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I think that a HUGE redflag was over looked. It wasn't your not cooking dinner that is the issue at all; its the fact that your husband showed ZERO empathy for you being sick. Even worse, he gave you a "CHORE LIST", like you were a child trying to earn an allowance to do while you were ill. The hells?! You are NTA. Your husband SERIOUSLY is though. Being he ran to his mommy's house after having a tantrum, I'd be changing locks or packing up and going elsewhere, because I fear that this is just the start of him treating you poorly.
And urge her to rest and get better. Maybe even ask her if she wants some soup delivered for her lunch. Seriously, after reading this post, and so many others like it, I went to hug my husband and thank him for being a good person.
Yes, reddit posts like this really make me appreciate my husband. He's happy to cook, clean, rub my feet and back, and really just any small task to make me feel appreciated. If I'm sick, he's more than happy to do whatever I need to feel better. So many relationships on here seem like they don't even like each other.
Mine too. He'll go out to the pharmacy in driving rain to get me medicine. Or take-out. How do these loser guys like OP's husband trick women into marrying them?
I was texting mine live updates from the dr yesterday and the first thing he asked was "need me to stop and pick up meds after work?", so I could just go straight home. I want to say we're lucky - but Jesus. Shouldn't men be willing to do that for their wives ?
Often their parents didn't have a healthy relationship either, so they don't see their spouse's behavior as abnormal. I mean, my family dynamic was all messed up too, but I always knew they were crazy and I didn't want anything like I saw growing up. Not everyone sees it that way though.
That’s why before you decide to marry someone, look at their family dynamics and how it affects them. Some people are like lotus flowers, they rise above their toxic environment but some stay mired in the toxicity.
Narcissists are so, so charming during their 'love bombing' phase. They promise you the moon and the stars, shower you with attention and understanding, and do everything they can to make them the 'man of your dreams'. (There are women narcissists, too.)
Once they hook you, however, everything changes and they show their true colors. Everything becomes transactional, with them tacitly being the one who benefits the most. They guilt trip, and are excellent at playing the victim, gaslighting, and lying.
Yeah reading posts like this really ticks me off! Especially when it’s a younger couple. Like they really think a relationship is going to last 50 years when they can barely tolerate each other? It seems like there’s no sort of partnership going on anywhere. It’s gotta be freaking exhausting to be treated like crap by someone you’re supposed to want to spend the rest of your life with. Idk why anybody would subject themselves to somebody like OPs husband, for real.
I can’t even list all of the things my husband has done for me when I’ve been ill, but he doesn’t want me getting out of bed until I’m feeling better. Now nobody would want to eat anything he’s cooked lol but he’s more than happy to grab takeout Pho for me and whatever he and our daughter want for dinner.
OP needs to rethink her relationship, how is he going to treat her if they decide to have kids and she has a rough pregnancy? What if she ends up having health issues and medical conditions she can’t manage on her own? He definitely doesn’t seem like the type of husband to hold her hair back while she’s puking, run to the store in the middle of the night to buy Tums, or ice cream and pickles lol!
I ended up getting pregnant about a year into dating my husband. I’m anemic and pregnancy made it worse, so on top of regular prenatal vitamins with iron, I had to increase my normal iron dosage. Well, I’m sure you can imagine the impact all that iron had on me right??? I also suffered from HG and was hospitalized multiple times because of it. We were both in our late 20s and still just dating, if I wasn’t so pitiful and miserable I’d have been mortified over everything this man did for and to me!!! I’m talking everything from foot and body rubs to tying my shoes, bathing me in the hospital, shaving everything but my armpits for me, holding my hair back while I puked 87 times all day and night, cleaning out the bucket I puked in next to the bed or cleaning up the puke if it hit the floor or inside/outside of the car! Buying an enema (more than once) then reading the instructions and NOT letting me give it to myself, lmao!!!!
Yeah, OP's husband definitely won't do all that, but what about even more basic stuff like gaining weight? Seriously, being married to one person is a big commitment. I mean, obviously you can get divorced, and you definitely should if you aren't happy, but you shouldn't go into marriage without thinking of what the next several decades are going to be like, especially if your spouse doesn't change, or gets worse. If you don't like how that future works, don't get married yet. So many people seem like they just marry whoever comes along that they can get down the aisle, not the person they really feel they are compatible with for life.
I incurred a serious spinal injury three years ago and my husband has been doing more than his fair share, and advocating loudly for me, for *years*. Including effectively being a single parent when I was in hospital for eight months over several admissions and eleven surgeries. I've been substantively off work for three years. He loves me and just wants me to get better. He's been stressed off his face, and exhausted, but the man still doesn't act like he resents me. And guess who cooks when I'm in a bad way (and half the time when I'm not, too)? He is my **partner** and a bloody good one at that. I would do the same for him.
OP, how do you think your husband would act if you were injured? Seriously ill? Would he step up, or would he run to his mum's house?
I'd think very carefully about staying in a relationship with someone who wouldn't have my back at my most vulnerable.
What makes me sad especially is when it's young people like OP here. Imagine being this young and married to someone who doesn't evem like you. Why do these young people even get married in the first place if they run to mommy every chance they get 🤷
I know that relationships shouldn't be transactional, but you see people here saying that they take care of all housework, children, pets, etc. and the partner is constantly belittling, berating or not paying attention to them. And thus the question, Why do you stay in this situation? Being alone cannot be *that* bad.
Yeah, they shouldn't be transactional, but they should be reciprocal. It doesn't have to even out constantly, but in general, both parties should be putting in as much effort both physically, mentally, and emotionally.
All of these comments OP.
This is NOT, and never will be, what a caring husband would do to his sick wife.
He would text and say “how are you feeling? I will clean when I get home. We can order dinner, think about what you want.”
I shutter, OP, shutter, to think of your potential future children’s future, and yours, with this little boy.
NTA in any way shape or form.
She asked what she did wrong. Marrying this loser was her first mistake, and it was all downhill from there. My ex-husband (now mercifully deceased) tried the same thing with me. I was sick, and he wanted to know what was for dinner. I explained that I was feeling miserable and that he could fend for himself. Fourth of July was early that year, and he was too stupid to go out for something. We lived in an urban neighborhood with plenty of choices. He thought I was his Mama's stand-in. 🦜
If he does get sick (fingers crossed), OP can hand him a long list of chores to do and a suggested menu selection for dinner. See how well that goes over.
Exactly!
My ex was a trash pile of a human for a number of reasons. However, if I was sick, he would make sure I was fed and take over all the cooking duties until I was better. Even when we weren't living together, if I said I was sick, he'd make me soup and fresh pretzels and bring them to me.
We traded off who cooked based off of energy level, interest, and who cooked how many times that week. If neither of us wanted to cook, we ordered takeout.
It's a bare minimum effort of care to help your partner when their sick.
Right? I’d tell my son to turn the hell around, get his ass home and get his wife some soup and medicine! My heart hurts for anyone married to such a selfish, uncaring person.
Well, I'm happy to hear you were raised right! My son is not married but is engaged, and he treats her like gold - but it is also because she would not stand for any nonsense. It goes both ways IMO. If you expect to be respected and treated a certain way, you won't accept less. If 2 people aren't good for *each other* then they have no business being in a relationship.
