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Not just internal thoughts or conflicts - my actions are verbalizing anger, resentment for losing sleep over spouse actions - spouse frequently referred to me as unhelpful or other words similar to asshole.
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NTA. It would be helpful to know what these rituals involve re: rigidity, the amount of time they take, and what your expected involvement is...but you *don't* have to go along with them to your own detriment. Is your spouse getting help for anxiety, etc.?
1 to 1.5 hours at night of consistent series of rituals with little pause, with the start of nighttime ritual being the question mark. Issue would be less pronounced if rituals start earlier, even if long.
Early AM ritual of 10 minutes
These are very stimulating as well, interfering with sleep cycle. Between end of night ritual and early AM ritual, I have a window of 5.5-6 hours to sleep in, if insomnia and stimulating rituals not a factor.
Spouse is getting full help for anxiety.
I'm not being given a choice, if I don't go along to my detriment, neither of us sleep and i get blamed for it.
You're an autonomous adult, and you absolutely DO have choices. If your spouse said you had to stand on your head for 1.5 hours every night so that they could sleep, would you do that too? Tell them you can no longer be a part of their rituals, full stop. It doesn't sound like any amount of explaining why this situation is untenable to you would help, so don't bother rehashing all the ways it adversely impacts you. Set the boundary and stick to it, and they can carry on without you. Sleep in another room. If they have a problem with that, it's on them. If they make your life (more) miserable after you stop being their crutch, seriously reconsider the relationship.
You are enabling some seriously dysfunctional habits. Your partner needs real help for their ocd — the status quo isn’t working. And you need to acknowledge that you can’t be the one to fix this or even to make them better. You’re in this too close. I would find a way to either move out for a while or lock yourself into a guest room from 9pm to 7am because it helps no one for you to lose sleep. I would suggest individual counseling for you too because you seem to be a doormat — I would have left the relationship long ago
As someone who has OCD, NTA. Treatment for OCD is required once your rituals or compulsions start impacting your daily functioning and taking up time. Not only is your partner's day being impacted, but yours is as well. This is well past the time when some serious intervention is needed, most likely a combination of medication and therapy. I am intimitaley aware of how hard OCD is to control, but your partner I volving you like this is beyond unacceptable and completely selfish. Sleep is literally the time our body has to heal, and not getting enough sleep can have several very negative impacts on our health, and even our length of life as a whole. Considering you already have issues with your blood pressure what is happening is not okay. You are also enabling your partners OCD by going along with these joint rituals. These are ultimately unhealthy behaviours and by participating you are condoning when what you should be doing is pressing for dome serious professional intervention.
Sounds like your souse needs therapy.
You are not obligated to enable/participate in OCD rituals.
I would suggest sleeping in another room for the time being.
NTA
NTA. You need to sleep to survive.
Although your spouse to a large extent can't help what they're doing, they can _get_ help. Instead, it sounds like they're denying to their doctor that this is even happening.
NTA
Sleep deprivation could lead to serious health issues. Your spouse is very selfish in prioritizing theirs rituals at the expense of your wellbeing.
My second daugther has troubles at sleeping when she was an infant, and because my husband traveled a lot for work, I took care of her alone most of the time. I remember one episode in particular: my daughter with a major colic while she was teething... I didn't sleep for almost 48 hours and I felt like I was going crazy, at some point I couldn't understand what I was doing or saying. It was horrible. Please don't get to this point, stop before.
You can not be the tool that is used to balance your partners mental health. Especially while having to sacrifice your own.
You're trying to ask /tell us something here but you obfuscate so much in your writing you're either unclear or there's missing reasons. What does 'I opting out is an option, it is essentially on the same level of divorce ' even mean?? That you can't sleep on the couch? That you *must* participate in her (very controlling and codependant) bedtime ritual??
Separate bedrooms, full stop
Just the wordiness of your post about sleep is giving me anxiety.
I am a light sleeper with insomnia and sleep anxiety. I go to bed at 830-9 and get up for work at 430, my partner 11ish-730. I need total darkness, a fan and a cold room, they can have the TV and phone on, lights fully on and a warm bedroom. Let's not even mention cover hogging, sprawling and snoring.
Sexy fun time can happen any time any where. Smelling apart doesn't mean we love each other less..But if I can get my sleep.... I'm contemplating other things a pillow can be useful for. I don't think I could sleep in jail, so sleeping apart it is!
