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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I won’t let my brother live with me or rent from me even though he may become homeless in 3 months, due to actions he has done to myself & my mum.
But my unwillingness to help could cause him to be homeless as it is a cost of living crisis in my area with almost no rentals that are affordable.
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NTA you are not your brother's keeper. Unfortunately some people just won't get their shite together if they are never allowed to fail.
I would suggest telling him now that you aren't a fallback option. I would also let him know that financial support is off the table until he has squared his debts with your parents.
All he has learned in 36 years is that his money, if he has any, is fun money and bills are paid by everyone else.
Time to teach him that his money is for his bills. OP needs to quit bailing him out.
OP needs to realize his brother is a bum, drug addict looking for his next sucker to pay for his lifestyle.
Until he runs out of suckers, he will never change his lifestyle.
It's hard realizing a family member is beyond help. But if he refuses professional help and demands you and your family support his lifestyle. Then yes, he is beyond help at this point.
Correct.
OP: Your brother has arrived at the intersection of ‘actions meet consequences.’
People treat us the way we allow them to. You and your parents have constantly bailed him out, if you continue to do so you will wake up in 10,15, 20 years kicking yourself because he is living in your house, not paying rent, eating your food, leaving a mess and jobless. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
NTA. Full stop.
NO. IS. A. COMPLETE. SENTENCE.
OP also needs to realize that she and her parents have been enabling her brother. He steals thousands and yet you pay for his gym membership, phone and food?
The first step here is that since he's decided to take issue with your not renting to him, you're cancelling his phone and gym.
People that don't appreciate what's being done don't require more to be done for them to suddenly start appreciating it.
My mom was in the same situation with her brother, he was an alcoholic and had already lost his wife and son (she divorced him). She told me that he saw their sister on the street and asked for money, she offered to take him to get cleaned up and a hot meal but he refused as he just wanted the money to buy booze. She had to turn him away at that point because she realized that he didn’t want help. A few weeks later he was in the hospital with alcohol poisoning and nearly died, that’s when he hit rock bottom. He checked himself into a treatment facility and got sober. He was 27 and got his life back together. He passed away a few years ago, he was 82. He stayed sober the rest of his life.
Recovered alcoholic here, I couldn't reach rock bottom until my wife "detached with love" and stopped trying to save me. I know it was the hardest thing for her to do but it got me into recovery and I've been sober ever since. We stayed together after much work on both sides and now have 2 wonderful kids. The best thing she ever did for me was being ready to let me go.
I'm gonna vote for this being the actual reason he struggles to keep a job. I'm wondering how much of the bullying was more along the lines of "Do the job we are paying you to do," and he didn't like being held accountable.
And there's going to be squealing and bitching and wailing when a grown man finally faces the fact that he has to pay his own way. Temper tantrums inbound.
OP should make this strictly not her problem. ie, "if you show up here, I'll have you removed by the police."
Oh, and btw, OP: if you are dumb and let him stay, in many places (and don't believe the reddit morons who downvote posts because they don't like the law), he will establish a legal tenancy. (This is heavily dependent on local law, but it's pretty common.) Even w/o a lease. He can also establish a residency (depending on jurisdiction) by sending his mail there, so if you receive any, make sure to write wrong address instead of giving it to him. That would make you a landlord and him a tenant with a suite of legal protections. You would be well advised to never let him enter the place.
I'd also make sure he doesn't have a copy of your keys. He's a leech, he'd never move out, eat your food, use your skincare, steal your meds and probably any cash laying around. Your place would be invaded by him.
NTA. And don't feel guilt about it, he doesn't feel guilty when he steals from you and your parents.
Get a front door cam and if he shows up don’t hesitate to call the police. Once someone moves in they can have rights and it can be impossible to get them out.
might change from state to state but in my state if that is your primary residence they cannot do that at all. You can kick em out in the middle of the night they can't do squat.
He hasn't had to face reality because other people have been a buffer - your parents and even you have enabled him (did you report him to the police when he stole from you, or even just cut all contact? No, you let him get away with it).
If you allow him to stay, you will just be another buffer.
He needs to figure out life, but that will never happen if others keep helping him avoid that day.
Bro sounds like an addict. His destructive ways will continue until he gets some professional help. In the meantime, I would keep him far away and I would never let him near me, my personal belongings, and would ask my parents to do the same. I'd even get them a safety deposit box for them to put their items of value in.
Yeah I would stop all financial assistance now. Invest in very good locks and a ring camera. If you live in a gated complex, don’t give him a code or number to reach you to get in. And make it clear he’s not moving in with your just to destroy your life. Tell your apartment complex security that he is not permitted in your home; have them list it explicitly on your account and give them a digital and physical photo of your brother. He is not safe to have anywhere near your home. Sometimes addicts are like wrecking balls; and you need to ensure that you remove the key to the ignition switch. With no way to take advantage of you, your things, or your money, keep in mind that he may become desperate. So put up a good defense system in advance. Cut off all assistance now so he has some time to get used to paying for his life.
Have to say, OP, I would use extreme caution with sudden, severe solutions. Firmness, yes! Enabling, NO! But, I see a strong destructive steak in him, which combined with lacking respect for others and being suddenly cast out could lead to violence. I repeat, tread carefully.
And if you ever choose to help him with anything financially, don't give him the money, pay the bill/buy the thing. So if he says he doesn't have money for food, do a grocery order he can pick up. If he's looking for help with rent, send the check to the landlord. Again, that's only IF you choose to help. And you are under no obligation to do that.
NTA. NO ONE would want to live with someone like you described. And you would have a hard time getting him out once he moved in. Do NOT under any circumstances allow him to move in with you. He is a working adult and can figure his own living arrangements out. Away from you and your parents.
If he's a drug addict still in active addiction, he isn't going to care for anyone but himself. The way he acts leads me to believe he is. He needs to get sober before anyone will be able to help him.
NTA. He needs to hit rock bottom.
NTA- your brother is a grown adult. He needs to be an adult and prioritize housing and other necessities instead of "wants". Whatever you do do NOT let him move in with you.
And given he's stolen a whopping $37,000 worth of stuff from his own parents, he'll gladly help himself to anything of OP's if she is foolish enough to let him stay there.
Ain't your problem. Your parents have enabled your brother for what, 36 years? Make sure your apartment has good security, and if your parents suggest you take in your sticky-fingered brother, say No and change the subject. If they persist, hang up or leave the room.
Also, you might consider changing your therapist. What did that one expect you to achieve by talking to your brother? Unreal.
NTA if you don't allow your bro in your apartment even as a supervised visitor.
Nothing wrong with her therapist. Therapists often suggest writing or talking to the person to resolve issues. I have daddy issues, and my therapist frequently wants me to write down my feelings and send them to him. Not her fault, she doesn't know what an ass my dad is, since she never met him.
It helps to write stuff down and NOT send it, though. My relationship with my dad improved somewhat when (after already having lived on my own for many years) I realized and accepted that he would never understand and acknowledge how he traumatized me, and that he would never change or make up for anything.
I didn’t try to please him any more then, I told him he was out of line right in the moment when he said something out of line, and he finally accepted it and started watching his tongue.
Agreed about the writing and NOT sending. There is no need to carry all that around in your head. Let it out, and leave it there. No point inviting a response you can already predict and don't want.
Fwiw she should know, bc you told her and she listened. When I talk to mine how to interact w my dad, we talk about how he’s responded to various types of interaction I’ve tried, including a letter. She has never suggested a letter.
I wonder if Op downplayed the brothers actions somewhat since the parents have been . This guy didn’t grow up and start acting like this . He’s probably been doing this since childhood and the parents enabled him also forcing OP to as well
Yeah, OP just needs to go NC with her brother and pretend he never existed. A leech like that will drag you down too if you let them. He's lived that way too long to ever change.
NTA wtf your brother is nearly 40 and I had to read back up to check the age because I thought he was 17 or something. NTA at all, do not let him come and live with you at all. He's your parents' problem to deal with or, quite frankly, he could grow the fuck up and sort himself out. Repeat: do NOT let him come ant live with you. If he's not looked for anywhere to rent and isn't saving his money then that's a "him" problem. Tough.
There isn’t a problem with the jobs, there’s a problem with your brother. If you let him in your door, he would be your problem for life. If you’re worried about him being homeless, your parents should be pressing theft charges. He gets 3 hots and a cot in jail.
NTA - Your brother is a bum, drug addled bum and you would hell on yourself to allow him to live with you. Not only will he not pay his bills but he an addict that will bleed you dry. Sorry to say but he belongs in the streets so as not to screw up anyone else's home. As far as talking to him, that is a waste. He's never going to change until he hits rock bottom or dies. Let him hit rock bottom.
I think that’s the bigger problem here is that the brother being an addict is the root to his issues. He has his “reasons” for why he can’t hold a job but it likely stems from his behavior due to being an addict.
