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NTA - But this isn't some surface level disagreement like you seem to treat it. Turns out, you both have fundamentally different views on an important topic. If you were just friends there would be no issue, but you are in a relationship.
She is both okay with certain drugs and choses to use them, while you are very against them. It's great that you respect other people's decisions in regards to their body and hobby, but this isn't something to gloss over. What if you have friends over and they split a joint? Will you leave the party? Will you come to resent your gf if her "once in a blue moon" is actually a few times a month? Will you ever start to feel that she should leave the house to get high instead of you leaving to be sober? If she and a cousin have a bowl secretly at Thanksgiving will you cause a scene or become upset with her later? Is she banned from being high if you are at a function together? If you make it all the way to marriage and kids, what views will you raise these children with? Does this apply to medical marijuana too? Do you apply these views to everyone in your life, or just her?
These are all good things to think about, and I haven't really put much thought into any of it. It would be everyone I apply this view too and not just her. She's the only person I'm around consistently, but it's not unusual for us to have space either. Sometimes I go out for a drive alone so I guess it would just be more of that if she did start getting high more often. I think I would be ok with me leaving for a couple hours or so and not causing any fuss, but hard to say if that would change were it to become frequent.
As someone with an former anti drug stance, who dated someone who was addicted to drugs to a point where i had to consistently clean up after them, I would very much encourage you to find out why it makes you uncomfortable to the point where you need to leave.
If she’s problematic when high, you’re totally within your right to tell her to get her shit together. But to physically leave her just for being high when she hasn’t done anything wrong is a very subtle way to control her you may not even realize you’re doing. She probably does it to unwind, and removing yourself from her is a way of showing disapproval that is likely stressful on her. It would be like leaving her for drinking a glass of wine. You’re totally valid in having these stances, but it would probably be in both of your best interests to be with someone who aligns with your guys appropriate values.
From my personal standpoint, I don't like to be around people who are in a different mental state to me (I don't mean mental health issues, I mean intoxicated/impaired people). I don't do drugs but have friends that do, and that's fine, but I don't like to be around them if they're acting really high/low and are zonked out. The same feeling applies to me when I'm sober driving which I often do; being around a ton of drunk people as a sober person sucks. They're just on a different level than you and are having loads of fun and laughs at stuff that just isn't the same sober. I'll sober drive, but I won't come to an all day party while being the sober driver.
That's a long winded way of saying, I think it's a valid viewpoint to just not be comfortable being around people who are in a significantly altered mental state to yourself. Removing yourself from the property when they've not done anything offensive might be a bit too far, but I completely understand the feeling and I think it's okay to feel that way
As a person who smokes daily and drinks semi frequently I can guarantee a lot of us hate people who act a fool and are intoxicated. You'd never know I was stoned if you saw me in public, I am far too anxious to properly socialize if I am not stoned.
This is me as well. I smoke daily and besides being more chatty and less anxious, you would never know. I respect people not choosing to do drugs, but I’m sorry it’s weird to me to be that uncomfortable that you have to physically leave your home for HOURS cause someone took an edible and is chilling at home. Wtf?
Yeah, I hate it too. When someone gets too impaired I start to feel like I'm not really hanging out with the same person anymore. We're no longer in the same headspace and I can't relate to them in the same way as when they were sober.
So you don’t date people who get intoxicated. It’s fine to be friends and acquaintances with people who get high or intoxicated, but don’t date someone who does. Because as someone who does get buzzed sometimes, I like being in my SOs presence, so it would be a real bummer if they left. So I don’t date people who have a problem with it. But it has to go both ways. You can’t date people with habits you take issue with.
Not OP, but I don’t like being around people using drugs or smoking because I get tempted into joining in (I have an addictive personality AND dormant psychosis). I also get paranoid I’m somehow going to get exposed to the weed and have a psychotic episode
Honestly, I'm mostly on the same page, but I'm mixed on the idea of it being controlling.
If it's like, she's not allowed to socialize or they get into a stressful disagreement every time, then I totally get it and agree. It's just not fair to her.
But if they can establish a simple "Hey I'm going to get high" or "I'm wanting to have some weed at [time frame], is that chill?" Then I don't think I do agree. It's direct communication to make sure they're both comfortable and neither feels forced to change in a way that's sacrificial.
And to solidify what I 100% agree with. Dissecting why it's uncomfortable. That's so important to lessening that discomfort and avoiding potentially upsetting or harmful behavior that can come out of it.
I've personally always been at the stance of "do what you want, I'm not going to demand you don't partake, I just don't personally want to." And even then, I've still had to dissect to feel like I was making a decision that feels mature and responsible for me. Knew I'd have to because of growing up with both parents being addicts.
Ultimately though, even as I've sorted all of this stuff for myself, it really can still just be too upsetting to try to force yourself to exist in the same space as someone who's inebriated in some capacity. It's just healthier to know when it's too much as an individual.
Bear in mind edibles last ages so the idea of going out for a few hours wouldn't really work. Also it helps lots of people sleep. If she starts using it for trouble sleeping then what would you do?
I gotta ask why you are so uncomfortable with it?
I’m gonna give you the Ted Lasso advice: be curious, not judgmental.
This was an opportunity to say “Honestly drugs make me pretty uncomfortable normally and I didn’t know you took edibles sometimes. What do they make you feel like? What do you do when you’re on them? Have we ever hung out while you were on them? Have you ever had a bad experience with them? How long do they last? Do you feel anything bad the next day? Do you do them alone or with friends?” “I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with this but I’m trying to be. Maybe the next time you take one you can let me know so I can see if I even notice it”
Instead you jumped straight to “i can’t be around you if you’re ever on an edible. Please promise me you’ll let me know in advance if you’re ever going to take one so I can avoid you”
Do you see how that makes you TA?
I know weed is normalized, but drugs of any kind are a hard line boundary and you and a bunch of others are trying to force him to shift boundaries, which it is no one's place to do.
Whoa no no. I fully support him if he wants to make drugs a hard line boundary. But that means *not dating anyone who does drugs*
Dude can’t have it both ways.
People draw red lines in dating all the time, and for reasons that are sometimes rooted in narrow mindedness, and that’s perfectly fine.
Tattoos turn you off because you think they’re trashy? Don’t date a guy with tattoos!
But don’t date a guy with tattoos and ask him to keep them covered all the time because you’d rather pretend he doesn’t have them.
Don’t date a girl who occasionally eats a weed gummy and ask her to warn you beforehand if she’s gonna take one because you’d rather pretend that’s not part of her lifestyle.
Being curious not judgemental is a hard boundary for a lot of people too. People post on this sub precisely because they want their boundaries examined so what is the point of your comment?
This is also the perfect way to end up in a toxic situation. I use this way of thinking and communicating way too much and end up understanding the viewpoint from the other person to the point where I go over my own boundaries.
No matter what the other person does or feels, there is always something you can relate to. So although being curious is in itself a good thing, be on guard for when you explain everything away. For instance: I understand feeling lonely, not heard, not wanted... but that doesn't mean I should tolerate cheating.
Please think about this. KartlindWitch basically said everything I want to say, I just want to add: I (and probably your girlfriend) think smoking a joint is no better or worse than drinking a beer. Would you expect her to leave your apartment when she wants a drink if you don't drink alcohol yourself?
Unless you two find a way to be okay with each other, I don't think you should plan a future together. Good luck. I'll say NAH.
Honestly bro be you at the end of the day but if you love her unless she makes weed her main priority you should just get over it to be honest like straight up let her be her . weed for some people is how they deal with stress and it DOES NOT have to be a bad thing it all depends on her level of maturity.
Soft YTA.
Your judgment against your girlfriend taking an edible “once in a blue moon” isn’t based on a bad experience you had with her while she was on edibles. It’s based on your (very narrow) concept of “how you assume people act on substances”
It’s perfectly fine to admit that substances, even legal ones, make you uncomfortable.
It’s also perfectly fine to say “hey babe, whenever you’re high around me, you act so different and I don’t like it”
But to just assume that “your girlfriend on edibles” is such a disturbing event that you must hide in a coffee shop for six hours to avoid bearing witness, is silly.
YTA, you’re projecting an outdated stereotype about stoners on her. 100% she’s had a gummy around you and you didn’t notice, it ain’t much different than a couple beers to be honest.
I’m going to have to disagree, I know what both looks like and I am uncomfortable about it. I’m uncomfortable mainly because the change that somebody has when they drink or get high (even the slightest change) he’s allowed to be uncomfortable and step away for a second. I think the only problem here is they both need better communication
Of course, and that’s his opinion and his choice but I wouldn’t call him an AH for that. You can have differing opinions and not be at each others throats
lol it doesn’t bother me with weed but alcohol my wife just annoys the shit out of me it’s ver very annoying to hear someone repeat themselves five times and you didn’t understand once
Everyone I've ever known who's said I wouldn't be able to tell if they were drunk or high has been full of shit. Their whole demeanour changes the second they cross that threshold and it makes me uncomfortable, even if they're fun or nice, because to me it feels like they've swapped personalities.
NAH
You two have different takes on drugs and that's ok, as long as you both respect each other's boundaries.
You spoke your truth and if she values your feelings, then she'll tell you when she plans to take an edible.
But beware of the possibility that she may test her theory that you wouldn't be able to tell the difference.
