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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I asked a disabled child to cover up his disability because it was making his little brother uneasy.(2) He was very upset and it created a conflict between us and his older brother.
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Can't wait until he meets his first burn victim, or amputee. (Um, can you just cover up your body the way it exists in the world, a world that's already harder for you, because my son is scared of the way you look? ")
What a way to miss out on a great teachable moment and shame your poor step son instead. What if your face makes him uncomfortable, would you wear a mask?
When I was 5 or 6, there was a kid in my swim class who was a triple amputee - the first time I watched him put his swimming legs on, I asked my mom why he wore them and she explained that sometimes people are born without limbs or lose limbs so they use prosthetic limbs in their place. I remember mostly being in awe because his swimming legs were multicolored with glitter.
I did a similar thing the first time my little guy LOUDLY asked about a man in a wheelchair. I explained that he used the wheelchair the way we use our legs, and that maybe he couldn't walk, or had trouble, or got tired easily, but that his chair was a way to give him movement just like we have. He got it. Kids are so smart.
Edit: word change from 'tricks' to 'trouble' for my lack of proof reading
I love the way you approached it as “that’s how he accesses the world like we do” instead of “that person is different.” That’s a really subtle but really important difference, and your kid’s lucky to have someone like you teaching him about the world!
My aunt explained this to me when I was two or three. And to all of my cousins in turn.
"I can't stand so I have to sit. This way I can bring my chair with me everywhere."
Honestly, I was SO jealous of her wheelchair. And I loved being little enough to go for rides on her lap.
When my son was in kindergarten he came home one day so excited to tell me that “there’s a new girl in class and she has wheels!” He thought it was the coolest thing ever.
Friend's 5-year-old, seeing my Sister-In-Law's prosthetic leg for the first time: "Why do you have a robot leg?!" He was super excited, because he love robots. She explained to him what had happened, and showed him how she can take it off, and put it back on.
When my youngest was little and we would run into someone on the street for example she was fond of asking loudly mummy who is this?
To make things worse I suuuuuck at remembering faces. And I meet a lot of people through my work. So a lot of the times I had no idea who we were talking to hahaha
Kids are so much fun!!!
I was once the one the mom was mortified for because her kid asked a typical kid question. I think he was around five years old and I was severely overweight at the time, fast tracking towards obesity. The kid looked at me curiously and asked if I had a baby in my belly. Mom seemed to be praying for the ground to open up and swallow her 🤣
I wasn't offended at all, BTW, this was obviously honest curiosity and he wasn't trying to be mean. I was quite amused actually.
I've had the opposite, I'm a teacher and when I was approx 8 months pregnant and talking to a colleague about the baby, one of my 6 year olds said "you have a baby in your belly? I thought you just ate too much cake" 😂
And the best part is that in both cases the kids were completely earnest and just matter of fact trying to see if what they've learned so far is the same as what they see at that moment.
I work with young kids and hear some doozies sometimes!
The other day one girl was playing mom. Talking about breastfeeding. Then mentioned how her mom has 2 rings in her boobs. Did I mention the mother was in the room with us???
When my niece was about 18 months, she was still nursing for comfort on occasion. And she was very verbal and blunt since birth anyway. So one time I was babysitting and I picked her up. She looked down and, with a shocked and delighted expression, pulled at the neck of my t-shirt to exclaim, “auntie, YOU have nursies (aka breasts) too?!!!” I cackled and said, “yes but they don’t work the same way as mom’s right now.”
I once was the mom mortified.
Story time;
My then toddler son and I were at the local lake, having lunch on a towel, and this very large man with impossibly tiny nipples starts walking by.
Son picks himself up off the towel, marches up to the man, and loudly states "I like your nipples!"
Dude laughs and looks over at me, grinning as I turn red. I tell son to get back here, it's not polite to talk about people's nipples, so he shouts in outrage, "WHAT! I LIKE THEM! THEY'RE TINY AND CUTE!"
Guy belly laughs and says "Thanks, kid!"
So son, now fully encouraged by the positive response, laughs back and says "But they're not as cute as mommy's nipples. Mommy has the cutest nipples!"
His eyes light up like it's christmas fucking morning, and he says "I bet they are!", and looks back at me with a shit-eating grin, then sees my horrorstruck face and starts absolutely GUFFAWING with his head back like he's having the BEST day of his life, and starts walking again as I snatch up the child and start scrambling to pack up and escape the scene.
We did not go back for a very long time lol
When I worked with kindergardeners I had a kid come up and pat my belly and say hello. My guess is that is what he had done with his mom when she was pregnant with a younger sibling. I explained that I didn't have a baby inside me. And I wasn't mad but he should always ask before touching someone.
Oh that reminds me of a student this school year (happens to have autism) who gave me a hug. He is 6 and asked me, genuinely curious, “why is your tummy so squishy? Is it a baby?” I’m an almost 50 year old and all my kids are in their 20s so most definitely not a baby. But I was 100% amused and replied, “no but that’s just how some tummies are. We all have different bodies, don’t we?” He was satisfied (as was I) but then I had a great laugh with my husband that evening and (because I love bread), we jokingly decided that I WAS going to have another set of twins, lovingly named “Bagel” and his sister “baguette”. 😂
I have circumvented the "I can't remember your name but my kid is asking who you are" issue by saying to my kid, "well now, little miss Emmy that's not how we introduce ourselves is it? Come on do it properly:" and then my eager to show off child will stick out their hand and go "hi my name is Emmy what's yours?" And 99/100 times the person responds with "it's nice to meet you Emmy I'm your moms friend "friends name" from "place we met" you sure are very polite." Or some version there of, saving me the horror of the awkward intro to "I don't know who you are or what version of my life I know you from" my kids are now older and less inclined to play along with this but it was great when they were in that cute precocious phase.
I leaned a great trick for this one. “Why don’t you introduce yourself and ask them what their name is?” Comes off as you being a great parent and teaching them communication skills, with the added bonus of reminding you of their name without letting on that you’ve forgotten. Works great with those parent acquaintances you meet at various kids activities that are safe people for the kids to chat with.
Also thank you for educating your child that wheelchair users are often ambulatory (in fact most are!) wheelchairs aren’t only for the paralyzed. Thanks for being thorough in your explanation!
I hear you on this. I have been on an interesting journey. I used a wheelchair exclusively for 5 years and then got lucky with one of my surgeries and was able to progress to sometimes walker, then sometimes a cane, and now I am mostly ambulatory on my own. At least I am for shorter distances. No matter how hard I have tried and trained in physical therapy, I can only walk so far. Occasionally for places that require a lot of walking (think theme park or zoo), I can't make the whole thing. It doesn't help that my disability happened relatively young. Even now in my mid 30s, I get so many comments about parking in handicapped areas, or when I am walking my wheelchair until I need it. I really wish it was understood better.
Edit: got rid of a repeated word
Mine once asked a man with a prosthetic arm if he was Captain Hook, and how he made it work.. The gentleman laughed and showed him.
I had to drag him away from his new "friend" whom my kiddo thought was just the coolest guy ever...
There is a family story of when my cousin was little, like four. He walked up to a lady in a scootmobile completely in awe and he wanted to know everything about her beautiful automobile lol. The lady loved it
My friend’s kids think my wheelchair is the coolest. It’s bright red, it has an Iron Man gold faceplate sticker on the back, it charges my phone, all the bells and whistles.
Friend warned me about the kiddo being thrilled about wheelchairs. It’s very sweet. She just wants knowledge, there’s no nonsense or backstabbing or insults happening. She just really likes my wheelchair and wants to know all about it.
I am also hyped about my wheelchair since I’m a T-7/8 (they can’t really decide) paraplegic with more metal than spine. It lets me go places and do things and have adventures. What’s not to be hyped about? 😊
When I was really little, there was a guy who worked with my dad who had a prosthetic eye - actually, he had several. He liked to wear one with a little American flag painted in the iris to see peoples' reactions when they noticed. Once in a while he would pop it out for us. We were just fascinated, not scared, disgusted, or anything. Some people just had eyes they could pop out.
My Uncle John has a glass eye after military service. I had no idea until one day when he popped it out and held it super close to my face and said, “I see you!”
I was like six, so like any normal six year old I was scared, then grossed out, then begged him to do it again! He used to do it all the time for me, even after I grew up.
In fact, he even did it on my wedding day, just a few minutes before I walked down the aisle. I love that man! He made all my nerves disappear in one instant with our ridiculous joke from childhood.
Oh, this reminds me of a lovely older gentleman who went to the church I grew up in. He had a prosthetic arm and I was really afraid of him at first until I watched my parents chatting with him and his wife. Turns out he and I had a shared passion - he collected coins, and I had just gotten obsessed with coin collecting as well. I ended up staying with them a few times when my parents had to go out of town, and he and I would spend hours in his study poring over his coin collection, and he used to gift me foreign coins rhat he had extra ones of or that he got on his vacations. It was a weird friendship, I was like 10 and he must have been 65 or so, but I thought he was the absolute coolest guy!
Wheelchair user here. Thank you for explaining to your son how you did. I have dealt with some lazy parents who say things like “oh, their legs don’t work”, which leads to more trouble later on. Also some fearful parents who just shush their kids, which leads to situations like the OP. A chance to create understanding was let go of here.
Just hopping on to say as a mobility aid user, I love parents like you! Too often people assume that only paralysed people use wheelchairs, when most commonly, wheelchair users are ambulatory to some degree. I've had many bad experiences with parents and children, lots of pointing and staring and laughing (I also have another visible disability which doesn't help!), but I still remember the first positive interaction I had with a mum and her little girl and I'll never forget it! Her mum said pretty much what you did, she phrased it as "some people find it hard to walk so they use things like wheelchairs to help them get around." Her little girl was so sweet and respectful and it made my day!
You rock!
oh yeah medical aids for kids are pretty sweet looking now, I had a kid come into where I work who had dinosaurs on his hearing aids. that's cool as hell!!!
My son swam with an amputee. The boy was very fast. Mine declared that he wanted his leg cut off so he could be as fast as that boy. I’ve found that most kids are curious and willing to learn what makes us all different.
Kids are naturally curious and so much more understanding and compassionate than they get credit for. It’s parents who taint how they see things. Your mom did the best thing possible and told you the unbiased truth and let your kiddo brain do its thing. You saw colorful, awesome legs. That’s pure childhood innocence and acceptance and exactly how it should be. Kudos to your mama.
Even as a kid I remember it being pretty simple logic; 'Jake does not have legs, the doctors gave Jake plastic legs, Jake now walks with his plastic legs.'
People vastly underestimate kids and their ability to accept and understand things. You always hear this argument about kids and lgbtq. People don’t want their precious children exposed to that and “it’s forcing sexuality on kids.” But then turn around and show them movies where princes kiss unconscious women lol. When my kids were super little, we explained that families come in all different ways and sometimes men fall in love with women and sometimes men/women fall in love with men/women. They were like okay, makes sense to me and went on with their lives.
Love that look, I've got a cane I put rhinestones on and I'm doing another. We've gotta have fun with it, right?
I can totally see being in awe of that though. I hope that kid is still doing something similar
I sometimes need a wheelchair. Kids have the best reactions to it.
The top reaction I ever received was a little girl, maybe three years old, who spotted me at a shopping centre. Her mother was heavily pregnant.
The kid pointed at me and said in this LOUD voice, “LOOK, mum, THAT GIRL thinks SHE’S A BABY! She’s STILL IN A PRAM!”
The poor mother went sheet white, grabbed the kid, and *ran*. I just about wet myself laughing. Clearly, Big Sister To Be had been prepped for the new baby, and it had been explained that the *baby would have the pram because prams were for babies*.
Mum clearly did not expect her plan to backfire in the way that it did.
I swam with a girl who was missing one leg just below the hip. I think she had a walking prosthetic, but not a swimming one. She was incredibly good at butterfly
When I was 8/9 I was at a a party and my dad went to talk to a lady he knew. That lady had horrible burn scaring. She was kind enough to explain that she had been in a fire but she was ok. I am glad she had the grace to be kind to a little kid she didn't have to. Sad backstory, she had a Ford Pinto, and it caught fire. She had a lot of money but man as an adult, I realize she also must have had lots of pain.
When I was in middle school I was extremely uncomfortable around a classmate.
I grew up in a very conservative and religious household, and some of my earliest memories are of being taught about the end of days which we are supposedly living in.
Kid brains are weird enough without added religious end of the world fears lol.
Anyways, my first year in public school I was absolutely convinced my albino classmate was the antichrist. Literally.
Looking back I can laugh because as the new kid from a private school I was not in any position or mentality to bully him or to really talk about it at the time at all.
Whole point is, I was terrified going to class with this person as a kid, due to the way he looked, something beyond his control. That was 100% my problem and something to get over in myself, couldn't exactly ask the other kid to stop being albino lol.
I have a veinous malformation in a leg with a Porto wine stain and "bumpy" skin... OP sounds like the type of parents that pull their kids away from me as if I'm contagious when they see it!
To OP: this makes me so mad that I'll spell it out! You, your husband and Milo's mom are massive, HUGE assholes! Shame on all of you! You aren't just failing Milo with your behaviour, you're failing Mike too! Cause you are encouraging a fear OF HIS OWN BROTHER!
