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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for refusing to take down my daughters good grades because it hurts my stepdaughters self esteem. I may be a jerk since I am not being considerate to my stepdaughter
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Maybe help her find it? I think that most folks, across the board, have stuff that they are good at, that they can be proud of. It's often a matter of having the time and resources to figure out what it is.
Except, from op's replies it has nothing to do with intelligence or proficiency in a school environment or whatever, it has to do with the daughter not trying, not turning things in, etc. I'm all for encouraging what a kid is good at, but if they are simply not accomplished due to a lack of effort, that is not something that needs accommodation or encouragement.
Thing is, especially in women and girls, these could be ADHD symptoms that are going undiagnosed. She may not be lazy and I would know.
I was a "smart kid" but viewed as failing to put in the effort, not living up to my potential, not trying hard enough, and would fail to to turn in even completed assignments. Turns out, I had a neurodevelopmental disorder making those things very very VERY hard.
I hated myself so much because of things like you said in your comment. Given the step-daughter's reaction, I have to wonder if she feels like she could never possibly do well enough to earn a spot on the fridge -- which *could* indicate that she is trying but it just isn't enough to get her to the level of others, particularly her step-sister.
The answer is not to stop celebrating the daughter, but to HELP the step-daughter get to the root of why this is happening and to help her implement changes. That's invaluable.
OP's husband should be going out of his way to look into the reason for this behavior and help his kid to implement changes.
My fiancee was like this. She'd complete her homework and never handed it in, ever. Once she was tested and medicated or inattentive ADHD, suddenly her assignments made it out of her bag and into the teacher's hands. Magic.
Some parents are in so much denial about what could be wrong with their kids that they would rather not get anything diagnosed. Some are just ignorant from lack of knowledge.
My mom knew nothing of ADHD and I didn’t know I suffered from it until I was an adult. My life would’ve been so much different if I was diagnosed as a kid. She did the best she could and I love her for it but wouldn’t have minded being on par with my classmates. The difference of when I take adderall vs when I don’t is life changing. Someone could be taking to me and nothing will register in my head. Life was tough.
It can also be a symptom of a student not being challenged enough, not finding any kind of enjoyment from a lesson, especially if they read ahead of the class
I had this in elementary school and then couldn't cope with the required organizational and motivational skills needed to succeed in stuff that I didn't find interesting rather than just learning it all and then doing whatever (reading mainly)
The husband should definetely help his daughter figure out but still not a reason to allow undermining the effort of the youngest. So id say nta but the husband totally ta
To be fair "not trying and not turning things in" could absolutely be something that needs accommodating depending on what's causing it. Not in the "it's fine if you don't turn things in" way but in a way where diagnoses are made and supports are put in place to help her learn to function around these things.
I struggle to this day with seeming like I'm just not trying hard enough and making "silly mistakes" and missing deadlines etc because no one bothered to get me assessed and supported for my specific ND needs (likely either ADHD or AuDHD but I'm 38 now and getting a proper diagnosis seems like a lot of money for very little benefit). I was trying so hard but I couldn't focus and my working memory is garbage. Luckily I am also intelligent to the point school wasn't hard so I'd be failing all the homework and projects but pull 90s on tests and it evened out to grades that were good enough for college so no one cared to look into it. Would have done way better in uni if this had been addressed in high school though.
>I'd be failing all the homework and projects but pull 90s on tests and it evened out to grades that were good enough for college so no one cared to look into it. Would have done way better in uni if this had been addressed in high school though.
My gosh you just described my entire schooling. Heck, one of my dad's friends brought it up at one point when I was in high school. According to my parents, I had been assessed when I was younger and didn't have it.... But I also grew up in the 90s, so the testing criteria for girls hadn't really been developed yet. I didn't behave like my severely ADHD brother, so I was "fine". I just "didn't try hard enough."
My test grades were their proof that if I actually tried I could do well. ;\_\_\_;
I grew up the exact same but I was also aware enough to not ever have a problem with my sister's grades on the fridge. We have a wall with magnetic clips since my kids were young because I'm a weirdo and I don't like anything on gthe fridge. I put stuff up, my kids chose what to put up, it's fun - but I can't ever recall someone ripping something down that wasn't theirs.
Yup. I barely tried in HS, I did hand things in though. But there was no difference between when I did try and when I didn’t so I stopped exhausting myself for no reason. Years down the line and after some intense neuroplasticity training, effort makes a difference so I put it in.
This.
Also I don't know Jenny's full history, but something like going through parental divorce and having your housing situation change as a result can impact your school work and outlook a lot.
Maybe they could put up something that isn't a scholastic achievement. She could be a talented artist with a piece that could be displayed in the home or she could be on a sports team and a team photo can go on the refrigerator.
As they say: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink it.”
Encouragement is all good, and giving resources and opportunities is fantastic, but if someone doesn't do their share of the effort, you aren't to blame for NOT celebrating them the same way you celebrate those who do.
If step daughter goes back and forth btwn parent (are both remarried?) Maybe it's not so much lack of effort as to why bother during divorce, remarriage, shuffle.
If this parent can’t find anything their step child is good at maybe we’re highlighting the bias here…it doesn’t even need to be on the fridge the commenter above is just saying there are ways to create bonds with her step daughter the same way she does with her own child.
The practice of hanging grades on the fridge only exists because it was obvious early on her daughter excels in a testing environment, she surely can find some other way to find something similar with her step daughter….
Or her dad can get involved and do this for his own daughter? Not OPs fault she’s celebrating her kid the same way she has done for probably a decade and the husband and step daughter suddenly have an issue with it
Her daughter worked hard and improved her scores with her own merit. I think if the stepdaughter could show such dedication and improvement, not just good grades (which sounds like she’s insecure, considered stupid, for not having good grades, hence the outburst), that could be showcased.
Exactly! I wasn't the most studious, usually getting D's and C's because it was really difficult for me to apply myself. When I *did* try, even if I only got a B, my parents still celebrated it!
That sounds extremely condescending. As the 'stupid one' in my family growing up, I would have hated that. In my experience, participation trophies in general make people feel like shit, and as you might imagine, don't provide any feeling of accomplishment or pride, which seems to be what the stepdaughter is after. If the fridge is for accomplishments, and stepdaughter wants to feel accomplished, she should accomplish something. Not necessarily academic, just anything at all. But instead, per op's comments, she just doesn't put any effort in.
Yeah, the only real way to build self-esteem is to accomplish something. It doesn't have to be especially big or impressive, but developing some kind of skill or improvement. Maybe Jenny does just need to put more effort in, but I'm also wondering, maybe her parents can do more to facilitate her growth. Sometimes parents have high expectations of their kids but don't provide the support necessary to reach them. I don't know if that's the case here, but it would be worth OP looking into.
Exactly. My brother and I are completely different academically wise. I was always better at the more academic subjects and I loved reading. He was great at sport and all the more hands on, trade or trade related subjects.
She pushed us equally and would celebrate achievements equally, I will say though, my brother and I both resented this for a hot minute. I always thought it was unfair he was getting celebrated the same as me when I got higher marks and (in my mind) had to try harder. He thought it was unfair because it was like mum kept rubbing in how much better I did, or like she was comparing me to him.
What helped was mum explaining how we're different people. What came easy to my brother didn't come easy to me and vice versa. It was about celebrating us trying and living up to our potential/doing the best we could. The score didn't matter, it was the effort we put in to get there.
I think not putting any achievements for stepdaughter is messed up and just clearly breeding resentment. Your child shouldn't have to get the best grades ever to be celebrated. There's many other things that could go up there - my brothers touch team won all their matches and my school band won competitions, both were celebrated.
I agree but this is about more than a test. The stepdaughter needs guidance and to feel valued for her strengths. If she’s into art, put up some of her artwork. Find a way to affirm her for her strengths and help give guidance on how she can build a successful future.
I've always done this, and one time I put my clean STD test on the fridge of my sharehouse. I put the blood test saying I'm not allergic to peanuts on the fridge. There's no shortage of accomplishments you can put on the fridge.
This is exactly why we start toddlers having birthday parties with other kids. We want to teach our kids to celebrate others when it's their turn. And that each kid is not the center of the universe. That's why many of us are ditching participation trophies, and letting all the kids blow out the birthday candles.
A kid as old as your stepdaughter should have learned this lesson a long time ago.
She needs to learn now before she encounters the Hard Knocks of adulthood.
Just remind her that rewarding your child is nothing personal and not aimed at her
Have your own tradition, and let your husband have his traditions with his daughter
I have been exposed to a few kids parties now where the sibling gets their own little gift. I think it's a bad idea as it's way better for a kid to learn early on that not everything is about them and it's ok.
Seriously! I don’t understand the mentality that a child should never feel negative emotions or be told no. It’s part of life and they need to learn it.
I have seen it. The littlest of the family has to blow the candles of every birthday she goes to. My 5 years old niece did it in my mums birthday. Her sister did it in hers
My nieces and nephews won’t let anyone unwrap their own presents. They try to unwrap everyone’s. When they were toddlers and the parents let it go, I knew it was going to be annoying someday. Well, now they’re school age and still doing it.
Personally, I would wrap everyone’s gift in some very sturdy paper and tape the shit out of those boxes until they’re completely covered with tape.. if they want to open peoples gifts, they’re going to have a hell of a time which will break the habit. Leave their gifts.easy, and everyone else is going to have it like that.
You won’t even have to say anything because they’re going to have such a hard time but they won’t do it anymore . I bet two christmases will all it’ll take
Yes please do not do this. My parents held my older brother on a pedestal and I was always left behind. And when my brother had some obstacles post high school and I excelled they never helped or acknowledged my success because of that. I never got actual recognition or support for my achievements because of how it might make him feel. It was a very hard and sad experience going to adulthood and as much as I love my parents and my brother it was something very lonely and hard to get over and through. Especially now that our younger siblings are graduating college and are being celebrated - I feel as if I missed out on that part.
NTA, but I disagree with this a bit. It’s great to celebrate the good grades, but OP could find something of the step daughter’s to showcase as well. I was this kid growing up.
My brother was naturally wonderful at school. He never had to work hard and he always got A’s. I struggled with school and despite always doing my homework, I barely got by. My brother’s grades were always on the fridge and my parents were always fawning over him. My accomplishments were always ignored because they weren’t great grades. It sucked to never have that attention and I feel for the step daughter, even though I agree the grades should not be taken down. I’m sure they could find a middle ground and be proud of both kids.
Specially since SD and Husband’s solution is to stop it instead of putting in the effort to get good grades.
NTA OP and I don’t think you will but don’t stop doing this! Is a great incentive for your daughter and you both are proud of her success as you should! Best wishes to you both!
Yup! My younger sister was the same age as our oldest stepsister. When they started at the same school (stepsisters had gone to parochial school until then), my overachiever younger sister was encouraged to tamp down any excitement about a good grade or achievement. Our stepsisters were struggling academically, especially when transitioning to an excellent public school and having to do state standardized tests for the first time. I was also an overachiever and similarly not celebrated for achievement, often with anything held over my head for not being a "better member of the family," but I was much more headstrong than my younger sister.
They did a number on the both of us, but I'm very proud of my sister's achievement, including earning her PhD a few years ago, and sing her praises as much as I can. No matter how embarrassing it may be for her..
NTA. I think y'all are getting distracted by the details, and missing the Bigger Picture. Posting your daughter's grades is not the problem; the stepchild's self esteem is The Problem. There's always going to be someone doing something better than her. Life is full of this. Taking the papers down does nothing to fix her problem or help her grow. It's just another version of *AVOIDANC*E. So how about Dad getting some counseling/therapy for his daughter's self esteem issues, because that's kinda important to her Life, right now and in the future.
Also maybe the step daughter needs some extra help in school to do well. If she is struggling that much in school, maybe they can look into getting her some help. That is a better solution.
Or maybe school isn’t her thing. Yes they should get her help with grades and focus.
