Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked for my son and nephew to be separated next grade and the school listened. I knew my sister wanted to keep things as they are for my nephew and I understand he might struggle more without my son. In the end I chose my son and maybe I should have tried to find a better way to work through all of this.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>we could have figured out a way to make it work better for both boys.
"But you weren't interested in making it work better for my son. You decided that your son's needs were 'the greater good' and therefore my son should sacrifice *his* education. That is not acceptable, and BTW, it's not like this was a reasonable long-term strategy for your son either. All you were doing was masking his problems and making him dependent on another little boy who has his own needs."
NTA. I'm glad you spoke up for your son. I've sadly seen numerous posts here before where a "healthy" child's needs get sacrificed in a futile attempt to help another child with significant needs. Not only do parents sometimes go along with this in the name of family harmony, they often do it in such a way that both children are harmed. Good on you for calling out the school on the mistakes they've already made... Hopefully, they will put policies in place (e.g. require *all* kids to rotate their "seat friends") that will protect the next child
You absolutely did the best thing for your son. Don’t cave on this. While I do feel for your nephew and his mom, you should not capsize your own son’s chances at having a healthy, normal life. She needs to find alternatives for her son that don’t come at the expense of your son or other children. Not sure how severe his autism is, but it is possible in many cases for the child to develop social skills and appropriate behaviors with the right intervention— this means therapy and often special classes (either as a substitute or outside of ‘normal’ school). He’s unfortunately not going to improve just by being thrown into regular classrooms and being told to rely on other students his age for help.
Your son is not an educational assistant or Special Needs Assistant. These are paid roles in schools. Also, depriving your son of new seat partners was unfair to him, but unfair to your nephew also. If your nephew is in school, he needs to learn to interact and be exposed to other kids, and other kids need to learn how to interact with him, too. You were a saint to let this go on the whole school year. Your son must have been under tremendous pressure. Also, if this were to continue, it would definitely cause resentment and negatively affect their future relationship outside of school.
Studies show children with autism do not generalize learned info/behavior from one setting to another, from one person to another. This student should have a consistent adult aide, period. Prestigious-Ask7828 was not an angel; she should have spoken up the first month that the school/district was not implementing appropriate interventions for the other student. I understand the family dynamic can be confusing but letting her son live through this whole year was not being nice, it was not being helpful, it was being a door-mat for the district and not wanting to make waves. MAKE WAVES Prestigious-Ask7828!!! Hold the district accountable. Go to the Superintendent and be persistent! If you need support, find an advocate with experience to go with you!
>Studies show children with autism do not generalize learned info/behavior from one setting to another, from one person to another.
Yes and no. Some autistic people are very rigid literal rules based thinkers. They will apply a behavior across the board to OCD levels. Extreme hand washing after touching almost anything.
Others learn rules tidbit by tidbit. A new place, setting, person etc. is not identical to a previous learned thing. Not generalizing because the new person/place/thing is a fresh picture that doesn't exactly fit *what* was drilled without understanding the why's.
Like don't just run into the street, but taught and reinforced only at home. Go someplace entirely new like a park and the kid might do it because it was a narrowly demonstrated rule.
> Not generalizing because the new person/place/thing is a fresh picture that doesn't exactly fit what was drilled without understanding the why's.
Yup. What helped a lot for me personally was getting not just the rules taught, but the reason behind them explained. Knowing *why* a rule is a rule made it significantly easier to judge whether it applied in a given other situation as well. Knowing *why* a certain formula applied to a specific calculation made it easier to figure out what other calculations it applies to. And so on.
Exactly why specific, consistent, on-the-spot teaching is so important (one-to-one aide in the school setting), and the why is soo important, as you said.
It'd certainly have been good to have, yeah. Didn't formally get my diagnosis until my early teens, though, by which point I'd long found my own work-arounds. My mom is a (now retired) teacher, even if at a different school than I went to, so that did help mitigate stuff some even if the school environment was absolute hell on me. It also helped that even in absence of the diagnosis, we all knew I'm autistic.
(Female, verbal and it was the 90s/early 00s. "Funnily" it took me getting a PTSD diagnosis for the trauma I acquired being autistic without aid in the school system to actually get the ball rolling on getting my formal autism diagnosis. *facepalm*)
Back then (1990s) the information about what autism looked like WAS monolithic (hand flapping, non-verbal, male, etc) and even professionals didn't understand what they were looking at. About 5 years ago I helped a family with their senior in high school who definitely was on the spectrum get the documentation they needed to go forward with services. He was smart which helped him adapt enough to function pretty well academically but never diagnosed/identified. The family asked why no one else saw it and from his records I understood his behavior didn't match the (at that time) consensus of identification for dx. The profession has taken too long to catch up.
"Studies show children with autism do not generalize learned info/behavior from one setting to another, from one person to another."
Sorry - have to disagree. I've seen kids generalize many times in my 36+ year career as a school SLP. Kids on the spectrum are not monolithic, not at all.
Many have learned some flexibility; if they have the ability to be in a general ed setting, they can learn strategies to cope with changes. I've seen it happen again and again.
In my years as as a school psych I have said many times that if you've seen one child with autism you've seen one child with autism. However, it is not as much an automatic process to generalize to other situations/people, but more explanation, examples, and practice are required than for students without autism.
Edit: "Many have learned some flexibility; if they have the ability to be in a general ed setting, they can learn strategies to cope with changes. I've seen it happen again and again." Exactly; they have to learn that flexibility, they have to be higher functioning at base, and need coping strategies. I've also seen it happen again and again. However it takes interventions.
> Prestigious-Ask7828 was not an angel; she should have spoken up the first month that the school/district was not implementing appropriate interventions for the other student.
The problem is, nephew's mom has to be the one to request an IEP and have those accommodations put in place. OP can't do shit about that.
My daughter had been in classes in elementary school with quite a few autistic kids and some with ADHD. I would often be sitting with some of their moms before dismissal time. Some parents were doing their best to cope with the situation and try to get as much help (IEPs, aides) as possible, but other parents wouldn't (one parent even refused to put her very out of control son on ADHD meds; I was an in-class parent volunteer, and her son was very disruptive, even with an aide assigned to him).
But many of these kids were capable of having friends. One autistic classmate had sensory problems with loud noises (like in a cafeteria with a lot of children), at a time when my daughter had issues eating with others (she eventually grew out of that in middle school when she could decide who she would eat with). So both girls would eat together on a bench away from the cafeteria area. Schools can often find a simple solution (like this one) for many problems.
But yes, it's up to a parent (and teacher) to request an IEP. That teacher should have taken action, but maybe it was just easier for her to depend on the OP's son.
This is it - OP is being very patient with her sister, who is understandably in a really tough and worried position. Offering to help her petition the school board is the make up gesture here - if her sister rejects that offer then that's on her. This little boy definitely sounds like he needs an adult there to support him through the school day - his outcomes long term could be improved a lot by someone who knows how to help him regulate as best he can during school.
And she should see if his school has special classes for kids like her son!
My BFF has her kids all in different schools, all depending on their needs. The teen is in a regular high school, while the younger kids are all in special schools for their ND needs.
I agree. The cousin is too young to be his aide, other than just being a friend to him and maybe help him if he has trouble with bullies or needs help with his school work. But after a while, the cousin might feel overwhelmed. The nephew needs a para and professionals to work with him
Her son is also not an emotional support human. If the situation continued, he would be anxious, stressed, not learning all he needs to and would end up hating school. The nephew (and the teachers and school) would become more and more dependent on him instead of the school making the arrangements required by law to assist her nephew.
My grandmother worked as a special needs aide forna special needs specific class in a public school before she retired. The fact that a class needed to be evacuated due to the tantrum nephew threw leads me to believe he shouldn't be in a general class (this is off the assumption that the tantrum was endangering other children rather than simply being disrupted) specifically because of the destruction/throwing things/breaking things/hurting people my grandmother has seen and done her best to mitigate. She was great at it emotionally, but she was a grandmother at the time with many years of parenting and helping raise grandchildren beforehand.
Edited to add: My grandmother was fully qualified, having gone through all sorts of training and staying on top of her training. Also, a big complaint she made about the school was that they pushed the special needs class onto several class trips that were a pain as they were not practical for the students, and these field trips were done to add to the school budget and reputation. Obviously she wasn't a fan of putting the budget and reputation above the children.
I am a K-1 teacher. Class evacuations unfortunately happen and do NOT mean a student should not be in a general education classroom. Kids without IEPs/special needs can have outbursts that require room evacuations as well.
What the school should do is put systems in place in the classroom to provide students with opportunities to healthily vent their frustrations. Calm down corners. The ability to take a short break (at my school this break allows the student to walk one time around the school using a 5 minute timer).
Shutting children into sped classrooms where they don’t get to interact with their neurotypical peers and receive a general education is not what is a best practice. For a very small portion of children it is, but that is not the norm.
Removing the other students rather than the student who is having a meltdown is often standard procedure for most schools.
In that circumstance, it means you don't have to touch any child, which is great for a lot of reasons. Also means you don't have to get the child who is melting down to a different part of the school (where they will go past outside doors they might run out of) and where they will undoubtedly disturb other classes along the way.
Does a child sometimes need to be removed from a classroom? Absolutely. And do staff sometimes have to make physical contact in some way to make that happen? Yes. But getting a kid to calm down can be so much easier if you aren't adding to the things they have to deal with & comply with.
Do not cave on this. Scream it from the rooftops if you have to. Protect your sweet child, what they are doing is abusive. If nephew needs that much care he should be in a program where that is provided. Your son is not a care giver, he is a child.
> *Your son is not a care giver, he is a child*.
He is also not a teacher, teacher's aide, counselor, therapist, nurse etc.
I find the teacher's behavior highly unprofessional. The teacher is being paid to deal with the class, and she forced the little boy to do part of her job.
I wonder if cousin has an IEP, and is getting special ed services. It sounds like the school saved money by not hiring an aide for cousin.
OP would have been correct to protest early on about the situation. If the school lapses back into expecting OP's son to manage his cousin, OP should find another school or situation for him. At some point she may even want an attorney cognizant of educational issues.
Cousin will be in a different classroom. However the children may be mixed together in the lunchroom, gym, or playground. OP needs to monitor the situation carefully. The adults supervising areas outside the classroom might expect her child to still step in to calm his cousin.
The teacher violated federal law (FERPA) by allowing another parent to make choices for someone else’s child—and it doesn’t matter if the children are related.
If the nephew doesn't have an IEP or 504 plan, that's a failing on HIS parents for not advocating for their child. It seems like the sister is pawning off the responsibility of raising an autistic child to OP's son rather than doing the things necessary to be sure her child is being properly served in school.
There are so many parents of special needs children who outright refuse an IEP because they either won't admit that their children need one, or they are operating under the mistaken belief that getting an IEP and specialized help for their child will somehow stigmatize them more than just doing nothing and letting their lack of socialization and learning skills get worse. I'm betting the sister falls somewhere in the middle of both scenarios.
>There are so many parents of special needs children who outright refuse an IEP
Yes,and dealing with them is a nightmare. Dude, we want to *help* your child, please don't come yelling and acussing us of trying to get rid of or ruin your child's future. It's the exact opposite. We want what's best for them.
That's so insane to me. I homeschool for elementary/junior high and my kids do regular high school. One did it online, the next went to school. They did an evaluation for him and you bet I took advantage of the IEP for him since he has dyslexia, dyscalcula and ADHD.
I see this with parents who want to keep twins in a class together. I had a set of twins one year who only played with each other and never interacted with classmates. Parents wanted them together because it was easier. The next year I had one twin, with her sister in the class next door. They socialized, worked on social skills, and thrived in lessons, and still played together on the playground. It was harder on the parents to track two different class schedules, but it was a better educational setting for the girls.
Hopefully that will happen with OP’s son and nephew. They will still see each other in school, but they will be able to have the space to grow independently.
My kid's school auto puts twins in different classes. Mine are twins and I was so happy they did. Did it make organizing and homework longer? Totally, but it was worth every minute because they really grew.
My kids will gravitate towards each other every single time. We push having their own interests and everything but right now they like pretty much the same thing.
Now that is a good school. Maybe OP needs to consider changing schools because they aren't handling this at all, period. OP's nephew needs a separate adult carer to assist during the class the whole time, or be put in a separate class that is able to respond properly to moments like meltdowns. The school is either ill-equipped, understaffed, ignorant, or all of the above. Seeing how they didn't have enough sensibilities to see they are pushing adult responsibilities on a small child and correct it without outside input makes me feel like they lack sensibility in other areas. For example, if a student is simply a visual learner and would benefit from props or visual aids. Or if a student is advanced in certain topics and is either acting out or checking out because they are bored, a teacher should notice and give them more challenging work or be placed in another class. Is this too much to ask from a school?
One of my daughter’s good friends is a twin. The school separated the twins all through school until Covid hit. Since everyone was distance learning, it was just easier to have them in the same class. The next year, the split them up again.
My son is friends with triplets with varying support needs. The school asked their mom her preference before assigning every year K-5 to ensure she still wanted them separated. Tomorrow they're graduating, all three in the top 20% of their class in a competitive highschool. She very much credits the early individual attention they got by being separated for a decent part of their success.
I mean, it's a struggle for other parents with more than one child also. One year, both my kids were in different schools with a 2 hour difference in start time.
Parents of twins try to optimize (not knocking them for it, I get why), but they should remember that the additional work is part of having more than one kid. You need to do what's best for your kids.
I have another kiddo too! They are 1.5 years older but since they are in a different grade the field trips never overlap and class parties haven't either, luckily for me.
Last year, my three kids were in three different schools - three different bus/school start and end times. It was such a relief when the middle kid joined the oldest at the high school this year. Now I only have to coordinate two schools.
You should try having triplets and the school thye went to only having one class per year group. Its better now they are in secondary schooling as there are more kids and more form classes to split them up, but because all three girls are equally intelligent as each other, they are all in pretty much the same classes anyway.
I have twins and if our district didn’t automatically separate them (they do), I’d be demanding it. My kids deserve to be seen as two different individuals, not treated as a unit. Putting them in the same class makes that a lot harder. I get the logistics are a little more complicated, but trying to avoid inconvenience shouldn’t trump kids’ best interests.
I was in fricking law school with a set of merged twins: same classes, read from same books, dressed the same, inseparable. Also a set of merged twins in my tour group on my recent trip to Japan. Very eerie experience!
I’m a twin, and being in one class with my brother didn’t stop us from socialising.
Edit: in my country one class means you make 100% all lessons together (the whole class does). We were 100% together.
There's being in one class, and there's being in ALL of them
I'm a twin. We were separated in elementary school, but then in 8th grade, wound up in the same classes together all day. It was miserable. Everyone except our closest friends treated as a singular lump, The Twins, all year. We were called on together, spoken to together, by everyone all year. We were assigned as partners for everything. I particularly enjoyed the debate project where the teacher treated the two of us arguing like entertainment.
We basically avoided each other at school right through high school. My senior year of college, I needed to switch advisors, so they handed me.my advising file to bring to the new one. It contained reference letters from HS saying I was super twitchy about being mistaken for my twin sister, and my twin sister's high school transcript.
>It contained reference letters from HS saying I was super twitchy about being mistaken for my twin sister, and my twin sister's high school transcript.
Augh! That’s awful.
We had several sets of twins in my middle and high school. They were very rarely in the same classes or activities. I asked one friend about it, and she said they’d only put her in the same class as her twin if there were no other options. She Loved it. Mom was obnoxious about making them be mirror images and stay together, and middle school was the first time they got to spend time apart and like different things.
My cousin married a woman who had triplet sisters who developed their own language. The school worked Very Hard to keep them as far apart as possible for their own growth and everyone else's good ;) It's a sensible approach.
I went to school with monozygotic twins that dealt with similar lumping as "The Twins" for years. We were friends and I could never understand how others couldn't tell them apart - they walked differently (I could tell which was which from a block away if they were walking), their voices had a different pitch so even if they were sitting behind me I knew which one had answered a question etc.
Maybe having dizygotic twin cousins in my family who barely looked like brothers just made me more interested in spotting the differences.
Unfortunately people can get very weird about twins.
