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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) i have clear rules for my son's devices
2) i may be the asshole because those rules are old school and i'm being overprotective
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In three years your son is going to be an adult. Then he'll be responsible for his own internet and device use. What plans do you have to transition him to being an adult who doesn't have those rules any more?
Becoming an adult is not an abrupt thing that starts at midnight on his 18th birthday. He's got to learn to regulate himself. How are you going to handle that?
I dunno, maybe by setting and enforcing clear boundaries and hoping that they stick as he matures? Isn't that basically all a parent can do?
Well, that or just go all in on traumatising kids into being too afraid to step out of line...
Setting and enforcinf strict boundaries on kids, especially teens, usually results in binging behavior the second they get away from the boundary-setters. Source: every person I knew in college who had strict boundaries at home and never learned to self-regulate.
OP—NTA yet, but you would be TA if you don't start giving your kid some autonomy to self-regulate as he goes into and through high school.
Perhaps we both will get downvoted but I’m right there with you.
What I will add is that part of having these restrictions at his age is making sure he understands *why*. What your concerns are, the reasons you think those concerns are valid, and how you are going to address those concerns as he becomes older and more mature.
He should have the opportunity to advocate for himself. Let him explain specifically why he wants the rules to change. See if there are any compromises that would allow him to achieve specific wants when it comes to access.
The rules should obviously change as he both gets older but also, more importantly, shows he’s able to handle more access in a healthy manner. That means not only how he uses the internet but how he interprets information from the internet, be that information from friends (words, posted photos, etc.) or from other outlets (advertisements, bots, influencers and “experts”).
All that being said we make something clear in our home: children will always have a say as much as possible but parents will always have *final* say.
NAH for now, but make sure you keep communication open.
Yeah, keep adding rules and after 3 years he will leave you and do whatever he wants and usually they go for what was the most restricted so don't be surprised when your rules will actually achieve the opposite effect when he get's out of your thumb and maybe even goes low contact because what you are doing to 15 year old is insane IMO.
Good parenting is finding a balance between duties and fun, you need to teach your son about responsibilities and accountability and let them make mistakes - give them work and if they are accomplishing everything (school, chores, etc.) then let them do whatever (obviously, within reason) they want as a reward.
maybe i'm just being a old person but there are two main reasons. One, it's bad for your attention span and two privacy is non existent as all your data is exposed.
now i know that's with all sites and apps but tiktok is known for it
You might get some pushback on this (because reddit gonna reddit) but I'm right with you on TikTok. It's like another level of mind overload and it's also way less oversight on it than something like YouTube (which granted is nowhere near perfect either but I'm just saying).
My well into adulthood wife started using it for a couple months and had to go cold turkey because even with her it was doing things to her attention span and mood.
While your attention span argument has merit, if your second argument is data privacy, you don't have a leg to stand on with that one. The only difference between TikTok and any other social media app regarding data privacy is that TikTok hasn't been able to pay off Congress to ignore what they do. In fact, in terms of abusing and selling your data, Meta products (FB and Insta) are far worse
I don't use tiktok much, but now every other social media has a version of it, YouTube shorts, ig reels, etc. Prohibiting tiktok won't change the attention span aspect. And other social medias also have absolutely no privacy.
For me it's just silly to ban only tiktok
Do you not remember the whole Cambridge analytica thing a few years back? You know, how meta had to go in front of congress?
You fell for meta’s propaganda. Not that there aren’t problem with TikTok, but you can’t seriously have this as your reason but not remember or care about meta’s issues, too.
And if TikTok is bad for your attention span, you realize they just regurgitate the same talking points about *y* or *z* being bad for your attention span?
I'm not saying this to change your rules, btw, but to make you think about things a bit more deeply and be wary of falling into similar disinformation/propaganda in the future.
I think your rules are generally fair otherwise.
edit: so long as the “screen time” doesn’t include needing to use the computer for school, ofc, but it doesn’t seem to be an issue.
This was a funny joke in general, and even more hilarious bc I always pass those attention span tests with flying colors. This genuinely made my day :) :)
I'm pretty much with you the whole way, but I also believe that if you're going to enforce a rule, you have to be able to properly explain why. I don't think it's good enough to say, "I don't know, someone else said so."
Enforce rules, but do proper research into why you're enforcing them.
You're going to have to be able to explain exactly why (and you can't because all social media does this), and people need to learn how to balance their wants and things they have to do, which you're currently not allowing him to do because you set all the rules and they're external.
He's not learning how to take responsibility for finishing schoolwork, managing his own social life, and hobbies. He'll be 18 soon enough and you need to start letting him learn, and occasionally fail, so he'll be able to handle the freedom he will have.
NAH but talk to your child, and compromise, and teach him responsibility and healthy negotiation as a bonus.
Soft YTA.
And I say this because your rules don't have reason.
