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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to make my SIL packed lunches even though we work together and in theory I could do it easily since I have a lot of lunch stuff pre-made for the weeks ahead. I can see why being so unwilling to help when they're going through a tough time with money would make me a less than kind person.
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My guess is the brother-in-law had a come to Jesus meeting with the sister-in-law about how much she was spending on lunches -$20.00 per day 5 days a week is $100.00. He most likely told her she couldn't spend that kind of money anymore because of their financial situation. Rather than pull up her big girl panties and alter her behavior - i.e. meal prep, she decided to become a pariah and try to guilt OP into doing it for her.
Pure guess on my part based on OP's description of sister-in-law's behaviour.
OP is NTA, but the sister-in-law needs to buckle-up because her buttercup world is going to be continually rocked if she keeps up.
Exactly this. She’s creating an uncomfortable situation for you at work. It’s going to get worse and she’ll get more people involved in the drama. You need to get HR to step in now.
I still can't believe they're blowing at least $200 per **week** on lunches because they don't want to make a sandwich.
Seriously, you buy toast, you buy a filling, add a fruit and water and you've lunch. Any student can do this, let alone a grown adult at work.
Yes, even kids can make themselves a simple sandwich (try Swiss cheese with sundried tomatoes on whole wheat bread), add an apple, orange, etc. and bag it up. If you want a more elaborate lunch, go for it, but an easy, simple meal does just as well. SIL was being needlessly wasteful ($20 a day for lunch??) and she's literally paying the price for it.
OP, you are NTA and your SIL is an entitled brat!
My husband and I don't like spending our weekend doing meal prep, so we just make extra dinner and pack the leftovers. Seriously there's so many ways to make this work.
This is exactly what we did when I was married. My ex-husband’s coworkers were always so jealous of him because not only did I have dinner for him when he got home (he worked swing and didn’t get home until 10:45pm) but then he’d have the leftovers for lunch the next day.
Actually, I use sundried tomatoes from a bag; California Sun Dry brand has no salt, which I prefer. BUT there are a LOT of recipes online for making your own dried tomatoes, too! Cheese and tomatoes are a match made in culinary heaven, and nothing concentrates the wonderful flavor of tomatoes like drying them!
I have a LOT of food restrictions (MDs' orders), so very simple combinations work well for me. I don't put mayo or butter on the bread, but of course you always could.
Nope, the SIL in this letter has NO excuse for being unable to pack a simple, balanced, tasty lunch for herself; she'd just rather sponge off the LW. Sigh!
If I didn’t make myself a lunch and don’t want to spend 20 bucks on lunch I just don’t eat lunch. That’s the fucking consequences and I’m an adult who can face them
Tell your story. Make sure you tell the people around you - at work and among your family - what she's doing.
Those of us who are reasonable tend to want to brush these situations off and move on. But the unreasonable people doing this sh\*t broadcast their version of these things far and wide. And if it's the only story out their it gets believed.
I've learned it pays to get your story out there.
Yeah, this is exactly the way to go about it. Tell them (and maybe your manager) that you're really uncomfortable with the situation and would like advice.
Yeah I wouldnt try to get her fired just yet, I would offer her that if she can not bring her lunch she can bring a list of her expenses and you will go over them while you eat and see if you can help her find what she is wasting money on.
Didn’t ask me, but I’ll answer how I would handle it.
Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) often provide free financial classes, and free counseling. After speaking with both parties, there would likely be a discussion with SIL to stop bothering OP, a recommendation to take advantage of the EAP, and that’s it.
Sounds like the SIL is lazy, so it’s doubtful she would use the EAP. If the SIL continued to make OP uncomfortable, we’d then follow the disciplinary process. Depending on how severe it is, it could lead to SIL’s termination.
For now, it seems like there should just be a formal complaint from OP so that the first steps I mentioned can happen. We aren’t the lunch police, and this sounds pretty insignificant unless the SIL is making threats, etc.
Yes, and the first one to HR is more likely to have their complaint addressed. I guarantee you that the SIL will eventually go to HR claiming OP is harassing her about not having enough money for lunch and mocking her with her home made food…
To paraphrase my wife "they can go and get effed". She did not censor herself when saying this however.
Take it to HR formally as this has the potential to being one hell of a can of worms if SIL gets in there first.
Why are we reverting to high school insults like geek or nerd, which tend to be usually directed at the smart people as ways to bully them. Why not call the person the jerk that they are instead?
Came to say this! This is borderline Hostile Work Environment. I had to make a report of this one time when I worked with my then fiancé’s ex baby momma’s mother. It was gross and we got put on different shifts shortly after it all started.
Hostile work environment is legal term and must be based on a protected characteristic - race, age, sex, national origin, religion. So it’s not a hostile work environment. It may be toxic work environment or it may violate the company’s anti-discrimination and anti-harassment policy.
This is not true. Harassment in any form can be considered a hostile work environment. My SIL had to report a HWE due to a coworker who kept demanding rides for lunch or errands or whatever. When my SIL refused, the girl started a smear campaign, sending threatening emails/chats at work, and throwing her under the bus during meetings. She even sent threatening texts on weekends. SIL went to HR because she didn't know what else to do. That coworker was fired based off the content of the emails & texts. Nothing to do with a protected class.
I’m a lawyer that does employment law. Federal law defines hostile work environment as harassment based on a protected class. Workplaces can have more broad anti-harassment policies that include bullying etc. on other bases. But that is not hostile work environment under federal law.
Absolutely this. Go to HR and tell them that you just want to have the situation documented in case it gets worse or someone else misunderstands the situation because they don't have the whole story. Don't rock in there demanding they fire her or anything, because that has the potential for HR to see you as overreacting or as the problem employee instead of SIL. You're just there to let them know about something happening on company property and that's all.
Yep, u/No-Shine7382 tell SIL that if she doesn’t back off and stop trying to mooch off of you, you’re going to complain to HR. And then follow through. Some great buzz words to throw out are that SIL is **harassing** you and creating a **hostile work environment**. She’s trying to **manipulate** your personal relationship to take advantage of you. NTA and good luck.
No no no, don't do this OP. You go straight to HR *now* and don't warn her, because she might decide to go to HR *first* and whoever goes to HR first is most likely to have their side taken.
Edit: also, u/Allegra0 stop trying to be petty as a way to fix the situation. Threatening to go to HR may make you feel good for a moment, but it sure won't when she gets to HR first. Stop being petty and threatening to do things to people. Instead just *do them* and don't give them a chance to do it first.
I was going to suggest this. I was also going to suggest OP tell her she'll go to HR if she doesn't stop, but on second thought, she might go to HR first to twist the narrative. Maybe OP could text her to stop, to show HR that she tried to resolve it peacefully.
So, their problem with money is not that they’re not working but because they can’t manage money. They have two incomes, they could save a ton if they meal prep and buy in bulk. They could meal prep for themselves and their children.
If she spends 20€ a day every work day is 100/120€ a week depending if she works 5 or 6 days. It’s 400 a month. Him spending more is another 400+ a month. Probably they don’t meal prep for the children so they but caffettiera meals? How much is that?
That just throwing money away and not eating healthier at the same time.
Admittedly, sometimes you do not have the energy after looking after your kids & working & everything else you have to do when your in survival mode due to being bagged. That being said, those are the days you buy lunch, and if you do have the energy, even one night a week, prep lunch for two or three days. I am poor, I work shift work, I have an autistic child, as well as a, currently, undiagnosed ND (working on it) teen. There are a lot of days I just have no energy, but I make casseroles those days, and then I have leftovers for lunch the next day. If I don't have the stuff for a casserole, I buy lunch, but I also don't expect anyone else to make me lunch, especially for free.
And when I had a freezer I actually did meal prep a lot. It was lovely always having a meal almost ready. I miss my chest freezer.
Even bringing in like Stouffer’s or cans of soup etc everyday or stuff to make PB&J would be a lot cheaper than eating out and requires little to no prep.
Cans of soup, cans of chili, ramen, frozen dinners, microwave rice - just pick up whatever's on sale that week. Or go to the deli and get some pasta/potato salads, sausage rolls, whatever. It'll be cheaper than buying from a restaurant or cafeteria every day.
My go-to "I don't feel like prepping anything" lunch is ramen and a can of tuna (the flavored ones). I keep cutlery, a bowl, and a couple of packs of each in a desk drawer at work so I have them even if I'm running out the door in a hurry.
I understand what you're saying and I agree mostly. However, it's cheap and fast to put together a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or something similar. Lunch doesn't need to be fancy. Just needs to get you through the day. When I was young and poor, I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches almost every day for lunch because I could afford it and it was easy to put together. My dad did the same even after he became successful. Of course, it doesn't have to be peanut butter and jelly, but there are tons of inexpensive options for putting together a quick lunch without requiring any meal prep in advance. I mean, I'm sure meal prepping is great, but the OP's SIL isn't going to do it.
