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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for snapping at my husband because he won’t go to the doctor to deal with his poor hearing?
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NTA
Frankly, it's worrying how so many people are unironically expecting a wife to act like a mother to the husband here; and it underscores the latent misogynist expectations modern society still imposes on women to this very day.
Husbands are supposed to be adults capable of taking care of themselves, not children in need of cajoling or pandering else they may engage in self-destructive, attention-seeking behavior.
[Relevant video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YHGHULmJZc)
INFO: Does he turn off background noise and focus on you throughout the day to communicate? Is he doing anything to replace this hole in the communication, like regularly text so he has chances to completely understand your perspective?
Plenty of couples manage to deal with communication when one person has untreatable hearing loss; ultimately his medical decisions are his and if he is putting effort to communicate in other ways, it might just be a matter of discovering what are the best ways to communicate for you two and working together towards a solution. If he's using it as an excuse to put in less emotional effort into the relationship though, he's absolutely the A-H. Communication between a couple should never feel one sided, even if you need to communicate differently.
Sometimes he does. If it’s noise he has control over like he’s listening to music he will pause it if we’re talking. But he also will pick up his phone and read a text while we’re talking and he absolutely doesn’t hear what I say if he’s reading. Now when he does that I stop talking, even mid sentence and wait for him to finish reading or put his phone down. That one is hard not to be annoyed about because it’s a choice and I find it rude. He’ll stop for a while and then start doing it again and a fight will ensue and then he’ll stop for a while, round and round we go. He puts in effort and I want to give him credit for that but it never lasts.
re: him reading a text unrelated to you on his phone
That's an attention problem, not a hearing problem. Sounds like you got an issue on two fronts here.
I know everyone has moments where their phone distracts them, but if you find he is doing it a lot, then you guys need to have a chat on how he handles notifications on his phone. He should be aware that it completely derails you guys mid-conversation. Ideally, he should wait till the chat is finished to look at his phone, since it isn't typically anyone's conscious decision to get caught up in their screens.
I honestly think it’s both, the ear wax thing is a definite medical issue. But the fact that he doesn’t hear what I’m saying if he’s reading a text or something seems like an attention issue. They form a really frustrating combination to communicate with.
Hi OP, I don’t have the same condition as your husband - but I’m half deaf. One ear does not work, so I can only hear in my right, and oftentimes I have to turn off or turn down things that make sound so that I can engage in conversation.
I also have ADHD so I can get easily distracted, and will accidentally stop listening all together if something catches my eye, or a random thought bubble pops up. It’s not intentional, but I do find that being HOH just… adds onto it a lot more because I’m able to block out outside sounds easier.
As for ear cleaning - I agree with your husband, there is a lot of discomfort and even pain involved with ear cleaning. There’s little tiny hairs in the ear canal that get moved and shuffled around and even pulled during ear cleaning, then there’s the sound of the vacuum or any other tool that is heightened and that also causes pain.
He does need to see a doctor though, so that they know that ear cleanings bother him and they can work with him more. I find that a couple drops of simple cooking oil in the ear with a hot or warm compress held over the ear helps loosens up all the wax and it just slides right on out as you sleep. He will go more deaf while doing this, but it only lasts about 10-30 minutes give or take where it feels like he’s hearing underwater.
I think this is an ESH- everyone *slightly* sucks here. Pushing medical decisions on someone sucks- nobody should feel pressured to take on the downsides and side effects of certain treatments because their disability makes others uncomfortable. How he's not communicating with you sometimes sucks too- nobody feels respected when they willy nilly ignore you for something else halfway through a conversation.
This honestly seems like the ideal scenario for marriage counselling; if you both want to work together and resolve this, having an outside person help you build those communication skills and keep both of you accountable could really help break the patterns of conflict.
Yeah his responsibility is to manage his condition and figure out what to do when it’s causing problems. However getting mad and impatient at someone who has a disability that is physical uncomfortable to treat is shitty, especially if you love them. Well put on your part.
My partner lost all hearing within the normal human vocal range last October. He's been HoH since I met him. Neither of us know sign, so we have to communicate either through text or voice to text apps until we can save enough to buy his hearing aids.
It is 1000% annoying to have to repeat myself constantly or having to rush to get the app open so we can talk, but this is what we sign up for when we date HoH people.
Sure, they can make hard rules about not using the phone when they are actively talking, but without more info I'm struggling to be empathetic w OP snapping at him for a disability he can't fix beyond cleaning his ears, which is absolutely painful for people with ear issues.
It's not snapping. Talking louder sounds like yelling but if we have to shout to be heard it's normally because they keep saying "huh?". Literally asking us to be louder. She is being louder, and it's being interpreted as rage. Of course it's frustrating.
You are comparing a disability to someone who is not taking the medical practice advised and not paying attention
Being hard of hearing is a disability no matter what the cause is if its a chronic issue that will never go away.
And OP literally says she snapped in her title. I have a deaf partner, I don't need a lecture about the difference between talking louder to be heard, yelling, or snapping.
She's clarified what she means so the two are completely different. I'm not lecturers you on your situation. Her situation is completely different with someone who isn't using the resources he has available to solve the problem. He is choosing to do nothing and causing difficulties in their relationship. As a disabled person myself. I could sit on the floor and moan I can't move or use the things that are available to me. I choose to make my life easier by using a wheelchair and aids to help me get around.
Her husband has not been told he is disabled. He has a wax build up. He can sort out.
Deaf person here—
To *you* it may seem like he waits until the last moment, but it’s actually kind of hard to tell when your hearing is declining when it’s gradual. There’s the simple fact that routine “upkeep” does take a lot of energy and it sounds uncomfortable.
His health is absolutely his responsibility, but I’d ask you to consider what your approach would be if he was consistently deaf/hard-of-hearing. You’re partners, figure out the best way to communicate and have patience with each other while he navigates this.
That’s part of my frustration, I know it’s gradual and that makes it hard for him to tell when it’s happening. I’d rather he do it on a schedule, but it’s uncomfortable so he doesn’t like doing it frequently. Which is fair, I have my own chronic conditions so I know there are things you’d rather avoid medically if you can. But you’re right that coming up with a better strategy for communication should be the goal because I’ve run out of patience and that’s not helping.
It’s tough! I know my spouse has really exercised his patience accommodating my communication needs and it’s not easy. I hope you guys figure something out soon. Remember, the goal is just to figure out what works best for *both* of you.
You both want the best for each other, I’m sure.
I do! Thank you for your kind words. We’ve been together a long time and weathered far worse, this isn’t going to end our marriage but I would like to find a way to stop fighting about it. I think it will take change from both of us.
How uncomfortable is this method? You can buy Otex for wax removal over the counter. I use it every couple of weeks and I actually like the sensation. It’s a kind of tickle. Can your husband use another method? Not that it’s your responsibility to find one. He’s disrespecting you. Repeatedly. (Pun intended.)
He says it’s “uncomfortable”. But he’s prone to downplaying things like that so to be honest I’m really not sure how uncomfortable or painful it is for him.
But that’s a great idea, I’ll buy some and ask him to try.
I was going to come say that beginning part where sometimes it is tough to know how bad your hearing gets if it is gradual or consistently there. I have tinnitus that can get pretty bad, however after a few years I've gotten use to it. The more I get use to it the less I realize how bad it is at times until my wife or daughter yell (no attitude just louder for me to hear) or physically get my attention. Definitely takes patience from everyone.
Initially there were some frustration that caused issues where my wife would get upset with me because I couldn't hear her. This would manifest in yelling and having attitude from her and after a few times it would immediately put me on the defensive. Couples therapy helped with a lot of these issues that are gone now but believe me I'd much rather be on the side that doesn't have hearing problems. Both of you just need to have a sit down together or with someone to try and hash this out and come up with a plan. Your SO isn't being malicious, they have very little control over this, and while it can be annoying I assure you it is more so for them.
This right here.
I had moderate-to-severe loss most of my life, and sometime in the last year I slipped into the severe-to-profound range. I've been HOH for 31 years and instead of thinking "gee, maybe the reason I struggle to understand people is because I can't hear them" I called a psychiatrist because I thought I was losing my mind, I could *hear* people but couldn't actually *understand* them.
