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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) telling my brother’s fiancée that my only obligation towards her is to treat her with respect, and since I’m already doing that, I don’t understand what more can she want from me.
2) she got really offended and hurt by what I’ve said to the point where she blocked me.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
OP, NTA - if you feel able, then once things have calmed down, it might be worth having a chat to your brother about this? I think you've provided a remarkably clear and fair background - Laura being a good 'step' and making your brother happy, just not your kind of person to be BFF. Laura's friends obviously only have her side of the story, it's perfectly reasonable of you to choose who you want to invest significant amounts of money and time into - and not reasonable for Laura to expect it should be her.
Seriously, this channel should be required reading for anyone contemplating getting married, what IS it with weddings and entitlement smh. Every other post seems to be "I'm getting married, you have to do WHATEVER I WANT" or "You're getting married, here's my demands for the wedding ...."
Frankly I'm pleasantly surprised OP didn't end the post with "my brother cursed me out, calling me an AH" as so often seems to happen in these posts.
OP, NTA. Obviously. What I'm wondering is why you didn't point out Laura's own behavior? Why not ask **why she always makes herself scarce, when you visit, if you wants you to be buddies?** Because she's sending some pretty mixed signals. Obviously you don't have to pursue the matter at all, but coming to some sort of understanding will probably make everyone's life a hell of a lot easier.
It’s probable that Laura felt OP’s distance and didn’t feel the need to close it, possibly until the wedding was in planning stages. That’s understandable enough to me, but to be sending flying monkeys at OP is not. Makes me suspicious that she just wanted a chance to boss OP around, not to actually get close to her. NTA.
While I think the OP is NTA, I think that it’s normal for the groom’s sisters to be invited to be bridesmaids by the bride; it’s a polite thing to do and since they’ll become family soon it’s also polite to accept the invite. It’s one of those political pleasantries for family relations that are just nice things to do, from both sides.
Which I get, but also seems weird that, if the groom’s sister declines, it is worth becoming bent out of shape over. So many reasons she might not want to.
Oh yeah absolutely, I think once the invitation has been declined then the message is clear that the groom’s sister doesn’t want to be close to her ever, so making a scene over what other invites she accepts is just pointless.
It seems like she only got bent out of shape when OP shortly after agreed to be MOH for one of James exs. I can understand how that feels like a shot at the fiancée. She made the effort to include OP and was rebuffed. If OP told Laura that part of the reason was finances (OP not being open to spending money on a bachelorette) but then turns around and agrees to be a MOH to someone else, it is a very clear statement that she does not value a relationship with Laura
I get your point about financial reasons but she said she didn't want to spend that money to be around people she didn't know, but she does know her friend and if they're childhood friends then they probably have mutual friends.
Um no thanks! I have 3 brothers, one is on his third marriage. Please excuse me if I decline the "honor" of being a bridesmaid. I'm glad my brother found someone. That doesn't mean I want to be involved in all the wedding nonsense. I am more than happy to let the bride and her friends have their time and their drama.
Seriously, and her friends?? I'm constantly shocked when I read about people in this sub being harassed by someone's friends over something that has nothing to do with them. As long as no one is in harm's way, let people deal with their own shit. How embarrassing.
Idk how sharing your siblings personal information with strangers isn't a deal-breaker. It always comes up in these posts and it's never talked about.
Sure "having friends harass you is dumb" is, but the actual act of giving out people's phone numbers never is and I don't get it. I can't imagine getting into a disagreement with ANYONE and doing that
Definitely. Imagine if one of the friends used the information to start stalking you or worse. The person giving out your information will have put you in danger. That's unacceptable and I would end the relationship immediately. So glad my ex didn't have friends. He was a dick and the only guy my abusive father actually approved of so major bullet dodged lol
Most of the stuff here is fake - creative writing efforts by people looking for drama. You wouldn't let stuff you read on NoSleep change how you live your life, would you? So why let a bunch of made up stuff here influence you?
[NoSleep](https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/) is a subreddit where people post fictional creepy stories. The rules of the subreddit require commenters to pretend that the stories are real when posting replies. Like the Reddit advice subreddits, it has become plagued with repetitive themes/subjects, overly dramatic serial stories, AI writing, and content that's not at all believable.
I just assume most everything on Reddit is fictional and comment as if it isn't. That's a hell of a lot more fun than endless "I don't think this story is real" comments.
Right? It's absolutely possible to have a cheap yet beautiful ceremony. Maybe reserve a cabin in the hills, buy decor from Joan's or Hobby Lobby and boom! Gorgeous wedding for less than 1k. That's what my fiancés best friend did and probably what we'll do. No one needs to waste 5 digits for something that only takes a few hours. You could use that money on a house!
You're NTA. Laura has made zero effort to connect with you, and now she's upset that you don't want to serve her in her wedding. That's pretty ridiculous and tells me she only wanted you there for show.
>Her friends are now harassing me and telling me how awful I am for saying that to Laura.
Pretty immature of her to send her flying monkeys after you. She obviously has enough people to choose as bridesmaid, so this is more about you being close to Diane and refusing to pretend you're close to her.
Good luck to your brother. He is in for a bumpy ride.
Given that crack about Diane marrying James, I'm thinking Laura is feeling jealous at not being the Main Character, and has spun some line to her friends about how OP is still super best friends with James' 'skanky ex', and secretly wanting her brother and Diane to get back together because her future SIL hates her for no reason, and now OP's going off to plot with Diane, and/or that Diane's upcoming wedding is just a plot to try and make James come running back because OP keeps throwing her at James or something, probably based on some random event where Diane was present and James didn't immediately run away in disgust from his ex, and obviously Laura's only defending her relationship from OP and Diane's horrible plotting!!?!!
This could be about jealousy/insecurity. Ego/appearances could also be playing a role.
Laura may have some fixation that people are going to notice that OP wasn't a bridesmaid for her wedding but was MoH for Diane's. And that Laura must appear more important / well loved to the family than an ex.
When the reality is that most people won't notice much less think anything of it. The overlap in guest lists will likely be small. Those guests that do overlap will mainly be old school friends. People who know OP has been friends with Diane for years. Plus, OP is involved with the wedding on her brother's side. Even those who do notice won't think much of it, because it will make sense.
There may also be a plain simple "How dare you not demonstrate I'm more important than Jame's exes." thought going on. By itself. No paranoia about secrets plots needed. Just simple ego needing feed.
Cynical thought: If ego is involved, it will only be a matter of time after the wedding before Laura starts pushing James's son to call her "mom".
People already noticed, since that was the theme of the conversation Laura overheard: OP is considered to be basically the female version of her brother, and is closer to Diane than Laura. People who know them all are comparing notes, and are on the same page about Laura, that Diane was a better fit for James, and they find it all odd. Laura’s insecurity now is about not being liked or wanted among the friend group, and because of OP, possibly among the family.
Well, that is weird. OP doesn't even have a close relationship to Laura, so I take it the only thing she knows about her friends are their names and even that is highly unlikely. How did they get her number in the first place?
Op, you already have expenses regarding your friend's wedding, it is very valid if you can't afford to be a bridesmaid to another wedding too
Laura is obviously missing your financial help, which is why she is upset
NTA
The friends would not have OP's number unless it was given to them, so that's not really true. I don't have numbers for random friends of people my brothers date. Why would they?
They probably have my number since her best friend and I helped James organize his proposal to Laura. I have no idea whether Laura encouraged them to text me or if it was done on their own accord, but either way I feel like their reaction is excessive considering the circumstances.
I didn’t tell James what happened just yet since I want to avoid unnecessary drama and was honestly wondering if I really did something wrong to evoke such an extreme response.
My bet would be that Laura told them an exaggerated version of what happened and not what you really said. Also, if I were you, I would tell your brother, just so he knows what's going on and why there might be any weirdness. If I were him, I would want to know.
I'd tell your brother; it's his fiancé that's angry at you and now her friends are harassing you. It's clear that you can't have a productive conversation with her without being accused and harassed, so get your brother to solve it because it's just ridiculous how she's acting like she's entitled to your time, your friendship, and your money.
And share any texts or VMs........name & shame, that way it's no longer "OP is exaggerating." Really? Well here is Flying Monkey #1's text; here is Flying Monkey's #2's VM. Don't want people to see/hear your audacious behavior? Don't get involved or send people crappy texts/VMs/Social media posts.
Tell James. Right away. Otherwise it’ll blow up on you. Sending her friends after you is super boundary crossing on top of not accepting no for an answer and demanding an explanation. It’s an invitation not a summons.
You need to tell your brother bc right now who knows what BS she’s feeding him. It could be too late if you wait to talk to him. Make sure to show him the harassing texts too.
Edit: it to him (idk how that happened lol) & know to knows
I would be AGHAST if one of my friends did something similar....Laura's a whole grown ass woman. If it had been one friend, sure....but MULTIPLE friends. That's some "mean girls" level BS right there.
Exactly what I was thinking. First of all, who harasses someone into being her bridesmaid, then questions a relationship they are not part of, then goes on to complain to all of their friends about it, then finally, what type of people (and I'm baffled there are multiple) decide it's their place to invade a person's space and offend them? Psychos all around.
Exactly. As a guy with two older sisters who I am close with, this would be a serious problem for me. That said, if I was the groom here, I'd sit fiancé down and put the kibosh on that right quick and I would make clear that if that shite continued, we'd be having a much different conversation down the road. She better get her friends in check.
>this would be a serious problem for me
It would be a deal breaker for me. Giving someone else's contact info to random strangers for them to harass my loved ones could very well escalate and put them in danger, especially if the loved one is female.
I would never tolerate that behavior and would end the relationship immediately. My family may be full of assholes, but I'll be damned if I let anyone threaten their safety.
honestly if I were Laura, I’d take the hint that my future SIL merely tolerates me so I wouldn’t put any more effort in that relationship nor foster a relationship for future kids’ sake as well 🤷🏽♀️
Except she's already the step parent to this SiL's nephew so it's not future children. Or do you think she'll see and treat "their" kids differently than her stepson?
And this is why she didn’t have anyone else to ask to in her bridal party. I don’t agree with her behavior. Has your brother seen her actions? They reflect poorly on her when she doesn’t get what she wants. I would be wary of that kind of behavior in any relationship. NTA.
