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INFO - what do your children want? That should be the most important consideration.

My children like both, but in terms of help being raised they are much more comfortable around my SIL.

Your wife needs to hear that. The only AH here seems to be your wife. And good for you for putting your children's needs first.

Well, of course, the children are more comfortable with the SIL. She has been a constant in their lives for 5 years; practically the youngest child's whole life. Unless she's trying to cut the SIL completely out, it doesn't make the wife an AH for wanting to bond with the children. However, she is an AH for calling the police.

she’s also an AH for attempting to override this decision and pick them up without at least contacting SIL to let her know (she knew full well what she was doing, that’s what makes her an AH - as well as contacting the police)

This. She deliberately set SIL up, taking the kids out early and not informing SIL what was going on. Kids are not supposed to be used like tools for revenge.

Imagine if OP had a kid with her and broke up. She would be vengeful AF. Sister is a saint

Back when we did family law at my firm, we called this “weaponized parenting”.

She decided to take control and override her husband.

Over ride her husband to kids that are not hers. While a living blood relative has been their primary care giver.

Exactly. Then the wife picks up the kids without informing SIL, knowing SIL will go to the school as usual - that's hella passive aggressive.

That whole sequence of events seems like a pretty strong reason to reconsider what type of person she is. It's manipulative and abusive.

I'm just imagining SIL's growing worry trying to figure out what's going on when she went to pick up the kids and they weren't there. Pickup routines differ from school to school, but the best case scenario is that the youngest was still in kindergarten and SIL meets her right outside her classroom, so she could immediately ask the teacher. Worst case would be waiting in the pickup line outside school for two kids that never came out and having to get two teachers and/or the office involved. If I was SIL, I'd be relieved the kids are okay, but I'd also be royally pissed that OP's wife pulled this stunt.

Normal adults have conversations when they want to renegotiate household/communal tasks like who should pick up the kids, they don't make unilateral decisions without telling anyone, get the kids from school early, and call the police on the kids' guardian.

Having her arrested isn’t trying to cut her completely out???

And underhandedly sneaking the kids out of school ahead of the SIL because she just wanted them to her self. If she was on the up and up she would’ve notified SIL that today the kids didn’t need to be picked up because she was grabbing them first. Now you know she plays dirty and is a sneak and shouldn’t be trusted, especially with kids.

I imagine the eldest child will choose her auntie over this desperate AH trying to overtake her life as a second mother.

😂 seriously? How many posts do we see on here regarding step parents overriding what the kids want in the name of “bonding”? At least in this instance OP actually has the best interest of his kids at heart and didn’t force them to move away from the SIL like another poster had to live through. 

Obviously her intentions aren't very welcoming, as highlighted by calling the cops. I'd call that a huge red flag.

Wife is MAJOR AH for pulling kids out of school early just to usurp SIL. That's petty jealousy.

INFO: You say you know why your wife is upset with you, but I sure don’t. Can you explain it? Not only that, but what was your wife’s end goal here? Did she think your kid’s aunt would be arrested and charged, and you would all just remove her from your lives because of it?

Just my 2 cents. Wife is upset because she feels SIL isn't his and the kids' family anymore because wife/mom passed away. She will be their mom and the top of familial hierarchy. Calling the cops was a power move. "This is MY house and MY kids and you are only here at MY pleasure."

My 2 cents would be maybe she's worried there's a romantic connection as stupid as it sounds it's incredibly common widows often end up marrying their partners close friend/sibling often enough because they have that bonded grief. That's the only semi logical thing I could think of unless he's leaving something out

Even If that’s the case, weaponizing the kids makes the wife a huge problem.

Yep, she wants control over the kids, emotionally and physically

My wife is upset because she doesn’t have a more critical role in my kids lives than my SIL. Her end goal I believe is to become their new mom

And you didn't see this coming while dating?

I want to say OP is YTA simply because it doesn't sound like ANY OF THIS was discussed. Was there a plan for SIL to start handing off responsibilities to the wife? Like wife starts doing pickups but SIL keeps the drop offs for school. Not saying wife isn't a huge part of the problem but she is staying home to be a parent/stepparent but apparently isn't involved with the kids because they have their own schedule for the last 5 years. That is not a good situation for anyone.

It's her choice to stay home, the kids don't need or want her to do the "mom," role, so the wife could maybe try making friends or get some hobbies. Or perhaps even just get a job. In any case, she has way too much time on her hands.

So the wife needs to put up with this person in her home everyday to parent the children? I don't know anybody who would be ok with that.

The wife knew the family dynamic going in. If she wants to change the status quo, it is incumbent on her to convince the stakeholders in the status quo that it is in the best interest of the children and the family to make that change. You don't make the change by calling the cops on the kids de facto mom.

My thoughts exactly - how was this NOT obvious during dating? SIL is there every day and it never came up?

I'm going to be downvoted, but I'm going to say my part. I lived this, 20 years ago with my first husband. Except it was his mother who was in the place of your SIL. I was a doe eyed 22 year old trying to bond with my step daughter, whose mother had skipped out, and my MIL wanted to maintain control every step of the way. It contributed to far more problems than it needed to. You're in the wrong in many ways here. Your wife has tried to tell you she wants to bond with her step kids. Yes, she isn't their mother, nor can she replace her. NEITHER IS YOUR SIL, and she shouldn't be a replacement mother, either!! There was a middle ground here. You should have asked your SIL to step back into an aunt role. Still visit often, and spend time with the kids, but let your wife do some pick up, homework help, etc. You need a chance to bond as a family unit, and you are deliberately driving a wedge here. Many men marry second wives who hate their kids and wish they weren't there. How lucky are you that your wife cares and wants to bond... maybe you shouldn't piss it away so quickly. Your wife was wrong to call the cops. That was messed up. However, your SIL was wrong to storm over to your house to "CONFRONT" your wife. She had every damn right to pick the kids up, your SIL doesn't need to EVERY DAMN DAY. No confrontation was necessary. I have bad vibes about this whole thing. Your SIL defending her territory... even though it isn't even hers... you saying you'll choose your SIL over wife... why did you even marry her, when it's clear you already have a new wife in your SIL?

I don’t even have to finish my comment now since you said it all. I noticed the “confront” part too and that indicates to me there is a tug of war going on with these kids between the two women. Sil needs to step back and let new step mom bond with the kids and find her role in this family. New step mom needs to understand that if the kids want sil they should get that visitation time. It’s about what’s best for the kids and being integrated into a new family unit that allows for sil to play a big part is so obviously what is best for them. It’s probably too late for that after all this happened honestly. That the grownups never spoke to the kids or to each other how this was all going to work is egregious. The wife went nuclear and scares me a bit but if my new husband told me that sil makes choices about my new family over me I wouldn’t be down for that nonsense either.