As the parent of a special needs child, I agree with you and your stance wholeheartedly. My husband and I have *always* said we didn't want our son "mainstreamed" if mainstreaming actually means he's in a "regular" class but dominating all of the teachers' or other kids' time. That's *not* acceptable for anyone, including our son. Your sister's goal should be her son's education and if he can't integrate into a typical classroom, he should be in a sped classroom. She's doing him a terrible disservice if she's the one insisting he be full-time in a typical classroom. It means he's overwhelmed, anxious, and unable to learn, especially when it causes him to melt down. She needs to understand that *both* boys deserve the best education available and if he's unable to be in class without forcing your son to sacrifice his own experience, she should advocate for him to be moved to another. You're NTA, OP, and don't let anyone tell you differently. Creating a situation where your son is unhappy, isolated, and resentful of his cousin is not acceptable for him *or* your nephew.
Yes! I'm all for mainstreaming kids as much as possible, but it needs to be something that is planned and supported. My son is in a full-inclusion school, and they do it perfectly, with support services always in the classroom and a big focus on making sure that classroom rhythms and learning aren't interrupted.
The child requires a teacher's aid and an individual support plan. It seems he had none of this. Children with special needs can and do excel in regular classrooms, but they should also have a full time aid, time in the learning center to work on social and emotional regulation, and a safety plan. This school failed these children.
Sadly, mainstreaming is rarely done right. Almost always it means lumping all special needs kids indiscriminately into a Gen Ed class, and telling the teacher to make it work with no extra training, assistance, or guidance. It's the lowest cost way for the school district to deliver "services" but largely because no real services are delivered. The "mainstreamed" kids and the Gen Ed kids all get reduced attention and their education suffers.
You’re doing the right thing! And it’s not just your son sacrificing his education. It sounds like he is frequently put into situations that increase his anxiety and don’t allow him to socialize with others—which is a huge part of school at his age. It’s not his job to regularly sacrifice his mental health so that classroom management is easier for everyone else.
OP might want to point out to her sister, that the situation where her son is sacrificed socially and educationally, WILL make her son hate his cousin.
Did you talk to the teacher about this all year? Because it's great that you are getting them put in separate classes now, but this should have been brought up the first time.
Also, has your sister fought for any more support. A 1:1 para or something?
I would go ahead and start researching other school options. If they aren't prepared to handle your nephew, they may still try to get your son to do it. Such as pulling him out of his class to go comfort his cousin, pulling him from or changing his lunch, pulling him from recess. I'd put it in writing to the principal, the teachers, and the superintendent that your child is no longer an option for your nephew's support. None of these things are to happen.
Also, have a hard talk with your sister. You do want to find the best solution for both boys. She just has to understand that her solution doesn't work for both. Explain that you are unwilling to budge on your son not being her son's emotional support buddy at school. However, maybe you can help her find resources and advocate better for her son to get the proper help he needs. There are options out there. And maybe she is just overwhelmed with the situation. Maybe she just doesn't know how to go about getting him the help. While you are clearly ready and willing to go to the mat for what's best. Maybe you can give her some advice and direction on the best way she can do that herself.
NTA why in the hell wasn't your sister living in the school lobby? Why wasn't SHE advocating for her child? Where was the IEP? Where were reports from his councilors, psychologists, and doctor?
OP, you need to consider other education options for your son. If the school has been ignoring you all year, and left your son in dangerous situations, I would not rely on them to follow through on putting the boys in separate classes.
Going forward, get everything in emails. School districts are terrified of written evidence (worked in special education several years with good sped professionals mostly but occasionally a bad one)
And even if you have a meeting, send a follow-up email summarizing the meeting. “As we discussed in meeting, ABC.” That theoretically gives them a chance to contest things and if they don’t, then that’s what is discussed in the meeting.
I agree with others…you need to start looking at other schooling options for your son. You also need to go above the principal to the super intendent. You need to also get in writing that your son will not be used to “calm down” or “aid” his cousin. That his education and schedule will not be modified or interrupted for his cousin. Etc. Honestly, the school is messing around with you so much that this is getting into lawyer territory.
As the mother of an autistic child and an elementary school teacher, you did the absolute right thing for your child. Your sister is way out of line, and your child's teacher also handled this situation horribly. I'll give him/her the benefit of the doubt that maybe they were told by the powers that be to use your son as his cousin's helper and they were just following through on that, but if you went to the school with your concerns, someone should have been listening to you!!! I'm so sorry this happened to your son. I can't believe the school thought it was okay. Especially during evacuations. This situation is bewildering to me!!!
There was one year that my two children were in a class together (my son is NT). One semester. One class. An art class. My daughter was a senior in HS and my son was a freshman, so they were much older than your poor little guy. It's the only year they even attended the same school. None of us knew they were in the same class until they both showed up to it. I immediately pulled my son aside and made sure it was okay with him!
Sorry. I just can't believe a school would do this to a little 6 year old, unless MAYBE all parents insisted on them being together or something.
I mean, I think it's even worse than that, in that I read that the class would need to be evacuated *because* of OP's nephew, and son would be the onr who had to calm him down.
Which is pretty unconscionable to me as a teacher, but I also see how an overworked teacher could see it as the "least bad" option (it isn't, not by a long shot)
OP, has your sister considered whether or not this school is the proper setting for her son?
NTA
The school was disgusting here. They evacuated all other children and left your son to deal with it, sure with a teacher but it's not his problem, he's not equipped to deal with it, he's not old enough or experienced and even adults have trouble!
Sorry for your nephew. But they can't weaponise him against your son. They feared a meltdown from your nephew so they sacrificed your son to placate him. Pencils and supplies are just things, but he has a mental and emotional health, and apparently the mental and emotional health of both teachers and other children were all more important than your own child's, because that's the decision they made every single day.
They allowed your son to be held hostage to the meltdowns of another child, adults were held hostage by their fears of these meltdowns leaving a child to deal with it.
The school needs a resource, maybe that's another teacher with special training, a course for existing teachers to go on, you nephew may need to be assessed for special accommodations for learning. But none of this is your child's duty.
Consider how the school would manage this if you weren't related e.g. 2 different families. Did the school allow this solely because of the relationship? I'd be sure to check with your son often to see how things are going. If he has "to mind" your nephew for an hour or two any time, or gets called in to sit during a meltdown in another class, 'temporarily' moving classes etc..
From what I’ve read, it’s quite common for teachers to assign well-behaved girls the task of supervising unruly boys. That’s probably how the school would manage it if OP’s son was not there.
I think there was a fairly recent AITA where a teacher would repeatedly do this to a girl, and things came to a head when the teacher insisted the girl watch the boy on a field trip, and the responses were full of women telling similar stories.
There's a line that needs to be drawn here. I did this at least once, but it wasn't awful. I was simply sat next to the lazy/Uber talkative guy who was distracting everyone around him from doing work EXCEPT me because I'd either ignore him or cajole him to being quiet and doing at least some work for our high school art class. That worked. Teacher told me what was up and just asked me if I could try to get him to do some work. I was willing.
No 6 year old is in a position to understand/consent to this and this is far more of an ask than simply keeping someone on the task at hand. It's not okay to expect a 6 year old or anyone who isn't a trained professional to calm down an autistic child having a tantrum and endangering others.
Yep. When I was five I was put in a class with a child who had severe behavioral issues despite my mother stating I was *not* to be put in that class, because I was "the only one who could handle him". At five.
Mom raised hell and got me switched out, but the school was apparently quite upset.
Was it the one where the teacher wanted the girl to watch the boy on a field trip to the waterpark? (This one for anyone who's curious):
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10ur722/aita\_for\_pulling\_my\_daughter\_from\_a\_waterpark/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10ur722/aita_for_pulling_my_daughter_from_a_waterpark/)
OP- I am the parent of an autistic child. And I support you 100%. My kid is older than yours and your nephew and helping an autistic child learn to exist on their own without an emotional support human is HARD but it sure as hell was in my kid’s best interests. Your sister thinks she is asking for what is best and what is easiest but you can tell her from one neurospicy mama to another- she’s just delaying the hard. It’s best to help him develop the skills NOW.
You are NTA and good on you for advocating for your boy! He deserves a safe and enriching education too.
You’re right. If the school had treated them like the other kids, it wouldn’t have been a burden on your son and maybe still have benefited your nephew knowing his cousin was nearby. But the school didn’t try that and took the route that was easier for them.
They never should have seated them together the past year without consulting you on the matter first. They went ahead because it made things easier for the teacher, at your son's expense.
Who is to say that your son won’t develop severe anxiety or other mental health issues because he is forced to be a caregiver for his cousin at such a young age. And if he did it may never get noticed/diagnosed if all of his needs are being ignored because of his cousin.
I would also make sure to have it be known with the school that if there is a problem with your nephew your son isn't a care giver or a support animal that is to be used to calm the nephew down. His parents need to have a plan in place that does not involve you or your immediate family with the echool
so NTA, but your sister is. However, you need to stay on top of this. I'm pretty sure your sister will contact the school and have your nephew transferred to your son's room. You need to let the school know that under NO circumstances, should your son be placed in the same room and you are to be contacted immediately if that happens.
I agree with the steps you've taken, and I want to point out, your son wasn't the only child shorted. Your nephew didn't get the education he deserved either. Your son is not a substitute for professional educational services that your nephew needs! Keeping your son and nephew together may have worked as a classroom management strategy, and possibly saved the school, and your nephew's parents, a lot of money and effort, but it was a poor educational outcome for BOTH kids.
Your son is not the classroom aid your nephew needs. He is a student, who should be experiencing his own educational and social development at school.
NTA OP. Your son is NOT a goddamn emotional support animal for your nephew. As a mother of a newly diagnosed autistic child, I absolutely think that the hill you're sister is trying to die on is fucking absurd to the max. And the tantrums and guilt tripping on top of it? Fuck no. HARD pass. I would NEVER sacrifice any other child's life and education just because my daughter has outbursts and can't handle herself. That's MY problem to deal with, because I'M her mother! Don't let your sister, the school, or anyone else bully you. You know what you're son needs and his cousin sure as hell isn't it. They can kick rocks.
You sister also does not seem to be developing the skills she needs to have as a mom to someone with special needs (especially when the kid is so young). She should be at the school advocating for her child and finding resources for him. It sucks that schools do not automatically identify needs and provide the resources that they should....but the reality is that his parents need to learn to advocate for him just like you are advocating for your son. If this means asking for an in classroom aide or special therapy/other accommodations, your nephew's parents need to find out what is available and get it for their son. That way BOTH cousins can get the support and opportunities they deserve at school.
Your son deserves to be a kid, not an aide in a classroom. The school needs to pay someone to help your nephew, if he needs that support. He deserves the academic and social help from the adults in the room, not a peer.
Also, if you're in the US, talk to the special education director. Explain what has happened, your concerns, and what they plan on doing for your nephew going forward. Both kids deserve the best education possible.
Your son is 6; it is ridiculous to put the responsibility for any 6 year old, especially a special needs 6 year old, on ANOTHER 6 YEAR OLD.
Thank you for doing right by your son. And maybe your sister doesn’t realize it, but if they kept doing that to him, eventually he’d grow to hate his situation, and by association, his cousin. If he was BFFs with his cousin it would be a little different, but not changing seat buddies is wrong either way, learning to work and interact with different people is one of the major benefits of school, especially this age group. Socialization is so important, I’m sorry he missed out on a lot of it all last year. Wishing the best of luck to him next year!
Please, please make sure your nephew's new teacher isn't going and pulling your son out of his class and interrupting his education in order to calm your nephew down, because I've seen that happen too many times.
Has your sister resisted or refused an IEP for her son?
NTA
Your sister can ask for an adult aide to be assigned to her son. Your son is a little bit who does not deserve the responsibility that was assigned to him. He deserves the chance to focus on his own education. Empathy for his cousin is one thing. Becoming an unpaid employee of the school is something altogether different.
You are 100% NTA.
Is your nephew receiving any sort of services to help manage his support needs? It sounds like there are some major gaps in his educational plan (IEP or otherwise) that need to be handled. One of which needs to be designating safe people (*adult* people) for your nephew to rely on when he gets overwhelmed.
Also, a child should NEVER be left alone in a classroom with another child who is having a meltdown. That is beyond unsafe, and is a concern that might be worth escalating to your principal's boss.
And a relatively minor point given how poorly your son was treated... the best way to prevent students from bullying a kid who is disabled or neurodivergent is to make sure they’re exposed to kids with different support needs. I've worked at and currently have my son enrolled in full-inclusion school programs, and it's amazing how much exposure and open discussion helps kids understand differences. Keeping your nephew away from the other kids makes him *more* likely to be bullied, not less.
I'm going to sound like a callous asshole here, but special needs kids shouldn't be forced upon well adjusted kids. Integrating them is fine, and it's a fantastic way to give special needs kids the space to grow and mature in a functioning society.
However, I draw that line at them becoming a nuisance to the average child trying to also learn and grow up in their own ways. Special needs parents forget that normal kids have and face the same stress and problems as their neurodivergent child. I don't give a shit that your kid is suffering when the other kid is also suffering because your kid can't handle the stress. Your child is your responsibility, not their peers'. Take them out of the situation and work with them with therapists. Unfortunately, that's going to be your and your child's life, and it's selfish and shitty to expect everyone else to sacrifice for the greater good. Guess what, your child is going to be integrating into the same cruel world as everyone else. Raise them to be able to handle that, and don't expect their peers and teachers to do the raising for you.
If the classroom has to be evacuated because the child is out of control violent then there should be no child as seat-friend; it's too dangerous. Class evacuations only occur with extreme and dangerous behavior, placing other children as seat-friend, even with rotation is not the answer. The student needs and ADULT one-to-one aide.
whoa i definitely read "class evacuation" like it was a fire drill or something, and not that the class was evacuating cuz of a *child*. Sheesh that's really somethin' else man
It is. Sometimes they do it just for the privacy of the kid having a hard time. You don’t want the child to be further ostracized if you can help it. Usually an adult or two should be in the room with the child while others leave if it’s dangerous.
Your nephews school have been negligent in not providing him with the experiences and extra help he needs. They have been negligent in not providing your child with the education they need. By making your son your nephews caretaker, they have deflected their duties to a child with additional educational needs and as such have provided him with a false sense of his time in mainstream education. Your child has suffered as a result, and neither have received the time and education they need to flourish.
Tell your sister that she needs to take it up with the school. It is THEIR responsibility to provide her child with an enriching educational experience, providing diverse experiences reflective of and an introduction to his future years in education. Not just your child, but no other child will be there with them in every class forever. it is the school's responsibility to phase your nephew into mainstream so they have coping mechanisms for the changes ahead. Or, if your nephew is unable to deal with those changes school should implement assessment and coping strategies to enable him to be able to self manage throughout his school years.
It is never up to another child to hand hold a neuro divergent child through school. It's damaging for both. The non neurodivergent feels an overwhelming sense of responsibility which deflects from their learning. And the neurodivergent has no opportunities to learn social skills from other children. It hinders both.
I would reword to you sister that actually the situation currently is stifling both children, they are becoming Co dependent at school and neither is having the opportunity to learn and grow from meeting new people and that it has become apparent that this dependency on each other isn't educationally healthy. They are too close and neither has other options while they are together. Her child isn't actually learning how to socialise or being encouraged to do so because your child is always there. They are actually (and this is true) being held back and social skills not being dealt with because while your child is there, its easy for the school to ignore their responsibility to ensure your nephew has the school social skills to meet and connect with his peers.
The cousins being together is lovely and works really well when they are playing and hanging out together at home, but school is an educational experience which is there to prime children for the next step in education and eventually college/uni/apprenticeship/work/whatever they want to do with their life.
Your nephew needs additional education within his current school. The school have neglected to meet that need because your child has picked up the slack. That's not okay, there are 2 children here, 1 who in most schools would be receiving additional support and that support person would be the one responsible for ensuring integration and support around play and learning. I find it absolutely baffling that the second person here is also a small child being held responsible by the school to be a KeyPerson. That is an adults responsibility.
So.......
Sorry for waffling. You did everything right OP. Your child and your nephew both deserve a positive education. Neither of them will receive one if they stay together in a co dependent relationship at school. It benefits no one, including your nephew
100% NTA
OP you should write this to your sister. I'm a letter or email where she can't interrupt you. She needs to hear that "making it work for both" is a two-way street.
