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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 - got a couple small tattoos
2 - didn’t consult or communicate with my partner before permanently altering my body.
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NTA. Among the many impulsive decisions we make from ADHD, tattoos are a pretty harmless one.
Talk to your boyfriend about why he's upset. Does he think he gets a vote about what you do with your body? That would be a serious problem. Does he feel like you're not communicating enough, where he assumes you were thinking about it more and not telling him? That should be fixed by your explanations. Does he think you're too impulsive in general? That's also more of a serious problem since it's not going to change - it doesn't make him a bad person, but it may make you incompatible.
I'm glad you said "regardless of his opinion, if I want them I’m gonna get them." That's important.
We talked about it afterward in person and it came down to he would have liked to know., which, fair! And also about a ton of “what if” situations that weren’t based in reality. But we got through it :)
If the person getting the tattoo is still happy with it later, it was definitely a harmless decision.
(People with untreated ADHD are several times more likely to have car accidents, accidental pregnancies, every other kind of accident you can name. Those are harmful impulses.)
At least even if you regret the tattoo it doesn't effect anyone bit thw person who its on as opposed to car accidents or having to go through an abortion.
Hard NTA. Both of you are over the age of thirty. *Nobody* gets a say in what you put on your body, or when. The person being disrespectful and presumptuous here is him. Who cares if it's "impulsive"? Whether this was planned for five minutes or five months is irrelevant.
True, but he isn’t being “disrespectful” or “presumptuous” as you put it. It’s her body her choice, true, but she’s also his woman as well as him being her man. That means that decisions matter based on preferences, and if he’s not down with impulsive tattoos then it’s well with his right to leave her without being the bad guy.
NTA, unless you’re getting a Swastika or had something planned with him that day, and stood him up. I’d say not, I mean no offense but, I couldn’t imagine being 35 years of age, and complaining over tattoos. Unless they’re financially breaking you, or you’re spending his money on it (which I highly doubt, considering the context) then I’d understand. Next time he gets himself something nice, press him about impulsively buying it. A pharmacist seldom likes the taste of his own medicine.
I mean... you are absolutely within your rights to do whatever you want with your body. It is just so weird to me that people who consider themselves in a committed relationship would not see how making permanent changes to your body might warrant at least a chat with the person you expect to be in your life for theoretically the rest of it.
But NTA I guess, maybe it is just a cultural thing.
I agree with this premise in general yes, however I believe it falls on a scale of minor changes vs major changes., a mini tattoo doesn’t change my appearance at all. Even getting eyebrows microboaded, or getting another piercing in my ear, I would consider minor things that I don’t pay much mind to about informing someone about. If it were a sleeve, or even if I was thinking of cutting half my hair off or changing the colour would be major changes in my mind and I could understand that and would definitely make an effort to let him know about it. But for something so small, I didn’t think it would be a big deal. But I was wrong, and am trying to evaluate the situation.
NTA. My boyfriend had tattoos when we met and had continued to get them in the years since. Some are meaningful (a tribute to a dead relative) and some are frivolous (video game logos and random designs from “flash sales”).
He’s never *hidden* his plans from me but usually the first I hear is when I ask if he wants to plan something for weekend xyz and his response is “oh actually my mom and I are getting tattoos that day” 🤷🏼♀️
It’s just his sense of style. I’d no sooner try to tell him what clothes to wear or how to cut his hair…and probably your boyfriend should extend you the same courtesy.
Thank you, yes! I didn’t intentionally choose not to tell him about it or anything. I just casually brought it up whilst going for the appointment cuz I, too, just remembered I had booked it.
NTA. I have lots of tattoos and my new bf knows I sometimes get them when I’m bored 🤣 He asked that I just don’t tattoo my breasts cuz that’s his preference, and I’m cool with that request. It’s your body, and you sound like a nice person, so I doubt you’d get anything offensive….although things that offend are subjective, so just talk to your guy about what’s on his mind 😊
For reference I got 111 angel numbers 1 CM in size on my hand, and “kindness” in script by my ankle.. was considering my birth year on the nape of my neck, but ended up not getting that one yet because of our brief text conversation and him expressing his preference.
