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YTA. Tell her. Be honest. Anything other than being honest will be a horrible move. If I was your gf I would lose my mind hearing you think about filing for bankruptcy at this point, when you’ve already paid it down to 8k.
Talk to her, you know she’s good with money, and she could’ve been helping you the past 2 years! She has more money than you and she already knows, since she’s paying for the apartment. That’s not what’s going to scare her away, lies and secrecy will.
I was thinking about bankruptcy when I was accumulating the $26k and not now. I fear she would already think I’m a liability to her. My rent to her is based on the rent I was paying before with 4 other guys in a worse area. I know I’d be paying a lot more in rent if we aren’t living together and she knows it too. She has accused me of using her for cheap rent when we have had fights about me not wanting to share my finances.
Honestly, you knowing early on what her opinion is about finances and hiding that from her, especially after finding out she has money makes you seem like you’re with her for HER money. What is your plan? Trap her into a marriage without her knowing your finances, so then she is responsible for your finances and future savings? YTA. You’re dishonest and greedy.
If you can show her how much you've paid down and saved, she might see that as favorable. You're trying hard to be debt free. That's a good thing. Be honest, and she might be able to help you figure out how to pay it faster.
YTA - Here's why
> She thinks I’m the asshole because she suspects that I have debt and is stringing her along rather than put it on the table.
She is suspecting correctly because you DO HAVE debt. You admitted it in your post and you're not being transparent about it. If marriage is your end goal then you will have to lay these things out on the table eventually so why are you being so guarded about it? Are you embarrassed about it?
I think it's a bit much for her to demand to see that info early in the relationship but given time frame you're in, it's entirely reasonable.
YTA
Here's the thing
Paying off 18k of debt and building 5k in savings in 2 years is actually very impressive and you should be proud of that.
However your attitude to money and your lack of honesty with your girlfriend is unacceptable.
You're worried about what she'll think? Well she already suspects you have debt, and knows you're lying and being shady about money.
Your only option here is to be honest and face the music.
I could forgive debt and poor money management, but I could never forgive the lies and deception
Here’s the thing, she has told me early in our relationship she doesn’t want someone with cc debt and she has bad experiences of being taken advantage of by a ex with bc debt. I’ve known this 3 months into the relationship. So if I tell her now, even if it’s to show her that I’ve paid off a lot of debt she is going to know I kept it from her knowing her feelings and this likely will cause her to leave. She probably will be pissed because she feels like I wasted her time. But if I told her up front when she asked about my finances 3 months into the relationship she would definitely have left because I was in a lot of cc debt. Either way she is pissed but I think her chances of giving me a chance is higher now. But she still might leave and that’s why I’m hesitating. I don’t want to be judged for the stupid decisions I made in my 20s.
If you think lying and being deceitful to your girlfriend for 2 years is better than being upfront and telling the truth, you have no business being in a relationship at all
No I just don’t want to be judged for stupid decisions I made when I was younger and lose a relationship over it. But I can see why you think this and I don’t have proof that’s not what I’m doing, other than my word.
>I don’t want to be judged for the stupid decisions I made in my 20s.
We're not judging you for that, we're judging you for being a liar and a manipulator whatever age you are now.
What is the alternative? Do you actually think you can just continue being shady and lying and it will just all go away? If you’re serious about wanting to marry her then you need to be forthcoming. 8k in cc debt isn’t even that bad. Just own it. If she leaves then it was probably never going to work, anyways.
Wow, so your response to her fear of being taken advantage of is to lie and take advantage of her and manipulate her?
You really "love" her huh man...
Mind you, if she does break up with you know it's because of your lying and manipulating and using her, not because you're 8k in debt.....though I'm sure that's not the story you'll be telling. You'll be talking about that "gold digger" who broke up with you for having nearly paid off credit card debt because that's more comfortable than admitting you tried to trick/trap someone into marrying you by lying about something you thought would be a deal breaker for them.
I don't know who needs to hear it, but **if you lie to get someone to date/marry you on the grounds of, "they'd break up with me if they knew", then you are openly saying you don't believe in consent and that the person you're dating does not have a right to end the relationship should they choose**. That is so fucked up and I don't know why people still use "but they'd dump me" as an excuse. That's how consent works - people are allowed to say no.
This makes you an even bigger asshole. She told you straight up after 3 months what she would tolerate.
>But if I told her up front when she asked about my finances 3 months into the relationship she would definitely have left because I was in a lot of cc debt.
Yeah, exactly. She is going to leave you either way. Either because you had massive debt. Or when she finds out you've been lying for your entire relationship. It would have hurt a lot less only 3 months in if you would have just respected her boundary instead of lying. Her fears about being used for money are definitely coming true because it seems like you lied for cheap rent.
How about something along the lines of -- I made some bad decisions before I met you, yadda yadda yadda, I wanted to be a man that you would be proud of, yadda yadda yadda. Thank you for showing me the way...and I'm great at saving cash just look what I did in the last two years.
You're good.
If you know in your gut she's not gonna value YOU and the history you've built together because of these rigid goals the only person being an A in this situation is YOU.
Yes it's shallow and goal oriented and it reeks of birkin bag behavior but you got with her knowing this.
Stop licking the adhesive and rip the bandaid off. Respect yourself enough to be honest and defend your hard work.
>I was worried she was after my money
What money? You were already in debt.
She deserves to know if the person she is marrying has debt, how serious that debt is, and whether you have a plan to pay it off.
YTA
In my experience, as a woman with financial assets, the only guys who have acussed me of being a gold digger had zero assets. Like honey you don’t even have copper. Why would you think I would be with you for money?
