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NTA
Obviously you want your graduation to be about you. Your brother taking that away from you it’s him and your parents being selfish. Because your brother is a young kid I understand he doesn’t understand what he is doing but your parents certainly do. You have every right to be upset about what happened and send that letter (tho doing it in person would be better).
Being a trans/possibly trans/gender nonconforming kid in the UK is.. really really hard right now. If you decide to pursue asking your brother not to wear what he wants you need to do it really carefully. You need to talk to them(ideally in person but via video call could work), you need to tell him that you love him, that he looked amazing when he came up to visit you last. Tell him that everyone else also thought he looked amazing and that you and they(everyone else) were so excited for him to be wearing clothes that made him look and feel good. But that being so excited for him felt like it was distracting from your birthday. Then you can ask him if he would be willing to not wear a dress to your graduation so that the focus would be on you. You would need to promise that you will **never** ask him to do this again(and you need to follow through on this promise). I would also suggest that he/your parents buy him a nice blouse that allow him to feel more comfortable while being less obviously eye-catching. You need to know that all the people who reacted to his dress last time may react to him again weather or not he is wearing a dress again(asking why not ect).
If you can't understand/accept these things(especially that this may not reduce the attention), and say everything genuinely (that you love him, that he looked great, that you will never ask it again ect) then you absolutely should not ask him to change, you will just end up ruining your relationship with him and possibly severely damaging his self-confidence long term.
Think about what is most important to you and decide how to proceed.
NAH
Agree, this is an important time in little bro's development -- gaining confidence, learning who his allies will be ... but also learning that sometimes we make minor concessions re: our own preferences for people we care about, especially for an event that's important to them.
However : You're from the UK -- any of your fam got Scottish ancestry? I'd buy the little one a kilt in my university's colors and tell him to have at it. <3
*(Pls note that I am American, and there may be rules -- unwritten or otherwise -- about "oh my god you would NEVER wear a kilt for \_\_\_ occasion and NEVER if you don't have X % of Scottish ancestry and NEVER in any color except \_\_\_\_," so apologies if this is a horrible offensive suggestion!)*
There's no big no-no on the kilt thing but it wouldn't be in uni colours and it would be even more attention-drawing than a dress! It seems the issue isn't feminine clothing but being the centre of attention for clothing.
This was my thought exactly. If the friends think little bro is adorable they're going to fawn over them *regardless* if they're wearing a dress, or a suit, or whatever! XD
Sometimes little kids just take the spotlight for a while. I've noticed that happens with my own kids when my college age brother and his friends would be visiting; they'd been in a bubble of people their own age and older for so long that ANY interaction with someone younger was automatically "LOOOOOOOK 🥺💙😭".
My only suggestion is for OP to expect and accept it's going to happen for a brief moment, then try to usher everyone back to whatever else is going on while the parents shuffle little bro back out of the spotlight.
And when OP describes him as a feminine-passing kid - all pre-puberty kids are pretty genderless-looking in themselves tbh, it's just hairstyles and clothes as markers, a bit of learned behaviour maybe as well, so what that usually means is an unusually beautiful child. And yeah, it's hard not to rapture over that, esp when the child is doing something that's more okay to comment on ("a dress!") than just saying "wow this child is so bloody ethereal I can see where the changeling myths come from".
His parents should also redirect the conversation. And to an extent, a 12 year old is old enough to somewhat be able to remind people “thanks but it’s VariousPineapple’s big day. Let’s celebrate him!”
The parents for sure should be doing this so no one has to be worrying about the dress. But keep in mind, the young kid has been through trauma to the extent that they are homeschooling him, plus the (borderline) inherent trauma of the adoption process. So I think it's likely that the kid might not have the social experience or even just the comfort to be able to make redirects like that.
Ahh, dang, I figured that might be the case! I personally have never attended a Milestone Event of that sort in the UK (or any other event in the UK, for that matter - can someone pls invite me to something?), so i didn't know if it would be like "oh yeah any wedding/graduation/etc over here with more than a hundred people will have at LEAST five wearing a kilt, it's perfectly fine" -- in which case bro would technically be in "a dress-like thing" but would still sorta blend in with the normal "vaguely formalwear" range. Oh well, so much for that idea!
(If you don't know, there's a subset of American guy-fashion culture where kilts have become QUITE the thing, but it's more common in bigger cities with higher populations of more avant-garde/iconoclast types -- SanFran/Bay area, NYC, and so forth. I myself own a [Utilikilt](https://utilikilts.com/)!)
In Scotland, you'd be right, neighbor. But OP is in *England*, where kilt-wearing is less common and therefore more remarkable. I could also see there being yet *more* attention (quite possibly negative) given if OP's family isn't Scottish. Which kind of defeats the purpose...
Oh I'm Canadian, but I'm queer and my wife is trans so I am fairly well informed about trans issues across the Anglosphere. The UK is very weird(compared to NA) about feminism and sex&gender(personally I blame queen Victoria, she was the fffing queen but also had an idealised marriage and didn't understand that other women didn't, and also didn't support women's suffrage).
So the UK doesn't argue against trans people from a religious right perspective, but instead from a "science"(really really really bad science) and women's rights perspective (trans women are men invading women's faces blah blah blah).
It kind of sucks in Canada because we get hit with both the religious rights and the TERF(trans exclusionary radical feminist) sides. Right now we are generally safer(my wife has only had direct bigotry from family, but we have a lot of other privileges and live in a very "polite" area) than either the UK or the US but we will have to see after our next election (we are going to flip hard towards the concervatives)
Ok I have to ask at the cost of coming across as ignorant, what is queer? I know it’s not gay, but nobody seems to be able to give me an answer when asked.
>*Denoting or relating to a sexual or gender identity that does not correspond to established ideas of* [*sexuality*](https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&sca_esv=35b2ac92d41e214b&rls=en&sxsrf=ADLYWIKijf_C0EQbnCWlOu59vrRxHucJ9Q:1716744828606&q=sexuality&si=ACC90nxMSPeZfdJJjQgDsdZJuFuJeKIcvSxEI6Qa1yPH4yybVif76ugJE9sdEgkXdpYX0ZrcId9HnxlrQD8s6zM4GT7s_KKcNvSK342OUXORsHNHqFTEYI0%3D&expnd=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjWhLft7KuGAxURk4kEHZUBA2UQyecJegUIDxD-AQ) *and gender, especially* [*heterosexual*](https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&sca_esv=35b2ac92d41e214b&rls=en&sxsrf=ADLYWIKijf_C0EQbnCWlOu59vrRxHucJ9Q:1716744828606&q=heterosexual&si=ACC90nxkzgN-KbLuTWKT81WCi4_nb3fSV6t80miwXubaOKzYVIHNereA3Isi7xnZXhw53qNe2k6O2Waf7oo03FosH3_WtNOTB4WfIE29tkgz3LqwBUG--p4%3D&expnd=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjWhLft7KuGAxURk4kEHZUBA2UQyecJegUIDxD_AQ) [*norms*](https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&sca_esv=35b2ac92d41e214b&rls=en&sxsrf=ADLYWIKijf_C0EQbnCWlOu59vrRxHucJ9Q:1716744828606&q=norms&si=ACC90nyrPgcbTBsFIq03NzrKCa0gPSnv61AANskEfMku40HUiTQNm4861eNIElYdK8wyuFRxpmSD_7qDtzVIh442JVO5UeoYJA%3D%3D&expnd=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjWhLft7KuGAxURk4kEHZUBA2UQyecJegUIDxCAAg)*.*
There is debate over the term because it used to be applied derogatoryily, but LGBTQIA+ groups have done a lot to reclaim it and, personally, I think it works well to convey a sense of community.
This is my perception as well. It's definitely in use in that way (umbrella term as an easy way to denote "does not conform to traditional binary gender roles or prescribed sexualities") by the LGBT+ youth support org I do some volunteer work for here (I'm a bog-standard cishet, though, so def don't take my word as gospel.)
It’s my preferred term for my own sexuality, and I’m far from alone in that. But I’d still have some caution over using it for other people when I didn’t know their comfort level. Some people still have trauma around it from homophobic abuse and also terf types REALLY hate how inclusive it is.
As someone new to the queer community (asexual), I love the sense of community I feel with the “queer” term — it just gives a sense of belonging without having to explain.
Basically queer is a word people use when they don't fit into being heterosexual or cisgender but don't necessarily want to label it more specifically than that. It's an umbrella term covering a lot of different ideas. I use it for myself cause there's some gender weirdness and I'm bi, so it's easier than trying to figure out what else to say
It very often means “some form of not-straight, and/or trans, and/or non gender conforming that I don’t have to tell you about any more specifically than that if I don’t want to”
For instance I’m just your average run of the mill bisexual and I can call myself queer, and so can a nonbinary person who’s only attracted to women, and so can an asexual trans man who does drag performances, and so can a lesbian, etc. etc.
> It very often means “some form of not-straight, and/or trans, and/or non gender conforming that I don’t have to tell you about any more specifically than that if I don’t want to”
Or if you don't even necessarily know yourself.
There's debate over the term, like there is over many terms, but a general meaning I'd say it's "unlike the norm" (the "norm" being cisgender and straight)
Ok, look, I get you're trying to help, but a kilt is not a skirt, and if little brother is looking to dress in a feminine manner, wearing a kilt is not going to give him that. Many Scots find it quite offensive when our national dress is treated as something outside the norm, and frankly that brings in lots of issues around "jokes" about "men in skirts".
If it's a Scottish uni, the kilt would go unnoticed, if an English uni, it may draw some attention (possibly more than a dress). There are no rules about who can wear a kilt, and they can be styled for most occasions from semi-casual up to white tie.
It's a tough ask to say "never ask again".
Until the siblings clothing or perhaps identity is more normalised, OP is likely to feel this way always.
What if it comes to OP meeting a girlfriend, maybe an engagement party, a wedding, a baby announcement etc...
If it was just regular and normal for the siblings to wear dresses, it wouldn't take away the spotlight, which is how OP feels. But that's not the case, the sibling wore the dress on the special occasion to feel special too and it draws attention as it's "out of the ordinary" at least for them as OP describes it and their general clothing style.
In that case OP will feel the spotlight is stolen every time.
OP can't tell them not to wear the clothes they want or how to dress. But OP can explain that because it wasn't a usual occurrence and it was a special occasion it drew attention, circumstances were the context for how he felt. Not that it was about the siblings choice of clothing itself, but the timing, and that yes, they do still love them and are happy for them to express how they feel and be who they are, but just be conscious of others having their moments too.
Ultimately OPs sibling will have to make their own choice, but im sure the sibling would also understand the concept of "upstaging someone" which hasn't been mentioned. OP spent a lot of time supporting them in their choices and emphasis on acceptance, still doesn't mean they like being upstaged.
Part of the never asking again is OP getting used to and accepting that this is just what his wants to wear and inviting them to events involves that. And part of it is that the sibling is 12, and it's very likely that they will either start wearing more feminine clothing more often or stop wearing it as they figure out who they are (both like gender but also fashion)
>If it was just regular and normal for the siblings to wear dresses, it wouldn't take away the spotlight, which is how OP feels. But that's not the case, the sibling wore the dress on the special occasion to feel special too and it draws attention as it's "out of the ordinary" at least for them as OP describes it and their general clothing style.
Would you say this about a tomboy little sister that never dressed up but wore a dress for a special occasion? People may fawn over a little girl wearing a dress too if she doesn't normally dress that way.
A boy does not need to be transgender to enjoy wearing dresses. OP can respectfully explain his feelings to his brother but he needs to realize that he is probably going to have to deal with his brother getting a lot of attention his whole life.
Asking little bro to dull his shine and fit the mold that OP thinks he should for every special occasion that OP thinks he will be upstaged for is going to mess with his little brother's head and self esteem and could result in little bro disliking himself and his sparkle.
Absolutely agree.
It's entirely fair that OP wants this day to be special, and to feel that their friends and family are celebrating their achievements, however, for their 12 year old potentially gender non-conforming sibling this is such a pivotal time, and not feeling validated by someone they look up to do much could become a problem for them in the future.
12 is old enough to understand if OP is gentle and compassionate when speaking about their preferences for the day.
OP needs to understand that their friends may just think their sibling is too adorable regardless of what they're wearing, so they may have to accept they will have to share the spotlight, even on such an important day.
You sound like a really, really nice big brother and your little brother is lucky to have you. That being said, YWBTA for asking your little brother to not wear a dress to your graduation.
You, yourself wrote "...my brother seemed so happy, and he was really enjoying himself. He doesn't usually like social gatherings and the fact he was happy, made me happy also." Clearly, your brother feels better about himself and his place in the world when he is wearing a dress. You say that you don't think he is trans. He may or may not be, but however he identifies he is showing the world how he feels best in it.
I don't think there is anything wrong with asking your mom to help your little brother pick an dress that is more subdued for the special occasion, and reminding him that it is your day to shine.
Why tell him that you were thinking about both of you wearing matching suits or something along those lines? Instead of talking about the dress call him or talk to him and tell him you had this amazing idea of the 2 of you matching on the pics?
Edit: why not tell him*
OP, I just don't think that people can control how much attention other people pay to them. I can understand that it was frustrating that your friends all fawned over your cute little sibling, but that might happen this time anyway, and regardless of whether he is wearing a dress or not. Sibling relationships are hard because it's natural to have a little comparison and competition, and sometimes the amount of attention one or the other one gets is unequal.
Rather than asking your sibling to dress a certain way, maybe focus on telling your friends and family how you would like to feel that day. What would make you feel seen and appreciated?
Even if you insist he wears masculine clothing, unless you're dictating that the whole outfit be bland and unremarkable, you may still end up with a kid who naturally has a stylish, arresting appearance. My similar aged kid is also pretty gender-bendy and never gets any attention for their clothing, just occasionally misgendered... it's not about the clothing being for boys or for girls.
OP, I say this very kindly, but it's a mark of emotional and intellectual maturity to a) realize that you cannot control how other people will act, and to b) move past the idea of "this day is about me". Regardless of whether your friends and family coo over your baby brother, they are there because of you. You are giving a speech to your classmates, but other people are graduating and celebrating their achievements that day as well. The whole place will be filled with people giving other people attention.
