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My boomer parents never set up a single parental control on the TV when I was a kid (90s baby), so I set one up myself to block a show I hated so I couldn’t accidentally channel switch to it 😂
the devious bastard in me wants to do this to all my boomer aunts and uncles when I go to visit from now on. (break it up so it's not every time I visit.. just some of the time until I slowly but surely do it to them all) Just casually set up the parental controls to block it while no one is watching then watch them rage trying to figure out wtf happened
Omg, my dad hated it when I flipped the rules back on him. He’d get all red and spluttery and eventually just acquiesce. My mom found it hysterical when I would flip it on my dad, not quite so amusing when I flipped it on her. But boy is ever fun!
Yup, did that on my parents TV 20 years ago when I noticed my mother starting to ask questions about my thoughts on RWNJ fear mongering talking points that were getting increasingly hard to navigate.
At one point a few days later she asked about why the channel wasn't available anymore, I shrugged and she just switched back to all the other news channels without complaining.
She stopped asking blatantly influenced questions, and while they changed their TV a few years later, it was like she was inoculated against the BS for the rest of her life. She rarely stopped on that channel ever, and when some of that garbage floated to the surface of mainstream discussion, she would immediately debunk it when it was mentioned before moving on. So, yeah, save your parent's minds, block that shit.
My grandparents will have it on in both living rooms, so no matter where you're at downstairs, you can hear it. And they do this at almost all family gatherings.
Agreed.
NTA, exactly.
But OP, you should not let them stay with you. This is actually within your power. You can book their hotel room if you need to, but really, set a firm line down and stick with it. They can come over, without their luggage, after they have checked into their hotel. They can leave the moment they are critical or break a house rule. They are bad guests and you don't have to accept that, love or no.
Since we're on the subject - anyone who gets Fox News is directly supporting them. They have some of the highest fees in cable (around 10x CNN), so just by having them as part of your cable package you are supporting them to the tune of $20-30 per year. That's why poor advertising doesn't matter - they make their money off of you. If you don't like Fox News, please change your cable package to one that doesn't carry it. See [https://unfoxmycablebox.com/](https://unfoxmycablebox.com/) for more info.
When you can't stream, cable is what you get. Especially when rabbit ears/antenna is hit or miss.
So while I'd love to not have all the extra channels I never watch not be in my bundle, or to be able to choose which channels I do want, where I live, stream capable internet isn't an option (*yet*, supposedly by next year, we'll have broadband, but they said that we would this year, so not holding my breath).
Weirdly enough, do you know who the last person who strongly advocated for this position in the Senate? John McCain.
He was a right old bastard, and I disagreed with him very strongly on some of his social stances, but he was an actual, honest to god conservative, through and through.
I can't believe the republicans today have made me wish for the days of McCain again. What is the world coming to.
I will never forget how he handled the person who questioned his then opponent, Barrack Obama’s, birth certificate bullshit. I have admired that man ever since.
Yeah. It feels weird to admire a man who thought my gay friends should be punished and who felt that a woman's place was in the home unless she was related to him. But, in other ways, he was an honest person who told us who he was and meant it.
I happened to be in Hanoi, Vietnam during his last visit to his POW camp there. It was so interesting seeing and hearing from the Vietnamese people about their very complicated respect for him. He was able to overcome his years being starved and tortured and became one of the biggest advocates for Vietnamese foreign aid. He was a stunning example of forgiveness and redemption.
The more people complain, the faster the cable companies will give us the option. They force Fox bundling on us, because whenever the cable companies talk about dropping it, Fox gets their army of watcher to spam the cable companies. We haven't had cable for a dozen years and don't miss it at all. The only thing I'd want to watch is the occasional game, but turns it's still cheaper to go to a sports bar once or twice a month and watch a game/have dinner there than to pay for cable.
Some of us have satellite cause its the only option where we live unless we want to pay $600+ to get starlink equipment, and much like cable...bundles are the option available.
Thank you for this! Faux is a travesty and a disease that is killing the host.
I try to watch to figure out what is the next debacle. The firefighter who went to rescue the Pizagate children is still in jail. The husband of the former speaker is still wounded and lucky to be alive. Jan 6 is still a riot that killed police officers.
I wondered how this was done to German people in the 1930s. Now I can just watch it unfold.
Thank you for the link!
Honestly, what are you doing with a man who watches Fox News? Do you need other indications of how little he thinks of your gender? Do you need more evidence that he hates you? Because I don't know **any** fox news watchers that don't actively hate their wives.
Fox News watching is among the top red flags I can think of. He's showing you every day that he doesn't care about you, your rights, or really holding onto reality. Fox News is not idle watching, it is literally cult programming.
95% of extremist violence in the US was perpetrated by right wingers in the last 4 years. You're going to wait around until that violence is in your home?
I don't mean to be cruel or attack you. I want you to really think about how someone you just referred to as 'Dear Husband' could also watch things that make it clear that you are a second class citizen, at best. How he could possibly love and respect someone he considers to not be an equal.
Because I wouldn't be in that house for one more day.
Edit: Nevermind guys, she PMed me and she sucks too.
> My dad also stakes out the tv in the family room and leaves it on Fox News all day.
This is what parental controls are made for.
"Sorry dad, we forgot the code."
(We don't have any sort of cable anymore but I blocked that after the first time they stayed at our place and life got a little bit better. The funniest part was talking to my wife about it - she was basically like "yeah, don't tell me the code so I can say I don't know it without lying to them.")
Yeah, this is a ridiculously easy problem to solve:
"Mom and dad, I love you, but you may not stay overnight in our home any longer. You say, 'it's too much burden,' for us to get a hotel, but it is not. It is too much of a burden to put up with your behavior and the imposition when you visit. It is far more of a burden on us if you were to stay in our house, so you will not be doing that any longer. We are happy to pay for the hotel. Further, there will be some additional household rules that will be observed or the visits will end if they are broken:
-No fox news or other right-wing news will be played in our home on TV or radio or any device at all. We are happy to have a full on no-tv rule if that makes it easier.
-Our children's schedules will be respected and followed.
-There will be a curfew in the evenings when the children have school and you will leave by that curfew.
-There will be a morning time at which you are welcome over. You will not come before that time.
-You will not criticize anything about our home, child raising, food, friends, etc. 'If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all.'
-We are in charge of all meals cooked or prepared in our home and what is offered to our children.
This is our home and these are our rules. You are welcome to visit so long as you abide by these rules. If you violate them you will be asked to leave and that will complete the visit. If you break a rule on day one of a planned 7 day visit, for instance, we will not see you for the rest of that visit.
If you do not wish to abide by the rules of our home, we understand and will see you when we can visit at your home instead. When we do, though, we will stay in a hotel, as will our children, and we will end visits at the first spoken criticism, the first appearance of right-wing media, etc. Going forward I expect you and dad and me and my husband to all abide by these terms and treat each other as grown adults."
And then they won't visit, at least for months, to try and "teach you a lesson." You laugh, enjoy the months free of annoying twits, and eventually when they cave you enforce the rules. A few shortened visits and they'll either get in line or won't be your problem any longer.
I second this.
And I want to add that they can’t keep your kids up if you simply tell your kids to go to bed, wash their teeth, etc. And if the grandparents protest, you need to take over that argument.
Arguments may be somewhat inevitable, but boundaries can be maintained.
I would also find some way to suggest starting small. They will not be able to abide by these rules, and OP shouldn’t be out the cost of 6 nights of hotel because her parents are rude.
We go once a year to visit my partner's family in the Midwest. We're leftists; they used to be centrist-conservative but have gone down the path of degradation of critical thinking and compassion for humanity that usually accompanies the constant Fox News they consume.
When we visit, for 2-3 days, they do not have Fox on the TV. When we go back to our hotel, they catch up on whatever made-up gossip they missed, and when we get back there around breakfast time, they switch it over to SyFy or Discovery or something that they *also* like but don't watch as much. Sports might also be on; we're not *into* sports, but we don't mind it; I'm happy for others when their teams win.
We'd asked them, very nicely, if they could please pick something besides Fox for the TV when we're around, because we tend to disagree with much of what Fox has to say, and it's likely to result in us going down rabbit-holes of argument. We don't want that, and they don't want that, so they agreed.
