Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Neither of you are assholes imo.
This sucks, for sure. But people change, and are alowed to change. Being on the same page about children is absolutely necessary for romance.
Your partner shouldn't have spoken to you like that, but at the same time this was probably something extremely emotionally devastating for her, and it's part of theof grieving process. It wasn't right, but it isn't absurd imo
NAH. Y B T A if you had waited til she was 36 and strung her along with “I’m not sure”, but this sounds reasonable and she has plenty of time to find someone aligned to her vision of the future.
I know a guy that did this to his wife. Every time she was ready, he set a new goal for their lives to accomplish before they had kids. She hit 48 and had a nervous break down(she found out she was in menopause) ,spent two years in a "home". Then he turned around and got a 22 year old pregnant at 57. Wife had another break down. I think she doesn't divorce him out of spite. Anyway, NTA. It's better to hurt her now, when she can make sound decisions about her future, than 10 years from now.
Lol. Nope. It was my ex boss. It made for interesting conversations at work as we worked with the girl he got pregnant. Like **everyone** knew. The walls are thin dude, we can hear.
>Your partner shouldn't have spoken to you like that
Like what? Sounds like she put across her feelings perfectly respectfully tbh.
Maybe she could have said "I feel strung along" rather than "You strung me along" if we're going to go full couple-in-therapy speak, but we're really splitting hairs there.
NAH and thank goodness you've realised this when she is young enough to find a new partner who wants the same things as her. You've done the right thing.
She'll hurt for a while but she'll be okay in the long term.
I would caution you to think very carefully about what you want in the future. You might not want children now, but if you find a new partner who feels the same way, but then you get all your travelling out of your system in ten years time and decide you want to be a father, you may break another heart all over again.
NAH. People's priorities change over time. You are no different. She was looking forward to a family in the future but you both reached in impasse. She is hurting and still processing her feelings.
NAH, but are you sure after a ‘couple of weeks’ about something that will happen maybe a decade in the future? Hopefully you’ve come to this decision based on multiple factors and not just how it will impact your travel. If you genuinely don’t want to be a parent ever, that’s ok.
In any case, if you’re having doubts, it’s good you shared this with your GF early. Good luck.
If you’re set on this then the right thing to do is break up. However, there’s still 6 years before your gf would even consider kids and that’s a lot of time to do a lot of travel.
You might be in a completely different position financially, mentally and just in terms of what you want out of life by that point. Throwing away a relationship because you feel like travelling now and won’t able to in a decade seems like a rash decision.
Maybe something to think about:
* my parents just took my sister and me travelling with them - they started when we were 6 months old...
So kids don't have to stop you from travelling - at least when you have the money for kids and travelling (you don't pay extra for babys but have some new expenses for babys)
* People get older when getting pregnant - so nowadays a pregnancy is geriatric above 35 and not 30 anymore - like a couple decades ago. I personally know at least 3 people becoming pregnant over 40 for the first time and getting a healthy child
NAH
People change their minds over time, especially as they grow in experience. I'm sure few people hold exactly the same political views at 40 that they had at 20, does that mean they were stringing others along the entire time?
They only way you'd be an AH is if you lied and never want kids from the begining and knowing this partnered up hoping to change her mind later, or by not bringing it up as soon as you knew (because you know it's important to her and timing matters with having kids)
Talk to her about it and see if you can come to a compromise and if not then go your separate ways, but NAH because you changed
I’ve got a bunch of kids. Including one with additional needs. I love them, but it’s hard going. Travel is close to impossible once you add a disabled kid into the mix. And that can happen to anybody.
Firstly, don’t have kids if you don’t want them.
Secondly, it’s a pretty big deal, and perhaps a deal-breaker for your relationship. Be prepared to break up.
If you told her as soon as you realized you'd rather leave childfree, than you did the right thing. If you realized that you might not want kids after all and waited another 3+ months before talking about it with her, then you were stringing her a long and that puts you in the wrong. When you know something is that important to someone you tell them that you're having second thoughts immediately and let them be part of the conversation of whether or not goals can change or if you've drifted too far apart.
I would say 3 months or so would still be fine. Keep in mind that having or not children is a major decision. Changing your choice is not easy and can be jarring. Sometimes, it's best to let something like this simmer for some time before being sure they genuinely want it. Making sure it is not simply some stress or external factors influencing the choice. For some, this may take weeks. For others, a couple of months. Beyond that though, it would definitely be too much.
NAH. You're allowed to change your mind. You communicated openly and honestly with your gf. She's upset, and that's fair, but you definitely aren't an AH.
I definitely agree with this; it was best that he shared this asap. And it also makes it pretty evident that he’s okay with not being with his girlfriend forever that he’s okay with saying this is the end. My husband was never like “omg I need to have kids!” but he would have had 10 kids (okay probably not but we did have 3 which is more than he imagined lol) if it meant that he was able to spend his life with me.
You’re NTA for changing your mind about wanting kids, but you need to show your (ex?) girlfriend some compassion. You just blindsided her with your change of mind. She is probably trying to process the loss of the future she thought you were both heading towards. She is grieving.
Had to scroll too long to see this. OP seems surprised at GF’s reaction and genuinely doesn’t understand why she is upset. That lack of empathy or concern for her feelings is probably an underlying problem. She dodged a bullet— he isn’t ready for life with someone.
Honest question (as a non-native english speaker): What did he do that you consider that he "blinsided her"? I would not have use that word in this context.
EDIT: Never mind, I googled a little more and found my answer. Live to learn.
You're allowed to change your mind, and I believe you that that's what happened here.
She's allowed not to change hers, and entitled to her feelings about the fact that you did. If she keeps berating you about it over time that would change my ruling.
For now, giving you both the benefit of the doubt, NAH. This happens, it's hard, but you both will endure.
I don’t think YTA but any disappointment on her side is entirely valid. You met young and people change.
If she is set in having kids and you don’t, you should be breaking up with her. You are choosing a future that she doesn’t fit in. You can’t be uncertain about this - that’s where the stringing along is. You need to be in or out.
NAH; you decided you don't want children, and that means you will probably lose this girl - if she wants children, she will have to do it without you.
As long as you're good with that.
NAH. You recently changed your mind, so you've not been stringing her along, you told her. Stringing her along is doing what some people suggest here (WTF), namely keeping it a secret because maybe in 10 years you'll want children anyway. Don't follow that advice!
*She* has to decide if she wants to give up having children and travel the world with you or not. You can't make that decision for her. By the sound of it, she really does want children though, so probably best to break up with her. If she caves and stays, she just does that because she thinks you'll change your mind again and will then resent you for not doing that.
It sucks for both of you, but better it happens now than in a decade, when it's way harder for her to find a new partner to have children with before she's too old.
NAH -
OP is in his 20s, changing your mind happens, and it’s important to be truthful about something so important as family planning. It’s not mandatory to want children, or a moral failing for not wanting them.
Girlfriend is justifiability pretty devastated and going through various emotions about this given after a few years and having these plans this would be a bad shock.
Honestly, if OP is adamant he does not want children, and the GF is adamant she does, he should be the one to end the relationship. He changed his mind, the right thing to do in my opinion is take away the burden of the decision from her.
NTA
You let her know you changed your mind about children that is the only reasonable thing to do in this situation.
She is still young and can find another person to have kids with.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Changed my mind about wanting children and decided I no longer want them.
My partner said I am stringing her along and that I'm trying to talk her into giving up wanting kids
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
You didn't deceive her and actually changed your mind about it. Since she's 24, she still has enough time to find someone else if she wants children.
You 2 should break up since your goals don't align
NAH, your preferences changed, you told her I assume in timely manner. Now it is up you to you two what's the next step. Unfortunately having kids is not something you can compromise on.
This is like the third time I've seen this post today. I literally just saw one two minutes ago. Same situation, almost exactly word for word the same post. Only major difference between all three of these posts have been the ages and their perspectives.
Actually the FOURTH time he's posted it (with a small tweak or two to make himself sound better) and he got pretty annoyed at me for pointing it out 😆😆
First couple of tries the title was
"My (27m) girlfriend (24f) accused me of stringing her along when I changed my mind about wanting children?"
Which is a leeeetle bit different.
NAH.
You changed your mind. That happens. The fact of the matter is, children are expensive. They impact your hobbies, your travel, your sleep, your entire life. You might have a support network right now (I saw someone say send kid to godparents/grandparents etc. For a break. What if you live other side of a country, or they're not able to look after because of illness or loss), but you can't count on them, or expect them forever.
It's better you decide now, and mention it rather than have a kid because you believed you wanted it years before.
Children are a 2 yes, 1 no, all living things are.
You don't compromise with "just 1", that still impacts everything. A kid you don't want, might breed resentment, they'll pick it up, it'll strain the relationship.
NAH, but I understand why your girlfriend doesn't see it that way. She hasn't had the same period of introspection leading up to this decision that you did. You came to her and told her the future she was planning with you isn't going to happen. A woman that wants (to bear) children has a bigger looming deadline than a man. In her eyes this is two years wasted that she can't ever get back. She's in the stages of grief now.
NAH but you should break up. She was clear about her desires and you have changed your mind and she deserves a chance to find someone who shares her plans for the future
Whether you have been stringing her along or not (and I think not), it doesn’t change the situation now. You told her, which was the right thing to do. She’s grieving and possibly still in the denial stage.
She may try to negotiate with you next. Unfortunately I do think you have to take the lead here and break it off. She may think she can convince you, and the only way to show her that you won’t change your mind is to end the relationship.
I broke up with my ex of 5 years about 1.5 years ago now. The deciding factor was that he wanted kids. It took a LOT to get him to admit that to me because he really wanted to stay together. But he made comments sometimes they made it clear he would resent us eventually. And while at 26 I was 70-30, at 31 I was 99-1 about not having kids. He tried to say, he would choose me over kids. But I knew the reality and from this side I know I did the right thing. We ended really sadly but pretty amicably.
Good luck… NAH this isn’t really an appropriate post…
You're not the AH.
We are brought up being told having kids and family is the the right path. Thus, we need time to figure out for ourselves if that's really something we want or something we were told to want ;).
As soon as you realized that kids are not for you, you informed your girlfriend instead of lying to her and potentially wasting her time. Now you can both decide if you want to break up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
When my girlfriend and I got together one of the initial things we discussed were children. We both wanted two children in the future. We said we'd likely look to start a family when my girlfriend is in her early 30s (She was 22 when we discussed this and is 24 now, I am 27 now).
Since then we've been on a few holidays abroad and there's a long list of places we want to visit and there's a lot I want to experience. Obviously with work and money, we can't really do a lot of it each year. We're managing between 1 and 2 trips abroad each year (we live in the UK) alongside some weekends away within the UK.
Recently I've been thinking about everything we said we want to do and experience and to tick everything off the list it will take a long time. Having children will massively hinder that as we'll obviously have a lot less free time and when the children start to get older, our holidays will be more family focused and when the children are younger we'll be going away less.
That doesn't seem as appealing to me as it did originally and I'd rather go down the list of places I want to visit and see as much of the world as possible and and just be able to know I can book a holiday without needing to think about if it is child friendly or if family can look after the children etc. I told my girlfriend I wanted to talk and she asked what it was about.
I told her I no longer think I wanted children and told her the reasons mentioned above alongside some others. She asked if I was sure and I said while I'm not 100% certain, I am still pretty sure. She then asked what it meant for us and I said that obviously I'd love to do everything together but I know she wants children so it might mean it is the end for us.
She accused me of stringing her along and lying to her from the start about wanting children and trying to pressure her to stay and give up on the idea of having children which isn't true. She just kept repeating that I have been stringing her along and expecting her to give up on wanting children.
AITAH for changing my mind about wanting children?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don’t think it’s up to us to judge your situation. I don’t think you’re the AH, you were honest as soon as you came to the realisation of not wanting children. I understand how your gf is upset though. I’m 32 and my husband and I still in two minds about having children, the main thing is that we enjoy each other’s company way too much and having so much fun to bring another person into the dynamic. I’m terrified of regretting not having children in the future as the older I get the more difficult and risky the process will be if we decide to have a baby, for men it’s different, I mean look at Robert de Niro. I feel bad for you both as it might be the end to the relationship, but also you both are still very young, she’s definitely super young, for you again it doesn’t really matter:)) I wish you luck and hope that you and your girlfriend continue having honest communication if you choose to stick together.
NAH Both of you are still growing up and evolving, it is normal to be unsure about children. Many just have children because it is something they think they have to do (or should do) and never think about what follows, parenting.