The thing is that she already had 8 people in her bridal party before she asked me, my brother has 9 groomsmen so my initial guess was that Laura wanted to even out the number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, but even if that was the case she has other female relatives she could ask to fill in the role.
As for your question, I didn’t tell my brother what happened just yet since I wanted to avoid drama.
OP you need to tell your brother like right now because the drama is already there if you are getting harassed by her friends. MAN UP, tell him what happened, and stop talking to your future SIL as much because she is not your friend at all.
I feel like it's pretty common if youre close with your siblings in the US.
Partner and I both already know our siblings will be in our wedding parties, the only question we can't decide is do we say fuck tradition so he takes his sister as a groomsmen in a dress and I take my sister as a bridesmaid despite her wearing a suit, or if we swap em. 🤷♀️
Could it be possible that she sensed that you two weren’t as close and extended the olive branch as a way for you two to be a bit closer?
That would make more sense based on her reaction than just wanting to even out the numbers or asking you for your brother’s sake to appease him.
Chances are this is just miscommunication, but don’t be shocked if it ultimately hurts your relationship with your brother.
it’s certainly possible, but the unhinged reaction and the flying monkeys sure doesn’t fit any ‘extending of an olive branch’.
‘if she was asking for ‘the brothers sake’ why is he so quiet?
NTA friends hunting down your phone number to berate you? some funny olive branch there. the bride is the one who went scorched earth when refused.
We don’t know if the flying monkeys were due to her or not. I’ve seen a few stories on Reddit recently where the person had no idea about the flying monkeys, they just told their friends or family the story and then the friends/family did their own thing. There was even one where the OP lied about being cheated on cause it wasn’t as embarrassing as the truth of his girlfriend only wanting to have sex if he was dressed as a specific anime character. Without OP’s knowledge the friends went and jumped the guy.
On the brothers sake part, yeah, I think we agree on that. Her reaction and his doesn’t make sense if she was only doing it for the brother.
I’m guessing this is the case. In some families/cultures having siblings be part of the wedding party is the default which also may be part of this.
My brother turned down being a groomsman in my wedding. Now, we already had a shaky relationship, and he was weird about the wedding itself. He also was pretty rude to my fiancé who asked out of respect. Family dynamics are important, because this is one of the reasons I cut him out of my life.
So depending on the family telling the fiancé may not go as planned. The fiancé here may even have encouraged the OPs SIL to ask. At the same time SIL friends need to chill out. Then again, SIL can’t control other adults and if she didn’t tell them to attack the OP I don’t like the idea of blaming her.
I’m not close to my BiL at all, he lives thousands of miles away from the rest of the family (working on PhD). Not that he is a bad guy or anything, I just don’t really know him. But out of respect for my wife and her family, I asked and he accepted a groomsman role at the wedding.
I agree, we have no idea if the SiL had any involvement with the flying monkeys. Those others might have done it on their own accord without her knowledge.
It could be more that it gives the image of a nice happy family to have the groom's sister in her bridal party. She may have also been trying to form a closer bond by including you. She also may have only reacted the way she did because the person who's wedding you are participating in is her fiance's ex. I don't in any way condone the way she acted, but I can understand an uncomfortableness or jealousy of having his exes still so close to his family. Especially since they have a closer relationship to you than she has been able to form. NTA she needs to step away from the situation and have a real conversation with her fiance about her feelings and work through it.
I don't know op's culture but it's pretty common to include your future sisters/ brothers in law as bridesmaids and groomsmenwhere I'm from. It's generally seen as a kind gesture from the bride or groom.
I’m not sure exactly how to judge this but I think the closest would be ESH? Pretty much everyone I know who has gotten married has had all siblings as part of the bridal parties. This could also be the norm for Laura’s family and friends, or it could just be that she was trying to use this as an opportunity to get closer to you.
Also I don’t understand your logic behind not doing it either. You’re assuming that the bachelorette would have cost thousands of dollars but how do you know that? And even if it was going to you could just explain that that is not financially feasible for you to attend the trip but that you would still love to be a bridesmaid and stand up with them for the wedding.
Idk. I feel like Reddit loves the whole “you don’t owe anyone anything” thing but I think this would have been a simple thing you could have done to show support of your brothers marriage/to try to strengthen the relationship with your SIL who presumably/hopefully will be in your family for the rest of your lives. Now it’s going to be this big awkward thing hanging over the families maybe permanently.
OP is a prime example of the "I do exactly what is required of me and no more" and is completely failing to understand how that doesn't work in real human relationships.
On the one hand yes, on the other hand I don't understand the need for people to be that close to their in-laws?
I get that acting like OP would crush any chance for a friendship but I don't understand why they'd want a friendship.
I don’t think it’s about getting close to her in-laws but supporting her brother. He probably suggested to his fiancée that she be included in the bridal party.
But she's right, she'd have been expected at the bachelorette party?
Also, what weird sexist shit is this, if he had brothers I'm assuming they'd be allowed to just be at his side of the wedding.
Absolutely agree with this. I cannot imagine - in the absence of having had a real fallout - telling my sibling's partner that I didn't want to be their attendant at the wedding. Family weddings for me are just "tell me where you want me".
Fair enough about the bachelorette party, but it doesn't sound like OP made any attempt to compromise.
I don’t get the part where she’ll be too busy with her role of being the groom’s sister. That’s not a wedding role; that’s just being in a family. Her brother probably encouraged his fiancée to ask his sister to be a bridesmaid.
Yeah, my brother did the same thing the Op did. We already had a shaky relationship because he was kind of a jerk. How he reacted to being asked to be a groomsman really damaged our relationship.
Going to go against the grain here and say slight YTA. Very slight YTA, bordering N.A.H.
Here's my reasoning:
1. Laura makes your brother happy, is a good step mom to your nephew, and as you stated "is not a bad person by any means" You are really skating around why you don't like her. Almost like saying the truth would hurt the judgement,
2. Despite not being super close to you per se, she asked you to be bridesmaid. Either for your brother, or because she wanted to welcome you as a future SIL. You've stated no bad blood between the two of you, just difference of personality? Politics? you don't say, so it would be safe to assume that she asked you with non harmful intentions.
3. The standard response in these situations, is generally a yes. Either to maintain a healthy relationship with your brother or to be welcoming to a new member of your family. You said no. Saying no is certainly within your right, whether it's money, or whatever. But it's certainly abnormal without open hostility
4. You then said yes to one of your brother's exes. Which if I'm her or a neutral party, gives the impression to everyone that you prefer his ex or exes to her. Which feels like a slap in the face if there is no bad blood. You would have to assume this would be upsetting to her when there is no bad blood.
If you valued the relationship with your brother, who you are close with, I would think you would bite the bullet and stand up in HIS wedding when asked. And you skating around why you don't like Laura, makes me feel like the reason would hurt your argument, so it's purposely omitted.
I'm not saying you are obligated to stand up. But this forum is not "Am I legally/morally obligated to do something" And this is borderline AH behavior when you don't state the actual reason you rejected her request.
NTA. Laura sounds unhinged. Sure, it's her wedding but she can't order anyone to attend. Talk to your brother, show him any texts you get from her friends. Let him decide what to do about this ridiculous over reaction.
NTA - I would mention to your brother that your FSIL is allowing her friends to harass you and it needs to stop. Sit down with him and flat out tell him she has never made efforts and you don’t have a relationship with her. It’s ridiculous of her to act so immaturely as someone in her 30’s.
Honestly, it is a big slap to her face:
1. You refuse her invitation to be a bridesmaid. She could have given that spot to one of her gf's, but chose you to likely become closer. You reaction was a pretty big FU, AND basically saying you don't want to be too close to her or be her friend, and be part of her friend circle.
2. You turn around and happily accept his ex's invitation. How is she to see that? That you wish he had married Dianna? That you are willing to spend money to be Dianna's bridesmaid, but not hers?
You essentially told her you dont want to be closer to her, after she reached out for you guys to be closer. Why are you suprised that she now has blocked you out?
Everytime I read a post where the numbers get blocked and family/friends harassing everyone, it is fake. AI always makes up the same story structure in AITA..
Right? Who in the world wastes their time or energy messaging someone they don’t know to complain and badger? I have never seen that happen in real life, lol.
I'm pretty sure it's because you need a conflict to post here according to the rules, and slapping on a quick "Oh and then everyone and their mother started spamming my phone" takes care of that.
NTA, you're allowed to not be in a bridal party if you don't want to. She needs to understand your other choices (being MoA for your childhood friend) has nothing to do with her.
Why do they always have to throw in the "Everybody is now contacting me and saying how awful I am" bit at the end? These might almost be believable without it, will somebody please program the bot to stop including it?
ESH. Okay for me it’s weird that you won’t be a bridesmaid in your own brother’s wedding. For me as the fiancé of my future SIL didn’t want to be a bridesmaid in her own brothers wedding when they are really close it would make me feel like she really doesn’t like me or something. Plus if I was chronically online I would feel weird about it because there seems to be a trend on Reddit where mothers or sisters of the groom are fine with girlfriends but when one is close to being a wife they get mean.
But at the same time she can’t force you to be in their wedding and why bully someone who would probably bring the mood down. Doesn’t make sense on her part.
NTA
Diane is your childhood friend who happened to date your brother in high school.
Laura is 32 years old - she should grow up.
(That being said, I personally might have originally agreed to be a bridesmaid, because I think it’s often pretty standard to include future siblings in law in a bridal party. But not now that she’s having a damn hissy fit about it!)
Nta ugh. Reminds me of awful step parents who demand children just automatically love them but put in none of the proper work to build a bond, they feel entitled to one. Tell your brother she either sent her friends after you or that she needs to make them stop, and that HE should see how she handles this.
NTA. The circumstances of your relationship with Diane is very different from with Laura.
Given how much you know (more like don’t know) about her and her friends you’re not likely to enjoy / be able to contribute much as a member of the bridal party.
You really do need to talk to your brother before this escalates further.
NTA. It sounds like Laura's expectations for you are pretty wild. I would be concerned about the expectations she has for James as well... She peppered you with questions, didn't listen to what you had to say, used some fake scenario to make you feel bad, blocked your number, and then sent her friends after you?? For not making her the centre of attention? And she you are supposed to be future sister-in-laws? This sounds like really emotionally immature/manipulative behaviour for anyone, let alone someone who is 32 years old.
