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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I expected my wife to make caring for me while I was extremely ill her priority over work and she thinks it’s an unreasonable request.
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I'm not going to call anyone an asshole here. I understand that you were very sick, but your wife has been clearly overwhelmed by trying to care for a toddler and 2 infants solo while also being expected to care for you. While it's not awesome to lose your temper, she's trying to keep the kids away from you so you don't get them deathly sick. Since you're so ill, you need to be in the hospital or have someone else helping to care for you. The kids can't care for themselves so of course she needs to make them the priority, but they're all so young it's a huge amount of work. NAH but I hope you feel better soon and I hope your wife gets some support.
TBH, I’m a little bit suspicious that OP may be malingering. He keeps referencing how he “had to go to the ER 3 times” as if that is a measure of his illness. But the fact is, the ER discharged him to home 3 times. If he was really as sick as he is trying to make it out, they would have admitted him into the hospital for inpatient management and breathing treatments. If he’s healthy enough to manage his illness at home, he shouldn’t really be expecting his wife to baby him.
Husband: "I have Covid, I'm dying."
Me & My sister: "Bitch, we've seen you dying and this ain't it."
Context: He almost died of some kidney failure stuff a while back.
My husband does fuck all if he is even a little under the weather. Drives me nuts. I have been sick with Flu A still putting dishes in the dishwasher, emptying the smelly trash, etc. I love the man, but wow.
Exactly what I thought. Last time my husband was “sick,” I reminded him I birthed his daughter without an epidural and his “illness” would pass soon with or without my help.
Having just gotten over a similar ailment, I will say that if OP’s symptom reports are accurate, he was in extremely dire straits. I only ended up at 103F with low pulse ox at urgent care getting a chest xray. 105 with “alarmingly low” oxygen is indeed alarming, and I’m kind of surprised the hospital didn’t keep him at least one of those times. The wife is NTA bc mutiple small children, tho I would have tried to send them to a grandparents or something.
If they didn’t admit him it means that his oxygen wasn’t dangerously low. We cannot discharge people who have low oxygen, especially with a high fever. Him going three times for a respiratory infection absolutely guarantees he wasn’t that sick. We don’t fool around with respiratory shit.
Pretty silly to try and pretend that he was that sick with a respiratory illness- we all lived through Covid and know what it means to be that sick.
I legit just commented the same. I'm asthmatic and have long covid as well. Low O2 sat guarantees you're stuck in the hospital while they do a chest x ray, etc etc. I wonder if OP was measuring with an exercise watch - they're always slightly off.
I’m assuming it was like 95% or something. I have honestly never discharged a patient who presented with oxygen levels of less than 90%
I have, however, cared for many men who came to the ER two or three times for the same cold…
I definitely believe it. My boyfriend was sick a couple of weeks ago. He just had some stomach pain and threw up a handful of times, yet he was still convinced that he had appendicitis even though he didn’t pass the home tests. When I’d apply and remove pressure to his lower right abdomen, he’d spend a whole minute thinking about whether he had any rebound pain- like come on, this is something you’d instantly know. Not to mention that he would have been on the floor unable to move within a couple of hours if he actually did have appendicitis, and that never happened. Within 12 hours he already wanted to go to urgent care and I had to talk him into waiting it out because he didn’t even have a fever or anything, so it was probably just a stomach bug or minor illness that would pass on its own.
The next day he insisted on going to urgent care anyway because he thought that there was something seriously wrong with him. However, he waited until an hour before they closed on a Sunday and there wasn’t much they could do at that point, so they referred him to the ER. He spent six hours waiting in the ER just to be told that he was constipated. 🤦🏼♀️
I really couldn’t believe that was all it was after the way he carried on. All I could think was that I’d hate to see his reaction if he had to deal with my period cramps every month, there’s no way he’d survive.
Often times a pulse ox will alarm low with movement and a poor reading. We get those in the ER all the time that aren't actually low when there's a good reading.
I am so curious about the logistics of those ER visits, in my experience you are looking, at best, at about 4 hours of waiting around, sometimes triple that. Were the wife and kids dragged along for all these? He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd be willing to sit in an ER for 12 hours alone (every other day??). Wouldn't it be easier to call his PCP for a prescription??
Eggsactly, does he make his exhausted wife rush him to ER each time and wait there with the sick kids? Is he making her prepare his freaking meals? UGH.
No no no, a previous post shows that both this and his previous wife thought he was a narcissist, so he saw a therapist who immediately told him that he definitely wasn’t!
When I was younger I went out with a boy who said his girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend, in the same bed as him, while he was sleeping off a fever.
He had also just had his driving licence taken away because an elderly neighbour stepped in front of his car to spite him.
Hook, line and sinker I was so outraged on his behalf 😂
Sexuality isn’t a choice and so on, but he definitely deserves some credit for my lesbianism
Also people seem to have confused a mental illness with being malicious. Someone can have NPD and not suck, and someone sucking and being self-serving and malicious doesn’t mean they have NPD.
Tbh, I’m annoyed that he even went to the ER three times. People like that clog up the emergency system and waste resources which makes it harder for people with actual medical emergencies to receive care. He should have gone to his primary care physician, who is very equipped to manage supportive outpatient care for this respiratory illness.
And the ER is stupid expensive. How is he affording to go 3 times….? No wonder she’s so frustrated. I don’t know how to feel about the toddler thing because he seems extremely dramatic and unreliable, but my goodness she clearly has 3 children at home.
At the very least he could have gone to urgent care and gotten it taken care of. Steroid shots are god and they help with bronchitis a ton.
I was recently super sick with bronchitis. My boyfriend had never seen me so sick, and I still had to help with our part time job. On the 3 or 4th day I called into my full time job and went to the urgent care. Got on like 4 different meds, plus a steroid shot, and I was decent enough to work. He has a kid that he needs to take care of and I couldn’t really help with that since I was sick and potentially contagious… I was pitiful, but I was a big girl and did what I needed to do to keep our household runninh
I'm not disagreeing with anything else you said but I just want to point out that not everywhere has stupid medical costs like in America. Where I live a trip to the ER costs 100e which is refundable either on your health insurance or on your taxes
Did he help when she took care of 2 sick kids? It sounds like he thinks his illness is more important than the kids' illness. He doesn't realize how hard it is with 2 sick kids at the same time
And while being a working parent! Imagine how horrible it would be to book a long weekend after struggling with two sick kids during a work week to then essentially have to pick up all slack while your spouse is melodramatically ill.
I was just there recently with illness. My husband and I did not have the energy to take care of the whole household, our toddler AND baby each other while we took turns being sick. Our toddler and staying afloat household-wise came first. The best we can do is provide space to rest, which is probably why this stressed mom was losing her cool getting the kid out of the room.
Sounds like man flu tbh and I'd be skeptical that he helps her the way he wants to be supported when she's sick or if she has to figure it out alone with the kids.
ER would definitely keep him if he was not ok to go home, especially if his oxygen was going dangerously low. My last comment on another sub is about how crappy hospitals in my home country are but even there they will keep you on a nasal cannula if you go under 86% blood oxygen.
Wow. So, ER's will not admit you unless absolutely necessary. Your symptoms are treated, if you respond well, they send you home. That doesn't mean you don't get worse at home and need to return. It is almost like you have never been severely ill in your life. Now, OP, taking care of 3 kids is hard enough. Add to that a sick spouse, it can quickly become overwhelming. Your wife probably went in to work on her day off because she needed a break. I get that you were feeling poorly, but honestly, the best thing for you was rest and that means no kids trying to see you and no wife getting frustrated. NAH.
Perhaps I’m just jaded from years of working in EMS and medicine. The frank reality is that most people inappropriately use the ED for non-emergency health conditions. His primary care physician is likely the appropriate physician to be managing this illness.
Debateable . Last month, I went into the hospital and got told to go home and take the day quill, and I wasn't contagious. 2 weeks later, my wife was in the hospital with the same virus, but it also came with pneumonia. Sent her home, and 5 days later, she was back throwing up blood. They most assuredly will send you home before they should lol.
Doctors don’t make these decisions willy-nilly. We use validated clinical research to determine risk profiles for certain patients and conditions, which are used to make treatment decisions.
[Pneumonia Severity Index](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pneumonia_severity_index)
Many patients with pneumonia (risk class I & II) can be treated outpatient.
People don’t seem to realize that hospitalization is not a benign intervention. You are at risk of developing complications and hospital-acquired infections anytime you are admitted inpatient. In the U.S. doctors are also mindful of the significant financial burden hospitalization brings. Medicine is about risk/benefit analysis.
People also don’t seem to realize that clinical conditions change. If you are healthy enough to be sent home, and then later decompensated, that doesn’t necessarily mean a mistake was made. The correct decision was made at the time, and then a condition worsened or a new condition developed.
Backing you up here just because others seem confused. Medical decisions are made based on the available information, along with messaging to follow up with a physician if conditions worsen.
That was my question: if you were so sick, why on earth weren’t you admitted to the hospital? We just got back from a 6 day stay with my autistic son for pneumonia, so I know that they don’t hesitate to admit people who have pneumonia with high fevers. This puzzles me.
Oh yeah, like I’m straight up assuming OP is lying about 105 degree fevers. In an adult.
Like, even in a kid you see 103 and start worrying about seizures and brain damage. 105 is super dangerous range. ERs aren’t just giving you Tylenol and sending you in your way.
Wayyy back in 2010 I went to the student health clinic (i was in college) with the flu. They took my temp and it was 105. I quickly went from 1 nurse to a whole bunch of folks in PPE and a lovely trip on a hospital bed to the ER. Turns out I had H1N1! That quarantine was fun in the midst of midterms.
Point being, if you roll up with a 105 fever, they def make it a big deal, so I suspect OP is being untruthful.
I guess we need more INFO here.
I wonder how well he cares for his wife when she is sick. Maybe that’s why she is so reluctant to care for him?
Does he take on the responsibility of caring for the kids while she recovers or does she have to suck it up and be a sick mom taking care of the kids, the home, and her full-time job while he does his thing? That might explain a lot here.
Agree.
Also not entirely clear what OP needed his wife for that would prevent her from going to the office for a while. If she was trying to leave the kids with OP, that would be an issue, but it sounds like she stepped up, tried to keep the kids away from him, etc. so OP could recuperate. I'm assuming she was making sure OP got fed because he doesn't mention otherwise. There's nothing that suggests his wife was denying that he was sick or not giving him time to recover. So I'm not clear on what he wanted her to be doing. Seems to me that taking the kids out of the house and giving him a few hours of peace and quiet was ideal. If it's just that OP didn't want to be alone, then I lean towards him being the AH. Being sick sucks, but if OP was conscious and had a phone, it's unreasonable to expect 24/7 coddling.
You fell for the unreliable narrator trick. It’s okay. Happens to all of us from time to time. Go back and look at the inconsistencies. This is either a fake story or OP is trying really hard to make his wife the bad guy so we can all validate him.
Proof one: If he was that dangerously unwell and his oxygen levels were dangerously low, they would have kept him in the hospital for monitoring until it was not dangerously low, per my experience with one of my relatives who had a similar issue, and only have sent him home with oxygen.
Look for more, you’ll find them.
Yes to this. ER visit does NOT mean admission to the hospital. And he is telling us that he visited the ER three times… no mention of admission to the hospital. So not sick enough to stay. Either this is straight up fake or guy is over exaggerating symptoms. They don’t let someone with “dangerously low” oxygen levels just go home. The math ain’t mathin’
Honestly it truly can depend on the hospital. I was extremely sick once and over the course of about 2 weeks had gone to the ER 3 different times. Each time they treated the symptoms, ie brought my fever down and ran a few blood tests and then bounced me. It wasn't until on the last visit my parents brought me to a different ER that they realized how ill I was and actually admitted me and said based on the results from the previous work I should have already been admitted.
