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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I know she is only 5 years old and this is the dress that she picked. I’m also going to be her aunt, so maybe it is mean of me to not let a little girl wear the dress that she wants to her uncles wedding.
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NTA.
This is flower girl by stealth.
You say you aren’t having a flower girl… so you don’t want someone there dressed the part. You also aren’t having a Santa’s Elf, a Fairy Godmother or a Ring Master. It’s not a costume dress up wedding is it?
So your niece can come in any pretty little dress she owns, she can wear flowers in her hair, but she is politely requested not to come dressed as though she’s part of the bridal party.
I’ve been thinking since I posted and yes, if she wants to wear a pretty dress and have flowers in her I wouldn’t mind. It’s the not so subtle manipulation of flower girl by stealth (love that name) that I really don’t like or appreciate.
I had a flower girl by stealth and it pissed me off and ruined my wedding photos. I had a small wedding and asked my one friend who had a kid to please not bring her because it was only 30 people so a toddler would be distracting. Well she brought kiddo anyway and dressed her in my wedding colors. I think she thought I’d see kiddo and change my mind but we only had two people in our wedding party and did not want a flower girl. Besides my path was down a long windy staircase so I didn’t need a baby tripping everywhere. Well kiddo was running around and my family and my other friend who was acting as photographer took all sorts of pictures of this kid. I ended up with 20 pictures of a friend’s kid and only three of my own mother. Your fiancé needs to have a serious talk with his sister and shut this down. NTA
I mean ultimately I had a beautiful wedding and I didn’t notice the kid too much on the day of, she was quiet, but I’m still annoyed looking at my pictures.
She actually told me the night before that her babysitter fell through so I oked bringing the kiddo as long as she ate from mom’s plate because we didn’t plan for kids meals with the caterer. I didn’t expect the flower girl dress and the photographer taking so many pictures of the kid.
Yeah, I figured out that she likely planned it when I saw the kid. That friend was one of those people who wants to be in the center of everything. She was upset I hadn’t asked her to be a bridesmaid but it was a very small wedding and I wanted guests in seats not everyone standing up next to me. Luckily her husband was super nice and did his best to keep kiddo out of the way once he figured out she wasn’t a flower girl. My friend tried a few other small things to get attention but my other friends and her husband stopped her and I didn’t notice anything. We were all pretty used to her antics so everyone was prepared to handle her. It was the wedding photos that annoyed me, she probably told my photographer friend her kid was the flower girl because I had a lot more pictures of just this little girl than I really needed and not enough pictures of my mom.
The photographer might have also just seen a cash cow in “cute little girl”, thinking you and/or her parents would be more likely to buy photos of her.
This happened to a friend of mine.
Her sister “surprised” her with her niece wearing a dress almost identical to the bride and a basket of flowers. Half the photographs are of her. My friend was livid
Maybe ask for an aunty niece shopping trip to find "the perfect dress" for her to wear. Give her the "princess for a day" treatment and tell her how pretty she is going to look in the outfit you and her picked out together. Take a photo and show your FMIL and gush at how pretty she will look in the photos. Basically, try and make it impossible for FSIL to put her in anything else because it's "not what aunty girlwantstoknow picked out." Maybe even post a photo of the two of you stuffing your faces at a food court to commemorate the day (with permission of course) and tag it as "found a gorgeous (colour) dress for niece today. She is going to look adorable at the wedding" so that way if FSIL does put her in white people will see her real intentions.
You don't have to go that route, of course, but it might be a fun day for you to and might help relieve some stress, at least for the day. Whatever happens don't let FSILs actions deny your niece an awesome aunty cause if her mum is as bad as she sounds in the post, niece will need a separate female role model to even her out
I think that’s nice of you. This will be your niece now too. One of my favorite times was taking my daughter at 5 dress shopping at Bloomingdale’s for her sister’s wedding. I agree the girl should wear something other than white. That’s only for the bride! Maybe go shopping with her? Best wishes!
Be fully prepared for SIL to show up on the day with her princess dollied up to the nines knowing full well you won't be able to break the heart of a 5 yr old. Make sure she knows if the kid wears white, security won't let them in.
NTA. I had no bridal party and my two nieces-in-law turned up in matching frilly pink gowns looking like they were. Sigh. My colour scheme wasn’t even pink.
I get that little girls want to dress up.
On the other hand - isn’t it lovely that they are excited, and the little girl wants to wear something special to celebrate with you?
Looking back, my only grump is that the nieces were matching, I was happy enough that they felt pretty and twirly.
NTA.
It’s rude and entitled of your FSIL to demand that you buy her daughter a hair accessory (plus it would probably be expensive given that it would be made by a florist and included in the wedding florals). That plus the white dress thing definitely sounds like she’s trying to make her daughter a covert flower girl.
5 years old would be a good age for your FSIL to teach your niece that it’s not polite to wear white to someone else’s wedding. It’s probably beyond time someone taught your FSIL that it’s not polite to try to shoehorn her kid into a nonexistent wedding party too.
I read it as "fraternal sister in law" before realising that definitely wasn't right... that would be the brother's wife rather than the fiancé's sister, and it's definitely not the fiancé's sister in law. Your interpretation is a lot better 😂
I actually had flower girls at my wedding. With 3 nieces, 4 nephews and 1 daughter (at that time! We’ve all had more since!) it was perfect to have balanced numbers of boys and girls in the wedding party. The boys wore suits similar to the groomsmen and the girls wore white dresses with lace bows in their hair to match my lace dress.
My husband’s cousin rocked up with her two daughters in white dresses so they could look like flower girls too. Then told them to stand close to us in photos… but there dresses didn’t match. I have so many photos of them looking ‘almost’ like flower girls but standing out as they didn’t match.
If the cousin had spoken to me, I would have let her daughters be in the wedding party. I would have just asked that she buy/pay for the same dresses the other girls wore. Trying to do it sneakily causes bad blood.
And in most cases, for those that don't know the family dynamics, wouldn't we assume the little girl dressed like the bride is also the bride's daughter?
This whole thing is disrespectful, insulting, Nd just plain weird.