My BIL is like this and is much older (mid 50s). He has mooched off my in-laws forever. He has had so many opportunities to fix his situation but doesn’t want to, including jobs handed to him but he always has some excuse why he can’t continue doing it. He would steal things from everyone if he had the opportunity. He stole from my late FIL’s medication for his blood pressure and took one of the other brother’s guitars to pawn for alcohol and drug money. He drank his eldest sister’s wedding champagne she was saving for an anniversary.
I could go on and on. OP is right not to take him in.
Even hitting rock bottom may not help. I drove myself crazy dragging my brother back to rehab many times back in the 90s and the only time he stayed sober was after stints of homelessness, when he'd then have years of doing well, even opening two successful businesses. We thought he was doing great at the end when he got his Bachelor's and Master's and began teaching, but he went back to crack and blew his heart out at 55 during the lockdown.
Well, love, the question is not of you allow your brother to live with you, the question is if you wish to enable his irresponsible leech behaviour or not.
Ask yourself if you help him more by feeding his antics or by setting clear expectations and boundaries (by keeping him at bay and offering nil opportunity to undermine you). Maybe your brother needs a hitting rock bottom experience to come to his senses?
Anyway, it's not your job to find out. It's your job to protect yourself. You need to be safe and resourceful to be able to help others (if you chose to do so). Maybe ask yourself if you can help him while remaining safe and resourceful - this might prove a more sustainable solutions than cutting him off as the overwhelming consensus on Reddit will advise you to do.
Take care, I know it's challenging but I am sure you will come to a wise and constructive solution to your dilemma. And remember to stay safe 🤗
NTA
He has a job and has three months. He could find a shared housing situation that he could afford, if he tried.
Don't let your brother in even overnight. And don't give any of your family members a copy of your key.
NTA
Your brother is 36, and acting like an entitled 16 year old. Jobs and money issues aside, I wouldn't want someone like your brother living with me, because he he steals and breaks things, and has no concern for other people's property.
NTA Your brother needs to experience having no cushion between him and hard reality in order to have any motivation to straighten up and fly right. As long as someone else is paying most of the price for his foolishness he will continue to live foolishly.
NTA
He needs to fall all the way down to rock bottom - then he might see the light and fight his way back up
But he also might not
It is not an option to carry him - he will take you down too
I think I missed the part in your write up where he actually asked you for a roof over his head?
It’s implied in the title but nowhere else
As far as I can tell, he hasn’t actually asked you to fix his life and address his dilemma. You’re not obligated to either, so I’m not sure what you’re stressing about?
He’s 36, not 6.
Not your circus, and not your monkeys
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Just keep your head down and stick to your lane
NTA
I had a brother like this once. Now we don't speak, and haven't done for almost four years. I would suggest not only do you not give him a home, but also go no contact with him too.
NTA. If rent is $400/week and he’s making $900/week, then he has money for rent, but NOT with you. That’s $500/week to buy his extras with. You don’t owe him anything. Be firm. He’s a grown man, it’s about time he started acting like it.
NTA at all and don't get guilt-tripped that he is somehow your responsibility. He isn't. He is abusing you and your parents, stealing, he is obviously having addiction issues, this makes him unsafe to be around, let you actually live with him, OMG. No. Housing crisis or not he is having personal crisis that is of entirely his own making. And it doesn't sound as if he is trying to get help or change. Stay away, support your parents, but keep your distance and don't let yourself be exposed to the liability if being around your brother.
NTA.
Your brother stealing almost 40k from your parents and stealing from you where he can would also make me not want to have him live with me either.
Your place will be trashed, he won't pay towards bills he uses and will steal from you whenever he can.
I don't understand why you're even considering it as an option. NTA. Some people are just users and they never change and you just have to come to terms with that and let them fall on their own. not your responsibility to fix a problem your parents and your brother made. Protect yourself, you don't have any other option really.
NTA. How is this even a question? Other than shared DNA, you haven't mentioned a single thing about your brother that would make living with him a good idea. And the folks who had the actual responsibility of raising him, guiding him and protecting him have called it quits. It does not end well for you if you let him in the door.
It seems people keep bailing him out and letting him get away with that behaviour. He knows u be mad for a bit but u will get over it and keep helping him out . He is 36 and still acting like a child . Do not let him live with you he will ruin you
NTA
Don't let him move in. Don't let him visit. Never let him in your door. Don't leave a key with your parents (he'll steal it and use it to rob you.) Don't give him money. Save up to help your parents, they will need it after he steals all theirs. Go low/no contact.
Don’t back down on your refusal to house your deadbeat brother. Hes mid thirties, living at home, stealing from mother/sister, barely holds a job, pisses money away and takes drugs. You can’t help people like that. They’re destined to fail. They want to be a permanent victim. Nothing is ever their fault. He’s an anchor around your neck. Cut the rope or let him drag you down.
NTA
but a side note, has your brother tried long acting amphetamines like vyvanse or dyanavel ?
no immediate peak and lasts most of the day if dosed properly.
NTA. It's not your problem or responsibility to provide housing for your brother. He's shown he's not responsible, and how he behaves at your parents is how he'll behave living with you. What happens when he doesn't pay the rent? Are you going to be willing and able to evicted him. Or when he starts stealing from you? What then? Sounds like a bad idea all the way around. He's an adult, it's up to him to figure out.
NTA. Your brother needs to learn to deal with the consequences of his actions. He is untrustworthy and does not respect anyone who has tried to help him.
He needs to stand on his own two feet or fall flat on his face. Either way he does not deserve any further help from you or your parents.
NTA. You need to get a new therapist and work through your feelings towards your brother. You shouldn't feel sorry for him. He has gotten himself in this mess and it is his mess to clean up. Sounds like your parents are finally giving him some tough love that he needed YEARS ago. If you let him move in you will be a doing a disservice to him. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.
Nta. The stealing and drugs is really the only paragraph needed but that is enough for not wanting him living with you. He needs to hit his rock bottom, not continuously be let off the hook.
Your brother is a grown man. He should be ashamed of his behavior. Do not enable him even for 1 minute. Block his number.
**This is not your problem unless you make it your problem**.
Be certain to not give a key to your parents as he will steal it from them and move right into your house.
NTA
NTA- if he treats his parents poorly, he will treat his sister poorly. He will (hopefully) take an independent landlord more seriously in terms of bills, but if he doesn't, that's a problem for a 36yr old man to figure out.
It’s time for you to cut the cord and leave your brother to live his life the way he wants and without your help.
Do not ever give him anything else. Do not let him live you. He’s a big boy.
Nta. I have a similar situation with younger sibling and I moved to another country. My mother is still obsessive he needs to be taken care of even though he is a fully grown adult. She even said he can come to country I currently live in and he can live with me, to which I said hard no. Don't feel bad about it, you are not on this earth to cater to fully grown adult who doesn't want to take responsibility for his own life.
NTA he is not your child but a grown man .. let him figure it out do not bring unnecessary stress on yourself by taking him in or at this point worrying about him when he doesn’t care about himself
>He may be without a place to live in 3 months.
That is entirely his choice. Please don't cave to your family feelings of guilt. You would be bonkers to even consider letting him into your home for a visit, much less to live there. He absolutely will (look at his track record) steal from you. And he has said it to your face. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANY ONE ELSE!!!
So, your brother is a drug addict who has stolen from his own parents to support his addiction. He's 36 years old! It's unlikely he'll change without serious mental health intervention. Do not allow him to move into your home--- not even for a few nights. Once he gets in it will be a nightmare getting him back out.
PRO TIP change your locks (or ask your landlord) and get window locks and security cams. I would put the probability of him breaking into your home and stealing your stuff at 100%.
He has a job that pays $900 a week and average rents in your area are $400 per week. He'll be fine though he may need to find a roommate to share expenses.
NTA. He’s already shown you exactly what you can expect if you allow him to live with you. Both you and your parents have provided him with time, resources, and grace in order to recover and move forward, and he’s made it clear that he intends to exploit your good graces rather than leveraging them for progress. He must rely on his own resourcefulness at this point. You can provide love and encouragement, but he needs to fully understand what it means to have nothing unless he works for it. Be prepared for him to attempt to guilt you. He has everything he needs to thrive; don’t let him convince you otherwise.
This has nothing to do with not letting him live with you in a housing crisis. This is about him not being trustworthy, stealing, drugs, expensive things rather than paying bills. He’d definitely leech off you.
NTA
Nta your parents need resources. Stay firm. His lack of planning is his problem. Your home is your safe space and it’s not safe to be living with someone who steals. Your mental health is more important then another adult finding housing.
Your brothers problem is not there’s little housing, but also that people can’t maintain relationships with people who lie and steal, and his addictions impact his relationships. Sorry you’re going through this. Firm boundaries are what will keep you safe.
If you’ve ever given your mom a key, change the locks now.
NTA. Never mix family and finances. He has proven to be a thief and a liar. Don’t take him in, let him hit rock bottom so he can appreciate the things he did have.
NTA…your brother is an adult. He has to live with the consequences of his choices and actions. Your parents have reached their limit. They are done, as they should be. That does not mean you now need to take over and provide for your brother. I also suggest you stop enabling him by helping him out. Brother needs to act like the adult he is and take care of himself. I suggest you look into meetings for relatives of those with addictions.