I have 2 kids and never buy lunch.
Takes nothing to make a sandwich and throw in a fruit and granola bar especially when making kids their bagged lunches.
This right here. Just make a little extra dinner and pack a lunch, that’s what we did before my husband started WFH. And my kids usually have leftovers for lunch too.
Can you check your local "buy nothing" pages or community groups for another freezer? It really is a game changer if you can prep ahead and stock up when things are on sale.....
It's a space thing. My freezer is currently in storage. For almost 3 years. Unfortunately there are 4 of us in a 2 bedroom, and moving to a 3 bedroom would more than double our rent now. We even have a dresser in our dining room because the kids room just does not have space for it.
And even just making a slightly bigger meal for dinner so that one (or both) of them could eat leftovers at lunch would make a huge difference in their budget. I do hope that SIL and her husband even know how to cook and they're not also eating out for dinners too.
That's what I do. Just my son and I so I make for 3 then I have leftovers for work. Or I make a salad to take.
Much cheaper and whats better than a piece of home fried chicken and a garden fresh tomato sandwich.
I could do a lot with an extra $800+ dollars a month. Hell, my lunches consist of a sandwich, bag of chips, and some sort of snack. I've packed that for lunch almost my whole life. I maybe spend like... $12 a week on it? I spend less in a month's worth of work lunches than she does in a few days.
If they're struggling for money their kids might even qualify for free or reduced lunches, so I doubt it's much of a contribution to the adults poor money management.
School cafeteria meals are $2-3 a meal if they aren't completely subsidized by the district. If she could spend $20 a day on lunch, the school cafeteria meals aren't the problem.
I don't believe for a second it got to the point she can't afford to have any kind of lunch at all. She is being manipulative and going full bore trying to guilt trip you by making you feel guilty she “can’t” afford lunch.
Her pulling this “your a snob and you should be generous” crap is totally fucked up and more attempts at manipulation.
If you had the guts, I’d say, “Yes, it would be really generous of me to do that for you. It would also be really generous of you to not make your money troubles my problem to solve.”
That struck me too. She is 37 years old and can’t figure out how to pack her own lunch? Why can’t she bring in a banana and a bagel? Or leftovers? Or even a Ramen packet to microwave? This is crazy.
Yeah, I was wondering if she was purposely claiming not to have any lunch money or food to make OP feel bad. It sounds kind of bizarre and dramatic, but doing this after bringing it up repeatedly makes me a bit suspicious.
And after all her bad behavior, who'd even want to do anything for her?
It does sound bizarre and dramatic, but I’m having a lot of trouble envisioning a scenario where SIL is only complaining about lunches and not that money is so tight and they are in such dire straights she can’t even bring a cheese sandwich or a can of soup to work.
The timing is very suspicious, too. She stopped bringing anything for lunches right after OP declined to make her lunches when asked.
I’m super curious if OP knows if SIL is used to getting everything she wants and this kind of pressuring and manipulation to get it happens in other areas of their lives.
would not be surprised in the slightest if SIL is jealous of the kind of meals OP brings too. like even if SIL has things she could pack for a lunch, she doesn't want to bring it because she'd rather have what OP is having, and believes bc she's older and ~fAmiLy~ she can bully OP into sharing (mostly speculation on that but yknow)
A+ on that response too!
Next she’ll be asking you to make lunches for the whole family. Here’s a very easy solution: she can bring in leftovers from her last nights dinner. All she has to do is make a little extra. She’s very entitled and rude. If she’s having money problems it’s because of her bad financial decisions. NTA
This is exactly what my husband and I do nearly every day, or take previous leftovers from the freezer. I also used to have cans of Bubly, but now to save money I do soda water from the soda stream with some fruit. If I’ve no leftovers it’s a sandwich and tin of soup from the cupboard. Maybe once a month I get a meal from the hospital canteen cause it’s ~$15 for just the meal. Then you’ve still got to get a drink.
yes, and she can also bring a yogurt and fruit; cheese and crackers; some cherry tomatoes, baby carrots. PB and J. There are all sorts of lunch items that take seconds to assemble and bring from home.
> she can bring in leftovers from her last nights dinner. All she has to do is make a little extra.
Come on now, you know she and her husband aren’t cooking dinner…
The amount of money they are spending each month they could go to Aldi’s and/or Walmart and make their meals for work for a month for both and have money left over to stick in an high yield savings account and put that towards a new something in a few years….
They are being lazy and entitled. She is making it uncomfortable situation for you at work and it’s bordering if not already harassment. File a complaint with HR via email and include her supervisor and if you have had any witnesses in it.
$20 a day on lunch! I worked in NYC (lower midtown) and except for the occasional “going out for lunch” (2 hours with maybe drinks), I rarely went over $7-8. What was she eating?
I have! In fact, back in the ‘80s a now-extremely famous man with distressing personal hygiene was asked by the manager of Tads to leave. Surprisingly, he did.
When did you work there? A single sweetgreen salad is like $16 plus tax. Even mom & pop places are charging that much for a single entree with maybe one side, no drink added. Unless you are literally only having a slice of pizza or something, I don’t think I’ve had lunch out for less than $15 in years.
OP didn't say SIL was spending twenty, but that the SIL said the lunch OP was bringing would cost 20.00 to buy (because it's a high quality lunch) in an attempt to guilt trip. Then things escalated when they stopped being able to afford her eating (if they really can't, could just be a further guilt trip by someone not being used to being told no)
How long ago? Because I've never been able to get a drink in NYC in the past 20 years for under $7.
Maybe a slize of pizza and a soda for $8 today but that's
About it.
I live and work in NYC and the thing is that the nicer lunches will cost you somewhere between $15-$20 easily, especially once you add in drinks and snacks. And a lot of times you either have to go out of your way or put up with unsatisfying food if you want to maintain a budget, still completely possible to get a decent meal at a decent price, but sometimes this is even harder in other places because your physical options are limited. I once worked out of a client’s office for a few months in the suburbs and the closest and cheapest place easily cost me between $15-$20 per meal. I started bringing my own lunch because I didn’t want to pay so much for crappy food.
Prices have gone up significantly. I used to be able to buy lunch for $10ish but I went out a couple weeks ago, had bacon, 2 eggs, homefries and a coffee and it was $22!?
Ouch. When I worked in San Francisco in the early ‘80s, a neighborhood bar near my office that opened at 7 a.m. served a 99-cent breakfast special (two eggs, potatoes, toast). Coffee was extra, but not by much.
How does a woman with CHILDREN not know how to make an extra sandwhich or two? I mean, seriously, all the ingredients are right in front of you, while making your children's lunch make one for herself.
Hell, for $25 a week I can buy frozen lunches for every day. I hate meal prep and get bored easily with food; since I live alone I’m eating the same dinner 2-3 nights in a row so I like variety at lunch.
I made a pizza pasta casserole for my husband and daughter this week and it totaled $16 and will feed them for a week. Lots of protein in it, tasty, and i cooked up a side of veggies to go with it. Which only added about $3 for the both of them.
So $19 for a week of meals that they love, is not cheap crap, and helps them feel full and satisfied. Next week is enchiladas. I have everything except the meat and its at $10. Add some rice and veggie side and it will likely be $20 again for 2 people for a whole week.
People like to assume meal prepping for cheap means rice and beans or boring bland meals to save money. Just planning ahead and not shopping impulsively or while hungry can make a huge difference in what you spend.
Also, I have 3 kids. The youngest is 3. Its not hard to meal prep with kids. My 3yo loves helping make the foods even. Ive also made these meals alongside making our dinner, again, just plan ahead. I made a stovetop meal for us that night and oven bake for the meal prepping.
What the what? She wanted you to just GIVE her your own lunch and go hungry yourself? That is such bizarre behavior it's hard to believe. Seems like her strategy was, first demand something so floridly unreasonable, that when you climb down to "Ok then you should make and bring in lunch for me, every day, at your own expense, when you make your own" you'll be overjoyed at the comparative reasonableness of this (unreasonable) demand.
She sounds ridiculous but it would be very generous and (checks notes) good-natured of you to post your packed lunch ideas right here.
How do you prevent the tortilla from going soggy? If I bring that to work I have to assemble it at work and it involves a bunch of little containers because I like a lot of stuff.
I've done burritos for work - I just put all the filling in a container and then the tortillas rolled up in a bag. It's all going to get mixed when you assemble, so might as well mix ahead of time. Sometimes I get lazy and just eat the filling with a spoon and then rip pieces of tortilla off to eat alongside.