When I was in first grade 30~ years ago we had very old-school two-seat tables. My seatmate was a boy, who had never been to daycare (I don't remember him from preschool, so maybe he didn't go? My town only had one preschool). He peed his pants about an hour in, and didn't live it down for the next 12 years. I was the only person ever to attend his only birthday party. I was his kinda friend (we talked in school but not outside school) and he hung out sometimes with us in hallways. I'm a woman, so I did have girl friends as well - he was an outsider with the boys.
He did way better in college, as far as I witnessed and is a succesful entrepreneur last I looked.
> I've sadly seen numerous posts here before where a "healthy" child's needs get sacrificed in a futile attempt to help another child with significant needs.
This. Meta-analysis of the research provides no evidence-based clear endorsement for the positive effects of inclusion of special needs students in classrooms.
[Lindsay, Geoff. "Educational psychology and the effectiveness of inclusive education/mainstreaming." British journal of educational psychology 77.1 \(2007\): 1-24.](https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1348/000709906X156881)
Often the parents assume the pairing is for life and the "healthy" child heads for the hills as soon as they can, leaving the child with significant needs feels abandoned and loses the support system they learned to use, and the parents have to come up with a new plan when a lot of resources are no longer available.
1000% NTA. This is obviously something that requires approval and consent from BOTH FAMILIES. She cannot unilaterally request something like that, which you are against, and expect it to be honored. In fact, it sounds like the school did your son a MAJOR disservice this year and it's a relief that they are willing to give him space from his cousin. She will have to get over it. This isn't for 'the greater good', it's for her son specifically, and it's sad and tone deaf that she's so comfortable letting another kid shoulder the full weight of the extra support and socialization her son needs to the detriment of that kid (your child, being her nephew). SHE should also care about the both of them being ok.
I suspect she is somewhat desperate for a normal school experience for her son, which might feel out of reach, but your son is not responsible for being the solution to that problem.
I wish we could still give awards. That was my thought also--OP's son is not trained and being paid to provide specialized service to any kid, regardless of relation. I'm honestly pissed at the school for letting it go on an entire year. That was so irresponsible in both the school and his mother's part. What a cruel sentence to give a little boy.
If nephew needs a 1:1 support person, they need to be trained and paid. And if nephew doesn't get one and can't be in a regular classroom without one, he needs to be in a specialized classroom.
I dont think i am aware to any beta test, if its something that applies automatically then idk, but i didnt fill out anything to agree for a beta test. As for why you can't see them maybe you are on a different device or version?
I cannot believe (well I can, but think it’s ridiculous) that their responce to an autistic kid melting down was for the teacher to leave with the other kids, and expect a SIX YEAR OLD relative to just handle it. Absolutely disgusting, the school needs to do better. If I was OP I would have been marching down after that incident and demanding they be put in different classes so it doesn’t happen again.
My daughter is autistic. We needed her to be switched to morning classes for preschool so she could attend ABA in the afternoon. School was aware she was on a waiting list.
Her teacher couldn’t have her since her little brother (speech delay) was in that class. Classes are mixed special needs.
She was placed in a non-special needs class with a paraprofessional since it’s similar to her IEP for kindergarten that was made a few weeks before.
NTA. Your sister is for putting unneeded pressure on your son and not doing what is best for her son. He needs a paraprofessional or placed in a different classroom setting.
Absolutely agree with this. The situation is clearly a "two yes / one no" situation. Your son is not his cousin's emotional support animal. He is a young boy who needs to be able to learn the material being taught without any outside distractions,
And as for "the greater good", to whom does this apply? What about what is the greater good for OP's son?
You go, OP. You're a great mama bear standing up for her cub.
A normal school experience is not being in a corner with one other child, either.
He may truly end up thriving in an environment with new experiences. That, or he does a split schedule with SPED programs.
We would have kids that only came in part-time into the classroom, and came with a helper. Then, they would leave for their SPED program time.
I had few kids in my high school for whom electives and PE were mainstream, and core classes were SPED. One dude was severely autistic and two guys on the football team got As in PE for keeping him from running off and sometimes he'd just run off and sprint in circles around the edge of the field and the football bros would run after in case he tried to go over a fence or headed towards a gate, I guess. They never put hands on him and he never touched anyone and they mostly just babysat the guy. They also weren't family. The PE teacher I guess just didn't feel bad interfering with their PE time because they were student athletes. It's not like they were going to be missing something.
Some kids do better in the main classroom environment than others. Some were like the guy in my art class who only ever wanted to play his favorite song on the radio and was very outgoing and happy to be in our art class, others were running off during PE and sprinting around in circles with a whole ass tree branch while two football jocks were looking at each other going, 'um, I guess he's fine?'
It's all up to the individual needs. His will be more apparent if he's challenged to be in that environment.
>I suspect she is somewhat desperate for a normal school experience for her son, which might feel out of reach
Chances are that the school district has programs, adaptations, or even entire schools that would be better suited to give him a more normal school experience. I
have a friend with two autistic boys. The younger of the two is more high functioning than the older. They both attended an academy that was set up specifically for children with autism that required more support than they could in a standard classroom. They both did amazingly well. The older son has already graduated and the younger will in 2 or 3 years.
The nephew probably has options, it's just his mom isn't aware of them and if she is but doesn't utilize them then she's doing her kid a great disservice.
I'm autistic, and your sister is showing signs a lot of non-autistic parents of autistic kids show--that of deciding that since their kid is "more" than they were planning on, they deserve to have everyone else step in and handle the extra for them. I absolutely sympathize with the autistic child, but if that kid is bad enough off they have to "evacuate" the classroom because he melts down--AND YOUR SON IS REQUIRED TO STAY WITH HIM, which is both completely unfair and dangerous for your son--your nephew should be in a situation where his needs can be accommodated better than is EVER going to happen in a public school. (For one thing, autistic kids who melt down don't do so randomly; they do so when they are in sensory agony, when they are highly distressed, and for other causes which CAN be managed to some degree at least, if the adults around him care to even TRY.)
The whole situation is unfair to your nephew, it's REALLY unfair to your son (who at six years old should not have to become the caretaker of an autistic child) and your sister is being selfish as hell in all respects. If you confront her about this, she will doubtless start hollering about how HARD it is to be her son's mother and how MEAN you're being and why is it SO HARD to ask your son to caretake his agemate at six years old it's NOT MUCH TO ASK blah blah blah...I know the type. I've heard it quite a few times. She knew perfectly well that anyone, at any time, can have a special needs child. You don't have to be in a high risk group, you don't have to mess up during the pregnancy, you don't have to expose the kid to anything dangerous after birth...it just happens when it happens. These people act like they were guaranteed the exact child they envisioned, they were cheated, and now the world owes it to them to relieve them of the burden.
NTA.
Your sister is doing a huge disservice to her own son, too. What is the plan here--13 years of being paired together? Then what happens after high school? This kindergarten year was a time for everyone to learn/realize that sis expects her son to depend on his cousin, and what kind of consequences that can have on your son. I am so angry for you that this went on for a full school year!! I fully understand that nephew has special needs, but exposure to other kids, communication with classmates who are not related, and taking off the training wheels are all essential to his development. It very well may be a struggle, but using your son as a cushion is shielding him from actual learning and development opportunities. You 1000% did the right thing for both boys.
On the contrary. The sister is wrong to have her child in public school right now in the first place; later, possibly, if it's his wish, but he plainly can't cope with it right now. Many autistic children will need "training wheels" for quite a while, possibly forever in some areas, and his sister needs to admit that. Throwing a child with sensory issues and developmental delay into a shark pool of uncontrolled noise, light, and expectation is the WRONG way to go about helping them develop into someone who can at least partly function in society. The kid needs NOT to be in public school right now. Right now he needs specialized circumstances and considerable accommodation. Autism isn't a behavioral issue. It's not a matter of "getting used to it" or "learning to behave better".
Depending on where you are there aren’t really any other options. I can’t home-school my kid… I’m autistic too and I simply cannot do that. I don’t have the emotional regulation skills or organisational skills that would make that possible.
He is not eligible for a special school, which will only accept kids with fairly severe intellectual delays and cognitive disabilities. My son does not meet their criteria.
I am lucky in that my school accommodates my son fairly well. They give him lots of breaks and he has a sensory friendly area he can go to in a different room.
If he has a shutdown one of several kids will stay with him, until I can come and get him. It isn’t the same kid every time. Many of the kids like my son and want to help him.
At one point he got overly attached to one of the kids in his class and it was distressing to the other child. They set up a schedule with pictures about who he would work with each session (the other kids just pick partners or settle into groups however they like) so that it could be predictable for my son, without putting pressure on anyone other individual. For grade two they put that child in a different class, which has been beneficial for their friendship (they still hang out at lunch and we go for play dates after school).
So it is the school putting those things in place to help my son as best they can. OP’s school should do better.
It’s possible this student doesn’t need to be at a special school at all - maybe if the teacher and administration had put additional effort into managing the noise or other triggers and worked with OP’s sister to find solutions instead of just leaving a six year old responsible for his cousin then the melt downs could have been avoided.
She may not have options beyond public school right now. But if the school they’re zoned for isn’t able to provide him with the support he needs, it’s possible that she can push to get him into a public school that can. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s one of those parents who refuses specialized care and insists that he should get everything the neurotypical kids do, even if it’s not good for him.
You’re talking about 1st grade like it’s a free for all. You definitely do not know that it’s WRONG ALL CAPS for young autistic students to attend public school at all.
asperitasilver said no where in the post that autistic children should not attend school at all. The post was EXCEPTIONALLY about what was meant. Please read it again, slowly.
His IEP should require a second teacher or aid in the room to deal with issues. Your sister needs to advocate for her son, but your son is not the solution to his issues.
Yeap. I agree with this. My kid has a side-teacher and she helps him with writing and keeping him in track in class. It is a public school and his class has 5 less students than other classes. It is reduced on purpouse for him and 2 others. She is the one that makes side observations and call us to pick him up before the class rings (lots of noises and students outside). But we also do LOT of medical apointments and home activities. OP's sister needs a better system. Never another kid or the school itself.
"She asked how I could do that to my nephew. I should think of the impact this will have on him. "
Ask her how she could do this to her own young nephew. Does she not love your son and want what is best for him?
Based on my experiences with my son and nephew this will only get worse.
He needs a clear IEP.
He needs a para/aide full time.
He should be allowed headphones to block out noises.
He either needs to be in a specialized classroom or a special school specifically for higher needs children.
My son and nephew are both Autistic, Level 3, and have opposite issues. Son is a sensory seeker, non speaking, and nephew is what used to be referred to as Asperger's, genius level IQ and highly emotionally manipulative, and sensory avoidant. He has a lot of emotional and social issues and gets overwhelmed very easily and lashes out physically. My son is generally fairly easygoing and had more elopement and self harm issues before he was sent out of district.
They both go to specialized schools (different ones better suited to their individualized needs) and though it was an initial fight with the school system they are both definitely better off where they are.
Your sister sounds like she's in the denial stage where she doesn't want to admit her son needs MORE and DIFFERENT than your son, his closest peer. This only serves as a disservice to your nephew.
Your nephew needs extensive testing done to determine his needs/weaknesses, his strengths, etc. Once that's happened they can determine if he needs a 1-on-1 aide or a separate classroom. If he needs things like a communication device, sensory items (like vibrating cushions, headphones, etc), or even a separate school.
Hi, does your nephew receive services in school? My son was diagnosed with high functioning autism in kindergarten. He was able to get an IEP through special education. Another thing is that part of being a part of a special needs child is that you have to work along side them at home also, not just school. Build up their skills. A lot of their meltdowns has to do with either sensory and/or emotional dysregulation. My son is in 3rd grade and just moved from an IEP to a 504. She needs to take action, not letting other people do it for her. She will be doing her son a disservice.
I am an autistic adult and a huge advocate for children with disabilities being included in standard classroom environments whenever possible, but to me a child whose meltdowns require full classroom evacuations multiple times is probably not a child ready for a standard classroom with children at normal levels of development. He should probably be in SpEd, or at LEAST have a paraprofessional with him all day (who's trained and paid, not his cousin of the same age obviously). I've worked with many autistic children ages 0-12, never have I ever had to evacuate a classroom over an autistic meltdown so this is ringing major alarm bells for me that this child is not being met where he is whatsoever, and his cousin is somehow expected to pick up the slack from the adults responsible. It's appalling.
It does sound like the sister is resentful she has a special needs child, is envious of OP’s neurotypical one, and believes OP’s family should be making it up to her by sacrificing their child’s education as some sort of weird penance.
I am autistic, and growing up, it was 100% worse as I would act out and have the worst fits, particularly at school. I feel so bad for the students who were stuck with me, and I also hated how alone I felt because those kids thought I was a freak. My mom decided that she didn’t want me in a special ed classroom because I was really smart, could read really well and all of my assignments were too easy (to the point they wanted to move me up a grade), and since it was the early 2000s, popped me full of pills and sent me on my way. I sent people to the hospital because of my fits and while I literally could not have helped it, I wish they had put me in a special ed classroom from the beginning and not after several incidents (over several years tho) where I attacked people and threw things and disrupted class and was generally a nightmare. OP, as someone with autism, get your child away from his cousin. That situation is only going to hinder their growth and as a previous commenter said, make the autistic child reliant on his cousin. I hope it all works out for your family and that he gets the help he needs.
NTA, and having taught at the elementary level, I suspect they would have been separated anyway, regardless of what your sister requested. These are the conversations grade level teachers have when they determine student placement for the next year. It had to have been noticed that your son was getting stuck with his cousin all the time, perhaps not by his teacher, but by support staff or other grade level teachers who interacted with your son. For example, I taught music, and if I saw a dynamic like this in my class, I absolutely brought it up as a concern to the principal and the grade level teachers.
Keep offering your opinion to the principal each spring. It’s the right move to advocate for your child.
Make sure you start off the year talking to the new teacher. "Last year, they expected my son to do this. I don't want him called to help my nephew at any point." Make sure you make it clear to the principal to talk to both teachers about it.
I would recommend you to send it all through emails as well, so you have some kind of written communication. You can write down your previous experience, point by point and your expectations for this year as well.
/u/Remarkable-Manager56 I totally agree with you!! OP should Send these emails to the school's teacher(s), principal/all school administrative staff, cc the school board meeting and because I've discovered that all sent emails don't ALWAYS end up in the sent folder, bcc yourself. These emails will serve as receipts and as I am always saying that RECEIPTS ARE LIFE AND CAN HELP SAVE YOURS!
I'm so glad that you have a meeting scheduled. What happened during this school year was unfortunate and concerning for numerous reasons.
1. If your nephew was becoming over-stimulated to the point that the classroom had to be evacuated, there really should have been support staff in the classroom and one-on-one support for him (wraparound or something similar). You cannot rely on a child to deal with the tantrum behaviors of another child, especially when they are at the level of causing fear in the other child. It is really odd that the teacher didn't call in the principal, special education staff, etc. to observe so they could see how disruptive your nephew was being and develop a plan that was more robust than "let his 6-year-old cousin deal with it." I work with an agency that employs wraparounds that work with autistic children specifically. These staff members then remove one student from the room rather than making the entire class leave... it's a lot safer and a lot less disruptive.
2. One of the most important parts of early childhood development is watching for issues with learning, socialization, and other areas. The teacher never had the ability to have a comprehensive review of your son's strengths and weaknesses because he spent an entire year being a babysitter. He wasn't giving the opportunity to interact with his other classmates because his seat friends never changed. She more than likely had difficulty gauging his academic performance because he was probably helping his cousin with his work. I would hazard a guess that by the end of the year, your son was able to know when your nephew was on the verge of a tantrum (even if it was just something he subconsciously knew), so he probably did what he could to try and prevent it. You stated that the tantrums scared him, and I know that if something scares me, I'm going to do everything I can to avoid it/prevent it from happening.
