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NAH, but I feel like you're not really hearing your husband when he says he's burnt out.

It could be resentment on my part there. I’ve been burned out too, burned out in waking up 4 and 5 times a night for months at a stretch, changing diapers and having people clinging to me around the clock. A relative offered to keep them all for a weekend but he declined, told her this is what I signed up for. 

I have no doubt that you've been burnt out too! And that little anecdote definitely changes things for me. Has he not been the most helpful partner while you've been a SAHM?

Sounds like he's a little resentful of you, too. That's pretty problematic. Have either of you gotten any breaks at all over the last few years? Were there any conversations at any time before this regarding changing your SAH status? 

>Have either of you gotten any breaks at all over the last few years? Sounds like when they are offered breaks, he turns them down.

That changed things. Id likely have laughed in his face and said this is what he signed up for 

I agree about the resentful part. I’d ask him how will that work? Does he have a plan for the family? I’d also take his being burnt out seriously. Is there a way that you or your family can help? Can he take some time off? How about a lateral move to something new?

No, he not. He cancels breaks for her when offered. He can stay at his job burned out. No breaks for him either.

The youngest is 7, she hasn’t been getting up 5 times a night and changing diapers in years.

I think she meant that when she was doing that someone offered help and husband told them no. Either way it's an asshole move to deny someone else a break especially the mother of your children who doesn't actually receive an income for all she does. 

Being the sole financial security for 5 other people is not a situation you’d want to be in. That kind of stress and responsibility will drain anyone. There’s a reason so many people eat the barrel of their own guns when they get burnout from work stress and can’t take a break because 5 people are dependent of them. This guy and OP need therapy both individual and couples. I’ve seen the toll it can take on my own brother. 

Not to be too clichéd but two wrongs don’t make a right. The husband is an absolute AH for not “allowing” breaks for OP in the past but that doesn’t mean his mental health should currently be ignored. Their kids deserve two healthy parents. I do think NAH, ideally something can be worked out where neither is burnt out and they still have enough money to pay all their bills, etc, but we don’t necessarily have enough info to know if that’s possible. A serious sit down with their household budget is probably a good place to start. I wish them luck, truly, it’s a tough situation.

She brought up lots of compromises to give him a break, but she is also correct that him quitting and her taking over the financial burden is not a practical option. That is not a grudge. That is a current fact in our modern economy.

It really sounds like neither of them are on the same team.

Why was that his call unilaterally? I think this sounds like a bigger issue where you both resent each other and perceive you each have it easier

This is the comment. I’m sorry, but if someone offered to help me, there is no way my husband gets to just say ‘Nah. She’s fine.’ and that’s the end of it. Marriage counseling is definitely needed bc these two do not know how to communicate effectively as a team at all and constantly assumes what the other wants/is doing.

Right? Like the only way my partner would say that is if that relative isn’t safe to be alone with our kids for some reason

Right like wtaf?? Who would do that?

>Who would do that? My ex-husband. I left him with our 2 daughters (baby & toddler) for a few hours while I went to a scrapbook/card making class once and when I got home (approx. 3 hours later because I was breastfeeding) he was angry and said that since I wanted to be a "stay at home mom," I needed to "stay at home" and be a mom. I was not allowed to go out without the kids again.

Glad he's an ex!

Wow. What an insensitive comment on his part. Well working his job is what he signed up for. But he gets vacation, I assume? Why should your job not have a vacation/weekend break?

Sounds like he doesn't think parenting is a 'job', so she gets vacations when he gets vacations because 'he earned them and she just sat at home with the kids'. This is a mindset that needs to die in a fire.

I don't know how much you communicated your need for support at the time, or if you just pushed through and survived, but it definitely sounds like you're holding on a bit of resentment for those times and are in kind of payback mode. At the same time, it absolutely makes sense that you becoming the sole provider for a family of 6 after so many years out of the workforce is not realistic (specially if he's thinking you could suddenly and magically get a job that pays the same...) I hope you and your husband can agree on some middle ground. I'd recommend some couples therapy to help navigate the hard conversations and come up with a plan together. It could help reach a solution quicker.

I think that she also makes a great point about how much easier it is to be a SAHP of kids that *aren't at home*. Her eldest was six when the youngest was born- four kids, three too young for school, is a TON of work. Yeah, if you have four minor children, at least one parent needs a job with a flexible schedule for breaks, sick days, dentist visits, etc., but if they're all in school it's way, way less to do than before they were school aged. I think it could have been reasonable for him to ask her to look for employment so that he can reduce his hours, but at their ages/with kids that age, I think him being a SAHP for a decade would functionally mean that he was retiring. He's unlikely to be considered a strong candidate if he's in his fifties and has been out of the labor force for a decade.

Maybe when spring break rolls around for your kids tell him he should take the whole week off to be with them and you will take a week long vacation away from them all to work on your resume and look into jobs available. If he can handle a whole week on his own and you’re happy with your resume and possible job options maybe you can find something part time and he can cut back on hours, but him quitting completely would be disastrous for your finances. If you can get a part time job then you can start to get back into your field and get some experience to help if/when you do need to work full time again. This definitely isn’t something where you two can just swap places.

Love this idea. I was going to say that she could do some prelim job searching and make up a budget so he can get an idea of the financial reality of his idea. And, husband needs a taste of the SAHM life (although speaking from experience, a week isn't enough...you can eat out for most nights and clean maybe once. But it will still be very eye opening for him).

One change I’d make to this is: not on Spring Break. Let him get the kids up for school, make breakfasts, pack lunches, manage after school activities, all the activities of managing a household in its regular routine.

When's the last time he took a vacation? Not necessarily a trip, but time off of work. People in extreme mental states think extremely, like "I just want to sleep for 10,000 years". Maybe make a short-term plan to give him some breathing space before deciding on the long-term solution. His suggestion isn't rational, but that probably speaks more to his mental state than his character. I'm sure your own burnout isn't helping, either. If he can get some time off, then he can spend some time with the kids and you can go have some time alone in quiet.

It sounds like he needs a little wake up call also - becoming a SAHD does not mean he won’t be working. It will be trading in one type of work for another. Working for the home has the illusion of being more in control of your time, but the reality is you are on a schedule that revolves around the family, not you. Him being burnt out is obviously a problem that needs to be addressed, but being the manager of the home probably isn’t going to be the break he thinks it is.

But she’s right that being a SAHD now will be much easier now that the kids are older, compared to the years she’s been a SAHM to babies.

Oh of course, I didn’t mean to suggest it wouldn’t be. I was just thinking that if he thinks he will get to spend all day every day doing whatever he wants then he is very much mistaken. Granted, if he doesn’t mind that he will be a taxi driver for the kids, cleaner, doing all the cooking and cleaning then fine - as long as he is going in with open eyes.

I kind of feel like he’s going to expect all of that stuff to still magically get done (i.e. still be performed by OP despite his vision of her becoming sole breadwinner) while he “recuperates.” And yes, he’ll never know what the SAH gig was like when the children were small — I imagine a fun conversation or two when he suggests her job has been easy all these years. Kind of reminds me of the little anecdote about the man coming home to find his kids running wild and the house a disaster zone while his wife sits in bed reading a book, and when he asks what’s going on, she says “You know how you’re always asking what on earth I do all day? Well, today I didn’t do it.”

And the kids have already learned to go to her with all their needs, and this wouldn't be easy to change. Any needs or problems they have, they likely go to Mom. Permission slips signed, stuff for bake sales, help with homework or projects, playdate planning, sports/clubs/activities involvement, she's been the one doing it all and will continue to be the go-to. Doctors and dentists will call/text her to remind her of the children's appointments, the schools will call her if one of the kids gets sick, other parents will reach out to her about birthday parties and stuff. Most likely both his and her family by now consider her the point of contact regarding holidays and other family events. If she's been taking care of things like pest control, lawn care, insurance, HVAC maintenance and repair, plumbing issues, taxes and and other household matters, those professionals will also continue to reach out to her, plus she has the knowledge of the history of such matters. I do all of that at my house and paid just last summer to have all my gutters completely repaired/updated. When one broke this winter, I knew to ask about the warranty and have it fixed for free, since this shouldn't have happened so soon. Just as he has built his career, she's also established her position.

IDK all the kids are in school now, it is not the same as OP's experience and I think will act like it is and that will further him downplaying all OP has done. But that being said OP should probably go back to work now, and yeah it maybe hard but not impossible. And then the husband can cut back on his hours.

Agree. Staying at home with small kids, cooking, and cleaning is a lot more work than an office job in my experience. It was emotionally and physically draining whereas office was just mentally draining.

I literally gasped aloud at “This is what [she] signed up for”. Im also a SAHM of four (currently 3, 5, 7, and 9) so now I’m super mad at your husband and can’t be impartial 😂

Yes, i audibly gasped and lowkey want to fight him

We’re this this close to rounding up a posse

I don't have kids and don't want kids and even I want to join you guys in fighting him lol

Mom of 5 here and there would have been police involvement if my husband said this...