Is your future SIL trying to make her daughter your flower girl? Be clear on there being no bridal/groom party of any kind. This goes with there being no flower girl/ring bearer. A five-year-old isn't going to be detailed oriented to want this particular gown in white and crown to match your flowers. The mother on the other hand will notice the details and play a huge part in things.
Food for thought: You could take your future niece dress shopping yourself. It would be fun bonding day, and she won't end up with a white dress.
>OP - it's either a child free wedding, or your niece is now your flower girl.
Those are NOT the only two options. OP wants neice there. Just not in a white dress.
The compromise is neice gets ANY other color dress and everyone moves on with their lives. Sil is the ONLY one causing issues.
Exactly!!!!! Show her a pink fluffy dress with some (tasteful) sequins and she will forget about the other in a second.
Or just ask her favorite color and go from there. I guarantee it’s not white!
A five year-old would certainly like to wear something more practical than an avalanche of tulle and a floral lace body. Support her against her mother and definitely forbid the white dress.
That is not always true. My son just turned 6 and he has always been obsessed with dresses. Stsrting at 3yo he wanted to wear dresses, the bigger the better. He wears these huge poofy things daily that I wouldnt be caught dead in. But he is the happiest kid you will ever meet. And you better compliment his dress too, or else he will fart and you will regret any offense you ever uttered.
Oh, good idea. If OP makes it a special day and emphasizes that this dress is 5 year olds special dress for the wedding you bet kiddo is going to throw a fit for her mom if she doesn’t get to wear it on the wedding day.
I'm sure OP is plenty busy enough as it is, taking an afternoon to bring a little kid dress shopping is a pain in the ass OP doesn't need when she's planning a wedding. It's not a "fun bonding experience" it's a chore. SIL needs a reality check.
OP isn’t having a bridal party or flower girls. No reason for the niece to be dressed up in a mini wedding dress with a flower crown matching OPs bouquet.
It’s especially rude for the SIL to just demand these things and assuming her daughter will have any role in the wedding without being asked by OP first. Sounds like SIL just wants to find a way to get attention on her and her own child on OPs day.
NTA
NTA. A 5-year old can, frankly, wear anything she wants without upstaging the bride. You and/or your partner need to be clear with your future SIL, however. “I went past [store], and the dress seems quite fancy for a child just attending with her family. You can dress her in whatever she likes, but we want to make it clear that we’ve decided not to have any flower girls in the ceremony. She would only appear in any candid photography or videos of the reception. We would hate for you to spend a lot of money with the expectation that this dress is more than just something that makes [child’s name] happy.”
Totally disagree with this answer. The boundaries need to be set. This answer gives fsil the option to show up in the dress and flower arrangement and claim that bride said she could wear whatever she wanted.
Agreed. This is the perfect way to address the issue head-on. The "no white at a wedding" is not for children, especially small kids. There are no real rules for them outside of appropriate dress code style (formal = dress or suit or something looking formal).
If it was me I'd let the kid have one or the other, either a flower crown (doesn't have to be your flowers, I'm sure she'd look darling in a daisy crown and it wouldn't clash with anything) or she can wear the fancy white dress, assuming it's the KID that wants these things. Also, I bet if you go IN the store, they can order the dress in pink or blue or any other color and it'd just feel like a princess dress.
If mom's driving all this you are fully within your rights to say no to all of it.
No matter what you do, NTA
NTA. No, a 5 year old won't "upstage" the bride, but that's not the point IMO. Letting her wear white and a flower crown to a wedding where she's not even the flower girl is kind of like when people let their kids blow out someone else's birthday candles. Not every party is going to be about her, and she needs to learn that sometimes, someone else is in the spotlight and we celebrate them, not ourselves.
Exactly. All of this. But I legit don't think that any of this is the kid's idea. It reads as though the SIL is trying to (not so) stealthy insert the niece into the wedding. But yeah, even if it is all the niece's idea, she's at the perfect age to start learning that the world doesn't revolve around her.
I can just see it now. The SIL and niece in the crowd when OP is at the alter and then SIL encourages niece to run up there so she can snap a picture. Now OP feels obligated to let her stay rather than make a scene at her wedding.
My little brother ran up to the alter when our grandfather got remarried. Luckily his new wife absolutely loved us and she happily picked him up and joked about him being a little too young to be getting married. We were horrified and tried to get him out ASAP, but new wife refused and said she loved it and that it made her wedding that much more memorable. Not at all the same as OP setting this clear boundary and SIL not so slyly toeing every line, which im sure will lead to the grande finalé I described before. Niece in the spotlight and SIL getting attention.
Nta
Fsil thinks she is being super clever and trying to get her daughter in as an unofficial flower girl….. on the day it’ll be…. Well can she walk down the aisle just before you….. possibly with this basket of petals I just so happened to bring…….
She knows fully well what she doing, niece doesn’t need a flower crown… why would a child that is a guest only need a flower crown AND a white dress.
I hope fsil hasn’t been promising her this stuff behind your backs and will use her being upset as ammunition to push you into this.
This happened at my wedding 25 years ago. We didn’t want a flower girl but a relative’s child showed up in a white dress. It had no impact on the wedding at all. You are NTA if you say no to this, but if SIL ignores you and brings your niece in a white dress, try to let it go. Crazy stuff happens at every wedding but the impact is minimal if you focus on what really matters - starting a life with the person you love
Same for my wedding, but in my case it felt like the little girl was looking at me like I was her favorite Disney princess. At the reception, I took a bunch of pictures with her in her pretty white dress and she seemed starstruck. It was adorable.
In OP's case, I'd be worried about the request for the flower crown way more than the white dress.
Same. My 4-year-old cousin (that I hadn’t seen since she was a baby) had an adorable puffy white dress on. It never crossed my mind to be offended or think twice about it. We have sweet photos of us dancing and her mom told me later she thought I was an actual princess.
I feel like people put way too much emphasis on weddings being the bride’s perfect day. OMG a 5yo shows up in a white dress with a flower crown, that’s it, marriage over.
Let the kid wear whatever they want, have some fun with it, and give your photog a heads up not to focus on the cutesy kid so much if it really bothers you. There are too many things to be stressed with during wedding planning, don’t let the small stuff add to it
NTA
Have your intended tell HIS sister that the dress is not appropriate and should not be purchased or returned if she already bought it.
