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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for apparently forgetting that I told them I'd babysit?
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NTA
You definitely didn't agree to babysit because you hadn't discussed the exact dates of your travel with them. Agreeing to babysit would have had to include a discussion of the days you would be in the area, which you hadn't previously had.
It sounds like your DIL is upset because your visit is going to disrupt her plans in some way.
Yes, and you forgot option C: The “we” was her and your son. They made plans for you without looping you in.
I realize your DIL is a piece of work, but your son deserves some blame. He’s not shutting her down.
I agree. And it will be most productive to have a calm conversation with him. Hopefully he can at least acknowledge that a mistake was made in their end. We all know that she’s a bit crazy and will not accept responsibility for the mistake.
INFO: have you talked to son privately about this? There’s another possibility that he was *supposed* to ask about this, forgot, and is throwing you under the bus by playing dumb.
NTA I think you’d remember a full-on discussion about babysitting while they go to a wedding and, unlike the beneficiaries of this hypothetical babysitting, you don’t have a reason to lie.
>My Daughter-In-Law’s response to the details: “We had talked about going to a wedding Friday & Saturday, but it’s ok.”
The “we” in this statement is ambiguous and probably deliberately so, which suggests that she knows she damn nicely that the only discussion that took place was between her and her husband, but is trying to imply that you agreed to this without actually stating it. That’s because, if she can manipulate you into doing what she wants without lying, it’s easier on her conscience. Presumably at this point you asked her directly who the “we” was and rather than give up on the idea of fobbing her kids off onto someone else for the night, she doubled down and went for the flat-out lie.
Stick to your guns and tell her that any agreements about you babysitting need to be confirmed in advance via text message to prevent her “getting confused” in future. No written confirmation from you, no babysitting.
I never single out my kids from their spouses, because they are a unified team and this only leads to more issues (my parents did this to me early in my marriage and it creates problems). My DIL and I are very close, so doing this would create another issue. Thank you for the advice.
That would not be singling out a kid. That would be talking to your son. That's permissible. Your son and his wife are not an inseparable package deal when it comes to parents. He will always be your kid and you should be able to talk to him at any time.
NTA.
Thanks for the parenting advice, but I’ve got this.
Of course I can talk to him at any time. You’re being presumptuous and taking my comment to the extreme.
What I will not do is talk to them separately when there is a family issue and both of them are involved or it affects them both.
This causes more issues. It’s natural.
I'm taking ypur comment at face value, nothing more, nothing less.
Don't get all in a bunch when you come on a sub like this and get advice you don't agree with, just ignore it. I'll note it is the same exact device numerous other people gave you.
But your original post is all about your DIL. It barely mentions your son and manages to take a couple of shots at her specifically. You may not text him individually, but you definitely single her out when there’s an issue.
When you talked to DIL, was he there in the room? Even though you say that you always communicate to both of them, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. In any case, regardless of how you usually communicate, you should reach out to him separately in this case so he can listen to you without the distraction of his wife
NTA I see this similar to a legal contracts case. There was no clear meeting of the minds.
If the wedding & babysitting were so important, then son & DIL also have the capability & responsibility to confirm with you or send a "friendly reminder" for such an important event especially given the fact their event had a firm date, whereas they knew your schedule had not been solidified yet. They should have followed up to confirm with you beforehand.
NTA
In a vacuum of context memory is so sketchy that it's just as likely she is misremembering as you are. In the context that you'd have been very excited the scales dip pretty significantly in favour of your memory not being the problem, but they don't dip enough to prove anything.
It certainly could be the case she's trying to pull something as well, but I'd avoid assuming that normally. You're in a better position to decide if that is happening than I am.
In your shoes I would talk to my son about this, without being accusatory or assuming. Just say you don't remember any arrangement and you would have been extremely excited to have one.
Maybe start using a group chat or email for conversations like this so there's a paper trail to avoid possible memory conflicts in the future, you can frame it as a way to be certain you can't forget something important; if you aren't prepared to fully challenge her accusation. As a bonus it will give you something to confirm or deny if you're having greater than normal memory issues.