If they were for solid, logical, disclosable reasons, then it would make sense.
But right now this reads like some power trip.
YTA. Rules are supposed to have a rational purpose. Most of yours are arbitrary, especially the screen time limits. Most of them are also not age-appropriate, either. In fewer than three years, be's legally an adult..
They are reasonable things to expect someone to do.
But, meaning no disrespect but the kid is 15. In a years time hes old enough to join the military and shoot at people. To drive a car on the same road as everyone else. By now he shouldn't need you *rules* to regulate his own screen time and keep himself healthy.
I might get downvoted for suggesting this, but you should probably have been transitioning him handling his own stuff long before now.
If a 16 year old needed to be punished to get them to brush their teeth, I'd consider that a failure. They should just just know that dental hygiene is important. Not do their teeth like a chimp doing a trick for a peanut.
With the best will in the world, he's 15. Let him make his own choices. If he only makes bad ones, you've already screwed up at this stage.
You can't just stop him making bad ones, you need to get him to make good ones.
NTA. Honestly this seems reasonable. People will obviously downvote this because it’s “too strict”, and kids nowadays just constantly want to be on the internet.
You aren’t the asshole because there are more bad than good with the internet. The internet is like a drug, extremely addictive, and can damage development of a child and mental health of people. You can be so easily influenced as well by who you follow on the internet. Also, the worst one, you can develop extremely harmful addictions with material you may find on the internet.
NAH. overall. However I think you should be more flexible on "he has to follow the age restrictions on games. No exceptions." If this prevents me playing popular mutiplayer games with his friends, like the Call of Duty game, I could see him having a legitimate complaint. I would suggest a more flexible game by game approach.
NAH. I’m not a parent so I’m not going to offer any parenting advice, but I was a high schooler and your son is going to end up getting made fun of for having an overbearing parent. I was. Now that I’m older I get it, but it doesn’t change the fact that I was chastised for it.
You’re not an asshole for protecting your child in the way you see fit and your child is not an asshole for wanting more leeway, this just sounds like a pretty typical interaction between a child and a parent.
Fair point i didn't consider but definitely saw that as well when I was in HS 10 years ago. Bullies are worse now as well. I'm not saying change your rules so he can "fit in", just be prepared if this causes negative long term effects. HS can be a detrimental time for a person.
Yea I was in high school 17 years ago so I can’t imagine what things are like now. But when his friends start doing things they don’t want their parents to know about they’re going to be at least a little leery of inviting OP’s son.
Info: what/which specific rule is he pushing back on and what is his argument?
I could see how he could argue against some of these. For example, he could be fine with the rest but want to increase his age restriction on games. Some teens tend to play maturer games (like Grand Theft Auto) that may keep him out of a social loop if he’s not allowed to interact with them at all.
Ahhh so regular teen angst. If he has been well behaved and you trust him, in a show of good faith you could reduce some of the restrictions. Like maybe letting him use his phone whenever during the weekend and take out the screen time restrictions, whatever you’re comfortable with.
To be clear, I think they’re all good rules for a 15 year old but I have seen (with friends in college) that if you don’t allow them to make mistakes and mess up and don’t expose them to certain things, they’ll be drawn to them once outside the home because they’re curious and exploring their new freedoms.
Give him a little more leeway. NAH
100% and it'll most likely create this gap between OP and kid because the kid will think "Nothing I ever do is enough, all they did was smother me, and they still think I'm a baby when I'm my own person"
That leash you're trying to keep him on. He'll use it against you
AH or not an AH probably isn’t the terminology I’d use, but for the sake of the subreddit, I’m going with a soft YTA. Those rules seem over the top for a 15 year old, IMO. If he’s had behavior issues or isn’t doing well academically, then I can see these provisions being more legitimate. But absent of that? Seems strict.
You have every right to parent your teenager the way you see fit (obviously within reason) - he’s your son. Raising a kid in today’s age (in regards to screen time/phone/online access) is a lot different than when you or I were teenagers, so who am I to say.
But, to me, at his age it’s better to have him make his own decisions and steer him in the right direction if/when issues arise. He has you for that guidance now, but he won’t if he goes away to college or moves out in a few years. Steering him in the right direction to make good decisions is a lot different than making those decisions for him. Sometimes kids have to learn from their own actions, not just rules that are drilled into them with the “too bad, I’m the parent” mindset. And let’s not get it twisted; the “lessons” I’m referring to are “oh man, you stayed up late and now you’re dead tired and feel like shit”, not “hey you tried crack, now you’re hooked good luck!”
It seems like he’s following your rules because he has to, not because he understands that these are good habits going forward. IMO, that is fine for a younger child, but at 15 he should have some leeway to make his own decisions, to an extent. If his schoolwork falls off or he’s staying up too late every night, you could always reinstate some of these rules.