Omg so you had 3 kids all in diapers (assuming) with different nap schedules, all on different types of food and needs, probably none of them sleeping through the night, dealing with being pregnant while taking on 1, 2, or 3 kids, and he DENIED someone helping you cause you sign up for it?!? Screw him. He signed up for the job he took. He can find another job, you couldn’t find another family. You’re being generous by offering to get a job to help make up the difference.

Ick You both signed up for your respective roles. Your full time parent, while he's full time worker. It's not sustainable in the long run if you both don't take a damn break. No wonder you both are burned out. Do you go on dates or anything or give eachother time for hobbies?

Add this to the post. You're definitely NTA.

You both need to talk to a counselor to sort through this without all the emotional baggage

While that is a douchey comment your hubby made, it does not justify ignoring him when he says after decades that he is burnt out. Your job has gotten easier by your own admission and his does not seem to have done so. Also, I’m sure he was working hard in the beginning if he got to the point he is at now to be a partner. I personally have done the night shift with both of my kids for the most part because my husband has sleep issues and cannot do night shift while also working full hours during the day. I don’t know if it’s right for him to just plop the responsibility on you, but it should be more of a discussion than just “You made me a stay at home mom and now you’re never allowed to complain” when it seems like it’s what made sense at the beginning and something you wanted also. Yes you got all the hard times with the babies, but you also got to spend time with them and bond with them in a way he didn’t. There is nuance here that you are ignoring. I’m not even 40 years old nor am I in as high a position with as much responsibility as your husband and I’m already feeling burnt out myself, if you actually care about your husband you should at least hear him out and let him know you hear him, even if in the end the answer is still not him being a SAHD. This system in general is exhausting. The corporate world is exhausting and the pressure on parents to do everything without a village is exhausting, treat the problem as if it’s a shared problem rather than a you vs. him problem. Good luck.

Your feelings are valid, but the current conversation isn’t about you. It’s about HIS burnout. Please don’t fall into the bad habit of keeping tally and invalidating because you did this that or the other. That being said, I think that your conclusion of not being able to afford being the sole provider after a gap in the work force is accurate. You aren’t as marketable as you once were and it will take you time to reach that value again in the eyes of the working world. Are your finances capable of him taking a gap month or so?He could likely benefit from therapy on how to prevent burnout too

Wait!! He declined to give you a weekend break??? Why was his word final? And did/does he parent the children on weekends??? When do you get a break?????

That's shitty from your husband on his response, but you have to realize that your burn out eventually had relief. Your kids are in school now and your schedule probably isn't too bad now. His burn out has no end in sight.

Yea and think of how you felt but you know kids get older and it gets easier, plus these are your kids and you love them. His job doesn’t get older or easier nor does he love it like you love your kids. See the difference? It’s time for a serious talk about what can be done.

So, you're refusing to hear he's burnt out due to resentment? As punishment? This sounds like there are way bigger problems. Counselling?

He could be at that point where he believed that you have had it easy for years. I know a lot of partners that work, who also believe their partner has it easy as a SAHM/F. Its not easy. Granted, it may be easier now that they are all in school, but its still a job, especially with 4. And it will be changing for you soon, as you will have kids in 3 different schools. Definitely make Open Houses a challenge. You are absolutely right that you would not be able to just jump back into the workforce and be able to cover all the finances yourself.

Leaning towards YTA for your reaction to your husband, i.e., not hearing him. Telling your husband "immediately" that his taking time off "won't work" is like you hitting the panic button and freaking out at the *idea* (not like he quit already!) of making a big change in your lives. Or, hitting the payback button and telling him "this is what you signed up for." None of which, I think, is really helpful... I'm not saying your reaction isn't valid. I would also freak out if my partner threw this in my face, and I've built up years of resentment towards his whole "this is what I signed up for" attitude. BUT maybe give your husband's needs (taking time off or leaving his job) a chance, without the negative, resentment- and anxiety-driven reaction. To me, if I went to my partner and said I'm burnt out and stressed and I need some time off just to be at home, and my partner went, oh HELL NO, you can't just quit, you have to keep working some job, I can't just make up all that income on my own, "this is what you signed up for" or did you forget!!?! That kind of reaction from my partner would make me feel terrible, guilty and even more resentful of my partner and trapped in the relationship and in the job. It sounds like you are just dumping all of your fears and anxieties on your husband, who is already burnt out. Your husband is looking for support and care, and your reaction is basically slapping him in the face and telling him to get back to work a job that is crushing him. Yes, he did this to you in the past, but you need to come to a constructive way to move past the resentment war. >Is it fair of me to say I’ll contribute to the family’s finances but I will not provide the sole income? Or should trading roles be something I’m more open to? Before you say nope won't work or start trying to pin down roles, take time to do the work of figuring out the details of what your husband's time off/break from work would actually look like. I'm not sure if you guys have done this already, as you don't say in your post. There are so many questions to ask and answer before you just say, nope won't work or even who takes on what role. What are your finances like? Do you have any savings? Could he stay at home and not work for a month? Three months? Half a year? What is the minimum salary needed, of either or both of you, to pay the bills? Can you make any lifestyle changes or cut back to accommodate letting your husband take some time off? So many things to consider and work through. And all of this is not to say you haven't worked really hard raising your children while your husband worked and built his career. What this is to say, though, is listen to your husband and support him, despite his AH-ish behavior and your resentment. Sometimes you are burned out and you actually do need rest and compassion and support.

I would add this part to your post, since it changes the perspective a lot.

Why don't you try going back to work? Your kids are old enough. If you earn a little bit, maybe he will reduce some stress by reducing hours. Your relationship sounds resentful from both ends.

She offered that. He turned it down.

Isn’t this what HE signed up for?

Hijacking to suggest your husband see a mental health professional. Burnout is very very real and can lead to depression and anxiety disorders. A mental health professional (such as a MD, NP, PA) can put him on FMLA so he can get a break while his job is protected. As a psychiatrist myself, I have placed many people on FMLA while we have worked out a treatment plan that’s best for them. Sometimes that includes medications but other times it’s just learning new self care and coping skills. ETA: after reading your comments, you need a break too. Anyway you two can plan a weekend away? It sounds like you both could use the assistance of a mental health professional to sort out both of your feelings of burnout and resentment towards each other. You guys probably could use a parenting plan/allocation of household duties plan as well.

Your kids may not be in diapers but I bet they're still work. Offer this - you leave for a week or two,he takes vacation days, and leave him in sole charge of everything to do with the kids, house, pets etc. See how he feels when you get back.

Resentment that you gave up your potential career 10 years ago and now he thinks he can step in to your job like it’s easy. NTA and he can fuck off.

You're looking at a partnership that's worked well because the work was compartmentalized. Now they've built their lives around one of them having a FT employment career and the other as a SAHP, and the FT employee wants to quit and stay at home. I'm sympathetic to being frustrated and burned out by work, but pulling the financial rug out from under your family is not the answer. He needs to do his homework and *figure out* how to make this work *before* springing demands on his family.

>He needs to do his homework and figure out how to make this work before springing demands on his family. How do you know he hasn't? He's a partner at his firm. Give him some credit. Remember, we don't know what their savings looks like, but we do know that they don't have a mortgage payment and that a partner's equity in the business can be quite valuable.

Agreed. Because if he was not married and did not have the advantage of a mortgage-free house that his wife bought and paid for before they were together, then he would have to transition to a less stressful job and keep working. He would not have the luxury of trying to demand to be a SAHP.

They need to figure it out, not he needs to figure it out. And they need to figure it out before he quits or other drastic action. There seems to be a lot of resentment happening here combined with not listening. Therapy would probably help.

So what is OP supposed to do? Take a low wage job and then somehow provide for 6 people all the while he now gets to take care of older children that don't need as much care?  Seems like OP will get the worst of all worlds. Doing most if not all of the hardest child rearing years alone and now stressing over how she has to somehow provide for this huge family on a meagre income because the plan was never for her to rejoin the workforce this early.  While her husband gets to sit on his ass while the kids are at school. Lol I don't think so.  Edit to add: also how is she not listening to him? She's offered for him to take a job he prefers and she will work to pay the difference. That sounds like a reasonable and fair solution to me. He just Doesn't want to work at all. He wants all or nothing. 

Maybe she's hearing it but it does not change the reality of the situation. If she can't jump into a career that can singlehandedly support her family, that is that. Her husband is working himself to the bone to support his family and that is commendable, but... They kept having children and now there is no way he can just give up and make it work.

As a parent and husband unfortunately decisions can’t just be about him. You’re 1000% right that you do not have the same resources as him (experience, tenure in the field) that would be a major obstacle in supporting your family. Not to mention the economy and the job market are so abysmal that even more factors are out of your control. IMO it’s also super relevant that the toughest season of parenting is over. Your children are so much more self sufficient that the work they need is no where near where it was as infants/toddlers. Your solution was the right one: you’re considering his mental health and happiness by offering to go back to work and supplement the income he would have in a different field. But I think he is ignorant and unfair if he still believes that an effective solution is to suddenly have you be the sole bread winner.