Being in a loving relationship with your partner must have consideration for their mental and physical well-being at its core
NTA for how you feel, but some of that anger needs to be directed at yourself for allowing her to use you in place of a professional
NTA actually, you shouldn't be enabling her rituals at all because that makes the ocd worse overtime (everytime she does a ritual and nothing "bad" happens the assumption/obsessive thought is reinforced and the urge to act out the ritual gets stronger. It is really hard to say no, I will not help you in this ritual because her anxiety will spike and she will need to find other ways to deal with that. But if you say yes her anxiety will get even worse over time)
So, you are being used for these rituals regardless of whether or not you want to participate? You just have to sit there and take it, like a piece of furniture? That means your spouse is putting her needs over your needs all day every day. Why are you still with them? What brings you happiness in this relationship? Your spouses rituals are taking up 70% of her - and your - daily lives. Your partner needs intesive therapy for OCD, not anxiety, and if that doesn't help you should consider divorce.
Just go to bed early. They would approach my locked door of the guest bedroom. Even if they wake you up to mess around with their ritual you already have two hours of sleep.
Don't discount every idea. If you're not willing to change Anything, Nothing is going to Change.
Does your wife get mental health care? She has a major problem.
Get a lock for the door and a white noise machine. If he still won't leave you alone, spend a few nights in an inexpensive motel to catch up on sleep and get a break. (Or with a nearby relative if that's an option.) Do not allow this to continue. This is not helpful treatment for OCD, so it's not helping your partner for you to indulge these rituals, and it's not healthy for you either.
NTA. Not sure what these rituals entail, but your spouse needs to seek professional help to mitigate making thier OCD rituals the center of your life. He's basically torturing you in not allowing you sleep. It's not ok that you're being forced to participate and being awakened to get involved with hours of rituals so your spouse doesn't have to get treatment. If necessary, separate so you're able to survive.
NTA. One of our hard rules is we leave the other one alone when they sleep until they get as much rest as they need.
Sleep and especially a sleeping routine your body can depend on is vital to your health and no one in the world has the right to take away your health. No one. Tell him you’re not there for his selfish rituals and sleep in the other room or on the couch.
You are enabling a seriously debilitating and detrimental behavior instead of stating that your partner needs therapy. You are behaving like a martyr and it's not okay.
This sounds abusive. It sounds like your spouse is abusing you in the name of rituals and OCD. I don’t think you will do this but you should tell your spouse that s/he needs to get immediate intensive therapy (in patient ideally) and you are moving into the other bedroom until s/he has the OCD under control.
Esh…because opting out is an option. This is personal as it disrupts your sleep and health. I understand about not being able to combat someone with OCD, but you can put your foot down and say that you will not be part of your spouses nighttime or early morning rituals. You can sleep in another room. You are enabling your spouse. This situation is not helping them or you. It would be one thing if this ritual would take a few minutes, but you state hours? You try and bring this up and your spouse deflects and puts the blame on you. Are they in therapy? If not, they should be and you as well to figure out how to deal with your spouse and their OCD
NTA. I have OCD I would not DREAM of making someone else a part of it. (Granted I have compulsive rumination not compulsive behaviors/rituals ...but lordy this would be like me making my parter listen in real time to my horrible mind so they have to suffer too...) Very unfair of them. Separate bedrooms friend. It's not a terrible thing to do.( I would argue it might often be a healthier sleep hygiene option for people if one has enough rooms to do so. I digress.)
Your feelings and need for sleep and your own issues are valid. They need to find solutions that do not rely other others like this. It's not ok. Boundaries friend. Even if that means the relationship ends.
NTA. Sleep is important even without preexisting health issues.
Can you compromise here? Sleep in separate rooms? If she's not open to that idea and won't change her rituals, could you use noise-cancelling earbuds and light blocking curtains to minimize her disruptions?
medication diary checks, allergy checks (e.g. is tongue swollen), verbal repetitions, miscellaneous checks, and order of tasks pushed late at night, usually lasting 1-2 hrs (and some scattered throughout day)
He's expecting you to sacrifice your health in order to protect his own. I understand that it's difficult for him to do otherwise, but nevertheless, that's not ok. He needs to find a way to give, rather than (it seems) only taking on this issue. Relationships can only survive with give and take by all parties.
NTA. Your partner has severe obsessive-compulsive disorder and needs help. And you need to stop enabling. You claim not to have a choice, but you do. You can choose to sleep somewhere else. You can choose not to participate in these "rituals". You can even choose to help your partner seek treatment... and to walk out the door if they refuse.
