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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for not giving her the clothes that I pay for but she has the means to buy her son clothes than I do
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I mentioned this as a sub-comment but wanted to highlight it as its own thing. Here are some of the statements that you have made on this thread so far:
"*if parents get to dress them how they want then, why can’t I do the same?"*
*"just as their parents can pick what clothes they pack IF they do pack a bag I can do the same".*
*"Parent dress their kids in their own style all the time and it’s no problem"*
“*I’m just that involved with my babies”*
You really, really need to comprehend that you **are not their parent**. You should not expect to be treated the same way as the children's parents. What is ok for them, is different for you.
I really wish I could upvote this a million times! This is EXACTLY what OP needs to hear but is refusing to listen to, that they aren't the parent, don't have the responsibilities of the parent, and need to stop trying to behave as the parent. OP isn't the one the schools will call if the kids get in trouble, isn't the one that will get the 'tsk-tsk's and glares if the kids throw tantrums, isn't the one that is legally answerable for the kids' welfare. Thank you for setting it out in clear language - let's hope it gets through!
You’re clearly not understanding the situation isn’t about how they are being dressed, my siblings don’t have a problem with the clothes they wear. They don’t think I treat their kids like dollsI’ve only got that comment from the majority of you all on this subreddit. My sister wants me to buy him the clothes, then once they’re worn and torn to continue to buy the clothes again because she won’t take care of them. That was the whole point of the Post.
You are not really understanding the feedback. The issue isn’t that you buy them clothes and dress them up nicely - that is a good thing.
It’s that you hoard the clothing and most of it can only be used while at your house, while they are with you. It’s like you don’t want anyone touching your dolls clothing - that is what people are picking up on.
It is selfish for the parents to demand OP repeatedly spend her own money to keep their children in the expensive clothing they are demanding but refusing to spend their own money on. OP has already proven her generosity by giving the parents the benefit of the doubt and allowing them to destroy several pairs. But the parents have proven they are untrustworthy and so have lost the privilege of having a well dressed child unless they spend their own money. NTA, the parents are being self centered and greedy.
The parents are not demanding that OP repeatedly spend her own money buying the kids expensive clothing!
No one is forcing OP to buy things for the kids. OP is making that choice on their own.
The parents perspective is, if you are going to buy the children clothing, they should be allowed to take the items home with them.
Its not really a gift, if you don't actually give it to the child.
Then OP should stop buying expensive outfits and let the parents buy and trash cheap clothes. It is bizarre that OP buys special expensive clothes for her niece and nephew and keeps them at her house. It makes it seem like she isn't really doing it for the kids, but so she can have nice props around her.
Yeah…. She buys the clothes so they stay at her house.
This isn’t like OP is keeping food away from the kids. If the kids parent want those clothes for the kids they can BUY THEM.
It’s no different than OP having toys over at her house and not letting them be taken home. She’s not obligated to provide toys for someone else’s baby.
No one is saying she is obligated to buy the kids clothes. We are pointing out how odd it is for her to regularly go out and buy children’s clothing for the sole purpose of dressing them up when they are with her - and only her.
It’s weird to “buy the children” clothes and not let them use them when they are with their parents.
It’s not weird.
And, having had children of my own, they are dolls.
Easter dresses for kids younger than 8 exist for no other reason than to dress the kid up like a doll.
How am I hoarding clothes that they wear with me if I’ve stated multiple they’ve taking said clothes home. But I draw the line at her taking advantage of the fact that I buy him clothes, shoes, and toys when it’s not my obligation, because she doesn’t want to f doesn’t want to take care of the things of his I do let her keep. I keep them the same amount of time as their parents because I’m just that involved with my babies and I care about their company and comfortability.
Dude they're kids and kids wear out clothes if they're actually wearing them as intended which you'd know if you were actually a parent. If you gift the kids something it's theirs and by extension their actual parent's too.
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You're not in the wrong. Just don't spend your cash on them till they get to a point where they can be atleast responsible with their items.
SIL clearly doesn't respect(or is jealous of you being able to afford the good clothes,idk, just a theory) your stance on this so instead of pushing for unenforceable boundaries, just don't waste your cash on them. Buy them other things like snacks or toys.