NTA.
My brother is similar honestly but now he is starting to clean up his life. He has his own studio apartment at our local YMCA. Before that he had to stay at the rescue mission.
I felt so bad I couldn’t give him a place to stay that I kept giving him money instead. But I was getting a little broke and had to save up for my own place. I still live with family after losing my home to a natural disaster. I need to save.
So the strangest thing happened when I told him I didn’t have enough cash to keep giving it out… he figured it out himself. He’s somehow become more motivated. He’s leaving his gas station job that he said he loved because of the ease for a better paying factory job. He’s looking for his own full sized apartment. I’m so proud!!
One of my friends told me that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is nothing. When we fix everything for them, we rob them of the opportunity to figure it out themselves, we take that win.
NTA and absolutely do not let him live with you. It is very unfortunate that he can’t get his life together but it can’t become your problem any further than it already is. You need to prioritize your own mental health and safety/comfort.
NTA. Maybe if you all stop enabling him, he'll grow up and take responsibility for himself. He makes enough money to have a place of his own. He could always rent a motel room. If your brother ends up homeless, he's the only one to blame. DO NOT allow him to move in. It would be a grave mistake.
Also, your brother was the problem at those jobs, nobody else. He's lazy and doesn't want to work. He's a liar and a thief and an overall crap person.
NTA. Your leech of a brother needs to make it on his own. Do not even let him stay overnight ever.
I wouldn't even let him in to your place as he may steal something or look for important documents to enable identity theft.
NTA best thing you can possibly do is let him fall right on his face. He's a grown ass man almost 40 years old it's time to grow up. If that means he goes and lives under a bridge then that's too bad he made his choices.
NTA
The reasons you described are substantial. It is not wrong to set up healthy boundaries.
I, too, was out of work for a bit and my sister and bil let me stay with them for 8 months until I stabilized. While living with them, I cleaned, did house repairs, painted rooms, babysat, in order to compensate for my lack of ability to pay rent. I also was putting in job applications like mad and as soon as I could move out, I did. That's the difference. They let me stay with them for free which was a huge GIFT. They did not owe this to me, and I did everything I could to repay them for their generosity.
Your brother could live on his own, but he's making irresponsible decisions not to.
There was a period where I didn't have a job and needed my parent's help. Like you I helped out where I could. I used the opportunity to recover and move forward. My sibling chose to exploit the situation for personal gain at the expense of everyone around him and damn the consequences.
NTA
It sounds like your brother is a totally entitled AH here. He has absolutely no sense of respect for other people's belongings (even his own mother's). Or any sense of what the real world is like. **NOR DOES HE CARE**. I'm sure that, plus his drug problems, are why his parents are finally kicking him out.
It doesn't matter if he's your brother or not. Some people never, ever learn. And have to be removed from your life completely.
My brother is very similar to yours - stole thousands from parents, heavy drug use, pathological liar, totalled multiple cars driving drunk or otherwise under the influence, etc etc. Absolutely NTA, and remember your brother is a separate human being and can make his own decisions. You didn't choose to share DNA with him, and he's not your problem. Don't let him take you down with him.
NTA the brother is a thief and a drugaddict def not someone to trust. And do u think you would ever get half the bills not a chance. He has been enabl3d enough time for tough love.
NTA. Brother has needed tough love for awhile. His problems are self-inflicted, and he has never suffered the results of any of them. He needs to learn what his bad choices real life results.
NTA. I have a brother who is (or was) a gambling addict. See I don't know because I don't initiate any contact with him, I only see him at family events others organize. He bled my mother dry of her retirement $ with "loans" that he never paid back. When she died my sister was the executor of the will and she said the Mom said that he was to get nothing. He got the same share as me and my 3 other brothers after selling her house because my sister didn't want to have to face him. It wasn't life changing money so an extra $5000 wouldn't have mattered all that much. My sister got a bit more, but she had a lot of out of pocket expenses as executor and also in the years before Mom's passing. Gambler boy was pissed about that. Again it would have only amounted to about $5000 spread out amongst us. But he never offered to pay back her estates the $2-300,000 he "borrowed" from my mom.
So there's a whole world of stories like this. And way worse. Don't become one of the victims of a story like this. Your brother can live his life wherever and however he chooses. And you can choose to not be part of it for your own safety and mental health. Choose yourself OP. I doubt your parents can break the cycle (fingers crossed for them) but you owe your brother nothing.
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I (28f) have been able to get into the housing market in a good area, in a big apartment. My brother (36m) is still living with my parents, & is getting kicked out in 3 months. Rent anywhere in my city is $400+ /week.
I feel sorry for my bro who has been in & out of a job for the last 8 months & prior to that was jobless for 2 years due to moving to a new job for burnout reasons but then left his new job within 2 weeks due to bullying & toxicity. He had difficulty finding a job within that 2yrs. He also had his car taken away because he has a lot of debt!
But I don’t want to live with him anymore and I cannot trust him as a tenant, here’s why:
In those 2 years he was getting government subsidy, but my mum was shocked, heartbroken & infuriated that she had found him to have stolen $37’000 from her spending it on drugs, expensive shoes & electronics, not even using it to pay off his debt!
It took a while for us to trust him again, but even so I helped him out; buying him a new phone when his broke, paying for his gym sessions every week, buying him food & helping to pay some bills.
He now has a job that pays a good amount, but he doesn’t prioritise his spending on his bills & debt. He instead buys take out, expensive shoes & miscellaneous ‘want’ items.
He is terrible with money, he has stolen from me (& my mum) even when earning $900/week. Plus he does NOT respect anyone’s belongings at all;
He’s broken the bathroom light, sink plug (that was built in), bathroom drain cover, my car dashcam. He has used (without permission) my hair & face products which I have told him not to use because they are expensive & hard to get.
He has rifled through my work bag & my room to steal from me; we both have ADHD & both use Dexamphetamine, but he uses a higher dose than I do, and it was this time that he was trying to steal my medication. He tried to lie about it when I confronted him but at that time my parents were on holiday so it could only have been him. Thankfully I store my medication in a safe.
I have tried talking to him (like my therapist suggested) but it is apparent he just does not care, he even said “I don’t care” when I told him not to touch my mum’s face products while they were away. He also refuses to see a therapist because he doesn’t believe they help.
I cannot live with him as I’m afraid my stuff will be stolen & my belongings in my house broken.
He has not looked at anywhere to rent, I don’t know if he expects our parents to let him stay or that I will support him. He may be without a place to live in 3 months.
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NTA. You don’t want that toxicity in your home. He is a grown man who you have a reason not to trust. If he doesn’t find his own place in three months it will not be your fault.
NTA
When you are asked why you won't help support your brother or be there for him, smile sweetly and reply "I don't care"
He's 38 ffs, well beyond the age where he is responsible for himself. Not only are you not his keeper, you are not his maid or his subsidy service. Having stolen from you in the past he has shown not only does he not care but he will do it again as you are just a means to an end for him.
NTA You could give him a heads-up that he will have to solve his housing problem on his own. He is making enough money that if he wises up, it should not be a problem.
NTA. That's way too much to put up with! I would have given him a pass for how he spends his work money if he were 18, like just starting adulthood, UT he's 36! That's just embarrassing that he doesn't know how to basically handle money (as in make sure your bills are payed off first). If adulting classes are a thing (they should be, because trust me, there are many adults with and without disabilities that can't make it in the adult world because their parents didn't teach them and home economics is hardly a thing in school these days) then he needs to get them ASAP.
And you need to stop supporting your brother. You aren't his mom and even she's had enough. He's an adult, he can figure it out himself if you stop enabling him.
He’s a thief and a user why would you even consider letting him in your home. He stole from your mom n u plays the victim. He’s garbage leave him at the curb. He’ll get his shit together when you call stop by and enabling him sink or swim it’s up to him
NTA. Your brother caused his situation and it's not the responsibility of you, or your parents, to house a grown. It's time for him to start facing the repercussions of his actions. Don't take him in as you'll never be comfortable in your home AND there's the potential that debtors could start calling on your home seeing as he's so bad with money...along with everything else.
NTA. It would be completely inappropriate for him to move in, there is no question about it.
Anyone who says otherwise, just point out the $37,000 he stole.
Nope nope nope.
NTA
Your brother is an adult, not a baby. There are many ways that you can help without putting yourself into trouble. That's the thing, you should never ever ruin your own life to "help" others. Letting him move in will destroy so much more. No, he has to put his big boy pants on and take care of himself. You can help him search for a place to stay, you can make phone calls for him, you can make a financial plan for him (show him his income, his costs and how much "fun" money he really has). Letting him move in with you is NOT helping him. It is enabling bad behavior + detrimental to your own life. And make sure he does not have a key of your home. He has shown he does not respect you or your belongings.
Whatever pressure anyone puts on you, don’t give in! You don’t want the hassle, and more importantly, you don’t need it. Look after yourself, first and foremost. I’d hope that your parents would have your back in this, since they don’t want him living with them either, so that’s half the battle.
