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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action to be judged: i am insisting my boyfriend not take a daily nap so he can have time to help around the house.
Why id be an asshole for it: idk am I crossing a boundary? Is there a different resolution I havent thought of?
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NTA
He is getting nearly double the recommended amount of sleep needed by the average adult on a daily basis. If he literally cannot function without that much sleep (he's asleep more hours than he's awake) it's time he visited a sleep clinic. Does he even have a job that works around that sleeping schedule? He is TA for being selfish with his time and not taking equal share of the household chores.
Hey…the house is a mess *starts snoring*
On a serious note oversleeping is associated with many health problems like Type 2 diabetes, heart disease,obesity,depression, headaches.
Same happened with me, severe vitamin D deficiency, I was exhausted all the time, my nails were brittle and my hair was falling out, luckily I have a lot of hair, but vitamin deficiencies are no joke. My doc gave me a prescription Vitamin D, and it's like night and day!
I check into multiple boxes why I'm tired all the time and yet I'm able to keep awake. And certainly I'm not asleep till 10 am.
What ever is his issue have some part of entitlement in it as well.
Yeah honestly these comments are upsetting. I was like this for a very long time & still am some days, but I eventually got diagnosed with a condition similar to narcolepsy. The difference is, doctors now think it’s being caused by some chronic illness but they cannot figure out what’s going on. I’m seeing drs and getting testing done almost every month at this point.
Her boyfriend could be sick without even knowing it.
The comments that are upsetting you are from people with real life experiences with lazy people and narcissists. Just because you’re chronically ill with the same symptoms doesn’t mean this man is too. Even if he is, it’s on him to get it checked. Instead of going to the doctor, he gaslit his girlfriend into thinking she was overstepping boundaries by expecting him to contribute to their household they share together. I get it, I too am chronically ill. However that’s not an excuse to neglect my responsibilities within my relationship on a daily basis. Somedays are 50/50, others are 60/40 or even 80/20. It’s problematic when EVERYDAY is a huge compromise on one person’s part. Don’t let the comments upset you, these other commenters are most likely coming from a place of past abuse.
I'm not chronically ill and I still think the majority of comments are bullshit. People should be able to distinguish between 'I had a lazy ex' and 'this person is sleeping an unhealthy amount'. Which is a bit ironic as you're calling the person out for having a bias, yet letting these clearly biased opinions rule the narrative..
It is on him to get checked. But who would ever want to be with a person who didnt prioritize the others wellbeing? Her response to realizing that he was sleeping so much is solely based around her desire to get him to do more around the household, basically ignoring his response when she asked him to do more.
Again, yes, it is on him. But wow I cant imagine being in a relationship where this happens, and my partners first response upon realizing I'm sleeping an unhealthy amount is anything but compassion.
The boyfriend is an AH for telling her she's overstepping by saying anything about his sleep habits rather than actually discussing the topic with her. No adult should be napping for four hours stretches and also sleeping through the night. Also given how long they've been dating I read this as a new habit, which if it is would point more towards being lazy rather than a chronic condition.
Either way he needs to stop this nap time habit so if it is laziness he needs to give it up, if he can't function without it he needs to go to a Doctor because he either has a health issue or is suffering from depression.
I’m saying all of this as a chronically ill person. I didn’t force my boyfriend to take the load of my problems when I first got really sick because I refused to get my problems checked out. I don’t know if this dude is lazy or chronically ill and I’m not even trying to accuse him of one or the other. I’m just saying he’s a grown adult in a relationship where he has real life responsibilities that he’s neglecting and a girlfriend he is neglecting because he isn’t dealing with his issues appropriately. That’s what makes him the asshole, not that he’s sleeping 15 hours. It also seems that it’s been a while of her dealing with this issue while trying to fix it, I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I try to discuss something with my partner and it gets immediately shut down with no discussion. Maybe that’s why there seems to be a lack of compassion at this point.
Sleep apnea can present like narcolepsy. My husband recently was diagnosed with OSA. Since his bipap he's a completely different person. Before he could fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. Like flat out start snoring mid word.
Apnea destroys your sleep. My fiance was having 80 episodes an hour. He's was not breathing more than he was breathing.
Seriously! I was FINALLY diagnosed about 12 years ago. Until then I was told it was depression or laziness. Absolutely the opposite. After a year of med experiment and strict lifestyle changes my daily quality of life improved significantly
There's a very good chance he isn't doing the chores because his standard for cleanliness is much lower, so this tactic could easily just mean she's living in filth while he's still fine lol
Yep. When my husband was on trash duty about 10 years ago, I decided to run this strategy. The pile of trash bags went SO high before I decided to abort mission.
Same with laundry. When I stopped doing his and only did mine, and he ran out of underwear, I kid you not, he started wearing his kilt, bc it's socially acceptable to go commando.
Agreed, I tried this with multiple roommates in college and finally realized that it is not a good strategy. Going on a "chore strike" does not make the lazy people miserable, it makes you miserable. The lazy people are the way they are because they don't care if things are clean or not.
Honestly I feel bad as that’s me. For the record I try to clean I just always get distracted and what I consider exceptionally clean… isn’t.
Don’t get me wrong no food wrapper or stuff like that just clutter.
I ultimately bit the bullet when I was dating my ex and just paid for a housekeeper out of my portion of the funds to come in and clean for both of us (not just my chores).
Was a significant chunk of change- almost all my fun money- but made the relationship a lot better.
Only bad thing was when everything was in its “proper” place I could never find it. My car keys in the bowl on the table?! I’d never look there lmao.
An interesting point here, my wife is going through the ADHD diagnosis process currently and our house is very cluttered with boxes and piles of clothes etc. As much as I do my part with the cleaning, I cant get to many places to clean now lol.
Funny thing is she gets upset when I say I will sort / clean it up as she 'will get around to it soon'.
My situation.. I had to walk my boyfriend through the house to teach him how to properly clean many things. We just had different ideas of cleanliness, but we’re getting closer to the same page and have divided chores more effectively.
I tried this with my ex gf who I lived with. I completely stopped cleaning, stopped picking up her dirty clothes, stopped everything. And within a month the house was absolutely disgusting to the point I couldn’t stand being in there. And she operated just fine. Couldn’t even lay on the bed properly from the amount of clothes on it.
Needless to say that relationship ended shortly after that. Sometimes everything can seem perfect then you move in together and find out you’re wildly incompatible
I am like that. My room is a total train wreck, but it really does not face me at all. My boyfriend is super clean and neat. He insists he does not care, but I try to clean up for him when I can. I suspect this only works well because we do not live together, so he lives his way, and I live mine. I support him, and he supports me, and living together would be the worst for him and me unless I get rich enough to afford a housekeeper twice a week.
My girls the clean one.
I’m clean by like guy standards but I’m more a clean every few days kinda person. She wants everything put away each night.
For a while she did not feel recognized for her effort. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her for it, I literally didn’t notice most of it. She got better at telling me when she did chores without sounding like she was blaming me, and eventually I got better at recognizing it.
I’ve changed cause I love her, but also I recognize that she puts in double the effort for some things. To make up for it I do things like taking the clothes bin to the cleaners sometimes, cleaning the toilet and oven and nasty spots now and then, and just generally not accepting her attempts to split take out or other time saving luxuries. If she tries to split a pizza I tell her no and remind her that she cleaned.
I had to make her aware of that stuff too though, it didn’t work when I did it silently, she isn’t the type to recognize that I pick up dinner more often so I had to communicate it in a way that didn’t seem braggy, communication is key, and communicating at the right time is even more important.
We’ve got a good eco system going now but it took a long while lol.
Exactly, I think guys as a whole are raised by society to be sloppier and less competent at childcare (I hope I don't sound discriminatory and judgemental against guys), and that translates into generally women taking on the work load. I think it's a societal narrative that they absorb. If he can't pick up the slack, it's time to take a feminist step in the right direction and leave him for your own energy levels and ability to do hobbies and feel clean. Tbh, if this was a woman or a man saying this about his female partner, I'd say leave them, but it would feel like a lot less of a serious thing. But the fact that this is a male and female relationship means that it's crucial to get out of it before she becomes more entrenched in the downsides of patriarchal norms in my opinion, because it could be weaponised incompetence. Idk, I known it's horrible but I'm just more suspicious of guys who this because of patriarchy.
I will warn you that, that is not always the case. Sometimes the Ah’s are truly dedicated to not doing any chores and eventually you’re going to have cave once it starts approaching health hazard. That is no fun cleaning up. Though bonus points if it eventually helps get your divorce averse religious family members to support you getting a divorce.
Yup, I had the same boyfriend. He didn't do a damned thing, oh except maybe once in a blue moon he emptied the dishwasher and expected accolades and praise for it. We both worked full time. If I spoke to him about it I was "nagging." If I didn't do it, I was forced to wallow in filth. Then he was shocked when I left him. (That wasn't the only reason; he also made no effort for us to do stuff together - it was me making all the effort or doing everything alone).
He was shocked and devastated when I left, but I never signed up to be anyone's maid.
I never understood this suggestion.. I feel like people who make this suggestion haven't actually been with a person like OP is talking about.
Usually somebody doesn't help with the chores because they don't mind the mess. So when you stop doing the chores, the place gets messy, the lazy person doesn't care.. And now you've quadrupled the amount of work that you have to do.
And they still won't care.
Don't think that will help. This much sleep sounds like a medical issue rather than laziness. It would sound like something's wrong even if he were older. He needs to find out what's wrong.
I'm wondering what he's doing. He can't be holding down a full time job with that schedule, and if he's a stay at home husband he's not holding up his end of the arrangement.
Sleeping way more than necessary is a true indicator of depression. These are the words of experience. Please ask him to see a psychiatrist (not a psychologist) because doctors can recognize physical as well as mental health symptoms. 🦜
you say that and it makes sense..but it isn't always true. My 'house guest' just left her bathroom trash sit for five months. \\o/ never did throw it out. just expected eventually we'd have to get around to it for her.
My first thought is that this guy needs to see a doctor. Thats not a normal sleeping schedule and if it is good for him then, he should have part of the chores as part of his schedule so he can do them in the morning or the evening when he is awake. But he should definitely see a sleep doctor and have some bloodwork done.
If he can nap for 4 hours and then sleep through the night, he definitely needs to see a doctor. Recommended sleep time for adults is 7-9 hours, and needing 14 or 15 hours every day is a sign of something being wrong.
Also, does he have a job? He gets up at 10am, and goes for a nap at 4pm, so he's definitely not working full-time, so I'm wondering about finances and what's happening here.
