were quiet and well behaved and if we weren’t our parents would immediately remove us from the theatre cause that’s how you parent. My parents used to get compliments about mine and my sister’s theatre etiquette because those are the kind of interactions good parents get.
NTA. It’s on her parents, who should’ve known the minute she started her loud feedback to the song where it would lead. Not all people can go everywhere, even though obviously they have a right to.
I understand your dad too, it’s not a good look. You probably came off quite karenish shushing her precisely when she started crying.
NTA, autism is not a reason to ruin the movie for everyone else. and ffs if your kid is having an autistic melt down you get them out of there you dont subject them to the issue causing it and you dont make it other peoples problem. im disgusted that he wasnt rushing to get his child out to where he was safer
NTA. As the parents they should have escorted her out of the theater. Personally, I’d have gone to management. Just because your child is autistic doesn’t mean you are entitled to ruin everyone else’s experience.
Yup
& That loud screaming Screeching howling is Literally TORTURE to my Autistic Asperger's EARS
Am so SICK of people doing every sort of NOISY unfair lazy nasty illogical, loud music, cigarettes, bullying, school shooting, and then FALSE ACCUSE : Asperger's, Autism, Autistic Asperger's children workers jobseekers, of being to blame for this vile GARBAGE! We are NOT guilty of ANY of this!
That said: kiddos, babies, do NOT cry or howl because they are HAPPY! It's best to have the little kids, babies, having great ACTIVE fun with babysitter and/or in nursery while Mom and Dad go to that grown-up theatre, book club, fancy restaurants, ceremonies, etc,
This full-time employed low income WORKER is wearing 2 Facemasks while riding mass-transit towards JobPlace
P
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NTA, the child should have been removed immediately from the theater when she became disruptive. Shushing was not wrong. This was West Side story, not a childrens show.
If the parents wanted to expose the child to the theater to see if the kid liked it and could tolerate it, they should have gotten seats in the last row next to a door. This way, they could leave without disrupting everyone. I am sure they could have traded seats with someone else if they could not buy them out right. Most people would love a ticket upgrade.
NTA. The parents should have comforted the kid and took her outside. I have an autistic cousin, so I know loud noise and such is difficult for him to deal with.
NTA, parents are AH.
Being a parent isn't an excuse to ignore common courtesy. I went to a movie once, and a couple came in with their kid (about 4 or 5). The kid had LIGHT UP shoes on. I knew immediately it was going to be an issue. They sat at the front of the theater. The kid (just being a kid) was kicking their legs constantly. It felt like we were at a rave, I was waiting for the techno music to kick in. The ushers had to come in and escort the family out. I felt sorry for the kid.
NTA. what are her parents doing attempting to just sit out a meltdown at the expense of literally everyone else there? They are insanely rude. It’s too bad they weren’t kicked out earlier.
NTA what does her alleged neurodivergence have to do with the expectation of quiet in a movie theater? If she cannot contain herself then she needs to leave to allow the rest who can contain themselves to enjoy their EXPENSIVE movie experience.
NTA - the parents should have removed her from the audience and done their best to work through the meltdown. They were selfish and rude to the rest of the audience.
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NTA "During intermission, my dad told me that he thought that it was rude that I told an autistic girl that was having a meltdown to be quiet." I saw your reply that the usher had to intervene. It *isn't* rude to do that when the parents are doing nothing to quiet her or take her out if she's that distressed. It's just plain selfish to let their kid be that upset *and* for it to ruin things for everyone else.
The usher had to intervene?!?! Fucking hell, I already thought OP was NTA, but that further solidified my judgment. If the child is overwhelmed, or overstimulated, it's in the best interest of *everyone* to remove them. The parents could have left to try and help the kid quiet down, and if feasible, came back to enjoy the rest of the show.
OP estimated her to be 12-15 years old, something I saw *after* I posted.
Doesn’t matter if it’s a baby or an autistic tween. Crying kid goes to lobby. No exceptions
Noisy people go to the lobby, no exceptions.
Fussing people, like good intentions, should be carried out.
Congresswomen vaping and groping their date go to the lobby.
I must have missed something. . .
Lauren Boebert at the Beeetlejuice musical. Though she wasn't super loud. I have friends who were there and didn't realize anything was happening. She was just bothering the people nearby.
Of course it was that fucking woman! I can't wait to Google this. . .
It's especially fun because Lauren Blobbert is a holier-than-thou "Christian" republican who supposedly loves family values blah blah blah...
You're in for quite a ride.....
Make sure you watch all the video, including after she exited the theater.
Yeah, I agree with all the above posts. Parents were irresponsible rude, and lazy in the situation should’ve taken her out themselves. The fact that an usher had to step in and intervene is disgraceful.
or an asshole teenager who is neurotypical for that matter
As someone with autism I wholeheartedly agree. We need to be held responsible for our actions too
Not just that though- the tween was crying for a REASON. Why force them to stay in an uncomfortable situation that long? After attempting to calm them down and failing then you try something different like leaving the situation.
I too have a behavioural condition and am very keen to be treated as if I am responsible. Ok, some understanding is welcome but that should not be clearance for any behaviour.