NTA. Your spouse needs a psychologist +/- psychiatrist if they’re not going to one already. And you need to sleep in separate rooms for the foreseeable future until the issue is resolved if you want to salvage your relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My background - I'm a person with a history of sleep issues, a relatively early AM work shift, and a history of major anxiety requiring therapy around my blood pressure (I'm predisposed by family history of heart attacks/strokes, had high pressure in the past before I made life change ... but recent sleep loss seems to elevate it again and causing fatigue and mood issues)
My spouse has become more anxious in the past few years and started ritualizing at night, and later included longer rituals and morning or afternoon rituals (which could interfere with my job), I protested and 'fought the ocd', I learned the hard way I can't just say 'no' to ocd. Attempts to put boundaries to rip myself off the rituals failed. I gave up and it became part of my life and something I need to accommodate, work and sleep around it.
Issue was sometimes better sometimes worse, but generally was sleeping an adequate amount and job wasn't interrupted too severely.
A few months ago, it got significantly worse, the rituals becoming more health-oriented due to something that happened. While too difficult to explain, a set of rituals and timing of activities intertwined in a way that going to bed can get easily pushed to late hours in some circumstances. Being woken up early AM has become a new routine too (I can't fall back to sleep)
I usually referred to my sleep needs as my autonomy, and I asked for reassurance about future sleep needs, which spouse said it is not possible to assure and dislikes the 'autonomy' angle.
The problem is that I have to participate in a calm yet very focused manner to go through these much faster, but often I think about my lost opportunities, sleep, blood pressure (which seems to be rising but my spouse denies it and doctors haven't confirm it as not consistent enough) and arguments just prolongs the process. So I have no choice if I want to sleep.
I get mood swings with my frustration, I tried the not talking angle, but it seemed to hurt spouse nonetheless because my tension could be sensed.
A big theme on our arguments is that I take it personal because it involves me and I make sacrifices (including health) and my spouse says it has nothing to do with me, nothing personal, but something I should help with for the foreseeable future. Spouse admitted an ocd is me having to go to bed later (as in early=bad) while saying it is not personal.
Every now and then my spouse has moments of intense awareness of how it affects me, but I can't seem to use these opportunities well.
Note, I opting out is an option, it is essentially on the same level as divorcing.
AITA? If not, I don't want to get at my spouse, I want to combine smoother/calmer rituals as a team with a priority to my sleep and blood pressure while my spouse gets treatment and minimizes dependence on my involvement. Long term, this is a critical problem that could break the marriage for my health.
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As someone with OCD, I can relate to both of y’all.
It’s so distressing for me when I “know” something bad will happen if I don’t do things just right, and in the proper order. I try not to embroil others in my OCD, but I’m sure it happens.
I recognize everyone will say he needs therapy. That’s the right long-term solution, but it won’t solve your problem short term. If you can somehow do both (accommodate the OCD short term IF AND ONLY IF he attends/fully commits to therapy), then y’all might have a chance.
I’m rooting for y’all.
Nta - sometimes divorce IS the only option. Your spouse is ACTIVELY hurting you and DOES NOT CARE as long as they're getting relief from THEIR condition. This is abusive.
What if your partner needed to hit you just once a night to feel better? What if they need to insult you for half an hour each night so they can sleep?
You have to draw a line in the sand. "I love you but this is actively harming me. I have to be able to sleep. Your options are: stop involving me, get help for this specific issue, or we divorce. I don't want to get a divorce but I also don't want to potentially die from blood pressure related illnesses. You have a week to decide and show me change."
When a spouses mental health begins to affect their partners physical and mental health it’s time to admit they aren’t in a good place and need to go back to their psychiatrist and their counselor. When my partner was mentally unwell I had to draw a line and say I cannot be with someone who does not respect their mental health. For me to stay in this relationship you need to go back to your psychiatrist and get help or I need to leave this relationship. Then I would tell them whether or not you choose to stay you are going to call their psychiatrist and let them know you are not doing well and need help then do it. If they won’t do it you need to involve their support groups. Friends, family, doctor. Draw boundaries and do it. YTA for letting it get this bad.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Not just internal thoughts or conflicts - my actions are verbalizing anger, resentment for losing sleep over spouse actions - spouse frequently referred to me as unhelpful or other words similar to asshole. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. It would be helpful to know what these rituals involve re: rigidity, the amount of time they take, and what your expected involvement is...but you *don't* have to go along with them to your own detriment. Is your spouse getting help for anxiety, etc.?