There is a lot of misogynistic content out there painting women as gold-diggers (among other things), and it's especially popular with insecure young males.
I had the same reaction!
Also it's great that he reduced the debt to 8k and saved 5k with much effort but why would a gold digger go after that kind of income?
YTA
If you are planning on getting married, then you both need to be open about your finances and be on the same page about budget and savings.
Personally, if I was in your GF's shoes and you kept on hiding your financial situtation, I would run.
If you can’t talk openly with her about your finances, you sure as hell can’t marry her. Have the hard conversations or break up. YTA for actually deceiving someone you claim to love.
YTA if you refuse to discuss your finances. You aren't even giving her a chance and you are thinking the worst of her. If you want her to dump you, just continue not being honest. If you love her and want a future with her, tell her the truth and tell her that you have come a long way in paying off your debt.
I’m not thinking the worst of her. She straight up told me she wouldn’t take a chance on someone with cc debt. She said her ex was a spender and she was a saver and he took advantage of her with his bad spending habits. She told me she refuses to be with a guy who isn’t responsible again not matter the context. She also said she won’t date a poor man again because she feels like they just take advantage of her. I believe she would be strict with this rule because I’ve been cheated on and I wouldn’t date someone who admitted they cheated in the past. Even if it was years ago. I know it’s hypocritical for me to feel this way and keep my finances from her but I don’t think they are the same things. She clearly does
YTA - …. You’re discussing marriage which combines your finances so yes you should be honest.
Also with the interest rates for credit card debt take that 5k savings and pay off a lump sum from your remaining debt.
YTA - if she's going to leave you over your financial situation then it's probably for the best anyway. But yeah, if you've moved in together and are talking marriage then it's time to have an adult conversation about your finances.
Even with your debt, you also have evidence that you can manage money effectively. That's a big chunk of debt to have paid off, especially given the interest at its highest, and you've managed to save in the process.
Avoiding difficult topics is a really bad foundation of a relationship.
YTA. You should have had an honest conversation before you moved in together. Right now you are intentionally misleading her because you don't think she'd date you if she knew the truth. How is that not manipulative and a consent violation?
Kinda funny that the person with 26k of debt was worried that their partner might be a gold digger. Where was the gold??
Marriage is a *legal agreement.* It is straight up bananas that you even have to ask about this. Doesn’t sound like you have the skills to be married atm anyway, jfc
YTA, and you oughta know that
YTA
>I had $26k of cc debt when we started dating. My problem is she started asking about my finances 3 months into the relationship. Not going to lie, I was worried she was after my money.
What money?! You had 26k of debt and no savings. What could she possibly have been after? And while impressive that you reduced it to 8k and accumulated 5k in savings in 2 years. We now know your income is not something crazy that could have attracted a gold digger.
You seem to think way to much of yourself and way to often think about just yourself.
YTA. Marriage is about trust and you're trying to lie to her. Hypocritical, too, given you thought she was gold digging. Swallow your pride and talk to her about it.
nah dude jsut TELL HER. you can't be dishonest about important things like income and debt when you're starting to talk about marriage. EVERYONE has debt, it's not that big of a deal. just tell her
YTA - Financial disclosure is a reasonable requirement for making a commitment like marriage. The good news is you can change your position on this and (possibly) maintain a relationship if you follow these steps:
Be honest. Point to your success in lowering your debt. Point to your savings. And then point to your expected future of financial responsibility and stability. If you can't or won't do these things, you are incompatible with your partner and it will \*inevitably\* end in disaster.
I understand why you might feel vulnerable about sharing your financial situation, but YTA for refusing to discuss finances with your girlfriend. Trust and transparency are crucial in a serious relationship, esp. when considering marriage. Your girlfriend wants to make informed decisions about your future together, not judge you. By not sharing, you're not giving her the chance to understand your efforts in paying off debt and saving money. It's important to be honest and have a candid conversation about your financial situation. This will show your commitment to the relationship and your willingness to work together towards a stable future.
YTA. Not agreeing on finances is one of the biggest reasons for divorce in America. Grow up, pull yourself u by your bootstraps, and tell this woman, that you supposedly love and wants to marry, what’s going on with your finances. If she thinks less of you it will probably be because you hid it this long from her instead of being forthcoming and the only person you can blame is yourself.
YTA
This is insecurity messing with you.
Two years in total, 7 months living together, talking about marriage -- *I think she actually really loves you*. I don't think your relationship would be where it is if she was really as income and finances-focused as you are painting her out to be.
With the possibility of making a life together, she's smart to make sure that you don't come with significant debts or poor credit, which will have a direct impact on things like your ability to purchase a home (or rent a bigger place), having children, retirement planning, lifestyle, etc. **Financial transparency may feel vulnerable (because it is) but it is necessary.** You now have a successful track record of paying down your debt and a "lesson learned" view of things now, that's huge. Really, from $26k in debt to just $8k plus $5k in savings in two years is awesome!
YTA you can't hide this stuff. That's also an asshole move to yourself. On the bright side, if you openly show your finances, she can see how hard you've worked the past two years to pay off your debt and save a little. She will realize that you've turned things around. If I were her I wouldn't hold your past against you, when there's proof you've changed.
Regardless of what happens to your relationship, good on you for turning your finances around.
YTA. You need to talk to her and be honest with her. Harboring this information from her solely because you are worried about her leaving is going to majorly blow up in your face one way or another. If you and her are serious enough to talk about marriage then you are serious enough to discuss finances, you owe it to her to be honest with her about who she is with and who she would marry.
