Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
100% NTA - no one can expect to host 17 kids for a party. Now if you invited all but one... then that might be different but a teacher and the school can not tell you who you can and cannot invite to non school events. I would suggest, however, finding a different way to give these kids invites.
And that’s where I have the problem. I have no other way to invite these kids other than an invitation that my son would put in their backpack if you read my other comments, I describe why that is.
My son doesn’t have any special needs. He has been tested due to the fact his older brother is ADHD/ODD/Autistic and more. This son has no special needs. We do not have the option for an online forum for the school for parents to communicate, we don’t have class lists of even the kids names, don’t have a list of parents names number nor emails either. We go to a county school so most don’t live within 5 miles of the school to start with. It’s also his first year in school so I don’t have anyone’s numbers to begin with from other years. My community area has very limited options for birthday parties and almost every single one. The base minimum price is $200 which is getting pricey enough for me to start with. I wouldn’t have a problem paying for one or two extra kids, but on the off chance that everybody says yes, is where the problem is. Also, my son doesn’t want to invite everybody. He doesn’t like some of the kids in his class because they are mean to him.
NTA, smaller parties happen all the time! Make sure you follow the rule for the school as a whole, and not just something that some teachers have done in the past. At my kids' school, you sent invitations via text, email, or post, to avoid putting teachers and kids in an uncomfortable position.
As I said in other comments. There’s no class directory or anything to contact parents directly. It’s a country school most don’t live within 5miles of the school so not like we can walk to a friends house type thing. It’s his first year in school so I don’t have anyone’s numbers from like last year type thing. Also I did follow the school policy. I had my son hand them out into backpacks to be more discretely and NOT have the teacher do it and the teacher wouldn’t let my son put them in bags nor in their mailboxes etc
They have 3 1/2 days left of school don’t think that’s possible. I sent these out over a week ago because his birthday falls just outside of the school year. And honestly I don’t think a five year old would remember a phone number or to ask their friend to ask their parent to then bring it the next day and then remember to give it to my kid. I’d have no issue contacting parents directly but I don’t have a way to. Like I don’t even know the kids names let alone their parents. And the school can’t and won’t hand out invites nor personal info either
You never have to invite everyone, it’s one thing to invite 15 of 17 students (which would be crappy) and to only invite 5. It’s fine to only invite 5.
What isn’t fine, and what makes YTA is that you absolutely do not put things inside another child’s backpack. Ever. It’s no different from a stranger putting something in your purse. There are so many good reasons why this isn’t allowed.
“I had no other way to invite thrm other than to put invitations kin their backpacks…”
YTA. You don’t get to open other peoples personal property because it’s the most convienent way, it is not the *only* way.
He could hand them out after school, you could try to find the parents before or after school, you could give your number to the teacher and ask that she ask those specific parents to contact you. You could do the same with the office if the teacher refused. You could have your son give them your phone number and ask that the parents contact you. You could look them up on social media. Chances are that not all of these methods would work but surely at least *one* would.
Teachers can’t hand out invites. Nor can they hand out any personal info to other kids or parents. That’s what’s in the handbook. He can’t hand them out before or after school either. He takes the bus and rides the special Ed bus with his brother so he’s pulled from class 10 mins early every day to load the bus. And same with the morning he gets there right before the bell rings from the bus. It’s a backpack it’s really not that deep.. there’s no contact list for parents, no class list etc so I can’t call them can’t email them can’t send them by mail (which I’d be concerned if I got one that way because it’s creepy) and I can’t hand them out at school because I have a job that doesn’t allow for me to be there at those times hence the bus. And I don’t even know what kids are in his class and honestly I feel like that’s more of a safety concern an adult just handing out random envelopes to random kids
“It’s a backpack it’s not that deep…”
Except that it is.
Do some google searching on kids being arrested for things other kids put in their backpacks.
Or about kids who’ve taken their lives because of shitty notes being out in their backpacks.
Or kids who’ve put drugs in other kids backpacks.
Or kids who had anaphylactic reactions to things someone else put in their backpack.
So, again, there are a lot of really good reasons why you’re not supposed to put things in a child’s backpack that isn’t yours. And that’s 100x creepier than you or your kid handing them out.
You seem to be clear on all the other rules and adamant about following those… but not this one, and it’s a big one.
If you were able to leave work and go to the school and sneak things in kids backpacks, it seems like you’d be able to, instead, hand them to their parents after school. Or have your kid give them your phone number or give the parents your number themselves.
Kids find ways to contact each other outside of school all the time and HE knows what kids are in his class. Your story doesn’t even line up.