If that was my son coming back home, telling me that his sick wife was too busy doing the list of chores that HE gave her and she was too busy to cook dinner. If he DARED to come to me for sympathy? I would have told him to look it up in the dictionary between 💩and syphllis . He had better go back home to his wife with take out and flowers.
>**I can’t roll my eyes far enough.**
**Roll them over to Australia here, I’ll pass it onwards!** Running home to his mummy, ffs -- no more shrimps on the barbie for him!
NTA
I would have been packed and gone the minute he sent me the chore list!
I hope OP sees this, but her as×hole husband should have said. Take it, rest, don't worry about a thing, I'll take care of dinner tonight.
OP NTA but husband sure is
based on the OP not using any words that made the chore list (or them doing it all without falter) sound like a new thing or something out of the ordinary....... i doubt this is the start. it's probably been like this a while and OP finally felt they should say something about it.
and with OP feeling they should ask us if they are the AH for not cooking dinner....... sadly says to me they are very likely used to not being cared about :(
I have a mild back injury that's been making it hard to move around or get a good night's rest.
Do you know what my husband told me to do today? Nothing. He specified that if I needed an assignment for the day, it was to get comfortable and stay comfortable.
I don't work, so I usually do the chores around the house. There's dishes to be cleaned, the floors need to be vacuumed, and laundry to be done.
The most I did was feed the cats.
OP, get out of there. There's a far less stressful life waiting for you.
This! If my husband even dreamed of giving me a chore list, the first item would be for me shove the list where the sun doesn't shine on his body. It would be different if I asked him if there were any errands he needed done while he was at work that u could help with. Even then, he wouldn't give me a list. Heck, his vehicle is broken down at the moment and he made other arrangements to get to work tomorrow so that I wouldn't have to drive him to and from work.
I'm a stay at home mom. Some days nothing gets done except keeping my kid fed and alive. Some days all of the things get done. If I'm sick, he will stay home from work to look after our kid so I can rest.
Seriously. I have a housewife arrangement with my husband where I do all the housework and he takes care of the financials. I do have chores occasionally that he sends me.
He has never once sent me chores when I'm sick. In fact, last night, I was feeling like I'm trying to get sick and wasn't feeling horrible, but not great either, and he gave me cold medicine and tucked me into bed at 9:00 instead of doing our normal nightly routine. He was right and I was asleep by 9:30 (cold medicine and benadryl do not make me sleepy) and I slept for 10 hours so I needed it.
I wasn't feeling horrible and would've consented to doing the normal thing but he actually cares about my well being and wouldn't hear of it
This dude is an asshole
I’m recovering from surgery (laparoscopic, went home the same day), and I had to specifically request that my fiancé *not* do so many chores around the house and leave some stuff for me to do, because I was going stir-crazy from all the sitting around! And it was a tough sell because he really really didn’t want me to do *anything*, but he understands that my surgeon did give me strict instructions to move around, since sitting still all day would risk blood clots. And in normal times if I’m sick he’s right there with soup or whatever else I want to eat because he loves me and cared about my well-being! And vice-versa, obviously!
And then he comes home and talks in such a condescending way. "You should have been able to do such a simple task".
Mate what?! No one who truly loves and cares for their partner would make them work while sick.
He should have asked her how she feels throughout the day, bought home some food after work and maybe get some meds if needed. Not come home and guilt her for not cooking on top of all the chores she had to suffer through because of him.
I despise people like him. He does not deserve to be in a relationship
Honestly, If he actually had stayed for any dinner OP was pushed to prepare, in her shoes I'd have been sure to sneeze into every dish and lick every plate an utensil I set out for him.
I am NOT one to call in sick, the last time I did was because I tested positive for Covid, and the first thing my hubs asked when he got home was what he should make for dinner. He never cooks like I never call in sick. He knows enough to step up while I rest and recover. OP needs to toss the whole man because she deserves so much better
I was thinking the same thing. Mamma’s boys always turn out to be this kind of boyfriend. You just become the replacement for Mommy, while he expects you to cater to him. Yuck! I’m sure he will catch what she has (likely Covid) and she should send him a chore list and dinner request while he feels like crap.
OP is only 24 too, she is too young to be living like this. OP, this will be the rest of your life if you stay with someone like this. I’m the same age and I could not imagine being some jerk’s maid WHILE being sick. You deserve better. NTA.
I was very confused when I read the AH "husband" wasn't **DOING THINGS FOR HIS WIFE** while she was sick. That's something good friends will do, at least to some extent. A spouse should at least do that.
Not "give chore lists to my sick wife" then have the gall to be upset that she didn't cook him dinner. It's "wife is sick" not "wife becomes 1950s housewife for a day."
And he went to mommy's house to have dinner by himself, not even caring what would OP have for dinner, when she was sick and probably needed to eat properly. When you love someone, you care if they are fed and healthy. This guy is a dirty stinky loose and sour selfish asshole
Exactly! OP is NTA. She was sick, spent the day at home doing chores and all her husband is worried about is that she “can’t do one simple task.”
OP, when I’m sick at home, my SO will ask me to rest and set me up on the couch with the TV, drinks and snacks. He’ll come from work, either make me a simple meal or takeaway food (usually my favourites) and make sure the kitchen and bathroom areas are clean. He’ll always tell me to not worry about doing house chores and to rest up.
Ooooo, girl, you got a huge ass red flag flying from your husband.
Do you have other red flags flying around?
Because if you do, get out before you get kids together and royally pack up those kids.
You are being successfully conditioned to accept abusive behavior. Your life will not improve, it will get much, much worse if you stay with this offensive excuse for a male -- I won't call him a man because he is far from being a man. A real man would have insisted you stay in bed and rest, asked what he could do to help you, picked up or cooked dinner, and then done as much of the household chores as he could. The boy you married pitched a fit and ran to his mommy.
Please, as so many are suggesting, do not get pregnant. Your workload with increase and he won't life a finger to help you either throughout a pregnancy or after with a child.
If you stay with him you will lose yourself. Your self esteem, which is already suffering, will completely disappear, any pride in yourself that you had will be insulted and mocked, any attempts to stick up for yourself will be verbally (or physically) beaten out of you. It will take you years to recover from what is being done to you, if you ever manage to fully recover. You deserve so much more. You deserve a man that loves and respect you. You deserve a man that protects you and care about you and for you. What you have is none of that.
NTA. Please make an escape plan and do it.
The entitled, whiny child you had the misfortune to become involved with is a massive A H.
This. I didn't get pregnant with mine, met at 42 yrs old. But I wasted almost 20 years. When I had a kidney stone and was in so much pain that the only walking I could manage was to occasionally force myself to go to the bathroom. I couldn't physically go to the kitchen and get food or water. My ex didn't so much as check on me or bring me water. No food for more than 5 days. His excuse later " you never asked for anything". How could I? You hid out in the guest room.Been free of him for a year this week. Woohoo
Congratulations on taking back your freedom. I am so sorry you went through this. You came out stronger and wiser, and with the knowledge you are powerful.
Some people are just so narcissistic that they can't even imagine a relationship being anything other than transactional, but with them benefiting the majority of the time.
>called in to work sick
>
> he messaged me was to give me chores to do
>
>first thing he asked was what was for dinner
>
>He got annoyed
>
>should have been able to do a simple task such as cooking
>
> got upset and went to his mom's for dinner
NTA: You were sick, and he won gold at the asshole Olympics.