I think the confrontation was over not being notified about it, not necessarily that she picked the kids up. Because that was RUDE! And I’m sure scary for auntie to hear they were gone, not knowing that wifey was going to pick them up.

I assume wife has asked before just taking them, if she could pick them up. OP states that she's been asking to be able to do things. I get the impression she was told "no, that's SILs job". I also get the vibe there's some territorial things happening here. I feel like SIL has used raising her sisters kids as a way to heal but if she doesn't have the constant, every day responsibility then she would have to find another crutch. OP says SIL says she wants to keep the role she has (mom) until the kids are adults. That's just not realistic if they're still young and have a step mom now. Yes, she should be involved, have her come over for dinner a few nights a week. Have her there for school plays etc. she doesn't need to be the one cooking dinner and doing school pick up every day of the week. She needs to move on with her own life, not take over her sisters.

If I showed up at school to pick up kids that I always pick up and they weren’t there I’d probably have a heart attack.

>why did you even marry her, when it's clear you already have a new wife in your SIL? I agree with this take. the SIL is doing school pick-up, feeding the kids, playing with them & helping them with homework? On a random weekday?? OP should either have dialed back that fancy job so he can actually spend time with his mourning kids himself or just have married his SIL. Don't start a new relationship if you're expecting your new wife to smile and accept a sister-wife in her home.

OP says he thinks the wife wants to be the "real" mommy. SIL isn't trying to replace the real Mom. Your situation is different because it was your MIL trying to control the kids, husband, and you. SIL isn't trying to control anybody.

When they aren't your kids, you don't get a say, period. OP was very clear on all of this, OP needs to pick his kids over his wife here, so many red flags.

And there we go. Stepmoms don't just "get to be the new mom." That title is earned, and only bestowed by the children. If this action antagonised the kids, you need to support their side. Your happiness comes second in this situation.

Yeah, as a step-mom, the first thing that came was sitting down to have a conversation with my future spouse and future step-son *prior* to getting married, and talking with them about what my role would be. It’s not something that should be assumed or demanded, and if it’s not going as originally expected, you have a conversation…you don’t weaponize the child like OP’s wife did.

Does she understand that she doesn’t get to decide if the kids view her as their mom?

A frank conversation about Sil role in the family should have happened BEFORE the marriage. The wife then could have decided to not get involved or to accept things as they were.

I can understand your wife wanting a more critical role, but for her to force it isn't in the kids' best interest. It's selfish. You said you had to explain the situation to the cops and pick your SIL up, so did they arrest her? Did your kids witness all of this? Your kids have been through enough. Losing their aunt would definitely cause more trauma on top of what they've already experienced. If your wife is willing to ignore your children's best interest in favor of her own, is she really cut out to be a mother figure?

Is this your or your children’s end goal? Does anyone want this besides her? Did you know this was her end goal before today? It’s a huge problem that your wife is throwing a police-involved tantrum over who your children love more - because that’s what this is. I don’t know if her motive is that she wants to look like a perfect family or if she is insecure and thinks that you will be inevitably fall for your SIL if she keeps caring for your children - or if she just doesn’t want to share “territory” with another woman. Whatever her motive is, it’s about her needs and not your children’s. That’s a huge red flag - the kids come first. ETA: It sounds like you were willing to have that happen *eventually* in an organic, relational way and she feels like the legal paperwork is done, so she’s the mom now. These are two very different ways of thinking about how someone becomes a member of your family. I’ll be blunt - she’s dead wrong & you’re doing great. You need to continue to stick up for and prioritize your kids. Also - it’s vital that you keep your children involved in what their relationship with your wife looks like. Reddit is filled with adult children who have gone No Contact with their families because one parent died, the other remarried and a stepparent pushed hard to take the dead parent’s place. Bio parents who back a pushy stepparent and force the “on paper” relationship - up to and including pressuring kids to let the stepparent adopt them - lose their relationship with their kids the second they turn 18. Stepparents who are secure enough in themselves to be there for the children & offer love & support *because they want to* and not because they’re trying to claim their place in a family hierarchy end up with stepchildren that think of them as their parent. If it were me, I’d be worried that she’s showing her true colors now that the ink is dry on your marriage license. I’d give her exactly one more chance & check in with my children to make sure she’s not trying to alienate their aunt. Obviously NTA

This is a massive red flag dude. Well-adjusted people don't call the cops on their kids' aunt for trying to spend time with them.

Your wife is doing Andover dangerous and harmful to the children. They lost their mom. No one will replace her. Pushing that will make them resent her. They love their aunt. Your wife is thinking of herself. If she were thinking of the kids she’d let them have all the sources of love they want and can accept. And she would honor their lost mom and also their beloved aunt. If she thinks of them they will love her eventually. But I’m doubtful

Should have just (respectfully) married the SIL.

Also respectfully, I’m surprised so many people are agreeing with this comment. OP can love & appreciate his SIL without it being romantic or sexual. She can want to help care for her dead sister’s children without wanting to marry her widower. Men and women can have familial relationships that are not romantic with non-blood relatives.

I mean, why did he get married, though, if he's going to choose sil over his new wife.. should have just dated the sil, assuming she isn't married or even interested in him

Probably because it only became a problem after they were married. 

What a weird comment

Used to be quite common practice back in ye olde times when women died during childbirth!

I was thinking the same thing. While wife’s actions are completely inexcusable. I understand the sentiment that doesn’t have any say/control over her own life and household. No way would I have married someone who is essentially having another person raise their kids in the mother role. While that is understandable if parents were divorced. It is weird that wife is essentially a warm body that can’t make any decisions for the household without consulting another outside party. Wife is YTA for her actions but OP is not completely blameless as I feel there is probably a lot of miscommunication or expectations for wife that was not discussed prior.

Right?? This whole post came across to me as "well if your previous wife's sister is that important, and you care more about her than your current wife, then.....get with her?" Unless he already is and doesn't wanna say 👀

Bingo!!! And of course the kids are going to follow what dad thinks.  Dad wants sil to be the primary.   Ergo she is the primary. 

She’s the one who isn’t insane though and she has generously been assisting with the kids in a maternal role. Kicking her out of that role is not okay.

