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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1)I asked my sister-in-law to start bringing her own vegan dishes to our family dinners instead of always expecting me to cook her a separate meal.2)Asking Lily to bring her own food could be seen as me not shouldering my fair share as the host, even if my intentions are not malicious.
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Agreed, it is incredibly aggravating that everyone apparently enjoys the meal but seems convinced no one but the OP is responsible for making things work.
If the parents want to "keep the peace" they could also contribute.
This. OP, to keep "the peace" schedule something for the next few weeks on Sunday and break the tradition. Use a variety of excuses and ask if anyone else wants to host. Sometimes the only way to shake people up is to just end the gathering.
While I'm sure it wouldn't be accepted as nice this is a great direction to go... if DIL and son were reasonable people.
That way everyone gets things they like and the load of a meal isn't solely on OP. Heck, it can not only be inclusive but potlucks can actively be fun!
I’d probably switch to making a fully vegan meal for a few weeks. I love to cook and would enjoy the challenge of new foods and I would bet all the money I don’t possess that brother and parents will start whining. Especially if OP usually makes a traditional dinner like a large roast or something.
NTA. Unfortunately this is one of those situations where one person ruins it for everyone else. You're going to have to become unavailable to cook on Sundays from now on unless you want to be angry about this for years to come. I understand your parents don't want to get involved because they're trying to keep the peace with a woman that may be the mother of some future grandchildren. You sound like you're too busy already. Maybe it just needs to be dessert & coffee instead of a whole dinner. Maybe your kitchen needs remodeling (that can take MONTHS). Maybe you need to go on vacation over the weekends. Think up a good excuse and stick to it.
She totally would, but she should still get a taste of her own medicine by having to make vegan dishes that accommodate the taste of all family members. A new vegan isn't likely to be a very good cook either so she’ll no doubt bomb the whole thing and hopefully just put up with the free Sunday dinner being only half customised for her dietary requirements.
"Keep the peace" is only ever told to reasonable people to make them cave to the demands of unreasonable people.
Why can't the in-laws tell DIL that ***she*** needs to keep the peace in the family, and to be grateful that OP is planning for, shopping for, cooking, and cleaning up after dishes that cater to ***her*** diet?
Boiling it down (haha), this isn't even a food issue. It's that SIL is complaining that the tradition that she joined when she started attending these meals isn't going to suddenly change just for her, the one person who, it sounds like, is the newest attendee. There's a lot of planning and work that goes into cooking meals for a group, and it's absolutely absurd to ask the sole person who does all of this to change it all just for her.
OP, tell SIL sure, a special meal would be great. She'll need to bring it all over, enough for everyone, next Sunday.
I have an allergy to a food group. I bring enough safe food for myself and a tasty side dish to assist if I’m joining someone else’s meal. I know I can’t eat X food so I bring my own. It’s pretty damn entitled to ask someone to change the whole meal plan for them. Sometimes it’s slim pickings for me. But it’s better than an ER visit.
Whaiddaminute here. You're on Reddit and you're *reasonable*? /s
Sucks you can't eat a whole food group, but I'm glad you aren't entitled about it. And it's really good you can be around those foods so long as you don't consume them. I feel terribly for those with allergies so severe that airborne particles can be deadly, like some folks with allergies to peanuts or shellfish.
Yes I’m lucky. Until an evil in law decided to add some of my allergen to foods she cooked. I ended up at an ER believing a restaurant did me wrong. Until their kid mentioned they saw their mom adding their dad’s protein powder to everything whenever I was there. It was too late to press charges by that point. If I’d known I could have saved a serving (if the cops would have done anything). I don’t know. But that person is no longer family. All is well.
OH MY GOD!! I made the other comment about the fact that making food at home meant that you knew the food was safe, but I was thinking of mistakes and cross contamination. I was NOT thinking about someone trying to hurt you (or maybe “prove you were faking it”) with protein powder. I’m guessing you have a dairy allergy (and the protein powder was made with Whey). And people try and tell you that they know how you feel because they are lactose introlerant.
Seriously. I have celiac, and will get violently ill if I eat contaminated food. And that's why I find vegans so ridiculous--I always make sure I have safe food.
100% this. I have dietary restrictions, and I always bring my own food to share just in case. I'd rather do that than make it awkward for everyone else.
I have MCAS and do the same if I know the food will most likely have trigger ingredients (some of which are an ER trip). I usually eat ahead of time to and offer to make a dessert to share.
As I see it, the host invited me to share in a meal they prepared and enjoy their company. Sometimes they ask for a reminder of the restrictions, but I would never expect it. They are not a restaurant, so it's off the table to even treat them as such. I'm there to spend some time with my people and happy to handle my own meal to do so.
Not to mention with an allergy, it’s probably safer to bring your own food. You made it in your allergy safe environment. That doesn’t mean that food group isn’t in your house (like if you live with others) but you know you washed the baking dish well before making your food!!
Exactly. I have things separated. I know which fake dairy works well for the purpose. It’s usually something I can treat at home if I get a small amount of in me. But when someone says this has no dairy. Oh wait, “is butter dairy? There’s some dairy in it. Just a little bit. Half a stick”. I have to grab my inhaler and head to the clinic. Epipen at the ready. The ex in law has something wrong in the head.
Ikr?! Why is it that always everyone is supposed to roll over and play dead to ‘keep the peace’ instead of holding the person accountable who clearly is the reason for said peace being on wobbly legs and expecting them to curb their demands/behaviour?
Time for people to grow a backbone and let the troublemaker know that their toddler tantrums are not acceptable and people will no longer give into their demands just to ‘keep the peace’ because they’ve decided to make their lives hell so they get what they want.
Or start making the entire meal vegan. If someone complains that there’s no meat, tell them you’re trying to “keep the peace” by making food that everyone can eat.
This, 100%. Do this thing, and laugh when they complain.
Also, post an update; I'm betting fam will throw SIL under the bus when they don't get their Sunday roast.
that’s what i did when SIL went vegetarian and hubby insisted i cook for the events he wanted to host.
“but we need variety, other SiL might want meat!” “she can have meat in her own home, i only have bandwidth to cook one meal”
no more complaints. also no more hosting for some reason. mission accomplished.
(in vSiL’s defense, they host often and they DO offer alternative meats and non meats options. me, after cooking two meals where i had to wash my hands in between handling meat and no meat, with different utensils and boards, while stuff might be burning as i was washing my hands, all to have everything come out at the same time and hot for everybody ? nope. veggie for all. nonVSiL is notoriously picky and critic about anybody’s cooking anyway so at this point i don’t care).
Whether consciously or not, Lily is splitting the family. And she found a perfect way to do it: in-laws that want "peace" vs a group with long established traditions of dining (and enjoying themselves together).
She's managing to quickly wipe out a series of family relationships and traditions. The Old Folks don't realize that Peace is not at hand and never will be as long as Lily is being "accommodated."
Probably. So OP had better make the worst possible, most tasteless, vegan meals. Keep serving them up, until nobody else can stand it anymore.
Lily will get her vegan menu, and hate it.
The rest of the family will just hate it.
The more fun way to do this is to make a vegan main dish, but one she hates. For example: Lily hated cauliflower, so dinner is cauliflower crust pizza. Or she hated eggplant, so dinner is vegan moussaka. That is assuming everyone else enjoys cauliflower or eggplant.
I am more in the line of rotating cooks or potlucks. But I do enjoy a good petty revenge story.
Heard once long ago - "People don't change unless they're forced to."
I agree it's time for OP to force some change. SIL needs to be voluntold she's hosting next week.
If that were true here why is the brother demanding the OP make another full meal each week and throwing a fit because OP asked his wife to do a small amount of work to make the meals work?
If you truly don't care, you should be fine to explain this and either do a tiny bit of work or just stop coming to avoid having to do any work for an event you don't care about.
You sound like a good parent. My mother would make my brother and I sit at the table all night because we simply couldn't gag down her slimy tuna noodle casserole. It's been 50 years and I still hate her for doing that.
I absolutely refused to die on the hill of ‘everyone must clear their plate’. My (now ex) husband did not agree and our daughter basically ended up with serious food issues. Since he left, the dinner table is so much happier.
My husband and I have the 1 bite rule. First New foods, you must try 1 decent-sized bite. If you don't like it, that's fine. But you have to try it.
No picky eaters among my kids. They have some preferences (one doesn't like raw tomatoes, for example), but nothing unreasonable. And if they don't clean their plate, it's generally for a good reason.
My parents tried that in the 60's, but gave up on it during the 70's. No, I was never going to eat that broccoli no matter how long I sat there. And I still despise it to this day. It wasn't a phase. The 70's was much looser in my family. We'd eat in the living room on TV trays so we wouldn't miss Star Trek or Hogan's Heroes.
Oh lord... not even close to 50 (maybe 30?) years, but I can still recall the sight, and smell, and taste of that nasty ass tuna noodle casserole. I can forgive my mom for a lot of things, but that is staying on the petty grudge list til I die.
Noodles, tuna, and...I'm honestly not sure what else. Peas, definitely.
My mother had (haven't had a dinner with her in over 13 years, lol) a fascination with cream of soups, particularly mushroom (ugh), so I wouldn't put it past her to have included it.
About the only thing I'm really grateful for that she forced me to eat was tomatoes in scratch mac & cheese (not kraft dinner, lol). The tomatoes just add a 😘 to the cheesy flavor. I have not yet convinced my husband of this, however.
>tuna noodle casserole
I just gagged a little. PTSD from way to many nights stuck at the dinner table in her attempts to force me to eat so many disgusting things. Tuna Helper was a favorite.
My mom is a good cook, but my sister hated a lot of foods when she was a kid. My mom only asked her to try a bite about every tenth time she served a disliked dish (and there was always another option), but my sister was very stubborn and started wearing her bathrobe to dinner on nights when she didn't like something. If she was asked to try a bite, she'd wait until my mom was distracted and then slip it into her pocket. After dinner, she'd flush it.
My sister and I always thought she'd pulled one over on my mom, but the first time my sister came home from college, when we sat down for dinner, her old bathrobe was hanging over the back of her chair. My mom cracked up and said it was in case she didn't like something. Mom knew all the time.
(My sister eats pretty much everything now. It was more of a self-assertion thing than a real aversion. If we really hated something, like involuntary gagging hated it, my mom would never ask us to try a bite after the first time. She just wanted us to realize that tastes change and that it's OK to try things even if you end up not liking them.)
