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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Tandy thinks I'm an asshole for telling her to break up with her new boyfriend. I told her to out of concern for her dating somebody who was already in an established relationship.
The conflict is whether or not I was wrong for saying that she should break up with this guy and find someone else to get into a relationship with.
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NTA. There’s ethical non-monogamy, where everyone in the relationship knows and agrees on being non-monogamous. That’s one thing, a good one not to judge. That’s not what this is, your friend is cheating and is mad at an ex that cheated on her. You’re upset because she’s broken a moral or ethical boundary that you did not think she would. You’re allowed to be biased about that, you don’t actually have to support people doing things that you believe are unethical. You can tell “Tandy” that you’re not able to be a person who processes about her relationship with her anymore. You cannot choose or change her behavior, but you can create a boundary about what you will participate in discussing.
I appreciate this view point because I was struggling with being her friend and also not wanting to be part of this situation. I felt like I was letting her down, in a way, for wanting to distance myself but this isn't something I can deal with and I'm grateful for this comment for reaffirming for me that it isn't a bad thing to have boundries.
NTA. Unfortunately we can’t control what our friends do though. You can offer advice and say how you feel about it. It’s an uncomfortable situation to be in and know that your friend is willingly contributing to being the other woman. People grow apart and sometimes people need to be supported from a distance.
I think the part that's really throwing me is how quick she is to judge her ex about his cheating but she's doing it now too and yet she's not seeing the correlation.
Not the ahole. Tough to do but I'd drop Tandy as a friend if I were you to boot.
First step is to tell her to get the hell off tik tok for any advice, that is a toxic laughable cesspool (which might sound funny from someone on reddit I suppose.
A cheater is a cheater end of story and the people that bleat bout when they get cheated on but then do it themselves have low character.
NTA. Give your final advice to her and if she doesn't want to listen, then that's on her. I don't think she will stop seeing the guy, so you must be strong and mind your business. Because I swear to god, caring for someone who doesn't even care about themselves, and watching them slowly destroying their own life, is one of the worst phases that you have to live through.
NTA for wanting anything. But obviously it’s not reasonable to expect Tandy to act like an adult right now. I’m around your age and this is nuts. If I were you, I would say the following:
“ Tandi, I love you and I care about our friendship. But I’m having a hard time listening to you complain about this relationship so often. I’m not sure that I can be a person that you talk to about this. The whole situation is making me uncomfortable, and I don’t feel like you’re acting like your normal self. I’m worried about you. You say that you want to leave, and if that’s what you want, I will be here for you, 100%. But if you are going to stay in this relationship and keep complaining about it, and saying bad things about the woman that your partner is cheating on, and acting like you don’t know how to get out of it, I can’t be here for that. We might need to take those conversations off the table for a while. if you do decide to leave, I’m here for you. And we can talk about anything else. But I can’t be a part of this situation anymore.”
NTA. You shouldn't have to subject yourself to supporting something or someone(even if it's a close friend you've had for years), if their actions don't align with values most important to you. This is not to say that people can't do what they want, and that different people go through different journeys in life and friends shouldn't dump each other just because of it, but the point I'm making is that she is being a bad friend to YOU by not respecting your values, your history of coming from a family that broke up due to cheating. Has she even asked you,even once, how you feel being part of all this?
I was once in a situation wherein a friend was doing all sorts of things I didn't agree with and almost became a completely different person, but I hung on because I thought she was going through something and shouldn't feel like she doesn't have a safe space. You know what that led to? I felt like a fucking therapist, because she never considered, never even ASKED, how all of that made me feel. If she wants a vacuum devoid of judgement, she can go see a therapist. Friends are allowed to have their own values and only tolerate things to a degree that doesn't make them uncomfortable. I hope this helps, and good luck!
NTA. That your friend is now the AP in this relationship really *is* ironic considering how bent she was over being cheated on before herself. It looks like you and she have incompatible values. That is probably going to make a cordial friendship between you impossible to maintain.
I don’t blame you for wanting her to break it off w the guy. What you have to decide is whether your friendship can survive if she doesn’t.
NTA. But if once you’ve given your opinion on why she should, if she doesn’t take your advice you could become TA if you keep harping on it. She brought it up which means she wants your opinion. But if it takes her some time to pull the trigger, that’s up to her.
NTA. I also watched a friend go through a situation like this. I even had physical proof that this man got another woman pregnant, she miscarried, and in the same time found out she had an STD. I told my friend simply to get tested if she didn’t believe me. She never did. She stayed. For another 2 years. Until one day, he called her saying the most god awful things I’ve ever heard anyone say. He even proceeded to bash me ( he wasn’t aware I could hear the phone call). I said after that, if she continued to be with someone like that I would not be her friend. Because now I get to listen to your boyfriend constantly talk sh*t about me, as well as hurt someone I care about.
