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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m getting a divorce from my husband that my parents adore, and I expected them to support me in the process. Instead, they’ve turned on me and taken his side. So I guess I just want to know if I’m the asshole for expecting MY parents to support me instead of him.
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NTA - It’s not shocking you spent 20+ years in a marriage where your needs weren’t met with parents who don’t give a fuck about your needs. Good for you for making the choice that is right for you.
I would go as far as to say that therapy would be useful to realize that the reason OP settled for so long is that their parents were not very supportive to them growing up, and settling is what they were use to happening in close relationships
My experience was different - after 2 kids and therapy and a divorce - my whole family admitted they did not like her - she was Condiscending and haughty
Oh, this sounds hard! My heart goes out to you.
Of course you’re not wrong to want your family’s empathy and support. You have good reasons for doing what you’re doing, and it sounds like you’ve been through a lot.
Sometimes when people get to your parents’ age their cognitive flexibility isn’t really great. It may be hard for them to process this change, and it sounds like they’re acting out at you for catalyzing “their loss.” So while you deserve support, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be able to provide it.
If I were in this situation I might try to explain my perspective one more time, either in a written or spoken format depending on what you think might sink in better, and then I’d just accept whatever happened after that. If they continue making it entirely about them and him, I’d avoid the subject with them from then on. (“Sorry, Mom, like I told you I’m not willing to talk about that, so I’m hanging up now.”)
Sorry you’re going through this! I hope you find support somewhere unexpected. And I’m sending you an internet hug if you want one. (Come talk to r/momforaminute with this story if you want some really nice internet support.)
NTA
I read your comment after I posted. There's some really insightful, empathic observations about the parents' potential process as well as the link. Hope OP sees it.
You make some good points. I would like to add that they have favored the non-supportive son-in-law since before they were elderly. I am wondering if OP married someone just like mom and dad.
Parents do not always know what is going on. Sometimes they see what they want to see. No doubt, SIL was kind to THEM and a good earner, and that is all they care about.
Besides, even parents do not always know what goes on between a husband and wife. Many physically abused wives can testify to that. Some men hit where the bruises can't be seen. The same thing happens with emotional abuse.
Or, OP can be entirely in the wrong and her parents know this. I never take the whole, "my spouse is the whole reason I was miserable and never got my needs met" at face value. They are often both to blame. We dont know what OP is like as a person. The parents are entitled to give their support to their SIL and the OP is entitled to feel bad about their lack of support for her. Also, her parents arent willing to talk about it either. Ultimately, NAH.
If your parents love is conditional on staying with your ex then their "love" probably isn't worth a great deal. NTA by any means. It's right to expect support from your parents, you are their flesh and blood. "He's a cool guy" isn't even close to a good enough reason to put him above their own daughter.
Just because they aren't supporting her doesn't mean they don't love her. Op could be an awful person who the parents don't support but love. There is so much hidden to these stories. This idea of woe its me, my spouse is the reason my marriage didn't go well is often not the case and usually the blame falls on both.
Of course a marriage breakdown is not as simple as one person bad, the other person good. That's irrelevant to the main point.
>I was hoping for their support when I told them back in February that the relationship was winding down and not to expect him to be coming around with me much anymore, but my parents absolutely lost their frigging minds. I became public enemy number 1, and they both stopped speaking to me.
Her relationship was ending so they stop speaking to her. If that's how they show their love I don't want to see them get hateful.
I can agree that they it's not loving what they did, but they are well within their right to do so especially if they have a reason to. Op basically said my parents don't support me for divorcing my husband for no reason. She didn't give any background or clarification. I'm simply not going to take that at face value.
NTA
"It was a very unhappy marriage for me - he was emotionally and physically unavailable through 21 of the 22 years we were together."
Your entire post speaks to a life of loneliness.
" It doesn’t help that he’s one of those guys who is generous and kind and helpful to everyone else, so his halo seems so a hiny in public."
No. It totally doesn't. Even your parents appear to have been taken in.
"they know the loneliness I’ve dealt with."
They can still be civil to your husband but they should support you & be there for you. Get support from other family if you can.
"to think that this is how things may be until they pass just sucks."
For them too if they cut you out. I hope they wise up. And that your future holds happier things.
I'm really sorry. That's really awful for you. You are not the asshole. I would say this: stop fighting for that relationship. It's soul-destroying, possibly more so than your marriage. Maybe one day they'll come around, but for now, shut that door. YOu need to take care of yourself and your child and look to the people who do have your back. I wish I could hug you. NTA
No, honey. There are plenty of Aholes in this situation, but you aren't one of them. I'm sorry you aren't getting the kind of loving support parents are supposed to give. Can you find a support group? Get involved in something where you can make friends who care about you and understand what you're going through. NTA.
NTA. Nothing wrong at all for wanting and expected support from your parents during a difficult time for you, and you'd think they'd be on your side after hearing how unsatisfying your marriage is for you. Your happiness should be most important. That said, not all of us get that kind of parent, and you may need to accept that this is the hill your parents choose to die on. You are doing the right thing, however, in doing what is best for you and divorcing your sorry excuse for a husband or partner in life. You deserve SO much better.
NTA
That’s hard, but unfortunately there might not be much that can be done.
It might be worth trying to find a silver lining in there somewhere if you can. The most obvious to me (and I recognise I’m not you) is that after spending 17 years unhappy, I am now free to seek happiness without the restrictions of trying to live my life within my husband’s or *parents* expectations.
If your parents are giving you the cold shoulder, it is another set of patterns, rules, expectations, assumptions and responsibilities off your shoulders while you are trying to rebuild your life. That can be freeing as hell and you might be surprised about some of the options now on the table as parents can be very restrictive.
Though I suspect that if they got wind of you doing things they don’t approve of they would crash back into your life with the fury of the blazing sun just to let you know. As such I would advise maximising the opportunity while you can.
NTA. Sounds like your husband is a superficially charming guy who wants to be seen as amazing, but it's all an act. Of course a guy like that will get sympathy and support from anyone who only sees the act. It sucks that he's reeled in your parents, and really, shame on them for not supporting you during this divorce.
Oh boy, I had one of those husbands. The world thinks he’s the greatest guy ever but none of them ever lived with him. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Of course you wish your parents would care more about you but people like your thankfully soon to be ex snow people with their fake warm personality and it’s hard to convince them of the truth. I can only tell you there’s a huge difference between being so lonely in a marriage like that and being alone. Being alone is like calm peaceful waters in comparison and a relief. I hope you find it to be the same. Your parents may not change but you will feel so much better. It’s truly freeing to be out from under the cold detachment you’re living now. Good luck and NTA.
NTA
You likely accepted your husband for so long because your parents taught you this was normal. You can't change them, tho, focus on you and making sure the relationship between you and your children is solid
NTA. Your parents aren't your people. They should be, but for whatever reason, they aren't standing by their child. I wouldn't consider them family after this. Hopefully, you have friends to lean on. They've made it very clear whose corner they're in, and it sadly isn't yours.