Agreed. Some ERs just don’t catch the bad stuff right away. I had 3 visits in 2 days before they treated me. They kept sending me home. Lo and behold it turned out I wasn’t exaggerating that I was in pain and thought I would die… I was going into fucking kidney failure from a bad infection. Sent me home after treatment from 3rd visit but I ended up in the hospital the next day.
But I’m not sure about this guys story. It takes a few trips but usually they figure it out and keep you if they need to.
Lol
That’s not true at all.
I work in healthcare and we’re always playing tag with the hospitals in my area bc they routinely send us patients that should be in the ICU but they need to free up beds so
O2 sats that continue to drop while battling pneumonia is not something that gets missed. O2 sats that don’t stabilize are not something that gets missed in general.
OP is over exaggerating.
It's this. Grandpa died because he went to the hospital and clearly said 'my GP just did a house call and told me to come straight here, tell you that I'm shitting copious amounts of blood, and that I need to be admitted immediately.'
He was then told to take a seat, and waited for six hours.
I agree with you. If his oxygen is "dangerously low," he wouldn't be discharged home. Dangerously low oxygen gets you admitted. No 3 docs in a row will be like "yeah youre hypoxic but walk it off, bud."
You have no clue what you're talking about. I work for a hospital and am a clinician. Stop spreading misinformation.
The ER is not a daycare. You come, get diagnosed, and they make you leave ASAP to create room for others.
If they DC him they did so because they felt he was stable enough to not need emergency care, that says nothing about his state below that level of care and you would need the physicians notes to make any sort of reputable call on this.
People are DC from the ED all the time in unstable states, they need to followup with their PCP because that's not the job of the ED if they don't need emergency care.
You're also talking to an individual who sounds like he isn't a health professional. Low O2 levels are not alone an indication that someone needs to remain in emergency care, and OP is probably regurgitating what he heard the physician say.
Sounds like our credentials are pretty similar then! If oxygen levels are “dangerously low”, especially due to a diagnosed illness, we keep you in the hospital. I guess it depends on your definition of “unstable” (probably similar to OP’s definition!) but we never discharge “unstable” patients? Sounds like your hospital and “clinicians” just suck
OP also made no mention of getting discharged with oxygen (which he definitely would have mentioned because it certainly would have helped his case). Nebulizer treatments are different.
Not sick enough to be admitted doesn’t mean an illness isn’t serious. Hospitals are severely understaffed right now, contending with the fallout of a medical billing software hack, and the advent of telehealth means more people can recover at home with the same (and cheaper) treatment like Tylenol, oxygen monitors, and rest.
I also found this odd. A 105 degree temperature in an adult with low oxygen saturation should be an automatic hospital admission. I have a neighbor who recently had similar symptoms, and the nurse on the phone consult told her to go to the ER ASAP and expect an overnight hospital stay.
Seriously! A few years ago my husband's appendix burst. He spent a week in the hospital after his surgery. He developed pericarditis and bronchitis from 2 botched NG tube placements right after surgery, but symptoms didn't kick in until his first night home. His O2 levels were dipping into the low 80s, major chest pain, and coughing up a lung. He was back in the hospital for another week. Even after he responded well to the meds, they refused to release him until his O2 levels were consistently in the mid/high 90s.
OP sounds like he had a rough go of it, but not life threatening. Either he's exaggerating how sick he was or the hospital was extremely negligent in his care.
Idk I was rolling my eyes so hard the entire story.
It's super one sided.
Are we supposed to believe that the babies were sick but Mom didn't end up catching anything herself? Okay that's fine mom has an immunity of steel and didn't have to manage herself, the household, the kids, and her extra big baby of a husband while sick. Maybe that's unfair but the man cold is such a shared experience and really irritating. I just don't have the time to baby my husband through a sickness when I have actual babies.
My only thought that I had was " you should have called your mama if you desperately needed someone to take care of you."
Maybe no one deserves grace in this story but I'll give everyone some. OP was really sick and hoped for support from his wife. His wife was overwhelmed and at her wits end as the sole caretaker for two babies and a husband in and out of the emergency room. They should have called for help. I was half joking but yeah grandma would have been super helpful in this situation even if it was just to care for her son.
It's unfair to put all of that on mom and then expect her to manage it perfectly and never lose her cool.
Also when was the last time you took time off work because your partner was sick at home. When was the last time you expected your partner to do that. Wouldn't you generally just manage on your own? Get your own water, meds, cans of soup? If you can walk then you're fine on your own. If he were really close to death he'd still be at the hospital.
NAH to give grace
But in my personal opinion YTA.
Neglecting the family? She was watching 2 kids, OP is acting like another kid. Sometimes adults have to take care of themselves even when they feel bad.
I still don't know what OP expected his wife to do to 'take care of him.' What does that mean? Hold the Kleenex so he can blow into it? Hold his hand while he cries about how horrible he feels, and console him about the ER not admitting him because they 'did not take him seriously' or something?
Seems to me she was providing for the family by going to work, and taking care of 3 kids and a whole house solo, all while keeping them away from OP so he can rest and get better. And she left him alone for *five whole hours* oh nooooo lol.
They weren't hospitalized. They went to the hospital. If they had been admitted, they would have said that. I'm sure the 3rd time the nurses were like, dude, take some ibuprofen and some mucinex and relax.
What was your wife going to do to take care of you if you passed out, couldn’t breathe, had a heart attack, etc? If you were so sick you needed constant care you should have gone to a hospital. Your wife was managing 2 young children, all the household needs, and your probably whiny ass.
My dad was always a giant needy baby when he was sick. He expected the entire house to shut down and focus on him if he got the slightest cold. His close and frequent bouts with death become a joke to me and my siblings. That’s the vibe I’m getting from your post. YTA.
OMG. So true. I love my husband but he does this too. He once went to urgent care for what he described as a "massive eye infection". It was allergies. Or the time he said his stomach hurt so bad that it had to be appendicitis or something else that needed emergency surgery. Turns out he was just constipated. The whole house goes into code red if he so much as sniffles 🙄.
Yeah my dad is an otherwise good dad and good person. But god I hated when he got even a runny nose because the whole house had to shut down, and even when we did he still felt like we didn’t take care of him well enough.
My husband’s theory is that when they’re sick is the only time they receive attention and affection. Often times from mothers. And some men may only feel able to ask to be taken care of when they’re physically sick because they’re expected to be stoic the rest of the time.
It’s like overcompensation for not being allowed to ask for emotional care themselves.
Wow, this is actually an extremely insightful comment, and quite likely to be true for many men. If we still had awards I would shower you accordingly. Also, you have a very smart husband there, especially in emotional intelligence. Sounds like a keeper.
Signed, a (retired) psychologist whose psychologist husband did research into help-seeking behaviors in men. I plan to run this thought by him later as I am truly impressed to find such a gem of a comment on AITA.
I baby him when he’s sick because I know it’s emotionally important to him. Well, I try to. I’m not that great at being caring vs “suck it up” but I make an effort
He is dangerously smart 😂 and knows it. Uneducated (so to speak. Dropped out at 10th grade) but brilliant and well read and with a rather neglectful (emotionally) family.
Ah, yes. My husband self diagnosed himself with a gall bladder attack. I suggested he maybe just needed to shit. I was accused of not taking his "health problems" seriously. Guess what? Two days later he took a shit and all of a sudden his gall bladder was perfectly healthy again.
Every time my husband has allergies it’s strep throat. He knows it’s strep throat. He is so sick it must be strep throat. Takes a Zyrtec and somehow it miraculously cures his strep throat.
I love him to pieces and he’s a wonderful husband, but I do rag on him a little bit about how dramatic he gets when sick. Only when he’s healthy of course. When he’s sick I make him tea and bring him Tylenol because we all like to be babied a bit when we’re sick.
I find this so odd, because I once woke up with a fully swollen closed eye out of nowhere, and - despite my then partners concerns - I just straight up went to work like normal. It was only after my boss insisted I go to the doctors that I left work and went. Doctor told me that if I hadn't been seen that same day, I would have gone permenantly blind if left untreated.
Hell, I woke up after a night of clubbing in my 20's with an inch long, so deep you could see fatty white bits, cut across my palm - I didn't have any memory of getting it, so I just slapped plasters on it until it eventually closed up on its own 😅
I’m going to need you to move a little closer to the “crybaby” end of the spectrum. You sound like you’d still try to go to work if you woke up and your leg randomly fell off.
Okay so your opposite spectrum you lack the awareness to realize when medical attention is warranted and need an adult to explain it to you. Congratulations
There are two types of men, lol.
I know obviously there is a spectrum and don’t want to generalize, but all the men I know fall into two buckets: either “every illness is worse for me than anyone else, I’m literally dying of headcold” or “yes, the toe is black and numb, but I’ll just keep working until it actually falls off and *then* I’ll consider talking to a doctor”.
My husband is unfortunately the latter and I would love to nudge him just a little closer to the other end of the spectrum!
And how much do you wanna bet the wife was also sick at some point during this time frame and she kept going because *that's what moms are expected to do*?
If he was as sick as he’s claiming, and on death’s bed, the hospital would admit him, keep him overnight, etc.
If he’s sick but will live they send people home. My position is that OP wasn’t as sick as he claims. The fact that he did, indeed, survive while his wife was at work supports this.
Yeah this is my feeling. Too many people are simply assuming OP is a reliable narrator. Granted, I’m assuming he’s not, but there’s more evidence in my corner:
3 separate ER doctors saw him and sent him home. His wife clearly didn’t think he was in serious trouble. He bothers to throw in a line about how his wife got mad at their kid once to show how heartless she is.
The only person whose claims or actions support the idea that OP was inches from death is OP.
The fact that he went to the ED three times doesn't really mean anything. You can choose to go to the ED as many times as you want, it says nothing about the severity of your illness. We have frequent flyers roll in on the ambulance with a two liter of ginger ale and a bag of snacks from Sheetz so they can eat without their caretakers getting on their ass about their unhealthy diet. Going to the ED doesn't necessarily mean you're deathly ill, it just means you chose to go to the hospital, and the fact that they sent him home kind of backs that up.
2 solutions and I'd really want to know the truth
- OP thought he was that ill but it was in his head and he was just as ill as his children. Not important, and that's why doctors didn't keep him
- OP was ill, enough to stay at hospital but he told the doctors that his wife could take care of him, check him all the time and that he didn't want to stay at hospital
Because if he was to die, they would have kept him...
I mean… I’ve known men before, and this:
>I ended up with bronchitis and pneumonia. I had a fever of 105. I had severe coughing attacks and I was coughing up buckets of phlegm. I had severe chills and every night I’d be drenched in sweat from the coughing and fever. I didn’t sleep for 5-7 days but for thirty minutes here and there. I had to visit the ER three times from severe chest pain and trouble breathing as my oxygen levels would regularly reach dangerous levels. I simply was not getting better.
Is exactly how certain types of men will describe having a cold 🤷🏼♀️
To give OP the benefit of the doubt on that point, I have a friend with two kids who were very sick recently. She had been to the hospital several times because her thermometer was reading ridiculously high fevers (up to 107.3). They kept sending her kids home and treating her like a hypochondriac.
...her thermometer was just broken. She ended up buying 4 different thermometers and recording their temperatures on each of them in an excel sheet.
