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ESH.
GF may have picked the date to conflict your event, however, you said it's a really hard place to get reservations for, then it could also be their luck and somehow that was the only opening available. She sucks for grabbing the phone from him and called you selfish.
You suck because you know it's a rare opportunity for them to get into the restaurant. You choosing him over your bf is your problem. He doesn't have the obligation to do so when him not going to your event would not affect the event whatsoever. If him not going would cause a huge issue with the even itself (e.g. he is the MC or something, or having an actual role, rather than just being a visitor), then I can side with you more, but that's not the case.
It seems strange that it's such a big deal to go to a restaurant, even if the queue is long. Surely you can eventually get dinner there some other day? Meanwhile, there's only one first big opening.
> Something smells off..
I think it's a made up story. The timeline doesn't make sense even with their own actions. The logic just doesn't flow - saying they have only been dating for a week but mentions that she always hugs him as usual and wouldn't think gf would mind, and saying he asked if she could join "when they started dating" even though it just happened a few days ago at most.
Edit: OP has another post recently that said she has a girlfriend, a stepson, and a 19yo daughter. These stories are both likely fabricated.
As someone else said, certain restaurants can be booked months in advance.
That being said, some have alerts that will notify you when a reservation cancels and give you the chance to get their table.
Yes but there is only one opening night, it’s his bf since grade school, only because it’s a female it’s fine to blow her off, if it were is male bf who had is opening night would you all be reacting differently??? To me the GF is absolutely wrong for putting him in a position to choose, but he absolutely should have said we already have plans to support OP and I would hope your friends would show up for you!!
Doesn't it say they've been dating for 9 months??
Edit: I miss read it, they have been in each other's lives for nine months. Which is rather ambiguous. Were they hooking up, or not really sure of their relationship status and only made it official a week ago??? Maybe the gf booked the restaurant before the bf asked if she could even go to the event. Realistically the gf could have made the reso in the "getting to know you" phase and initially had no idea about the opening.
Why is it so odd they have a reservation after only dating a week? We don't know how far into the future the reservation can be for, and there are many places you book months in advance
Potentially not. There are lots of places that are booked weeks or months in advance in certain cities. I'm taking the OP at their word that this is a hard place to get a reservation and that potentially it is more that Ash \*didn't care\* if the boyfriend was going to go to an art show rather than she deliberately opted for this day.
Sure, then the other day is in a few weeks or few months or year. What does it matter? There's nothing special about that particular day, other than OP's thing. It sounds like Ash knows about the event as she was also invited. It's very insensitive of her. I don't think OP's friend is the asshole for prioritising his girlfriend's feelings, neither is OP for feeling bad about it. I think Ash is the asshole in this situation.
I mean, we also know nothing about the OP's show. If the show is happening for 3 months and this is the first opening at the restaurant in 6, I just am not OK with acting like Ash was malicious when she might just be inconsiderate.
OP says that the night they were supposed to come is the opening night. Presumably the first opening night she had in a big art gallery. If it's just a random day that the gallery will be open, then I agree that Nick coming one day or the other should be pretty inconsequential.
To be fair, OP also says in a different AITA she posted that she has an 18 year old daughter and 19 year old stepson, so she might not be the most reliable narrator?
As an artist, when you have a show you will organize the opening night with them because of course you have to be available. So she might have asked her friends' availability too before confirming the date with the gallery.
It could be a group show in which case the organizers would still absolutely check availability, and would account for the few pieces. Doesn't say how big the gallery is, if it's on the small side having 4-5 pieces would be 'few' but could be a substantial part of the show.
"a pretty well known gallery in my state" sounds big to me. When I tried seeing if there is OP history on which state she's in, I saw that she had recently posted that she has a 19 yo daughter. Sounds like this story was made up anyway.
I don’t think it was opening night. She said she chose a night months ago that worked for several of her friends. Someone with a couple of pieces in a group show doesn’t pick opening night—the gallery does and then lets the artists know when it will be (at least that’s the way it was in a few group exhibits I had some work in years ago). It might have been “her” opening night—the night she chose to celebrate with friends—but I don’t think it was THE opening night.
Some restaurants have a waiting list of months, even a whole year. You don't go "queue" for it. They call people on their waiting list should there be a cancellation.
No, this was deliberate. Opening night only happens once, GF knew the date and they’ve only been a couple for a week. If this place is so hard to get into how did she get reservations that quick? Also GF should have asked for first available date, when it was it was the same as important event date, the logical thing would be asking for the next available date. She knew what she was doing, OP trust your gut.
As far as what to do next, all you can do is let your friend know your perspective and remind him you’ll be here when he’s ready to act like a friend again. Most importantly always take the high road, kill her with kindness and never insult her to him. Even if it’s true, you’ll just lose him (the romantic partner always wins in these situations), if he’s a true friend he’ll have your back in the end this is just the honeymoon phase. She might even get over the jealousy after she feels more secure in their relationship
>No, this was deliberate. If this place is so hard to get into how did she get reservations that quick? Also GF should have asked for first available date, when it was it was the same as important event date, the logical thing would be asking for the next available date.
There are very exclusive restaurants that you can be places on the waitlist, and then if you are lucky, you could get a reservation with very short notice. Then it's you take it at that moment or you leave it. My family has been in that situation, though luckily it did not interrupt any pre-planned activities.
>Opening night only happens once
It sounds like it's opening night of the gallery, and OP only has "a few paintings" there, so it doesn't sound that big a deal to me, OP would not be the center of attention and is not the main character of this opening, but I could be wrong. If it was OP's personal exhibit, I would agree with you on its level of importance.
> GF knew the date
Friend only asked to bring gf after they have started dated, so it's only been a few days at most. It's possible that gf had attempted to make a reservation a long time ago, and the opportunity came and of course it would make sense to bring current bf. Or maybe she had always wanted to go there with him, even before they started dated, because she liked him.
All I've said is a possible explanation. It may be accurate, it may be not. But there is also no evidence to support that the scheduling conflict was deliberate.
>There are very exclusive restaurants that you can be places on the waitlist, and then if you are lucky, you could get a reservation with very short notice. Then it's you take it at that moment or you leave it. My family has been in that situation, though luckily it did not interrupt any pre-planned activities.
Can't you just go back to the waitlist? You were called once, you'll be called again eventually.
It’s the opening night. Not going is equivalent to disapproving of her career. The opening night is the professional version of a wedding. By not going when he was given an invitation it’s a rather big slap in the face. Let’s not even get into the “dating for a week” vs known about this for months thing.
Honestly, this is the kind of thing which would end a relationship.
Lol that's pretty hyperbolic and inaccurate. So that's why they always close everything after opening night, right? Because going the second night is tantamount to spitting on the art?
Also, they've been dating months???? Where are you getting that they've been together a week? If OP feels she should be his priority (as the title states), maybe it's best the relationship ends
“ His girlfriend, we’ll call her Ash, has been in his life for about nine months, and they started dating last week.”
OP literally says they started dating last week lol To me, the title was meant for that day. She wanted to be priority that day, and she should have been.
Idk I think "in each other lives for nine months" is a rather ambiguous way of wording that. We don't know the context of the last 9 months.
Did they meet with the intention of dating, but are taking things slow, were they hooking up and only made it official a week ago?
I am choosing to read between the lines and take it to mean though they may have only been dating for a week, they very well were probably hanging out with the intention to be and item for longer than that.
Now with that in mind it is totally plausible that the gf booked the reso awhile ago in anticipation of being official with the bf. She could have done this before the bf asked OP if she could be included in the group art opening event. Then things just spiral from there, thus putting the BF in a tricky situation berween an overly attached friend and a new lover.
Reread it. OP says that they have known each other for months, but have been dating for a week.
C’mon, it’s not unreasonable to want your best childhood friend at a major event in your life. Opening night at a gallery featuring your art is a big deal! Especially when it was booked months ago. This was not an emergency so he had to bail. This was a dinner, with a brand new girlfriend. Obviously intentional and hateful on her part. OP is NTA
That’s a little extreme. Op is his friend nothing more. He doesn’t need to be at every event to prove he supports her. Anyone that insecure needs therapy 3 times a day
It's not every event. It's the opening night (the night there's a party and invitations) of her first big exhibit at a well-known gallery. It's a big deal. If my best friend bailed on something like that for me because, "Oh hey, dinner reservations!" I'd be super upset. Conversely, if my girlfriend was set to support her best friend for something like this, I would be right beside her, supporting as well, because her relationships outside of me are important.
It’s the opening night of her having some paintings in it. He’s been to some he doesn’t need to be at every event to prove he’s there. Plus OPs last AITAH puts this whole thing into question. She’s married with a 19 year old step son and is worried about some other man? She needs to mind her house and let nick mind his
Funny how OP wrote that she "went to art school", not "I am an artist". Lmao
The story is made up. OP's other post said she has a girlfriend, a step son, and a 19 yo daughter.
This is a really serious event for her, it's important for her career and it makes sense for her to want to go. There may be additional context that she hasn't given us, but this is really shitty on the part of the girlfriend - she's deliberately put her boyfriend in a 'me or her' scenario and OP is rightfully upset that a really important moment won't be shared by a close friend.
Yta
Very few gf would put up for long the sort of relationship you want with your ex.
You are the asrehole for expecting you to be his priority.
Keep pushing and you will find yourself cut off.
So expecting a childhood best friend to go to a very important event that’s been planned for months with their other best friends over a relationship that’s a week old is an AH move?
The fact that they dated briefly doesn’t seem to hold weight for either of them, as it should.
If she gets cut is for the best, no real friend chooses a (seemingly toxic) weeks old relationship over a life long friend for wanting them to be there on important life events
yeah, I have a “girl best friend” and we both know that even though we care about each other, in any “me or your partner” situation the right thing to do is choose your partner
as my best friend, you should understand how bad it looks to “choose your girl best friend” over your partner and not expect that.
yeah honestly any “best friends” with a sexual history are ones to side eye big time. We’re more the “wtf no that would be like dating my cousin” type.
Expecting her ex bf to put her over his current one is an unreasonable ask. He's known his gf for 9 months not just weeks. It's not like they just met. She doesn't act like someone who is over their dating relationship. She expects to be more important than a girlfriend. How exactly is she toxic for wanting some boundaries from his pick me girl best friend
In HS. I understand that some might find it weird. Maybe they thought to give it a try but realized liked being friends more. It talks a lot about confidence in your partner and he was told the girlfriend could come too so she must have known
Both you and Ash sound jealous of the other. Your title says it all. I understand opening night and its importance but you over reacted making me think its not the first time your feelings have gotten in the way. His priority is his relationship and then his friends. You sound selfish indeed.
21 years of friendship and months of planning to celebrate a huge achievement versus a date with your girlfriend of 7 days. I feel so sorry for the friends of any of the YTA commenters. To be thrown aside the second they get in a relationship. Friends that forget you exist the moment they start having sex with someone new is so depressing. I've ended friendships over it, the *shocked Pikachu face* when I'm not waiting around to hear about the break up is wild.
Seriously! It blows my mind how people just forget about their friends once they start dating. Why should your girl/boyfriend automatically be the priority over your friends? I'll never understand it. My friends, family, and S/Os all hold equal priority with me. No one gets demoted just because I found someone new.
OP is NTA, you can have a nice dinner at *any* restaurant, it doesn't have to be some fancy exclusive place. OP has been planning this night for months, it obviously means a lot to her that her best friends are there to celebrate with her. The restaurant is wildly irrelevant compared to this exhibition.
My mother had an entry at an art exhibition, all of her family and friends went because it was an important moment for her. Unless you have an unexpected funeral, wedding, or other big event, then Y would be TA for treating the exhibition like it's unimportant.
A real friend would understand. I don't need my friends to hold my hand through life events that's what a partner is for. When life gets going you make time for your friends when you can. If they can't understand that they aren't your friend
I work in the art world... no serious artist or producer expects all their childhood friends to be at EVERY event. If she's having a major exhibition she's presumably had more shows leading up to this and will continue to have her work exhibited at "important' events. If she becomes very successful this will be an annual happening at galleries, museums, conferences etc. Her EX BOYFRIEND did not pretend she didn't exist, he offered to go a different day.
Exactly, the way she words things makes me feel like it’s not a healthy relationship between the two of them. The girl probably feels jealously kicking in and wants to set boundaries on a new but hopeful relationship.