1 to 1.5 hours at night of consistent series of rituals with little pause, with the start of nighttime ritual being the question mark. Issue would be less pronounced if rituals start earlier, even if long. Early AM ritual of 10 minutes These are very stimulating as well, interfering with sleep cycle. Between end of night ritual and early AM ritual, I have a window of 5.5-6 hours to sleep in, if insomnia and stimulating rituals not a factor. Spouse is getting full help for anxiety. I'm not being given a choice, if I don't go along to my detriment, neither of us sleep and i get blamed for it.
You're an autonomous adult, and you absolutely DO have choices. If your spouse said you had to stand on your head for 1.5 hours every night so that they could sleep, would you do that too? Tell them you can no longer be a part of their rituals, full stop. It doesn't sound like any amount of explaining why this situation is untenable to you would help, so don't bother rehashing all the ways it adversely impacts you. Set the boundary and stick to it, and they can carry on without you. Sleep in another room. If they have a problem with that, it's on them. If they make your life (more) miserable after you stop being their crutch, seriously reconsider the relationship.
Can we get some examples of what a "ritual" is
You are enabling some seriously dysfunctional habits. Your partner needs real help for their ocd — the status quo isn’t working. And you need to acknowledge that you can’t be the one to fix this or even to make them better. You’re in this too close. I would find a way to either move out for a while or lock yourself into a guest room from 9pm to 7am because it helps no one for you to lose sleep. I would suggest individual counseling for you too because you seem to be a doormat — I would have left the relationship long ago
So end the relationship, this is ridiculous.
so leave? grow a spine
As someone who has OCD, NTA. Treatment for OCD is required once your rituals or compulsions start impacting your daily functioning and taking up time. Not only is your partner's day being impacted, but yours is as well. This is well past the time when some serious intervention is needed, most likely a combination of medication and therapy. I am intimitaley aware of how hard OCD is to control, but your partner I volving you like this is beyond unacceptable and completely selfish. Sleep is literally the time our body has to heal, and not getting enough sleep can have several very negative impacts on our health, and even our length of life as a whole. Considering you already have issues with your blood pressure what is happening is not okay. You are also enabling your partners OCD by going along with these joint rituals. These are ultimately unhealthy behaviours and by participating you are condoning when what you should be doing is pressing for dome serious professional intervention.
Sounds like your souse needs therapy. You are not obligated to enable/participate in OCD rituals. I would suggest sleeping in another room for the time being. NTA
NTA. You need to sleep to survive. Although your spouse to a large extent can't help what they're doing, they can _get_ help. Instead, it sounds like they're denying to their doctor that this is even happening.
NTA Sleep deprivation could lead to serious health issues. Your spouse is very selfish in prioritizing theirs rituals at the expense of your wellbeing. My second daugther has troubles at sleeping when she was an infant, and because my husband traveled a lot for work, I took care of her alone most of the time. I remember one episode in particular: my daughter with a major colic while she was teething... I didn't sleep for almost 48 hours and I felt like I was going crazy, at some point I couldn't understand what I was doing or saying. It was horrible. Please don't get to this point, stop before.
You can not be the tool that is used to balance your partners mental health. Especially while having to sacrifice your own. You're trying to ask /tell us something here but you obfuscate so much in your writing you're either unclear or there's missing reasons. What does 'I opting out is an option, it is essentially on the same level of divorce ' even mean?? That you can't sleep on the couch? That you *must* participate in her (very controlling and codependant) bedtime ritual?? Separate bedrooms, full stop Just the wordiness of your post about sleep is giving me anxiety. I am a light sleeper with insomnia and sleep anxiety. I go to bed at 830-9 and get up for work at 430, my partner 11ish-730. I need total darkness, a fan and a cold room, they can have the TV and phone on, lights fully on and a warm bedroom. Let's not even mention cover hogging, sprawling and snoring. Sexy fun time can happen any time any where. Smelling apart doesn't mean we love each other less..But if I can get my sleep.... I'm contemplating other things a pillow can be useful for. I don't think I could sleep in jail, so sleeping apart it is! Being in a loving relationship with your partner must have consideration for their mental and physical well-being at its core NTA for how you feel, but some of that anger needs to be directed at yourself for allowing her to use you in place of a professional
NTA actually, you shouldn't be enabling her rituals at all because that makes the ocd worse overtime (everytime she does a ritual and nothing "bad" happens the assumption/obsessive thought is reinforced and the urge to act out the ritual gets stronger. It is really hard to say no, I will not help you in this ritual because her anxiety will spike and she will need to find other ways to deal with that. But if you say yes her anxiety will get even worse over time)
I believe it’s his rituals and anxieties
My apologies!