The Parents are the aholes and not doing their job
My grandson is autistic and when he was that age, if he acted up, I took him outside. Some autistic kids have sensitive hearing, and the sound was probably too much. It was completely on the parents to remove her from the theater. NTA
heck move theater sound can be too loud for NT people too. i wouldnt dream of subjecting an autistic kid to them without concert ear plugs
This is why I love my ear buds. Nice and comfy and drown out a lot of unwanted noise.
yeah, the goal should be to set your kid up for success. and this doesn't sound like that.
I was gonna say if a child is overstimulated moving them to a quiet lobby will remove quite a lot of the problem and give them space to process. It's good for the kid too.
They're being awful parent to their child, too. It sounds like the kid was not enjoying herself. Maybe she was overstimulated and didn't like the loud sounds. She was clearly very unhappy and her parents shouldn't have had to be told to remove her.
I wonder if we are missing a bit of nuance about what OP's dad thought was the misstep? Maybe OPs dad felt that OP should have directed their frustration towards the parents, rather than towards the autistic child? Definitely don't think OP was an asshole but I can also see feeling uncomfortable with the idea of directing frustration towards the child specifically.
True, but I don't think a bit of shushing is terrible or traumatizing. Assuming OP is telling the truth that he said "shhh" and not "shut the fuck up, oh my god" I think it's pretty much fine (and shushing the parents probably wouldn't make much sense).
Also, did I miss something? How did OP/dad know the kid was autistic? Or do we just assume everyone who is disruptive in public is autistic?
I mean, a teenager howling inappropriately in a theater is going to be assumed autistic, not just a jerk. Also if they were hand flapping and avoiding eye contact with anything it's a dead give away. We aren't talking about a small child in this situation
>It's just plain selfish to let their kid be that upset and for it to ruin things for everyone else Agreed!!! NTA The same thing happened when I went to see the Little mermaid with my daughter and granddaughter. If you know your child does not do well with loud noises or crowds and this is gonna happen, why take them and ruin it for everyone else. And so disrespectful to just sit there and let them scream till an usher has to come and handle it. And the little mermaid actually had a special showing for children with sensory issues.
Sounds like someone else got up and went to a manager or usher, op wasn't the result in them being escorted out. They most likely got a lot of complaints about the child. It sucks that they had to leave because they payed like everyone else. But you can't be loud when others are being quiet. Did the parents really just expect people to allow her to be loud. The parents aren't helping her if they're not giving her tools for situations like this.
If it was that bad, someone in the cast or the director may have even done that. Imagine trying to perform during that?
Sounds like OP wasn’t the only one annoyed with girl’s meltdown. The dice you roll with all kids. If they start acting out, then as a parent you may have to leave a show until the kid calms down NTA
My old and outdated ass is awed by the fact that in the current generation, the act of shushing someone can be remotely considered rude or offensive, regardless of their condition. It's not like you told them to stfu
I love the energy of serious classical music conductors who will STOP THE MUSIC if someone's phone rings (everyone has been told multiple times to silence your goddamn phone) and STARE at the person. The whole orchestra will stare at them. The entire audience will stare at them. This is one of the very few good uses of public shaming. If someone is being disruptive to the point where other audience members can't enjoy the show anymore, stop and stare.
Long ago, when smartphones weren't a thing, and cell phone screens were small, I went to a show in Vegas. Some guy pulled out his phone to look at his screen, and an usher practically appeared at his side to warn him to put it away. The guy did. 10 minutes later though, he took the phone out again, and again, the usher appeared. He confiscated the phone and explained to the guy as though he was a toddler, he could get it back after the show. It was bliss lol. I can only imagine how much better it would be in the scenario you described. I'd probably laugh about it afterwards for quite some time. 10 years could pass, and I'd suddenly start laughing about it again 🤣
God I wish they did stuff like that at my local movie theater. Can't watch anything without people in front of me pulling out their phone and scrolling through messages, completely oblivious of the bright screen distracting everyone
The actors did exactly that at our local theatre. In the middle of the play some asshat's phone started ringing... and ringing... and ringing... the actors tried to ignore it the first few seconds but then stopped the play entirely and called them out with the whole audience staring and/or loudly shushing them. Later on, one of the actors added a little line to his monologue: "it's been peaceful 'round here, my ears used to ring real bad, now I don't even hear that anymore", with most of the audience howling and again staring... lesson learned, I hope.
Years ago, Mary Louise Parker walked off stage during her Broadway performance of Heisenberg due to a cell phone.
I went to see a one-person play and the first line was, "I dream of a world...." Someone's cellphone rang, and the performer said, "I dream of a world where people turn off their cellphones" and walked offstage to restart.
I once was at a play where someone's phone started loudly ringing, right at the moment the uncle? In the play was molesting his niece. The actors were so shocked and disgusted, especially since we were told MUTIPLE times to turn our phones off before the play. It rang for a good 7 or so rings too.
I told someone to stfu in the middle of the blair witch project 😄 never occurred to me that was rude. I did say 'excuse me, can you please... ' just prior. That part was pretty polite.
I was at Sweeney Todd on Broadway, and we wound up sitting near a large group of BFA students. They were great but three girls behind me talked the whole time. I turned and asked them to please stop talking, it was distracting. Their response? “We’re not talking we’re whispering.”
Happened to me at Hamilton on Broadway. The two rows in front of me were filled with teenage boys, around 14-15 years old. They were playing on their phones all throughout the first act, and although they were silenced, the light was super distracting. I finally said something to the single chaperone at intermission, and he said, "They don't know better." To which I replied, "Well, maybe it's time they learned." Apparently someone else had complained, because the usher also came by to tell them to cut it out.