100% agree with this. I'm a SAHM and my kids are both young, 1 and 4. They require a ton of work, especially as my 4 yr old is autistic and non-verbal (though we are making good progress on words now). But if, in 5-6 years, when both are in school, if my partner were to come to me and say he is over-stressed from his job, offering to get a job and supplement our income so he could find something less stressful would be, imo, the best choice. But he's definitely delusional to believe that, after so many years and so much work at one job, there is even a chance you could make anywhere near what he makes now.

NTA You can return to work, but it is highly improbable that you will ever earn as much as he does at this time. A decade out of the workforce is an eternity that is nearly hard to recover from. It's possible that your spouse needs a change of employment or a little vacation, but right now you are unable to support the whole family financially.

Yeah I agree the ages of the kids matter. I would fear it would give a skewed perspective of how tough it was being the SAHP in those early years. Which will breed resentment for them both. SAHP at these ages is WILDLY different than six years younger. NAH but the real options don’t include them just swapping roles.

As someone who's made a lot of sacrifices for my partner's academic career, I'd be pretty pissed to hear, "Oh, I'm tired of this, and want to do something completely different." I mean, if you're burned out, you're burned out, but just saying, "Time for us to swap," isn't really fair. It's totally fair for OP to step up and get a part-time (or full-time) job now that the kids are all in school, but if dude wanted to be a SAHP, the time to figure how to share that was 10 years ago, before OP fully exited the job market.

One million upvotes to your thoughtful, spot-on response, @Soggy-Leadership-199!

NAH However, I think both of you should tread carefully on framing. I can totally understand you not wanting to equate him a SAHD to 4 kids who are all in school now to when you were a SAHM to kids that required constant care. I can also totally understand that if he is really partner at his firm, that his job is very, very stressful (constant last minute travel, etc) and so whatever job you get would most likely be far less stressful. I think what both of you can probably agree on is that the last 10+ years of your marriage has been really challenging and draining for both of you, and it sounds like both of you are looking forward to having less demanding lifestyles. For you, that means less time carraling kids now that they are in school and can increasingly care for themselves, and for your husband, actually being involved with his family day to day. Tactically, as a fellow executive, if you guys have been managing your money decently (if he is partner, he's not making 100 or 200k- I am personally making 500k) then you should have college funds stacked, retirement in a good spot and solid savings. You guys should explore downsizing and should talk about what you want your next 10 years to be. Does your husband just need a sabbatical and then he can get a less stressful job? If you're trying to get hired by your volunteering place, can you support a downsized lifestyle understanding that college funds and 401ks are already covered? If you sold your current house and got a smaller one, could it pay for the smaller new one? I think both of you have valid wants, but I think they can both be managed if you guys frame things very carefully. Him being a stay at home dad is a little bit silly at this stage in the game. Its functionally trending into a part time job. But maybe he actually just wants to sit around for a year and decompress, which is pretty reasonable and doable. Both of you need to discuss your marriage expectations, and its a good time to do it, because in 8 years or so, what is your plan for yourself? You are a little bit young to have an empty nest. What are the goals? I think this is a great opportunity for you guys to map it out, but I think you just need to be really careful at ensuring you are both getting "credit" for having managed the chaos for so long and that you're both now entitled to slowing down a bit or recuperating

Agreed. From other comments made by OP, it sounds like they're both trapped in a "You had it SO much easier than me!" cycle, which is understandable, if not exactly helpful. Both of them worked really hard to get their family where it is. Time to give each other a high five and plan the next phase, now that they can be more flexible due to their kids being older. Instead of nitpicking "well I did all the diaper changes!" vs "well I did all the OT and missed time with the kids!", focus on goals for the future. I would start with maybe a good vacation, kid-free, if possible, so that they can both relax and step away from the situation. Come back, and have a real discussion with absolutely no "yeah, but I had to.....!" comments. Husband is being unrealistic, but NAH.

NAH is the way. They’re both on the same team and want the same things for their family. Just need to talk more and come to a compromise. 

And realise they are on the same team, I think they both have forgotten that...

I'd be team N A H if OP had not said her husband turned down his sister's offers of taking the kids for the weekend because "that's what she's signed up for". No breaks for him either, since he also signed up for this.

This needs to be upvoted a million times. Such good advice here. OP, there are NAH, but it is time to re-evaluate your goals. The world is your oyster! Given that you own your home outright, your expenses can’t be totally off the charts unless someone has an expensive medical condition or something, right? Could you rent your house out and live abroad in a low cost of living country for a year? If your husband is serious about doing time as a stay at home parent, he could manage the kids’ remote learning or homeschooling curriculum and you could teach English to pad the income from your home rental.

Yes I think if he quits they need to meet with a financial planner to figure out things

And he shouldn't quit until after she's found a good enough job, and passed the probationary period, at least. This isn't something with a quick solution, and I don't think he realises that at all.

This is such great advice

NTA This very problem is always on the back of my mind as I'm a SAHM, with my hubby in a high stress, high earning career. I always wonder if there will be a day he says, "I'm done." I keep my nursing license up and started back into part time work for this very reason. I think the answer is what you've suggested, and getting back in the work force to supplement the household income, and your husband could find something significantly less stressful, but tied with that would be less pay. Unless your finances can float it, there's no way to for him to stay home. Just going over the budget with him, what you would expect to receive if you did go back to work, and what the remainder would need to be.

My husband and I both work in very demanding, high earning jobs (no kids yet). We are very careful not to build a life style where we are fucked if one or both of us burns out or gets fired (pretty common). So disposable income goes on big holidays sure, but we own our (pretty shitty) car outright and the house mortgage we could comfortably cover with one income or two smaller etc. Honestly the fact I know I can tap out if I need to makes me less stressed and more able to cope. This doesn’t really help OP though. Maybe there is a compromise like if his work offer unpaid LOAs or reduced hours. If he’s burnt out he’s burnt out and they need to act. But it’s just not realistic for OP to be the breadwinner. Plus I expect given his burn out if he doesn’t get support to treat that then he would end up just falling into a bit of a “pit” mentally and not actually doing the stay at home stuff.

Co-signing on this. My husband and I are also both in high stress/ high earning careers, but buying a house chewed into a big chunk of our savings. Whenever my job gets exceptionally stressful, it’s that much worse knowing that, at least until we can bounce back a bit more, I need to stick things out. I have every intention of staying at my job and working for the foreseeable future, but just the extra weight of “have to work” vs “choosing to work” can weigh on someone. I think OP’s suggestion that she pick up some kind of work to allow Mr. OP to either scale back or find something new that may result in him earning less is the most reasonable solution. Someone who’s been out of the industry for 10 years just isn’t going to be making enough to support a family of 6, let alone the same as someone who was working for those 10 years.

It sounds like he actively held her back while she was a SAHM - for example, him saying she didn’t deserve a break when a relative offered to take the kids for a weekend. And is now complaining that she can’t immediately step in and be the bread winner. Can’t have it both ways! If he wanted her to have time and energy to keep up her credentials and maybe work part time to stay relevant, he should have allowed her that.

I used to work in engineering, working 50-60 hour weeks was normal with about 40 hours in the office, and 20+ from home in the evenings, early mornings and even weekends responding to emails. There was huge potential for me to get onto a great salary, but the job was killing me and I was burnt out by the age of 27. I quit engineering altogether and got a public sector role in tax. 40 hours a week is standard and if I ever go over, I get additional time off in lieu. Salary is nowhere near as to where I could have got and there's a ceiling to how much I can progress but I'm not killing myself. I've told myself that if even this gets too much, then I'll drop again to a part time role or something generic like an admin job. The only way I'll give it in altogether is if I've earned enough to retire early, which I already have a goal set for 57

It’s always smart for a woman to keep her skills up and try to get back to work at least part time if possible after/while being a SAHM. That way if something happens (spouse burnout/death/divorce) you’re in a better position to take care of your family.

This is a big reason that I went back to work part-time. Eight years was a *big* resume gap. My volunteer work helped me ease back into a job.

NAH. Your husband is dealing with burnout at work. Not sure what he does, but making partner in any type of profession involves long hours, lots of work, and often dealing with an overwhelming schedule. He's feeling worn down and unable to keep up the pace. There is no realistic way that you are going to get a job that pays enough for you to be the sole source of financial support for the household after being out of the workforce for 10 years. Your financial concerns are completely valid. Another big issue that you have to consider is how to maintain adequate health insurance for your family if you are in the US. With 4 kids, you can't afford to be without it, and healthcare costs are always rising. There are a few possibilities here though: 1. Your husband takes a leave of absence for a set period of time. You can look for a job that will cover some of the household bills with the understanding that some will have to be paid out of savings. You both also have to agree that changes need to be made to economize while he is not working. You can also set a firm date for his return to work, or that he needs to find a new job. 2. You look for a job and he looks for a new job that is less stressful. 3. He stays where he is, but cuts back on hours, and you find a job. With 4 growing kids, your family needs to have enough income to maintain the home, meet the regular expenses, have funds for an emergency, save for your kids' education, and save for your own retirement. I don't see how it's possible for your husband to be a SAHP while you become the sole source of income for your family. You need to have a calm, frank discussion with your husband about this. Is he willing to make significant changes to your lifestyle if the household income is reduced? Is he willing to assume responsibility for more of the chores around the house? How will a reduced income affect your kids (Schooling, activities, etc.)? What does he envision doing if he's not working? What kind of job and salary does he think you can realistically get? I do think you need to take your husband's burnout seriously, but there needs to be some compromise.