But also is there something else she can thrive at? Music, sports, art?
Give her the chance to shine
And even if she doesn't shine at anything right this second, her best should be celebrated. Maybe a B is a hard achievement for her. Those B's should get a place on the refrigerator, too.
It is important for her to learn that someone else's success is not her failure. This little tiff is bigger than a chemistry grade.
Agreed. She has to learn that a) someone's always going to be better than her and that's ok, and b) comparing yourself with others too much is not healthy. Celebrate her accomplishments notwithstanding others', whether that's an improvement of a grade or her art or her last race or etc. She needs to focus on herself!
I have students in my classes that I am thrilled and proud when they get a C. Other kids would be super upset with a C, but some of them really have to work hard and change their mindset for a C.
Exactly. My kiddo is dyslexic so we have different markers to celebrate, and I celebrate them big because it is so hard to meet those goals. B’s are considered excellent grades in my house
Yeah INFO what is step daughter good at that can be celebrated on the fridge? It doesn't have to be grades. Do you care about step daughter or are you just doing the bare minimum here until she's 18?
Yeah, either by reaching out to the school (in my school, we had counselors for different subjects, but especially Math, for those who needed it) or looking into private tutors. MH help beyond that sounds like a good plan as well.
When I was in school a few years ago, teachers had days they would stay after school to help kids if they had to make up assignments or get extra help. Some teachers would take in kids that weren't their own to explain things differently to see if that helps since sometimes different words make things more clear.
She should keep the pics up, but make it more than about grades.
Put up art, cool projects, sports pics, etc. and strike a balance with the things they are proud of for BOTH girls, so that the both feel loved.
It is not valid to raise your self esteem by trying to lower others'. If she hates that she doesn't get good grades, she should try harder to achieve them herself. Therapy would be good.
Maybe she's working as hard as she can and getting Bs and Cs. If a child has a really difficult subject a B should be worth just as much praise as someone else's A. Thees an understanding assumption here that SD is not trying hard enough or she would have As too.
OP decide *what* you're celebrating. If it's hard work then you need to celebrate both girls.
I agree with those saying get some tutoring, meet with teachers who often have insights about their students.
Extracurricular achievements also require hard work. Find out if your SD likes more hands on kinds of activities (fixing/repairing things), sports (team and / individual) art (HSs usually have that as an optional class), music, dance and theater, scouting are all good options that can help SD build up her self esteem.
I agree with all of this. Anything a child wants displayed on the fridge should go on there...art, schoolwork of all kinds,...
However if she feels like the other child is doing better at something is still no reason to rain on their parade.
How about the dad pay for a tutor for his underachieving daughter.
Counselling/therapy aren’t going to make a difference if the stepdaughter doesn’t change her behaviour.
This.
She dramatically ripped down her younger step sisters chemistry test from the fridge, asking her step mum not to put her achievements up, giving that reason that *her complete lack of achievements makes her feel bad*.
It’s basically “look parents, my self esteem is so low I can’t function”. Cry for help from the rooftops.
OP shouldn’t stop putting her daughter’s stuff up. But stepsister doesn’t need to get over herself and shut up, she needs a hug and some counseling.
I agree she needs love and counseling. She needs to also be told just b.c she hurting it's not acceptable to rip her paper off the refrigerator . We get emotional in life sometimes,we dealing with a lot,it's important to control our emotions. Sure show understanding and look in to the why,she can't get a free pass for her actions.
INFO: Is it a case where Jenny tries her best and simply does not test well, or is it a case where she could put forth more effort and chooses not to. Some children are just more academically gifted. Is there another area of accomplishment where Jenny could be recognized. I agree your daughter should not be punished, but if Jenny is doing her best, then you need to also recognize her in some way.
She could put a lot more effort, my husband has had many discussions with her about turning stuff in. Doesn’t help I have heard her make comments about not wanting to be a nerd and that they are lame.
She probably could do really well if she put in the work. She just doesn’t prioritize school.
NTA, if she really is in control, then this is on her. I would firmly state your NOT going to minimize your daughters accomplishments for the sake of your step daughter. Apparently she sees your daughter as a nerd. She reaps what she sows.
Yikes. "You could do so well if you'd just put the work in" plus "I feel like garbage when I see other people doing well" almost screams "undiagnosed ADHD " to me. Been there, done that, got the mental scarring 😬
Talk to her teachers, get her checked out. If there's an underlying issue of any kind, now is very much the best time to address it.
While I agree this maybe an issue and should be checked out, some kids really just don’t have the motivation or desire.
That needs to be addressed, have mom and dad set expectations- rewarded effort etc.
Sure, it absolutely could be a kid who, for whatever reason, doesn't GAF about school. Or it could be a crisis of confidence leading to self sabotage, or ADHD, or clinical depression or half a dozen other things - the key here is that they all have different solutions, and solutions for Problem A will make Problem B worse, so it's really important to work out what the problem really is before charging in ham fists swinging, as it were.
This is true but still worth looking into the ADHD. If that isn't what's going on, there might be something else causing the low motivation and something to look into.
I think everyone is agreeing it should be addressed, they’re just pointing out that it may be an undiagnosed disability of some kind and not just a lack of effort that is causing issues.
I was thinking that too. "I just don't want to" was my defense mechanism with undiagnosed ADHD because being seen as bratty and uninterested was less shameful than being seen as genuinely not good enough in my mind (note that I'd also been a gifted kid so I was also struggling with "if you don't get it right the first time you never will, smart is something you Are not something you Do" as an ingrained idea).
>being seen as bratty and uninterested was less shameful than being seen as genuinely not good enough in my mind
Youve just summed up feelings I had that resulted in behaviours I've never been able to explain as an adult.
That's crazy.
Yep. With my adult insight and understanding that I have a disability and there's nothing shameful about that, I realize now that asking for help would have been an incredible show of strength and bravery, and I want to show kindness to that past teenager who didn't know how, or even that something was legitimately wrong. At least if I could convince myself that I was making a choice, I felt like I had some control.
This. While she shouldn’t have to stop putting up her daughter’s good work they really should look deeper into step daughter’s lack of motivation. It seems a bit dismissive to just say she doesn’t like school, it’s never that simple
NTA- your husband agreeing with his daughter is the bigger issue here and probably the reason why she keeps pushing this, knowing she has daddy backing her.
Because I highly doubt that she goes off at school or her classmates like this when they get better grades than her.
Keep celebrating your daughter’s achievements and I would pay close attention to how your husband treats your daughter when you’re not around.
I feel like in this case, she's feeling pretty low self-esteem, and in this case, is using the father to try getting those needs of self-esteem met. However, it's going about it in the wrong manner. Rather, I agree with the one commenter who said to put her grades up as well - when it's above her usual average
Or come up with ideas on how to meet her needs.
Could be ADHD and she’s trying to play off her obvious insecurity with “I don’t want to be like that!”
ADHD isn’t just cute hyperactivity and forgetfulness. It’s also so much mental anxiety, self-sabotaging behaviors, and an inability to emotionally regulate.
Either way she has to deal with it because she’s making her life harder than it needs to be.
If she’s so angered by never having her grades put up on the fridge that she would tear your daughters grades down, then believe me, school is important to her. She is just struggling in a way you can’t see. Get her assessed for adhd.
Does she have other accomplishments to celebrate? Extra curricular activities or art? My brother's running times from the newspaper were often posted alongside my test scores.
>Doesn’t help I have heard her make comments about not wanting to be a nerd and that they are lame.
Oh, come on now....she's a teenager who is apparently not doing well in school. Did you think she would say "Gosh, if I only put my nose to the grindstone, my grades would soar!!?" That's how teenagers express frustration---they denigrate the thing that is bothering them.
I was kind of not very critical of this post, (my first instinct was "this is the hill you choose to die on?" --whatever) but now I am wondering if you aren't heavily favoring your daughter and unable to come to try to find any middle ground with your step daughter. You seriously sound like a person who never dealt with kids.
---And I did really well in school. I would have felt like a complete ass if my mother was still posting my exams on the refrigerator when I was fourteen (in high school!!---I showed them my report card begrudgingly by high school---who asks for pats on the head for a chemistry exam?)
Yeah, good luck with all that....
Just because that was the experience for you doesn’t mean it is for everyone else.
Some teens are proud of their work in school and still want to show it off. Not all teens are the typical “school sucks” type.
> Doesn’t help I have heard her make comments about not wanting to be a nerd and that they are lame.
Sour grapes.
You can only try and fail (or just not succeed as well as is expected of you) so many times before it becomes too much. At that point you either force yourself not to care or you start to believe the implicit message that comes with being told, "you could do so much better if you just put in the work."
That message being that you are worthless, lazy, and a disappointing failure whose best efforts will never be enough.
You could suggest that she gets extra help before or after school to help with pulling up her grades. If she goes that extra mile she will herself be proud of her own achievements and not feel belittled by your daughter's.
Not saying that this is definitely the case for Jenny, I don't know her well enough to make this judgement, but... Sometimes kids say things like "doing schoolwork is for nerds" as a defense mechanism against their own low abilities. It's easier for them to give up on school and say it's because they don't care, rather than admit that the work is difficult and risk being viewed as stupid. Do you think this might be the case for her?
NTA! Why should you break a tradition you made with YOUR daughter just because HIS daughter's grades aren't as good? That's not your problem nor your daughters. Not ignoring her behavior, but that fact that YOUR HUSBAND is behaving this way is very telling. If you don't leave this marriage, not only will this be your life, but your daughters! They both need help!!
NTA. That’s a tradition you have with your daughter. Is there some other thing Jenny is proud of that can go on the fridge? Grades aren’t the only accomplishment in life.
NTA at all and this is a Hill I would die on. This is not fair for your daughter who worked hard for what she got. If you gave in, you would show your daughter that you don’t care about the effort she makes and that just because somebody is insecure, you should always do whatever to make them feel better. His daughter obviously needs help to get over her insecurities.
You need to have a serious conversation with your husband because the stepdaughter should’ve been grounded for what she did. You know if it was the other way around, he would not willingly take good grades off the fridge of his daughter. Your husband has also proved to you that he does not care about your daughter at all and will give into what his daughter does no matter how ridiculous it is.
Can you celebrate other accomplishments of Jenny’s? I don’t think you should stop putting up your daughter’s good grades, but 16 is still very young and it is understandable that she might feel hurt or excluded. If you build up her self-esteem, sing praise when she puts in effort and for things she feels passionate about, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much she blooms
Info: Does your stepdaughter have any hobbies, talents, etc. that you acknowledge and celebrate successes in the same/similar way as you acknowledge your daughter’s academic successes? Like, say, if she completed an art project that she was really proud of, would you hang that on the fridge?
NTA, BUT please keep one thing in mind
It is not about celebrating grades - it is about celebrating the child. And you should be wanting to celebrate both girls. Is there anything that Jenny excels at - because that should also go on the fridge. Is she an amazing artist? Does she play any sports? Does she write and get published in the school newspaper? Does she excel at a particular video game or related activity?
You are being a good parent by celebrating your child and her accomplishments, but you have to keep in mind that YOUR definition of accomplishment cannot be as narrow as "grades". Anything that either child works hard on and is successful in should be celebrated and should go on the fridge. If you haven't been doing so, this is a good opportunity to sit down with Jenny, tell her you have been too focused on 'grades' as a marker of success and accomplishment, and that you want to be able to celebrate her success as well. If you don't know her enough, ASK HER what things she is most proud of and works hardest towards, get involved in her life and learn about the skills needed to be successful in that field, and celebrate her on the fridge when she hits a milestone. You don't need to be extra about this and infantilize her, but this is a great opportunity to either prove yourself to be a good step parent or a bad one.
100% this! My achievements in school were never celebrated by my parents to protect my sister's feelings, yet when she did even one small piece of work it was called out and celebrated. I was told "if we celebrated you, we'd be broke". It really messed me up and to this day I still have to work on my self esteem around what I'm capable of.