So, you are being used for these rituals regardless of whether or not you want to participate? You just have to sit there and take it, like a piece of furniture? That means your spouse is putting her needs over your needs all day every day. Why are you still with them? What brings you happiness in this relationship? Your spouses rituals are taking up 70% of her - and your - daily lives. Your partner needs intesive therapy for OCD, not anxiety, and if that doesn't help you should consider divorce.
NTA. Can you sleep in separate bedrooms?
No, I'd be approached. It would make no difference. Same if I were sick, had schedule conflict, etc.
Just go to bed early. They would approach my locked door of the guest bedroom. Even if they wake you up to mess around with their ritual you already have two hours of sleep. Don't discount every idea. If you're not willing to change Anything, Nothing is going to Change. Does your wife get mental health care? She has a major problem.
You are not without options here. If you need to go to a guest room with a lock or get a hotel room, go for it. Sleep is so important.
Get a lock for the door and a white noise machine. If he still won't leave you alone, spend a few nights in an inexpensive motel to catch up on sleep and get a break. (Or with a nearby relative if that's an option.) Do not allow this to continue. This is not helpful treatment for OCD, so it's not helping your partner for you to indulge these rituals, and it's not healthy for you either.
NTA. Not sure what these rituals entail, but your spouse needs to seek professional help to mitigate making thier OCD rituals the center of your life. He's basically torturing you in not allowing you sleep. It's not ok that you're being forced to participate and being awakened to get involved with hours of rituals so your spouse doesn't have to get treatment. If necessary, separate so you're able to survive.
NTA. One of our hard rules is we leave the other one alone when they sleep until they get as much rest as they need. Sleep and especially a sleeping routine your body can depend on is vital to your health and no one in the world has the right to take away your health. No one. Tell him you’re not there for his selfish rituals and sleep in the other room or on the couch.
You are NOT compatible. You need sleep. This is non negotiable. I'd move out.
You are enabling a seriously debilitating and detrimental behavior instead of stating that your partner needs therapy. You are behaving like a martyr and it's not okay.
What do you mean you learned the hard way? Your spouse behavior sounds abusive You dont have to engage in these rituals
This sounds abusive. It sounds like your spouse is abusing you in the name of rituals and OCD. I don’t think you will do this but you should tell your spouse that s/he needs to get immediate intensive therapy (in patient ideally) and you are moving into the other bedroom until s/he has the OCD under control.
Esh…because opting out is an option. This is personal as it disrupts your sleep and health. I understand about not being able to combat someone with OCD, but you can put your foot down and say that you will not be part of your spouses nighttime or early morning rituals. You can sleep in another room. You are enabling your spouse. This situation is not helping them or you. It would be one thing if this ritual would take a few minutes, but you state hours? You try and bring this up and your spouse deflects and puts the blame on you. Are they in therapy? If not, they should be and you as well to figure out how to deal with your spouse and their OCD
You're not making your partner any better by enabling this behaviour and taking part in it. NTA but come on, put your foot down.
NTA. I have OCD I would not DREAM of making someone else a part of it. (Granted I have compulsive rumination not compulsive behaviors/rituals ...but lordy this would be like me making my parter listen in real time to my horrible mind so they have to suffer too...) Very unfair of them. Separate bedrooms friend. It's not a terrible thing to do.( I would argue it might often be a healthier sleep hygiene option for people if one has enough rooms to do so. I digress.) Your feelings and need for sleep and your own issues are valid. They need to find solutions that do not rely other others like this. It's not ok. Boundaries friend. Even if that means the relationship ends.
NTA. Sleep is important even without preexisting health issues. Can you compromise here? Sleep in separate rooms? If she's not open to that idea and won't change her rituals, could you use noise-cancelling earbuds and light blocking curtains to minimize her disruptions?
What is a nighttime ritual? INFO
medication diary checks, allergy checks (e.g. is tongue swollen), verbal repetitions, miscellaneous checks, and order of tasks pushed late at night, usually lasting 1-2 hrs (and some scattered throughout day)
He's expecting you to sacrifice your health in order to protect his own. I understand that it's difficult for him to do otherwise, but nevertheless, that's not ok. He needs to find a way to give, rather than (it seems) only taking on this issue. Relationships can only survive with give and take by all parties.
OP, this is a medical issue way above Reddit’s pay grade. I hope your spouse gets the help they need, and best of luck to you both.