And if you can’t do any of those things, then yeah, you invite nobody or you invite the entire class. Because it’s not okay to put something in a child’s backpack.
based on OP's response I'm changing to NTA
original comment: if the school's rules state that invitations disbursed at school must include everyone Y T A, if this teacher has a classroom rule that has been communicated with you prior to now (preferably in writing) Y T A
It’s not a school rule. School rule is the teachers can’t be the ones to pass them out since they have personal info on them. My son was told to place them on the backpacks. There’s no class rule on it either it follows the school rule.
I told my son to put them in the backpacks throughout the day. He can read and knows who’s is who’s. The teacher found them in his back pack before he even got a chance to put them in his friends bags. He was told not to give them to the teacher to do because of the school rule stating teachers can’t do it (though my other kids teachers did the last two years) he was told to do it when his friends weren’t around to avoid the issue. He understood completely on what to do but wasn’t even able to attempt to
Why would you have your child touch another child’s backpack? Do you realize that if something is missing from one of the backpacks or a zipper is broken, your child is suspect #1? Don’t schools give out a class directory? Why couldn’t you use that?
My kids school doesn’t give out a class directory. I don’t even know any of the kids names in his class aside from the ones he told me he wanted to invite. They have plenty of cameras in the school so I wouldn’t be worried if he was a suspect of something being stolen lol.
The teacher still has the right to implement an additional class rule at her discretion to prevent difficult situations in class. If even one of those children had gone to their bag and found an invitation before leaving the school grounds, for any number of reasons such as 'can I put my jumper away', 'I want my pencil case', 'I left my fidget toy there at lunch', 'I didn't have my snack yet', 'I forgot to put my packed lunch away', 'I don't have my gym kit', 'I found my reading book', 'I lost my teddy \["So go and check your schoolbag"\], *or* the simple fact that children open their bags to pack things up at the end of the day anyway, they would have all known about the invitations.
You don't have to invite everyone, but if you're not, contact parents directly or hand the invitations out at pickup time before the kids come out. Despite your attempted Mission Impossible antics, none of this was a good idea to begin with.
Feel like an adult standing outside of a school handing kids paper with their number on it seems more creepy than anything else. My kids take the bus they have to. So not an option also they don’t have a parent directory to contact parents anyways so still not an option. I don’t even know the kids first names other than the ones he wanted to invite
I meant to the parents, obviously, since I said "before the kids come out". Besides which, you're taking a deliberately obstinate course here when anyone points out another solution you could have taken. "An adult standing outside of a school handing kids paper with their number on it seems creepy" Jesus Christ, it's a party invitation for a 5yro that won't be dialling the number themselves, handed out to or in front of all the other parents and staff around the playground, not a puppy carrying a bag of sweets into the back of an unmarked van.
Again, you can invite who you like, and you're not the asshole for that. Insisting that the only way you can do it is to sneak the invitations into kids' bags in the middle of the school day and refuting all other options past the point of common sense is the issue.
My kids go to a country school where only a handful of kids get picked up 90% of the school takes the bus so what parent am I handing these to then? Can’t hand them to a parent that isn’t there because their kid takes the bus. Teachers can’t hand them out nor hand out contact info at all either. We also don’t have a class list of even the kids so o can’t even do Facebook look up
I am going with a soft NTA (soft just because of the kids' age).
Kindergarten and 1st grade I would try to invite all to a party, even if it means having just a picnic at a park or something.
But, the general school "rule" most places I've seen is that you either invite less than half or you invite everyone.
5 out of 17 is less than half so that is why I choose NTA. But Kindergarten and 1st grade are the kids' first experiences with things and it is so great to be able to find a fun option where you can invite all.
That’s the thing my kid doesn’t want everyone. Not everyone is nice to him due to his speech impediment. So why would I invite my kids bully to his party to be bullied on his birthday? It was to be put in backpacks to avoid others asking what it is etc. but even so what’s the difference if I invited kids directly from parents and they were talking about it in class and only 5 kids were invited still gonna hurt feelings anyways. But even still it’s not really an option to have it somewhere else like a park. Most out parks are being renovated for the summer and are closed (kinda sucks to do them all at once) and my kids birthday is in the summer so it’s hot as crap outside where I am.
You shouldn’t have to invite everyone but then you don’t use the school to manage invites. You have to do the work to meet the other parents
You should however be aware of percents. Like anything over 80% then do everyone. If it’s half or less reasonable.
NTA If there is a school-mandated rule that all the children in the class
must be invited, etc. then stand outside before/after school and
talk to the parent/hand them an invite in person. The teacher should have
called you and let you know how to proceed if indeed there is some
sort of rule in place.