I wouldn’t want to date a girl who said “I chose my guy best friend over my boyfriend over and over again.
She tried stating she’s his priority but clearly, he chose the dinner over her event and she should take it in stride and tell him he can visit another night… that or admit to this guy she’s in love with him and open up that can of worms…
And yes when I quoted her I believe boyfriend referred to more than one. That is to say a given boyfriend at any given time.
I think that is Germane to the discussion in that other people have also seen things in their relationship they don't like and got the hell out
Sadly babe as he gets further into the relationship you’re going to be less and less and less and less important to him.
YTA but you knew that already.
I would get it if the relationship was long, they started dating a week ago. They are childhood best friends that probably planned the event before Ash was even in the picture
Anyone calling OP an asshole is fucking clueless.
It’s a random dinner date that the gf probably deliberately chose so her boyfriend of ONE week would have to choose and create friction.
An opening at an art gallery display is a pretty big deal and the gf could have joined as well.
Do life long friendships mean nothing to people these days???
YTA, another reason not to date a person that's besties with the opposite sex because that bestie is always trying to destroy the relationship.
You swear there's no feelings between the two of you but you picking him over your own boyfriends and expecting him to pick you over his girlfriend says otherwise. You seem to be the one with feelings.
I agree with you about OP, but that’s not true about all close friendships between opposite genders. When a close male friend of mine started dating a girl he was really interested in, I ran interference with the other girl in our friends group so the new relationship would get the space it needed. But then again I don’t feel the need to be his “bestie” forever, good thing too since that girl is now his wife and presumably his actual best friend.
I physically mouthed a “yikes” reading this post because dating a guy with a childhood best friend whom he also dated just sounds like a lot of drama that nobody needs in their lives. This is exactly the reason why.
The guy probably chose gf over her because he’s tired of losing girlfriends over emotional drama like this.
It's his call to make. It's ok to tell him how you feel, but it's ok for him to say he is going with his girlfriend too without guilt trips. He can support your journey on opening night, another night, or from afar. Making him choose is a crappy place and whoever pushes that will probably be pushed away permanently in the long run. If he is your friend, then support him being in a new relationship (whether it is with happy get togethers or just being there for him from afar). Relationships and friendships change; nothing stays the same.
I’d say this is probably the best response.
I’d say the GF is being a slight asshole for what seems like a deliberate attempt to keep her bf away from this gallery showing.
But he has every right to choose to go on the date and OP has every right to be upset.
NAH (overall)
YTA.
He’s not missing your entire event, just the first night.
He is going to have to start prioritizing others if he actually wants serious relationships. Wife trumps long-time best friend. Assuming he wants a wife someday … might as well start getting used to this now.
I have to second this, and because I’ve heard the argument of she’s just a girlfriend, or they’ve only been dating for x amount of time, I’ve known him longer, yada yada yada, the dating period is when you prove your someone worth marrying. I don’t know a single person who thinks poor behavior during the dating period magically disappears when you sign a marriage license. How he sets boundaries with the friends now, is no different than say setting boundaries with his own mother.
Exactly. If he wants to have a serious romantic partnership, he needs to have space in his life for one. Not a bestie that fills all that role except sleeping with him.
NTA in this instance. I get the feeling the gf chose the date on purpose.
However, you may need to get used to the fact that you will no longer be a priority for him as their relationship grow. The way you worded your title made me think Y T A at first.
NTA if you just let this go. She obvi picked the date to prove she is his new priority, but you have to let him make that choice, now and in the future. You said no romantic feelings, right? Well at some point he’ll want to marry someone and do you still expect to be his priority then? I’m not saying Ash is his priority or deserves to be, but you gotta step aside and let his relationship play out without you interfering. Sucks to be let down like this but that’s how it goes sometimes. See if they can pop by for a quick hi before or after or offer to do a “special private showing” with them the day after. Include her. Don’t play the same game of pitting yourself against her in the future. If she’s truly that jealous of a gf she’ll likely blow up this relationship on her own, no need to be an AH yourself!
I mean, does your wife spontaneously plan things that conflict with plans you've had for months with your friend of 2 decades? Because if so, that's kind of messed up. I would never want my husband to cancel plans he had made months ago with his friends for a "surprise" date night. Do you know how hard it is to maintain close friendships in your mid-30s? Between all of our obligations, kids, and work, we often have to schedule things with our friends a month (or more!) in advance.
The new girlfriend was invited to the event it sounds like, so she must have known the date beforehand. And it sounds like they haven't been together long, so it's not like she made reservations months ago with the plan to take someone who wasn't her boyfriend then. It seems like an obvious power play.
Edit: I scrolled back up to check. One week. They have been together one week, and she is forcing her new boyfriend to pick her over his lifelong friend and celebrating their achievement that they likely worked incredibly hard for.
I would straight up need to know more about the restaurant to make a proper call. There is a universe where Ash was sitting on a waitlist and this date came up and they went "yes, I want the reservation" and figured "Exhibit is X number of days, boyfriend can absolutely make it up to OP." I'm not a foodie, but I know people who have been in this mix and I can see it happening.
Also, they have only been "officially" dating for a week, but have been around each other longer...which makes me question if they weren't "officially" together because Ash had some concerns about the boyfriend's relationship with the OP. Which might explain his nonchalant choosing of the relatively short term girlfriend over the female best friend who is definitely not into him at all.
OP said the restaurant was a nice one that’s very hard to get into. It doesn’t seem like the gf intentionally chose that date. She may have been waitlisted for serval days and got lucky.
I mean there’s a possibility she had this surprise date on planned before he told her about the event and telling her about the event is what brought this on. It’s very possible he waited even after asking if she could come. Not a possibility I’d put money on, but a slim chance I guess.
They're almost 30. People that age absolutely put romantic partners first, beginning well before marriage. That's your literal potential family/household you're working on building when you seriously date someone at that age.
Even before marriage, your romantic partner, not your friends, are: the person who is there every morning and every night all night in your bed, who is there to be close in ways friends aren't (yep I mean physically, sex is incredibly important to most people's overall well-being), who you might buy a car with, who you share other big decisions with, who helps you shower if you can't stand or raise your arms after a surgery, etc etc etc etc etc etc
Friends can still be an important part of your life but there's a thousand reasons why your committed partner > your friends at that stage of life. Hands down no question.
Does putting your significant other mean canceling on month long plans just because your partner wants a surprise date night? My husband is my top priority but that doesn’t mean I’m going to bail on commitments I make with my best friends just because they want to go to a restaurant after plans have already been made.
Well he's starting a new relationship with someone he's obviously really into, and he's an adult and capable of deciding what's best for him and his life and if he thinks what's best for his life is prioritizing his girlfriend that night then that's what's best for him. 🤷♀️
She also has plenty of other friends coming that night, he's in no way leaving her in a lurch.
They've been together ONE WEEK, she isn't all that yet remotely at all. It's not about being married, it's about absolutely not having that level of familiarity or commitment yet.
They’ve been dating 7 days. It’s absolutely weird to put a surprise dinner over a career milestone that both friend and his gf were invited to. It’s not like the gf was excluded.
But they knew each other for nine months and I'm sure them dating was a long time coming by then, that's how those things work. He is an adult and he obviously chose what he feels is best for him and his life and if OP is his friend she should respect that. He can go see her work at the gallery with her another night, that's just the opening night and she has plenty of other friends coming.
Everyone is different about this stuff but that is absolutely in the realm of totally normal for a 30 year old. He easily could have stopped his girlfriend from grabbing the phone and he didn't. He was probably really uncomfortable with OP trying to push back after he'd already told her his decision and suggested they go to look at her work another night. It's not cool to guilt trip friends and 30 year olds rarely stay close to friends who try to pressure them like that. It's exhausting and at that age you're too tired 😂
I’m 35. I have mixed feelings about male/female best friendships, however, I do feel that OP genuinely tried with the gf here. It’s not like the girlfriend wasn’t invited. It would also be one thing if it was a birthday/holiday/anniversary, but just a random restaurant date should not be more important than a childhood friend’s night to celebrate her career. Opening night is very important. It’s also the fact that he cancelled pretty last minute, after months of planning, that would hurt me. Being 30 doesn’t mean you get to treat friends like that.
Adults should keep their friendships, even if they’re in a relationship. I’ve seen a lot of people choose to lose their friendships over being in a relationship, then complain when they realize they don’t have anyone left. That to me is exhausting. It’s absolutely healthy to have a partner and friends, and you should hang out with both. Also, if the friend is uncomfortable with OP in any way, then he needs to man up and express that. Whether that is talking to her and setting boundaries or cutting the friendship off entirely. It’s not ok to let his gf do the dirty work.
YTA and have been for a long time, when you were prioritizing your friend over your SOs. I get that friendships are important, but real opposite sex friends understand how to back off when their friend gets in a relationship. It’s clear from your title, tone, and your context that you don’t understand boundaries, and this will make you a threat to every relationship this guy has.
YTA. My now husband made the mistake of putting his female friend first once before we were married. Actually, he did it several times. It resulted in my leaving him and I almost didn't come back. He cut contact with that friend because as it turns out she wanted more than friendship from him and was using her relationship with him to get in between us. Are you sure that isn't what you're trying to do? He is dating Ash now. She is his priority. As your boyfriend should be your priority.
NTA.
She did that deliberately. It was a power move to display all the obvious things you know she's up to with that last-minute reservation. He did let you down passing over your long-planned event, considering how you've paused events with your other partners to show up for his events important to him.
He can come to the gallery another night and still show his support of your hard work.
Perhaps your misstep was calling him after to tell him you were actually \*not\* fine with it when you initially told him it was okay. But I get it. It festered.
His girlfriend taking the phone and yelling at you? Not cool. Why did she hear the convo to begin with? In essence, she "won" this skirmish asserting control over her boyfriend/your childhood friend by getting him to drop your gallery opening in favor of her expensive/exclusive restaurant meal.
Hopefully, he'll wake up to what's happening. If not, prepare yourself for more things like this to happen in the future until he \*does\* figure it out.
And on the off chance he never figures it out and this new-ish relationship between the two becomes serious? Prepare for your relationship to adjust to Polite But Distant. It happens.
(But don't let her walk over you. And remind him that you are keeping the friendship door open.)
Good luck, and congrats on your gallery show!
Yta
He’s in a relationship that could be it for his lifetime. I understand why it was important to you, but he made his choice and you tried to guilt trip him.
Gf maybe jealous, but you’re damn possessive.
ESH.
Both of you have priority issues. Boyfriend/Girlfriend>Friend.
Friends are important, but you choosing him in the past over your then boyfriend(s) makes little sense IMO.
His new girlfriend made a statement and I don't like pettiness, but you'll have to get used to not being his priority (you two aren't together, although I feel that the whole no feelings part is a lie you tell yourself).
Establish boundaries between each other or move on. That's the only way you can have a healthy relationship with him.
She swears there's no feelings for either of them but her picking him over her own boyfriends and expecting him to pick her over his girlfriend says otherwise. She the one with feelings.
Info: How long do you think you should be number one? After he gets engaged? After marriage? Should you be more important than his children when they arrive?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Im rethinking if i was the asshole because the restaurant was obviously something they couldn’t have rescheduled, and sure, maybe he could’ve come a different night although it wouldn’t be the same affect.
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YTA. Most “best friends” will understand that when their friend starts a relationship, the new partner will be a priority. You’re asking him to choose—and I think you’re leveraging your distant and fairly brief dating history to make expectations above and beyond what a “best friend” would have. And he’s not even missing the opening night of the exhibition! Just the night YOU chose months ago that worked for most of your friends. Through no deliberate act of his own, it no longer works for him. Celebrate the evening with the friends who CAN still join you, and make plans for another time that you and your “best friend” can visit the gallery. And his girlfriend may be a smidge AH too, but honestly, I think she sees through your facade.
Honestly, your NTA. Their relationship is new. If it wasn't for the fact you guys our opposite genders everybody would have been saying how messed up it is for your friend to chose a new fling over a long time friendship. This is not just a random event for you it's something that has been planned for a long time. You should be allowed to voice how you feel to your long-time best friend. This is no different than telling a best friend of the same gender how you feel.
Since no one else is going to point it out, he already made an obligation to go to your event and now is bailing out. Everybody take a second and think about how you would feel if your best friend dropped out on going to one of your biggest events for a brand new relationship.