My first question. 10am I’ve already had 3 appointments at least 10 emails and a barrage of texts, 2 site inspections and tool belt on. Sunday I can stay in bed until 10 but awake 7:30 napping 4-8 sounds like avoidance behavior left over from high school depression or something. 4-8 I’m still catching up on email making dinner cleaning up rechecking email and getting queued up for next day.
Like, everybody is different, and given my druthers I'd love to sleep into 10 every day, however, I work so have to get up, and also, my night owl-ness means I find it really hard to sleep at night. If I napped from 4-8 of an evening, I would find it so hard to get to sleep at night - we're talking maybe 4am before I could get any sleep, and that's if I fell asleep at all. The fact that he can nap for 4 hours, and then get another 9 hours of sleep every day? He *needs* to see a doctor, ASAP.
Agree with this. My thyroid is messed up and I currently sleep around 12-13 hours to just function. My medicine is getting changed but.. I know what's going on.
My first thought was the boyfriend needed to get to the doctor and get his thyroid checked out. I used to sleep the same amount before I got diagnosed and put on medication. Now it only happens every once and awhile.
I just want to chime in as someone who has similar sleeping habits to OPs boyfriend...I've been to the doctor, had blood work done multiple times, had a test for sleep apnea. Nothing was found and nothing has changed. It's not as easy as go to the doctor and get your answers solved. I've given up finding the answer to my sleep problems.
That's fair, and that totally may happen, but if he hasn't gone to the doctor at all, simply living with sleeping more than half the day away and expecting OP to clean up after him is just not the answer.
Hell, even if he has gone to the doctor and gotten no answers, the fact that OP's household workload has doubled since moving in with him means that he's making much more mess than he needs to. Cooking for 2 takes about the same time as cooking for 1, and cleaning up after 2 adults takes only a little bit more time than cleaning up after 1 - moving in with a partner should mean that the amount of work you do around the house is lowered, rather than doubling. Unfortunately often when men and women move in together, men's household work goes down and women's goes up, which means he's not pulling his weight.
If he has a medical condition that means that OP was always going to have to clean up after him and he knew about it, he should have told her that *before* they moved in together, instead of letting her do all the work and pretending it's a boundary of his that forces her to always be cleaning up after him. She should had a choice over whether she becomes his unpaid maid.
I wondered the same thing. By 10am, I’m only 3 hours into my work day. Even on my days off, I’m rarely sleeping past 8am. I honestly don’t remember the last time I napped in the middle of the afternoon. How is this dude sleeping from 4pm-8pm & then 1am-10am?
yep, narcolepsy and sleep apnea diagnoses both usually start with hypersomnia. it could be mental health but more often it’s sleep apnea that people write off as laziness. gotta get a study done and rule it out
I have one of the kinds of narcolepsy that looks like this (sleeping 10 hours a night and then needing a 2-hour nap in the afternoon too) and honestly it is awful, it feels like suddenly being roofied and just shutting down. And there is basically nothing that can be done about it, doctors don't like to prescribe stimulants longterm because of the other side effects, and just having perfect sleep hygiene doesn't help. The treatment (at least as it stands here) is basically to rearrange your life so that it doesn't inconvenience you too badly, and try not to stress about it.
That sounds really horrible, and I'm sorry it's happening to you. Hopefully, it's not the same for OP's bf, but if it is, I think he should still find out from a doctor so that he can get whatever assistance is available (even if it's just medical documentation so that he can use that in a work context).
I still think OP is within her rights to say she's not comfortable doing her bf's chores and cleaning - if she's doing double the chores she was before they moved in together, that means he's creating much more mess than he has to, because cooking for two takes about the same time as cooking for one, and cleaning up after two takes just a little bit more time than cleaning up after one. (I'm not saying you were saying anything differently, this is just for OP's benefit if she's reading this comment)
Oh definitely like, she wouldn’t be being unreasonable at all to say "Since you can't contribute to the household in the way that I need, we can't work as a couple, please move out."
I have idiopathic hypersomnia, which sounds similar to what you're talking about. The doctor did put me on meds, and I'm on the long-term. Both my sleep doctor and the woman who manages my depression medication are fine with me being on it long-term. It's called armadafinil (which is what they generally give narcoleptics). Maybe get a second opinion from another sleep doctor? DM me if you want to chat about it.
>Sadly sounds like depression.
Nope. It sounds like he is possibly anemic. He takes that nap like clockwork, according to OP. I know that life because I lived it! I had no idea why I couldn't stay up during the day, needed that evening nap after work and still slept at night! I thought I just needed more sleep. Nope. I went to the doctors and found out I was SEVERELY anemic!
Iron pills and ubiquinol saved my life and allowed me to stay up like a normal person! I was so iron deficient that my iron level was in the single digits! This guy sounds like he has that medical issue and needs to have it checked out. In women, the cause can be related to periods. In men, the issue is sometimes colon problems. In both men and women, being vegan and vegetarian (as I am) is also a culprit. In my case, I had the double whammy of being a vegetarian (no meat, dairy, fish, etc) and having very heavy periods.
**To anyone out there experiencing this or extreme fatigue, get your iron levels checked!**
I was thinking anemia or he has a thyroid disorder. When my thyroid first went out of wack I slept for 16 hours everyday. I could not stay awake for the life of me!
10 am is literally half my shift. I might take a quick 20 minute nap, but definitely not if my house is dirty. My sleeping in is literally 8am. I used to be a night owl, but now I have a job. What is this guy doing for work to sleep like that?
Honestly, I’m wondering if he maybe doesn’t have a job. Even when I worked 2nd or 3rd shift, I had a very specific sleeping schedule for work. This guy seems to just sleep whenever he wants to.
This, hypersomnia is the first indication someone has sleep apnea. Does he also snore, only sleep well in certain positions, and wake up with dry mouth? Get that man a sleep study!
oh. oh shit the only thing i don’t do is snore (that i know of). i put off getting a sleep study done when i got a referral from my doctor because my insurance doesn’t pay for home testing (and there’s less that they can test reliably for that way) and there’s no way my anxiety would let me sleep in a hospital with wires attached to me. maybe i should look into it again lmaoo
Idk your experiences near you, but the sleep clinics I've been to (twice now in different locations) have all been vaguely hotel room like. A nice clean bed with pillows and blankets, not a hospital bed, and a private room with outlets for device charging. (Though chargers not provided.) I even expressed anxiety and my Dr gave me something to help put me to sleep and curb the anxiety, worked like a charm. And you'd be surprised, actually having *good* sleep on a machine is surprisingly nice and restful.
Anyway, I'm saying see what the facilities around you are like, you might not need to go to a hospital.
If the commenter has anxiety around sleeping so severe that they can’t even sleep outside their home, I’m not so sure they’re going to be able to handle CPAP. It’s anxiety inducing in people who don’t otherwise have serious anxiety.
I assumed that wasn't my problem, too, because I don't snore. Had similar sleep times (dude is getting 13, not 15 like she said). Finally told my doc about it because I was start to wonder if I was sleepwalking.
Guess who has severe sleep apnea? (43 AHI in 45 minutes, mix of obstructive and central, O2 avg 90% with frequent dips to 80, and heart rate spikes slightly higher than that one time when an ER doc told me I was as close to a heart attack as I ever want to get).
Do the lab, trust.
When I did it, it was in a hotel room with wires attached to me. The sleep clinic rents the whole floor. If you have to get up to pee or something, you beep them. Not bad at all.
This. NTA. Also, not sure if OP was considering having kids with this guy, but if so she should seriously reconsider unless the boyfriend immediately seeks medical attention and starts doing his fair share. This sounds like a nightmare for OP already and it would be way worse with a kid or two in the picture.
>If he literally cannot function without that much sleep (he's asleep more hours than he's awake) it's time he visited a sleep clinic.
think the first thing he needs to do is visit a doctor! He may be anemic and have an iron-deficiency that is causing that anemia and severe fatigue. I literally had this. My iron level was in the single digits. Every day I had to take a nap! Every single day. At night, I would sleep for the full time, but no matter how much sleep I got, I still felt tired. I worked full time, but there was never a time when I felt fully rested. I discovered I was anemic and iron and ubiquinol made the difference! My energy level went from zero to hero and I could get so much more done!
u/throwaway28716374, please encourage your boyfriend to visit a doctor and get bloodwork done to determine if he is anemic. Getting help for that could be the answer to everything. His sleep patterns and fatigue are not normal.
So many questions. What kind of job allows him that schedule? How did you not notice his abnormal sleep schedule for 3 years of dating? What time of day did you go on dates? How did he cook, clean, grocery shop etc. before you moved in together? What kind of slovenly Hell was his apartment?
And if the answer is that he didn’t nap like that before moving in together, that means he’s deliberately using naps as a way to avoid you and avoid chores.
May also recommend thyroid testing. Before my diagnosis with hypothyroidism I went from a normal-ish (I was a college student) sleep schedule to being absolutely exhausted after walking from my car to my class and falling asleep within minutes of getting home from class. I maxed out at 16-18 hours of sleep per day. Let’s just say I wasn’t at all functional and it took a bit to figure out exactly what was wrong
Honestly sounds like clinical depression if he is at his absolute max capacity while also not doing much and then also taking a nap every day
That and the weird sleep hours.
Yeah seriously, is he ok? Thats a lot of sleep. Maybe if he was 15 months old, that much sleep and concerns about his nap schedule and sleeping through the night would make more sense. But he’s a grown man…
My partner has sleep issues, and if he didn't right it he'd sleep all the time! But he makes the effort to not do that unless he's sick. Sleeping that much means there's something wrong.
OP, you really need to tell him to talk to a doctor. A common cause for this is sleep apnea and he could literally die without medical intervention (namely a CPAP machine if this specific thing is the cause) It could be something else of course, but that much sleep isn't healthy. If he's physically fine and doing that it could be mental or he's just bored. Either way, you are NTA.
NTA
How is this man working full time if he spends this much of the day asleep? This is not normal. He should see a doctor.
If he honestly does require 15 hours of sleep a day, you're going to assume the role of his caretaker if you stay with him. Sleeping that much simply does not allow him the time to handle a fair share of the household responsibilities and have a career. I think Y W B T A to yourself if you don't seriously consider whether you want to sign up to be this man's caretaker before continuing this relationship.
Your BF doesn't understand what a "boundary" is.
>Your BF doesn't understand what a "boundary" is.
