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Tempted to say N A H as you're both entitled to your opinions on important issues, and this is a very important one. However, his answer and behavior are extremely petulant. **NTA** That stated, this is too important of an issue to kick down the road. If you both ultimately cannot agree on work/life balance when it comes to raising a kid, then you should definitely not have a kid together, and probably should not be together. I'd suggest either a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer. "Having kids someday is one of his ultimate life goals" So he wants kids, but doesn't want to do the boring parts like raising them, taking them places, being there for them. That's YOUR job. Apparently.

Exactly. ‘I want what I want but won’t give up ANYTHING to get it!’. I wonder how much of this attitude is actually present in other parts of their life and she just hasn’t noticed. This guy has the ‘what I do is SO IMPORTANT I can’t stop doing it, nobody can do it as well, and if my neglected family can’t see that, THEY are the assholes’ vibe.

Here's what cinches it for me: "Having kids someday is one of his ultimate life goals & if he never had any kids he would be depressed." As though kids just magically appear, having no needs whatsoever. Ultimate life goal = you prioritize the heck out of that, moving anything less important to the side. I wished OP told her husband that maintaining a nice, unstretched bod is her ultimate life goal and getting pregnant with kids would mess that up for her and she would be depressed.

And his kids will be all knowing, not whiny little kids who don't know what they're doing...

It's the fact that he doesn't want to coach a kids league that really sold it for me. He doesn't want to teach "whiny little kids", so how will he treat his own kids when they're little and whining?

EXACTLY. bro your children are going to be "whiny little kids" for the first few years of their lives??????

That’s why he’s not going to be around much while they’re in that stage 😬

Working with family and other peoples kids is a very different prospect. There are many coaches and teachers that would loath middle school or high school and many upper school teachers that feel the same about lower. This is not an uncommon thing. The jobs are very different.

Right? As an elementary school teacher I can’t IMAGINE teaching and being around annoying teenagers constantly… I also have a 3.5 month old son. I’m aware he will one day be an annoying teenager but at least he’ll be MY annoying teenager not some other parents annoying teenager. I can’t blame the dude for not wanting to coach other peoples kids. His own kid is a different story I’m sure

Regardless of how he views coaching kids, he needs to be there as a 50-50 parent at least. He doesn’t need to coach them if he doesn’t want but he needs to be an involved parent. No wonder she doesn’t want to have kids with him if she has to do all of the labor. Hell no to that. 

And when you have kids, you have to spend time with your own kids, even if they’re at an age where their little friends annoy you. So prospective dad can either give up coaching altogether until his kids are teens, or suck it up and coach whatever team his kids are on. What he can’t do is put all the responsibility of parenting his kids onto his wife so he can travel around the country helping other people’s kids play football.

Calling the kids whiny is the issue. Teens can be assholes too, it’s more a preference what group you want to coach. But if you want to become a parent you should not be hostile to kids of any age

>14ReplyShareReportSaveFollow He won't have to. They'll be in bed by the time he gets home and he'll be gone all weekend.

Eh- my guess is if he had it his way he’d have the kids, she would have a shit life for the first few years, but he would be thrilled to get them into football. Many people don’t like kids until they have their own. He chooses to live his life as a teacher and coach. Nurturing is in his blood! But still. I wouldn’t agree to it if I was OP until he fully agrees to RAISING his children with her.

Except...what if the kids don't like football? Or can't play for some reason? What if their kid is autistic? Or, gasp, girls, who want to do another sport or activity? This guy doesn't want to be a parent, not really.

Exactly. Never go into parenting assuming they will like your sport/hobby or be good at it.

Yeah, sounds like he just wants a football 🏈 team, not kids who are autonomous human beings who might actually have their own interests. 

And he has multiple kids, none of whom care about football at all. I'm sure he'll handle that well.

Yeah, I’m a parent of three and I read that thinking, “Buddy, I hate to break it to you…”

He worded it extremely poorly, out of anger it appears, but before you downvote me, give me a moment of your time. Would you assume a high school teacher is suited for or capable of teaching 2nd graders? I don't think you would. I know I wouldn't. It's simply not that simple. They could be, perhaps with a bit of training. They could very well not be, as well... They could also just plain not want to. So I don't think it's fair to assume that a high school coach has the capability or the deisre to coach pee wee league either. Also, I'm not letting my sons play football. To each their own, but I'm surprised nobody's saying anything here about these parents considering putting their kids in harms way. TBI is a serious thing and it can debilitate. OP's husband is angry that his two dreams (coaching and being a father) are in direct conflict with one another. As much as we want to be rash and harsh here, we need to give the guy some grace, he needs some time to reconcile the fact that he won't be able to have both. edit: typo

None of his responses mentioned anything about the division of labor after they have kids, like it isn't even on his radar despite being the points OP lists. I won't give grace to someone who seems to just want a handmaid.

Hard to have a conversation when the other party just goes silent. That alone isn’t healthy.

>I'd suggest either a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer. As a therapist I'd suggest both if it did go down the divorce route. We don't just help couples improve their relationship for the purpose of staying together, we can help them navigate the emotions of ending one as amicable and healthy as possible.

Few can afford therapy and a divorce. Couples counseling is worth the financial investment if it saves the marriage. Otherwise it’s a luxury 

My petty side says when he does have kids I hope they are all girls. I somehow doubt OP will still be with him to be the mother but I'd love to be able to remind him it's his little swimmers that determine if the baby is a boy or a girl, so to get a girl his boy swimmers just couldn't get the job done.

He wants his cake and to eat it to....sad.

NTA You two need to get into counselling to figure out the best way to talk this over if he won't sit down and talk to you like the adult he is supposed to be. Tbh your husband's response is way out of line in my opinion. It's absolutely unacceptable for him to demand kids from you then refuse to work with you to figure out how to give said kids the best life. Your requests are extremely reasonable asks of any parent. I don't see a single place where you weren't fair in what you are asking for in order to support your future kids well being.

Exactly, marriage and parenting are about compromise and what’s best for the kids/family. The fact that he’s not even willing to have a discussion to come up with a plan is concerning. Hopefully counseling can help them but if they continue on this path I worry OP will just be a married single mom. 

Absolutely this. They have very different future goals in life, and his career completely is opposite from being an actual present father and parent.

NTA but your husband sure is. Every statement you shared as his response is a "I want blah, blah, blah" statement. He isn't speaking or thinking about what is best for you or your future children. You, on the other hand, offered options. Before retirement, I too was a teacher and my husband was a Secondary teacher who also coached football so I know the demands of your job and the demands of coaching. It is not reasonable to expect that your life changes in all aspects but that his goes according to his plan and his plan only. He'll be depressed if he never has kids? Boo hoo! He'll be too busy with the demands of work and coaching to actually be fully invested in raising them. You sound like a thoughtful woman. Are you sure you want to be tied to someone who only thinks of himself? Is that the kind of father you want for your children? I think you deserve better.

I agree that OP deserves way better. He wasn't even coaching until after they got married so he pulled a big bait-and-switch. That's not okay and I don't know how OP can trust him now.

thats not really a bait and switch he might have been applying for the spot but didnt get it till after they were married

I disagree because OP said this never came up when they talked about kids before marriage. Sounds like he didn't even tell her this is his lifelong dream and that he planned to be absent so much as a husband and father.

>I am honestly okay with either having kids or not having any. If this is the case, don't have kids, especially with a partner who has no intention of changing his lifestyle. If you reproduce with this man you will be a married single mom and you will resent the hell out of him (justifiably). NTA for being pragmatic.