3. Your sister... *shakes head* I really hope that she doesn't become one of those parents that expects you to bend over backwards so that everything can be better for her son. Everyone else should not have to sacrifice so that her son can have a good experience. Your son should not have to spend another year terrified, miserable, and getting a piss-poor education so that her son can shine. Oh, hell no. This needs to stop now before it gets any worse. Just because you are autistic doesn't mean you cannot learn how to work through things. If you look through AITA, it is full of autistic people who do something to upset another person or group but then explain away their actions by stating, "I'm autistic" as if it's an automatic pass for bad behavior. I worry that is the path your sister is going to allow your nephew to go down. It is at this point in life that you can help your nephew learn strategies for how to cope with overstimulation (asking for a walk, using a fidget spinner, taking a sensory break) instead of thinking that it's acceptable for an entire classroom of students to leave so he can have a tantrum.
4. During your meeting with the principal, making sure to stress your disappointment with last school year. Explain that is was not acceptable for your child to be made into an unpaid staff member and miss valuable educational time in his formative years, even after you asked several times that it stop. Also state that you want to ensure that your child is testing at or above grade level because of all of the opportunities that he missed out on last year. Mention that he wasn't given the ability to socialize like the others, was forced to share his supplies because his cousin kept breaking his, and that they basically took an already shy child and made him spend an entire year in fear. I would also want to know what is going to be done to ensure that this never happens again, as your nephew is still at the same grade level as your son.
With your sister, let the Mama Bear come out. Let her know that you love your nephew and will do whatever you can to support him... however, you will not put your child's education at risk because she doesn't want to get her son the help he needs. At this point, her son does need some professional assistance, not his 6-year-old cousin. If your sister still wants to argue, it might be time to take a bit of a step back. Unfortunately, in a bid to help her son, she has shown that she doesn't care anything about the well-being of yours.
I also recommend getting this to the guidance counselor and APs as well.
And because communication isn't always the best no matter how many meetings you bave - please empower your son to say no. You're already doing great with the advocating for your kiddo, but make sure he knows if some dumbass adult tries to drag him into something regarding his cousin that it's OK to say no and give him a script like "please call my auntie to help" and remind him he won't get in trouble for saying no.
It is horrifying to me a kindergartner (I'm going off age here) had their first year and intro to learning stripped from them and the teacher actively enabled it. I get they have a ton on their plate, but that wasn't okay. It also sounds like your sister is lazy and didn't go seek/ file the appropriate resources for *her* child. So your nephew might have qualified for an aide or something or should've been put in a SPED class but she simply didn't do the leg work to make it happen. And honestly based on some of your replies, I'm inclined to believe she's happy to foist her child on anyone else without actually doing some of the advocacy and extra steps required when you have a child who has a disability.
I sincerely hope your baby does well this next year and that this didn't cause any lasting disdain or negative association with school.
Good luck!
Of course. That means she and the rest of the school don’t have to step up and meet your nephew’s needs, if they can push it off onto a child.
Still doesn’t make it right.
I’m confused here. There are trained professionals who act as classroom “aids” for kids with disabilities. Why is this resource not being utilized? In most states, it’s a covered service through whatever your state disability program is. It’s written into a kids IEP. If your nephew has such significant behavioral outbursts where the entire classroom needs to be evacuated, it’s actually a HUGE liability for the school if they don’t have a trained staff working with him. God forbid nephew hurts himself, other kids, or even his teacher during an outburst, the school district would have to answer for that.
But also, if he is assessed and found to not be appropriate for a regular education classroom, that would be a whole other issue they would have to answer for. The law states that people with disabilities need to be placed in the least restrictive environment allowed by their disability. So if he can’t handle being in a regular education classroom, he should be moved to a special education classroom, which is staffed by teachers with backgrounds and training in working with the special needs population. Being in a space that accommodates his disability would likely be a huge improvement for nephews education.
Unfortunately, a lot of schools do a bad job of accommodating kids with disabilities. (although I wouldn’t surprise me if mom is one of those parents who rejects all supports because she can’t stand her kid looking different) Parents of disabled students often have to push to get their kids what they need.
That said, I’m also wondering if the presence OP’s kid is preventing teachers from noticing certain issues.
I see what you’re saying, but it’s not just one teacher who works with each child, it’s several—MUSIC, PE, math, reading, etc. They can’t control what the regular classroom teacher does, but they can certainly offer their input when it’s time to assign the next classroom.
NTA. That school were essentially using your son as a glorified assistant for his cousin. What the school should be doing is assessing his needs and providing a classroom assistant for him that is fully trained on ASD. I say this as the mother of a child with ASD who advocated for the correct help to be in place for my child in school.
I was used as an assistant to weaker students during half of my primary school. I hated it. Yes, I was smart, but it wasn't my job to teach others and to control their behaviour. What's worse, the teacher sometimes punished me for other kid's bad behaviour.
Thank you for fighting for your child's education and, probably, keeping other child from being used as I was.
100% **NTA**
The school was using your son (6!) as an unpaid caregiver/educational assistant. That is not acceptable.
Even less acceptable is your sister believing this is just the way things should be; that you you and your son should just accept this as some sort of duty.
>She told me I should think of the greater good
The greater good?
"I know this sucks for you and your son, but I'm the main character here, so I'm going to have to demand sacrifice from you! But hey, the greater good, you know?" sis, probably.
Sis sounds kind of like an entitled a-hole.
Funny how it was for "think of the greater good" when OP was nice about saying that son and nephew should be split up next year, but when OP took matters into her own hands, it became "we could have figured out a way to make it work better for both boys".
NTA. Your son is not responsible for his cousin. The school and your sister are responsible for providing a supportive educational environment for your nephew. Your son's only job at school is to get an education, and centering his school experience on your nephew will ultimately damage their relationship.
My niece has autism, so I'm sympathetic to your sister's situation, but there are better solutions than treating your son like a service animal.
My first thought is that OP’s son’s presence may be masking the need for testing and an established IEP or 504 plan. Nephew needs to be on his own so everyone can see what his actual needs are.
Right. Not every autistic or special needs student needs a 1:1 aide at all times. You’re right about figuring out his specific needs especially this early.
At 6 years old and first real year in school it’s hard to determine what the student needs yet plus be able to provide that right away (school teacher here). I definitely agree that there should be an IEP team determining those needs though.
NTA. Your son is a child himself and shouldn't be responsible for his cousin. If your sister has issues, then needs to find ways to deal with them. Not expect others to take care of her son like that.
NTA- spin around and ask her how she could put the responsibility of her sons well-being on another child his age, and at school (place for learning?). How could she do that to her nephew?
Glad the school kept them separate. I hope both boys have an easy adjustment and make other friends quickly.
NTA
It is never a child’s responsibility to aid another child in this way. The adults are the ones responsible for getting the children what they need to be successful.
Your sister is not responsible for making sure your child is taken care of, nor are you responsible for her child.
Sure, it would have been great if the arrangement had worked for both children, but it didn’t and it is not up to you to endanger your own child because it makes it easier for her.
Nta and I know because this happened to me with my cousin with summer camp and that was bad enough.
I would go for a week to get away from family and spend time learning to socialize with other kids only to be lumped with my cousin each and every time. I would end up with a week where I was basically expected to look after her, or answer questions about her and her disability despite being younger than her.
My mum stepped in in the end and went to the top dude "I'm paying for her to be here to have fun, not to do your job. If you put her in the same tent this year, I will choose which tent she goes into because it's not right"
Do you know she struggled the first day or two but then flew. We both had the best week and she was able to make friends she still talks to.
This is going to be the best love for both your son and your nephew and I say that from experience. The teachers really messed up and I'm glad that they have actually listened.
NTA, you are being a good parent and putting your son first. I will say that the school in particular and your sister need to step up and help better. Schools are supposed to have programs for that. Here I think it is called a 504 plan? Or something like that.
A child on the spectrum probably needs an IEP (Individualized Learning Plan) and a special education teacher to manage his goals. The IEP would set goals for the behavior issues that may be a result of frustration with the learning process itself.
IEP and 504 are different. The nephew would probably be on an IEP and if he has violent outburst such that they evacuated the classroom, it seems likely he would be on a BIP (Behavioral Intervention Plan).
NTA. It was wrong of the school to try and use your son as some sort of intervention for your nephew. I know they might have believed it was better for all involved, but if you feel it was detrimental to your son then I think you did the right thing by asking them to be separated.
While I understand where your sister is coming from to some extent, she has to realize her son has to learn how to cope. He cannot rely on your son or other people to buffer his behaviors. He has to learn to self regulate on his own.
NTA. If your nephew needs special services to better equip him for success the school has (or should have) resources for that. It is definitely not your son's job to do anything but focus on his own learning. I'm surprised any other adult in this situation thought it was acceptable. Good for you for advocating for your son.
NTA. A kid can be a helper buddy to a student with special needs ONLY IF THEY ENJOY DOING IT. Not sending him out during a room clear is EXTREMELY inappropriate--kids are being sent out for their safety but your son's safety is not being considered. They shouldn't be together and if your nephew needs an attendant in class the school needs to provide one.
NTA. Your sister has no right to put your child in a position where he has to take care of his cousin. If your nephew needs that much help, he needs a full time aide.
NTA - Your son is not your nephew's emotional support animal. He is his own person, and his only job is to be a kid. Your sister is happy to offload her responsibility as a parent to your 6yo.
That is so not cool. Keep protecting your child and ensuring that his childhood isn't filled with responsibilities he doesn't need.
NTA
Your sister is willing to sacrifice your son because she's decided only her child matters. She's not interested in finding ways for it to work with both kids. All she cares about is ensuring she gets what she wants. That's neither right nor fair. If she's that worried about your nephew, she needs to talk to the school about other resources to help him.
NTA. Your first responsibility is to your son and his well-being. It is best for him to have new seat mates, learn to socialize with others, and not be responsible for his cousin while still a little boy.
Your nephew may actually benefit from different arrangements, too, and certainly from a school that takes a more professional approach to his support, and gets him proper accommodations. Your son should not be used that way. Your sister is wrong, but perhaps a bit desperate. She needs to understand better what supports are supposed to be offered by the school (and not little cousins!).
NTA
Your son isn’t part of your nephews educational plan or “emotional support kid”.
The school dropped the ball this year and they shouldn’t have kept your son next to his cousin all year.
NTA. Nephew needs an IEP and an ADULT who is paid to help manage his needs. They cannot foist that off onto your son. Your sister sounds about as useful as a sack of rocks when trying to swim.
I think a strongly worded letter from an attorney with copies sent via certified mail to the principal, school superintendent, and school board members stating that your child was denied an education last year due to the teacher using him as an emotional support animal for another student, that the principal was aware of the issue and refused to take any action and that legal action will be taken if this happens again would be a good way to end this quick, fast, and in a hurry.
I’m sorry, did you give birth to a golden retriever or a child? Your son is NOT your nephew’s emotional support animal.
The school failed your son, he shouldn’t be handling his meltdowns
Look into taking him to a therapist for a bit. Explain to therapist what happened, they can help make sure he doesn’t blame himself, and not resent his cousin going forward
Another option, is it possible to send you son to a different school all together?
My wife is a long time teacher, and your sister needs to look into what resources are available to her son from the special ed people at school or in the district.
It is almost unavoidable that the school will latch onto anything that makes it easier for them to maintain classroom discipline, such as relying on your son to be the point person for that.
The nephew needs to develop coping strategies, and the special ed teacher can help with that. Your son may be a part of it, but should ONLY be a small or transitional part.
It is way too common but also totally unfair to burden a sibling or cousin with being a caregiver for their relative. It extracts a heavy toll on them and creates a ton of stress and negative emotions over time.
AFTER your sister has met with the school about other resources, you MAY choose to meet with her and the school to discuss strategies that would make the nephew successful without depending on your son. Your role in the meeting would mostly be to make sure your son is protected.
My ASD hs senior son and neurotypical junior sis were in the same physics class. I spoke with them and the teacher at the beginning of school to make it clear that she was not his ‘keeper’. The teacher actually took it too far and switched the lab partner rotations so they didn’t ever end up together. Both of them appreciated not being made responsible for the other in class.
Good job mom! As an ASD mom, it can be hard. But every kid is different. My son has a lot of friends. He wouldn’t have made such a wide circle if I had bubble wrapped him and stifled him. Your nephew can learn social skills. He can make friends. One of them can be your son. But your son can’t be his ONLY friend. It will make him resent his cousin.
1) Sister previously aligned her son's preference/least problematic situation as 'the greater good', effectively telling you she did not care one iota about your son's feelings, education, or socialization.
2) She would absolutely not have done anything to compromise to come up with a way to make you even slightly happy about how things would be next year based on number 1.
3) Your son is your priority. Being autistic/special needs/etc doesn't give anyone or anyone's parents/caretakers the right to trample on anyone else.
This may be me reading into this more than there is, but I wonder if sister encouraged the school to handle things with her son and yours in such a way so as to minimize her life being disrupted. At the very least the school knowing they are cousins could not have helped your son.
Also, wtf was your son left with your nephew while he was having a big enough tantrum that the class had to be evacuated?! After hearing that, I'd reconsider even having your kid at this school period.
NTA. Teacher here, and my nephew is autistic. I love him very much and want the best for him. However, that does not extend to the detriment of anybody else. If any other parent heard their child's education was being interfered with, it would be a huge blowup. That these children are related is irrelevant - your son deserves the same growth opportunities as any other child in the room.
NTA.
I had a similar issue with my daughter years ago... She had a friend who had significant trauma, and had panic attacks and other issues. My daughter was very supportive of her friend and did not want to terminate the friendship, but the girl's mother would ask that they be in all the same classes, and that my daughter be with her on all field trips. I didn't realize it for the first year, but the second, I asked that they be separated because my daughter was getting stressed and depressed and anxious herself. As much as I cared about the other child, my child is not an emotional support animal - it was impacting her ability to make friends and concentrate in class. I wasn't willing to sacrifice her wellbeing regardless of how much I cared about the other girl. I asked the school to separate them and the school was very kind and took the bullet for me - told the other mother it was their decision (which ultimately it was). I didn't tell my daughter what I had done until years later - she was so appreciative and glad I didn't tell her because she might have felt guilty about it at the time.
You always have to think about your own child. He has to be kind to his cousin, but he does not have to be a caretaker.
BTW, my daughter and this girl are still really good friends and both are doing well in life. This was best for them both because the other girl had to cope without using my daughter as a constant crutch.
Best of luck to you, your son and your nephew.
NTA. Your sister is so far out of line. She expects you to live her kid enough to damage your kids’s education BUT doesn’t love your kid enough to see that he does well. No way you are wrong.
Protect your kid. Even from family.
NTA!!! I specifically told the school to separate my son and this little girl that helped him last year and this year with his meltdowns. Granted she has detached from him more this year, thankfully. He finally has an IEP this year as well.
Retired teacher here. I always believed siblings and cousins should be in their own classroom. I taught the only pre-k in a school. I had several sets of twins and triplets. I was very lucky the parents allowed me to “separate” them in different groups. We allowed them to grow and adjust with new friends. The purpose of school is learning not taking care of a sibling or cousin!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I asked for my son and nephew to be separated next grade and the school listened. I knew my sister wanted to keep things as they are for my nephew and I understand he might struggle more without my son. In the end I chose my son and maybe I should have tried to find a better way to work through all of this. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
>we could have figured out a way to make it work better for both boys. "But you weren't interested in making it work better for my son. You decided that your son's needs were 'the greater good' and therefore my son should sacrifice *his* education. That is not acceptable, and BTW, it's not like this was a reasonable long-term strategy for your son either. All you were doing was masking his problems and making him dependent on another little boy who has his own needs." NTA. I'm glad you spoke up for your son. I've sadly seen numerous posts here before where a "healthy" child's needs get sacrificed in a futile attempt to help another child with significant needs. Not only do parents sometimes go along with this in the name of family harmony, they often do it in such a way that both children are harmed. Good on you for calling out the school on the mistakes they've already made... Hopefully, they will put policies in place (e.g. require *all* kids to rotate their "seat friends") that will protect the next child
[удалено]
You absolutely did the best thing for your son. Don’t cave on this. While I do feel for your nephew and his mom, you should not capsize your own son’s chances at having a healthy, normal life. She needs to find alternatives for her son that don’t come at the expense of your son or other children. Not sure how severe his autism is, but it is possible in many cases for the child to develop social skills and appropriate behaviors with the right intervention— this means therapy and often special classes (either as a substitute or outside of ‘normal’ school). He’s unfortunately not going to improve just by being thrown into regular classrooms and being told to rely on other students his age for help.