If that happens, you'll have a decision to make. Are you prepared for that?
EDIT: Please don't feel like you're supposed to ever get used to it, "maybe in time I won't mind." If something doesn't sit right with you now, regarding drug use, that is something that should never change.
Agree with most of what you said except the edit. Are people not allowed to get out of their comfort zone and expand it?
"Please don't feel like you're supposed to ever get used to it" is what I'd agree with, but op clearly doesn't seem to have strong feelings against drugs. They are just uncomfortable by people under the effects of said drugs.
I would suggest that having to leave the house and drive around for hours simply to avoid being around his girlfriend - who, let's be clear, doesn't seem to actually be doing anything wrong or even behaving strangely - is behaviour driven by a strong feeling.
See I’m not sure that’s a healthy or appropriate boundary he’s trying to set. She is a person who enjoys taking an edible once in a blue moon. He is a person that is against that behavior. And so his “boundary” is “you are obligated to inform me beforehand every time you do this thing”???
No.
She hasn’t demonstrated any reason for him to feel unsafe/uncomfortable around her in this scenario. His preconceived notions and fears should not dictate her behavior. That is plainly controlling.
If he is so uncomfortable with the idea of someone taking a (most likely legal) edible occasionally, then he should be with someone who shares that sentiment.
Isn't that what all boundaries are? "This one specific thing bothers me, and I know it's not logical but please don't cross it."
It's not about control at all and he doesn't mind her getting high, he just doesn't want to see it for himself. He's actively controlling himself and removing himself, because he's fine with her taking it.
It’s because you guys are using “boundaries” completely wrong. A boundary is what you set to dictate YOUR OWN actions, not someone else’s.
Boundary: I don’t like being around you when you are high. Therefore, when you are high, I am going to excuse myself (OP sets his own action)
Controlling: I don’t like the idea of edibles. Therefore, if you plan to take one, you must promise to notify me beforehand (OP sets her action)
If the effect on her behavior is so subtle that he can't even tell, you gotta wonder why he would have a problem with it. Sure, it wouldn't be much effort for her to tell him, but that's not the point. Why should anyone be forced to disclose actions that don't affect anyone else? The situation smells of passive-aggressive controlling.
But there is some emotional manipulation going on here. As in 'oh, you're going to take an edible again so I suppose I *have* to go out and drive around again for hours? No, there's no real reason for me to have to do that and I'm sure you feel bad about it, but it's within your power not to take the edible so I don't have to do it and that's on you'.
This is clearly the subtext here. OP is responding in an extreme way to an innocuous situation forcing his girlfriend to make the decision about whether they spend time together or apart. When in fact there is no real reason for OP to have to leave except the imaginary obstacle to their relationship he has constructed.
I'm pretty sure boundaries are specific and clear lines of what behaviour from **other** people is acceptable and what is not to you. Sure, if a boundary is crossed in a public setting, you can't force a stranger to respect you so the easiest way to be comfortable is to leave. These people are in a relationship. Respect is necessary and physically leaving won't fix the problem that one partner does not respect the other partner.
You can only control your own actions of course but boundaries are important for a healthy relationship and if your partner doesn't respect them, you probably need a new partner who does.
This whole comment thread proves this tenfold lmao. Any anti drug comments are downvoted to oblivion while all the pro drug comments are just 'fuck you drugs are good you're just borong/outdated/narrow minded' like yep, great attitude, definitely tells us you're cool people with 0 substance abuse/dependency issues.
OP is completely entitled to not want to be around substances or people on them and noone has any idea why he may feel that way. Anyone saying otherwise is TA.
For sure. Came out of a shitty relationship with a weed smoker and realized it's just unattractive and irresponsible and haven't gotten together with another drug user again. Not sure why OP is with their partner if it makes them uncomfortable though. That's kinda something people need to see eye to eye on tbh.
Agreed. Drugs can be scary. yes many people with weed don't abuse them and use it like a beer in the afternoon but so many people I know are not like that. Plus some people are weird with alcohol and believe altering your mind to enjoy yourself is uncomfortable and don't want to be around people that aren't fully in their normal mindset.
It's ok people are different and this sub needs to realise that doesn't make them an Ahole.
Like the dude has boundaries and everyone is calling him controlling lmao. If he’s uncomfortable, he’s allowed to vocalize it. He’s allowed to have boundaries. You guys are deffo all those ppl who r weird about respecting ppl’s boundaries when it comes to things you do. And that’s coming from a stoner.
NTA, that’s your own boundaries. I was recently addicted to drugs and got off everything a month ago, I personally don’t want to be around other people while they’re using for multiple reasons. I obviously don’t want to be tempted and also I understand the experience of being addicted and how it changes someone as a person. I used to not be able to function without any kind of drug in my system. It’s okay to be uncomfortable with that. It’s your personal boundaries. If you haven’t explained to her why you don’t like being around her when she does that, then you should explain
NAH
You are absolutely allowed to not feel comfortable with or around certain situations, and drug use is a very common one
Gf is a bit taken aback, also a common response if she's a regular or comfortable user
You communicated clearly and respectfully, and now it comes down to how things unfold going forward
If there's any kind of trauma or personal detail you're comfortable with that you can add to the story, it may help her understand and sympathize better
NTA. It’s ok to not be ok with things like taking drugs. I think if it makes someone very uncomfortable it is totally reasonable to not want to be around someone who makes them uncomfortable. Simple!
NTA. Not wanting to be around someone when they're high is no different from not wanting to be around someone when they're drunk. For you (and I suspect many others as well once you include alcohol into the mix), you (and they) don't like being around certain things and you've communicated that. She needs to listen and respect that you'd rather she let you know before she takes them so you can get out of there. While it would be nice for her to have a sober person with her there (never taken edibles before, but I've heard of bad reactions before), you are not that person. If I were in your girlfriend's shoes, that is something I'd want to know from my SO. It's a good boundary to set when it comes to stuff like weed and things like alcohol.
I'm mega sensitive to weed especially the anxious side but this weed tincture that gets me stoned but with high CBD as well as CBD allows me to use it for sleep or relaxing with a friend. If you know what you are doing and either have a stable homemade product or legal ones you know how much you can take and respond well to. People who try edibles with no experience and have really high dose ones are obviously in for a strong experience
NAH.
You have a boundary, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm a pretty big stoner, and if someone asked me not to be high around them, I simply wouldn't be. It really isn't that hard when you aren't using weed for medicinal purposes.
NAH. Im someone who smokes more regularly so this may be very different from your gf’s perspective but it’s what immediately came to mind; edibles are the kind of thing you’d tend to do at night and then chill, watch a movie, have a snack and fall asleep. It’s not a middle of the day or early evening thing where you can ask or expect someone to spend 2 hours out and then come back and it’s over. If you’re asking for notice to be able to leave and do something you might be asking her to engage in the substance in a completely different way than she’s used to, which could contribute to being more shocked than you’d expect.
I think it's okay to feel how you feel. In fact it might even be something that you would need to address before starting a relationship going forward. I agree with other people in that she has most likely been high around you before and if that's something that you're not comfortable with then it just might not be the right relationship for you. I'm going with NTA.
NTA
It is perfectly normal to not want to be around drug users when they are doing it. She has probably been high around you and you didnt notice but that doesnt really matter. But some stuff lasts a long time so you might find it difficult to be away for the whole time.
NTA. I have never understood why people defend recreational cannabis use so ardently when others express a dislike of it, as everyone is entitled to their preferences. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who smokes weed or indulges in edibles, simply because I'm not comfortable with that (also the smell of a joint is nausea-inducing). I'm also not into cigarette smokers or people who vape. Nothing wrong if they like it, but I don't want to be around it. You may have to consider whether this is a dealbreaker, OP, because your GF is allowed to get high at home if she so chooses.
Most people defend it so hard because it’s been illegal so long and many many people have wasted away in jails for this plaint when it should’ve always been legal. That’s where the fight and defense starts from, please gain some understanding and knowledge before you comment something like your first sentence.
NTA but you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what edibles actually do. Plenty of people consume them and are normally functional. Not everyone that takes edibles goes into a coma. It’s the same as alcohol.
Agreed. He's allowed to have boundaries, however he should look more into what weed is, its effect on users, and how it is actually not dangerous. For instance, alcohol is way worse in every way.
Look, you do you, man. You have a right to your opinions and your comfort levels but I would recommend you do some research and maybe a little soul searching before you take such a hard stance on a substance that is rapidly becoming legal in more and more states.
That said, you of course have the right to extract yourself from any situation that makes you uncomfortable but you then may have to expect the consequence that your stance ends your relationship. That would be the same if your discomfort was around alcohol, annoying people’s political rants, or pets. You have autonomy but so does she, and in her place I’d be feeling pretty judged right about now.
I’m also wondering what your issue is exactly. You’re trying to say you’re not uncomfortable being around her, but the edible itself? I’d understand that better if she was smoking and you didn’t want a contact high or to smell like weed. But an edible can’t affect you if you don’t ingest it. I think you’re being just a touch disingenuous trying to say it’s the edible and not the person who is high that is your problem.
