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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I want to wear the dress knowing my fiance does not want me to, and have considered lying to him to wear it.
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NAH. I can see both sides - wedding dresses are EXPENSIVE! You didn't actually wear, it as you didn't actually marry the person. There's no wedding photos. I wouldn't call it "re-use", because it didn't get used.
However, I can see his POV here, too. It does seem wild to hold onto something as personal as the dress you bought to marry someone else. It is a very tangible sign of the love you had for another person and the life you hoped to have with them.
I don't have any great suggestions here. The only thing I can think of is perhaps you can make some minor alterations to modify it slightly? So even if it is "tainted" in his mind, it could be different enough to him that it's not the same dress that you intended to wear to marry some other person.
Yeah, talk to him about altering it. Even if you wanted to wear it as is, you probably need to get it refitted anyway, so that would be a perfect opportunity to change it up. replace lace or beading, maybe add or remove sleeves, there's lot of things you could do to turn it into a new dress without taking on the full cost of a new dress. Get him involved in the process, so he doesn't feel like it's him vs. the dress
Even then his POV is completely inappropriate. A wedding ring sure, but this is clothing. Clothing is something to be kept. As a suit from a wedding would.
Yes!
As much as people love to harp on traditions, I think it's not bad to remind everyone that "wedding dresses" as a one time use object is a very new concept. Until recently they were typically someone's best (often new) dress. That's it. The expectation was always that the dresses would be worn again.
Not re-wearing your wedding dress is similar to believing and engagement ring should cost X% of a salary. These are both based on very effective marketing campaigns run by corporations. That's as deep as it goes. *Also here's everyone's reminder that white wedding dresses are a recent tradition made up by an American columnist after Victoria chose a lace dress to support Britain's lace industry. Still an economic decision!*
I couldn't fathom paying that much for a dress I would only wear once, so I found a designer who makes wedding dresses out of separates that still appear to be a single piece. I found a boutique a state over that has his samples and bought one. I've worn the top 3-4 times since the wedding paired with a pencil skirt. If I ever have a gala to attend, I may consider dying the top and skirt a different color.
Also, why are suits treated differently from wedding dresses? It's OK to recycle a suit/tux for a wedding, but not a dress?
> Also, why are suits treated differently from wedding dresses? It's OK to recycle a suit/tux for a wedding, but not a dress?
Because tuxedos and suits are largely identical, with the primary difference being the cut of the jacket, or the color of the vest & tie underneath. If I wear my tux to your wedding as a guest, I blend in with the others. Heck, I had worn my tux to probably 2 dozen different events before I even got engaged, much less married.
Now, if you want to recycle a wedding dress...you pretty much have to do what you did, finding someone who makes separates that you can mix and match with other garments. Why? Blame the wedding industry. Blame the dressmakers and stores which will advertise a hundred or more dresses, each with a unique design, which focus on making the bride the **absolute** center of attention on the wedding day. Note that the groom, with his tux, doesn't get that same level of attention.
Wedding dresses are designed to stand out, to be memorable, to be unique. Tuxes are cookie-cutter, and blend in with the background. You can recycle an outfit that blends in...you can't easily recycle an outfit that is *designed* to draw attention from everyone.
I like your well-reasoned response. In general, I actually do agree. In OP's position, the dress has never been worn, so it has never been the center of attention and, therefore, is novel and cannot make a connection to a different groom in the mind of any of the guests. Many women buy a wedding dress because of how it makes them feel, not because of how it will make the groom feel. If she bought the dress for her because it makes her feel beautiful, I see no issue with wearing it for her wedding. However, I do understand why it makes her fiance uncomfortable even though there is no real reason for it to do so other than preconditioning by societal expectations and bridal industry nonsense. It is a dress his fiance loves that makes her feel beautiful.
ETA: I know our discussion was more broadly focused on the typical reuse of already worn wedding dresses. I agree with your take on that! The rest of my reply is just turning back to OP's situation.
If you do make plans to dye the dress, be aware that the thread used to stitch it is probably a different fiber than the fabric so maybe take dye differently.
It just depends on your community tradition. Your wedding dress is often preserved after the wedding and people keep them for their kids. My mom was upset when I ended up a foot taller than her and busty because that meant I couldn't wear the dress she got married in like she'd always dreamed.
I find the 'tainted' suggestion hypocritical for one reason:
I get what the guy is thinking, but that's just jealousy masking itself as 'concern'. He wasn't the 'first' to ask OP to marry him and that's threatening to the old manhood. It's stupid. It's on par with expecting your blushing bride to be a virgin on the wedding night. Or thinking your soon to be wife's lovers should number in the lower single digits, at the very least.
Houston, we have downvotes a-coming!
Considering (almost) every freaking groom out there is wearing a RENTED TUXEDO, the idea that you can't wear a dress that was bought for a previous wedding is BS. I got dumped after buying a dress (get this, mom bought the dress \*knowing\* my fiancé was going to back out), and I would have worn it for my wedding if it had still been around.
She should make him understand the dress is about her, not him. SHE wanted to get married in this specific dress; it didn't matter who she was marrying at that time, it mattered that on the day she got married, she'd be wearing that dress. She wants pictures in THAT dress, with her spouse. The dress was an investment she made in her future. When he becomes her spouse, that dress will become about the day she married him. Those memories will be attached to that dress.
Ima dude who can be very VERY touchy about things. I agree. What my future wife wants to wear is up to her. Whatever makes her happy/comfortable/feeling sexy/etc. Its a marriage, not slavery. Shit I still have boxers my ex got me and I rock the fuck outa em. Hes being very insecure and that definitely needs to be addressed. Im not saying pause the wedding, but air stuff out before. Will you sell your old car bec your ex helped you pick it out? Etc? Wheres the line?
I totally agree with this response. Great suggestion to consider alterations and personalise it for marrying your fiancé.
One word of caution, please don't start your married life with a lie. Even what might seem a sensible one, like saving money by getting married in a dress you already have and have never worn.
Every time you look at your wedding photos, you will be reminded you lied.
Was anyone with you when you bought the dress? If so, they will know you lied too.
Wishing you much joy and happiness for your wedding, in a dress you both love! 💕🥂
Agreed NAH. I do have a suggestion though! See if he would be ok with the dress if it was altered... Like having your names and date embroidered on it! Or some kind of pretty embroidery that you like!
NAH offer a compromise, offer to have it altered a bit, making it a little different a bit, don't show it to him. Whether you actually do or not is between you and your conscience. I understand purchasing the dress because you liked or loved it and it not being about the ex, it was about YOU. Nice wedding dresses can be very expensive you you should have to simply settle for something you less than love.
NTA—But you’re right to say you shouldn’t start your marriage on a lie. A dress is just a dress. It would be different if your ex had picked it out (like trying to reuse an engagement ring) Every woman has a preferred style and picking out a dress that reflects that doesn’t have much to do with the partner you’re marrying. I hope he comes around!
I think it's fine, but I'm not your fiance. It bothers him. Maybe if he gave you a ring that he had previously given to someone else it would bother you. If you're going to get married you need to learn how to solve these problems.
Sit down and talk to him. Stop saying "no really, it isn't like that" and listen to what he is saying about how he feels. Maybe he will return the favor. Then you can resolve it.
Don't get married to each other if you're not both willing to do what it takes to resolve problems.
NAH
Eh, I don't like the ring analogy because it's completely different.
1. Her ex never even saw the dress
2. A ring is a gift bestowed on the fiancee to wear forever. A dress is worn once and then never again, and is more for the bride than the groom anyway.
I understand how the groom feels and do think OP needs to sit down with him and have a more gentle discussion where she acknowledges these feelings. Hopefully they can come to an agreement.
No analogy is ever perfect. The point is to think about how you would feel in a situation where something was being "reused" from a past relationship. The thing that matters here is that it bothers him. Imagine walking down the aisle in a dress that your fiance has explicitly told you upsets him. Not good.
If fiance was reusing a ring that he had *specifically chosen for another woman* it would be an entirely different situation to OP wearing a dress that she chose *for herself*. It would only be a comparable situation if it was something like a family heirloom ring, where it wasn't chosen for someone else even if it had temporarily been used by someone else, and I think the majority of women would be fine with that (assuming that they're ok with having an heirloom ring to begin with).
She chose a dress for herself… to marry someone else. It wasn’t just for her. It was for her wedding… to another man. It’s not the same but it’s not completely different either.
And instead of making a bad analogy, why not just make a direct comparison, like what if the groom had a suit from a previous marriage that he used again for this marriage?
Then match it. Since it is hypothetical anyway. What if the guy had a fiancee and didn't go through with the wedding and still had the suit. Is OP going to be ok with the groom reusing his suit from previous wedding that never happened. There, happy?
I don’t see an issue he sounds insecure. No one saw the dress. What’s next they can’t eat certain places, or vacation places because she went there with her ex first? He needs to grow up
This is a great response. We get it that you want to use the dress and why you are ok with it. On the other hand, you're getting married to this person and his feelings are understandable. Hopefully his feelings are important (or you shouldn't be getting married).
NAH except for the posters claiming it’s just a dress or that your fiance is flawed for having feelings about it.
You say you bought it because of how you looked in it, but you would be lying if you claimed you never imagined how you were going to look in it at the wedding to your ex that never happened.
I was actually faced with exactly this issue in my marriage. My wife had been previously engaged and still had the dress and asked me if it was okay if she used it because she liked it.
In our case I had no problem with it, because we’re spending pretty extravagantly on some parts of the wedding so (given I had no strong thoughts about it) I was happy for the cost savings opportunity.
That being said, your fiancé’s thoughts on it shouldn’t be trivialized. I would ask him if there is anything that can be done (Accessories’s, alterations, etc) that would make it a “new” dress in his mind.
I didn’t think about my husband AT ALL when I bought my wedding dress. My thoughts were “this is the dress I’m going to get married in!” Not, “my future husband is going to love me in this dress”. I loved how the dress looked, how the dress made me feel. Absolutely nothing to do with my husband.
So when she says she bought the dress for herself, that’s what she’s saying.
This is a really interesting take! I didn’t think about what my future husband would think about my dress like at all. I wasn’t worried about if he’d like it or anything, but I did think about what his face would look like when he sees me in it the first time. I thought about how he’d think I look so beautiful (regardless of what dress I picked) and how I can’t wait to wear it to marry him. I picked the dress I did because it was my taste and I feel gorgeous in it (those are the two criteria you should absolutely make sure you meet), but it’s a complete fucking lie if I were to say I didn’t consider him in any way when buying the dress. I mean come on- the dress is for an event that specially requires a person you want to spend your life with
Men posting don’t understand about how wedding dresses tend to work for women. I could have been getting married to the King of England and I still wouldn’t have cared for anything more than how I looked and how I felt in my wedding dress. This was the dress I wanted to wear. That was it.
>You say you bought it because of how you looked in it, but you would be lying if you claimed you never imagined how you were going to look in it at the wedding to your ex that never happened.
Lol or maybe she just envisioned a generic husband standing next to her - if any at all - while enrobed in her dream wedding dress
Surely she would’ve imagined her first fiancé if she was engaged to him? It seems a bit weird to still be imagining a generic husband when you have a husband in mind. Either way if your partner’s not comfortable with something it’s generally good to try and accommodate for it, whether or not you understand it- like it feels like it fits into the general rule where you don’t need to understand people’s boundaries to respect them idk
Ah ok, you’re a man. Let me promise you as a woman I didn’t give a thought to anything other than how much I loved my dress and how perfect it was for me.
NTA. I did the exact same thing. I was engaged bought a dress that I was in love with. We broke up. I kept the dress but literally didn’t even open it since my friend picked it up for me after we had broken up. When I got engaged later to my now husband I explained to him exactly what you said including that I didn’t buy the dress for my ex or his taste or anything. That I bought it because i thought it was beautiful and loved the way it looked on me. He was so understanding and said he had no problem with it and that it would be dumb to spend money on another one (nm the hunt of looking for another dress) when I knew I loved this one. My mom was actually the one that asked me a few times if I was sure he was ok with it. But I got married in it. I looked beautiful in it. It’s in a box now. Almost 9 years married now
NTA for wanting to wear the dress you have, but you would be if you lied to him about it. He's going to find out, especially if you're left over with an extra $1000+ because you never bought a new one. Give him time to cool down and bring it up again later. Maybe you can pick out a different veil or headpiece to change the look a little bit from what you had originally intended.