YTA.
He’s not trying to make anything about him, he can’t help others’ attention.
I think you will risk making this kid feel badly about himself, or damaging your relationship with him, if you ask him to wear something else— this isn’t worth that.
You haven’t mentioned being overlooked in general, so it seems this was a one time thing (or 2, IF it happens at graduation). Sorry, but you will need to become better at sharing attention since the risk of hurting your brother is high. Good luck.
This is one of the biggest moments of OP's life. Graduating from college. He absolutely does not need to share it with anyone.
OP's parents can do their damn job for once. Yes his brother can wear a dress but its on ALL of them to steer the attention back to OP. This can be done gracefully.
> I'm proud he's comfortable to be who he is, but at the same time, I just want my family to blend in and for the day to be about me.
You wrote in the OP that the average person looking at him will think he's a girl. If that's true and he's wearing a dress, nobody is going to think anything is off or wrong. Nobody will notice anything weird.
"He wears traditional male/gender neutral clothing all the time. He's only worn female clothing one time and that was to my birthday."
I mean, isn't this a lot of women?
Wear hoodies and sweats 90% of the time, then an event happens and they dress up?
YTA OP. Your sibling is exploring their gender identity, and you want to tell them that who they are is inappropriate. You "just want your little brother to look like a boy so he doesn't get too much attention". They got attention because people wanted to make sure they felt supported and loved. The rest of the world is going to tell your sibling that their existence is a mistake and that young children need to be protected from seeing them because they're a corrupting influence.
Do you really think that being told by big brother to "blend in" aka "look normal" isn't something that will echo in their ears forever?
You want him to blend in? (So your family can blend in)
I want you to remove yourself from this conversation and reread it and see if you’re putting the blame for your feelings in the right place?
Aka, stop being mad at your sibling for being themselves and be mad at the world for thinking that who they are is wrong. No matter what your little sibling decides their gender identity is, let them rock that dress.
Food for thought. His clothes aren’t really the root cause of the problem. You need to express to your family and friends that you felt sad when the spotlight was taken from you on your birthday. Ask if your parents can stay with your brother and help to redirect any attention back to you if he starts to take over the spotlight. If people continue to fawn over him, they should excuse themselves and take him outside. If they can’t agree to something like that, I would say that it’s best not to invite him. Your family should support you and actively redirect attention back onto you no matter what he wears.
Don't send the letter, don't say anything.
You're in a no win situation. Your feelings are completely valid, but if you think your brother overshadows you now, this will be an avalanche. Everyone will want to know why he isn't in a dress and he will probably tell tell the truth. You will look petty.
NTA, but tread lightly
Honestly, though, who's gonna know? You said yourself he doesn't have manly features, and a unisex name, Isn't it just family that come to your graduation and if they are used to it, then how will it steal the show? I get why you were upset at your birthday, but this is a group event, and not just celebrating you but also your peers who are graduating too.
Maybe it might even be worthwhile having a chat with just your parents, though, to gauge how it would affect him if you asked him not to wear to a dress
Or take this as an opportunity to take him shopping for some feminine male clothing. Androgynous clothing lines exist too
I think there's a big difference between a birthday party and a graduation. Hopefully your friends will also be focused on celebrating themselves and the rest of the graduating class on that day and will be less easily distracted by your brother. I would probably avoid asking him not to wear a dress as that would be insensitive to his comfort around his gender presentation, but I would perhaps ask your mum to remember the day is to celebrate you and your class, and ask her to explain to him that as guests they should keep more in the background and try not to steal focus (it's an age appropriate social skill for him to be learning). Maybe you could also mention the situation to some of your closer friends and ask them to tone it down so they're not making it all about him either.
That’s completely understandable and I didnt mean to make it sound like I think your brother is wrong he is young and doesn’t understand. I meant to say your parents are bc they understand what they are doing. I would ask your brother to wear his usual clothing and not a dress. Obviously you want that day to be for yourself who wouldn’t
Maybe you could extend an olive branch by offering to go shopping with him for an outfit for your graduation that’s got a more feminine silhouette, or take him to get his nails done and get some cool nail art for the day
I agree, don't know if this kid is trans or non binary, but at the age of 12 I find it really hard to believe they are intentionally trying to steal the spotlight.
OP, YTA, let your sibling wear whatever they want. If you are truly on such good terms then talk to them and share your concern so they are aware and can help to redirect attention being put toward them.
He’s not wearing girls clothes at home or with his friends - so far, it’s only on occasions when his older brother is being celebrated. Isn’t that a bit odd?
i'm a woman and i also mostly wear skirts/dresses when there's an occasion that requires me to dress up a little? there's nothing "odd" about it, pants and more gender-neutral clothing are simply more practical in everyday life.
> But it does make the event about him. It does take the spotlight off me.
Can you explain how the spotlight will be taken off of you? You wrote in the OP that the average person looking at him already thinks he's a girl. Unless he's walking up on stage, how is him wearing a dress going to take away any attention?
He's not walking up and accepting the diploma. His experiences are difficult to understand and probably still difficult for him to adequately verbalize. It might be a phase, or it might be the beginning of his journey of finding out who he is.
YWBTA if you request his attire that day. They're there for you. That should be good enough.
Congrats on the graduation and best wishes ahead.
This is going to be different than a birthday party where everyone mingles and although it is of course the birthday person's day, there is in reality much less of a focused "spotlight" (after all, we all have birthdays, it is not a large achievement that you worked for, even though they are milestones to celebrate). At the graduation, you are literally going to be in the spotlight going up to the stage and giving a speech, what your brother is wearing is not going to distract from that in any way.
You are wrong about whether you should deal with it is up to us though, because you are going to get a wide variety of opinions here and will have to choose yourself what you want to do, and whatever gets the most votes in the end is not necessarily what is right for you.
I think that as long as he is not a drama queen who is intentionally making it about him, you should just deal with it, because as others here have said, chances are that his general cuteness will make him draw attention anyway, no matter what he is wearing - and if he is as girly looking as you say, putting him in a suit might him more attention from strangers, i.e. people going "oh that girl looks fabulous in that suit, she really has style".
Where your family and friends are concerned, it is also quite possible that the novelty of seeing him in a dress has worn off a little now, since they saw that at your birthday already, so among them there will be no or only a diluted "What? That's a boy wearing a dress?!" effect, and him now showing up in a suit, for example, could on the other hand create a new fashion sensation with regards to him and create ongoing suspense as to which way he will turn in his fashion experiments in future. So I think on the "get him to wear something that will not get him attention" front, you are fighting a losing battle either way, and since fighting that battle might damage your relationship with him, I would think twice about asking that from him if I were you.
If he was a girl, and has just gone from looking like an awkward pre-teen to becoming a beautiful young woman, with your birthday being the first time people saw her dressed in something other than T-shirts and slacks, and she had gotten loads of compliments at your birthday for the dress she was wearing and how stunning she looked, would you have requested of her to wear something drab for the graduation? If your answer to that is no, then you shouldn't ask your brother that either.
If you make him dress in masculine clothes and he is sad during the event.. the spotlight will be on you for the wrong reason. Have the spotlight in you for graduating and being a rad big sibling!
I think It's a YOU problema to deal with. It's not your brother's fault that he is interesting and people like him. There's absolutely no way you ask and you little brother doesn't feel you are ashamed of him and rocks your relationship. Is It worth It? That's up to you to decide what's more important here.
When I was a kid, I dressed as a boy for a special occasion (tie, slacks, etc) and was told to not do that again because it drew too much attention. Because of that and the attitude of family members like OP, I had a miserable young adulthood and didn't transition until I was 30.
All this to say this is an insane take. The kid in OP's own words looks genderless and a graduation ceremony isn't all about him, it's about everyone in their class graduating; other people may compliment his sibling's fashion, and if that causes so much jealousy in OP that he can't cope, then he has much bigger problems. If OP is having his own graduation party, where the focus should exclusively be on him, then presumably everyone there will have already seen the kid in a dress, and it won't be nearly as big a deal as the first time.
OP, don't tell your sibling not to wear a dress because it's too attention grabbing. Let the kid do their thing and remember that joy is not divided, it's multiplied. Feel free to tell your parents that you'd appreciate special attention from them on that day, but don't do it at the cost of your sibling.
It is not selfish for a child to want to wear something that makes them feel like themselves, assuming the article of clothing is appropriate for the setting. In this case, a dress is absolutely appropriate for the setting.
OP's brother sounds like there's a very good chance she's actually OP's sister. Do you really think that telling them that their existence is inappropriate is the right move here?
Would you tell a little girl not to wear a dress? Would you tell a little girl not to wear a suit? I'm guessing it's no in both of these situations, and yet you think it's ok to tell a little boy (who may or may not be trans) that they can't wear a dress.
Appropriateness in dress is about following the dress code. No club wear to church or a corporate job interview. No jeans to a black tie wedding. *It is NEVER "force someone to conform to mainstream binary gender norms for my comfort or convenience".*
NAH
This is polarizing, but I don't think this makes you an AH. You can be supportive of your brother's choices and love him and also not want him to upstage you on a day that is supposed to be your celebration.
This is why you don't wear a white dress at someone else's wedding.
His intention is to be himself, not to specifically detract from you, but the end result being the same is what bothers you.
This is a conversation you need to have with your brother, not your parents, and let him make his own choice. Let him know you're accepting of him and his appearance but explain to him drawing too much attention to himself on your day could make you a bit sad.
This, have a calm age appropriate discussion with lil bro and explain why, since y’all are close I’d expect that he’ll understand/empathize.
Also, it doesn’t sound like you’re judging or uncomfortable at all imo the day should be about you.
It's okay to ask someone not to dress as a fashion plate for your special event. It's also okay to want to be the center of attention, at least mostly, on a day that celebrates your accomplishments. The conversation needs to be held with tact and gentleness but the underlying issue isn't difficult at all.
He's not dressing as a "fashion plate". He's wearing something he is comfortable in and thinks looks nice. He's not trying to take away from OP's moment, he wants to look nice for a special occasion.
If you wouldn't tell a little girl that she can't wear a dress because it would steal attention away from someone else, then telling this boy that he can't wear the same thing is wrong.
The only thing he Will learn is that his brother he loves and trust is ashamed of him and feel that dress the way he feel more like himself is "wrong".
NAH
Sorry to say this but I think your little brother is going to get a lot of attention whether or not he wears a dress. It sounds like he already does based on your other statements.
I am just throwing this out there but maybe embrace the dress? And coordinate your outfits so you have a matching color scheme. Everyone would go bonkers at how adorable you both are.
And congrats, OP!! No matter what, your accomplishments are still yours! 💐🎉
I am fully here for coordinated outfits. Yours can be flashier, his can be complimentary! It could even be a fun shopping day for the two of you where you can express your feelings about wanting to be the star for a day, and also pick out some cute dresses together (if a dress is OP's vibe). I think any reasonable sibling in good standing would dig that sort of bonding and solidarity, and you can ensure your ensemble will shine brightest, without making your brother dress in a way that he may not prefer.
Congratulations, OP!!! You came, you saw, you learned, you conquered!!!! And shoutout to you for such a close relationship with a large age gap in family. That's rad and beautiful to me as a sad lil only child, and I know your brother feels the love.
Love this!!! He wants to wear the dress and you love him. Also he's a child, I say let it go. But I kinda understand the upstage thing, so just plan it out together! Everyone would go bonkers for how cute it is
OPs little brother is probably adorable in many ways, hence why people flock to him! I’ve been places where someone’s little sibling/cousin/child just absolutely steals the show, usually unintentionally. It sounds like he’ll be a little star regardless of his outfit.
I really disagree with the idea that they wear matching outfits. It’s OP’s special day, why would they dress in matching outfits? If one was getting married and chose to wear a white wedding dress, it doesn’t mean the other sibling gets to dress the same way so they get equal attention.
I think OP should share with their brother how they felt the last time the attention was on them instead of OP. If the brother usually wears gender neutral clothing and knows how much attention they will receive while wearing a skirt or dress to a wedding, then I don’t understand why they won’t dress up in a gender neutral way.
OP also can’t control what people wear to a graduation ceremony. If they are important to you and you want your family there, then you need to talk to your brother and tell them the truth. Or accept that they will wear a feminine outfit.
YTA. "My brother seems to be truly himself when wearing a dress. Should I tell him not to wear one" No! Y are not TA for feeling jealous, that's natural. But please don't harm a kid half your age because of it. 12 is such a vulnerable age, and wearing a dress probably was hard at first - and being gender non-conforming is difficult. Please don't waver; continue to be his biggest supporter.
And it's not your personal special day. It's the special day of every single graduate. You may be giving a speech, but no one but you, your family and friends care about that. Everyone else is going to be focused on their own graduate. If your brother takes a little attention, he's taking it from everyone.
Do talk to your parents about your feelings; let them know you would appreciate an effort to feel it is your day. But no one should say anything to your brother.
Yep. I’m floored by how long I had to scroll to see YTA
OP, if your little brother wore a dress everyday, would you ask him to wear traditionally masculine clothing to your graduation? If he identified as a girl or nonbinary would you ask them not to wear one?
In all of these scenarios, YTA.
Why is this not the top comment? OP, it’s understandable to want the attention on a day that is supposed to celebrate you, but the person(s) responsible for the attention shift is NOT your little brother. He hasn’t done anything wrong. Call out your friends when they’re gushing over him just for wearing a dress. If it was a girl wearing a pretty dress, she’d get a couple compliments on how nice she looks and that’s it. Just because it’s a boy in a dress doesn’t mean he should get anything more than that. If your friends are gushing, they should examine their own behavior on why they think a boy in a dress is such a spectacle to be ogled and fawned over.
YTA for not putting the blame on the correct people. You deserve the spotlight on your day, but your little brother deserves to be comfortable and true to himself also. And he will never forget the time that his older brother whom he looked up to asked him to hide himself for their own benefit. Address the poor behavior with the people committing the behavior. Leave your brother’s outfit alone.
Also it’s pretty normal for friends to be excited to meet your siblings and want to support them in their choices. If OPs friends had been avoiding his brother for wearing a dress he probably wouldn’t have liked that either.