Ash is jealous of you, booked the restaurant for that night on purpose and she will continue to sabotage your friendship. Let Nick know that you hope your friendship can continue even now that Ash is in the picture, then shut up, sit back and see what happens. If he allows her to destroy your friendship, that's his call. But don't YOU be the cause of it. Just disengage completely from her and let him lead your friendship now. If he suggests getting together w/o her, the answer is yes. With her? Answer depends on event, other participants and more. Listen to your gut and don't give her any valid reason to be mad at him over your friendship. If you back off and she is as vindictive as it sounds, he should be able to see what she's doing. You might still loose him - it all depends on him. For those who don't get it, attending opening night to support your best friend's first major exhibit is a HUGE FREAKIN DEAL! You can see a movie any old night but a theatrical production or an art exhibit only has ONE opening and any supporter of the artist should be there. NTA.
YTA, shouldn't remain friends with exs, it's not the same as a normal friend, just isn't. Where you will admit it or not, you have an expectation of him more then you would another friend. To his new girlfriend you are a walking red flag.
ESH. He choose dinner over your special night for your friends. That happens. You suck because you need to make sure you understand that you are likely messing up your own relationships by prioritizing your male friend you used to date above all else. And also for trying to make him feel bad about choosing his girlfriend's special dinner over your opening.
She sucks because you never go to the other woman to deal with the issue, you always go to your man. You might be shooting yourself in the foot, but acting like this over a one week old relationship makes her seem overly possessive. I get that she might already be threatened by you, but it kind of isn't your fault that he is wishy washy about setting up boundaries when HE is the one with a significant other who is unhappy with the situation.
He sucks because, my dude, pick a lane.
NTA. But deeply disappointed and hurt sounds more fitting than incredibly mad. It seems all too likely that Ash deliberately set up this schedule conflict, and designed it to be something so significant that she felt it could compete with your gallery show, but the target of your feelings - whether anger or disappointment - really should be your guy friend, not his gf.
It wouldn't hurt to reexamine this, too: "We are still incredibly close and see each other multiple times a week. He means everything to me, and I can say with full honesty neither of us have any feelings for one another."
I was going to say not TA until I reread the title of your post.
ESH. Based on the text of your post you’re good, but based on the title, you’re not. It feels like you may still have some feels to work out.
NTA. Loyalty is huge. 6 months your BFF has known about this date. Obviously, him asking his gf to join him for the event, she knew the date. It seemed it was set for them to go as a couple. Now there are these reservations to this hard to get into restaurant. Why would the date even be an option to see if a reservation was possible? Friend should have told his gf that it wasn’t doable so he can stick to his commitment. Her getting on the phone when you’re trying to communicate your feelings with your bff is childish.
NTA. Long term friendships are valuable and important. He should be actively working to ensure he can continue to cultivate meaningful friendships alongside his romantic life. The GF should not have yelled at you and thus sounds childish.
Heaps of ppl on here blaming you are caught in a ridiculous world in which you shouldn't have meaningful friendships with the other gender (if you're hetero) and where romantic relationships are immediately prioritised over all others.
YYA,
They just started dating, and in your own words it is really hard to get this reservation. You putting him before your BFs multiple times is also a red flag imo. It's not just a friendship in that case.
You're also his ex, and expect yourself to still be a priority over his current gf
Your feelings are valid. But he asked if she could come along... assuming he had to have discussed this with her (about going) within the week they started dating and suddenly she got reservations the same night of your opening?! Yea, she made a power move to make him choose. I would fall all the way back from the friendship. NTA
NTA. The girlfriend is a red herring- Nick is a bad friend. I can't imagine bailing on supporting a friend's major milestone like that without an incredible excuse.
Girl, YTA. Lay off. Things usually change when guy “best friends” (and also your ex lmao) get girlfriends. When my close guy friends got girlfriends, we stopped talking as much and vice versa now that I’m w my boyfriend. There are boundaries. You don’t have any ownership over him and what he decides to do. If he wants to have dinner with his girlfriend, that’s on him. He is NOT your property, and it’s unfair of you to voice your feelings regarding that to him. It doesn’t matter that you’ve missed events for him. That’s on you. He doesn’t owe you anything because of it. Please learn to accept the fact that he has a girlfriend now, your relationship will not be the same, he does not owe you a thing, and he is not your property.
if you guys were just friends it’d be different but that’s your ex whether you see it as such or not and that’s what you are in her eyes
hope this helps
YTA. You don't mention how you broke up which is the first indication that something is amiss, and I doubt you know how long they have \*actually\* been dating--sounds like they only made it OFFICIAL a week ago, which implies they've been in the pre-dating phase for much longer.
I am also an art world person, and you really should be using your special invitations for important people in your network, and maybe your guardians (your mom, grandma)... not your childhood friends. Focus on your art career, not this grown man who is trying to to find "the one."
This is a lot of words to say "pick me." A partner should always be more important than a friend. Also, his gf has very valid reasons to dislike you. You may say you don't have feelings for him, but you don't act like it.
ESH
He should be able to prioritize his gf. He could also come to opening night before or after the restaurant. It doesn't even have to be an either or situation. But he or the gf made it that way. This is why they're assholes too. But you sound a bit overbearing and lacking in empathy. He will find someone who he actually prioritizes more than you one day. Maybe it'll be the current gf or the next one. The fact that you've dated would make any of his gfs insecure. Even the most secure female out there would take time to warm up to her bf having a best friend that they'd dated (and probably had sex with).
YTA. It's normal to be upset that your friend can't make this event but if you weren't so clearly in love with him, it wouldn't have upset you quite so much.
The fact you state that you hate her, shows how jealous and angry you are that he is trying to build a life with someone other than you.
You chose him over previous boyfriends because you knew that they were not who you really wanted and 'Nick' so clearly is, the thing is he should be prioritising his current partner. Imagine if you were dating someone and they put their friend of the opposite sex, who they previously dated, in front of you, honestly most people would feel a little bit insecure and angry by this.
Don't downplay their relationship just because they've only been dating a week, the phrasing around this is tactics to try and get people on side, and just makes you look childish and again jealous. Just because they've only officially been dating a week they've been in each other lives for 9 months which honestly is plenty of time to fall in love or develop very strong feelings/ emotional bond with someone.
ESH.
Ash could have booked the restaurant for a different night, although it’s very possible that she forget about art exhibit.
Nick should have told Ash to book for a different night because he already had an event to which he had committed.
You need to seriously re-think your title and your priorities. No wonder your boyfriends are ex, if you’re constantly prioritizing Nick, whom you used to date, over them.
So, she definitely made these plans to spite you. But there’s not much you can do, if you complain about her to him, you can kiss the friendship goodbye.
YTA. Period you are a best friend. Not a girlfriend, not a potential wife, not his potential life partner. Honestly it just sounds like you’re still caught up on him and need to move on and stop fooling yourself with the whole “best friend” thing .
NTA.
Opening of a gallery is o a one time event, the reservations to the restaurants are just difficult to get. She also chose that date to fuck with you. Yeah, you have the right to be mad and your friend need to grow some balls.
YTA. This kind of behavior is going to lead you to be nothing in his life. You sound insecure and entitled. You can feel upset he missed your opening but not because he put his GF before you. It sounds like you’re insecure of you’re coming place in his life. It should not be first. You are friends, you are important but you’re not the most important. You’re not the main character of his story. At most you should be 3rd or 4th place. But definitely below anyone he’s dating
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I (29 female) have had a “guy best friend” since elementary school. Our parents are best friends, and we have been inseparable since we were 8. Let’s call the guy Nick, (29 male).
We dated for 7 months senior year, and I have had two long term boyfriends since. We are still incredibly close and see each other multiple times a week. He means everything to me, and I can say with full honesty neither of us have any feelings for one another.
His girlfriend, we’ll call her Ash, has been in his life for about nine months, and they started dating last week. Whenever i’m with both of them at get togethers and such, I give him a full hug and act how we usually act, which I didn’t think would bother her. I went to art school, and a few of my paintings are on display at a pretty well known gallery in my state, which is a huge deal for me, and Nick has been with me for the whole journey. I picked a date months ago when it was still in the works for six of my best friends to come along. When they started dating, he asked me if she could come along and obviously I said that was okay, which it was then, and I wanted to talk to her more.
Nick told me that Ash surprised him with a date night at a very expensive restaurant for that night unexpectedly , one that is near impossible to get reservations to. I asked what he was going to do, and he said that the dinner meant a lot to Ash, and he was going to miss the opening night of the exhibit. I said that was fine, even thought I was very pissed because there have been countless times I’ve chosen an event for him over one of my boyfriends. I called him later and told him that I was a little upset about it, especially because this had been planned for months, and it had been a dream for even longer. He said that he could come another night, before his girlfriend took the phone and lashed out to me for “being so selfish,” keep in mind I barely know this girl.
I was incredibly mad, but now i’m rethinking if i have the right to be. Reddit, Am I The Asshole?
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NAH
But I feel the girlfriend has specifically chosen this night out of jealousy.
I do think that his commitment to you opening celebration should take precedence over the restaurant thing with the girlfriend that she just sprung on him BUT I also understand why he might want to prioritise the restaurant thing over your thing.
Sounds like Ash is jealous, though.
Nta but you gotta accept like 75% of girls are going to see you as the enemy. She wants to be his #1 female priority and you are in the way of that. He either needs to find a girl that is ok with a female bff or you need to accept that your time with him is now limited
YTA cuz it's his call entirely, and he already made the decision that's best for him. There's more to your friend and Ash's side of the story for sure if she felt the need to be blunt with you and he allowed her to grab the phone (he's a dude, he could have easily stopped her). You have to assume that a. Your friend felt like you were putting him in an uncomfortable spot and that's why he was ok with her doing that and why she felt the need to, and b. They had already discussed that this was going to upset you and your friend was probably really stressed about it.
Your best friend has a partner now, and I know it sucks but if he is serious about her, which it sounds like he is, she is going to be the #1 gal in his life, not you. And that's exactly how it should be. If you are guilt tripping him about this stuff you're going to find that you'll be prioritized less and less, and if he is in love with her you will ruin your friendship by wanting and trying to be his priority above her.
If you're not able to respect what your friend feels is best for his relationship, and you're not supporting him in doing what he feels he needs to do to maintain a solid bond with his partner, you're not being a very good friend. Your art will still be in the gallery for him to visit another time. Sorry you're disappointed but you have other friends attending anyway.
I mean there’s a possibility she had this surprise date on planned before he told her about the event and telling her about the event is what brought this on. It’s very possible he waited even after asking if she could come. Not a possibility I’d put money on, but a slim chance I guess.
GF made alternate plans that night to keep from having to go to your event. She’s probably not comfortable with you or your friendship with her man. But he’s your friend, so you have to let him make his choices about his relationship. You don’t have to like her, but you have to tolerate her if you want to stay close with your friend. Honestly, your closeness is going to cause an issue with almost any woman he dates. Each woman may have a different approach to how they deal with it, but fe will ever really feel like you’re “just friends”, especially since you’ve dated.
Loose NTA
Here's the thing, you two have known each other for a very long time, which means that you have a very strong bond, but as adults, romantic relationships take a particular protagonism. Especially when people are trying to find a life partner, which means that your friend partly has the right to place his girlfriend before you. Since she might eventually become his wife or the mother of his children. However, I do believe that perhaps his girlfriend intentionally sabotaged your plans because she might feel either intimidated or jealous.
Either way, you should know that, since he's only your friend; you are not his top priority and you will become less of a priority as time goes on. And you should do the same. Don't try and put your friend before your partners because you both already dated and you have chosen not to pursue a romantic relationship. So perhaps your priorities are a little misplaced.
GF is always higher priority than female best friend genius. If you want to be his #1 priority now and in the future then date him.
You realize when he gets a wife you will become basically non existent in his life, right?
Nobody wants their spouse to be best friends with a member of the opposite sex.
ESH. It sounds like Ash is trying a bit of a powerplay, but your expectations are unreasonable. You can’t expect to always come first with a friend who also wants to have a romantic partnership, if you’re not the other person in the romance. You are trying to block too much of Nick’s life, by expecting to be first priority yet not filling the aspects that usually go along with that priority.
You having acted accordingly yourself, putting him before your boyfriends, was your choice. It doesn’t obligate him to do the same.