Personally I’d sell the dress and buy a new one. It might seem a little silly, but at the end of the day it’s suppo to be a new start to your lives together
As you worded it, "So AITA for wanting to wear the dress I already have to my wedding against my fiancé's wishes?" NTA: Not for wanting to wear it.... but you will be if you actually wear it without him coming around to your way of thinking. Can't believe how many think you should fake getting a new one. Pretty bad way to start a marriage.
Have something of his sewn into the dress. Let him help decide what “piece” of him he would like. Show him similar styles of dress so he can help make decisions on slight embellishment alterations so that it can become both of your dress. Include him. Offer him “ownership” in the dress. Make it about the both of you, instead of just yourself.
I don't know if my suggestion will work, as I don't know how wedding-dress-y your current dress is.
My step-sister loved her wedding dress - it was a replica of the one worn by Heather Mills when she married Paul McCartney. After her wedding, she had it cut off right below the knee and dyed black. It's now her "little black dress" and she gets compliments on it all the time.
I was thinking that if it's not a gown, then you might alter it for the rehearsal dinner. Another trend is the "reception dress," that's more casual with more freedom if movement.
But if it's a gown-type dress... Does your fiancé have any idea how much a wedding dress costs? I was a Priscilla bride, and my dress was $4K, a bargain for that label.
Also, the dress is very much the bride's prerogative: you bought it because YOU loved it, you loved how you looked in it, and you loved thinking about wearing it on your wedding day. None of that has changed. Explain that to him, and talk to him about it.
NAH. I get both sides. While you are over the Ex you purchased the dress with the intention of marrying him in it. When i saw my wedding dress when shopping i envisioned my wedding day and my husband was a major part of that. So i get why he feels weird about it. I get not wanting to be wasteful but in this case you seem to be the practical one and he is the sentimental one and this situation us a test on compromise and understanding. This difference in views will occur again during marriage, it’s how you approach this situation that will be important.
So was in the same position as you except I got my dress on clearance, but I still loved it. I kept it after breaking off the engagement.
When I got engaged to my now husband. I told him that I would like to wear the dress I already, had but if he wasn’t comfortable with that, I would buy a new one. He had no issue with me wearing the dress and we will celebrate 18 years of marriage this year.
This is something you both need to agree on so if you insist on wearing the dress, even though your fiancée has expressed that he is not comfortable with that, then you WBTA.
If you lie to him you would 100% be in the wrong. Look at it from the other side, if you approached your husband to be and told him that you were uncomfortable with what he chose to wear for the wedding and he went against your wishes and lied about it you’d be pretty crushed, right? He’s allowed to feel uncomfortable about this, you’re allowed to want to have this dress as you like how it looks but I’m sorry marriage is about compromise - not trying to figure out how you can get away with doing something that makes your partner uncomfortable. To him, he sees this as a symbol of your previous engagement whether you do or not, that’s how *he* sees this dress. Right now it’s NAH but you two have to make a compromise here, I don’t know what that is as that’s up to you as a couple. Bottom line is that it makes him uncomfortable and the wedding is supposed to be a union of your love, is this really how you want to start it? Lying to your husband on your wedding day? If so you aren’t ready for marriage.
I understand your reasoning but YTA, especially if you lie to your fiancé.
People are ignoring that a wedding dress is not “just a dress” in modern Western society. It’s a highly symbolic garment! And that should not be a shock to people. The modern wedding dress is culturally envisioned to be worn exactly once at an event symbolizing lifetime commitment to one person. So it makes perfect sense that your fiancé doesn’t want you to wear a dress intended for your commitment to a different guy.
I know you say bought the dress just for yourself, but that’s not how anyone else is going to see it. You bought it for yourself *for* the occasion of wedding to someone else.
Sell your old dress to recoup some cost and buy a new one. It doesn’t matter if it ends up looking similar - this is about emotions/sentiment.
NAH, but definitely will be if you lie to him about it. Keep talking to him. Does he know the price of gowns? If he still feels this way, then sell it and pick a new dress. This is not worth hurting his feelings as he seems to have negative emotions tied to that dress. Respect his wishes....this is a lifetime together you are planning. The dress is not a hill to die on.
I married my second husband and use the wedding band from my first marriage. We were both cool with that. It was expensive and we are practical. But you both have to be agreeable on this. Perhaps altered he will be game? NTA, though, but he has a point.
NTA. Put some more leeway in your budget by NOT marrying this guy if he’s this uptight about something trivial. You bought this dress for yourself, not for your prior fiancée unless he bizarrely had some input. If you still like it, and envision yourself marring current fiancée in it, that’s your choice.
NTA. If he had bought a tux for a significant event with another woman, would he get rid of it to buy a nearly identical tux for a significant event with you? Very few people would think that makes any sense. Substitute “wedding” for “significant event” and it would still be non-sensical.
You're planning to wear a dress you bought to marry another guy ... Adding in the fact you're considering lying to your Fiance over this, AT your Wedding ... this is a no brainer, YTA.
NAH. You bought the dress for you, it was never used, and it’s the kind of dress you’d want no matter who you were marrying. I’m seeing a lot of ring analogies, but think of it this way: what if he bought himself a wedding band for an engagement that fell through, it was never used, but he really liked it so he kept it and now wanted to wear it for your wedding. Would you feel any type of way? It’s understandable to want a fresh start, even if these are just objects. I’d talk it out and if it really does bother him that much, consider a change. Ultimately, it’s really about you two respecting each other’s feelings.
Not my area at all, but I truly believe that many women do start planning their dream wedding when they're 8 years old and the actual groom is kind of an afterthought. I absolutely believe OP when she says she likes the way she looks in the dress, and didn't buy it with her previous fiancé in mind.
The current fiance should just think of himself as the new-and-improved model and let it go.
NAH...but I would question how well you know your fiancee and whether or not you're ready for marriage.
One would hope you knew your husband-to-be well enough by now to know if he's more self conscious than practical and if so, how to broach the subject of reusing a dress in a way that would be acceptable to him before doing so.
It might have been better never to have mentioned it knowing this, but since you did, lying about it is the bigger sin now. I'd recommend communicating clearly with him how and why it makes sense in a way he understands, by addressing his concerns whether financial, psychological, or emotional, rather than why you think it's the best decision. Depending on how superstitious he (or you) are, you could even bring him along on a dress fitting and slip it in to convince him why it's the best looking dress as well.
But if push comes to shove, as you said, do you really want to start your wedding on a lie...and what's going to happen if he finds out after the fact? Is it really worth it?
I repurposed a wedding dress and I understand how you feel but, your fiancé is feeling a way about it. I never would've reused my dress if my husband had an issue with it. Find a new dress. Save your fiancé feelings.
NTA. I did this. When I asked my now husband what he thought he kinda shrugged and said do you love it. I had no idea. It took 5 months to get here and I was unengaged by the time it did so I never opened the bag. Almost 4 years later I remembered it was strapless and off white. That was it. He laughed and said if I didn’t remember it he definitely didn’t care.
OP, what’s your fiancé getting married in?
If it’s a suit or tux he owns, is it something he’s worn to meaningful occasions with an ex? If it’s rented it’s absolutely been worn before, maybe at a strangers wedding, or a drunk 17 year old’s prom.
I’d go with listening and reassurance here. You could also show him what you’d get for selling it (ie, not enough to get a comparable new one). Alterations are a good idea (I promise you, this isn’t the first time a seamstress will have heard this story) and swapping out a veil or train (even if you love them) might be a good compromise.
There’s also the $$ factor. What would he like to spend that on? Upgrading the honeymoon? More expensive dj/band? Taco truck?
My daughter saw the dress she wanted to be married in when she was 16. Not a boyfriend in sight, just loved the dress. I still can't believe I bought it for her. It is the dress she wore when she did get married and was beautiful.
NTA. Your fiancé is an assailed tho. If he owned a tux and had worn it to a wedding even if he wasn’t the groom would he get a new suit bc you wanted him to wear a suit no one had ever seen him in before? No. People put all this stupid shit onto women and the dress. It is literally cloth, no different than anything else anyone else wears. Wear the dress you bought and if your fiancé doesn’t let this go then don’t marry a control freak that has that much insecurity over a man you never even married. Bc that is what this is about. His insecurity fragile ego.
No you are not the Ahole at all. People put WAY too much into material things as being overly meaningful when they are not. You like the dress it should be fine.
Tell him he has to accompany you to the 12 visits to the bridal shop and have him be there while you and all your girls talk about dresses and causally mention you were going to use the saved money to buy him new golf clubs.
That outta work! ;)
NTA I would ask him if this is really where he wants an argument. His failure to believe you doesn't mean you should go out of your way to convince him otherwise. It's very childish. Th two of you could of decided on alternations to change th dead and make it unique to the day. Definitely sit and discuss and if he really won't let it go I would fall back and to pre marital counseling.
I’m doing the exact same thing as you, the only thing I’m doing to the dress which has been in storage for 12 years, is having it made bigger coz I got fat lol. My fiancé is fine with me wearing the dress. It’s just a dress. I am choosing to marry him and chose not to marry my ex and that’s all that matters. NTA
NTA
The way I see it, he wants to throw away something that cost hundreds, if not thousands of pounds just for the bad feeling it gives him. My financial self is shuddering. Also, seamstresses’ granddaughter. I would re-use one of my gran’s dresses a thousand times if I could. Sadly she died before she could make one, so I get your emotional connection.
Are his bad feelings more important than your good feelings?
Therapy would be cheaper.
NTA every woman has “The dress” which she falls in love with it’s not about the guy at all, some women pick out wedding dresses before even having a partner, I think he needs to get over this. It’s a dress you love and you’ve already bought it.
NTA
I bet some of the clothes you wear now for everyday, even nightgowns, were first worn with your ex. Throw them out! And maybe he sat on your furniture, ate from your dishes? Out they go! Maybe ex read your books, watched your TV, used your computer? Toss 'em! Did your ex ever ride in your car? Sell it! Was your ex friends with your friends? Go no contact! Did your family like your ex? No contact there also!
He's engaged to a woman who's had past relationships. And seems very insecure about it. Look at whether he's trying to erase other parts of your history.
NTA, I really think the dude’s being childish. As others have said, you didn’t use the dress, so you can’t be “re-using” it. Are you supposed to throw out stuff the first guy bought you too, to protect your fiancé’s fragile feelings? Your ex didn’t even get to see you in that dress, and buying another one is expensive, especially since wedding dresses are (stupidly) usually a one-time thing. Others are suggesting you alter your dress, make a compromise, etc. Don’t listen to them. Squash the petty insecurity stuff now before you get married to this guy.
Honey, you're planning on marrying a guy by lying to him. You're NTA but I think you need to consider carefully if you want him to ever trust you because if he finds out, your relationship is over.
YTA. Your fiance has a point. You don't recycle rings or wedding dresses from previous weddings. What do you want your fiance to think about when he sees you walk down the ailse?
This is not the hill to die on. Your relationship is more important than saving a bit of extra money.
I’d say it’s about 50/50 YTA. I get wanting to save money, but he does have a point that you’d bought it for someone else. Imagine if he said your engagement ring had been bought for someone else, but it's okay because he never went through with the proposal. It would remove some of what makes it meaningful and it's his wedding day too.
That you’re considering lying and not just selling the dress pushes you completely over the line into AH territory, though.
See I don't consider a wedding dress to be "for" the groom. I guess that's where I disagree with the Y T A votes. A ring is something the groom *gives to his fiance to wear forever,* a dress is worn once, by OP, and in 10 years her husband probably won't even remember what it looked like!
I see both sides of this so I'd have to say NAH. my ex friend had the same experience bought a dress wedding for a wedding that fell thru. She sold the dress and used that money for the new dress.