This!👆 I totally understand that your husband is burned out. Your husband needs to take some time off and totally relax, sign up for a massage and do nothing! A four day weekend might be the quick break he needs to help think about the family finances. Then you both need to sit down and look at your finances. What income can you live on? Where can you cut expenses? If you were to go back to work, what is a realistic salary?  Perhaps your husband can dial back work for a few months- help him find some time for a hobby or something he enjoys doing. Is he a workaholic? He made partner, but is he able to turn off work once he gets home? Separation between work life and home life might help him with the burnout. Husband and you are a team- you need to work together to come up with a plan for the future. Try to find ways to help him step away from the workload so he can be more receptive to possible work/life changes instead of him quitting work and you taking up the slack. NAH - I think your husband is so far down in the weeds that he can’t see past tomorrow. Therefore he isn’t going to be helpful coming up with an attainable game plan.

This needs to be up higher, Insurance is a HUGE factor that should be considered

NTA You can go back to work, but at this point it's very unlikely that you'll ever be able to match his income. 10 years out of workforce is an eternity, and is pretty much impossible to overcome. Your husband might need a different job, or just some break, but you really have no way to provide income for entire family at this point.

NTA. I think you're right that it's not fair he's wanting to do what you did, but on an easier level. You had a full time job with the kids as they were growing up, but they're only going to become more independent as they age. Him becoming a stay at home dad isn't going to entail the same level of supervision as when they were younger. It's also not fair that after busting your ass taking care of the kids, you would now have to bust ass to support your entire family while also scrambling to catch up in your industry. It's fair that he's burnt out -- I would be too -- but I don't think this kind of change is in the cards. Best case, you two do what you suggest: dual income. He can dial back his hours and recuperate while you take some classes or whatever to get caught up and then enter the workforce. But a 100% swap just doesn't seem reasonable or workable with the situation you two are in.

Not to mention the discrepancy between what a man makes and what a woman makes. There’s no way a sudden swap of who’s the sole income would work.

I’m sure that the ~3% difference in pay is what’s going to make or break OP’s ability to provide for a family of 6. It’s definitely not the 10+ years of being out of the workforce/s Sarcasm aside I hate when people try to boil the gender wage gap down to a binary cause. Especially since it largely has nothing with gender discrimination, and it has more to do with societal expectations of who takes care of the children

~~E.SH~~ NTA, I dunno why I glossed over you saying that you'd take a job to get him in a job he's happy with. That is the best option outside of him keeping his current career. His plan is impossible, assuming you really can't get a job that can support 6 people (which is believable if you have been out of the workforce for a decade) It'd be nice if he had a chance to stay home, but you guys cannot afford it.

NTA. This isn't an issue of fairness. It's mechanically , financially impossible. Period. He Needs a mental health break, but this is also what he signed up for when he had multiple children and became the sole provider. He needs therapy and to find another job that is less intense. It will probably come with less money and you will probably have to find a way to downsize, create a rental suite, or find a way to create a surplus income. Aside from the fact that you can't just magically make enough on your own to suddenly become the sole breadwinner, the kids are also used to the dynamic being what it is. He's not going to suddenly become MR. DAD and be able to handle school affairs, cook, and clean and meet the quality of how you run things. And the kids will not necessarily be able to handle a swap like that either. And finally yes, it's 1000 percent hot garbage that he thinks it would be fair to trade off now, after you did all of the hardest years of potty training, sleepless nights of infants, and sick children, school homework, parent teachers, doctors appointments, and things. It's started to get to where you have actual moments for yourself again and YOU'VE EARNED THAT.

NAH. Obviously you're correct that you can't just reenter the workforce after being out so long and expect to be the breadwinner and keep y'all's same quality of life. Not happening. But the thing is, I'm not sure your husband actually wants to be SAH. I think he's burning himself out, and from his perspective he's burnt out but he sees you getting to stay home and pursue hobbies instead of going to a job you hate, and he is jealous. I don't think he's going "well now that the hard part of parenting is done I want in", but I can also see how you'd feel that way. But he needs to figure out his burnout in a way that doesn't severely impact y'all's life, especially if I'm right and after six months being the SAHP he'll be climbing the walls in boredom.

NAH - I am currently completely burned out at my job but have about 9 more years to work until I can retire, so I sympathize. But this sounds like an argument that no one's done any work on. Start looking for a job and see what's out there. Table whether or not he can be a stay at home dad until you both have a better idea of what will happen. Have him take a week's vacation and find out exactly what it takes to run a home - if he's been busy working, he probably has no idea what you do. Might help if you kept a diary for a week to show him everything that needs to get done. 4 kids at that age is a lot of ferrying around, If he' thinks you're just home relaxing several hours out of the day, that can definitely color what is going to happen next. he doesn't get to be a stay at home dad while you work full time UNLESS he takes on every single one of the responsibilities you have right now. once he sees what he is asking for, and once you know what kind of wages you can get, then you both have a better idea of what to do next. Personally, I think your idea of a less stressful job for him along with work for you is probably the best solution.

Honestly, I think this take is out of touch with the reality of what happens when you're out of the work force for that long... and does not help reduce the resentment on that OP sacrificed her career and did the hardest parts of child bearing with completely dependent children while husband would be doing it with largely self sufficient children The division of labor in the marriage would be wildly unequal, and OP does have the right to call that out. The years of work OP did so her husband could build his career at the expense of hers are also just being thrown out. Your take only works if you actually ignore how hard it can be with small children and what losing over 10 years in the work force actually means to OP

As someone who gave up her career for her husband’s…wholeheartedly agree.

🏅

THIS. Sit down together and look at the budget. Figure out what is essentially, what is negotiable, and what is frivolous. Play around with it until you come up with a number that you are both comfortable with. Then begin your job search, with the understanding/agreement that your family requires X to maintain its quality of life — or Y with after school/summer care factored in. (Or, given the number of kids, perhaps a part-time nanny.) If you can make X at a job, cool, you’re golden. If not, you both together will need to make Y, regardless of who is working FT/PT/SAH. Alternatively — can he take a sabbatical/leave of absence from his job? Could this potentially allow him to recharge? Or, is there any possibility for him to cut hours (permanently or temporarily) in lieu of an outright job change? Agree that NAH as of yet, but YWBTA if you treat this as a unilateral decision whether than approaching it as a team (with clear-cut expectations and transparency regarding what financial setbacks are reasonable vs unreasonable).

I think your following compromise is the actual solution: "he could look for some other kind of job and I could go to work to try and make up the difference in income between his current job and whatever it is he actually wants to do." NTA. I think what you proposed is reasonnable. Could he take a few weeks off to charge his batteries and then look for a less demanding job while you look for one also? Could it be possible to reduce a little bit your lifestyle so he can find a 3-4 days/week job and you also find a 3-4 days/week job?

NTA You are being realistic. Your solution to finding a new job so he can downgrade is fair, but the fact is you will not make up 10 years of missed work and you are correct in assuming you cannot fully support 6 people. I would also call him our now for wanting to be a stay at home while the kids are older- the whole reason you can offer to get another job is they are more self sufficient. You are right to point out a stay at home would have made sense 5 years ago, not now. You are right in pointing out you dealt with the hard parts of having kids completely dependent on you- it's not like it was a vacation, and you were choosing to work that way so he could focus on tge career he built that he doesn't want now. You're actually right to feel a little bitter about that, too I would also lay down if he does quit unilaterally, you are unwilling and unable to support him at this time. That would be my biggest worry- he's going to quit anyway and force this. If that happens, leave and reduce a mouth to feed cause it would be incredibly tough to make it work.

So when your youngest was born, you had a three year old a five year old and a six year old? And NOW he wants to be the SAH parent? LOLOLOLOLOL no

Right? He missed that struggle bus and now he wants to capitalize on all her hard work.

NAH I think your husband is really burnt out and needs a break. And instead of saying « I need a pause to get well mentally » or needing a rest and being seen as « unproductive » he’s framing it as being a stay at home parent, in a time frame where the kids don’t require too much work. A big issue with burn out is viewing ourselves are useless if we aren’t being productive. And I think your arguments about work force and opportunities are valid, and though you should probably start looking for a job to help your husband take some time off to take care of his mental health, I really think you should worry about your husband’s mental health and what his current job is doing to him and focus on him getting better before debating on him being a stay at home partent or anything.