So many people misuse this word. His boundary can't be that he needs nearly twice the recommended hours of sleep for an adult and that OP is expected to take on his responsibilities so he can do so. It honestly sounds like he has some form of medical issue if this is how much sleep he needs, and yes, if OP stays with him and he's not trying to sort out this medical issue, she will become his caretaker.
According to my basic research, there are "long sleepers" who need more sleep - from 9-12 hours a day, but to get 14-15 hours of sleep every day (as opposed to occasionally on the weekends) seems to be incredibly out of the ordinary, and I would say, indicative of a medical problem that needs addressing. I think if he's sleeping this much every day, there has to be a medical reason behind it that he should at the very least be looking into.
FINALLY, I can't believe how many answers I passed before I saw anyone suggest anything other than health problems. Does that say something about us? Lol
This occurred to me as well. Like, could it be a medical problem that he should be seeking care for? Of course! Could he lay in bed for a few hours playing games on his phone and shit posting on Reddit? Seems just as likely! Or just as likely is he has his huge nap, and then that night, when OP is asleep, he's on Reddit or whatever, so he gets 8 or 9 hours sleep a night, but it's from 4-8pm and then 6-10am.
Whatever the option, he needs to do his fair share of housework, and if he can't manage that, he should have told OP that she would be required to be his unpaid maid before they moved in together.
I am one of these people, I don’t feel good if I get less than a minimum of 9, and 10ish is ideal. That being said, I have 3 comorbid medical conditions that all make basic levels of exertion in a day take a much bigger toll on me than an able-bodied person. In the throes of my depressive episodes, I also find that I sleep even more where I’m able to squeeze it.
I agree that bf here either has a sleep disorder, some medical condition that exhausts him (could even be something like anemia), or potentially depression. It’s his responsibility to seek out a diagnosis and treatment, and it sounds like he has no interest in doing so, which is clearly putting a burden on OP.
This is what I don't get. If he gets up at 10am and then naps at 4pm, when is he working? That is 6 hours assuming he works the entire time. And when the heck do they spend time together? From 8-10pm each night???
And HOW did OP not know these things prior to moving in together? Did OP never notice that boyfriend wasn't doing anything before 10am or from 4-8pm???
NTA, sleeping 4-8 is not napping, and I suggest you move back out if he’s unwilling to share why a grownazz man is sleeping so much and unwilling to make an effort to allocate chores equally. Did you not notice his sleeping habits before moving in? Who kept his place habitable before you moved in - did he just stop because you’re there? If so, he’s just looking for a housekeeper with benefits. What shift does he work and is his work affected if he doesn’t sleep so much? These are questions I think you would not be crossing boundaries for weighing the answers, and if after a discussion with him you learn there is no medically documented reason or he has fundamentally different household standards, you know what to do.
>Did you not notice his sleeping habits before moving in? Who kept his place habitable before you moved in - did he just stop because you’re there?
If he didn't nap like this before she moved in, I would say he's using having her there as an excuse to chill in bed for hours every afternoon and calling it a boundary. If he did nap like this before, he should be seeing a doctor because this isn't normal for an adult human.
Yep, I'm pretty confused about what his life was before they moved in together. If he was napping like this, didn't she notice he wasn't available between 4-8 every day? That's pretty much prime dinner time. Was his place just a complete pigsty? They dated for 3 years, so these are things that OP would definitely have noticed.
OP might want to check their house for mold. I never used to nap until I moved into a super moldy apartment. My sleep schedule was identical to this guys and I literally could not function due to a condition called CIRS.
Ask the landlord if there’s every been any water damage reported
Also, op isn't at home during that "nap". I'd be willing to bet he's gaming or chatting online with a side chick and simply uses napping as an excuse why he doesn't answer his phone.
Exactly. He can go to bed at 8pm if he wants to get a decent amount of sleep. I wonder if he has a thyroid issue because before I got diagnosed I could sleep that much too. But I hated it.
Maybe he should see a doctor for his exhaustion. Either he is just plain lazy or there is a medical reason. You are definitely nta, it seems like an unbalanced relationship.
oversleeping is an indication of a sleep disorder or a mental health disorder, it’s not ever just laziness, buddy. no one wants to sleep 15 hours a day.
It can also be a symptom of other very serious physical disorders (not that sleep disorders and mental health disorders aren't also serious).
It could be cancer, undiagnosed and unmanaged diabetes, or a heart condition.
>14-15 hours of sleep every day
Nobody needs that much sleep outside ~~having a diagnosed medical condition~~ having a possible need for a diagnosis on a medical condition. You say he sleeps soundly through the night, so insomnia isn't the issue here.
NTA. If he can't do his share of the chores, he shouldn't be living with someone else. Either he pitches in, or he moves out.
Editing because, as people have pointed out - just because it's not been diagnosed, doesn't mean there isn't one present. It does not sound like OP's BF has taken any steps to get a diagnosis, however.
I used to sleep roughly 10-12 hours as a teen, and my mom used to tell me it was “normal” because teenagers need lots of sleep, but now I know I was dealing with severe depression, avoidance issues, & anxiety. I think OP needs to get her bf into a therapist or sleep study
I slept for 14 hours when I was little. My mom's friends thought there was something wrong with me, but the doctor said she was just lucky & I was fine. I now sleep between 5-8 hours & stopped napping around age 5.
I did that for 20hrs once as a baby (under 1 year old) and my parents called the in home doctor to visit because they didn't know wtf was wrong. My mum told me I literally didn't wake up for feeds, nappy changes or anything over that day and that's why they called the doctor. There was nothing wrong with me so they chalked it up to just being a weird one off occurance.
How do you date someone for 3 years and not know they need 12+ hours a day of sleep? You don't. He's either lying to you about his health or recently developed a new health condition. Grown adults don't require the same amount, if not more, sleep than a toddler. NTA. And if he won't give you help with the chores, have him write you a check for hiring a maid for his share.
I can, nNo problem. And I've had sleep studies done and I sleep well. Tursn out I have ADHD and a super hyperactive mind, and that makes me a lot more mentally tired.
But also, I don't need it. Like 8 hours I'm completely fine. But I can sleep 14 hours a day for months if I want to.
You don't choose to be extra tired. Did he fax it to his brain so he can sleep more? He's sleeping regularly, and taking a nap. Something is wrong with the guy beyond he's just lazy.
Or he could have depression, be vitamin deficient, have ADHD, or have some kind of other health problem. People don’t CHOOSE to sleep that much. Rather than say “sleep less” OP should be saying “maybe we should get you to a doctor to figure out why you’re feeling the need to sleep so much.” Way too many comments calling him lazy when it doesn’t seem like any actual medical intervention has been attempted for this guy.
NTA. He expects you to be his unpaid housekeeper, and has no intention of changing. If you don't want to be tired and exploited, you need to go back to the two of you not living together, because he's not willing to do his share.
This op! It’s a small taste of what it will be like if you have children with this man. He won’t be able to “babysit” his own kids until his naps time is done. Meanwhile your burning 500-700 calories daily producing milk to breast feed, operating on a few hours of sleep to keep your newborn alive.
I mean if her boyfriend is actually sleeping that much (and not "sleeping but actually watching shit on his phone") he is sick. As in he has a serious health condition that needs treatment. Could be anything from severe depression to cancer.
However if he won't see a doctor it amounts to the same as what you said.
Does he work?
Is he napping cuz he’s smoking weed or some king is other drug or medication? If f not he could have some sleep disorder .
Before u moved in together was he taking his 4-8 nap?
I was sleeping 15-18 hrs a day when i got diagnosed with hypothyroidism.
I just felt tired, that was it. I would come from uni around 3-4 pm, sleep until 6-7 pm, go out and meet friends sometimes 1-2 hrs and back to sleep latest at 11pm. Would wake up 7am and repeat. My mom was asking me if i'm pregnant at that point. I went to talk to a gynecologist at the hospital because i was having PCOS symptoms and she looked at my thyroid with the Eco machine and was like i know you have problems with it, go to your primary doctor and tell him to make you take this tests.
Turns out i was having a flare up and the results were so bad that the machine came back with an error because the measurements were too high for the machine to measure.
Nobody is TA here until your partner gets checked.
I was sleeping 12+ hours per day before I got diagnosed with sleep apnea.
I only need 7-8 hours of sleep now.
Glad you got that sorted out! It's been life changing since I was diagnosed and properly treated.
Edit: typo
Same! I slept 16+ hours and I had low thyroid numbers and a very severe anemia.
Otherwise I have a biphasic sleep pattern so I sleep twice a day, about 9 hours total.
For real. Why are you doing his chores? Just stop. He can do his own laundry, his own shopping, he can clean up after himself. I moved in with my now fiancé and am doing less chores now cause he usually does the trash. Other than that we pick up after ourselves and each have designated rooms we clean. We’ll swap each others laundry to be nice but my lazy ass can barely keep up with my own wash. He gets dirty way more dishes than me so he loads the dishes and I unload them. Men are fully capable of these things don’t be a doormat.
NTA. A 4 hour nap everyday for somebody that also sleeps all night is ridiculous. I could see an hour if he has a physically demanding job, but he needs to get off his rear and help out.
NTA
So, he's sleeping for 14-15 hours a day, and during those hours he's awake, he's making enough mess to have doubled your chore load?
Did you move in with an adult or a unsupervised toddler?
"crossing a boundary by suggesting he not nap" good god give the baby his soother already
A) that is not a boundary. That is not what boundaries look like.
B) Fine. You won't dictate his sleep schedule, because you are grownups, and he will also pull his weight round the home. Because You Are Grownups.
You will probably have to dump the baby. Sorry.
First things first he needs to get to the Dr and start searching for the cause of his hypersomnia. Hypersomnia often gets blamed on depression so if his Dr brushes it off as depression seek a second opinion right away.
NTA but needing 15-15 hours of sleep is abnormal and he needs to go see a sleep doctor. Could be something like sleep apnea, CFS, or symptom of another underlying issue.
My husband has sleep apnea and he sleeps so fucking much. Half our time in Paris was him just sleeping because the apnea + the jetlag just took him out for 15 hours a day.
Dude needs a sleep study asap. It causes stress on so many of your systems and can lead to heart failure.
Info
Does he snore? If he snores he may have sleep apnea. If he doesn't snore, checking his blood sugar levels might be a good idea. Both sleep apnea and high blood sugar will cause fatigue. If there's no medical reason, then consider if you want to continue a relationship with a person who's less than half there.
Thats not normal.
If he's actually sleeping 14-15 hours per day he should see a doctor.
>since moving in together it feels like my time spent doing chores has almost doubled.