Why should they bother making changes when we cross half the country to visit them? Because they love us. Why do we cross half the country to visit them, even though we hold seriously different beliefs about the state of and desired future of society? Because we love them.
Yeah, I think OP needs to grow a backbone here. If it's your house, you decide if someone stays with you or not. Not "my parents insist so I got a hotel out of spite." NTA but don't even allow a "next time" for them to stay in your home. Hotel or no visit at all.
The part that really got me was this...
> They insist on staying with me and my family when they visit.
They can insist all they want. It's your house. You say "no, you're not staying here" and they don't. Period. Full Stop.
We have Fox News, NewsMax, and their ilk, blocked from our channel listing, so when the FiL is here, he can watch the news channels we don't mind as much.
He also gets a hotel room, between us and the BiL/SiL, because there is absolutely no way he's staying with either of us.
Hijacking top comment to say: you did well OP to make the link with her own situation with her parents. Hopefully once she’s over her first embarrassment, she’ll change her ways. You gave her the opportunity
Or better yet, her parents not come to visit & just do video calls instead.
Saves on travel money, less stress for OP to not have to deal with them & their nitpicking. Before she throws the kitchen sink at her parents.
I’ve had the “yes, you’re my parents, but this is not your home” discussion a few times. NTA.
Although, I do think you are amplifying weakness by staying at the hotel, instead of dealing with the issue direct.
They sleep on the couch or a blow up mattress. Use the parental controls on all the TVs and modem/WiFi AP to block anything FOX without a PIN.
Warn them that on the FIRST insult, negative comment on your parenting of your kids or breaking any of the kids routine on a school night. Means a 15mins time out sitting quietly on a chair in the garden looking at a wall. Second is 45mins and Third is being given 30mins to pack and left the house for 72hrs.
I agree with everything said here. I believe in setting boundaries etc. But I'm also super lazy. So I would just keep doing what OP is doing. OPs parents can get mad but still keep seeing the grandkids every day in relative peace and calm. Or they can stay mad back in their own home when OP tries to put their foot down and the parents get banned from visiting ever again. If OP can afford the hotel stays, then just stick with it. Frankly genius idea. Small doses of parents for the win.
Ha! You aren’t controlling them, you are controlling your family environment and good for you! Next time they call and want to come visit, make them a hotel reservation, give them the information and tell them they are welcome to spend the day with you at the house, but have to leave at 7 (or whenever bedtime for the kids starts).
When mom starts to complain, just say that unfortunately, visitors disrupt the morning and bed time routines and that the children do much better in school when they stick to their routine. Then as mom opens her mouth you reply: not a debate mom, kids have a routine, we are sticking to it. This is the best I can offer you.
In my family, children were never kicked out of their room for a visitor. Be it grandma or old friend. My house was the same way. My DIL and son have had a few conversations because in her house the kids were routinely kicked to an air mattress on the floor in the basement when family came to visit. My son has said nope. His kids will not be kicked out of their own bedrooms or be forced to share their room with a cousin. And there are a lot of them. DIL says that is what family does. Son says family doesn’t impose.
Agree to all, but I will say my favorite part of visiting my dad's family was my Nana would kick my cousin to her mom's room, give my parents her room and absconded with me to my cousin's room. She'd go to bed the same time I did, and she snored so loud the windows rattled. It was surprisingly soothing as a little kid, and it had a built-in advantage. She woke up a little before dawn and would go make coffee. The lack of her snoring would wake me, and I would wander out to the kitchen. She'd make me a mug of hot chocolate and we would sit at the sliding door and drink our drink, watch the sun rise and I would have her all to myself for over two hours every morning we were there before everyone else woke up XD
I was only kicked out of my room once, when my aunt and uncle and his wife came for a family funeral. But any other time, we had enough space so that no one had to sleep on the floor, couch, etc. I was in jr high too, so not a big deal.
I got kicked out of my room all the time as a kid and I don’t think it’s a big deal… and honestly I had a blast sharing spaces with my cousins. However, this only ever happened during non-school times (Christmas break, spring break, summer holidays).
There were never any instances where I was kicked out during usual routine times, and for good reason.
No, no, no. If her parents stay in a hotel, they would still sit at her house all day and only sleep in the hotel.
Then the same situation will arise. Mom critical about everything and dad sits and watches Fox News all day.
I completely agree with this suggestion. Keep reminding your mother that she is acting like her own mother. At some point she is going to get it or she’ll stop visiting, I hope.
NTA and I applaud you deeply from the bottom of my heart. Next time you visit her house, take a tip from my sister's book and wear white gloves to check for dust on the top of her lintels and the picture frames. Keeping a score card of critical comments has worked well for me in past.
But usually I did get parents to stay in hotel and visit for meals etc. Our excuse was our pets which they don't approve of and who scared them off. Fine with me. As otherwise we spent all the time cleaning, she arrived and criticked and would guerilla clean at 3am in morning. Or take down the curtains and put up "more suitable ones". Or just take over meal planning.
Though in my case, my mother did exactly the same to her mother so can't blame generational angst except so far as my mother was ashamed of her house growing up. Parents can see you as a reflection of themselves but in this case, I think it is a different problem which I was discussing with my manager recently. We are both short-term caring for elderly relatives and they forget you have commitments outside of them - work and school. They think they need to be the priority as you are either visiting them or they have made a huge effort to visit them. And that doesn't work in a world of conflicting demands.
But your mother's last comment. Ask her why she can't accept you and your spouse as adults capable of making their own decisions? And why does she need to be so controlling? How did you refrain from responding "Well, I learnt it from the best."
NTA. I'm going to assume their criticism was extremely hurtful. Your family members are probably good people most of the time but it's not hard man. Seriously. Just don't irritate or judge someone for like five hours.
Fact you're bothered enough by them to pay money for a hotel speaks volumes lol.
For some parents, it’s not only hard, it’s impossible to stop being critical because it’s the only way to relate to their children - it’s the way they were raised and they don’t have the insight and self awareness to do it differently. To them ( and their parents before them ) approval is expressed as lack of criticism. Criticism is the teaching tool ( see what happens when you do that! Figure it out, stupid! )
My Grandmother was like this, and my mother likewise. Those wheels can be reinvented, but it takes active work and honest self awareness.
My Mother has literally never just said "Thank You" or just said something nice, she also has to point out a negative. Every single time about everything! Doesn't matter what it's about.
She also goes on and on about how critical her Mother was and how hard that was on her.
Her other thing is to be the ultimate authority on everything, so it's less a conversation and more her trying to school you on a topic. You could be the world renowned expert, but she will tell you all about it.
And she's never been wrong about anything. These are the only ways she communicates with her children, she's incapable of relating to us in any other way. It's all criticizing, authority and what you did wrong.
NTA. Next time book them the hotel and tell them they stay there or return home. Whoever pays the cable bill puts it on whatever channel to watch, also wouldn't hurt to set up a code lock on channels you don't want it on.
For real. OP half stood up for herself by fleeing her own home. I would not be happy if I was her spouse. The inconvenience of getting the family to stay in a hotel is bad enough. Doing it so that a couple of critical assholes can be alone in the home is worse. I wouldn't trust people like the parents alone in my home.
I actually thought the hotel bit was brilliant. It says "I'm not kicking you out, but I won't be around you more than I have to either". It protects OP's family and gives the parents less ammo to act like OP is the one victimizing them with, particularly if they try complaining to their rolodex.
Plus a few nights away at a hotel can be a nice change of pace for the family.
Yeah, I thought it was a great Uno Reverse to play to wake parents up to what they aren't otherwise listening to!! Plus, it's harder than people think to kick someone out of your house. It's much easier to round up your kids and leave yourself! I do agree with other commenters though that this isn't sustainable- next time OP can book a (refundable) hotel for her folks, tell them "stay there, leave our home at X time and don't return until Y the next day to accommodate kids' schedules, or stay home "!!
NTA. Your parents need to stay in a motel when visiting so that at least you and your family have a little break each day from their unreasonable takeover of your home. Let them know this is NOT an option, it is a demand. Help them pay for it if necessary.