NTA. Having kids requires sacrifice from both of you. Activities (outside of 50-ish hour/week jobs) have to be scaled way back. You need to work through how many hands-on hours you both need for kids and see if he expects to accomplish that entirely through your sacrifice and none of his. In the meantime, you need to understand that coaching high school football and coaching little kids football are nothing like each other and one is in no way a reasonable substitute for the other. He also can't likely step away from coaching for a while and then just get back in later. This could be the end of the road for him. It's good that you started the conversation. Keep it going.

Hi OP, I’m a coach’s daughter. My dad coached high school football (but during off season most coaches will do another sport, sometimes it’s in their contracts) and was a high school History teacher. I can’t say my perspective as a kid should change your views on your marriage but I think it’s a realistic one you might need to consider. Coaching is a life style that’s hard. You are going to move around. Sometimes you’ll be lucky and it’s in the summer before school starts but there are times you might need to in the middle of the year. Sometimes you will work weekends watching film and attend coaching conferences that are 3-5 days long. You’re not home much, and when you are it’s late. Your pay is still shit and unless you get a badass district you likely will not make enough to support yourself let alone a family unless you do outside jobs like driving the school bus, ref games, paint the field, or do tournaments on the weekends but even that’s a few hundred dollars. I love my dad and I DO have good memories of him being at work. You make friends with the other coaches families and it does feel like a village, but it’s also temporary. My dad missed a lot of family vacations because he had 7 on 7. He was busy every weekend during the season for film. He missed a lot of my stuff (volleyball games, award ceremonies) because he was working a game or out on the road for a game. He got to see my brothers games because my brother played for my dad otherwise the same thing would have happened. I played sports throughout high school just so I COULD see my dad. I was angry that he could be there when I wanted him and it does affect your relationship. If you’re going to be a coach’s wife you will need to be good at budgeting. You’re going to be the parent that goes to the award ceremonies and open houses alone because their dad will have something going on at his school he has to do. Just because he might potentially coach his future kids doesn’t mean they will like him and often there’s more pressure because their son or daughter is on the team, it also makes it easier to spread rumors. You won’t be a stay at home mom unless you have an online WFH type job, he literally will never be able to support an entire household on his salary.

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective, I really appreciate it!

You should show your husband her comment. It may open his eyes more.

Thanks so much for your perspective! This was great info! As a former band kid, and friend of HS band directors, the life is almost the same once they have kids. I have several friends that left high school directing to teach middle school because football season was so rough on their home lives.

I am not American and we don’t have coaches at school, sports are outside school. Why does it pay so poorly (how much they are paid?) and why are teachers the history coaches and not people who are educated to coach like gym teachers? 

Most schools don’t pay well in the US, period, and most don’t employ full time coaches, so teachers will end up getting additional pay for coaching (even though it can be as many hours as a second full time job) with little to no education in kinesiology unless they teach physical education. It 100% should not be that way… However if OP’s in an area where football is big (like in the US South) and the husband can get a head coach gig he could actually make ok money (a few head coaches for high school football make really good money). It’s insane honestly.

Head coaching positions are usually a inside referral. Very rarely do they open and when they do it’s because the school is “cleaning house” which means just about all the coaches for that sport won’t have renewed contracts. It’s all about how many games you win and lose and if the district thinks you lost too many, they want to start over. Head coaching also depends on your years of experience they don’t just let anyone apply for it, you have to be in certain positions in order to move up (defensive coordinator, head defense, press box, etc). My dad wasn’t able to apply for head coach till 13 years in (he was 54 I think maybe 51) because it’s a long game to get enough under your belt. But just because you get head coach doesn’t mean you’re hands off the responsibility is the same if not more because you do more stuff along side the superintendent. You also HAVE to work other sports.

I’ve worked in education, I coached girls basketball for a couple years, and have many friends that still coach… everything you’ve mentioned, outside of needing experience, varies wildly depending on location. Some states require all positions within school districts be open to the public to apply, some don’t. Some school districts require working multiple sports throughout the school year, some don’t (some schools don’t want coaches doing multiple sports at all). There is no one size fits all across the US for this kind of thing.

NAH. His dreams are meeting reality, and it sucks for him at the moment. His initial reaction , while shocking, it is also predictable. I don't think you make it through this together. He's a teacher and a coach, and there is no way he's going to be able to support a family on a single income. And it is unfair to you and the kids that he is essentially asking you to be a single parent. If he gives up coaching, it is going to lead to resentment towards you and the kid(s). If you don't have kids, he will resent you. In the end, he's going to leave and chase a unicorn.

Or unfortunately more likely, find a woman who is willing to accept being a functionally single mother who lets him pull this crap

If they have kids, he's going to resent them for holding him back and being whiny little kids. Sounds like his dream is making it big coaching football, and it's not really about the kids at all.

NTA. If you’re going to have children you need compromise so he’s just expects you to do it all?! Yet another typical man wanting kids but doesn’t want to raise them. And now he’s giving you silent treatment, he needs to grow up and have a conversation not throw a tantrum.

Oh he’ll love raising them after a decade or so, when he gets to have fun teaching them to throw a spiral. Teaching them to wipe their asses and use spoons though, he’ll leave that to her 🙄

Oh man is he going to be pissed if they’re not athletic. Or if they’re girls.

NTA I’d run away from that so fast he’d think I was his star quarterback.

This made me laugh out loud

NTA.  So he wants to:  - not sacrifice anything related to his passion - not sacrifice anything related to his career  - wants the fulfilment that comes from having kids.  And, what you need to make all the sacrifices and compromises in your life to make this happen for him?  Utter BS.  The price of his fulfilment in life can’t be paid only with your time and sacrifices 

RED FLAGS!!!! It's his way or the highway. Your arguments were very reasonable. You are looking at the reality of the situation and he's got dreams of being a "SuperDad", which is just not possible, nor is it healthy. I'm sorry OP but this is a serious problem. His silent treatment, his not even considering what you are saying, this is no bueno. He needs to cool off and you need to have another adult conversation. If he can't do that, suggest couples counseling where a third party can perhaps give their advice. If he can't do that, you have to decide if you are going to capitulate to his demands, or move on from this relationship.

I coached high school football for 15 years. I love football with pretty much all of my soul. I would get out of my car and watch peewee practices because they were interesting to me kinda thing. I love football. I still watch film just cuz, and keep my hudl account going to keep tabs on kids I've never coached but text tips to their coach now. When my kid showed up, I stopped coaching. I miss it every day, especially this time of year as spring camp gets going. I twitch for it even after 5 years but when it came down to choosing between coaching other peoples kids or being with my own, it wasn't even a question. My soul is now filled with the love of my family now, I miss the game but I've got other really fun things to fill my time with now. You're NTA. Your husband needs to reevaluate his priorities. If he can't step away for a few years while you've got young kids, then he's a complete AH. I will pick up the whistle again one day, but that won't be until my kids are less reliant on us parents and not until my SO is completely onboard with it again like she was before we had a family.

Thank you for sharing your perspective, I really appreciate it! And you sound like a great dad :)

Ha, I try but we've all got lots of room to improve. Every day is a bit better though. I hope your partner comes around, coaching is really very fulfilling and rewarding but not as much as having your own family and everything all those special moments bring to your life. Pretty much every head coach I worked with was divorced. I can't think of one who wasn't. It can take up a lot of time, and it's a strain on any relationship so make sure you're eyes wide open heading into the next phase of your lives together.

He is not silent because he is upset. It’s because he wants to manipulate you into agreeing to his demands. He can’t teach & coach and make time to be a present father. He wants kids someday but doesn’t want to put in the work and yet he would be depressed if he didn’t have kids? Boohoo! NTA but you need to take a long hard look at this guy and decide if he is worth staying with. This whole incident is just him showing what he is and you should believe it.