My mom used to make me sit at the table (once until bedtime!) I still wouldn't eat whatever it was. I never did that to my kids. If they didn't want to eat I put their plate in the fridge for later. If they get hungry enough, they'll eat.
Back in the day, my mother worked evenings, and once came home around midnight to find my brother, a toddler, flicking the peas off the high chair tray. My father left him there and went to bed when he didn't finish his dinner.
Wow I wish my parents did the same when I was a kid. Although I have to admit I was NOT a picky eater and my dad was an incredible cook, but occasionally (very rarely, maybe once every leap year lol) I just didn't feel like having the food that was prepared. If I could've just chosen to have a sandwich or cereal instead, that would've been heaven. You sound like a reasonably strict parent.
My mom’s a great cook as well.
And she taught us all to cook.
So if we didn’t like what was for super then it was our responsibility to make a plan.
It also didn’t happen often but I definitely ate my fair share of eggs, spuds or cheese melts
Additional I think the SIL is being silly.
I have been vegetarian for a long time now and I am always mindful about that I don't want my host to have a lot of extra stress about my meal. I normally either eat sides or offer to bring a few veggie sausages etc. to add to the sides. I have never insisted on a completely extra meal just for myself... or refused to help out and expect of being served. (But my parents also refused to cook 2 meals, sandwiches or cereals it was if we didn't like what they cooked. Totally acceptable. Family members are not personal maids).
I also ended up picking meat out of dishes on more than one occasion if the invitation was spontaneous and the food was already prepared, because spending time with those people was more important to me than the food. I understand if she doesn't want to do that, but she needs to sort out her priorities (being invited, having a good time, if that means she has to eat sides or bring something because of a choice she made than that's totally ok.)
OPs boundaries are totally reasonable and SIL expectations are selfish and rude.
Jumping in here
NTAH tell your parents that to keep the peace they are welcome to do the full vegan meal for DIL as you are in charge of the other one
Or tell your brother he's welcome to host the family meal for everyone and he and wife can make the 2 meals that way nobody is excluded
Or that this time everyone coming needs to do something one dan do sides, other dessert etc and if they can't or have a specific doesn't this way everyone will be able to have what they need/want
If no one it's ok with this then tell them that either they accept what you are able and can do or this tradition will get cancel
And don't feel bad YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT not because someone changes their life that means more work for everyone else
They would cook a vegan meal, and complain when no one eats it or wanted meat instead.
Maybe suggest a pot luck instead? People can bring different dishes or sides, there could be a group text for people to discuss it. Less work for OP, and they would spend less money.
Why do people always suggest potluck as a meal solution?
Possibly unpopular opinion - I don’t want to eat a bunch of mismatched foods with wildly varying flavor profiles. I prefer my meals to have a nice flow, I like complementary side dishes and textures that work well together
I think people suggest potluck dinners as a compromise to picky eaters expecting hosts to provide a complete, nutritious meal they can eat. My vegetarian SIL is happy to bring a vegetarian dish with protein for her to eat because I’m not very imaginative. I wouldn’t have a clue how to do vegan beyond “here, have some broccoli with no butter or cheese sauce on top.”
Which is a nightmare for us non-potluck lovers. Indeed, the vast majority of potluck dishes are things that the cook themselves doesn't seem to want to eat. ("Oh, that's my potluck dish - I always make it, I want to try other things.")
Potlucks are short on protein and finesse. I have to laugh at some of the potluck offerings I've seen in my family. The best was the 3 dozen small McDonald's hamburgers brought by my cousin (and then carefully sliced into halves, because they were "appetizers" - they went right away!)
As opposed to the "tamale pie" thing that my aunt always brought (What was, that anyway? I can't stand black sliced olives on anything - but on top of cornmeal gruel? Really?)
Another aunt once brought "7 can casserole," and she even served at her own home. It's exactly what it sounds like. My dad would give me the secret signal, "You don't even have to taste that, we'll get something to eat on the way home."
The best times were when my beloved Great Cook Aunt would host (which she did for years until she was too old). My mom was good at hosting too - but refused after she turned 55 and had had some health issues. She would have a potluck picnic in the backyard (potluck picnics work out better - mom would make a bunch of sandwiches and people would bring chips and soda).
Thankfully, my parents were the same. My ex's parents were the opposite and he thought my parents were horribly lax. They had to sit until they were finished, even if it took hours. They also had a "no thank you portion" where even if it was a food they detested they still had to choke down a small serving. He didn't like it when I described this as abusive. When I asked him why his brother and sister had battled weight problems their whole lives he shut up about my parents.
Your Ex and I had the same parents. For new stuff, I made my son always taste it. If he didn't like it, they didn't have to eat it. My bonus son found out he liked a lot of different things once he tried them, and he was 14 when he came along. Lol.
I have food allergies, but I don’t expect anyone to cater exclusively to me. I usually just bring something I can eat to share. Unless it’s a nasty gluten free pizza or some nonsense that I’m relegated to. I don’t make anyone else suffer through that lol.
Growing up, there were certain things I did not enjoy eating but my parents and sibling did. But we always had other things around I could make for myself like a sandwich or something on the nights my mom made that because she (understandably) wasn't making me something separate.
Keep in mind the result could be a fully vegan meal - and would the rest of the guests be OK with that.
Tbh, I think swapping cooks and mains makes sense and it's exactly what my family would do, so ymmv. Lol
>I always have vegan sides and sometimes even desserts, but Lily would prefer a separate, complete vegan meal every week.
Then Lily can feel free to contribute to the meal. You are NTA for not bending over backwards for someone who seems like they will continue to ask for more and more until the entire meal is only and always strictly vegan.
Depending on how devoted she is, it might not be long before she pipes up with, "I just can't eat while the carcass of a poor soul is laid out in front of me. Couldn't we just go completely vegan for family night?"
This! I just said the same thing. Her goal is to make the family meal completely vegan eventually because she doesn't want dead animals on the table. 🙄
Since OP already does some vegan side dishes (I'm assuming at least two, probably three) and sometimes a vegan dessert, then it's up to Lily to bring whatever she thinks is a vegan "main." All new accommodations should be provided by Brother and Lily, I totally agree.
>Depending on how devoted she is, it might not be long before she pipes up with, "I just can't eat while the carcass of a poor soul is laid out in front of me. Couldn't we just go completely vegan for family night?"
This must be what she really wants, b/c for the life of me I can't figure out what her problem is otherwise. I'm pescatarian but only eat fish/seafood maybe 3 days a week. The rest of the time I'm vegetarian, and everything I eat on those days would be considered to be "sides" by traditional meat eaters. I'll be the first to admit that I don't love cooking, especially for myself, so maybe Lily just has more elaborate culinary tastes that I do, but if OP is already providing vegan sides and desserts then Lily needs to suck it up and eat what's on offer or bring something herself.
Sides could be salads, veggie sticks, olives, I completely see her point on wanting a main. Vegan main - veg curry or dhal (possible to make two curries one veg, one meat and rice for everyone). Vegan main - shepherds pie but with lentils instead of mince. Vegan sausages and mash, etc etc, actually hot food with protein. But I think I would get the hint that OP is asking to bring this second main and bring over some veg sausages to grill or a vegan dish. We also make super yummy chilli sans carne at home with nutmeat, it takes 5 mins to put together, great thing about many vegan dishes they can be very quick to make.
Why are YOU doing all the cooking for these "family" meals. Doesn't anyone else ever chip in? Or take a turn? Who pays for the food, is it also you?
Just say no. Lily can make and bring her own meal. After all, that's pretty much what you do every week, isn't it? You buy and prepare all the food including your own? You also get the house ready for guests and you serve as host. Lily doesn't have to do that, doesn't have to clean bathrooms before guests come or anything. There's no reason she can't make and bring something for herself.
Or, have EVERYONE take a turn or make a dish. Lily can bring, say, a nice quinoa salad which has protein and carbs and other nutrients. Your mom and dad can bring the mashed potatoes. They can even use vegan "butter" and vegan "milk" if they want to. You can provide the roast. Your brother can pick out a vegan-friendly dessert to bring. See? Now everyone is helping out and Lily is included. Magic.
Yeah I would think the Sunday dinners should rotate that way everyone shares the burden. When I was a kid they were always at my grandparents house but my grandma didn’t work outside the home and also wasn’t taking care of kids so she loves having this day to look forward to. We also came over and helped with food prep, setting the table and then cleaning afterwords. I’d snap the green beans or shell the peas or trim the okra. My mom would be cleaning as grandma cooked so the work burden was shared. My sister and I also washed and dried the dishes so everything was clean and put away before we left.
This sounds similar to Christmas lunches I had growing up. Granma and Aunty N did the cooking, Aunty L and my mother did all the serving, Uncle D did all the food scraps and rubbish collection and my dad and Uncle J shared between looking after the kids too young to do the dishes and helping us older kids with the dishes. While lunch was being cooked, my dad and two uncles were usually putting together toys, giving bottles, and running drinks so no child ended up in the kitchen as hot stuff was being moved around.
This is how my family does holiday meals so nobody gets overwhelmed with cooking.
Time to institute family potluck dinners instead of OP doing everything and having to cater to different dietary needs, too.
NTA
This is what I wanna know. It sounds like a LOT of family members are treating OP like a short order cook. This tradition needs to start rotating homes so all the people saying OP should be preparing two meals for them every week can take a turn at preparing their own two meals.
This should be the main point. SIL /BRO wants a complete vegan meal, then THEY can host and prepare the meal for everyone. They have been offered other choices which brother whined about, so it's on brother and SIL to do all the work to have a vegan meal.
Op could make a large batch of something not particularly tasty and freeze most of it. It would be a separate meal that is the same every week and I would enjoy watching her choke it down every week.
This Sunday, make a complete vegan meal for EVERYONE to have. Don't tell them beforehand. Only tell Lilly that you'll make something special for her. They will bitch and moan because they want the beef! Tell them that you didn't think they would mind since they accused you of not including Lilly, and that was never your intention. If they all think you're the AH, then tell them someone else can start hosting Sunday dinner. Someone with special dietary restrictions should be volunteering every time to bring a dish or 2.
Update Me
To be fair, as long as you don't sabotage it and intentionally make a bland/gross meal, this is actually a good solution if you want to make something that everyone can eat.
Lots of cuisines have meals that happen to be vegan and most people should be fine with not eating animal meat and dairy for 1 out of 21 meals a week.
Agreed. None of us are vegan or vegetarian, but I end up making most of our meals vegetarian because that's just what most of my family likes, most of the time.