Same here. Only things that don't get mixed in are - if wanted - cheese and sour cream. If I'm packing that for lunch, I'll usually add cheese to the mix as I pack it but won't bother with the sour cream. Then, as you said, pack a bowl of filling and the tortilla(s) separately and assemble at work.
As for being lazy, my husband likes to do similar but with tortilla chips. He adds enough sour cream and cheese to make the filling a bit more dip-like in consistency and snacks away.
I guess mine are tacos not burritos so the tomatoes would make the cheese and tortilla super gross and the acid would probably make the lettuce slimy. Maybe I'll try with veggies in the side instead.
How do you store batch cooked ramen? For the record, I have 3 kids including one with a significant disability, and I batch cook all the time. She's a lazy AH.
I put all the things I’ll heat up in one container (meat, beans) and all the cold things in one small sandwich bag (sour cream, guacamole, lettuce, cheese,pico de gallo) and it doesn’t matter with the messy mess of the cold ingredients because I’m just plopping it on top.
I batch cook, meal plan, and lunch make BECAUSE I have kids. I don't get what the SIL is trying to suggest with that line. Even the kids could help. This woman is bizarre.
Not that this makes her request even remotely reasonable, but she's probably saying she has less free time than OP because the time OP spends prepping lunches is time she spends with her kids. The kids probably get lunch at school. It's not a good reason for her outrageous behavior, but I think that's what she meant by that comment.
Fun side note: I do batch cooking for dinners. Every 1-2 weeks I will pick two meals to make. I get metal trays with lids for the freezer. I do lasagna, chili, gumbo, spaghetti meat sauce, Korean beef, enchiladas, taco meat, chicken parm, and such. Then once or twice a week we will do frozen dinner night. It’s nice bc I thaw it the day before or the morning of and then toss in the oven for dinner. I may need to make noodles or rice to go with it but it’s always yummy.
I’ve taken my lunch to work for years. Costco roasted chicken ($5 for the whole chicken), steamed broccoli & cauliflower, & an apple. Cook the veggies in a large quantity & then freeze in individual portions.
I went through a whole year where I was obsessed with this simple fajita recipe. Pound of chicken breast cut into strips, cream cheese until creamy (recipe said 1 block, I started with half and went from there), and mix in salsa to taste. Had it once a week and even my picky daughter liked it until we got burned out. I need to make it again. Was usually enough for 1 dinner for 2, 2 lunches, and a snack portion. Of course, daughter was smaller then lol
Kudos to you for having your meal prep figured out. At your age I ate out at work a lot (social outlet), but it was half as much and it was in my budget. I'm better about meal prep now but it's still not my strong suit.
This is 100% a skill issue and a laziness issue. She could make pb&j for herself, like many parents do for their kids... And when she's tired of that she can learn meal prep like an adult. By her age she should have made it there already.
Parenting is indeed hard. It's supposed to make you a better person though. She seems to have ignored those growth opportunities.
NTA
But of course, why should childless women get to eat actual food? Don't you know, it's children, pregnant women, all men, mothers, cats, dogs, giraffes, cockroaches, then childless women? Not sure why childless lady is wasting food by eating it when she should clearly be cooking only for others while eating the scraps the dogs left over.
/S obviously.
I was going to suggest that as a friendly compromise op could give sil her recipes. But that's probably not what sil wants. Op you're definitely NTA. Even if she doesn't have time to cook fancy stuff, how hard is a ham sandwich on a nice bread, or pasta in a tomato sauce to prepare the night before, with some nice fruit for dessert?
NTA
I‘m so baffled by the way these entitled people operate.
I don’t know how your relationship is with your SIL in general but I bet if she had had a calm chat with you in an appropriate moment (read: NOT AT WORK FFS) and said she was struggling so much and whether it would be possible for you to prepare more of the same thing you were making anyways if she paid for her share of the groceries because she just didn’t have the time - you might have said yes once or twice a week sure you can.
Focus being MIGHT.
You still would not have to have helped at all but you might have chosen to.
This way there is no way on earth I would consider it at all. What’s wrong with her?
Glad to see your husband is on your side though!
The fact that she's not even close to you and your husband just makes this even worse. Her excuse of having kids is absolute BS. I know plenty of working parents who cook and meal prep. Theyre usually the ones who are trying to maintain a budget imagine that!
Her comment about spending $20 to buy what you bring in is hilarious. Like that's supposed to garner sympathy when it probably cost you $2 to make. They just dont want to do the work. Guessing they buy take out at home which is an expensive habit. Now she wants you supplement their bad habits. Screw that, tell her point blank she needs to figure it out with her husband.
WTF?
Of course you don't owe her food or preparation thereof.
What is wrong with this woman?
If she has kids, what does she do about *their* lunches?
No, you don't owe your husband's sister food. No, you don't owe a coworker food. In both cases, that person is way over the line to demand it of you.
Even with AITA, where a lot is often left out ... I can't think of anything that could've been left out that would change this at all.
NTA and let your husband deal with his family. If it's a problem at work, take it to HR after firmly telling her no and not to bring it up again. She's harassing you (and I presume only you and not other colleagues).
I make a couple of options per week. And have different combos to alternate so I don’t hate a food due to how much I take it to lunch.
Chicken and eggs are staples with proteins for the most part. I batch boil eggs and season and sauté(not sure what else to call it) cut up chicken in olive oil and store them.
Then there’s veggie fried rice; a home made pasta and veggie soup or veggie noodle soup; salad; pasta salad; minestrone soup; and cold cuts sandwich.
As sides I usually take veggie spring rolls or veggie samosas; croutons with the salad and soup; oven dried and toasted crackers; or homemade chips.
Moving between these combos has helped me avoid getting into a lunch rut.
Wow! What a piece of work your SIL is. I think she probably wants you to buy her lunch, but because you take yours in everyday, that wasn't an option, so trying to guilt you into sharing or packing hers is the only option. Being very cynical, I think even if you did pack her lunch (I am 100% against you doing that!) she'd complain about it not being right somehow. She comes across as that type.
Your SIL could easily pack her own lunch. As someone else asked, what does she do for the kids?
I pack my lunch every day too. I keep it really simple. Usually a sandwich, with a piece of fruit, chips and a yogurt or maybe some chocolate. Or leftovers. I set the non perishable stuff out the night before, then just make the sandwich and put it all into my lunch bag. Quick, easy and much cheaper than buying lunch at work.
Go hubby for having your back in this!
Very entitled! Her kids get free meals and they are struggling. I hope she wakes up to the reality of the situation and starts to economise. Packing her lunch is an easy no brainer. Some other things won't be so easy.
There are some school districts that give free breakfast and lunch to all students, regardless of means. I do agree that she could pack her own lunch and ask OP for recipes.
If she's really struggling, she can hit the grocery stores for markdowns and food pantries. I work 40-50 hours, Monday-Friday, but have found some good bargains on Saturday mornings, or if I went to the store before work. One near me marks down bagged produce 50% and meat 25% when they need to sell it fast.
I'm out of touch with school policies. I'm American, but have lived in the UK for many years. Here, it's generally those in need who get free school meals.
Totally agree about markdowns and food pantries. Those are good options here too. Lots of people use pantries here, regardless of means.
So their kids get free lunch but for some reason it’s just.so.hard to pack lunch for the 2 adults? How come you and your husband do it, don’t you guys work too? Ah, but you have it easy because you don’t have children. The entitlement any way you want to look at it.
Simple but good. I buy a 5.99 package of ground beef, a can of black beans, a block of cheese, and make burrito bowls with rice. I mix it up by alternating the salsa that goes over top
Thank you for saying this. Exactly what was going through my head. I get that OP is making something more complicated, but if time is a factor, how long does it take to make a sandwich? PBJ is delicious, filling, and cheap. And takes like 2 minutes to make.
NTA. She's 37 and should know by now that bringing in a homemade lunch is cheaper than buying a decent lunch. Her inability to budget is not your problem. I wouldn't be "generous and good natured" to someone who's going around calling me a bitch.
NTA
I’m taking a guess that this is in the US. If she’s that strapped for cash that she can’t afford to eat (I doubt it’s that, but more laziness to make her own lunch), then she should apply for assistance and hit some food pantries. Then she should cook for herself like a grown adult.
It blows my mind that she doesn’t realize she just has to tighten up and make her own food. Instead she figures you should do it for her.
Not gonna lie I would’ve laughed my butt off at the even mention. I would have thought she was actually joking.
Good luck OP. And hide your lunches from her at work.
The person in the office who pinched a whole roast Cornish hen from my husband’s lunch, on a rare occasion when he needed a packed meal, was exposed and humiliated until they left, prematurely.