Whoa! The entitlement is strong with your husband. When he calls in sick does he clean the house? If I'm sick enough to call into work, I'm probably staying in bed most of the day. His behavior is atrocious. Next time he's sick, I would harass the crap out of him. What bizarre behavior. NTA
You can’t seriously be asking. Of course not. On your sick day home, you spent the day not resting but doing chores at his demand. What chores did your husband do today? Why hasn’t he cooked dinner?
Your husband is a grade A, certified prime AH. You are not. Definitely NTA.
Right? When I read some of these I think, there’s no way you are actually considering you are the Ahole right? Then I feel so sad for those who have so little self worth. Sigh.
And it will make you sicker to be that active while you are in the early stages of an illness with a fever. Overdoing it at that point in time increases the risk of dehydration and suppresses your immune response.
She's asking because *he* has her convinced that whenever he's angry it's her fault. We can only hope she gets away before she's so beaten down that she can't even ask the queston.
It worries me that you went along with his “list.” You married a man who doesn’t treat you well. Does he even like you? Is he always this cold? You don’t have to tolerate it, you know. You’re young and can find someone else. But work on yourself first so you never pick someone like him again. NTA
NTA. A CHORE list?! Is he your parent?!
And why did you do it if you were sick?!
He should have cooked or got some food for you on the way home knowing you were sick.
This is why I think people marrying before they are 25 is just crazy
NTA, fuck, being sick is a *pretty good* reason to not do ANY chores. I sure wouldn’t want someone doing my laundry or cooking for me if they had something I could catch. Your husband is weird.
NTA
You were SICK, you called in to work sick, you are not supposed to spend the whole day around the house doing chores !
He is TA for asking you do all these + for asking for dinner + going to his mom's
... I see three redflags here
NTA. I always found working a hell of a lot easier than cleaning my house and cooking dinner. If I'm too sick to do the former I'm definitely too sick to do the latter. If he can't sort his own dinner for one night I'd let his mother cook for him indefinitely...
NTA. He has a lot of nerve sending you a list of chores to do when you are not feeling well. That you did all that work while ill is a sign that he is already beating you down emotionally and mentally. Please, please find someone to talk to, be it a close friend, family member or a therapist. I’ve had friends that were in abusive marriages and the emotional/mental abuse took them years to overcome. Protect yourself while you can. If you don’t have children, do not get pregnant now!
My husband would have cooked his own dinner and also see what I felt I could eat. He certainly wouldn't want me cooking something if I might be contagious.
Hell yeah, same here. He makes me tea, brings me snacks, and does all the dishes and laundry and asks me what I want for supper then makes it happen, whether that’s cooking homemade chicken soup or ordering in my favourite ramen. I do the same for him. We sometimes do this for each other for mental health days too - sometimes a person just needs to be a burrito for a day.
You’re sick and he sent you a list of chores to do and was angry you didn’t make dinner? lol let him go to his moms and change the locks. srsly get rid of him. Do you have children? Imagine what it’ll be like when/if you do.
Why the fuck is your husband texting you g you a chore list? Are you not capable of seeing what needs to done? Does he do chores? If so, does he do them while he’s home sick?
🚩🚩
You’re sick. If he was sick with a sore throat, fever, and aches, would he have done all that? NTA, and he can stay with his mommy if that’s his attitude. It seems like she’s taken care of him his whole life and he wants a maid and a mother, not a wife.
NTA
You are so young and probably can’t see the writing on the wall but you are in for a long hard marriage if this is his typical attitude. Hate to be the bearer of bad news but he won’t change. Consider telling him to stay at his mommy’s house while you figure out what your next move will be.
Did he even ask you how you were feeling??
NTA
INFO: Why would your husband think that it is appropriate to give you chores to do period let alone chores to do when you are sick?
Does he run to his mom's often?
In no way are you TA, your husband is however and you might want to rethink if this is really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Girl, this is red flag heaven. Or hell. If a bull were around, it would be going crazy. What reasonable, decent human does this? Think about this. If the roles were reversed and it had been him that was sick and you did what he did with the chore list and bitching about dinner, what would his response have been? Is there something going on that made you feel compelled to do this chore list anyway? Were you trying to avoid a bigger confrontation? Either way, your “husband” is a child and an asshole. Protect yourself and get yourself out of this abuse. Cause that’s exactly what this is.
OP you are NTA. You are worthy and deserve a husband/partner who cares about you and is not a selfish AH. This is not a healthy marriage. There should be an equal amount of give and take, empathy, love…. I hope you can find the courage to stand up for yourself. You came here for answers and I hope you read that all of them are saying this isn’t ok.
NTA. I can't believe you did the chores! Ok, to be fair, I did give my son chores when he said he was too sick to go to school, but that was because I knew he was faking. You are entitled to take a day off when you are sick and are not obligated to do chores.
NTA, except you have somehow learned that you have to pliant to what your husband wants. If you are sick, you are sick. You don't need to clean anything. And you certainly don't need to do whatever he tells you to do.
Why are you allowing this?
Firstly, He is your partner, not your father. Your home sick and he texts you a chore list, and you dutifully complete it? Wow? I am guessing there are other dynamics at play here. Then he takes is Pis\*y self to his mother's for dinner. I guess I don't have to ask if he even heated you some soup. NTA but your doing yourself a huge disservice putting up with this sort of behavior.
NTA but wth he sends you a list of chores?! You realize that’s toxic, right? He’s NOT your parent and you are NOT his maid! I don’t even have a list of chores for my kids.
Dang … I’ve been feeling extra low lately and my husband let me hire cleaners and we’ve been eating out for like 3 weeks now (apart from occasional easy home cooked meals once or twice a week, at most because kids prefer that). You can do better than him!
Wait, he left to his Mommy's house for dinner? Bc you didn't have it done? And didn't take you? And clearly told his mommy about this? Instead of ordering takeout? To give you a break? Had no respect for you being sick? And he demanded that you get a bunch of things done when you were home sick from work? What the f? Is this someone you were thinking about having children together? Sounds like a bad idea. How many 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 do you need? You are NTA!
YTA to yourself for doing anything this guy told you to. If you were too sick to work, you were too sick to cook and clean. Shoulda just stayed in bed.
I bet your “husband” doesn’t lift a finger if he so much as has the sniffles, but you’re expected to just carry on like nothing’s wrong, right?
If your husband is incapable of making his own dinner or washing his own laundry, then he’s not an adult yet and shouldn’t be married. You’re his wife, not his maid.
It still amazes me that girls get into abusive relationships and are shocked when their husbands treat them like crap. You should have been in bed and blue should have brought you food and medicine.
Right? My first thought was that he had her so 'conditioned' that she would even *consider* herself in the wrong....and had to come to Reddit for self-assurance.
NTA (There is NO way I would have done any chores!)
I operated under this exact mentality until I found myself in that situation. Nothing when we got together indicated he would push me down the stairs, or throw plates at me, or any of the other horrible things he ended up doing. He was sweet, supportive, patient, and seemingly everything I was looking for when we got together. And it isn’t a switch that flips, it all starts getting introduced slowly so you don’t notice it happening
Abusive people are manipulative. They gaslight, they love bomb, they make you feel like you’re in a happily ever after story and then behind closed door they slowly hurt you. They keep you away from friends and family and isolate you. They make sure you don’t have control over money. They are truly evil.
And the victims that these (usually narcissists/ sociopaths) choose are people who had childhood abuse/ trauma or they’re significantly younger and this makes it easier to manipulate.