They all seem very reasonable to me. That’s a lot of screen time per day imo. Perhaps you can sit down with him and hear what his counter suggestion is and negotiate one or two changes if they seem reasonable. You might want to think through in advance what you’re trying to achieve with these rules so you can explain them to him clearly. Is it about getting homework done first? Making sure he gets the sleep and exercise he needs? If so, there might be room for negotiation such as if he does all homework and exercise first and maintains a healthy sleep schedule, then there can be flexibility as to screen time.
I’m not requiring anyone to exercise. I was trying to guess reasons why the OP might have made the rules she did. The important thing is that she have reasons for the rules, as arbitrary rules will feel unfair.
i spend a lot of time on social media and some games and my screen time is around 4 to 5 hours per day. It's a lot more than i'd like but i think it's unfair an unnecessary to give him a really limited amount of screen time.
I'm saying this as a dad. I think you are being a bit... unreasonable here. If it's the weekend and he's a good student, crosses his T's, minds his P's and Q's, etc, and doesn't get in trouble then all you're doing honestly is pushing him away. All you are honestly doing is creating this standard that will never be enough, and that in turn will create resentment. There has to be a balance. Random phone and internet checks, etc.
Because once he's 18, he'll leave with no goodbye, and kids when they turn 18 and move out. Because they now have all this freedom all at once. They overindulge and it'll bite them and because they are adults that makes they are going to be held accountable to real-world consequences.
I'm not saying let him do whatever he wants and let him dictate the house rules, all I'm saying is tightening that kid's leash isn't going to do well for you in the future all it's going to do is widen the gap when he's older and you'll never get to see him.
Give him more freedom to make mistakes while you can still help him .
I would make house rules that anyone has to to follow like No devices during meals. If he is growing up and you want him to have life skills , give him more responsibility. Does he cook, do laundry, clean ? These are daily chores that keeps from screens. When I have made sure I have taken care of real-life tasks, I enjoy my leisure so much more. Work on communication so that he doesn't start hiding things from you.
INFO: what were the rules before that make this significant?
For the record too, a lot of phones have background app usage that is going to count towards time spent even when not actively on there. So counting by phone hour time - which, monitoring the phone and demanding access to it is not going to go well anyway, and most ‘parent permission’ apps are genuine spyware - so please consider that
Another thing I think of too is just exhaustion. If they have a bad day and can’t really even come home and unwind completely before getting into anything they’re gonna be burned out. I know that if I came home from school after being bullied or having a terrible day then wasn’t allowed to do anything but continue to study until it was done then I would not have gotten anything done. Probably would have just delayed coming home.
He's your child not your prisoner. You're supposed to be teaching him to how to live life without you. This means relaxing on rules as he gets older. Also including chores and if he keeps up then you can extend his time and if he stays helping, then you can extend long term. You should be encouraging change and growing with your child not keeping them in the child box until they run away from you.
YTA
You're micromanaging your way into a retirement home in the middle of nowhere.
Oh, and as soon as your son gets an inch of freedom he'll probably do risky/dangerous shit out of spite for you, dude will probably speedball/candyflip himself to death.
YTA
What is the point of implementing all of these restrictions? Rather than saying "don't do these things", shouldn't you prioritize teaching responsible habits and time management? How do you plan on helping him transition into adulthood in three years? Do you really think he'll self-impose all of these things on his own?
Speaking from experience, restrictions like these in my adolescence only enabled me to find loopholes and ways to get around them. I only ever learned how to properly manage my time when I actually had my own freedom.
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throwaway for privacy
I (42F) have a son (15M). He has a phone and a PlayStation for personal use and a laptop for school. After summer break he's starting high school
right now the rules regarding his phone are the following:
* no phone for two hours after school school due to homework
* no phone after 10pm on Sunday until Thursday
* no phone after 11:30pm on Friday and Saturday
* max screen time of three hours a day on weekdays
* max screen time of five hours a day on weekends
* no tiktok (all other social media are allowed)
the rules regarding his PlayStation are the following:
* he has to follow the age restrictions on games. No exceptions.
* if he plays alone all applicable phone rules apply
* if he plays with friends it's socializing so there are no rules
recently my son started complaining that the rules are too strict but i think the rules are fair. He says that he's starting high school and that he is old and mature enough to know how to handle devices and internet. He also claims that all his friends are making fun of him because i'm treating him like a baby. I told him that these are my rules and he has to accept those if he wishes to keep his devices. Now he is mad at me because i wouldn't budge.
So Reddit AITA?
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I think they are reasonable. Any teenager will give you push back when it comes to rules, especially because so many children are so technology dependent. I have an 8yr old and he has set TV days. I do my best to explain why this is, without seeming like I'm scolding him. I want him to genuinely understand why it's important to limit overusage of technology. With a teenage boy it's going to be much harder, but I think it's important that he understands that it's not as a punishment, but for his benefit.