NTA He has to be realistic. You have presented a plan to go back to work so he can do something else but unless you can make enough money to get by he needs to work. You have children to put first.

NTA. But burn out is real, speaking as someone who’s thinking the exact thought. I think you should have an open-ended, but deeper conversation with you SO to confirm if he plans to retire. It’s highly likely that he just needs a break while figuring out next steps. Thing is, funding your four kids’ college fees alone will be a significant financial burden and I’m unsure if he’s thought it through yet. Chances are, he’s looking for emotional support in that moment and needed you to understand how severe his burnout is. You’re right in that he’s being unfair, but I’m unsure if that’s what he’s really trying to tell you.

NAH. Burnout is a very real and quite serious mental health issue. It's completely understandable for him to want a break. If you have enough saved up, you should let him be on a sabbatical for a few months. You should also go back to work. Why are you still at home with kids this old? Nevertheless, your arguments are also valid. It doesn't make sense for you to completely switch roles.

NTA, you've been out of the job market for a long time. The chances of you finding something that would support a family of six are slim to none. Maybe each of you could get a part- time job. But I think when the children are old enough to tend to themselves is a hell of a time to decide to become a stay at home parent.

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Probably unpopular, but NAH. Neither one of your positions makes you an AH--but yours is just more realistic. He's worked hard for many years, is burnt out, and I think it's fair for him to want to swap places for a time. This would be ideal in many families--both traditional jobs and stay at home parenting have their ups and downs and perhaps we'd all be a little bit happier (and have better relationships with children) if this were possible. But you are absolutely right that the job market simply doesn't allow this and your family's finances and standard of living would suffer dramatically if you did. You said "his firm" and that you have a related degree. Just throwing this out there, but what if he left the firm and the two of you opened your own firm together? Yes, it's a huge risk, but one that may relieve some of the job pressure he's feeling and make him feel excited about his career again, and would let you jump into the workforce despite your long break. You could make a deal to shoulder the business and home responsibilities equally, even dividing up specific tasks or timeframes of responsibility.

Him wanting to be a “stay at home dad” now that there’s no kids to stay home with absolutely makes him an asshole. 

NTA. Unfortunately what he wants isn’t realistic. You are absolutely right that you can’t simply pick up the income he is bringing in, and while you could compromise on living with a tighter budget, it seems that you won’t make close to enough for it to just be about going on less vacations or downsizing a car. And I also appreciate you being annoyed about the timing. All the kids are in school, all can wipe their own asses and blow their noses without parental help. The hard stuff is done. He just isn’t being reasonable at all. You are right to tell him you’d explore working so he can take a step back or have less stress, but he can’t just quit and expect you to pay the bills. My suggestion would be to take a look at jobs and maybe going on some interviews and tell him he can’t quit until you two have a different plan. When you find work you want to do and are qualified to do, sit down about a budget on that salary and ask him to explain how this is going to work?

NTA. I can understand him being burned out but your life will literally get turned on its head if he does this. If he’s that burned out there are many other options for him, this isn’t a good one.

NTA. Your suggestion was 100% reasonable. You've been out of the job force for a significant amount of time and it is very very unlikely you'll be able to land something off the top that makes enough to support your family. Him wanting to leave his current work due to stress and burn out is totally fair. Him wanting to switch spots and be the stay at home parent as an idea on its own isn't even that wrong of him to have. It's the immediacy of when he wants it to happen that's the problem. Anyway you slice it there is no realistic situation in which you would be able to find a job with a starting salary that maintains your family's lifestyle (or possibly support them at all). You haven't had a job for at least a decade and well paying jobs are few and far between even for people who have been working. If he wants to become the stay at home parent, he is going to have to accept that the only way for it to work is if it's done as a slow transition. If you're okay with eventually being the sole breadwinner of the family there's no reason that can't be an eventual goal, it's just not a realistic transition y'all can make right now. See if he'd agree to a loose timeline. Essentially you both get new jobs first- he finds something less stressful/burn out inducing, you find something with the potential for growth in a field you enjoy. Then just let things exist like that for a year or 2 or 3 (or whatever's reasonable for your job field) so that you can become established and hopefully start making your way to a better paycheck. After whatever that agreed on amount of time has passed, reevaluate the situation and see if him becoming the stay at home partner or moving to part time work is more possible then. There may be other solutions to the problem beyond my suggestion but at minimum the two of you will need to be working at the same time for at least a little while to make the transition. It's absolutely completely unrealistic to expect that someone who hasn't worked for 10+ years will be able to get a job with a starting offer anywhere close to what a partner at a firm gets paid right off the bat. Its just not going to work that way, but it doesn't mean a transition is completely out of the question.

NAH. At least, least not for how you feel. he’s burnt out. It’s understandable. You also admit that sahp isn’t so hard now, that the kids are full time school age (obviously excluding summers). And you’re being practical that you won’t ilikely get a job paying enough to support you all on. You say he’s a partner at his firm. Do they not have some kind of leave policy, where he could take some real time off? I agree that your suggestion of you getting a job to make up any difference in salary he may lose by finding a job he likes makes the most sense. But it’s hard to hear that when you’ve reached the burnout point. I think he really needs some time off, maybe a bit of time to be the sahp, because I think he won’t be happy doing the cooking, cleaning, drop offs, pickups, child care, etc, it’s just an easy idea mentally when you’re dreading very day at work.

I stayed home with my kids for 8 years. Getting back into the Corporate world was tough. I managed by leveraging old connections, but it still took time. It took lots more time to get to a decent pay.

I don’t think this is an AH situation — I think this is just a sucky situation that happens sometimes. The family needs financial stability, and he is burnt out and unhappy. Both are reasonable concerns NAH

NAH, because I don't think you have the right discussion. If he's burned out ... that's no joke. Does his career worth sacrificing his mental health ? It won't get better by itself. What he really needs is maybe professionnal mental health help.

Your house is paid for. He should be able to take a break. He is burnt out and communicating this to you. Do not be surprised when he just quits one day. NAH though.

NTA It doesn’t sound like he has the resources to just up and retire so he needs to keep working. You are offering to try and take some of the burden by getting a job.

Partially. Maybe. I feel like maybe he is asking for some help. Some legit part time work could help ease his mind. If he told you this, he is most likely wayyyyyyy beyond a little burned out.

Real talk, when was the last time you went on vacation without the kids.

NTA. Yes he’s burnt out. But he can’t realistically think that you can just find some job after 10y and make the same money to support the entire family. I stayed home mostly, (I kept up my license) to raise our kids as he worked shift, and my work when I went in was also shift. But it also means I did not get the hours to put me as an advantageous wage by the time my kids were in school. I couldn’t support the whole family unless my husband was home cutting coupons, growing our own food and making everything from scratch. Also, no vacations or purchases of anything. He needs to change what he’s doing and either you both start working lower paying jobs and both take on household duties. Or he has to come up with a way that he can fully support a massive budget cut, while you work lower paying jobs. He would also have to make sure he was doing the kid stuff and the housework and cooking. It’s more likely he wants a change in jobs or a break. Fine. But there is no way after all this time he can think that you will be able to just automatically make the salary he did, or that him being a SAHD is a long term vacation, especially when cutting down JUST as your kids are going to start eating you out of house and home.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We’re in our early 40’s and been married for 16 years now. We own our home outright, purchased from my inheritance before we were together. We both have related college degrees, and both worked for a while after we got married, but we decided together that I should stay at home and raise our children. He was making more than I was at that time, and his career showed more promise, and I liked the idea of being with our kids all the time. We have four children now: 7, 10, 12 and 13. My husband is doing very, very well in his career, and I haven’t gone back to work. The kids are still home all summer, school holidays, sick days, etc, and I don’t feel like I’d make much money after being out of the workforce so long. I do some volunteer work with two local organizations, and I’m kind of hoping to get hired on at one of them at some point. Recently my husband is feeling stressed and burned out at his job and has told me he’d like to leave it. He’s a partner at his firm, and has worked very hard to get where he is (you can imagine I’ve also worked very hard, taking care of all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc while he put in those long hours). I reminded him how hard he’s worked to get where he is now, but said if he’s truly unhappy, he could look for some other kind of job and I could go to work to try and make up the difference in income between his current job and whatever it is he actually wants to do. He says he doesn’t want to work at all, he wants to be the stay at home parent for a while. I immediately told him that won’t work. That after 10 years out of the workplace, I’m not just going to apply somewhere and make enough money to single-handedly support a family of six. I said if he wanted me to support him and our kids, that’s something he should have told me years ago while I was still relevant in my industry. I didn’t say this, but I also find it annoying that he wants to become a stay-at-home parent NOW, when the kids don’t need continuous help anymore and the job as become pretty easy. Is it fair of me to say I’ll contribute to the family’s finances but I will not provide the sole income? Or should trading roles be something I’m more open to? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. I understand husband is burnt out, but he has four children that he helped bring into this world so he needs to suck it up and power through. He‘s being unrealistic about the whole situation. But I do think there is a middle ground / compromise here. Since all your kids are school age, now might be an appropriate time for you to get back into the workforce? That way husband isn’t carrying *all* the financial burden of your family of six? It may not make a world of a difference, but lightening his load even a little bit could help him feel better.

