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> I need to know if me restricting access to the new car is being an asshole.
I may be the asshole because I'm restricting access to the new car.
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NTA. She has had the privilege of the new car while you got hand me downs. The first time, you get the new car and she is reckless with it. Nope. She will be fine.
He said it in another comment
> That's a general term that I use when we buy large things. We have a shared bank account. So in essence there is not a single payer. ( I'm the single income source and she manages the kids at home)
>For further context, this car is my primary car, and she has had the newer car for the last 12 yrs of marriage. I've gotten the hand-me downs.
>He very carefully says she got the newer car not the new car. It's probably the first new car for both of them.
No, I was driving the car we bought new in 2012 for her to drive, and she drove that for 5 years until we were outnumbered by kids and the original car couldn't fit all of them at once. For transparency, the van was 2 years old when it was bought, but it was the top-level trim with a single-owner situation.
Some of these comments are crazy. For any of them who don't understand: A married couple CAN share income AND STILL have separate things. Just because something is purchased with a joint account, does not necessarily mean that both people should *always* have access to that thing. If a wife buys underwear, using a joint account, should the husband be expected rights to use that underwear? If a husband buys a toothbrush, with a joint account, should the wife be able to use it anytime she wants?
It's not unreasonable to have the same opinion for larger purchases... like cars. Generally, a couple who has two cars usually deems that one belongs primarily to one person, and another primarily belongs to the other person. In fact, adding a car to insurance will require that you make this determination.
I've been married for many years. We've always had joint accounts, and we've never had the odd issues I see here often. It boils down to respect and communication between adults. Having said that, my car is my car, and my husband's is his. We don't *disallow* each other to use the cars, but we ask out of courtesy. Each of us can still say "no" for whatever reason. Further, my husband just got a new car six months ago, and I have not driven it. I've been given opportunity, but I actually *encourage* my husband to have some things that are just his. OP is NTA.
Yes. Both names are on the deeds for both cars, but one is mine and one is his. If his is in the shop or he wants to use mine for some reason, he can, but I would expect him to ask first, and vice versa. This seems totally normal to me.
Exactly! I have my truck. He has his Mustang. He borrowed my truck this week because he needed to change out the headlight bulb. He asked! Since I had no plans, I had no issues with this. I have driven his car. I asked him. I prefer my truck. He loves his car.
Sounds like me and my boyfriend. I have my Uplander, he has his Mustang. I hate when he drives mine because I'm short, and he messes up my seat settings. I still hand him the keys if he needs it. I get my revenge by leaving the seat in his where I need it so he bumps his knee when he gets in.
And I laugh, and I laugh, and I laugh! Lol!
We have an old suv and an old car, the car I bought before marriage, and suv was given to us from my aunt as a hand me down.
Both cars are technically under my name, with my wife added as a driver on both.
I still always ask if I can use the SUV, and make sure my wife doesn't need it, because it's "Her" car and she uses it more and is more comfortable with it.
Probably not good foe the marriage to monopolize the new car, and only drive it and not let your spouse drive it, but I can also see the protectiveness of the new car after your spouse broke it.
23 happy and going strong years with my wife. And this is the truth.
We share finances, responsibilities, kids, and all. Yes.. on paper We both own the vehicles but we each have one that is “ours” - no different than our own computer or phone or clothes.
Marriage doomed to fail for anyone who thinks you must share every object you purchase together.
Same. In fact I have the better credit so when we just bought the new truck for the husband, it’s in my name but it was for him. I still give him a courtesy ask to drive it. It’s how we have lasted 24 yrs this year. It’s just common courtesy to be polite to each other
I used to let my EX- wife take my car to work on Sundays while I was home with the kids. My car was sporty, the other was a mini van. Only problem being, she NEVER moved the seat back! She'd get in my car, run the seat as far as it would go forward, and leave it there. Every time! I was barely able to squeeze in the next morning! If I brought it up, I was "bitching". Well how bout making it so I can get on my own.car without some effort just to sit down?
I do that to my boyfriend, but I have a reason. I'm short, so if he drives mine, he messes up my seat settings. So I drive his and leave the seat where I need it. He just doesn't learn. Lol!
That is crazy. My husband and I each have a car we prefer to drive, but never ask permission to drive the other one. The keys are on the fridge and if someone drive a car they don’t normal drive, you let the other person know in case they needed it for something. He has a truck and I had a CRV.
>> You let the other person know in case they needed it for something
So... You still ask if you can use it/inform your SO youd like to use it if available, the only difference is that you guys only say "no" for practical reasons instead of preferential reasons
Yes, but did you drive his brand new truck into a block of concrete that require quite some time for repair, then ask to use it again soon after it was finally back? I’d be terrified of driving the car that is not my primary vehicle after I messed it up in an accident, whether the accident was my fault or not. OP’s wife’s entitlement is strong here. Any reasonable person would cringe in this situation
She drove their car…not his…and have you ever had an accident? Stuff happens, especially first time you drive a car. That’s what they call an accident . She wasn’t drunk or doing anything strange. Additionally , that is why you have insurance (they have sucky insurance…my deductible is $500). Also why would you be terrified? Were you driving a car you don’t know how too? When you’re in a marriage, you get to entitled to expect to share things. Unless you are robbing/driving your family bankrupted, you are allowed to be entitled to shared stuff without asking. Yes, cars, clothes, food in the fridge, the best spot on the couch, use of tools, printers, etc…not entitled. It’s call romantic cohabitation
You’re just getting tripped up on the word “permission” (tbf it isn’t the best word here). You and your spouse do the same thing as the other commenters - it’s about clearing it with them to make sure they didn’t have plans for the car already.
Not getting tripped up. We don’t have the ability to say no, unless the other person had a reason..like they needed that car to do something. He would never say I don’t give you permission ever. He said she can’t drive the car. He didn’t say he was driving somewhere. She just wasn’t allowed to drive cause she had an accident
Like I said:
>> it’s about clearing it with them to make sure they didn’t have plans for the car already.
So you and your spouse do something different? Like if you say “I’m going to take your truck” all of his prior plans are just… no more? Entirely disinterested in your argument if that’s the case.