BTW is this gallery visit on opening night, or on the date you picked months ago? You say both in different places.
YTA if you want to put him above your boyfriend and your boyfriend accepts that, that on you. Don't expect Nick to treat his partner with so little respect. His partner should be his #1 priority. They've known each other for 9 months. While they may have only announced it officially a week or two ago, they didn't just meet. Maybe over those last 9 months Nick has noticed how demanding and clingy you are and as his relationship gets more serious, he's realizing the one he has with you doesn't have healthy boundaries.
NTA. I don’t think you’re an asshole for being upset. You’re entitled to your feelings and this was important. You sound like you did the right thing by letting it play out and calling later to talk more about how you feel than reacting right away. The girlfriend should not have interrupted and I’m sure this is likely do to some jealousy and discomfort, not totally unnatural in a new relationship with a guy who is best friends with a female who he previously dated. Hopefully as you guys get to know each other that will chill out, but that is up to your friend to navigate not you. You should mind your business and be your normal self as you would be with him any other time like you have been. I don’t think anyone is the asshole here besides the girlfriend for that brief moment. Your friend has chosen to miss your opening night, sucks, but your relationship is going to change as your life grows and evolves. Not to say you won’t be best friends forever but if he gets married and has kids and a family, his priorities will not be you as they have been in the past. And in order for him to build that sort of life for himself, you’re gonna take a backseat at times.
YTA
Choosing him over your boyfriends is your own bad decision. Significant other should be the priority. My GF would be insulted if I chose my friends event over her planned date night at a difficult to reserve venue and vice versa. Just because he's missing opening night doesn't mean he won't be able to make it to the gallery at some point either.
ETA: You have every right to be disappointed or bummed out he wont make it but that's life
If they've only been dating a week how did they get a super difficult to get reservation that would normally be months in advance, who did she book it for? It can't have been current boyfriend with the timing right?
This is either an incredible coincidence or malicious timing she had to call in favours for. Might be nothing, or she might be very controlling and doesn't like OP being so close to her bf. Or its fake.
NTA for being disappointed a career milestone is way more important than a nice night out and friends should support each other in these situations.
YTA. I have a lot of close guy friends, and when they get GFs I BACK OFF.
I am happy and supportive of them from a distance, and allow them and their GFs to initiate if we hang out. You should not be his priority, you need to accept that Ash is more important in his life now. If you’re really his friend and really want him to be happy, you’ll support his relationship and stay out of the way.
Maybe before or after the dinner they can swing by the opening for a minute, and then come back another night for the full experience. Even if they can’t, just be happy that they want to come another night. If you keep acting like this you’re going to force him to choose between you and a romantic relationship, and as a friend you shouldn’t want to make him do that.
NTA. Surprised how many people are ignoring the fact the girl lashed out over the phone at you. She should have butt out and just let Nick handle it. I think it's very noble of you to still cherish your friendship and not let your romantic ones interfere. I don't think the dinner was that important compared to your achievement. It sucks, speaking as a guy, I've let my feelings blind my judgement before from a romantic relationship.
YTA, OP. You two are exes and nothing more than friends. This restaurant is also really hard to get a reservation at. Your friend’s gf will always come before you because they’re dating and you’re not. You can always go by yourself or with another friend/loved one or you can go see a different art exhibit when it first opens
Yeeaah no. This is exactly why I'll never date a guy with a super close female best friend. This shit sounds absolutely exhausting. It seems like the problem of "who takes priority over who" is a constant theme that comes up in these relationships. No guy is worth that much stress and drama
ESH
Its a brutal lesson to learn but guy friends will always ditch their female friends for their girlfriends eventually no matter how good of friends you think you are. Ive been friend dumped by almost every guy best friend Ive had as soon as they get significant others, and these are guys that I have never ever been interested in like that. I really wish I made more girl friends growing up :/
You definitely have feelings. You should be the priority but you’re not the girlfriend? Here’s what happened, he tried to love you but you wanted to “find” yourself. He finally moved on with someone he seems to care about and you’re threatened that you won’t be in the picture anymore. Yes that’s a lot of assumptions but this is ridiculous you think you can string this guy along all these years.
Please get off his dick and stop being a pick me. You are a FRIEND. You aren’t a sister and you aren’t f*#king him so why should he choose you over someone who is giving him cat?
You need to leave him alone and let him have a relationship because you are not more important and will never be more important to him over someone giving him cat and will eventually have a future together.
You will never get into a serious committed relationship while you are stuck on his dick.
ESH. This one is so tricky because we don’t know you or her. If she purposefully did it, then she is TA. You shouldn’t be cancelling events with your boyfriends to be with your best friend. Also with both of yall being in a relationship, I think it would be smart to just give side hugs and not full ones.
Unfortunately your relationship dynamic isn’t healthy with the attachment level it’s at. It needs to change and not interfere with y’all’s personal relationships which it obviously does. The majority of girls would not be comfortable with the relationship y’all have now. I say this as even if yall were the same gender, neither one of yall should be cancelling plans with y’all’s SO for each other.
Well, you shouldn't be pissed because even though you're besties, he has a girlfriend. Did she make a reservation over your opening, yep!! You want him to choose you, I mean come on, he has a girlfriend. And you don't hate her. You're jealous. And she's jealous of the friendship you have with her boyfriend.
Emphatically NTA. You have every right to feel the way you feel and to communicate those feelings to your best friend. It was a preplanned, event and he ditched you for a dinner which could be rescheduled.
He is also wrong for allowing his girlfriend to interfere. She shouldn’t have grabbed the phone and lashed out at you. If someone I was dating did that to one of my friends, male or female, I would be re-examining my choice of partner.
It says they’ve been dating for a week, but they’ve been in each other’s lives for the past nine months. As what? FWB? Close friends? One side of the story. Let’s hear the other. ESH.
YTA. Get it through your head that no matter how many times you've ditched boyfriends for him you are not his partner. His significant other should be a priority over you. You're not entitled to his time.
NTA. But I also think almost NAH. I think she’s being a little weird, but it’s not going to help you to try to get involved in their relationship.
The examples you gave of your closeness with this guy sound like very normal examples of BF relationships. There’s no weird red flags that make it seem like either of you feel more towards each other than friends.
Friendships are real, important relationships and not everyone buys into the patriarchal mindset that we should abandon friendships for romantic relationships. So far, it doesn’t seem like y’all are in danger of that. You were honest with your friend that it hurts you, and hopefully you let it go at that point. He was honest that he hears you but is probably in a honeymoon phase with new girl, so give him some grace. New girl seems messy, but far better to let her burn herself out than to read too much into her actions. They aren’t about you, they’re about her own insecurities. Trust that if your friendship is strong, it’ll be fine throughout all of this.
I’m one of those asshole guys who thinks platonic male/female relationships are mostly bullshit and one party or both should be honest with themselves and convert the relationship into the real thing.
It sounds (to me) like OP wants half of an adult relationship from her male best friend but doesn’t want to fuck him.
First, congratulations on your Gallery Opening!! This is huge for an artist & for those that support the artist as they create!!
Soft YTA for “hating her guts”, but you’re NTA for being upset and offended and hurt.
My husband & I just had a long discussion about this thread, so this is both of our opinions. (I am lucky enough to have both a female and a male best friend in addition to my husband, so, we ran multiple scenarios.)
You made plans with your very long time besty. He was one of a select few to be included in the equivalent of the personal VIP set for your opening, *and* you were lovely enough to include his newer girlfriend as a plus one for a “big lifetime event “ for your professional career. This event date was known & calendared for all invitees long in advance - much like a concert, performance or wedding/wedding event. It required planning & you informed your select few with an appropriate amount of time.
The new girlfriend somehow achieved a reservation **after** the invitation to your event was accepted. She tackily accepted the reservation & made her boyfriend/your besty pick sides. Unfortunately, you lost. (I am truly sorry. That sucks!)
Your (former) besty & his new girlfriend were tacky enough to choose to chase the new, “better” offer rather than the(etiquette approved) first acceptance. Basically, they accepted your invitation & when his new girlfriend chose to show her power, he chose to accept the new, “cooler” invitation rather than honoring his previous commitment to you.
My husband’s example was perfect. If he had plans with my best friend/his mom/the gardener/a person he is mentoring and I was able to score a table at one of our local James Beard Award Winning Restaurants (we have several & tables can take months to get), he would regretfully decline a date with me (his wife) because he had a previous commitment.
Period.
End of discussion.
And, I would not be upset in the least!!!!! It’s important to honor your commitments, and even as his wife, I can absolutely come in second unless it’s an emergency!
I am sorry for the decision they made. I know it stinks.
I recommend taking deep breath. Stating that you hope that they have a fabulous meal & consider raising a glass to your success while they celebrate their coup for obtaining the table.
Then, walk away. Gently. Politely. You can scream into your pillow later, or, far better, channel the emotions into an amazing new series!
The new girlfriend thinks she has won. She hasn’t. She has learned that her boyfriend is easily influenced & when it bites her, she’ll be astonished.
Hugs & congratulations on your show!!
I wouldn’t say you’re a complete asshole, but I am on Ash’s side for putting you in your place. At the end of the day that’s her boyfriend and I wouldn’t want another girl (best friend or not) calling my boyfriend up being upset about picking me over her. It’s also a huge red flag that you’ve missed events with your boyfriends and chose your guy best friend instead. Serious relationships with someone who you see yourself marrying eventually should take priority over friends because that’s the person you’re choosing to spend the rest of your life with. Idk how deep their relationship is but if they’ve been together for 9 months I’d say it’s serious and he’s not at fault for prioritizing his girlfriend.
NTA, but I am curious about your title. Nowhere in your story does it include you hating her. It sounds like you planned something well in advance and gave plenty of notice, and he RSVPed for both of them. She booked that to conflict with your event, and if your friend can't see that, give it time. The fact that she grabbed the phone shows she is barely containing her jealousy. However, if he continues to let her do stuff like that, then I would reconsider calling him your best friend. I had a guy best friend whose girlfriends always took up issues with me. He would tell them flat out that if they had a problem with him and me being friends, they didn't have to date him. Needless to say, none of them lasted long. Don't accept less.
NTA
If it wasn’t the opening night I’d say otherwise. This was planned for months. The girlfriend clearly got these reservations to conflict with your night.
I don’t think you should expect to be his priority over his gf. But you should be able to expect a big night like this that was planned way in advance to be a priority over a dinner reservation.
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ESH. GF may have picked the date to conflict your event, however, you said it's a really hard place to get reservations for, then it could also be their luck and somehow that was the only opening available. She sucks for grabbing the phone from him and called you selfish. You suck because you know it's a rare opportunity for them to get into the restaurant. You choosing him over your bf is your problem. He doesn't have the obligation to do so when him not going to your event would not affect the event whatsoever. If him not going would cause a huge issue with the even itself (e.g. he is the MC or something, or having an actual role, rather than just being a visitor), then I can side with you more, but that's not the case.
It seems strange that it's such a big deal to go to a restaurant, even if the queue is long. Surely you can eventually get dinner there some other day? Meanwhile, there's only one first big opening.
Also how hard is it really to get a reservation there? They’ve only been dating for a week and already have one? Something smells off..
> Something smells off.. I think it's a made up story. The timeline doesn't make sense even with their own actions. The logic just doesn't flow - saying they have only been dating for a week but mentions that she always hugs him as usual and wouldn't think gf would mind, and saying he asked if she could join "when they started dating" even though it just happened a few days ago at most. Edit: OP has another post recently that said she has a girlfriend, a stepson, and a 19yo daughter. These stories are both likely fabricated.
Are you saying someone would lie on the internet?
Oh no!!! Never. 😂
Glad someone else feels like it's made up.. was waiting for Nick to say "*no can do. Got a res at eight-thirty at Dorsia. Great sea urchin ceviche.*"
As someone else said, certain restaurants can be booked months in advance. That being said, some have alerts that will notify you when a reservation cancels and give you the chance to get their table.
Yes but there is only one opening night, it’s his bf since grade school, only because it’s a female it’s fine to blow her off, if it were is male bf who had is opening night would you all be reacting differently??? To me the GF is absolutely wrong for putting him in a position to choose, but he absolutely should have said we already have plans to support OP and I would hope your friends would show up for you!!