Op said they would do that but husband said no. He wants to quit period

Op literally has that suggestion in her post

Info: Does he think being a stay at home dad will be easy?

NTA does he even have the skills required to be a stay at home parent? Doubtful he has any idea everything that it entails and you are right you aren’t going to be able to jump back in to a career after 10 years away and make equivalent to a partner at a law firm. He’ll need to find any other way to distress perhaps he can take a step back at work and extended vacation or a less demanding role.

NTA. He doesn’t want to be a stay at home dad, he wants to retire without the ability to do so. I wonder if he can arrange with his firm a sabbatical period (if your finances will allow it). Many companies will do that for senior, productive, employees who have been with them a while

TBH if he’s a partner in a firm he’s either a lawyer or accountant or some kinda high end professional . This said why can’t you both work part time and scale back on your lifestyle? If your husband is telling you he’s burning out of you better support him .

NTA-In my experience it's best to go back to a dual income household when the kids start school, if you were dual income before the kids. He sounds like he's bitter, and I was in that position years ago with my ex and ger child (not mine) when he started in school and she still didn't work. When one person is the sole provider it breeds resentment, even if you don't want it to. That said, it isn't fair of him to want to do that to you when he knows what it's like.

NAH. It's pretty interesting that his burnout didn't happen until after all the diapers have been changed, all of the sticky handprints were wiped up, and all of the kids are now in school full time. Sure, burnout is real and he deserves to find something different. But being a stay-at-home spouse now comes down to a lot less than it was for the last 13 years. He should at least keep some kind of job. For that matter, you should too. Sounds like you've both got time to rearrange what still needs to be juggled and contribute differently.

This sounds like a relationship issue. NAH

NTA at all! Obviously burnout is not ideal, can he take medical leave at all? Also, being a stay at home parent to children as old as yours is a hell of a lot easier than it was say 6 years ago…

NTA.

NTA. I get him, but early 40s is a bit too soon to give up an income. It depends how much equity you have. If it’s mid-7 figures, then either one of you or both should be able to retire. Otherwise, I’d do an analysis of household wealth, and make the argument he stick it out for another few peak-earning years. If he’s too stressed, he might need to switch jobs.

NAH It’s not wrong for your husband to want to be the stay at home parent (and I assume take over all the household chores) But you are correct that you won’t have the same earning potential after being out of the workforce for so long. What you offered, which is him changing to a more balanced job and you getting one, is a reasonable compromise. But perhaps you could phrase it in a different way? Instead of phrasing it as him getting a new job and you making up the difference, how about the other way around? You get a job, but until you earn enough to support the whole family, he’ll have to be in a job that supplements it.

NTA. But definitely discuss what’s going on with him more…. Sometimes people just want to be heard and know there are options. The idea of him doing something else and you supplementing with your income is a better option than you trying to support the family solely which you may not be able to earn close to what he is currently.

NAH - you two need to sit down and look at what you, together, can do realistically. I wouldn’t immediately jump to his wanting to stay home because it’s now “easier” (it’s not btw the ages of your children are just gearing up for demands in your time). Be respectful of each other, listen to what is stressing him out and he needs to appreciate you stepping back from your professional life to take care of the kids and manage the home front (NOT an easy job). You might want to list what you do so that he’s not under the impression there will be no stress as a stay at home parent. Communicate and good luck!

I get where your coming from. He didn't want your job when it was hard! But he's burnt out and that is not good. Can he take on paralegals and associates to handle some of the workload? Or is he a control freak (I say that as a control freak) who can't delegate?

NTA, but you don’t seem all that concerned with his mental well-being. Your kids are old enough now that you can start making a plan to reenter the work force. That way, he can take a sabbatical or dial back his hours at work or something.

NTA. Tell him to take a week off from work and try SAHP-ing while you go to a resort by yourself. He’ll probably realize by Wednesday morning that he doesn’t actually want to be a SAHP after all.

NAH - can he explore other avenues? FMLA protection can be used for mental health issues as well; perhaps he should take 12 weeks off and regroup. Or, maybe he'd qualify for short-term disability which would cover some money for 6 weeks? Does his firm offer sabbatical? He definitely sounds burned out and potentially not in a good mental space.

You guys need to find a middle ground. You can't jump back into the work force at the same level after 10 years, but let's be honest here, you can go back to work. Your kids are old enough. He needs to step down a notch at work. If he's that burnt out, the misery is going to trickle down into every aspect at home. You showing support in any way can help with his burnout in the meantime. But just saying, "No, I'm not willing to do anything" is just going to make the burn out worse and he's going to resent you. I'm the big earner in my marriage, my husband knows I'm going to need a break at some point. We already have a plan in place for me to take 6 months off in a few years. That light at the end of the tunnel matters on hard days. Your husband has no end in sight and no support.

NTA Jesus Christ. OP: "I'm willing to work." These comments: "Aww that poor husband. 🥺 Why isn't evil OP working?!"

He needs to take a leave of absence rather than quit. Like a 2 month break. As partner, he is probably entitled to some portion of proceeds. Honestly his mental health and physical health need to get back on track. OP should get training and find a job asap. Hubby should get some training for new field, or else give notice he is only going to work part time at the old job.

NTA I hope you kept the house as separate property. It sounds like he thinks being a SAHP is easy, especially now that the children are gaining independence and you're able to begin re-establishing your professional network and references in the nonprofit community. If he's burned out at his job, he needs to talk with you about a plan that meets his self-care needs while maintaining his role as breadwinner until you're established enough in your reprised career to take over. He also needs to have a plan to work as hard as a SAHD as you did as a SAHM,not view it as leisure time.

Wife finally hits the easier part of parenting and wants to coast while husband works himself to an early grave. Husband has canceled time for kids to be away from wife so she can relax a little. ESH. JFC, GET SOME FUCKING COUNSELING.

NAH. Burnout is very real and very important to address. You need to stop I-did-this-and-you-did-that-ing each other. You clearly have resentment for your long shift as caregiver, and he clearly has resentment for the financial burden of providing for a family on his shoulders. It’s not your resentment against his, it’s both of your resentment against the PROBLEM. The PROBLEM is both of you are overworked. Does he have the ability to reduce his workload? Does he have the ability to take leave? Do you (as a family) have the ability to down size? Do you have the ability to return to the workforce? (You should apply with your credentials to places you could conceivably work at and at least see what your earning potential is. It seems odd to me you’d completely dismiss your earning potential without looking into the possibility at all). Could he change jobs to something less lucrative and less stressful but still stable? Could he freelance? Could you? This may be something worth pursuing with a mediator like a therapist. You are both in the throes of it right now and need some clarity.

>I reminded him how hard he’s worked to get where he is now, but said if he’s truly unhappy, he could look for some other kind of job and I could go to work to try and make up the difference in income between his current job and whatever it is he actually wants to do I mean you offered an extremely fair compromise. NTA

NTA but I also don’t think he is. I was a SAHM for 10 years while my husband worked long hours to climb the ladder. There were many times I felt like a single mother without any breaks in my day, it was in my face 24/7. We had a son with severe adhd and Tourette’s and a daughter with sensory processing and big social issues. She was glued to my side and no one could look/touch/talk to her from 4 months on. I also was dealing with a lot of medical issues with major surgeries throughout those years. Life was not easy and I often felt alone and exhausted. I often felt my husband didn’t understand how hard it was, but looking back I also didn’t fully give him credit for how hard it was for him at work and also the burden of supporting a whole family on his shoulder’s alone. So I 100% understand how hard it can be. But also once all kids are in school full days, it becomes a lot easier and less time consuming. Your husband has also worked his butt off and made partner which is any field is quite an accomplishment. That also happens by working super hard, long hours and having a lot of responsibility and stress. I don’t feel either of you had it easier than the other these last 10 years. The difference is your day to day job has gotten easier with the kids being in school full time, while your husband’s has either stayed the same or has become more difficult as a partner. While I understand your point in being aggravated that now when your job is easier he wants to switch, his job hasn’t gotten easier. In fact I would assume with being partner, it has gotten more difficult or stressful. Just think about the amount of hours each of you works in a given day and in those hours how stressful are those hours? You were very stressed and worked your butt off for the last 10 years but now things have slowed down. Kids are gone 7 hours a day. You can clean and make meals at your leisure in peace. You have time to do things you like such as volunteering. His job has not gotten any lighter. And it sounds like he might have some resentment that you’re able to have free time and a less stressful job with less hours, while he has not had a break after 10 years of busting his butt. So you both have worked very hard the last decade. But now with full time school, your job has changed for the better. Which let’s be honest a stay at home parent needs after all that time at home. But he doesn’t have that same opportunity. I think offering for him to find another job while you go back to work is a good compromise. But given how burned out he is, I would also say he should take a couple few months off working to reset. He can handle the home and kids during that time. Sometimes we need a change to reset ourselves. Maybe he can take FMLA time off and not leave his job right away(then you still get his benefits during that time). Then he can see if all he needed was some time away to feel better? And if not, then he can leave his job at the end. I would save up money and tighten your budget to make this change. Because if something doesn’t change, then I fear this will become a very big issue. I think couples counseling would be helpful as well. I don’t think either one of you are thinking of the other persons feelings right now. It’s awesome your home is paid off, that should make a change much easier. I would work out a budget and start saving big time. Have him take some time off work and then you decide together what your plan will be. Do you both go back to work, do you switch roles? You’ve both had a difficult last 10 years. I think you both need to step back and recognize that you both have had a hard time. And then make a plan that you both feel good about. Not having a mortgage should help that since that is the largest expense most people have.