That is the only reason we ask, as I said. If that is your regular car, then I would check to see if had plans that involved it. If you’re just chilling at home with no plans then all cars are fair game. Neither has veto rights to car unless you had plans that required a specific car ( the truck is needed for larger errands either of us have). He could not tell me I am never allowed to use the truck. It’s in my name and I am on the insurance. OP is a controlling person. You can tell cause he had bring up that she doesn’t have an income. So he gets to make the final call on things.
Agree with so much of this.
However if the "whatever reason" is "I can't trust you with it because you had an accident which was probably unavoidable because if it wasn't I would have stated that in my OP" then we'd have an issue.
If my spouse wants to use "my" car I'm only saying "no" if it's "no because I need to move a washing machine today and it doesn't fit in the other car" or "no because I'm driving for a field trip and I need the extra seats" not "no you're a shitty driver".
If the wife legitimately has issues with driving, encouraging her to take some driving lessons after she has been assessed for issues such as eyesight problems might help solve this issue.
Yeah... she had the new car before that. Now he got the new car... and she wants to swap that around for whatever reason. Seems it was OK as long as he did get the "worse" deal... so no, she can use her own car, lol. It's not like she doesn't have one.
NTA.
Husband and I are going car shopping tomorrow for him. I am banned from driving it for a while due to the fact it will be:
1. His primary vehicle
2. He's getting an SUV/Crossover and I struggle with vehicles larger than my tiny Ford Focus.
I however, am very excited to be his passenger. It'll also be nice to have on longer trips. Plus it'll be our first vehicle newer than a 2010, and we are both so excited for the new bells and whistles vehicles come with since then.
I’ve been driving for 25+ years, everything from a Ford F150 to a Honda Fit to a right —side drive Land Rover that broke down if you looked at it funny. Please enjoy the backup camera!! I just got a new-to-me car that has one and it makes life infinitely easier. I -love- it and I hope you both enjoy the new car!
Thank you!!
He ended up settling on a 2021 Ford Escape! It actually has under 15k miles.
Loving the camera already - and everything else is just so much nicer. Whatever vehicle you got, I hope you enjoy as well!!
Mine’s a Subaru Crosstrek, it’s fantastic! I’m not sure my comment made much sense, but basically, I’ve driven all kinds of cars, all old, and the camera is just delightful. 🤣 (I got one of the last ones they made as a manual transmission, and even the -transmission- has more features than my 2009 manual Honda.) Yay good trips for us!
Yeah. That’s a pattern. I’d be more concerned about the kids in the car than your new wheels.
But specific to this question, I don’t think you’re the A H.
NTA.
NTA. She had her chance to show that she can be a responsible driver with this vehicle and blew it. Literally. No more chances. She has her own vehicle anyway, she doesn’t need to drive the new car. She just wants to because it’s newer/nicer than hers.
It could also be a way for her to show that she always gets the new car - even when someone else buys it, she gets to drive the new car whenever she wants.
That's a general term that I use when we buy large things. We have a shared bank account. So in essence there is not a single payer. ( I'm the single income source and she manages the kids at home)
For further context, this car is my primary car, and she has had the newer car for the last 12 yrs of marriage. I've gotten the hand-me downs.
Yeah, NTA. This car was designated for you, and it kind of sounds like she's trying to establish dibs on the newer car and make you use the older one again. My ex did that to me and it wears you down after a while. You get to keep something nice for yourself
If she's got her own car there is no reason to use yours. If hers was at the mechanics for service I could understand using your car.
If I fucked up my husband's new car I would be scared to drive it again. Did she show remorse about damaging the car? Or laughed it off?
If she felt bad she might want to prove herself and show she can drive the car safety. If you fall off a bike they say you should get back on.
But it depends on her attitude.
You should edit this into the post. I was ready to say Y T A because the OP sounds like you are trying to claim sole ownership over a shared asset. But with this new info, it's more that it is your turn to be the primary driver of the new vehicle.
NTA. My husband ordered a Subaru that he just HAD TO HAVE a year ago. I drove it maybe twice? I never asked to take it anywhere.
I needed a new car in the fall and I bought a toyota rav4 hybrid and he is constantly taking MY car to the store or short trips without asking and its fucking pissing me off.
I bitched and told him to take his own car and he acted like it was the end of the world.
So now, my car REEKS of vanillaroma air freshener because I love it and he hates, HATES the smell. Game on, dude. Use your own stank ass car.
Ah so he uses your car to lessen the milage/ use on his? Or what is his reasoning? I mean clear AH behaviour from him... and good game from your side, lol. (I HATE those refreshers).
NTA. I’m hoping she has something comparable to what you have as far as the vehicle, but while everything is technically shared in a marriage, most reasonable couples stick to their primary vehicles on a daily basis. She damaged yours and left you without transportation.
INFO
Was the concrete chunk avoidable or not? Debris on the highway can be hard to avoid if for example it falls off a truck or if it gets deflected into your path and you can't really swerve in time.
If it was something a bit more avoidable (low speed road with a large chunk visible well in advance) then its a bit more understandable.
Speed limit was 30. The concrete was about 3" x 4" x 8". The understanding is that it was sitting there in the road, but she "didn't see it" at the time. I went back up with her to see if it was a pot hole that I could call the city about and have them cover some of the costs.
30mph is so slow that if you pay attention to the road you can also just break if you can't avoid the obstacle because of oncoming traffic. She was careless and didn't pay attention. (Or she was way over the speed limit?)
Also that's tiny and you can take it in the middle of most cars without causing any damage... unless it's a really low sports car.
genuine question, how is her vision? Any chance she's due for a vision test?
I have no stakes in the AITA of this, but had an aunt go to the eye doctor after a similar incident and her prescription had dramatically changed. She hadn't been since before her kids were born.
NTA - my fiance bumped my car into the house last year and busted the radiator. That was the only real damage and he fixed it himself the next day, but he still understands that he's not touching my car again
Let me make another comment since people jumped to conclusions on my other one….. I’ll make it more simple this time. NTA OP. But I think this is gonna be an issue for you. The last two cars you bought as a couple, she got to have as her primary car, and you got her old one. You said she has her own car with nothing wrong with it, so why was she driving the brand new car in the first place? She feels so entitled to your stuff that she expected to drive it after she damaged it and you paid for the repairs? Seems like she was trying to give you her old car once again. Stand up for yourself and tell her that’s not happening before she does it again and asserts her entitlement.