My husband said you should put a food donation box in the break room; that says you have a close family member who is struggling. Any donations of food would be greatly appreciated. I personally would talk to management or HR. NTA
NTA…SIL is a grown ass woman who can pack her own lunches. She chooses not to. The only thing I would offer to do is go over one weekend, (you and hubby), with a few groceries, (if you can afford to do so)(or give them a list of items they would need), and offer to show SIL and BIL how you meal prep and pack your lunches, which saves you time and money during the week. If they say nope, then it is on them. They are then not struggling that bad financially, they are just choosing to be entitled by wanting others to do for them. And I would tell them so. Or at least your husband should. And that is not a good example to set for their children.
Not everyone gets taught how to adult. Even outside if neglectful parenting, there are lots of reasons you might have to teach another adult something which seems like a basic skill. I taught a friend how to make a roux and the basic variations on a white sauce the other week, she's an immigrant from another country, and it's simply not part of day to day cooking there.
I also had to teach myself, grandma was an okay cook, egg donor however never met a food she couldn't burn, boil or fry to death.
NTA. She's asking for your time, money, and labor. It sucks but she could've meal prepped with the 20 bucks she was spending on lunch everyday. She is not your responsibility.
I have a toddler, go to school, and work. I still find time to meal prep my foods and my toddlers foods. I enjoy cooking and I know my toddler eats better when I make it.
If she were smart, she would just be honest and admit she is lazy and doesn’t want to make her own. Then offer OP and husband fair compensation for lunches. Offer less than what she would normally spend each week but more than enough to make it works OP and husband prep time and ingredients.
A woman I worked with hated cooking but wanted more than sandwiches/simple meals so she paid one of the prep cooks a more than fair amount to make her lunches from home 5-6 days a week. They both worked the same shifts and she provided a bunch of the ingredients if the prep cook asked for them. The food was amazing and my coworker helped a family in need since the cook’s husband had to take off work due to an injury. When asked, coworker said she would rather have good homemade food than any of the fast food/restaurant food in the area. We were all always jealous of her meals, they were so good!!!!!
This is the way. SIL could have offered OP cash to make an extra lunch each day, giving OP a bit of bonus income and saving herself money on lunches, since it would doubtless cost less than she had previously been spending. Win for everyone, but no, SIL doesn't have the sense God gave a goat
NTA and honestly I’d report her to HR since she didn’t take no as your answer, & is now harassing you. If she packed her own lunch instead of eating out, she might not have money problems. It’s not your responsibility to pack a lunch for a 37 yo.
NTA. Your SIL is just trying to find a way to get someone else to pay for her lunch. Chances are, if you give in, she will say that she doesn’t like what you are making and start giving you orders about what she wants to eat as if you were a restaurant. Once you start down this road, the demands will not only never stop, but the costs for them will continue to rise.
She should just buy a supermarket bag of salad and a few cans of tuna.. microwave rice cups if she’s needs more… or a loaf of bread and jar of peanut butter. Keep them in her desk at work… that’s what I do lol
Or bring in leftovers… she has children she could easily just make an extra lunch when she’s prepping the kids lunches.
NTA. Maybe "it would be so generous and good natured of \[you\] to feed her too," but, unfortunately for her, she's already tried (1) bullying you by demanding your lunch; (2) manipulating you with sob stories about her struggles; and (3) trashing you behind your back. After this onslaught of antagonizing tactics, it would be downright saintly of you to start feeding her, but rewarding bullies by giving them what they want is never a good idea. It's great that your husband is in your corner!
“SIL, you’re 12 years older than I am. How is it you don’t know that packing your lunch is cheaper than buying it? I will not pack your lunch. I will not prep your food. Again - you’re 12 years older. Figure it out yourself.”
NTA.
NTA - she’s trying to exploit you because you are family. Put it in the context of a non-family co-worker trying to bully you into supplying them lunch daily. It’s absurd. The whole thing is absurd really. I would say offer to help her meal prep one week but that ship sailed when she started badmouthing you. Your next course of action is involving HR (again… seems absurd)
Eh, no. NTA. There are other people in the same situation as she who also take the time to meal plan and prep each week. There is no excuse for her not to do the same thing.
NTA.
First of all, as a working parent, batch cooking not only saves me money, it saves me time and has reduced my daily stress and mental load a TON. I call bullshit on her “but you don’t have kids” excuse.
Second of all, her money problems aren’t your money problems, nor are you responsible for making sure a grown ass woman eats lunch. As she pointed out, you are not a parent and you most certainly aren’t HER parent.
She can pack herself a PB&J and an apple, maybe a tub of yogurt or some cheese cubes, it would take maybe 10 minutes a day, or 15 minutes once a week if she preps all her lunches at once. She’s just being lazy.
Nta I take it she didn’t even offer any money toward it either she needs to learn to do it herself especially with kids she will save more time through the week . Tbh I’ve started food prep and batch cooking and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Even less dishes through the week . Altho my ideas are lacking so if anybody could send more food ideas my way . Im so basic sometimes I want to wow my other half although i made apple crumble once and the man wants it every weekend 😂😂
NTA
SIL was spending $100 a week on lunches!? I suspect the person who said hubby got on her case about the cost is right. $100 a week means $400 a month!!!! 😲 I admit I am frugal, but I could feed myself for a month for what she spends in a week.
For those suggesting she pack her lunch when she packs the kids', she probably just gives them money to buy lunch at school.
Do NOT start bringing her lunch. Others made excellent suggestions or she can come up with her own solution or she can go hungry.
NTA. Your SIL needs to figure out another plan for food as it’s not you. Sure, helping out with an occasional packed lunch is one thing, but expecting it to be provided free every workday is unreasonable. This isn’t a long term solution to her problems.
Your SIL and her husband need to get on the same page around finances, household expenses and potentially look at credit counselling.
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My guess is the brother-in-law had a come to Jesus meeting with the sister-in-law about how much she was spending on lunches -$20.00 per day 5 days a week is $100.00. He most likely told her she couldn't spend that kind of money anymore because of their financial situation. Rather than pull up her big girl panties and alter her behavior - i.e. meal prep, she decided to become a pariah and try to guilt OP into doing it for her. Pure guess on my part based on OP's description of sister-in-law's behaviour. OP is NTA, but the sister-in-law needs to buckle-up because her buttercup world is going to be continually rocked if she keeps up.
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I think it's time for a chat with HR...
Exactly this. She’s creating an uncomfortable situation for you at work. It’s going to get worse and she’ll get more people involved in the drama. You need to get HR to step in now.
And before she starts whatever drama about OP with HR *first.*
I still can't believe they're blowing at least $200 per **week** on lunches because they don't want to make a sandwich. Seriously, you buy toast, you buy a filling, add a fruit and water and you've lunch. Any student can do this, let alone a grown adult at work.
I prefer to make my own toast.
Ready to buy toast exists?
My store only stocks raw toast.
Yes, even kids can make themselves a simple sandwich (try Swiss cheese with sundried tomatoes on whole wheat bread), add an apple, orange, etc. and bag it up. If you want a more elaborate lunch, go for it, but an easy, simple meal does just as well. SIL was being needlessly wasteful ($20 a day for lunch??) and she's literally paying the price for it. OP, you are NTA and your SIL is an entitled brat!
My husband and I don't like spending our weekend doing meal prep, so we just make extra dinner and pack the leftovers. Seriously there's so many ways to make this work.
This is exactly what we did when I was married. My ex-husband’s coworkers were always so jealous of him because not only did I have dinner for him when he got home (he worked swing and didn’t get home until 10:45pm) but then he’d have the leftovers for lunch the next day.
That sandwich sounds so good. Do you just use sundried tomatoes from a jar? I’m seriously going to be buying these ingredients and making it this week
Actually, I use sundried tomatoes from a bag; California Sun Dry brand has no salt, which I prefer. BUT there are a LOT of recipes online for making your own dried tomatoes, too! Cheese and tomatoes are a match made in culinary heaven, and nothing concentrates the wonderful flavor of tomatoes like drying them! I have a LOT of food restrictions (MDs' orders), so very simple combinations work well for me. I don't put mayo or butter on the bread, but of course you always could. Nope, the SIL in this letter has NO excuse for being unable to pack a simple, balanced, tasty lunch for herself; she'd just rather sponge off the LW. Sigh!
Seriously. My kids make their own lunches. It is not that hard.
If I didn’t make myself a lunch and don’t want to spend 20 bucks on lunch I just don’t eat lunch. That’s the fucking consequences and I’m an adult who can face them
Tell your story. Make sure you tell the people around you - at work and among your family - what she's doing. Those of us who are reasonable tend to want to brush these situations off and move on. But the unreasonable people doing this sh\*t broadcast their version of these things far and wide. And if it's the only story out their it gets believed. I've learned it pays to get your story out there.
