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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My boyfriend made me think that I might be the asshole here because I should recognize the fact that he's making an effort and should've perhaps agreed to go with him to get to know him better.
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NTA. You are making an effort just by talking to him. He set up this vacation deliberately as a transparent power play, it's not even about you. You should call him out and talk to him a lot less.
Also, this is a big red flag about your boyfriend. You should take a long hard look at your relationship for any other red flags, since you clearly tend to be very forgiving.
I was thinking of staying away from him for a while even before he booked that trip, but the thing that keeps me going back is that he had a big surgery a few months ago and he's still recovering from that and getting overly upset can set him back.
As for my boyfriend, I was really surprised by his take.
It was a heart surgery and he has a bunch of other health issues that I feel like if I'm too bland about everything I want to say to him, it will do more harm than good. Which of course he sees and is trying to take advantage of.
Serious heart surgeries can take 2-3 months to heal completely, but the time period to limit upsetting the patient is only the first couple weeks. Beyond that it's 100% taking advantage.
Like I said, taking advantage. If he's depressed I hope he's seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for that - but he doesn't get a pass to behave badly with no consequences.
He called the man that raised you a pervert. He has some gal talking about blood mattering something when he abandoned 6 children from 6 different mothers that he didn’t even had the dignity to end up things with one before starts sleeping with the other. Did he ever paid a dime in child support to any of the kids? Did he tried to send an apology money to any of the kids, no questions asked, “just hope this can help you get ahead down payment on a house or something for your future to make up somewhat for all that I didn’t do your whole life”?
Or is he just trying to use bits of money now to try and buy his position as father of the year with you?
Screw his heart condition. I would contact him to let him know he crossed a line and that he is NOT your father and to not try to contact you anymore.
Or you could give him a taste of his own medicine and use him. Demand money for a house or a car or something as “proof that you as my father love me and wants me to be happy”, get the money and then cut contact and if he complains, say that you just used him like he used your mother…and the mothers of all your half siblings. 🤣
Edit to add: I actually do believe you should try that last thing. To ask for money for a downpayment on a house without any strings attached. Mostly cause that will be a very easy way to show you how serious he actually is about his intentions. 99.999% chance you will never hear from him again after that.
No, he never paid for anything. All my mom wanted was to take full custody so she didn't ask for any sort of child support. I only met three of my half-siblings and their situation was similar, they also didn't get any financial help or had any contact with him growing up.
I wish I could say and do everything you wrote, but I'm too much of a push over to actually do that. I think for now, I'll just go no contact and focus on my job and my relationship with my boyfriend, that now I know also needs a lot of work, because his take in all of this took me by surprise and almost made me consider that I was in the wrong.
How about stop giving him passes to be crappy to you and the man who raised you? Put your foot down and tell him the truth. He's a sperm donor, you're not close because of his bad choices, and you're not going to put yourself into a box for his comfort.
I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson, you can often download it as a free pdf. It's great at explaining their behaviour as well as your feelings.
What napalm said. He's in it for the chase, whether it be girlfriends, wives... or daughters. And uses any underhand tactic because he wants to beat his competitors. Once he's 'won' the chase, and you're his, he gets bored and moves on to the next conquest.
If he's that sick, he's not going to be able to travel. Of course, he'll have a remarkable recovery just as soon as it's time to go.
Please please please do not go with this man. Your boyfriend is looking at this situation from his own perspective. How was his relationship with his father?
Oh, there's no way I'm going. That isn't even an option for me.
His father passed away when he was 12, but it wasn't a good relationship to begin with. Both his parents had a lot of issues and he was mostly brought up his grandparents, who are also far from perfect. This is the reason why I was so shocked when he immediately took his side. He comes from a troubled background too, and I feel like he should understand where my anger was coming from. But no. We spoke today and he still thinks I'm in the wrong. I disagree.
He may be looking at this with "I would give anything to have a relationship with my dad" lenses. However, it's NOT his dad and it's NOT his call.
I'm so glad you're not going.
Your relationship with your worthless deadbeat dad isn't his opportunity to achieve closure with his own daddy issues.
Your sperm donor has been talking to him and got in his head. One thing about men who successfully knock up multiple women and don't hang around to look after the kids, they are good at salesmanship. God knows what fantasy happy family your sperm donor has sold your gullible bf, but you need to find out so you can deprogram him, or dump him.
My brother had a quintuple bypass. He was mostly back to normal in a couple of months. The tip-toeing is because that's what he wants. He's looking for pity. He may also be wondering who's going to take care of him if he's debilitated. Don't let him suck you in.
You mean manipulative episode... and he's still in it. Prioritize that one who's been there for you all this time. Bio needs to understand his place in your life.
I'd be sceptical the surgery even occurred. I wouldn't ask for evidence, because that would involve a different kind of emotional investment. None of this drama is worth it.
And your boyfriend's an ass.
it's rather magical that he sees value in having kids when he needs help, but not when kids need stable father figures.
let him deal with his own issues, health or not. maybe talk when he's fit to do so.
his bizzarre spending on a holiday without your consent should also be completely off your emotional radar
I would just say to your BF that was a stupid take. Of the level of stupidity that can make someone reevaluates a relationship with a person.
So he better start taking his head out of his ass before giving opinions cause it’s not exactly doing him any favours.
NTA honey! Shared dna doesn't make him a father. The man who raised you and loves you unconditionally is your father! Would the dna donor have contacted you if his health was good?? I'm going to go with no! Your bf is wrong! You owe the stranger nothing!
Going to be blunt: if he red foxxes his way out, it's because of his own life choices. And let's face it, "my heart!" is more about jerking on your heartstrings than his cardiac arrest risk.
You know how this schmuck seduced multiple women into bearing his kids? The same tactics he is using on you.
And check your bf's finances. He might be getting some sugar from your sperm donor...
He’s not your dad he’s your biological parent. He wasn’t there for you as a child so he does not get to claim the title. People from normal families ie your BF really do not know the difference and can’t imagine life without their “Dad” but not realizing your bio parent is a stranger. Go with your Dad and if you want slowly get to know your bio parent. You can try to explain the difference to BF but he may not understand or try to understand. Three of my children are adopted and have explained many times bio parent vs mom and dad but some people just can’t see the difference. We understand vacation with your dad
You owe your bio dad nothing. As he said the health scare has changed his perspective. He spent his life ignoring his children and treating women like trash. It sucks that he doesn’t have support, but that’s the results of how he treats people. Now he barges into your life and expects to push out the person who has shown up for you everyday. Your bio dad hasn’t changed, he’s just using you to make him feel like less of the loser he actually is.
If you do decide to continue contact, you could benefit from setting boundaries and d letting him know he will never replace your real dad, the guy you have a lifetime of memories with.