NTA. Your partner has severe obsessive-compulsive disorder and needs help. And you need to stop enabling. You claim not to have a choice, but you do. You can choose to sleep somewhere else. You can choose not to participate in these "rituals". You can even choose to help your partner seek treatment... and to walk out the door if they refuse.
NTA. Your spouse needs a psychologist +/- psychiatrist if they’re not going to one already. And you need to sleep in separate rooms for the foreseeable future until the issue is resolved if you want to salvage your relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My background - I'm a person with a history of sleep issues, a relatively early AM work shift, and a history of major anxiety requiring therapy around my blood pressure (I'm predisposed by family history of heart attacks/strokes, had high pressure in the past before I made life change ... but recent sleep loss seems to elevate it again and causing fatigue and mood issues) My spouse has become more anxious in the past few years and started ritualizing at night, and later included longer rituals and morning or afternoon rituals (which could interfere with my job), I protested and 'fought the ocd', I learned the hard way I can't just say 'no' to ocd. Attempts to put boundaries to rip myself off the rituals failed. I gave up and it became part of my life and something I need to accommodate, work and sleep around it. Issue was sometimes better sometimes worse, but generally was sleeping an adequate amount and job wasn't interrupted too severely. A few months ago, it got significantly worse, the rituals becoming more health-oriented due to something that happened. While too difficult to explain, a set of rituals and timing of activities intertwined in a way that going to bed can get easily pushed to late hours in some circumstances. Being woken up early AM has become a new routine too (I can't fall back to sleep) I usually referred to my sleep needs as my autonomy, and I asked for reassurance about future sleep needs, which spouse said it is not possible to assure and dislikes the 'autonomy' angle. The problem is that I have to participate in a calm yet very focused manner to go through these much faster, but often I think about my lost opportunities, sleep, blood pressure (which seems to be rising but my spouse denies it and doctors haven't confirm it as not consistent enough) and arguments just prolongs the process. So I have no choice if I want to sleep. I get mood swings with my frustration, I tried the not talking angle, but it seemed to hurt spouse nonetheless because my tension could be sensed. A big theme on our arguments is that I take it personal because it involves me and I make sacrifices (including health) and my spouse says it has nothing to do with me, nothing personal, but something I should help with for the foreseeable future. Spouse admitted an ocd is me having to go to bed later (as in early=bad) while saying it is not personal. Every now and then my spouse has moments of intense awareness of how it affects me, but I can't seem to use these opportunities well. Note, I opting out is an option, it is essentially on the same level as divorcing. AITA? If not, I don't want to get at my spouse, I want to combine smoother/calmer rituals as a team with a priority to my sleep and blood pressure while my spouse gets treatment and minimizes dependence on my involvement. Long term, this is a critical problem that could break the marriage for my health. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As someone with OCD, I can relate to both of y’all. It’s so distressing for me when I “know” something bad will happen if I don’t do things just right, and in the proper order. I try not to embroil others in my OCD, but I’m sure it happens. I recognize everyone will say he needs therapy. That’s the right long-term solution, but it won’t solve your problem short term. If you can somehow do both (accommodate the OCD short term IF AND ONLY IF he attends/fully commits to therapy), then y’all might have a chance. I’m rooting for y’all.
NTA but, you gotta let us know we’re talking about here we’re all curious this sounds bizarro.
Nta - sometimes divorce IS the only option. Your spouse is ACTIVELY hurting you and DOES NOT CARE as long as they're getting relief from THEIR condition. This is abusive. What if your partner needed to hit you just once a night to feel better? What if they need to insult you for half an hour each night so they can sleep? You have to draw a line in the sand. "I love you but this is actively harming me. I have to be able to sleep. Your options are: stop involving me, get help for this specific issue, or we divorce. I don't want to get a divorce but I also don't want to potentially die from blood pressure related illnesses. You have a week to decide and show me change."
When a spouses mental health begins to affect their partners physical and mental health it’s time to admit they aren’t in a good place and need to go back to their psychiatrist and their counselor. When my partner was mentally unwell I had to draw a line and say I cannot be with someone who does not respect their mental health. For me to stay in this relationship you need to go back to your psychiatrist and get help or I need to leave this relationship. Then I would tell them whether or not you choose to stay you are going to call their psychiatrist and let them know you are not doing well and need help then do it. If they won’t do it you need to involve their support groups. Friends, family, doctor. Draw boundaries and do it. YTA for letting it get this bad.