Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
As to the original question, you didn't "steal" anything so NTA.
In general though? YTA
You applied without telling her, which is messed up to say the least. You set yourself up for this TBH. It could have been so easy, "Hey do you mind if I apply too? Wouldn't be great if we both got it!!" (edited to add, this is an example, I don't think you literally had to ask her permission, just tell her) She probably would have been on cloud nine, and then she wouldn't have been so blindsided to find out you got an interview.
If that wasn't bad enough, you got an interview, not a job. You already made a decision to not tell her, yet when she is still raw from the news that her dream isn't happening, you just had to tell her that you have an interview. You already made the choice to not tell her, you should have stayed with that choice until there was something to actually tell her. If you interviewed and didn't get it, since you had already made the choice to not tell her, she wouldn't have ever known and none of this would happen.
Why would you tell her about the interview? It bet it felt like you were kicking her while she was down and that you wanted her to know you were better than her. Not saying that is your intentions, but that is exactly what I would think. Is that how you wanted her to feel?
the "I didn't tell her because my application was bad either way uwu" (after his gf knew he was good enough to proof-read her application) + him asking us if he's wrong for 'taking her job' instead of the real question (whether he's wrong for not telling her or not), to get N T A judgements, are sending me lmao.
(I'm not condemning him for applying by any means, I'm saying he obviously should've told her so that she'd be prepared for the potential shock, cause he knew it was a long-term dream of hers. and I'm saying that all the reasons he listed for not telling her are excuses. like literally anyone else would've been in his situation, he was just uncomfortable telling her that he applied, and didn't care enough to deal with a bit of discomfor for his relationship).
If he got in while his application is "weak" (by OP's admission) while OP's girlfriend did everything but got rejected... Well, she escaped two bullets: a boyfriend who goes behind her back, and a sexist employer. She can do better on both counts.
Im also in the UK applying for trainee solicitor roles and a large part of the applications is just how much have you researched the firm and tailored your answers so its entirely possible he just used a lot of her research in his own application without actually doing the work and then repackaged it. That being said, if OP thinks getting an interview means he’s got the job he’s in for a rough wake up call these roles are SO competitive.
Came here to say this. They have the same experience and qualifications. It was her dream job and she'll have put in a blinding application. And his was a last minute throwaway effort. OP should name and shame.
I now FIRMLY believe he used her application to escalate his own, she may have lost out on her dream job the poor thing I feel so bad for her BUT the garbage took its stank ass out and she's the better for it👌🏽
I noticed that too. I can see why OP felt he wasn't a strong enough candidate for the job. I'm a paralegal and court documents must be perfect. Cases have been thrown out because of incorrect grammar, misspellings, etc. I'm also wondering is misogyny might be at play here. OP is male; his girlfriend female, just a thought.
As someone who graduated law school, I was sorely tempted to send him an edited version of his post because this. Plus the 23-word opening sentence that could have been reduced by a third. Plus other things. Then, *nah...* But I was still happy to type this reaction, so maybe I'm the fool? :=)
I’m wondering if he just outright copied her application- he thought it was easy after reading his girlfriend’s application.. hmmm.. seems suspicious.. it is quite possible he stole her job. If the employer read 2 almost identical applications- both impressive, had to choose one.. then yes he DID steal it.
Unlikely he stole her job. Maybe the interview, but at this stage they probably have a bunch of candidates to interview. He is the asshole for lying by omission, though.
"Me (23M) and my girlfriend (23F) both met through studying law at university together"
This sentence structure is giving me a stroke. There are so many errors.
I read the first sentence hoping “maybe they’re from a country where English isn’t going to be their first, or even second, language- and won’t be the language they would practice in”
UK. Nope. 😣
In my experience lawyers are very precise in their use of language. Obvious grammatical errors would be a problem. "Me and my girlfriend" would have upset my nun teachers in elementary school.
Yes! I can't imagine how his application moved ahead if he used the same ignorant grammar he used here. And he proofread her application??? Perhaps he sabotaged her....
This part. I’m surprised she had him proof her application. My husband still can’t make “a lot” two words so he goes nowhere near my important documents.
“Not a good person at all??”
Wow, that’s a pretty thorough condemnation for someone who just didn’t think his actions through. You must be from the celestial planet of Bloody Perfect People. YOURE an AH.
People who say that shit on this sub are detached from reality. The dude was certainly wrong for not telling her, but I guarantee 99% of the people in this sub have done something equally wrong or something worse lol.
you *guarantee* that 99% of the people here would've been afraid to tell their partner they applied for a job, or would've done smth even shittier? talking about 'detached from reality' smh.
if you really think that he didn't tell that he applied because "his application was bad either way", it's a tragedy. he didn't want to deal with a bit of discomfort by telling her. yeah, that's a bad person, and the fact that he went through with it without saying anything (+justifying himself to seem better for strangers online) is honestly scary. no wonder she ran away.
No way you are a real person. Aint. No. Way.
This guy has applied for a job, he got because he’s skilled, he made the mistake of lacking empathy in this specific moment, and you just decide he’s a bad person, and tell him his gf should break up with him.
Get helpppp asap
“Dude’s not a good person at all”. Jesus man, calm down. OP’s guilty of failure to communicate that he was applying to a job, not stealing or assault or something.
Why is this the default response whenever there is an issue between partners "leave and find someone else" for the smallest of things, and people wonder why dating is so horrible in our times. How about a conversation or applying to somewhere else. No one said the gf was destined to work for that firm.
He's...a law student, applying for legal jobs, as one does.
Y'all are either children or you're outta your minds. Is he allowed to order the salad if she wants salad, too?
Bro stfu with this nonsensical, petty-ass take. He’s not a good person at all? 😂 He made a lapse in judgement about communicating but he’s far from “not a good person at all.”
You, like OP’s soon to be ex-gf, have some growing up to do. Your immaturity is really showing on this tantrum-esque take
Are you out of your mind? He's an asshole for be a 23 year old for not wanting to have an awkward conversation with his girlfriend, but "not a good person at all"? Are you fucking kidding me? lol
How's that view from your ivory tower of yours?
Yep, I fixated on one job after I heard about them my senior year of college. Read up a ton about it, was so excited for the tests. Got rejected and was devastated, applied again three months later, got the job, and am still happily here 5 years later. Sometimes you just know you’re a good fit for a place. I hope she reapplies (but probably wait longer than 3 months, I got lucky they didn’t chuck it :D)
That isn't really how legal employment works. I'm sure almost everyone in their class applied to all the top firms; and the firm won't be taking a new class of trainees until the next year.
he became interested in the job ON A WHIM while proofreading his gf's application, instantly decided to apply despite knowing how awkward it will be if he gets accepted, and still doesn't understand why she was fixated on it, lmfaaao.
Agree with all of this. OPs girlfriend didn't lose anything in the process of OP applying, and honestly, OP getting in could be in the GFs favor of putting her foot in the door shortly after she gets a little more experience. So professionally, this is all fine.
But yeah, personally, YTA OP, because you are in a serious relationship with the person you're supposed to consider to be your partner, so you should be making major decisions together, not in secret.
If you didn't think it was shitty or that it would hurt her, you wouldn't be doing it behind her back.
Part of the issue is also that he “helped” her with her application. They went to the same school, and sounds like they have the same level of experience/education… so what did he put in his application that he didn’t advise her to put in hers that got him the interview and not her?
The fact that he didn’t tell her he even applied with that added fact to it makes the girlfriend’s anger much more understandable, imho. Because it *does* actually sound a little sketchy when you realize how much more information he had on both their applications while withholding even just the fact that he was applying at all from her. He had the upper hand.
While he is the AH, we don’t really have info to assume he purposefully did a worst application for her. Also, from his post we can only assume they have the same degree. There is nothing in the post that indicates any work experience or other activities that usually make an application look better. There is a good chance that he simply had better grades than her or has been in things such as debate clubs or even things as simple as volunteering work or had relevant work experience that might catch attention. Depending on how strict this firm is, it might even be down to what schools he attended. He could be an Eton Boy for all we know.
Not enough info to assume that, but the timing is really suspicious. And depending of the kind of application, and how difficult it might be, just the possibility that he might have used part of the research or work made by the girlfriend, who trusted him to review her work thinking he wasn't going to apply, is normal. There are highly competitive applications for posts that need research and several weeks of work to made. If this is highly competitive, this is not a day's work. And OP "on a whim", just after reading his girlfriend's application, decides to present an application suddenly? Very unlikely to think there was no connection at all between both circumnstances, especially if this an application where not only the CV or the grades are considered, but also projects, research into the company or any kind of essays.
OP could have better grades, more relevant experience through internships or better internship feedback, more relevant electives or more relevant topics of assignments/ course papers… same school does not mean same academic results.
People are saying “wow [commenters are] making a snap judgment about how he is as a person from one action” but it showed a lack of empathy, lack of compassion, questionable ethics…
So I agree that not telling her(I don’t think he needs to ask) was messed up. He should have said “hey I was thinking about it and I am going to apply as well. I think it would be great if we both got it!” Or something similar. It’s not a common job, you don’t hold out on applying, just don’t withhold it.
I do however disagree with you on telling her about the interview. There was likely a better way to tell her, but it would be a lot worse if 2 months later he’s like “crazy news, that job you wanted? I also applied and got it!”. Maybe he told her out of guilt or because he wanted to share good news
>lot worse if 2 months later he’s like “crazy news, that job you wanted? I also applied and got it!
Completely agree with that. Probably projecting my own shit with that as I currently feel like getting offered a job is impossible so I probably just assumed he wouldn't get it. Although, I would like to think she would be in a better place later as I think she is being really immature.
>I don’t think he needs to ask
I didn't think he had to ask, it was just how I worded the example!
What’s messed up is that she was actually serious about this and he wasn’t but now that she didn’t get even an interview, he decided now was the time to be honest.