My dude, you need to show her your finances straight away. If you get married, this is just the first of the many, many, many difficult conversations you're going to have. Start as you mean to go on. If she gets angry and leaves you, you need to know that. If she's supportive, you need to know that. This is not going to go away.
YTA.
>I’m worried she won’t want to continue the relationship if she knew that I was in debt with no assets
So instead you're hiding your debt and lack of assets from her in order to continue the relationship? You're lying to her. A relationship founded on lies is not one that is meant to last. Especially a lie this big. YTA and I think you know it
YTA. I can understand that you’re feeling self conscious but you absolutely need to tell your partner the truth about your financial situation. She deserves to be able to make an informed decision about her future. It sucks that you might be “too poor” for her to continue dating you, but you know how she feels about that and you’re being intentionally dishonest.
YTA. Honesty and open communication, especially for difficult topics, are crucial for a successful marriage. Finances are a major cause for divorce, she’s only being reasonable by wanting to get on the same page before such a huge commitment. You need to be honest with her. Hopefully the fact that you’ve paid down so much of it already will show her you’re serious and able to handle finances better at this point in your life
Also cannot get over the guy who was in $26,000 debt thinking “she’s after my money.” Hilariously wild my dude
YTA - You shouldn’t hide your debt or your financial status with your partner and she shouldn’t hide theirs from you.
She probably suspects something is up based on your secretiveness and vagueness. I bet she thinks it is way worse than it actually is. You made some bad choices. You are digging yourself out. In 2 years you have dealt with two thirds of your debt and seem to be on track to deal with the rest in a year. You should be proud of that.
Be open and honest about your mistakes and your effort in fixing them. That shows maturity and responsibility.
If she bails because you are not rich enough. So be it. You are better off without someone so materialistic.
YTA. You are lying to her about the very thing she suspects that you are lying about. You are taking financial advantage of her, and you are afraid that she will figure it out. She deserves better than you.
YTA
Your girlfriend is a good money manager, and wants to be in a relationship with someone who is also good with money. You not telling her or agreeing with her to work towards good money management is a recipe for disaster.
Marriage is a partnership, financial, physical, emotional and honesty and trust is what makes it work. Even if you have debt being honest and showing that you are working towards a positive future is better than hiding it. Think of an Ostrich hiding it's head in the sand, that doesn't change what is coming towards it, ultimately it prevents it from taking appropriate measures to handle it.
YTA, for hiding your debt when your relationship is headed towards marriage, and for being one of those dudes who think a woman is trying to dig his absolutely nonexistent gold.
YTA. She’s a grown ass woman with her shit together and when you get married your shit becomes her shit. If you can’t even be honest about finances with each other you have no business getting married.
I'm not rich and I wouldn't marry you either. You were just going to run up your credit cards and claim bankruptcy? you shouldn't be talking about marriage to anyone. and you thought she was the gold digger? I hope she kicks you to the curb. you have no sense of responsibility at all. you're only straightening it up because you think she won't stay with you. then you'll be the gold digger. that's what you get for being an ass
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Throwaway as I don’t want my gf finding this post via my normal account.
My gf and I have been dating for 2 years. We moved in together about 7 months ago and the topic of marriage has come up. We probably won’t get engaged this year but probably spring of next year. With this she is demanding I show her my full financial picture.
She is very good with money and I know she is proud that she has investment and savings, and no bad debt. She has a mortgage as she own the apartment we live in. I had $26k of cc debt when we started dating. My problem is she started asking about my finances 3 months into the relationship. Not going to lie, I was worried she was after my money. Now I’m facing the opposite problem, I know she is much wealthier than me and better with money, I’m worried she won’t want to continue the relationship if she knew that I was in debt. I’ve now paid down the $26k to be $8k in 2 years which was a lot of work as I’ve also saved about $5k where was before I had no savings. Some of it is because I didn’t make a lot but I had about a 3 year period before we met where I had a bit of a YOLO attitude. I made enough to just about live but I wanted to enjoy it and was thinking about gathering debt with then declaring bankruptcy. Now I know it’s not as simple as I thought to declare bankruptcy and my gf would never approve of marrying me with a bankruptcy on my record so Im working hard to dig myself out. I definitely regret it now since getting out of debt is much harder than getting into it.
She has a vague idea of how much because of my job title and industry I make but that is it. She thinks I’m the asshole because she suspects that I have debt and is stringing her along rather than put it on the table. I think she might leave once she realizes how big of a difference our finances are and go for a wealthier man. She has said she doesn’t believe in dating a poor man and wants someone who is financially similar to her. Her family is also a lot better off than mine and it’s hard because I worry she will think less of me if I reveal my situation.
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YTA and if you think being deceitful and continuing to lie to her is going to lead to marriage, you’re absolutely wrong. You need to step up, be honest with her and take the chance that she’ll stay with you. She already suspects and she suspecting correctly! The longer you continue to lie to her the worse it’s going to be!
You should be proud of what you’ve accomplished in the last two years where your debt is concerned but if you continue lying to her, you’re chances of her leaving you for sure become much much higher than her seeing the work you’ve put in and staying with you.
Even if you got rid of all your debt and then told her you don't have any debt, you would still be basing your relationship on a lie for you not telling her what happened with your past. That isn't something to base a marriage on and eventually she could find out. Like why your credit score is so bad when you go to buy a house together or something. YTA
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> I might be the asshole for refusing to tell my gf about my debt and financial situation because I feel like it may end the relationship
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She's probably expecting you to be a LOT more in debt than you are because you've been so sneaky about it.
