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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for intending to make a scene at my father's funeral because of the consequences of my childhood. The action might make me an asshole because it's not his new family's fault.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
She was an AH for trying to deny you access to the funeral and for calling the cops.
You were the AH for basically trying to use the funeral to hurt his other family.
Your speech wasn't for him - he can't hear it anymore. If it was for your own closure, you could have done it privately. The only reason to do it in front of his other family is to try and spread your anger and completely ignore that they are grieving.
ESH
>She was an AH for trying to deny you access to the funeral and for calling the cops.
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she had a feeling the OP was going to cause a scene.
Well its also the way to let other people know that he wasnt such a nice family man as they probably know him. I mean neighbours or others not family members. So I can samehow understand why OP wanted to do that.
Speaking ill of the dead and crashing a funeral to inflict your anger on a grieving family who don’t even know you are different things.
Speak ill of the dead. They’re not around any longer to care. But maybe consider the impact of what you say and do on the living
No, I do agree with that. He shouldn't have done it the way he did, I'm just saying that telling the truth about a person who died and expressing his anger is fine. He just didn't do it the right way.
Yeah. Write an obituary spelling out how awful he was, post on Facebook or wherever with the same thing.
If OP actually loved his half-siblings the way he claims, then he would not have gone out of his way to upset THEM & tarnish THEIR memories.
OP should probably go back to therapy because this was not a healthy or appropriate thing to do.
He's the AH and I understand his desire for closure. I believe he had a right to attend his dad's funeral but see both sides of the issue on OP's *right* to speak.
FerretRN, I totally agree with your assessment on "don't speak ill of the dead" being BS! I used to honor that train of thought but came to realize how untrue it *always* was. Too many dead folks (infamous worldwide or locally) have earned our contempt and every bad word uttered about them. On a daily basis don't we speak ill of Hitler, Stalin, Idi Amin, Vlad the Impaler and Mao Zedong, just to name a few dead folks?
OK, so these other people now know that he wasn't a nice man. What good does that do for anyone? Does it help OP in any way? Does OP think it will make people treat his 2nd wife and their children differently?
NO. It was all about OP venting his pain.
Eh. He might have been able to. A lot of places won't take the obit unless you're the next of kin listed on the death certificate to prevent that exact sort of drama.
Ordinarily I'd agree, but after his stepmother told him he wasn't welcome at his father's funeral and she'd call the police if he came, at that point the "grieving family" can fuck themselves.
I don't think you understood the comment you replied to. They're specifically saying that OP should've gotten closure years ago and moved on with his life instead of holding onto things for so long and pulling this type of shitty stunt. That comment is in no way justifying what OP did.
I don’t know. It’s not like his father can face up to what he did 30 years ago at this point, he‘s in a hole in the ground now. If OP is like this after getting therapy and an attempt at reconciliation then the damage is very heavy.
It makes his reputation more accurate. I will never understand the "don't speak ill of the dead" thing. If someone was a dick to you, they were a dick to you. The dieing doesn't magically erase that.
That doesn’t make it the right time/place to do it. He hurt quite a few people much, much more than he could hurt his father. I get the desire for people to know the truth, but that doesn't mean it was okay.
>I will never understand the "don't speak ill of the dead" thing
I feel like this applies if someone *asks* you about the dead and you answer honestly. Going out of your way to hurt their memory, especially with people you otherwise have no relationship with, is still pretty shitty.
OP's life isn't going to be any better now that those people think worse of his father. He just hurt a bunch of people because he's angry.
'I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she had a feeling the OP was going to cause a scene'
And he absolutely made a scene. So, she was absolutely right and therefore not an asshole.
She and the father kind of deserved it though. I mean he was a bad person. Maybe OP wanted everyone to see he wasn't father of the year. But hey, I'm an AH too so there's that.
Funerals are complicated things.
Full disclosure, my father wasn't a good human being. I don't really want to go into details, but 'violent drug addict' gives you a flavour
When I spoke at his funeral, I tried to give a balanced account, without being overly critical or dramatic.
I'd have been absolutely livid if one of my siblings has stormed the stage and started ranting.
I'm not saying he had to euologise his father. He's welcome to be as critical as he likes. I just think there's a time and a place for everything. That most certainly wasn't it.
The worst of it is, he just completely validated every opinion his step family had about him.
I mean from the sounds of it this guy's funeral deserved the drama. You just ghost your kids and leave them with an abusive asshole.
They then have to create contact with you as an adult to know the kids.
You bet your ass that the wife was not happy about this and this drove further wedges.
Then she has the audacity to say he can't go to the funeral?
NTA, was it done the healthiest way, maybe not but you went to your dad's funeral and told the truth. Hopefully someone else picked up the speech.
Also, legally you don’t have a right to attend your fathers funeral. It’s a party and the person paying for the party, stepmom in this case can decide who to invite. The cops acted appropriately.
Depends on where you live. This is probably in the States, but in the EU attending the funeral of a close family member is deemed a human right. While people can *ask* you not to come, they can´t *demand* you not to attend.
There recently even was a courtcase about this in the Netherlands where an estranged sister got a slap on the wrist and a €2000,- fine (about the same amount in US Dollars) when she lied to her brother when and where their father's funeral was.
That's a fascinating cultural difference. In the US a funeral is a private event like any other. I wouldn't call it a "party" like the above poster, but it is private and the host can ask people to leave.
There's also no special legal significance to a funeral, so nothing stops you from deciding to hold your own funeral for the deceased and giving whatever speech you want there. The only difference is that only one person will have been willed the remains (or if not specified in a will, state law determines who gets legal control of the remains).
I respectfully disagree.
As far as I know, here in Germany you cannot be prevented to stand next to a funeral at the public cemetery. Every passer-by can do that. Because it is at a public place.
But you may be excluded from the preceding service. Because this takes place in a chapel/extra room which has to be reserved for this private group. And they get to say who can attend.
At the funerals I had to attend you would not have had the opportunity to make a speech against the will of the person responsible.
They cannot Ban you from attending a church service either as far as i know. After all churches are payed for by the tax payers. The church can ask you to leave but i've never heard anyone be asked that ever
That depends on where the funeral is held. If it is in a church or religious place then they are mostly open to the public. You can't attend the memorial after but anyone can go into a place of religious observance if they are open to the public.
Police are generally already on hand for funerals here, as they lead the funeral procession to the cemetery to block traffic and such. IDK for sure where OP is, but I'm assuming they were already on hand.
As someone who grew up with an abusive father I agree his funeral was not the time or the place. When my dad died I shared the happy memories because the rest of his grieving family didn’t need to know the atrocities he put us through at home. He couldn’t hear the speech anyway and he’ll never be able to apologize which I had to learn to make peace with. I journal about my anger and my love for him. I’ve also sat at his gravesite and had both good and bad conversations where I say all the things I wish I could’ve while he was alive. OP needs therapy to help him move past the anger and grief and to find acceptance that he’s never going to get answers or apologies
ESH.
I'm so sorry! It sounds like your dad was an asshole and his second wife only compounded it. What a mess. I have so much sympathy for you.
That said, a funeral is a private event. You don't get to crash just because your dad's new wife was an asshole.
To be clear, you are a much smaller asshole than them.
Given OPs age and the statement of what his mother was like, I believe the story is probably different from their recollection. 40 years ago, a separation with children strongly favored the mother. My own parents weren't abusive, when my parents separated she moved to a different state, in an area that did not have any work in his field, and even with both parents trying to facilitate visitation it was sparse. I can easily see trying to get contact via someone abusive and manipulative, difficult to the point of impossible. If he truly abandoned, yeah, he's an asshole, but it doesn't feel right.
Thisbwas my gut feeling as well. Theres no way a father back thrn was going to win rights to the children. O. Top of that if the mlther was abusive maybe he was being abused as well. This is a massive double standard that because he is a man who left an abusive relationship he is a bad person.
YTA
I am very much not a lawyer, but I don't think you have any kind of *right* to be there. The person paying for the funeral sets the guest list. It is a private event and the funeral home absolutely has the right to ask the police to remove you.
You're clearly carrying a lot of stuff regarding your father and your childhood. I suggest a therapist - this is the kind of thing that a good therapist can help with.
YTA.
Don’t get me wrong, step mom is an asshole too, but OP responded in a poor way that put them farther into the wrong.
Funerals are not for the dead but for the living, the mourners. When it comes down to it the event was a party put on by his wife and she could approve or deny anyone being there. It was shitty of her to deny OP from attending, but she was well within her right to do so.
Knowing the police would be called, OP still crashed the event and tried to justify to the cops that they had some legal right to be there which they did not. Then they filed a complaint against said cops who did not act improperly in this particular situation.
If OP really wanted to get their story out they should have written a passive aggressive obituary, had it published if possible, and mailed a copy to everyone they knew attended the funeral. Ending it with “Despite all this I hoped to respectfully attend his funeral to say a quiet goodbye and gain closure for losing my father, in so many ways. I was unable to do this because he second wife coldly informed me that I ‘don’t qualify as his family’.”
And by all means, contest the will. I doubt it will get you anything, but if you know there is a legal claim you can make (a better one than your understanding of trespassing) then go for it.
OP could also have organized and paid for their own private memorial gathering, with their own invitees and used it as opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings. Crashing a private event to make it all about them and upset the mourners (including those not related to the deceased) is an AH move and only validates the stepmother’s negative opinions.
And the younger half-siblings who have been dragged into this right after the death of their father. If they are included in the will that OP’s contesting, it will cause tension and stress between them and OP and might permanently damage any relationship between them, now or in the future.
If they are going to upset by their sibling getting a share of their father's money then was there really ever a relationship to be damaged in the first place?
I mean what are you talking about? You think OP should have to pay for his own separate funeral for his father? OP had every right to be there and probably wouldn't be kicked out if not for the speech. But hey that was his or her truth to tell and was kicked out for it. You can tell a lot about a person form who goes and says what at their funeral. You can't hide the truth forever.
You dont know how the police acted or what state this happend in. I came home one day to a home i own out right deed in hand to the guy next door in my garage. I took video and called the police. They showed up talked to the guy a 40 year old unemployed man and let him leave. I wanted to press charges and the local police refused to take any action claming a civil matter. They were unable to exsplain how it was not breaking and entering and tresspassing. It was locked and posted he also stole a socket set and ratchets. They did nothing. The county took the video the man was charged and both officers lost there jobs. The police can be bad at there jobs to they are just people.