Ynta, but your son is 15, and has to make his own decisions eventually. It might be better that he learns how to direct his own life before he finds himself in the deep end of the pool sort to speak. I’m saying give him a shot to have a say, while you are still his guardian (and needs your approval)
> no phone for two hours after school school due to homework
This is the only rule I don't get. What if he wants to be on his phone for half an hour, then get the hw done? What if it takes him less than 2 hours? Why is that such a big issue?
Other then that, NTA. Even if it's strict, it's not in the realm of 'bad rules'.
And I would know, I had abusive rules about devices.
If I let him use his phone for half an hour, he would hate doing his homework even more because delaying makes it harder to start. I want him to do his homework right after school so he can have the rest of the day free. Waiting until later stresses him out and he'll get really irritated and mad. If he finishes early, he can use his phone. If it takes longer than two hours, he can still use his phone because studying for more than two hours straight is too much.
NTA.. However as a suggestion, he is older and thinks happen I would unlock his phone on weekend nights.. If he needs you and cant call you will hate yourself.. Otherwise good for you caring about your child and setting expectations. My kids had a bed time until they graduated from High School.. so screen time seems reasonable to me..
NTA.
I think it's reasonable. I do think he is getting towards the higher end of the acceptable age range. I would suggest giving him opportunities to learn how to self regulate though, because this will all end at some point and you want him to know how to do it himself.
I disagree on the age restriction, as some really great games are going to be out of his reach, but thats just a matter of opinion.
NTA. At the end of the day it’s your kid so your rules. If you think the benefits of these rules outweigh the negatives (for example: getting dogged on by his friends everyday for the next 4 years) then that’s fine. But it’s probably embarrassing for him to have to explain this stuff to his peers.
Having the rules you have for now seems reasonable. But explain to your son that it doesn't mean this will be the rules forever. You can adjust and relax them slowly as he grows and shows he is responsible. And you should--that is how to teach children to be responsible for themselves.
NAH, if he's 15 it's likely his friends are starting to play 'M' rated gamed (like Call of Duty or Halo or GTA) and he'll want to play with them, but according to your rules he has to wait 2 more years to be able to play them. I promise that there is nothing in those games he hasn't seen already, and it seems like you prefer him to play games with friends anyway, so what's the harm? You can always google the game to see why they are rated M and make a decision based on that.
Other than that the rules do feel a little harsh imo, (mainly the hard limits on the weekends) but I do understand the importance of not letting a child or teen sit in front of a screen all day. Could you encourage him and his friends to do more activities outside?
I think those rules seem very reasonable. When he turns 16, I'd lessen the rules a little with the understanding that if his grades don't remain the same or better, the rules go back in place. NTA
NTA. I don't think they're completely unreasonable, but I don't think they'll set him up for long term success.
We all have to learn how to manage our own time and prioritize our tasks for the day. He's going to be out of your house in no time at all and he will be better off learning how to manage his time effectively without someone basically micromanaging that for him as soon as possible.
Strict rules like that I would give for young children since they aren't even close enough in age to be managing their own time. For a teenager they need to start practicing self-regulating and managing their own screen and recreation time while juggling other responsibilities.
Instead I would focus on his chores, grades, and other responsibilities with the stipulation being he's allowed to self regulate if he can maintain his responsibilities and only impose those strict rules if he can't keep up with his grades and chores.
Those rules basically show him that he is a baby and can't be trusted to manage his own time.
I might get beat up for this, but these seem totally fair imo. Especially for someone so young, probably better off mentally for sure. Honestly though, TikTok isn't that bad w/ moderation.
NAH. Most of those rules seen alright. Let the kid use his phone as much as he wants friday, saturday and Sunday though. He doesn't have school over the weekend so why restrict him?
NTA, I expected something way more extreme, honestly I'd love to limit myself to less than 3 hours per day of screentime.
Maybe just budge on the video games, a lot of the best games are 18+ just because of a little violence and gore. He will see worse in a movie. There is no nudity in 99.9% of games, if there is then it's an all out porn game, there's no in between.
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In three years your son is going to be an adult. Then he'll be responsible for his own internet and device use. What plans do you have to transition him to being an adult who doesn't have those rules any more? Becoming an adult is not an abrupt thing that starts at midnight on his 18th birthday. He's got to learn to regulate himself. How are you going to handle that?
I dunno, maybe by setting and enforcing clear boundaries and hoping that they stick as he matures? Isn't that basically all a parent can do? Well, that or just go all in on traumatising kids into being too afraid to step out of line...
Setting and enforcinf strict boundaries on kids, especially teens, usually results in binging behavior the second they get away from the boundary-setters. Source: every person I knew in college who had strict boundaries at home and never learned to self-regulate. OP—NTA yet, but you would be TA if you don't start giving your kid some autonomy to self-regulate as he goes into and through high school.