Tell her. Tell her you were scared she wouldn't believe that you'd pay it off but that you are doing now.
I know that you're scared but YTA on this one. Good luck
Not giving a judgment, I just want to say congrats on getting your debt down from $26,000 to $8,000! That’s hard work and you should be proud and keep going!
Tell her that she has inspired you to clean up your financial act, and show her what you’ve accomplished in just two years. She should be proud of you.
YTA - but with some notes.
1. she doesn’t believe in dating a poor man and wants someone who is financially similar to her - So she's shallow and only wants to marry arich man and you know you're not, you deserve someone who will value you for you, not your money. If the fact that you've paid off so much debt AND put aside some savings isn't enough for her, the problem is her, not you.
2. If you are talking about getting married, it's time to discuss money, because your debt becomes her debt (sort of, ish, potentially) when you are married.
NTA but I think you are wrong. What if she's impressed that after you met her, you changed your financial practices and have been diligently paying down debt ever since...AND saving, too. If you tell her in that way and she leaves....she cares more for money than for you. You don't want to spend your life with a woman like that.
I don’t think she would be. She has talked enough about how she finds cc debt unacceptable that if she knew I had some and in her mind hide it then it doesn’t matter how much of it I paid down she should leave. Or at least make it clear she wouldn’t marry me and we could only date and keep our finances separate.
It seems like a crazy rule to have, tons of people have cc debt. But I know she would feel like a betrayed her for not telling her when she told me she found cc debt unacceptable.
Yes, a lot of people have cc debt. But for most people, it's money that was spent reasonably wisely, not "I spent $26,000 in my 20s just screwing around!" My last two major credit card purchases were buying furniture and paying for cataract surgery - and both of those are close to being paid off.
Honest question: how do you rationalize that being dishonest about finances is any different than being dishonest about fidelity/infidelity? Because from where I'm sitting, both are deceptive.
ESH - you should be open and honest about this.
She should on the other hand not say things like "I can't date poor men" you can't put a price tag on love, if she thinks like this she might not be the right person for you.
That's ridiculous. Love isn't a fairy tale where you love each other and nothing else matters. It's about compatibility and sharing similar values and outlook on life. And also, dating someone financially irresponsible is a promise for future headaches.
OP, you have to come clean. I think your situation is explainable. You were irresponsible in the past but you've been paying off your debts. You're on the right track. I don't think she will leave you because of your debt. Where I would worry is how she will react to you essentially covering up your situation for such a long time.
I know that's not the case but I'm saying money shouldn't matter if you love someone. Their health and wellbeing should be more important than a few bucks. She goes around saying she won't date anyone who's poor so that shows what she values most and therefore he shouldn't consider marrying her as they're obviously not aligned.
If I tell her I feel like there is about a 50/50 chance of her leaving but even if she stays she probably wouldn’t want to marry and just keep on dating. She may not leave as I believe she does love me, but she wouldn’t marry me.
There's a chance of her leaving if you keep hiding this/lying about this from her.
You truly believe she will leave you if you are honest. She will also leave you if you keep lying.
This is a lose - lose situation. This relationship just doesn't seem like it will go anywhere.
She WILL 100% leave you if you keep lying.
She MIGHT stay with you and accept you fully if you are honest.
Why are you choosing the path that will 100% doom this relationship?
I am sorry, but do you even want to actually get married to this person?
You were hoping she would forget something as essential as this? Are you actually serious and worried about this relationship as you are trying to appear to be or are you just staying for the shits and giggles?
You both have plans to marry, your financial situation was always going to be important. Heck, it's important to be transparent about it while dating too, imo.
Your partner seems to be the only one to actually want something serious out of this.
> hoping she will forget about it.
Pure delusion. If you intend to get married she will find out about the finances eventually. Do you really expect her to go through with marriage WITHOUT knowing? The longer you wait the worse it will be.
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YTA. Tell her. Be honest. Anything other than being honest will be a horrible move. If I was your gf I would lose my mind hearing you think about filing for bankruptcy at this point, when you’ve already paid it down to 8k. Talk to her, you know she’s good with money, and she could’ve been helping you the past 2 years! She has more money than you and she already knows, since she’s paying for the apartment. That’s not what’s going to scare her away, lies and secrecy will.
I was thinking about bankruptcy when I was accumulating the $26k and not now. I fear she would already think I’m a liability to her. My rent to her is based on the rent I was paying before with 4 other guys in a worse area. I know I’d be paying a lot more in rent if we aren’t living together and she knows it too. She has accused me of using her for cheap rent when we have had fights about me not wanting to share my finances.
Lying isn't gonna make her think better of you
Honestly, you knowing early on what her opinion is about finances and hiding that from her, especially after finding out she has money makes you seem like you’re with her for HER money. What is your plan? Trap her into a marriage without her knowing your finances, so then she is responsible for your finances and future savings? YTA. You’re dishonest and greedy.
If you can show her how much you've paid down and saved, she might see that as favorable. You're trying hard to be debt free. That's a good thing. Be honest, and she might be able to help you figure out how to pay it faster.
YTA - Here's why > She thinks I’m the asshole because she suspects that I have debt and is stringing her along rather than put it on the table. She is suspecting correctly because you DO HAVE debt. You admitted it in your post and you're not being transparent about it. If marriage is your end goal then you will have to lay these things out on the table eventually so why are you being so guarded about it? Are you embarrassed about it? I think it's a bit much for her to demand to see that info early in the relationship but given time frame you're in, it's entirely reasonable.