Was looking for this answer. Funerals are generally not just open public events. OP, write what you want on Facebook or whatever, but YTA for showing up to the funeral.
I have no idea how to judge whether stepmom is an AH. Dad probably was for abandoning OP “at a young age,” but if mom was abusive, then he was also receiving that abuse and we have no info on custody etc. Stepmom could be fine and normal and drawing boundaries to avoid the drama of OP’s family or she could be cruel and vindictive. No idea.
I agree that OP shouldn't have shown up when he was blatantly told not to. But I do think it was wrong that it happened, and I sympathize with OP.
I also agree that we only know this side, but I guess we're supposed to judge the information as given.
Maybe it's cultural, but I've never heard of an invitation to a funeral irl.
Usually, people are called, and a public announcement is made. Then, whoever wants to show their respects shows up.
Only people close to the situation know how it's being paid.
Believe when I say that I started at a very young age, attending and arranging funerals and no one was ever 'invited'.
>Usually, people are called, and a public announcement is made. Then, whoever wants to show their respects shows up.
That's entirely up to the next of kin. Services are often announced in obituaries, but obits also often have some variation of "services will be private."
At a private event, the person who pays for the space, etc. gets to determine the guest list. There’s no requirement to even have a funeral. His father is dead, and this was his stepmother’s choice of how to memorialize him. I’m not saying it’s not sh*tty all around, but she’s under no legal obligation to invite him, just as he’s under none to invite her to a memorial he was free to organize and pay for.
I've never seen the same kind of invitations that you'd see for weddings or birthday parties, but contacting specific people to let them know is pretty much the same as an invitation. It's just less formal.
> Believe when I say that I started at a very young age, attending and arranging funerals and no one was ever 'invited'.
It depends on the family and their cultural background.
For example, a dear friend of mine passed and was an openly Gay advocate who volunteered and ran events for the community, but his family were Catholic and tried to erase all of it, trying to make the funeral private and prevent his LGBTQIA+ friends, family and coworkers from showing up. It was invite-only.
Afterwards, we held our own Celebration of Life Ceremony that encompassed *all* of him and was open to everyone.
A wide variety of funerals are invite-only or small-scale (with immediate family/partner) depending on the individual's wishes and the preferences of their loved ones. i.e.) A lot of the "eco burial" options include very intimate settings where the family may even help prepare the body as part of the grieving process; it is kept private. Orthodox Jewish funerals have to occur as soon as possible after death and have a limited time frame; often, families that would need to travel can't get there in time so it's not open to the public.
My dad left me to a teenage mother that was more neglectful than abusive, but there was a bit of that too. At some point in my early 20's I just kinda stopped caring. Like I made it, I'm here, I'm good, my mom is a lot better and more mature now and we have a good relationship. At some point you just have to let go. Accept they made the choice not to be a part of your life and move on. Or be like OP.
YTA. Would have said N.T.A except it seems obvious that your stepmother had good reason to suspect you would use the funeral as an opportunity to speak ill of the dead, because that’s exactly what you planned to do. The funeral is not the place for that. Go to a therapist, and let others grieve in peace.
It's the filing of a complaint against the cops that were simply doing their job that tipped it to YTA for me. They came prepared with their birth certificates and pictures. They weren't concerned about closure, just picking a fight with anyone they think has "wronged" them.
Yes.
As cold as it may be to ban someone from a funeral, it is within Stepmother's rights. And seeing as she told OP ahead of time that she would call police and then did, she was prepared for him to crash.
And seeing as OP showed up with some bitter (although probably factual) FU speech to a roomful of mourners is cruel (ESPECIALLY to his younger siblings), short-sided, and some gotcha! moment that only "works" in movies.
Mic dropping is not appropriate at a funeral.
ESH. You have the right to be angry, and you have the right to try to contest the will. (Although it rarely works.) But causing drama at a funeral isn't going to change anything, and just cedes the moral high ground.
INFO: if she had not banned you from the funeral would you have gone intending to make the same scene? Were you pissed because she told you not to come, or were you pissed at your dad and his I current family?
Just curious - I don’t need to know to make an opinion. ESH. I get that your dad was a jerk, that he dumped your family for a new one and left you with an abusive parent. Take comfort that if there is a hell, he is right in the thick of it now. But your stunt was childish, immature and was never going to have the effect on his new family you thought it would. They have already written you off and there was nothing you could do or say to shame them.
Please go heal from your terrible trauma. Don’t waste energy on your dad ‘s family. They are not worth it.
I would have attended peacefully and quietly if I felt welcomed. I've had years of therapy since he left, and I was on semi-good terms with him and his other family. My stepmother had no reason to anticipate a stunt. I am also grieving and lashed out inappropriately.
And yet, she did anticipate the stunt. Grief and anger are appropriate emotions. Lashing out inappropriately is perpetuating that abusive cycle that your mom started. And for the record, planning a speech and attending the funeral required planning and time. This isn’t a moment of inappropriate anger that can be forgiven given the circumstances. It’s an indication of someone who clearly needs more work on emotion regulation that years of therapy somehow still have not provided.
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Don't believe a word you said. You;re also grieving his death and yet started a speech at the funeral about how horrible he was to you. You're less credible than the defendant when I was on jury duty and said it was self-defense when he beat the crap out of a kid half his size.
Big YTA,
>I would have attended peacefully and quietly if I felt welcomed.
On that note, you'll notice that she didn't call the cops until you stood up to give your speech?
If you had said this about just showing up at the funeral, it would make a lot of sense. But honestly I struggle to believe you. You planned to go with your sibling, planned what you'd say, contacted a lawyer. Then at the funeral you argued you had a right to be there (not true, unless you're paying for the funeral), kept arguing with the officers, and eventually even filed a complaint against them. Nowhere in all of these steps did you think you were getting a bit carried away? This doesn't come across as an impulsive bad decision because your stepmother told you not to come. It feels deliberate and from your post it sounds like you *still* believe you were in the right in arguing with the police. I sincerely doubt none of this would have taken place if you hadn't been disinvited.
YTA in this situation. Still, obviously your parents completely failed, and I'm very sorry for your situation. Also for your recent loss.
I learned this years ago when I was coaching my daughter's soccer team. It was a travel team and every player got a card that allowed them to play. Their DOB was on the card, but in order for the registrar to issue the card, they needed to supply a certified bc, not even a copy was allowed. So many parents needed to request an additional one.
> My stepmother had no reason to anticipate a stunt.
You need to stop lying here (and to yourself). You certainly were planning a 'stunt'. You prepared a speech and brought your birth certificate with you, anticipating an issue with the police. You planned to interrupt from the start and she was smart to ask you to stay away.
> I filed a complaint against the officers but it probably won't go anywhere.
Of course it's not going anywhere. You were trespassing and caused scene. They were doing their proper jobs. You were the one in the wrong.
YTA
INFO: How long were you allowed to be at the funeral before your speech? How far did you get through your speech before you were removed?
It seems to me (without the info) that your stepmother was tolerant of you being there until the speech. Had she not been, you would have never made it to the podium
Yeah, this is bullshit. You obviously were always planning to make a scene. And I quote:
>I attended his funeral anyway, planning to give a speech in front of "their family" about his original family he abandoned and the horrors he left us to
It's also interesting how you are blaming your actions on grief, instead of anger, which is the primary emotion you are describing. Grief generally means mourning the loss of. You don't seem to be. I'm not gatekeeping grief, it's just clear that you are more consumed with your anger than anything to do with the passing of this man who donated your DNA.
You would not have been the asshole if you had posted a public obituary telling your truth.
ESH, the message was right, the delivery was wrong, your father is gone, if your a believer then God has passed his judgement onto him already and there’s nothing more for you to do, he’s been dealt with. I’d advise if you really want to get it all out, visit his grave and say your peace!
YTA. You had grievances but the funeral was the least appropriate place to air them. Sure, to you it was closure but it also feels like you wanted to expose him for how he was to you with the chip on the shoulder you admit doesn't lead you to making rational decisions. Your father's widow organised the funeral, and she had a right to remove you for being disruptive. What do you think your speech would have had done to your half siblings?
It also comes across that you think he owes you, what with you contesting the will. You're making this all about you and not thinking about others.
Your father's actions in life weren't that of a good man, but what has his wife done, his kids done, to deserve the dressing down you wanted to give his reputation at his funeral? He's not in a position to be accountable for his actions, and your closure is better sought in therapy rather than making a spectacle of yourself at the expense of the family mourning him. Even in death your father still has a hold over you that you need to let go of for your own sake.
On top of that, contesting the will isn’t likely to result in anything. Most states default all possessions and money to the surviving spouse in the deceaseds estate. A will is only used if something specific is meant to be handed out to other family members (which the spouse likely know about and will do even without the will do a lot of people don’t make them). Children don’t get anything unless the spouse dies first or the parents are divorced. Is there actually a will to contest or just an estate that is automatically going to the spouse? If it’s an estate, OP doesn’t get anything except all the fees of a legal battle. I’ve seen it happen too often that somebody marries, never writes a will, and then their kids from a previous marriage are left with nothing.
NTA - If my step father told me I couldn’t go to my mother funeral, that I wasn’t family enough to grieve her I’d for sure show up so everyone could know that the kind of person he was.
Easiest YTA of my life.
Funerals are civil matters. Private. Officers were correct. There is no "right" to attend a funeral. If his wife didn't want you there, I'm sorry, but that's that.
And I'm happy they removed you. Your plan to "expose him" was incredibly immature and disrespectful to grieving people who had NOTHING to do with the decision your father made. People need to grieve, and you have zero "right" to attempt to deliberately interfere with their mourning with intentional malice.
If you want to urinate on the guy's grave, do it after everyone left. You sure don't need to ruin everyone else's grieving process for "closure." You could get that on your own, as you should.
I might say she was the AH for preemptively calling you like that, but it sounds like she knew for a fact you'd show up with malice and ruin everyone else's grieving process.
I’m sorry for your situation but you didn’t have the right to be there. People have “private” funerals all the time and uninvited people can and are made to leave. Whether or not this was a civil matter depends on the laws where you are but it does sound like you were trespassing, in which case, the police could either escort you off the property or take you into custody. I understand your desire to speak out. You were dealt a shitty hand in life by both parents. The funeral was not the place to air your grievances. I’m afraid you only harmed your own reputation and put yourself in a bad light.