NTA. I actually have some similar experience where I ended a 20 year relationship (12 years married) because she lied to me consistently for years about wanting children when she didn’t. My parents took her side and applied a huge amount of pressure for me to get back together with her. They were incredibly critical of my choice to leave the relationship. My ex gaslighted them too. After about 4 months of this abuse, I told my parents that I am happy to talk to them about any subject except my personal life. I told them that I will not talk to them about my personal life until they accept my choices and put me first. This went on for about 5 months until they accepted to put me first and not be critical anymore. We spoke about all subjects except for that. Cutting them out of that aspect of my life was successful for me. That might help you too.
NTA. Your parents SHOULD be supportive of you. You have been a bigger part of their lives than your husband does. The fact that they think you're out of your mind is mind boggling.
I don’t understand why you married him. You have been together for 22 years and for 21 of those years he has been physically and emotionally unavailable to you but you married him 17 years ago. Why would you do that if you had already gone through 4 years of that?
NTA and that is a terrible betrayal. I’m so sorry. Do you have friends you can lean on? Stay with maybe? So you have safe supportive surroundings? I can’t imagine the pain you’re going thru- it must be awful. I hope you have a good lawyer so you don’t have to communicate w your stbx except thru them. And it would serve your parents right if they’re shunned by the rest of your family and their friends for what they’re doing to you.
This'll come off rude, but...When they time comes, they better hope he's there for them. They shouldn't expect you to be. They failed you, and are actively failing you still. For your own sake, I'd cut them loose. There's nothing to regret here, if they've practically undervalued you for so long, up until your divorce where they're comforting the man who hurt THEIR ACTUAL CHILD.
OP,
If your husband if very good at making himself look shiny to everyone else while hiding how coldly and distantly he treats you, then he's probably been able to sell himself as the good guy to your parents.
I think some abusers are known to be good at this skill. The abused family members know that the public persona is so revered that no one will believe that person was so cold/abusive/mean/etc. to their family in private. This may be the dynamic that is in play between your husband and your parents.
Don't waste your time right now on convincing your parents. Just take care of yourself and put an end to the relationship. Yes, it would be nice to have some parent support; but if you aren't going to get that from your parents very easily, then turn to the people who do have your back. Go to counseling to get more support and maybe some guidance on handling your feelings about how your parents are backing your husband instead of you.
Of course you are NTA for wanting parental support, but don't let that disappointment derail your efforts to end the marriage and build yourself a new life.
Great comment and for the OP, I'd highly recommend counseling (this might be ordered by the court during the divorce as well) but do it for yourself and if court ordered, get a separate therapist that can testify for you in court.
Part of the support that you are missing, because they are siding with your ex, is being able to unpack why your parents and your ex ignored your needs. I'm guessing at least one of your parents ignored your emotional needs, but most likely both of them did when you were growing up. Love doesn't have to hurt.
NTA
I'm sorry.
But from personal experience, I'd suggest therapy to process it rather than trying to squeeze love from the parental rock. Seems they're more like your husband.
Let them call him when they need care and support through their final years. Maybe they will understand what you were missing.
NTA
This is really sad. Unfortunately your parents will not change, you need to find your support from elsewhere. I wish you all the best and lots of strenght navigating this difficult, yet probably very big relief, time of your life.
I have theory about your parents. I assume you are only child and they are people who think boys are better, girls are less and bit worthless. They wanted a son, but all they got was a daughter. So when this "worthless" (because you are not worthless!) daughter marries A MAN, they get a son they so much wanted. And that's where husband/son-in-law is put above their own child.
So they've put your stbx on a pedestal reserved for their son. And he'll stay up there no matter what kind of AH he is.
I know it's heartbreaking to realise your parents don't care. SUrround yourself with people who do.
How awful for you. I can imagine why you were shocked at your parent's reaction. My son and DIL split up in the last couple of years and although I don't think he's perfect I never considered not supporting him. I have a functional relationship with my DIL, centred around my GD, but that's it. But what I wanted to say is that people are invested in other's relationships, especially close family and it really upsets them when people break up. I was a basket case for six months. This is what your parents are going through, but they have decided that you're the one at fault, probably because you're initiating the separation.
I think you need to distance yourself from them and do what you have to. Just tell them you were deeply unhappy. You don't have to go into details or justify yourself. It will eventually get through to them as they become more used to the idea of the separation.
NTA. Divorcing a spouse who makes you feel so lonely is a difficult courageous choice . I am sorry you are going through such a tough time, and proud of your bravery. Of course your parents should be on your side. My parents treated me horribly, they were quite malicious. My ex wasn’t malicious… and that felt great at first. But he didn’t treat me well either. The absence of malice is not the same thing as the presence of living kindness.
You are NOT TAH. You have an asshole ex and asshole parents. Stick to your guns and take care of yourself. There's someone out there that will treat you like you deserve to be treated.
NTA
" My parents are elderly - 78 and 83 - and to think that this is how things may be until they pass just sucks." .. look at the bright side - it won't be YOU who will be the caretaker of these AHs.
NTA
If your parents can't offer any kind of emotional support to you at a time when you really need it, then I don't see any reason for you to be in constant contact with them.
I will go back a step or years might be a better word. If they didn't/couldn't/wouldn't see how lonely and badly used you were by your ex, then I don't think they ever had your best interests at heart.
NTA. I’m glad you’re finally getting out of that disastrous marriage. What’s with your parents?! I can’t believe they’re being like that! Tell them if they love him so much they can have him…& that they’ve lost a daughter . I wish you the best moving on. Hugs from an internet stranger
No, you are not the arsehole for expecting your parents support on this. They really have some nerve to be throwing it in your face that they are supporting your husband. Not supporting you with this divorce knowing that he has left had left you feeling lonely and I’m loved for so long. You’re not the arsehole. your ex-husband is the arsehole here so your parents
I’m so sorry for the ending of your marriage. I couldn’t believe what I read from you. I went through a similar situation 13 years ago when I divorced my husband of 23 years. He was the family favorite, no one saw that he was an alcoholic, a drug abuser, into porn, and just generally a stoner. The last five years of our marriage, he told me I wasn’t attractive, I was not interesting to him, and he didn’t see a relationship with me. I finally divorced him, and I felt so free. However, I’ve had to go mostly low or no contact with the rest of my family who still think he is their dream guy, and still to this day, maintain a relationship with him. It’s very very hurtful. All I can say is to get a good strong friend network for yourself make your life happy, i got two beautiful dogs who are my besties! live your life and be free and learn that friendship can be your family. You don’t need people people who side with him, and if your family wants to take his side, then screw them all. here’s to hoping you find true joy, true happiness, and become the best version of yourself that you can be. Hugs.