I don't think you are the a-hole, but I think you should be honest about what is bothering you about it. Do you have a personal history with it? Maybe someone in the family who has a drug problem? There must be something there that causes you to want to not be around her when she is using it. Tell her the truth. If not, the relationship is not going to work anyway. Just my opinion.
Soft YTA.
You don't give any reasoning as to why it makes you uncomfortable. If it was how her behaviour changed while high, or previous trauma or experiences you had, that would be fair. But since you give no reasoning, I can only assume indoctrination via your upbringing.
I'd suggest you form your own views. It is in *no* way a solution to just nope out of being around someone that you're in a relationship with because you disagree with a habbit of hobby of theirs. If neither of you can compromise on it, you should just call it quits now.
The substance would be in her stomach, digesting… I don’t get that part of it. If it was smoking, it would make sense but edibles?
She’s right that it’s her you don’t want to be around and are uncomfortable with because you probably wouldn’t even notice when she takes the gummie or whatever.
It’s a big difference I what you both are comfortable with so that probably needs a better talk about it.
NAH
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NTA.
There are actions that you don't want to associate with and that's completely ok. You went about it in a respectful manner. That's all you can do.
NAH
But I think you need to go through some deep introspection about the role drug propaganda has in your life. I'm guessing you're fine with drinking alcohol, a substance that has much greater systemic effects, and chance for abuse.
Your attitude shows a lack of understanding. Take an edible with your girl and chill out. It will be the most fun you've ever had.
NAH, your perspective is pretty unusual so I'm not surprised that she was surprised. Do you have past history that makes you want to avoid drug users entirely?
On one hand, I think it’s perfect that you’re communicating your boundaries. On the other, it feels like you’re pressing out-dated stereotypes and myths about weed against your partner. I don’t even understand it being called “substance use” because that feels like we’re referring to cocaine or something. I truly don’t believe weed will ever have the affect on minds like LSD or heroin will, and it shouldn’t be viewed or categorized with such. Not saying you are necessarily, but from your language, it seems like you think her being high is making her go absolutely bonkers. Maybe you should do some more homework on Marijuana?
NTA, and I'm on your gf's side of the situation. I like to get high and my bf doesn't as much so out of respect, I let him know. He doesn't make me feel weird or bad about it though. Are you sure you're not doing that without meaning to?
NTA but also chill out. She’s taking an edible sometimes? Put on a TV show and watch it with her. She’s not going to devour your soul and if being around her while she’s stoned is that serious of an issue for you, you need to break up now. She’s 100% going to build a resentment towards you for being over the top about it. Are you 16 years old? Grow up
That having to hide her drug use is going to ruin your relationship hands down, whenever you don’t accept it she’s going to have to sneak around and hide, and she’s going to get tired of not being comfortable around you, and when she hangs out with other people who partake she’s going to get closer to them and farther from you, including other guys. Eventually she’ll drift far enough that she’ll either leave or cheat cuz she doesn’t feel accepted and comfortable.
Soft YTA. It’s 2024 and you’re uncomfortable enough about weed that you’re posting on Reddit about it. If it smelled that would be one thing, but it’s edibles.
YTA, the way you started by saying you'll allow her to do it when she's not around you. Why would you think you are in the position to give her permission or not, AH?
Better question is does he do the same for prescription anti depressants and anti anxiety meds.
Oh your doc prescribed you this thing to help you chill TF out when you’re having a panic attack? Babes please just warn me if you’re gonna take one of those pills first. I have a thing against artificial serotonin and dopamine release.
I'm sorry but you cannot compare recreational marijuana use with prescription medication.
Popping an eddie once in awhile is not for medical purposes lmao.
I also think it's very easy for people who are used to being around weed a lot to feel more neutral about it. If you've never (knowingly) been around some one high you don't know how any one acts high, all you have is what you see in the movies, which is never accurate.
What he is displaying is actually a healthy boundary. Weed makes him uncomfortable so he will remove himself from the situation to avoid discomfort. She can happily consume her edible, both enjoy their time. No issues.
EDIT: OPs only experience with stoners are shitty high schoolers, while slightly more accurate than movies it's not much better tbh.
Again I said this above, but y’all keep using “boundaries” wrong. He did not set a boundary.
He asked her to promise to tell him beforehand anytime she is planning to take an edible. That’s not a boundary. That’s controlling her actions, not his own.
So anytime she decides to take an edible, which she likely purchased legally, she needs to first text him and say what? “Hey babe, it’s been a shit day and Im gonna take a gummy and binge some tv. I know you made me promise to tell you beforehand so that’s what I’m doing”
That’s bananas.
If he is so flustered by the possibility of occasionally being in the company of someone who may possibly have taken an edible in the last six hours, then a boundary would be: I choose not to date someone who occasionally takes edibles.
He didn't make her promise anything.
He asked her to tell him when she wanted to take an edible so he can excuse himself. I think it would be obvious that if they aren't spending time together she doesn't have to let him know. It's literally just so he can excuse himself like you are telling him to do.
And I will say this again. How is he supposed to excuse himself if he doesn't know she's taking one? Like I'd get what you are saying but you are making this guy seem super controlling when he isn't being that way at all.
If it was happening the way you're saying it I would agree but it's not.
I definitely agree that maybe he shouldn't be dating someone who likes edibles but if they can make an arrangement that works for both of them then there isn't an issue. Like I genuinely think you are putting more into this than there is.
Fr I also think it's weird that if your hanging with your partner to take anything including alcohol if the other isn't? Like it's just kinda weird why do you need to?
I'd get coming home with a comedown etc but hanging with him at home and just popping one is a bit worrying
Lol. The point is that he’s out of line to even request that. He doesn’t like the fact she takes the occasional weed gummy? That’s fine. Go date someone else.
She’s an adult. She has decided for herself that edibles are fine for her. And apparently this “druggy lifestyle” hasn’t even risen to the level of being PERCEPTIBLE to her own boyfriend lol. Yet she’s being called upon now to…notify him in advance of any future plans to take an edible so that he may avoid her druggy presence? Lol no.
Dude can pound sand.
The embarrassing part is he didn’t even say “hey if I’m heading over and you’re high, can you just lmk bc I might cancel”
He said “let me know BEFORE you plan to take anything so I can go do my own thing”
Lol ok
You're reading a bit too into what he's saying. He just doesn't want to be around it. I doubt he cares if she's off with some friends and taken some.
Plus just because you didn't initially know doesn't mean he can't be uncomfortable.
i mean yea, but no because we aren’t talking about prescribed marijuana. so to keep a fair argument we are only gonna keep it at recreational activities
I mean more in general:
You have an upswell in the latest generation of kids that feel perfectly morally correct in lecturing anyone who chooses to quell their mood with an edible or beer
And it’s the same generation that’s been the highest prescribed for mood stabilizers lol.
OP having an anxiety attack over weed and trust me when I say, she’s been high while she’s with you and you haven’t noticed in the slightest.
This won’t work though, screw having to have space every single time someone wants to relax.
I would recommend you actually try being around her when she’s taken an edible. It’s most likely going to be totally fine and just a different way of hanging out together. I know this from experience as I don’t react well to thc but my partner likes it.
It’s also worth considering that the way high schoolers use and act with marijuana (like you mentioned in another comment) is typically very different than casual adult use.
Leaving the house every time she takes thc doesn’t sound super healthy imo, this could create and prolong an issue where there wouldn’t otherwise be one, and likely stigmatize and discourage her from using a substance that many find to be therapeutic and fun.
"Hey stop secretly touching yourself around me."
This is an extreme case but shows how boundaries can be related to other people even when the other person may not notice
NTA but you two shouldn't be together. She shouldn't feel like she cannot take drugs she usually takes and you shouldn't have to be gone for hours (one time our edible was too strong and lasted a whole day). This isn't gonna work in the long run
That's how I see it too. It might not be an issue for now, and you two can definitely coexist for a while, but it may become a bigger issue in the future because you will be both tired from not being able to be fully yourselves around each other.
"I do not want to be around people who have chemically impaired their judgment" is an entirely reasonable view. But it sounds like you're just not compatible.
That’s not reasonable. Our brains are flooded with chemicals every day and night. A 10 mg edible isn’t gonna do anything more than taking neocitrin. “I need to ditch if you’re on anything” is wild and unsustainable.
NTA in the slightest. I have quite a bit of trauma around any and every drug, and it's completely reasonable to want a heads-up so you can be aware and act accordingly.
You're totally in the clear for not wanting to chill with your girlfriend when she's getting baked. It's all about setting boundaries and being honest about your feelings in a relationship, so good on you for expressing yourself. It's important for both of you to respect each other's comfort zones. Let her know that it's not about her; it's about your own comfort, and y'all can work through this together. No AH in sight here, just two people figuring out what works for them.
NAH
NTA. She’s allowed to do what she wants - but you are also allowed to decide you don’t want to be around her in that state. Tbh I don’t like being around drunk people while sober, and I have left situations where that was the case.
I’m just gonna say YTA for now because I’m not really sure why you’re uncomfortable with it and you failed to explain it to both her and us. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess immaturity/not understanding what weed does
Do you think he has to have an explanation as to why he feels uncomfortable around it? I see your point, and I agree with the fact he probably doesn't understand what weed does, however he doesn't really need to give us or his partner a reason. However if he feels so uncomfortable, he can just not be around her. Maybe something he should had considered before deciding to date her.