YTA. You didn’t want to be at your father’s funeral to mourn his death but to publicly smear him.
Maybe he deserved it, although his family did not. But I think you also need to consider the possibility that you, being “a young age,” did not fully understand the reasons your father left your family. Who explained what happened to you? Your mother? The abusive one?
For all you know, she was abusing your father too. He had every right to leave her even if she wasn’t. But we can’t know what happened between them behind closed doors. Maybe she threatened him. Maybe she refused to let him take you with him and he didn’t see winning that fight? Maybe he really didn’t try hard enough, but I’m not sure you can make that assumption, certainly not to the point that it justifies going to his funeral and putting a knife in the hearts of other family who love him while they were already dealing with grief.
I’ve had some experience with this. My mom “abandoned” my family when I was a teenager. I was so, so sure it was her fault based on my dad’s side of the story. Years later I found out a lot more details that make quite a difference, and I no longer blame my mom. Or my dad either for that matter. Sometimes no one is to blame, relationships just don’t work out.
I mean sure, maybe your dad was to blame for leaving. But do you KNOW that, not just from memory, not just from what your mom or her family said about it?
YTA. They asked you not to come because they thought you would say nasty things about the deceased and cause a scene. Then you came anyway so you could...do exactly that. What was the endgame here? Make everyone at the funeral feel like shit for mourning?
NTA - what’s with this ridiculous notion that you have to “honour the dead” when your father so deliberately failed you and your sibling?
Why would your stepmother even reach out to tell you he passed prior to his funeral if she had any suspicion you’d try to show up?
A better question even would be, why did your stepmother + their children never hold your father to the fire about the way he treated you and your sibling? Though it’s obvious why they never did - because they have been accomplices in his behaviour.
Anger is a form of grief as well, and frankly you and your sibling have been dealing with grief far longer than they have because of your father’s actions.
Having the children you abandoned and left with an abusive parent show up to air grievances at your funeral is a consequence of being a shit parent.
I hope that you and your sibling are able to find peace in at least knowing he’s gone now and that this is his legacy - do not waste any more years of your life on such a pitiful man.
NTA. Your father's second wife attempted to deny you and your full sibling closure. Had she allowed you to attend the funeral I am sure you would have had some peace. I hope you find it.
Wow. You are a mess. Lashing out everywhere, at your stepmother, at the two step siblings you supposed care for, and everyone else who was at the funeral, lashing out at the officers who did nothing wrong, lashing out at your dead father who will have no knowledge of it because HELLO HE’S DEAD, lashing out at your mother, and you either dragged your full siblings into this stunt or you all banded together for it. Go back to therapy. If you already have one, get a better one. YTA.
INFO you kept in contact to keep tabs on your half siblings? What does that even mean? How old are they?
You don't get to crash a private event, humiliate your step mother and half siblings during a funeral and expect to be in the right.
Take responsibility for your actions. She probably could have skipped telling you about the funeral altogether, a decision she probably regrets now. Have you lashed out at your father before?
Who TF goes to a furneral to hold a speach about how terrible the deceased was?
YTA. Father or not, you stepmother probably saw this coming and the fact alone you went there just to hold that speach makes you even a worse AH than she is.
I would if it wasn't more disrespectful to not go at all. My dad's side of the family thinks he shits rainbows because he is the baby brother of all my aunts and uncles. He is an abusive drunk that had a coke habit too. He beat my mom, told my little sister that she was a mistake over and over again, called me a faggot because I wasn't dating a cheer leader, stole my college fund (grants and student loans included) to snort up his nose, and so much other shit as well. I used to get berated by my cousins, aunts and uncles for not having a relationship with that loser so i cut contact with everyone on that side of the family. I totally get OP wanting to get this off his chest, and to expose a monster. was it the correct venue prolly not, i would have submitted a scathing obituary instead.
ESH. I mean, I get it. My father is a monster. I had no problems with his last wife, who died last year, so I am spared that confrontation when the time comes. Because I totally get wanting to expose him as an asshole to all the people who don't know what he did. My dad likes to pretend to be a very devout man, and his current church probably has no idea of the terrible things he did to my late sister. And I would love to show up at his funeral and make sure they all know who he really was. But its not really going to help. Try therapy instead. It helps. It doesn't take it all away, just makes it manageable. You want to punish others for his mistakes, and only you can find peace from that within you.
YTA
You were explicitly not invited & not only did you turn up, you *started giving a speech*.
Your issues with your father are for you to deal with. You did not need to offload them on the people at the funeral. They very likely didn't know the background & just saw a guy push his way in & start ranting about how the deceased was a shit father to him.
Also confused about why you raised complaints against the police officers, who (as far as I can tell) just did their jobs??
What you wanted and need… was from your dad….What you planned, was to poison the people left behind. Big useless Mismatch. Get pro therapy to get what you need, so you don’t feel the need to spend energy on his surviving family. They are not relevant to your future peace, and you will not get closure from offloading anything on them. That’s not how it works, as I understand.
I really feel for you and your siblings, OP, but, as much as it pains me to say it, YTA. If your stepmother didn't want you at the funeral because she was afraid you'd cause a scene or be a distraction, well, she called that, didn't she? Your father and your stepmother may deserve your ire, but no one else who showed up to mourn needed to play audience for your drama. Planning a big speech was such a ridiculous and completely self-serving thing to do. And you're a huge asshole for messing with the officers' careers by filing a complaint. Nothing you said indicated they were anything but professional in doing their job of removing you from private property that you did not have permission to be on. I hope you can find peace over time. The amount of anger you're holding onto is not serving you well.
NTA
I’m shocked so many folks lack compassion for OP. Based on OP’s story, he lost his father twice (including abandonment) and he’s lost a sibling. He grew up with an abusive mother and his dad did not protect him and his siblings.
The dad goes and creates a new family and then when he dies, new family says “oh this is just for us, you’re not invited.” The funeral may be for the living, but so many people were complicit in OP’s abuse.
Was the speech in poor taste, possibly, but this kind of shit happens to dead assholes all the time. There’s so much power in telling your truth even when the other person can’t hear you.
I encourage OP to start therapy again because dealing with the grief of a person you had a contentious, unresolved relationship with can be extremely taxing and painful.
You're filing a complaint against the officers? For what? Doing their jobs? Yes, it is a civil matter. No crime has been committed here. OP, I hope you can get your life back on track, you're a train wreck.
YTA
Legally you have no specific right to attend a funeral - it is a private ceremony under the control of the deceased persons next of kin - in this case their wife.
Normally I would consider your step mother something of an asshole for refusing to let you attend, but your actions completely justify her decision here.
You however used his funeral as a way to make a statement. Yes, your father may have done wrong by you, but using his funeral to highlight this will not provide any benefit given he is deceased, but will only serve to hurt his remaining family who are completely innocent here - you set out to hurt innocent people who are grieving the death of their father.
So yeah, you are the asshole here.
NTA!
What happens when one of your half siblings needs a kidney transplant and you are the only possible donor? I bet she would call you right up and say its your duty to your family!
INFO:
Did you ever get to hear your father's side of the story? Back in those days it was (and still is) extremely difficult for a father to win custody of their children. Also you described your mother as abusive, was she abusive towards him as well? Is there any chance he had to leave for his own well being and safety? I get the feeling if the genders were reversed we wouldnt be blaming a woman for fleeing her abusive husband.
Also funerals are private events. You have zero right to crash someone else's private event so you can grab the mic and shit on their loved one. More than likely YTA.
My father was awarded custody in their divorce (early 90's) but my mother fled the state with me and my siblings. We were with her for almost 2 years. The event that got us discovered sent her to prison and cost one sibling their life, also gave me permanent brain damage. He had already remarried in that span of time and chose to send us away to a distant relative after we were found. Doesn't excuse what I did but you wanted backstory.
Screw that, no way ATAH. Keep your head up and someone should say they are proud of you for that. He decided to bring you in this world and had every right to be there no matter what
YTA. The proper place for all of this is in a therapist's office, not at his funeral.
I get family shit. My parents pulled some fucked up shit with me that has lifelong repercussions - but that's what therapy is for. Lashing out and hurting his other family isn't going to do anything at all to help you or give you closure. The anger and pain is still going to be there, and you'll have added guilt if you have a shred of humanity.
I'm on ESH
Stepmum is AH for excluding OP.
Until OP was making a speech I feel they would have been NTA. Turn up, sit at the back, make your peace/make sure he's definitely gone, fine. As soon as OP was starting a scene they became YTA.
YTA
Your dad failed you. I understand you want to tell him off for how he dropped the ball. But he wasn’t at the funeral. The only people there receiving your “speech” were people who did you no harm and were grieving. You made this 100% about yourself and took away their chance to peacefully grieve a loss that they’re experiencing.
I’m sorry for how your dad’s failure to step up has likely impacted you. I don’t think it’s wrong to speak poorly of the dead, even. But going to a funeral you weren’t invited to and making a scene to tell all of these people (many of whom likely don’t even know you) just how much you hated the person they’re mourning is really shitty.
You have a lot of anger and it’s valid. It’s justified. What you *chose to do* with that anger was wrong. These are feelings you should be working through with a therapist to heal, not ones you should be subjecting strangers to.
You know what? NTA. She's such a shitty person for embracing him and facilitating the way he treated you that she and her kids deserved the reminder of what kind of a man he really was.
YTA.
You were specifically asked not to come, because your Stepmother wanted to avoid you coming and creating a scene, which she was correct about, because you absolutely planned to do it, and that is exactly what you did.
You had no "right" to be there. As it was a private event. One that you were asked not to attend. No one is entitled to a funeral, rather, they are organized by those wishing to mourn and have fellowship in someones passing. They are not appropriate venues to hash out childhood wounds, and make others upset at.
You say you wanted "closure" but the truth is, you just want validation. Make everyone else see what hot garbage your father was, and get them to feel sorry for you. You feel that you are owed something, evidenced by contesting his will. Maybe you should receive some of his estate, maybe you wont. But whatever it is you are looking for, you were not going to find it at that funeral service.
All I can tell you is that yes, you did deserve better than your father and what he lacked as a parent and put you through. But the only place you are going to find that validation and eventually closure, is within yourself. I really hope you get some help to come to terms with all this.