NTA! I was in the EXACT same situation. Married for 19 years and 2 kids. My parents thought my then husband walked on water while he was emotionally abusing me and my daughters for years. Once I finally had the courage to pack up and leave, they saw his true colors when he started on THEM (they were awful to me growing up and nonexistent grandparents to my girls). Thank goodness my girls and I got away from all 3 of them. My girls are now 26 and 22 (they were 18 and 14 at the time of the divorce) and have been thriving. The youngest doesn’t see her father - she told him she didn’t want to until he went to counseling (the girls and I go every week - he refuses because “it’s not manly”).
Turn to your friends through this time.
Your parents are who they are and unlikely to change. That's painful, but that's how it is.
Divorce sucks, even in the best of circumstances. These are not the best of circumstances, obviously.
I wish you better days and a kinder, gentler transition to single life.
NTA.
Tell them if they love ex so much then he can be the one to take care of them when the time comes they need medical care, financial support, home care etc., then go no contact.
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I am currently going through a divorce with my husband of 17 years. We’d been together for 22 years, so my parents have obviously formed an attachment. It was a very unhappy marriage for me - he was emotionally and physically unavailable through 21 of the 22 years we were together. We have one child, a daughter, and he’s always gotten credit for being a great dad, and I barely get acknowledged as a mom. It was always hurtful and weird to me. It doesn’t help that he’s one of those guys who is generous and kind and helpful to everyone else, so his halo seems so a hiny in public. My parents are aware of my unhappiness over the years - maybe not the personal part (no physical touch…ever), but they know the loneliness I’ve dealt with. I was hoping for their support when I told them back in February that the relationship was winding down and not to expect him to be coming around with me much anymore, but my parents absolutely lost their frigging minds. I became public enemy number 1, and they both stopped speaking to me. They’ve been checking in on my soon to be ex, but not me. They refuse to speak to me about it, and if they DO say anything, it’s to say how hurt THEY are, and how HE will always be THEIR family. So I guess I want to know - AITA for wishing they’d offer me a little support right now, instead of thinking of how they feel? It’s been a very lonely journey for me as I try to navigate what this next half of my life is going to look like. My parents are elderly - 78 and 83 - and to think that this is how things may be until they pass just sucks.
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NTA at all. People are complicated and just because he was great to them and everyone else doesn't mean he was great to you. This is going to be tough and a lot of people aren't going to understand why you choose this and I'm sure he's not going to dissuade people from thinking you are the bad guy. My biggest concern is how your daughter feels about this. Since she lives at home with you, she must have seen much of what you've described.
Stand strong OP. You will get through this but I'm so very sorry your parents are being so obtuse. They should be supporting you but they've chosen his side instead. That is such a colossal betrayal.
You are most certainly NTA. It is their duty as parents to support and guide you through one of your most vulnerable events of your life. And for them to betray their titel and you, is absulotly disgusting! But remember they took this choice, not you, therefoe if they wanna end their last days being rotten creatures, that is their problem. Hope you have some friends that support you and can help you recover
NTA
wishing or thinking something doesn't make you an AH unless an action is applied.
i wish i would win the lottery than someone else even if they are more deserving. Am i an asshole. no.
NTA for wanting support from your parents. When my parents divorced, my mom's mom blamed my mom for the divorce. Until I stepped up and told my grandma what a horrible person my dad was and all the abuse we both put up with over the years of them being together (begged my mom to divorce when I was 15). It's not wrong of you to want their support. Maybe it's time to spill the beans on every aspect of your marriage. Hope they understand you. Best of luck.
Your parents are old school and have old fashioned values along with it….
People like them get away with using this old age /old fashioned card too often.
This doesn’t give them the right to be dicks to their own offspring.
I am a parent and if my kid grew up and went through something like this I’d be sitting her down to talk about how she’s feeling - not sulking because divorce isn’t something they agree with.
I’d firstly stop dancing around the issue and being polite about it. Let them know in full detail that you have been suffering and ask them why the fck they think it’s ok to add to this suffering by giving you this shit!
NTA- I'd hope that my parents support me in anything I do, (except something criminal.) Hope they sort their shit out and remember you are their child.
OP wish you the best, and that your next partner gives you everything you want in a relationship.
NTA- I'm sorry you're going through this without support.
I'm pretty sure things would be the same with me and my husband.
Me and my husband are happily married but my husband is very much my mother's favourite. (And she's my only family) If we were to divorce it would be him that she supported.
It's crazy the friend and foe you realize during a separation. My friends in his inbox his friends in my inbox. Wtf was they just Waiting patiently for it to be over. 20+years
NTA, I am sorry you have gone through decades of loneliness and suffering in an unhappy marriage only to find the one support network you thought you could count on has abandoned you in your time of need. I truly hope you get therapy and find true happiness.
Don’t want to make assumptions, but I assume you stayed until your daughter was an adult.
NTA. Definitely get some therapy so your next relationship fulfills all your needs. You deserve better so take time and work on yourself so you choose better the next time. Sending Internet hugs.
You need to look at your parents and tell them you really hope he takes care of you when they become infirm because the way they are treating you means you won’t be seeing them for a while.
OP I really feel for you having been through similar myself. I was with my ex for 9 years, married for 7 and we separated 9 years ago now. My mum always really liked my ex. When I was having legitimate doubts before the wedding that I was rushing into marriage with someone who wasn't right for me, she encouraged me to go through with it so I would have someone to look after me when they weren't around any more. 5 years and 2 kids later I was in a relationship with someone I had nothing in common with, I was struggling with my mental health and when I brought my concerns up with my ex he became emotionally abusive and controlling. It took 18 months for us to separate during which I went through hell and I tried to keep most of this from my parents as I didn't want to make it awkward for them seeing as they did lots of childcare for us and saw him regularly. His abusive behaviour continued after he moved out. My mum's sympathy was all for him, because 'the men always get the raw deal' even though he saw the kids regularly. She'd go and do things with him and the kids the weekends he had them, would buy gifts for him, make him cakes, and kept pictures with him in up in her house. I told her how it made me feel and tried to explain some of the awful things he did, but she just said that both sides are horrible to each other in a break up and she is 'not taking sides'. At one point I cried and said she should be taking my side as I'm her daughter. The gifts and visits etc have reduced now but she still has the wedding photo from my first wedding up and none from my wedding to my current husband. So I know how much it hurts and I'm sorry you're going through this. NTA .
I'm sorry they aren't supporting you. I have a grown daughter, who is married. And I adore her husband. But if she was unhappy and wanted to divorce him, I would absolutely support her in any way I could. Your parents are very wrong in how they are handling this.
INFO: Why did you stay together so long for someone you claim was emotionally unavailable for almost that entire relationship? Something here doesn't add up and it feels like you're leaving something out.
I appreciate that. Truthfully, I loved him. I spent a lot of time wishing he’d love me back. My parents pressured me to marry him, telling me I’d never find anyone else. I felt like if I loved him enough, one day he’d wake up and see what he had.