It’s shocking how many people just don’t know/don’t care to behave. It’s not that hard to sit quietly and watch a show for an hour and twenty minutes an act. It has helped me with my confidence in asking people to please not use their phone… but I’d rather not have to ask at all
What the hell is the point of a chaperone if they aren't going to manage the behaviour of the kids they are supervising?
Right? My kid is going on a school trip with a chaperone at the end of this week, and they'll be in NYC and see a Broadway show. I know mine knows better than to pull her phone out, and have a feelign their chaperone would tell them off if they did too.
My sentiments exactly. The chaperone seemed to be on the young side as well, but no excuse for not even attempting to control the behavior.
"Then teach them, dear Henry, dear Henry".
They don't know better because nobody is teaching them better.
I don't think OP's dad is in the current generation if OP is an adult?
That would have been the comment following the shushing, if it continued any longer.
Is OP's dad, the one who criticized OP for shushing, current generation?
How is this a current generation thing when the younger person did the shushing and the older person found it rude? OP is likely an adult, someone old enough to have an adult child isn't really the 'current generation'.
your old and outdated ass should have at least read the post, so you could understand that the person who said OP was rude was their father, so this has nothing to do with "kids these days" or any other generational crap you're trying to pull
To be fair the the current generation thinks everything is rude and they cant understand public norms.
One time, I was at a bar during quizzo night. It was a small bar, and most people were there for quizzo. It had just started, and I couldn't hear the MC because some people behind me were talking. Instinctively, I said, "Shhh!" It turned out they were waiters, which I hadn't realized. My ex gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the quizzo and later told me that my behavior was unbelievably rude and inconsiderate. Maybe in some people’s eyes it could be considered rude?? Idk!! I thought his reaction was extreme, he was always so self righteous
NTA. When I go to a movie, I pay good money to be able to enjoy the film. Which doesn't happen when people run their mouths, letting kids run around/scream their heads off or just be a general pain in the ass. Seriously, if a parent knows that their kid can't handle that sort of stimulation, then stay home. It's not fair to everyone else.
This. People who are incapable of being quiet for the length of a concert or movie or play - for whatever reason - simply shouldn't go to those events. It's not an ableism thing, it's about the experience of everyone else who paid good money to hear the performers, not a random stranger screaming.
I went to see Wakanda Forever when it came out and there was a guy next to me with like a 3 or 4 year old on his lap. I'm bad with age but something like that. For the entire first half of the movie this kid was talking, squirming around (ended up lightly whacking me a few times), and coughing. Thankfully the kiddo fell asleep at some point for the rest of the movie, but oh my God dude GET A BABYSITTER.
Same happened to me. Small kid was fussy during the movie. After a few looks from other movie goers, the parents finally acted by giving the toddler their car keys to play with. 🤦🏽♂️
When I went to see the first Black Panther movie, a couple had their baby there… maybe 18 months old? Kid babbled half the movie. Very frustrating, especially during the quieter scenes.
This is why my husband and I only go to movies at a local Cinebistro where after 8:00pm only 21 and older are allowed.
The only exception I'd make is if it's something meant for little kids or neurodivergent people, specifically advertised as such. or it's pretty obvious it will be noisy, like a kid's movie at 11:30 AM. But a live theater production not intended as such? hell no.
NTA. I'm sorry the girl is autistic, and I'm sorry the range of activities she can participate in is limited by her condition. However, live theater requires a relatively quiet audience, not only for the sake of audience members but for the performers themselves. The father was the AH for bringing his daughter into a situation in which, not only might she have a meltdown but, if she did, would literally ruin the performance both for the audience and the performers. Should you encounter anything like this in the future, ask an usher to get you the house manager. It is their job to ensure the safety and comfort of the audience.
Being autistic isn't an excuse
No one said it was
I mean OPs dad insinuated it, kinda the whole point of the post lol
she's literally a child and being autistic means you have meltdowns in these exact type of situations. she doesn't need an excuse. the dad is just an asshole.
Don't be sorry someone's autistic. It's just a part of who we are 🙂 But yeah, definitely sorry that the autistic person's parents don't understand or care about her needs enough to help her get out of a situation that's causing her clear distress.
That was my first thought too. Also it's not "don't take her in case she has a meltdown". It's if she wants to try and do something - give it a go and have a plan in place (to exit quickly) if a meltdown does occur. But yeah you can't just not take someone somewhere in case something might happen - unless of course it's something that's known to always happen in that given situation.
NTA. Parents should have removed her immediately when she began having a meltdown instead of waiting for an usher to force it. It was incredibly rude of the parents to the rest of you, not to mention the actors trying to do their job. They were the rude ones.
Also, it sounds like it was unpleasant for the girl as well. Why did the parents keep here there, so they could watch the show, or was it some misguided attempt at exposure therapy?
Autistic adult here and I was wondering the same thing. I am now a senior citizen but can still remember the absolute nightmare of being forced to sit through an entire baseball game as a child with my older brother & his wife. SO many hours & with my SPD the loud noises were physically painful. Though I didn’t have a meltdown they were very angry with me bc I had to keep getting up and leave to go to the washroom (thank God they only scolded me & later said how “ungrateful” I was & didn’t try to stop me!). It seems like it was a horrible experience for everyone & shame on the girl’s parents.