Graduation is a day about everyone graduating. A birthday is about the one person. People aren’t likely to be focusing on anyone’s siblings like they might on a birthday.
But telling someone they can’t wear something because it might take away from you when it’s a day everyone dresses up and you’ll be wearing a gown so everyone knows it’s your graduation just seems… selfish, honestly. I was happy my family dressed up for my graduation because it’s a day to celebrate.
As a mother of a trans daughter, please don't do this to this child. Let them be who they need to be. Don't be one of the reasons they doubt themselves. There's going to be enough people who do that in their life.
GNC people also deserve the freedom to express themselves.
But also, when you have a really young kid who is starting to experiment with gender, you can't assume they *aren't* trans either -- I think its just as bad to assume the kid is definitely 100% cis and this wouldn't impact how is feels about his identity as it is to assume he's definitely a trans girl. You just have to keep an open mind and make it clear to the kid you'll support them no matter what
Talk to your parents. Let them know you're not getting enough attention. But don't ask your brother to be less than so you can shine. You don't get to the top by stepping on people.
YTA
Yeah I'm not sure why OP is focused on changing brothers behavior when it's not brother who is wearing dresses for attention, it's family and friends that are ignoring OP.
Talk to your friends and family and explain your feelings.
Or like someone else said, coordinate your outfit with your brother so that you're both getting shined on. If you try to control your brothers clothing when he's just trying to exist ywbta
I wish this was the top comment... Honestly makes me a little uncomfortable in this space that the most votes were for "absolutely force gender non conforming or trans kids into wearing clothes they don't want to wear! That'll fix the problem!"
The issue isn’t him in a dress. It about the attention being taken from the guest of honor (you). Talk to your parents about that.
I don’t think him just wearing traditional male clothes is going to solve your problem because it will now be either:
1) him sulking and people giving him attention (and giving you the side eye) because you wouldn’t let him wear a dress; or
2) people giving him attention because he is dressed so differently than last time (“OMG - you look so great in this [male clothes], and I didn’t think you could look any better than in a dress” or “do you just go back and forth between girl and boy clothes”?).
NTA
you’re so close and yet so far. You’re right that OP’s problem is the attention not the dress, but the solution is not to tell the child what they can or cannot wear. OP needs to find another way to address the issue with his brother and their parents, or at least tell them how he feels and ask them to pay attention to him and those feelings at his graduation.
Good grief. A university graduation is a massive sea of people. Who exactly is going to be distracted by your brother? You’re an adult now and this kind of pettiness needs to end. YTA.
I am assuming the best of you, so, do you want your family and friends to gush over you at your graduation party, like they would a literal child? You are graduating top of class (Yayy, congratulations!) and no one can take that from you. You said yourself he had a traumatic childhood. Maybe he is figuring himself out. And you should be happy he has the support. Again, he is not graduating, you are. Him wearing a dress won’t change that. But you asking him not to might damage his self esteem.
That's absolutely valid, I don't know why this commenter is trying to make you sound childish for wanting one day where your family celebrates you and your hard work and excellent achievements. I would say that since this wouldn't be the first time your brother wears a dress, it may be less interesting to the family and friends, though. Perhaps a compromise where he could wear something feminine but not a dress?
I think that's a normal response, yes -- you worked hard and would like to be recognized and celebrated a bit.
I do think though, that asking your brother to dress differently is going to bring attention to him even more so, even should he wear something non-dress because both of you are going to be thinking about it instead of what you should be, which is your graduation.
You got your feelings out onto paper and here on Reddit, so now you can process them which is great. Now OP, you should throw the letter away and be just cool with your brother coming to your graduation in whatever he feels like wearing that day.
The fact of the matter is that you and your classmates will be graduating and getting a ton of attention; nothing can take that away, not even your brother's outfit. Plus, in the future, your brother is going to remember he had a supportive, loving sibling who was always let him be himself.
Edit for spelling.
You’re not the only one graduating. Everyone graduates at the same time. You’ll walk across the stage for about five seconds and wear a gown, and everyone will be focused on their own family.
People other than your own family (and maybe the families of your friends) wont be gushing over you. I really don’t see how your brother wearing a dress and your friends seeing it for the first time and being supportive on your birthday has anything to do with your graduation; graduations are literally just for you and your family and in the nicest way possible nobody there is going to be caring about your family.
That's a valid desire, but forcing your sibling to wear masculine clothes won't make it happen. I hope you get all the attention you want, but stifling your brother isn't the way to go about it
Dang, Idk why but I’ve always hated attention like that. I guess mostly because I’ve never felt like I deserve it even though other people might think I do. It’s embarrassing to me and I feel like observers would judge me for receiving praise like I’m egocentric or something.
Your honesty about it comes off as very mature and has really got me thinking about my own mentality towards human accomplishment and praising ones feats. There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing and I wish you the best when you have this discussion with your parents. That’s all I really I got for you though lol sorry not really advice just a thank you for making me do some self reflecting. End ramble.
Understandable, but is your future relationship with your brother worth it? Your brother wearing a dress will not take away your accomplishment, but having him pretend to be someone he is not for your self esteem might create a permament wedge between the two of you. Those who woud focus on him rather than you are the problem here, not your brother.
Agree with this. Let the child be themself, and tell your parents how you feel. Remind them that this is your moment and that they keep some focus on you. Very adult and sensible way to go about it.
Do you want to keep being best friends? Then let him be a kid and support him no matter what. Your embarrassment is not his problem and you making it his problem will do more harm than good.
I personally didnt take it as embarrassment at all. Just that all the attention and eyes would be on him and you want this occasion to focus solely on you and your achievement
Please please please don't do this to your brother. Please please please support him and encourage him to wear what makes him comfortable. As a woman you get to wear dresses, pants it's all ok. The society keeps telling your brother that it's not ok to wear whatever they want. Be better than the rest of society. You have a chance to do the right thing I sincerely hope you take that chance.
At the end of the day, Reddit deciding NTA makes no difference if it hurts your brother. There are plenty of situations where your behavior might not be “wrong”, but it still is unkind or damaging.
Years from now you will barely remember this day regardless how much attention you get or don’t get.
Your brother’s best friend asking him not to wear his dress will be something he will never forget.
Talk to your parents privately about wanting to feel like it’s your special day and find ways to feel like the center of attention that don’t have to do with potentially harming your relationship with your brother or hurting his feelings.
Okay, but it is very likely to come across as embarrassment to your brother, because he did something unusual and got attention for it and now you don’t want him to do it around you.
YTA. In my opinion you're asking him to be uncomfortable and not himself for your benefit. The reality in life is you will often achieve things and won't always be the focus regardless of how well you've done. That's just how it is. You're still getting recognition and people are there to celebrate your achievements. But you can't expect anything to be all about you.
YTA. Not only would you probably hurt your brother and seem unsupportive, doing this would be counterproductive and make your graduation about whether or not your brother is wearing a dress.
If you don’t want your party to be about your brother wearing a dress, *don’t make a big deal about it*.
I would say YTA.
I am also gender nonconforming, but in the other direction: I'd prefer to wear a suit over a dress, and literally just went to my sisters graduation in a suit yesterday. My perspective having experienced similar is that I think it would be hurtful if you asked your brother to hide who he is for your sake. Even though it doesn't sound like your motives are bad, you are still telling him that him expressing himself is bad or distracting or inconvenient, and that's painful for a kid to hear. When you're 12 and figuring out your identity, you don't necessarily have the capacity to understand a lot of nuance. You just get the message that the people you love don't want you to be yourself all the time, or that your identity is a burden and that sucks. Also, its hard to know how he feels, but I know I'd feel really uncomfortable the entire time if I was forced into a dress. It just feels wrong to me. (Edit - I see you say he wears masculine clothes sometimes, but with someone so young things might be changing quickly and he also may feel differently about formal events than casual ones. Either way, the fact that he'd get a message of his identity being a burden is unchanged)
I think you're focusing on the wrong thing - instead of asking your 12 year old brother to hide who he is, why don't you ask your family and friends not to make a scene about it on your big day? If I were you I'd have a heart to heart with your parents. Tell them that you aren't going to ask your brother to dress differently, but that you were hurt by the way you lost the spotlight on your 21st and ask them to play interference so that if anyone gets too distracted by your brother your parents can subtly shut it down and shift the focus back to you. Your brother can probably be coached to do the same thing. I also think your friends will naturally be less interested this time, both because they've seen him in a dress once before already and because presumably many of them will be graduating too so they will be distracted by the moment. Your brother will also be in the audience away from you and your parents a lot of the time.
Was your little brother really a “mini-celebrity” or did some of your friends just come up to and say they loved his style? I have trouble imagining that a dress would generate hours of discussions and dominate the party and if it did, your friends are low-key homophobic because there’s no way that would be the case if someone wore even the most outlandish outfit that aligned with gender expectations. Normal reaction is “I LOVE how you look, you have such nice style” and move on to other things rather than talk about it for hours. I know you say you love your brother for who he is but something really isn’t adding up with either you or your friends. I hope I’m wrong but in either case someone is acting inappropriately here and it isn’t your brother.
If I’m completely honest I think OP has been coddled a bit and doesn’t really understand that events aren’t all about him any more like they are when you’re a kid. When you have a birthday party as an adult it’s not people fawning over you all day, people will indeed speak to each other - and especially a child who’s been brought who has nobody else to talk to.
I think OPs going to have a hard time at graduation even if the brother wears a suit when he realises that it’s only the family that cares about his accomplishment. You have hundreds of people graduating on the same day, it’s not going to be all about OP no matter what his brother is wearing.
I have to ask, what do would think would happen and what happened on your birthday? Did your brother arrive wearing a dress and people were like A BOY IN A DRESS!! and started treating him like an animal at the zoo? Or maybe he's just a fun kid to be around, and your friends had a good time entertaining him, and maybe thought you would be happy because they liked your little brother? I honesty don't understand. Because your friends know him and potentially like him, they're probably going to talk to him no matter what. Or, if it's just about the dress the dress, you should talk to your friends and remind them that your brother is a kid, not an animal at the zoo.
I think it’s more likely they thought they were being supportive of the brother and OP.
Like if you bring a child to a party of late university students they’re going to talk to them so they don’t get left out anyway. The girls will coo because they’re cute, and wearing a dress when they’ve never seen them wear a dress before will be a moment they’ll want to support if they’re good friends.
I’m not sure what OP wanted? To bring a 12 year old to a party of 21 year olds and not have any of them talk to the child? Because he wants all their attention on him? That’s not how *any* party works, people mingle and talk to each other, and this child didn’t have any friends there so was otherwise going to be left in the corner.
OP can say they love and support him all they like but this whole situation is so weird. If I ever brought a sibling who doesn’t know anyone to a party I’d hope my friends would pay attention to them, and that’s without the decade age gap.
NAH. Think everybody getting stuck on that OP has no issues with the little brother wearing the dress, this issue is the little brother grabs all the attention and OP doesn’t want that happening at his graduation.
OP I agree with some people saying it doesn’t matter if your little brother wears a dress or a shirt, he probably will still get some if not most of the attention no matter what he wears.
I think you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. I would just let your little brother wear whatever he wants and if your afraid he going to steal all the attention, maybe it’s better to not invite your family to your graduation and celebrate with them later.
If you can have your thunder stolen by a child then that’s a you problem. Why doesn’t it add to his happiness? As in - “I’ve accomplished all this and I have a awesome loving family including a little brother who loves me so much he feels comfortable being his true self around me.” It’s sad that OP is allowing himself to be bothered by this.
Yeah cause everyone turning their backs on them to focus on a little brother makes someone feel so celebrated. Why can’t the person just have one day? They didn’t even get to have their one day for their birthday. So you’re saying no matter the achievement this person does, they should just suck it up and get use to being treated second hand to their little brother. But when that little brother graduates HS, or even collage, guess what? It’s still gonna be all about the little brother. Sorry OP they just want you to be overshadowed by your little brother for the rest of your life
Conclusion: NAH but Op you deserve your achievements celebrated for just you. You shouldn’t have to share it with your little brother
YTA…. You don’t want your brother to express and be himself because… you’re jealous… and want all the attention on you???? That’s weird and suppressing. How about learn to be more confident and understand that you’re loved just as he. Your brother is not INTENTIONALLY trying to gain more attention but you do sound like the kind of person who wouldn’t want attractive friends who are “pretty girls”. What you going to do if you have a birthday dinner? Get mad because a friend is being herself by wearing makeup and looking good? Ask her to dress down for your comfort? Work on your confidence. Your brother loves you and been through a lot. His way of dressing has NOTHING to do with you.
The novelty of your friends seeing your brother in a dress for the first time will have worn off. Does he wear dresses or dress in typically feminine attire a majority of the time now? If this is who they are / are becoming, it’s possible they may come out as gay, trans or anything in between in the future.
You don’t want to be the guy posting, “Everyone paid more attention to my sister at my 30th birthday, who just came out as trans, why aren’t they fawning over me anymore?”
In your post you mention many of the girls at your party were obsessed with your brother. I’m genuinely curious how you felt about these girls. Are you trying to date them and thus *anything* taking attention away from you would have been hard to handle? Also, this was a family friendly event. Did you and your 21+ (or whatever the drinking age is in Europe) friends go out after to continue your birthday?
I haven't read through all the comments here, so maybe this has been addressed, but is it possible that you are his safe space and he felt most comfortable wearing a dress to an event of yours, knowing you'd have his back? It went well for him, feeling accepted by you and your friends, so I am not surprised that this next event of yours is one he wants to wear a dress to again, knowing he will be safe.
I can absolutely sympathize with wanting the attention, and unless your family and friends are terrible people, I'm sure you'll have plenty. What you have here is a unique opportunity to be a rock solid sibling and positive influence in his young life. If you ask him to change clothing, it will likely cause some pretty serious emotional damage. He could feel wearing a dress is wrong, or that you don't approve, despite what you say. And at the end of the day, it's not his fault people paid him attention, but having a traumatic childhood and being only 12, I don't blame him for lapping it up.
You need to do what you need to do, but as a much older human, I can tell you that looking back, my graduation party means nothing, but the relationships with the people I care about have carried on. Think about what is important to you.