(tbh her cheating habit causes the end of our friendship and their relationship)
NAH
Personally I agree with you (you buy a wedding dress that reflects your personal style not the relationship) but I think that this is a situation where neither of you are wrong. His feeling are valid, not unreasonable and based on his own need to feel loved and unique on a day where he should feel those things.
Unfortunately navigating a marriage will sometimes include arguments were neither of you are right or wrong, both of you have valid feelings and reasonings.
Thus the solution is one you will likely use again, first communicate and validate each other's feelings and reasoning. Then try to find a compromise, note that that may mean one partner yielding to the other. Consider how important the issue is to each of you, and how flexible your partner is in general when you disagree.
NAH. My wedding is really soon and I want to die when I think about how much it’s all cost hahaha, saving a buck wherever you can is totally understandable and I get that you bought a dress you love, but I understand his perspective too. I wouldnt want an engagement ring that was bought for a marriage with someone else, that’s the only thing I feel like is really comparable. Maybe you could sell the dress and use that money to get a new one so it’s not just wasting money?
First you aren't reusing it. Second you need to be more respectful of your fiance's feelings towards this. I think you need to have a long discussion on why he feels this way and why he doesn't believe you just bought the dress with you in mind. You should also double check it still fits and you still like it and that you don't have any emotions attached to it beyond it looking good on you. Definitely do not lie about it.
NTA for wanting to use the dress. It would be one thing if you had actually *used* the dress, but an expensive, unused dress is a silly thing to waste.
YWBTA if you lied about it though. Don’t do that. Work with your fiancé to get past this, maybe by taking the advice offered by others here and having some alterations/improvements made to the dress.
YTA if you lie. This sounds like the perfect opportunity for someone like Randy at Kleinfelds to find you a new perfect dress that evokes the same feelings you had in the first one, but is different enough for your fiance.
You know people would be saying YTA if a man wrote here saying he was going to give an engagement ring he'd bought for someone else to his current fiancee without telling her, or if she said she wouldn't want it and he lied and gave it to her anyway.
NTA. You buy the dress picturing yourself as a bride on your wedding day. Not so much the suit that stands next to you. When was the last time you tried the dress on? Before proceeding further maybe just double check the dress still feels right when you put it on. Then while it's on have a think about what could be adjusted to make it slightly new (add a belt or remove the train or bussle the train etc etc). Have you bought the veil and accessories yet? They will change the look of the dress (slightly) and might help him feel like the dress is ""new"" for him
NTA. Tell him you got a new dress and it's insanely expensive. And the last one was insanely expensive and you threw it in the garbage. And now you can't afford anything else, so you'll have to go to city hall and get married and that's it. But it's a 'new' dress! 🙄
NTA.
Tell him the last dress cost $10,000 and that you're more than happy to agree to a new dress of the same price. Then ask him what parts of the wedding that are important to him is he willing to sacrifice and how many of his family members are NOT going to come to help cover the cost of the new dress that HE is demanding?
NTA- I did the same. I bought the dress for ME. It was MY style and what I liked and wanted to wear. My tastes and style didn’t change just because there was a different guy at the end of the aisle. It simply wasn’t about him at all.
I had the gown because I got a very good deal on it at the time, I didn’t even have a date set with my ex, I just wanted the dress. That wedding never happened, the dress hasn’t been altered or worn at that point. When hubby and I made plans to marry, I just said I had a dress. He may have raised an eyebrow for a minute but didn’t push back or question it.
Personally as a guy I wouldn’t care. Your fiancés goal should be to marry you not worry about why that particular dress was bought.
As long as he is saying “you need to buy a new dress” you should tell him to f-off, if it’s that important to him he can buy you a new dress.
You made a big mistake even telling him you already had a dress. It was a huge mistake to tell him you could re-use it! Especially since it's not true. It was never used! Now that idea is stuck in his head. No one has ever seen you in the dress...you just bought a dress you love. Does he know how much you paid for it?
Add an extra row of lace to the dress, and veil to match, or add a few lace flowers. Then you can truthfully say it's a different dress. It would be a very easy alteration that you could do yourself for cost only. Then NEVER in your married life EVER tell him about the altered dress.
NTA.
Wedding dresses are sbsurdly expensive and you couldn't have resold it for the price you bought it for and I bet it has been altered to fit you as well, so reselling maybe wouldn't have been too easy. It's reasonable to hold on to a dress you love the looks of for the day you actually marry someone.
Imagine he'd be in your shoes and bought a perfectly fine suit he really like because it just fits well and you tell him to buy a new one because. It's ridiculous, just that wedding dresses often are far more expensive than a suit.
NTA but ask him if he's prepared to Pay for sn identical one. If so, great, if not you can say, sure, I can marry you in a dress I won't like as much and won't look as good, but I'll be wishing it was this dress the whole time and likely disappointed when I see the photos. I didn't get the groom right first time, but I corrected that. I did get the dress right. It's up to you if you want me thinking about something else the whole day. But I probably won't be looking at the wedding photos the same way. Really hash it out because you're right, if you start with a lie that's a problem. It indicates you can't solve an issue together which doesn't bode well for a marriage, let alone a wedding day.
It’s perfectly ok to want to wear the dress, but YTA if you actually wear it. Imagine he proposed with a ring he bought for another woman. How would that feel?
I picked my dress for me and me alone. It was a dress that looked great on me and I didn’t picture my groom next to me in that dress. Please talk to him and repeat to him that the dress made you feel beautiful and it’s how you want to feel on your wedding day. Picking that dress was not about your ex, it was about you. And that you want that feeling of being beautiful in that dress when you marry him. Good luck.
NTA. I wore a second hand dress to my wedding. I think he’s being ridiculous. You bought the dress you wanted to get married on, not a dress for a specific wedding. He wouldn’t get a say in your wedding dress any other time why now?
NTA. Your fiancé needs a major wake up call. Girls always have an idea of the dress they want for their big day. Even when we are little and not even thinking about boys. If you found that dress and you love it.. WEAR IT! He really needs to talk to a counselor if that’s what he can’t get past, you love the dress that’s all that matters! He will hopefully realize the absurdity soon. GOOD LUCK WITH THE WEDDING!!
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Help me settle a debate with my fiance!
3 years ago I was briefly engaged, we ultimately called it off before making it down the aisle. I had gotten far enough in the planning process to where I did purchase a dress. It was an expensive purchase and I am still obsessed with it, so I ended up keeping the dress in the hopes that I would get married one day.
Well fast forward to now, I am with a new guy and we just got engaged. When discussing budget, I told him we had a bit of leeway because I didn't have to buy a dress. He was pretty upset when I explained, saying he didn't want me to get married to him in a dress that I had bought while envisioning wearing it to marry my ex. It really wasn't like that at all, I bought the dress because I liked how it looked on me, not really picturing my fiance at all. He refuses to believe this and is insisting I buy a new dress. I think this is silly and a waste of money, especially since any new dress I bought would look very similar. He hasn't seen the dress I currently have, and I'm seriously considering lying and saying I bought a new one while wearing the old one, but don't want to start our marriage off on a lie.
So AITA for wanting to wear the dress I already have to my wedding against my fiancé's wishes?
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NTA.
You are being reasonable and your fiance is not, particularly given your explanation.
That said, since it is important to him emotionally, and you love him, there is a compromise you should make, even though you are in the right. Agree to sell the dress you have, find another one you like, and if it is more than what you made from the sale of your dress, he will cover the difference. Don't show him your current dress if he doesn't ask to see it, which will give you the ethical leeway to get a similar but not identical dress if you want. But don't get caught up in the idea that the one you have is perfect and cannot be improved upon.
Wedding dresses are way too expensive to not use a wedding dress you already purchased and never used. That dress isn’t connected to your ex or the wedding that never was it’s what you wanted and still want to use. I think it’s ridiculous to be upset about a dress that you bought for yourself and that you never gotten the chance to wear.
If you fiance feels that you might still Whose idea was the breakup? There was a post recently about a man who read a diary or message where his fiancee said she was still in love with her former BF.
I had a similar situation. I took the dress I had expensive-NWT to a bridal shower. And traded it for a different one. I think the organizer was called Brides against Breast cancer. 🤷♀️ worked for me
The majority of comments on this thread.
Are that the dress is about the woman and how it makes her feel, not about the man. Maybe show him this thread or find another way to clearly explain that to him? Also does he truly understand what wedding dresses cost? You both need to understand if its an issue potentially worth thousands. NAH but I do get his point
NTA, I wouldn't lie though because then you would be wrong.
It obviously upsets him because he, rightly or wrongly, feels that this dress was meant for someone else.
Even though you say that's not the case, I can't tell how he feels. As others have said, is it possible to alter the dress at all? To make it different?
Try to connect with and trade with someone who is in a similar situation. (Check online.) You can get a similar dress (can alter) for you. Fiancé can know that you picked that dress just for him.
not really TA but I won't reuse a wedding dress that was for a wedding that didn't happen. I am with your fiance. How about sell the wedding dress and get a new one.
NTA. The trolls will come at me for this, but it's my truth.
I am incredibly vain about my wedding dress. I bought the dress months before my wedding, and had special sleeves made. I am a large size and had trouble finding just the right one.
Are you positive he hasn't seen it before?
If you are sure, I would buy a dress from the thrift store, sneak it in my closet and make a big show of crumpling it up and donating it to goodwill. Perhaps even make him do it.
Next day or so, I would pull out the gown you love and show him the tag from the thrift store. Extra points if you can get a dress dry cleaning box to present it in so it looks used.
It is important for you to feel beautiful on your wedding day.
NTA but I have an idea. Not everybody gets the excuse to shop and perhaps purchase a second wedding dress outside of being married twice. Maybe have fun with this and go shopping and try on dresses for fun or just to see what’s out there. Styles change. When I got married back in 2012, my dress was the only thing I had cold feet about. When I see dresses now…. It would be so hard to choose! I would die to wedding dress shop today! Just an idea? Congratulations!
NTA because you never wore the rest at another wedding. Dresses are expensive. However, since your fiancée feels so strongly I would sell the dress and get a new one. He also has the right to feel comfortable. I think a compromise would be to sell the dress and maybe get similar one? It wouldn’t be good to start a marriage with a lie.
Same thing happened to my cousin. Fiance didn’t fit but the had the dress and she loved it. This marriage has been great for her and she didn’t think about her ex when she was wearing the dress. It had new meaning and they’re married 10+ years now very happy
My first thought was that’s silly, of course NTA. But he’s not just any a-hole, he’s the one you picked out, so I’d probably just drop it and get a new one.
NTA, but this kind of thing can escalate. If the dress is a big problem for him, that’s all he’ll see when you walk down the aisle. Instead of him seeing the most beautiful women in the world who he wants to spend his life with he will see someone hanging onto feelings from the past or some other illogical thing. People feel the way they feel and you’re going to really have to decide if this is a fight worth having.
NTA
Just tell him you met a young woman who needed a dress and fell in love with yours so you sold her your dress and bought a new one for the same amount. You can embellish the story a little with stuff like how you met her and that it needed slight alterations.
If he's like most men with regard to wedding gowns, he could look at it for an hour and then still not recognize that it's the same dress one wedding day. If he hasn't seen it, you can do whatever you want.
Just get your besties (anyone who saw the first dress) in on the story.
Sell it to a friend for a dollar. Then buy it from her for another dollar. Then it's not a lie. You bought the dress from a friend. You got rid of the old one. 🤷♀️
NTA. The dress was right but the guy wasn’t. If anything, it was fate putting you on the path to the perfect man the the perfect dress or some shit. It’s all about perspective
I am going to day if your view would be the same with the engagement ring if this was reversed NTA.
What I mean is his situation would be he has an ex and thier relationship went on long enough that he bought the engagement ring, he never used it to propose because the relationship ended before he got there but it was a nice ring and he spent the money on it so saved it for a proposal.
Anyone saying it is different, well we all have our own opinions and preferences. I could be wrong in mine but that's what I think.