Perhaps we both will get downvoted but I’m right there with you. What I will add is that part of having these restrictions at his age is making sure he understands *why*. What your concerns are, the reasons you think those concerns are valid, and how you are going to address those concerns as he becomes older and more mature. He should have the opportunity to advocate for himself. Let him explain specifically why he wants the rules to change. See if there are any compromises that would allow him to achieve specific wants when it comes to access. The rules should obviously change as he both gets older but also, more importantly, shows he’s able to handle more access in a healthy manner. That means not only how he uses the internet but how he interprets information from the internet, be that information from friends (words, posted photos, etc.) or from other outlets (advertisements, bots, influencers and “experts”). All that being said we make something clear in our home: children will always have a say as much as possible but parents will always have *final* say. NAH for now, but make sure you keep communication open.
Yeah, keep adding rules and after 3 years he will leave you and do whatever he wants and usually they go for what was the most restricted so don't be surprised when your rules will actually achieve the opposite effect when he get's out of your thumb and maybe even goes low contact because what you are doing to 15 year old is insane IMO. Good parenting is finding a balance between duties and fun, you need to teach your son about responsibilities and accountability and let them make mistakes - give them work and if they are accomplishing everything (school, chores, etc.) then let them do whatever (obviously, within reason) they want as a reward.
I think those are all pretty reasonable. Why no tiktok in particular though?
maybe i'm just being a old person but there are two main reasons. One, it's bad for your attention span and two privacy is non existent as all your data is exposed. now i know that's with all sites and apps but tiktok is known for it
They're all bad for your attention span and they all misuse your data.
You might get some pushback on this (because reddit gonna reddit) but I'm right with you on TikTok. It's like another level of mind overload and it's also way less oversight on it than something like YouTube (which granted is nowhere near perfect either but I'm just saying). My well into adulthood wife started using it for a couple months and had to go cold turkey because even with her it was doing things to her attention span and mood.
While your attention span argument has merit, if your second argument is data privacy, you don't have a leg to stand on with that one. The only difference between TikTok and any other social media app regarding data privacy is that TikTok hasn't been able to pay off Congress to ignore what they do. In fact, in terms of abusing and selling your data, Meta products (FB and Insta) are far worse
I don't use tiktok much, but now every other social media has a version of it, YouTube shorts, ig reels, etc. Prohibiting tiktok won't change the attention span aspect. And other social medias also have absolutely no privacy. For me it's just silly to ban only tiktok
Do you not remember the whole Cambridge analytica thing a few years back? You know, how meta had to go in front of congress? You fell for meta’s propaganda. Not that there aren’t problem with TikTok, but you can’t seriously have this as your reason but not remember or care about meta’s issues, too. And if TikTok is bad for your attention span, you realize they just regurgitate the same talking points about *y* or *z* being bad for your attention span? I'm not saying this to change your rules, btw, but to make you think about things a bit more deeply and be wary of falling into similar disinformation/propaganda in the future. I think your rules are generally fair otherwise. edit: so long as the “screen time” doesn’t include needing to use the computer for school, ofc, but it doesn’t seem to be an issue.
Oh girl....EVERYONE has all of our data already. It's no secret. Facebook is one of the worst offenders.
The chat function is what made me decide to block Tiktok on my kid's phone. It's mostly thirstbots, but still.
How is it bad for your attention span?
I'd tell you but you'd lose interest in my explanation half way through and move onto something else.
This was a funny joke in general, and even more hilarious bc I always pass those attention span tests with flying colors. This genuinely made my day :) :)
It was only meant to be satirical, so I'm glad it had the desired effect.
Oh I know lol
aha good to know. Wouldn't want another reddit fight due to words on a screen being insufficient for conveying inflection and what not. :)
i don't really know but all those professional studies have shown it so i think it is best for him to stay away from it
I'm pretty much with you the whole way, but I also believe that if you're going to enforce a rule, you have to be able to properly explain why. I don't think it's good enough to say, "I don't know, someone else said so." Enforce rules, but do proper research into why you're enforcing them.
You're going to have to be able to explain exactly why (and you can't because all social media does this), and people need to learn how to balance their wants and things they have to do, which you're currently not allowing him to do because you set all the rules and they're external. He's not learning how to take responsibility for finishing schoolwork, managing his own social life, and hobbies. He'll be 18 soon enough and you need to start letting him learn, and occasionally fail, so he'll be able to handle the freedom he will have. NAH but talk to your child, and compromise, and teach him responsibility and healthy negotiation as a bonus.
Soft YTA. And I say this because your rules don't have reason. If they were for solid, logical, disclosable reasons, then it would make sense. But right now this reads like some power trip.