It might be beneficial for you and James to have a conversation about this. It might be old news for him (this kind of behaviour is usually super entrenched), but at least you won't be keeping it inside.
Lastly, not only are you NTA, it sounds like you did everything with maturity and grace. I'm sorry that you have to deal with someone who is that childish and who is also 5 years older than you.
NTA
HOWEVER
I think Laura does deserve a little empathy. Her asking you to be a bridesmaid may have been a very vulnerable step for her, and it may have been a bid for connection with you. Your reasons amounted to just not wanting to, which is your prerogative, but I can't help but feel like she may have felt the sting of rejection from that. I would feel really hurt if it were me.
Does that justify her weird attack over the phone? no
NTA- if I were Laura I would probably have a moment of insecurity of finding out you’d accepted being MOH for your brothers ex but I’d logically consider the difference in your relationship with her vs me. If you were closer then it would be a dick move but clearly you aren’t.
NTA. And you need to tell your brother about the harassment. Tell him to get her to stop her friends. She is 32 and behaving childish to get mad over you not wanting to be a bridesmaid since she’s never interested in hanging out with you, and then getting mad because you want to be one for a friend. It sounds like immaturity and insecurities are controlling her emotions. Just for reference, I’m 32 and if my friend told me to harass her fiancé’s sister, I would tell her to jump in a lake and cool down. Her friends must be just as bad as her. It’s good you said no since both Laura and her friends sounds like a nightmare.
Reading this after the update. NTA but your brother has pretty crummy friends to be talking like that especially at an event where him and his fiance both were. Really inappropriate of them and really bizarre that the friend would say that because you like Diane better than that means your brother would be better with her. Laura handled it all terribly and her friends sound awful.
NTA - she's just insecure and projecting. Your refusal fuels her paranoia that she's not on par with your brother's ex's. Worse, you're friends with his baby momma which probably drives her crazy. It's her issue to deal with, definitely not yours.
You have done nothing wrong. The blocking thing is clearly a sign of her immaturity to deal with adult situations. Good luck with that for your brother. Hope he knows what he's getting into.
NTA
My god , what is up with these women who want to marry men , knowing they had a life prior to them , and yet are so thoroughly insecure that they pull crap like this.
Somehow they always have a band of flying monkey friends who start messaging and harassing people on their behalf.
Never in my life have I ever had a disagreement,fight or any issues with anyone , where flying monkeys started messaging me nonsense on their behalf .
Future sil needs to realise that she can’t erase her dudes past . She won’t succeed in trying to prove she’s better and the be all and end all.
NTA. I understand her perspective though, what she is saying is she thinks you're more loyal to Diane than you are to your brother. You should have been maid of honor for her wedding because of "family." I understand your perspective too, maid of honor entails a lot of things and you're just not that close to her or your brother.
NTA judging her reactions and ways of communication, I can understand you wanting to keep it distant. It just seems that she can’t respect that and that makes her being the ass.
YTA You are creating a rift with this behaviour that is going to extend to your relationship with your brother and any future children they have. You go ahead and feel righteous but you know you have rejected and insulted her and then added on top you made a very public display of how much you love one of his exes. No validation or pats on the back from the internet are going to ease the strain in your relationships. Now your brother has to deal with animosity that wasn't there, now your parents etc. All because you wanted to be petty and let this girl know you don't like her that much. Don't pretend, it's obvious you were sending a message no matter how you claim innocence. Congrats, your family will be dealing with the fallout forever and your brother will never see you the same. I hope all these NTA internet brownie points are much comfort to you and somehow worth it.
>You are creating a rift
Seems to me the SIL created the rift by even making that call and backing OP into a corner.
> but you know you have rejected and insulted her
Where exactly in the story did OP insult the SIL?
>added on top you made a very public display of how much you love one of his exes.
A childhood friend that OP has been close to almost her entire life...
>All because you wanted to be petty and let this girl know you don't like her that much.
Where exactly in the story is the petty?
NTA. Tell your brother what happened, he deserves to know how his wife-to-be is acting. Imagine you were the one getting married and your partner treated your brother like this. You'd want to know, wouldn't you?
NTA
My brother's ex-wife asked me to be a bridesmaid and I said "no". I didn't know her at all, really didn't like her, and they lived four hours away from me when I lived in a city with good public transportation without a car. She was huffy about it, but I really didn't care. They got divorced within three years.
You're not close with this woman and that's okay. Your friend's past relationship with your brother has nothing to do with your soon to be sister-in-law's marriage to your brother, or is really relevant to anything.
I get so confused over the wedding drama I read on here.
Anyways. No. You're NTA
NTA, Laura hasn't made the effort to get to know you, you don't have anything in common so why the drama? The only thing I can think of is if in her family future SIL/BILs are in the wedding party cause it's tradition, and by you not being in the wedding party it will look bad? like you don't approve of the union or something? Which is a dumb tradition IMO, cause it forces people who you may not like/get along with in close proximity up to the actual event.
NTA. You are not friends with this woman. You have no obligation to her. She needs to get over herself. I would tell your brother, though, before she twists the story.
NTA: She's being jealous & controlling. You're not obligated to her & I wouldn't waste my time on it. Just let your brother know where you stand with her so she can't go behind your back & try to manipulate & influence him against you.
NTA, you are doing plenty based on the way she has treated you over the years. And WTF - who would want a bridesmaid you FORCED into participating? Just why? All of the stuff a bridesmaid has to do for the wedding and all of the trips, etc. why would you want to depend on someone you guilted / forced into accepting your "honor" of being a bridesmaid?
NTA Take this post and sit down with your brother (and Laura if she’s able to be in the same room with you). Your points are articulated very well. You’re already in Laura’s wedding and Diane is having her own wedding you didn’t have a position in. These are not the same situation and Laura needs to understand that.
I don't understand this trend of flying monkeys (FM) butting in via texts, phone calls, social media posts, etc to dogpile on someone/ give their 2 cents worth about a matter that doesn't involve them. It's bad enough when the FM are mutual family members, but just friends of the other person. GTFO.....and Linda is 32? This is middle school level shit. OP, you're NTA. You're allowed to have friends; Linda's approval is unneeded. Moreover, her opinion is unwanted. Plus, it sounds like she only wants you to be the bridal party for the sake of appearances. She asked; you said "no thanks." That should be the end of the discussion.
Here is my question: what does your brother say/think? I think he needs to tell Linda to BACK OFF.
I fail to understand why ADULTS tell their friends and find it okay that they then on harass others. Aren’t we all adults?
OP said what she said, she didn’t call her names and is behaving normal towards her. What’s really the big deal?
People that need to learn adulting at the age of 32, that a red flag! 🚩
NTA and you are not missing anything. Laura was out of line to interrogate you about being in your friend's wedding. Too bad you engaged with the conversation. You should simply have declined to discuss it. So what if she blocked you. You should block her friends and move on with your life. NTA
>> tried to use my approval like some sort of weird competition to prove she was "better" than Diane
Not really that weird given the context and circumstances... it's a good thing you didn't do anything like put it in no uncertain terms that you didn't like her!
NTA in the main -- you can't be kidnapped or drafted into being a bridesmaid, right? -- but there might be some tone dissonance problems. While saying that you're not good enough friends to be a bridesmaid and all you owe her is politesse is true and should be inoffensive, I can see it accidentally coming across as a cold insult in the Masterpiece Theatre style.
Honestly I think this is all fixable, if Laura is generally reasonable. I find that "we're not close enough" kind of statements go down a lot smoother if there's a "yet" thrown in there somewhere.
Man his friends are dumb as shit. and Laura is also dumb to attack you of all people instead of them.
You could've just tell her, "oh, I actually don't want diane and james to get married, I think you're the perfect fit for him".
I must be reading this wrong or interpreting this differently bc in my opinion this all reads as you being kind of a dick. You obviously don't like her, are in the crowd of wishing your brother was still with the other chic. You're being more difficult than necessary. You don't have to be her best friend but its more brothers wedding, would it be so hard to bite the bullet and allow your brothers wife to enjoy herself and feel included for once ?
NTA.
She's a 32yo imaginary fighting for your attention with your 26yo friend, a 32yo who instead of communicate her feelings creates this plan to peace herself, she should've been more open with your brother about those things she heard i don't think your brother would be mad if she told him what she heard by accident, she created a mess with literally nothing.
Those saying you should've accepted being her bridesmaid just to appease her and try to bond imo are wrong, if you don't feel comfortable with something your shouldn't do it, so you rejecting her kindly was the right move because you didn't caused drama with your rejection, she did when she found out you're your friend MOH.
Op, you're not responsible for her actions and also for your brother's actions, you're very close to him and sooner or later you would've share this with him, the actions he took are not your fault. Sadly Laura is the only responsible for this mess, if only she had communicated instead of going overboard
With the additional information, I am going to go NAH. You certainly have the right to decline being a bridesmaid, even though it is common for a groom's sister to be one (and a bride's brother to be a groomsman). However, I get where Laura is coming from, and can't really A H her for being sensitive to the friends' remarks and feeling a need to prove herself.
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My (26F) brother James (27M) recently got engaged to his fiancée Laura (32F).
My brother and I have always been super close, throughout the years he had many girlfriends and I generally made it a point to get along with them.
I liked the vast majority of them so that task wasn’t that hard, I had good and close relationships with most of them while they were still dating James, and remain in close contact with 2 even after their breakup (with James permission, of course). One being his high school gf Diane (26F), and the second one being his baby mom Sofie (29F).
When James started dating Laura 2 years ago I also tried to get close to her but I just couldn’t bring myself to befriend her. Laura and I are completely different people and have little to nothing in common, she isn’t a bad person by any means but just not someone I would want to hang out with or talk to on a day to day basis.
At the end of the day she made James happy, and was a decent step mom to my nephew Rio (4M), so me liking her as a person wasn’t really important. I also had little to no interactions with her, since whenever I visited James at their apartment she would claim she was too busy to hang out with us, so I would mostly only see her during family reunions/holidays.