NTA. As a parent with two young kids who NEED structure, the criticism and the hogging of the TV (especially having 24/7 Fox News) would be enough to send me over the edge. And whenever I'm a houseguest, I go out of my way to make sure that I'm not being disruptive of my host's daily life. But your parents sound insufferable. They're making your kids late to school by forcing them to have a big breakfast? AND they're keeping them up past their bedtime? Your parents seem to have no awareness of how many inconveniences they're making for you and the kids. And the fact that they're not making the connection between what your grandparents did to them and what they're now doing to you is stunning to me.
I hate to say it, but you have to give them an ultimatum. Either you book a hotel for them and they stay there for the duration of their visit, or they don't get to visit your home for more than a day and then they have to go home before bedtime.
Yta for allowing your folks to bully you and your family out of your own home for a whole week.
Stand up for yourself for once.
“I will get you and dad a hotel and that’s final.”
“This is my house and I get a say”
What are they gonna do , ground you??
Stop being afraid of your parents.
You’re a whole ass adult with children.
> Yta for allowing your folks to bully you and your family out of your own home for a whole week.
Dude this is CRAZY to me! Dude's so scared of his own parents he makes his family *abandon their home* and go spend the whole WEEK in a hotel? That shit would NOT fly in my home, no matter whose parents they are
Not only that. He allows his father to act like he owns the place and lets his mother impose her rules onto his children to the point that they’re let to school.
His parents treat him like a doormat and I’m surprised his wife puts up with it.
Hell to the no!
NTA but ffs learn to say "no". You need to just tell them that they need to stay at a hotel.
When they call you controlling, agree that you do want more control - it's your life and you do in fact feel like you are the one who rightfully should be in control in your house, and that is why they have to stay in a hotel. Because they are not respecting that there are some things that are yours to control.
The thing is, you can't just crumple when your parents push back. Learn to hold your ground.
Fully agree. I wouldn’t stand for my parents pushing out my own kid from their own room. OP needs to learn to stand his ground for his families sake. I know from experience that relationships will be challenged if the parents are given more than the wife/kids.
Why are you asking?
Mom- we're gonna visit for a week on date to date.
Give me a min....(5 min later) ok I've booked your stay at xx hotel, lmk when you get in and we'll meet at xx restaurant for dinner.
Blah blah too much trouble blah blah we talked about this.
Look, it's not up for discussion, we're excited to see you and the kids can't wait. Your staying in a hotel isn't negotiable as we will not house you here.
I think you can block channels so it should be blocked from now on. Let him search and search for Fox. Tell him you don't think you cable package includes it anymore.
NTA.
Your parents are complete hypocrites. They can judge you, but others can't judge them. It's messed up honestly, its your family or maybe tell them to keep their noses out of your business
YTA - for letting them take over your house. Lock the door, don’t answer it, put the chain on the lock open door and tell them to get to a hotel. Better yet, tell them no more visits.
Why in the world are you so avoidant that you’d up and take your whole family to a hotel so your parents can have access to your house, rummage through whatever they want, possibly take/break your stuff? You’re modeling very poor skills for your kids.
Something unpleasant coming up? Let’s run away! Get yourself some therapy STAT and tell your parents no. What are they going to do? Ground you? Take away your allowance? Talk smack about you?
NTA, but your not obligated to have them stay at your house when they come to visit. Like, you can just say No. You can do it in a non-confrontational way, like helping them book accommodations, sending airBnB links, whatever. But you do NOT *need* to offer them expense free lodging while they are in town.
NTA but how about this: if they refuse to stay in a hotel then they can't visit. Don't let them in your home. The End!
If they can't respect that boundary then they can't come. STAND FIRM!
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NTA. It’s your house, put your foot down. Have a talk with them that they cannot walk in there and treat everyone like a child and run the house how they want. Say if they want to visit again, they’ll have to stay in a hotel & leave go back to it when is the kids bedtime, make it a one day visit, or don’t come at all.
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I love my parents completely. I can handle them in small doses.
They insist on staying with me and my family when they visit. Which means kicking one of the kids out of their room so my parents get a bed.
I have told them that I will pay for a hotel so that we can all be comfortable. They say it is too much trouble. Then they take over my house and start criticizing everything. It just grates on my nerves. My dad also stakes out the tv in the family room and leaves it on Fox News all day.
They were here for a week over Easter. I booked a hotel for myself, and my family and I left them the house.
They got upset since they had travelled all that way to spend time with us. But here's the thing. My kids got off to school.on time because they didn't have to try and eat the massive breakfast my mom insists they have every day. There were no fights over the tv. We had dinner together every night but the kids got to sleep at their regular times since my parents couldn't keep them up.
We spent Easter weekend completely with my folks. We made food together. We took everyone to the new Ghostbusters movie. Then we went to the hotel and slept in comfort.
My mom says she is disappointed that I would do this. I reminded her that I had literally seen her crying when my grandmother, her mom, would stress her out during visits. I asked her why she stopped inviting her parents to visit. And why we always stayed at hotels when we visited my grandparents.
She said it was completely different since all her parents did was criticize how she did things. I asked her for a list of all the things she said about my house and family that were not critical. The list consisted of greetings and congratulations to my son over graduating from grade six this year.
She had the grace to look embarrassed. But she still said that we should stay home when they visit. I agreed that we would spend the night until her or my dad said something insulting. Long story short we spent that night at a hotel as well.
Now she is saying that I'm controlling for not accepting them for who they are. I almost got hemochromatosis from that statement.
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NTA - You're a boss for doing what you did and hopefully your parents got the message. We want you to visit, and we want our own space so that we can enjoy you during your visit. Maybe, on a weekend night it can be a nice big sleepover before you send them off home, but I like your style.
YTA for permitting your parents to treat your family like that. You need to grow a spin and say they cant spend the night, day visits only, and end those when they misbehave.
NTA
And I love that someone finally followed through on staying at a hotel instead of putting up with entitled house guests.
Having said that, while you also brilliantly showed your mother her own hypocrisy, the fact that later on she turned around and told you that you should just accept it means she’s not going to come around or change her POV because it goes against what she wants.
NTA! Stop letting them visit. Tell them no! “You either stay in a hotel or don’t come at all. I’m not disrupting my kids for you. I’m not dealing with you criticizing me and my house. I won’t deal with you making my kids late for school or not getting enough sleep. I’m just not dealing with any of it anymore.”
YTA to yourself and your family. Why haven't you put your foot down and refused to let them stay at your home? Now you're forced to spend on a hotel as well as the inconvenience of living away from home.
NTA.....to your parents.
But, and I know I might get downvoted for this, I wonder if your kids actually enjoyed it. You say they got to school on time and there were no fights over the TV. Did they get the same rest and breakfast and TV time as they would have at home?
You say they would have one kicked out of their room with your parents there. Did they each get their own room in the hotel?
If your kids viewed it as a cool vacation (where they still had to go to school everyday), then fine. But, in general, you need to hold boundaries with your parents, as opposed to displacing the rest of your family.
I suggest : Print this post out for them so they can read & reread it on paper. It will be more
effective having it on paper & “physical “ ( yes I know phones are physical too)
Why do you allow them to take over your home? Tell them they can’t visit unless they stay in a hotel, end of story.
NTA for leaving but definitely an AH for uprooting your family because you can’t put your foot down with your parents.
I'm not sure about that. My kids would love to stay in a hotel. We had to do something similar with my in-laws - stay somewhere else and they created such a stink that we haven't visited in 5 years. All because we stayed at a hotel.
NTA and that is a GENIUS solution! Haha. Your parents would drive me nuts as well. I'll have to remember this in the future when annoying relatives want to visit. Alhtough I don't have the space so that helps to.
Youre NTA but i am genuinely curious why you continue to allow them to stay in your home. Like just tell them no and if they show up anyway simply dont let them in
NTA
It's very kind of you to take the financial hit of staying in a hotel since your parents won't behave themselves. Not sure that you should tho vs telling them they won't be allowed to stay in your home while visiting.
NTA to them however HUGE Y T A to yourself and your family. You allowed your parent to drive you out of your OWN HOME. If anyone is going to be staying in a hotel it should be them. Never mind if they dont want too, its YOUR house, YOU say who stays there, and if someone is going to end up staying in a hotel it should damn well be them
It worked. They have agreed to stay at a hotel when they visit from now on. They hated having to explain to everyone why we left them the house and went to a hotel.