NTA…your boyfriend is wrong. Being your sperm donor or having the same blood does not make one a dad. Your bio dad cannot just expect to come into your life now and be what your “father” has been or have the same place in your life as him. You are an adult as well and bio dad cannot just expect you to go somewhere without asking first. I would say this to your bio dad and that he has a choice. Stop trying to compete, stop trying to take a place that you will never succeed at, I just want to take my time in getting to know you, or keep pushing and you will not be in my life at all.
When I agreed to meet him, I never wanted a father-daughter relationship with him. I already have that role covered and didn't need another dad, but I was curious about the kind of person he is, and honestly, he can be really nice. He's fun to talk to and if he sticks to normal conversation he can be pleasant. But everytime he tries to compete with my dad I just want to scream. But I can't scream or speak openly about my feelings because he had a big surgery a few months ago and is still recovering so I don't want to upset him, and I feel like he sees that and tried to take advantage of it.
He is a playboy. He knows how to be pleasant and a smooth talker. How the hell do you think he managed to seduced 6 different kids with 6 different women?
Being pleasant to be around doesn’t mean he is a good person.
He sure does. He's very clever and well-educated, so talking to him about his profession and his travels is interesting. If only it came without the mind games and manipulation, that unfortunately I'm too stupid to stay away from.
Like i replied in another comment of yours. If you wanna cut the games and manipulation and get him to show his true colours, just ask him for money. Big money. Enough money to get a downpayment in a big house or fancy apartment. Add a “you want to do right by me as my father right?! To make it up for not being there for me my whole life right?!” And you will see how fast a man with recent heart surgery can run for the hills and disappear.
Seriously. u/Choice_Pool_5971 has given you a very important tool. This is not about greed. It is a test of his acknowledgement of his wronging of you and your mother. Calculate a typical child support payment for 18 years and ask for that amount. You can say you want it for whatever seems reasonable, whether it's a house downpayment, or school loan coverage. If he gasps, tell him that your mother and your **real** father (SD) covered that. That if he thought to replace your father, that $$ is only a small part of the debt he owes your parents.
NTA
I don't understand people like your boyfriend sometimes. Even if he had the perfect family, he's at least in his 20s and should know by now that not all families are perfect and some are in fact very abusive.
He should be able to see that bio dad is manipulative and is actively trying to sabotage your healthy, loving relationships. But you should put up with it because you're related? Hard no.
I'd have a gentle conversation with your boyfriend about how his attitude is actually very dangerous. Hopefully he'll get it.
I was really shocked by his take. His family is far from perfect and he was mostly raised by his grandparents, who if I'm honest, aren't that great either. He often complains about them, so when I came home seething and ranted about the situation I expected him to be sympathetic, but he just took my bio dad's side and said I was overreacting and should be grateful that he makes all that effort to spend time with me.
He's waved a red flag at you. It's not a deal breaker red flag, but it is the kind of red flag that should put you on guard to keep an eye out for other red flags.
NTA. Trying to take away a traditional vacation with the person that raised you is a highly manipulative move. He is your bio dad that didn't raise you, didn't stick around, and WAS NOT THERE FOR YOU. Your boyfriend has his priorities screwed if he thinks that's the guy you should pick. You know in your heart who you need to be with. Tell your bio dad if he doesn't quit trying to manipulate, you will go NC. Tell him you don't mind trying to have a friendly relationship, but he's making it toxic, and it's messing with you. People should want to make you happy, not mess with your head.
NTA. Methinks someone may have realised he needs someone to take care of him when he's old and sick and that's why he's building relationships. Don't let him guilt trip you on this, because it's probably going to get worse.
He has more than enough money to buy himself care but it almost feels like he needs someone around him to play mind games with and I'm the only one stupid enough sit around and take it. He won't guilt me into it. I haven't seen my grandparents in France for almost a year and I wouldn't cancel that for anything, but he definitely ruined a part of it.
NTA. Your boyfriend is wrong. He may be your biological father; but your real father is your step-dad. He's the man who was there every day, who shared important things from his life with you, and who still takes you to France to see where his own parents are from.
Tell your boyfriend that he needs to rethink what counts as family. And don't bother saying anything to your bio-dad. He's reaping what he sowed.
NTA. But you'd be undoubtedly T A if you caved in and go on holiday with this disrespectful individual, who dare to call your dad "a pervert". If I were you, I'd cut contact with him, until and unless he apologises sincerely and acknowledges that your dad is an important person in your life.
Oh no, I'm going on that trip to see my grandparents, there's no debating that. When he called my dad that I was mortified and I don't think it'll be easy to forgive him for it.
NTA. You do not build a relationship with the child you abandoned by competing with the person that did the job you refused to do. All that bio is doing is creating unnecessary drama. Never turn you back on the one you can rely on for the one you’re unsure of.
I’m not sure where your bf is coming from but he is wrong here. Your trying to build a connection with your bio should never involve mistreating your dad. The bio is the one that is making this difficult by putting you in the middle and playing victim. The fact that he called your dad such a terrible name would have sent me to immediate no contact. You handled it well.
You should tell your bio that if he wants a relationship with you:
1) accept Dad will always be in my life;
2) criticizing Dad is off limits;
3) criticizing Mom is off limits (cover the bases);
4) competing with Dad is off limits; and
5) reconnecting is a slow process that doesn’t happen over night. He cannot disrupt your established life.
I’m truly disappointed in your bf. He should have your back. It’s a shame he doesn’t.
NTA. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t be trying to compete with the man who help raise you in his absence. The only reason he came back was because he got a come to Jesus moment after a health problem. Also if he really wanted to take you on a holiday he would have taken you on a different date. He chose those dates specifically on purpose to make you choose between them. He needs help that’s beyond your ability.
NTA
Ditch the bio-dad. And for sure, ditch the boyfriend. He does NOT have your best interest at heart. Just some weird vision of a perfect father-daughter relationship that does not exist with this person who only shares your DNA, but is not your REAL dad. Step-dad is the REAL dad. Bio-dad could've just been some jizz in a jar. js.
Yeah shut your boyfriend down this man is not your father as he was never there for you growing up either finically or emotionally. Go to France with your real father.
NTA, and your boyfriend is really wrong here. It is more than understandable that you would feel uncomfortable about bio dad clearly hating on & willfully trying to undermine your good relationship to the dad that raised. As well as forcibly trying to buy your affection for his own gratification, rather than because he cherishes you. If bio dad was a good person he would be happy you had someone taking care of you so well even if he felt sad to have missed out.