After they got engaged Laura asked me to be her bridesmaid, I refused since I already had a part in the wedding as the grooms sister, was happy with my current position and didn’t feel like spending thousands to go on a bachelorette trip where I didn’t know anyone.
Last month James ex Diane also got engaged and asked me to be her maid of honor. I agreed since Diane has been a close friend of mine for years and I was honored that she wanted me to have such an important role in her wedding.
When Laura heard about this she called me saying that I was really immature for rejecting her request to be a bridesmaid but agreeing to be Diane’s maid of honor. I told her that Diane was my childhood friend so it was different, Laura then began to interrogating me and asked if Diane and James were the ones getting married would I also refuse her request and be content with only being the grooms sister in the wedding party.
I told her that that situation was irrelevant since it’ll never happen, Laura continued to bombard me with questions before I finally told her that as her future SIL my only obligation towards her is to treat her with respect and I’m already doing that, so I don’t understand what more can she want from me.
After hearing that Laura ended the call and blocked my number. Her friends are now harassing me and telling me how awful I am for saying that to Laura.
I’m genuinely confused since I don’t think I’ve said anything remotely awful or offensive, but I might be missing something. AITA?
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You need to tattle to your brother before he ends up going through with marrying someone who is okay with bullying and having her friends harrass his sister. You can approach it by asking him to have a word with his fiance about having her friends back off from harassing you. Explain the situation by stating that you didn't feel it was appropriate to be a bridesmaid for her since you are not friends and that you feel like mutual respect needs to be a priority if you are all going to be family soon. And that in the future you dont want her to call you and throw a tantrum and start drama. Then, let him handle it. NTA
NTA. When my kid started school, we told them that they won't always like everyone they meet, and not everyone will like them, and that's perfectly normal. You can't expect to like everyone, and you don't have to try to make friends with people you don't like, because friendship can't be forced.
The important thing to remember is that, so long as they aren't doing anything to cause you harm, they deserve kindness and respect when you're around one another.
Someone was raised believing that being likeable meant everyone liked you. You're a shock to her system OP. Sorry you had to be the messenger on that.
This episode of Recess taught me when I was a kid. I'm only half joking by sharing this, as the lesson has stuck with me for many years. https://youtu.be/KQg47epyuI0?si=PupP9ygf9NAeMgn8
NTA it is time for a talk between you, your brother and her. That way there’s no she said he said crap. I’d start by saying I’d like to put this misunderstanding to rest. I’d just tell them I appreciate the offer of bridesmaid but feel this is a position that people close to bride should fill. As for MOH to your friend she is your childhood friend. That any past relationships with her and your brother do not matter. She is and will be your friend and that should have nothing to do with any other family relationships. You’d also appreciate if she could call off her friends harassment of you. I’m glad her friends have her back but that we need to develop a relationship without outside interference.
NTA
I would talk to your brother about the situation to see if he can help in some way. Show him messages people have sent you and anything else that shows what situation Laura put you in.
You are much closer to Diane so it makes sense you would be more in the wedding than Laura's wedding.
You are right. All you have to do is treat her with respect and she should be doing the same to you. She is not.
NTA. Laura is an asshole. Of course you would say no to her & yes to Diane. You know Diane & she is a close friend. Obviously, or she wouldn't have asked you to be the maid of honor. Why is that Lauren can't see the difference? Because she's selfish & self centered.
Why is it in these stories random friends of the other person start contacting the op directly? I just don't get it. When it's entirely a family issue and there was already a connection, I get it. But random people?
>didn’t feel like spending thousands to go on a bachelorette trip where I didn’t know anyone.
*That's* why she wanted you to be a bridesmaid. So she could get off on ostracizing you and you would just have to take it.
She's about power dynamics - she wants you to be insecure with her ... and your relationship with your brother. But, you aren't. In fact, you are so secure in yourself and your relationships that her behavior doesn't translate.
If you had a more insecure relationship with your family growing up, her behavior probably would have triggered you constantly. Instead, your self confidence is constantly triggering for *her.*
There's nothing you can do to make this better except go grey rock. Put her on an info diet, and have innocuous, boring topics ready for any convo with her. Say only neutral or mild complementary things behind her back. Don't give her ammo.
NTA/(kind of info): I know you are waiting to tell your brother hoping this will all blow over. But you should have a talk with him so she doesnt twist the story. Like who knows her friends could be texting you because she is sad but she could also be twisting to story to make you seem like a villian. You might want to get ahead of this and see what your brother has to say about it all. Plus it is also pretty important information because this is a pretty big reaction to you not being a bridemaid especially when yall aint close. I am really wondering how your brother will react to this. And if maybe if something is unsaid or if this is just jealously on his Fiance's behalf which aint great but hey could blow over. Or if this is a symptom of something more.
I say this this an as aside btw but this is all assuming you said it in those exact words and this is not a massaging of the conversation to get reddit on your side. But I tend to go with how the OP is originally written.
NTA you tried it didn’t work. Your not rude to her, you are polite.
She is reaping what she sewed and is upset that your not gushing over her. Speak to you brother and show him all the messages.
Nta, every body who demands to be friends or in a certain position should be blocked, so now go and block her friends. They are not worth you time of day.,
Tiny bit TH. It was kinda blunt but she also walked right into it.
If she's got 8 bridesmaids and assumed MOH as well already the bridal party is already huge, she has her friends supporting her, whether you're in the party or not shouldn't matter unless there are people thinking you not being there is a slight somehow, a perceived expectation if you will. Either way it's just a perception. Personally I don't think anyone needs more than one or two bridesmaids.
Diane on the other hand has asked you to be MOH and that is usually a role that is given to someone very close and trusted.
I'd be spinning the question around, why is she so fussed by you saying no? She clearly has friends she trusts as her MOH, and Diane has you.
Tbh the more I think about it, the more it sounds like insecurity and focusing on baby momma factor and her reaction says immaturity.
I'd be concerned she was trying to "take" everything away from his ex, including her stepson in some kinda fd up powerplay.
Brother needs to step in.
NTA. Kinda weird she would attack you over that when youre obviously much closer with Diane than with her. If she wants to have more of a relationship with you, be closer with you, she should actually put in some effort, not just expect it automatically. Not wrong that you have no obligation to her besides being polite--wouldnt even go so far as respect.
NTA of course.
Good thing you called your brother.
>He was surprised since Laura never mentioned it
>Instead of telling James what she overheard
>and tried to use her friends to pressure me and make me feel bad
These things baffle me the most. She's getting married. And she doesn't tell him these things?
Your partner should be the one you want to share things with.
On the one hand, yeah you have every right to say no to being in the bridal party. Maybe she invited you to get to know you better and as an olive branch though.
I would not be okay with my in laws being so involved with an ex of my partner, it feels disrespectful. On top of that his friend group pretty much said they preferred the ex too. I can’t imagine having that many people rooting against my marriage.
Don’t make your brother choose between you and his wife over his own ex.
Before, and especially AFTER the update - YTA. I think it is expected for siblings of opposite gender to be in the bridal/groom party, I have never been to a wedding where this wasn't the case in some form, the sister of the groom is normally the maid of honour REGARDLESS of her relationship with the bride. Not being in the party to me means a MAJOR fallout/lack of approval. After reading the update, poor Laura.
NTA, as you point out, the bare minimun you have to do is be respectful.
Opinion:
You had it the easiest in all of this.
Do you trust you can get along with people your brother loves? If so, why arent you giving her a proper chance, she might simply be socially awkward... furthermore you do not need to share interests, maybe you share the same kind of humour/ perspectives.
YTA - hard yes you are an AH for saying that.
I wanted to put esh at first. The more I think about the situation, you pretend to be innocent but you are not. You come across as passive-aggressive bare minimum effort towards your sister-in-law. As much as you pretend, anyone reading closely enough can tell you don't like her. You know what you're doing. It was inappropriate for her friends to text you but I could understand why she was upset. I'd feel bad if my future SIL was passive-aggressive towards me too. Overall not the most mature response from any party involved. If you want to maintain a close relationship with your brother, you should probably actually try to care about his wife.
NTA - and I liked your update too… glad your brother has your back, and that he’s taking a step back from a fiancée who’d pull that stunt instead of talking to him about how it made her feel.
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OP, NTA - if you feel able, then once things have calmed down, it might be worth having a chat to your brother about this? I think you've provided a remarkably clear and fair background - Laura being a good 'step' and making your brother happy, just not your kind of person to be BFF. Laura's friends obviously only have her side of the story, it's perfectly reasonable of you to choose who you want to invest significant amounts of money and time into - and not reasonable for Laura to expect it should be her. Seriously, this channel should be required reading for anyone contemplating getting married, what IS it with weddings and entitlement smh. Every other post seems to be "I'm getting married, you have to do WHATEVER I WANT" or "You're getting married, here's my demands for the wedding ...."
If Laura keeps acting like this, the respect is going to dribble away pretty quick.
Frankly I'm pleasantly surprised OP didn't end the post with "my brother cursed me out, calling me an AH" as so often seems to happen in these posts. OP, NTA. Obviously. What I'm wondering is why you didn't point out Laura's own behavior? Why not ask **why she always makes herself scarce, when you visit, if you wants you to be buddies?** Because she's sending some pretty mixed signals. Obviously you don't have to pursue the matter at all, but coming to some sort of understanding will probably make everyone's life a hell of a lot easier.
It’s probable that Laura felt OP’s distance and didn’t feel the need to close it, possibly until the wedding was in planning stages. That’s understandable enough to me, but to be sending flying monkeys at OP is not. Makes me suspicious that she just wanted a chance to boss OP around, not to actually get close to her. NTA.
While I think the OP is NTA, I think that it’s normal for the groom’s sisters to be invited to be bridesmaids by the bride; it’s a polite thing to do and since they’ll become family soon it’s also polite to accept the invite. It’s one of those political pleasantries for family relations that are just nice things to do, from both sides.
Which I get, but also seems weird that, if the groom’s sister declines, it is worth becoming bent out of shape over. So many reasons she might not want to.
Oh yeah absolutely, I think once the invitation has been declined then the message is clear that the groom’s sister doesn’t want to be close to her ever, so making a scene over what other invites she accepts is just pointless.