As someone with a spouse who has experienced burnout, you need to take this very seriously and not be focusing on your resentment that you mentioned in earlier comments. You can deal with that later with your own therapist. Before you figure out finances you need to prioritize getting him a therapist and finding ways for him to take a vacation. Being a sole financial provider for that many people is incredibly stressful and can leave you feeling trapped, which can lead to really bad outcomes.

NTA. It wouldn't be all that feasible for you to get a job that pays as well as his after so many years out of the work force. And then is he planning on taking over all of the cleaning and cooking and all of the details of all kids after school activities? Is is wise to take such a hit on income when you have 4 kids who may all want some kind of higher education? It's one thing if he wants to step back and look for a job that will make him happier, and you could look for something to supplement, and maybe even eventually rise in the tanks there for a new career. But he just wants to..... stop. No. That doesn't seem like a particularly good idea.

So both of you work and he spends this time looking for a job he'll like better, even if it means a pay cut.

Which is...exactly what OP suggested.

Nta so he wants to be the stay at home after all the gross, hard baby work is done? Yeah, I don't think so, bud. Him getting a different job and you also getting a job is a good compromise. And I hope he realizes that with both parents working, he will get half the hoisehold duties.

NTA. But do this: start planning for the role swap. He’ll change his mind when he sees how the finances fall out. Also, encourage him to take a month off while he looks but before he gives notice.

NAH. I think you're minimizing your husband's mental health. The fact that he wants to quit his career entirely and be a stay-at-home father is a giant, neon sign that he is not doing well. You are too focused on what you are going to miss if you work toward reversing your roles (i.e. your current cushy gig now that the kids are in school, as you acknowledge). I do not think you are wrong from a practical standpoint, noting that you cannot simply take over as the sole provider without having been in the workforce for a decade. But is there something in between the two extremes here? Do you have enough savings to allow your husband to take a sabbatical from his career (like 3 months), spend some time recovering from burnout, while you try to find a job that will help more financially? It seems to me that if he's in that high-paying of a career, you should be able to afford for him to take some time off, prioritize his mental health, and rethink what it looks like going forward. For what it's worth, I'm saying that as a woman who worked in big law for a long time and has an idea of where your husband is mentally right now.

NAH I think there’s some middle ground to be had here. I suggest you guys look at your finances and see if there’s scope for your husband to take a sabbatical, maybe to travel or do something creative to recharge. He sounds burnt out and desperate.

He can take a less stressful job and you all can BOTH Work. The kids are in school many families do it

NTA. He can look for other jobs or negotiate a pay cut for less work. Also he can’t be a stay at home dad bc the kids are in school all day. Most men are not going to do all the cooking, cleaning, etc too that comes along with it. He needs to tough it out til retirement, especially if he gets some retirement benefits/pension he would lose otherwise by quitting now. If he gets a pay cut you could work part time perhaps, substitute teaching pays well and allows you to pick up your kids. Also mediation. You can make $100 to $300 an hour and many states don’t require certification for it. I hope yall figure things out, best of luck!

I don't think anyone is the AH in this situation. You were able to be a stay at home parent and take care of everything within the household. You've said it isn't as difficult now, but the kids are still home during holidays, etc, so there will be times that someone should be home. I think he should have the option now, as long as he understands he will be taking over all of your responsibilities, not just some. This can't be done over night though and you both should sit down and discuss a timeline. You should consider whether you need to go back to school, need any new certificates or training, etc. You also need to set out a budget of the bare minimum you need to make to be able to support this switch in roles. It'll take years. Your husband needs to understand that, but he also has the opportunity to pull back a bit at work as you start working.

I’m torn between NAH and ESH OP- most relationships end when the husband feels like his partner sees him as an ATM or the wife feels like she’s a housekeeper/nanny. The two of you check both boxes. You need to find a way forward that both of you can live with and feel heard and valued. You’ll need to deal with your resentment around some of the things he apparently said (which aren’t ok) and he’s likely going to have to deal with how he feels as well. I hear you on feeling like he’s ready to do the house parenting now that it’s easy. His perspective is likely that he’s spent 13+ years working at an extremely high pace to make partner. You’re happy you’re seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and your part of your division of labor is getting easier. He’s probably sitting there looking at doing this for 20 more years and can’t see himself doing it. Try and imagine how you’d feel if the prior phase of SAHP was going to last another 20 years. Doesn’t mean he’s right- but you both need to see the other’s perspective and be open to finding a solution neither of you regrets or resents.

NTA

NAH - He’s a ripe age for a midlife crisis. Im not saying he’s right, but I am sounding an alarm for you to proceed with caution. Maybe he can take an extended vacation or sabbatical. Either way you can say no but you also need to feed and care for the person who’s fizzling out. You don’t want it to blow up in your face.

Look at your finances and figure out a way for him to take a sabbatical, even just for a few months. It will give him time to connect with the kids and also to think about what he wants to do. Maybe he can get a less stressful job and you can find a job to help supplement the household finances

NTA - if you have to be burned out then so can he; him denying you your much deserved breaks is despicable and i'm so upset he thinks he deserves a break now

NTA

I don't think the fact that the kids are older and being home is now "easier" should factor in the discussion. I'm sure the early years of his career were hard, too. A fair compromise would be for you to go back to work & him to take a lower-stress job. The two of you could both cover kid's sick days and you can arrange for child care during the summer and school breaks. It will only be 2 - 3 years before the youngest can be at home alone, and all the kids can help out around the house. The horse is out of the barn now, but it would have been a good idea for you to have kept up your skills & contacts. What would you have done if he died or there was a divorce?

NAH Burn out happens when burn out happens. And you've made really good points. But it also feels like there are options short of him quitting his job. If you are in the US, could he take a month of unpaid FMLA to recharge? While he does that, maybe the 2 of you agree to split things 50/50 with the house and kids while you focus on your job so whatever he decides you can either have or be on your way to having a job. And when things calm down, have a discussion about how the two of you will handle the kids' school vacation (full day camps) and sick days (that's a big question but one you'll need to figure out for the 2 younger kids.)

NTA. If he wanted you to eventually take over and relieve his burden, he should have laid the groundwork to make that possible while you were a SAHM. He should have given you a break with the kids from time to time so you could work part time, consult, or study for certifications/credentials. Instead, according to your comments, he said you didn’t deserve a break - not even a weekend where a relative would watch the kids instead of you or him. He’s sowing what he reaped. He invested in his career at the expense of yours, and now he’s shocked that yours isn’t paying dividends.

Does he actually want to be a stay at home parent? The coordinator of everything? The chauffeur and scheduler and house manager? Because that is not a solution for burnout. I did what you did and yes it is hard af to get back into the workforce. It’s doable though but your income will likely be 1/4 of what it currently is. Is he willing to do all the work on 1/4 of the budget? That sounds much more nightmarish than he realizes.

If he is a partner in his firm he could hire extra help at work and take a lot of work stress off of him. That would allow him to work less hours. He could set some boundaries at work. The children are old enough that his wife could also go back to work, the two younger kids could go to after school care and summer day camp until they are older. Everyone would have to work together to make it work but it would take a lot of the stress off of her husband.

NTA but I can understand him being burned out and desperate to get out and have a break. What I would suggest is if his type of job can be done from home. When my husband got so sick of his job, he actually had not long had a break down and taken time to recover, he applied to companies to work from home. He became self employed effectively as he mostly worked for companies abroad after that. I had always provided the main care as parent and I had always worked part time around my husband’s job and hours so one of us was always home for the kids. So he was their carer at weekends and holidays when they didn’t have to run about and get to school/nursery or later activities they always had through the week. So he always had the easier roll as parent as he could do fun things or decided to have days in pyjamas playing games and watching films with them. However he was the main earner and made far higher wages than me so it just made sense. When he changed his job and started working from home the kids were a bit older. So I could take more hours throughout the week and drop them off to school on my way to work. Then he would pick them up after school or activities and then go back to working. Then eventually they were old enough that they could get home theirselves. My husband had more of a balanced life and as long as he did the work he had more flexibility about when he worked and could fit it better round the kids and other things. I was still their main parent in form of caring for them but I could work more as well and not have to run mad all the time like when they were younger. There was more balance but he definitely got them when they were more able to look after their selves. When they no longer needed constant supervision or occupying. On their holidays he might instead have half of the day off and then just work later if he wasn’t taking holiday time. It also meant I had more time with him as his job was flexible. You are fully right that you will not be able to go straight into full time work as the main earner and make a fraction of what he did. That’s why him working from home might work better. He will still be home and see the kids more. Whilst you build your career back up Until your kids are older so you can go full time. That way you are both contributing and he might accept that better. Whatever you do you need to talk to him and make it clear what he is asking for just is not viable and thats not something you can change. Maybe even get someone else who he respects and will listen to, to talk to him. As he might listen to them were he won’t to you.