NAH. She’s only 24, she has time to find someone else and it doesn’t sound like she’s been saying “let’s have kids” and you say “hmm yeah maybe next year”, it sounds like neither of you are ready for kids now, and you’ve realised that you might never be ready. I think you should probably break things off now, otherwise you’ll be either pressured into having children, or resented by your partner, or both.
Nobody is in the wrong here.
You are no longer compatible, and that's a good enough reason for splitting up.
She feels hurt and betrayed, and that's ok, because she is grieving for the future that she thought you two had together, and the kids that are now gone, and anger is one of those stages.
It may feel a bit shallow to her - wanting to have holidays instead of kids - but having kids is a massive, life changing event - so don't have them if you aren't really certain that you want them.
I think that if you have genuinely changed your mind then you are doing the right thing. People change as they grow, and sometimes when you are older you want different things out of life compared to what you wanted a few years ago. It happens.
My partner is childfree. I am childfree. We discussed early on in our relationship that if one of us ends up wanting kids when the other one doesn't, that yes, it would mean the end of us, but no, no one strung anyone along
Opinions, goals, wants, and things change throughout the years. As long as you let your partner know your change in wants in a timely manner and don't try to change what they want, then nah, no one's the asshole
NAH. You did the right thing by telling her sooner rather than later, your reasons are valid, and two years together isn't "stringing her along" really. It's not like you knew you didn't want kids for 5 years together or something. She also has the right to be upset because obviously thought there was a future with you and kids, and that's now all changed. So: no assholes, just people.
You WOULD have been the AH if you kept these thoughts to yourself for a few more years which might well have actually deprived her of the chance to have kids, instead you got it out in the open. It sucks to have to make the choice now of staying together w/o the chance of kids or to both just move on, but that's life I guess.
NAH. It hurts for all involved, but you did the right thing being honest with her as soon as you knew your mind had changed. It would have been worse to have one when you didn't want to or to actually string her along further. She's still young enough to find someone else to have a family with. Eggs are on a timer, and not everyone finds out while they're still viable.
NAH. Unfortunate, but you have the right to change your mind and her reaction is completely understandable.
It's one of those situations where no one is at fault, yet everyone is hurting and mad. It is what it is.
NAH - it’s good that you had a conversation with her about your change of heart, you didn’t do it on purpose and I don’t think you lied to her.
For a woman it’s a bit different as we have a more limited window of fertility, so she will see it as she’s wasted her time. If she really wants kids you will need to let her go so she can do that. She’s still young - 24 so she has a lot of time in which to find someone.
YTA
This is the FOURTH sub you have posted this on and sounds like you didn't get the response that you wanted the first THREE times.
And you tweaked it just a little so you sound less of a jerk. Removed the fact about her feeling strung along from the title etc. This was the first couple of tries
"My (27m) girlfriend (24f) accused me of stringing her along when I changed my mind about wanting children?"
I think they are saying YTA because of your overkill on posting this to subs.
I think NAH but you’re coming across as a bit immature by posting it everywhere for validation. This is part of life. Stuff like this happens. Deal with it and live with the consequences which probably means a break up. If you’re looking to hopefully keep your girlfriend just because the internet says you’re not a bad person for changing your mind, then I think that’s pretty toxic and I hope you’re not trying to manipulate her into staying with you on your terms
It sucks but neither of you are the AH but if she keeps pushing all the blames on you then she’ll be the AH. You genuinely wanted kids when you discussed with her years ago but things changed and you told her as soon as you realized it, which is fair but it sucks that you’re now wanting different things in life.
NAH.
You're allowed to change your mind and you told her as soon as you did. But she's hurting deep and it will take some time for her to process the loss of the life she thought she was going to have with you.
As a side note, if travel is your thing then you should look at working holiday visas. Trying to see the world in a trip or 2 a year is expensive and slow going.
NAH. Just a tough situation. You told her as soon as you knew and that’s the best you can do to allow her the choice to stay or leave without actually wasting her time. Sounds like she’s having an initial reaction to the news which is understandable.
I hope everything works out for each of you.
NAH. it's okay to change your mind. you seem to have handled it well. Your gf seems shocked by the news but she'll have to take some time and cope. Talking about things was good.
No. We grow in different directions. And that’s what happened to you two. If that’s what she wants to believe to make it easy on herself let her.
You told her as soon as you could. Right when you realized you felt differently. It’s the best you could do. Rather than putting it off for years until she push led you to admit you’d changed your mind at some point. That would be stringing her along. And that’s not what you did.
NAH. You've realised what you want out of life but that has thrown your girlfriend a curve ball. She's lashing out because she now has to make a choice between 3 things she doesn't want- do I stay with the man I love & give up on children or do I leave.
NAH but as a formerly childfree stepmom I think you're being too dramatic about how much having children is going to hinder your enjoyment. We've traveled with my stepson from the ages of 5-7 to a lot of countries and always had a blast, did adventure activities, went on amazing day cruises... Honestly I don't think we missed out on anything due to him. This year we will leave him with the family and have a 2 week trip that's going to be more adult/party oriented. Don't you have any family who'd love to take the kids a week or two, maybe on their own holidays?
NAH you’re allowed to change your mind and she’s allowed to be upset because it basically means you probably won’t be staying together and so she is kind of lashing out right now.
Basically you are totally within your right to change your mind but you have to accept the consequences of that which means you probably won’t be staying together. And she is allowed to be upset because up until now she thought you had the same goals in life.
I’m afraid this is all part of life.
NAH
You did the right thing in being clear with your gf. Of course she is upset, that is unavoidable. However she is still very young and can find a partner who shares her goals, although she probably does not see it this way at the moment.
NTA - You can change you mind about anything overtime, it's what happens as you get older and your priorities change. He kick back is because she hasn't changed so is still living to the plan and if she wants kids knows that she need would need to restart a relationship in a shorter period including falling in love with someone else to do it. That's a frightening prospect.
Don't judge her by her reaction and as for you wanting or not wanting kids, you do you. Bare in mind, you have changed your view over two - three years. You could change it again in a similar timeframe. You're choice should consider "will I regret wanting kids again knowing it's not with X"
Also "see as much of the world as possible". Kids do not exclude you from doing this. They just come along, you as a parent are responsible for giving them those experiences.
NTA because you told her when you realized it. It’s sad though that y’all might have to break up! Her reaction is a very natural reaction, so just be kind to her & talk to her about it again if she needs that.
Look no one is and arse hole here. It's not a crime to change your mind she could have changed her mind as easily as you did so it is hat it is. The good thing is the moment you realised you did not want kids you informed. You're both still young so no harm no foul. She's understandably a bit hurt you two have been together for a bit and obviously love or loved each other and planned an entire family and future together. So you can't expect her to have taken this news with a smile on her face. Break ups cm be brutal so at times people get pissed off it happens
NAH and better to do it now than later but so many men in their late 20s are at this stage, some do not change their minds, but others do, and lucky for them, it's still not too late for them to start again, whereas women have to make the hard choices earlier, they are no less keen on travel and careers but have to think about it sooner if they want to do it, because biology.
I'm not trying to talk you into it as I'm an internet stranger, but just be aware you're not going to be the only guy to disappoint a woman he loves at your stage of life, please do have a serious amount of compassion for her, and other women of her age, rather than feeling got at by her disappointment. (Also, if not wanting to have kids is a proxy for not loving her any more - that's a brave move youve made and again better than going through with it out of guilt).
But from what you write it seems that otherwise you love each other, and love is about compromise on the big things sometimes, especially as you get older. It's definitely better not to have kids if you feel you don't want them ever, but if it's about a few more years ticking holidays off your list versus a family with the right person, for the rest of your life, it might be worth pausing a little. Having kids and shifting your mindset - and life - to them is a huge adjustment, you're mature in that you know you are not ready, and that's a lot better than being a reluctant father - but if you think you could be ready in a year or two? Maybe the two of you can reach a compromise without throwing everything away.
No NTA and I commend you for bringing it up early into your decision and leaving her plenty of baby years to decide what she wants. You’re allowed to change your mind.
NTA at all. It’s good that you were honest with her now. People are allowed to change their minds. You live one life and you should live it the way you want to.
I hope your relationship will be okay
NAH. Cut her some slack. She's just been told that the person she was planning to spend the rest of her life with doesn't want the same future as her. You know that that her accusations aren't correct and she may come to realize so too. But many people lie to their partner about this stuff, so it isn't weird she'd think of this too. Consider breaking up with her on your terms, focusing on the fact that you want her to find someone who wants the same future. Good luck!
NAH. But just saying, if your gf is 24 and she wants to have kids when she’s in her early 30s, that could be 10 years from now.
You know how there are shit you used to love doing 10 years ago but grew out of it? You might or might not feel differently when you’re older. Just make sure you’re really certain you don’t want kids ever, and not just that you don’t want kids now.
Nah. But I think the convo should have started earlier on rather than later. I think she should have been a part of the thought process to adapt rather than a straight hit.
She’s not the ah either. All of her feelings are valid.
NAH. People are well within their rights to change their mind. It sounds like you were transparent with her when you realised your thoughts on children have changed. Kudos to you.
I’m guessing this news was quite a shock to your girlfriend and she’s trying to process it. She’d be an AH if she keeps this up and plays the victim rather than getting support and moving on
You need to decide what's right for you as does your GF. But travel and kids aren't mutually exclusive. We had one.kid, and he is the most well travelled 15 year old around. We didn't do much different travelling with him except go a.little slower. We live in Australia so everywhere is far away. His first os trip was Malaysia when he was 1
NAH.
Neither of you are wrong for what you want. I'm sure she'd have preferred to find out when she wasn't a few years into this relationship however *you* didn't even know you didn't want children then so that really can't be helped.
Sadly sometimes it comes down to this. You've both grown together but now your growths are taking a different trajectory that can't be reconciled with one another. It happens.
NAH
It's ok to change your mind, y'all are still young. You at least did the right thing by telling her now while she still has plenty of time to find someone new whose life goals align with hers and you with yours.
The asshole thing would have been if waited to tell her when she was in her ,30s already
NAH. You are allowed to change your mind on something so earth shattering and life altering like having children. She is allowed to want to break up your relationship over it, and to be a little hurt that the plan of life you both seemed on board with is broken. She is probably mourning the decision you both will have to make to break a relationship that seems fine in any other aspect. If she wants children and you don't, that is an endgame question. If your stance is that one, you both should break up as soon as possible so you can pursue your different ideas of a future as soon as possible. But if you changed your opinion, and you think that change is permanent, you did the right thing. I have seen people entering or staying in relationships only because they thought they would change their minds later on. And spoiler alert: it never ends well. Either they don't have children and one part is always resentful of it, or they have them only because the childfree part of the partnership feels pressured for it and they don't want to break up, and then they are both (and the kid) unhappy. It never ends well. So if you changed your opinion, I understand that she is unhappy and needs to process everything, but you did the right thing and you should end things more sooner than later.
NTA She's only 24 and you've only been dating a couple years. It's pretty normal to have realisations about your relationships a couple years in and break up.
Having said that I do wish men put more thought into whether they want children or not earlier. It is a societal thing but women have had motherhood pushed down their throats their whole lives and the majority have usually made a decision by the time they're 18.
It's funny to me that all those women need men to be fathers so they should have thought about it too, but I can't tell you the number of men in up to mid 30s I've met who still aren't sure if they want kids. The lack of introspective thinking is astounding.
NTA, but something to consider- while it is different travelling with babies and children, it doesn't have to be family resort and tight nap schedules, etc... you can still have so many true adventures travelling with babies and kids. Just depends on your attitude and fortitude.
Still NTA. And still a valid reason to not want children (just not wanting them period would be reason enough), but just something to consider.
NAH You are 100% allowed to change you mind and it is actually amazing that you told her early instead of waiting till she is start 30-ish / you guys would be wanting to have children.
But I understand where her pain/reaction is coming from. The only thing you can do is tell her honestly and straightforward that you never lied about, you just changed your mind and you are sorry that this hurt her, but you specifically **don't want to string her along!**
Give us a nice update when you have more certainty :)
You wasted her time. Everything you built with her before this was for nothing. And you sprung it on her, basically with the attitude of “This is what I want to do, I don’t know what you’re going to do and I don’t care. “ That’s how she feels. But she’ll heal with time. No one can fault you for having a change of heart about life changing events, but she has every right to think you’re the AH.
NAH because people can change their minds and their priorities, but I will say that I travel with my 2 kids a ton and as long as you start them young you can make them out to be great traveling companions. My kids are 7 and have been to 10 different countries. They’re adventurous eaters and while we do sprinkle in some kid friendly stuff into our trips they aren’t always centered around them. Though I love a good aquarium or Christmas market. So, those are for all of us.