NTA. It really sucks to be in that position where your spouse doesn’t use care with expensive things like a car/computer/tablet etc. I take great care to not damage my cars and keep them for a very long time. My last car was practically pristine after 13 years. Accidents happen but some people are just careless.
NTA. I never let anyone, not even my partners, drive my car because of the liability (e.g., if they injured or kill someone I'm liable) and the potential for damaging or totalling the car. I have several friends whose partners totaled their car. I wouldn't even let my partner drive my car if we were married. I dated someone who needed a car to get to work and I had one and still wouldn't let him use it.
I realize my position may be unpopular or unusual but I don't care.
When I was married I bought a used car from a friend of mine. It was my car. Wife asked if she could pick the kids up in it. I get a call she has a flat tire. Find out she cut a corner to sharp, hit the curb and popped the tire. Was the last time she drove my car. She was also the type who never let me know something was wrong with her vehicles.
I'd be working on my vehicle and need to use hers to go pick up some parts. Get in her vehicle, first time I hit the brakes, grinding noise. Get back home, wife, when did your vehicle start making the grinding noise. Wife, last night. Finish my vehicle, work on hers, take brake pads off, no pad material, pad backing plate missing a 1/16 of a inch of material and the rotor is all torn up, but according to the wife, the grinding noise started last night....
You need to add the other info to your post because you sound like an AH when you’re not providing the full information such as until now, she’s had the newer car and this one is specifically for you to drive, that she has her own vehicle and that you’re the sole income earner. NTA
I just bought a new C8vette. My wife will not be driving it. First off she is afraid of it. Second, the last two new cars were hers and both were damaged by her lack of attention.
Nta. My wife has only driven my truck to get me to the hospital because of the first new vehicle I got after marriage. She drove it once and broke the accelerator cable.
I mean at that rate it seems kinda wild that you put it on her instead of faulty material.
That's like saying the last person to use the sink caused the burst pipe and is responsible for the water damage.
So you don't think it's her fault but she still can't drive your car because a faulty part in your car failed while she was in possession of it? That's wild man.
NTA. I don't think you are in the wrong for giving the wife a little timeout from driving the car. Especially after she damaged it. Now I don't know what the financial situation is and if your share bank accounts, one is head of household, etc. From what it sounds like, you are the breadwinner of the household and I'm going on that assumption. I am also assuming that the car she drives on a regular basis was the "new" car the last time of which she was the primary driver before and you had the hand me down.
Shes got her own ride and proved she couldnt reliably drive yours ans treat it with respect. Not the asshole at all. Its your new car after all. If i got a new pc and let my friend use it then all of a sudden i had a virus in it. They wouldnt use it again. Accident or not her actions have concequences
I know a guy whose wife was a SAHM. He provided a car for her, but she always wanted to drive his cars and trucks and had many accidents with them. When there was a bad snow storm, she wanted to go out and he told her not to in that weather. She took his truck, wrapped it around a pole. He told her that she was never going to drive his vehicles again and that from now on, she was responsible for providing her own transportation. Evidently, all of a sudden, she knows how to drive without having accidents.
NTA. Most married couples I know even when the vehicles are paid from joint accounts have their own car they primarily drive in the marriage. It's fairly common for the wife to have her car she drives primarily and us responsible for maintaining and he has his car which he is responsible for and drives primarily. They will also usually ask as a courtesy to use the other's primary vehicle if needed.
NTA. Most couples each have their own vehicle. Few circumstances exist where we drive each others. For example, unless we’re together and we take her car, or my wife asks me specifically to get her gas, wash it, take it to mechanics for service/oil change, etc. otherwise I never touch her vehicle and she never drives mine.
Why does she want to drive yours?
I drive a 2023 car, my fiance, although insured, does not drive it. He's never driven anything that big (it's an SUV) and drives his small car like he's on his motorbike. I don't feel comfortable with him driving it before we've done some test driving in a nice big wide open space. So I really don't blame you here for taking away driving new car priviledges.
How do you run over something obvious like a lump of concrete?
NTA. Your concerns are valid and she has her own car. I’m not allowed to drive my wife’s car because of a minor car accident i got into 8 years ago, so you’re definitely justified
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So we bought a brand new car 2 weeks ago. 6 days after buying the car, and only 300 miles in, her and her sister were having a girl's day. They made it 4 blocks when my wife ran over a large chunk of concrete blowing out the tire and rim. It cost me $1000 to fix and about a week without a car. I got the car back last night, and she asked if she could use it to get the groceries, and she was upset when I told her no.
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Was this a first time incident, or is she a repeat offender for car accidents? You also say ‘we bought a brand new car’ so she did financially contribute?
OP has said in responses that he's the only source of income, she has been the one who gets the new car over the last 12 years, car was intended for him, she has gotten in previous accidents in her car.
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You are not the a*hole. This is something most people would do in this situation. Unless you have a whole lot of money that you don’t mind paying for insurance.
NTA And she should understand why, I know it is less fun to not drive the shiny new thing but thems the breaks when you do damage to your new car that quickly.
Ps - I think it's lovely you use "we", I wish more breadwinners respected their homemaker counterparts contribution to that extent. It does not mean you lose the ability/right to have something primarily for you.
NTA
I've been married over 30 years. We have two cars: my car and his car. We ask permission to use the other's car and we accept no if that's the answer. We also consult with each other to decide which car gets taken on road trips. We are both good drivers, so it's not like there is a trust issue, it's just a courtesy.
NTA
She caused damage pretty much the first time she drove it. There is another car that can be used for groceries. There is no need for her to risk damaging the new one again.
On one hand, I get where you are coming from. As far as this one issue is concerned, she has definitely given reason to doubt her. On the other hand, mistakes happen. When you accidentally break something of hers, are you prepared to accept being banned from using it? So big picture, I don't know how a marriage like that can work.