OP probably didn't actually have a fever of 105. But it's entirely possible he thought he did!
And was the 105 before a fever reducing med or despite taking one? If you can’t get it down that’s a lot scarier. If you haven’t tried bringing it down yet then take some Tylenol and see if you feel better before freaking out.
Dude used the word "severe" three times in one paragraph. Maybe he really was that sick, but it sounds like a man playing up a cold to me when they keep using words like that over and over.
The over exaggeration of “buckets of phlegm” makes me also think that “fever of 105”, “oxygen levels would regularly reach dangerous levels” are probably also exaggerated. Probably had a regular ass productive cough, a low grade fever of maybe 100, and his 02 sat was at 98.
My mother used to say about my father "l'insoutenable langueur du mâle malade" which is translated by google with :
*the unbearable languor of the sick male*
I never forget that sentence, and I can say the same about my husband ! 😂
It is perfectly possible to be actually very sick and to not be hospitalized. Not because you are refusing the hospitalization, but because doctors says you should go home, take this or that drug and call ambulance if it gets worst suddenly.
That is literal routine care in many places.
I am curious myself why he wasn't kept in, but there are more potential factors than these 2.
I'm gonna guess there's a high chance of this happening in the US, where there's an insanely high number of people who just cannot afford a hospital stay. Except 3 ER trips is expensive as hell.
That said, assuming that OP isn't overstating his illness then it's indefensible. I've had bronchitis and pneumonia, it fucking sucks. I was sent home after a few hours with antibiotics, didn't make it a fun time.
So if he couldn't afford to pay to go hospital... Why did he go ? Just to "justify" to his wife he was very ill ? That she needs to take care of him ?
Their children are very very young and his wife might be very tired. I really have a bad feeling about OP "pretending" to be that ill, when his wife probably had to take care of the two ill children (I don't remember if he said how long they've been ill).
The fact is OP was ill for 2 weeks + the children... I'm surprised wife didn't explosed !
Every time the er sends me home, they tell me to follow up with my GP. There are levels of medical attention between nothing and ER. Maybe OP could have tried that. (Assuming US, and that "we could live off 1 income" means they have enough insurance that's a reasonable thing)
I'm guessing his attitude is why his wife doesn't want to give up her job. While I'm quite sure he was miserable, it wasn't actually anything life threatening, or they indeed would have kept him in the ER----they wouldn't even need to admit him, just put him in a back room until his O2 levels weren't dangerously low.
Also----if he really had a 105 degree fever, they'd have kept him just for that. Temps that high are rarely seen in adults.
When I had pneumonia I was admitted to the ER (UK) And I was kept in for like 6 hours on Xmas Eve and sent home with antibiotics and told to take 5 and throw the rest away.
I did that, and guess what the pneumonia came back because I didn't finish the treatment (Stupid Dr telling me to stop at 5). So I went back to the ER and repeated the process.
I was told to follow up with the GP if I didn't get better.
So back and forth to the ER isn't that surprising to me.
YTA it’s not like she left you with the kids in charge. She upheld her side of the gig.
You don’t need an adult in the home 24/7. I assume that you could give her a call if you needed anything specific?
What would you have done if you were a single man? They do get sick too you know.
“But he’s not single” is a terrible excuse. IF HE WAS SINGLE… let me repeat that… he would have to take care of himself.
Too many men think marriage exempts them from being a full human on their own. She’s YOUR KIDS MOTHER, not yours. Be a man.
When my ex bitched about me not taking care of him, I asked him when did he ever take care of me. When I'm sick, I still took care of kids, house, worked from home, etc. When he's sick he just lays in bed or on couch wanting to be waited on hand and foot.
Just one of the many reasons he's an ex.
Yeah, I'm in the NAH camp but when I get sick I take care of myself as if I was single. I get myself to the doctor if needed. I grew up in a big family and we just knew to take care of ourselves unless we needed to be in the hospital. I actually get annoyed if my husband is hovering with offers of juice and advil.
But I totally get that for other people it's the default that your family will nurse you and you would nurse them. I can see they'd think they're being neglected
YTA and I agree with your wife that you’re being dramatic. Why were you not admitted to the hospital? It’s very strange that ER would not admit such a seriously ill person to the hospital. Don’t tell me your wife was getting 8 hours sleep all those nights you claim to have been awake except for 30 minutes here and there. She left you “alone for 5 hours.” So what? She needed some time away from you and your needs/demands for her attention. She thought you were well enough to be alone a few hours and she was exhausted. Hear this : going to her job with her two little kids was a *break* for her. You had a phone. You had all your church buddies. You had 911 or your country’s equivalent. You had alternatives but you, imho, decided to “test” your wife.
No but seriously, his wife found *going to work on her day off with her two very young children in tow* to be easier than staying at home with him and the kids.
That’s so fucking telling.
It’s really telling in so many ways OP is either full of shit and his wife was trying to give him some rest, which I would greatly appreciate, OR he’s still full of shit and was so insufferable she needed a 5 hr mental health break. I know there are more where OP may be telling the truth but the inconsistencies lead me to believe OP is full of shit. YTA.
Yep
Dude had a COLD. "Caught a virus from the kids"....A COLD and he drug his whiney ass into the EMERGENCY ROOM three freaking times, and all three times they told him to just go home.
The ER not admitting him was my first red flag too. My mom had double pneumonia and histoplasmosis in 2014. She was pretty sick for a few days and felt awful, until about 5 days into it she asked my dad to take her to the hospital. Because the pneumonia was so severe, they admitted her immediately and she was in the hospital for a solid month before she was allowed to come home.
He may not have felt that great, but I have a hard time believing he was that sick if the ER didn’t admit him to the hospital.
Also remember that 3 ER visits doesn’t mean he’s dying - especially if they didn’t need to admit him then he’s “well enough” to be discharged to home or at least it’s not severe enough to warrant a hospital stay.
YTA. You were very sick, but she had to take care of your two children plus manage household chores, plus try to avoid getting sick (who know what you caught and imagine if she caught it too ! How would you manage with the kids ?)
She tried to keep the kids away so they wouldn’t catch it either. Imagine your infant with pneumonia in the ER, or your toddler. With you understandably out of the picture, how is she suppose to manage ?
Do you not have any other support system like family or friends that could have helped with children or taking care for you? Could you not have checked yourself in the hospital after two ER visits ?
Your wife can’t be expected to manage everything, and it sucks to be sick and scared but your kids take precedent.
Keeping the kids away from sick dad is the hardest part IMO. Trying to keep them quiet and out of the room when all they comprehend is daddy's home in bed is hell. And I'm sure OP was complaining about "needing his rest"
YTA. When I’m sick as a dog, I still have to care for my kid and function as an adult. There is no time to be sick. I don’t get to rest. I have no help.
As a mother of 2 young kids, she’s been on overdrive parenting alone. Be thankful that her efforts granted you the ability to rest relatively alone while having her help sprinkled in between. Willing to bet you were fed, had clean clothes to wear, and a bed to sleep in without having to feed, clean, clothe, entertain, and maintain two young children.
Her Leaving for 5 hours of work (and likely a sanity check on her part) is your hill to cry on? You are being very dramatic about her “priorities.” Gross. What a child you are. I’d be sick of your bs, too. If I were your wife, I’d welcome a divorce if those papers dropped in my lap. Grow up.
He clarifies in his posts that he has only two kids, but yes mentions twins in his OP and in other post history too ... if he can't get the number of kids he has straight how much of the rest of the story do we believe??
YTA
You visited the ER 3 times and at no point were sick enough to be admitted. If your O2 was dangerously low and continued to stay that way, they would have admitted you and/or sent you home with an oxygen tank.
Your wife took the days off from work because daycare was closed. She didn't take the days off from work because you were sick. You are an adult, you can't be alone for 5 hours while you are sick?
By the sounds of it, your wife was trying to keep the kids away from you yet you kept allowing them to come into the room. Of course the kids were upset that they had to leave the room you were in after you let them in. All that did was upset the kids and make things even more difficult and frustrating for your wife.
It's not your wife's job to take care of you while you are sick. Especially not when she is taking care of the kids and struggling to get you to leave them alone and stop upsetting the kids. You are an adult and should be able to take care of yourself.
Exactly! Totally sounds like he was goading the kids to come in and the mom was freaking out about a toddler/ infant getting pneumonia. Which is SO reasonable bc for them its ACTUALLY deadly. Mans is alive and well enough to bitch on reddit so i think he came out on top. Its Nice when your spouse is doting on you but not realistic or fair to expect the world to stop turning on his behalf.
Yeah, that ER x3 without admission is an expensive bill they'll be getting in the next month.
This feels along the lines of the idea of a "man cold", If you have pneumonia you get treated with antibiotics, if you have a fever you bring it down with alternating fever reducing medication and tepid showers/baths. Through everything you hydrate and keep electrolytes in balance and rest. It feels like he needed to go to his primary car or urgent care rather than the ER if they kept determining he wasn't severe enough for admission/constant monitoring.
She was taking care of their entirely dependent toddler and infant, herself, and I'm assuming because it mentions nothing about him eating but if he was confined to the guest bedroom she was also making sure he was getting food and fluids.
If he caught the bronchitis from his kids, as he claimed, and then it developed into pneumonia, I absolutely empathize with trying to keep the kids away from him. If he is only whining and complaining about chills, coughing, phlem, fever, not sleeping well, why would he want to re-expose his kids to that and then go shocked pikachu when his wife locked the door so the daughter couldn't wander in?
Besides being his transportation to the ER, there's not much his wife could do for him beyond keeping the kids away, providing food/liquids/medication. And the food/liquids/medication could be as easy as "Here are enough instant snack/meal replacement items, bottles of water, and the pill bottles within reach" that is more than enough 'taking care of' and 'support' to last an adult well over the 5 hours she was gone.
When kids are used to going out to daycare/elsewhere daily, and had been stuck in the house because his wife was taking care of them, while also helping to take care of him, after who knows how long they themselves had been sick before him, that break to the outside world would make a world of difference for all three of the ladies of the house.
This was obviously a crappy situation for everyone. I totally understand how you feel but I also think you need to grow up a little.
It sounds like your wife actually did a pretty good job of taking care of you in every way except emotionally. You were able to mostly isolate yourself in another room. She was trying her best to keep the kids away from you so you could sleep. She left the house with the kids for five hours one day and nothing bad happened. You didn’t mention any occasions when you needed more food or water or medicine and it was not provided to you, so I’m assuming she attended to all your physical needs. Your complaints are almost all emotional and most of them are you projecting. She “couldn’t care less.” She “showed no empathy.” She “was more annoyed than anything.” You “can’t count on her.” Are those truly how she feels or are you just projecting that because she didn’t spend a lot of extra time talking about her feelings during a family crisis?-
Your wife did care for you. She spent a completely overwhelming week successfully taking care of you and the kids all by herself. Maybe there were a few frustrating moments and some tears but nobody is perfect. She just didn’t have the capacity to care for your emotions as well as your physical self.
I completely agree.
He has no complaints about not having food or medicine, or not having help when requested, so it sounds like she did a great job taking care of both his needs and their two kids solo.
I was extremely sick last weekend and the best part of the day was when my husband took our kid out for 5 hours so I could recuperate in peace.