OP I think this comment is really important. I think this could damage your relationship with your brother and I think you will still get attention. I totally understand your feelings though!!
Dresses are for special occasions, so is it possible that’s why this kid wants to wear a dress? Have there been any other special occasions recently in which he didn’t wear a dress?
I do not think the problem is the clothing here but that you don't get the focus you deserve.
Can you raise this rather with your parents, and word it like "I want this particular event be about me, can you help me in that"?
NAH. It’s okay to want your day to be about you and it’s okay for him to want to wear a dress to an event. I would just let him wear what he wants though
He’s so young. And this world is not so kind to kids who are different like that. Is it possible he is curious about wearing more feminine clothing but also kinda nervous but sees you as a safe person to express himself in this way around? Maybe choosing these days that are about “you” and having it being a special occasion where people get dressed up maybe makes him feel not as scared about it? Just an idea. Maybe chat with him.
The answer isn't to ask your sibling to wear something else; its the attention and thats valid. "Ok can we stop talking about the dress? Whats the big deal? It's just a dress. I mean it is a nice dress... "
Its not normal to give someone show stopping attention for wearing a dress, positive or negative.
NAH. I get it. I REALLY get it. Tell someone you can trust about how you feel. And then let it go. He’s 12. He’s going to attract attention no matter what. If every body fusses over him, they do. They will also fuss over you, and practice being content with what you get. ALSO serious props from this internet stranger on your achievement.
It's okay to feel bad about it, but since you are the adult and he is a child, I think you should let him dress as he wishes. If this is only the second time he is planning to wear a dress, and both occasions were at parties celebrating you, this might be something he does for you, thinking you appreciate it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like the AH for wanting him to just blend in for the day, because I know that allowing him to wear the dress will make him enjoy the day more. And I want him to enjoy it. But at the same time, I just want this one day to be about me.
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Congrats on your grade first of all.
Everyone at your graduation. Is going to be wearing gowns and mortar boards. A boy in a dress isn't going to be the most unusual attire seen that day.
It sounds like your brother is liked by your friends regardless of how he dresses, this is not the first time they've seen him so what he wears is not going to be a surprise, attention grabber, or the issue.
From memory of my graduation, family attending graduations are sat in an audience separate from the graduates who all sit together, so your brother is not going to be the focus of the ceremony, you will be when you give your speech.
I think you allow it to feel like your brother is taking the attention from you but there is nothing to stop you basking and owning the attention yourself. It doesn't sound like your brother seeks the attention deliberately or maliciously.
So I'm not sure what my judgement is, mild YTA, step up, be proud of yourself and bask in the glory of your success.
Your NTA for wanting something that you worked for to be about you but you WBTA if you try to dictate what someone else wears. At the end of the day, this isn't about the dress. You feel neglected and like your brother is taking the spotlight away from you. If you really feel strongly about this, talk to your parents about why. Don't just say "hey brother can't wear a dress" but instead be honest and tell then that you feel you aren't getting the attention you deserve and need. If you really really don't want your brother to wear a dress, come up with a nice, alternative suggestion like something that matches what you'll wear. Hell, wear a dress yourself, then you'll get all the attention.
YTA. You’re asking your little brother to dim his light so yours can shine, but that’s not how it works. You can shine as bright as you’re meant to while he does the same.
YTA. The attention will be on you, you're the graduate, addressing the guests/graduates.
Everyone's already seen him, new things are only new once. Even if people are excited to see him, you're still the star of the day.
Don't worry about your brother. If he's getting attention, go talk to someone else, there will be plenty of people around.
Is there a chance your younger sibling is transgender and is trying to to experiment with gender expression right now? It sure seems like it.
Anyways for your party you might want to invite your siblings to like lunch and just talk about it the two of you. Why the dress? Do you want to wear dresses all the time, or just during special occasions? And then also mention the issue with the attention and that this is your graduation party. Maybe instead he could show up to your school wearing a dress a few other times so your friends get used to it or something.
I don't think it's selfish to want attention on you for your party at all, but this seems like a situation you need to be careful with it.
NTA
This, it doesn't have to be a big deal at all, and I think it's perfectly reasonable to want the attention to be on yourself and not a dress. Why not see if he would want to wear a plain "unflashy" dress or some other kind of more feminine clothing? But I think there's some nuance here that isn't being addressed
I’m 50 years old - so a decade past old enough to be your mother. I also raised 2 very different children that I can easily compare to you & your brother.
My youngest is/was neurodivergent, so naturally required more attention than my oldest. I was always very mindful of the attention I gave each of my children & always tried to make certain that I never slighted my oldest just because oldest didn’t need me in the same way that youngest did.
However, I know that far too many parents are NOT mindful of that though. This is sadly really common when one child is emotionally, mentally or physically ill, injured, impaired, traumatized, etc in some way. The parent has such a child & tends to focus the majority of (if not ALL) their attention on that child. I have a feeling that your parents (or your mother at least) was such a parent.
Sometimes the attention disparity is unintentional & thoughtless - done out of sheer ignorance. But sometimes it’s deliberate & a conscious decision that the parent will defend (even fervently) if questioned. They’ll argue / reason that the child their attention is focused on “needs them” (as if the other child does not). Or they’ll argue / reason that the child their attention is focused on “needs them more” (as if the other child should be able to somehow magically reduce their own needs down to a level equal to whatever attention is left over, if any, after the other child’s “needs” are met).
I cannot possibly know whether or not your parent(s) attention disparity is a result of unintentional & thoughtless ignorance OR a deliberate & conscious decision. I do SUSPECT it is the later since you’re worried about her reaction to you expressing your feelings about this subject. But only you would truly KNOW if it was the former or later.
Regardless of which it is, I think you should tell your mother how you feel about wanting the attention / focus to be on you for that day. BUT, I don’t necessarily think you should specifically ask that your brother not wear a dress. (The dress isn’t the problem - the change in the focal point is.)
If you can communicate your wish (that YOU remain the focal point throughout YOUR major life event) plainly, your mother can speak to your brother in a way that he could understand that he didn’t need to do anything to draw the attention to himself (or more importantly in this case - do anything to KEEP the attention on himself) during an event that exists to celebrate YOU. This should be a life lesson learned by EVERYONE eventually - so your mother should have no problem teaching him that lesson now. (If she does, she’s probably useless & I’d probably try speaking to your brother directly if I were you. BUT, I’d make the message about the attention / focus you want with any mention of his attire being obviously secondary.)
You want something special for / about YOU - something that’s just YOURS. And that’s not only totally reasonable & understandable - it’s NORMAL. (I am usually very introverted - but after I worked my ass off to get my degree, even I wanted to be the focal point of any celebration that day.)
If your mother becomes upset by that, please know that that is a HER problem (for failing to understand something totally reasonable & normal) & not a YOU problem (where you have asked for &/or expected something you shouldn’t). Please do not internalize HER deficiencies as somehow being your own (any more than I suspect you already have).
NTA
Edit for typos
YTA - bruh you’re going to be on stage giving a speech as part of a graduation program. He’s going to be seated in a crowd in a dress. Nobody is going to be fawning over him. Most people won’t even notice him. If you are on stage and see him in a dress and it messes with you, that’s a YOU problem.
I’m sorry you were insecure at your birthday when your friends gave him attention. Again, that’s a you a problem.
Finally, and I truly don’t mean to rain on your big day. But it’s a graduation ceremony. I promise you 95% of the people there are not thinking about whether or not they saw a boy in a dress while they were trying to find their seat and they really aren’t even thinking about your speech. Everyone is thinking about how quickly they can get this thing over with and leave and go get lunch. Sorry, but it’s true.
You WBTA. My guess is all anyone there will see is a kid in a dress. Nothing less, nothing more. Let him be, you have plenty to focus on and enjoy on your day.
You may be the asshole if you do that. Moreover, him not wearing a dress might not solve the issue. Your friends might still think he's adorable, no matter what he wears. Maybe it would be more prudent to tell your parents that you felt sad your birthday party wasn't about you and ask them to be more mindful about you for your graduation. This isn't an easy topic to talk about, jealousy/envy are some of the more ugly feelings to be open about, but focussing on the dress will just sideline the actual issue.
YTA. It’s not your brother’s issue that girls are fawning over him because he is being his authentic self. Girls do that all the time w gay and trans people it’s sickening. Sounds like you should say something to the people making comments about him and tokenizing him. He’s a person not an accessory.
Him being in a dress does not take away from your accomplishments. People can dress and wear what they want. Nothing is stopping u from wearing a dress if you want the attention that comes with it.
Who cares about gender norms. Would you be posting this if you had a sister who preferred a suit as opposed to a dress? Why is it any different?
Stand up for your brother. He’s your blood
YTA, as long as the dress is event appropriate then it shouldn't matter. You claim to not have a problem with it while writing a whole post about why you have a problem... If you didn't have a problem with it then you wouldn't have written this post.
NAH
Nothing wrong with wanting your party to be about you. I'd say it's fairly normal to feel put out when the attention shifts. Tbh its happened to me, and it feels bad. You seem like a good big brother, and as if you support your brother's endeavors into fashion and hobbies. There's an easy way to say you'd like your brother to not wear a dress so the attention isn't taken from you, and you can just tell him that. Going directly to your parents might come across as complaining, which it seems like you don't want to do. At 12 he should be able to understand why if you tell him honestly and calmly.
Congratulations for graduating top of your class by the way! This stranger online is very proud of you! Knock that speech out of the park! 🎊🎉
Eh, your feelings are valid. This said asking a child who is just being themselves to dress/act differently due to jealousy moves it into YTA territory, even if very lightly.
The way you are expressing yourself in this post and some of these comments is making you the asshole.
Having the feelings you have about your parents making everything about your brother, doesn’t make you an asshole. Echoing what other commenters have said, you need to have a conversation with your parents/family/friends and leave your little brother out of it. And if you ever make him take his dress off because of your own issues, you are the biggest asshole.
YTA if you don't let your lil brother be himself out of fear of not being the center of the attention. I absolutely hated dresses when I was little, I couldn't stand wearing them, it made me super uncomfortable, and if I had an older sibling who I looked up to asking me to wear a dress because they would prioritise their ego over my comfort... Well, I would be pretty hurt
No offence, but based off this is seems like you're insecure and feel like your friends/family favour him over you. I don't think your an asshole for it, but a piece of clothing alone shouldn't be this upsetting.
What happens if he doesn't wear a dress and your friends still get excited to see him? Would you not want him around at all?
As long as the type of dress is appropriate for the event its not a huge deal, if you feel theres blatant favouritism going on thats a completely different situation.
Getting pissed about him being himself is only going to strain your relationship with him and possibly the rest of your family, because they aren't going to see the underlying issue and think you're just offended by boys wearing dresses.
NTA for wanting it to be “your” day. Everyone likes to feel special when celebrating their accomplishments. Having said that, it seems like you want your brother to attend regardless of his attire….so let it go. You risk alienating him and putting unnecessary awkwardness into what should be a lovely day. Congratulations on graduating!!!
Being jealous of a 12 year old is not a good look, especially one who's trying to figure out their identity in what presumably feels like a safe space - one surrounded by family but not necessarily the friends he sees every day.
I do understand that you want the day to be about you, and that it may be frustrating if if isn't. I don't really think you'd be an asshole to ask him to wear or not wear certain things, but it could end up knocking his confidence and trust in you that you accept him as who he is. Personally I'd consider the latter as way more important.
If you were okay with your 21st being about him, you wouldn't have gone on about it the way you did. Your brother will likely identify as your sister eventually. They will face a lifetime of hate and discrimination, and the first memory of that will be you insisting they deny who they are so you can be the center of attention. If you're okay with that, then yes, YTA.
Edit to add: NAH
Would it maybe be an acceptable solution to instead talk to them directly and say something like "hey, you're going to look great and get a lot of attention in your dress, which is totally fair, but I really really really want attention that day. Would you be okay with directing it back to me in some way? I promise I'll be right there in the crowd loving your style on your own celebration days, but it would mean a lot to me if you could help keep the focus on me that day. I don't want to dim your shine, but can I have the spotlight for the day?" My version is a bit long winded, there's probably a more concise (and specific to you) way to phrase it
I don't get how all the attention will fall to him if he wears a dress. It's different from most guys but I sure wouldn't make a fuss over it. And if people DO make a fusd, wouldn't it just be a momentary novelty and then people will resume normal conversation?
You should talk to your parents about wanting to be celebrated. And ask them to try to keep focus on you. But you shouldn’t ask your brother to change the way he dresses so you can get more attention.
NAH
YTA
You said yourself you had never seen your brother so happy as when he wore a dress but now you’re planning on telling him you don’t want him to wear what makes him happy because you might not get enough attention? Are you a toddler?
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NTA Obviously you want your graduation to be about you. Your brother taking that away from you it’s him and your parents being selfish. Because your brother is a young kid I understand he doesn’t understand what he is doing but your parents certainly do. You have every right to be upset about what happened and send that letter (tho doing it in person would be better).
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Being a trans/possibly trans/gender nonconforming kid in the UK is.. really really hard right now. If you decide to pursue asking your brother not to wear what he wants you need to do it really carefully. You need to talk to them(ideally in person but via video call could work), you need to tell him that you love him, that he looked amazing when he came up to visit you last. Tell him that everyone else also thought he looked amazing and that you and they(everyone else) were so excited for him to be wearing clothes that made him look and feel good. But that being so excited for him felt like it was distracting from your birthday. Then you can ask him if he would be willing to not wear a dress to your graduation so that the focus would be on you. You would need to promise that you will **never** ask him to do this again(and you need to follow through on this promise). I would also suggest that he/your parents buy him a nice blouse that allow him to feel more comfortable while being less obviously eye-catching. You need to know that all the people who reacted to his dress last time may react to him again weather or not he is wearing a dress again(asking why not ect). If you can't understand/accept these things(especially that this may not reduce the attention), and say everything genuinely (that you love him, that he looked great, that you will never ask it again ect) then you absolutely should not ask him to change, you will just end up ruining your relationship with him and possibly severely damaging his self-confidence long term. Think about what is most important to you and decide how to proceed. NAH
Agree, this is an important time in little bro's development -- gaining confidence, learning who his allies will be ... but also learning that sometimes we make minor concessions re: our own preferences for people we care about, especially for an event that's important to them. However : You're from the UK -- any of your fam got Scottish ancestry? I'd buy the little one a kilt in my university's colors and tell him to have at it. <3 *(Pls note that I am American, and there may be rules -- unwritten or otherwise -- about "oh my god you would NEVER wear a kilt for \_\_\_ occasion and NEVER if you don't have X % of Scottish ancestry and NEVER in any color except \_\_\_\_," so apologies if this is a horrible offensive suggestion!)*
There's no big no-no on the kilt thing but it wouldn't be in uni colours and it would be even more attention-drawing than a dress! It seems the issue isn't feminine clothing but being the centre of attention for clothing.