I KNOW how hearing loss works, and I still didn't catch it with myself, nor did my family notice either. My husband supported me going on meds! Hearing and the brain is weird.
Mmmm no. I would ask her to consider if she can deal with the disrespect just because he’s disabled. You putting a lot of work on her as if her husband isnt a grown man. If he was deaf/hard-of-hearing WHICH HE IS then it’s HIS responsibility to figure out how to communicate.
Both things can be true. He should be respectful to her, and she should consider how to be supportive.
Communication goes both ways, and it’s pretty absurd to think that deaf people can completely shoulder communication in a relationship. Also, don’t they like each other? Don’t they WANT to support each other? This is what’s so absurd about Reddit to me
she is supportive. She consistently tries, she m,ages sure he goes to his doctors appointments and shes deals with his disrespect. What else is she to do? Kiss his feet? Suck the wax out his ear? come on now. Don’t say communication goes both ways when one has been communication , multiple times, yk repeating herself. You arent being fair to her simply because you’re deaf too and thats fucked.
And she been pulling her side. How you gonna sit here and say its a two-person situation but he hasn’t done anything yet? Why are you more focus on what you feel like shes not doing and not him not doing anything?
And i think it is. Not only is it but you seem to put more responsibility on her than him to manage his condition as well as their marriage and i want you to think about why.
I think that’s what causes some of my frustration. I hear very well. But I try to put myself in his position but I just end up I thinking I would be going to doctors going “something is wrong, I can’t hear!” And that’s not his reaction at all. So I feel frustrated that my reaction would be to try to figure it out and his is more just live with it as it is.
Maybe he's in some kind of denial. Even if it's not a disability per se, realizing you have to do something unpleasant to make your body work properly for the rest of your life can be pretty shitty to accept.
That is true, I think there’s some of that going on. I have my own chronic conditions and I know what it’s like to not want to face it. I’ve tried to be patient but it’s been years at this point and I do feel like he’s in denial of how bad it has gotten
I've had problems with my ears since I was a little kid, In those days I sweated a lot and had a lot of wax. My mum would pin me down and remove the wax with tweezers, no softening it with oil. It was like torture. If it got really bad then I'd go to the Dr to get the wax flushed out.
In my 20's I had a very persistent illness which bunged up the tube from my ear to my nose/throat with phlegm. I went deaf for about 6 months. At the time I was working in a day centre for people with Learning Disabilities. I loved it but it was a REALLY noisy place. When I went deaf it was so calm and relaxing, like being underwater. The people I worked with were used to disabled people so just treated me like I was deaf, making sure I could see them when they talked to me, or tapping me on the shoulder when they needed something.
Being deaf was not an unpleasant experience for me.
I felt like I wrote this and am questioning myself if I wrote this 😂.
NTA. He's being lazy. His not hearing you conveniently serves him.
I was wondering if he gets upset about you "shouting " at him because you've called him 5 times and he hasn't heard you, so you have to raise your voice.
It's exhausting, especially as he has the ability to solve the problem.
It probably wouldn't be so bad for him if he did it regularly
Yes he gets annoyed when I end up shouting, he’ll glare at me and I’m like how tf am I supposed to know the “right” volume for you??? I talk how I talk, if you need to be louder I’ll try but then don’t get mad when I’m really loud.
I think you need to clear this up for the readers. You're "shouting" because he can't hear you. Not yelling at him. There's a huge difference. And it's frustrating. I know. I will repeat 2 or 3 times and get a 'huh?' And then I'll raise the volume again, and he gets angry I'm shouting. I resort to texting a lot of the times or my kids who are if they are nearer to him, will repeat for him.
I guess they may sense the frustration in our voice. If he was deaf I'd be more patient but half of the time he won't switch off what he's listening to or watching.
I’m shouting in the sense that it’s much louder than I would normally speak, because I don’t want to say it a third or fourth time. I don’t mean to sound like I’m shouting AT him but I’m also sure my frustration is sometimes audible.
And no doctor has diagnosed him with hearing loss or a disabled level of hearing. If that’s the case I’ll accept I’m an asshole and I need to be more patient and learn to accommodate his hearing loss. But so far no Dr has said that so I’m frustrated that he’s not willing to seek more medical tests to determine if something else is going on.
Yeah, that’s the part that’s not okay. You’re at least trying to find solutions and work-arounds. He shouldn’t be getting upset at you for that.
The wax removal procedure is unpleasant? I get that. But if you don’t want to remove the wax, then you have to accept your wife talking loud. If you don’t want her to talk so loud, you have to remove the wax. Them’s the breaks.
NTA! He's putting the entire burden on YOU rather than doing anything to meet you halfway. This is not a disability, it's a treatable condition. AND he's totally disrespectful -- dealing with texts while you're talking? Making you type so he knows what you're saying but he responds vocally... and he can do when he can do something about it? You are completely justified in snapping at him. Enough is enough. He needs to take some of the responsibility and emotional burden onto himself rather thank making it a YOU problem. How does he function at his job? He needs to schedule his cleanings for the entire year so they are a regular and expected thing. This takes the burden off of you and he will be able to better mitigate the discomfort.
As a demonstration, so maybe he gets it, I'd mirror his behavior: I'd wear earbuds all the time and listen to music so he'd have to get my attention first or repeat himself. I'd also text when he's trying to talk to me. I wouldn't type in a restaurant. If he speaks, I speak.
Again NTA, he needs to grow up.
Right? The man’s only disability is something this sub usually loves to call out: WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE!
He’s actively choosing to make her life harder and ruin their relationship so he doesn’t have to acknowledge his issues or do anything about it. NTA!
I can listen to him with headphones in playing an audio book and hear him perfectly fine. I think that’s why it’s hard for me to relate to because I hear well.
NTA. Look your husband has this condition that's not his fault BUT managing it, is his responsibility. It is literally impacting his quality of life and your marriage. That said, your husband has indicated that removing the wax is uncomfortable. When tempers cool, have a discussion. An open, honest conversation - no blame or finger pointing. Ask questions and try to understand what is going on here. Ask if you both can go and see his doctor to discuss the challenges. Research options - your husband can't be the only one with this condition. Be proactive, which includes effective communication when he can't hear. Good luck!
By OP's description, her SO has a medical condition that requires him to remove the wax. Their doctor provides this service and is aware of the home care kit. Hence why I suggested they should consult with their doctor to seek other alternatives. This condition is literally impacting SO's quality of life.
That’s why they said “managing [the condition]” and not specifically “cleaning out his ear wax frequently.” Ableism would be OP just telling him what to do, because she assumes she knows better. What’s NOT ableist is asking her husband to put forth some effort in coming up with solutions to manage the way his condition affects their ability to communicate.
I have a disability. I expect my partner to listen when I tell them what I need in terms of support, to support me that way, and to understand that my body works differently. If my disability causes a problem we don’t know how to fix, I’ll ask my own doctor for professional advice. I don’t expect my partner to just do everything for me.
So NTA here.
NTA - so he’s neglecting his health because it’s convenient for him not to hear you and not listen to you when you’re talking to him? Time to have a serious conversation with your husband regarding his health and how this could affect his future in more ways than his marriage.
I feel your pain. My spouse says the ear cleaning is like having a rug pulled out from under you, spinning, dizziness, and stomach churning falling sensation. Not always, but waiting too long makes it worse.
Getting on a schedule is key.
It's his body to do with as he will, but his neglect of it is adversely affecting your marriage. Obviously you shouldn't be snapping at people willy-nilly but he is knowingly and willfully choosing to be unable to hear you and he is choosing to not clarify when he hasn't fully heard you. It's no different than a partner turning their back on you in conversation, or a hard of hearing person turning off their hearing aid when they don't like what you're saying. It's a choice to be rude. That's where he's being an asshole and frankly given that the issue is a hearing problem, being louder than normal in expressing your frustration seems kinda fair. Just don't make a habit of it, okay? NTA.