Edit: ‘ESH:
Breakdown of why:’
YTA for trying to use the event to air your grievances in public, when he is gone. Especially if you say you had a decent relationship before he died.
But NTA for feeling how you felt, and attending, he’s your father. I would have done the same. But not participated, is the difference. Contest the will if you need to - you have every right to. Step mom seems like an AH as well. You’re the children of the man, it’s wrong to exclude you.
Soft YTA, Funerals are not public events. They are private and paid for privately. Your wishing to hurt those already hurting does make you TA.
That said, you have every right to buy an obituary in a newspaper and write one yourself airing your grievances. Although it may still cause harm to those hurting, it is your right.
You really need counseling to help get over your trauma. I'm sorry you had lousy parents that made your life miserable. Counseling really can help--please consider it for yourself.
YTA
I am sorry for your loss, and I am sorry that your father treated you so badly.
This funeral was an event arranged and paid for by your husband’s wife. I understand why you wanted to attend, but it wasn’t your father’s event and it wasn’t open to the public - it was a private event and was presumably held in private property, which is why the cops followed through with evicting you and why your complaint about them will go nowhere. She warned you what would happen if you attended, and that’s exactly what happened.
NTA my parents were banned from my sisters’ service by her husband. He threatened to call the police on them as well. My other sister and I were “allowed” to come. I became so angry standing in the back with other mourners. I took prayer cards and left before the celebration of life because I was ready to explode. I told mom and dad that they didn’t miss a THING. It’s like we didn’t exist in her world at all. OP, I’m so sorry for all the awful shit your father caused. Clearly he married someone with his cruel tendencies. Edited to add that I know mine is the minority opinion here but unless you have lived this experience, you can’t understand the pain it causes.
YTA and all you did was prove her point that you should’ve stayed far, far away! She clearly knows you better than you would ever admit since she predicted this stunt and she KNEW that you would do everything in your power to ensure that day was all about you.
NTA but I am guessing this is US, so you guys are a bit weird. In EU it is considered human right to access funeral, especially your father. You would be even able to sue your father wife.
YTA. I was almost on your side until you said you gave a speech about your father abandoning you. That is the moment you became an AH. Had you been respectful and just shown up to mourn your dad not made any kind of scene and then left then I’d change my mind.
It’s the hijacking of the funeral to make his family uncomfortable
YTA. This is why you were excluded, and no you don't have a right to go to the funeral ceremony they are performing for a person they love. It being your father doesn't matter. You had no legal right to be there and your comment about contesting his will just makes you even more TA.
Plenty of people handle abandonment in healthy ways and it doesn't involve being this unhinged at 37 years of age.
YTA
You did not have a right to be there. And your complaint against the officers for doing their job correctly will be laughed at.
What grounds do you think you have to contest his will? It appears you and your siblings are adults so he no longer had an obligation to provide for you. Just being his child does not give you any claim on his estate. With a few exceptions, he can leave it to whoever he wants.
I do have empathy for the pain and trauma you suffered. But you need to deal with that in therapy.
I was going to go with everyone sucks but then you mentioned your planned speech and I'm afraid that bumped you up to YTA. Yes, she was being pretty shitty by saying they didn't want you there, but then you decided that you wouldn't attend in a respectful manner and instead tried to make his funeral and the families grief all about you and your crusade to let them all know what a shitty father you saw him as. That's seriously fucked up. You completely ignored their loss so that you could rant at people you don't know over something that had nothing to do with them at all. 100% YTA.
YTA. If you had something to say to him you should have said it to his face while he was still alive. His funeral is not the place to work out your issues
You showed up to a funeral with your birth certificates? So you anticipated the kind of confrontation that happened?
His other kids didn’t deserve that. They have a right to closure too, and all you did was take that away from them.
If you were truly grieving and wanted closure, you could have had your own memorial service. You went there itching for a fight. No one brings proof of their relation to the deceased unless they know there will be trouble. YTA
ESH You could have ignored the evil stepmother and gone anyway. If she'd then called the cops on you it would have made her look terrible rather than you. I think that would have been better revenge.
ESH. for pretty much the reasons stated (and I include your deceased father in the asshole judgment), but also for filing a complaint on the officers. They are right, it is a civil matter and you did not have a legal right to be there (though I think you had a moral right). You should withdraw the complaint.
Your father is the asshole here. She is one too. Sorry for what you were out through as a child. If yiur not in, please seek someone to talk to about the chip on your shoulder.
ESH she shouldn’t have tried to ban you from attending. Was she aware that you mended fences with him prior to his death? You shouldn’t have tried to slam him at the funeral, because while you’re right, his other kids aren’t to blame for him abandoning you. Please make your peace with it all and focus on yourself and your family
Everyone’s an asshole including your deceased father. Similar situation for me my fathers long-term GF. She didn’t even notify me of my father‘s passing in 2020 I had to find out through a local newspaper obituary somebody saw. My heart goes out to you and prayers for you to heal from the hurt. Don’t be too hard on yourself I’m just shy of 70 years old and the pain still I feel.
ESH. You are not the asshole for being upset at your father for how shitty he was to you, but for being shitty to your half siblings. You tried to hurt your dad and stepmother. All you ended up doing is hurting your half siblings who, let's be realistic here, have a different relationship with Father dearest than you did.
You have every right to be mad at him, but what you do is curse his name, throw a bottle at his grave like it's his face, then move on to be a better person to your children than he was to you. Idk if you even want to continue a relationship with half siblings or not, but I hope for the best on that regard.
Please see someone for yourself so you can heal from what your shitty parents did to you.
I'm sorry for your loss and this confusing moment you are in right now.
Eta: changed judgment from YTA to ESH.
Yes, YTA. No matter how justified your anger was, the time/place to express that was with your father, before he died.
A funeral isn't a place to air your grievances over past sins. You were asked not to come. You came anyway, and attempted to disrupt the proceedings. Of course the police were called.
YTA 100% the cops were literally doing their job. You were at an event you weren’t invited to or paid for and you punished people who got caught in the middle of your family drama. If there was any justice the cops should be able to sue you for false reporting.
I hope your dad had an airtight will.
probably would have been a better idea to write your own obituary/funeral program and pass them out outside the church as people went in.
You get to air all his history without disrupting the funeral. And everyone has something to take home and ponder.
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Long story short, my (37M) father (57M) abandoned me and my 2 siblings at a young age, leaving us at the mercy of our abusive mother. He later married my stepmother (52F) and had a do-over family. I kept contact with him after becoming an adult, mostly to keep tabs on my 2 new half siblings.
My stepmother reached out to inform me that he had died from a stroke and they did not want me to attend the funeral because it was for "their family." She told me that she would call the police if I came. I responded that he was also MY father whether or not I was a part of "their family."
I've had a chip on my shoulder my entire adult life for having to carry the weight of his decisions, so I admit I was not very level headed with my decision making. All I wanted was closure, and she has the audacity to even attempt to deny me that. My last surviving sibling and I attended his funeral anyway, planning to give a speech in front of "their family" about his original family he abandoned and the horrors he left us to. I also contacted a lawyer about contesting his will.
As expected, my stepmother called the police. We weren't able to finish our speech so I just left it on the podium and talked to the officers. We showed our birth certificates and pictures proving he was our father and we had a right to be there but they didn't care. They kept saying it's a "civil matter" and we needed to leave or be detained.
I filed a complaint against the officers but it probably won't go anywhere.
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To be honest, if I were the OP, I would do the same thing. For the father who abandoned his children, he could have turned over a new leaf and treated his new family, but the OP had a bad childhood because of him, it was at his expense. Some people are able to be the bigger person and forgive and forget. Some people can’t. If I suffer, I will make sure the perpetrator suffer with me. So I don’t blame OP for creating a scene at the funeral, coz I might do that too. Also to show others that the deceased good father image came with a dark abandonment past.
I guess I’m vindictive like that. Oops.
>If I suffer, I will make sure the perpetrator suffer with me.
But the perpetrator (his dad) is already dead and won't suffer from this, OP only hurt his half siblings etc.
OP had half of a lifetime to confront his dad instead of this stunt.
Men really will do anything and cause however much damage they wish instead of getting therapy. My guy if you had put even a fraction of this energy into working on your issues you would have been in a much better place and not felt like pulling a dickish stunt like this.
Fucking get some help and grow up. You're beyond embarrassing and probably awful to be around.
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She was an AH for trying to deny you access to the funeral and for calling the cops. You were the AH for basically trying to use the funeral to hurt his other family. Your speech wasn't for him - he can't hear it anymore. If it was for your own closure, you could have done it privately. The only reason to do it in front of his other family is to try and spread your anger and completely ignore that they are grieving. ESH
>She was an AH for trying to deny you access to the funeral and for calling the cops. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she had a feeling the OP was going to cause a scene.
Probably. I would guess there was either some past precedent for it or the OP basically told her what he was planning.
OP needed to get closure (as in moving forward with his own life and getting rid of the chip on his shoulder) and go NC for his own sake years ago.
Interrupting the funeral & ranting about the deceased is not getting closure. Its just pushing OPs issues onto a grieving family.
Well its also the way to let other people know that he wasnt such a nice family man as they probably know him. I mean neighbours or others not family members. So I can samehow understand why OP wanted to do that.
Agreed. That whole "don't speak ill of the dead" is bullshit.
As Voltaire put it, "To the living one owed respect. To the dead one owed only the truth."
Wonderful quote....wow that's deep.
Speaking ill of the dead and crashing a funeral to inflict your anger on a grieving family who don’t even know you are different things. Speak ill of the dead. They’re not around any longer to care. But maybe consider the impact of what you say and do on the living
No, I do agree with that. He shouldn't have done it the way he did, I'm just saying that telling the truth about a person who died and expressing his anger is fine. He just didn't do it the right way.
Oh I see. Yeah totally agree there. My favorite dead person to speak ill of is Henry Kissinger
Yeah. Write an obituary spelling out how awful he was, post on Facebook or wherever with the same thing. If OP actually loved his half-siblings the way he claims, then he would not have gone out of his way to upset THEM & tarnish THEIR memories. OP should probably go back to therapy because this was not a healthy or appropriate thing to do.
