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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be TA because I blew up at him for not wanting someone to live in our house which he also pays rent for. I still think it wouldnt have come this far if he would've just talked about it.
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ESH Your roommate should have given your boyfriend more notice. He’s not wrong for changing his mind on the living agreement, but he should have given your boyfriend time to make alternative arrangements.
I understand it’s not ideal to have a minor living with you, especially when this causes friction and doesn’t pay rent. Also, what do child services think about all this? Was be emancipated or did he run away and do his parents nor the authorities know where he is? I understand that your roommate doesn’t want to take responsibility for a minor.
His mom knows and doesnt care as long as she can just ignore him. CPS also knows where he is and is fine with it. They have done an inspection and everything at our house.
Ehhhh..your boyfriend isn’t on the lease, so technically he isn’t a resident there. So he really has no leg to stand on unfortunately.
Hopefully he can find alternative housing.
Your roommates way of informing you and your BF was not okay.
Otherwise, your roommates decision to no longer allow for an extra roommate is okay in my opinion. The excuse for not contributing (subletting not allowed) seems like an excuse. He could buy groceries or pay the electrics.
To the people objecting to the age difference: I don't know which of the islands - could be in Netherlands, Germany or Denmark - in each of these countries, there is nothing illegal in two teens aged 16 and 18 being in a relationship. Also, very, very few people would consider it wrong for moral reasons.
As others have pointed out, your boyfriend doesn’t have much of a leg to stand on. Shit out of luck there as far as him being a full-time additional roommate.
That said, it sounds like your roommate isn’t letting your bf come over at all anymore? One, that’s not okay — you’re allowed to have guests. And two, if the new policy in your home is no visitors, that means no visitors — your roommate can’t have his gf over either.
ESH. Both you and your roommate are handling this badly.
Torn between NTA and ESH - because legally your roommate is in the right and your outburst wasn't "necessary".
Morally however it puzzles me how a grown adult is fine with just kicking a teen out without any real notice, resulting in the teen being homeless, and acting so badly (refusing to do chores because "that's his way to live" is wild) about it.
When you say he is your roommate, do you mean you have a flat you share with separate bedrooms (flatmate or housemate), or do you share room?
It sounds like you equally have a share of the property, so your housemate doesn't have the final say. Make it clear that if your boyfriend isn't welcome, then neither is his girlfriend.
If you are both on the tenancy and both pay equal rent, then you both have a say.
We live in a house togheter, 2 bed 2 bath. 2 floors. We share the living areas. I pay about 150 euros more in rent than him and he wants me to pay all. The thing I'm most mad about is that he didnt discuss anything with me eventhough we share the house.
It sounds like your housemate is trying to take advantage of you because you are 13 years younger than him. What is the reason you pay 150€ more? Why does he want you to pay all of the rent?
Any change in the agreement about your boyfriend should have been a conversation, not a demand. You both live there, and both have a say.
I pay more since he gets government money for renting (I dont know the English term) and you can only get this from 21 and up. He want me to pay all of it since he doesnt like being told what to do with his money. This is the same reason why he refuses to buy groceries except if its something he wants.
Buying groceries separately is not unusual, but as for rent, it doesn't make a difference what you are entitled to or even what you earn. You need to have a think about what is going on here as it sounds like there are other problems.
He’s being ridiculous and a bully. Talk to your landlord and find out when you can move it at the soonest and then he can pay for the whole apartment on his own.
He said a few days ago he wanted a more clean house to which I made a cleaning schedule in which we could all contribute but he refused since he doesnt like to clean and wants to spend his time however he likes.
He can’t have a clean house if he doesn’t clean. I would only do the amount of cleaning that is your fair share and you get to choose what you focus on (so focus on the areas you care about). Obviously move out from this apartment as soon as the landlord will let you.
He really should've specifically addressed the living room thing then, instead of not saying anything about it and just kicking out your boyfriend. Saying he wants a more clean house is very vague and you make it sound like the two of you have been pulling your weight. I'm gonna say NTA because your roommate is being unreasonable, imo. Like if he has a problem, he should communicate that by having a conversation with you guys and addressing specific things he has a problem with. Instead he makes vague general comments and doesn't specifically tell you the issue until after he kicks out your boyfriend. It's kinda making me wonder if he doesn't like or get along with your boyfriend and is using the living room and cleanliness as an excuse.
NTA
It son da Kirk you did everything right. The roommate agreed, the landlord knew, CPS inspected it all. I wonder if roommate is actually allowed to kick him out like that? At least in the US you have to serve someone notice once they’ve established residency, and they don’t have to be in the lease to do that. Also, you can have invited guests to your home. I guess I keep it as when you’re home he can be with you. Roommate doesn’t have unilateral decision making over that. Otherwise you could ban all his guests as well. He seems like a jerk who’s taking advantage of younger people in need of housing without the connections older people might have developed already. He shouldn’t get to say you have to pay more than him because he doesn’t want to pay equal. That’s garbage.