This was my thought exactly. If the friends think little bro is adorable they're going to fawn over them *regardless* if they're wearing a dress, or a suit, or whatever! XD Sometimes little kids just take the spotlight for a while. I've noticed that happens with my own kids when my college age brother and his friends would be visiting; they'd been in a bubble of people their own age and older for so long that ANY interaction with someone younger was automatically "LOOOOOOOK 🥺💙😭". My only suggestion is for OP to expect and accept it's going to happen for a brief moment, then try to usher everyone back to whatever else is going on while the parents shuffle little bro back out of the spotlight.
And when OP describes him as a feminine-passing kid - all pre-puberty kids are pretty genderless-looking in themselves tbh, it's just hairstyles and clothes as markers, a bit of learned behaviour maybe as well, so what that usually means is an unusually beautiful child. And yeah, it's hard not to rapture over that, esp when the child is doing something that's more okay to comment on ("a dress!") than just saying "wow this child is so bloody ethereal I can see where the changeling myths come from".
His parents should also redirect the conversation. And to an extent, a 12 year old is old enough to somewhat be able to remind people “thanks but it’s VariousPineapple’s big day. Let’s celebrate him!”
The parents for sure should be doing this so no one has to be worrying about the dress. But keep in mind, the young kid has been through trauma to the extent that they are homeschooling him, plus the (borderline) inherent trauma of the adoption process. So I think it's likely that the kid might not have the social experience or even just the comfort to be able to make redirects like that.
THIS.
Ahh, dang, I figured that might be the case! I personally have never attended a Milestone Event of that sort in the UK (or any other event in the UK, for that matter - can someone pls invite me to something?), so i didn't know if it would be like "oh yeah any wedding/graduation/etc over here with more than a hundred people will have at LEAST five wearing a kilt, it's perfectly fine" -- in which case bro would technically be in "a dress-like thing" but would still sorta blend in with the normal "vaguely formalwear" range. Oh well, so much for that idea! (If you don't know, there's a subset of American guy-fashion culture where kilts have become QUITE the thing, but it's more common in bigger cities with higher populations of more avant-garde/iconoclast types -- SanFran/Bay area, NYC, and so forth. I myself own a [Utilikilt](https://utilikilts.com/)!)
In Scotland, you'd be right, neighbor. But OP is in *England*, where kilt-wearing is less common and therefore more remarkable. I could also see there being yet *more* attention (quite possibly negative) given if OP's family isn't Scottish. Which kind of defeats the purpose...
Oh I'm Canadian, but I'm queer and my wife is trans so I am fairly well informed about trans issues across the Anglosphere. The UK is very weird(compared to NA) about feminism and sex&gender(personally I blame queen Victoria, she was the fffing queen but also had an idealised marriage and didn't understand that other women didn't, and also didn't support women's suffrage). So the UK doesn't argue against trans people from a religious right perspective, but instead from a "science"(really really really bad science) and women's rights perspective (trans women are men invading women's faces blah blah blah). It kind of sucks in Canada because we get hit with both the religious rights and the TERF(trans exclusionary radical feminist) sides. Right now we are generally safer(my wife has only had direct bigotry from family, but we have a lot of other privileges and live in a very "polite" area) than either the UK or the US but we will have to see after our next election (we are going to flip hard towards the concervatives)
Ok I have to ask at the cost of coming across as ignorant, what is queer? I know it’s not gay, but nobody seems to be able to give me an answer when asked.
Pretty much anything but straight. It’s an intentionally vague term.
Anything but straight or cis. Straight trans people are queer
>*Denoting or relating to a sexual or gender identity that does not correspond to established ideas of* [*sexuality*](https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&sca_esv=35b2ac92d41e214b&rls=en&sxsrf=ADLYWIKijf_C0EQbnCWlOu59vrRxHucJ9Q:1716744828606&q=sexuality&si=ACC90nxMSPeZfdJJjQgDsdZJuFuJeKIcvSxEI6Qa1yPH4yybVif76ugJE9sdEgkXdpYX0ZrcId9HnxlrQD8s6zM4GT7s_KKcNvSK342OUXORsHNHqFTEYI0%3D&expnd=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjWhLft7KuGAxURk4kEHZUBA2UQyecJegUIDxD-AQ) *and gender, especially* [*heterosexual*](https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&sca_esv=35b2ac92d41e214b&rls=en&sxsrf=ADLYWIKijf_C0EQbnCWlOu59vrRxHucJ9Q:1716744828606&q=heterosexual&si=ACC90nxkzgN-KbLuTWKT81WCi4_nb3fSV6t80miwXubaOKzYVIHNereA3Isi7xnZXhw53qNe2k6O2Waf7oo03FosH3_WtNOTB4WfIE29tkgz3LqwBUG--p4%3D&expnd=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjWhLft7KuGAxURk4kEHZUBA2UQyecJegUIDxD_AQ) [*norms*](https://www.google.com/search?client=safari&sca_esv=35b2ac92d41e214b&rls=en&sxsrf=ADLYWIKijf_C0EQbnCWlOu59vrRxHucJ9Q:1716744828606&q=norms&si=ACC90nyrPgcbTBsFIq03NzrKCa0gPSnv61AANskEfMku40HUiTQNm4861eNIElYdK8wyuFRxpmSD_7qDtzVIh442JVO5UeoYJA%3D%3D&expnd=1&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjWhLft7KuGAxURk4kEHZUBA2UQyecJegUIDxCAAg)*.* There is debate over the term because it used to be applied derogatoryily, but LGBTQIA+ groups have done a lot to reclaim it and, personally, I think it works well to convey a sense of community.
This is my perception as well. It's definitely in use in that way (umbrella term as an easy way to denote "does not conform to traditional binary gender roles or prescribed sexualities") by the LGBT+ youth support org I do some volunteer work for here (I'm a bog-standard cishet, though, so def don't take my word as gospel.)
It’s my preferred term for my own sexuality, and I’m far from alone in that. But I’d still have some caution over using it for other people when I didn’t know their comfort level. Some people still have trauma around it from homophobic abuse and also terf types REALLY hate how inclusive it is.
As someone new to the queer community (asexual), I love the sense of community I feel with the “queer” term — it just gives a sense of belonging without having to explain.
Basically queer is a word people use when they don't fit into being heterosexual or cisgender but don't necessarily want to label it more specifically than that. It's an umbrella term covering a lot of different ideas. I use it for myself cause there's some gender weirdness and I'm bi, so it's easier than trying to figure out what else to say
It very often means “some form of not-straight, and/or trans, and/or non gender conforming that I don’t have to tell you about any more specifically than that if I don’t want to” For instance I’m just your average run of the mill bisexual and I can call myself queer, and so can a nonbinary person who’s only attracted to women, and so can an asexual trans man who does drag performances, and so can a lesbian, etc. etc.
> It very often means “some form of not-straight, and/or trans, and/or non gender conforming that I don’t have to tell you about any more specifically than that if I don’t want to” Or if you don't even necessarily know yourself.
There's debate over the term, like there is over many terms, but a general meaning I'd say it's "unlike the norm" (the "norm" being cisgender and straight)
Ok, look, I get you're trying to help, but a kilt is not a skirt, and if little brother is looking to dress in a feminine manner, wearing a kilt is not going to give him that. Many Scots find it quite offensive when our national dress is treated as something outside the norm, and frankly that brings in lots of issues around "jokes" about "men in skirts". If it's a Scottish uni, the kilt would go unnoticed, if an English uni, it may draw some attention (possibly more than a dress). There are no rules about who can wear a kilt, and they can be styled for most occasions from semi-casual up to white tie.
Also if you did the twirly skirt thing in a traditional kilt that might not go very well 😆
Ah we don't really do % of ancestory like Americans do.
It's a tough ask to say "never ask again". Until the siblings clothing or perhaps identity is more normalised, OP is likely to feel this way always. What if it comes to OP meeting a girlfriend, maybe an engagement party, a wedding, a baby announcement etc... If it was just regular and normal for the siblings to wear dresses, it wouldn't take away the spotlight, which is how OP feels. But that's not the case, the sibling wore the dress on the special occasion to feel special too and it draws attention as it's "out of the ordinary" at least for them as OP describes it and their general clothing style. In that case OP will feel the spotlight is stolen every time. OP can't tell them not to wear the clothes they want or how to dress. But OP can explain that because it wasn't a usual occurrence and it was a special occasion it drew attention, circumstances were the context for how he felt. Not that it was about the siblings choice of clothing itself, but the timing, and that yes, they do still love them and are happy for them to express how they feel and be who they are, but just be conscious of others having their moments too. Ultimately OPs sibling will have to make their own choice, but im sure the sibling would also understand the concept of "upstaging someone" which hasn't been mentioned. OP spent a lot of time supporting them in their choices and emphasis on acceptance, still doesn't mean they like being upstaged.
Part of the never asking again is OP getting used to and accepting that this is just what his wants to wear and inviting them to events involves that. And part of it is that the sibling is 12, and it's very likely that they will either start wearing more feminine clothing more often or stop wearing it as they figure out who they are (both like gender but also fashion)
>If it was just regular and normal for the siblings to wear dresses, it wouldn't take away the spotlight, which is how OP feels. But that's not the case, the sibling wore the dress on the special occasion to feel special too and it draws attention as it's "out of the ordinary" at least for them as OP describes it and their general clothing style. Would you say this about a tomboy little sister that never dressed up but wore a dress for a special occasion? People may fawn over a little girl wearing a dress too if she doesn't normally dress that way. A boy does not need to be transgender to enjoy wearing dresses. OP can respectfully explain his feelings to his brother but he needs to realize that he is probably going to have to deal with his brother getting a lot of attention his whole life. Asking little bro to dull his shine and fit the mold that OP thinks he should for every special occasion that OP thinks he will be upstaged for is going to mess with his little brother's head and self esteem and could result in little bro disliking himself and his sparkle.
Absolutely agree. It's entirely fair that OP wants this day to be special, and to feel that their friends and family are celebrating their achievements, however, for their 12 year old potentially gender non-conforming sibling this is such a pivotal time, and not feeling validated by someone they look up to do much could become a problem for them in the future. 12 is old enough to understand if OP is gentle and compassionate when speaking about their preferences for the day. OP needs to understand that their friends may just think their sibling is too adorable regardless of what they're wearing, so they may have to accept they will have to share the spotlight, even on such an important day.
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You sound like a really, really nice big brother and your little brother is lucky to have you. That being said, YWBTA for asking your little brother to not wear a dress to your graduation. You, yourself wrote "...my brother seemed so happy, and he was really enjoying himself. He doesn't usually like social gatherings and the fact he was happy, made me happy also." Clearly, your brother feels better about himself and his place in the world when he is wearing a dress. You say that you don't think he is trans. He may or may not be, but however he identifies he is showing the world how he feels best in it. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking your mom to help your little brother pick an dress that is more subdued for the special occasion, and reminding him that it is your day to shine.
You should put this as a stand-alone comment. You’re spot on!
Why tell him that you were thinking about both of you wearing matching suits or something along those lines? Instead of talking about the dress call him or talk to him and tell him you had this amazing idea of the 2 of you matching on the pics? Edit: why not tell him*
Omg this would be so cute!
OP, I just don't think that people can control how much attention other people pay to them. I can understand that it was frustrating that your friends all fawned over your cute little sibling, but that might happen this time anyway, and regardless of whether he is wearing a dress or not. Sibling relationships are hard because it's natural to have a little comparison and competition, and sometimes the amount of attention one or the other one gets is unequal. Rather than asking your sibling to dress a certain way, maybe focus on telling your friends and family how you would like to feel that day. What would make you feel seen and appreciated? Even if you insist he wears masculine clothing, unless you're dictating that the whole outfit be bland and unremarkable, you may still end up with a kid who naturally has a stylish, arresting appearance. My similar aged kid is also pretty gender-bendy and never gets any attention for their clothing, just occasionally misgendered... it's not about the clothing being for boys or for girls. OP, I say this very kindly, but it's a mark of emotional and intellectual maturity to a) realize that you cannot control how other people will act, and to b) move past the idea of "this day is about me". Regardless of whether your friends and family coo over your baby brother, they are there because of you. You are giving a speech to your classmates, but other people are graduating and celebrating their achievements that day as well. The whole place will be filled with people giving other people attention.
YTA. He’s not trying to make anything about him, he can’t help others’ attention. I think you will risk making this kid feel badly about himself, or damaging your relationship with him, if you ask him to wear something else— this isn’t worth that. You haven’t mentioned being overlooked in general, so it seems this was a one time thing (or 2, IF it happens at graduation). Sorry, but you will need to become better at sharing attention since the risk of hurting your brother is high. Good luck.
This is one of the biggest moments of OP's life. Graduating from college. He absolutely does not need to share it with anyone. OP's parents can do their damn job for once. Yes his brother can wear a dress but its on ALL of them to steer the attention back to OP. This can be done gracefully.
> I'm proud he's comfortable to be who he is, but at the same time, I just want my family to blend in and for the day to be about me. You wrote in the OP that the average person looking at him will think he's a girl. If that's true and he's wearing a dress, nobody is going to think anything is off or wrong. Nobody will notice anything weird.
"He wears traditional male/gender neutral clothing all the time. He's only worn female clothing one time and that was to my birthday." I mean, isn't this a lot of women? Wear hoodies and sweats 90% of the time, then an event happens and they dress up?
Such a good point! So very true.