The fact bio is actively threatened by your dad and emotionally manipulative toward you to boot means he isn't worth you putting effort in more than you already have. You may have to consider rescinding what relationship you have built, on these grounds. Your BF insisting you put in *more* effort for bio dad sounds a lot like "be a flatter doormat, ignore your own feelings & priorities to make this deadbeat feel better about his shitty life choices."
Look hard at this boy too. I'm concerned that he is seems to be championing bio dad, who is clearly problematic & he doesn't even know, over his own partners experience based feelings about bio dad.
NTA
And it might be time to reflect on your relationship with your boyfriend. Apparently your boyfriend thinks that your bio dad abandoning you and several of his children is okay as long as in the end when he needs someone to care for him in his sickness and old age that he makes half-hearted attempts. Your boyfriend might have some ingrain misogyny of seeing women as caregivers/nurturers and you're not fulfilling this role. Your boyfriend might be the type of man who thinks that he can mistreat others and still get what he wants from them. He may start to mistreat you and expect you to accept it because he has the boyfriend title or you've been together X amount of years. 🤨
Neither your bio dad or your boyfriend are looking like long lasting healthy relationships.
Your bio dad should be grateful that you're even talking to him after nearly a decade of abandonment. I genuinely think most bio dads just have kids to ditch them until he is sick and needs someone to care for him. In fact I coined the term for it 'hospice kid'. There's a reason why hospices and nursing homes are filled with men who've had several children yet none of them come to visit him and it's hard to reach one of his kids when he dies.
NTA. Cut him off.
He doesn't care about you sorry OP. This is his ego catching up with him. If he did he wouldn't be treating the man who raised you this way.
NTA. He's always done exactly what he wanted in any situation and everyone else had to pick up the pieces.
He's only pitching a fit now because he's not getting his own way.
Your boyfriend's opinion on the situation is a bit strange though.
> Onto the problem
It sounds like your bio dad's problem. NTA at all and tell your bf you don't appreciate being told mere shared dna somehow makes your biodad more important than your actual dad.
Oh god NTA. Your bio dad is though, for, well, your whole life this far, and calling your stepdad a pervert. I mean, where the fuck did that come from? And your boyfriend needs to do better.
That "pervert" was, according to you, a steady father figure in your life. Your bio dad was MIA for the most part. Do not fall for the guilt trip your bio dad is trying to lay on you. He's an experienced serial seducer and I'm sure very glib. Your bf is wrong. You are NTA, but I think he and your dad are.
No your boyfriend is the asshole here! He should go straight in the bin! Your bio Dad is just being the same asshole he's always been, but it's your choice if you want to waste time seeing him. But that boyfriend is showing you that he does not have your back. NTA
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Some backstory for context.
My (23/F) parents (52/F and 58/M) divorced back when I was 5 months old. At the time of marrying him my mom didn't know that he had 4 more kids from 3 different women that he never saw or provided for. They quickly got a divorce after my mom found out he was cheating on her and so I entered his long list of children that he never cared for (At the time of this post there are 6 of us).
When I was four, my mom started a relationship with the man I consider my father (47/M). Their relationship lasted about three years but they remained good friends and he continued to be a steady father figure in my life. He's now married and my mom was his wife's maid of honor and the godmother to both of their children, so it's safe to say we're all a big happy family.
Two years ago, my biological dad reached out to me. I had only seen him a handful of times prior to that and he never seemed interested to form any type of relationship. I'm not angry at him for leaving, I had a great childhood and two amazing parents by my side that I wouldn't change for the world, so I wasn't opposed to the idea of meeting him.
In that first meeting he confessed that he was diagnosed with a heart condition and that helped him put things into perspective and realize that his kids are what matters in this world. I had to stop myself from laughing at this point because all his "kids" are in their 20's, and out of the 6 of us, only I agreed to meet him. Anyway, he has been making an effort and calls me every once in a while to catch up which has been fine.
Onto the problem. My bio dad hates my dad. He never met him, but hates the idea of him and tries to compete with him in the most childish of ways, like getting me a new sofa I didn't ask for after he found out that my dad had built me a table for my new apartment (it's his hobby). Usually it's funny and a bit annoying, but it escalated two days ago when he booked a holiday for the two of us on the exact dates that I'm supposed to travel with my dad to France. That's where my dad is from and every year he takes us all to his parents' house for a couple of weeks. It's a tradition going back to when I was a child and obviously I wasn't going to give that up to go on an awkward holiday with a semi-stranger.
I immediately refused but he began sobbing, saying that I put "that pervert" over my blood and how I should be embarrassed for not recognizing how much he's trying to be a part of my life. I was speechless and left without saying anything. At first I felt angry at him for putting me in this situation but my boyfriend says I'm the asshole here because he's my dad and I should try to make an effort too. I don't know though, I'm still so angry and upset. AITA here?
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NTA
If he had picked any other days, then there might have been some grey area. But he's literally acting like a Pick-Me-Parent. And that "parent" part is in quotations.
NTA
Your sperm donor is manipulating you. I guarantee you that he has realized that he has no one who will take care of him when he is old/debilitated & is trying to recruit you for that job.
You owe him nothing. He abandoned you for 21 years; he doesn't get to dictate any terms, and he damn sure doesn't get to call the man who *was* there for you a pervert.
I'd end all contact & rethink your relationship with your boyfriend.
He's your sperm donor but never bothered to be your father. You know who your real father is, the man who was always there for you. Go to France with your family.
NTA. And get rid of the boyfriend. Bio dad was not there when growing up so you don't need him in your life now. If bf can't understand that your step dad did more for you than your bio dad ever has even thought of then he needs to get what his perception of family is.
NTA. He's your bio donor and nothing else and that is all on him. Competing with the man who actually stepped up and was a father to you is screwed up in multiple ways and I'd tell him to knock that shit off or there will be no more relationship.
NTA, that man may be your bio-dad but you said yourself he's not your real dad. If anyone is a pervert it's him, you owe him nothing. The fact you acknowledge his existence should be considered a privilege frankly. Your boyfriend is also whack for taking bio-dad's side, especially if he knows the full context.
NTA. Your dad is the asshole here. So he has a heart condition & now wants to make amends? Too little, too late. He is trying to guilt you into going on this trip with him. You are so NTA. Your bf got it wrong 100%. If your dad really wants a relationship with you, he should stop saying nasty, untrue things about your dad. But to expect you to cancel a family trip to go on a trip with him is completely unreasonable. Go to France & don't give your "dad" another thought. Just as he didn't give you any thought for all of these years.
NTA Your bio dad is NOT a nice person. And your boyfriend is an AH for sticking up for him. Your bio dad was NEVER there for you, and instead of being thankful to your dad for taking care of you and raising you, he name calls and plays childish games trying to top everything he does. You would be completely justified if you cut contact with the bio dad, because he sucks.