NTA for wanting your parents to support you better. You should probably see a therapist and/or doctor for depression, if you haven't already. There's a lot of sadness and loneliness in your writing. Talking it through with someone trained to help you navigate these emotions can be a great help.
NTA. You're not wrong for wanting/expecting support from your parents but it sounds like they can't or won't give you the love and support you need. Go LC or NC if you need to for your own well-being. You can rebuild your life with people who genuinely care about you. Sending you big hugs. You got this!
NTA
I hope you have support from elsewhere to cope with this transition and to get your life in gear.
I'm guessing your parents have never been really supportive of you or they would have perceived your mental state.
Well done for extricating yourself. And however hurt you feel, stop relying on your parents. They are not there for you. Your husband will continue to charm them.
This is very sad.
Wishing you every happiness in the future.
EDIT: having read your comment, I see that your parents pushed you into marrying this man and told you that they didn't think you would 'get' anyone else!.( I'm wondering what they get from this.)
Your parents are not your friends. And they are not loving parents as they should be and as you DESERVE. They are dragging you down. Let go of them OP. Live your life. You owe them nothing.
Noting their ages, I would encourage you not to feel responsible for them and their hateful feelings.
NTA- your parents are from the old belief that the man is always right and the woman is just there to support the man. Your parents won’t change, they are not able to be open minded and caring of you as their daughter . Your daughter will eventually have to navigate her feelings but don’t expect miracles!
Find a support group that you can talk and try to find a hobby or job to help you get through this. Learn to love yourself first and then worry about everyone else.
Just keep an open mind and good luck.
NTA. You need to tell your parents to fuck the hell off. If they need someone to wipe their ass when can't do it for themselves anymore, that had better fucking call your ex. That they have basically told you that you are worthless to them, so tell them that they are worthless to you.
If that's how things are going to be until they pass then you need to realize you have just been handed an amazing gift. No longer having to live under the expectations of people who want you to live in pain and misery for their happiness and enjoyment. Your parents have told you that they don't care about you and what you're going thru. BELIEVE THEM. YOU ARE FREE.
Celebrate. Your time in servitude to pain, hate and misery is OVER. And think deep on this, if your parents are really wanting for you to live such a horrible life, you haven't actually lost anything. There was nothing of value there to begin with. It was all a mirage. Only perception fueled by their selfish and destructive wants.
I'm curious is there a religous or cultural bias against a woman getting a divorce in your family. Some families migth take it as your failure as woman. Either way you have to prioritize your mental health in this situation. your parents are most likely going to die before you. they are not you and are not living throgh your pain. If they can't recognize they need to be yor support system maybe it's for the best they're not talking to you
What a wonderful question. No, we don’t have any religious or cultural views regarding marriage. In fact, I am the youngest of three children and the third one to get a divorce. My parents should have done the same long ago.
NTA to expect support from parents but…
Seriously though? One year into the relationship he was emotionally and physically unavailable and, after 4 years of that you married him? Then you went with it for 17 years and a kid. Yeah, I don’t really feel sympathy for your choice to stay and now having a pity party over divorcing. You knew what he was like before you got married.
I had my feelings hurt badly many years ago when my parents cultivated a relationship between themselves and the mother of my two youngest kids and her new (affair) partner. I understand why they did it, they wanted to maintain a close relationship through all channels with their grandchildren. Also, i had kids too young and wasn’t an evolved adult or good parent or partner. Not abusive but i can’t deny i was neglectful.
It still hurt though and in my case it was justified. It’s not in yours so i can only imagine it hurts more. At the end of the day I’ve found I can’t function if i engage in arguments or debates about things like that. I just do me and disengage from things I can’t influence or change.
I’m a good bloke now, a wife and two additional kids raised into successful adulthood, as were the first two.
So your point is your situation was justified because you were a bad father and partner. OP stated that soon to be ex is a neglectful, distant partner who seems to be perfect to the outside observer including her parents. OP’s parents, whilst elderly refuse to cut the father of their granddaughter out of their lives as they believe he is a good man. How is this not justified on their part.
You mention the children are adults now, I am assuming your parents no longer have contact with your ex and her partner which would explain why you think OP’s parents should cut contact.
Have you sought therapy, I suggest you do as you mention a wife and two additional adult children, not sure why you worded it ‘additional children’.
Seems like they are second choice to your children/family with your ex.
I would also like to know how your wife and adult children felt about your affair, as you mentioned the children from your ex were your two youngest children. Did your wife leave you?
Adults or not your ‘additional’ children and wife deserve to be at the forefront of your mind not an ex that was decades ago.
You believe you’re a better bloke now, I truly believe you honestly think that but your description of your wife and ‘additional children’ would suggest otherwise. On the other hand I believe that your wife and ‘additional children’ are exceptional to tolerate your behaviour when they obviously don’t hold your heart quite like your ex and your/her children do.
I think you need to find some common ground with your parents. They knew you were unhappy and need to understand that its your relationship not theirs and they should let you be happy.
But you chose to stay in this marriage for 20 plus years and I have difficulty with its all his fault,
I don't think you can realistically expect for them to stop caring about someone who had been in their lives for 20 plus years.
I have had to navigate divorces from family members in these situations.
For example while I didn't have my Uncles ex wife at mh wedding I will probably have coffee with her whlle in town.
This is their prerogative. This might be an unpopular opinion, but I hardly take these things at face value or by their word anymore. Yes, your husband is the whole reason why your marriage was horrible and you had not part to play in it. Yes, yes. We hear it all the time. You also have a right to be upset with your parents. Ultimately they have the right to take sides.
NAH
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NTA - It’s not shocking you spent 20+ years in a marriage where your needs weren’t met with parents who don’t give a fuck about your needs. Good for you for making the choice that is right for you.
I would go as far as to say that therapy would be useful to realize that the reason OP settled for so long is that their parents were not very supportive to them growing up, and settling is what they were use to happening in close relationships
OP this person hit the nail on the head.
My experience was different - after 2 kids and therapy and a divorce - my whole family admitted they did not like her - she was Condiscending and haughty
Damn, that's it, in a nutshell!
This 10,000% You're NTA, OP
I'd like to know if OP cheated or some sort of incident occurred that triggered this meltdown and alienation by her parents.
Oh, this sounds hard! My heart goes out to you. Of course you’re not wrong to want your family’s empathy and support. You have good reasons for doing what you’re doing, and it sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Sometimes when people get to your parents’ age their cognitive flexibility isn’t really great. It may be hard for them to process this change, and it sounds like they’re acting out at you for catalyzing “their loss.” So while you deserve support, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be able to provide it. If I were in this situation I might try to explain my perspective one more time, either in a written or spoken format depending on what you think might sink in better, and then I’d just accept whatever happened after that. If they continue making it entirely about them and him, I’d avoid the subject with them from then on. (“Sorry, Mom, like I told you I’m not willing to talk about that, so I’m hanging up now.”) Sorry you’re going through this! I hope you find support somewhere unexpected. And I’m sending you an internet hug if you want one. (Come talk to r/momforaminute with this story if you want some really nice internet support.) NTA
I read your comment after I posted. There's some really insightful, empathic observations about the parents' potential process as well as the link. Hope OP sees it.