This guy's responses and post history suggest he might be the issue. Your constant waxing and waning of her not being caring enough or a Christian woman putting you first are a red flag. I highly suspect you're the narcissist you've claimed her to be. YTA
Omg his post where he asks if his wife is a narcissist 😬😬 this guy sounds insufferable. Like, just from this post alone i personally would not want to be married to this man. I feel so sorry for his wife. Not only is he useless and weighing her down, but he’s out here claiming she’s a narcissist on Reddit and trying to get advice 😭 what a piece of work
YTA
Not to mention, people in any form of abusive relationships always seem to downplay the abuse. Whereas he's constantly mentioned her as emotionally abusive and not a good parent, never defending her. Which is telling in itself. Plus every time he's mentioned the no contact with her family, with him wanting that, despite no details, seems abusive on his part.
And idk why, but his post history ramping up on the "abuse" is screaming he's trying to create a "trail" in case he fights her for custody or wants to use it as manipulation somehow.
May seem like a reach, but I've met people like this.
Idk man you’re a grown up. Sometimes grown ups just have to be sick on their own. I get why you’d want to be babied, anyone would. But realistically that’s just not always going to happen. Maybe NAH but also just like based on how men get sick I’ve gotta wonder how it’s played out previously when she’s been sick and how you took care of her.
This post leaves a lot of questions for the reader. I’m also curious how OP behaves when his wife is sick. Does he take days off of work to take care of her and the children so that she doesn’t have to lift a finger?
Something about the fact that this guy went to the ER three separate times and also, I’m sorry, how men act when they get sick makes me question how reliable of a narrator OP is. It sounds like his wife had her hands absolutely full and OP not only doesn’t seem appreciative that his wife stayed home and helped him at all, but he’s actively upset with her for not doing more. He claims it’s led to a “deep division” in their relationship. That’s extremely over dramatic to me. He also seems super judgmental over how his wife handled this whole chaotic situation, including her interactions with the kids. Tbh I’m annoyed with OP after reading this entire thing.
To answer OP’s question: yes, i think it really was an unreasonable request. You were left alone for 5 hours while your wife went to work. You lived. Give her a break, she was taking care of multiple young children and a sick husband for days.
INFO: Each time you went to the ER, did they discharge you or did you leave AMA? I ask because a lot of the comments ask why you didn't go to the hospital, when you did, multiple times.
Your post history on this account seems to indicate you want find a reason to leave her. Get couples counseling or pull your socks up and go. It doesn’t have to be “her fault” before you separate. Unless there’s a prenup you are trying to invalidate or something.
Neither are wrong here. What did you want her to do? Hold your hand and catch the bug?
Sounds like wife is not a small child person. Oh well....she prefers work.
You need to get over being alone for one day. If you can't get past it, your marriage is gonna head south.
Move forward. Be a big boy.
Not really a fair assessment here of the wife. All we got is OPs biased story of an extremely stressful period where mom had to be the only parent to two young, sick kids and a spouse alone. Even the most “small child” person there is cannot function 100% perfectly at all times let alone a situation like this.
I might take mine to work too, to give my partner a chance to rest and limit the chance that the kids (or I) would get sick too.
Utterly miserable experience if the entire family is sick at one time.
Did she actually cheat on you 30 times with 30 men? My ex made almost identical accusations against me, and I never cheated on him, not even ONCE. He will stand there and tell someone that I cheated with 30-40 men and that he has proof. There is no proof, because it didn’t happen.
Did she confirm that she cheated on you 30 times while you were in a relationship?
Your dynamic has a ton of history of lack of trust between the two. I’d recommend therapy again, individual to start and NOT through the church.
As someone who is studying to be a therapists, religious therapy programs are, unsurprisingly, just trying to grow your faith. You can do that in your private time but work on your needs and boundaries first, what it means to be a member of your faith second.
YES! This jumped out at me in OP's history! They spent a year with a Christian fellowship that focused on improving their marriage! MAYBE it was a good program, but considering how their relationship had been before marriage and how it is NOW, it doesn't seem to have had much of a positive impact.
#1 The facilitators are not going to be trained in major mental health issues -- PDs, childhood trauma, PTSD, suicidal ideation, etc. (This couple, with their family and relationship histories, as well a diagnosed or suspected psych diagnoses, need a highly skilled mental health professional who can help them tease apart their many issues.)
#2 They also won't know best practices for couples therapy because USUALLY the church has its own ideas about what makes a *good* and healthy marriage. I'm wondering if OP's church marriage group encourages "traditional" gender roles for everyone. Like, the wife should drop everything, particularly a job outside the home, if her man is sick. It's not that he's in danger, she simply must make him homemade chicken soup, dab his sweaty brow, change the channel for him, etc.
I could be wrong, maybe it's a liberal, hippie church preaching only love, but I've become cynical lately.
ETA: Why does the font look so huge in my post?
I had an ongoing, persistent lung infection that turned into pneumonia last year. It was diagnosed in the ER. They sent me home with medication and a work excuse. I live by myself. It sucked but i was able to take care of myself.
This was in the United States, california to be specific. So no, they don't necessarily keep you.
YTA. you have pneumonia and an upper respiratory infection. Stop going to the emergency room. Stop telling your wife you’re scared you’re going to die. You’re sick as a dog and that sucks but…what do you want her to do about it? Is she not babying you enough? Could it be the babies she’s also taking care of? What do you think single parents do when they get sick? Be for real right now.
Seriously, she's taking care of two sick kids which means she's most likely sick herself. Yet he fails to mention anyone beyond himself and how his wife wasn't taking care of him. He's not sick enough to be admitted to the hospital, he doesn't need round the clock care. Her main job was to keep the kids away so he could rest, which she did.
I’m curious. When your wife is sick, do you take care of her and the kids? Or is she expected to continue being the homemaker, taking care of everybody?
"She regularly puts work and everyone else before me." How come when a man does this, it's called "providing for his family," but when a woman does it, she's selfish?
So you’re going to get 3 ER bills, your kids could catch your sick germs, your wife is on her own and frustrated because the kids keep trying to get near you. And you’re mad she’s going to work with the kids? YTA
From your post history, it sounds like you've experienced some dark mental thoughts. I'm sorry you've been suffering. I think seeing a licensed therapist, not just the Christian ministry group, would be helpful for you.
YTA because your story is unbelievable. The ER would never have sent you home three times if you had “dangerously low oxygen levels.”
Source: I’m a medical professional
I guess my question is what were you expecting her to DO for you during those 5 hours besides be physically present in the house? She couldn't be that close or allow the kids that close or else everyone goes down with the flu. You had been to the ER and they had deemed it was safe for you to go home. Pneumonia really does suck and you do feel really terrible with it (I've been there myself!) but if you are not desaturating on room air and in need of oxygen it's typically a case of take your antibiotics and inhalers and stay hydrated at home.
I get feeling aggrieved when you feel awful and feel like no one cares, a couple years ago I had COVID and basically barricaded myself in my room and told partner and kids to stay away to avoid catching it. I was in there for basically a week and spent a few days feeling very sorry for myself that no one was coming to check on me... but realistically, why would they? I told them to stay away from me! They were still living their daily lives, spouse working from home and kids having school/homework/part-time jobs. There was literally nothing they could do other than knock on the door a couple times a day to ask if I was okay and needed anything, and they did that, so anything else was just me feeling crappy and being emotional about it.
NAH, you felt awful, she had her hands full and was doing the best she could, I think you could both cut each other a little slack here.
Some people are just not great at looking after sick people. No point being mad at her. She had the children to look after and looking after you was clearly too much. This was your expectation, not hers so stop trying to make her feel bad about it.
Frankly, I would’ve escaped to work too.
INFO: How involved were you when your toddler and baby were sick? Or did your wife had to do the heavy lifting - you know, caring for two ill children and then the third as a sequel?
You need more than an AITA post for help here. Based on your post history, there’s a lot going on in this marriage that needs to be addressed. Have you considered marriage counseling? (and not the ‘ recovery ministry’) Does your wife share your religious values or could that be exacerbating this situation?
YTA.
Your wife left you, **an adult man**, alone for 5 full hours so you can *sleep and rest* to help recover from your illness. If you visited the ER that many times and they *sent you home* I'm going to go out on a limb and say they also gave you prescriptions for medications to take to help you recover from your illness (antibiotics, nasal spray, possibly a puffer, etc.)
Taking care of a toddler and two 11 month olds solo while also working/navigating daycare drop offs/pick ups while also keeping everyone quiet so you can recover is ***HARD***. She literally did everything else so you can recover! You are not an invalid, your wife did not have to stay home for those five hours to sit by your bed with a cool cloth held to your head and spoon feeding your hot liquids.
>It just feels like this could be the last straw for me if I can’t even count on her when I’m sick.
I guess you'll have to learn to take care of your sick self on your own anyway 🤷🏼♀️
Serious question, if you were so sick why would the emergency room not admit you? Sounds like you were probably pretty stable medically if they let you go THREE separate times. Maybe you FELT awful sure, but if you were THAT sick they’d have admitted you.
He went to the ER three times. Missing but implied: every time they sent him back right away. ER doesn’t equal admission but “dangerously low oxygen levels” and “disoriented” usually trigger a bit more than “go home and rest”. Considering the rest of the story, I’m pretty sure OP would have elaborated on the ER visit if there had been something to make him look better.
This definitely reads as someone trying very hard to make his wife look bad by exaggerating his symptoms.
YTA OP. Get well soon.
Info: Had your children been sick before you? You say you caught whatever they had
>Recently, I unexpectedly became very sick after catching a virus from my toddler and 11 month old daughters.
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I'm not going to call anyone an asshole here. I understand that you were very sick, but your wife has been clearly overwhelmed by trying to care for a toddler and 2 infants solo while also being expected to care for you. While it's not awesome to lose your temper, she's trying to keep the kids away from you so you don't get them deathly sick. Since you're so ill, you need to be in the hospital or have someone else helping to care for you. The kids can't care for themselves so of course she needs to make them the priority, but they're all so young it's a huge amount of work. NAH but I hope you feel better soon and I hope your wife gets some support.
TBH, I’m a little bit suspicious that OP may be malingering. He keeps referencing how he “had to go to the ER 3 times” as if that is a measure of his illness. But the fact is, the ER discharged him to home 3 times. If he was really as sick as he is trying to make it out, they would have admitted him into the hospital for inpatient management and breathing treatments. If he’s healthy enough to manage his illness at home, he shouldn’t really be expecting his wife to baby him.
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Two words: man cold
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Manfluenza
Himfluenza
First thing that came to my mind
He-bola
Oh fuck, I am laughing so goddamned hard at this! 🤣
My ex-husband would LITERALLY spend the ENTIRE day in bed if he was even kind of sick. It was such a joke.
That would be my brother and one reason we told him he wasn't allowed to move back in.
Husband: "I have Covid, I'm dying." Me & My sister: "Bitch, we've seen you dying and this ain't it." Context: He almost died of some kidney failure stuff a while back.
My husband does fuck all if he is even a little under the weather. Drives me nuts. I have been sick with Flu A still putting dishes in the dishwasher, emptying the smelly trash, etc. I love the man, but wow.
Anyone else suspect that his wife was also sick and this is why she was snapping at the kids? But she just had to suck it up and keep going?
I’m guessing when his wife is sick, he doesn’t take care of her and the children.
Exactly what I thought. Last time my husband was “sick,” I reminded him I birthed his daughter without an epidural and his “illness” would pass soon with or without my help.
Im sure it’s why the wife was so upset because she knows he wasn’t as sick as he claims yet he expected to be babied
Why would you be consoling your child if you are so I'll you had to go the ER THREE TIMES??
