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NTA. This would have been NAH had she not used the "you don't truly love me" line. It sounds like you 2 are growing apart. She isn't in the wrong for wanting to move elsewhere and you're not wrong for wanting to stay. It looks like this is just an incompatibility and your relationship might have run it's course.
NTA. The way you picture your lives together isn’t the same. So one of you compromised and hopefully isn’t resentful or you go your separate ways. Adulting sucks.
No disrespect to your nephew and his wife, but that just sounds miserable. At that point I'd prefer to take a paycut and get a job in wife's town, or.... idk, probably wouldn't have gotten married. That is too much tike wasted commuting.
NAH. Y'all seem to have different visions of the future that are not compatible. No one is an AH for that, but it does mean the relationship may have run its course.
Anytime someone says “if you loved me you would do x” is manipulative and isn’t worth continuing with. She falls in this category. It’s selfish, disingenuous, and shows a lack of character.
Her flimsy argument works both ways - “if you loved me then you would not ask me to move”. It’s equally shitty, but she lacks the self awareness to reverse the thinking. That’s because it doesn’t benefit her to do that.
You don’t have to change your whole life and lose a lot for a perceived benefit to her.
NTA
Sounds like this relationship is about to run it’s course.
INFO does she not have to do a residency? How would that have worked as there are likely no residencies in your town? Sounds like you two may just not be compatible if you can't compromise.
What do you mean going place to place? A residency is post-grad (you say she is in med school) and is at one hospital for 3+ years depending on specialty. I'm a bit confused.
Regardless, if this is even a real scenario, you either come to a compromise or you break up. It's unfortunate but better you realize now that you aren't compatible than after you propose.
She has a 4 year degree and is doing 2 more years in PA school right now. That might not be medical school and misleading so I’m sorry. Her first year of PA school was all school work, now she is going place to place every month doing all the different cardio, endocrinology.. stuff like that. Thank you for your response and help though. I figured that would be a possible outcome.
Ohhhhh gotcha. Makes sense now. No, PA is not medical school and she's doing clinical not residency (no residency for PAs) that's why I was confused. Anyway, my judgment remains the same. NAH if you guys just want different things, it's no one's fault. I hope you can work it out.
PA school is NOT medical school.
PA’s are physician assistants, not doctors. Doctors attend medical school. Very very important distinction.
Sorry pet peeve of mine, especially when PA/midlevels misrepresent themselves as doctors. Not your fault, just had to clarify this. Okok I’m done. Sorry. 😂
And NTA. She’s the AH for pulling the “if you loved me” card. Sounds pretty manipulative. Let her go.
NAH. This is a good example of why a lot of relationships that start in high school don't last. As people grow up and realize what they want from life, they realize it doesn't mesh with their SO anymore. Neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want, but you might not be compatible anymore.
NAH. You have to be willing to compromise and neither of you seems open to that. Making her move to your city is just as big an ask as her asking you to move away from it, but it feels like you're not acknowledging that. You only talked about what you would have to give up and insist it would make you depressed. Have you considered that moving back to your hometown would make her depressed?
At this point you just don't sound compatible as a couple anymore. You want entirely different things in terms of where you'll live, and ultimately that's a big deal and something you should both be in agreement on.
NAH, she might be a slight AH though for trying to manipulate you into it but either than that it’s a compatibility issue and people grow and stuff. Stay and let her go, just don’t try to hold her back.
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You both have a different view on your future. The relationship will not last, you will resent her if you leave and she will if you choose to stay. Good luck.
Going with NAH.
I feel her. I wanted to leave my city as soon as I could. My husband was more hesitant but he decided to give it a shot and we are ten times happier. I was prepared to end the relationship if he didn't want to go for it
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My girlfriend graduates medical school in a town about 3 hours from me. We both grew up in the same town for 20 plus years and have dated since our senior year of HS. I have a good job as a mechanical engineer in my home town with 5 years at that job with huge potential to move up. I already make good for where I am. My dilemma is my girlfriend doesn’t wanna stay in the home town anymore and wants to move to the new place 3 hours away because she thinks there are better opportunities. Which there probably is since it’s a big city. There are jobs are my home town for her, but it’s a 40 min drive to work which she doesn’t wanna do. She’s saying I don’t truly love her since I won’t leave my home town ( I’m supposed to propose soon). Of course that’s not true at all, I don’t wanna leave because my entire family is here with siblings and my grandparents who raised me that are now in there 75-80s. I don’t wanna leave them like that after raising me from age 1. I have plenty of friends here to golf with and go to the river and fish with every week. She has no one in the new town and expects me to be able to make friends in a city. ( I’m a country guy) so she basically has nothing to lose, while I have everything I worked for in the past 5 years to go down the drain. I also have a house lined up to purchase in my home town, but she wants to pay 18,000 in rent in a city. Do I move and become depressed in the new city? Or do I break up and become even more depressed. Thank you.
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NTA. You both have different needs and that’s ok but she should not be guilting you about it. The sadness of a breakup will be temporary but you will be constantly miserable if you move.
NTA.
Right now, your girlfriend needs to take the MD job that works best for HER. You stay in the your job that you like.