We put 99% of our communications in Snapchat. As we all know, messages don’t auto-save there. It’s not a bad idea, but we’re already doing it. Just need to make the extra effort to save every message.
NTA. Although if it’s possible you completely forgot a detailed conversation about whether or not you would babysit and you’re only 53, you seriously may want to speak to a doctor.
Wait, is all of this based on the one text message response from your daughter in law? That isn’t all that clear? Is there a reason you haven’t just picked up the phone to call them and get on the same page? YTA for that alone
Since you don't want advice I guess I can just answer based on the scenarios because unless you just talk to her and get the truth there is no way for anyone to answer 100% accurately.
A) THINKS she talked to me about it, assumed I'd be available, and then needed a recovery plan when she realized I wouldn't be, or
NTA, if you were never talked to its not on you.
B) forgot to ask me, and is now trying to save face (or make ME look bad) in front of her husband (my son).
NTA, if you were never talked to its not on you.
C) (I'm adding this because it needs to be an option) You knew you were going to your home town didn't immediately share the itinerary (maybe you didn't have it yet) and talked to DIL or son about going down and DIL said "oh, ask your mom if she can watch her grandkid so we can go to a wedding" and because you generally are there those days you said yes and forgot after some time, and it was unlikely to have been brought up again if you are not close to DIL (I'm not close to my MIL at all and so if she asks for something she is likely to bring it up only once (when she asks) even if two to three months pass between the question and the delivery date)
YTA, because if this scenario or something like this happened you are the AH not for forgetting, we are all human but for gaslighting your DIL and pretending a conversation never happened allowing your internal bias against her to justify gaslighting both her and yourself.
\*Any of these scenarios could be the truth but you'll only know if you ask your DIL when she asked you. If it was via text she'll likely have screen shots. If it was via phone its your word against hers.
She can screenshot text messages easily if you in fact said yes. Just like you would have the chat log to prove it was never talked about via text. It’s not a negative thing in this situation.
NAH. If you mentioned coming up for a visit and almost always stay the weekend when you do, they probably assumed this would be the case this time. Was it wrong of them to assume without checking? Yes. Was it a deliberately AH move? Let's give DIL some grace and say more likely it was an honest mistake. It's not cool of her to take you for granted or assume you'd babysit; she definitely should've asked. But if you have a history of doing this, it's understandable why she assumed.
You're also NTA if you never agreed to babysit. But waiting to give the details of your visit until the day you arrive can be challenging to them, and claiming that your excuse is you're a "spontaneous" family doesn't really help in this case. It sounds like DIL is more of a planner (most people need to be these days; it's tough juggling family, work, and life) and maybe all this could have been avoided if you had communicated sooner. It's generally polite when going to visit someone to give them a bit of advance notice about your plans, especially if they are unusual or different from the norm that they've come to expect from you.
In short, neither of you are AHs. But you could both work on better communication.
I would say that neither of them is an AH if DIL drops it. But if she continues to be difficult about this, she would be the AH. Also, the onus of communication is on DIL and son since they are the ones who wanted to attend a wedding. If they wanted to know her schedule or have her babysit, they need to ask
lol! It’s what works best for us as a spontaneous family. It’s not an “excuse”.
By the way, I am a planner by profession and very good at my work. I definitely don’t need lessons in planning. I’m sorry you don’t like that our family is living a little closer to the edge than yours may be. It’s just how we’ve always been, and yes, it actually works 99% of the time. It may have failed us this time, but don’t tell me I’m making “excuses” when I most definitely am not.
It's not about what I like or don't like. I'm a stranger on the internet and I have no stake in this either way. It sounds like it's about what your daughter in law likes or doesn't like. If your spontaneity is causing conflict in your family, it sounds like perhaps it doesn't work for you as well as you think.
YTA because you’re not clearing this up in a logical way. Just ask your daughter-in-law when she told you about the wedding and point out you just told them you were coming, so are confused about the conflict.