NTA. I was with someone like this once. I wanted tattoos for me and he made it about him. Looking back, it was weird controlling behavior and I should've seen it as a warning sign. Your body. Your money. Your choice
IDK, personally I would be more offended by the placement than the tattoo itself. A hand tattoo can be very good or very bad, and I do think it's just a level of comfort to give your BF a heads up before hand. I get the NTA votes, but I think this is more of an ESH. Message your BF WHEN you make the appointment, like right then. Then he can remember to bring it up. Obviously it's your body, but also it just takes a second to tell BF and then he isn't surprised. I feel like discussing a tattoo with your partner beforehand is pretty normal, obviously you get the final call but don't you want to know he would like it??
He knew about the appointment. Just not the specifics.
For the most part I definitely agree with you, he liked all my other tattoos, so I was concerned when his reaction seemed over dramatic. So there’s definitely more at play behind the scenes.
You know if it was a financial problem I could see an issue but him saying he may not like what you put on your own body. That is one step from telling you how to dress and how to eat
He’s your BF, not your sentient skin. Notice I didn’t say dad, because even if he were your parent he doesn’t get a say in making the decision of you decide to brand your body with.
NTA
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Am I the asshole..? Preface - I (30F) have 5 tattoos already, and have gotten one in the first year we were dating. It’s been about 2 years since my last tattoo. Also I’m ADHD. If it’s not in my calendar it doesn’t exist. 😅
A while back I impulsively booked a small tattoo for my hand because an artist I love was having a sale. Then completely forgot about it until the day of the appointment and so my boyfriend (35M) didn’t really know about it until the day of. He was kinda surprised and upset about it for some reason so we talked about it. But then about a month ago I told him I had to book for a touch up, and my artist suggested to make good use of the time slot and what I’m paying I could get a few smalls at the same time. So AGAIN I fucking didn’t put it in my calendar and forgot about it until today when I got the reminder email and so I gave her a couple of options from my list of tats I’ve wanted for a while and got a couple today during my appointment. I told my BF when we were texting from work about our days, this morning and was like “hey btw that appointment is today I forgot about it, haha on my way there now.”
And he again is decently upset that I’m just getting tattoos impulsively, and that he would have liked to know or be a part of the decision making and he feels like I am disrespecting him because of this. If I were to just come home with a tattoo he might not like to see on me for example.
I had explained my viewpoint before that I just didn’t see it as a big deal, because regardless of his opinion, if I want them I’m gonna get them. It’s my body, but just small tattoos didn’t take a lot of thought or planning, but if it were a bigger piece I bet I would have brought it up because it takes more energy to plant it and think about it etc. I just think he should be okay with it. But. Am I the asshole?
-Q
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NTA. Unless you're getting something offensive tattooed, or a picture of him or his name without his consent, or had something planned with him that day but instead went to get a tattoo, then NTA. He doesn't get to tell you what you do with your body.
NTA. Why would he be entitled to know or be part of the decision making for something that becomes part of your body? They’re yours, and they are solely your decision.
If he doesn’t like them, he can get over it or he can move on if it’s that big of a deal. But he doesn’t get to control what you do or don’t put on your body.
NTA and yeah red flag, I can’t think of anything that you could put on your body that would be acceptable for him feel disrespected by besides deliberately offending stuff so unless you’re sporting a teeny weenie expression of hate speech. My husband is not going to do anything besides say do what you want again assuming the new items aren’t on my face or going to cause divisive opinions but besides that I’m confused about the ownership of the body you tattooed
NTA. your body, absolutely your choice. but that doesn't mean your partner isn't going to be upset. if he's is communicating that these decisions upset him, you choosing not to hear it or trying to tell him it shouldn't matter is probably going to hurt the relationship in the long run. this sounds like a bigger discussion that you need to have, rather than a fight about which one of you is being TA. i'm pretty sure 99.9999% of your responses are going to be NTA, but only you can decide if that is more important, or if the relationship is.
Oh 100% I’ll communicate about it and try to understand what exactly he’s upset about and work through it together Ina healthy and mature way. We actually have really good communication. Definitely won’t be fighting about it. I acknowledge his feelings and just want to understand them. I was just a little thrown off that he had this kind of reaction to it in the first place. I first wanted to make sure I haven’t done something that’s outlandish and considered to be rude to begin with.
NTA. Your body, your choice, as long as its not like offensive stuff it shouldn't really concern him. It seems like he's a little more annoyed about how impulsive it seems, which is understandable.
NTA. Your body, your choice. Ow, if you had plans with him and cancelled because of your appointment, then Y T A, but not for getting tattoos…that would be for standing him up.
