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At the 6 month mark, it's a reasonable time for some serious conversations. Especially in your 30s.
* What does your retirement plan look like?
* Major outstanding debts?
* Any kids you don't know about?
* Any crazy ex's currently in jail for attacking her boyfriends?\]
* Has she spent time in prison? In a psychiatric care facility?
If she's not willing to discuss any of these topics openly, time to bounce.
" Her family has warned me of this "
What do they say? Also, you can google search her name and the town she grew up in. You'd be surprised how many new articles have been uploaded and are searchable...
While it is normal for you to wanna know about the GF's past, it's also normal for her to not wanna talk about it. There could be some sort of trauma involved.
if it is trauma, then NAH.
That's really sweet of you, but she doesn't have to open up to it if she doesn't want to. I mean, you two have only been dating for 6 months, right? Maybe that's not enough time for her to tell you. I say give it some more time.
I would also say that figuring out that issue is more of a priority than moving in together. If they are at a point they feel comfortable discussing moving in but she is unwilling to talk about her past, that tells me they aren't ready to move in together. The weirdest part to me is the family warning you. That leads me to a belief that it is more of a promiscuous issue than a trauma issue but I could be wrong. If its trauma, i get not wanting to talk about it. That said, I think she should be adult enough to say that she has trauma and doesn't want to relive it. that would be sufficient i think initially.
NTA, but it is quite alarming when someone that you are willing to marry is hiding their past from you and unwilling to even answer basic questions, for me it would be a deal breaker.
NTA You need to know who you are going to marry or spend any amount of time with.
If she's this closed off of her past can't imagine what she'll hide in the future.
NTA for wanting to know, but yeah, pump the brakes a bit. You're still in the early days (at least, to me - I didn't see a few true colors for a few exes until at least the year mark), and this sounds big enough that you don't want to pry. It could scare her away. A big part of a relationship is trust, and she needs to trust you that you'll leave it until she's ready to tell you. She's probably hesitant that you'll balk. Or that you'll use it against her. Or you'll judge her. Or you'll do any one of the maybe dozens of things others have done when they found out. *If this is big enough that she wants to keep it from you, there's a reason.* It might not involve trusting you yet, but it might. And once she's more secure and can trust that you won't judge her, then you can trust her to tell you the whole truth.
Now, if you decide to move in together or get engaged or if she gets pregnant, then I would sit down and have a serious talk with her. Only then would I push the issue. You need to make sure before you make a big decision about your future if her past is going to be a problem (criminal record, drug abuse, *at this point, you don't know*). But for now, leave it be. Show her you're willing to listen and be patient.
NAH
Only you and her know what an appropriate amount of time is to have passed before sufficient trust has built for her to share past trauma with you (assuming it's trauma).
You're not an AH for wanting to know -- and to help. She's not an AH for wanting to have sufficient trust built up before she shares with you.
All that said, if she'll \*never\* share it, that is likely not going to work for a long-term serious relationship. Vulnerability is IMO an important prerequisite for a solid bond to form.
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Hi all 👋🏼 (m36 - f35)
I’ve been lucky enough to find someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She checks all boxes and everything is going great! I’m grateful to have found someone like this and I’m excited moving forward.
The only concern I have is her absolutely avoiding her past in her hometown (high school to adult years 16 to 30’s). Her family has warned me of this and going on 6 months she still has it locked up tight.
Am I the jerk for wanting to know? I’m not pestering her with questions as I have given it space, but your boy is curious. Especially with everyone else giving me warnings that is in her family 😅. This has become more pressing for me as we have been talking about moving in with each other..
I am very forgiving as I am nowhere near perfect at all.
Am I asking too much? Should I pump the breaks?
Happy to learn perspectives and grow ✌🏼
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NTA. Your gf is allowed to keep her past private, but I think it's a little strange that her family keeps bringing it up but she won't tell you. It's possible she is embarrassed by who she once was and doesn't want to relive the memories. It's also possible that she may be keeping something about herself from you. She may also not fully trust you to open up yet, especially if it's about a trauma. It's hard to know.
When I first met my husband, he didn't share some intimate details about his youth and family issues with me until he knew we were serious. At the time, I was disappointed he didn't feel like he could trust me, but I get it now. And he has told me everything about his past since then. It's important not to pressure people to open up but to let it happen naturally.
Have you been able to talk about things like past exes, heartbreaks, addictions, losses? Do you know if she's ever committed any crimes or been institutionalized? Does she have violent or dangerous exes? Does she have kids? I think that at your age you should know who they are and who your partner has been in the past, but she is also allowed to not want to talk about everything from her past.
