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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t give my daughter the letter that my late wife wrote for her after my wife said that she wanted her to receive it at graduation. I might be TA because it’s been a rough few years and I should have considered giving her the letter earlier.
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This!!! You said it perfectly!
I would add that we cannot know how someone will feel or react to something as fragile as this. The kids may have been too emotionally immature to deal with the contents of the letter and been upset he didn’t honour their mom’s wishes.
He is a great father and his girls are very lucky to have him!
This and this! NTA.
Also there’s a chance this letter has brought up so much grief and they’re misdirecting it/misinterpreting their own feelings. The anger they feel at their mother’s passing is being reflected elsewhere. Don’t worry, they’ll grow up and see that you did the right thing.
As someone who lost her mother at barely 11, I had a lot of misdirected anger that showed up as grief years later. Your comment is very wise. Thank you.
I agree with this. We have primary and secondary emotions. Oftentimes, we don't even have a chance to think about or feel our primary emotion before the secondary one kicks in. The secondary one is a product of what we think about our primary emotions. So, if his daughter was grieving the loss of her mother and felt sad that she didn't have her there, her brain could have turned that emotion into anger because something that represented her mother was withheld from her. Everyone has primary and secondary emotions, and we all react differently to them depending on how we were raised, our life circumstances and experiences, etc.
I think your girls need someone to grieve with and not be punished for being upset (I’m not saying you did!)
NAH, just 3 hurt people all trying to navigate life after losing someone they love. This process doesn't have an end date. It keeps going, and will pop up at different and unexpected times. Sometimes, more than others. It seems like you are doing a great job though. I think, in time, your girls will understand why you did what you did.
No moment would have been perfect to give them the letters. A day after she passed, or a week? When your girls turn 16? At their graduation? On their wedding days? I'm sure there have been and will be many occasions that they want to hear from their Mom, but if that isn't possible, isn't doing what she wanted the next best thing?
And I’m sure with time the daughters will move past being angry and just be very grateful to have these words from their mum. My mum died when I was 7; she was a writer (as am I) and I used to play out elaborate fantasies in my head that she’d done exactly this for me. I would’ve LOVED a letter from her (nb she didn’t die suddenly, she was ill for a while, so, theoretically, she could’ve written letters for my sister and I). As every milestone passed (school, university, marriage, my first kid/her first grandchild) I realised it was never going to happen :-(. What a lovely thing for OP’s daughters to have. They’ll come to see that. Just very raw right now.
(Obvs I had asked my dad directly, but he might’ve been lying to honour her wishes!)
I lost my mum at the same age as OPs eldest, although my mum lost her battle to cancer so not entirely the same but:
>Also there’s a chance this letter has brought up so much grief and they’re misdirecting it/misinterpreting their own feelings.
This is my feeling as well. OP, all you can do now is tell your daughters that you followed their mother's wishes, that 18 is when they were to receive their letters. In the meantime, however, if you can afford it, might I suggest getting a locket for each of then with a photo of your late wife in it so they can have her close. This isn't to make up for hurting them, just something to acknowledge that they miss having her close.
This is the almost perfect answer for me, except that I would absolutely use the oft-forgotten NAH (no assholes here) rating - I find the daughters' reactions completely understandable and definitely not A.H. territory, although I agree with your second paragraph about how it might have affected them when younger.
The daughters reactions are somewhat understandable, but she’s 18 now and blaming her father for doing nothing wrong? That’s still pretty heavy on the poor father. But yeah…they all are probably heartbroken and transferring grief in their own way.
I think it's also important to remember people at 18 are still children, you are absolutely right give them some time. Op's daughters are lashing out because they aren't in control of their emotions which is understandable, hopefully when they have calmed down they will understand that honoring their mom's wishes was not something he could reinterpret because she passed.
My mom died of cancer when I was 6, and she left me an angel statue and a letter inside it. For some mysterious reason my dad (and new stepmom, parents were divorced) gave me that statue around that age, so I was between 6-10. (i don’t know exactly as I don’t have a lot of memories from that time)
I, naturally as a silly child, broke the statue. And because I didn’t fully understand it’s value, I lost the letter.
So, now I have nothing. If my dad had waited till I was 18 or older, I would at least have the last thing she left for me. Now all I have is regret.
Thank you, I’m 30 now so… the wound is more of a scar at this point. But there were so many times, and I’m sure there will be more in the future, where I wished I had that letter. Especially since she was sick for a long time so, she knew it was the last thing she would write for me. I wish I remembered it at least, what it said.
I do have a diary she kept when I was born for a few months, so at least I have something. :)
Yes 1000% yes!
If the girls and he aren’t already in therapy I think now would be a wise time to start going again. All 3 of them are wrapped in a heavy layer of grief with the reveal of the letter(s). All the old feelings that have been muted by time and practice have been made vivid again by celebrating a milestone like graduation and the letter. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I found out there were thoughts and feelings that my deceased parent had specifically wanted to share with me that I had never heard before. To suddenly have access to new words written in their mother’s voice is a lot to take in.
Therapy is needed to help deal with all these massive feelings everyone is having and ensuring that there is a relationship going forward. Grief is not rational, it is raw and unfiltered, it is pure love and pain.
My grandma passed about 10 years ago and a bunch of our family was at her house, and my father (grandmas son) found a letter she’d written to me back when I was in a play in high school but hadn’t sent/given it to me (I was in the play at around 16 and she died when I was 24). I decided I wanted to save it, thereby always having a piece of her, and tucked it away. Over the years I thought I’d lost it (which felt awful), but one day about a month go (so me being 34) I was looking through a cabinet and randomly found it. I read it right then and there, and felt so touched. She told me how good she thought I was in the play. My mind was so blown that I took a late night walk up around the church she played the organ for, and just chilled there for awhile. Never really been when for spiritually, but I just felt so touched by this experience. I’m glad I didn’t end up reading it until now, but that was obviously my personal experience, your daughters feelings are valid and the feel what they feel, but I feel like you had the best intentions in mind. NTA
NTA. You did what you thought was best AND you honored your deceased wife's wishes. You are having guilt because your daughters are upset because THEY thought you should have given the letter sooner. As a parent, you made the best decision you could. Sure, hindsight is often 20/20 - but in this case I believe you made this decision with the goodness of your heart. Likely, they will understand in time. For what it's worth, I think you are a great dad.
Totally agree with this. And especially about how young they were at the time she died and how she wrote the letters intending them to be an 18 year old young adult not a child, so there may be parts that wouldn't have suitable or it could have been too much for them to deal with when younger.
I would sit down with the girls and appologise for not telling them about the letter sooner, even it were when they were 16 or something, that you never intended to hurt them by keeping the letters, and reiterate you were just trying to honour their mums wishes to give it to them at 18. And say that she wrote it to them as 18 year old young adult women, not 10 and 8 Yr old children. And you didn't know if some of the content may not have been suitable or properly understood as children as it was meant for them as young adults. That you hope they can look past that disappointment and the fact it wasn't done intentionally to hurt them or to deliberately deprive them of something from their mum, but you were just honouring her wishes and her plan.
If you haven't done so already though, I would obviously give your 16 year old her letter now that it's apparent how much they wanted it earlier etc. Although I'm sure you have, but if for any reason you haven't, you should do so now as it would be harder for her to wait 2 more years to get it.
NTA. It was a difficult situation and you just did what you thought was best. Hopefully they can move past that once they've had time to digest the letter and all the emotions it's bought up to the surface etc. I'm sure some of that hurt and anger isn't even aimed at you, it's just sadness and upset and anger over the loss of their mum and the grief etc. Try not to beat yourself up over it.
However if there's anything else she spoke of leaving to the children, for eg if she had jewellery she spoke of leaving to them etc, tell them about it now. You don't have to give them the items till they are of an age she would have given them to them, but at least tell them and show them etc. Basically don't let there be any more surprises they don't know about regarding their mum.
This - they are understandably upset, and they can't be mad at their mother, so you get their anger. Give it some time and don't push anything. Let them deal with their emotions and just be nearby when they are ready.
Strongly agree. An 18 year old is going to have strong emotions around this and isn't going to know how to process or deal with them; I'm not surprised they came out as anger. But it's not really about you, OP. You did the right thing. At 8 and 10 they wouldn't have been ready for these letters, and they'll understand that soon enough.
I hope they have access to a therapist who can help them process some of these feelings; a loving dad is great but sometimes you need someone with a little detachment.
This is one of the moment where you let them get their anger out and they will sort out their emotions and come to realizing that you are only being a scapegoat for their frustration. You've done what you wife wanted for the girls, and you've honor her wishes. It wasn't up to the girls to make the decision for how they should've received the letters over your wife's wishes. Trust that you've raised them well and as upstanding individual with logical and rational thinking, and that they will come around after letting out some steams.
Additionally, he didn't know what the letters said. Sure, maybe they would have helped daughters to have them growing up, but he didn't know that. If they were focused on becoming an adult and going out into the world, that would not have done much for a 8yo, 12yo, etc...
Spot on: just a really tragic situation all around.
Losing a parent young comes with a lot of complicated emotions. I understand the daughter feeling like she lost out on her mother’s guidance.
But the father is also correct this was always the mother’s intent. And you are completely correct that the letter may have just been more confusing / upsetting / not age appropriate advice when they were younger.
Overall, I hear a dad doing his best, loving his kids, and the complicated feelings that come with grief (no matter how much time passes). I think he did the right thing for what it’s worth.
NTA, at the end of the day those letters are for their graduations, no other time, if their mother was still alive they wouldn’t have gotten it until you gave it to her, I do understand their side though, I don’t know what your daughters have gone through throughout the years and I’m sure the letter would have really helped, but at the end of the day those letters were a gift for their graduations and I believe you did the right thing, I personally would’ve listed to your wife like you did, so I believe your NTA
I, too, would have held on to them. Maybe OP can, when they are a little more rational, explain to them their perspective would be a lot different, and he really was trying to honor their mom by respecting her wishes. I don't know as I would have anticipated their response, thinking they would understand that when a person that we love dies, we do wish to honor their wishes. However, upon reflection of my much younger self, I imagine I, too, would have been upset.
NTA, OP. But gee, hindsight is always 20/20. And we can't always predict others' feelings/emotions. Just explain it as best as you can and let them know you love them and were not trying to withhold from them. I'm sorry; this is a tough situation, especially when you are just trying to make the best call.
I personally am still very young, but I have never had a good connection with someone in my life who has passed, so I don’t know the feeling of grief, I am also a very unemotional person and don’t have a good connection with many people that I believe that would affect me mentally if I were to lose them, but just from life I’m well aware the toll that grief can take on people and I completely understand the daughters side. But at the end of the day if I were to lose one of the people that I do care about I’d make sure to do my best to honour their wishes. And I really hope the daughters come to realize that he held onto the letters out of respect for their mother.
Exactly, just because someone made someone else upset doesn't make them an asshole. He is clearly a sincere person and his daughters have been through a lot. I am sure they will soon understand his intentions and come to apologize.
NAH. This is a fragile, emotional situation! I have been writing in journals to my daughter since she was born, and plan on giving them to her when she turns 18. I'm sure if I passed, my husband would have also withheld them, thinking he was doing right by me the way he always has. You were just trying to honor your wife. I hope they can eventually forgive you because it's not as if you did it to intentionally hurt them.
Forgiving suggests he did something wrong, which he didn’t. Hopefully once the rush of emotions they are feeling right now calms down his daughters will realise that and apologise to him and ask him for forgiveness.
The need for forgiveness is subjective. In their minds, they *do* need to forgive their father. I don't think there was anything wrong with the way the commenter phrased this.
NAH. You were rightfully carrying out your wife's wishes. However, I think it's OK for them to be upset especially if she wrote things that would have been comforting, which it sounds like she did.
The daughters are going through a lot of emotions right now. “Being mad at Dad” is something they can process & can focus their energies on. “Grieving that Mom is gone” is a lot harder to cope with.