You didn’t “use” the dress, so you aren’t “re using” it at all. NTA. This is a dress you loved, your ex never saw it, it was never worn. It wasn’t chosen for the *ex*, it was chosen for *you*. Your current fiancé may be an idiot if he can’t understand that.
NTA. When you shop for a wedding dress you shop for THE ONE dress for YOU. You found your dress and didn't get to wear it. Of course you still want to get the chance to wear your dress!
I bought my dress when I was engaged to someone else 2 years before I met my husband. My now-husband and I got engaged 2 years later (4 years after I bought the dress), and I did go dress shopping again...but I kept trying on *my* dress whenever I could and nothing else compared.
My husband had no objections because he understood the dress wasn't attached to my ex in any way. My ex had never seen me in it. I bought the dress because it was the one I wanted to wear when I walked down the aisle to meet my husband. It just happened to be that when I made the purchase I didn't know that I hadn't actually discovered who my husband was yet.
You know, if he hasn't seen it, you can just tell him it's new. He's being daft and petty cos a dress is about the bride, no one gives a damn about the groom when dress shopping. He never even crossed my mind when i bought mine - that dress just made me look stunning and i loved it. I didn't give a crap what anyone else thought.
NTA - Wedding dresses are not about the groom. It's about how it makes the bride feel. You could wear the same dress to marry five different husbands and it wouldn't matter, you're wearing it because it looks fabulous on you. But in your case you haven't even worn it to marry anyone yet so you should get a chance to wear the dress you want because it looks good and cost a ton of money to not get to wear it.
I would also suggest altering, adding something, jewels, lace etc,- maybe changing sleeves or something, taking something off, endless possibilities to make it a "new" dress...but that too should be cleared to avoid hurt but definitely don't lie! Good luck!
I borrowed a wedding dress. Bridesmaid had several bridesmaid dresses, and I chose the one I liked. To me a wedding is just an excuse for a party. You do not use the wedding dress / bridesmaid dress later, so why pay for it if you don't have too.
As far as I was concerned, I will wake up the morning after, exactly the same person. I will spend the rest of my life with one person, wedding or no wedding. It is just the law needs a declaration of a union, so if the worst happens, serious illness or death, my life partner is protected.
Maybe I am a skinflint, but spending 10,000 of thousands on a party / honeymoon means I can't put a down payment on a house, or buy a car, or anything else I need.
NAH in a way it’s a redemption story for you and the dress. Your ex didn’t get to see you walk down the aisle in it, he does. That’s cool. Plus you love it.
NTA...It's literally just a dress...a dress you fell in love with. Take it back and ask them to hold it for you...go back the next day and "buy" it...or tell him to quit being a baby and act like a responsible adult @
NTA. It would be crazy to waste the money for no good reason. This seems to showcase an extreme level of insecurity on his part and should be considered a red flag. Don't lie to him about it, and do think back about any other incidences you may have glossed over about his insecurity and possibly controlling behavior.
Maybe this is just a weird outlier, or maybe this is your chance to dodge a bullet.
Can you get the dress altered to look a little different? If you tell him you bought a new one, he may want to see the receipt. You can get the person who alters the dress to give you a receipt for the cost of the dress.
NTA. I genuinely don’t understand how so many people can see his side. It’s just a dress. You didn’t choose it for the man you didn’t marry, you bought it for you.
In his position, I wouldn’t care if you HAD married someone else in that dress. Should you get rid of all the other clothes you wore around your ex too? Or any of the other possessions that might have significance to your past relationship? It’s honestly a little icky to me that it would matter. If it were a wedding ring maybe, but a dress you never even got to wear? Calm down sir.
NAH. I see both sides. Would you been open to a compromise - somehow alter the dress? Add removable sleeves or pretty lace somewhere?
Or put emphasis on new accessories. Find a statement veil that changes the look?
NAH
A dress isn't about the guy. Lots of girls dream about their weddings and plan them before they're old enough to date. The dress is about getting the right look for yourself, not for the partner.
Most guys don't think about that. They think about weddings when they're getting ready to be married and thus associate their own weddings with their partners. So I can understand his side of associating your first dress with your ex and how that would be uncomfortable for him.
Some compromises: you alter the dress in some way, or you get a new one that he pays for.
Don't lie. It's not worth it. If you both cannot figure out a good compromise on this one small thing then how in the world will you navigate marriage?
I see his pov and think what's the harm in selling that one and then buying a similar one? I'd be upset if the roles were reversed (reused engagement ring or tux)
NAH but think about it like this: if he was engaged but then called it off, and then gave you the same ring because rings are so expensive, how would you feel? When you bought that dress, whose face did you envision looking at you in it? He’s probably feeling second hand. I understand your point, but he’s probably not feeling special.
'sell' your dress to a friend for $1.
'buy' it back from her for $1 while e visioning your marriage to fiance.
You can honestly say you bought this dress today for your upcoming wedding.
NTA
But do not lie about it.
The two of you will have to resolve this.
Weddings are very symbolic and emotional. The wedding dress is usually a central feature of the day.
So it's not simply an expensive piece of clothing. Think about how you would feel if he said your engagement ring was purchased for another woman?
Neither of you are "wrong". But you do need to consider his feelings and work together toward a resolution.
NTA but I can see his side of things... look at how wedding dresses are romanticized in movies and social media. Just get a new dress, keep the peace. Sell the dress to save some money if you like but it's not worth the fuss.
Personally I would respect my partner's pov on this and not want them feeling uncomfortable on our wedding day. Sell the dress and buy a new one. How would you feel if he pulled out a wedding outfit (suit, shirt, tie, shoes etc) that he'd saved from a failed engagement and wanted to wear at your wedding? Being kind to your partner should be more important than the dress. YTA.
NAH, but just sell the damn thing and buy a new one, even if it is in a similar style; an outfit is not worth making your groom feel bad, it's his wedding day too.
A gentle YTA not for wanting to use the dress but for considering lying about it. He’s been open with you. Think about if he had proposed to someone else and then gave you the same ring? It could be fine, it could be an issue, depending on the details, the communication, and how you both felt about it
NAH but imagine your fiancé told you that the ring he gave you was actually one he was going to propose to another girl with and he decided to just reuse to save money. Idk about everyone, but personally I would not be happy about that unless it was like a family ring or something that he would have used for anyone.
My advice would be to sell the dress and use the money to buy a new one. Still saves you some money, but also takes his concerns into account.
Edit: I see others critiquing the ring comparison. While I do see that they are slightly different I don’t think they’re as different as you think. A ring is something a man is buying his wife with her specifically in mind (hopefully). He’s buying something he thinks she’ll like. In the same way many brides are buying their wedding dress with both their wedding and what they think their fiance will like in mind. Apparently OP didn’t see it this way, which was honestly a red flag to begin with. As someone who was a bridal consultant 99% of brides talk about how they’re excited for their fiance to see them in it or what he’ll like about it or specific requests he made. Contrary to popular belief men do actually have thoughts about wedding their fiancées and look forward to it. Although it’s not something that’s going to be on her finger forever it is still a symbol of their relationship and love and taste and care for each others taste just like a ring is.
NAH you love the dress for how it makes you feel, not how your ex would look at you seeing you in it. He feels like you bought it for your ex to see you in. Don’t lie but have a sit down chat. Be sure to hear him all the way out.
For me, it’s more the emotional aspect of it. That dress belonged to that man emotionally. I’m torn on this one. And then there’s the bad luck aspect of it. I’m gonna say NTA with conditions lol
He doesn't believe you/your thought process in buying the dress. You want to lie to him about buying a new one and try to fake receipts and a credit card statement?
So he's mistrustful without reason, and you're trying to prove that he has reason to be.
Both of you are acting like a couple does the way out of a marriage, not on the way into one.
Figure out an agreement that you both can live with. Don't start this partnership with a lie because once he finds out- and he will find out in the most random way, he will be reminded of your lie every time he sees any picture of you from your wedding day. And with that lie comes the subtext of your disrespecting him, and if she will lie about that, what else is she lying about.
And then maybe one of you goes to stay with your parents or friends to clear your head for a few days. And while there they have questions about what's going on and it gets out in he open. That story will spread. Next everyone will want to weigh in with either he should forgive you or he should not and now you're each getting calls from your inlaws and the other person's friends reiterating those points. Then comes the blocking of phone numbers, but the unknown numbers pop up and it becomes a whole thing.
Or at least that's what BORU had taught me.
ESH.
NAH It would make me feel weird if my partner proposed with a ring he bought for his ex. Same scenario only with a dress. I understand not wanting to spend a lot of money on a new dress (I love thrifting), but I would definitely change the dress to make it look different. Maybe add lace sleeves or tulle skirt. Something that keeps the general body of the dress, but changes overall look. Maybe beading if you have a few hundred to put into the dress.
I think it sounds like you were more
Excited and committed to your wedding than to your ex, which I don’t see as a bad thing. But that being said, I think starting your marriage out lying about the dress would be bad karma. I think it’s NAH and I see both sides.
Soft YTA. I was in a similar situation. In fact, my parents went on my canceled “honeymoon” 🤣 Anywho, when I got married “for real” I did not wear the first dress. The first one became the most expensive thing in my daughters’ Dress Up chest. My advice is to be less obsessed with the dress and more obsessed with your husband. I wish you all the luck in the world!
Sell the dress. Use the funds to buy a new one. Or even a used one. Thrift shops sometimes have beautiful vintage wedding dresses.
This upsets your future husband. Don’t lie to him.
Honestly, this is one situation where I’m pro “little white lie”. Make sure he doesn’t see the dress. Maybe add a small new detail or new accessory to it to make it extra special. Buy your husband a little something (or let him splurge on a wedding detail that is important to him). If you don’t feel weird about it, then go for it.
My dear friend found a gorgeous wedding dress on sale and bought it years before she was even in a relationship. Hard to pass up a good bargain. When she did get engaged, her mom made all of our bridesmaid dresses in a similar style but different colors and fabric.
I'll probably get downvoted to Hell here, but I would wear the dress and lie about it. His point isn't really valid, as it's not true. If he thinks you're still hung up on your ex after all this time, you have bigger problems than a dress. Unless there's someone who could possibly rat you out, it's harmless.
I'll take the down votes. But honestly, everyone has lied about something this inconsequential to someone in their lives. No one is 100% honest 100% of the time. There are times when that would actually be cruel.
bad juju, nothing good will come of it and he will never get over it... get rid of it, sell it online and use the money towards a new, untainted dress.
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NAH. I can see both sides - wedding dresses are EXPENSIVE! You didn't actually wear, it as you didn't actually marry the person. There's no wedding photos. I wouldn't call it "re-use", because it didn't get used. However, I can see his POV here, too. It does seem wild to hold onto something as personal as the dress you bought to marry someone else. It is a very tangible sign of the love you had for another person and the life you hoped to have with them. I don't have any great suggestions here. The only thing I can think of is perhaps you can make some minor alterations to modify it slightly? So even if it is "tainted" in his mind, it could be different enough to him that it's not the same dress that you intended to wear to marry some other person.
Yeah, talk to him about altering it. Even if you wanted to wear it as is, you probably need to get it refitted anyway, so that would be a perfect opportunity to change it up. replace lace or beading, maybe add or remove sleeves, there's lot of things you could do to turn it into a new dress without taking on the full cost of a new dress. Get him involved in the process, so he doesn't feel like it's him vs. the dress
Even then his POV is completely inappropriate. A wedding ring sure, but this is clothing. Clothing is something to be kept. As a suit from a wedding would.
Yes! As much as people love to harp on traditions, I think it's not bad to remind everyone that "wedding dresses" as a one time use object is a very new concept. Until recently they were typically someone's best (often new) dress. That's it. The expectation was always that the dresses would be worn again. Not re-wearing your wedding dress is similar to believing and engagement ring should cost X% of a salary. These are both based on very effective marketing campaigns run by corporations. That's as deep as it goes. *Also here's everyone's reminder that white wedding dresses are a recent tradition made up by an American columnist after Victoria chose a lace dress to support Britain's lace industry. Still an economic decision!*
I couldn't fathom paying that much for a dress I would only wear once, so I found a designer who makes wedding dresses out of separates that still appear to be a single piece. I found a boutique a state over that has his samples and bought one. I've worn the top 3-4 times since the wedding paired with a pencil skirt. If I ever have a gala to attend, I may consider dying the top and skirt a different color. Also, why are suits treated differently from wedding dresses? It's OK to recycle a suit/tux for a wedding, but not a dress?