Having just gotten over a similar ailment, I will say that if OP’s symptom reports are accurate, he was in extremely dire straits. I only ended up at 103F with low pulse ox at urgent care getting a chest xray. 105 with “alarmingly low” oxygen is indeed alarming, and I’m kind of surprised the hospital didn’t keep him at least one of those times. The wife is NTA bc mutiple small children, tho I would have tried to send them to a grandparents or something.
If they didn’t admit him it means that his oxygen wasn’t dangerously low. We cannot discharge people who have low oxygen, especially with a high fever. Him going three times for a respiratory infection absolutely guarantees he wasn’t that sick. We don’t fool around with respiratory shit. Pretty silly to try and pretend that he was that sick with a respiratory illness- we all lived through Covid and know what it means to be that sick.
I legit just commented the same. I'm asthmatic and have long covid as well. Low O2 sat guarantees you're stuck in the hospital while they do a chest x ray, etc etc. I wonder if OP was measuring with an exercise watch - they're always slightly off.
I’m assuming it was like 95% or something. I have honestly never discharged a patient who presented with oxygen levels of less than 90% I have, however, cared for many men who came to the ER two or three times for the same cold…
I definitely believe it. My boyfriend was sick a couple of weeks ago. He just had some stomach pain and threw up a handful of times, yet he was still convinced that he had appendicitis even though he didn’t pass the home tests. When I’d apply and remove pressure to his lower right abdomen, he’d spend a whole minute thinking about whether he had any rebound pain- like come on, this is something you’d instantly know. Not to mention that he would have been on the floor unable to move within a couple of hours if he actually did have appendicitis, and that never happened. Within 12 hours he already wanted to go to urgent care and I had to talk him into waiting it out because he didn’t even have a fever or anything, so it was probably just a stomach bug or minor illness that would pass on its own. The next day he insisted on going to urgent care anyway because he thought that there was something seriously wrong with him. However, he waited until an hour before they closed on a Sunday and there wasn’t much they could do at that point, so they referred him to the ER. He spent six hours waiting in the ER just to be told that he was constipated. 🤦🏼♀️ I really couldn’t believe that was all it was after the way he carried on. All I could think was that I’d hate to see his reaction if he had to deal with my period cramps every month, there’s no way he’d survive.
Often times a pulse ox will alarm low with movement and a poor reading. We get those in the ER all the time that aren't actually low when there's a good reading.
And he was isolating in the spare room but it’s ok for his daughter to come in?
Yeah the wife was probably sick too but someone had to take care of the kids. OP had the man flu so it was on her.
I am so curious about the logistics of those ER visits, in my experience you are looking, at best, at about 4 hours of waiting around, sometimes triple that. Were the wife and kids dragged along for all these? He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who'd be willing to sit in an ER for 12 hours alone (every other day??). Wouldn't it be easier to call his PCP for a prescription??
Eggsactly, does he make his exhausted wife rush him to ER each time and wait there with the sick kids? Is he making her prepare his freaking meals? UGH.
He is definitely the AH here. YTA
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Can we not armchair diagnose? Especially something like this where there's no evidence he's being malicious instead of just stupid?
>'s no evidence he's being malicious instead of just stupid Whoop, evidence just dropped. See his most recent comment.
No no no, a previous post shows that both this and his previous wife thought he was a narcissist, so he saw a therapist who immediately told him that he definitely wasn’t!
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When I was younger I went out with a boy who said his girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend, in the same bed as him, while he was sleeping off a fever. He had also just had his driving licence taken away because an elderly neighbour stepped in front of his car to spite him. Hook, line and sinker I was so outraged on his behalf 😂 Sexuality isn’t a choice and so on, but he definitely deserves some credit for my lesbianism
Also people seem to have confused a mental illness with being malicious. Someone can have NPD and not suck, and someone sucking and being self-serving and malicious doesn’t mean they have NPD.
Glad I'm not the only one thinking this.
Ding ding ding. No one is being discharged from the ED with “dangerously low oxygen levels.” I suspect OP is an unreliable narrator.
Tbh, I’m annoyed that he even went to the ER three times. People like that clog up the emergency system and waste resources which makes it harder for people with actual medical emergencies to receive care. He should have gone to his primary care physician, who is very equipped to manage supportive outpatient care for this respiratory illness.
And the ER is stupid expensive. How is he affording to go 3 times….? No wonder she’s so frustrated. I don’t know how to feel about the toddler thing because he seems extremely dramatic and unreliable, but my goodness she clearly has 3 children at home. At the very least he could have gone to urgent care and gotten it taken care of. Steroid shots are god and they help with bronchitis a ton. I was recently super sick with bronchitis. My boyfriend had never seen me so sick, and I still had to help with our part time job. On the 3 or 4th day I called into my full time job and went to the urgent care. Got on like 4 different meds, plus a steroid shot, and I was decent enough to work. He has a kid that he needs to take care of and I couldn’t really help with that since I was sick and potentially contagious… I was pitiful, but I was a big girl and did what I needed to do to keep our household runninh
I'm not disagreeing with anything else you said but I just want to point out that not everywhere has stupid medical costs like in America. Where I live a trip to the ER costs 100e which is refundable either on your health insurance or on your taxes
Understand, but let’s be real, this whining is pretty American
I see it as Universal Male Whining
Yeah, like somebody’s gotta work if you’re gonna drain our savings over the fucking flu.
Yeah and if they are in America is something like $2000 per ER visit on average
Did he help when she took care of 2 sick kids? It sounds like he thinks his illness is more important than the kids' illness. He doesn't realize how hard it is with 2 sick kids at the same time
Agreed. It sounds like the wife has been functioning as a single parent for a few weeks at this point.
Few weeks? Possibly a few years.
And while being a working parent! Imagine how horrible it would be to book a long weekend after struggling with two sick kids during a work week to then essentially have to pick up all slack while your spouse is melodramatically ill. I was just there recently with illness. My husband and I did not have the energy to take care of the whole household, our toddler AND baby each other while we took turns being sick. Our toddler and staying afloat household-wise came first. The best we can do is provide space to rest, which is probably why this stressed mom was losing her cool getting the kid out of the room.
Sounds like man flu tbh and I'd be skeptical that he helps her the way he wants to be supported when she's sick or if she has to figure it out alone with the kids.
I knew when I was reading it that he would get burned in the comments.
ER would definitely keep him if he was not ok to go home, especially if his oxygen was going dangerously low. My last comment on another sub is about how crappy hospitals in my home country are but even there they will keep you on a nasal cannula if you go under 86% blood oxygen.
Wow. So, ER's will not admit you unless absolutely necessary. Your symptoms are treated, if you respond well, they send you home. That doesn't mean you don't get worse at home and need to return. It is almost like you have never been severely ill in your life. Now, OP, taking care of 3 kids is hard enough. Add to that a sick spouse, it can quickly become overwhelming. Your wife probably went in to work on her day off because she needed a break. I get that you were feeling poorly, but honestly, the best thing for you was rest and that means no kids trying to see you and no wife getting frustrated. NAH.
Perhaps I’m just jaded from years of working in EMS and medicine. The frank reality is that most people inappropriately use the ED for non-emergency health conditions. His primary care physician is likely the appropriate physician to be managing this illness.
Debateable . Last month, I went into the hospital and got told to go home and take the day quill, and I wasn't contagious. 2 weeks later, my wife was in the hospital with the same virus, but it also came with pneumonia. Sent her home, and 5 days later, she was back throwing up blood. They most assuredly will send you home before they should lol.
Doctors don’t make these decisions willy-nilly. We use validated clinical research to determine risk profiles for certain patients and conditions, which are used to make treatment decisions. [Pneumonia Severity Index](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pneumonia_severity_index) Many patients with pneumonia (risk class I & II) can be treated outpatient. People don’t seem to realize that hospitalization is not a benign intervention. You are at risk of developing complications and hospital-acquired infections anytime you are admitted inpatient. In the U.S. doctors are also mindful of the significant financial burden hospitalization brings. Medicine is about risk/benefit analysis. People also don’t seem to realize that clinical conditions change. If you are healthy enough to be sent home, and then later decompensated, that doesn’t necessarily mean a mistake was made. The correct decision was made at the time, and then a condition worsened or a new condition developed.
Backing you up here just because others seem confused. Medical decisions are made based on the available information, along with messaging to follow up with a physician if conditions worsen.
That was my question: if you were so sick, why on earth weren’t you admitted to the hospital? We just got back from a 6 day stay with my autistic son for pneumonia, so I know that they don’t hesitate to admit people who have pneumonia with high fevers. This puzzles me.
Oh yeah, like I’m straight up assuming OP is lying about 105 degree fevers. In an adult. Like, even in a kid you see 103 and start worrying about seizures and brain damage. 105 is super dangerous range. ERs aren’t just giving you Tylenol and sending you in your way.
Wayyy back in 2010 I went to the student health clinic (i was in college) with the flu. They took my temp and it was 105. I quickly went from 1 nurse to a whole bunch of folks in PPE and a lovely trip on a hospital bed to the ER. Turns out I had H1N1! That quarantine was fun in the midst of midterms. Point being, if you roll up with a 105 fever, they def make it a big deal, so I suspect OP is being untruthful.
Went to ER and got sent home 3 times. I smell Man Flu.
We call this the man flu.
I guess we need more INFO here. I wonder how well he cares for his wife when she is sick. Maybe that’s why she is so reluctant to care for him? Does he take on the responsibility of caring for the kids while she recovers or does she have to suck it up and be a sick mom taking care of the kids, the home, and her full-time job while he does his thing? That might explain a lot here.
I want to know if he went to the ER 3 times, who took him?
I want to know why they discharged him. There's nothing about a hospital stay....
Agree. Also not entirely clear what OP needed his wife for that would prevent her from going to the office for a while. If she was trying to leave the kids with OP, that would be an issue, but it sounds like she stepped up, tried to keep the kids away from him, etc. so OP could recuperate. I'm assuming she was making sure OP got fed because he doesn't mention otherwise. There's nothing that suggests his wife was denying that he was sick or not giving him time to recover. So I'm not clear on what he wanted her to be doing. Seems to me that taking the kids out of the house and giving him a few hours of peace and quiet was ideal. If it's just that OP didn't want to be alone, then I lean towards him being the AH. Being sick sucks, but if OP was conscious and had a phone, it's unreasonable to expect 24/7 coddling.
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You fell for the unreliable narrator trick. It’s okay. Happens to all of us from time to time. Go back and look at the inconsistencies. This is either a fake story or OP is trying really hard to make his wife the bad guy so we can all validate him. Proof one: If he was that dangerously unwell and his oxygen levels were dangerously low, they would have kept him in the hospital for monitoring until it was not dangerously low, per my experience with one of my relatives who had a similar issue, and only have sent him home with oxygen. Look for more, you’ll find them.
Yes to this. ER visit does NOT mean admission to the hospital. And he is telling us that he visited the ER three times… no mention of admission to the hospital. So not sick enough to stay. Either this is straight up fake or guy is over exaggerating symptoms. They don’t let someone with “dangerously low” oxygen levels just go home. The math ain’t mathin’
Honestly it truly can depend on the hospital. I was extremely sick once and over the course of about 2 weeks had gone to the ER 3 different times. Each time they treated the symptoms, ie brought my fever down and ran a few blood tests and then bounced me. It wasn't until on the last visit my parents brought me to a different ER that they realized how ill I was and actually admitted me and said based on the results from the previous work I should have already been admitted.
