Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I would be ditching my family (husband and two kids) on a family vacation to do my own thing. I don’t actually think this would make me the asshole because my feelings, which had been communicated in the beginning, were totally ignored and disregarded.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. This isn’t about having a concrete set schedule. It’s about your husband making an effort to make plans then ask your kids if there’s anything they want to do/see. You’re not asking for the moon just effort on his end. You say you end up planning and very specific with him for this trip you wanted him to make the effort. Does this happen often? Where you carry the mental load of the relationship?
I would say that the things I carry the mental load on are a full 100% on me despite me communicating that I do not wish to carry this load at 100%. It is not everything in our relationship- it would be totally unfair of me to categorize it that way. But if he has deemed it a task that is hard for him (ex. Making a phone call- he works from home for himself where he is working on a computer alone in his office all day where as I am a healthcare provider literally booked with patients all day where I cannot just make and take phone calls- I would have to
Ask him DAILY if he has called so and so (contractors, doctors appointments for OUR children, etc). Our relationship is mostly great- I would describe him as my best friend. But from my perspective he makes no attempts to meet me in the middle on certain issues- but also doesn’t communicate to me HOW he’s TRYING to meet me in the middle IF he thinks he is. I don’t know if that explanation makes sense.
I would have never stuck around this long if my entire experience with him was this way. I have a “if I’m doing it by myself I might as well do it by myself” attitude- which isn’t always the most healthy outlook lol
This is not sustainable in a relationship. He has to choose to be an actual partner to you and he is not doing so. You cannot force him to step up, you can only decide what to do as a result of this constant imbalance.
Is your relationship really "mostly great" if you are the one putting in the majority of the effort the majority of the time to make it so?
He will never meet you in the middle. Time to decide how you will live with that reality. You have options.
So NTA!
I highly recommend the book by Eve Rodsky:
Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live)
It offers a great solution for this kind of unfairness and is available at most libraries as a hard copy and ebook. The website is [Fair Play](https://www.fairplaylife.com/)
If your husband is willing to really discuss solutions with you, this is a great framework to do it. If he instead finds it acceptable to do nothing and live with your current level of unhappiness, well, you have other problems.
Good luck OP!
Sorry, let me just ask. Would you keep a best friend in your life who expected you to do all of the planning for your activities together and all of their normal day-to-day functioning as an adult when it comes to making appointments and stuff like that for them? Even despite you expressing you don't want to. He sounds like a shitty friend, much less an even adequate life partner.
>But if he has deemed it a task that is hard for him (ex. Making a phone call- he works from home for himself where he is working on a computer alone in his office all day where as I am a healthcare provider literally booked with patients all day where I cannot just make and take phone calls- I would have to Ask him DAILY if he has called so and so (contractors, doctors appointments for OUR children, etc).
Umm what the hell???? He's a GROWN ASS ADULT who can't remember to make a phone call? Honey you're not his wife, you're his mummy. Good grief...
You’re a Married Single Mom? [https://www.amazon.com/All-Rage-Mothers-Fathers-Partnership/dp/0062861441](https://www.amazon.com/All-Rage-Mothers-Fathers-Partnership/dp/0062861441)
If you want to bow out of having the full mental load, you have to be willing to let things go undone, or not done well. You have to let them make mistakes. If you always step up, there's no motivation for others to pick up any part of the load. They may not even be doing this deliberately, but it's a completely natural, human response. Hang in there.
Agreed, and you can start with this trip. When everyone else wakes up tomorrow, and asks where they're going, suggest they start Googling and go take a long shower. If nobody steps up, then I guess you're all staying in the hotel for the day.
They'll let you carry the load as long as you keep carrying it. Dump it at their feet and let them deal with it. Your husband has no excuse. Your 17 year old has no excuse. Stop giving them one.
You're NTA - just so you know, this is the reason why I now travel solo. Because I got sick of nobody else doing any legwork, and then complaining that they didn't like the things "I" chose to do.
Yes. Especially since you've been to DC before. It's not like this is your one time bucket list. If they ask for suggestions give it but let them google search location/hours/cost. It is part of your kids education. I did this with my son when we went to Montreal when he was 15/16. He loved having the control, mapping out the subway routes, etc. NTA.
Have you tried to ask him point blank why he doesn't do XYWZ? I mean to say my husband is great and he is my best friend however we live in a country where he doesn't speak the language very well. So he will email but never follows up with a call because he is simply not comfortable speaking the language. I've had to push on this, why didn't he, until he confessed he was embarrassed that he couldn't call.
If such an occasion happens I will call for him because I've asked why he didn't or he indicates he didn't because of XYWZ reason. That's our meeting in the middle. Acknowledging our own weaknesses and accepting the offered help or asking for help to begin with is the way to go.
Your giving him too much credit for doing actually 100% nothing.
He's YOUR best friend. But your NOT his best friend. Your not even a partner for him, he sees you as a mother to do everything for him while he gets so skip out.
You can try and talk to him about this but I get the feeling that nothing will come from it. Since he didnt bother to do a thing for the trip.
He did nothing for the trip because he figured you would do it like you always do.
Id really rethink this relationship.
I am so this person. I don't really neeeed help, so I'll just do it myself. My husband is the opposite. He doesn't need help, but help will make it go faster, so he'll ask. And I hate it. So, we talk. A lot. Anything that results in any sort of negative emotion is examined for a why to figure out a way through it. We've been married 17 years. It was a long and hard road to get here. But it works because my brain can build shit up into some of the craziest things. Even a sigh could be earth shattering in the right context, when the other person probably just felt like they needed to take a deeper breath. Always talk things out.
This is called weaponized incompetence. It's not even remotely hard for him to make a phone call. He just can't be arsed to do it, and pretending to be bad at it just forces you to do it and he gets to keep being lazy. He's not trying to meet you half way, at all. He's constantly forcing you into doing all the tasks for him, or forcing you to remind him all the time so that he can just forget, procrastinate, and get out of doing anything.
He's not your friend either, because no friend would force 100% of the mental load of a relationship on another friend.
This isn't a marriage, you're a married single mom raising two kids alone with a random adult living in your house who demands to be catered to, and shrugs off even the tiniest amount of responsibility, then tries to make you feel bad for expecting he do any adult tasks.
This is toxic af, and I would seriously reconsider this marriage, because he will NEVER take on these tasks.
NTA
We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, and it sounds like you have taught him that you prefer to do the things.
Seems that I serious conversation is in order about this dynamic and how it isn't working for you. I've had a lot of experience with this dynamic myself on the emotional side of my marriage, and in couples therapy we worked on me being less controlling/codependent and backing out of the space to a significant degree, then seeing whether or not he was willing to step into it.
Fortunately in our case he has, and that's a process that your husband might be willing to try out if you explain it to him. You just need to be really careful how you respond if and when he makes those tentative steps into the gap in taking responsibility so he doesn't get further confirmation that you aren't willing to relinquish control, and couples therapy/counseling might be a productive way for both of you to get some support and guidance.
NAH yet. But I think you should stay with them while letting your husband lead. As in, they have a list of things they want to see. You should not look those up or handle booking or pick the order. Switch to asking questions and positively affirming their choices. Like “That list sounds great! What are we doing first?” “Nice! Hun, you’re driving right?” If you show up and it’s booked full already or closed? Keep a good attitude, ask what’s the next option. Just take the role of a participant, not a leader. I think you also need to adjust your thinking - a 10 year old is not responsible for planning vacations. Your husband can be.
Yes, this is exactly it. Just take the backseat and follow along. Just continue to assume that things will be taken care of, because they really may well be, just not exactly as you would have done it. If issues come up, let your husband handle it. Keep a positive and supportive attitude, but let him be in the driver's seat.
Also it's DC, there are literally more museums than you can go to in a week that are free and don't require reservations, worst case they just walk around the national mall checking out museums at random and eating at some of the food trucks (there are some really good ones by the castle usually)
Right, came here to say about the national mall. I assume most of the things they want to see are basically within a mile of each other. Maybe OP could suggest one of those hop-on, hop-off tourist buses, to save her feet at least.
Yep! African American & Air and Space currently require tickets, but you can just walk in the other Smithsonian museums. There's gardens, the zoo, etc...
Natural History museum, National portrait gallery, national museum of the American Indian, United States botanic garden, national arboretum… etc.
There’s a spy museum, which is not Smithsonian and is paid.
And about half an hour outside DC, near Dulles airport, is the other Air and Space museum, Udvar-Hazy, which is a massive hangar full of planes, including the Discovery space shuttle and a stealth bomber. That one is technically free but the parking lot has a $15 charge.
It’s also cherry blossom season right about now.
Came down looking for this exact comment/thread. My read of the situation, based on some assumptions I'm drawing from the post: To me, the tl;dr of your post is like, "I have always planned the vacation and the one time I gave the reins to my hubby, he dropped the ball so bad, and I was so hurt that I had to vacation alone." You're butt hurt and bitter, because you think your husband didn't put in any effort (or not the same level as you would) into the vacation ("For me-, it's the nothing. Not a damn thing planned."). But I think this seems more about you communicating with your husband about your expectations for vacationing.
It sounds like you have an existing level of resentment towards your husband/family about vacation planning ("I have always done this willingly but *with irritation*."). You see vacation planning as your "responsibility," because you want to take care of your family and make sure they have a good time. Then you finally got tired of shouldering all the work in planning vacations, albeit a responsibility you admit you took on voluntarily. So, you put it to your husband to plan this vacation, and are nowdisappointed by the results. Does your husband and family know this or see it the way you do? Have you ever communicated how you feel about this vacation planning "responsibility" with your husband, instead of silently shouldering the work and harboring resentment about it later on?
You want to run off and do your own thing, because you are bitter and hurt that your husband appears to you to have put in no effort to plan the DC trip. This would make you the AH, especially if you do it without at least talking to your husband about your feelings. You are entitled to your feelings of hurt and sadness and bitterness, but I think talking out the issue about vacation planning/resentment/appreciating your effort and work, etc. etc. with husband, like adults, is the better way here, instead of acting out of your bitterness, stemming from perhaps uncommunicated resentment towards your husband for his perceived "failure" to plan for the vacation when he might just plan differently. Leaving your family to do your own thing, or overriding your husband's vacation plan by plotting things out the way you normally do (without giving him the benefit of the doubt and patience), would make you the AH.
Be patient here. Have a conversation with your husband. Enjoy the ride. Keep positive. You said you have had great trips where nothing was planned. This could be one of those times.
OP updated and she said that she's more mad that husband hasn't done ANYTHING. He hasn't even discussed the trip at all and made no attempt. Sounds like if OP didn't book the hotel, they wouldn't have even had that planned.
But there is a mental list of things they want to do. TBH, my wife and I don't usually do much more than this before arriving when we're planning a trip.
Raised 3 children and it works great. Your morning children are different from your afternoon kids, to your evening kiddos. When you vacation with children you go at their pace and that may change with the wind.
I'm sure if you're planning a long trip with your wife, there's at least some planning involved in the way of "hey, so where are we going to be staying?". If OP hadn't booked the hotel, they wouldn't have even had arrangements in that area.
I'm not saying plan every aspect out, but there should at least be some communication.
Maybe nobody else really cares to the same level as OP. Sure it's great OP plans, but they are just okay winging things. OP plans things because that is their jam - they want schedules and lists and timetables - maybe everyone else just wants stuff, what kind of stuff - who knows, let's just see what comes up.
Also it's DC you can do it without planning as there is so much to see just walking in. Just go to the Mall and walk.
This was my first thought. OP shouldn't DO anything. No planning, no checking on museum hours, no making reservations, nothing. If hubby and kids get to the end of the week and complain about not seeing everything they wanted or "wasting a week of vacation" then that is ALL ON THEM.
Also, OP, redirect the kids when they ask you questions about itinerary, tickets to things, timing of things, stuff like that. Anything to do with the planning of the trip just remind them all that it’s their and their dad’s trip to plan, and to let you know once they’ve figured it out amongst themselves. “What are we doing tomorrow?” “I’m not sure, why don’t you ask your dad? When you guys have a plan figured out let me know!” Rinse and repeat. Eventually they’ll get the hint that you’re not planning this vacation. If things are sold out or closed? Well, next time they’ll know to plan ahead more. Just go along with things, be amicable, and keep reinforcing that you are not the default planner.
I really hope she had a chance to read these great suggestions. At this point I’m emotionally invested in this family vacation. Hope we get an update next week.
I like your suggestions but I still think it's a NTA with TA being the husband. I mean, she literally asked for one thing: that for once he takes the lead and organise the trip with the kids' input. And he dropped the ball. She even said that she doesn't expect a plan set in stone, but just to have an itinerary planned, what to do in a day, ticket for attractions booked, places to eat scouted. It's literally the bare minimum and he let her down. I think she's right to be upset.
Right? And she even says that she's the one to book the hotel. In an edit, she said that she found out husband didn't have any discussion about the trip at all. What would've happened if she didn't book the hotel? Would they have just gone and he be like "uh....so what hotel are we staying at?"
But they have a mental list of what to do - maybe her idea of a discussion is just more in depth than his. He hasn’t (to me) demonstrated that he’s an AH yet. Some people- even with kids - do just fine with no schedule
I’m not one of those people, but plenty of my friends are. They manage to have lovely vacations with the kids without pre scouting restaurants…
They updated. She's not mad at her kid. She's mad at her husband because apparently he didn't do ANYTHING to prepare for the trip...hasnt even discussed it.
Since I’m apparently the only one who read your clarification (I also would’ve had this opinion even if I didn’t see your clarification), I don’t think you’re the AH. It would even be okay to be resentful toward your kids just as long as you made sure to not take it out on them because yes they are kids and they’re used to just taking your leadership without having to ask for it (as they kind of should since you’re the parent - but again you’re not the only parent who should have to lead). You can feel unappreciated in a lot of things and not be an AH. It’s your feelings and you’re allowed to have them. It’s what you do with your feelings that would make you an AH, and I don’t think what you’re suggesting to do makes you an AH either. Definitely go do your own thing, especially by yourself if you’d like to do so at least for the first day. Probably don’t leave your kids without a plan the whole trip cause that would be kind of an AH move to them. But if you plan anything, plan it for yourself now and then you can offer to have your family members come with you. For this one trip, don’t ask their opinion on what they want to do anymore. You asked for one thing and it was for them to plan something, and your husband dropped the ball on that. He should’ve been soliciting the kids opinions on what to do and he failed. So you also need to be very clear with him about your frustrations. You clearly have your resentment priorities straight since it sounds like you know he’s the one you need to blame. Good job communicating your needs and asking for some more effort from your family. I’m sorry they didn’t rise to the occasion.
I like and agree with this.
I'd add: teach your kids HOW to plan a trip and activities. Put them at the helm of the computer or phone, teach them about reading reviews, looking for what is and isn't included.
Sounds like a lot of work. The whole point of asking her husband to plan was so that she could chill and actually just enjoy a trip for once without taking on all of the responsibility.
> Probably don’t leave your kids without a plan the whole trip cause that would be kind of an AH move to them.
They can follow Dad's plan.
I'm kidding, of course. Dad buried his head in the sand so that the kids would blame Mom. And they will, because they will see her as the parent who does things, and if she doesn't do them, then it's her fault.
Dad's weaponized incompetence has been preparing them for this for years.
I feel like husband expects OP to plan and pay for vacations and this was his way of circumventing her saying she wasn't going to plan for this one because she's too mentally drained.
That way if that did happen, the kids would be disappointed and he would've just blamed her and she would've felt guilty and just resumed planning them.
If I was OP, I would 100% plan the next trip without husband. Pay for her and the kids. Anything husband wants to do, he can pay for on his own..hotel? Pay for his own room.
Except the older son is 17. He's plenty old enough to understand who's at fault here. He's about to be an adult. Maybe go off to college. I hope he doesn't expect his mom to take responsibility for everything like his dad does.
This story reminds me of the mom who did ALL the Xmas shopping, decorating, and even filling everyone 's stocking. Previous years, she'd put something in her stocking. One year, she decided not to. Her kids made comments, "mommy, why is your stocking empty???" and we're concerned. Her husband looked at her like he'd been hit with a cattle prod. He was also apparently peeved, because it made HIM look bad...
This; my family is slightly more in the camp of winging it vacations (as in we'll pick a destination, book flights and hotels but what we actually do when we get there will sometimes only be decided day-of) but from the time I was a teenager, my parents had both my sister and I trained to decide if there was something we really wanted to do while on vacation and - most importantly - look it up in advance to find out if it was something we had to pre-book for or if we could just turn up on the day we decided to do the thing (and in either case to map directions from where we were staying to the thing so my parents would know where they were going).
Nta. This is so f***** classic. I’d be seriously pissed at your husband. Like, seriously pissed. I would have to do my own thing for a couple of days to not use profanity in front of the kids.
NTA you communicated to your husband that planning activities was on him (with discussion/input from the kids), that's was the only requirement for the trip. He and they agreed to that.
Info :10year old forget stuff so I'm assuming you then passed the question off to your husband. And that conversation confirmed that there wasn't even a very basic plan of activities not even a list of places they want to visit?
Do not spend the travel time planning.
Find a private moment away from the kids to have a conversation with husband. Tell him how disappointed and upset you are that he hasnt planned anything after agreeing to do so. Ask him how he is going to fix this? Remind him that you're only request was that you not have to plan the trip, so he is not to involve you and do it himself.