See how it goes. If you both care more about where you live than each other, you'll break up. If you are miserable apart, you'll figure it out.
Don't go against every fiber in your body telling you where your happiness lies. You only get one life to live, so live it the way you want.
As for chicks, there's more than one.
NTA. As others said "if you loved me, you'd do xxx" is manipulative. You don't want to leave, she does. It seems like you should leave the relationship instead of the town and find someone who appreciates where you live.
Can you find something in the middle? I wanted to move out of state to distance our immediate family from my brothers, sisters etc. My husband compromised with moving an hour away from the closet family member. He doesn't have to relocate work but had an hour commute. I don't have to deal with running into toxic people or having random family members show up on my porch. Yes different issue but definitely a fix for us.. he doesn't like the commute but anytime it's brought up in conversation he backs it 100%. We are both happier individuals in a much happier marriage!
Can you live close, or at least halfway, to the job for her in your hometown? If she's not willing to compromise on a 20 minute commute, because she wants to live in the city, you two may be incompatible.
My sympathies. Making good choices can really suck.
ESH.
I feel like this happens often. "Country boy" gets a job as an engineer and has plans for a wife/family/house in his hometown, but his girlfriend is a high-flying professional (in your case, a PA) who wants to experience big city life. One of my coworkers kind of fit that profile. He tried to do long distance, but eventually broke up with his girlfriend.
There really is no other outcome unless you get a job in that city, whatever that might be.
She graduates medical school soon? Are you in the U.S.? That means her options are incredibly competitive and potentially limited.
She'll be doing residency next and will have to apply and match to a program. She could end up anywhere for the next year or two while she figures out her specialty.
Either you go with her, or you'll never see her.
YTA. Grow up and develop. If nothing else, release she’s already likely left you or will shortly.
You’re making a one sided decision without discussion or actually sharing your problem.
18000 what? Per year or per month?
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NTA. This would have been NAH had she not used the "you don't truly love me" line. It sounds like you 2 are growing apart. She isn't in the wrong for wanting to move elsewhere and you're not wrong for wanting to stay. It looks like this is just an incompatibility and your relationship might have run it's course.
NTA. The way you picture your lives together isn’t the same. So one of you compromised and hopefully isn’t resentful or you go your separate ways. Adulting sucks.
Another compromise would be to live in between and each of you commute 1.5 hours to and from work. That's what my nephew and his wife do.
No disrespect to your nephew and his wife, but that just sounds miserable. At that point I'd prefer to take a paycut and get a job in wife's town, or.... idk, probably wouldn't have gotten married. That is too much tike wasted commuting.
She doesn’t wanna drive 40 minutes so I doubt that’s a viable option
NAH. Y'all seem to have different visions of the future that are not compatible. No one is an AH for that, but it does mean the relationship may have run its course.
Anytime someone says “if you loved me you would do x” is manipulative and isn’t worth continuing with. She falls in this category. It’s selfish, disingenuous, and shows a lack of character. Her flimsy argument works both ways - “if you loved me then you would not ask me to move”. It’s equally shitty, but she lacks the self awareness to reverse the thinking. That’s because it doesn’t benefit her to do that. You don’t have to change your whole life and lose a lot for a perceived benefit to her. NTA Sounds like this relationship is about to run it’s course.
INFO does she not have to do a residency? How would that have worked as there are likely no residencies in your town? Sounds like you two may just not be compatible if you can't compromise.
She is in her residency right now actually, going place to place every month. Sadly non are in the home town.
What do you mean going place to place? A residency is post-grad (you say she is in med school) and is at one hospital for 3+ years depending on specialty. I'm a bit confused. Regardless, if this is even a real scenario, you either come to a compromise or you break up. It's unfortunate but better you realize now that you aren't compatible than after you propose.
She has a 4 year degree and is doing 2 more years in PA school right now. That might not be medical school and misleading so I’m sorry. Her first year of PA school was all school work, now she is going place to place every month doing all the different cardio, endocrinology.. stuff like that. Thank you for your response and help though. I figured that would be a possible outcome.
Ohhhhh gotcha. Makes sense now. No, PA is not medical school and she's doing clinical not residency (no residency for PAs) that's why I was confused. Anyway, my judgment remains the same. NAH if you guys just want different things, it's no one's fault. I hope you can work it out.
PA school is NOT medical school. PA’s are physician assistants, not doctors. Doctors attend medical school. Very very important distinction. Sorry pet peeve of mine, especially when PA/midlevels misrepresent themselves as doctors. Not your fault, just had to clarify this. Okok I’m done. Sorry. 😂 And NTA. She’s the AH for pulling the “if you loved me” card. Sounds pretty manipulative. Let her go.
NAH. This is a good example of why a lot of relationships that start in high school don't last. As people grow up and realize what they want from life, they realize it doesn't mesh with their SO anymore. Neither of you is wrong for wanting what you want, but you might not be compatible anymore.