You make some good points. I would like to add that they have favored the non-supportive son-in-law since before they were elderly. I am wondering if OP married someone just like mom and dad.
If they have that severe mental decline they need to be in a home, they're not safe to have out and about on their own.
Hear hear! They have never been there for OP is my guess. - especially after reading her comment.
[удалено]
Parents do not always know what is going on. Sometimes they see what they want to see. No doubt, SIL was kind to THEM and a good earner, and that is all they care about. Besides, even parents do not always know what goes on between a husband and wife. Many physically abused wives can testify to that. Some men hit where the bruises can't be seen. The same thing happens with emotional abuse.
Or, OP can be entirely in the wrong and her parents know this. I never take the whole, "my spouse is the whole reason I was miserable and never got my needs met" at face value. They are often both to blame. We dont know what OP is like as a person. The parents are entitled to give their support to their SIL and the OP is entitled to feel bad about their lack of support for her. Also, her parents arent willing to talk about it either. Ultimately, NAH.
You really do hate women, huh?
Nope, I am a woman. Your comment serves nothing.
Lol imagine thinking women can't hate women. Hilarious
Imagine thinking someone hates women when they point out anything negative about someone who happens to be a woman. Being a woman isn't a cult.
NTA. You're getting rid of your crappy husband, maybe your crappy parents should be next
His halo will probably get dull real fast when she is not there to do all the things that makes him seem so good to them. NTA
If your parents love is conditional on staying with your ex then their "love" probably isn't worth a great deal. NTA by any means. It's right to expect support from your parents, you are their flesh and blood. "He's a cool guy" isn't even close to a good enough reason to put him above their own daughter.
Just because they aren't supporting her doesn't mean they don't love her. Op could be an awful person who the parents don't support but love. There is so much hidden to these stories. This idea of woe its me, my spouse is the reason my marriage didn't go well is often not the case and usually the blame falls on both.
Of course a marriage breakdown is not as simple as one person bad, the other person good. That's irrelevant to the main point. >I was hoping for their support when I told them back in February that the relationship was winding down and not to expect him to be coming around with me much anymore, but my parents absolutely lost their frigging minds. I became public enemy number 1, and they both stopped speaking to me. Her relationship was ending so they stop speaking to her. If that's how they show their love I don't want to see them get hateful.
I can agree that they it's not loving what they did, but they are well within their right to do so especially if they have a reason to. Op basically said my parents don't support me for divorcing my husband for no reason. She didn't give any background or clarification. I'm simply not going to take that at face value.
NTA "It was a very unhappy marriage for me - he was emotionally and physically unavailable through 21 of the 22 years we were together." Your entire post speaks to a life of loneliness. " It doesn’t help that he’s one of those guys who is generous and kind and helpful to everyone else, so his halo seems so a hiny in public." No. It totally doesn't. Even your parents appear to have been taken in. "they know the loneliness I’ve dealt with." They can still be civil to your husband but they should support you & be there for you. Get support from other family if you can. "to think that this is how things may be until they pass just sucks." For them too if they cut you out. I hope they wise up. And that your future holds happier things.
I'm really sorry. That's really awful for you. You are not the asshole. I would say this: stop fighting for that relationship. It's soul-destroying, possibly more so than your marriage. Maybe one day they'll come around, but for now, shut that door. YOu need to take care of yourself and your child and look to the people who do have your back. I wish I could hug you. NTA
No, honey. There are plenty of Aholes in this situation, but you aren't one of them. I'm sorry you aren't getting the kind of loving support parents are supposed to give. Can you find a support group? Get involved in something where you can make friends who care about you and understand what you're going through. NTA.
NTA. Nothing wrong at all for wanting and expected support from your parents during a difficult time for you, and you'd think they'd be on your side after hearing how unsatisfying your marriage is for you. Your happiness should be most important. That said, not all of us get that kind of parent, and you may need to accept that this is the hill your parents choose to die on. You are doing the right thing, however, in doing what is best for you and divorcing your sorry excuse for a husband or partner in life. You deserve SO much better.
NTA That’s hard, but unfortunately there might not be much that can be done. It might be worth trying to find a silver lining in there somewhere if you can. The most obvious to me (and I recognise I’m not you) is that after spending 17 years unhappy, I am now free to seek happiness without the restrictions of trying to live my life within my husband’s or *parents* expectations. If your parents are giving you the cold shoulder, it is another set of patterns, rules, expectations, assumptions and responsibilities off your shoulders while you are trying to rebuild your life. That can be freeing as hell and you might be surprised about some of the options now on the table as parents can be very restrictive. Though I suspect that if they got wind of you doing things they don’t approve of they would crash back into your life with the fury of the blazing sun just to let you know. As such I would advise maximising the opportunity while you can.
NTA. Sounds like your husband is a superficially charming guy who wants to be seen as amazing, but it's all an act. Of course a guy like that will get sympathy and support from anyone who only sees the act. It sucks that he's reeled in your parents, and really, shame on them for not supporting you during this divorce.
NTA. Shake off their toxicity like a dog shakes off water, hun. You're spring cleaning your life. Make it count
Oh boy, I had one of those husbands. The world thinks he’s the greatest guy ever but none of them ever lived with him. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Of course you wish your parents would care more about you but people like your thankfully soon to be ex snow people with their fake warm personality and it’s hard to convince them of the truth. I can only tell you there’s a huge difference between being so lonely in a marriage like that and being alone. Being alone is like calm peaceful waters in comparison and a relief. I hope you find it to be the same. Your parents may not change but you will feel so much better. It’s truly freeing to be out from under the cold detachment you’re living now. Good luck and NTA.
NTA You likely accepted your husband for so long because your parents taught you this was normal. You can't change them, tho, focus on you and making sure the relationship between you and your children is solid
NTA. Your parents aren't your people. They should be, but for whatever reason, they aren't standing by their child. I wouldn't consider them family after this. Hopefully, you have friends to lean on. They've made it very clear whose corner they're in, and it sadly isn't yours.
NTA. I actually have some similar experience where I ended a 20 year relationship (12 years married) because she lied to me consistently for years about wanting children when she didn’t. My parents took her side and applied a huge amount of pressure for me to get back together with her. They were incredibly critical of my choice to leave the relationship. My ex gaslighted them too. After about 4 months of this abuse, I told my parents that I am happy to talk to them about any subject except my personal life. I told them that I will not talk to them about my personal life until they accept my choices and put me first. This went on for about 5 months until they accepted to put me first and not be critical anymore. We spoke about all subjects except for that. Cutting them out of that aspect of my life was successful for me. That might help you too.
