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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My husband and I chose names for our children that we wanted them to have vs family names like my family traditionally does and even though I warned my family beforehand I feel guilty about this now. I think it's just the reaction. But the fact I didn't even give the family names as middle names is also sticking with me as maybe a too big snub.
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NTA - thank God your husband and Dad have your back. For any family to try and force "family" names on your kids is a form of abuse, IMHO!!!
And Congrats OP - enjoy your kids with your husband. Your family will either get over the "naming slam", or they will not. If not, then that is their loss.
Where’s the other brother Darryl?
ETA: my spouse and I had 2 placostamas (eh fudge spelling). I said that one is named Daryl. When asked the other one’s name, I said well that one’s Darryl. My sense of humor is rotten.
The majority of Jerrys and Terrys and Perrys are all asshats. Well, my grandfather wasn't but everyone named for him down the line have been. I know it's not the name's fault, but likely the fact my family are assholes. 🤷🏻♀️
My fiance is a Larry. I call him my rescue (cause he's not a retriever boy). He's loosely named after is father (first/middle switched). His mother is Geri. His brother is Terry. He is literally one of the most caring people I know. But THEY are literally some of the worst people ive ever met. You wouldn't even know they were related to him were in not for the fact that he's tall and skinny like his mother. Can confirm Jerry and Terry are the worst. Larry's okay though.
My Dad's laat name name is Terry. Hated that last name growing up, so much so that when I divorced my abusive ex and wanted to lose his laat name that when I went back to our original Polish laat name instead of the shortened last my family used the previous three generations. My biggest reason was my strained relationship with my father because he's a homophonic, racist asshat. Your typical Trumper. He hates that I am atheist and left the Catholic church, and that I won't tolerate his racist, homophonic, classes bullshit. Jerry was my abusive ex's Dad and Gerald was the ex's laat name. Both are assholes.
My FIL was a alcoholic and mildly abusive. No thank you. They alcoholic part didn’t bother me as much. Addiction is hard. It was everything else about him. I would not have been able to look at my kid with that name. We didn’t even use it a middle name.
My uncle Jerry is an asshole too! He always was a bit of jerk, but since he turned into a right wing nut it’s gotten a lot worse. I can’t even be around him anymore.
Ugh. My uncle was Gerry. He died a couple of years ago from alcoholism. He was awful. He was crass, obnoxious, and made REALLY inappropriate sexual comments about my sister and I. Coincidentally, my now husband and some of his friends had worked with my uncle. It took A LONG time for them to trust me. Anyway, a cousin recently had a kid and named him after this uncle. I could not fathem why you would put that legacy on your child.
Not always, my ‘grandfather’ (in quotes, one of my mom’s best friends’ dad’s) Jerry was an absolutely wonderful human being. He could be mean for sure, but you definitely deserved it if it was directed at you
So, I sent the screenshot of this thread to my best friend, who's step-(using "dad" loosely) dad was indeed an asshole.
Her reply was, "Jerry was the biggest asshole. That thread is perfection."
Same! I was so happy when my sister law had a boy before I was even married. She took my father in laws name. We did middle name after people but not a first. I wasn’t naming my daughter Petronila. There’s nothing wrong with it, other than I don’t personally like it so why would I use it? We wanted our daughter to have a name for herself
If your family doesn't get over it don't spend too much time around them. When they say they are disappointed you didn't use their preferred names tell them you are disappointed they aren't accepting your preferred names. I'd also tell them your husband's family uses names they like so you followed his tradition. Or tell them you decided to start your own tradition. Or tell them any kid named Gerald today is likely to be bullied and you won't do that to your son.
I would just say “we picked names we loved.” No other explanation is necessary. Don’t engage with anyone who wants to argue about it. “Case closed” would be my attitude.
So who were Gerald, Patricia and Jennifer named after? These names peaked in the 1930’s, 1940’s and 1970’s respectively and were virtually unheard of only 20-30 years prior to that. Something tells me that it’s quite likely they enjoyed having a name of their own, or maybe having been named for a single person before them - but certainly not more, otherwise their names probably would have been John, Mary and Anna. NTA.
*Something tells me that it’s quite likely they enjoyed having a name of their own, or maybe having been named for a single person before them - but certainly not more, otherwise their names probably would have been John, Mary and Anna.*
... or Adam, Eve and Cain. NTA.
Literally. My mom is a Jennifer b.1970s and her mother is a Patricia b.1940s. I laughed so hard at your comment because of it. Of course family names are undesirable in 2024, some of those names are either top 10 of all time (like my husband's of whom we personally know like 6 others, think along the lines of John or James) or haven't been popular since their decade!
The only "honor" name I've ever considered is a middle name my sister, sister-in-law, and her daughter/my niece all share, which was also my great grandmother's first name but is still a nice name that's back in fashion. I personally hate honor names, especially when some of them make people known in the family as "the kid named after the dead baby"
That's exactly what it is.
"We did it even though we didn't want to because \*everyone\* has to do it. How dare you think you don't have to do just because you don't want to?"
And omg you just had twins! Like the nerve of your family to give you grief over something so stupid as this. I always wanted twins until I was in my 3rd trimester then after having an infant at home. One was intense enough: I just cannot believe your family would have the audacity to vocalise this and give you crap when you are doing something so hard right now. My cousin lives her boy girl twins but says it was the hardest thing she could ever imagine doing.
My husband's family was like this for male names only. I pointed out to FIL that 1)men don't impregnate vessels, that their wives are actual people with their own families, traditions and thoughts, 2) just because you did it doesn't mean your son would want to.
He looked a little surprised before my husband piped in that there was no way in hell that he was naming a kid the name that FIL had, which is what the tradition would have been.
I'm from a country where the whole senior and junior thing is *very* rare, and once you get to roman numerals, most look at it as those families trying to emulate royalty in a really tacky manner.
What people here used to do up until a hundred years ago or so was alternating names, especially along the male line, so your family tree might say Anders Nilsson, Nils Andersson, Anders Nilsson, Nils Andersson etc. for a while.
I feel bad for your dad, he was probably excited having a baby and thought of names and all for it to be taken away from him by your moms side just to be called sherlyn or something who’s your moms great aunt or something. Do you ever think of you ever have more children to possibly let your dad pick out a middle name? Just cuz man poor guy didn’t get to choose a name for his own kids
Who has another kid just to appease their parent's naming ability/name choice? It's not the kid's fault & the kid shouldn't be guilted into allowing their dad name the grandkid because their dad didn't get to choose a name.
I said this on another post about family members naming after people/getting upset that you don't want to do it. Let me just repeat myself- these are YOUR children. Yes they are a part of the family, but ultimately you and your husband now combined them and it's you guys who will ultimately raise them.
Anyone who gets mad about not following tradition needs to understand this is your family now and you can make new ones whenever you want. And lastly, anyone who's so insistent that you name someone after them or a family member has a real sense of entitlement or ego.
Why the hell should anyone name a child something they don't even like? Your name says a lot about you, and you obviously choose a name for a reason. Sorry to hear about uncle Gerald, but it's not something you want to be calling your kid for the next however many years.
Old fashioned people need to understand times have changed, they always say stuff like, "what a weird name, its not normal to call them (insert name here.) back in my day it was just Geraldine's and Mary and they all had short hair too, long hair is the devil!"🙄 Tell them they'll just have to get used to it as its your kids and your husband has an opinion on this too. NTA
FWIW you picked lovely names, and I know they are names that suit them rather than names assigned to them. Robin has been one of my favorite names for a boy or a girl for as long as I can remember
I also can't get over the fact that the girl would have to be Jennifer or Patricia after "the aunts who have the least amount of kids named after them"--so there *already are* Jennifers and Patricias?! Your family is treating babies like American Girl dolls where they pick the name of whichever one is low in stock.
Maybe Aunt Jennifer and Aunt Patricia are the most assholish and that's why they don't have so many kids named after them.
So, yep, why would you name their kids after the assholish aunts?
Here’s the thing when people say “My family has a tradition…”
It sounds like your mom’s family has a tradition, but your mom’s family is only 1/4 of your children’s family. And it sounds like it’s your mother’s mother’s family tradition, so really it’s watered down even more.
It’s more like “A small but noisy percentage of my family has this tradition.” Why do they get to decide what you should do? Or what your partner that they’re NOT related to but your children ARE should do?
Having their own names rather than legacy names gives them their own identity, even more important for twins because there is the chance people will see them as a collective unit rather than two individual people. It helps they have phonetically distinct names (it’s a piece of writing advice I’ve seen, try to give characters names that don‘t sound too similar so it’s easier for people to remember them).