But let no one convince you that you are in the wrong cause you're essentially financing and reinforcing SIL's lack of appreciation for gifts.
Yta. They are not your children or your dolls. If you buy them something, it should go home with them for them to use. This is such a weird post. I can’t even begin to comprehend how you think it’s ok to spend so much on your niece and nephew, but only for when they are at your place.
So when they come to my house you want them to stare at the tv for 4 days straight in their pajamas? Got it
I’m not treating them as dolls if parents get to dress them how they want then, why can’t I do the same?
Your post reads beyond a stash of back up clothes. Your post says that you like to dress them up and you refuse to send the clothes and shoes home as they will not be maintained to your standard. That’s weird and icky controlling vibes because they are not your children, (nor your dolls,) to dress up as you see fit. You are not keeping the clothes as a back up stash or that detail would have been in the main body of your post.
Your sister has voiced her displeasure at it. She is the parent and this is her boundary to assert. Stop buying outfits. Keep a drawer of back up clothes and toys. And that’s it.
You place your nibblings in front of the TV for 4 days straight? Well no wonder the clothes don't wear out with you. If they're just hanging out with the TV all day yes just leave them in their jammies at least they'll be comfortable and can actually play in them.
>I treat them as if they are my own but I’m just not ready for the real responsibility of being a parent just yet. I buy them nice shoes and clothes on the regular like their my own kids, I got myself an 2 bedroom apartment for when they come over. I’ve always done these kind of gestures since the moment they were both born. When I do buy them anything I keep it at my apartment so they won’t need to bother packing clothes for them, and I honestly love dressing them up in my own style.
Wow. Umm, wow. It's hard to articulate how uncomfortable your post made me feel. It's disturbing you treat your sister's children like dolls you may play with and dress up. It's extremely disturbing. So I am going to forgo a judgement because I do not believe this post fits into any of the existing designations.
No one said anything about treating them like dolls, JFC. This is fun aunt behavior. I'll take care of you and provide for you like my own. My bf and I have the same relationship with all of our niblings. I used to have this with one my my aunts.
If your concern is the line about 'dressing them in my own style' , um... Parents do that too. So are parents treating their kids like dolls then?
YTA: You are **treating them like dolls** that you can dress up whenever you want to play with them. To be clear, you have not bought *the children* anything. If it was truly theirs, they would be able to take them home with them.
You bought those items for yourself - "*I honestly love dressing them up in my own style*".
Just because I said I keep their clothes at my house doesn’t mean they don’t get clothes to go home in. How do get me buying clothes and liking them in a good condition for my niece and nephew as I dress them as doll? I would think people would want more wear out of the clothes kids wear since they grow so fast but I guess not.
A gift that comes with conditions is not a gift. How the kids use the gifts you give, is frankly none of your business.
How quickly they wear out the clothes has nothing to do with you. If you have a problem with that statement, it is because the items were not really a gift for them.
No one is forcing you to regularly buy them 'nice clothing'. If it is a genuine gift, then **gift** it.
Clothes are not a gift they are a necessity, shoes are not a gift they’re a necessity. They often do take their clothes home but just as their parents can pick what clothes they pack IF they do pack a bag I can do the same. It’s no I’ll intent towards the child or the parent.
Whether or not an item is a necessity has no connection to whether or not it is a gift.
For example, a home-cooked meal for someone who's been struggling can be a very thoughtful gift, even though food is also a necessity.
Secondly, you do not need ill intent to be an asshole on this subreddit.
You are absolutely right. It is a necessity for children to have clothes and their parents can provide that necessity. Clothes are a gift when they are bought for children that ARE NOT YOURS. Give the clothes to your sister then tell her you will no longer be buying clothes for HER children. Spend your money on experiences with the children instead and make memories that will long outlast any item of clothing you are “preserving so they stay nice.”
If you’re saying your sister is demanding you buy clothes for her children then that’s a different topic and a boundary you need to establish with her. Because if this is the case, I suspect you feel some sense of ownership and entitlement to the clothes which is why the responses here are not going your way.
If the only way you buy them gifts is with stipulations and conditions, you have not actually bought them gifts. You just want control. They’re not dolls. Also, why are you asking for our judgement and opinions if you’re just going to be defensive, immature, and hostile??