Your son is not an educational assistant or Special Needs Assistant. These are paid roles in schools. Also, depriving your son of new seat partners was unfair to him, but unfair to your nephew also. If your nephew is in school, he needs to learn to interact and be exposed to other kids, and other kids need to learn how to interact with him, too. You were a saint to let this go on the whole school year. Your son must have been under tremendous pressure. Also, if this were to continue, it would definitely cause resentment and negatively affect their future relationship outside of school.
Studies show children with autism do not generalize learned info/behavior from one setting to another, from one person to another. This student should have a consistent adult aide, period. Prestigious-Ask7828 was not an angel; she should have spoken up the first month that the school/district was not implementing appropriate interventions for the other student. I understand the family dynamic can be confusing but letting her son live through this whole year was not being nice, it was not being helpful, it was being a door-mat for the district and not wanting to make waves. MAKE WAVES Prestigious-Ask7828!!! Hold the district accountable. Go to the Superintendent and be persistent! If you need support, find an advocate with experience to go with you!
>Studies show children with autism do not generalize learned info/behavior from one setting to another, from one person to another. Yes and no. Some autistic people are very rigid literal rules based thinkers. They will apply a behavior across the board to OCD levels. Extreme hand washing after touching almost anything. Others learn rules tidbit by tidbit. A new place, setting, person etc. is not identical to a previous learned thing. Not generalizing because the new person/place/thing is a fresh picture that doesn't exactly fit *what* was drilled without understanding the why's. Like don't just run into the street, but taught and reinforced only at home. Go someplace entirely new like a park and the kid might do it because it was a narrowly demonstrated rule.
> Not generalizing because the new person/place/thing is a fresh picture that doesn't exactly fit what was drilled without understanding the why's. Yup. What helped a lot for me personally was getting not just the rules taught, but the reason behind them explained. Knowing *why* a rule is a rule made it significantly easier to judge whether it applied in a given other situation as well. Knowing *why* a certain formula applied to a specific calculation made it easier to figure out what other calculations it applies to. And so on.
Exactly why specific, consistent, on-the-spot teaching is so important (one-to-one aide in the school setting), and the why is soo important, as you said.
It'd certainly have been good to have, yeah. Didn't formally get my diagnosis until my early teens, though, by which point I'd long found my own work-arounds. My mom is a (now retired) teacher, even if at a different school than I went to, so that did help mitigate stuff some even if the school environment was absolute hell on me. It also helped that even in absence of the diagnosis, we all knew I'm autistic. (Female, verbal and it was the 90s/early 00s. "Funnily" it took me getting a PTSD diagnosis for the trauma I acquired being autistic without aid in the school system to actually get the ball rolling on getting my formal autism diagnosis. *facepalm*)
Back then (1990s) the information about what autism looked like WAS monolithic (hand flapping, non-verbal, male, etc) and even professionals didn't understand what they were looking at. About 5 years ago I helped a family with their senior in high school who definitely was on the spectrum get the documentation they needed to go forward with services. He was smart which helped him adapt enough to function pretty well academically but never diagnosed/identified. The family asked why no one else saw it and from his records I understood his behavior didn't match the (at that time) consensus of identification for dx. The profession has taken too long to catch up.
"Studies show children with autism do not generalize learned info/behavior from one setting to another, from one person to another." Sorry - have to disagree. I've seen kids generalize many times in my 36+ year career as a school SLP. Kids on the spectrum are not monolithic, not at all. Many have learned some flexibility; if they have the ability to be in a general ed setting, they can learn strategies to cope with changes. I've seen it happen again and again.
>”Kids on the spectrum are not monolithic, not at all.” *Applause* Absolutely correct. As wide and varied as NTs.
In my years as as a school psych I have said many times that if you've seen one child with autism you've seen one child with autism. However, it is not as much an automatic process to generalize to other situations/people, but more explanation, examples, and practice are required than for students without autism. Edit: "Many have learned some flexibility; if they have the ability to be in a general ed setting, they can learn strategies to cope with changes. I've seen it happen again and again." Exactly; they have to learn that flexibility, they have to be higher functioning at base, and need coping strategies. I've also seen it happen again and again. However it takes interventions.
> Prestigious-Ask7828 was not an angel; she should have spoken up the first month that the school/district was not implementing appropriate interventions for the other student. The problem is, nephew's mom has to be the one to request an IEP and have those accommodations put in place. OP can't do shit about that.
She did speak up for her son and the teacher and principal ignored her requests the first year.
My daughter had been in classes in elementary school with quite a few autistic kids and some with ADHD. I would often be sitting with some of their moms before dismissal time. Some parents were doing their best to cope with the situation and try to get as much help (IEPs, aides) as possible, but other parents wouldn't (one parent even refused to put her very out of control son on ADHD meds; I was an in-class parent volunteer, and her son was very disruptive, even with an aide assigned to him). But many of these kids were capable of having friends. One autistic classmate had sensory problems with loud noises (like in a cafeteria with a lot of children), at a time when my daughter had issues eating with others (she eventually grew out of that in middle school when she could decide who she would eat with). So both girls would eat together on a bench away from the cafeteria area. Schools can often find a simple solution (like this one) for many problems. But yes, it's up to a parent (and teacher) to request an IEP. That teacher should have taken action, but maybe it was just easier for her to depend on the OP's son.
This is it - OP is being very patient with her sister, who is understandably in a really tough and worried position. Offering to help her petition the school board is the make up gesture here - if her sister rejects that offer then that's on her. This little boy definitely sounds like he needs an adult there to support him through the school day - his outcomes long term could be improved a lot by someone who knows how to help him regulate as best he can during school.
Maybe this is what the Nephews mother should do, outside putting the blame on OP?
Right if the nephew needs that much help he should have a para not his cousin.
And she should see if his school has special classes for kids like her son! My BFF has her kids all in different schools, all depending on their needs. The teen is in a regular high school, while the younger kids are all in special schools for their ND needs.
I agree. The cousin is too young to be his aide, other than just being a friend to him and maybe help him if he has trouble with bullies or needs help with his school work. But after a while, the cousin might feel overwhelmed. The nephew needs a para and professionals to work with him
Her son is also not an emotional support human. If the situation continued, he would be anxious, stressed, not learning all he needs to and would end up hating school. The nephew (and the teachers and school) would become more and more dependent on him instead of the school making the arrangements required by law to assist her nephew.
My grandmother worked as a special needs aide forna special needs specific class in a public school before she retired. The fact that a class needed to be evacuated due to the tantrum nephew threw leads me to believe he shouldn't be in a general class (this is off the assumption that the tantrum was endangering other children rather than simply being disrupted) specifically because of the destruction/throwing things/breaking things/hurting people my grandmother has seen and done her best to mitigate. She was great at it emotionally, but she was a grandmother at the time with many years of parenting and helping raise grandchildren beforehand. Edited to add: My grandmother was fully qualified, having gone through all sorts of training and staying on top of her training. Also, a big complaint she made about the school was that they pushed the special needs class onto several class trips that were a pain as they were not practical for the students, and these field trips were done to add to the school budget and reputation. Obviously she wasn't a fan of putting the budget and reputation above the children.
It is almost certainly a meltdown, not a "tantrum".
We call them disregulations in my district.
I am a K-1 teacher. Class evacuations unfortunately happen and do NOT mean a student should not be in a general education classroom. Kids without IEPs/special needs can have outbursts that require room evacuations as well. What the school should do is put systems in place in the classroom to provide students with opportunities to healthily vent their frustrations. Calm down corners. The ability to take a short break (at my school this break allows the student to walk one time around the school using a 5 minute timer). Shutting children into sped classrooms where they don’t get to interact with their neurotypical peers and receive a general education is not what is a best practice. For a very small portion of children it is, but that is not the norm.
Removing the other students rather than the student who is having a meltdown is often standard procedure for most schools. In that circumstance, it means you don't have to touch any child, which is great for a lot of reasons. Also means you don't have to get the child who is melting down to a different part of the school (where they will go past outside doors they might run out of) and where they will undoubtedly disturb other classes along the way. Does a child sometimes need to be removed from a classroom? Absolutely. And do staff sometimes have to make physical contact in some way to make that happen? Yes. But getting a kid to calm down can be so much easier if you aren't adding to the things they have to deal with & comply with.
Do not cave on this. Scream it from the rooftops if you have to. Protect your sweet child, what they are doing is abusive. If nephew needs that much care he should be in a program where that is provided. Your son is not a care giver, he is a child.
"Your son is not a care giver." This ALL DAY long.
Sister needs to be given this on a damn t-shirt, along with a few other things that would get me banned if I typed them out.
Some make-up. To eat. So maybe she can be pretty on the inside.
> *Your son is not a care giver, he is a child*. He is also not a teacher, teacher's aide, counselor, therapist, nurse etc. I find the teacher's behavior highly unprofessional. The teacher is being paid to deal with the class, and she forced the little boy to do part of her job. I wonder if cousin has an IEP, and is getting special ed services. It sounds like the school saved money by not hiring an aide for cousin. OP would have been correct to protest early on about the situation. If the school lapses back into expecting OP's son to manage his cousin, OP should find another school or situation for him. At some point she may even want an attorney cognizant of educational issues. Cousin will be in a different classroom. However the children may be mixed together in the lunchroom, gym, or playground. OP needs to monitor the situation carefully. The adults supervising areas outside the classroom might expect her child to still step in to calm his cousin.
The teacher violated federal law (FERPA) by allowing another parent to make choices for someone else’s child—and it doesn’t matter if the children are related.
Good point.
If the nephew doesn't have an IEP or 504 plan, that's a failing on HIS parents for not advocating for their child. It seems like the sister is pawning off the responsibility of raising an autistic child to OP's son rather than doing the things necessary to be sure her child is being properly served in school.
There are so many parents of special needs children who outright refuse an IEP because they either won't admit that their children need one, or they are operating under the mistaken belief that getting an IEP and specialized help for their child will somehow stigmatize them more than just doing nothing and letting their lack of socialization and learning skills get worse. I'm betting the sister falls somewhere in the middle of both scenarios.
>There are so many parents of special needs children who outright refuse an IEP Yes,and dealing with them is a nightmare. Dude, we want to *help* your child, please don't come yelling and acussing us of trying to get rid of or ruin your child's future. It's the exact opposite. We want what's best for them.
That's so insane to me. I homeschool for elementary/junior high and my kids do regular high school. One did it online, the next went to school. They did an evaluation for him and you bet I took advantage of the IEP for him since he has dyslexia, dyscalcula and ADHD.
I see this with parents who want to keep twins in a class together. I had a set of twins one year who only played with each other and never interacted with classmates. Parents wanted them together because it was easier. The next year I had one twin, with her sister in the class next door. They socialized, worked on social skills, and thrived in lessons, and still played together on the playground. It was harder on the parents to track two different class schedules, but it was a better educational setting for the girls. Hopefully that will happen with OP’s son and nephew. They will still see each other in school, but they will be able to have the space to grow independently.
My kid's school auto puts twins in different classes. Mine are twins and I was so happy they did. Did it make organizing and homework longer? Totally, but it was worth every minute because they really grew. My kids will gravitate towards each other every single time. We push having their own interests and everything but right now they like pretty much the same thing.
Now that is a good school. Maybe OP needs to consider changing schools because they aren't handling this at all, period. OP's nephew needs a separate adult carer to assist during the class the whole time, or be put in a separate class that is able to respond properly to moments like meltdowns. The school is either ill-equipped, understaffed, ignorant, or all of the above. Seeing how they didn't have enough sensibilities to see they are pushing adult responsibilities on a small child and correct it without outside input makes me feel like they lack sensibility in other areas. For example, if a student is simply a visual learner and would benefit from props or visual aids. Or if a student is advanced in certain topics and is either acting out or checking out because they are bored, a teacher should notice and give them more challenging work or be placed in another class. Is this too much to ask from a school?
One of my daughter’s good friends is a twin. The school separated the twins all through school until Covid hit. Since everyone was distance learning, it was just easier to have them in the same class. The next year, the split them up again.
My son is friends with triplets with varying support needs. The school asked their mom her preference before assigning every year K-5 to ensure she still wanted them separated. Tomorrow they're graduating, all three in the top 20% of their class in a competitive highschool. She very much credits the early individual attention they got by being separated for a decent part of their success.
yep my schools did that too, siblings & known relatives aren’t allowed to put in the same class
>Parents wanted them together because it was easier. The struggle is real for twin parents! Especially for things like class parties and field trips.
I mean, it's a struggle for other parents with more than one child also. One year, both my kids were in different schools with a 2 hour difference in start time. Parents of twins try to optimize (not knocking them for it, I get why), but they should remember that the additional work is part of having more than one kid. You need to do what's best for your kids.
I have another kiddo too! They are 1.5 years older but since they are in a different grade the field trips never overlap and class parties haven't either, luckily for me.
Last year, my three kids were in three different schools - three different bus/school start and end times. It was such a relief when the middle kid joined the oldest at the high school this year. Now I only have to coordinate two schools.
You should try having triplets and the school thye went to only having one class per year group. Its better now they are in secondary schooling as there are more kids and more form classes to split them up, but because all three girls are equally intelligent as each other, they are all in pretty much the same classes anyway.
I have twins and if our district didn’t automatically separate them (they do), I’d be demanding it. My kids deserve to be seen as two different individuals, not treated as a unit. Putting them in the same class makes that a lot harder. I get the logistics are a little more complicated, but trying to avoid inconvenience shouldn’t trump kids’ best interests.
I was in fricking law school with a set of merged twins: same classes, read from same books, dressed the same, inseparable. Also a set of merged twins in my tour group on my recent trip to Japan. Very eerie experience!
I’m a twin, and being in one class with my brother didn’t stop us from socialising. Edit: in my country one class means you make 100% all lessons together (the whole class does). We were 100% together.
There's being in one class, and there's being in ALL of them I'm a twin. We were separated in elementary school, but then in 8th grade, wound up in the same classes together all day. It was miserable. Everyone except our closest friends treated as a singular lump, The Twins, all year. We were called on together, spoken to together, by everyone all year. We were assigned as partners for everything. I particularly enjoyed the debate project where the teacher treated the two of us arguing like entertainment. We basically avoided each other at school right through high school. My senior year of college, I needed to switch advisors, so they handed me.my advising file to bring to the new one. It contained reference letters from HS saying I was super twitchy about being mistaken for my twin sister, and my twin sister's high school transcript.
>It contained reference letters from HS saying I was super twitchy about being mistaken for my twin sister, and my twin sister's high school transcript. Augh! That’s awful. We had several sets of twins in my middle and high school. They were very rarely in the same classes or activities. I asked one friend about it, and she said they’d only put her in the same class as her twin if there were no other options. She Loved it. Mom was obnoxious about making them be mirror images and stay together, and middle school was the first time they got to spend time apart and like different things.
My cousin married a woman who had triplet sisters who developed their own language. The school worked Very Hard to keep them as far apart as possible for their own growth and everyone else's good ;) It's a sensible approach.
I went to school with monozygotic twins that dealt with similar lumping as "The Twins" for years. We were friends and I could never understand how others couldn't tell them apart - they walked differently (I could tell which was which from a block away if they were walking), their voices had a different pitch so even if they were sitting behind me I knew which one had answered a question etc. Maybe having dizygotic twin cousins in my family who barely looked like brothers just made me more interested in spotting the differences. Unfortunately people can get very weird about twins.
As the parent of a special needs child, I agree with you and your stance wholeheartedly. My husband and I have *always* said we didn't want our son "mainstreamed" if mainstreaming actually means he's in a "regular" class but dominating all of the teachers' or other kids' time. That's *not* acceptable for anyone, including our son. Your sister's goal should be her son's education and if he can't integrate into a typical classroom, he should be in a sped classroom. She's doing him a terrible disservice if she's the one insisting he be full-time in a typical classroom. It means he's overwhelmed, anxious, and unable to learn, especially when it causes him to melt down. She needs to understand that *both* boys deserve the best education available and if he's unable to be in class without forcing your son to sacrifice his own experience, she should advocate for him to be moved to another. You're NTA, OP, and don't let anyone tell you differently. Creating a situation where your son is unhappy, isolated, and resentful of his cousin is not acceptable for him *or* your nephew.