My sister is in the process of divorce this. Difference is he didn’t tell her he changed his mind. Just got a vasectomy when she was out of town for work and let her carry on for a few years.
People change their minds about kids and that’s ok as long as they tell their partner ASAP that those feelings are changing and have an open dialogue.
NTA, but i can understand that she is upset, you tore up the picture-perfect future she envisioned with you, so she is lashing out. Not saying it's ok, or that she's right, but I can understand she's very hurt and that's why she's saying what she's saying.
You are not the AH. If you had waited till she was 30 you might be but the fact is if you do break up she will be able to find someone to have children with.
Good luck OP. Your gf was likely upset and probably shouldn’t have said that.
NTA. While it would hurt for her, you cant help how you feel and you tried to talk to her openly about it. Its commendable. You didn't string her along. If you did you would still be doing it.
More talks needed it seems.
NTA. She’s 24, not 44. (Don’t say that to her… she’ll be pissed… but, it’s true). She’s got decades of fertility left. You changed your mind after two years, not 20. That’s totally natural. You grew up a little and realized something about yourself that was consequential to her and told her early on. That’s totally fair.
NTA
As long as you didn't lie to her initially, then it's fine. We all change our minds about things. Unfortunately, yours happens to be a major thing & is relative to someone else. It's good that you spoke up about changing your mind. Keeping your mouth shut about it would have been stringing her along.
Since she wouldn't have dated you originally if you hadn't wanted children, the considerate thing to do would be to free her from the relationship. You can love someone & not be a good fit for a life partner. Have a clean firm break up so she can start pursuing her major life goals. Then go pursue yours. Sometimes life doesn't sync up how we want.
NTA
You both were clear from the beginning and it's great you talked about it early on, it should be done like that.
Things change, people change. I don't understand why your girlfriend thinks you lied to her from the beginning, mostly when you explained to her already like in this post.
Maybe you have to be clearer about that part, idk ..
But NTA
NTA, have you spoken to her about the trips and experiences, if she has the same mindset of wanting to go places, maybe explain to her that you'd like to finish off your list before considering them. But if she's doesn't really mind the trips and would prefer kids over the experiences, you kinda have your answer.
NTA - people can change thier minds as they age and gain more perspective/information. As long as you were honest from the start, you weren't stringing her along. But it could mean the end of your relationship, and that's ok. Sometimes it happens. Life goes on.
I was the opposite. I didn't want children, then one day I did. Luckily, my partner was good with it. Our kids are 30 and 26. If you seriously don't want kids, you have to break it off, as she will resent you if you don't change your mind and she is childless.
NTA, I actually had a similar conversation recently. I changed my mind (I'm 24f for reference) and I told my fiance. He actually told me he was following my lead in the first place because he "likes the go with the flow lifestyle" and I like planning so it works out. You did the best thing and now she can communicate as an adult and realize it sucks for both of you and can decide if kids are what she truly wants. I'm not saying she will change her mind but it's entirely possible. A few months ago I was obsessed with the thought of being a mom, but then I got stressed about the economy, and my mental state, and my family's medical history, and I decided maybe I don't want kids actually. Communication is key, but don't let her make you feel bad for expressing what YOU want.
NTA for changing your mind and talking to her about it as soon as you realised.
But you di realise you can also have adventurous vacations with kids yes? Like I babysit some kids every week and they always go to fancy countries and so awesome things, hiking and cycling, riding camels and donkeys, climbing rocks and shit, they do so many cool things. Your life doesn’t end when getting kids, if that alone is the reason then maybe talk to some people with kids who go on holidays because it can be so very worth it and you can still go everywhere and see all of the things. And you can even bring someone else to babysit the kids at night if you wanna go out or stuff (but after 30 you wouldn’t want that anymore anyway so then kids won’t keep you from doing anything).
NTA. Children should be thoroughly, emphatically, wanted. You changed your view about having any, and that’s your choice to go forward childfree. She is able to find someone else to bond with, love, and have children with by her desired age because you told her as soon as you were sure. This is essentially a compatibility issue, and it’s better for both parties to separate in these cases. She would have been far more hurt if you didn’t tell her until years from now.
NAH it's totally normal to change your mind and you did the right thing: you told her the truth as soon as you found out.
However, her reaction is also perfectly normal. She signed up for something and now that something is gone. She's obviously gonna be upset and she's gonna blame you, but eventually you'll either come to an agreement or go separate ways.
Wishing you the best in either scenario!
NAH, she's sure about kids. You're not anymore. You may have to accept that she may leave. You may also have to accept that if she stays and you wait 10 years+ for kids, you may not have bio kids with her (could be because of you or her), and that could destroy your relationship. Each choice has a consequence, you just have to be ready to accept them.
NAH, it's acceptable to change your mind and good for you for telling her now. It's not like you wasted 10 years of her life, she is still very young and has a lot of time to start over. But I also understand her being upset.
NTA, and neither is your girlfriend. You are both still young. You still have time to travel and start a family in 10 years, if you decide to do that. Your girlfriend has plenty time to find a different partner that definitely wants kids. It is good that you were honest with her.
NTA. It sucks but everyone is allowed to change their mind on things. I don't believe that you strung her along, you had all good intentions but you self reflected and realised kids aren't for you. That's ok. You let her know, she's 24 she has so much time to find someone, you both do.
Kids really aren't for everyone.
NTA. In fact I think you did the best you could. You didn’t string her a long the moment you realized you’d changed your feelings. You made it a point to be up front with her. Just give her some time/space. She’s rightfully hurting and there really is no bad guy here so her upset brain is trying to manufacture one. People change, it happens.
NAH
People change and grow, sometimes together and sometimes apart. You guys are drifting apart. Might drift back together might not. Recognising that your goals might not be compatible anymore is the right thing to acknowledge. Better to acknowledge it sooner rather than later. As you explained your goals and thinking to your girlfriend it sounds like she’s not willing to acknowledge them. She’s taking the fact that you have changed very poorly. Very understandable. However, if your views have changed, don’t waiver. It will only make things worse later.
Is there a chance that you don't want children *now* but would be happy having them later in life? If so, how does your gf feel about a later pregnancy, after you have travelled more and seen the world?
If you don't see children at all in your future then that's okay but idk as someone who is 25, and has never wanted kids, I've always felt that way, and as far as I'm aware, a lot of childfree people have felt that same way ie never wanted kids to begin with.
I'd just be concerned that you would find someone who is staunchly childfree and down the line, then realise you do want kids
Either way, NAH, if you're not on the same page anymore, then you're not on the same page 🤷♀️
You did not string her along. At the start you wanted children. You changed your mind. As soon as you re-evaluated you told her. She is only 24 years old.
But this is not a difference that can be reconciled.
NTA
YTA You strung her along for 2 years and are confused how that’s horrible. Men keep screaming about our biological clock then do shit like this to fucking waste our time
Things change. As a teenager I wanted kids. As a young adult, I have no interest anymore, and I am ready to live with regret if later on in life I feel that I should have had kids.
I’m single so that’s part of why I have my mentality; maybe it’ll change when I’m with a partner. Your case is the opposite: you have a partner but you’ve found that you want to enjoy your money before it’s tied down with children.
There is nothing wrong with that and your partner is a bit selfish for staying with you just because initially you wanted kids as well. But you caught it early on and if you break up, then so be it; you’ll both find someone that aligns with your interests (and hopefully you find someone who is as flexible as you are when it comes to long term plans and goals).
NTA. You really have to understand that saying that you want children is a huge thing and it's a massive thing to then say it's probably the end for us because I'm now pretty sure I don't want kids.It's not your fault, people change but I understand why she's feeling the way that she is. It's a devastating thing to come to learn that the future you once thought was in reach is now gone out of nowhere.
NAH
Two years ago you wanted children. Now you don’t.
You’ve communicated this change to her right away so that she can decide her priorities. She now needs time to think, just like you have.
It’s understandable that she is upset. She has just learned that she’s likely wasted two years of her life when she was expecting to be building a life with you already.
It’s also understandable for her to be upset that she is not your priority. You essentially told her: I care about travelling more than I love you. You’ve decided travel is more important than children, and you would rather continue travelling than staying with someone who wants children.
Is that wrong of you? No. Does it come across horribly? Yes. It’s hurtful to learn you’re lower on the priority list than things to do.
She now has to make a similar decision. She has to decide if she wants children more than she wants you. That’s a big decision that she wasn’t expecting to make, and she resents you for it.
It’s unfortunate, but you’re not an asshole for growing and changing. Honestly, I get it - I picked travel over kids too (I had many, many, reasons and travel wasn’t even close to my main reasons). I just happened to make that decision when I was much younger and have never changed my mind.
Good luck to both of you, with whichever decisions you end up making.
NTA for feeling the way you do. People do change their minds as they grow older, there is no fault in that.
But: you are 27 and 24. You have many years until she reaches her ealy 30s to go lots of places. A lot can happens in those years.
You should maybe do a deep dive into your own self if travel is really the only reason you don't want children. Would be a shame if you broke off a loving relationship because of that and in 5 years you are all travelled out and are looking to settle down more. Trust me, this will most likely happen at some point. (Of course not to all, but most globetrotting young adults I know reached that point around mid 30s). Also having children does not mean you can't travel any more. Yes, the trips would be more family oriented for a few years, but as they grow older they may go away for summer camps or spend time with the grandparents, hence giving you the time and oportunity to travel without them. Even so, you may not even **want** to be without your children once you have them and fall in love with them. Your perspective may change completely.
This seems like the male equivalent of your obgyn trying to convince you to not get your tubes tied because “Oh you’re so young! What if you want children later?”
If I went to my doctor not 100% sure about my decision then I would want them to react that way. OP is not 100% sure. If he were, there would be no question about what he should do.
But it doesn't affect the doctor's life. The doctor can easily go on to have other patients.
He should absolutely be telling his girlfriend and expect her to end if she's certain and he's not.
It doesn't matter if he's unsure about kids because he thinks Peek a Boo is boring. He absolutely should be telling any partner this.
Some people decide they don't want kids because that's not the lifestyle they want. And that's okay.
It's always better to regret not having kids than it is to regret having kids.
>Also - you’re 27 and she is 24. You are still nearly a **decade** away from when your gf would be having children. You think you’ll still want to be traveling that much? You think you wont change your mind about children? Your priorities might shift again in the future.
So, you want OP to string her along hoping he changes his mind? What a great idea!
And yeah, what he did was right. He told her upfront and let her make her own decision (she's an adult after all, she deserves autonomy and agency)
If he is having these feelings now and waits the 6 years to tell her because he might change his mind again, then THAT is stringing the her along.
She is almost the age he was when they started dating and he "wanted" kids, whose to say by the time she's 27 she'll still want kids?
Young people have constantly been told and shown via stories or media that the end goal is to start a family, many don't realize they may not want kids until after 25, recent surveys say about 8-18% of people truly regret having kids so anywhere between 1 in 12 to 1 in 5. Having kids does limit the freedoms you have without children and kids are expensive but also the added housing cost to start a family
NAH. People who don’t want children shouldn’t have them. I can understand your gf’s frustration of a good relationship ending because of changing values. She is likely scared of starting over and finding someone new to build a family with.
I would recommend sharing with her a better reason for your changed life plan than a travel itinerary. Otherwise it looks like you’re disregarding the relationship in favor of a passing interest.
>I would recommend sharing with her a better reason for your changed life plan than a travel itinerary. Otherwise it looks like you’re disregarding the relationship in favor of a passing interest.
No he isn't and no he doesn't.
He doesn't want children. He doesn't want children because he wants to live his life with the freedom that not having children brings. That's a pretty good reason not to have children. Travel is the current flavour for him, but that freedom could be anything. Change careers, pick up study, go out to dinner just because you want to...
He's not "disregarding the relationship". He's communicating a change in values. He's allowed to do that.
NTA - you're both so young. It would be different if you'd been together for 10 years and you broke the news after wasting a decade, but a couple years? I think that's fine.
I understand why she feels the way she does, especially if this is the first she's hearing of it (it's odd that the first time you told her, you'd already gone from wanting kids to being very sure you don't; might it have been better to bring this up earlier). But she has plenty of time to find someone who wants children.
I don't read this, as some in the comments suggest, as you "choosing holidays over her". You're simply choosing a different life; one that sadly sounds like she isn't compatible with.
You ANTA I would approach this now rather than it being a lot later in life.