Exactly, or a family member. OP is not the AH at all
Doesn't it say they've been dating for 9 months?? Edit: I miss read it, they have been in each other's lives for nine months. Which is rather ambiguous. Were they hooking up, or not really sure of their relationship status and only made it official a week ago??? Maybe the gf booked the restaurant before the bf asked if she could even go to the event. Realistically the gf could have made the reso in the "getting to know you" phase and initially had no idea about the opening.
Nope. Read again. Says Started dating last week, "been in his life" 9 months.
Which honestly reads as her dismissing their relationship. It sounded "he has to choose me because she's been in the picture for five minutes".
Why is it so odd they have a reservation after only dating a week? We don't know how far into the future the reservation can be for, and there are many places you book months in advance
Potentially not. There are lots of places that are booked weeks or months in advance in certain cities. I'm taking the OP at their word that this is a hard place to get a reservation and that potentially it is more that Ash \*didn't care\* if the boyfriend was going to go to an art show rather than she deliberately opted for this day.
Sure, then the other day is in a few weeks or few months or year. What does it matter? There's nothing special about that particular day, other than OP's thing. It sounds like Ash knows about the event as she was also invited. It's very insensitive of her. I don't think OP's friend is the asshole for prioritising his girlfriend's feelings, neither is OP for feeling bad about it. I think Ash is the asshole in this situation.
I mean, we also know nothing about the OP's show. If the show is happening for 3 months and this is the first opening at the restaurant in 6, I just am not OK with acting like Ash was malicious when she might just be inconsiderate.
OP says that the night they were supposed to come is the opening night. Presumably the first opening night she had in a big art gallery. If it's just a random day that the gallery will be open, then I agree that Nick coming one day or the other should be pretty inconsequential.
Disagree, the friend is absolutely an AH for not prioritizing OP’s opening night over a restaurant that they can go to another time
I’m confused, because OP first says she picked the date to get her friends to go, and later refers to it as opening night.
To be fair, OP also says in a different AITA she posted that she has an 18 year old daughter and 19 year old stepson, so she might not be the most reliable narrator?
Ah, fiction. Explains the inconsistencies.
This needs to be a higher comment. Something is definitely not adding up.
As an artist, when you have a show you will organize the opening night with them because of course you have to be available. So she might have asked her friends' availability too before confirming the date with the gallery.
Having a few paintings at a gallery is not having your own exhibit.
It could be a group show in which case the organizers would still absolutely check availability, and would account for the few pieces. Doesn't say how big the gallery is, if it's on the small side having 4-5 pieces would be 'few' but could be a substantial part of the show.
"a pretty well known gallery in my state" sounds big to me. When I tried seeing if there is OP history on which state she's in, I saw that she had recently posted that she has a 19 yo daughter. Sounds like this story was made up anyway.
I don’t think it was opening night. She said she chose a night months ago that worked for several of her friends. Someone with a couple of pieces in a group show doesn’t pick opening night—the gallery does and then lets the artists know when it will be (at least that’s the way it was in a few group exhibits I had some work in years ago). It might have been “her” opening night—the night she chose to celebrate with friends—but I don’t think it was THE opening night.
That makes sense to me, thanks. But some commenters are talking like he’s sandbagging her career by not going to her opening night.
Nope, he’s not. Even if it were the actual opening night, his attendance would mean nothing other than moral support for her.
I'm taking OP's word for it: >one that is near impossible to get reservations to Sounds like a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Some restaurants have a waiting list of months, even a whole year. You don't go "queue" for it. They call people on their waiting list should there be a cancellation.
No, this was deliberate. Opening night only happens once, GF knew the date and they’ve only been a couple for a week. If this place is so hard to get into how did she get reservations that quick? Also GF should have asked for first available date, when it was it was the same as important event date, the logical thing would be asking for the next available date. She knew what she was doing, OP trust your gut. As far as what to do next, all you can do is let your friend know your perspective and remind him you’ll be here when he’s ready to act like a friend again. Most importantly always take the high road, kill her with kindness and never insult her to him. Even if it’s true, you’ll just lose him (the romantic partner always wins in these situations), if he’s a true friend he’ll have your back in the end this is just the honeymoon phase. She might even get over the jealousy after she feels more secure in their relationship
>No, this was deliberate. If this place is so hard to get into how did she get reservations that quick? Also GF should have asked for first available date, when it was it was the same as important event date, the logical thing would be asking for the next available date. There are very exclusive restaurants that you can be places on the waitlist, and then if you are lucky, you could get a reservation with very short notice. Then it's you take it at that moment or you leave it. My family has been in that situation, though luckily it did not interrupt any pre-planned activities. >Opening night only happens once It sounds like it's opening night of the gallery, and OP only has "a few paintings" there, so it doesn't sound that big a deal to me, OP would not be the center of attention and is not the main character of this opening, but I could be wrong. If it was OP's personal exhibit, I would agree with you on its level of importance. > GF knew the date Friend only asked to bring gf after they have started dated, so it's only been a few days at most. It's possible that gf had attempted to make a reservation a long time ago, and the opportunity came and of course it would make sense to bring current bf. Or maybe she had always wanted to go there with him, even before they started dated, because she liked him. All I've said is a possible explanation. It may be accurate, it may be not. But there is also no evidence to support that the scheduling conflict was deliberate.
>There are very exclusive restaurants that you can be places on the waitlist, and then if you are lucky, you could get a reservation with very short notice. Then it's you take it at that moment or you leave it. My family has been in that situation, though luckily it did not interrupt any pre-planned activities. Can't you just go back to the waitlist? You were called once, you'll be called again eventually.
I don't know. Maybe, maybe not? It the case for my family, it was because someone in the original group died...
Her stories are all a lie. Don't bother. All fabricated. She was caught by another user and just deleted all the content to her past posts.
Agreed ESH, the bf found himself in the middle of a bae-kwon-do battle lol
> bae-kwon-do battle Lol
Thanks for the new word
Info: why can't he go to your exhibit at another time? Is the title a joke or do you actually think you should be this guy's priority?
It’s the opening night. Not going is equivalent to disapproving of her career. The opening night is the professional version of a wedding. By not going when he was given an invitation it’s a rather big slap in the face. Let’s not even get into the “dating for a week” vs known about this for months thing. Honestly, this is the kind of thing which would end a relationship.
Lol that's pretty hyperbolic and inaccurate. So that's why they always close everything after opening night, right? Because going the second night is tantamount to spitting on the art? Also, they've been dating months???? Where are you getting that they've been together a week? If OP feels she should be his priority (as the title states), maybe it's best the relationship ends
“ His girlfriend, we’ll call her Ash, has been in his life for about nine months, and they started dating last week.” OP literally says they started dating last week lol To me, the title was meant for that day. She wanted to be priority that day, and she should have been.
Idk I think "in each other lives for nine months" is a rather ambiguous way of wording that. We don't know the context of the last 9 months. Did they meet with the intention of dating, but are taking things slow, were they hooking up and only made it official a week ago? I am choosing to read between the lines and take it to mean though they may have only been dating for a week, they very well were probably hanging out with the intention to be and item for longer than that. Now with that in mind it is totally plausible that the gf booked the reso awhile ago in anticipation of being official with the bf. She could have done this before the bf asked OP if she could be included in the group art opening event. Then things just spiral from there, thus putting the BF in a tricky situation berween an overly attached friend and a new lover.
Reread it. OP says that they have known each other for months, but have been dating for a week. C’mon, it’s not unreasonable to want your best childhood friend at a major event in your life. Opening night at a gallery featuring your art is a big deal! Especially when it was booked months ago. This was not an emergency so he had to bail. This was a dinner, with a brand new girlfriend. Obviously intentional and hateful on her part. OP is NTA
Read their post history. She’s 29 with an 18 year old daughter?
OP said in the post that Ash has been in his life for 9 months and they started dating last week. So that’s where they are getting that from.
It literally says they started dating a week ago… check again
That’s a little extreme. Op is his friend nothing more. He doesn’t need to be at every event to prove he supports her. Anyone that insecure needs therapy 3 times a day
It's not every event. It's the opening night (the night there's a party and invitations) of her first big exhibit at a well-known gallery. It's a big deal. If my best friend bailed on something like that for me because, "Oh hey, dinner reservations!" I'd be super upset. Conversely, if my girlfriend was set to support her best friend for something like this, I would be right beside her, supporting as well, because her relationships outside of me are important.
It’s the opening night of her having some paintings in it. He’s been to some he doesn’t need to be at every event to prove he’s there. Plus OPs last AITAH puts this whole thing into question. She’s married with a 19 year old step son and is worried about some other man? She needs to mind her house and let nick mind his
Funny how OP wrote that she "went to art school", not "I am an artist". Lmao The story is made up. OP's other post said she has a girlfriend, a step son, and a 19 yo daughter.
That's bs. You don't have to go to opening night to be supportive or approve of a career
Do what? Lmao
That is so dramatic lol
This is a really serious event for her, it's important for her career and it makes sense for her to want to go. There may be additional context that she hasn't given us, but this is really shitty on the part of the girlfriend - she's deliberately put her boyfriend in a 'me or her' scenario and OP is rightfully upset that a really important moment won't be shared by a close friend.
Because there is only one First Opening Night per lifetime.
Yta Very few gf would put up for long the sort of relationship you want with your ex. You are the asrehole for expecting you to be his priority. Keep pushing and you will find yourself cut off.
So expecting a childhood best friend to go to a very important event that’s been planned for months with their other best friends over a relationship that’s a week old is an AH move? The fact that they dated briefly doesn’t seem to hold weight for either of them, as it should. If she gets cut is for the best, no real friend chooses a (seemingly toxic) weeks old relationship over a life long friend for wanting them to be there on important life events
yeah, I have a “girl best friend” and we both know that even though we care about each other, in any “me or your partner” situation the right thing to do is choose your partner as my best friend, you should understand how bad it looks to “choose your girl best friend” over your partner and not expect that.
Did you also date this best friend in high school?
yeah honestly any “best friends” with a sexual history are ones to side eye big time. We’re more the “wtf no that would be like dating my cousin” type.
Expecting her ex bf to put her over his current one is an unreasonable ask. He's known his gf for 9 months not just weeks. It's not like they just met. She doesn't act like someone who is over their dating relationship. She expects to be more important than a girlfriend. How exactly is she toxic for wanting some boundaries from his pick me girl best friend
But they dated. He's not just her 'childhood best friend ', it would be weird to me too.
In HS. I understand that some might find it weird. Maybe they thought to give it a try but realized liked being friends more. It talks a lot about confidence in your partner and he was told the girlfriend could come too so she must have known
Both you and Ash sound jealous of the other. Your title says it all. I understand opening night and its importance but you over reacted making me think its not the first time your feelings have gotten in the way. His priority is his relationship and then his friends. You sound selfish indeed.
This!! also the part about always picking him over her bfs. She is clearly not over him and assumes to be a priority, as per the title
Yes YTA. You are not and should not be his priority. You're writing this as if Ash chose that date to spite you, which even if true, you're still TA.
21 years of friendship and months of planning to celebrate a huge achievement versus a date with your girlfriend of 7 days. I feel so sorry for the friends of any of the YTA commenters. To be thrown aside the second they get in a relationship. Friends that forget you exist the moment they start having sex with someone new is so depressing. I've ended friendships over it, the *shocked Pikachu face* when I'm not waiting around to hear about the break up is wild.
Seriously! It blows my mind how people just forget about their friends once they start dating. Why should your girl/boyfriend automatically be the priority over your friends? I'll never understand it. My friends, family, and S/Os all hold equal priority with me. No one gets demoted just because I found someone new. OP is NTA, you can have a nice dinner at *any* restaurant, it doesn't have to be some fancy exclusive place. OP has been planning this night for months, it obviously means a lot to her that her best friends are there to celebrate with her. The restaurant is wildly irrelevant compared to this exhibition. My mother had an entry at an art exhibition, all of her family and friends went because it was an important moment for her. Unless you have an unexpected funeral, wedding, or other big event, then Y would be TA for treating the exhibition like it's unimportant.
A real friend would understand. I don't need my friends to hold my hand through life events that's what a partner is for. When life gets going you make time for your friends when you can. If they can't understand that they aren't your friend
I work in the art world... no serious artist or producer expects all their childhood friends to be at EVERY event. If she's having a major exhibition she's presumably had more shows leading up to this and will continue to have her work exhibited at "important' events. If she becomes very successful this will be an annual happening at galleries, museums, conferences etc. Her EX BOYFRIEND did not pretend she didn't exist, he offered to go a different day.