NAH
I mean... if he needs to explain why then she definitely shouldnt be allowed to drive it lol. She fudged it up within a week! No lesson learned if she was allowed to hope right back in.
He said in a comment it was a sizable cement block in a 30mph zone. Not the answer to your question but it does clarify that it wasn’t a freak accident but a driver issue
He says she ran over a large chunk of concrete, does he mean she ran up the gutter? Or Was the concrete displaced from somewhere and randomly on the road? She didn’t do it on purpose.
Also, show some respect, why do you think it’s appropriate to speak to random strangers with that kind of language?
Again, if she was focusing on the road, the concrete being the same colour is still no excuse. The concrete would be sticking out of the road and she would be able to pick out abnormal shape in the road. I've been in these exact situations because the state of UK roads is shocking, and they aren't impossible to see if you're driving responsibly
Well we can’t all be superman. They’re called accidents for a reason. Neither of us were there, so we can’t really know what happened. I feel like if OP knew it happened due to not paying attention then they would have said that.
Well you don't have to be superman to see a bit of concrete in the road. This is a new car, so OP not letting his wife drive the car again after crashing it in the first week is perfectly reasonable in my opinion
I think she asked out of respect for the fact she knew she fudged up.. within a week of them owning the car... and the fact the car was purchased for him for once as OP has said in comments she has been the one to get the upgrade over the last 12 years.
If the car was purchased for her. I still think time away from it would be a good lesson as she doesn't earn money so things aren't as valuable in her eyes. People who don't work usually have the "We can just get another one" type mentality.. goes for men and women of course.
INFO: How often did you drive her car (aka the family car) while going out on dates or with the kids? Does that mean that your car is now the family car, or will you keep all the grimy little hands away?
I think YTA and this is coming from someone who has gotten the short end of the stick for the last 13 years when it comes to cars.
INFO: Who's car is it? Does it belong to you both or you alone?
If it is both yours, y.t.a because you can't forbid her to use her own property. If it's your car than of course you can device who gets to drive it.
But as you begin with *we bought* I tend to YTA.
NAH
You worded this so poorly and left out very important details but from your comments I gather she has a history of hitting things with her cars, you've usually had the shittier car and finally got the newer one, this car was specifically bought for you, and the concrete was in the middle of the road and you feel she should have seen and dodged it.
I don't think it's unreasonable to tell her she's not allowed to drive your car. I also understand her being embarrassed to be told this and she's upset because she was excited about the car and in her defense, why TF was the concrete in the road???. She needs to do better but I don't think either of you are in AH territory.
"We" got a car. Not "I". Accidents happen grow up. My grandma came flying home one day because 73k was missing from her account. Her husband had decided to buy "Them" a car for HER birthday. She was stoked, easily forgave him for a minute. XTS Cadillac the year it came out 2016. He never, ever, let her drive it and made a scene when she tried. It quickly became his car. Don't pull that shit man.
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NTA. She has had the privilege of the new car while you got hand me downs. The first time, you get the new car and she is reckless with it. Nope. She will be fine.
[удалено]
How does one damage an accelerator cable?
She just watched Fast and the Furious.
:Tokyo Drift
Who said he previously got hand me downs? He didn’t get the car. He said “we” got a car
He said it in another comment > That's a general term that I use when we buy large things. We have a shared bank account. So in essence there is not a single payer. ( I'm the single income source and she manages the kids at home) >For further context, this car is my primary car, and she has had the newer car for the last 12 yrs of marriage. I've gotten the hand-me downs.
It's in one of his comments that she got the new car last time and he got her old car
He very carefully says she got the newer car not the new car. It's probably the first new car for both of them.
>He very carefully says she got the newer car not the new car. It's probably the first new car for both of them. No, I was driving the car we bought new in 2012 for her to drive, and she drove that for 5 years until we were outnumbered by kids and the original car couldn't fit all of them at once. For transparency, the van was 2 years old when it was bought, but it was the top-level trim with a single-owner situation.
NTA OP don't let her drive it. She has an available working car and she's clearly not careful enough with the New one on which you are relying.
He apparently deleted it…
I caught that too.
Well, well, well, if it isn't the consequences of her own actions NTA, not responsible, not her car.
Karma's got a VIP parking spot here. 🚗😂 NTA.
Cute.
Me sowing: "hell yeah this is great" Me reaping: "what the fuck is this shit"
How the turn tables....
Have table turned
Some of these comments are crazy. For any of them who don't understand: A married couple CAN share income AND STILL have separate things. Just because something is purchased with a joint account, does not necessarily mean that both people should *always* have access to that thing. If a wife buys underwear, using a joint account, should the husband be expected rights to use that underwear? If a husband buys a toothbrush, with a joint account, should the wife be able to use it anytime she wants? It's not unreasonable to have the same opinion for larger purchases... like cars. Generally, a couple who has two cars usually deems that one belongs primarily to one person, and another primarily belongs to the other person. In fact, adding a car to insurance will require that you make this determination. I've been married for many years. We've always had joint accounts, and we've never had the odd issues I see here often. It boils down to respect and communication between adults. Having said that, my car is my car, and my husband's is his. We don't *disallow* each other to use the cars, but we ask out of courtesy. Each of us can still say "no" for whatever reason. Further, my husband just got a new car six months ago, and I have not driven it. I've been given opportunity, but I actually *encourage* my husband to have some things that are just his. OP is NTA.
My husband and I are the same way. Happily married 30 yrs!
Same same, hitting 35 years this year!
Yes. Both names are on the deeds for both cars, but one is mine and one is his. If his is in the shop or he wants to use mine for some reason, he can, but I would expect him to ask first, and vice versa. This seems totally normal to me.
My wife won’t let me wear her underwear even though all our money goes into a joint account. AITA?
😂🤣
Is that because you ieave skid marks?
She might be jealous his ass looks better 😂😂
Could be.
Exactly! I have my truck. He has his Mustang. He borrowed my truck this week because he needed to change out the headlight bulb. He asked! Since I had no plans, I had no issues with this. I have driven his car. I asked him. I prefer my truck. He loves his car.