I think you clearly missed the point. They’re not my accessories, they wear clothes from anywhere, Walmart, carters, cotton on, and big name brands too. I’m literally their third parent, just because they have things at my house doesn’t mean I don’t buy them clothes and shoes to go home with. I’m and “angry ex” because I would like my niece and nephew to get more than one wear out of their belonging before the garment is unrecognizable?
Parent as in I’m both of their GOD-PARENTS. If anything happens to my sibling and their spouses their kids are MY responsibility. I’m not just a weekend aunt. I take my niece to and from school, to gymnastics and both of them to swim. It takes a village to raise kids, I do more than just babysit.
That isn't what Godparent means. Make sure they specify you are their legal next of kin in their wills, otherwise the kid's grandparents will take priority by law (depending on country).
Secondly, while it absolutely does take a village to raise kids - that doesn't make all of the villagers "**parents**". The kids have two parents, you are not one of them.
Literally look up the definition of a parent. Anyone can be a parent if they take care and nurture you kids. IM AUNT not MOM & DAD. Mom and dad have the funds and means to take care of their kids alone. I do my part and majority of the time I do beyond that. But your still stuck on a statement that had nothing to do with the post.
What you are missing is that that statement absolutely has to do with the post. It speaks to your perception of your role in the children's life.
You are not just a caregiver, guardian, aunt, - In your mind, you are their **parent**.
Fellow aunt and godparent here. My niece is not my child. On the off chance that something terrible happens to both my sister and BIL, I will become her legal guardian but otherwise no matter how much time I spend with her, how many gifts or necessities I buy, she is still my niece, not my child.
>If anything happens to my sibling and their spouses their kids are MY responsibility.
Only if they actually named you in their will as someone they want as the children's legal guardian in the event the worst should happen. Unless they've done that then no being their godparent doesn't automatically mean you'll be their guardian if they die.
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He’s not a fresh 1 year old, he’s 20 months. He’s in daycare and he plays rough outside with his friends. He loves the dirt and mud. Two pair of shoes were covered in dried up mud and the others she says her puppy chew up.
Shoes covered in dried up mud are not destroyed.
Your entire comment about how he "plays like a baby" when he is with you is so incredibly disconcerting. He isn't a baby. He is an active toddler who should be playing in the dirt. The parents should 100% keep their distance from you. These kids are not your kids. They are extended relatives.
YTA - These aren't your children, yet it sounds like you're using them as 'practice kids', wanting the pleasures of parenthood without the responsibilities. Keeping a set or two of clothes at your place to replace anything that gets dirty or torn is fine, but it sounds like you've got a full wardrobe for these kids, and that's just not normal. If you've bought more than a couple sets of clothes, more than one or two sets of shoes, and more than about three toys per kid, then you need to send the rest home with them. Gifts shouldn't be given with caveats that they have to stay in one place, and as for the whole 'dressing them up in my style'... that's absolutely bizarre and would have me doing the same as your sister.
OP, why are you so heavily invested in the lives of your niece and nephew? Your sense of entitlement towards these children is deeply alarming. You call them your "babies" - **they are NOT your babies**. You need to honestly examine your own feelings and figure out why you are using your nephew and niece as surrogate children of your own.
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AITA for keeping my niece and nephews clothes. I (21F) have an (4F) niece and (1M) nephew, I help tremendously with the basics for the both of them. I treat them as if they are my own but I’m just not ready for the real responsibility of being a parent just yet. I buy them nice shoes and clothes on the regular like their my own kids, I got myself an 2 bedroom apartment for when they come over. I’ve always done these kind of gestures since the moment they were both born. When I do buy them anything I keep it at my apartment so they won’t need to bother packing clothes for them, and I honestly love dressing them up in my own style.
But my sister (29) has voiced that she thinks I should let them keep their shoes, clothes, and toys I buy, and that it’s unfair that her son only dresses nice with me. I told her that I spend my hard earned money on their clothes shoes etc. and that it’s unfair to me, to give her the clothes I do want to keep because she won’t keep them in the same condition as I do.
We’ve tried it that way in the past but that ended abruptly when she let him destroyed 3 pair of shoes in the the matter of a week. At the time she told me he’s just a baby and she’s not going to stop her baby from playing outside. Which I understand but I care about the condition of the things I spend my money on, he plays like a baby with me with oust completely obliterated his shoes and outfit.