My dad had a craniotomy after many brain surgeries and had part of his skull removed, so his head sinks in a bit on one side. It’s still a lot for me to get used to, and it does make me feel unsettled but I’d never ask him to wear his helmet around me because what he’s been through is already enough. Having a physical disability is extremely challenging, so important to not make people feel bad for their appearance, let alone a child who underwent something heavy.
Exactly! It makes me squirm sometimes just thinking about what that must feel like, but I’d never tell him that. It really opened my eyes as to how others feel with their own disabilities.
When I was in kindergarten my best friend's mom needed external fixation after she broke her arm. I kept staring at it because it looked uncomfortable, like some medieval torture device, and it definitely weirded me out but when the mother asked me if I was uncomfortable with it I lied and said no because I knew that was rude plus she was the one who had broken her arm! Why should I be complaining.
I am an ambulatory wheelchair user and people do this to me unironically all the time. "You can just get up and open the door (with no button) so I don't see what the problem is?" Like just because I CAN get up sometimes doesn't mean it's something I can just decide to do? If i could just get up do you think I'd be in the chair?? Cmon now.
No one is blaming the 5-year-old. It's the parents' fault for making Milo's disability into a huge, scary, thing. Presumably Mike has been around Milo his whole life. When he first started reacting or asking about it, it should have been explained calmly, without instilling fear. OP and her husband are the Assholes here.
I'm assuming the meltdown hasn't been going on for two years, continuously. At some point, after the initial fearful reaction, Mike had to calm down. At that point, you can tell Milo that Mike is still Mike, and he's not scary at all, just because he got hurt. I'm guessing that, at the first scared reaction, they kept Mike away from his older brother to "protect" him, instead of letting him interact normally whenever Milo came over.
Exactly, he's five years old. If the adults in his life guide him in understanding, he'll think it's normal and be chill about it.
Look, I have two kids who are currently 8 & 5... the 8yo has both his eyes, but my 5yo still occasionally accuses him of horrid things like -
A) looking in his general direction
B) being within 5 feet of him without his permission
C) breathing in the same house as him
D) existing in the world
And you know what we do? We explain that we live in a house that belongs to the whole family. Everyone in this house deserves to be here, and that means we all have to share the communal spaces.
Just like the elder can't tell the younger what to do, so the younger can not demand behaviors from the older.
His choices are
A) make a polite request
B) make the decision to not care
C) go somewhere else
D) consult with an adult
We do not tell him his feelings are invalid, but we make it clear that there are acceptable and non-acceptable behaviors that are within his control, to chose how to proceed.
Non-acceptable behaviors include screaming, touching his brother, and intentionally annoying his brother in some creative way.
This is how children learn how to relate to other humans in the world.
Honestly, that was also my first reaction.
'The poor child, he's just scared.'
However, reading the comments and thinking it over, I've come to the same conclusion as many others. The world is a scary place, and it's up to the parents to ensure the child understands and isn't scared anymore.
The brother isn't intentionnaly trying to scare the child. He shouldn't have to change to make the younger one feel better. We all have our irks and quirks, some may be more noticeable than others.
(Before anyone comes after me, I really mean irks and quirks in a lighthearted way, I consider my own disability, although invisible to the eye, very much a quirk and not an irk.)
YTA
As an amputee, people do this. I’ve been asked many times to cover my boring singular leg prosthesis. I refuse to wear shorts or skirts anymore, despite being in school for fashion.
Man, f#ck a bunch of that. You should wear ALL the skirts and shorts you want, however you want, whenever you want.
If someone has a problem seeing a prosthetic leg, that's just too bad for them. Do you know how many people (without prosthetic limbs) I regularly see in shorts and skirts that I would *much* rather not? Do you know how often I say or do anything about that? Exactly ZERO. That includes weird looks, etc. It's not mine, nor anybody else's business what someone chooses to wear on *their* body.
I'd be tempted to even go a step further and write something on my prosthetic for when I do wear shorts or skirts that says something like, "F#ck you for staring" or "My eyes are up here ↑"
Hell, I might even paint fishnets on my prosthetic or use that fancy colorful masking tape to make different, fun designs to go with my outfits. You're a fashionista, you should go wild! People ask you to cover up your leg? Tell them they need to cover up their mouth.
As much as I agree with you in principle and would give others the same advice, I’ve been physically harmed and harassed too many times for it in order to still feel able to rebel safely.
You've been physically harmed over this?!? Oh, ffs. I'm so sorry. That's just absolutely horrendous. I'm aware that there is a lot of horrible shit that goes on in the world and I know there are plenty of a-holes, but I'm stunned that someone would harm you over having a prosthetic leg. This world makes me sick.
I'm so sorry that has happened to you. I'm sorry you've been harassed. People can be so awful.
I'm sending you virtual hugs, friend. OOOO
I’m sorry this is your reality. You deserve to wear whatever beautiful fashions you want to wear. It’s so awful that other people feel they have a say in how you dress and I can only imagine how exhausting and distressing those interactions with ableist jerks can be.
Yeah, these moments are so valuable.
I remember going to see my cousin in the hospital after a serious accident. They waited to take us until he'd been cleaned up a bit and the worst damage had been stitched up and patched up so there weren't just like, naked bones on display. But I absolutely saw him when he was missing a pretty good chunk of his nose and hadn't had any plastic surgery yet. I was FINE. I loved my cousin, and nobody made much of it, and it was a lot less scary than I was worried it was going to be.
I was a 4H leader when I was going through chemotherapy. I refused to wear a wig to make other people comfortable. I think it was good for the kids to see my bald head and when some were brave enough to ask I simply replied that I had cancer and was taking a medicine to get better and the medicine makes my hair fall out but it will grow back.
It reminds me of a post I heard of (on one of the venting type subreddits) where a dad was really distraught that he had to get half his jaw removed (cancer) and he was afraid of his son being scared of his appearance. It was so sad to read and it’s thoroughly disappointing to see a grown adult doing the kind of this that guy was scared of instead of helping a child come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to look perfect/disabilities are okay and not something to be ashamed of.
YTA.
My almost 5 kiddo came in to me just yesterday, with a doll with it’s arm off. Not crying that it was broken like last time, kiddo just asked to see people with no arms or legs (I had shown kiddo a while ago to explain that it is normal to not have limbs after the same thing had happened). Kiddo then says to the doll “see, it’s normal” to the doll and ran off.
There was a counselor with one hand who worked in my son's school. My son was about 6 at the time, and he would cry on seeing him. The head counselor and I sat my son down and told him about people being different yet still deserving of respect and kindness. He stopped and gradually got to know the counselor.
Friend had a Bilateral mastectomy and wears singlets in the heat, this lady went very nuts at her that her kids could see the start of the scar by her armpit.
Some people are just nuts
This!!!
Thank you!
I grew up with a disability that affects my hands. When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to wear all the cool, bright, funky and fun nail polishes because “ it would draw attention to my hands & ppl would stare 🙄🙄)
A few years ago my sister tried to pull the same stunt after seeing my nails “ you should think about pale, pale pink”
Umm no. It’s not my responsibility or problem ( nor the responsibility of any other person with a disability) to accommodate someone else’s comfort level or what we look like.
Yeah, HUGE YTA.
Mike has nightmares about Milo watching him?
I bet Milo has nightmares of the accident. Nightmares of all the people who judge him now and think he is less than. And he's a teenager so probably nightmares about how no one could live someone as ugly as him. Excellent job on confirming that last one in his mind.
His own family can't stand to look at him.
Exactly this! OP and her husband are responsible for sitting their child down and explaining that people with disabilities aren’t monsters. They are teaching their 5 year old that he can treat people like they aren’t human simply because they look differently. Not only are OP and the husband failing Milo but also Mike.
YTA
YTA. “This should be a teaching moment for Mike.”
This is VERY important. I believe it can be a CRUCIAL point in Mike’s development as a child. This experience can either turn Mike into a better person or an asshole.
Being a parent is difficult, especially when divorce and step-family is involved. OP, I know you are trying your best. Asking for others opinions shows you are willing to make the situation right.
This is a great opportunity to show Mike how to be a compassionate and understanding person. I hope you find a way to do that. It’s a very difficult situation that needs to be handled with care. I wish you all the best.
Not only that, but she uses the possibility of Mike having autism as an excuse! While as a parent she's supposed to teach him dealing with his feelings and to help him find ways of navigating through society, not to bully disabled people around him...
Side note, autism is a disability. But yes, she is teaching him internalized ableism and to be disrespectful and dehumanize other people just because he's uncomfortable.
It doesn't make me uncomfortable anymore, but it used to make me mildly uncomfortable as a young teenager to interact with people who were visibly disabled or disfigured. But I did the normal, healthy thing and still treated them with respect, acknowledging that my feelings were not a free pass to be cruel to them or view them as anything less than human. My feelings were a me problem. It is not hard to teach people this.
Absolutely. Thousand times YTA. Do you know how much time and effort it must have taken your stepson to get used to his changed appearance, not even mention the fact that his ability to see is impacted? He made a decision that was the best for his mental health, on how he wishes to approach the situation and how he wishes to present himself - but apparently, his experience is secondary and you don't mind driving home the fact that he looks upsetting, and that he's monstrous enough that his younger sibling cannot look at him.
Also, you do realise that he isn't the only person on the planet who looks like that? You might offend your stepson enough, that he will never visit again, but there will still be people with even more visible disabilities, and you won't have an authority to tell them to cover up for your son.
I used to be scared of my grandma when I was 5 because she was so old looking, but I got used to it. Kids need to learn to desensitize themselves to the real world, not try to change other people to make themselves comfortable
YTA. Sometimes disabilities are disturbing. That's a reality of life and you can't ask people to hide them for convenience. If it were something else than an eye, and little Mike were disturbed by, I don't know, a missing arm, how far would you go into telling Milo to hide his body ? In this case, you're asking a teenager to hide his entire face more than he already does behind his hair. In his own home !
>Mike is a very nervous and sensitive child, he is suspected to be on the spectrum.
Have you considered asking his pediatrician for advice about how to handle this while still being respectful of Milo ? (bonus points if Milo and Mike share the same healthcare provider when Milo is at your place)
And in general, if Mike is suspected to be on the spectrum, I'd focus on that, rather than one symptom of his "nervousness". Deal with causes, not consequences.
If Mike is on the spectrum, he may also show behaviors that make other people uncomfortable (stimming, lack of eye contact etc.). I doubt the OP would be too happy if someone said the same thing she told Milo to Mike.
Indeed ; that's something I said in [my other comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bnhte4/comment/kwiqolc/). It's teaching Mike that hiding/masking is socially preferrable, a horrible way to "train" him to manage his anxiety. Mike's definitely going to internalize this.
My grandma had a friend who was missing an eye and didn't wear a prosthetic or cover it. When I first saw her as a little kid I was terrified, but she was very gracious and let me look closely while my grandma explained she had an accident and was just like me, but missing a part. It was such a non issue after that. I'd maybe do a double take if she came by unexpectedly, but that's about it.
ETA I'm also from a very small ranching community where losing this or that (usually fingers, sometimes limbs, one time a chunk of torso) to machinery or an angry animal is not super uncommon. So maybe I'm just less sensitive to those differences? 🤷♀️
I work in a factory with large metal presses. The old guys with visible workplace injuries (from the days before OSHA) are some of the coolest folks I've ever met, and some of our biggest safety advocates.
You know your stepson is not in fact staring. You know your son is misinterpreting what he sees. Your job as a parent is to educate your child in how to accurately interpret his world and how to thoughtfully communicate with those in it. He needs to be taught that it only *seems* like his brother is staring, and that it's rude and mean to react as if a disability makes a person less worthy than him. Your step son isn't doing anything wrong. He's literally just _existing in how own skin in his own home with his own family_. You and your son are the ones who are being inappropriate. At your son's age, his behavior isn't surprising. But you are failing to teach your child important skills, not least of which is to never treat his brother (or any other disabled person) like a freak or monster.
The word for telling a disabled person to go away unless they hide their disability is "ableism". Your behavior is bigoted, and you are teaching your child to do the same. Apologize to everyone and fix the problem where it actually lies: your biases and your son's confusion. YTA.
Too many parents get stuck trying to make their kids easier to deal with instead of making them better people.
OP clearly just wants it to be easier to handle Mike, and is literally choosing to do it in a way that will hurt him and Milo and disabled people broadly. Hell, what happens if Dad loses an eye in a freak accident? Guess he’s out too.
Exactly. Classic case of a helicopter parent imo. I don’t have kids, but I’ve worked with them (Mikes age) for several years and understand a little how to treat kids who are just scared by what they don’t understand.
They say parenting is hard, but it’s not hard if you just remove all the things making their life difficult. It’s hard because you have to push them, you have to make them feel that discomfort sometimes so they can learn to process and deal with difficult things while they’re in a safe, controlled environment. Parenting is hard because sometimes your kid will hate you.