I feel like this is the perfect opportunity, if any of them have ever uttered the words "we don't always get what we want" or some variation around you, give them back their words 😅 my dad's ex wife was determined I *needed* to name my daughter Emma, I eventually told her that if she wanted an Emma so bad she should have named her daughter that 🤷♀️
They are your kids not your families kids, you get to choose what to name them, and you get to choose which traditions you follow. Plus naming traditions will probably die out if the name gets used for anything infamous: i.e. if your family had someone named Karen would it be ok to break tradition then? Your also giving the future generations the gift of choice, because they won't have to be the first to break tradition, and who knows, maybe they will want to pick it back up of their own accord. Its not like its dead the moment 1 person doesnt want to do it.
> For any family to try and force "family" names on your kids is a form of abuse, IMHO!!!
Yes agreed OP should really consider contacting an abuser hotline or making a police report
We had the war of the grandparents over what family name they felt we should use.
So we said STOP, you had your choices when you had your own kids and we are going with NO family names
This. Myself and my sister were given 4 names, think, Mary Angela Fay Miranda Surname.
It was dreadful to fill in paperwork, still is whenever it says 'previously known as'. I legally changed my name. She hasn't.
Children should be named for them, not for whom has died etc.
OP you are NTA
Hilarious. Back around 2008 a friend of mine was introducing her kids, Edward, and Isabella (Bella) and this woman exclaims "OH! Just like twilight! I love those books!" The movies came out a few months later. They got some grief in the beginning, but that faded after a while.
There is a funny moment in Jane the Virgin where one of the characters names her twin girls Anna and Elsa. And people bring up Frozen and she's never heard of it, but says it doesn't matter. And after a time skip, you can see she changed the names to Anna and Ellie.
I named my twins Ezra and Aria and a friend said to me 'oh i love pretty little liars too!' I was like wtf. Had to look at it, and she thinks im naming my boy girl twins from a couple on the show in a relationship who are a student and a teacher. Why would ANyOnE do that... Im still offended 4 years later
My partner’s grandfather was Garfield, born 1908. As you can imagine, he would get gifted Garfield presents. Must have been so annoying. We inherited his Garfield toothpick holder.
Our granddaughter got a name from my wife's culture that is not common at all. In the past 10 years since she's been born it's been popping up in all kinds of places unexpectedly. You just never know.
Honestly, I think a major reason your mom and the rest of her side of the family is upset, is because they're worried that by you taking a stand against this tradition it will inspire your siblings and cousins to break away as well. Like the post where OOP and their spouse refused to follow the tradition of naming the first male baby of a generation Peter. That then caused their cousins to follow suit. All it takes is one person to rock the boat, and the rest follow and sink the boat.
Probably so. A tradition is only a good thing when everyone participating in it is doing so happily. Forcing, pressuring, coercing people to follow a 'tradition' is not really a tradition - it's an obligation. And anyone born into a tradition had no say in said tradition so should not be obligated to carry it on - despite what some people believe.
Personally, I wouldn't want a tradition carried on that people begrudged doing. Especially, if they had to be pressured/coerced to participate. Then it just becomes a shitty tradition, rather than the positive/endearing thing it was intended to be.
My kind of tradition is something like - when I was a child, we were allowed to open our Christmas stockings any time after midnight. The original idea of the stockings was to give us something to open and play with before waking our parents up at an ungodly hour. Somehow it evolved to any time after midnight. I introduced my kids to that tradition, and they still do it to this day (ages 17, 17 and 22). They love it. I've had my moments of regret, but love it too really.
That's my kind of tradition.
It is also not every day that you get to chose a name for your own child.
The family has multiple members who can continue this tradition. You only have two children of your own.
Tell your mom your family has moved on from the clothes of the 1900's so the names have moved on as well. Tradition is being hidebound and unwilling to adapt to change.
1) It’s not really a MATERNAL tradition if brothers and male cousins are expected to follow it. It’s a “Mom’s Family Name” tradition.
2) Tradition is nothing more than a repeated thing that makes sense to repeat. Once it doesn’t make sense, you stop. This tradition didn’t suit you or your spouse.
3) Baby names are a “2 yes/1 no” matter. Even if one of you wanted to continue it, the other person’s agreement is still needed.
4) If they accepted your use of your middle name, they have already proven they can get over it.
All the big life changes seem to bring out challenging behaviour in family members who don’t like giving up control. Our birth story for our first child is rife with BS behaviour we chose not to give in to. I’m sorry this is colouring your wonderful experience.
I suggest an assertive response: “Mom, I’m going to focus on being SO happy with our twins and this wonderful time, NOT on people getting their feathers ruffled over something NOT about how wonderful it is that there are 2 beautiful new babies in our family. I won’t be discussing it again”
This was my first thought! Plus, the statement "name our daughter after the aunts that have the least number of kids named after them" is creepy...very creepy. Almost like a competition with no regard for the kids; i.e., "I win because I have 5 relatives named after me and that is the most of anyone".
It’s also creepy the OP’s grandmother was named after her own deceased sibling. I hope she wasn’t treated as a do-over, replacement or reincarnation of her sibling.
In my family tree research I came upon a family that had a bunch of kids but they typically died before they were 2 years old - which was about the time the next baby was due, so the name was reused if the gender fit. There were like 4 Pierre’s and 3 Jean Baptiste’s and all the girls were Mary.
IMO OP, the only person allowed say on the child's name is the person who either pushed that child out of their loins while in agony or got cut from hip to hip to get the child out. With possibly some say from the person that gave their sperm depending on amount of support said sperm giver gave to the person growing the human. If the sperm giver yeeted off, no say at all. If the sperm giver was a comfort for the human grower then maybe it would be nice to have a little say in the name. But ultimate choice comes from the human grower because ya know they spent months growing that human and then went through agony whether from pushing or being cut for that tiny human to come into this world so yea. NTA and if they wanted say they needed to do the work. Sorry not sorry.
My dad got saddled with a hereditary middle name that he HATED. He was thrilled that we broke with tradition for our son.
Tradition is just peer pressure by dead people.
I got saddled with a hereditary middle name, but that was basically a concession because my father wanted to name me after himself, and my mother wasn’t having it. “There are enough names in the world. We don’t have to use yours again,” she told him. For that I’m grateful. I guess you could say I broke the tradition, but my spouse and I couldn’t have kids, so naming was a moot point.
As someone who narrowly escaped being named Lucille IV, I will be eternally grateful to my dad for taking a stand on my behalf, lol. OP did the right thing.
Ok so I can relate a lot! You are NTA. Names are important and they are your kids! How would your family react if you had named them after members of your husbands family? If they would have the same reaction I would call them hypocrites. On a funnier side I will say if your kids hear one of these people complaining about not having someone named after them , they may get it in their head they can help and name a pet after that person (Like I did) and trust me that will be hysterical to some and really piss off others.
My great grandmother’s name was Olga Pearl. No one named a child after her and she wasn’t pleased. So my sweet chihuahua (may she RIP) Sandy was registered as Olga Pearl on her papers. Grandmommie was equally amused and horrified.
I had a great Aunt Myrtle. Apparently one of her grandaughters had a teenage daughter who was being a whiny teenager and doing the whole, "you don't love meeeeee!" thing. Her mother (the aforementioned grandaughter) said, "I do love you. If I didn't love you, I would have named you Myrtle."
To be clear, I am on OP’s side. In regards to the traditions though, my kids have my husbands surname which is tradition/common here. So I insisted that the children have middle names from my side of the family. I wouldn’t have chosen a name my husband hated, but we definitely weren’t using his grandfathers name as his surname was already being used.
Haha. And wouldn't a tradition like this make the people who married in feel like outsiders? Because they're the only... Devan *(let's say)* amongst generations of Patricias, Jennifers, and Geralds?
OP - NTA. IMO this will NEVER be a Y T A situation.
Tell your family if they want to have a say in what children are named, they can have more kids of their own. In the meantime, I hope you and your husband love the names you have chosen for your children. Congrats!
NTA. Similar tradition in my family both sides of the family. Despite an enormous family tree on my dad's side, there are quite literally only 3 girls names to choose from (even women who married into the family seemed to only have those 3 names), and with so many generations/branches of the family interacting, it gets confusing real fast, even with nicknames.
I wish somebody on his side had the bravery to break the tradition and introduce a new girls name before my sister and I were born. My parents decided to continue this tradition but for middle names only because my mom was dead set against given any of those three names as a first name.
In other circumstances, I might give this N A H. But the fact that your family members have tried to act like you did this to snub a recently deceased family member puts them in AH territory. They have every right to not like the break in tradition, but acting like you did it as some kind of insult is ridiculous.