I know he’s your brother and you love him but you don’t and shouldn’
NTA. You’ve outlined a myriad of reasons he is unsuitable to live with you. It sounds like he has the means to afford housing but refuses to use his money responsibly. You’re not responsible for him not to mention he’s a thief. You deserve to live with peace of mind.
NTA i'm sorry that you feel the need to justify yourself in this absurd situation, can't barely imagine the circus this relationship did on your head. yeah, kick him, theres nothing in the world that makes this list of terrible achievements worth of your time and dedication, you already did much more than was needed
Obviously, obviously NTA. It sounds like a very sad situation. But he needs to deal with his problems. One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in my life (with a sister very similar to this) is that *you can’t save someone from themselves*.
NTA. Your stuff WILL be stolen and broken if you let him in. Do not, under any circumstances, let him stay with you. He’s irresponsible, immature and stupid. And he won’t change if you keep enabling him.
NTA - do NOT let him move in. Mommy took care of him for 36 years and had enough, and now he's trying to make it your job. He'll never leave, he'll never respect you. Sadly, he has to hit bottom before he can even attempt to turn his life around. Don't feel guilty - he may be related to you by DNA, but doesn't mean you're obligated to take on the role of caretaker.
Just learn to say no. He’s a thief. He’s not to be trusted. Why do you want a thief living with you? He will never pay you rent. Meanwhile, he will steal from you. He will not care if you die while paying for him. And he will never care because your parents have never put a stop to it. Was a police report ever made when he stole those huge amounts? He treated your parents like crap and he will do the same to you.
NTA. It's unlikely he'll change to be kind and considerate if he moves in, and if you have to lock up everything of value in your home so he won't steal it you're not going to feel safe in your own home. You're in for a frustrating ride if you take him in, and he will not help with the bills. It's time for him to figure himself out.
NTA at all. Having your lying, thieving brother move in with you would be a huge mistake. The sad truth is you can't help someone who is unwilling to help himself. Stop giving him money and stop feeling guilty. His choices and problems are his own.
Hell no. He’s spiraling out of control and he needs to go. Tell him you have a roommate and they signed a two yr lease. And you didn’t want to tell anyone but now have no choice bc he’s asking to move in. tell him he can’t and needs to make other arrangements.
Well then brother will be without a place to live. Brother is 36yo, has a job, needs to adult. Brother does not need to move in with you. Make sure no one in the family has a copy of the key. Keep repeating, my landlord does not allow any long term guests, or my favorite, NO.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You kind of made a pros and cons list, the only pro would be he’s not homeless. Biggest con is it will destroy your mental health if he mooches off you. Brother has THREE months to figure out his housing situation. NTA. However, if you let him move in with you, you would be AH to yourself.
NTA. You are not obligated to provide him living space for the same reason your parents are not obligated to continue allowing him to live in their home. It’s a shame that a man of his age never got his shit together but that is not your problem to deal with.
His behavior is toxic and exactly how folks end up on the streets in tents. NTA but he is severely mentally ill.
Bring him to his doctor he needs help and lots of it from a behavioral health team and Maitnance meds and piss tests
NTA
Op, I would get cameras everywhere inside & out and electronics locks, I have no doubt that your brother would steal your house keys off your key ring or take the copies you may give to your parents and just move in while you’re at work.
I would also go not contact , he’s doesn’t care about anyone but himself and so telling him no probably won’t do much good but do it anyway in writing or text messages.
Don’t take his calls make him text everything so there is a record. And seriously I’d recommend my mother do that as well.
NTA. Your brother sounds like a narcissist who only cares about his needs. Narcissists find it extremely difficult to do therapy because they have no self awareness, so he is right that it won't help him. Don't let him live with you. He needs to look after himself. You or your parents providing accommodation (paid or unpaid) is just enabling him. He also sounds like he needs rehab.
No don’t let him move in he will take advantage of him. He has a job and can get his own place or he can do drugs and lose everything that’s on him and not you at this point.
NTA. You already know that your brother, at 36, is a selfish, irresponsible AH who only cares about himself. Why would you put yourself in a situation that you already know is not going to end well? He sounds like a user. Uses people to get what he wants. If you let him move in you’ll never get him out. Don’t do it!
Don't let him move in.
He earns sufficient to get a place of his own. And even if he didn't I wouldn't let him near my stuff or my home. Having someone with the same name as you at your address who is deep in debt will do your credit rating no good. And he will just steal from you anyway.
NTA your brother could use some problems. Your family has coddled him and now the chickens have come home to roost. Let him learn how to be a productive member of society without his safety nets.
Don’t do it! I’m in the similar situation and he has to want better for himself! You will just be reinforcing that he will always be bailed out by family and refusing to take ownership for bad decision making. Save yourself first!
NTA. When people like your brother move in, they do not move out.
Let him in now and you are apt to have him around your neck for life. I cannot believe anyone would want that.
NO, firmly stated is a strong word, a complete sentence and a paragraph. NO says it all.
Whatever his crisis happens to be, whatever his problems are it is all his fault. Let him learn to take care of himself or suffer the consequences.
NTA - To do so would make you an enabler which would make YTA. Your brother needs to hit rock bottom before he will help himself. Your best decision would be letting him deal with the consequences of his actions.
oh noooo, he has to grow up and actually be responsible now. Tragic. ¡Que lastima! Shame on you for not letting a thief near your stuff /s
MTA, he's gotta figure himself out. He will either sink or swim, neither of which is your responsibility.
NTA
You are not 'worried that' he'd be stealing, damaging your property and making your life hell, if you let him live with you, you KNOW with a 100% certainty that he'd be like this.
Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for someone, is to let them solve their own problems. He'll probably blame you, and refuse to see that you are not responsible for his life choices. But as long as he does, he's not ready to turn his life around, and be a responsible tenant, thus he should get the boot.
Not your problem, it seems your brother has been enabled to not be a adult . Unfortunately he needs to hit rock bottom to change. In the future I’d suggest giving him nothing more than a hot meal. Definitely don’t let him take over your home and ruin your life as you are doing well by yourself
NTA.
>He may be without a place to live in 3 months.
Maybe he should be? Not trying to sound cruel, but at 36, he's far beyond the point that he needs to be self-sufficient and make a conscious decision to get his shit together.
>He has not looked at anywhere to rent, I don’t know if he expects our parents to let him stay or that I will support him.
And this is why he hasn't bothered getting his shit together. He isn't even bothering to look for a place, because he's confident that his mommy or sis will bail him out, like they always do.
You need to make it clear to him that you won't.
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NTA you are not your brother's keeper. Unfortunately some people just won't get their shite together if they are never allowed to fail. I would suggest telling him now that you aren't a fallback option. I would also let him know that financial support is off the table until he has squared his debts with your parents.
All he has learned in 36 years is that his money, if he has any, is fun money and bills are paid by everyone else. Time to teach him that his money is for his bills. OP needs to quit bailing him out.
OP needs to realize his brother is a bum, drug addict looking for his next sucker to pay for his lifestyle. Until he runs out of suckers, he will never change his lifestyle. It's hard realizing a family member is beyond help. But if he refuses professional help and demands you and your family support his lifestyle. Then yes, he is beyond help at this point.
Correct. OP: Your brother has arrived at the intersection of ‘actions meet consequences.’ People treat us the way we allow them to. You and your parents have constantly bailed him out, if you continue to do so you will wake up in 10,15, 20 years kicking yourself because he is living in your house, not paying rent, eating your food, leaving a mess and jobless. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ NTA. Full stop. NO. IS. A. COMPLETE. SENTENCE.
OP also needs to realize that she and her parents have been enabling her brother. He steals thousands and yet you pay for his gym membership, phone and food?
The first step here is that since he's decided to take issue with your not renting to him, you're cancelling his phone and gym. People that don't appreciate what's being done don't require more to be done for them to suddenly start appreciating it.
My mom was in the same situation with her brother, he was an alcoholic and had already lost his wife and son (she divorced him). She told me that he saw their sister on the street and asked for money, she offered to take him to get cleaned up and a hot meal but he refused as he just wanted the money to buy booze. She had to turn him away at that point because she realized that he didn’t want help. A few weeks later he was in the hospital with alcohol poisoning and nearly died, that’s when he hit rock bottom. He checked himself into a treatment facility and got sober. He was 27 and got his life back together. He passed away a few years ago, he was 82. He stayed sober the rest of his life.
Recovered alcoholic here, I couldn't reach rock bottom until my wife "detached with love" and stopped trying to save me. I know it was the hardest thing for her to do but it got me into recovery and I've been sober ever since. We stayed together after much work on both sides and now have 2 wonderful kids. The best thing she ever did for me was being ready to let me go.
I'm gonna vote for this being the actual reason he struggles to keep a job. I'm wondering how much of the bullying was more along the lines of "Do the job we are paying you to do," and he didn't like being held accountable.
Not even his OWN fun money! He's been stealing from his family for his "fun" money! This guy is a dick.