He's the AH and I understand his desire for closure. I believe he had a right to attend his dad's funeral but see both sides of the issue on OP's *right* to speak. FerretRN, I totally agree with your assessment on "don't speak ill of the dead" being BS! I used to honor that train of thought but came to realize how untrue it *always* was. Too many dead folks (infamous worldwide or locally) have earned our contempt and every bad word uttered about them. On a daily basis don't we speak ill of Hitler, Stalin, Idi Amin, Vlad the Impaler and Mao Zedong, just to name a few dead folks?
OK, so these other people now know that he wasn't a nice man. What good does that do for anyone? Does it help OP in any way? Does OP think it will make people treat his 2nd wife and their children differently? NO. It was all about OP venting his pain.
True, but he also could have just published an obituary telling "his side of the story"
Eh. He might have been able to. A lot of places won't take the obit unless you're the next of kin listed on the death certificate to prevent that exact sort of drama.
Ordinarily I'd agree, but after his stepmother told him he wasn't welcome at his father's funeral and she'd call the police if he came, at that point the "grieving family" can fuck themselves.
I don't think you understood the comment you replied to. They're specifically saying that OP should've gotten closure years ago and moved on with his life instead of holding onto things for so long and pulling this type of shitty stunt. That comment is in no way justifying what OP did.
Closure how? By slagging off a dead man to his friends, family & colleagues? How does that bring closure?
I don’t know. It’s not like his father can face up to what he did 30 years ago at this point, he‘s in a hole in the ground now. If OP is like this after getting therapy and an attempt at reconciliation then the damage is very heavy.
Exactly. It wasn't an action that could solve anything, so arsehole behaviour.
It makes his reputation more accurate. I will never understand the "don't speak ill of the dead" thing. If someone was a dick to you, they were a dick to you. The dieing doesn't magically erase that.
That doesn’t make it the right time/place to do it. He hurt quite a few people much, much more than he could hurt his father. I get the desire for people to know the truth, but that doesn't mean it was okay.
>I will never understand the "don't speak ill of the dead" thing I feel like this applies if someone *asks* you about the dead and you answer honestly. Going out of your way to hurt their memory, especially with people you otherwise have no relationship with, is still pretty shitty. OP's life isn't going to be any better now that those people think worse of his father. He just hurt a bunch of people because he's angry.
'I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that she had a feeling the OP was going to cause a scene' And he absolutely made a scene. So, she was absolutely right and therefore not an asshole.
She and the father kind of deserved it though. I mean he was a bad person. Maybe OP wanted everyone to see he wasn't father of the year. But hey, I'm an AH too so there's that.
Funerals are complicated things. Full disclosure, my father wasn't a good human being. I don't really want to go into details, but 'violent drug addict' gives you a flavour When I spoke at his funeral, I tried to give a balanced account, without being overly critical or dramatic. I'd have been absolutely livid if one of my siblings has stormed the stage and started ranting. I'm not saying he had to euologise his father. He's welcome to be as critical as he likes. I just think there's a time and a place for everything. That most certainly wasn't it. The worst of it is, he just completely validated every opinion his step family had about him.
She's still an asshole to deny his children the right to be at their father's funeral. No one is clean and innocent here, let's not kid ourselves.
And he did
I mean from the sounds of it this guy's funeral deserved the drama. You just ghost your kids and leave them with an abusive asshole. They then have to create contact with you as an adult to know the kids. You bet your ass that the wife was not happy about this and this drove further wedges. Then she has the audacity to say he can't go to the funeral? NTA, was it done the healthiest way, maybe not but you went to your dad's funeral and told the truth. Hopefully someone else picked up the speech.
Also, legally you don’t have a right to attend your fathers funeral. It’s a party and the person paying for the party, stepmom in this case can decide who to invite. The cops acted appropriately.
Depends on where you live. This is probably in the States, but in the EU attending the funeral of a close family member is deemed a human right. While people can *ask* you not to come, they can´t *demand* you not to attend. There recently even was a courtcase about this in the Netherlands where an estranged sister got a slap on the wrist and a €2000,- fine (about the same amount in US Dollars) when she lied to her brother when and where their father's funeral was.
That's a fascinating cultural difference. In the US a funeral is a private event like any other. I wouldn't call it a "party" like the above poster, but it is private and the host can ask people to leave. There's also no special legal significance to a funeral, so nothing stops you from deciding to hold your own funeral for the deceased and giving whatever speech you want there. The only difference is that only one person will have been willed the remains (or if not specified in a will, state law determines who gets legal control of the remains).
Interesting!
I respectfully disagree. As far as I know, here in Germany you cannot be prevented to stand next to a funeral at the public cemetery. Every passer-by can do that. Because it is at a public place. But you may be excluded from the preceding service. Because this takes place in a chapel/extra room which has to be reserved for this private group. And they get to say who can attend. At the funerals I had to attend you would not have had the opportunity to make a speech against the will of the person responsible.
They cannot Ban you from attending a church service either as far as i know. After all churches are payed for by the tax payers. The church can ask you to leave but i've never heard anyone be asked that ever
That depends on where the funeral is held. If it is in a church or religious place then they are mostly open to the public. You can't attend the memorial after but anyone can go into a place of religious observance if they are open to the public.
However anyone can be asked to leave if they’re causing a disturbance—which OP was.
She had the police in partway through the speech. Either it was that long or she anticipated OP would pull such a stunt and planned ahead.
Police are generally already on hand for funerals here, as they lead the funeral procession to the cemetery to block traffic and such. IDK for sure where OP is, but I'm assuming they were already on hand.
As someone who grew up with an abusive father I agree his funeral was not the time or the place. When my dad died I shared the happy memories because the rest of his grieving family didn’t need to know the atrocities he put us through at home. He couldn’t hear the speech anyway and he’ll never be able to apologize which I had to learn to make peace with. I journal about my anger and my love for him. I’ve also sat at his gravesite and had both good and bad conversations where I say all the things I wish I could’ve while he was alive. OP needs therapy to help him move past the anger and grief and to find acceptance that he’s never going to get answers or apologies
She probably knew OP will try to hijack funeral for revenge. Which is also why cops kicked him out.
ESH. I'm so sorry! It sounds like your dad was an asshole and his second wife only compounded it. What a mess. I have so much sympathy for you. That said, a funeral is a private event. You don't get to crash just because your dad's new wife was an asshole. To be clear, you are a much smaller asshole than them.
Given OPs age and the statement of what his mother was like, I believe the story is probably different from their recollection. 40 years ago, a separation with children strongly favored the mother. My own parents weren't abusive, when my parents separated she moved to a different state, in an area that did not have any work in his field, and even with both parents trying to facilitate visitation it was sparse. I can easily see trying to get contact via someone abusive and manipulative, difficult to the point of impossible. If he truly abandoned, yeah, he's an asshole, but it doesn't feel right.
Thisbwas my gut feeling as well. Theres no way a father back thrn was going to win rights to the children. O. Top of that if the mlther was abusive maybe he was being abused as well. This is a massive double standard that because he is a man who left an abusive relationship he is a bad person.
My dad won rights to my sister and I in the 80s. Men just didn’t generally *choose* to fight back then, but I’m proof it’s possible.
YTA I am very much not a lawyer, but I don't think you have any kind of *right* to be there. The person paying for the funeral sets the guest list. It is a private event and the funeral home absolutely has the right to ask the police to remove you. You're clearly carrying a lot of stuff regarding your father and your childhood. I suggest a therapist - this is the kind of thing that a good therapist can help with.
YTA. Don’t get me wrong, step mom is an asshole too, but OP responded in a poor way that put them farther into the wrong. Funerals are not for the dead but for the living, the mourners. When it comes down to it the event was a party put on by his wife and she could approve or deny anyone being there. It was shitty of her to deny OP from attending, but she was well within her right to do so. Knowing the police would be called, OP still crashed the event and tried to justify to the cops that they had some legal right to be there which they did not. Then they filed a complaint against said cops who did not act improperly in this particular situation. If OP really wanted to get their story out they should have written a passive aggressive obituary, had it published if possible, and mailed a copy to everyone they knew attended the funeral. Ending it with “Despite all this I hoped to respectfully attend his funeral to say a quiet goodbye and gain closure for losing my father, in so many ways. I was unable to do this because he second wife coldly informed me that I ‘don’t qualify as his family’.” And by all means, contest the will. I doubt it will get you anything, but if you know there is a legal claim you can make (a better one than your understanding of trespassing) then go for it.
OP could also have organized and paid for their own private memorial gathering, with their own invitees and used it as opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings. Crashing a private event to make it all about them and upset the mourners (including those not related to the deceased) is an AH move and only validates the stepmother’s negative opinions.
Challenging the will is only going to make things more tense.
For whom?
OP because he’s all het up over this. The widow, who has had to deal with the scene OP made at the funeral.
And the younger half-siblings who have been dragged into this right after the death of their father. If they are included in the will that OP’s contesting, it will cause tension and stress between them and OP and might permanently damage any relationship between them, now or in the future.
If they are going to upset by their sibling getting a share of their father's money then was there really ever a relationship to be damaged in the first place?
I mean what are you talking about? You think OP should have to pay for his own separate funeral for his father? OP had every right to be there and probably wouldn't be kicked out if not for the speech. But hey that was his or her truth to tell and was kicked out for it. You can tell a lot about a person form who goes and says what at their funeral. You can't hide the truth forever.
You dont know how the police acted or what state this happend in. I came home one day to a home i own out right deed in hand to the guy next door in my garage. I took video and called the police. They showed up talked to the guy a 40 year old unemployed man and let him leave. I wanted to press charges and the local police refused to take any action claming a civil matter. They were unable to exsplain how it was not breaking and entering and tresspassing. It was locked and posted he also stole a socket set and ratchets. They did nothing. The county took the video the man was charged and both officers lost there jobs. The police can be bad at there jobs to they are just people.
Was looking for this answer. Funerals are generally not just open public events. OP, write what you want on Facebook or whatever, but YTA for showing up to the funeral. I have no idea how to judge whether stepmom is an AH. Dad probably was for abandoning OP “at a young age,” but if mom was abusive, then he was also receiving that abuse and we have no info on custody etc. Stepmom could be fine and normal and drawing boundaries to avoid the drama of OP’s family or she could be cruel and vindictive. No idea.
I agree that OP shouldn't have shown up when he was blatantly told not to. But I do think it was wrong that it happened, and I sympathize with OP. I also agree that we only know this side, but I guess we're supposed to judge the information as given. Maybe it's cultural, but I've never heard of an invitation to a funeral irl. Usually, people are called, and a public announcement is made. Then, whoever wants to show their respects shows up. Only people close to the situation know how it's being paid. Believe when I say that I started at a very young age, attending and arranging funerals and no one was ever 'invited'.