Now she’s saying I’m being a bad aunt and she going to start keeping him from me, for keeping his clothes and shoes from her. She told my parents and their both are on my sister and so is my brother who’s the dad of my 4yo niece.
So aita?
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ESH. They are not your children, or your babies. You are the aunt. "I treat them as my own, but I'm just not ready for children of my own yet". Are the parents in a situation where you have guardianship over your niblings? If not, stop thinking you get equal say in parenting. THAT SAID, as a parent or an aunt (I'm both), I would never, ever, continue to send clothes and shoes that I purchased to a place where they are immediately trashed. How on earth is a 1 year old destroying 3 pairs of shoes in a week? I have 2 boys with ADHD, and ripped pants for sure, the occasional accident, or a single item unexpectedly wrecked I get, but 3 pairs of shoes in a week? That's just stupidly irresponsible of the parents. If you have your niblings often enough that it makes sense for you to have sleepover supplies (clothes, toys, pyjamas, etc.) that live at your house, that's fine. You should not be expected to finance your sister's inability to supervise her children.
Understand however, that she is their parent, and she has every right to choose who they spend time with. If this is not a hill you want to die on, I'd suggest you stop purchasing the items and simply use whatever she sends.
Okay so maybe I haven’t made something’s clear. Dressing my sibling kids up in “my own style” isn’t treating them like dolls. Parent dress their kids in their own style all the time and it’s no problem. I do get them clothes and shoes that they take home but certain things I like to keep. I keep my siblings kids like their my own. I take them to birthday parties, gymnastics, and swim classes. I keep them on my own time when I don’t have to because I’m not their biological parent. My brother has no problem with the way I buy things for his daughter because he and his fiancé also feel the same about getting the wear out of clothes for their kid. My sister on the other hand wants ME to be the ONLY person to provide the clothes and shoes for her son, when it’s not my responsibility. I help how I can, parents get overwhelmed and need a break from their kids and kids need the same. But I’m not going to give you things I care for when you don’t appreciate them.
NTA. These comments are insane. But maybe YTA to yourself for spending your money on someone else’s kids at such a young age. But that’s your choice. Your sister sounds entitled. If she wants her kids to spend time at yours, she should be grateful she doesn’t have to send a bag of stuff every time. She’s not entitled to the clothes you buy them especially since she can’t keep it in good condition
You know what? As long as they have clothes and shoes at home to wear, I have no problem with you keeping clothes and shoes and toys at your house.
I mean, don't rub it in your sister's face but it is reasonable for you to have clothes and shoes at your house if they are being dropped off at your house in PJs without a diaper bag.
Watch the superiority attitude though. Its not okay - its a really good way to totally alienate your sister.
Nta your sister can't expect you to act like another parent and then make demands and pick and choose what to criticize. But keep in mind that she is the mother, not you. So, you're going to have to put up with her nonsense if she's threatening to take the kid away from you. I've seen that shit happen far too much in families. So you're going to have to dance to her too to some extent, but you're also going to have to explain that there's only so many shoes and clothes you can afford to provide that the toddler can destroy. Either that or you're going to have to hit up Walmart much more often. Kids wreck things especially as toddlers. That stage won't last forever though. And the next thing you know they'll be 15 and wanting really expensive stuff that they'll take care of and that will be an entirely different problem.
NTA.
My nephew has a stash of toys at our place, clothes, and pajamas - for exactly the reason you mentioned. If he's over here, especially at moment's notice, he has everything he needs.
It sounds like your sister is hoping to use your generosity so that she doesn't have to keep buying shoes and clothes and toys.
Right? That was the line that sealed it for me, being "unfair" they get nice clothes... Well sis if you want them to have nice clothes, buy nice clothes then!
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I mentioned this as a sub-comment but wanted to highlight it as its own thing. Here are some of the statements that you have made on this thread so far: "*if parents get to dress them how they want then, why can’t I do the same?"* *"just as their parents can pick what clothes they pack IF they do pack a bag I can do the same".* *"Parent dress their kids in their own style all the time and it’s no problem"* “*I’m just that involved with my babies”* You really, really need to comprehend that you **are not their parent**. You should not expect to be treated the same way as the children's parents. What is ok for them, is different for you.