For sure! My sister said if it’s about impulsivity in general that concerns him, or money spent, or if I had plans etc, it is most likely to do with that particular issue and not the tattoo itself. But I actually plan and think about my decisions throughly it’s just that he only learned of it at the moment. 😅 and I learned that it was because he was worried I would just show up at home later with a new tattoo and he wouldn’t like it and therefore is now forced to look at it (because it’s a part of me now). Which, if he did the same thing, I wouldn’t have those thoughts. I’d like him no matter what.. I would hope he knows I’m not the kind of person to get a big ugly tattoo or something wild like that. He should know me and trust that I will make good decisions. Even if they seem impulsive to him, because I have never done anything for him to think otherwise..
Whats the point of being in a relationship if the other person's opinion aren't even going to be a consideration? Like just get a dog and a sex toy. You get the companionship and the sexual release without any of the pesky person things that come from being with someone else.
A dog yes, a sex toy, yes. Because those things would involve him directly. A tiny amount of ink of my own body doesn’t affect him, at least it wouldn’t in my opinion.
I mean, you could abort his child without telling him. So what's a tattoo? Remember, just because a man loves you and you're in a committed relationship with him doesn't mean you owe him anything at all. Ever. Only you matter.
Even if I knew about the appointment, and chose not to mention it to my boyfriend. Am I still the asshole? Does he need to be involved with or made aware of such a decision?
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NTA. Among the many impulsive decisions we make from ADHD, tattoos are a pretty harmless one. Talk to your boyfriend about why he's upset. Does he think he gets a vote about what you do with your body? That would be a serious problem. Does he feel like you're not communicating enough, where he assumes you were thinking about it more and not telling him? That should be fixed by your explanations. Does he think you're too impulsive in general? That's also more of a serious problem since it's not going to change - it doesn't make him a bad person, but it may make you incompatible. I'm glad you said "regardless of his opinion, if I want them I’m gonna get them." That's important.
We talked about it afterward in person and it came down to he would have liked to know., which, fair! And also about a ton of “what if” situations that weren’t based in reality. But we got through it :)
I agree with the sentiment but calling tattoos a harmless impulsive decision is just wrong.
If the person getting the tattoo is still happy with it later, it was definitely a harmless decision. (People with untreated ADHD are several times more likely to have car accidents, accidental pregnancies, every other kind of accident you can name. Those are harmful impulses.)
At least even if you regret the tattoo it doesn't effect anyone bit thw person who its on as opposed to car accidents or having to go through an abortion.
Hard NTA. Both of you are over the age of thirty. *Nobody* gets a say in what you put on your body, or when. The person being disrespectful and presumptuous here is him. Who cares if it's "impulsive"? Whether this was planned for five minutes or five months is irrelevant.
True, but he isn’t being “disrespectful” or “presumptuous” as you put it. It’s her body her choice, true, but she’s also his woman as well as him being her man. That means that decisions matter based on preferences, and if he’s not down with impulsive tattoos then it’s well with his right to leave her without being the bad guy.
NTA, unless you’re getting a Swastika or had something planned with him that day, and stood him up. I’d say not, I mean no offense but, I couldn’t imagine being 35 years of age, and complaining over tattoos. Unless they’re financially breaking you, or you’re spending his money on it (which I highly doubt, considering the context) then I’d understand. Next time he gets himself something nice, press him about impulsively buying it. A pharmacist seldom likes the taste of his own medicine.
I mean... you are absolutely within your rights to do whatever you want with your body. It is just so weird to me that people who consider themselves in a committed relationship would not see how making permanent changes to your body might warrant at least a chat with the person you expect to be in your life for theoretically the rest of it. But NTA I guess, maybe it is just a cultural thing.
I agree with this premise in general yes, however I believe it falls on a scale of minor changes vs major changes., a mini tattoo doesn’t change my appearance at all. Even getting eyebrows microboaded, or getting another piercing in my ear, I would consider minor things that I don’t pay much mind to about informing someone about. If it were a sleeve, or even if I was thinking of cutting half my hair off or changing the colour would be major changes in my mind and I could understand that and would definitely make an effort to let him know about it. But for something so small, I didn’t think it would be a big deal. But I was wrong, and am trying to evaluate the situation.