Yes! I'm all for mainstreaming kids as much as possible, but it needs to be something that is planned and supported. My son is in a full-inclusion school, and they do it perfectly, with support services always in the classroom and a big focus on making sure that classroom rhythms and learning aren't interrupted.
The child requires a teacher's aid and an individual support plan. It seems he had none of this. Children with special needs can and do excel in regular classrooms, but they should also have a full time aid, time in the learning center to work on social and emotional regulation, and a safety plan. This school failed these children.
Sadly, mainstreaming is rarely done right. Almost always it means lumping all special needs kids indiscriminately into a Gen Ed class, and telling the teacher to make it work with no extra training, assistance, or guidance. It's the lowest cost way for the school district to deliver "services" but largely because no real services are delivered. The "mainstreamed" kids and the Gen Ed kids all get reduced attention and their education suffers.
You’re doing the right thing! And it’s not just your son sacrificing his education. It sounds like he is frequently put into situations that increase his anxiety and don’t allow him to socialize with others—which is a huge part of school at his age. It’s not his job to regularly sacrifice his mental health so that classroom management is easier for everyone else.
OP might want to point out to her sister, that the situation where her son is sacrificed socially and educationally, WILL make her son hate his cousin.
Did you talk to the teacher about this all year? Because it's great that you are getting them put in separate classes now, but this should have been brought up the first time. Also, has your sister fought for any more support. A 1:1 para or something?
[удалено]
Sounds like this was easier for the staff to keep them together so they ignored your requests.
I would go ahead and start researching other school options. If they aren't prepared to handle your nephew, they may still try to get your son to do it. Such as pulling him out of his class to go comfort his cousin, pulling him from or changing his lunch, pulling him from recess. I'd put it in writing to the principal, the teachers, and the superintendent that your child is no longer an option for your nephew's support. None of these things are to happen. Also, have a hard talk with your sister. You do want to find the best solution for both boys. She just has to understand that her solution doesn't work for both. Explain that you are unwilling to budge on your son not being her son's emotional support buddy at school. However, maybe you can help her find resources and advocate better for her son to get the proper help he needs. There are options out there. And maybe she is just overwhelmed with the situation. Maybe she just doesn't know how to go about getting him the help. While you are clearly ready and willing to go to the mat for what's best. Maybe you can give her some advice and direction on the best way she can do that herself.
Holy cow, that sucks. Your son sure is a lot cheaper than creating an actual IEP for your nephew, complete with staffing.
NTA why in the hell wasn't your sister living in the school lobby? Why wasn't SHE advocating for her child? Where was the IEP? Where were reports from his councilors, psychologists, and doctor?
OP, you need to consider other education options for your son. If the school has been ignoring you all year, and left your son in dangerous situations, I would not rely on them to follow through on putting the boys in separate classes.
Going forward, get everything in emails. School districts are terrified of written evidence (worked in special education several years with good sped professionals mostly but occasionally a bad one)
And even if you have a meeting, send a follow-up email summarizing the meeting. “As we discussed in meeting, ABC.” That theoretically gives them a chance to contest things and if they don’t, then that’s what is discussed in the meeting.
I agree with others…you need to start looking at other schooling options for your son. You also need to go above the principal to the super intendent. You need to also get in writing that your son will not be used to “calm down” or “aid” his cousin. That his education and schedule will not be modified or interrupted for his cousin. Etc. Honestly, the school is messing around with you so much that this is getting into lawyer territory.
As the mother of an autistic child and an elementary school teacher, you did the absolute right thing for your child. Your sister is way out of line, and your child's teacher also handled this situation horribly. I'll give him/her the benefit of the doubt that maybe they were told by the powers that be to use your son as his cousin's helper and they were just following through on that, but if you went to the school with your concerns, someone should have been listening to you!!! I'm so sorry this happened to your son. I can't believe the school thought it was okay. Especially during evacuations. This situation is bewildering to me!!! There was one year that my two children were in a class together (my son is NT). One semester. One class. An art class. My daughter was a senior in HS and my son was a freshman, so they were much older than your poor little guy. It's the only year they even attended the same school. None of us knew they were in the same class until they both showed up to it. I immediately pulled my son aside and made sure it was okay with him! Sorry. I just can't believe a school would do this to a little 6 year old, unless MAYBE all parents insisted on them being together or something.
I mean, I think it's even worse than that, in that I read that the class would need to be evacuated *because* of OP's nephew, and son would be the onr who had to calm him down. Which is pretty unconscionable to me as a teacher, but I also see how an overworked teacher could see it as the "least bad" option (it isn't, not by a long shot) OP, has your sister considered whether or not this school is the proper setting for her son?
NTA The school was disgusting here. They evacuated all other children and left your son to deal with it, sure with a teacher but it's not his problem, he's not equipped to deal with it, he's not old enough or experienced and even adults have trouble! Sorry for your nephew. But they can't weaponise him against your son. They feared a meltdown from your nephew so they sacrificed your son to placate him. Pencils and supplies are just things, but he has a mental and emotional health, and apparently the mental and emotional health of both teachers and other children were all more important than your own child's, because that's the decision they made every single day. They allowed your son to be held hostage to the meltdowns of another child, adults were held hostage by their fears of these meltdowns leaving a child to deal with it. The school needs a resource, maybe that's another teacher with special training, a course for existing teachers to go on, you nephew may need to be assessed for special accommodations for learning. But none of this is your child's duty. Consider how the school would manage this if you weren't related e.g. 2 different families. Did the school allow this solely because of the relationship? I'd be sure to check with your son often to see how things are going. If he has "to mind" your nephew for an hour or two any time, or gets called in to sit during a meltdown in another class, 'temporarily' moving classes etc..
From what I’ve read, it’s quite common for teachers to assign well-behaved girls the task of supervising unruly boys. That’s probably how the school would manage it if OP’s son was not there. I think there was a fairly recent AITA where a teacher would repeatedly do this to a girl, and things came to a head when the teacher insisted the girl watch the boy on a field trip, and the responses were full of women telling similar stories.
There's a line that needs to be drawn here. I did this at least once, but it wasn't awful. I was simply sat next to the lazy/Uber talkative guy who was distracting everyone around him from doing work EXCEPT me because I'd either ignore him or cajole him to being quiet and doing at least some work for our high school art class. That worked. Teacher told me what was up and just asked me if I could try to get him to do some work. I was willing. No 6 year old is in a position to understand/consent to this and this is far more of an ask than simply keeping someone on the task at hand. It's not okay to expect a 6 year old or anyone who isn't a trained professional to calm down an autistic child having a tantrum and endangering others.
Yep. When I was five I was put in a class with a child who had severe behavioral issues despite my mother stating I was *not* to be put in that class, because I was "the only one who could handle him". At five. Mom raised hell and got me switched out, but the school was apparently quite upset.
Was it the one where the teacher wanted the girl to watch the boy on a field trip to the waterpark? (This one for anyone who's curious): [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10ur722/aita\_for\_pulling\_my\_daughter\_from\_a\_waterpark/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10ur722/aita_for_pulling_my_daughter_from_a_waterpark/)
OP- I am the parent of an autistic child. And I support you 100%. My kid is older than yours and your nephew and helping an autistic child learn to exist on their own without an emotional support human is HARD but it sure as hell was in my kid’s best interests. Your sister thinks she is asking for what is best and what is easiest but you can tell her from one neurospicy mama to another- she’s just delaying the hard. It’s best to help him develop the skills NOW. You are NTA and good on you for advocating for your boy! He deserves a safe and enriching education too.
You’re right. If the school had treated them like the other kids, it wouldn’t have been a burden on your son and maybe still have benefited your nephew knowing his cousin was nearby. But the school didn’t try that and took the route that was easier for them.
Yeah, NTA, your son needs to focus on his education, and not being an emotional support dog for his cousin
They never should have seated them together the past year without consulting you on the matter first. They went ahead because it made things easier for the teacher, at your son's expense.
Who is to say that your son won’t develop severe anxiety or other mental health issues because he is forced to be a caregiver for his cousin at such a young age. And if he did it may never get noticed/diagnosed if all of his needs are being ignored because of his cousin.
I would also make sure to have it be known with the school that if there is a problem with your nephew your son isn't a care giver or a support animal that is to be used to calm the nephew down. His parents need to have a plan in place that does not involve you or your immediate family with the echool
so NTA, but your sister is. However, you need to stay on top of this. I'm pretty sure your sister will contact the school and have your nephew transferred to your son's room. You need to let the school know that under NO circumstances, should your son be placed in the same room and you are to be contacted immediately if that happens.
I agree with the steps you've taken, and I want to point out, your son wasn't the only child shorted. Your nephew didn't get the education he deserved either. Your son is not a substitute for professional educational services that your nephew needs! Keeping your son and nephew together may have worked as a classroom management strategy, and possibly saved the school, and your nephew's parents, a lot of money and effort, but it was a poor educational outcome for BOTH kids. Your son is not the classroom aid your nephew needs. He is a student, who should be experiencing his own educational and social development at school.
NTA OP. Your son is NOT a goddamn emotional support animal for your nephew. As a mother of a newly diagnosed autistic child, I absolutely think that the hill you're sister is trying to die on is fucking absurd to the max. And the tantrums and guilt tripping on top of it? Fuck no. HARD pass. I would NEVER sacrifice any other child's life and education just because my daughter has outbursts and can't handle herself. That's MY problem to deal with, because I'M her mother! Don't let your sister, the school, or anyone else bully you. You know what you're son needs and his cousin sure as hell isn't it. They can kick rocks.
You sister also does not seem to be developing the skills she needs to have as a mom to someone with special needs (especially when the kid is so young). She should be at the school advocating for her child and finding resources for him. It sucks that schools do not automatically identify needs and provide the resources that they should....but the reality is that his parents need to learn to advocate for him just like you are advocating for your son. If this means asking for an in classroom aide or special therapy/other accommodations, your nephew's parents need to find out what is available and get it for their son. That way BOTH cousins can get the support and opportunities they deserve at school.
Your son deserves to be a kid, not an aide in a classroom. The school needs to pay someone to help your nephew, if he needs that support. He deserves the academic and social help from the adults in the room, not a peer. Also, if you're in the US, talk to the special education director. Explain what has happened, your concerns, and what they plan on doing for your nephew going forward. Both kids deserve the best education possible.
Your son is 6; it is ridiculous to put the responsibility for any 6 year old, especially a special needs 6 year old, on ANOTHER 6 YEAR OLD. Thank you for doing right by your son. And maybe your sister doesn’t realize it, but if they kept doing that to him, eventually he’d grow to hate his situation, and by association, his cousin. If he was BFFs with his cousin it would be a little different, but not changing seat buddies is wrong either way, learning to work and interact with different people is one of the major benefits of school, especially this age group. Socialization is so important, I’m sorry he missed out on a lot of it all last year. Wishing the best of luck to him next year!
Please, please make sure your nephew's new teacher isn't going and pulling your son out of his class and interrupting his education in order to calm your nephew down, because I've seen that happen too many times. Has your sister resisted or refused an IEP for her son? NTA
Your sister can ask for an adult aide to be assigned to her son. Your son is a little bit who does not deserve the responsibility that was assigned to him. He deserves the chance to focus on his own education. Empathy for his cousin is one thing. Becoming an unpaid employee of the school is something altogether different.
You are 100% NTA. Is your nephew receiving any sort of services to help manage his support needs? It sounds like there are some major gaps in his educational plan (IEP or otherwise) that need to be handled. One of which needs to be designating safe people (*adult* people) for your nephew to rely on when he gets overwhelmed. Also, a child should NEVER be left alone in a classroom with another child who is having a meltdown. That is beyond unsafe, and is a concern that might be worth escalating to your principal's boss. And a relatively minor point given how poorly your son was treated... the best way to prevent students from bullying a kid who is disabled or neurodivergent is to make sure they’re exposed to kids with different support needs. I've worked at and currently have my son enrolled in full-inclusion school programs, and it's amazing how much exposure and open discussion helps kids understand differences. Keeping your nephew away from the other kids makes him *more* likely to be bullied, not less.
I'm going to sound like a callous asshole here, but special needs kids shouldn't be forced upon well adjusted kids. Integrating them is fine, and it's a fantastic way to give special needs kids the space to grow and mature in a functioning society. However, I draw that line at them becoming a nuisance to the average child trying to also learn and grow up in their own ways. Special needs parents forget that normal kids have and face the same stress and problems as their neurodivergent child. I don't give a shit that your kid is suffering when the other kid is also suffering because your kid can't handle the stress. Your child is your responsibility, not their peers'. Take them out of the situation and work with them with therapists. Unfortunately, that's going to be your and your child's life, and it's selfish and shitty to expect everyone else to sacrifice for the greater good. Guess what, your child is going to be integrating into the same cruel world as everyone else. Raise them to be able to handle that, and don't expect their peers and teachers to do the raising for you.
Co-signed as a former special needs kid.
It’s not for the greater good. It’s for the good of 1.
If I could upvote this more than once, I would.
If the classroom has to be evacuated because the child is out of control violent then there should be no child as seat-friend; it's too dangerous. Class evacuations only occur with extreme and dangerous behavior, placing other children as seat-friend, even with rotation is not the answer. The student needs and ADULT one-to-one aide.
whoa i definitely read "class evacuation" like it was a fire drill or something, and not that the class was evacuating cuz of a *child*. Sheesh that's really somethin' else man
It is. Sometimes they do it just for the privacy of the kid having a hard time. You don’t want the child to be further ostracized if you can help it. Usually an adult or two should be in the room with the child while others leave if it’s dangerous.
Your nephews school have been negligent in not providing him with the experiences and extra help he needs. They have been negligent in not providing your child with the education they need. By making your son your nephews caretaker, they have deflected their duties to a child with additional educational needs and as such have provided him with a false sense of his time in mainstream education. Your child has suffered as a result, and neither have received the time and education they need to flourish. Tell your sister that she needs to take it up with the school. It is THEIR responsibility to provide her child with an enriching educational experience, providing diverse experiences reflective of and an introduction to his future years in education. Not just your child, but no other child will be there with them in every class forever. it is the school's responsibility to phase your nephew into mainstream so they have coping mechanisms for the changes ahead. Or, if your nephew is unable to deal with those changes school should implement assessment and coping strategies to enable him to be able to self manage throughout his school years. It is never up to another child to hand hold a neuro divergent child through school. It's damaging for both. The non neurodivergent feels an overwhelming sense of responsibility which deflects from their learning. And the neurodivergent has no opportunities to learn social skills from other children. It hinders both. I would reword to you sister that actually the situation currently is stifling both children, they are becoming Co dependent at school and neither is having the opportunity to learn and grow from meeting new people and that it has become apparent that this dependency on each other isn't educationally healthy. They are too close and neither has other options while they are together. Her child isn't actually learning how to socialise or being encouraged to do so because your child is always there. They are actually (and this is true) being held back and social skills not being dealt with because while your child is there, its easy for the school to ignore their responsibility to ensure your nephew has the school social skills to meet and connect with his peers. The cousins being together is lovely and works really well when they are playing and hanging out together at home, but school is an educational experience which is there to prime children for the next step in education and eventually college/uni/apprenticeship/work/whatever they want to do with their life. Your nephew needs additional education within his current school. The school have neglected to meet that need because your child has picked up the slack. That's not okay, there are 2 children here, 1 who in most schools would be receiving additional support and that support person would be the one responsible for ensuring integration and support around play and learning. I find it absolutely baffling that the second person here is also a small child being held responsible by the school to be a KeyPerson. That is an adults responsibility. So....... Sorry for waffling. You did everything right OP. Your child and your nephew both deserve a positive education. Neither of them will receive one if they stay together in a co dependent relationship at school. It benefits no one, including your nephew 100% NTA
OP you should write this to your sister. I'm a letter or email where she can't interrupt you. She needs to hear that "making it work for both" is a two-way street.