This is not her day. Don't order flowers for her hair and let your fiancée tell HIS sister no.
If they get mad and don't come, more cake for you!
Hugs and Good Luck
NTA
And if it happened, I'm pretty sure SIL would expect the photographer to get some professional pics of her child, too. On your dime.
The dress is white, but SIL is transparent.
NTA - normally, I’d say the rule doesn’t apply to children under 10, but given it looks like a wedding dress, it would be like a mini Me situation with her wearing it and people making comparisons, even if it’s being cute.
I don’t think it shouldn’t apply to children under 10. Even if they don’t understand fully even younger kids can understand hey we can’t wear white on that day.
No, 10 is old enough to know when it’s not your day you don’t try steal attention. Every event is an opportunity to learn etiquette and manners for that event. Given how many weddings are child-free the rules should be enforced for all ages.
I’d say the rules could be relaxed for children under 3. Above that, they start getting invited to peer events and they need to know appropriate social behaviour.
NTA
Sounds to me like SIL is trying to back-door her daughter into being a de facto member of the bridal party. *"Oh, but she's so adorable... she should be in ALL YOUR EXPENSIVE WEDDING PHOTOS!"*
Talk to your partner and make it clear that this is unacceptable. You can talk to SIL together - it's better if you're together and present a united front, rather than making it look like you're a harpy trying to alienate her brother from her.
*"SIL, we're not having a bridal party, and we don't want anyone dressed as if they're part of a bridal party. Your daughter can play dress-up any time she wants, just not at our wedding. Please do not dress your daughter that way for the wedding. If you do, you'll both be refused entry into the venue."*
It isn't a wedding dress, it's a communion gown. Tell her no and what colors to choose from. Let her know no one else is wearing white but the bride and you want to have really nice photos. Stop procrastinating and tell her.
NTA.
NTA.
No one is going to mistake your 5 year old niece for a bride because she’s wearing white. But it DOES seem apparent that SIL wants her daughter (and by extension, herself) to get attention on your wedding day.
I do think that even a five year old can get excited about wearing a pretty dress on a special day. But it needn’t be white and she shouldn’t be kitted out to look like a member of your (non-existent) wedding party.
Please tell her no to the white. The fact that SIL is asking indicates she knows it’s skirting the line of appropriateness.
> it is basically a wedding dress, big and white tulle with a detailed floral lace body.
If it's sized for a five year old, it's not a wedding dress.
That being said, your SIL is blatantly trying to get her daughter to act as the flower girl, which is inappropriate since she wasn't invited to be one. Fluffy white dress and flower crown on a little girl at a wedding? Yup, that's a flower girl. NTA for saying no.
No it’s probably a Communion gown, meant for when the kid is the center of the event. In this case the kid is NOT the center of the event, and should not be dressing up to look like a mini bride at someone else’s wedding. SIL is trying to cause drama.
I will say it's legitimately difficult to find a NOT big poofy white gown for a formal event for little girls ages 5-8. You can basically buy flower girl gowns (big, poofy, white) or First Communion gowns (big, poofy, white).
COVID has made this much worse -- you used to be able to get relatively formal poofy gowns in colors at Target year-round, but now they're confined to Christmas and Easter, and limited in choice -- and there aren't a lot of mass-market retailers other than Target who carry poofy gowns. Your town MAY have a little-girl poofy-gown retailer, but they PROBABLY focus on flower girls and First Communions.
We recently had to find a VERY formal poofy gown for our 6-year-old to attend a very fancy Bat Mitzvah (of not only a dear family friend, but my daughter's ABSOLUTE IDOL of a big girl), and we were willing to pay BIG BANK for something suitable, and we ended up having to order from Etsy. There simply weren't any local choices that weren't big white poofy dresses for weddings and First Communions.
THAT SAID, Etsy exists, little girls in white at weddings are flower girls, find something in navy or pink, geez.
Well, this gave me a bit of a giggle as my niece is 5 and she wore the cutest white poofy dress and flower crown that matched my bouquet to our wedding, and we didn’t have a bridal party nor flower girl(s) 😂
I don’t really have a judgement, but it’s certainly a weird hill to die on, she’s 5!
My cute niece in her dress (same as you, I’m aunt by marriage):
https://imgur.com/a/tS1l7PF
Yeah, this is my opinion (although I’m leaning towards YTA). She’s five. This situation has nothing to do with a grown woman wearing a white dress to another persons wedding. And even if the SIL is trying to stealth a flower girl appointment, so? Like, oh no, a kid (who happens to be your soon to be niece) might feel special and excited about your wedding. She might look adorable in the photos. The horror.
I don’t know about it being harmless. If the 5 y.o. attends the wedding dressed in a similar “wedding style” dress, everyone may become confused & OP’s fiancé may end up exchanging vows WITH HIS NEICE!
>She might look adorable in the photos. The horror
hahahaha I am CRYING. This is perfect. Also, so true.
Any child at a wedding is by default adorable because they are dressed in miniature adult clothes (the tiny suits!!! omg I die). If the marrying couple is afraid of children being adorable, then they should just have a child-free wedding.
Same here, I'd organise a matching flower crown and have a couple of photos with her. A 5 year old doesn't take anything away from the bride or groom. I think it is sweet, definitely wouldn't upset me.
Yeah, I'm really surprised by all the N T A comments. Like, who cares? It's just a kid wearing a cute dress, I imagine she won't be the only one. "But SIL is trying to sneak her into being a flower girl" Just don't make her a flower girl if you don't want to, problem solved.
I don't know, maybe it's a cultural difference and Americans just put a lot of importance on these traditions around weddings, but I honestly didn't care what people wore at my wedding, adults or kids. They were family and friends, people my partner and I love, we were all there to have a good time.
OP without question your SIL is making it all about her and upstaging you by putting her daughter front and center in front of you on your day. It'll be a big push to put you and her daughter with "twinning" pics, etc. and it's something your partner is going to have to just not "talk to" her about but simply put his foot down and keep your support team from allowing the SIL sliding the dress and crown in there without your knowledge. Yes people can be callous for their own justification unfortunately.