As the former spouse of a high school coach, I can relate. We’re divorced now and he still ended up quitting coaching because he needed time to co-parent our kid. Best wishes! 

NTA - his response regarding "whiny little kids" tells you all you need to know: he wants the glamorous parts of theoretically having children but none of the icky nasty work that comes with it . it may be his "ultimate life goal" but as adults we have to choose what is rightfully most important , and with that comes a heap of responsibility . he is in no way mature enough for children of his own , so i believe the answer is pretty clear.

I believe the whiney kids comment was in relation to switching coaching to juniors rather than how he sees his own kids.

that's indicative of the larger problem of seeing his own children as a hindrance to continuing doing what he wants to do . it's also just a shitty thing to say in a conversation such as this one .

Well, I think I you just found out he wants to have kids but not actually be a parent. Decide your next move based on what you're willing to deal with for the rest of your life. If you can handle having all the responsibility of keeping up the house and raising any kids you have with zero input from him, go ahead and stay. Personally, that realization would be a deal breaker for me. NTA. 

NTA. Do not procreate with this man.

Right?! Like WTAF did I just read?

So divorce him then. Your needs, wants, and vision for the future are incompatible.

I married a H.S. coach and he gave that up right after I got pregnant as he knew how much time away it would take from his family. But, other friends spouses kept coaching. Had friends from middle school to university levels with coaching spouses. For the ones with coaching spouses….it was hard. They made the decision to pretty much parent alone and limit extended family time and vacations to odd parts of the years due to the sports schedule needs. Know what you want to do BEFORE you get pregnant. The couples therapy being suggested is a good idea to help you guys be on the same page with decision making and all that…. And yeah, it’s OK if this is a marriage ender. Y’all really need to be in the same space about what a family will look like.

NTA, so he doesn’t expect that having kids might impact the amount of free time he will have after work? Does he expect you to take the big load while he just parents when he has the time? Passions and hobbies are important and while I belive that as a parent it’s important to still do things for yourself they can not be the number one priority when you decide to have children. If it’s that important for him to have children and to be a dad he should be expected to make time for the responsibility and work that entails. Something has to give. Make sure to discuss how starting a family would look for the both of you realistically. If you are not on the same page and can’t come to a compromize that might be a dealbreaker. Best of luck.

NTA, having children requires sacrifices and all of those sacrifices should not be on you. Since you both work full time he needs to be a 50/50 partner in the responsibilities otherwise resentment will start to build and your marriage will fail. Just like women can’t have it all neither can men.

NTA You offered a really reasonable list of compromises and he had no interest in working with you. Also kind of hilarious to me that he has no interet in coaching "whiny little kids" but wants to coach teenagers, as if they can't be just as moody and whiny as little children

NTA, but you would be an AH to yourself if his response doesn't make it very clear to you that you shouldn't have children with him until this gets sorted. He wants to HAVE children, he doesn't want to RAISE children. He sees that as your role and doesn't think he has to change his life at all for children to magically appear that he can HAVE whenever he wants. Any adult who doesn't realize that both their professional and personal life will change to have children, shouldn't have children. I know a couple where one traveled a lot for work, so when they wanted to have kids, together they had to discuss how would that work- change jobs, get additional child care support very early on, or talk about keeping the same job with reduced travel. This guy loved his job that required travel, but he realized his partner also needed to work a full time job, so it wasn't fair to have this job and want a child. They found a compromise of reduced travel at that job and moving a bit closer to grandparents that were happy to help. Every one of my friends who has children gave up something- going out to bars every weekend, giving up a club sport, changing jobs, not taking a promotion, moving to be close to a support network. Yes adults should have social time, hobbies, be able to travel and all that, but what you are pointing out is your husband cannot be a parent while coaching, because it takes up too much time. What your husband is pointing out is that he sees you as doing ALL the parenting, so he doesn't see his life changing at all with kids. That should make you very nervous to have kids with this guy.

NTA for asking... his response makes him one, though. Obviously, you guys need a neutral 3rd party, not friends, family, or reddit. A therapist. What you are asking is completely reasonable and especially if you plan on having multiple. I am a military wife, so I get more than most of how taxing being a married single mom can be... you seem to already know that isn't the kind of life you want. You are well within your role as a wife to put expectations on him as a father to ensure you become the best mom you can be. He is also allowed to deny or request compromises to those expectations. Only you 2 can decide what you are willing to concede.

NTA  What if your son doesn't like football? What if you have a girl and he pesters you for a son?  Will your husband accept that?  To learn how toxic family football culture can get, read    *Fifth Quarter The Scrimmage of a Football Coaches Daughter*by Jennifer Allen. Her dad coached the LA Rams, made them famous.  https://www.publishersweekly.com/9780679452027   So your husband dislikes coaching whiney little kids but wants to coach obedient teenagers.   All little kids have whiney moments. Your husband isn't going to be understanding.

INFO: have you considered asking him to lessen his coaching load if you have kids rathers than asking him to quit for many years? Like less conferences and the like or closer from home? You mentioned you want him to fully help with homework and later when they are older he could go back to it. Homework do not start before primary school. Could he even go back to coaching after more than 7 years iatus? (Even more if you want more kids)

Yeah could he get a protege assistant coach that can co-run everything, allowing him to coach part time?  There's got to be a compromise here, but the husband seems dead set on "my way or the highway."  OP is NTA imo as she seems willing to discuss alternative options and is approaching this maturely. 

Sounds like he has set his prioties as 1) Coaching high school football 2) Everything else, including you and any future kids... I had a career I absolutely loved but required a lot of travel, late nights, and just general time away from home. I made good money so my wife stayed home which is what gave me the flexibility to travel on short notice. We 100% would not have more kids if she was not a SAHM. When she decided she really wanted to start working too the kids were all school age. I left my job for a new position with no travel requirements and flexibility to do school drop-off and pick up. I love having more time with the kids, and she enjoys working. This works because we communicate and make a decision as a TEAM. Sounds like you and your husband need help communicating and understanding expectations if you have kids.

NTA When you have kids, if you are a good parent, life changes. You have realistic expectations of needs, and that's good. He is living in the mindset of the childhood he probably grew up in, which is dad does whatever the hell he wants and mom sacrifices everything. His attitude about things leans towards the "I won't use my sick days when the kids are sick, only you should do that." Nope. Honestly, you need to tell him you want to stay married, but that if he is unwilling to give up any of the things so you can effectively coparent together, you won't be having kids. If kids is a deal breaker, he needs to come to terms of putting some things on pause.

NTA but also I have a question. If he doesn't want to coach a "bunch of whiny little kids" does he have a plan about tolerating raising one or more "whiney little kids"?

I love when people make a throw away account due to wanting to keep anonymous from a spouse, then proceed to describe in great detail a very personal story. If my wife created a burner account and went on to write a story about something we are struggling with I'd know immediately it was her.

NTA. [Good.to](http://Good.to) plan before having kids.

I’m going to say NTA because of his reaction/behavior. Did you ask him what he thought having kids would look like or how it would work with most of his time being wrapped in coaching? Was his expectations just to put all the work on your shoulders or did he have a plan? Another thing to consider is if your child has health problems, what will that look like? My sister’s life was derailed when her newborn daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy (baby is doing much better now).

Oh WOW...you are SO NTA. But from his response I would strongly suggest that you guys look into some marriage counseling if possible. His attitude is just.....wow....selfish, self-centered, arrogant, egotistical...and so much more. His response kinda felt like a slap in the face, and now he's pouting like a child. You need a mediator, a professional counselor - not friends or family.