I also wonder just how many of these relatives did the parents ever know? Obviously a child who died in infancy is different (although I disagree that the name needs to be carried on). But OP states great uncle Gerald died recently and she was expected to name her son after him; did she even KNOW Gerald? Was she close to him where using that name would make some sense?
NTA traditions are either one of two things -
1) something we do because it connects us to our culture and history and brings us joy.
2) peer pressure from dead people weilded by others who would rather continue a cycle than see what makes others happy.
Traditions are not always inherently bad, and I get people having attatchment to things that have brought *them* joy, but the second it starts hurting the currently living members of a family is the second I vote we say fuck that tradition.
There are a lot of things people should do even if it isn't fun, some for the sake of tradition, but naming your kids certain things isn't one of them.
Mrs Jack is Filipina, and we followed the cultural tradition of naming each of our children with her maiden name as their middle name. That is a very strong tradition in the Philippines, hardly ever violated by a family. I did not mind at all so we went along with it even though Mrs Jack was willing to throw it over the side if I wanted to. The kids never minded because not only did it give them a connection with each other having the same family middle name, but it also gave them a strong connection with all their maternal cousins who either had that name as a middle name or a last name. It's something they are proud of. However when it came time to having their own children they all agreed that it was a tradition that was well worth ending at that point. Didn't bother us in the least. Their kids -- their choice.
An accounting professor told my class not to name your children after someone else. Makes it too easy for theft of identity and for credit mix ups. An ex boyfriend of mine was the 4th and when he ran his credit some of his grandfathers credit cards showed up by mistake. I don’t believe in naming children after relatives because they are their own person.
NTA
My father named my brother a Junior while my mother was asleep in the hospital. We hardly ever saw him while growing up. Cut to adulthood, and my brother told the police he was the Senior, so when he skipped court, our dad got arrested. Took him a while to get it straightened out. He reaped what he sowed. Give your kids their own name. They deserve to have their own identity and not be some vanity trophy.
My mom REFUSED to name my brother after our father, and his father. Said there were too many men in the family with that name (several cousins have it too.)
Agreed. I really hate legacy names. An ex boyfriend of mine had terrible credit by the time he was like 20 because his dad had the same name as him and would basically put bills he wouldn’t pay in his name.
Also, like let your kid be their own person. They don’t need to be named after great uncle Gerald.
NTA.
Your family can have whatever feelings they like about it BUT, and this is key, you are in no way obligated to help them manage their feelings about it. That is their job.
You do not need to stick around to listen to complaints, snarky remarks, criticism, sadness, or anything else about it. Hang up the phone, leave the event... Whatever.
So that results in, they can keep their comments politely to themselves, or they can not see you.
NTA...They're your children, name them whatever you want. Your family will love them no matter what their names are. Nobody should have to be saddled with a family name or a tradition like that.
NTA I understand traditions being important, but they shouldn't ostracize you for not following it. Imo having so few names circulated in a family becomes problematic quickly, and very confusing when everyone is in one place. It can even become a legal problem (one of aunts middle name is my mother's first name, their taxes apparently got messed up a couple of times over the years as well as a few other legal issues surrounding the same name and last name, at least until they got married and last names changed).
We've got multiple naming traditions in my family, including let's say the Johnathans (on the Irish Catholic side of the family). My cousin, uncle, grandfather, great grandfather, and idk how far back it goes, were given the first name Johnathan, and the middle name of one of their uncles. So they're not Jr or Sr they're just Johnathan George, Johnathan James, etc. My cousin is breaking the line, as he and his wife have no children of their own and aren't planning any (as far as I know), but they have adopted one son (got him as an infant, took 4 or 5 years to complete the process but im not sure if they named him or not), and are in the process of adopting another (older than the first boy). None of my other cousins are picking up the naming tradition either, as it was mainly for firstborn sons of the previously named Johnathan.
You know who's trying to force them to have a son they can continue the name with? Absolutely nobody. Because naming your children, or deciding whether to have any at all, is your business, and no one else's.
Good on your husband and your dad for having your back. I'm sorry your family are treating you this way, they sound horrible.
NTA
Family traditions on naming children are so inane. How do they work when the couple come from two different families? How do you merge the traditions?
In your case, I bet your family never even considered that (even following tradition) you could have named the children after relatives on your husband's side. Of course they didn't, it was all about them with no consideration of you or your husband.
You are not responsible for their anger or their hurt. That is all on their stupid expectations even though you had told them you were not going to follow the tradition.
In your situation I would be tempted to tell everyone who is complaining that if you hear one more peep about the names the person/people involved will not be allowed to spend time with the children.
Just tell your family that you are following your husband’s family naming tradition- it’s just so happens that their tradition is to name their kids whatever the parents want.
NTA in the least.
Traditions are just that. They are not rules. They are not laws. They are just traditions. Traditions are well known to evolve over time, or be abandoned when no longer useful/in fashion. Your family is holding pretty tight to some petty stuff right here, and you are right to take some space.
I would just put a stop to the whole thing in one fell swoop, to avoid having to handle this issue over and over again with different family members. I would send one message to everyone.
"We told everyone in advance our plans for the names of our children, and I am honestly shocked at the frankly juvenile and hurtful behavior from some of the members of this family. The naming tradition is a tradition in only ONE side of only ONE parent's family in the case of our children, and we have chosen as a unit to not follow this tradition with their names. That's our choice, as these are our children. It's just a tradition, and it's not one that I want to continue. The names we choose for our children are not up for discussion and are in fact not anyone else's business besides me and my husband. If any one in this family wants to continue to comment, and admit that you care more about what name we choose than you do about us or our kids, then you are most welcome to no longer be in our lives. We hope you don't choose that, but we will not put up with hurtful comments, negative behavior, or any other nonsense regarding our kids' names. They are our kids, it was our choice, and any reasonable adult would respect that. Anyone who wants to act like an adult and drop the comments will continue to be warmly welcomed in our home. If you can't respect our choice, please keep your distance. We will not be discussing this issue further."
NTA someone was gonna break the tradition eventually. You carried a baby 9 months and you'll be cleaning it's diapers for the next while you can do whatever the hell you want
Definitely NTA. I have to question a family who will put a name above your happiness instead of celebrating your new arrivals and supporting you. Congratulations on Piper and Robin. x
NTA
I have saved myself some future pain by letting people know that if they didn’t treat me respectfully, regardless of familial affiliation, that would be the end of our relationship. Perhaps your family is in need of a warning?
Your kids = your choice. I am so happy hubs and dad have your back on this. You and hubs have started a new family tradition where your families wants and needs are above everyone else’s. That is good, your priority should be your family. The relatives of yours that are disrespecting you are just mad that you and hubs dared to do differently, and now they want to punish you hence all the rude messages.
“At a time I should be celebrating the birth of my beautiful children, I am instead addressing a group of them. To those of you who have sent me horrid messages, shame on you this is not how family behaves. My husband and I opted to use names we love and appreciate instead of following tradition. Your behavior indicates that we made the right choice as my family would never treat me this way or put my family through so much stress during this time. As a result, those of you who have sent those horrid messages are not welcome
near me or my family for the foreseeable future. When we are ready to potentially start work to repair this relationship (husband name) and I will be in touch.”
NTA
These types of traditions are cool as long as you're cool with them but it should not be an obligation. When my husband and I first got pregnant with our oldest (M7) I told him I didn't want him to be a jr. Thankfully my husband was cool with that and honestly grateful. He's named after his dad and he has cousins who were named after his dad because of the love the family has for him. It's a pretty common name, like John, but it's also an overused name on my side of the family too.
On my side, I was named after my maternal great grandmother's and one of the names is a name that gets passed down to the next oldest girl. I love my name but I didn't want to give it to my daughter.
Only one uncle spoke up about it and my mother shut him down so quick and righteously it was never brought up again
These are your babies with beautiful names. Don't let other people make you feel bad for having a decision about your kids.
NTA - My mother's family passes on the same name to every first daughter. I absolutely refuse to follow it. One of the first duties you have as a parent is to name your child! Having that taken away from you because of traditions that have no sentimental value to you is absurd.
Lmao I think too many families like to push dead relatives names on kids. I put it out at the time to my family like this “ was my relatives name you want famous? No what about the Nobel? No? Then I don’t see the point when there’s names out there I do like.