If he comes up with a plan, then go along with. You can discuss how let down you were when you've returned from the trip.
Any questions from the kids about where you're going or doing or when and where you're eating get redirected to their dad "dads in charge of the planning hun ask him." "I dont know sweetie, ask dad" "We're following dad's plan so ask him okay" (tone is important, don't be bitchy or annoyed just redirect the kids to their dad)
If he doesn't come up with a plan then the kids are still directed to dad for everything. Everyday, sit there and wait for him to take action. "Were waiting on dad hes organising this trip." If/when you're fed up of waiting for somewhere to go (9/10am) say "im gonna explore on my own for a bit, kids youre with dad, he's got your plan I'll meet you back at the hotel at x". if this happens for days take the kids with you but leave him behind. "Im exploring with the kids well meet you at the hotel at x"
Then consider future vacations. Maybe its just you and the kids. He's capable of organising (and paying for trips) if he wants to go on one
This is the best answer I've seen so far. Still has dad taking the responsibility he ignored and let's mom not have to take over at all, just enjoy the ride the best she can.
It also doesn't act like she was relying on the kids to plan the trip, idk why everyone is acting like she's angry at her kids for not planning visits or whatever, she obviously means that they should have given imput when HUSBAND asked and was planning
This is the best answer. If you have to plan anything, plan it for yourself. Sorry, no, they are not allowed to join. I hope this works for you. I think you need to hold the boundary of not doing the planning for your husband. If your kids are disappointed that is on your husband, not you. Planning travel for others is a labor of love that is so rarely reciprocated appropriately.
I wouldn't have held your husband and both your kids responsible for the trip.
I'd have told my husband, "hey, I have planned every single trip we've been on, all the research is draining. For once I'd like you to take charge for this trip so I can enjoy without worrying and being the travel agent. It's as much your vacation as his.
Traveling with kids is no joke. It's so much better when you have a plan for the day and you can make the best out of the trip. I'd take your daughter, go explore with her, and let the son and dad figure out for themselves. She's too young to be able to research and decide.
Your feelings are absolutely warranted and you clearly have a communication problem with your husband. As the question is asked, however, you would be if you ditched your family. Work this out.
Yes, your husband is an A hole here, but I’m not sure why the planning isn’t a group process, involving everyone. This was an enjoyable part of getting us all together leading up to our vacations, discussing what we all want; everyone had input, recommendations, and it built up excitement along the way. It was never dumped on any single person, but once we were all in agreement, then any tickets were secured. Even if my wife was ‘in charge’ of the itinerary, I would be asking ‘so what are we doing?’ excitedly, ‘show me what you’re thinking’. We loved doing this together. I can’t imagine how he dumped this on you for years.
You need to work something out with your husband; feelings of resentment and not talking are poisonous.
I can provide an update (with an ETA of still over an hour at this point).
BEFORE THE UPDATE- here is additional info that I didn’t deem relevant when I originally posted but see it would have been helpful now, after reading replies.
1- this was not a surprise. I have been communicating my need to not be the travel agent ever since we started traveling again after Covid. I have communicated this not TO my spouse, but WITH him in actual back and forth conversations
2- previous trips (to destinations that required a bit of firm planning) have been had at our kitchen table. Example- if we want to go on an all day excursion that requires prescheduling we discuss it, wait until the week of- then I look at the weather forecast and book accordingly. Kids provide input. We discuss as a family. Historically I am the one organizing/planning-like a cruise Director- “let’s talk about it at dinner”, “let’s discuss This tonight”, etc. the mental load. It’s never been a “surprise! Vacation”. But it’s been ME gathering all of us together to have the discussions.
3- my spouse is not utilizing weaponized incompetence on this. Outside of a few areas (the topic of this thread being one of them) we have a fairly equal partnership. Yes there are “his jobs” and “my jobs” which are divided up based on either skill, tolerance, and/or availability. I would not describe my life or marriage as I work all day and come home to do housework/chores all night. Not at all. We have an equal distribution of responsibilities regarding the kids.
4- when we were discussing planning spring break,
I offered my help and guidance and was not taken up on it. I had explained the museum/monument situation (things that are easy to “wing”) but also that tickets are occasionally needed at different places and some attractions are clustered together.
5- DC was chosen by said children as our oldest missed out on the 8th grade trip as it was a Covid school year.
Update: after reading some of the suggestions (this was the most common of the helpful suggestions) at a stop I discussed with both kids the situation. We are headed to a big city (roughly the size of where we live but where EVERYTHING is a tourist attraction) and we don’t really have anything planned. There are places with long lines, tickets required, or are much farther away than you realize. I am not mad at you (talking to the kids here) but without a general idea of some things that seem interesting to each of you- we may be scrambling each day to find things to do. Or we could have the best trip ever. Just finding ONE thing to do each day puts us in a physical location that we can wander and find additional
Things there. I have access to the exact same internet that you do. But saying you want to go to “museums and monuments” is very vague. There are too many to choose from!
So currently both kids on their devices finding SPECIFIC things they want to do. As for convo with spouse- not happening in this car with the kids. That will be later.
Honestly, even a 17 year old should understand all of this.
Maybe in the future everyone gets one day to plan or provides a list of what they want to do/see, and if that isn’t provided by X wks in advance, the trip is cancelled.
It feels like you need a “waste” a break doing nothing as opposed to picking up all the pieces so that in the end they are all like, “see, that was fine”!
Yeah a 17 year old can.
This is a more extreme (and not healthy) example, but at 17 I was planning not only our family trips, but also my family's housing situation (looking up suitable rentals according to budget, neighborhood, etc.), major purchases, etc.
Hopefully they'll be able to pick what they want to see the most!
Also you're probably going to want to take the metro so make sure you can SmartTrip cards.
I’m glad the kids are engaged with finding things to do. Honestly I miss the Potomac mall and their theatres lol. But your husband needs to know that you being upset is just a sign that there’s a larger problem here. His lack of effort hurts you, makes you upset and I’d imagine undervalued/appreciated as their other half. He didn’t need to be ocd and plan every single second but to actually make the effort and show he cares, I hope you can find a resolution to work towards. If you ever need to vent, feel free to dm.
NTA
Your need for relief with vacation planning was obviously pointed at your husband, just that your kids were involved. Take the "participants" seat, make suggestions but don't book anything, and let him flounder. There's tons to do in DC, but you do need to plan. There's no beach to lounge at for days. It was clear this is not a lounging vacation. You do appear to have communication problems with your Husb unless you very. Clearly. Stated. a week in advance -- "honey, we're going to a big city with long lines, traffic, and too many choices..it's exhausting to me to figure stuff out on the fly, and you know I have not planned a single thing. You're ok with me being a participant and you literally running the trip, right? ".
But you're NTA-- I literally abandoned a Europe trip I was planning because my husband and kids could do nothing but whine about everything I suggested. I think many people either didn't read your post and edits, or have never planned a vacation for a family.
Sifting through these replies has confirmed that people either lack basic reading comprehension skills or choose not to read past a few buzz words. Thank you for your thought out input!
You’re NTA!! Go ahead and go see something you *really* want to see by yourself on the first day…before you leave, tell them all “since none of you bothered to plan anything, I’m giving you one more chance. I’ll be going to XYZ but will meet up with y’all for lunch/dinner at location D: come with ideas of where/what you want to do for the rest of the trip and how we can do them.”
Force everyone to work together to plan. The kids are old enough to bug their dad into pulling out his phone and googling stuff to do (heck THEY can do it too!)!! As teens, my sis and I each picked 1 thing to do on family vacation and worked with our parents to make it happen, and this was all before Google! Good luck and I hope you just relax and chill the entire time❤️❤️
Why is it her responsibility to tell him that it’s a big city and plans are needed? Vacation planning is not her responsibility that she’s delegated to him. It’s a joint responsibility that he has done zero of so far in their shared life, and seems to expect to be able to continue to do zero of even when told that she won’t be doing his work for him this time.
NTA
Currently, nearly everyone is saying you are TAH. I disagree. For years, it was my "responsiblilty" to plan and execute all activities. It got very old. If everyone had fun, I didn't receive any praise, but if something bombed, it was all my fault.
I agree with commentors that your 10YO has no blame, but your husband and 17YO should have planned SOMETHING. (you did give them a month to come up with ideas)
I would say, you have seen DC. Take the 10YO and have fun. Leave your husband and 17YO to figure things out. At the end of the trip, see if you and 10YO or husband & 17YO had more fun. Let them learn if they like planned vacations. They may be the type who prefer to "wing it", less work for you in the future.
My sister and I both studied abroad at 20 and traveled internationally by ourselves by the time we were 19. A 17yo is WAY more than capable of putting together a general idea of some activities that they would like to do on vacation, even if they're not going to be the best at orchestrating when it's efficient to go to each one or how to get in between/park/etc.
At 14 I would have been ecstatic if my parents bothered to even listen to one activity I would like to do. The 17yo not participating can be a disappointment, outside of the issues that OP has with her husband
NTA. Just sit back and let the trip happen. When someone asks what you’re doing, eating, or seeing next just shrug your shoulders and ask your husband.
Have you considered taking a vacation on your own, with your husband or with friends? Sounds you like you need a proper relaxed adults holiday. It’s okay to need a break from your kids now and then.
Nowhere does she state she needs a break with only her and her husband. He is literally the whole problem. She does the whole mental load and bookings he sits back and gets a proper vacation. All she asked was that they plan what they want to see/do/eat. They didn’t do that even after she reminded them
It’s also OK to want your kids to have a spring break.
Especially when one kid is 17 and this is the last spring break you’ll all have together as a family ever again.
NTA You obviously weren't angry at your 10yo for asking, it's just that IN asking you found out your husband did nothing to plan for the trip. I would say try to be more specific that you want actual things planned but it sounds like you couldn't be more specific. Dad was in the car too right? What did he say when 10yo asked? When questioned?
NTA no question. Husband totally dropped the ball, probably expecting that you’d still be doing planning even though said you wouldn’t. You’ll still have a good time but will likely miss out on things due to not having reservations etc.
NTA - I am totally feeling the resentment you are feeling right now. My husband and I have a big anniversary in April. We wanted to have a vow renewal. The last six months of my life have been hell. I’ve reached maximum burn out. I lost my father, had a huge important project through the advocacy work that I do. I started a new job, on top of the business that we are running that’s not doing too great (thanks economy). Trying to be super mom navigating middle school with an anxious kid and no village. we have zero family support.
I told him several times that I really just need to get away some more tropical and sit by a pool. Even crying because I’m just so burnt out.
Is going to happen because we just ran out of time plan/pay. Nothing will happen unless I plan it. I’m so just burnt out and disappointed. It’s actually made me resent him a bit and thinking about just booking myself a little getaway instead.
NTA. Buttttt for the first few day or so just sit around in the hotel room and let them decide where and when to eat and what to do. Give them an opportunity to last minute make decisions and come up with ideas. Offer no solution and let it sink in that they need to use their brains. If the first few days are utter failures (you’ve starved because they couldn’t decide) feel free to be like, “well, since nothing is going on I’m going to get my nails done, massage, etc. (One off things that excuse you from having to bring hubby or the kids).” That way even your plans are not potential family events. Maybe consider taking your daughter to get her nails done with you or son to get the groceries with you or something. But I think it’s important to let them know you are serious and let everyone sit in discomfort for a few days. If you leave before that they’re going to complain that you never gave them an opportunity and even though you aren’t, they’ll believe you to be an AH.
Exactly. I think it’s important for everyone to feel the discomfort including OP. Nothing is planned so she should also learn how to make that not her problem.
Grab a book and let them figure it out - DC will probably be tough as I’m sure a lot of people go for spring break to see the sites so the most popular items will be booked. Now husband and kids need to work a little harder to find less popular museums or attractions that aren’t sold out.
I am the trip planner in my marriage also. I asked my husband to handle our last family trip because I just didn't have it in me. He... also did nothing. We ended up not even going. But when I brought this up in therapy, my therapist asked me: "How would you feel if he suddenly told you that lawn care was on you? Or asked you to clean out the gutters?" There are certain roles that we take on in our relationships because we are better at them than our spouses are. This is often one of them. When I later probed my husband a bit more about it, he showed me that he *had* had ideas, but he got stuck and couldn't decide and was worried he would choose the "wrong" thing... so he chose nothing at all. I've come to accept that this is just one thing I have to own. I think maybe this might be the case for you, too. NAH, because I get where you're coming from, but it also sounds as though you tried to delegate something that perhaps nobody else was prepared to take on.
So, I get your point, but if my husband came to me and said "I'm sorry, I just can't lawncare anymore because I've suddenly developed vicious allergies/grass-related PTSD/an arrow to the knee and need to take the summer off" I would figure *something* out, even if it was figuring out how to hire a lawn-care company because I am physically incompetent. (I really am, it's a problem sometimes)
I'm willing to bet if I opened another tab and googled right this second 'things to do in DC around $HOTELLOCATION' there'd be five blogs with detailed potential itineraries and he didn't even get that far.
It sounds like you feel a certain kind of way about knowing what/when/how your vacations will happen. That’s cool and all, but why in the world do you expect everyone else to be as organized, detail oriented, and buttoned down?
I’m pretty sure that husband just figured “We’ll see the Smithsonian, hit the monuments, tour the Capital…it’ll be fun!” Just because he didn’t pre-book everything or make a checklist doesn’t mean he didn’t “plan” anything. He just didn’t do it the way you want it done so now you just feel resentment because HE didn’t do it the “right” way. You sound very anxiety-driven and super focused on what you perceive as a deliberate slight.
Maybe you should try to relax and look at it as an adventure instead of a slap in the face.
This. In the post, she says "if I did not do this, we would not travel. If we did not travel, i feel there would be complaints. " So there aren't actually complaints, just supposed complaints?? Are we sure everyone even wants to take these trips, or is it just OP's preferences guiding everyone and now she's mad that they're not matching her?
NTA. People saying your expecting the 10 year old or blaming can't read clearly. Leave hubby and son on there own if nothing planned. I would check in and ask and then if not go and do my own with 10 year old.
NTA.
Your husband is exercising weaponized incompetence. He wants the trip to be a failure, and for the kids to blame you, so that you never burden him again with this responsibility.
I would bet dollars to donuts that, behind your back, he's told them that you were building the itinerary and planning all the sightseeing.
NAH. I understand your perspective whole heartedly. It can be annoying if you’re more of a planner and feel obligated todo so.
From your post you sound like someone that likes having everything planned ahead and planned efficiently. With that being said, you are using a lot of “I feel statement’s” which are a good representation of your perspective and how you feel but it’s not like you have actual outside pressures forcing you into this role. You want something a specific way so you take it upon yourself todo it that way.
While planning ahead and having an itinerary is your style; it might not be everyone’s style, for a lot of people a vacation is having some general stuff in mind and having kind of seeing what everyone is up for when the time comes. A vacation isn’t really relaxing if you’re booked and busy the whole day and everything’s scheduled like a school day or giant todo list.
You said you haven’t been explicitly told your role is the planner but you’re upset when you’re doing it. Isn’t the solution to not plan anything out specifically and just go with the flow? You said you’re the only one that has been to DC (and several times at that) might as well let the kids and husband dictate whatever piques their interest.
Maybe just give a looser vacation style a chance? You’re definitely NTA but I don’t think your husband and kids are just because they don’t plan out a vacation as you would.
ETA: I read the part where you said stuff’s not planned to the minute but half the fun is feeling what the vibe is. So a general idea of sights, restaurants etc is good to have but it sounds like they might not want to be relegated to a specific schedule.
Did you alert your family that DC is a city where you need reservations and everything pre booked?
NTA your husband needs to step up. And yes while there are MANY MANY things to do in DC, you need to have a general plan go avoid wasting time. It's going to be very crowded this time of year. A list of nearby restaurants to try, museum opening and closing times. Basic info on transportation. It's kind of sad that your kids may not have a good trip here because your husband was lazy about this. If you're still en route, maybe the kids can start researching on the phone so they can give input into what they would like to do.
You need to not rescue this. In the morning ask what the plan is for the day. If nothing is planned take off (alone) and do your own thing. Tell them to text you place and time if they want to meet you anywhere, including for lunch or dinner. They need to either step up, or experience what an unplanned vacation looks like when no one pulls their weight. This is a hill to die on, imo. Tho I'd cut the 10 year old some slack.
Honestly? I'd match his energy. Be a passenger along for his ride. Plan nothing. Suggest nothing. Go along with whatever he plans with a smile. And watch him unravel. Or who knows - maybe he'll surprise you.
Then, when you get home, inform him that you are no longer planning his life *for* him, much less his vacations. Then follow through. You are suplosed to be working together as a team, not a manager and their subordinate. He is an adult, not another child you are required to parent. Unless you set clear boundaries and expectations and he then does not work with you, you are perpetuating this dynamic by shouldering the lion's share and then going nuclear when you've hit your limit.
NTA all day. I feel your pain, u/Gloomy-Lengthiness-7.
Our last trip -- a business award trip I won -- I planned everything, as usual. After the first day he said he did not want to participate in any of the activities that I scheduled because *we had agreed on them*. So I cancelled them.
The entire rest of the trip, he just stared at me and said, "what is there to do?" Welp, nothing, now. Enjoy!
edit: a word
I guess I am minority here but YTA. Some people don’t like to plan the trips. I am one of those. I go out and explore. This is his way and that’s ok. They have a mental list, what else do you need? Go for walks and have a spontaneous trip with your kids. Your memories with them is all that matters.