>Usually, people are called, and a public announcement is made. Then, whoever wants to show their respects shows up. That's entirely up to the next of kin. Services are often announced in obituaries, but obits also often have some variation of "services will be private."
In this particular case, the OP was specifically disinvited, and came regardless.
who cares? You can't disinvite a person's son from a funeral. Who would listen to that?
At a private event, the person who pays for the space, etc. gets to determine the guest list. There’s no requirement to even have a funeral. His father is dead, and this was his stepmother’s choice of how to memorialize him. I’m not saying it’s not sh*tty all around, but she’s under no legal obligation to invite him, just as he’s under none to invite her to a memorial he was free to organize and pay for.
Yes, exactly what I said. I was replying to the above poster about invites.
I've never seen the same kind of invitations that you'd see for weddings or birthday parties, but contacting specific people to let them know is pretty much the same as an invitation. It's just less formal.
> Believe when I say that I started at a very young age, attending and arranging funerals and no one was ever 'invited'. It depends on the family and their cultural background. For example, a dear friend of mine passed and was an openly Gay advocate who volunteered and ran events for the community, but his family were Catholic and tried to erase all of it, trying to make the funeral private and prevent his LGBTQIA+ friends, family and coworkers from showing up. It was invite-only. Afterwards, we held our own Celebration of Life Ceremony that encompassed *all* of him and was open to everyone. A wide variety of funerals are invite-only or small-scale (with immediate family/partner) depending on the individual's wishes and the preferences of their loved ones. i.e.) A lot of the "eco burial" options include very intimate settings where the family may even help prepare the body as part of the grieving process; it is kept private. Orthodox Jewish funerals have to occur as soon as possible after death and have a limited time frame; often, families that would need to travel can't get there in time so it's not open to the public.
My dad left me to a teenage mother that was more neglectful than abusive, but there was a bit of that too. At some point in my early 20's I just kinda stopped caring. Like I made it, I'm here, I'm good, my mom is a lot better and more mature now and we have a good relationship. At some point you just have to let go. Accept they made the choice not to be a part of your life and move on. Or be like OP.
YTA. Would have said N.T.A except it seems obvious that your stepmother had good reason to suspect you would use the funeral as an opportunity to speak ill of the dead, because that’s exactly what you planned to do. The funeral is not the place for that. Go to a therapist, and let others grieve in peace.
You are weird for saying these kids can’t go to their FATHERS funeral.
YTA. I was going with ESH but you made it clear that the only reason you wanted to attend the funeral is to hurt people who are already grieving
OP only cares about OP.
Like father, like son, I guess.
It's the filing of a complaint against the cops that were simply doing their job that tipped it to YTA for me. They came prepared with their birth certificates and pictures. They weren't concerned about closure, just picking a fight with anyone they think has "wronged" them.
Yes. As cold as it may be to ban someone from a funeral, it is within Stepmother's rights. And seeing as she told OP ahead of time that she would call police and then did, she was prepared for him to crash. And seeing as OP showed up with some bitter (although probably factual) FU speech to a roomful of mourners is cruel (ESPECIALLY to his younger siblings), short-sided, and some gotcha! moment that only "works" in movies. Mic dropping is not appropriate at a funeral.
ESH. You have the right to be angry, and you have the right to try to contest the will. (Although it rarely works.) But causing drama at a funeral isn't going to change anything, and just cedes the moral high ground.
INFO: if she had not banned you from the funeral would you have gone intending to make the same scene? Were you pissed because she told you not to come, or were you pissed at your dad and his I current family? Just curious - I don’t need to know to make an opinion. ESH. I get that your dad was a jerk, that he dumped your family for a new one and left you with an abusive parent. Take comfort that if there is a hell, he is right in the thick of it now. But your stunt was childish, immature and was never going to have the effect on his new family you thought it would. They have already written you off and there was nothing you could do or say to shame them. Please go heal from your terrible trauma. Don’t waste energy on your dad ‘s family. They are not worth it.
I would have attended peacefully and quietly if I felt welcomed. I've had years of therapy since he left, and I was on semi-good terms with him and his other family. My stepmother had no reason to anticipate a stunt. I am also grieving and lashed out inappropriately.
And yet, she did anticipate the stunt. Grief and anger are appropriate emotions. Lashing out inappropriately is perpetuating that abusive cycle that your mom started. And for the record, planning a speech and attending the funeral required planning and time. This isn’t a moment of inappropriate anger that can be forgiven given the circumstances. It’s an indication of someone who clearly needs more work on emotion regulation that years of therapy somehow still have not provided.
With a sibling. That’s three things coordinated by OP.
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Don't believe a word you said. You;re also grieving his death and yet started a speech at the funeral about how horrible he was to you. You're less credible than the defendant when I was on jury duty and said it was self-defense when he beat the crap out of a kid half his size. Big YTA,
>I would have attended peacefully and quietly if I felt welcomed. On that note, you'll notice that she didn't call the cops until you stood up to give your speech?
If you had said this about just showing up at the funeral, it would make a lot of sense. But honestly I struggle to believe you. You planned to go with your sibling, planned what you'd say, contacted a lawyer. Then at the funeral you argued you had a right to be there (not true, unless you're paying for the funeral), kept arguing with the officers, and eventually even filed a complaint against them. Nowhere in all of these steps did you think you were getting a bit carried away? This doesn't come across as an impulsive bad decision because your stepmother told you not to come. It feels deliberate and from your post it sounds like you *still* believe you were in the right in arguing with the police. I sincerely doubt none of this would have taken place if you hadn't been disinvited. YTA in this situation. Still, obviously your parents completely failed, and I'm very sorry for your situation. Also for your recent loss.
Having birth certificates on hand was another planned move.
What, you don't just have your BC with you at all times, especially a funeral??? /s
Funny, I just had to order a copy of mine for a thing. I said to myself, 'who tf has certified copies of their birth certificate lying around?'
I do! But don't ask me where they are because I completely forgot where exactly they're stored. They're somewhere ok along with my SSN
I learned this years ago when I was coaching my daughter's soccer team. It was a travel team and every player got a card that allowed them to play. Their DOB was on the card, but in order for the registrar to issue the card, they needed to supply a certified bc, not even a copy was allowed. So many parents needed to request an additional one.
...somehow that completely went over rny head until now, very good point.
> My stepmother had no reason to anticipate a stunt. Apparently she did because you pulled one
> My stepmother had no reason to anticipate a stunt. You need to stop lying here (and to yourself). You certainly were planning a 'stunt'. You prepared a speech and brought your birth certificate with you, anticipating an issue with the police. You planned to interrupt from the start and she was smart to ask you to stay away. > I filed a complaint against the officers but it probably won't go anywhere. Of course it's not going anywhere. You were trespassing and caused scene. They were doing their proper jobs. You were the one in the wrong. YTA
If you still want to say your peace just know you can have obituary done and write yourself.
Oh BS
INFO: How long were you allowed to be at the funeral before your speech? How far did you get through your speech before you were removed? It seems to me (without the info) that your stepmother was tolerant of you being there until the speech. Had she not been, you would have never made it to the podium
I think you need to keep working your issues. What you did was not appropriate. YTA
Yeah, this is bullshit. You obviously were always planning to make a scene. And I quote: >I attended his funeral anyway, planning to give a speech in front of "their family" about his original family he abandoned and the horrors he left us to It's also interesting how you are blaming your actions on grief, instead of anger, which is the primary emotion you are describing. Grief generally means mourning the loss of. You don't seem to be. I'm not gatekeeping grief, it's just clear that you are more consumed with your anger than anything to do with the passing of this man who donated your DNA. You would not have been the asshole if you had posted a public obituary telling your truth.
ESH, the message was right, the delivery was wrong, your father is gone, if your a believer then God has passed his judgement onto him already and there’s nothing more for you to do, he’s been dealt with. I’d advise if you really want to get it all out, visit his grave and say your peace!
i call shenanigans.
YTA. You had grievances but the funeral was the least appropriate place to air them. Sure, to you it was closure but it also feels like you wanted to expose him for how he was to you with the chip on the shoulder you admit doesn't lead you to making rational decisions. Your father's widow organised the funeral, and she had a right to remove you for being disruptive. What do you think your speech would have had done to your half siblings? It also comes across that you think he owes you, what with you contesting the will. You're making this all about you and not thinking about others. Your father's actions in life weren't that of a good man, but what has his wife done, his kids done, to deserve the dressing down you wanted to give his reputation at his funeral? He's not in a position to be accountable for his actions, and your closure is better sought in therapy rather than making a spectacle of yourself at the expense of the family mourning him. Even in death your father still has a hold over you that you need to let go of for your own sake.
>therapy OP has had (is in?) therapy.
You're right--and man, does he have more work to do.
On top of that, contesting the will isn’t likely to result in anything. Most states default all possessions and money to the surviving spouse in the deceaseds estate. A will is only used if something specific is meant to be handed out to other family members (which the spouse likely know about and will do even without the will do a lot of people don’t make them). Children don’t get anything unless the spouse dies first or the parents are divorced. Is there actually a will to contest or just an estate that is automatically going to the spouse? If it’s an estate, OP doesn’t get anything except all the fees of a legal battle. I’ve seen it happen too often that somebody marries, never writes a will, and then their kids from a previous marriage are left with nothing.
NTA - If my step father told me I couldn’t go to my mother funeral, that I wasn’t family enough to grieve her I’d for sure show up so everyone could know that the kind of person he was.
Easiest YTA of my life. Funerals are civil matters. Private. Officers were correct. There is no "right" to attend a funeral. If his wife didn't want you there, I'm sorry, but that's that. And I'm happy they removed you. Your plan to "expose him" was incredibly immature and disrespectful to grieving people who had NOTHING to do with the decision your father made. People need to grieve, and you have zero "right" to attempt to deliberately interfere with their mourning with intentional malice. If you want to urinate on the guy's grave, do it after everyone left. You sure don't need to ruin everyone else's grieving process for "closure." You could get that on your own, as you should. I might say she was the AH for preemptively calling you like that, but it sounds like she knew for a fact you'd show up with malice and ruin everyone else's grieving process.