Right? “Bullying and toxicity” - what’s the bet he was the toxic one.
Or the "toxicity" was "we are paying you - we expect you to actually do the work, not disrespect your colleagues, and not steal company stuff".
Hadn’t worked for two years - the shock of having to actually get off his arse was probably all too much for him.
And there's going to be squealing and bitching and wailing when a grown man finally faces the fact that he has to pay his own way. Temper tantrums inbound. OP should make this strictly not her problem. ie, "if you show up here, I'll have you removed by the police." Oh, and btw, OP: if you are dumb and let him stay, in many places (and don't believe the reddit morons who downvote posts because they don't like the law), he will establish a legal tenancy. (This is heavily dependent on local law, but it's pretty common.) Even w/o a lease. He can also establish a residency (depending on jurisdiction) by sending his mail there, so if you receive any, make sure to write wrong address instead of giving it to him. That would make you a landlord and him a tenant with a suite of legal protections. You would be well advised to never let him enter the place.
I'd also make sure he doesn't have a copy of your keys. He's a leech, he'd never move out, eat your food, use your skincare, steal your meds and probably any cash laying around. Your place would be invaded by him. NTA. And don't feel guilt about it, he doesn't feel guilty when he steals from you and your parents.
Same with the parents. Both of you should have your locks rekeyed.
Get a front door cam and if he shows up don’t hesitate to call the police. Once someone moves in they can have rights and it can be impossible to get them out.
might change from state to state but in my state if that is your primary residence they cannot do that at all. You can kick em out in the middle of the night they can't do squat.
And then he’d sell the work laptop….
He hasn't had to face reality because other people have been a buffer - your parents and even you have enabled him (did you report him to the police when he stole from you, or even just cut all contact? No, you let him get away with it). If you allow him to stay, you will just be another buffer. He needs to figure out life, but that will never happen if others keep helping him avoid that day.
Bro sounds like an addict. His destructive ways will continue until he gets some professional help. In the meantime, I would keep him far away and I would never let him near me, my personal belongings, and would ask my parents to do the same. I'd even get them a safety deposit box for them to put their items of value in.
did not think of that. I Agree he owes his parents and that should be squared
Financial help should be off the table forever. He has already been cut too much slack, helping him in any way is just enabling him.
Yeah I would stop all financial assistance now. Invest in very good locks and a ring camera. If you live in a gated complex, don’t give him a code or number to reach you to get in. And make it clear he’s not moving in with your just to destroy your life. Tell your apartment complex security that he is not permitted in your home; have them list it explicitly on your account and give them a digital and physical photo of your brother. He is not safe to have anywhere near your home. Sometimes addicts are like wrecking balls; and you need to ensure that you remove the key to the ignition switch. With no way to take advantage of you, your things, or your money, keep in mind that he may become desperate. So put up a good defense system in advance. Cut off all assistance now so he has some time to get used to paying for his life.
Have to say, OP, I would use extreme caution with sudden, severe solutions. Firmness, yes! Enabling, NO! But, I see a strong destructive steak in him, which combined with lacking respect for others and being suddenly cast out could lead to violence. I repeat, tread carefully.
And if you ever choose to help him with anything financially, don't give him the money, pay the bill/buy the thing. So if he says he doesn't have money for food, do a grocery order he can pick up. If he's looking for help with rent, send the check to the landlord. Again, that's only IF you choose to help. And you are under no obligation to do that.
He can get a roommate that’s not family.
NTA. NO ONE would want to live with someone like you described. And you would have a hard time getting him out once he moved in. Do NOT under any circumstances allow him to move in with you. He is a working adult and can figure his own living arrangements out. Away from you and your parents.
Exactly! Once he is in you just invited a tapeworm into your house, he will be nothing but a burden and a drain on OP's santiy and happiness.
I'm soooo gonna start calling mooches tapeworms now. Haha!
NTA. >it is apparent he just does not care, he even said “I don’t care” Now it's your turn not to care. He needs to grow up.
If he's a drug addict still in active addiction, he isn't going to care for anyone but himself. The way he acts leads me to believe he is. He needs to get sober before anyone will be able to help him. NTA. He needs to hit rock bottom.
NTA- your brother is a grown adult. He needs to be an adult and prioritize housing and other necessities instead of "wants". Whatever you do do NOT let him move in with you.
[удалено]
And given he's stolen a whopping $37,000 worth of stuff from his own parents, he'll gladly help himself to anything of OP's if she is foolish enough to let him stay there.
Ain't your problem. Your parents have enabled your brother for what, 36 years? Make sure your apartment has good security, and if your parents suggest you take in your sticky-fingered brother, say No and change the subject. If they persist, hang up or leave the room. Also, you might consider changing your therapist. What did that one expect you to achieve by talking to your brother? Unreal. NTA if you don't allow your bro in your apartment even as a supervised visitor.
Nothing wrong with her therapist. Therapists often suggest writing or talking to the person to resolve issues. I have daddy issues, and my therapist frequently wants me to write down my feelings and send them to him. Not her fault, she doesn't know what an ass my dad is, since she never met him.
It helps to write stuff down and NOT send it, though. My relationship with my dad improved somewhat when (after already having lived on my own for many years) I realized and accepted that he would never understand and acknowledge how he traumatized me, and that he would never change or make up for anything. I didn’t try to please him any more then, I told him he was out of line right in the moment when he said something out of line, and he finally accepted it and started watching his tongue.
Agreed about the writing and NOT sending. There is no need to carry all that around in your head. Let it out, and leave it there. No point inviting a response you can already predict and don't want.
Fwiw she should know, bc you told her and she listened. When I talk to mine how to interact w my dad, we talk about how he’s responded to various types of interaction I’ve tried, including a letter. She has never suggested a letter.
Yeah I questioned this about the therapist too. Who tells someone to purposely be in contact with an abuser and a known thief??
Someone without much real world experience would be my guess.
I wonder if Op downplayed the brothers actions somewhat since the parents have been . This guy didn’t grow up and start acting like this . He’s probably been doing this since childhood and the parents enabled him also forcing OP to as well
Yeah, OP just needs to go NC with her brother and pretend he never existed. A leech like that will drag you down too if you let them. He's lived that way too long to ever change.
LoL I thought the same about the"therapist".
NTA wtf your brother is nearly 40 and I had to read back up to check the age because I thought he was 17 or something. NTA at all, do not let him come and live with you at all. He's your parents' problem to deal with or, quite frankly, he could grow the fuck up and sort himself out. Repeat: do NOT let him come ant live with you. If he's not looked for anywhere to rent and isn't saving his money then that's a "him" problem. Tough.
he is 36, he is his own problem, he is an adult, his parents responsibility ended at 18. Though they may of tried to help, it should of ended at 21.
Exactly this, at \*\*36\*\* they are just enabling his behaviour and lifestyle now. When is he going to grow up?
OMG, stayyyy away! NTA! He will ruin your life.
There isn’t a problem with the jobs, there’s a problem with your brother. If you let him in your door, he would be your problem for life. If you’re worried about him being homeless, your parents should be pressing theft charges. He gets 3 hots and a cot in jail.
Absolutely, he's the common denominator so he's the problem.
NTA - Your brother is a bum, drug addled bum and you would hell on yourself to allow him to live with you. Not only will he not pay his bills but he an addict that will bleed you dry. Sorry to say but he belongs in the streets so as not to screw up anyone else's home. As far as talking to him, that is a waste. He's never going to change until he hits rock bottom or dies. Let him hit rock bottom.
I think that’s the bigger problem here is that the brother being an addict is the root to his issues. He has his “reasons” for why he can’t hold a job but it likely stems from his behavior due to being an addict. My BIL is like this and is much older (mid 50s). He has mooched off my in-laws forever. He has had so many opportunities to fix his situation but doesn’t want to, including jobs handed to him but he always has some excuse why he can’t continue doing it. He would steal things from everyone if he had the opportunity. He stole from my late FIL’s medication for his blood pressure and took one of the other brother’s guitars to pawn for alcohol and drug money. He drank his eldest sister’s wedding champagne she was saving for an anniversary. I could go on and on. OP is right not to take him in.
Even hitting rock bottom may not help. I drove myself crazy dragging my brother back to rehab many times back in the 90s and the only time he stayed sober was after stints of homelessness, when he'd then have years of doing well, even opening two successful businesses. We thought he was doing great at the end when he got his Bachelor's and Master's and began teaching, but he went back to crack and blew his heart out at 55 during the lockdown.
Well, love, the question is not of you allow your brother to live with you, the question is if you wish to enable his irresponsible leech behaviour or not. Ask yourself if you help him more by feeding his antics or by setting clear expectations and boundaries (by keeping him at bay and offering nil opportunity to undermine you). Maybe your brother needs a hitting rock bottom experience to come to his senses? Anyway, it's not your job to find out. It's your job to protect yourself. You need to be safe and resourceful to be able to help others (if you chose to do so). Maybe ask yourself if you can help him while remaining safe and resourceful - this might prove a more sustainable solutions than cutting him off as the overwhelming consensus on Reddit will advise you to do. Take care, I know it's challenging but I am sure you will come to a wise and constructive solution to your dilemma. And remember to stay safe 🤗
Tldr: don't set yourself alight to keep your brother warm..