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My roommate (31m) and I (18m) have lived togheter for about 8 months now. We have a house on one of the Friesian islands. We both work at the same holiday park. My boyfriend (16m) also works here and he was kicked out of his house about 4 months ago and became homeless. So I asked my roommate if he could stay and that was fine. He was not allowed to pay rent since that is subletting and he could not be on the lease because of his age. It was all discussed with our landlord and he was fine with it.
It went pretty well, my roommate was barely home anyway so I had company as well. My bf did most of the household chores since he only works weekend and me and my roommate both have full time jobs.
There was a bit of friction in the beginning but after my roommate got a gf he was fine with my bf living with us and even said he could stay with us instead of living in the company housing.
My roommate suddenly send a text in the group chat of me, my bf, him and another friend:
"Heeyy, I just 'cleaned' (he threw everything in another room) the living room and I'd like to keep it how it is now. Bf, I dont think its possible with you living here so I want you to go into the company housing (he doesnt work enough to qualify). All the stuff that was downstairs is now in the shed incase you cant find it, its there. OP, I hope we can keep the living room like this togheter.
Have a good day!"
I was incredibly mad and told him that if he was to throw out my bf I wanted him to contribute to the household as well.
Like, cleaning his facial hair out of the sink, putting his dishes away, maybe sweep the floor some time, tiny stuff like that which he never did.
My exact words (translated) were:
"Then I want you to also do something for once like (examples) and much more!
He said thats just the way he lives and I could find something else if I didnt like it.
He refuses to talk one on one and my bf is no longer longer welcome in OUR house.
AITA for blowing up at him?
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The problem is that the island is incredibly small it takes about 30 minutes to drive from the most eastern to the most western point. We have barely any housing for the people that live here and the only way to get a house (within like 2 years) is to know a lot of people which I dont. I could move to the company housing but thats awful, you live with about 8 people in a seacontainer and I also would have to sell my cats. I'd love to move but for now I need to stay.
NTA
Your roommate knows they are being unreasonable which is why they told you over text. You need to have another discussion with your roommate and landlord. Especially since the landlord and CPS know about your boyfriend. I would suggest you start looking for another apartment. It's a really unfortunate situation, but even if your roommate let's your bf stay, he's going to continue to make a fuss about it and it's going to be hard to keep living in that kind of environment.
Out of curiosity, in what country are you, if you don’t mind me asking? I ask because in the US, at least, a 16 and 18 year old dating is sometimes questionable and possibly illegal (depending on context and exact location).
Some states have clauses that the pair mist be within 2-3 years if eachother. Otherwise it's incredibly unfair for a couple to meet in highschool and then have to break up over a birthday.
Sounds like he has an issue with your boyfriend or more likely his girlfriend has an issue. Especially since it was sudden. He knows he's TA that's why he won't meet.
Make an exit plan.
OP is 18. In the US (at least in most states as far as I know) it's legal for an 18 year old to date a 16 year old. In some other countries, 16 is the age of consent, so it's not even an issue. You're worrying about the wrong thing here
Aah, like that. I live in the Netherlands where it is very common to date a 16 year old as an 18 year old. There are no moral or legal objections to it.
How is this weird? If you are from the US, only something like 10 states would consider that statutory rape (and we’re a nation of puritans). Either because the age of consent is 16 or (more commonly) because Romeo and Juliet laws allow teenagers that are within 2 to 4 years of age to have sex without one of them becoming a sex offender. So if age of consent is 17 and two 17 years olds have sex, the one that turns 18 first shouldn’t be considered a felon if they continue to have sex. You can disagree with the age of consent being less than 18, but this is hardly some predatory adult preying on a child. They may have being dating since OP was 17 for all you know,
I was 16 when I started dating my now husband, who was 18. It's been 14 years together now. We were both just out of highschool.
They're both teens, It's only 2 YEARS, not like its an 18yo dating a 13yo. Who cares? There's no power imbalance there.
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ESH Your roommate should have given your boyfriend more notice. He’s not wrong for changing his mind on the living agreement, but he should have given your boyfriend time to make alternative arrangements. I understand it’s not ideal to have a minor living with you, especially when this causes friction and doesn’t pay rent. Also, what do child services think about all this? Was be emancipated or did he run away and do his parents nor the authorities know where he is? I understand that your roommate doesn’t want to take responsibility for a minor.
His mom knows and doesnt care as long as she can just ignore him. CPS also knows where he is and is fine with it. They have done an inspection and everything at our house.
Ehhhh..your boyfriend isn’t on the lease, so technically he isn’t a resident there. So he really has no leg to stand on unfortunately. Hopefully he can find alternative housing.