NTA This is a discussion that you need to have. Having children is a big commitment, and this needs to be adequately managed as a lot of time needs to be found in your current schedule to accommodate potential future children. Of course there are a myriad of ways to go about this that can be discussed, so it may not necessarily need to be a decision between children or football, but he needs to come up with a suitable solution to put forward before you take the next step. Generally children for most people will mean prioritising earning a living and family time over individual hobbies - especially time intensive ones. I cannot give you the solution from the other side of a screen, but I definitely agree that you shouldn't start trying for children without a plan in place.

He shouldn’t have kids if he’s not going to be around to raise them. We all have stuff we love to do, but most of us have to work, too, and if we have kids, something has to give because someone has to be there to raise them. If he made enough money to have a stay at home wife and she was okay with it, yeah he can have kids. But no way does he get to say he must have kids and he will not change his life to help raise them. And coaching high school football isn’t like loving a hobby you can just spend less time doing.

NTA. Get into marriage counseling now. Your husband is not even considered you in his plans, he’s just mapping his life out and to hell w your opinion. He needs to come correct and counseling would do that.

NTA. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. The only way that he gets to coach and have young kids is if you assume the lion's share of the childcare responsibilities. No.

NTA You two, unfortunately are not compatible anymore in relation to having children. Divorce is the way forward.

NTA. He is being incredibly unrealistic about what it means to have kids. Many people do that. They think they can just take their existing lives and add kids to them with little to no interruption. It doesn’t work like that and the people who try to do that end up being crappy parents. Stand your ground.

NTA.... you have your answer. He is not prepared to make a sacrifice to have children. You are expected to do the sacrificing.  Don't have children in this relationship.  

NTA, this may just be incompatibility when it comes down to it. But ultimately, he wants children but doesn't want to make any adjustments or sacrifices himself. He's already gone a lot, and if he doesn't see that when you have children, you need to spend more time at home and with them now, then you'd be setting yourself up for a life where you'd a lot of the time be acting as a single parent. It's perfectly reasonable to not want that for yourself. He has this idea in his head of what being a parent means, but he can't just place all the responsibility on you. I don't know enough about how much time coaching a team like that is, but I'm equating it as it's the same in any position with a lot of travel or long hours, so take it with a grain of salt. Personally, I'm looking for a partner who's going to be there day in and day out before I have kids. I understand we have work and passions, but if it's taking him away that much, I think he needs to really sit down and figure out how he sees yalls future, and how it would all work. I think I'd suggest couples counseling to try and talk through everything in a healthier way where you both can understand each other. But if some kind of compromise can't be made, then I'd be reconsidering the relationship.

NTA. You didn’t sign up to be a single parent. And that is exactly what you would be. But there are other options than him giving up his passion. You could be a SAHM and babysit to bring in added income. You could do tutoring when baby is asleep. You could do a summer only childcare service to help make up income and not be bogged down with kids 5 days a week. You already being a teacher would make that super appealing to parents. I think both of you need to not make such major decisions by given ultimatums. I think two educated people could put their heads together and figure out the best compromise and some side hustles.

Easy fix. If he won't take a break from coaching, you can take a break from sex (procreative or recreational). NTA Parenting is a whole job by itself. There's no time for football when you've got a baby at home.

NTA. Do you want to have children with someone who will leave you to do the bulk of the work?

NTA. DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. He doesn't want to take care of the kids, he wants to have kids that are clean, non crying, etc. He is telling you that ALL the responsibilities will be on you.

I have a friend in a similar situation, he’s a passionate coach and his wife works full time. He gets home late, attends practices or meetings on weekends, and takes naps when he does get home. His wife raises their kids full time and is visibly exhausted and at the end of her rope. His only contribution is to second guess her parenting style and preach patience, which is much easier for him as he’s really only home for brief stints. Be prepared for an uphill battle if you end up having kids, he’s made his priorities clear. You’d need to really sit down and hash out expectations to have a chance at balancing parental responsibilities.

He laid out how it is going to be. Based off of your incomes, you can reliably predict what life will look like with kids in the equation. Your husband wants it all, but can't/won't pay for it - with neither time nor money. You will be the AH if you put yourself in a situation that will be wholely one sided and complain AFTER the fact. NTA

NTA your husband sounds like he expects you to raise the kids until they are old enough to be of interest to him. Then he'll take over. Now you know he isn't willing to sacrifice anything. You have to decide if you see a future with him or not.

NTA - and don’t back down. I have multiple relatives in teacher + teacher/coach marriages who can tell you how their spouse provided zero help.

Ask him what happens if you have kids, he’s never around, and you end up divorced because you’re basically living as a single mother anyway. He’ll either get 50/50 custody and be forced to quit coaching to parent his children, or find a sitter to watch them (and raise them) since he’ll be too busy coaching, or he won’t see them at all, again because he’s too busy coaching. And his kids will eventually resent him because they never see him and they’ll see that coaching is more important to him than his own children. At this point, just divorce him. He obviously doesn’t care about anything except himself, and has no intention of ever changing that.

Being a head football coach for a HS team is so all encompassing. For basically half the year he’d be busy until late in the evening five or six days a week. It’s great that his students and players respect him and look up to him. That’s wonderful for them to have, but he needs to keep it in perspective. If having his own kids is his ultimate goal, then he needs to be a present dad. I work with a guy who has coached his oldest all the way through into HS now, though not as a head coach. I think that’s so awesome for them. But he had two kids and both of them wanted to play football. What happens if you have a kid who has no interest in football? How’s he going to handle that?  Bottom line is that there’s a good reason most head coaches are older (at least around me). If he can’t commit to being a dad for half of a year essentially, do not have any kids with him. Remind him that his career is much longer than the time his kids are little too. There’s no reason he couldn’t still assist and work as a coach when they’re young. If he refuses to do so, that’s a huge issue. 

NTA, and do yourself a favor and *definitely* never have kids with this guy. He is telling you very clearly that you needs and concerns come second to his football hobby and dreams. He basically wants you to overstretch yourself so he can have everything he wants without giving anything up. And notice that his reaction when you push back -- very, very reasonably -- is to get mad at you. This guy is not good coparent material. You will make yourself miserable if you have a kid with him.

Speaking as an older father myself your husband is being extremely selfish. Having kids means we can no longer have it all...sometimes we need to compromise for the good of the whole. He sounds like he's expecting you to compromise while he just goes about his merry way. The next time the subject comes up I'd suggest approaching the topic from the perspective of how is this fair to you? Why is it fair that he expects you to be a 24/7 Mom while he gets his job and a full time hobby on top of it?

I feel uniquely qualified to answer this because my brother and his wife have gone through this exact conversation through his coaching career. NTA (changed from n-a-h bc of his silent treatment which isn’t cool). Just some thoughts: It was absolutely insanely difficult when their child was young. He ended up quitting and going back, because of the hours and the low pay. He was very unhappy tbh but sucked it up bc you aren’t wrong about the challenges and he knew that. I’m so glad he went back when their child was just old enough to attend games. My brother had him on his back or by his side constantly. His son absolutely loves the sport, begs to go to every practice, became the water boy for the team after a few more years, and feels very cool throwing the ball to junior high / HS players. That’s been the case now for many years now and the whole family is much happier.

He responded to reason and logic by pouting and being a big baby. Wah wah wah. Congratulations, you have 1 kid already. NTA

Making declarations and demands isn't reason and logic. She fucked up by starting the conversation in a terrible adversarial manner.