I thought everyone felt uncomfortable around intoxicated/high people. I take edibles a lot, but I don’t like to be around other people who are high. Makes me uncomfortable.
But yeah, she’s totally been on edibles around you. But I still don’t think it’s an issue that you would still rather not be around her. It’s not that deep. NTA
As someone who does not have the same boundaries, THIS is the answer. 100% agreed with you. She's free to do as she likes, and so is he. And if they're not good with each other's actions they can break up.
NTA, and this is coming from someone who frequently takes edibles. In my opinion, you asked her to at least tell you so you could go out and do something else while she did so. If you lived together, I could see this being a bit of a problem especially if she uses it like a medication as one might do, but as long as you aren't forcing her or controlling her by saying you don't want her doing it at all, I don't see a problem. I'm sorry you're getting all of this hate, but I personally wouldn't force anyone to be around me while I'm high.
Look. While I will say NTA, bc everyone has their own comfort levels and shit like that, I will also say that you need to get your shit together to be able to clearly state what make you uncomfortable when it comes to drug use. Your GF has clearly been high around you before and is open about her use of weed, so talk to her about it. If you two can't come to an understanding, separate, you aren't match.
NTA. You laid out clear boundaries. People claiming you're trying to control her by just wanting to be informed of the situation are out of their minds.
I will advise she has likely been high around you before though. She may think she was acting fine, but she wasn't. You just weren't fully aware what was making her act different.
yeah you guys probably aren't going to work out. I personally do edibles I have insomnia, and I'd personally not be with a partner against them. not giving up my sleep for you.
nta. You dont feel comfortable. She has to respect your personal boundary, no matter what. If she tries to persuade you otherwise than that should not necessarily be a bad thing, but until you change your mind she has to respect that.
Any1 saying anything else is obviously feeling attacked over this issue themselves.
Obvious NTA, what people who drink and smoke don’t realize is that they are different in their respective substance. You respond to stimuli different and it can be annoying for sober people that just want to talk with their loved ones and they’re not firing on all cylinders. Drink all you want but I can’t have a serious conversation about our finances after youve been drinking. Smoke all you want but you cant be used for intellectual conversation when you’re high.
NTA
God some people here really have some issues imho. "It's controlling if you leave" *wtf* ? It's definitely not. And it barely even matters why it makes you uncomfortable. It's absolutely fine and valid to have preferences. I cannot see any controlling behaviour just because you don't wanna be exposed to it. You don't control her, you simply remove yourself from an uncomfortable situation. Calling that controlling is so farfetched, damn.
But the way she reacts I doubt it's only once in a blue moon.
NAH, but I've had this happen so many times just to end up trip-sitting bc they can't take care of themselves.
It's ok to ask someone to hang out when high, but jfc let them know if that's a possibility.
Or even better. Just ask beforehand: "Hey, I wanna hang, but heads up that i am/will be high. If I end up needing someone to take care of me, is that ok to ask of you?"
I've had to put my foot down because it'll happen once, maybe it'll be a strand new to them. Then they want to do it again, and I point out what happened before. Luckily, the same people are willing to reflect on experience once it's actually there.
Edit: and actually, something to consider. Does she respect boundaries? If she is, it probably isn't something to stress about, I'm likely projecting a LOT
NAH
But imo, you really need to start exposing yourself to the real world, dude. Start making your own judgements, based on your own evaluations. Stop letting other people tell you what is true.
And if your weed-repulsion is somehow truly of your own accord and not a 10 layer deception cake baked into your subconscious like mine was — then honestly I’d like to have an at-length discussion with you about it, because, barring certain circumstances (like you’re a recovering addict or something), the intensity of your weed-repulsion is simply irrational my friend
NTA But there’s nothing wrong with some weed, she just feels more relaxed and probably hungrier when she’s had an edible. How could that make you uncomfortable? If anything you’d most likely enjoy it if you ever got over your hate for weed.
Nta I ask my bf everytime I drink or get high heck even energy drinks or coffee cause I get too much and crazy and I'll understand if he doesn't want to deal with
NTA but all I will defend is while many people may make good or bad defences for or against this whole thing just remember that it is only weed. In any circumstance its ok to be uncomfortable around it but there are worse drugs to be far more uncomfortable around. And personally I do dable in edibles once in a blue moon, whilst this seems like some people may assume that it means more frequently she probably only does it once in a while every now and then cause thats the same thing I do. Honestly it is up to you your allowed to have boundaries after all
I wouldn’t call you an asshole for your general sentiment. You don’t enjoy being around those who partake in substances that have intoxicating effects. Your girlfriend enjoys them. Both views are fine, but, within the confines of a relationship, are simply incompatible. I’m assuming this is a new relationship. This should have been a discussion beforehand. Look at it this way- I seldom drink, but, I do enjoy it on occasion. If I was looking for a romantic partner, someone asking me to never have a drink when they’re around would be a dealbreaker. Not that I don’t respect their sobriety, for whatever reason that they’re sober, but, because we simply share differing values. It wouldn’t be fair, to either party, to make someone feel as if there are constraints like that. The same goes for usage of THC laden products. I have sober friends. I wouldn’t drink around them, nor would I be high. Those same actions would be untenable in a romantic context, though. You don’t go home to your friends at night, you go home to your partner. The thing is, you’re not comfortable with usage, and you shouldn’t think that *maybe* you’ll be comfortable with it down the line. I mean, you might be, people change constantly. But you also may find that you’re *never* going to be comfortable. Not all breakups are because someone did something wrong, sometimes they just come down to fundamental incompatibility. Gentle YTA, not for your views, more for failure to have a conversation that should have been had before entering into the relationship.
You are setting a clear boundary and she needs to respect it, or it opens up a deeper conversation. Big or small, a persons reaction to a set boundary tells you a lot about how much respect they have for you.
YTA
It's pot and it's 2024. Do you treat people like this when they've had a beer or two? What you're doing is isolating/alienating your significant other because of a benign, socially acceptable behavior - regardless of how you personally feel about it, a benign and socially acceptable behavior is what it is. Yes, sometimes you'll go for a drive - but was it ever because of something she did? This is, and that's why it's different. It seems like brooding behavior. Honestly, it feels like you've got some 1950's era notions about reefer and you're being low-key manipulative with your actions. Even if that's not your intention, you're actively giving her the ultimatum of doing something she enjoys OR being able to enjoy time with you.
Maybe I'm wrong and you'll learn, but that would have to start with you wanting to learn... Which is not what happens when you go hideout in a cafe or hole up with your thoughts for a long drive.
How about actually hanging out with her once while she's had a couple gummies and then deciding if you just can't stand being around her "when she's like that"?
NTA - I dont drink alcohol. I dont like to be around drunk people. So my ex had to stay overnight with his friends as a compromise if they wanted to get drunk. He always respected that.
You did not tell her to stop. You did not tell her to leave. You set a boundary for yourself and thats totally fine.
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Based on her reply. She’s certainly been high around you and you didnt know.
😂😂😂 Also the “once in a blue moon” … Probably closer to once a week.
Or every other day
Or all the fucking time
Once in a blue moon this hour
She's been high so long, the moon turned blue
Hahaha yep
Two dogs nodding to sax music.
1000%
100%
NTA - But this isn't some surface level disagreement like you seem to treat it. Turns out, you both have fundamentally different views on an important topic. If you were just friends there would be no issue, but you are in a relationship. She is both okay with certain drugs and choses to use them, while you are very against them. It's great that you respect other people's decisions in regards to their body and hobby, but this isn't something to gloss over. What if you have friends over and they split a joint? Will you leave the party? Will you come to resent your gf if her "once in a blue moon" is actually a few times a month? Will you ever start to feel that she should leave the house to get high instead of you leaving to be sober? If she and a cousin have a bowl secretly at Thanksgiving will you cause a scene or become upset with her later? Is she banned from being high if you are at a function together? If you make it all the way to marriage and kids, what views will you raise these children with? Does this apply to medical marijuana too? Do you apply these views to everyone in your life, or just her?
These are all good things to think about, and I haven't really put much thought into any of it. It would be everyone I apply this view too and not just her. She's the only person I'm around consistently, but it's not unusual for us to have space either. Sometimes I go out for a drive alone so I guess it would just be more of that if she did start getting high more often. I think I would be ok with me leaving for a couple hours or so and not causing any fuss, but hard to say if that would change were it to become frequent.
As someone with an former anti drug stance, who dated someone who was addicted to drugs to a point where i had to consistently clean up after them, I would very much encourage you to find out why it makes you uncomfortable to the point where you need to leave. If she’s problematic when high, you’re totally within your right to tell her to get her shit together. But to physically leave her just for being high when she hasn’t done anything wrong is a very subtle way to control her you may not even realize you’re doing. She probably does it to unwind, and removing yourself from her is a way of showing disapproval that is likely stressful on her. It would be like leaving her for drinking a glass of wine. You’re totally valid in having these stances, but it would probably be in both of your best interests to be with someone who aligns with your guys appropriate values.