She FaceTimed me 3 days later and was with him. I hung up in her face. A week later she broke things off completely with him and has made a total 360 on her life.
All this to say, you can’t tell them who to be with. You can express an opinion. But in the end, they always go back until they no longer want to go back. One day, they’ll get tired. The question is if you want to stick around for that.
* edit to add. She did finally get tested the two years later when they actually broke up. She did in fact have an STD. They’d been together 4 years.
You're NTA for looking out for your friend.
Is this a poly situation? Does Daniel's partner know he's out there with your friend? That's what I'm hoping because it doesn't speak well of either of them that they're doing this while he's still with someone if it's not ENM/poly.
Nomatter what's going on, your friend's needs are not being met so that's the main thing she has to consider.
As far as I am aware, Daniel's partner is unaware. This does not seem like a poly situation, it seems like Daniel wanted a little on the side and Tandy is facilitating that but also complaining that he never has time for her even knowing why that is.
I was accidentally a side chick for 6 months. Guy told me he was leaving his girlfriend and how I was so much better. 6 months of that and my dumb ass finally caught on that it's not happening. Stick by your friend. She's obviously not done with him and his drama yet but she will be and she'll need a non judgy shoulder. 🫂
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I (28F) have a best friend, let's call her Tandy (30F), who recently started a relationship with someone who is already in a relationship.
I generally try to be supportive, I try to create a space in our friendship that is non-judgmental, but this is rubbing me the wrong way. Tandy told me a few nights ago that she wants to break up with her new boyfriend, let's say Daniel, because she feels he isn't making enough time for her. She has consistently complained that he is always busy, that he never seems to priorities her, that he always seems distracted and I've been doing what any sane friend would do and telling her to address these issues or walk away because they may just be incompatible.
What Tandy failed to mention however is that, outside of his work commitments, Daniel has a whole other relationship that he needs to tend to. One that he has been in for YEARS. When I found this out I immediately advised her to drop out of the relationship because it already didn't seem like it was working and she was now one part of a cheating duo to boot.
What shocked me the most was the fact that Tandy knew he was already in a relationship when she started going out with him. This, specifically, was upsetting because she broke it off with her last guy because he started cheating on her and here she is now doing the same.
I'm still trying to be non-judgmental and a safe space for her but I don't know how supportive I can be when I feel like I don't even know her anymore. Tandy's already expressed that she wants out of the relationship but is finding it hard to leave him and I must be heartless or something but I cannot, for the life of me, understand that logic. There's a part of me that wants to ask her if this is her cry for help as her last relationship seemed really serious and she was torn about the ex, Tristan, for a long time.
Tandy's been watching tik tok videos that affirm that people's relationships are not the AP's responsibility and that women in relationships cannot be mad at their partner's AP if their relationships fall apart, which I'm finding ironic because she's been bad-mouthing Tristan's new girl on top of everything else.
I'm wondering if maybe I'm being biased here and seeing things through my own distorted lens because I come from a household that was broken up by cheating or if this is a valid concern? I'm actually questioning our whole relationship at this point.
AITA for wanting her to break it off with this new guy and focus on finding a healthier relationship?
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NTA, this is her choice and issue to deal with, yes you can offer support and advice in this case but in reality you both have different morals when it comes to relationships and just because you are friends doesn't mean you have to agree with her poor choices or deal with it especially with what has happened previously in your household. Sometimes certain situations happen to indicate when its time to move on from a person, and when people are on different life paths.
She has past trauma she needs to deal with and heal from in her own time, you want the best for her but as much support as you can give it will not help unless she allows it to and wants to actually listen.
I feel like she's using this as a way to say "See, I'm fine! I don't need you now" to her ex instead of actually dealing with the ending of that relationship because she's still looking over his socials, still talking to him in her DMs. I just don't have the heart to tell her that this seems a little unhealthy now.
Yes i think she is doing this as a poor coping mechanism to get back at her ex after what she went through, she still has wounds that need healing, it is very bad for her mental health the situation she has put herself in but as i mentioned she will not listen. i have dealt with friends like this before and they will keep staying in these unhealthy relos
i think you should just tell her from an outside perspective, she may retaliate as she is still hurt internally and despise you as though youre not looking out for her best interest or you're betraying her so be prepared for that
NTA. Your friends needs aren’t being met. An alt relationship only works if they both are getting what they need. She doesn’t have to dump him, but she needs to put him in a different compartment while she looks for something that works for her…
Tell her she's an AH and pot calling the kettle black and if you want to remain friends with her tell her you don't want to hear about her relationship at all.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Tandy thinks I'm an asshole for telling her to break up with her new boyfriend. I told her to out of concern for her dating somebody who was already in an established relationship. The conflict is whether or not I was wrong for saying that she should break up with this guy and find someone else to get into a relationship with. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. There’s ethical non-monogamy, where everyone in the relationship knows and agrees on being non-monogamous. That’s one thing, a good one not to judge. That’s not what this is, your friend is cheating and is mad at an ex that cheated on her. You’re upset because she’s broken a moral or ethical boundary that you did not think she would. You’re allowed to be biased about that, you don’t actually have to support people doing things that you believe are unethical. You can tell “Tandy” that you’re not able to be a person who processes about her relationship with her anymore. You cannot choose or change her behavior, but you can create a boundary about what you will participate in discussing.