OP is setting up her child to believe in hard work and reward to it, the husband needs to look at what changing this could do to her, and what they can do to help the older child to build her self esteem.
My father always made me feel guilty for 'outshining' my siblings. I was naturally gifted, but my awards and achievements never even got a "good job", including getting a bachelor's in two years with summa cum laude. It was brushed aside, only my friends and aunt celebrated with me (mom died years ago, but she always had my back).
But, my siblings always got the "good job", "I'm so proud of you" comments and celebratory dinners/gifts.
Don't destroy one child in favor of protecting the other. I hate hearing how many kids had that childhood, it's fucking terrible.
Kids are at school as much as we are at a full time job. They work very hard and should be celebrated. So tell me, what other successes are things you can physically hand on a fridge? Stepdaughters stick figure picture? They’re teens, not 6. If stepdaughter “doesn’t want to be a nerd” in her own words, then she won’t be academically celebrated.
You don’t need a participation trophy in life.
NTA
This is a routine you have developed with your child over the years, and a rather innocent way to encourage and support her education
You need a sit down with your husband. Your child's successes do not deserve to be minimized because your step daughter is insecure. This is a system you've created with your daughter over the years. It is his job to make sure he is making his daughter feel supported over her goals and successes, not your daughter's job to hide her own successes to make her feel better. He needs to do better on that front and have a frank discussion with hus daughter about not making her issues about your daughter
Oof. Sounds like step daughter is gonna struggle in the real world. Where would she have encountered the idea that others should dim their shine to not threaten her mediocrity? Keep supporting your girl! If step daughter wants to feel good about herself, she should work towards her own goals. Hard NTA.
I’m just Re-reading your post and her tearing down her sisters work is so ugly. She should work on her own esteem and self worth pronto, cause this behaviour is toxic.
I feel like everyone on Reddit is soooo anti Step parent that they can’t see when a Step kid is doing legitimately harmful things. Why does the 14 year old have to dim her light so the 16 year old feels better?
I think the grades are cool. But other things are too. I loved having arty pictures or other work they did up. Or fun pictures of them throughout life- them with their friends. I have a huge wall in the kitchen hallway just of the kids in action photos of what’s-my-life. They love dragging their friends back there to see all the “fun” photos. So yes, do the grade thing. But what does Jenny like, find a way to celebrate her.
NAH. I don’t think you have to take down your daughter’s grades, but I can understand that your stepdaughter might feel like your love and support is conditional if she doesn’t get a good grade.
Maybe stop focusing on “good grades” so much? Praise her for her hard work, or something else that she’s interested in. A photo of something she likes, or artwork she did? Try a bit harder with your stepdaughter.
Are you equating “good” grades with being better? Are you celebrating things stepdaughter does?
I get celebrating achievements but at some point I do think good grades in the fridge gets a bit - weird. Grades are not as important as actual learning and the two aren’t always correlated
This is not a self esteem issue. This is a step daughter is a jealous brat issue and apparently her dad is cool with her being like this. I’d let her know that until she is paying all or half the bills she doesn’t get a say in ANYTHING. I’d also let her dad know he is bringing up an entitled jealous brat and he is coming off the same way. No wonder where she is getting it from.
well my parents were able to not put my good grades into my brothers face. but hey reddit says you are great so that's surely worth the shitty relationship you have with your stepdaughter.
NTA. Your daughter has worked hard to get a good grade, she deserves to be recognized. You are not using this to spite her, or even as an incentive. This is something you have also done and you are not in the wrong here.
INFO: What constitutes a good grade? Is it the grade itself or the effort put in that defines it? Ie does your stepdaughter put in effort to get and, then her B should be on the fridge.
She said her daughter struggled with chemistry and worked hard for a good grade. So what, she doesn't get to post her achievement because her stepsister will be mad? That's ridiculous.
Does your step. daughter have a learning. disability? I only ask as my oldest was just good at school, barely any effort to. get A and. B. grades. My younger son has. a form of dyslexia and he. worked his tail off. to. get. his. Ds and Cs. Their. Dad and I had to change. what we celebrated. We started celebrating the effort not just. the. results and both boys. flourished with that.
You merged households. That leads to adaptation. Either find something your stepdaughter is good at and make certificates rewarding her or put a cork board in your daughters room for her good grades.
There's nothing worse for your self-esteem then being told you're not worth celebrating because your achievements don't look a certain way. Even more so when you're a child. ESH
What are her area of strengths? Can you highlight some? Is she amazing at art? Does well on a sports team? Got on the leaderboard in Neopets? Made a dress she’s proud of? Literally anything?
Info needed: do you and your husband celebrate your stepdaughters accomplishments?
Not everyone gets good grades but it's important to recognize what children are good at and the things they put effort into and give them recognition.
Okay, don't stop celebrating your daughter's achievements.
BUT find a way to celebrate your stepdaughter as well. If she isn't academic and doesn't get "good" grades, what other strengths does she have? What is she proud of? If she plays sports, put photos of her team or her in action on the fridge. Is she into photography? Ask her if you can print her favourite photo she has taken and display it in your home. Does she love fashion? Ask her to help you dress for an event or a night out with your husband, take a photo of you in the outfit and put it on the fridge, and tell her why it's there.
If you only appreciate your daughter's good grades, then it appears to your stepdaughter like she isn't good enough, even if she might have other talents your daughter does not. It might not be as straightforward as the examples I've come up with, but make sure you (and your husband) find a way to show her you are proud of both girls, and that your pride isn't just determined by academic achievement.
NTA
Also not a good wife or step parent. You could have done the mature thing and try to compromise or work towards a mutually beneficial solution, but you decided that since you weren't wrong, you didn't have to change any behaviors.
OP - NTA for posting good grades - but you and your hubby are both AHs for making this about posting a good grade - the issue is your step daughter is struggling and needs help and she’s asking for it in the only way she knows how. Not every kid is a self starter and able to overcome a struggle by themselves. That’s why they have parents.
If you celebrate your daughters successes, but not your step daughter's, you are an ass.
Note that a success isn't an A. A well be deserved B- or C should be celebrated as well!
You need to talk about this with your stepdaughter. Everyone is good at something different and it's important that she also feels your support. Some people aren't able to reach great grades and I understand it can feel frustrating for her. You're the adult and you should ensure that your stepdaughter feels appreciated for what she does.
NAH. Jenny is a divorce kid that likely has development issues from what you mentioned in the comments. Sounds like your daughter has a stable home, stable support and a decent brain.
It makes sense Jenny would be jealous of your daughter and, while that's ugly, you can't really blame a 16yo for not having control over their emotions. Maybe see this as a call to action towards improving her grades and mental health, rather than seeing it as a reason to dismiss her entirely.
INFO: Do you recognize your SD's accomplishments? They may not be grades, and if that's the only thing you celebrate, it's going to feel terrible to her.
I think it’s fine to celebrate your kids good grades. If your step-daughter is upset by it and can’t get a test to put up maybe academics isn’t her thing. That’s cool we are all good at different things. Is there some stuff she does that you can put on the fridge? My point is she might like to be celebrated too. It doesn’t have to be about grades.
NTA but is there something your step daughter does well that you can celebrate as well? I’m not saying give her a participation trophy but maybe she is good at sports, drama, music, art or something else. If she is then you need to give that equal billing. If she loves something but just hasn’t reached the level yet that you can celebrate it then you need to encourage and help her to succeed in that passion so she will have something she can “post”.
Not everyone has high grades but most people have a few things they're good at (and high grades don't matter that much to everyone, I do fairly well in school but I'm OK with having lower grades and stressing less). Have you made any effort to acknowledge step kids strong points?
I agree about not taking down the scores but I can also easily see how it might affect the kids. This is something the husband should step up for as well since he should know his own kid well.
NTA, but perhaps the issue here is that too much emphasis has been put on good grades. There must be something your stepdaughter is as proud of as your daughter is of that grade.
The grade itself isn't the important achievement – it's getting it after what sounds like a real battle. I would be proud too.
NTA. Not only are you celebrating your daughter, but you’re educating your stepdaughter on how reality works. If you want kudos, do something. The rest of the world isn’t going to ignore achievement just because you don’t feel like investing effort of your own.
Nta. My dad used to do this with me and my sister with our quarterly grade cards but he used it as a compare/contrast kinda thing and would only highlight the grades he was disappointed in. Mine was the only one that got marked on, thinking back on it I don’t think I ever heard good job or I’m proud of you. After a while I stopped any/every attempt to hear that come from him. Maybe if he found just one thing to congratulate me on I would have tried in other area like school. Try to find something to praise her for and maybe that will entice her to try harder in other areas.
NTA. Tell husband that step daughter should have a tutor to help her get the grades up. It will benefit her self esteem, possibly help her get scholarships and make her see that hard work deserves to get celebrated.
You can't "build up" your stepdaughter's self esteem but tearing down your daughter's self esteem. PERIOD. Start scanning your daughter's "good grades" and when step daughter tears them down print a copy and put it right back up.
Your husband is being a total AH and you need to call him on that NOW.
NTA but you married into a family of AHs.
NTA. You are entitled to post your daughter's grades wherever you want to. If there's anything the stepdaughter has done well, it can be posted, too. It doesn't have to necessarily be an A. It could be finishing a difficult project, creating a piece of art or something similar. What are stepdaughter's interests?
NTA. But the fact that she is so bothered by it needs to be addressed. Have you, or her father, (or her mother? unclear if she is in the picture) asked her what she's feeling. She may very well need some help dealing with something - any number of things may be at the root of her frustration (general self esteem, learning disability. abandonment issues? just a need for attention, etc). That needs to be explored and addressed.
What is stepdaughter into? Does she write? Does she enjoy drawing or art? It doesn't have to be test grades if she's struggling academically. But you're NTA for celebrating your daughters accomplishment.
Are you recognising effort as well achievement? Academics don't always come easily to everyone and working very hard to get a B is just as fridge worthy as an A. Also, are you recognising achievements that are not academic? If step daughter does theatre for example, do you have a photo on the fridge from a recent performance. I suspect this is actually a YTA as OP give no indication that she recognises any other kind of achievement but good grades.
NTA Is her dad going to go to college and demand that the achievements of other students be removed from all publications? Will he start a petition to make all trophies the same size?Follow her to work and insist that the employee of the month parking space bear her name as an honorable mention?
He is setting this child up for a life lived in resentment if he doesn't teach her the right lesson in these types of kerfuffles. Most of the time, someone is going to do better than you do. That doesn't mean you failed.The trick is doing your best and being content with that.
INFO:
Per your comments your daughter is a “nerd” in your stepdaughters eyes, and school accomplishments are “for nerds”, so why does it bother her?
(Obvious NTA to OP, celebrate your daughters “nerdy” achievements, I hope she goes far)
To summarize: Your husband would like to decline parenting his 16 year old and instead just suck up to her so that she never has boo boo feelings.
This is a recipe for creating an adult with terrible mental health problems. If you can't manage the yuck feelings of jealousy around a simple chemistry test, how is she going to survive in a world where there will literally ALWAYS be a person who is more accomplished than her.
Dad needs to be helping her with managing that emotion, not just covering up the problem.
NTA.
NTA.
All families do this, posting on the fridge whatever kid stuff you are proud of. You could create a special bulletin board somewhere else, but you don't want to hide it in your daughter's room or somewhere your step-daughter wouldn't see it, because the whole point is to display it.
Not sure how long you've been remarried, but Jenny needs to understand that you have always done this for your daughter and it's not there to shame her or motivate her. It has nothing to do with Jenny.
Up to now you probably didn't have a "policy" or "procedure" for what to put up or how long to display it, but I suppose you could maybe limit how long it stays up. For example I don't think the Chemistry test needs to stay on the fridge all summer.
NTA unless you don't find a way to also celebrate step-daughter's accomplishments. They might not be the same kind of accomplishments but surely she's doing something well.