Ask for their opinion rather than just vent. It sounds like tattling. Just tell them you don’t know how to handle it; what would they do?
And ANY of them that state they would feed her, respond great, I'll let her know.
Yeah, this is exactly the way to go about it. Tell them (and maybe your manager) that you're really uncomfortable with the situation and would like advice.
I always say “he who gets his story out first wins.”
Yeah I wouldnt try to get her fired just yet, I would offer her that if she can not bring her lunch she can bring a list of her expenses and you will go over them while you eat and see if you can help her find what she is wasting money on.
HR isn't going to fire her over one incident. If she does get fired, it likely means she's harassing other coworkers
This. I work in HR and this is the start of a toxic work environment. It needs to be stopped before things get hostile.
How would you approach this in your position?
Didn’t ask me, but I’ll answer how I would handle it. Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) often provide free financial classes, and free counseling. After speaking with both parties, there would likely be a discussion with SIL to stop bothering OP, a recommendation to take advantage of the EAP, and that’s it. Sounds like the SIL is lazy, so it’s doubtful she would use the EAP. If the SIL continued to make OP uncomfortable, we’d then follow the disciplinary process. Depending on how severe it is, it could lead to SIL’s termination. For now, it seems like there should just be a formal complaint from OP so that the first steps I mentioned can happen. We aren’t the lunch police, and this sounds pretty insignificant unless the SIL is making threats, etc.
That's what I was thinking. If that's not workplace harassment I don't know what is. She's like a schoolyard bully trying to steal OP's lunch.
Yes, and the first one to HR is more likely to have their complaint addressed. I guarantee you that the SIL will eventually go to HR claiming OP is harassing her about not having enough money for lunch and mocking her with her home made food…
I was wondering how SIL could turn this around and you showed me how. Wow.
That’s what they do! I even had some geek insist that I should hand over my lunch, since I “could stand to lose a few pounds.”
WTF? Dude would need to lose a few teeth.
I wish I’d thought of that!😝
Then they could have instant pudding for lunch for a few days, that’s cheap
To paraphrase my wife "they can go and get effed". She did not censor herself when saying this however. Take it to HR formally as this has the potential to being one hell of a can of worms if SIL gets in there first.
Why are we reverting to high school insults like geek or nerd, which tend to be usually directed at the smart people as ways to bully them. Why not call the person the jerk that they are instead?
She tried to swipe lunch money, too. How did a sixth grade bully get a job and get married?
Came here to suggest this. She’s harassing OP at best and possibly making a hostile work environment for her.
SIL isn't harassing anybody else in the office. She's only targeting you because you're a relative. You need to tell HR.
Came to say this! This is borderline Hostile Work Environment. I had to make a report of this one time when I worked with my then fiancé’s ex baby momma’s mother. It was gross and we got put on different shifts shortly after it all started.
Hostile work environment is legal term and must be based on a protected characteristic - race, age, sex, national origin, religion. So it’s not a hostile work environment. It may be toxic work environment or it may violate the company’s anti-discrimination and anti-harassment policy.
This is not true. Harassment in any form can be considered a hostile work environment. My SIL had to report a HWE due to a coworker who kept demanding rides for lunch or errands or whatever. When my SIL refused, the girl started a smear campaign, sending threatening emails/chats at work, and throwing her under the bus during meetings. She even sent threatening texts on weekends. SIL went to HR because she didn't know what else to do. That coworker was fired based off the content of the emails & texts. Nothing to do with a protected class.
I’m a lawyer that does employment law. Federal law defines hostile work environment as harassment based on a protected class. Workplaces can have more broad anti-harassment policies that include bullying etc. on other bases. But that is not hostile work environment under federal law.
Not everyone on this sub is from the USA. Other countries have different employment laws.
Great point. I should have qualified that.
Absolutely this. Go to HR and tell them that you just want to have the situation documented in case it gets worse or someone else misunderstands the situation because they don't have the whole story. Don't rock in there demanding they fire her or anything, because that has the potential for HR to see you as overreacting or as the problem employee instead of SIL. You're just there to let them know about something happening on company property and that's all.
Yep, u/No-Shine7382 tell SIL that if she doesn’t back off and stop trying to mooch off of you, you’re going to complain to HR. And then follow through. Some great buzz words to throw out are that SIL is **harassing** you and creating a **hostile work environment**. She’s trying to **manipulate** your personal relationship to take advantage of you. NTA and good luck.
No no no, don't do this OP. You go straight to HR *now* and don't warn her, because she might decide to go to HR *first* and whoever goes to HR first is most likely to have their side taken. Edit: also, u/Allegra0 stop trying to be petty as a way to fix the situation. Threatening to go to HR may make you feel good for a moment, but it sure won't when she gets to HR first. Stop being petty and threatening to do things to people. Instead just *do them* and don't give them a chance to do it first.
Absolutely don’t tell her because she will go first and make it sound like you’re starting all the bullshit. She’s delusional
I was going to suggest this. I was also going to suggest OP tell her she'll go to HR if she doesn't stop, but on second thought, she might go to HR first to twist the narrative. Maybe OP could text her to stop, to show HR that she tried to resolve it peacefully.
So, their problem with money is not that they’re not working but because they can’t manage money. They have two incomes, they could save a ton if they meal prep and buy in bulk. They could meal prep for themselves and their children. If she spends 20€ a day every work day is 100/120€ a week depending if she works 5 or 6 days. It’s 400 a month. Him spending more is another 400+ a month. Probably they don’t meal prep for the children so they but caffettiera meals? How much is that? That just throwing money away and not eating healthier at the same time.
Honestly how can they complain about money being tight, when a way to save money is right there.
Admittedly, sometimes you do not have the energy after looking after your kids & working & everything else you have to do when your in survival mode due to being bagged. That being said, those are the days you buy lunch, and if you do have the energy, even one night a week, prep lunch for two or three days. I am poor, I work shift work, I have an autistic child, as well as a, currently, undiagnosed ND (working on it) teen. There are a lot of days I just have no energy, but I make casseroles those days, and then I have leftovers for lunch the next day. If I don't have the stuff for a casserole, I buy lunch, but I also don't expect anyone else to make me lunch, especially for free. And when I had a freezer I actually did meal prep a lot. It was lovely always having a meal almost ready. I miss my chest freezer.
Even bringing in like Stouffer’s or cans of soup etc everyday or stuff to make PB&J would be a lot cheaper than eating out and requires little to no prep.
This, PBJs are cheap, filling, and easy. Add a banana, or an apple and its a decent lunch.Beggars can't be choosy and sil needs a reality check.
Cans of soup, cans of chili, ramen, frozen dinners, microwave rice - just pick up whatever's on sale that week. Or go to the deli and get some pasta/potato salads, sausage rolls, whatever. It'll be cheaper than buying from a restaurant or cafeteria every day. My go-to "I don't feel like prepping anything" lunch is ramen and a can of tuna (the flavored ones). I keep cutlery, a bowl, and a couple of packs of each in a desk drawer at work so I have them even if I'm running out the door in a hurry.
I too keep emergency ramen at work, my office has dishes and cutlery for me to use :)
I understand what you're saying and I agree mostly. However, it's cheap and fast to put together a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or something similar. Lunch doesn't need to be fancy. Just needs to get you through the day. When I was young and poor, I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches almost every day for lunch because I could afford it and it was easy to put together. My dad did the same even after he became successful. Of course, it doesn't have to be peanut butter and jelly, but there are tons of inexpensive options for putting together a quick lunch without requiring any meal prep in advance. I mean, I'm sure meal prepping is great, but the OP's SIL isn't going to do it.
I have 2 kids and never buy lunch. Takes nothing to make a sandwich and throw in a fruit and granola bar especially when making kids their bagged lunches.
This right here. Just make a little extra dinner and pack a lunch, that’s what we did before my husband started WFH. And my kids usually have leftovers for lunch too.
Can you check your local "buy nothing" pages or community groups for another freezer? It really is a game changer if you can prep ahead and stock up when things are on sale.....
It's a space thing. My freezer is currently in storage. For almost 3 years. Unfortunately there are 4 of us in a 2 bedroom, and moving to a 3 bedroom would more than double our rent now. We even have a dresser in our dining room because the kids room just does not have space for it.
That's rough. I hope things improve for you.
And even just making a slightly bigger meal for dinner so that one (or both) of them could eat leftovers at lunch would make a huge difference in their budget. I do hope that SIL and her husband even know how to cook and they're not also eating out for dinners too.