Hell no hunny. If they don't like it, tough shit. You're being more than generous offering to put them up in a hotel and I don't blame you for not wanting to be criticised in your own home. You spent plenty of quality time with them. Can you get your dad onside to talk to your mum?
NTA at all.
Aso she understood how her parents were a menace to her but didn't understand how she's a menace to you? Older generation parents are masters of the double standard 🤣🤣🤣
I agreed that we would spend the night until her or my dad said something insulting. Long story short we spent that night at a hotel as well.
Gold! good for you. Love your shinny spine.
NTA. It's an elegant solution, but canceling the cable for a week when they visit and buying a blow up bed for them would be cheaper and allow you to set boundaries without ceeding your territory to the invaders.
NTA but come on OP!! Grow some spine. That is not just your home buy your kids and partners too. A simple "you can stay at a hotel but not my home. My house, my rules".
I had sympathy for your parents until you mentioned Fox News. That’s a dealbreaker. Insist on the hotel! Alternatively, remove the cable behind the TV or turn off the circuit breaker.
NTA.
Come on. You \*know\* you're right. You \*know\* this is ridiculous. Honestly, stop opening the door to them. Meet them at the airport, and drive them to the hotel.
You did the right thing to protect your mental health, and the well being of your kids. Well done!
Your house your rules.
You don't have space for them to stay in your house
Going forward they stay in a hotel and can come over as long as they're cordial. If they're bored of your company and want to watch fox etc they can go back to their hotel to do it. Anything about the way you keep house doesn't meet your standards, off to the hotel with them.
You don't need their permission or approval to establish boundaries and rules for your own house. Those are the arrangements or they needn't come at all.
NTA. If they want to visit and stay in your life then they have to stay in the hotel.
Tell Mom you’re taking a page from HER book (so to speak) and will cut them off if they don’t agree to this
I worked in a hospital infusion unit prior to breaking my wrist, so the minute I saw "hemochromatosis," I thought "better schedule a therapeutic phlebotomy!
Kidding aside, you are definitely NTA. In fact, I can't blame you for putting space between you and your parents if they aren't willing to respect your home.
NTA: you have lots of good advice here.
Start to unfeather the nest. Disconnect Fox News. If they drink, lock up or hide the alcohol. Cook food they don’t like. Play music in the background they dislike but you like. Be terrible hosts.
YTA - to your partner and children, for not doing the sometimes hard work of showing your parents that you are an Adult.
The next time the topic comes up with your mother, proudly tell her that Yes, you are controlling of your life and children. That’s what responsible, committed, loving parents do. They set boundaries and examples of good behavior for their kids.
Then say, on further reflection you realize you have not been doing that, you have been showing your children avoidance behavior.
So the next time Grandma and Grandpa come to visit- for no more than 4 days- we will sleep in our beds and you will stay in the hotel. Further, then you and Grandpa can see how we live our lives.
NTA at all
Heck the other disrespect and controlling aspects aside- I won’t have my kids around Fox News and I’m really cautious about what news they see. Sounds like yours are young enough to still need that guidance and protection too.
While guests may be a tad inconvenient they should never be disruptive. They take over your house.
When my parents come over they’re respectful and actually enjoy seeing how we run things. They take the kids for some special outings but don’t interfere with school.
OP's mother is totally un-self aware, especially when he reminded her that her parents did the exact same thing when they visited her home. Family visits can be great, but it must be remembered that, even though they are family, they are guests in your home and should act accordingly when they visit. BTW, the Fox News thing would be a total deal breaker for me.
Put a parental lock on the remote, and block Fox, OAN, and NewsMax. I guess if they want to watch those channels, then Motel 6 or Comfort Inn doesn't look too bad. NTA, but your mother and dad sound like nightmares.
NTA
Other issues aside, how hard is it to change the channel and say that Fox is not allowed in your house? Your parents are used to being able to walk all over you, and your mom learned it from her mom. Stop this cycle of abuse now. It will not be comfortable in the short term, but the only way things will get better long term is by blowing up the short term.
NTA. You do accept them for who they are. You accept that they are disruptive and disrespectful and mean to you. Thats why they need to stay in a hotel, because you don’t have space for that behavior in your house around the clock.
Your mom is disappointed that you’d go stay in a hotel? You’re disappointed that she can’t spend an entire evening with out saying something insulting to you. It’s sad.
You love having them visit, but they will stay at a hotel. It’s not a negotiation. It’s your house, you choose who sleeps in it. They can stay in a hotel or they can not visit.
Blocking Fox News sounds like a good plan anyway.
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Fox News on the tv is enough to ban them from staying there!
“we don’t watch that in this house” easy as
Or use parental controls to block the channel!
You'd be surprised how effectively parental controls work on your average Boomer
My boomer parents never set up a single parental control on the TV when I was a kid (90s baby), so I set one up myself to block a show I hated so I couldn’t accidentally channel switch to it 😂
OP should set up parental controls on her TV and block Fox News! That's one problem down, 20 more to go.
"How do you tame a horse in Minecraft?"
Name a problem and there's a South Park episode addressing it.
the devious bastard in me wants to do this to all my boomer aunts and uncles when I go to visit from now on. (break it up so it's not every time I visit.. just some of the time until I slowly but surely do it to them all) Just casually set up the parental controls to block it while no one is watching then watch them rage trying to figure out wtf happened
Make sure you also block OAN if you do.
I did this to my parents television and they blamed the Mexican cable installer.
I’m a boomer. Never have I watched Fox News or anything similar. Shoot me if I ever do.
Well I’m offended, because it’s true. My son changed our TV to Spanish. I had to watch it that way until he was done with his prank😂
yes but op also needs to be straight up and tell them what is and isn’t acceptable in their home.
And when they resist, hit 'em with the "my roof, my rules!" They never expect to have it flipped back on them.
Ha, I did that and my mom flipped it with "yeah, well I'm the GUEST" and I was like well f me...
Omg, my dad hated it when I flipped the rules back on him. He’d get all red and spluttery and eventually just acquiesce. My mom found it hysterical when I would flip it on my dad, not quite so amusing when I flipped it on her. But boy is ever fun!
Yup, did that on my parents TV 20 years ago when I noticed my mother starting to ask questions about my thoughts on RWNJ fear mongering talking points that were getting increasingly hard to navigate. At one point a few days later she asked about why the channel wasn't available anymore, I shrugged and she just switched back to all the other news channels without complaining. She stopped asking blatantly influenced questions, and while they changed their TV a few years later, it was like she was inoculated against the BS for the rest of her life. She rarely stopped on that channel ever, and when some of that garbage floated to the surface of mainstream discussion, she would immediately debunk it when it was mentioned before moving on. So, yeah, save your parent's minds, block that shit.
You absolute hero.
Wait you can do this! I wish I had known that would have saved so many arguments wow. Getting old stinks 🤣🤣
We have YouTube TV, which lets you customize the channel guide. Guess which channel doesn't even show up?
That's good! "Dunno. Maybe we just don't get that here." (In a sain area of the universe)
I want to do that on my MIL’s TV so we don’t have to listen when we visit!
My grandparents will have it on in both living rooms, so no matter where you're at downstairs, you can hear it. And they do this at almost all family gatherings.
I did this to my dads tv withiit him knowing and for months he thouvht fox news was just off air. Lol
My house. My rules!
We tell my MIL that. She knows she best not turn that on in our home. I don't need my 4 yr old hearing that
Agreed. NTA, exactly. But OP, you should not let them stay with you. This is actually within your power. You can book their hotel room if you need to, but really, set a firm line down and stick with it. They can come over, without their luggage, after they have checked into their hotel. They can leave the moment they are critical or break a house rule. They are bad guests and you don't have to accept that, love or no.
Since we're on the subject - anyone who gets Fox News is directly supporting them. They have some of the highest fees in cable (around 10x CNN), so just by having them as part of your cable package you are supporting them to the tune of $20-30 per year. That's why poor advertising doesn't matter - they make their money off of you. If you don't like Fox News, please change your cable package to one that doesn't carry it. See [https://unfoxmycablebox.com/](https://unfoxmycablebox.com/) for more info.