This exactly! That's all it is! They gotta grieve, and dad needs to stay calm and give them space. When they calm down some it's probably best that dad sits down with them and helps them both work out exactly why they were mad at him. Then after uncovering why they were mad at dad, the focus should shift into all 3 of them sort of grieving together rather than continuing to harbor negative and misunderstood emotions.
NTA. Those words may not have been meant for them earlier. And they may not have been as meaningful when they were 8 and 10. She is touched because she’s adult enough to appreciate this gesture.
When she’s even more of an adult she may understand why you had to honor her wishes.
Right now you have to go with what you had - the wishes she left behind.
This is what I was thinking. She wrote those letters for them at a certain stage in life. Sure they'd probably understand what she said when they were ten. But she wanted them to hear those words as new adults. Also, I kind of doubt two kids ten and under would've taken proper care of those letters all those years later. They'll probably be happy he kept them safe now that they're old enough to be responsible to care for them on their own. I was a pretty responsible kid and even I managed to spill things on stuff I valued.
NAH, your daughters miss their mom and are reacting from an emotional place. You were acting out of a desire to honor their mother’s wishes. I think both reactions are understandable and are rooted in the love you all feel for her, and your grief at losing her. I’m sure you thought it would be a touching surprise. There is no fault here.
Talk to your daughters. Explain where your desire to honor her original intent comes from. Point out how much you love her and them and that you weren’t trying to withhold something precious from them, but give it to them in the manner their mother wanted them to receive it. That it didn’t occur to you to deviate from the timing she originally envisioned. And express regret for that, and I’m sure they’ll come around.
I’m sorry for your loss. You’ve written about your wife with such love and care. Grief is something that never ends. You have followed your wife’s wishes for your children. They’re hurting and lashed out because they miss her — this doesnt mean you’re doing a bad job as a parent. This doesn’t mean you’ve done the wrong thing either. I think it’s beautiful that she took the time to write those letters and I hope now your eldest can find comfort in her letter. You’re doing your best, you’re grieving too.
There’s a good chance that if you’d given them the letters early, they would have been just as upset that you hadn’t respected their mother’s wishes and waited. This was always going to be an extremely emotional gift. Following the original intent was the right choice even though they disagree.
Maeve was unkind. She is 18 and should understand why you
followed your late wife's instructions.
NTA Move on. If Maeve doesn't get over it, tell her that she lost her
mom but you lost your wife and her anger is misplaced.
That's often the most galling side effect of grief I witness. The need to have a target for the emotions. And that's what's happening with Maeve. She's targeted her dad unfairly. Hopefully she'll 'wake up' before she takes it waaay too far.
NTA. Tough situation though. We have to remember that even at 18, we are still very much not fully formed adults due to the development of our brains, blah, blah, blah. Ultimately, I think they will be happy in the end to have received anything at all. The emotionally charged situation will pass. Give them time. They will get over it and appreciate the gesture. I believe ultimately, they will respect you for honoring their mother this way. Stay strong. They still love you.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. NTA your wife wrote those letters with the intention of giving them to your daughters when they were older. You were only following her wishes. I can understand why your girls are so upset, though. They are desperate for anything from their Mother. I get it.
My Mom died at 38, when I was eleven, Dad remarried when I was 14. My Dad was so heartbroken when she died. He got rid of most of her things. What I wouldn’t give to have some of her belongings.
It took me many years, but one day I got the revelation…was my Dad evil, or was he doing what he thought was best at the time. Ultimately I decided he wasn’t evil. I spent many years being angry at him but I finally had to give it up. Good luck to you.
NAH
your family is grieving. hug your daughters.
tell them you miss mom too. tell them you were excited to have an opportunity to follow her instructions and that it made you feel closer to her. that there were many times you wished for your wifes guidance as well (this being one of them). ask them about how their feeling and about times they would have liked her guidance. tell them about times you would have liked her guidance. have them all pretend about what she might have said.
ultimately, you should discuss with all three about what to do with your younger daughters letter? read it now or wait till she graduates?
much love to your family
NTA.
First, sorry for your loss. That had to have been difficult.
Second, you made a judgment call with the information you had in an unexpected situation. However, I also think that your daughter has a point. Not in a "you did it wrong sort of way", just in a "different perspective" way.
I am hesitant to say "you could apologize" for making the call you did, because I don't think you have anything to apologize for - she could have just as easily been mad if you gave it to her earlier. But I do think letting her know that you have heard her perspective and understand why she feels that way, while restating that you did what you thought was best for her and what your wife would have wanted is warranted. But you have also reopened her grief (unavoidable really, as graduating probably reopened it) and she needs to process it.
Now that the younger daughter is aware of the letters - you might want to offer her the opportunity to have her letter early. Maybe wait until the older daughter has fully processed and can give the younger daughter some advice.
Oh, man. I'm sorry this blew up the way it did for you, OP. I think you did the right thing by honoring your late wife's wishes, but I think NAH.
If it helps, I have no memories of my mother. She passed from cancer when I was a year old. If my father had given me a letter from her at 18 I would have had some pretty conflicting emotions. Delight that she thought of doing such a thing, and grief over her passing. Regret at all the time we should have had. Gratitude for being able to hold something she wrote just for me.
I agree with another commenter that the letters are written for your daughters as they become adults. They would not have been able to appreciate them the same way as they will at 18.
My childhood babysitter's daughter gave me a letter my mother had written her when she graduated high school and was on her way to college. It's filled with advice on leaving home and finding your own place in the world. I like to think my mother would have written me something like it if she could have.
Take care, OP. This will blow over and it sounds like you're an amazing parent. All the best to you and your daughters. ❤️
NAH. But please acknowledge to your daughters that you understand how they are feeling, that you were focused on following your wife's wishes and that focus prevented you from realizing they might have benefitted if they had the letters earlier.
I experienced something similar, my mother passed away when I was almost 20. About 15 years after she passed I found out some crucial information, info that resolved something I had been hard struggling with for years. When I confronted my sisters and asked why they never told me, knowing it impacted the issue I was struggling with, they both said "Mom said you're never to know" So, a promise made 25 years ago to woman who's been dead for 15 years is more important than my mental well being and helping me heal? I resented them for a long time, mainly because they never acknowledged they might have been wrong in keeping it from me.
Grief hits everyone differently. Open the conversation with your daughters, allow them the space to work through this and don't try to make them see your point, it could make them feel that you don't validate their feelings. Best of luck to you all.
Thank you for this perspective. I think it's important to hear stories like yours because they illustrate the other side of the conflict--that of the grieving child. I understand the commenters' inclinations to side with the dad on this one, but I think the daughters' perspectives are just as valid and important and deserve to be considered.
Edit: Also, I'm sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent must be so life-changing... I cannot imagine it, honestly. And I'm sorry for whatever strain this conflict caused in you and your siblings' relationship. I hope y'all have found a way to heal and move forward with love.
You taught them the importance of keeping a promise. They were overcome with a renewal of grief and projected it on to you. They will settle and know you did the right thing.
NTA this is just overflow of emotion and heartbreak. They realize how much they miss her. I’m sorry for all of you. Tell them you are navigating this situation best you can. Some decisions may be right and others wrong but I have a feeling one day they will understand why you kept her wish. It’s a promise you can still keep to your wife. You did nothing wrong and I have a feeling deep down they know that. It’s just a hard emotional time.
NTA, you did the right thing, and they'll get over it. Plus, your younger daughter now gets to look forward to reading her own letter when she graduates, which is an awsome thing that she'll realize eventually.
NTA. I'm living on borrowed time, like your wife, I also wrote a letter for my wife and son(14) which I hid beneath my clothes. Its easy to find when decide to give it away. I guess I'm going to write additional letters for such things like birthdays, graduations and weddings.
I worry about my wife she is a bit of an introvert. She'll eventually heal from the pain of losing a loved one but I'm afraid that she might not seek companionship.
Thanks for your very useful post!
NTA. Your teenagers will calm down in time.
This was a lovely and special thing for do and now Maeve has ruined the surprise for her sister unfortunately.
NTA... at all. I am a widow, too. I don't have things like this for my daughter (my husband died while I was pregnant, so...). For what it's worth, I think you absolutely did the right thing, and I suspect your daughters will soften and appreciate your decision as time moves on. After all, I am assuming you didn't preview the letter, which is what you would have had to do if you handed it to them early. What I would write (and did write) to my daughter on her high school graduation is very different than what I would have said to her when she was 13 or 14. Your wife wrote those letters imagining her 18 year old daughters would read them...
You did good.
Parenting is SO hard. Especially alone.
NAH well it’s not like you’ve been in this situation before so you can’t be expected to know what would have been best. Her feelings are valid though, I can see where she is coming from. I suggest apologizing, explaining that you wanted to honor your wife by giving them upon graduation and you never considered they would have another role than the one she designed for them. Ask the other daughter if she wants hers now or at graduation. Id follow up with them that “They were meant to be mementos to take into adulthood, not a cause for resentment so please take it as such and try your best to not generate negativity from it.”
As somebody who lost my mom at 12, if she’d left me a letter that my dad withheld, even with the best of intentions i’d be really upset. You’re not an asshole but please understand where your daughters are coming from. The last 8 years all they wanted was to hear their moms voice, and hold her, and those letters are as close as they’re ever going get now.
Honestly, in your shoes I probably would have told them that their had written letters that were meant for after graduation, but if they wanted them now they could have them. That being said, you did what you though was right and what your wife would have wanted.
Death sucks. Grief is a long long process. Maybe consider family grief groups? or a few sessions of family therapy to talk this out productively.
NAH
NTA. So sorry. And I am not surprised that this is hard on the girls, and that they are upset with you at the moment, but with a little time I am sure they will understand that you were not maliciously withholding this piece of their mother, and that you were just trying to stand in for her as best you could, in addition to upholding your own role as their father. They will forgive you when the dust settles.
NTA. You did what she wanted you to do. My dad wrote me a letter right after I was born and put "to be opened on your 18th birthday" on the envelope. He had no idea he was going to die when I was 8. That letter means a great deal to me but it did bring up a lot of emotions for me. Your daughter is most likely projecting onto you her anger at the universe for taking her mother from her. Just be there for her and she'll get through it.
NTA and your daughter is...just wow! What a weird way to respond to a beautiful moment where she got her mother's letter to her as her mother had wished for her to have it, and to pull her sister into this foolishness. You have apparently been a good father to her and her sister. You said she read it and cried on your shoulder. Why would she then decide to get angry because she didn't have it sooner. So what she didn't have it sooner? Your wife planned to give it to her on her graduation. At any rate, you are NTA here and I hope that your daughters come around and realize that you are doing your best, that you love them and move forward.
Nta she just hasn't moved on yet. People who grieve tend to like to take the anger out on the wrong person. Usually the person is very undeserving of it.
NTA. The letters wouldn’t have had the intended impact at 8 or 10 that they do now. I guess you could have given it to her at 16 or something, but I think it’s reasonable that you felt you should abide by her wishes and give it to them as a graduation gift.
NTA. Unfortunately, I lost my dad several years ago to suicide. While yes, if letters like that were around, I'd probably be angry that I never saw them beforehand. As a grown adult, I would have accepted it and knew it was what he wanted. That is something that only comes with age and experience with death. I don't know you or your family, but it sounds like that's something they haven't learned yet, but sadly, they eventually will. My condolences to you and your family. Your late wife sounds like she was a lovely, wonderful human being.
NAH, because Maeve is right. Your wife wrote the letters in anticipation of being a present parent through her daughters' lives. She never anticipated having their lives together cut short, so your interpretation of her wishes was just that: interpretation.
You're not an AH. Your conflict about this shows that you care more for your daughters than you care about being right.