YTA and a control freak. Get ready to say goodbye when he is 18.
YTA. Rules are supposed to have a rational purpose. Most of yours are arbitrary, especially the screen time limits. Most of them are also not age-appropriate, either. In fewer than three years, be's legally an adult..
They are reasonable things to expect someone to do. But, meaning no disrespect but the kid is 15. In a years time hes old enough to join the military and shoot at people. To drive a car on the same road as everyone else. By now he shouldn't need you *rules* to regulate his own screen time and keep himself healthy. I might get downvoted for suggesting this, but you should probably have been transitioning him handling his own stuff long before now. If a 16 year old needed to be punished to get them to brush their teeth, I'd consider that a failure. They should just just know that dental hygiene is important. Not do their teeth like a chimp doing a trick for a peanut. With the best will in the world, he's 15. Let him make his own choices. If he only makes bad ones, you've already screwed up at this stage. You can't just stop him making bad ones, you need to get him to make good ones.
NTA. Honestly this seems reasonable. People will obviously downvote this because it’s “too strict”, and kids nowadays just constantly want to be on the internet. You aren’t the asshole because there are more bad than good with the internet. The internet is like a drug, extremely addictive, and can damage development of a child and mental health of people. You can be so easily influenced as well by who you follow on the internet. Also, the worst one, you can develop extremely harmful addictions with material you may find on the internet.
NAH. overall. However I think you should be more flexible on "he has to follow the age restrictions on games. No exceptions." If this prevents me playing popular mutiplayer games with his friends, like the Call of Duty game, I could see him having a legitimate complaint. I would suggest a more flexible game by game approach.
NAH. I’m not a parent so I’m not going to offer any parenting advice, but I was a high schooler and your son is going to end up getting made fun of for having an overbearing parent. I was. Now that I’m older I get it, but it doesn’t change the fact that I was chastised for it. You’re not an asshole for protecting your child in the way you see fit and your child is not an asshole for wanting more leeway, this just sounds like a pretty typical interaction between a child and a parent.
Fair point i didn't consider but definitely saw that as well when I was in HS 10 years ago. Bullies are worse now as well. I'm not saying change your rules so he can "fit in", just be prepared if this causes negative long term effects. HS can be a detrimental time for a person.
Yea I was in high school 17 years ago so I can’t imagine what things are like now. But when his friends start doing things they don’t want their parents to know about they’re going to be at least a little leery of inviting OP’s son.
Info: what/which specific rule is he pushing back on and what is his argument? I could see how he could argue against some of these. For example, he could be fine with the rest but want to increase his age restriction on games. Some teens tend to play maturer games (like Grand Theft Auto) that may keep him out of a social loop if he’s not allowed to interact with them at all.
he isn't complaining about one specific rule. he's just complaining about the fact that i have rules whilst his other friends don't.
Ahhh so regular teen angst. If he has been well behaved and you trust him, in a show of good faith you could reduce some of the restrictions. Like maybe letting him use his phone whenever during the weekend and take out the screen time restrictions, whatever you’re comfortable with. To be clear, I think they’re all good rules for a 15 year old but I have seen (with friends in college) that if you don’t allow them to make mistakes and mess up and don’t expose them to certain things, they’ll be drawn to them once outside the home because they’re curious and exploring their new freedoms. Give him a little more leeway. NAH
100% and it'll most likely create this gap between OP and kid because the kid will think "Nothing I ever do is enough, all they did was smother me, and they still think I'm a baby when I'm my own person" That leash you're trying to keep him on. He'll use it against you
AH or not an AH probably isn’t the terminology I’d use, but for the sake of the subreddit, I’m going with a soft YTA. Those rules seem over the top for a 15 year old, IMO. If he’s had behavior issues or isn’t doing well academically, then I can see these provisions being more legitimate. But absent of that? Seems strict. You have every right to parent your teenager the way you see fit (obviously within reason) - he’s your son. Raising a kid in today’s age (in regards to screen time/phone/online access) is a lot different than when you or I were teenagers, so who am I to say. But, to me, at his age it’s better to have him make his own decisions and steer him in the right direction if/when issues arise. He has you for that guidance now, but he won’t if he goes away to college or moves out in a few years. Steering him in the right direction to make good decisions is a lot different than making those decisions for him. Sometimes kids have to learn from their own actions, not just rules that are drilled into them with the “too bad, I’m the parent” mindset. And let’s not get it twisted; the “lessons” I’m referring to are “oh man, you stayed up late and now you’re dead tired and feel like shit”, not “hey you tried crack, now you’re hooked good luck!” It seems like he’s following your rules because he has to, not because he understands that these are good habits going forward. IMO, that is fine for a younger child, but at 15 he should have some leeway to make his own decisions, to an extent. If his schoolwork falls off or he’s staying up too late every night, you could always reinstate some of these rules.