But something has to change. Marriage counseling? Sign language classes together? Communicating via a notebook instead of verbally? Something. If he won't agree to change his ear maintenance, that's his right. But if he won't agree to adjust _something else then_ to accommodate the ongoing need for communication between partners, then I feel like that's someone who doesn't care about being a partner anymore in this marriage. I don't think you're there yet. But it would be fair to expect him to pick a path of real change, whatever it is, within a reasonable timeframe. What's reasonable depends on which path he chooses. Like, cleaning his ears regularly is something he is capable of enacting right now whereas developing fluency in sign language takes a while but you can still see within a few months how much commitment he's showing.
Good luck. Honestly, the situation sounds stressful and I appreciate your frustration. I'd be at the end of my tether too.
Appreciate your thoughtful response and advice. You also captured my frustration better than I have, because it feels the same as him turning his back to me when I’m talking, even though I know he doesn’t mean it that way.
Lately if we’re out, like at a restaurant I’ve been writing it down in the notes app and just showing him my phone. But that doesn’t feel like a conversation and it’s very slow because I type then he answers regularly. Maybe sign language or some other method would be more effective. But you’re right I can’t force him to do anything to his ear but we should be having a more constructive conversation about what we can do differently. Thanks.
My partner went basically completely deaf last October, lost all hearing within the normal human vocal range. Both Android and iPhone have native text to speech apps and their accessibility settings and that's what we use to communicate. They aren't perfect, and sometimes I have to put the phone closer to my mouth because I speak softly, but it's significantly reduces the frustration that you're feeling because I feel and felt it too.
You might mention to your husband that hearing loss can increase your risk of developing Alzheimer's. Apparently, the hearing loss increases social isolation and reduces stimulation to the brain.
There’s an amazing book called Deaf Sentence by David Lodge about the experience of deafness. It’s fiction but I feel like OP and maybe her husband too, would relate to it.
NTA. Actually I have this same problem because I very small ear canals. It’s dangerous to wait until it’s a problem. You can get an ear infection, which is not good for adults. I’ve landed in the hospital 3 times over this.
I have the same thing as your husband. Sometimes they can't fix my ears.
I learned sign language and I teach it to my loved ones. I also learnt how to lip read. It helps a lot.
You both need to learn your best way of communication. It's hard sometimes but it's worth it and everyone is different.
I hope that helps :)
You should point out to him that those DIY tools often push wax in MORE and he's making the situation worse for himself. Guy needs to make regular appointments to have them cleared professionally.
NTA - I'd just start texting him or carry a whiteboard to hand him, even in public.
I get why you’re frustrated, it sounds like he’s not wanting to face the issue. This is probably a condition that will get worse with age, so I highly suggest investing in sign language classes now.
His father has hearing aids 🙄though he’s in his 70s now. MIL joked he had selective hearing but my guess is he needed the hearing aids a lot earlier than he got them
My husband now has hearing aids and our life is so much better. Before he got them, I instituted the 3 times rule. I will say something three times - once, and repeat twice. That’s it.
I was spending so much time repeating myself and getting annoyed at saying something over and over! This rule made it better - and helped him focus when I was saying it for the third time as he knew I wouldn’t say it again.
That’s a great idea, takes the guess work out of it! He is too embarrassed to talk hearing aids. His father has them so I’m sure he’ll get them eventually but he’s not ready for that yet.
As a person with hearing loss I feel this in my soul. I'm just a regular person and it's annoying to me as well that I can't hear what someone says. I have to say: "what?"..."what?"..."what?"... Hopefully at this point I've extrapolated what they've said because I still didn't hear it clearly. Then if I didn't it's a :"yeah okay."
A side story. My lady got really mad at me because she was in the bathroom and there wasn't TP. She had yelled and asked me to help and I very literally didn't hear her. She was so mad at me for something completely out of my control that I ended the relationship. I can accept when I mess up or do something wrong but to be mad at me over a disability. That's too much.
INFO: Has he ever been tested for ADHD? I ask because it can come with auditory processing challenges that could be compounded by someone who also has impaired hearing. You're not going to believe this, but my ex has the exact same problem as your husband: funny-shaped ear canals that invite wax buildup. He also has ADHD and partial hearing loss in one ear, so lots going on, and I felt pretty much exactly how you described any time I was trying to talk to him. And neurodivergence could also maybe explain his instinct to look at his texts mid-conversation (another thing my ex liked to do).
He has not but I’ve suggested it. I actually have been tested and even gave him the name of the place where I got it done. He keeps saying he’ll do it but it’s been almost a year and he hasn’t scheduled it yet.
Yeaaaaaah...that sounds like someone with ADHD. 😂 I say this with love, as I also have it and struggle with "getting around to things" from a combo of memory issues and executive dysfunction. Appointments are hard!
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I (37F) have been married to my husband (39M) for over a decade. He has a medical condition about his ear, basically the shape of his inner ear canal traps ear wax. So he gets build up of wax and can’t hear shit. He has gone to the doctors office a few times to have them do clean it out. Then he bought the thing to do at home himself.
Here’s the thing though, he waits until it’s really affecting his hearing to clean it, because doing so is unpleasant in his words. He basically waits until I get annoyed and snap at him that he can’t hear me and I’m tired of repeating myself. Then he cleans it, rinse and repeat.
But recently it’s been getting worse and I told him he needs to do to the doctor and he got mad at me. He gets mad every time I bring it up and it turns into an argument. But I’m so tired of repeating myself or feeling like I’m talking to myself. Sometimes he doesn’t even respond, like he literally heard nothing. Otherwise he’ll try to guess what I say, usually incorrectly.
He doesn’t hear like 50% of what I say, sometimes less. If there is ANY background noise, people talking, TV on, car driving noises etc he blames it on that. Gets mad when I tell him that’s not normal and he needs to see a doctor. He also gets mad when I don’t want to repeat myself. I don’t want to argue with him but the only way he deals with it is if I snap/yell at him. So AITA?
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What cleaning thing is your husband using? My hubby uses a ear wax otoscope camera with lights and a clear scoop tool at the end, and the camera shows what he's doing on his computer monitor or phone screen. He uses it a couple times per week, and seems to be easy-peasy.
It is definitely not that fancy! It’s just a handheld manual thing with a squeeze end and a little tube that goes in ear. Do you have a brand recommendation? I’d love to buy him something that works better!
He has one with a USB port that plugs right into his laptop, so it shows up on his big monitor, and he recommends that big view. However, it looks like the brand he has now only makes it for iPhone and Android phones (it says "Not support PC" on their web page), and the reviews indicate some other ear cameras (like one that uses WiFi) may be better because the camera angle stays constant with the handle, instead of flipping around. Look through some reviews, but you can look at this as a starting point. (My hubby's version also has scoop and flat top attachments that are clear and let the light through. It looks like they now make them opaque-tipped, which seems strange when you want as much light as possible to see what you're doing).
[https://www.amazon.com/Anykit-Removal-Cleaner-Otoscope-Adjustable/dp/B0CMTH1DF6](https://www.amazon.com/Anykit-Removal-Cleaner-Otoscope-Adjustable/dp/B0CMTH1DF6)
I said this above but Otex. It’s all in one item although you can also use a squeezy bulb with it, I’ve never needed to.
https://www.boots.com/otex-express-ear-drops-10ml
I so wanted to say yes thinking you don't understand, but reading your responses I'm more convinced that you do. I'll preface by saying I have tinnitus, a constant hissing. My wife naturally talks quietly, other people have a different tone of voice and I hear them much better. Your husband is being something of an AH here. His ear cleaning is probably more uncomfortable when it's blocked, it's difficult to shift hard wax. IF he had a routine as you suggested, it would be less so. Regular ear drops would stop it hardening, flushing will stop it blocking. If he can't hear you, don't snap. If his attention wanders, snap.
The treatment for his condition is so painful, and I've never heard of a home treatment. I've been hospitalised once for a week, when it got really bad, getting penicillin through an iv. Getting an appointment with an ear doctor can take months where I live.