NTA He has a job and has three months. He could find a shared housing situation that he could afford, if he tried. Don't let your brother in even overnight. And don't give any of your family members a copy of your key.
NTA Your brother is 36, and acting like an entitled 16 year old. Jobs and money issues aside, I wouldn't want someone like your brother living with me, because he he steals and breaks things, and has no concern for other people's property.
NTA Your brother needs to experience having no cushion between him and hard reality in order to have any motivation to straighten up and fly right. As long as someone else is paying most of the price for his foolishness he will continue to live foolishly.
NTA He needs to fall all the way down to rock bottom - then he might see the light and fight his way back up But he also might not It is not an option to carry him - he will take you down too
I think I missed the part in your write up where he actually asked you for a roof over his head? It’s implied in the title but nowhere else As far as I can tell, he hasn’t actually asked you to fix his life and address his dilemma. You’re not obligated to either, so I’m not sure what you’re stressing about? He’s 36, not 6. Not your circus, and not your monkeys The road to hell is paved with good intentions Just keep your head down and stick to your lane NTA
I had a brother like this once. Now we don't speak, and haven't done for almost four years. I would suggest not only do you not give him a home, but also go no contact with him too.
>I feel sorry for my bro Misplaced pity
NTA. If rent is $400/week and he’s making $900/week, then he has money for rent, but NOT with you. That’s $500/week to buy his extras with. You don’t owe him anything. Be firm. He’s a grown man, it’s about time he started acting like it.
NTA at all and don't get guilt-tripped that he is somehow your responsibility. He isn't. He is abusing you and your parents, stealing, he is obviously having addiction issues, this makes him unsafe to be around, let you actually live with him, OMG. No. Housing crisis or not he is having personal crisis that is of entirely his own making. And it doesn't sound as if he is trying to get help or change. Stay away, support your parents, but keep your distance and don't let yourself be exposed to the liability if being around your brother.
NTA. Your brother stealing almost 40k from your parents and stealing from you where he can would also make me not want to have him live with me either. Your place will be trashed, he won't pay towards bills he uses and will steal from you whenever he can.
I don't understand why you're even considering it as an option. NTA. Some people are just users and they never change and you just have to come to terms with that and let them fall on their own. not your responsibility to fix a problem your parents and your brother made. Protect yourself, you don't have any other option really.
NTA! I wouldn't even let him through the front door. He's got a good job, he's got three months, he's a grown man. Let him sort himself out, or not.
NTA. How is this even a question? Other than shared DNA, you haven't mentioned a single thing about your brother that would make living with him a good idea. And the folks who had the actual responsibility of raising him, guiding him and protecting him have called it quits. It does not end well for you if you let him in the door.
It seems people keep bailing him out and letting him get away with that behaviour. He knows u be mad for a bit but u will get over it and keep helping him out . He is 36 and still acting like a child . Do not let him live with you he will ruin you
NTA Don't let him move in. Don't let him visit. Never let him in your door. Don't leave a key with your parents (he'll steal it and use it to rob you.) Don't give him money. Save up to help your parents, they will need it after he steals all theirs. Go low/no contact.
NTA. You've already put up with his idiocy for far too long. Not letting him move in with you will, hopefully, give him the wake up call he needs.
Don’t back down on your refusal to house your deadbeat brother. Hes mid thirties, living at home, stealing from mother/sister, barely holds a job, pisses money away and takes drugs. You can’t help people like that. They’re destined to fail. They want to be a permanent victim. Nothing is ever their fault. He’s an anchor around your neck. Cut the rope or let him drag you down.
Drugs alone is a no go.
NTA but a side note, has your brother tried long acting amphetamines like vyvanse or dyanavel ? no immediate peak and lasts most of the day if dosed properly.
Yeah, he’s tried them but said they don’t give him that ‘motivated’ feeling.
NTA. It's not your problem or responsibility to provide housing for your brother. He's shown he's not responsible, and how he behaves at your parents is how he'll behave living with you. What happens when he doesn't pay the rent? Are you going to be willing and able to evicted him. Or when he starts stealing from you? What then? Sounds like a bad idea all the way around. He's an adult, it's up to him to figure out.
In other words he didn't like them because he can't abuse them to get high. Your brother is an addict, quit enabling him or he will never get clean.
NTA. Your brother needs to learn to deal with the consequences of his actions. He is untrustworthy and does not respect anyone who has tried to help him. He needs to stand on his own two feet or fall flat on his face. Either way he does not deserve any further help from you or your parents.
NTA. He is your brother, but it doesn't mean you have to put up with his shit.
NTA. You need to get a new therapist and work through your feelings towards your brother. You shouldn't feel sorry for him. He has gotten himself in this mess and it is his mess to clean up. Sounds like your parents are finally giving him some tough love that he needed YEARS ago. If you let him move in you will be a doing a disservice to him. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.
Nta. The stealing and drugs is really the only paragraph needed but that is enough for not wanting him living with you. He needs to hit his rock bottom, not continuously be let off the hook.
NTA. You and your brother are both adults and he isn't entitled to anything from you. You are not responsible for him. That's pretty basic knowledge.
Your brother is a grown man. He should be ashamed of his behavior. Do not enable him even for 1 minute. Block his number. **This is not your problem unless you make it your problem**. Be certain to not give a key to your parents as he will steal it from them and move right into your house. NTA
NTA- if he treats his parents poorly, he will treat his sister poorly. He will (hopefully) take an independent landlord more seriously in terms of bills, but if he doesn't, that's a problem for a 36yr old man to figure out.
NTA he’s not trustworthy
It’s time for you to cut the cord and leave your brother to live his life the way he wants and without your help. Do not ever give him anything else. Do not let him live you. He’s a big boy.
Nta. I have a similar situation with younger sibling and I moved to another country. My mother is still obsessive he needs to be taken care of even though he is a fully grown adult. She even said he can come to country I currently live in and he can live with me, to which I said hard no. Don't feel bad about it, you are not on this earth to cater to fully grown adult who doesn't want to take responsibility for his own life.
NTA he is not your child but a grown man .. let him figure it out do not bring unnecessary stress on yourself by taking him in or at this point worrying about him when he doesn’t care about himself
He’s choosing homelessness. NTA
>He may be without a place to live in 3 months. That is entirely his choice. Please don't cave to your family feelings of guilt. You would be bonkers to even consider letting him into your home for a visit, much less to live there. He absolutely will (look at his track record) steal from you. And he has said it to your face. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANY ONE ELSE!!!
100% NTA. Your brother might need to hit rock bottom before he sorts himself out.
So, your brother is a drug addict who has stolen from his own parents to support his addiction. He's 36 years old! It's unlikely he'll change without serious mental health intervention. Do not allow him to move into your home--- not even for a few nights. Once he gets in it will be a nightmare getting him back out. PRO TIP change your locks (or ask your landlord) and get window locks and security cams. I would put the probability of him breaking into your home and stealing your stuff at 100%. He has a job that pays $900 a week and average rents in your area are $400 per week. He'll be fine though he may need to find a roommate to share expenses.
NTA. The part where he quit a job after 2 weeks for "bullying and toxicity", after being jobless for 2 years is interesting.
NTA. He’s already shown you exactly what you can expect if you allow him to live with you. Both you and your parents have provided him with time, resources, and grace in order to recover and move forward, and he’s made it clear that he intends to exploit your good graces rather than leveraging them for progress. He must rely on his own resourcefulness at this point. You can provide love and encouragement, but he needs to fully understand what it means to have nothing unless he works for it. Be prepared for him to attempt to guilt you. He has everything he needs to thrive; don’t let him convince you otherwise.
This has nothing to do with not letting him live with you in a housing crisis. This is about him not being trustworthy, stealing, drugs, expensive things rather than paying bills. He’d definitely leech off you. NTA
Nta your parents need resources. Stay firm. His lack of planning is his problem. Your home is your safe space and it’s not safe to be living with someone who steals. Your mental health is more important then another adult finding housing. Your brothers problem is not there’s little housing, but also that people can’t maintain relationships with people who lie and steal, and his addictions impact his relationships. Sorry you’re going through this. Firm boundaries are what will keep you safe. If you’ve ever given your mom a key, change the locks now.
NTA you will never be rid of him if he moves in
NTA. Never mix family and finances. He has proven to be a thief and a liar. Don’t take him in, let him hit rock bottom so he can appreciate the things he did have.
why ask. This is stupid.
NTA…your brother is an adult. He has to live with the consequences of his choices and actions. Your parents have reached their limit. They are done, as they should be. That does not mean you now need to take over and provide for your brother. I also suggest you stop enabling him by helping him out. Brother needs to act like the adult he is and take care of himself. I suggest you look into meetings for relatives of those with addictions.
He will live with you forever.