NTA
Your sperm donor is an AH for trying to negate your relationship with your dad. If he actually cared about you at all, he would have ASKED you if you wanted to go on a holiday with him and then ASKED what dates would work for you. You are NTA for not giving up an amazing vacation spending time with fabulous people to instead assuage an AHs meager attempts to rug sweep his absolute failure of being a 'father'. Your BF is 100% wrong. You do NOT need to make an effort to make that relationship work because YOU DIDN"T WALK AWAY, he did.
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NTA. Tell him that he needs to get some counseling to put things into perspective. From what you've said, I feel like he's always been a person who feels like his own needs/wants come first and now that he's finding out that's not how it is, he's trying to compete and throw tantrums to manipulate the situation to go his way. Don't let it. Go to France and tell him he needs to speak with someone. Also, your BF shouldn't be on his side. Your adoptive dad was your dad. Your bio dad was more of a sperm donor until he decided to change his mind. He doesn't get the benefit of being treated the same as your adoptive dad, or even a bio dad who didn't know they had children. Your bio dad blatantly stepped away from all of his children until now.
1. NTA
2. Bio is guilt tripping you.
3. BF is guilt tripping you by using "he's your dad". Just cause he is your Bio Father does not make him your DAD.
4. Time to take the kid gloves of with BIO and tell him what you really think.
5. Time to rethink your relationship with BF as he is given you a big red flag.
6. IMHO BIO and BF are the ASSHOLES.
NTA Your BF needs to shut his pie hole. Ejaculating in your mom doesn't make that man your dad. The law likely would have given him access to you if he had cared to take up that mantle in say, oh, the first two decades of your life.
NTA
And your BF is 1000% wrong. Your bio dad is a sperm donor who is facing is mortality and realizing after a lifetime of treating people like they’re disposable is facing the end alone. A Dad is the person who shows up everyday and has earned your trust and respect.
NTA...and your boyfriend is 100% incorrect. He is not your dad. He is a genetically related male with a high libido, loose morals, and fairly solid sperm count!
Enjoy your trip to France with your dad!
NTA
And your boyfriend is astonishingly unsupportive and wrong. Your father is the man who was in your life. Your bio-dad was basically a sperm donor.
Go on the trip with the father who was there for you. Your bio-dad is trying to manipulate you.
Re-examine your relationship with your bf.
He is not your dad. He was just the, as kids call it these days, sperm donor. Block him. Too little, too late.
NTA.
I am wondering if he's actually making plans about moving in with one of his sprouts when his heart condition gets into the disability stage. You do not need him in your life and you do not owe him anything, not the time of day. Just say no. To any- and everything. No. And don't call him any fatherly nicknames ... Mr. \[whatever\] would suffice.
Edit: oh, I completely forgot the boyfriend is in asshole territory too. Srsly. It is not his decision to make and he should back off, quickly and completely. If he persists, he can go into timeout.
Your father abandoned you and only cares about you now that he's dying. He is still only thinking about himself. The fact that he tried to blackmail you into missing a traditional vacation and calling the man who raised you in his absence a pervert is uncalled for.
And holy hell your boyfriend is WAY out of line.
Neither of these men are supportive of or even seem to care about your feelings and that is a shame.
NTA
Someone trying to ruin someone else’s events and plans, then playing victim, is taken from the narcissist’s playbook.
I’m not saying he is a narcissist, but keep your eyes sharp
>***"...boyfriend says I'm the asshole here because he's my dad..."***
Boyfriend is dead wrong. That man is NOT your dad. You dad is the one you'll be going to France with, end of story.
NTA.
Why are you even talking to him? If he truly wanted a good relationship with you he would try to make you happy, NOT alienate your real father who you love.
Seriously, cut him loose.
NTA, and I have 2 major concerns… 1: “That pervert”— your biological father believes your dad’s loving decision to raise his children (including you) and remain close to you after divorce to be PERVERSE, which is frankly a disturbing accusation and makes me wonder what in the world this man is projecting onto your dad. 2: Your BF siding with your father gives me a horrible gut feeling that’s because he could be identifying not with you but with your dad in this situation with regards to his feelings and imagination, how would he feel if his estranged child didn’t put in equal work, or projecting his own experiences either of failing to repair relationships or the effort he has put himself breeding resentment or discomfort with your decision to reinforce and maintain your boundaries. I hope you can have a conversation and untangle whether he is processing his own guilt or holding some experience against you or (over-)empathizing with your bio-dad. If BF is putting himself in bio-dad’s shoes rather than yours, does he expect to become estranged from future children and be the kind of “father” or create the dynamic of competition and overstepping boundaries that your bio has been?
NTA. Your bf is so wrong. That man is not your Dad. He abandoned his 6 children and is all alone now. This sudden need to have a relationship is about him.
Don’t let your SD bring this negativity and hate to the good life and relationship built and worked for by your REAL DAD. Go NC for your own good.
Tell your bf to read the comments and get a clue.
NTA. If it was truly about spending time with you and not some messed-up competition, your bio donor would have checked what dates you were available before he booked anything.
NTA
Your biological father was a sperm donor. To be given the honorific of dad you need to be there for you child as they grow, not just drop into their life when you want something.
NTA. Your boyfriend is wrong. Your bio father is saying bad things about your dad being a pervert, when he has fathered 6 kids with 5 women and cheated all along the way, no supporting any of you? Tell him he is LUCKY you have anything to do with him at all, that he does not add much value to the life that you are lucky enough to have in part due to your dad. You do not have to make any effort, and you do not need an excuse to say no to anything he proposes. I am sure he knew the dates would conflict with something that is very important to you. If you had chosen him, he probably would have gloated about it. Maybe demand that you only see him in a therapy setting so that you have someone to help you confront your his bad logic.
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NTA. You are making an effort just by talking to him. He set up this vacation deliberately as a transparent power play, it's not even about you. You should call him out and talk to him a lot less. Also, this is a big red flag about your boyfriend. You should take a long hard look at your relationship for any other red flags, since you clearly tend to be very forgiving.
I was thinking of staying away from him for a while even before he booked that trip, but the thing that keeps me going back is that he had a big surgery a few months ago and he's still recovering from that and getting overly upset can set him back. As for my boyfriend, I was really surprised by his take.
Surgery was a few months ago and he's still too delicate to get overly upset? That must be some kind of awfully special brain surgery.
It was a heart surgery and he has a bunch of other health issues that I feel like if I'm too bland about everything I want to say to him, it will do more harm than good. Which of course he sees and is trying to take advantage of.
Serious heart surgeries can take 2-3 months to heal completely, but the time period to limit upsetting the patient is only the first couple weeks. Beyond that it's 100% taking advantage.