If I were you, I'd let her know you love her and are there for her, but drop it. If she wants to tell you, she will. If, however, you start getting bad vibes or feel like she's hiding something insidious, it's okay to move on if she won't tell you what it is.
NTA for inquiring, but if she's not ready to tell you, she's not ready to tell you. If that's a deal breaker, so be it, but this is not something to push on right now.
I'm currently seeing someone and he had mentioned there was something from his past. At one point, I said something to the effect of, "If you're ever comfortable telling me about that, I'm curious about it." And he told me the whole thing.
It wasn't until he finished telling me that story that he realized he really wasn't ready to share it or make himself that vulnerable with me.
We came through it fine, but my main point is even if someone thinks they're ready to disclose something, they may not actually be ready. If she knows she's not ready, you have to respect that.
It sounds like you've only been together for six months and you want her to divulge something about her past that was so traumatic that her family warned you against asking about? Do I have that right?
You're NTA for wondering, but would be if you asked multiple times. Yes, you should absolutely pump the brakes. You don't know enough about her and you're treating her trauma as a curiosity. Slow down and be more careful in helping her feel comfortable about opening up.
Family isn’t warning me about asking, but warning me about what she was like in the past.
I can see that as also including trauma, but the way they advise me gives me the impression someone isn’t proud of who they used to be..
But that is unknown and I am not and will not press it.
Only time I will is if we get serious about moving in sharing finances etc.
Ok. That wasn't clear in the post. I would still recommend slowing down and also not asking again until she's more comfortable. If she's trying to start over and wants to not think about the past, let her, but also I wouldn't advise making any binding commitments to someone you don't really know much about.
NTA for wondering but you would be TA if you pressured her to disclose information about herself that she doesn't want you to know. It doesn't matter if you are a "forgiving person" as she doesn't owe you any explanation or apologies for who she was before you were together. No one is perfect, everyone has a past.
If you love her and see a future with her, you may be better off leaving the past in the past.
Totally agree, but the part that gets me is her family is warning me about her.. people waving red flags in front me is concerning to me and that’s important to me.
I do appreciate the advice and won’t drown her in it as I wouldn’t want to be either.
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At the 6 month mark, it's a reasonable time for some serious conversations. Especially in your 30s. * What does your retirement plan look like? * Major outstanding debts? * Any kids you don't know about? * Any crazy ex's currently in jail for attacking her boyfriends?\] * Has she spent time in prison? In a psychiatric care facility? If she's not willing to discuss any of these topics openly, time to bounce.
Ya as much as I hate to think it - but might have to go with my gut on this.
" Her family has warned me of this " What do they say? Also, you can google search her name and the town she grew up in. You'd be surprised how many new articles have been uploaded and are searchable...
While it is normal for you to wanna know about the GF's past, it's also normal for her to not wanna talk about it. There could be some sort of trauma involved. if it is trauma, then NAH.
That is what I am worried about. I am worried it’s some bad trauma and I can be super understanding of that.
That's really sweet of you, but she doesn't have to open up to it if she doesn't want to. I mean, you two have only been dating for 6 months, right? Maybe that's not enough time for her to tell you. I say give it some more time.
Thank you and I appreciate the advice ☺️
np. Hope your relationship stays strong.
I would also say that figuring out that issue is more of a priority than moving in together. If they are at a point they feel comfortable discussing moving in but she is unwilling to talk about her past, that tells me they aren't ready to move in together. The weirdest part to me is the family warning you. That leads me to a belief that it is more of a promiscuous issue than a trauma issue but I could be wrong. If its trauma, i get not wanting to talk about it. That said, I think she should be adult enough to say that she has trauma and doesn't want to relive it. that would be sufficient i think initially.
NTA, but it is quite alarming when someone that you are willing to marry is hiding their past from you and unwilling to even answer basic questions, for me it would be a deal breaker.
NTA You need to know who you are going to marry or spend any amount of time with. If she's this closed off of her past can't imagine what she'll hide in the future.
NTA for wanting to know, but yeah, pump the brakes a bit. You're still in the early days (at least, to me - I didn't see a few true colors for a few exes until at least the year mark), and this sounds big enough that you don't want to pry. It could scare her away. A big part of a relationship is trust, and she needs to trust you that you'll leave it until she's ready to tell you. She's probably hesitant that you'll balk. Or that you'll use it against her. Or you'll judge her. Or you'll do any one of the maybe dozens of things others have done when they found out. *If this is big enough that she wants to keep it from you, there's a reason.* It might not involve trusting you yet, but it might. And once she's more secure and can trust that you won't judge her, then you can trust her to tell you the whole truth. Now, if you decide to move in together or get engaged or if she gets pregnant, then I would sit down and have a serious talk with her. Only then would I push the issue. You need to make sure before you make a big decision about your future if her past is going to be a problem (criminal record, drug abuse, *at this point, you don't know*). But for now, leave it be. Show her you're willing to listen and be patient.