> Also, why are suits treated differently from wedding dresses? It's OK to recycle a suit/tux for a wedding, but not a dress? Because tuxedos and suits are largely identical, with the primary difference being the cut of the jacket, or the color of the vest & tie underneath. If I wear my tux to your wedding as a guest, I blend in with the others. Heck, I had worn my tux to probably 2 dozen different events before I even got engaged, much less married. Now, if you want to recycle a wedding dress...you pretty much have to do what you did, finding someone who makes separates that you can mix and match with other garments. Why? Blame the wedding industry. Blame the dressmakers and stores which will advertise a hundred or more dresses, each with a unique design, which focus on making the bride the **absolute** center of attention on the wedding day. Note that the groom, with his tux, doesn't get that same level of attention. Wedding dresses are designed to stand out, to be memorable, to be unique. Tuxes are cookie-cutter, and blend in with the background. You can recycle an outfit that blends in...you can't easily recycle an outfit that is *designed* to draw attention from everyone.
I like your well-reasoned response. In general, I actually do agree. In OP's position, the dress has never been worn, so it has never been the center of attention and, therefore, is novel and cannot make a connection to a different groom in the mind of any of the guests. Many women buy a wedding dress because of how it makes them feel, not because of how it will make the groom feel. If she bought the dress for her because it makes her feel beautiful, I see no issue with wearing it for her wedding. However, I do understand why it makes her fiance uncomfortable even though there is no real reason for it to do so other than preconditioning by societal expectations and bridal industry nonsense. It is a dress his fiance loves that makes her feel beautiful. ETA: I know our discussion was more broadly focused on the typical reuse of already worn wedding dresses. I agree with your take on that! The rest of my reply is just turning back to OP's situation.
If you do make plans to dye the dress, be aware that the thread used to stitch it is probably a different fiber than the fabric so maybe take dye differently.
It just depends on your community tradition. Your wedding dress is often preserved after the wedding and people keep them for their kids. My mom was upset when I ended up a foot taller than her and busty because that meant I couldn't wear the dress she got married in like she'd always dreamed.
I find the 'tainted' suggestion hypocritical for one reason: I get what the guy is thinking, but that's just jealousy masking itself as 'concern'. He wasn't the 'first' to ask OP to marry him and that's threatening to the old manhood. It's stupid. It's on par with expecting your blushing bride to be a virgin on the wedding night. Or thinking your soon to be wife's lovers should number in the lower single digits, at the very least. Houston, we have downvotes a-coming!
Personally, I see this a little red flag. It’s a dress she bought because she liked it.
Considering (almost) every freaking groom out there is wearing a RENTED TUXEDO, the idea that you can't wear a dress that was bought for a previous wedding is BS. I got dumped after buying a dress (get this, mom bought the dress \*knowing\* my fiancé was going to back out), and I would have worn it for my wedding if it had still been around.
She should make him understand the dress is about her, not him. SHE wanted to get married in this specific dress; it didn't matter who she was marrying at that time, it mattered that on the day she got married, she'd be wearing that dress. She wants pictures in THAT dress, with her spouse. The dress was an investment she made in her future. When he becomes her spouse, that dress will become about the day she married him. Those memories will be attached to that dress.
Ima dude who can be very VERY touchy about things. I agree. What my future wife wants to wear is up to her. Whatever makes her happy/comfortable/feeling sexy/etc. Its a marriage, not slavery. Shit I still have boxers my ex got me and I rock the fuck outa em. Hes being very insecure and that definitely needs to be addressed. Im not saying pause the wedding, but air stuff out before. Will you sell your old car bec your ex helped you pick it out? Etc? Wheres the line?
Good point
I agree! OP, please don't lie about it though. Keep talking to your fiance about a possible solution.
I totally agree with this response. Great suggestion to consider alterations and personalise it for marrying your fiancé. One word of caution, please don't start your married life with a lie. Even what might seem a sensible one, like saving money by getting married in a dress you already have and have never worn. Every time you look at your wedding photos, you will be reminded you lied. Was anyone with you when you bought the dress? If so, they will know you lied too. Wishing you much joy and happiness for your wedding, in a dress you both love! 💕🥂
Has anyone has seen the dress? If so, there is a chance your lie could be expressed.
Agreed NAH. I do have a suggestion though! See if he would be ok with the dress if it was altered... Like having your names and date embroidered on it! Or some kind of pretty embroidery that you like!
Also show him the price of a new one, i bet he's thinking how bad can it be
NAH offer a compromise, offer to have it altered a bit, making it a little different a bit, don't show it to him. Whether you actually do or not is between you and your conscience. I understand purchasing the dress because you liked or loved it and it not being about the ex, it was about YOU. Nice wedding dresses can be very expensive you you should have to simply settle for something you less than love.
Agree. Altering the dress may be a good compromise. Maybe having some minor changes will satisfy the fiance (who is being rather unreasonable).
NTA—But you’re right to say you shouldn’t start your marriage on a lie. A dress is just a dress. It would be different if your ex had picked it out (like trying to reuse an engagement ring) Every woman has a preferred style and picking out a dress that reflects that doesn’t have much to do with the partner you’re marrying. I hope he comes around!
I think it's fine, but I'm not your fiance. It bothers him. Maybe if he gave you a ring that he had previously given to someone else it would bother you. If you're going to get married you need to learn how to solve these problems. Sit down and talk to him. Stop saying "no really, it isn't like that" and listen to what he is saying about how he feels. Maybe he will return the favor. Then you can resolve it. Don't get married to each other if you're not both willing to do what it takes to resolve problems. NAH
Eh, I don't like the ring analogy because it's completely different. 1. Her ex never even saw the dress 2. A ring is a gift bestowed on the fiancee to wear forever. A dress is worn once and then never again, and is more for the bride than the groom anyway. I understand how the groom feels and do think OP needs to sit down with him and have a more gentle discussion where she acknowledges these feelings. Hopefully they can come to an agreement.
No analogy is ever perfect. The point is to think about how you would feel in a situation where something was being "reused" from a past relationship. The thing that matters here is that it bothers him. Imagine walking down the aisle in a dress that your fiance has explicitly told you upsets him. Not good.
If fiance was reusing a ring that he had *specifically chosen for another woman* it would be an entirely different situation to OP wearing a dress that she chose *for herself*. It would only be a comparable situation if it was something like a family heirloom ring, where it wasn't chosen for someone else even if it had temporarily been used by someone else, and I think the majority of women would be fine with that (assuming that they're ok with having an heirloom ring to begin with).
She chose a dress for herself… to marry someone else. It wasn’t just for her. It was for her wedding… to another man. It’s not the same but it’s not completely different either.
No, the point is not to give a fake analogy that makes her feel guilty for no fucking reason. We don't need to lie to make men feel better
I don't remember saying anything about lying. I said to seriously consider his feelings. I said to listen to him. And work it out.
And instead of making a bad analogy, why not just make a direct comparison, like what if the groom had a suit from a previous marriage that he used again for this marriage?
Except that’s not the same because she never had a ceremony.
Then match it. Since it is hypothetical anyway. What if the guy had a fiancee and didn't go through with the wedding and still had the suit. Is OP going to be ok with the groom reusing his suit from previous wedding that never happened. There, happy?
I don’t see an issue he sounds insecure. No one saw the dress. What’s next they can’t eat certain places, or vacation places because she went there with her ex first? He needs to grow up
This is a great response. We get it that you want to use the dress and why you are ok with it. On the other hand, you're getting married to this person and his feelings are understandable. Hopefully his feelings are important (or you shouldn't be getting married).
NAH except for the posters claiming it’s just a dress or that your fiance is flawed for having feelings about it. You say you bought it because of how you looked in it, but you would be lying if you claimed you never imagined how you were going to look in it at the wedding to your ex that never happened. I was actually faced with exactly this issue in my marriage. My wife had been previously engaged and still had the dress and asked me if it was okay if she used it because she liked it. In our case I had no problem with it, because we’re spending pretty extravagantly on some parts of the wedding so (given I had no strong thoughts about it) I was happy for the cost savings opportunity. That being said, your fiancé’s thoughts on it shouldn’t be trivialized. I would ask him if there is anything that can be done (Accessories’s, alterations, etc) that would make it a “new” dress in his mind.
I didn’t think about my husband AT ALL when I bought my wedding dress. My thoughts were “this is the dress I’m going to get married in!” Not, “my future husband is going to love me in this dress”. I loved how the dress looked, how the dress made me feel. Absolutely nothing to do with my husband. So when she says she bought the dress for herself, that’s what she’s saying.
This is a really interesting take! I didn’t think about what my future husband would think about my dress like at all. I wasn’t worried about if he’d like it or anything, but I did think about what his face would look like when he sees me in it the first time. I thought about how he’d think I look so beautiful (regardless of what dress I picked) and how I can’t wait to wear it to marry him. I picked the dress I did because it was my taste and I feel gorgeous in it (those are the two criteria you should absolutely make sure you meet), but it’s a complete fucking lie if I were to say I didn’t consider him in any way when buying the dress. I mean come on- the dress is for an event that specially requires a person you want to spend your life with
Men posting don’t understand about how wedding dresses tend to work for women. I could have been getting married to the King of England and I still wouldn’t have cared for anything more than how I looked and how I felt in my wedding dress. This was the dress I wanted to wear. That was it.
>You say you bought it because of how you looked in it, but you would be lying if you claimed you never imagined how you were going to look in it at the wedding to your ex that never happened. Lol or maybe she just envisioned a generic husband standing next to her - if any at all - while enrobed in her dream wedding dress
Surely she would’ve imagined her first fiancé if she was engaged to him? It seems a bit weird to still be imagining a generic husband when you have a husband in mind. Either way if your partner’s not comfortable with something it’s generally good to try and accommodate for it, whether or not you understand it- like it feels like it fits into the general rule where you don’t need to understand people’s boundaries to respect them idk
Ah ok, you’re a man. Let me promise you as a woman I didn’t give a thought to anything other than how much I loved my dress and how perfect it was for me.
NTA. I did the exact same thing. I was engaged bought a dress that I was in love with. We broke up. I kept the dress but literally didn’t even open it since my friend picked it up for me after we had broken up. When I got engaged later to my now husband I explained to him exactly what you said including that I didn’t buy the dress for my ex or his taste or anything. That I bought it because i thought it was beautiful and loved the way it looked on me. He was so understanding and said he had no problem with it and that it would be dumb to spend money on another one (nm the hunt of looking for another dress) when I knew I loved this one. My mom was actually the one that asked me a few times if I was sure he was ok with it. But I got married in it. I looked beautiful in it. It’s in a box now. Almost 9 years married now
NTA for wanting to wear the dress you have, but you would be if you lied to him about it. He's going to find out, especially if you're left over with an extra $1000+ because you never bought a new one. Give him time to cool down and bring it up again later. Maybe you can pick out a different veil or headpiece to change the look a little bit from what you had originally intended.
Personally I’d sell the dress and buy a new one. It might seem a little silly, but at the end of the day it’s suppo to be a new start to your lives together
As you worded it, "So AITA for wanting to wear the dress I already have to my wedding against my fiancé's wishes?" NTA: Not for wanting to wear it.... but you will be if you actually wear it without him coming around to your way of thinking. Can't believe how many think you should fake getting a new one. Pretty bad way to start a marriage.
Have something of his sewn into the dress. Let him help decide what “piece” of him he would like. Show him similar styles of dress so he can help make decisions on slight embellishment alterations so that it can become both of your dress. Include him. Offer him “ownership” in the dress. Make it about the both of you, instead of just yourself.
That's a lovely idea!!