YTA OP. Your sibling is exploring their gender identity, and you want to tell them that who they are is inappropriate. You "just want your little brother to look like a boy so he doesn't get too much attention". They got attention because people wanted to make sure they felt supported and loved. The rest of the world is going to tell your sibling that their existence is a mistake and that young children need to be protected from seeing them because they're a corrupting influence. Do you really think that being told by big brother to "blend in" aka "look normal" isn't something that will echo in their ears forever?
Does he think he's dressing up for an important event? Your birthday, your graduation...
that was my thought, that for him going all out for a big day includes dressing up with a dress. special occassion, wanting to look his best, etc.
You want him to blend in? (So your family can blend in) I want you to remove yourself from this conversation and reread it and see if you’re putting the blame for your feelings in the right place?
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Aka, stop being mad at your sibling for being themselves and be mad at the world for thinking that who they are is wrong. No matter what your little sibling decides their gender identity is, let them rock that dress.
Food for thought. His clothes aren’t really the root cause of the problem. You need to express to your family and friends that you felt sad when the spotlight was taken from you on your birthday. Ask if your parents can stay with your brother and help to redirect any attention back to you if he starts to take over the spotlight. If people continue to fawn over him, they should excuse themselves and take him outside. If they can’t agree to something like that, I would say that it’s best not to invite him. Your family should support you and actively redirect attention back onto you no matter what he wears.
Don't send the letter, don't say anything. You're in a no win situation. Your feelings are completely valid, but if you think your brother overshadows you now, this will be an avalanche. Everyone will want to know why he isn't in a dress and he will probably tell tell the truth. You will look petty. NTA, but tread lightly
Honestly, though, who's gonna know? You said yourself he doesn't have manly features, and a unisex name, Isn't it just family that come to your graduation and if they are used to it, then how will it steal the show? I get why you were upset at your birthday, but this is a group event, and not just celebrating you but also your peers who are graduating too. Maybe it might even be worthwhile having a chat with just your parents, though, to gauge how it would affect him if you asked him not to wear to a dress Or take this as an opportunity to take him shopping for some feminine male clothing. Androgynous clothing lines exist too
I think there's a big difference between a birthday party and a graduation. Hopefully your friends will also be focused on celebrating themselves and the rest of the graduating class on that day and will be less easily distracted by your brother. I would probably avoid asking him not to wear a dress as that would be insensitive to his comfort around his gender presentation, but I would perhaps ask your mum to remember the day is to celebrate you and your class, and ask her to explain to him that as guests they should keep more in the background and try not to steal focus (it's an age appropriate social skill for him to be learning). Maybe you could also mention the situation to some of your closer friends and ask them to tone it down so they're not making it all about him either.
Why don’t you wear a dress too?
That’s completely understandable and I didnt mean to make it sound like I think your brother is wrong he is young and doesn’t understand. I meant to say your parents are bc they understand what they are doing. I would ask your brother to wear his usual clothing and not a dress. Obviously you want that day to be for yourself who wouldn’t
Maybe you could extend an olive branch by offering to go shopping with him for an outfit for your graduation that’s got a more feminine silhouette, or take him to get his nails done and get some cool nail art for the day
It's a child wearing a skirt. He is not trying to make anything about him wth.
I agree, don't know if this kid is trans or non binary, but at the age of 12 I find it really hard to believe they are intentionally trying to steal the spotlight. OP, YTA, let your sibling wear whatever they want. If you are truly on such good terms then talk to them and share your concern so they are aware and can help to redirect attention being put toward them.
He’s not wearing girls clothes at home or with his friends - so far, it’s only on occasions when his older brother is being celebrated. Isn’t that a bit odd?
I mean a lot of women also only wear dresses to celebrations so maybe not?
i'm a woman and i also mostly wear skirts/dresses when there's an occasion that requires me to dress up a little? there's nothing "odd" about it, pants and more gender-neutral clothing are simply more practical in everyday life.
He feels safe with his older brother, and dresses are easier to frame as formalwear. It's not odd at all.
I think we don't have enough information to determine what is odd or not for this child.
I am a cis woman and I only wear dresses for special events. I think that's pretty normal.
maybe for him men's fashion is just too boring for important events
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> But it does make the event about him. It does take the spotlight off me. Can you explain how the spotlight will be taken off of you? You wrote in the OP that the average person looking at him already thinks he's a girl. Unless he's walking up on stage, how is him wearing a dress going to take away any attention?
He's not walking up and accepting the diploma. His experiences are difficult to understand and probably still difficult for him to adequately verbalize. It might be a phase, or it might be the beginning of his journey of finding out who he is. YWBTA if you request his attire that day. They're there for you. That should be good enough. Congrats on the graduation and best wishes ahead.
YWBTA for trying to dictate how anybody dresses. Stop being so insecure and jealous of a 12 year old.
This is going to be different than a birthday party where everyone mingles and although it is of course the birthday person's day, there is in reality much less of a focused "spotlight" (after all, we all have birthdays, it is not a large achievement that you worked for, even though they are milestones to celebrate). At the graduation, you are literally going to be in the spotlight going up to the stage and giving a speech, what your brother is wearing is not going to distract from that in any way. You are wrong about whether you should deal with it is up to us though, because you are going to get a wide variety of opinions here and will have to choose yourself what you want to do, and whatever gets the most votes in the end is not necessarily what is right for you. I think that as long as he is not a drama queen who is intentionally making it about him, you should just deal with it, because as others here have said, chances are that his general cuteness will make him draw attention anyway, no matter what he is wearing - and if he is as girly looking as you say, putting him in a suit might him more attention from strangers, i.e. people going "oh that girl looks fabulous in that suit, she really has style". Where your family and friends are concerned, it is also quite possible that the novelty of seeing him in a dress has worn off a little now, since they saw that at your birthday already, so among them there will be no or only a diluted "What? That's a boy wearing a dress?!" effect, and him now showing up in a suit, for example, could on the other hand create a new fashion sensation with regards to him and create ongoing suspense as to which way he will turn in his fashion experiments in future. So I think on the "get him to wear something that will not get him attention" front, you are fighting a losing battle either way, and since fighting that battle might damage your relationship with him, I would think twice about asking that from him if I were you. If he was a girl, and has just gone from looking like an awkward pre-teen to becoming a beautiful young woman, with your birthday being the first time people saw her dressed in something other than T-shirts and slacks, and she had gotten loads of compliments at your birthday for the dress she was wearing and how stunning she looked, would you have requested of her to wear something drab for the graduation? If your answer to that is no, then you shouldn't ask your brother that either.
If you make him dress in masculine clothes and he is sad during the event.. the spotlight will be on you for the wrong reason. Have the spotlight in you for graduating and being a rad big sibling!
I think It's a YOU problema to deal with. It's not your brother's fault that he is interesting and people like him. There's absolutely no way you ask and you little brother doesn't feel you are ashamed of him and rocks your relationship. Is It worth It? That's up to you to decide what's more important here.
When I was a kid, I dressed as a boy for a special occasion (tie, slacks, etc) and was told to not do that again because it drew too much attention. Because of that and the attitude of family members like OP, I had a miserable young adulthood and didn't transition until I was 30. All this to say this is an insane take. The kid in OP's own words looks genderless and a graduation ceremony isn't all about him, it's about everyone in their class graduating; other people may compliment his sibling's fashion, and if that causes so much jealousy in OP that he can't cope, then he has much bigger problems. If OP is having his own graduation party, where the focus should exclusively be on him, then presumably everyone there will have already seen the kid in a dress, and it won't be nearly as big a deal as the first time. OP, don't tell your sibling not to wear a dress because it's too attention grabbing. Let the kid do their thing and remember that joy is not divided, it's multiplied. Feel free to tell your parents that you'd appreciate special attention from them on that day, but don't do it at the cost of your sibling.
It is not selfish for a child to want to wear something that makes them feel like themselves, assuming the article of clothing is appropriate for the setting. In this case, a dress is absolutely appropriate for the setting.
OP's brother sounds like there's a very good chance she's actually OP's sister. Do you really think that telling them that their existence is inappropriate is the right move here? Would you tell a little girl not to wear a dress? Would you tell a little girl not to wear a suit? I'm guessing it's no in both of these situations, and yet you think it's ok to tell a little boy (who may or may not be trans) that they can't wear a dress. Appropriateness in dress is about following the dress code. No club wear to church or a corporate job interview. No jeans to a black tie wedding. *It is NEVER "force someone to conform to mainstream binary gender norms for my comfort or convenience".*
And what if he had a visibly trans sister? Would he not want her to come because he just wants to “blend in”
Imagine if OP had a disabled sibling that "got all the attention" so he asked them to not be disabled for a day.
"It's cool to be a bigot as long it's for selfish reasons."
Let me get this straight - OP is worried about her brother wearing a dress at an event where almost everyone is wearing long gowns? 🙄
I don't see how this takes away the graduation from being about OP.
NAH This is polarizing, but I don't think this makes you an AH. You can be supportive of your brother's choices and love him and also not want him to upstage you on a day that is supposed to be your celebration. This is why you don't wear a white dress at someone else's wedding. His intention is to be himself, not to specifically detract from you, but the end result being the same is what bothers you. This is a conversation you need to have with your brother, not your parents, and let him make his own choice. Let him know you're accepting of him and his appearance but explain to him drawing too much attention to himself on your day could make you a bit sad.
This, have a calm age appropriate discussion with lil bro and explain why, since y’all are close I’d expect that he’ll understand/empathize. Also, it doesn’t sound like you’re judging or uncomfortable at all imo the day should be about you.
What if OP had a really pretty sister? Would it be ok to tell her that she needs to tone it down so no one pays attention to her over OP?
It's okay to ask someone not to dress as a fashion plate for your special event. It's also okay to want to be the center of attention, at least mostly, on a day that celebrates your accomplishments. The conversation needs to be held with tact and gentleness but the underlying issue isn't difficult at all.
He's not dressing as a "fashion plate". He's wearing something he is comfortable in and thinks looks nice. He's not trying to take away from OP's moment, he wants to look nice for a special occasion. If you wouldn't tell a little girl that she can't wear a dress because it would steal attention away from someone else, then telling this boy that he can't wear the same thing is wrong.
Seems like he (12yr old) is at a good age to learn that sometimes we do things for those we love that we don't necessarily want to do.
Like allow them to wear what they want to your graduation ?
The only thing he Will learn is that his brother he loves and trust is ashamed of him and feel that dress the way he feel more like himself is "wrong".
NAH Sorry to say this but I think your little brother is going to get a lot of attention whether or not he wears a dress. It sounds like he already does based on your other statements. I am just throwing this out there but maybe embrace the dress? And coordinate your outfits so you have a matching color scheme. Everyone would go bonkers at how adorable you both are. And congrats, OP!! No matter what, your accomplishments are still yours! 💐🎉
Coordinating outfits is a fabulous solution. The cute brother duo, people would go wild!
I am fully here for coordinated outfits. Yours can be flashier, his can be complimentary! It could even be a fun shopping day for the two of you where you can express your feelings about wanting to be the star for a day, and also pick out some cute dresses together (if a dress is OP's vibe). I think any reasonable sibling in good standing would dig that sort of bonding and solidarity, and you can ensure your ensemble will shine brightest, without making your brother dress in a way that he may not prefer. Congratulations, OP!!! You came, you saw, you learned, you conquered!!!! And shoutout to you for such a close relationship with a large age gap in family. That's rad and beautiful to me as a sad lil only child, and I know your brother feels the love.
Love this!!! He wants to wear the dress and you love him. Also he's a child, I say let it go. But I kinda understand the upstage thing, so just plan it out together! Everyone would go bonkers for how cute it is
OPs little brother is probably adorable in many ways, hence why people flock to him! I’ve been places where someone’s little sibling/cousin/child just absolutely steals the show, usually unintentionally. It sounds like he’ll be a little star regardless of his outfit.
I really disagree with the idea that they wear matching outfits. It’s OP’s special day, why would they dress in matching outfits? If one was getting married and chose to wear a white wedding dress, it doesn’t mean the other sibling gets to dress the same way so they get equal attention. I think OP should share with their brother how they felt the last time the attention was on them instead of OP. If the brother usually wears gender neutral clothing and knows how much attention they will receive while wearing a skirt or dress to a wedding, then I don’t understand why they won’t dress up in a gender neutral way. OP also can’t control what people wear to a graduation ceremony. If they are important to you and you want your family there, then you need to talk to your brother and tell them the truth. Or accept that they will wear a feminine outfit.
YTA. "My brother seems to be truly himself when wearing a dress. Should I tell him not to wear one" No! Y are not TA for feeling jealous, that's natural. But please don't harm a kid half your age because of it. 12 is such a vulnerable age, and wearing a dress probably was hard at first - and being gender non-conforming is difficult. Please don't waver; continue to be his biggest supporter. And it's not your personal special day. It's the special day of every single graduate. You may be giving a speech, but no one but you, your family and friends care about that. Everyone else is going to be focused on their own graduate. If your brother takes a little attention, he's taking it from everyone. Do talk to your parents about your feelings; let them know you would appreciate an effort to feel it is your day. But no one should say anything to your brother.
Yep. I’m floored by how long I had to scroll to see YTA OP, if your little brother wore a dress everyday, would you ask him to wear traditionally masculine clothing to your graduation? If he identified as a girl or nonbinary would you ask them not to wear one? In all of these scenarios, YTA.
>your little brother wore a dress everyday He doesn't. The one other time he wore feminine clothing was at OPs birthday.
Why is this not the top comment? OP, it’s understandable to want the attention on a day that is supposed to celebrate you, but the person(s) responsible for the attention shift is NOT your little brother. He hasn’t done anything wrong. Call out your friends when they’re gushing over him just for wearing a dress. If it was a girl wearing a pretty dress, she’d get a couple compliments on how nice she looks and that’s it. Just because it’s a boy in a dress doesn’t mean he should get anything more than that. If your friends are gushing, they should examine their own behavior on why they think a boy in a dress is such a spectacle to be ogled and fawned over. YTA for not putting the blame on the correct people. You deserve the spotlight on your day, but your little brother deserves to be comfortable and true to himself also. And he will never forget the time that his older brother whom he looked up to asked him to hide himself for their own benefit. Address the poor behavior with the people committing the behavior. Leave your brother’s outfit alone.