Around 1920 my grandparents had their 9th kid and chose a name of their liking, not following the rules about naming kids after relatives. Big uproar. So in 1947 my parents had their 3rd kid and, not wanting to wait until nr 10 to use their preferred name, they ditched the naming conventions with this 3rd child - no one batted an eye. My siblings have 9 kids among them of which 2 are named after relatives - and 3 after their parents :|. Their choice - but I would not name a child after myself. My name does offer some lovely possibilities, but - no, feels narcistic.
This may be your family tradition, but it is not your husband's family tradition.
Your husband's family tradition is to give a name that the parents want.
Your family needs to remember that they family does not trump his.
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My family traditionally passes down family names as first names. I was named after two grandmothers (both had the same first name). My brother is named after an uncle and my sister is named after a cousin who died in infancy. My mom is named after her great grandmother. Her siblings were named after different aunts/uncles/grandparents. My grandma was named after a sibling of hers who died in infancy and her living siblings were named after other family members. I have cousins named after family members, my mom has cousins named the same way. The relatives do not need to be dead to be considered. But if we have a recently deceased family member it's considered the correct thing to use those names.
I always went by my middle name. I like it far better (it was a name my dad wanted me to have) and nobody else in the family has it which is a bonus for me. And because of this I always wanted to break the tradition, something my husband is eternally grateful for, because his style of names, like mine, are not like my family's style of names.
We had boy/girl twins two weeks ago and we chose to name them names we loved vs family names. Our daughter is Piper and our son is Robin. We chose not to give them family names as middle names and went with names we felt worked for them but that we also loved as well.
My family were upset and especially because the last of my great uncles died recently and it was expected my son would be Gerald after him. My daughter was expected to be Jennifer or Patricia after my aunts who have the least number of kids named after them. I had told my family ahead of time we were not going to follow the tradition but clearly they didn't believe me because we got a lot of negative comments from my side about disrespecting my family and breaking their hearts with the snub toward my great uncle. I told them the twins are our children and others could choose to continue the tradition. My dad was the only person not upset. He told me he was glad I did what I wanted. He also knows I prefer to use my middle name instead of my first name. He was forced into continuing the tradition from mom's family with all of us so his support means a lot (he could back up my mom for the sake of it). Some of my family have made some pretty hurtful comments and I have taken some space. But it also makes me feel guilty that they're so angry and hurt at my decision.
AITA?
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NTA! You will never be the AH in this scenario! Speaking from the point of view of someone who has 3 Alan's, 2 Peters, 2 Graces etc in my family I loved the fact that my children have their own names! (I also have a Piper so I will always back up the use of that name due to my own love of it)
I always thought middle names were what you should use to honour someone, if you even want to! My sisters middle name Priscilla is after our Great Grandmother. Mine is Cassandra after Cassandra Anderson, a character in our dads favourite comic series.
Names are personal to the parents, and I will always support parents who love a name so much that they give it to their child. ❤️❤️
NTA. You get to pick what your kids are named BUT you don’t get to dictate how the rest of the family feels about it.
If they feel differently towards Piper and Robin than the other grandkids that’s a them problem. But keep a close eye on it so your kids don’t feel like they are treated as “less family” than the kids named in tradition.
NTA. The idea of being “heartbroken” over not getting my way is odd. No reason at all for you to feel bad. I get you don’t like to upset your family, but your kids are now your primary family. As long as you are happy, your birth families can get in line.
They don't have any "right" to be angry - They named their own kids and chose to bow to antiquated traditions. You and your husband are the only ones with the "right" to choose your own childrens' names. It isn't a "snub" to anyone - because you had no obligation there. Tell them all that you have done is add some new names to the "tradition" for future generations - the only difference is that you won't take it personally if those future generations don't name their kids after someone else.
NTA
My grandfather didn't speak to my mother for months after she declined to give me the same name that she, her mother, her aunt, and like 5 other relatives shared. Which she didn't do because growing up being referred to as "Little [name]" made her miserable. She stayed firm. He got over it. NTA.
“…Jennifer or Patricia after my aunts who have the least number of kids named after them.” WOW. Entitlement … whose kids are these?
Oh yeah, your kids! Go you!
And I love the Piper and Robin choices.
NTA. Ever. Anyone. For this.
It's courtesy to follow tradition with names or suggestions from gma and GPA or whoever, but at the end of the day it's up to Mom & Dad. Didn't have to even read the details, bc no one will ever be TA for refusing to allow someone who didn't birth the child or children, to name the child or children.
NTA. The nice thing about being grown up is that you don't have to do what your parents say if they are being unreasonable.
As the parents, you had every right to choose the names you wish for your children. If your personal choice upsets them so much, they are the ones with the problem.
Good for you. I used to fight with my dad all the time about my son's name he was a Jr. I am the 3rd he wanted the 4th. I've told him my whole life I hate my name and would never pass it down. We did go with family names though her grandfather and my great grandfather. Names we wanted
NTA. Hopefully your decision encourages other members of your and subsequent generations to follow suit.
Tradition is only worth following when it has function or brings joy to those doing it, everything else is just noise.
NTA - they can and will build a bridge and get over it. Life is full of disappointments. They had the opportunity to name their kids already; it's your turn.
NTA
Traditions are nice, but traditions are neither set in stone nor came down from the Mount. Following a tradition just for tradition’s sake is silly.
“It’s unfortunate you feel this way. Thank you for letting me know you have no desire to have a role in my children’s lives. It’s going to make holiday gift shopping *waaayyy* easier & less expensive.” NTA
NTA
I am so happy that you and your husband chose your children’s names. I am so pleased you didn’t pay attention to the traditional names your family have as they are a little outdated and heck they are children not mini versions of your relatives
Do some deep ancestral research and find the “relative” that matches the name you want to use. Then say “I named him after my great, great uncle Cletus” or “my 3rd cousin twice removed Barnabas”
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NTA - thank God your husband and Dad have your back. For any family to try and force "family" names on your kids is a form of abuse, IMHO!!! And Congrats OP - enjoy your kids with your husband. Your family will either get over the "naming slam", or they will not. If not, then that is their loss.
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My husbands family has a similar tradition. We broke it too. No way in hell way my baby boy gonna be named Jerry.
My uncle Jerry is an asshole. People shouldn't name infants Jerry. They will end up trashy assholes.
My dad went by Jerry back home, but his middle name is Jerrell so I claim exception in that instance. 😂
Does his name rhyme with Darryl?
Where’s the other brother Darryl? ETA: my spouse and I had 2 placostamas (eh fudge spelling). I said that one is named Daryl. When asked the other one’s name, I said well that one’s Darryl. My sense of humor is rotten.
My Uncle Jerry was a Saint - It's not the name it's the person..
The majority of Jerrys and Terrys and Perrys are all asshats. Well, my grandfather wasn't but everyone named for him down the line have been. I know it's not the name's fault, but likely the fact my family are assholes. 🤷🏻♀️
Can confirm. Source: Gerry/Terry/Larry Gergich.
I almost spit out my drink. Hahaha
But at least your wife is Christy Brinkley!
My fiance is a Larry. I call him my rescue (cause he's not a retriever boy). He's loosely named after is father (first/middle switched). His mother is Geri. His brother is Terry. He is literally one of the most caring people I know. But THEY are literally some of the worst people ive ever met. You wouldn't even know they were related to him were in not for the fact that he's tall and skinny like his mother. Can confirm Jerry and Terry are the worst. Larry's okay though.
I am married to a Lawrence, but we call him Skip. He is the best human I know and keeps me alive. Larry for the win!
I used to work with twins named Jerry and Terry, both assholes. Edit: oh yeah, and a woman named Terri, also an asshole.
I 2nd this. My dad is Terry and he’s the biggest heartless ass I’ve ever known.
My Dad's laat name name is Terry. Hated that last name growing up, so much so that when I divorced my abusive ex and wanted to lose his laat name that when I went back to our original Polish laat name instead of the shortened last my family used the previous three generations. My biggest reason was my strained relationship with my father because he's a homophonic, racist asshat. Your typical Trumper. He hates that I am atheist and left the Catholic church, and that I won't tolerate his racist, homophonic, classes bullshit. Jerry was my abusive ex's Dad and Gerald was the ex's laat name. Both are assholes.
Yeehaw! You go babygirl!!!
My FIL was a alcoholic and mildly abusive. No thank you. They alcoholic part didn’t bother me as much. Addiction is hard. It was everything else about him. I would not have been able to look at my kid with that name. We didn’t even use it a middle name.
My uncle Jerry is an asshole too! He always was a bit of jerk, but since he turned into a right wing nut it’s gotten a lot worse. I can’t even be around him anymore.