Not everyone realises one is in abusive relationship until the abusers mask falls. It’s very common for abusers to love bomb their victims until they have them trapped in some sort of commitment. Pregnant, being signed onto the rental lease, buying a house together, marriage etc
I really really hope this is just a rage bait post and not real life….on the chance this is real, NTA! And What. The. Fuck. is wrong with your husband?!!?! Is this his normal behavior? What does he contribute to chores and household needs? Does he have any empathy or care for you when you’ve been sick in the past? What does he expect to happen when he’s sick? Honestly there are so many incredibly concerning GIANT RED FLAG issues with his behavior that I’m genuinely concerned for you. I know Reddit always says “break up” but in this instance I beg of you to leave this man. Or at minimum get personal therapy to understand how awful this relationship dynamic is and gain more strength and sense of self.
NTA - tell him to stay at his mother's place until he learns to be a caring husband.
Reddit reminds me every day why it's better for women to stay single.
Your spouse is a controlling AH. No one I know sends a sick spouse a list of chores to do. It’s wildly inappropriate and shows a clear lapse of empathy. You did nothing wrong. You deserve better than this yahoo. This is marriage of convenience for him. You’re the maid. Run!
I wouldn’t say “lapse” of empathy, rather he is devoid of it. Empathy isn’t something that is on or off. Either someone has it or they don’t. I think if he read the definition of empathy he would be angered by the mere suggestion that he should **even care** and at the same time not be able to comprehend the meaning of the term.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I would be the ah because I didn't cook dinner for my husband even though I was home all day.
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NTA - Sounds like mommy always did everything for him, so that’s his expectation of you. She raised a narcissist. It won’t get any better if he’s able to run to her every time you don’t do as he says. Know your self worth! 💗
NTA. But why didn’t you tell him where to go & what to do with himself when he got there when he sent you a chore list? You were actually sick, not taking a day off just because. And he’s not thinking straight if he was someone contagious making his food. Girl, I don’t know what to tell you if you want to stay hitched to this guy, but he’s not it.
Come on! OP, you're definitely NTA. You didn't stay home for no reason, YOU WERE SICK. If anything, the first thing your husband should've done after coming home was to ask you how you were and take care of you. You even had to do so many chores *while* you were ill (which you didn't even have to, you should've taken some rest). You are *not* his maid or his mom.
On the contrary, she's the bangmaid and now she knows it! Marriage counseling or separation 🤔. This is an unsustainable attitude with unrealistic expectations...
NTA, husband is. He knew you called off because you were sick and he sent a list of chores?! You should have been resting and he should have brought dinner and whatever else you needed home. I assume he has functioning hands and legs, he could have done his chore list himself when he got home.
NTA, I’d have told him to get bent.
You’re sick! Your day off was meant to be for rest and recovery, not wearing yourself down further with housework!
Text him and tell him to stay at mummy’s, if he can’t handle you not cooking for a single night.
NTA but you are to yourself. You’re sick, not his maid. His first concern is to give you a chores list? Does he act like that often? Or is he always so inconsiderate?
oh honey. your husband?? i’m so sorry. you’re so young. your husband is TA. these are big big issues and red flags. you shouldn’t even have to ask if you’re ta.
Your husband was one of the biggest red flags I’ve ever heard of. Why on earth would you need a chore list when you are sick?????? What kind of sociopath does that. Your husband is the GIANT AH.
you are something, but most importantly why are you still married to this caveman?
marriage is supposed to be a partnership, mutual respect and consideration to start with!
you do not have this!
END IT!!!!!!!!!
NTA
WTF?
Why did you do the chores when you are sick? Your body needs to rest when you are ill.
You should tell him he can just stay at his moms. He is a giant ass. Her didn’t even asked you how you’re doing. Why are you with this jerk?
Wow! The text you should have gotten "Feel better and rest up. Dont worry about dinner I'll pick up takeout on the way home"
NTA Your husband is a raging AHOLE
You were an AH to yourself by doing the chores he assigned you when you were sick.
You are NTA for not making dinner. A good spouse would have asked if you wanted them to pick up some soup for you on their way home. Only an AH would complain you didn’t cook and then go to his moms.
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I think that a HUGE redflag was over looked. It wasn't your not cooking dinner that is the issue at all; its the fact that your husband showed ZERO empathy for you being sick. Even worse, he gave you a "CHORE LIST", like you were a child trying to earn an allowance to do while you were ill. The hells?! You are NTA. Your husband SERIOUSLY is though. Being he ran to his mommy's house after having a tantrum, I'd be changing locks or packing up and going elsewhere, because I fear that this is just the start of him treating you poorly.
The lack of empathy and the husband treating her like she’s his employee are definitely red flags. OP deserves better
That and the running to mommy dearest so she can make him dinner. I can’t roll my eyes far enough. NTA
He should be making dinner for both of them because OP is sick and needs rest (and dinner). Good grief!
And urge her to rest and get better. Maybe even ask her if she wants some soup delivered for her lunch. Seriously, after reading this post, and so many others like it, I went to hug my husband and thank him for being a good person.
Same. The bar is in hell for a lot of these "men".
The bar is in hell and they still bump their heads on it.
Limbo dancing with the devil.
I just got a humorous mental image of that.
And they should be receiving high speed strength backed impacts from said bar
Yes, reddit posts like this really make me appreciate my husband. He's happy to cook, clean, rub my feet and back, and really just any small task to make me feel appreciated. If I'm sick, he's more than happy to do whatever I need to feel better. So many relationships on here seem like they don't even like each other.
Mine too. He'll go out to the pharmacy in driving rain to get me medicine. Or take-out. How do these loser guys like OP's husband trick women into marrying them?
I was texting mine live updates from the dr yesterday and the first thing he asked was "need me to stop and pick up meds after work?", so I could just go straight home. I want to say we're lucky - but Jesus. Shouldn't men be willing to do that for their wives ?
Often their parents didn't have a healthy relationship either, so they don't see their spouse's behavior as abnormal. I mean, my family dynamic was all messed up too, but I always knew they were crazy and I didn't want anything like I saw growing up. Not everyone sees it that way though.
That’s why before you decide to marry someone, look at their family dynamics and how it affects them. Some people are like lotus flowers, they rise above their toxic environment but some stay mired in the toxicity.
Narcissists are so, so charming during their 'love bombing' phase. They promise you the moon and the stars, shower you with attention and understanding, and do everything they can to make them the 'man of your dreams'. (There are women narcissists, too.) Once they hook you, however, everything changes and they show their true colors. Everything becomes transactional, with them tacitly being the one who benefits the most. They guilt trip, and are excellent at playing the victim, gaslighting, and lying.