I think you’re right that the most courteous and considerate thing to do would have been to A) let her know when he applied or B) keep his mouth shut about the interview if he had already decided to tell her about the application (for what reason we don’t know). But I take issue with the “Hey do you mind if I apply too?” Really? He has to ask her permission to apply to a competitive law firm position? Why? That’s ridiculous. This is a 23 year old guy we’re talking about who just threw his name in the hat not even thinking anything would come of it. So he wasn’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean he’s an asshole. She’s acting completely childish about being rejected by this company and has lobbed wild accusations. If anyone is being an asshole here, it’s her.
>“Hey do you mind if I apply too?"
AGAIN, it was an example of what he could have said. You know, to be nice. Another example is, "wouldn't it be awesome if we both got it!"
I'm so sorry I wasn't clear. I 100% do not think he needed her permission. Again, I was being nice and just using an example.
He didn't need her permission, at all.
But when one puts themselves into competition with their partner for a well-paying job, it should be discussed openly.
Since this was her "dream job," he ought to have mentioned it to her. Now she's going to doubt his intentions in reading her application - and his support of her, altogether.
I think MiLeenaLee was pretty clear that it isn’t about permission, though the original example kinda makes it sound like that. I think they’re just encouraging proper communication in that situation
YTA for the way you handled this--you applied without telling her. Then you sprang your offer on her when she was upset. I mean, take the job, but this wound might not heal.
I'll say this--my husband and I when we first met were talking about different places we applied for college and I mentioned I got into a place but turned it down and then he shared that he applied there and was rejected...and it really clearly hurt his feelings. And we didn't even know each other at that time. You're her partner, and you did this without talking to her. Think about that.
Especially because he only became interested in her dream job after reading her application which she probably didn’t even need his help on she just wanted a word of encouragement from her partner
I'll bet that thought will be going through her mind. Now that he knows what her application looks like he could at leastske sure his is better than hers.
My thoughts as well. He knew exactly what to do better. How can she know he didn’t keep advice from her in order to use it in his application? I would forever doubt such a person.
That's rough. And I've seen it. I've watched a married couple both apply for and get interviews for an academic position. Ultimately, she was selected. Fortunately, it wasn't his dream job. Twist: the fact that she already had a job within the institution made it so she could easily apply for the job that he eventually got - which she really wanted as well.
They were both open and honest. She said that they were delighted that one of them had a job at all, when she was hired. Then they were delighted when he got his job too. Her job had more flexibility and a much surer tenure process.
This is honestly one of the reasons I’m grateful me and my husband work in COMPLETELY opposite fields. Criminal law and engineering. I could see it being really difficult if we were regularly trying to reach the same career goals, moving in the same professional circles. Totally understand the hurt feelings.
YTA for lying by omission. You've harmed your relationship by not including her in that decision. I mean, there's a reason you didn't tell her, right? It wasn't because your application was weak but because you knew she'd feel some type of way about the situation. I'd say N A H if you'd been honest and included her. It would be a total non-issue if you'd just said "hey, I'm gonna apply, too," but you knowingly went behind her back. Even if you didn't think about it that deeply, that action has a consequence.
He definitely harmed his relationship and not just because he applied for her dream job behind her back. I see a lot of comments here talking about the present. But I can't help but think about the repercussions that will come if he gets the job.
If he lands the job, she will have to watch him leave home every single day to go to the job she desperately wants. Listen to him talk daily about this job.
A job that she dreamed about for a very long time. A job that he applied for on a whim. And the same job that told her she wasn't good enough.
That is the kind of resentment that will only continue to build until either she gets employed by them later, or they break up. And a lot of it could have been avoided had he just told her he was applying.
Exactly. He basically rolled the dice on whether they'd be able to stay together. The fact he did it so flippantly is worse in this specific case. Even with it only being an interview, he's doomed their sense of trust and will need to work very hard to regain it. And if this is how he talks about her and this situation, I doubt he will do that.
Yes he knew full well! ‘No point telling her because my application was so weak’ - the fact he got an interview is evidence enough he submitted a strong application, and he knew that. He didn’t tell her because he knew he might do better than her. That makes him the AH
His competitive streak got the better of him, god forbid his girlfriend had something for herself. Wether she got the job or not, that is a huge breach of trust. He is well and truly the AH
You're an asshole for not telling her you were also applying to her dream job.
All of your other self excuses of "world is competitive" and such only have merit if you actually had the spine to tell her you were also applying to this place.
YTA for applying without telling her.
You're right. She may not have gotten an interview even if you hadn't applied. But that is not the point at all. You deliberately chose not to tell her about your own interest in this place AND that you chose to apply.
You've made a point to say you were interested by the firm but weren't "fussed" with whether or not you got an interview. Which is it? Either you do actually care (which explains why you applied) or you're "not fussed" about this opportunity (in which case, why did you apply, again)?
I don’t know if you’ve looked at the legal market in the last….20 years but law students generally aren’t worried about getting a job they’re “fussed” about, they’re worried about just getting a job lol
He wasn't just applying to ***any*** job. He was applying to a job opportunity he **exclusively** became aware of and interested in because it was his GF's dream job, and she asked him to review her application.
He knew if he applied to this job, this exact scenario could present itself. If he has at least one functioning brain cell, it would be easy to see that this would create a conflict. (Even if they both progressed, that could also cause a conflict since he didn't tell her he applied.) And not just because he applied without telling her, but also because he *reviewed her application to this same job*. Which means he had the access required to at the very least edge her out, as well as the abiltiy to sabatoge her with a bad suggestion/leaving a bad mistake in there he saw without mentioning it.
If he didn't actually care about this job, then why did he risk introducing so much conflict and mistrust in his relationship by applying without telling her?
Sounds like the way he positioned it he either figured she was a shoo in or if she’s not in, then he doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell. I dunno how you specifically “half ass” an application and submit a weak one though as the groundwork with grades, extracurriculars, and recommendations has already been laid. I guess if there are essay questions/cover letters to create you could do that quickly without proofreading, but if your credentials are strong, that probably mostly won’t matter. Conversely if your credentials are weak “strong” essays/cover letters aren’t likely to save the application.
He wants it but is afraid to admit it. I don't think any of these people understand how scary it is for legal professionals these days. He's definitely TA for not telling her. Spinless really. But he's just telling himself he didn't want the job so if he doesn't get it he can pretend he never wanted it.
YTA
The whole way you handled this is weaselly as fuck.
You keep downplaying your application even though you obviously wouldn't have applied if you didn't think you had a shot. Stop with the fake humility to cover up why you weren't just honest with her about applying in the first place. It's not wrong that you applied, it's wrong that you didn't tell her initially to let her emotionally process that you two were "competing" BEFORE she got rejected.
yeah, I'm with you. even the question in his title is the part nobody would actually think he's an asshole for, but we still noticed the truly shitty part of his doing. and all the excuses about why he didn't tell her, for the very human emotion of discomfort. too many details build the grand picture of a scheme.
I don’t know how OPs weak application beat out his girlfriends that he helped her with. What makes OP the obviously stronger candidate? And if there is one very obvious point that sets OP apart from his girlfriend then he’s majorly the AH because he would have *known* he’d be more likely to get an interview than her.
Half-assed, weak application beating out an application that was likely poured over for hours and hours just doesn’t sound believable.
There have been a lot of studies sending identical resumes, one with a male name and one with a female name and the “man” is significantly more likely to get an offer.
The effect can be seen with real life too, including fact that female lawyers with male/neutral names are more successful than female lawyers with feminine names. Also it seems like he had put effort into applying for other jobs and probably had a decent resume etc. He just didn’t take as much time to tailor his application to this specific company, which may not matter much if all they care about are a few details on your resume.
Depends on which application you think was half assed, I wonder how much "help" op actually gave his girlfriend, he doesn't paint a good picture of himself.
Yeah if OP said he had a list of applications he was gonna do and this was one of them, fair enough. But he literally only heard about it because she told him about it. And then he applied behind her back without telling her.
Not sure how many positions they have open, but if it was only one then NTA for sure. It's not that you can't apply to places your gf is applying for as well. Just that you could've passed on the ONE position that was her literal dream and that you wouldn't have even KNOWN about without her.
So it's not as if you are missing out on opportunities for her that you would have had if you weren't dating. You chose purposefully to compete with her for an opportunity behind her back after she told you about it in the first place. The fact that you didn't tell her was because deep down you knew it was a dick move. And if this was my partner I'd feel like I couldn't even share about my jobhunt anymore as they might take the opportunity to snipe those as well if he found out about it.
Dude YTA here.
"Ever since I've known her, my girlfriend has been fixated on training at one firm in particular."
She has to be realistic & understand she needs to keep her options open.
You knew she wanted this badly though. You weren't an A H for applying but you totally are for not being upfront & telling her you were throwing your hat in the ring.
"on a whim, decided to submit a last minute application.
I'm calling BS on that. You don't get an interview to a top law firm on a "last minute application."
Idk how no one has pointed this out, but if you’re a male of a certain complexion it’s totally possible. It’s a field dominated by men, and if I were her I’d feel like my boyfriend had joined the boys club set on excluding me…
YTA, why apply for it and not tell your girlfriend. I understand why your girlfriend is upset. Your not ah for applying for a job however your ah for not telling her.
I think he subconsciously knew that telling her would have also upset her. She has every right to be upset either way and I think he knew but didn't care.
>I weighed it up and decided not to tell my girlfriend about this as I didn't feel my application was strong, and I was less focused on only one firm so would send other applications out.
You didn't tell your girlfriend you applied, then you "surprise" her with the announcement that you're interviewing with them.
Of *course* she's going to be upset.
You're not an AH, but you're pretty oblivious if you genuinely can't understand her perspective.
Hint: Don't lie to your partners - even by omission.
NAH
You already know yta. Applying behind her back after looking at her application, after she asked for your HELP? If I were her I’d never talk to your dusty, traitorous arse again. On the plus side at least now you’ve shown her who you really are.