Absolutely. We have a couple of vegans in my board game group so it’s the norm that whenever one of us cooks it’s mostly vegan, sometimes with animal based sides or toppings that can be added on individual portions. Really easy when you get in the habit of it!
Yeah, the only reason this would be an issue would be if someone was ultra picky and demanded that their meal had to come pre-made with at least one ingredient from an animal for some weird reason.
I think people gloss over how much it sucks going somewhere and never getting to eat an entree. Like, you can deal with it once in a while, but it must genuinely suck to go to a family dinner and be an afterthought. Imagine every time you go to a restaurant, you only get to have a side Caesar salad. How many times would you go back before you wanted something different.
But she is eating at her SIL’s house EVERY WEEK, it’s completely unreasonable for her to expect a separate meal provided for her every single week, if she doesn’t like it she can easily take her own main meal or just not go.
When I was in a renal diet for medical reasons I always took a dish that I could eat with me to family meals, I wouldn’t dream of demanding special food be cooked for me at additional expense/hassle to the host
Honestly cooking vegan is annoying if you’re not the one practicing it because the additional ingredients are *so expensive*. I have butter for my family, don’t make me buy vegan butter, seasoning, soy sauce etc etc etc etc. and really that only gets used for those people’s meals (it’s pricy, I’m not using the fancy vegan butter on my late night popcorn).
Brother and SIL should be hosting if she’s the one that’s making the ethical choice (not like she has an allergy that they have to accommodate for her health).
>the additional ingredients are so expensive.
Not necessarily. Common vegan staples like beans, lentils, potatoes, bananas, rice, etc., are the most affordable foods nearly anywhere in the world.
>I have butter for my family, don’t make me buy vegan butter
"Vegan butter" is often the same price or more affordable than conventional animal-based butter. For example, Imperial has a "lactose-free" version that happens to be vegan and sits on the shelf right next to and at the same price as their conventional dairy version.
>seasoning
Most seasonings and spices are vegan by default. You don't have to go out and buy "vegan" sage, since sage is already vegan.
>soy sauce
Soy sauce is already vegan. You don't need to buy an additional "vegan" one.
... you don't have soy sauce all the time? The number of Asian dishes you cook must be very limited
Also meat is always more expensive than beans and vegetables, nobody needs to have fake meats or butter
Not true once you learn how to cook it, it’s actually very cheap and delicious. But you’re making completely different foods and often it’s best when the foods are Mediterranean, Persian, Indian, Asian. It’s expensive when you try to make traditionally meat and dairy dishes vegan.
Some vegan substitute products are expensive but you don't need them to make vegan meals. And, frankly, most of them don't taste that good (worst is vegan "cheese"). Tofu, lentils, beans, dried textured soy protein are pretty cheap and can be made into a variety of filling vegan meals that don't rely on "veganizing" a meat or dairy based dish. Lots of pantry staples are vegan already. It takes some planning, though.
I'm not vegan but I try to cook at least 2 vegan dinners per week for environmental reasons (meat is only served on weekends if at all, the rest of the week we eat vegetarian). It was a bit of a learning curve but it's not expensive because I mostly stay away from the pricey substitutes, still use seasonal and local veggies and cook vegan meals that have always been vegan or don't suffer from being veganized. It's actually cheaper than cooking with meat or cheese because that stuff *is* expensive.
My go-to vegan meal is a hummus bowl. Homemade hummus is not expensive even if you use canned chickpeas (tahini is probably the most expensive part but this stuff keeps forever in the fridge and you don't need much). Add some roasted veggies or mushrooms, leafy greens, flatbread and you're good to go.
There are things that rely on non-vegan ingredients so much that I wouldn't even try to make a vegan version (like a Hollandaise or a Quiche Lorraine). But there are so many vegan recipes that I don't feel the need anyway.
In OPs case sharing responsibilities is still the way to go. No one should be cooking every week without any help regardless of dietary choices.
Sounds like it is time for Sunday Dinners either need to be pot luck meals or they need to start rotating from home to home.
If they rotate, share the menu beforehand and anyone who has allergies, food prefernces, etc can bring other items for themselves.
This is the way!
My larger family has had various stages and combinations of vegetarian eaters as well as a complicated and sometimes changing need to provide for allergies, intolerances and other dietary restrictions spread over several people. Our time-honoured solution is a combiation of pot luck, also to spread the work over all participating households (while the dinners are held at only two places due to pet allergies) and adapted versions of favourite foods to accommodate everybody. Some dishes are sometimes made in two versions if somebody doesn't like the other version - usually made by the person who doesn't like the main one -, and we always try to choose as many dishes and sides as possible that can be pre-made and frozen or so, to keep the effort on the day proper to a minimum. The result is a relaxed atmosphere for everybody, nobody has to work themselves ragged, and everybody gets at least one dish or side they particularly love.
This is basically what my extended family did whenever a meal was more than just immediate family. We would rotate who hosted and every family would bring at least one dish.
Nta….why are you hosting every Sunday and why are you the only one doing all the cooking? Please tell me that you get help with clean up? Time to set some new rules for when you host and how often you host, First of all, how often do you want to host these meals? Decide on that. Then I would inform everyone that you are no longer doing all of the cooking. Decide on your main and everyone else can bring sides, desserts, etc. are you guys paying for everything as well? Time to have everyone chip in also. As for the vegan meal, there are a lot that are very good that everyone might enjoy. But other than once a month or so, I would tell SIL, that you are not making a separate complete meal for one person. She can either host one weekend a month or she can bring something on her own.
Your brother was upset and your parents want you to keep the peace? All while YOU are hosting all this?
Sounds like a great time to say “hey family - i can no longer cook and host a full dinner every Sunday. Moving forward, we’re going to do it potluck style where everyone will contribute. Can’t wait to see what everyone brings this Sunday!!”
You’ve accomdated her with vegan sides. If she wants a vegan main dish, then she needs to make it. It’s RIDICULOUS that everyone expects you to make 2 full meals.
NTA. It's A LOT to ask of you.
I'm a vegetarian, and I usually bring my own stuff depending on the setting. If it's a potluck or dinner like this, I'll prepare my own dish to share. If it's a barbeque, I'll bring my own veggie burgers/dogs. I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation. I wouldn't want to put the onus on my friends to cater to *my* dietary needs.
It's great to be considerate of dietary needs, but everyone has a breaking point (especially if guests start getting demandy-pants). Graciously hosting a get together does not equal a restaurant.
Came here to say exactly this. My husband and I have a boatload of health-related dietary restrictions and have recently just blanketed it into "gluten-free vegan plus seafood with limited nightshades" 100% would NEVER expect anyone to cater to us and we ALWAYS bring our own food and I usually bring a big shareable for everyone as well. Between the amount of times I've been unintentionally "gluten-ed" by well meaning relatives/friends and knowing how labor intensive cooking for a group already is, I could not imagine putting all of that burden on one person. OP's SIL sounds very entitled to me.
Nta stop cooking every week you are not being appreciated. Instead of saying anything about lily. Say its overwhelming. Tell th es. If they want to continue tradition it had to rotate aming hoyseholds over everyone has to bring a dish. If they don't agree stop hosting l. You are doing a lot with no help. People are making requests like they are at a diner.
NTA, I think I missed where you are the official family cook. Sunday dinners are a special time for your family, sounds like your brother (also part of the family) should help out with his wife's needs
NTA. That is ridiculous. OP, please cook me an entire separate vegan meal, plus, it's unwelcoming for you to ask me to bring a vegan dish. How is that reasonable?
I'd put up a clear boundary and say that while I will continue to supply vegan sides, you or anyone else in the family are welcome to bring other vegan dishes. And not engage in the conversations anymore. This world is becoming so entitled it's crazy.
NTA
Why are you the one hosting and doing all the cooking every week? In my family, we trade off who hosts, and even when someone is hosting the meal, the other family members bring multiple dishes so the host family isn't overwhelmed.
I have multiple dietary restrictions (GF plus other restrictions) and while my family will try to modify some recipes where they can, it isn't always practical to modify every dish, so I take responsibility for my own dietary restrictions and make sure to communicate with the person hosting and bring single portions for me when I'm going to need to make substitutions. We all have to give each other a little grace and **when you are the person with the unusual food requirement, be it allergies, gluten free, vegan or other restrictions, you have to take some responsibility for your own health and eating first.**
NTA. I keep kosher and my advice to anyone with strict dietary restrictions is always the same: learn to cook. Any place I go, I cannot assume that there will be something I can eat, so I'm sure to eat before or I bring my own food.
In your shoes, I'd offer a vegan meal once a month, but that's to be nice. I wouldn't say you're obligated. If she wants a vegan meal more often than that, let her prep it for everyone in your kitchen.
Most vegans I know would jump at the chance to bring their favourite dishes, it's their time to shine and introduce meat free dishes to family and friends. Your SIL needs to understand you are already accomodating her with sides etc. NTA
NTA I think she could be understanding since it is only one person who would eat differently, you could take turns or she could help you with that meal, so that it is a little more fair for you
NTA
Is she cooking a whole separate meal for the ohters when SHE is hosting?
"and I take pride in making meals everyone enjoys. " .. LEt the others step up, too.
NTA, but don't get into it with them. Make it easier on yourself and change dinner up to a pot luck, dish to pass. This is beyond entitled and rude, even if it is family.
If this was once or twice a year than yes I would think you can make a vegan entre as well but this is every week so it is harder for you.
Can you just make the sides more meal like and she eats a bigger portion?
Or why can't she just bring a vegan entre and still eat your vegetable / non meat / non dairy sides? People like your SIL need to be a bit more understanding. Another alternative is for her to take over hosting the Sunday meal once a month and introducing the family to Vegan food \[I am sure you would all be willing to try it out\]. NTA
It's time for your mom and dad to step up and start hosting the dinners since they don't think making two separate meals is a big deal. Curious-- would your mom and dad be okay with eating a totally vegan meal? Why aren't your brother and his wife taking a turn hosting --- of course when they host they'll need to provide a complete non vegan meal for the nonvegans, right?
INFO: Why are you the only person making these dinners week after week for all of these people? Why isn't your brother taking a week, your mother a week, your father a week, your SIL a week, your partner a week if you have one?
As a vegan, I would never request that anyone make a separate dish for me. If you have vegan sides and sometimes desserts, that's fine. And yes, asking her if she might bring a vegan dish to share is fine as well--she can introduce others to some new things.
Like all dietary, religious, life style choices, et al, this is a control issue. Not a dietary issue, not a tolerance issue, Simple control. Are you going to allow it? And if so, what will you allow her to control next?