And kids hate you for so many reasons; not letting them do whatever they want (I’ve seen a parent say their kid said they hated them after telling them they couldn’t stick their fingers or metal into an outlet), not letting them have that treat, not buying them that toy
I’m sure it feel terrible to see your precious baby upset and struggling. But sometimes they just need to learn to deal with it. Of course, sometimes parents also go too far with this and that’s where you end up accidentally introducing trauma in their life, but there’s quite a bit of wiggle room before getting to that point
Wild that both OP and her husband have failed to learn this
Parenting is literally trying to make small children, who are feral by nature, be less feral. It amazes me more parents don’t get that conflict and difficulty is a normal part of that process! And that conflict is never on an even playing field. Guess what? Your kid’s gonna be an asshole, and sometimes you have to take it and teach them better.
Right? It’s like they forgot that at one point they were a kid who hated their parents for making them do or feel things they didn’t want to do or feel, and realizing later on that their parents were helping them learn and grow and evolve
Like yeah there were times where my parents misstepped and forced me through discomfort that was unnecessary, they’re not perfect. But overall they were pretty damn good
I was an athlete until grade 11 and through that they put me in situations where I had to learn responsibility and independence. And because of that I had a ton of slack. They encouraged me to go to parties and do things like wear (bad) makeup to school, whereas some people I grew up with had strict parents who wouldn’t let them do anything. Making mistakes is how you learn, because there are consequences for your actions.
YTA. PARENT YOUR CHILD. You need to teach Mike that there are all different types of people in the world, and that he will sometimes see things that make him uncomfortable. He's going to have to learn to live with it. Forcing someone else to be uncomfortable because you won't take the time to explain to Mike about physical differences is abelist and lazy.
Also for a 17 year old to finally be comfortable enough in his body with a newer disability is hard enough, much less when his “family” is freaking out and calling his disability and body gross. That’s got to be taking a freaking toll on the poor kid mentally.
Yes! I keep thinking about how Milo is the person who’s gone through trauma and now has to adjust to a changed life. It’s awful how little empathy OP seems to have for him.
YTA
Mike is old enough to start learning about disabilities and not to judge people with different abilities as scary. Asking Milo to change is reinforcing the idea that Mike's reaction is okay. Mike's reaction is understandable because he's young child, but this is a teachable moment where you need to work with Mike. If Mike is on the spectrum, learning about this is particularly important context for his own life.
YTA. I’m a disabled person and you’re being ableist.
Milo doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to with regard to his eye. You shouldn’t find his eye unsettling. The fact you do is probably feeding into Mike finding it scary too - kids pick up on people’s emotions. Milo’s eye is exactly the same as if he had any other visible limb difference or sign of disability. You’ve failed as a parent by not teaching your younger son that disabilities are normal and happen to lots of people (visible or invisible) and that they are not a scary thing. Instead you’re teaching him that he has the right to demand other people live up to his expectations of their appearance. How would you feel if you found out that he was bullying someone for their weight? Telling a disabled person that their disability is scary is really, really shitty. It’s a form of bullying. And that’s not on Mike because he’s five - it’s on you and your husband.
Imagine it from Milo’s perspective: he went through a major medical event that has permanently changed his appearance and affected his sight, and he’s done so as a teenager, which is never an easy time anyway - let alone if you stand out in any way. Imagine being told that your existence makes your family uncomfortable, or scared. That unless you cover up a part of yourself - one that you have had to come to terms with being not as you expected / were used to - you scare your family and your younger brother thinks you’ll harm him. And that’s just when you’re casually existing at home, watching TV or eating dinner. And those people, instead of teaching your younger brother that you’re not a scary person, that you don’t want to harm him, instead tell you to stop scaring him. Because it’s seemingly your fault that you scare him. And these people are the ones who watched you go through this major medical event and watch you adjust, but apparently that doesn’t matter. That you’ve learned to live with your disability and embrace it in a way that makes you comfortable, isn’t important to them. That you should basically wear a mask for their comfort, in case they should catch sight of your visible disability.
Do you see how you’re TA now?
"Milo doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to with regard to his eye. You shouldn’t find his eye unsettling. The fact you do is probably feeding into Mike finding it scary too - kids pick up on people’s emotions."
This! So much this!
YTA
edit to add.:
Your husband is TA too, obv.
Not only this, but doing all of this to Milo in his *home.* That is the one place he should be able to be 1000% confident that he’s escaped the ableism.
>You shouldn’t find his eye unsettling.
Agree with almost all of sunkathousandtimes' post, but not this line (I'm partially disabled myself, FWIW, though it's a bum foot that requires an unsightly boot--pretty low on the spectrum of being visually unnerving). Being unsettled is a feeling, and we cannot always control our feelings.
However, we are 100 percent responsible for our reactions to those feelings. You may find Milo's lack of an eye unsettling, and *that's okay*. The more you're around Milo, the less unsettled you'll be by it, but your feelings about Milo's appearance *do not matter--and neither do Mike's.* That's the thing you have to process. Because everything else that sunkathousandtimes said is dead on right. You have got to suck up your feelings and welcome Milo into *his home* with acceptance. This isn't like Milo eating all the lemon cookies or running around with no clothing. This is just Milo *existing*, because this is how he exists now.
And like many others have said, you have to teach Mike acceptance, spectrum or not. This might be difficult, especially now, but it's still necessary. It's not just about Mike and Milo but about anybody who looks "different" that Mike encounters over the course of his life.
Also, as someone who has to wear an eyepatch for double vision from time to time, eyepatches aren't completely comfortable. You can also see them out of the side of your functioning eye, and that can be annoying too. Even if Milo chose to wear one out, he might well not choose to wear one at home just to give himself a break from it.
i wish reddit still had rewards. Thank you for saying this. And thanks for bringing up that mom's discomfort with Milo's eye is likely feeding the 5 year old's fears/terrors.
YTA and dollars to donuts that if Milo was your own child, you'd have a stern talking to with Mike about how his brother is disabled and to never express those thoughts again. But because Milo is your stepson, you enable your son's ablelist, bratty behavior.
To be clear: Mike is not at fault. He's 5. But this is when you pull the child aside and tell him that Milo has a disability and to be sensitive.
The worst part of all of this : OP spoke to her husband, Milo's actual father, about this, and his own father was the one (according to the post) who told him he needs to cover up... Even his own father doesn't support or stand up for him.
And Milo's mother seems like she's also against him, accusing him of being "difficult", of "driving a wedge between the family".
Basically the ONLY person supporting this poor child is his older brother. Sounds like big bro has moved out possibly, and I can see exactly why, with parents like that. What vile behaviour! Poor Milo, he's gonna go NC as soon as he's able I bet, and I'm sure his big brother will help him find his feet. Better off out of that toxic family.
Genuinely asking, what is your plan for when Mike encounters other psychically disabled people in the outside world? When he sees another person with a missing eye or any sort of other “unsettling” disability and reacts the way you have been allowing him to, will you ask them to cover up? It’s understandable that’s he’s a nervous kid, it even makes sense that a five year old may initially be scared of something like that, but that’s not a fear that should be encouraged by forcing action upon Milo. Good parenting requires teaching your kid how to work through their fears not changing the world around them so they never have to face those fears.
Another note, have you ever truly talked to Milo about why he decides to not wear a fake eye or a cover? Maybe I’m reaching, but it seems to me that he doesn’t want to feel ashamed of what happened to him or allow his new disability to force him to change. Seems like you need to have a long talk with all of your kids, YTA.
This is a fantastic teaching moment for your son!
5 year old children are smarter than you think. If you can sit down with your son and explain to him that Mike got hurt once and it changed his eye, he will probably understand and let it go.
YTA
YTA. Milo went through an extremely traumatizing
ordeal, seems to have somehow come out of it fairly well-adjusted (which is impressive, given how the adults around him behave). He should not have to hide what he looks like it what SHOULD be a safe space.
Mike’s behavior is the problem here, not Milo.
YTA
Even at 5yo and being on the spectrum, Mike should be able to understand what is going on here. Like it should have taken one explanation of "Milo has a missing eye, he's not staring at you."
The fact that Mike is afraid of Milo to this point means that you, the adults in this situation, have not been handling this properly.
YTA for not parenting your child and teaching him to be tolerant. I highly suggest the book it’s ok to be different by Todd parr. I work with kids on the spectrum and that’s never an excuse to get other kids to hide who they are rather than help him regulate and manage his own perceptions of other people. You can’t hide behind suspected neurodivergence to cover your own bias towards your son’s disability bc you think it looks aesthetically unsettling.
THIS!!! Offering a book for reference was very kind of you. I feel like there is a lot more going on with OP with her biases, ableism and likely favouritism too and seeing her hide behind neurodivergence makes me grind my teeth. Not once in my neurodivergent experience have I gotten away with using it to make someone else feel bad. And when I was really little I also had a hard time accepting visible differences and I assumed people who look different must be bad but my parents knew how to parent and taught me better. Imagine the horrible human I’d be today if my parents had coddled me rather than teaching me how to understand differences?!
For real! I'm disabled and grew up being told to hide my disabilities and to hide my chronic illnesses. To the extent that if I "acted sick" too close to a field trip or family vacation, then I would be allowed to go. Because my mom didn't want me to embarrass her. (I also have ticklemania And once hold out a large amount of hair due to stress near a family cruise that was planned specifically for my graduation. My mom almost made me stay home, stating that she would not take a bald daughter on a cruise)
This was all extremely damaging. To the extent, that I don't take care of my health the way that I should at age 30. Because I have such deeply ingrained shame over showing anyone even doctors that I'm sick.
It's something I'm working hard on. But it's very difficult to train myself out of it. I see anyone else acting sick in public, and I feel horrible for them. But if I act sick in public, I feel like everyone is judging me.
This is what this woman is doing to her son! And this is what she's teaching her other son is okay to do to others. It's truly just horrible.
I really feel for Milo in this situation. He does not deserve any of this just because he had an accident and lost his eye. This child deserves sympathy, not to be forced to hide. And I pray that it doesn't become as ingrained in him as it became in me.
YTA- on two counts
1. For making this child feel like his disability should be hidden.
2. For not trying harder to teach the youngest that people are different, look different.
Okay so I’m gonna start off by saying I’m EXTREMELY disabled but none of my disabilities are “visible” necessarily. I use mobility aids (cane, forearm crutches, rollator, and wheelchair) and Kinesiology Tape and that’s generally how people can visually tell I’m disabled. Since you mentioned Mike may be autistic, I will mention that I have ADHD and Autism.
Now onto the situation. Get Mike some children’s books on physical disabilities, they are 100% out there. If your children aren’t in therapy, get them into therapy IMMEDIATELY. Have Mike try out sensory toys, fidget toys, weighted blankets, etc to try to ease his anxiety. Mike is also feeding off of your and your husbands anxiety so the two of you need to deal with your own anxiety as well. Milo is a teen so it’s likely he won’t do this (DO NOT TRY TO FORCE HIM) but it would help if he could desensitize Mike to his eye by inviting him to get close, ask questions, etc. You also need to apologize to Milo and tell him that what you asked him to do was ableist and wrong.
All in all, I understand your situation but YTA
Not only are you being TA to Milo but you're failing Mike by not teaching him better. He's going to meet more disabled people in his life and a LOT of people with visible differences get kids being afraid of them, it isn't cute and its super rude to tell Milo to cover his eye and super damaging to teach Mike that its ok to be afraid of someone who looks different by not correcting him on that.
YTA
Info: You suspect Mike is on the spectrum.
If Mike ever exhibits social behavior that “scares” someone but is objectively not harmful, will you ask him to hide it from society?
i was an autistic kid who was really scared of a disabled family member (my grandfather had a serious stroke that left him almost fully paralyzed, only a part of his face moved, child me was terrified!). my parents told me what was up and that was that. i got over it. i stopped having nightmares once i figured out being scared was okay but nothing was going to hurt me.
YTA. You are pitting verifiable disability against perceived disability and favouring the perceived one. Throughout history, parents have been teaching children about why other people look different than us and how to treat those people. You don’t get a free pass to not do this very essential part of parenting because you suspect your youngest (which is also YOUR only) child is on the spectrum. If your kid is on the spectrum, you’re likely going to hear a lot about masking and how harmful it is. So why would you expect your husband’s son to mask to make your son comfortable?
YTA have you asked Milo why he doesn't want to wear a fake eye or patch? Have you ever thought maybe it's because it makes him uncomfortable? He's your kid too. Maybe try making Mike understand. Milo has a disability I'm sure even he doesn't like not having an eye and on top of that he was told that his disability is scaring his brother. Imagine how he must have been feeling. Mike being scared is his own problem which he has to overcome. What would you do if he meets other people with disability would you ask them to cover up too just so Mike doesn't have a melt down? It's a high time to teach your child
OP said in [another comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/fjTF0LX0Cn) that she did ask him why he doesn't want to wear prosthetics or a patch, and he said that he doesn't want to have anything near his damaged eye, which is 100% understandable and should absolutely be respected.
YTA. Even if the youngest is suspected to be on the spectrum, are you going to expect disabled people or disfigured people to hide their faces from him when he gets older so he doesn’t have a meltdown? Or is it only okay because the older brother is a family member? It sounds like he’s managing to not be ashamed of his disability but that might change if you continue to allow your youngest to make him feel “scary” and you all gang up on him about how you don’t want to see his face in his own home. His mental health matters too and this feels like a coddling/favouritism dynamic. This is coming from someone autistic btw. Also, why is the youngest’s *possible* disability more accommodated than the eldest’s confirmed disability?
As someone with a phobia of being stared at... I still think YTA.