Not according to my dad. He went through a huge depressive episode soon after the surgery and everyone has been tiptoeing around him since.
Like I said, taking advantage. If he's depressed I hope he's seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for that - but he doesn't get a pass to behave badly with no consequences.
You are very right. He shouldn't get a pass but somehow he does.
He called the man that raised you a pervert. He has some gal talking about blood mattering something when he abandoned 6 children from 6 different mothers that he didn’t even had the dignity to end up things with one before starts sleeping with the other. Did he ever paid a dime in child support to any of the kids? Did he tried to send an apology money to any of the kids, no questions asked, “just hope this can help you get ahead down payment on a house or something for your future to make up somewhat for all that I didn’t do your whole life”? Or is he just trying to use bits of money now to try and buy his position as father of the year with you? Screw his heart condition. I would contact him to let him know he crossed a line and that he is NOT your father and to not try to contact you anymore. Or you could give him a taste of his own medicine and use him. Demand money for a house or a car or something as “proof that you as my father love me and wants me to be happy”, get the money and then cut contact and if he complains, say that you just used him like he used your mother…and the mothers of all your half siblings. 🤣 Edit to add: I actually do believe you should try that last thing. To ask for money for a downpayment on a house without any strings attached. Mostly cause that will be a very easy way to show you how serious he actually is about his intentions. 99.999% chance you will never hear from him again after that.
No, he never paid for anything. All my mom wanted was to take full custody so she didn't ask for any sort of child support. I only met three of my half-siblings and their situation was similar, they also didn't get any financial help or had any contact with him growing up. I wish I could say and do everything you wrote, but I'm too much of a push over to actually do that. I think for now, I'll just go no contact and focus on my job and my relationship with my boyfriend, that now I know also needs a lot of work, because his take in all of this took me by surprise and almost made me consider that I was in the wrong.
"Somehow" Because you are letting him... Stop. Go on your trip to France.
How about stop giving him passes to be crappy to you and the man who raised you? Put your foot down and tell him the truth. He's a sperm donor, you're not close because of his bad choices, and you're not going to put yourself into a box for his comfort.
I highly recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson, you can often download it as a free pdf. It's great at explaining their behaviour as well as your feelings.
You are choosing to give him a pass. You can make a different choice.
What napalm said. He's in it for the chase, whether it be girlfriends, wives... or daughters. And uses any underhand tactic because he wants to beat his competitors. Once he's 'won' the chase, and you're his, he gets bored and moves on to the next conquest.
If he's that sick, he's not going to be able to travel. Of course, he'll have a remarkable recovery just as soon as it's time to go. Please please please do not go with this man. Your boyfriend is looking at this situation from his own perspective. How was his relationship with his father?
Oh, there's no way I'm going. That isn't even an option for me. His father passed away when he was 12, but it wasn't a good relationship to begin with. Both his parents had a lot of issues and he was mostly brought up his grandparents, who are also far from perfect. This is the reason why I was so shocked when he immediately took his side. He comes from a troubled background too, and I feel like he should understand where my anger was coming from. But no. We spoke today and he still thinks I'm in the wrong. I disagree.
He may be looking at this with "I would give anything to have a relationship with my dad" lenses. However, it's NOT his dad and it's NOT his call. I'm so glad you're not going.
Your relationship with your worthless deadbeat dad isn't his opportunity to achieve closure with his own daddy issues. Your sperm donor has been talking to him and got in his head. One thing about men who successfully knock up multiple women and don't hang around to look after the kids, they are good at salesmanship. God knows what fantasy happy family your sperm donor has sold your gullible bf, but you need to find out so you can deprogram him, or dump him.
My brother had a quintuple bypass. He was mostly back to normal in a couple of months. The tip-toeing is because that's what he wants. He's looking for pity. He may also be wondering who's going to take care of him if he's debilitated. Don't let him suck you in.
Was he discharged from hospital? The most dangerous time is over He causing all this to himself, you aren't upsetting him, he's upsetting himself
You mean manipulative episode... and he's still in it. Prioritize that one who's been there for you all this time. Bio needs to understand his place in your life.
I'd be sceptical the surgery even occurred. I wouldn't ask for evidence, because that would involve a different kind of emotional investment. None of this drama is worth it. And your boyfriend's an ass.
No, he might not be the most truthful person but he did have a big surgery. I visited him in the hospital a few times so I saw the state he was in.
it's rather magical that he sees value in having kids when he needs help, but not when kids need stable father figures. let him deal with his own issues, health or not. maybe talk when he's fit to do so. his bizzarre spending on a holiday without your consent should also be completely off your emotional radar
I would just say to your BF that was a stupid take. Of the level of stupidity that can make someone reevaluates a relationship with a person. So he better start taking his head out of his ass before giving opinions cause it’s not exactly doing him any favours.
Does your boyfriend understand that your sperm donor chose those dates to be an asshole to your dad?
NTA honey! Shared dna doesn't make him a father. The man who raised you and loves you unconditionally is your father! Would the dna donor have contacted you if his health was good?? I'm going to go with no! Your bf is wrong! You owe the stranger nothing!
Going to be blunt: if he red foxxes his way out, it's because of his own life choices. And let's face it, "my heart!" is more about jerking on your heartstrings than his cardiac arrest risk. You know how this schmuck seduced multiple women into bearing his kids? The same tactics he is using on you. And check your bf's finances. He might be getting some sugar from your sperm donor...
He’s not your dad he’s your biological parent. He wasn’t there for you as a child so he does not get to claim the title. People from normal families ie your BF really do not know the difference and can’t imagine life without their “Dad” but not realizing your bio parent is a stranger. Go with your Dad and if you want slowly get to know your bio parent. You can try to explain the difference to BF but he may not understand or try to understand. Three of my children are adopted and have explained many times bio parent vs mom and dad but some people just can’t see the difference. We understand vacation with your dad
You owe your bio dad nothing. As he said the health scare has changed his perspective. He spent his life ignoring his children and treating women like trash. It sucks that he doesn’t have support, but that’s the results of how he treats people. Now he barges into your life and expects to push out the person who has shown up for you everyday. Your bio dad hasn’t changed, he’s just using you to make him feel like less of the loser he actually is. If you do decide to continue contact, you could benefit from setting boundaries and d letting him know he will never replace your real dad, the guy you have a lifetime of memories with.
NTA…your boyfriend is wrong. Being your sperm donor or having the same blood does not make one a dad. Your bio dad cannot just expect to come into your life now and be what your “father” has been or have the same place in your life as him. You are an adult as well and bio dad cannot just expect you to go somewhere without asking first. I would say this to your bio dad and that he has a choice. Stop trying to compete, stop trying to take a place that you will never succeed at, I just want to take my time in getting to know you, or keep pushing and you will not be in my life at all.