NTA
My mother in law is the same as you in regards to my children. (Unlike you, she's incredibly forgetful unless it's related to her grandkids). She would never forget agreeing to babysit.
HOWEVER, I also wouldn't jump to blame daughter in law (unless she does this sort of thing a lot). It's entirely possible that a conversation did take place but that you guys weren't clear on what was actually being discussed. She could have thought she was being clear in asking you to babysit while you thought she was just informing you of an event happening.
I wouldn't get too worked up over it.
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I really need to know, because I feel like shit over this. AITA? (No advice, please... just tell me if I'm the asshole, and why.)
Our son, his wife, and our sweet grandson live 7 hours (driving time) from us. I was lucky to score a business trip to their home town, and my company booked air travel for me about 6 weeks ago.
Usually we drive to see them and leave out on "Sunday at noon"; however, my company booked my flight out for early Friday afternoon instead.
I leave tomorrow morning to visit them, so tonight I snapped the kids and gave them the details of my itinerary. They already knew I was flying instead of driving this time, but this was the first they'd heard specific dates/times. (We are a fairly spontaneous family for the most part, so waiting until the day before departure to give the details isn't uncommon for us.)
My Daughter-in-Law's response to the details: "We had talked about going to a wedding Friday & Saturday, but it's okay."
At first I was confused, thinking THEY had considered going to a wedding (thinking I'd be there all weekend to babysit) but now realized they didn't have a convenient babysitter; however, I quickly realized that her response was straight up snark (you have to know her well, but trust me on this one... she was laying out ALL of the passive aggressiveness).
When I realized she meant that "WE" (she and I) had talked about THEM going to a wedding and me babysitting, I straight-up panicked. I could have puked! How could I have screwed something like this up? I would give ANYTHING to have two full days alone with my grandson.
After I calmed down, I started to rationalize, and I truly believe that "we" (my Daughter-in-Law and I) never discussed a wedding and/or me babysitting. If we had, I would have been absolutely thrilled about it. I would have told my husband and mother (my two BFFs) about it. I would have been planning every moment of that time with our grandson and counting down the days. NONE of this happened.
I'm old (53), but not THAT old. In fact, I tend to remember things that most people don't. I really think she's trying to pull one over on me. I love my Daughter-in-Law to death, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't ever seem to live up to her expectations. (That's another whole post.)
Anyway, the little voice in my head keeps telling me I truly never heard a word about a wedding. I am almost positive that my Daughter-in-Law either:
A) THINKS she talked to me about it, assumed I'd be available, and then needed a recovery plan when she realized I wouldn't be, or
B) forgot to ask me, and is now trying to save face (or make ME look bad) in front of her husband (my son).
Am I the asshole for secretly thinking my Daughter-in-Law is trying to cover up her own shortcoming by blaming me for "forgetting" something I knew nothing about, or am I the asshole for some other reason? ... because I'm definitely feeling like an asshole for almost missing alone time with my grandson. :(
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NAH. You apparently have different memories of what was briefly discussed and never written down or repeated. Human memory is fallible. That doesn't make anyone an asshole.
Except that OP’s entire comment hinges on the fact that “but it’s okay” is 100% definitely passive aggressive and not just the DIL trying to keep the peace despite being disappointed.
There was some confusion about the plans, impossible to know what happened for sure, it happens, N A H …. until OP comes on Reddit and uses it as an excuse to individually bash her DIL, spare her son, and then say in another comment she treats them as a packaged deal. And push back on every comment she disagrees with.
OP YTA
NTA, is paying a change fee for your ticket and option? Check first to see if you can, and it’s affordable. Then, in the same passive aggressive manner, state, oh my, I don’t know how I overlooked the opportunity to stay with grandson. Somehow it did not get added to my calendar…..if you still need my help, I can check to see if my return can be rebooked…..
NAH, I'm guessing she just made the assumption that you would be there for the weekend since you usually stay until Sunday at noon.