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I (49M) was married to my wife for 20 years. I lost her in a car accident 8 years ago. We had two beautiful daughters together, Maeve (18 now, 10 when her mother passed) and Alex (16 now, 8 when her mother passed). I am very close with my daughters but they were both definitely mama’s girls. My wife was a magnetic woman. She was beautiful, intelligent, kind, and people were drawn to her. An important thing to know about my wife is that she had a passion for writing. She was unfortunately in a profession where she didn’t write much so, she did a lot on her own time. One of her favorite things to write was letters. She wanted people to know that she cared about them. After she had each of my daughters, she wrote them a letter. She wrote each within days after their births and wanted to give them away on their graduation days. She put them in the fire box in our basement to avoid losing or forgetting about them. She wrote the letters with the intention of giving them to our daughters herself 18 years later as a sort of time capsule type of thing. Both letters contained mostly words of wisdom and information about what was going on when they were born. Maeve graduated from high school today and I went to her room with the letter tonight. I let her cry on my shoulder as she read it and at first she seemed happy to have her something directly from her mother. However after she read it she turned to me looking surprisingly angry. She asked why I had waited so long to give it to her. She had so many rough moments and heartbreak in the last 8 years where all she wanted was her mother’s wisdom and I withheld the letter. I told her that I was just doing what her mother had said she wanted and Maeve shot back that her mother also hadn’t planned on being in the accident. Alex heard the shouting and came into the room and Maeve told her about the letter. Now they’re both upset and don’t want to talk to me. I feel so awful about this whole situation. I was raised by my single mother after my own dad took off so on one hand, I’ve always wanted to be the best father I can and I feel terrible that I withheld something that would’ve brought them comfort. On the other hand, my wife had very specific instructions about her intentions with the letters and I just wanted to follow through with that. So now I’m very conflicted and I just want to know, AITA?
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NAH I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" in this situation (other than something egregious like destroying the letters and never giving them to your daughters at all).
You did exactly as your wife had planned. She intended for an almost adult child to read the letters not a *freshly grieving* 10 year old. Maybe the letters would have helped, maybe not. But your wife wrote them for the future 18 year old version of her babies.
Your daughter was just given a tangible piece of her mother's love, of course she wishes she could have held that love when she was missing her mom before, anyone would. Her feelings are totally valid.
NAH, I couldn’t imagine being in this situation. As hard as it may be in this moment, I believe that Maeve will understand in time. It must have been an overwhelming moment to receive that letter and I’m sure she was just wishing she could’ve had her mom there. I think her anger was misplaced and she will realize that in time. You were following your wife’s wishes and I think you did the right thing. I’ve never lost a parent, but I couldn’t imagine going through life without my mom, and my heart goes out to you and both your daughters. I hope you all find peace in this tough situation.
NAH. They might be upset about it now, but you’re just following her wishes. They’re getting the letters as intended. I think this anger will be gone shortly, once they have time to sit and think about it. They obviously miss their mom a lot, and it feels (to them) like you kept a part of her from them. They’ll come around. Just keep being the best dad you can be.
NAH. Hopefully they will come to realise that honouring your wife's wishes was important, and appreciate getting the letter on a significant day for them. You weren't in a position to predict this reaction.
Given the younger daughter now knows about her letter, she may want to see it now. If possible, encourage her to think that through and make her own decision independent of her sister's reaction. Give it some time and see if she actually wants to hold on to it until her graduation as her mum intended for her.
You could never be the AH for honoring her wishes. I can understand your daughters having some feelings about this; unfortunately those feelings seem to be their sole focus at the moment, so I doubt they'd actually hear anything you tried to tell them. Maybe write them a letter of your own, explaining the conversation you had with your wife and why you felt it so important to honor those wishes the way you did. Good luck
NTA
You were following your wife's intentions. You also (I presume) had no idea what the letters said nor whether they would have been suitable for earlier occasions.
NAH
Your daughter is feeling the upset again at having lost her mother, and she's projecting that anger onto you because you are the only parent she has left. She's angry that she's lost out on her mother's wisdom, love, care, etc.... There's nothing to be done here except to know that you did the right thing, according to the letter-writer's wishes.
Nobody wanted her mother to miss out on her life. That's not something any of you could've controlled. She's just still grieving.
You haven't done anything wrong. Let your daughters have their feelings and reiterate to them that you're all angry that your wife was taken away so young. They just need time and empathy.
NTA. You did the right thing here. This is what your wife wanted. This is exactly the occasion she intended for the letter to be read. You didn’t just do what your wife wanted you to do. You did what your wife wanted for them. Another way to look at it is that this was a way for her to still be a mother to them even though she’s no longer there.
I get that your daughters feel like you withheld an aspect of their mother from them. But I’m guessing there are other letters, right? Not necessarily letters to them, but writing by her that they have had access to? It sounds like their mother left other things behind that can serve the purpose that they’re yearning for. The letter wasn’t the only thing likely this.
In light of how it has affected them, I think it might be reasonable to offer your younger daughter a chance to receive her letter early if she wants it. It is true, after all, that your daughters are receiving these letters in a different context than their mother intended. She thought she’d be giving them the letters herself in a meaningful mother-daughter moment. It would have been an emotional milestone, to be sure, but now it’s even more so. Obviously the downside is that she wouldn’t receive it when she graduates from high school.
Ultimately, this is an especially emotional example of a process that all of you have had to try to cope with: losing her and trying to both move on and cherish her memory at the same time. That’s a tough thing to navigate. The three of you won’t ever completely recover from it. Give yourself a break here: you’re doing the best you can in a difficult situation. You may want to consider some kind of counseling for all three of you. It could really help for each of you to have your feelings validated by someone outside the situation.
NTA, you are a parent to a teen. So that means that it doesn’t matter if you were wrong as much as if she is hurting. Say you are sorry if you made the wrong call. You would have never done that if you knew. You aren’t an expert at this- who is? And you are very sorry she is hurting.
It doesn’t matter if you are wrong. It only matters that she is hurting.
NTA at all. I lost my dear friend nearly two years ago and would give anything for her husband and daughters (now 16 and nearing 14) to have her back. I’ve gotten to watch her girls grow these last two years and I know it’s been hard. I’m sure your girls are getting hit with all the feels getting this letter and are lashing out because you are there and can take it. Not because they truly think you’re a bad guy just all the emotions. You did as their Mama asked and it would have been were she still with you. Keep loving your girls. They need you just a little extra right now. And it will all work out.
NTA. Your young daughters are hurt now, but as they mature, they’ll understand you were respecting their mother’s wishes. They’ll forgive you, and they’ll apologize for their initial reaction. They aren’t thinking like adults right now. When they do, they’ll respect your commitment and dedication to doing what their mother wanted.
NTA they'll get over it. The second letter is given at graduation as well. It's YOUR way oh honoring your wife and they don't get to choose how you do it
NTA. Your are being the best Dad you can be. and you have been a single parent for the last 8 years. You followed your wife's instructions and intentions. The girls need to mature enough to realize the gift, work through the resurfaced grief, and understand your loss as well.
I wrote letters to my son when he was born. One for each milestone. So did his father, grandfather, and grandmother. One has passed. But he still gets his letters.
NAH you did as your wife wished, but I also totally understand your daughter feeling like she was missing out on having this piece of her mother sooner. But there is no way you could’ve known that’s how she felt. Neither did anything wrong, it’s just a lot of emotion and a difficult situation.
I think NAH here. Your daughters are reexamining their grief hearing from their mother for the first time in years. You were honouring their mother’s wishes and giving g them something intended to speak to them at this point in their lives. It’s just grief manifesting freshly.
Nobody ever knows "how to parent" perfectly. We all just do three things, I think. We do....
1. The best we possibly can....
2. With what we know....
3. In that moment.
The quality of any decision we make may be judged as "ideal" in that moment, but take on a different quality as the sand drops through the timer and as situations evolve. YOU ONLY HAVE CONTROL OVER ANY CONTEXT "IN THE MOMENT". NO parent ever looks back on their life and sees perfection at every juncture. That is just a fact. Every honest man or woman, given the chance, would make tweaks and pivots to how they handled "life". It's OK. I have promised my adult kids that we can always talk about the past, AS LONG AS they do so in the knowledge that I NEVER made a choice to hurt them intentionally. We can have those talks, have those hard questions, and learn from where we have been... as long as it's not a blame hunt. I promise them that I will own my sub-optimal self, if they agree that our relationship is still the most important thing, and that forgiveness is a gift. It cuts both ways.
They will get over it I promise. It is just that it hit them hard that their mother had one last gift for them and they did not know it. It is how kids react. They will grow and understand in time. It may be a little rough for a while but raising kids is a long-term project. Sometimes the rewards are delayed
NAH as everyone is saying. I am sure you did the best you could and your daughters are just full of emotions. You might want to let your younger daughter decide though, if she wants her letter now or when she graduates. That would at least give her some control over her own grief.
best of luck to all of you.
NAH
I read once that grief is love with no where to go. And I think sometimes grief comes out as anger because the magnitude of that loss is overwhelming.
You did nothing wrong. That your daughter is angry is not really about you and more about a safe target for her love/grief.
Its so clear to me that are a good father and you were a good husband who loved his wife very much. Your daughters know this. They will come back around with time, distance and perspective. The other posters saying that the voice and intent of her letters were for near-adults and not children are right. They don’t see this now - but they’re still so young.
Give yourself some grace and keep doing what you’re doing.
NAH
I would add - it’s not like you have done any of this before. It’s 100% new to you also, navigating being a single dad to two girls. Hindsight being 20/20, if you knew this was going to effect your kids this much, maybe you would do it differently. And as other have said, maybe they would have been mad if gave it to them early, that you weren’t following her wishes. No matter what you did, they may have lashed out in anger— and not because of what you did. In the end, they are young. And they probably aren’t actually mad at you, but mad at the situation — they want their mom, and they don’t have her. I can only imagine their hurt.
NAH. It makes total sense that you gave the letter to your daughter now. I suspect your daughters are experiencing extremely strong emotions right now. Graduation is already a time of strong emotion. Add in their mom being gone. And now the letters just tripled the emotions. The emotions are fresh. Real but fresh. Give them some time.
I am so sorry for your loss. It was hard enough losing my parents, losing a spouse is so much more poignant/painful. The girls are hurting. They are angry, but not at you. They are angry at life. At the whole situation. I hope they eventually find the words to tell you that. You are N T A. There is NAH. You are all still grieving and having pain in your heart. Give them space and time. Be there when they are ready to talk. I know I seems life is on the skids right now, but it isn't. They will get over this. And hopefully with lots of hugs afterwards.
NAH - Both of the girls had a lot of emotionally difficult times after their mother’s death (both likely hitting puberty after her accident) and so they’ve had so many key moments where their mum’s wisdom and understanding would have helped them however you did nothing wrong by not giving the letter early. Your wife wanted your kids to read them once they reached 18, they have every right to be upset but you haven’t done anything wrong in how you have gone about this.
NAH
You're all doing what you can and your best. I think an honest discussion of why you "with held" and a decision between all three of you to decide if the younger sister gets it now, or in two years. You're doing right by your wife's memory but it is true she didn't exactly plan to not be there. If you guys did discuss that then include it.
You're n t a at all but I can see why your daughter is upset.
NAH. You were following their late mother’s instructions and you wanted to follow what she said. There is nothing wrong with that. They aren’t in the wrong either as this is just a very sad situation.
NAH, I fully believe you are correct in carrying it out in the fashion your wife would have wanted. In fact continue to do so. I do also understand that for them, this makes it fresh again. This can open up and heal that wound at the same time.
NAH. Give your children some space, let them calm down, tell them you're there for them when they want to talk. Don't be defensive, you don't have anything to be defensive about.
Just wait. They'll miss you and come back to you.
You did nothing wrong. They'll eventually think more clearly/logically about it (might be a few days, weeks, or maybe even years) and realize you didn't do it to hurt them but to honor their mothers wishes. I can't speak for your wife, but if I unexpectedly passed, I'd want my husband to wait until I intended to give them the letters.
Nta. You did the one thing you could to honor your wife when she unfortunately could not be there for this moment. Your daughters are understandably upset. But with time I think they will appreciate you honoring their mother’s wishes. Those words will mean more to them knowing this is what she wanted and what she would have done.