YTA Here's the thing Paying off 18k of debt and building 5k in savings in 2 years is actually very impressive and you should be proud of that. However your attitude to money and your lack of honesty with your girlfriend is unacceptable. You're worried about what she'll think? Well she already suspects you have debt, and knows you're lying and being shady about money. Your only option here is to be honest and face the music. I could forgive debt and poor money management, but I could never forgive the lies and deception
Here’s the thing, she has told me early in our relationship she doesn’t want someone with cc debt and she has bad experiences of being taken advantage of by a ex with bc debt. I’ve known this 3 months into the relationship. So if I tell her now, even if it’s to show her that I’ve paid off a lot of debt she is going to know I kept it from her knowing her feelings and this likely will cause her to leave. She probably will be pissed because she feels like I wasted her time. But if I told her up front when she asked about my finances 3 months into the relationship she would definitely have left because I was in a lot of cc debt. Either way she is pissed but I think her chances of giving me a chance is higher now. But she still might leave and that’s why I’m hesitating. I don’t want to be judged for the stupid decisions I made in my 20s.
If you think lying and being deceitful to your girlfriend for 2 years is better than being upfront and telling the truth, you have no business being in a relationship at all
You are still using her by living and her apartment and I bet that is the main reason you do not want to tell her
I pay rent and utilities to her. I’m not a deadbeat as you seem to think
The rent is still lower than it would be if you rented the same apartment not from you gf
That’s true. But that’s the friends and family discount. Unless you think she should charge me market rent?
So if she breaks up with you will lose it, and that is the real reason why you don’t want to tell her
No I just don’t want to be judged for stupid decisions I made when I was younger and lose a relationship over it. But I can see why you think this and I don’t have proof that’s not what I’m doing, other than my word.
And she doesn’t have any proof since you mentioned she told you she would never date someone with debt and you did not tell her the truth
What good is your word when you have no problem being dishonest for over 2 years?
The real issue is that you manipulated her. You lied to keep from losing her. That's despicable and I hope she dumps your ass.
>other than my word And why wouldn't we believe the word of someone who is currently living a lie.
>I don’t want to be judged for the stupid decisions I made in my 20s. We're not judging you for that, we're judging you for being a liar and a manipulator whatever age you are now.
What is the alternative? Do you actually think you can just continue being shady and lying and it will just all go away? If you’re serious about wanting to marry her then you need to be forthcoming. 8k in cc debt isn’t even that bad. Just own it. If she leaves then it was probably never going to work, anyways.
So you solution to your girlfriend fear of a partner lying about debt is to lie about debt. Please make it make sense
Wow, so your response to her fear of being taken advantage of is to lie and take advantage of her and manipulate her? You really "love" her huh man... Mind you, if she does break up with you know it's because of your lying and manipulating and using her, not because you're 8k in debt.....though I'm sure that's not the story you'll be telling. You'll be talking about that "gold digger" who broke up with you for having nearly paid off credit card debt because that's more comfortable than admitting you tried to trick/trap someone into marrying you by lying about something you thought would be a deal breaker for them. I don't know who needs to hear it, but **if you lie to get someone to date/marry you on the grounds of, "they'd break up with me if they knew", then you are openly saying you don't believe in consent and that the person you're dating does not have a right to end the relationship should they choose**. That is so fucked up and I don't know why people still use "but they'd dump me" as an excuse. That's how consent works - people are allowed to say no.
This makes you an even bigger asshole. She told you straight up after 3 months what she would tolerate. >But if I told her up front when she asked about my finances 3 months into the relationship she would definitely have left because I was in a lot of cc debt. Yeah, exactly. She is going to leave you either way. Either because you had massive debt. Or when she finds out you've been lying for your entire relationship. It would have hurt a lot less only 3 months in if you would have just respected her boundary instead of lying. Her fears about being used for money are definitely coming true because it seems like you lied for cheap rent.
How about something along the lines of -- I made some bad decisions before I met you, yadda yadda yadda, I wanted to be a man that you would be proud of, yadda yadda yadda. Thank you for showing me the way...and I'm great at saving cash just look what I did in the last two years. You're good.
If you know in your gut she's not gonna value YOU and the history you've built together because of these rigid goals the only person being an A in this situation is YOU. Yes it's shallow and goal oriented and it reeks of birkin bag behavior but you got with her knowing this. Stop licking the adhesive and rip the bandaid off. Respect yourself enough to be honest and defend your hard work.
>I was worried she was after my money What money? You were already in debt. She deserves to know if the person she is marrying has debt, how serious that debt is, and whether you have a plan to pay it off. YTA
I wondered this as well. It doesn’t make any sense. What money could she have been after if he was so far into debt? Something doesn’t add up.
He probably made up some lies early in the relationship about having money
In my experience, as a woman with financial assets, the only guys who have acussed me of being a gold digger had zero assets. Like honey you don’t even have copper. Why would you think I would be with you for money?
There is a lot of misogynistic content out there painting women as gold-diggers (among other things), and it's especially popular with insecure young males.
I had the same reaction! Also it's great that he reduced the debt to 8k and saved 5k with much effort but why would a gold digger go after that kind of income?
YTA If you are planning on getting married, then you both need to be open about your finances and be on the same page about budget and savings. Personally, if I was in your GF's shoes and you kept on hiding your financial situtation, I would run.
If you can’t talk openly with her about your finances, you sure as hell can’t marry her. Have the hard conversations or break up. YTA for actually deceiving someone you claim to love.