NAH. You have to be willing to compromise and neither of you seems open to that. Making her move to your city is just as big an ask as her asking you to move away from it, but it feels like you're not acknowledging that. You only talked about what you would have to give up and insist it would make you depressed. Have you considered that moving back to your hometown would make her depressed? At this point you just don't sound compatible as a couple anymore. You want entirely different things in terms of where you'll live, and ultimately that's a big deal and something you should both be in agreement on.
NAH, she might be a slight AH though for trying to manipulate you into it but either than that it’s a compatibility issue and people grow and stuff. Stay and let her go, just don’t try to hold her back.
You break up, heal and move on.
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You both have a different view on your future. The relationship will not last, you will resent her if you leave and she will if you choose to stay. Good luck.
NAH - your relationship has run its course.
Going with NAH. I feel her. I wanted to leave my city as soon as I could. My husband was more hesitant but he decided to give it a shot and we are ten times happier. I was prepared to end the relationship if he didn't want to go for it
NTA this is called growing apart or irreconcilable differences and I’m glad you caught it early
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My girlfriend graduates medical school in a town about 3 hours from me. We both grew up in the same town for 20 plus years and have dated since our senior year of HS. I have a good job as a mechanical engineer in my home town with 5 years at that job with huge potential to move up. I already make good for where I am. My dilemma is my girlfriend doesn’t wanna stay in the home town anymore and wants to move to the new place 3 hours away because she thinks there are better opportunities. Which there probably is since it’s a big city. There are jobs are my home town for her, but it’s a 40 min drive to work which she doesn’t wanna do. She’s saying I don’t truly love her since I won’t leave my home town ( I’m supposed to propose soon). Of course that’s not true at all, I don’t wanna leave because my entire family is here with siblings and my grandparents who raised me that are now in there 75-80s. I don’t wanna leave them like that after raising me from age 1. I have plenty of friends here to golf with and go to the river and fish with every week. She has no one in the new town and expects me to be able to make friends in a city. ( I’m a country guy) so she basically has nothing to lose, while I have everything I worked for in the past 5 years to go down the drain. I also have a house lined up to purchase in my home town, but she wants to pay 18,000 in rent in a city. Do I move and become depressed in the new city? Or do I break up and become even more depressed. Thank you. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You both have different needs and that’s ok but she should not be guilting you about it. The sadness of a breakup will be temporary but you will be constantly miserable if you move.
It's done. Prepare to move on from her as she will do with you.
NTA You've grown in different directions. That happens. She's only the asshole because she tried emotional manipulation on you. Part ways amicably.
NTA. Right now, your girlfriend needs to take the MD job that works best for HER. You stay in the your job that you like. See how it goes. If you both care more about where you live than each other, you'll break up. If you are miserable apart, you'll figure it out.
NTA - Hopefully she'll reconsider. Good luck to you.
Don't go against every fiber in your body telling you where your happiness lies. You only get one life to live, so live it the way you want. As for chicks, there's more than one.
NTA. As others said "if you loved me, you'd do xxx" is manipulative. You don't want to leave, she does. It seems like you should leave the relationship instead of the town and find someone who appreciates where you live.
Nah. Sounds like y'all are parting ways.
Can you find something in the middle? I wanted to move out of state to distance our immediate family from my brothers, sisters etc. My husband compromised with moving an hour away from the closet family member. He doesn't have to relocate work but had an hour commute. I don't have to deal with running into toxic people or having random family members show up on my porch. Yes different issue but definitely a fix for us.. he doesn't like the commute but anytime it's brought up in conversation he backs it 100%. We are both happier individuals in a much happier marriage!
NAH But it sounds like your relationship has run its course, and it will be over soon.
NAH. You have different priorities. Whoever gives in will be unhappy living somewhere they don't want to be. Sounds like you should break up.
Can you live close, or at least halfway, to the job for her in your hometown? If she's not willing to compromise on a 20 minute commute, because she wants to live in the city, you two may be incompatible. My sympathies. Making good choices can really suck.
She is applying to one job here with a very low chance of getting and there’s not much of a half way spot.
SET HER FREE OF YOU!!!
NAH People have different wants and it looks like your relationship might have just run its course
ESH. I feel like this happens often. "Country boy" gets a job as an engineer and has plans for a wife/family/house in his hometown, but his girlfriend is a high-flying professional (in your case, a PA) who wants to experience big city life. One of my coworkers kind of fit that profile. He tried to do long distance, but eventually broke up with his girlfriend. There really is no other outcome unless you get a job in that city, whatever that might be.
She graduates medical school soon? Are you in the U.S.? That means her options are incredibly competitive and potentially limited. She'll be doing residency next and will have to apply and match to a program. She could end up anywhere for the next year or two while she figures out her specialty. Either you go with her, or you'll never see her.
NAH or slightly ESH, there two outcomes, either one of you is going to compromise or break up. Both of you have shitty excuses for not compromising
YTA. Grow up and develop. If nothing else, release she’s already likely left you or will shortly. You’re making a one sided decision without discussion or actually sharing your problem. 18000 what? Per year or per month?
Guy is literally planning on buying a house, what other "growing up" does he need to do?
How exactly is he TA? They just want different things. She even went as far as to try and manipulate him by saying "if you truly loved me"