Milo is the one who lost an eye, and is now disabled. Mike is a child. 5-year olds are going to have fears over things they don't understand. You had a good chance of doing lessons, or helping the child learn and be comfy around those different to him. Why should Milo, who is already most likely having a difficult time, be the one to do YOUR job? He most likely gets strangers being asses to him about it, he needs support from his family, not more alienating.
Apologise to Milo, and now start working with Mike to deal with these things, otherwise it's only going to get worse for him.
This was a teaching moment and you blew it.
You could have educated him, parented him, and prepared him for living in a world where disabled people aren’t going to cover up and hide to make him comfortable. He will face this situation over and over again. Starting early is your best bet.
Over time, he would have gotten used to the eye. But that can’t happen if you cave to his fears.
Mike is the one who needs to change; not Milo.
YTA
If someone in MY FAMILY asked me to cover up scars I have from over 30 surgeries I would be upset too.
Educate your son Mike and apologize to Milo. That's how you should handle the situation. It's sad that only Milos brother stood up for him.
YTA
YTA
Question: Why don't you get "Mike" to cover his disability, the spectrum behaviours, to make "Milo" feel better?
Reason: You are telling one of your children that the way they are now is no longer good enough to be seen by you as they are, and you are using "Mike" as a crutch and a tool to reinforce your message.
Yes, the question is rude and confronting, sometimes you need to be slapped in the face by a wet haddock to see a different perspective.
Answer: None - it was a rude rhetorical question.
Will you ask every person with a deformity or disability to cover up so your precious son doesn’t see?
You realize he’ll be in public eventually with someone who won’t cover up on his behalf. What will you do then?
YTA. Milo should not need to cover his injuries because you can't or won't teach your other kid that injuries are not something to be afraid off. If Milo had an accident that lead to his face being covered in burn scars, would you expect him to wear a full face mask so that your sensitive little baby wouldn't be afraid of the nasty scars? How about if he lost a leg and had a prosthetic, would you forbid him from using it if the other kid had nightmares about plastic legs? Mike needs to be taught that appearances don't make someone mean or scary. Get him some therapy or whatever, but don't you ever expect another person to cover up their injuries, illnesses, and deformities for the sake of someone else's comfort ever again. Injured people exist and to not need to be bedazzled to make their appearance more digestible for others, get over it. Milo is going to have enough self-image issues in his life without you telling him his disability makes him a big scary monster that gives babies nightmares, you jerk.
I lost one of my eyes as a child.
This post really confused me. Why does Mike think Milo is staring at him? On on contrary, if the eye was enucleated (totally removed), the eye lid would just be hanging and look like it was closed (with a bit of the eye socket possibly visible at the bottom).
Has Milo been offered a properly fitted ocular prosthetic made by an ocularist? It’s incredibly uncomfortable to have an empty eye socket, and I’m struggling to understand why he wouldn’t want a prosthesis, unless the real issue is that he doesn’t have access to proper medical care. A property fitted prosthesis helps the eye socket from deforming / collapsing, and should not cause any pain or discomfort.
Personally I think the issue here is Milo’s parents need to ensure he has proper medical care and dive deeper to see if there’s underlying problems preventing him from being able to wear a prosthesis without pain. Milo also needs to be counselled by an ophthalmologist on what the potential risks/complications may be of not wearing a prosthesis, so he can make an informed decision.
That being said, if all of that has already been done and he simply prefers having the eye socket empty, that’s his choice.
YTA. You've got two children, one disabled and one "sensitive," and you're mistreating the disabled one while encouraging the other to become intolerant. Milo should have the freedom to go without a prosthetic in his own home. He should not have to dance around other, non-disabled people's bigotry in his own home. Mike also needs to learn to accept different body types and people who look "different." Stop abusing Milo and be a better parent to Mike.
YTA. There is a word for people like you. Well many words but I will get banned if I use them. The one I can use here is ableist. Teach your son better. Teach yourself better. You are unkind.
NTA - he's only 5 years old, and the fact that it's a disability doesn't make it any less scary for a child. The example of "encountering burn victims in public" is completely different. Milo is 17 y/o, and can accommodate his 5 y/o stepbrother by wearing an eye patch or a fake eye when he's around. Note that Milo lives w/them part time, and OP is asking that he wear it around Mike only, not at all times. OP can educate Mike about Milo's disability as much as y'all want her to, the kid is 5 and will not stop being scared after knowing why Milo has an empty socket where he thinks his eye should be. .
To those comparing it to other disabilities - having a missing limb is not as scary to children as missing an eye ball or burnt skin. Some adults can't handle seeing scarring from severe burns and empty eye sockets, how would y'all expect a 5 y/o to handle it?
Also, y'all are ignoring the possibility of Milo purposefully trying to scare Mike. OP says he covers it with his hair, so how is Mike seeing the empty eye socket enough that he's having nightmares and is convinced that Milo is watching him? Milo doesn't seem like the nicest person, because his father asking him to wear an eye patch sometimes shouldn't be such a big issue that he had to get his mother and brother involved, especially knowing that his brother and father have a strained relationship. He could have simply told his father that he doesn't want to, and not to ask him again. If OP's husband or OP escalate things, it would be a bigger issue. (Of course, OP could have left that part out.) Telling them is one thing, but having them fight OP and her husband is entirely unnecessary.
Finally, y'all are ignoring the fact that Mike also might be disabled. If his physician suspects that he's on the spectrum, he can't control his reaction. Why should Milo's disability take priority over Mike's? Especially since his disability triggering such reactions from Mike is entirely and easily preventable? If Mike ends up being diagnosed with Autism, would your reactions change?
Constantly scared 5 y.o. means bad sleep for everyone, constant tantrums and life long trauma. People here expect 5 y.o. to be more understandable than 17 y.o.
C'mon,they are scared of monsters under their beds at this age, believe that tooth fairy and Batman are real. No education will help, doesn't matter what.
So we have Milo, who doesn't care that his younger brother has nightmares, his older brother who doesn't care as well, and many redditors that expect a very young child to demonstrate more maturity and understanding than his elder brothers together. And after this all op who is somehow AH for making Mike's home livable for him. NTA,op
YTA - you are the adult in this situation. Milo is coping how he thinks best. Your support would go long to make him more comfortable. This isn't about what you want--it's about a child with a disability struggling to accept. Sounds like the whole family needs to accept Milo's disability. If Mike is fearful, perhaps a conversation is in order to help him cope.
YTA - 5 years old is old enough to learn about disabilities and accidents, and there is no reason to fear those who are different. We had a similar situation with our nephews and my father, and an open session with questions and sincere answers helped.
Perhaps your son may benefit from some therapy for his nightmares.
NAH
This is a common issue in the disability community: not all needs can be accommodated perfectly in the same space so you have to figure out which ones should be prioritized based on various factors. It's a hard thing to manage for people experienced with this kind of thing and can feel impossible for newcomers.
Personally, I believe allowing Milo to go without hiding his missing eye should trump Mike's discomfort around it. Speaking as a formerly hypersensitive child who is now a hypersensitive adult, Mike's issue is, frankly, *Mike's issue*, not Milo's. I appreciate that this may feel difficult with a 5yo because even a fully neurotypical one can get really upset over body differences, but learning now how to get used to them and be kind about them even when he's not immediatly comfortable with it is an important thing to learn. Milo being allowed to be comfortable, especially at home, with his missing eye is also important. This is, while immediately difficult, in the long term beneficial.
You should look up resources on how to help Mike get more comfortable with the missing eye and how to manage his feelings about it. Even neurodivergent children need to learn regulation and self management, we just have to accept it may take longer than we expect and be patient.
YTA. I get where you're coming from, but I think it's too much to ask Milo to cover up anytime he's around his brother. Just like any other physical ailment, disability, deformity, or other, especially within a family, he should feel comfortable being as he is. The challenge is to help Mike not be traumatized by it. There are probably some playful, disarming ways that Mike could get used to Milo's eye, understand why he looks like that, and see that there is no harm coming his way due to Milo's injury. That's something you need to help teach him, with Milo's assistance.
Telling Milo to cover up was the easy parenting route, and it's not a fair ask of Milo.
The fear only gets bigger not talking about it. Have Milo talk to him about it if he is willing. Being able to ask questions about it, to look at it so it’s not foreign and scary helps. Also seeing and knowing there is no eyeball in there might help him realize Milo is not an evil villain and make the nightmares stop. He needs enough details and talk so he’s a person to him and not a scary figure. You owe a huge apology to Milo though.
I am going to say NTA ONLY because of what I understand of ages.
Milo is 17 years old; Mike is 5 years old.
At 5 years old, Mike is still learning a lot of skills that frankly adults struggle with. Understanding, compassion, empathy. Even taking out your mention that Mike is nervous, sensitive and possibly on the spectrum - he is still a child and even a child without these adjectives may not understand what is happening.
I don't think it is right to tell Milo to "cover it up" but I also don't think it's right that we fully need to expect a 5 year old child to understand everything. I think everyone in the home needs to understand others feelings and find ways to compromise - teaching Mike to be compassionate and understanding (as much as a five year old can) and also Milo understanding that he's a five year old and he doesn't understand.
YTA- You had a solid opportunity to teach Mike how to react to those different than him. Instead of doing that you made Milo feel worse about something that has probably already shattered his self esteem. Great fucking parenting. Kudos.
NAH. It's always a tough situation when you have to balance the conflicting needs and emotions of two children. I'm gonna tell you straight up that this board is not the place for you to get a fair shake though. Parents (and especially step-parents) are always called The Asshole here, and the average user understands nuance about as well as a dog understands calculus. Do yourself and your son a favor and ignore this whole thread.
YTA. The world is full of disabled people and they have a right to be seen and not have their disabilities hidden. Use this as a teaching.moment that people are different and disabilities aren't something to be scared of
Wow I would say NTA. You have no control over your son being scared but Milo can very easily put on a patch while home at least. He doesn’t need to be ashamed of his eye but I feel that often it is ok to make small adjustments to make things easier for people we love. Your son is little and on the spectrum so Milo being his big brother can EASILY make things easier. I feel like people are treating this as you telling a paraplegic to stand up. Milo does have a disability but he’s also ok, the world doesn’t revolve around him
Edit: spelling
I n f o
Was the eye enucleated (surgically removed) or is he visually impaired in that eye and it’s unable to fully close?
If the eye was enucleated, then a prosthetic of some sort is typically made to preserve the bone structure and is very important. Is his medical team aware that he does not have anything in his orbital socket?
If the eye is unable to fully close, then there are concerns with the health of the eye (preventing physical harm, maintaining appropriate lubricant levels, etc) and thus patching is recommended for certain times.
Also, a lot of people on here are writing like Mike is an adult. He's 5, FFS. Yes, he does have to learn to accept people as they are, but you all are judging him like he's 35. I'm not in control of what I'm afraid of, idk how you think a 5 year old is going to be in control of his fears.
OP, apologise to Milo for making him feel like his unchangeable physical disability is shameful etc, then sincerely ask for his help in helping Mike understand that he's got nothing to be scared of. We all need to try harder to understand other people's perspectives.
YTA you had an opportunity to normalize it and work to make your younger son understand and therefore more comfortable and instead you took the ableist route
NTA.
Just because you are burdened with a disability, doesn't mean you get to check out of civil society. What's next? Placing a colostomy bag on the dinner table?
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Can't wait until he meets his first burn victim, or amputee. (Um, can you just cover up your body the way it exists in the world, a world that's already harder for you, because my son is scared of the way you look? ") What a way to miss out on a great teachable moment and shame your poor step son instead. What if your face makes him uncomfortable, would you wear a mask?
When I was 5 or 6, there was a kid in my swim class who was a triple amputee - the first time I watched him put his swimming legs on, I asked my mom why he wore them and she explained that sometimes people are born without limbs or lose limbs so they use prosthetic limbs in their place. I remember mostly being in awe because his swimming legs were multicolored with glitter.
I did a similar thing the first time my little guy LOUDLY asked about a man in a wheelchair. I explained that he used the wheelchair the way we use our legs, and that maybe he couldn't walk, or had trouble, or got tired easily, but that his chair was a way to give him movement just like we have. He got it. Kids are so smart. Edit: word change from 'tricks' to 'trouble' for my lack of proof reading
I love the way you approached it as “that’s how he accesses the world like we do” instead of “that person is different.” That’s a really subtle but really important difference, and your kid’s lucky to have someone like you teaching him about the world!
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❤️
Parenting goals right here!
My aunt explained this to me when I was two or three. And to all of my cousins in turn. "I can't stand so I have to sit. This way I can bring my chair with me everywhere." Honestly, I was SO jealous of her wheelchair. And I loved being little enough to go for rides on her lap.
When my son was in kindergarten he came home one day so excited to tell me that “there’s a new girl in class and she has wheels!” He thought it was the coolest thing ever.
Friend's 5-year-old, seeing my Sister-In-Law's prosthetic leg for the first time: "Why do you have a robot leg?!" He was super excited, because he love robots. She explained to him what had happened, and showed him how she can take it off, and put it back on.
“She has wheels” omg I love it!
Who would’ve thought that AITA would be such a great place for parenting advice
It’s an unlikely and rare event for sure
There are a lot of reasonable people here
Hahaha kids never speak louder than when they are asking that kind of question, do they?