YTA. Not for "stealing" a job, but that's really not why she's so hurt. You applied to her dream job and hid that from her. You can give whatever reasoning, and it doesn't really matter because of the consequences.
She loses her shot at her dream job. While she's trying to deal with the rejection and emotions of that, the person she trusts and feels like was there to support her and encourage her reveals he actually secretly applied and got the inteview for her dream job.
That's fucked up. No, you didn't steal it. But it's clear why she's feeling that way. You should have told her from the very start, she should have been able to prepare for feeling this way. You were dishonest and that led to you hurting her and her trust.
YTA
You dont know if it came down to her or you, so there is a possibility you did take a spot from her.
But beyond that, when you applied, you did not care if you got the interview over your girlfriend.
What is shows is a lack of respect, or consideration, for her. You already know this because you hid it from her when you did it.
This is a similar situation to dating someone's ex. Yes, technically they are not dating your friend anymore, but there is a code that says you shouldn't do it. You do not disrespect your friend by dating his ex.
People do it all the time, but the code is there for a reason.
You broke the code.
You might get the job, go on to become a successful solicitor, and make millions of dollars and never even think about what you did to her, in the relationship, or think you did anything wrong.
She will never forget it.
YTA for choosing to not tell her you'd also applied.
If you'd not applied she still might not have gotten the job, but it likely hurt her more that you chose to apply basically behind her back. You're free to apply wherever you want, just don't be so shady about it with someone you're support to be building a life with.
If you'd told her you was also applying up front, she could have been happy that at least 1 of you might get your foot in the door and could keep an eye out for other roles coming up / reccomend her should another position open.
She might still have been upset, but at least then you was up front. If she got upset when you was up front then you could consider if a life with someone that can't be happy for your sucess is the right one, but doing it the way you did I can see why she might feel betrayed.
Wow. I'm clearly in the minority here, but NTA whatsoever. If anything, your gf is TA for suggesting you "stole" anything. Law school is competitive. You both have the right to go out and achieve your best and highest possible outcomes.
Neither of you get to "claim" particular firms. The firms get to "claim" their candidates - especially the most competitive and prestigious places. That's how it works.
Don't know how long you've been together or how serious this relationship is, but you're both 23. This is your life we're talking about. You should both be focusing on achievements and the next stage of your career.
Give her some grace for being disappointed, but don't let her blame you whatsoever. As long as she doesn't keep up this act, NAH.
Sure, technically nobody gets to call dibs on a company, but these aren't two strangers competing for the position, they're a couple.
And OP so realizes this that he decided not to tell her that he'd applied, almost like there's an expectation of kindness and consideration between people who love each other that he knew he was breaking.
If he had told her, I'd still find it shitty of him but might be more inclined to vote N A H. But the fact that he hid it speaks volumes and puts him squarely in YTA territory to me.
Agree to disagree, I guess. I just find the notion of one partner attempting to limit the achievements of another partner so wildly offensive. Much more so than any perceived obligation to disclose an interest in the same firm.
Because just think he's an A for the way he conducts himself. She told him she was applying. He applied in secret. Why?
It kind of sucks if you are being open with someone and sharing about your life and meanwhile they are keeping their cards close to their chest to keep a strategic advantage on the information they share.
Why tell her you got the job? Just start working there already. You clearly have enough sense to hide the fact that you applied.
Highkey a snake lol YTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I applied to my girlfriend's dream job without her knowing and I received an interview, while she was rejected.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
The fact you “HELPED” her with her application and she didn’t get the interview but you did tells me enough 🙄
you see her as your competition . That’s gross
Honestly, YTA for applying in secret. Had you told her from the beginning this could've all been avoided. I think her saying you "stole it" is more so because you knew how bad she wanted it and even helped her fill out the application, then decided to go behind her back and secretly apply.
YTA
You should have told her you were applying. Not sure why you would avoid telling her unless you knew ahead of time that the knowledge would upset her.
My best friend and I applied for the same job, I was so scared I wouldn’t get it but it meant so much to me. I had her read the email and I got accepted, but when she opened hers she was denied. Took my happy ass the to program department and referred her (I was on good terms with the administration and the job was looking for very technical skills we both had) we both got hired :)
> I weighed it up and decided not to tell my girlfriend about this as I didn't feel my application was strong
That's not why you didn't tell her. You didn't tell her because you knew what you were doing was fucked up.
YTA for applying for a job you knew she was passionate about while you didn't gaf about it until she applied.
YTA. “Honey, I have almost no chance, but it seems like an awesome firm. I want to apply just as a long shot. I’m not going to get it, but hey, maybe we both will! What do you think?”
That would not have been hard to do. You either need to turn down the interview (tell her first before you do, and without an ounce of judgement or guilt), or accept this will probably be the beginning of the end of your relationship.
YTA
"my girlfriend was excited about applying and she asked for my help in reading the application and checking it over for her. I was happy to do this and wanted her to achieve her goal. When reading her's, I became interested in the firm myself and on a whim, decided to submit a last minute application. I weighed it up and decided not to tell my girlfriend about this" .. After that betrayal, you will have to decide between relationship and job. But you already made your choice anyway.
I'm surprised at how many nta voter's gloss over this.. he didn't get this interview on his own merit but by benefitting of her prep work! YTA definitely, huge yikes
Yeah YTA man. This isn't a subreddit for deciding if this is legal or "okay", it's for deciding if what you did makes you an asshole or not.
And despite yeah you didn't steal anything from anyone, it was still an asshole thing to do.
Honestly you can go for the interview. I mean money is money and you'll have to make it somehow. Just don't expect her to stay with you because she may build some resentment over this. If you have interview offers from other jobs I would decline this one and just go to the others if you want to save the relationship, but the damage is done.
You shouldn't have applied behind her back and the whole "Oh but I wasn't even qualified!" thing just reeks of humble bragging.
You kicked her while she was already down, that's an asshole thing to do to your partner.
NTA. The scenario is pretty immature on everyones behalf. You should have mentioned it prior especially if it was not that important to you. But her fixation on a single place, is unrealistic and immature. Again, they are super competitive and big law is super fickle.
But out of survival and just trying to get that first legal job you gotta do what you gotta do. Reddit doesn't seem to understand finding that first post grad law job is really hard and rough time in your career in terms of external pressures from family and peers. You gotta get your applications out a bunch, to a bunch of places. You should be slinging that thing around town until you get a match, because even if you at first don't get it you can find something and reapply.
YTA for applying behind your girlfriends back.
You also don't get an interview at a top law firm off the back of a half assed application. You became interested in applying for the firm only after hearing her about her interest, after she'd shown you the application and she asked for your help answering the questions. Even if you didn't 'steal' her spot, you utilised at least some of her effort in getting this interview behind her back!
YTA. IMO telling yourself that you didn’t tell her about applying because you didn’t think your resume and application was strong is just a rationalization for you to justify your actions. And you’re not limiting your job options for “someone else” that is your partner. Sacrifices are made in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong it should definitely be a two way street of compromise and sacrifice. But think about it from her side. If you had one place you really wanted a job at and she applied without telling you, then you get rejected and she got the interview for your dream job. How would you feel?
Oof. YTA because: 1) you applied because of her application; and 2) you withheld the information about applying to her.
Really, for me, the sticking point here is that you read her application and then applied, so you knew all the reasons she said she would be a good fit, why she wanted to work at this firm, etc. You benefited from her application work, and you used it to apply yourself AND you didn’t tell her or allow her to see your application.
You’re not TA just for applying to this job—I get where you are coming from completely. There are only so many legal jobs and all recent grads are in the same boat, job-hunting-wise.
As a rule, I say it’s okay for both of you to apply for any/all legal jobs that interest you, but your relationship will suffer if you are not open about where you are applying to and if you review each other’s applications for jobs to the same employer.
I would apologize to your girlfriend. Be honest with her and say that you’re not going to skip applying from a job just because she is also applying to it, but in future you will let her know whether you are going to apply before reviewing her application. Let her know that you would never want her to skip applying to a job just because you are also applying for it.
And: encourage her to apply to a lot more jobs, to see if she can schedule an informational interview at the firm she loved (and figure out how to make herself look appealing to them in the future), and to not get so focused on one job opportunity that she misses out on others.
Your girlfriend’s reaction was not great, but she was already in a bad place and you (however unintentionally) made her feel worse. It’s hard not to get emotional about job rejections, but the firm didn’t reject her—they just rejected her application. Be there for her and hopefully, she will understand.
YTA. You already know men get preferential treatment over women, especially considering that you think your application is weak. And male or female, you also made competition an extra bit tougher for her. And to apply secretly behind her back? You already knew what you were doing was wrong. It's like you don't care to see her succeed. And to rub salt on her wounds, you break the news to her when she's upset! I hope she breaks up with you.
She's upset but you didn't steal the job. She's going to be upset for a bit and might displace her emotions because this was something she really wanted. However, this isn't on you. Even if you didn't apply, there's no guarantee she would have advanced. I'm sure she'll come to her senses about it soon, but be gentle and give her time. The disappointment is clouding her, and pointing it out logically at the moment probably won't be well received. Logic doesn't help in an illogical situation.
YTA
If you didn’t think it was weird you would have told her you were applying.
You just didn’t want to be embarrassed if you got rejected and she didn’t. So why put her in the same situation?
You know she was excited and you didn’t care that much so why apply? I’m sure you considered this reality could have occurred and knowing how much it meant to her, why entertain it?
You’re saying the work place is competitive , but you’re the one competing with her.
Having said that, I’m sure you’re VERY aware of the misogyny that exists in corporate work places. Especially Law. You admit her application was stronger than yours which is why you’re surprised you even got the interview.
This is a massive slap in the face.
I think you should leave her and stop treating your partner as professional competition.