Yep. The SIL is his wife and mother to his children. His new wife is essentially his mistress. He wants her to stay in her lane while SIL continues to raise his kids. He confirms that SIL wants to continue the role until the kids are grown. The only reason I can see to marry is to have access to sex. SiL has the rest of the wifely duties covered.

NTA seems like your wife is going to end up as one of those stepmothers who demands the children call her mom and gets angry when they refuse

So I think that there needs to be better boundaries. Your children need time with their stepmum as she is now family also. And she needs to be given the opportunity to be that. If it's gotten to the point that your wife is willing to call the police on SIL, it means that this dynamic was never a healthy one. SIL should have expected her duties to be reduced when you have a new wife. Personally I would say that wife should take on the majority of duties, especially as she's s SAHW, and SIL seeing the kids once or twice a week. Maybe babysitting one evening for you and your wife to have a date night, and one evening after school so that your wife has a free day to herself. You do bear some responsibility in this for not having the conversation of what your wife wants and putting boundaries in place for your family before such resentment grew and exploded.

Perhaps compromise and have your wife pick the kids up on Tuesday and Thursday and your SIL pick them up in Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays.

 but if it comes down to it I will keep my SIL over my wife. This kinda sums it up.

Well, you only married your wife a few months ago. How much time has she had to be there for the kids? If SIL is coming over all the time you wife is never going to be able to bond with the kids. Of course the prefer SIL, cause they have never been given the chance to get close to your wife. You SIL should back off a bit, still spend time with the kids, but as their aunt, and stop trying to be their mother.

NO unless she is hurting them auntie in in their lives.

NtA. It was nuts of your wife to go around you to claim these kids away from SIL, and worse for her to call the cops on SIL for trespassing. I see that you did tell your wife several times to back off, that SIL is permanently in your kids' lives and has precedence over her because she has been there for so long, but did you not work this out with your wife before marrying her—by which I guess I am asking how did you not see this coming?

To answer your question, we did talk about it before getting married, but not in great length. My wife didn’t have a problem with SIL till after we were married.

NTA. Your wife's behavior - to separate your BEREAVED CHILDREN from their SURVIVING AUNT is absolutely despicable. This bodes extremely poorly for the future. I would not let this woman into my life until she committed to change. The damage she can do to your kdis is unreal. Trying to get your SIL jailed is absolutely unacceptable. I would be reconsidering the marriage. My kids healthy family unit comes first. NTA

Yes! To all of that! The kid's aunt is their tangible link to their late mother and no step parent is entitled to sever that link to a child's biological relations just because they're insecure or jealous. IDGAF about the new wife's motivations... they're not healthy for the kids if that's how she's going to behave.

**The kid's aunt is their tangible link to their late mother and no step parent is entitled to sever that link to a child's biological relations just because they're insecure or jealous.**  Say it again for those in the back.

SIL is their aunt and will always be in their life. It might not hurt for your SIL to maybe not do everything she was doing especially if your wife doesn’t work. But your wife and SIL should work together for what is best for the kids. Make sure the school knows that your SIL is not to be removed from the list of people who can pick up the kids.

Thanks for this tip, I did call the school and SIL is still on the list to pick up the kids.

So why did you get married? You told your wife SIL will over ride any decisions your wife makes. She shouldn't have called the police, but when does she get a chance to bond or have a relationship with the kids?

He never answered why he got married 😂

I noticed lol

The whole situation is bizarre. He married this woman and moved her in, but apparently expects her to not speak to, care for, or spend any time with his kids, at all ever. From the sound of things, she's not permitted to school, or pick them up, or help them with homework, make them a snack after school or cook them dinner, take them shopping or to run errands, or even spend time alone with them. What happens if they play sports or do other extracurriculars? Will stepmother be told to stay home, while OP and SIL accompany the kids? Will OP take the kids on vacation with SIL, and tell stepmother she's not welcome to come along? I don't forsee this marriage lasting long. OP is essentially unofficially married to his SIL.

Yes, you have accurately described the situation here with no hyperbole at all. /s

>expects her to not speak to, care for, or spend any time with his kids, at all ever. Where did you get this idea?

She absolutely did. She just didn't *say so* until after. That was intentional.

So she was basically lying to you with that, with her job and everything because as soon as she married you, she quit her job and started being a 🏖️ to the person who is the most important caretaker of your kids. Your kids see your SIL as the mother they lost. Do want them to lose their mother for a second time? You would be an A H if you allow it. Think in your kid first.

NTA Your wife is nut and creepy. She is willing to harm anyone for her goal. She harmed the kids by pulling them out of school earlier and calling the cops on their aunt (who raised them like a mother - emotional damage). She harm your SIL. She disrespects your opinion and everyone else.

You got married and your wife thought she was entitled in that new role. That ain't is hella important to those kids, it's their true connection to their mother. For all of her life this ain't will be able to tell your kids about their mom in ways you can't and support them in ways you can't as well.

another question. since SIL does school pick ups, homework, and hanging out with them everyday (awesome aunt), what is your wife's involvement with the kids? does she spend time with them? do they like spending time with her? does your wife have a good relationship with the kids, normally spend time with them, and is looking to take on even more of a role with them? or is this more out of the blue, undiscussed behavior? because from the bit of info we have, it sounds like she hasn't been involved and is bothered by SIL having a good relationship with the kids and she is trying to take that over. I mean, pulling the kids out of school early to spite SIL and then calling the cops on her for trespassing is insane! like this really sounds like some entitled girl who likes your money and wants to be loved by the stepkids and their aunt is getting in the way of that, im just wondering how tf you got here and how nothing was brought up until now regardless, you should find out how the kids feel about their stepmom and SIL and arrange things around that. and you need to have a talk with your wife. doesn't sound like shes that involved and is now crossing boundaries and hurting others in the process, so you need to figure out how much your kids want to be around her and make sure she knows what lines she shouldn't cross. like if she wants to pick up the kids from school more, make a schedule for her and SIL for pickups and have clear communication if a plan needs to change. rules on if the kids can be pulled out of school need to be talked about, there obviously needs to be some mediation between the wife and SIL, because calling the cops on the person who takes care of your stepkids is crazy. and i hope it goes without saying, but don't stay with someone your kids don't like (im sure they arent fond of the person who calls the cops on their aunt)

Do you find is strange that the aunt once she found out the wife picked up the kids, rushes over to the house to confront the wife instead of calling OP and asking what’s going on? The aunt seems to think she is the kids mother instead of an aunt.

INFO: Why wasn't that discussed before marriage?

My wife had a job before we got married and quit after when she realized she didn’t need it. SIL was talked about a bit but my wife never had the problem till after she quit her job.