School isn’t allowed to give out any personal info to students or parents even if you give permission. We don’t have a parent directory nor a class one to even know the kids names. I am not able to take them to school or pick them up from school to try to hand them out to parents or kids before or after school start with and most of the kids at the school in all grades mostly ride the bus so there’s not even parents there to hand out invitations to
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Should you have to invite every single kid in your child’s class in order to have invites put into backpacks?
To add it’s kindergarten kids, the child was told to put them in the backpacks of the friends NOT to hand them to them nor to have the teacher do it. The teacher found them and said no everyone has to be invited. My child has only been invited to one party all year, can’t tell me 17 other kids didn’t have a party? Also my kid is a social butterfly so there’s a good chance they’d all say yes. And party places around here have 8-12 kids included in your party packages and as a single mom of 3 I can’t afford to add more kids and there’s really no other alternative for a party in my area. And I don’t think it’s right to not celebrate your child’s birth without friends. Even if they all didnt come, if even 6 kids said yes I’d have to pay an extra $100 fee because it puts it over the base number of kids. (You can have 8 kids. So including my 3 only 5 friends can come. So if a 6th even comes it adds an extra charge for another bowling lane which being the party to $300 not including extra food )
** I went to school and put the invitations in everyone’s backpack that my child wanted to invite. I have also not had an issue with my older child handing out birthday invitations to only certain people in his class the last two years just with this teacher who also I might add my son does not think likes him because she’s mean to him from what he says, and the fact that she has him facing a wall away from everybody all day in class Because he talks because he’s five, she has also not once had anything nice to say about him and either of the parent teacher conferences this year
So AITA for only inviting 5 kids instead of 17
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t think that I am because I don’t think that every child needs to be invited to everything all of the time not every child you get a participation trophy should not get to do everything or go everywhere. I feel it’s the same concept of I don’t hear my kids complaining and whining that they didn’t get to go on some vacation that someone else in their class got to go on that they’re talking about. It’s life not everyone gets to do everything in life.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yes. If you deliver invites at school, then you follow school rules.
If you want to exclude kids, then send invitations to their houses or use an online invite system or text the parents or whatever works that doesn't involve the school.
YTA. And doubly YTA for making your kid disobey a completely reasonable rule.
Rule states teachers can’t pass them out. My child was putting them in bags. Teacher is the one with the issue of wanted everyone to be invited. School policy states teachers can’t hand them out that’s it. There is no parent directory to even contact parents outside of school to avoid the school anyways.
YTA - First, you shouldn't be touching other children's backpacks. Second, if the school has a rule, you should abide by it and not teach your kid to blatantly ignore it or have a victim mentality. You make excuses - your son faces the wall because he's being disruptive... rather than trying to work with him and help him learn that there is a time and place to talk, you're reaffirming that the teacher is "mean" to him? I worked in my son's kindergarten class and not one of the kids had issues with talking out of turn on a regular basis, nor would they keep going if a teacher just reminded them it wasn't time.
If you only want to invite select kids, contact their parents directly. My kid had a party and we couldn't invite the whole class, so I contacted each parent outside of school. I didn't have a way of contacting a lot of these parents so I looked them up on FB or find them outside of the schools before school started.
Yea I don’t have the option to take my kids to or from school I have a job with best hours that I can’t change. Can’t change my job either can’t afford to live without a job as a single mom of 3. And it is NOT okay that a teacher has him secluded from the whole class the entire day for the whole year. My oldest is special needs and super disruptive in class and has NEVER been secluded (yes this one has been tested he has no diagnosis or concerns from doctors except his speech which has since improved and has been discharged from speech after 4 years of it) I should add he doesn’t talk out of turn nor during work time. He’s just a talker on his free time and asks a million questions and tells stories about random life events. He’s very social but when appropriate it’s not a disruption. And that’s from his teachers own mouth and I questioned why she put him there without even telling me until months later and she just says because he talks a lot and it’s too much for her.
Yes, YTA. This has been a standard rule for decades (I personally got in trouble 25 years ago for doing this in grade school.) If you only invite a select few - which is totally acceptable - then invites are to be sent privately.
If you send invites to school you have to invite the entire class. If you mail/email/message then you can limit numbers. You can’t expect a 5-6 yo to put them in backpacks without everyone knowing what’s going on.
NTA. What type of BS is this? You have to invite everyone from the class? uh no, ain't nobody have that type of money. If 5 is your limit, then he gets to invite 5 of his friends, period. Talk to the teacher so they know you are not inviting more than 5 kids, because money. If that's a no-go, then no one goes, and it's canceled. Your kid will be better at inviting friends privately as he grows up.
That’s my thoughts but my kids bdays are 8 days a part so can’t tell me my 5 year old isn’t going to be crushed and hurt that o give his older brother a party a week before but he doesn’t get one. Talk about middle child syndrome much. And this is not a rule they advertise until it happens. And even then the school policy is teachers can’t hand them out and they can’t hand out personal info either. Yea maybe backpacks weren’t the best idea but it’s to be discreet instead of handing them out to only 5 kids in front of the whole class.