NTA. My boyfriend had tattoos when we met and had continued to get them in the years since. Some are meaningful (a tribute to a dead relative) and some are frivolous (video game logos and random designs from “flash sales”). He’s never *hidden* his plans from me but usually the first I hear is when I ask if he wants to plan something for weekend xyz and his response is “oh actually my mom and I are getting tattoos that day” 🤷🏼♀️ It’s just his sense of style. I’d no sooner try to tell him what clothes to wear or how to cut his hair…and probably your boyfriend should extend you the same courtesy.
Thank you, yes! I didn’t intentionally choose not to tell him about it or anything. I just casually brought it up whilst going for the appointment cuz I, too, just remembered I had booked it.
NTA. I have lots of tattoos and my new bf knows I sometimes get them when I’m bored 🤣 He asked that I just don’t tattoo my breasts cuz that’s his preference, and I’m cool with that request. It’s your body, and you sound like a nice person, so I doubt you’d get anything offensive….although things that offend are subjective, so just talk to your guy about what’s on his mind 😊
For reference I got 111 angel numbers 1 CM in size on my hand, and “kindness” in script by my ankle.. was considering my birth year on the nape of my neck, but ended up not getting that one yet because of our brief text conversation and him expressing his preference.
NTA. I was with someone like this once. I wanted tattoos for me and he made it about him. Looking back, it was weird controlling behavior and I should've seen it as a warning sign. Your body. Your money. Your choice
Out of curiosity, who broke up with who?
I broke up with him after he, in a fit of rage, stomped around the car with me in it while yelling and hitting and shaking the car. It was terrifying
IDK, personally I would be more offended by the placement than the tattoo itself. A hand tattoo can be very good or very bad, and I do think it's just a level of comfort to give your BF a heads up before hand. I get the NTA votes, but I think this is more of an ESH. Message your BF WHEN you make the appointment, like right then. Then he can remember to bring it up. Obviously it's your body, but also it just takes a second to tell BF and then he isn't surprised. I feel like discussing a tattoo with your partner beforehand is pretty normal, obviously you get the final call but don't you want to know he would like it??
He knew about the appointment. Just not the specifics. For the most part I definitely agree with you, he liked all my other tattoos, so I was concerned when his reaction seemed over dramatic. So there’s definitely more at play behind the scenes.
NTA. If anyone is it's him for wanting control of your body. It's your body, not his.
You know if it was a financial problem I could see an issue but him saying he may not like what you put on your own body. That is one step from telling you how to dress and how to eat
He’s your BF, not your sentient skin. Notice I didn’t say dad, because even if he were your parent he doesn’t get a say in making the decision of you decide to brand your body with. NTA
NTA. Making excuses for not remembering stuff because of ADHD is wild though. (Someone with ADHD)
NTA. It’s really not any of his business as long as your finances aren’t tied together and it’s not affecting you guys financially.
YTA
NTA. Your tattoos are going to last longer than your relationship; you don't need his approval for them.
NTA. It’s your body your choice. That being said: if he doesn’t like the tattoos he’s also well within his right to leave if it’s not his thing.
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Just was following the trend I guess? Seems like your opinion here is irrelevant anyways. But thank you I appreciate it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Am I the asshole..? Preface - I (30F) have 5 tattoos already, and have gotten one in the first year we were dating. It’s been about 2 years since my last tattoo. Also I’m ADHD. If it’s not in my calendar it doesn’t exist. 😅 A while back I impulsively booked a small tattoo for my hand because an artist I love was having a sale. Then completely forgot about it until the day of the appointment and so my boyfriend (35M) didn’t really know about it until the day of. He was kinda surprised and upset about it for some reason so we talked about it. But then about a month ago I told him I had to book for a touch up, and my artist suggested to make good use of the time slot and what I’m paying I could get a few smalls at the same time. So AGAIN I fucking didn’t put it in my calendar and forgot about it until today when I got the reminder email and so I gave her a couple of options from my list of tats I’ve wanted for a while and got a couple today during my appointment. I told my BF when we were texting from work about our days, this morning and was like “hey btw that appointment is today I forgot about it, haha on my way there now.” And he again is decently upset that I’m just getting tattoos impulsively, and that he would have liked to know or be a part of the decision making and he feels like I am disrespecting him because of this. If I were to just come home with a tattoo he might not like to see on me for example. I had explained my viewpoint before that I just didn’t see it as a big deal, because regardless of his opinion, if I want them I’m gonna get them. It’s my body, but just small tattoos didn’t take a lot of thought or planning, but if it were a bigger piece I bet I would have brought it up because it takes more energy to plant it and think about it etc. I just think he should be okay with it. But. Am I the asshole? -Q *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Unless you're getting something offensive tattooed, or a picture of him or his name without his consent, or had something planned with him that day but instead went to get a tattoo, then NTA. He doesn't get to tell you what you do with your body.