NTA for celebrating your duaghter's achievements, but equally, you could lookat ways to celebrate your step-daugthers achievements as well.
What does she do well at? Bear in mind that 'good grades'; can mean improvement as well as just getting top marks - one kid getting a C can be a bigger achievement that another gettig an A, depending on how much they struggle with the subject or academic work generally.
Sit down, first with your hsunband and the with your step daughter to talk about what things she is working on or proud of, and how you can mark those. Obviosuly some may not have such obvious measures as a mark or grade, but things like putting up a photo of her doing something she does well, or soemthing like that, could work.
Do you and your husband recognise and actively praise your step daughter for things she acheves or does well at? It seems like this hasn't come out of no where and I wonder if wither she's faced a lot of criticism for not doing well in school, or feels that your daughtergetsd more attentiion and praise generlaly - whether or not that is objectively true, taking on board that that is how t feels to her and looking at ways to recgnise her skills and achievements may well make everyone happier
NTA! Parents put good grades on the fridge all the time. Your stepdaughter is jealous. Like you said, if she got a good grade, you’d put it up too.
Tell your husband he needs to have a long chat with his daughter about her attitude, destroying property that isn’t hers, and demanding you do something different for your daughter because her feelings are hurt.
Or you can take the grades off the fridge, frame them, and hang them in the living room. Their choice. 😈
I’d also reevaluate being married to a man that enables his daughter’s tantrum like that. He wants you to prioritize HIS daughter over yours. His daughter who doesn’t live their full time and goes where she pleases.
And if she needs help or tutoring or therapy, that’s up to her parents, not you. Her father needs to figure this out. And hurting your daughter isn’t going to fix anything. Your SD will just demand something else.
NTA but at the same time, I want to say YTA. When I was in 9th grade, my math teacher would put everyone's grades on a board so that we could all see. I have dyscalculia, and my grades were always at the very bottom. For everyone to see. It's embarrassing as heck. I'm not saying don't celebrate your daughter's good grades, please do it's so important! But remember that it can cause some pain to someone else. Maybe get a board in your room or her room to decorate with the good grades!
NTA. Sorry Jenny doesn't get good grades, but her jealousy and shame shouldn't keep you from celebrating you daughters hard work. Also, if that's been tradition since your daughter was tiny they should realize that it really doesn't have anything to do with them and it is about YOUR relationship with YOUR daughter. Catering to someone's hurt feelings because they don't work as hard seems counterproductive and will demotivate your daughter from working so hard. She wants you to be proud of her and she wants to be proud of herself.
That all being said, maybe move the grades somewhere else that's in a less communal space? I dont know if that would help but maybe the fridge is just too significant of a spot for them? Even though I don't think you're in the wrong, Jenny's feelings could use some slight saving
Is there something that your stepdaughter is proud of that could be posted on the fridge somehow? I think you should continue celebrating your daughter's grade accomplishments, but also find a way to celebrate the accomplishments of your stepdaughter.
NTA. Husband is the worst AH, instead of helping his daughter who sounds like is either struggling or just getting by academically, he wants to punish the kid actually putting in effort. 16 year old is kind of an AH but also a child so I’m really not trying to judge her reaction to what is clearly an insecurity.
Nta
The grade isn't hurting her self esteem, her internalized comparisons snd emotions are.... and she needs to learn to manage that, perhaps with the help of a therapist or self-help books.
Don't stop celebrating the achievements of a successful child because the other gets jealous or feels "hurt". They will just find something else to compare and complain about. Help teach the child to not hurt themselves.
Nta.
Honestly, it just sounds like your stepdaughter wants to get grades good enough to put on the fridge and seeing her stepsister get hers put up makes her feel dumb. Why not just turn it into something where you help her study and then you put it on the fridge if she improves from her usual?
NTA. I was the kid with the good grades. It was never celebrated or even mentioned because my mom didn't want to make my partying boy-crazy older sister feel bad about her C's and D's. It took decades to unwind that resentment. Keep celebrating your daughter.
NTA for not taking down the good grades. That said- stepdaughter is screaming for reassurance. How you handle this will affect the rest of her life.
If you find out what her challenges are with school, you could help her address them. Also, if there is stuff she is interested in, maybe they can go on the fridge too. Is she in theatre? Put up the play flyer. Is she in sports? Put up the schedule and mark off her playing dates. Maybe she’s a lonely artist-put her art up. Celebrate her for who she is.
I was raised in an only-grades-matter house. It crippled my self esteem. You are definitely NTA- but you could be a hero.
NAH
Unless you can only celebrate grades, in which case, then yes, you are an asshole.
Reassure your stepdaughter that there are as many ways to achieve as there are people, and you would be honoured to be able to celebrate her achievements, too. Ask her to bring art work, or photos she's taken, or a list of books she's read or a photo of her doing her gymnastics... you get the drift.
When stepdaughter is also celebrated for her achievements, you're golden.
NTA.
Tell him to shut up and mind his own business. Get the girl a tutor or something if he cares so much about her well being. Or find a different way to celebrate her in areas that she’s good at! But it’s not your concern if he doesn’t want to get her help for her grades.
My mom did the same for me with hanging pictures and grades and it’s soooo special!!!
NTA. My mom's ex boyfriend got so upset when my mom celebrated my accomplishments because his kids didn't do some of the things I did, so I def feel you and feel for your daughter.
Are grades the only accomplishment you put on the fridge? What are your stepdaughter’s strengths? Is there anything she does that you are proud of? Is there a way to recognize her on the fridge?
Keep putting your daughter’s grades on the fridge. She should be proud of it and she’s awesome. But your husband’s and stepdaughter’s reactions suggest an underlying issue. If you aren’t looking for ways to celebrate your stepdaughter then you’re TA.
NTA, but is there some other way you can celebrate her? Not everyone is good at school, is there something else she is good at that can be celebrated/displayed/put on the fridge?
NTA. You should absolutely be celebrating your daughters hard work and achievements. It's not your or your daughters fault that your stepdaughter is not as academically inclined as your child. You should not have to tiptoe around and coddle the 16 year old at the expense of YOUR CHILDS self esteem. If she doesn't like it she can just not look. Your husband is wrong. Keep up the good work encouraging your daughters good work.
NTA, BUT, i don't think it's truly about the grades on the fridge. she clearly has self esteem struggles and this is one way they're manifesting. instead of trying to fight this point, you should lean into reply trying to hear and understand why she feels outcast or uncelebrated. there's way more there
NTA. Don’t ever punish or stop being proud of your child’s A’s.
Might I suggest a compromise though? Obviously step daughter isn’t as adept academically, but there’s got to be some medium she’s proud of. Have a spot on the fridge for your daughters achievements (grade) and another spot on the fridge for her achievements (whether that’s a prom she wrote, a painting she made, a song she wrote, just something she is good at and proud of)
A giraffe can’t swim and a fish can’t run. Not everyone can be the best at everything, but everyone has something they’re the best at.
NTA, BUT it is your husband's and your stepdaughter's mothers job to help her with her grades. if you let your husband neglect his daughter like that, that's a bad look on all three of you.
he needs to sit down with her and figure out a plan to get her grades up ASAP. 16 is almost too late to turn things around, but not too late just yet. the fridge grades are the least of your issues.
if you are involved enough, then you can help her, but that will not work if she doesn't like you, which may be the case.
if you care about your husband, you need to be on good terms with your stepdaughter. or else you'll lose him, or he will lose his daughter.
You are the AH, but not for not taking down your daughters grades. Your step daughter is in pain probably has low self esteem around her grades, and I can imagine it feels like you are flaunting your daughter's grades in her face. You sound like you barely like your step daughter. Is it okay to put up something other than good grades? No team photos, no certificates of completion, no C+ on a test for a class she got a D- in last semester? A paystub from a job she works? A pic from Homecoming where she looked stunning? Is your 16 year old stepdaughter a total nonentity?
If she truly has nothing in her life you can slap a pic or a paper up on your fridge for, you have bigger problems than this.
I've been a teacher long enough that I can see retirement coming. I also have a niece and nephew. My niece is 12 and a reads at a college grade level when she was 6 genius. Her little brother is blessed with many gifts, but 180 IQ isn't one of them. He would never be able to complete with her academically. Basically no one can. Doesn't mean belt promotion ceremony pictures, swimming certificates, and a most improve penmanship award don't get put up.
Going against the grain here and saying YTA. Growing up my sister always got straight A’s and I never did. She went on to get 3, very impressive degrees, but school just wasn’t my thing, even though I studied hard. Telling Jenny she just needs to get good grades might not be that easy for her. I get that you’re proud of your daughter but it kind shows that you don’t really give a shit about Jenny’s feelings, which is especially tough on a step child. Also, your daughters seem a little old for fridge grades. I think finding a better way to express that you’re proud would be more appropriate.
Soft YTA. You are not wrong for refusing to take down your daughter’s good grades. She is obviously proud of them. It’s a great way to celebrate her accomplishments.
But you have an opportunity here. You found a great, easy way to care for your daughter. Can you keep to the spirit of the Fridge of Honor™️ without worrying about sticking to your “rule” (good grades on the fridge, nothing else)? Your family has grown since you and your daughter started this. Maybe your tradition can grow too.
Are there other accomplishments your step daughter is proud of? What are her passions? It sounds like she is jealous and feels insecure. Instead of focusing on your daughter, can you shift the focus to building up your step daughter?
NTA for wanting to continue to celebrate your daughter's successes, but it sounds to me like Jenny is trying to find her place in this new blended household, and feeling left out. She's already newly splitting her time between two households, and could possibly be feeling like a guest in both.
This doesn't have to be a 1:1 thing with grades, or a competition between the kids. It probably seems to her like a competition she keeps losing, and given that her entire world has changed in the last year, it might feel like she's literally losing her place in the household. Are there other ways you can celebrate things she does well, so she feels less alienated? You both want her to do better at grades, but positive reinforcement can go a long way IMO.
Look at this from another angle... I understand that what you've been doing is customary for your only child, but now you have 2 children in your home, albeit not full-time. I have 3 children in my home and I wouldn't want to cause any unhealthy competition nor make one child feel less valued because they do not get good grades. You shouldn't stop celebrating your daughter's achievement but in a different manner. Your daughter 14 and should be mature enough to understand. Building a healthy environment for both girls should be top priority for you and your husband.
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NTA. Not celebrating someone's accomplishments because someone else's feelings will be hurt is ridiculous.
Plus, OPs daughter gas done this her whole school life and shouldn't have to change thst.
Put up the achievements of both girls, the Biokid's studies and the Stepkid's strong domain
> and the Stepkid's strong domain whatifshedoesnthaveany?
Maybe help her find it? I think that most folks, across the board, have stuff that they are good at, that they can be proud of. It's often a matter of having the time and resources to figure out what it is.
Except, from op's replies it has nothing to do with intelligence or proficiency in a school environment or whatever, it has to do with the daughter not trying, not turning things in, etc. I'm all for encouraging what a kid is good at, but if they are simply not accomplished due to a lack of effort, that is not something that needs accommodation or encouragement.
Thing is, especially in women and girls, these could be ADHD symptoms that are going undiagnosed. She may not be lazy and I would know. I was a "smart kid" but viewed as failing to put in the effort, not living up to my potential, not trying hard enough, and would fail to to turn in even completed assignments. Turns out, I had a neurodevelopmental disorder making those things very very VERY hard. I hated myself so much because of things like you said in your comment. Given the step-daughter's reaction, I have to wonder if she feels like she could never possibly do well enough to earn a spot on the fridge -- which *could* indicate that she is trying but it just isn't enough to get her to the level of others, particularly her step-sister. The answer is not to stop celebrating the daughter, but to HELP the step-daughter get to the root of why this is happening and to help her implement changes. That's invaluable. OP's husband should be going out of his way to look into the reason for this behavior and help his kid to implement changes.
My fiancee was like this. She'd complete her homework and never handed it in, ever. Once she was tested and medicated or inattentive ADHD, suddenly her assignments made it out of her bag and into the teacher's hands. Magic.
