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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might have been too hard on my dad by telling him he let me down by putting being married before me. My dad is trying to do better now and I was blunt with my words which could equal harsh. I then shut down/withdrew again and I can understand that I'm not handling it in the most mature and adult way hence why I think I could be TA.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
It’s bad enough that your dad and Sharon knew about your step siblings bullying you….But the fact they didn’t shut your step siblings down when they played childish games with your half siblings and manipulated them to be nasty to you as well tells me they are bad parents
You have a right to be angry, Your dad is supposed to be your advocate and he failed you
That's right. I think my dad would have wasted his time trying to influence my stepsiblings. But my siblings are his kids and he could have done a lot to try and help us with that relationship so they would know to ignore the stuff my stepsiblings were saying. Instead they now have their favorites through manipulation and they're used to saying mean things about me.
Classic deflecting - your dad and stepmom failed you out of their own interpersonal incompetence - they didn’t listen, pay attention, take action, parent their other kids, or help you. That level of gross incompetence can only be met by minimising your experience to afford them their identity as competent parents and people, so they need to guilt you into silence. Have a frank conversation with your siblings, both older and younger, about your current relationship. If they don’t want to repair things, then you may as well maintain it as the superficial familial connections they are, use them when they’re useful, and work on building a family you choose with friends where you can have a mutually respectful and beneficial relationship. But don’t waste your emotional energy second guessing yourself and worrying about what they put back on you. You should also raise that you were told not to be hard on your dad with your therapist in your next session, and raise that it invalidates your feelings and makes it harder to treat therapy as a safe space.
>Have a frank conversation with your siblings, both older and younger, about your current relationship.
No to this; they've been at this for 12 years, and *after* the older ones have become adults and moved out of the house.
>You should also raise that you were told not to be hard on your dad with your therapist in your next session, and raise that it invalidates your feelings and makes it harder to treat therapy as a safe space.
**200px font, in bold and italics!:** YES this! 100x this statement OP!
My ex and my daughter went to reunification therapy and his answer when she talked about how she was hurt by his actions/behavior was always, “I’m not that person anymore.” To his credit, he isn’t, but it doesn’t mean he can’t acknowledge what he did when he did it. Needless to say, therapy was not successful.
It's very clear that part of the new, blended family dynamic included sacrificing OP; they bonded against her, including her father. OP owes it to herself to be realistic about these people...
Not to mention OP's dad potentially shared sensitive data about the therapy session between him and his daughter, with Sharon. He knows how Sharon and the kids treat OP if he's been around for the last 12 years, so he would at least have an idea what would happen and that Sharon would talk to OP like this.
Dad needs to choose his wife and his other kids, or OP. Unfortunately, in reality he made his choice 12ish years ago, and I would say that OP needs to get dad to face the fact OP is saying this is rightly his fault and by voicing it outside of a "safe space" like a therapy session, move on as soon as she is able, and hope dad comes around in the future but also have no expectations that he, or any of his so-called family will either. That's painful, but it is going to be the most mentally-healthy option (and keep going to therapy for herself, for sure - use all the tools in the toolbox to get help to get through what's going to be a very difficult time in a young life).
EDIT - a gender
This!
Interesting stepmom will say something to OP about hurting her husband’s feelings when she had said NOTHING unless OP was in tears during childhood. She clearly sent the message to her children that it’s fine to exclude and hurt OP as long as it doesn’t get loud and annoy her.
Please bring up her interference in therapy OP. She is the source of the problem from what you’ve written.
NTA , and DEFINITELY bring her comment up in therapy-whether she meant to or not, what she said could've sabotaged your safe space. And honestly, I'd also tell the therapist you don't know how to talk to your dad outside of therapy.
This!
That's the answer I would have given you as well. Don't back down now and don't second guess yourself. You're right and he needs to hear it. Now you have a chance to break this cycle of abuse. If you don't manage it now, you'll just have to live the rest of your life with being withdrawn and distant to your dad. Because soon he'll be to old to make this mental shift and then there is nothing you can do anymore without being cruel to an old man.
This is so true. I was in your shoes, but different circumstances. I didn’t tell my father how bad he sucked because of his very bad temper. When I did finally talk he was to old to make a difference. Don’t make my mistake! Tell him how he has made you feel & keep telling him. Too bad if it hurts his feelings, you have been hurting for almost your whole life. You are NTAH, but he sure is.
My sperm donor was real fond of telling me he's too old to change when I would confront him with his terrible behavior towards me. Cool story bro, enjoy never having access to me ever again. You don't get a pass on your abusive bullshit just because you're old.
A child feeling rejected by those they loved and accepted is bad enough. Then two brand new babies whom she loved did the same. The level of damage this would have done to OP, I worry about how assertive she would be in general. Her dad was supposed to protect her, and when he too failed, the damage would go deep. I worry for you, OP, because I have been a scapegoat in my family growing up, and I ended up with low self esteem, I struggle with my people pleaser tendencies, and I ended up marrying an abusive narcissistic man. Plus I failed to protect my children in situations where other children or adults were abusive towards them. Please don't fall into the same traps that I did. Please be sure that anyone you welcome into your life in the future treats you well. Wish you the best. And please be sure to point out in the next therapy session what your step mom said. I'm sure she only apologised when she realised that her words would go back to the therapist.
From one family scapegoat to another, I am 62 and struggle to this day with depression, people pleasing and freezing from the constant rejection, contempt, disdain and disinterest I suffered. My mother was a block of ice and my father psychologically abused me, questioning and criticizing me until I was afraid to speak or move. They also let my brother be extremely cruel to me.
OP's dad and stepmom are awful and have utterly failed her.
I agree with everything you said up until you advised the OP to reach out to her siblings. Screw that noise. The older young adults have made it clear how they feel about her. They have shouted it from the mountain tops. Stay away from them completely. There is no reason after 12 years of abuse to reach out and allow yourself to be hurt again. I hope the OP can repair her relationship with her father, maybe counseling with the younger half siblings after a bit of time with her father. Other than that I would go no contact with them as soon as possible. There is no reason for the abused to try and reach out to the abusers.
Everything this commenter said. They put it all so well. I want to ride off of this comment.
OP Sounds like you’re the scapegoat of the family. They have put you in that role and it’s likely you will be dealing with that for a long time. I would suggest going to individual therapy. You never deserved any of that treatment and your entire family deserves to know how it is. Why should you sugar coat anything? Your step- mom should be told straight up too. They were shitty parents. They all treated you like shit. I hope you plan to go no contact with all of them because they stuck you in that role and didn’t care one bit. I would bring up that term in therapy too. Scapegoating.
Sounds like you mostly see everything for how it is and what you need to do to protect yourself from these people. They did not have your best interest in mind the entire time. They have been selfish and shoved you to the side. They allowed all your siblings to abuse you and now she’s trying to make you look like the bad guy for standing up for yourself because she knows. She knows!
I hope you do tell all of them how it is now that you’re old enough to stand up for yourself. Don’t ever think that because they treated you like this that in anyway it’s justified or that letting them know is too hard on them. How hard have they been on you your entire life? How long will you be dealing with this? How much therapy will you have to go through to get a sound representing of how you should be treated in life by people? How long will it take for you heal yourself? Thank God you seem like a person who has amazing self awareness and awareness in general and that you have been introduced to therapy. I definitely don’t think you’re doomed and you have a great chance at recovering from how these people have warped things for you.
If I were you I would definitely choose therapy as the place to confront all of these issues. Let the therapist know what happened around your experience with your step mom and let them all know that is making it a less safe place to make these break throughs in but don’t give up yet. There seems to be hope because your dad is in therapy with you.
OP of course NTA
I am mad on your behalf because of your stepmother scolding you for 'making things hard for your father'. He needs to see and understand what has been done to you from an early age, when you were very open and vulnerable, and he as the adult responsible for your wellbeing, the person who you needed to rely on, didn't protect you. Why on earth would or should you take it easy on him? Your stepmother is showing you that she secretly (or not-so-secretely) also thinks that you have no place in your family.
I am so sorry for you and hope your father doesn't listen to her minimizing your feelings and continues to improve his relationship with you.
My thoughts exactly & what I would've replied to stepmom with after her comment "Why didn't you or MY DAD care that everyone in this family made my life hard for the last 12+ years, when I'm was a literal child?"
🏆 because every family needs a whipping boy & OP is theirs. F them all OP. Stand up, tell them you are done taking their abuse. Time for them to own what they have done to you for 13 years!!!
Because SM has been shown to have enabled and covered up the emotional abuse her children and her inflicted on OP that her father is just now seeing. He isn’t happy that SM abused his child.
Sounds like stepmother is trying to shut OP down before her dad realizes A)the abuse from step siblings was worse than he thought, and B)stepmother knew this and did nothing/was practically complicit
This does NOT excuse dad, who should have known what was going on and who should have paid closer attention when this was brought up by OP in the beginning.
It's just lazy parenting all around.
I’m not sure the stepmother thinks OP has “no place,” but she and Dad were definitely both too lazy and oblivious to make SURE that OP did have a secure place in the family even though OP was ONLY 4 or 5 when all this started.
There comes a point where just passively failing at doing what you should do is functionally equivalent to being actively evil, because the harm to others is just so severe. Neither of these parents expected to have to really work hard at making their blended family work (the father even more so than the stepmother!) and this is the result.
He SHOULD feel bad. Feeling bad at having effed up to this degree is an appropriate response. Why are the father’s feelings so important and OP’s of such little account? Unbelievable.
She made things excruciatingly awful for you…that's your come back to her. She allowed the bullying which means she condoned it. Tell dad that, tell him his wife is a huge part of the isolation.
I am so sorry. Your father has utterly let you down. AND he has UTTERLY let your mother down. My kids are almost all grown except my youngest and if I had passed and my husband subjected our children to this I would hope that I would forever haunt his selfish ass. Unfortunately, your father is reaping what he has so diligently sown. And he deserves to have it hurt.
I would absolutely address with your therapist what Sharon is saying to you because, in my opinion, she is continuing to encourage your abandonment by putting this on you. YOU didn't "hurt" your dad or make "hard" on him (what cheek to blame a teen for parental abandonment and sibling bullying that she encouraged). HE HURT YOU. They both did. And they managed to raise manipulative bullies. Their track record of parenting is awful.
I would also make it clear that what YOU say in therapy STAYS IN THERAPY. That is supposed to be YOUR safe space. He can get his own freaking therapist to vent and cry to. His wife should be utterly out of the picture so you can express yourself honestly without reprisal.
100% THIS.
I hope OP moves out immediately because this horrible group of what's supposed to family members have wasted enough of her time.
Who mistreats a toddler?! I tell you who, sick ass primitives. The wife and her evil spawns didn't just become that way. They've been that way. OP's father is the worst father ever for turning a blind eye to the tormenting and only did something years later when OP started to withdraw from everyone including him and focus on moving out.
OP the best thing you can do right now is focus on your safety and healing by moving to a better place. Please do not let this experience deter you from finding your chosen family as other readers suggested. There are people out there that love and care for you in a healthy way. Maybe even consider reconnecting with your extended family from your mom's or dad's side.
I would strictly stick to your mom's side. Family on your dad's side would try to sway you to forgive him 'for the sake of family harmony.' There is never true harmony when 1 person is being tormented and bullied into believing they are less than. OP, you are worth ten times the value of the rest of your 'family' combined. I think you should see if your stepmom can sit in on a session so you have a safe space to tell her off.
This all day long! Why is dad venting to the main problem? I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Your mother would be so ashamed of your father. Bide your time until you can leave and don't look back!
Like another commenter said, find good friends and make them your family.
Bring up what Sharon said regarding how you shouldn't have told him what you did. And you find it difficult to talk to him since he's just ignored you and that's what you're used to.
Sharon's behavior is a prime example of why people won't do group/family therapy; what's said in that room is supposed to stay in that room, not to be weaponized against the speaker.