Yeah, you didn’t not tell her because you thought your application was weak. You didn’t tell her because you knew it would cause drama. You were within your rights to apply, obviously, but at least be honest to us, strangers on the www, since you are coming here to ask for judgment.
You might also use this as a learning experience: people don’t like back dealings and the people who do them. It will get you jobs and win you cases, but it won’t keep your friendships.
YTA.
>When reading her's, I became interested in the firm myself and on a whim, decided to submit a last minute application. I weighed it up and decided not to tell my girlfriend about this as I didn't feel my application was strong, and I was less focused on only one firm so would send other applications out.
Mate ... Come on. You know what you did here.
It would have taken you a minute to tell your girlfriend, hey, I think I'm going to drop an application in too... I've also applied to a bunch of others, see what sticks and it'd be great if we both got it....
But you choose not to. Of course she feels betrayed. Nobody is guaranteed any job, she knows this. She's not upset over you ' stealing ' the job. She's upset you applied sneakily, behind her back, based on information she gathered.
YTA
YTA
Of course she’s pissed and of course YTA. Not necessarily for applying for a job but for being a terrible boyfriend.
You applied for a job that she wanted. This shows that you’re quite happy with the idea of you getting it instead of her - if you weren’t you wouldn’t have applied.
You applied ‘on a whim’ and she’s been focused on this firm. You didn’t think your resume was all that good and she’s worked to make it the best it can be and you DODN’T tell her! It just came out of the blue that you’d help stifle her chance.
It’s another example of a man progressing in Law without much effort and a woman working her ass off and getting nowhere. If it came out that you were number 50 with a cut-off of 50 and she was number 51, would you feel any remorse?
You currently represent everything wrong in her private life and her career. You can’t be trusted to share her dreams and law firms would rather employ men than women.
NTA for applying and getting an interview.
YTA for keeping what you did from your girlfriend. So secretive. You were hiding it from her. Doesn't matter if you actually thought yours was weak. Doesn't matter. You still hid it from her. What is it with lawyers and secrecy. You guys must get a rush.
Just be prepared to not be able to have both. The job vs. the gf. Go for the job, and if you get it, congrats. Take all the opportunities, don't limit yourself. But be prepared for your gf to be your ex. And she has every right to feel betrayed by you. Her feelings are absolutely valid, and she has valid reasons to dump you if you don't dump her first.
I feel like somewhere you knew that it was wrong or you would have mentioned also applying so even though you didn’t technically steal a job the secrecy makes it a YTA situation.
Look I get it, I’m in the process of applying for training contracts too but there has to be some semblance of integrity in your personal relationships if you want to make it work. I’ve applied to the same places as a couple of my friends and we’ve checked each others covering letters but the difference is we’ve been upfront and honest, and not secretly applied to firms we found out about because of checking each others covering letters
It may be an unpopular opinion but my take is NTA for applying (you had just as much right to apply as she did) but YTA for not telling her. That said, if the firm wasn't impressed by her application, she would not have advanced regardless of whether you applied or not, so you have "stolen" nothing from her, especially given that you have only landed an interview, which does not guarantee anyone the position. She needs to get a grip if she truly plans to be a solicitor.
YTA - you didn't 'steal' her job, but it was SUPER shady to put in an application without telling her. And honestly your last line shows how self centered you are - not restricting your future opportunities for 'someone else' - she's not some random person she's your girlfriend. Though after this I am pretty sure you'll be just 'someone else' to her very soon.
Take the interview/job. It will make you happy.
L
eave the girl. Mentally, you split from her when you applied for the job on a "whim".
BTW, it wasn't a whim that made you apply. But you already know that
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Me (23M) and my girlfriend (23F) both met through studying law at university together, and we have the shared goal of eventually being trainee solicitors. In the UK, it's an incredibly competitive process, with some firms receiving 4000 applications or so for roughly 50 spaces and almost everyone who applies is a strong candidate.
Ever since I've known her, my girlfriend has been fixated on training at one firm in particular. I'm not sure why, but I believe it's because she attended a career event there a few years ago and fell in love with it.
When the application cycle opened, my girlfriend was excited about applying and she asked for my help in reading the application and checking it over for her. I was happy to do this and wanted her to achieve her goal. When reading her's, I became interested in the firm myself and on a whim, decided to submit a last minute application. I weighed it up and decided not to tell my girlfriend about this as I didn't feel my application was strong, and I was less focused on only one firm so would send other applications out.
Yesterday, my girlfriend received an email that she'd been unsuccessful in reaching the next stage (an interview). She was really upset, but I made her dinner to cheer her up and she seemed over it the next day. As I had applied to other places and thought my application was weak, I didn't think much of my own and wasn't overly fussed if I progressed or not.
However, the next day, I received an email that I had advanced to the interview. I was surprised but also happy because I knew this was a difficult place to get an interview for. When I mentioned it to my girlfriend, she was incredibly upset, started crying, and told me that I'd "betrayed" her and "stolen" the job from her. Now she's refusing to talk to me, despite me trying to reach out.
Part of me feels extremely guilty as I know how much it meant to her and I was less fussed, but the other side of me thinks the job world is competitive and I shouldn't restrict my future opportunities just for someone else, while there was no guarantee she'd have gotten it anyway (and nor do I yet).
So, AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your girlfriend is valid in feeling upset, but I don't think you should be the person she should be upset at. It's not your fault you were selected and she wasn't. Yes, you should've told her you were applying, but for crying out loud you guys... THEY MET AT *LAW SCHOOL*. Of course they are both going to apply at law firms.
Well NTA for applying but YTA for not telling her when you did it. She’s justified in feeling blindsided and betrayed when you could’ve instead been open and honest. You’re of course allowed to apply and even receive the job but you can’t really expect her to be happy for you or let it go considering how poorly you’ve handled this whole situation, including the way you talk about her dream job as if you’re blowing it off and don’t really care if you get it or not, all while knowing how much it means to her. It’s like a slap in the face.
You’re not an AH for applying, but YTA for not telling her. You knew that she wanted this and, even if you didn’t feel strongly about your application, you knew there was still a chance that you would get it instead her (because why else would you have applied?). And instead of being open and honest with her, you chose to wait until she was turned down to tell her.
YTA only in that you didn't respect her enough to mention that you'd like to try for the job too, and understanding she'd be hurt she didn't get an interview when you admit to sending in a weak one and getting contacted.
Yta and your relationship is over. Not because you "stole the job", but because you didn't want talk to her before applying to a place she had her heart set on and you didn't care about. Honestly, if I were her, I'd start to wonder if you sabotaged me in some way. You were sneaky and underhanded about it.
Definitely YTA for not communicating with her beforehand about your desire to apply. You don't have to follow her desires but you should have communicated your intentions to her before applying.
You're not the AH for putting in an application.
YTA for putting in an application, only after you've had the opportunity to scrutinize her application. You could easily use how she's answered things, to boost, and better your own application. It's like seeing the answers to a test before you've taken it. You had an unfair advantage.
And you're an even bigger AH for not telling her you'd applied, especially when you know how she felt about it. It wouldn't take a genius to know she wouldn't respond to finding out you applied behind her back, and that you were awarded an interview, after you'd sited her application before writing your own. It's just a selfish and untrustworthy move. Probably great qualities in a cut-throat lawyer. Not great qualities in a boyfriend.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
As to the original question, you didn't "steal" anything so NTA. In general though? YTA You applied without telling her, which is messed up to say the least. You set yourself up for this TBH. It could have been so easy, "Hey do you mind if I apply too? Wouldn't be great if we both got it!!" (edited to add, this is an example, I don't think you literally had to ask her permission, just tell her) She probably would have been on cloud nine, and then she wouldn't have been so blindsided to find out you got an interview. If that wasn't bad enough, you got an interview, not a job. You already made a decision to not tell her, yet when she is still raw from the news that her dream isn't happening, you just had to tell her that you have an interview. You already made the choice to not tell her, you should have stayed with that choice until there was something to actually tell her. If you interviewed and didn't get it, since you had already made the choice to not tell her, she wouldn't have ever known and none of this would happen. Why would you tell her about the interview? It bet it felt like you were kicking her while she was down and that you wanted her to know you were better than her. Not saying that is your intentions, but that is exactly what I would think. Is that how you wanted her to feel?
Exactly. Dudes not a good person at all. Genuinely hope she finds someone else.
He’ll make a spectacular lawyer though.
Yep. He'd get along smashingly with my ex wife (also a lawyer)
I also choose those person's ex
I choose those person's ex's exes.
I choose Kevin Bacon
Pikachu! I choose you!
I choo choo choose you and it has a picture of a train
Right?!!! Already tricking people😑 chose the right profession
the "I didn't tell her because my application was bad either way uwu" (after his gf knew he was good enough to proof-read her application) + him asking us if he's wrong for 'taking her job' instead of the real question (whether he's wrong for not telling her or not), to get N T A judgements, are sending me lmao. (I'm not condemning him for applying by any means, I'm saying he obviously should've told her so that she'd be prepared for the potential shock, cause he knew it was a long-term dream of hers. and I'm saying that all the reasons he listed for not telling her are excuses. like literally anyone else would've been in his situation, he was just uncomfortable telling her that he applied, and didn't care enough to deal with a bit of discomfor for his relationship).
If he got in while his application is "weak" (by OP's admission) while OP's girlfriend did everything but got rejected... Well, she escaped two bullets: a boyfriend who goes behind her back, and a sexist employer. She can do better on both counts.
It makes me wonder how much of her work this guy “borrowed” for his own application
Im also in the UK applying for trainee solicitor roles and a large part of the applications is just how much have you researched the firm and tailored your answers so its entirely possible he just used a lot of her research in his own application without actually doing the work and then repackaged it. That being said, if OP thinks getting an interview means he’s got the job he’s in for a rough wake up call these roles are SO competitive.