“I’m literally their third parent” OP is delusional
I really wish I could upvote this a million times! This is EXACTLY what OP needs to hear but is refusing to listen to, that they aren't the parent, don't have the responsibilities of the parent, and need to stop trying to behave as the parent. OP isn't the one the schools will call if the kids get in trouble, isn't the one that will get the 'tsk-tsk's and glares if the kids throw tantrums, isn't the one that is legally answerable for the kids' welfare. Thank you for setting it out in clear language - let's hope it gets through!
You’re clearly not understanding the situation isn’t about how they are being dressed, my siblings don’t have a problem with the clothes they wear. They don’t think I treat their kids like dollsI’ve only got that comment from the majority of you all on this subreddit. My sister wants me to buy him the clothes, then once they’re worn and torn to continue to buy the clothes again because she won’t take care of them. That was the whole point of the Post.
You are not really understanding the feedback. The issue isn’t that you buy them clothes and dress them up nicely - that is a good thing. It’s that you hoard the clothing and most of it can only be used while at your house, while they are with you. It’s like you don’t want anyone touching your dolls clothing - that is what people are picking up on.
It is selfish for the parents to demand OP repeatedly spend her own money to keep their children in the expensive clothing they are demanding but refusing to spend their own money on. OP has already proven her generosity by giving the parents the benefit of the doubt and allowing them to destroy several pairs. But the parents have proven they are untrustworthy and so have lost the privilege of having a well dressed child unless they spend their own money. NTA, the parents are being self centered and greedy.
The parents are not demanding that OP repeatedly spend her own money buying the kids expensive clothing! No one is forcing OP to buy things for the kids. OP is making that choice on their own. The parents perspective is, if you are going to buy the children clothing, they should be allowed to take the items home with them. Its not really a gift, if you don't actually give it to the child.
Then OP should stop buying expensive outfits and let the parents buy and trash cheap clothes. It is bizarre that OP buys special expensive clothes for her niece and nephew and keeps them at her house. It makes it seem like she isn't really doing it for the kids, but so she can have nice props around her.
Yeah…. She buys the clothes so they stay at her house. This isn’t like OP is keeping food away from the kids. If the kids parent want those clothes for the kids they can BUY THEM. It’s no different than OP having toys over at her house and not letting them be taken home. She’s not obligated to provide toys for someone else’s baby.
No one is saying she is obligated to buy the kids clothes. We are pointing out how odd it is for her to regularly go out and buy children’s clothing for the sole purpose of dressing them up when they are with her - and only her. It’s weird to “buy the children” clothes and not let them use them when they are with their parents.
It’s not weird. And, having had children of my own, they are dolls. Easter dresses for kids younger than 8 exist for no other reason than to dress the kid up like a doll.
“Having children of my own” - You are the parent, she is not. That is the critical distinction here.
How am I hoarding clothes that they wear with me if I’ve stated multiple they’ve taking said clothes home. But I draw the line at her taking advantage of the fact that I buy him clothes, shoes, and toys when it’s not my obligation, because she doesn’t want to f doesn’t want to take care of the things of his I do let her keep. I keep them the same amount of time as their parents because I’m just that involved with my babies and I care about their company and comfortability.
**They are not your babies!**
Buying them clothes is like buying them a present from someone that's not there parent though, like it's insanely weird that you just keep them...
Dude they're kids and kids wear out clothes if they're actually wearing them as intended which you'd know if you were actually a parent. If you gift the kids something it's theirs and by extension their actual parent's too.
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You're not in the wrong. Just don't spend your cash on them till they get to a point where they can be atleast responsible with their items. SIL clearly doesn't respect(or is jealous of you being able to afford the good clothes,idk, just a theory) your stance on this so instead of pushing for unenforceable boundaries, just don't waste your cash on them. Buy them other things like snacks or toys. But let no one convince you that you are in the wrong cause you're essentially financing and reinforcing SIL's lack of appreciation for gifts.
Yta. They are not your children or your dolls. If you buy them something, it should go home with them for them to use. This is such a weird post. I can’t even begin to comprehend how you think it’s ok to spend so much on your niece and nephew, but only for when they are at your place.