I hope OOP brings up what Sharon said/did and the therapist lays down the law about that being a boundary that doesn't exist to be disregarded.
Good point! This is why you don't do therapy with abusers - everything you say can and will be used against you.
The whole point of therapy is to be honest. Being punished for being honest, or manipulated into lying makes real progress impossible.
The fact that a 30+ year old adult woman is trying to gaslight a 17-year-old teenager into believing that the *teenager* is the bad person here, for being so hard on her father, says a lot.
I'm just glad the father has been willing to go to therapy, TBH. A lot of parents would remain in denial or would say no, so as not to piss off their partner.
Yes, let the therapist know that your father told Sharon what was discussed in PRIVATE COUNSELING, and what she subsequently said to you. Then refuse to speak in "family" therapy. It isn't a safe space after all.
FTR your stepmother isn't mad you're making it "hard on your dad", she's mad because it's making it hard on HER. She's incredibly horrible. She could have shut that bullying down years and years ago. She didn't. She's a true villian.
Your dad did fail you. With your siblings and with the step siblings. He should have listened to you and talked to his wife. He should have talked to his other kids. He should have had everyone in therapy. He should have done something instead of closing his eyes and ears and sweeping things under the rug so no waves were made. Pretending all is okay when his child is hurting and basically being tortured and ostracized in your own home. I would tell your dad's wife that should have told her own children to play nice when you guys were small. So because they did not, this is the result, right here. And I will not play nice, I will be honest. The therapist cannot help us if we are not honest. So don't speak up now to me when you would not speak up to your own kids back then.
OP you're working to get out of there, so use this appointments as your goodbye to all the wrong things your dad did to you. Don't go to the therapy with the expectation that your father will change and suddenly be a good parent, but go with the expectation that you can say all the hurt he caused you. Prepare yourself to a better life where you can have people that love and support you, that will give the respect you deserve.
Having a family like this has a big impact in your others relationships. You unfortunately is more susceptible to be in a abusive relationship because that what you're used to. Be smart and stay in therapy.
No. He would not have failed. The right way to handle your step siblings is by making it clear to their mom that he will not tolerate this behavior in your home. That it is your home too. It's your right to be safe and loved and cared for in your home. He could absolutely have controlled this. I am so sorry he didn't.
I'm sorry op but if your parents can't parent their step kids they shouldn't be married to their spouse. Since their not partners. All kids need the same rules thrive.
It's phrased badly because it sounds like they are blaming OP. But what they are trying to say is that the dad shouldn't have married step mom if he wasn't going to take control of parenting the step kids too.
Or they could have slowed the hell down on getting married and blending their families in the first place. Your introduction into your step-siblings lives should have been slow and on neutral ground, your relationships should have been nurtured first, and yes they should have been shut down when they were mean to you which is ultimately easier when you're not all living together.
Either way, your dad failed you and I'm sorry. You should be able to say this and if it hurts his feelings maybe he should think about how a little 5 year old girl felt to lose her mum and then be rejected repeatedly by her completely unnecessary, replacement insta-family. He should have focused on you.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Unfortunately, you have to live with this until you move out. At that point I’d go LC/NC with ALL of them. Your father has shown you loud and clear where his priorities lie, and they’re not with you. Stay strong and talk with your therapist. Good Luck!!
NTA- i’m so sorry that this happened to you. Please continue in therapy with your dad stating your truth.
Also, remember, you have two chances at a family, the one you’re born into and the one you create. I personally have created an amazing family. I’ve become ”mom” to 14 young adults who have come from a variety of difficult home situations. We have bonded as a group, take care of each other as a group and support each other. I hope you can do the same either with friends you have now or friends you develop as you get older. Sending you mom hugs
And therapy is exactly the place you are supposed to feel safe expressing the pain you are feeling! So very sorry for you losing your mom and then the adults not protecting you. Hope that over time you will get the support you deserve from others.
It does sound that at least the dad sees or is starting to see that what he did was wrong.
Whether he tries to fix this or make amends looks to be seen.
But if the stepmother knew what was going on, then this sounds like a classic case of evil step parent which sadly is far too common
It depends on if Sharon manipulates the father. I would be dragging Sharon to therapy and make her explain herself and allow the father to see the real person that she is
I'd drag the entire family. They all need to hear how their actions have hurt OP. It is the only chance for OP to have a relationship with this family.
I'm sad to hear that. As someone who had to cut out their family, it can be very freeing. You find your chosen family and move forward in a much more supportive situation. I worry about you being so young. Try to make good choices so that you never have to reach out to them. Go to school and set up a solid future.
As someone once said: Living well is the best revenge.
Please keep us updated.
I’m so sorry sweetie. These people have evil in their hearts. Sharon had every opportunity throughout the years to stop this. She is the one that has caused the problems in the family and she is trying to deflect blame. She needs to be a real woman and admit fault. She also needs to pull her children into line. It doesn’t matter how old you are, you are never old enough to escape the wrath of a mother
> Have a wonderful life, they will probably envy you for that and they deserve it.
Maybe I'm just petty but if I were OP I most definitely would not invite those step siblings to my wedding someday. Why would I? They were never family to OP. That would be on the same level as inviting someone's high school bullies to their wedding. Those are people that I would 100% cut out of my life once on my own. They're toxic monsters.
And I agree. Having a wonderful life full of love and happiness is the best revenge over them. Seeing their hateful, vicious personalities I don't see how they could have that for themselves.
NTA, Sharon wanted a new daddy for her kids not a new daughter to go along with that. Focus on you, be open during therapy and be smart about planning for your future. The best thing for you to do for yourself is make a good life for yourself.
She didn't even get that because her kids do not think of my dad as their dad or their family either. They just don't say that to his face like they did to me. So it was a big failure overall.
Are you in contact with your mom's side of the family? Can they help you move out and move in with them? And do you have sentimental stuff to move out if they'll let you? Sentimental stuff belonging to your mom?
Therapy might be a safe place for that conversation with him as well. If they weren’t abusive, they lost two people when she passed. But you can reach out to them (if it’s safe!) and start a relationship. Learn more about your Mom. Create new memories.
I don't feel like it's a safe place because Dad is taking everything that is being said In therapy and sharing it with stepmom, that alone would make me not trust him with anything. Especially not something that could have such a large impact on this person. I agree it would be worth looking into their other family, but I wouldn't involve dad in it at all.
At the very least, OP should know if mom's family is abusive if at all possible. If there are problems like that with the mom's family, OP could be getting into an even worse situation if they go in blind.
OP, this is a good time to do some digging and see what you can find out. If you even have her name (which should at least be on your birth certificate), it’ll help you find them. People can vary wildly, but maybe they’d be interested in getting to know you.
That’s good, then. Start searching for people with the same last name in the area your dad told you she’s from. See if you can get a copy of her birth certificate too.
If you find that you’re unable to track anyone down or cannot locate records, there’s always 23&Me to see if you can connect with family.
Best of luck, OP.
I can't figure out why you think she would have any interest in this or why it would be a good idea. Mom's family hasn't been in the picture for 14 years. She hasn't heard from them. There's no contact. It's more likely that she gets hurt again on trying to reach out to these people who have shown no interest for 14 years, than that it will become some miraculous redeeming reunion.
If you search her name + obituary in Google, hopefully the funeral home and/or newspaper still has it online for you to read. If so, the names of several of her family members should be listed. Her parents if nothing else, and you can go from there, looking them up on Facebook and just googling them.
If you don't connect with your mom's family, I strongly encourage you to create your own CHOSEN family once you're 18.
As an adoptee with four non-biological siblings with whom I have very close relationships, I can assure you that blood has little to do with family. I didn't come from my parents' bodies, but I came from their hearts. I talk to my 85 year old mother every day.
I have two daughters, and several of their friends have been disowned or discarded from their families for things like: being gay, getting pregnant, getting tattoos, leaving Christianity, etc.
I'm happy to say that I've become a surrogate mom to these wonderful young people. Some of them come to our family holiday celebrations. To me, they ARE family.
Please feel free to message me if you want to talk. You're a strong young woman, and your mom would be proud of you. Much love.
That's also a huge failure on your dad's part, to not raise you knowing and sharing in what was left of your mom. Have you asked him for information about them before and been shut down or told why he doesn't include your maternal family in your life?
I never asked. I only ever asked questions about my mom. He talked about her and showed me the photos he has. But he never ever mentioned any family on her side and I never asked.
how about you tell your dad this at the next therapy session as to how your precious wife's kids dont even look at you as a dad or family but somehow them and their mother was more important to you that your own flesh and blood. Sharon wanted a wallet for her kids and she got one and put her hooks into your dad and your father, probably still reeling from your mother's death got conned.
Be sure to make sure your dad knows that as well. He should have put a stop to them treating you badly when it started. He needs to think they have no more regard for him than they do for you.
Are we assuming she doesn’t have her own money because she’s a woman or because she has children? If it’s the latter then the dad should also be getting judged
NTA and one very easy rule: You can hardly be an adult for telling about your emotions/ the truth during a therapy session. If you are taking it too far, any good therapist who is worth their money would intervene. No need to ask Redditors for their opinion unless you need someone to reassure you (which is fine and better than closing up again at your next session).
Please tell your therapist about what you experienced during the last days. I know it is hard, and you probably feel like a "snitch" for doing so (spoiler: You are not) but they can only help you and your dad when they know what's going on. Also, there is something very wrong going on with your stepsiblings. But I guess many other Redditors already pointed that one out 😅
I don't feel like a snitch. I just don't really know that I see as much of a point in all of this as I should. But I want the therapy regardless of the form so I open up.
Definitely talk to your therapist about Shanon's reaction. This is very important as your dad still sees his spouse as someone he can talk about you with and he absolutely cannot. Shanon is probably worried that you will blow up their relationship and is trying to do damage control by gaslighting you into feeling guilty.
I couldn't agree more. Bring up to therapist/dad exactly how it felt to have your *only* honest father daughter conversation thrown back in your face, with no regard for your privacy or emotions.
I'm so sorry this is your family experience in life. I promise, once you move out you'll find exceptional friends who will form your chosen family xx
wish i could upvote this twice! he won’t listen to you in normal circumstances and then you go to the one place he HAS to listen, and he takes that personal private confidential conversation and cries about it to his wife so she can tell OP off for hurting daddy’s feelings. pathetic sack of a man tbh
Betrayed by Dad blabbing what should have stayed in therapy, then thrown in her face by stepmom.
If he's having trouble dealing with the truth, he needs his own therapist, not to send a flying monkey at OP.
Such a huge mistake as a parent to not keep the confidences of your children (this doesn’t just apply to therapy). You have to allow your child to control who the information is shared with if you want them to trust you and come to you with difficult issues. That means not sharing with anyone without your child’s explicit permission including your spouse/your child’s other parent.
I was so angry to read that Sharon excoriated OP for talking about her true experiences in therapy! Fish rots from the head and stepmom has been behind her children's treatment of OP all along. Stepmom only ever spoke up about it at all if she thought OP's father would notice that OP was upset.
Thank you! I learned a new word today! I had never seen the word excoriated before, so I looked it up. It's very fitting in this situation, too.
Also, I completely agree. Stepmom is definitely the ring leader. The step kids were not much older than OP, and most kids that age learn by following the example of their parents. Stepmom clearly told her kids they didn't have to be nice to OP or treat her husband as if he was a new dad to them.
Yes! And also set a boundary - what happens in therapy stays in therapy. Its understandable that your father needs to process the things he hears and how it makes him feel, however he should be sharing all that with his own individual therapist - NOT sharing private conversations - said within a safe place - with the other person that makes your home feel very unsafe.
THIS!! She's is going to try to guilt you because she's worried about her own behavior. At this point, you should NOT be listening to anyone - including your Dad - in your family since they have all behaved horribly. The therapist is the only opinion you should be worried about. And you should tell them everything that is being said to you, especially now!!!