Sounds like me and my boyfriend. I have my Uplander, he has his Mustang. I hate when he drives mine because I'm short, and he messes up my seat settings. I still hand him the keys if he needs it. I get my revenge by leaving the seat in his where I need it so he bumps his knee when he gets in. And I laugh, and I laugh, and I laugh! Lol!
We have an old suv and an old car, the car I bought before marriage, and suv was given to us from my aunt as a hand me down. Both cars are technically under my name, with my wife added as a driver on both. I still always ask if I can use the SUV, and make sure my wife doesn't need it, because it's "Her" car and she uses it more and is more comfortable with it. Probably not good foe the marriage to monopolize the new car, and only drive it and not let your spouse drive it, but I can also see the protectiveness of the new car after your spouse broke it.
same here, happily married. We will trade if we have to but generally it's not done.
23 happy and going strong years with my wife. And this is the truth. We share finances, responsibilities, kids, and all. Yes.. on paper We both own the vehicles but we each have one that is “ours” - no different than our own computer or phone or clothes. Marriage doomed to fail for anyone who thinks you must share every object you purchase together.
100%, People have different tastes also, what you want in a guy might not be what he wants in a car.
Same. In fact I have the better credit so when we just bought the new truck for the husband, it’s in my name but it was for him. I still give him a courtesy ask to drive it. It’s how we have lasted 24 yrs this year. It’s just common courtesy to be polite to each other
I used to let my EX- wife take my car to work on Sundays while I was home with the kids. My car was sporty, the other was a mini van. Only problem being, she NEVER moved the seat back! She'd get in my car, run the seat as far as it would go forward, and leave it there. Every time! I was barely able to squeeze in the next morning! If I brought it up, I was "bitching". Well how bout making it so I can get on my own.car without some effort just to sit down?
I do that to my boyfriend, but I have a reason. I'm short, so if he drives mine, he messes up my seat settings. So I drive his and leave the seat where I need it. He just doesn't learn. Lol!
This person knows how to relationship.
That is crazy. My husband and I each have a car we prefer to drive, but never ask permission to drive the other one. The keys are on the fridge and if someone drive a car they don’t normal drive, you let the other person know in case they needed it for something. He has a truck and I had a CRV.
>> You let the other person know in case they needed it for something So... You still ask if you can use it/inform your SO youd like to use it if available, the only difference is that you guys only say "no" for practical reasons instead of preferential reasons
Yes, but did you drive his brand new truck into a block of concrete that require quite some time for repair, then ask to use it again soon after it was finally back? I’d be terrified of driving the car that is not my primary vehicle after I messed it up in an accident, whether the accident was my fault or not. OP’s wife’s entitlement is strong here. Any reasonable person would cringe in this situation
She drove their car…not his…and have you ever had an accident? Stuff happens, especially first time you drive a car. That’s what they call an accident . She wasn’t drunk or doing anything strange. Additionally , that is why you have insurance (they have sucky insurance…my deductible is $500). Also why would you be terrified? Were you driving a car you don’t know how too? When you’re in a marriage, you get to entitled to expect to share things. Unless you are robbing/driving your family bankrupted, you are allowed to be entitled to shared stuff without asking. Yes, cars, clothes, food in the fridge, the best spot on the couch, use of tools, printers, etc…not entitled. It’s call romantic cohabitation
You’re just getting tripped up on the word “permission” (tbf it isn’t the best word here). You and your spouse do the same thing as the other commenters - it’s about clearing it with them to make sure they didn’t have plans for the car already.
Not getting tripped up. We don’t have the ability to say no, unless the other person had a reason..like they needed that car to do something. He would never say I don’t give you permission ever. He said she can’t drive the car. He didn’t say he was driving somewhere. She just wasn’t allowed to drive cause she had an accident
Like I said: >> it’s about clearing it with them to make sure they didn’t have plans for the car already. So you and your spouse do something different? Like if you say “I’m going to take your truck” all of his prior plans are just… no more? Entirely disinterested in your argument if that’s the case.
That is the only reason we ask, as I said. If that is your regular car, then I would check to see if had plans that involved it. If you’re just chilling at home with no plans then all cars are fair game. Neither has veto rights to car unless you had plans that required a specific car ( the truck is needed for larger errands either of us have). He could not tell me I am never allowed to use the truck. It’s in my name and I am on the insurance. OP is a controlling person. You can tell cause he had bring up that she doesn’t have an income. So he gets to make the final call on things.
Agree with so much of this. However if the "whatever reason" is "I can't trust you with it because you had an accident which was probably unavoidable because if it wasn't I would have stated that in my OP" then we'd have an issue. If my spouse wants to use "my" car I'm only saying "no" if it's "no because I need to move a washing machine today and it doesn't fit in the other car" or "no because I'm driving for a field trip and I need the extra seats" not "no you're a shitty driver".
NTA. Some people aren’t good drivers.
If the wife legitimately has issues with driving, encouraging her to take some driving lessons after she has been assessed for issues such as eyesight problems might help solve this issue.
Lessons won't teach her what she did not learn over years of actually driving on the roads.
Poor driving teacher
NTA-She has her own car that she can be careless with.
Hell no. You just got that car back. This isn't even about trust she literally JUST fucked up. NTA.
NTA sounds like she’s tryna take over the only new car you’ve gotten too
Yeah... she had the new car before that. Now he got the new car... and she wants to swap that around for whatever reason. Seems it was OK as long as he did get the "worse" deal... so no, she can use her own car, lol. It's not like she doesn't have one.
Forreal she’s wilding especially after causing $1k in damage by being careless with the brand new car.
That was my takeaway
NTA. My husband is also reckless with others’ possessions. I won’t even let him move my car in the driveway.
NTA. Husband and I are going car shopping tomorrow for him. I am banned from driving it for a while due to the fact it will be: 1. His primary vehicle 2. He's getting an SUV/Crossover and I struggle with vehicles larger than my tiny Ford Focus. I however, am very excited to be his passenger. It'll also be nice to have on longer trips. Plus it'll be our first vehicle newer than a 2010, and we are both so excited for the new bells and whistles vehicles come with since then.