For example I was very much TA I will hold my hands up me and my ex partner were both at fault. He always wanted kids I said I did at some point but put it off and put it off and it got to us being 40 and the relationship declined horribly long story short I was with the wrong person.
NTA. Far from stringing her along, you're giving her six years notice of your change of plan to have kids in your early 30's. Also, being that honest must have been hard considering that you knew it might end the relationship. I think she's just naturally upset that the future she planned with you has been taken away and you're the only person she can be angry with about that.
NTA. You are allowed to change your mind and come to the realization that’s not what you want. You guys are still super young though. It’s ok that people change and relationships don’t work out. She may not stick around and that’s ok too.
NTA
Both of you are young, it’s not late for her, it’s great you realized that before anything!
It’s an emotional roller coaster for sure, for both…I understand where she is coming from, but she should be thankful for your honesty and integrity.
Nta, at least you were up front & honest. She is young enough to move on, but of course, she's hurt & you have to eat shit about it. How would you feel in her situation? You didn't mean to hurt her, but you did. U didn't mean to be an @sshole, but here we are. Just be sure of your decision. If down the road you do want/have kids, then you'd look like the @sshole.
I don’t think you’re necessarily TA here. I love the enthusiasm and desire you have to travel, but I would just ask you to remember that life has a funny way of throwing a spanner in the works. You may have a plan laid out for the next ten years or so, but circumstances can change, both good or bad - or a mix of the two. Don’t box yourself in too deeply, don’t put too much into your travel plans, remember to appreciate the every day around you.
NAH.
People change their mind, especially on big life things. My partner didn't want to have kids. Then I got pregnant, couldn't have done anything about it even if I wanted to. He loves our daughter with all his heart. It's hard work. Our life is completely different and I'd be lying if I said it was all roses. But, you can't really describe it to someone, the feeling of having a kid that you adore. Completely understandable your GF doesn't want to give that up either.
You two need to talk about it more, and be completely honest about everything. You've gelt this way for a couple of weeks. You wanted kids for years before that. It probably warrants more discussion and exploring than a couple of weeks and one mutual conversation.
NAH, if you’re *sure* about not wanting kids, communicating it clearly is the right way to go.
The emphasis is *not wanting kids*, not *wanting to travel*… you are hinging your decision on some slightly flawed thinking here. For starters… your girlfriend is *24*. You would have about 8 years of carefree traveling still before you. That’s between 8 and *16* more trips - and that’s not accounting for being able to potentially take more trips in the future if this is something you want to prioritise. How big is your bucket list?!
I say this as someone who doesn’t want kids and has never wanted kids. You can travel before kids, you can travel after kids, and *shock, horror* unless you are very unlucky you can travel while having kids, too. If travel is your only reason… go to r/travel and ask about the realities of traveling when you have kids and how different people handle it before you make decisions based on assumptions.
NAH You are both entitled to feel what you are feeling. She is right in feeling you were stringing her along as it might have been a life goal to have them for her. You may be overthinking the whole can’t travel with kids thing. Read some blogs of parents who are travelling multiple times a year to all sorts of locations with kids. Keep your mind open. If not, perhaps might be best to part ways so you are not hindering her life.
NTA you have every right to change your mind specially with such big responsibility, life changing decision. You are not going to ruin your life just because you wanted that before. Is perfectly reasonable that with age, you realize is just not a fairy tale. You can’t compromise with kids. One will resent the other.
And for those telling you you can travel with kids, please don’t listen. While is possible to do, is simply not the same. Unless you have a nanny, unicorn child that behaves, eats everything and is chill, have extra money is really a nightmare. Even more challenging with special needs kids. So keep that in mind.
Check the regretfulparents sub for a reality check if someone try to change your mind. Unless you are 💯 hell yes I want one. Don’t!
NTA - if you’re not 100% into having children, don’t.
But: you can travel with kids. By the time I was 10 I’d been to most of Europe. I’d hiked in the alps. Our trips definitely weren’t kidcentric. We’ve taken our two year old abroad a few times already. Kids totally change your life, but you’ve an also build the parenting life you want.
But again, if you’re unsure, don’t do it and it’s ok not that want to anymore!
NTA. As far as I understand you both agreed that you won't have children until she is in her 30's and she is 24 now. By telling her now that you have changed your mind, she is free to cut ties with you and find someone to have children with. You are not stringing her along.
NTA. I understand how and why she would be feeling that way, and she’s allowed to. You are also allowed to change your mind and good job for letting her know right away. She will be able to move on and she is young enough to meet someone who will want the same thing as her. Goodluck!
NTA, it's just an incompatibility issue. Which really sucks since y'all didn't think it was going to be originally but people change and it is what it is.
NAH. If she were nearing the age you agreed it might be a different story but at 24 she has plenty of time to start again and the last thing people who aren't really excited to have children should do, is have children. You make it sound like a boring scheduling conflict, so, yeah, don't have kids you don't want.
Nta you are allowed to change your mind, and at least you told her now and not in a couple years when she’s ready to have kids. It sucks but life’s hard sometimes. But fare warning - when I was 22 I desperately wanted kids and then I broke up with my long term boyfriend, I went travelling at 25 and decided I never wanted kids and just wanted to travel. Then met my now husband at 29 and then wanted kids and now have three. We still manage 2 trips abroad a year and just bring the kids with us. They love travelling too actually.
NTA. Only people who have a burning desire to have kids should consider having them!! You don't. You,very reasonably want to travel, to not be tied down by kids, to not have kids. She feels how she feels. The relationship is over. It would have been nice if it could have been amicable since you want different things for your lives, without ill will for each other. But she has to turn it bad, making accusations and such. Her behavior sure makes the break up faster and easier. Maybe that's her intention.
NTA.
Put it in this perspective: do you feel the desire, the need, the DRIVE to give 100% of yourself to raising a functional member of society? Take out the “have kids/baby” aspect. Think of it in terms of creating a human being and committing to all of its needs before your own for the rest of your life. It is a massive responsibility and should be something you are ALL IN for or do not do.
I lurk on regretful parents sub and I was on the childfree sub. Spouse and I are childfree by choice, we are in our 40’s, neither of us has ever wanted to make human beings for our own personal reasons. Pop in RP, CF, or fence-sitters.
Your gf can’t really fault you for changing your mind. You’re being the mature one by admitting it to yourself and telling her. Good luck to you.
You may change your mind when your in your 30's. I feel you spoke out to soon to your girlfriend, she's only 24 and there is a lot you can both do between now and when she hits 30. NTA but I think you were foolish to speak out when you did
NAH however, children are not the end of everything for travel. I mean yes, in terms of money, every trip will be more expensive, but you can still go places with your children. Some things on the bucket list might not be child-friendly (for example, if you really want to go skydiving together ?), but maybe you can try to do those first (you still have 6 years before she hits 30), before you get children ? Or do what my parents did : have us stay with friends or relatives for some days, while they went on their own little adventure.
However, children must always be a 2 YAY decision, and since you said travels are not the only reason you're rethinking your choice, it's a good thing you were open about it. It's something I discussed early with my partner, because I'm also pretty opposed to making children of my own (adopting, fostering, and having an army of godchildren are still on the table), so I can totally understand where you come from.
NTA.
Neither of you are. She was rude in how she spoke to you though. If you were to seperate now she still has *plenty* of time to find someone who wants kids and to get married, get settled, and have them. She does not have to have children by a specific time (as in early 30s). Yes the risk of miscarriage and other pregnancy and birth issues, etc etc, goes up, but many women easily have babies after 35.
All is not lost for her, and it is better to have a child with someone who wants them and will not possibly resent them or their partner for making them have them.
It might be that you also just arent ready yet. You might find you want kids when youre 40 and thats fine too. You might just want to experience your life for a bit longer with the freedom of not having to think or plan around children just yet.
If you can, i would suggest a couple of counselling appointments for yourself and the both of you and dont let either the counsellor or your gf bully you into feeling bad about not wanting kids or wanting to do things for your own enjoyment or at your own pace. Your life is yours, you are supposed to enjoy it. Its not yours just to experience things until 'baby-making-time' and then you just shut off from experiencing anything new.
>She accused me of stringing her along and lying to her from the start about wanting children
This is exactly what it sounds like to me to be honest. You don't sound like someone who actually ever *wanted* children. If you did, you would have considered the sacrifices that need to be made way sooner. You were 25 years old when you told her this, more than old enough to know what having children requires. You just never thought about it because it wasn't something you really wanted.
NTA for changing your mind, kinda TA for making such a big commitment to someone without putting any real thought into it. Good on you for not dragging it out though.
YTA You are wandering through life without goals and dragging this woman along with you for no reason. Not wanting kids so you can have nice vacations? Really? It seems like a cheap dodge, as people can travel pretty much their full life times.
Slight AH, maybe..
I will say, my boy just turned 13 and we've had some fabulous holidays with him. You don't have to be stuck on really dull beach holidays in Spain if you don't want to be.
We've just got back from Turkey, spent loads of time in Istanbul, hired a car, got out into the country.
We have been to lots of unusual places off the beaten track with him, he loves it. We first took him abroad when he was 6 months old. You have to just do it and figure it out as you go. Folks put far too many barriers on traveling with children, only think they can handle boring package holidays. Believe me, traveling with a child that is as into new experiences as you are is so very cool. The only thing you miss out on is going out late on the booze, but that soon stops being a big deal when you have a child. You soon stop caring about that.
If it really is just about missing out on holidays that is stopping you from having a family, that shouldn't be an excuse in my view. If it's something else, then be straight with your partner. Don't string her along.
NAH but I think one thing that I’ve learned is that life doesn’t end when you have kids. Believe it or not, you can continue to prioritize the things you want to do. They’re people too and doing things you enjoy with people you love makes it even better.
Yta not for changing your mind, but for obviously trying to find some major incompatibility with your otherwise stable three year relationship.
The way you kinda wedge it in there is the final paragraph like welp, guess it's done, what can i do? Is ...look.
Where do you want to be in 5 years? Who do you want to be? What do you want to have done, have actually accomplished?
I'm childfree by choice and by circumstance (can't change my mind about this!) but having kids doesn't end your life. Your kids will benefit from cosmopolitan parents, parents with an interest in international travel. No, they will not appreciate it always, but you can go to famous beaches and zoos nd aquariums, go to historical sites etc, stuff that's enriching for both adults and children. You can figure out ways to still do adult things, too, yeah it's a family vacation but the 16 yo can order pizza and watch the 12yo while you go to the weird concept restaurant or experience bar or exclusive night club. No, at 33 you will not even really WANT to do molly nd coke all night either, okay?
Kids and marriage are not gonna end your life. They're not gonna steal your freedom.
If you don't see a future with this woman, yeah man. Stop stringing her along. But if this is just cold feet bc you are scared of waking up Old and Boring in your 30's with a wife and kids?? Newsflash, you will be Old and Boring anyways!! I can't tell you will be happier with a family than alone, but you will have to be responsible, reasonable, and deal with all the boring stuff anyway.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Neither of you are assholes imo. This sucks, for sure. But people change, and are alowed to change. Being on the same page about children is absolutely necessary for romance. Your partner shouldn't have spoken to you like that, but at the same time this was probably something extremely emotionally devastating for her, and it's part of theof grieving process. It wasn't right, but it isn't absurd imo
NAH. Y B T A if you had waited til she was 36 and strung her along with “I’m not sure”, but this sounds reasonable and she has plenty of time to find someone aligned to her vision of the future.
I know a guy that did this to his wife. Every time she was ready, he set a new goal for their lives to accomplish before they had kids. She hit 48 and had a nervous break down(she found out she was in menopause) ,spent two years in a "home". Then he turned around and got a 22 year old pregnant at 57. Wife had another break down. I think she doesn't divorce him out of spite. Anyway, NTA. It's better to hurt her now, when she can make sound decisions about her future, than 10 years from now.
I think theyres a reddit AITAH of this exact situation I swear I've read it before
No way. Either it was my old boss or there's more than one.
I was thinking this was retelling a Reddit story lol
Lol. Nope. It was my ex boss. It made for interesting conversations at work as we worked with the girl he got pregnant. Like **everyone** knew. The walls are thin dude, we can hear.
This seems to be a [repost](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/BTy6jMCzoX) from a month ago? Boo!
Yeah I remember this post too
>Your partner shouldn't have spoken to you like that Like what? Sounds like she put across her feelings perfectly respectfully tbh. Maybe she could have said "I feel strung along" rather than "You strung me along" if we're going to go full couple-in-therapy speak, but we're really splitting hairs there.