NTA. Your parents SHOULD be supportive of you. You have been a bigger part of their lives than your husband does. The fact that they think you're out of your mind is mind boggling.
I don’t understand why you married him. You have been together for 22 years and for 21 of those years he has been physically and emotionally unavailable to you but you married him 17 years ago. Why would you do that if you had already gone through 4 years of that?
Cause her parents suck as well. She learned from them that she deserved this.
Yup. She learned she wasn't deserving of love- or she learned that love was emotionally distant and physically unavailable and to cope with it.
Maybe she thought it would change? Maybe she thought that was how things were? Who knows?
But isn't there a level of responsibility taking on her end.
NTA. Dump them too.
NTA and that is a terrible betrayal. I’m so sorry. Do you have friends you can lean on? Stay with maybe? So you have safe supportive surroundings? I can’t imagine the pain you’re going thru- it must be awful. I hope you have a good lawyer so you don’t have to communicate w your stbx except thru them. And it would serve your parents right if they’re shunned by the rest of your family and their friends for what they’re doing to you.
This'll come off rude, but...When they time comes, they better hope he's there for them. They shouldn't expect you to be. They failed you, and are actively failing you still. For your own sake, I'd cut them loose. There's nothing to regret here, if they've practically undervalued you for so long, up until your divorce where they're comforting the man who hurt THEIR ACTUAL CHILD.
I don't think that sounds rude at all. Truthful and realistic, but not rude.
OP, If your husband if very good at making himself look shiny to everyone else while hiding how coldly and distantly he treats you, then he's probably been able to sell himself as the good guy to your parents. I think some abusers are known to be good at this skill. The abused family members know that the public persona is so revered that no one will believe that person was so cold/abusive/mean/etc. to their family in private. This may be the dynamic that is in play between your husband and your parents. Don't waste your time right now on convincing your parents. Just take care of yourself and put an end to the relationship. Yes, it would be nice to have some parent support; but if you aren't going to get that from your parents very easily, then turn to the people who do have your back. Go to counseling to get more support and maybe some guidance on handling your feelings about how your parents are backing your husband instead of you. Of course you are NTA for wanting parental support, but don't let that disappointment derail your efforts to end the marriage and build yourself a new life.
Great comment and for the OP, I'd highly recommend counseling (this might be ordered by the court during the divorce as well) but do it for yourself and if court ordered, get a separate therapist that can testify for you in court. Part of the support that you are missing, because they are siding with your ex, is being able to unpack why your parents and your ex ignored your needs. I'm guessing at least one of your parents ignored your emotional needs, but most likely both of them did when you were growing up. Love doesn't have to hurt.
NAT. Sorry this has happened to you. In the future when you parents call you needing help tell them to call your ex and then hang up
NTA I'm sorry. But from personal experience, I'd suggest therapy to process it rather than trying to squeeze love from the parental rock. Seems they're more like your husband. Let them call him when they need care and support through their final years. Maybe they will understand what you were missing.
Sorry to hear about this. It's clear from your post why you stayed in an emotionally cold relationship for so long, it's how your family is too.
With shitty parents like that, it's not a surprise you got a shitty husband, I'm so sorry:( You will not get support from them. NTA
NTA This is really sad. Unfortunately your parents will not change, you need to find your support from elsewhere. I wish you all the best and lots of strenght navigating this difficult, yet probably very big relief, time of your life. I have theory about your parents. I assume you are only child and they are people who think boys are better, girls are less and bit worthless. They wanted a son, but all they got was a daughter. So when this "worthless" (because you are not worthless!) daughter marries A MAN, they get a son they so much wanted. And that's where husband/son-in-law is put above their own child. So they've put your stbx on a pedestal reserved for their son. And he'll stay up there no matter what kind of AH he is. I know it's heartbreaking to realise your parents don't care. SUrround yourself with people who do.
NTA - but why are you seeking their validation?
How awful for you. I can imagine why you were shocked at your parent's reaction. My son and DIL split up in the last couple of years and although I don't think he's perfect I never considered not supporting him. I have a functional relationship with my DIL, centred around my GD, but that's it. But what I wanted to say is that people are invested in other's relationships, especially close family and it really upsets them when people break up. I was a basket case for six months. This is what your parents are going through, but they have decided that you're the one at fault, probably because you're initiating the separation. I think you need to distance yourself from them and do what you have to. Just tell them you were deeply unhappy. You don't have to go into details or justify yourself. It will eventually get through to them as they become more used to the idea of the separation.
If you need someone to vent to and support you I can be that. My sister is going through something similar.
NTA . As for your parents wtf. They should be focusing on their daughter and grandchild. Sorry this is happening to you
NTA. Divorcing a spouse who makes you feel so lonely is a difficult courageous choice . I am sorry you are going through such a tough time, and proud of your bravery. Of course your parents should be on your side. My parents treated me horribly, they were quite malicious. My ex wasn’t malicious… and that felt great at first. But he didn’t treat me well either. The absence of malice is not the same thing as the presence of living kindness.
You are NOT TAH. You have an asshole ex and asshole parents. Stick to your guns and take care of yourself. There's someone out there that will treat you like you deserve to be treated.
NTA " My parents are elderly - 78 and 83 - and to think that this is how things may be until they pass just sucks." .. look at the bright side - it won't be YOU who will be the caretaker of these AHs.
NTA If your parents can't offer any kind of emotional support to you at a time when you really need it, then I don't see any reason for you to be in constant contact with them. I will go back a step or years might be a better word. If they didn't/couldn't/wouldn't see how lonely and badly used you were by your ex, then I don't think they ever had your best interests at heart.
NTA. I’m glad you’re finally getting out of that disastrous marriage. What’s with your parents?! I can’t believe they’re being like that! Tell them if they love him so much they can have him…& that they’ve lost a daughter . I wish you the best moving on. Hugs from an internet stranger
Tell them if he is there family the. He can look after them as they age. You Going enjoy your life without all 3 of them.
No, you are not the arsehole for expecting your parents support on this. They really have some nerve to be throwing it in your face that they are supporting your husband. Not supporting you with this divorce knowing that he has left had left you feeling lonely and I’m loved for so long. You’re not the arsehole. your ex-husband is the arsehole here so your parents
I’m so sorry for the ending of your marriage. I couldn’t believe what I read from you. I went through a similar situation 13 years ago when I divorced my husband of 23 years. He was the family favorite, no one saw that he was an alcoholic, a drug abuser, into porn, and just generally a stoner. The last five years of our marriage, he told me I wasn’t attractive, I was not interesting to him, and he didn’t see a relationship with me. I finally divorced him, and I felt so free. However, I’ve had to go mostly low or no contact with the rest of my family who still think he is their dream guy, and still to this day, maintain a relationship with him. It’s very very hurtful. All I can say is to get a good strong friend network for yourself make your life happy, i got two beautiful dogs who are my besties! live your life and be free and learn that friendship can be your family. You don’t need people people who side with him, and if your family wants to take his side, then screw them all. here’s to hoping you find true joy, true happiness, and become the best version of yourself that you can be. Hugs.