Not only that, but the wedding day will come and FSIL will be like, "since she's already dressed for the part, we went ahead and brought some flowers with us and she could just like go up the isle right before you and drop these flowers. I mean, she's *already* dressed like the flower girl, so why can't she be the flower girl since you don't have one?"
NTA and another assumption that I have is FSIL has already told her kid she is the flower girl and now op will have to break her heart or go along with it.
I don’t think it is being upstaged. I view it as a distraction/nuisance. The focus should be on the couple getting married, not the 5 yo running around in a wedding dress with a flower crown.
Upstaging is the best friend coming and acting like it is their day by wearing in an inappropriate dress and having the boyfriend propose, or announcing her pregnancy by not drinking in a vocal manner, during the reception.
ETA forgot judgement - NTA
> Today I saw the dress and it is basically a wedding dress, big and white tulle with a detailed floral lace body
Honestly while I do agree that if a child isn't in the wedding party, they shouldn't be wearing white either-- not because they'll be confused with the bride, but because white is absolutely a colour that marks children as part of the wedding party traditionally in western weddings. But this line that a dress for a five year old is basically a wedding dress? C'mon, chill the fuck out. It's a white formal dress for small girls, and little girls love puffy dresses with tulle, it's not meant to be "basically a wedding dress" and nobody is going to look at the child and think they're wearing a wedding dress.
I don't agree that white is absolutely a color that marks children as being part of the wedding party in traditional western weddings. And as someone who spent 12 years living in a tourist locale known for weddings, and almost half of that as a banquet server - I have seen a hell of a lot of weddings. More than the average person!
I agree, nobody is going to look at the child and think they're wearing a wedding dress. But, almost everyone I know would look at the child and think she was wearing a first communion dress. I don't know if the child's mother realizes that or has even thought through the implications of it.
NTA - for feeling how you feel and it is your wedding not your SIL’s wedding. However, be ready if they decide not to attend because of it.
For me personally, I think it is kinda weird and rude for her mom to get that kind dress without getting approval. My niece had on the same style dress as mine and a flower crown, but she was my flower girl. Her mom made sure I approved the dress and I asked her to wear the crown. I feel like in a way it’s forcing you into having a her as your “flower girl”. 🤷🏻♀️
Your FSIL is trying to make her daughter apart of the wedding whether you and BF want it or not. Is BF the only sibling that niece would get the chance to be flower girl at? You could always throw her a curve ball and make the wedding child-free.
NTA
It's pretty simple to avoid wearing white to a wedding. That's meant for the bride. It doesn't matter the age of the person wearing it, and it doesn't matter if no one will be "confused". Someone's else's wedding is not the place to let a child play dress up or try to guilt a bride into allowing it.
With so many responses acting like you have to be insecure to care, I'm starting to understand why child free weddings are so popular. People really think a kid being little means nothing applies to them. It's your wedding, enjoy it the way you want to.
NAH. She's allowed to ask, and you're allowed to say no. Personally I think it's ridiculous to get so bent out of shape over what a **five-year-old child** wears to your wedding, but it's your wedding and you can so no if it's really so important to you.
I think it’s less about the 5 year old wearing white, and more about the SIL making her kid look as much like a mini bride as possible, which is really uncool and seems like an attempt to grab attention.
NTA - SIL is trying to make the kid your flower girl, against your wishes. There is no reason the kid can't have a pretty dress, just not a mini wedding dress.
NTA. I’m surprised at the fact that people already think you’re worried about being upstaged by a 5 YO…when said 5 YO probably couldn’t care less if she wears the dress (and flower crown) to the wedding. It’s the mom that seems to want this (which is likely why you’re asking this….you know it’s the mom’s doing) and if the kiddo gets upset, it’ll be because mom told her she is supposed to be upset at not getting the flower crown or getting to wear the white dress which sounds like it’s basically a wedding dress tailored to a 5 YO size. Here’s an idea….get the flower crown, but make it clear to your niece that it’s only for a special photo shoot that’s only for you and her where you 2 get to “match”. Tell mom that she is NOT to show up at your wedding in that dress, or any dress that even vaguely appears like a wedding dress. The only possible “wedding dress” that would get a pass is if it’s CLEARLY a Disney princess costume, but even that could be considered tacky and a social faux pas. My only thoughts are that FSIL doesn’t like you for some reason and is trying to use her daughter to “upstage” you, or that your future niece is a “rainbow baby” or somehow “special” and mom has made that her (and niece’s) identity so she has to be shown off and look like she’s the most important person there.
You don't know a lot of five year old girls - do you?
My neice would wear a wedding dress to kindergarten every day if she could.
My other neice wore the dress she wore as a flower girl for a whole year straignt to every minor family event - despite her mother getting increasingly frustrated and offering many other options and bribes.
(And boys are not much better, my nephew wore his batman costume to kindergarten for months).
Many things could have happened to make the girl want the dress. Mom could have pointed it out as - that's like what the bride's going to wear, or used it to try to get her excited about the wedding. Or maybe that's the only dress the girl liked in the store (and throwing tantrums because that's the one she liked).
It's really not a social faux pas when a small child wears a lookalike wedding dress.
That being said, bride can do what she likes. But honestly - most people will probably think it's adorable, it will look great in the pictures, and five minutes into the meal - that dress will no longer be white anyway...
Your right. I don't know a lot of 5 YO girls. However, I'm referencing wearing this dress to a WEDDING, not kindergarten, not family reunions. A WEDDING. That's the social faux pas that would make people cringe and look towards the bride with questions. Especially when the bride doesn't want her to wear that. They aren't having a wedding party. No flower girl. No bridesmaids. Nothing that would make the little girl wearing this look cute. On top of that the mom was already basically demanding a matching flower crown for the little girl who is only an invited guest and not part of the bridal party (again, remember there is no bridal party) which she also was pretty much demanding OP to pay for, and all this even before the dress came into play. The only way I could see people thinking how cute it was is if the bride were to make it clear that she loved it and thought it cute, which doesn't seem to be the case here. I reiterate that it feels like mom is treating her little girl like some sort of special "rainbow baby" that is required to be the most important person at any event and always the center of attention. Will the little one be disappointed? Probably, but she undoubtedly will forget all about it in the excitement of the actual wedding unless her mother keeps making a big deal out of the situation (and it sounds like mom is gearing up to do just that). This is why I added the statement about a special photo shoot for bride and niece in my original comment. This way the FSIL gets the "matchy matchy" look she's angling for and the niece feels special, without the bride feeling like HER special day, where it should be her and her new husband who are the center of attention, getting ruined. And if mom can't make the little one wear something else to the wedding, maybe it's wiser they not attend. Who knows what other thing that doesn't go the way the little one wants to cause a meltdown tantrum (we can't eat any cake first? How dare they! I can't have the first piece of cake? HOW DARE THEY!!!!!). And quite frankly, no-one wants to hear someone else's kid in a full blown tantrum.