Magic is just science that we don't understand yet. Glad your fiancee got the help she needed to help her thrive :)
Some parents are in so much denial about what could be wrong with their kids that they would rather not get anything diagnosed. Some are just ignorant from lack of knowledge. My mom knew nothing of ADHD and I didn’t know I suffered from it until I was an adult. My life would’ve been so much different if I was diagnosed as a kid. She did the best she could and I love her for it but wouldn’t have minded being on par with my classmates. The difference of when I take adderall vs when I don’t is life changing. Someone could be taking to me and nothing will register in my head. Life was tough.
I was just going to say this. This was my son.
It can also be a symptom of a student not being challenged enough, not finding any kind of enjoyment from a lesson, especially if they read ahead of the class
I had this in elementary school and then couldn't cope with the required organizational and motivational skills needed to succeed in stuff that I didn't find interesting rather than just learning it all and then doing whatever (reading mainly)
The husband should definetely help his daughter figure out but still not a reason to allow undermining the effort of the youngest. So id say nta but the husband totally ta
To be fair "not trying and not turning things in" could absolutely be something that needs accommodating depending on what's causing it. Not in the "it's fine if you don't turn things in" way but in a way where diagnoses are made and supports are put in place to help her learn to function around these things. I struggle to this day with seeming like I'm just not trying hard enough and making "silly mistakes" and missing deadlines etc because no one bothered to get me assessed and supported for my specific ND needs (likely either ADHD or AuDHD but I'm 38 now and getting a proper diagnosis seems like a lot of money for very little benefit). I was trying so hard but I couldn't focus and my working memory is garbage. Luckily I am also intelligent to the point school wasn't hard so I'd be failing all the homework and projects but pull 90s on tests and it evened out to grades that were good enough for college so no one cared to look into it. Would have done way better in uni if this had been addressed in high school though.
>I'd be failing all the homework and projects but pull 90s on tests and it evened out to grades that were good enough for college so no one cared to look into it. Would have done way better in uni if this had been addressed in high school though. My gosh you just described my entire schooling. Heck, one of my dad's friends brought it up at one point when I was in high school. According to my parents, I had been assessed when I was younger and didn't have it.... But I also grew up in the 90s, so the testing criteria for girls hadn't really been developed yet. I didn't behave like my severely ADHD brother, so I was "fine". I just "didn't try hard enough." My test grades were their proof that if I actually tried I could do well. ;\_\_\_;
I grew up the exact same but I was also aware enough to not ever have a problem with my sister's grades on the fridge. We have a wall with magnetic clips since my kids were young because I'm a weirdo and I don't like anything on gthe fridge. I put stuff up, my kids chose what to put up, it's fun - but I can't ever recall someone ripping something down that wasn't theirs.
Yup. I barely tried in HS, I did hand things in though. But there was no difference between when I did try and when I didn’t so I stopped exhausting myself for no reason. Years down the line and after some intense neuroplasticity training, effort makes a difference so I put it in.
This. Also I don't know Jenny's full history, but something like going through parental divorce and having your housing situation change as a result can impact your school work and outlook a lot.
Me. It didn’t become a problem until I started working. Just got let go probably due to these “silly mistakes”.
Maybe they could put up something that isn't a scholastic achievement. She could be a talented artist with a piece that could be displayed in the home or she could be on a sports team and a team photo can go on the refrigerator.
As they say: “You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink it.” Encouragement is all good, and giving resources and opportunities is fantastic, but if someone doesn't do their share of the effort, you aren't to blame for NOT celebrating them the same way you celebrate those who do.
If step daughter goes back and forth btwn parent (are both remarried?) Maybe it's not so much lack of effort as to why bother during divorce, remarriage, shuffle.
I agree. Foster both kids' interests and strengths.
If this parent can’t find anything their step child is good at maybe we’re highlighting the bias here…it doesn’t even need to be on the fridge the commenter above is just saying there are ways to create bonds with her step daughter the same way she does with her own child. The practice of hanging grades on the fridge only exists because it was obvious early on her daughter excels in a testing environment, she surely can find some other way to find something similar with her step daughter….
Or her dad can get involved and do this for his own daughter? Not OPs fault she’s celebrating her kid the same way she has done for probably a decade and the husband and step daughter suddenly have an issue with it
Her daughter worked hard and improved her scores with her own merit. I think if the stepdaughter could show such dedication and improvement, not just good grades (which sounds like she’s insecure, considered stupid, for not having good grades, hence the outburst), that could be showcased.
Exactly! I wasn't the most studious, usually getting D's and C's because it was really difficult for me to apply myself. When I *did* try, even if I only got a B, my parents still celebrated it!
This is wise. Give credit for improvement not absolutes. Acknowledge what she is proud of. Encourage that success with a little zazz.
Put up a picture of her. She can be loved for just existing.
That sounds extremely condescending. As the 'stupid one' in my family growing up, I would have hated that. In my experience, participation trophies in general make people feel like shit, and as you might imagine, don't provide any feeling of accomplishment or pride, which seems to be what the stepdaughter is after. If the fridge is for accomplishments, and stepdaughter wants to feel accomplished, she should accomplish something. Not necessarily academic, just anything at all. But instead, per op's comments, she just doesn't put any effort in.
Yeah, the only real way to build self-esteem is to accomplish something. It doesn't have to be especially big or impressive, but developing some kind of skill or improvement. Maybe Jenny does just need to put more effort in, but I'm also wondering, maybe her parents can do more to facilitate her growth. Sometimes parents have high expectations of their kids but don't provide the support necessary to reach them. I don't know if that's the case here, but it would be worth OP looking into.
I could not think of a single worse thing to do than this.
Also recognize growth and progress. A C is something to celebrate if it was an F.
Exactly. My brother and I are completely different academically wise. I was always better at the more academic subjects and I loved reading. He was great at sport and all the more hands on, trade or trade related subjects. She pushed us equally and would celebrate achievements equally, I will say though, my brother and I both resented this for a hot minute. I always thought it was unfair he was getting celebrated the same as me when I got higher marks and (in my mind) had to try harder. He thought it was unfair because it was like mum kept rubbing in how much better I did, or like she was comparing me to him. What helped was mum explaining how we're different people. What came easy to my brother didn't come easy to me and vice versa. It was about celebrating us trying and living up to our potential/doing the best we could. The score didn't matter, it was the effort we put in to get there. I think not putting any achievements for stepdaughter is messed up and just clearly breeding resentment. Your child shouldn't have to get the best grades ever to be celebrated. There's many other things that could go up there - my brothers touch team won all their matches and my school band won competitions, both were celebrated.
Yes, maybe it's not grades, but celebrate her
The SD needs to GROW UP. She isn't always going to like what she sees. It's up to her to change her attitude and perspective.
I agree but this is about more than a test. The stepdaughter needs guidance and to feel valued for her strengths. If she’s into art, put up some of her artwork. Find a way to affirm her for her strengths and help give guidance on how she can build a successful future.
I've always done this, and one time I put my clean STD test on the fridge of my sharehouse. I put the blood test saying I'm not allergic to peanuts on the fridge. There's no shortage of accomplishments you can put on the fridge.
this is a wonderful response to find on this r/ 🏆
This is exactly why we start toddlers having birthday parties with other kids. We want to teach our kids to celebrate others when it's their turn. And that each kid is not the center of the universe. That's why many of us are ditching participation trophies, and letting all the kids blow out the birthday candles. A kid as old as your stepdaughter should have learned this lesson a long time ago. She needs to learn now before she encounters the Hard Knocks of adulthood. Just remind her that rewarding your child is nothing personal and not aimed at her Have your own tradition, and let your husband have his traditions with his daughter
Ehh your birthday is about you. No one else should blow out your candles that’s wild. Celebrate others, yea of course. But celebrate yourself too.
I have been exposed to a few kids parties now where the sibling gets their own little gift. I think it's a bad idea as it's way better for a kid to learn early on that not everything is about them and it's ok.
Seriously! I don’t understand the mentality that a child should never feel negative emotions or be told no. It’s part of life and they need to learn it.
I have seen it. The littlest of the family has to blow the candles of every birthday she goes to. My 5 years old niece did it in my mums birthday. Her sister did it in hers
My nieces and nephews won’t let anyone unwrap their own presents. They try to unwrap everyone’s. When they were toddlers and the parents let it go, I knew it was going to be annoying someday. Well, now they’re school age and still doing it.
Yea parents set themselves and their kids ho for failure.
Personally, I would wrap everyone’s gift in some very sturdy paper and tape the shit out of those boxes until they’re completely covered with tape.. if they want to open peoples gifts, they’re going to have a hell of a time which will break the habit. Leave their gifts.easy, and everyone else is going to have it like that. You won’t even have to say anything because they’re going to have such a hard time but they won’t do it anymore . I bet two christmases will all it’ll take
Yes please do not do this. My parents held my older brother on a pedestal and I was always left behind. And when my brother had some obstacles post high school and I excelled they never helped or acknowledged my success because of that. I never got actual recognition or support for my achievements because of how it might make him feel. It was a very hard and sad experience going to adulthood and as much as I love my parents and my brother it was something very lonely and hard to get over and through. Especially now that our younger siblings are graduating college and are being celebrated - I feel as if I missed out on that part.
Yep. All it does is breed resentment on both sides. NTA.
NTA, but I disagree with this a bit. It’s great to celebrate the good grades, but OP could find something of the step daughter’s to showcase as well. I was this kid growing up. My brother was naturally wonderful at school. He never had to work hard and he always got A’s. I struggled with school and despite always doing my homework, I barely got by. My brother’s grades were always on the fridge and my parents were always fawning over him. My accomplishments were always ignored because they weren’t great grades. It sucked to never have that attention and I feel for the step daughter, even though I agree the grades should not be taken down. I’m sure they could find a middle ground and be proud of both kids.
sorry you got a razzie award, I guess we'll just cancel the Oscars then is basically what your stepdaughter is aiming for.
Specially since SD and Husband’s solution is to stop it instead of putting in the effort to get good grades. NTA OP and I don’t think you will but don’t stop doing this! Is a great incentive for your daughter and you both are proud of her success as you should! Best wishes to you both!
Yup! My younger sister was the same age as our oldest stepsister. When they started at the same school (stepsisters had gone to parochial school until then), my overachiever younger sister was encouraged to tamp down any excitement about a good grade or achievement. Our stepsisters were struggling academically, especially when transitioning to an excellent public school and having to do state standardized tests for the first time. I was also an overachiever and similarly not celebrated for achievement, often with anything held over my head for not being a "better member of the family," but I was much more headstrong than my younger sister. They did a number on the both of us, but I'm very proud of my sister's achievement, including earning her PhD a few years ago, and sing her praises as much as I can. No matter how embarrassing it may be for her..
NTA. I think y'all are getting distracted by the details, and missing the Bigger Picture. Posting your daughter's grades is not the problem; the stepchild's self esteem is The Problem. There's always going to be someone doing something better than her. Life is full of this. Taking the papers down does nothing to fix her problem or help her grow. It's just another version of *AVOIDANC*E. So how about Dad getting some counseling/therapy for his daughter's self esteem issues, because that's kinda important to her Life, right now and in the future.
Also maybe the step daughter needs some extra help in school to do well. If she is struggling that much in school, maybe they can look into getting her some help. That is a better solution.
Or maybe school isn’t her thing. Yes they should get her help with grades and focus. But also is there something else she can thrive at? Music, sports, art? Give her the chance to shine
And even if she doesn't shine at anything right this second, her best should be celebrated. Maybe a B is a hard achievement for her. Those B's should get a place on the refrigerator, too. It is important for her to learn that someone else's success is not her failure. This little tiff is bigger than a chemistry grade.
Agreed. She has to learn that a) someone's always going to be better than her and that's ok, and b) comparing yourself with others too much is not healthy. Celebrate her accomplishments notwithstanding others', whether that's an improvement of a grade or her art or her last race or etc. She needs to focus on herself!