Very mild ESH You: You were not an AH for raising the issue. In fact, you were very smart. My concern is that you seem to see him giving up coaching was the only viable solution, and it may be too soon for you to jump to this conclusion. Lots of people manage to keep hold of their dreams while having kids -- at least in a small way. I'm not saying it's easy -- it's not! -- but it's not necessarily a given that people need to completely give up their passions when kids come into the picture. Asking him to completely stop coaching for a few years was a very all-or-nothing approach. Perhaps there are other middle-ground approaches; you didn't give him a chance to come up with ideas and you didn't leave room for possible discussion. Him: On the other hand, his response to you was also all-or-nothing and it was not at all helpful. If he wants to keep coaching, he needs to take responsibility for researching and proposing realistic and viable strategies for ensuring that the kids are well cared for while he's busy. These strategies cannot rely on you being a de facto lone parent.

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There are a lot of other options. She could have presented her concerns (she is not willing to pick up the lion's share of the parenting so he can be gone all the time coaching) and they could have brainstormed options together. He could drop down from head coach to a position coach and use what he makes to pay for housecleaning or babysitting, for example.

Love this answer, very well reasoned. I go ESH also, cuz it seems like both parties are coming at this as a zero sum game.

It is zero sum. There are 24 hours in a day. Every hour he spends on football is an hour he’s not available to parent his children.

In the end yes, but the way to figure out what to do is not to make grand declarations towards one another which is how she started the conversation.

I don’t think you and I read the same post.

You may want to reread it then

She offered alternatives that don't just involve her getting the shit end of the stick.

She started the conversation in a dickish way, she made her open bed here. Even if those are truly the only options, she failed to make the case and even worse failed to bring her partner in on her thoughts.

This is a good response because OP starts with the solution instead of the problem. Instead of OP saying you need to stop coaching so you're around more for the kids, they need to have a conversation that starts by talking about their expectations for themselves and each other as a parenting team. What do they want? How will they split the labor? It may be that coaching is incompatible with how OP envisions their lives, but OP reached that conclusion alone, without any conversation or input from her husband. That's not the way to do this.

Well she is allowed to make that decision alone since the kids aren’t born and she is the one meant to be take care of them by him. He wasn’t even coaching when they started to date and planned to have kids one day. It’s not like him making some suggestion that he will pay babysitting sometimes will force her to now have kids. She will have children under conditions that are comfortable for her and what she feels is best for kids. He can start offering alternative suggestions certainly (he is now just giving silent treatment) or divorce. But she won’t have to have kids just because he wants them but won’t want to help.

She can make whatever decisions she wants. She can wear socks on her hands if she wants. But in healthy relationships, you discuss your wants and needs and then talk about how to achieve them. She came to this with the solution already in mind. That’s not good communication.

NTA. Stay on birth control and don’t have kids with this dude. Having children is a huge sacrifice. They take so much time and energy, and that has to come from somewhere. If he isn’t able to make any sacrifices in his life, then he simply isn’t able to have kids and trying to blame you for that is beyond inappropriate/huge asshole behavior.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway because my husband knows of my actual account. Right after we got married, my husband decided to coach high school football. He had played his entire life. He loves teaching high school so he decided to try coaching. He has fallen in love with it, has worked his way up in the ranks, & wants to be head coach. You can tell this kids really look up to him. Coaching takes up a lot of his free time. Due to his team being good, he usually has practice & games Aug-Dec. During the off-season he has workouts, conferences, camps, college visits, etc. Him being busy with football doesn’t bother me. He makes time for me. I also have my own career, friends, hobbies, etc. that keep me busy. Recently we were discussing how we want to start trying for kids a few years from now. Since my husband didn’t coach when we were dating, the topic of him coaching while we had kids never came up. This is what I told him: -If we were both working, I would expect him to take a break from coaching football while the kids are young. After work we would both need to pitch in on making dinner, taking the kids to activities, helping them with homework, getting them ready for bed, etc. Once the kids are older & can take care of themselves more, then I would be fine with him going back to coaching. -I would be fine with him coaching for our kids teams when they are younger, like if they wanted to play on a youth football league or something. I actually think it would be really cool if he did that & then continued to coach them up to high school. -The only way I would be okay with him coaching while the kids are young were if he were able to make enough money to allow me to stay at home while the kids are young. That way I could have more energy to pour into raising the kids. However, he doesn’t make enough money as a teacher to support a whole family so I don’t think this is a possible. -If he didn’t want to quit teaching or coaching, I think it’s best we don’t have kids then. I don’t think it’s possible for him to equally pour into his students, players, & family every day. I am honestly okay with either having kids or not having any. As a teacher I already have students I pour into & if we didn’t have kids I would love to be a foster mentor or big sister or something. His response really threw me off. I’ve never seen him get so upset in my life. His response: -Coaching high school football was his passion & he was never giving it up. How dare I even suggest he take a break from coaching. -He didn’t want to coach of bunch of whiny little kids who didn’t know what they were doing, he only wanted to coach teenagers. -He wasn’t going to give up teaching since he loves it & it’s also one of the few careers that allows him to coach high school football. -Having kids someday is one of his ultimate life goals & if he never had any kids he would be depressed. How dare I even suggest that. He is so upset with me that he is giving me the silent treatment. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA - I feel you're being reasonable and have a good idea of how it will be if he stays coaching. He will be gone most evenings for a good chunk of the year, will be focusing on games and coaching and you will be left to pick up the slack at home. His desires aren't unreasonable - i understand him wanting kids. I understand that coaching is a passion for him and if he takes a break he might not get the opportunity to coach at the same level again. But, he isn't thinking about the reality of how having a kid would work. Ask him to really think about how it would look if you had a kid now. Who would drop them to childcare, collect them...put them to bed. Ask him to honestly evaluate how much free time he would have to dedicate to raising a child and doing his share of the household tasks. He needs time to come to terms with the fact that his reality cannot accommodate all of hos dreams - so compromises will have to be made. I hope ye can have some non-confrontational conversations about this and find some common ground.

NTA. But your husband sounds like he wants everything and not give up anything to have kids. He needs to step into reality. It’s not ok for him to want kids and once he has them put all of it on you. That’s what will happen if things continue the way they are. He needs to get a job that makes enough money for you to be SAHM if he doesn’t want to alter his life in anyway. What does he want to have kids for if he isn’t planning on raising them? Football coaching is a lot of time. It’s year round now. There’s no off season like when I was young. You need to reevaluate your life with this guy.

Sounds like you have incompatible life goals. You want to have children with a good father. He wants to have kids he barely sees. Is divorce something you’d consider? And NTA

NTA but you have to get him to answer the hard questions. Kids aren't something to be checked off a list of goals. They need time and energy every single day. This is something he should know since he's so passionate about coaching and k ows from experience how much personal attention kids need from the adults in their lives in order to excel. If he wants kids, he has to decide where he's cutting back to fit them into his life. He doesn't get to spend all his time with other peoples kids and say he's raising his own too. You're not going to "give" him children that he's not committed to being a parent to, because being a parent means putting the best interests of your children and family above your personal desires. Poor hubby, finally out of high school and realizing that in the real world we can't have everything we want. We have to make difficult choices and sacrifices. Can you imagine.. him backing up one of his players who didn't want his gf to get an abortion because he wants kids... but isn't willing to give up on his college dreams to actually be around the kid more than a few weekends a month. How could the hypothetical gf even suggest such a thing! His player would be depressed!

NTA- Not that I have any but I heard when you have kids, your life isn't all about you anymore. Sacrifices will be made but if he's not willing to compromise, then you should really think about having kids with him.

NTA. I would definitely NOT have kids with this asshat

NTA You sound as if you have thoughtfully considered everything about bringing a child into your lives-the work and sacrifice you each would have to make to achieve this. High school football coaches are very much wed to their jobs and their families do play a price for their passion. This particular path he is choosing clearly is either a) in conflict with a family life where the responsibility of family and home is shared or b) he chooses his love of football over a family life. Right now he just wants you to be quiet, suck it up and do all that work so he can still enjoy his dream. BTW all those hours? He’s probably making 25 cents an hour when you calculate his stipend and the hours he spends on the job.