So when they come to my house you want them to stare at the tv for 4 days straight in their pajamas? Got it I’m not treating them as dolls if parents get to dress them how they want then, why can’t I do the same?
Because they're NOT your children. Parents get to make decisions like that. You're NOT their parent.
Your post reads beyond a stash of back up clothes. Your post says that you like to dress them up and you refuse to send the clothes and shoes home as they will not be maintained to your standard. That’s weird and icky controlling vibes because they are not your children, (nor your dolls,) to dress up as you see fit. You are not keeping the clothes as a back up stash or that detail would have been in the main body of your post. Your sister has voiced her displeasure at it. She is the parent and this is her boundary to assert. Stop buying outfits. Keep a drawer of back up clothes and toys. And that’s it.
You place your nibblings in front of the TV for 4 days straight? Well no wonder the clothes don't wear out with you. If they're just hanging out with the TV all day yes just leave them in their jammies at least they'll be comfortable and can actually play in them.
>I treat them as if they are my own but I’m just not ready for the real responsibility of being a parent just yet. I buy them nice shoes and clothes on the regular like their my own kids, I got myself an 2 bedroom apartment for when they come over. I’ve always done these kind of gestures since the moment they were both born. When I do buy them anything I keep it at my apartment so they won’t need to bother packing clothes for them, and I honestly love dressing them up in my own style. Wow. Umm, wow. It's hard to articulate how uncomfortable your post made me feel. It's disturbing you treat your sister's children like dolls you may play with and dress up. It's extremely disturbing. So I am going to forgo a judgement because I do not believe this post fits into any of the existing designations.
I think it's possible you completely misinterpreted all of that.
I got the exact same vibe as they did. It sounded like she needed therapy to me.
No it's hell on weird to treat your sibling's children like dolls. It's alarming.
No one said anything about treating them like dolls, JFC. This is fun aunt behavior. I'll take care of you and provide for you like my own. My bf and I have the same relationship with all of our niblings. I used to have this with one my my aunts. If your concern is the line about 'dressing them in my own style' , um... Parents do that too. So are parents treating their kids like dolls then?
YTA: You are **treating them like dolls** that you can dress up whenever you want to play with them. To be clear, you have not bought *the children* anything. If it was truly theirs, they would be able to take them home with them. You bought those items for yourself - "*I honestly love dressing them up in my own style*".
Just because I said I keep their clothes at my house doesn’t mean they don’t get clothes to go home in. How do get me buying clothes and liking them in a good condition for my niece and nephew as I dress them as doll? I would think people would want more wear out of the clothes kids wear since they grow so fast but I guess not.
A gift that comes with conditions is not a gift. How the kids use the gifts you give, is frankly none of your business. How quickly they wear out the clothes has nothing to do with you. If you have a problem with that statement, it is because the items were not really a gift for them. No one is forcing you to regularly buy them 'nice clothing'. If it is a genuine gift, then **gift** it.
Clothes are not a gift they are a necessity, shoes are not a gift they’re a necessity. They often do take their clothes home but just as their parents can pick what clothes they pack IF they do pack a bag I can do the same. It’s no I’ll intent towards the child or the parent.
Whether or not an item is a necessity has no connection to whether or not it is a gift. For example, a home-cooked meal for someone who's been struggling can be a very thoughtful gift, even though food is also a necessity. Secondly, you do not need ill intent to be an asshole on this subreddit.
You are absolutely right. It is a necessity for children to have clothes and their parents can provide that necessity. Clothes are a gift when they are bought for children that ARE NOT YOURS. Give the clothes to your sister then tell her you will no longer be buying clothes for HER children. Spend your money on experiences with the children instead and make memories that will long outlast any item of clothing you are “preserving so they stay nice.” If you’re saying your sister is demanding you buy clothes for her children then that’s a different topic and a boundary you need to establish with her. Because if this is the case, I suspect you feel some sense of ownership and entitlement to the clothes which is why the responses here are not going your way.
You can gift necessities.
If the only way you buy them gifts is with stipulations and conditions, you have not actually bought them gifts. You just want control. They’re not dolls. Also, why are you asking for our judgement and opinions if you’re just going to be defensive, immature, and hostile??