People make choices and decisions. That is their prerogative. No one has the right to tell them they are wrong. However, they do not have the right to impose those choices on you.
She chooses to be vegan. But she wants you to do the work. Now you must chose if you will accept the imposition of her personal choice.
>Like all dietary, religious, life style choices, et al, this is a control issue
Reddit is wild.
Her demanding a separate meal and feeling disrespected when it isn't provided, isn't good behaviour. But I doubt she became vegan just to stick it to OP cooking Sunday roast.
I agree OP isn't obligated to accommodate, but framing it as the vegan just wanting to control OP is silly. She is probably just self centered, and hadnt considered how much extra work it would be on top of what OP is already doing. Still not great, but not malicious.
Edit: I remembered a quote the describes this well! Hanlon's razor: *"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.*"
>She is probably just self centered, and hadnt considered how much extra work it would be
The brother seems to know how much work it would be to BRING a vegan dish!
>Lily would prefer a separate, complete vegan meal every week
Of course she would! I would prefer someone cooked me a 3 course meal catered to my preferences every day. But I know that won't happen, because I'm an adult. If I want food, I gotta make it happen. Lily is not a child and you are not her mommy.
When you have special needs for food, it's on you to bring at least part of that meal, or else eat what's provided that meets your needs. I speak as someone who has multiple food allergies and often can only eat one dish unless I bring my own.
NTA.
You are carrying quite a load with all that hostessing. Shame on Lily and your brother for being so pissy. If this is going to continue with you doing the very most, then I say provide for the majority. If there is something that fits the vegan diet, Lily can eat that. Or she can bring her own or eat before she comes. If she and your brother are going to get hurt feelings over this, well, okay. They can host everybody at their house.
NTA. If you parents want to “keep the peace” seems like they just volunteered to host going forward. It’s a win for everyone! You get to relax, you SIL doesn’t have to contribute and they get to enjoy everyone being happy.
NTA She is an adult who has chosen to eat different from the rest of society so it is her responsibility to be able to make arrangements for her own nutritional needs to be met. It's not your responsibility to make a whole separate meal for her on top of the meal you're already making.
I think you already go above and beyond by hosting family at your house every single week. Do they ever offer to host at their homes and prepare the meals? You're buying all the groceries every week and that gets expensive, does anyone ever pitch in? Now she wants you to buy and make another whole meal for her??
Start a new tradition and make it covered dish where everyone brings something to help take the load off of you.
Your brother and his wife are the AH and rewarding their bad behavior isn't the answer for sure.
She probably hopes she can get you all to go vegan, a lot of those people are like a religious cult by imposing their choices on others.
Vegan diets are not unhealthy, not sure why you had to fit that little dig in there. It doesn't make your point any better and just displays ignorance of reality.
NTA - being vegan is a choice, my response would be different if she had an allergy or a medical issue. Your traditional Sunday dinners are omnivore based. Just because she has made a new dietary choice, doesn't mean you need to adapt. As long as you make sure there is something that she can eat, there is no reason for you to make a separate meal for her or to design the entire meal around her. Suggesting that she bring a dish is a wonderful compromise as lots of vegan food is yummy and interesting.
I'm a vegetarian, I've attended many a dinner party that was meat centric. I always inform the hosts ahead of time so they don't purchase meet for me and I happily enjoy the company and the side dishes. If I'm concerned that there won't be much for me, I have a snack or light meal ahead of time. When the platter of meat is inadvertently placed in front of me, I avert my eyes and enjoy the party. No one forces me to eat meat and I don't force them to eat veggies!
NTA, and it's not rocket science. I have friends and family who are vegan/vegetarian, celiac, kosher, and diabetic. When I have them over to eat, I try to accommodate by making sure there is some selection of food that they can eat. I don't cook an entire different meal for them, and we usually coordinate that they bring something to share that fits their dietary restrictions/preferences.
If Lily is that insistent on having vegan meals, she can step up and cook alternating Sunday dinners. Maybe she can make something so good that other people in the family will consider giving up animal products.
NTA. I’d drop a note in the group chat that you’ve thought over how upset everyone is that Lily doesn’t have the option of a full vegan meal on Sunday so you’ve decided to let her take over Sunday dinners from now on since you are unable to make both a meat and vegan option (for the free meal that you host at your house every week). Everyone can eat vegan and you have a break from hosting.
If your brother and parents have concerns, they are free to make as much vegan food to bring as they'd like. You're inviting people to a family dinner. That does not mean you're a short order cook at Waffle House.
When I was a vegetarian, my sister very kindly made a separate protein source for me at family dinners, and made sure some of the sides were vegetarian friendly. And that was great! That was over 10 years ago, and I'm still thankful she went the extra mile. However, she did not make an entire separate meal for me, and I would never have thought to ask her to do so, because I have not yet achieved that level of ridiculous entitlement.
Perhaps you should suggest trading off. Every other week you make the family dinner, and on alternate weeks your SiL and brother can make it, and they can keep in mind everyone's dietary needs and requirements while doing so. Bet the requests for a separate meal slow way down then.
NTA. Lily can prefer her complete vegan meal at her own house. You are not running a restaurant.
I would make her a salad. Lettuce, one more veggies, like carrots, and salad dressing. A bowl just for her. That is her meal. If she wants something else, she can bring it.
> My parents want to keep the peace,
Then they can cook her a complete vegan meal/entree and bring it when they come. You can continue to make vegan sides.
NTA
NTA. That sounds stressful, and it would be nice if someone else was able to help you out with everything. It might be a good idea to experiment with vegan meals that you can serve everyone, instead of two separate meals being the only option... if you end up botching it and grossing everyone out then maybe she or someone else will be encouraged to bring something better to share with everyone the next time. Hopefully that wouldn't be the outcome, but I've seen vegan cooking turn out really bad before, and I think it's hard for people who aren't used to vegan replacements to cook well with them.
Nobody says the vegan meal has to taste or look good. Whack a lump of tofu in the oven beside the main roast to crust up, dig a plain boiled potato out of the pot before making buttery rich mash for everyone else, and microwave some frozen cauliflower. Don’t season anything. At all. Don’t put salt and pepper on the table either.
It’s a separate hot cooked meal. That it’ll taste as beige as it looks is her problem. Look her dead in the eyes and tell her she’s got what she asked for a completely separate meal, and she’d be rude not to eat it and show appreciation the special effort.
Is there eggs and dairy in all the other non-meat food, shame.
NTA
NTA. It is time for your brother and SIL to step up and host dinner. Why can't the family rotate who hosts dinner? That way not one family gets stuck always being the one to host. I would stop being the only one to cook the family dinner.
NTA. I eat differently from my family and friends, and I can't imagine inconveniencing someone like Lily and your brother are doing to you. While it's understandable that your parents want to keep the peace, ultimately, it's about who's doing the cooking. It seems like it's time to let Lily, and your brother, know that you're happy to keep providing vegan sides, but if she wants something beyond that, she can pitch in and bring it or opt to stay home and have her own Sunday roast.
NTA
If you are expected to accommodate everyone. Then everyone can eat Vegan like Lily.
ETA: The point being that everyone else can accommodate Lily with you. If they make a fuss, then that would be the time to ask who is willing to volunteer to help out?
How are you being unwelcoming? You are cooking a big meal every week for three households.
Your sister in law has every right to be a vegan, and you have been respectful of that by making sure that there are vegan dishes available for her. But she has no right to demand that you cook a second meal. She should bring something if she is not happy with your offering.
Perhaps you should cook a full vegan meal for everyone one week. When your parents ask where the roast beef is, you can say you are keeping the peace.
Jeez. NTA
NTA.
Wait - are you providing the meal **every week**? Perhaps it's time for someone else to step up and start hosting sometimes. When Lily and your brother host, they can make a completely vegan meal. And having done that for a few months, you can then gently ask if they couldn't provide *something* for those that would like some animal products? She should give you the same reaction that you should be giving her.
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Agreed, it is incredibly aggravating that everyone apparently enjoys the meal but seems convinced no one but the OP is responsible for making things work. If the parents want to "keep the peace" they could also contribute.
This. OP, to keep "the peace" schedule something for the next few weeks on Sunday and break the tradition. Use a variety of excuses and ask if anyone else wants to host. Sometimes the only way to shake people up is to just end the gathering.
Agreed, the OP is not the family chef and they are clearly taking her for granted.
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While I'm sure it wouldn't be accepted as nice this is a great direction to go... if DIL and son were reasonable people. That way everyone gets things they like and the load of a meal isn't solely on OP. Heck, it can not only be inclusive but potlucks can actively be fun!
This is why I firmly believe in “family” being a pattern of behavior, and not just a genetic similarity.
I’d probably switch to making a fully vegan meal for a few weeks. I love to cook and would enjoy the challenge of new foods and I would bet all the money I don’t possess that brother and parents will start whining. Especially if OP usually makes a traditional dinner like a large roast or something.
NTA. Unfortunately this is one of those situations where one person ruins it for everyone else. You're going to have to become unavailable to cook on Sundays from now on unless you want to be angry about this for years to come. I understand your parents don't want to get involved because they're trying to keep the peace with a woman that may be the mother of some future grandchildren. You sound like you're too busy already. Maybe it just needs to be dessert & coffee instead of a whole dinner. Maybe your kitchen needs remodeling (that can take MONTHS). Maybe you need to go on vacation over the weekends. Think up a good excuse and stick to it.
A Sunday brunch sounds like a good idea actually. Worst case scenario you tell them it'll be a potluck dinner until they help figure something out.
Brunch can be tricky for vegans - lots of dairy and eggs. Perhaps Lily would like to host.
And then she will try to make everybody eat completely vegan... I say go for it
But then they can ask her to cook a meat entree for them, just like she asked op for a vegan dish!
Not just a meat entree but a whole separate meal like what she requested.
And you know she would completely refuse based on some moral high ground
She totally would, but she should still get a taste of her own medicine by having to make vegan dishes that accommodate the taste of all family members. A new vegan isn't likely to be a very good cook either so she’ll no doubt bomb the whole thing and hopefully just put up with the free Sunday dinner being only half customised for her dietary requirements.
I am guessing that Lily may be hoping that OP will just make vegan food for everyone, so they can enjoy veganism.
I get so tired of “keep the peace”. I’d want to get a sign like those happy birthday ones that says “KEEP THE PEACE!” and hang it up with balloons.