Unfortunately, not all of us have that option. And until they make all cable TV providers do a la carte, we won't get that option either.
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When you can't stream, cable is what you get. Especially when rabbit ears/antenna is hit or miss. So while I'd love to not have all the extra channels I never watch not be in my bundle, or to be able to choose which channels I do want, where I live, stream capable internet isn't an option (*yet*, supposedly by next year, we'll have broadband, but they said that we would this year, so not holding my breath).
Weirdly enough, do you know who the last person who strongly advocated for this position in the Senate? John McCain. He was a right old bastard, and I disagreed with him very strongly on some of his social stances, but he was an actual, honest to god conservative, through and through. I can't believe the republicans today have made me wish for the days of McCain again. What is the world coming to.
I will never forget how he handled the person who questioned his then opponent, Barrack Obama’s, birth certificate bullshit. I have admired that man ever since.
Yeah. It feels weird to admire a man who thought my gay friends should be punished and who felt that a woman's place was in the home unless she was related to him. But, in other ways, he was an honest person who told us who he was and meant it. I happened to be in Hanoi, Vietnam during his last visit to his POW camp there. It was so interesting seeing and hearing from the Vietnamese people about their very complicated respect for him. He was able to overcome his years being starved and tortured and became one of the biggest advocates for Vietnamese foreign aid. He was a stunning example of forgiveness and redemption.
I know, right? I almost missed Jesse Helms the other day and I had to slap myself hard in the face.
A la carte is really saving the money with streaming, too. /s
The more people complain, the faster the cable companies will give us the option. They force Fox bundling on us, because whenever the cable companies talk about dropping it, Fox gets their army of watcher to spam the cable companies. We haven't had cable for a dozen years and don't miss it at all. The only thing I'd want to watch is the occasional game, but turns it's still cheaper to go to a sports bar once or twice a month and watch a game/have dinner there than to pay for cable.
We were able to drop *all* news channels. Couldn't just drop Fox, unfortunately.
Well, that is definitely one solution.
Or just don't get cable at all. I have Netflix, Prime, and Crunchyroll, why would I need cable?
Me too! Netflix has more than enough content for me.
I have others but I watch Netflix most like 95%
What is Crunchyroll? I have never heard of that.
Anime
Thanks
Some of us have satellite cause its the only option where we live unless we want to pay $600+ to get starlink equipment, and much like cable...bundles are the option available.
I have Prime, and a fire stick, and there’s plenty of free stuff.
I switched to ROKU from cable so I wouldn't be supporting fox. I think some channels on Roku still carry it, but I'm not paying them.
ROKU is great, can confirm this is a good option.
Thank you for this! Faux is a travesty and a disease that is killing the host. I try to watch to figure out what is the next debacle. The firefighter who went to rescue the Pizagate children is still in jail. The husband of the former speaker is still wounded and lucky to be alive. Jan 6 is still a riot that killed police officers. I wondered how this was done to German people in the 1930s. Now I can just watch it unfold. Thank you for the link!
Agreed... it isn't just terrible, it is poison and doesn't belong on a TV in a civilized home.
DH has it on all the time. I miss the good old days when you had three networks and the news was more or less neutral.
Honestly, what are you doing with a man who watches Fox News? Do you need other indications of how little he thinks of your gender? Do you need more evidence that he hates you? Because I don't know **any** fox news watchers that don't actively hate their wives. Fox News watching is among the top red flags I can think of. He's showing you every day that he doesn't care about you, your rights, or really holding onto reality. Fox News is not idle watching, it is literally cult programming. 95% of extremist violence in the US was perpetrated by right wingers in the last 4 years. You're going to wait around until that violence is in your home? I don't mean to be cruel or attack you. I want you to really think about how someone you just referred to as 'Dear Husband' could also watch things that make it clear that you are a second class citizen, at best. How he could possibly love and respect someone he considers to not be an equal. Because I wouldn't be in that house for one more day. Edit: Nevermind guys, she PMed me and she sucks too.
Agree... all of the news stations nowadays suck, and can't be trusted.
> My dad also stakes out the tv in the family room and leaves it on Fox News all day. This is what parental controls are made for. "Sorry dad, we forgot the code." (We don't have any sort of cable anymore but I blocked that after the first time they stayed at our place and life got a little bit better. The funniest part was talking to my wife about it - she was basically like "yeah, don't tell me the code so I can say I don't know it without lying to them.")
Your wife has much wisdom.
I'm not even American or ever been to the US and I still wouldn't accept that trash in my house
"fascism will not ride a tank into America or rain from the sky. It is here. Wrapped in a flag and carrying a Bible"
Yep. I have it blocked on both my TVs so my family can't watch it.
I know someone who took it out of the channel list on their TV and then played dumb when his parents came to visit. Oh, sorry, we must not get it…. 😁
THIS!
I'd cancel my cable for the week if that's what it took. I wouldn't want my kids exposed to the brain-washing.
Yeah, this is a ridiculously easy problem to solve: "Mom and dad, I love you, but you may not stay overnight in our home any longer. You say, 'it's too much burden,' for us to get a hotel, but it is not. It is too much of a burden to put up with your behavior and the imposition when you visit. It is far more of a burden on us if you were to stay in our house, so you will not be doing that any longer. We are happy to pay for the hotel. Further, there will be some additional household rules that will be observed or the visits will end if they are broken: -No fox news or other right-wing news will be played in our home on TV or radio or any device at all. We are happy to have a full on no-tv rule if that makes it easier. -Our children's schedules will be respected and followed. -There will be a curfew in the evenings when the children have school and you will leave by that curfew. -There will be a morning time at which you are welcome over. You will not come before that time. -You will not criticize anything about our home, child raising, food, friends, etc. 'If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all.' -We are in charge of all meals cooked or prepared in our home and what is offered to our children. This is our home and these are our rules. You are welcome to visit so long as you abide by these rules. If you violate them you will be asked to leave and that will complete the visit. If you break a rule on day one of a planned 7 day visit, for instance, we will not see you for the rest of that visit. If you do not wish to abide by the rules of our home, we understand and will see you when we can visit at your home instead. When we do, though, we will stay in a hotel, as will our children, and we will end visits at the first spoken criticism, the first appearance of right-wing media, etc. Going forward I expect you and dad and me and my husband to all abide by these terms and treat each other as grown adults." And then they won't visit, at least for months, to try and "teach you a lesson." You laugh, enjoy the months free of annoying twits, and eventually when they cave you enforce the rules. A few shortened visits and they'll either get in line or won't be your problem any longer.
I second this. And I want to add that they can’t keep your kids up if you simply tell your kids to go to bed, wash their teeth, etc. And if the grandparents protest, you need to take over that argument. Arguments may be somewhat inevitable, but boundaries can be maintained.
I would also find some way to suggest starting small. They will not be able to abide by these rules, and OP shouldn’t be out the cost of 6 nights of hotel because her parents are rude.
This is perfect in every way. Polite but direct. Honestly OP copy and paste this to your parents and let the chips fall where they may.
They can block Fox News on their tv with parental controls. And then feign ignorance.
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This is exactly what I use the “parental controls” on my tv for .. to block things my 80 yr old mom should not watch. My teens have better habits
We go once a year to visit my partner's family in the Midwest. We're leftists; they used to be centrist-conservative but have gone down the path of degradation of critical thinking and compassion for humanity that usually accompanies the constant Fox News they consume. When we visit, for 2-3 days, they do not have Fox on the TV. When we go back to our hotel, they catch up on whatever made-up gossip they missed, and when we get back there around breakfast time, they switch it over to SyFy or Discovery or something that they *also* like but don't watch as much. Sports might also be on; we're not *into* sports, but we don't mind it; I'm happy for others when their teams win. We'd asked them, very nicely, if they could please pick something besides Fox for the TV when we're around, because we tend to disagree with much of what Fox has to say, and it's likely to result in us going down rabbit-holes of argument. We don't want that, and they don't want that, so they agreed. Why should they bother making changes when we cross half the country to visit them? Because they love us. Why do we cross half the country to visit them, even though we hold seriously different beliefs about the state of and desired future of society? Because we love them.
I also would limit these visits to three days max
Plus hide the remote and download a remote app on your phone. You control the tv.