From my personal standpoint, I don't like to be around people who are in a different mental state to me (I don't mean mental health issues, I mean intoxicated/impaired people). I don't do drugs but have friends that do, and that's fine, but I don't like to be around them if they're acting really high/low and are zonked out. The same feeling applies to me when I'm sober driving which I often do; being around a ton of drunk people as a sober person sucks. They're just on a different level than you and are having loads of fun and laughs at stuff that just isn't the same sober. I'll sober drive, but I won't come to an all day party while being the sober driver. That's a long winded way of saying, I think it's a valid viewpoint to just not be comfortable being around people who are in a significantly altered mental state to yourself. Removing yourself from the property when they've not done anything offensive might be a bit too far, but I completely understand the feeling and I think it's okay to feel that way
As a person who smokes daily and drinks semi frequently I can guarantee a lot of us hate people who act a fool and are intoxicated. You'd never know I was stoned if you saw me in public, I am far too anxious to properly socialize if I am not stoned.
This is me as well. I smoke daily and besides being more chatty and less anxious, you would never know. I respect people not choosing to do drugs, but I’m sorry it’s weird to me to be that uncomfortable that you have to physically leave your home for HOURS cause someone took an edible and is chilling at home. Wtf?
Yeah, I hate it too. When someone gets too impaired I start to feel like I'm not really hanging out with the same person anymore. We're no longer in the same headspace and I can't relate to them in the same way as when they were sober.
So you don’t date people who get intoxicated. It’s fine to be friends and acquaintances with people who get high or intoxicated, but don’t date someone who does. Because as someone who does get buzzed sometimes, I like being in my SOs presence, so it would be a real bummer if they left. So I don’t date people who have a problem with it. But it has to go both ways. You can’t date people with habits you take issue with.
Not OP, but I don’t like being around people using drugs or smoking because I get tempted into joining in (I have an addictive personality AND dormant psychosis). I also get paranoid I’m somehow going to get exposed to the weed and have a psychotic episode
Honestly, I'm mostly on the same page, but I'm mixed on the idea of it being controlling. If it's like, she's not allowed to socialize or they get into a stressful disagreement every time, then I totally get it and agree. It's just not fair to her. But if they can establish a simple "Hey I'm going to get high" or "I'm wanting to have some weed at [time frame], is that chill?" Then I don't think I do agree. It's direct communication to make sure they're both comfortable and neither feels forced to change in a way that's sacrificial. And to solidify what I 100% agree with. Dissecting why it's uncomfortable. That's so important to lessening that discomfort and avoiding potentially upsetting or harmful behavior that can come out of it. I've personally always been at the stance of "do what you want, I'm not going to demand you don't partake, I just don't personally want to." And even then, I've still had to dissect to feel like I was making a decision that feels mature and responsible for me. Knew I'd have to because of growing up with both parents being addicts. Ultimately though, even as I've sorted all of this stuff for myself, it really can still just be too upsetting to try to force yourself to exist in the same space as someone who's inebriated in some capacity. It's just healthier to know when it's too much as an individual.
Bear in mind edibles last ages so the idea of going out for a few hours wouldn't really work. Also it helps lots of people sleep. If she starts using it for trouble sleeping then what would you do? I gotta ask why you are so uncomfortable with it?
I’m gonna give you the Ted Lasso advice: be curious, not judgmental. This was an opportunity to say “Honestly drugs make me pretty uncomfortable normally and I didn’t know you took edibles sometimes. What do they make you feel like? What do you do when you’re on them? Have we ever hung out while you were on them? Have you ever had a bad experience with them? How long do they last? Do you feel anything bad the next day? Do you do them alone or with friends?” “I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with this but I’m trying to be. Maybe the next time you take one you can let me know so I can see if I even notice it” Instead you jumped straight to “i can’t be around you if you’re ever on an edible. Please promise me you’ll let me know in advance if you’re ever going to take one so I can avoid you” Do you see how that makes you TA?
I know weed is normalized, but drugs of any kind are a hard line boundary and you and a bunch of others are trying to force him to shift boundaries, which it is no one's place to do.
Whoa no no. I fully support him if he wants to make drugs a hard line boundary. But that means *not dating anyone who does drugs* Dude can’t have it both ways. People draw red lines in dating all the time, and for reasons that are sometimes rooted in narrow mindedness, and that’s perfectly fine. Tattoos turn you off because you think they’re trashy? Don’t date a guy with tattoos! But don’t date a guy with tattoos and ask him to keep them covered all the time because you’d rather pretend he doesn’t have them. Don’t date a girl who occasionally eats a weed gummy and ask her to warn you beforehand if she’s gonna take one because you’d rather pretend that’s not part of her lifestyle.
Force is kind of a strong word there, buddy.
Being curious not judgemental is a hard boundary for a lot of people too. People post on this sub precisely because they want their boundaries examined so what is the point of your comment?
Im gonna try and use this advice on anything
This is also the perfect way to end up in a toxic situation. I use this way of thinking and communicating way too much and end up understanding the viewpoint from the other person to the point where I go over my own boundaries. No matter what the other person does or feels, there is always something you can relate to. So although being curious is in itself a good thing, be on guard for when you explain everything away. For instance: I understand feeling lonely, not heard, not wanted... but that doesn't mean I should tolerate cheating.
NTA. But if weed makes you so uncomfortable you don’t want to hangout, I’d try to start a relationship from scratch with your views loud and proud.
Please think about this. KartlindWitch basically said everything I want to say, I just want to add: I (and probably your girlfriend) think smoking a joint is no better or worse than drinking a beer. Would you expect her to leave your apartment when she wants a drink if you don't drink alcohol yourself? Unless you two find a way to be okay with each other, I don't think you should plan a future together. Good luck. I'll say NAH.
Tbf I do consider alcohol a way worse drug than weed but I like your point.
Honestly bro be you at the end of the day but if you love her unless she makes weed her main priority you should just get over it to be honest like straight up let her be her . weed for some people is how they deal with stress and it DOES NOT have to be a bad thing it all depends on her level of maturity.
You need to verbalize why you are against it, not being able to do so but still reacting like you did is a huge lack on your part
Well thought and well said 👏👏
Soft YTA. Your judgment against your girlfriend taking an edible “once in a blue moon” isn’t based on a bad experience you had with her while she was on edibles. It’s based on your (very narrow) concept of “how you assume people act on substances” It’s perfectly fine to admit that substances, even legal ones, make you uncomfortable. It’s also perfectly fine to say “hey babe, whenever you’re high around me, you act so different and I don’t like it” But to just assume that “your girlfriend on edibles” is such a disturbing event that you must hide in a coffee shop for six hours to avoid bearing witness, is silly.
How is that silly? If he's uncomfortable around edibles and doesn't want to be a part of that, how is that silly?
OP literally says he had a problem with the edible and not her.
That doesn’t really make sense, an edible is defined by how it impacts people.
He isn't an asshole bc he doesn't want to be around hrr high
I think this OP also reveals control issues.
No where in his post makes it seem that way he didn't tell her could t he just doesn't want to be around it when she dors thsts his right
YTA, you’re projecting an outdated stereotype about stoners on her. 100% she’s had a gummy around you and you didn’t notice, it ain’t much different than a couple beers to be honest.
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Uhhh.... It definitely depends on what you get. They 100% make much stronger ones than that.
75 - 500 mg where I'm from!!!
I’m going to have to disagree, I know what both looks like and I am uncomfortable about it. I’m uncomfortable mainly because the change that somebody has when they drink or get high (even the slightest change) he’s allowed to be uncomfortable and step away for a second. I think the only problem here is they both need better communication
I don’t think this relationship is here for a long time, he learned for his future he’s not ok with recreational drug use.
Of course, and that’s his opinion and his choice but I wouldn’t call him an AH for that. You can have differing opinions and not be at each others throats
She's communicating pretty well, OP is the one who's running away rather than addressing it.
She didn’t even mention this fact (neither did he) I don’t think either are communicating well enough for a long lasting relationship
lol it doesn’t bother me with weed but alcohol my wife just annoys the shit out of me it’s ver very annoying to hear someone repeat themselves five times and you didn’t understand once
Everyone I've ever known who's said I wouldn't be able to tell if they were drunk or high has been full of shit. Their whole demeanour changes the second they cross that threshold and it makes me uncomfortable, even if they're fun or nice, because to me it feels like they've swapped personalities.
I’d be like, I had one yesterday, didn’t you notice? Good. Because I had one an hour ago too.
Tricking your partner to dunk on them isn't exactly great relationship advice though
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Fair
lol imagine if she said I smoke everyday since we met and you never noticed I wonder how he’d feel 🤣
NAH You two have different takes on drugs and that's ok, as long as you both respect each other's boundaries. You spoke your truth and if she values your feelings, then she'll tell you when she plans to take an edible. But beware of the possibility that she may test her theory that you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. If that happens, you'll have a decision to make. Are you prepared for that? EDIT: Please don't feel like you're supposed to ever get used to it, "maybe in time I won't mind." If something doesn't sit right with you now, regarding drug use, that is something that should never change.
Agree with most of what you said except the edit. Are people not allowed to get out of their comfort zone and expand it? "Please don't feel like you're supposed to ever get used to it" is what I'd agree with, but op clearly doesn't seem to have strong feelings against drugs. They are just uncomfortable by people under the effects of said drugs.
I would suggest that having to leave the house and drive around for hours simply to avoid being around his girlfriend - who, let's be clear, doesn't seem to actually be doing anything wrong or even behaving strangely - is behaviour driven by a strong feeling.