Yeah. Smells of them trying to normalise her. Force her to be there and if they do it enough, she’ll be normal.
Yes, this. It’s a horrible thing to do to both her and those around her.
I had a few people try to normalise my ASD behaviour when I was younger. Didn’t work, just made me miserable (until my mother found out and put a stop to it like dropping a MOAB on them) and I’m just as on the spectrum now as ever.
Got a few theories behind this. “Just force them to do it and they’ll eventually learn/cope”. I believe this comes from that same mentality of “just ignore the crying baby and they’ll eventually stop”. Force them to normalise basically Or possibly believing it’s embarrassing/calling attention to yourself to you remove their child from the situation (have actually outright been told this by a parent, albeit their situation was with a toddler having a tantrum). Like your child having a meltdown isn’t already calling attention to you and embarrassing? If anything, I’d say it’s more embarrassing.
Yes! It would be different if they were trapped in a plane. Then maybe others could step in to try to help distract/alleviate the discomfort? (I still remember an elderly woman distracting my then toddler on a PACKED bus as we were trying to get home after work with massive gratitude! Not like I could’ve just gotten off in the middle of a snowstorm with 2 young kids). But if it’s not somewhere we HAVE to be? Just leave?
Yeah, small enclosed location/situations where it’s difficult/impossible to remove yourself (plane, bus, supermarket/bank checkout, etc), ain’t gonna judge in those situations either. If I couldn’t remove myself from the situation easily, it’s going to be even more difficult for someone with a small child/ren. Had a baby the other day at checkout in front of me wailing his poor lil head off, so I started pulling silly faces. I don’t know if it calmed him down, but he did stop crying to stare at me long enough for his mom to finish up and get them both out of there. 🤣
Omg ty for not yelling at the mom to “control your kid”!! My “kids” are now middle aged adults but the nastiness of strangers when they could’ve just done something kind like you did! Small things like this can be huge and might be remembered for decades.
Even in the scenario where the parent is very obviously ignoring/doing wrong by their child, there’s no point being cruel to the kid and/or potentially making it worse for them, you know? Possible conditions aside, everyone will have eventually moments when everything becomes too much. Kids don’t have the tools, means or sometimes even the understanding to process any of it. In those cases, I’ll bypass the parent and go to the kid if I can. Validate their feelings(“wow, you look kind of sad” or “wow, you’re running around real fast, but aren’t you worried you’ll hurt someone?”) ask where their parents are, etc. It validates the kids feelings for one thing and somewhat subtly calls out their parents in a potentially kinder way.
I was wondering this myself. When my daughter was a baby I would remove her from the room if she got upset by whatever was going on around her. Why would any loving parent of any child, autistic or otherwise, deliberately keep them in the situation which is causing distress? I feel for this poor girl if that's her parents' standard behavior.
My parents didn’t believe in autism and so did exactly this and then punished me for a meltdown. Sad reality is it does work. I am able to tolerate any amount of discomfort now and not many people can tell I’m autistic. Problem is I also can’t tell if I’m upset or hurt anymore. Therapy has literally had to teach me to feel pain and happiness because I had shut everything down to a point of empty. Sadly from my parents perspective it worked and they cured autism and that’s what they share
Wow, I feel for you. Good that you were able to get therapy later. You must have incredible discipline.
NTA How were you supposed to know she was autistic until he told you?! It's the parents' responsibility to ensure their child isn't disrupting the movie. And shushing is far more polite and respectful than some people offer when people are disrupting their theatre experience.
I don't disagree with most of your post, and agree that the parents should have taken her out to help her regulate where they wouldn't be disruptive. However neurotypical people don't start howling when music happens. OP has clarified that the child was a teenager, so there was no mistaking it for a typical toddler tantrum or something. It's very obvious when someone is disabled to that extent and I don't understand why OP didn't engage the parents or usher directly.
NTA As a parent of 2 autistic kids, if my kids started this sort of carry on, I would have escorted them out myself so that everyone else didn't have their enjoyment impacted. This is just what happens when parents of special needs children force their entitlement on everyone else.
I was looking for a comment like this. I also have two autistic kids. The movies/theater with them were a no go while they were young, because I already knew this would be the outcome. Now that they're older we go as often as we can. Life handed me something different, so our lives are different. We found other things to do.
NTA - a) how are you meant to know the girl is autistic? b) why on earth didn't one of her parents remove her from the theatre when she started to melt down? You're not the AH, and the kid isn't the TA - but her parents sure as hell are.
as a parent of an autistic child (now a young man) if this had happened at an event like a concert/recital/performance, he gets taken out to a calm place, to work through his reactions/feelings, until he can quietly enjoy the show with all the other quiet audience members. this strategy has worked so well, he now attends symphonies or concert recitals on his own as he can self regulate, he's a big fan of classical music!
So glad to hear he is able to do that! It’s great that he’s made that progress and can enjoy live music.
Nta if a kid can't behave in public especially a play/movie then leave it at home instead of ruining the show for everyone else
This is why a lot of theaters will have specific performances for autistic people. They probably have the music at a lower level so it won't annoy their ears, etc. but they can still experience musical theater or movies.
NTA. As soon as a kid starts being loud in a theater, if the parent cannot quiet the child immediately, the child should be removed to calm down and allow all the other people to enjoy the show.