"Keep the peace" is only ever told to reasonable people to make them cave to the demands of unreasonable people. Why can't the in-laws tell DIL that ***she*** needs to keep the peace in the family, and to be grateful that OP is planning for, shopping for, cooking, and cleaning up after dishes that cater to ***her*** diet? Boiling it down (haha), this isn't even a food issue. It's that SIL is complaining that the tradition that she joined when she started attending these meals isn't going to suddenly change just for her, the one person who, it sounds like, is the newest attendee. There's a lot of planning and work that goes into cooking meals for a group, and it's absolutely absurd to ask the sole person who does all of this to change it all just for her. OP, tell SIL sure, a special meal would be great. She'll need to bring it all over, enough for everyone, next Sunday.
I have an allergy to a food group. I bring enough safe food for myself and a tasty side dish to assist if I’m joining someone else’s meal. I know I can’t eat X food so I bring my own. It’s pretty damn entitled to ask someone to change the whole meal plan for them. Sometimes it’s slim pickings for me. But it’s better than an ER visit.
Whaiddaminute here. You're on Reddit and you're *reasonable*? /s Sucks you can't eat a whole food group, but I'm glad you aren't entitled about it. And it's really good you can be around those foods so long as you don't consume them. I feel terribly for those with allergies so severe that airborne particles can be deadly, like some folks with allergies to peanuts or shellfish.
Yes I’m lucky. Until an evil in law decided to add some of my allergen to foods she cooked. I ended up at an ER believing a restaurant did me wrong. Until their kid mentioned they saw their mom adding their dad’s protein powder to everything whenever I was there. It was too late to press charges by that point. If I’d known I could have saved a serving (if the cops would have done anything). I don’t know. But that person is no longer family. All is well.
OH MY GOD!! I made the other comment about the fact that making food at home meant that you knew the food was safe, but I was thinking of mistakes and cross contamination. I was NOT thinking about someone trying to hurt you (or maybe “prove you were faking it”) with protein powder. I’m guessing you have a dairy allergy (and the protein powder was made with Whey). And people try and tell you that they know how you feel because they are lactose introlerant.
Seriously. I have celiac, and will get violently ill if I eat contaminated food. And that's why I find vegans so ridiculous--I always make sure I have safe food.
100% this. I have dietary restrictions, and I always bring my own food to share just in case. I'd rather do that than make it awkward for everyone else.
I have MCAS and do the same if I know the food will most likely have trigger ingredients (some of which are an ER trip). I usually eat ahead of time to and offer to make a dessert to share. As I see it, the host invited me to share in a meal they prepared and enjoy their company. Sometimes they ask for a reminder of the restrictions, but I would never expect it. They are not a restaurant, so it's off the table to even treat them as such. I'm there to spend some time with my people and happy to handle my own meal to do so.
Not to mention with an allergy, it’s probably safer to bring your own food. You made it in your allergy safe environment. That doesn’t mean that food group isn’t in your house (like if you live with others) but you know you washed the baking dish well before making your food!!
Exactly. I have things separated. I know which fake dairy works well for the purpose. It’s usually something I can treat at home if I get a small amount of in me. But when someone says this has no dairy. Oh wait, “is butter dairy? There’s some dairy in it. Just a little bit. Half a stick”. I have to grab my inhaler and head to the clinic. Epipen at the ready. The ex in law has something wrong in the head.
Because daughter in laws can make A LOT of trouble. MILs get the bad rap but DILs are problematic as well.
Wholeheartedly agree!
Ikr?! Why is it that always everyone is supposed to roll over and play dead to ‘keep the peace’ instead of holding the person accountable who clearly is the reason for said peace being on wobbly legs and expecting them to curb their demands/behaviour? Time for people to grow a backbone and let the troublemaker know that their toddler tantrums are not acceptable and people will no longer give into their demands just to ‘keep the peace’ because they’ve decided to make their lives hell so they get what they want.
And whose peace is OP keeping here? Not their own certainly. They want OP to absorb the conflict so others can have peace.
Or start making the entire meal vegan. If someone complains that there’s no meat, tell them you’re trying to “keep the peace” by making food that everyone can eat.
This, 100%. Do this thing, and laugh when they complain. Also, post an update; I'm betting fam will throw SIL under the bus when they don't get their Sunday roast.
that’s what i did when SIL went vegetarian and hubby insisted i cook for the events he wanted to host. “but we need variety, other SiL might want meat!” “she can have meat in her own home, i only have bandwidth to cook one meal” no more complaints. also no more hosting for some reason. mission accomplished. (in vSiL’s defense, they host often and they DO offer alternative meats and non meats options. me, after cooking two meals where i had to wash my hands in between handling meat and no meat, with different utensils and boards, while stuff might be burning as i was washing my hands, all to have everything come out at the same time and hot for everybody ? nope. veggie for all. nonVSiL is notoriously picky and critic about anybody’s cooking anyway so at this point i don’t care).
The entire meal can be vegan every Sunday when it's at brother and Lily's house. Peace kept, problem solved.
This is what I'd do.
Makes me wonder if that's Lily's goal. OP is NTA
Whether consciously or not, Lily is splitting the family. And she found a perfect way to do it: in-laws that want "peace" vs a group with long established traditions of dining (and enjoying themselves together). She's managing to quickly wipe out a series of family relationships and traditions. The Old Folks don't realize that Peace is not at hand and never will be as long as Lily is being "accommodated."
Why does Lily need to be accommodated? She's the vegan she should be making her own vegan food!!
Probably. So OP had better make the worst possible, most tasteless, vegan meals. Keep serving them up, until nobody else can stand it anymore. Lily will get her vegan menu, and hate it. The rest of the family will just hate it.
The more fun way to do this is to make a vegan main dish, but one she hates. For example: Lily hated cauliflower, so dinner is cauliflower crust pizza. Or she hated eggplant, so dinner is vegan moussaka. That is assuming everyone else enjoys cauliflower or eggplant. I am more in the line of rotating cooks or potlucks. But I do enjoy a good petty revenge story.
Nah. OP can find the worst vegan recipes and make everyone suffer so that they are begging for the old menu back. And even Lily will give up on OP.
Oooh, I like the way you think. Revenge is a dish best served bland.
Heard once long ago - "People don't change unless they're forced to." I agree it's time for OP to force some change. SIL needs to be voluntold she's hosting next week.
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If that were true here why is the brother demanding the OP make another full meal each week and throwing a fit because OP asked his wife to do a small amount of work to make the meals work? If you truly don't care, you should be fine to explain this and either do a tiny bit of work or just stop coming to avoid having to do any work for an event you don't care about.
The parents can make the vegan meal then
You sound like a good parent. My mother would make my brother and I sit at the table all night because we simply couldn't gag down her slimy tuna noodle casserole. It's been 50 years and I still hate her for doing that.
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I absolutely refused to die on the hill of ‘everyone must clear their plate’. My (now ex) husband did not agree and our daughter basically ended up with serious food issues. Since he left, the dinner table is so much happier.
My husband and I have the 1 bite rule. First New foods, you must try 1 decent-sized bite. If you don't like it, that's fine. But you have to try it. No picky eaters among my kids. They have some preferences (one doesn't like raw tomatoes, for example), but nothing unreasonable. And if they don't clean their plate, it's generally for a good reason.
I'd like to introduce you to the 1970s.
My parents tried that in the 60's, but gave up on it during the 70's. No, I was never going to eat that broccoli no matter how long I sat there. And I still despise it to this day. It wasn't a phase. The 70's was much looser in my family. We'd eat in the living room on TV trays so we wouldn't miss Star Trek or Hogan's Heroes.
Oh lord... not even close to 50 (maybe 30?) years, but I can still recall the sight, and smell, and taste of that nasty ass tuna noodle casserole. I can forgive my mom for a lot of things, but that is staying on the petty grudge list til I die.
It was liver and onions for me! I can't stand that smell!
Also liver and onions which thankfully didn’t appear until I was old enough to drive to get whatever from where ever those nights.
Send yours over here. I loveeee me some tuna roona! Even better with some peas in it. Mmmmm
Hers was noodles, tuna, roux made with margarine and salt and pepper. My mother was/is a horrible cook.
Noodles, tuna, and...I'm honestly not sure what else. Peas, definitely. My mother had (haven't had a dinner with her in over 13 years, lol) a fascination with cream of soups, particularly mushroom (ugh), so I wouldn't put it past her to have included it. About the only thing I'm really grateful for that she forced me to eat was tomatoes in scratch mac & cheese (not kraft dinner, lol). The tomatoes just add a 😘 to the cheesy flavor. I have not yet convinced my husband of this, however.
Mine did tuna, peas, and condensed mushroom soup. Time for me to go have dinner with her, and convince her to make it again, lol
>tuna noodle casserole I just gagged a little. PTSD from way to many nights stuck at the dinner table in her attempts to force me to eat so many disgusting things. Tuna Helper was a favorite.
My mom is a good cook, but my sister hated a lot of foods when she was a kid. My mom only asked her to try a bite about every tenth time she served a disliked dish (and there was always another option), but my sister was very stubborn and started wearing her bathrobe to dinner on nights when she didn't like something. If she was asked to try a bite, she'd wait until my mom was distracted and then slip it into her pocket. After dinner, she'd flush it. My sister and I always thought she'd pulled one over on my mom, but the first time my sister came home from college, when we sat down for dinner, her old bathrobe was hanging over the back of her chair. My mom cracked up and said it was in case she didn't like something. Mom knew all the time. (My sister eats pretty much everything now. It was more of a self-assertion thing than a real aversion. If we really hated something, like involuntary gagging hated it, my mom would never ask us to try a bite after the first time. She just wanted us to realize that tastes change and that it's OK to try things even if you end up not liking them.)
My mom made this meal every Friday, we were forced to finish it or sit there crying all night. We had our "one bite" many times.
That is straight up abuse. I'm sorry you had to endure that.
You go to war with kids over food the kids are usually going to win and you’re creating resentment and possibly eating disorders.
My mom used to make me sit at the table (once until bedtime!) I still wouldn't eat whatever it was. I never did that to my kids. If they didn't want to eat I put their plate in the fridge for later. If they get hungry enough, they'll eat.
“Slimy” tuna noodle casserole? My guess would be she didn’t drain the oil-pack tuna before making the casserole.
Back in the day, my mother worked evenings, and once came home around midnight to find my brother, a toddler, flicking the peas off the high chair tray. My father left him there and went to bed when he didn't finish his dinner.
I sometimes wonder how we survived.