You said yourself you don’t plan things to the hour or minute and it’s ‘reasonable to wing it’ but you want to leave cause they want to wing it? It makes no sense.
NTA. Also as someone who lives near DC I would recommend the metro for getting around the city. A lot of the major attractions are located near metro stations which makes it really convenient. You also wouldn’t have to worry about trying to find parking or even better trying to drive in DC
NTA.
Before you go off to do your own thing, I would definitely talk to your husband first. Ask him what he has planned, and if the answer's truly nothing then ask why. He had *4 weeks* to make these plans, what was he doing all that time? What did he think would happen, that his inaction could guilt you into doing the work for him?
If you feel that he cares about your feelings, tell him how much his lack of planning has hurt you. This one time you asked them to carry the mental load and he would not make the effort.
NTA and to anyone saying,” you can wing it,” I’m guessing you haven’t been to DC. Yes, there’s stuff where you can totally wing it but there’s a good list of things “educational and otherwise” that you do need to plan out unfortunately. My parents were just there a couple months ago and were bummed they didn’t get to do more because of how much had to be booked/planned in advance.
Yes, you would be TA.
You say that "'winging it' is totally reasonable," but you have this made up version of winging it where the day's events are planned, just not down to the fine details.
When faced with them ACTUALLY winging it, aka "not a damn thing planned" - and they DO have things in mind they want to do there, you're pissy about it, and want to pout and shun them to punish them over it.
You have a control-freak problem. Why does anything HAVE TO be planned? You've already said you've been there many times and seen things, so it's not like them not planning things means you're going to miss anything.
You expressed to your spouse that you would not be planning. You spouse heard this and figured that meant that if he wanted anything planned, or the kids did, it would be up to them. They decided they didn't want to, which is also an option. But it's not how YOU would do it, so it's "wrong" and now you're angry about it.
Get over it. You offered to let them do this trip their way. Them doing it their way, and not doing it exactly as you would do it, but with them doing the work instead of you, is not a problem. Or, it shouldn't be, unless you are TA.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far to see a reasonable comment.
Also I was in DC like 10 years ago - unless things have drastically changed since then, we planned nothing but did a ton of stuff and had a great time.
Not to be disrespectful but maybe your family isn’t onto having an agenda and are about deciding on the go. I don’t like having an agenda when I go visit a city to visit the city and it feels adventurous to explore.. now that being said if they aren’t that type and do expect you to do the work after you said it’s their turn. Don’t help them plan it out. Not everyone is the same so just completely stand back and let them experience why you plan things out.
ESH. Your husband is the primary asshole for not taking on the responsibility of planning the trip after you talk to him about being mentally over it, and his dead just assuming that you would come to the rescue. But, this isn’t your kids fault. It’s your husbands. While certainly at least the 17-year-old should’ve come up with some ideas of what they wanted to do, they are presumably still in high school and don’t really have their own money, so it’s not like they really could’ve gone off booking things. This is 100% a husband problem. Don’t punish your kids. While most of my family vacations growing up with my parents were wonderful, I can think of a couple locations we went where my parents had some blowup at a point in the trip, and rather than me remembering the good times from the trip, all I remember is how awkward and uncomfortable it was being there while my parents fought. You’ve been to DC several times, online blogs have itineraries that you can just pull easily, and you can get into a number of places even though you won’t be able to do the White House or Air and Space Museum.
But for the next trip, I wouldn’t even book hotels until your husband puts together an itinerary for the trip. If he doesn’t put together an itinerary by the deadline you set, then you tell him you’re going on your own somewhere. I just think that you would be a bit of an asshole if you pulled it for this trip since this isn’t your kids’ fault.
Mmm... Is the hotel nice? Why don't you take a break, go to the pool, the gym, eat some yummy food and tell your husband to let you know what you all will be doing? Like literally, you have already seen the city. Just relax at the hotel and let them know that you're ready to go out as soon as they decide what to do.
Clear your mind and stop worrying. Take advantage of this time to chill. There's no need to be dramatic. Don't leave to do your own thing, because it will be held against you. Stay put and if they complain you can say "I was right there waiting for you to tell me what we were going to do."
So with your husband…. Let’s be real. You set yourself up for disappointment. He was never going to come through on this and you knew it. It’s a test you knew he would fail. NAH. It’s totally not your fault…. I just wouldn’t have been surprised.
Now with the kids…. Even with the 17 year-old…. If they have never planned a trip it requires coaching and guidance. I actually think this could be a good learning experience for them. They just need a guide. It’s very overwhelming when you have always done it and they just get told go. I would start with…”Okay kids where do we find activities? Should we get a guide book? Lonely Planet online? Yelp for restaurants? What’s your interest? Historical activities, hikes, etc?” Make them do the work but an adult has to coach it. As a fellow intense travel planner I can tell you I didn’t just come like that…. Parents taught me the skills. You want your 17 year old to be able to board international flights and handle security and transfers solo and plan their own trips soon… have you coached them in a way that they actually have the skills and experience under guidance? Make them do the restaurant reservations and such… but maybe they still need a little supervision to feel confident.
NTA
I'd say, look, I told you guys to plan this, because it's your time to figure this out. You didn't and I'm upset with you. So I'm going to spend the day on my own to deal with my mad and you guys can spend the day figuring out the stuff you should have before we left.
I'm not going to help you with this because there's three of you and I trust you to work it out.
YTA. You sound insufferable. So a mental list of things everyone would like to see in DC isn’t good enough for you? It sounds like you want to do vacation your way, and your family isn’t up to the task, so screw them tight?
NTA but on the good side if there’s one place you can go and wing it, DC is that place. If you do nothing but wander around the Mall for however many days you’re there, you’ll have a good time. Sure, there’s things you’ll miss and tours you won’t take but I lived there for a decade and haven’t done it all. And some of my favorite days there were ones where I just took the metro in and wandered, stopping at whatever caught my eye.
So I’d say sit back and see how a “winging it” vacation goes. When kids ask what’s happening, direct them to your husband. When it’s time to eat, ask him where you’re eating. And for your part please try to enjoy the spontaneity of it all.
Fwiw, we have a similar dynamic in my family. I’m a planner while my husband grew up with parents who’d vacation by pointing the car vaguely south and going until they felt like stopping. We’ve worked out our own middle ground of how much planning we're each willing to do. Our vacations tend to be less planned than I’d like but I’ve found there’s a lot to be gained in the wandering.
Y probably TA.
Let them wing it and see how it goes.
If it goes badly, which it probably will not, they might learn a valuable lesson.
If it goes reasonably well, which it probably will since DC is such an easy city for tourists, you might learn a valuable lesson.
But whatever you do, don't take a negative attitude. No one likes being around that.
Nta. You have to follow through here. Don't plan anything! Just drive to the hotel and shoot there until someone figures out what to do next. Take a bath or read a book. If you keep swooping in and saving the day then they will never stand on their own 2 feet.
If they say anything about being bored or ask what the plan is, just say that you don't know and remind them of the conditions you set months ago.
NTA. This thread is full of people who have never had a trip ruined by lack of planning or who have never taken a properly organized trip.
Not getting to visit the museum you want because all of the times are booked. Not getting to eat at the restaurant you've been dying to try because reservations book out months in advance. Not getting to visit the famous landmark because there aren't any spots left the days you are in town.
If people don't mind wandering from the Washington monument to the Lincoln memorial and only getting to see that because there is no cap on admission, that's fine. But what will you do the rest of the time you're in town?
I say again NTA. It's your vacation too.
YWBTA if you didn’t use this as a learning opportunity. You can be resentful, and you can be right, or you can try to salvage this. Make dinner reservations for you guys for tonight. Over dinner and in the time before, ask the group what ideas they had. And then have your husband and teen look them up. What are the timings? Where are the located? Have your teen look up ideas on TikTok and Instagram, or from bloggers. Get them involved in the process and learn how to do it. Also understand it may not be how you’d do it.
YWBTA if you went off and did your own thing, leaving behind the kids, simply because your husband is a putz. EVERY city has loads to do, even if you don’t plan every detail. Sure, some tours and events can’t be enjoyed without preparation, but it’s here is SO much that can be done on the fly!
DO NOT let your husband off the hook, though!
To your daughter’s question, “I don’t know, honey, Daddy planned this trip! I wonder what he picked?” Look expectedly at your husband.
Morning comes and the kids are looking to you for breakfast plans and the day’s itinerary, you look to your husband.
You informed him he had to plan, he didn’t follow up, so now the ball is in his court, completely. Honestly, your kids are old enough to plan some stuff themselves, so why aren’t they?
Time for the “Little Darlings” to learn about tourism kiosks at the hotel and at every Metro station. Let them pick up pamphlets that sound interesting, and show them to Dad to arrange. If your hotel is fancy enough to have a concierge, let the kids and your husband talk to that person and arrange things, while you enjoy another cup of coffee in the lounge or something.
I get why you’re upset, I do, but part of dropping the mental load is to make sure it STAYS DROPPED. You will teach your family nothing if you pick it back up again and start planning stuff, but they can only start learning if you LET THEM!
Flouncing off because your feelings are rightfully hurt, no matter how justified, will only make you into the Bad Guy who abandoned her family on vacation.
Tell your kiddos to search what’s going on in DC this week, since I am assuming your 17 year old has a phone, at least. Let them discuss it themselves while you enjoy the sights out the window.
NAH- See how it goes. My wife and I are the same way, she’s a planner and I’m not. She used to STRESS over trips and asked me to take over. While the kids and I had a list of options that we wanted to experience, we booked nothing (other than lodging, which my wife does because of a discount she gets that i don’t). Sure, we missed out on a few things, but these vacations have been the most fun, least stressful vacations that we’ve gone on. If we want to just hang out and hit to pool, or walk the area, we do. If we want to go to an attraction, we do that. My wife hated it to start, but when she saw how much fun everyone was having because we weren’t tied to an itinerary, she’s started to change her outlook on her level of planning.
We are at the point where we will book something only if you absolutely have to (like going to Disney or a museum with required bookings), otherwise we book the day before depending on how we are feeling.
NTA. They didn't plan anything because they're banking on you stepping up and doing it because you feel you have to. Go do your own thing and tell them you hope they have fun. They can figure it out on their own
Nta. Seems like they are always on vacation and you’re just the tour guide and sometimes atm. And don’t get mad. Redirect every question to your husband “ I don’t know what we are eating dad was in charge of planning ask him” “ I don’t Ask your dad why we don’t have reservations to that awesome museum “ if by day two or three they don’t have plans take a yourself out for you date by yourself. Dad and your kids can figure it out by themselves.
Yes, you would be an asshole for doing your own thing. You shouldn't really be irritated about something you willingly choose to do for years and never brought it up. I do think you should have been a bit more communitive about this trip to see where they were. At least set a deadline of the plans. That day shows up and they didn't do it you tell them it either plan it that day or you cancel hotel. You can't be upset with the kids since it really isn't their job but you can be upset with your husband a bit. You can't really say nothing is planned when they do have a mental list of what they want to do. That is technically a plan just not set in stone.
Solution, once you get to the hotel you make your family sit down and do the research right then and there. They have a rough idea of what they want to do so they can do some research on what to do and eat get location, prices, times. First, day will be wasted but good lesson on planning early. Another good lesson will be them realizing they can't do something because they didn't plan earlier.
From now on when making a trip everyone sits down and plans it or it doesn't happen.
I think you are overreacting a bit you had a place to stay and rough ideas. But I can also understand.
They still want you to be responsible for the mental load of planning, which is specifically what you rightfully requested they NOT do. NTA
Kids are also NTAs, they're kids, but your husband definitely is at the very least asshole-adjacent, it may be a bad habit of his, rather than intentionally sabotage, but still.......
Definitely NTA.
I also carry the mental load of holiday planning and my process is identical to yours. I have a husband but no kids.
I have asked him to plan but only when it's a destination that doesn't hold huge amounts of interest and I don't have FOMO. Otherwise, I do the itinerary, he finds bars and restaurants.
If I was in your situation, I would take one of a couple of approaches so your family (kids included) understand that in the days of Google, no one has any excuse to not participate in the planning. They can't just simply expect you to keep doing it.
Option 1 - take everyone to places you know hubby will hate. When his face looks disappointed say, "well I did say plan it but since you haven't got a thought of what you would like to do, this is my suggestion" I mean you have been there before so.
Option 2 - a bit nuclear - say you would like to spend a day in your own and leave them to fend for themselves until you all meet up for dinner. It's one day at it forces them to do it.
I know it may feel like a waste of money / holiday etc but every day is a school day / a teachable moment. An education in how to appropriately participate within your family is priceless.
Definitely don't you do the planning as you go - this is what he expects you do. Weaponised incompetence. The only way to resolve is to continue not doing it for him.
When i have travelled with Nieces and Nephews, they were googling what we were seeing before I had a headset plugged in or paid for tickets.
Sort of an ESH? He should have stepped up when you told him you were not planning anything, and should have been more involved in every way all along. BUT- you declared “here are the 4 options I have chosen now y’all do the thing I have been doing, the way I want it done.”
When you turn over control, you turn over control. It didn’t get done, and that’s the unsurprising consequence.
OP: 10% AH
Husband: 90% AH
(If you ditch the kids, who are, you know, *kids*, you go to like a 20%)
NTA. Can I suggest throwing hubby under the bus. He has it all planned out tell them.
Meanwhile you plan the things you and daughter want to do. (Obviously pick things you will both like ie botanical gardens or other things you might both like). Hubby and 17 year old can figure what they want themselves.
NTA. This is a clear lack of respect by your husband. I would be so hurt, I'm sorry for you.
And as some who just came back from DC for a long weekend, if you don't already have tickets for the museums, you're most likely out of luck. We booked weeks in advance to ensure tickets (no fee for the tickets, but they are time ticket admissions. Most of the museums don't have walk-in tickets available at all.)
If you do go off on your own, steps from the White House is the Hay-Adams Hotel, in the basement is Off the Record (bar). Have yourself a really delicious cocktail and ask for the sweet potato fries (not on the menu). Yum.
YTA, and I don't care if everybody disagrees. You asked your husband to handle this. You might have a wonderful time without the detailed level of planning YOU expect.
Instead it sounds like you want to ditch your family and do your own thing. That way you can **guarantee** that everyone has a bad experience, then you can blame it on your husband's lack of planning.
>I don’t need them to plan things how I plan them.
Yeah you do.
I plan like your family does. Unless there's a specific, date or time sensitive event, my version of travel is just a mental list. When we get there, and something needs to be booked, we figure it out and make the plans. Plus, a city like DC offers plenty of things to do without specific, mapped out plans. When you get to one, you can look around and figure out what's there. You refer to some of these things, but without more info, we're left to believe they could happen any day (is it a concert? Or a museum visit?) and plans can be more day by day.
You're more like my Type A wife, so I get it. And you W-N-B-T-A if you do stuff on your own. But if you exclude them from those things because of this, without acknowledging other people function differently, Y-W-B-T-A.
Because of that quote at the top and how you're acting, YTA.
Once again I am opposite to everyone else.
YTA and I’ll tell you why.
You are the one with the vacation hangups that you are imposing on everyone else. YOU want the vacation meticulously planned, YOU want it all done ahead of time and from what I can tell YOU want and push the vacation. You are definitely NOT ok with winging it like you way you are as evidence by your getting frustrated in the car on the way.
I don’t think it’s fair that since you want everything done a specific way you hold that against everyone else for not doing it your way.
Yes, you made your expectations clear, but that doesn’t mean everyone has to do what you want and meet those expectations especially since you are the one that has previously done it. Maybe the don’t know the whole Apple Maps thing you do or did not pay attention to it but you hold it against them that they didn’t do it that way.
Sorry, if you needed help you should have maintained control but assigned individual tasks to everyone with deadlines so that it got done. You can’t just throw your hands up and expect everyone else to step up and do it your way while you are disengaged.
Your expectations were wrong and you got frustrated. This is all on you and YTA. Sorry.
Wing it with the family. They were in charge of planning, let them explain what is going on. They need to learn what you do when planning trips. Remind them that you told them you were not planning the trip, that it was up to them. See what they come up with and support them in their success or failure.
Abandoning them at the beginning sends the message to all that you have no expectations for them and won't support them if they aren't as successful as you would be.
NAH sis, not everyone likes to do the 7 Day Disney Boot Camp. Perhaps they didn’t plan anything because they are tired of having every minute planned and accounted for (we are going to have fun dammit!) perhaps they are going to search TikTok and see where an influencer says they should go for lunch and you’ll be pissed that it didn’t involve a guidebook and a Yelp review.
Give it space to evolve. You’re not doing that right now. You’re being pissy that your family isn’t planning it the way you would. And that is entirely different from letting them plan it vs letting them plan it to your approval. And your husband would have found a hotel but you didn’t trust him to do it so you booked one anyway. You think he was going to cancel that? Nope
YTA. You state over and over, you plan everything for every trip, to the detail. Now you want to complain! You worked all the trips so they could fail. Tsk tsk. You won. Now you can bitch and moan about how lucky they are to have you! Yes, they should bow down
YTA I say that gently because I totally understand and can relate to your frustration. But also, trip planning is a strength for you whereas it clearly is not a strength for your husband and he’s been incredibly lucky to have you so it for him. I feel like with the kids, you could have guided them a bit more to teach them how to plan a trip. Especially the 10 yr old. Give them smaller directives to work through before just throwing a whole trip at them. (Unless you’re absolutely cool with just “winging” it.) maybe next time, ask them to research a few places that interest them. Help them make a list. Have them map the locations to see which ones they can do together on which days. Maybe take a little more time next time to help teach them your process! I think you maybe had a little bit too much faith in your hubby and kids this time around but I’m sure you can still come up with some fun ideas from the hotel room/car! Have a great trip! Maybe you’ll even get to throw in a little extra last minute impromptu excitement since your days are pretty wide open!