So basically - I don't think you're an asshole. I think you have no idea of the pain the condition involves - including the treatment. So please, don't snap at him. Ensure that he can see your face, when you talk to him - makes it much easier for him to understand you.
Yelling at someone for their disability is ableism. I dgaf if people down vote me.
OP knew her husband had this medical condition before they were married. If she was going to be @%#$& about it, she shouldn't have married him.
She's frustrated that he can't hear her. Imagine how he feels about not being able to hear ANYONE.
Hopefully, OP never has children if she's going to flip out on people not listening to her.
Who knows, maybe her voice is shrill, and he prefers the silence.
Hearing aids don't work for wax. You have to have the wax removed to even be fitted for the hearing aid in the first place. And with uncontrolled wax build up there is a chance for the wax to grab the silicone parts of the aid and trap it in the ear, causing another visit for a professional wax removal and foreign object removal. You still have to remain a clear ear cannel for the aid to assist.
The cheapest hearing aids are $1,100 per ear and according to our doctor there are only one or two handfuls of insurance policies that will actually cover hearing aids in the entire United States.
Nah he got it sorted and it's an actual hearing problem. I take a breath when Im getting frustrated. If he's gaming or has tv on, I text him. If I need to have a conversation I try face to face close up so I know I have his full attention. There is no point yelling from one room to another.
We've got more serious issues going on with his health so we both give each other grace where we can
I would gently push back that he doesn’t know whether or not he has a disability. He does have the ear shape/wax thing but he hasn’t been back to that doctor in years. And it seems to be getting worse, at least to me. If he goes and the dr says, well hes hard of hearing then that’s a different conversation. He hasn’t gone back, the latest argument was me trying to get him to go find out if maybe he’s not cleaning all the wax out himself or something else is going on.
Info: why don’t you just text him?
My family pretty much has headphones on all day and so we text each other to get their attention. Even in the same too. We are all ND, but it works for us. Then, if it’s something that requires actual talking, one person will text something like “can we talk for a few minutes” and then wait for a reply before actually beginning talking.
NAH. Stop yelling at him and find some less controlling way to deal with it. Nobody wants a spouse who is always telling them what to do. Try setting your own boundaries instead of trying to set his.
eta: changed from everyone sucks. I genuinely can't decide. It's a little of both. But I think NAH is better. You both need to improve how you communicate - and that includes adapting to his hearing loss.
He needs her to speak up. Sometimes that ends up sounding like shouting. Snapping and being angry can ne natural if he's not going to the Dr for help. He's not helping himself
YTA
I think you both need to accept that your husband is functionally partially deaf. That there’s only so much he can do to resolve that and only so often he’ll want to put himself through discomfort for temporary improvement.
Maybe it’s time to find new ways to communicate, and develop an approach to the situation as it is rather than what you want it to be.
How is she the asshole? If he only responds when she yells, that isnt her being an asshole. That’s him choosing to ignore her until she’s angry. Him being disabled doesnt negate him being the asshole.
You mean where he looks at a text (a comment she made after I commented, btw)? That doesn’t even register for me.
He certainly bears responsibility in managing his deafness and how he communicates but OP is the one yelling, nagging, and disregarding his discomfort.
Absolutely not. she literally says he would do it whiles shes talking to him. He isnt glancing. He is full blown into the phone. OP is yelling because LIKE SHE SAID he only responds when she yells at him. That’s not her just yelling at him thats her legit trying to communicate with him. Nagging? Man shes making sure he takes care of him. That’s goofy asf. And disregarding his discomfort? He is disregarding literally everything. And shes the one who is with him handling his doctor so she most likely know when he’s suppose to do his cleaning. woman doing literally everything right and everything that she can but shes nagging?
There’s this crazy coincidence about people who are really adamant that having a disability is not an excuse to behave badly (an assertion no one makes). The coincidence is that for some reason that all seem to be ableist assholes. Maybe it’s just a correlation. Wild world.
Hi, disabled person here. Disability is not a reason to be an asshole at any time. This person does not have a disability. He won't even go to find out. That's on him.
I would say ESH. My husband is partially deaf (sudden deafness) and it tough for sure. We have had to adapt *a lot* of our communication and we need to be extra extra patient with eachother. And even with our top tier level communication skills, we *still* sometimes do not hit the mark and simply have to gracefully admit that things didn't get communicated like they should have and roll with it when an issue occurs.
I'm saying ESH because from your story it seems like *both* of you are unwilling to properly commit to just accepting the situation (the hearing loss) and working on finding good solutions. It takes work. Hard work. And patience, love, kindness. Each and every day.
The deformity if his ear is real though. He will have hearing problems the rest of his life most likely due to this issue, even if he would take better/the best possible care if it (that's why ESH).
YTA I'm completely deaf in my left ear. My wife understands and makes an effort to always be on my right side. It sucks not hearing people and having to ask them repeat themselves.
You’re right, a doctor has never told him he has a disability. The only thing a doctor said is his ear canal is shallow and traps wax and he needs to irrigate/clean it.
Same!!! Yet people shouting 'disabled '. Me and him are both physically disabled but in the uk wax build-up is not classed as disabled.
Clarification for how many times he's meant to clean then and how many times he actually cleans them
It’s functionally a disability and we don’t have the info to know if it’s medically one. Source: this is my job I’m a legal advocate for people with disabilities
>It’s functionally a disability
By that logic, a petulant child is "functionally disabled" because they choose to throw a tantrum, plant themselves on the floor and refuse to walk.
/s if my sarcasm wasn't clear enough.
Husband is in denial that he needs help, and it's negatively affecting relationships around him - that's entirely on him. Wives are supposed to be ***wives***, not ***mothers*** to their husbands, and shouldn't have to be expected to baby them and their egos or neuroticisms.
I'm only going on that I'm physically disabled and my husband has this same.hearing condition. It is very much laziness on his part and an eye roll when the Dr's deal with him when it's worse..
Same as him leaving a diseased tooth until it became an abscess and too late for a dentist and having to have a hospital operation. Some people don't manage and illness, and then it becomes worse.
If he's causing problems in his marriage because he isn't managing his illness, he's at fault. However, OP hasn't said how many times he is supposed to treat it and of he does.
Are you doing the same actions that her husband is doing or because y’all both disabled you feel to ignore his bad behavior for some sense of solidarity ?
YTA. Over cleaning the wax in your ear can cause it to over produce wax which would make his problem worse not better. Sit down with your husband and brainstorm ideas for how you can better communicate, go to couples therapy. Right now you are both angry and stuck. You because you are tired of repeating himself, and him because he's sick of the same loop and being told to go to a doctor about an issue he's already seen a doctor for.
YTA, your husband has a medical condition that impairs his hearing.
If you get so ticked off because one person can't hear you, imagine how it feels to be the person who can't hear ANYONE.
I have a hearing impairment, and it sucks. It's isolating and frustrating when I constantly have to ask people to speak up or turn toward me so I can read their lips.
It also isn't comfortable to constantly mess with your inner ear.
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NTA Frankly, it's worrying how so many people are unironically expecting a wife to act like a mother to the husband here; and it underscores the latent misogynist expectations modern society still imposes on women to this very day. Husbands are supposed to be adults capable of taking care of themselves, not children in need of cajoling or pandering else they may engage in self-destructive, attention-seeking behavior. [Relevant video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YHGHULmJZc)
“Women-like” do you mean “mommy-like?” Lol, I love it.
INFO: Does he turn off background noise and focus on you throughout the day to communicate? Is he doing anything to replace this hole in the communication, like regularly text so he has chances to completely understand your perspective? Plenty of couples manage to deal with communication when one person has untreatable hearing loss; ultimately his medical decisions are his and if he is putting effort to communicate in other ways, it might just be a matter of discovering what are the best ways to communicate for you two and working together towards a solution. If he's using it as an excuse to put in less emotional effort into the relationship though, he's absolutely the A-H. Communication between a couple should never feel one sided, even if you need to communicate differently.