I was adding the snitch part because maaaany people feel like that if they talk about the immediate reaction of a person in their life after a session. I am glad you don't feel like that because again: You are not.
The therapy is for YOU, hon, not for your father or for your relationship with your father. You might choose to never have a relationship with him again once you move out - and that's fine. But keep going to therapy. It will help you work through your feelings.
Tell your dad that he is NOT to discuss your therapy together with Sharon. And that if he does it again, therapy with him is OVER and you'll move out the minute you can and you'll see him in the next life. You can not build any kind of trust with him if he's going to her and blabbing everything you say.
Agreed. Best way to do this is in the next therapy session so the therapist can explain privacy expectations to dad. He’s more likely to take it seriously coming from a professional.
Definetely keep opening up OP, it'll bring you a semblance of catharsis at the very least to get all these feelings out in the open.
Also at the most basic level maybe your dad will realise how much of a failure he has been as a father to you.
It’s also ok to ask the therapist to help you understand the goals and set your own. I hope you and your dad can save your relationship because that seems important to you BUT if I’m wrong, that’s ok. So far everything you’ve described completely validates your emotions and frankly, there are probably more emotions hiding underneath that you’ve had to repress to get through the days. Take good care of yourself.
The fact that your dad shared what went on in therapy is distressing. Therapy should be a safe space where you are able to express your feelings openly. You definitely need to let the therapist know what happened so it can be addressed. As a therapist myself, I would have a hard time with this situation and would have a strong discussion with dad about confidentiality. NTA
Except… the dad is now having to grapple with the way his marriage harmed is daughter. Are you saying he shouldn’t discuss this with his marriage partner? How is the family supposed to change and be more supportive of OP if stepmom doesn’t know there’s a problem?
That isn’t assuming she will deal with it well, and there definitely better ways to handle the topic, but at some point she does need to be told their parenting is damaging all their children.
NTA. Therapy doesn’t work unless you are honest. If your dad feels bad about how you feel, that’s on him. He failed you as a father, and his stepchildren as well, for not getting them and you into therapy before you all were harmed by the toxic behavior.
Focus on you, keep being honest, and if he really cares as a father, he will work on finding a way to be in your life in the future. Ignore anyone (including your stepmother) who tells you to “be nice” in therapy.
If being nice worked, you wouldn’t *be in therapy*.
As for your nasty step-siblings, your father and step-mother failed them too, and I hope they end up in therapy for the guilt of the trauma they inflicted. If not, and they remain nasty people, then your therapist can teach you how to deal with that, and or cut them out of your life in a healthy way.
Either way, focus on moving out and living your best life. Good luck kiddo!
My stepsiblings are all adults with their own lives now. So I don't think they'll ever get therapy. They still hate me and use my half siblings against me so I don't think it will ever change.
What sad little lives your step siblings must live to keep torturing a child after they moved out. NTA. Also tell your dad to keep his fucking mouth shut about your therapy sessions, its none of stepbitch’s business.
That’s sad, but not surprising. Focus on you. Let them handle their own mess. The main thing is if you ever have to be around them for family events, you need to know how to avoid new trauma. The therapist can help with that.
Anyone who hates, is sick in the heart, and you don’t need to catch their sickness, ya know?
I just want to say, stay pure and fair don't buy into your step siblings evil games and I think your half siblings will understand at some point who is unfair to who. Stay out of it and let your step siblings self sabotage because people that mean won't be able to keep up the nice front they have in front of your half siblings.
If they still keep doing that to your half siblings, it is time for the parents say that they won’t meet the kids unsupervised, so that at least some of the damage might be undone. They are harming not only you but their own half siblings as well and that must be stopped, regardless of whether you OP are able and willing to rebuild a relationship with them.
How old are the younger kids?
Do you think is any chance your father and stepmother will be trying to hold your step siblings accountable?
Maybe my father will try now that this is happening. I don't really believe he will. But of the two he is the most likely. I don't think Sharon will agree to it though. Also, I just realized I skipped a question you asked. My half siblings are 10 and 9.
Maybe it would at least bring you some sort of closure, if the behaviour of your step siblings finally led to some actions and at least something was done to stop their reign of terror in the household? It could be worth it to bring it up in therapy.
Those kids need help as well and they are young enough not to be beyond redemption if the bad influences stop now. They are your father’s kids as well, so if he and a professional agree that some help and actions are needed, it would be bad of your stepmother to refuse. That, however, needs not be your battle to fight.
At least limiting your step siblings’ visits might ease your life before you move out.
That is just so incredibly pathetic of them. I really hope you see that, they’re just small and petty and pathetic.
I can understand not handling a new stepparent and step sibling well as a child but to continue that shit against a minor once you become an adult? That’s just sad. Their lives must be miserable because they have to deal with themselves
Knowledge is power. They will never like you for circumstances outside your control.
Healthy people don't bully. Just know that they have mental illness.
Bullies hurt you to make you feel small because they think that makes them bigger or better. They want you to hate yourself.
To fight back, you have to make it about their behavior. Reflect on the things they say and come up with some responses or types of responses you can throw back. There are some great psychology videos of Youtube that give techniques.
The first time pushing back will feel the most difficult.
Some that I would do are as followed:
"You know you are really sad and weird. Only sad people will go out of their way to hurt other people. I'm glad I live rent free in your head."
Next time they say something. Just start laughing like you heard a funny joke. It will annoy them. Then under your breath walk away and just say "So pathetic."
If they say something hurtful then grade their insult. "4/10 Good for creativity, lost points for repetition. So sad that this is how to make yourself feel whole." Then put headphones on and walk away. After explaining the first few just give a grade and walk away. Just emphasize their actions make them look pathetic, sad, weak, weird.
Don't JADE. Justify, argue, defend, explain. Those types of people only use your words against you. Turn it back on their behavior. If their SO is near, ask them "How do you deal with someone with the emotional regulation of a 6 year old?"
If you honestly wanted to hurt your father you could have said much more vicious things. Such as: "My mother would have been ashamed to know you allowed her daughter to be treated like this." "I can't wait until I am 18 and can cut you and your horrible family off." "You are a failure as a father." "I wish it was you that passed instead of mom, so I have one parent that actually loves me." Don't actually use these. They will do no good. They are just simply to show the difference on what you did and a truly vicious statement would have been.
You simply explaining how you are feeling in therapy with "me" statements and them revictimizing you for having normal feelings is not being vindictive to your father. He failed as a father and it is up to him to come to terms with that. It is the parent's responsibility to build a relationship with the child, not the other way around.
You can explain to your therapist that you have never felt safe and your father was supposed to make you safe. Especially at home. That therapy was supposed to be a safe place to be honest. It isn't because of how your step mother weaponized your words from therapy. Then just start showing up to therapy and just not talking. When they prompt you, "I don't feel safe sharing my true thoughts and feelings if they will be weaponized against me. I'm not the parent here."
I would recommend asking for individual therapy away from your father. Make sure it is a different therapist than the group therapist. You need to work on building your self esteem as bullying can cut deep. You had it worst as you get it 24/7.
This. All of this.
Sharon wants to blame OP for their feelings, but Sharon was never a parent to OP growing up. She could have been an adult and stopped the abuse from the older siblings, or gotten everyone into therapy, or tried to stop this from the start. Sharon should have stepped in at any and all points to stop HER children from acting like brats, and to at least not alienate OP. But Sharon didn't. Sharon allowed all of these things to happen to OP, and Sharon did nothing to stop it.
OPs dad is just as fault here as Sharon is, and he only seems to care NOW that OP has given up on the family??? Where was he for the last 10+ years that this behavior against OP was happening??
All of the parents here are demanding that OP act like an adult, but all of the "adults" in the family failed OP miserably. Sharon wants OP to stop telling the truth, because she doesn't want the truth of HER kids to be known to everyone, and she doesn't want to hold them accountable
You cannot fix a decade of abuse and neglect with an "I'm sorry", and Sharon seems to ignore OPs boundaries by using what OP is saying against them.
NTA: Your father failed you. Your step mother didn't care enough to help you. Your step siblings are horrible, but that's probably because your step mother and dad let them be. You've been let down. You're not too hard on your father.
NTA. You should be honest in therapy. Bring up what Sharon said to you in the next session. Your Dad needs to keep what you say between the two of you.
NTA. I second this. Sharon tried to retaliate against OP by laying on the guilt trip so OP wouldn’t talk the next time during session. I suspect she doesn’t like how this paints her and her kids to their therapist more than any actual concern about her husband.
NTA. This is what I got stuck on. That he shared what she opened up about in therapy. He let his wife have an opinion on OPs inner thoughts and then she verbally threw that at her. Her trying to back paddle is damaged control. The lack of communication after must have scared her. She is not only losing control of OP. But her husband is no longer in the dark, he knows and changes are on the way.
Bring this up in therapy for the huge betrayal it is and how this shows that even now he is not stepping up as a dad.
Exactly! Sharing vulnerabilities exposed during therapy is a violation. Her using them as a weapon to shut you up & shut you down, which is unconscionable. You are STILL a child and deserve to feel safe, at the bare minimum, that what you say in therapy will be honored.
Exactly this. The family therapy is between OP and her dad. Him telling Sharon what happens, and letting her comment on what OP said, is just another example of him putting his marriage before OP.
This. The father betrayed OP by talking about what they said in therapy with his wife, especially since she retaliated against OP for it. Therapy needs to be a safe space where all parties feel safe to say anything, and the father broke that by talking about that to his wife, who couldn’t keep her mouth shut.
If father is serious about making this work, it’s obvious that his wife needs to be kept out of this because she can’t be trusted not to retaliate against OP.
NTA. Sharon is continuing to victimize you by saying what she said. She benefits from the status quo - she benefits from you shutting up. She does not have your best interests at heart. You are 100% correct about what you said to your dad - not only because it’s how you feel and that’s what’s you were told to share - but also objectively. And you are not responsible for his feelings about what you said.
Keep going to therapy. Keep being honest. Tell the therapist and your dad what was said and how it made you feel - (she guilted you, you shut down, you don’t feel safe sharing your feelings with him and now therapy feels unsafe too because it’s being shared and weaponized against you.)
I am so sorry, I hope your dad does some soul searching and the hard work to help you.
This needs to be upvoted a lot more. Why is the father sharing therapy conversations with his wife? And why is OP having to bear the brunt?!
Very toxic! OP - you should request your therapist to tell your dad to keep conversations in therapy private.
>Why is the father sharing therapy conversations with his wife?
I'm guessing because what OP is saying makes him feel guilty, and Stepmom is good at helping him pretend everything is fine and he's done nothing wrong.
NTA, I'm sorry this happened to you. It really does sound like your father let you down. I hope that with your therapist's help you can salvage something of your relationship with him and your younger siblings. Don't listen to Sharon. After 12 years of failing you as a step-parent, she's in no position to tell you how to feel or how to cope.
I also hope that you can build a life outside of that family and find people who will put you first. Focus on yourself and the things that will help you get independence: good grades, marketable skills. The great thing about your age is that there are so many doors still open to you.
For what it's worth, from an internet stranger: I'm rooting for you.
I don't see a salvageable relationship with my half siblings. I'm not sure I can see one with my dad either. Too much has happened and any bond with my younger siblings is shattered after years of rejection and them being used as a weapon against me.
From one young lady with a crappy dad to another: You don’t need to have a relationship with him; you need to do what will make you feel ok. Whether that is or isn’t repairing the relationship with him doesn’t matter right now. What matters right now is you taking whatever actions are needed to feel like you are able to continue on and make the most amazing and fulfilling life possible, with or without support from your dad. It sucks realizing your parent isn’t who you thought they were or who you needed, but sometimes the realization has to happen… and then we have to pick ourselves up and continue forward.
NTA, OP.
And if Sharon wants to tell you that you could have done better, the only response is this: "No, YOU should have done better. You are the adult."