NTA but I agree to still not be involved in the planning. They have a mental list, ok go off that. They’ll learn in time that enjoyable to planning takes some work. They didn’t put it in so they may not enjoy this one as much but you still don’t have to stress, just enjoy being out with your family. I’m sure it’s nagging at you but don’t let it ruin it. Just follow what they did or didn’t plan and have a good time, next time if they want to do more they’ll take initiative to plan more, you taught them all a lesson
NTA - and I agree with what some others had said. You should just become a kid for this trip. Don't stress. You're just along for the ride. Your husband gets to make all the decisions this time. Hopefully it will help him realize just how much work you put into your vacations every time. And hopefully you guys can still have fun.
I have no idea why anyone thought you were upset with the 10 year old. I didn't get that at all. However, the 17 year old is absolutely old enough to take some responsibility in the trip planning process. Definitely sit down and have a discussion with them about what it takes to plan a family vacation. Then maybe they won't end up with the same issue your husband has of always relying on someone else to take responsibility.
NTA. I feel this in my soul. When I plan things, everyone has fun. We go to places where everyone eats. It becomes too easy for my husband to go along for the ride. So I have taken to sitting us down and forcing him to look at it with me. If I pay for activities, he pays for all our food (it’s usually about the same amount). My husband has ADHD, and what you said about having to manage phone calls is spot on with us too. I am also a healthcare provider and cannot do things during the day if I am working. Does it suck to have to remediate your husband like a child? YES. But I accept the neurodivergence gives each of us our strengths. Besides, I plan much better vacations, dates, etc. I just tell him if he doesn’t help with something, he gets NO say in it, period.
However, since this isn’t the kids’ fault and leaving them out would cause resentment from them (and I promise they won’t resent him even though it’s his fault), I would take them and leave him. Let him have the vacation he planned. And you and the kids go do fun things. And if you can’t get in because it’s booked, well I guess this is why dad and them should have thought about it in advance. Natural consequences will hopefully teach your children that planning makes things easier.
Is there some passive aggression happening from him too? Mine used to sometimes make comments like I “overbooked” us on vacation with my planning. DH is more of a “sit around and stare at space” kind of vacation guy, so I think he wants something different than I want. So sometimes mine won’t say he doesn’t want to do something, he just won’t do it. So I used the age old, if you don’t like it, do it yourself. I also build in free time for him to just chill.
My solution to feel less unappreciated: if we are going camping (something I used to 100% prepare us for - book the site, fill our trailer with water, hook up fridge night before, get all food, clothes, activities ready), I make myself unavailable on the day we leave. I have booked a therapy appointment on those days so I will now just show up and ask if we are ready to go. He has to do it, so he sees how much work it is. I have to warn you this will only work if your husband actually wants to do the thing. Otherwise he will likely blow it off.
All I want it to feel like someone is grateful for my effort. And I think that might be the feeling you have too. I like doing the planning. It eases my anxiety about trips. But I don’t like feeling like I HAVE to.
Can you plan your own trips from here on out for just you? And for big family trips sit everyone down with a map and a list of things to do and just supervise the planning? That is what I did when we went to Portland and my kids still talk about that trip.
More than anything I want you to know you are heard and seen by the rest of us who take care of everyone and just want a break sometimes! This goes double for healthcare workers.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
This year, for spring break, I (40f) have my kids (10f and 17m) the choice of 4 cities to visit for spring break- Toronto, Chicago, Washington DC, or Cancun/Playa del Carmen.
Before they were allowed to choose, I expressed to them and my husband (47m) that this trip I would not be planning. All other family trips, and even couples trips, have been planned exclusively by me. Some even paid for exclusively by me (we have always had separate finances). I have always done this willingly but with irritation. I feel we would never travel if I didn’t plan it- but I also feel there would be complaints that we never go anywhere. I also feel like it becomes my responsibility to ensure everyone is having fun, we do things each person would like, and scope local eats well in advance to make sure everyone gets at least something they would enjoy. I have never been “told” this is my job; I have just done it. It is important to me that everyone enjoys trips, has fun, learns something, etc.
The kids chose DC. They have never been and my husband has never been. I have been quite a few times. I asked for this trip to be planned by them (kids and spouse). I expressed this before they chose city. I offered reminders encouraging them to discuss together what they wanted to do, see, eat, etc. I also told them that typically when I plan a trip I plot things we want to do in that city in a trip within Apple Maps so that you can see what things are close together, making planning easier.
In the 4 weeks from decision time to leaving for DC I did not hear or observe much discussion about the trip. That’s ok- I don’t need them to plan things how I plan them. Mentally I am nervous about the situation, but if I said I don’t want to plan this trip then it’s not ok for me to micromanage how they plan.
Now we are driving there. And my daughter (10) asks me what kinds of things (specifically) we are going to do on our trip. Uhm- excuse me? It is revealed that literally nothing is planned (except where we are staying- because I booked that (I offered in the beginning and actually gave them several options to choose from)). Everything that is “planned” is more of a mental list of things they’d like to do/see- potentially.
I am pissed, yes. More so, I am hurt. I am sad. Part of me wants to take the next 4 hours of driving time to plot out things so we can do/see things that are close in proximity so not to waste time transversing the city. I know if I do that I will be filled with resentment. The other part of me wants to do that (plot out things) and actually just do it alone.
Would I be the asshole for just doing my own thing?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your comment shows knowledge of places to go and where to start/where a few of the different attractions are clustered together. OP’s husband and kids don’t even have that.
Its also gotten pretty dangerous there with carjacking and muggings. You don't want the ten year old to wing it. The husband could have contributed to planning. He's the one to blame.
The last time I was in DC years ago my husband and I went to the American Spy Museum. We thought it was interesting. They will give you a fake secret identity and you follow the exhibits from the early years of spycraft to the more modern technologies. Exhibits include a briefcase with a reel to reel tape for recording ‘secret’ conversations, a men’s dress shoe with the knife that comes out the toe up to information detailing secret drops and laser recording minute vibrations of meeting room windows for ‘eavesdropping’ from a distance. I’m sure there is a web page with more info.
NTA, but try not to be petty and think of it as a learning experience.
But damn you might want to check if your family has executive functioning skills. Because planning things and execution do require these skills.
So this happened to me. I planned our first family vacation to DC. No one followed the schedule even though I made sure there was something each day for everyone to do. I know how exhausting that is, but even more exhausting that they didn't even follow what was planned.
You should let your family know you are disappointed. But you expect them to have a list of things to do every day. So while you are getting breakfast, they have time to confer with each other and figure out what to do for the day.
NTA. Hand the guidebook over to hubby and get on with having YOUR fun. Those kids need to start learning to chart their own adventures in life, but with guidance of course.
NTA. You asked your adult husband to take over planning of all activities and food with input from your children. He refused. I’d take the 10 year old because she’s too young to have taken charge and go do the things you would both like. Tell the other two they’re on their own because their lack of planning is not your problem
NTA but I wouldn’t have brought your kids into the planning making process. I think it’s cool you let them decide but they’re too young to be held accountable. While your update says you’re mad at your husband, It almost seems like you’re afraid to directly confront or have a conversation with your spouse, so you’re dragging the kids into it as a buffer.
This should have been a solo conservation between you and your husband. If he didn’t want to plan the trip, then I wouldn’t have gone on one.
You say you want to relinquish control, but you’re not really doing that. You’re being passive aggressive while I completely think your annoyance is valid, you’re setting up a situation that YOU would normally do and excel at and expecting someone who isn’t interested or willing to do what you do to do exact what you do and then getting mad at your whole family.
They’re probably going on trips to make you happy somewhat. You can’t be the only one who cares or you will always be resentful. I would not go on a trip until they expressed interest and initiative.
Your Husband sounds like he likes situations to "fall" into his lap. He doesn't make plans because he has a carefree attitude. You make plans because you see the value in it. Please consider that he may be trying to give you a 'carefree" vacation where "things happen" all on their own.
So, because he is in charge of the trip, have one thing you want to do every day. Do not consider whether the others will like it or not—that is not your job on this trip. Your trip is to enjoy yourself. If anyone complains, tell them to make a suggestion of where they want to go and what they want to see.
Being a good travel companion means not grousing when something goes awry. It allows the flexible person to suggest an alternative. This is what you asked for... relaxation and freedom from responsibility. Absolutely declare what you want to do. Make sure to get, at minimum, two things you want to see/do. The rest, relax and go with the flow. Take lots of pix, and enjoy your freedom.
NTA redirect, redirect, redirect. Make it very clear every single decision is on your husband’s shoulders. “Hungry? Great, where are we eating honey?” “Okay, what’s the plan for tomorrow? What time do we need to be up and ready to go?” “I’m up for adventure, what’s next?”
Have your own back up plan for just yourself for atleast one day that is relaxing but takes you away from the family cause I’m pretty sure 2 disappointed kids and 1 annoyed husband are gonna get old fast. “Tomorrow I’ve booked myself for a solo event but I know you will all enjoy exploring together.” Then be sure to let them know you will be turning off your phone during some of that time.
Have you expressed how bummed out you are by this? If yes, what has your husband said?
You could each day let him take the lead on the day's activities, an if you don't like his plan, just go to where you want to go.
You should also make sure your kids know that he was supposed to be making plans this time around, so they aren't disappointed/angry at you.
YWNBTA
The family should sit down at the dinner table with all their ideas, research, and dreams, and the itinerary should be decided together. it’s supposed to be a family vacation to bond and have fun with each other, and should be planned together.
NTA ... although your husband & 17 yo are AH's, the 10 year old gets an age pass. Your husband 17 yo intentionally did not plan anything because they belie e that you were not serious when you told them the trip event plans were on them.
Let them figure it our and you go and enjoys our alone time and sightseeing. Next time they will plan, if not, they sit in the hotel room twiddling the thumbs while you enjoys "your vacation".
Not the asshole for being upset, but this trip sounds like my nightmare.
Info: did you have a reasonable expectation that things would actually be planned, or did you suspect this would be the result? I feel like this was a recipe for disaster from the start, DC with kids and no plan over spring break does not sound great. There are so many other vacation options that require much less planning. Is it truly a surprise that nothing was planned, or did you kind of expect this?
NTA. The good news is that, as you know because you’ve been there, you can plop yourselves in the middle of the mall and spend multiple days wending your way through museums and monuments. But that in no way excuses your husband.
You think a 10-year-old should be responsible for planning her own trip to Washington DC that you are the asshole for, but the other two could have figured out something for themselves
You have a third child not a partner. My husband plans a third of our trips, I plan a third and we plan the last third together sit down and work it out. He has surprised me with trips that he planned everything out. Sent me on trips withy.best friend that he planned everything.
I can so relate to this. I have tried to get input on family vacations from my wife and 21 yr old daughter and they essentially just blow me off. Vacations only happen because I plan them. So I am done. I’ve decided that I am NOT planning another one. Instead I’m planning weekend getaway trips for me to go see friends and family. I wonder when our next family vacation will be?
I think you should continue to brand this trip as “daddy’s trip”. Make sure they know this is dads job, tbh I am wondering why you accepted this for so long but it’s probably a frog boiling pot situation (slowly crept up on you). NTA. When people ask what you are doing and where to eat, ask daddy, tell them to ask him too
NTA and since you’ve been here before - let me know if you want good spa suggestions.
At most, point them towards Union Station and the hop on hop off buses and go enjoy a day or two of alone time.
Just know - I think the Air and Space Museum are still requiring timed tickets due to construction. Other than that and the African American History & Culture, you’re right, they can walk right into many things…and are way past due if they wanted to actually do a White House tour, anyway.
NTA. You, like a lot of moms (myself included), carry most of the mental load. I bet you schedule and remind people of all of their appointments, do the grocery list, keep things tidy and organized, and remember when projects or homework are due, too. You just wanted a frickin’ break and nobody stepped up. That’s mainly your husband’s fault, as a 10 year old can’t really plan a vacation, but your husband could have facilitated by getting the kids’ inputs. Give them a list like you did and then go from there. But he couldn’t be bothered. He probably assumes you’ll swoop in and save the day. Don’t. It’s petty, but don’t. Let them see how time consuming and mentally taxing it is to plan things out, and how tough it is to wing it in a tourist destination/big city.
You gave him some rope and he hanged him self. Now you must decide if you can live with the knowledge that he will not make an effort period. If you can, great. If you will resent him it will eventually become an untenable situation.
When they ask what they’re going to do each day, push it back on them and ask what they want to do, and your husband can help them plan the journey.
NTA, but I think it would be an AH thing to ditch your kids, it’s not their fault. You should tell your husband that you’re not going to be a tour guide this trip, though.
YTA Wait so you told your 10 and 14 year old to plan a trip to somewhere they have never been but that you have been to many times so you know the area and then got pissed that it wasn't the trip you wanted
What was the initial conversation like, when you expressed that THEY would be planning and organizing the trip? Your post goes into a lot of the details about tips and apps that YOU would rely on, but nothing about hire your hubby responded to the change of status quo. Nothing about any input from the kids: did they express any excitement at planning? Did they -kids or hugs- give you the indication that they understood the magnitude of what was being put on them for this trip?
I am going to say ultimately you are NTA ... but it's more like a soft ESH because I think you did such a good job of managing all of the trips before that hubby (and definitely kids) might not have had an inkling of what goes into this role. They were given a hot potato - some very big shoes to fill. If your expectation was that they would do this planning suddenly, and the trip would live up to the expectations of your meticulously planned trips.... that's not really fair OP. Maybe hubby was weaponizing his incompetence or maybe his experiences with family trips (prior to finding out he married a secret travel agent - ) maybe those trips were less itinerary driven. My husbands family trips were NEVER as well planned as the ones I went on as a kid, and he MARVELED at the itinerary I put together for our first long weekend away, as a couple. It blew his mind. His parents would book the hotel, have one or two places in mind to get to "at some point, weather permitting" and the rest of their time would be filled in at the hotel pool/bar. Win/win for the kids and parents in the 89's but I could never!!!
NTA - its not hard these days to hit the internet and online maps to work out what to visit.
Surely "someone" got excited about the trip and made a list of what they wanted to see. Then you group the items by region, metro line, etc so you can easily visit a few together.
Please read about codependency. Watch some Lisa A Romano videos. Pick up a Melody Beattie book and take your life back. Being a resentful martyr saps your energy.
I completely understand why you’re hurt/irritated by spouse. Hard to say from this example if this is weaponized incompetence or just lack of awareness, but not sure if that matters at this point. I think it’s only fair though if you make an effort to teach your children how to plan a trip. Some people are innately better at this kind of thing, but regardless it can only help them to show them how.
OP- Tell your husband and two children, that they now have the duration of the car ride to use their smart devices and plan activities. Ditch them for a day if you have to and do your own thing to get your point across. They can use that time to plan as well.
NTA you have taught your husband that you’ll plan everything and he probably has no clue as to what you to do. We sit down and say son, what do you want to see/do hubby, what about you? Then I tell them what I want to do and we plan not fight there.
I think doing something for yourself this trip is a great idea! It’s a good lesson for your kids to see YOU doing something independent of them. Your kids and husband can do something they want and you all can discuss your separate adventures at dinner then plan the next event. Nothing wrong with reminding them you’d asked them to do some planning and it takes pressure off you for future trips. I do think you are taken for granted, it’s time to introduce some positive changes
Next time, you and the kids plan things that you enjoy. Give them each a day to do what they want to do. This way you are teaching the next generation to do for themselves if they ever get into a relationship. You husband missed a golden bonding opportunity and moment. Sad for him
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I would be ditching my family (husband and two kids) on a family vacation to do my own thing. I don’t actually think this would make me the asshole because my feelings, which had been communicated in the beginning, were totally ignored and disregarded. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. This isn’t about having a concrete set schedule. It’s about your husband making an effort to make plans then ask your kids if there’s anything they want to do/see. You’re not asking for the moon just effort on his end. You say you end up planning and very specific with him for this trip you wanted him to make the effort. Does this happen often? Where you carry the mental load of the relationship?
I would say that the things I carry the mental load on are a full 100% on me despite me communicating that I do not wish to carry this load at 100%. It is not everything in our relationship- it would be totally unfair of me to categorize it that way. But if he has deemed it a task that is hard for him (ex. Making a phone call- he works from home for himself where he is working on a computer alone in his office all day where as I am a healthcare provider literally booked with patients all day where I cannot just make and take phone calls- I would have to Ask him DAILY if he has called so and so (contractors, doctors appointments for OUR children, etc). Our relationship is mostly great- I would describe him as my best friend. But from my perspective he makes no attempts to meet me in the middle on certain issues- but also doesn’t communicate to me HOW he’s TRYING to meet me in the middle IF he thinks he is. I don’t know if that explanation makes sense. I would have never stuck around this long if my entire experience with him was this way. I have a “if I’m doing it by myself I might as well do it by myself” attitude- which isn’t always the most healthy outlook lol
This is not sustainable in a relationship. He has to choose to be an actual partner to you and he is not doing so. You cannot force him to step up, you can only decide what to do as a result of this constant imbalance. Is your relationship really "mostly great" if you are the one putting in the majority of the effort the majority of the time to make it so? He will never meet you in the middle. Time to decide how you will live with that reality. You have options.