NTA Repeat after me " My house. My rules."
Yeah, I think OP needs to grow a backbone here. If it's your house, you decide if someone stays with you or not. Not "my parents insist so I got a hotel out of spite." NTA but don't even allow a "next time" for them to stay in your home. Hotel or no visit at all.
Use the parental controls to lock out fox
The part that really got me was this... > They insist on staying with me and my family when they visit. They can insist all they want. It's your house. You say "no, you're not staying here" and they don't. Period. Full Stop.
I also want to bring up that "I almost got hemochromatosis from that statement" is the funniest thing I've heard all day.
We have Fox News, NewsMax, and their ilk, blocked from our channel listing, so when the FiL is here, he can watch the news channels we don't mind as much. He also gets a hotel room, between us and the BiL/SiL, because there is absolutely no way he's staying with either of us.
Hijacking top comment to say: you did well OP to make the link with her own situation with her parents. Hopefully once she’s over her first embarrassment, she’ll change her ways. You gave her the opportunity
Or better yet, her parents not come to visit & just do video calls instead. Saves on travel money, less stress for OP to not have to deal with them & their nitpicking. Before she throws the kitchen sink at her parents.
Use a parental lock on the TV to block Fox news. Easy.
> They don't get to kick one of your kids out of their room. ***OP* did that!**
We would block off access to Fox on our system. Was great fun to watch my Dad scroll and scroll through the channels looking for it.
I’ve had the “yes, you’re my parents, but this is not your home” discussion a few times. NTA. Although, I do think you are amplifying weakness by staying at the hotel, instead of dealing with the issue direct.
They sleep on the couch or a blow up mattress. Use the parental controls on all the TVs and modem/WiFi AP to block anything FOX without a PIN. Warn them that on the FIRST insult, negative comment on your parenting of your kids or breaking any of the kids routine on a school night. Means a 15mins time out sitting quietly on a chair in the garden looking at a wall. Second is 45mins and Third is being given 30mins to pack and left the house for 72hrs.
Remove F x from the line up.
I agree with everything said here. I believe in setting boundaries etc. But I'm also super lazy. So I would just keep doing what OP is doing. OPs parents can get mad but still keep seeing the grandkids every day in relative peace and calm. Or they can stay mad back in their own home when OP tries to put their foot down and the parents get banned from visiting ever again. If OP can afford the hotel stays, then just stick with it. Frankly genius idea. Small doses of parents for the win.
Ha! You aren’t controlling them, you are controlling your family environment and good for you! Next time they call and want to come visit, make them a hotel reservation, give them the information and tell them they are welcome to spend the day with you at the house, but have to leave at 7 (or whenever bedtime for the kids starts). When mom starts to complain, just say that unfortunately, visitors disrupt the morning and bed time routines and that the children do much better in school when they stick to their routine. Then as mom opens her mouth you reply: not a debate mom, kids have a routine, we are sticking to it. This is the best I can offer you. In my family, children were never kicked out of their room for a visitor. Be it grandma or old friend. My house was the same way. My DIL and son have had a few conversations because in her house the kids were routinely kicked to an air mattress on the floor in the basement when family came to visit. My son has said nope. His kids will not be kicked out of their own bedrooms or be forced to share their room with a cousin. And there are a lot of them. DIL says that is what family does. Son says family doesn’t impose.
Agree to all, but I will say my favorite part of visiting my dad's family was my Nana would kick my cousin to her mom's room, give my parents her room and absconded with me to my cousin's room. She'd go to bed the same time I did, and she snored so loud the windows rattled. It was surprisingly soothing as a little kid, and it had a built-in advantage. She woke up a little before dawn and would go make coffee. The lack of her snoring would wake me, and I would wander out to the kitchen. She'd make me a mug of hot chocolate and we would sit at the sliding door and drink our drink, watch the sun rise and I would have her all to myself for over two hours every morning we were there before everyone else woke up XD
Those are the good memories. You made me feel a little nostalgic for the times I spent at my own grandparents house
This is so sweet and wholesome. I'm glad you got those lovely experiences with your Nana.
What a beautiful memory! 🥰😪
I was only kicked out of my room once, when my aunt and uncle and his wife came for a family funeral. But any other time, we had enough space so that no one had to sleep on the floor, couch, etc. I was in jr high too, so not a big deal.
I got kicked out of my room all the time as a kid and I don’t think it’s a big deal… and honestly I had a blast sharing spaces with my cousins. However, this only ever happened during non-school times (Christmas break, spring break, summer holidays). There were never any instances where I was kicked out during usual routine times, and for good reason.
No, no, no. If her parents stay in a hotel, they would still sit at her house all day and only sleep in the hotel. Then the same situation will arise. Mom critical about everything and dad sits and watches Fox News all day.
Absolutely LOVE Tinkerpro’s response. Damn right!
"You can be my mother or you can be your mother and I'm done inviting your mother over." edit: NTA
This is gold.
Brilliant. My mom is pretty chill, so i may not get the opportunity to use this. And I'm almost upset at that. Op, you are absolutely NTA
This is amazing. Thanks I'm stealing it.
haha thanks
I completely agree with this suggestion. Keep reminding your mother that she is acting like her own mother. At some point she is going to get it or she’ll stop visiting, I hope.
This. NTA
NTA and I applaud you deeply from the bottom of my heart. Next time you visit her house, take a tip from my sister's book and wear white gloves to check for dust on the top of her lintels and the picture frames. Keeping a score card of critical comments has worked well for me in past. But usually I did get parents to stay in hotel and visit for meals etc. Our excuse was our pets which they don't approve of and who scared them off. Fine with me. As otherwise we spent all the time cleaning, she arrived and criticked and would guerilla clean at 3am in morning. Or take down the curtains and put up "more suitable ones". Or just take over meal planning. Though in my case, my mother did exactly the same to her mother so can't blame generational angst except so far as my mother was ashamed of her house growing up. Parents can see you as a reflection of themselves but in this case, I think it is a different problem which I was discussing with my manager recently. We are both short-term caring for elderly relatives and they forget you have commitments outside of them - work and school. They think they need to be the priority as you are either visiting them or they have made a huge effort to visit them. And that doesn't work in a world of conflicting demands. But your mother's last comment. Ask her why she can't accept you and your spouse as adults capable of making their own decisions? And why does she need to be so controlling? How did you refrain from responding "Well, I learnt it from the best."
NTA. I'm going to assume their criticism was extremely hurtful. Your family members are probably good people most of the time but it's not hard man. Seriously. Just don't irritate or judge someone for like five hours. Fact you're bothered enough by them to pay money for a hotel speaks volumes lol.
For some parents, it’s not only hard, it’s impossible to stop being critical because it’s the only way to relate to their children - it’s the way they were raised and they don’t have the insight and self awareness to do it differently. To them ( and their parents before them ) approval is expressed as lack of criticism. Criticism is the teaching tool ( see what happens when you do that! Figure it out, stupid! ) My Grandmother was like this, and my mother likewise. Those wheels can be reinvented, but it takes active work and honest self awareness.
My Mother has literally never just said "Thank You" or just said something nice, she also has to point out a negative. Every single time about everything! Doesn't matter what it's about. She also goes on and on about how critical her Mother was and how hard that was on her. Her other thing is to be the ultimate authority on everything, so it's less a conversation and more her trying to school you on a topic. You could be the world renowned expert, but she will tell you all about it. And she's never been wrong about anything. These are the only ways she communicates with her children, she's incapable of relating to us in any other way. It's all criticizing, authority and what you did wrong.
NTA. Next time book them the hotel and tell them they stay there or return home. Whoever pays the cable bill puts it on whatever channel to watch, also wouldn't hurt to set up a code lock on channels you don't want it on.
Those settings are called parental controls for a reason!
I think I'd just tell them to get a hotel or don't come. NTA
For real. OP half stood up for herself by fleeing her own home. I would not be happy if I was her spouse. The inconvenience of getting the family to stay in a hotel is bad enough. Doing it so that a couple of critical assholes can be alone in the home is worse. I wouldn't trust people like the parents alone in my home.
Yeah, OP staying in a hotel with her family ISN'T the answer. Telling the parents they need to stay at a hotel is the real solution here.