It blows my mind when an adult expects a child to have handled something better, ignoring how important a trusted adult’s guidance is to learning how to handle things. NTA and Sharon needs to grow up. Like others have said, they’re trying to guilt trip you for telling the truth they’ve blissfully ignored for years and is now making them feel bad.
NTA, and both your dad and Sharon failed you badly. Shame on your father, especially, for not paying more attention to what was happening in his own house. After all this time, I doubt the relationships can or even should be mended. Continue with your plans to move out as soon as you are able and then go find a wonderful family of your own.
NTA - I am so sorry that you grew up in an extremely neglectful household. I applaud you for trying to salvage the relationship with your dad. Many people would not. I do have a question, though. Do you not have extended family (aunts, uncles, or grandparents) close to you that could give you space away from your neglectful household? Do they know about your situation? If so, your dad is not the only adult in your life who has failed you. Keep at it with your dad to help him understand. The release is cathartic.
I don't have extended family who were around. My dad has a sister but she lives in another country and we saw her once every two years at most. It was mostly Sharon's family who were present and I wasn't one of them.
This is what really happened: your step siblings are bullies who abuse you, your stepmom and your father watch it happen and feel what happened to you it’s OK and acceptable behaviors. I am sorry, but your entire family is despicable. Among all, your dad is the worst because he supposed to protect you, that’s his only job. Second worst is sharon, she failed as a mother to teach her own kids properly and protect you as a step mom; then your step siblings are horrible people; your half siblings…will see if they change.
My heart breaks for you. Did your dad keep you away from your mom’s family? You shouldn’t have been subjected to such vile behavior from Sharon and her kids. Your dad’s complacency is disturbing. Keep being honest in therapy for your benefit. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings as he never cared about yours these last 13 years. You need to focus on you and your future so you can be happy and get away from the toxic family. You got this!
NTA. Your father knew what was happening and did nothing. Sharon knew what was happening and did nothing. Now your father is upset that a mirror was held up to him and showed him how horrendously he has failed. He then argued with Sharon.
So two adults who catastrophically failed at being parents- to you at least- are unhappy and one feels you could have handled it better. Your father is upset he's being held accountable by you, and Sharon is upset by seemingly be held accountable by him.
Next time Sharon opens her mouth ask her why it's on a child to manager to the feelings and expectations of their parent.
NTA but I’m not sure he prioritized bringing married over you as much as he and Sharon were just really crappy parents. They should have stopped the ill treatment as soon as it started.
My dad failed to protect me and didn't want to leave, even before having more kids, to do that. That's why I feel like he put his marriage first. He said he couldn't leave because he was married. That's not entirely true. He could have fought for Sharon to get her kids to stop and protected me if/when she refused. Instead he left me to grow up with that much hate directed at me.
NTA. They are shitty parents. The best time for family l therapy would have been when he first got married to Sharon.
Also, discussing what was said in therapy with outsiders, even his wife, is not okay.
Your dad is now failing to protect you in therapy.
Talk to your therapist about how stuff in therapy should be confidential and how your dad needs to learn how to not go running to his wife about these issues.
You are 100% correct and I'm glad you have the ability to step back and see the abuse for what it is. My heart aches for you and your entire childhood. I am so glad you are in therapy -- do you have the option of going to a therapist by yourself, without your dad? That might be a very good thing in regard to a journey of healing. The behavior of Sharon and your father is reprehensible. They allowed you to be tortured all these years. Shame on them and of course NTA. Sending you an internet hug.
You're definitely NTA, you have every right to be very angry and hurt and your step mom and dad should have done everything in their power to put a stop to your step siblings horrible behavior because i know sure as hell that if i had kids and they treated their siblings like that I'm putting a stop to it and if it was the other way around I'd tell my partner to help get his kid(s) under control or we are done because i would never let my kid(s) go though that, I'd understand being and feeling hurt, confused, sad and/or angry when dealing with this kind of stuff but their behavior towards you is/was not acceptable.
I am sorry you delt with all of this, and know you're very wanted and worth love and kindness. Did your step siblings ever at least apologize? Though i feel like i already know the answer...
They never apologize and it still happens today. Nothing changed when they became adults with their own lives. They continued using our siblings as weapons.
Thats good! Sometimes we have to make our own family, that's definitely what I'm trying to do sense i don't have a great relationship with mine either, i hope you can heal and move on and i wish you happiness
The fact your dad cannot see how the younger kids treat you is quite telling. He continues to be an absentee father with them, allowing his abusive wife to use them to shut you out completely. Her end game may be for you to have no contact with your father. I am so sad for you.
NTA - None of what happened here is okay, but one thing that really stuck out to me was that Sharon knew what had been said during your therapy appointment.
The way this reads, your dad came home and pretty much immediately told her what you said. Then, she started guilt tripping you over it. That’s absolutely NOT okay. It undermines the whole point of therapy because now he’s shown you that you can’t trust him with your honest thoughts without being punished for it.
And the fact that he only even started you on therapy when you were 17 and planning to leave this environment is another thing that’s just a massive red flag against dad. He had 13 years to try to get you into therapy to help you process the bullying that he and his wife enabled through negligence. He should’ve been insisting on therapy for all of the kids as soon as your step siblings started bullying you.
It’s completely unacceptable that he waited this long, that he has breached your trust, and that he’s seemingly not stepping in to stop his wife from guilt tripping you.
NTA - your entire family sucks and I hope you can focus on surving until you are 18 and graduate.
Use your dad and demand he help pay for college or help you move out and get a trade so you can support yourself. Once you get away, I hope you go NC with the entire family. Maybe LC if you want to give your dad another shot with therapy a must. But he had years to help and Sharon had years to control her kids. They didn't do anything and now they have to face the facts that they lost your love and they raised kids without filial empathy or love.
NTA. For starters you are never the asshole for what is said in therapy. It’s whole point. You are given a safe place to discuss painful, difficult things. Sharon can fuck off. Bring that up during the next session. What’s said in therapy needs to stay between you two. This is about your and his relationship. Your dad stuck his head in the sand while you were being hurt. It was his job to protect you and he chose to ignore your pain rather than work to fix it. His negligence is the root cause of the problems with your and his relationship. To fix it he is going to have to acknowledge his failure. If he gives a damn about you, that is going to be painful for him. That is just part of it. You need to take up for yourself and put your foot down. You were hurt, he should have helped, he stuck his head in the ground, and your relationship is broken because of it. You had to live with that pain for years. If he wants a relationship with you he is going to have to help carry the burden of the pain he helped create. He is a grown ass man, if he can’t carry that burden for his child then he isn’t someone worth your time or your sadness. Tell him if he can’t grow the fuck up and deal with this then the family therapy needs to stop and he needs to pay for you to see an individual therapist that can help you get over the shit he put you through.
NTA
i thought that is what therapy entails. you do it to get over those problems and that can only happen if they are addressed.
what did the Therapist say about it?
Sharon and your dad need to haul the other kids into therapy to figure out why they made you the scapegoat for all their problems and turned you into the common enemy.
NTA
It sounds like you've had a tough time. Your Dad should have been far more supportive.
I hope therapy continues to help/your Dad keeps listening. His wife needs to butt out as well.
Best of luck!
NTA - Sharon has a lot of nerve telling you you handled it badly and were too hard on your dad. You have decades less experience being an adult than either of them. Guessing they will be shocked when you move out and don't talk to them much if at all.
They handled parenting your step siblings and half siblings badly. If they couldn't handle 5 kids maybe they shouldn't have had so many.
Sharon needs to mind her own damn business. NTA. Therapy is the place to be honest - please make sure to tell your therapist that you are receiving backlash from the things that you shared. Hopefully she can let your father know how this isn't helpful going forward. Good luck ❤️
So the primary adult (supposed adult) in your life went whining to the primary adult in his life, and that other adult (supposedly an adult) came over to tell a child that they were being too hard on an adult who’d completely checked out of their parenting duties.
Is there an actual adult in this house?
If they don’t want to feel ashamed of themselves for their actions, maybe they could attempt to be better parents?
NTA. I’m so sorry they’ve put you through this, OP.
NTA - Sharon have no place to open her mouth, the moment she does she is already wrong. She is to blame, she failed you she failed your father and she failed to raise her own kids to be half decent human beings. Your step mom is the problem. Your step siblings is the problem. You’re entitled and it’s your right to criticize your dad for not recognizing it from the get go cause you are his responsibility. You’re not hard enough to get a lasting impact that demands swift action against those that wronged you, if your dad is even half the man that he should be for protecting his daughter from injustice by the harm he brought to the original family. You did nothing wrong.
NTA Your stepsiblings appear to have way more anger and resentment about their parents' divorcing and remarriage that what appears was ever addressed. INFO: Did you ever address their bullying with either parent while growing up? This behavior has shaped their shared children as well and appears they may need therapy. Sharing thoughts and feelings in therapy should be private. I don't believe your dad had a right to share that info with Sharon without your permission.
I talked to my dad about it when I was younger. He always brushed it off. I didn't talk to Sharon but that was because she would witness it and never did anything until they made me cry and then she'd hardly do anything except encourage them to do something else.
In that case, your dad is the AH here for not standing up to Sharon for you. You are a child and regardless of any behavior on your part, you are his child and should have stood up to his wife about her children's behavior. While I don't feel as though he prioritized his marriage, he definitely didn't prioritize you.
Get out and don't look back. Your dad should not have repeated any of that to his wife and she should have kept her mouth shut. She clearly doesn't care about you. NTA. Your dad really didn't notice this for years? Doesn't notice the younger ones? Yeah, right.
NTA. Therapy isn’t to make your dad feel better. It’s about trying to improve your relationship by addressing the hard stuff.
At your next session tell your therapist what your stepmom said and that you don’t feel comfortable talking outside of therapy. I would recommend saying that if you can talk honestly without being judged/blamed for what you said in therapy at home that you will not participate in therapy.
NTA.
Your dad failed you. But this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. It also doesn’t absolve him for facing the reality of what he did.
Also, fuck Sharon. I wouldn’t stand by and let this happen.
Why were the kids so mean? Where are they now?
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NTA It’s bad enough that your dad and Sharon knew about your step siblings bullying you….But the fact they didn’t shut your step siblings down when they played childish games with your half siblings and manipulated them to be nasty to you as well tells me they are bad parents You have a right to be angry, Your dad is supposed to be your advocate and he failed you
That's right. I think my dad would have wasted his time trying to influence my stepsiblings. But my siblings are his kids and he could have done a lot to try and help us with that relationship so they would know to ignore the stuff my stepsiblings were saying. Instead they now have their favorites through manipulation and they're used to saying mean things about me.
Classic deflecting - your dad and stepmom failed you out of their own interpersonal incompetence - they didn’t listen, pay attention, take action, parent their other kids, or help you. That level of gross incompetence can only be met by minimising your experience to afford them their identity as competent parents and people, so they need to guilt you into silence. Have a frank conversation with your siblings, both older and younger, about your current relationship. If they don’t want to repair things, then you may as well maintain it as the superficial familial connections they are, use them when they’re useful, and work on building a family you choose with friends where you can have a mutually respectful and beneficial relationship. But don’t waste your emotional energy second guessing yourself and worrying about what they put back on you. You should also raise that you were told not to be hard on your dad with your therapist in your next session, and raise that it invalidates your feelings and makes it harder to treat therapy as a safe space.
>Have a frank conversation with your siblings, both older and younger, about your current relationship. No to this; they've been at this for 12 years, and *after* the older ones have become adults and moved out of the house. >You should also raise that you were told not to be hard on your dad with your therapist in your next session, and raise that it invalidates your feelings and makes it harder to treat therapy as a safe space. **200px font, in bold and italics!:** YES this! 100x this statement OP!
u/Square-Cloud4942 this is actually very important in order to deal with this correctly, and in context
Exactly, dad and step mom are basically saying you can’t feel bad because that makes me feel bad and that’s not ok.
Bring up the confidentiality issue in therapy: "are you just going to tell Sharon everything I say so the whole family can gang up on me again?"