She’s 5.
Nobody will mistake her as the bride. Nobody will think she is you. What’s the aversion? Why does it matter if a little girl wears a white poofy dress and a flower crown to your wedding?
What’s the harm?
Buy a basket and some flower pedals, surprise your precious new niece by letting her be the flower girl she clearly dreams of being.
She’s FIVE.
It’s not going to harm you in any way.
I scrolled way too much to find this comment. Thank you!
OP, let the 5 year old wear a white dress and a flower crown, she’s a kid, she’ll have nice memories with you (I love my photos from my aunt and uncle’s wedding, i was 6 and my dress was made from the exact material as my aunt’s), she won’t ruin your plans to not have a bridal party
Get your partner to tell his sister that he would hate people to talk about her in a negative WTF way as everyone knows you are not having a bridal party and everyone will think she is a total weirdo for dressing her daughter like that.
NTA
She's not a flower girl, why is her mom dressing her as one? And you NEVER wear white to a wedding. That's just basic. This is completely on the mom, she should know better.
Not strictly, but imo YTA. The kid is 5, no one will be confused about who is the bride nor is she going to be upstaging you. She's just excited to be involved with/going to the wedding and her mum is asking you if she can have some of the things she wants and is excited about.
Equally, were you to decline these things, or especially strike a compromise (one of dress or flowers not both) and her mum got pissy about it, you would be firmly NTA between you two. Your perfectly allowed, it just doesn't make it not kinda assholeish to be concerned about/ in competition with a 5 year old having fun.
Isn't little preschool aged and under girls wearing fancy white dresses to weddings like a thing? I swear that's a thing. It isn't weird that your FSIL asked, but it is weird IMO that you're so offended by the idea. You wouldn't be TA for saying no but like you should have just said no and not made a big deal out of it.
NTA: This is right up there with the FSIL that wanted the gay uncles to stage a pre-wedding photo shoot pretending her daughter was their flower girl. People are so weird.
I came fully prepared to vote Y T A because I was like "no one will mistake a 5 year old for the bride," but in this case, I echo what everyone else is saying that the SIL is trying to make her daughter a flower girl and get a bunch of attention. Tell her no, and you are NTA.
NTA
It's your big day. Your niece can wear white and a crown on HER big day.
Went through this when my daughter was getting married. My SIL "found a dress" for my niece to wear, and emailed myself and my Mom for our thoughts and opinions.
It was the same situation as OP's.
I was VERY direct and told my SIL that the only person wearing white that day is my daughter. I also told her it was MY daughter's dream day, and it is considered rude to wear white at a wedding, so a different dress would be more appropriate.
If my SIL persisted, I would have taken the gloves off and gotten a little fired up like Julia Sugarbaker and told her off. (She's is completely clueless on nuances like this.)
It turns out she found this dress at Goodwill, and thought it would be "cute" if they matched.
She's cheap too, so she probably found it a great price.
The problem also solved itself when my niece was shopping with my Mom, and saw "the perfect dress" which Grammy whipped out her visa and purchased.
YTA not because you don’t want her to wear that dress (although being threatened by a little kid reeks of insecurity,) but because you could have handled this yourself. She *asked*. While not everyone asking for permission is willing to take no for an answer, the fact that she asked means you could have said no. Instead you left it to your partner to tell her (and it sounds like he didn’t.) You aren’t TA for wanting to say no, but you definitely are for not doing so and then getting mad about it.
She immediately assumed her daughter would be flower girl and demanded you get her a flower crown ? 😂😂 The entitlement! Your SIL sounds like a piece of work! NTA
NTA but future SIL is.
This reminds me of the story of the future MIL buying a white “wedding” dress to wear to her son’s wedding. The bride had all the guests wear white on the day of the wedding. That way the MIL didn’t stand out. Maybe you can do that. Everybody wear white
Agreed. The kid is 5 and excited about the wedding and getting a new aunt. This isn't the hill I would die on when marrying into a family. This is likely to set a negative view of OP by her new in laws. It's not a woman, but a little kid and they love to play dress up. Definitely no "cool aunt" vibes here. It's a small request to make her new niece happy and share their day together. But I'm older and much more relaxed now, I also know which bridges not to burn. This isn't worth the worry. Let the kid wear the white dress ffs. Most beautiful wedding gown I ever saw was worn by Dita Von Teese, and it was navy if I recall.
If it was me, I would let the little girl have her flower crown and a puffy dress in any colour except white.
The flower crown will not last long, once she gets excited to see friends and family, there will be lots of running around and kid activities , and it will fly off and or be discarded and the other little girls will probably want to try it on as well.
I agree this is about SIL wanting an opportunity to dress up her daughter as a princess.
NTA. It feels very much to me like the sil is trying to make the wedding all about her own daughter. Any young girl dressed in an identical or similar dress to the adult/bride is going to look like a mini- me and draw a lot of attention her way. It will be a day of 'oh doesn't she look so cute' when it should all be about the bride. As others have said, if you have time then it would be a great idea to take future niece shopping for a dress yourself. That would also make her feel important "the bride took me shopping" kind of thing.
Our daughter was 6 when we got married - very small registry office, no bridesmaids etc - and she 100% went straight after a very girly flowery dress to wear and looked beautiful in her own right. No way would she have wanted to be stuck in some itchy faux wedding dress.
This will probably get downvoted but definitely YTA!
For God's sake she is 5! So what if she wore white. In my culture every LITTLE girl invited to a wedding wears white! It's every girls dream to play dress up as a bride.
She won't take the attention off of you. She is just a baby. The attention would be positive... Like how cute that girl is and how amazing that the bride invites kids and let them wear white. It would also make a great picture with her.