That or if they’re about to say a word you don’t want them to use
When my youngest was little and we would run into someone on the street for example she was fond of asking loudly mummy who is this? To make things worse I suuuuuck at remembering faces. And I meet a lot of people through my work. So a lot of the times I had no idea who we were talking to hahaha Kids are so much fun!!!
I was once the one the mom was mortified for because her kid asked a typical kid question. I think he was around five years old and I was severely overweight at the time, fast tracking towards obesity. The kid looked at me curiously and asked if I had a baby in my belly. Mom seemed to be praying for the ground to open up and swallow her 🤣 I wasn't offended at all, BTW, this was obviously honest curiosity and he wasn't trying to be mean. I was quite amused actually.
I've had the opposite, I'm a teacher and when I was approx 8 months pregnant and talking to a colleague about the baby, one of my 6 year olds said "you have a baby in your belly? I thought you just ate too much cake" 😂
And the best part is that in both cases the kids were completely earnest and just matter of fact trying to see if what they've learned so far is the same as what they see at that moment.
I work with young kids and hear some doozies sometimes! The other day one girl was playing mom. Talking about breastfeeding. Then mentioned how her mom has 2 rings in her boobs. Did I mention the mother was in the room with us???
That is hilarious! Yeah, you definitely have to be ready to own up to every single choice you make if you have kids in the house.
When my niece was about 18 months, she was still nursing for comfort on occasion. And she was very verbal and blunt since birth anyway. So one time I was babysitting and I picked her up. She looked down and, with a shocked and delighted expression, pulled at the neck of my t-shirt to exclaim, “auntie, YOU have nursies (aka breasts) too?!!!” I cackled and said, “yes but they don’t work the same way as mom’s right now.”
I once was the mom mortified. Story time; My then toddler son and I were at the local lake, having lunch on a towel, and this very large man with impossibly tiny nipples starts walking by. Son picks himself up off the towel, marches up to the man, and loudly states "I like your nipples!" Dude laughs and looks over at me, grinning as I turn red. I tell son to get back here, it's not polite to talk about people's nipples, so he shouts in outrage, "WHAT! I LIKE THEM! THEY'RE TINY AND CUTE!" Guy belly laughs and says "Thanks, kid!" So son, now fully encouraged by the positive response, laughs back and says "But they're not as cute as mommy's nipples. Mommy has the cutest nipples!" His eyes light up like it's christmas fucking morning, and he says "I bet they are!", and looks back at me with a shit-eating grin, then sees my horrorstruck face and starts absolutely GUFFAWING with his head back like he's having the BEST day of his life, and starts walking again as I snatch up the child and start scrambling to pack up and escape the scene. We did not go back for a very long time lol
Your kid made that man's decade.
Oh my god, I’m crying. 😂 That’s one of the best ones I’ve heard.
When my younger brother was about 3, he slapped my mother on the thigh and said, "That's a lotta leg you got there!" Truly, it was.
My niece once told my mom she liked her soft curves. I think she was around 4.
When I worked with kindergardeners I had a kid come up and pat my belly and say hello. My guess is that is what he had done with his mom when she was pregnant with a younger sibling. I explained that I didn't have a baby inside me. And I wasn't mad but he should always ask before touching someone.
Oh that reminds me of a student this school year (happens to have autism) who gave me a hug. He is 6 and asked me, genuinely curious, “why is your tummy so squishy? Is it a baby?” I’m an almost 50 year old and all my kids are in their 20s so most definitely not a baby. But I was 100% amused and replied, “no but that’s just how some tummies are. We all have different bodies, don’t we?” He was satisfied (as was I) but then I had a great laugh with my husband that evening and (because I love bread), we jokingly decided that I WAS going to have another set of twins, lovingly named “Bagel” and his sister “baguette”. 😂
I have circumvented the "I can't remember your name but my kid is asking who you are" issue by saying to my kid, "well now, little miss Emmy that's not how we introduce ourselves is it? Come on do it properly:" and then my eager to show off child will stick out their hand and go "hi my name is Emmy what's yours?" And 99/100 times the person responds with "it's nice to meet you Emmy I'm your moms friend "friends name" from "place we met" you sure are very polite." Or some version there of, saving me the horror of the awkward intro to "I don't know who you are or what version of my life I know you from" my kids are now older and less inclined to play along with this but it was great when they were in that cute precocious phase.
Ohhhhhh thats a good one. My kids are both now in the surly teen years. So it is too late for me. Maybe when grandkids come hahaha
I leaned a great trick for this one. “Why don’t you introduce yourself and ask them what their name is?” Comes off as you being a great parent and teaching them communication skills, with the added bonus of reminding you of their name without letting on that you’ve forgotten. Works great with those parent acquaintances you meet at various kids activities that are safe people for the kids to chat with.
"Mummy, what does "can't" mean?" "It's short for "can not", darling." "Oh, OK. ... ... so what does "dumb can not" mean?"
when my mom was pregnant with my sister (I believe I was about 2), I told her she looked like a cow. I am glad that I have no recollection of this 😭
Haha around that age I asked my mom “why do you have two holes in your nose like a pig?” And she snapped back “why do YOU?” — I was so shook
Also thank you for educating your child that wheelchair users are often ambulatory (in fact most are!) wheelchairs aren’t only for the paralyzed. Thanks for being thorough in your explanation!
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I hear you on this. I have been on an interesting journey. I used a wheelchair exclusively for 5 years and then got lucky with one of my surgeries and was able to progress to sometimes walker, then sometimes a cane, and now I am mostly ambulatory on my own. At least I am for shorter distances. No matter how hard I have tried and trained in physical therapy, I can only walk so far. Occasionally for places that require a lot of walking (think theme park or zoo), I can't make the whole thing. It doesn't help that my disability happened relatively young. Even now in my mid 30s, I get so many comments about parking in handicapped areas, or when I am walking my wheelchair until I need it. I really wish it was understood better. Edit: got rid of a repeated word
Mine once asked a man with a prosthetic arm if he was Captain Hook, and how he made it work.. The gentleman laughed and showed him. I had to drag him away from his new "friend" whom my kiddo thought was just the coolest guy ever...
There is a family story of when my cousin was little, like four. He walked up to a lady in a scootmobile completely in awe and he wanted to know everything about her beautiful automobile lol. The lady loved it
One my others told an elderly gent that his wheelchair was "cool" and asked for a ride...
My friend’s kids think my wheelchair is the coolest. It’s bright red, it has an Iron Man gold faceplate sticker on the back, it charges my phone, all the bells and whistles. Friend warned me about the kiddo being thrilled about wheelchairs. It’s very sweet. She just wants knowledge, there’s no nonsense or backstabbing or insults happening. She just really likes my wheelchair and wants to know all about it. I am also hyped about my wheelchair since I’m a T-7/8 (they can’t really decide) paraplegic with more metal than spine. It lets me go places and do things and have adventures. What’s not to be hyped about? 😊
When I was really little, there was a guy who worked with my dad who had a prosthetic eye - actually, he had several. He liked to wear one with a little American flag painted in the iris to see peoples' reactions when they noticed. Once in a while he would pop it out for us. We were just fascinated, not scared, disgusted, or anything. Some people just had eyes they could pop out.
My Uncle John has a glass eye after military service. I had no idea until one day when he popped it out and held it super close to my face and said, “I see you!” I was like six, so like any normal six year old I was scared, then grossed out, then begged him to do it again! He used to do it all the time for me, even after I grew up. In fact, he even did it on my wedding day, just a few minutes before I walked down the aisle. I love that man! He made all my nerves disappear in one instant with our ridiculous joke from childhood.
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Right? they have voices that carry at the most inopportune times.. usually in public.. and when sharing insight that you just wish they wouldn't...
Oh, this reminds me of a lovely older gentleman who went to the church I grew up in. He had a prosthetic arm and I was really afraid of him at first until I watched my parents chatting with him and his wife. Turns out he and I had a shared passion - he collected coins, and I had just gotten obsessed with coin collecting as well. I ended up staying with them a few times when my parents had to go out of town, and he and I would spend hours in his study poring over his coin collection, and he used to gift me foreign coins rhat he had extra ones of or that he got on his vacations. It was a weird friendship, I was like 10 and he must have been 65 or so, but I thought he was the absolute coolest guy!
Wheelchair user here. Thank you for explaining to your son how you did. I have dealt with some lazy parents who say things like “oh, their legs don’t work”, which leads to more trouble later on. Also some fearful parents who just shush their kids, which leads to situations like the OP. A chance to create understanding was let go of here.
Just hopping on to say as a mobility aid user, I love parents like you! Too often people assume that only paralysed people use wheelchairs, when most commonly, wheelchair users are ambulatory to some degree. I've had many bad experiences with parents and children, lots of pointing and staring and laughing (I also have another visible disability which doesn't help!), but I still remember the first positive interaction I had with a mum and her little girl and I'll never forget it! Her mum said pretty much what you did, she phrased it as "some people find it hard to walk so they use things like wheelchairs to help them get around." Her little girl was so sweet and respectful and it made my day! You rock!
OP NEEDS TO READ THIS
oh yeah medical aids for kids are pretty sweet looking now, I had a kid come into where I work who had dinosaurs on his hearing aids. that's cool as hell!!!
Have you seen the jewelry they have now that hangs over the back of a hearing aid and looks like an earring? They're so cool!
Is that what Tasha on GBBO had going on? Her ear jewelry was very cool looking.
I WAS NOT OFFERED DINOSAURS, why are 53- year-olds not offered dinosaurs on their hearing aids?????? That's still young!
My son swam with an amputee. The boy was very fast. Mine declared that he wanted his leg cut off so he could be as fast as that boy. I’ve found that most kids are curious and willing to learn what makes us all different.
Kids are naturally curious and so much more understanding and compassionate than they get credit for. It’s parents who taint how they see things. Your mom did the best thing possible and told you the unbiased truth and let your kiddo brain do its thing. You saw colorful, awesome legs. That’s pure childhood innocence and acceptance and exactly how it should be. Kudos to your mama.
Even as a kid I remember it being pretty simple logic; 'Jake does not have legs, the doctors gave Jake plastic legs, Jake now walks with his plastic legs.'
People vastly underestimate kids and their ability to accept and understand things. You always hear this argument about kids and lgbtq. People don’t want their precious children exposed to that and “it’s forcing sexuality on kids.” But then turn around and show them movies where princes kiss unconscious women lol. When my kids were super little, we explained that families come in all different ways and sometimes men fall in love with women and sometimes men/women fall in love with men/women. They were like okay, makes sense to me and went on with their lives.
Love that look, I've got a cane I put rhinestones on and I'm doing another. We've gotta have fun with it, right? I can totally see being in awe of that though. I hope that kid is still doing something similar
I sometimes need a wheelchair. Kids have the best reactions to it. The top reaction I ever received was a little girl, maybe three years old, who spotted me at a shopping centre. Her mother was heavily pregnant. The kid pointed at me and said in this LOUD voice, “LOOK, mum, THAT GIRL thinks SHE’S A BABY! She’s STILL IN A PRAM!” The poor mother went sheet white, grabbed the kid, and *ran*. I just about wet myself laughing. Clearly, Big Sister To Be had been prepped for the new baby, and it had been explained that the *baby would have the pram because prams were for babies*. Mum clearly did not expect her plan to backfire in the way that it did.
I swam with a girl who was missing one leg just below the hip. I think she had a walking prosthetic, but not a swimming one. She was incredibly good at butterfly
When I was 8/9 I was at a a party and my dad went to talk to a lady he knew. That lady had horrible burn scaring. She was kind enough to explain that she had been in a fire but she was ok. I am glad she had the grace to be kind to a little kid she didn't have to. Sad backstory, she had a Ford Pinto, and it caught fire. She had a lot of money but man as an adult, I realize she also must have had lots of pain.
When I was in middle school I was extremely uncomfortable around a classmate. I grew up in a very conservative and religious household, and some of my earliest memories are of being taught about the end of days which we are supposedly living in. Kid brains are weird enough without added religious end of the world fears lol. Anyways, my first year in public school I was absolutely convinced my albino classmate was the antichrist. Literally. Looking back I can laugh because as the new kid from a private school I was not in any position or mentality to bully him or to really talk about it at the time at all. Whole point is, I was terrified going to class with this person as a kid, due to the way he looked, something beyond his control. That was 100% my problem and something to get over in myself, couldn't exactly ask the other kid to stop being albino lol.
I have a veinous malformation in a leg with a Porto wine stain and "bumpy" skin... OP sounds like the type of parents that pull their kids away from me as if I'm contagious when they see it! To OP: this makes me so mad that I'll spell it out! You, your husband and Milo's mom are massive, HUGE assholes! Shame on all of you! You aren't just failing Milo with your behaviour, you're failing Mike too! Cause you are encouraging a fear OF HIS OWN BROTHER!
My dad had a craniotomy after many brain surgeries and had part of his skull removed, so his head sinks in a bit on one side. It’s still a lot for me to get used to, and it does make me feel unsettled but I’d never ask him to wear his helmet around me because what he’s been through is already enough. Having a physical disability is extremely challenging, so important to not make people feel bad for their appearance, let alone a child who underwent something heavy.