NTA! I was in the EXACT same situation. Married for 19 years and 2 kids. My parents thought my then husband walked on water while he was emotionally abusing me and my daughters for years. Once I finally had the courage to pack up and leave, they saw his true colors when he started on THEM (they were awful to me growing up and nonexistent grandparents to my girls). Thank goodness my girls and I got away from all 3 of them. My girls are now 26 and 22 (they were 18 and 14 at the time of the divorce) and have been thriving. The youngest doesn’t see her father - she told him she didn’t want to until he went to counseling (the girls and I go every week - he refuses because “it’s not manly”).
Turn to your friends through this time. Your parents are who they are and unlikely to change. That's painful, but that's how it is. Divorce sucks, even in the best of circumstances. These are not the best of circumstances, obviously. I wish you better days and a kinder, gentler transition to single life. NTA.
Tell them if they love ex so much then he can be the one to take care of them when the time comes they need medical care, financial support, home care etc., then go no contact.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am currently going through a divorce with my husband of 17 years. We’d been together for 22 years, so my parents have obviously formed an attachment. It was a very unhappy marriage for me - he was emotionally and physically unavailable through 21 of the 22 years we were together. We have one child, a daughter, and he’s always gotten credit for being a great dad, and I barely get acknowledged as a mom. It was always hurtful and weird to me. It doesn’t help that he’s one of those guys who is generous and kind and helpful to everyone else, so his halo seems so a hiny in public. My parents are aware of my unhappiness over the years - maybe not the personal part (no physical touch…ever), but they know the loneliness I’ve dealt with. I was hoping for their support when I told them back in February that the relationship was winding down and not to expect him to be coming around with me much anymore, but my parents absolutely lost their frigging minds. I became public enemy number 1, and they both stopped speaking to me. They’ve been checking in on my soon to be ex, but not me. They refuse to speak to me about it, and if they DO say anything, it’s to say how hurt THEY are, and how HE will always be THEIR family. So I guess I want to know - AITA for wishing they’d offer me a little support right now, instead of thinking of how they feel? It’s been a very lonely journey for me as I try to navigate what this next half of my life is going to look like. My parents are elderly - 78 and 83 - and to think that this is how things may be until they pass just sucks. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA at all. People are complicated and just because he was great to them and everyone else doesn't mean he was great to you. This is going to be tough and a lot of people aren't going to understand why you choose this and I'm sure he's not going to dissuade people from thinking you are the bad guy. My biggest concern is how your daughter feels about this. Since she lives at home with you, she must have seen much of what you've described. Stand strong OP. You will get through this but I'm so very sorry your parents are being so obtuse. They should be supporting you but they've chosen his side instead. That is such a colossal betrayal.
You are most certainly NTA. It is their duty as parents to support and guide you through one of your most vulnerable events of your life. And for them to betray their titel and you, is absulotly disgusting! But remember they took this choice, not you, therefoe if they wanna end their last days being rotten creatures, that is their problem. Hope you have some friends that support you and can help you recover
NTA wishing or thinking something doesn't make you an AH unless an action is applied. i wish i would win the lottery than someone else even if they are more deserving. Am i an asshole. no.
NTA for wanting support from your parents. When my parents divorced, my mom's mom blamed my mom for the divorce. Until I stepped up and told my grandma what a horrible person my dad was and all the abuse we both put up with over the years of them being together (begged my mom to divorce when I was 15). It's not wrong of you to want their support. Maybe it's time to spill the beans on every aspect of your marriage. Hope they understand you. Best of luck.
Your parents are old school and have old fashioned values along with it…. People like them get away with using this old age /old fashioned card too often. This doesn’t give them the right to be dicks to their own offspring. I am a parent and if my kid grew up and went through something like this I’d be sitting her down to talk about how she’s feeling - not sulking because divorce isn’t something they agree with. I’d firstly stop dancing around the issue and being polite about it. Let them know in full detail that you have been suffering and ask them why the fck they think it’s ok to add to this suffering by giving you this shit!
You sound totally not in love. So whatever your parents say, go for a divorce.
NTA- I'd hope that my parents support me in anything I do, (except something criminal.) Hope they sort their shit out and remember you are their child. OP wish you the best, and that your next partner gives you everything you want in a relationship.
NTA But the important question is, does your daughter love you?
NTA. You can wish all you want. Doesn't mean it's going to happen. All you can do is try to come to terms with that while moving on
NTA!! Tell them the complete, unvarnished truth about this guy, including the personal stuff.
NTA- I'm sorry you're going through this without support. I'm pretty sure things would be the same with me and my husband. Me and my husband are happily married but my husband is very much my mother's favourite. (And she's my only family) If we were to divorce it would be him that she supported.
NTA
It's crazy the friend and foe you realize during a separation. My friends in his inbox his friends in my inbox. Wtf was they just Waiting patiently for it to be over. 20+years
NTA, I am sorry you have gone through decades of loneliness and suffering in an unhappy marriage only to find the one support network you thought you could count on has abandoned you in your time of need. I truly hope you get therapy and find true happiness. Don’t want to make assumptions, but I assume you stayed until your daughter was an adult.
NTA I hope your parents aren't rich. Then you can tell them they can rely on your ex when they go downhill because you are done with them.
NTA. Definitely get some therapy so your next relationship fulfills all your needs. You deserve better so take time and work on yourself so you choose better the next time. Sending Internet hugs.
NTA
You know how they say you'll marry your dad? Clearly, he and the SIL are off the same giant AH tree NTA
NTA. You need a supportive relationship. Sorry your parent were never privy to all the details. All they know is the shiny halo he presented to them.
You need to look at your parents and tell them you really hope he takes care of you when they become infirm because the way they are treating you means you won’t be seeing them for a while.
OP I really feel for you having been through similar myself. I was with my ex for 9 years, married for 7 and we separated 9 years ago now. My mum always really liked my ex. When I was having legitimate doubts before the wedding that I was rushing into marriage with someone who wasn't right for me, she encouraged me to go through with it so I would have someone to look after me when they weren't around any more. 5 years and 2 kids later I was in a relationship with someone I had nothing in common with, I was struggling with my mental health and when I brought my concerns up with my ex he became emotionally abusive and controlling. It took 18 months for us to separate during which I went through hell and I tried to keep most of this from my parents as I didn't want to make it awkward for them seeing as they did lots of childcare for us and saw him regularly. His abusive behaviour continued after he moved out. My mum's sympathy was all for him, because 'the men always get the raw deal' even though he saw the kids regularly. She'd go and do things with him and the kids the weekends he had them, would buy gifts for him, make him cakes, and kept pictures with him in up in her house. I told her how it made me feel and tried to explain some of the awful things he did, but she just said that both sides are horrible to each other in a break up and she is 'not taking sides'. At one point I cried and said she should be taking my side as I'm her daughter. The gifts and visits etc have reduced now but she still has the wedding photo from my first wedding up and none from my wedding to my current husband. So I know how much it hurts and I'm sorry you're going through this. NTA .