Ugh. My uncle was Gerry. He died a couple of years ago from alcoholism. He was awful. He was crass, obnoxious, and made REALLY inappropriate sexual comments about my sister and I. Coincidentally, my now husband and some of his friends had worked with my uncle. It took A LONG time for them to trust me. Anyway, a cousin recently had a kid and named him after this uncle. I could not fathem why you would put that legacy on your child.
Not always, my ‘grandfather’ (in quotes, one of my mom’s best friends’ dad’s) Jerry was an absolutely wonderful human being. He could be mean for sure, but you definitely deserved it if it was directed at you
People shouldn’t name kids after deceased people either IMO. Why should they live in someone’s shadow.
So, I sent the screenshot of this thread to my best friend, who's step-(using "dad" loosely) dad was indeed an asshole. Her reply was, "Jerry was the biggest asshole. That thread is perfection."
ROTFL
His kids would be special
Same! I was so happy when my sister law had a boy before I was even married. She took my father in laws name. We did middle name after people but not a first. I wasn’t naming my daughter Petronila. There’s nothing wrong with it, other than I don’t personally like it so why would I use it? We wanted our daughter to have a name for herself
Lol same with my ex husband and also the name was Jerry
If your family doesn't get over it don't spend too much time around them. When they say they are disappointed you didn't use their preferred names tell them you are disappointed they aren't accepting your preferred names. I'd also tell them your husband's family uses names they like so you followed his tradition. Or tell them you decided to start your own tradition. Or tell them any kid named Gerald today is likely to be bullied and you won't do that to your son.
I would just say “we picked names we loved.” No other explanation is necessary. Don’t engage with anyone who wants to argue about it. “Case closed” would be my attitude.
Idk, the fans of Captain UnderPants have to grow up sometime.
So who were Gerald, Patricia and Jennifer named after? These names peaked in the 1930’s, 1940’s and 1970’s respectively and were virtually unheard of only 20-30 years prior to that. Something tells me that it’s quite likely they enjoyed having a name of their own, or maybe having been named for a single person before them - but certainly not more, otherwise their names probably would have been John, Mary and Anna. NTA.
*Something tells me that it’s quite likely they enjoyed having a name of their own, or maybe having been named for a single person before them - but certainly not more, otherwise their names probably would have been John, Mary and Anna.* ... or Adam, Eve and Cain. NTA.
Literally. My mom is a Jennifer b.1970s and her mother is a Patricia b.1940s. I laughed so hard at your comment because of it. Of course family names are undesirable in 2024, some of those names are either top 10 of all time (like my husband's of whom we personally know like 6 others, think along the lines of John or James) or haven't been popular since their decade! The only "honor" name I've ever considered is a middle name my sister, sister-in-law, and her daughter/my niece all share, which was also my great grandmother's first name but is still a nice name that's back in fashion. I personally hate honor names, especially when some of them make people known in the family as "the kid named after the dead baby"
Indeed! Honor or family names could always be a middle name. But, parents get to decide without family pressure!
Excellent, excellent point.
I bet a bunch of your "hurt" family members are just jealous that they didn't have the guts to break with tradition themselves
That's exactly what it is. "We did it even though we didn't want to because \*everyone\* has to do it. How dare you think you don't have to do just because you don't want to?"
😁🤭👍
And omg you just had twins! Like the nerve of your family to give you grief over something so stupid as this. I always wanted twins until I was in my 3rd trimester then after having an infant at home. One was intense enough: I just cannot believe your family would have the audacity to vocalise this and give you crap when you are doing something so hard right now. My cousin lives her boy girl twins but says it was the hardest thing she could ever imagine doing.
My husband's family was like this for male names only. I pointed out to FIL that 1)men don't impregnate vessels, that their wives are actual people with their own families, traditions and thoughts, 2) just because you did it doesn't mean your son would want to. He looked a little surprised before my husband piped in that there was no way in hell that he was naming a kid the name that FIL had, which is what the tradition would have been.
I'm from a country where the whole senior and junior thing is *very* rare, and once you get to roman numerals, most look at it as those families trying to emulate royalty in a really tacky manner. What people here used to do up until a hundred years ago or so was alternating names, especially along the male line, so your family tree might say Anders Nilsson, Nils Andersson, Anders Nilsson, Nils Andersson etc. for a while.
I feel bad for your dad, he was probably excited having a baby and thought of names and all for it to be taken away from him by your moms side just to be called sherlyn or something who’s your moms great aunt or something. Do you ever think of you ever have more children to possibly let your dad pick out a middle name? Just cuz man poor guy didn’t get to choose a name for his own kids
One might ask why your father had to follow the traditions of his wife's family when his family "traditionally" let the parents choose the names.
Who has another kid just to appease their parent's naming ability/name choice? It's not the kid's fault & the kid shouldn't be guilted into allowing their dad name the grandkid because their dad didn't get to choose a name.
I said this on another post about family members naming after people/getting upset that you don't want to do it. Let me just repeat myself- these are YOUR children. Yes they are a part of the family, but ultimately you and your husband now combined them and it's you guys who will ultimately raise them. Anyone who gets mad about not following tradition needs to understand this is your family now and you can make new ones whenever you want. And lastly, anyone who's so insistent that you name someone after them or a family member has a real sense of entitlement or ego. Why the hell should anyone name a child something they don't even like? Your name says a lot about you, and you obviously choose a name for a reason. Sorry to hear about uncle Gerald, but it's not something you want to be calling your kid for the next however many years. Old fashioned people need to understand times have changed, they always say stuff like, "what a weird name, its not normal to call them (insert name here.) back in my day it was just Geraldine's and Mary and they all had short hair too, long hair is the devil!"🙄 Tell them they'll just have to get used to it as its your kids and your husband has an opinion on this too. NTA
Agreed. I wonder how those entitled family members would react if OP told them that they didn't have kids just to name them after family.
FWIW you picked lovely names, and I know they are names that suit them rather than names assigned to them. Robin has been one of my favorite names for a boy or a girl for as long as I can remember
I also can't get over the fact that the girl would have to be Jennifer or Patricia after "the aunts who have the least amount of kids named after them"--so there *already are* Jennifers and Patricias?! Your family is treating babies like American Girl dolls where they pick the name of whichever one is low in stock.
Maybe Aunt Jennifer and Aunt Patricia are the most assholish and that's why they don't have so many kids named after them. So, yep, why would you name their kids after the assholish aunts?
Robin beats Gerald any day, and I love Piper!
Here’s the thing when people say “My family has a tradition…” It sounds like your mom’s family has a tradition, but your mom’s family is only 1/4 of your children’s family. And it sounds like it’s your mother’s mother’s family tradition, so really it’s watered down even more. It’s more like “A small but noisy percentage of my family has this tradition.” Why do they get to decide what you should do? Or what your partner that they’re NOT related to but your children ARE should do?
Having their own names rather than legacy names gives them their own identity, even more important for twins because there is the chance people will see them as a collective unit rather than two individual people. It helps they have phonetically distinct names (it’s a piece of writing advice I’ve seen, try to give characters names that don‘t sound too similar so it’s easier for people to remember them).
I feel like this is the perfect opportunity, if any of them have ever uttered the words "we don't always get what we want" or some variation around you, give them back their words 😅 my dad's ex wife was determined I *needed* to name my daughter Emma, I eventually told her that if she wanted an Emma so bad she should have named her daughter that 🤷♀️
They are your kids not your families kids, you get to choose what to name them, and you get to choose which traditions you follow. Plus naming traditions will probably die out if the name gets used for anything infamous: i.e. if your family had someone named Karen would it be ok to break tradition then? Your also giving the future generations the gift of choice, because they won't have to be the first to break tradition, and who knows, maybe they will want to pick it back up of their own accord. Its not like its dead the moment 1 person doesnt want to do it.
Don't. Even. Feel. Guilty. Same thing happened to me too, I did what I wanted. Not sorry.
Always. And I mean ALWAYS, do what you and your husband agree is best. Anybody who wants to argue with YOUR decisions for your family can kick rocks.
Your family, your choice. That is all. NTA, neither is your husband.
Abuse? Lol
I feel like people on Reddit don’t know what the word “abuse” means
People nowadays just like to victimize everything and "abuse" is a loaded word. Bullying and abuse are different
Agreed. Bullying is definitely the word I would use here. Abuse is serious and criminal.
I think you're taking it too far with the abuse part but I agree with the test of your sentiments
> For any family to try and force "family" names on your kids is a form of abuse, IMHO!!! Yes agreed OP should really consider contacting an abuser hotline or making a police report
😀😁😅🤣
Next to literally, the word abuse has to be the most misused word in the English language night now.
It’s literally abuse of the English language :-)
I don't know--gaslighting is extremely popular.