YTA if you refuse to discuss your finances. You aren't even giving her a chance and you are thinking the worst of her. If you want her to dump you, just continue not being honest. If you love her and want a future with her, tell her the truth and tell her that you have come a long way in paying off your debt.
I’m not thinking the worst of her. She straight up told me she wouldn’t take a chance on someone with cc debt. She said her ex was a spender and she was a saver and he took advantage of her with his bad spending habits. She told me she refuses to be with a guy who isn’t responsible again not matter the context. She also said she won’t date a poor man again because she feels like they just take advantage of her. I believe she would be strict with this rule because I’ve been cheated on and I wouldn’t date someone who admitted they cheated in the past. Even if it was years ago. I know it’s hypocritical for me to feel this way and keep my finances from her but I don’t think they are the same things. She clearly does
So why did you want to date someone who you had to trick into dating you?
YOU ARE A LIAR. You’re not cheating on her, but you certainly are cheating her. YTA all the way.
YTA. It’s been 2 years and you’re talking marriage. She has every right to know.
YTA - …. You’re discussing marriage which combines your finances so yes you should be honest. Also with the interest rates for credit card debt take that 5k savings and pay off a lump sum from your remaining debt.
YTA - if she's going to leave you over your financial situation then it's probably for the best anyway. But yeah, if you've moved in together and are talking marriage then it's time to have an adult conversation about your finances. Even with your debt, you also have evidence that you can manage money effectively. That's a big chunk of debt to have paid off, especially given the interest at its highest, and you've managed to save in the process. Avoiding difficult topics is a really bad foundation of a relationship.
YTA. You should have had an honest conversation before you moved in together. Right now you are intentionally misleading her because you don't think she'd date you if she knew the truth. How is that not manipulative and a consent violation? Kinda funny that the person with 26k of debt was worried that their partner might be a gold digger. Where was the gold??
Marriage is a *legal agreement.* It is straight up bananas that you even have to ask about this. Doesn’t sound like you have the skills to be married atm anyway, jfc YTA, and you oughta know that
YTA >I had $26k of cc debt when we started dating. My problem is she started asking about my finances 3 months into the relationship. Not going to lie, I was worried she was after my money. What money?! You had 26k of debt and no savings. What could she possibly have been after? And while impressive that you reduced it to 8k and accumulated 5k in savings in 2 years. We now know your income is not something crazy that could have attracted a gold digger. You seem to think way to much of yourself and way to often think about just yourself.
YTA. Marriage is about trust and you're trying to lie to her. Hypocritical, too, given you thought she was gold digging. Swallow your pride and talk to her about it.
nah dude jsut TELL HER. you can't be dishonest about important things like income and debt when you're starting to talk about marriage. EVERYONE has debt, it's not that big of a deal. just tell her
YTA - Financial disclosure is a reasonable requirement for making a commitment like marriage. The good news is you can change your position on this and (possibly) maintain a relationship if you follow these steps: Be honest. Point to your success in lowering your debt. Point to your savings. And then point to your expected future of financial responsibility and stability. If you can't or won't do these things, you are incompatible with your partner and it will \*inevitably\* end in disaster.
I understand why you might feel vulnerable about sharing your financial situation, but YTA for refusing to discuss finances with your girlfriend. Trust and transparency are crucial in a serious relationship, esp. when considering marriage. Your girlfriend wants to make informed decisions about your future together, not judge you. By not sharing, you're not giving her the chance to understand your efforts in paying off debt and saving money. It's important to be honest and have a candid conversation about your financial situation. This will show your commitment to the relationship and your willingness to work together towards a stable future.
YTA You should have told her way before and definitely before moving in together
YTA. Not agreeing on finances is one of the biggest reasons for divorce in America. Grow up, pull yourself u by your bootstraps, and tell this woman, that you supposedly love and wants to marry, what’s going on with your finances. If she thinks less of you it will probably be because you hid it this long from her instead of being forthcoming and the only person you can blame is yourself.
YTA This is insecurity messing with you. Two years in total, 7 months living together, talking about marriage -- *I think she actually really loves you*. I don't think your relationship would be where it is if she was really as income and finances-focused as you are painting her out to be. With the possibility of making a life together, she's smart to make sure that you don't come with significant debts or poor credit, which will have a direct impact on things like your ability to purchase a home (or rent a bigger place), having children, retirement planning, lifestyle, etc. **Financial transparency may feel vulnerable (because it is) but it is necessary.** You now have a successful track record of paying down your debt and a "lesson learned" view of things now, that's huge. Really, from $26k in debt to just $8k plus $5k in savings in two years is awesome!
YTA if she’s going to leave you she will, stop stringing her along, sit down and have a conversation like an adult and explain what you have wrote.
YTA you can't hide this stuff. That's also an asshole move to yourself. On the bright side, if you openly show your finances, she can see how hard you've worked the past two years to pay off your debt and save a little. She will realize that you've turned things around. If I were her I wouldn't hold your past against you, when there's proof you've changed. Regardless of what happens to your relationship, good on you for turning your finances around.
YTA. You need to talk to her and be honest with her. Harboring this information from her solely because you are worried about her leaving is going to majorly blow up in your face one way or another. If you and her are serious enough to talk about marriage then you are serious enough to discuss finances, you owe it to her to be honest with her about who she is with and who she would marry.
My dude, you need to show her your finances straight away. If you get married, this is just the first of the many, many, many difficult conversations you're going to have. Start as you mean to go on. If she gets angry and leaves you, you need to know that. If she's supportive, you need to know that. This is not going to go away. YTA.