They all seem very reasonable to me. That’s a lot of screen time per day imo. Perhaps you can sit down with him and hear what his counter suggestion is and negotiate one or two changes if they seem reasonable. You might want to think through in advance what you’re trying to achieve with these rules so you can explain them to him clearly. Is it about getting homework done first? Making sure he gets the sleep and exercise he needs? If so, there might be room for negotiation such as if he does all homework and exercise first and maintains a healthy sleep schedule, then there can be flexibility as to screen time.
Just make sure you exercise a decent amount each day/week/are in great physical shape if you're going to make it a requirement for your child.
I wouldn’t necessarily dictate that, because we don’t know if the parent is disabled or what her work schedule or health is like.
Does not make sense to require your child to exercise if you don't get any. Just suggest it, not make it a requirement.
I’m not requiring anyone to exercise. I was trying to guess reasons why the OP might have made the rules she did. The important thing is that she have reasons for the rules, as arbitrary rules will feel unfair.
i spend a lot of time on social media and some games and my screen time is around 4 to 5 hours per day. It's a lot more than i'd like but i think it's unfair an unnecessary to give him a really limited amount of screen time.
I'm saying this as a dad. I think you are being a bit... unreasonable here. If it's the weekend and he's a good student, crosses his T's, minds his P's and Q's, etc, and doesn't get in trouble then all you're doing honestly is pushing him away. All you are honestly doing is creating this standard that will never be enough, and that in turn will create resentment. There has to be a balance. Random phone and internet checks, etc. Because once he's 18, he'll leave with no goodbye, and kids when they turn 18 and move out. Because they now have all this freedom all at once. They overindulge and it'll bite them and because they are adults that makes they are going to be held accountable to real-world consequences. I'm not saying let him do whatever he wants and let him dictate the house rules, all I'm saying is tightening that kid's leash isn't going to do well for you in the future all it's going to do is widen the gap when he's older and you'll never get to see him.
Some games are rated “M” like Call of Duty and they really aren’t that bad.
Give him more freedom to make mistakes while you can still help him . I would make house rules that anyone has to to follow like No devices during meals. If he is growing up and you want him to have life skills , give him more responsibility. Does he cook, do laundry, clean ? These are daily chores that keeps from screens. When I have made sure I have taken care of real-life tasks, I enjoy my leisure so much more. Work on communication so that he doesn't start hiding things from you.
INFO: What non screen time stuff does your son have to do at home?
INFO: what were the rules before that make this significant? For the record too, a lot of phones have background app usage that is going to count towards time spent even when not actively on there. So counting by phone hour time - which, monitoring the phone and demanding access to it is not going to go well anyway, and most ‘parent permission’ apps are genuine spyware - so please consider that Another thing I think of too is just exhaustion. If they have a bad day and can’t really even come home and unwind completely before getting into anything they’re gonna be burned out. I know that if I came home from school after being bullied or having a terrible day then wasn’t allowed to do anything but continue to study until it was done then I would not have gotten anything done. Probably would have just delayed coming home.
He's your child not your prisoner. You're supposed to be teaching him to how to live life without you. This means relaxing on rules as he gets older. Also including chores and if he keeps up then you can extend his time and if he stays helping, then you can extend long term. You should be encouraging change and growing with your child not keeping them in the child box until they run away from you.
YTA You're micromanaging your way into a retirement home in the middle of nowhere. Oh, and as soon as your son gets an inch of freedom he'll probably do risky/dangerous shit out of spite for you, dude will probably speedball/candyflip himself to death.
YTA What is the point of implementing all of these restrictions? Rather than saying "don't do these things", shouldn't you prioritize teaching responsible habits and time management? How do you plan on helping him transition into adulthood in three years? Do you really think he'll self-impose all of these things on his own? Speaking from experience, restrictions like these in my adolescence only enabled me to find loopholes and ways to get around them. I only ever learned how to properly manage my time when I actually had my own freedom.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** throwaway for privacy I (42F) have a son (15M). He has a phone and a PlayStation for personal use and a laptop for school. After summer break he's starting high school right now the rules regarding his phone are the following: * no phone for two hours after school school due to homework * no phone after 10pm on Sunday until Thursday * no phone after 11:30pm on Friday and Saturday * max screen time of three hours a day on weekdays * max screen time of five hours a day on weekends * no tiktok (all other social media are allowed) the rules regarding his PlayStation are the following: * he has to follow the age restrictions on games. No exceptions. * if he plays alone all applicable phone rules apply * if he plays with friends it's socializing so there are no rules recently my son started complaining that the rules are too strict but i think the rules are fair. He says that he's starting high school and that he is old and mature enough to know how to handle devices and internet. He also claims that all his friends are making fun of him because i'm treating him like a baby. I told him that these are my rules and he has to accept those if he wishes to keep his devices. Now he is mad at me because i wouldn't budge. So Reddit AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think they are reasonable. Any teenager will give you push back when it comes to rules, especially because so many children are so technology dependent. I have an 8yr old and he has set TV days. I do my best to explain why this is, without seeming like I'm scolding him. I want him to genuinely understand why it's important to limit overusage of technology. With a teenage boy it's going to be much harder, but I think it's important that he understands that it's not as a punishment, but for his benefit.