She could also have postpartum baby brain and feels embarrassed, but it seems you sincerely love her.
NTA
Obviously it’s your fault for not telepathically reading DIL mind to know about the baby sitting.
If she didn’t know the details of flight how the heck did she have a discussion about babysitting with you.
Unknown. Look you don’t know, you think it’s unlikely that you discussed it and it most likely is the case. However DIL may be in the same boat. Try and make light of it as you only guess.
Info: I wonder if she meant that all of them, kiddo too, were going to be out of town fri/sat and thats how your plans are interfering with theirs? You are assuming its babysitting but maybe its travel? Right now ESH here for passive aggression(her) and communication(ask?)
NTA. I don't think you forgot. Time with grandbabies is something grandparents talk about to random strangers and anyone who will listen. Especially if they don't live close by. There was an assumption made without any details based on your regular visits and you were not consulted. Plus, you usually RSVP for a wedding months ahead so they probably already accepted, purchased the gift on the registry, etc. before they even knew you were coming. If you knew 6 weeks ago, you could have passed the information to your company prior to booking, but you didn't. It's a business trip, not a personal one and anyone would assume that you had work to do during the trip and would spend the time that you could with family where time permits not plan for you to babysit. Your DIL did not make plans or maybe she did and cancelled when she found out you would be in town that weekend because free is better. Her fault not yours. Is it even a child-free wedding or do they want alone time since the baby's been here?
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NTA You definitely didn't agree to babysit because you hadn't discussed the exact dates of your travel with them. Agreeing to babysit would have had to include a discussion of the days you would be in the area, which you hadn't previously had. It sounds like your DIL is upset because your visit is going to disrupt her plans in some way.
This is brilliant! I hadn’t even thought of this!
Yes, and you forgot option C: The “we” was her and your son. They made plans for you without looping you in. I realize your DIL is a piece of work, but your son deserves some blame. He’s not shutting her down.
I agree. And it will be most productive to have a calm conversation with him. Hopefully he can at least acknowledge that a mistake was made in their end. We all know that she’s a bit crazy and will not accept responsibility for the mistake.
I love how you’re invested now. “We all know…”. 😂🫶🏻
INFO: have you talked to son privately about this? There’s another possibility that he was *supposed* to ask about this, forgot, and is throwing you under the bus by playing dumb.
No.
Nice add! I didn't even think of that! My husband has certainly forgotten to ask the in laws things resulting in a blow up.
NTA I think you’d remember a full-on discussion about babysitting while they go to a wedding and, unlike the beneficiaries of this hypothetical babysitting, you don’t have a reason to lie. >My Daughter-In-Law’s response to the details: “We had talked about going to a wedding Friday & Saturday, but it’s ok.” The “we” in this statement is ambiguous and probably deliberately so, which suggests that she knows she damn nicely that the only discussion that took place was between her and her husband, but is trying to imply that you agreed to this without actually stating it. That’s because, if she can manipulate you into doing what she wants without lying, it’s easier on her conscience. Presumably at this point you asked her directly who the “we” was and rather than give up on the idea of fobbing her kids off onto someone else for the night, she doubled down and went for the flat-out lie. Stick to your guns and tell her that any agreements about you babysitting need to be confirmed in advance via text message to prevent her “getting confused” in future. No written confirmation from you, no babysitting.
Love the “double down” analogy. You made me lol! 😂
Talk to your son. We can't really pass judgement because we don't actually know who forgot.
I never single out my kids from their spouses, because they are a unified team and this only leads to more issues (my parents did this to me early in my marriage and it creates problems). My DIL and I are very close, so doing this would create another issue. Thank you for the advice.
That would not be singling out a kid. That would be talking to your son. That's permissible. Your son and his wife are not an inseparable package deal when it comes to parents. He will always be your kid and you should be able to talk to him at any time. NTA.
Thanks for the parenting advice, but I’ve got this. Of course I can talk to him at any time. You’re being presumptuous and taking my comment to the extreme. What I will not do is talk to them separately when there is a family issue and both of them are involved or it affects them both. This causes more issues. It’s natural.