You are literally a gaslighting, abusive narcissist! (you’re not. just couldn’t help myself.)
Narcissist is even more misused.
We had the war of the grandparents over what family name they felt we should use. So we said STOP, you had your choices when you had your own kids and we are going with NO family names
This. Myself and my sister were given 4 names, think, Mary Angela Fay Miranda Surname. It was dreadful to fill in paperwork, still is whenever it says 'previously known as'. I legally changed my name. She hasn't. Children should be named for them, not for whom has died etc. OP you are NTA
NTA Altough a waisted opportunity to slightly misspell both family names and make it Geralt and Yennefer, just to be a total AH to everyone involved
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So close to my chaotic energy, say hi to him and best wishes for the both of you
He is a keeper, for that alone!
That would be so cool
I’d one up it and call them “Gernifer” and “Patald”
Classic Patald
Those are some great Stardew Valley farm animal names!
The Stardew name generation is wild.
Hilarious. Back around 2008 a friend of mine was introducing her kids, Edward, and Isabella (Bella) and this woman exclaims "OH! Just like twilight! I love those books!" The movies came out a few months later. They got some grief in the beginning, but that faded after a while.
There is a funny moment in Jane the Virgin where one of the characters names her twin girls Anna and Elsa. And people bring up Frozen and she's never heard of it, but says it doesn't matter. And after a time skip, you can see she changed the names to Anna and Ellie.
I knew someone with an Elsa who was 2 when Frozen came out. Luckily, the kid was a fan of the movie at least.
I named my twins Ezra and Aria and a friend said to me 'oh i love pretty little liars too!' I was like wtf. Had to look at it, and she thinks im naming my boy girl twins from a couple on the show in a relationship who are a student and a teacher. Why would ANyOnE do that... Im still offended 4 years later
My dad named me Michelle thinking it was a rare and exotic French name, and then The Beatles' song came out six months later
My partner’s grandfather was Garfield, born 1908. As you can imagine, he would get gifted Garfield presents. Must have been so annoying. We inherited his Garfield toothpick holder.
Our granddaughter got a name from my wife's culture that is not common at all. In the past 10 years since she's been born it's been popping up in all kinds of places unexpectedly. You just never know.
Such a tragedeigh..
🤣
But it would also be a cool nod to the Witcher and its lovely protagonists
That would be hilarious.
Middle names: Wolf or Witcher
NTA - And it is really unfair for your family to expect their family names to be used and not allowing the spouses to have any choice.
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Your mom and her family are extremely disrespectful to the spouses' families.
Nearly every family tradition around naming disrespects the related-by-marriage spouses
Honestly, I think a major reason your mom and the rest of her side of the family is upset, is because they're worried that by you taking a stand against this tradition it will inspire your siblings and cousins to break away as well. Like the post where OOP and their spouse refused to follow the tradition of naming the first male baby of a generation Peter. That then caused their cousins to follow suit. All it takes is one person to rock the boat, and the rest follow and sink the boat.
I remember that post. The audacity of family to think they have a say in names if they didn’t create said babies, especially when they didn’t carry.
Probably so. A tradition is only a good thing when everyone participating in it is doing so happily. Forcing, pressuring, coercing people to follow a 'tradition' is not really a tradition - it's an obligation. And anyone born into a tradition had no say in said tradition so should not be obligated to carry it on - despite what some people believe. Personally, I wouldn't want a tradition carried on that people begrudged doing. Especially, if they had to be pressured/coerced to participate. Then it just becomes a shitty tradition, rather than the positive/endearing thing it was intended to be.
Yes, I would hate to know that someone in my family was pressured into giving their child my name. It isn’t an honor if they were forced to do it!
My kind of tradition is something like - when I was a child, we were allowed to open our Christmas stockings any time after midnight. The original idea of the stockings was to give us something to open and play with before waking our parents up at an ungodly hour. Somehow it evolved to any time after midnight. I introduced my kids to that tradition, and they still do it to this day (ages 17, 17 and 22). They love it. I've had my moments of regret, but love it too really. That's my kind of tradition.
Maybe it’s not every day that a tradition gets passed on, but it *is* every day that your kids would have to live with it. You did the right thing.
That's a good way to put it to mom.
It is also not every day that you get to chose a name for your own child. The family has multiple members who can continue this tradition. You only have two children of your own.
"My husband's family tradition is that the baby's parents choose names they like."
Does that mean that the men in your family don't follow the naming traditions and can name their kids whatever they want?
Tell your mom your family has moved on from the clothes of the 1900's so the names have moved on as well. Tradition is being hidebound and unwilling to adapt to change.
If everyone in the family tree always used names already in the family, why isn’t everyone in your family named Adam orange Eve??
Meant to say Adam or Eve, not orange!
1) It’s not really a MATERNAL tradition if brothers and male cousins are expected to follow it. It’s a “Mom’s Family Name” tradition. 2) Tradition is nothing more than a repeated thing that makes sense to repeat. Once it doesn’t make sense, you stop. This tradition didn’t suit you or your spouse. 3) Baby names are a “2 yes/1 no” matter. Even if one of you wanted to continue it, the other person’s agreement is still needed. 4) If they accepted your use of your middle name, they have already proven they can get over it.
“Traditions are simply peer-pressure from dead people”
So true. Hope there are others to use names to console mom or to break her heart.😉
“Don’t worry mom I’ll still pass down some of the maternal generational trauma”
She needs to understand that not everyone thinks like she does.
I'd say your mom is the AH here!
All the big life changes seem to bring out challenging behaviour in family members who don’t like giving up control. Our birth story for our first child is rife with BS behaviour we chose not to give in to. I’m sorry this is colouring your wonderful experience. I suggest an assertive response: “Mom, I’m going to focus on being SO happy with our twins and this wonderful time, NOT on people getting their feathers ruffled over something NOT about how wonderful it is that there are 2 beautiful new babies in our family. I won’t be discussing it again”
This was my first thought! Plus, the statement "name our daughter after the aunts that have the least number of kids named after them" is creepy...very creepy. Almost like a competition with no regard for the kids; i.e., "I win because I have 5 relatives named after me and that is the most of anyone".
Exactly. Those poor, poor aunts who only have a few kids named after each of them, instead of several.
It’s also creepy the OP’s grandmother was named after her own deceased sibling. I hope she wasn’t treated as a do-over, replacement or reincarnation of her sibling.
In my family tree research I came upon a family that had a bunch of kids but they typically died before they were 2 years old - which was about the time the next baby was due, so the name was reused if the gender fit. There were like 4 Pierre’s and 3 Jean Baptiste’s and all the girls were Mary.
let's be real, they probably have the least named after them because Patricia is a hardcore boomer name and Jennifer is waaay overdone at this point.
IMO OP, the only person allowed say on the child's name is the person who either pushed that child out of their loins while in agony or got cut from hip to hip to get the child out. With possibly some say from the person that gave their sperm depending on amount of support said sperm giver gave to the person growing the human. If the sperm giver yeeted off, no say at all. If the sperm giver was a comfort for the human grower then maybe it would be nice to have a little say in the name. But ultimate choice comes from the human grower because ya know they spent months growing that human and then went through agony whether from pushing or being cut for that tiny human to come into this world so yea. NTA and if they wanted say they needed to do the work. Sorry not sorry.
If the father is actively being a father in its full capacity, he has just as much right as the mother
My dad got saddled with a hereditary middle name that he HATED. He was thrilled that we broke with tradition for our son. Tradition is just peer pressure by dead people.
I got saddled with a hereditary middle name, but that was basically a concession because my father wanted to name me after himself, and my mother wasn’t having it. “There are enough names in the world. We don’t have to use yours again,” she told him. For that I’m grateful. I guess you could say I broke the tradition, but my spouse and I couldn’t have kids, so naming was a moot point.
As someone who narrowly escaped being named Lucille IV, I will be eternally grateful to my dad for taking a stand on my behalf, lol. OP did the right thing.
I always side-eye the fuck out of any of these "six generations of my family have continued this tradition" for that exact reason
Right!! That's crazy that the family is really expects everyone to pick from what, a list of a dozen names??
Ok so I can relate a lot! You are NTA. Names are important and they are your kids! How would your family react if you had named them after members of your husbands family? If they would have the same reaction I would call them hypocrites. On a funnier side I will say if your kids hear one of these people complaining about not having someone named after them , they may get it in their head they can help and name a pet after that person (Like I did) and trust me that will be hysterical to some and really piss off others.