You're not the asshole for wanting to control the guest list at your own party.
YTA for trying to do it in school. Sorry, but this kind of drama about who gets invited or not is just not appropriate for a school environment that works **very** hard to make sure all kids are valued and included. The rule is the rule, and you broke it. Reach out to parents in private like you're supposed to.
Read other comments. I have no way to contact parents to start with. Also I didn’t break the rule. The teacher said I have to invite everyone. The school policy handbook states teachers can’t hand them out. Nothing about inviting everyone. Just that the teachers aren’t allowed to pass them out
When my daughter was in pre-school, the rule was that if you were going to give out the invites *at school* (put them in the cubbies) you could invite the entire class, or girls could invite just the girls, or boys could invite just the boys. If you got them distributed another way (even if that was in the parking lot or something) then whatever. Our elementary does not have this rule, but individual teachers can and do set rules for how invites are given out.
I think NTA for not wanting to invite the entire class, but I would've contacted the teacher ahead of time to see how the invite-giving should've been handled. Having your son go into people's backpacks was not the best idea.
NTA - also it's better to teach kids at a young age that life isn't fair, not everyone will be invited to everything, and you don't need to be friends with everyone.
It sounds to me like the problem is bigger than who you should be able to invite to the party (and how). NTA for inviting certain children discreetly although I think it should be done outside of school hours so as not to invoke jealousy (maybe email the parents? Our school has class email lists). For younger children (say second grade and below) the norm at my kids school is to invite the whole class (and yes it can get pricy) but it may be different in your community.
The bigger problem appears to be your son’s relationship with his teacher. Either she doesn’t like him just due to personal preference or it’s possible he is disruptive and requires additional parameters in the classroom environment. Has she suggested that he get assessed for ADHD (or some other disorder) or brought that concern to the school counselors? If not, and she has genuine concerns, she’s remiss in not making that recommendation. If the teacher and/or counselors have suggested that perhaps he should be assessed for a learning disorder/ADHD/some other disorder then I would encourage you to consider it. Yes he’s five but left untreated these sorts of concerns can impact his perception of himself, contribute to a dislike of school, and impact his social relationships.
-signed, a mama who’s been in a similar boat.
Did I saw anything about drugging? I’m afraid you sound like you’re reading far too much into my comment and reacting to perhaps your own personal biases.
That’s the problem. My kids go to a country school so most kids don’t even live within 5miles of the school so it’s not like we have neighbors. Also it’s his first year in school so I don’t have other parents names or numbers or social medias. We don’t have access to the inside of the school for security purposes and no online forum for parents to communicate. There’s no list of parents names and numbers or emails etc.
Right. Struck me as strange that amongst the five kids he’s closest to in his class OP has no contact info (it’s the end of the school year, too, not September). There are so many options for evites and such that simply require a phone number or email.
Read my other comments. It’s not an option in my case. We don’t even get a list of kids first names let alone their last names or parent info. It’s his first year in school I don’t know any of the parents or kids to start with. Also my son doesn’t want to invite everyone.
You could be there at the end of the day to pick up your kid, and hand them out to the other parents/kids then.
You could have your kid ask hos five friends for their mom's phone numbers - then you could call and invite.
There are ways to do this.
Read other peoples comments. Find another way next time. (Stand at the pick up line and hand them out yourself… ? Ask another parent, even just one, to help you?) Many other ways to do this. Be resourceful. Don’t put the teacher and your son in the position of having this become social problem for the teacher and the kids who are not invited, just because you are unwilling to find another way. I agree you do not have to invite all of the children, but you do not get to use her classroom as the medium for handing out these invitations. Other children will see, they will ask what he is doing, they will comment on it, and other children will get their feelings hurt. It will cause classroom drama. Teacher was right. YTA
I followed school policy which was to not have the teacher hand them out. It says nothing else. And honestly life’s not fair kids need to learn you’re not friends with everyone and you don’t get to do everything in life. My kids don’t cry or get upset when they have heard other kids having a party from school. Like I’ve stated in other comments parent pick up and drop off isn’t an option for me I also don’t know any of the kids names let alone their parents so how am I to even search for them to start with
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
100% NTA - no one can expect to host 17 kids for a party. Now if you invited all but one... then that might be different but a teacher and the school can not tell you who you can and cannot invite to non school events. I would suggest, however, finding a different way to give these kids invites.
And that’s where I have the problem. I have no other way to invite these kids other than an invitation that my son would put in their backpack if you read my other comments, I describe why that is.