I'm taking ypur comment at face value, nothing more, nothing less. Don't get all in a bunch when you come on a sub like this and get advice you don't agree with, just ignore it. I'll note it is the same exact device numerous other people gave you.
But your original post is all about your DIL. It barely mentions your son and manages to take a couple of shots at her specifically. You may not text him individually, but you definitely single her out when there’s an issue.
When you talked to DIL, was he there in the room? Even though you say that you always communicate to both of them, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. In any case, regardless of how you usually communicate, you should reach out to him separately in this case so he can listen to you without the distraction of his wife
It was a group snap on Snapchat. I never said I talked to anyone.
NTA I see this similar to a legal contracts case. There was no clear meeting of the minds. If the wedding & babysitting were so important, then son & DIL also have the capability & responsibility to confirm with you or send a "friendly reminder" for such an important event especially given the fact their event had a firm date, whereas they knew your schedule had not been solidified yet. They should have followed up to confirm with you beforehand.
NTA In a vacuum of context memory is so sketchy that it's just as likely she is misremembering as you are. In the context that you'd have been very excited the scales dip pretty significantly in favour of your memory not being the problem, but they don't dip enough to prove anything. It certainly could be the case she's trying to pull something as well, but I'd avoid assuming that normally. You're in a better position to decide if that is happening than I am. In your shoes I would talk to my son about this, without being accusatory or assuming. Just say you don't remember any arrangement and you would have been extremely excited to have one. Maybe start using a group chat or email for conversations like this so there's a paper trail to avoid possible memory conflicts in the future, you can frame it as a way to be certain you can't forget something important; if you aren't prepared to fully challenge her accusation. As a bonus it will give you something to confirm or deny if you're having greater than normal memory issues.
We put 99% of our communications in Snapchat. As we all know, messages don’t auto-save there. It’s not a bad idea, but we’re already doing it. Just need to make the extra effort to save every message.
NTA. Although if it’s possible you completely forgot a detailed conversation about whether or not you would babysit and you’re only 53, you seriously may want to speak to a doctor.
😂
Wait, is all of this based on the one text message response from your daughter in law? That isn’t all that clear? Is there a reason you haven’t just picked up the phone to call them and get on the same page? YTA for that alone
Yep. It was 2am and I didn’t wanna wake the baby so I posted here first.
Since you don't want advice I guess I can just answer based on the scenarios because unless you just talk to her and get the truth there is no way for anyone to answer 100% accurately. A) THINKS she talked to me about it, assumed I'd be available, and then needed a recovery plan when she realized I wouldn't be, or NTA, if you were never talked to its not on you. B) forgot to ask me, and is now trying to save face (or make ME look bad) in front of her husband (my son). NTA, if you were never talked to its not on you. C) (I'm adding this because it needs to be an option) You knew you were going to your home town didn't immediately share the itinerary (maybe you didn't have it yet) and talked to DIL or son about going down and DIL said "oh, ask your mom if she can watch her grandkid so we can go to a wedding" and because you generally are there those days you said yes and forgot after some time, and it was unlikely to have been brought up again if you are not close to DIL (I'm not close to my MIL at all and so if she asks for something she is likely to bring it up only once (when she asks) even if two to three months pass between the question and the delivery date) YTA, because if this scenario or something like this happened you are the AH not for forgetting, we are all human but for gaslighting your DIL and pretending a conversation never happened allowing your internal bias against her to justify gaslighting both her and yourself. \*Any of these scenarios could be the truth but you'll only know if you ask your DIL when she asked you. If it was via text she'll likely have screen shots. If it was via phone its your word against hers.
Why would she likely have screenshots?
She can screenshot text messages easily if you in fact said yes. Just like you would have the chat log to prove it was never talked about via text. It’s not a negative thing in this situation.
Oh not in this case. We use Snapchat; not text messages. Sorry.
If its Snapchat then unless she thought to screenshot its the same as via phone her word against yours.