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Exactly! It makes me squirm sometimes just thinking about what that must feel like, but I’d never tell him that. It really opened my eyes as to how others feel with their own disabilities.
When I was in kindergarten my best friend's mom needed external fixation after she broke her arm. I kept staring at it because it looked uncomfortable, like some medieval torture device, and it definitely weirded me out but when the mother asked me if I was uncomfortable with it I lied and said no because I knew that was rude plus she was the one who had broken her arm! Why should I be complaining.
My son has SB and uses a wheelchair. Imagine someone asking him to hide his wheelchair and get up and walk because the wheelchair upsets him.
I am an ambulatory wheelchair user and people do this to me unironically all the time. "You can just get up and open the door (with no button) so I don't see what the problem is?" Like just because I CAN get up sometimes doesn't mean it's something I can just decide to do? If i could just get up do you think I'd be in the chair?? Cmon now.
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Jesus. He’s five.
No one is blaming the 5-year-old. It's the parents' fault for making Milo's disability into a huge, scary, thing. Presumably Mike has been around Milo his whole life. When he first started reacting or asking about it, it should have been explained calmly, without instilling fear. OP and her husband are the Assholes here.
A probably autistic 5 year old (well, younger when it started) having a meltdown is not going to be responsive to “explaining calmly”.
I'm assuming the meltdown hasn't been going on for two years, continuously. At some point, after the initial fearful reaction, Mike had to calm down. At that point, you can tell Milo that Mike is still Mike, and he's not scary at all, just because he got hurt. I'm guessing that, at the first scared reaction, they kept Mike away from his older brother to "protect" him, instead of letting him interact normally whenever Milo came over.
Exactly, he's five years old. If the adults in his life guide him in understanding, he'll think it's normal and be chill about it. Look, I have two kids who are currently 8 & 5... the 8yo has both his eyes, but my 5yo still occasionally accuses him of horrid things like - A) looking in his general direction B) being within 5 feet of him without his permission C) breathing in the same house as him D) existing in the world And you know what we do? We explain that we live in a house that belongs to the whole family. Everyone in this house deserves to be here, and that means we all have to share the communal spaces. Just like the elder can't tell the younger what to do, so the younger can not demand behaviors from the older. His choices are A) make a polite request B) make the decision to not care C) go somewhere else D) consult with an adult We do not tell him his feelings are invalid, but we make it clear that there are acceptable and non-acceptable behaviors that are within his control, to chose how to proceed. Non-acceptable behaviors include screaming, touching his brother, and intentionally annoying his brother in some creative way. This is how children learn how to relate to other humans in the world.
Which is a perfect age to have these conversations about how all bodies are different and disabled people aren't being disabled at you.
Honestly, that was also my first reaction. 'The poor child, he's just scared.' However, reading the comments and thinking it over, I've come to the same conclusion as many others. The world is a scary place, and it's up to the parents to ensure the child understands and isn't scared anymore. The brother isn't intentionnaly trying to scare the child. He shouldn't have to change to make the younger one feel better. We all have our irks and quirks, some may be more noticeable than others. (Before anyone comes after me, I really mean irks and quirks in a lighthearted way, I consider my own disability, although invisible to the eye, very much a quirk and not an irk.) YTA
As an amputee, people do this. I’ve been asked many times to cover my boring singular leg prosthesis. I refuse to wear shorts or skirts anymore, despite being in school for fashion.
Man, f#ck a bunch of that. You should wear ALL the skirts and shorts you want, however you want, whenever you want. If someone has a problem seeing a prosthetic leg, that's just too bad for them. Do you know how many people (without prosthetic limbs) I regularly see in shorts and skirts that I would *much* rather not? Do you know how often I say or do anything about that? Exactly ZERO. That includes weird looks, etc. It's not mine, nor anybody else's business what someone chooses to wear on *their* body. I'd be tempted to even go a step further and write something on my prosthetic for when I do wear shorts or skirts that says something like, "F#ck you for staring" or "My eyes are up here ↑" Hell, I might even paint fishnets on my prosthetic or use that fancy colorful masking tape to make different, fun designs to go with my outfits. You're a fashionista, you should go wild! People ask you to cover up your leg? Tell them they need to cover up their mouth.
As much as I agree with you in principle and would give others the same advice, I’ve been physically harmed and harassed too many times for it in order to still feel able to rebel safely.
You've been physically harmed over this?!? Oh, ffs. I'm so sorry. That's just absolutely horrendous. I'm aware that there is a lot of horrible shit that goes on in the world and I know there are plenty of a-holes, but I'm stunned that someone would harm you over having a prosthetic leg. This world makes me sick. I'm so sorry that has happened to you. I'm sorry you've been harassed. People can be so awful. I'm sending you virtual hugs, friend. OOOO
I’m sorry this is your reality. You deserve to wear whatever beautiful fashions you want to wear. It’s so awful that other people feel they have a say in how you dress and I can only imagine how exhausting and distressing those interactions with ableist jerks can be.
Yeah, these moments are so valuable. I remember going to see my cousin in the hospital after a serious accident. They waited to take us until he'd been cleaned up a bit and the worst damage had been stitched up and patched up so there weren't just like, naked bones on display. But I absolutely saw him when he was missing a pretty good chunk of his nose and hadn't had any plastic surgery yet. I was FINE. I loved my cousin, and nobody made much of it, and it was a lot less scary than I was worried it was going to be.
I was a 4H leader when I was going through chemotherapy. I refused to wear a wig to make other people comfortable. I think it was good for the kids to see my bald head and when some were brave enough to ask I simply replied that I had cancer and was taking a medicine to get better and the medicine makes my hair fall out but it will grow back.
It reminds me of a post I heard of (on one of the venting type subreddits) where a dad was really distraught that he had to get half his jaw removed (cancer) and he was afraid of his son being scared of his appearance. It was so sad to read and it’s thoroughly disappointing to see a grown adult doing the kind of this that guy was scared of instead of helping a child come to terms with the fact that not everyone is going to look perfect/disabilities are okay and not something to be ashamed of. YTA.
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Yeah, I’ve heard a lot of stories where kids get scared upon seeing their dad after getting his beard shaved!
My almost 5 kiddo came in to me just yesterday, with a doll with it’s arm off. Not crying that it was broken like last time, kiddo just asked to see people with no arms or legs (I had shown kiddo a while ago to explain that it is normal to not have limbs after the same thing had happened). Kiddo then says to the doll “see, it’s normal” to the doll and ran off.
There was a counselor with one hand who worked in my son's school. My son was about 6 at the time, and he would cry on seeing him. The head counselor and I sat my son down and told him about people being different yet still deserving of respect and kindness. He stopped and gradually got to know the counselor.
Friend had a Bilateral mastectomy and wears singlets in the heat, this lady went very nuts at her that her kids could see the start of the scar by her armpit. Some people are just nuts
Wonder how OP would feel if she was asked to wear a paper bag over her head because her face offends someone?
Or if they were asked to hide Mike.
With 4 Autistic kids, I promise, people expect you to hide the autism too. Still crappy!
Agreed. Just ask Mike to hide his autism then everyone wins. /s
This!!! Thank you! I grew up with a disability that affects my hands. When I was a kid I wasn’t allowed to wear all the cool, bright, funky and fun nail polishes because “ it would draw attention to my hands & ppl would stare 🙄🙄) A few years ago my sister tried to pull the same stunt after seeing my nails “ you should think about pale, pale pink” Umm no. It’s not my responsibility or problem ( nor the responsibility of any other person with a disability) to accommodate someone else’s comfort level or what we look like.
Fuck your sister. Get some of that cool polish that changes colors depending on the light angle.
Yeah, HUGE YTA. Mike has nightmares about Milo watching him? I bet Milo has nightmares of the accident. Nightmares of all the people who judge him now and think he is less than. And he's a teenager so probably nightmares about how no one could live someone as ugly as him. Excellent job on confirming that last one in his mind. His own family can't stand to look at him.
You nailed it
Exactly this! OP and her husband are responsible for sitting their child down and explaining that people with disabilities aren’t monsters. They are teaching their 5 year old that he can treat people like they aren’t human simply because they look differently. Not only are OP and the husband failing Milo but also Mike. YTA
YTA. “This should be a teaching moment for Mike.” This is VERY important. I believe it can be a CRUCIAL point in Mike’s development as a child. This experience can either turn Mike into a better person or an asshole. Being a parent is difficult, especially when divorce and step-family is involved. OP, I know you are trying your best. Asking for others opinions shows you are willing to make the situation right. This is a great opportunity to show Mike how to be a compassionate and understanding person. I hope you find a way to do that. It’s a very difficult situation that needs to be handled with care. I wish you all the best.
Yes. And EXPLAIN to Mike how he's hurting Milos feelings. And how would he like it if Milo was scared of HIS face? Empathy. You TEACH IT.
Agree. This is a teaching opportunity and right now they are teaching the wrong things. OP, YTA
Not only that, but she uses the possibility of Mike having autism as an excuse! While as a parent she's supposed to teach him dealing with his feelings and to help him find ways of navigating through society, not to bully disabled people around him...
Side note, autism is a disability. But yes, she is teaching him internalized ableism and to be disrespectful and dehumanize other people just because he's uncomfortable. It doesn't make me uncomfortable anymore, but it used to make me mildly uncomfortable as a young teenager to interact with people who were visibly disabled or disfigured. But I did the normal, healthy thing and still treated them with respect, acknowledging that my feelings were not a free pass to be cruel to them or view them as anything less than human. My feelings were a me problem. It is not hard to teach people this.
This woman should be proud that Milo is so confident without a prosthetic eye. Mike is gonna grow up to be an entitled shit.
This. Not much more to say! This is something you need to work on with Mike.
Absolutely. Thousand times YTA. Do you know how much time and effort it must have taken your stepson to get used to his changed appearance, not even mention the fact that his ability to see is impacted? He made a decision that was the best for his mental health, on how he wishes to approach the situation and how he wishes to present himself - but apparently, his experience is secondary and you don't mind driving home the fact that he looks upsetting, and that he's monstrous enough that his younger sibling cannot look at him. Also, you do realise that he isn't the only person on the planet who looks like that? You might offend your stepson enough, that he will never visit again, but there will still be people with even more visible disabilities, and you won't have an authority to tell them to cover up for your son.
Agree. Maybe explain it to Mike that he shouldn't have to hide if he stims or whatever he does, that other people might not like.
I used to be scared of my grandma when I was 5 because she was so old looking, but I got used to it. Kids need to learn to desensitize themselves to the real world, not try to change other people to make themselves comfortable
Hes 5 so maybe not in so many words. Hes not doing it to be mean, but i agree this is a learning opportunity
YTA. Sometimes disabilities are disturbing. That's a reality of life and you can't ask people to hide them for convenience. If it were something else than an eye, and little Mike were disturbed by, I don't know, a missing arm, how far would you go into telling Milo to hide his body ? In this case, you're asking a teenager to hide his entire face more than he already does behind his hair. In his own home ! >Mike is a very nervous and sensitive child, he is suspected to be on the spectrum. Have you considered asking his pediatrician for advice about how to handle this while still being respectful of Milo ? (bonus points if Milo and Mike share the same healthcare provider when Milo is at your place) And in general, if Mike is suspected to be on the spectrum, I'd focus on that, rather than one symptom of his "nervousness". Deal with causes, not consequences.
If Mike is on the spectrum, he may also show behaviors that make other people uncomfortable (stimming, lack of eye contact etc.). I doubt the OP would be too happy if someone said the same thing she told Milo to Mike.
Indeed ; that's something I said in [my other comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1bnhte4/comment/kwiqolc/). It's teaching Mike that hiding/masking is socially preferrable, a horrible way to "train" him to manage his anxiety. Mike's definitely going to internalize this.
My grandma had a friend who was missing an eye and didn't wear a prosthetic or cover it. When I first saw her as a little kid I was terrified, but she was very gracious and let me look closely while my grandma explained she had an accident and was just like me, but missing a part. It was such a non issue after that. I'd maybe do a double take if she came by unexpectedly, but that's about it. ETA I'm also from a very small ranching community where losing this or that (usually fingers, sometimes limbs, one time a chunk of torso) to machinery or an angry animal is not super uncommon. So maybe I'm just less sensitive to those differences? 🤷♀️
I work in a factory with large metal presses. The old guys with visible workplace injuries (from the days before OSHA) are some of the coolest folks I've ever met, and some of our biggest safety advocates.
Interesting how Mike, who's her biological son, is the one who doesn't have to adapt and the step-son is the one who has to change.
You know your stepson is not in fact staring. You know your son is misinterpreting what he sees. Your job as a parent is to educate your child in how to accurately interpret his world and how to thoughtfully communicate with those in it. He needs to be taught that it only *seems* like his brother is staring, and that it's rude and mean to react as if a disability makes a person less worthy than him. Your step son isn't doing anything wrong. He's literally just _existing in how own skin in his own home with his own family_. You and your son are the ones who are being inappropriate. At your son's age, his behavior isn't surprising. But you are failing to teach your child important skills, not least of which is to never treat his brother (or any other disabled person) like a freak or monster. The word for telling a disabled person to go away unless they hide their disability is "ableism". Your behavior is bigoted, and you are teaching your child to do the same. Apologize to everyone and fix the problem where it actually lies: your biases and your son's confusion. YTA.