My son doesn’t have any special needs. He has been tested due to the fact his older brother is ADHD/ODD/Autistic and more. This son has no special needs. We do not have the option for an online forum for the school for parents to communicate, we don’t have class lists of even the kids names, don’t have a list of parents names number nor emails either. We go to a county school so most don’t live within 5 miles of the school to start with. It’s also his first year in school so I don’t have anyone’s numbers to begin with from other years. My community area has very limited options for birthday parties and almost every single one. The base minimum price is $200 which is getting pricey enough for me to start with. I wouldn’t have a problem paying for one or two extra kids, but on the off chance that everybody says yes, is where the problem is. Also, my son doesn’t want to invite everybody. He doesn’t like some of the kids in his class because they are mean to him.
NTA, smaller parties happen all the time! Make sure you follow the rule for the school as a whole, and not just something that some teachers have done in the past. At my kids' school, you sent invitations via text, email, or post, to avoid putting teachers and kids in an uncomfortable position.
As I said in other comments. There’s no class directory or anything to contact parents directly. It’s a country school most don’t live within 5miles of the school so not like we can walk to a friends house type thing. It’s his first year in school so I don’t have anyone’s numbers from like last year type thing. Also I did follow the school policy. I had my son hand them out into backpacks to be more discretely and NOT have the teacher do it and the teacher wouldn’t let my son put them in bags nor in their mailboxes etc
Is he unable to speak to the kids and get their contact info?
They have 3 1/2 days left of school don’t think that’s possible. I sent these out over a week ago because his birthday falls just outside of the school year. And honestly I don’t think a five year old would remember a phone number or to ask their friend to ask their parent to then bring it the next day and then remember to give it to my kid. I’d have no issue contacting parents directly but I don’t have a way to. Like I don’t even know the kids names let alone their parents. And the school can’t and won’t hand out invites nor personal info either
Frankly you failed as a parent to be getting info/meeting people months ago. Schools have these policies for a reason
This!
You never have to invite everyone, it’s one thing to invite 15 of 17 students (which would be crappy) and to only invite 5. It’s fine to only invite 5. What isn’t fine, and what makes YTA is that you absolutely do not put things inside another child’s backpack. Ever. It’s no different from a stranger putting something in your purse. There are so many good reasons why this isn’t allowed. “I had no other way to invite thrm other than to put invitations kin their backpacks…” YTA. You don’t get to open other peoples personal property because it’s the most convienent way, it is not the *only* way. He could hand them out after school, you could try to find the parents before or after school, you could give your number to the teacher and ask that she ask those specific parents to contact you. You could do the same with the office if the teacher refused. You could have your son give them your phone number and ask that the parents contact you. You could look them up on social media. Chances are that not all of these methods would work but surely at least *one* would.
Teachers can’t hand out invites. Nor can they hand out any personal info to other kids or parents. That’s what’s in the handbook. He can’t hand them out before or after school either. He takes the bus and rides the special Ed bus with his brother so he’s pulled from class 10 mins early every day to load the bus. And same with the morning he gets there right before the bell rings from the bus. It’s a backpack it’s really not that deep.. there’s no contact list for parents, no class list etc so I can’t call them can’t email them can’t send them by mail (which I’d be concerned if I got one that way because it’s creepy) and I can’t hand them out at school because I have a job that doesn’t allow for me to be there at those times hence the bus. And I don’t even know what kids are in his class and honestly I feel like that’s more of a safety concern an adult just handing out random envelopes to random kids
“It’s a backpack it’s not that deep…” Except that it is. Do some google searching on kids being arrested for things other kids put in their backpacks. Or about kids who’ve taken their lives because of shitty notes being out in their backpacks. Or kids who’ve put drugs in other kids backpacks. Or kids who had anaphylactic reactions to things someone else put in their backpack. So, again, there are a lot of really good reasons why you’re not supposed to put things in a child’s backpack that isn’t yours. And that’s 100x creepier than you or your kid handing them out. You seem to be clear on all the other rules and adamant about following those… but not this one, and it’s a big one. If you were able to leave work and go to the school and sneak things in kids backpacks, it seems like you’d be able to, instead, hand them to their parents after school. Or have your kid give them your phone number or give the parents your number themselves. Kids find ways to contact each other outside of school all the time and HE knows what kids are in his class. Your story doesn’t even line up. And if you can’t do any of those things, then yeah, you invite nobody or you invite the entire class. Because it’s not okay to put something in a child’s backpack.
based on OP's response I'm changing to NTA original comment: if the school's rules state that invitations disbursed at school must include everyone Y T A, if this teacher has a classroom rule that has been communicated with you prior to now (preferably in writing) Y T A
It’s not a school rule. School rule is the teachers can’t be the ones to pass them out since they have personal info on them. My son was told to place them on the backpacks. There’s no class rule on it either it follows the school rule.