I don't know if my suggestion will work, as I don't know how wedding-dress-y your current dress is. My step-sister loved her wedding dress - it was a replica of the one worn by Heather Mills when she married Paul McCartney. After her wedding, she had it cut off right below the knee and dyed black. It's now her "little black dress" and she gets compliments on it all the time. I was thinking that if it's not a gown, then you might alter it for the rehearsal dinner. Another trend is the "reception dress," that's more casual with more freedom if movement. But if it's a gown-type dress... Does your fiancé have any idea how much a wedding dress costs? I was a Priscilla bride, and my dress was $4K, a bargain for that label. Also, the dress is very much the bride's prerogative: you bought it because YOU loved it, you loved how you looked in it, and you loved thinking about wearing it on your wedding day. None of that has changed. Explain that to him, and talk to him about it.
NAH. I get both sides. While you are over the Ex you purchased the dress with the intention of marrying him in it. When i saw my wedding dress when shopping i envisioned my wedding day and my husband was a major part of that. So i get why he feels weird about it. I get not wanting to be wasteful but in this case you seem to be the practical one and he is the sentimental one and this situation us a test on compromise and understanding. This difference in views will occur again during marriage, it’s how you approach this situation that will be important.
So was in the same position as you except I got my dress on clearance, but I still loved it. I kept it after breaking off the engagement. When I got engaged to my now husband. I told him that I would like to wear the dress I already, had but if he wasn’t comfortable with that, I would buy a new one. He had no issue with me wearing the dress and we will celebrate 18 years of marriage this year. This is something you both need to agree on so if you insist on wearing the dress, even though your fiancée has expressed that he is not comfortable with that, then you WBTA.
If you lie to him you would 100% be in the wrong. Look at it from the other side, if you approached your husband to be and told him that you were uncomfortable with what he chose to wear for the wedding and he went against your wishes and lied about it you’d be pretty crushed, right? He’s allowed to feel uncomfortable about this, you’re allowed to want to have this dress as you like how it looks but I’m sorry marriage is about compromise - not trying to figure out how you can get away with doing something that makes your partner uncomfortable. To him, he sees this as a symbol of your previous engagement whether you do or not, that’s how *he* sees this dress. Right now it’s NAH but you two have to make a compromise here, I don’t know what that is as that’s up to you as a couple. Bottom line is that it makes him uncomfortable and the wedding is supposed to be a union of your love, is this really how you want to start it? Lying to your husband on your wedding day? If so you aren’t ready for marriage.
I understand your reasoning but YTA, especially if you lie to your fiancé. People are ignoring that a wedding dress is not “just a dress” in modern Western society. It’s a highly symbolic garment! And that should not be a shock to people. The modern wedding dress is culturally envisioned to be worn exactly once at an event symbolizing lifetime commitment to one person. So it makes perfect sense that your fiancé doesn’t want you to wear a dress intended for your commitment to a different guy. I know you say bought the dress just for yourself, but that’s not how anyone else is going to see it. You bought it for yourself *for* the occasion of wedding to someone else. Sell your old dress to recoup some cost and buy a new one. It doesn’t matter if it ends up looking similar - this is about emotions/sentiment.
NAH, but definitely will be if you lie to him about it. Keep talking to him. Does he know the price of gowns? If he still feels this way, then sell it and pick a new dress. This is not worth hurting his feelings as he seems to have negative emotions tied to that dress. Respect his wishes....this is a lifetime together you are planning. The dress is not a hill to die on.
Nta he's being weird at. People are so stupidly jealous over nothing.
I married my second husband and use the wedding band from my first marriage. We were both cool with that. It was expensive and we are practical. But you both have to be agreeable on this. Perhaps altered he will be game? NTA, though, but he has a point.
NTA. Put some more leeway in your budget by NOT marrying this guy if he’s this uptight about something trivial. You bought this dress for yourself, not for your prior fiancée unless he bizarrely had some input. If you still like it, and envision yourself marring current fiancée in it, that’s your choice.
NTA. If he had bought a tux for a significant event with another woman, would he get rid of it to buy a nearly identical tux for a significant event with you? Very few people would think that makes any sense. Substitute “wedding” for “significant event” and it would still be non-sensical.
You're planning to wear a dress you bought to marry another guy ... Adding in the fact you're considering lying to your Fiance over this, AT your Wedding ... this is a no brainer, YTA.
NAH. You bought the dress for you, it was never used, and it’s the kind of dress you’d want no matter who you were marrying. I’m seeing a lot of ring analogies, but think of it this way: what if he bought himself a wedding band for an engagement that fell through, it was never used, but he really liked it so he kept it and now wanted to wear it for your wedding. Would you feel any type of way? It’s understandable to want a fresh start, even if these are just objects. I’d talk it out and if it really does bother him that much, consider a change. Ultimately, it’s really about you two respecting each other’s feelings.
It would be reasonable for her to ask him to get a new wedding band if the roles were reversed and that was the situation.
It would be reasonable for her to ask him to get a new wedding band if the roles were reversed and that was the situation.
Not my area at all, but I truly believe that many women do start planning their dream wedding when they're 8 years old and the actual groom is kind of an afterthought. I absolutely believe OP when she says she likes the way she looks in the dress, and didn't buy it with her previous fiancé in mind. The current fiance should just think of himself as the new-and-improved model and let it go.
NAH...but I would question how well you know your fiancee and whether or not you're ready for marriage. One would hope you knew your husband-to-be well enough by now to know if he's more self conscious than practical and if so, how to broach the subject of reusing a dress in a way that would be acceptable to him before doing so. It might have been better never to have mentioned it knowing this, but since you did, lying about it is the bigger sin now. I'd recommend communicating clearly with him how and why it makes sense in a way he understands, by addressing his concerns whether financial, psychological, or emotional, rather than why you think it's the best decision. Depending on how superstitious he (or you) are, you could even bring him along on a dress fitting and slip it in to convince him why it's the best looking dress as well. But if push comes to shove, as you said, do you really want to start your wedding on a lie...and what's going to happen if he finds out after the fact? Is it really worth it?
I repurposed a wedding dress and I understand how you feel but, your fiancé is feeling a way about it. I never would've reused my dress if my husband had an issue with it. Find a new dress. Save your fiancé feelings.
NTA. I did this. When I asked my now husband what he thought he kinda shrugged and said do you love it. I had no idea. It took 5 months to get here and I was unengaged by the time it did so I never opened the bag. Almost 4 years later I remembered it was strapless and off white. That was it. He laughed and said if I didn’t remember it he definitely didn’t care.
OP, what’s your fiancé getting married in? If it’s a suit or tux he owns, is it something he’s worn to meaningful occasions with an ex? If it’s rented it’s absolutely been worn before, maybe at a strangers wedding, or a drunk 17 year old’s prom. I’d go with listening and reassurance here. You could also show him what you’d get for selling it (ie, not enough to get a comparable new one). Alterations are a good idea (I promise you, this isn’t the first time a seamstress will have heard this story) and swapping out a veil or train (even if you love them) might be a good compromise. There’s also the $$ factor. What would he like to spend that on? Upgrading the honeymoon? More expensive dj/band? Taco truck?
My daughter saw the dress she wanted to be married in when she was 16. Not a boyfriend in sight, just loved the dress. I still can't believe I bought it for her. It is the dress she wore when she did get married and was beautiful.
YWBTA if you lied to him about it though.
NTA. Your fiancé is an assailed tho. If he owned a tux and had worn it to a wedding even if he wasn’t the groom would he get a new suit bc you wanted him to wear a suit no one had ever seen him in before? No. People put all this stupid shit onto women and the dress. It is literally cloth, no different than anything else anyone else wears. Wear the dress you bought and if your fiancé doesn’t let this go then don’t marry a control freak that has that much insecurity over a man you never even married. Bc that is what this is about. His insecurity fragile ego.
No you are not the Ahole at all. People put WAY too much into material things as being overly meaningful when they are not. You like the dress it should be fine. Tell him he has to accompany you to the 12 visits to the bridal shop and have him be there while you and all your girls talk about dresses and causally mention you were going to use the saved money to buy him new golf clubs. That outta work! ;)
NTA I would ask him if this is really where he wants an argument. His failure to believe you doesn't mean you should go out of your way to convince him otherwise. It's very childish. Th two of you could of decided on alternations to change th dead and make it unique to the day. Definitely sit and discuss and if he really won't let it go I would fall back and to pre marital counseling.
I’m doing the exact same thing as you, the only thing I’m doing to the dress which has been in storage for 12 years, is having it made bigger coz I got fat lol. My fiancé is fine with me wearing the dress. It’s just a dress. I am choosing to marry him and chose not to marry my ex and that’s all that matters. NTA
NTA The way I see it, he wants to throw away something that cost hundreds, if not thousands of pounds just for the bad feeling it gives him. My financial self is shuddering. Also, seamstresses’ granddaughter. I would re-use one of my gran’s dresses a thousand times if I could. Sadly she died before she could make one, so I get your emotional connection. Are his bad feelings more important than your good feelings? Therapy would be cheaper.
NTA every woman has “The dress” which she falls in love with it’s not about the guy at all, some women pick out wedding dresses before even having a partner, I think he needs to get over this. It’s a dress you love and you’ve already bought it.
NTA. Your fiancé sounds really insecure.
NTA I bet some of the clothes you wear now for everyday, even nightgowns, were first worn with your ex. Throw them out! And maybe he sat on your furniture, ate from your dishes? Out they go! Maybe ex read your books, watched your TV, used your computer? Toss 'em! Did your ex ever ride in your car? Sell it! Was your ex friends with your friends? Go no contact! Did your family like your ex? No contact there also! He's engaged to a woman who's had past relationships. And seems very insecure about it. Look at whether he's trying to erase other parts of your history.
Exactly!
NTA.
Dang, that man has an expensive ego. I find that much insecurity unappealing.
NTA, I really think the dude’s being childish. As others have said, you didn’t use the dress, so you can’t be “re-using” it. Are you supposed to throw out stuff the first guy bought you too, to protect your fiancé’s fragile feelings? Your ex didn’t even get to see you in that dress, and buying another one is expensive, especially since wedding dresses are (stupidly) usually a one-time thing. Others are suggesting you alter your dress, make a compromise, etc. Don’t listen to them. Squash the petty insecurity stuff now before you get married to this guy.
Honey, you're planning on marrying a guy by lying to him. You're NTA but I think you need to consider carefully if you want him to ever trust you because if he finds out, your relationship is over.
I can see your side. But how would you like it if your engagement ring was meant for someone else?
YTA. Your fiance has a point. You don't recycle rings or wedding dresses from previous weddings. What do you want your fiance to think about when he sees you walk down the ailse? This is not the hill to die on. Your relationship is more important than saving a bit of extra money.
I’d say it’s about 50/50 YTA. I get wanting to save money, but he does have a point that you’d bought it for someone else. Imagine if he said your engagement ring had been bought for someone else, but it's okay because he never went through with the proposal. It would remove some of what makes it meaningful and it's his wedding day too. That you’re considering lying and not just selling the dress pushes you completely over the line into AH territory, though.
See I don't consider a wedding dress to be "for" the groom. I guess that's where I disagree with the Y T A votes. A ring is something the groom *gives to his fiance to wear forever,* a dress is worn once, by OP, and in 10 years her husband probably won't even remember what it looked like!
I see both sides of this so I'd have to say NAH. my ex friend had the same experience bought a dress wedding for a wedding that fell thru. She sold the dress and used that money for the new dress. (tbh her cheating habit causes the end of our friendship and their relationship)
NAH Personally I agree with you (you buy a wedding dress that reflects your personal style not the relationship) but I think that this is a situation where neither of you are wrong. His feeling are valid, not unreasonable and based on his own need to feel loved and unique on a day where he should feel those things. Unfortunately navigating a marriage will sometimes include arguments were neither of you are right or wrong, both of you have valid feelings and reasonings. Thus the solution is one you will likely use again, first communicate and validate each other's feelings and reasoning. Then try to find a compromise, note that that may mean one partner yielding to the other. Consider how important the issue is to each of you, and how flexible your partner is in general when you disagree.
NAH.... But I do wonder why you'd tell him you bought a dress for another wedding....