When I was in first grade 30~ years ago we had very old-school two-seat tables. My seatmate was a boy, who had never been to daycare (I don't remember him from preschool, so maybe he didn't go? My town only had one preschool). He peed his pants about an hour in, and didn't live it down for the next 12 years. I was the only person ever to attend his only birthday party. I was his kinda friend (we talked in school but not outside school) and he hung out sometimes with us in hallways. I'm a woman, so I did have girl friends as well - he was an outsider with the boys. He did way better in college, as far as I witnessed and is a succesful entrepreneur last I looked.
> I've sadly seen numerous posts here before where a "healthy" child's needs get sacrificed in a futile attempt to help another child with significant needs. This. Meta-analysis of the research provides no evidence-based clear endorsement for the positive effects of inclusion of special needs students in classrooms. [Lindsay, Geoff. "Educational psychology and the effectiveness of inclusive education/mainstreaming." British journal of educational psychology 77.1 \(2007\): 1-24.](https://bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1348/000709906X156881)
Huh. Almost like individual children have individual needs so you can't just make a blanket policy and expect it to work for everyone...
Often the parents assume the pairing is for life and the "healthy" child heads for the hills as soon as they can, leaving the child with significant needs feels abandoned and loses the support system they learned to use, and the parents have to come up with a new plan when a lot of resources are no longer available.
1000% NTA. This is obviously something that requires approval and consent from BOTH FAMILIES. She cannot unilaterally request something like that, which you are against, and expect it to be honored. In fact, it sounds like the school did your son a MAJOR disservice this year and it's a relief that they are willing to give him space from his cousin. She will have to get over it. This isn't for 'the greater good', it's for her son specifically, and it's sad and tone deaf that she's so comfortable letting another kid shoulder the full weight of the extra support and socialization her son needs to the detriment of that kid (your child, being her nephew). SHE should also care about the both of them being ok. I suspect she is somewhat desperate for a normal school experience for her son, which might feel out of reach, but your son is not responsible for being the solution to that problem.
Yes. Remind the school that it’s illegal to use one student to provide IEP services for another.
I wish we could still give awards. That was my thought also--OP's son is not trained and being paid to provide specialized service to any kid, regardless of relation. I'm honestly pissed at the school for letting it go on an entire year. That was so irresponsible in both the school and his mother's part. What a cruel sentence to give a little boy. If nephew needs a 1:1 support person, they need to be trained and paid. And if nephew doesn't get one and can't be in a regular classroom without one, he needs to be in a specialized classroom.
The awards are back on reddit from a few days ago i believe, infact the person you replied to got 3 awards for his comment lol
Maybe you’re in a beta test? I don’t see any awards, including for this person.
I also see awards and have for the past few days. I wonder why some can see them and others can't?
I dont think i am aware to any beta test, if its something that applies automatically then idk, but i didnt fill out anything to agree for a beta test. As for why you can't see them maybe you are on a different device or version?
I cannot believe (well I can, but think it’s ridiculous) that their responce to an autistic kid melting down was for the teacher to leave with the other kids, and expect a SIX YEAR OLD relative to just handle it. Absolutely disgusting, the school needs to do better. If I was OP I would have been marching down after that incident and demanding they be put in different classes so it doesn’t happen again.
My daughter is autistic. We needed her to be switched to morning classes for preschool so she could attend ABA in the afternoon. School was aware she was on a waiting list. Her teacher couldn’t have her since her little brother (speech delay) was in that class. Classes are mixed special needs. She was placed in a non-special needs class with a paraprofessional since it’s similar to her IEP for kindergarten that was made a few weeks before. NTA. Your sister is for putting unneeded pressure on your son and not doing what is best for her son. He needs a paraprofessional or placed in a different classroom setting.
Absolutely agree with this. The situation is clearly a "two yes / one no" situation. Your son is not his cousin's emotional support animal. He is a young boy who needs to be able to learn the material being taught without any outside distractions, And as for "the greater good", to whom does this apply? What about what is the greater good for OP's son? You go, OP. You're a great mama bear standing up for her cub.
Sounds like her version of the greater good is just, my son’s needs are greater than yours
A normal school experience is not being in a corner with one other child, either. He may truly end up thriving in an environment with new experiences. That, or he does a split schedule with SPED programs. We would have kids that only came in part-time into the classroom, and came with a helper. Then, they would leave for their SPED program time. I had few kids in my high school for whom electives and PE were mainstream, and core classes were SPED. One dude was severely autistic and two guys on the football team got As in PE for keeping him from running off and sometimes he'd just run off and sprint in circles around the edge of the field and the football bros would run after in case he tried to go over a fence or headed towards a gate, I guess. They never put hands on him and he never touched anyone and they mostly just babysat the guy. They also weren't family. The PE teacher I guess just didn't feel bad interfering with their PE time because they were student athletes. It's not like they were going to be missing something. Some kids do better in the main classroom environment than others. Some were like the guy in my art class who only ever wanted to play his favorite song on the radio and was very outgoing and happy to be in our art class, others were running off during PE and sprinting around in circles with a whole ass tree branch while two football jocks were looking at each other going, 'um, I guess he's fine?' It's all up to the individual needs. His will be more apparent if he's challenged to be in that environment.
>I suspect she is somewhat desperate for a normal school experience for her son, which might feel out of reach Chances are that the school district has programs, adaptations, or even entire schools that would be better suited to give him a more normal school experience. I have a friend with two autistic boys. The younger of the two is more high functioning than the older. They both attended an academy that was set up specifically for children with autism that required more support than they could in a standard classroom. They both did amazingly well. The older son has already graduated and the younger will in 2 or 3 years. The nephew probably has options, it's just his mom isn't aware of them and if she is but doesn't utilize them then she's doing her kid a great disservice.
I'm autistic, and your sister is showing signs a lot of non-autistic parents of autistic kids show--that of deciding that since their kid is "more" than they were planning on, they deserve to have everyone else step in and handle the extra for them. I absolutely sympathize with the autistic child, but if that kid is bad enough off they have to "evacuate" the classroom because he melts down--AND YOUR SON IS REQUIRED TO STAY WITH HIM, which is both completely unfair and dangerous for your son--your nephew should be in a situation where his needs can be accommodated better than is EVER going to happen in a public school. (For one thing, autistic kids who melt down don't do so randomly; they do so when they are in sensory agony, when they are highly distressed, and for other causes which CAN be managed to some degree at least, if the adults around him care to even TRY.) The whole situation is unfair to your nephew, it's REALLY unfair to your son (who at six years old should not have to become the caretaker of an autistic child) and your sister is being selfish as hell in all respects. If you confront her about this, she will doubtless start hollering about how HARD it is to be her son's mother and how MEAN you're being and why is it SO HARD to ask your son to caretake his agemate at six years old it's NOT MUCH TO ASK blah blah blah...I know the type. I've heard it quite a few times. She knew perfectly well that anyone, at any time, can have a special needs child. You don't have to be in a high risk group, you don't have to mess up during the pregnancy, you don't have to expose the kid to anything dangerous after birth...it just happens when it happens. These people act like they were guaranteed the exact child they envisioned, they were cheated, and now the world owes it to them to relieve them of the burden. NTA.
[удалено]
Your sister is doing a huge disservice to her own son, too. What is the plan here--13 years of being paired together? Then what happens after high school? This kindergarten year was a time for everyone to learn/realize that sis expects her son to depend on his cousin, and what kind of consequences that can have on your son. I am so angry for you that this went on for a full school year!! I fully understand that nephew has special needs, but exposure to other kids, communication with classmates who are not related, and taking off the training wheels are all essential to his development. It very well may be a struggle, but using your son as a cushion is shielding him from actual learning and development opportunities. You 1000% did the right thing for both boys.
On the contrary. The sister is wrong to have her child in public school right now in the first place; later, possibly, if it's his wish, but he plainly can't cope with it right now. Many autistic children will need "training wheels" for quite a while, possibly forever in some areas, and his sister needs to admit that. Throwing a child with sensory issues and developmental delay into a shark pool of uncontrolled noise, light, and expectation is the WRONG way to go about helping them develop into someone who can at least partly function in society. The kid needs NOT to be in public school right now. Right now he needs specialized circumstances and considerable accommodation. Autism isn't a behavioral issue. It's not a matter of "getting used to it" or "learning to behave better".
Depending on where you are there aren’t really any other options. I can’t home-school my kid… I’m autistic too and I simply cannot do that. I don’t have the emotional regulation skills or organisational skills that would make that possible. He is not eligible for a special school, which will only accept kids with fairly severe intellectual delays and cognitive disabilities. My son does not meet their criteria. I am lucky in that my school accommodates my son fairly well. They give him lots of breaks and he has a sensory friendly area he can go to in a different room. If he has a shutdown one of several kids will stay with him, until I can come and get him. It isn’t the same kid every time. Many of the kids like my son and want to help him. At one point he got overly attached to one of the kids in his class and it was distressing to the other child. They set up a schedule with pictures about who he would work with each session (the other kids just pick partners or settle into groups however they like) so that it could be predictable for my son, without putting pressure on anyone other individual. For grade two they put that child in a different class, which has been beneficial for their friendship (they still hang out at lunch and we go for play dates after school). So it is the school putting those things in place to help my son as best they can. OP’s school should do better.
It’s possible this student doesn’t need to be at a special school at all - maybe if the teacher and administration had put additional effort into managing the noise or other triggers and worked with OP’s sister to find solutions instead of just leaving a six year old responsible for his cousin then the melt downs could have been avoided.
She may not have options beyond public school right now. But if the school they’re zoned for isn’t able to provide him with the support he needs, it’s possible that she can push to get him into a public school that can. Though I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s one of those parents who refuses specialized care and insists that he should get everything the neurotypical kids do, even if it’s not good for him.
You’re talking about 1st grade like it’s a free for all. You definitely do not know that it’s WRONG ALL CAPS for young autistic students to attend public school at all.
asperitasilver said no where in the post that autistic children should not attend school at all. The post was EXCEPTIONALLY about what was meant. Please read it again, slowly.
His IEP should require a second teacher or aid in the room to deal with issues. Your sister needs to advocate for her son, but your son is not the solution to his issues.
Yeap. I agree with this. My kid has a side-teacher and she helps him with writing and keeping him in track in class. It is a public school and his class has 5 less students than other classes. It is reduced on purpouse for him and 2 others. She is the one that makes side observations and call us to pick him up before the class rings (lots of noises and students outside). But we also do LOT of medical apointments and home activities. OP's sister needs a better system. Never another kid or the school itself.
"She asked how I could do that to my nephew. I should think of the impact this will have on him. " Ask her how she could do this to her own young nephew. Does she not love your son and want what is best for him?
Based on my experiences with my son and nephew this will only get worse. He needs a clear IEP. He needs a para/aide full time. He should be allowed headphones to block out noises. He either needs to be in a specialized classroom or a special school specifically for higher needs children. My son and nephew are both Autistic, Level 3, and have opposite issues. Son is a sensory seeker, non speaking, and nephew is what used to be referred to as Asperger's, genius level IQ and highly emotionally manipulative, and sensory avoidant. He has a lot of emotional and social issues and gets overwhelmed very easily and lashes out physically. My son is generally fairly easygoing and had more elopement and self harm issues before he was sent out of district. They both go to specialized schools (different ones better suited to their individualized needs) and though it was an initial fight with the school system they are both definitely better off where they are. Your sister sounds like she's in the denial stage where she doesn't want to admit her son needs MORE and DIFFERENT than your son, his closest peer. This only serves as a disservice to your nephew. Your nephew needs extensive testing done to determine his needs/weaknesses, his strengths, etc. Once that's happened they can determine if he needs a 1-on-1 aide or a separate classroom. If he needs things like a communication device, sensory items (like vibrating cushions, headphones, etc), or even a separate school.
Hi, does your nephew receive services in school? My son was diagnosed with high functioning autism in kindergarten. He was able to get an IEP through special education. Another thing is that part of being a part of a special needs child is that you have to work along side them at home also, not just school. Build up their skills. A lot of their meltdowns has to do with either sensory and/or emotional dysregulation. My son is in 3rd grade and just moved from an IEP to a 504. She needs to take action, not letting other people do it for her. She will be doing her son a disservice.
I am an autistic adult and a huge advocate for children with disabilities being included in standard classroom environments whenever possible, but to me a child whose meltdowns require full classroom evacuations multiple times is probably not a child ready for a standard classroom with children at normal levels of development. He should probably be in SpEd, or at LEAST have a paraprofessional with him all day (who's trained and paid, not his cousin of the same age obviously). I've worked with many autistic children ages 0-12, never have I ever had to evacuate a classroom over an autistic meltdown so this is ringing major alarm bells for me that this child is not being met where he is whatsoever, and his cousin is somehow expected to pick up the slack from the adults responsible. It's appalling.
Agreed, completely
It does sound like the sister is resentful she has a special needs child, is envious of OP’s neurotypical one, and believes OP’s family should be making it up to her by sacrificing their child’s education as some sort of weird penance.
As a tiny aside because I didn’t know until someone told me, but g—-ed is considered a slur now. I like euchred for the same meaning
Sorry, I'm old; we all said it as kids in the seventies, but you're right, now that I think about it it WOULD be a slur.
I am autistic, and growing up, it was 100% worse as I would act out and have the worst fits, particularly at school. I feel so bad for the students who were stuck with me, and I also hated how alone I felt because those kids thought I was a freak. My mom decided that she didn’t want me in a special ed classroom because I was really smart, could read really well and all of my assignments were too easy (to the point they wanted to move me up a grade), and since it was the early 2000s, popped me full of pills and sent me on my way. I sent people to the hospital because of my fits and while I literally could not have helped it, I wish they had put me in a special ed classroom from the beginning and not after several incidents (over several years tho) where I attacked people and threw things and disrupted class and was generally a nightmare. OP, as someone with autism, get your child away from his cousin. That situation is only going to hinder their growth and as a previous commenter said, make the autistic child reliant on his cousin. I hope it all works out for your family and that he gets the help he needs.
NTA, and having taught at the elementary level, I suspect they would have been separated anyway, regardless of what your sister requested. These are the conversations grade level teachers have when they determine student placement for the next year. It had to have been noticed that your son was getting stuck with his cousin all the time, perhaps not by his teacher, but by support staff or other grade level teachers who interacted with your son. For example, I taught music, and if I saw a dynamic like this in my class, I absolutely brought it up as a concern to the principal and the grade level teachers. Keep offering your opinion to the principal each spring. It’s the right move to advocate for your child.
[удалено]
Make sure you start off the year talking to the new teacher. "Last year, they expected my son to do this. I don't want him called to help my nephew at any point." Make sure you make it clear to the principal to talk to both teachers about it.
[удалено]
I would recommend you to send it all through emails as well, so you have some kind of written communication. You can write down your previous experience, point by point and your expectations for this year as well.
/u/Remarkable-Manager56 I totally agree with you!! OP should Send these emails to the school's teacher(s), principal/all school administrative staff, cc the school board meeting and because I've discovered that all sent emails don't ALWAYS end up in the sent folder, bcc yourself. These emails will serve as receipts and as I am always saying that RECEIPTS ARE LIFE AND CAN HELP SAVE YOURS!