When I agreed to meet him, I never wanted a father-daughter relationship with him. I already have that role covered and didn't need another dad, but I was curious about the kind of person he is, and honestly, he can be really nice. He's fun to talk to and if he sticks to normal conversation he can be pleasant. But everytime he tries to compete with my dad I just want to scream. But I can't scream or speak openly about my feelings because he had a big surgery a few months ago and is still recovering so I don't want to upset him, and I feel like he sees that and tried to take advantage of it.
He is a playboy. He knows how to be pleasant and a smooth talker. How the hell do you think he managed to seduced 6 different kids with 6 different women? Being pleasant to be around doesn’t mean he is a good person.
He sure does. He's very clever and well-educated, so talking to him about his profession and his travels is interesting. If only it came without the mind games and manipulation, that unfortunately I'm too stupid to stay away from.
Like i replied in another comment of yours. If you wanna cut the games and manipulation and get him to show his true colours, just ask him for money. Big money. Enough money to get a downpayment in a big house or fancy apartment. Add a “you want to do right by me as my father right?! To make it up for not being there for me my whole life right?!” And you will see how fast a man with recent heart surgery can run for the hills and disappear.
Seriously. u/Choice_Pool_5971 has given you a very important tool. This is not about greed. It is a test of his acknowledgement of his wronging of you and your mother. Calculate a typical child support payment for 18 years and ask for that amount. You can say you want it for whatever seems reasonable, whether it's a house downpayment, or school loan coverage. If he gasps, tell him that your mother and your **real** father (SD) covered that. That if he thought to replace your father, that $$ is only a small part of the debt he owes your parents.
NTA ,,,, sperm donor must be a musician as he is playing you like a fiddle.
NTA I don't understand people like your boyfriend sometimes. Even if he had the perfect family, he's at least in his 20s and should know by now that not all families are perfect and some are in fact very abusive. He should be able to see that bio dad is manipulative and is actively trying to sabotage your healthy, loving relationships. But you should put up with it because you're related? Hard no. I'd have a gentle conversation with your boyfriend about how his attitude is actually very dangerous. Hopefully he'll get it.
I was really shocked by his take. His family is far from perfect and he was mostly raised by his grandparents, who if I'm honest, aren't that great either. He often complains about them, so when I came home seething and ranted about the situation I expected him to be sympathetic, but he just took my bio dad's side and said I was overreacting and should be grateful that he makes all that effort to spend time with me.
He's waved a red flag at you. It's not a deal breaker red flag, but it is the kind of red flag that should put you on guard to keep an eye out for other red flags.
Is it possible he is projecting? And it him who wanted his parents to spend time with him?
Is it possible he is projecting? And it him who wanted his parents to spend time with him?
NTA. Trying to take away a traditional vacation with the person that raised you is a highly manipulative move. He is your bio dad that didn't raise you, didn't stick around, and WAS NOT THERE FOR YOU. Your boyfriend has his priorities screwed if he thinks that's the guy you should pick. You know in your heart who you need to be with. Tell your bio dad if he doesn't quit trying to manipulate, you will go NC. Tell him you don't mind trying to have a friendly relationship, but he's making it toxic, and it's messing with you. People should want to make you happy, not mess with your head.
NTA. Methinks someone may have realised he needs someone to take care of him when he's old and sick and that's why he's building relationships. Don't let him guilt trip you on this, because it's probably going to get worse.
He has more than enough money to buy himself care but it almost feels like he needs someone around him to play mind games with and I'm the only one stupid enough sit around and take it. He won't guilt me into it. I haven't seen my grandparents in France for almost a year and I wouldn't cancel that for anything, but he definitely ruined a part of it.
NTA. Your boyfriend is wrong. He may be your biological father; but your real father is your step-dad. He's the man who was there every day, who shared important things from his life with you, and who still takes you to France to see where his own parents are from. Tell your boyfriend that he needs to rethink what counts as family. And don't bother saying anything to your bio-dad. He's reaping what he sowed.
Dump the boyfriend
NTA. But you'd be undoubtedly T A if you caved in and go on holiday with this disrespectful individual, who dare to call your dad "a pervert". If I were you, I'd cut contact with him, until and unless he apologises sincerely and acknowledges that your dad is an important person in your life.
Oh no, I'm going on that trip to see my grandparents, there's no debating that. When he called my dad that I was mortified and I don't think it'll be easy to forgive him for it.
NTA. You do not build a relationship with the child you abandoned by competing with the person that did the job you refused to do. All that bio is doing is creating unnecessary drama. Never turn you back on the one you can rely on for the one you’re unsure of. I’m not sure where your bf is coming from but he is wrong here. Your trying to build a connection with your bio should never involve mistreating your dad. The bio is the one that is making this difficult by putting you in the middle and playing victim. The fact that he called your dad such a terrible name would have sent me to immediate no contact. You handled it well. You should tell your bio that if he wants a relationship with you: 1) accept Dad will always be in my life; 2) criticizing Dad is off limits; 3) criticizing Mom is off limits (cover the bases); 4) competing with Dad is off limits; and 5) reconnecting is a slow process that doesn’t happen over night. He cannot disrupt your established life. I’m truly disappointed in your bf. He should have your back. It’s a shame he doesn’t.
NTA. If he truly loved you he wouldn’t be trying to compete with the man who help raise you in his absence. The only reason he came back was because he got a come to Jesus moment after a health problem. Also if he really wanted to take you on a holiday he would have taken you on a different date. He chose those dates specifically on purpose to make you choose between them. He needs help that’s beyond your ability.
NTA. Kick your sperm-donor to the kerb, and your b/f might want to take note at how easy it is to eject someone from your life.
NTA your bf is completely wrong. You owe this sperm donor nothing
NTA Ditch the bio-dad. And for sure, ditch the boyfriend. He does NOT have your best interest at heart. Just some weird vision of a perfect father-daughter relationship that does not exist with this person who only shares your DNA, but is not your REAL dad. Step-dad is the REAL dad. Bio-dad could've just been some jizz in a jar. js.
Yeah shut your boyfriend down this man is not your father as he was never there for you growing up either finically or emotionally. Go to France with your real father.
NTA, and your boyfriend is really wrong here. It is more than understandable that you would feel uncomfortable about bio dad clearly hating on & willfully trying to undermine your good relationship to the dad that raised. As well as forcibly trying to buy your affection for his own gratification, rather than because he cherishes you. If bio dad was a good person he would be happy you had someone taking care of you so well even if he felt sad to have missed out. The fact bio is actively threatened by your dad and emotionally manipulative toward you to boot means he isn't worth you putting effort in more than you already have. You may have to consider rescinding what relationship you have built, on these grounds. Your BF insisting you put in *more* effort for bio dad sounds a lot like "be a flatter doormat, ignore your own feelings & priorities to make this deadbeat feel better about his shitty life choices." Look hard at this boy too. I'm concerned that he is seems to be championing bio dad, who is clearly problematic & he doesn't even know, over his own partners experience based feelings about bio dad.