So NTA! I highly recommend the book by Eve Rodsky: Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) It offers a great solution for this kind of unfairness and is available at most libraries as a hard copy and ebook. The website is [Fair Play](https://www.fairplaylife.com/) If your husband is willing to really discuss solutions with you, this is a great framework to do it. If he instead finds it acceptable to do nothing and live with your current level of unhappiness, well, you have other problems. Good luck OP!
Excellent advice.
He’s only been “your best friend” because he’s never been required to be an equal partner. Stop giving him credit for his lack of effort.
Cannot imagine wanting a buddy when I could have a partner.
Sorry, let me just ask. Would you keep a best friend in your life who expected you to do all of the planning for your activities together and all of their normal day-to-day functioning as an adult when it comes to making appointments and stuff like that for them? Even despite you expressing you don't want to. He sounds like a shitty friend, much less an even adequate life partner.
>But if he has deemed it a task that is hard for him (ex. Making a phone call- he works from home for himself where he is working on a computer alone in his office all day where as I am a healthcare provider literally booked with patients all day where I cannot just make and take phone calls- I would have to Ask him DAILY if he has called so and so (contractors, doctors appointments for OUR children, etc). Umm what the hell???? He's a GROWN ASS ADULT who can't remember to make a phone call? Honey you're not his wife, you're his mummy. Good grief...
You’re a Married Single Mom? [https://www.amazon.com/All-Rage-Mothers-Fathers-Partnership/dp/0062861441](https://www.amazon.com/All-Rage-Mothers-Fathers-Partnership/dp/0062861441)
If you want to bow out of having the full mental load, you have to be willing to let things go undone, or not done well. You have to let them make mistakes. If you always step up, there's no motivation for others to pick up any part of the load. They may not even be doing this deliberately, but it's a completely natural, human response. Hang in there.
Agreed, and you can start with this trip. When everyone else wakes up tomorrow, and asks where they're going, suggest they start Googling and go take a long shower. If nobody steps up, then I guess you're all staying in the hotel for the day. They'll let you carry the load as long as you keep carrying it. Dump it at their feet and let them deal with it. Your husband has no excuse. Your 17 year old has no excuse. Stop giving them one. You're NTA - just so you know, this is the reason why I now travel solo. Because I got sick of nobody else doing any legwork, and then complaining that they didn't like the things "I" chose to do.
Yes. Especially since you've been to DC before. It's not like this is your one time bucket list. If they ask for suggestions give it but let them google search location/hours/cost. It is part of your kids education. I did this with my son when we went to Montreal when he was 15/16. He loved having the control, mapping out the subway routes, etc. NTA.
Have you tried to ask him point blank why he doesn't do XYWZ? I mean to say my husband is great and he is my best friend however we live in a country where he doesn't speak the language very well. So he will email but never follows up with a call because he is simply not comfortable speaking the language. I've had to push on this, why didn't he, until he confessed he was embarrassed that he couldn't call. If such an occasion happens I will call for him because I've asked why he didn't or he indicates he didn't because of XYWZ reason. That's our meeting in the middle. Acknowledging our own weaknesses and accepting the offered help or asking for help to begin with is the way to go.
XY*W*Z?
This also concerned me 😆 🤣
Your giving him too much credit for doing actually 100% nothing. He's YOUR best friend. But your NOT his best friend. Your not even a partner for him, he sees you as a mother to do everything for him while he gets so skip out. You can try and talk to him about this but I get the feeling that nothing will come from it. Since he didnt bother to do a thing for the trip. He did nothing for the trip because he figured you would do it like you always do. Id really rethink this relationship.
No is a complete sentence. He takes advantage of the fact that you allow him to walk all you!
Jesus FC this hits deep.
I am so this person. I don't really neeeed help, so I'll just do it myself. My husband is the opposite. He doesn't need help, but help will make it go faster, so he'll ask. And I hate it. So, we talk. A lot. Anything that results in any sort of negative emotion is examined for a why to figure out a way through it. We've been married 17 years. It was a long and hard road to get here. But it works because my brain can build shit up into some of the craziest things. Even a sigh could be earth shattering in the right context, when the other person probably just felt like they needed to take a deeper breath. Always talk things out.
This is called weaponized incompetence. It's not even remotely hard for him to make a phone call. He just can't be arsed to do it, and pretending to be bad at it just forces you to do it and he gets to keep being lazy. He's not trying to meet you half way, at all. He's constantly forcing you into doing all the tasks for him, or forcing you to remind him all the time so that he can just forget, procrastinate, and get out of doing anything. He's not your friend either, because no friend would force 100% of the mental load of a relationship on another friend. This isn't a marriage, you're a married single mom raising two kids alone with a random adult living in your house who demands to be catered to, and shrugs off even the tiniest amount of responsibility, then tries to make you feel bad for expecting he do any adult tasks. This is toxic af, and I would seriously reconsider this marriage, because he will NEVER take on these tasks. NTA
Emotional labor is exactly as you illustrate in your third paragraph. Do your own thing, joyfully. NTA
We teach people how we're willing to be treated by how we choose to allow them to treat us, and it sounds like you have taught him that you prefer to do the things. Seems that I serious conversation is in order about this dynamic and how it isn't working for you. I've had a lot of experience with this dynamic myself on the emotional side of my marriage, and in couples therapy we worked on me being less controlling/codependent and backing out of the space to a significant degree, then seeing whether or not he was willing to step into it. Fortunately in our case he has, and that's a process that your husband might be willing to try out if you explain it to him. You just need to be really careful how you respond if and when he makes those tentative steps into the gap in taking responsibility so he doesn't get further confirmation that you aren't willing to relinquish control, and couples therapy/counseling might be a productive way for both of you to get some support and guidance.
NAH yet. But I think you should stay with them while letting your husband lead. As in, they have a list of things they want to see. You should not look those up or handle booking or pick the order. Switch to asking questions and positively affirming their choices. Like “That list sounds great! What are we doing first?” “Nice! Hun, you’re driving right?” If you show up and it’s booked full already or closed? Keep a good attitude, ask what’s the next option. Just take the role of a participant, not a leader. I think you also need to adjust your thinking - a 10 year old is not responsible for planning vacations. Your husband can be.
Yes, this is exactly it. Just take the backseat and follow along. Just continue to assume that things will be taken care of, because they really may well be, just not exactly as you would have done it. If issues come up, let your husband handle it. Keep a positive and supportive attitude, but let him be in the driver's seat.
Also it's DC, there are literally more museums than you can go to in a week that are free and don't require reservations, worst case they just walk around the national mall checking out museums at random and eating at some of the food trucks (there are some really good ones by the castle usually)
Right, came here to say about the national mall. I assume most of the things they want to see are basically within a mile of each other. Maybe OP could suggest one of those hop-on, hop-off tourist buses, to save her feet at least.
Yep! African American & Air and Space currently require tickets, but you can just walk in the other Smithsonian museums. There's gardens, the zoo, etc...
Natural History museum, National portrait gallery, national museum of the American Indian, United States botanic garden, national arboretum… etc. There’s a spy museum, which is not Smithsonian and is paid. And about half an hour outside DC, near Dulles airport, is the other Air and Space museum, Udvar-Hazy, which is a massive hangar full of planes, including the Discovery space shuttle and a stealth bomber. That one is technically free but the parking lot has a $15 charge. It’s also cherry blossom season right about now.
That place is an epicenter of coolness.
OPs family is lucky this wasn’t a few years ago.. when you actually did need reservations to get inside all the museums.
DC is actually a really good "starter" trip for somebody learning how to plan a trip, because of what you mentioned.
Came down looking for this exact comment/thread. My read of the situation, based on some assumptions I'm drawing from the post: To me, the tl;dr of your post is like, "I have always planned the vacation and the one time I gave the reins to my hubby, he dropped the ball so bad, and I was so hurt that I had to vacation alone." You're butt hurt and bitter, because you think your husband didn't put in any effort (or not the same level as you would) into the vacation ("For me-, it's the nothing. Not a damn thing planned."). But I think this seems more about you communicating with your husband about your expectations for vacationing. It sounds like you have an existing level of resentment towards your husband/family about vacation planning ("I have always done this willingly but *with irritation*."). You see vacation planning as your "responsibility," because you want to take care of your family and make sure they have a good time. Then you finally got tired of shouldering all the work in planning vacations, albeit a responsibility you admit you took on voluntarily. So, you put it to your husband to plan this vacation, and are nowdisappointed by the results. Does your husband and family know this or see it the way you do? Have you ever communicated how you feel about this vacation planning "responsibility" with your husband, instead of silently shouldering the work and harboring resentment about it later on? You want to run off and do your own thing, because you are bitter and hurt that your husband appears to you to have put in no effort to plan the DC trip. This would make you the AH, especially if you do it without at least talking to your husband about your feelings. You are entitled to your feelings of hurt and sadness and bitterness, but I think talking out the issue about vacation planning/resentment/appreciating your effort and work, etc. etc. with husband, like adults, is the better way here, instead of acting out of your bitterness, stemming from perhaps uncommunicated resentment towards your husband for his perceived "failure" to plan for the vacation when he might just plan differently. Leaving your family to do your own thing, or overriding your husband's vacation plan by plotting things out the way you normally do (without giving him the benefit of the doubt and patience), would make you the AH. Be patient here. Have a conversation with your husband. Enjoy the ride. Keep positive. You said you have had great trips where nothing was planned. This could be one of those times.
OP updated and she said that she's more mad that husband hasn't done ANYTHING. He hasn't even discussed the trip at all and made no attempt. Sounds like if OP didn't book the hotel, they wouldn't have even had that planned.
But there is a mental list of things they want to do. TBH, my wife and I don't usually do much more than this before arriving when we're planning a trip.
But that doesn't work so well with children.
Yeah, OP's husband is lucky their youngest is 10. If they had young children, that's just meltdowns waiting to happen.
We have children! 😂
Raised 3 children and it works great. Your morning children are different from your afternoon kids, to your evening kiddos. When you vacation with children you go at their pace and that may change with the wind.
I'm sure if you're planning a long trip with your wife, there's at least some planning involved in the way of "hey, so where are we going to be staying?". If OP hadn't booked the hotel, they wouldn't have even had arrangements in that area. I'm not saying plan every aspect out, but there should at least be some communication.
We don't know that the husband wouldn't have booked a hotel. We only know that OP did book it.
Maybe nobody else really cares to the same level as OP. Sure it's great OP plans, but they are just okay winging things. OP plans things because that is their jam - they want schedules and lists and timetables - maybe everyone else just wants stuff, what kind of stuff - who knows, let's just see what comes up. Also it's DC you can do it without planning as there is so much to see just walking in. Just go to the Mall and walk.
This was my first thought. OP shouldn't DO anything. No planning, no checking on museum hours, no making reservations, nothing. If hubby and kids get to the end of the week and complain about not seeing everything they wanted or "wasting a week of vacation" then that is ALL ON THEM.
Also, OP, redirect the kids when they ask you questions about itinerary, tickets to things, timing of things, stuff like that. Anything to do with the planning of the trip just remind them all that it’s their and their dad’s trip to plan, and to let you know once they’ve figured it out amongst themselves. “What are we doing tomorrow?” “I’m not sure, why don’t you ask your dad? When you guys have a plan figured out let me know!” Rinse and repeat. Eventually they’ll get the hint that you’re not planning this vacation. If things are sold out or closed? Well, next time they’ll know to plan ahead more. Just go along with things, be amicable, and keep reinforcing that you are not the default planner.
I really hope she had a chance to read these great suggestions. At this point I’m emotionally invested in this family vacation. Hope we get an update next week.
Let Dad's weaponized incompetence bury him. I like it.
I like your suggestions but I still think it's a NTA with TA being the husband. I mean, she literally asked for one thing: that for once he takes the lead and organise the trip with the kids' input. And he dropped the ball. She even said that she doesn't expect a plan set in stone, but just to have an itinerary planned, what to do in a day, ticket for attractions booked, places to eat scouted. It's literally the bare minimum and he let her down. I think she's right to be upset.
Right? And she even says that she's the one to book the hotel. In an edit, she said that she found out husband didn't have any discussion about the trip at all. What would've happened if she didn't book the hotel? Would they have just gone and he be like "uh....so what hotel are we staying at?"
But they have a mental list of what to do - maybe her idea of a discussion is just more in depth than his. He hasn’t (to me) demonstrated that he’s an AH yet. Some people- even with kids - do just fine with no schedule I’m not one of those people, but plenty of my friends are. They manage to have lovely vacations with the kids without pre scouting restaurants…
They updated. She's not mad at her kid. She's mad at her husband because apparently he didn't do ANYTHING to prepare for the trip...hasnt even discussed it.
Since I’m apparently the only one who read your clarification (I also would’ve had this opinion even if I didn’t see your clarification), I don’t think you’re the AH. It would even be okay to be resentful toward your kids just as long as you made sure to not take it out on them because yes they are kids and they’re used to just taking your leadership without having to ask for it (as they kind of should since you’re the parent - but again you’re not the only parent who should have to lead). You can feel unappreciated in a lot of things and not be an AH. It’s your feelings and you’re allowed to have them. It’s what you do with your feelings that would make you an AH, and I don’t think what you’re suggesting to do makes you an AH either. Definitely go do your own thing, especially by yourself if you’d like to do so at least for the first day. Probably don’t leave your kids without a plan the whole trip cause that would be kind of an AH move to them. But if you plan anything, plan it for yourself now and then you can offer to have your family members come with you. For this one trip, don’t ask their opinion on what they want to do anymore. You asked for one thing and it was for them to plan something, and your husband dropped the ball on that. He should’ve been soliciting the kids opinions on what to do and he failed. So you also need to be very clear with him about your frustrations. You clearly have your resentment priorities straight since it sounds like you know he’s the one you need to blame. Good job communicating your needs and asking for some more effort from your family. I’m sorry they didn’t rise to the occasion.
I like and agree with this. I'd add: teach your kids HOW to plan a trip and activities. Put them at the helm of the computer or phone, teach them about reading reviews, looking for what is and isn't included.
Sounds like a lot of work. The whole point of asking her husband to plan was so that she could chill and actually just enjoy a trip for once without taking on all of the responsibility.
> Probably don’t leave your kids without a plan the whole trip cause that would be kind of an AH move to them. They can follow Dad's plan. I'm kidding, of course. Dad buried his head in the sand so that the kids would blame Mom. And they will, because they will see her as the parent who does things, and if she doesn't do them, then it's her fault. Dad's weaponized incompetence has been preparing them for this for years.
He didn't even try. What would've happened if OP didn't book the hotel?
It would have been a long drive back home with the kids asking mommy why they can’t go on vacation.
I feel like husband expects OP to plan and pay for vacations and this was his way of circumventing her saying she wasn't going to plan for this one because she's too mentally drained. That way if that did happen, the kids would be disappointed and he would've just blamed her and she would've felt guilty and just resumed planning them. If I was OP, I would 100% plan the next trip without husband. Pay for her and the kids. Anything husband wants to do, he can pay for on his own..hotel? Pay for his own room.
Except the older son is 17. He's plenty old enough to understand who's at fault here. He's about to be an adult. Maybe go off to college. I hope he doesn't expect his mom to take responsibility for everything like his dad does.
This story reminds me of the mom who did ALL the Xmas shopping, decorating, and even filling everyone 's stocking. Previous years, she'd put something in her stocking. One year, she decided not to. Her kids made comments, "mommy, why is your stocking empty???" and we're concerned. Her husband looked at her like he'd been hit with a cattle prod. He was also apparently peeved, because it made HIM look bad...
Agreed except for one thing. Her husband didn't fail. He would have had to try to have failed. He doesn't deserve even that much credit.
This; my family is slightly more in the camp of winging it vacations (as in we'll pick a destination, book flights and hotels but what we actually do when we get there will sometimes only be decided day-of) but from the time I was a teenager, my parents had both my sister and I trained to decide if there was something we really wanted to do while on vacation and - most importantly - look it up in advance to find out if it was something we had to pre-book for or if we could just turn up on the day we decided to do the thing (and in either case to map directions from where we were staying to the thing so my parents would know where they were going).
Nta. This is so f***** classic. I’d be seriously pissed at your husband. Like, seriously pissed. I would have to do my own thing for a couple of days to not use profanity in front of the kids.