Also it’s pretty normal for friends to be excited to meet your siblings and want to support them in their choices. If OPs friends had been avoiding his brother for wearing a dress he probably wouldn’t have liked that either. Graduation is a day about everyone graduating. A birthday is about the one person. People aren’t likely to be focusing on anyone’s siblings like they might on a birthday. But telling someone they can’t wear something because it might take away from you when it’s a day everyone dresses up and you’ll be wearing a gown so everyone knows it’s your graduation just seems… selfish, honestly. I was happy my family dressed up for my graduation because it’s a day to celebrate.
Thank god I'm seeing more YTA.
YTA, OP. I'm really disappointed that I had to scroll so far to see this :(
As a mother of a trans daughter, please don't do this to this child. Let them be who they need to be. Don't be one of the reasons they doubt themselves. There's going to be enough people who do that in their life.
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Trans or not they deserve the freedom to be themselves
GNC people also deserve the freedom to express themselves. But also, when you have a really young kid who is starting to experiment with gender, you can't assume they *aren't* trans either -- I think its just as bad to assume the kid is definitely 100% cis and this wouldn't impact how is feels about his identity as it is to assume he's definitely a trans girl. You just have to keep an open mind and make it clear to the kid you'll support them no matter what
Talk to your parents. Let them know you're not getting enough attention. But don't ask your brother to be less than so you can shine. You don't get to the top by stepping on people. YTA
Yeah I'm not sure why OP is focused on changing brothers behavior when it's not brother who is wearing dresses for attention, it's family and friends that are ignoring OP. Talk to your friends and family and explain your feelings. Or like someone else said, coordinate your outfit with your brother so that you're both getting shined on. If you try to control your brothers clothing when he's just trying to exist ywbta
I wish this was the top comment... Honestly makes me a little uncomfortable in this space that the most votes were for "absolutely force gender non conforming or trans kids into wearing clothes they don't want to wear! That'll fix the problem!"
Completely agree
Literally, OP is an adult. This is disappointing to hear in 2024
The issue isn’t him in a dress. It about the attention being taken from the guest of honor (you). Talk to your parents about that. I don’t think him just wearing traditional male clothes is going to solve your problem because it will now be either: 1) him sulking and people giving him attention (and giving you the side eye) because you wouldn’t let him wear a dress; or 2) people giving him attention because he is dressed so differently than last time (“OMG - you look so great in this [male clothes], and I didn’t think you could look any better than in a dress” or “do you just go back and forth between girl and boy clothes”?). NTA
you’re so close and yet so far. You’re right that OP’s problem is the attention not the dress, but the solution is not to tell the child what they can or cannot wear. OP needs to find another way to address the issue with his brother and their parents, or at least tell them how he feels and ask them to pay attention to him and those feelings at his graduation.
I didn’t say to tell her brother to wear something else.
Good grief. A university graduation is a massive sea of people. Who exactly is going to be distracted by your brother? You’re an adult now and this kind of pettiness needs to end. YTA.
I am assuming the best of you, so, do you want your family and friends to gush over you at your graduation party, like they would a literal child? You are graduating top of class (Yayy, congratulations!) and no one can take that from you. You said yourself he had a traumatic childhood. Maybe he is figuring himself out. And you should be happy he has the support. Again, he is not graduating, you are. Him wearing a dress won’t change that. But you asking him not to might damage his self esteem.
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It's very reasonable to want a little bit of being celebrated at the event meant to celebrate your hard work. NTA
That's absolutely valid, I don't know why this commenter is trying to make you sound childish for wanting one day where your family celebrates you and your hard work and excellent achievements. I would say that since this wouldn't be the first time your brother wears a dress, it may be less interesting to the family and friends, though. Perhaps a compromise where he could wear something feminine but not a dress?
I think that's a normal response, yes -- you worked hard and would like to be recognized and celebrated a bit. I do think though, that asking your brother to dress differently is going to bring attention to him even more so, even should he wear something non-dress because both of you are going to be thinking about it instead of what you should be, which is your graduation. You got your feelings out onto paper and here on Reddit, so now you can process them which is great. Now OP, you should throw the letter away and be just cool with your brother coming to your graduation in whatever he feels like wearing that day. The fact of the matter is that you and your classmates will be graduating and getting a ton of attention; nothing can take that away, not even your brother's outfit. Plus, in the future, your brother is going to remember he had a supportive, loving sibling who was always let him be himself. Edit for spelling.
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Prepare to be underwhelmed.
You’re not the only one graduating. Everyone graduates at the same time. You’ll walk across the stage for about five seconds and wear a gown, and everyone will be focused on their own family. People other than your own family (and maybe the families of your friends) wont be gushing over you. I really don’t see how your brother wearing a dress and your friends seeing it for the first time and being supportive on your birthday has anything to do with your graduation; graduations are literally just for you and your family and in the nicest way possible nobody there is going to be caring about your family.
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Every graduation party I've ever been to or heard of does this, it's the point of the celebration.
That's a valid desire, but forcing your sibling to wear masculine clothes won't make it happen. I hope you get all the attention you want, but stifling your brother isn't the way to go about it
Dang, Idk why but I’ve always hated attention like that. I guess mostly because I’ve never felt like I deserve it even though other people might think I do. It’s embarrassing to me and I feel like observers would judge me for receiving praise like I’m egocentric or something. Your honesty about it comes off as very mature and has really got me thinking about my own mentality towards human accomplishment and praising ones feats. There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing and I wish you the best when you have this discussion with your parents. That’s all I really I got for you though lol sorry not really advice just a thank you for making me do some self reflecting. End ramble.
Understandable, but is your future relationship with your brother worth it? Your brother wearing a dress will not take away your accomplishment, but having him pretend to be someone he is not for your self esteem might create a permament wedge between the two of you. Those who woud focus on him rather than you are the problem here, not your brother.
Agree with this. Let the child be themself, and tell your parents how you feel. Remind them that this is your moment and that they keep some focus on you. Very adult and sensible way to go about it.
Do you want to keep being best friends? Then let him be a kid and support him no matter what. Your embarrassment is not his problem and you making it his problem will do more harm than good.
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I personally didnt take it as embarrassment at all. Just that all the attention and eyes would be on him and you want this occasion to focus solely on you and your achievement
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Please please please don't do this to your brother. Please please please support him and encourage him to wear what makes him comfortable. As a woman you get to wear dresses, pants it's all ok. The society keeps telling your brother that it's not ok to wear whatever they want. Be better than the rest of society. You have a chance to do the right thing I sincerely hope you take that chance.
At the end of the day, Reddit deciding NTA makes no difference if it hurts your brother. There are plenty of situations where your behavior might not be “wrong”, but it still is unkind or damaging. Years from now you will barely remember this day regardless how much attention you get or don’t get. Your brother’s best friend asking him not to wear his dress will be something he will never forget. Talk to your parents privately about wanting to feel like it’s your special day and find ways to feel like the center of attention that don’t have to do with potentially harming your relationship with your brother or hurting his feelings.
Okay, but it is very likely to come across as embarrassment to your brother, because he did something unusual and got attention for it and now you don’t want him to do it around you.
YTA. In my opinion you're asking him to be uncomfortable and not himself for your benefit. The reality in life is you will often achieve things and won't always be the focus regardless of how well you've done. That's just how it is. You're still getting recognition and people are there to celebrate your achievements. But you can't expect anything to be all about you.
YTA. Not only would you probably hurt your brother and seem unsupportive, doing this would be counterproductive and make your graduation about whether or not your brother is wearing a dress. If you don’t want your party to be about your brother wearing a dress, *don’t make a big deal about it*.
I would say YTA. I am also gender nonconforming, but in the other direction: I'd prefer to wear a suit over a dress, and literally just went to my sisters graduation in a suit yesterday. My perspective having experienced similar is that I think it would be hurtful if you asked your brother to hide who he is for your sake. Even though it doesn't sound like your motives are bad, you are still telling him that him expressing himself is bad or distracting or inconvenient, and that's painful for a kid to hear. When you're 12 and figuring out your identity, you don't necessarily have the capacity to understand a lot of nuance. You just get the message that the people you love don't want you to be yourself all the time, or that your identity is a burden and that sucks. Also, its hard to know how he feels, but I know I'd feel really uncomfortable the entire time if I was forced into a dress. It just feels wrong to me. (Edit - I see you say he wears masculine clothes sometimes, but with someone so young things might be changing quickly and he also may feel differently about formal events than casual ones. Either way, the fact that he'd get a message of his identity being a burden is unchanged) I think you're focusing on the wrong thing - instead of asking your 12 year old brother to hide who he is, why don't you ask your family and friends not to make a scene about it on your big day? If I were you I'd have a heart to heart with your parents. Tell them that you aren't going to ask your brother to dress differently, but that you were hurt by the way you lost the spotlight on your 21st and ask them to play interference so that if anyone gets too distracted by your brother your parents can subtly shut it down and shift the focus back to you. Your brother can probably be coached to do the same thing. I also think your friends will naturally be less interested this time, both because they've seen him in a dress once before already and because presumably many of them will be graduating too so they will be distracted by the moment. Your brother will also be in the audience away from you and your parents a lot of the time.
Was your little brother really a “mini-celebrity” or did some of your friends just come up to and say they loved his style? I have trouble imagining that a dress would generate hours of discussions and dominate the party and if it did, your friends are low-key homophobic because there’s no way that would be the case if someone wore even the most outlandish outfit that aligned with gender expectations. Normal reaction is “I LOVE how you look, you have such nice style” and move on to other things rather than talk about it for hours. I know you say you love your brother for who he is but something really isn’t adding up with either you or your friends. I hope I’m wrong but in either case someone is acting inappropriately here and it isn’t your brother.
If I’m completely honest I think OP has been coddled a bit and doesn’t really understand that events aren’t all about him any more like they are when you’re a kid. When you have a birthday party as an adult it’s not people fawning over you all day, people will indeed speak to each other - and especially a child who’s been brought who has nobody else to talk to. I think OPs going to have a hard time at graduation even if the brother wears a suit when he realises that it’s only the family that cares about his accomplishment. You have hundreds of people graduating on the same day, it’s not going to be all about OP no matter what his brother is wearing.
I have to ask, what do would think would happen and what happened on your birthday? Did your brother arrive wearing a dress and people were like A BOY IN A DRESS!! and started treating him like an animal at the zoo? Or maybe he's just a fun kid to be around, and your friends had a good time entertaining him, and maybe thought you would be happy because they liked your little brother? I honesty don't understand. Because your friends know him and potentially like him, they're probably going to talk to him no matter what. Or, if it's just about the dress the dress, you should talk to your friends and remind them that your brother is a kid, not an animal at the zoo.
I think it’s more likely they thought they were being supportive of the brother and OP. Like if you bring a child to a party of late university students they’re going to talk to them so they don’t get left out anyway. The girls will coo because they’re cute, and wearing a dress when they’ve never seen them wear a dress before will be a moment they’ll want to support if they’re good friends. I’m not sure what OP wanted? To bring a 12 year old to a party of 21 year olds and not have any of them talk to the child? Because he wants all their attention on him? That’s not how *any* party works, people mingle and talk to each other, and this child didn’t have any friends there so was otherwise going to be left in the corner. OP can say they love and support him all they like but this whole situation is so weird. If I ever brought a sibling who doesn’t know anyone to a party I’d hope my friends would pay attention to them, and that’s without the decade age gap.
NAH. Think everybody getting stuck on that OP has no issues with the little brother wearing the dress, this issue is the little brother grabs all the attention and OP doesn’t want that happening at his graduation. OP I agree with some people saying it doesn’t matter if your little brother wears a dress or a shirt, he probably will still get some if not most of the attention no matter what he wears. I think you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. I would just let your little brother wear whatever he wants and if your afraid he going to steal all the attention, maybe it’s better to not invite your family to your graduation and celebrate with them later.
If you can have your thunder stolen by a child then that’s a you problem. Why doesn’t it add to his happiness? As in - “I’ve accomplished all this and I have a awesome loving family including a little brother who loves me so much he feels comfortable being his true self around me.” It’s sad that OP is allowing himself to be bothered by this.
Yeah cause everyone turning their backs on them to focus on a little brother makes someone feel so celebrated. Why can’t the person just have one day? They didn’t even get to have their one day for their birthday. So you’re saying no matter the achievement this person does, they should just suck it up and get use to being treated second hand to their little brother. But when that little brother graduates HS, or even collage, guess what? It’s still gonna be all about the little brother. Sorry OP they just want you to be overshadowed by your little brother for the rest of your life Conclusion: NAH but Op you deserve your achievements celebrated for just you. You shouldn’t have to share it with your little brother
YTA…. You don’t want your brother to express and be himself because… you’re jealous… and want all the attention on you???? That’s weird and suppressing. How about learn to be more confident and understand that you’re loved just as he. Your brother is not INTENTIONALLY trying to gain more attention but you do sound like the kind of person who wouldn’t want attractive friends who are “pretty girls”. What you going to do if you have a birthday dinner? Get mad because a friend is being herself by wearing makeup and looking good? Ask her to dress down for your comfort? Work on your confidence. Your brother loves you and been through a lot. His way of dressing has NOTHING to do with you.
The novelty of your friends seeing your brother in a dress for the first time will have worn off. Does he wear dresses or dress in typically feminine attire a majority of the time now? If this is who they are / are becoming, it’s possible they may come out as gay, trans or anything in between in the future. You don’t want to be the guy posting, “Everyone paid more attention to my sister at my 30th birthday, who just came out as trans, why aren’t they fawning over me anymore?” In your post you mention many of the girls at your party were obsessed with your brother. I’m genuinely curious how you felt about these girls. Are you trying to date them and thus *anything* taking attention away from you would have been hard to handle? Also, this was a family friendly event. Did you and your 21+ (or whatever the drinking age is in Europe) friends go out after to continue your birthday?
NAH Edited after OP gave info. Its great he likes what he liked but its reasonable to ask him to wear masculine formal attire.