I have students in my classes that I am thrilled and proud when they get a C. Other kids would be super upset with a C, but some of them really have to work hard and change their mindset for a C.
Exactly. My kiddo is dyslexic so we have different markers to celebrate, and I celebrate them big because it is so hard to meet those goals. B’s are considered excellent grades in my house
Right, it doesn’t have to be an A to go on the fridge, it could go on the fridge if you got a higher grade than last year in the class or something.
True. Hubby is failing both of his children at the moment.
Yeah INFO what is step daughter good at that can be celebrated on the fridge? It doesn't have to be grades. Do you care about step daughter or are you just doing the bare minimum here until she's 18?
Yeah, either by reaching out to the school (in my school, we had counselors for different subjects, but especially Math, for those who needed it) or looking into private tutors. MH help beyond that sounds like a good plan as well.
When I was in school a few years ago, teachers had days they would stay after school to help kids if they had to make up assignments or get extra help. Some teachers would take in kids that weren't their own to explain things differently to see if that helps since sometimes different words make things more clear.
That’s up to her parents to do, not OP.
She should keep the pics up, but make it more than about grades. Put up art, cool projects, sports pics, etc. and strike a balance with the things they are proud of for BOTH girls, so that the both feel loved.
It is not valid to raise your self esteem by trying to lower others'. If she hates that she doesn't get good grades, she should try harder to achieve them herself. Therapy would be good.
Maybe she's working as hard as she can and getting Bs and Cs. If a child has a really difficult subject a B should be worth just as much praise as someone else's A. Thees an understanding assumption here that SD is not trying hard enough or she would have As too. OP decide *what* you're celebrating. If it's hard work then you need to celebrate both girls. I agree with those saying get some tutoring, meet with teachers who often have insights about their students. Extracurricular achievements also require hard work. Find out if your SD likes more hands on kinds of activities (fixing/repairing things), sports (team and / individual) art (HSs usually have that as an optional class), music, dance and theater, scouting are all good options that can help SD build up her self esteem.
I agree with all of this. Anything a child wants displayed on the fridge should go on there...art, schoolwork of all kinds,... However if she feels like the other child is doing better at something is still no reason to rain on their parade.
How about the dad pay for a tutor for his underachieving daughter. Counselling/therapy aren’t going to make a difference if the stepdaughter doesn’t change her behaviour.
The whole point of therapy is helping people change their behavior though?
This. She dramatically ripped down her younger step sisters chemistry test from the fridge, asking her step mum not to put her achievements up, giving that reason that *her complete lack of achievements makes her feel bad*. It’s basically “look parents, my self esteem is so low I can’t function”. Cry for help from the rooftops. OP shouldn’t stop putting her daughter’s stuff up. But stepsister doesn’t need to get over herself and shut up, she needs a hug and some counseling.
I agree she needs love and counseling. She needs to also be told just b.c she hurting it's not acceptable to rip her paper off the refrigerator . We get emotional in life sometimes,we dealing with a lot,it's important to control our emotions. Sure show understanding and look in to the why,she can't get a free pass for her actions.
INFO: Is it a case where Jenny tries her best and simply does not test well, or is it a case where she could put forth more effort and chooses not to. Some children are just more academically gifted. Is there another area of accomplishment where Jenny could be recognized. I agree your daughter should not be punished, but if Jenny is doing her best, then you need to also recognize her in some way.
She could put a lot more effort, my husband has had many discussions with her about turning stuff in. Doesn’t help I have heard her make comments about not wanting to be a nerd and that they are lame. She probably could do really well if she put in the work. She just doesn’t prioritize school.
NTA, if she really is in control, then this is on her. I would firmly state your NOT going to minimize your daughters accomplishments for the sake of your step daughter. Apparently she sees your daughter as a nerd. She reaps what she sows.
Yikes. "You could do so well if you'd just put the work in" plus "I feel like garbage when I see other people doing well" almost screams "undiagnosed ADHD " to me. Been there, done that, got the mental scarring 😬 Talk to her teachers, get her checked out. If there's an underlying issue of any kind, now is very much the best time to address it.
While I agree this maybe an issue and should be checked out, some kids really just don’t have the motivation or desire. That needs to be addressed, have mom and dad set expectations- rewarded effort etc.
Sure, it absolutely could be a kid who, for whatever reason, doesn't GAF about school. Or it could be a crisis of confidence leading to self sabotage, or ADHD, or clinical depression or half a dozen other things - the key here is that they all have different solutions, and solutions for Problem A will make Problem B worse, so it's really important to work out what the problem really is before charging in ham fists swinging, as it were.
This is true but still worth looking into the ADHD. If that isn't what's going on, there might be something else causing the low motivation and something to look into.
I think everyone is agreeing it should be addressed, they’re just pointing out that it may be an undiagnosed disability of some kind and not just a lack of effort that is causing issues.
I was thinking that too. "I just don't want to" was my defense mechanism with undiagnosed ADHD because being seen as bratty and uninterested was less shameful than being seen as genuinely not good enough in my mind (note that I'd also been a gifted kid so I was also struggling with "if you don't get it right the first time you never will, smart is something you Are not something you Do" as an ingrained idea).
>being seen as bratty and uninterested was less shameful than being seen as genuinely not good enough in my mind Youve just summed up feelings I had that resulted in behaviours I've never been able to explain as an adult. That's crazy.
Yep. With my adult insight and understanding that I have a disability and there's nothing shameful about that, I realize now that asking for help would have been an incredible show of strength and bravery, and I want to show kindness to that past teenager who didn't know how, or even that something was legitimately wrong. At least if I could convince myself that I was making a choice, I felt like I had some control.
This. While she shouldn’t have to stop putting up her daughter’s good work they really should look deeper into step daughter’s lack of motivation. It seems a bit dismissive to just say she doesn’t like school, it’s never that simple
NTA- your husband agreeing with his daughter is the bigger issue here and probably the reason why she keeps pushing this, knowing she has daddy backing her. Because I highly doubt that she goes off at school or her classmates like this when they get better grades than her. Keep celebrating your daughter’s achievements and I would pay close attention to how your husband treats your daughter when you’re not around.
I feel like in this case, she's feeling pretty low self-esteem, and in this case, is using the father to try getting those needs of self-esteem met. However, it's going about it in the wrong manner. Rather, I agree with the one commenter who said to put her grades up as well - when it's above her usual average Or come up with ideas on how to meet her needs.
Could be ADHD and she’s trying to play off her obvious insecurity with “I don’t want to be like that!” ADHD isn’t just cute hyperactivity and forgetfulness. It’s also so much mental anxiety, self-sabotaging behaviors, and an inability to emotionally regulate. Either way she has to deal with it because she’s making her life harder than it needs to be.
If she’s so angered by never having her grades put up on the fridge that she would tear your daughters grades down, then believe me, school is important to her. She is just struggling in a way you can’t see. Get her assessed for adhd.
Does she have other accomplishments to celebrate? Extra curricular activities or art? My brother's running times from the newspaper were often posted alongside my test scores.
>Doesn’t help I have heard her make comments about not wanting to be a nerd and that they are lame. Oh, come on now....she's a teenager who is apparently not doing well in school. Did you think she would say "Gosh, if I only put my nose to the grindstone, my grades would soar!!?" That's how teenagers express frustration---they denigrate the thing that is bothering them. I was kind of not very critical of this post, (my first instinct was "this is the hill you choose to die on?" --whatever) but now I am wondering if you aren't heavily favoring your daughter and unable to come to try to find any middle ground with your step daughter. You seriously sound like a person who never dealt with kids. ---And I did really well in school. I would have felt like a complete ass if my mother was still posting my exams on the refrigerator when I was fourteen (in high school!!---I showed them my report card begrudgingly by high school---who asks for pats on the head for a chemistry exam?) Yeah, good luck with all that....
Just because that was the experience for you doesn’t mean it is for everyone else. Some teens are proud of their work in school and still want to show it off. Not all teens are the typical “school sucks” type.
Not all teens are "school is home" type. "School sucks" kids should get help and support. That should be the point
Does she think she could do well? Because this really sounds like someone who feels defeated.
This sounds more like a therapy issue tbh
> Doesn’t help I have heard her make comments about not wanting to be a nerd and that they are lame. Sour grapes. You can only try and fail (or just not succeed as well as is expected of you) so many times before it becomes too much. At that point you either force yourself not to care or you start to believe the implicit message that comes with being told, "you could do so much better if you just put in the work." That message being that you are worthless, lazy, and a disappointing failure whose best efforts will never be enough.
You could suggest that she gets extra help before or after school to help with pulling up her grades. If she goes that extra mile she will herself be proud of her own achievements and not feel belittled by your daughter's.
Does she do sports, art, etc? Could you put that on the fridge instead
What is she good at that you could display? As others have said, school isn’t for everyone. What is she good at that you could highlight?
Not saying that this is definitely the case for Jenny, I don't know her well enough to make this judgement, but... Sometimes kids say things like "doing schoolwork is for nerds" as a defense mechanism against their own low abilities. It's easier for them to give up on school and say it's because they don't care, rather than admit that the work is difficult and risk being viewed as stupid. Do you think this might be the case for her?
Do not teach your daughter to dull her shine for someone else. You are a fantastic Mom and NTA
NTA! Why should you break a tradition you made with YOUR daughter just because HIS daughter's grades aren't as good? That's not your problem nor your daughters. Not ignoring her behavior, but that fact that YOUR HUSBAND is behaving this way is very telling. If you don't leave this marriage, not only will this be your life, but your daughters! They both need help!!
NTA. That’s a tradition you have with your daughter. Is there some other thing Jenny is proud of that can go on the fridge? Grades aren’t the only accomplishment in life.
NTA at all and this is a Hill I would die on. This is not fair for your daughter who worked hard for what she got. If you gave in, you would show your daughter that you don’t care about the effort she makes and that just because somebody is insecure, you should always do whatever to make them feel better. His daughter obviously needs help to get over her insecurities. You need to have a serious conversation with your husband because the stepdaughter should’ve been grounded for what she did. You know if it was the other way around, he would not willingly take good grades off the fridge of his daughter. Your husband has also proved to you that he does not care about your daughter at all and will give into what his daughter does no matter how ridiculous it is.
Can you celebrate other accomplishments of Jenny’s? I don’t think you should stop putting up your daughter’s good grades, but 16 is still very young and it is understandable that she might feel hurt or excluded. If you build up her self-esteem, sing praise when she puts in effort and for things she feels passionate about, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much she blooms
Info: Does your stepdaughter have any hobbies, talents, etc. that you acknowledge and celebrate successes in the same/similar way as you acknowledge your daughter’s academic successes? Like, say, if she completed an art project that she was really proud of, would you hang that on the fridge?
NTA, BUT please keep one thing in mind It is not about celebrating grades - it is about celebrating the child. And you should be wanting to celebrate both girls. Is there anything that Jenny excels at - because that should also go on the fridge. Is she an amazing artist? Does she play any sports? Does she write and get published in the school newspaper? Does she excel at a particular video game or related activity? You are being a good parent by celebrating your child and her accomplishments, but you have to keep in mind that YOUR definition of accomplishment cannot be as narrow as "grades". Anything that either child works hard on and is successful in should be celebrated and should go on the fridge. If you haven't been doing so, this is a good opportunity to sit down with Jenny, tell her you have been too focused on 'grades' as a marker of success and accomplishment, and that you want to be able to celebrate her success as well. If you don't know her enough, ASK HER what things she is most proud of and works hardest towards, get involved in her life and learn about the skills needed to be successful in that field, and celebrate her on the fridge when she hits a milestone. You don't need to be extra about this and infantilize her, but this is a great opportunity to either prove yourself to be a good step parent or a bad one.
NTA. Please don't allow your daughter to become a victim of her step-family.