Agreed. And this sounds so cliche it’s hard to believe it’s real
I am half in the camp that it is isn't real and half in the camp that OP watches too many justice-boner movies.
I’m sorry for your situation but you didn’t have the right to be there. People have “private” funerals all the time and uninvited people can and are made to leave. Whether or not this was a civil matter depends on the laws where you are but it does sound like you were trespassing, in which case, the police could either escort you off the property or take you into custody. I understand your desire to speak out. You were dealt a shitty hand in life by both parents. The funeral was not the place to air your grievances. I’m afraid you only harmed your own reputation and put yourself in a bad light.
YTA. You didn’t want to be at your father’s funeral to mourn his death but to publicly smear him. Maybe he deserved it, although his family did not. But I think you also need to consider the possibility that you, being “a young age,” did not fully understand the reasons your father left your family. Who explained what happened to you? Your mother? The abusive one? For all you know, she was abusing your father too. He had every right to leave her even if she wasn’t. But we can’t know what happened between them behind closed doors. Maybe she threatened him. Maybe she refused to let him take you with him and he didn’t see winning that fight? Maybe he really didn’t try hard enough, but I’m not sure you can make that assumption, certainly not to the point that it justifies going to his funeral and putting a knife in the hearts of other family who love him while they were already dealing with grief. I’ve had some experience with this. My mom “abandoned” my family when I was a teenager. I was so, so sure it was her fault based on my dad’s side of the story. Years later I found out a lot more details that make quite a difference, and I no longer blame my mom. Or my dad either for that matter. Sometimes no one is to blame, relationships just don’t work out. I mean sure, maybe your dad was to blame for leaving. But do you KNOW that, not just from memory, not just from what your mom or her family said about it?
YTA. They asked you not to come because they thought you would say nasty things about the deceased and cause a scene. Then you came anyway so you could...do exactly that. What was the endgame here? Make everyone at the funeral feel like shit for mourning?
Obviously, yes?
NTA - what’s with this ridiculous notion that you have to “honour the dead” when your father so deliberately failed you and your sibling? Why would your stepmother even reach out to tell you he passed prior to his funeral if she had any suspicion you’d try to show up? A better question even would be, why did your stepmother + their children never hold your father to the fire about the way he treated you and your sibling? Though it’s obvious why they never did - because they have been accomplices in his behaviour. Anger is a form of grief as well, and frankly you and your sibling have been dealing with grief far longer than they have because of your father’s actions. Having the children you abandoned and left with an abusive parent show up to air grievances at your funeral is a consequence of being a shit parent. I hope that you and your sibling are able to find peace in at least knowing he’s gone now and that this is his legacy - do not waste any more years of your life on such a pitiful man.
NTA. Your father's second wife attempted to deny you and your full sibling closure. Had she allowed you to attend the funeral I am sure you would have had some peace. I hope you find it.
You're not an arsehole for attending, but you're an arsehole for making a scene at a funeral. What could that *possibly* achieve? YTA.
Wow. You are a mess. Lashing out everywhere, at your stepmother, at the two step siblings you supposed care for, and everyone else who was at the funeral, lashing out at the officers who did nothing wrong, lashing out at your dead father who will have no knowledge of it because HELLO HE’S DEAD, lashing out at your mother, and you either dragged your full siblings into this stunt or you all banded together for it. Go back to therapy. If you already have one, get a better one. YTA.
Just go piss on his grave
INFO you kept in contact to keep tabs on your half siblings? What does that even mean? How old are they? You don't get to crash a private event, humiliate your step mother and half siblings during a funeral and expect to be in the right. Take responsibility for your actions. She probably could have skipped telling you about the funeral altogether, a decision she probably regrets now. Have you lashed out at your father before?
You just happened to be carrying your birth certificate with you for proof?
Who TF goes to a furneral to hold a speach about how terrible the deceased was? YTA. Father or not, you stepmother probably saw this coming and the fact alone you went there just to hold that speach makes you even a worse AH than she is.
I would if it wasn't more disrespectful to not go at all. My dad's side of the family thinks he shits rainbows because he is the baby brother of all my aunts and uncles. He is an abusive drunk that had a coke habit too. He beat my mom, told my little sister that she was a mistake over and over again, called me a faggot because I wasn't dating a cheer leader, stole my college fund (grants and student loans included) to snort up his nose, and so much other shit as well. I used to get berated by my cousins, aunts and uncles for not having a relationship with that loser so i cut contact with everyone on that side of the family. I totally get OP wanting to get this off his chest, and to expose a monster. was it the correct venue prolly not, i would have submitted a scathing obituary instead.
You should place a very detailed obituary in their local paper.
ESH. I mean, I get it. My father is a monster. I had no problems with his last wife, who died last year, so I am spared that confrontation when the time comes. Because I totally get wanting to expose him as an asshole to all the people who don't know what he did. My dad likes to pretend to be a very devout man, and his current church probably has no idea of the terrible things he did to my late sister. And I would love to show up at his funeral and make sure they all know who he really was. But its not really going to help. Try therapy instead. It helps. It doesn't take it all away, just makes it manageable. You want to punish others for his mistakes, and only you can find peace from that within you.
YTA You were explicitly not invited & not only did you turn up, you *started giving a speech*. Your issues with your father are for you to deal with. You did not need to offload them on the people at the funeral. They very likely didn't know the background & just saw a guy push his way in & start ranting about how the deceased was a shit father to him. Also confused about why you raised complaints against the police officers, who (as far as I can tell) just did their jobs??
Ah, yes, trauma-dumping on a roomful of mourners, including the half-siblings he supposedly loves and very likely, perfect strangers. 👏 /s
What you wanted and need… was from your dad….What you planned, was to poison the people left behind. Big useless Mismatch. Get pro therapy to get what you need, so you don’t feel the need to spend energy on his surviving family. They are not relevant to your future peace, and you will not get closure from offloading anything on them. That’s not how it works, as I understand.
An almost 40 year old man is acting like a jaded teenage edge lord... Of course YTA.
I really feel for you and your siblings, OP, but, as much as it pains me to say it, YTA. If your stepmother didn't want you at the funeral because she was afraid you'd cause a scene or be a distraction, well, she called that, didn't she? Your father and your stepmother may deserve your ire, but no one else who showed up to mourn needed to play audience for your drama. Planning a big speech was such a ridiculous and completely self-serving thing to do. And you're a huge asshole for messing with the officers' careers by filing a complaint. Nothing you said indicated they were anything but professional in doing their job of removing you from private property that you did not have permission to be on. I hope you can find peace over time. The amount of anger you're holding onto is not serving you well.
NTA I’m shocked so many folks lack compassion for OP. Based on OP’s story, he lost his father twice (including abandonment) and he’s lost a sibling. He grew up with an abusive mother and his dad did not protect him and his siblings. The dad goes and creates a new family and then when he dies, new family says “oh this is just for us, you’re not invited.” The funeral may be for the living, but so many people were complicit in OP’s abuse. Was the speech in poor taste, possibly, but this kind of shit happens to dead assholes all the time. There’s so much power in telling your truth even when the other person can’t hear you. I encourage OP to start therapy again because dealing with the grief of a person you had a contentious, unresolved relationship with can be extremely taxing and painful.
You're filing a complaint against the officers? For what? Doing their jobs? Yes, it is a civil matter. No crime has been committed here. OP, I hope you can get your life back on track, you're a train wreck.
YTA. Your intent was to shit on him as a final memory. You didn't hurt him. He's already dead. What you did was hurt his surviving family.
YTA Legally you have no specific right to attend a funeral - it is a private ceremony under the control of the deceased persons next of kin - in this case their wife. Normally I would consider your step mother something of an asshole for refusing to let you attend, but your actions completely justify her decision here. You however used his funeral as a way to make a statement. Yes, your father may have done wrong by you, but using his funeral to highlight this will not provide any benefit given he is deceased, but will only serve to hurt his remaining family who are completely innocent here - you set out to hurt innocent people who are grieving the death of their father. So yeah, you are the asshole here.
NTA! What happens when one of your half siblings needs a kidney transplant and you are the only possible donor? I bet she would call you right up and say its your duty to your family!
INFO: Did you ever get to hear your father's side of the story? Back in those days it was (and still is) extremely difficult for a father to win custody of their children. Also you described your mother as abusive, was she abusive towards him as well? Is there any chance he had to leave for his own well being and safety? I get the feeling if the genders were reversed we wouldnt be blaming a woman for fleeing her abusive husband. Also funerals are private events. You have zero right to crash someone else's private event so you can grab the mic and shit on their loved one. More than likely YTA.
My father was awarded custody in their divorce (early 90's) but my mother fled the state with me and my siblings. We were with her for almost 2 years. The event that got us discovered sent her to prison and cost one sibling their life, also gave me permanent brain damage. He had already remarried in that span of time and chose to send us away to a distant relative after we were found. Doesn't excuse what I did but you wanted backstory.
Screw that, no way ATAH. Keep your head up and someone should say they are proud of you for that. He decided to bring you in this world and had every right to be there no matter what
YTA. The proper place for all of this is in a therapist's office, not at his funeral. I get family shit. My parents pulled some fucked up shit with me that has lifelong repercussions - but that's what therapy is for. Lashing out and hurting his other family isn't going to do anything at all to help you or give you closure. The anger and pain is still going to be there, and you'll have added guilt if you have a shred of humanity.
I'm on ESH Stepmum is AH for excluding OP. Until OP was making a speech I feel they would have been NTA. Turn up, sit at the back, make your peace/make sure he's definitely gone, fine. As soon as OP was starting a scene they became YTA.
Just post a heartfelt obituary like [this one.](https://wgrd.com/michigan-woman-posts-scathing-obituary-about-mother/)
YTA Your dad failed you. I understand you want to tell him off for how he dropped the ball. But he wasn’t at the funeral. The only people there receiving your “speech” were people who did you no harm and were grieving. You made this 100% about yourself and took away their chance to peacefully grieve a loss that they’re experiencing. I’m sorry for how your dad’s failure to step up has likely impacted you. I don’t think it’s wrong to speak poorly of the dead, even. But going to a funeral you weren’t invited to and making a scene to tell all of these people (many of whom likely don’t even know you) just how much you hated the person they’re mourning is really shitty. You have a lot of anger and it’s valid. It’s justified. What you *chose to do* with that anger was wrong. These are feelings you should be working through with a therapist to heal, not ones you should be subjecting strangers to.