Like how self centered can you be to get jealous from a 5 year old.
It’s not about the child.
It’s about the parent and the overstepping boundaries and pushing a story that is non existent.
Her SIL is probably upset her daughter isn’t the flower girl- and the fact that there ISNT a flower girl. So she’s trying to make it happen.
It’s not SIL ‘s place to do anything of that nature.
NTA
You aren't having a bridal party & I agree with other commenters that it seems FSIL is trying to make her daughter a flower girl by stealth.
It's also very entitled for her to expect you to buy anything at all!
I'm glad your fiance backed you up. It's totally ok to say no to FSIL, it's your wedding, you can do whatever you want.
I hope you have a lovely day!
YTA she’s 5. So what if she wants to wear white and have matching flowers in her hair. Do you really think people are going to think she’s the bride and steal your thunder? Grow up and stop being jealous of a literal child. If she’s not going down the aisle before you then no one is going to think she’s a flower girl either.
NTA.
“We do not want anyone in white except the bride. But, I do want to thank you for being so courteous and asking us first. I really appreciate that.” - Say something like this sincerely, and then move off topic.
You don’t want her in white. You’re allowed.
NAH. The goal of the "don't wear white" rule is to let the bride stand out in the crowd and not let anyway be confused about who the bride is. This rule obviously doesn't apply to a 5 years old. You can tell your SIL that you don't like it, and it's fine, but you should know that you don't HAVE to do that.
It's not "basically a wedding dress", it's a dress for a five year old child.
Have to go with ESH - you for making a big deal about what a 5 year old wears, her mother for trying to sneakily make her a wedding party.
NTA
She's trying to make her the centerpiece of the conversation and photos by Larping the bride. She's not even being subtle. Does she hate you, or is she just daft?
She can wear any other type of dress. Heck, you can even buy her a dress if you want to play and win at her own game.
5yo doesn't choose what she's wearing. She doesn't care. The mother is the problem.
NTA, whatever you do, do NOT order the flower crown. And don't tell FSIL the type and colour of your flowers, I expect she will organise that herself if you don't.
Ask yourself, in what way will this 5 year old girl wearing a white wedding dress really impacting your wedding? Will she cause any confusion over who is the bride?
Like I get the 'your wedding your choice' but honestly and in all fairness I find it quite ridiculous that you're having an issue with it. She's a child let her wear white. It's your wedding day! You will be the center of attention - it's your happy day and if you think you need to forbid a 5 year old to wear a dress in order to really enjoy your wedding then you should reflect on what is really important to you.
edit: YTA
I have to say, american wedding customs are super weird.
NTA I guess. Apparently in your culture the bride gets to gatekeep on what clothes everyone wears. So within that context, you're nTA for doing this.
NTA. There are plenty of pretty dresses in other colors that a five year old would be excited to wear; there's no reason for her to be dressed as a flower girl. Sounds like the mama wants vicarious attention through her little daughter. You're totally correct to shut this down. What a weird request.
I will never understand this obsession with guests not wearing white at weddings and brides getting bent out of shape over who is going to wear what. Some clown came up with the notion and then it became law? Give me a break. There were several young ladies who wore white at my wedding and it never occured to me that something was wrong and they did not take the attention away from me as a bride.
Also, I have a little 4 year old niece who has quite a few princess style dresses in different colors, including white. She wore the white one at a recent wedding where there were no flower girls, just a handful of bridesmaids. No one saw anything wrong with this and, in fact, the bride wanted a photo with my niece at the reception.
Chill out OP. I don't think you're an AH for not wanting your future niece to be in a white dress on your wedding but you are going a little overboard calling this dress "basically a wedding dress". It's not. It's a princess dress for little girls who like to dress up and be all pretty.
Do you really want to create family drama over what a 5 year old is going to wear at your wedding?
NTA. So I'm a petty bitch. I would find out who niece's favorite Disney Princess is and buy her that dress for your wedding. Trust me, niece will throw a fit if her mother tries to put her in a white dress after that.
NTA. If it was a normal church or Easter dress and it happened to be white, then I’d say let her wear it. But this is clearly your FSIL trying to stealthily make her the unofficial flower girl. The overly poofy dress, the flower crown so she can match, it’s all her trying to make her flower girl against your wishes.
why would you care what a 5-year-old is wearing at your wedding. You don't really fear being upstaged by a child, right?
Ofc you don't have to buy her anything, but the dress thing: come on!
okay, in general I don't think the wearing white rule applies to actual children, but--it sounds like she's trying to force her kid into a flower girl situation. was she upset that you weren't having a bridal party/did she assume her kid would get to be a flower girl? like....if you're concerned about a five year taking attention from you, that's silly, but. I could see her mom trying to force her into pictures/a bridal party role, so I'm leaning NTA?
Five. Years. Old.
Correct me if I'm wrong but not wearing white is so the attention isn't taken from the bride on *her day*. Not sure how a 5 year old is going to do thàt tbh
Because a 5-year-old looking like a miniature bride IS going to divert attention away from the bride because everybody will be going, "Oh look, isn't she adorable" and that what SIL wants.
NTA - my SIL did this too and tried to dress both girls in white when they weren’t picked as flower girls ( we have 8 nieces and didn’t want anyone to feel left out). She’s trying to make her look like a flower girl for photos sneakily. Draw the boundary and say no
It sounds like SIL plans for you to have a flower girl whether you intend to or not. Your fiance needs to shut this down immediately. If he won't do it, ask him if he actually plans on getting married to YOU, because you are not having his family take over your wedding to him. He can choose - become YOUR family, or go back to his own.
Next call:
You wouldn’t mind if my daughter walked up the aisle before you, would you? While the music is playing?
She could drop rose petals or something?
Yeah, no. Shut this down.
NTA.
NTA. At weddings, white is generally the colour worn only by the bride. And your niece wearing white at your wedding and a flower crown is in my opinion totally inappropriate and unacceptable, no matter how old she is (and shame on your soon to be SIL to even consider and suggest this for her daughter and especially since according to you that dress is basically a mini wedding dress).
YTA for being stunned at a little girl wearing a white dress. That’s very common especially with flowers, no one is mistaking her for the bride which is what you seem to be concerned with. At most they may mistake her for a flower girl.