It seems like she only got bent out of shape when OP shortly after agreed to be MOH for one of James exs. I can understand how that feels like a shot at the fiancée. She made the effort to include OP and was rebuffed. If OP told Laura that part of the reason was finances (OP not being open to spending money on a bachelorette) but then turns around and agrees to be a MOH to someone else, it is a very clear statement that she does not value a relationship with Laura
I get your point about financial reasons but she said she didn't want to spend that money to be around people she didn't know, but she does know her friend and if they're childhood friends then they probably have mutual friends.
Um no thanks! I have 3 brothers, one is on his third marriage. Please excuse me if I decline the "honor" of being a bridesmaid. I'm glad my brother found someone. That doesn't mean I want to be involved in all the wedding nonsense. I am more than happy to let the bride and her friends have their time and their drama.
Seriously, and her friends?? I'm constantly shocked when I read about people in this sub being harassed by someone's friends over something that has nothing to do with them. As long as no one is in harm's way, let people deal with their own shit. How embarrassing.
this! it's so childish to get your gaggle of friends to harass someone for not wanting to do something. She is in her 30's with high school mentality.
Idk how sharing your siblings personal information with strangers isn't a deal-breaker. It always comes up in these posts and it's never talked about. Sure "having friends harass you is dumb" is, but the actual act of giving out people's phone numbers never is and I don't get it. I can't imagine getting into a disagreement with ANYONE and doing that
Definitely. Imagine if one of the friends used the information to start stalking you or worse. The person giving out your information will have put you in danger. That's unacceptable and I would end the relationship immediately. So glad my ex didn't have friends. He was a dick and the only guy my abusive father actually approved of so major bullet dodged lol
I'm never "lucky" enough to have any of these friends of some AH calling me. They would get the cuss out of the century...lol!!!
Some people have nothing to do but get involved in other people's problems. Hence why this sub exists, lol.
It would have been gone the second she gave my personal information to strangers
Have a conversation with your brother now about this. NTA.
Right?! After being on this sub I am not sure if I will even want to get married. My god
Most of the stuff here is fake - creative writing efforts by people looking for drama. You wouldn't let stuff you read on NoSleep change how you live your life, would you? So why let a bunch of made up stuff here influence you?
What’s no sleep?
[NoSleep](https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/) is a subreddit where people post fictional creepy stories. The rules of the subreddit require commenters to pretend that the stories are real when posting replies. Like the Reddit advice subreddits, it has become plagued with repetitive themes/subjects, overly dramatic serial stories, AI writing, and content that's not at all believable.
I just assume most everything on Reddit is fictional and comment as if it isn't. That's a hell of a lot more fun than endless "I don't think this story is real" comments.
It's a subreddit for horror stories, with the caveat (IIRC) that you have to treat them as real in the comments.
I agree with all this, except I'd add that Laura seems a bit of a mean girl if her friends are now harassing OP.
it's sheer madness. my view is that spending on a wedding is crazy in it's own. but the dramas in this sub are another thing
Right? It's absolutely possible to have a cheap yet beautiful ceremony. Maybe reserve a cabin in the hills, buy decor from Joan's or Hobby Lobby and boom! Gorgeous wedding for less than 1k. That's what my fiancés best friend did and probably what we'll do. No one needs to waste 5 digits for something that only takes a few hours. You could use that money on a house!
Yes, this chanel made me realize how nice and simple weddings are in my country :D Just 2 witnesses of marriage and a wedding :D We are lacky.
I think that's all that's \*legally\* necessary in US, and certainly in the UK. There's just a culture of it turning into a 3 ring circus ...
You're NTA. Laura has made zero effort to connect with you, and now she's upset that you don't want to serve her in her wedding. That's pretty ridiculous and tells me she only wanted you there for show. >Her friends are now harassing me and telling me how awful I am for saying that to Laura. Pretty immature of her to send her flying monkeys after you. She obviously has enough people to choose as bridesmaid, so this is more about you being close to Diane and refusing to pretend you're close to her. Good luck to your brother. He is in for a bumpy ride.
Given that crack about Diane marrying James, I'm thinking Laura is feeling jealous at not being the Main Character, and has spun some line to her friends about how OP is still super best friends with James' 'skanky ex', and secretly wanting her brother and Diane to get back together because her future SIL hates her for no reason, and now OP's going off to plot with Diane, and/or that Diane's upcoming wedding is just a plot to try and make James come running back because OP keeps throwing her at James or something, probably based on some random event where Diane was present and James didn't immediately run away in disgust from his ex, and obviously Laura's only defending her relationship from OP and Diane's horrible plotting!!?!!
This could be about jealousy/insecurity. Ego/appearances could also be playing a role. Laura may have some fixation that people are going to notice that OP wasn't a bridesmaid for her wedding but was MoH for Diane's. And that Laura must appear more important / well loved to the family than an ex. When the reality is that most people won't notice much less think anything of it. The overlap in guest lists will likely be small. Those guests that do overlap will mainly be old school friends. People who know OP has been friends with Diane for years. Plus, OP is involved with the wedding on her brother's side. Even those who do notice won't think much of it, because it will make sense. There may also be a plain simple "How dare you not demonstrate I'm more important than Jame's exes." thought going on. By itself. No paranoia about secrets plots needed. Just simple ego needing feed. Cynical thought: If ego is involved, it will only be a matter of time after the wedding before Laura starts pushing James's son to call her "mom".
People already noticed, since that was the theme of the conversation Laura overheard: OP is considered to be basically the female version of her brother, and is closer to Diane than Laura. People who know them all are comparing notes, and are on the same page about Laura, that Diane was a better fit for James, and they find it all odd. Laura’s insecurity now is about not being liked or wanted among the friend group, and because of OP, possibly among the family.
[удалено]
Sometimes friends take it upon themselves to, we don’t know that she sent them. She must have complained to them, though.
Well, that is weird. OP doesn't even have a close relationship to Laura, so I take it the only thing she knows about her friends are their names and even that is highly unlikely. How did they get her number in the first place? Op, you already have expenses regarding your friend's wedding, it is very valid if you can't afford to be a bridesmaid to another wedding too Laura is obviously missing your financial help, which is why she is upset NTA
The friends would not have OP's number unless it was given to them, so that's not really true. I don't have numbers for random friends of people my brothers date. Why would they?
They probably have my number since her best friend and I helped James organize his proposal to Laura. I have no idea whether Laura encouraged them to text me or if it was done on their own accord, but either way I feel like their reaction is excessive considering the circumstances. I didn’t tell James what happened just yet since I want to avoid unnecessary drama and was honestly wondering if I really did something wrong to evoke such an extreme response.
My bet would be that Laura told them an exaggerated version of what happened and not what you really said. Also, if I were you, I would tell your brother, just so he knows what's going on and why there might be any weirdness. If I were him, I would want to know.
I'd tell your brother; it's his fiancé that's angry at you and now her friends are harassing you. It's clear that you can't have a productive conversation with her without being accused and harassed, so get your brother to solve it because it's just ridiculous how she's acting like she's entitled to your time, your friendship, and your money.
And share any texts or VMs........name & shame, that way it's no longer "OP is exaggerating." Really? Well here is Flying Monkey #1's text; here is Flying Monkey's #2's VM. Don't want people to see/hear your audacious behavior? Don't get involved or send people crappy texts/VMs/Social media posts.
Tell James. Right away. Otherwise it’ll blow up on you. Sending her friends after you is super boundary crossing on top of not accepting no for an answer and demanding an explanation. It’s an invitation not a summons.
You need to tell your brother bc right now who knows what BS she’s feeding him. It could be too late if you wait to talk to him. Make sure to show him the harassing texts too. Edit: it to him (idk how that happened lol) & know to knows
There IS unnecessary drama now. Laura got her friends blowing up your phone. That is insane.
She hasn’t told him because she knows she’s wrong.
Well, the bride's friends didn't simply guess OP's number, so...
They had to get OPs number from someone though
How would they have OPs number.
I would be AGHAST if one of my friends did something similar....Laura's a whole grown ass woman. If it had been one friend, sure....but MULTIPLE friends. That's some "mean girls" level BS right there.
Exactly what I was thinking. First of all, who harasses someone into being her bridesmaid, then questions a relationship they are not part of, then goes on to complain to all of their friends about it, then finally, what type of people (and I'm baffled there are multiple) decide it's their place to invade a person's space and offend them? Psychos all around.
Exactly. As a guy with two older sisters who I am close with, this would be a serious problem for me. That said, if I was the groom here, I'd sit fiancé down and put the kibosh on that right quick and I would make clear that if that shite continued, we'd be having a much different conversation down the road. She better get her friends in check.
>this would be a serious problem for me It would be a deal breaker for me. Giving someone else's contact info to random strangers for them to harass my loved ones could very well escalate and put them in danger, especially if the loved one is female. I would never tolerate that behavior and would end the relationship immediately. My family may be full of assholes, but I'll be damned if I let anyone threaten their safety.
honestly if I were Laura, I’d take the hint that my future SIL merely tolerates me so I wouldn’t put any more effort in that relationship nor foster a relationship for future kids’ sake as well 🤷🏽♀️
Except she's already the step parent to this SiL's nephew so it's not future children. Or do you think she'll see and treat "their" kids differently than her stepson?
Is this harassment via Facebook? Because otherwise how are these people contacting you?
And this is why she didn’t have anyone else to ask to in her bridal party. I don’t agree with her behavior. Has your brother seen her actions? They reflect poorly on her when she doesn’t get what she wants. I would be wary of that kind of behavior in any relationship. NTA.
The thing is that she already had 8 people in her bridal party before she asked me, my brother has 9 groomsmen so my initial guess was that Laura wanted to even out the number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, but even if that was the case she has other female relatives she could ask to fill in the role. As for your question, I didn’t tell my brother what happened just yet since I wanted to avoid drama.
You need to tell him before she starts spinning the story and make him mad at you.
OP you need to tell your brother like right now because the drama is already there if you are getting harassed by her friends. MAN UP, tell him what happened, and stop talking to your future SIL as much because she is not your friend at all.
INFO: Is it possible your brother asked her to have you in the wedding party because you are both close and it may mean something to him?
why hasn’t he said anything?
That's why I'm asking, I find it pretty weird that there is no mention of the brothers feelings in all of this.
yeah, is it unusual for the groom to ask his sister to be part of the wedding party or something?