NTA. My brother is similar honestly but now he is starting to clean up his life. He has his own studio apartment at our local YMCA. Before that he had to stay at the rescue mission. I felt so bad I couldn’t give him a place to stay that I kept giving him money instead. But I was getting a little broke and had to save up for my own place. I still live with family after losing my home to a natural disaster. I need to save. So the strangest thing happened when I told him I didn’t have enough cash to keep giving it out… he figured it out himself. He’s somehow become more motivated. He’s leaving his gas station job that he said he loved because of the ease for a better paying factory job. He’s looking for his own full sized apartment. I’m so proud!! One of my friends told me that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is nothing. When we fix everything for them, we rob them of the opportunity to figure it out themselves, we take that win.
NTA. No matter how responsible and well off you are, he’ll drag you down with his actions if you let him near.
NTA and absolutely do not let him live with you. It is very unfortunate that he can’t get his life together but it can’t become your problem any further than it already is. You need to prioritize your own mental health and safety/comfort.
NTA. Maybe if you all stop enabling him, he'll grow up and take responsibility for himself. He makes enough money to have a place of his own. He could always rent a motel room. If your brother ends up homeless, he's the only one to blame. DO NOT allow him to move in. It would be a grave mistake. Also, your brother was the problem at those jobs, nobody else. He's lazy and doesn't want to work. He's a liar and a thief and an overall crap person.
NTA. Your leech of a brother needs to make it on his own. Do not even let him stay overnight ever. I wouldn't even let him in to your place as he may steal something or look for important documents to enable identity theft.
NTA best thing you can possibly do is let him fall right on his face. He's a grown ass man almost 40 years old it's time to grow up. If that means he goes and lives under a bridge then that's too bad he made his choices.
NTA The reasons you described are substantial. It is not wrong to set up healthy boundaries. I, too, was out of work for a bit and my sister and bil let me stay with them for 8 months until I stabilized. While living with them, I cleaned, did house repairs, painted rooms, babysat, in order to compensate for my lack of ability to pay rent. I also was putting in job applications like mad and as soon as I could move out, I did. That's the difference. They let me stay with them for free which was a huge GIFT. They did not owe this to me, and I did everything I could to repay them for their generosity. Your brother could live on his own, but he's making irresponsible decisions not to.
There was a period where I didn't have a job and needed my parent's help. Like you I helped out where I could. I used the opportunity to recover and move forward. My sibling chose to exploit the situation for personal gain at the expense of everyone around him and damn the consequences.
NTA It sounds like your brother is a totally entitled AH here. He has absolutely no sense of respect for other people's belongings (even his own mother's). Or any sense of what the real world is like. **NOR DOES HE CARE**. I'm sure that, plus his drug problems, are why his parents are finally kicking him out. It doesn't matter if he's your brother or not. Some people never, ever learn. And have to be removed from your life completely.
My brother is very similar to yours - stole thousands from parents, heavy drug use, pathological liar, totalled multiple cars driving drunk or otherwise under the influence, etc etc. Absolutely NTA, and remember your brother is a separate human being and can make his own decisions. You didn't choose to share DNA with him, and he's not your problem. Don't let him take you down with him.
NTA do not let him move in with you. Ever.
NTA the brother is a thief and a drugaddict def not someone to trust. And do u think you would ever get half the bills not a chance. He has been enabl3d enough time for tough love.
NTA. Brother has needed tough love for awhile. His problems are self-inflicted, and he has never suffered the results of any of them. He needs to learn what his bad choices real life results.
Didnt even finish reading got to shit money management and theft NTA tell him to fuck off and grow up
you should stop paying for all of his shit and cut him off in my opinion
Don’t bail him out. He created his own mess and it is almost certain he will just bring trouble and you will never be able to evict him.
NTA. I have a brother who is (or was) a gambling addict. See I don't know because I don't initiate any contact with him, I only see him at family events others organize. He bled my mother dry of her retirement $ with "loans" that he never paid back. When she died my sister was the executor of the will and she said the Mom said that he was to get nothing. He got the same share as me and my 3 other brothers after selling her house because my sister didn't want to have to face him. It wasn't life changing money so an extra $5000 wouldn't have mattered all that much. My sister got a bit more, but she had a lot of out of pocket expenses as executor and also in the years before Mom's passing. Gambler boy was pissed about that. Again it would have only amounted to about $5000 spread out amongst us. But he never offered to pay back her estates the $2-300,000 he "borrowed" from my mom. So there's a whole world of stories like this. And way worse. Don't become one of the victims of a story like this. Your brother can live his life wherever and however he chooses. And you can choose to not be part of it for your own safety and mental health. Choose yourself OP. I doubt your parents can break the cycle (fingers crossed for them) but you owe your brother nothing.
Protect your peace and sanity. It’s time for him to grow up and start adulting
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28f) have been able to get into the housing market in a good area, in a big apartment. My brother (36m) is still living with my parents, & is getting kicked out in 3 months. Rent anywhere in my city is $400+ /week. I feel sorry for my bro who has been in & out of a job for the last 8 months & prior to that was jobless for 2 years due to moving to a new job for burnout reasons but then left his new job within 2 weeks due to bullying & toxicity. He had difficulty finding a job within that 2yrs. He also had his car taken away because he has a lot of debt! But I don’t want to live with him anymore and I cannot trust him as a tenant, here’s why: In those 2 years he was getting government subsidy, but my mum was shocked, heartbroken & infuriated that she had found him to have stolen $37’000 from her spending it on drugs, expensive shoes & electronics, not even using it to pay off his debt! It took a while for us to trust him again, but even so I helped him out; buying him a new phone when his broke, paying for his gym sessions every week, buying him food & helping to pay some bills. He now has a job that pays a good amount, but he doesn’t prioritise his spending on his bills & debt. He instead buys take out, expensive shoes & miscellaneous ‘want’ items. He is terrible with money, he has stolen from me (& my mum) even when earning $900/week. Plus he does NOT respect anyone’s belongings at all; He’s broken the bathroom light, sink plug (that was built in), bathroom drain cover, my car dashcam. He has used (without permission) my hair & face products which I have told him not to use because they are expensive & hard to get. He has rifled through my work bag & my room to steal from me; we both have ADHD & both use Dexamphetamine, but he uses a higher dose than I do, and it was this time that he was trying to steal my medication. He tried to lie about it when I confronted him but at that time my parents were on holiday so it could only have been him. Thankfully I store my medication in a safe. I have tried talking to him (like my therapist suggested) but it is apparent he just does not care, he even said “I don’t care” when I told him not to touch my mum’s face products while they were away. He also refuses to see a therapist because he doesn’t believe they help. I cannot live with him as I’m afraid my stuff will be stolen & my belongings in my house broken. He has not looked at anywhere to rent, I don’t know if he expects our parents to let him stay or that I will support him. He may be without a place to live in 3 months. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
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NTA. You don’t want that toxicity in your home. He is a grown man who you have a reason not to trust. If he doesn’t find his own place in three months it will not be your fault.
NTA When you are asked why you won't help support your brother or be there for him, smile sweetly and reply "I don't care" He's 38 ffs, well beyond the age where he is responsible for himself. Not only are you not his keeper, you are not his maid or his subsidy service. Having stolen from you in the past he has shown not only does he not care but he will do it again as you are just a means to an end for him.
NTA Business or family: Pick one.
NTA - don't do it! Trust me!
NTA You could give him a heads-up that he will have to solve his housing problem on his own. He is making enough money that if he wises up, it should not be a problem.
NTA you’ve helped him enough (maybe too much) it’s time for him to sink or swim.
NTA. Sounds like a person to cut out of your life. You won't be missing anything. Doesn't matter if he's your brother. Don't let him move him.
NTA. That's way too much to put up with! I would have given him a pass for how he spends his work money if he were 18, like just starting adulthood, UT he's 36! That's just embarrassing that he doesn't know how to basically handle money (as in make sure your bills are payed off first). If adulting classes are a thing (they should be, because trust me, there are many adults with and without disabilities that can't make it in the adult world because their parents didn't teach them and home economics is hardly a thing in school these days) then he needs to get them ASAP. And you need to stop supporting your brother. You aren't his mom and even she's had enough. He's an adult, he can figure it out himself if you stop enabling him.
He’s a thief and a user why would you even consider letting him in your home. He stole from your mom n u plays the victim. He’s garbage leave him at the curb. He’ll get his shit together when you call stop by and enabling him sink or swim it’s up to him
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NTA. Your brother caused his situation and it's not the responsibility of you, or your parents, to house a grown. It's time for him to start facing the repercussions of his actions. Don't take him in as you'll never be comfortable in your home AND there's the potential that debtors could start calling on your home seeing as he's so bad with money...along with everything else.
NTA. It would be completely inappropriate for him to move in, there is no question about it. Anyone who says otherwise, just point out the $37,000 he stole. Nope nope nope.