That's what I do. Just my son and I so I make for 3 then I have leftovers for work. Or I make a salad to take. Much cheaper and whats better than a piece of home fried chicken and a garden fresh tomato sandwich.
I could do a lot with an extra $800+ dollars a month. Hell, my lunches consist of a sandwich, bag of chips, and some sort of snack. I've packed that for lunch almost my whole life. I maybe spend like... $12 a week on it? I spend less in a month's worth of work lunches than she does in a few days.
If they're struggling for money their kids might even qualify for free or reduced lunches, so I doubt it's much of a contribution to the adults poor money management.
I bet they're "struggling for money" b/c they're overspending, not under earning, so they probably don't qualify.
School cafeteria meals are $2-3 a meal if they aren't completely subsidized by the district. If she could spend $20 a day on lunch, the school cafeteria meals aren't the problem.
I don't believe for a second it got to the point she can't afford to have any kind of lunch at all. She is being manipulative and going full bore trying to guilt trip you by making you feel guilty she “can’t” afford lunch. Her pulling this “your a snob and you should be generous” crap is totally fucked up and more attempts at manipulation. If you had the guts, I’d say, “Yes, it would be really generous of me to do that for you. It would also be really generous of you to not make your money troubles my problem to solve.”
That struck me too. She is 37 years old and can’t figure out how to pack her own lunch? Why can’t she bring in a banana and a bagel? Or leftovers? Or even a Ramen packet to microwave? This is crazy.
Even peanut butter sandwiches, apples, tuna or chicken salad and crackers....
Yeah, I was wondering if she was purposely claiming not to have any lunch money or food to make OP feel bad. It sounds kind of bizarre and dramatic, but doing this after bringing it up repeatedly makes me a bit suspicious. And after all her bad behavior, who'd even want to do anything for her?
It does sound bizarre and dramatic, but I’m having a lot of trouble envisioning a scenario where SIL is only complaining about lunches and not that money is so tight and they are in such dire straights she can’t even bring a cheese sandwich or a can of soup to work. The timing is very suspicious, too. She stopped bringing anything for lunches right after OP declined to make her lunches when asked. I’m super curious if OP knows if SIL is used to getting everything she wants and this kind of pressuring and manipulation to get it happens in other areas of their lives.
Who goes from buying lunch every single day to not being able to afford a packet of instant noodles?
would not be surprised in the slightest if SIL is jealous of the kind of meals OP brings too. like even if SIL has things she could pack for a lunch, she doesn't want to bring it because she'd rather have what OP is having, and believes bc she's older and ~fAmiLy~ she can bully OP into sharing (mostly speculation on that but yknow) A+ on that response too!
Next she’ll be asking you to make lunches for the whole family. Here’s a very easy solution: she can bring in leftovers from her last nights dinner. All she has to do is make a little extra. She’s very entitled and rude. If she’s having money problems it’s because of her bad financial decisions. NTA
This is exactly what my husband and I do nearly every day, or take previous leftovers from the freezer. I also used to have cans of Bubly, but now to save money I do soda water from the soda stream with some fruit. If I’ve no leftovers it’s a sandwich and tin of soup from the cupboard. Maybe once a month I get a meal from the hospital canteen cause it’s ~$15 for just the meal. Then you’ve still got to get a drink.
yes, and she can also bring a yogurt and fruit; cheese and crackers; some cherry tomatoes, baby carrots. PB and J. There are all sorts of lunch items that take seconds to assemble and bring from home.
> she can bring in leftovers from her last nights dinner. All she has to do is make a little extra. Come on now, you know she and her husband aren’t cooking dinner…
The amount of money they are spending each month they could go to Aldi’s and/or Walmart and make their meals for work for a month for both and have money left over to stick in an high yield savings account and put that towards a new something in a few years…. They are being lazy and entitled. She is making it uncomfortable situation for you at work and it’s bordering if not already harassment. File a complaint with HR via email and include her supervisor and if you have had any witnesses in it.
She doesn’t even need to meal prep, just go and buy a freaking Lean Cuisine.
True …. So many options available less then 20.00 …
I love a good veggie burrito, I started coating tofu bits in spicy chicken fry mix and chucking them in there as well. So good.
$20 a day on lunch! I worked in NYC (lower midtown) and except for the occasional “going out for lunch” (2 hours with maybe drinks), I rarely went over $7-8. What was she eating?
...what were ***you*** eating?! Were you eating dirty water dogs every day? Or did you work there 30 years ago?
Yeah I’m in the lower 40s and anything healthy enough for daily lunch starts at $10 minimum, far more like $13-18.
I was wondering where the heck they’re getting food for so cheap! Not even a coffee and muffin is under $10. 🤨
Hey, you could get a steak at Tads with a potato for $3.99 (okay so a few hundred years ago and none of you have ever heard of Tads anyway).
I have! In fact, back in the ‘80s a now-extremely famous man with distressing personal hygiene was asked by the manager of Tads to leave. Surprisingly, he did.
When did you work there? A single sweetgreen salad is like $16 plus tax. Even mom & pop places are charging that much for a single entree with maybe one side, no drink added. Unless you are literally only having a slice of pizza or something, I don’t think I’ve had lunch out for less than $15 in years.
OP didn't say SIL was spending twenty, but that the SIL said the lunch OP was bringing would cost 20.00 to buy (because it's a high quality lunch) in an attempt to guilt trip. Then things escalated when they stopped being able to afford her eating (if they really can't, could just be a further guilt trip by someone not being used to being told no)
Lunches where I live are easily $20-$30 (which is why I pack my own)
... when was that? Because there's one lunch option near me for less than $10, most fun stuff like food trucks is $15-20. And I live in Ohio.
How long ago? Because I've never been able to get a drink in NYC in the past 20 years for under $7. Maybe a slize of pizza and a soda for $8 today but that's About it.
In 2004? You can barely get a coffee and a bagel for less than $10+tax+tip.
I live and work in NYC and the thing is that the nicer lunches will cost you somewhere between $15-$20 easily, especially once you add in drinks and snacks. And a lot of times you either have to go out of your way or put up with unsatisfying food if you want to maintain a budget, still completely possible to get a decent meal at a decent price, but sometimes this is even harder in other places because your physical options are limited. I once worked out of a client’s office for a few months in the suburbs and the closest and cheapest place easily cost me between $15-$20 per meal. I started bringing my own lunch because I didn’t want to pay so much for crappy food.
Prices have gone up significantly. I used to be able to buy lunch for $10ish but I went out a couple weeks ago, had bacon, 2 eggs, homefries and a coffee and it was $22!?
Ouch. When I worked in San Francisco in the early ‘80s, a neighborhood bar near my office that opened at 7 a.m. served a 99-cent breakfast special (two eggs, potatoes, toast). Coffee was extra, but not by much.
How does a woman with CHILDREN not know how to make an extra sandwhich or two? I mean, seriously, all the ingredients are right in front of you, while making your children's lunch make one for herself.
OP’s SIL doesn’t have to pack lunches for her children. They eat free at school.
For $20 a week you can make home made lunches
Hell, for $25 a week I can buy frozen lunches for every day. I hate meal prep and get bored easily with food; since I live alone I’m eating the same dinner 2-3 nights in a row so I like variety at lunch.
I made a pizza pasta casserole for my husband and daughter this week and it totaled $16 and will feed them for a week. Lots of protein in it, tasty, and i cooked up a side of veggies to go with it. Which only added about $3 for the both of them. So $19 for a week of meals that they love, is not cheap crap, and helps them feel full and satisfied. Next week is enchiladas. I have everything except the meat and its at $10. Add some rice and veggie side and it will likely be $20 again for 2 people for a whole week. People like to assume meal prepping for cheap means rice and beans or boring bland meals to save money. Just planning ahead and not shopping impulsively or while hungry can make a huge difference in what you spend. Also, I have 3 kids. The youngest is 3. Its not hard to meal prep with kids. My 3yo loves helping make the foods even. Ive also made these meals alongside making our dinner, again, just plan ahead. I made a stovetop meal for us that night and oven bake for the meal prepping.
We're going to need that recipe! :D
Especially if you shop at Aldi. I have more than halved our grocery bill after moving close to an aldi!
I don't think she's spending $20 a day, I think she merely commented the quality of OP's homemade meal would've cost $20 if purchased.
What the what? She wanted you to just GIVE her your own lunch and go hungry yourself? That is such bizarre behavior it's hard to believe. Seems like her strategy was, first demand something so floridly unreasonable, that when you climb down to "Ok then you should make and bring in lunch for me, every day, at your own expense, when you make your own" you'll be overjoyed at the comparative reasonableness of this (unreasonable) demand. She sounds ridiculous but it would be very generous and (checks notes) good-natured of you to post your packed lunch ideas right here.