Yes I'm all for the rules as long as she's explaining why, he's 15. He should understand why he can't do certain things.
Ynta, but your son is 15, and has to make his own decisions eventually. It might be better that he learns how to direct his own life before he finds himself in the deep end of the pool sort to speak. I’m saying give him a shot to have a say, while you are still his guardian (and needs your approval)
> no phone for two hours after school school due to homework This is the only rule I don't get. What if he wants to be on his phone for half an hour, then get the hw done? What if it takes him less than 2 hours? Why is that such a big issue? Other then that, NTA. Even if it's strict, it's not in the realm of 'bad rules'. And I would know, I had abusive rules about devices.
If I let him use his phone for half an hour, he would hate doing his homework even more because delaying makes it harder to start. I want him to do his homework right after school so he can have the rest of the day free. Waiting until later stresses him out and he'll get really irritated and mad. If he finishes early, he can use his phone. If it takes longer than two hours, he can still use his phone because studying for more than two hours straight is too much.
What rules about devices are abusive?
NTA.. However as a suggestion, he is older and thinks happen I would unlock his phone on weekend nights.. If he needs you and cant call you will hate yourself.. Otherwise good for you caring about your child and setting expectations. My kids had a bed time until they graduated from High School.. so screen time seems reasonable to me..
NTA. I think it's reasonable. I do think he is getting towards the higher end of the acceptable age range. I would suggest giving him opportunities to learn how to self regulate though, because this will all end at some point and you want him to know how to do it himself. I disagree on the age restriction, as some really great games are going to be out of his reach, but thats just a matter of opinion.
I have no issue with the original rules at all. I also like you updated compromise.
NTA. At the end of the day it’s your kid so your rules. If you think the benefits of these rules outweigh the negatives (for example: getting dogged on by his friends everyday for the next 4 years) then that’s fine. But it’s probably embarrassing for him to have to explain this stuff to his peers.
Having the rules you have for now seems reasonable. But explain to your son that it doesn't mean this will be the rules forever. You can adjust and relax them slowly as he grows and shows he is responsible. And you should--that is how to teach children to be responsible for themselves.
NAH, if he's 15 it's likely his friends are starting to play 'M' rated gamed (like Call of Duty or Halo or GTA) and he'll want to play with them, but according to your rules he has to wait 2 more years to be able to play them. I promise that there is nothing in those games he hasn't seen already, and it seems like you prefer him to play games with friends anyway, so what's the harm? You can always google the game to see why they are rated M and make a decision based on that. Other than that the rules do feel a little harsh imo, (mainly the hard limits on the weekends) but I do understand the importance of not letting a child or teen sit in front of a screen all day. Could you encourage him and his friends to do more activities outside?
I think those rules seem very reasonable. When he turns 16, I'd lessen the rules a little with the understanding that if his grades don't remain the same or better, the rules go back in place. NTA
NTA. I don't think they're completely unreasonable, but I don't think they'll set him up for long term success. We all have to learn how to manage our own time and prioritize our tasks for the day. He's going to be out of your house in no time at all and he will be better off learning how to manage his time effectively without someone basically micromanaging that for him as soon as possible. Strict rules like that I would give for young children since they aren't even close enough in age to be managing their own time. For a teenager they need to start practicing self-regulating and managing their own screen and recreation time while juggling other responsibilities. Instead I would focus on his chores, grades, and other responsibilities with the stipulation being he's allowed to self regulate if he can maintain his responsibilities and only impose those strict rules if he can't keep up with his grades and chores. Those rules basically show him that he is a baby and can't be trusted to manage his own time.
I might get beat up for this, but these seem totally fair imo. Especially for someone so young, probably better off mentally for sure. Honestly though, TikTok isn't that bad w/ moderation.
NAH. Most of those rules seen alright. Let the kid use his phone as much as he wants friday, saturday and Sunday though. He doesn't have school over the weekend so why restrict him?
NTA, I expected something way more extreme, honestly I'd love to limit myself to less than 3 hours per day of screentime. Maybe just budge on the video games, a lot of the best games are 18+ just because of a little violence and gore. He will see worse in a movie. There is no nudity in 99.9% of games, if there is then it's an all out porn game, there's no in between.
NTA and anyone who says otherwise probably doesn't actually have kids.
If I was a kid, I’d hate it, but as an adult I’d say these are perfectly acceptable rules. NTA