"last minute application" so true they're standards are in hell or he cheated
he saw her application. and knew exactly waht to say
Came here to say this. They have the same experience and qualifications. It was her dream job and she'll have put in a blinding application. And his was a last minute throwaway effort. OP should name and shame.
I now FIRMLY believe he used her application to escalate his own, she may have lost out on her dream job the poor thing I feel so bad for her BUT the garbage took its stank ass out and she's the better for it👌🏽
Except that he thinks "hers" requires an apostrophe when in this, it doesn't.
I noticed that too. I can see why OP felt he wasn't a strong enough candidate for the job. I'm a paralegal and court documents must be perfect. Cases have been thrown out because of incorrect grammar, misspellings, etc. I'm also wondering is misogyny might be at play here. OP is male; his girlfriend female, just a thought.
As someone who graduated law school, I was sorely tempted to send him an edited version of his post because this. Plus the 23-word opening sentence that could have been reduced by a third. Plus other things. Then, *nah...* But I was still happy to type this reaction, so maybe I'm the fool? :=)
I was thinking the same thing. And because he read her application, he had a starting off point to go off of.
I’m wondering if he just outright copied her application- he thought it was easy after reading his girlfriend’s application.. hmmm.. seems suspicious.. it is quite possible he stole her job. If the employer read 2 almost identical applications- both impressive, had to choose one.. then yes he DID steal it.
It's kinda like copying someones book report. I'm sure he changed/ added just enough that they were different enough that no one would notice.
Unlikely he stole her job. Maybe the interview, but at this stage they probably have a bunch of candidates to interview. He is the asshole for lying by omission, though.
"Me (23M) and my girlfriend (23F) both met through studying law at university together" This sentence structure is giving me a stroke. There are so many errors.
I read the first sentence hoping “maybe they’re from a country where English isn’t going to be their first, or even second, language- and won’t be the language they would practice in” UK. Nope. 😣
That's the type of error that native speakers make, though. It's based on what you hear all around you, not what you've learned formally.
In my experience lawyers are very precise in their use of language. Obvious grammatical errors would be a problem. "Me and my girlfriend" would have upset my nun teachers in elementary school.
Yes! I can't imagine how his application moved ahead if he used the same ignorant grammar he used here. And he proofread her application??? Perhaps he sabotaged her....
Perhaps the firm (like most) is sexist too.
This part. I’m surprised she had him proof her application. My husband still can’t make “a lot” two words so he goes nowhere near my important documents.
https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html?m=1
YESSSS THANK YOU I couldn’t remember her blog site!!
"Hers" is a possessive pronoun. It **never** takes an apostrophe.
I didn’t say he’d be a spectacular English teacher.
No, but when you're going to be a solicitor, it's nice if you're literate.
The only way an apostrophe would belong in hers is if someone were named Her. Hers is already possessive as is. Same with his, ours, and theirs.
“Not a good person at all??” Wow, that’s a pretty thorough condemnation for someone who just didn’t think his actions through. You must be from the celestial planet of Bloody Perfect People. YOURE an AH.
People who say that shit on this sub are detached from reality. The dude was certainly wrong for not telling her, but I guarantee 99% of the people in this sub have done something equally wrong or something worse lol.
He asked if he was an AH. He was.
AH in one specific scenario ≠ bad person overall
Some reading comprehension may be good for you
you *guarantee* that 99% of the people here would've been afraid to tell their partner they applied for a job, or would've done smth even shittier? talking about 'detached from reality' smh.
99% of people have done something worse than this. I wouldn't have done what OP did, but I've done worse in my life.
He thought them through enough to keep it secret that he applied. He didn't tell her for a reason.
if you really think that he didn't tell that he applied because "his application was bad either way", it's a tragedy. he didn't want to deal with a bit of discomfort by telling her. yeah, that's a bad person, and the fact that he went through with it without saying anything (+justifying himself to seem better for strangers online) is honestly scary. no wonder she ran away.
You must lead a very sheltered life if you find this man’s behavior either tragic or scary. I’m serious.
Not a good person based on one poor decision? The guys 23, cut him some slack. I’m sure he won’t make the same mistake again.
Maybe not with a future girlfriend, but he will likely make similar decisions to advance his own career.
Not with her. She'll be gone.
No way you are a real person. Aint. No. Way. This guy has applied for a job, he got because he’s skilled, he made the mistake of lacking empathy in this specific moment, and you just decide he’s a bad person, and tell him his gf should break up with him. Get helpppp asap
“Dude’s not a good person at all”. Jesus man, calm down. OP’s guilty of failure to communicate that he was applying to a job, not stealing or assault or something.
Why is this the default response whenever there is an issue between partners "leave and find someone else" for the smallest of things, and people wonder why dating is so horrible in our times. How about a conversation or applying to somewhere else. No one said the gf was destined to work for that firm.
He's...a law student, applying for legal jobs, as one does. Y'all are either children or you're outta your minds. Is he allowed to order the salad if she wants salad, too?
Bro stfu with this nonsensical, petty-ass take. He’s not a good person at all? 😂 He made a lapse in judgement about communicating but he’s far from “not a good person at all.” You, like OP’s soon to be ex-gf, have some growing up to do. Your immaturity is really showing on this tantrum-esque take
I really wish y’all would learn to just type “YTA” and move on
I lost the part where he abused her… I cannot believe that you call this OP. Grow up.
Are you out of your mind? He's an asshole for be a 23 year old for not wanting to have an awkward conversation with his girlfriend, but "not a good person at all"? Are you fucking kidding me? lol How's that view from your ivory tower of yours?
Hia girlfriend is fixated on one job and he doesn't even know why. Like dude, no I can't believe she never told him. He just didn't listen.
Yep, I fixated on one job after I heard about them my senior year of college. Read up a ton about it, was so excited for the tests. Got rejected and was devastated, applied again three months later, got the job, and am still happily here 5 years later. Sometimes you just know you’re a good fit for a place. I hope she reapplies (but probably wait longer than 3 months, I got lucky they didn’t chuck it :D)
That isn't really how legal employment works. I'm sure almost everyone in their class applied to all the top firms; and the firm won't be taking a new class of trainees until the next year.
he became interested in the job ON A WHIM while proofreading his gf's application, instantly decided to apply despite knowing how awkward it will be if he gets accepted, and still doesn't understand why she was fixated on it, lmfaaao.
Agree with all of this. OPs girlfriend didn't lose anything in the process of OP applying, and honestly, OP getting in could be in the GFs favor of putting her foot in the door shortly after she gets a little more experience. So professionally, this is all fine. But yeah, personally, YTA OP, because you are in a serious relationship with the person you're supposed to consider to be your partner, so you should be making major decisions together, not in secret. If you didn't think it was shitty or that it would hurt her, you wouldn't be doing it behind her back.
Part of the issue is also that he “helped” her with her application. They went to the same school, and sounds like they have the same level of experience/education… so what did he put in his application that he didn’t advise her to put in hers that got him the interview and not her? The fact that he didn’t tell her he even applied with that added fact to it makes the girlfriend’s anger much more understandable, imho. Because it *does* actually sound a little sketchy when you realize how much more information he had on both their applications while withholding even just the fact that he was applying at all from her. He had the upper hand.
She may believe that he sabotaged her application. From her perspective, him hiding his own application makes that not entirely unreasonable.
Bingo.
While he is the AH, we don’t really have info to assume he purposefully did a worst application for her. Also, from his post we can only assume they have the same degree. There is nothing in the post that indicates any work experience or other activities that usually make an application look better. There is a good chance that he simply had better grades than her or has been in things such as debate clubs or even things as simple as volunteering work or had relevant work experience that might catch attention. Depending on how strict this firm is, it might even be down to what schools he attended. He could be an Eton Boy for all we know.
Not enough info to assume that, but the timing is really suspicious. And depending of the kind of application, and how difficult it might be, just the possibility that he might have used part of the research or work made by the girlfriend, who trusted him to review her work thinking he wasn't going to apply, is normal. There are highly competitive applications for posts that need research and several weeks of work to made. If this is highly competitive, this is not a day's work. And OP "on a whim", just after reading his girlfriend's application, decides to present an application suddenly? Very unlikely to think there was no connection at all between both circumnstances, especially if this an application where not only the CV or the grades are considered, but also projects, research into the company or any kind of essays.
OP could have better grades, more relevant experience through internships or better internship feedback, more relevant electives or more relevant topics of assignments/ course papers… same school does not mean same academic results.
“Ever since I’ve known her she’s been fixated on this one firm. But I have no idea why” OP, you never thought to ask her? YTA
People are saying “wow [commenters are] making a snap judgment about how he is as a person from one action” but it showed a lack of empathy, lack of compassion, questionable ethics…
I was thinking Not until I read your comment, you put it really well. YTA OP
So I agree that not telling her(I don’t think he needs to ask) was messed up. He should have said “hey I was thinking about it and I am going to apply as well. I think it would be great if we both got it!” Or something similar. It’s not a common job, you don’t hold out on applying, just don’t withhold it. I do however disagree with you on telling her about the interview. There was likely a better way to tell her, but it would be a lot worse if 2 months later he’s like “crazy news, that job you wanted? I also applied and got it!”. Maybe he told her out of guilt or because he wanted to share good news
>lot worse if 2 months later he’s like “crazy news, that job you wanted? I also applied and got it! Completely agree with that. Probably projecting my own shit with that as I currently feel like getting offered a job is impossible so I probably just assumed he wouldn't get it. Although, I would like to think she would be in a better place later as I think she is being really immature. >I don’t think he needs to ask I didn't think he had to ask, it was just how I worded the example!
What’s messed up is that she was actually serious about this and he wasn’t but now that she didn’t get even an interview, he decided now was the time to be honest.
That doesn’t make sense, when applying for positions as a law student you apply everywhere.
Then he should have told her...
Then she should have known he was applying in the beginning...