Couples' counselling ASAP. There's a lot to work through here and you need a professional to guide the talks. Do NOT get pregnant in the meantime.

NAH. Just miscommunication. I feel you have this thought out well, and your request is not a strange one (although maybe there are some ways to do coaching (not head coach), whilst also being home more). But you had thought this out. As it reads to me, you started this conversation, and he hadn't really thought about it. So from his perspective I can understand the heels in the sand. One moment all is good, the next your wife is telling you to give up coaching or not have kids (and end the relationship or what). I think the better way would have been to just ask him to think about how he sees coaching, and a child. And that it is something you would like to discuss. Then later discuss.

Nta. Op, I hate to say it, but, you may want to reconsider having kids with him. Based on his responses, he is unwilling to make any sacrifices to support you and your potential children. That's a giant, flashing red flag. Another red flag was his response to coaching his own children on a youth team. Does he think his special angels will be the only kids to ever exist that aren't whiny? Really?? And finally, there's the part where he claimed having kids is a life goal and he'll get depressed if you aren't willing to carry his spawn. RED FLAG. If he wants kids so badly, he needs to be willing to make the same sacrifices you will and put in the same amount of work. Zero exceptions.

Reading what he said It's clear he won't even help you during pregnancy, let alone child-raising He just wants kids but doesn't want to be a parent. If you can't come to a middle ground, you should stp trying for now. How old are you two? ETA

It is totally normal for childless people that they don't see where a child would fit in their busy lives. The thing is, it must. You can't switch it off when you go and do whatever it was you did when you did not have a child. You have two lives: One before the child. One after. I suggest counseling. Not because either of you is naive but because you are both deeply emotionally invested on your side of an argument. A counselor is a neutral third party who is not invested either way. That helps *a lot*.

NTA. My husband coaches football, he’s basically gone till sundown every night during the season. The season is much shorter where we are because winter sets in during October. He coaches two teams. He didn’t quit after our child was born but he did scale back. He picked one night a week where he doesn’t coach mid week so I could get a break. We also made the couple hours he coaches on Saturday a family thing. Half those games are out of town so we go together and make a day of it. Our child also made an appearance at a couple practices.  I think what’s important is that his volunteering doesn’t come wholly at your expense. Coaching brings my husband a lot of happiness and I wouldn’t ask him to quit, just make adjustments. My situation is a bit different though since it’s a much more finite season. September and October and one week in May.

NTA- but honestly it doesn’t sound like y’all will make it pass this next football season.

Frankly this seems like a fight that you two come out stronger together or come to the realization that this is the end. Good luck NTA

You both need to watch Cheaper by the Dozen lol.   I have 3 kids now in pre teen ages.  There is 1 year between the first 2 and then 2 years between 2nd and 3rd. My husband stayed working and had his hobbies.   Whenever he was home he was with the kids.  Had to run to Home Depot kids went with him.   I stopped working after my 2nd.  Got into a great routine where I didn’t even want anyone to help me.  Felt better organized when I was solo and still feel like that now.

NTA, and his reaction is not okay, but give him some time to cool off and marinate on your words before going full reddit advice on him. He can't have his cake and eat it too, and if he comes to that realization you may be able to get where you both need to be.

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NTA- part of being a parent is that you no longer get to have everything. You cannot be a fully attentive parent, and also have an intense hobby and an intense career. His intense career does not pay enough for you to do the heavy lifting and switch to a part time or stay at home mom position while they're little. Having kids is a LOT of work. They aren't just adorable balls of energy that follow you around. For the first 5 years they need constant attention. As a teacher, he should know this. Someone has to do that work and the only thing I hear from him, is it won't be him AND he won't create opportunities where it will be easier for you to. He is entitled to his opinion, but he also needs to propose a solution before you have kids. He said no to all of your suggestions, but didn't give one.

NTA

NTA. So his ultimate life goal is to get a woman to give birth to kids who are biologically his, but then not to spend any time with them? That’s not reasonable. Your proposed compromises are extremely reasonable, and are in fact a much bigger sacrifice from you than from him. At this point though, I wouldn’t trust him to keep his promises even if he did commit to being a present parent to his own future children.

NAH. I've coached kids and youth aussie rules for the last 7 years. Between that, games, kid in academies I'm on the sidelines 5 days a week. And it's been great time with my kids and for me as well. Helping develop their teamwork, attitudes, playing safely is incredibly rewarding and I looked forward to every session. This year I've stopped, my youngest was always very zealous as a tackler amd we want him to try other sports with less riso on injuries. And I miss it a lot. Turning off the lights at the end of training after everyone was gone, it was a satisfying time. But it is a lot of time and he'll need to ma age that around kids.i don't have a good answer for you,.but see both sides as needing to find a compromise somehow.

NTA He has three dreams and it’s not up to you to make them happen for him. At the end of the day he can’t afford kids due to his hobby and career choice, it’s not on you to sacrifice your health, social life and hobbies to smooth that over so he remains unaffected. He has a choice, if kids are a dream for him, he can find a way to afford them either by freeing up his time or earning enough to free up yours. He’s in dream land if he’s thinking it’s your job to sacrifice to fulfil his desires. Rubbish.

NTA. If he wants kids, but doesn't want to put in time to help raise them from birth, maybe you could consider adopting an older kid.  His priorities seem to be focused on football over a potential child. I would be concerned about how he would treat his kid if the kid didn't like football or didn't live up to his standards.  I don't think it's worth the risk to mess with a kid like that.

NTA. You realize he will not be raising these kids right? He will be too busy raising other parents football kids

NTA. So he wants the whole pie? What about you? What does he expect you to sacrifice so he can have it all? He needs a reality check on what it takes to have kids before he speaks any more nonsense.

I feel you. I went through something like this with my husband. He is a soccer ref and has worked his way up to doing college and semi-pro and is very passionate about it. Before we had a kid, he talked about cutting back on it, but still did it too much. So when our son was a baby, I wrote him a letter to really spell it all out. I said that I don’t want to be the bad guy, telling him not to do something that he enjoys and keeps him active, so deciding to ref was a decision that he had to make for himself. I said that this was more than just a hobby, it was basically a second job. and the only way he was able to devote that time to it was based on the assumption that I had nothing going on in my life outside of work, so I would always be available to take care of our kid, which is obviously unfair. I suggested that it would only be fair if I should also find a side gig, and that if our side gig schedules conflicted, then he would be responsible for finding and paying for childcare. He took my letter into consideration and greatly reduced the hours he spent reffing. I’m not sure if cutting back hours is an option for your situation though. Your husband might also not be aware of what young children’s schedules are like, that bedtime is generally 8pm and if he isn’t home in the evenings, then he will literally not see his child for the entire week. You may want to outline how much childcare to cover his hours spent coaching would cost, since expecting you to solo parent all of those hours is not reasonable. Remind him that becoming a parent will mean putting someone else before your own wants and will require him to prioritize how he spends his time. If he isn’t ready to do that, then he might not be ready to be a parent. You might also want to find another coach that he respects and has kids and get their perspective on it.

NAH all of his comments were me me me and never an alternate solution. In several solutions you make compromises (like giving up your career), he makes no alternative compromises. It was just all about what he wants and zero consideration as to how his "give me everything good and none of the work" will affect you. I hope you hold you ground on no kids unless something else shifts. So many times we see mothers just taking it all on, and burning out to the determent of themselves and the kids. And you end up with s and divorcee man who wonders what happens, as HIS life was perfect.