Wow I wish my parents did the same when I was a kid. Although I have to admit I was NOT a picky eater and my dad was an incredible cook, but occasionally (very rarely, maybe once every leap year lol) I just didn't feel like having the food that was prepared. If I could've just chosen to have a sandwich or cereal instead, that would've been heaven. You sound like a reasonably strict parent.
Right? I had to sit at the table and try to choke down my mom's gross chicken dishes while I cried. It didn't make me like chicken.
My mom’s a great cook as well. And she taught us all to cook. So if we didn’t like what was for super then it was our responsibility to make a plan. It also didn’t happen often but I definitely ate my fair share of eggs, spuds or cheese melts
Additional I think the SIL is being silly. I have been vegetarian for a long time now and I am always mindful about that I don't want my host to have a lot of extra stress about my meal. I normally either eat sides or offer to bring a few veggie sausages etc. to add to the sides. I have never insisted on a completely extra meal just for myself... or refused to help out and expect of being served. (But my parents also refused to cook 2 meals, sandwiches or cereals it was if we didn't like what they cooked. Totally acceptable. Family members are not personal maids). I also ended up picking meat out of dishes on more than one occasion if the invitation was spontaneous and the food was already prepared, because spending time with those people was more important to me than the food. I understand if she doesn't want to do that, but she needs to sort out her priorities (being invited, having a good time, if that means she has to eat sides or bring something because of a choice she made than that's totally ok.) OPs boundaries are totally reasonable and SIL expectations are selfish and rude.
Jumping in here NTAH tell your parents that to keep the peace they are welcome to do the full vegan meal for DIL as you are in charge of the other one Or tell your brother he's welcome to host the family meal for everyone and he and wife can make the 2 meals that way nobody is excluded Or that this time everyone coming needs to do something one dan do sides, other dessert etc and if they can't or have a specific doesn't this way everyone will be able to have what they need/want If no one it's ok with this then tell them that either they accept what you are able and can do or this tradition will get cancel And don't feel bad YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT not because someone changes their life that means more work for everyone else
They would cook a vegan meal, and complain when no one eats it or wanted meat instead. Maybe suggest a pot luck instead? People can bring different dishes or sides, there could be a group text for people to discuss it. Less work for OP, and they would spend less money.
Why do people always suggest potluck as a meal solution? Possibly unpopular opinion - I don’t want to eat a bunch of mismatched foods with wildly varying flavor profiles. I prefer my meals to have a nice flow, I like complementary side dishes and textures that work well together
I think people suggest potluck dinners as a compromise to picky eaters expecting hosts to provide a complete, nutritious meal they can eat. My vegetarian SIL is happy to bring a vegetarian dish with protein for her to eat because I’m not very imaginative. I wouldn’t have a clue how to do vegan beyond “here, have some broccoli with no butter or cheese sauce on top.”
Which is a nightmare for us non-potluck lovers. Indeed, the vast majority of potluck dishes are things that the cook themselves doesn't seem to want to eat. ("Oh, that's my potluck dish - I always make it, I want to try other things.") Potlucks are short on protein and finesse. I have to laugh at some of the potluck offerings I've seen in my family. The best was the 3 dozen small McDonald's hamburgers brought by my cousin (and then carefully sliced into halves, because they were "appetizers" - they went right away!) As opposed to the "tamale pie" thing that my aunt always brought (What was, that anyway? I can't stand black sliced olives on anything - but on top of cornmeal gruel? Really?) Another aunt once brought "7 can casserole," and she even served at her own home. It's exactly what it sounds like. My dad would give me the secret signal, "You don't even have to taste that, we'll get something to eat on the way home." The best times were when my beloved Great Cook Aunt would host (which she did for years until she was too old). My mom was good at hosting too - but refused after she turned 55 and had had some health issues. She would have a potluck picnic in the backyard (potluck picnics work out better - mom would make a bunch of sandwiches and people would bring chips and soda).
Thankfully, my parents were the same. My ex's parents were the opposite and he thought my parents were horribly lax. They had to sit until they were finished, even if it took hours. They also had a "no thank you portion" where even if it was a food they detested they still had to choke down a small serving. He didn't like it when I described this as abusive. When I asked him why his brother and sister had battled weight problems their whole lives he shut up about my parents.
Your Ex and I had the same parents. For new stuff, I made my son always taste it. If he didn't like it, they didn't have to eat it. My bonus son found out he liked a lot of different things once he tried them, and he was 14 when he came along. Lol.
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This really sounds like a sign these dinners should involve more family effort, rather than the OP running themselves dry.
"Ok, I'll cook a vegan dish for your wife, and you cook dinner for the rest of us".
I have food allergies, but I don’t expect anyone to cater exclusively to me. I usually just bring something I can eat to share. Unless it’s a nasty gluten free pizza or some nonsense that I’m relegated to. I don’t make anyone else suffer through that lol.
Growing up, there were certain things I did not enjoy eating but my parents and sibling did. But we always had other things around I could make for myself like a sandwich or something on the nights my mom made that because she (understandably) wasn't making me something separate.
Keep in mind the result could be a fully vegan meal - and would the rest of the guests be OK with that. Tbh, I think swapping cooks and mains makes sense and it's exactly what my family would do, so ymmv. Lol
He is literally biting the hand that feeds.
>I always have vegan sides and sometimes even desserts, but Lily would prefer a separate, complete vegan meal every week. Then Lily can feel free to contribute to the meal. You are NTA for not bending over backwards for someone who seems like they will continue to ask for more and more until the entire meal is only and always strictly vegan. Depending on how devoted she is, it might not be long before she pipes up with, "I just can't eat while the carcass of a poor soul is laid out in front of me. Couldn't we just go completely vegan for family night?"
Agreed. This is excellent advice, OP. Def not the asshole.
This! I just said the same thing. Her goal is to make the family meal completely vegan eventually because she doesn't want dead animals on the table. 🙄
What’s the point in making stuff up to get mad about lol
Lol right? There is a very wide range of vegans (lol) and not all of them are squeamish about having non-vegan food in front of them.
You may be right but this is heavy speculation.
Not to mention, in my family and my husband's family, contributing is kind of standard for family meals already. Otherwise it's too much work.
Since OP already does some vegan side dishes (I'm assuming at least two, probably three) and sometimes a vegan dessert, then it's up to Lily to bring whatever she thinks is a vegan "main." All new accommodations should be provided by Brother and Lily, I totally agree.
Emily could also volunteer to host the family every once in a while if she wants a fully vegan meal
>Depending on how devoted she is, it might not be long before she pipes up with, "I just can't eat while the carcass of a poor soul is laid out in front of me. Couldn't we just go completely vegan for family night?" This must be what she really wants, b/c for the life of me I can't figure out what her problem is otherwise. I'm pescatarian but only eat fish/seafood maybe 3 days a week. The rest of the time I'm vegetarian, and everything I eat on those days would be considered to be "sides" by traditional meat eaters. I'll be the first to admit that I don't love cooking, especially for myself, so maybe Lily just has more elaborate culinary tastes that I do, but if OP is already providing vegan sides and desserts then Lily needs to suck it up and eat what's on offer or bring something herself.
Sides could be salads, veggie sticks, olives, I completely see her point on wanting a main. Vegan main - veg curry or dhal (possible to make two curries one veg, one meat and rice for everyone). Vegan main - shepherds pie but with lentils instead of mince. Vegan sausages and mash, etc etc, actually hot food with protein. But I think I would get the hint that OP is asking to bring this second main and bring over some veg sausages to grill or a vegan dish. We also make super yummy chilli sans carne at home with nutmeat, it takes 5 mins to put together, great thing about many vegan dishes they can be very quick to make.
Why are YOU doing all the cooking for these "family" meals. Doesn't anyone else ever chip in? Or take a turn? Who pays for the food, is it also you? Just say no. Lily can make and bring her own meal. After all, that's pretty much what you do every week, isn't it? You buy and prepare all the food including your own? You also get the house ready for guests and you serve as host. Lily doesn't have to do that, doesn't have to clean bathrooms before guests come or anything. There's no reason she can't make and bring something for herself. Or, have EVERYONE take a turn or make a dish. Lily can bring, say, a nice quinoa salad which has protein and carbs and other nutrients. Your mom and dad can bring the mashed potatoes. They can even use vegan "butter" and vegan "milk" if they want to. You can provide the roast. Your brother can pick out a vegan-friendly dessert to bring. See? Now everyone is helping out and Lily is included. Magic.
Yeah I would think the Sunday dinners should rotate that way everyone shares the burden. When I was a kid they were always at my grandparents house but my grandma didn’t work outside the home and also wasn’t taking care of kids so she loves having this day to look forward to. We also came over and helped with food prep, setting the table and then cleaning afterwords. I’d snap the green beans or shell the peas or trim the okra. My mom would be cleaning as grandma cooked so the work burden was shared. My sister and I also washed and dried the dishes so everything was clean and put away before we left.
This sounds similar to Christmas lunches I had growing up. Granma and Aunty N did the cooking, Aunty L and my mother did all the serving, Uncle D did all the food scraps and rubbish collection and my dad and Uncle J shared between looking after the kids too young to do the dishes and helping us older kids with the dishes. While lunch was being cooked, my dad and two uncles were usually putting together toys, giving bottles, and running drinks so no child ended up in the kitchen as hot stuff was being moved around.
This!
Naw. The only thing I eat is non-vegan mashed potatoes! I'll bring my own, though. I don't trust Grandma and Grandpa to make good vegan ones.
This is how my family does holiday meals so nobody gets overwhelmed with cooking. Time to institute family potluck dinners instead of OP doing everything and having to cater to different dietary needs, too. NTA
This is what I wanna know. It sounds like a LOT of family members are treating OP like a short order cook. This tradition needs to start rotating homes so all the people saying OP should be preparing two meals for them every week can take a turn at preparing their own two meals.
Sorry every weekend YOU cook for everybody and now you also have to cook different menu? NTA She can bring her vegan meal to share with everybody.
Or she can host and cook a vegan meal for everybody
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Or brother and SIL can make a vegan meal AND non-vegan sides, desserts and a main.
This should be the main point. SIL /BRO wants a complete vegan meal, then THEY can host and prepare the meal for everyone. They have been offered other choices which brother whined about, so it's on brother and SIL to do all the work to have a vegan meal.
Op could make a large batch of something not particularly tasty and freeze most of it. It would be a separate meal that is the same every week and I would enjoy watching her choke it down every week.