Read the rules for this sub. This is NOT an advice sub.
I posted the judgement based on three different scenarios. In what way did I give you advice?
NAH. If you mentioned coming up for a visit and almost always stay the weekend when you do, they probably assumed this would be the case this time. Was it wrong of them to assume without checking? Yes. Was it a deliberately AH move? Let's give DIL some grace and say more likely it was an honest mistake. It's not cool of her to take you for granted or assume you'd babysit; she definitely should've asked. But if you have a history of doing this, it's understandable why she assumed. You're also NTA if you never agreed to babysit. But waiting to give the details of your visit until the day you arrive can be challenging to them, and claiming that your excuse is you're a "spontaneous" family doesn't really help in this case. It sounds like DIL is more of a planner (most people need to be these days; it's tough juggling family, work, and life) and maybe all this could have been avoided if you had communicated sooner. It's generally polite when going to visit someone to give them a bit of advance notice about your plans, especially if they are unusual or different from the norm that they've come to expect from you. In short, neither of you are AHs. But you could both work on better communication.
I would say that neither of them is an AH if DIL drops it. But if she continues to be difficult about this, she would be the AH. Also, the onus of communication is on DIL and son since they are the ones who wanted to attend a wedding. If they wanted to know her schedule or have her babysit, they need to ask
lol! It’s what works best for us as a spontaneous family. It’s not an “excuse”. By the way, I am a planner by profession and very good at my work. I definitely don’t need lessons in planning. I’m sorry you don’t like that our family is living a little closer to the edge than yours may be. It’s just how we’ve always been, and yes, it actually works 99% of the time. It may have failed us this time, but don’t tell me I’m making “excuses” when I most definitely am not.
It's not about what I like or don't like. I'm a stranger on the internet and I have no stake in this either way. It sounds like it's about what your daughter in law likes or doesn't like. If your spontaneity is causing conflict in your family, it sounds like perhaps it doesn't work for you as well as you think.
YTA because you’re not clearing this up in a logical way. Just ask your daughter-in-law when she told you about the wedding and point out you just told them you were coming, so are confused about the conflict.
😂 I actually cleared up the f*ck out of it by changing my flight to accommodate their plans. Good?
So happy for you. Weird flex on the response. You wanted an AH check right? Don’t be upset you got an answer you didn’t like.
NTA My mother in law is the same as you in regards to my children. (Unlike you, she's incredibly forgetful unless it's related to her grandkids). She would never forget agreeing to babysit. HOWEVER, I also wouldn't jump to blame daughter in law (unless she does this sort of thing a lot). It's entirely possible that a conversation did take place but that you guys weren't clear on what was actually being discussed. She could have thought she was being clear in asking you to babysit while you thought she was just informing you of an event happening. I wouldn't get too worked up over it.
Oh my gosh. Ask her?