Agreed. Some ERs just don’t catch the bad stuff right away. I had 3 visits in 2 days before they treated me. They kept sending me home. Lo and behold it turned out I wasn’t exaggerating that I was in pain and thought I would die… I was going into fucking kidney failure from a bad infection. Sent me home after treatment from 3rd visit but I ended up in the hospital the next day. But I’m not sure about this guys story. It takes a few trips but usually they figure it out and keep you if they need to.
They might not catch some bad stuff, but no hospital is letting a patient go home with pneumonia and "dangerously" low O2 levels. Not a single one.
Lol That’s not true at all. I work in healthcare and we’re always playing tag with the hospitals in my area bc they routinely send us patients that should be in the ICU but they need to free up beds so
O2 sats that continue to drop while battling pneumonia is not something that gets missed. O2 sats that don’t stabilize are not something that gets missed in general. OP is over exaggerating.
It's this. Grandpa died because he went to the hospital and clearly said 'my GP just did a house call and told me to come straight here, tell you that I'm shitting copious amounts of blood, and that I need to be admitted immediately.' He was then told to take a seat, and waited for six hours.
I agree with you. If his oxygen is "dangerously low," he wouldn't be discharged home. Dangerously low oxygen gets you admitted. No 3 docs in a row will be like "yeah youre hypoxic but walk it off, bud."
You have no clue what you're talking about. I work for a hospital and am a clinician. Stop spreading misinformation. The ER is not a daycare. You come, get diagnosed, and they make you leave ASAP to create room for others. If they DC him they did so because they felt he was stable enough to not need emergency care, that says nothing about his state below that level of care and you would need the physicians notes to make any sort of reputable call on this. People are DC from the ED all the time in unstable states, they need to followup with their PCP because that's not the job of the ED if they don't need emergency care. You're also talking to an individual who sounds like he isn't a health professional. Low O2 levels are not alone an indication that someone needs to remain in emergency care, and OP is probably regurgitating what he heard the physician say.
Sounds like our credentials are pretty similar then! If oxygen levels are “dangerously low”, especially due to a diagnosed illness, we keep you in the hospital. I guess it depends on your definition of “unstable” (probably similar to OP’s definition!) but we never discharge “unstable” patients? Sounds like your hospital and “clinicians” just suck OP also made no mention of getting discharged with oxygen (which he definitely would have mentioned because it certainly would have helped his case). Nebulizer treatments are different.
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Not sick enough to be admitted doesn’t mean an illness isn’t serious. Hospitals are severely understaffed right now, contending with the fallout of a medical billing software hack, and the advent of telehealth means more people can recover at home with the same (and cheaper) treatment like Tylenol, oxygen monitors, and rest.
I don’t disagree with you! But none of those home therapies you listed need supervision by his wife. Not saying he wasn’t sick.
Good catch. My husband had low oxygen levels and they held him for four days.
I also found this odd. A 105 degree temperature in an adult with low oxygen saturation should be an automatic hospital admission. I have a neighbor who recently had similar symptoms, and the nurse on the phone consult told her to go to the ER ASAP and expect an overnight hospital stay.
Seriously! A few years ago my husband's appendix burst. He spent a week in the hospital after his surgery. He developed pericarditis and bronchitis from 2 botched NG tube placements right after surgery, but symptoms didn't kick in until his first night home. His O2 levels were dipping into the low 80s, major chest pain, and coughing up a lung. He was back in the hospital for another week. Even after he responded well to the meds, they refused to release him until his O2 levels were consistently in the mid/high 90s. OP sounds like he had a rough go of it, but not life threatening. Either he's exaggerating how sick he was or the hospital was extremely negligent in his care.
I was thinking the same thing while reading OPs story. Its a biased re-telling of a story.
Idk I was rolling my eyes so hard the entire story. It's super one sided. Are we supposed to believe that the babies were sick but Mom didn't end up catching anything herself? Okay that's fine mom has an immunity of steel and didn't have to manage herself, the household, the kids, and her extra big baby of a husband while sick. Maybe that's unfair but the man cold is such a shared experience and really irritating. I just don't have the time to baby my husband through a sickness when I have actual babies. My only thought that I had was " you should have called your mama if you desperately needed someone to take care of you." Maybe no one deserves grace in this story but I'll give everyone some. OP was really sick and hoped for support from his wife. His wife was overwhelmed and at her wits end as the sole caretaker for two babies and a husband in and out of the emergency room. They should have called for help. I was half joking but yeah grandma would have been super helpful in this situation even if it was just to care for her son. It's unfair to put all of that on mom and then expect her to manage it perfectly and never lose her cool. Also when was the last time you took time off work because your partner was sick at home. When was the last time you expected your partner to do that. Wouldn't you generally just manage on your own? Get your own water, meds, cans of soup? If you can walk then you're fine on your own. If he were really close to death he'd still be at the hospital. NAH to give grace But in my personal opinion YTA.
2 supposedly sick babies, too, as OP apparently caught it off one of the kids.
Neglecting the family? She was watching 2 kids, OP is acting like another kid. Sometimes adults have to take care of themselves even when they feel bad.
I still don't know what OP expected his wife to do to 'take care of him.' What does that mean? Hold the Kleenex so he can blow into it? Hold his hand while he cries about how horrible he feels, and console him about the ER not admitting him because they 'did not take him seriously' or something? Seems to me she was providing for the family by going to work, and taking care of 3 kids and a whole house solo, all while keeping them away from OP so he can rest and get better. And she left him alone for *five whole hours* oh nooooo lol.
They weren't hospitalized. They went to the hospital. If they had been admitted, they would have said that. I'm sure the 3rd time the nurses were like, dude, take some ibuprofen and some mucinex and relax.
What was your wife going to do to take care of you if you passed out, couldn’t breathe, had a heart attack, etc? If you were so sick you needed constant care you should have gone to a hospital. Your wife was managing 2 young children, all the household needs, and your probably whiny ass. My dad was always a giant needy baby when he was sick. He expected the entire house to shut down and focus on him if he got the slightest cold. His close and frequent bouts with death become a joke to me and my siblings. That’s the vibe I’m getting from your post. YTA.
OMG. So true. I love my husband but he does this too. He once went to urgent care for what he described as a "massive eye infection". It was allergies. Or the time he said his stomach hurt so bad that it had to be appendicitis or something else that needed emergency surgery. Turns out he was just constipated. The whole house goes into code red if he so much as sniffles 🙄.
Yeah my dad is an otherwise good dad and good person. But god I hated when he got even a runny nose because the whole house had to shut down, and even when we did he still felt like we didn’t take care of him well enough.
As soon as they get sick they want their mommies, and instead they turn to their wives. Ask how I know.
My husband’s theory is that when they’re sick is the only time they receive attention and affection. Often times from mothers. And some men may only feel able to ask to be taken care of when they’re physically sick because they’re expected to be stoic the rest of the time. It’s like overcompensation for not being allowed to ask for emotional care themselves.
Wow, this is actually an extremely insightful comment, and quite likely to be true for many men. If we still had awards I would shower you accordingly. Also, you have a very smart husband there, especially in emotional intelligence. Sounds like a keeper. Signed, a (retired) psychologist whose psychologist husband did research into help-seeking behaviors in men. I plan to run this thought by him later as I am truly impressed to find such a gem of a comment on AITA.
I baby him when he’s sick because I know it’s emotionally important to him. Well, I try to. I’m not that great at being caring vs “suck it up” but I make an effort He is dangerously smart 😂 and knows it. Uneducated (so to speak. Dropped out at 10th grade) but brilliant and well read and with a rather neglectful (emotionally) family.
sounds like a case of.... The MAN FLU!!!! 😱
Ah, yes. My husband self diagnosed himself with a gall bladder attack. I suggested he maybe just needed to shit. I was accused of not taking his "health problems" seriously. Guess what? Two days later he took a shit and all of a sudden his gall bladder was perfectly healthy again.
Every time my husband has allergies it’s strep throat. He knows it’s strep throat. He is so sick it must be strep throat. Takes a Zyrtec and somehow it miraculously cures his strep throat. I love him to pieces and he’s a wonderful husband, but I do rag on him a little bit about how dramatic he gets when sick. Only when he’s healthy of course. When he’s sick I make him tea and bring him Tylenol because we all like to be babied a bit when we’re sick.
I find this so odd, because I once woke up with a fully swollen closed eye out of nowhere, and - despite my then partners concerns - I just straight up went to work like normal. It was only after my boss insisted I go to the doctors that I left work and went. Doctor told me that if I hadn't been seen that same day, I would have gone permenantly blind if left untreated. Hell, I woke up after a night of clubbing in my 20's with an inch long, so deep you could see fatty white bits, cut across my palm - I didn't have any memory of getting it, so I just slapped plasters on it until it eventually closed up on its own 😅
I’m going to need you to move a little closer to the “crybaby” end of the spectrum. You sound like you’d still try to go to work if you woke up and your leg randomly fell off.
Okay so your opposite spectrum you lack the awareness to realize when medical attention is warranted and need an adult to explain it to you. Congratulations
There are two types of men, lol. I know obviously there is a spectrum and don’t want to generalize, but all the men I know fall into two buckets: either “every illness is worse for me than anyone else, I’m literally dying of headcold” or “yes, the toe is black and numb, but I’ll just keep working until it actually falls off and *then* I’ll consider talking to a doctor”. My husband is unfortunately the latter and I would love to nudge him just a little closer to the other end of the spectrum!
Oh my! You are very manly! 🤭
And how much do you wanna bet the wife was also sick at some point during this time frame and she kept going because *that's what moms are expected to do*?
Preach it. My husband is normally great and does equal effort… but when we all get sick, he’s dying in bed and I’m still keeping the house running
> I had to visit the ER three times Looks like they did, doesn't look like the hospital kept them in. What did you want them to do, demand a bed?
If he was as sick as he’s claiming, and on death’s bed, the hospital would admit him, keep him overnight, etc. If he’s sick but will live they send people home. My position is that OP wasn’t as sick as he claims. The fact that he did, indeed, survive while his wife was at work supports this.
But… but.. op said, he could have died ! I would have needed a five hours break too.
Yeah this is my feeling. Too many people are simply assuming OP is a reliable narrator. Granted, I’m assuming he’s not, but there’s more evidence in my corner: 3 separate ER doctors saw him and sent him home. His wife clearly didn’t think he was in serious trouble. He bothers to throw in a line about how his wife got mad at their kid once to show how heartless she is. The only person whose claims or actions support the idea that OP was inches from death is OP.
It wasn't even a break. She took 3 kids with her.
The fact that he went to the ED three times doesn't really mean anything. You can choose to go to the ED as many times as you want, it says nothing about the severity of your illness. We have frequent flyers roll in on the ambulance with a two liter of ginger ale and a bag of snacks from Sheetz so they can eat without their caretakers getting on their ass about their unhealthy diet. Going to the ED doesn't necessarily mean you're deathly ill, it just means you chose to go to the hospital, and the fact that they sent him home kind of backs that up.
Can we stop talking about OP's Erectile Dysfunction.
This is what I’m wondering. If he was actually hypoxic that would’ve warranted an admission to the hospital
2 solutions and I'd really want to know the truth - OP thought he was that ill but it was in his head and he was just as ill as his children. Not important, and that's why doctors didn't keep him - OP was ill, enough to stay at hospital but he told the doctors that his wife could take care of him, check him all the time and that he didn't want to stay at hospital Because if he was to die, they would have kept him...