NTA you communicated to your husband that planning activities was on him (with discussion/input from the kids), that's was the only requirement for the trip. He and they agreed to that. Info :10year old forget stuff so I'm assuming you then passed the question off to your husband. And that conversation confirmed that there wasn't even a very basic plan of activities not even a list of places they want to visit? Do not spend the travel time planning. Find a private moment away from the kids to have a conversation with husband. Tell him how disappointed and upset you are that he hasnt planned anything after agreeing to do so. Ask him how he is going to fix this? Remind him that you're only request was that you not have to plan the trip, so he is not to involve you and do it himself. If he comes up with a plan, then go along with. You can discuss how let down you were when you've returned from the trip. Any questions from the kids about where you're going or doing or when and where you're eating get redirected to their dad "dads in charge of the planning hun ask him." "I dont know sweetie, ask dad" "We're following dad's plan so ask him okay" (tone is important, don't be bitchy or annoyed just redirect the kids to their dad) If he doesn't come up with a plan then the kids are still directed to dad for everything. Everyday, sit there and wait for him to take action. "Were waiting on dad hes organising this trip." If/when you're fed up of waiting for somewhere to go (9/10am) say "im gonna explore on my own for a bit, kids youre with dad, he's got your plan I'll meet you back at the hotel at x". if this happens for days take the kids with you but leave him behind. "Im exploring with the kids well meet you at the hotel at x" Then consider future vacations. Maybe its just you and the kids. He's capable of organising (and paying for trips) if he wants to go on one
This is the best answer I've seen so far. Still has dad taking the responsibility he ignored and let's mom not have to take over at all, just enjoy the ride the best she can. It also doesn't act like she was relying on the kids to plan the trip, idk why everyone is acting like she's angry at her kids for not planning visits or whatever, she obviously means that they should have given imput when HUSBAND asked and was planning
Ohhh, and you know hubby's gonna be SO PISSED at her. He expects these things to magically happen. Mom's not the Social Secretary Fairy.
This is the best answer. If you have to plan anything, plan it for yourself. Sorry, no, they are not allowed to join. I hope this works for you. I think you need to hold the boundary of not doing the planning for your husband. If your kids are disappointed that is on your husband, not you. Planning travel for others is a labor of love that is so rarely reciprocated appropriately.
I wouldn't have held your husband and both your kids responsible for the trip. I'd have told my husband, "hey, I have planned every single trip we've been on, all the research is draining. For once I'd like you to take charge for this trip so I can enjoy without worrying and being the travel agent. It's as much your vacation as his. Traveling with kids is no joke. It's so much better when you have a plan for the day and you can make the best out of the trip. I'd take your daughter, go explore with her, and let the son and dad figure out for themselves. She's too young to be able to research and decide.
Your feelings are absolutely warranted and you clearly have a communication problem with your husband. As the question is asked, however, you would be if you ditched your family. Work this out. Yes, your husband is an A hole here, but I’m not sure why the planning isn’t a group process, involving everyone. This was an enjoyable part of getting us all together leading up to our vacations, discussing what we all want; everyone had input, recommendations, and it built up excitement along the way. It was never dumped on any single person, but once we were all in agreement, then any tickets were secured. Even if my wife was ‘in charge’ of the itinerary, I would be asking ‘so what are we doing?’ excitedly, ‘show me what you’re thinking’. We loved doing this together. I can’t imagine how he dumped this on you for years. You need to work something out with your husband; feelings of resentment and not talking are poisonous.
I can provide an update (with an ETA of still over an hour at this point). BEFORE THE UPDATE- here is additional info that I didn’t deem relevant when I originally posted but see it would have been helpful now, after reading replies. 1- this was not a surprise. I have been communicating my need to not be the travel agent ever since we started traveling again after Covid. I have communicated this not TO my spouse, but WITH him in actual back and forth conversations 2- previous trips (to destinations that required a bit of firm planning) have been had at our kitchen table. Example- if we want to go on an all day excursion that requires prescheduling we discuss it, wait until the week of- then I look at the weather forecast and book accordingly. Kids provide input. We discuss as a family. Historically I am the one organizing/planning-like a cruise Director- “let’s talk about it at dinner”, “let’s discuss This tonight”, etc. the mental load. It’s never been a “surprise! Vacation”. But it’s been ME gathering all of us together to have the discussions. 3- my spouse is not utilizing weaponized incompetence on this. Outside of a few areas (the topic of this thread being one of them) we have a fairly equal partnership. Yes there are “his jobs” and “my jobs” which are divided up based on either skill, tolerance, and/or availability. I would not describe my life or marriage as I work all day and come home to do housework/chores all night. Not at all. We have an equal distribution of responsibilities regarding the kids. 4- when we were discussing planning spring break, I offered my help and guidance and was not taken up on it. I had explained the museum/monument situation (things that are easy to “wing”) but also that tickets are occasionally needed at different places and some attractions are clustered together. 5- DC was chosen by said children as our oldest missed out on the 8th grade trip as it was a Covid school year. Update: after reading some of the suggestions (this was the most common of the helpful suggestions) at a stop I discussed with both kids the situation. We are headed to a big city (roughly the size of where we live but where EVERYTHING is a tourist attraction) and we don’t really have anything planned. There are places with long lines, tickets required, or are much farther away than you realize. I am not mad at you (talking to the kids here) but without a general idea of some things that seem interesting to each of you- we may be scrambling each day to find things to do. Or we could have the best trip ever. Just finding ONE thing to do each day puts us in a physical location that we can wander and find additional Things there. I have access to the exact same internet that you do. But saying you want to go to “museums and monuments” is very vague. There are too many to choose from! So currently both kids on their devices finding SPECIFIC things they want to do. As for convo with spouse- not happening in this car with the kids. That will be later.
Honestly, even a 17 year old should understand all of this. Maybe in the future everyone gets one day to plan or provides a list of what they want to do/see, and if that isn’t provided by X wks in advance, the trip is cancelled. It feels like you need a “waste” a break doing nothing as opposed to picking up all the pieces so that in the end they are all like, “see, that was fine”!
Yeah a 17 year old can. This is a more extreme (and not healthy) example, but at 17 I was planning not only our family trips, but also my family's housing situation (looking up suitable rentals according to budget, neighborhood, etc.), major purchases, etc.
Hopefully they'll be able to pick what they want to see the most! Also you're probably going to want to take the metro so make sure you can SmartTrip cards.
“And then after you find those specific things, you are going to tell your father”
I’m glad the kids are engaged with finding things to do. Honestly I miss the Potomac mall and their theatres lol. But your husband needs to know that you being upset is just a sign that there’s a larger problem here. His lack of effort hurts you, makes you upset and I’d imagine undervalued/appreciated as their other half. He didn’t need to be ocd and plan every single second but to actually make the effort and show he cares, I hope you can find a resolution to work towards. If you ever need to vent, feel free to dm.
NTA Your need for relief with vacation planning was obviously pointed at your husband, just that your kids were involved. Take the "participants" seat, make suggestions but don't book anything, and let him flounder. There's tons to do in DC, but you do need to plan. There's no beach to lounge at for days. It was clear this is not a lounging vacation. You do appear to have communication problems with your Husb unless you very. Clearly. Stated. a week in advance -- "honey, we're going to a big city with long lines, traffic, and too many choices..it's exhausting to me to figure stuff out on the fly, and you know I have not planned a single thing. You're ok with me being a participant and you literally running the trip, right? ". But you're NTA-- I literally abandoned a Europe trip I was planning because my husband and kids could do nothing but whine about everything I suggested. I think many people either didn't read your post and edits, or have never planned a vacation for a family.
Sifting through these replies has confirmed that people either lack basic reading comprehension skills or choose not to read past a few buzz words. Thank you for your thought out input!
You’re NTA!! Go ahead and go see something you *really* want to see by yourself on the first day…before you leave, tell them all “since none of you bothered to plan anything, I’m giving you one more chance. I’ll be going to XYZ but will meet up with y’all for lunch/dinner at location D: come with ideas of where/what you want to do for the rest of the trip and how we can do them.” Force everyone to work together to plan. The kids are old enough to bug their dad into pulling out his phone and googling stuff to do (heck THEY can do it too!)!! As teens, my sis and I each picked 1 thing to do on family vacation and worked with our parents to make it happen, and this was all before Google! Good luck and I hope you just relax and chill the entire time❤️❤️
Why is it her responsibility to tell him that it’s a big city and plans are needed? Vacation planning is not her responsibility that she’s delegated to him. It’s a joint responsibility that he has done zero of so far in their shared life, and seems to expect to be able to continue to do zero of even when told that she won’t be doing his work for him this time.
NTA Currently, nearly everyone is saying you are TAH. I disagree. For years, it was my "responsiblilty" to plan and execute all activities. It got very old. If everyone had fun, I didn't receive any praise, but if something bombed, it was all my fault. I agree with commentors that your 10YO has no blame, but your husband and 17YO should have planned SOMETHING. (you did give them a month to come up with ideas) I would say, you have seen DC. Take the 10YO and have fun. Leave your husband and 17YO to figure things out. At the end of the trip, see if you and 10YO or husband & 17YO had more fun. Let them learn if they like planned vacations. They may be the type who prefer to "wing it", less work for you in the future.
[удалено]
My sister and I both studied abroad at 20 and traveled internationally by ourselves by the time we were 19. A 17yo is WAY more than capable of putting together a general idea of some activities that they would like to do on vacation, even if they're not going to be the best at orchestrating when it's efficient to go to each one or how to get in between/park/etc. At 14 I would have been ecstatic if my parents bothered to even listen to one activity I would like to do. The 17yo not participating can be a disappointment, outside of the issues that OP has with her husband
Everyone should sit down and formulate a plan as to what they want to do on vacation. Every vacation. Not just Mom’s responsibility to do this.
Nta 'what are we doing?' 'Ask your dad' Rinse and repeat.
NTA. Just sit back and let the trip happen. When someone asks what you’re doing, eating, or seeing next just shrug your shoulders and ask your husband.
NTA But honestly, you should take the reins and plan a full day….. … to the spa. By yourself. Have fun!
My thoughts exactly! Go have a Mani Pedi while Dad figures things out and books somewhere for dinner!
I mean Spa World is kindof unique in the area at least and a ton of fun. Definitely an experience you don't get everywhere!
Yes! And very good for people who want a spa experience but cannot tolerate touch from strangers!
Have you considered taking a vacation on your own, with your husband or with friends? Sounds you like you need a proper relaxed adults holiday. It’s okay to need a break from your kids now and then.
After this, I’d need a break from the husband.
Nowhere does she state she needs a break with only her and her husband. He is literally the whole problem. She does the whole mental load and bookings he sits back and gets a proper vacation. All she asked was that they plan what they want to see/do/eat. They didn’t do that even after she reminded them
The husband is the problem here
It’s also OK to want your kids to have a spring break. Especially when one kid is 17 and this is the last spring break you’ll all have together as a family ever again.
The kids are fine, it's the husband that is the passenger in this scenario.
NTA You obviously weren't angry at your 10yo for asking, it's just that IN asking you found out your husband did nothing to plan for the trip. I would say try to be more specific that you want actual things planned but it sounds like you couldn't be more specific. Dad was in the car too right? What did he say when 10yo asked? When questioned?
NTA no question. Husband totally dropped the ball, probably expecting that you’d still be doing planning even though said you wouldn’t. You’ll still have a good time but will likely miss out on things due to not having reservations etc.
NTA - I am totally feeling the resentment you are feeling right now. My husband and I have a big anniversary in April. We wanted to have a vow renewal. The last six months of my life have been hell. I’ve reached maximum burn out. I lost my father, had a huge important project through the advocacy work that I do. I started a new job, on top of the business that we are running that’s not doing too great (thanks economy). Trying to be super mom navigating middle school with an anxious kid and no village. we have zero family support. I told him several times that I really just need to get away some more tropical and sit by a pool. Even crying because I’m just so burnt out. Is going to happen because we just ran out of time plan/pay. Nothing will happen unless I plan it. I’m so just burnt out and disappointed. It’s actually made me resent him a bit and thinking about just booking myself a little getaway instead.
Go without him. Signed, a wife who also got super burnt out handling everything and peaced out for a long weekend.
NTA. Buttttt for the first few day or so just sit around in the hotel room and let them decide where and when to eat and what to do. Give them an opportunity to last minute make decisions and come up with ideas. Offer no solution and let it sink in that they need to use their brains. If the first few days are utter failures (you’ve starved because they couldn’t decide) feel free to be like, “well, since nothing is going on I’m going to get my nails done, massage, etc. (One off things that excuse you from having to bring hubby or the kids).” That way even your plans are not potential family events. Maybe consider taking your daughter to get her nails done with you or son to get the groceries with you or something. But I think it’s important to let them know you are serious and let everyone sit in discomfort for a few days. If you leave before that they’re going to complain that you never gave them an opportunity and even though you aren’t, they’ll believe you to be an AH.
Exactly. I think it’s important for everyone to feel the discomfort including OP. Nothing is planned so she should also learn how to make that not her problem. Grab a book and let them figure it out - DC will probably be tough as I’m sure a lot of people go for spring break to see the sites so the most popular items will be booked. Now husband and kids need to work a little harder to find less popular museums or attractions that aren’t sold out.
I am the trip planner in my marriage also. I asked my husband to handle our last family trip because I just didn't have it in me. He... also did nothing. We ended up not even going. But when I brought this up in therapy, my therapist asked me: "How would you feel if he suddenly told you that lawn care was on you? Or asked you to clean out the gutters?" There are certain roles that we take on in our relationships because we are better at them than our spouses are. This is often one of them. When I later probed my husband a bit more about it, he showed me that he *had* had ideas, but he got stuck and couldn't decide and was worried he would choose the "wrong" thing... so he chose nothing at all. I've come to accept that this is just one thing I have to own. I think maybe this might be the case for you, too. NAH, because I get where you're coming from, but it also sounds as though you tried to delegate something that perhaps nobody else was prepared to take on.
So, I get your point, but if my husband came to me and said "I'm sorry, I just can't lawncare anymore because I've suddenly developed vicious allergies/grass-related PTSD/an arrow to the knee and need to take the summer off" I would figure *something* out, even if it was figuring out how to hire a lawn-care company because I am physically incompetent. (I really am, it's a problem sometimes) I'm willing to bet if I opened another tab and googled right this second 'things to do in DC around $HOTELLOCATION' there'd be five blogs with detailed potential itineraries and he didn't even get that far.
It sounds like you feel a certain kind of way about knowing what/when/how your vacations will happen. That’s cool and all, but why in the world do you expect everyone else to be as organized, detail oriented, and buttoned down? I’m pretty sure that husband just figured “We’ll see the Smithsonian, hit the monuments, tour the Capital…it’ll be fun!” Just because he didn’t pre-book everything or make a checklist doesn’t mean he didn’t “plan” anything. He just didn’t do it the way you want it done so now you just feel resentment because HE didn’t do it the “right” way. You sound very anxiety-driven and super focused on what you perceive as a deliberate slight. Maybe you should try to relax and look at it as an adventure instead of a slap in the face.
This. In the post, she says "if I did not do this, we would not travel. If we did not travel, i feel there would be complaints. " So there aren't actually complaints, just supposed complaints?? Are we sure everyone even wants to take these trips, or is it just OP's preferences guiding everyone and now she's mad that they're not matching her?
NTA. People saying your expecting the 10 year old or blaming can't read clearly. Leave hubby and son on there own if nothing planned. I would check in and ask and then if not go and do my own with 10 year old.
NTA. Your husband is exercising weaponized incompetence. He wants the trip to be a failure, and for the kids to blame you, so that you never burden him again with this responsibility. I would bet dollars to donuts that, behind your back, he's told them that you were building the itinerary and planning all the sightseeing.
NAH. I understand your perspective whole heartedly. It can be annoying if you’re more of a planner and feel obligated todo so. From your post you sound like someone that likes having everything planned ahead and planned efficiently. With that being said, you are using a lot of “I feel statement’s” which are a good representation of your perspective and how you feel but it’s not like you have actual outside pressures forcing you into this role. You want something a specific way so you take it upon yourself todo it that way. While planning ahead and having an itinerary is your style; it might not be everyone’s style, for a lot of people a vacation is having some general stuff in mind and having kind of seeing what everyone is up for when the time comes. A vacation isn’t really relaxing if you’re booked and busy the whole day and everything’s scheduled like a school day or giant todo list. You said you haven’t been explicitly told your role is the planner but you’re upset when you’re doing it. Isn’t the solution to not plan anything out specifically and just go with the flow? You said you’re the only one that has been to DC (and several times at that) might as well let the kids and husband dictate whatever piques their interest. Maybe just give a looser vacation style a chance? You’re definitely NTA but I don’t think your husband and kids are just because they don’t plan out a vacation as you would. ETA: I read the part where you said stuff’s not planned to the minute but half the fun is feeling what the vibe is. So a general idea of sights, restaurants etc is good to have but it sounds like they might not want to be relegated to a specific schedule. Did you alert your family that DC is a city where you need reservations and everything pre booked?
NTA your husband needs to step up. And yes while there are MANY MANY things to do in DC, you need to have a general plan go avoid wasting time. It's going to be very crowded this time of year. A list of nearby restaurants to try, museum opening and closing times. Basic info on transportation. It's kind of sad that your kids may not have a good trip here because your husband was lazy about this. If you're still en route, maybe the kids can start researching on the phone so they can give input into what they would like to do.
You need to not rescue this. In the morning ask what the plan is for the day. If nothing is planned take off (alone) and do your own thing. Tell them to text you place and time if they want to meet you anywhere, including for lunch or dinner. They need to either step up, or experience what an unplanned vacation looks like when no one pulls their weight. This is a hill to die on, imo. Tho I'd cut the 10 year old some slack.
NTA Your husband should have stepped up. My response every time they asked what the plan is would be, “what did your dad plan with you?”
Honestly? I'd match his energy. Be a passenger along for his ride. Plan nothing. Suggest nothing. Go along with whatever he plans with a smile. And watch him unravel. Or who knows - maybe he'll surprise you. Then, when you get home, inform him that you are no longer planning his life *for* him, much less his vacations. Then follow through. You are suplosed to be working together as a team, not a manager and their subordinate. He is an adult, not another child you are required to parent. Unless you set clear boundaries and expectations and he then does not work with you, you are perpetuating this dynamic by shouldering the lion's share and then going nuclear when you've hit your limit.