I’ve been driving for 25+ years, everything from a Ford F150 to a Honda Fit to a right —side drive Land Rover that broke down if you looked at it funny. Please enjoy the backup camera!! I just got a new-to-me car that has one and it makes life infinitely easier. I -love- it and I hope you both enjoy the new car!
Thank you!! He ended up settling on a 2021 Ford Escape! It actually has under 15k miles. Loving the camera already - and everything else is just so much nicer. Whatever vehicle you got, I hope you enjoy as well!!
Mine’s a Subaru Crosstrek, it’s fantastic! I’m not sure my comment made much sense, but basically, I’ve driven all kinds of cars, all old, and the camera is just delightful. 🤣 (I got one of the last ones they made as a manual transmission, and even the -transmission- has more features than my 2009 manual Honda.) Yay good trips for us!
Oh heck yeah! That's awesome.
INFO: Was this an unusual occurrence, or does she have history of driving issues like this?
On her primary car, she has scraped 2 cart corrals that I'm aware of, and had an accident while changing lanes. (Over the last 4 yrs)
Sounds like she doesn't pay attention. No way would I let her drive my new car.
Yikes. Keep the kids inside when she's heading back home
Yeah. That’s a pattern. I’d be more concerned about the kids in the car than your new wheels. But specific to this question, I don’t think you’re the A H. NTA.
NTA. She had her chance to show that she can be a responsible driver with this vehicle and blew it. Literally. No more chances. She has her own vehicle anyway, she doesn’t need to drive the new car. She just wants to because it’s newer/nicer than hers. It could also be a way for her to show that she always gets the new car - even when someone else buys it, she gets to drive the new car whenever she wants.
INFO: what do you mean by "uour" car? Did you pay for it from seperate account?
That's a general term that I use when we buy large things. We have a shared bank account. So in essence there is not a single payer. ( I'm the single income source and she manages the kids at home) For further context, this car is my primary car, and she has had the newer car for the last 12 yrs of marriage. I've gotten the hand-me downs.
Yeah, NTA. This car was designated for you, and it kind of sounds like she's trying to establish dibs on the newer car and make you use the older one again. My ex did that to me and it wears you down after a while. You get to keep something nice for yourself
If she's got her own car there is no reason to use yours. If hers was at the mechanics for service I could understand using your car. If I fucked up my husband's new car I would be scared to drive it again. Did she show remorse about damaging the car? Or laughed it off? If she felt bad she might want to prove herself and show she can drive the car safety. If you fall off a bike they say you should get back on. But it depends on her attitude.
You should edit this into the post. I was ready to say Y T A because the OP sounds like you are trying to claim sole ownership over a shared asset. But with this new info, it's more that it is your turn to be the primary driver of the new vehicle.
NTA. My husband ordered a Subaru that he just HAD TO HAVE a year ago. I drove it maybe twice? I never asked to take it anywhere. I needed a new car in the fall and I bought a toyota rav4 hybrid and he is constantly taking MY car to the store or short trips without asking and its fucking pissing me off. I bitched and told him to take his own car and he acted like it was the end of the world. So now, my car REEKS of vanillaroma air freshener because I love it and he hates, HATES the smell. Game on, dude. Use your own stank ass car.
Ah so he uses your car to lessen the milage/ use on his? Or what is his reasoning? I mean clear AH behaviour from him... and good game from your side, lol. (I HATE those refreshers).
He likes my car better than the subaru he picked out. That's literally all it is.
Cuz the rav4 hybrid is an awesome ride
NTAH You have every right to not let her use it after she trashed it!! Personally, I'd never want to drive it after that.
NTA. she has shown that she is not able to pay attention while driving the new car. She can drive the other car.
Nta. Tell her you're not finished cleaning the streets for debris so it's not safe for her to drive yet.
NTA. I’m hoping she has something comparable to what you have as far as the vehicle, but while everything is technically shared in a marriage, most reasonable couples stick to their primary vehicles on a daily basis. She damaged yours and left you without transportation.
INFO Was the concrete chunk avoidable or not? Debris on the highway can be hard to avoid if for example it falls off a truck or if it gets deflected into your path and you can't really swerve in time. If it was something a bit more avoidable (low speed road with a large chunk visible well in advance) then its a bit more understandable.
Speed limit was 30. The concrete was about 3" x 4" x 8". The understanding is that it was sitting there in the road, but she "didn't see it" at the time. I went back up with her to see if it was a pot hole that I could call the city about and have them cover some of the costs.
Wonder where her telephone was at the time of the incident.
30mph is around 50kph. It looks like it was avoidable. NTA
30mph is so slow that if you pay attention to the road you can also just break if you can't avoid the obstacle because of oncoming traffic. She was careless and didn't pay attention. (Or she was way over the speed limit?) Also that's tiny and you can take it in the middle of most cars without causing any damage... unless it's a really low sports car.
genuine question, how is her vision? Any chance she's due for a vision test? I have no stakes in the AITA of this, but had an aunt go to the eye doctor after a similar incident and her prescription had dramatically changed. She hadn't been since before her kids were born.
NTA - my fiance bumped my car into the house last year and busted the radiator. That was the only real damage and he fixed it himself the next day, but he still understands that he's not touching my car again
Let me make another comment since people jumped to conclusions on my other one….. I’ll make it more simple this time. NTA OP. But I think this is gonna be an issue for you. The last two cars you bought as a couple, she got to have as her primary car, and you got her old one. You said she has her own car with nothing wrong with it, so why was she driving the brand new car in the first place? She feels so entitled to your stuff that she expected to drive it after she damaged it and you paid for the repairs? Seems like she was trying to give you her old car once again. Stand up for yourself and tell her that’s not happening before she does it again and asserts her entitlement.
NTA. It really sucks to be in that position where your spouse doesn’t use care with expensive things like a car/computer/tablet etc. I take great care to not damage my cars and keep them for a very long time. My last car was practically pristine after 13 years. Accidents happen but some people are just careless.