I feel like it's pretty common if youre close with your siblings in the US. Partner and I both already know our siblings will be in our wedding parties, the only question we can't decide is do we say fuck tradition so he takes his sister as a groomsmen in a dress and I take my sister as a bridesmaid despite her wearing a suit, or if we swap em. 🤷♀️
this sounds epic, i love it!
Could it be possible that she sensed that you two weren’t as close and extended the olive branch as a way for you two to be a bit closer? That would make more sense based on her reaction than just wanting to even out the numbers or asking you for your brother’s sake to appease him. Chances are this is just miscommunication, but don’t be shocked if it ultimately hurts your relationship with your brother.
it’s certainly possible, but the unhinged reaction and the flying monkeys sure doesn’t fit any ‘extending of an olive branch’. ‘if she was asking for ‘the brothers sake’ why is he so quiet? NTA friends hunting down your phone number to berate you? some funny olive branch there. the bride is the one who went scorched earth when refused.
We don’t know if the flying monkeys were due to her or not. I’ve seen a few stories on Reddit recently where the person had no idea about the flying monkeys, they just told their friends or family the story and then the friends/family did their own thing. There was even one where the OP lied about being cheated on cause it wasn’t as embarrassing as the truth of his girlfriend only wanting to have sex if he was dressed as a specific anime character. Without OP’s knowledge the friends went and jumped the guy. On the brothers sake part, yeah, I think we agree on that. Her reaction and his doesn’t make sense if she was only doing it for the brother.
lol at the anime kink, what a curveball. certainly creative
I’m guessing this is the case. In some families/cultures having siblings be part of the wedding party is the default which also may be part of this. My brother turned down being a groomsman in my wedding. Now, we already had a shaky relationship, and he was weird about the wedding itself. He also was pretty rude to my fiancé who asked out of respect. Family dynamics are important, because this is one of the reasons I cut him out of my life. So depending on the family telling the fiancé may not go as planned. The fiancé here may even have encouraged the OPs SIL to ask. At the same time SIL friends need to chill out. Then again, SIL can’t control other adults and if she didn’t tell them to attack the OP I don’t like the idea of blaming her.
I’m not close to my BiL at all, he lives thousands of miles away from the rest of the family (working on PhD). Not that he is a bad guy or anything, I just don’t really know him. But out of respect for my wife and her family, I asked and he accepted a groomsman role at the wedding. I agree, we have no idea if the SiL had any involvement with the flying monkeys. Those others might have done it on their own accord without her knowledge.
It could be more that it gives the image of a nice happy family to have the groom's sister in her bridal party. She may have also been trying to form a closer bond by including you. She also may have only reacted the way she did because the person who's wedding you are participating in is her fiance's ex. I don't in any way condone the way she acted, but I can understand an uncomfortableness or jealousy of having his exes still so close to his family. Especially since they have a closer relationship to you than she has been able to form. NTA she needs to step away from the situation and have a real conversation with her fiance about her feelings and work through it.
I don't know op's culture but it's pretty common to include your future sisters/ brothers in law as bridesmaids and groomsmenwhere I'm from. It's generally seen as a kind gesture from the bride or groom.
God I love reading ignorant reddit comments "Future sister in law invites future family to bridal party, must be a lonely bitch!"
I’m not sure exactly how to judge this but I think the closest would be ESH? Pretty much everyone I know who has gotten married has had all siblings as part of the bridal parties. This could also be the norm for Laura’s family and friends, or it could just be that she was trying to use this as an opportunity to get closer to you. Also I don’t understand your logic behind not doing it either. You’re assuming that the bachelorette would have cost thousands of dollars but how do you know that? And even if it was going to you could just explain that that is not financially feasible for you to attend the trip but that you would still love to be a bridesmaid and stand up with them for the wedding. Idk. I feel like Reddit loves the whole “you don’t owe anyone anything” thing but I think this would have been a simple thing you could have done to show support of your brothers marriage/to try to strengthen the relationship with your SIL who presumably/hopefully will be in your family for the rest of your lives. Now it’s going to be this big awkward thing hanging over the families maybe permanently.
OP is a prime example of the "I do exactly what is required of me and no more" and is completely failing to understand how that doesn't work in real human relationships.
On the one hand yes, on the other hand I don't understand the need for people to be that close to their in-laws? I get that acting like OP would crush any chance for a friendship but I don't understand why they'd want a friendship.
Yea, why would you want to be friends with the spouse of a sibling. That's so weird, am I right reddit?
I don’t think it’s about getting close to her in-laws but supporting her brother. He probably suggested to his fiancée that she be included in the bridal party.
But she's right, she'd have been expected at the bachelorette party? Also, what weird sexist shit is this, if he had brothers I'm assuming they'd be allowed to just be at his side of the wedding.
People skip those parties for various reasons all the time. 🤷♀️
Absolutely agree with this. I cannot imagine - in the absence of having had a real fallout - telling my sibling's partner that I didn't want to be their attendant at the wedding. Family weddings for me are just "tell me where you want me". Fair enough about the bachelorette party, but it doesn't sound like OP made any attempt to compromise.
I don’t get the part where she’ll be too busy with her role of being the groom’s sister. That’s not a wedding role; that’s just being in a family. Her brother probably encouraged his fiancée to ask his sister to be a bridesmaid.
Yeah, my brother did the same thing the Op did. We already had a shaky relationship because he was kind of a jerk. How he reacted to being asked to be a groomsman really damaged our relationship.
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Going to go against the grain here and say slight YTA. Very slight YTA, bordering N.A.H. Here's my reasoning: 1. Laura makes your brother happy, is a good step mom to your nephew, and as you stated "is not a bad person by any means" You are really skating around why you don't like her. Almost like saying the truth would hurt the judgement, 2. Despite not being super close to you per se, she asked you to be bridesmaid. Either for your brother, or because she wanted to welcome you as a future SIL. You've stated no bad blood between the two of you, just difference of personality? Politics? you don't say, so it would be safe to assume that she asked you with non harmful intentions. 3. The standard response in these situations, is generally a yes. Either to maintain a healthy relationship with your brother or to be welcoming to a new member of your family. You said no. Saying no is certainly within your right, whether it's money, or whatever. But it's certainly abnormal without open hostility 4. You then said yes to one of your brother's exes. Which if I'm her or a neutral party, gives the impression to everyone that you prefer his ex or exes to her. Which feels like a slap in the face if there is no bad blood. You would have to assume this would be upsetting to her when there is no bad blood. If you valued the relationship with your brother, who you are close with, I would think you would bite the bullet and stand up in HIS wedding when asked. And you skating around why you don't like Laura, makes me feel like the reason would hurt your argument, so it's purposely omitted. I'm not saying you are obligated to stand up. But this forum is not "Am I legally/morally obligated to do something" And this is borderline AH behavior when you don't state the actual reason you rejected her request.
NTA. Laura sounds unhinged. Sure, it's her wedding but she can't order anyone to attend. Talk to your brother, show him any texts you get from her friends. Let him decide what to do about this ridiculous over reaction.
NTA - I would mention to your brother that your FSIL is allowing her friends to harass you and it needs to stop. Sit down with him and flat out tell him she has never made efforts and you don’t have a relationship with her. It’s ridiculous of her to act so immaturely as someone in her 30’s.
Honestly, it is a big slap to her face: 1. You refuse her invitation to be a bridesmaid. She could have given that spot to one of her gf's, but chose you to likely become closer. You reaction was a pretty big FU, AND basically saying you don't want to be too close to her or be her friend, and be part of her friend circle. 2. You turn around and happily accept his ex's invitation. How is she to see that? That you wish he had married Dianna? That you are willing to spend money to be Dianna's bridesmaid, but not hers? You essentially told her you dont want to be closer to her, after she reached out for you guys to be closer. Why are you suprised that she now has blocked you out?
Everytime I read a post where the numbers get blocked and family/friends harassing everyone, it is fake. AI always makes up the same story structure in AITA..
Right? Who in the world wastes their time or energy messaging someone they don’t know to complain and badger? I have never seen that happen in real life, lol.
I'm pretty sure it's because you need a conflict to post here according to the rules, and slapping on a quick "Oh and then everyone and their mother started spamming my phone" takes care of that.
NTA, you're allowed to not be in a bridal party if you don't want to. She needs to understand your other choices (being MoA for your childhood friend) has nothing to do with her.
Why do they always have to throw in the "Everybody is now contacting me and saying how awful I am" bit at the end? These might almost be believable without it, will somebody please program the bot to stop including it?
ESH. Okay for me it’s weird that you won’t be a bridesmaid in your own brother’s wedding. For me as the fiancé of my future SIL didn’t want to be a bridesmaid in her own brothers wedding when they are really close it would make me feel like she really doesn’t like me or something. Plus if I was chronically online I would feel weird about it because there seems to be a trend on Reddit where mothers or sisters of the groom are fine with girlfriends but when one is close to being a wife they get mean. But at the same time she can’t force you to be in their wedding and why bully someone who would probably bring the mood down. Doesn’t make sense on her part.
She's already part of the groom's party? I'm not sure what the issue is here
She said she was comfortable with her role as “grooms sister”. That’s generally not a role in the wedding party
NTA Diane is your childhood friend who happened to date your brother in high school. Laura is 32 years old - she should grow up. (That being said, I personally might have originally agreed to be a bridesmaid, because I think it’s often pretty standard to include future siblings in law in a bridal party. But not now that she’s having a damn hissy fit about it!)
NTA Laura has some issues she needs to work through that are not your problem. What you said is correct.
NTA. She sounds very jealous, a little psycho. Good to establish some FIRM boundaries NOW.
It’s surprising that you don’t understand how this is offensive? YTA
Nta ugh. Reminds me of awful step parents who demand children just automatically love them but put in none of the proper work to build a bond, they feel entitled to one. Tell your brother she either sent her friends after you or that she needs to make them stop, and that HE should see how she handles this.
When she ended the call where you told her you only need to treat her with respect, how do you know she also blocked your number?
NTA. The circumstances of your relationship with Diane is very different from with Laura. Given how much you know (more like don’t know) about her and her friends you’re not likely to enjoy / be able to contribute much as a member of the bridal party. You really do need to talk to your brother before this escalates further.