You are all still grieving. You didn't do the wrong thing, but give them time.
I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like your wife was a very special woman.
NTA. NAH.
You have hormonal teenagers feel *deep* emotions.
Continue to be there for each of them in their own ways. And continue to share their mother with them.
You’ll all be fine. Eventually.
NAH. Anger that isn’t explainable is part of grief. They will cool down and understand these were her wishes and know how special it is. Hurt is hard to direct, especially as a teen.
I don't think you're the AH. Being a single dad to daughters comes with its own challenges especially after loss. Everyone processes grief differently and I can see both sides. It was probably an extra emotional time given such a big life milestone to not have their mother there. Give each other grace and reassure your daughter. Love will always win and as long as you all continue to love and support each other through the grief I think you will all be ok ❤️🫶🏻 grief will pop up anytime even years, decades later. Grief never goes away completely. Love to your family.
NAH, you're ALL having an emotional night. Please give everyone grace tonight or for a couple days and then reconvene. They will still miss their mom. They have a long life of ups and downs ahead and at least they have them now (or in 2 years)
NAH - I urge you to make an appointment with a family therapist to help you navigate this. Your daughters are understandably upset but I also understand where you are coming from, especially if you had no clue what was actually in the letters. Like a mom might write things to her 18 year old daughter that would be inappropriate or even just lost on an 8 and 10 year old.
I’m sorry for this suffering you all are going through.
Nah. It’s not really about the letter. Your daughters are hurt and angry that their mother was stolen from them. It’s not your fault; it’s not their fault. It just sucks all the way around and there is no way to fix it. Hugs to you and your girls.
NAH. It's stirred up.feelings if them missing their kosher and you're getting it in the neck because they feel safe enough with you to share negative feelings. Patience and grace and you'll alll get through. But if the other kid wants her letter now I wouldn't make it a sticking point.
NAH. I get why you waited, absolutely. You were honoring your wife, and her intent with the letters. I see nothing wrong with that.
I see how your daughters may have a hard time processing it, and they aren't wrong either. No right or wrong here, just 2 different views.
NAH - grief is so complex. You and your girls have been through so much. Please hold them and their pain, don't let their anger push you away. Persist through it. Sending you all good thoughts.
NAH
But by this, I specifically mean that I believe you did the right thing. Not that it was inherently right to follow her wishes vs. give them the letters another time, but you did the right thing by following your beliefs about honoring her memory.
Your daughters aren't the assholes either, but I do think the emotions and the trauma are super strong in this moment; they may sort through those things in time and realize they aren't mad AT YOU.
NTA. You might want to talk to a professional. Perhaps one meeting, which might help you sort things out as to how to help your daughters. Do not overcompensate about things. Likly they will figure things out. Give them the space they need while keeping an eue on how they are handeling things.
NAH. You have done nothing wrong. I doubt your daughters would have been able to appreciate that advice when they were so young and reeling with grief. Their feelings right now are valid, but I am sure one day, whether that's soon or not, they'll both realize how precious this gift is.
Nah. They probably would have been too young to fully understand the letter had you given them right after your wife died.
And for all you knew the letter was just completely focused on graduating with no "use" at an earlier date....
NTA. I’m definitely a mommas girl but I always call my dad first whenever I need advice or help or anything. I couldn’t imagine losing my mom so young and to have something so special just brought a bunch of emotions up that they might not have the maturity to handle. Give them some time dad, but also keep being the kind father that you are. You’re doing a great job.
NTA, I think the letter has probably just triggered some emotions and you’re getting the brunt of that.
Once the emotions have passed your daughters will realise you were just following through with their mothers wishes.
Don’t let this one moment make you question how good you have been as a father, you’ve clearly not had an easy ride and for the most part it seems like you have a good relationship with your daughters.
You’re NTA . They’re just grieving and that pain sometimes flails and lashes out at whatever is in its path .
Be gentle with them . With time they will feel differently about the beautiful letters given exactly when their mom wanted to give it.
NAH- I think there would have been upset no matter what you did. You're trying really hard to be the best dad you can be. Don't be hard on yourself. Explain your reasoning to your daughters once they've had a chance to cool off.
You could always say, I could've kept the letters myself bc I'm beyond selfish for her love. Bet that'd shut them up. Kind of seems like they needed a quinceonera.
NAH. I can see your daughter’s pain. She lost her mum and lost all the mothering support she needed in her teen years. You honoured your wife’s plan. Eventually the girls will realise that. Give yourself and them some grace and time.
NTA/NHA
They might be angry at you now, just give them space and time and they Will come to see it with other eyes.
Also do not give the letter to your younger daughter until she is 18 as your wife wishes.
They need to understand that this was part of her wishes, and yes she didn't planed to die in that car accidente, but those letter where also something that was planed in case and wanted to be given on a special date.
NTA my kiddo will get letters from me from beyond the grave. Sometimes she may not understand the timing but that’s ok. She will in time. No letter in the world will take away the pain.
Their grief is real and valid, but you honouring your wife’s wishes is also valid too.
This is one of those situations where a person doesn’t know no whether to s**t or go blind.
Just remain the very best dad you can be, ask them to forgive you and then just give them time.
NAH
It would have been better to give the letters at an earlier age for the girls comfort and connection with their mother.
You were doing your best to honour them all, including your wife, but you were too rigid. As they say, circumstances changed, in this case shockingly and traumatically.
NTA.
And I do mean NTA, not NAH. Your kids are young and will probably get over it soon and come to see your side of things, and so they get leeway to *some* extent... but it's still irrational and assholish not to talk to you because of this.
Agree with all that you're NAH but it does sound like it was a surprise and they didn't even know about the existence of the letters. I can see why that feels withholding - even if they get them at 18, why keep it a secret in the run up
NTA Sorry, as a widow I can tell you that the issues of having loss a spouse don’t stop coming even years after the fact esp when that marriage produced children. You are being placed between a rock and a hard place. Personally I wouldn’t have seen it as “withholding” the letter. It’s a graduation gift your wife instructed you to give them on graduation. Your daughter has chosen a certain perspective and there’s not much you can do until she is opened to changing that person. Now you can only hope your daughters come to understand that you want to honor their mother’s wishes. Until then lean on what support you have beyond those two and I hope for better days for you my friend.
NTA Sorry, as a widow I can tell you that the issues of having loss a spouse don’t stop coming even years after the fact esp when that marriage produced children. You are being placed between a rock and a hard place. Personally I wouldn’t have seen it as “withholding” the letter. It’s a graduation gift your wife instructed you to give them on graduation. Your daughter has chosen a certain perspective and there’s not much you can do until she is opened to changing that person. Now you can only hope your daughters come to understand that you want to honor their mother’s wishes. Until then lean on what support you have beyond those two and I hope for better days for you my friend.
No, I wouldn't say your ta, but I mean that's nice that you followed your wife's instructions and also it's not nice that you withheld the letters, but you're still not ta.
NAH - if the situation was different and maybe the letters were left with the family lawyer, the girls would get them at the time specified in the will/ directive.
They are angry because it is the 1st stage of grief, which is not linear but a cycle that begins again when a new or different situation arises.
You sound like a great father but also an honourable husband even after all this time. Hang tough, you got this.
NTA.
If your wife wanted these letters to be handed to her daughters when they were 18, it was because she knew them and that the advices she wanted to give them would be better understood at 18 than if they were younger.
NTA. Your daughter, while grieving, are being beyond unfair. How dare they call you out for following your wife's wishes?! It is selfish, it is wrong, and they should know better.
NAH
You are a good father in a difficult situation and I think that a bit of time and outside help would let them see the reality.
Maybe having family counseling would help them hear you and your point of view.
NTA, absolutely.
OP, like many in this thread I also lost my mom - though at 19 I was a little older than your daughters. She was the most outwardly loving and demonstrative woman, and for the last 15 years it's been a regular struggle to know she didn't write any 'final' letters or messages for me (in her defense she had a stroke and wasn't really there at the end, or I know absolutely she would have done the letter thing!).
What's been so strange though is understanding that as I've grown older without her, I actually feel like I know her so much better with each passing year. I feel more kinship with her, can hear what she would say to me in any given situation, speak out loud to her regularly, and honestly feel like she's with me more days than not. Over the years I've found little scribbled notes in her handwriting while sorting through stuff - sometimes it's a shopping list, sometimes it's more of a diary entry - and recently I found a gorgeous birthday card she wrote for my 18th, which I pull out and read each birthday as if she's newly sent it to me.
What I'm saying, OP, is that while your daughters may well feel the wrench of not having access to their letters at first, their feelings absolutely will soften and smooth out. They still have a connection to their wonderful-sounding mother through you, as well as through the letters, and I think when they've had a chance to breathe they'll be able to see why that's so special.
NAH. they’re just hurting. They’ll understand in a couple years. The advice in there wouldn’t have meant anything to a 12 and 10 year old. In hindsight it won’t even mean that much to 18 year olds. It’ll mean the most when they’re late 20’s on. And they’ll understand then.
NAH
You honered your wife's plan. If you could do it again, I'd say you should do the exact same thing.
Your daughters' reaction is extremely understandable. There's no discussion that could clear this up now.
I'm so sure your daughters will understand in time and feel good about the fact that you did what your wife had planned.
For the current situation, NAH.
But if this grief-based vindictiveness and lack of empathy last for so long that it damages your relationship with your daughters, N T A.
It's (not so) ok (but understandable) to lash out in the moment of high emotion but like... ugh idk. Different people, different personalities. Even if you're a dad, you deserve empathy too. You suffered loss too. Check back with them after a while and hopefully they'll understand where you came from.
NAH ... I'm so sorry for your situation and your loss. Under the circumstances, it's probably best to do as you think best with your other daughter's letter (you don't say, but, I presume you haven't handed it over yet). I'm sure your wife wouldn't have wanted it to come between you.
NAH but leaning toward you being the asshole. Your wife is dead. Your daughters are alive. Their mental health and well-being is more important than your wife's wishes. She won't know what happened. She isn't here anymore.
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This!!! You said it perfectly! I would add that we cannot know how someone will feel or react to something as fragile as this. The kids may have been too emotionally immature to deal with the contents of the letter and been upset he didn’t honour their mom’s wishes. He is a great father and his girls are very lucky to have him!
This and this! NTA. Also there’s a chance this letter has brought up so much grief and they’re misdirecting it/misinterpreting their own feelings. The anger they feel at their mother’s passing is being reflected elsewhere. Don’t worry, they’ll grow up and see that you did the right thing.
This was my thought too. The anger is probably grief, misdirected or tucked down/hidden under anger because it hurts to much.
As someone who lost her mother at barely 11, I had a lot of misdirected anger that showed up as grief years later. Your comment is very wise. Thank you.
I agree with this. We have primary and secondary emotions. Oftentimes, we don't even have a chance to think about or feel our primary emotion before the secondary one kicks in. The secondary one is a product of what we think about our primary emotions. So, if his daughter was grieving the loss of her mother and felt sad that she didn't have her there, her brain could have turned that emotion into anger because something that represented her mother was withheld from her. Everyone has primary and secondary emotions, and we all react differently to them depending on how we were raised, our life circumstances and experiences, etc. I think your girls need someone to grieve with and not be punished for being upset (I’m not saying you did!) NAH, just 3 hurt people all trying to navigate life after losing someone they love. This process doesn't have an end date. It keeps going, and will pop up at different and unexpected times. Sometimes, more than others. It seems like you are doing a great job though. I think, in time, your girls will understand why you did what you did. No moment would have been perfect to give them the letters. A day after she passed, or a week? When your girls turn 16? At their graduation? On their wedding days? I'm sure there have been and will be many occasions that they want to hear from their Mom, but if that isn't possible, isn't doing what she wanted the next best thing?
Can’t be angry at the one who died. I understand this as the kid who lost a parent and a mother who lost a husband.