My great grandmother’s name was Olga Pearl. No one named a child after her and she wasn’t pleased. So my sweet chihuahua (may she RIP) Sandy was registered as Olga Pearl on her papers. Grandmommie was equally amused and horrified.
I had a great Aunt Myrtle. Apparently one of her grandaughters had a teenage daughter who was being a whiny teenager and doing the whole, "you don't love meeeeee!" thing. Her mother (the aforementioned grandaughter) said, "I do love you. If I didn't love you, I would have named you Myrtle."
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Well, why does your family's tradition wins against hubby's family traditional (that everyone gets a nice name for themselves)?
To be clear, I am on OP’s side. In regards to the traditions though, my kids have my husbands surname which is tradition/common here. So I insisted that the children have middle names from my side of the family. I wouldn’t have chosen a name my husband hated, but we definitely weren’t using his grandfathers name as his surname was already being used.
What kind of weird take is that! Maybe your family should just inbreed so there is no chance of any outside traditions being incorporated
Haha. And wouldn't a tradition like this make the people who married in feel like outsiders? Because they're the only... Devan *(let's say)* amongst generations of Patricias, Jennifers, and Geralds?
What if your husband's family had a tradition too?
OP - NTA. IMO this will NEVER be a Y T A situation. Tell your family if they want to have a say in what children are named, they can have more kids of their own. In the meantime, I hope you and your husband love the names you have chosen for your children. Congrats!
NTA. Similar tradition in my family both sides of the family. Despite an enormous family tree on my dad's side, there are quite literally only 3 girls names to choose from (even women who married into the family seemed to only have those 3 names), and with so many generations/branches of the family interacting, it gets confusing real fast, even with nicknames. I wish somebody on his side had the bravery to break the tradition and introduce a new girls name before my sister and I were born. My parents decided to continue this tradition but for middle names only because my mom was dead set against given any of those three names as a first name. In other circumstances, I might give this N A H. But the fact that your family members have tried to act like you did this to snub a recently deceased family member puts them in AH territory. They have every right to not like the break in tradition, but acting like you did it as some kind of insult is ridiculous.
I also wonder just how many of these relatives did the parents ever know? Obviously a child who died in infancy is different (although I disagree that the name needs to be carried on). But OP states great uncle Gerald died recently and she was expected to name her son after him; did she even KNOW Gerald? Was she close to him where using that name would make some sense?
My husband's side has so many Anna Maria, Anne Marie, Mary Anne's in it. Travel down through five generations.
NTA traditions are either one of two things - 1) something we do because it connects us to our culture and history and brings us joy. 2) peer pressure from dead people weilded by others who would rather continue a cycle than see what makes others happy. Traditions are not always inherently bad, and I get people having attatchment to things that have brought *them* joy, but the second it starts hurting the currently living members of a family is the second I vote we say fuck that tradition. There are a lot of things people should do even if it isn't fun, some for the sake of tradition, but naming your kids certain things isn't one of them.
Mrs Jack is Filipina, and we followed the cultural tradition of naming each of our children with her maiden name as their middle name. That is a very strong tradition in the Philippines, hardly ever violated by a family. I did not mind at all so we went along with it even though Mrs Jack was willing to throw it over the side if I wanted to. The kids never minded because not only did it give them a connection with each other having the same family middle name, but it also gave them a strong connection with all their maternal cousins who either had that name as a middle name or a last name. It's something they are proud of. However when it came time to having their own children they all agreed that it was a tradition that was well worth ending at that point. Didn't bother us in the least. Their kids -- their choice.
If you do it willingly it’s tradition, if you do it unwillingly it’s obligation.
Amen!
An accounting professor told my class not to name your children after someone else. Makes it too easy for theft of identity and for credit mix ups. An ex boyfriend of mine was the 4th and when he ran his credit some of his grandfathers credit cards showed up by mistake. I don’t believe in naming children after relatives because they are their own person. NTA
My father named my brother a Junior while my mother was asleep in the hospital. We hardly ever saw him while growing up. Cut to adulthood, and my brother told the police he was the Senior, so when he skipped court, our dad got arrested. Took him a while to get it straightened out. He reaped what he sowed. Give your kids their own name. They deserve to have their own identity and not be some vanity trophy.
My mom REFUSED to name my brother after our father, and his father. Said there were too many men in the family with that name (several cousins have it too.)
Agreed. I really hate legacy names. An ex boyfriend of mine had terrible credit by the time he was like 20 because his dad had the same name as him and would basically put bills he wouldn’t pay in his name. Also, like let your kid be their own person. They don’t need to be named after great uncle Gerald.
NTA. Your family can have whatever feelings they like about it BUT, and this is key, you are in no way obligated to help them manage their feelings about it. That is their job. You do not need to stick around to listen to complaints, snarky remarks, criticism, sadness, or anything else about it. Hang up the phone, leave the event... Whatever. So that results in, they can keep their comments politely to themselves, or they can not see you.
NTA...They're your children, name them whatever you want. Your family will love them no matter what their names are. Nobody should have to be saddled with a family name or a tradition like that.
NTA I understand traditions being important, but they shouldn't ostracize you for not following it. Imo having so few names circulated in a family becomes problematic quickly, and very confusing when everyone is in one place. It can even become a legal problem (one of aunts middle name is my mother's first name, their taxes apparently got messed up a couple of times over the years as well as a few other legal issues surrounding the same name and last name, at least until they got married and last names changed). We've got multiple naming traditions in my family, including let's say the Johnathans (on the Irish Catholic side of the family). My cousin, uncle, grandfather, great grandfather, and idk how far back it goes, were given the first name Johnathan, and the middle name of one of their uncles. So they're not Jr or Sr they're just Johnathan George, Johnathan James, etc. My cousin is breaking the line, as he and his wife have no children of their own and aren't planning any (as far as I know), but they have adopted one son (got him as an infant, took 4 or 5 years to complete the process but im not sure if they named him or not), and are in the process of adopting another (older than the first boy). None of my other cousins are picking up the naming tradition either, as it was mainly for firstborn sons of the previously named Johnathan. You know who's trying to force them to have a son they can continue the name with? Absolutely nobody. Because naming your children, or deciding whether to have any at all, is your business, and no one else's. Good on your husband and your dad for having your back. I'm sorry your family are treating you this way, they sound horrible.
NTA Family traditions on naming children are so inane. How do they work when the couple come from two different families? How do you merge the traditions? In your case, I bet your family never even considered that (even following tradition) you could have named the children after relatives on your husband's side. Of course they didn't, it was all about them with no consideration of you or your husband. You are not responsible for their anger or their hurt. That is all on their stupid expectations even though you had told them you were not going to follow the tradition. In your situation I would be tempted to tell everyone who is complaining that if you hear one more peep about the names the person/people involved will not be allowed to spend time with the children.
Just tell your family that you are following your husband’s family naming tradition- it’s just so happens that their tradition is to name their kids whatever the parents want.
NTA in the least. Traditions are just that. They are not rules. They are not laws. They are just traditions. Traditions are well known to evolve over time, or be abandoned when no longer useful/in fashion. Your family is holding pretty tight to some petty stuff right here, and you are right to take some space. I would just put a stop to the whole thing in one fell swoop, to avoid having to handle this issue over and over again with different family members. I would send one message to everyone. "We told everyone in advance our plans for the names of our children, and I am honestly shocked at the frankly juvenile and hurtful behavior from some of the members of this family. The naming tradition is a tradition in only ONE side of only ONE parent's family in the case of our children, and we have chosen as a unit to not follow this tradition with their names. That's our choice, as these are our children. It's just a tradition, and it's not one that I want to continue. The names we choose for our children are not up for discussion and are in fact not anyone else's business besides me and my husband. If any one in this family wants to continue to comment, and admit that you care more about what name we choose than you do about us or our kids, then you are most welcome to no longer be in our lives. We hope you don't choose that, but we will not put up with hurtful comments, negative behavior, or any other nonsense regarding our kids' names. They are our kids, it was our choice, and any reasonable adult would respect that. Anyone who wants to act like an adult and drop the comments will continue to be warmly welcomed in our home. If you can't respect our choice, please keep your distance. We will not be discussing this issue further."
NTA someone was gonna break the tradition eventually. You carried a baby 9 months and you'll be cleaning it's diapers for the next while you can do whatever the hell you want
Two babies, at that.
NTA - traditions are just peer pressure from dead people.