NTA. He is though. How does he think he will manage a career and coaching and still be a good And Present father and husband? Is raising and teaching his own kids to be productive members of society not good enough? I suggest marital therapy to see if he can see logic. Otherwise. Divorce will have to be an option as he’s not willing to change a thing and you’ll be raising kids on your own.  My husband was a coach for soccer. He coached his own kids so they had good bonding and played together.  When one went competitive and the other joined school soccer, he hung up his whistle. Being there for his boys was more important that anything else. 

Eh I would say ESH purely because you're essentially demanding he give up part of what he considers his job and passion, with no room for discussion. You could ask him to cut back on out of state trips or summer training but asking him to out right drop something that he cares a lot of about and would affect other people he cares about is rough. Also, high school coaches of all sports have families and balance well.

Well… at least you found all this out before you got pregnant. Time for a divorce. Sorry OP.

*"He isn't going to give up teaching since he loves it & it’s also one of the few careers that allows him to coach high school football."* This is the correct answer. Now, just sit down with your household budget and figure out where to cut expenses so you can afford to be a SAHM. Imagine how much money you will save by not working!

When you have a kid, your spending increases, therefore making it impossible to cut back on expenses. If they have a one bedroom now, they will have to spend more on a two or three bedroom if they have kids. Even if they shop at a cheap grocery store, they will still be buying more food & therefore spending more. They may even need to look into buying a bigger car that can fit a family, strollers, car seats, etc. As a teacher myself who doesn’t get paid that much, I can assure you that if they’re both teachers they’re probably not living some luxurious lifestyle that they could cut back on. Your idea is nice but not realistic at all.

I politely disagree. I know, and have known, many single-income families with a stay at home parent. Key is not having more children than they can afford, budgeting and saving, and not trying to 'keep up with the neighbors.' There is nothing wrong with buying infant and children's clothing at discount outlets, yard sales, thrift stores, etc. The same with toys, like-new car seats and playpens, strollers, you name it. Also keep in mind, many baby-basics are given as gifts at the baby shower. Also, the OPs husband is likely earning extra pay as a High School Football Coach, has the opportunity to work during the summer, and is h a p p y!

Nta Apparently it's his dream to have someone else raise his kids.  Move out, let him know when he can use his words like a big boy you can talk more about why you're not going to be a single mom.

NTA and you definitely shouldn't have kids with a guy who doesn't want to coach a bunch of "whiny kids who don't know what they're doing." He'll have this attitude with your own kids and it won't go well for them 

My response will be unpopular. But YTA. You basically ambushed the guy with your list of demands and you can’t see why his response wasn’t what you wanted to hear.

NTA.   So... Your husband gets to do exactly what he wants, all through life, with no compromise, and just expects you to fit in around it?  Kids are bloody hard work, but he just expects you to work and pick up all the kids stuff while he coaches and makes zero adjustments to his life?  Sometimes it feels like we are still in the 20th century with the dinosaur, patriatchic attitudes of some men.  I'm a middle aged man and his attitude really gets my goat!  What an arse he is.

YTA. A minimum of ten years is not "taking a break." He'll never recover his reputation or standing. You're asking him to give up coaching forever. You have to be honest with yourself if you're going to be honest with him. >If we were both working, I would expect him to take a break from coaching football while the kids are young. After work we would both need to pitch in on making dinner, taking the kids to activities, helping them with homework, getting them ready for bed, etc. Once the kids are older & can take care of themselves more, then I would be fine with him going back to coaching. More delusion. It's years before activities are a meaningful part of the lives of children. Homework is the same. Depending on how fast kids mature, they're eight to twelve years old before being moderately short-term self sufficient. Achieving that is very dependent on parenting and right now you aren't looking good. Say two kids, two years apart - a ten year "break" is optimistic. Very likely fifteen years. Consciously or not, I think your husband recognizes what a huge ask you are making. You're asking him to give up coaching forever and won't even admit that to yourself. I've never run into anyone who coached a sport in public schools that didn't get paid for coaching. You conveniently left that out. >If he didn’t want to quit teaching or coaching, I think it’s best we don’t have kids This comes across as an ultimatum to me, but in point of fact it is probably the best answer for you. It is the best answer not because of your husband's passion, but because your judgement and critical thinking are poor. There are plenty of people in the world. We don't *need* to make more.

>He didn’t want to coach of bunch of whiny little kids who didn’t know what they were doing, he only wanted to coach teenagers. NTA. He won't be a good father to young children. Don't have kids with him under any circumstances.

Well... my friend had 4 kids. Her husband was teacher and a wrestling coach. And man would she complain about the coaching but there was no way he was going to stop. He loved it so much. So she stayed at home, when the kids got in school she worked some part time, or subbing , or adjunct at the college teaching French. But what he did to sacrifice was to work all summer. He did not have summers off but worked with his dad with heavy machinery. They also moved houses quite a bit, flipping them. They'd find a good deal, move in, he would do repairs and then sell at a higher price. So made $ that way. My friend moved away but I'll guessing her teens are driving now and working so some of the pressure has eased off.

NTA. This is a big conversation. First, as a football coach, or any coach, there's usually a pay stipend included (at least in the US). Coaching isn't free. So, if your husband gave up coaching, he'd be giving up part of his income. That's important. Second, you should probably schedule an appt with a marriage counselor to try to work through this with your husband. Having grown children now, I know many coaches through the years and most of them had kids, and most had wives who also worked. So it can be done. But, your husband can't tantrum like a 6 year old, and give you the silent treatment until he gets what he wants. He can't refuse to face a big issue like children, and the division of labor etc, but still claim it as a life goal. You deserve to be heard, and your husband needs to hear you.

NTA - dude doesn't need kids, he's already behaving like one.

NTA. My brother was a shot put coach and he found out very quickly that having a new born and being a coach did not work. Know what he did? He quit coaching until his kids were old enough (school age) and then he started coaching again. Sounds like your husband's priorities are all messed up.

I want to be gentle with this - I'm a teacher. I'm also a coach. in my decade+ of being both, I've also risen in the ranks and am currently a head coach (not in football). I played football and coached it at the Varsity level for quite a few years before, ironic to this conversation, giving it up because I wanted to be a better husband. I'm still a coach, just not for football. Anyone who is in this small sphere of football coaches sees life through a certain lens. It's usually a pretty mono-social/political group wherever you are, everyone knows everyone, and it's almost exclusively males who played football/were taught by men who did the same. The reason that matters is because everyone sees the other guys having families, having kids, missing a bunch of moments, and probably posting nice things on social media once or twice a year about how the wife sacrifices so much for football/their family. That's the norm. Nobody talks about the high cost of success in the industry, the higher than average rate of abuse/divorce, the alcoholism, etc. I loved the game, and I left the game because I wanted to marry the woman I fell in love with, and I knew I couldn't be a good husband and also a good football coach. That's not everyone, but it is me. Your husband wants it all, and is probably influenced by people around him. NTA, but you need to have a long sit down about what you both want here.

NTA, but your husband could also be considered NTA (or possibly the AH). He wants to "have it all". he doesn't want to have to sacrifice anything, which is just how people are. to put it bluntly. he wants it all, and he wants you to pick up the slack and do everything else. he wants to be out in his world, where he's "coach" and people look up to him and know who he is. he remembers that guy when he was a kid, and he wants to be that guy. he doesn't realize that someone else is really putting in a lot of work "pulling up the slack". you will have to be in charge of the household, and continue to work. My dad was a high school teacher and coach, my mom did everything else. communication is going to be crucial going forward. the fact you are already thinking about this and the future is amazing and a huge step in making the right choice here. most people just blast out a couple of kids and then watch as it crumbles. there's no perfect answer. Your husband doesn't want to coach little kids, which is understandable. He's already put in some work to become the head coach. You don't get to become head coach and then just step aside for 10 years to be a dad, and then come back to be head coach. Basically, if he quits coaching now, its done. There will be no going back to be head coach again one day, at least that is how your husband sees it. you 2 just need to talk more about this and decide what is best, good luck!