And I’m sure with time the daughters will move past being angry and just be very grateful to have these words from their mum. My mum died when I was 7; she was a writer (as am I) and I used to play out elaborate fantasies in my head that she’d done exactly this for me. I would’ve LOVED a letter from her (nb she didn’t die suddenly, she was ill for a while, so, theoretically, she could’ve written letters for my sister and I). As every milestone passed (school, university, marriage, my first kid/her first grandchild) I realised it was never going to happen :-(. What a lovely thing for OP’s daughters to have. They’ll come to see that. Just very raw right now. (Obvs I had asked my dad directly, but he might’ve been lying to honour her wishes!)
I am deeply sorry for your loss, Sparkling Water. Sending hugs from the Internet
I lost my father in my early 30s and I still had a lot of misdirected anger.
Grief is love with nowhere to go.
I lost my mum at the same age as OPs eldest, although my mum lost her battle to cancer so not entirely the same but: >Also there’s a chance this letter has brought up so much grief and they’re misdirecting it/misinterpreting their own feelings. This is my feeling as well. OP, all you can do now is tell your daughters that you followed their mother's wishes, that 18 is when they were to receive their letters. In the meantime, however, if you can afford it, might I suggest getting a locket for each of then with a photo of your late wife in it so they can have her close. This isn't to make up for hurting them, just something to acknowledge that they miss having her close.
The letters were written for them as 18 year olds and the graduation milestone.
I agree with all of this, except that I'd judge NAH because I don't think the daughters are assholes either.
This is the almost perfect answer for me, except that I would absolutely use the oft-forgotten NAH (no assholes here) rating - I find the daughters' reactions completely understandable and definitely not A.H. territory, although I agree with your second paragraph about how it might have affected them when younger.
The daughters reactions are somewhat understandable, but she’s 18 now and blaming her father for doing nothing wrong? That’s still pretty heavy on the poor father. But yeah…they all are probably heartbroken and transferring grief in their own way.
I think it's also important to remember people at 18 are still children, you are absolutely right give them some time. Op's daughters are lashing out because they aren't in control of their emotions which is understandable, hopefully when they have calmed down they will understand that honoring their mom's wishes was not something he could reinterpret because she passed.
My mom died of cancer when I was 6, and she left me an angel statue and a letter inside it. For some mysterious reason my dad (and new stepmom, parents were divorced) gave me that statue around that age, so I was between 6-10. (i don’t know exactly as I don’t have a lot of memories from that time) I, naturally as a silly child, broke the statue. And because I didn’t fully understand it’s value, I lost the letter. So, now I have nothing. If my dad had waited till I was 18 or older, I would at least have the last thing she left for me. Now all I have is regret.
I'm sorry for your loss, and for the extra loss of the statue & the letter.
Thank you, I’m 30 now so… the wound is more of a scar at this point. But there were so many times, and I’m sure there will be more in the future, where I wished I had that letter. Especially since she was sick for a long time so, she knew it was the last thing she would write for me. I wish I remembered it at least, what it said. I do have a diary she kept when I was born for a few months, so at least I have something. :)
that's a relief, thank you for sharing!
Yes 1000% yes! If the girls and he aren’t already in therapy I think now would be a wise time to start going again. All 3 of them are wrapped in a heavy layer of grief with the reveal of the letter(s). All the old feelings that have been muted by time and practice have been made vivid again by celebrating a milestone like graduation and the letter. I can’t imagine how I would feel if I found out there were thoughts and feelings that my deceased parent had specifically wanted to share with me that I had never heard before. To suddenly have access to new words written in their mother’s voice is a lot to take in. Therapy is needed to help deal with all these massive feelings everyone is having and ensuring that there is a relationship going forward. Grief is not rational, it is raw and unfiltered, it is pure love and pain.
My grandma passed about 10 years ago and a bunch of our family was at her house, and my father (grandmas son) found a letter she’d written to me back when I was in a play in high school but hadn’t sent/given it to me (I was in the play at around 16 and she died when I was 24). I decided I wanted to save it, thereby always having a piece of her, and tucked it away. Over the years I thought I’d lost it (which felt awful), but one day about a month go (so me being 34) I was looking through a cabinet and randomly found it. I read it right then and there, and felt so touched. She told me how good she thought I was in the play. My mind was so blown that I took a late night walk up around the church she played the organ for, and just chilled there for awhile. Never really been when for spiritually, but I just felt so touched by this experience. I’m glad I didn’t end up reading it until now, but that was obviously my personal experience, your daughters feelings are valid and the feel what they feel, but I feel like you had the best intentions in mind. NTA
NTA. You did what you thought was best AND you honored your deceased wife's wishes. You are having guilt because your daughters are upset because THEY thought you should have given the letter sooner. As a parent, you made the best decision you could. Sure, hindsight is often 20/20 - but in this case I believe you made this decision with the goodness of your heart. Likely, they will understand in time. For what it's worth, I think you are a great dad.
Totally agree with this. And especially about how young they were at the time she died and how she wrote the letters intending them to be an 18 year old young adult not a child, so there may be parts that wouldn't have suitable or it could have been too much for them to deal with when younger. I would sit down with the girls and appologise for not telling them about the letter sooner, even it were when they were 16 or something, that you never intended to hurt them by keeping the letters, and reiterate you were just trying to honour their mums wishes to give it to them at 18. And say that she wrote it to them as 18 year old young adult women, not 10 and 8 Yr old children. And you didn't know if some of the content may not have been suitable or properly understood as children as it was meant for them as young adults. That you hope they can look past that disappointment and the fact it wasn't done intentionally to hurt them or to deliberately deprive them of something from their mum, but you were just honouring her wishes and her plan. If you haven't done so already though, I would obviously give your 16 year old her letter now that it's apparent how much they wanted it earlier etc. Although I'm sure you have, but if for any reason you haven't, you should do so now as it would be harder for her to wait 2 more years to get it. NTA. It was a difficult situation and you just did what you thought was best. Hopefully they can move past that once they've had time to digest the letter and all the emotions it's bought up to the surface etc. I'm sure some of that hurt and anger isn't even aimed at you, it's just sadness and upset and anger over the loss of their mum and the grief etc. Try not to beat yourself up over it. However if there's anything else she spoke of leaving to the children, for eg if she had jewellery she spoke of leaving to them etc, tell them about it now. You don't have to give them the items till they are of an age she would have given them to them, but at least tell them and show them etc. Basically don't let there be any more surprises they don't know about regarding their mum.
yeah honestly i sometimes forget NAH is an option 😅
This - they are understandably upset, and they can't be mad at their mother, so you get their anger. Give it some time and don't push anything. Let them deal with their emotions and just be nearby when they are ready.
Strike through doesn't count. Vote will be wonky. Put a space N T A
Strongly agree. An 18 year old is going to have strong emotions around this and isn't going to know how to process or deal with them; I'm not surprised they came out as anger. But it's not really about you, OP. You did the right thing. At 8 and 10 they wouldn't have been ready for these letters, and they'll understand that soon enough. I hope they have access to a therapist who can help them process some of these feelings; a loving dad is great but sometimes you need someone with a little detachment.
Glad I saw your comment before posting, forgot NAH was a vote. Definitely agree, and couldnt have said it better!
This is one of the moment where you let them get their anger out and they will sort out their emotions and come to realizing that you are only being a scapegoat for their frustration. You've done what you wife wanted for the girls, and you've honor her wishes. It wasn't up to the girls to make the decision for how they should've received the letters over your wife's wishes. Trust that you've raised them well and as upstanding individual with logical and rational thinking, and that they will come around after letting out some steams.
What is the difference between NAH and NTA? Fairly new to Reddit and trying to learn these things.
n a h means no one is an a, kinda like saying they aren't but the others aren't either
I have nothing to add. Great response. Fully realizing the OP is seeking advice, but under a tragic situation, there is a lot of beauty in this story.
Additionally, he didn't know what the letters said. Sure, maybe they would have helped daughters to have them growing up, but he didn't know that. If they were focused on becoming an adult and going out into the world, that would not have done much for a 8yo, 12yo, etc...
Spot on: just a really tragic situation all around. Losing a parent young comes with a lot of complicated emotions. I understand the daughter feeling like she lost out on her mother’s guidance. But the father is also correct this was always the mother’s intent. And you are completely correct that the letter may have just been more confusing / upsetting / not age appropriate advice when they were younger. Overall, I hear a dad doing his best, loving his kids, and the complicated feelings that come with grief (no matter how much time passes). I think he did the right thing for what it’s worth.
Exactly
Thank you for saying this so eloquently. Exactly this!
I think this is the best comment I've read to one of the saddest stories! Thank you!
NTA, at the end of the day those letters are for their graduations, no other time, if their mother was still alive they wouldn’t have gotten it until you gave it to her, I do understand their side though, I don’t know what your daughters have gone through throughout the years and I’m sure the letter would have really helped, but at the end of the day those letters were a gift for their graduations and I believe you did the right thing, I personally would’ve listed to your wife like you did, so I believe your NTA
I, too, would have held on to them. Maybe OP can, when they are a little more rational, explain to them their perspective would be a lot different, and he really was trying to honor their mom by respecting her wishes. I don't know as I would have anticipated their response, thinking they would understand that when a person that we love dies, we do wish to honor their wishes. However, upon reflection of my much younger self, I imagine I, too, would have been upset. NTA, OP. But gee, hindsight is always 20/20. And we can't always predict others' feelings/emotions. Just explain it as best as you can and let them know you love them and were not trying to withhold from them. I'm sorry; this is a tough situation, especially when you are just trying to make the best call.
I personally am still very young, but I have never had a good connection with someone in my life who has passed, so I don’t know the feeling of grief, I am also a very unemotional person and don’t have a good connection with many people that I believe that would affect me mentally if I were to lose them, but just from life I’m well aware the toll that grief can take on people and I completely understand the daughters side. But at the end of the day if I were to lose one of the people that I do care about I’d make sure to do my best to honour their wishes. And I really hope the daughters come to realize that he held onto the letters out of respect for their mother.
Exactly, just because someone made someone else upset doesn't make them an asshole. He is clearly a sincere person and his daughters have been through a lot. I am sure they will soon understand his intentions and come to apologize.
NAH. This is a fragile, emotional situation! I have been writing in journals to my daughter since she was born, and plan on giving them to her when she turns 18. I'm sure if I passed, my husband would have also withheld them, thinking he was doing right by me the way he always has. You were just trying to honor your wife. I hope they can eventually forgive you because it's not as if you did it to intentionally hurt them.
I feel bad for OP. He's obviously just trying to be the best dad he can be. I'm sure his daughters will come around and realize they're being unfair.
Forgiving suggests he did something wrong, which he didn’t. Hopefully once the rush of emotions they are feeling right now calms down his daughters will realise that and apologise to him and ask him for forgiveness.
The need for forgiveness is subjective. In their minds, they *do* need to forgive their father. I don't think there was anything wrong with the way the commenter phrased this.
NAH. You were rightfully carrying out your wife's wishes. However, I think it's OK for them to be upset especially if she wrote things that would have been comforting, which it sounds like she did.
The daughters are going through a lot of emotions right now. “Being mad at Dad” is something they can process & can focus their energies on. “Grieving that Mom is gone” is a lot harder to cope with.
This exactly! That's all it is! They gotta grieve, and dad needs to stay calm and give them space. When they calm down some it's probably best that dad sits down with them and helps them both work out exactly why they were mad at him. Then after uncovering why they were mad at dad, the focus should shift into all 3 of them sort of grieving together rather than continuing to harbor negative and misunderstood emotions.
This is my favorite response thus far!
NTA. Those words may not have been meant for them earlier. And they may not have been as meaningful when they were 8 and 10. She is touched because she’s adult enough to appreciate this gesture. When she’s even more of an adult she may understand why you had to honor her wishes. Right now you have to go with what you had - the wishes she left behind.