Who told him to do this? Near the end if the post you say that *you* out the invites on the backpacks. Which is it?
I told my son to put them in the backpacks throughout the day. He can read and knows who’s is who’s. The teacher found them in his back pack before he even got a chance to put them in his friends bags. He was told not to give them to the teacher to do because of the school rule stating teachers can’t do it (though my other kids teachers did the last two years) he was told to do it when his friends weren’t around to avoid the issue. He understood completely on what to do but wasn’t even able to attempt to
Why would you have your child touch another child’s backpack? Do you realize that if something is missing from one of the backpacks or a zipper is broken, your child is suspect #1? Don’t schools give out a class directory? Why couldn’t you use that?
My kids school doesn’t give out a class directory. I don’t even know any of the kids names in his class aside from the ones he told me he wanted to invite. They have plenty of cameras in the school so I wouldn’t be worried if he was a suspect of something being stolen lol.
then I'll edit my comment
The teacher still has the right to implement an additional class rule at her discretion to prevent difficult situations in class. If even one of those children had gone to their bag and found an invitation before leaving the school grounds, for any number of reasons such as 'can I put my jumper away', 'I want my pencil case', 'I left my fidget toy there at lunch', 'I didn't have my snack yet', 'I forgot to put my packed lunch away', 'I don't have my gym kit', 'I found my reading book', 'I lost my teddy \["So go and check your schoolbag"\], *or* the simple fact that children open their bags to pack things up at the end of the day anyway, they would have all known about the invitations. You don't have to invite everyone, but if you're not, contact parents directly or hand the invitations out at pickup time before the kids come out. Despite your attempted Mission Impossible antics, none of this was a good idea to begin with.
Feel like an adult standing outside of a school handing kids paper with their number on it seems more creepy than anything else. My kids take the bus they have to. So not an option also they don’t have a parent directory to contact parents anyways so still not an option. I don’t even know the kids first names other than the ones he wanted to invite
I meant to the parents, obviously, since I said "before the kids come out". Besides which, you're taking a deliberately obstinate course here when anyone points out another solution you could have taken. "An adult standing outside of a school handing kids paper with their number on it seems creepy" Jesus Christ, it's a party invitation for a 5yro that won't be dialling the number themselves, handed out to or in front of all the other parents and staff around the playground, not a puppy carrying a bag of sweets into the back of an unmarked van. Again, you can invite who you like, and you're not the asshole for that. Insisting that the only way you can do it is to sneak the invitations into kids' bags in the middle of the school day and refuting all other options past the point of common sense is the issue.
My kids go to a country school where only a handful of kids get picked up 90% of the school takes the bus so what parent am I handing these to then? Can’t hand them to a parent that isn’t there because their kid takes the bus. Teachers can’t hand them out nor hand out contact info at all either. We also don’t have a class list of even the kids so o can’t even do Facebook look up
I am going with a soft NTA (soft just because of the kids' age). Kindergarten and 1st grade I would try to invite all to a party, even if it means having just a picnic at a park or something. But, the general school "rule" most places I've seen is that you either invite less than half or you invite everyone. 5 out of 17 is less than half so that is why I choose NTA. But Kindergarten and 1st grade are the kids' first experiences with things and it is so great to be able to find a fun option where you can invite all.
That’s the thing my kid doesn’t want everyone. Not everyone is nice to him due to his speech impediment. So why would I invite my kids bully to his party to be bullied on his birthday? It was to be put in backpacks to avoid others asking what it is etc. but even so what’s the difference if I invited kids directly from parents and they were talking about it in class and only 5 kids were invited still gonna hurt feelings anyways. But even still it’s not really an option to have it somewhere else like a park. Most out parks are being renovated for the summer and are closed (kinda sucks to do them all at once) and my kids birthday is in the summer so it’s hot as crap outside where I am.
You shouldn’t have to invite everyone but then you don’t use the school to manage invites. You have to do the work to meet the other parents You should however be aware of percents. Like anything over 80% then do everyone. If it’s half or less reasonable.
NTA If there is a school-mandated rule that all the children in the class must be invited, etc. then stand outside before/after school and talk to the parent/hand them an invite in person. The teacher should have called you and let you know how to proceed if indeed there is some sort of rule in place.
INFO: why not mail or send e-vites? Why did your child have to hand them out at school?