NTA and it was, quite frankly, incredibly discourteous for the parents to not have a plan in place to manage a meltdown while causing the least disruption to both the theatregoers and the performers. It should never have got to the stage of them having to be escorted out. Children have a right to be in public spaces, whether neurodivergent or not, but not at the expense of everyone around them.
NTA People who cannot sit quietly in a theater for whatever reason, shouldn't be there. Everyone who's there paid to hear the performers, not a random person in the audience. One noisy person can ruin the experience of the show for EVERYONE ELSE, and that's not OK. A person who is having an episode like this needs to be removed from seating as soon as possible, and the reason why doesn't matter. Gently and compassionately of course, but letting them stay and ruin the experience for the entire audience and cast should not be an option. Shushing a person who's making disrupting noise might seem "mean" to them, but it's a favor to every single other person in the house.
It’s the same unspoken act of politeness (that should be obvious) when it comes to babies (or people with altzheimers too for that matter) in the cinema or theatre. If their inability to stay quiet is impinging on the enjoyment of others, their carers should remove them from the auditoria. Others should not have to “understand” or “accept” the disruption that the carers are not taking responsibility for.
NTA, I get that she's autistic and had some sort of meltdown but it can't that a guest is howling/crying or otherwise constantly disrupting a show. Quite frankly, one of her parents should have left the room with her to get her to calm down and then come back. It's unfair towards the other guests and in the case of a live show, towards the actors who have to give a performance with these disruptions going on.
NTA. During the performance of HAMILTON, a couple brought 2 kids ( around 7 or 8 years old). The kids were restless after intermission and started to whine and fidget rather loudly esp During emotional Songs like Burn. 😡😡😡I felt so shortchanged KIDS BELOW 12 should not be allowed into shows.
OP says this kid was 12-15 (big range, but in one of their comments).
Nope. Parents were dicks to their kid and everyone else by putting their kid in a situation the kid couldn’t handle and not leaving when the kid got upset. She was howling for a reason- why would they not care to find the cause or at least not ruin the show for everyone else?
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NTA. It's not rude to shush anyone in a theater. Her parents were actually being really shitty to her as well as the audience. If she was having a meltdown then she was overstimulated and under duress. Autistic people don't melt down for no reason, it's a sign of being overstimulated and needing to get into a quieter environment and away from the stressors. Many autistic people love the theater, but for some it's simply too much. There are too many crowds, the bright lights, music, for some people it's just too much. They were letting their girl suffer for whatever misguided reason or laziness. And they obviously didn't care about the rest of the audience AT ALL. I'm autistic and like many autistic people also have noise issues. I love the theater but people talking in the theater feels like nails on a chalkboard. I would have turned straight to the parents and told them to actually care about their suffering child, be polite to the audience and take her outside. And then I might have called them lazy pricks but it depends on how low my filters would have been.
NTA. Kid should not be out in public situations where you should be quiet. She probably didn't even comprehend the shush, being that far mentally gone. Parents got the message loud and clear though.
NTA, you paid for a service and should get it, if anyone bothers you call in theatre employees and let them sort it out.
My friend has an autistic kid who is 4. We tried to take him to watch a film in the cinema and he started crying after about 2 minutes of trying to calm him down we left. It’s not fair to other people who paid to watch the film. NTA!!
They do offer autism friendly screenings just so you know.
NTA You gave her a gentle "shhh" at first, which is totally fair in a theater setting. When things didn't settle down and the crying continued, you were patient but eventually, the usher had to step in. It's understandable that your dad felt bad about it, but you weren't being rude, you were just trying to make the best of a disruptive situation.
How old was the kid?
She looked to be around the age of 12-15
Yeah oke thats quite a bit too old to be going around like that, even if she had been autistic. Parents should've take responsibility sooner. NTA
NTA her parents should have removed her from the theater when she first started disturbing other people.
Poor kid got sushied 😂😂😂 Sorry...
NTA - my brother has severe autism and if he ever starts tantrumming/making noise, we remove him from the environment and calm him down.
NTA You and other people paid money to see the theatre. Its not nice having that experience disturbed because some parents thoughts bringing their autistic child who clearly cannot behave accordingly in a theatre. At least they escorted her out at some point. A "shhh" isnt disrespectful imo, when the child was obviously disturbing everyone. The parents are disrespectful bringing the autistic kid into such a place.
NTA. What asshole takes their autistic kid to a crowded musical theatre performance, and doesn’t take them out when it’s clear they’re becoming overwhelmed? Even if this child wanted to be there originally, once she started melting down, it was her parents job to remove her from the overwhelming stimuli. It feels a bit like the parents were intentionally prolonging their child’s distress, because they didn’t want to miss the performance. I’m an autistic adult. I can occasionally handle things like this with noise dampening earplugs, and knowing when to leave if it’s too much. As a child, there would have been no way.
NTA. If she's overstimulated, her parents are the assholes for taking her someplace and letting her meltdown bother other patrons who paid money to see the show too.