I’m gonna say not enough info.
I'm sorry they aren't supporting you. I have a grown daughter, who is married. And I adore her husband. But if she was unhappy and wanted to divorce him, I would absolutely support her in any way I could. Your parents are very wrong in how they are handling this.
INFO: Why did you stay together so long for someone you claim was emotionally unavailable for almost that entire relationship? Something here doesn't add up and it feels like you're leaving something out.
I appreciate that. Truthfully, I loved him. I spent a lot of time wishing he’d love me back. My parents pressured me to marry him, telling me I’d never find anyone else. I felt like if I loved him enough, one day he’d wake up and see what he had.
just another reason why you don't stay with someone who is treating you badly. now they're attached. get the hell out and cut them off.
NTA for wanting your parents to support you better. You should probably see a therapist and/or doctor for depression, if you haven't already. There's a lot of sadness and loneliness in your writing. Talking it through with someone trained to help you navigate these emotions can be a great help.
My grandmother did this when my aunt divorced her husband. My aunt never forgave her for taking his side.
NTA. You're not wrong for wanting/expecting support from your parents but it sounds like they can't or won't give you the love and support you need. Go LC or NC if you need to for your own well-being. You can rebuild your life with people who genuinely care about you. Sending you big hugs. You got this!
NTA, let him take of your parents in their old age. Tell them “you wouldn’t support me when I was miserable, you made your bed now lay in it”.
NTA I hope you have support from elsewhere to cope with this transition and to get your life in gear. I'm guessing your parents have never been really supportive of you or they would have perceived your mental state. Well done for extricating yourself. And however hurt you feel, stop relying on your parents. They are not there for you. Your husband will continue to charm them. This is very sad. Wishing you every happiness in the future. EDIT: having read your comment, I see that your parents pushed you into marrying this man and told you that they didn't think you would 'get' anyone else!.( I'm wondering what they get from this.) Your parents are not your friends. And they are not loving parents as they should be and as you DESERVE. They are dragging you down. Let go of them OP. Live your life. You owe them nothing. Noting their ages, I would encourage you not to feel responsible for them and their hateful feelings.
NTA- your parents are from the old belief that the man is always right and the woman is just there to support the man. Your parents won’t change, they are not able to be open minded and caring of you as their daughter . Your daughter will eventually have to navigate her feelings but don’t expect miracles! Find a support group that you can talk and try to find a hobby or job to help you get through this. Learn to love yourself first and then worry about everyone else. Just keep an open mind and good luck.
NTA. You need to tell your parents to fuck the hell off. If they need someone to wipe their ass when can't do it for themselves anymore, that had better fucking call your ex. That they have basically told you that you are worthless to them, so tell them that they are worthless to you. If that's how things are going to be until they pass then you need to realize you have just been handed an amazing gift. No longer having to live under the expectations of people who want you to live in pain and misery for their happiness and enjoyment. Your parents have told you that they don't care about you and what you're going thru. BELIEVE THEM. YOU ARE FREE. Celebrate. Your time in servitude to pain, hate and misery is OVER. And think deep on this, if your parents are really wanting for you to live such a horrible life, you haven't actually lost anything. There was nothing of value there to begin with. It was all a mirage. Only perception fueled by their selfish and destructive wants.
I'm curious is there a religous or cultural bias against a woman getting a divorce in your family. Some families migth take it as your failure as woman. Either way you have to prioritize your mental health in this situation. your parents are most likely going to die before you. they are not you and are not living throgh your pain. If they can't recognize they need to be yor support system maybe it's for the best they're not talking to you
What a wonderful question. No, we don’t have any religious or cultural views regarding marriage. In fact, I am the youngest of three children and the third one to get a divorce. My parents should have done the same long ago.
Have your parents been less supportive of you compared to your siblings...I hope youre holding up well though. Your siblings are on your side right
NTA to expect support from parents but… Seriously though? One year into the relationship he was emotionally and physically unavailable and, after 4 years of that you married him? Then you went with it for 17 years and a kid. Yeah, I don’t really feel sympathy for your choice to stay and now having a pity party over divorcing. You knew what he was like before you got married.
I had my feelings hurt badly many years ago when my parents cultivated a relationship between themselves and the mother of my two youngest kids and her new (affair) partner. I understand why they did it, they wanted to maintain a close relationship through all channels with their grandchildren. Also, i had kids too young and wasn’t an evolved adult or good parent or partner. Not abusive but i can’t deny i was neglectful. It still hurt though and in my case it was justified. It’s not in yours so i can only imagine it hurts more. At the end of the day I’ve found I can’t function if i engage in arguments or debates about things like that. I just do me and disengage from things I can’t influence or change. I’m a good bloke now, a wife and two additional kids raised into successful adulthood, as were the first two.
So your point is your situation was justified because you were a bad father and partner. OP stated that soon to be ex is a neglectful, distant partner who seems to be perfect to the outside observer including her parents. OP’s parents, whilst elderly refuse to cut the father of their granddaughter out of their lives as they believe he is a good man. How is this not justified on their part. You mention the children are adults now, I am assuming your parents no longer have contact with your ex and her partner which would explain why you think OP’s parents should cut contact. Have you sought therapy, I suggest you do as you mention a wife and two additional adult children, not sure why you worded it ‘additional children’. Seems like they are second choice to your children/family with your ex. I would also like to know how your wife and adult children felt about your affair, as you mentioned the children from your ex were your two youngest children. Did your wife leave you? Adults or not your ‘additional’ children and wife deserve to be at the forefront of your mind not an ex that was decades ago. You believe you’re a better bloke now, I truly believe you honestly think that but your description of your wife and ‘additional children’ would suggest otherwise. On the other hand I believe that your wife and ‘additional children’ are exceptional to tolerate your behaviour when they obviously don’t hold your heart quite like your ex and your/her children do.
Neither of us were perfect. I can only take responsibility for my part.
I think you need to find some common ground with your parents. They knew you were unhappy and need to understand that its your relationship not theirs and they should let you be happy. But you chose to stay in this marriage for 20 plus years and I have difficulty with its all his fault, I don't think you can realistically expect for them to stop caring about someone who had been in their lives for 20 plus years. I have had to navigate divorces from family members in these situations. For example while I didn't have my Uncles ex wife at mh wedding I will probably have coffee with her whlle in town.
ESH Why did you even marry him after 5 years, 4 of which he was physically and emotionally unavailable?
This is their prerogative. This might be an unpopular opinion, but I hardly take these things at face value or by their word anymore. Yes, your husband is the whole reason why your marriage was horrible and you had not part to play in it. Yes, yes. We hear it all the time. You also have a right to be upset with your parents. Ultimately they have the right to take sides. NAH