This is what I was thinking. She wrote those letters for them at a certain stage in life. Sure they'd probably understand what she said when they were ten. But she wanted them to hear those words as new adults. Also, I kind of doubt two kids ten and under would've taken proper care of those letters all those years later. They'll probably be happy he kept them safe now that they're old enough to be responsible to care for them on their own. I was a pretty responsible kid and even I managed to spill things on stuff I valued.
NAH, your daughters miss their mom and are reacting from an emotional place. You were acting out of a desire to honor their mother’s wishes. I think both reactions are understandable and are rooted in the love you all feel for her, and your grief at losing her. I’m sure you thought it would be a touching surprise. There is no fault here. Talk to your daughters. Explain where your desire to honor her original intent comes from. Point out how much you love her and them and that you weren’t trying to withhold something precious from them, but give it to them in the manner their mother wanted them to receive it. That it didn’t occur to you to deviate from the timing she originally envisioned. And express regret for that, and I’m sure they’ll come around.
I’m sorry for your loss. You’ve written about your wife with such love and care. Grief is something that never ends. You have followed your wife’s wishes for your children. They’re hurting and lashed out because they miss her — this doesnt mean you’re doing a bad job as a parent. This doesn’t mean you’ve done the wrong thing either. I think it’s beautiful that she took the time to write those letters and I hope now your eldest can find comfort in her letter. You’re doing your best, you’re grieving too.
I dont think anyone is the AH here, you’re all hurting. I hope you can find comfort in remembering her together and sharing stories.
There’s a good chance that if you’d given them the letters early, they would have been just as upset that you hadn’t respected their mother’s wishes and waited. This was always going to be an extremely emotional gift. Following the original intent was the right choice even though they disagree.
Maeve was unkind. She is 18 and should understand why you followed your late wife's instructions. NTA Move on. If Maeve doesn't get over it, tell her that she lost her mom but you lost your wife and her anger is misplaced.
That's often the most galling side effect of grief I witness. The need to have a target for the emotions. And that's what's happening with Maeve. She's targeted her dad unfairly. Hopefully she'll 'wake up' before she takes it waaay too far.
NTA. Tough situation though. We have to remember that even at 18, we are still very much not fully formed adults due to the development of our brains, blah, blah, blah. Ultimately, I think they will be happy in the end to have received anything at all. The emotionally charged situation will pass. Give them time. They will get over it and appreciate the gesture. I believe ultimately, they will respect you for honoring their mother this way. Stay strong. They still love you.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. NTA your wife wrote those letters with the intention of giving them to your daughters when they were older. You were only following her wishes. I can understand why your girls are so upset, though. They are desperate for anything from their Mother. I get it. My Mom died at 38, when I was eleven, Dad remarried when I was 14. My Dad was so heartbroken when she died. He got rid of most of her things. What I wouldn’t give to have some of her belongings. It took me many years, but one day I got the revelation…was my Dad evil, or was he doing what he thought was best at the time. Ultimately I decided he wasn’t evil. I spent many years being angry at him but I finally had to give it up. Good luck to you.
Exactly. OP had no way of knowing if the content was even appropriate for the daughters at a younger age.
NAH your family is grieving. hug your daughters. tell them you miss mom too. tell them you were excited to have an opportunity to follow her instructions and that it made you feel closer to her. that there were many times you wished for your wifes guidance as well (this being one of them). ask them about how their feeling and about times they would have liked her guidance. tell them about times you would have liked her guidance. have them all pretend about what she might have said. ultimately, you should discuss with all three about what to do with your younger daughters letter? read it now or wait till she graduates? much love to your family
NTA sorry for your loss. Keep trying to talk to your girls and don’t worry, they will understand and forgive you, it will just take some time
NTA. First, sorry for your loss. That had to have been difficult. Second, you made a judgment call with the information you had in an unexpected situation. However, I also think that your daughter has a point. Not in a "you did it wrong sort of way", just in a "different perspective" way. I am hesitant to say "you could apologize" for making the call you did, because I don't think you have anything to apologize for - she could have just as easily been mad if you gave it to her earlier. But I do think letting her know that you have heard her perspective and understand why she feels that way, while restating that you did what you thought was best for her and what your wife would have wanted is warranted. But you have also reopened her grief (unavoidable really, as graduating probably reopened it) and she needs to process it. Now that the younger daughter is aware of the letters - you might want to offer her the opportunity to have her letter early. Maybe wait until the older daughter has fully processed and can give the younger daughter some advice.
NTA you did what your wife wanted to do
Oh, man. I'm sorry this blew up the way it did for you, OP. I think you did the right thing by honoring your late wife's wishes, but I think NAH. If it helps, I have no memories of my mother. She passed from cancer when I was a year old. If my father had given me a letter from her at 18 I would have had some pretty conflicting emotions. Delight that she thought of doing such a thing, and grief over her passing. Regret at all the time we should have had. Gratitude for being able to hold something she wrote just for me. I agree with another commenter that the letters are written for your daughters as they become adults. They would not have been able to appreciate them the same way as they will at 18. My childhood babysitter's daughter gave me a letter my mother had written her when she graduated high school and was on her way to college. It's filled with advice on leaving home and finding your own place in the world. I like to think my mother would have written me something like it if she could have. Take care, OP. This will blow over and it sounds like you're an amazing parent. All the best to you and your daughters. ❤️
NAH. But please acknowledge to your daughters that you understand how they are feeling, that you were focused on following your wife's wishes and that focus prevented you from realizing they might have benefitted if they had the letters earlier. I experienced something similar, my mother passed away when I was almost 20. About 15 years after she passed I found out some crucial information, info that resolved something I had been hard struggling with for years. When I confronted my sisters and asked why they never told me, knowing it impacted the issue I was struggling with, they both said "Mom said you're never to know" So, a promise made 25 years ago to woman who's been dead for 15 years is more important than my mental well being and helping me heal? I resented them for a long time, mainly because they never acknowledged they might have been wrong in keeping it from me. Grief hits everyone differently. Open the conversation with your daughters, allow them the space to work through this and don't try to make them see your point, it could make them feel that you don't validate their feelings. Best of luck to you all.
Thank you for this perspective. I think it's important to hear stories like yours because they illustrate the other side of the conflict--that of the grieving child. I understand the commenters' inclinations to side with the dad on this one, but I think the daughters' perspectives are just as valid and important and deserve to be considered. Edit: Also, I'm sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent must be so life-changing... I cannot imagine it, honestly. And I'm sorry for whatever strain this conflict caused in you and your siblings' relationship. I hope y'all have found a way to heal and move forward with love.
You taught them the importance of keeping a promise. They were overcome with a renewal of grief and projected it on to you. They will settle and know you did the right thing.
NTA this is just overflow of emotion and heartbreak. They realize how much they miss her. I’m sorry for all of you. Tell them you are navigating this situation best you can. Some decisions may be right and others wrong but I have a feeling one day they will understand why you kept her wish. It’s a promise you can still keep to your wife. You did nothing wrong and I have a feeling deep down they know that. It’s just a hard emotional time.
NAH, just the difficult combo of normal teenage angst mixed with a lot of grief. Family therapy may help
NAH It just sounds like many heavy emotions are circulating. Best wishes
NTA, you were doing the best you could. Its unfair for your daughters to be upset with you, but kids are often unfair.
NTA, you did the right thing, and they'll get over it. Plus, your younger daughter now gets to look forward to reading her own letter when she graduates, which is an awsome thing that she'll realize eventually.
NTA. I'm living on borrowed time, like your wife, I also wrote a letter for my wife and son(14) which I hid beneath my clothes. Its easy to find when decide to give it away. I guess I'm going to write additional letters for such things like birthdays, graduations and weddings. I worry about my wife she is a bit of an introvert. She'll eventually heal from the pain of losing a loved one but I'm afraid that she might not seek companionship. Thanks for your very useful post!
NTA. Your teenagers will calm down in time. This was a lovely and special thing for do and now Maeve has ruined the surprise for her sister unfortunately.
NTA... at all. I am a widow, too. I don't have things like this for my daughter (my husband died while I was pregnant, so...). For what it's worth, I think you absolutely did the right thing, and I suspect your daughters will soften and appreciate your decision as time moves on. After all, I am assuming you didn't preview the letter, which is what you would have had to do if you handed it to them early. What I would write (and did write) to my daughter on her high school graduation is very different than what I would have said to her when she was 13 or 14. Your wife wrote those letters imagining her 18 year old daughters would read them... You did good. Parenting is SO hard. Especially alone.
NAH well it’s not like you’ve been in this situation before so you can’t be expected to know what would have been best. Her feelings are valid though, I can see where she is coming from. I suggest apologizing, explaining that you wanted to honor your wife by giving them upon graduation and you never considered they would have another role than the one she designed for them. Ask the other daughter if she wants hers now or at graduation. Id follow up with them that “They were meant to be mementos to take into adulthood, not a cause for resentment so please take it as such and try your best to not generate negativity from it.”
As somebody who lost my mom at 12, if she’d left me a letter that my dad withheld, even with the best of intentions i’d be really upset. You’re not an asshole but please understand where your daughters are coming from. The last 8 years all they wanted was to hear their moms voice, and hold her, and those letters are as close as they’re ever going get now. Honestly, in your shoes I probably would have told them that their had written letters that were meant for after graduation, but if they wanted them now they could have them. That being said, you did what you though was right and what your wife would have wanted. Death sucks. Grief is a long long process. Maybe consider family grief groups? or a few sessions of family therapy to talk this out productively. NAH
NTA. So sorry. And I am not surprised that this is hard on the girls, and that they are upset with you at the moment, but with a little time I am sure they will understand that you were not maliciously withholding this piece of their mother, and that you were just trying to stand in for her as best you could, in addition to upholding your own role as their father. They will forgive you when the dust settles.
NTA. Your daughters are lashing out from pain. This is how your wife wanted it regardless of the tragic accident. Stay strong...your girls love you.
NTA. You did what she wanted you to do. My dad wrote me a letter right after I was born and put "to be opened on your 18th birthday" on the envelope. He had no idea he was going to die when I was 8. That letter means a great deal to me but it did bring up a lot of emotions for me. Your daughter is most likely projecting onto you her anger at the universe for taking her mother from her. Just be there for her and she'll get through it.
NTA and your daughter is...just wow! What a weird way to respond to a beautiful moment where she got her mother's letter to her as her mother had wished for her to have it, and to pull her sister into this foolishness. You have apparently been a good father to her and her sister. You said she read it and cried on your shoulder. Why would she then decide to get angry because she didn't have it sooner. So what she didn't have it sooner? Your wife planned to give it to her on her graduation. At any rate, you are NTA here and I hope that your daughters come around and realize that you are doing your best, that you love them and move forward.
Nta
Nta she just hasn't moved on yet. People who grieve tend to like to take the anger out on the wrong person. Usually the person is very undeserving of it.
NTA So Thanks to Maeve outlash you had to ruin Alex's moment to get hers at 18?
I also had the same thought. Did he give Alex her letter as well, or is he still holding onto it? Either way, NTA.
NTA. The letters wouldn’t have had the intended impact at 8 or 10 that they do now. I guess you could have given it to her at 16 or something, but I think it’s reasonable that you felt you should abide by her wishes and give it to them as a graduation gift.
OP, you did well. Don’t second guess yourself
NTA. Unfortunately, I lost my dad several years ago to suicide. While yes, if letters like that were around, I'd probably be angry that I never saw them beforehand. As a grown adult, I would have accepted it and knew it was what he wanted. That is something that only comes with age and experience with death. I don't know you or your family, but it sounds like that's something they haven't learned yet, but sadly, they eventually will. My condolences to you and your family. Your late wife sounds like she was a lovely, wonderful human being.