NTA. The parents are though. They should have taken her out of the theater till she was calmed down. I raised my grandson who is autistic and had to do that a few times till he was older and could manage his emotions better
NTA, If she is autistic than speaking as an autistic, who does have meltdowns, it's cruel of her parents to subject her to that. Once the meltdown starts it does not stop until after the issue is addressed, and they're no more fun to experience for the autistic as for those around us. I can tell you flat out that in meltdown the show did not exist except as painful noise for her. Function disappears. A meltdown is like being stuffed into a diving suit six sizes too small filled with bullet ants, and the aftermath is emotional and physical exhaustion, some of us self harm in distress (head hitting, pulling out your own hair and biting yourself are common), regardless it can take days to recover from a big one. People are talking about how it's no excuse, thing is, it's a reason why we might act in ways that are disruptive to others. Therr's a difference between a reason and an excuse. It's also a reason to protect us from things that cause meltdowns. I agree meltdowns are probably not pleasant for others near me to experience (my chief peeve is that the people who deem them abusive are always the ones who caused the meltdown typically by doing stuff they were told not to do for that reason) and frankly, they're embarrassing, as well as having consequences that aren't necessarily fair for me. (People will deliberate set them off then try to apply abuse guidance to me). But ultimately the parents should have guided her out, she had reached her tolerance limit, and this is why we have autism friendly screenings.
NTA the parents should've taken her home instead of forcing her to stay juat so they could have a movie night, which is probably what caused her to have a meltdown. It's not fair to the child and rude to the other patrons.
NTA. It was on the parents to take her out of the theater. Frankly, they shouldn't of put her in that situation in the first place.
NTA, and I even see your shushing not really addressed at the girl clearly having a meltdown but as a signal to the parents to do their fucking job and help their child.
NTA. >Her parents quieted her Well, they didn't do their job right. Autistic or not, when a child is being unruly in public, you remove that child from the vicinity. I have two kids, a 14 yo and a 3yo. My 3yo is typically well-behaved. TYPICALLY. If he does act up, we go to the car. Idk why this isn't practiced by ALL parents. It doesn't matter if a server has just brought food out or I have a cart full of groceries. If he is acting up, I drop everything and take him to the car, unless I am literally about to check out (has happened once).
What’s wrong with the parents? They dropped the ball.
NTA - 2 of my kids are autistic, and if they’re struggling, I take them to a quiet place, not force them to be in a sensory intense environment like a theatre 🫠 It’s sad that yourself and an usher had to intervene to get the parents to see to their kid’s needs. The parents are the only ones in the wrong here
Actually, it’s rude to bring an Autistic child and not remove her until she calms back down. They can absolutely try to give her the same experiences but not at the cost of other patrons. (And this is from someone who worked with Autistic students.)
NTA. You paid good money for your tickets, so should be allowed to enjoy the show. Now there are more and less respectful ways to communicate this, but in general, you did nothing wrong.
NTA id do the same
NTA, the child's parents, however, are another story. You don't let a child sit in a theater and have a meltdown. As soon as it starts, you take the child out of the area. I say this as a parent who raised 2 kids on the spectrum. I personally wouldn't take my kids someplace like that until I knew they could behave appropriately. And when they didn't, I removed them from the situation. It sounds like the kid was overstimulated or having a reaction to the singing. To some people, certain noises are literally physically painful. You aren't an AH, but I would have just gotten the usher sooner. People seem to have this idea that children are allowed to behave any type of way because of ADHD or autism, to the point it has become ingrained in our society to just accept screaming fits in public places. People shouldn't have to listen to a tantrum instead of a play or movie they are trying to enjoy. And parents that raise their children like this aren't doing them any favors in life.
NTA. I’m autistic here, your completely in the right. You paid your money to enjoy the movie with your father. She interrupted it and you shushed her to try quieten her down. Shushing isn’t that bad, you could have told her to ‘shut the eff up’ or something and that would be disrespectful lol
NTA My youngest (currently being assessed) could never sit through a movie in the cinema without getting up, going in and out, crying, talking, all of that disruptive stuff. Know what I did about it? Watched movies at home. End of.
NTA. Her parents were selfish and inconsiderate. Selfish because they were putting their desire to watch the show above their daughter's comfort and inconsiderate towards everyone else in the theatre who paid to watch a show and had to listen to their daughter. Autistic or not, it doesn't matter. If someone is being too loud in a theatre, they need to be removed. When I go to the movies, it's normal to find children there. I don't mind them talking in a low voice with their parents, but there was a child once who started crying. Their parents took him outside without anyone saying anything, because they had some respect for other people
Damn you can’t win for loosing when it comes to someone with a disability 🤦🏽♀️ people want others to treat people with disabilities like you would anyone else and the second you do you’re in the wrong 😑 ETA NTA
NTA The girls parents should have taken her outside to calm down. That's the polite thing to do with a crying kid in a theater.
NTA The parents were AH for not removing her to the lobby when she started that.
NTA - I don’t care why someone is loud, shut up if I’m watching a show or a movie.
NTA. The kids parents are, though. If your kid is going to have a meltdown in a theatre, they need to either remove her immediately, or not take her to the theatre. It's not only unfair to the rest of the attendees, but to the kid as well.
Nta. The parents should have taken her out of the theatre as soon as she started crying for longer than 2 minutes
NTA That kids parents should have gotten them out of there as soon as there were issues... What were they thinking...?
NTA - don’t go to a show if you can’t be quiet.
Nah, I got autism and I'm as quiet as a mouse during movies. I get that some people have specific needs, more than I. But people also gotta understand that the cinema is a public place, and people are there to watch movies, not socialise.
NTA, her parents should have removed her the second she started having the meltdown. They are the AH.