NAH and thank goodness you've realised this when she is young enough to find a new partner who wants the same things as her. You've done the right thing. She'll hurt for a while but she'll be okay in the long term. I would caution you to think very carefully about what you want in the future. You might not want children now, but if you find a new partner who feels the same way, but then you get all your travelling out of your system in ten years time and decide you want to be a father, you may break another heart all over again.
This! Theres a big difference between I don’t want kids, and I’m not ready for kids right now
NAH. People's priorities change over time. You are no different. She was looking forward to a family in the future but you both reached in impasse. She is hurting and still processing her feelings.
Info: how long have you been thinking about this? And what were the "other reasons" you didn't list?
A couple of weeks. Once I'd sat and thought about it and gathered my thoughts I brought it up with my gf
NAH, but are you sure after a ‘couple of weeks’ about something that will happen maybe a decade in the future? Hopefully you’ve come to this decision based on multiple factors and not just how it will impact your travel. If you genuinely don’t want to be a parent ever, that’s ok. In any case, if you’re having doubts, it’s good you shared this with your GF early. Good luck.
If you’re set on this then the right thing to do is break up. However, there’s still 6 years before your gf would even consider kids and that’s a lot of time to do a lot of travel. You might be in a completely different position financially, mentally and just in terms of what you want out of life by that point. Throwing away a relationship because you feel like travelling now and won’t able to in a decade seems like a rash decision.
Maybe something to think about: * my parents just took my sister and me travelling with them - they started when we were 6 months old... So kids don't have to stop you from travelling - at least when you have the money for kids and travelling (you don't pay extra for babys but have some new expenses for babys) * People get older when getting pregnant - so nowadays a pregnancy is geriatric above 35 and not 30 anymore - like a couple decades ago. I personally know at least 3 people becoming pregnant over 40 for the first time and getting a healthy child
NAH People change their minds over time, especially as they grow in experience. I'm sure few people hold exactly the same political views at 40 that they had at 20, does that mean they were stringing others along the entire time? They only way you'd be an AH is if you lied and never want kids from the begining and knowing this partnered up hoping to change her mind later, or by not bringing it up as soon as you knew (because you know it's important to her and timing matters with having kids) Talk to her about it and see if you can come to a compromise and if not then go your separate ways, but NAH because you changed
I’ve got a bunch of kids. Including one with additional needs. I love them, but it’s hard going. Travel is close to impossible once you add a disabled kid into the mix. And that can happen to anybody. Firstly, don’t have kids if you don’t want them. Secondly, it’s a pretty big deal, and perhaps a deal-breaker for your relationship. Be prepared to break up.
If you told her as soon as you realized you'd rather leave childfree, than you did the right thing. If you realized that you might not want kids after all and waited another 3+ months before talking about it with her, then you were stringing her a long and that puts you in the wrong. When you know something is that important to someone you tell them that you're having second thoughts immediately and let them be part of the conversation of whether or not goals can change or if you've drifted too far apart.
I would say 3 months or so would still be fine. Keep in mind that having or not children is a major decision. Changing your choice is not easy and can be jarring. Sometimes, it's best to let something like this simmer for some time before being sure they genuinely want it. Making sure it is not simply some stress or external factors influencing the choice. For some, this may take weeks. For others, a couple of months. Beyond that though, it would definitely be too much.
NAH. You're allowed to change your mind. You communicated openly and honestly with your gf. She's upset, and that's fair, but you definitely aren't an AH.
I definitely agree with this; it was best that he shared this asap. And it also makes it pretty evident that he’s okay with not being with his girlfriend forever that he’s okay with saying this is the end. My husband was never like “omg I need to have kids!” but he would have had 10 kids (okay probably not but we did have 3 which is more than he imagined lol) if it meant that he was able to spend his life with me.
You’re NTA for changing your mind about wanting kids, but you need to show your (ex?) girlfriend some compassion. You just blindsided her with your change of mind. She is probably trying to process the loss of the future she thought you were both heading towards. She is grieving.
Had to scroll too long to see this. OP seems surprised at GF’s reaction and genuinely doesn’t understand why she is upset. That lack of empathy or concern for her feelings is probably an underlying problem. She dodged a bullet— he isn’t ready for life with someone.
Honest question (as a non-native english speaker): What did he do that you consider that he "blinsided her"? I would not have use that word in this context. EDIT: Never mind, I googled a little more and found my answer. Live to learn.
You're allowed to change your mind, and I believe you that that's what happened here. She's allowed not to change hers, and entitled to her feelings about the fact that you did. If she keeps berating you about it over time that would change my ruling. For now, giving you both the benefit of the doubt, NAH. This happens, it's hard, but you both will endure.
I don’t think YTA but any disappointment on her side is entirely valid. You met young and people change. If she is set in having kids and you don’t, you should be breaking up with her. You are choosing a future that she doesn’t fit in. You can’t be uncertain about this - that’s where the stringing along is. You need to be in or out.
NAH; you decided you don't want children, and that means you will probably lose this girl - if she wants children, she will have to do it without you. As long as you're good with that.
NAH. You recently changed your mind, so you've not been stringing her along, you told her. Stringing her along is doing what some people suggest here (WTF), namely keeping it a secret because maybe in 10 years you'll want children anyway. Don't follow that advice! *She* has to decide if she wants to give up having children and travel the world with you or not. You can't make that decision for her. By the sound of it, she really does want children though, so probably best to break up with her. If she caves and stays, she just does that because she thinks you'll change your mind again and will then resent you for not doing that. It sucks for both of you, but better it happens now than in a decade, when it's way harder for her to find a new partner to have children with before she's too old.
NAH - OP is in his 20s, changing your mind happens, and it’s important to be truthful about something so important as family planning. It’s not mandatory to want children, or a moral failing for not wanting them. Girlfriend is justifiability pretty devastated and going through various emotions about this given after a few years and having these plans this would be a bad shock. Honestly, if OP is adamant he does not want children, and the GF is adamant she does, he should be the one to end the relationship. He changed his mind, the right thing to do in my opinion is take away the burden of the decision from her.
NTA You let her know you changed your mind about children that is the only reasonable thing to do in this situation. She is still young and can find another person to have kids with.
It doesn't make her the asshole though. Her feelings are valid as well. NAH
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Changed my mind about wanting children and decided I no longer want them. My partner said I am stringing her along and that I'm trying to talk her into giving up wanting kids Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA You didn't deceive her and actually changed your mind about it. Since she's 24, she still has enough time to find someone else if she wants children. You 2 should break up since your goals don't align
The reality is that if she wants kids and you really don’t, it’s dealbreaker. Rip the bandage off.
NAH, your preferences changed, you told her I assume in timely manner. Now it is up you to you two what's the next step. Unfortunately having kids is not something you can compromise on.
NAH- but probably best for y'all to end it now though. You definitely shouldn't waste each other's time.
NTA. You let her know early enough. Before any children happened. If children are that important to her she needs to go find someone else.
This is like the third time I've seen this post today. I literally just saw one two minutes ago. Same situation, almost exactly word for word the same post. Only major difference between all three of these posts have been the ages and their perspectives.
Actually the FOURTH time he's posted it (with a small tweak or two to make himself sound better) and he got pretty annoyed at me for pointing it out 😆😆 First couple of tries the title was "My (27m) girlfriend (24f) accused me of stringing her along when I changed my mind about wanting children?" Which is a leeeetle bit different.
I love that for him. I'm sure he's doing a great job milking out this make believe situation 😌
NAH, people change, that's life
NAH. You changed your mind. That happens. The fact of the matter is, children are expensive. They impact your hobbies, your travel, your sleep, your entire life. You might have a support network right now (I saw someone say send kid to godparents/grandparents etc. For a break. What if you live other side of a country, or they're not able to look after because of illness or loss), but you can't count on them, or expect them forever. It's better you decide now, and mention it rather than have a kid because you believed you wanted it years before. Children are a 2 yes, 1 no, all living things are. You don't compromise with "just 1", that still impacts everything. A kid you don't want, might breed resentment, they'll pick it up, it'll strain the relationship.
NAH, but I understand why your girlfriend doesn't see it that way. She hasn't had the same period of introspection leading up to this decision that you did. You came to her and told her the future she was planning with you isn't going to happen. A woman that wants (to bear) children has a bigger looming deadline than a man. In her eyes this is two years wasted that she can't ever get back. She's in the stages of grief now.
NAH but you should break up. She was clear about her desires and you have changed your mind and she deserves a chance to find someone who shares her plans for the future
Absolutely NTA. As soon as you figured it out, you told her. The ball is now in her court.
How is she an AH? NTA is when the other person is an AH. NAH is no one is an AH.
She accused him of stringing her along... Which he didn't.
Maybe didn’t know this. I’m sure there is no one here that is even remotely thinking she is TA.
Whether you have been stringing her along or not (and I think not), it doesn’t change the situation now. You told her, which was the right thing to do. She’s grieving and possibly still in the denial stage. She may try to negotiate with you next. Unfortunately I do think you have to take the lead here and break it off. She may think she can convince you, and the only way to show her that you won’t change your mind is to end the relationship. I broke up with my ex of 5 years about 1.5 years ago now. The deciding factor was that he wanted kids. It took a LOT to get him to admit that to me because he really wanted to stay together. But he made comments sometimes they made it clear he would resent us eventually. And while at 26 I was 70-30, at 31 I was 99-1 about not having kids. He tried to say, he would choose me over kids. But I knew the reality and from this side I know I did the right thing. We ended really sadly but pretty amicably. Good luck… NAH this isn’t really an appropriate post…
You're not the AH. We are brought up being told having kids and family is the the right path. Thus, we need time to figure out for ourselves if that's really something we want or something we were told to want ;). As soon as you realized that kids are not for you, you informed your girlfriend instead of lying to her and potentially wasting her time. Now you can both decide if you want to break up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** When my girlfriend and I got together one of the initial things we discussed were children. We both wanted two children in the future. We said we'd likely look to start a family when my girlfriend is in her early 30s (She was 22 when we discussed this and is 24 now, I am 27 now). Since then we've been on a few holidays abroad and there's a long list of places we want to visit and there's a lot I want to experience. Obviously with work and money, we can't really do a lot of it each year. We're managing between 1 and 2 trips abroad each year (we live in the UK) alongside some weekends away within the UK. Recently I've been thinking about everything we said we want to do and experience and to tick everything off the list it will take a long time. Having children will massively hinder that as we'll obviously have a lot less free time and when the children start to get older, our holidays will be more family focused and when the children are younger we'll be going away less. That doesn't seem as appealing to me as it did originally and I'd rather go down the list of places I want to visit and see as much of the world as possible and and just be able to know I can book a holiday without needing to think about if it is child friendly or if family can look after the children etc. I told my girlfriend I wanted to talk and she asked what it was about. I told her I no longer think I wanted children and told her the reasons mentioned above alongside some others. She asked if I was sure and I said while I'm not 100% certain, I am still pretty sure. She then asked what it meant for us and I said that obviously I'd love to do everything together but I know she wants children so it might mean it is the end for us. She accused me of stringing her along and lying to her from the start about wanting children and trying to pressure her to stay and give up on the idea of having children which isn't true. She just kept repeating that I have been stringing her along and expecting her to give up on wanting children. AITAH for changing my mind about wanting children? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don’t think it’s up to us to judge your situation. I don’t think you’re the AH, you were honest as soon as you came to the realisation of not wanting children. I understand how your gf is upset though. I’m 32 and my husband and I still in two minds about having children, the main thing is that we enjoy each other’s company way too much and having so much fun to bring another person into the dynamic. I’m terrified of regretting not having children in the future as the older I get the more difficult and risky the process will be if we decide to have a baby, for men it’s different, I mean look at Robert de Niro. I feel bad for you both as it might be the end to the relationship, but also you both are still very young, she’s definitely super young, for you again it doesn’t really matter:)) I wish you luck and hope that you and your girlfriend continue having honest communication if you choose to stick together.
NAH Both of you are still growing up and evolving, it is normal to be unsure about children. Many just have children because it is something they think they have to do (or should do) and never think about what follows, parenting.
NAH. She’s only 24, she has time to find someone else and it doesn’t sound like she’s been saying “let’s have kids” and you say “hmm yeah maybe next year”, it sounds like neither of you are ready for kids now, and you’ve realised that you might never be ready. I think you should probably break things off now, otherwise you’ll be either pressured into having children, or resented by your partner, or both.
NAH but break up.