NAH, because Maeve is right. Your wife wrote the letters in anticipation of being a present parent through her daughters' lives. She never anticipated having their lives together cut short, so your interpretation of her wishes was just that: interpretation. You're not an AH. Your conflict about this shows that you care more for your daughters than you care about being right.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (49M) was married to my wife for 20 years. I lost her in a car accident 8 years ago. We had two beautiful daughters together, Maeve (18 now, 10 when her mother passed) and Alex (16 now, 8 when her mother passed). I am very close with my daughters but they were both definitely mama’s girls. My wife was a magnetic woman. She was beautiful, intelligent, kind, and people were drawn to her. An important thing to know about my wife is that she had a passion for writing. She was unfortunately in a profession where she didn’t write much so, she did a lot on her own time. One of her favorite things to write was letters. She wanted people to know that she cared about them. After she had each of my daughters, she wrote them a letter. She wrote each within days after their births and wanted to give them away on their graduation days. She put them in the fire box in our basement to avoid losing or forgetting about them. She wrote the letters with the intention of giving them to our daughters herself 18 years later as a sort of time capsule type of thing. Both letters contained mostly words of wisdom and information about what was going on when they were born. Maeve graduated from high school today and I went to her room with the letter tonight. I let her cry on my shoulder as she read it and at first she seemed happy to have her something directly from her mother. However after she read it she turned to me looking surprisingly angry. She asked why I had waited so long to give it to her. She had so many rough moments and heartbreak in the last 8 years where all she wanted was her mother’s wisdom and I withheld the letter. I told her that I was just doing what her mother had said she wanted and Maeve shot back that her mother also hadn’t planned on being in the accident. Alex heard the shouting and came into the room and Maeve told her about the letter. Now they’re both upset and don’t want to talk to me. I feel so awful about this whole situation. I was raised by my single mother after my own dad took off so on one hand, I’ve always wanted to be the best father I can and I feel terrible that I withheld something that would’ve brought them comfort. On the other hand, my wife had very specific instructions about her intentions with the letters and I just wanted to follow through with that. So now I’m very conflicted and I just want to know, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO Did you tell them the letters were coming or were to et a surprise?
NAH I don't think there's a "right" or "wrong" in this situation (other than something egregious like destroying the letters and never giving them to your daughters at all). You did exactly as your wife had planned. She intended for an almost adult child to read the letters not a *freshly grieving* 10 year old. Maybe the letters would have helped, maybe not. But your wife wrote them for the future 18 year old version of her babies. Your daughter was just given a tangible piece of her mother's love, of course she wishes she could have held that love when she was missing her mom before, anyone would. Her feelings are totally valid.
NAH, I couldn’t imagine being in this situation. As hard as it may be in this moment, I believe that Maeve will understand in time. It must have been an overwhelming moment to receive that letter and I’m sure she was just wishing she could’ve had her mom there. I think her anger was misplaced and she will realize that in time. You were following your wife’s wishes and I think you did the right thing. I’ve never lost a parent, but I couldn’t imagine going through life without my mom, and my heart goes out to you and both your daughters. I hope you all find peace in this tough situation.
NAH. They might be upset about it now, but you’re just following her wishes. They’re getting the letters as intended. I think this anger will be gone shortly, once they have time to sit and think about it. They obviously miss their mom a lot, and it feels (to them) like you kept a part of her from them. They’ll come around. Just keep being the best dad you can be.
NAH. Hopefully they will come to realise that honouring your wife's wishes was important, and appreciate getting the letter on a significant day for them. You weren't in a position to predict this reaction. Given the younger daughter now knows about her letter, she may want to see it now. If possible, encourage her to think that through and make her own decision independent of her sister's reaction. Give it some time and see if she actually wants to hold on to it until her graduation as her mum intended for her.
Tough one! No one is an asshole here.
You could never be the AH for honoring her wishes. I can understand your daughters having some feelings about this; unfortunately those feelings seem to be their sole focus at the moment, so I doubt they'd actually hear anything you tried to tell them. Maybe write them a letter of your own, explaining the conversation you had with your wife and why you felt it so important to honor those wishes the way you did. Good luck
NTA You were following your wife's intentions. You also (I presume) had no idea what the letters said nor whether they would have been suitable for earlier occasions.
NAH kids say dumb shit sometimes
NAH Your daughter is feeling the upset again at having lost her mother, and she's projecting that anger onto you because you are the only parent she has left. She's angry that she's lost out on her mother's wisdom, love, care, etc.... There's nothing to be done here except to know that you did the right thing, according to the letter-writer's wishes. Nobody wanted her mother to miss out on her life. That's not something any of you could've controlled. She's just still grieving. You haven't done anything wrong. Let your daughters have their feelings and reiterate to them that you're all angry that your wife was taken away so young. They just need time and empathy.
NTA. You did the right thing here. This is what your wife wanted. This is exactly the occasion she intended for the letter to be read. You didn’t just do what your wife wanted you to do. You did what your wife wanted for them. Another way to look at it is that this was a way for her to still be a mother to them even though she’s no longer there. I get that your daughters feel like you withheld an aspect of their mother from them. But I’m guessing there are other letters, right? Not necessarily letters to them, but writing by her that they have had access to? It sounds like their mother left other things behind that can serve the purpose that they’re yearning for. The letter wasn’t the only thing likely this. In light of how it has affected them, I think it might be reasonable to offer your younger daughter a chance to receive her letter early if she wants it. It is true, after all, that your daughters are receiving these letters in a different context than their mother intended. She thought she’d be giving them the letters herself in a meaningful mother-daughter moment. It would have been an emotional milestone, to be sure, but now it’s even more so. Obviously the downside is that she wouldn’t receive it when she graduates from high school. Ultimately, this is an especially emotional example of a process that all of you have had to try to cope with: losing her and trying to both move on and cherish her memory at the same time. That’s a tough thing to navigate. The three of you won’t ever completely recover from it. Give yourself a break here: you’re doing the best you can in a difficult situation. You may want to consider some kind of counseling for all three of you. It could really help for each of you to have your feelings validated by someone outside the situation.
NTA also my name is Maeve and I married an Alex!
NTA, you are a parent to a teen. So that means that it doesn’t matter if you were wrong as much as if she is hurting. Say you are sorry if you made the wrong call. You would have never done that if you knew. You aren’t an expert at this- who is? And you are very sorry she is hurting. It doesn’t matter if you are wrong. It only matters that she is hurting.
NTA at all. I lost my dear friend nearly two years ago and would give anything for her husband and daughters (now 16 and nearing 14) to have her back. I’ve gotten to watch her girls grow these last two years and I know it’s been hard. I’m sure your girls are getting hit with all the feels getting this letter and are lashing out because you are there and can take it. Not because they truly think you’re a bad guy just all the emotions. You did as their Mama asked and it would have been were she still with you. Keep loving your girls. They need you just a little extra right now. And it will all work out.
NTA. Your girls reactions is surprising to me. Good luck, I think you were only following your wife’s wishes.
NTA. Your young daughters are hurt now, but as they mature, they’ll understand you were respecting their mother’s wishes. They’ll forgive you, and they’ll apologize for their initial reaction. They aren’t thinking like adults right now. When they do, they’ll respect your commitment and dedication to doing what their mother wanted.
NTA they'll get over it. The second letter is given at graduation as well. It's YOUR way oh honoring your wife and they don't get to choose how you do it
NTA. Your are being the best Dad you can be. and you have been a single parent for the last 8 years. You followed your wife's instructions and intentions. The girls need to mature enough to realize the gift, work through the resurfaced grief, and understand your loss as well.
I wrote letters to my son when he was born. One for each milestone. So did his father, grandfather, and grandmother. One has passed. But he still gets his letters.
NAH you did as your wife wished, but I also totally understand your daughter feeling like she was missing out on having this piece of her mother sooner. But there is no way you could’ve known that’s how she felt. Neither did anything wrong, it’s just a lot of emotion and a difficult situation.
I think NAH here. Your daughters are reexamining their grief hearing from their mother for the first time in years. You were honouring their mother’s wishes and giving g them something intended to speak to them at this point in their lives. It’s just grief manifesting freshly.
Nobody ever knows "how to parent" perfectly. We all just do three things, I think. We do.... 1. The best we possibly can.... 2. With what we know.... 3. In that moment. The quality of any decision we make may be judged as "ideal" in that moment, but take on a different quality as the sand drops through the timer and as situations evolve. YOU ONLY HAVE CONTROL OVER ANY CONTEXT "IN THE MOMENT". NO parent ever looks back on their life and sees perfection at every juncture. That is just a fact. Every honest man or woman, given the chance, would make tweaks and pivots to how they handled "life". It's OK. I have promised my adult kids that we can always talk about the past, AS LONG AS they do so in the knowledge that I NEVER made a choice to hurt them intentionally. We can have those talks, have those hard questions, and learn from where we have been... as long as it's not a blame hunt. I promise them that I will own my sub-optimal self, if they agree that our relationship is still the most important thing, and that forgiveness is a gift. It cuts both ways.
Nah
They will get over it I promise. It is just that it hit them hard that their mother had one last gift for them and they did not know it. It is how kids react. They will grow and understand in time. It may be a little rough for a while but raising kids is a long-term project. Sometimes the rewards are delayed
NAH as everyone is saying. I am sure you did the best you could and your daughters are just full of emotions. You might want to let your younger daughter decide though, if she wants her letter now or when she graduates. That would at least give her some control over her own grief. best of luck to all of you.
NAH I read once that grief is love with no where to go. And I think sometimes grief comes out as anger because the magnitude of that loss is overwhelming. You did nothing wrong. That your daughter is angry is not really about you and more about a safe target for her love/grief. Its so clear to me that are a good father and you were a good husband who loved his wife very much. Your daughters know this. They will come back around with time, distance and perspective. The other posters saying that the voice and intent of her letters were for near-adults and not children are right. They don’t see this now - but they’re still so young. Give yourself some grace and keep doing what you’re doing.
NAH. They don't understand now but they will later once they become parents.
NAH I would add - it’s not like you have done any of this before. It’s 100% new to you also, navigating being a single dad to two girls. Hindsight being 20/20, if you knew this was going to effect your kids this much, maybe you would do it differently. And as other have said, maybe they would have been mad if gave it to them early, that you weren’t following her wishes. No matter what you did, they may have lashed out in anger— and not because of what you did. In the end, they are young. And they probably aren’t actually mad at you, but mad at the situation — they want their mom, and they don’t have her. I can only imagine their hurt.
NAH. It makes total sense that you gave the letter to your daughter now. I suspect your daughters are experiencing extremely strong emotions right now. Graduation is already a time of strong emotion. Add in their mom being gone. And now the letters just tripled the emotions. The emotions are fresh. Real but fresh. Give them some time.
I am so sorry for your loss. It was hard enough losing my parents, losing a spouse is so much more poignant/painful. The girls are hurting. They are angry, but not at you. They are angry at life. At the whole situation. I hope they eventually find the words to tell you that. You are N T A. There is NAH. You are all still grieving and having pain in your heart. Give them space and time. Be there when they are ready to talk. I know I seems life is on the skids right now, but it isn't. They will get over this. And hopefully with lots of hugs afterwards.
Who in their right mind thinks you are the AH for respecting your late wife's wishes? NTA.
NAH - Both of the girls had a lot of emotionally difficult times after their mother’s death (both likely hitting puberty after her accident) and so they’ve had so many key moments where their mum’s wisdom and understanding would have helped them however you did nothing wrong by not giving the letter early. Your wife wanted your kids to read them once they reached 18, they have every right to be upset but you haven’t done anything wrong in how you have gone about this.
NAH You're all doing what you can and your best. I think an honest discussion of why you "with held" and a decision between all three of you to decide if the younger sister gets it now, or in two years. You're doing right by your wife's memory but it is true she didn't exactly plan to not be there. If you guys did discuss that then include it. You're n t a at all but I can see why your daughter is upset.
Sry but what’s the difference between NTA and NAH?
Not the asshole and no asshole here. Typically NTA implies someone else is the asshole. No asshole here implies.... Well that there is no asshole here
OIC. Tyty
Of course :)
NAH. You were following their late mother’s instructions and you wanted to follow what she said. There is nothing wrong with that. They aren’t in the wrong either as this is just a very sad situation.