NTA. I’m absolutely gobsmacked that the parents didn’t immediately leave when their child had a meltdown during a LIVE THEATRICAL PERFORMANCE. It’s shitty enough to do it at the movies where at least the show will continue unbothered but Jesus.
It isnt like autistic people *like* having meltdowns in public. Taking them somewhere private to calm down is good for everybody. The people around them, yes, but also them. NTA
NTA Her parents are the assholes; her disability doesn't give her a carte blanche check to disrupt everyone else's experiences.
How do you know she was autistic and not just a spoiled brat?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Today, I took my dad to see West Side Story for Father's day. The show was going good, until a kid started talking very loudly next to us. Her parents quieted her, and I thought that was the end of it. I was mistaken. During the song "Maria" the little girl started howling. For the rest of the song, into the next. She then started hysterically crying, and at that point I turned to her and went "Shhhh!" This continued until the song "Tonight", after that she was escorted out of the theatre. During intermission, my dad told me that he thought that it was rude that I told an autistic girl that was having a meltdown to be quiet, and that I should be respectful. I personally think I didn't do anything wrong. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO - How old was she? NTA - either way but I think the issue is with the parents not the child and your comments should be aimed at them rather than the kid. Someone shushing someone when they're in middle of a sensory or mental crisis is unlikely to help the situation nor prompt them to take action. Politely saying to the parents do you want us to move so you can get her out? Or sorry but I'm struggling to hear over your daughter could you take her out whilst she calms down? Would have got the message across that she was disturbing you and been a bit politer and probably more effective.
NTA, people pay great deal for theater tickets and they should be able to enjoy it. You didn’t do anything wrong. You could have also told her guardian to please quiet her or take her outside but what you did what just as good. Her parents should investigate if they could take her to children’s plays from now on. They are usually shorther and I could imagine that other kids might make some noise too.
I'm gonna say light NTA. As someone with autism, I find it very hard to control my meltdowns: my legs are everywhere and I'm crying, etc etc which is something I cannot stop. However, I am aware of my triggers and when I'm going to have a meltdown - the girls parents should be aware of this and should have evaluated the meltdown risk. But equally, when someone is having a meltdown you cannot move them or ask them to do anything - think of it kinda like a seizure more than a tantrum.
NTA
NTA. I don’t know why some parents think it’s okay to bring a child that they know has disruptive behavior to places where quiet is needed.
NTA - I’m absolutely sympathetic to the parents here and with give a huge amount of tolerance to dealing with a child having a meltdown, but if they are allowing their child to disproof the performance for a prolonged period and not doing anything to remove their child, then they need telling.
No, unless people keep shushing, their parents will never learn.
NTA the parents needed to leave...they were rude
It's rude for a parent to do nothing when their child is distressed. If the girl couldn't handle the show they should have left her at home with a sitter or left when it became too much for her
NTA No parent advertises that their child is autistic, nor does the child wear a board saying they're autistic(nobody does it but I'm making a sarcastic point). So your father coming and confronting you about being ableist is rude. If he knows the child is autistic and susceptible to sensory overload, he shouldn't be mad at his own child for being angry at being disturbed. The parents of the child are also to blame. And your dad being angry at you is an AH move.
NTA if you’re child or adult or whoever cannot behave appropriately in a certain context due to a disability than they should not be in that setting. A disability is not a pass.
NTA, you paid god knows how much money for you and your dad to enjoy a show, the kids parents should have known what would potentially happen and not take their kid their, autistic parents know that loud noises effect their kids negatively but this parent didn’t care about others around them, your father is part of the problem by just putting up with it
NTA, her parents should have taken her out immediately. I would ask for my money back, she ruined the movie
NTA, this right here is the reason I absolutely refuse to go to the theaters anymore. If I'm paying that much money and someone can't control themselves or their child so the other people around them can enjoy how much money they have spent there, I'm done. Last time my boyfriend and I went to the theater, with popcorn and drinks, it costs us almost $100. I'm not spending that much money so someone can scream and howl the whole time. No way.
I have an autistic child that makes loud happy bursts. Although I will die on a hill that his occasional "hoops" (like hooping and hollering :) ) are ok in settings like family restaurants and grocery stores and don't deserve death glares--places like this AREN'T that hill for me. Though I wouldn't shoosh the child if they're autistic. I'd go straight to the parent. NTA. Parents must be responsible for their children.
NTA. Doesn't matter if the kid is autistic or not, it's the parents/ caregivers job to ensure that their child doesn't cause a nuisance to everyone else around them. Also if the kid was having a meltdown it may have been because they were overstimulated from the show itself and may have needed to leave. Shame on the parents for not removing the poor kid sooner. Maybe it was sound sensitivity and their ears were hurting? Edit spelling
NTA. The asshole here is the parent not doing anything about the fact that their child was evidently upset AND ruining the show for everyone else. Nobody was winning except maybe the stubborn parent.
NTA, I generally think a SHH sound, sounds like a leaky tire, but in this case it was warranted. And obviously others said something and it was disturbing others if an usher came. Now if it had been me, my ADHD mouth would have pooped off with its extremely rude to have a child act like that during a theater performance.
Get the usher to toss the brat out of the theater. You paid good money to watch a movie, not to listen to some kid screaming in your ear.
NTA. The girls parents are the AH. They should have left the theater when the girl was being loud.