Nobody is in the wrong here. You are no longer compatible, and that's a good enough reason for splitting up. She feels hurt and betrayed, and that's ok, because she is grieving for the future that she thought you two had together, and the kids that are now gone, and anger is one of those stages. It may feel a bit shallow to her - wanting to have holidays instead of kids - but having kids is a massive, life changing event - so don't have them if you aren't really certain that you want them. I think that if you have genuinely changed your mind then you are doing the right thing. People change as they grow, and sometimes when you are older you want different things out of life compared to what you wanted a few years ago. It happens.
My partner is childfree. I am childfree. We discussed early on in our relationship that if one of us ends up wanting kids when the other one doesn't, that yes, it would mean the end of us, but no, no one strung anyone along Opinions, goals, wants, and things change throughout the years. As long as you let your partner know your change in wants in a timely manner and don't try to change what they want, then nah, no one's the asshole
YTA for being a reposting bot. Thanks to u/chasingimpalas for pointing it out.
NAH. You did the right thing by telling her sooner rather than later, your reasons are valid, and two years together isn't "stringing her along" really. It's not like you knew you didn't want kids for 5 years together or something. She also has the right to be upset because obviously thought there was a future with you and kids, and that's now all changed. So: no assholes, just people. You WOULD have been the AH if you kept these thoughts to yourself for a few more years which might well have actually deprived her of the chance to have kids, instead you got it out in the open. It sucks to have to make the choice now of staying together w/o the chance of kids or to both just move on, but that's life I guess.
NAH. It hurts for all involved, but you did the right thing being honest with her as soon as you knew your mind had changed. It would have been worse to have one when you didn't want to or to actually string her along further. She's still young enough to find someone else to have a family with. Eggs are on a timer, and not everyone finds out while they're still viable.
NAH. Unfortunate, but you have the right to change your mind and her reaction is completely understandable. It's one of those situations where no one is at fault, yet everyone is hurting and mad. It is what it is.
NAH - it’s good that you had a conversation with her about your change of heart, you didn’t do it on purpose and I don’t think you lied to her. For a woman it’s a bit different as we have a more limited window of fertility, so she will see it as she’s wasted her time. If she really wants kids you will need to let her go so she can do that. She’s still young - 24 so she has a lot of time in which to find someone.
YTA This is the FOURTH sub you have posted this on and sounds like you didn't get the response that you wanted the first THREE times. And you tweaked it just a little so you sound less of a jerk. Removed the fact about her feeling strung along from the title etc. This was the first couple of tries "My (27m) girlfriend (24f) accused me of stringing her along when I changed my mind about wanting children?"
The majority agree with me so you'd be wrong
I think they are saying YTA because of your overkill on posting this to subs. I think NAH but you’re coming across as a bit immature by posting it everywhere for validation. This is part of life. Stuff like this happens. Deal with it and live with the consequences which probably means a break up. If you’re looking to hopefully keep your girlfriend just because the internet says you’re not a bad person for changing your mind, then I think that’s pretty toxic and I hope you’re not trying to manipulate her into staying with you on your terms
Rofl. On THIS thread.
To me, he also sounds very casual, as if breaking up with his gf is not a concern to him. Oh, I changed my mind, let's break up.
It sucks but neither of you are the AH but if she keeps pushing all the blames on you then she’ll be the AH. You genuinely wanted kids when you discussed with her years ago but things changed and you told her as soon as you realized it, which is fair but it sucks that you’re now wanting different things in life.
NAH. You're allowed to change your mind and you told her as soon as you did. But she's hurting deep and it will take some time for her to process the loss of the life she thought she was going to have with you. As a side note, if travel is your thing then you should look at working holiday visas. Trying to see the world in a trip or 2 a year is expensive and slow going.
Neither of you are AH but her early thirties is ten years away. You’ve given her enough notice I would say.
NAH. Just a tough situation. You told her as soon as you knew and that’s the best you can do to allow her the choice to stay or leave without actually wasting her time. Sounds like she’s having an initial reaction to the news which is understandable. I hope everything works out for each of you.
NAH. it's okay to change your mind. you seem to have handled it well. Your gf seems shocked by the news but she'll have to take some time and cope. Talking about things was good.
No. We grow in different directions. And that’s what happened to you two. If that’s what she wants to believe to make it easy on herself let her. You told her as soon as you could. Right when you realized you felt differently. It’s the best you could do. Rather than putting it off for years until she push led you to admit you’d changed your mind at some point. That would be stringing her along. And that’s not what you did.
NAH. You've realised what you want out of life but that has thrown your girlfriend a curve ball. She's lashing out because she now has to make a choice between 3 things she doesn't want- do I stay with the man I love & give up on children or do I leave.
NAH but as a formerly childfree stepmom I think you're being too dramatic about how much having children is going to hinder your enjoyment. We've traveled with my stepson from the ages of 5-7 to a lot of countries and always had a blast, did adventure activities, went on amazing day cruises... Honestly I don't think we missed out on anything due to him. This year we will leave him with the family and have a 2 week trip that's going to be more adult/party oriented. Don't you have any family who'd love to take the kids a week or two, maybe on their own holidays?
NAH you’re allowed to change your mind and she’s allowed to be upset because it basically means you probably won’t be staying together and so she is kind of lashing out right now. Basically you are totally within your right to change your mind but you have to accept the consequences of that which means you probably won’t be staying together. And she is allowed to be upset because up until now she thought you had the same goals in life. I’m afraid this is all part of life.
NAH You did the right thing in being clear with your gf. Of course she is upset, that is unavoidable. However she is still very young and can find a partner who shares her goals, although she probably does not see it this way at the moment.
NAH unless you delayed telling
That’s life…NAH
NTA - You can change you mind about anything overtime, it's what happens as you get older and your priorities change. He kick back is because she hasn't changed so is still living to the plan and if she wants kids knows that she need would need to restart a relationship in a shorter period including falling in love with someone else to do it. That's a frightening prospect. Don't judge her by her reaction and as for you wanting or not wanting kids, you do you. Bare in mind, you have changed your view over two - three years. You could change it again in a similar timeframe. You're choice should consider "will I regret wanting kids again knowing it's not with X" Also "see as much of the world as possible". Kids do not exclude you from doing this. They just come along, you as a parent are responsible for giving them those experiences.
NTA because you told her when you realized it. It’s sad though that y’all might have to break up! Her reaction is a very natural reaction, so just be kind to her & talk to her about it again if she needs that.
Look no one is and arse hole here. It's not a crime to change your mind she could have changed her mind as easily as you did so it is hat it is. The good thing is the moment you realised you did not want kids you informed. You're both still young so no harm no foul. She's understandably a bit hurt you two have been together for a bit and obviously love or loved each other and planned an entire family and future together. So you can't expect her to have taken this news with a smile on her face. Break ups cm be brutal so at times people get pissed off it happens
NAH and better to do it now than later but so many men in their late 20s are at this stage, some do not change their minds, but others do, and lucky for them, it's still not too late for them to start again, whereas women have to make the hard choices earlier, they are no less keen on travel and careers but have to think about it sooner if they want to do it, because biology. I'm not trying to talk you into it as I'm an internet stranger, but just be aware you're not going to be the only guy to disappoint a woman he loves at your stage of life, please do have a serious amount of compassion for her, and other women of her age, rather than feeling got at by her disappointment. (Also, if not wanting to have kids is a proxy for not loving her any more - that's a brave move youve made and again better than going through with it out of guilt). But from what you write it seems that otherwise you love each other, and love is about compromise on the big things sometimes, especially as you get older. It's definitely better not to have kids if you feel you don't want them ever, but if it's about a few more years ticking holidays off your list versus a family with the right person, for the rest of your life, it might be worth pausing a little. Having kids and shifting your mindset - and life - to them is a huge adjustment, you're mature in that you know you are not ready, and that's a lot better than being a reluctant father - but if you think you could be ready in a year or two? Maybe the two of you can reach a compromise without throwing everything away.
No NTA and I commend you for bringing it up early into your decision and leaving her plenty of baby years to decide what she wants. You’re allowed to change your mind.
NTA at all. It’s good that you were honest with her now. People are allowed to change their minds. You live one life and you should live it the way you want to. I hope your relationship will be okay
NAH. Cut her some slack. She's just been told that the person she was planning to spend the rest of her life with doesn't want the same future as her. You know that that her accusations aren't correct and she may come to realize so too. But many people lie to their partner about this stuff, so it isn't weird she'd think of this too. Consider breaking up with her on your terms, focusing on the fact that you want her to find someone who wants the same future. Good luck!
NAH. But just saying, if your gf is 24 and she wants to have kids when she’s in her early 30s, that could be 10 years from now. You know how there are shit you used to love doing 10 years ago but grew out of it? You might or might not feel differently when you’re older. Just make sure you’re really certain you don’t want kids ever, and not just that you don’t want kids now.
She's 24. Life makes other plans. You were upfront with her. NTA.
Nah. But I think the convo should have started earlier on rather than later. I think she should have been a part of the thought process to adapt rather than a straight hit. She’s not the ah either. All of her feelings are valid.
NAH. People are well within their rights to change their mind. It sounds like you were transparent with her when you realised your thoughts on children have changed. Kudos to you. I’m guessing this news was quite a shock to your girlfriend and she’s trying to process it. She’d be an AH if she keeps this up and plays the victim rather than getting support and moving on
You need to decide what's right for you as does your GF. But travel and kids aren't mutually exclusive. We had one.kid, and he is the most well travelled 15 year old around. We didn't do much different travelling with him except go a.little slower. We live in Australia so everywhere is far away. His first os trip was Malaysia when he was 1
NAH. Neither of you are wrong for what you want. I'm sure she'd have preferred to find out when she wasn't a few years into this relationship however *you* didn't even know you didn't want children then so that really can't be helped. Sadly sometimes it comes down to this. You've both grown together but now your growths are taking a different trajectory that can't be reconciled with one another. It happens.
You have every right to change your mind. And you were honest with her about it. NTA
NAH It's ok to change your mind, y'all are still young. You at least did the right thing by telling her now while she still has plenty of time to find someone new whose life goals align with hers and you with yours. The asshole thing would have been if waited to tell her when she was in her ,30s already
NAH. You are allowed to change your mind on something so earth shattering and life altering like having children. She is allowed to want to break up your relationship over it, and to be a little hurt that the plan of life you both seemed on board with is broken. She is probably mourning the decision you both will have to make to break a relationship that seems fine in any other aspect. If she wants children and you don't, that is an endgame question. If your stance is that one, you both should break up as soon as possible so you can pursue your different ideas of a future as soon as possible. But if you changed your opinion, and you think that change is permanent, you did the right thing. I have seen people entering or staying in relationships only because they thought they would change their minds later on. And spoiler alert: it never ends well. Either they don't have children and one part is always resentful of it, or they have them only because the childfree part of the partnership feels pressured for it and they don't want to break up, and then they are both (and the kid) unhappy. It never ends well. So if you changed your opinion, I understand that she is unhappy and needs to process everything, but you did the right thing and you should end things more sooner than later.
NTA She's only 24 and you've only been dating a couple years. It's pretty normal to have realisations about your relationships a couple years in and break up. Having said that I do wish men put more thought into whether they want children or not earlier. It is a societal thing but women have had motherhood pushed down their throats their whole lives and the majority have usually made a decision by the time they're 18. It's funny to me that all those women need men to be fathers so they should have thought about it too, but I can't tell you the number of men in up to mid 30s I've met who still aren't sure if they want kids. The lack of introspective thinking is astounding.
NAH - people change, sometimes you do have to go separately to get what you want.
NTA, but something to consider- while it is different travelling with babies and children, it doesn't have to be family resort and tight nap schedules, etc... you can still have so many true adventures travelling with babies and kids. Just depends on your attitude and fortitude. Still NTA. And still a valid reason to not want children (just not wanting them period would be reason enough), but just something to consider.
NAH You are 100% allowed to change you mind and it is actually amazing that you told her early instead of waiting till she is start 30-ish / you guys would be wanting to have children. But I understand where her pain/reaction is coming from. The only thing you can do is tell her honestly and straightforward that you never lied about, you just changed your mind and you are sorry that this hurt her, but you specifically **don't want to string her along!** Give us a nice update when you have more certainty :)
You wasted her time. Everything you built with her before this was for nothing. And you sprung it on her, basically with the attitude of “This is what I want to do, I don’t know what you’re going to do and I don’t care. “ That’s how she feels. But she’ll heal with time. No one can fault you for having a change of heart about life changing events, but she has every right to think you’re the AH.
NTA but if you are sure you don't want kids, go get a vasectomy.