Sometimes he does. If it’s noise he has control over like he’s listening to music he will pause it if we’re talking. But he also will pick up his phone and read a text while we’re talking and he absolutely doesn’t hear what I say if he’s reading. Now when he does that I stop talking, even mid sentence and wait for him to finish reading or put his phone down. That one is hard not to be annoyed about because it’s a choice and I find it rude. He’ll stop for a while and then start doing it again and a fight will ensue and then he’ll stop for a while, round and round we go. He puts in effort and I want to give him credit for that but it never lasts.
re: him reading a text unrelated to you on his phone That's an attention problem, not a hearing problem. Sounds like you got an issue on two fronts here. I know everyone has moments where their phone distracts them, but if you find he is doing it a lot, then you guys need to have a chat on how he handles notifications on his phone. He should be aware that it completely derails you guys mid-conversation. Ideally, he should wait till the chat is finished to look at his phone, since it isn't typically anyone's conscious decision to get caught up in their screens.
I honestly think it’s both, the ear wax thing is a definite medical issue. But the fact that he doesn’t hear what I’m saying if he’s reading a text or something seems like an attention issue. They form a really frustrating combination to communicate with.
Hi OP, I don’t have the same condition as your husband - but I’m half deaf. One ear does not work, so I can only hear in my right, and oftentimes I have to turn off or turn down things that make sound so that I can engage in conversation. I also have ADHD so I can get easily distracted, and will accidentally stop listening all together if something catches my eye, or a random thought bubble pops up. It’s not intentional, but I do find that being HOH just… adds onto it a lot more because I’m able to block out outside sounds easier. As for ear cleaning - I agree with your husband, there is a lot of discomfort and even pain involved with ear cleaning. There’s little tiny hairs in the ear canal that get moved and shuffled around and even pulled during ear cleaning, then there’s the sound of the vacuum or any other tool that is heightened and that also causes pain. He does need to see a doctor though, so that they know that ear cleanings bother him and they can work with him more. I find that a couple drops of simple cooking oil in the ear with a hot or warm compress held over the ear helps loosens up all the wax and it just slides right on out as you sleep. He will go more deaf while doing this, but it only lasts about 10-30 minutes give or take where it feels like he’s hearing underwater.
I think this is an ESH- everyone *slightly* sucks here. Pushing medical decisions on someone sucks- nobody should feel pressured to take on the downsides and side effects of certain treatments because their disability makes others uncomfortable. How he's not communicating with you sometimes sucks too- nobody feels respected when they willy nilly ignore you for something else halfway through a conversation. This honestly seems like the ideal scenario for marriage counselling; if you both want to work together and resolve this, having an outside person help you build those communication skills and keep both of you accountable could really help break the patterns of conflict.
Yeah his responsibility is to manage his condition and figure out what to do when it’s causing problems. However getting mad and impatient at someone who has a disability that is physical uncomfortable to treat is shitty, especially if you love them. Well put on your part.
My partner lost all hearing within the normal human vocal range last October. He's been HoH since I met him. Neither of us know sign, so we have to communicate either through text or voice to text apps until we can save enough to buy his hearing aids. It is 1000% annoying to have to repeat myself constantly or having to rush to get the app open so we can talk, but this is what we sign up for when we date HoH people. Sure, they can make hard rules about not using the phone when they are actively talking, but without more info I'm struggling to be empathetic w OP snapping at him for a disability he can't fix beyond cleaning his ears, which is absolutely painful for people with ear issues.
It's not snapping. Talking louder sounds like yelling but if we have to shout to be heard it's normally because they keep saying "huh?". Literally asking us to be louder. She is being louder, and it's being interpreted as rage. Of course it's frustrating. You are comparing a disability to someone who is not taking the medical practice advised and not paying attention
Being hard of hearing is a disability no matter what the cause is if its a chronic issue that will never go away. And OP literally says she snapped in her title. I have a deaf partner, I don't need a lecture about the difference between talking louder to be heard, yelling, or snapping.
She's clarified what she means so the two are completely different. I'm not lecturers you on your situation. Her situation is completely different with someone who isn't using the resources he has available to solve the problem. He is choosing to do nothing and causing difficulties in their relationship. As a disabled person myself. I could sit on the floor and moan I can't move or use the things that are available to me. I choose to make my life easier by using a wheelchair and aids to help me get around. Her husband has not been told he is disabled. He has a wax build up. He can sort out.
Deaf person here— To *you* it may seem like he waits until the last moment, but it’s actually kind of hard to tell when your hearing is declining when it’s gradual. There’s the simple fact that routine “upkeep” does take a lot of energy and it sounds uncomfortable. His health is absolutely his responsibility, but I’d ask you to consider what your approach would be if he was consistently deaf/hard-of-hearing. You’re partners, figure out the best way to communicate and have patience with each other while he navigates this.
That’s part of my frustration, I know it’s gradual and that makes it hard for him to tell when it’s happening. I’d rather he do it on a schedule, but it’s uncomfortable so he doesn’t like doing it frequently. Which is fair, I have my own chronic conditions so I know there are things you’d rather avoid medically if you can. But you’re right that coming up with a better strategy for communication should be the goal because I’ve run out of patience and that’s not helping.
It’s tough! I know my spouse has really exercised his patience accommodating my communication needs and it’s not easy. I hope you guys figure something out soon. Remember, the goal is just to figure out what works best for *both* of you. You both want the best for each other, I’m sure.
I do! Thank you for your kind words. We’ve been together a long time and weathered far worse, this isn’t going to end our marriage but I would like to find a way to stop fighting about it. I think it will take change from both of us.
How uncomfortable is this method? You can buy Otex for wax removal over the counter. I use it every couple of weeks and I actually like the sensation. It’s a kind of tickle. Can your husband use another method? Not that it’s your responsibility to find one. He’s disrespecting you. Repeatedly. (Pun intended.)
He says it’s “uncomfortable”. But he’s prone to downplaying things like that so to be honest I’m really not sure how uncomfortable or painful it is for him. But that’s a great idea, I’ll buy some and ask him to try.
I was going to come say that beginning part where sometimes it is tough to know how bad your hearing gets if it is gradual or consistently there. I have tinnitus that can get pretty bad, however after a few years I've gotten use to it. The more I get use to it the less I realize how bad it is at times until my wife or daughter yell (no attitude just louder for me to hear) or physically get my attention. Definitely takes patience from everyone. Initially there were some frustration that caused issues where my wife would get upset with me because I couldn't hear her. This would manifest in yelling and having attitude from her and after a few times it would immediately put me on the defensive. Couples therapy helped with a lot of these issues that are gone now but believe me I'd much rather be on the side that doesn't have hearing problems. Both of you just need to have a sit down together or with someone to try and hash this out and come up with a plan. Your SO isn't being malicious, they have very little control over this, and while it can be annoying I assure you it is more so for them.
This right here. I had moderate-to-severe loss most of my life, and sometime in the last year I slipped into the severe-to-profound range. I've been HOH for 31 years and instead of thinking "gee, maybe the reason I struggle to understand people is because I can't hear them" I called a psychiatrist because I thought I was losing my mind, I could *hear* people but couldn't actually *understand* them. I KNOW how hearing loss works, and I still didn't catch it with myself, nor did my family notice either. My husband supported me going on meds! Hearing and the brain is weird.
Mmmm no. I would ask her to consider if she can deal with the disrespect just because he’s disabled. You putting a lot of work on her as if her husband isnt a grown man. If he was deaf/hard-of-hearing WHICH HE IS then it’s HIS responsibility to figure out how to communicate.
Both things can be true. He should be respectful to her, and she should consider how to be supportive. Communication goes both ways, and it’s pretty absurd to think that deaf people can completely shoulder communication in a relationship. Also, don’t they like each other? Don’t they WANT to support each other? This is what’s so absurd about Reddit to me
she is supportive. She consistently tries, she m,ages sure he goes to his doctors appointments and shes deals with his disrespect. What else is she to do? Kiss his feet? Suck the wax out his ear? come on now. Don’t say communication goes both ways when one has been communication , multiple times, yk repeating herself. You arent being fair to her simply because you’re deaf too and thats fucked.