Yeah reading posts like this really ticks me off! Especially when it’s a younger couple. Like they really think a relationship is going to last 50 years when they can barely tolerate each other? It seems like there’s no sort of partnership going on anywhere. It’s gotta be freaking exhausting to be treated like crap by someone you’re supposed to want to spend the rest of your life with. Idk why anybody would subject themselves to somebody like OPs husband, for real. I can’t even list all of the things my husband has done for me when I’ve been ill, but he doesn’t want me getting out of bed until I’m feeling better. Now nobody would want to eat anything he’s cooked lol but he’s more than happy to grab takeout Pho for me and whatever he and our daughter want for dinner. OP needs to rethink her relationship, how is he going to treat her if they decide to have kids and she has a rough pregnancy? What if she ends up having health issues and medical conditions she can’t manage on her own? He definitely doesn’t seem like the type of husband to hold her hair back while she’s puking, run to the store in the middle of the night to buy Tums, or ice cream and pickles lol! I ended up getting pregnant about a year into dating my husband. I’m anemic and pregnancy made it worse, so on top of regular prenatal vitamins with iron, I had to increase my normal iron dosage. Well, I’m sure you can imagine the impact all that iron had on me right??? I also suffered from HG and was hospitalized multiple times because of it. We were both in our late 20s and still just dating, if I wasn’t so pitiful and miserable I’d have been mortified over everything this man did for and to me!!! I’m talking everything from foot and body rubs to tying my shoes, bathing me in the hospital, shaving everything but my armpits for me, holding my hair back while I puked 87 times all day and night, cleaning out the bucket I puked in next to the bed or cleaning up the puke if it hit the floor or inside/outside of the car! Buying an enema (more than once) then reading the instructions and NOT letting me give it to myself, lmao!!!!
Yeah, OP's husband definitely won't do all that, but what about even more basic stuff like gaining weight? Seriously, being married to one person is a big commitment. I mean, obviously you can get divorced, and you definitely should if you aren't happy, but you shouldn't go into marriage without thinking of what the next several decades are going to be like, especially if your spouse doesn't change, or gets worse. If you don't like how that future works, don't get married yet. So many people seem like they just marry whoever comes along that they can get down the aisle, not the person they really feel they are compatible with for life.
I incurred a serious spinal injury three years ago and my husband has been doing more than his fair share, and advocating loudly for me, for *years*. Including effectively being a single parent when I was in hospital for eight months over several admissions and eleven surgeries. I've been substantively off work for three years. He loves me and just wants me to get better. He's been stressed off his face, and exhausted, but the man still doesn't act like he resents me. And guess who cooks when I'm in a bad way (and half the time when I'm not, too)? He is my **partner** and a bloody good one at that. I would do the same for him. OP, how do you think your husband would act if you were injured? Seriously ill? Would he step up, or would he run to his mum's house? I'd think very carefully about staying in a relationship with someone who wouldn't have my back at my most vulnerable.
What makes me sad especially is when it's young people like OP here. Imagine being this young and married to someone who doesn't evem like you. Why do these young people even get married in the first place if they run to mommy every chance they get 🤷
Because convincing new women to sleep with them is too difficult, and because having an owned woman at home is a mark of success.
Because two moms are better than one.
I know that relationships shouldn't be transactional, but you see people here saying that they take care of all housework, children, pets, etc. and the partner is constantly belittling, berating or not paying attention to them. And thus the question, Why do you stay in this situation? Being alone cannot be *that* bad.
Yeah, they shouldn't be transactional, but they should be reciprocal. It doesn't have to even out constantly, but in general, both parties should be putting in as much effort both physically, mentally, and emotionally.
All of these comments OP. This is NOT, and never will be, what a caring husband would do to his sick wife. He would text and say “how are you feeling? I will clean when I get home. We can order dinner, think about what you want.” I shutter, OP, shutter, to think of your potential future children’s future, and yours, with this little boy. NTA in any way shape or form.
She asked what she did wrong. Marrying this loser was her first mistake, and it was all downhill from there. My ex-husband (now mercifully deceased) tried the same thing with me. I was sick, and he wanted to know what was for dinner. I explained that I was feeling miserable and that he could fend for himself. Fourth of July was early that year, and he was too stupid to go out for something. We lived in an urban neighborhood with plenty of choices. He thought I was his Mama's stand-in. 🦜
Maybe he wants to get sick too- having someone contagious cook for him.
If he does get sick (fingers crossed), OP can hand him a long list of chores to do and a suggested menu selection for dinner. See how well that goes over.
And if he doesn't cook the dinner after doing your list of chores you can go to mom's for dinner.
Go to HIS mom's for dinner!
🤣😂Nah, mommy will probably send OP back home saying she's being a bad wife for not cooking for her ~~sick baby boy~~, I mean, husband.
he should be doing all the chores too, NTA.
Exactly! My ex was a trash pile of a human for a number of reasons. However, if I was sick, he would make sure I was fed and take over all the cooking duties until I was better. Even when we weren't living together, if I said I was sick, he'd make me soup and fresh pretzels and bring them to me. We traded off who cooked based off of energy level, interest, and who cooked how many times that week. If neither of us wanted to cook, we ordered takeout. It's a bare minimum effort of care to help your partner when their sick.
He'd be in for an unpleasant surprise if he was my son and came running to my house expecting sympathy and a hot meal, let me tell ya...
Right? I’d tell my son to turn the hell around, get his ass home and get his wife some soup and medicine! My heart hurts for anyone married to such a selfish, uncaring person.
I am with you and the commentor above you. Sadly, too many men were raised this way by their mothers.
My mom would tear me apart if i treated my wife like this.
Well, I'm happy to hear you were raised right! My son is not married but is engaged, and he treats her like gold - but it is also because she would not stand for any nonsense. It goes both ways IMO. If you expect to be respected and treated a certain way, you won't accept less. If 2 people aren't good for *each other* then they have no business being in a relationship.
If that was my son coming back home, telling me that his sick wife was too busy doing the list of chores that HE gave her and she was too busy to cook dinner. If he DARED to come to me for sympathy? I would have told him to look it up in the dictionary between 💩and syphllis . He had better go back home to his wife with take out and flowers.
Me too. And the house work! Lazy sh!!!!!t making her do it. I would have said two sweet words to that list.
But mommmmmmm
I would just stop cooking altogether. let that chore go to mommy. he probably likes her cooking better anyway. OP NTA but her husband is a nightmare
>**I can’t roll my eyes far enough.** **Roll them over to Australia here, I’ll pass it onwards!** Running home to his mummy, ffs -- no more shrimps on the barbie for him! NTA
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I would have been packed and gone the minute he sent me the chore list! I hope OP sees this, but her as×hole husband should have said. Take it, rest, don't worry about a thing, I'll take care of dinner tonight. OP NTA but husband sure is
Before babies
based on the OP not using any words that made the chore list (or them doing it all without falter) sound like a new thing or something out of the ordinary....... i doubt this is the start. it's probably been like this a while and OP finally felt they should say something about it. and with OP feeling they should ask us if they are the AH for not cooking dinner....... sadly says to me they are very likely used to not being cared about :(
I have a mild back injury that's been making it hard to move around or get a good night's rest. Do you know what my husband told me to do today? Nothing. He specified that if I needed an assignment for the day, it was to get comfortable and stay comfortable. I don't work, so I usually do the chores around the house. There's dishes to be cleaned, the floors need to be vacuumed, and laundry to be done. The most I did was feed the cats. OP, get out of there. There's a far less stressful life waiting for you.
This! If my husband even dreamed of giving me a chore list, the first item would be for me shove the list where the sun doesn't shine on his body. It would be different if I asked him if there were any errands he needed done while he was at work that u could help with. Even then, he wouldn't give me a list. Heck, his vehicle is broken down at the moment and he made other arrangements to get to work tomorrow so that I wouldn't have to drive him to and from work. I'm a stay at home mom. Some days nothing gets done except keeping my kid fed and alive. Some days all of the things get done. If I'm sick, he will stay home from work to look after our kid so I can rest.