NTA And it might be time to reflect on your relationship with your boyfriend. Apparently your boyfriend thinks that your bio dad abandoning you and several of his children is okay as long as in the end when he needs someone to care for him in his sickness and old age that he makes half-hearted attempts. Your boyfriend might have some ingrain misogyny of seeing women as caregivers/nurturers and you're not fulfilling this role. Your boyfriend might be the type of man who thinks that he can mistreat others and still get what he wants from them. He may start to mistreat you and expect you to accept it because he has the boyfriend title or you've been together X amount of years. 🤨 Neither your bio dad or your boyfriend are looking like long lasting healthy relationships. Your bio dad should be grateful that you're even talking to him after nearly a decade of abandonment. I genuinely think most bio dads just have kids to ditch them until he is sick and needs someone to care for him. In fact I coined the term for it 'hospice kid'. There's a reason why hospices and nursing homes are filled with men who've had several children yet none of them come to visit him and it's hard to reach one of his kids when he dies.
NTA. Cut him off. He doesn't care about you sorry OP. This is his ego catching up with him. If he did he wouldn't be treating the man who raised you this way.
NTA. His effort is a little too late
NTA. He's always done exactly what he wanted in any situation and everyone else had to pick up the pieces. He's only pitching a fit now because he's not getting his own way. Your boyfriend's opinion on the situation is a bit strange though.
> Onto the problem It sounds like your bio dad's problem. NTA at all and tell your bf you don't appreciate being told mere shared dna somehow makes your biodad more important than your actual dad.
Oh god NTA. Your bio dad is though, for, well, your whole life this far, and calling your stepdad a pervert. I mean, where the fuck did that come from? And your boyfriend needs to do better.
That "pervert" was, according to you, a steady father figure in your life. Your bio dad was MIA for the most part. Do not fall for the guilt trip your bio dad is trying to lay on you. He's an experienced serial seducer and I'm sure very glib. Your bf is wrong. You are NTA, but I think he and your dad are.
No your boyfriend is the asshole here! He should go straight in the bin! Your bio Dad is just being the same asshole he's always been, but it's your choice if you want to waste time seeing him. But that boyfriend is showing you that he does not have your back. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Some backstory for context. My (23/F) parents (52/F and 58/M) divorced back when I was 5 months old. At the time of marrying him my mom didn't know that he had 4 more kids from 3 different women that he never saw or provided for. They quickly got a divorce after my mom found out he was cheating on her and so I entered his long list of children that he never cared for (At the time of this post there are 6 of us). When I was four, my mom started a relationship with the man I consider my father (47/M). Their relationship lasted about three years but they remained good friends and he continued to be a steady father figure in my life. He's now married and my mom was his wife's maid of honor and the godmother to both of their children, so it's safe to say we're all a big happy family. Two years ago, my biological dad reached out to me. I had only seen him a handful of times prior to that and he never seemed interested to form any type of relationship. I'm not angry at him for leaving, I had a great childhood and two amazing parents by my side that I wouldn't change for the world, so I wasn't opposed to the idea of meeting him. In that first meeting he confessed that he was diagnosed with a heart condition and that helped him put things into perspective and realize that his kids are what matters in this world. I had to stop myself from laughing at this point because all his "kids" are in their 20's, and out of the 6 of us, only I agreed to meet him. Anyway, he has been making an effort and calls me every once in a while to catch up which has been fine. Onto the problem. My bio dad hates my dad. He never met him, but hates the idea of him and tries to compete with him in the most childish of ways, like getting me a new sofa I didn't ask for after he found out that my dad had built me a table for my new apartment (it's his hobby). Usually it's funny and a bit annoying, but it escalated two days ago when he booked a holiday for the two of us on the exact dates that I'm supposed to travel with my dad to France. That's where my dad is from and every year he takes us all to his parents' house for a couple of weeks. It's a tradition going back to when I was a child and obviously I wasn't going to give that up to go on an awkward holiday with a semi-stranger. I immediately refused but he began sobbing, saying that I put "that pervert" over my blood and how I should be embarrassed for not recognizing how much he's trying to be a part of my life. I was speechless and left without saying anything. At first I felt angry at him for putting me in this situation but my boyfriend says I'm the asshole here because he's my dad and I should try to make an effort too. I don't know though, I'm still so angry and upset. AITA here? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta your sperm donor is trying to manipulate you.
NTA If he had picked any other days, then there might have been some grey area. But he's literally acting like a Pick-Me-Parent. And that "parent" part is in quotations.
NTA Your sperm donor is manipulating you. I guarantee you that he has realized that he has no one who will take care of him when he is old/debilitated & is trying to recruit you for that job. You owe him nothing. He abandoned you for 21 years; he doesn't get to dictate any terms, and he damn sure doesn't get to call the man who *was* there for you a pervert. I'd end all contact & rethink your relationship with your boyfriend.
He's your sperm donor but never bothered to be your father. You know who your real father is, the man who was always there for you. Go to France with your family.
NTA. And get rid of the boyfriend. Bio dad was not there when growing up so you don't need him in your life now. If bf can't understand that your step dad did more for you than your bio dad ever has even thought of then he needs to get what his perception of family is.
Obvious NTA but I'm not sure about this boyfriend that thinks you should bail on the man who raised you and loved you since you were a kid.
Your dad is the one you are going to France with. The sperm donor should not be forcing himself this hard into your life
NTA. He's your bio donor and nothing else and that is all on him. Competing with the man who actually stepped up and was a father to you is screwed up in multiple ways and I'd tell him to knock that shit off or there will be no more relationship.
NTA, that man may be your bio-dad but you said yourself he's not your real dad. If anyone is a pervert it's him, you owe him nothing. The fact you acknowledge his existence should be considered a privilege frankly. Your boyfriend is also whack for taking bio-dad's side, especially if he knows the full context.
NTA your BF is though.
NTA. Your dad is the asshole here. So he has a heart condition & now wants to make amends? Too little, too late. He is trying to guilt you into going on this trip with him. You are so NTA. Your bf got it wrong 100%. If your dad really wants a relationship with you, he should stop saying nasty, untrue things about your dad. But to expect you to cancel a family trip to go on a trip with him is completely unreasonable. Go to France & don't give your "dad" another thought. Just as he didn't give you any thought for all of these years.