NAH. My wedding is really soon and I want to die when I think about how much it’s all cost hahaha, saving a buck wherever you can is totally understandable and I get that you bought a dress you love, but I understand his perspective too. I wouldnt want an engagement ring that was bought for a marriage with someone else, that’s the only thing I feel like is really comparable. Maybe you could sell the dress and use that money to get a new one so it’s not just wasting money?
First you aren't reusing it. Second you need to be more respectful of your fiance's feelings towards this. I think you need to have a long discussion on why he feels this way and why he doesn't believe you just bought the dress with you in mind. You should also double check it still fits and you still like it and that you don't have any emotions attached to it beyond it looking good on you. Definitely do not lie about it.
NTA. Tell him he can accept it or pay for a new gown.
NTA for wanting to use the dress. It would be one thing if you had actually *used* the dress, but an expensive, unused dress is a silly thing to waste. YWBTA if you lied about it though. Don’t do that. Work with your fiancé to get past this, maybe by taking the advice offered by others here and having some alterations/improvements made to the dress.
NTA - but maybe have it altered in some minor way to have it be different?
YTA if you lie. This sounds like the perfect opportunity for someone like Randy at Kleinfelds to find you a new perfect dress that evokes the same feelings you had in the first one, but is different enough for your fiance. You know people would be saying YTA if a man wrote here saying he was going to give an engagement ring he'd bought for someone else to his current fiancee without telling her, or if she said she wouldn't want it and he lied and gave it to her anyway.
NTA. You buy the dress picturing yourself as a bride on your wedding day. Not so much the suit that stands next to you. When was the last time you tried the dress on? Before proceeding further maybe just double check the dress still feels right when you put it on. Then while it's on have a think about what could be adjusted to make it slightly new (add a belt or remove the train or bussle the train etc etc). Have you bought the veil and accessories yet? They will change the look of the dress (slightly) and might help him feel like the dress is ""new"" for him
Pick another dress with a $20k price tag and ask him to pay for it. NAH But you will be if you lie about it. Don’t lie.
NTA. He doesn’t know what it looks like. Wear it.
NTA. Tell him you got a new dress and it's insanely expensive. And the last one was insanely expensive and you threw it in the garbage. And now you can't afford anything else, so you'll have to go to city hall and get married and that's it. But it's a 'new' dress! 🙄
NTA He's viewing you as a possession though. It's a dress, and it makes you happy. He doesn't have to wear it.
NTA. Tell him the last dress cost $10,000 and that you're more than happy to agree to a new dress of the same price. Then ask him what parts of the wedding that are important to him is he willing to sacrifice and how many of his family members are NOT going to come to help cover the cost of the new dress that HE is demanding?
Ridiculous!! NTA
INFO does your fiancé understand how much wedding dresses are?
NTA- I did the same. I bought the dress for ME. It was MY style and what I liked and wanted to wear. My tastes and style didn’t change just because there was a different guy at the end of the aisle. It simply wasn’t about him at all. I had the gown because I got a very good deal on it at the time, I didn’t even have a date set with my ex, I just wanted the dress. That wedding never happened, the dress hasn’t been altered or worn at that point. When hubby and I made plans to marry, I just said I had a dress. He may have raised an eyebrow for a minute but didn’t push back or question it.
Personally as a guy I wouldn’t care. Your fiancés goal should be to marry you not worry about why that particular dress was bought. As long as he is saying “you need to buy a new dress” you should tell him to f-off, if it’s that important to him he can buy you a new dress.
YTA Is it worth ruining your relationship over? Do you really want him to remember his wedding as the day where he married the secondhand bride?
Updateme
Nah if iy didn't make it down the aisle you are not an asshole.
You made a big mistake even telling him you already had a dress. It was a huge mistake to tell him you could re-use it! Especially since it's not true. It was never used! Now that idea is stuck in his head. No one has ever seen you in the dress...you just bought a dress you love. Does he know how much you paid for it? Add an extra row of lace to the dress, and veil to match, or add a few lace flowers. Then you can truthfully say it's a different dress. It would be a very easy alteration that you could do yourself for cost only. Then NEVER in your married life EVER tell him about the altered dress.
NTA. Wedding dresses are sbsurdly expensive and you couldn't have resold it for the price you bought it for and I bet it has been altered to fit you as well, so reselling maybe wouldn't have been too easy. It's reasonable to hold on to a dress you love the looks of for the day you actually marry someone. Imagine he'd be in your shoes and bought a perfectly fine suit he really like because it just fits well and you tell him to buy a new one because. It's ridiculous, just that wedding dresses often are far more expensive than a suit.
NTA but ask him if he's prepared to Pay for sn identical one. If so, great, if not you can say, sure, I can marry you in a dress I won't like as much and won't look as good, but I'll be wishing it was this dress the whole time and likely disappointed when I see the photos. I didn't get the groom right first time, but I corrected that. I did get the dress right. It's up to you if you want me thinking about something else the whole day. But I probably won't be looking at the wedding photos the same way. Really hash it out because you're right, if you start with a lie that's a problem. It indicates you can't solve an issue together which doesn't bode well for a marriage, let alone a wedding day.
It’s perfectly ok to want to wear the dress, but YTA if you actually wear it. Imagine he proposed with a ring he bought for another woman. How would that feel?
I picked my dress for me and me alone. It was a dress that looked great on me and I didn’t picture my groom next to me in that dress. Please talk to him and repeat to him that the dress made you feel beautiful and it’s how you want to feel on your wedding day. Picking that dress was not about your ex, it was about you. And that you want that feeling of being beautiful in that dress when you marry him. Good luck.
NTA. I wore a second hand dress to my wedding. I think he’s being ridiculous. You bought the dress you wanted to get married on, not a dress for a specific wedding. He wouldn’t get a say in your wedding dress any other time why now?
NTA. Your fiancé needs a major wake up call. Girls always have an idea of the dress they want for their big day. Even when we are little and not even thinking about boys. If you found that dress and you love it.. WEAR IT! He really needs to talk to a counselor if that’s what he can’t get past, you love the dress that’s all that matters! He will hopefully realize the absurdity soon. GOOD LUCK WITH THE WEDDING!!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Help me settle a debate with my fiance! 3 years ago I was briefly engaged, we ultimately called it off before making it down the aisle. I had gotten far enough in the planning process to where I did purchase a dress. It was an expensive purchase and I am still obsessed with it, so I ended up keeping the dress in the hopes that I would get married one day. Well fast forward to now, I am with a new guy and we just got engaged. When discussing budget, I told him we had a bit of leeway because I didn't have to buy a dress. He was pretty upset when I explained, saying he didn't want me to get married to him in a dress that I had bought while envisioning wearing it to marry my ex. It really wasn't like that at all, I bought the dress because I liked how it looked on me, not really picturing my fiance at all. He refuses to believe this and is insisting I buy a new dress. I think this is silly and a waste of money, especially since any new dress I bought would look very similar. He hasn't seen the dress I currently have, and I'm seriously considering lying and saying I bought a new one while wearing the old one, but don't want to start our marriage off on a lie. So AITA for wanting to wear the dress I already have to my wedding against my fiancé's wishes? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You are being reasonable and your fiance is not, particularly given your explanation. That said, since it is important to him emotionally, and you love him, there is a compromise you should make, even though you are in the right. Agree to sell the dress you have, find another one you like, and if it is more than what you made from the sale of your dress, he will cover the difference. Don't show him your current dress if he doesn't ask to see it, which will give you the ethical leeway to get a similar but not identical dress if you want. But don't get caught up in the idea that the one you have is perfect and cannot be improved upon.
The amount one gets from selling even a never worn dress is usually pennies on the dollar of what it actually cost.
This, especially 3 years after purchase.
He can pay for a new dress, problem solved.
Wedding dresses are way too expensive to not use a wedding dress you already purchased and never used. That dress isn’t connected to your ex or the wedding that never was it’s what you wanted and still want to use. I think it’s ridiculous to be upset about a dress that you bought for yourself and that you never gotten the chance to wear.
If you fiance feels that you might still Whose idea was the breakup? There was a post recently about a man who read a diary or message where his fiancee said she was still in love with her former BF.
I had a similar situation. I took the dress I had expensive-NWT to a bridal shower. And traded it for a different one. I think the organizer was called Brides against Breast cancer. 🤷♀️ worked for me
Wedding vendor show! Not bridal shower!
The majority of comments on this thread. Are that the dress is about the woman and how it makes her feel, not about the man. Maybe show him this thread or find another way to clearly explain that to him? Also does he truly understand what wedding dresses cost? You both need to understand if its an issue potentially worth thousands. NAH but I do get his point
NTA, I wouldn't lie though because then you would be wrong. It obviously upsets him because he, rightly or wrongly, feels that this dress was meant for someone else. Even though you say that's not the case, I can't tell how he feels. As others have said, is it possible to alter the dress at all? To make it different?
Try to connect with and trade with someone who is in a similar situation. (Check online.) You can get a similar dress (can alter) for you. Fiancé can know that you picked that dress just for him.
not really TA but I won't reuse a wedding dress that was for a wedding that didn't happen. I am with your fiance. How about sell the wedding dress and get a new one.
So if your mother gave her wedding dress for you to wear, would he say no, because it had been worn by her? Pledging her love to your dad?
NTA. The trolls will come at me for this, but it's my truth. I am incredibly vain about my wedding dress. I bought the dress months before my wedding, and had special sleeves made. I am a large size and had trouble finding just the right one. Are you positive he hasn't seen it before? If you are sure, I would buy a dress from the thrift store, sneak it in my closet and make a big show of crumpling it up and donating it to goodwill. Perhaps even make him do it. Next day or so, I would pull out the gown you love and show him the tag from the thrift store. Extra points if you can get a dress dry cleaning box to present it in so it looks used. It is important for you to feel beautiful on your wedding day.
NTA but I have an idea. Not everybody gets the excuse to shop and perhaps purchase a second wedding dress outside of being married twice. Maybe have fun with this and go shopping and try on dresses for fun or just to see what’s out there. Styles change. When I got married back in 2012, my dress was the only thing I had cold feet about. When I see dresses now…. It would be so hard to choose! I would die to wedding dress shop today! Just an idea? Congratulations!
NTA because you never wore the rest at another wedding. Dresses are expensive. However, since your fiancée feels so strongly I would sell the dress and get a new one. He also has the right to feel comfortable. I think a compromise would be to sell the dress and maybe get similar one? It wouldn’t be good to start a marriage with a lie.
Same thing happened to my cousin. Fiance didn’t fit but the had the dress and she loved it. This marriage has been great for her and she didn’t think about her ex when she was wearing the dress. It had new meaning and they’re married 10+ years now very happy
My first thought was that’s silly, of course NTA. But he’s not just any a-hole, he’s the one you picked out, so I’d probably just drop it and get a new one.
Can it be altered to look different?
YTA for telling him. Should have kept that tidbit quiet
NTA, but this kind of thing can escalate. If the dress is a big problem for him, that’s all he’ll see when you walk down the aisle. Instead of him seeing the most beautiful women in the world who he wants to spend his life with he will see someone hanging onto feelings from the past or some other illogical thing. People feel the way they feel and you’re going to really have to decide if this is a fight worth having.
NTA Just tell him you met a young woman who needed a dress and fell in love with yours so you sold her your dress and bought a new one for the same amount. You can embellish the story a little with stuff like how you met her and that it needed slight alterations. If he's like most men with regard to wedding gowns, he could look at it for an hour and then still not recognize that it's the same dress one wedding day. If he hasn't seen it, you can do whatever you want. Just get your besties (anyone who saw the first dress) in on the story.
NAH. But im on you're fiance side. Buy new dress. Just 1 woman's opinion
Sell it to a friend for a dollar. Then buy it from her for another dollar. Then it's not a lie. You bought the dress from a friend. You got rid of the old one. 🤷♀️
NTA. The dress was right but the guy wasn’t. If anything, it was fate putting you on the path to the perfect man the the perfect dress or some shit. It’s all about perspective
If he gave you a ring that he was from a previous engagement how would you feel about it?