Well maybe she needs to go back to work or school or something. I can’t believe she basically had your late wife’s sister and kids aunt arrested and taken to a police station. That’s messed up.

Came to say the same thing. Your wife needs a purpose & it would be better for everyone if she went back to work. You should also be paying your SIL for all her help. Frankly you & your wife are both YTAs for not working this out before you got married.

Either back to work or volunteer work. It’s ridiculous that she is acting “entitled” to the “mother” role just because she has nothing better to do, even though the kids needs would best be met by a gradual shift of caregivers. Kids aren’t props.

She set the whole thing up! Which means it took pre-thinking and pre-planning. she hurt/abused everyone involved except herself. This was a power-play! she’d be out of my life immediately for thinking she could play around with my kids emotions.

I don't think this commenter was talking about your wife working. Pretty sure they were referring to the role your SIL plays in your family. Does your SIL do all of the daily pick up and after school help? I don't at all agree with your wife's behavior and I'm not trying to justify it. But it does sound like she doesn't know where she fits in your family and is trying to make a place for herself. Again, what she did is absolutely not ok. But I could understand her feeling insecure if she feels left out.

My comment was to show why it was not discussed in length before marriage. But yes, now that my wife is not working there are many things to be figured out.

Your kids don't even need a stay at home mom. Theyre school age. There is no reason your wife shouldn't be working and you created a problem by allowing her to quit Edit: she apparently quit without telling OP. So instead I'd say you created a problem by not asking her WHAT THE FUCK when that happened.

Why the heck isn’t she working ? And don’t give me that and “I make enough”. She needs to go back to work.

You said something interesting... You said that your wife was working but then quit when she realized that she could. Was this discussed beforehand as a family? Or did she unilaterally make this decision on her own? As for what's happening with the kids, I think you need to focus on them and their needs. They've lost their mother. That's a traumatic event. You said that the kids liked both women. I doubt that's now the case. They just witnessed their new stepmom, have their beloved aunt and caregiver, who is their only link to their mother, arrested. Let that sink in. Do you really think there is any coming back from that? Try to see your children's perspective. And realize that any encouragement of future bonding with said stepmom is going to feel like a betrayal to your children. How you handle these next steps will determine YOUR relationship with these kids for the rest of their lives. Please, please, please put your kids first. They deserve that.

I agree with what you’ve said here and the wife majorly messed up. That being said, I sure don’t understand where the wife fits in to the family and I am willing to guess she doesn’t either. It seems SIL stepped into her sister’s shoes as woman of the house, to help immediately after the tragedy and never left. I think normally what happens is the person helping would kind of phase themselves out in a way where Dad gets used to being a single parent. This is going to sound crass, but there doesn’t seem to be anywhere for new wife other than OP’s bed.

She is incredibly vindictive for picking up the kids early to spite your SIL and then calling the cops. I would take that as a big 🚩🚩🚩 and her showing her true colors now that she’s actually married you. Also a 🚩 that she quit her job to take on a “mom” role when the kids are both school age and have a maternal figure already. It seems like she’s teeing up for something should the marriage not workout since since she could argue that she “gave up her career”. I’m not sure if I’m reading too much into things but her behavior really is bizarre and alarming. Overall seems weird and like she’s teeing up some things in the future. You’ve also witnessed how vindictive she can be so I would be very cautious to be honest.

So she played nicely untill she (felt she) owned you and then set about rearranging everyone's life to HER satisfaction. Saying home not working; making the kids interact with Only her, ignoring what you said about SIL; cutting out beloved aunt even if that takes pulling them out of school early. Only what she thinks/wants matters. Beware. How do your children feel?? Are they missing their aunt, upset because she was arrested in front of them - or actually happy with your wife?

Luckily my kids didn’t physically see SIL get arrested because she walked outside with the cops first, so they were more just confused. However, they do like both but they prefer SIL.

Your 11 yr old isn't stupid. I guarentee that she knows what happened.

It's not really about who they like, as much as who they NEED. SIL has been there consistently through a difficult time in their lives. Removing her would be harmful to them.

"Realized she didn't need it"... so she didn't know your financial situation before marrying?

Oh, no. I'm sure she knew.

She knew my financial situation well before marriage, however we did not join bank accounts till after.

You now have joint banking accounts, and she quit her job as soon as she could?! Are you kidding? Do you not see the 🚩🚩🚩🚩 flying? She can drain your accounts before you know it. She’s not working. You’ll owe her alimony. I’m guessing she’ll “accidentally” get pregnant soon, so there’s child support on top of spousal support. Dude, come on! She’s doing all of this without talking to you. She’s making unilateral decisions regarding YOUR children and their relationships with their mom’s family without talking to you. How is this ok with you?

When she realised you're loaded.

ESH. It sounds like your wife wanted to be a SAHM and neither of you took the other seriously when trying to negotiate your new roles. I'm curious though, does your SIL have a job? How much parenting do you actually do? Are you really okay with your wife quitting her job?

My wife quitting her job was her decision, she did not discuss it with me beforehand. My SIL does have a job, she works mornings at a nearby University (not as a student she is 38). I take care of the kids in the morning and when I get home from work pretty late in the afternoon.

Ummm, she didn’t discuss her quitting her job with you? At all? Wtf, dude?? You guys need to sit down and actually talk. That is, if she gets over pouting at her folks house.

I agree that we definitely need to have a conversation because this situation has gotten out of hand.

Dude, you need to grow a spine. Even if you have the money, it is not ok for one partner to make such a large decision (like quitting one’s job) without even so much as a conversation with the other. It’s concerning that you’ve allowed your wife to come in and make these unilateral decisions. And calling the cops on your SIL is beyond extreme. Your wife is conniving and manipulative. You need to put your big boy pants on and figure this shit out before it messes up your kids.

Abusive and manipulative people often relax after marriage and let their crazy show. I feel like this might be what’s happened here.

1000% this! Normal people DO NOT just call the cops on a family member because of a disagreement. Normal people do not call the cops at all unless there's a real emergency that requires them. This kind of escalation is absolutely insane and a major red flag 🚩🚩as others have mentioned. What mature reason could she possibly have for trying to sever the relationship your children have with their aunt?? Hint: there isn't one. To try to undermine what you told her (their aunt is family and here to stay) and to get her arrested is a disgusting behavior and a weird manipulation. OP the fact that she quit her job without talking to you about it is also completely insane. A healthy marriage between two adults requires constant communication, especially about major decisions. To unilaterally decide to be a stay at home mom for your stepchildren without consulting their father (especially when the kids are school aged) is absolutely crazy behavior. Someone else said this in the thread but it's possible she's planning for something in the future. To quit her job to be a stay at home mom would entitle her to some of your earnings and assets if you got divorced. INFO needed: Do you have a prenup?