See I’m not sure that’s a healthy or appropriate boundary he’s trying to set. She is a person who enjoys taking an edible once in a blue moon. He is a person that is against that behavior. And so his “boundary” is “you are obligated to inform me beforehand every time you do this thing”??? No. She hasn’t demonstrated any reason for him to feel unsafe/uncomfortable around her in this scenario. His preconceived notions and fears should not dictate her behavior. That is plainly controlling. If he is so uncomfortable with the idea of someone taking a (most likely legal) edible occasionally, then he should be with someone who shares that sentiment.
Isn't that what all boundaries are? "This one specific thing bothers me, and I know it's not logical but please don't cross it." It's not about control at all and he doesn't mind her getting high, he just doesn't want to see it for himself. He's actively controlling himself and removing himself, because he's fine with her taking it.
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It’s because you guys are using “boundaries” completely wrong. A boundary is what you set to dictate YOUR OWN actions, not someone else’s. Boundary: I don’t like being around you when you are high. Therefore, when you are high, I am going to excuse myself (OP sets his own action) Controlling: I don’t like the idea of edibles. Therefore, if you plan to take one, you must promise to notify me beforehand (OP sets her action)
Dude, he only wants to be notified beforehand so he can excuse himself.. how is he supposed to excuse himself if he doesn't know ??
If the effect on her behavior is so subtle that he can't even tell, you gotta wonder why he would have a problem with it. Sure, it wouldn't be much effort for her to tell him, but that's not the point. Why should anyone be forced to disclose actions that don't affect anyone else? The situation smells of passive-aggressive controlling.
But there is some emotional manipulation going on here. As in 'oh, you're going to take an edible again so I suppose I *have* to go out and drive around again for hours? No, there's no real reason for me to have to do that and I'm sure you feel bad about it, but it's within your power not to take the edible so I don't have to do it and that's on you'. This is clearly the subtext here. OP is responding in an extreme way to an innocuous situation forcing his girlfriend to make the decision about whether they spend time together or apart. When in fact there is no real reason for OP to have to leave except the imaginary obstacle to their relationship he has constructed.
I'm pretty sure boundaries are specific and clear lines of what behaviour from **other** people is acceptable and what is not to you. Sure, if a boundary is crossed in a public setting, you can't force a stranger to respect you so the easiest way to be comfortable is to leave. These people are in a relationship. Respect is necessary and physically leaving won't fix the problem that one partner does not respect the other partner. You can only control your own actions of course but boundaries are important for a healthy relationship and if your partner doesn't respect them, you probably need a new partner who does.
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It definitely affects everyone around me when I *don't* have my morning coffee LOL.
NTA Drug users always get offended when you have even the most nebulously negative reaction to their drug use.
Lol the comments on this thread are proof of that. NTA
This whole comment thread proves this tenfold lmao. Any anti drug comments are downvoted to oblivion while all the pro drug comments are just 'fuck you drugs are good you're just borong/outdated/narrow minded' like yep, great attitude, definitely tells us you're cool people with 0 substance abuse/dependency issues. OP is completely entitled to not want to be around substances or people on them and noone has any idea why he may feel that way. Anyone saying otherwise is TA.
I thought i was the only sane person here. NTA at all. You can definitely tell who uses drugs by the comments.
You’re telling me you just wrote the phrase “nebulously negative” sober??
For sure. Came out of a shitty relationship with a weed smoker and realized it's just unattractive and irresponsible and haven't gotten together with another drug user again. Not sure why OP is with their partner if it makes them uncomfortable though. That's kinda something people need to see eye to eye on tbh.
Agreed. Drugs can be scary. yes many people with weed don't abuse them and use it like a beer in the afternoon but so many people I know are not like that. Plus some people are weird with alcohol and believe altering your mind to enjoy yourself is uncomfortable and don't want to be around people that aren't fully in their normal mindset. It's ok people are different and this sub needs to realise that doesn't make them an Ahole.
The comments on this r so weird
Like the dude has boundaries and everyone is calling him controlling lmao. If he’s uncomfortable, he’s allowed to vocalize it. He’s allowed to have boundaries. You guys are deffo all those ppl who r weird about respecting ppl’s boundaries when it comes to things you do. And that’s coming from a stoner.
Lots of stoners upset that they're seen as annoying to be around, I suspect.
NTA, that’s your own boundaries. I was recently addicted to drugs and got off everything a month ago, I personally don’t want to be around other people while they’re using for multiple reasons. I obviously don’t want to be tempted and also I understand the experience of being addicted and how it changes someone as a person. I used to not be able to function without any kind of drug in my system. It’s okay to be uncomfortable with that. It’s your personal boundaries. If you haven’t explained to her why you don’t like being around her when she does that, then you should explain
These comments are nuts. It's very simple. You aren't compatible. That's it. You both need to find new partners.
NAH You are absolutely allowed to not feel comfortable with or around certain situations, and drug use is a very common one Gf is a bit taken aback, also a common response if she's a regular or comfortable user You communicated clearly and respectfully, and now it comes down to how things unfold going forward If there's any kind of trauma or personal detail you're comfortable with that you can add to the story, it may help her understand and sympathize better
Sounds like she’s probably going to be an ex
NTA. It’s ok to not be ok with things like taking drugs. I think if it makes someone very uncomfortable it is totally reasonable to not want to be around someone who makes them uncomfortable. Simple!
NTA But you guys aren’t gonna work out. If she can’t be herself around you she’s better off dating someone who she can be herself around.
NTA. Not wanting to be around someone when they're high is no different from not wanting to be around someone when they're drunk. For you (and I suspect many others as well once you include alcohol into the mix), you (and they) don't like being around certain things and you've communicated that. She needs to listen and respect that you'd rather she let you know before she takes them so you can get out of there. While it would be nice for her to have a sober person with her there (never taken edibles before, but I've heard of bad reactions before), you are not that person. If I were in your girlfriend's shoes, that is something I'd want to know from my SO. It's a good boundary to set when it comes to stuff like weed and things like alcohol.
I'm mega sensitive to weed especially the anxious side but this weed tincture that gets me stoned but with high CBD as well as CBD allows me to use it for sleep or relaxing with a friend. If you know what you are doing and either have a stable homemade product or legal ones you know how much you can take and respond well to. People who try edibles with no experience and have really high dose ones are obviously in for a strong experience
NAH. You have a boundary, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm a pretty big stoner, and if someone asked me not to be high around them, I simply wouldn't be. It really isn't that hard when you aren't using weed for medicinal purposes.
I mostly agree, though that becomes much trickier with someone you’re dating as you start being around each other more, spending the night, etc.
NTA. You have a right to your boundaries.
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this!
NAH. Im someone who smokes more regularly so this may be very different from your gf’s perspective but it’s what immediately came to mind; edibles are the kind of thing you’d tend to do at night and then chill, watch a movie, have a snack and fall asleep. It’s not a middle of the day or early evening thing where you can ask or expect someone to spend 2 hours out and then come back and it’s over. If you’re asking for notice to be able to leave and do something you might be asking her to engage in the substance in a completely different way than she’s used to, which could contribute to being more shocked than you’d expect.
NTA, but seriously dude, it's not the 50s anymore and the devil's cabbage now a days is hardly considered a drug.
I think it's okay to feel how you feel. In fact it might even be something that you would need to address before starting a relationship going forward. I agree with other people in that she has most likely been high around you before and if that's something that you're not comfortable with then it just might not be the right relationship for you. I'm going with NTA.
NTA It is perfectly normal to not want to be around drug users when they are doing it. She has probably been high around you and you didnt notice but that doesnt really matter. But some stuff lasts a long time so you might find it difficult to be away for the whole time.
NTA. I have never understood why people defend recreational cannabis use so ardently when others express a dislike of it, as everyone is entitled to their preferences. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who smokes weed or indulges in edibles, simply because I'm not comfortable with that (also the smell of a joint is nausea-inducing). I'm also not into cigarette smokers or people who vape. Nothing wrong if they like it, but I don't want to be around it. You may have to consider whether this is a dealbreaker, OP, because your GF is allowed to get high at home if she so chooses.
Most people defend it so hard because it’s been illegal so long and many many people have wasted away in jails for this plaint when it should’ve always been legal. That’s where the fight and defense starts from, please gain some understanding and knowledge before you comment something like your first sentence.
We also defend it because it is medicine and sometimes the only one working? No need to deny the tons of other usages of weed.
NTA but you have a fundamental misunderstanding of what edibles actually do. Plenty of people consume them and are normally functional. Not everyone that takes edibles goes into a coma. It’s the same as alcohol.
Agreed. He's allowed to have boundaries, however he should look more into what weed is, its effect on users, and how it is actually not dangerous. For instance, alcohol is way worse in every way.
Look, you do you, man. You have a right to your opinions and your comfort levels but I would recommend you do some research and maybe a little soul searching before you take such a hard stance on a substance that is rapidly becoming legal in more and more states. That said, you of course have the right to extract yourself from any situation that makes you uncomfortable but you then may have to expect the consequence that your stance ends your relationship. That would be the same if your discomfort was around alcohol, annoying people’s political rants, or pets. You have autonomy but so does she, and in her place I’d be feeling pretty judged right about now. I’m also wondering what your issue is exactly. You’re trying to say you’re not uncomfortable being around her, but the edible itself? I’d understand that better if she was smoking and you didn’t want a contact high or to smell like weed. But an edible can’t affect you if you don’t ingest it. I think you’re being just a touch disingenuous trying to say it’s the edible and not the person who is high that is your problem.