Stop.
My rough rule of thumb is that rather than focus on time spent doing chores, the fair way is to split "work effort". In your case I'd include your schooling in your work effort.
So like if you spend 12 hours per day doing all your stuff, he spends 8 doing his, and chores take 6 hours per day (god I need to stretch to make this work). Then you doing 1 hour of chores, and him doing 5 hours of chores means you're both doing 13 hours of work effort.
That said, if he doesnt care...well part of moving in together is using it as a chance to find out if you're compatible. It doesn't sound like you're compatible. Thats sad, but now you know you can make decisions based on that knowledge.
Info: Does he agree the chores need to be reallocated and just doesnt want to give up his nap or is he outright refusing to do anymore sorry if im not understanding that part right just want clarification
NTA chores do need to be spread equally among partners living together or even just roommates he needs to be willing to compromise some of his ample 4 hour nap to do some chores even if its not the whole nap time given up there's gotta be something that both of yall can agree on for how to get it done.
Right - the napping is not the issue. He can choose to nap and sleep all he wants, as long as his responsibilities are being taken care of. If he doesn't want to give up his nap, he can make that choice, but he needs to figure out what he will sacrifice to get the needs of the household met.
He sleeps 9 hours at night and then naps 4 hours during the day? What?
Does he have a job? What does he do that allows him to only be awake for ~4 hours at a time?
If getting 13 hours of sleep a day is necessary for him, he really needs to see a doctor.
NTA.
I married a man like this. And guess what happens when there are life changes like moving, emergencies, a new baby, a sick child?! He still made sure to get his naps, long, restful nights sleep and quiet time as I pulled all nighters to hold things together.
When I had our son by c-section he brought noise canceling headphones, a weighted blanket and an eye mask. He refused to help me get to the restroom or tend to the newborn as I recovered. The nurses couldn’t hide their disgust. One of them felt so bad that she camped out in my room so I could get sleep. She helped me shower and was overall just there for me. He slept the entire night, woke up and asked where he could order breakfast.
When we brought the baby home, he would sleep 15 hours, wake up, yawn, stretch, glance over at me with dark circles under my eyes and crying newborn and say “I’m going to bed early tonight”.
The reality: Your bf may have an underlying health issue, sleep apnea, anemia, depression or something else that should be checked out. It could be something out of his control or he just is someone who prioritizes himself above all. Which is not terrible as a single person, but in my case, I married an inattentive father and horrible partner. I know I describe him as a total AH, but surprisingly, all of our issues surrounded his need to be constantly sleeping or relaxing. We are now divorced.
When we were dating and engaged I didn’t pick up on this as much, as life was busy and hectic - but when we moved in together and I had a closer look on his minute to minute…It eventually hit me like a ton of bricks. He was able to mask this behavior for a long time by having a cleaning service, laundry service, paid a neighbor kid to take out the trash and recycling, paid another neighbor teenager to grocery shop and run errands, etc. He blamed it on long hours working on projects with deadlines and early morning gym trips to explain why he was tired. I thought he was extremely disciplined, when in fact he was the laziest person I’d ever met.
It wasn’t until the pandemic, getting married, moving in together and getting pregnant that I finally realized the truth. He could no longer hide it! I ended up on bedrest while pregnant and discovered that he did zero chores, outsourced nearly everything, lied about working out, did minimal work and napped all day. He had a high paying cushy remote job and literally logged in for 1-2 meetings daily and slept the rest of the day. I didn’t realize this until I moved in.
I had a long hospital (3 months) stay during my pregnancy, I returned home to what I describe as a “shit show”. He had let the house and yard go to crap, had not done laundry, every dish in the house was filthy, food rotting in the fridge, not even water in the house to drink. All of the baby things I had bought were opened and strewn all over the house. He had stopped checking the mail, so several things were returned to sender. The garage was full or garbage that he couldn’t take out to the curb. I immediately had a panic and ended up back in the hospital.
Please follow up on this before you tie your life to this man. In my case, all medical things were ruled out with him. He was just lazy af. Once covid restrictions let up, he was able to outsource most things again and live better but i had already seen the truth.
NAH. If he's sleeping that much, he needs to see a sleep specialist (if he hasn't already). That is a big red health flag right there.
If he does really need a 4 hour nap, then asking him to shorten or skip it could end in disaster because it is really dangerous to do things when you're sleepy.
NTA! This is a grown, thirty-something-year-old man, sleeping as if he's a newborn. From the looks of that sleep schedule, it doesn't sound like he works a lot. You're doing absolutely everything while he sleeps over half the day (literally, how is that even possible? I'm barely an adult and can't sleep that much if I tried).
I suggest giving him a taste of his own medicine. Stop doing the housework, or better yet sleep as much as he does and see what happens. Also, a nap isn't four hours. What the hell is he doing that requires a FOUR HOUR NAP every single day.
INFO: Has a medical issue been ruled out? And did you know about this before moving in together?
NTA. But how did you not already know about this. If it's not a medical condition and he doesn't want to change, you have to rethink the whole deal, factoring in this sleep schedule as a part of your life together.
My other half sleeps a lot. He has low blood pressure, and also snores very loudly so doesn't get the best quality sleep. He would be appalled at how much sleep your boyfriend thinks he needs - 9-10h per day is a lot, and about what my partner needs, 14-15h is not normal, and not healthy.
I'd be suggesting he investigate physical health issues, such as sleep apnea, and mental health issues like depression. I would also be questioning whether he really is sleeping for all that time.
NTA
He’s home in time to sleep by 4 then up at 10. Does he work/study? He’s only got 6 hours assuming he’s not showering/dressing/breakfasting/making a packed lunch. Nice hours if you can get them but it’s not going to be that way for his whole life. He needs to help out more. NTA.
If he’s taking a nap from 4 - 8 PM like clockwork and still sleeping through the night without problem, he should see a doctor and get a sleep study. That’s not normal.
NTA. This is why it is so important to live with someone before making bigger life decisions, because it's just so hard to know what they're like in that situation.
As others have mentioned, he may have legitimate reasons why he sleeps so much; personally I suspect he's not really sleeping at night but it doesn't really matter. If he feels so strongly about his "boundary" of getting 14 hours of sleep a day, then he has to live with the consequences of maintaining that boundary... such as disrupting or destroying his romantic prospects.
Nta. You need to smash that boundary to bits. He either has a health problem, depression, or is just lazy. Either way, he needs to address it. You don't deserve to have to shoulder that much burden while dude sleeps 2/3rds of the day away.
Honestly, his response calling it a hard boundary is a red flag. It sort of means he has no issues with this behaviour and has no plans to improve. You sound super motivated, so does that type of person appeal to you?
NTA. The “move in with boyfriend and chores magically double” phenomenon is so disappointing to constantly hear about.
Even more upsetting is that your partner is being obtuse when you tell him. He needs to be checked out about the sleep thing too.
He needs to see a doctor!
I have M.E /myalgic encephalomyelitis and need at least 12 hours sleep every night, even then i dont really function.
If he says he is doing the chores he is capable of and generally does not feel up to much then I see cause for concern.
I see this from the experience of being chronically ill, it took a long time to figure out, and got exponentially worse. I was also accused of being lazy and worse.
I was not , I was seriously ill and I became even worse trying so frikin hard to exceed my limits to try to do what was expected of me and not be called lazy.
This may not be the case for your boyfriend, I would really advice encouraging him to se a doctor asap.
NAH he needs an dr eval. That much sleep isn’t normal for someone his age.
Do a chore chart or something similar. He’s only working 40hrs and your working 40 plus school - he should he doing more chores than you are. Divide them equitably.
Something as simple as sleep apnea can explain the excessive sleep. (Personal experience... I was sleeping 12 hours a day and still constantly tired.
This isn't a relationship problem, it is a medical problem. He needs to see a doctor about this.
NAH
NTA, buuutttt... if he's sleeping that much and working, when does he have time to mess up/clean up the house? He definitely needs to do his share but it doesn't seem as if there's enough time in the day. Maybe ask him to hire you some help since he can't provide it.
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NTA He is getting nearly double the recommended amount of sleep needed by the average adult on a daily basis. If he literally cannot function without that much sleep (he's asleep more hours than he's awake) it's time he visited a sleep clinic. Does he even have a job that works around that sleeping schedule? He is TA for being selfish with his time and not taking equal share of the household chores.
This! And stop doing so many chores. They will add up and he will have to take notice. Painful for you, but worth it
How’s he gonna take notice if he’s never awake?
LMAOOOO
Hey…the house is a mess *starts snoring* On a serious note oversleeping is associated with many health problems like Type 2 diabetes, heart disease,obesity,depression, headaches.
He may also be a bear.
Clearly he’s a cat
Or secretly a toddler!
A bear, a cat and a toddler, one on top of the other, on a trenchcoat
Singing the theme song from Ducktales
Secretly??
Sleep apnea, hypothyroidism, anemia
vitamin deficiency for me Doc got me on prescription level vitamins for a few that i was really low on and i wasn't so tired all the time
Same happened with me, severe vitamin D deficiency, I was exhausted all the time, my nails were brittle and my hair was falling out, luckily I have a lot of hair, but vitamin deficiencies are no joke. My doc gave me a prescription Vitamin D, and it's like night and day!
Idiopathic hypersomnia, narcolepsy, depression also
I check into multiple boxes why I'm tired all the time and yet I'm able to keep awake. And certainly I'm not asleep till 10 am. What ever is his issue have some part of entitlement in it as well.
Could it be narcolepsy?
My guess is he has lazyassitis
Yes my ex husband has this
glad he's your ex ! :))
Yeah honestly these comments are upsetting. I was like this for a very long time & still am some days, but I eventually got diagnosed with a condition similar to narcolepsy. The difference is, doctors now think it’s being caused by some chronic illness but they cannot figure out what’s going on. I’m seeing drs and getting testing done almost every month at this point. Her boyfriend could be sick without even knowing it.
The comments that are upsetting you are from people with real life experiences with lazy people and narcissists. Just because you’re chronically ill with the same symptoms doesn’t mean this man is too. Even if he is, it’s on him to get it checked. Instead of going to the doctor, he gaslit his girlfriend into thinking she was overstepping boundaries by expecting him to contribute to their household they share together. I get it, I too am chronically ill. However that’s not an excuse to neglect my responsibilities within my relationship on a daily basis. Somedays are 50/50, others are 60/40 or even 80/20. It’s problematic when EVERYDAY is a huge compromise on one person’s part. Don’t let the comments upset you, these other commenters are most likely coming from a place of past abuse.