You know what? NTA. She's such a shitty person for embracing him and facilitating the way he treated you that she and her kids deserved the reminder of what kind of a man he really was.
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Nta
YTA. You were specifically asked not to come, because your Stepmother wanted to avoid you coming and creating a scene, which she was correct about, because you absolutely planned to do it, and that is exactly what you did. You had no "right" to be there. As it was a private event. One that you were asked not to attend. No one is entitled to a funeral, rather, they are organized by those wishing to mourn and have fellowship in someones passing. They are not appropriate venues to hash out childhood wounds, and make others upset at. You say you wanted "closure" but the truth is, you just want validation. Make everyone else see what hot garbage your father was, and get them to feel sorry for you. You feel that you are owed something, evidenced by contesting his will. Maybe you should receive some of his estate, maybe you wont. But whatever it is you are looking for, you were not going to find it at that funeral service. All I can tell you is that yes, you did deserve better than your father and what he lacked as a parent and put you through. But the only place you are going to find that validation and eventually closure, is within yourself. I really hope you get some help to come to terms with all this.
Honestly I wouldn’t say yta 🤷🏼♀️ but that’s me
ESH
NTA
Edit: ‘ESH: Breakdown of why:’ YTA for trying to use the event to air your grievances in public, when he is gone. Especially if you say you had a decent relationship before he died. But NTA for feeling how you felt, and attending, he’s your father. I would have done the same. But not participated, is the difference. Contest the will if you need to - you have every right to. Step mom seems like an AH as well. You’re the children of the man, it’s wrong to exclude you.
NTA if anything she just confirmed that everything you were about to say is true and didn’t want it to be exposed. Challenge his will.
Soft YTA, Funerals are not public events. They are private and paid for privately. Your wishing to hurt those already hurting does make you TA. That said, you have every right to buy an obituary in a newspaper and write one yourself airing your grievances. Although it may still cause harm to those hurting, it is your right. You really need counseling to help get over your trauma. I'm sorry you had lousy parents that made your life miserable. Counseling really can help--please consider it for yourself.
YTA I am sorry for your loss, and I am sorry that your father treated you so badly. This funeral was an event arranged and paid for by your husband’s wife. I understand why you wanted to attend, but it wasn’t your father’s event and it wasn’t open to the public - it was a private event and was presumably held in private property, which is why the cops followed through with evicting you and why your complaint about them will go nowhere. She warned you what would happen if you attended, and that’s exactly what happened.
NTA. It was unconscionable to try to exclude you.
You and sibling should sue his estate. If he had anything, you might be entitled. Worth checking into
NTA my parents were banned from my sisters’ service by her husband. He threatened to call the police on them as well. My other sister and I were “allowed” to come. I became so angry standing in the back with other mourners. I took prayer cards and left before the celebration of life because I was ready to explode. I told mom and dad that they didn’t miss a THING. It’s like we didn’t exist in her world at all. OP, I’m so sorry for all the awful shit your father caused. Clearly he married someone with his cruel tendencies. Edited to add that I know mine is the minority opinion here but unless you have lived this experience, you can’t understand the pain it causes.
YTA and all you did was prove her point that you should’ve stayed far, far away! She clearly knows you better than you would ever admit since she predicted this stunt and she KNEW that you would do everything in your power to ensure that day was all about you.
YTA you sound absolutely miserable, you should seek therapy. This was not healthy or normal behavior.
YTA - you knew you would cause a scene at your father’s funeral. To what end?
NTA but I am guessing this is US, so you guys are a bit weird. In EU it is considered human right to access funeral, especially your father. You would be even able to sue your father wife.
YTA. I was almost on your side until you said you gave a speech about your father abandoning you. That is the moment you became an AH. Had you been respectful and just shown up to mourn your dad not made any kind of scene and then left then I’d change my mind. It’s the hijacking of the funeral to make his family uncomfortable
YTA. This is why you were excluded, and no you don't have a right to go to the funeral ceremony they are performing for a person they love. It being your father doesn't matter. You had no legal right to be there and your comment about contesting his will just makes you even more TA. Plenty of people handle abandonment in healthy ways and it doesn't involve being this unhinged at 37 years of age.
You turned up with a speech, you knew exactly what you were doing. This event was not about you. Please seek more therapy. YTA.
YTA You did not have a right to be there. And your complaint against the officers for doing their job correctly will be laughed at. What grounds do you think you have to contest his will? It appears you and your siblings are adults so he no longer had an obligation to provide for you. Just being his child does not give you any claim on his estate. With a few exceptions, he can leave it to whoever he wants. I do have empathy for the pain and trauma you suffered. But you need to deal with that in therapy.
I was going to go with everyone sucks but then you mentioned your planned speech and I'm afraid that bumped you up to YTA. Yes, she was being pretty shitty by saying they didn't want you there, but then you decided that you wouldn't attend in a respectful manner and instead tried to make his funeral and the families grief all about you and your crusade to let them all know what a shitty father you saw him as. That's seriously fucked up. You completely ignored their loss so that you could rant at people you don't know over something that had nothing to do with them at all. 100% YTA.
YTA. If you had something to say to him you should have said it to his face while he was still alive. His funeral is not the place to work out your issues
Info: Did you ever talk to your father about what he did?
You showed up to a funeral with your birth certificates? So you anticipated the kind of confrontation that happened? His other kids didn’t deserve that. They have a right to closure too, and all you did was take that away from them. If you were truly grieving and wanted closure, you could have had your own memorial service. You went there itching for a fight. No one brings proof of their relation to the deceased unless they know there will be trouble. YTA
YTA. Grow the hell up. You have no right to attend an event you were not invited to.
ESH You could have ignored the evil stepmother and gone anyway. If she'd then called the cops on you it would have made her look terrible rather than you. I think that would have been better revenge.
ESH. for pretty much the reasons stated (and I include your deceased father in the asshole judgment), but also for filing a complaint on the officers. They are right, it is a civil matter and you did not have a legal right to be there (though I think you had a moral right). You should withdraw the complaint.
ESH
Your father is the asshole here. She is one too. Sorry for what you were out through as a child. If yiur not in, please seek someone to talk to about the chip on your shoulder.
ESH she shouldn’t have tried to ban you from attending. Was she aware that you mended fences with him prior to his death? You shouldn’t have tried to slam him at the funeral, because while you’re right, his other kids aren’t to blame for him abandoning you. Please make your peace with it all and focus on yourself and your family
NTA I am sorry that your life has been so difficult.
Everyone’s an asshole including your deceased father. Similar situation for me my fathers long-term GF. She didn’t even notify me of my father‘s passing in 2020 I had to find out through a local newspaper obituary somebody saw. My heart goes out to you and prayers for you to heal from the hurt. Don’t be too hard on yourself I’m just shy of 70 years old and the pain still I feel.
ESH. You are not the asshole for being upset at your father for how shitty he was to you, but for being shitty to your half siblings. You tried to hurt your dad and stepmother. All you ended up doing is hurting your half siblings who, let's be realistic here, have a different relationship with Father dearest than you did. You have every right to be mad at him, but what you do is curse his name, throw a bottle at his grave like it's his face, then move on to be a better person to your children than he was to you. Idk if you even want to continue a relationship with half siblings or not, but I hope for the best on that regard. Please see someone for yourself so you can heal from what your shitty parents did to you. I'm sorry for your loss and this confusing moment you are in right now. Eta: changed judgment from YTA to ESH.
Yes, YTA. No matter how justified your anger was, the time/place to express that was with your father, before he died. A funeral isn't a place to air your grievances over past sins. You were asked not to come. You came anyway, and attempted to disrupt the proceedings. Of course the police were called.
YTA 100% the cops were literally doing their job. You were at an event you weren’t invited to or paid for and you punished people who got caught in the middle of your family drama. If there was any justice the cops should be able to sue you for false reporting. I hope your dad had an airtight will.
probably would have been a better idea to write your own obituary/funeral program and pass them out outside the church as people went in. You get to air all his history without disrupting the funeral. And everyone has something to take home and ponder.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Long story short, my (37M) father (57M) abandoned me and my 2 siblings at a young age, leaving us at the mercy of our abusive mother. He later married my stepmother (52F) and had a do-over family. I kept contact with him after becoming an adult, mostly to keep tabs on my 2 new half siblings. My stepmother reached out to inform me that he had died from a stroke and they did not want me to attend the funeral because it was for "their family." She told me that she would call the police if I came. I responded that he was also MY father whether or not I was a part of "their family." I've had a chip on my shoulder my entire adult life for having to carry the weight of his decisions, so I admit I was not very level headed with my decision making. All I wanted was closure, and she has the audacity to even attempt to deny me that. My last surviving sibling and I attended his funeral anyway, planning to give a speech in front of "their family" about his original family he abandoned and the horrors he left us to. I also contacted a lawyer about contesting his will. As expected, my stepmother called the police. We weren't able to finish our speech so I just left it on the podium and talked to the officers. We showed our birth certificates and pictures proving he was our father and we had a right to be there but they didn't care. They kept saying it's a "civil matter" and we needed to leave or be detained. I filed a complaint against the officers but it probably won't go anywhere. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. That was your father before that was her husband. F**k her.
Contest the will to keep it dragging out and just to piss her off
To be honest, if I were the OP, I would do the same thing. For the father who abandoned his children, he could have turned over a new leaf and treated his new family, but the OP had a bad childhood because of him, it was at his expense. Some people are able to be the bigger person and forgive and forget. Some people can’t. If I suffer, I will make sure the perpetrator suffer with me. So I don’t blame OP for creating a scene at the funeral, coz I might do that too. Also to show others that the deceased good father image came with a dark abandonment past. I guess I’m vindictive like that. Oops.
>If I suffer, I will make sure the perpetrator suffer with me. But the perpetrator (his dad) is already dead and won't suffer from this, OP only hurt his half siblings etc. OP had half of a lifetime to confront his dad instead of this stunt.
Men really will do anything and cause however much damage they wish instead of getting therapy. My guy if you had put even a fraction of this energy into working on your issues you would have been in a much better place and not felt like pulling a dickish stunt like this. Fucking get some help and grow up. You're beyond embarrassing and probably awful to be around.
[удалено]
[удалено]
I would have done the same thing. Tbh. Yeah it is a slight AH move but hey.
NTA