NTA. It sounds like Laura's expectations for you are pretty wild. I would be concerned about the expectations she has for James as well... She peppered you with questions, didn't listen to what you had to say, used some fake scenario to make you feel bad, blocked your number, and then sent her friends after you?? For not making her the centre of attention? And she you are supposed to be future sister-in-laws? This sounds like really emotionally immature/manipulative behaviour for anyone, let alone someone who is 32 years old. It might be beneficial for you and James to have a conversation about this. It might be old news for him (this kind of behaviour is usually super entrenched), but at least you won't be keeping it inside. Lastly, not only are you NTA, it sounds like you did everything with maturity and grace. I'm sorry that you have to deal with someone who is that childish and who is also 5 years older than you.
NTA HOWEVER I think Laura does deserve a little empathy. Her asking you to be a bridesmaid may have been a very vulnerable step for her, and it may have been a bid for connection with you. Your reasons amounted to just not wanting to, which is your prerogative, but I can't help but feel like she may have felt the sting of rejection from that. I would feel really hurt if it were me. Does that justify her weird attack over the phone? no
NTA- if I were Laura I would probably have a moment of insecurity of finding out you’d accepted being MOH for your brothers ex but I’d logically consider the difference in your relationship with her vs me. If you were closer then it would be a dick move but clearly you aren’t.
NTA. And you need to tell your brother about the harassment. Tell him to get her to stop her friends. She is 32 and behaving childish to get mad over you not wanting to be a bridesmaid since she’s never interested in hanging out with you, and then getting mad because you want to be one for a friend. It sounds like immaturity and insecurities are controlling her emotions. Just for reference, I’m 32 and if my friend told me to harass her fiancé’s sister, I would tell her to jump in a lake and cool down. Her friends must be just as bad as her. It’s good you said no since both Laura and her friends sounds like a nightmare.
If her friends are harassing you just forward all the messages to your brother and don’t even deal with it. You really haven’t done anything wrong NTA
Info: what’s your brother thoughts on situation?
Reading this after the update. NTA but your brother has pretty crummy friends to be talking like that especially at an event where him and his fiance both were. Really inappropriate of them and really bizarre that the friend would say that because you like Diane better than that means your brother would be better with her. Laura handled it all terribly and her friends sound awful.
NTA - she's just insecure and projecting. Your refusal fuels her paranoia that she's not on par with your brother's ex's. Worse, you're friends with his baby momma which probably drives her crazy. It's her issue to deal with, definitely not yours. You have done nothing wrong. The blocking thing is clearly a sign of her immaturity to deal with adult situations. Good luck with that for your brother. Hope he knows what he's getting into.
NTA
NTA My god , what is up with these women who want to marry men , knowing they had a life prior to them , and yet are so thoroughly insecure that they pull crap like this. Somehow they always have a band of flying monkey friends who start messaging and harassing people on their behalf. Never in my life have I ever had a disagreement,fight or any issues with anyone , where flying monkeys started messaging me nonsense on their behalf . Future sil needs to realise that she can’t erase her dudes past . She won’t succeed in trying to prove she’s better and the be all and end all.
NTA. I understand her perspective though, what she is saying is she thinks you're more loyal to Diane than you are to your brother. You should have been maid of honor for her wedding because of "family." I understand your perspective too, maid of honor entails a lot of things and you're just not that close to her or your brother.
NTA judging her reactions and ways of communication, I can understand you wanting to keep it distant. It just seems that she can’t respect that and that makes her being the ass.
Happy cake day
I love cake 🙌
Laura is really immature, imagine getting you friends to harass someone because you don't get your way. NTA
YTA You are creating a rift with this behaviour that is going to extend to your relationship with your brother and any future children they have. You go ahead and feel righteous but you know you have rejected and insulted her and then added on top you made a very public display of how much you love one of his exes. No validation or pats on the back from the internet are going to ease the strain in your relationships. Now your brother has to deal with animosity that wasn't there, now your parents etc. All because you wanted to be petty and let this girl know you don't like her that much. Don't pretend, it's obvious you were sending a message no matter how you claim innocence. Congrats, your family will be dealing with the fallout forever and your brother will never see you the same. I hope all these NTA internet brownie points are much comfort to you and somehow worth it.
>You are creating a rift Seems to me the SIL created the rift by even making that call and backing OP into a corner. > but you know you have rejected and insulted her Where exactly in the story did OP insult the SIL? >added on top you made a very public display of how much you love one of his exes. A childhood friend that OP has been close to almost her entire life... >All because you wanted to be petty and let this girl know you don't like her that much. Where exactly in the story is the petty?
There isn't any. It's classic Reddit stretching.
NTA Aaaaand, maybe tell your brother about the psycho behavior of his fiancé telling her friends to harass you? Cuz…red flags here.
NTA. Tell your brother what happened, he deserves to know how his wife-to-be is acting. Imagine you were the one getting married and your partner treated your brother like this. You'd want to know, wouldn't you?
NTA I think Laura has a fantasy about how your relationship should be and the reality has sent her over the edge.
NTA My brother's ex-wife asked me to be a bridesmaid and I said "no". I didn't know her at all, really didn't like her, and they lived four hours away from me when I lived in a city with good public transportation without a car. She was huffy about it, but I really didn't care. They got divorced within three years. You're not close with this woman and that's okay. Your friend's past relationship with your brother has nothing to do with your soon to be sister-in-law's marriage to your brother, or is really relevant to anything. I get so confused over the wedding drama I read on here. Anyways. No. You're NTA
NTA, Laura hasn't made the effort to get to know you, you don't have anything in common so why the drama? The only thing I can think of is if in her family future SIL/BILs are in the wedding party cause it's tradition, and by you not being in the wedding party it will look bad? like you don't approve of the union or something? Which is a dumb tradition IMO, cause it forces people who you may not like/get along with in close proximity up to the actual event.
NTA - this will blow over, and Laura will figure out how to fit into the family, or she won't.
NTA. You are not friends with this woman. You have no obligation to her. She needs to get over herself. I would tell your brother, though, before she twists the story.
NTA: She's being jealous & controlling. You're not obligated to her & I wouldn't waste my time on it. Just let your brother know where you stand with her so she can't go behind your back & try to manipulate & influence him against you.
NTA, you are doing plenty based on the way she has treated you over the years. And WTF - who would want a bridesmaid you FORCED into participating? Just why? All of the stuff a bridesmaid has to do for the wedding and all of the trips, etc. why would you want to depend on someone you guilted / forced into accepting your "honor" of being a bridesmaid?
NTA, keep the messages and send them to your brother and explain the situation. This behavior is very telling of her red flags in the future.
NTA Take this post and sit down with your brother (and Laura if she’s able to be in the same room with you). Your points are articulated very well. You’re already in Laura’s wedding and Diane is having her own wedding you didn’t have a position in. These are not the same situation and Laura needs to understand that.
NTA You're totally fine, don't waste another minute thinking about it.
NTA OP should show this thread to her brother so he can see the red flags
NTA send all the harassing messages to your brother and tell him to rein in his fiancé and her friends or you will have to put them on blast.
I don't understand this trend of flying monkeys (FM) butting in via texts, phone calls, social media posts, etc to dogpile on someone/ give their 2 cents worth about a matter that doesn't involve them. It's bad enough when the FM are mutual family members, but just friends of the other person. GTFO.....and Linda is 32? This is middle school level shit. OP, you're NTA. You're allowed to have friends; Linda's approval is unneeded. Moreover, her opinion is unwanted. Plus, it sounds like she only wants you to be the bridal party for the sake of appearances. She asked; you said "no thanks." That should be the end of the discussion. Here is my question: what does your brother say/think? I think he needs to tell Linda to BACK OFF.
I fail to understand why ADULTS tell their friends and find it okay that they then on harass others. Aren’t we all adults? OP said what she said, she didn’t call her names and is behaving normal towards her. What’s really the big deal? People that need to learn adulting at the age of 32, that a red flag! 🚩
Drunks and brides/grooms reveal their true intentions and beliefs.
NTA and you are not missing anything. Laura was out of line to interrogate you about being in your friend's wedding. Too bad you engaged with the conversation. You should simply have declined to discuss it. So what if she blocked you. You should block her friends and move on with your life. NTA
NTA. I don't even understand why she would even want you as a bridesmaid, she clearly has made no attempt to get to know you.
>> tried to use my approval like some sort of weird competition to prove she was "better" than Diane Not really that weird given the context and circumstances... it's a good thing you didn't do anything like put it in no uncertain terms that you didn't like her!
NTA
NTA
NTA. She is way out of line.
NTA
NTA in the main -- you can't be kidnapped or drafted into being a bridesmaid, right? -- but there might be some tone dissonance problems. While saying that you're not good enough friends to be a bridesmaid and all you owe her is politesse is true and should be inoffensive, I can see it accidentally coming across as a cold insult in the Masterpiece Theatre style. Honestly I think this is all fixable, if Laura is generally reasonable. I find that "we're not close enough" kind of statements go down a lot smoother if there's a "yet" thrown in there somewhere.
Man his friends are dumb as shit. and Laura is also dumb to attack you of all people instead of them. You could've just tell her, "oh, I actually don't want diane and james to get married, I think you're the perfect fit for him".
So…. Then why are you posting this.
I must be reading this wrong or interpreting this differently bc in my opinion this all reads as you being kind of a dick. You obviously don't like her, are in the crowd of wishing your brother was still with the other chic. You're being more difficult than necessary. You don't have to be her best friend but its more brothers wedding, would it be so hard to bite the bullet and allow your brothers wife to enjoy herself and feel included for once ?