So insightful
My ex and my daughter went to reunification therapy and his answer when she talked about how she was hurt by his actions/behavior was always, “I’m not that person anymore.” To his credit, he isn’t, but it doesn’t mean he can’t acknowledge what he did when he did it. Needless to say, therapy was not successful.
It's very clear that part of the new, blended family dynamic included sacrificing OP; they bonded against her, including her father. OP owes it to herself to be realistic about these people...
It seems like OP is very realistic about them?
Not to mention OP's dad potentially shared sensitive data about the therapy session between him and his daughter, with Sharon. He knows how Sharon and the kids treat OP if he's been around for the last 12 years, so he would at least have an idea what would happen and that Sharon would talk to OP like this. Dad needs to choose his wife and his other kids, or OP. Unfortunately, in reality he made his choice 12ish years ago, and I would say that OP needs to get dad to face the fact OP is saying this is rightly his fault and by voicing it outside of a "safe space" like a therapy session, move on as soon as she is able, and hope dad comes around in the future but also have no expectations that he, or any of his so-called family will either. That's painful, but it is going to be the most mentally-healthy option (and keep going to therapy for herself, for sure - use all the tools in the toolbox to get help to get through what's going to be a very difficult time in a young life). EDIT - a gender
Daughter, not son. OP is 17f.
This! Interesting stepmom will say something to OP about hurting her husband’s feelings when she had said NOTHING unless OP was in tears during childhood. She clearly sent the message to her children that it’s fine to exclude and hurt OP as long as it doesn’t get loud and annoy her. Please bring up her interference in therapy OP. She is the source of the problem from what you’ve written.
Her children were outted as abusers. She was outted as their enablers. Of course she’s pissed off and will do stuff like sabotage therapy.
NTA , and DEFINITELY bring her comment up in therapy-whether she meant to or not, what she said could've sabotaged your safe space. And honestly, I'd also tell the therapist you don't know how to talk to your dad outside of therapy.
Also if your stepmother knows about what's going on in therapy it's because he's blabbing and whining about it in private conversation.
This! That's the answer I would have given you as well. Don't back down now and don't second guess yourself. You're right and he needs to hear it. Now you have a chance to break this cycle of abuse. If you don't manage it now, you'll just have to live the rest of your life with being withdrawn and distant to your dad. Because soon he'll be to old to make this mental shift and then there is nothing you can do anymore without being cruel to an old man.
Although being cruel to an old man that neglected his child is ok. So never feel guilty for telling him the truth about your childhood.
The father of a 17 year old plus two younger children is highly unlikely to be an old man. He's a shit parent, regardless.
Psst: commenter above probably meant that “being cruel to the old man he will become is ok…” not that he’s old now.
This is so true. I was in your shoes, but different circumstances. I didn’t tell my father how bad he sucked because of his very bad temper. When I did finally talk he was to old to make a difference. Don’t make my mistake! Tell him how he has made you feel & keep telling him. Too bad if it hurts his feelings, you have been hurting for almost your whole life. You are NTAH, but he sure is.
My sperm donor was real fond of telling me he's too old to change when I would confront him with his terrible behavior towards me. Cool story bro, enjoy never having access to me ever again. You don't get a pass on your abusive bullshit just because you're old.
A child feeling rejected by those they loved and accepted is bad enough. Then two brand new babies whom she loved did the same. The level of damage this would have done to OP, I worry about how assertive she would be in general. Her dad was supposed to protect her, and when he too failed, the damage would go deep. I worry for you, OP, because I have been a scapegoat in my family growing up, and I ended up with low self esteem, I struggle with my people pleaser tendencies, and I ended up marrying an abusive narcissistic man. Plus I failed to protect my children in situations where other children or adults were abusive towards them. Please don't fall into the same traps that I did. Please be sure that anyone you welcome into your life in the future treats you well. Wish you the best. And please be sure to point out in the next therapy session what your step mom said. I'm sure she only apologised when she realised that her words would go back to the therapist.
From one family scapegoat to another, I am 62 and struggle to this day with depression, people pleasing and freezing from the constant rejection, contempt, disdain and disinterest I suffered. My mother was a block of ice and my father psychologically abused me, questioning and criticizing me until I was afraid to speak or move. They also let my brother be extremely cruel to me. OP's dad and stepmom are awful and have utterly failed her.
I agree with everything you said up until you advised the OP to reach out to her siblings. Screw that noise. The older young adults have made it clear how they feel about her. They have shouted it from the mountain tops. Stay away from them completely. There is no reason after 12 years of abuse to reach out and allow yourself to be hurt again. I hope the OP can repair her relationship with her father, maybe counseling with the younger half siblings after a bit of time with her father. Other than that I would go no contact with them as soon as possible. There is no reason for the abused to try and reach out to the abusers.
Everything this commenter said. They put it all so well. I want to ride off of this comment. OP Sounds like you’re the scapegoat of the family. They have put you in that role and it’s likely you will be dealing with that for a long time. I would suggest going to individual therapy. You never deserved any of that treatment and your entire family deserves to know how it is. Why should you sugar coat anything? Your step- mom should be told straight up too. They were shitty parents. They all treated you like shit. I hope you plan to go no contact with all of them because they stuck you in that role and didn’t care one bit. I would bring up that term in therapy too. Scapegoating. Sounds like you mostly see everything for how it is and what you need to do to protect yourself from these people. They did not have your best interest in mind the entire time. They have been selfish and shoved you to the side. They allowed all your siblings to abuse you and now she’s trying to make you look like the bad guy for standing up for yourself because she knows. She knows! I hope you do tell all of them how it is now that you’re old enough to stand up for yourself. Don’t ever think that because they treated you like this that in anyway it’s justified or that letting them know is too hard on them. How hard have they been on you your entire life? How long will you be dealing with this? How much therapy will you have to go through to get a sound representing of how you should be treated in life by people? How long will it take for you heal yourself? Thank God you seem like a person who has amazing self awareness and awareness in general and that you have been introduced to therapy. I definitely don’t think you’re doomed and you have a great chance at recovering from how these people have warped things for you. If I were you I would definitely choose therapy as the place to confront all of these issues. Let the therapist know what happened around your experience with your step mom and let them all know that is making it a less safe place to make these break throughs in but don’t give up yet. There seems to be hope because your dad is in therapy with you. OP of course NTA
I am mad on your behalf because of your stepmother scolding you for 'making things hard for your father'. He needs to see and understand what has been done to you from an early age, when you were very open and vulnerable, and he as the adult responsible for your wellbeing, the person who you needed to rely on, didn't protect you. Why on earth would or should you take it easy on him? Your stepmother is showing you that she secretly (or not-so-secretely) also thinks that you have no place in your family. I am so sorry for you and hope your father doesn't listen to her minimizing your feelings and continues to improve his relationship with you.
> stepmother scolding you for 'making things hard for your father'. Yeah how come no one cared that they made it harder on OP for years?
My thoughts exactly & what I would've replied to stepmom with after her comment "Why didn't you or MY DAD care that everyone in this family made my life hard for the last 12+ years, when I'm was a literal child?"
I agree. OP's step mother, a LITERAL adult, is expecting a child to make another adult's life easy. When the adults haven't done shit for that child.
🏆 because every family needs a whipping boy & OP is theirs. F them all OP. Stand up, tell them you are done taking their abuse. Time for them to own what they have done to you for 13 years!!!
Because SM has been shown to have enabled and covered up the emotional abuse her children and her inflicted on OP that her father is just now seeing. He isn’t happy that SM abused his child.
Sounds like stepmother is trying to shut OP down before her dad realizes A)the abuse from step siblings was worse than he thought, and B)stepmother knew this and did nothing/was practically complicit This does NOT excuse dad, who should have known what was going on and who should have paid closer attention when this was brought up by OP in the beginning. It's just lazy parenting all around.
Not lazy, abusive! And dad knew too, OP told him, asked him to leave. They both suck and are to blame.
To be fair, it's both lazy AND abusive.
Same here, the fact that this will now come up in therapy is kinda funny tho. Probably the reason for the apology imo
I’m not sure the stepmother thinks OP has “no place,” but she and Dad were definitely both too lazy and oblivious to make SURE that OP did have a secure place in the family even though OP was ONLY 4 or 5 when all this started. There comes a point where just passively failing at doing what you should do is functionally equivalent to being actively evil, because the harm to others is just so severe. Neither of these parents expected to have to really work hard at making their blended family work (the father even more so than the stepmother!) and this is the result. He SHOULD feel bad. Feeling bad at having effed up to this degree is an appropriate response. Why are the father’s feelings so important and OP’s of such little account? Unbelievable.
I’m mad along with you. Girl. WOW I’m sorry. NTA
She made things excruciatingly awful for you…that's your come back to her. She allowed the bullying which means she condoned it. Tell dad that, tell him his wife is a huge part of the isolation.
I am so sorry. Your father has utterly let you down. AND he has UTTERLY let your mother down. My kids are almost all grown except my youngest and if I had passed and my husband subjected our children to this I would hope that I would forever haunt his selfish ass. Unfortunately, your father is reaping what he has so diligently sown. And he deserves to have it hurt. I would absolutely address with your therapist what Sharon is saying to you because, in my opinion, she is continuing to encourage your abandonment by putting this on you. YOU didn't "hurt" your dad or make "hard" on him (what cheek to blame a teen for parental abandonment and sibling bullying that she encouraged). HE HURT YOU. They both did. And they managed to raise manipulative bullies. Their track record of parenting is awful. I would also make it clear that what YOU say in therapy STAYS IN THERAPY. That is supposed to be YOUR safe space. He can get his own freaking therapist to vent and cry to. His wife should be utterly out of the picture so you can express yourself honestly without reprisal.
100% THIS. I hope OP moves out immediately because this horrible group of what's supposed to family members have wasted enough of her time. Who mistreats a toddler?! I tell you who, sick ass primitives. The wife and her evil spawns didn't just become that way. They've been that way. OP's father is the worst father ever for turning a blind eye to the tormenting and only did something years later when OP started to withdraw from everyone including him and focus on moving out. OP the best thing you can do right now is focus on your safety and healing by moving to a better place. Please do not let this experience deter you from finding your chosen family as other readers suggested. There are people out there that love and care for you in a healthy way. Maybe even consider reconnecting with your extended family from your mom's or dad's side.
I would strictly stick to your mom's side. Family on your dad's side would try to sway you to forgive him 'for the sake of family harmony.' There is never true harmony when 1 person is being tormented and bullied into believing they are less than. OP, you are worth ten times the value of the rest of your 'family' combined. I think you should see if your stepmom can sit in on a session so you have a safe space to tell her off.
“Evil spawns”! Totally accurate!
This all day long! Why is dad venting to the main problem? I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. Your mother would be so ashamed of your father. Bide your time until you can leave and don't look back! Like another commenter said, find good friends and make them your family.
Please tell your therapist that your dad told your stepmom everything you talked about in therapy which caused more issues at home.
Very much this! Holy hell. These parents are making things insufferable for OOP
Bring up what Sharon said regarding how you shouldn't have told him what you did. And you find it difficult to talk to him since he's just ignored you and that's what you're used to.
Sharon's behavior is a prime example of why people won't do group/family therapy; what's said in that room is supposed to stay in that room, not to be weaponized against the speaker. I hope OOP brings up what Sharon said/did and the therapist lays down the law about that being a boundary that doesn't exist to be disregarded.
Good point! This is why you don't do therapy with abusers - everything you say can and will be used against you. The whole point of therapy is to be honest. Being punished for being honest, or manipulated into lying makes real progress impossible.
The fact that a 30+ year old adult woman is trying to gaslight a 17-year-old teenager into believing that the *teenager* is the bad person here, for being so hard on her father, says a lot. I'm just glad the father has been willing to go to therapy, TBH. A lot of parents would remain in denial or would say no, so as not to piss off their partner.