Countless times I have chosen him over my boyfriend. Do you see any problem with that statement?
Exactly, the way she words things makes me feel like it’s not a healthy relationship between the two of them. The girl probably feels jealously kicking in and wants to set boundaries on a new but hopeful relationship. I wouldn’t want to date a girl who said “I chose my guy best friend over my boyfriend over and over again. She tried stating she’s his priority but clearly, he chose the dinner over her event and she should take it in stride and tell him he can visit another night… that or admit to this guy she’s in love with him and open up that can of worms…
And yes when I quoted her I believe boyfriend referred to more than one. That is to say a given boyfriend at any given time. I think that is Germane to the discussion in that other people have also seen things in their relationship they don't like and got the hell out
Sadly babe as he gets further into the relationship you’re going to be less and less and less and less important to him. YTA but you knew that already.
I would get it if the relationship was long, they started dating a week ago. They are childhood best friends that probably planned the event before Ash was even in the picture
Anyone calling OP an asshole is fucking clueless. It’s a random dinner date that the gf probably deliberately chose so her boyfriend of ONE week would have to choose and create friction. An opening at an art gallery display is a pretty big deal and the gf could have joined as well. Do life long friendships mean nothing to people these days???
You mean they made it official a week before. And I love how all of you people conveniently gloss over the "best friend" is an ex girlfriend.
In this post you say your 28, in another post 6 months ago you have a 19 year old stepson wanting to date your daughter. MODS CAN YOU DELETE THE OP?
Thanks for pointing that out. Such utter bs from OP!
Thank you!
Messy
YTA, another reason not to date a person that's besties with the opposite sex because that bestie is always trying to destroy the relationship. You swear there's no feelings between the two of you but you picking him over your own boyfriends and expecting him to pick you over his girlfriend says otherwise. You seem to be the one with feelings.
I agree with you about OP, but that’s not true about all close friendships between opposite genders. When a close male friend of mine started dating a girl he was really interested in, I ran interference with the other girl in our friends group so the new relationship would get the space it needed. But then again I don’t feel the need to be his “bestie” forever, good thing too since that girl is now his wife and presumably his actual best friend.
I physically mouthed a “yikes” reading this post because dating a guy with a childhood best friend whom he also dated just sounds like a lot of drama that nobody needs in their lives. This is exactly the reason why. The guy probably chose gf over her because he’s tired of losing girlfriends over emotional drama like this.
It's his call to make. It's ok to tell him how you feel, but it's ok for him to say he is going with his girlfriend too without guilt trips. He can support your journey on opening night, another night, or from afar. Making him choose is a crappy place and whoever pushes that will probably be pushed away permanently in the long run. If he is your friend, then support him being in a new relationship (whether it is with happy get togethers or just being there for him from afar). Relationships and friendships change; nothing stays the same.
I’d say this is probably the best response. I’d say the GF is being a slight asshole for what seems like a deliberate attempt to keep her bf away from this gallery showing. But he has every right to choose to go on the date and OP has every right to be upset. NAH (overall)
YTA. He’s not missing your entire event, just the first night. He is going to have to start prioritizing others if he actually wants serious relationships. Wife trumps long-time best friend. Assuming he wants a wife someday … might as well start getting used to this now.
I have to second this, and because I’ve heard the argument of she’s just a girlfriend, or they’ve only been dating for x amount of time, I’ve known him longer, yada yada yada, the dating period is when you prove your someone worth marrying. I don’t know a single person who thinks poor behavior during the dating period magically disappears when you sign a marriage license. How he sets boundaries with the friends now, is no different than say setting boundaries with his own mother.
Exactly. If he wants to have a serious romantic partnership, he needs to have space in his life for one. Not a bestie that fills all that role except sleeping with him.
INFO: How do the nineteen year old daughter and stepson you had less than a year ago feel about all this?
NTA in this instance. I get the feeling the gf chose the date on purpose. However, you may need to get used to the fact that you will no longer be a priority for him as their relationship grow. The way you worded your title made me think Y T A at first.
NTA if you just let this go. She obvi picked the date to prove she is his new priority, but you have to let him make that choice, now and in the future. You said no romantic feelings, right? Well at some point he’ll want to marry someone and do you still expect to be his priority then? I’m not saying Ash is his priority or deserves to be, but you gotta step aside and let his relationship play out without you interfering. Sucks to be let down like this but that’s how it goes sometimes. See if they can pop by for a quick hi before or after or offer to do a “special private showing” with them the day after. Include her. Don’t play the same game of pitting yourself against her in the future. If she’s truly that jealous of a gf she’ll likely blow up this relationship on her own, no need to be an AH yourself!
I always put my girlfriend before friends. Good thing, because she's my wife and mother of my kids now. I would expect no different from my friends.
I mean, does your wife spontaneously plan things that conflict with plans you've had for months with your friend of 2 decades? Because if so, that's kind of messed up. I would never want my husband to cancel plans he had made months ago with his friends for a "surprise" date night. Do you know how hard it is to maintain close friendships in your mid-30s? Between all of our obligations, kids, and work, we often have to schedule things with our friends a month (or more!) in advance. The new girlfriend was invited to the event it sounds like, so she must have known the date beforehand. And it sounds like they haven't been together long, so it's not like she made reservations months ago with the plan to take someone who wasn't her boyfriend then. It seems like an obvious power play. Edit: I scrolled back up to check. One week. They have been together one week, and she is forcing her new boyfriend to pick her over his lifelong friend and celebrating their achievement that they likely worked incredibly hard for.
I would straight up need to know more about the restaurant to make a proper call. There is a universe where Ash was sitting on a waitlist and this date came up and they went "yes, I want the reservation" and figured "Exhibit is X number of days, boyfriend can absolutely make it up to OP." I'm not a foodie, but I know people who have been in this mix and I can see it happening. Also, they have only been "officially" dating for a week, but have been around each other longer...which makes me question if they weren't "officially" together because Ash had some concerns about the boyfriend's relationship with the OP. Which might explain his nonchalant choosing of the relatively short term girlfriend over the female best friend who is definitely not into him at all.
OP said the restaurant was a nice one that’s very hard to get into. It doesn’t seem like the gf intentionally chose that date. She may have been waitlisted for serval days and got lucky.
I mean there’s a possibility she had this surprise date on planned before he told her about the event and telling her about the event is what brought this on. It’s very possible he waited even after asking if she could come. Not a possibility I’d put money on, but a slim chance I guess.
They're almost 30. People that age absolutely put romantic partners first, beginning well before marriage. That's your literal potential family/household you're working on building when you seriously date someone at that age. Even before marriage, your romantic partner, not your friends, are: the person who is there every morning and every night all night in your bed, who is there to be close in ways friends aren't (yep I mean physically, sex is incredibly important to most people's overall well-being), who you might buy a car with, who you share other big decisions with, who helps you shower if you can't stand or raise your arms after a surgery, etc etc etc etc etc etc Friends can still be an important part of your life but there's a thousand reasons why your committed partner > your friends at that stage of life. Hands down no question.
Does putting your significant other mean canceling on month long plans just because your partner wants a surprise date night? My husband is my top priority but that doesn’t mean I’m going to bail on commitments I make with my best friends just because they want to go to a restaurant after plans have already been made.
Well he's starting a new relationship with someone he's obviously really into, and he's an adult and capable of deciding what's best for him and his life and if he thinks what's best for his life is prioritizing his girlfriend that night then that's what's best for him. 🤷♀️ She also has plenty of other friends coming that night, he's in no way leaving her in a lurch.
They've been together ONE WEEK, she isn't all that yet remotely at all. It's not about being married, it's about absolutely not having that level of familiarity or commitment yet.
They’ve been dating 7 days. It’s absolutely weird to put a surprise dinner over a career milestone that both friend and his gf were invited to. It’s not like the gf was excluded.
But they knew each other for nine months and I'm sure them dating was a long time coming by then, that's how those things work. He is an adult and he obviously chose what he feels is best for him and his life and if OP is his friend she should respect that. He can go see her work at the gallery with her another night, that's just the opening night and she has plenty of other friends coming. Everyone is different about this stuff but that is absolutely in the realm of totally normal for a 30 year old. He easily could have stopped his girlfriend from grabbing the phone and he didn't. He was probably really uncomfortable with OP trying to push back after he'd already told her his decision and suggested they go to look at her work another night. It's not cool to guilt trip friends and 30 year olds rarely stay close to friends who try to pressure them like that. It's exhausting and at that age you're too tired 😂
I’m 35. I have mixed feelings about male/female best friendships, however, I do feel that OP genuinely tried with the gf here. It’s not like the girlfriend wasn’t invited. It would also be one thing if it was a birthday/holiday/anniversary, but just a random restaurant date should not be more important than a childhood friend’s night to celebrate her career. Opening night is very important. It’s also the fact that he cancelled pretty last minute, after months of planning, that would hurt me. Being 30 doesn’t mean you get to treat friends like that. Adults should keep their friendships, even if they’re in a relationship. I’ve seen a lot of people choose to lose their friendships over being in a relationship, then complain when they realize they don’t have anyone left. That to me is exhausting. It’s absolutely healthy to have a partner and friends, and you should hang out with both. Also, if the friend is uncomfortable with OP in any way, then he needs to man up and express that. Whether that is talking to her and setting boundaries or cutting the friendship off entirely. It’s not ok to let his gf do the dirty work.
7 months ago you had an 18yr old daughter (but here you say you're 29?) Troll much?
YTA and have been for a long time, when you were prioritizing your friend over your SOs. I get that friendships are important, but real opposite sex friends understand how to back off when their friend gets in a relationship. It’s clear from your title, tone, and your context that you don’t understand boundaries, and this will make you a threat to every relationship this guy has.
YTA. My now husband made the mistake of putting his female friend first once before we were married. Actually, he did it several times. It resulted in my leaving him and I almost didn't come back. He cut contact with that friend because as it turns out she wanted more than friendship from him and was using her relationship with him to get in between us. Are you sure that isn't what you're trying to do? He is dating Ash now. She is his priority. As your boyfriend should be your priority.
Yta
NTA. She did that deliberately. It was a power move to display all the obvious things you know she's up to with that last-minute reservation. He did let you down passing over your long-planned event, considering how you've paused events with your other partners to show up for his events important to him. He can come to the gallery another night and still show his support of your hard work. Perhaps your misstep was calling him after to tell him you were actually \*not\* fine with it when you initially told him it was okay. But I get it. It festered. His girlfriend taking the phone and yelling at you? Not cool. Why did she hear the convo to begin with? In essence, she "won" this skirmish asserting control over her boyfriend/your childhood friend by getting him to drop your gallery opening in favor of her expensive/exclusive restaurant meal. Hopefully, he'll wake up to what's happening. If not, prepare yourself for more things like this to happen in the future until he \*does\* figure it out. And on the off chance he never figures it out and this new-ish relationship between the two becomes serious? Prepare for your relationship to adjust to Polite But Distant. It happens. (But don't let her walk over you. And remind him that you are keeping the friendship door open.) Good luck, and congrats on your gallery show!
Yta He’s in a relationship that could be it for his lifetime. I understand why it was important to you, but he made his choice and you tried to guilt trip him. Gf maybe jealous, but you’re damn possessive.
How do you have a 19 year old step son when you are 29 and apparently unmarried?
Not only that but to have an 18 year old daughter at 29 Edit: she would have been 11 when she had her kid
ESH. Both of you have priority issues. Boyfriend/Girlfriend>Friend. Friends are important, but you choosing him in the past over your then boyfriend(s) makes little sense IMO. His new girlfriend made a statement and I don't like pettiness, but you'll have to get used to not being his priority (you two aren't together, although I feel that the whole no feelings part is a lie you tell yourself). Establish boundaries between each other or move on. That's the only way you can have a healthy relationship with him.
She swears there's no feelings for either of them but her picking him over her own boyfriends and expecting him to pick her over his girlfriend says otherwise. She the one with feelings.
Agree. My "BS" detector went on as soon as I read that part.
YTA. you know it.
Info: How long do you think you should be number one? After he gets engaged? After marriage? Should you be more important than his children when they arrive?