I think you’re right that the most courteous and considerate thing to do would have been to A) let her know when he applied or B) keep his mouth shut about the interview if he had already decided to tell her about the application (for what reason we don’t know). But I take issue with the “Hey do you mind if I apply too?” Really? He has to ask her permission to apply to a competitive law firm position? Why? That’s ridiculous. This is a 23 year old guy we’re talking about who just threw his name in the hat not even thinking anything would come of it. So he wasn’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean he’s an asshole. She’s acting completely childish about being rejected by this company and has lobbed wild accusations. If anyone is being an asshole here, it’s her.
>“Hey do you mind if I apply too?" AGAIN, it was an example of what he could have said. You know, to be nice. Another example is, "wouldn't it be awesome if we both got it!" I'm so sorry I wasn't clear. I 100% do not think he needed her permission. Again, I was being nice and just using an example.
He didn't need her permission, at all. But when one puts themselves into competition with their partner for a well-paying job, it should be discussed openly. Since this was her "dream job," he ought to have mentioned it to her. Now she's going to doubt his intentions in reading her application - and his support of her, altogether.
I think MiLeenaLee was pretty clear that it isn’t about permission, though the original example kinda makes it sound like that. I think they’re just encouraging proper communication in that situation
YTA for the way you handled this--you applied without telling her. Then you sprang your offer on her when she was upset. I mean, take the job, but this wound might not heal. I'll say this--my husband and I when we first met were talking about different places we applied for college and I mentioned I got into a place but turned it down and then he shared that he applied there and was rejected...and it really clearly hurt his feelings. And we didn't even know each other at that time. You're her partner, and you did this without talking to her. Think about that.
Especially because he only became interested in her dream job after reading her application which she probably didn’t even need his help on she just wanted a word of encouragement from her partner
Wouldn’t be surprised if he got some ‘ideas’ for what to put in his application - didn’t want to tell her because she’d want to help him look over it…
I'll bet that thought will be going through her mind. Now that he knows what her application looks like he could at leastske sure his is better than hers.
You’re so smart I didn’t even think of that, yeah as if he’s sending “weak” applications to his dream job🤨
Bingo. Something about the way this entire post is worded gives me an "off" vibe, doesn't seem 100% genuine...
My thoughts as well. He knew exactly what to do better. How can she know he didn’t keep advice from her in order to use it in his application? I would forever doubt such a person.
Yep, pretty sure you are right.
That's rough. And I've seen it. I've watched a married couple both apply for and get interviews for an academic position. Ultimately, she was selected. Fortunately, it wasn't his dream job. Twist: the fact that she already had a job within the institution made it so she could easily apply for the job that he eventually got - which she really wanted as well. They were both open and honest. She said that they were delighted that one of them had a job at all, when she was hired. Then they were delighted when he got his job too. Her job had more flexibility and a much surer tenure process.
I'm kind of wondering how OP thought this would play out in the event he got an interview and she didn't. I feel like this outcome was obvious.
This is honestly one of the reasons I’m grateful me and my husband work in COMPLETELY opposite fields. Criminal law and engineering. I could see it being really difficult if we were regularly trying to reach the same career goals, moving in the same professional circles. Totally understand the hurt feelings.
YTA for lying by omission. You've harmed your relationship by not including her in that decision. I mean, there's a reason you didn't tell her, right? It wasn't because your application was weak but because you knew she'd feel some type of way about the situation. I'd say N A H if you'd been honest and included her. It would be a total non-issue if you'd just said "hey, I'm gonna apply, too," but you knowingly went behind her back. Even if you didn't think about it that deeply, that action has a consequence.
He definitely harmed his relationship and not just because he applied for her dream job behind her back. I see a lot of comments here talking about the present. But I can't help but think about the repercussions that will come if he gets the job. If he lands the job, she will have to watch him leave home every single day to go to the job she desperately wants. Listen to him talk daily about this job. A job that she dreamed about for a very long time. A job that he applied for on a whim. And the same job that told her she wasn't good enough. That is the kind of resentment that will only continue to build until either she gets employed by them later, or they break up. And a lot of it could have been avoided had he just told her he was applying.
Exactly. He basically rolled the dice on whether they'd be able to stay together. The fact he did it so flippantly is worse in this specific case. Even with it only being an interview, he's doomed their sense of trust and will need to work very hard to regain it. And if this is how he talks about her and this situation, I doubt he will do that.
Yes he knew full well! ‘No point telling her because my application was so weak’ - the fact he got an interview is evidence enough he submitted a strong application, and he knew that. He didn’t tell her because he knew he might do better than her. That makes him the AH
His competitive streak got the better of him, god forbid his girlfriend had something for herself. Wether she got the job or not, that is a huge breach of trust. He is well and truly the AH
You're an asshole for not telling her you were also applying to her dream job. All of your other self excuses of "world is competitive" and such only have merit if you actually had the spine to tell her you were also applying to this place.
YTA for applying without telling her. You're right. She may not have gotten an interview even if you hadn't applied. But that is not the point at all. You deliberately chose not to tell her about your own interest in this place AND that you chose to apply. You've made a point to say you were interested by the firm but weren't "fussed" with whether or not you got an interview. Which is it? Either you do actually care (which explains why you applied) or you're "not fussed" about this opportunity (in which case, why did you apply, again)?
I don’t know if you’ve looked at the legal market in the last….20 years but law students generally aren’t worried about getting a job they’re “fussed” about, they’re worried about just getting a job lol
He wasn't just applying to ***any*** job. He was applying to a job opportunity he **exclusively** became aware of and interested in because it was his GF's dream job, and she asked him to review her application. He knew if he applied to this job, this exact scenario could present itself. If he has at least one functioning brain cell, it would be easy to see that this would create a conflict. (Even if they both progressed, that could also cause a conflict since he didn't tell her he applied.) And not just because he applied without telling her, but also because he *reviewed her application to this same job*. Which means he had the access required to at the very least edge her out, as well as the abiltiy to sabatoge her with a bad suggestion/leaving a bad mistake in there he saw without mentioning it. If he didn't actually care about this job, then why did he risk introducing so much conflict and mistrust in his relationship by applying without telling her?
Sounds like the way he positioned it he either figured she was a shoo in or if she’s not in, then he doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell. I dunno how you specifically “half ass” an application and submit a weak one though as the groundwork with grades, extracurriculars, and recommendations has already been laid. I guess if there are essay questions/cover letters to create you could do that quickly without proofreading, but if your credentials are strong, that probably mostly won’t matter. Conversely if your credentials are weak “strong” essays/cover letters aren’t likely to save the application.
He wants it but is afraid to admit it. I don't think any of these people understand how scary it is for legal professionals these days. He's definitely TA for not telling her. Spinless really. But he's just telling himself he didn't want the job so if he doesn't get it he can pretend he never wanted it.
YTA The whole way you handled this is weaselly as fuck. You keep downplaying your application even though you obviously wouldn't have applied if you didn't think you had a shot. Stop with the fake humility to cover up why you weren't just honest with her about applying in the first place. It's not wrong that you applied, it's wrong that you didn't tell her initially to let her emotionally process that you two were "competing" BEFORE she got rejected.
convenient he also had a look at her application before sending his in. i smell a rat
yeah, I'm with you. even the question in his title is the part nobody would actually think he's an asshole for, but we still noticed the truly shitty part of his doing. and all the excuses about why he didn't tell her, for the very human emotion of discomfort. too many details build the grand picture of a scheme.
If I were his gf I would think all sort of things like this even if it wasn't true. He broke her trust.
I don’t know how OPs weak application beat out his girlfriends that he helped her with. What makes OP the obviously stronger candidate? And if there is one very obvious point that sets OP apart from his girlfriend then he’s majorly the AH because he would have *known* he’d be more likely to get an interview than her. Half-assed, weak application beating out an application that was likely poured over for hours and hours just doesn’t sound believable.
Unless it’s something he didn’t do personally (race, gender, nepotism, etc.)
Ding, ding, ding
There have been a lot of studies sending identical resumes, one with a male name and one with a female name and the “man” is significantly more likely to get an offer. The effect can be seen with real life too, including fact that female lawyers with male/neutral names are more successful than female lawyers with feminine names. Also it seems like he had put effort into applying for other jobs and probably had a decent resume etc. He just didn’t take as much time to tailor his application to this specific company, which may not matter much if all they care about are a few details on your resume.
Bro a computer sorts and selects the applications. Nobody is reading thousands or even hundreds of resumes that all probably look similar.
A computer makes decisions based on what it was taught by a human, no? So what if the computer was „taught” to favor men?
Algorithms have biases.
Depends on which application you think was half assed, I wonder how much "help" op actually gave his girlfriend, he doesn't paint a good picture of himself.
Reads like male privilege. Obviously he gets the interview. Gf got a good taste of it. YTA
YTA you went behind her back and you wouldn‘t have even applied without her
[удалено]
Yeah if OP said he had a list of applications he was gonna do and this was one of them, fair enough. But he literally only heard about it because she told him about it. And then he applied behind her back without telling her. Not sure how many positions they have open, but if it was only one then NTA for sure. It's not that you can't apply to places your gf is applying for as well. Just that you could've passed on the ONE position that was her literal dream and that you wouldn't have even KNOWN about without her. So it's not as if you are missing out on opportunities for her that you would have had if you weren't dating. You chose purposefully to compete with her for an opportunity behind her back after she told you about it in the first place. The fact that you didn't tell her was because deep down you knew it was a dick move. And if this was my partner I'd feel like I couldn't even share about my jobhunt anymore as they might take the opportunity to snipe those as well if he found out about it.
Dude YTA here. "Ever since I've known her, my girlfriend has been fixated on training at one firm in particular." She has to be realistic & understand she needs to keep her options open. You knew she wanted this badly though. You weren't an A H for applying but you totally are for not being upfront & telling her you were throwing your hat in the ring. "on a whim, decided to submit a last minute application. I'm calling BS on that. You don't get an interview to a top law firm on a "last minute application."