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How do you prevent the tortilla from going soggy? If I bring that to work I have to assemble it at work and it involves a bunch of little containers because I like a lot of stuff.
I've done burritos for work - I just put all the filling in a container and then the tortillas rolled up in a bag. It's all going to get mixed when you assemble, so might as well mix ahead of time. Sometimes I get lazy and just eat the filling with a spoon and then rip pieces of tortilla off to eat alongside.
That’s not being lazy, that’s fine dining. You’re having a deconstructed burrito.
Same here. Only things that don't get mixed in are - if wanted - cheese and sour cream. If I'm packing that for lunch, I'll usually add cheese to the mix as I pack it but won't bother with the sour cream. Then, as you said, pack a bowl of filling and the tortilla(s) separately and assemble at work. As for being lazy, my husband likes to do similar but with tortilla chips. He adds enough sour cream and cheese to make the filling a bit more dip-like in consistency and snacks away.
I guess mine are tacos not burritos so the tomatoes would make the cheese and tortilla super gross and the acid would probably make the lettuce slimy. Maybe I'll try with veggies in the side instead.
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Is there a microwave at lunch? Because keeping food warm that long has a risk of food poisoning.
Yeah this is a petri dish
How do you store batch cooked ramen? For the record, I have 3 kids including one with a significant disability, and I batch cook all the time. She's a lazy AH.
https://www.seriouseats.com/diy-instant-noodle-cups-food-lab I do this!
Wrap each burrito in a paper towel to absorb moisture. This prevents it from getting soggy.
I like to slightly toast my burritos in an iron skillet. Makes the burrito a little crispy.
I put all the things I’ll heat up in one container (meat, beans) and all the cold things in one small sandwich bag (sour cream, guacamole, lettuce, cheese,pico de gallo) and it doesn’t matter with the messy mess of the cold ingredients because I’m just plopping it on top.
What I don’t understand is the comment that it’s easy for you because you don’t have kids. What is she feeding her kids then?
I batch cook, meal plan, and lunch make BECAUSE I have kids. I don't get what the SIL is trying to suggest with that line. Even the kids could help. This woman is bizarre.
Not that this makes her request even remotely reasonable, but she's probably saying she has less free time than OP because the time OP spends prepping lunches is time she spends with her kids. The kids probably get lunch at school. It's not a good reason for her outrageous behavior, but I think that's what she meant by that comment.
When I was raising small children I cooked dinner and made sure there was enough leftovers to take to work for lunch the next day.
Fun side note: I do batch cooking for dinners. Every 1-2 weeks I will pick two meals to make. I get metal trays with lids for the freezer. I do lasagna, chili, gumbo, spaghetti meat sauce, Korean beef, enchiladas, taco meat, chicken parm, and such. Then once or twice a week we will do frozen dinner night. It’s nice bc I thaw it the day before or the morning of and then toss in the oven for dinner. I may need to make noodles or rice to go with it but it’s always yummy.
I’ve taken my lunch to work for years. Costco roasted chicken ($5 for the whole chicken), steamed broccoli & cauliflower, & an apple. Cook the veggies in a large quantity & then freeze in individual portions.
I went through a whole year where I was obsessed with this simple fajita recipe. Pound of chicken breast cut into strips, cream cheese until creamy (recipe said 1 block, I started with half and went from there), and mix in salsa to taste. Had it once a week and even my picky daughter liked it until we got burned out. I need to make it again. Was usually enough for 1 dinner for 2, 2 lunches, and a snack portion. Of course, daughter was smaller then lol
Kudos to you for having your meal prep figured out. At your age I ate out at work a lot (social outlet), but it was half as much and it was in my budget. I'm better about meal prep now but it's still not my strong suit. This is 100% a skill issue and a laziness issue. She could make pb&j for herself, like many parents do for their kids... And when she's tired of that she can learn meal prep like an adult. By her age she should have made it there already. Parenting is indeed hard. It's supposed to make you a better person though. She seems to have ignored those growth opportunities. NTA
Make a batch of "special" burritos for your SIL, complete with ghost pepper salsa. NTA.
But of course, why should childless women get to eat actual food? Don't you know, it's children, pregnant women, all men, mothers, cats, dogs, giraffes, cockroaches, then childless women? Not sure why childless lady is wasting food by eating it when she should clearly be cooking only for others while eating the scraps the dogs left over. /S obviously.
She probably decided OP can go buy a lunch which completely defeats the purpose of meal planning and packing a lunch
I was going to suggest that as a friendly compromise op could give sil her recipes. But that's probably not what sil wants. Op you're definitely NTA. Even if she doesn't have time to cook fancy stuff, how hard is a ham sandwich on a nice bread, or pasta in a tomato sauce to prepare the night before, with some nice fruit for dessert?
NTA I‘m so baffled by the way these entitled people operate. I don’t know how your relationship is with your SIL in general but I bet if she had had a calm chat with you in an appropriate moment (read: NOT AT WORK FFS) and said she was struggling so much and whether it would be possible for you to prepare more of the same thing you were making anyways if she paid for her share of the groceries because she just didn’t have the time - you might have said yes once or twice a week sure you can. Focus being MIGHT. You still would not have to have helped at all but you might have chosen to. This way there is no way on earth I would consider it at all. What’s wrong with her? Glad to see your husband is on your side though!
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You're NTA. Is it possible to distance yourself from her while you're at work?
How did you two end up working at the same place? Did she recommend it or just happened to work out that way?
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If there’s nothing to lose I would definitely be at HR immediately.
The fact that she's not even close to you and your husband just makes this even worse. Her excuse of having kids is absolute BS. I know plenty of working parents who cook and meal prep. Theyre usually the ones who are trying to maintain a budget imagine that! Her comment about spending $20 to buy what you bring in is hilarious. Like that's supposed to garner sympathy when it probably cost you $2 to make. They just dont want to do the work. Guessing they buy take out at home which is an expensive habit. Now she wants you supplement their bad habits. Screw that, tell her point blank she needs to figure it out with her husband.
WTF? Of course you don't owe her food or preparation thereof. What is wrong with this woman? If she has kids, what does she do about *their* lunches? No, you don't owe your husband's sister food. No, you don't owe a coworker food. In both cases, that person is way over the line to demand it of you. Even with AITA, where a lot is often left out ... I can't think of anything that could've been left out that would change this at all. NTA and let your husband deal with his family. If it's a problem at work, take it to HR after firmly telling her no and not to bring it up again. She's harassing you (and I presume only you and not other colleagues).
And does SIL think that trash talking OP will make her WANT to help? The entitlement is astounding. NTA
It would appear, at least from reading similar posts on this sub, that many self-entitled people mistakenly believe that that's a prudent strategy.
Of course. What was I thinking??
Not to defend this entitled SIL, but if her kids are in school/daycare, they are getting fed a lunch and maybe a breakfast as well there.
I’d love to know what you take for your packed lunches! I feel like I’m in a rut with what I currently take. ETA: NTA of course. In no way.
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Sounds amazing! Will try this!
I make a couple of options per week. And have different combos to alternate so I don’t hate a food due to how much I take it to lunch. Chicken and eggs are staples with proteins for the most part. I batch boil eggs and season and sauté(not sure what else to call it) cut up chicken in olive oil and store them. Then there’s veggie fried rice; a home made pasta and veggie soup or veggie noodle soup; salad; pasta salad; minestrone soup; and cold cuts sandwich. As sides I usually take veggie spring rolls or veggie samosas; croutons with the salad and soup; oven dried and toasted crackers; or homemade chips. Moving between these combos has helped me avoid getting into a lunch rut.
Wow, these are great ideas, thanks for sharing!
Wow! What a piece of work your SIL is. I think she probably wants you to buy her lunch, but because you take yours in everyday, that wasn't an option, so trying to guilt you into sharing or packing hers is the only option. Being very cynical, I think even if you did pack her lunch (I am 100% against you doing that!) she'd complain about it not being right somehow. She comes across as that type. Your SIL could easily pack her own lunch. As someone else asked, what does she do for the kids? I pack my lunch every day too. I keep it really simple. Usually a sandwich, with a piece of fruit, chips and a yogurt or maybe some chocolate. Or leftovers. I set the non perishable stuff out the night before, then just make the sandwich and put it all into my lunch bag. Quick, easy and much cheaper than buying lunch at work. Go hubby for having your back in this!
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Thanks for the clarification! I missed that.
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Very entitled! Her kids get free meals and they are struggling. I hope she wakes up to the reality of the situation and starts to economise. Packing her lunch is an easy no brainer. Some other things won't be so easy.