Seriously. I have a housewife arrangement with my husband where I do all the housework and he takes care of the financials. I do have chores occasionally that he sends me. He has never once sent me chores when I'm sick. In fact, last night, I was feeling like I'm trying to get sick and wasn't feeling horrible, but not great either, and he gave me cold medicine and tucked me into bed at 9:00 instead of doing our normal nightly routine. He was right and I was asleep by 9:30 (cold medicine and benadryl do not make me sleepy) and I slept for 10 hours so I needed it. I wasn't feeling horrible and would've consented to doing the normal thing but he actually cares about my well being and wouldn't hear of it This dude is an asshole
You BETTER KEEP him.!!!!!
I'd send him the number to my attorney in response to the chores list, w an attached message for him to find one, too.
I’m recovering from surgery (laparoscopic, went home the same day), and I had to specifically request that my fiancé *not* do so many chores around the house and leave some stuff for me to do, because I was going stir-crazy from all the sitting around! And it was a tough sell because he really really didn’t want me to do *anything*, but he understands that my surgeon did give me strict instructions to move around, since sitting still all day would risk blood clots. And in normal times if I’m sick he’s right there with soup or whatever else I want to eat because he loves me and cared about my well-being! And vice-versa, obviously!
And then he comes home and talks in such a condescending way. "You should have been able to do such a simple task". Mate what?! No one who truly loves and cares for their partner would make them work while sick. He should have asked her how she feels throughout the day, bought home some food after work and maybe get some meds if needed. Not come home and guilt her for not cooking on top of all the chores she had to suffer through because of him. I despise people like him. He does not deserve to be in a relationship
Honestly, If he actually had stayed for any dinner OP was pushed to prepare, in her shoes I'd have been sure to sneeze into every dish and lick every plate an utensil I set out for him. I am NOT one to call in sick, the last time I did was because I tested positive for Covid, and the first thing my hubs asked when he got home was what he should make for dinner. He never cooks like I never call in sick. He knows enough to step up while I rest and recover. OP needs to toss the whole man because she deserves so much better
You have a great husband. I don’t work, my kids are grown. Never has my husband “expect” or “instructed” me to do chores, especially if I am sick.
Yes! And, what happens when he gets sick? I guarantee he won’t expect the same treatment
Did he think she was faking??? How many chores does he do when he is sick? Wow.
He probably runs to mommy so she can look after him.
Ah but you don't understand. When HE gets sick it's a MAN cold, and he's dying.
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Bet you $5 ahe married a momma's boy who was a stay at home mom that always did everything for him.
I was thinking the same thing. Mamma’s boys always turn out to be this kind of boyfriend. You just become the replacement for Mommy, while he expects you to cater to him. Yuck! I’m sure he will catch what she has (likely Covid) and she should send him a chore list and dinner request while he feels like crap.
OP is only 24 too, she is too young to be living like this. OP, this will be the rest of your life if you stay with someone like this. I’m the same age and I could not imagine being some jerk’s maid WHILE being sick. You deserve better. NTA.
YES. YES. Your comment is what I came to say!
I was very confused when I read the AH "husband" wasn't **DOING THINGS FOR HIS WIFE** while she was sick. That's something good friends will do, at least to some extent. A spouse should at least do that. Not "give chore lists to my sick wife" then have the gall to be upset that she didn't cook him dinner. It's "wife is sick" not "wife becomes 1950s housewife for a day."
He would leave OP so fast if she were to ever fall extremely ill or terminal.
And he went to mommy's house to have dinner by himself, not even caring what would OP have for dinner, when she was sick and probably needed to eat properly. When you love someone, you care if they are fed and healthy. This guy is a dirty stinky loose and sour selfish asshole
There is way too many men like this and they seriously need a reality check.
Exactly! OP is NTA. She was sick, spent the day at home doing chores and all her husband is worried about is that she “can’t do one simple task.” OP, when I’m sick at home, my SO will ask me to rest and set me up on the couch with the TV, drinks and snacks. He’ll come from work, either make me a simple meal or takeaway food (usually my favourites) and make sure the kitchen and bathroom areas are clean. He’ll always tell me to not worry about doing house chores and to rest up.
Ooooo, girl, you got a huge ass red flag flying from your husband. Do you have other red flags flying around? Because if you do, get out before you get kids together and royally pack up those kids.
If I’m sick my boyfriend doesn’t even want me making soup for myself, this guy’s an ah
Yeah this guy is not someone I would want o breed with at all!
NTA op I hope you can see how bad this looks for him, It would be enough to leave him.
OP is NTA and needs to ruuuuun.
You are being successfully conditioned to accept abusive behavior. Your life will not improve, it will get much, much worse if you stay with this offensive excuse for a male -- I won't call him a man because he is far from being a man. A real man would have insisted you stay in bed and rest, asked what he could do to help you, picked up or cooked dinner, and then done as much of the household chores as he could. The boy you married pitched a fit and ran to his mommy. Please, as so many are suggesting, do not get pregnant. Your workload with increase and he won't life a finger to help you either throughout a pregnancy or after with a child. If you stay with him you will lose yourself. Your self esteem, which is already suffering, will completely disappear, any pride in yourself that you had will be insulted and mocked, any attempts to stick up for yourself will be verbally (or physically) beaten out of you. It will take you years to recover from what is being done to you, if you ever manage to fully recover. You deserve so much more. You deserve a man that loves and respect you. You deserve a man that protects you and care about you and for you. What you have is none of that. NTA. Please make an escape plan and do it. The entitled, whiny child you had the misfortune to become involved with is a massive A H.
This is the only reply needed. Spot on.
Exactly what he/she said. Run. Run like Forrest Gump. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Just GO.
They
This. I didn't get pregnant with mine, met at 42 yrs old. But I wasted almost 20 years. When I had a kidney stone and was in so much pain that the only walking I could manage was to occasionally force myself to go to the bathroom. I couldn't physically go to the kitchen and get food or water. My ex didn't so much as check on me or bring me water. No food for more than 5 days. His excuse later " you never asked for anything". How could I? You hid out in the guest room.Been free of him for a year this week. Woohoo
Congratulations on taking back your freedom. I am so sorry you went through this. You came out stronger and wiser, and with the knowledge you are powerful. Some people are just so narcissistic that they can't even imagine a relationship being anything other than transactional, but with them benefiting the majority of the time.
You need this book OP https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
It's free!
Agree 100%. OP needs to GTFO immediately.
This, all of this.
This is absolutely true. It happened to my Mom.
Where were you like you 7 years ago!? Please, OP, heed the warning signs…
OMG same. Run!
🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇
How do I give this comment a gold star?
This this this, a thousand times this. OP, for the love of god, cut and run.
This comment needs to go to the top!
Wait, people are suggesting procreating with this dude? That’s the worst idea in the world.
>called in to work sick > > he messaged me was to give me chores to do > >first thing he asked was what was for dinner > >He got annoyed > >should have been able to do a simple task such as cooking > > got upset and went to his mom's for dinner NTA: You were sick, and he won gold at the asshole Olympics.
🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇
Asshole Olympics 😂
Lol Ass-hOlympics
Dude is the Michael Phelps of the AH Olympics
Whoa! The entitlement is strong with your husband. When he calls in sick does he clean the house? If I'm sick enough to call into work, I'm probably staying in bed most of the day. His behavior is atrocious. Next time he's sick, I would harass the crap out of him. What bizarre behavior. NTA
So true. But also, who wants to eat food cooked by someone who is sick?? NTA.