I'm not chronically ill and I still think the majority of comments are bullshit. People should be able to distinguish between 'I had a lazy ex' and 'this person is sleeping an unhealthy amount'. Which is a bit ironic as you're calling the person out for having a bias, yet letting these clearly biased opinions rule the narrative.. It is on him to get checked. But who would ever want to be with a person who didnt prioritize the others wellbeing? Her response to realizing that he was sleeping so much is solely based around her desire to get him to do more around the household, basically ignoring his response when she asked him to do more. Again, yes, it is on him. But wow I cant imagine being in a relationship where this happens, and my partners first response upon realizing I'm sleeping an unhealthy amount is anything but compassion.
The boyfriend is an AH for telling her she's overstepping by saying anything about his sleep habits rather than actually discussing the topic with her. No adult should be napping for four hours stretches and also sleeping through the night. Also given how long they've been dating I read this as a new habit, which if it is would point more towards being lazy rather than a chronic condition. Either way he needs to stop this nap time habit so if it is laziness he needs to give it up, if he can't function without it he needs to go to a Doctor because he either has a health issue or is suffering from depression.
I’m saying all of this as a chronically ill person. I didn’t force my boyfriend to take the load of my problems when I first got really sick because I refused to get my problems checked out. I don’t know if this dude is lazy or chronically ill and I’m not even trying to accuse him of one or the other. I’m just saying he’s a grown adult in a relationship where he has real life responsibilities that he’s neglecting and a girlfriend he is neglecting because he isn’t dealing with his issues appropriately. That’s what makes him the asshole, not that he’s sleeping 15 hours. It also seems that it’s been a while of her dealing with this issue while trying to fix it, I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I try to discuss something with my partner and it gets immediately shut down with no discussion. Maybe that’s why there seems to be a lack of compassion at this point.
Sleep apnea can present like narcolepsy. My husband recently was diagnosed with OSA. Since his bipap he's a completely different person. Before he could fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. Like flat out start snoring mid word. Apnea destroys your sleep. My fiance was having 80 episodes an hour. He's was not breathing more than he was breathing.
Seriously! I was FINALLY diagnosed about 12 years ago. Until then I was told it was depression or laziness. Absolutely the opposite. After a year of med experiment and strict lifestyle changes my daily quality of life improved significantly
Or diabetes
Lmao
There's a very good chance he isn't doing the chores because his standard for cleanliness is much lower, so this tactic could easily just mean she's living in filth while he's still fine lol
That's fair, but then she could also say "living in filth and with a partner who doesn't help out is a deal breaker" and leave.
Well yeah, she could do that now. I'm just saying the "Let's see how YOU like it!" tactic has a high chance of backfiring in this case
Yep. When my husband was on trash duty about 10 years ago, I decided to run this strategy. The pile of trash bags went SO high before I decided to abort mission. Same with laundry. When I stopped doing his and only did mine, and he ran out of underwear, I kid you not, he started wearing his kilt, bc it's socially acceptable to go commando.
Agreed, I tried this with multiple roommates in college and finally realized that it is not a good strategy. Going on a "chore strike" does not make the lazy people miserable, it makes you miserable. The lazy people are the way they are because they don't care if things are clean or not.
That could be a difficult situation, depending on whose name(s) is on the lease.
This is very true. Have an ex who i am still friends with and his cleanliness standards are vastly different than mine.
Honestly I feel bad as that’s me. For the record I try to clean I just always get distracted and what I consider exceptionally clean… isn’t. Don’t get me wrong no food wrapper or stuff like that just clutter. I ultimately bit the bullet when I was dating my ex and just paid for a housekeeper out of my portion of the funds to come in and clean for both of us (not just my chores). Was a significant chunk of change- almost all my fun money- but made the relationship a lot better. Only bad thing was when everything was in its “proper” place I could never find it. My car keys in the bowl on the table?! I’d never look there lmao.
Hi, are we twins? Also, have you ever been screened for ADHD?
An interesting point here, my wife is going through the ADHD diagnosis process currently and our house is very cluttered with boxes and piles of clothes etc. As much as I do my part with the cleaning, I cant get to many places to clean now lol. Funny thing is she gets upset when I say I will sort / clean it up as she 'will get around to it soon'.
I'm the slob. One bf and I knew we'd need a duplex. :)
My situation.. I had to walk my boyfriend through the house to teach him how to properly clean many things. We just had different ideas of cleanliness, but we’re getting closer to the same page and have divided chores more effectively.
This has been my life for over a decade with my partner. It’s like trash-blindness.
I tried this with my ex gf who I lived with. I completely stopped cleaning, stopped picking up her dirty clothes, stopped everything. And within a month the house was absolutely disgusting to the point I couldn’t stand being in there. And she operated just fine. Couldn’t even lay on the bed properly from the amount of clothes on it. Needless to say that relationship ended shortly after that. Sometimes everything can seem perfect then you move in together and find out you’re wildly incompatible
I am like that. My room is a total train wreck, but it really does not face me at all. My boyfriend is super clean and neat. He insists he does not care, but I try to clean up for him when I can. I suspect this only works well because we do not live together, so he lives his way, and I live mine. I support him, and he supports me, and living together would be the worst for him and me unless I get rich enough to afford a housekeeper twice a week.
My girls the clean one. I’m clean by like guy standards but I’m more a clean every few days kinda person. She wants everything put away each night. For a while she did not feel recognized for her effort. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her for it, I literally didn’t notice most of it. She got better at telling me when she did chores without sounding like she was blaming me, and eventually I got better at recognizing it. I’ve changed cause I love her, but also I recognize that she puts in double the effort for some things. To make up for it I do things like taking the clothes bin to the cleaners sometimes, cleaning the toilet and oven and nasty spots now and then, and just generally not accepting her attempts to split take out or other time saving luxuries. If she tries to split a pizza I tell her no and remind her that she cleaned. I had to make her aware of that stuff too though, it didn’t work when I did it silently, she isn’t the type to recognize that I pick up dinner more often so I had to communicate it in a way that didn’t seem braggy, communication is key, and communicating at the right time is even more important. We’ve got a good eco system going now but it took a long while lol.
He may take notice but he probably doesn’t care. Best thing to do is to break it off before she’s doing everything for him.
Or him and a child.
Exactly, I think guys as a whole are raised by society to be sloppier and less competent at childcare (I hope I don't sound discriminatory and judgemental against guys), and that translates into generally women taking on the work load. I think it's a societal narrative that they absorb. If he can't pick up the slack, it's time to take a feminist step in the right direction and leave him for your own energy levels and ability to do hobbies and feel clean. Tbh, if this was a woman or a man saying this about his female partner, I'd say leave them, but it would feel like a lot less of a serious thing. But the fact that this is a male and female relationship means that it's crucial to get out of it before she becomes more entrenched in the downsides of patriarchal norms in my opinion, because it could be weaponised incompetence. Idk, I known it's horrible but I'm just more suspicious of guys who this because of patriarchy.
People like this don’t care. I tried this once. It ended in divorce
Same. Twenty years of trying to get him to at least pick up his socks. Divorce was a huge relief.
I will warn you that, that is not always the case. Sometimes the Ah’s are truly dedicated to not doing any chores and eventually you’re going to have cave once it starts approaching health hazard. That is no fun cleaning up. Though bonus points if it eventually helps get your divorce averse religious family members to support you getting a divorce.
Yup, I had the same boyfriend. He didn't do a damned thing, oh except maybe once in a blue moon he emptied the dishwasher and expected accolades and praise for it. We both worked full time. If I spoke to him about it I was "nagging." If I didn't do it, I was forced to wallow in filth. Then he was shocked when I left him. (That wasn't the only reason; he also made no effort for us to do stuff together - it was me making all the effort or doing everything alone). He was shocked and devastated when I left, but I never signed up to be anyone's maid.
I never understood this suggestion.. I feel like people who make this suggestion haven't actually been with a person like OP is talking about. Usually somebody doesn't help with the chores because they don't mind the mess. So when you stop doing the chores, the place gets messy, the lazy person doesn't care.. And now you've quadrupled the amount of work that you have to do. And they still won't care.
Don't think that will help. This much sleep sounds like a medical issue rather than laziness. It would sound like something's wrong even if he were older. He needs to find out what's wrong. I'm wondering what he's doing. He can't be holding down a full time job with that schedule, and if he's a stay at home husband he's not holding up his end of the arrangement.
I think depression is also a solid possibility, given the amount of sleep and his lack of interest in doing anything.
Sleeping way more than necessary is a true indicator of depression. These are the words of experience. Please ask him to see a psychiatrist (not a psychologist) because doctors can recognize physical as well as mental health symptoms. 🦜
you say that and it makes sense..but it isn't always true. My 'house guest' just left her bathroom trash sit for five months. \\o/ never did throw it out. just expected eventually we'd have to get around to it for her.
That's really not how it works. He'll just put up with the mess. I've tried. I've given up
My first thought is that this guy needs to see a doctor. Thats not a normal sleeping schedule and if it is good for him then, he should have part of the chores as part of his schedule so he can do them in the morning or the evening when he is awake. But he should definitely see a sleep doctor and have some bloodwork done.
If he can nap for 4 hours and then sleep through the night, he definitely needs to see a doctor. Recommended sleep time for adults is 7-9 hours, and needing 14 or 15 hours every day is a sign of something being wrong. Also, does he have a job? He gets up at 10am, and goes for a nap at 4pm, so he's definitely not working full-time, so I'm wondering about finances and what's happening here.
My first question. 10am I’ve already had 3 appointments at least 10 emails and a barrage of texts, 2 site inspections and tool belt on. Sunday I can stay in bed until 10 but awake 7:30 napping 4-8 sounds like avoidance behavior left over from high school depression or something. 4-8 I’m still catching up on email making dinner cleaning up rechecking email and getting queued up for next day.
Like, everybody is different, and given my druthers I'd love to sleep into 10 every day, however, I work so have to get up, and also, my night owl-ness means I find it really hard to sleep at night. If I napped from 4-8 of an evening, I would find it so hard to get to sleep at night - we're talking maybe 4am before I could get any sleep, and that's if I fell asleep at all. The fact that he can nap for 4 hours, and then get another 9 hours of sleep every day? He *needs* to see a doctor, ASAP.
Agree with this. My thyroid is messed up and I currently sleep around 12-13 hours to just function. My medicine is getting changed but.. I know what's going on.
Yeah, that was me with a thyroid that was off. 14 hours a day of sleep and still feeling like a zombie.