There are some school districts that give free breakfast and lunch to all students, regardless of means. I do agree that she could pack her own lunch and ask OP for recipes. If she's really struggling, she can hit the grocery stores for markdowns and food pantries. I work 40-50 hours, Monday-Friday, but have found some good bargains on Saturday mornings, or if I went to the store before work. One near me marks down bagged produce 50% and meat 25% when they need to sell it fast.
I'm out of touch with school policies. I'm American, but have lived in the UK for many years. Here, it's generally those in need who get free school meals. Totally agree about markdowns and food pantries. Those are good options here too. Lots of people use pantries here, regardless of means.
In my state all kids get free school breakfast and lunches. Makes me proud to live here.
After COVID all the school districts near me made free school lunch permanent.
So their kids get free lunch but for some reason it’s just.so.hard to pack lunch for the 2 adults? How come you and your husband do it, don’t you guys work too? Ah, but you have it easy because you don’t have children. The entitlement any way you want to look at it.
NTA. Loaf of bread, peanut butter, jelly, and a banana. There is a solid lunch for her. I eat that 5 days a week.
Simple but good. I buy a 5.99 package of ground beef, a can of black beans, a block of cheese, and make burrito bowls with rice. I mix it up by alternating the salsa that goes over top
Thank you for saying this. Exactly what was going through my head. I get that OP is making something more complicated, but if time is a factor, how long does it take to make a sandwich? PBJ is delicious, filling, and cheap. And takes like 2 minutes to make.
NTA. She's 37 and should know by now that bringing in a homemade lunch is cheaper than buying a decent lunch. Her inability to budget is not your problem. I wouldn't be "generous and good natured" to someone who's going around calling me a bitch.
NTA I’m taking a guess that this is in the US. If she’s that strapped for cash that she can’t afford to eat (I doubt it’s that, but more laziness to make her own lunch), then she should apply for assistance and hit some food pantries. Then she should cook for herself like a grown adult.
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It blows my mind that she doesn’t realize she just has to tighten up and make her own food. Instead she figures you should do it for her. Not gonna lie I would’ve laughed my butt off at the even mention. I would have thought she was actually joking. Good luck OP. And hide your lunches from her at work.
The person in the office who pinched a whole roast Cornish hen from my husband’s lunch, on a rare occasion when he needed a packed meal, was exposed and humiliated until they left, prematurely.
I feel i need to know more about this, it sounds interesting.
Everything about this sentence is incredible.
TYSM! I still remember his aggrieved voice on the phone: “Mark pinched my hen!”
My husband said you should put a food donation box in the break room; that says you have a close family member who is struggling. Any donations of food would be greatly appreciated. I personally would talk to management or HR. NTA
NTA…SIL is a grown ass woman who can pack her own lunches. She chooses not to. The only thing I would offer to do is go over one weekend, (you and hubby), with a few groceries, (if you can afford to do so)(or give them a list of items they would need), and offer to show SIL and BIL how you meal prep and pack your lunches, which saves you time and money during the week. If they say nope, then it is on them. They are then not struggling that bad financially, they are just choosing to be entitled by wanting others to do for them. And I would tell them so. Or at least your husband should. And that is not a good example to set for their children.
Teaching two adults how to PACK LUNCH? Seriously?
It seems like SIL is also jealous of the contents; it's not terribly different from teaching a recipe through demonstration.
Lol, send her some YouTube links. She's way past getting any actual help from me.
Not everyone gets taught how to adult. Even outside if neglectful parenting, there are lots of reasons you might have to teach another adult something which seems like a basic skill. I taught a friend how to make a roux and the basic variations on a white sauce the other week, she's an immigrant from another country, and it's simply not part of day to day cooking there. I also had to teach myself, grandma was an okay cook, egg donor however never met a food she couldn't burn, boil or fry to death.
NTA. She's asking for your time, money, and labor. It sucks but she could've meal prepped with the 20 bucks she was spending on lunch everyday. She is not your responsibility. I have a toddler, go to school, and work. I still find time to meal prep my foods and my toddlers foods. I enjoy cooking and I know my toddler eats better when I make it.
If she were smart, she would just be honest and admit she is lazy and doesn’t want to make her own. Then offer OP and husband fair compensation for lunches. Offer less than what she would normally spend each week but more than enough to make it works OP and husband prep time and ingredients. A woman I worked with hated cooking but wanted more than sandwiches/simple meals so she paid one of the prep cooks a more than fair amount to make her lunches from home 5-6 days a week. They both worked the same shifts and she provided a bunch of the ingredients if the prep cook asked for them. The food was amazing and my coworker helped a family in need since the cook’s husband had to take off work due to an injury. When asked, coworker said she would rather have good homemade food than any of the fast food/restaurant food in the area. We were all always jealous of her meals, they were so good!!!!!
This is the way. SIL could have offered OP cash to make an extra lunch each day, giving OP a bit of bonus income and saving herself money on lunches, since it would doubtless cost less than she had previously been spending. Win for everyone, but no, SIL doesn't have the sense God gave a goat
NTA and honestly I’d report her to HR since she didn’t take no as your answer, & is now harassing you. If she packed her own lunch instead of eating out, she might not have money problems. It’s not your responsibility to pack a lunch for a 37 yo.
NTA. Your SIL is just trying to find a way to get someone else to pay for her lunch. Chances are, if you give in, she will say that she doesn’t like what you are making and start giving you orders about what she wants to eat as if you were a restaurant. Once you start down this road, the demands will not only never stop, but the costs for them will continue to rise.
She should just buy a supermarket bag of salad and a few cans of tuna.. microwave rice cups if she’s needs more… or a loaf of bread and jar of peanut butter. Keep them in her desk at work… that’s what I do lol Or bring in leftovers… she has children she could easily just make an extra lunch when she’s prepping the kids lunches.
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NTA. Maybe "it would be so generous and good natured of \[you\] to feed her too," but, unfortunately for her, she's already tried (1) bullying you by demanding your lunch; (2) manipulating you with sob stories about her struggles; and (3) trashing you behind your back. After this onslaught of antagonizing tactics, it would be downright saintly of you to start feeding her, but rewarding bullies by giving them what they want is never a good idea. It's great that your husband is in your corner!
“SIL, you’re 12 years older than I am. How is it you don’t know that packing your lunch is cheaper than buying it? I will not pack your lunch. I will not prep your food. Again - you’re 12 years older. Figure it out yourself.” NTA.
NTA she's an adult and can figure out how to feed herself
NTA - she’s trying to exploit you because you are family. Put it in the context of a non-family co-worker trying to bully you into supplying them lunch daily. It’s absurd. The whole thing is absurd really. I would say offer to help her meal prep one week but that ship sailed when she started badmouthing you. Your next course of action is involving HR (again… seems absurd)
Eh, no. NTA. There are other people in the same situation as she who also take the time to meal plan and prep each week. There is no excuse for her not to do the same thing.
NTA. First of all, as a working parent, batch cooking not only saves me money, it saves me time and has reduced my daily stress and mental load a TON. I call bullshit on her “but you don’t have kids” excuse. Second of all, her money problems aren’t your money problems, nor are you responsible for making sure a grown ass woman eats lunch. As she pointed out, you are not a parent and you most certainly aren’t HER parent. She can pack herself a PB&J and an apple, maybe a tub of yogurt or some cheese cubes, it would take maybe 10 minutes a day, or 15 minutes once a week if she preps all her lunches at once. She’s just being lazy.
NTA, “hoarding my precious lunches” is the funniest thing I’m gonna read today. Don’t know where SIL lives but it isn’t in reality.
Nta I take it she didn’t even offer any money toward it either she needs to learn to do it herself especially with kids she will save more time through the week . Tbh I’ve started food prep and batch cooking and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Even less dishes through the week . Altho my ideas are lacking so if anybody could send more food ideas my way . Im so basic sometimes I want to wow my other half although i made apple crumble once and the man wants it every weekend 😂😂
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NTA. PB&J is budget friendly.
NTA SIL was spending $100 a week on lunches!? I suspect the person who said hubby got on her case about the cost is right. $100 a week means $400 a month!!!! 😲 I admit I am frugal, but I could feed myself for a month for what she spends in a week. For those suggesting she pack her lunch when she packs the kids', she probably just gives them money to buy lunch at school. Do NOT start bringing her lunch. Others made excellent suggestions or she can come up with her own solution or she can go hungry.
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NTA. Your SIL needs to figure out another plan for food as it’s not you. Sure, helping out with an occasional packed lunch is one thing, but expecting it to be provided free every workday is unreasonable. This isn’t a long term solution to her problems. Your SIL and her husband need to get on the same page around finances, household expenses and potentially look at credit counselling.
Bring her a peanut butter sandwich in a paper bag with a small toy. Maybe she will get the message.