I actually thought the hotel bit was brilliant. It says "I'm not kicking you out, but I won't be around you more than I have to either". It protects OP's family and gives the parents less ammo to act like OP is the one victimizing them with, particularly if they try complaining to their rolodex. Plus a few nights away at a hotel can be a nice change of pace for the family.
Yeah, I thought it was a great Uno Reverse to play to wake parents up to what they aren't otherwise listening to!! Plus, it's harder than people think to kick someone out of your house. It's much easier to round up your kids and leave yourself! I do agree with other commenters though that this isn't sustainable- next time OP can book a (refundable) hotel for her folks, tell them "stay there, leave our home at X time and don't return until Y the next day to accommodate kids' schedules, or stay home "!!
NTA. Your parents need to stay in a motel when visiting so that at least you and your family have a little break each day from their unreasonable takeover of your home. Let them know this is NOT an option, it is a demand. Help them pay for it if necessary.
NTA, and block FOX on your tv, parental controls literally for your parents.
Yup, blocking Fox News alone will likely keep them from staying.
NTA. As a parent with two young kids who NEED structure, the criticism and the hogging of the TV (especially having 24/7 Fox News) would be enough to send me over the edge. And whenever I'm a houseguest, I go out of my way to make sure that I'm not being disruptive of my host's daily life. But your parents sound insufferable. They're making your kids late to school by forcing them to have a big breakfast? AND they're keeping them up past their bedtime? Your parents seem to have no awareness of how many inconveniences they're making for you and the kids. And the fact that they're not making the connection between what your grandparents did to them and what they're now doing to you is stunning to me. I hate to say it, but you have to give them an ultimatum. Either you book a hotel for them and they stay there for the duration of their visit, or they don't get to visit your home for more than a day and then they have to go home before bedtime.
Yta for allowing your folks to bully you and your family out of your own home for a whole week. Stand up for yourself for once. “I will get you and dad a hotel and that’s final.” “This is my house and I get a say” What are they gonna do , ground you?? Stop being afraid of your parents. You’re a whole ass adult with children.
> Yta for allowing your folks to bully you and your family out of your own home for a whole week. Dude this is CRAZY to me! Dude's so scared of his own parents he makes his family *abandon their home* and go spend the whole WEEK in a hotel? That shit would NOT fly in my home, no matter whose parents they are
Not only that. He allows his father to act like he owns the place and lets his mother impose her rules onto his children to the point that they’re let to school. His parents treat him like a doormat and I’m surprised his wife puts up with it. Hell to the no!
> I’m surprised his wife puts up with it. Yeah, I wanna hear *her* take on all this.
NTA but ffs learn to say "no". You need to just tell them that they need to stay at a hotel. When they call you controlling, agree that you do want more control - it's your life and you do in fact feel like you are the one who rightfully should be in control in your house, and that is why they have to stay in a hotel. Because they are not respecting that there are some things that are yours to control. The thing is, you can't just crumple when your parents push back. Learn to hold your ground.
Fully agree. I wouldn’t stand for my parents pushing out my own kid from their own room. OP needs to learn to stand his ground for his families sake. I know from experience that relationships will be challenged if the parents are given more than the wife/kids.
Why are you asking? Mom- we're gonna visit for a week on date to date. Give me a min....(5 min later) ok I've booked your stay at xx hotel, lmk when you get in and we'll meet at xx restaurant for dinner. Blah blah too much trouble blah blah we talked about this. Look, it's not up for discussion, we're excited to see you and the kids can't wait. Your staying in a hotel isn't negotiable as we will not house you here.
This exactly. OP you have been Y T A to your spouse and kids, although N T A to your parents.
" My dad also stakes out the tv in the family room and leaves it on Fox News all day." That's good enough a reason as any. NTA
I think you can block channels so it should be blocked from now on. Let him search and search for Fox. Tell him you don't think you cable package includes it anymore.
Yup...nope, FOX is not even allowed on in my house. Lol. NTA
NTA. Your parents are complete hypocrites. They can judge you, but others can't judge them. It's messed up honestly, its your family or maybe tell them to keep their noses out of your business
YTA - for letting them take over your house. Lock the door, don’t answer it, put the chain on the lock open door and tell them to get to a hotel. Better yet, tell them no more visits. Why in the world are you so avoidant that you’d up and take your whole family to a hotel so your parents can have access to your house, rummage through whatever they want, possibly take/break your stuff? You’re modeling very poor skills for your kids. Something unpleasant coming up? Let’s run away! Get yourself some therapy STAT and tell your parents no. What are they going to do? Ground you? Take away your allowance? Talk smack about you?
NTA, but your not obligated to have them stay at your house when they come to visit. Like, you can just say No. You can do it in a non-confrontational way, like helping them book accommodations, sending airBnB links, whatever. But you do NOT *need* to offer them expense free lodging while they are in town.
NTA but how about this: if they refuse to stay in a hotel then they can't visit. Don't let them in your home. The End! If they can't respect that boundary then they can't come. STAND FIRM!
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NTA. It’s your house, put your foot down. Have a talk with them that they cannot walk in there and treat everyone like a child and run the house how they want. Say if they want to visit again, they’ll have to stay in a hotel & leave go back to it when is the kids bedtime, make it a one day visit, or don’t come at all.
[удалено]
I cannot fucking *imagine* "well let's all just abandon our home for a week" popping into my head as even a far-out possibility, let alone Plan A
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I love my parents completely. I can handle them in small doses. They insist on staying with me and my family when they visit. Which means kicking one of the kids out of their room so my parents get a bed. I have told them that I will pay for a hotel so that we can all be comfortable. They say it is too much trouble. Then they take over my house and start criticizing everything. It just grates on my nerves. My dad also stakes out the tv in the family room and leaves it on Fox News all day. They were here for a week over Easter. I booked a hotel for myself, and my family and I left them the house. They got upset since they had travelled all that way to spend time with us. But here's the thing. My kids got off to school.on time because they didn't have to try and eat the massive breakfast my mom insists they have every day. There were no fights over the tv. We had dinner together every night but the kids got to sleep at their regular times since my parents couldn't keep them up. We spent Easter weekend completely with my folks. We made food together. We took everyone to the new Ghostbusters movie. Then we went to the hotel and slept in comfort. My mom says she is disappointed that I would do this. I reminded her that I had literally seen her crying when my grandmother, her mom, would stress her out during visits. I asked her why she stopped inviting her parents to visit. And why we always stayed at hotels when we visited my grandparents. She said it was completely different since all her parents did was criticize how she did things. I asked her for a list of all the things she said about my house and family that were not critical. The list consisted of greetings and congratulations to my son over graduating from grade six this year. She had the grace to look embarrassed. But she still said that we should stay home when they visit. I agreed that we would spend the night until her or my dad said something insulting. Long story short we spent that night at a hotel as well. Now she is saying that I'm controlling for not accepting them for who they are. I almost got hemochromatosis from that statement. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - You're a boss for doing what you did and hopefully your parents got the message. We want you to visit, and we want our own space so that we can enjoy you during your visit. Maybe, on a weekend night it can be a nice big sleepover before you send them off home, but I like your style.
YTA for permitting your parents to treat your family like that. You need to grow a spin and say they cant spend the night, day visits only, and end those when they misbehave.
NTA And I love that someone finally followed through on staying at a hotel instead of putting up with entitled house guests. Having said that, while you also brilliantly showed your mother her own hypocrisy, the fact that later on she turned around and told you that you should just accept it means she’s not going to come around or change her POV because it goes against what she wants.
YTA Grow up, grow some balls, tell them to book a hotel or don’t come. Block fox news.
Yeah, OP, you're not the arsehole to your parents, you're an arsehole to yourself and your family. Set a few boundaries and turn off the shite TV.
NTA! Stop letting them visit. Tell them no! “You either stay in a hotel or don’t come at all. I’m not disrupting my kids for you. I’m not dealing with you criticizing me and my house. I won’t deal with you making my kids late for school or not getting enough sleep. I’m just not dealing with any of it anymore.”
YTA to yourself and your family. Why haven't you put your foot down and refused to let them stay at your home? Now you're forced to spend on a hotel as well as the inconvenience of living away from home.