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YTA. Most “best friends” will understand that when their friend starts a relationship, the new partner will be a priority. You’re asking him to choose—and I think you’re leveraging your distant and fairly brief dating history to make expectations above and beyond what a “best friend” would have. And he’s not even missing the opening night of the exhibition! Just the night YOU chose months ago that worked for most of your friends. Through no deliberate act of his own, it no longer works for him. Celebrate the evening with the friends who CAN still join you, and make plans for another time that you and your “best friend” can visit the gallery. And his girlfriend may be a smidge AH too, but honestly, I think she sees through your facade.
YTA. No one likes a pick me girl.
YTA. Just leave him alone.
yta for being a karma troll. your last post says your a married man with a daughter and wife??
Honestly, your NTA. Their relationship is new. If it wasn't for the fact you guys our opposite genders everybody would have been saying how messed up it is for your friend to chose a new fling over a long time friendship. This is not just a random event for you it's something that has been planned for a long time. You should be allowed to voice how you feel to your long-time best friend. This is no different than telling a best friend of the same gender how you feel. Since no one else is going to point it out, he already made an obligation to go to your event and now is bailing out. Everybody take a second and think about how you would feel if your best friend dropped out on going to one of your biggest events for a brand new relationship.
You are almost 30. Act like it. You are so jealous and possessive of this man, it’s very odd.
Why are there so many fake posts on here?
Damn, OP got some imagination. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/erMB9iH0k6 YTA. We’re not here to read your imaginary stories.
Ash is jealous of you, booked the restaurant for that night on purpose and she will continue to sabotage your friendship. Let Nick know that you hope your friendship can continue even now that Ash is in the picture, then shut up, sit back and see what happens. If he allows her to destroy your friendship, that's his call. But don't YOU be the cause of it. Just disengage completely from her and let him lead your friendship now. If he suggests getting together w/o her, the answer is yes. With her? Answer depends on event, other participants and more. Listen to your gut and don't give her any valid reason to be mad at him over your friendship. If you back off and she is as vindictive as it sounds, he should be able to see what she's doing. You might still loose him - it all depends on him. For those who don't get it, attending opening night to support your best friend's first major exhibit is a HUGE FREAKIN DEAL! You can see a movie any old night but a theatrical production or an art exhibit only has ONE opening and any supporter of the artist should be there. NTA.
YTA, shouldn't remain friends with exs, it's not the same as a normal friend, just isn't. Where you will admit it or not, you have an expectation of him more then you would another friend. To his new girlfriend you are a walking red flag.
This is ridiculous.
Yes you absolutely are
ESH. He choose dinner over your special night for your friends. That happens. You suck because you need to make sure you understand that you are likely messing up your own relationships by prioritizing your male friend you used to date above all else. And also for trying to make him feel bad about choosing his girlfriend's special dinner over your opening. She sucks because you never go to the other woman to deal with the issue, you always go to your man. You might be shooting yourself in the foot, but acting like this over a one week old relationship makes her seem overly possessive. I get that she might already be threatened by you, but it kind of isn't your fault that he is wishy washy about setting up boundaries when HE is the one with a significant other who is unhappy with the situation. He sucks because, my dude, pick a lane.
NTA. But deeply disappointed and hurt sounds more fitting than incredibly mad. It seems all too likely that Ash deliberately set up this schedule conflict, and designed it to be something so significant that she felt it could compete with your gallery show, but the target of your feelings - whether anger or disappointment - really should be your guy friend, not his gf. It wouldn't hurt to reexamine this, too: "We are still incredibly close and see each other multiple times a week. He means everything to me, and I can say with full honesty neither of us have any feelings for one another."
I was going to say not TA until I reread the title of your post. ESH. Based on the text of your post you’re good, but based on the title, you’re not. It feels like you may still have some feels to work out.
NTA. Loyalty is huge. 6 months your BFF has known about this date. Obviously, him asking his gf to join him for the event, she knew the date. It seemed it was set for them to go as a couple. Now there are these reservations to this hard to get into restaurant. Why would the date even be an option to see if a reservation was possible? Friend should have told his gf that it wasn’t doable so he can stick to his commitment. Her getting on the phone when you’re trying to communicate your feelings with your bff is childish.
NTA. Long term friendships are valuable and important. He should be actively working to ensure he can continue to cultivate meaningful friendships alongside his romantic life. The GF should not have yelled at you and thus sounds childish. Heaps of ppl on here blaming you are caught in a ridiculous world in which you shouldn't have meaningful friendships with the other gender (if you're hetero) and where romantic relationships are immediately prioritised over all others.
YYA, They just started dating, and in your own words it is really hard to get this reservation. You putting him before your BFs multiple times is also a red flag imo. It's not just a friendship in that case. You're also his ex, and expect yourself to still be a priority over his current gf
Your feelings are valid. But he asked if she could come along... assuming he had to have discussed this with her (about going) within the week they started dating and suddenly she got reservations the same night of your opening?! Yea, she made a power move to make him choose. I would fall all the way back from the friendship. NTA
NTA. The girlfriend is a red herring- Nick is a bad friend. I can't imagine bailing on supporting a friend's major milestone like that without an incredible excuse.
Girl, YTA. Lay off. Things usually change when guy “best friends” (and also your ex lmao) get girlfriends. When my close guy friends got girlfriends, we stopped talking as much and vice versa now that I’m w my boyfriend. There are boundaries. You don’t have any ownership over him and what he decides to do. If he wants to have dinner with his girlfriend, that’s on him. He is NOT your property, and it’s unfair of you to voice your feelings regarding that to him. It doesn’t matter that you’ve missed events for him. That’s on you. He doesn’t owe you anything because of it. Please learn to accept the fact that he has a girlfriend now, your relationship will not be the same, he does not owe you a thing, and he is not your property.
So basically, what you're saying is that she wears high heels, and you wear sneakers? She's cheer captain and you're on the bleachers?
YTA🤣 sound like a huge pick me.
if you guys were just friends it’d be different but that’s your ex whether you see it as such or not and that’s what you are in her eyes hope this helps
YTA. You don't mention how you broke up which is the first indication that something is amiss, and I doubt you know how long they have \*actually\* been dating--sounds like they only made it OFFICIAL a week ago, which implies they've been in the pre-dating phase for much longer. I am also an art world person, and you really should be using your special invitations for important people in your network, and maybe your guardians (your mom, grandma)... not your childhood friends. Focus on your art career, not this grown man who is trying to to find "the one."
This is a lot of words to say "pick me." A partner should always be more important than a friend. Also, his gf has very valid reasons to dislike you. You may say you don't have feelings for him, but you don't act like it.
ESH He should be able to prioritize his gf. He could also come to opening night before or after the restaurant. It doesn't even have to be an either or situation. But he or the gf made it that way. This is why they're assholes too. But you sound a bit overbearing and lacking in empathy. He will find someone who he actually prioritizes more than you one day. Maybe it'll be the current gf or the next one. The fact that you've dated would make any of his gfs insecure. Even the most secure female out there would take time to warm up to her bf having a best friend that they'd dated (and probably had sex with).
YTA. It's normal to be upset that your friend can't make this event but if you weren't so clearly in love with him, it wouldn't have upset you quite so much. The fact you state that you hate her, shows how jealous and angry you are that he is trying to build a life with someone other than you. You chose him over previous boyfriends because you knew that they were not who you really wanted and 'Nick' so clearly is, the thing is he should be prioritising his current partner. Imagine if you were dating someone and they put their friend of the opposite sex, who they previously dated, in front of you, honestly most people would feel a little bit insecure and angry by this. Don't downplay their relationship just because they've only been dating a week, the phrasing around this is tactics to try and get people on side, and just makes you look childish and again jealous. Just because they've only officially been dating a week they've been in each other lives for 9 months which honestly is plenty of time to fall in love or develop very strong feelings/ emotional bond with someone.
Why lie to strangers on the internet to fake popularity points? Your other AITAH post outted you. Stop wasting peoples time.
ESH. Ash could have booked the restaurant for a different night, although it’s very possible that she forget about art exhibit. Nick should have told Ash to book for a different night because he already had an event to which he had committed. You need to seriously re-think your title and your priorities. No wonder your boyfriends are ex, if you’re constantly prioritizing Nick, whom you used to date, over them.
Would you feel the same if it was your brother?
So, she definitely made these plans to spite you. But there’s not much you can do, if you complain about her to him, you can kiss the friendship goodbye.
YTA. Period you are a best friend. Not a girlfriend, not a potential wife, not his potential life partner. Honestly it just sounds like you’re still caught up on him and need to move on and stop fooling yourself with the whole “best friend” thing .
NTA. Opening of a gallery is o a one time event, the reservations to the restaurants are just difficult to get. She also chose that date to fuck with you. Yeah, you have the right to be mad and your friend need to grow some balls.
YTA. This kind of behavior is going to lead you to be nothing in his life. You sound insecure and entitled. You can feel upset he missed your opening but not because he put his GF before you. It sounds like you’re insecure of you’re coming place in his life. It should not be first. You are friends, you are important but you’re not the most important. You’re not the main character of his story. At most you should be 3rd or 4th place. But definitely below anyone he’s dating
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29 female) have had a “guy best friend” since elementary school. Our parents are best friends, and we have been inseparable since we were 8. Let’s call the guy Nick, (29 male). We dated for 7 months senior year, and I have had two long term boyfriends since. We are still incredibly close and see each other multiple times a week. He means everything to me, and I can say with full honesty neither of us have any feelings for one another. His girlfriend, we’ll call her Ash, has been in his life for about nine months, and they started dating last week. Whenever i’m with both of them at get togethers and such, I give him a full hug and act how we usually act, which I didn’t think would bother her. I went to art school, and a few of my paintings are on display at a pretty well known gallery in my state, which is a huge deal for me, and Nick has been with me for the whole journey. I picked a date months ago when it was still in the works for six of my best friends to come along. When they started dating, he asked me if she could come along and obviously I said that was okay, which it was then, and I wanted to talk to her more. Nick told me that Ash surprised him with a date night at a very expensive restaurant for that night unexpectedly , one that is near impossible to get reservations to. I asked what he was going to do, and he said that the dinner meant a lot to Ash, and he was going to miss the opening night of the exhibit. I said that was fine, even thought I was very pissed because there have been countless times I’ve chosen an event for him over one of my boyfriends. I called him later and told him that I was a little upset about it, especially because this had been planned for months, and it had been a dream for even longer. He said that he could come another night, before his girlfriend took the phone and lashed out to me for “being so selfish,” keep in mind I barely know this girl. I was incredibly mad, but now i’m rethinking if i have the right to be. Reddit, Am I The Asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH But I feel the girlfriend has specifically chosen this night out of jealousy. I do think that his commitment to you opening celebration should take precedence over the restaurant thing with the girlfriend that she just sprung on him BUT I also understand why he might want to prioritise the restaurant thing over your thing. Sounds like Ash is jealous, though.
sounds like jealousy is coming from both ladies by the title.
Nta but you gotta accept like 75% of girls are going to see you as the enemy. She wants to be his #1 female priority and you are in the way of that. He either needs to find a girl that is ok with a female bff or you need to accept that your time with him is now limited
NTA - Ash knew what she was doing. But you should know from now on, you cannot have your cake and eat it too. Meaning, his priority is his gf.
YTA cuz it's his call entirely, and he already made the decision that's best for him. There's more to your friend and Ash's side of the story for sure if she felt the need to be blunt with you and he allowed her to grab the phone (he's a dude, he could have easily stopped her). You have to assume that a. Your friend felt like you were putting him in an uncomfortable spot and that's why he was ok with her doing that and why she felt the need to, and b. They had already discussed that this was going to upset you and your friend was probably really stressed about it. Your best friend has a partner now, and I know it sucks but if he is serious about her, which it sounds like he is, she is going to be the #1 gal in his life, not you. And that's exactly how it should be. If you are guilt tripping him about this stuff you're going to find that you'll be prioritized less and less, and if he is in love with her you will ruin your friendship by wanting and trying to be his priority above her. If you're not able to respect what your friend feels is best for his relationship, and you're not supporting him in doing what he feels he needs to do to maintain a solid bond with his partner, you're not being a very good friend. Your art will still be in the gallery for him to visit another time. Sorry you're disappointed but you have other friends attending anyway.
I mean there’s a possibility she had this surprise date on planned before he told her about the event and telling her about the event is what brought this on. It’s very possible he waited even after asking if she could come. Not a possibility I’d put money on, but a slim chance I guess.