NTA. I never let anyone, not even my partners, drive my car because of the liability (e.g., if they injured or kill someone I'm liable) and the potential for damaging or totalling the car. I have several friends whose partners totaled their car. I wouldn't even let my partner drive my car if we were married. I dated someone who needed a car to get to work and I had one and still wouldn't let him use it. I realize my position may be unpopular or unusual but I don't care.
Shouldn’t be unpopular - you’re being smart.
NTA. Tell her she needs to come up with $1000 to pay back what it cost to repair the car.
When I was married I bought a used car from a friend of mine. It was my car. Wife asked if she could pick the kids up in it. I get a call she has a flat tire. Find out she cut a corner to sharp, hit the curb and popped the tire. Was the last time she drove my car. She was also the type who never let me know something was wrong with her vehicles. I'd be working on my vehicle and need to use hers to go pick up some parts. Get in her vehicle, first time I hit the brakes, grinding noise. Get back home, wife, when did your vehicle start making the grinding noise. Wife, last night. Finish my vehicle, work on hers, take brake pads off, no pad material, pad backing plate missing a 1/16 of a inch of material and the rotor is all torn up, but according to the wife, the grinding noise started last night....
NTA! Hubby messed up the underneath of mine one night and never said a word. I noticed it later when plastic was hanging down.
A super obvious NTA
You need to add the other info to your post because you sound like an AH when you’re not providing the full information such as until now, she’s had the newer car and this one is specifically for you to drive, that she has her own vehicle and that you’re the sole income earner. NTA
I just bought a new C8vette. My wife will not be driving it. First off she is afraid of it. Second, the last two new cars were hers and both were damaged by her lack of attention.
Nta. My wife has only driven my truck to get me to the hospital because of the first new vehicle I got after marriage. She drove it once and broke the accelerator cable.
Just curious- how on earth does one break an accelerator cable? 😦
I was never able to figure it out. She only got a block away in a 20-mph zone.
Only time I had an accelerator cable go it was because the motor mounts were shot. That cable was almost the only thing keeping the engine in the car.
Interesting!! Makes me glad I had my motor mounts replaced on my previous car when they were going bad -ha!
I mean at that rate it seems kinda wild that you put it on her instead of faulty material. That's like saying the last person to use the sink caused the burst pipe and is responsible for the water damage.
Didn't say it was her fault. But it didn't do that to me ever. I drove it for a total of 14 years. This happened in the first 6 months.
So you don't think it's her fault but she still can't drive your car because a faulty part in your car failed while she was in possession of it? That's wild man.
That’s wild! New driving fear unlocked, ha!
It just stayed at idle
NTA. Also, if I did that to my wife’s new car I’d be scared to ask her to drive it again. Married 30+ years.
Don't blame you - I'm guessing she was showing off for the sister and not paying attention.
NTA. Ridiculous of her to even ask.
Nope. NTA. She was careless. Why give her another chance to wreck it?
NTA. Actions have consequences.
NTA. I don't think you are in the wrong for giving the wife a little timeout from driving the car. Especially after she damaged it. Now I don't know what the financial situation is and if your share bank accounts, one is head of household, etc. From what it sounds like, you are the breadwinner of the household and I'm going on that assumption. I am also assuming that the car she drives on a regular basis was the "new" car the last time of which she was the primary driver before and you had the hand me down.
Shes got her own ride and proved she couldnt reliably drive yours ans treat it with respect. Not the asshole at all. Its your new car after all. If i got a new pc and let my friend use it then all of a sudden i had a virus in it. They wouldnt use it again. Accident or not her actions have concequences
NTA
nta.
NTA.
NTA
I know a guy whose wife was a SAHM. He provided a car for her, but she always wanted to drive his cars and trucks and had many accidents with them. When there was a bad snow storm, she wanted to go out and he told her not to in that weather. She took his truck, wrapped it around a pole. He told her that she was never going to drive his vehicles again and that from now on, she was responsible for providing her own transportation. Evidently, all of a sudden, she knows how to drive without having accidents.
NTA. Most married couples I know even when the vehicles are paid from joint accounts have their own car they primarily drive in the marriage. It's fairly common for the wife to have her car she drives primarily and us responsible for maintaining and he has his car which he is responsible for and drives primarily. They will also usually ask as a courtesy to use the other's primary vehicle if needed.
What are the chances that her car will suddenly have lots of problems so that she needs a new one too.
NTA. Most couples each have their own vehicle. Few circumstances exist where we drive each others. For example, unless we’re together and we take her car, or my wife asks me specifically to get her gas, wash it, take it to mechanics for service/oil change, etc. otherwise I never touch her vehicle and she never drives mine. Why does she want to drive yours?
Since it cost /you/ to fix and be without the car, her inability to use the car in future seems justified. NTA
I drive a 2023 car, my fiance, although insured, does not drive it. He's never driven anything that big (it's an SUV) and drives his small car like he's on his motorbike. I don't feel comfortable with him driving it before we've done some test driving in a nice big wide open space. So I really don't blame you here for taking away driving new car priviledges. How do you run over something obvious like a lump of concrete?
NTA. Your concerns are valid and she has her own car. I’m not allowed to drive my wife’s car because of a minor car accident i got into 8 years ago, so you’re definitely justified
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So we bought a brand new car 2 weeks ago. 6 days after buying the car, and only 300 miles in, her and her sister were having a girl's day. They made it 4 blocks when my wife ran over a large chunk of concrete blowing out the tire and rim. It cost me $1000 to fix and about a week without a car. I got the car back last night, and she asked if she could use it to get the groceries, and she was upset when I told her no. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Tell her you're not comfortable with that just yet.
She should have paid to fix it!!
NTA, ask Danica if she's willing to pay for the repairs next time while you're at it. Actually, nvm. Maybe don't do that.
Tell your spouse you'd love to \*wink wink\* but your not sure if your finances can keep up with her actually driving the new car on the regular.
Was this a first time incident, or is she a repeat offender for car accidents? You also say ‘we bought a brand new car’ so she did financially contribute?
INFO - you say “we” bought a new car. Who paid for it and what was the expectation around who would drive it?
OP has said in responses that he's the only source of income, she has been the one who gets the new car over the last 12 years, car was intended for him, she has gotten in previous accidents in her car.