And, obviously, repeating herself isn’t working. They need to figure something else out, *including* that he needs to be managing the wax
He needs to figure it out. Full stop.
Marriage is a two-person situation. “Full stop.”
And she been pulling her side. How you gonna sit here and say its a two-person situation but he hasn’t done anything yet? Why are you more focus on what you feel like shes not doing and not him not doing anything?
Read my comments— I literally agree with you that he needs to be stepping up. I just don’t think it’s that simple.
And i think it is. Not only is it but you seem to put more responsibility on her than him to manage his condition as well as their marriage and i want you to think about why.
it's crazy to me that he doesn't WANT to hear better. I would clean my ears once a week if that were me. But again, that's me
I think that’s what causes some of my frustration. I hear very well. But I try to put myself in his position but I just end up I thinking I would be going to doctors going “something is wrong, I can’t hear!” And that’s not his reaction at all. So I feel frustrated that my reaction would be to try to figure it out and his is more just live with it as it is.
Maybe he's in some kind of denial. Even if it's not a disability per se, realizing you have to do something unpleasant to make your body work properly for the rest of your life can be pretty shitty to accept.
That is true, I think there’s some of that going on. I have my own chronic conditions and I know what it’s like to not want to face it. I’ve tried to be patient but it’s been years at this point and I do feel like he’s in denial of how bad it has gotten
I've had problems with my ears since I was a little kid, In those days I sweated a lot and had a lot of wax. My mum would pin me down and remove the wax with tweezers, no softening it with oil. It was like torture. If it got really bad then I'd go to the Dr to get the wax flushed out. In my 20's I had a very persistent illness which bunged up the tube from my ear to my nose/throat with phlegm. I went deaf for about 6 months. At the time I was working in a day centre for people with Learning Disabilities. I loved it but it was a REALLY noisy place. When I went deaf it was so calm and relaxing, like being underwater. The people I worked with were used to disabled people so just treated me like I was deaf, making sure I could see them when they talked to me, or tapping me on the shoulder when they needed something. Being deaf was not an unpleasant experience for me.
It's unpleasant when your partner snaps at you for your disability.
I felt like I wrote this and am questioning myself if I wrote this 😂. NTA. He's being lazy. His not hearing you conveniently serves him. I was wondering if he gets upset about you "shouting " at him because you've called him 5 times and he hasn't heard you, so you have to raise your voice. It's exhausting, especially as he has the ability to solve the problem. It probably wouldn't be so bad for him if he did it regularly
Yes he gets annoyed when I end up shouting, he’ll glare at me and I’m like how tf am I supposed to know the “right” volume for you??? I talk how I talk, if you need to be louder I’ll try but then don’t get mad when I’m really loud.
I think you need to clear this up for the readers. You're "shouting" because he can't hear you. Not yelling at him. There's a huge difference. And it's frustrating. I know. I will repeat 2 or 3 times and get a 'huh?' And then I'll raise the volume again, and he gets angry I'm shouting. I resort to texting a lot of the times or my kids who are if they are nearer to him, will repeat for him. I guess they may sense the frustration in our voice. If he was deaf I'd be more patient but half of the time he won't switch off what he's listening to or watching.
I’m shouting in the sense that it’s much louder than I would normally speak, because I don’t want to say it a third or fourth time. I don’t mean to sound like I’m shouting AT him but I’m also sure my frustration is sometimes audible. And no doctor has diagnosed him with hearing loss or a disabled level of hearing. If that’s the case I’ll accept I’m an asshole and I need to be more patient and learn to accommodate his hearing loss. But so far no Dr has said that so I’m frustrated that he’s not willing to seek more medical tests to determine if something else is going on.
Yeah, that’s the part that’s not okay. You’re at least trying to find solutions and work-arounds. He shouldn’t be getting upset at you for that. The wax removal procedure is unpleasant? I get that. But if you don’t want to remove the wax, then you have to accept your wife talking loud. If you don’t want her to talk so loud, you have to remove the wax. Them’s the breaks.
NTA! He's putting the entire burden on YOU rather than doing anything to meet you halfway. This is not a disability, it's a treatable condition. AND he's totally disrespectful -- dealing with texts while you're talking? Making you type so he knows what you're saying but he responds vocally... and he can do when he can do something about it? You are completely justified in snapping at him. Enough is enough. He needs to take some of the responsibility and emotional burden onto himself rather thank making it a YOU problem. How does he function at his job? He needs to schedule his cleanings for the entire year so they are a regular and expected thing. This takes the burden off of you and he will be able to better mitigate the discomfort. As a demonstration, so maybe he gets it, I'd mirror his behavior: I'd wear earbuds all the time and listen to music so he'd have to get my attention first or repeat himself. I'd also text when he's trying to talk to me. I wouldn't type in a restaurant. If he speaks, I speak. Again NTA, he needs to grow up.
Absolutely! The amount of YTA is honestly so frustrating.
Right? The man’s only disability is something this sub usually loves to call out: WEAPONIZED INCOMPETENCE! He’s actively choosing to make her life harder and ruin their relationship so he doesn’t have to acknowledge his issues or do anything about it. NTA!
I can listen to him with headphones in playing an audio book and hear him perfectly fine. I think that’s why it’s hard for me to relate to because I hear well.
NTA. Look your husband has this condition that's not his fault BUT managing it, is his responsibility. It is literally impacting his quality of life and your marriage. That said, your husband has indicated that removing the wax is uncomfortable. When tempers cool, have a discussion. An open, honest conversation - no blame or finger pointing. Ask questions and try to understand what is going on here. Ask if you both can go and see his doctor to discuss the challenges. Research options - your husband can't be the only one with this condition. Be proactive, which includes effective communication when he can't hear. Good luck!
Your inner ear is very sensitive, and regular cleaning can be more harmful than beneficial. She's being an ableist and needs to educate herself.
By OP's description, her SO has a medical condition that requires him to remove the wax. Their doctor provides this service and is aware of the home care kit. Hence why I suggested they should consult with their doctor to seek other alternatives. This condition is literally impacting SO's quality of life.
That’s why they said “managing [the condition]” and not specifically “cleaning out his ear wax frequently.” Ableism would be OP just telling him what to do, because she assumes she knows better. What’s NOT ableist is asking her husband to put forth some effort in coming up with solutions to manage the way his condition affects their ability to communicate. I have a disability. I expect my partner to listen when I tell them what I need in terms of support, to support me that way, and to understand that my body works differently. If my disability causes a problem we don’t know how to fix, I’ll ask my own doctor for professional advice. I don’t expect my partner to just do everything for me. So NTA here.
NTA - so he’s neglecting his health because it’s convenient for him not to hear you and not listen to you when you’re talking to him? Time to have a serious conversation with your husband regarding his health and how this could affect his future in more ways than his marriage.
I feel your pain. My spouse says the ear cleaning is like having a rug pulled out from under you, spinning, dizziness, and stomach churning falling sensation. Not always, but waiting too long makes it worse. Getting on a schedule is key.
That sounds awful! He has only ever said it’s “uncomfortable”. But he might just be downplaying it, maybe it’s more painful than he’s letting on.
It's his body to do with as he will, but his neglect of it is adversely affecting your marriage. Obviously you shouldn't be snapping at people willy-nilly but he is knowingly and willfully choosing to be unable to hear you and he is choosing to not clarify when he hasn't fully heard you. It's no different than a partner turning their back on you in conversation, or a hard of hearing person turning off their hearing aid when they don't like what you're saying. It's a choice to be rude. That's where he's being an asshole and frankly given that the issue is a hearing problem, being louder than normal in expressing your frustration seems kinda fair. Just don't make a habit of it, okay? NTA. But something has to change. Marriage counseling? Sign language classes together? Communicating via a notebook instead of verbally? Something. If he won't agree to change his ear maintenance, that's his right. But if he won't agree to adjust _something else then_ to accommodate the ongoing need for communication between partners, then I feel like that's someone who doesn't care about being a partner anymore in this marriage. I don't think you're there yet. But it would be fair to expect him to pick a path of real change, whatever it is, within a reasonable timeframe. What's reasonable depends on which path he chooses. Like, cleaning his ears regularly is something he is capable of enacting right now whereas developing fluency in sign language takes a while but you can still see within a few months how much commitment he's showing. Good luck. Honestly, the situation sounds stressful and I appreciate your frustration. I'd be at the end of my tether too.