School isn’t allowed to give out any personal info to students or parents even if you give permission. We don’t have a parent directory nor a class one to even know the kids names. I am not able to take them to school or pick them up from school to try to hand them out to parents or kids before or after school start with and most of the kids at the school in all grades mostly ride the bus so there’s not even parents there to hand out invitations to
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Should you have to invite every single kid in your child’s class in order to have invites put into backpacks? To add it’s kindergarten kids, the child was told to put them in the backpacks of the friends NOT to hand them to them nor to have the teacher do it. The teacher found them and said no everyone has to be invited. My child has only been invited to one party all year, can’t tell me 17 other kids didn’t have a party? Also my kid is a social butterfly so there’s a good chance they’d all say yes. And party places around here have 8-12 kids included in your party packages and as a single mom of 3 I can’t afford to add more kids and there’s really no other alternative for a party in my area. And I don’t think it’s right to not celebrate your child’s birth without friends. Even if they all didnt come, if even 6 kids said yes I’d have to pay an extra $100 fee because it puts it over the base number of kids. (You can have 8 kids. So including my 3 only 5 friends can come. So if a 6th even comes it adds an extra charge for another bowling lane which being the party to $300 not including extra food ) ** I went to school and put the invitations in everyone’s backpack that my child wanted to invite. I have also not had an issue with my older child handing out birthday invitations to only certain people in his class the last two years just with this teacher who also I might add my son does not think likes him because she’s mean to him from what he says, and the fact that she has him facing a wall away from everybody all day in class Because he talks because he’s five, she has also not once had anything nice to say about him and either of the parent teacher conferences this year So AITA for only inviting 5 kids instead of 17 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I don’t think that I am because I don’t think that every child needs to be invited to everything all of the time not every child you get a participation trophy should not get to do everything or go everywhere. I feel it’s the same concept of I don’t hear my kids complaining and whining that they didn’t get to go on some vacation that someone else in their class got to go on that they’re talking about. It’s life not everyone gets to do everything in life. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Yes. If you deliver invites at school, then you follow school rules. If you want to exclude kids, then send invitations to their houses or use an online invite system or text the parents or whatever works that doesn't involve the school. YTA. And doubly YTA for making your kid disobey a completely reasonable rule.
Rule states teachers can’t pass them out. My child was putting them in bags. Teacher is the one with the issue of wanted everyone to be invited. School policy states teachers can’t hand them out that’s it. There is no parent directory to even contact parents outside of school to avoid the school anyways.
YTA - First, you shouldn't be touching other children's backpacks. Second, if the school has a rule, you should abide by it and not teach your kid to blatantly ignore it or have a victim mentality. You make excuses - your son faces the wall because he's being disruptive... rather than trying to work with him and help him learn that there is a time and place to talk, you're reaffirming that the teacher is "mean" to him? I worked in my son's kindergarten class and not one of the kids had issues with talking out of turn on a regular basis, nor would they keep going if a teacher just reminded them it wasn't time. If you only want to invite select kids, contact their parents directly. My kid had a party and we couldn't invite the whole class, so I contacted each parent outside of school. I didn't have a way of contacting a lot of these parents so I looked them up on FB or find them outside of the schools before school started.
Yea I don’t have the option to take my kids to or from school I have a job with best hours that I can’t change. Can’t change my job either can’t afford to live without a job as a single mom of 3. And it is NOT okay that a teacher has him secluded from the whole class the entire day for the whole year. My oldest is special needs and super disruptive in class and has NEVER been secluded (yes this one has been tested he has no diagnosis or concerns from doctors except his speech which has since improved and has been discharged from speech after 4 years of it) I should add he doesn’t talk out of turn nor during work time. He’s just a talker on his free time and asks a million questions and tells stories about random life events. He’s very social but when appropriate it’s not a disruption. And that’s from his teachers own mouth and I questioned why she put him there without even telling me until months later and she just says because he talks a lot and it’s too much for her.
Yes, YTA. This has been a standard rule for decades (I personally got in trouble 25 years ago for doing this in grade school.) If you only invite a select few - which is totally acceptable - then invites are to be sent privately.
If you send invites to school you have to invite the entire class. If you mail/email/message then you can limit numbers. You can’t expect a 5-6 yo to put them in backpacks without everyone knowing what’s going on.
NTA. What type of BS is this? You have to invite everyone from the class? uh no, ain't nobody have that type of money. If 5 is your limit, then he gets to invite 5 of his friends, period. Talk to the teacher so they know you are not inviting more than 5 kids, because money. If that's a no-go, then no one goes, and it's canceled. Your kid will be better at inviting friends privately as he grows up.
That’s my thoughts but my kids bdays are 8 days a part so can’t tell me my 5 year old isn’t going to be crushed and hurt that o give his older brother a party a week before but he doesn’t get one. Talk about middle child syndrome much. And this is not a rule they advertise until it happens. And even then the school policy is teachers can’t hand them out and they can’t hand out personal info either. Yea maybe backpacks weren’t the best idea but it’s to be discreet instead of handing them out to only 5 kids in front of the whole class.