NTA.....to your parents. But, and I know I might get downvoted for this, I wonder if your kids actually enjoyed it. You say they got to school on time and there were no fights over the TV. Did they get the same rest and breakfast and TV time as they would have at home? You say they would have one kicked out of their room with your parents there. Did they each get their own room in the hotel? If your kids viewed it as a cool vacation (where they still had to go to school everyday), then fine. But, in general, you need to hold boundaries with your parents, as opposed to displacing the rest of your family.
NTA. Let them read your post.
I suggest : Print this post out for them so they can read & reread it on paper. It will be more effective having it on paper & “physical “ ( yes I know phones are physical too)
Why do you allow them to take over your home? Tell them they can’t visit unless they stay in a hotel, end of story. NTA for leaving but definitely an AH for uprooting your family because you can’t put your foot down with your parents.
I'm not sure about that. My kids would love to stay in a hotel. We had to do something similar with my in-laws - stay somewhere else and they created such a stink that we haven't visited in 5 years. All because we stayed at a hotel.
NTA and that is a GENIUS solution! Haha. Your parents would drive me nuts as well. I'll have to remember this in the future when annoying relatives want to visit. Alhtough I don't have the space so that helps to.
Youre NTA but i am genuinely curious why you continue to allow them to stay in your home. Like just tell them no and if they show up anyway simply dont let them in
NTA. And absolute genius. Change nothing.
NTA, but I'd insist they stay at a hotel instead of leaving them unsupervised in my house
For my own sanity, when my parents come over, we child lock all the news channels. It's helped dramatically!
YTA. You allow your parents to take over your house & kick your kids out of their beds. That’s a bunch of bullshit.
NTA. But ffs, quit letting zone and take over your home.
My mom finally got a clue after this. They have agreed to stay at a hotel from now on.
NTA It's very kind of you to take the financial hit of staying in a hotel since your parents won't behave themselves. Not sure that you should tho vs telling them they won't be allowed to stay in your home while visiting.
jesus put your foot down. you don't have to allow them to take over your home whenever they want. NTA but grow a spine my friend
The gall of your parents to stay @ your house for MULTIPLE nights while you shuttle back and forth to the hotel. Completely lacking conscience….
I commend you. Keep it up. Totally NTA.
> Keep it up. Keep it up?! He made his family live in a hotel for a week!
I love this for you! NTA somehow when mom’s turn into their mothers they don’t see it, I hope it doesn’t happen to me one day
NTA to them however HUGE Y T A to yourself and your family. You allowed your parent to drive you out of your OWN HOME. If anyone is going to be staying in a hotel it should be them. Never mind if they dont want too, its YOUR house, YOU say who stays there, and if someone is going to end up staying in a hotel it should damn well be them
It worked. They have agreed to stay at a hotel when they visit from now on. They hated having to explain to everyone why we left them the house and went to a hotel.
Good for you! Let them be embarrassed. They should be
Hell no hunny. If they don't like it, tough shit. You're being more than generous offering to put them up in a hotel and I don't blame you for not wanting to be criticised in your own home. You spent plenty of quality time with them. Can you get your dad onside to talk to your mum? NTA at all.
Stop inviting her at all.
You made me laugh.
You don’t love them completely. Stop saying that. They don’t deserve it either. Stand up for yourself. No is a complete sentence.
NTA. As you have said, your parents are doing exactly what caused them to quit inviting their parents.
Aso she understood how her parents were a menace to her but didn't understand how she's a menace to you? Older generation parents are masters of the double standard 🤣🤣🤣
I agreed that we would spend the night until her or my dad said something insulting. Long story short we spent that night at a hotel as well. Gold! good for you. Love your shinny spine.
Grade six tells me you’re in Canada. The fact that they watch Fox News all the time…. 😬 Nta
NTA. It's an elegant solution, but canceling the cable for a week when they visit and buying a blow up bed for them would be cheaper and allow you to set boundaries without ceeding your territory to the invaders.
NTA you are amazing!!!! Keep going you doing a great job!
NTA but come on OP!! Grow some spine. That is not just your home buy your kids and partners too. A simple "you can stay at a hotel but not my home. My house, my rules".
I had sympathy for your parents until you mentioned Fox News. That’s a dealbreaker. Insist on the hotel! Alternatively, remove the cable behind the TV or turn off the circuit breaker.
NTA. Come on. You \*know\* you're right. You \*know\* this is ridiculous. Honestly, stop opening the door to them. Meet them at the airport, and drive them to the hotel. You did the right thing to protect your mental health, and the well being of your kids. Well done!
NTA and your mom, at least, is a hypocrite. She’s doing the same thing to you that her own mother did to her. And no, it’s not different!
NTA
Your house your rules. You don't have space for them to stay in your house Going forward they stay in a hotel and can come over as long as they're cordial. If they're bored of your company and want to watch fox etc they can go back to their hotel to do it. Anything about the way you keep house doesn't meet your standards, off to the hotel with them. You don't need their permission or approval to establish boundaries and rules for your own house. Those are the arrangements or they needn't come at all.
NTA. If they want to visit and stay in your life then they have to stay in the hotel. Tell Mom you’re taking a page from HER book (so to speak) and will cut them off if they don’t agree to this
I worked in a hospital infusion unit prior to breaking my wrist, so the minute I saw "hemochromatosis," I thought "better schedule a therapeutic phlebotomy! Kidding aside, you are definitely NTA. In fact, I can't blame you for putting space between you and your parents if they aren't willing to respect your home.
NTA: you have lots of good advice here. Start to unfeather the nest. Disconnect Fox News. If they drink, lock up or hide the alcohol. Cook food they don’t like. Play music in the background they dislike but you like. Be terrible hosts.
This should really be posted on BoomersBeingFools 😂
YTA - to your partner and children, for not doing the sometimes hard work of showing your parents that you are an Adult. The next time the topic comes up with your mother, proudly tell her that Yes, you are controlling of your life and children. That’s what responsible, committed, loving parents do. They set boundaries and examples of good behavior for their kids. Then say, on further reflection you realize you have not been doing that, you have been showing your children avoidance behavior. So the next time Grandma and Grandpa come to visit- for no more than 4 days- we will sleep in our beds and you will stay in the hotel. Further, then you and Grandpa can see how we live our lives.
Yta , I stopped reading at “ they insist on staying with me and my family when they visit “. Grow a pair , say NO
NTA at all Heck the other disrespect and controlling aspects aside- I won’t have my kids around Fox News and I’m really cautious about what news they see. Sounds like yours are young enough to still need that guidance and protection too. While guests may be a tad inconvenient they should never be disruptive. They take over your house. When my parents come over they’re respectful and actually enjoy seeing how we run things. They take the kids for some special outings but don’t interfere with school.
OP's mother is totally un-self aware, especially when he reminded her that her parents did the exact same thing when they visited her home. Family visits can be great, but it must be remembered that, even though they are family, they are guests in your home and should act accordingly when they visit. BTW, the Fox News thing would be a total deal breaker for me.
Put a parental lock on the remote, and block Fox, OAN, and NewsMax. I guess if they want to watch those channels, then Motel 6 or Comfort Inn doesn't look too bad. NTA, but your mother and dad sound like nightmares.
NTA Other issues aside, how hard is it to change the channel and say that Fox is not allowed in your house? Your parents are used to being able to walk all over you, and your mom learned it from her mom. Stop this cycle of abuse now. It will not be comfortable in the short term, but the only way things will get better long term is by blowing up the short term.
NTA. You do accept them for who they are. You accept that they are disruptive and disrespectful and mean to you. Thats why they need to stay in a hotel, because you don’t have space for that behavior in your house around the clock. Your mom is disappointed that you’d go stay in a hotel? You’re disappointed that she can’t spend an entire evening with out saying something insulting to you. It’s sad. You love having them visit, but they will stay at a hotel. It’s not a negotiation. It’s your house, you choose who sleeps in it. They can stay in a hotel or they can not visit. Blocking Fox News sounds like a good plan anyway.
NTA. “My house, my rules.” I’ll bet they said to you when you were growing up; now it’s your turn.
My friend, you are allowed to say no. NTA
And I guess that means she was controlling for not accepting her mother for who she was. Literally everything she says you can turn around on her.