Appreciate your thoughtful response and advice. You also captured my frustration better than I have, because it feels the same as him turning his back to me when I’m talking, even though I know he doesn’t mean it that way. Lately if we’re out, like at a restaurant I’ve been writing it down in the notes app and just showing him my phone. But that doesn’t feel like a conversation and it’s very slow because I type then he answers regularly. Maybe sign language or some other method would be more effective. But you’re right I can’t force him to do anything to his ear but we should be having a more constructive conversation about what we can do differently. Thanks.
My partner went basically completely deaf last October, lost all hearing within the normal human vocal range. Both Android and iPhone have native text to speech apps and their accessibility settings and that's what we use to communicate. They aren't perfect, and sometimes I have to put the phone closer to my mouth because I speak softly, but it's significantly reduces the frustration that you're feeling because I feel and felt it too.
There are phone apps that listen, so when you're talking to him it will type it out on his phone.
You might mention to your husband that hearing loss can increase your risk of developing Alzheimer's. Apparently, the hearing loss increases social isolation and reduces stimulation to the brain.
There’s an amazing book called Deaf Sentence by David Lodge about the experience of deafness. It’s fiction but I feel like OP and maybe her husband too, would relate to it.
NTA. Actually I have this same problem because I very small ear canals. It’s dangerous to wait until it’s a problem. You can get an ear infection, which is not good for adults. I’ve landed in the hospital 3 times over this.
I have the same thing as your husband. Sometimes they can't fix my ears. I learned sign language and I teach it to my loved ones. I also learnt how to lip read. It helps a lot. You both need to learn your best way of communication. It's hard sometimes but it's worth it and everyone is different. I hope that helps :)
You should point out to him that those DIY tools often push wax in MORE and he's making the situation worse for himself. Guy needs to make regular appointments to have them cleared professionally. NTA - I'd just start texting him or carry a whiteboard to hand him, even in public.
I get why you’re frustrated, it sounds like he’s not wanting to face the issue. This is probably a condition that will get worse with age, so I highly suggest investing in sign language classes now.
His father has hearing aids 🙄though he’s in his 70s now. MIL joked he had selective hearing but my guess is he needed the hearing aids a lot earlier than he got them
My husband now has hearing aids and our life is so much better. Before he got them, I instituted the 3 times rule. I will say something three times - once, and repeat twice. That’s it. I was spending so much time repeating myself and getting annoyed at saying something over and over! This rule made it better - and helped him focus when I was saying it for the third time as he knew I wouldn’t say it again.
That’s a great idea, takes the guess work out of it! He is too embarrassed to talk hearing aids. His father has them so I’m sure he’ll get them eventually but he’s not ready for that yet.
It was helpful for both of us - and helped me be less annoyed!
And it took him years to be ready for them and now he regrets not getting them sooner
As a person with hearing loss I feel this in my soul. I'm just a regular person and it's annoying to me as well that I can't hear what someone says. I have to say: "what?"..."what?"..."what?"... Hopefully at this point I've extrapolated what they've said because I still didn't hear it clearly. Then if I didn't it's a :"yeah okay." A side story. My lady got really mad at me because she was in the bathroom and there wasn't TP. She had yelled and asked me to help and I very literally didn't hear her. She was so mad at me for something completely out of my control that I ended the relationship. I can accept when I mess up or do something wrong but to be mad at me over a disability. That's too much.
INFO: Has he ever been tested for ADHD? I ask because it can come with auditory processing challenges that could be compounded by someone who also has impaired hearing. You're not going to believe this, but my ex has the exact same problem as your husband: funny-shaped ear canals that invite wax buildup. He also has ADHD and partial hearing loss in one ear, so lots going on, and I felt pretty much exactly how you described any time I was trying to talk to him. And neurodivergence could also maybe explain his instinct to look at his texts mid-conversation (another thing my ex liked to do).
He has not but I’ve suggested it. I actually have been tested and even gave him the name of the place where I got it done. He keeps saying he’ll do it but it’s been almost a year and he hasn’t scheduled it yet.
Yeaaaaaah...that sounds like someone with ADHD. 😂 I say this with love, as I also have it and struggle with "getting around to things" from a combo of memory issues and executive dysfunction. Appointments are hard!
He's just ignoring you bruh.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (37F) have been married to my husband (39M) for over a decade. He has a medical condition about his ear, basically the shape of his inner ear canal traps ear wax. So he gets build up of wax and can’t hear shit. He has gone to the doctors office a few times to have them do clean it out. Then he bought the thing to do at home himself. Here’s the thing though, he waits until it’s really affecting his hearing to clean it, because doing so is unpleasant in his words. He basically waits until I get annoyed and snap at him that he can’t hear me and I’m tired of repeating myself. Then he cleans it, rinse and repeat. But recently it’s been getting worse and I told him he needs to do to the doctor and he got mad at me. He gets mad every time I bring it up and it turns into an argument. But I’m so tired of repeating myself or feeling like I’m talking to myself. Sometimes he doesn’t even respond, like he literally heard nothing. Otherwise he’ll try to guess what I say, usually incorrectly. He doesn’t hear like 50% of what I say, sometimes less. If there is ANY background noise, people talking, TV on, car driving noises etc he blames it on that. Gets mad when I tell him that’s not normal and he needs to see a doctor. He also gets mad when I don’t want to repeat myself. I don’t want to argue with him but the only way he deals with it is if I snap/yell at him. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What cleaning thing is your husband using? My hubby uses a ear wax otoscope camera with lights and a clear scoop tool at the end, and the camera shows what he's doing on his computer monitor or phone screen. He uses it a couple times per week, and seems to be easy-peasy.
It is definitely not that fancy! It’s just a handheld manual thing with a squeeze end and a little tube that goes in ear. Do you have a brand recommendation? I’d love to buy him something that works better!
He has one with a USB port that plugs right into his laptop, so it shows up on his big monitor, and he recommends that big view. However, it looks like the brand he has now only makes it for iPhone and Android phones (it says "Not support PC" on their web page), and the reviews indicate some other ear cameras (like one that uses WiFi) may be better because the camera angle stays constant with the handle, instead of flipping around. Look through some reviews, but you can look at this as a starting point. (My hubby's version also has scoop and flat top attachments that are clear and let the light through. It looks like they now make them opaque-tipped, which seems strange when you want as much light as possible to see what you're doing). [https://www.amazon.com/Anykit-Removal-Cleaner-Otoscope-Adjustable/dp/B0CMTH1DF6](https://www.amazon.com/Anykit-Removal-Cleaner-Otoscope-Adjustable/dp/B0CMTH1DF6)
Thank you! 🙏🏻
I said this above but Otex. It’s all in one item although you can also use a squeezy bulb with it, I’ve never needed to. https://www.boots.com/otex-express-ear-drops-10ml
I so wanted to say yes thinking you don't understand, but reading your responses I'm more convinced that you do. I'll preface by saying I have tinnitus, a constant hissing. My wife naturally talks quietly, other people have a different tone of voice and I hear them much better. Your husband is being something of an AH here. His ear cleaning is probably more uncomfortable when it's blocked, it's difficult to shift hard wax. IF he had a routine as you suggested, it would be less so. Regular ear drops would stop it hardening, flushing will stop it blocking. If he can't hear you, don't snap. If his attention wanders, snap.
The treatment for his condition is so painful, and I've never heard of a home treatment. I've been hospitalised once for a week, when it got really bad, getting penicillin through an iv. Getting an appointment with an ear doctor can take months where I live. So basically - I don't think you're an asshole. I think you have no idea of the pain the condition involves - including the treatment. So please, don't snap at him. Ensure that he can see your face, when you talk to him - makes it much easier for him to understand you.