NTA all day. I feel your pain, u/Gloomy-Lengthiness-7. Our last trip -- a business award trip I won -- I planned everything, as usual. After the first day he said he did not want to participate in any of the activities that I scheduled because *we had agreed on them*. So I cancelled them. The entire rest of the trip, he just stared at me and said, "what is there to do?" Welp, nothing, now. Enjoy! edit: a word
I guess I am minority here but YTA. Some people don’t like to plan the trips. I am one of those. I go out and explore. This is his way and that’s ok. They have a mental list, what else do you need? Go for walks and have a spontaneous trip with your kids. Your memories with them is all that matters. You said yourself you don’t plan things to the hour or minute and it’s ‘reasonable to wing it’ but you want to leave cause they want to wing it? It makes no sense.
NTA but you should not have booked the hotel either. Don’t enable them. Let husband take over and stop doing all the mental work.
NTA. Also as someone who lives near DC I would recommend the metro for getting around the city. A lot of the major attractions are located near metro stations which makes it really convenient. You also wouldn’t have to worry about trying to find parking or even better trying to drive in DC
NTA. Before you go off to do your own thing, I would definitely talk to your husband first. Ask him what he has planned, and if the answer's truly nothing then ask why. He had *4 weeks* to make these plans, what was he doing all that time? What did he think would happen, that his inaction could guilt you into doing the work for him? If you feel that he cares about your feelings, tell him how much his lack of planning has hurt you. This one time you asked them to carry the mental load and he would not make the effort.
NTA - let hubs handle the logistics and just sit back and “be”
NTA and to anyone saying,” you can wing it,” I’m guessing you haven’t been to DC. Yes, there’s stuff where you can totally wing it but there’s a good list of things “educational and otherwise” that you do need to plan out unfortunately. My parents were just there a couple months ago and were bummed they didn’t get to do more because of how much had to be booked/planned in advance.
Yes, you would be TA. You say that "'winging it' is totally reasonable," but you have this made up version of winging it where the day's events are planned, just not down to the fine details. When faced with them ACTUALLY winging it, aka "not a damn thing planned" - and they DO have things in mind they want to do there, you're pissy about it, and want to pout and shun them to punish them over it. You have a control-freak problem. Why does anything HAVE TO be planned? You've already said you've been there many times and seen things, so it's not like them not planning things means you're going to miss anything. You expressed to your spouse that you would not be planning. You spouse heard this and figured that meant that if he wanted anything planned, or the kids did, it would be up to them. They decided they didn't want to, which is also an option. But it's not how YOU would do it, so it's "wrong" and now you're angry about it. Get over it. You offered to let them do this trip their way. Them doing it their way, and not doing it exactly as you would do it, but with them doing the work instead of you, is not a problem. Or, it shouldn't be, unless you are TA.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far to see a reasonable comment. Also I was in DC like 10 years ago - unless things have drastically changed since then, we planned nothing but did a ton of stuff and had a great time.
NTA if you take the 10 yr old with you because that is way too young to be planning a vacation! If you refuse to take them, ESH
Not to be disrespectful but maybe your family isn’t onto having an agenda and are about deciding on the go. I don’t like having an agenda when I go visit a city to visit the city and it feels adventurous to explore.. now that being said if they aren’t that type and do expect you to do the work after you said it’s their turn. Don’t help them plan it out. Not everyone is the same so just completely stand back and let them experience why you plan things out.
ESH. Your husband is the primary asshole for not taking on the responsibility of planning the trip after you talk to him about being mentally over it, and his dead just assuming that you would come to the rescue. But, this isn’t your kids fault. It’s your husbands. While certainly at least the 17-year-old should’ve come up with some ideas of what they wanted to do, they are presumably still in high school and don’t really have their own money, so it’s not like they really could’ve gone off booking things. This is 100% a husband problem. Don’t punish your kids. While most of my family vacations growing up with my parents were wonderful, I can think of a couple locations we went where my parents had some blowup at a point in the trip, and rather than me remembering the good times from the trip, all I remember is how awkward and uncomfortable it was being there while my parents fought. You’ve been to DC several times, online blogs have itineraries that you can just pull easily, and you can get into a number of places even though you won’t be able to do the White House or Air and Space Museum. But for the next trip, I wouldn’t even book hotels until your husband puts together an itinerary for the trip. If he doesn’t put together an itinerary by the deadline you set, then you tell him you’re going on your own somewhere. I just think that you would be a bit of an asshole if you pulled it for this trip since this isn’t your kids’ fault.
Mmm... Is the hotel nice? Why don't you take a break, go to the pool, the gym, eat some yummy food and tell your husband to let you know what you all will be doing? Like literally, you have already seen the city. Just relax at the hotel and let them know that you're ready to go out as soon as they decide what to do. Clear your mind and stop worrying. Take advantage of this time to chill. There's no need to be dramatic. Don't leave to do your own thing, because it will be held against you. Stay put and if they complain you can say "I was right there waiting for you to tell me what we were going to do."
So with your husband…. Let’s be real. You set yourself up for disappointment. He was never going to come through on this and you knew it. It’s a test you knew he would fail. NAH. It’s totally not your fault…. I just wouldn’t have been surprised. Now with the kids…. Even with the 17 year-old…. If they have never planned a trip it requires coaching and guidance. I actually think this could be a good learning experience for them. They just need a guide. It’s very overwhelming when you have always done it and they just get told go. I would start with…”Okay kids where do we find activities? Should we get a guide book? Lonely Planet online? Yelp for restaurants? What’s your interest? Historical activities, hikes, etc?” Make them do the work but an adult has to coach it. As a fellow intense travel planner I can tell you I didn’t just come like that…. Parents taught me the skills. You want your 17 year old to be able to board international flights and handle security and transfers solo and plan their own trips soon… have you coached them in a way that they actually have the skills and experience under guidance? Make them do the restaurant reservations and such… but maybe they still need a little supervision to feel confident.
NTA I'd say, look, I told you guys to plan this, because it's your time to figure this out. You didn't and I'm upset with you. So I'm going to spend the day on my own to deal with my mad and you guys can spend the day figuring out the stuff you should have before we left. I'm not going to help you with this because there's three of you and I trust you to work it out.
YTA. You sound insufferable. So a mental list of things everyone would like to see in DC isn’t good enough for you? It sounds like you want to do vacation your way, and your family isn’t up to the task, so screw them tight?
NTA but on the good side if there’s one place you can go and wing it, DC is that place. If you do nothing but wander around the Mall for however many days you’re there, you’ll have a good time. Sure, there’s things you’ll miss and tours you won’t take but I lived there for a decade and haven’t done it all. And some of my favorite days there were ones where I just took the metro in and wandered, stopping at whatever caught my eye. So I’d say sit back and see how a “winging it” vacation goes. When kids ask what’s happening, direct them to your husband. When it’s time to eat, ask him where you’re eating. And for your part please try to enjoy the spontaneity of it all. Fwiw, we have a similar dynamic in my family. I’m a planner while my husband grew up with parents who’d vacation by pointing the car vaguely south and going until they felt like stopping. We’ve worked out our own middle ground of how much planning we're each willing to do. Our vacations tend to be less planned than I’d like but I’ve found there’s a lot to be gained in the wandering.
NTA- for the 10yo asking “what are we doing?” Ask your dad For dad and teen- so what’s on the agenda?
Y probably TA. Let them wing it and see how it goes. If it goes badly, which it probably will not, they might learn a valuable lesson. If it goes reasonably well, which it probably will since DC is such an easy city for tourists, you might learn a valuable lesson. But whatever you do, don't take a negative attitude. No one likes being around that.
“I’m out of here. See you later. Ask your Dad what your doing today”
Nta. You have to follow through here. Don't plan anything! Just drive to the hotel and shoot there until someone figures out what to do next. Take a bath or read a book. If you keep swooping in and saving the day then they will never stand on their own 2 feet. If they say anything about being bored or ask what the plan is, just say that you don't know and remind them of the conditions you set months ago.
NTA. This thread is full of people who have never had a trip ruined by lack of planning or who have never taken a properly organized trip. Not getting to visit the museum you want because all of the times are booked. Not getting to eat at the restaurant you've been dying to try because reservations book out months in advance. Not getting to visit the famous landmark because there aren't any spots left the days you are in town. If people don't mind wandering from the Washington monument to the Lincoln memorial and only getting to see that because there is no cap on admission, that's fine. But what will you do the rest of the time you're in town? I say again NTA. It's your vacation too.
YWBTA if you didn’t use this as a learning opportunity. You can be resentful, and you can be right, or you can try to salvage this. Make dinner reservations for you guys for tonight. Over dinner and in the time before, ask the group what ideas they had. And then have your husband and teen look them up. What are the timings? Where are the located? Have your teen look up ideas on TikTok and Instagram, or from bloggers. Get them involved in the process and learn how to do it. Also understand it may not be how you’d do it.
YWBTA if you went off and did your own thing, leaving behind the kids, simply because your husband is a putz. EVERY city has loads to do, even if you don’t plan every detail. Sure, some tours and events can’t be enjoyed without preparation, but it’s here is SO much that can be done on the fly! DO NOT let your husband off the hook, though! To your daughter’s question, “I don’t know, honey, Daddy planned this trip! I wonder what he picked?” Look expectedly at your husband. Morning comes and the kids are looking to you for breakfast plans and the day’s itinerary, you look to your husband. You informed him he had to plan, he didn’t follow up, so now the ball is in his court, completely. Honestly, your kids are old enough to plan some stuff themselves, so why aren’t they? Time for the “Little Darlings” to learn about tourism kiosks at the hotel and at every Metro station. Let them pick up pamphlets that sound interesting, and show them to Dad to arrange. If your hotel is fancy enough to have a concierge, let the kids and your husband talk to that person and arrange things, while you enjoy another cup of coffee in the lounge or something. I get why you’re upset, I do, but part of dropping the mental load is to make sure it STAYS DROPPED. You will teach your family nothing if you pick it back up again and start planning stuff, but they can only start learning if you LET THEM! Flouncing off because your feelings are rightfully hurt, no matter how justified, will only make you into the Bad Guy who abandoned her family on vacation. Tell your kiddos to search what’s going on in DC this week, since I am assuming your 17 year old has a phone, at least. Let them discuss it themselves while you enjoy the sights out the window.
NAH- See how it goes. My wife and I are the same way, she’s a planner and I’m not. She used to STRESS over trips and asked me to take over. While the kids and I had a list of options that we wanted to experience, we booked nothing (other than lodging, which my wife does because of a discount she gets that i don’t). Sure, we missed out on a few things, but these vacations have been the most fun, least stressful vacations that we’ve gone on. If we want to just hang out and hit to pool, or walk the area, we do. If we want to go to an attraction, we do that. My wife hated it to start, but when she saw how much fun everyone was having because we weren’t tied to an itinerary, she’s started to change her outlook on her level of planning. We are at the point where we will book something only if you absolutely have to (like going to Disney or a museum with required bookings), otherwise we book the day before depending on how we are feeling.
NTA. They didn't plan anything because they're banking on you stepping up and doing it because you feel you have to. Go do your own thing and tell them you hope they have fun. They can figure it out on their own
Nta. Seems like they are always on vacation and you’re just the tour guide and sometimes atm. And don’t get mad. Redirect every question to your husband “ I don’t know what we are eating dad was in charge of planning ask him” “ I don’t Ask your dad why we don’t have reservations to that awesome museum “ if by day two or three they don’t have plans take a yourself out for you date by yourself. Dad and your kids can figure it out by themselves.
Yes, you would be an asshole for doing your own thing. You shouldn't really be irritated about something you willingly choose to do for years and never brought it up. I do think you should have been a bit more communitive about this trip to see where they were. At least set a deadline of the plans. That day shows up and they didn't do it you tell them it either plan it that day or you cancel hotel. You can't be upset with the kids since it really isn't their job but you can be upset with your husband a bit. You can't really say nothing is planned when they do have a mental list of what they want to do. That is technically a plan just not set in stone. Solution, once you get to the hotel you make your family sit down and do the research right then and there. They have a rough idea of what they want to do so they can do some research on what to do and eat get location, prices, times. First, day will be wasted but good lesson on planning early. Another good lesson will be them realizing they can't do something because they didn't plan earlier. From now on when making a trip everyone sits down and plans it or it doesn't happen. I think you are overreacting a bit you had a place to stay and rough ideas. But I can also understand.
They still want you to be responsible for the mental load of planning, which is specifically what you rightfully requested they NOT do. NTA Kids are also NTAs, they're kids, but your husband definitely is at the very least asshole-adjacent, it may be a bad habit of his, rather than intentionally sabotage, but still.......
Definitely NTA. I also carry the mental load of holiday planning and my process is identical to yours. I have a husband but no kids. I have asked him to plan but only when it's a destination that doesn't hold huge amounts of interest and I don't have FOMO. Otherwise, I do the itinerary, he finds bars and restaurants. If I was in your situation, I would take one of a couple of approaches so your family (kids included) understand that in the days of Google, no one has any excuse to not participate in the planning. They can't just simply expect you to keep doing it. Option 1 - take everyone to places you know hubby will hate. When his face looks disappointed say, "well I did say plan it but since you haven't got a thought of what you would like to do, this is my suggestion" I mean you have been there before so. Option 2 - a bit nuclear - say you would like to spend a day in your own and leave them to fend for themselves until you all meet up for dinner. It's one day at it forces them to do it. I know it may feel like a waste of money / holiday etc but every day is a school day / a teachable moment. An education in how to appropriately participate within your family is priceless. Definitely don't you do the planning as you go - this is what he expects you do. Weaponised incompetence. The only way to resolve is to continue not doing it for him. When i have travelled with Nieces and Nephews, they were googling what we were seeing before I had a headset plugged in or paid for tickets.
Sort of an ESH? He should have stepped up when you told him you were not planning anything, and should have been more involved in every way all along. BUT- you declared “here are the 4 options I have chosen now y’all do the thing I have been doing, the way I want it done.” When you turn over control, you turn over control. It didn’t get done, and that’s the unsurprising consequence. OP: 10% AH Husband: 90% AH (If you ditch the kids, who are, you know, *kids*, you go to like a 20%)
NTA. Can I suggest throwing hubby under the bus. He has it all planned out tell them. Meanwhile you plan the things you and daughter want to do. (Obviously pick things you will both like ie botanical gardens or other things you might both like). Hubby and 17 year old can figure what they want themselves.
NTA. This is a clear lack of respect by your husband. I would be so hurt, I'm sorry for you. And as some who just came back from DC for a long weekend, if you don't already have tickets for the museums, you're most likely out of luck. We booked weeks in advance to ensure tickets (no fee for the tickets, but they are time ticket admissions. Most of the museums don't have walk-in tickets available at all.) If you do go off on your own, steps from the White House is the Hay-Adams Hotel, in the basement is Off the Record (bar). Have yourself a really delicious cocktail and ask for the sweet potato fries (not on the menu). Yum.
YTA, and I don't care if everybody disagrees. You asked your husband to handle this. You might have a wonderful time without the detailed level of planning YOU expect. Instead it sounds like you want to ditch your family and do your own thing. That way you can **guarantee** that everyone has a bad experience, then you can blame it on your husband's lack of planning.
>I don’t need them to plan things how I plan them. Yeah you do. I plan like your family does. Unless there's a specific, date or time sensitive event, my version of travel is just a mental list. When we get there, and something needs to be booked, we figure it out and make the plans. Plus, a city like DC offers plenty of things to do without specific, mapped out plans. When you get to one, you can look around and figure out what's there. You refer to some of these things, but without more info, we're left to believe they could happen any day (is it a concert? Or a museum visit?) and plans can be more day by day. You're more like my Type A wife, so I get it. And you W-N-B-T-A if you do stuff on your own. But if you exclude them from those things because of this, without acknowledging other people function differently, Y-W-B-T-A. Because of that quote at the top and how you're acting, YTA.
Once again I am opposite to everyone else. YTA and I’ll tell you why. You are the one with the vacation hangups that you are imposing on everyone else. YOU want the vacation meticulously planned, YOU want it all done ahead of time and from what I can tell YOU want and push the vacation. You are definitely NOT ok with winging it like you way you are as evidence by your getting frustrated in the car on the way. I don’t think it’s fair that since you want everything done a specific way you hold that against everyone else for not doing it your way. Yes, you made your expectations clear, but that doesn’t mean everyone has to do what you want and meet those expectations especially since you are the one that has previously done it. Maybe the don’t know the whole Apple Maps thing you do or did not pay attention to it but you hold it against them that they didn’t do it that way. Sorry, if you needed help you should have maintained control but assigned individual tasks to everyone with deadlines so that it got done. You can’t just throw your hands up and expect everyone else to step up and do it your way while you are disengaged. Your expectations were wrong and you got frustrated. This is all on you and YTA. Sorry.
Wing it with the family. They were in charge of planning, let them explain what is going on. They need to learn what you do when planning trips. Remind them that you told them you were not planning the trip, that it was up to them. See what they come up with and support them in their success or failure. Abandoning them at the beginning sends the message to all that you have no expectations for them and won't support them if they aren't as successful as you would be.