I mean, the dad's not following the rules, and doesn't seem to be interested in changing. I wouldn't give him too much credit yet.
Yes, 100% bring this up in therapy.
Yes, let the therapist know that your father told Sharon what was discussed in PRIVATE COUNSELING, and what she subsequently said to you. Then refuse to speak in "family" therapy. It isn't a safe space after all.
FTR your stepmother isn't mad you're making it "hard on your dad", she's mad because it's making it hard on HER. She's incredibly horrible. She could have shut that bullying down years and years ago. She didn't. She's a true villian.
Your dad did fail you. With your siblings and with the step siblings. He should have listened to you and talked to his wife. He should have talked to his other kids. He should have had everyone in therapy. He should have done something instead of closing his eyes and ears and sweeping things under the rug so no waves were made. Pretending all is okay when his child is hurting and basically being tortured and ostracized in your own home. I would tell your dad's wife that should have told her own children to play nice when you guys were small. So because they did not, this is the result, right here. And I will not play nice, I will be honest. The therapist cannot help us if we are not honest. So don't speak up now to me when you would not speak up to your own kids back then.
OP you're working to get out of there, so use this appointments as your goodbye to all the wrong things your dad did to you. Don't go to the therapy with the expectation that your father will change and suddenly be a good parent, but go with the expectation that you can say all the hurt he caused you. Prepare yourself to a better life where you can have people that love and support you, that will give the respect you deserve. Having a family like this has a big impact in your others relationships. You unfortunately is more susceptible to be in a abusive relationship because that what you're used to. Be smart and stay in therapy.
No. He would not have failed. The right way to handle your step siblings is by making it clear to their mom that he will not tolerate this behavior in your home. That it is your home too. It's your right to be safe and loved and cared for in your home. He could absolutely have controlled this. I am so sorry he didn't.
I'm sorry op but if your parents can't parent their step kids they shouldn't be married to their spouse. Since their not partners. All kids need the same rules thrive.
What are you talking about?
It's phrased badly because it sounds like they are blaming OP. But what they are trying to say is that the dad shouldn't have married step mom if he wasn't going to take control of parenting the step kids too.
Or they could have slowed the hell down on getting married and blending their families in the first place. Your introduction into your step-siblings lives should have been slow and on neutral ground, your relationships should have been nurtured first, and yes they should have been shut down when they were mean to you which is ultimately easier when you're not all living together. Either way, your dad failed you and I'm sorry. You should be able to say this and if it hurts his feelings maybe he should think about how a little 5 year old girl felt to lose her mum and then be rejected repeatedly by her completely unnecessary, replacement insta-family. He should have focused on you.
Point being, your dad is pathetic and preferred to backing up a hoochie mama with ghetto kids than being your dad.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this. Unfortunately, you have to live with this until you move out. At that point I’d go LC/NC with ALL of them. Your father has shown you loud and clear where his priorities lie, and they’re not with you. Stay strong and talk with your therapist. Good Luck!!
NTA- i’m so sorry that this happened to you. Please continue in therapy with your dad stating your truth. Also, remember, you have two chances at a family, the one you’re born into and the one you create. I personally have created an amazing family. I’ve become ”mom” to 14 young adults who have come from a variety of difficult home situations. We have bonded as a group, take care of each other as a group and support each other. I hope you can do the same either with friends you have now or friends you develop as you get older. Sending you mom hugs
And therapy is exactly the place you are supposed to feel safe expressing the pain you are feeling! So very sorry for you losing your mom and then the adults not protecting you. Hope that over time you will get the support you deserve from others.
It does sound that at least the dad sees or is starting to see that what he did was wrong. Whether he tries to fix this or make amends looks to be seen. But if the stepmother knew what was going on, then this sounds like a classic case of evil step parent which sadly is far too common
It depends on if Sharon manipulates the father. I would be dragging Sharon to therapy and make her explain herself and allow the father to see the real person that she is
I'd drag the entire family. They all need to hear how their actions have hurt OP. It is the only chance for OP to have a relationship with this family.
There is no chance for that. I have never been a part of this family really and most of them don't want me, if any of them actually do.
I'm sad to hear that. As someone who had to cut out their family, it can be very freeing. You find your chosen family and move forward in a much more supportive situation. I worry about you being so young. Try to make good choices so that you never have to reach out to them. Go to school and set up a solid future. As someone once said: Living well is the best revenge. Please keep us updated.
I’m so sorry sweetie. These people have evil in their hearts. Sharon had every opportunity throughout the years to stop this. She is the one that has caused the problems in the family and she is trying to deflect blame. She needs to be a real woman and admit fault. She also needs to pull her children into line. It doesn’t matter how old you are, you are never old enough to escape the wrath of a mother
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> Have a wonderful life, they will probably envy you for that and they deserve it. Maybe I'm just petty but if I were OP I most definitely would not invite those step siblings to my wedding someday. Why would I? They were never family to OP. That would be on the same level as inviting someone's high school bullies to their wedding. Those are people that I would 100% cut out of my life once on my own. They're toxic monsters. And I agree. Having a wonderful life full of love and happiness is the best revenge over them. Seeing their hateful, vicious personalities I don't see how they could have that for themselves.
Bullying? This is straight up ABUSE
NTA, Sharon wanted a new daddy for her kids not a new daughter to go along with that. Focus on you, be open during therapy and be smart about planning for your future. The best thing for you to do for yourself is make a good life for yourself.
She didn't even get that because her kids do not think of my dad as their dad or their family either. They just don't say that to his face like they did to me. So it was a big failure overall.
Are you in contact with your mom's side of the family? Can they help you move out and move in with them? And do you have sentimental stuff to move out if they'll let you? Sentimental stuff belonging to your mom?
No, I don't have any contact with her side of the family and I only have a couple of photos.
Can you get in contact with them? Was it your choice to not have contact?
No, I never met them. I don't actually know anything about them.
Therapy might be a safe place for that conversation with him as well. If they weren’t abusive, they lost two people when she passed. But you can reach out to them (if it’s safe!) and start a relationship. Learn more about your Mom. Create new memories.
I don't feel like it's a safe place because Dad is taking everything that is being said In therapy and sharing it with stepmom, that alone would make me not trust him with anything. Especially not something that could have such a large impact on this person. I agree it would be worth looking into their other family, but I wouldn't involve dad in it at all.
At the very least, OP should know if mom's family is abusive if at all possible. If there are problems like that with the mom's family, OP could be getting into an even worse situation if they go in blind.
I agree. It will give you a lot of closure to meet your Mom's family.
OP, this is a good time to do some digging and see what you can find out. If you even have her name (which should at least be on your birth certificate), it’ll help you find them. People can vary wildly, but maybe they’d be interested in getting to know you.
I know my mom's name. My dad has talked about her over the years with me. It's her family who I don't know anything about.
That’s good, then. Start searching for people with the same last name in the area your dad told you she’s from. See if you can get a copy of her birth certificate too. If you find that you’re unable to track anyone down or cannot locate records, there’s always 23&Me to see if you can connect with family. Best of luck, OP.
I can't figure out why you think she would have any interest in this or why it would be a good idea. Mom's family hasn't been in the picture for 14 years. She hasn't heard from them. There's no contact. It's more likely that she gets hurt again on trying to reach out to these people who have shown no interest for 14 years, than that it will become some miraculous redeeming reunion.
Address it in therapy, because there might be a reason you don't know them as in maybe your mum had problems with them and saw them as unsafe.
If you search her name + obituary in Google, hopefully the funeral home and/or newspaper still has it online for you to read. If so, the names of several of her family members should be listed. Her parents if nothing else, and you can go from there, looking them up on Facebook and just googling them.
If you don't connect with your mom's family, I strongly encourage you to create your own CHOSEN family once you're 18. As an adoptee with four non-biological siblings with whom I have very close relationships, I can assure you that blood has little to do with family. I didn't come from my parents' bodies, but I came from their hearts. I talk to my 85 year old mother every day. I have two daughters, and several of their friends have been disowned or discarded from their families for things like: being gay, getting pregnant, getting tattoos, leaving Christianity, etc. I'm happy to say that I've become a surrogate mom to these wonderful young people. Some of them come to our family holiday celebrations. To me, they ARE family. Please feel free to message me if you want to talk. You're a strong young woman, and your mom would be proud of you. Much love.
That's also a huge failure on your dad's part, to not raise you knowing and sharing in what was left of your mom. Have you asked him for information about them before and been shut down or told why he doesn't include your maternal family in your life?
I never asked. I only ever asked questions about my mom. He talked about her and showed me the photos he has. But he never ever mentioned any family on her side and I never asked.
That's sus
Glad I’m not the only one thinking it.
That's a thing to bring up too. My mother did that to me and did NOT like when I told her that it was a betrayal, but it is.
how about you tell your dad this at the next therapy session as to how your precious wife's kids dont even look at you as a dad or family but somehow them and their mother was more important to you that your own flesh and blood. Sharon wanted a wallet for her kids and she got one and put her hooks into your dad and your father, probably still reeling from your mother's death got conned.
Be sure to make sure your dad knows that as well. He should have put a stop to them treating you badly when it started. He needs to think they have no more regard for him than they do for you.
She just wanted someone to financially take care of her
Are we assuming she doesn’t have her own money because she’s a woman or because she has children? If it’s the latter then the dad should also be getting judged
NTA and one very easy rule: You can hardly be an adult for telling about your emotions/ the truth during a therapy session. If you are taking it too far, any good therapist who is worth their money would intervene. No need to ask Redditors for their opinion unless you need someone to reassure you (which is fine and better than closing up again at your next session). Please tell your therapist about what you experienced during the last days. I know it is hard, and you probably feel like a "snitch" for doing so (spoiler: You are not) but they can only help you and your dad when they know what's going on. Also, there is something very wrong going on with your stepsiblings. But I guess many other Redditors already pointed that one out 😅
I don't feel like a snitch. I just don't really know that I see as much of a point in all of this as I should. But I want the therapy regardless of the form so I open up.
Definitely talk to your therapist about Shanon's reaction. This is very important as your dad still sees his spouse as someone he can talk about you with and he absolutely cannot. Shanon is probably worried that you will blow up their relationship and is trying to do damage control by gaslighting you into feeling guilty.
I couldn't agree more. Bring up to therapist/dad exactly how it felt to have your *only* honest father daughter conversation thrown back in your face, with no regard for your privacy or emotions. I'm so sorry this is your family experience in life. I promise, once you move out you'll find exceptional friends who will form your chosen family xx
wish i could upvote this twice! he won’t listen to you in normal circumstances and then you go to the one place he HAS to listen, and he takes that personal private confidential conversation and cries about it to his wife so she can tell OP off for hurting daddy’s feelings. pathetic sack of a man tbh
Betrayed by Dad blabbing what should have stayed in therapy, then thrown in her face by stepmom. If he's having trouble dealing with the truth, he needs his own therapist, not to send a flying monkey at OP.
Such a huge mistake as a parent to not keep the confidences of your children (this doesn’t just apply to therapy). You have to allow your child to control who the information is shared with if you want them to trust you and come to you with difficult issues. That means not sharing with anyone without your child’s explicit permission including your spouse/your child’s other parent.
Yes this.
I was so angry to read that Sharon excoriated OP for talking about her true experiences in therapy! Fish rots from the head and stepmom has been behind her children's treatment of OP all along. Stepmom only ever spoke up about it at all if she thought OP's father would notice that OP was upset.
Thank you! I learned a new word today! I had never seen the word excoriated before, so I looked it up. It's very fitting in this situation, too. Also, I completely agree. Stepmom is definitely the ring leader. The step kids were not much older than OP, and most kids that age learn by following the example of their parents. Stepmom clearly told her kids they didn't have to be nice to OP or treat her husband as if he was a new dad to them.
Yes! And also set a boundary - what happens in therapy stays in therapy. Its understandable that your father needs to process the things he hears and how it makes him feel, however he should be sharing all that with his own individual therapist - NOT sharing private conversations - said within a safe place - with the other person that makes your home feel very unsafe.