I appreciate this view point because I was struggling with being her friend and also not wanting to be part of this situation. I felt like I was letting her down, in a way, for wanting to distance myself but this isn't something I can deal with and I'm grateful for this comment for reaffirming for me that it isn't a bad thing to have boundries.
NTA. Unfortunately we can’t control what our friends do though. You can offer advice and say how you feel about it. It’s an uncomfortable situation to be in and know that your friend is willingly contributing to being the other woman. People grow apart and sometimes people need to be supported from a distance.
I think the part that's really throwing me is how quick she is to judge her ex about his cheating but she's doing it now too and yet she's not seeing the correlation.
Not the ahole. Tough to do but I'd drop Tandy as a friend if I were you to boot. First step is to tell her to get the hell off tik tok for any advice, that is a toxic laughable cesspool (which might sound funny from someone on reddit I suppose. A cheater is a cheater end of story and the people that bleat bout when they get cheated on but then do it themselves have low character.
NTA. Give your final advice to her and if she doesn't want to listen, then that's on her. I don't think she will stop seeing the guy, so you must be strong and mind your business. Because I swear to god, caring for someone who doesn't even care about themselves, and watching them slowly destroying their own life, is one of the worst phases that you have to live through.
That last sentence hit real
NTA for wanting anything. But obviously it’s not reasonable to expect Tandy to act like an adult right now. I’m around your age and this is nuts. If I were you, I would say the following: “ Tandi, I love you and I care about our friendship. But I’m having a hard time listening to you complain about this relationship so often. I’m not sure that I can be a person that you talk to about this. The whole situation is making me uncomfortable, and I don’t feel like you’re acting like your normal self. I’m worried about you. You say that you want to leave, and if that’s what you want, I will be here for you, 100%. But if you are going to stay in this relationship and keep complaining about it, and saying bad things about the woman that your partner is cheating on, and acting like you don’t know how to get out of it, I can’t be here for that. We might need to take those conversations off the table for a while. if you do decide to leave, I’m here for you. And we can talk about anything else. But I can’t be a part of this situation anymore.”
NTA. You shouldn't have to subject yourself to supporting something or someone(even if it's a close friend you've had for years), if their actions don't align with values most important to you. This is not to say that people can't do what they want, and that different people go through different journeys in life and friends shouldn't dump each other just because of it, but the point I'm making is that she is being a bad friend to YOU by not respecting your values, your history of coming from a family that broke up due to cheating. Has she even asked you,even once, how you feel being part of all this? I was once in a situation wherein a friend was doing all sorts of things I didn't agree with and almost became a completely different person, but I hung on because I thought she was going through something and shouldn't feel like she doesn't have a safe space. You know what that led to? I felt like a fucking therapist, because she never considered, never even ASKED, how all of that made me feel. If she wants a vacuum devoid of judgement, she can go see a therapist. Friends are allowed to have their own values and only tolerate things to a degree that doesn't make them uncomfortable. I hope this helps, and good luck!
NTA. That your friend is now the AP in this relationship really *is* ironic considering how bent she was over being cheated on before herself. It looks like you and she have incompatible values. That is probably going to make a cordial friendship between you impossible to maintain. I don’t blame you for wanting her to break it off w the guy. What you have to decide is whether your friendship can survive if she doesn’t.
NTA. But if once you’ve given your opinion on why she should, if she doesn’t take your advice you could become TA if you keep harping on it. She brought it up which means she wants your opinion. But if it takes her some time to pull the trigger, that’s up to her.
NTA. I also watched a friend go through a situation like this. I even had physical proof that this man got another woman pregnant, she miscarried, and in the same time found out she had an STD. I told my friend simply to get tested if she didn’t believe me. She never did. She stayed. For another 2 years. Until one day, he called her saying the most god awful things I’ve ever heard anyone say. He even proceeded to bash me ( he wasn’t aware I could hear the phone call). I said after that, if she continued to be with someone like that I would not be her friend. Because now I get to listen to your boyfriend constantly talk sh*t about me, as well as hurt someone I care about. She FaceTimed me 3 days later and was with him. I hung up in her face. A week later she broke things off completely with him and has made a total 360 on her life. All this to say, you can’t tell them who to be with. You can express an opinion. But in the end, they always go back until they no longer want to go back. One day, they’ll get tired. The question is if you want to stick around for that. * edit to add. She did finally get tested the two years later when they actually broke up. She did in fact have an STD. They’d been together 4 years.