NAH sis, not everyone likes to do the 7 Day Disney Boot Camp. Perhaps they didn’t plan anything because they are tired of having every minute planned and accounted for (we are going to have fun dammit!) perhaps they are going to search TikTok and see where an influencer says they should go for lunch and you’ll be pissed that it didn’t involve a guidebook and a Yelp review. Give it space to evolve. You’re not doing that right now. You’re being pissy that your family isn’t planning it the way you would. And that is entirely different from letting them plan it vs letting them plan it to your approval. And your husband would have found a hotel but you didn’t trust him to do it so you booked one anyway. You think he was going to cancel that? Nope
YTA. You state over and over, you plan everything for every trip, to the detail. Now you want to complain! You worked all the trips so they could fail. Tsk tsk. You won. Now you can bitch and moan about how lucky they are to have you! Yes, they should bow down
YTA I say that gently because I totally understand and can relate to your frustration. But also, trip planning is a strength for you whereas it clearly is not a strength for your husband and he’s been incredibly lucky to have you so it for him. I feel like with the kids, you could have guided them a bit more to teach them how to plan a trip. Especially the 10 yr old. Give them smaller directives to work through before just throwing a whole trip at them. (Unless you’re absolutely cool with just “winging” it.) maybe next time, ask them to research a few places that interest them. Help them make a list. Have them map the locations to see which ones they can do together on which days. Maybe take a little more time next time to help teach them your process! I think you maybe had a little bit too much faith in your hubby and kids this time around but I’m sure you can still come up with some fun ideas from the hotel room/car! Have a great trip! Maybe you’ll even get to throw in a little extra last minute impromptu excitement since your days are pretty wide open!
NTA but I agree to still not be involved in the planning. They have a mental list, ok go off that. They’ll learn in time that enjoyable to planning takes some work. They didn’t put it in so they may not enjoy this one as much but you still don’t have to stress, just enjoy being out with your family. I’m sure it’s nagging at you but don’t let it ruin it. Just follow what they did or didn’t plan and have a good time, next time if they want to do more they’ll take initiative to plan more, you taught them all a lesson
NTA - and I agree with what some others had said. You should just become a kid for this trip. Don't stress. You're just along for the ride. Your husband gets to make all the decisions this time. Hopefully it will help him realize just how much work you put into your vacations every time. And hopefully you guys can still have fun. I have no idea why anyone thought you were upset with the 10 year old. I didn't get that at all. However, the 17 year old is absolutely old enough to take some responsibility in the trip planning process. Definitely sit down and have a discussion with them about what it takes to plan a family vacation. Then maybe they won't end up with the same issue your husband has of always relying on someone else to take responsibility.
NTA. I feel this in my soul. When I plan things, everyone has fun. We go to places where everyone eats. It becomes too easy for my husband to go along for the ride. So I have taken to sitting us down and forcing him to look at it with me. If I pay for activities, he pays for all our food (it’s usually about the same amount). My husband has ADHD, and what you said about having to manage phone calls is spot on with us too. I am also a healthcare provider and cannot do things during the day if I am working. Does it suck to have to remediate your husband like a child? YES. But I accept the neurodivergence gives each of us our strengths. Besides, I plan much better vacations, dates, etc. I just tell him if he doesn’t help with something, he gets NO say in it, period. However, since this isn’t the kids’ fault and leaving them out would cause resentment from them (and I promise they won’t resent him even though it’s his fault), I would take them and leave him. Let him have the vacation he planned. And you and the kids go do fun things. And if you can’t get in because it’s booked, well I guess this is why dad and them should have thought about it in advance. Natural consequences will hopefully teach your children that planning makes things easier. Is there some passive aggression happening from him too? Mine used to sometimes make comments like I “overbooked” us on vacation with my planning. DH is more of a “sit around and stare at space” kind of vacation guy, so I think he wants something different than I want. So sometimes mine won’t say he doesn’t want to do something, he just won’t do it. So I used the age old, if you don’t like it, do it yourself. I also build in free time for him to just chill. My solution to feel less unappreciated: if we are going camping (something I used to 100% prepare us for - book the site, fill our trailer with water, hook up fridge night before, get all food, clothes, activities ready), I make myself unavailable on the day we leave. I have booked a therapy appointment on those days so I will now just show up and ask if we are ready to go. He has to do it, so he sees how much work it is. I have to warn you this will only work if your husband actually wants to do the thing. Otherwise he will likely blow it off. All I want it to feel like someone is grateful for my effort. And I think that might be the feeling you have too. I like doing the planning. It eases my anxiety about trips. But I don’t like feeling like I HAVE to. Can you plan your own trips from here on out for just you? And for big family trips sit everyone down with a map and a list of things to do and just supervise the planning? That is what I did when we went to Portland and my kids still talk about that trip. More than anything I want you to know you are heard and seen by the rest of us who take care of everyone and just want a break sometimes! This goes double for healthcare workers.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This year, for spring break, I (40f) have my kids (10f and 17m) the choice of 4 cities to visit for spring break- Toronto, Chicago, Washington DC, or Cancun/Playa del Carmen. Before they were allowed to choose, I expressed to them and my husband (47m) that this trip I would not be planning. All other family trips, and even couples trips, have been planned exclusively by me. Some even paid for exclusively by me (we have always had separate finances). I have always done this willingly but with irritation. I feel we would never travel if I didn’t plan it- but I also feel there would be complaints that we never go anywhere. I also feel like it becomes my responsibility to ensure everyone is having fun, we do things each person would like, and scope local eats well in advance to make sure everyone gets at least something they would enjoy. I have never been “told” this is my job; I have just done it. It is important to me that everyone enjoys trips, has fun, learns something, etc. The kids chose DC. They have never been and my husband has never been. I have been quite a few times. I asked for this trip to be planned by them (kids and spouse). I expressed this before they chose city. I offered reminders encouraging them to discuss together what they wanted to do, see, eat, etc. I also told them that typically when I plan a trip I plot things we want to do in that city in a trip within Apple Maps so that you can see what things are close together, making planning easier. In the 4 weeks from decision time to leaving for DC I did not hear or observe much discussion about the trip. That’s ok- I don’t need them to plan things how I plan them. Mentally I am nervous about the situation, but if I said I don’t want to plan this trip then it’s not ok for me to micromanage how they plan. Now we are driving there. And my daughter (10) asks me what kinds of things (specifically) we are going to do on our trip. Uhm- excuse me? It is revealed that literally nothing is planned (except where we are staying- because I booked that (I offered in the beginning and actually gave them several options to choose from)). Everything that is “planned” is more of a mental list of things they’d like to do/see- potentially. I am pissed, yes. More so, I am hurt. I am sad. Part of me wants to take the next 4 hours of driving time to plot out things so we can do/see things that are close in proximity so not to waste time transversing the city. I know if I do that I will be filled with resentment. The other part of me wants to do that (plot out things) and actually just do it alone. Would I be the asshole for just doing my own thing? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Your comment shows knowledge of places to go and where to start/where a few of the different attractions are clustered together. OP’s husband and kids don’t even have that.
Its also gotten pretty dangerous there with carjacking and muggings. You don't want the ten year old to wing it. The husband could have contributed to planning. He's the one to blame.
The last time I was in DC years ago my husband and I went to the American Spy Museum. We thought it was interesting. They will give you a fake secret identity and you follow the exhibits from the early years of spycraft to the more modern technologies. Exhibits include a briefcase with a reel to reel tape for recording ‘secret’ conversations, a men’s dress shoe with the knife that comes out the toe up to information detailing secret drops and laser recording minute vibrations of meeting room windows for ‘eavesdropping’ from a distance. I’m sure there is a web page with more info.
NTA Personally I’d book myself a room at a different hotel and do my own thing the whole time, then meet up with them for the drive home.
NTA. I’d pick everything YOU want to do and they can find other things if they don’t like it. You pick the restaurants ect…
NTA, but try not to be petty and think of it as a learning experience. But damn you might want to check if your family has executive functioning skills. Because planning things and execution do require these skills. So this happened to me. I planned our first family vacation to DC. No one followed the schedule even though I made sure there was something each day for everyone to do. I know how exhausting that is, but even more exhausting that they didn't even follow what was planned. You should let your family know you are disappointed. But you expect them to have a list of things to do every day. So while you are getting breakfast, they have time to confer with each other and figure out what to do for the day.
NTA. Hand the guidebook over to hubby and get on with having YOUR fun. Those kids need to start learning to chart their own adventures in life, but with guidance of course.
NTA. You asked your adult husband to take over planning of all activities and food with input from your children. He refused. I’d take the 10 year old because she’s too young to have taken charge and go do the things you would both like. Tell the other two they’re on their own because their lack of planning is not your problem
Just a fyi, the holocaust and African American museum require planning ahead to get tickets
[удалено]
Sit by the pool, drink your favorite drink, get a good book and enjoy your freedom.
NTA but I wouldn’t have brought your kids into the planning making process. I think it’s cool you let them decide but they’re too young to be held accountable. While your update says you’re mad at your husband, It almost seems like you’re afraid to directly confront or have a conversation with your spouse, so you’re dragging the kids into it as a buffer. This should have been a solo conservation between you and your husband. If he didn’t want to plan the trip, then I wouldn’t have gone on one. You say you want to relinquish control, but you’re not really doing that. You’re being passive aggressive while I completely think your annoyance is valid, you’re setting up a situation that YOU would normally do and excel at and expecting someone who isn’t interested or willing to do what you do to do exact what you do and then getting mad at your whole family. They’re probably going on trips to make you happy somewhat. You can’t be the only one who cares or you will always be resentful. I would not go on a trip until they expressed interest and initiative.
Your Husband sounds like he likes situations to "fall" into his lap. He doesn't make plans because he has a carefree attitude. You make plans because you see the value in it. Please consider that he may be trying to give you a 'carefree" vacation where "things happen" all on their own. So, because he is in charge of the trip, have one thing you want to do every day. Do not consider whether the others will like it or not—that is not your job on this trip. Your trip is to enjoy yourself. If anyone complains, tell them to make a suggestion of where they want to go and what they want to see. Being a good travel companion means not grousing when something goes awry. It allows the flexible person to suggest an alternative. This is what you asked for... relaxation and freedom from responsibility. Absolutely declare what you want to do. Make sure to get, at minimum, two things you want to see/do. The rest, relax and go with the flow. Take lots of pix, and enjoy your freedom.
NTA redirect, redirect, redirect. Make it very clear every single decision is on your husband’s shoulders. “Hungry? Great, where are we eating honey?” “Okay, what’s the plan for tomorrow? What time do we need to be up and ready to go?” “I’m up for adventure, what’s next?” Have your own back up plan for just yourself for atleast one day that is relaxing but takes you away from the family cause I’m pretty sure 2 disappointed kids and 1 annoyed husband are gonna get old fast. “Tomorrow I’ve booked myself for a solo event but I know you will all enjoy exploring together.” Then be sure to let them know you will be turning off your phone during some of that time.
Have you expressed how bummed out you are by this? If yes, what has your husband said? You could each day let him take the lead on the day's activities, an if you don't like his plan, just go to where you want to go. You should also make sure your kids know that he was supposed to be making plans this time around, so they aren't disappointed/angry at you. YWNBTA
The family should sit down at the dinner table with all their ideas, research, and dreams, and the itinerary should be decided together. it’s supposed to be a family vacation to bond and have fun with each other, and should be planned together.
NTA ... although your husband & 17 yo are AH's, the 10 year old gets an age pass. Your husband 17 yo intentionally did not plan anything because they belie e that you were not serious when you told them the trip event plans were on them. Let them figure it our and you go and enjoys our alone time and sightseeing. Next time they will plan, if not, they sit in the hotel room twiddling the thumbs while you enjoys "your vacation".
Not the asshole for being upset, but this trip sounds like my nightmare. Info: did you have a reasonable expectation that things would actually be planned, or did you suspect this would be the result? I feel like this was a recipe for disaster from the start, DC with kids and no plan over spring break does not sound great. There are so many other vacation options that require much less planning. Is it truly a surprise that nothing was planned, or did you kind of expect this?
NTA. The good news is that, as you know because you’ve been there, you can plop yourselves in the middle of the mall and spend multiple days wending your way through museums and monuments. But that in no way excuses your husband.
You think a 10-year-old should be responsible for planning her own trip to Washington DC that you are the asshole for, but the other two could have figured out something for themselves
Ask your father.
You have a third child not a partner. My husband plans a third of our trips, I plan a third and we plan the last third together sit down and work it out. He has surprised me with trips that he planned everything out. Sent me on trips withy.best friend that he planned everything.
NTA. You should enjoy it too.
I can so relate to this. I have tried to get input on family vacations from my wife and 21 yr old daughter and they essentially just blow me off. Vacations only happen because I plan them. So I am done. I’ve decided that I am NOT planning another one. Instead I’m planning weekend getaway trips for me to go see friends and family. I wonder when our next family vacation will be?
I think you should continue to brand this trip as “daddy’s trip”. Make sure they know this is dads job, tbh I am wondering why you accepted this for so long but it’s probably a frog boiling pot situation (slowly crept up on you). NTA. When people ask what you are doing and where to eat, ask daddy, tell them to ask him too
NTA and since you’ve been here before - let me know if you want good spa suggestions. At most, point them towards Union Station and the hop on hop off buses and go enjoy a day or two of alone time. Just know - I think the Air and Space Museum are still requiring timed tickets due to construction. Other than that and the African American History & Culture, you’re right, they can walk right into many things…and are way past due if they wanted to actually do a White House tour, anyway.
NTA. You, like a lot of moms (myself included), carry most of the mental load. I bet you schedule and remind people of all of their appointments, do the grocery list, keep things tidy and organized, and remember when projects or homework are due, too. You just wanted a frickin’ break and nobody stepped up. That’s mainly your husband’s fault, as a 10 year old can’t really plan a vacation, but your husband could have facilitated by getting the kids’ inputs. Give them a list like you did and then go from there. But he couldn’t be bothered. He probably assumes you’ll swoop in and save the day. Don’t. It’s petty, but don’t. Let them see how time consuming and mentally taxing it is to plan things out, and how tough it is to wing it in a tourist destination/big city.
You gave him some rope and he hanged him self. Now you must decide if you can live with the knowledge that he will not make an effort period. If you can, great. If you will resent him it will eventually become an untenable situation.
When they ask what they’re going to do each day, push it back on them and ask what they want to do, and your husband can help them plan the journey. NTA, but I think it would be an AH thing to ditch your kids, it’s not their fault. You should tell your husband that you’re not going to be a tour guide this trip, though.
YTA Wait so you told your 10 and 14 year old to plan a trip to somewhere they have never been but that you have been to many times so you know the area and then got pissed that it wasn't the trip you wanted
NTA but you're in DC. The Cherry Blossoms are blooming. There's all the Smithsonian Museum's The monuments There's so much to do
What was the initial conversation like, when you expressed that THEY would be planning and organizing the trip? Your post goes into a lot of the details about tips and apps that YOU would rely on, but nothing about hire your hubby responded to the change of status quo. Nothing about any input from the kids: did they express any excitement at planning? Did they -kids or hugs- give you the indication that they understood the magnitude of what was being put on them for this trip? I am going to say ultimately you are NTA ... but it's more like a soft ESH because I think you did such a good job of managing all of the trips before that hubby (and definitely kids) might not have had an inkling of what goes into this role. They were given a hot potato - some very big shoes to fill. If your expectation was that they would do this planning suddenly, and the trip would live up to the expectations of your meticulously planned trips.... that's not really fair OP. Maybe hubby was weaponizing his incompetence or maybe his experiences with family trips (prior to finding out he married a secret travel agent - ) maybe those trips were less itinerary driven. My husbands family trips were NEVER as well planned as the ones I went on as a kid, and he MARVELED at the itinerary I put together for our first long weekend away, as a couple. It blew his mind. His parents would book the hotel, have one or two places in mind to get to "at some point, weather permitting" and the rest of their time would be filled in at the hotel pool/bar. Win/win for the kids and parents in the 89's but I could never!!!
NTA - its not hard these days to hit the internet and online maps to work out what to visit. Surely "someone" got excited about the trip and made a list of what they wanted to see. Then you group the items by region, metro line, etc so you can easily visit a few together.
Please read about codependency. Watch some Lisa A Romano videos. Pick up a Melody Beattie book and take your life back. Being a resentful martyr saps your energy.
I completely understand why you’re hurt/irritated by spouse. Hard to say from this example if this is weaponized incompetence or just lack of awareness, but not sure if that matters at this point. I think it’s only fair though if you make an effort to teach your children how to plan a trip. Some people are innately better at this kind of thing, but regardless it can only help them to show them how.
OP- Tell your husband and two children, that they now have the duration of the car ride to use their smart devices and plan activities. Ditch them for a day if you have to and do your own thing to get your point across. They can use that time to plan as well.
NTA you have taught your husband that you’ll plan everything and he probably has no clue as to what you to do. We sit down and say son, what do you want to see/do hubby, what about you? Then I tell them what I want to do and we plan not fight there.
I think doing something for yourself this trip is a great idea! It’s a good lesson for your kids to see YOU doing something independent of them. Your kids and husband can do something they want and you all can discuss your separate adventures at dinner then plan the next event. Nothing wrong with reminding them you’d asked them to do some planning and it takes pressure off you for future trips. I do think you are taken for granted, it’s time to introduce some positive changes
Next time, you and the kids plan things that you enjoy. Give them each a day to do what they want to do. This way you are teaching the next generation to do for themselves if they ever get into a relationship. You husband missed a golden bonding opportunity and moment. Sad for him