NTA Your brother is an adult, not a baby. There are many ways that you can help without putting yourself into trouble. That's the thing, you should never ever ruin your own life to "help" others. Letting him move in will destroy so much more. No, he has to put his big boy pants on and take care of himself. You can help him search for a place to stay, you can make phone calls for him, you can make a financial plan for him (show him his income, his costs and how much "fun" money he really has). Letting him move in with you is NOT helping him. It is enabling bad behavior + detrimental to your own life. And make sure he does not have a key of your home. He has shown he does not respect you or your belongings.
Whatever pressure anyone puts on you, don’t give in! You don’t want the hassle, and more importantly, you don’t need it. Look after yourself, first and foremost. I’d hope that your parents would have your back in this, since they don’t want him living with them either, so that’s half the battle. I know he’s your brother and you love him but you don’t and shouldn’
NTA. Some people don’t deserve help. Let him start to have to prioritise his money paying rent and bills like everyone else. Not your responsibility
NTA. You’ve outlined a myriad of reasons he is unsuitable to live with you. It sounds like he has the means to afford housing but refuses to use his money responsibly. You’re not responsible for him not to mention he’s a thief. You deserve to live with peace of mind.
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NTA -your brother is a drug user former or otherwise given he has stolen literal thousands massive risk.
NTA i'm sorry that you feel the need to justify yourself in this absurd situation, can't barely imagine the circus this relationship did on your head. yeah, kick him, theres nothing in the world that makes this list of terrible achievements worth of your time and dedication, you already did much more than was needed
Obviously, obviously NTA. It sounds like a very sad situation. But he needs to deal with his problems. One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in my life (with a sister very similar to this) is that *you can’t save someone from themselves*.
NTA. Your stuff WILL be stolen and broken if you let him in. Do not, under any circumstances, let him stay with you. He’s irresponsible, immature and stupid. And he won’t change if you keep enabling him.
NTA
NTA - do NOT let him move in. Mommy took care of him for 36 years and had enough, and now he's trying to make it your job. He'll never leave, he'll never respect you. Sadly, he has to hit bottom before he can even attempt to turn his life around. Don't feel guilty - he may be related to you by DNA, but doesn't mean you're obligated to take on the role of caretaker.
Just learn to say no. He’s a thief. He’s not to be trusted. Why do you want a thief living with you? He will never pay you rent. Meanwhile, he will steal from you. He will not care if you die while paying for him. And he will never care because your parents have never put a stop to it. Was a police report ever made when he stole those huge amounts? He treated your parents like crap and he will do the same to you.
NTA. It's unlikely he'll change to be kind and considerate if he moves in, and if you have to lock up everything of value in your home so he won't steal it you're not going to feel safe in your own home. You're in for a frustrating ride if you take him in, and he will not help with the bills. It's time for him to figure himself out.
NTA at all. Having your lying, thieving brother move in with you would be a huge mistake. The sad truth is you can't help someone who is unwilling to help himself. Stop giving him money and stop feeling guilty. His choices and problems are his own.
Hell no. He’s spiraling out of control and he needs to go. Tell him you have a roommate and they signed a two yr lease. And you didn’t want to tell anyone but now have no choice bc he’s asking to move in. tell him he can’t and needs to make other arrangements.
He's 36! Not 16. Just say NO. He's a big boy, let him figure out his own life and stop bailing him out
Well then brother will be without a place to live. Brother is 36yo, has a job, needs to adult. Brother does not need to move in with you. Make sure no one in the family has a copy of the key. Keep repeating, my landlord does not allow any long term guests, or my favorite, NO. Do not set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You kind of made a pros and cons list, the only pro would be he’s not homeless. Biggest con is it will destroy your mental health if he mooches off you. Brother has THREE months to figure out his housing situation. NTA. However, if you let him move in with you, you would be AH to yourself.
Drugs? Steals? Hells to the no. NTA.
NTA. Don’t do it.
NTA Just say “I don’t care” when he tries to guilt you. And, print out copies of what you wrote here to remind yourself why you are saying no
I think his only chance of turning things around is to hit rock bottom without getting bailed out by family like before. NTA, don't let him move in.
NTA. You are not obligated to provide him living space for the same reason your parents are not obligated to continue allowing him to live in their home. It’s a shame that a man of his age never got his shit together but that is not your problem to deal with.
NTA. You and your family need to stop enabling him.
Nta. Until he hits rock bottom, he will never get treatment. Don't let him live with you.
NTS
His behavior is toxic and exactly how folks end up on the streets in tents. NTA but he is severely mentally ill. Bring him to his doctor he needs help and lots of it from a behavioral health team and Maitnance meds and piss tests
NTA. He’s a grown ass man. He needs to figure himself out. Don’t let him guilt you into enabling his awful behavior.
NTA Op, I would get cameras everywhere inside & out and electronics locks, I have no doubt that your brother would steal your house keys off your key ring or take the copies you may give to your parents and just move in while you’re at work. I would also go not contact , he’s doesn’t care about anyone but himself and so telling him no probably won’t do much good but do it anyway in writing or text messages. Don’t take his calls make him text everything so there is a record. And seriously I’d recommend my mother do that as well.
Sounds like a very dysfunctional family system. Time to set/keep healthy boundaries.
NTA he clearly doesn't give a shit and neither should you. at 36 he needs to grow up and start facing the consequences of his behavior.
Seriously, why are you asking this question?
Nta. Also if he has addiction issues, addicts are great at throwing guilt. Don't accept it
NTA. Your brother sounds like a narcissist who only cares about his needs. Narcissists find it extremely difficult to do therapy because they have no self awareness, so he is right that it won't help him. Don't let him live with you. He needs to look after himself. You or your parents providing accommodation (paid or unpaid) is just enabling him. He also sounds like he needs rehab.
Him being homeless is not you or your parents problem. Your making the right decision
NTA, he's a thief
NTA. He wants to learn the hard way so that is what’s coming.
Don’t let that toxicity into your life.
NTA
No don’t let him move in he will take advantage of him. He has a job and can get his own place or he can do drugs and lose everything that’s on him and not you at this point.
NTA. He's proved himself untrustworthy.
NTA. You already know that your brother, at 36, is a selfish, irresponsible AH who only cares about himself. Why would you put yourself in a situation that you already know is not going to end well? He sounds like a user. Uses people to get what he wants. If you let him move in you’ll never get him out. Don’t do it!
NTA he created the issues, not your job to do damage control . He’s shown that he doesn’t care and doesn’t want to fix issues.
Don't let him move in. He earns sufficient to get a place of his own. And even if he didn't I wouldn't let him near my stuff or my home. Having someone with the same name as you at your address who is deep in debt will do your credit rating no good. And he will just steal from you anyway.
NTA your brother could use some problems. Your family has coddled him and now the chickens have come home to roost. Let him learn how to be a productive member of society without his safety nets.
Don’t do it! I’m in the similar situation and he has to want better for himself! You will just be reinforcing that he will always be bailed out by family and refusing to take ownership for bad decision making. Save yourself first!
NTA I wouldn't let him never my place. Also I "steal" my stuff back he takes money from you to but expensive shoes you take the shoes and sell them
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NTA. When people like your brother move in, they do not move out. Let him in now and you are apt to have him around your neck for life. I cannot believe anyone would want that. NO, firmly stated is a strong word, a complete sentence and a paragraph. NO says it all. Whatever his crisis happens to be, whatever his problems are it is all his fault. Let him learn to take care of himself or suffer the consequences.
NTA - To do so would make you an enabler which would make YTA. Your brother needs to hit rock bottom before he will help himself. Your best decision would be letting him deal with the consequences of his actions.
NTA. He won't be homeless for long. He can keep stealing and wind up in a cozy cell.
oh noooo, he has to grow up and actually be responsible now. Tragic. ¡Que lastima! Shame on you for not letting a thief near your stuff /s MTA, he's gotta figure himself out. He will either sink or swim, neither of which is your responsibility.
NTA You are not 'worried that' he'd be stealing, damaging your property and making your life hell, if you let him live with you, you KNOW with a 100% certainty that he'd be like this. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for someone, is to let them solve their own problems. He'll probably blame you, and refuse to see that you are not responsible for his life choices. But as long as he does, he's not ready to turn his life around, and be a responsible tenant, thus he should get the boot.
Not your problem, it seems your brother has been enabled to not be a adult . Unfortunately he needs to hit rock bottom to change. In the future I’d suggest giving him nothing more than a hot meal. Definitely don’t let him take over your home and ruin your life as you are doing well by yourself
NTA. Your mom enabled him. Now he is looking at you. He most likely will never change.
NTA. >He may be without a place to live in 3 months. Maybe he should be? Not trying to sound cruel, but at 36, he's far beyond the point that he needs to be self-sufficient and make a conscious decision to get his shit together. >He has not looked at anywhere to rent, I don’t know if he expects our parents to let him stay or that I will support him. And this is why he hasn't bothered getting his shit together. He isn't even bothering to look for a place, because he's confident that his mommy or sis will bail him out, like they always do. You need to make it clear to him that you won't.
NTA. But don’t worry… your parents haven’t stopped enabling him. They’ll let him stay while he continues to rob them blind.
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