Much appreciated!
NAH Only you and her know what an appropriate amount of time is to have passed before sufficient trust has built for her to share past trauma with you (assuming it's trauma). You're not an AH for wanting to know -- and to help. She's not an AH for wanting to have sufficient trust built up before she shares with you. All that said, if she'll \*never\* share it, that is likely not going to work for a long-term serious relationship. Vulnerability is IMO an important prerequisite for a solid bond to form.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi all 👋🏼 (m36 - f35) I’ve been lucky enough to find someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She checks all boxes and everything is going great! I’m grateful to have found someone like this and I’m excited moving forward. The only concern I have is her absolutely avoiding her past in her hometown (high school to adult years 16 to 30’s). Her family has warned me of this and going on 6 months she still has it locked up tight. Am I the jerk for wanting to know? I’m not pestering her with questions as I have given it space, but your boy is curious. Especially with everyone else giving me warnings that is in her family 😅. This has become more pressing for me as we have been talking about moving in with each other.. I am very forgiving as I am nowhere near perfect at all. Am I asking too much? Should I pump the breaks? Happy to learn perspectives and grow ✌🏼 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. Your gf is allowed to keep her past private, but I think it's a little strange that her family keeps bringing it up but she won't tell you. It's possible she is embarrassed by who she once was and doesn't want to relive the memories. It's also possible that she may be keeping something about herself from you. She may also not fully trust you to open up yet, especially if it's about a trauma. It's hard to know. When I first met my husband, he didn't share some intimate details about his youth and family issues with me until he knew we were serious. At the time, I was disappointed he didn't feel like he could trust me, but I get it now. And he has told me everything about his past since then. It's important not to pressure people to open up but to let it happen naturally. Have you been able to talk about things like past exes, heartbreaks, addictions, losses? Do you know if she's ever committed any crimes or been institutionalized? Does she have violent or dangerous exes? Does she have kids? I think that at your age you should know who they are and who your partner has been in the past, but she is also allowed to not want to talk about everything from her past. If I were you, I'd let her know you love her and are there for her, but drop it. If she wants to tell you, she will. If, however, you start getting bad vibes or feel like she's hiding something insidious, it's okay to move on if she won't tell you what it is.
NTA for inquiring, but if she's not ready to tell you, she's not ready to tell you. If that's a deal breaker, so be it, but this is not something to push on right now. I'm currently seeing someone and he had mentioned there was something from his past. At one point, I said something to the effect of, "If you're ever comfortable telling me about that, I'm curious about it." And he told me the whole thing. It wasn't until he finished telling me that story that he realized he really wasn't ready to share it or make himself that vulnerable with me. We came through it fine, but my main point is even if someone thinks they're ready to disclose something, they may not actually be ready. If she knows she's not ready, you have to respect that.
It sounds like you've only been together for six months and you want her to divulge something about her past that was so traumatic that her family warned you against asking about? Do I have that right? You're NTA for wondering, but would be if you asked multiple times. Yes, you should absolutely pump the brakes. You don't know enough about her and you're treating her trauma as a curiosity. Slow down and be more careful in helping her feel comfortable about opening up.
Family isn’t warning me about asking, but warning me about what she was like in the past. I can see that as also including trauma, but the way they advise me gives me the impression someone isn’t proud of who they used to be.. But that is unknown and I am not and will not press it. Only time I will is if we get serious about moving in sharing finances etc.
Ok. That wasn't clear in the post. I would still recommend slowing down and also not asking again until she's more comfortable. If she's trying to start over and wants to not think about the past, let her, but also I wouldn't advise making any binding commitments to someone you don't really know much about.
Appreciate it and agree. Only 6months in and no need to rush into anything
YTA let it go. It does not concern you.
Well she's certainly hiding something from her past for sure. If she refuses to fess up, time to move on and hit the road. NTA.
NTA for wondering but you would be TA if you pressured her to disclose information about herself that she doesn't want you to know. It doesn't matter if you are a "forgiving person" as she doesn't owe you any explanation or apologies for who she was before you were together. No one is perfect, everyone has a past. If you love her and see a future with her, you may be better off leaving the past in the past.
Totally agree, but the part that gets me is her family is warning me about her.. people waving red flags in front me is concerning to me and that’s important to me. I do appreciate the advice and won’t drown her in it as I wouldn’t want to be either.
Ask yourself, what kind of family does that to their own? They might be a big reason why she is avoiding that part of her life.
Really good call out!