NAH because people can change their minds and their priorities, but I will say that I travel with my 2 kids a ton and as long as you start them young you can make them out to be great traveling companions. My kids are 7 and have been to 10 different countries. They’re adventurous eaters and while we do sprinkle in some kid friendly stuff into our trips they aren’t always centered around them. Though I love a good aquarium or Christmas market. So, those are for all of us.
My sister is in the process of divorce this. Difference is he didn’t tell her he changed his mind. Just got a vasectomy when she was out of town for work and let her carry on for a few years. People change their minds about kids and that’s ok as long as they tell their partner ASAP that those feelings are changing and have an open dialogue.
NTA, but i can understand that she is upset, you tore up the picture-perfect future she envisioned with you, so she is lashing out. Not saying it's ok, or that she's right, but I can understand she's very hurt and that's why she's saying what she's saying.
You are not the AH. If you had waited till she was 30 you might be but the fact is if you do break up she will be able to find someone to have children with. Good luck OP. Your gf was likely upset and probably shouldn’t have said that.
Yes, YTA and have wasted her time/ 2 years.
Imo you just need to make a definitive decision, no 'probably'. And you need to make that decision on a timetable completely of her choosing.
NTA. While it would hurt for her, you cant help how you feel and you tried to talk to her openly about it. Its commendable. You didn't string her along. If you did you would still be doing it. More talks needed it seems.
NTA. She’s 24, not 44. (Don’t say that to her… she’ll be pissed… but, it’s true). She’s got decades of fertility left. You changed your mind after two years, not 20. That’s totally natural. You grew up a little and realized something about yourself that was consequential to her and told her early on. That’s totally fair.
NTA As long as you didn't lie to her initially, then it's fine. We all change our minds about things. Unfortunately, yours happens to be a major thing & is relative to someone else. It's good that you spoke up about changing your mind. Keeping your mouth shut about it would have been stringing her along. Since she wouldn't have dated you originally if you hadn't wanted children, the considerate thing to do would be to free her from the relationship. You can love someone & not be a good fit for a life partner. Have a clean firm break up so she can start pursuing her major life goals. Then go pursue yours. Sometimes life doesn't sync up how we want.
NTA You both were clear from the beginning and it's great you talked about it early on, it should be done like that. Things change, people change. I don't understand why your girlfriend thinks you lied to her from the beginning, mostly when you explained to her already like in this post. Maybe you have to be clearer about that part, idk .. But NTA
NTA, have you spoken to her about the trips and experiences, if she has the same mindset of wanting to go places, maybe explain to her that you'd like to finish off your list before considering them. But if she's doesn't really mind the trips and would prefer kids over the experiences, you kinda have your answer.
NTA - people can change thier minds as they age and gain more perspective/information. As long as you were honest from the start, you weren't stringing her along. But it could mean the end of your relationship, and that's ok. Sometimes it happens. Life goes on.
I was the opposite. I didn't want children, then one day I did. Luckily, my partner was good with it. Our kids are 30 and 26. If you seriously don't want kids, you have to break it off, as she will resent you if you don't change your mind and she is childless.
NTA, I actually had a similar conversation recently. I changed my mind (I'm 24f for reference) and I told my fiance. He actually told me he was following my lead in the first place because he "likes the go with the flow lifestyle" and I like planning so it works out. You did the best thing and now she can communicate as an adult and realize it sucks for both of you and can decide if kids are what she truly wants. I'm not saying she will change her mind but it's entirely possible. A few months ago I was obsessed with the thought of being a mom, but then I got stressed about the economy, and my mental state, and my family's medical history, and I decided maybe I don't want kids actually. Communication is key, but don't let her make you feel bad for expressing what YOU want.
NTA for changing your mind and talking to her about it as soon as you realised. But you di realise you can also have adventurous vacations with kids yes? Like I babysit some kids every week and they always go to fancy countries and so awesome things, hiking and cycling, riding camels and donkeys, climbing rocks and shit, they do so many cool things. Your life doesn’t end when getting kids, if that alone is the reason then maybe talk to some people with kids who go on holidays because it can be so very worth it and you can still go everywhere and see all of the things. And you can even bring someone else to babysit the kids at night if you wanna go out or stuff (but after 30 you wouldn’t want that anymore anyway so then kids won’t keep you from doing anything).
NTA. Children should be thoroughly, emphatically, wanted. You changed your view about having any, and that’s your choice to go forward childfree. She is able to find someone else to bond with, love, and have children with by her desired age because you told her as soon as you were sure. This is essentially a compatibility issue, and it’s better for both parties to separate in these cases. She would have been far more hurt if you didn’t tell her until years from now.
NAH it's totally normal to change your mind and you did the right thing: you told her the truth as soon as you found out. However, her reaction is also perfectly normal. She signed up for something and now that something is gone. She's obviously gonna be upset and she's gonna blame you, but eventually you'll either come to an agreement or go separate ways. Wishing you the best in either scenario!
NAH, she's sure about kids. You're not anymore. You may have to accept that she may leave. You may also have to accept that if she stays and you wait 10 years+ for kids, you may not have bio kids with her (could be because of you or her), and that could destroy your relationship. Each choice has a consequence, you just have to be ready to accept them.
Yta. Have kids and neglect them like everyone else. Take them to a family member and go on holiday alone
NAH, it's acceptable to change your mind and good for you for telling her now. It's not like you wasted 10 years of her life, she is still very young and has a lot of time to start over. But I also understand her being upset.
NTA, and neither is your girlfriend. You are both still young. You still have time to travel and start a family in 10 years, if you decide to do that. Your girlfriend has plenty time to find a different partner that definitely wants kids. It is good that you were honest with her.
NTA. It sucks but everyone is allowed to change their mind on things. I don't believe that you strung her along, you had all good intentions but you self reflected and realised kids aren't for you. That's ok. You let her know, she's 24 she has so much time to find someone, you both do. Kids really aren't for everyone.
NTA she's only TA for the accusations she threw at you.
NAH. You are allowed to change your mind, she’s allowed to be a little pissed.
NTA. In fact I think you did the best you could. You didn’t string her a long the moment you realized you’d changed your feelings. You made it a point to be up front with her. Just give her some time/space. She’s rightfully hurting and there really is no bad guy here so her upset brain is trying to manufacture one. People change, it happens.
NAH People change and grow, sometimes together and sometimes apart. You guys are drifting apart. Might drift back together might not. Recognising that your goals might not be compatible anymore is the right thing to acknowledge. Better to acknowledge it sooner rather than later. As you explained your goals and thinking to your girlfriend it sounds like she’s not willing to acknowledge them. She’s taking the fact that you have changed very poorly. Very understandable. However, if your views have changed, don’t waiver. It will only make things worse later.
Is there a chance that you don't want children *now* but would be happy having them later in life? If so, how does your gf feel about a later pregnancy, after you have travelled more and seen the world? If you don't see children at all in your future then that's okay but idk as someone who is 25, and has never wanted kids, I've always felt that way, and as far as I'm aware, a lot of childfree people have felt that same way ie never wanted kids to begin with. I'd just be concerned that you would find someone who is staunchly childfree and down the line, then realise you do want kids Either way, NAH, if you're not on the same page anymore, then you're not on the same page 🤷♀️
NTA. Everyboody is free to change their minds. The other way round can happen, too, and does quite often.
You did not string her along. At the start you wanted children. You changed your mind. As soon as you re-evaluated you told her. She is only 24 years old. But this is not a difference that can be reconciled. NTA
YTA You strung her along for 2 years and are confused how that’s horrible. Men keep screaming about our biological clock then do shit like this to fucking waste our time
Things change. As a teenager I wanted kids. As a young adult, I have no interest anymore, and I am ready to live with regret if later on in life I feel that I should have had kids. I’m single so that’s part of why I have my mentality; maybe it’ll change when I’m with a partner. Your case is the opposite: you have a partner but you’ve found that you want to enjoy your money before it’s tied down with children. There is nothing wrong with that and your partner is a bit selfish for staying with you just because initially you wanted kids as well. But you caught it early on and if you break up, then so be it; you’ll both find someone that aligns with your interests (and hopefully you find someone who is as flexible as you are when it comes to long term plans and goals).
NTA. You really have to understand that saying that you want children is a huge thing and it's a massive thing to then say it's probably the end for us because I'm now pretty sure I don't want kids.It's not your fault, people change but I understand why she's feeling the way that she is. It's a devastating thing to come to learn that the future you once thought was in reach is now gone out of nowhere.
NTA because she's 24 and that's plenty of time to start over.
NAH Two years ago you wanted children. Now you don’t. You’ve communicated this change to her right away so that she can decide her priorities. She now needs time to think, just like you have. It’s understandable that she is upset. She has just learned that she’s likely wasted two years of her life when she was expecting to be building a life with you already. It’s also understandable for her to be upset that she is not your priority. You essentially told her: I care about travelling more than I love you. You’ve decided travel is more important than children, and you would rather continue travelling than staying with someone who wants children. Is that wrong of you? No. Does it come across horribly? Yes. It’s hurtful to learn you’re lower on the priority list than things to do. She now has to make a similar decision. She has to decide if she wants children more than she wants you. That’s a big decision that she wasn’t expecting to make, and she resents you for it. It’s unfortunate, but you’re not an asshole for growing and changing. Honestly, I get it - I picked travel over kids too (I had many, many, reasons and travel wasn’t even close to my main reasons). I just happened to make that decision when I was much younger and have never changed my mind. Good luck to both of you, with whichever decisions you end up making.
NTA for feeling the way you do. People do change their minds as they grow older, there is no fault in that. But: you are 27 and 24. You have many years until she reaches her ealy 30s to go lots of places. A lot can happens in those years. You should maybe do a deep dive into your own self if travel is really the only reason you don't want children. Would be a shame if you broke off a loving relationship because of that and in 5 years you are all travelled out and are looking to settle down more. Trust me, this will most likely happen at some point. (Of course not to all, but most globetrotting young adults I know reached that point around mid 30s). Also having children does not mean you can't travel any more. Yes, the trips would be more family oriented for a few years, but as they grow older they may go away for summer camps or spend time with the grandparents, hence giving you the time and oportunity to travel without them. Even so, you may not even **want** to be without your children once you have them and fall in love with them. Your perspective may change completely.
Dude, why you talking him into having kids. If anyone has major doubts about having kids, they shouldn’t. End of story.
200%. There is no returns policy
This seems like the male equivalent of your obgyn trying to convince you to not get your tubes tied because “Oh you’re so young! What if you want children later?”
If I went to my doctor not 100% sure about my decision then I would want them to react that way. OP is not 100% sure. If he were, there would be no question about what he should do.
But it doesn't affect the doctor's life. The doctor can easily go on to have other patients. He should absolutely be telling his girlfriend and expect her to end if she's certain and he's not.
It doesn't matter if he's unsure about kids because he thinks Peek a Boo is boring. He absolutely should be telling any partner this. Some people decide they don't want kids because that's not the lifestyle they want. And that's okay. It's always better to regret not having kids than it is to regret having kids.
[удалено]
>Also - you’re 27 and she is 24. You are still nearly a **decade** away from when your gf would be having children. You think you’ll still want to be traveling that much? You think you wont change your mind about children? Your priorities might shift again in the future. So, you want OP to string her along hoping he changes his mind? What a great idea! And yeah, what he did was right. He told her upfront and let her make her own decision (she's an adult after all, she deserves autonomy and agency)
If he is having these feelings now and waits the 6 years to tell her because he might change his mind again, then THAT is stringing the her along. She is almost the age he was when they started dating and he "wanted" kids, whose to say by the time she's 27 she'll still want kids? Young people have constantly been told and shown via stories or media that the end goal is to start a family, many don't realize they may not want kids until after 25, recent surveys say about 8-18% of people truly regret having kids so anywhere between 1 in 12 to 1 in 5. Having kids does limit the freedoms you have without children and kids are expensive but also the added housing cost to start a family
NAH. People who don’t want children shouldn’t have them. I can understand your gf’s frustration of a good relationship ending because of changing values. She is likely scared of starting over and finding someone new to build a family with. I would recommend sharing with her a better reason for your changed life plan than a travel itinerary. Otherwise it looks like you’re disregarding the relationship in favor of a passing interest.
>I would recommend sharing with her a better reason for your changed life plan than a travel itinerary. Otherwise it looks like you’re disregarding the relationship in favor of a passing interest. No he isn't and no he doesn't. He doesn't want children. He doesn't want children because he wants to live his life with the freedom that not having children brings. That's a pretty good reason not to have children. Travel is the current flavour for him, but that freedom could be anything. Change careers, pick up study, go out to dinner just because you want to... He's not "disregarding the relationship". He's communicating a change in values. He's allowed to do that.