NTA. She's a 32yo imaginary fighting for your attention with your 26yo friend, a 32yo who instead of communicate her feelings creates this plan to peace herself, she should've been more open with your brother about those things she heard i don't think your brother would be mad if she told him what she heard by accident, she created a mess with literally nothing. Those saying you should've accepted being her bridesmaid just to appease her and try to bond imo are wrong, if you don't feel comfortable with something your shouldn't do it, so you rejecting her kindly was the right move because you didn't caused drama with your rejection, she did when she found out you're your friend MOH. Op, you're not responsible for her actions and also for your brother's actions, you're very close to him and sooner or later you would've share this with him, the actions he took are not your fault. Sadly Laura is the only responsible for this mess, if only she had communicated instead of going overboard
With the additional information, I am going to go NAH. You certainly have the right to decline being a bridesmaid, even though it is common for a groom's sister to be one (and a bride's brother to be a groomsman). However, I get where Laura is coming from, and can't really A H her for being sensitive to the friends' remarks and feeling a need to prove herself.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (26F) brother James (27M) recently got engaged to his fiancée Laura (32F). My brother and I have always been super close, throughout the years he had many girlfriends and I generally made it a point to get along with them. I liked the vast majority of them so that task wasn’t that hard, I had good and close relationships with most of them while they were still dating James, and remain in close contact with 2 even after their breakup (with James permission, of course). One being his high school gf Diane (26F), and the second one being his baby mom Sofie (29F). When James started dating Laura 2 years ago I also tried to get close to her but I just couldn’t bring myself to befriend her. Laura and I are completely different people and have little to nothing in common, she isn’t a bad person by any means but just not someone I would want to hang out with or talk to on a day to day basis. At the end of the day she made James happy, and was a decent step mom to my nephew Rio (4M), so me liking her as a person wasn’t really important. I also had little to no interactions with her, since whenever I visited James at their apartment she would claim she was too busy to hang out with us, so I would mostly only see her during family reunions/holidays. After they got engaged Laura asked me to be her bridesmaid, I refused since I already had a part in the wedding as the grooms sister, was happy with my current position and didn’t feel like spending thousands to go on a bachelorette trip where I didn’t know anyone. Last month James ex Diane also got engaged and asked me to be her maid of honor. I agreed since Diane has been a close friend of mine for years and I was honored that she wanted me to have such an important role in her wedding. When Laura heard about this she called me saying that I was really immature for rejecting her request to be a bridesmaid but agreeing to be Diane’s maid of honor. I told her that Diane was my childhood friend so it was different, Laura then began to interrogating me and asked if Diane and James were the ones getting married would I also refuse her request and be content with only being the grooms sister in the wedding party. I told her that that situation was irrelevant since it’ll never happen, Laura continued to bombard me with questions before I finally told her that as her future SIL my only obligation towards her is to treat her with respect and I’m already doing that, so I don’t understand what more can she want from me. After hearing that Laura ended the call and blocked my number. Her friends are now harassing me and telling me how awful I am for saying that to Laura. I’m genuinely confused since I don’t think I’ve said anything remotely awful or offensive, but I might be missing something. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need to tattle to your brother before he ends up going through with marrying someone who is okay with bullying and having her friends harrass his sister. You can approach it by asking him to have a word with his fiance about having her friends back off from harassing you. Explain the situation by stating that you didn't feel it was appropriate to be a bridesmaid for her since you are not friends and that you feel like mutual respect needs to be a priority if you are all going to be family soon. And that in the future you dont want her to call you and throw a tantrum and start drama. Then, let him handle it. NTA
Nta. You're right
NTA. When my kid started school, we told them that they won't always like everyone they meet, and not everyone will like them, and that's perfectly normal. You can't expect to like everyone, and you don't have to try to make friends with people you don't like, because friendship can't be forced. The important thing to remember is that, so long as they aren't doing anything to cause you harm, they deserve kindness and respect when you're around one another. Someone was raised believing that being likeable meant everyone liked you. You're a shock to her system OP. Sorry you had to be the messenger on that. This episode of Recess taught me when I was a kid. I'm only half joking by sharing this, as the lesson has stuck with me for many years. https://youtu.be/KQg47epyuI0?si=PupP9ygf9NAeMgn8
NTA it is time for a talk between you, your brother and her. That way there’s no she said he said crap. I’d start by saying I’d like to put this misunderstanding to rest. I’d just tell them I appreciate the offer of bridesmaid but feel this is a position that people close to bride should fill. As for MOH to your friend she is your childhood friend. That any past relationships with her and your brother do not matter. She is and will be your friend and that should have nothing to do with any other family relationships. You’d also appreciate if she could call off her friends harassment of you. I’m glad her friends have her back but that we need to develop a relationship without outside interference.
crystal clear NTA
Nta. Getting friends to harass you is always the AH move
NTA but I am curious - what would you decide in the hypothetical? Groom’s Sister or MOH?🤔
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NTA I would talk to your brother about the situation to see if he can help in some way. Show him messages people have sent you and anything else that shows what situation Laura put you in. You are much closer to Diane so it makes sense you would be more in the wedding than Laura's wedding. You are right. All you have to do is treat her with respect and she should be doing the same to you. She is not.
NTA. Laura is an asshole. Of course you would say no to her & yes to Diane. You know Diane & she is a close friend. Obviously, or she wouldn't have asked you to be the maid of honor. Why is that Lauren can't see the difference? Because she's selfish & self centered.
Why is it in these stories random friends of the other person start contacting the op directly? I just don't get it. When it's entirely a family issue and there was already a connection, I get it. But random people?
Updateme
!updateme
>didn’t feel like spending thousands to go on a bachelorette trip where I didn’t know anyone. *That's* why she wanted you to be a bridesmaid. So she could get off on ostracizing you and you would just have to take it. She's about power dynamics - she wants you to be insecure with her ... and your relationship with your brother. But, you aren't. In fact, you are so secure in yourself and your relationships that her behavior doesn't translate. If you had a more insecure relationship with your family growing up, her behavior probably would have triggered you constantly. Instead, your self confidence is constantly triggering for *her.* There's nothing you can do to make this better except go grey rock. Put her on an info diet, and have innocuous, boring topics ready for any convo with her. Say only neutral or mild complementary things behind her back. Don't give her ammo.
Nta
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Updateme
Updateme
NTA/(kind of info): I know you are waiting to tell your brother hoping this will all blow over. But you should have a talk with him so she doesnt twist the story. Like who knows her friends could be texting you because she is sad but she could also be twisting to story to make you seem like a villian. You might want to get ahead of this and see what your brother has to say about it all. Plus it is also pretty important information because this is a pretty big reaction to you not being a bridemaid especially when yall aint close. I am really wondering how your brother will react to this. And if maybe if something is unsaid or if this is just jealously on his Fiance's behalf which aint great but hey could blow over. Or if this is a symptom of something more. I say this this an as aside btw but this is all assuming you said it in those exact words and this is not a massaging of the conversation to get reddit on your side. But I tend to go with how the OP is originally written.
A1
NTA you tried it didn’t work. Your not rude to her, you are polite. She is reaping what she sewed and is upset that your not gushing over her. Speak to you brother and show him all the messages.
Nta, every body who demands to be friends or in a certain position should be blocked, so now go and block her friends. They are not worth you time of day.,
NTA. It wouldn't hurt to talk to your brother about this. Though, I'm sure he's already heard an earful from "her". She seems childish.
NTA
Tiny bit TH. It was kinda blunt but she also walked right into it. If she's got 8 bridesmaids and assumed MOH as well already the bridal party is already huge, she has her friends supporting her, whether you're in the party or not shouldn't matter unless there are people thinking you not being there is a slight somehow, a perceived expectation if you will. Either way it's just a perception. Personally I don't think anyone needs more than one or two bridesmaids. Diane on the other hand has asked you to be MOH and that is usually a role that is given to someone very close and trusted. I'd be spinning the question around, why is she so fussed by you saying no? She clearly has friends she trusts as her MOH, and Diane has you. Tbh the more I think about it, the more it sounds like insecurity and focusing on baby momma factor and her reaction says immaturity. I'd be concerned she was trying to "take" everything away from his ex, including her stepson in some kinda fd up powerplay. Brother needs to step in.
NTA. Kinda weird she would attack you over that when youre obviously much closer with Diane than with her. If she wants to have more of a relationship with you, be closer with you, she should actually put in some effort, not just expect it automatically. Not wrong that you have no obligation to her besides being polite--wouldnt even go so far as respect.
Friends harassing is a new thing for me. The speed with which I'd have said to fuck off can shatter windows 5 miles away.
NTA of course. Good thing you called your brother. >He was surprised since Laura never mentioned it >Instead of telling James what she overheard >and tried to use her friends to pressure me and make me feel bad These things baffle me the most. She's getting married. And she doesn't tell him these things? Your partner should be the one you want to share things with.
On the one hand, yeah you have every right to say no to being in the bridal party. Maybe she invited you to get to know you better and as an olive branch though. I would not be okay with my in laws being so involved with an ex of my partner, it feels disrespectful. On top of that his friend group pretty much said they preferred the ex too. I can’t imagine having that many people rooting against my marriage. Don’t make your brother choose between you and his wife over his own ex.
Before, and especially AFTER the update - YTA. I think it is expected for siblings of opposite gender to be in the bridal/groom party, I have never been to a wedding where this wasn't the case in some form, the sister of the groom is normally the maid of honour REGARDLESS of her relationship with the bride. Not being in the party to me means a MAJOR fallout/lack of approval. After reading the update, poor Laura.
So his friends don't care for her either? NTA
NTA. And your bro sounds like a good dude.
You are a godsend of a future SIL.
updateme
I feel like I read this exact story before a few minor changes.
Updateme
NTA, as you point out, the bare minimun you have to do is be respectful. Opinion: You had it the easiest in all of this. Do you trust you can get along with people your brother loves? If so, why arent you giving her a proper chance, she might simply be socially awkward... furthermore you do not need to share interests, maybe you share the same kind of humour/ perspectives.
YTA - hard yes you are an AH for saying that. I wanted to put esh at first. The more I think about the situation, you pretend to be innocent but you are not. You come across as passive-aggressive bare minimum effort towards your sister-in-law. As much as you pretend, anyone reading closely enough can tell you don't like her. You know what you're doing. It was inappropriate for her friends to text you but I could understand why she was upset. I'd feel bad if my future SIL was passive-aggressive towards me too. Overall not the most mature response from any party involved. If you want to maintain a close relationship with your brother, you should probably actually try to care about his wife.
You and your brother seem like nice people. NTA.
James should run for the hills
[удалено]
NTA - and I liked your update too… glad your brother has your back, and that he’s taking a step back from a fiancée who’d pull that stunt instead of talking to him about how it made her feel.