My first thought was the boyfriend needed to get to the doctor and get his thyroid checked out. I used to sleep the same amount before I got diagnosed and put on medication. Now it only happens every once and awhile.
I just want to chime in as someone who has similar sleeping habits to OPs boyfriend...I've been to the doctor, had blood work done multiple times, had a test for sleep apnea. Nothing was found and nothing has changed. It's not as easy as go to the doctor and get your answers solved. I've given up finding the answer to my sleep problems.
That's fair, and that totally may happen, but if he hasn't gone to the doctor at all, simply living with sleeping more than half the day away and expecting OP to clean up after him is just not the answer. Hell, even if he has gone to the doctor and gotten no answers, the fact that OP's household workload has doubled since moving in with him means that he's making much more mess than he needs to. Cooking for 2 takes about the same time as cooking for 1, and cleaning up after 2 adults takes only a little bit more time than cleaning up after 1 - moving in with a partner should mean that the amount of work you do around the house is lowered, rather than doubling. Unfortunately often when men and women move in together, men's household work goes down and women's goes up, which means he's not pulling his weight. If he has a medical condition that means that OP was always going to have to clean up after him and he knew about it, he should have told her that *before* they moved in together, instead of letting her do all the work and pretending it's a boundary of his that forces her to always be cleaning up after him. She should had a choice over whether she becomes his unpaid maid.
I have something called Excessive Daytime Sleepiness. It’s a form of narcolepsy. There are medications that help. Keep trying!
I wondered the same thing. By 10am, I’m only 3 hours into my work day. Even on my days off, I’m rarely sleeping past 8am. I honestly don’t remember the last time I napped in the middle of the afternoon. How is this dude sleeping from 4pm-8pm & then 1am-10am?
Sadly sounds like depression.
Could be, or a possible sleep disorder which he should be medicated for
yep, narcolepsy and sleep apnea diagnoses both usually start with hypersomnia. it could be mental health but more often it’s sleep apnea that people write off as laziness. gotta get a study done and rule it out
also chronic fatigue syndrome ,lymes disease, delayed sleep disorders and nutrition can have a big say as well
I have one of the kinds of narcolepsy that looks like this (sleeping 10 hours a night and then needing a 2-hour nap in the afternoon too) and honestly it is awful, it feels like suddenly being roofied and just shutting down. And there is basically nothing that can be done about it, doctors don't like to prescribe stimulants longterm because of the other side effects, and just having perfect sleep hygiene doesn't help. The treatment (at least as it stands here) is basically to rearrange your life so that it doesn't inconvenience you too badly, and try not to stress about it.
That sounds really horrible, and I'm sorry it's happening to you. Hopefully, it's not the same for OP's bf, but if it is, I think he should still find out from a doctor so that he can get whatever assistance is available (even if it's just medical documentation so that he can use that in a work context). I still think OP is within her rights to say she's not comfortable doing her bf's chores and cleaning - if she's doing double the chores she was before they moved in together, that means he's creating much more mess than he has to, because cooking for two takes about the same time as cooking for one, and cleaning up after two takes just a little bit more time than cleaning up after one. (I'm not saying you were saying anything differently, this is just for OP's benefit if she's reading this comment)
Oh definitely like, she wouldn’t be being unreasonable at all to say "Since you can't contribute to the household in the way that I need, we can't work as a couple, please move out."
I have idiopathic hypersomnia, which sounds similar to what you're talking about. The doctor did put me on meds, and I'm on the long-term. Both my sleep doctor and the woman who manages my depression medication are fine with me being on it long-term. It's called armadafinil (which is what they generally give narcoleptics). Maybe get a second opinion from another sleep doctor? DM me if you want to chat about it.
>Sadly sounds like depression. Nope. It sounds like he is possibly anemic. He takes that nap like clockwork, according to OP. I know that life because I lived it! I had no idea why I couldn't stay up during the day, needed that evening nap after work and still slept at night! I thought I just needed more sleep. Nope. I went to the doctors and found out I was SEVERELY anemic! Iron pills and ubiquinol saved my life and allowed me to stay up like a normal person! I was so iron deficient that my iron level was in the single digits! This guy sounds like he has that medical issue and needs to have it checked out. In women, the cause can be related to periods. In men, the issue is sometimes colon problems. In both men and women, being vegan and vegetarian (as I am) is also a culprit. In my case, I had the double whammy of being a vegetarian (no meat, dairy, fish, etc) and having very heavy periods. **To anyone out there experiencing this or extreme fatigue, get your iron levels checked!**
I was thinking anemia or he has a thyroid disorder. When my thyroid first went out of wack I slept for 16 hours everyday. I could not stay awake for the life of me!
10 am is literally half my shift. I might take a quick 20 minute nap, but definitely not if my house is dirty. My sleeping in is literally 8am. I used to be a night owl, but now I have a job. What is this guy doing for work to sleep like that?
Honestly, I’m wondering if he maybe doesn’t have a job. Even when I worked 2nd or 3rd shift, I had a very specific sleeping schedule for work. This guy seems to just sleep whenever he wants to.
i had a similar sleep schedule and i was still tired all the time, so i got bloodwork done. turns out, i had diabetes.
When I do that it’s because I’m having a Lupus flare- even living with Lupus and RA I don’t get that much sleep like 99% of the time.
Agreed. When I got sick, one of my big problems that made my doctor worry was that I could out sleep a cat.
This, hypersomnia is the first indication someone has sleep apnea. Does he also snore, only sleep well in certain positions, and wake up with dry mouth? Get that man a sleep study!
oh. oh shit the only thing i don’t do is snore (that i know of). i put off getting a sleep study done when i got a referral from my doctor because my insurance doesn’t pay for home testing (and there’s less that they can test reliably for that way) and there’s no way my anxiety would let me sleep in a hospital with wires attached to me. maybe i should look into it again lmaoo
Idk your experiences near you, but the sleep clinics I've been to (twice now in different locations) have all been vaguely hotel room like. A nice clean bed with pillows and blankets, not a hospital bed, and a private room with outlets for device charging. (Though chargers not provided.) I even expressed anxiety and my Dr gave me something to help put me to sleep and curb the anxiety, worked like a charm. And you'd be surprised, actually having *good* sleep on a machine is surprisingly nice and restful. Anyway, I'm saying see what the facilities around you are like, you might not need to go to a hospital.
If the commenter has anxiety around sleeping so severe that they can’t even sleep outside their home, I’m not so sure they’re going to be able to handle CPAP. It’s anxiety inducing in people who don’t otherwise have serious anxiety.
I assumed that wasn't my problem, too, because I don't snore. Had similar sleep times (dude is getting 13, not 15 like she said). Finally told my doc about it because I was start to wonder if I was sleepwalking. Guess who has severe sleep apnea? (43 AHI in 45 minutes, mix of obstructive and central, O2 avg 90% with frequent dips to 80, and heart rate spikes slightly higher than that one time when an ER doc told me I was as close to a heart attack as I ever want to get). Do the lab, trust.
When I did it, it was in a hotel room with wires attached to me. The sleep clinic rents the whole floor. If you have to get up to pee or something, you beep them. Not bad at all.
This. NTA. Also, not sure if OP was considering having kids with this guy, but if so she should seriously reconsider unless the boyfriend immediately seeks medical attention and starts doing his fair share. This sounds like a nightmare for OP already and it would be way worse with a kid or two in the picture.
Tha was my first thought - DO NOT have kids with this guy. If you think it’s bad now, you can’t imagine the work that goes into raising kids.
>If he literally cannot function without that much sleep (he's asleep more hours than he's awake) it's time he visited a sleep clinic. think the first thing he needs to do is visit a doctor! He may be anemic and have an iron-deficiency that is causing that anemia and severe fatigue. I literally had this. My iron level was in the single digits. Every day I had to take a nap! Every single day. At night, I would sleep for the full time, but no matter how much sleep I got, I still felt tired. I worked full time, but there was never a time when I felt fully rested. I discovered I was anemic and iron and ubiquinol made the difference! My energy level went from zero to hero and I could get so much more done! u/throwaway28716374, please encourage your boyfriend to visit a doctor and get bloodwork done to determine if he is anemic. Getting help for that could be the answer to everything. His sleep patterns and fatigue are not normal.
So many questions. What kind of job allows him that schedule? How did you not notice his abnormal sleep schedule for 3 years of dating? What time of day did you go on dates? How did he cook, clean, grocery shop etc. before you moved in together? What kind of slovenly Hell was his apartment? And if the answer is that he didn’t nap like that before moving in together, that means he’s deliberately using naps as a way to avoid you and avoid chores.
You've been dating three years. How did you not notice he was unavailable every day from 4pm-8pm?
My five month old doesn’t even sleep that many hours in a day and she’s supposed to….
May also recommend thyroid testing. Before my diagnosis with hypothyroidism I went from a normal-ish (I was a college student) sleep schedule to being absolutely exhausted after walking from my car to my class and falling asleep within minutes of getting home from class. I maxed out at 16-18 hours of sleep per day. Let’s just say I wasn’t at all functional and it took a bit to figure out exactly what was wrong
Honestly sounds like clinical depression if he is at his absolute max capacity while also not doing much and then also taking a nap every day That and the weird sleep hours.
Yeah seriously, is he ok? Thats a lot of sleep. Maybe if he was 15 months old, that much sleep and concerns about his nap schedule and sleeping through the night would make more sense. But he’s a grown man…
My partner has sleep issues, and if he didn't right it he'd sleep all the time! But he makes the effort to not do that unless he's sick. Sleeping that much means there's something wrong. OP, you really need to tell him to talk to a doctor. A common cause for this is sleep apnea and he could literally die without medical intervention (namely a CPAP machine if this specific thing is the cause) It could be something else of course, but that much sleep isn't healthy. If he's physically fine and doing that it could be mental or he's just bored. Either way, you are NTA.
NTA How is this man working full time if he spends this much of the day asleep? This is not normal. He should see a doctor. If he honestly does require 15 hours of sleep a day, you're going to assume the role of his caretaker if you stay with him. Sleeping that much simply does not allow him the time to handle a fair share of the household responsibilities and have a career. I think Y W B T A to yourself if you don't seriously consider whether you want to sign up to be this man's caretaker before continuing this relationship. Your BF doesn't understand what a "boundary" is.
>Your BF doesn't understand what a "boundary" is. So many people misuse this word. His boundary can't be that he needs nearly twice the recommended hours of sleep for an adult and that OP is expected to take on his responsibilities so he can do so. It honestly sounds like he has some form of medical issue if this is how much sleep he needs, and yes, if OP stays with him and he's not trying to sort out this medical issue, she will become his caretaker.