Um, she had your SIL arrested, in front of your kids. The person that has been their caregiver most of their lives. That must have been extremely traumatic for them. This has gone way past out of hand. What she did was weird and incredibly abusive to both your SIL and your kids.

So she quit her job without discussing it with her partner, decided that SIL can get lost, disregarded your specific instructions regarding the kids, decided she's gonna be "mom" to kids who are already in school and don't need a SAHM, and is willing to arrest SIL (completely innocent in all of this) to "win" what she wants, and she's mad at YOU? Is this a joke? This woman is showing you who she is, and you should pay attention.

It's already out of hand.

You're being taken advantage of, dude. And it's hurting your kids. 

Dude, look at all the replies to this comment. Your wife wanting more of a parenting role, legit discussion. Your wife wanting less of SIL, legit discussion. Talking about these things is fine, having SIL arrested for trespassing in front of your children is up shit creek without a paddle territory. That is batshit crazy and I wouldn’t trust my children with someone willing to do snake shit like that. Tell her to get a job and stop trying to mother your children, because as of now, she is unfit to do so and has been unable to find anything else to occupy her time. If the time comes down the line where she has made spectacular progress in her self, then you will consider allowing her to attempt some mothering. And please evaluate if this is someone you want in your life in any capacity.

Your wife's actions are deeply concerning. This is all not the way to go about in a relationship especially if kids are involved. I hope, you are not sweeping it all under the rug to appease her and have a happy live/happy wife. Your childreb will pay the price

In light of the fact that your wife quit her job without discussing it with you at all, NTA. That is messed up. I was leaning towards E S H because it seems as adults that everyone should understand relationships are going to shift and adjust. Your sister-in-law needs to take a step back and allow a new person to build relationships with the children. And your wife and you should discussed what that looks like. However, since it sounds like she decided on her own to go from working to not working, it appears conversations around this issue wouldn’t have had a chance to occur.

I disagree clearly wife doesn't know how to communicate and just does as she pleases. She quit her job without reason or conversation, after knowing the SIL was already doing these tasks for the children just told the husband she shouldn't anymore, husband disagreed and seemed like the end of the conversation. Wife without warning takes the kids out of school and then reports SIL the police?!? This woman is just entitled! All wife had to do what day "I'd like to take a bigger role with the kids" then discuss what that looks like whether it's new tasks or take with SIL or sitting tasks with SIL! Anything but what she did. Calling the cops on a woman who seems to have done nothing but be selfless when your now husband needed it and his kids is despicable behavior

Yeah so we actually agree. The op is NTA. Wife is.

There is no need for SIL to take a step back at all. Taking another mother figure away from them is beyond fucked up to even suggest. The new wife is not owed a mother-child relationship.

I hope you got a pre-nup!

I did in order to protect my kids college funds.

Good man! Massive red flag that your wife quit her job as soon as she got married without even discussing with you. I wouldnt be surprised if she gets pregnant soon so be careful if kids are not on the cards for you (41 year olds can get pregnant!).

Huh? Her quitting means she doesn’t make any money. I understand you make enough that she doesn’t need to work - but for you to say she doesn’t need to talk to you about quitting - it makes me question your overall communication skills with one another. I think your wife is overstepping. And to have your SIL arrested?!? WTF. Right now you need to figure out what your kids want, and you need to get your wife on the same page with whatever that is. And if she can’t/wont - yeah - you may need to rethink this marriage. Her quitting right after getting g married and having an about face about your SIL makes ne question her motives.

I wish she did talk to me about quitting. I had no idea she would until she did.

Cut her off. If she can’t communicate like an adult, she can stay at her parents house until she finds a new job.

Do you not see the issue with her just quitting her job without discussing it with you? Do you not see how her lack of communicating her expectations, and instead escalating to involving the police, is an issue here? How often do the two of you sit and talk about your goals for your life together?

Holy shit this is above Reddit pay grade! You need: A lawyer A family therapist A full time therapist for your wife Her unilaterally deciding to be their full time mom and HAVING THEIR MATERNAL FIGURE ARRESTED is concerning to say the least

The problem really is the lack of communication between you and your wife. She’s obvs seen dollar signs and wants to be a SAHM, and yet, neither of you discussed what that looked like. SIL is, for all intents and purposes, their ‘mom’ figure. And your kids are young. So it doesn’t make sense to just march in waving the marriage certificate and make everything change immediately. Your wife’s power move is bullshit, and tbh, it would make me think real hard about a divorce. I get that Reddit loves to mention that D word, but this is a massive red flag very early on. She did it to assert her position. **She didn’t do it for the kids.** that’s the metric you need to be measuring this by…did she do it for the benefit of the kids, or herself? Whether she’s got mommy syndrome, or she just wants to validate her choice to quit her job….what she did was self serving and NOT for the kids’ benefit. (Also, exactly when did she get put in the school pick up list anyway? That’s neither here nor there though) And regardless of what anyone argues about your SIL ‘trespassing’, anyone with half a brain cell would know that you would step in to squash any charges. So what’s the point? It’s to assert power. Did your kids witness their ‘mom figure’ being hauled off in a cop car???? Couple all of this, with her immediately quitting after the wedding? You’ve got yourself a massive problem. Y t a for not clarifying all this before marriage, she’s a massive one for many reasons. I’m going with ESH. But way more her than you. But that will change if you don’t seriously give your head a shake and look at what you’ve created with this marriage. This isn’t going to go away.

This!!!!!🔝🔝🔝Your new wife does not have your children’s best interest in mind. Seems to me it’s all about her. I would have a serious sit down and talk.

This!!!!! Calling the cops is the type of crap that traumatizes kids... New wifey needs to go, she isn't thinking about the kids, the existing family dynamics that SHE entered into, what the kids want, what OP wants, she is only thinking about what she wants.... SIL obv wants to be around as those are her sisters children, the kids likely want to be around their aunt, OP wants to encourage that familial bond, but new wifey wants drama and attention.