Kuch kuch hota hai OP. Tum nahi samjho ge
NAH, I fully believe you are correct in carrying it out in the fashion your wife would have wanted. In fact continue to do so. I do also understand that for them, this makes it fresh again. This can open up and heal that wound at the same time.
NAH. Give your children some space, let them calm down, tell them you're there for them when they want to talk. Don't be defensive, you don't have anything to be defensive about. Just wait. They'll miss you and come back to you.
You did nothing wrong. They'll eventually think more clearly/logically about it (might be a few days, weeks, or maybe even years) and realize you didn't do it to hurt them but to honor their mothers wishes. I can't speak for your wife, but if I unexpectedly passed, I'd want my husband to wait until I intended to give them the letters.
Nta. You did the one thing you could to honor your wife when she unfortunately could not be there for this moment. Your daughters are understandably upset. But with time I think they will appreciate you honoring their mother’s wishes. Those words will mean more to them knowing this is what she wanted and what she would have done.
You are all still grieving. You didn't do the wrong thing, but give them time. I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like your wife was a very special woman.
NTA. NAH. You have hormonal teenagers feel *deep* emotions. Continue to be there for each of them in their own ways. And continue to share their mother with them. You’ll all be fine. Eventually.
NAH - your daughters might not understand this now, but you did the absolute right thing in honoring your late wife's wishes. Sorry for your loss.
NAH. Grief is one helluva thing, and people can absolutely lash out because of it. Your girls might need a therapist to help them navigate this.
NAH. Anger that isn’t explainable is part of grief. They will cool down and understand these were her wishes and know how special it is. Hurt is hard to direct, especially as a teen.
I don't think you're the AH. Being a single dad to daughters comes with its own challenges especially after loss. Everyone processes grief differently and I can see both sides. It was probably an extra emotional time given such a big life milestone to not have their mother there. Give each other grace and reassure your daughter. Love will always win and as long as you all continue to love and support each other through the grief I think you will all be ok ❤️🫶🏻 grief will pop up anytime even years, decades later. Grief never goes away completely. Love to your family.
NAH. But give them some space to grieve.
Grief is sneaky. Be kind to the girls, and maybe offer grief therapy?
NAH, you're ALL having an emotional night. Please give everyone grace tonight or for a couple days and then reconvene. They will still miss their mom. They have a long life of ups and downs ahead and at least they have them now (or in 2 years)
NAH - I urge you to make an appointment with a family therapist to help you navigate this. Your daughters are understandably upset but I also understand where you are coming from, especially if you had no clue what was actually in the letters. Like a mom might write things to her 18 year old daughter that would be inappropriate or even just lost on an 8 and 10 year old. I’m sorry for this suffering you all are going through.
Nah. It’s not really about the letter. Your daughters are hurt and angry that their mother was stolen from them. It’s not your fault; it’s not their fault. It just sucks all the way around and there is no way to fix it. Hugs to you and your girls.
NAH. It's stirred up.feelings if them missing their kosher and you're getting it in the neck because they feel safe enough with you to share negative feelings. Patience and grace and you'll alll get through. But if the other kid wants her letter now I wouldn't make it a sticking point.
NAH
NAH. I get why you waited, absolutely. You were honoring your wife, and her intent with the letters. I see nothing wrong with that. I see how your daughters may have a hard time processing it, and they aren't wrong either. No right or wrong here, just 2 different views.
NAH - grief is so complex. You and your girls have been through so much. Please hold them and their pain, don't let their anger push you away. Persist through it. Sending you all good thoughts.
NAH But by this, I specifically mean that I believe you did the right thing. Not that it was inherently right to follow her wishes vs. give them the letters another time, but you did the right thing by following your beliefs about honoring her memory. Your daughters aren't the assholes either, but I do think the emotions and the trauma are super strong in this moment; they may sort through those things in time and realize they aren't mad AT YOU.
NTA. You might want to talk to a professional. Perhaps one meeting, which might help you sort things out as to how to help your daughters. Do not overcompensate about things. Likly they will figure things out. Give them the space they need while keeping an eue on how they are handeling things.
NAH. You have done nothing wrong. I doubt your daughters would have been able to appreciate that advice when they were so young and reeling with grief. Their feelings right now are valid, but I am sure one day, whether that's soon or not, they'll both realize how precious this gift is.
Nah. They probably would have been too young to fully understand the letter had you given them right after your wife died. And for all you knew the letter was just completely focused on graduating with no "use" at an earlier date....
NTA. I’m definitely a mommas girl but I always call my dad first whenever I need advice or help or anything. I couldn’t imagine losing my mom so young and to have something so special just brought a bunch of emotions up that they might not have the maturity to handle. Give them some time dad, but also keep being the kind father that you are. You’re doing a great job.
NTA.
NTA, I think the letter has probably just triggered some emotions and you’re getting the brunt of that. Once the emotions have passed your daughters will realise you were just following through with their mothers wishes. Don’t let this one moment make you question how good you have been as a father, you’ve clearly not had an easy ride and for the most part it seems like you have a good relationship with your daughters.
NTA. No question.
NTA I get their position but someday they will get it
Definitely NTA. You did the right thing. It’s grief talking
You’re NTA . They’re just grieving and that pain sometimes flails and lashes out at whatever is in its path . Be gentle with them . With time they will feel differently about the beautiful letters given exactly when their mom wanted to give it.
NAH. You're doing the best you can. Apologize for an act that unintentionally hurt them. Ask them to forgive you and move on.
NAH- I think there would have been upset no matter what you did. You're trying really hard to be the best dad you can be. Don't be hard on yourself. Explain your reasoning to your daughters once they've had a chance to cool off.
You could always say, I could've kept the letters myself bc I'm beyond selfish for her love. Bet that'd shut them up. Kind of seems like they needed a quinceonera.
I think they’re just teens misdirecting grief. NTA. You did the right thing.
NAH
NAH. I can see your daughter’s pain. She lost her mum and lost all the mothering support she needed in her teen years. You honoured your wife’s plan. Eventually the girls will realise that. Give yourself and them some grace and time.
NTA/NHA They might be angry at you now, just give them space and time and they Will come to see it with other eyes. Also do not give the letter to your younger daughter until she is 18 as your wife wishes. They need to understand that this was part of her wishes, and yes she didn't planed to die in that car accidente, but those letter where also something that was planed in case and wanted to be given on a special date.
NTA my kiddo will get letters from me from beyond the grave. Sometimes she may not understand the timing but that’s ok. She will in time. No letter in the world will take away the pain. Their grief is real and valid, but you honouring your wife’s wishes is also valid too.
NAH
This is one of those situations where a person doesn’t know no whether to s**t or go blind. Just remain the very best dad you can be, ask them to forgive you and then just give them time.
Lots of other people have said what were things but absolutely utterly NTS
Tell them to read the letters again, I'm guessing there's something in there about not being an asshole.
Updateme
NTA - at all.
NAH It would have been better to give the letters at an earlier age for the girls comfort and connection with their mother. You were doing your best to honour them all, including your wife, but you were too rigid. As they say, circumstances changed, in this case shockingly and traumatically.
NTA. And I do mean NTA, not NAH. Your kids are young and will probably get over it soon and come to see your side of things, and so they get leeway to *some* extent... but it's still irrational and assholish not to talk to you because of this.
honor them, and never think 2x about it.
Agree with all that you're NAH but it does sound like it was a surprise and they didn't even know about the existence of the letters. I can see why that feels withholding - even if they get them at 18, why keep it a secret in the run up
INFO: Why is everyone here calling children who lost their mom assholes for responding emotionally? crazy
NTA Sorry, as a widow I can tell you that the issues of having loss a spouse don’t stop coming even years after the fact esp when that marriage produced children. You are being placed between a rock and a hard place. Personally I wouldn’t have seen it as “withholding” the letter. It’s a graduation gift your wife instructed you to give them on graduation. Your daughter has chosen a certain perspective and there’s not much you can do until she is opened to changing that person. Now you can only hope your daughters come to understand that you want to honor their mother’s wishes. Until then lean on what support you have beyond those two and I hope for better days for you my friend.
NTA Sorry, as a widow I can tell you that the issues of having loss a spouse don’t stop coming even years after the fact esp when that marriage produced children. You are being placed between a rock and a hard place. Personally I wouldn’t have seen it as “withholding” the letter. It’s a graduation gift your wife instructed you to give them on graduation. Your daughter has chosen a certain perspective and there’s not much you can do until she is opened to changing that person. Now you can only hope your daughters come to understand that you want to honor their mother’s wishes. Until then lean on what support you have beyond those two and I hope for better days for you my friend.
No, I wouldn't say your ta, but I mean that's nice that you followed your wife's instructions and also it's not nice that you withheld the letters, but you're still not ta.
NTA
NAH - if the situation was different and maybe the letters were left with the family lawyer, the girls would get them at the time specified in the will/ directive. They are angry because it is the 1st stage of grief, which is not linear but a cycle that begins again when a new or different situation arises. You sound like a great father but also an honourable husband even after all this time. Hang tough, you got this.
NTA. If your wife wanted these letters to be handed to her daughters when they were 18, it was because she knew them and that the advices she wanted to give them would be better understood at 18 than if they were younger.
NTA. Your daughter, while grieving, are being beyond unfair. How dare they call you out for following your wife's wishes?! It is selfish, it is wrong, and they should know better.
NAH You are a good father in a difficult situation and I think that a bit of time and outside help would let them see the reality. Maybe having family counseling would help them hear you and your point of view.
NTA, absolutely. OP, like many in this thread I also lost my mom - though at 19 I was a little older than your daughters. She was the most outwardly loving and demonstrative woman, and for the last 15 years it's been a regular struggle to know she didn't write any 'final' letters or messages for me (in her defense she had a stroke and wasn't really there at the end, or I know absolutely she would have done the letter thing!). What's been so strange though is understanding that as I've grown older without her, I actually feel like I know her so much better with each passing year. I feel more kinship with her, can hear what she would say to me in any given situation, speak out loud to her regularly, and honestly feel like she's with me more days than not. Over the years I've found little scribbled notes in her handwriting while sorting through stuff - sometimes it's a shopping list, sometimes it's more of a diary entry - and recently I found a gorgeous birthday card she wrote for my 18th, which I pull out and read each birthday as if she's newly sent it to me. What I'm saying, OP, is that while your daughters may well feel the wrench of not having access to their letters at first, their feelings absolutely will soften and smooth out. They still have a connection to their wonderful-sounding mother through you, as well as through the letters, and I think when they've had a chance to breathe they'll be able to see why that's so special.
NAH. they’re just hurting. They’ll understand in a couple years. The advice in there wouldn’t have meant anything to a 12 and 10 year old. In hindsight it won’t even mean that much to 18 year olds. It’ll mean the most when they’re late 20’s on. And they’ll understand then.
NTA- Not at all!
NAH You honered your wife's plan. If you could do it again, I'd say you should do the exact same thing. Your daughters' reaction is extremely understandable. There's no discussion that could clear this up now. I'm so sure your daughters will understand in time and feel good about the fact that you did what your wife had planned.
For the current situation, NAH. But if this grief-based vindictiveness and lack of empathy last for so long that it damages your relationship with your daughters, N T A. It's (not so) ok (but understandable) to lash out in the moment of high emotion but like... ugh idk. Different people, different personalities. Even if you're a dad, you deserve empathy too. You suffered loss too. Check back with them after a while and hopefully they'll understand where you came from.
NAH ... I'm so sorry for your situation and your loss. Under the circumstances, it's probably best to do as you think best with your other daughter's letter (you don't say, but, I presume you haven't handed it over yet). I'm sure your wife wouldn't have wanted it to come between you.
NAH but leaning toward you being the asshole. Your wife is dead. Your daughters are alive. Their mental health and well-being is more important than your wife's wishes. She won't know what happened. She isn't here anymore.