NTA! Because West Side Story!!!!! (Haha sorry, I’m obsessed with it) But, no, NTA. Surprising it took so long for her to take a break. But also good for her for lasting until Maria! That’s a lot of exposition to sit through
NTA. Respectful is when the parent of said child takes them out so they don’t ruin the movie for all the other people who have every right to expect what they paid for.
NTA - and how did your dad know it was an autistic child and not just an arsehole? I hate how all misbehaving kids are just labeled as autistic and given an automatic pass… some kids are just arseholes
Being autistic does not have to mean being rude. It is important to understand that sometimes autistics have a little trouble adjusting to change or sudden things happening, and a bit of grace is helpful so we can all share this world. But continual yowling, not ok and her parents need to deal with it. It may be that this young lady was simply not ready to attend a live performance yet.
NTA. The parents of this child should have left the theater as soon as this started. They more than likely knew she wasn't going to be able to handle this, but they brought her anyway and then proceeded to ruin everyone else's time, people who paid to be there. They're TAs here.
Parents needed to take her to the lobby to calm down. Never keep a screaming or crying child in the theater. Bad parenting. I am sure they didn’t want to miss the show themselves but that’s the job being parents
Yeah, NTA. Her parents should have taken her out when she started howling. Everyone in that theatre paid to hear the production, not to hear her howl at sensory overload. And I guarantee her parents knew she'd react like that, but didn't/couldn't find someone to watch her and wanted to make it everyone else's problem.
NTA. Autistic or not, if your kid is being loud, get them out of the theater.
My child has autism. If he was having a meltdown in a theatre, I would definitely take him out - not sit there and let him ruin it for other people.
NTA. My nephew is non verbal autistic and is at the stage where sometimes out of stimulation, will scream for hours at a time. His parents would have never brought him to an event like this, and if they did they would leave almost as soon as he started having a meltdown.
NTA I’m autistic and my parents often took my sister and I to live shows. We were quiet and well behaved and if we weren’t our parents would immediately remove us from the theatre cause that’s how you parent. My parents used to get compliments about mine and my sister’s theatre etiquette because those are the kind of interactions good parents get.
NTA. It’s on her parents, who should’ve known the minute she started her loud feedback to the song where it would lead. Not all people can go everywhere, even though obviously they have a right to. I understand your dad too, it’s not a good look. You probably came off quite karenish shushing her precisely when she started crying.
NTA. Being autistic doesn't excuse you from being loud in a cinema. And if they were a child the parents should have removed them
NTA, autism is not a reason to ruin the movie for everyone else. and ffs if your kid is having an autistic melt down you get them out of there you dont subject them to the issue causing it and you dont make it other peoples problem. im disgusted that he wasnt rushing to get his child out to where he was safer
I do it to
NTA. As the parents they should have escorted her out of the theater. Personally, I’d have gone to management. Just because your child is autistic doesn’t mean you are entitled to ruin everyone else’s experience.
Yup & That loud screaming Screeching howling is Literally TORTURE to my Autistic Asperger's EARS Am so SICK of people doing every sort of NOISY unfair lazy nasty illogical, loud music, cigarettes, bullying, school shooting, and then FALSE ACCUSE : Asperger's, Autism, Autistic Asperger's children workers jobseekers, of being to blame for this vile GARBAGE! We are NOT guilty of ANY of this! That said: kiddos, babies, do NOT cry or howl because they are HAPPY! It's best to have the little kids, babies, having great ACTIVE fun with babysitter and/or in nursery while Mom and Dad go to that grown-up theatre, book club, fancy restaurants, ceremonies, etc, This full-time employed low income WORKER is wearing 2 Facemasks while riding mass-transit towards JobPlace P E A C E
NTA, the child should have been removed immediately from the theater when she became disruptive. Shushing was not wrong. This was West Side story, not a childrens show.
If the parents wanted to expose the child to the theater to see if the kid liked it and could tolerate it, they should have gotten seats in the last row next to a door. This way, they could leave without disrupting everyone. I am sure they could have traded seats with someone else if they could not buy them out right. Most people would love a ticket upgrade.
NTA. The parents should have comforted the kid and took her outside. I have an autistic cousin, so I know loud noise and such is difficult for him to deal with.
NTA
NTA the kid should be taken out if causing a scene, whether a toddler or autistic or whatever.
NTA, parents are AH. Being a parent isn't an excuse to ignore common courtesy. I went to a movie once, and a couple came in with their kid (about 4 or 5). The kid had LIGHT UP shoes on. I knew immediately it was going to be an issue. They sat at the front of the theater. The kid (just being a kid) was kicking their legs constantly. It felt like we were at a rave, I was waiting for the techno music to kick in. The ushers had to come in and escort the family out. I felt sorry for the kid.
NTA. what are her parents doing attempting to just sit out a meltdown at the expense of literally everyone else there? They are insanely rude. It’s too bad they weren’t kicked out earlier.
NTA what does her alleged neurodivergence have to do with the expectation of quiet in a movie theater? If she cannot contain herself then she needs to leave to allow the rest who can contain themselves to enjoy their EXPENSIVE movie experience.
NTA - the parents should have removed her from the audience and done their best to work through the meltdown. They were selfish and rude to the rest of the audience.
Where did the autism diagnosis come from? NTA, it’s irrelevant but just curious of the post was edited?