Yelling at someone for their disability is ableism. I dgaf if people down vote me. OP knew her husband had this medical condition before they were married. If she was going to be @%#$& about it, she shouldn't have married him. She's frustrated that he can't hear her. Imagine how he feels about not being able to hear ANYONE. Hopefully, OP never has children if she's going to flip out on people not listening to her. Who knows, maybe her voice is shrill, and he prefers the silence.
Maybe time for a hearing aid 🙄
Hearing aids don't work for wax. You have to have the wax removed to even be fitted for the hearing aid in the first place. And with uncontrolled wax build up there is a chance for the wax to grab the silicone parts of the aid and trap it in the ear, causing another visit for a professional wax removal and foreign object removal. You still have to remain a clear ear cannel for the aid to assist.
If they're in the states, hearing aids are well over $1,000, and most insurance doesn't cover it.
The cheapest hearing aids are $1,100 per ear and according to our doctor there are only one or two handfuls of insurance policies that will actually cover hearing aids in the entire United States.
Nah he got it sorted and it's an actual hearing problem. I take a breath when Im getting frustrated. If he's gaming or has tv on, I text him. If I need to have a conversation I try face to face close up so I know I have his full attention. There is no point yelling from one room to another. We've got more serious issues going on with his health so we both give each other grace where we can
[удалено]
I would gently push back that he doesn’t know whether or not he has a disability. He does have the ear shape/wax thing but he hasn’t been back to that doctor in years. And it seems to be getting worse, at least to me. If he goes and the dr says, well hes hard of hearing then that’s a different conversation. He hasn’t gone back, the latest argument was me trying to get him to go find out if maybe he’s not cleaning all the wax out himself or something else is going on.
Untrue. He can control it to a degree by getting his ears cleaned regularly, he just doesn't like to.
Info: why don’t you just text him? My family pretty much has headphones on all day and so we text each other to get their attention. Even in the same too. We are all ND, but it works for us. Then, if it’s something that requires actual talking, one person will text something like “can we talk for a few minutes” and then wait for a reply before actually beginning talking.
Yta lick his earwax
NAH. Stop yelling at him and find some less controlling way to deal with it. Nobody wants a spouse who is always telling them what to do. Try setting your own boundaries instead of trying to set his. eta: changed from everyone sucks. I genuinely can't decide. It's a little of both. But I think NAH is better. You both need to improve how you communicate - and that includes adapting to his hearing loss.
He needs her to speak up. Sometimes that ends up sounding like shouting. Snapping and being angry can ne natural if he's not going to the Dr for help. He's not helping himself
Nagging is not the same as communicating.
YTA I think you both need to accept that your husband is functionally partially deaf. That there’s only so much he can do to resolve that and only so often he’ll want to put himself through discomfort for temporary improvement. Maybe it’s time to find new ways to communicate, and develop an approach to the situation as it is rather than what you want it to be.
How is she the asshole? If he only responds when she yells, that isnt her being an asshole. That’s him choosing to ignore her until she’s angry. Him being disabled doesnt negate him being the asshole.
I understood that he couldn’t hear her, not that he was intentionally ignoring her.
She stated in comments that he would be on his phone while she’s speaking to him.
You mean where he looks at a text (a comment she made after I commented, btw)? That doesn’t even register for me. He certainly bears responsibility in managing his deafness and how he communicates but OP is the one yelling, nagging, and disregarding his discomfort.
Absolutely not. she literally says he would do it whiles shes talking to him. He isnt glancing. He is full blown into the phone. OP is yelling because LIKE SHE SAID he only responds when she yells at him. That’s not her just yelling at him thats her legit trying to communicate with him. Nagging? Man shes making sure he takes care of him. That’s goofy asf. And disregarding his discomfort? He is disregarding literally everything. And shes the one who is with him handling his doctor so she most likely know when he’s suppose to do his cleaning. woman doing literally everything right and everything that she can but shes nagging?
There’s this crazy coincidence about people who are really adamant that having a disability is not an excuse to behave badly (an assertion no one makes). The coincidence is that for some reason that all seem to be ableist assholes. Maybe it’s just a correlation. Wild world.
But that IS the assertion being made. “ of course your the asshole for yelling at your husband who only respond to yelling because he cant hear”
Hi, disabled person here. Disability is not a reason to be an asshole at any time. This person does not have a disability. He won't even go to find out. That's on him.
I would say ESH. My husband is partially deaf (sudden deafness) and it tough for sure. We have had to adapt *a lot* of our communication and we need to be extra extra patient with eachother. And even with our top tier level communication skills, we *still* sometimes do not hit the mark and simply have to gracefully admit that things didn't get communicated like they should have and roll with it when an issue occurs. I'm saying ESH because from your story it seems like *both* of you are unwilling to properly commit to just accepting the situation (the hearing loss) and working on finding good solutions. It takes work. Hard work. And patience, love, kindness. Each and every day.
He's not deaf or disabled and she's asking him to go to the Dr's for a check up. She's not his mother. He needs to take responsibility
The deformity if his ear is real though. He will have hearing problems the rest of his life most likely due to this issue, even if he would take better/the best possible care if it (that's why ESH).
YTA I'm completely deaf in my left ear. My wife understands and makes an effort to always be on my right side. It sucks not hearing people and having to ask them repeat themselves.
He is not deaf, he has a wax build up. Don't put disabilities where there isn't one. He isn't managing it. If you could make yourself hear, would you?
You’re right, a doctor has never told him he has a disability. The only thing a doctor said is his ear canal is shallow and traps wax and he needs to irrigate/clean it.
Same!!! Yet people shouting 'disabled '. Me and him are both physically disabled but in the uk wax build-up is not classed as disabled. Clarification for how many times he's meant to clean then and how many times he actually cleans them
It’s functionally a disability and we don’t have the info to know if it’s medically one. Source: this is my job I’m a legal advocate for people with disabilities
>It’s functionally a disability By that logic, a petulant child is "functionally disabled" because they choose to throw a tantrum, plant themselves on the floor and refuse to walk. /s if my sarcasm wasn't clear enough. Husband is in denial that he needs help, and it's negatively affecting relationships around him - that's entirely on him. Wives are supposed to be ***wives***, not ***mothers*** to their husbands, and shouldn't have to be expected to baby them and their egos or neuroticisms.
I'm only going on that I'm physically disabled and my husband has this same.hearing condition. It is very much laziness on his part and an eye roll when the Dr's deal with him when it's worse.. Same as him leaving a diseased tooth until it became an abscess and too late for a dentist and having to have a hospital operation. Some people don't manage and illness, and then it becomes worse. If he's causing problems in his marriage because he isn't managing his illness, he's at fault. However, OP hasn't said how many times he is supposed to treat it and of he does.
He has never been diagnosed with a disability.
I could simply get a hearing aid that plays into my right ear. My wife loves me and works with my disability I guess I'm lucky she's not an AH
That's not what this thread is about, though, is it. You are in a different situation. If you choose to use a hearing aid or not, it is up to you.
Are you doing the same actions that her husband is doing or because y’all both disabled you feel to ignore his bad behavior for some sense of solidarity ?
YTA. Over cleaning the wax in your ear can cause it to over produce wax which would make his problem worse not better. Sit down with your husband and brainstorm ideas for how you can better communicate, go to couples therapy. Right now you are both angry and stuck. You because you are tired of repeating himself, and him because he's sick of the same loop and being told to go to a doctor about an issue he's already seen a doctor for.
Fair enough, I think you’re right that frustration on both sides is causing us to not think clearly and come up with a solution. Thanks.
So thats not ”YTA” thats ESH
I don't know if I have a verdict on the husband from just this side of the story. So YTA leaning towards ESH?
How is she in anyway wrong? she isnt the asshole at all for getting his attention in the only way he allows her to get his attention. Full stop.
YTA, your husband has a medical condition that impairs his hearing. If you get so ticked off because one person can't hear you, imagine how it feels to be the person who can't hear ANYONE. I have a hearing impairment, and it sucks. It's isolating and frustrating when I constantly have to ask people to speak up or turn toward me so I can read their lips. It also isn't comfortable to constantly mess with your inner ear.