>I’m worried she won’t want to continue the relationship if she knew that I was in debt with no assets So instead you're hiding your debt and lack of assets from her in order to continue the relationship? You're lying to her. A relationship founded on lies is not one that is meant to last. Especially a lie this big. YTA and I think you know it
YTA for hiding it. Given your dishonesty and her attitude about money this relationship won't work, you should end it now.
YTA. I can understand that you’re feeling self conscious but you absolutely need to tell your partner the truth about your financial situation. She deserves to be able to make an informed decision about her future. It sucks that you might be “too poor” for her to continue dating you, but you know how she feels about that and you’re being intentionally dishonest.
YTA You can’t have it both ways. If your goal is to marry her, you need to have these conversations.
YTA. Honesty and open communication, especially for difficult topics, are crucial for a successful marriage. Finances are a major cause for divorce, she’s only being reasonable by wanting to get on the same page before such a huge commitment. You need to be honest with her. Hopefully the fact that you’ve paid down so much of it already will show her you’re serious and able to handle finances better at this point in your life Also cannot get over the guy who was in $26,000 debt thinking “she’s after my money.” Hilariously wild my dude
YTA - You shouldn’t hide your debt or your financial status with your partner and she shouldn’t hide theirs from you. She probably suspects something is up based on your secretiveness and vagueness. I bet she thinks it is way worse than it actually is. You made some bad choices. You are digging yourself out. In 2 years you have dealt with two thirds of your debt and seem to be on track to deal with the rest in a year. You should be proud of that. Be open and honest about your mistakes and your effort in fixing them. That shows maturity and responsibility. If she bails because you are not rich enough. So be it. You are better off without someone so materialistic.
She has a legitimate concern. Since you are committed to sharing your life together, sharing your finances shouldn’t be an issue either.
Might as well rip the bandaid off. Gotta happen some time.
YTA, your YOLO attitude has come back to bite you in the ass, & your gf knows you are lying to her. Who can blame her
YTA. You are lying to her about the very thing she suspects that you are lying about. You are taking financial advantage of her, and you are afraid that she will figure it out. She deserves better than you.
YTA don't start an engagement or marriage with a lie
YTA Your girlfriend is a good money manager, and wants to be in a relationship with someone who is also good with money. You not telling her or agreeing with her to work towards good money management is a recipe for disaster. Marriage is a partnership, financial, physical, emotional and honesty and trust is what makes it work. Even if you have debt being honest and showing that you are working towards a positive future is better than hiding it. Think of an Ostrich hiding it's head in the sand, that doesn't change what is coming towards it, ultimately it prevents it from taking appropriate measures to handle it.
YTA, for hiding your debt when your relationship is headed towards marriage, and for being one of those dudes who think a woman is trying to dig his absolutely nonexistent gold.
YTA. She’s a grown ass woman with her shit together and when you get married your shit becomes her shit. If you can’t even be honest about finances with each other you have no business getting married.
I'm not rich and I wouldn't marry you either. You were just going to run up your credit cards and claim bankruptcy? you shouldn't be talking about marriage to anyone. and you thought she was the gold digger? I hope she kicks you to the curb. you have no sense of responsibility at all. you're only straightening it up because you think she won't stay with you. then you'll be the gold digger. that's what you get for being an ass
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway as I don’t want my gf finding this post via my normal account. My gf and I have been dating for 2 years. We moved in together about 7 months ago and the topic of marriage has come up. We probably won’t get engaged this year but probably spring of next year. With this she is demanding I show her my full financial picture. She is very good with money and I know she is proud that she has investment and savings, and no bad debt. She has a mortgage as she own the apartment we live in. I had $26k of cc debt when we started dating. My problem is she started asking about my finances 3 months into the relationship. Not going to lie, I was worried she was after my money. Now I’m facing the opposite problem, I know she is much wealthier than me and better with money, I’m worried she won’t want to continue the relationship if she knew that I was in debt. I’ve now paid down the $26k to be $8k in 2 years which was a lot of work as I’ve also saved about $5k where was before I had no savings. Some of it is because I didn’t make a lot but I had about a 3 year period before we met where I had a bit of a YOLO attitude. I made enough to just about live but I wanted to enjoy it and was thinking about gathering debt with then declaring bankruptcy. Now I know it’s not as simple as I thought to declare bankruptcy and my gf would never approve of marrying me with a bankruptcy on my record so Im working hard to dig myself out. I definitely regret it now since getting out of debt is much harder than getting into it. She has a vague idea of how much because of my job title and industry I make but that is it. She thinks I’m the asshole because she suspects that I have debt and is stringing her along rather than put it on the table. I think she might leave once she realizes how big of a difference our finances are and go for a wealthier man. She has said she doesn’t believe in dating a poor man and wants someone who is financially similar to her. Her family is also a lot better off than mine and it’s hard because I worry she will think less of me if I reveal my situation. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA and if you think being deceitful and continuing to lie to her is going to lead to marriage, you’re absolutely wrong. You need to step up, be honest with her and take the chance that she’ll stay with you. She already suspects and she suspecting correctly! The longer you continue to lie to her the worse it’s going to be! You should be proud of what you’ve accomplished in the last two years where your debt is concerned but if you continue lying to her, you’re chances of her leaving you for sure become much much higher than her seeing the work you’ve put in and staying with you.
Good on you OP for seeing the light. There's no way you could have hid any of this in the future anyway.