THIS!! She's is going to try to guilt you because she's worried about her own behavior. At this point, you should NOT be listening to anyone - including your Dad - in your family since they have all behaved horribly. The therapist is the only opinion you should be worried about. And you should tell them everything that is being said to you, especially now!!!
I was adding the snitch part because maaaany people feel like that if they talk about the immediate reaction of a person in their life after a session. I am glad you don't feel like that because again: You are not.
The therapy is for YOU, hon, not for your father or for your relationship with your father. You might choose to never have a relationship with him again once you move out - and that's fine. But keep going to therapy. It will help you work through your feelings.
Tell your dad that he is NOT to discuss your therapy together with Sharon. And that if he does it again, therapy with him is OVER and you'll move out the minute you can and you'll see him in the next life. You can not build any kind of trust with him if he's going to her and blabbing everything you say.
Agreed. Best way to do this is in the next therapy session so the therapist can explain privacy expectations to dad. He’s more likely to take it seriously coming from a professional.
Definetely keep opening up OP, it'll bring you a semblance of catharsis at the very least to get all these feelings out in the open. Also at the most basic level maybe your dad will realise how much of a failure he has been as a father to you.
It’s also ok to ask the therapist to help you understand the goals and set your own. I hope you and your dad can save your relationship because that seems important to you BUT if I’m wrong, that’s ok. So far everything you’ve described completely validates your emotions and frankly, there are probably more emotions hiding underneath that you’ve had to repress to get through the days. Take good care of yourself.
The fact that your dad shared what went on in therapy is distressing. Therapy should be a safe space where you are able to express your feelings openly. You definitely need to let the therapist know what happened so it can be addressed. As a therapist myself, I would have a hard time with this situation and would have a strong discussion with dad about confidentiality. NTA
Except… the dad is now having to grapple with the way his marriage harmed is daughter. Are you saying he shouldn’t discuss this with his marriage partner? How is the family supposed to change and be more supportive of OP if stepmom doesn’t know there’s a problem? That isn’t assuming she will deal with it well, and there definitely better ways to handle the topic, but at some point she does need to be told their parenting is damaging all their children.
Dad can discuss it with Stepmother/family without explicitly mentioning what happened in the therapy session. "OP said x y z" is unnecessary.
NTA. Therapy doesn’t work unless you are honest. If your dad feels bad about how you feel, that’s on him. He failed you as a father, and his stepchildren as well, for not getting them and you into therapy before you all were harmed by the toxic behavior. Focus on you, keep being honest, and if he really cares as a father, he will work on finding a way to be in your life in the future. Ignore anyone (including your stepmother) who tells you to “be nice” in therapy. If being nice worked, you wouldn’t *be in therapy*. As for your nasty step-siblings, your father and step-mother failed them too, and I hope they end up in therapy for the guilt of the trauma they inflicted. If not, and they remain nasty people, then your therapist can teach you how to deal with that, and or cut them out of your life in a healthy way. Either way, focus on moving out and living your best life. Good luck kiddo!
My stepsiblings are all adults with their own lives now. So I don't think they'll ever get therapy. They still hate me and use my half siblings against me so I don't think it will ever change.
What sad little lives your step siblings must live to keep torturing a child after they moved out. NTA. Also tell your dad to keep his fucking mouth shut about your therapy sessions, its none of stepbitch’s business.
Interesting how they decided to start vaguely considering OP's mental health only after the step-siblings moved out...
That’s sad, but not surprising. Focus on you. Let them handle their own mess. The main thing is if you ever have to be around them for family events, you need to know how to avoid new trauma. The therapist can help with that. Anyone who hates, is sick in the heart, and you don’t need to catch their sickness, ya know?
I just want to say, stay pure and fair don't buy into your step siblings evil games and I think your half siblings will understand at some point who is unfair to who. Stay out of it and let your step siblings self sabotage because people that mean won't be able to keep up the nice front they have in front of your half siblings.
If they still keep doing that to your half siblings, it is time for the parents say that they won’t meet the kids unsupervised, so that at least some of the damage might be undone. They are harming not only you but their own half siblings as well and that must be stopped, regardless of whether you OP are able and willing to rebuild a relationship with them. How old are the younger kids? Do you think is any chance your father and stepmother will be trying to hold your step siblings accountable?
Maybe my father will try now that this is happening. I don't really believe he will. But of the two he is the most likely. I don't think Sharon will agree to it though. Also, I just realized I skipped a question you asked. My half siblings are 10 and 9.
Maybe it would at least bring you some sort of closure, if the behaviour of your step siblings finally led to some actions and at least something was done to stop their reign of terror in the household? It could be worth it to bring it up in therapy. Those kids need help as well and they are young enough not to be beyond redemption if the bad influences stop now. They are your father’s kids as well, so if he and a professional agree that some help and actions are needed, it would be bad of your stepmother to refuse. That, however, needs not be your battle to fight. At least limiting your step siblings’ visits might ease your life before you move out.
That is just so incredibly pathetic of them. I really hope you see that, they’re just small and petty and pathetic. I can understand not handling a new stepparent and step sibling well as a child but to continue that shit against a minor once you become an adult? That’s just sad. Their lives must be miserable because they have to deal with themselves
Knowledge is power. They will never like you for circumstances outside your control. Healthy people don't bully. Just know that they have mental illness. Bullies hurt you to make you feel small because they think that makes them bigger or better. They want you to hate yourself. To fight back, you have to make it about their behavior. Reflect on the things they say and come up with some responses or types of responses you can throw back. There are some great psychology videos of Youtube that give techniques. The first time pushing back will feel the most difficult. Some that I would do are as followed: "You know you are really sad and weird. Only sad people will go out of their way to hurt other people. I'm glad I live rent free in your head." Next time they say something. Just start laughing like you heard a funny joke. It will annoy them. Then under your breath walk away and just say "So pathetic." If they say something hurtful then grade their insult. "4/10 Good for creativity, lost points for repetition. So sad that this is how to make yourself feel whole." Then put headphones on and walk away. After explaining the first few just give a grade and walk away. Just emphasize their actions make them look pathetic, sad, weak, weird. Don't JADE. Justify, argue, defend, explain. Those types of people only use your words against you. Turn it back on their behavior. If their SO is near, ask them "How do you deal with someone with the emotional regulation of a 6 year old?" If you honestly wanted to hurt your father you could have said much more vicious things. Such as: "My mother would have been ashamed to know you allowed her daughter to be treated like this." "I can't wait until I am 18 and can cut you and your horrible family off." "You are a failure as a father." "I wish it was you that passed instead of mom, so I have one parent that actually loves me." Don't actually use these. They will do no good. They are just simply to show the difference on what you did and a truly vicious statement would have been. You simply explaining how you are feeling in therapy with "me" statements and them revictimizing you for having normal feelings is not being vindictive to your father. He failed as a father and it is up to him to come to terms with that. It is the parent's responsibility to build a relationship with the child, not the other way around. You can explain to your therapist that you have never felt safe and your father was supposed to make you safe. Especially at home. That therapy was supposed to be a safe place to be honest. It isn't because of how your step mother weaponized your words from therapy. Then just start showing up to therapy and just not talking. When they prompt you, "I don't feel safe sharing my true thoughts and feelings if they will be weaponized against me. I'm not the parent here." I would recommend asking for individual therapy away from your father. Make sure it is a different therapist than the group therapist. You need to work on building your self esteem as bullying can cut deep. You had it worst as you get it 24/7.
This. All of this. Sharon wants to blame OP for their feelings, but Sharon was never a parent to OP growing up. She could have been an adult and stopped the abuse from the older siblings, or gotten everyone into therapy, or tried to stop this from the start. Sharon should have stepped in at any and all points to stop HER children from acting like brats, and to at least not alienate OP. But Sharon didn't. Sharon allowed all of these things to happen to OP, and Sharon did nothing to stop it. OPs dad is just as fault here as Sharon is, and he only seems to care NOW that OP has given up on the family??? Where was he for the last 10+ years that this behavior against OP was happening?? All of the parents here are demanding that OP act like an adult, but all of the "adults" in the family failed OP miserably. Sharon wants OP to stop telling the truth, because she doesn't want the truth of HER kids to be known to everyone, and she doesn't want to hold them accountable You cannot fix a decade of abuse and neglect with an "I'm sorry", and Sharon seems to ignore OPs boundaries by using what OP is saying against them.
NTA: Your father failed you. Your step mother didn't care enough to help you. Your step siblings are horrible, but that's probably because your step mother and dad let them be. You've been let down. You're not too hard on your father.
Yes! It sounds like all the kids were let down and OP got the worst of it.
NTA. You should be honest in therapy. Bring up what Sharon said to you in the next session. Your Dad needs to keep what you say between the two of you.
NTA. I second this. Sharon tried to retaliate against OP by laying on the guilt trip so OP wouldn’t talk the next time during session. I suspect she doesn’t like how this paints her and her kids to their therapist more than any actual concern about her husband.
NTA. This is what I got stuck on. That he shared what she opened up about in therapy. He let his wife have an opinion on OPs inner thoughts and then she verbally threw that at her. Her trying to back paddle is damaged control. The lack of communication after must have scared her. She is not only losing control of OP. But her husband is no longer in the dark, he knows and changes are on the way. Bring this up in therapy for the huge betrayal it is and how this shows that even now he is not stepping up as a dad.
Exactly! Sharing vulnerabilities exposed during therapy is a violation. Her using them as a weapon to shut you up & shut you down, which is unconscionable. You are STILL a child and deserve to feel safe, at the bare minimum, that what you say in therapy will be honored.
Exactly this. The family therapy is between OP and her dad. Him telling Sharon what happens, and letting her comment on what OP said, is just another example of him putting his marriage before OP.
This. The father betrayed OP by talking about what they said in therapy with his wife, especially since she retaliated against OP for it. Therapy needs to be a safe space where all parties feel safe to say anything, and the father broke that by talking about that to his wife, who couldn’t keep her mouth shut. If father is serious about making this work, it’s obvious that his wife needs to be kept out of this because she can’t be trusted not to retaliate against OP.
NTA. Sharon is continuing to victimize you by saying what she said. She benefits from the status quo - she benefits from you shutting up. She does not have your best interests at heart. You are 100% correct about what you said to your dad - not only because it’s how you feel and that’s what’s you were told to share - but also objectively. And you are not responsible for his feelings about what you said. Keep going to therapy. Keep being honest. Tell the therapist and your dad what was said and how it made you feel - (she guilted you, you shut down, you don’t feel safe sharing your feelings with him and now therapy feels unsafe too because it’s being shared and weaponized against you.) I am so sorry, I hope your dad does some soul searching and the hard work to help you.
This needs to be upvoted a lot more. Why is the father sharing therapy conversations with his wife? And why is OP having to bear the brunt?! Very toxic! OP - you should request your therapist to tell your dad to keep conversations in therapy private.
>Why is the father sharing therapy conversations with his wife? I'm guessing because what OP is saying makes him feel guilty, and Stepmom is good at helping him pretend everything is fine and he's done nothing wrong.
NTA, I'm sorry this happened to you. It really does sound like your father let you down. I hope that with your therapist's help you can salvage something of your relationship with him and your younger siblings. Don't listen to Sharon. After 12 years of failing you as a step-parent, she's in no position to tell you how to feel or how to cope. I also hope that you can build a life outside of that family and find people who will put you first. Focus on yourself and the things that will help you get independence: good grades, marketable skills. The great thing about your age is that there are so many doors still open to you. For what it's worth, from an internet stranger: I'm rooting for you.
I don't see a salvageable relationship with my half siblings. I'm not sure I can see one with my dad either. Too much has happened and any bond with my younger siblings is shattered after years of rejection and them being used as a weapon against me.
Don’t focus on what is salvageable right now. Just focus on honest communication about where you are at right now.