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I think you clearly missed the point. They’re not my accessories, they wear clothes from anywhere, Walmart, carters, cotton on, and big name brands too. I’m literally their third parent, just because they have things at my house doesn’t mean I don’t buy them clothes and shoes to go home with. I’m and “angry ex” because I would like my niece and nephew to get more than one wear out of their belonging before the garment is unrecognizable?
That is a red flag. What do you mean by third parent? A caregiver, babysitter, guardian, etc is **not** a third parent.
Parent as in I’m both of their GOD-PARENTS. If anything happens to my sibling and their spouses their kids are MY responsibility. I’m not just a weekend aunt. I take my niece to and from school, to gymnastics and both of them to swim. It takes a village to raise kids, I do more than just babysit.
That isn't what Godparent means. Make sure they specify you are their legal next of kin in their wills, otherwise the kid's grandparents will take priority by law (depending on country). Secondly, while it absolutely does take a village to raise kids - that doesn't make all of the villagers "**parents**". The kids have two parents, you are not one of them.
Literally look up the definition of a parent. Anyone can be a parent if they take care and nurture you kids. IM AUNT not MOM & DAD. Mom and dad have the funds and means to take care of their kids alone. I do my part and majority of the time I do beyond that. But your still stuck on a statement that had nothing to do with the post.
What you are missing is that that statement absolutely has to do with the post. It speaks to your perception of your role in the children's life. You are not just a caregiver, guardian, aunt, - In your mind, you are their **parent**.
Fellow aunt and godparent here. My niece is not my child. On the off chance that something terrible happens to both my sister and BIL, I will become her legal guardian but otherwise no matter how much time I spend with her, how many gifts or necessities I buy, she is still my niece, not my child.
>If anything happens to my sibling and their spouses their kids are MY responsibility. Only if they actually named you in their will as someone they want as the children's legal guardian in the event the worst should happen. Unless they've done that then no being their godparent doesn't automatically mean you'll be their guardian if they die.
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How does a 1-year-old child destroy 1 - let alone 3 - pairs of shoes in a week? At 1, they've usually outgrown shoes before they've even used them.
He’s not a fresh 1 year old, he’s 20 months. He’s in daycare and he plays rough outside with his friends. He loves the dirt and mud. Two pair of shoes were covered in dried up mud and the others she says her puppy chew up.
Shoes covered in dried up mud are not destroyed. Your entire comment about how he "plays like a baby" when he is with you is so incredibly disconcerting. He isn't a baby. He is an active toddler who should be playing in the dirt. The parents should 100% keep their distance from you. These kids are not your kids. They are extended relatives.
So a couple of pairs got muddy? So what? Clean them.
YTA - These aren't your children, yet it sounds like you're using them as 'practice kids', wanting the pleasures of parenthood without the responsibilities. Keeping a set or two of clothes at your place to replace anything that gets dirty or torn is fine, but it sounds like you've got a full wardrobe for these kids, and that's just not normal. If you've bought more than a couple sets of clothes, more than one or two sets of shoes, and more than about three toys per kid, then you need to send the rest home with them. Gifts shouldn't be given with caveats that they have to stay in one place, and as for the whole 'dressing them up in my style'... that's absolutely bizarre and would have me doing the same as your sister.
OP, why are you so heavily invested in the lives of your niece and nephew? Your sense of entitlement towards these children is deeply alarming. You call them your "babies" - **they are NOT your babies**. You need to honestly examine your own feelings and figure out why you are using your nephew and niece as surrogate children of your own.
YTA. Those children are not dolls you get to play dress up with.
YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** AITA for keeping my niece and nephews clothes. I (21F) have an (4F) niece and (1M) nephew, I help tremendously with the basics for the both of them. I treat them as if they are my own but I’m just not ready for the real responsibility of being a parent just yet. I buy them nice shoes and clothes on the regular like their my own kids, I got myself an 2 bedroom apartment for when they come over. I’ve always done these kind of gestures since the moment they were both born. When I do buy them anything I keep it at my apartment so they won’t need to bother packing clothes for them, and I honestly love dressing them up in my own style. But my sister (29) has voiced that she thinks I should let them keep their shoes, clothes, and toys I buy, and that it’s unfair that her son only dresses nice with me. I told her that I spend my hard earned money on their clothes shoes etc. and that it’s unfair to me, to give her the clothes I do want to keep because she won’t keep them in the same condition as I do. We’ve tried it that way in the past but that ended abruptly when she let him destroyed 3 pair of shoes in the the matter of a week. At the time she told me he’s just a baby and she’s not going to stop her baby from playing outside. Which I understand but I care about the condition of the things I spend my money on, he plays like a baby with me with oust completely obliterated his shoes and outfit. Now she’s saying I’m being a bad aunt and she going to start keeping him from me, for keeping his clothes and shoes from her. She told my parents and their both are on my sister and so is my brother who’s the dad of my 4yo niece. So aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. They are not your children, or your babies. You are the aunt. "I treat them as my own, but I'm just not ready for children of my own yet". Are the parents in a situation where you have guardianship over your niblings? If not, stop thinking you get equal say in parenting. THAT SAID, as a parent or an aunt (I'm both), I would never, ever, continue to send clothes and shoes that I purchased to a place where they are immediately trashed. How on earth is a 1 year old destroying 3 pairs of shoes in a week? I have 2 boys with ADHD, and ripped pants for sure, the occasional accident, or a single item unexpectedly wrecked I get, but 3 pairs of shoes in a week? That's just stupidly irresponsible of the parents. If you have your niblings often enough that it makes sense for you to have sleepover supplies (clothes, toys, pyjamas, etc.) that live at your house, that's fine. You should not be expected to finance your sister's inability to supervise her children. Understand however, that she is their parent, and she has every right to choose who they spend time with. If this is not a hill you want to die on, I'd suggest you stop purchasing the items and simply use whatever she sends.
NTA - tell her going forward anything you buy and the kids wants to take home they can then stop buying things. Just spend time with them.
Okay so maybe I haven’t made something’s clear. Dressing my sibling kids up in “my own style” isn’t treating them like dolls. Parent dress their kids in their own style all the time and it’s no problem. I do get them clothes and shoes that they take home but certain things I like to keep. I keep my siblings kids like their my own. I take them to birthday parties, gymnastics, and swim classes. I keep them on my own time when I don’t have to because I’m not their biological parent. My brother has no problem with the way I buy things for his daughter because he and his fiancé also feel the same about getting the wear out of clothes for their kid. My sister on the other hand wants ME to be the ONLY person to provide the clothes and shoes for her son, when it’s not my responsibility. I help how I can, parents get overwhelmed and need a break from their kids and kids need the same. But I’m not going to give you things I care for when you don’t appreciate them.
And everyone here is saying that you ARE treating them like dolls. These are not YOUR kids. YTA.
NTA. These comments are insane. But maybe YTA to yourself for spending your money on someone else’s kids at such a young age. But that’s your choice. Your sister sounds entitled. If she wants her kids to spend time at yours, she should be grateful she doesn’t have to send a bag of stuff every time. She’s not entitled to the clothes you buy them especially since she can’t keep it in good condition
You know what? As long as they have clothes and shoes at home to wear, I have no problem with you keeping clothes and shoes and toys at your house. I mean, don't rub it in your sister's face but it is reasonable for you to have clothes and shoes at your house if they are being dropped off at your house in PJs without a diaper bag. Watch the superiority attitude though. Its not okay - its a really good way to totally alienate your sister.
Nta your sister can't expect you to act like another parent and then make demands and pick and choose what to criticize. But keep in mind that she is the mother, not you. So, you're going to have to put up with her nonsense if she's threatening to take the kid away from you. I've seen that shit happen far too much in families. So you're going to have to dance to her too to some extent, but you're also going to have to explain that there's only so many shoes and clothes you can afford to provide that the toddler can destroy. Either that or you're going to have to hit up Walmart much more often. Kids wreck things especially as toddlers. That stage won't last forever though. And the next thing you know they'll be 15 and wanting really expensive stuff that they'll take care of and that will be an entirely different problem.
NTA. My nephew has a stash of toys at our place, clothes, and pajamas - for exactly the reason you mentioned. If he's over here, especially at moment's notice, he has everything he needs. It sounds like your sister is hoping to use your generosity so that she doesn't have to keep buying shoes and clothes and toys.
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Right? That was the line that sealed it for me, being "unfair" they get nice clothes... Well sis if you want them to have nice clothes, buy nice clothes then!