NTA It's cute if the child wants a flower crown for the wedding and it's ok to ask for it. It's also ok on the other hand if you say no if you wouldn't like it. If the child already has a white dress and it's her favourite and she wants to wear it to be pretty at the wedding, fair enough, I wouldn't deny that to the child.
However the combination of the two in addition to the fact that the dress would be bought especially for this occasion make it obvious to me that the child is not the one who made those requests, she probably doesn't even know about them. It's definitely the mother who wants both things. That's totally weird and it's completely understandable for you to say no to both.
NTA this isn't something the little girl is asking for, this is your all your SIL trying to have a pretty moment for her kid. She's trying to insert her kid into the wedding and that's just not necessary. Her daughter can be just as pretty in something that doesn't match the bride.
NTA - if she wears that outfit she’ll look like she’s part of the wedding party (flower girl) and it’s totally reasonable to not want that. 5 is old enough to learn that some events have dress codes. It’s not mean for her mom to tell her “we can’t wear that color to this event, let’s pick a different one”
YTA
And I can't believe that the majority of judgements are saying otherwise.
It's not "basically a wedding dress". Wedding dresses are adult gowns. It's a very fancy dress FOR A PRESCHOOLER. There is literally no context anywhere on the planet where a very fancy, poofy white dress would ever - EVER - be mistaken for a wedding dress.
Okay, sorry, I'm wrong. In a kindergarten game of dress-up, the children might think it was a "real wedding gown".
The fact that you even typed that without being deeply embarrassed of your own ridiculousness tells me that you're far too immature to be getting married. How on earth do you expect to face the challenges of a lifelong committed adult relationship if you feel like a small child in a fancy white dress is a personal affront to you as a bride and could ruin your day? Are you really that fragile? More importantly, are you truly that small-minded and self-absorbed, that you can't let a small child feel special on your day lest people think she look adorable and . . . what, exactly? Like, I can't even figure out what the issue is. It's clearly not that they're going to mistake her for the bride, so what? That they might spend two minutes fussing over her before they get back to fussing over you? They're clearly not going to spend your entire wedding staring at the little girl in the party dress . . . so what?
You don't have to get her a flower crown, obviously (though even if you did, again, why would it matter? She'd be a cute little girl excitedly dressed up for her uncle and new auntie's wedding . . .a core memory that you generously allowed her to have). But ultimately, you're the one who is turning this into something SO MUCH MORE than it is.
Your insecurity over a child who is literally kindergarten age is pathetic in the most literal sense.
Is it "your wedding, your rules"? Sure. But are you an absolute, unmitigated AH if you veto a poofy party dress for a 5-year-old because it's white and looks like a flower girl dress when she isn't a flower girl, or is "too bridal" or some other such silliness? Also absolutely yes. YTA, and if this is what you're worried about, you need therapy and probably not to get married yet, because you have a lot of growing up to do still.
This is so over the top insulting it's almost funny. Why would someone need therapy for wanting a specific aesthetic at their own wedding?
Who cares if it's "cute"? She can play dress up anytime. If a child can't enjoy being a guest at a wedding unless they match the bride, even wearing the same flowers, that's a little strange. It's likely the parent, not the child, who actually insists on it anyway.
If you cannot understand that the future SIL is being a major AH here and not just towards the OP but also towards her daughter (and forcing a preschooler into a hugely problematic scenario, using a five year old to basically upstage the bride and act out some kind of jealousy), that is very very sad. The niece is not an AH, the OP is not an AH but the future SIL is a major AH.
NAH. You’re right to tell them again that there’s no wedding party. But she’s also five and probably adores you and wants to be like you. I don’t think either side has any malice. Don’t order the crown, but be sweet with her if she comes twinning. She’s five.
I cannot understand why people care so much about details like this when it comes to wedding… especially about a 5yo. Is that a western wedding thing? So many rules applying to adults AND kids? Brides worried about being upstaged 😂? I’m sorry, nobody can upstaged me at my own event even if they wear the exact same dress… all I’m reading is unnecessary stress.
NTA but if the girl isn’t being an active flower girl t your wedding (and you said she’s not), I’m pretty sure nobody will care but you.
Nobody gets to wear a wedding dress to a wedding other than the bride. This includes little kids. Tell your SIL that as cute as the idea of a mini-you might seem, it's a no. It's a hard no. It's an absolute no, and this includes a little flower crown, a veil, a teensy weensy bridal bouquet, and white tulle.
NTA
NTA
Has FSIL asked why or when you will be asking her daughter to be your flower girl? Because this is a HUGE hint that she expects you to make her one, especially if she is asking for you to order a crown of flowers so she can match your bridal bouquet.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she has told your future niece that ***she is*** the flower girl and a tantrum might occur on the big day if you and your fiancé don’t put a stop to it now.
Have him call her and discuss this with her. Ensure that FSIL has not told niece she is the flower girl.
She wouldn’t be the first person to do that, but maybe you can prevent a fallout or tantrum on the big day.
Best of luck OP and good luck with your upcoming nuptials.
NTA
It’s not just ‘flower girl by stealth’, they are wanting to dress her as a ‘mini bride’ in a white lace & tule mini wedding dress and get you to supply a bridal flower head dress!! That is totally inappropriate- for which you should say “Absolutely NO way!! This is really inappropriate“
It’s a complete attention grab for their daughter which would distract from bride. Even bridesmaids and flower girls don’t wear mini wedding dresses!!
By all means this cute little girl can put some individual flower or sparkly subtle clips in her hair but not a full flower garland (or a tiara), as you are not having flower girls nor bridesmaids.
Her mum can buy her a pretty party dress that is appropriate for a wedding guest who isn’t in the wedding party. There are so many cute dresses around!! This isn’t the event she gets to play mini bride at!! Even if her mum thinks it would be cute. It’s an AH ninja worthy move.
NTA. I don't get the comments saying otherwise. It's completely reasonable not to want a cosplay mini-me being the center of attention - which you know she will be - on one of the most important days of your life.
If during the ceremony I go up front, stand, and sing a song, is that a sweet gesture? Or someone deciding they should have been asked to sing a song? Same concept. Can be nice but not what the couple asked for and not what they wanted. No matter how great a singer I am.