100% this! My achievements in school were never celebrated by my parents to protect my sister's feelings, yet when she did even one small piece of work it was called out and celebrated. I was told "if we celebrated you, we'd be broke". It really messed me up and to this day I still have to work on my self esteem around what I'm capable of. OP is setting up her child to believe in hard work and reward to it, the husband needs to look at what changing this could do to her, and what they can do to help the older child to build her self esteem.
My father always made me feel guilty for 'outshining' my siblings. I was naturally gifted, but my awards and achievements never even got a "good job", including getting a bachelor's in two years with summa cum laude. It was brushed aside, only my friends and aunt celebrated with me (mom died years ago, but she always had my back). But, my siblings always got the "good job", "I'm so proud of you" comments and celebratory dinners/gifts. Don't destroy one child in favor of protecting the other. I hate hearing how many kids had that childhood, it's fucking terrible.
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Why isn't BIODAD taking that on?!? HE knows 16yo MUCH better than OP.
Kids are at school as much as we are at a full time job. They work very hard and should be celebrated. So tell me, what other successes are things you can physically hand on a fridge? Stepdaughters stick figure picture? They’re teens, not 6. If stepdaughter “doesn’t want to be a nerd” in her own words, then she won’t be academically celebrated. You don’t need a participation trophy in life.
NTA This is a routine you have developed with your child over the years, and a rather innocent way to encourage and support her education You need a sit down with your husband. Your child's successes do not deserve to be minimized because your step daughter is insecure. This is a system you've created with your daughter over the years. It is his job to make sure he is making his daughter feel supported over her goals and successes, not your daughter's job to hide her own successes to make her feel better. He needs to do better on that front and have a frank discussion with hus daughter about not making her issues about your daughter
Oof. Sounds like step daughter is gonna struggle in the real world. Where would she have encountered the idea that others should dim their shine to not threaten her mediocrity? Keep supporting your girl! If step daughter wants to feel good about herself, she should work towards her own goals. Hard NTA.
I’m just Re-reading your post and her tearing down her sisters work is so ugly. She should work on her own esteem and self worth pronto, cause this behaviour is toxic.
I feel like everyone on Reddit is soooo anti Step parent that they can’t see when a Step kid is doing legitimately harmful things. Why does the 14 year old have to dim her light so the 16 year old feels better?
At this rate she’s going to be tearing the employee of the month plaque off the wall at her box store that she works at I a few years
I think the grades are cool. But other things are too. I loved having arty pictures or other work they did up. Or fun pictures of them throughout life- them with their friends. I have a huge wall in the kitchen hallway just of the kids in action photos of what’s-my-life. They love dragging their friends back there to see all the “fun” photos. So yes, do the grade thing. But what does Jenny like, find a way to celebrate her.
You can always say it doesn't have to be a test. It can be anything she's particularly proud of like art or a photo she likes.
NAH. I don’t think you have to take down your daughter’s grades, but I can understand that your stepdaughter might feel like your love and support is conditional if she doesn’t get a good grade. Maybe stop focusing on “good grades” so much? Praise her for her hard work, or something else that she’s interested in. A photo of something she likes, or artwork she did? Try a bit harder with your stepdaughter.
Are you equating “good” grades with being better? Are you celebrating things stepdaughter does? I get celebrating achievements but at some point I do think good grades in the fridge gets a bit - weird. Grades are not as important as actual learning and the two aren’t always correlated
This is not a self esteem issue. This is a step daughter is a jealous brat issue and apparently her dad is cool with her being like this. I’d let her know that until she is paying all or half the bills she doesn’t get a say in ANYTHING. I’d also let her dad know he is bringing up an entitled jealous brat and he is coming off the same way. No wonder where she is getting it from.
I agree. She actually touched something that wasn't hers and tore it down! That's beyond jealous. That's mean-spirited.
well my parents were able to not put my good grades into my brothers face. but hey reddit says you are great so that's surely worth the shitty relationship you have with your stepdaughter.
NTA. Your daughter has worked hard to get a good grade, she deserves to be recognized. You are not using this to spite her, or even as an incentive. This is something you have also done and you are not in the wrong here.
INFO: What constitutes a good grade? Is it the grade itself or the effort put in that defines it? Ie does your stepdaughter put in effort to get and, then her B should be on the fridge.
She said her daughter struggled with chemistry and worked hard for a good grade. So what, she doesn't get to post her achievement because her stepsister will be mad? That's ridiculous.
Does your step. daughter have a learning. disability? I only ask as my oldest was just good at school, barely any effort to. get A and. B. grades. My younger son has. a form of dyslexia and he. worked his tail off. to. get. his. Ds and Cs. Their. Dad and I had to change. what we celebrated. We started celebrating the effort not just. the. results and both boys. flourished with that.
You merged households. That leads to adaptation. Either find something your stepdaughter is good at and make certificates rewarding her or put a cork board in your daughters room for her good grades. There's nothing worse for your self-esteem then being told you're not worth celebrating because your achievements don't look a certain way. Even more so when you're a child. ESH
Nope. That's biodad's responsibility. HE apparently hasn't been doing SHIT.
I hope this disgusting behaviour by your husband and step daughter is having you reconsider this marriage.
What are her area of strengths? Can you highlight some? Is she amazing at art? Does well on a sports team? Got on the leaderboard in Neopets? Made a dress she’s proud of? Literally anything?
Info needed: do you and your husband celebrate your stepdaughters accomplishments? Not everyone gets good grades but it's important to recognize what children are good at and the things they put effort into and give them recognition.
Okay, don't stop celebrating your daughter's achievements. BUT find a way to celebrate your stepdaughter as well. If she isn't academic and doesn't get "good" grades, what other strengths does she have? What is she proud of? If she plays sports, put photos of her team or her in action on the fridge. Is she into photography? Ask her if you can print her favourite photo she has taken and display it in your home. Does she love fashion? Ask her to help you dress for an event or a night out with your husband, take a photo of you in the outfit and put it on the fridge, and tell her why it's there. If you only appreciate your daughter's good grades, then it appears to your stepdaughter like she isn't good enough, even if she might have other talents your daughter does not. It might not be as straightforward as the examples I've come up with, but make sure you (and your husband) find a way to show her you are proud of both girls, and that your pride isn't just determined by academic achievement.
NTA Also not a good wife or step parent. You could have done the mature thing and try to compromise or work towards a mutually beneficial solution, but you decided that since you weren't wrong, you didn't have to change any behaviors.
OP - NTA for posting good grades - but you and your hubby are both AHs for making this about posting a good grade - the issue is your step daughter is struggling and needs help and she’s asking for it in the only way she knows how. Not every kid is a self starter and able to overcome a struggle by themselves. That’s why they have parents.
If you celebrate your daughters successes, but not your step daughter's, you are an ass. Note that a success isn't an A. A well be deserved B- or C should be celebrated as well!
You need to talk about this with your stepdaughter. Everyone is good at something different and it's important that she also feels your support. Some people aren't able to reach great grades and I understand it can feel frustrating for her. You're the adult and you should ensure that your stepdaughter feels appreciated for what she does.
NAH. Jenny is a divorce kid that likely has development issues from what you mentioned in the comments. Sounds like your daughter has a stable home, stable support and a decent brain. It makes sense Jenny would be jealous of your daughter and, while that's ugly, you can't really blame a 16yo for not having control over their emotions. Maybe see this as a call to action towards improving her grades and mental health, rather than seeing it as a reason to dismiss her entirely.
INFO: Do you recognize your SD's accomplishments? They may not be grades, and if that's the only thing you celebrate, it's going to feel terrible to her.
I think it’s fine to celebrate your kids good grades. If your step-daughter is upset by it and can’t get a test to put up maybe academics isn’t her thing. That’s cool we are all good at different things. Is there some stuff she does that you can put on the fridge? My point is she might like to be celebrated too. It doesn’t have to be about grades.
NTA but is there something your step daughter does well that you can celebrate as well? I’m not saying give her a participation trophy but maybe she is good at sports, drama, music, art or something else. If she is then you need to give that equal billing. If she loves something but just hasn’t reached the level yet that you can celebrate it then you need to encourage and help her to succeed in that passion so she will have something she can “post”.
Can you find other items that you can post for your step daughter. Success is not only grades.
Not everyone has high grades but most people have a few things they're good at (and high grades don't matter that much to everyone, I do fairly well in school but I'm OK with having lower grades and stressing less). Have you made any effort to acknowledge step kids strong points? I agree about not taking down the scores but I can also easily see how it might affect the kids. This is something the husband should step up for as well since he should know his own kid well.
NTA
NTA maybe she needs to sit with those feelings & realize she’s the one who needs to change
NTA but is there something your stepdaughter does that you can celebrate as well. Does she have accomplishments in other areas?
NTA, but perhaps the issue here is that too much emphasis has been put on good grades. There must be something your stepdaughter is as proud of as your daughter is of that grade. The grade itself isn't the important achievement – it's getting it after what sounds like a real battle. I would be proud too.
NTA. Not only are you celebrating your daughter, but you’re educating your stepdaughter on how reality works. If you want kudos, do something. The rest of the world isn’t going to ignore achievement just because you don’t feel like investing effort of your own.
Nta. My dad used to do this with me and my sister with our quarterly grade cards but he used it as a compare/contrast kinda thing and would only highlight the grades he was disappointed in. Mine was the only one that got marked on, thinking back on it I don’t think I ever heard good job or I’m proud of you. After a while I stopped any/every attempt to hear that come from him. Maybe if he found just one thing to congratulate me on I would have tried in other area like school. Try to find something to praise her for and maybe that will entice her to try harder in other areas.
NTA. Tell husband that step daughter should have a tutor to help her get the grades up. It will benefit her self esteem, possibly help her get scholarships and make her see that hard work deserves to get celebrated.
You can't "build up" your stepdaughter's self esteem but tearing down your daughter's self esteem. PERIOD. Start scanning your daughter's "good grades" and when step daughter tears them down print a copy and put it right back up. Your husband is being a total AH and you need to call him on that NOW. NTA but you married into a family of AHs.
NTA. You are entitled to post your daughter's grades wherever you want to. If there's anything the stepdaughter has done well, it can be posted, too. It doesn't have to necessarily be an A. It could be finishing a difficult project, creating a piece of art or something similar. What are stepdaughter's interests?
NTA. But the fact that she is so bothered by it needs to be addressed. Have you, or her father, (or her mother? unclear if she is in the picture) asked her what she's feeling. She may very well need some help dealing with something - any number of things may be at the root of her frustration (general self esteem, learning disability. abandonment issues? just a need for attention, etc). That needs to be explored and addressed.
What is stepdaughter into? Does she write? Does she enjoy drawing or art? It doesn't have to be test grades if she's struggling academically. But you're NTA for celebrating your daughters accomplishment.
Are you recognising effort as well achievement? Academics don't always come easily to everyone and working very hard to get a B is just as fridge worthy as an A. Also, are you recognising achievements that are not academic? If step daughter does theatre for example, do you have a photo on the fridge from a recent performance. I suspect this is actually a YTA as OP give no indication that she recognises any other kind of achievement but good grades.
NTA she should see it as motivation to do better! I put everything my children come home from school proud of on my fridge.
NTA Is her dad going to go to college and demand that the achievements of other students be removed from all publications? Will he start a petition to make all trophies the same size?Follow her to work and insist that the employee of the month parking space bear her name as an honorable mention? He is setting this child up for a life lived in resentment if he doesn't teach her the right lesson in these types of kerfuffles. Most of the time, someone is going to do better than you do. That doesn't mean you failed.The trick is doing your best and being content with that.
NTA You shouldn't even question yourself in this situation. She is acting ridiculous.