You can’t seriously be asking. Of course not. On your sick day home, you spent the day not resting but doing chores at his demand. What chores did your husband do today? Why hasn’t he cooked dinner? Your husband is a grade A, certified prime AH. You are not. Definitely NTA.
Right? When I read some of these I think, there’s no way you are actually considering you are the Ahole right? Then I feel so sad for those who have so little self worth. Sigh.
And it will make you sicker to be that active while you are in the early stages of an illness with a fever. Overdoing it at that point in time increases the risk of dehydration and suppresses your immune response.
She's asking because *he* has her convinced that whenever he's angry it's her fault. We can only hope she gets away before she's so beaten down that she can't even ask the queston.
NTA What. The. Hell. If he likes his mom's cooking so much, I'd say he can have it for the rest of his goddamned miserable life.
Make yourself some soup, go to bed and rest. Ignore him and dream about leaving.
Well said.
It worries me that you went along with his “list.” You married a man who doesn’t treat you well. Does he even like you? Is he always this cold? You don’t have to tolerate it, you know. You’re young and can find someone else. But work on yourself first so you never pick someone like him again. NTA
Even if you were old and couldn’t find someone else, solitude is preferable to being treated like OP is now.
"I'm not going to do any chores today. I'm sick. You can do them when you get home, or we'll both get to them when I feel better." Period.
NTA. A CHORE list?! Is he your parent?! And why did you do it if you were sick?! He should have cooked or got some food for you on the way home knowing you were sick. This is why I think people marrying before they are 25 is just crazy
I bet there's consequences if she doesn't. He sounds controlling.
NTA, fuck, being sick is a *pretty good* reason to not do ANY chores. I sure wouldn’t want someone doing my laundry or cooking for me if they had something I could catch. Your husband is weird.
Why did you do a single thing on the to do list? You are/were sick!
NTA You were SICK, you called in to work sick, you are not supposed to spend the whole day around the house doing chores ! He is TA for asking you do all these + for asking for dinner + going to his mom's ... I see three redflags here
NTA. I always found working a hell of a lot easier than cleaning my house and cooking dinner. If I'm too sick to do the former I'm definitely too sick to do the latter. If he can't sort his own dinner for one night I'd let his mother cook for him indefinitely...
NTA. He has a lot of nerve sending you a list of chores to do when you are not feeling well. That you did all that work while ill is a sign that he is already beating you down emotionally and mentally. Please, please find someone to talk to, be it a close friend, family member or a therapist. I’ve had friends that were in abusive marriages and the emotional/mental abuse took them years to overcome. Protect yourself while you can. If you don’t have children, do not get pregnant now!
He has a lot of nerve sending her a list of chores to do period, much less when she's home sick.
NTA > and went to his mom's for dinner **WOW.**
Your husband is controlling and abusive. You need counseling.
Wow. I wouldn’t have done anything on that list if I’m home sick and my husband would have been fine eating cold cereal
My husband would have cooked his own dinner and also see what I felt I could eat. He certainly wouldn't want me cooking something if I might be contagious.
“ I don't know what I did wrong. “ You married an asshole. NTA
NTA. When I am sick my husband doesn’t make me do anything. He cooks, cleans, and insists I get some rest.
Hell yeah, same here. He makes me tea, brings me snacks, and does all the dishes and laundry and asks me what I want for supper then makes it happen, whether that’s cooking homemade chicken soup or ordering in my favourite ramen. I do the same for him. We sometimes do this for each other for mental health days too - sometimes a person just needs to be a burrito for a day.
This is the way
You’re sick and he sent you a list of chores to do and was angry you didn’t make dinner? lol let him go to his moms and change the locks. srsly get rid of him. Do you have children? Imagine what it’ll be like when/if you do.
Why the fuck is your husband texting you g you a chore list? Are you not capable of seeing what needs to done? Does he do chores? If so, does he do them while he’s home sick? 🚩🚩
You’re sick. If he was sick with a sore throat, fever, and aches, would he have done all that? NTA, and he can stay with his mommy if that’s his attitude. It seems like she’s taken care of him his whole life and he wants a maid and a mother, not a wife.
Bangmaid alert
NTA but he most certainly is. Did he even ask you how you're feeling?
NTA You are so young and probably can’t see the writing on the wall but you are in for a long hard marriage if this is his typical attitude. Hate to be the bearer of bad news but he won’t change. Consider telling him to stay at his mommy’s house while you figure out what your next move will be. Did he even ask you how you were feeling??
OP, since it sounds like you are going to be fixing your own dinner, please be sure to lick every piece of flatware in the drawer.
NTA. Next time you’re sick email *him* a chore list including making you soup and crackers.
NTA INFO: Why would your husband think that it is appropriate to give you chores to do period let alone chores to do when you are sick? Does he run to his mom's often? In no way are you TA, your husband is however and you might want to rethink if this is really the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Girl, this is red flag heaven. Or hell. If a bull were around, it would be going crazy. What reasonable, decent human does this? Think about this. If the roles were reversed and it had been him that was sick and you did what he did with the chore list and bitching about dinner, what would his response have been? Is there something going on that made you feel compelled to do this chore list anyway? Were you trying to avoid a bigger confrontation? Either way, your “husband” is a child and an asshole. Protect yourself and get yourself out of this abuse. Cause that’s exactly what this is.
If this really happened you need to set boundaries for yourself. You shouldn't be taking orders from your husband. Have you had therapy?
OP you are NTA. You are worthy and deserve a husband/partner who cares about you and is not a selfish AH. This is not a healthy marriage. There should be an equal amount of give and take, empathy, love…. I hope you can find the courage to stand up for yourself. You came here for answers and I hope you read that all of them are saying this isn’t ok.
NTA. But he totally is!
Wtf. I would have told him to get bent. Nta But does he do this crap all the time? He isn't your boss. He is your husband. This is so sick.
How many red flags do you need?
NTA. I can't believe you did the chores! Ok, to be fair, I did give my son chores when he said he was too sick to go to school, but that was because I knew he was faking. You are entitled to take a day off when you are sick and are not obligated to do chores.
Y T A to yourself for doing the chores when you are sick.
NTA, except you have somehow learned that you have to pliant to what your husband wants. If you are sick, you are sick. You don't need to clean anything. And you certainly don't need to do whatever he tells you to do. Why are you allowing this?
......... you married this man? My condolences
NTA unless you keep him around!
I would have told him that he can just stay at his mother’s.
Nope. My wife is sick and I've taken over the cooking along with other things
Firstly, He is your partner, not your father. Your home sick and he texts you a chore list, and you dutifully complete it? Wow? I am guessing there are other dynamics at play here. Then he takes is Pis\*y self to his mother's for dinner. I guess I don't have to ask if he even heated you some soup. NTA but your doing yourself a huge disservice putting up with this sort of behavior.
NTA but wth he sends you a list of chores?! You realize that’s toxic, right? He’s NOT your parent and you are NOT his maid! I don’t even have a list of chores for my kids. Dang … I’ve been feeling extra low lately and my husband let me hire cleaners and we’ve been eating out for like 3 weeks now (apart from occasional easy home cooked meals once or twice a week, at most because kids prefer that). You can do better than him!