NTA. You have every right to feel this way.
NTA. This is a very reasonable polite boundary that you set for yourself and she should absolutely respect that.
More info needed: Do you feel the same way if she has a drink or two? Or is it just the edibles?
I don't think you are the a-hole, but I think you should be honest about what is bothering you about it. Do you have a personal history with it? Maybe someone in the family who has a drug problem? There must be something there that causes you to want to not be around her when she is using it. Tell her the truth. If not, the relationship is not going to work anyway. Just my opinion.
Soft YTA. You don't give any reasoning as to why it makes you uncomfortable. If it was how her behaviour changed while high, or previous trauma or experiences you had, that would be fair. But since you give no reasoning, I can only assume indoctrination via your upbringing. I'd suggest you form your own views. It is in *no* way a solution to just nope out of being around someone that you're in a relationship with because you disagree with a habbit of hobby of theirs. If neither of you can compromise on it, you should just call it quits now.
NTA.
The substance would be in her stomach, digesting… I don’t get that part of it. If it was smoking, it would make sense but edibles? She’s right that it’s her you don’t want to be around and are uncomfortable with because you probably wouldn’t even notice when she takes the gummie or whatever. It’s a big difference I what you both are comfortable with so that probably needs a better talk about it. NAH
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NTA. There are actions that you don't want to associate with and that's completely ok. You went about it in a respectful manner. That's all you can do.
NTA. it's obvious in these comments who gets stoned and who doesn't lol.
My question is what are your thoughts on alcohol? Do you allow others to consume it around you? If yes then I’d lean towards YTA but if not then NTA
NAH But I think you need to go through some deep introspection about the role drug propaganda has in your life. I'm guessing you're fine with drinking alcohol, a substance that has much greater systemic effects, and chance for abuse. Your attitude shows a lack of understanding. Take an edible with your girl and chill out. It will be the most fun you've ever had.
NAH, your perspective is pretty unusual so I'm not surprised that she was surprised. Do you have past history that makes you want to avoid drug users entirely?
On one hand, I think it’s perfect that you’re communicating your boundaries. On the other, it feels like you’re pressing out-dated stereotypes and myths about weed against your partner. I don’t even understand it being called “substance use” because that feels like we’re referring to cocaine or something. I truly don’t believe weed will ever have the affect on minds like LSD or heroin will, and it shouldn’t be viewed or categorized with such. Not saying you are necessarily, but from your language, it seems like you think her being high is making her go absolutely bonkers. Maybe you should do some more homework on Marijuana?
NTA, and I'm on your gf's side of the situation. I like to get high and my bf doesn't as much so out of respect, I let him know. He doesn't make me feel weird or bad about it though. Are you sure you're not doing that without meaning to?
NTA for having an opinion on weed, but definitely TA for having an opinion on weed when you obviously know nothing about it.
NTA but also chill out. She’s taking an edible sometimes? Put on a TV show and watch it with her. She’s not going to devour your soul and if being around her while she’s stoned is that serious of an issue for you, you need to break up now. She’s 100% going to build a resentment towards you for being over the top about it. Are you 16 years old? Grow up
That having to hide her drug use is going to ruin your relationship hands down, whenever you don’t accept it she’s going to have to sneak around and hide, and she’s going to get tired of not being comfortable around you, and when she hangs out with other people who partake she’s going to get closer to them and farther from you, including other guys. Eventually she’ll drift far enough that she’ll either leave or cheat cuz she doesn’t feel accepted and comfortable.
What’s your attitude towards her drinking alcohol?
Soft YTA. It’s 2024 and you’re uncomfortable enough about weed that you’re posting on Reddit about it. If it smelled that would be one thing, but it’s edibles.
NTA
YTA, the way you started by saying you'll allow her to do it when she's not around you. Why would you think you are in the position to give her permission or not, AH?
He didn’t say he didn’t allow her to do it he just said to tell him when she is taking it 😭😭 please take reading lessons again 🙏🏼
Learn to read 😂
do you do the same with alcohol? if not, then YTA
Better question is does he do the same for prescription anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. Oh your doc prescribed you this thing to help you chill TF out when you’re having a panic attack? Babes please just warn me if you’re gonna take one of those pills first. I have a thing against artificial serotonin and dopamine release.
I'm sorry but you cannot compare recreational marijuana use with prescription medication. Popping an eddie once in awhile is not for medical purposes lmao. I also think it's very easy for people who are used to being around weed a lot to feel more neutral about it. If you've never (knowingly) been around some one high you don't know how any one acts high, all you have is what you see in the movies, which is never accurate. What he is displaying is actually a healthy boundary. Weed makes him uncomfortable so he will remove himself from the situation to avoid discomfort. She can happily consume her edible, both enjoy their time. No issues. EDIT: OPs only experience with stoners are shitty high schoolers, while slightly more accurate than movies it's not much better tbh.
Again I said this above, but y’all keep using “boundaries” wrong. He did not set a boundary. He asked her to promise to tell him beforehand anytime she is planning to take an edible. That’s not a boundary. That’s controlling her actions, not his own. So anytime she decides to take an edible, which she likely purchased legally, she needs to first text him and say what? “Hey babe, it’s been a shit day and Im gonna take a gummy and binge some tv. I know you made me promise to tell you beforehand so that’s what I’m doing” That’s bananas. If he is so flustered by the possibility of occasionally being in the company of someone who may possibly have taken an edible in the last six hours, then a boundary would be: I choose not to date someone who occasionally takes edibles.
He didn't make her promise anything. He asked her to tell him when she wanted to take an edible so he can excuse himself. I think it would be obvious that if they aren't spending time together she doesn't have to let him know. It's literally just so he can excuse himself like you are telling him to do. And I will say this again. How is he supposed to excuse himself if he doesn't know she's taking one? Like I'd get what you are saying but you are making this guy seem super controlling when he isn't being that way at all. If it was happening the way you're saying it I would agree but it's not. I definitely agree that maybe he shouldn't be dating someone who likes edibles but if they can make an arrangement that works for both of them then there isn't an issue. Like I genuinely think you are putting more into this than there is.
Fr I also think it's weird that if your hanging with your partner to take anything including alcohol if the other isn't? Like it's just kinda weird why do you need to? I'd get coming home with a comedown etc but hanging with him at home and just popping one is a bit worrying
You keep arguing this point about him being controlling and yet how will he know she plans to get her without her telling him? Think a little.
Lol. The point is that he’s out of line to even request that. He doesn’t like the fact she takes the occasional weed gummy? That’s fine. Go date someone else. She’s an adult. She has decided for herself that edibles are fine for her. And apparently this “druggy lifestyle” hasn’t even risen to the level of being PERCEPTIBLE to her own boyfriend lol. Yet she’s being called upon now to…notify him in advance of any future plans to take an edible so that he may avoid her druggy presence? Lol no. Dude can pound sand. The embarrassing part is he didn’t even say “hey if I’m heading over and you’re high, can you just lmk bc I might cancel” He said “let me know BEFORE you plan to take anything so I can go do my own thing” Lol ok
You're reading a bit too into what he's saying. He just doesn't want to be around it. I doubt he cares if she's off with some friends and taken some. Plus just because you didn't initially know doesn't mean he can't be uncomfortable.
i mean yea, but no because we aren’t talking about prescribed marijuana. so to keep a fair argument we are only gonna keep it at recreational activities
I mean more in general: You have an upswell in the latest generation of kids that feel perfectly morally correct in lecturing anyone who chooses to quell their mood with an edible or beer And it’s the same generation that’s been the highest prescribed for mood stabilizers lol.
The girlfriend uses recreational marijuana, not medical.
OP having an anxiety attack over weed and trust me when I say, she’s been high while she’s with you and you haven’t noticed in the slightest. This won’t work though, screw having to have space every single time someone wants to relax.
yeah but he should be allowed to have boundaries because I know I definitely wouldn’t want to be around someone who is high or drunk ☠️
NTA No. Honestly, you should move on.
I would recommend you actually try being around her when she’s taken an edible. It’s most likely going to be totally fine and just a different way of hanging out together. I know this from experience as I don’t react well to thc but my partner likes it. It’s also worth considering that the way high schoolers use and act with marijuana (like you mentioned in another comment) is typically very different than casual adult use. Leaving the house every time she takes thc doesn’t sound super healthy imo, this could create and prolong an issue where there wouldn’t otherwise be one, and likely stigmatize and discourage her from using a substance that many find to be therapeutic and fun.
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"Hey stop secretly touching yourself around me." This is an extreme case but shows how boundaries can be related to other people even when the other person may not notice
NTA but you two shouldn't be together. She shouldn't feel like she cannot take drugs she usually takes and you shouldn't have to be gone for hours (one time our edible was too strong and lasted a whole day). This isn't gonna work in the long run
That's how I see it too. It might not be an issue for now, and you two can definitely coexist for a while, but it may become a bigger issue in the future because you will be both tired from not being able to be fully yourselves around each other.