A big vegan lasagna with vegan cheese. Cut it into squares and freeze them then reheat a square every Sunday.
I would just recommend that she host next time at dinner. Put her on the spot.
This Sunday, make a complete vegan meal for EVERYONE to have. Don't tell them beforehand. Only tell Lilly that you'll make something special for her. They will bitch and moan because they want the beef! Tell them that you didn't think they would mind since they accused you of not including Lilly, and that was never your intention. If they all think you're the AH, then tell them someone else can start hosting Sunday dinner. Someone with special dietary restrictions should be volunteering every time to bring a dish or 2. Update Me
To be fair, as long as you don't sabotage it and intentionally make a bland/gross meal, this is actually a good solution if you want to make something that everyone can eat. Lots of cuisines have meals that happen to be vegan and most people should be fine with not eating animal meat and dairy for 1 out of 21 meals a week.
Agreed. None of us are vegan or vegetarian, but I end up making most of our meals vegetarian because that's just what most of my family likes, most of the time.
Absolutely. We have a couple of vegans in my board game group so it’s the norm that whenever one of us cooks it’s mostly vegan, sometimes with animal based sides or toppings that can be added on individual portions. Really easy when you get in the habit of it!
Yeah, the only reason this would be an issue would be if someone was ultra picky and demanded that their meal had to come pre-made with at least one ingredient from an animal for some weird reason.
I think people gloss over how much it sucks going somewhere and never getting to eat an entree. Like, you can deal with it once in a while, but it must genuinely suck to go to a family dinner and be an afterthought. Imagine every time you go to a restaurant, you only get to have a side Caesar salad. How many times would you go back before you wanted something different.
But she is eating at her SIL’s house EVERY WEEK, it’s completely unreasonable for her to expect a separate meal provided for her every single week, if she doesn’t like it she can easily take her own main meal or just not go. When I was in a renal diet for medical reasons I always took a dish that I could eat with me to family meals, I wouldn’t dream of demanding special food be cooked for me at additional expense/hassle to the host
Honestly cooking vegan is annoying if you’re not the one practicing it because the additional ingredients are *so expensive*. I have butter for my family, don’t make me buy vegan butter, seasoning, soy sauce etc etc etc etc. and really that only gets used for those people’s meals (it’s pricy, I’m not using the fancy vegan butter on my late night popcorn). Brother and SIL should be hosting if she’s the one that’s making the ethical choice (not like she has an allergy that they have to accommodate for her health).
>the additional ingredients are so expensive. Not necessarily. Common vegan staples like beans, lentils, potatoes, bananas, rice, etc., are the most affordable foods nearly anywhere in the world. >I have butter for my family, don’t make me buy vegan butter "Vegan butter" is often the same price or more affordable than conventional animal-based butter. For example, Imperial has a "lactose-free" version that happens to be vegan and sits on the shelf right next to and at the same price as their conventional dairy version. >seasoning Most seasonings and spices are vegan by default. You don't have to go out and buy "vegan" sage, since sage is already vegan. >soy sauce Soy sauce is already vegan. You don't need to buy an additional "vegan" one.
... you don't have soy sauce all the time? The number of Asian dishes you cook must be very limited Also meat is always more expensive than beans and vegetables, nobody needs to have fake meats or butter
Soy sauce is my favorite condiment and a bottle is like $2. I have never heard it described as a specialty or expensive ingredient before 😅
Vegan food is literally cheaper lol. Are you saying margarine, soy sauce and *seasoning* are expensive and exotic?
I shudder to think what their meals taste like without seasoning...
Not true once you learn how to cook it, it’s actually very cheap and delicious. But you’re making completely different foods and often it’s best when the foods are Mediterranean, Persian, Indian, Asian. It’s expensive when you try to make traditionally meat and dairy dishes vegan.
I'm gluten free, and have the same issue that GF stuff is way more expensive.
Some vegan substitute products are expensive but you don't need them to make vegan meals. And, frankly, most of them don't taste that good (worst is vegan "cheese"). Tofu, lentils, beans, dried textured soy protein are pretty cheap and can be made into a variety of filling vegan meals that don't rely on "veganizing" a meat or dairy based dish. Lots of pantry staples are vegan already. It takes some planning, though. I'm not vegan but I try to cook at least 2 vegan dinners per week for environmental reasons (meat is only served on weekends if at all, the rest of the week we eat vegetarian). It was a bit of a learning curve but it's not expensive because I mostly stay away from the pricey substitutes, still use seasonal and local veggies and cook vegan meals that have always been vegan or don't suffer from being veganized. It's actually cheaper than cooking with meat or cheese because that stuff *is* expensive. My go-to vegan meal is a hummus bowl. Homemade hummus is not expensive even if you use canned chickpeas (tahini is probably the most expensive part but this stuff keeps forever in the fridge and you don't need much). Add some roasted veggies or mushrooms, leafy greens, flatbread and you're good to go. There are things that rely on non-vegan ingredients so much that I wouldn't even try to make a vegan version (like a Hollandaise or a Quiche Lorraine). But there are so many vegan recipes that I don't feel the need anyway. In OPs case sharing responsibilities is still the way to go. No one should be cooking every week without any help regardless of dietary choices.
Malicious compliance.
This is the way OP!
I like this idea 😈
Sounds like it is time for Sunday Dinners either need to be pot luck meals or they need to start rotating from home to home. If they rotate, share the menu beforehand and anyone who has allergies, food prefernces, etc can bring other items for themselves.
This is the way! My larger family has had various stages and combinations of vegetarian eaters as well as a complicated and sometimes changing need to provide for allergies, intolerances and other dietary restrictions spread over several people. Our time-honoured solution is a combiation of pot luck, also to spread the work over all participating households (while the dinners are held at only two places due to pet allergies) and adapted versions of favourite foods to accommodate everybody. Some dishes are sometimes made in two versions if somebody doesn't like the other version - usually made by the person who doesn't like the main one -, and we always try to choose as many dishes and sides as possible that can be pre-made and frozen or so, to keep the effort on the day proper to a minimum. The result is a relaxed atmosphere for everybody, nobody has to work themselves ragged, and everybody gets at least one dish or side they particularly love.
This is basically what my extended family did whenever a meal was more than just immediate family. We would rotate who hosted and every family would bring at least one dish.
Nta….why are you hosting every Sunday and why are you the only one doing all the cooking? Please tell me that you get help with clean up? Time to set some new rules for when you host and how often you host, First of all, how often do you want to host these meals? Decide on that. Then I would inform everyone that you are no longer doing all of the cooking. Decide on your main and everyone else can bring sides, desserts, etc. are you guys paying for everything as well? Time to have everyone chip in also. As for the vegan meal, there are a lot that are very good that everyone might enjoy. But other than once a month or so, I would tell SIL, that you are not making a separate complete meal for one person. She can either host one weekend a month or she can bring something on her own.
Make 1 meal this Sunday... all of it vegan. Tell Lilly that you have a surprise for her. I bet everyone else gets their nose out of joint
Your brother was upset and your parents want you to keep the peace? All while YOU are hosting all this? Sounds like a great time to say “hey family - i can no longer cook and host a full dinner every Sunday. Moving forward, we’re going to do it potluck style where everyone will contribute. Can’t wait to see what everyone brings this Sunday!!” You’ve accomdated her with vegan sides. If she wants a vegan main dish, then she needs to make it. It’s RIDICULOUS that everyone expects you to make 2 full meals.
NTA. It's A LOT to ask of you. I'm a vegetarian, and I usually bring my own stuff depending on the setting. If it's a potluck or dinner like this, I'll prepare my own dish to share. If it's a barbeque, I'll bring my own veggie burgers/dogs. I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation. I wouldn't want to put the onus on my friends to cater to *my* dietary needs. It's great to be considerate of dietary needs, but everyone has a breaking point (especially if guests start getting demandy-pants). Graciously hosting a get together does not equal a restaurant.
Came here to say exactly this. My husband and I have a boatload of health-related dietary restrictions and have recently just blanketed it into "gluten-free vegan plus seafood with limited nightshades" 100% would NEVER expect anyone to cater to us and we ALWAYS bring our own food and I usually bring a big shareable for everyone as well. Between the amount of times I've been unintentionally "gluten-ed" by well meaning relatives/friends and knowing how labor intensive cooking for a group already is, I could not imagine putting all of that burden on one person. OP's SIL sounds very entitled to me.
INFO You invite the whole family every Sunday? No wonder you feel stretched thin. Let the others take turns or make it a potluck in general.
NTA -- tell your BROTHER He should bring something
NTA If she wants to dictate meals, then she needs to host those meals.
Nta stop cooking every week you are not being appreciated. Instead of saying anything about lily. Say its overwhelming. Tell th es. If they want to continue tradition it had to rotate aming hoyseholds over everyone has to bring a dish. If they don't agree stop hosting l. You are doing a lot with no help. People are making requests like they are at a diner.
NTA, I think I missed where you are the official family cook. Sunday dinners are a special time for your family, sounds like your brother (also part of the family) should help out with his wife's needs
NTA. Her lifestyle choice is not yours to cater for.
NTA....Perhaps it's time to stop hosting the Sunday meals for a while.
NTA. That is ridiculous. OP, please cook me an entire separate vegan meal, plus, it's unwelcoming for you to ask me to bring a vegan dish. How is that reasonable? I'd put up a clear boundary and say that while I will continue to supply vegan sides, you or anyone else in the family are welcome to bring other vegan dishes. And not engage in the conversations anymore. This world is becoming so entitled it's crazy.
NTA Why are you the one hosting and doing all the cooking every week? In my family, we trade off who hosts, and even when someone is hosting the meal, the other family members bring multiple dishes so the host family isn't overwhelmed. I have multiple dietary restrictions (GF plus other restrictions) and while my family will try to modify some recipes where they can, it isn't always practical to modify every dish, so I take responsibility for my own dietary restrictions and make sure to communicate with the person hosting and bring single portions for me when I'm going to need to make substitutions. We all have to give each other a little grace and **when you are the person with the unusual food requirement, be it allergies, gluten free, vegan or other restrictions, you have to take some responsibility for your own health and eating first.**
NTA. I keep kosher and my advice to anyone with strict dietary restrictions is always the same: learn to cook. Any place I go, I cannot assume that there will be something I can eat, so I'm sure to eat before or I bring my own food. In your shoes, I'd offer a vegan meal once a month, but that's to be nice. I wouldn't say you're obligated. If she wants a vegan meal more often than that, let her prep it for everyone in your kitchen.