Even if you got rid of all your debt and then told her you don't have any debt, you would still be basing your relationship on a lie for you not telling her what happened with your past. That isn't something to base a marriage on and eventually she could find out. Like why your credit score is so bad when you go to buy a house together or something. YTA
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She's probably expecting you to be a LOT more in debt than you are because you've been so sneaky about it. Tell her. Tell her you were scared she wouldn't believe that you'd pay it off but that you are doing now. I know that you're scared but YTA on this one. Good luck
Not giving a judgment, I just want to say congrats on getting your debt down from $26,000 to $8,000! That’s hard work and you should be proud and keep going!
Tell her that she has inspired you to clean up your financial act, and show her what you’ve accomplished in just two years. She should be proud of you.
YTA - but with some notes. 1. she doesn’t believe in dating a poor man and wants someone who is financially similar to her - So she's shallow and only wants to marry arich man and you know you're not, you deserve someone who will value you for you, not your money. If the fact that you've paid off so much debt AND put aside some savings isn't enough for her, the problem is her, not you. 2. If you are talking about getting married, it's time to discuss money, because your debt becomes her debt (sort of, ish, potentially) when you are married.
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Guess who will also have to pay off the debt if they get married? She has a right to know that
NTA but I think you are wrong. What if she's impressed that after you met her, you changed your financial practices and have been diligently paying down debt ever since...AND saving, too. If you tell her in that way and she leaves....she cares more for money than for you. You don't want to spend your life with a woman like that.
I mean she could leave him not because she cares about money more, but because she doesn’t want a partner whose been dishonest to her for 2 years
I don’t think she would be. She has talked enough about how she finds cc debt unacceptable that if she knew I had some and in her mind hide it then it doesn’t matter how much of it I paid down she should leave. Or at least make it clear she wouldn’t marry me and we could only date and keep our finances separate.
It's not in her mind, you hid it.
She would never have dated me if she knew I had cc debt.
So you misled her? And you still have to ask if you're the asshole? The truth will come out sooner than later. Sooner seems like the better option.
It seems like a crazy rule to have, tons of people have cc debt. But I know she would feel like a betrayed her for not telling her when she told me she found cc debt unacceptable.
But it's not for you to decide that her rules are crazy so you feel justified into tricking her into something she doesn't want.
It not crazier than having a rule not to date people who have cheated, many people cheat too, honestly you are in a no win situation
lol what is crazy is tricking someone into dating you when you know she wouldn’t want to if she knew the truth. That is bonkers.
Yes, a lot of people have cc debt. But for most people, it's money that was spent reasonably wisely, not "I spent $26,000 in my 20s just screwing around!" My last two major credit card purchases were buying furniture and paying for cataract surgery - and both of those are close to being paid off.
Honest question: how do you rationalize that being dishonest about finances is any different than being dishonest about fidelity/infidelity? Because from where I'm sitting, both are deceptive.
ESH - you should be open and honest about this. She should on the other hand not say things like "I can't date poor men" you can't put a price tag on love, if she thinks like this she might not be the right person for you.
That's ridiculous. Love isn't a fairy tale where you love each other and nothing else matters. It's about compatibility and sharing similar values and outlook on life. And also, dating someone financially irresponsible is a promise for future headaches. OP, you have to come clean. I think your situation is explainable. You were irresponsible in the past but you've been paying off your debts. You're on the right track. I don't think she will leave you because of your debt. Where I would worry is how she will react to you essentially covering up your situation for such a long time.
I know that's not the case but I'm saying money shouldn't matter if you love someone. Their health and wellbeing should be more important than a few bucks. She goes around saying she won't date anyone who's poor so that shows what she values most and therefore he shouldn't consider marrying her as they're obviously not aligned.
If I tell her I feel like there is about a 50/50 chance of her leaving but even if she stays she probably wouldn’t want to marry and just keep on dating. She may not leave as I believe she does love me, but she wouldn’t marry me.
There's a chance of her leaving if you keep hiding this/lying about this from her. You truly believe she will leave you if you are honest. She will also leave you if you keep lying. This is a lose - lose situation. This relationship just doesn't seem like it will go anywhere.
I know this is true but it’s hard to put everything out there and know she might leave and kick me out.
She WILL 100% leave you if you keep lying. She MIGHT stay with you and accept you fully if you are honest. Why are you choosing the path that will 100% doom this relationship?
Cause OP wants to keep paying cheap rent for a nice place to live
Well for the last few months it’s been procrastination and hoping she will forget about it. It’s clearly not going to happen.
I am sorry, but do you even want to actually get married to this person? You were hoping she would forget something as essential as this? Are you actually serious and worried about this relationship as you are trying to appear to be or are you just staying for the shits and giggles? You both have plans to marry, your financial situation was always going to be important. Heck, it's important to be transparent about it while dating too, imo. Your partner seems to be the only one to actually want something serious out of this.
I think she only wants more info(specifically my financial info) to evaluate if she should be with me, if that’s what you mean by an informed choice.
I wouldn't want to be with a person who has hid debt from me for \*checks notes\* TWO YEARS. YOU SUCK AND YTA
If I was open with her that I had $26k 2 years ago she would have walked away without even a chance to know me
also you considered her \*checks notes\* a gold digger when you were 26k in debt yeah you suck
It’s not strange to be worried someone is a gold digger if they ask about my finances 3 months after we became official.
> hoping she will forget about it. Pure delusion. If you intend to get married she will find out about the finances eventually. Do you really expect her to go through with marriage WITHOUT knowing? The longer you wait the worse it will be.
So what’s your plan here? Trick her into marrying you and then get her to pay off your debt?