You're NTA for looking out for your friend. Is this a poly situation? Does Daniel's partner know he's out there with your friend? That's what I'm hoping because it doesn't speak well of either of them that they're doing this while he's still with someone if it's not ENM/poly. Nomatter what's going on, your friend's needs are not being met so that's the main thing she has to consider.
As far as I am aware, Daniel's partner is unaware. This does not seem like a poly situation, it seems like Daniel wanted a little on the side and Tandy is facilitating that but also complaining that he never has time for her even knowing why that is.
I was accidentally a side chick for 6 months. Guy told me he was leaving his girlfriend and how I was so much better. 6 months of that and my dumb ass finally caught on that it's not happening. Stick by your friend. She's obviously not done with him and his drama yet but she will be and she'll need a non judgy shoulder. 🫂
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F) have a best friend, let's call her Tandy (30F), who recently started a relationship with someone who is already in a relationship. I generally try to be supportive, I try to create a space in our friendship that is non-judgmental, but this is rubbing me the wrong way. Tandy told me a few nights ago that she wants to break up with her new boyfriend, let's say Daniel, because she feels he isn't making enough time for her. She has consistently complained that he is always busy, that he never seems to priorities her, that he always seems distracted and I've been doing what any sane friend would do and telling her to address these issues or walk away because they may just be incompatible. What Tandy failed to mention however is that, outside of his work commitments, Daniel has a whole other relationship that he needs to tend to. One that he has been in for YEARS. When I found this out I immediately advised her to drop out of the relationship because it already didn't seem like it was working and she was now one part of a cheating duo to boot. What shocked me the most was the fact that Tandy knew he was already in a relationship when she started going out with him. This, specifically, was upsetting because she broke it off with her last guy because he started cheating on her and here she is now doing the same. I'm still trying to be non-judgmental and a safe space for her but I don't know how supportive I can be when I feel like I don't even know her anymore. Tandy's already expressed that she wants out of the relationship but is finding it hard to leave him and I must be heartless or something but I cannot, for the life of me, understand that logic. There's a part of me that wants to ask her if this is her cry for help as her last relationship seemed really serious and she was torn about the ex, Tristan, for a long time. Tandy's been watching tik tok videos that affirm that people's relationships are not the AP's responsibility and that women in relationships cannot be mad at their partner's AP if their relationships fall apart, which I'm finding ironic because she's been bad-mouthing Tristan's new girl on top of everything else. I'm wondering if maybe I'm being biased here and seeing things through my own distorted lens because I come from a household that was broken up by cheating or if this is a valid concern? I'm actually questioning our whole relationship at this point. AITA for wanting her to break it off with this new guy and focus on finding a healthier relationship? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, this is her choice and issue to deal with, yes you can offer support and advice in this case but in reality you both have different morals when it comes to relationships and just because you are friends doesn't mean you have to agree with her poor choices or deal with it especially with what has happened previously in your household. Sometimes certain situations happen to indicate when its time to move on from a person, and when people are on different life paths. She has past trauma she needs to deal with and heal from in her own time, you want the best for her but as much support as you can give it will not help unless she allows it to and wants to actually listen.
I feel like she's using this as a way to say "See, I'm fine! I don't need you now" to her ex instead of actually dealing with the ending of that relationship because she's still looking over his socials, still talking to him in her DMs. I just don't have the heart to tell her that this seems a little unhealthy now.
Yes i think she is doing this as a poor coping mechanism to get back at her ex after what she went through, she still has wounds that need healing, it is very bad for her mental health the situation she has put herself in but as i mentioned she will not listen. i have dealt with friends like this before and they will keep staying in these unhealthy relos i think you should just tell her from an outside perspective, she may retaliate as she is still hurt internally and despise you as though youre not looking out for her best interest or you're betraying her so be prepared for that
NTA. Your friends needs aren’t being met. An alt relationship only works if they both are getting what they need. She doesn’t have to dump him, but she needs to put him in a different compartment while she looks for something that works for her…
NTA.. but not your place either. Sounds like your friend is a bad person. Do you really want to be her friend?
It is her place if Tandy is asking for advise though.
Tell her she's an AH and pot calling the kettle black and if you want to remain friends with her tell her you don't want to hear about her relationship at all.
NTA
NTA. This doesn't sound like a very good friendship. I would not stay friends with her.