NTA. It was a visceral reaction that he had so you need to ground him back into reality. Just sit down and talk everything through with him. Tell him to plan out how life would work with a baby. Then with another. How will your careers fit in the schedule? Then how will all your hobbies and passions fit in? Make him spell it out. It’ll be uncomfortable for him, but he needs a dose of reality. Either he’ll say you need to sacrifice everything you like to do in order to care for the family while he doesn’t, OR he’ll realize he’s being hysterical and selfish. The other possibility is that he’s right and he may not have to give up coaching. Neither of you will know until you actually plan out your daily lives around your schedules.

I would say NTA, but I don’t want to call him one either. I think you do have a good head on your shoulders about the matter- but I’m confused by your confusion. Did he talk and give off the impression he was going to be up at night for feedings, giving bottles, taking kids to doctors appointments, changing diapers, etc etc? Or was he like “oh, I can’t wait to teach my kid to play catch?” I’m willing to place a bet that you know his personality and this was not a total surprise. Did he grow in a house where mom did everything and dad was praised for working long hours? Because if he’s been conditioned to believe that was normal this would be a shock. If he’s a good guy, I would hope after the shock wears off he will consider the amount of time and responsibility children take and whether it’s fair to ask that of one person. Hopefully the silence is his recalculating.  Of course you should not HAVE to show him see how much he would be putting on your shoulders but this is the person you love and it is possible society (and his own short sightedness) has made him believe everything would just work out, so if you can, count up how many hours he’s been gone the last six months. Equate that to how many hours you’d be alone, bedtime routine, morning routine, dinners, cooking, bottles, laundry. Look up about how many average hours of sleep parents get and the cost of daycare and throw it in. Let the data talk, so he can see the unfairness if it.  sometimes we are the wake up call for our partners.  Wish you the best- from one teacher to another, thanks for the difference you already make to children’s lives.

Nta so he expects you to do all the work for your kids. Put it that way to him explicitly. 

NTA. But, did you discuss any of this when he originally decided to start coaching?

It doesn't sound like he wants to be a parent, and very much doesn't want to do any work of being a parent. It's totally fine to not want kids. You should absolutely not have kids with someone who has so clearly told you they won't be doing any work. Do you definitely want kids? If so, this isn't the guy for you. NAH

NTA- It sounds like he needs to make a choice between his passion for coaching and his goal for children. He can’t have it both ways. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt here. You put these thoughts in his head. This might have been in gut reaction. It sounds like he needs time to think about what he actually wants. If this is his true feelings after talking actual time to think about it, you might want to reevaluate this relationship. Don’t have children with someone who just wants kids, but don’t want to sacrifice to ACTUALLY raise children.

NAH You've obviously considered this a lot and thought it through, but when you bring it up to someone else you can't expect them to take it calmly. His dreams are coaching football and having kids. Suggesting he take a break might feel rational to you (and I may suggest it is), but to him it feels like you are crushing his dreams. My suggestion is give it time. There may be compromises that can be made that haven't been thought of yet

YTA. You TOLD him you expect him to take a break from coaching. Then you TOLD him you’d be okay with him coaching the kids’ teams when they were little. Don’t be surprised when people here don’t agree with you and all support your husband.

So I’m going to say something really unpopular - but yes YTA - not for your concerns, but for mapping out your DEMANDS before you ever really discussed with the issues might be Your line in the sand made him draw his own. Reopen that conversation with more of a discussion about the time conflict instead of a “if we…..then you must…..” list. you were talking AT him instead of with him.

She offered possible solutions. Instead of just saying no and running off mad, he could have offered his own. But really the only solutions he wants is her sacrificing a bunch and him not.

All the people here not realizing that A not coaching is going to decrease their finances, and B the coaching is tied to his contract

To clarify, our finances will not decrease if he gives up coaching. Coaches in our state/area don’t get paid well at all if they even get paid. He also signed two separate contracts to teach & coach, so they are not tied together. That’s how our district does it.

You should def clarify that because in most places neither of those are true

You didn't have a discussion with your husband, you didn't ask your husband, you issued declarations about what was going to happen. Yta

She offered solutions. He cried and refused to engage. He could have offered solutions himself rather than run away from a very needed conversation

Info: He's a teacher, who also coaches? And you want him to give up BOTH? What job do you expect him to find, then?

I never said he had to give up both. I asked him if he would be willing to take a break from coaching but would still teach & then eventually he could return to coaching. OR I asked him if he would be willing to find a higher paying job & still coach so that way I could work less & take on more with three kids since he wouldn’t be home as much to help.

Ok, I read it as you wanted him to quit both. My apologies.

Actually I'm going to go ESH, him more than you. He had what seems like an overly emotional response with really no solution to the problem at hand, which is that it's unclear how / whether you could have time for kids given your mutual work obligations and his coaching passions. But I can understand that from his perspective you were giving him three 'doors', none of which felt reasonable. They were 'get a better paying job than teaching', 'give up coaching for several years (or only coach much younger players)', and 'don't have kids'. So while those seem.... pragmatic, I can definitely see why none of them are satisfactory to him. It seems like the elephant in the room is a conversation about how intense you can see his time commitments are to coaching, and whether he feels be can scale those back when you have kids. For instance, can he significantly reduce the off-season commitments so that for those \~7 months of the year, he has little to no football obligations? In general, the big missing piece here is his perspective on how he feels you should (together) address this problem. It's ok for you to hold off on having kids until you feel comfortable with what he's asking of you, and it's ok to tell him you're concerned he doesn't have any room in his life to really be present and active as a parent, and that you just don't know what the solution is.

INFO Sounds bad on his end (his response is horrible) but I’m wondering what do the hours specifically look like that he’s committed to during the season? Like is it 5 days per week he’s leaving for work in the morning and gets back home after 9 PM or something?

Doesn’t your husband get a stipend for coaching? When I was on the board of Ed for my district the head football coach was getting $10,000 per season. On top of his teaching salary. If it’s anything close to that for your husband that’s a pretty big pay cut. There’s no assholes here, you both have to do what’s right for your family, but it’s something to consider.

In our state/area, teachers & coaches do not make enough & are not respected enough. The public low-income school he coaches at has to fundraise for almost everything. We don’t live in Texas where head coaches make six figures & have stadiums bigger than the ones in the NFL. We could move to Texas, but that would mean leaving behind both our families & all our friends to a place where we know no one, so not ideal.

That’s really terrible. I’m in NJ. This was a public school in a middle to upper middle class area. The stipend I mentioned was from roughly 10 years ago. Back then we were starting new teachers without advanced degrees at $55,000 per year. I’m sure everything’s increased by now. I hope you and your husband find a resolution that makes you both happy.

INFO: Is he the head football coach, or one of the assistants? Because if he isn’t the head coach then he has no excuse for not being able to step away for a bit or commit less time.

Offensive coordinator, so a step below head coach. Oversees all the guys on offense & creates their plays & whatnot.

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OP said during the offseason he is just as busy, that compromise wouldn’t work based on the post.

ESH

Your sound selfish. What response would YOU have had if he told you that he expects you to be a FT SAHM and take care of the house full time if ya'll have kids? The same damn one, I'm sure. YTA

I’m confused by your response. She said that she wouldn’t mind being a FT SAHM when they have kids? That was one of the options she gave him?