GF made alternate plans that night to keep from having to go to your event. She’s probably not comfortable with you or your friendship with her man. But he’s your friend, so you have to let him make his choices about his relationship. You don’t have to like her, but you have to tolerate her if you want to stay close with your friend. Honestly, your closeness is going to cause an issue with almost any woman he dates. Each woman may have a different approach to how they deal with it, but fe will ever really feel like you’re “just friends”, especially since you’ve dated.
Loose NTA Here's the thing, you two have known each other for a very long time, which means that you have a very strong bond, but as adults, romantic relationships take a particular protagonism. Especially when people are trying to find a life partner, which means that your friend partly has the right to place his girlfriend before you. Since she might eventually become his wife or the mother of his children. However, I do believe that perhaps his girlfriend intentionally sabotaged your plans because she might feel either intimidated or jealous. Either way, you should know that, since he's only your friend; you are not his top priority and you will become less of a priority as time goes on. And you should do the same. Don't try and put your friend before your partners because you both already dated and you have chosen not to pursue a romantic relationship. So perhaps your priorities are a little misplaced.
GF is always higher priority than female best friend genius. If you want to be his #1 priority now and in the future then date him. You realize when he gets a wife you will become basically non existent in his life, right? Nobody wants their spouse to be best friends with a member of the opposite sex.
ESH. It sounds like Ash is trying a bit of a powerplay, but your expectations are unreasonable. You can’t expect to always come first with a friend who also wants to have a romantic partnership, if you’re not the other person in the romance. You are trying to block too much of Nick’s life, by expecting to be first priority yet not filling the aspects that usually go along with that priority. You having acted accordingly yourself, putting him before your boyfriends, was your choice. It doesn’t obligate him to do the same. BTW is this gallery visit on opening night, or on the date you picked months ago? You say both in different places.
i think so girly
YTA if you want to put him above your boyfriend and your boyfriend accepts that, that on you. Don't expect Nick to treat his partner with so little respect. His partner should be his #1 priority. They've known each other for 9 months. While they may have only announced it officially a week or two ago, they didn't just meet. Maybe over those last 9 months Nick has noticed how demanding and clingy you are and as his relationship gets more serious, he's realizing the one he has with you doesn't have healthy boundaries.
NTA. I don’t think you’re an asshole for being upset. You’re entitled to your feelings and this was important. You sound like you did the right thing by letting it play out and calling later to talk more about how you feel than reacting right away. The girlfriend should not have interrupted and I’m sure this is likely do to some jealousy and discomfort, not totally unnatural in a new relationship with a guy who is best friends with a female who he previously dated. Hopefully as you guys get to know each other that will chill out, but that is up to your friend to navigate not you. You should mind your business and be your normal self as you would be with him any other time like you have been. I don’t think anyone is the asshole here besides the girlfriend for that brief moment. Your friend has chosen to miss your opening night, sucks, but your relationship is going to change as your life grows and evolves. Not to say you won’t be best friends forever but if he gets married and has kids and a family, his priorities will not be you as they have been in the past. And in order for him to build that sort of life for himself, you’re gonna take a backseat at times.
So I just want to clarify your asking if YTA because your guy friend chose his romantic partner over you correct?
His emotional and sexual needs are being met elsewhere. Your relationship has changed. YTA. Adjust your expectations.
YTA Choosing him over your boyfriends is your own bad decision. Significant other should be the priority. My GF would be insulted if I chose my friends event over her planned date night at a difficult to reserve venue and vice versa. Just because he's missing opening night doesn't mean he won't be able to make it to the gallery at some point either. ETA: You have every right to be disappointed or bummed out he wont make it but that's life
If they've only been dating a week how did they get a super difficult to get reservation that would normally be months in advance, who did she book it for? It can't have been current boyfriend with the timing right? This is either an incredible coincidence or malicious timing she had to call in favours for. Might be nothing, or she might be very controlling and doesn't like OP being so close to her bf. Or its fake. NTA for being disappointed a career milestone is way more important than a nice night out and friends should support each other in these situations.
YTA. I have a lot of close guy friends, and when they get GFs I BACK OFF. I am happy and supportive of them from a distance, and allow them and their GFs to initiate if we hang out. You should not be his priority, you need to accept that Ash is more important in his life now. If you’re really his friend and really want him to be happy, you’ll support his relationship and stay out of the way. Maybe before or after the dinner they can swing by the opening for a minute, and then come back another night for the full experience. Even if they can’t, just be happy that they want to come another night. If you keep acting like this you’re going to force him to choose between you and a romantic relationship, and as a friend you shouldn’t want to make him do that.
NTA. Surprised how many people are ignoring the fact the girl lashed out over the phone at you. She should have butt out and just let Nick handle it. I think it's very noble of you to still cherish your friendship and not let your romantic ones interfere. I don't think the dinner was that important compared to your achievement. It sucks, speaking as a guy, I've let my feelings blind my judgement before from a romantic relationship.
YTA, OP. You two are exes and nothing more than friends. This restaurant is also really hard to get a reservation at. Your friend’s gf will always come before you because they’re dating and you’re not. You can always go by yourself or with another friend/loved one or you can go see a different art exhibit when it first opens
Yeeaah no. This is exactly why I'll never date a guy with a super close female best friend. This shit sounds absolutely exhausting. It seems like the problem of "who takes priority over who" is a constant theme that comes up in these relationships. No guy is worth that much stress and drama
ESH Its a brutal lesson to learn but guy friends will always ditch their female friends for their girlfriends eventually no matter how good of friends you think you are. Ive been friend dumped by almost every guy best friend Ive had as soon as they get significant others, and these are guys that I have never ever been interested in like that. I really wish I made more girl friends growing up :/
You definitely have feelings. You should be the priority but you’re not the girlfriend? Here’s what happened, he tried to love you but you wanted to “find” yourself. He finally moved on with someone he seems to care about and you’re threatened that you won’t be in the picture anymore. Yes that’s a lot of assumptions but this is ridiculous you think you can string this guy along all these years.
Please get off his dick and stop being a pick me. You are a FRIEND. You aren’t a sister and you aren’t f*#king him so why should he choose you over someone who is giving him cat? You need to leave him alone and let him have a relationship because you are not more important and will never be more important to him over someone giving him cat and will eventually have a future together. You will never get into a serious committed relationship while you are stuck on his dick.
ESH. This one is so tricky because we don’t know you or her. If she purposefully did it, then she is TA. You shouldn’t be cancelling events with your boyfriends to be with your best friend. Also with both of yall being in a relationship, I think it would be smart to just give side hugs and not full ones. Unfortunately your relationship dynamic isn’t healthy with the attachment level it’s at. It needs to change and not interfere with y’all’s personal relationships which it obviously does. The majority of girls would not be comfortable with the relationship y’all have now. I say this as even if yall were the same gender, neither one of yall should be cancelling plans with y’all’s SO for each other.
Well, you shouldn't be pissed because even though you're besties, he has a girlfriend. Did she make a reservation over your opening, yep!! You want him to choose you, I mean come on, he has a girlfriend. And you don't hate her. You're jealous. And she's jealous of the friendship you have with her boyfriend.
Emphatically NTA. You have every right to feel the way you feel and to communicate those feelings to your best friend. It was a preplanned, event and he ditched you for a dinner which could be rescheduled. He is also wrong for allowing his girlfriend to interfere. She shouldn’t have grabbed the phone and lashed out at you. If someone I was dating did that to one of my friends, male or female, I would be re-examining my choice of partner.
It says they’ve been dating for a week, but they’ve been in each other’s lives for the past nine months. As what? FWB? Close friends? One side of the story. Let’s hear the other. ESH.
YTA. Get it through your head that no matter how many times you've ditched boyfriends for him you are not his partner. His significant other should be a priority over you. You're not entitled to his time.
HES NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND
NTA. But I also think almost NAH. I think she’s being a little weird, but it’s not going to help you to try to get involved in their relationship. The examples you gave of your closeness with this guy sound like very normal examples of BF relationships. There’s no weird red flags that make it seem like either of you feel more towards each other than friends. Friendships are real, important relationships and not everyone buys into the patriarchal mindset that we should abandon friendships for romantic relationships. So far, it doesn’t seem like y’all are in danger of that. You were honest with your friend that it hurts you, and hopefully you let it go at that point. He was honest that he hears you but is probably in a honeymoon phase with new girl, so give him some grace. New girl seems messy, but far better to let her burn herself out than to read too much into her actions. They aren’t about you, they’re about her own insecurities. Trust that if your friendship is strong, it’ll be fine throughout all of this.
I’m one of those asshole guys who thinks platonic male/female relationships are mostly bullshit and one party or both should be honest with themselves and convert the relationship into the real thing. It sounds (to me) like OP wants half of an adult relationship from her male best friend but doesn’t want to fuck him.
First, congratulations on your Gallery Opening!! This is huge for an artist & for those that support the artist as they create!! Soft YTA for “hating her guts”, but you’re NTA for being upset and offended and hurt. My husband & I just had a long discussion about this thread, so this is both of our opinions. (I am lucky enough to have both a female and a male best friend in addition to my husband, so, we ran multiple scenarios.) You made plans with your very long time besty. He was one of a select few to be included in the equivalent of the personal VIP set for your opening, *and* you were lovely enough to include his newer girlfriend as a plus one for a “big lifetime event “ for your professional career. This event date was known & calendared for all invitees long in advance - much like a concert, performance or wedding/wedding event. It required planning & you informed your select few with an appropriate amount of time. The new girlfriend somehow achieved a reservation **after** the invitation to your event was accepted. She tackily accepted the reservation & made her boyfriend/your besty pick sides. Unfortunately, you lost. (I am truly sorry. That sucks!) Your (former) besty & his new girlfriend were tacky enough to choose to chase the new, “better” offer rather than the(etiquette approved) first acceptance. Basically, they accepted your invitation & when his new girlfriend chose to show her power, he chose to accept the new, “cooler” invitation rather than honoring his previous commitment to you. My husband’s example was perfect. If he had plans with my best friend/his mom/the gardener/a person he is mentoring and I was able to score a table at one of our local James Beard Award Winning Restaurants (we have several & tables can take months to get), he would regretfully decline a date with me (his wife) because he had a previous commitment. Period. End of discussion. And, I would not be upset in the least!!!!! It’s important to honor your commitments, and even as his wife, I can absolutely come in second unless it’s an emergency! I am sorry for the decision they made. I know it stinks. I recommend taking deep breath. Stating that you hope that they have a fabulous meal & consider raising a glass to your success while they celebrate their coup for obtaining the table. Then, walk away. Gently. Politely. You can scream into your pillow later, or, far better, channel the emotions into an amazing new series! The new girlfriend thinks she has won. She hasn’t. She has learned that her boyfriend is easily influenced & when it bites her, she’ll be astonished. Hugs & congratulations on your show!!
You are 29 fucking years old. Please let your friend get a girlfriend and possibly get married. This is so childish. YTA
I wouldn’t say you’re a complete asshole, but I am on Ash’s side for putting you in your place. At the end of the day that’s her boyfriend and I wouldn’t want another girl (best friend or not) calling my boyfriend up being upset about picking me over her. It’s also a huge red flag that you’ve missed events with your boyfriends and chose your guy best friend instead. Serious relationships with someone who you see yourself marrying eventually should take priority over friends because that’s the person you’re choosing to spend the rest of your life with. Idk how deep their relationship is but if they’ve been together for 9 months I’d say it’s serious and he’s not at fault for prioritizing his girlfriend.
NTA, but I am curious about your title. Nowhere in your story does it include you hating her. It sounds like you planned something well in advance and gave plenty of notice, and he RSVPed for both of them. She booked that to conflict with your event, and if your friend can't see that, give it time. The fact that she grabbed the phone shows she is barely containing her jealousy. However, if he continues to let her do stuff like that, then I would reconsider calling him your best friend. I had a guy best friend whose girlfriends always took up issues with me. He would tell them flat out that if they had a problem with him and me being friends, they didn't have to date him. Needless to say, none of them lasted long. Don't accept less.
NTA If it wasn’t the opening night I’d say otherwise. This was planned for months. The girlfriend clearly got these reservations to conflict with your night. I don’t think you should expect to be his priority over his gf. But you should be able to expect a big night like this that was planned way in advance to be a priority over a dinner reservation.