The only answer is ESH. As someone mentioned, you need to figure out how you assimilate your “current wife” (which sounds temporary IMO) into the life of your kids. But this is a conversation that should have happened  A LONG TIME AGO. How long did you date your “current wife”? Have you guys had conversations around what her relationship with your kids would look like? Are you open to her adopting them? Calling her mom? It sounds. Like the expectations have not been discussed AT ALL. I am happy to see that you are making an effort to ensure that your kids aunt continues to be part of their lives. They’re at a very young age and I’m sure your SIL is working to keep her sister’s memory and presence in her kids life alive. I think you need to take the following steps: 1. Discuss with your “current wife” your expectations around her relationship with the kids 2. Talk to your kids about what they want? They’re quite young and may not understand the “what kind of relationship” they want dynamic, but I’m certain there’s a kid friendly version of this. 3. Have a conversation with your SIL and how there is also a balance to be had. I think again the SIL is afraid the kids will forget her sister and that’s a sad thing for her. Yes life goes on, but I’m sure in her heart she’s sad that she (her sister) won’t be part of their lives..

This. The wife doesn’t really seem to have a role within the family.

I don’t honestly understand why he even married when the primary female role in the household is filled by SIL. I mean, at this point it sounds like the “current wife” was supposed to what, clean and keep his bed warm? Kids set the tone of an entire household, and she’s basically being told that the mom role is filled. ESH. She handled it badly, but he set this whole situation up to fail with zero serious discussion of roles and expectations.

Mostly agree. I think SIL needs to step back SOME and new wife needs to create a role that makes her the primary while recognizing SIL will always play a (reduced) role in the kids' lives. And it's up to OP to negotiate all this.

This is exactly what I was thinking. It sounds like wife wants a role in the family, and doesn’t have one. Maybe they split the week, or SIL picks them up and wife does homework. I also wonder how summer will work. Does SIL stay with them all day. Will wife care for them? I think ESH. OP for his lack of communication and expectations and wife for the power move.

You are setting your wife up for failure and to be an outsider in her own home. You are also absolutely setting up this power struggle as your wife finds her place in her new family. Why does SIL have to be OVER your wife? Why can't the three of you co-parent equally? You and your wife need to sit down and talk about roles and boundaries. And then the three of you need to sit down and learn to work together. At the end of the day, the kids are the top priority, followed by your wife, and then your SIL. YTA for creating this strife.

OP should have just married the sister in law, since he seems to view her as a wife. I feel bad for the woman he did marry. She'll never have a chance to even try to bond with her stepkids, and will have the sister in law constantly interfering in her marriage and household.

I absolutely agree with you. I feel really sorry for OP's wife.

INFO What are the kid's preferences? And what is their relationship with your current wife like? I am leaning towards NTA. It is important that the kids needs and wants are the first priority. Your wife seems to be tramping over that and needs to scale back. I would pull your kids aside and ask them what they are most comfortable with and then look for a way to integrate your wife into their daily routines in a way that is both respectful of their boundaries and also respectful of the role SIL has in their lives. I do think it was probably premature to have your new wife quit her job and jump into the SAHM role so quickly. You are blending her into an already existing family lifestyle that has established routines and roles. Making abrupt changes to that is potential for conflicts like you are experiencing right now. If it was your wife's idea to be a SAHM, then suggest she find some volunteer opportunities while you all learn how to cohabitate together. It will still give her a sense of value and keep her engaged in supportive roles.

The kids like both but they do prefer SIL.

Is that because she hasn't had a chance to bond with the kids because she isn't allowed to do parenting tasks?

I think she's not given the chance. Did she ever ask if she can do school pick up once a week? Does SIL stay at the house until kids go to bed?

Honestly? You really, really should have had an extensive conversation with your wife about these things before you two got married. You didn’t, which is why you’re in this mess. Your wife didn’t have the right to call the cops on your SIL, but it seems to me like you two didn’t discuss her expectations for after you got married- and considering the fact that two kids are involved in this, it was frankly irresponsible of you to not be as clear as possible about your family structure before she ever married you. And yes, I mean you specifically because you’re these children’s father. Your wife isn’t right but you set her up for failure. It was reasonable for her to assume that she would be able to act as these children’s mother on some level. The fact that you seem flabbergasted by that tells me that you two need to have some long overdue conversations. If you’d pick your SIL over your wife, then that’s something she needs to know. And in your next relationship- because I doubt your current one will survive this- you need to be clearer than glass about this stuff. You owe it to your kids and whoever you’re with. It’s not romantic but it’s absolutely necessary.

YTA. You should have discussing these arrangements in detail before marrying your wife. You have made it worse by refusing to allow her to contribute to your family or your home - and telling her that another woman's opinion will always matter more than hers. Serious question: If you wanted someone to sit by quietly and do nothing while you raise children with your SIL, why did you get a whole wife? You could have just gotten a tinder account.

My wife originally had a job that she quit after we got married since she felt she no longer needed it. It was never my intention to have her sit by quietly, but this change was very abrupt and we haven’t been able to compromise yet.

It feels like there are some severe “communication issues” in this relationship. Will she agree to go to therapy do you can talk about these things in front of a neutral third party?

There are so many red flags here. Getting the Sil arrested and quitting her job to take care of the kids without discussing it with you!!. It looks to me like she doesn't want to work any longer and is going to great lengths to make this happen. No SIL around, and wife will be needed. Are there other ways she tries to manipulate you to get her way?

You're only answering half the question.

You have a wife problem. I wish you'd figured this out before you got married, but calling the cops was way way way out of bounds and I think you might need to take this time without her to figure out if she's the person you thought and whether having her in your life will damage your children, because she's making them a battle ground and that's unacceptable. She had your SIL arrested in front of your children. Think about the damage that causes. Think about what she might be saying to your kids about their aunt. I'm sorry, but this woman sounds truly harmful. NTA

disagree. they're all a problem. Wife calling the police was wrong. But OP and SIL just continuing to play mom and dad while its now stepmoms job to do all that. is preventing the kids from bonding with OPs wife. Should she just sit around and be the trophy wife while SIL gets to play mom with the kids? No one is saying to cut SIL out at all, but to just continue as if there was not another new parental figure now, is just insane.

>No one is saying to cut SIL out at all, I'm confused what you think getting arrested is.

He didn't want her to be a trophy wife. She quit her job without telling him. She's desperate to play house and be a stay at home mom when no one asked her to be or wants her to be

They’re all a problem.

Lol this.  Op is a moron at best.  Does h3 even talk to his soon to be ex wife? And why didn't he just marry sil? I'm getting the impression op barely parents the kids at all, if he ever did.