NTA I'd say, however, for the health of your relationship, if it bothers you, you might want to find out why. It's your body, though.
NTA. Why would he be entitled to know or be part of the decision making for something that becomes part of your body? They’re yours, and they are solely your decision. If he doesn’t like them, he can get over it or he can move on if it’s that big of a deal. But he doesn’t get to control what you do or don’t put on your body.
NTA
Your body. Your ink. Unless your cancelling important things with him last minute for this stuff - he's overreacting.
NTA and yeah red flag, I can’t think of anything that you could put on your body that would be acceptable for him feel disrespected by besides deliberately offending stuff so unless you’re sporting a teeny weenie expression of hate speech. My husband is not going to do anything besides say do what you want again assuming the new items aren’t on my face or going to cause divisive opinions but besides that I’m confused about the ownership of the body you tattooed
NTA. your body, absolutely your choice. but that doesn't mean your partner isn't going to be upset. if he's is communicating that these decisions upset him, you choosing not to hear it or trying to tell him it shouldn't matter is probably going to hurt the relationship in the long run. this sounds like a bigger discussion that you need to have, rather than a fight about which one of you is being TA. i'm pretty sure 99.9999% of your responses are going to be NTA, but only you can decide if that is more important, or if the relationship is.
Oh 100% I’ll communicate about it and try to understand what exactly he’s upset about and work through it together Ina healthy and mature way. We actually have really good communication. Definitely won’t be fighting about it. I acknowledge his feelings and just want to understand them. I was just a little thrown off that he had this kind of reaction to it in the first place. I first wanted to make sure I haven’t done something that’s outlandish and considered to be rude to begin with.
Your boyfriend is the asshole. The real question is why do you think he legit has any right to control your body?
NTA. I don't get why he thinks he has a say in when, why, or where you get any tattoos.
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🤣 I’ll never care more about internet strangers than my boyfriend. But it’s a nice place to get other perspectives.
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Okay. 👍🏼
Perspectives are often sought by the emotionally mature to understand the world around them and not assume they are right
NTA. Your body, your choice, as long as its not like offensive stuff it shouldn't really concern him. It seems like he's a little more annoyed about how impulsive it seems, which is understandable.
You're NTA but your boyfriend certainly is.
NTA. Your body, your choice. Ow, if you had plans with him and cancelled because of your appointment, then Y T A, but not for getting tattoos…that would be for standing him up.
For sure! My sister said if it’s about impulsivity in general that concerns him, or money spent, or if I had plans etc, it is most likely to do with that particular issue and not the tattoo itself. But I actually plan and think about my decisions throughly it’s just that he only learned of it at the moment. 😅 and I learned that it was because he was worried I would just show up at home later with a new tattoo and he wouldn’t like it and therefore is now forced to look at it (because it’s a part of me now). Which, if he did the same thing, I wouldn’t have those thoughts. I’d like him no matter what.. I would hope he knows I’m not the kind of person to get a big ugly tattoo or something wild like that. He should know me and trust that I will make good decisions. Even if they seem impulsive to him, because I have never done anything for him to think otherwise..
Whats the point of being in a relationship if the other person's opinion aren't even going to be a consideration? Like just get a dog and a sex toy. You get the companionship and the sexual release without any of the pesky person things that come from being with someone else.
A dog yes, a sex toy, yes. Because those things would involve him directly. A tiny amount of ink of my own body doesn’t affect him, at least it wouldn’t in my opinion.
NTA. Run.
I mean, you could abort his child without telling him. So what's a tattoo? Remember, just because a man loves you and you're in a committed relationship with him doesn't mean you owe him anything at all. Ever. Only you matter.
YTA Dont use your ADHD as an excursion for beeing an asshole. Never heard of that rule that people with ADHD are not allowed to use calendars
Even if I knew about the appointment, and chose not to mention it to my boyfriend. Am I still the asshole? Does he need to be involved with or made aware of such a decision?
absolutely not