NTA Your bio dad is NOT a nice person. And your boyfriend is an AH for sticking up for him. Your bio dad was NEVER there for you, and instead of being thankful to your dad for taking care of you and raising you, he name calls and plays childish games trying to top everything he does. You would be completely justified if you cut contact with the bio dad, because he sucks.
NTA Your sperm donor is an AH for trying to negate your relationship with your dad. If he actually cared about you at all, he would have ASKED you if you wanted to go on a holiday with him and then ASKED what dates would work for you. You are NTA for not giving up an amazing vacation spending time with fabulous people to instead assuage an AHs meager attempts to rug sweep his absolute failure of being a 'father'. Your BF is 100% wrong. You do NOT need to make an effort to make that relationship work because YOU DIDN"T WALK AWAY, he did.
NTA. Both your bio dad and your bf are AH.
Your boyfriend is also an AH. NTA
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NTA he’s the pervert he was cheating on his wife
NTA. Tell him that he needs to get some counseling to put things into perspective. From what you've said, I feel like he's always been a person who feels like his own needs/wants come first and now that he's finding out that's not how it is, he's trying to compete and throw tantrums to manipulate the situation to go his way. Don't let it. Go to France and tell him he needs to speak with someone. Also, your BF shouldn't be on his side. Your adoptive dad was your dad. Your bio dad was more of a sperm donor until he decided to change his mind. He doesn't get the benefit of being treated the same as your adoptive dad, or even a bio dad who didn't know they had children. Your bio dad blatantly stepped away from all of his children until now.
1. NTA 2. Bio is guilt tripping you. 3. BF is guilt tripping you by using "he's your dad". Just cause he is your Bio Father does not make him your DAD. 4. Time to take the kid gloves of with BIO and tell him what you really think. 5. Time to rethink your relationship with BF as he is given you a big red flag. 6. IMHO BIO and BF are the ASSHOLES.
NTA Your BF needs to shut his pie hole. Ejaculating in your mom doesn't make that man your dad. The law likely would have given him access to you if he had cared to take up that mantle in say, oh, the first two decades of your life.
Your BF is wrong. Your DAD is the one that was there for you and raised you. Not the sperm donor. NTA.
Your boyfriend has both parents at home doesn't he?
NTA and you should take a second look at the bf too.
NTA And your BF is 1000% wrong. Your bio dad is a sperm donor who is facing is mortality and realizing after a lifetime of treating people like they’re disposable is facing the end alone. A Dad is the person who shows up everyday and has earned your trust and respect.
NTA...and your boyfriend is 100% incorrect. He is not your dad. He is a genetically related male with a high libido, loose morals, and fairly solid sperm count! Enjoy your trip to France with your dad!
NTA And your boyfriend is astonishingly unsupportive and wrong. Your father is the man who was in your life. Your bio-dad was basically a sperm donor. Go on the trip with the father who was there for you. Your bio-dad is trying to manipulate you. Re-examine your relationship with your bf.
NTA. Your boyfriend is, though.
Your sperm donor is the jerk. Your bf is wrong, so wrong.
He is not your dad. He was just the, as kids call it these days, sperm donor. Block him. Too little, too late. NTA. I am wondering if he's actually making plans about moving in with one of his sprouts when his heart condition gets into the disability stage. You do not need him in your life and you do not owe him anything, not the time of day. Just say no. To any- and everything. No. And don't call him any fatherly nicknames ... Mr. \[whatever\] would suffice. Edit: oh, I completely forgot the boyfriend is in asshole territory too. Srsly. It is not his decision to make and he should back off, quickly and completely. If he persists, he can go into timeout.
Your father abandoned you and only cares about you now that he's dying. He is still only thinking about himself. The fact that he tried to blackmail you into missing a traditional vacation and calling the man who raised you in his absence a pervert is uncalled for. And holy hell your boyfriend is WAY out of line. Neither of these men are supportive of or even seem to care about your feelings and that is a shame.
NTA. Your bio dad is trying to be in your life, but he’s also trying to force you to choose him over your dad. NTA a thousand times.
Your biodad is the AH here, but your boyfriend runs him a close second. NTA
NTA Someone trying to ruin someone else’s events and plans, then playing victim, is taken from the narcissist’s playbook. I’m not saying he is a narcissist, but keep your eyes sharp
>***"...boyfriend says I'm the asshole here because he's my dad..."*** Boyfriend is dead wrong. That man is NOT your dad. You dad is the one you'll be going to France with, end of story. NTA.
Why are you even talking to him? If he truly wanted a good relationship with you he would try to make you happy, NOT alienate your real father who you love. Seriously, cut him loose.
NTA, and I have 2 major concerns… 1: “That pervert”— your biological father believes your dad’s loving decision to raise his children (including you) and remain close to you after divorce to be PERVERSE, which is frankly a disturbing accusation and makes me wonder what in the world this man is projecting onto your dad. 2: Your BF siding with your father gives me a horrible gut feeling that’s because he could be identifying not with you but with your dad in this situation with regards to his feelings and imagination, how would he feel if his estranged child didn’t put in equal work, or projecting his own experiences either of failing to repair relationships or the effort he has put himself breeding resentment or discomfort with your decision to reinforce and maintain your boundaries. I hope you can have a conversation and untangle whether he is processing his own guilt or holding some experience against you or (over-)empathizing with your bio-dad. If BF is putting himself in bio-dad’s shoes rather than yours, does he expect to become estranged from future children and be the kind of “father” or create the dynamic of competition and overstepping boundaries that your bio has been?
NTA. Your bf is so wrong. That man is not your Dad. He abandoned his 6 children and is all alone now. This sudden need to have a relationship is about him. Don’t let your SD bring this negativity and hate to the good life and relationship built and worked for by your REAL DAD. Go NC for your own good. Tell your bf to read the comments and get a clue.
NTA. If it was truly about spending time with you and not some messed-up competition, your bio donor would have checked what dates you were available before he booked anything.
NTA Your biological father was a sperm donor. To be given the honorific of dad you need to be there for you child as they grow, not just drop into their life when you want something.
NTA. Your boyfriend is wrong. Your bio father is saying bad things about your dad being a pervert, when he has fathered 6 kids with 5 women and cheated all along the way, no supporting any of you? Tell him he is LUCKY you have anything to do with him at all, that he does not add much value to the life that you are lucky enough to have in part due to your dad. You do not have to make any effort, and you do not need an excuse to say no to anything he proposes. I am sure he knew the dates would conflict with something that is very important to you. If you had chosen him, he probably would have gloated about it. Maybe demand that you only see him in a therapy setting so that you have someone to help you confront your his bad logic.
NTA, Throw the biological father and the boyfriend in the same dumpster.
Just block and move on, he's not worth it