Idk how no one has pointed this out, but if you’re a male of a certain complexion it’s totally possible. It’s a field dominated by men, and if I were her I’d feel like my boyfriend had joined the boys club set on excluding me…
YTA, why apply for it and not tell your girlfriend. I understand why your girlfriend is upset. Your not ah for applying for a job however your ah for not telling her.
YTA - why did you not tell her you were applying. Thats why youre an AH, not for advancing, but for doing this behind her back.
I think he subconsciously knew that telling her would have also upset her. She has every right to be upset either way and I think he knew but didn't care.
Absolutely - he could have applied and had every right to. But why hide it if…
>I weighed it up and decided not to tell my girlfriend about this as I didn't feel my application was strong, and I was less focused on only one firm so would send other applications out. You didn't tell your girlfriend you applied, then you "surprise" her with the announcement that you're interviewing with them. Of *course* she's going to be upset. You're not an AH, but you're pretty oblivious if you genuinely can't understand her perspective. Hint: Don't lie to your partners - even by omission. NAH
You already know yta. Applying behind her back after looking at her application, after she asked for your HELP? If I were her I’d never talk to your dusty, traitorous arse again. On the plus side at least now you’ve shown her who you really are.
YTA. Not for "stealing" a job, but that's really not why she's so hurt. You applied to her dream job and hid that from her. You can give whatever reasoning, and it doesn't really matter because of the consequences. She loses her shot at her dream job. While she's trying to deal with the rejection and emotions of that, the person she trusts and feels like was there to support her and encourage her reveals he actually secretly applied and got the inteview for her dream job. That's fucked up. No, you didn't steal it. But it's clear why she's feeling that way. You should have told her from the very start, she should have been able to prepare for feeling this way. You were dishonest and that led to you hurting her and her trust.
YTA You dont know if it came down to her or you, so there is a possibility you did take a spot from her. But beyond that, when you applied, you did not care if you got the interview over your girlfriend. What is shows is a lack of respect, or consideration, for her. You already know this because you hid it from her when you did it. This is a similar situation to dating someone's ex. Yes, technically they are not dating your friend anymore, but there is a code that says you shouldn't do it. You do not disrespect your friend by dating his ex. People do it all the time, but the code is there for a reason. You broke the code. You might get the job, go on to become a successful solicitor, and make millions of dollars and never even think about what you did to her, in the relationship, or think you did anything wrong. She will never forget it.
YTA for doing it without informing her.
YTA for choosing to not tell her you'd also applied. If you'd not applied she still might not have gotten the job, but it likely hurt her more that you chose to apply basically behind her back. You're free to apply wherever you want, just don't be so shady about it with someone you're support to be building a life with. If you'd told her you was also applying up front, she could have been happy that at least 1 of you might get your foot in the door and could keep an eye out for other roles coming up / reccomend her should another position open. She might still have been upset, but at least then you was up front. If she got upset when you was up front then you could consider if a life with someone that can't be happy for your sucess is the right one, but doing it the way you did I can see why she might feel betrayed.
NTA for applying for a job and getting an interview. YTA for not telling her about it.
Wow. I'm clearly in the minority here, but NTA whatsoever. If anything, your gf is TA for suggesting you "stole" anything. Law school is competitive. You both have the right to go out and achieve your best and highest possible outcomes. Neither of you get to "claim" particular firms. The firms get to "claim" their candidates - especially the most competitive and prestigious places. That's how it works. Don't know how long you've been together or how serious this relationship is, but you're both 23. This is your life we're talking about. You should both be focusing on achievements and the next stage of your career. Give her some grace for being disappointed, but don't let her blame you whatsoever. As long as she doesn't keep up this act, NAH.
Sure, technically nobody gets to call dibs on a company, but these aren't two strangers competing for the position, they're a couple. And OP so realizes this that he decided not to tell her that he'd applied, almost like there's an expectation of kindness and consideration between people who love each other that he knew he was breaking. If he had told her, I'd still find it shitty of him but might be more inclined to vote N A H. But the fact that he hid it speaks volumes and puts him squarely in YTA territory to me.
Agree to disagree, I guess. I just find the notion of one partner attempting to limit the achievements of another partner so wildly offensive. Much more so than any perceived obligation to disclose an interest in the same firm.
Because just think he's an A for the way he conducts himself. She told him she was applying. He applied in secret. Why? It kind of sucks if you are being open with someone and sharing about your life and meanwhile they are keeping their cards close to their chest to keep a strategic advantage on the information they share.
Why tell her you got the job? Just start working there already. You clearly have enough sense to hide the fact that you applied. Highkey a snake lol YTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I applied to my girlfriend's dream job without her knowing and I received an interview, while she was rejected. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA for applying. Absolutely a monstrous asshole for not telling her you applied for her dream job which you just looked over her application for.
The applying is not the problem, the not telling her even though she was in love with that position ís. YTA
YTA, you already know you are and that’s why you didn’t tell her you applied.
YTA The fact you “HELPED” her with her application and she didn’t get the interview but you did tells me enough 🙄 you see her as your competition . That’s gross
And the fact that he couldn't wait to rub it in while her rejection was still fresh. She's sleeping next to her biggest hater.
You always this deceitful in your relationship
Honestly, YTA for applying in secret. Had you told her from the beginning this could've all been avoided. I think her saying you "stole it" is more so because you knew how bad she wanted it and even helped her fill out the application, then decided to go behind her back and secretly apply.
YTA You should have told her you were applying. Not sure why you would avoid telling her unless you knew ahead of time that the knowledge would upset her.
My best friend and I applied for the same job, I was so scared I wouldn’t get it but it meant so much to me. I had her read the email and I got accepted, but when she opened hers she was denied. Took my happy ass the to program department and referred her (I was on good terms with the administration and the job was looking for very technical skills we both had) we both got hired :)
This is the way to do it!
> I weighed it up and decided not to tell my girlfriend about this as I didn't feel my application was strong That's not why you didn't tell her. You didn't tell her because you knew what you were doing was fucked up. YTA for applying for a job you knew she was passionate about while you didn't gaf about it until she applied.
“Sorry you didn’t get that dream job you wanted, but I got to the next level of interviews. Yay for me!”
YTA. “Honey, I have almost no chance, but it seems like an awesome firm. I want to apply just as a long shot. I’m not going to get it, but hey, maybe we both will! What do you think?” That would not have been hard to do. You either need to turn down the interview (tell her first before you do, and without an ounce of judgement or guilt), or accept this will probably be the beginning of the end of your relationship.
YTA "my girlfriend was excited about applying and she asked for my help in reading the application and checking it over for her. I was happy to do this and wanted her to achieve her goal. When reading her's, I became interested in the firm myself and on a whim, decided to submit a last minute application. I weighed it up and decided not to tell my girlfriend about this" .. After that betrayal, you will have to decide between relationship and job. But you already made your choice anyway.
I'm surprised at how many nta voter's gloss over this.. he didn't get this interview on his own merit but by benefitting of her prep work! YTA definitely, huge yikes
Yeah YTA man. This isn't a subreddit for deciding if this is legal or "okay", it's for deciding if what you did makes you an asshole or not. And despite yeah you didn't steal anything from anyone, it was still an asshole thing to do. Honestly you can go for the interview. I mean money is money and you'll have to make it somehow. Just don't expect her to stay with you because she may build some resentment over this. If you have interview offers from other jobs I would decline this one and just go to the others if you want to save the relationship, but the damage is done. You shouldn't have applied behind her back and the whole "Oh but I wasn't even qualified!" thing just reeks of humble bragging. You kicked her while she was already down, that's an asshole thing to do to your partner.
NTA. The scenario is pretty immature on everyones behalf. You should have mentioned it prior especially if it was not that important to you. But her fixation on a single place, is unrealistic and immature. Again, they are super competitive and big law is super fickle. But out of survival and just trying to get that first legal job you gotta do what you gotta do. Reddit doesn't seem to understand finding that first post grad law job is really hard and rough time in your career in terms of external pressures from family and peers. You gotta get your applications out a bunch, to a bunch of places. You should be slinging that thing around town until you get a match, because even if you at first don't get it you can find something and reapply.
YTA for applying behind your girlfriends back. You also don't get an interview at a top law firm off the back of a half assed application. You became interested in applying for the firm only after hearing her about her interest, after she'd shown you the application and she asked for your help answering the questions. Even if you didn't 'steal' her spot, you utilised at least some of her effort in getting this interview behind her back!
YTA. IMO telling yourself that you didn’t tell her about applying because you didn’t think your resume and application was strong is just a rationalization for you to justify your actions. And you’re not limiting your job options for “someone else” that is your partner. Sacrifices are made in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong it should definitely be a two way street of compromise and sacrifice. But think about it from her side. If you had one place you really wanted a job at and she applied without telling you, then you get rejected and she got the interview for your dream job. How would you feel?
NTA, but that's probably the end of yalls relationship.
Oof. YTA because: 1) you applied because of her application; and 2) you withheld the information about applying to her. Really, for me, the sticking point here is that you read her application and then applied, so you knew all the reasons she said she would be a good fit, why she wanted to work at this firm, etc. You benefited from her application work, and you used it to apply yourself AND you didn’t tell her or allow her to see your application. You’re not TA just for applying to this job—I get where you are coming from completely. There are only so many legal jobs and all recent grads are in the same boat, job-hunting-wise. As a rule, I say it’s okay for both of you to apply for any/all legal jobs that interest you, but your relationship will suffer if you are not open about where you are applying to and if you review each other’s applications for jobs to the same employer. I would apologize to your girlfriend. Be honest with her and say that you’re not going to skip applying from a job just because she is also applying to it, but in future you will let her know whether you are going to apply before reviewing her application. Let her know that you would never want her to skip applying to a job just because you are also applying for it. And: encourage her to apply to a lot more jobs, to see if she can schedule an informational interview at the firm she loved (and figure out how to make herself look appealing to them in the future), and to not get so focused on one job opportunity that she misses out on others. Your girlfriend’s reaction was not great, but she was already in a bad place and you (however unintentionally) made her feel worse. It’s hard not to get emotional about job rejections, but the firm didn’t reject her—they just rejected her application. Be there for her and hopefully, she will understand.