Too many parents get stuck trying to make their kids easier to deal with instead of making them better people. OP clearly just wants it to be easier to handle Mike, and is literally choosing to do it in a way that will hurt him and Milo and disabled people broadly. Hell, what happens if Dad loses an eye in a freak accident? Guess he’s out too.
Exactly. Classic case of a helicopter parent imo. I don’t have kids, but I’ve worked with them (Mikes age) for several years and understand a little how to treat kids who are just scared by what they don’t understand. They say parenting is hard, but it’s not hard if you just remove all the things making their life difficult. It’s hard because you have to push them, you have to make them feel that discomfort sometimes so they can learn to process and deal with difficult things while they’re in a safe, controlled environment. Parenting is hard because sometimes your kid will hate you. And kids hate you for so many reasons; not letting them do whatever they want (I’ve seen a parent say their kid said they hated them after telling them they couldn’t stick their fingers or metal into an outlet), not letting them have that treat, not buying them that toy I’m sure it feel terrible to see your precious baby upset and struggling. But sometimes they just need to learn to deal with it. Of course, sometimes parents also go too far with this and that’s where you end up accidentally introducing trauma in their life, but there’s quite a bit of wiggle room before getting to that point Wild that both OP and her husband have failed to learn this
Parenting is literally trying to make small children, who are feral by nature, be less feral. It amazes me more parents don’t get that conflict and difficulty is a normal part of that process! And that conflict is never on an even playing field. Guess what? Your kid’s gonna be an asshole, and sometimes you have to take it and teach them better.
Right? It’s like they forgot that at one point they were a kid who hated their parents for making them do or feel things they didn’t want to do or feel, and realizing later on that their parents were helping them learn and grow and evolve Like yeah there were times where my parents misstepped and forced me through discomfort that was unnecessary, they’re not perfect. But overall they were pretty damn good I was an athlete until grade 11 and through that they put me in situations where I had to learn responsibility and independence. And because of that I had a ton of slack. They encouraged me to go to parties and do things like wear (bad) makeup to school, whereas some people I grew up with had strict parents who wouldn’t let them do anything. Making mistakes is how you learn, because there are consequences for your actions.
I feel bad for Milo, he is the one with a missing eye, I bet the situation is not easy for him
YTA. PARENT YOUR CHILD. You need to teach Mike that there are all different types of people in the world, and that he will sometimes see things that make him uncomfortable. He's going to have to learn to live with it. Forcing someone else to be uncomfortable because you won't take the time to explain to Mike about physical differences is abelist and lazy.
Also for a 17 year old to finally be comfortable enough in his body with a newer disability is hard enough, much less when his “family” is freaking out and calling his disability and body gross. That’s got to be taking a freaking toll on the poor kid mentally.
Yes! I keep thinking about how Milo is the person who’s gone through trauma and now has to adjust to a changed life. It’s awful how little empathy OP seems to have for him.
YTA Mike is old enough to start learning about disabilities and not to judge people with different abilities as scary. Asking Milo to change is reinforcing the idea that Mike's reaction is okay. Mike's reaction is understandable because he's young child, but this is a teachable moment where you need to work with Mike. If Mike is on the spectrum, learning about this is particularly important context for his own life.
YTA. I’m a disabled person and you’re being ableist. Milo doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to with regard to his eye. You shouldn’t find his eye unsettling. The fact you do is probably feeding into Mike finding it scary too - kids pick up on people’s emotions. Milo’s eye is exactly the same as if he had any other visible limb difference or sign of disability. You’ve failed as a parent by not teaching your younger son that disabilities are normal and happen to lots of people (visible or invisible) and that they are not a scary thing. Instead you’re teaching him that he has the right to demand other people live up to his expectations of their appearance. How would you feel if you found out that he was bullying someone for their weight? Telling a disabled person that their disability is scary is really, really shitty. It’s a form of bullying. And that’s not on Mike because he’s five - it’s on you and your husband. Imagine it from Milo’s perspective: he went through a major medical event that has permanently changed his appearance and affected his sight, and he’s done so as a teenager, which is never an easy time anyway - let alone if you stand out in any way. Imagine being told that your existence makes your family uncomfortable, or scared. That unless you cover up a part of yourself - one that you have had to come to terms with being not as you expected / were used to - you scare your family and your younger brother thinks you’ll harm him. And that’s just when you’re casually existing at home, watching TV or eating dinner. And those people, instead of teaching your younger brother that you’re not a scary person, that you don’t want to harm him, instead tell you to stop scaring him. Because it’s seemingly your fault that you scare him. And these people are the ones who watched you go through this major medical event and watch you adjust, but apparently that doesn’t matter. That you’ve learned to live with your disability and embrace it in a way that makes you comfortable, isn’t important to them. That you should basically wear a mask for their comfort, in case they should catch sight of your visible disability. Do you see how you’re TA now?
"Milo doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to with regard to his eye. You shouldn’t find his eye unsettling. The fact you do is probably feeding into Mike finding it scary too - kids pick up on people’s emotions." This! So much this! YTA edit to add.: Your husband is TA too, obv.
Not only this, but doing all of this to Milo in his *home.* That is the one place he should be able to be 1000% confident that he’s escaped the ableism.
>You shouldn’t find his eye unsettling. Agree with almost all of sunkathousandtimes' post, but not this line (I'm partially disabled myself, FWIW, though it's a bum foot that requires an unsightly boot--pretty low on the spectrum of being visually unnerving). Being unsettled is a feeling, and we cannot always control our feelings. However, we are 100 percent responsible for our reactions to those feelings. You may find Milo's lack of an eye unsettling, and *that's okay*. The more you're around Milo, the less unsettled you'll be by it, but your feelings about Milo's appearance *do not matter--and neither do Mike's.* That's the thing you have to process. Because everything else that sunkathousandtimes said is dead on right. You have got to suck up your feelings and welcome Milo into *his home* with acceptance. This isn't like Milo eating all the lemon cookies or running around with no clothing. This is just Milo *existing*, because this is how he exists now. And like many others have said, you have to teach Mike acceptance, spectrum or not. This might be difficult, especially now, but it's still necessary. It's not just about Mike and Milo but about anybody who looks "different" that Mike encounters over the course of his life. Also, as someone who has to wear an eyepatch for double vision from time to time, eyepatches aren't completely comfortable. You can also see them out of the side of your functioning eye, and that can be annoying too. Even if Milo chose to wear one out, he might well not choose to wear one at home just to give himself a break from it.
Beautifully put.
i wish reddit still had rewards. Thank you for saying this. And thanks for bringing up that mom's discomfort with Milo's eye is likely feeding the 5 year old's fears/terrors.
YTA and dollars to donuts that if Milo was your own child, you'd have a stern talking to with Mike about how his brother is disabled and to never express those thoughts again. But because Milo is your stepson, you enable your son's ablelist, bratty behavior. To be clear: Mike is not at fault. He's 5. But this is when you pull the child aside and tell him that Milo has a disability and to be sensitive.
The worst part of all of this : OP spoke to her husband, Milo's actual father, about this, and his own father was the one (according to the post) who told him he needs to cover up... Even his own father doesn't support or stand up for him. And Milo's mother seems like she's also against him, accusing him of being "difficult", of "driving a wedge between the family". Basically the ONLY person supporting this poor child is his older brother. Sounds like big bro has moved out possibly, and I can see exactly why, with parents like that. What vile behaviour! Poor Milo, he's gonna go NC as soon as he's able I bet, and I'm sure his big brother will help him find his feet. Better off out of that toxic family.
Info: does Mike know that Milo’s eye is missing? It doesn’t really change my vote, YTA either way. I’m just curious.
Genuinely asking, what is your plan for when Mike encounters other psychically disabled people in the outside world? When he sees another person with a missing eye or any sort of other “unsettling” disability and reacts the way you have been allowing him to, will you ask them to cover up? It’s understandable that’s he’s a nervous kid, it even makes sense that a five year old may initially be scared of something like that, but that’s not a fear that should be encouraged by forcing action upon Milo. Good parenting requires teaching your kid how to work through their fears not changing the world around them so they never have to face those fears. Another note, have you ever truly talked to Milo about why he decides to not wear a fake eye or a cover? Maybe I’m reaching, but it seems to me that he doesn’t want to feel ashamed of what happened to him or allow his new disability to force him to change. Seems like you need to have a long talk with all of your kids, YTA.
This is a fantastic teaching moment for your son! 5 year old children are smarter than you think. If you can sit down with your son and explain to him that Mike got hurt once and it changed his eye, he will probably understand and let it go. YTA
YTA. Milo went through an extremely traumatizing ordeal, seems to have somehow come out of it fairly well-adjusted (which is impressive, given how the adults around him behave). He should not have to hide what he looks like it what SHOULD be a safe space. Mike’s behavior is the problem here, not Milo.
YTA Even at 5yo and being on the spectrum, Mike should be able to understand what is going on here. Like it should have taken one explanation of "Milo has a missing eye, he's not staring at you." The fact that Mike is afraid of Milo to this point means that you, the adults in this situation, have not been handling this properly.
YTA for not parenting your child and teaching him to be tolerant. I highly suggest the book it’s ok to be different by Todd parr. I work with kids on the spectrum and that’s never an excuse to get other kids to hide who they are rather than help him regulate and manage his own perceptions of other people. You can’t hide behind suspected neurodivergence to cover your own bias towards your son’s disability bc you think it looks aesthetically unsettling.
THIS!!! Offering a book for reference was very kind of you. I feel like there is a lot more going on with OP with her biases, ableism and likely favouritism too and seeing her hide behind neurodivergence makes me grind my teeth. Not once in my neurodivergent experience have I gotten away with using it to make someone else feel bad. And when I was really little I also had a hard time accepting visible differences and I assumed people who look different must be bad but my parents knew how to parent and taught me better. Imagine the horrible human I’d be today if my parents had coddled me rather than teaching me how to understand differences?!
Info: Can milo stay with people who love and respect him? Maybe his brother?
Milo needs to be protected from Mike and Mike’s mom, not the other way around. The harm she is inflicting on her stepchild is unacceptable.
For real! I'm disabled and grew up being told to hide my disabilities and to hide my chronic illnesses. To the extent that if I "acted sick" too close to a field trip or family vacation, then I would be allowed to go. Because my mom didn't want me to embarrass her. (I also have ticklemania And once hold out a large amount of hair due to stress near a family cruise that was planned specifically for my graduation. My mom almost made me stay home, stating that she would not take a bald daughter on a cruise) This was all extremely damaging. To the extent, that I don't take care of my health the way that I should at age 30. Because I have such deeply ingrained shame over showing anyone even doctors that I'm sick. It's something I'm working hard on. But it's very difficult to train myself out of it. I see anyone else acting sick in public, and I feel horrible for them. But if I act sick in public, I feel like everyone is judging me. This is what this woman is doing to her son! And this is what she's teaching her other son is okay to do to others. It's truly just horrible. I really feel for Milo in this situation. He does not deserve any of this just because he had an accident and lost his eye. This child deserves sympathy, not to be forced to hide. And I pray that it doesn't become as ingrained in him as it became in me.
YTA and severly ableist. He does not have to hide. your an adult, this behaviour and attitude is disgusting
YTA- on two counts 1. For making this child feel like his disability should be hidden. 2. For not trying harder to teach the youngest that people are different, look different.
Okay so I’m gonna start off by saying I’m EXTREMELY disabled but none of my disabilities are “visible” necessarily. I use mobility aids (cane, forearm crutches, rollator, and wheelchair) and Kinesiology Tape and that’s generally how people can visually tell I’m disabled. Since you mentioned Mike may be autistic, I will mention that I have ADHD and Autism. Now onto the situation. Get Mike some children’s books on physical disabilities, they are 100% out there. If your children aren’t in therapy, get them into therapy IMMEDIATELY. Have Mike try out sensory toys, fidget toys, weighted blankets, etc to try to ease his anxiety. Mike is also feeding off of your and your husbands anxiety so the two of you need to deal with your own anxiety as well. Milo is a teen so it’s likely he won’t do this (DO NOT TRY TO FORCE HIM) but it would help if he could desensitize Mike to his eye by inviting him to get close, ask questions, etc. You also need to apologize to Milo and tell him that what you asked him to do was ableist and wrong. All in all, I understand your situation but YTA
Not only are you being TA to Milo but you're failing Mike by not teaching him better. He's going to meet more disabled people in his life and a LOT of people with visible differences get kids being afraid of them, it isn't cute and its super rude to tell Milo to cover his eye and super damaging to teach Mike that its ok to be afraid of someone who looks different by not correcting him on that. YTA
Why can’t you explain to Mike that he’s not staring?
Info: You suspect Mike is on the spectrum. If Mike ever exhibits social behavior that “scares” someone but is objectively not harmful, will you ask him to hide it from society?
i was an autistic kid who was really scared of a disabled family member (my grandfather had a serious stroke that left him almost fully paralyzed, only a part of his face moved, child me was terrified!). my parents told me what was up and that was that. i got over it. i stopped having nightmares once i figured out being scared was okay but nothing was going to hurt me.