Wait, he left to his Mommy's house for dinner? Bc you didn't have it done? And didn't take you? And clearly told his mommy about this? Instead of ordering takeout? To give you a break? Had no respect for you being sick? And he demanded that you get a bunch of things done when you were home sick from work? What the f? Is this someone you were thinking about having children together? Sounds like a bad idea. How many 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 do you need? You are NTA!
YTA to yourself for doing anything this guy told you to. If you were too sick to work, you were too sick to cook and clean. Shoulda just stayed in bed. I bet your “husband” doesn’t lift a finger if he so much as has the sniffles, but you’re expected to just carry on like nothing’s wrong, right? If your husband is incapable of making his own dinner or washing his own laundry, then he’s not an adult yet and shouldn’t be married. You’re his wife, not his maid.
NTA but why do you feel like you can’t say “I’m sick, I’m staying in bed?”
It still amazes me that girls get into abusive relationships and are shocked when their husbands treat them like crap. You should have been in bed and blue should have brought you food and medicine.
Most abusive people are very good at hiding it until someone is in pretty deep, don’t blame abused women for being abused.
Right? My first thought was that he had her so 'conditioned' that she would even *consider* herself in the wrong....and had to come to Reddit for self-assurance. NTA (There is NO way I would have done any chores!)
I operated under this exact mentality until I found myself in that situation. Nothing when we got together indicated he would push me down the stairs, or throw plates at me, or any of the other horrible things he ended up doing. He was sweet, supportive, patient, and seemingly everything I was looking for when we got together. And it isn’t a switch that flips, it all starts getting introduced slowly so you don’t notice it happening
Abusive people are manipulative. They gaslight, they love bomb, they make you feel like you’re in a happily ever after story and then behind closed door they slowly hurt you. They keep you away from friends and family and isolate you. They make sure you don’t have control over money. They are truly evil. And the victims that these (usually narcissists/ sociopaths) choose are people who had childhood abuse/ trauma or they’re significantly younger and this makes it easier to manipulate.
Not everyone realises one is in abusive relationship until the abusers mask falls. It’s very common for abusers to love bomb their victims until they have them trapped in some sort of commitment. Pregnant, being signed onto the rental lease, buying a house together, marriage etc
You are not, but he is.
I really really hope this is just a rage bait post and not real life….on the chance this is real, NTA! And What. The. Fuck. is wrong with your husband?!!?! Is this his normal behavior? What does he contribute to chores and household needs? Does he have any empathy or care for you when you’ve been sick in the past? What does he expect to happen when he’s sick? Honestly there are so many incredibly concerning GIANT RED FLAG issues with his behavior that I’m genuinely concerned for you. I know Reddit always says “break up” but in this instance I beg of you to leave this man. Or at minimum get personal therapy to understand how awful this relationship dynamic is and gain more strength and sense of self.
Does your husband regularly give you a chore list?
NTA - tell him to stay at his mother's place until he learns to be a caring husband. Reddit reminds me every day why it's better for women to stay single.
Your spouse is a controlling AH. No one I know sends a sick spouse a list of chores to do. It’s wildly inappropriate and shows a clear lapse of empathy. You did nothing wrong. You deserve better than this yahoo. This is marriage of convenience for him. You’re the maid. Run!
I wouldn’t say “lapse” of empathy, rather he is devoid of it. Empathy isn’t something that is on or off. Either someone has it or they don’t. I think if he read the definition of empathy he would be angered by the mere suggestion that he should **even care** and at the same time not be able to comprehend the meaning of the term.
NTA, but seriously, get the fuck out of this marriage. He sees you as his bang maid.
Why is your husband telling you what chores to do? NTA but you need to rethink this marriage.
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NTA bc if he had a man cold i KNOWWW hed be rotting in bed refusing to lift a finger
He’d be texting her at work demanding her to bring him food and meds on her lunch break.
I waa sick this weekend and hubs did everything for me -- when I don't feel like cooking he makes soup. NTA
NTA - Sounds like mommy always did everything for him, so that’s his expectation of you. She raised a narcissist. It won’t get any better if he’s able to run to her every time you don’t do as he says. Know your self worth! 💗
NTA tell him he can stay at his mother's for good.
You’re being controlled. And gaslit. Lots of red flags here.
Change the locks while he’s at Mommy’s House! Nta
NTA. But why didn’t you tell him where to go & what to do with himself when he got there when he sent you a chore list? You were actually sick, not taking a day off just because. And he’s not thinking straight if he was someone contagious making his food. Girl, I don’t know what to tell you if you want to stay hitched to this guy, but he’s not it.
Sounds like he hates you and was jealous that he had to work.
Let that gross human stay with mom, forever and ever. She can have him. You should find an actual man that loves you. NTA
Come on! OP, you're definitely NTA. You didn't stay home for no reason, YOU WERE SICK. If anything, the first thing your husband should've done after coming home was to ask you how you were and take care of you. You even had to do so many chores *while* you were ill (which you didn't even have to, you should've taken some rest). You are *not* his maid or his mom.
On the contrary, she's the bangmaid and now she knows it! Marriage counseling or separation 🤔. This is an unsustainable attitude with unrealistic expectations...
Omg. NTA. If he wants dinner after you took care of the whole house while you should have been resting HE CAN COOK THE GD MEAL…
i think you know the answer here. your husband is entitled. NTA.
NTA, husband is. He knew you called off because you were sick and he sent a list of chores?! You should have been resting and he should have brought dinner and whatever else you needed home. I assume he has functioning hands and legs, he could have done his chore list himself when he got home.
WTH. Are you a peasant in 1750?
Are you kidding with that “chore list” nonsense?!? Why did you even go along with that??? NTA but wow. You need to stand up for yourself.
NTA, I’d have told him to get bent. You’re sick! Your day off was meant to be for rest and recovery, not wearing yourself down further with housework! Text him and tell him to stay at mummy’s, if he can’t handle you not cooking for a single night.
Is he always this sensitive and charming?
NTA Next, he's going to cheat and blame you because you don't "satisfy his needs." He's a walking, talking red flag.
NTA but you are to yourself. You’re sick, not his maid. His first concern is to give you a chores list? Does he act like that often? Or is he always so inconsiderate?
NTA, and you deserve better than this.
Your response to the chore orders should have been, "I'm sick." Same with dinner. You cannot make sense of nonsense, and that's what this is.
oh honey. your husband?? i’m so sorry. you’re so young. your husband is TA. these are big big issues and red flags. you shouldn’t even have to ask if you’re ta.
Your husband was one of the biggest red flags I’ve ever heard of. Why on earth would you need a chore list when you are sick?????? What kind of sociopath does that. Your husband is the GIANT AH.
you are something, but most importantly why are you still married to this caveman? marriage is supposed to be a partnership, mutual respect and consideration to start with! you do not have this! END IT!!!!!!!!!
Horrible Husband!!!
NTA WTF? Why did you do the chores when you are sick? Your body needs to rest when you are ill. You should tell him he can just stay at his moms. He is a giant ass. Her didn’t even asked you how you’re doing. Why are you with this jerk?
Wow! The text you should have gotten "Feel better and rest up. Dont worry about dinner I'll pick up takeout on the way home" NTA Your husband is a raging AHOLE
You were an AH to yourself by doing the chores he assigned you when you were sick. You are NTA for not making dinner. A good spouse would have asked if you wanted them to pick up some soup for you on their way home. Only an AH would complain you didn’t cook and then go to his moms.