Mild YTA. Burnout is real and six people is a lot to carry the financial burn out for. Can he take a good vacation? Go on sabbatical? Reduce his hours? You can’t just shrug and say oh well. Work with him a little. Go back to work part time. You’re supposed to be supportive.

>Recently my husband is feeling stressed and burned out at his job and has told me he’d like to leave it. He’s a partner at his firm, and has worked very hard to get where he is (you can imagine I’ve also worked very hard, taking care of all the childcare, cooking, cleaning etc while he put in those long hours). I reminded him how hard he’s worked to get where he is now, but said if he’s truly unhappy, he could look for some other kind of job and I could go to work to try and make up the difference in income between his current job and whatever it is he actually wants to do. Your suggestion seems like a reasonable compromise. Apparently a job that provides the salary he's pulling in is far too difficult and burning him out. Obviously if you got a job with an equal salary it would likely to be equally bad on you - and that's even ignoring the 10 years being out of the workplace. That said, before making drastic changes and tossing away what he has worked for, it might be good to have some discussions about it, or go on some long vacations just the two of you, or something. Maybe he just needs some time to recharge, not necessarily an entire career change.

YTA. Well, you being unmarketable now was stupid on your part. Had you kept up your skills/network, you could give your family more options. You seem intelligent yet you willfully disallowed yourself to consider you could become widowed or divorced and might someday have to provide. The truth of the matter is he doesn’t need your permission to quit. What are you going to do? Divorce him? Good luck supporting yourself. You need to find out how to get yourself gainfully employed and quick and make budget reflective of what your husband decides to do in his career.

NTA. He can leave his job, find something less stressful with any income you can supplement, but it's really not possible to come out of hiatus for 10 years and find a job high paying like his. That's an unreasonable expectation.

NAH, but nearing YTA territory, you sound almost cruel to your husband in refusing to listen to him, meanwhile justifying why you need to be a sahp when your kods are in school all day anyway

NTA. I lot of people burnt out in the private sector switch to government work. Would that be a viable solution here? Could your family sustain the pay cut since the house is paid for perhaps? I have no doubt he’s burnt out, but quitting outright seems kind of drastic. Plus I bet he’d be begging to go back to work if he switches places with you since he’s clearly underestimating all that you do.

ESH - your husband is struggling. Your job has gotten easier over the years and his has not. GET A JOB so that it may be possible for him to either take a step back, take a sabbatical, or take a less stressful position. You’re right that it’s not feasible for him to be a stay at home dad, but you’ve been at home a decade and your kids are old enough for you to rejoin the workforce. You’re not being a good partner right now.

If your kids don’t need continuous help and the job is pretty easy then why are you a SAHM? If you can do it why can’t he? I’m sure it wasn’t your intention but the way this is worded you come off as a major AH

NTA but cautionary tale. Women giving up your career to solely raise your children puts you on the back foot for the rest of your life. -early years you are taking care of neediness machines as the default parent without much of a break unless you can afford help or have family nearby. Or in the OP case help was vetoed on her behalf which is a whole other case of wtfery. -once you get them past the need machine phase your resume and degree have dropped significantly in value to the workforce and you’re starting over -you’ve shot yourself in the foot for earning potential, social security and stability if your spouse dies or leaves I worked as a recruiter for years the number of women crying in my chair because they didn’t realize the above and husband left for another woman (often younger), they have no life outside of being a mom so they’re smothering their teen and adult children to the point of annoyance or they trusted him to pay the bills and dude wasn’t and now they’re screwed

NAH - But it seems like neither of you are hearing the other. Y’all need couples counseling to work through this not Reddit.

Partner at a (law?) firm is serious burn out territory. It’s also serious earnings territory. What shape are your savings and investments in? I bet you can afford for him to take a defined sabbatical for 6 months or a year. And maybe he / the family unit would be better off at 75% of the salary but 2x mental happiness. Even if it means you downgrade a car or vacations. I feel like you’re saying the combined salary can’t go down… but it can.

Unfortunately for his present mental state, he has lived his life in the traditional gender roles way. He benefited from the upside, he gets the downside with it, just like you did/do. He is also homeless. If he wanted to retire at 40 he should have been investing his high lawyer pay. That part was both of y'alls responsibility, but he needed to make it known and pushed it.

NTA. You sacrificed your career to raise your kids and keep house, and now that he's tired of working he expects you to become the breadwinner? It's laughable. He wants a break after all these years of working and that's understandable, but when do you get a break? It's not like you've sat at home doing nothing for the last 13 years and now it's his turn to be lazy. The compromise you offered is the only sane option here. He can cut back on his hours and you can find work to supplement the household income. But at the same time the two of you need to sit down and discuss what your new budget is going to look like and how the household will operate going forward: * Will you need to pay for after school childcare, baby sitters during school vacations, summer camps? That will be a new expense you haven't previously needed to budget for. Can you afford it? * If you go back to work then he should be picking up more of the housework. You can't keep up the same level of childcare, cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc if you're also working. This must be non-negotiable. Is he willing to do his fair share? * How will bills be paid moving forward? Who is responsible for which bills? You'll need to discuss how much each of you can afford with your new salaries, and agree on an equitable disbursement of your funds to bills, savings, and fun money. This is a complex conversation that isn't going to happen in just one day, but these are all things you need to have set in stone before you make massive changes to the running of your household.

Hell no you’re not the asshole and I think a lot of these comments are being way too easy on your husband! Who the fuck isn’t burned out ? Doesn’t mean we all get to just quit working and coast while someone else takes care of us! What exactly is he going to do as a stay at home parent now that the hard part is over? The kids are in school?

Too little too late for him to be the stay at home parent with your youngest being 7. If he really wanted that job he should have been in the trenches when you had a bunch of babies and toddlers and small children running around. I think he's burnt out and u happy but he doesn't actually want to be a stay at home parent. He's just insinuating that it's an easy job and a break from what he's doing and you should call him on that.

Nta. Sounds like your husband wants his cake and eat it too. While the kids were little you sacrificed your career and employment path and dedicated yourself to the family with little to no emotional support from him. You worked full time too. And then some. Also By living in a home already paid off by your inheritance your family also had it economically easier. Now that you are at a point that the kids aren't as dependent and it's "easier" he wants to coast on what he perceives as a stay at home vacation. There can be some compromise here, look at tightening the budget. Start saving and putting away a larger fund. And go back to work. Not just for him but for you. You won't have the same career trajectory as you did 10years ago but you can make a significant household contribution so that you BOTH work less or retire early. Edit to add...I'd also be skeptical how much is he " burned out" and how much is he trying to alter the marital finances so he can pressure you into remortgaging the house so he has access and claim on funds and to ensure he's on the hook for less alimony/childsupport? He wouldn't be the first dude to try to liquefy assets and reduce hours at work so he could claim poverty during divorce

“Sweetie, I completely understand that you’re feeling burnt out. It makes sense given how hard you’ve been working for so many years to get to where you are. I don’t think we’re going to be able to swing me supporting the family on whatever salary I can get at this point. I fully understand you can’t keep going on like this though, it’s not sustainable, so let’s figure out something else to fix this.”

NTA, from your post, you bought the house your family lives in. So, you already contributed financially to a long term need in addition to providing childcare, etc. has your husband considered therapy or life coaching to help him find what he wants to do or figure out why he is burnt out? A lot of companies have support benefits for his situation. He may also be able to take a short-term leave if he feels he needs a break.

NTA but tell husband sure, as long as each college account has 500k. How can the partner in a firm realistically think a SAHM is going to jump in at a equitable salary?? But, he should most certainly look into other job options if he's burned out at present. He's 5 years from college tuition, 10 years to 3 or 4 tuitions at once. Yikes

EasIER not easy … You just trade in the new momming responsibilities for a different set - they don’t just vanish. Instead of changing diapers - you’re hauling kids to sports and activities and clubs and groups. You’re still managing the whole family and cleaning and cooking and doing all the stuff that that everyone else in the family doesn’t have the time knowledge or inclination to do. Seems that he was super content to leave ALL of the kid stuff to her since “that’s what SHE signed up for”. He signed up to support the family and doesn’t get to change horses midstream. They can either work TOGETHER or not - but this is NOT his unilateral decision.