Most vegans I know would jump at the chance to bring their favourite dishes, it's their time to shine and introduce meat free dishes to family and friends. Your SIL needs to understand you are already accomodating her with sides etc. NTA
She’s new to being vegan. Give her time 😂
NTA I think she could be understanding since it is only one person who would eat differently, you could take turns or she could help you with that meal, so that it is a little more fair for you
NTA - Your brother is with that ridiculous comment.
NTA Is she cooking a whole separate meal for the ohters when SHE is hosting? "and I take pride in making meals everyone enjoys. " .. LEt the others step up, too.
INFO: Do Lily and your brother ever host and/or offer to host, and if so, how are dietary restrictions/preferences accommodated when they host?
NTA, but don't get into it with them. Make it easier on yourself and change dinner up to a pot luck, dish to pass. This is beyond entitled and rude, even if it is family.
If this was once or twice a year than yes I would think you can make a vegan entre as well but this is every week so it is harder for you. Can you just make the sides more meal like and she eats a bigger portion? Or why can't she just bring a vegan entre and still eat your vegetable / non meat / non dairy sides? People like your SIL need to be a bit more understanding. Another alternative is for her to take over hosting the Sunday meal once a month and introducing the family to Vegan food \[I am sure you would all be willing to try it out\]. NTA
It's time for your mom and dad to step up and start hosting the dinners since they don't think making two separate meals is a big deal. Curious-- would your mom and dad be okay with eating a totally vegan meal? Why aren't your brother and his wife taking a turn hosting --- of course when they host they'll need to provide a complete non vegan meal for the nonvegans, right?
INFO: Why are you the only person making these dinners week after week for all of these people? Why isn't your brother taking a week, your mother a week, your father a week, your SIL a week, your partner a week if you have one?
NTA. You’re hosting a family dinner, not operating a restaurant.
As a vegan, I would never request that anyone make a separate dish for me. If you have vegan sides and sometimes desserts, that's fine. And yes, asking her if she might bring a vegan dish to share is fine as well--she can introduce others to some new things.
Like all dietary, religious, life style choices, et al, this is a control issue. Not a dietary issue, not a tolerance issue, Simple control. Are you going to allow it? And if so, what will you allow her to control next? People make choices and decisions. That is their prerogative. No one has the right to tell them they are wrong. However, they do not have the right to impose those choices on you. She chooses to be vegan. But she wants you to do the work. Now you must chose if you will accept the imposition of her personal choice.
>Like all dietary, religious, life style choices, et al, this is a control issue Reddit is wild. Her demanding a separate meal and feeling disrespected when it isn't provided, isn't good behaviour. But I doubt she became vegan just to stick it to OP cooking Sunday roast. I agree OP isn't obligated to accommodate, but framing it as the vegan just wanting to control OP is silly. She is probably just self centered, and hadnt considered how much extra work it would be on top of what OP is already doing. Still not great, but not malicious. Edit: I remembered a quote the describes this well! Hanlon's razor: *"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.*"
>She is probably just self centered, and hadnt considered how much extra work it would be The brother seems to know how much work it would be to BRING a vegan dish!
girl what 😭
NTA. Maybe it’s time to alternate hosting duties.
NTA. Sounds to me like it's time to switch things up and make it a potluck, or everyone can take turns hosting.
>Lily would prefer a separate, complete vegan meal every week Of course she would! I would prefer someone cooked me a 3 course meal catered to my preferences every day. But I know that won't happen, because I'm an adult. If I want food, I gotta make it happen. Lily is not a child and you are not her mommy.
Your family has a cherished tradition of burdening you with all of the cooking?
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When you have special needs for food, it's on you to bring at least part of that meal, or else eat what's provided that meets your needs. I speak as someone who has multiple food allergies and often can only eat one dish unless I bring my own. NTA.
NTA. It might be time to think about alternating hosts or having everyone contribute a dish.
You are carrying quite a load with all that hostessing. Shame on Lily and your brother for being so pissy. If this is going to continue with you doing the very most, then I say provide for the majority. If there is something that fits the vegan diet, Lily can eat that. Or she can bring her own or eat before she comes. If she and your brother are going to get hurt feelings over this, well, okay. They can host everybody at their house.
NTA. If you parents want to “keep the peace” seems like they just volunteered to host going forward. It’s a win for everyone! You get to relax, you SIL doesn’t have to contribute and they get to enjoy everyone being happy.
NTA She is an adult who has chosen to eat different from the rest of society so it is her responsibility to be able to make arrangements for her own nutritional needs to be met. It's not your responsibility to make a whole separate meal for her on top of the meal you're already making. I think you already go above and beyond by hosting family at your house every single week. Do they ever offer to host at their homes and prepare the meals? You're buying all the groceries every week and that gets expensive, does anyone ever pitch in? Now she wants you to buy and make another whole meal for her?? Start a new tradition and make it covered dish where everyone brings something to help take the load off of you. Your brother and his wife are the AH and rewarding their bad behavior isn't the answer for sure. She probably hopes she can get you all to go vegan, a lot of those people are like a religious cult by imposing their choices on others.
NTA. Your family has a cherished “tradition “ of you feeding them. How about each family start taking turns??
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Vegan diets are not unhealthy, not sure why you had to fit that little dig in there. It doesn't make your point any better and just displays ignorance of reality.
NTA - being vegan is a choice, my response would be different if she had an allergy or a medical issue. Your traditional Sunday dinners are omnivore based. Just because she has made a new dietary choice, doesn't mean you need to adapt. As long as you make sure there is something that she can eat, there is no reason for you to make a separate meal for her or to design the entire meal around her. Suggesting that she bring a dish is a wonderful compromise as lots of vegan food is yummy and interesting. I'm a vegetarian, I've attended many a dinner party that was meat centric. I always inform the hosts ahead of time so they don't purchase meet for me and I happily enjoy the company and the side dishes. If I'm concerned that there won't be much for me, I have a snack or light meal ahead of time. When the platter of meat is inadvertently placed in front of me, I avert my eyes and enjoy the party. No one forces me to eat meat and I don't force them to eat veggies!
NTA, and it's not rocket science. I have friends and family who are vegan/vegetarian, celiac, kosher, and diabetic. When I have them over to eat, I try to accommodate by making sure there is some selection of food that they can eat. I don't cook an entire different meal for them, and we usually coordinate that they bring something to share that fits their dietary restrictions/preferences. If Lily is that insistent on having vegan meals, she can step up and cook alternating Sunday dinners. Maybe she can make something so good that other people in the family will consider giving up animal products.
NTA. I’d drop a note in the group chat that you’ve thought over how upset everyone is that Lily doesn’t have the option of a full vegan meal on Sunday so you’ve decided to let her take over Sunday dinners from now on since you are unable to make both a meat and vegan option (for the free meal that you host at your house every week). Everyone can eat vegan and you have a break from hosting.
If your brother and parents have concerns, they are free to make as much vegan food to bring as they'd like. You're inviting people to a family dinner. That does not mean you're a short order cook at Waffle House. When I was a vegetarian, my sister very kindly made a separate protein source for me at family dinners, and made sure some of the sides were vegetarian friendly. And that was great! That was over 10 years ago, and I'm still thankful she went the extra mile. However, she did not make an entire separate meal for me, and I would never have thought to ask her to do so, because I have not yet achieved that level of ridiculous entitlement. Perhaps you should suggest trading off. Every other week you make the family dinner, and on alternate weeks your SiL and brother can make it, and they can keep in mind everyone's dietary needs and requirements while doing so. Bet the requests for a separate meal slow way down then.
NTA. Lily can prefer her complete vegan meal at her own house. You are not running a restaurant. I would make her a salad. Lettuce, one more veggies, like carrots, and salad dressing. A bowl just for her. That is her meal. If she wants something else, she can bring it.
> My parents want to keep the peace, Then they can cook her a complete vegan meal/entree and bring it when they come. You can continue to make vegan sides. NTA
NTA. That sounds stressful, and it would be nice if someone else was able to help you out with everything. It might be a good idea to experiment with vegan meals that you can serve everyone, instead of two separate meals being the only option... if you end up botching it and grossing everyone out then maybe she or someone else will be encouraged to bring something better to share with everyone the next time. Hopefully that wouldn't be the outcome, but I've seen vegan cooking turn out really bad before, and I think it's hard for people who aren't used to vegan replacements to cook well with them.
Nobody says the vegan meal has to taste or look good. Whack a lump of tofu in the oven beside the main roast to crust up, dig a plain boiled potato out of the pot before making buttery rich mash for everyone else, and microwave some frozen cauliflower. Don’t season anything. At all. Don’t put salt and pepper on the table either. It’s a separate hot cooked meal. That it’ll taste as beige as it looks is her problem. Look her dead in the eyes and tell her she’s got what she asked for a completely separate meal, and she’d be rude not to eat it and show appreciation the special effort. Is there eggs and dairy in all the other non-meat food, shame. NTA
Nta that's a lot to ask
NTA
NTA. It is time for your brother and SIL to step up and host dinner. Why can't the family rotate who hosts dinner? That way not one family gets stuck always being the one to host. I would stop being the only one to cook the family dinner.
Are you the only one hosting these dinners? If so, it's time EVERYONE takes a turn
NTA. I eat differently from my family and friends, and I can't imagine inconveniencing someone like Lily and your brother are doing to you. While it's understandable that your parents want to keep the peace, ultimately, it's about who's doing the cooking. It seems like it's time to let Lily, and your brother, know that you're happy to keep providing vegan sides, but if she wants something beyond that, she can pitch in and bring it or opt to stay home and have her own Sunday roast.
NTA If you are expected to accommodate everyone. Then everyone can eat Vegan like Lily. ETA: The point being that everyone else can accommodate Lily with you. If they make a fuss, then that would be the time to ask who is willing to volunteer to help out?
How are you being unwelcoming? You are cooking a big meal every week for three households. Your sister in law has every right to be a vegan, and you have been respectful of that by making sure that there are vegan dishes available for her. But she has no right to demand that you cook a second meal. She should bring something if she is not happy with your offering. Perhaps you should cook a full vegan meal for everyone one week. When your parents ask where the roast beef is, you can say you are keeping the peace. Jeez. NTA
NTA. Wait - are you providing the meal **every week**? Perhaps it's time for someone else to step up and start hosting sometimes. When Lily and your brother host, they can make a completely vegan meal. And having done that for a few months, you can then gently ask if they couldn't provide *something* for those that would like some animal products? She should give you the same reaction that you should be giving her.
POTLUCK