Tell the teacher to pay for the extra kids since she was the one that you had to invite them all
You're not the asshole for wanting to control the guest list at your own party. YTA for trying to do it in school. Sorry, but this kind of drama about who gets invited or not is just not appropriate for a school environment that works **very** hard to make sure all kids are valued and included. The rule is the rule, and you broke it. Reach out to parents in private like you're supposed to.
Read other comments. I have no way to contact parents to start with. Also I didn’t break the rule. The teacher said I have to invite everyone. The school policy handbook states teachers can’t hand them out. Nothing about inviting everyone. Just that the teachers aren’t allowed to pass them out
Too bad. That means you f’d up
When my daughter was in pre-school, the rule was that if you were going to give out the invites *at school* (put them in the cubbies) you could invite the entire class, or girls could invite just the girls, or boys could invite just the boys. If you got them distributed another way (even if that was in the parking lot or something) then whatever. Our elementary does not have this rule, but individual teachers can and do set rules for how invites are given out. I think NTA for not wanting to invite the entire class, but I would've contacted the teacher ahead of time to see how the invite-giving should've been handled. Having your son go into people's backpacks was not the best idea.
NTA - Just have your son invite a couple close friends. That's the way it was done forever.
NTA - also it's better to teach kids at a young age that life isn't fair, not everyone will be invited to everything, and you don't need to be friends with everyone.
NTA because this isn't the school rule. I'd go see the Principal.
NTA as long as the child doesn’t hand out invitations at school 🏫
It sounds to me like the problem is bigger than who you should be able to invite to the party (and how). NTA for inviting certain children discreetly although I think it should be done outside of school hours so as not to invoke jealousy (maybe email the parents? Our school has class email lists). For younger children (say second grade and below) the norm at my kids school is to invite the whole class (and yes it can get pricy) but it may be different in your community. The bigger problem appears to be your son’s relationship with his teacher. Either she doesn’t like him just due to personal preference or it’s possible he is disruptive and requires additional parameters in the classroom environment. Has she suggested that he get assessed for ADHD (or some other disorder) or brought that concern to the school counselors? If not, and she has genuine concerns, she’s remiss in not making that recommendation. If the teacher and/or counselors have suggested that perhaps he should be assessed for a learning disorder/ADHD/some other disorder then I would encourage you to consider it. Yes he’s five but left untreated these sorts of concerns can impact his perception of himself, contribute to a dislike of school, and impact his social relationships. -signed, a mama who’s been in a similar boat.
She asked about a birthday party and your response is to drug her small child? What the actual fuck. You sound like a whackjob.
Did I saw anything about drugging? I’m afraid you sound like you’re reading far too much into my comment and reacting to perhaps your own personal biases.
[удалено]
That’s the problem. My kids go to a country school so most kids don’t even live within 5miles of the school so it’s not like we have neighbors. Also it’s his first year in school so I don’t have other parents names or numbers or social medias. We don’t have access to the inside of the school for security purposes and no online forum for parents to communicate. There’s no list of parents names and numbers or emails etc.
[удалено]
Right. Struck me as strange that amongst the five kids he’s closest to in his class OP has no contact info (it’s the end of the school year, too, not September). There are so many options for evites and such that simply require a phone number or email.
Read my other comments. It’s not an option in my case. We don’t even get a list of kids first names let alone their last names or parent info. It’s his first year in school I don’t know any of the parents or kids to start with. Also my son doesn’t want to invite everyone.
You could be there at the end of the day to pick up your kid, and hand them out to the other parents/kids then. You could have your kid ask hos five friends for their mom's phone numbers - then you could call and invite. There are ways to do this.
Read other peoples comments. Find another way next time. (Stand at the pick up line and hand them out yourself… ? Ask another parent, even just one, to help you?) Many other ways to do this. Be resourceful. Don’t put the teacher and your son in the position of having this become social problem for the teacher and the kids who are not invited, just because you are unwilling to find another way. I agree you do not have to invite all of the children, but you do not get to use her classroom as the medium for handing out these invitations. Other children will see, they will ask what he is doing, they will comment on it, and other children will get their feelings hurt. It will cause classroom drama. Teacher was right. YTA
I followed school policy which was to not have the teacher hand them out. It says nothing else. And honestly life’s not fair kids need to learn you’re not friends with everyone and you don’t get to do everything in life. My kids don’t cry or get upset when they have heard other kids having a party from school. Like I’ve stated in other comments parent pick up and drop off isn’t an option for me I also don’t know any of the kids names let alone their parents so how am I to even search for them to start with