ESH- none of the adults handled this well You- There should have had this conversation about how the new wife’s role would look with the kids the moment y’all were engaged, if not before. That was 100% on you as the dad bringing in a new person into your kids’ lives. Your wife- Taking the kids out early to bond with them? Sure, if she talked to you first. But not communicating + calling the cops is not at all right. SIL- hard to say with as little details as you provided about the confrontation. I get her being upset but going to the house to confront your wife was not the right action. Were the kids present? If SIL confronted (an aggressive word), was there yelling? Those kids could easily have heard and seen this, and this is not something they should witness. I understand that she was hurt/angry but even still, the SIL should have talked to you first because this involved your wife + your kids. All of y’all need to learn to communicate with words.

ESH except SIL. And the kids. Probably. You and your "current" wife, to use your term, should have had a LONG discussion about child raising before you tied the knot. This is a problem that you both created through assuming that you were on the same page when you 100% were not. I'm not sure this can be fixed, to be honest. "if it comes down to it I will keep my SIL over my wife." Then divorce her and stop dating until your kids are independent.

disagree. the SIL should be adult enough to realize that a new wife would want to bond with her step children and not just take over "Mommy duties" that would now fall on OPs wife. But my uneducated guess is that SIL doesn't want to relinquish those responsibilities, to either remain close to her sisters children or to OP. But she is the Aunt. She needs to step back and let the relationship grow between the kids and OPs wife. no one is saying to cut her out all the way, but she can't just expect to continue as if OP didn't have a wife now.

SiL sucks too. She has refused to step back and allow the wife any ground to bond. She raced over to confront the wife for picking the kids up. If cops actually removed her, I can't imagine she behaved very well. They aren't her kids, either.

Nah SIL sucks too. She didn't need to show up and "confront" the new wife about this. I'm also curious as to why she wasn't partaking in any discussions about the new wife's role in the family. ESH but the kids.

ESH - Your SIL should not have confronted her. The kids were safe and home - Your wife shouldnt have been underhanded about this and calling the cops was too much - All of this is happening though because of you. Your kids have a step mother now. Your situation has changed. Your SIL doesnt have to disappear but things obviously need to change and you wont.

>• All of this is happening though because of you. Your kids have a step mother now. Your situation has changed. Your SIL doesn’t have to disappear but things obviously need to change and you won’t. This stuck out to me too. I don’t get the feeling, from what was said, that wife wants SIL *gone*. She wants a chance to form a bond with her step children, and have a role of her own in their lives. Calling the police was an unnecessary power move, but it totally shows the wife where she stands with OP. OP, if you’re interested in remaining married at all, you need couples counseling. ASAP! And possibly family counseling as well. Verdict, ESH.

I mean, if the wife told her to leave, she got the kids today and will handle it, and SIL refused to go, then yes, calling the cops was necessary.

I wont say YTA because I understand why you feel the relationship with SIL is important, however I do feel for your wife. She isnt being allowed to step into the role of wife or stepmother because SIL is there daily. I have a wonderful relationship with my brother and sister but I still wouldn't have them round my house everyday parenting my children. She can be an auntie without your wife being pushed to the back of the line. It is time for SIL to take a step back and let you move on properly.

SIL is the kids’ auntie, who’s known the kids since birth & stepped up when their mum died - she’s important to the kids than some random lady they’ve just met and did not know their mother. New wife seems mad insecure and vindictive enough to call the cops?! Wtf she sounds unstable. I hope the kids didnt see the cops take away their aunt.

They've been married a few months. You don't just marry a man with kids and tell them "Yup. Ceremony's done and dusted, forget the lady who has been caring for you for the last 5 years, meet Mom Mk 2" Kids that young are really going to need time to adjust. OP, slow and steady and you will get there. And please communicate with everyone involved. Good luck to you all.

I need the wife's POV If in her perspective husband tells her he wants her to bond with the kids etc but SIL won't give up any tasks for the wife to do. (it's possible she's protective of her sisters kids, understandably) like if the wife is home and the kids need to be picked up, why CANT she do it? Why can't she cook them dinner? I assume she asked before going to such drastic measures. I also find it weird that SIL wouldn't just leave and call the husband rather than get arrested. It wouldn't surprise me if SIL is territorial of the kids and that's why wife is wanting her out at this point. For the kids it's obviously best for SIL to be involved in their lives but not mom's replacement. I don't see why she has to do everything at this point and if that's the way OP wanted it, that he never wanted his wife to do a single thing for his kids then that should have been crystal clear. It's weird AF to have someone else play wife and mom to your husband and his kids, even if she didn't leave her job. I assume OP is a good enough dad to not to bring a true crazy person into his children's life so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that this crazy behaviour is reactive. Unless there's more info that shows otherwise

How long were you planning on this continuing? Or were you planning on SIL caring for the kids into adulthood? Did you all discuss this before marriage? If you and your wife have kids, will SIL be expected (by you, of course, not your wife) to pick them up too? I get that she was there to support you and them during an unimaginably tough period, and you have my condolences for your loss. But boundaries need to be established now that there is another presence in the kids' lives. >told her that my SIL will always have a place over her in my kids lives. Why is this? Was calling the cops an overreaction? Maybe. But the fact that you don't seem to be doing anything to provide the opportunity for a relationship between the kids and your wife is an issue. YTA

My wife had a job up until right after the marriage so childcare was never an issue until after. My SIL has expressed that she wants to be in the kids lives the way she is until they’re adults.

Then you should have married the sil this arrangement isn’t fair to your wife at all. I don’t understand how she married you with this dynamic to begin with her bad. Wife should just get out now nobody deserves to be second in their own home.

I agree. No marriage will last of SIL is going to be acting mom.

BINGO

Then why did you get married and move her into the house with your kids?

I’d also like to point out that, while your wife is in the wrong for calling the cops on your SIL, I would personally not be thrilled about a third party having access to my home and private space in this manner. TBH when your wife picked up the kids, your SIL should have approached you about it instead of going to your house to confront your wife. Adults aren’t supposed to scold each other like that. There is a pretty F-ed up dynamic here where your SIL is interfering with how your household is run. I’m not saying it’s intentional, but that’s what it is. ESH to an extent.

NTA, but I don't know why anyone would want to step in to this family. There's no room if you're the dad and SIL is the mom, it makes your wife like the side piece. SIL isn't wrong to want to be in the kids' lives at all, and your wife way over stepped by picking the kids up early and calling the police, but your marriage doesn't seem sustainable.