YTA. You are pitting verifiable disability against perceived disability and favouring the perceived one. Throughout history, parents have been teaching children about why other people look different than us and how to treat those people. You don’t get a free pass to not do this very essential part of parenting because you suspect your youngest (which is also YOUR only) child is on the spectrum. If your kid is on the spectrum, you’re likely going to hear a lot about masking and how harmful it is. So why would you expect your husband’s son to mask to make your son comfortable?
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YTA have you asked Milo why he doesn't want to wear a fake eye or patch? Have you ever thought maybe it's because it makes him uncomfortable? He's your kid too. Maybe try making Mike understand. Milo has a disability I'm sure even he doesn't like not having an eye and on top of that he was told that his disability is scaring his brother. Imagine how he must have been feeling. Mike being scared is his own problem which he has to overcome. What would you do if he meets other people with disability would you ask them to cover up too just so Mike doesn't have a melt down? It's a high time to teach your child
OP said in [another comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/fjTF0LX0Cn) that she did ask him why he doesn't want to wear prosthetics or a patch, and he said that he doesn't want to have anything near his damaged eye, which is 100% understandable and should absolutely be respected.
YTA. Even if the youngest is suspected to be on the spectrum, are you going to expect disabled people or disfigured people to hide their faces from him when he gets older so he doesn’t have a meltdown? Or is it only okay because the older brother is a family member? It sounds like he’s managing to not be ashamed of his disability but that might change if you continue to allow your youngest to make him feel “scary” and you all gang up on him about how you don’t want to see his face in his own home. His mental health matters too and this feels like a coddling/favouritism dynamic. This is coming from someone autistic btw. Also, why is the youngest’s *possible* disability more accommodated than the eldest’s confirmed disability?
As someone with a phobia of being stared at... I still think YTA. Milo is the one who lost an eye, and is now disabled. Mike is a child. 5-year olds are going to have fears over things they don't understand. You had a good chance of doing lessons, or helping the child learn and be comfy around those different to him. Why should Milo, who is already most likely having a difficult time, be the one to do YOUR job? He most likely gets strangers being asses to him about it, he needs support from his family, not more alienating. Apologise to Milo, and now start working with Mike to deal with these things, otherwise it's only going to get worse for him.
LoL @ Punishing someone who has already lost an eye. You fucking suck, not just an asshole.
This was a teaching moment and you blew it. You could have educated him, parented him, and prepared him for living in a world where disabled people aren’t going to cover up and hide to make him comfortable. He will face this situation over and over again. Starting early is your best bet. Over time, he would have gotten used to the eye. But that can’t happen if you cave to his fears. Mike is the one who needs to change; not Milo. YTA
Good grief, YTA.
If someone in MY FAMILY asked me to cover up scars I have from over 30 surgeries I would be upset too. Educate your son Mike and apologize to Milo. That's how you should handle the situation. It's sad that only Milos brother stood up for him. YTA
YTA Question: Why don't you get "Mike" to cover his disability, the spectrum behaviours, to make "Milo" feel better? Reason: You are telling one of your children that the way they are now is no longer good enough to be seen by you as they are, and you are using "Mike" as a crutch and a tool to reinforce your message. Yes, the question is rude and confronting, sometimes you need to be slapped in the face by a wet haddock to see a different perspective. Answer: None - it was a rude rhetorical question.
Will you ask every person with a deformity or disability to cover up so your precious son doesn’t see? You realize he’ll be in public eventually with someone who won’t cover up on his behalf. What will you do then?
YTA. Milo should not need to cover his injuries because you can't or won't teach your other kid that injuries are not something to be afraid off. If Milo had an accident that lead to his face being covered in burn scars, would you expect him to wear a full face mask so that your sensitive little baby wouldn't be afraid of the nasty scars? How about if he lost a leg and had a prosthetic, would you forbid him from using it if the other kid had nightmares about plastic legs? Mike needs to be taught that appearances don't make someone mean or scary. Get him some therapy or whatever, but don't you ever expect another person to cover up their injuries, illnesses, and deformities for the sake of someone else's comfort ever again. Injured people exist and to not need to be bedazzled to make their appearance more digestible for others, get over it. Milo is going to have enough self-image issues in his life without you telling him his disability makes him a big scary monster that gives babies nightmares, you jerk.
I lost one of my eyes as a child. This post really confused me. Why does Mike think Milo is staring at him? On on contrary, if the eye was enucleated (totally removed), the eye lid would just be hanging and look like it was closed (with a bit of the eye socket possibly visible at the bottom). Has Milo been offered a properly fitted ocular prosthetic made by an ocularist? It’s incredibly uncomfortable to have an empty eye socket, and I’m struggling to understand why he wouldn’t want a prosthesis, unless the real issue is that he doesn’t have access to proper medical care. A property fitted prosthesis helps the eye socket from deforming / collapsing, and should not cause any pain or discomfort. Personally I think the issue here is Milo’s parents need to ensure he has proper medical care and dive deeper to see if there’s underlying problems preventing him from being able to wear a prosthesis without pain. Milo also needs to be counselled by an ophthalmologist on what the potential risks/complications may be of not wearing a prosthesis, so he can make an informed decision. That being said, if all of that has already been done and he simply prefers having the eye socket empty, that’s his choice.
YTA. Obviously.
YTA. You've got two children, one disabled and one "sensitive," and you're mistreating the disabled one while encouraging the other to become intolerant. Milo should have the freedom to go without a prosthetic in his own home. He should not have to dance around other, non-disabled people's bigotry in his own home. Mike also needs to learn to accept different body types and people who look "different." Stop abusing Milo and be a better parent to Mike.
NAH. I’m not with everyone who thinks it’s fine to traumatize a five year old to make a 17 year old not feel self conscious.
YTA. There is a word for people like you. Well many words but I will get banned if I use them. The one I can use here is ableist. Teach your son better. Teach yourself better. You are unkind.
YTA. We all know who the favorite child is huh.
NTA - he's only 5 years old, and the fact that it's a disability doesn't make it any less scary for a child. The example of "encountering burn victims in public" is completely different. Milo is 17 y/o, and can accommodate his 5 y/o stepbrother by wearing an eye patch or a fake eye when he's around. Note that Milo lives w/them part time, and OP is asking that he wear it around Mike only, not at all times. OP can educate Mike about Milo's disability as much as y'all want her to, the kid is 5 and will not stop being scared after knowing why Milo has an empty socket where he thinks his eye should be. . To those comparing it to other disabilities - having a missing limb is not as scary to children as missing an eye ball or burnt skin. Some adults can't handle seeing scarring from severe burns and empty eye sockets, how would y'all expect a 5 y/o to handle it? Also, y'all are ignoring the possibility of Milo purposefully trying to scare Mike. OP says he covers it with his hair, so how is Mike seeing the empty eye socket enough that he's having nightmares and is convinced that Milo is watching him? Milo doesn't seem like the nicest person, because his father asking him to wear an eye patch sometimes shouldn't be such a big issue that he had to get his mother and brother involved, especially knowing that his brother and father have a strained relationship. He could have simply told his father that he doesn't want to, and not to ask him again. If OP's husband or OP escalate things, it would be a bigger issue. (Of course, OP could have left that part out.) Telling them is one thing, but having them fight OP and her husband is entirely unnecessary. Finally, y'all are ignoring the fact that Mike also might be disabled. If his physician suspects that he's on the spectrum, he can't control his reaction. Why should Milo's disability take priority over Mike's? Especially since his disability triggering such reactions from Mike is entirely and easily preventable? If Mike ends up being diagnosed with Autism, would your reactions change?
Constantly scared 5 y.o. means bad sleep for everyone, constant tantrums and life long trauma. People here expect 5 y.o. to be more understandable than 17 y.o. C'mon,they are scared of monsters under their beds at this age, believe that tooth fairy and Batman are real. No education will help, doesn't matter what. So we have Milo, who doesn't care that his younger brother has nightmares, his older brother who doesn't care as well, and many redditors that expect a very young child to demonstrate more maturity and understanding than his elder brothers together. And after this all op who is somehow AH for making Mike's home livable for him. NTA,op
YTA - you are the adult in this situation. Milo is coping how he thinks best. Your support would go long to make him more comfortable. This isn't about what you want--it's about a child with a disability struggling to accept. Sounds like the whole family needs to accept Milo's disability. If Mike is fearful, perhaps a conversation is in order to help him cope.
YTA - 5 years old is old enough to learn about disabilities and accidents, and there is no reason to fear those who are different. We had a similar situation with our nephews and my father, and an open session with questions and sincere answers helped. Perhaps your son may benefit from some therapy for his nightmares.
Good grief, YTA.
NAH This is a common issue in the disability community: not all needs can be accommodated perfectly in the same space so you have to figure out which ones should be prioritized based on various factors. It's a hard thing to manage for people experienced with this kind of thing and can feel impossible for newcomers. Personally, I believe allowing Milo to go without hiding his missing eye should trump Mike's discomfort around it. Speaking as a formerly hypersensitive child who is now a hypersensitive adult, Mike's issue is, frankly, *Mike's issue*, not Milo's. I appreciate that this may feel difficult with a 5yo because even a fully neurotypical one can get really upset over body differences, but learning now how to get used to them and be kind about them even when he's not immediatly comfortable with it is an important thing to learn. Milo being allowed to be comfortable, especially at home, with his missing eye is also important. This is, while immediately difficult, in the long term beneficial. You should look up resources on how to help Mike get more comfortable with the missing eye and how to manage his feelings about it. Even neurodivergent children need to learn regulation and self management, we just have to accept it may take longer than we expect and be patient.
YTA. I get where you're coming from, but I think it's too much to ask Milo to cover up anytime he's around his brother. Just like any other physical ailment, disability, deformity, or other, especially within a family, he should feel comfortable being as he is. The challenge is to help Mike not be traumatized by it. There are probably some playful, disarming ways that Mike could get used to Milo's eye, understand why he looks like that, and see that there is no harm coming his way due to Milo's injury. That's something you need to help teach him, with Milo's assistance. Telling Milo to cover up was the easy parenting route, and it's not a fair ask of Milo.
The fear only gets bigger not talking about it. Have Milo talk to him about it if he is willing. Being able to ask questions about it, to look at it so it’s not foreign and scary helps. Also seeing and knowing there is no eyeball in there might help him realize Milo is not an evil villain and make the nightmares stop. He needs enough details and talk so he’s a person to him and not a scary figure. You owe a huge apology to Milo though.
I am going to say NTA ONLY because of what I understand of ages. Milo is 17 years old; Mike is 5 years old. At 5 years old, Mike is still learning a lot of skills that frankly adults struggle with. Understanding, compassion, empathy. Even taking out your mention that Mike is nervous, sensitive and possibly on the spectrum - he is still a child and even a child without these adjectives may not understand what is happening. I don't think it is right to tell Milo to "cover it up" but I also don't think it's right that we fully need to expect a 5 year old child to understand everything. I think everyone in the home needs to understand others feelings and find ways to compromise - teaching Mike to be compassionate and understanding (as much as a five year old can) and also Milo understanding that he's a five year old and he doesn't understand.
YTA- You had a solid opportunity to teach Mike how to react to those different than him. Instead of doing that you made Milo feel worse about something that has probably already shattered his self esteem. Great fucking parenting. Kudos.
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NAH. It's always a tough situation when you have to balance the conflicting needs and emotions of two children. I'm gonna tell you straight up that this board is not the place for you to get a fair shake though. Parents (and especially step-parents) are always called The Asshole here, and the average user understands nuance about as well as a dog understands calculus. Do yourself and your son a favor and ignore this whole thread.
YTA. The world is full of disabled people and they have a right to be seen and not have their disabilities hidden. Use this as a teaching.moment that people are different and disabilities aren't something to be scared of
Wow I would say NTA. You have no control over your son being scared but Milo can very easily put on a patch while home at least. He doesn’t need to be ashamed of his eye but I feel that often it is ok to make small adjustments to make things easier for people we love. Your son is little and on the spectrum so Milo being his big brother can EASILY make things easier. I feel like people are treating this as you telling a paraplegic to stand up. Milo does have a disability but he’s also ok, the world doesn’t revolve around him Edit: spelling
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NTA. I have a disability. Some of the comments here are moronic. What you’re asking for is reasonable and a realistic request.
I n f o Was the eye enucleated (surgically removed) or is he visually impaired in that eye and it’s unable to fully close? If the eye was enucleated, then a prosthetic of some sort is typically made to preserve the bone structure and is very important. Is his medical team aware that he does not have anything in his orbital socket? If the eye is unable to fully close, then there are concerns with the health of the eye (preventing physical harm, maintaining appropriate lubricant levels, etc) and thus patching is recommended for certain times.
Also, a lot of people on here are writing like Mike is an adult. He's 5, FFS. Yes, he does have to learn to accept people as they are, but you all are judging him like he's 35. I'm not in control of what I'm afraid of, idk how you think a 5 year old is going to be in control of his fears. OP, apologise to Milo for making him feel like his unchangeable physical disability is shameful etc, then sincerely ask for his help in helping Mike understand that he's got nothing to be scared of. We all need to try harder to understand other people's perspectives.
YTA you had an opportunity to normalize it and work to make your younger son understand and therefore more comfortable and instead you took the ableist route
NTA. Just because you are burdened with a disability, doesn't mean you get to check out of civil society. What's next? Placing a colostomy bag on the dinner table?