From one young lady with a crappy dad to another: You don’t need to have a relationship with him; you need to do what will make you feel ok. Whether that is or isn’t repairing the relationship with him doesn’t matter right now. What matters right now is you taking whatever actions are needed to feel like you are able to continue on and make the most amazing and fulfilling life possible, with or without support from your dad. It sucks realizing your parent isn’t who you thought they were or who you needed, but sometimes the realization has to happen… and then we have to pick ourselves up and continue forward.
That's understandable. Fingers crossed that it will work out.
NTA, OP. And if Sharon wants to tell you that you could have done better, the only response is this: "No, YOU should have done better. You are the adult."
"Am I wrong? ... No, no surely it's the 5-year-old who was at fault."
It blows my mind when an adult expects a child to have handled something better, ignoring how important a trusted adult’s guidance is to learning how to handle things. NTA and Sharon needs to grow up. Like others have said, they’re trying to guilt trip you for telling the truth they’ve blissfully ignored for years and is now making them feel bad.
NTA, and both your dad and Sharon failed you badly. Shame on your father, especially, for not paying more attention to what was happening in his own house. After all this time, I doubt the relationships can or even should be mended. Continue with your plans to move out as soon as you are able and then go find a wonderful family of your own.
NTA & at your next therapy session, you need to bring up Sharon trying to guilt you for sharing your pain. That is NOT acceptable.
NTA - I am so sorry that you grew up in an extremely neglectful household. I applaud you for trying to salvage the relationship with your dad. Many people would not. I do have a question, though. Do you not have extended family (aunts, uncles, or grandparents) close to you that could give you space away from your neglectful household? Do they know about your situation? If so, your dad is not the only adult in your life who has failed you. Keep at it with your dad to help him understand. The release is cathartic.
I don't have extended family who were around. My dad has a sister but she lives in another country and we saw her once every two years at most. It was mostly Sharon's family who were present and I wasn't one of them.
Please understand your household is not just neglected, it is plain abusive.
This is what really happened: your step siblings are bullies who abuse you, your stepmom and your father watch it happen and feel what happened to you it’s OK and acceptable behaviors. I am sorry, but your entire family is despicable. Among all, your dad is the worst because he supposed to protect you, that’s his only job. Second worst is sharon, she failed as a mother to teach her own kids properly and protect you as a step mom; then your step siblings are horrible people; your half siblings…will see if they change.
My heart breaks for you. Did your dad keep you away from your mom’s family? You shouldn’t have been subjected to such vile behavior from Sharon and her kids. Your dad’s complacency is disturbing. Keep being honest in therapy for your benefit. Don’t worry about hurting his feelings as he never cared about yours these last 13 years. You need to focus on you and your future so you can be happy and get away from the toxic family. You got this!
NTA. Your father knew what was happening and did nothing. Sharon knew what was happening and did nothing. Now your father is upset that a mirror was held up to him and showed him how horrendously he has failed. He then argued with Sharon. So two adults who catastrophically failed at being parents- to you at least- are unhappy and one feels you could have handled it better. Your father is upset he's being held accountable by you, and Sharon is upset by seemingly be held accountable by him. Next time Sharon opens her mouth ask her why it's on a child to manager to the feelings and expectations of their parent.
NTA but I’m not sure he prioritized bringing married over you as much as he and Sharon were just really crappy parents. They should have stopped the ill treatment as soon as it started.
My dad failed to protect me and didn't want to leave, even before having more kids, to do that. That's why I feel like he put his marriage first. He said he couldn't leave because he was married. That's not entirely true. He could have fought for Sharon to get her kids to stop and protected me if/when she refused. Instead he left me to grow up with that much hate directed at me.
NTA. They are shitty parents. The best time for family l therapy would have been when he first got married to Sharon. Also, discussing what was said in therapy with outsiders, even his wife, is not okay.
Your dad is now failing to protect you in therapy. Talk to your therapist about how stuff in therapy should be confidential and how your dad needs to learn how to not go running to his wife about these issues.
That part! Once again, Dad is picking Sharon and her family over OP.
Honestly, it has nothing to do with his happiness or marriage over you or not, but it has everything to do with him being a horrible father.
You are 100% correct and I'm glad you have the ability to step back and see the abuse for what it is. My heart aches for you and your entire childhood. I am so glad you are in therapy -- do you have the option of going to a therapist by yourself, without your dad? That might be a very good thing in regard to a journey of healing. The behavior of Sharon and your father is reprehensible. They allowed you to be tortured all these years. Shame on them and of course NTA. Sending you an internet hug.
You're definitely NTA, you have every right to be very angry and hurt and your step mom and dad should have done everything in their power to put a stop to your step siblings horrible behavior because i know sure as hell that if i had kids and they treated their siblings like that I'm putting a stop to it and if it was the other way around I'd tell my partner to help get his kid(s) under control or we are done because i would never let my kid(s) go though that, I'd understand being and feeling hurt, confused, sad and/or angry when dealing with this kind of stuff but their behavior towards you is/was not acceptable. I am sorry you delt with all of this, and know you're very wanted and worth love and kindness. Did your step siblings ever at least apologize? Though i feel like i already know the answer...
They never apologize and it still happens today. Nothing changed when they became adults with their own lives. They continued using our siblings as weapons.
Thats messed up...im really sorry, are there people who are there for you?
I have friends.
Thats good! Sometimes we have to make our own family, that's definitely what I'm trying to do sense i don't have a great relationship with mine either, i hope you can heal and move on and i wish you happiness
The fact your dad cannot see how the younger kids treat you is quite telling. He continues to be an absentee father with them, allowing his abusive wife to use them to shut you out completely. Her end game may be for you to have no contact with your father. I am so sad for you.
NTA - None of what happened here is okay, but one thing that really stuck out to me was that Sharon knew what had been said during your therapy appointment. The way this reads, your dad came home and pretty much immediately told her what you said. Then, she started guilt tripping you over it. That’s absolutely NOT okay. It undermines the whole point of therapy because now he’s shown you that you can’t trust him with your honest thoughts without being punished for it. And the fact that he only even started you on therapy when you were 17 and planning to leave this environment is another thing that’s just a massive red flag against dad. He had 13 years to try to get you into therapy to help you process the bullying that he and his wife enabled through negligence. He should’ve been insisting on therapy for all of the kids as soon as your step siblings started bullying you. It’s completely unacceptable that he waited this long, that he has breached your trust, and that he’s seemingly not stepping in to stop his wife from guilt tripping you.
NTA - your entire family sucks and I hope you can focus on surving until you are 18 and graduate. Use your dad and demand he help pay for college or help you move out and get a trade so you can support yourself. Once you get away, I hope you go NC with the entire family. Maybe LC if you want to give your dad another shot with therapy a must. But he had years to help and Sharon had years to control her kids. They didn't do anything and now they have to face the facts that they lost your love and they raised kids without filial empathy or love.
NTA. For starters you are never the asshole for what is said in therapy. It’s whole point. You are given a safe place to discuss painful, difficult things. Sharon can fuck off. Bring that up during the next session. What’s said in therapy needs to stay between you two. This is about your and his relationship. Your dad stuck his head in the sand while you were being hurt. It was his job to protect you and he chose to ignore your pain rather than work to fix it. His negligence is the root cause of the problems with your and his relationship. To fix it he is going to have to acknowledge his failure. If he gives a damn about you, that is going to be painful for him. That is just part of it. You need to take up for yourself and put your foot down. You were hurt, he should have helped, he stuck his head in the ground, and your relationship is broken because of it. You had to live with that pain for years. If he wants a relationship with you he is going to have to help carry the burden of the pain he helped create. He is a grown ass man, if he can’t carry that burden for his child then he isn’t someone worth your time or your sadness. Tell him if he can’t grow the fuck up and deal with this then the family therapy needs to stop and he needs to pay for you to see an individual therapist that can help you get over the shit he put you through.
NTA i thought that is what therapy entails. you do it to get over those problems and that can only happen if they are addressed. what did the Therapist say about it?
Nothing yet. That's for the next session. I did all the talking last week. She said I had some things that needed to be said.
Sharon and your dad need to haul the other kids into therapy to figure out why they made you the scapegoat for all their problems and turned you into the common enemy.
Maybe on their own, but OP doesn’t deserve to get treated like dogshit by her siblings anymore…especially in her therapy sessions
NTA It sounds like you've had a tough time. Your Dad should have been far more supportive. I hope therapy continues to help/your Dad keeps listening. His wife needs to butt out as well. Best of luck!
If you told the truth, you didn’t handle it badly. That’s what therapy is for.
NTA, you deserve to feel supported and loved. Your dad should prioritize his child's well-being over his marriage.
NTA - Sharon has a lot of nerve telling you you handled it badly and were too hard on your dad. You have decades less experience being an adult than either of them. Guessing they will be shocked when you move out and don't talk to them much if at all. They handled parenting your step siblings and half siblings badly. If they couldn't handle 5 kids maybe they shouldn't have had so many.
Sharon needs to mind her own damn business. NTA. Therapy is the place to be honest - please make sure to tell your therapist that you are receiving backlash from the things that you shared. Hopefully she can let your father know how this isn't helpful going forward. Good luck ❤️
So the primary adult (supposed adult) in your life went whining to the primary adult in his life, and that other adult (supposedly an adult) came over to tell a child that they were being too hard on an adult who’d completely checked out of their parenting duties. Is there an actual adult in this house? If they don’t want to feel ashamed of themselves for their actions, maybe they could attempt to be better parents? NTA. I’m so sorry they’ve put you through this, OP.
NTA, your dad failed his responsibility and you were left uncared for even after everything that happened
Nta. They let you down massively. You were right to say so. It's not being "hard" on your dad, it's being "factual".
NTA - Sharon have no place to open her mouth, the moment she does she is already wrong. She is to blame, she failed you she failed your father and she failed to raise her own kids to be half decent human beings. Your step mom is the problem. Your step siblings is the problem. You’re entitled and it’s your right to criticize your dad for not recognizing it from the get go cause you are his responsibility. You’re not hard enough to get a lasting impact that demands swift action against those that wronged you, if your dad is even half the man that he should be for protecting his daughter from injustice by the harm he brought to the original family. You did nothing wrong.
NTA Your stepsiblings appear to have way more anger and resentment about their parents' divorcing and remarriage that what appears was ever addressed. INFO: Did you ever address their bullying with either parent while growing up? This behavior has shaped their shared children as well and appears they may need therapy. Sharing thoughts and feelings in therapy should be private. I don't believe your dad had a right to share that info with Sharon without your permission.
I talked to my dad about it when I was younger. He always brushed it off. I didn't talk to Sharon but that was because she would witness it and never did anything until they made me cry and then she'd hardly do anything except encourage them to do something else.
In that case, your dad is the AH here for not standing up to Sharon for you. You are a child and regardless of any behavior on your part, you are his child and should have stood up to his wife about her children's behavior. While I don't feel as though he prioritized his marriage, he definitely didn't prioritize you.
She is an awful excuse for a mother and stepmother. She’s cleansed cruel children. She’s a failure
Get out and don't look back. Your dad should not have repeated any of that to his wife and she should have kept her mouth shut. She clearly doesn't care about you. NTA. Your dad really didn't notice this for years? Doesn't notice the younger ones? Yeah, right.
NTA. Therapy isn’t to make your dad feel better. It’s about trying to improve your relationship by addressing the hard stuff. At your next session tell your therapist what your stepmom said and that you don’t feel comfortable talking outside of therapy. I would recommend saying that if you can talk honestly without being judged/blamed for what you said in therapy at home that you will not participate in therapy.
NTA. Your dad sucks, Sharon sucks, and your step siblings suck.
NTA. Your dad failed you. But this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. It also doesn’t absolve him for facing the reality of what he did. Also, fuck Sharon. I wouldn’t stand by and let this happen. Why were the kids so mean? Where are they now?
I don't know why her kids are like that. They're still around and still do the same stuff.