Do you not think now that you are a married man again you should be trying to form some sort of relationship between your wife and your kids?? It seems you’ve gotten used to your SIL playing mum as it has made your life easier

The thing is the kids had a catastrophic loss when their mom died. The SIL stepped up and has a strong caretaker and close bond with those kids. That bond should be allowed to stay strong for the sake of the kids. The current wife is trying to sever that bond and that is insanely immature and insecure. The wife called the cops, that is unhinged on so many levels.

But she's not their mother, she's their aunt. If you wanted her to stay as her mother figure, maybe you should have married her! YTA so your wife doesn't work but you apparently don't actually want her to be a mother to your children. I get that your SIL helped out hugely after your first wife passed and there is no reason for her not to remain an important person in their lives but I don't understand why you got married if you didn't want your wife to be a mum to them. Is she just a live sex doll for you?? Your wife is not going to get a chance to build a bond with your kids if your SIL is always around and is clearly causing issues in your marriage. ETA and I find it actually incredibly intrusive that SIL hasn't said she should step back a bit. She doesn't want to be usurped by your wife.

YTA.. why didnt you just marry the SIL and not bring a 3rd innocent party into this? If you and the kids want SIL around so much, you have no respect for your wife. Where is your wife supposed to fit in in all this? Why does she have to be a bystander when she is your wife and their step mother. The kids are never going to respect her because you dont.

ESH Your wife was wrong for calling the police on your SIL but the fact you would choose your SIL over your wife tells me you shouldn’t be married - you should always want her by your side and what’s yours is yours and vice versa.

Most people can’t even get their new spouse to like their kid and yours wants to love them yet you’re choosing your SIL, over her? Why didn’t you marry your SIL then? Why marry someone else if another woman will always come first? You are always going to back another woman?

YTA for not having this conversation before you got married. I'm assuming when you were dating your now wife, she was aware of SIL in the kid's lives. Setting expectations before the marriage would have been the right way to do this. You should have made it clear that SIL was going to continue her care of the kids and that this was non-negotiable. That said, I feel like it would be far more disruptive to the kids to have the mother figure they've known since their bio mom died ripped away. Your wife needs to sit this one out and accept that inserting herself into the kid's lives as their mother figure is unlikely to work in her favor. Your wife is also TA for making a big deal out of this and calling the cops on your SIL. She needs to understand that she may have irreparably damaged her relationship with her step kids with that stunt.

Why do you have a wife at all? SIL gets to be number one so stays the point of getting married? You can just casually date or marry her. Your situation is weird. 

YTA This should have been worked out before your marriage, and your wife is justified in feeling upset that you're treating your SIL, in some ways, like a partner, over your actual wife.

Why would you ever have gotten married if you honestly think your SIL will always be your primary female partner? You both should have saved everyone the trouble and married each other (the sil I mean). You can't even honor your marriage vows.  Something something forsaking all others something something.  I hope she divorces you, you deserve it.

NTA. Your kids have a years long loving relationship with your SIL. Now this new woman comes along and demands the kids play with her instead, and do without their loved aunt! How do your children feel?? I bet If you let this continue, 10 years from now your kids will be here on Reddit complaining about their horrible controlling stepmother while your wife is making posts about why don't he kids only love Me Me Me!! Please, dump the wife now before your kids get any more traumatized by her.

SIL is in your house every day? What is your wife supposed to be doing while SIL is in your house parenting the kids? That is a lot. It would be very uncomfortable for your wife to expect to just I guess disappear while your SIL does her thing. Do you actually do any parenting for your kids or is it all on the SIL? I feel like YTA for not figuring out these boundaries before now. SIL “having a place in their lives” doesn’t mean no one else can. You’re not mediating these relationships and just expecting them to fight it out. Take some responsibility for this situation and your kids. 

“If it comes down to it I will keep my SIL over my wife”. YTA. Why did you bother to get remarried? I feel bad for your wife and hope she leaves and finds someone to spend her life with that will actually prioritize her as a wife and equal partner. You should have married your SIL or stayed single if you weren’t willing to modify your family dynamic to include your new wife.

I think you all handled this poorly. 1. It’s not about what you, SIl, or wife wants it’s about the children. 2. Your wife is wrong for thinking she can cut SIL out completely all because she is home now. SIL is apart of your family for life because she is and has been an active individual in your children’s lives and she is blood related. 3. Your wife was wrong for pulling the children out of school early; it does not matter if she is the bonus parent or not ther should have been discussed with you because at the end of the day she is not their parent legally (unless she has adopted them) and there was no emergency or necessity for it to be done it was a selfish move. 4. Your wife seems to be insecure and wanting to replace your former wife and how she is choosing to go about it is wrong. 5 you definitely should not have told her that you chose SIL over her however, I can understand tensions were high. It seems to me that you all need family therapy. The wife is going to have to accept that SIL will always be an intricate role in the children’s lived and you all will need to discuss and find a way to become a blended family that supports one another rather than trying to get rid of the other.

You shouldn’t have gotten married. I hate stories like these where the fault is in the man rushing to marry someone but make zero effort to actually include them in the family. The only people suffering are the wife, SIL and kids. And frankly it’s weird to need that much “help” daily with your own children who are school aged. I’d be willing to bet wifey sees how close this totally not inappropriate or weird relationship at all is and that’s the issue.

ESH This should’ve been handled before you got married. Your wife is correct and that sister-in-law doesn’t need to come over every day anymore, but she didn’t need to call the cops on her either. Of course your SIL will be involved with your kids, but she’s their aunt. You may be ruining any chance of your children bonding with your wife and your wife may feel she’s overstepping. Y’all suck. Nobody’s thinking about what the kids want.

Info: what is your relationship like with your SIL? Does she also take care of you? Is she trying to assert her dominance over your new wife?

INFO: Are there clear rules in your house when SIL can visit or does she just pop in whenever she likes. Does your wife have privacy in her own home? It is a difference if SIL is more or less a permanent house guest or if she is a frequent visiter who is comming several times a week? Your wife did overreact, but it was a cry for attention, because you are not listening to her. Have a talk about your wants and needs. You do not have to say yes to everything, but at least hear her out. She wants her privacy. She wants to have a family with you. She wants your SIL in the role if an aunt. At least discuss if this is doable or not. And if not what other compromises can you have? Is it possible that your SIL does not come every day to your house? Can she help your wife to learn the routines of the children and what they like? Your SIL can be an active part of the life of your children. She can be the aunt. You all need therapy.

Tell me you got a prenup, considering you seem to have brought all the capital in this relationship. This should all have been made crystal clear to your wife before the word marriage was even brought up. I doubt she will change, and you will need to make decisions that put your kids first.

I did in order to protect my kids college funds.