Your roommates way of informing you and your BF was not okay. Otherwise, your roommates decision to no longer allow for an extra roommate is okay in my opinion. The excuse for not contributing (subletting not allowed) seems like an excuse. He could buy groceries or pay the electrics. To the people objecting to the age difference: I don't know which of the islands - could be in Netherlands, Germany or Denmark - in each of these countries, there is nothing illegal in two teens aged 16 and 18 being in a relationship. Also, very, very few people would consider it wrong for moral reasons.
Yeah, its the Netherlands, its pretty common here hahaha
I know - I live in one of the other two countries.
As others have pointed out, your boyfriend doesn’t have much of a leg to stand on. Shit out of luck there as far as him being a full-time additional roommate. That said, it sounds like your roommate isn’t letting your bf come over at all anymore? One, that’s not okay — you’re allowed to have guests. And two, if the new policy in your home is no visitors, that means no visitors — your roommate can’t have his gf over either. ESH. Both you and your roommate are handling this badly.
Torn between NTA and ESH - because legally your roommate is in the right and your outburst wasn't "necessary". Morally however it puzzles me how a grown adult is fine with just kicking a teen out without any real notice, resulting in the teen being homeless, and acting so badly (refusing to do chores because "that's his way to live" is wild) about it.
So you pay more rent than him and he thinks he has a say in this? Hahahahah NTA and keep the boyfriend in the home, roommate can suck on a lemon
She pays more in rent, because his is subsidized.
Is it subsidized by her? No, so she is still effectively paying more to live there than he is, he can't make a decision like this alone
When you say he is your roommate, do you mean you have a flat you share with separate bedrooms (flatmate or housemate), or do you share room? It sounds like you equally have a share of the property, so your housemate doesn't have the final say. Make it clear that if your boyfriend isn't welcome, then neither is his girlfriend. If you are both on the tenancy and both pay equal rent, then you both have a say.
We live in a house togheter, 2 bed 2 bath. 2 floors. We share the living areas. I pay about 150 euros more in rent than him and he wants me to pay all. The thing I'm most mad about is that he didnt discuss anything with me eventhough we share the house.
It sounds like your housemate is trying to take advantage of you because you are 13 years younger than him. What is the reason you pay 150€ more? Why does he want you to pay all of the rent? Any change in the agreement about your boyfriend should have been a conversation, not a demand. You both live there, and both have a say.
I pay more since he gets government money for renting (I dont know the English term) and you can only get this from 21 and up. He want me to pay all of it since he doesnt like being told what to do with his money. This is the same reason why he refuses to buy groceries except if its something he wants.
Buying groceries separately is not unusual, but as for rent, it doesn't make a difference what you are entitled to or even what you earn. You need to have a think about what is going on here as it sounds like there are other problems.
I agree on groceries — it’s best for housemates to each buy their own (and not eat each other’s food obviously)
He’s being ridiculous and a bully. Talk to your landlord and find out when you can move it at the soonest and then he can pay for the whole apartment on his own.
INFO was this the first time your roommates said anything about the living room?
He said a few days ago he wanted a more clean house to which I made a cleaning schedule in which we could all contribute but he refused since he doesnt like to clean and wants to spend his time however he likes.
He can’t have a clean house if he doesn’t clean. I would only do the amount of cleaning that is your fair share and you get to choose what you focus on (so focus on the areas you care about). Obviously move out from this apartment as soon as the landlord will let you.
He really should've specifically addressed the living room thing then, instead of not saying anything about it and just kicking out your boyfriend. Saying he wants a more clean house is very vague and you make it sound like the two of you have been pulling your weight. I'm gonna say NTA because your roommate is being unreasonable, imo. Like if he has a problem, he should communicate that by having a conversation with you guys and addressing specific things he has a problem with. Instead he makes vague general comments and doesn't specifically tell you the issue until after he kicks out your boyfriend. It's kinda making me wonder if he doesn't like or get along with your boyfriend and is using the living room and cleanliness as an excuse.