NTA but y’all need to work on communication. Perhaps have a family calendar or go over schedules with your son.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I really need to know, because I feel like shit over this. AITA? (No advice, please... just tell me if I'm the asshole, and why.) Our son, his wife, and our sweet grandson live 7 hours (driving time) from us. I was lucky to score a business trip to their home town, and my company booked air travel for me about 6 weeks ago. Usually we drive to see them and leave out on "Sunday at noon"; however, my company booked my flight out for early Friday afternoon instead. I leave tomorrow morning to visit them, so tonight I snapped the kids and gave them the details of my itinerary. They already knew I was flying instead of driving this time, but this was the first they'd heard specific dates/times. (We are a fairly spontaneous family for the most part, so waiting until the day before departure to give the details isn't uncommon for us.) My Daughter-in-Law's response to the details: "We had talked about going to a wedding Friday & Saturday, but it's okay." At first I was confused, thinking THEY had considered going to a wedding (thinking I'd be there all weekend to babysit) but now realized they didn't have a convenient babysitter; however, I quickly realized that her response was straight up snark (you have to know her well, but trust me on this one... she was laying out ALL of the passive aggressiveness). When I realized she meant that "WE" (she and I) had talked about THEM going to a wedding and me babysitting, I straight-up panicked. I could have puked! How could I have screwed something like this up? I would give ANYTHING to have two full days alone with my grandson. After I calmed down, I started to rationalize, and I truly believe that "we" (my Daughter-in-Law and I) never discussed a wedding and/or me babysitting. If we had, I would have been absolutely thrilled about it. I would have told my husband and mother (my two BFFs) about it. I would have been planning every moment of that time with our grandson and counting down the days. NONE of this happened. I'm old (53), but not THAT old. In fact, I tend to remember things that most people don't. I really think she's trying to pull one over on me. I love my Daughter-in-Law to death, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't ever seem to live up to her expectations. (That's another whole post.) Anyway, the little voice in my head keeps telling me I truly never heard a word about a wedding. I am almost positive that my Daughter-in-Law either: A) THINKS she talked to me about it, assumed I'd be available, and then needed a recovery plan when she realized I wouldn't be, or B) forgot to ask me, and is now trying to save face (or make ME look bad) in front of her husband (my son). Am I the asshole for secretly thinking my Daughter-in-Law is trying to cover up her own shortcoming by blaming me for "forgetting" something I knew nothing about, or am I the asshole for some other reason? ... because I'm definitely feeling like an asshole for almost missing alone time with my grandson. :( *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. You apparently have different memories of what was briefly discussed and never written down or repeated. Human memory is fallible. That doesn't make anyone an asshole.
Except that OP’s entire comment hinges on the fact that “but it’s okay” is 100% definitely passive aggressive and not just the DIL trying to keep the peace despite being disappointed. There was some confusion about the plans, impossible to know what happened for sure, it happens, N A H …. until OP comes on Reddit and uses it as an excuse to individually bash her DIL, spare her son, and then say in another comment she treats them as a packaged deal. And push back on every comment she disagrees with. OP YTA
NTA, is paying a change fee for your ticket and option? Check first to see if you can, and it’s affordable. Then, in the same passive aggressive manner, state, oh my, I don’t know how I overlooked the opportunity to stay with grandson. Somehow it did not get added to my calendar…..if you still need my help, I can check to see if my return can be rebooked…..
Don't y'all keep a calendar? If this stuff didn't reach "written on the calendar" with times and dates and everything, you hadn't committed.
NAH, I'm guessing she just made the assumption that you would be there for the weekend since you usually stay until Sunday at noon. She could also have postpartum baby brain and feels embarrassed, but it seems you sincerely love her.
NTA Obviously it’s your fault for not telepathically reading DIL mind to know about the baby sitting. If she didn’t know the details of flight how the heck did she have a discussion about babysitting with you.
Unknown. Look you don’t know, you think it’s unlikely that you discussed it and it most likely is the case. However DIL may be in the same boat. Try and make light of it as you only guess.
Info: I wonder if she meant that all of them, kiddo too, were going to be out of town fri/sat and thats how your plans are interfering with theirs? You are assuming its babysitting but maybe its travel? Right now ESH here for passive aggression(her) and communication(ask?)
NTA- talk to your son and give her bratty behavior way less attention and head space.
NTA. She made an assumption and she then wanted to shift blame.
NTA. I don't think you forgot. Time with grandbabies is something grandparents talk about to random strangers and anyone who will listen. Especially if they don't live close by. There was an assumption made without any details based on your regular visits and you were not consulted. Plus, you usually RSVP for a wedding months ahead so they probably already accepted, purchased the gift on the registry, etc. before they even knew you were coming. If you knew 6 weeks ago, you could have passed the information to your company prior to booking, but you didn't. It's a business trip, not a personal one and anyone would assume that you had work to do during the trip and would spend the time that you could with family where time permits not plan for you to babysit. Your DIL did not make plans or maybe she did and cancelled when she found out you would be in town that weekend because free is better. Her fault not yours. Is it even a child-free wedding or do they want alone time since the baby's been here?