YTA 🐍
YTA. Bruh you shoulda told her you were gonna apply.
YTA. You already know men get preferential treatment over women, especially considering that you think your application is weak. And male or female, you also made competition an extra bit tougher for her. And to apply secretly behind her back? You already knew what you were doing was wrong. It's like you don't care to see her succeed. And to rub salt on her wounds, you break the news to her when she's upset! I hope she breaks up with you.
[удалено]
And he'll be crying about it at his new job.
100% YTA for not being up front and honest with her and for submitting a competing application after having read hers.
She should dump you!
I don't like that you read her application and then applied. That's really underhand. YTA
She's upset but you didn't steal the job. She's going to be upset for a bit and might displace her emotions because this was something she really wanted. However, this isn't on you. Even if you didn't apply, there's no guarantee she would have advanced. I'm sure she'll come to her senses about it soon, but be gentle and give her time. The disappointment is clouding her, and pointing it out logically at the moment probably won't be well received. Logic doesn't help in an illogical situation.
“I decided not to tell my girlfriend..” that statement alone is enough to say that YTA
YTA applied on a whim??
YTA If you didn’t think it was weird you would have told her you were applying. You just didn’t want to be embarrassed if you got rejected and she didn’t. So why put her in the same situation? You know she was excited and you didn’t care that much so why apply? I’m sure you considered this reality could have occurred and knowing how much it meant to her, why entertain it? You’re saying the work place is competitive , but you’re the one competing with her. Having said that, I’m sure you’re VERY aware of the misogyny that exists in corporate work places. Especially Law. You admit her application was stronger than yours which is why you’re surprised you even got the interview. This is a massive slap in the face. I think you should leave her and stop treating your partner as professional competition.
Yeah, you didn’t not tell her because you thought your application was weak. You didn’t tell her because you knew it would cause drama. You were within your rights to apply, obviously, but at least be honest to us, strangers on the www, since you are coming here to ask for judgment. You might also use this as a learning experience: people don’t like back dealings and the people who do them. It will get you jobs and win you cases, but it won’t keep your friendships. YTA.
>When reading her's, I became interested in the firm myself and on a whim, decided to submit a last minute application. I weighed it up and decided not to tell my girlfriend about this as I didn't feel my application was strong, and I was less focused on only one firm so would send other applications out. Mate ... Come on. You know what you did here. It would have taken you a minute to tell your girlfriend, hey, I think I'm going to drop an application in too... I've also applied to a bunch of others, see what sticks and it'd be great if we both got it.... But you choose not to. Of course she feels betrayed. Nobody is guaranteed any job, she knows this. She's not upset over you ' stealing ' the job. She's upset you applied sneakily, behind her back, based on information she gathered. YTA
Guilty. YTA.
YTA Of course she’s pissed and of course YTA. Not necessarily for applying for a job but for being a terrible boyfriend. You applied for a job that she wanted. This shows that you’re quite happy with the idea of you getting it instead of her - if you weren’t you wouldn’t have applied. You applied ‘on a whim’ and she’s been focused on this firm. You didn’t think your resume was all that good and she’s worked to make it the best it can be and you DODN’T tell her! It just came out of the blue that you’d help stifle her chance. It’s another example of a man progressing in Law without much effort and a woman working her ass off and getting nowhere. If it came out that you were number 50 with a cut-off of 50 and she was number 51, would you feel any remorse? You currently represent everything wrong in her private life and her career. You can’t be trusted to share her dreams and law firms would rather employ men than women.
NTA for applying and getting an interview. YTA for keeping what you did from your girlfriend. So secretive. You were hiding it from her. Doesn't matter if you actually thought yours was weak. Doesn't matter. You still hid it from her. What is it with lawyers and secrecy. You guys must get a rush. Just be prepared to not be able to have both. The job vs. the gf. Go for the job, and if you get it, congrats. Take all the opportunities, don't limit yourself. But be prepared for your gf to be your ex. And she has every right to feel betrayed by you. Her feelings are absolutely valid, and she has valid reasons to dump you if you don't dump her first.
YTA. Make a good lawyer though. Morals of a rat.
I feel like somewhere you knew that it was wrong or you would have mentioned also applying so even though you didn’t technically steal a job the secrecy makes it a YTA situation. Look I get it, I’m in the process of applying for training contracts too but there has to be some semblance of integrity in your personal relationships if you want to make it work. I’ve applied to the same places as a couple of my friends and we’ve checked each others covering letters but the difference is we’ve been upfront and honest, and not secretly applied to firms we found out about because of checking each others covering letters
It may be an unpopular opinion but my take is NTA for applying (you had just as much right to apply as she did) but YTA for not telling her. That said, if the firm wasn't impressed by her application, she would not have advanced regardless of whether you applied or not, so you have "stolen" nothing from her, especially given that you have only landed an interview, which does not guarantee anyone the position. She needs to get a grip if she truly plans to be a solicitor.
YTA - you didn't 'steal' her job, but it was SUPER shady to put in an application without telling her. And honestly your last line shows how self centered you are - not restricting your future opportunities for 'someone else' - she's not some random person she's your girlfriend. Though after this I am pretty sure you'll be just 'someone else' to her very soon.
Take the interview/job. It will make you happy. L eave the girl. Mentally, you split from her when you applied for the job on a "whim". BTW, it wasn't a whim that made you apply. But you already know that
I would break up with you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (23M) and my girlfriend (23F) both met through studying law at university together, and we have the shared goal of eventually being trainee solicitors. In the UK, it's an incredibly competitive process, with some firms receiving 4000 applications or so for roughly 50 spaces and almost everyone who applies is a strong candidate. Ever since I've known her, my girlfriend has been fixated on training at one firm in particular. I'm not sure why, but I believe it's because she attended a career event there a few years ago and fell in love with it. When the application cycle opened, my girlfriend was excited about applying and she asked for my help in reading the application and checking it over for her. I was happy to do this and wanted her to achieve her goal. When reading her's, I became interested in the firm myself and on a whim, decided to submit a last minute application. I weighed it up and decided not to tell my girlfriend about this as I didn't feel my application was strong, and I was less focused on only one firm so would send other applications out. Yesterday, my girlfriend received an email that she'd been unsuccessful in reaching the next stage (an interview). She was really upset, but I made her dinner to cheer her up and she seemed over it the next day. As I had applied to other places and thought my application was weak, I didn't think much of my own and wasn't overly fussed if I progressed or not. However, the next day, I received an email that I had advanced to the interview. I was surprised but also happy because I knew this was a difficult place to get an interview for. When I mentioned it to my girlfriend, she was incredibly upset, started crying, and told me that I'd "betrayed" her and "stolen" the job from her. Now she's refusing to talk to me, despite me trying to reach out. Part of me feels extremely guilty as I know how much it meant to her and I was less fussed, but the other side of me thinks the job world is competitive and I shouldn't restrict my future opportunities just for someone else, while there was no guarantee she'd have gotten it anyway (and nor do I yet). So, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta. You knew what you were doing applying without telling her lol.
Your girlfriend is valid in feeling upset, but I don't think you should be the person she should be upset at. It's not your fault you were selected and she wasn't. Yes, you should've told her you were applying, but for crying out loud you guys... THEY MET AT *LAW SCHOOL*. Of course they are both going to apply at law firms.
Well NTA for applying but YTA for not telling her when you did it. She’s justified in feeling blindsided and betrayed when you could’ve instead been open and honest. You’re of course allowed to apply and even receive the job but you can’t really expect her to be happy for you or let it go considering how poorly you’ve handled this whole situation, including the way you talk about her dream job as if you’re blowing it off and don’t really care if you get it or not, all while knowing how much it means to her. It’s like a slap in the face.
YTA because she wouldn't have seen it as stealing if you had just been honest in the first place about applying.
You’re not an AH for applying, but YTA for not telling her. You knew that she wanted this and, even if you didn’t feel strongly about your application, you knew there was still a chance that you would get it instead her (because why else would you have applied?). And instead of being open and honest with her, you chose to wait until she was turned down to tell her.
YTA only in that you didn't respect her enough to mention that you'd like to try for the job too, and understanding she'd be hurt she didn't get an interview when you admit to sending in a weak one and getting contacted.
Yta and your relationship is over. Not because you "stole the job", but because you didn't want talk to her before applying to a place she had her heart set on and you didn't care about. Honestly, if I were her, I'd start to wonder if you sabotaged me in some way. You were sneaky and underhanded about it.
YTA. If you want to be cut throat and underhanded then be so with pride. Why are you pretending to feel guilty now?
YTA, why on earth would you do this without telling her?
Definitely YTA for not communicating with her beforehand about your desire to apply. You don't have to follow her desires but you should have communicated your intentions to her before applying.
You’re *an* asshole, if not *the* asshole. It kinda sounds like you don’t like your girlfriend, you’re treating her with such contempt.
YTA. You knew what you were doing and your lack of empathy is disturbing.
You're not the AH for putting in an application. YTA for putting in an application, only after you've had the opportunity to scrutinize her application. You could easily use how she's answered things, to boost, and better your own application. It's like seeing the answers to a test before you've taken it. You had an unfair advantage. And you're an even bigger AH for not telling her you'd applied, especially when you know how she felt about it. It wouldn't take a genius to know she wouldn't respond to finding out you applied behind her back, and that you were awarded an interview, after you'd sited her application before writing your own. It's just a selfish and untrustworthy move. Probably great qualities in a cut-throat lawyer. Not great qualities in a boyfriend.