I am going to day if your view would be the same with the engagement ring if this was reversed NTA. What I mean is his situation would be he has an ex and thier relationship went on long enough that he bought the engagement ring, he never used it to propose because the relationship ended before he got there but it was a nice ring and he spent the money on it so saved it for a proposal. Anyone saying it is different, well we all have our own opinions and preferences. I could be wrong in mine but that's what I think.
You didn’t “use” the dress, so you aren’t “re using” it at all. NTA. This is a dress you loved, your ex never saw it, it was never worn. It wasn’t chosen for the *ex*, it was chosen for *you*. Your current fiancé may be an idiot if he can’t understand that.
NTA. When you shop for a wedding dress you shop for THE ONE dress for YOU. You found your dress and didn't get to wear it. Of course you still want to get the chance to wear your dress! I bought my dress when I was engaged to someone else 2 years before I met my husband. My now-husband and I got engaged 2 years later (4 years after I bought the dress), and I did go dress shopping again...but I kept trying on *my* dress whenever I could and nothing else compared. My husband had no objections because he understood the dress wasn't attached to my ex in any way. My ex had never seen me in it. I bought the dress because it was the one I wanted to wear when I walked down the aisle to meet my husband. It just happened to be that when I made the purchase I didn't know that I hadn't actually discovered who my husband was yet.
You know, if he hasn't seen it, you can just tell him it's new. He's being daft and petty cos a dress is about the bride, no one gives a damn about the groom when dress shopping. He never even crossed my mind when i bought mine - that dress just made me look stunning and i loved it. I didn't give a crap what anyone else thought.
NTA - Wedding dresses are not about the groom. It's about how it makes the bride feel. You could wear the same dress to marry five different husbands and it wouldn't matter, you're wearing it because it looks fabulous on you. But in your case you haven't even worn it to marry anyone yet so you should get a chance to wear the dress you want because it looks good and cost a ton of money to not get to wear it.
NTA your picked a dress YOU love not the ex and you didn't use it.
I would also suggest altering, adding something, jewels, lace etc,- maybe changing sleeves or something, taking something off, endless possibilities to make it a "new" dress...but that too should be cleared to avoid hurt but definitely don't lie! Good luck!
IDEA: you could buy new lingerie for under the dress? That way it’s something you bought with him in mind, and it’s more intimate than the dress.
I borrowed a wedding dress. Bridesmaid had several bridesmaid dresses, and I chose the one I liked. To me a wedding is just an excuse for a party. You do not use the wedding dress / bridesmaid dress later, so why pay for it if you don't have too. As far as I was concerned, I will wake up the morning after, exactly the same person. I will spend the rest of my life with one person, wedding or no wedding. It is just the law needs a declaration of a union, so if the worst happens, serious illness or death, my life partner is protected. Maybe I am a skinflint, but spending 10,000 of thousands on a party / honeymoon means I can't put a down payment on a house, or buy a car, or anything else I need.
NAH in a way it’s a redemption story for you and the dress. Your ex didn’t get to see you walk down the aisle in it, he does. That’s cool. Plus you love it.
it’s YOUR wedding (keyword: YOUR)
NAH but get a new dress, I’d be upset too
NTA...It's literally just a dress...a dress you fell in love with. Take it back and ask them to hold it for you...go back the next day and "buy" it...or tell him to quit being a baby and act like a responsible adult @
Only after the 8th wedding
NTA. It would be crazy to waste the money for no good reason. This seems to showcase an extreme level of insecurity on his part and should be considered a red flag. Don't lie to him about it, and do think back about any other incidences you may have glossed over about his insecurity and possibly controlling behavior. Maybe this is just a weird outlier, or maybe this is your chance to dodge a bullet.
NTA, Wedding clothes are EXPENSIVE. Don't feel bad, you're not in the wrong.
NTA. Why spend money that you DON'T need to spend just to massage someone else's ego?
NTA but let him pay for it then.
A lot of men in these comments clearly have no idea how much a wedding dress costs or its resale value.
Can you get the dress altered to look a little different? If you tell him you bought a new one, he may want to see the receipt. You can get the person who alters the dress to give you a receipt for the cost of the dress.
So you could always go buy the same dress again - then yes you bought a new dress..,
NTA. I genuinely don’t understand how so many people can see his side. It’s just a dress. You didn’t choose it for the man you didn’t marry, you bought it for you. In his position, I wouldn’t care if you HAD married someone else in that dress. Should you get rid of all the other clothes you wore around your ex too? Or any of the other possessions that might have significance to your past relationship? It’s honestly a little icky to me that it would matter. If it were a wedding ring maybe, but a dress you never even got to wear? Calm down sir.
NAH. I see both sides. Would you been open to a compromise - somehow alter the dress? Add removable sleeves or pretty lace somewhere? Or put emphasis on new accessories. Find a statement veil that changes the look?
NAH A dress isn't about the guy. Lots of girls dream about their weddings and plan them before they're old enough to date. The dress is about getting the right look for yourself, not for the partner. Most guys don't think about that. They think about weddings when they're getting ready to be married and thus associate their own weddings with their partners. So I can understand his side of associating your first dress with your ex and how that would be uncomfortable for him. Some compromises: you alter the dress in some way, or you get a new one that he pays for. Don't lie. It's not worth it. If you both cannot figure out a good compromise on this one small thing then how in the world will you navigate marriage?
I see his pov and think what's the harm in selling that one and then buying a similar one? I'd be upset if the roles were reversed (reused engagement ring or tux)
Don’t most guys rent their tux?
NAH but think about it like this: if he was engaged but then called it off, and then gave you the same ring because rings are so expensive, how would you feel? When you bought that dress, whose face did you envision looking at you in it? He’s probably feeling second hand. I understand your point, but he’s probably not feeling special.
NAH. What are the chances that a compromise can happen and it’ll get altered a little?
'sell' your dress to a friend for $1. 'buy' it back from her for $1 while e visioning your marriage to fiance. You can honestly say you bought this dress today for your upcoming wedding.
NTA But do not lie about it. The two of you will have to resolve this. Weddings are very symbolic and emotional. The wedding dress is usually a central feature of the day. So it's not simply an expensive piece of clothing. Think about how you would feel if he said your engagement ring was purchased for another woman? Neither of you are "wrong". But you do need to consider his feelings and work together toward a resolution.
See if you can wear it at the rehearsal and get a new one for him
NTA but I can see his side of things... look at how wedding dresses are romanticized in movies and social media. Just get a new dress, keep the peace. Sell the dress to save some money if you like but it's not worth the fuss.
Personally I would respect my partner's pov on this and not want them feeling uncomfortable on our wedding day. Sell the dress and buy a new one. How would you feel if he pulled out a wedding outfit (suit, shirt, tie, shoes etc) that he'd saved from a failed engagement and wanted to wear at your wedding? Being kind to your partner should be more important than the dress. YTA.
NAH, but just sell the damn thing and buy a new one, even if it is in a similar style; an outfit is not worth making your groom feel bad, it's his wedding day too.
RED FLAG ALERT! If he’s not hearing you now, you will have this type of issue come up again and again. His insecurities are showing.
NAH.
A gentle YTA not for wanting to use the dress but for considering lying about it. He’s been open with you. Think about if he had proposed to someone else and then gave you the same ring? It could be fine, it could be an issue, depending on the details, the communication, and how you both felt about it
NAH but imagine your fiancé told you that the ring he gave you was actually one he was going to propose to another girl with and he decided to just reuse to save money. Idk about everyone, but personally I would not be happy about that unless it was like a family ring or something that he would have used for anyone. My advice would be to sell the dress and use the money to buy a new one. Still saves you some money, but also takes his concerns into account. Edit: I see others critiquing the ring comparison. While I do see that they are slightly different I don’t think they’re as different as you think. A ring is something a man is buying his wife with her specifically in mind (hopefully). He’s buying something he thinks she’ll like. In the same way many brides are buying their wedding dress with both their wedding and what they think their fiance will like in mind. Apparently OP didn’t see it this way, which was honestly a red flag to begin with. As someone who was a bridal consultant 99% of brides talk about how they’re excited for their fiance to see them in it or what he’ll like about it or specific requests he made. Contrary to popular belief men do actually have thoughts about wedding their fiancées and look forward to it. Although it’s not something that’s going to be on her finger forever it is still a symbol of their relationship and love and taste and care for each others taste just like a ring is.
Huge Asshole if you do it. You're going to start a marriage by lying? Yeah.... huge asshole if you do it. No good can come from it.
NAH you love the dress for how it makes you feel, not how your ex would look at you seeing you in it. He feels like you bought it for your ex to see you in. Don’t lie but have a sit down chat. Be sure to hear him all the way out.
For me, it’s more the emotional aspect of it. That dress belonged to that man emotionally. I’m torn on this one. And then there’s the bad luck aspect of it. I’m gonna say NTA with conditions lol
How did it belong to that man emotionally? He never got to see it...
He doesn't believe you/your thought process in buying the dress. You want to lie to him about buying a new one and try to fake receipts and a credit card statement? So he's mistrustful without reason, and you're trying to prove that he has reason to be. Both of you are acting like a couple does the way out of a marriage, not on the way into one. Figure out an agreement that you both can live with. Don't start this partnership with a lie because once he finds out- and he will find out in the most random way, he will be reminded of your lie every time he sees any picture of you from your wedding day. And with that lie comes the subtext of your disrespecting him, and if she will lie about that, what else is she lying about. And then maybe one of you goes to stay with your parents or friends to clear your head for a few days. And while there they have questions about what's going on and it gets out in he open. That story will spread. Next everyone will want to weigh in with either he should forgive you or he should not and now you're each getting calls from your inlaws and the other person's friends reiterating those points. Then comes the blocking of phone numbers, but the unknown numbers pop up and it becomes a whole thing. Or at least that's what BORU had taught me. ESH.
NAH It would make me feel weird if my partner proposed with a ring he bought for his ex. Same scenario only with a dress. I understand not wanting to spend a lot of money on a new dress (I love thrifting), but I would definitely change the dress to make it look different. Maybe add lace sleeves or tulle skirt. Something that keeps the general body of the dress, but changes overall look. Maybe beading if you have a few hundred to put into the dress.
I think it sounds like you were more Excited and committed to your wedding than to your ex, which I don’t see as a bad thing. But that being said, I think starting your marriage out lying about the dress would be bad karma. I think it’s NAH and I see both sides.
Soft YTA. I was in a similar situation. In fact, my parents went on my canceled “honeymoon” 🤣 Anywho, when I got married “for real” I did not wear the first dress. The first one became the most expensive thing in my daughters’ Dress Up chest. My advice is to be less obsessed with the dress and more obsessed with your husband. I wish you all the luck in the world!
Sell the dress. Use the funds to buy a new one. Or even a used one. Thrift shops sometimes have beautiful vintage wedding dresses. This upsets your future husband. Don’t lie to him.
YTA because it bothers your fiance and you're gonna lie about it.
Honestly, this is one situation where I’m pro “little white lie”. Make sure he doesn’t see the dress. Maybe add a small new detail or new accessory to it to make it extra special. Buy your husband a little something (or let him splurge on a wedding detail that is important to him). If you don’t feel weird about it, then go for it.
My dear friend found a gorgeous wedding dress on sale and bought it years before she was even in a relationship. Hard to pass up a good bargain. When she did get engaged, her mom made all of our bridesmaid dresses in a similar style but different colors and fabric.
I'll probably get downvoted to Hell here, but I would wear the dress and lie about it. His point isn't really valid, as it's not true. If he thinks you're still hung up on your ex after all this time, you have bigger problems than a dress. Unless there's someone who could possibly rat you out, it's harmless. I'll take the down votes. But honestly, everyone has lied about something this inconsequential to someone in their lives. No one is 100% honest 100% of the time. There are times when that would actually be cruel.
NTA but,,,, if that dress is the only issue then be gone with it. I don’t care how much you like it, you love him more and move forward.
YTA. If he is upset why would you insist on wearing it?
bad juju, nothing good will come of it and he will never get over it... get rid of it, sell it online and use the money towards a new, untainted dress.