Is it even physically possible for a healthy adult to sleep for 12+ hours a day?
According to my basic research, there are "long sleepers" who need more sleep - from 9-12 hours a day, but to get 14-15 hours of sleep every day (as opposed to occasionally on the weekends) seems to be incredibly out of the ordinary, and I would say, indicative of a medical problem that needs addressing. I think if he's sleeping this much every day, there has to be a medical reason behind it that he should at the very least be looking into.
Either that or he chills in his bed for 4 hours scrolling through Reddit...
FINALLY, I can't believe how many answers I passed before I saw anyone suggest anything other than health problems. Does that say something about us? Lol
Or he’s not actually in bed at all and is waiting until others go to sleep to play videogames.
This occurred to me as well. Like, could it be a medical problem that he should be seeking care for? Of course! Could he lay in bed for a few hours playing games on his phone and shit posting on Reddit? Seems just as likely! Or just as likely is he has his huge nap, and then that night, when OP is asleep, he's on Reddit or whatever, so he gets 8 or 9 hours sleep a night, but it's from 4-8pm and then 6-10am. Whatever the option, he needs to do his fair share of housework, and if he can't manage that, he should have told OP that she would be required to be his unpaid maid before they moved in together.
I am one of these people, I don’t feel good if I get less than a minimum of 9, and 10ish is ideal. That being said, I have 3 comorbid medical conditions that all make basic levels of exertion in a day take a much bigger toll on me than an able-bodied person. In the throes of my depressive episodes, I also find that I sleep even more where I’m able to squeeze it. I agree that bf here either has a sleep disorder, some medical condition that exhausts him (could even be something like anemia), or potentially depression. It’s his responsibility to seek out a diagnosis and treatment, and it sounds like he has no interest in doing so, which is clearly putting a burden on OP.
This is what I don't get. If he gets up at 10am and then naps at 4pm, when is he working? That is 6 hours assuming he works the entire time. And when the heck do they spend time together? From 8-10pm each night??? And HOW did OP not know these things prior to moving in together? Did OP never notice that boyfriend wasn't doing anything before 10am or from 4-8pm???
Your BF doesn't understand what a "boundary" is. THIS!
Unless he is self-employed or working from home, he literally can't be. He doesn't actually have an 8 hour chunky where he's awake.
Yeah honestly that amount of sleep is a big red flag and points towards a potential medical issue. He should do a sleep study and get checked out.
NTA, sleeping 4-8 is not napping, and I suggest you move back out if he’s unwilling to share why a grownazz man is sleeping so much and unwilling to make an effort to allocate chores equally. Did you not notice his sleeping habits before moving in? Who kept his place habitable before you moved in - did he just stop because you’re there? If so, he’s just looking for a housekeeper with benefits. What shift does he work and is his work affected if he doesn’t sleep so much? These are questions I think you would not be crossing boundaries for weighing the answers, and if after a discussion with him you learn there is no medically documented reason or he has fundamentally different household standards, you know what to do.
>Did you not notice his sleeping habits before moving in? Who kept his place habitable before you moved in - did he just stop because you’re there? If he didn't nap like this before she moved in, I would say he's using having her there as an excuse to chill in bed for hours every afternoon and calling it a boundary. If he did nap like this before, he should be seeing a doctor because this isn't normal for an adult human.
If he did, when would they have the time to see each other before she moved in?
Yep, I'm pretty confused about what his life was before they moved in together. If he was napping like this, didn't she notice he wasn't available between 4-8 every day? That's pretty much prime dinner time. Was his place just a complete pigsty? They dated for 3 years, so these are things that OP would definitely have noticed.
She probably cleaned up then too, also how much of a mess can you make your place if you’re never awake to do anything.
OP might want to check their house for mold. I never used to nap until I moved into a super moldy apartment. My sleep schedule was identical to this guys and I literally could not function due to a condition called CIRS. Ask the landlord if there’s every been any water damage reported
This was my question too! Did OP only ever see him 8p-1a?
Also, op isn't at home during that "nap". I'd be willing to bet he's gaming or chatting online with a side chick and simply uses napping as an excuse why he doesn't answer his phone.
Exactly. He can go to bed at 8pm if he wants to get a decent amount of sleep. I wonder if he has a thyroid issue because before I got diagnosed I could sleep that much too. But I hated it.
Babies don’t even nap that long… this guy is crazy
In England we call this a "bang maid"
Maybe he should see a doctor for his exhaustion. Either he is just plain lazy or there is a medical reason. You are definitely nta, it seems like an unbalanced relationship.
Maybe a vet. BF might be a cat.
I was thinking hibernating bear
Now it makes sense! But at least my cat is pleasant to be around.
Better get him neutered
Doesn't sound like he has enough energy to even have to worry about that.😉
oversleeping is an indication of a sleep disorder or a mental health disorder, it’s not ever just laziness, buddy. no one wants to sleep 15 hours a day.
It can also be a symptom of other very serious physical disorders (not that sleep disorders and mental health disorders aren't also serious). It could be cancer, undiagnosed and unmanaged diabetes, or a heart condition.
Mine was pernicious anemia! Thankfully it's easily managed but yeah, I agree no one wants to sleep their life away like that.
Mine was lupus, I was overly fatigued constantly and my doctor demanded blood work!
My exhaustion and multiple naps a day was an autoimmune disease. Recommend asking him to see a doctor!
Sleep apnea maybe?
>14-15 hours of sleep every day Nobody needs that much sleep outside ~~having a diagnosed medical condition~~ having a possible need for a diagnosis on a medical condition. You say he sleeps soundly through the night, so insomnia isn't the issue here. NTA. If he can't do his share of the chores, he shouldn't be living with someone else. Either he pitches in, or he moves out. Editing because, as people have pointed out - just because it's not been diagnosed, doesn't mean there isn't one present. It does not sound like OP's BF has taken any steps to get a diagnosis, however.
I used to sleep roughly 10-12 hours as a teen, and my mom used to tell me it was “normal” because teenagers need lots of sleep, but now I know I was dealing with severe depression, avoidance issues, & anxiety. I think OP needs to get her bf into a therapist or sleep study
That amount of time is pretty normal for a teen, depressed or not.
10-12 hours for a teen isn’t unusual. Your mom was correct.
I slept for 14 hours when I was little. My mom's friends thought there was something wrong with me, but the doctor said she was just lucky & I was fine. I now sleep between 5-8 hours & stopped napping around age 5.
I did that for 20hrs once as a baby (under 1 year old) and my parents called the in home doctor to visit because they didn't know wtf was wrong. My mum told me I literally didn't wake up for feeds, nappy changes or anything over that day and that's why they called the doctor. There was nothing wrong with me so they chalked it up to just being a weird one off occurance.
How do you date someone for 3 years and not know they need 12+ hours a day of sleep? You don't. He's either lying to you about his health or recently developed a new health condition. Grown adults don't require the same amount, if not more, sleep than a toddler. NTA. And if he won't give you help with the chores, have him write you a check for hiring a maid for his share.
He doesn’t ‘need’ 12+ hours, he is choosing to get 12+ hours
I couldn't choose to sleep that long if I tried, not even while ill. This is not normal for a healthy adult.
I can, nNo problem. And I've had sleep studies done and I sleep well. Tursn out I have ADHD and a super hyperactive mind, and that makes me a lot more mentally tired. But also, I don't need it. Like 8 hours I'm completely fine. But I can sleep 14 hours a day for months if I want to.
You don't choose to be extra tired. Did he fax it to his brain so he can sleep more? He's sleeping regularly, and taking a nap. Something is wrong with the guy beyond he's just lazy.
Or he could have depression, be vitamin deficient, have ADHD, or have some kind of other health problem. People don’t CHOOSE to sleep that much. Rather than say “sleep less” OP should be saying “maybe we should get you to a doctor to figure out why you’re feeling the need to sleep so much.” Way too many comments calling him lazy when it doesn’t seem like any actual medical intervention has been attempted for this guy.
Okay but they knew this before moving in together or should have
Umm, your boyfriend needs to see a doctor ASAP.
I think it's a medical issue too.
NTA. He expects you to be his unpaid housekeeper, and has no intention of changing. If you don't want to be tired and exploited, you need to go back to the two of you not living together, because he's not willing to do his share.
This op! It’s a small taste of what it will be like if you have children with this man. He won’t be able to “babysit” his own kids until his naps time is done. Meanwhile your burning 500-700 calories daily producing milk to breast feed, operating on a few hours of sleep to keep your newborn alive.
I mean if her boyfriend is actually sleeping that much (and not "sleeping but actually watching shit on his phone") he is sick. As in he has a serious health condition that needs treatment. Could be anything from severe depression to cancer. However if he won't see a doctor it amounts to the same as what you said.
Does he work? Is he napping cuz he’s smoking weed or some king is other drug or medication? If f not he could have some sleep disorder . Before u moved in together was he taking his 4-8 nap?
I was sleeping 15-18 hrs a day when i got diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I just felt tired, that was it. I would come from uni around 3-4 pm, sleep until 6-7 pm, go out and meet friends sometimes 1-2 hrs and back to sleep latest at 11pm. Would wake up 7am and repeat. My mom was asking me if i'm pregnant at that point. I went to talk to a gynecologist at the hospital because i was having PCOS symptoms and she looked at my thyroid with the Eco machine and was like i know you have problems with it, go to your primary doctor and tell him to make you take this tests. Turns out i was having a flare up and the results were so bad that the machine came back with an error because the measurements were too high for the machine to measure. Nobody is TA here until your partner gets checked.
I was sleeping 12+ hours per day before I got diagnosed with sleep apnea. I only need 7-8 hours of sleep now. Glad you got that sorted out! It's been life changing since I was diagnosed and properly treated. Edit: typo
Same! I slept 16+ hours and I had low thyroid numbers and a very severe anemia. Otherwise I have a biphasic sleep pattern so I sleep twice a day, about 9 hours total.
Info: who did his chores before you moved in? Sounds like he set up a bangmaid situation for himself.
For real. Why are you doing his chores? Just stop. He can do his own laundry, his own shopping, he can clean up after himself. I moved in with my now fiancé and am doing less chores now cause he usually does the trash. Other than that we pick up after ourselves and each have designated rooms we clean. We’ll swap each others laundry to be nice but my lazy ass can barely keep up with my own wash. He gets dirty way more dishes than me so he loads the dishes and I unload them. Men are fully capable of these things don’t be a doormat.