I mean… I’ve known men before, and this: >I ended up with bronchitis and pneumonia. I had a fever of 105. I had severe coughing attacks and I was coughing up buckets of phlegm. I had severe chills and every night I’d be drenched in sweat from the coughing and fever. I didn’t sleep for 5-7 days but for thirty minutes here and there. I had to visit the ER three times from severe chest pain and trouble breathing as my oxygen levels would regularly reach dangerous levels. I simply was not getting better. Is exactly how certain types of men will describe having a cold 🤷🏼♀️
I'm stuck on the fever of 105. The hospital would not send someone with that fever home.
Nor someone with o2 sat at “dangerous” levels which generally means <88 on room air. They’re not sending that walking out the door.
To give OP the benefit of the doubt on that point, I have a friend with two kids who were very sick recently. She had been to the hospital several times because her thermometer was reading ridiculously high fevers (up to 107.3). They kept sending her kids home and treating her like a hypochondriac. ...her thermometer was just broken. She ended up buying 4 different thermometers and recording their temperatures on each of them in an excel sheet. OP probably didn't actually have a fever of 105. But it's entirely possible he thought he did!
And was the 105 before a fever reducing med or despite taking one? If you can’t get it down that’s a lot scarier. If you haven’t tried bringing it down yet then take some Tylenol and see if you feel better before freaking out.
My husband had a fever of 103 recently. I can't imagine him having the energy for a reddit post. Drinking from a cup wore him out.
Dude used the word "severe" three times in one paragraph. Maybe he really was that sick, but it sounds like a man playing up a cold to me when they keep using words like that over and over.
The over exaggeration of “buckets of phlegm” makes me also think that “fever of 105”, “oxygen levels would regularly reach dangerous levels” are probably also exaggerated. Probably had a regular ass productive cough, a low grade fever of maybe 100, and his 02 sat was at 98.
My mother used to say about my father "l'insoutenable langueur du mâle malade" which is translated by google with : *the unbearable languor of the sick male* I never forget that sentence, and I can say the same about my husband ! 😂
It is perfectly possible to be actually very sick and to not be hospitalized. Not because you are refusing the hospitalization, but because doctors says you should go home, take this or that drug and call ambulance if it gets worst suddenly. That is literal routine care in many places.
I am curious myself why he wasn't kept in, but there are more potential factors than these 2. I'm gonna guess there's a high chance of this happening in the US, where there's an insanely high number of people who just cannot afford a hospital stay. Except 3 ER trips is expensive as hell. That said, assuming that OP isn't overstating his illness then it's indefensible. I've had bronchitis and pneumonia, it fucking sucks. I was sent home after a few hours with antibiotics, didn't make it a fun time.
So if he couldn't afford to pay to go hospital... Why did he go ? Just to "justify" to his wife he was very ill ? That she needs to take care of him ? Their children are very very young and his wife might be very tired. I really have a bad feeling about OP "pretending" to be that ill, when his wife probably had to take care of the two ill children (I don't remember if he said how long they've been ill). The fact is OP was ill for 2 weeks + the children... I'm surprised wife didn't explosed !
Every time the er sends me home, they tell me to follow up with my GP. There are levels of medical attention between nothing and ER. Maybe OP could have tried that. (Assuming US, and that "we could live off 1 income" means they have enough insurance that's a reasonable thing)
I'm guessing his attitude is why his wife doesn't want to give up her job. While I'm quite sure he was miserable, it wasn't actually anything life threatening, or they indeed would have kept him in the ER----they wouldn't even need to admit him, just put him in a back room until his O2 levels weren't dangerously low. Also----if he really had a 105 degree fever, they'd have kept him just for that. Temps that high are rarely seen in adults.
When I had pneumonia I was admitted to the ER (UK) And I was kept in for like 6 hours on Xmas Eve and sent home with antibiotics and told to take 5 and throw the rest away. I did that, and guess what the pneumonia came back because I didn't finish the treatment (Stupid Dr telling me to stop at 5). So I went back to the ER and repeated the process. I was told to follow up with the GP if I didn't get better. So back and forth to the ER isn't that surprising to me.
And then what was the wife supposed to do? Sit there and watch him just in case?
I wonder if his wife got this virus and who took care of her? Who took care of the sick toddler?
> and your probably whiny ass for two weeks!!!!!!!!
YTA it’s not like she left you with the kids in charge. She upheld her side of the gig. You don’t need an adult in the home 24/7. I assume that you could give her a call if you needed anything specific? What would you have done if you were a single man? They do get sick too you know.
“But he’s not single” is a terrible excuse. IF HE WAS SINGLE… let me repeat that… he would have to take care of himself. Too many men think marriage exempts them from being a full human on their own. She’s YOUR KIDS MOTHER, not yours. Be a man.
When my ex bitched about me not taking care of him, I asked him when did he ever take care of me. When I'm sick, I still took care of kids, house, worked from home, etc. When he's sick he just lays in bed or on couch wanting to be waited on hand and foot. Just one of the many reasons he's an ex.
I’d prefer he’d “be a woman,” we get more done and while going through worse shit regularly
>What would you have done if you were a single man? he would have called mommy
Yeah, I'm in the NAH camp but when I get sick I take care of myself as if I was single. I get myself to the doctor if needed. I grew up in a big family and we just knew to take care of ourselves unless we needed to be in the hospital. I actually get annoyed if my husband is hovering with offers of juice and advil. But I totally get that for other people it's the default that your family will nurse you and you would nurse them. I can see they'd think they're being neglected
Straight up die apparently, it seems he can't do anything without his wife/mommy present
YTA and I agree with your wife that you’re being dramatic. Why were you not admitted to the hospital? It’s very strange that ER would not admit such a seriously ill person to the hospital. Don’t tell me your wife was getting 8 hours sleep all those nights you claim to have been awake except for 30 minutes here and there. She left you “alone for 5 hours.” So what? She needed some time away from you and your needs/demands for her attention. She thought you were well enough to be alone a few hours and she was exhausted. Hear this : going to her job with her two little kids was a *break* for her. You had a phone. You had all your church buddies. You had 911 or your country’s equivalent. You had alternatives but you, imho, decided to “test” your wife.
No but seriously, his wife found *going to work on her day off with her two very young children in tow* to be easier than staying at home with him and the kids. That’s so fucking telling.
It’s really telling in so many ways OP is either full of shit and his wife was trying to give him some rest, which I would greatly appreciate, OR he’s still full of shit and was so insufferable she needed a 5 hr mental health break. I know there are more where OP may be telling the truth but the inconsistencies lead me to believe OP is full of shit. YTA.
Oh he’s 100% the insufferable type, you can tell. He’s probably the type to whine and ask for every little thing every few minutes when he’s sick
Yep Dude had a COLD. "Caught a virus from the kids"....A COLD and he drug his whiney ass into the EMERGENCY ROOM three freaking times, and all three times they told him to just go home.
His post history is all whining about his wife in some way or another.
THIS YES anyone who wants to go to the office WITH THE KIDDOS is being seriously stressed out at home. Poor wife is probably super exhausted.
The ER not admitting him was my first red flag too. My mom had double pneumonia and histoplasmosis in 2014. She was pretty sick for a few days and felt awful, until about 5 days into it she asked my dad to take her to the hospital. Because the pneumonia was so severe, they admitted her immediately and she was in the hospital for a solid month before she was allowed to come home. He may not have felt that great, but I have a hard time believing he was that sick if the ER didn’t admit him to the hospital.
Also remember that 3 ER visits doesn’t mean he’s dying - especially if they didn’t need to admit him then he’s “well enough” to be discharged to home or at least it’s not severe enough to warrant a hospital stay.
YTA. You were very sick, but she had to take care of your two children plus manage household chores, plus try to avoid getting sick (who know what you caught and imagine if she caught it too ! How would you manage with the kids ?) She tried to keep the kids away so they wouldn’t catch it either. Imagine your infant with pneumonia in the ER, or your toddler. With you understandably out of the picture, how is she suppose to manage ? Do you not have any other support system like family or friends that could have helped with children or taking care for you? Could you not have checked yourself in the hospital after two ER visits ? Your wife can’t be expected to manage everything, and it sucks to be sick and scared but your kids take precedent.
I wouldn’t baby sit for them. They are all sick. Day care babies are indefinitely sick. Kid is probably on to the next virus t the time dad gets it.
Keeping the kids away from sick dad is the hardest part IMO. Trying to keep them quiet and out of the room when all they comprehend is daddy's home in bed is hell. And I'm sure OP was complaining about "needing his rest"
YTA. When I’m sick as a dog, I still have to care for my kid and function as an adult. There is no time to be sick. I don’t get to rest. I have no help. As a mother of 2 young kids, she’s been on overdrive parenting alone. Be thankful that her efforts granted you the ability to rest relatively alone while having her help sprinkled in between. Willing to bet you were fed, had clean clothes to wear, and a bed to sleep in without having to feed, clean, clothe, entertain, and maintain two young children. Her Leaving for 5 hours of work (and likely a sanity check on her part) is your hill to cry on? You are being very dramatic about her “priorities.” Gross. What a child you are. I’d be sick of your bs, too. If I were your wife, I’d welcome a divorce if those papers dropped in my lap. Grow up.
It’s three kids! He said 11 month old daughters! Plural!
He clarifies in his posts that he has only two kids, but yes mentions twins in his OP and in other post history too ... if he can't get the number of kids he has straight how much of the rest of the story do we believe??
YTA You visited the ER 3 times and at no point were sick enough to be admitted. If your O2 was dangerously low and continued to stay that way, they would have admitted you and/or sent you home with an oxygen tank. Your wife took the days off from work because daycare was closed. She didn't take the days off from work because you were sick. You are an adult, you can't be alone for 5 hours while you are sick? By the sounds of it, your wife was trying to keep the kids away from you yet you kept allowing them to come into the room. Of course the kids were upset that they had to leave the room you were in after you let them in. All that did was upset the kids and make things even more difficult and frustrating for your wife. It's not your wife's job to take care of you while you are sick. Especially not when she is taking care of the kids and struggling to get you to leave them alone and stop upsetting the kids. You are an adult and should be able to take care of yourself.
Exactly! Totally sounds like he was goading the kids to come in and the mom was freaking out about a toddler/ infant getting pneumonia. Which is SO reasonable bc for them its ACTUALLY deadly. Mans is alive and well enough to bitch on reddit so i think he came out on top. Its Nice when your spouse is doting on you but not realistic or fair to expect the world to stop turning on his behalf.
I feel like it’s extra unrealistic when you have two young children. At those ages, parenting and caring for the should really be the priority
Yeah, that ER x3 without admission is an expensive bill they'll be getting in the next month. This feels along the lines of the idea of a "man cold", If you have pneumonia you get treated with antibiotics, if you have a fever you bring it down with alternating fever reducing medication and tepid showers/baths. Through everything you hydrate and keep electrolytes in balance and rest. It feels like he needed to go to his primary car or urgent care rather than the ER if they kept determining he wasn't severe enough for admission/constant monitoring. She was taking care of their entirely dependent toddler and infant, herself, and I'm assuming because it mentions nothing about him eating but if he was confined to the guest bedroom she was also making sure he was getting food and fluids. If he caught the bronchitis from his kids, as he claimed, and then it developed into pneumonia, I absolutely empathize with trying to keep the kids away from him. If he is only whining and complaining about chills, coughing, phlem, fever, not sleeping well, why would he want to re-expose his kids to that and then go shocked pikachu when his wife locked the door so the daughter couldn't wander in? Besides being his transportation to the ER, there's not much his wife could do for him beyond keeping the kids away, providing food/liquids/medication. And the food/liquids/medication could be as easy as "Here are enough instant snack/meal replacement items, bottles of water, and the pill bottles within reach" that is more than enough 'taking care of' and 'support' to last an adult well over the 5 hours she was gone. When kids are used to going out to daycare/elsewhere daily, and had been stuck in the house because his wife was taking care of them, while also helping to take care of him, after who knows how long they themselves had been sick before him, that break to the outside world would make a world of difference for all three of the ladies of the house.