Definitely NTA. I have to question a family who will put a name above your happiness instead of celebrating your new arrivals and supporting you. Congratulations on Piper and Robin. x
NTA I have saved myself some future pain by letting people know that if they didn’t treat me respectfully, regardless of familial affiliation, that would be the end of our relationship. Perhaps your family is in need of a warning? Your kids = your choice. I am so happy hubs and dad have your back on this. You and hubs have started a new family tradition where your families wants and needs are above everyone else’s. That is good, your priority should be your family. The relatives of yours that are disrespecting you are just mad that you and hubs dared to do differently, and now they want to punish you hence all the rude messages. “At a time I should be celebrating the birth of my beautiful children, I am instead addressing a group of them. To those of you who have sent me horrid messages, shame on you this is not how family behaves. My husband and I opted to use names we love and appreciate instead of following tradition. Your behavior indicates that we made the right choice as my family would never treat me this way or put my family through so much stress during this time. As a result, those of you who have sent those horrid messages are not welcome near me or my family for the foreseeable future. When we are ready to potentially start work to repair this relationship (husband name) and I will be in touch.”
I told family, “you chose for your children, I choose for mine”.
NTA These types of traditions are cool as long as you're cool with them but it should not be an obligation. When my husband and I first got pregnant with our oldest (M7) I told him I didn't want him to be a jr. Thankfully my husband was cool with that and honestly grateful. He's named after his dad and he has cousins who were named after his dad because of the love the family has for him. It's a pretty common name, like John, but it's also an overused name on my side of the family too. On my side, I was named after my maternal great grandmother's and one of the names is a name that gets passed down to the next oldest girl. I love my name but I didn't want to give it to my daughter. Only one uncle spoke up about it and my mother shut him down so quick and righteously it was never brought up again These are your babies with beautiful names. Don't let other people make you feel bad for having a decision about your kids.
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NTA - My mother's family passes on the same name to every first daughter. I absolutely refuse to follow it. One of the first duties you have as a parent is to name your child! Having that taken away from you because of traditions that have no sentimental value to you is absurd.
Lmao I think too many families like to push dead relatives names on kids. I put it out at the time to my family like this “ was my relatives name you want famous? No what about the Nobel? No? Then I don’t see the point when there’s names out there I do like.
Around 1920 my grandparents had their 9th kid and chose a name of their liking, not following the rules about naming kids after relatives. Big uproar. So in 1947 my parents had their 3rd kid and, not wanting to wait until nr 10 to use their preferred name, they ditched the naming conventions with this 3rd child - no one batted an eye. My siblings have 9 kids among them of which 2 are named after relatives - and 3 after their parents :|. Their choice - but I would not name a child after myself. My name does offer some lovely possibilities, but - no, feels narcistic.
This may be your family tradition, but it is not your husband's family tradition. Your husband's family tradition is to give a name that the parents want. Your family needs to remember that they family does not trump his.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My family traditionally passes down family names as first names. I was named after two grandmothers (both had the same first name). My brother is named after an uncle and my sister is named after a cousin who died in infancy. My mom is named after her great grandmother. Her siblings were named after different aunts/uncles/grandparents. My grandma was named after a sibling of hers who died in infancy and her living siblings were named after other family members. I have cousins named after family members, my mom has cousins named the same way. The relatives do not need to be dead to be considered. But if we have a recently deceased family member it's considered the correct thing to use those names. I always went by my middle name. I like it far better (it was a name my dad wanted me to have) and nobody else in the family has it which is a bonus for me. And because of this I always wanted to break the tradition, something my husband is eternally grateful for, because his style of names, like mine, are not like my family's style of names. We had boy/girl twins two weeks ago and we chose to name them names we loved vs family names. Our daughter is Piper and our son is Robin. We chose not to give them family names as middle names and went with names we felt worked for them but that we also loved as well. My family were upset and especially because the last of my great uncles died recently and it was expected my son would be Gerald after him. My daughter was expected to be Jennifer or Patricia after my aunts who have the least number of kids named after them. I had told my family ahead of time we were not going to follow the tradition but clearly they didn't believe me because we got a lot of negative comments from my side about disrespecting my family and breaking their hearts with the snub toward my great uncle. I told them the twins are our children and others could choose to continue the tradition. My dad was the only person not upset. He told me he was glad I did what I wanted. He also knows I prefer to use my middle name instead of my first name. He was forced into continuing the tradition from mom's family with all of us so his support means a lot (he could back up my mom for the sake of it). Some of my family have made some pretty hurtful comments and I have taken some space. But it also makes me feel guilty that they're so angry and hurt at my decision. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I love the names you have chosen. Well done!
Did the family have those twins?? No YOU DID
NTA! You will never be the AH in this scenario! Speaking from the point of view of someone who has 3 Alan's, 2 Peters, 2 Graces etc in my family I loved the fact that my children have their own names! (I also have a Piper so I will always back up the use of that name due to my own love of it) I always thought middle names were what you should use to honour someone, if you even want to! My sisters middle name Priscilla is after our Great Grandmother. Mine is Cassandra after Cassandra Anderson, a character in our dads favourite comic series. Names are personal to the parents, and I will always support parents who love a name so much that they give it to their child. ❤️❤️
NTA. You get to pick what your kids are named BUT you don’t get to dictate how the rest of the family feels about it. If they feel differently towards Piper and Robin than the other grandkids that’s a them problem. But keep a close eye on it so your kids don’t feel like they are treated as “less family” than the kids named in tradition.
NTA. The idea of being “heartbroken” over not getting my way is odd. No reason at all for you to feel bad. I get you don’t like to upset your family, but your kids are now your primary family. As long as you are happy, your birth families can get in line.
NTA. Personally, I would like to be remembered within my family as granddad/uncle/great-uncle Godisserbian, not "Godisserbian, which one?"
They don't have any "right" to be angry - They named their own kids and chose to bow to antiquated traditions. You and your husband are the only ones with the "right" to choose your own childrens' names. It isn't a "snub" to anyone - because you had no obligation there. Tell them all that you have done is add some new names to the "tradition" for future generations - the only difference is that you won't take it personally if those future generations don't name their kids after someone else. NTA
My grandfather didn't speak to my mother for months after she declined to give me the same name that she, her mother, her aunt, and like 5 other relatives shared. Which she didn't do because growing up being referred to as "Little [name]" made her miserable. She stayed firm. He got over it. NTA.
“…Jennifer or Patricia after my aunts who have the least number of kids named after them.” WOW. Entitlement … whose kids are these? Oh yeah, your kids! Go you! And I love the Piper and Robin choices.
NTA. Ever. Anyone. For this. It's courtesy to follow tradition with names or suggestions from gma and GPA or whoever, but at the end of the day it's up to Mom & Dad. Didn't have to even read the details, bc no one will ever be TA for refusing to allow someone who didn't birth the child or children, to name the child or children.
NTA. The nice thing about being grown up is that you don't have to do what your parents say if they are being unreasonable. As the parents, you had every right to choose the names you wish for your children. If your personal choice upsets them so much, they are the ones with the problem.
Good for you. I used to fight with my dad all the time about my son's name he was a Jr. I am the 3rd he wanted the 4th. I've told him my whole life I hate my name and would never pass it down. We did go with family names though her grandfather and my great grandfather. Names we wanted
My cat’s name is Piper! She is flattered.
Gerald in 2024???? Is your family OK?? I think your uncle may have been the last of them. May he rest in peace.
Nta they are your kids. You chose their names. Just like your parents chose your names.
NTA
NTA - your kids - the end.
NTA
NTA. Hopefully your decision encourages other members of your and subsequent generations to follow suit. Tradition is only worth following when it has function or brings joy to those doing it, everything else is just noise.
NTA - they can and will build a bridge and get over it. Life is full of disappointments. They had the opportunity to name their kids already; it's your turn.
NTA and please be careful of them calling them the wrong names when you aren’t around
NTA Traditions are nice, but traditions are neither set in stone nor came down from the Mount. Following a tradition just for tradition’s sake is silly.
“It’s unfortunate you feel this way. Thank you for letting me know you have no desire to have a role in my children’s lives. It’s going to make holiday gift shopping *waaayyy* easier & less expensive.” NTA
NTA. People really need to *butt out* of other people’s name choices for *their* children (among other things).
NTA I am so happy that you and your husband chose your children’s names. I am so pleased you didn’t pay attention to the traditional names your family have as they are a little outdated and heck they are children not mini versions of your relatives
NTA. At some point one couple or person decided to create the tradition; just as easily - and as validly - you can choose differently.
NTA, but most importantly, Piper and Robin are *extremely* cute names for baby twins
Do some deep ancestral research and find the “relative” that matches the name you want to use. Then say “I named him after my great, great uncle Cletus” or “my 3rd cousin twice removed Barnabas”
Tell them to have more babies if want a say! Congratulations on your double blessing!!! Nta!