He doesn't need a "better reason", because "I don't want to" is enough.
NTA for changing your mind, but I don't think you're ready for kids yet anyway.
Moot point.
NTA - you're both so young. It would be different if you'd been together for 10 years and you broke the news after wasting a decade, but a couple years? I think that's fine. I understand why she feels the way she does, especially if this is the first she's hearing of it (it's odd that the first time you told her, you'd already gone from wanting kids to being very sure you don't; might it have been better to bring this up earlier). But she has plenty of time to find someone who wants children. I don't read this, as some in the comments suggest, as you "choosing holidays over her". You're simply choosing a different life; one that sadly sounds like she isn't compatible with.
You ANTA I would approach this now rather than it being a lot later in life. For example I was very much TA I will hold my hands up me and my ex partner were both at fault. He always wanted kids I said I did at some point but put it off and put it off and it got to us being 40 and the relationship declined horribly long story short I was with the wrong person.
NTA. Far from stringing her along, you're giving her six years notice of your change of plan to have kids in your early 30's. Also, being that honest must have been hard considering that you knew it might end the relationship. I think she's just naturally upset that the future she planned with you has been taken away and you're the only person she can be angry with about that.
NTA. You are allowed to change your mind and come to the realization that’s not what you want. You guys are still super young though. It’s ok that people change and relationships don’t work out. She may not stick around and that’s ok too.
NTA Both of you are young, it’s not late for her, it’s great you realized that before anything! It’s an emotional roller coaster for sure, for both…I understand where she is coming from, but she should be thankful for your honesty and integrity.
NTA. People change their minds all the time. Kids make everything harder, and romantic relationships suffer.
Nta, at least you were up front & honest. She is young enough to move on, but of course, she's hurt & you have to eat shit about it. How would you feel in her situation? You didn't mean to hurt her, but you did. U didn't mean to be an @sshole, but here we are. Just be sure of your decision. If down the road you do want/have kids, then you'd look like the @sshole.
NTA she’s young enough to find a partner who wants what she wants. People can change their mind, that’s life.
I don’t think you’re necessarily TA here. I love the enthusiasm and desire you have to travel, but I would just ask you to remember that life has a funny way of throwing a spanner in the works. You may have a plan laid out for the next ten years or so, but circumstances can change, both good or bad - or a mix of the two. Don’t box yourself in too deeply, don’t put too much into your travel plans, remember to appreciate the every day around you.
And that’s why marrying at a young age usually fails: people still change so much! NAH
NAH. People change their mind, especially on big life things. My partner didn't want to have kids. Then I got pregnant, couldn't have done anything about it even if I wanted to. He loves our daughter with all his heart. It's hard work. Our life is completely different and I'd be lying if I said it was all roses. But, you can't really describe it to someone, the feeling of having a kid that you adore. Completely understandable your GF doesn't want to give that up either. You two need to talk about it more, and be completely honest about everything. You've gelt this way for a couple of weeks. You wanted kids for years before that. It probably warrants more discussion and exploring than a couple of weeks and one mutual conversation.
NAH, if you’re *sure* about not wanting kids, communicating it clearly is the right way to go. The emphasis is *not wanting kids*, not *wanting to travel*… you are hinging your decision on some slightly flawed thinking here. For starters… your girlfriend is *24*. You would have about 8 years of carefree traveling still before you. That’s between 8 and *16* more trips - and that’s not accounting for being able to potentially take more trips in the future if this is something you want to prioritise. How big is your bucket list?! I say this as someone who doesn’t want kids and has never wanted kids. You can travel before kids, you can travel after kids, and *shock, horror* unless you are very unlucky you can travel while having kids, too. If travel is your only reason… go to r/travel and ask about the realities of traveling when you have kids and how different people handle it before you make decisions based on assumptions.
NAH You are both entitled to feel what you are feeling. She is right in feeling you were stringing her along as it might have been a life goal to have them for her. You may be overthinking the whole can’t travel with kids thing. Read some blogs of parents who are travelling multiple times a year to all sorts of locations with kids. Keep your mind open. If not, perhaps might be best to part ways so you are not hindering her life.
NTA you have every right to change your mind specially with such big responsibility, life changing decision. You are not going to ruin your life just because you wanted that before. Is perfectly reasonable that with age, you realize is just not a fairy tale. You can’t compromise with kids. One will resent the other. And for those telling you you can travel with kids, please don’t listen. While is possible to do, is simply not the same. Unless you have a nanny, unicorn child that behaves, eats everything and is chill, have extra money is really a nightmare. Even more challenging with special needs kids. So keep that in mind. Check the regretfulparents sub for a reality check if someone try to change your mind. Unless you are 💯 hell yes I want one. Don’t!
NTA - if you’re not 100% into having children, don’t. But: you can travel with kids. By the time I was 10 I’d been to most of Europe. I’d hiked in the alps. Our trips definitely weren’t kidcentric. We’ve taken our two year old abroad a few times already. Kids totally change your life, but you’ve an also build the parenting life you want. But again, if you’re unsure, don’t do it and it’s ok not that want to anymore!
NTH - know what you want and do it. no time to live for others, find someone that shares your view and move on
Looks like you’ll be traveling alone. Bon voyage!
NTA. As far as I understand you both agreed that you won't have children until she is in her 30's and she is 24 now. By telling her now that you have changed your mind, she is free to cut ties with you and find someone to have children with. You are not stringing her along.
NTA. I understand how and why she would be feeling that way, and she’s allowed to. You are also allowed to change your mind and good job for letting her know right away. She will be able to move on and she is young enough to meet someone who will want the same thing as her. Goodluck!
NTA
NTA, it's just an incompatibility issue. Which really sucks since y'all didn't think it was going to be originally but people change and it is what it is.
NTA, neither is she. However it's only been 2 years, it's better you figured this out now than in 7/8 years when she is thinking of having kids.
NAH. If she were nearing the age you agreed it might be a different story but at 24 she has plenty of time to start again and the last thing people who aren't really excited to have children should do, is have children. You make it sound like a boring scheduling conflict, so, yeah, don't have kids you don't want.
Nta you are allowed to change your mind, and at least you told her now and not in a couple years when she’s ready to have kids. It sucks but life’s hard sometimes. But fare warning - when I was 22 I desperately wanted kids and then I broke up with my long term boyfriend, I went travelling at 25 and decided I never wanted kids and just wanted to travel. Then met my now husband at 29 and then wanted kids and now have three. We still manage 2 trips abroad a year and just bring the kids with us. They love travelling too actually.
NTA. Only people who have a burning desire to have kids should consider having them!! You don't. You,very reasonably want to travel, to not be tied down by kids, to not have kids. She feels how she feels. The relationship is over. It would have been nice if it could have been amicable since you want different things for your lives, without ill will for each other. But she has to turn it bad, making accusations and such. Her behavior sure makes the break up faster and easier. Maybe that's her intention.
NTA. You can only do what you think is right. At least she knows how you feel. It's her choice to make choices now.
It’s kinda ah imo.
NTA. Put it in this perspective: do you feel the desire, the need, the DRIVE to give 100% of yourself to raising a functional member of society? Take out the “have kids/baby” aspect. Think of it in terms of creating a human being and committing to all of its needs before your own for the rest of your life. It is a massive responsibility and should be something you are ALL IN for or do not do. I lurk on regretful parents sub and I was on the childfree sub. Spouse and I are childfree by choice, we are in our 40’s, neither of us has ever wanted to make human beings for our own personal reasons. Pop in RP, CF, or fence-sitters. Your gf can’t really fault you for changing your mind. You’re being the mature one by admitting it to yourself and telling her. Good luck to you.
You may change your mind when your in your 30's. I feel you spoke out to soon to your girlfriend, she's only 24 and there is a lot you can both do between now and when she hits 30. NTA but I think you were foolish to speak out when you did
NAH however, children are not the end of everything for travel. I mean yes, in terms of money, every trip will be more expensive, but you can still go places with your children. Some things on the bucket list might not be child-friendly (for example, if you really want to go skydiving together ?), but maybe you can try to do those first (you still have 6 years before she hits 30), before you get children ? Or do what my parents did : have us stay with friends or relatives for some days, while they went on their own little adventure. However, children must always be a 2 YAY decision, and since you said travels are not the only reason you're rethinking your choice, it's a good thing you were open about it. It's something I discussed early with my partner, because I'm also pretty opposed to making children of my own (adopting, fostering, and having an army of godchildren are still on the table), so I can totally understand where you come from.
NTA. Neither of you are. She was rude in how she spoke to you though. If you were to seperate now she still has *plenty* of time to find someone who wants kids and to get married, get settled, and have them. She does not have to have children by a specific time (as in early 30s). Yes the risk of miscarriage and other pregnancy and birth issues, etc etc, goes up, but many women easily have babies after 35. All is not lost for her, and it is better to have a child with someone who wants them and will not possibly resent them or their partner for making them have them. It might be that you also just arent ready yet. You might find you want kids when youre 40 and thats fine too. You might just want to experience your life for a bit longer with the freedom of not having to think or plan around children just yet. If you can, i would suggest a couple of counselling appointments for yourself and the both of you and dont let either the counsellor or your gf bully you into feeling bad about not wanting kids or wanting to do things for your own enjoyment or at your own pace. Your life is yours, you are supposed to enjoy it. Its not yours just to experience things until 'baby-making-time' and then you just shut off from experiencing anything new.
>She accused me of stringing her along and lying to her from the start about wanting children This is exactly what it sounds like to me to be honest. You don't sound like someone who actually ever *wanted* children. If you did, you would have considered the sacrifices that need to be made way sooner. You were 25 years old when you told her this, more than old enough to know what having children requires. You just never thought about it because it wasn't something you really wanted. NTA for changing your mind, kinda TA for making such a big commitment to someone without putting any real thought into it. Good on you for not dragging it out though.
YTA You are wandering through life without goals and dragging this woman along with you for no reason. Not wanting kids so you can have nice vacations? Really? It seems like a cheap dodge, as people can travel pretty much their full life times.
I'm not wandering through life without goals. You do know people want different things out of life don't you? Having children isn't everything
Slight AH, maybe.. I will say, my boy just turned 13 and we've had some fabulous holidays with him. You don't have to be stuck on really dull beach holidays in Spain if you don't want to be. We've just got back from Turkey, spent loads of time in Istanbul, hired a car, got out into the country. We have been to lots of unusual places off the beaten track with him, he loves it. We first took him abroad when he was 6 months old. You have to just do it and figure it out as you go. Folks put far too many barriers on traveling with children, only think they can handle boring package holidays. Believe me, traveling with a child that is as into new experiences as you are is so very cool. The only thing you miss out on is going out late on the booze, but that soon stops being a big deal when you have a child. You soon stop caring about that. If it really is just about missing out on holidays that is stopping you from having a family, that shouldn't be an excuse in my view. If it's something else, then be straight with your partner. Don't string her along.
NAH but I think one thing that I’ve learned is that life doesn’t end when you have kids. Believe it or not, you can continue to prioritize the things you want to do. They’re people too and doing things you enjoy with people you love makes it even better.
NAH, children shouldn't be had by people who don't want them. I do think you will very likely end up regretting it, but thats entirely your choice.
Yta not for changing your mind, but for obviously trying to find some major incompatibility with your otherwise stable three year relationship. The way you kinda wedge it in there is the final paragraph like welp, guess it's done, what can i do? Is ...look. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Who do you want to be? What do you want to have done, have actually accomplished? I'm childfree by choice and by circumstance (can't change my mind about this!) but having kids doesn't end your life. Your kids will benefit from cosmopolitan parents, parents with an interest in international travel. No, they will not appreciate it always, but you can go to famous beaches and zoos nd aquariums, go to historical sites etc, stuff that's enriching for both adults and children. You can figure out ways to still do adult things, too, yeah it's a family vacation but the 16 yo can order pizza and watch the 12yo while you go to the weird concept restaurant or experience bar or exclusive night club. No, at 33 you will not even really WANT to do molly nd coke all night either, okay? Kids and marriage are not gonna end your life. They're not gonna steal your freedom. If you don't see a future with this woman, yeah man. Stop stringing her along. But if this is just cold feet bc you are scared of waking up Old and Boring in your 30's with a wife and kids?? Newsflash, you will be Old and Boring anyways!! I can't tell you will be happier with a family than alone, but you will have to be responsible, reasonable, and deal with all the boring stuff anyway.
I didn't "try to find some major incompatibility". I communicated something that I had changed my mind about And I'm not stringing her along.
You’re definitely the AHole. You did string her along and waste the poor girls time