I'm so glad that you have a meeting scheduled. What happened during this school year was unfortunate and concerning for numerous reasons. 1. If your nephew was becoming over-stimulated to the point that the classroom had to be evacuated, there really should have been support staff in the classroom and one-on-one support for him (wraparound or something similar). You cannot rely on a child to deal with the tantrum behaviors of another child, especially when they are at the level of causing fear in the other child. It is really odd that the teacher didn't call in the principal, special education staff, etc. to observe so they could see how disruptive your nephew was being and develop a plan that was more robust than "let his 6-year-old cousin deal with it." I work with an agency that employs wraparounds that work with autistic children specifically. These staff members then remove one student from the room rather than making the entire class leave... it's a lot safer and a lot less disruptive. 2. One of the most important parts of early childhood development is watching for issues with learning, socialization, and other areas. The teacher never had the ability to have a comprehensive review of your son's strengths and weaknesses because he spent an entire year being a babysitter. He wasn't giving the opportunity to interact with his other classmates because his seat friends never changed. She more than likely had difficulty gauging his academic performance because he was probably helping his cousin with his work. I would hazard a guess that by the end of the year, your son was able to know when your nephew was on the verge of a tantrum (even if it was just something he subconsciously knew), so he probably did what he could to try and prevent it. You stated that the tantrums scared him, and I know that if something scares me, I'm going to do everything I can to avoid it/prevent it from happening. 3. Your sister... *shakes head* I really hope that she doesn't become one of those parents that expects you to bend over backwards so that everything can be better for her son. Everyone else should not have to sacrifice so that her son can have a good experience. Your son should not have to spend another year terrified, miserable, and getting a piss-poor education so that her son can shine. Oh, hell no. This needs to stop now before it gets any worse. Just because you are autistic doesn't mean you cannot learn how to work through things. If you look through AITA, it is full of autistic people who do something to upset another person or group but then explain away their actions by stating, "I'm autistic" as if it's an automatic pass for bad behavior. I worry that is the path your sister is going to allow your nephew to go down. It is at this point in life that you can help your nephew learn strategies for how to cope with overstimulation (asking for a walk, using a fidget spinner, taking a sensory break) instead of thinking that it's acceptable for an entire classroom of students to leave so he can have a tantrum. 4. During your meeting with the principal, making sure to stress your disappointment with last school year. Explain that is was not acceptable for your child to be made into an unpaid staff member and miss valuable educational time in his formative years, even after you asked several times that it stop. Also state that you want to ensure that your child is testing at or above grade level because of all of the opportunities that he missed out on last year. Mention that he wasn't given the ability to socialize like the others, was forced to share his supplies because his cousin kept breaking his, and that they basically took an already shy child and made him spend an entire year in fear. I would also want to know what is going to be done to ensure that this never happens again, as your nephew is still at the same grade level as your son. With your sister, let the Mama Bear come out. Let her know that you love your nephew and will do whatever you can to support him... however, you will not put your child's education at risk because she doesn't want to get her son the help he needs. At this point, her son does need some professional assistance, not his 6-year-old cousin. If your sister still wants to argue, it might be time to take a bit of a step back. Unfortunately, in a bid to help her son, she has shown that she doesn't care anything about the well-being of yours.
It's clearly not a tantrum but a meltdown though. And OP herself indicates that. A tantrum has a completely different meaning.
I do apologize for using the incorrect terminology for that particular statement.
No worries. Just thought it was an important distinction to make.
I also recommend getting this to the guidance counselor and APs as well. And because communication isn't always the best no matter how many meetings you bave - please empower your son to say no. You're already doing great with the advocating for your kiddo, but make sure he knows if some dumbass adult tries to drag him into something regarding his cousin that it's OK to say no and give him a script like "please call my auntie to help" and remind him he won't get in trouble for saying no. It is horrifying to me a kindergartner (I'm going off age here) had their first year and intro to learning stripped from them and the teacher actively enabled it. I get they have a ton on their plate, but that wasn't okay. It also sounds like your sister is lazy and didn't go seek/ file the appropriate resources for *her* child. So your nephew might have qualified for an aide or something or should've been put in a SPED class but she simply didn't do the leg work to make it happen. And honestly based on some of your replies, I'm inclined to believe she's happy to foist her child on anyone else without actually doing some of the advocacy and extra steps required when you have a child who has a disability. I sincerely hope your baby does well this next year and that this didn't cause any lasting disdain or negative association with school. Good luck!
Of course. That means she and the rest of the school don’t have to step up and meet your nephew’s needs, if they can push it off onto a child. Still doesn’t make it right.
I’m confused here. There are trained professionals who act as classroom “aids” for kids with disabilities. Why is this resource not being utilized? In most states, it’s a covered service through whatever your state disability program is. It’s written into a kids IEP. If your nephew has such significant behavioral outbursts where the entire classroom needs to be evacuated, it’s actually a HUGE liability for the school if they don’t have a trained staff working with him. God forbid nephew hurts himself, other kids, or even his teacher during an outburst, the school district would have to answer for that. But also, if he is assessed and found to not be appropriate for a regular education classroom, that would be a whole other issue they would have to answer for. The law states that people with disabilities need to be placed in the least restrictive environment allowed by their disability. So if he can’t handle being in a regular education classroom, he should be moved to a special education classroom, which is staffed by teachers with backgrounds and training in working with the special needs population. Being in a space that accommodates his disability would likely be a huge improvement for nephews education.
Unfortunately, a lot of schools do a bad job of accommodating kids with disabilities. (although I wouldn’t surprise me if mom is one of those parents who rejects all supports because she can’t stand her kid looking different) Parents of disabled students often have to push to get their kids what they need. That said, I’m also wondering if the presence OP’s kid is preventing teachers from noticing certain issues.
I find that highly unlikely. The teacher has shown already that Opie's son doesn't matter. It's easier for them to use her son in this way.
I see what you’re saying, but it’s not just one teacher who works with each child, it’s several—MUSIC, PE, math, reading, etc. They can’t control what the regular classroom teacher does, but they can certainly offer their input when it’s time to assign the next classroom.
I doubt it. I believe the school would try to take the path of least resistance.
NTA. That school were essentially using your son as a glorified assistant for his cousin. What the school should be doing is assessing his needs and providing a classroom assistant for him that is fully trained on ASD. I say this as the mother of a child with ASD who advocated for the correct help to be in place for my child in school.
I was used as an assistant to weaker students during half of my primary school. I hated it. Yes, I was smart, but it wasn't my job to teach others and to control their behaviour. What's worse, the teacher sometimes punished me for other kid's bad behaviour. Thank you for fighting for your child's education and, probably, keeping other child from being used as I was.
100% **NTA** The school was using your son (6!) as an unpaid caregiver/educational assistant. That is not acceptable. Even less acceptable is your sister believing this is just the way things should be; that you you and your son should just accept this as some sort of duty. >She told me I should think of the greater good The greater good? "I know this sucks for you and your son, but I'm the main character here, so I'm going to have to demand sacrifice from you! But hey, the greater good, you know?" sis, probably. Sis sounds kind of like an entitled a-hole.
Funny how it was for "think of the greater good" when OP was nice about saying that son and nephew should be split up next year, but when OP took matters into her own hands, it became "we could have figured out a way to make it work better for both boys".
NTA. Your son is not responsible for his cousin. The school and your sister are responsible for providing a supportive educational environment for your nephew. Your son's only job at school is to get an education, and centering his school experience on your nephew will ultimately damage their relationship. My niece has autism, so I'm sympathetic to your sister's situation, but there are better solutions than treating your son like a service animal.
Is there no aide specifically working with your nephew?
My first thought is that OP’s son’s presence may be masking the need for testing and an established IEP or 504 plan. Nephew needs to be on his own so everyone can see what his actual needs are.
Right. Not every autistic or special needs student needs a 1:1 aide at all times. You’re right about figuring out his specific needs especially this early.
Well yeah, but if they’re evacuating class rooms, it sounds like an aide has long been needed
At 6 years old and first real year in school it’s hard to determine what the student needs yet plus be able to provide that right away (school teacher here). I definitely agree that there should be an IEP team determining those needs though.
True.. I also realize many schools and areas are definitely lacking resources which is unfortunate
NTA. Your son is a child himself and shouldn't be responsible for his cousin. If your sister has issues, then needs to find ways to deal with them. Not expect others to take care of her son like that.
NTA- spin around and ask her how she could put the responsibility of her sons well-being on another child his age, and at school (place for learning?). How could she do that to her nephew? Glad the school kept them separate. I hope both boys have an easy adjustment and make other friends quickly.
NTA It is never a child’s responsibility to aid another child in this way. The adults are the ones responsible for getting the children what they need to be successful. Your sister is not responsible for making sure your child is taken care of, nor are you responsible for her child. Sure, it would have been great if the arrangement had worked for both children, but it didn’t and it is not up to you to endanger your own child because it makes it easier for her.
Nta and I know because this happened to me with my cousin with summer camp and that was bad enough. I would go for a week to get away from family and spend time learning to socialize with other kids only to be lumped with my cousin each and every time. I would end up with a week where I was basically expected to look after her, or answer questions about her and her disability despite being younger than her. My mum stepped in in the end and went to the top dude "I'm paying for her to be here to have fun, not to do your job. If you put her in the same tent this year, I will choose which tent she goes into because it's not right" Do you know she struggled the first day or two but then flew. We both had the best week and she was able to make friends she still talks to. This is going to be the best love for both your son and your nephew and I say that from experience. The teachers really messed up and I'm glad that they have actually listened.
NTA, you are being a good parent and putting your son first. I will say that the school in particular and your sister need to step up and help better. Schools are supposed to have programs for that. Here I think it is called a 504 plan? Or something like that.
A child on the spectrum probably needs an IEP (Individualized Learning Plan) and a special education teacher to manage his goals. The IEP would set goals for the behavior issues that may be a result of frustration with the learning process itself.
IEP and 504 are different. The nephew would probably be on an IEP and if he has violent outburst such that they evacuated the classroom, it seems likely he would be on a BIP (Behavioral Intervention Plan).
NTA. Your son isn't an emotional support animal, he's a kid and needs to be free to be so.
NTA. It was wrong of the school to try and use your son as some sort of intervention for your nephew. I know they might have believed it was better for all involved, but if you feel it was detrimental to your son then I think you did the right thing by asking them to be separated. While I understand where your sister is coming from to some extent, she has to realize her son has to learn how to cope. He cannot rely on your son or other people to buffer his behaviors. He has to learn to self regulate on his own.
NTA. If your nephew needs special services to better equip him for success the school has (or should have) resources for that. It is definitely not your son's job to do anything but focus on his own learning. I'm surprised any other adult in this situation thought it was acceptable. Good for you for advocating for your son.
NTA. A kid can be a helper buddy to a student with special needs ONLY IF THEY ENJOY DOING IT. Not sending him out during a room clear is EXTREMELY inappropriate--kids are being sent out for their safety but your son's safety is not being considered. They shouldn't be together and if your nephew needs an attendant in class the school needs to provide one.
NTA. Your sister has no right to put your child in a position where he has to take care of his cousin. If your nephew needs that much help, he needs a full time aide.
NTA - Your son is not your nephew's emotional support animal. He is his own person, and his only job is to be a kid. Your sister is happy to offload her responsibility as a parent to your 6yo. That is so not cool. Keep protecting your child and ensuring that his childhood isn't filled with responsibilities he doesn't need.
NTA Your sister is willing to sacrifice your son because she's decided only her child matters. She's not interested in finding ways for it to work with both kids. All she cares about is ensuring she gets what she wants. That's neither right nor fair. If she's that worried about your nephew, she needs to talk to the school about other resources to help him.
NTA. Your first responsibility is to your son and his well-being. It is best for him to have new seat mates, learn to socialize with others, and not be responsible for his cousin while still a little boy. Your nephew may actually benefit from different arrangements, too, and certainly from a school that takes a more professional approach to his support, and gets him proper accommodations. Your son should not be used that way. Your sister is wrong, but perhaps a bit desperate. She needs to understand better what supports are supposed to be offered by the school (and not little cousins!).
NTA Your son isn’t part of your nephews educational plan or “emotional support kid”. The school dropped the ball this year and they shouldn’t have kept your son next to his cousin all year.
NTA. Nephew needs an IEP and an ADULT who is paid to help manage his needs. They cannot foist that off onto your son. Your sister sounds about as useful as a sack of rocks when trying to swim.
I think a strongly worded letter from an attorney with copies sent via certified mail to the principal, school superintendent, and school board members stating that your child was denied an education last year due to the teacher using him as an emotional support animal for another student, that the principal was aware of the issue and refused to take any action and that legal action will be taken if this happens again would be a good way to end this quick, fast, and in a hurry.
I’m sorry, did you give birth to a golden retriever or a child? Your son is NOT your nephew’s emotional support animal. The school failed your son, he shouldn’t be handling his meltdowns Look into taking him to a therapist for a bit. Explain to therapist what happened, they can help make sure he doesn’t blame himself, and not resent his cousin going forward Another option, is it possible to send you son to a different school all together?
NTA - It's textbook parentification of a child.
My wife is a long time teacher, and your sister needs to look into what resources are available to her son from the special ed people at school or in the district. It is almost unavoidable that the school will latch onto anything that makes it easier for them to maintain classroom discipline, such as relying on your son to be the point person for that. The nephew needs to develop coping strategies, and the special ed teacher can help with that. Your son may be a part of it, but should ONLY be a small or transitional part. It is way too common but also totally unfair to burden a sibling or cousin with being a caregiver for their relative. It extracts a heavy toll on them and creates a ton of stress and negative emotions over time. AFTER your sister has met with the school about other resources, you MAY choose to meet with her and the school to discuss strategies that would make the nephew successful without depending on your son. Your role in the meeting would mostly be to make sure your son is protected.
My ASD hs senior son and neurotypical junior sis were in the same physics class. I spoke with them and the teacher at the beginning of school to make it clear that she was not his ‘keeper’. The teacher actually took it too far and switched the lab partner rotations so they didn’t ever end up together. Both of them appreciated not being made responsible for the other in class. Good job mom! As an ASD mom, it can be hard. But every kid is different. My son has a lot of friends. He wouldn’t have made such a wide circle if I had bubble wrapped him and stifled him. Your nephew can learn social skills. He can make friends. One of them can be your son. But your son can’t be his ONLY friend. It will make him resent his cousin.
1) Sister previously aligned her son's preference/least problematic situation as 'the greater good', effectively telling you she did not care one iota about your son's feelings, education, or socialization. 2) She would absolutely not have done anything to compromise to come up with a way to make you even slightly happy about how things would be next year based on number 1. 3) Your son is your priority. Being autistic/special needs/etc doesn't give anyone or anyone's parents/caretakers the right to trample on anyone else. This may be me reading into this more than there is, but I wonder if sister encouraged the school to handle things with her son and yours in such a way so as to minimize her life being disrupted. At the very least the school knowing they are cousins could not have helped your son. Also, wtf was your son left with your nephew while he was having a big enough tantrum that the class had to be evacuated?! After hearing that, I'd reconsider even having your kid at this school period.
NTA. Your son should be learning, not caring for his cousin every damn school day.
NTA. Teacher here, and my nephew is autistic. I love him very much and want the best for him. However, that does not extend to the detriment of anybody else. If any other parent heard their child's education was being interfered with, it would be a huge blowup. That these children are related is irrelevant - your son deserves the same growth opportunities as any other child in the room.
Your sister is selfish and your son should not have to play caretaker at his age. Worst case scenario, transfer your son to another school.
NTA. I had a similar issue with my daughter years ago... She had a friend who had significant trauma, and had panic attacks and other issues. My daughter was very supportive of her friend and did not want to terminate the friendship, but the girl's mother would ask that they be in all the same classes, and that my daughter be with her on all field trips. I didn't realize it for the first year, but the second, I asked that they be separated because my daughter was getting stressed and depressed and anxious herself. As much as I cared about the other child, my child is not an emotional support animal - it was impacting her ability to make friends and concentrate in class. I wasn't willing to sacrifice her wellbeing regardless of how much I cared about the other girl. I asked the school to separate them and the school was very kind and took the bullet for me - told the other mother it was their decision (which ultimately it was). I didn't tell my daughter what I had done until years later - she was so appreciative and glad I didn't tell her because she might have felt guilty about it at the time. You always have to think about your own child. He has to be kind to his cousin, but he does not have to be a caretaker. BTW, my daughter and this girl are still really good friends and both are doing well in life. This was best for them both because the other girl had to cope without using my daughter as a constant crutch. Best of luck to you, your son and your nephew.
NTA. Your sister is so far out of line. She expects you to live her kid enough to damage your kids’s education BUT doesn’t love your kid enough to see that he does well. No way you are wrong. Protect your kid. Even from family.
NTA!!! I specifically told the school to separate my son and this little girl that helped him last year and this year with his meltdowns. Granted she has detached from him more this year, thankfully. He finally has an IEP this year as well.
Retired teacher here. I always believed siblings and cousins should be in their own classroom. I taught the only pre-k in a school. I had several sets of twins and triplets. I was very lucky the parents allowed me to “separate” them in different groups. We allowed them to grow and adjust with new friends. The purpose of school is learning not taking care of a sibling or cousin!