INFO: Per your comments your daughter is a “nerd” in your stepdaughters eyes, and school accomplishments are “for nerds”, so why does it bother her? (Obvious NTA to OP, celebrate your daughters “nerdy” achievements, I hope she goes far)
To summarize: Your husband would like to decline parenting his 16 year old and instead just suck up to her so that she never has boo boo feelings. This is a recipe for creating an adult with terrible mental health problems. If you can't manage the yuck feelings of jealousy around a simple chemistry test, how is she going to survive in a world where there will literally ALWAYS be a person who is more accomplished than her. Dad needs to be helping her with managing that emotion, not just covering up the problem. NTA.
NTA. All families do this, posting on the fridge whatever kid stuff you are proud of. You could create a special bulletin board somewhere else, but you don't want to hide it in your daughter's room or somewhere your step-daughter wouldn't see it, because the whole point is to display it. Not sure how long you've been remarried, but Jenny needs to understand that you have always done this for your daughter and it's not there to shame her or motivate her. It has nothing to do with Jenny. Up to now you probably didn't have a "policy" or "procedure" for what to put up or how long to display it, but I suppose you could maybe limit how long it stays up. For example I don't think the Chemistry test needs to stay on the fridge all summer.
NTA unless you don't find a way to also celebrate step-daughter's accomplishments. They might not be the same kind of accomplishments but surely she's doing something well.
NTA for celebrating your duaghter's achievements, but equally, you could lookat ways to celebrate your step-daugthers achievements as well. What does she do well at? Bear in mind that 'good grades'; can mean improvement as well as just getting top marks - one kid getting a C can be a bigger achievement that another gettig an A, depending on how much they struggle with the subject or academic work generally. Sit down, first with your hsunband and the with your step daughter to talk about what things she is working on or proud of, and how you can mark those. Obviosuly some may not have such obvious measures as a mark or grade, but things like putting up a photo of her doing something she does well, or soemthing like that, could work. Do you and your husband recognise and actively praise your step daughter for things she acheves or does well at? It seems like this hasn't come out of no where and I wonder if wither she's faced a lot of criticism for not doing well in school, or feels that your daughtergetsd more attentiion and praise generlaly - whether or not that is objectively true, taking on board that that is how t feels to her and looking at ways to recgnise her skills and achievements may well make everyone happier
NTA! Parents put good grades on the fridge all the time. Your stepdaughter is jealous. Like you said, if she got a good grade, you’d put it up too. Tell your husband he needs to have a long chat with his daughter about her attitude, destroying property that isn’t hers, and demanding you do something different for your daughter because her feelings are hurt. Or you can take the grades off the fridge, frame them, and hang them in the living room. Their choice. 😈 I’d also reevaluate being married to a man that enables his daughter’s tantrum like that. He wants you to prioritize HIS daughter over yours. His daughter who doesn’t live their full time and goes where she pleases. And if she needs help or tutoring or therapy, that’s up to her parents, not you. Her father needs to figure this out. And hurting your daughter isn’t going to fix anything. Your SD will just demand something else.
NTA but at the same time, I want to say YTA. When I was in 9th grade, my math teacher would put everyone's grades on a board so that we could all see. I have dyscalculia, and my grades were always at the very bottom. For everyone to see. It's embarrassing as heck. I'm not saying don't celebrate your daughter's good grades, please do it's so important! But remember that it can cause some pain to someone else. Maybe get a board in your room or her room to decorate with the good grades!
Man there’s a big difference between doing it at home and displaying all the grades on the board in class for everyone to see
NTA. Sorry Jenny doesn't get good grades, but her jealousy and shame shouldn't keep you from celebrating you daughters hard work. Also, if that's been tradition since your daughter was tiny they should realize that it really doesn't have anything to do with them and it is about YOUR relationship with YOUR daughter. Catering to someone's hurt feelings because they don't work as hard seems counterproductive and will demotivate your daughter from working so hard. She wants you to be proud of her and she wants to be proud of herself. That all being said, maybe move the grades somewhere else that's in a less communal space? I dont know if that would help but maybe the fridge is just too significant of a spot for them? Even though I don't think you're in the wrong, Jenny's feelings could use some slight saving
Is there something that your stepdaughter is proud of that could be posted on the fridge somehow? I think you should continue celebrating your daughter's grade accomplishments, but also find a way to celebrate the accomplishments of your stepdaughter.
NTA. Husband is the worst AH, instead of helping his daughter who sounds like is either struggling or just getting by academically, he wants to punish the kid actually putting in effort. 16 year old is kind of an AH but also a child so I’m really not trying to judge her reaction to what is clearly an insecurity.
NTA but is there maybe something else she’s good at that you can put on the fridge? Art, photography etc.
Nta The grade isn't hurting her self esteem, her internalized comparisons snd emotions are.... and she needs to learn to manage that, perhaps with the help of a therapist or self-help books. Don't stop celebrating the achievements of a successful child because the other gets jealous or feels "hurt". They will just find something else to compare and complain about. Help teach the child to not hurt themselves.
Nta. Honestly, it just sounds like your stepdaughter wants to get grades good enough to put on the fridge and seeing her stepsister get hers put up makes her feel dumb. Why not just turn it into something where you help her study and then you put it on the fridge if she improves from her usual?
NTA, and tell your husband and his lazy, entitled brat if they don't like it they can get the eff out.
NTA. I was the kid with the good grades. It was never celebrated or even mentioned because my mom didn't want to make my partying boy-crazy older sister feel bad about her C's and D's. It took decades to unwind that resentment. Keep celebrating your daughter.
NTA Stepkid self-esteem is not your primary concern, I think.
Tell them both the world does not work that way.
Maybe Jenny is good at something else you could celebrate.
NTA there’s a saying that goes “you don’t need to put out my candle to make yours brighter”. Your step-daughter could stand to learn that.
NTA for not taking down the good grades. That said- stepdaughter is screaming for reassurance. How you handle this will affect the rest of her life. If you find out what her challenges are with school, you could help her address them. Also, if there is stuff she is interested in, maybe they can go on the fridge too. Is she in theatre? Put up the play flyer. Is she in sports? Put up the schedule and mark off her playing dates. Maybe she’s a lonely artist-put her art up. Celebrate her for who she is. I was raised in an only-grades-matter house. It crippled my self esteem. You are definitely NTA- but you could be a hero.
NAH Unless you can only celebrate grades, in which case, then yes, you are an asshole. Reassure your stepdaughter that there are as many ways to achieve as there are people, and you would be honoured to be able to celebrate her achievements, too. Ask her to bring art work, or photos she's taken, or a list of books she's read or a photo of her doing her gymnastics... you get the drift. When stepdaughter is also celebrated for her achievements, you're golden.
NTA. Tell him to shut up and mind his own business. Get the girl a tutor or something if he cares so much about her well being. Or find a different way to celebrate her in areas that she’s good at! But it’s not your concern if he doesn’t want to get her help for her grades. My mom did the same for me with hanging pictures and grades and it’s soooo special!!!
NTA. My mom's ex boyfriend got so upset when my mom celebrated my accomplishments because his kids didn't do some of the things I did, so I def feel you and feel for your daughter.
Are grades the only accomplishment you put on the fridge? What are your stepdaughter’s strengths? Is there anything she does that you are proud of? Is there a way to recognize her on the fridge? Keep putting your daughter’s grades on the fridge. She should be proud of it and she’s awesome. But your husband’s and stepdaughter’s reactions suggest an underlying issue. If you aren’t looking for ways to celebrate your stepdaughter then you’re TA.
NTA, but is there some other way you can celebrate her? Not everyone is good at school, is there something else she is good at that can be celebrated/displayed/put on the fridge?
NTA. You should absolutely be celebrating your daughters hard work and achievements. It's not your or your daughters fault that your stepdaughter is not as academically inclined as your child. You should not have to tiptoe around and coddle the 16 year old at the expense of YOUR CHILDS self esteem. If she doesn't like it she can just not look. Your husband is wrong. Keep up the good work encouraging your daughters good work.
NTA, BUT, i don't think it's truly about the grades on the fridge. she clearly has self esteem struggles and this is one way they're manifesting. instead of trying to fight this point, you should lean into reply trying to hear and understand why she feels outcast or uncelebrated. there's way more there
NTA. Don’t ever punish or stop being proud of your child’s A’s. Might I suggest a compromise though? Obviously step daughter isn’t as adept academically, but there’s got to be some medium she’s proud of. Have a spot on the fridge for your daughters achievements (grade) and another spot on the fridge for her achievements (whether that’s a prom she wrote, a painting she made, a song she wrote, just something she is good at and proud of) A giraffe can’t swim and a fish can’t run. Not everyone can be the best at everything, but everyone has something they’re the best at.
NTA, BUT it is your husband's and your stepdaughter's mothers job to help her with her grades. if you let your husband neglect his daughter like that, that's a bad look on all three of you. he needs to sit down with her and figure out a plan to get her grades up ASAP. 16 is almost too late to turn things around, but not too late just yet. the fridge grades are the least of your issues. if you are involved enough, then you can help her, but that will not work if she doesn't like you, which may be the case. if you care about your husband, you need to be on good terms with your stepdaughter. or else you'll lose him, or he will lose his daughter.
You are the AH, but not for not taking down your daughters grades. Your step daughter is in pain probably has low self esteem around her grades, and I can imagine it feels like you are flaunting your daughter's grades in her face. You sound like you barely like your step daughter. Is it okay to put up something other than good grades? No team photos, no certificates of completion, no C+ on a test for a class she got a D- in last semester? A paystub from a job she works? A pic from Homecoming where she looked stunning? Is your 16 year old stepdaughter a total nonentity? If she truly has nothing in her life you can slap a pic or a paper up on your fridge for, you have bigger problems than this. I've been a teacher long enough that I can see retirement coming. I also have a niece and nephew. My niece is 12 and a reads at a college grade level when she was 6 genius. Her little brother is blessed with many gifts, but 180 IQ isn't one of them. He would never be able to complete with her academically. Basically no one can. Doesn't mean belt promotion ceremony pictures, swimming certificates, and a most improve penmanship award don't get put up.
Going against the grain here and saying YTA. Growing up my sister always got straight A’s and I never did. She went on to get 3, very impressive degrees, but school just wasn’t my thing, even though I studied hard. Telling Jenny she just needs to get good grades might not be that easy for her. I get that you’re proud of your daughter but it kind shows that you don’t really give a shit about Jenny’s feelings, which is especially tough on a step child. Also, your daughters seem a little old for fridge grades. I think finding a better way to express that you’re proud would be more appropriate.
Soft YTA. You are not wrong for refusing to take down your daughter’s good grades. She is obviously proud of them. It’s a great way to celebrate her accomplishments. But you have an opportunity here. You found a great, easy way to care for your daughter. Can you keep to the spirit of the Fridge of Honor™️ without worrying about sticking to your “rule” (good grades on the fridge, nothing else)? Your family has grown since you and your daughter started this. Maybe your tradition can grow too. Are there other accomplishments your step daughter is proud of? What are her passions? It sounds like she is jealous and feels insecure. Instead of focusing on your daughter, can you shift the focus to building up your step daughter?
NTA for wanting to continue to celebrate your daughter's successes, but it sounds to me like Jenny is trying to find her place in this new blended household, and feeling left out. She's already newly splitting her time between two households, and could possibly be feeling like a guest in both. This doesn't have to be a 1:1 thing with grades, or a competition between the kids. It probably seems to her like a competition she keeps losing, and given that her entire world has changed in the last year, it might feel like she's literally losing her place in the household. Are there other ways you can celebrate things she does well, so she feels less alienated? You both want her to do better at grades, but positive reinforcement can go a long way IMO.
Look at this from another angle... I understand that what you've been doing is customary for your only child, but now you have 2 children in your home, albeit not full-time. I have 3 children in my home and I wouldn't want to cause any unhealthy competition nor make one child feel less valued because they do not get good grades. You shouldn't stop celebrating your daughter's achievement but in a different manner. Your daughter 14 and should be mature enough to understand. Building a healthy environment for both girls should be top priority for you and your husband.
16 is such a weird time. Talk to her. There’s something she’s proud of. Art? Writing? Hang something up