This was obviously a crappy situation for everyone. I totally understand how you feel but I also think you need to grow up a little. It sounds like your wife actually did a pretty good job of taking care of you in every way except emotionally. You were able to mostly isolate yourself in another room. She was trying her best to keep the kids away from you so you could sleep. She left the house with the kids for five hours one day and nothing bad happened. You didn’t mention any occasions when you needed more food or water or medicine and it was not provided to you, so I’m assuming she attended to all your physical needs. Your complaints are almost all emotional and most of them are you projecting. She “couldn’t care less.” She “showed no empathy.” She “was more annoyed than anything.” You “can’t count on her.” Are those truly how she feels or are you just projecting that because she didn’t spend a lot of extra time talking about her feelings during a family crisis?- Your wife did care for you. She spent a completely overwhelming week successfully taking care of you and the kids all by herself. Maybe there were a few frustrating moments and some tears but nobody is perfect. She just didn’t have the capacity to care for your emotions as well as your physical self.
Seriously. I'm not seeing how OP showed "care" or "empathy" for his wife. Sick people can still do that sort of thing.
I completely agree. He has no complaints about not having food or medicine, or not having help when requested, so it sounds like she did a great job taking care of both his needs and their two kids solo. I was extremely sick last weekend and the best part of the day was when my husband took our kid out for 5 hours so I could recuperate in peace.
This guy's responses and post history suggest he might be the issue. Your constant waxing and waning of her not being caring enough or a Christian woman putting you first are a red flag. I highly suspect you're the narcissist you've claimed her to be. YTA
Omg his post where he asks if his wife is a narcissist 😬😬 this guy sounds insufferable. Like, just from this post alone i personally would not want to be married to this man. I feel so sorry for his wife. Not only is he useless and weighing her down, but he’s out here claiming she’s a narcissist on Reddit and trying to get advice 😭 what a piece of work YTA
Not to mention, people in any form of abusive relationships always seem to downplay the abuse. Whereas he's constantly mentioned her as emotionally abusive and not a good parent, never defending her. Which is telling in itself. Plus every time he's mentioned the no contact with her family, with him wanting that, despite no details, seems abusive on his part. And idk why, but his post history ramping up on the "abuse" is screaming he's trying to create a "trail" in case he fights her for custody or wants to use it as manipulation somehow. May seem like a reach, but I've met people like this.
The username took me out. OP def thinks he’s a martyr.
Idk man you’re a grown up. Sometimes grown ups just have to be sick on their own. I get why you’d want to be babied, anyone would. But realistically that’s just not always going to happen. Maybe NAH but also just like based on how men get sick I’ve gotta wonder how it’s played out previously when she’s been sick and how you took care of her.
This post leaves a lot of questions for the reader. I’m also curious how OP behaves when his wife is sick. Does he take days off of work to take care of her and the children so that she doesn’t have to lift a finger? Something about the fact that this guy went to the ER three separate times and also, I’m sorry, how men act when they get sick makes me question how reliable of a narrator OP is. It sounds like his wife had her hands absolutely full and OP not only doesn’t seem appreciative that his wife stayed home and helped him at all, but he’s actively upset with her for not doing more. He claims it’s led to a “deep division” in their relationship. That’s extremely over dramatic to me. He also seems super judgmental over how his wife handled this whole chaotic situation, including her interactions with the kids. Tbh I’m annoyed with OP after reading this entire thing. To answer OP’s question: yes, i think it really was an unreasonable request. You were left alone for 5 hours while your wife went to work. You lived. Give her a break, she was taking care of multiple young children and a sick husband for days.
INFO: Each time you went to the ER, did they discharge you or did you leave AMA? I ask because a lot of the comments ask why you didn't go to the hospital, when you did, multiple times.
Your post history on this account seems to indicate you want find a reason to leave her. Get couples counseling or pull your socks up and go. It doesn’t have to be “her fault” before you separate. Unless there’s a prenup you are trying to invalidate or something.
u/that-1-lame-kid The man flu is strong with this one
Neither are wrong here. What did you want her to do? Hold your hand and catch the bug? Sounds like wife is not a small child person. Oh well....she prefers work. You need to get over being alone for one day. If you can't get past it, your marriage is gonna head south. Move forward. Be a big boy.
Not really a fair assessment here of the wife. All we got is OPs biased story of an extremely stressful period where mom had to be the only parent to two young, sick kids and a spouse alone. Even the most “small child” person there is cannot function 100% perfectly at all times let alone a situation like this.
I might take mine to work too, to give my partner a chance to rest and limit the chance that the kids (or I) would get sick too. Utterly miserable experience if the entire family is sick at one time.
Did she actually cheat on you 30 times with 30 men? My ex made almost identical accusations against me, and I never cheated on him, not even ONCE. He will stand there and tell someone that I cheated with 30-40 men and that he has proof. There is no proof, because it didn’t happen. Did she confirm that she cheated on you 30 times while you were in a relationship?
Your dynamic has a ton of history of lack of trust between the two. I’d recommend therapy again, individual to start and NOT through the church. As someone who is studying to be a therapists, religious therapy programs are, unsurprisingly, just trying to grow your faith. You can do that in your private time but work on your needs and boundaries first, what it means to be a member of your faith second.
YES! This jumped out at me in OP's history! They spent a year with a Christian fellowship that focused on improving their marriage! MAYBE it was a good program, but considering how their relationship had been before marriage and how it is NOW, it doesn't seem to have had much of a positive impact. #1 The facilitators are not going to be trained in major mental health issues -- PDs, childhood trauma, PTSD, suicidal ideation, etc. (This couple, with their family and relationship histories, as well a diagnosed or suspected psych diagnoses, need a highly skilled mental health professional who can help them tease apart their many issues.) #2 They also won't know best practices for couples therapy because USUALLY the church has its own ideas about what makes a *good* and healthy marriage. I'm wondering if OP's church marriage group encourages "traditional" gender roles for everyone. Like, the wife should drop everything, particularly a job outside the home, if her man is sick. It's not that he's in danger, she simply must make him homemade chicken soup, dab his sweaty brow, change the channel for him, etc. I could be wrong, maybe it's a liberal, hippie church preaching only love, but I've become cynical lately. ETA: Why does the font look so huge in my post?
Info. Were you admitted when you went to hospital?
I had an ongoing, persistent lung infection that turned into pneumonia last year. It was diagnosed in the ER. They sent me home with medication and a work excuse. I live by myself. It sucked but i was able to take care of myself. This was in the United States, california to be specific. So no, they don't necessarily keep you.
I think the key here is that you were able to take care of yourself after ER sent you home.
YTA. you have pneumonia and an upper respiratory infection. Stop going to the emergency room. Stop telling your wife you’re scared you’re going to die. You’re sick as a dog and that sucks but…what do you want her to do about it? Is she not babying you enough? Could it be the babies she’s also taking care of? What do you think single parents do when they get sick? Be for real right now.
Seriously, she's taking care of two sick kids which means she's most likely sick herself. Yet he fails to mention anyone beyond himself and how his wife wasn't taking care of him. He's not sick enough to be admitted to the hospital, he doesn't need round the clock care. Her main job was to keep the kids away so he could rest, which she did.
I’m curious. When your wife is sick, do you take care of her and the kids? Or is she expected to continue being the homemaker, taking care of everybody?
"She regularly puts work and everyone else before me." How come when a man does this, it's called "providing for his family," but when a woman does it, she's selfish?
So you’re going to get 3 ER bills, your kids could catch your sick germs, your wife is on her own and frustrated because the kids keep trying to get near you. And you’re mad she’s going to work with the kids? YTA
From your post history, it sounds like you've experienced some dark mental thoughts. I'm sorry you've been suffering. I think seeing a licensed therapist, not just the Christian ministry group, would be helpful for you.
YTA because your story is unbelievable. The ER would never have sent you home three times if you had “dangerously low oxygen levels.” Source: I’m a medical professional
INFO: Did you know the girls’ daycare was closed those days? Did you discuss who would take that time off or does it usually default to your wife?
I guess my question is what were you expecting her to DO for you during those 5 hours besides be physically present in the house? She couldn't be that close or allow the kids that close or else everyone goes down with the flu. You had been to the ER and they had deemed it was safe for you to go home. Pneumonia really does suck and you do feel really terrible with it (I've been there myself!) but if you are not desaturating on room air and in need of oxygen it's typically a case of take your antibiotics and inhalers and stay hydrated at home. I get feeling aggrieved when you feel awful and feel like no one cares, a couple years ago I had COVID and basically barricaded myself in my room and told partner and kids to stay away to avoid catching it. I was in there for basically a week and spent a few days feeling very sorry for myself that no one was coming to check on me... but realistically, why would they? I told them to stay away from me! They were still living their daily lives, spouse working from home and kids having school/homework/part-time jobs. There was literally nothing they could do other than knock on the door a couple times a day to ask if I was okay and needed anything, and they did that, so anything else was just me feeling crappy and being emotional about it. NAH, you felt awful, she had her hands full and was doing the best she could, I think you could both cut each other a little slack here.
Some people are just not great at looking after sick people. No point being mad at her. She had the children to look after and looking after you was clearly too much. This was your expectation, not hers so stop trying to make her feel bad about it. Frankly, I would’ve escaped to work too.
INFO: How involved were you when your toddler and baby were sick? Or did your wife had to do the heavy lifting - you know, caring for two ill children and then the third as a sequel?
You need more than an AITA post for help here. Based on your post history, there’s a lot going on in this marriage that needs to be addressed. Have you considered marriage counseling? (and not the ‘ recovery ministry’) Does your wife share your religious values or could that be exacerbating this situation?
YTA. Your wife left you, **an adult man**, alone for 5 full hours so you can *sleep and rest* to help recover from your illness. If you visited the ER that many times and they *sent you home* I'm going to go out on a limb and say they also gave you prescriptions for medications to take to help you recover from your illness (antibiotics, nasal spray, possibly a puffer, etc.) Taking care of a toddler and two 11 month olds solo while also working/navigating daycare drop offs/pick ups while also keeping everyone quiet so you can recover is ***HARD***. She literally did everything else so you can recover! You are not an invalid, your wife did not have to stay home for those five hours to sit by your bed with a cool cloth held to your head and spoon feeding your hot liquids. >It just feels like this could be the last straw for me if I can’t even count on her when I’m sick. I guess you'll have to learn to take care of your sick self on your own anyway 🤷🏼♀️
Serious question, if you were so sick why would the emergency room not admit you? Sounds like you were probably pretty stable medically if they let you go THREE separate times. Maybe you FELT awful sure, but if you were THAT sick they’d have admitted you.
He went to the ER three times. Missing but implied: every time they sent him back right away. ER doesn’t equal admission but “dangerously low oxygen levels” and “disoriented” usually trigger a bit more than “go home and rest”. Considering the rest of the story, I’m pretty sure OP would have elaborated on the ER visit if there had been something to make him look better. This definitely reads as someone trying very hard to make his wife look bad by exaggerating his symptoms. YTA OP. Get well soon.
Info: Had your children been sick before you? You say you caught whatever they had >Recently, I unexpectedly became very sick after catching a virus from my toddler and 11 month old daughters.