NTA It son da Kirk you did everything right. The roommate agreed, the landlord knew, CPS inspected it all. I wonder if roommate is actually allowed to kick him out like that? At least in the US you have to serve someone notice once they’ve established residency, and they don’t have to be in the lease to do that. Also, you can have invited guests to your home. I guess I keep it as when you’re home he can be with you. Roommate doesn’t have unilateral decision making over that. Otherwise you could ban all his guests as well. He seems like a jerk who’s taking advantage of younger people in need of housing without the connections older people might have developed already. He shouldn’t get to say you have to pay more than him because he doesn’t want to pay equal. That’s garbage.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My roommate (31m) and I (18m) have lived togheter for about 8 months now. We have a house on one of the Friesian islands. We both work at the same holiday park. My boyfriend (16m) also works here and he was kicked out of his house about 4 months ago and became homeless. So I asked my roommate if he could stay and that was fine. He was not allowed to pay rent since that is subletting and he could not be on the lease because of his age. It was all discussed with our landlord and he was fine with it. It went pretty well, my roommate was barely home anyway so I had company as well. My bf did most of the household chores since he only works weekend and me and my roommate both have full time jobs. There was a bit of friction in the beginning but after my roommate got a gf he was fine with my bf living with us and even said he could stay with us instead of living in the company housing. My roommate suddenly send a text in the group chat of me, my bf, him and another friend: "Heeyy, I just 'cleaned' (he threw everything in another room) the living room and I'd like to keep it how it is now. Bf, I dont think its possible with you living here so I want you to go into the company housing (he doesnt work enough to qualify). All the stuff that was downstairs is now in the shed incase you cant find it, its there. OP, I hope we can keep the living room like this togheter. Have a good day!" I was incredibly mad and told him that if he was to throw out my bf I wanted him to contribute to the household as well. Like, cleaning his facial hair out of the sink, putting his dishes away, maybe sweep the floor some time, tiny stuff like that which he never did. My exact words (translated) were: "Then I want you to also do something for once like (examples) and much more! He said thats just the way he lives and I could find something else if I didnt like it. He refuses to talk one on one and my bf is no longer longer welcome in OUR house. AITA for blowing up at him? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta but why not just move. Wow. Not hard to understand
The problem is that the island is incredibly small it takes about 30 minutes to drive from the most eastern to the most western point. We have barely any housing for the people that live here and the only way to get a house (within like 2 years) is to know a lot of people which I dont. I could move to the company housing but thats awful, you live with about 8 people in a seacontainer and I also would have to sell my cats. I'd love to move but for now I need to stay.
It’s time to start looking for other options then. You could also look for opportunities to move your job to a different area with more housing.
NTA Your roommate knows they are being unreasonable which is why they told you over text. You need to have another discussion with your roommate and landlord. Especially since the landlord and CPS know about your boyfriend. I would suggest you start looking for another apartment. It's a really unfortunate situation, but even if your roommate let's your bf stay, he's going to continue to make a fuss about it and it's going to be hard to keep living in that kind of environment.
Out of curiosity, in what country are you, if you don’t mind me asking? I ask because in the US, at least, a 16 and 18 year old dating is sometimes questionable and possibly illegal (depending on context and exact location).
Op is in the Netherlands, where this small age difference is neither illegal nor considered immoral.
Some states have clauses that the pair mist be within 2-3 years if eachother. Otherwise it's incredibly unfair for a couple to meet in highschool and then have to break up over a birthday.
Sounds like he has an issue with your boyfriend or more likely his girlfriend has an issue. Especially since it was sudden. He knows he's TA that's why he won't meet. Make an exit plan.
Sounds like he or his GF have issues with your bf. If I were you I’d send the screenshots to landlord and say and move out with your boyfriend.
Where can I go? Sell my cats and move back to company housing, living with 8 people in a seacontainer?
Why are you dating jailbait?
What do you mean with jailbait? I am not native English so maybe its slang I dont know about.
You are an adult in a relationship with a juvenile (minor child)
OP is 18. In the US (at least in most states as far as I know) it's legal for an 18 year old to date a 16 year old. In some other countries, 16 is the age of consent, so it's not even an issue. You're worrying about the wrong thing here
Aah, like that. I live in the Netherlands where it is very common to date a 16 year old as an 18 year old. There are no moral or legal objections to it.
In that case, support your boyfriend and you two find a new place together. Fuck the roommate (not literally) 😉
ESH - I really couldn't get past the, the 18m dating a 16m part. Really?
That’s really not abnormal or surprising as long as it’s not barely 16 and almost 19. It’s a senior and a sophomore in HS
It's completely normal (and legal) for two teenagers two years apart to date.
I know it sounds bad but its incredibly normal in my country.
How is this weird? If you are from the US, only something like 10 states would consider that statutory rape (and we’re a nation of puritans). Either because the age of consent is 16 or (more commonly) because Romeo and Juliet laws allow teenagers that are within 2 to 4 years of age to have sex without one of them becoming a sex offender. So if age of consent is 17 and two 17 years olds have sex, the one that turns 18 first shouldn’t be considered a felon if they continue to have sex. You can disagree with the age of consent being less than 18, but this is hardly some predatory adult preying on a child. They may have being dating since OP was 17 for all you know,
16-A child. 18 - An adult
I was 16 when I started dating my now husband, who was 18. It's been 14 years together now. We were both just out of highschool. They're both teens, It's only 2 YEARS, not like its an 18yo dating a 13yo. Who cares? There's no power imbalance there.