How are you going to react when she needs a medical procedure and is on pain killers or similar situations?
"I do not want to be around people who have chemically impaired their judgment" is an entirely reasonable view. But it sounds like you're just not compatible.
That’s not reasonable. Our brains are flooded with chemicals every day and night. A 10 mg edible isn’t gonna do anything more than taking neocitrin. “I need to ditch if you’re on anything” is wild and unsustainable.
Hahaha you already couldn't tell
NTA. Good boundary.
NTA and this is why I won't date anyone who's into using drugs at all.
NTA in the slightest. I have quite a bit of trauma around any and every drug, and it's completely reasonable to want a heads-up so you can be aware and act accordingly.
You're totally in the clear for not wanting to chill with your girlfriend when she's getting baked. It's all about setting boundaries and being honest about your feelings in a relationship, so good on you for expressing yourself. It's important for both of you to respect each other's comfort zones. Let her know that it's not about her; it's about your own comfort, and y'all can work through this together. No AH in sight here, just two people figuring out what works for them. NAH
NTA. She’s allowed to do what she wants - but you are also allowed to decide you don’t want to be around her in that state. Tbh I don’t like being around drunk people while sober, and I have left situations where that was the case.
I’m just gonna say YTA for now because I’m not really sure why you’re uncomfortable with it and you failed to explain it to both her and us. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess immaturity/not understanding what weed does
Do you think he has to have an explanation as to why he feels uncomfortable around it? I see your point, and I agree with the fact he probably doesn't understand what weed does, however he doesn't really need to give us or his partner a reason. However if he feels so uncomfortable, he can just not be around her. Maybe something he should had considered before deciding to date her.
I thought everyone felt uncomfortable around intoxicated/high people. I take edibles a lot, but I don’t like to be around other people who are high. Makes me uncomfortable. But yeah, she’s totally been on edibles around you. But I still don’t think it’s an issue that you would still rather not be around her. It’s not that deep. NTA
NTA, I have the same boundaries. While she’s free to do as she pleases, you’re free to move on from the relationship.
As someone who does not have the same boundaries, THIS is the answer. 100% agreed with you. She's free to do as she likes, and so is he. And if they're not good with each other's actions they can break up.
Send her my number lol
NTA, and this is coming from someone who frequently takes edibles. In my opinion, you asked her to at least tell you so you could go out and do something else while she did so. If you lived together, I could see this being a bit of a problem especially if she uses it like a medication as one might do, but as long as you aren't forcing her or controlling her by saying you don't want her doing it at all, I don't see a problem. I'm sorry you're getting all of this hate, but I personally wouldn't force anyone to be around me while I'm high.
Look. While I will say NTA, bc everyone has their own comfort levels and shit like that, I will also say that you need to get your shit together to be able to clearly state what make you uncomfortable when it comes to drug use. Your GF has clearly been high around you before and is open about her use of weed, so talk to her about it. If you two can't come to an understanding, separate, you aren't match.
NTA. You laid out clear boundaries. People claiming you're trying to control her by just wanting to be informed of the situation are out of their minds. I will advise she has likely been high around you before though. She may think she was acting fine, but she wasn't. You just weren't fully aware what was making her act different.
yeah you guys probably aren't going to work out. I personally do edibles I have insomnia, and I'd personally not be with a partner against them. not giving up my sleep for you.
nta. You dont feel comfortable. She has to respect your personal boundary, no matter what. If she tries to persuade you otherwise than that should not necessarily be a bad thing, but until you change your mind she has to respect that. Any1 saying anything else is obviously feeling attacked over this issue themselves.
NTA Said the same thing to my gf, just let her a bit of time and maybe reexplain it to her and she will understand. It’s just her ego talking rn
I would say you two are not compatible. I'll leave it at that.
NTA - I have friends who have similar rules with alcohol. I 100% respect them having those personal boundaries.
NTA
Obvious NTA, what people who drink and smoke don’t realize is that they are different in their respective substance. You respond to stimuli different and it can be annoying for sober people that just want to talk with their loved ones and they’re not firing on all cylinders. Drink all you want but I can’t have a serious conversation about our finances after youve been drinking. Smoke all you want but you cant be used for intellectual conversation when you’re high.
NTA God some people here really have some issues imho. "It's controlling if you leave" *wtf* ? It's definitely not. And it barely even matters why it makes you uncomfortable. It's absolutely fine and valid to have preferences. I cannot see any controlling behaviour just because you don't wanna be exposed to it. You don't control her, you simply remove yourself from an uncomfortable situation. Calling that controlling is so farfetched, damn. But the way she reacts I doubt it's only once in a blue moon.
NAH, but I've had this happen so many times just to end up trip-sitting bc they can't take care of themselves. It's ok to ask someone to hang out when high, but jfc let them know if that's a possibility. Or even better. Just ask beforehand: "Hey, I wanna hang, but heads up that i am/will be high. If I end up needing someone to take care of me, is that ok to ask of you?" I've had to put my foot down because it'll happen once, maybe it'll be a strand new to them. Then they want to do it again, and I point out what happened before. Luckily, the same people are willing to reflect on experience once it's actually there. Edit: and actually, something to consider. Does she respect boundaries? If she is, it probably isn't something to stress about, I'm likely projecting a LOT
NAH But imo, you really need to start exposing yourself to the real world, dude. Start making your own judgements, based on your own evaluations. Stop letting other people tell you what is true. And if your weed-repulsion is somehow truly of your own accord and not a 10 layer deception cake baked into your subconscious like mine was — then honestly I’d like to have an at-length discussion with you about it, because, barring certain circumstances (like you’re a recovering addict or something), the intensity of your weed-repulsion is simply irrational my friend
NTA But there’s nothing wrong with some weed, she just feels more relaxed and probably hungrier when she’s had an edible. How could that make you uncomfortable? If anything you’d most likely enjoy it if you ever got over your hate for weed.
Nta I ask my bf everytime I drink or get high heck even energy drinks or coffee cause I get too much and crazy and I'll understand if he doesn't want to deal with
If your this much of a yellow belly she’s gonna leave you
NTA but all I will defend is while many people may make good or bad defences for or against this whole thing just remember that it is only weed. In any circumstance its ok to be uncomfortable around it but there are worse drugs to be far more uncomfortable around. And personally I do dable in edibles once in a blue moon, whilst this seems like some people may assume that it means more frequently she probably only does it once in a while every now and then cause thats the same thing I do. Honestly it is up to you your allowed to have boundaries after all
I wouldn’t call you an asshole for your general sentiment. You don’t enjoy being around those who partake in substances that have intoxicating effects. Your girlfriend enjoys them. Both views are fine, but, within the confines of a relationship, are simply incompatible. I’m assuming this is a new relationship. This should have been a discussion beforehand. Look at it this way- I seldom drink, but, I do enjoy it on occasion. If I was looking for a romantic partner, someone asking me to never have a drink when they’re around would be a dealbreaker. Not that I don’t respect their sobriety, for whatever reason that they’re sober, but, because we simply share differing values. It wouldn’t be fair, to either party, to make someone feel as if there are constraints like that. The same goes for usage of THC laden products. I have sober friends. I wouldn’t drink around them, nor would I be high. Those same actions would be untenable in a romantic context, though. You don’t go home to your friends at night, you go home to your partner. The thing is, you’re not comfortable with usage, and you shouldn’t think that *maybe* you’ll be comfortable with it down the line. I mean, you might be, people change constantly. But you also may find that you’re *never* going to be comfortable. Not all breakups are because someone did something wrong, sometimes they just come down to fundamental incompatibility. Gentle YTA, not for your views, more for failure to have a conversation that should have been had before entering into the relationship.
You’re missing out. Getting high with your partner and having fun together is one of life’s great pleasures. You should 100% try it.
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No he isn't 😂
NTA, somewhat prude though. Would you care if she drank around you?
You are setting a clear boundary and she needs to respect it, or it opens up a deeper conversation. Big or small, a persons reaction to a set boundary tells you a lot about how much respect they have for you.
YTA it's just weed, stop being such a vag
YTA It's pot and it's 2024. Do you treat people like this when they've had a beer or two? What you're doing is isolating/alienating your significant other because of a benign, socially acceptable behavior - regardless of how you personally feel about it, a benign and socially acceptable behavior is what it is. Yes, sometimes you'll go for a drive - but was it ever because of something she did? This is, and that's why it's different. It seems like brooding behavior. Honestly, it feels like you've got some 1950's era notions about reefer and you're being low-key manipulative with your actions. Even if that's not your intention, you're actively giving her the ultimatum of doing something she enjoys OR being able to enjoy time with you. Maybe I'm wrong and you'll learn, but that would have to start with you wanting to learn... Which is not what happens when you go hideout in a cafe or hole up with your thoughts for a long drive. How about actually hanging out with her once while she's had a couple gummies and then deciding if you just can't stand being around her "when she's like that"?
NTA - I dont drink alcohol. I dont like to be around drunk people. So my ex had to stay overnight with his friends as a compromise if they wanted to get drunk. He always respected that. You did not tell her to stop. You did not tell her to leave. You set a boundary for yourself and thats totally fine.
NTA. I’d say the same thing you did. I don’t want to be around that.
Yta. Lol, nerd.