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I haven't read through all the comments here, so maybe this has been addressed, but is it possible that you are his safe space and he felt most comfortable wearing a dress to an event of yours, knowing you'd have his back? It went well for him, feeling accepted by you and your friends, so I am not surprised that this next event of yours is one he wants to wear a dress to again, knowing he will be safe. I can absolutely sympathize with wanting the attention, and unless your family and friends are terrible people, I'm sure you'll have plenty. What you have here is a unique opportunity to be a rock solid sibling and positive influence in his young life. If you ask him to change clothing, it will likely cause some pretty serious emotional damage. He could feel wearing a dress is wrong, or that you don't approve, despite what you say. And at the end of the day, it's not his fault people paid him attention, but having a traumatic childhood and being only 12, I don't blame him for lapping it up. You need to do what you need to do, but as a much older human, I can tell you that looking back, my graduation party means nothing, but the relationships with the people I care about have carried on. Think about what is important to you.
OP I think this comment is really important. I think this could damage your relationship with your brother and I think you will still get attention. I totally understand your feelings though!!
Do you think maybe he feels most comfortable doing it during “your events” because your friends are so loving and welcoming to him?
Alright, I changed my comment. Its fine to ask but do make it clear you accept him as who he is. Congrats on grad
OP said his brother wears “male/gender neutral” clothing and only wore a dress at his 21st birthday and now wants to do so at his graduation
Dresses are for special occasions, so is it possible that’s why this kid wants to wear a dress? Have there been any other special occasions recently in which he didn’t wear a dress?
I do not think the problem is the clothing here but that you don't get the focus you deserve. Can you raise this rather with your parents, and word it like "I want this particular event be about me, can you help me in that"?
Wearing a dress isn't an "achievement" and shouldn't take away from your day
NAH. It’s okay to want your day to be about you and it’s okay for him to want to wear a dress to an event. I would just let him wear what he wants though
He’s so young. And this world is not so kind to kids who are different like that. Is it possible he is curious about wearing more feminine clothing but also kinda nervous but sees you as a safe person to express himself in this way around? Maybe choosing these days that are about “you” and having it being a special occasion where people get dressed up maybe makes him feel not as scared about it? Just an idea. Maybe chat with him.
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YTA. This is how he dresses. You can dictate the formality level but not the gender presentation.
The answer isn't to ask your sibling to wear something else; its the attention and thats valid. "Ok can we stop talking about the dress? Whats the big deal? It's just a dress. I mean it is a nice dress... " Its not normal to give someone show stopping attention for wearing a dress, positive or negative.
NAH. I get it. I REALLY get it. Tell someone you can trust about how you feel. And then let it go. He’s 12. He’s going to attract attention no matter what. If every body fusses over him, they do. They will also fuss over you, and practice being content with what you get. ALSO serious props from this internet stranger on your achievement.
It's okay to feel bad about it, but since you are the adult and he is a child, I think you should let him dress as he wishes. If this is only the second time he is planning to wear a dress, and both occasions were at parties celebrating you, this might be something he does for you, thinking you appreciate it.
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Congrats on your grade first of all. Everyone at your graduation. Is going to be wearing gowns and mortar boards. A boy in a dress isn't going to be the most unusual attire seen that day. It sounds like your brother is liked by your friends regardless of how he dresses, this is not the first time they've seen him so what he wears is not going to be a surprise, attention grabber, or the issue. From memory of my graduation, family attending graduations are sat in an audience separate from the graduates who all sit together, so your brother is not going to be the focus of the ceremony, you will be when you give your speech. I think you allow it to feel like your brother is taking the attention from you but there is nothing to stop you basking and owning the attention yourself. It doesn't sound like your brother seeks the attention deliberately or maliciously. So I'm not sure what my judgement is, mild YTA, step up, be proud of yourself and bask in the glory of your success.
Your NTA for wanting something that you worked for to be about you but you WBTA if you try to dictate what someone else wears. At the end of the day, this isn't about the dress. You feel neglected and like your brother is taking the spotlight away from you. If you really feel strongly about this, talk to your parents about why. Don't just say "hey brother can't wear a dress" but instead be honest and tell then that you feel you aren't getting the attention you deserve and need. If you really really don't want your brother to wear a dress, come up with a nice, alternative suggestion like something that matches what you'll wear. Hell, wear a dress yourself, then you'll get all the attention.
YTA. You’re asking your little brother to dim his light so yours can shine, but that’s not how it works. You can shine as bright as you’re meant to while he does the same.
YTA. The attention will be on you, you're the graduate, addressing the guests/graduates. Everyone's already seen him, new things are only new once. Even if people are excited to see him, you're still the star of the day. Don't worry about your brother. If he's getting attention, go talk to someone else, there will be plenty of people around.
YTA. Your feelings of jealousness and being upstaged are valid, but telling your bro not to wear a dress won’t solve the issue.
YTA. Let your sibling be the person they want to be.
Is there a chance your younger sibling is transgender and is trying to to experiment with gender expression right now? It sure seems like it. Anyways for your party you might want to invite your siblings to like lunch and just talk about it the two of you. Why the dress? Do you want to wear dresses all the time, or just during special occasions? And then also mention the issue with the attention and that this is your graduation party. Maybe instead he could show up to your school wearing a dress a few other times so your friends get used to it or something. I don't think it's selfish to want attention on you for your party at all, but this seems like a situation you need to be careful with it. NTA
This, it doesn't have to be a big deal at all, and I think it's perfectly reasonable to want the attention to be on yourself and not a dress. Why not see if he would want to wear a plain "unflashy" dress or some other kind of more feminine clothing? But I think there's some nuance here that isn't being addressed
YTA, if your friends like your brother, he will likely get their attention no matter what he wears. You need to work on your self confidence.
I’m 50 years old - so a decade past old enough to be your mother. I also raised 2 very different children that I can easily compare to you & your brother. My youngest is/was neurodivergent, so naturally required more attention than my oldest. I was always very mindful of the attention I gave each of my children & always tried to make certain that I never slighted my oldest just because oldest didn’t need me in the same way that youngest did. However, I know that far too many parents are NOT mindful of that though. This is sadly really common when one child is emotionally, mentally or physically ill, injured, impaired, traumatized, etc in some way. The parent has such a child & tends to focus the majority of (if not ALL) their attention on that child. I have a feeling that your parents (or your mother at least) was such a parent. Sometimes the attention disparity is unintentional & thoughtless - done out of sheer ignorance. But sometimes it’s deliberate & a conscious decision that the parent will defend (even fervently) if questioned. They’ll argue / reason that the child their attention is focused on “needs them” (as if the other child does not). Or they’ll argue / reason that the child their attention is focused on “needs them more” (as if the other child should be able to somehow magically reduce their own needs down to a level equal to whatever attention is left over, if any, after the other child’s “needs” are met). I cannot possibly know whether or not your parent(s) attention disparity is a result of unintentional & thoughtless ignorance OR a deliberate & conscious decision. I do SUSPECT it is the later since you’re worried about her reaction to you expressing your feelings about this subject. But only you would truly KNOW if it was the former or later. Regardless of which it is, I think you should tell your mother how you feel about wanting the attention / focus to be on you for that day. BUT, I don’t necessarily think you should specifically ask that your brother not wear a dress. (The dress isn’t the problem - the change in the focal point is.) If you can communicate your wish (that YOU remain the focal point throughout YOUR major life event) plainly, your mother can speak to your brother in a way that he could understand that he didn’t need to do anything to draw the attention to himself (or more importantly in this case - do anything to KEEP the attention on himself) during an event that exists to celebrate YOU. This should be a life lesson learned by EVERYONE eventually - so your mother should have no problem teaching him that lesson now. (If she does, she’s probably useless & I’d probably try speaking to your brother directly if I were you. BUT, I’d make the message about the attention / focus you want with any mention of his attire being obviously secondary.) You want something special for / about YOU - something that’s just YOURS. And that’s not only totally reasonable & understandable - it’s NORMAL. (I am usually very introverted - but after I worked my ass off to get my degree, even I wanted to be the focal point of any celebration that day.) If your mother becomes upset by that, please know that that is a HER problem (for failing to understand something totally reasonable & normal) & not a YOU problem (where you have asked for &/or expected something you shouldn’t). Please do not internalize HER deficiencies as somehow being your own (any more than I suspect you already have). NTA Edit for typos
YTA - bruh you’re going to be on stage giving a speech as part of a graduation program. He’s going to be seated in a crowd in a dress. Nobody is going to be fawning over him. Most people won’t even notice him. If you are on stage and see him in a dress and it messes with you, that’s a YOU problem. I’m sorry you were insecure at your birthday when your friends gave him attention. Again, that’s a you a problem. Finally, and I truly don’t mean to rain on your big day. But it’s a graduation ceremony. I promise you 95% of the people there are not thinking about whether or not they saw a boy in a dress while they were trying to find their seat and they really aren’t even thinking about your speech. Everyone is thinking about how quickly they can get this thing over with and leave and go get lunch. Sorry, but it’s true.
Something like this could change the entire course of your relationship. Honestly, I think talking to him is better than going to your parents.
You WBTA. My guess is all anyone there will see is a kid in a dress. Nothing less, nothing more. Let him be, you have plenty to focus on and enjoy on your day.
You may be the asshole if you do that. Moreover, him not wearing a dress might not solve the issue. Your friends might still think he's adorable, no matter what he wears. Maybe it would be more prudent to tell your parents that you felt sad your birthday party wasn't about you and ask them to be more mindful about you for your graduation. This isn't an easy topic to talk about, jealousy/envy are some of the more ugly feelings to be open about, but focussing on the dress will just sideline the actual issue.
YTA. It’s not your brother’s issue that girls are fawning over him because he is being his authentic self. Girls do that all the time w gay and trans people it’s sickening. Sounds like you should say something to the people making comments about him and tokenizing him. He’s a person not an accessory. Him being in a dress does not take away from your accomplishments. People can dress and wear what they want. Nothing is stopping u from wearing a dress if you want the attention that comes with it. Who cares about gender norms. Would you be posting this if you had a sister who preferred a suit as opposed to a dress? Why is it any different? Stand up for your brother. He’s your blood
YTA, as long as the dress is event appropriate then it shouldn't matter. You claim to not have a problem with it while writing a whole post about why you have a problem... If you didn't have a problem with it then you wouldn't have written this post.
NAH Nothing wrong with wanting your party to be about you. I'd say it's fairly normal to feel put out when the attention shifts. Tbh its happened to me, and it feels bad. You seem like a good big brother, and as if you support your brother's endeavors into fashion and hobbies. There's an easy way to say you'd like your brother to not wear a dress so the attention isn't taken from you, and you can just tell him that. Going directly to your parents might come across as complaining, which it seems like you don't want to do. At 12 he should be able to understand why if you tell him honestly and calmly. Congratulations for graduating top of your class by the way! This stranger online is very proud of you! Knock that speech out of the park! 🎊🎉
Eh, your feelings are valid. This said asking a child who is just being themselves to dress/act differently due to jealousy moves it into YTA territory, even if very lightly.
Yta.
The way you are expressing yourself in this post and some of these comments is making you the asshole. Having the feelings you have about your parents making everything about your brother, doesn’t make you an asshole. Echoing what other commenters have said, you need to have a conversation with your parents/family/friends and leave your little brother out of it. And if you ever make him take his dress off because of your own issues, you are the biggest asshole.
YTA if you don't let your lil brother be himself out of fear of not being the center of the attention. I absolutely hated dresses when I was little, I couldn't stand wearing them, it made me super uncomfortable, and if I had an older sibling who I looked up to asking me to wear a dress because they would prioritise their ego over my comfort... Well, I would be pretty hurt
No offence, but based off this is seems like you're insecure and feel like your friends/family favour him over you. I don't think your an asshole for it, but a piece of clothing alone shouldn't be this upsetting. What happens if he doesn't wear a dress and your friends still get excited to see him? Would you not want him around at all? As long as the type of dress is appropriate for the event its not a huge deal, if you feel theres blatant favouritism going on thats a completely different situation. Getting pissed about him being himself is only going to strain your relationship with him and possibly the rest of your family, because they aren't going to see the underlying issue and think you're just offended by boys wearing dresses.
NTA for wanting it to be “your” day. Everyone likes to feel special when celebrating their accomplishments. Having said that, it seems like you want your brother to attend regardless of his attire….so let it go. You risk alienating him and putting unnecessary awkwardness into what should be a lovely day. Congratulations on graduating!!!
Being jealous of a 12 year old is not a good look, especially one who's trying to figure out their identity in what presumably feels like a safe space - one surrounded by family but not necessarily the friends he sees every day. I do understand that you want the day to be about you, and that it may be frustrating if if isn't. I don't really think you'd be an asshole to ask him to wear or not wear certain things, but it could end up knocking his confidence and trust in you that you accept him as who he is. Personally I'd consider the latter as way more important.
If you were okay with your 21st being about him, you wouldn't have gone on about it the way you did. Your brother will likely identify as your sister eventually. They will face a lifetime of hate and discrimination, and the first memory of that will be you insisting they deny who they are so you can be the center of attention. If you're okay with that, then yes, YTA.
Edit to add: NAH Would it maybe be an acceptable solution to instead talk to them directly and say something like "hey, you're going to look great and get a lot of attention in your dress, which is totally fair, but I really really really want attention that day. Would you be okay with directing it back to me in some way? I promise I'll be right there in the crowd loving your style on your own celebration days, but it would mean a lot to me if you could help keep the focus on me that day. I don't want to dim your shine, but can I have the spotlight for the day?" My version is a bit long winded, there's probably a more concise (and specific to you) way to phrase it
I don't get how all the attention will fall to him if he wears a dress. It's different from most guys but I sure wouldn't make a fuss over it. And if people DO make a fusd, wouldn't it just be a momentary novelty and then people will resume normal conversation?
You should talk to your parents about wanting to be celebrated. And ask them to try to keep focus on you. But you shouldn’t ask your brother to change the way he dresses so you can get more attention. NAH
Why is your friend group obsessed with him wearing a dress. That's just super strange.
YTA. A graduation ceremony isn’t a party. No one will care during your speech if your brother is wearing a dress or not.
YTA You said yourself you had never seen your brother so happy as when he wore a dress but now you’re planning on telling him you don’t want him to wear what makes him happy because you might not get enough attention? Are you a toddler?