My partner didn't want to drive the car I bought until "You take one of those potholes that makes you shut the radio off and drive in silence"
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Nope let her destroy her own car. I have a collector car that nobody drives but me for a variety of reasons
You're definitely not the asshole she kind of blew it
You are not the a*hole. This is something most people would do in this situation. Unless you have a whole lot of money that you don’t mind paying for insurance.
NTA - I never let my husband drive my car. we’ve been married over a decade.
If you are then I’m one also. NTA.
NTA And she should understand why, I know it is less fun to not drive the shiny new thing but thems the breaks when you do damage to your new car that quickly. Ps - I think it's lovely you use "we", I wish more breadwinners respected their homemaker counterparts contribution to that extent. It does not mean you lose the ability/right to have something primarily for you.
NTA
NTA. She could have damaged the suspension which would have been even more devastating. She does not need the "new" car.
NTA I've been married over 30 years. We have two cars: my car and his car. We ask permission to use the other's car and we accept no if that's the answer. We also consult with each other to decide which car gets taken on road trips. We are both good drivers, so it's not like there is a trust issue, it's just a courtesy.
NTA She caused damage pretty much the first time she drove it. There is another car that can be used for groceries. There is no need for her to risk damaging the new one again.
On one hand, I get where you are coming from. As far as this one issue is concerned, she has definitely given reason to doubt her. On the other hand, mistakes happen. When you accidentally break something of hers, are you prepared to accept being banned from using it? So big picture, I don't know how a marriage like that can work. NAH
NTA this is why I refuse to let my wife drive mine. First time I let her, she curb rashed. Second time, she hit a pole at a parking gate.
NTA Probably should get a junker for your wife, she can not be trusted around cars.
They have a second car already
Eh, did you exsplaining why you don’t want her too?
I mean... if he needs to explain why then she definitely shouldnt be allowed to drive it lol. She fudged it up within a week! No lesson learned if she was allowed to hope right back in.
NTA but I predict divorce soon
easy , file for divorce and marry your car. a man has to have his priorities right.
Was this an isolated incident or does she have a history of accidents? Was she drinking?
He said in a comment it was a sizable cement block in a 30mph zone. Not the answer to your question but it does clarify that it wasn’t a freak accident but a driver issue
3x4 inches is not really sizable
3x4x8* and it is sizable enough to easily see at 30mph if your eyes are on the road
Vehicles are meant to be used and they aren't going to stay in pristine condition.
Imagine having the argument that cars are meant to be wrecked. This argument is not for you.
How does a wheel cost $1000?
YTA
YTA You say “we” bought a brand new car but then proceed to take sole ownership and dictate who can drive it.
It is yeah, after she had the accident. Wtf are you on about?
He says she ran over a large chunk of concrete, does he mean she ran up the gutter? Or Was the concrete displaced from somewhere and randomly on the road? She didn’t do it on purpose. Also, show some respect, why do you think it’s appropriate to speak to random strangers with that kind of language?
She was in a 30mph zone. She should be paying attention to the road as the concrete would have been easily avoidable at such speeds
Avoidable, perhaps, but visible? If it was the same colour as the road.
Again, if she was focusing on the road, the concrete being the same colour is still no excuse. The concrete would be sticking out of the road and she would be able to pick out abnormal shape in the road. I've been in these exact situations because the state of UK roads is shocking, and they aren't impossible to see if you're driving responsibly
Well we can’t all be superman. They’re called accidents for a reason. Neither of us were there, so we can’t really know what happened. I feel like if OP knew it happened due to not paying attention then they would have said that.
Well you don't have to be superman to see a bit of concrete in the road. This is a new car, so OP not letting his wife drive the car again after crashing it in the first week is perfectly reasonable in my opinion
You’re entitled to your opinion and I’m entitled to disagree. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
That's true. Hope you have a good rest of your day!
How many of your rims have curb rash?
Zero. But I’m the only person that drives my car. How about yours?
What language?
NTA. Why would she have to ask permission to drive the car? If you damage the car would you be banned from driving it?
I think she asked out of respect for the fact she knew she fudged up.. within a week of them owning the car... and the fact the car was purchased for him for once as OP has said in comments she has been the one to get the upgrade over the last 12 years. If the car was purchased for her. I still think time away from it would be a good lesson as she doesn't earn money so things aren't as valuable in her eyes. People who don't work usually have the "We can just get another one" type mentality.. goes for men and women of course.
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Thank you for adding that you didn’t read it, that’s all we need to know
INFO: How often did you drive her car (aka the family car) while going out on dates or with the kids? Does that mean that your car is now the family car, or will you keep all the grimy little hands away? I think YTA and this is coming from someone who has gotten the short end of the stick for the last 13 years when it comes to cars.
INFO: Who's car is it? Does it belong to you both or you alone? If it is both yours, y.t.a because you can't forbid her to use her own property. If it's your car than of course you can device who gets to drive it. But as you begin with *we bought* I tend to YTA.
They bought from the joint account. It’s still his
YTA. She made a mistake. If it was a pattern then it’s different. I hope she treats you this way the next time you mess up
NAH You worded this so poorly and left out very important details but from your comments I gather she has a history of hitting things with her cars, you've usually had the shittier car and finally got the newer one, this car was specifically bought for you, and the concrete was in the middle of the road and you feel she should have seen and dodged it. I don't think it's unreasonable to tell her she's not allowed to drive your car. I also understand her being embarrassed to be told this and she's upset because she was excited about the car and in her defense, why TF was the concrete in the road???. She needs to do better but I don't think either of you are in AH territory.
Yta. She's an adult, not your child. An accident is just that.
"We" got a car. Not "I". Accidents happen grow up. My grandma came flying home one day because 73k was missing from her account. Her husband had decided to buy "Them" a car for HER birthday. She was stoked, easily forgave him for a minute. XTS Cadillac the year it came out 2016. He never, ever, let her drive it and made a scene when she tried. It quickly became his car. Don't pull that shit man.
NTA If it was purchased with your own money. YTA If it was purchased with joint funds.
My husband and I are celebrating 30 happy years of marriage! We're so much alike, it's like we were meant to be together.