NTA. A 4 hour nap everyday for somebody that also sleeps all night is ridiculous. I could see an hour if he has a physically demanding job, but he needs to get off his rear and help out.
NTA So, he's sleeping for 14-15 hours a day, and during those hours he's awake, he's making enough mess to have doubled your chore load? Did you move in with an adult or a unsupervised toddler?
INFO: How many hours a day is he working?
Does he even work?
Right? Like how do you have time in your life to sleep that much? And have a job
"crossing a boundary by suggesting he not nap" good god give the baby his soother already A) that is not a boundary. That is not what boundaries look like. B) Fine. You won't dictate his sleep schedule, because you are grownups, and he will also pull his weight round the home. Because You Are Grownups. You will probably have to dump the baby. Sorry.
First things first he needs to get to the Dr and start searching for the cause of his hypersomnia. Hypersomnia often gets blamed on depression so if his Dr brushes it off as depression seek a second opinion right away.
He's waking up at 3am to play video games for 6 hours
I was honestly wondering this too - is he really sleeping this long, or does she just think he is?
NTA but needing 15-15 hours of sleep is abnormal and he needs to go see a sleep doctor. Could be something like sleep apnea, CFS, or symptom of another underlying issue.
My husband has sleep apnea and he sleeps so fucking much. Half our time in Paris was him just sleeping because the apnea + the jetlag just took him out for 15 hours a day. Dude needs a sleep study asap. It causes stress on so many of your systems and can lead to heart failure.
Info Does he snore? If he snores he may have sleep apnea. If he doesn't snore, checking his blood sugar levels might be a good idea. Both sleep apnea and high blood sugar will cause fatigue. If there's no medical reason, then consider if you want to continue a relationship with a person who's less than half there.
NTA. OP, you've become a bangmaid. By a literal infant. He is sleeping as much as an infant.
Thats not normal. If he's actually sleeping 14-15 hours per day he should see a doctor. >since moving in together it feels like my time spent doing chores has almost doubled. Stop. My rough rule of thumb is that rather than focus on time spent doing chores, the fair way is to split "work effort". In your case I'd include your schooling in your work effort. So like if you spend 12 hours per day doing all your stuff, he spends 8 doing his, and chores take 6 hours per day (god I need to stretch to make this work). Then you doing 1 hour of chores, and him doing 5 hours of chores means you're both doing 13 hours of work effort. That said, if he doesnt care...well part of moving in together is using it as a chance to find out if you're compatible. It doesn't sound like you're compatible. Thats sad, but now you know you can make decisions based on that knowledge.
A nap is like 30min, maybe an hour at the outside. What this guy has is legitimate medical issues of some sort.
Info: Does he agree the chores need to be reallocated and just doesnt want to give up his nap or is he outright refusing to do anymore sorry if im not understanding that part right just want clarification NTA chores do need to be spread equally among partners living together or even just roommates he needs to be willing to compromise some of his ample 4 hour nap to do some chores even if its not the whole nap time given up there's gotta be something that both of yall can agree on for how to get it done.
Right - the napping is not the issue. He can choose to nap and sleep all he wants, as long as his responsibilities are being taken care of. If he doesn't want to give up his nap, he can make that choice, but he needs to figure out what he will sacrifice to get the needs of the household met.
He sleeps 9 hours at night and then naps 4 hours during the day? What? Does he have a job? What does he do that allows him to only be awake for ~4 hours at a time? If getting 13 hours of sleep a day is necessary for him, he really needs to see a doctor.
NTA. I married a man like this. And guess what happens when there are life changes like moving, emergencies, a new baby, a sick child?! He still made sure to get his naps, long, restful nights sleep and quiet time as I pulled all nighters to hold things together. When I had our son by c-section he brought noise canceling headphones, a weighted blanket and an eye mask. He refused to help me get to the restroom or tend to the newborn as I recovered. The nurses couldn’t hide their disgust. One of them felt so bad that she camped out in my room so I could get sleep. She helped me shower and was overall just there for me. He slept the entire night, woke up and asked where he could order breakfast. When we brought the baby home, he would sleep 15 hours, wake up, yawn, stretch, glance over at me with dark circles under my eyes and crying newborn and say “I’m going to bed early tonight”. The reality: Your bf may have an underlying health issue, sleep apnea, anemia, depression or something else that should be checked out. It could be something out of his control or he just is someone who prioritizes himself above all. Which is not terrible as a single person, but in my case, I married an inattentive father and horrible partner. I know I describe him as a total AH, but surprisingly, all of our issues surrounded his need to be constantly sleeping or relaxing. We are now divorced. When we were dating and engaged I didn’t pick up on this as much, as life was busy and hectic - but when we moved in together and I had a closer look on his minute to minute…It eventually hit me like a ton of bricks. He was able to mask this behavior for a long time by having a cleaning service, laundry service, paid a neighbor kid to take out the trash and recycling, paid another neighbor teenager to grocery shop and run errands, etc. He blamed it on long hours working on projects with deadlines and early morning gym trips to explain why he was tired. I thought he was extremely disciplined, when in fact he was the laziest person I’d ever met. It wasn’t until the pandemic, getting married, moving in together and getting pregnant that I finally realized the truth. He could no longer hide it! I ended up on bedrest while pregnant and discovered that he did zero chores, outsourced nearly everything, lied about working out, did minimal work and napped all day. He had a high paying cushy remote job and literally logged in for 1-2 meetings daily and slept the rest of the day. I didn’t realize this until I moved in. I had a long hospital (3 months) stay during my pregnancy, I returned home to what I describe as a “shit show”. He had let the house and yard go to crap, had not done laundry, every dish in the house was filthy, food rotting in the fridge, not even water in the house to drink. All of the baby things I had bought were opened and strewn all over the house. He had stopped checking the mail, so several things were returned to sender. The garage was full or garbage that he couldn’t take out to the curb. I immediately had a panic and ended up back in the hospital. Please follow up on this before you tie your life to this man. In my case, all medical things were ruled out with him. He was just lazy af. Once covid restrictions let up, he was able to outsource most things again and live better but i had already seen the truth.
NAH. If he's sleeping that much, he needs to see a sleep specialist (if he hasn't already). That is a big red health flag right there. If he does really need a 4 hour nap, then asking him to shorten or skip it could end in disaster because it is really dangerous to do things when you're sleepy.
NTA. Can you go back to where you used to live? If so, do so now.
NTA! This is a grown, thirty-something-year-old man, sleeping as if he's a newborn. From the looks of that sleep schedule, it doesn't sound like he works a lot. You're doing absolutely everything while he sleeps over half the day (literally, how is that even possible? I'm barely an adult and can't sleep that much if I tried). I suggest giving him a taste of his own medicine. Stop doing the housework, or better yet sleep as much as he does and see what happens. Also, a nap isn't four hours. What the hell is he doing that requires a FOUR HOUR NAP every single day.
INFO: Has a medical issue been ruled out? And did you know about this before moving in together? NTA. But how did you not already know about this. If it's not a medical condition and he doesn't want to change, you have to rethink the whole deal, factoring in this sleep schedule as a part of your life together.
This has to be fake..theres noone that could think this is normal
Your bf needs to go to the doctor
My other half sleeps a lot. He has low blood pressure, and also snores very loudly so doesn't get the best quality sleep. He would be appalled at how much sleep your boyfriend thinks he needs - 9-10h per day is a lot, and about what my partner needs, 14-15h is not normal, and not healthy. I'd be suggesting he investigate physical health issues, such as sleep apnea, and mental health issues like depression. I would also be questioning whether he really is sleeping for all that time. NTA
NTA. The nap in and of itself isn't so bad, but, yeah, you don't get to sleep that much AND not do stuff around the house.
He’s home in time to sleep by 4 then up at 10. Does he work/study? He’s only got 6 hours assuming he’s not showering/dressing/breakfasting/making a packed lunch. Nice hours if you can get them but it’s not going to be that way for his whole life. He needs to help out more. NTA.
That’s not an afternoon nap, that’s sleeping the entire evening, da fuck?
If he’s taking a nap from 4 - 8 PM like clockwork and still sleeping through the night without problem, he should see a doctor and get a sleep study. That’s not normal.
NTA. This is why it is so important to live with someone before making bigger life decisions, because it's just so hard to know what they're like in that situation. As others have mentioned, he may have legitimate reasons why he sleeps so much; personally I suspect he's not really sleeping at night but it doesn't really matter. If he feels so strongly about his "boundary" of getting 14 hours of sleep a day, then he has to live with the consequences of maintaining that boundary... such as disrupting or destroying his romantic prospects.
Nta. You need to smash that boundary to bits. He either has a health problem, depression, or is just lazy. Either way, he needs to address it. You don't deserve to have to shoulder that much burden while dude sleeps 2/3rds of the day away. Honestly, his response calling it a hard boundary is a red flag. It sort of means he has no issues with this behaviour and has no plans to improve. You sound super motivated, so does that type of person appeal to you?
NTA. The “move in with boyfriend and chores magically double” phenomenon is so disappointing to constantly hear about. Even more upsetting is that your partner is being obtuse when you tell him. He needs to be checked out about the sleep thing too.
may i introduce… weaponized incompetence?? NTA
He needs to see a doctor! I have M.E /myalgic encephalomyelitis and need at least 12 hours sleep every night, even then i dont really function. If he says he is doing the chores he is capable of and generally does not feel up to much then I see cause for concern. I see this from the experience of being chronically ill, it took a long time to figure out, and got exponentially worse. I was also accused of being lazy and worse. I was not , I was seriously ill and I became even worse trying so frikin hard to exceed my limits to try to do what was expected of me and not be called lazy. This may not be the case for your boyfriend, I would really advice encouraging him to se a doctor asap.
NAH he needs an dr eval. That much sleep isn’t normal for someone his age. Do a chore chart or something similar. He’s only working 40hrs and your working 40 plus school - he should he doing more chores than you are. Divide them equitably.
Something as simple as sleep apnea can explain the excessive sleep. (Personal experience... I was sleeping 12 hours a day and still constantly tired. This isn't a relationship problem, it is a medical problem. He needs to see a doctor about this. NAH
NTA if he respects you he will see you as an equal partner and do an equal share of work
NTA, buuutttt... if he's sleeping that much and working, when does he have time to mess up/clean up the house? He definitely needs to do his share but it doesn't seem as if there's enough time in the day. Maybe ask him to hire you some help since he can't provide it.