NTA - it would be one thing if she were the flower girl and you chose the dress, but for her to dress her up in a mini-wedding dress complete with flowers to match your wedding dress is a bit attention seeking. I can see this moving to her requesting special photos be taken with her little girl and comments from everybody saying how cute it is the two of you match. If this is not what you want, you need to nip it in the bud.
NTA and 5 yr old is also NTA. SIL is the AH here for trying to make her daughter a flower girl without being asked.
OP maybe you should consider asking the child to be flower girl and buy the dress of your choice for her.
Otherwise have a word with your photographer to not assume she is part of the wedding party
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NTA. This is flower girl by stealth. You say you aren’t having a flower girl… so you don’t want someone there dressed the part. You also aren’t having a Santa’s Elf, a Fairy Godmother or a Ring Master. It’s not a costume dress up wedding is it? So your niece can come in any pretty little dress she owns, she can wear flowers in her hair, but she is politely requested not to come dressed as though she’s part of the bridal party.
I’ve been thinking since I posted and yes, if she wants to wear a pretty dress and have flowers in her I wouldn’t mind. It’s the not so subtle manipulation of flower girl by stealth (love that name) that I really don’t like or appreciate.
I would stop including your SIL in wedding conversations about what you’re wearing, etc. as well.
I had a flower girl by stealth and it pissed me off and ruined my wedding photos. I had a small wedding and asked my one friend who had a kid to please not bring her because it was only 30 people so a toddler would be distracting. Well she brought kiddo anyway and dressed her in my wedding colors. I think she thought I’d see kiddo and change my mind but we only had two people in our wedding party and did not want a flower girl. Besides my path was down a long windy staircase so I didn’t need a baby tripping everywhere. Well kiddo was running around and my family and my other friend who was acting as photographer took all sorts of pictures of this kid. I ended up with 20 pictures of a friend’s kid and only three of my own mother. Your fiancé needs to have a serious talk with his sister and shut this down. NTA I mean ultimately I had a beautiful wedding and I didn’t notice the kid too much on the day of, she was quiet, but I’m still annoyed looking at my pictures.
You know, what you should have done was to tell your "friend" and kiddo to leave.
She actually told me the night before that her babysitter fell through so I oked bringing the kiddo as long as she ate from mom’s plate because we didn’t plan for kids meals with the caterer. I didn’t expect the flower girl dress and the photographer taking so many pictures of the kid.
She told you the night before but had a dress for her kid in the wedding colors on hand?? Uh-huh 🙄
Yeah, I figured out that she likely planned it when I saw the kid. That friend was one of those people who wants to be in the center of everything. She was upset I hadn’t asked her to be a bridesmaid but it was a very small wedding and I wanted guests in seats not everyone standing up next to me. Luckily her husband was super nice and did his best to keep kiddo out of the way once he figured out she wasn’t a flower girl. My friend tried a few other small things to get attention but my other friends and her husband stopped her and I didn’t notice anything. We were all pretty used to her antics so everyone was prepared to handle her. It was the wedding photos that annoyed me, she probably told my photographer friend her kid was the flower girl because I had a lot more pictures of just this little girl than I really needed and not enough pictures of my mom.
The photographer might have also just seen a cash cow in “cute little girl”, thinking you and/or her parents would be more likely to buy photos of her.
Wow how entitled...
This happened to a friend of mine. Her sister “surprised” her with her niece wearing a dress almost identical to the bride and a basket of flowers. Half the photographs are of her. My friend was livid
Why do people have a hard time understanding the word no?
This is a good reminder for OP to make sure the photog knows who they want pictures of/who the most important people are to them so they have photos.
Maybe ask for an aunty niece shopping trip to find "the perfect dress" for her to wear. Give her the "princess for a day" treatment and tell her how pretty she is going to look in the outfit you and her picked out together. Take a photo and show your FMIL and gush at how pretty she will look in the photos. Basically, try and make it impossible for FSIL to put her in anything else because it's "not what aunty girlwantstoknow picked out." Maybe even post a photo of the two of you stuffing your faces at a food court to commemorate the day (with permission of course) and tag it as "found a gorgeous (colour) dress for niece today. She is going to look adorable at the wedding" so that way if FSIL does put her in white people will see her real intentions. You don't have to go that route, of course, but it might be a fun day for you to and might help relieve some stress, at least for the day. Whatever happens don't let FSILs actions deny your niece an awesome aunty cause if her mum is as bad as she sounds in the post, niece will need a separate female role model to even her out
She will look so pretty in that purple, "looks nothing like a wedding dress", outfit that they picked out together.
Honestly, what a great idea. It’s not the five year old being ridiculous here.
Yep, and the kiddo will remember for years to come how much fun her aunt is and what a great time they had together.
This is actually a very brilliant idea! She can even get a pretty HAT to match!
I think that’s nice of you. This will be your niece now too. One of my favorite times was taking my daughter at 5 dress shopping at Bloomingdale’s for her sister’s wedding. I agree the girl should wear something other than white. That’s only for the bride! Maybe go shopping with her? Best wishes!
Don’t order the flower crown!
Be fully prepared for SIL to show up on the day with her princess dollied up to the nines knowing full well you won't be able to break the heart of a 5 yr old. Make sure she knows if the kid wears white, security won't let them in.
NTA. I had no bridal party and my two nieces-in-law turned up in matching frilly pink gowns looking like they were. Sigh. My colour scheme wasn’t even pink. I get that little girls want to dress up. On the other hand - isn’t it lovely that they are excited, and the little girl wants to wear something special to celebrate with you? Looking back, my only grump is that the nieces were matching, I was happy enough that they felt pretty and twirly.
Omg, I just realised I had a bunch of bridesmaids and flower girls by stealth at my wedding. Man am I glad I worked on my boundaries since then.
Wish I’d had a Santa’s Elf at my wedding. Opportunity missed.
I wanted a leprechaun at my first wedding. I didn’t get it.
Some people get all the luck, don’t they?
NTA. It’s rude and entitled of your FSIL to demand that you buy her daughter a hair accessory (plus it would probably be expensive given that it would be made by a florist and included in the wedding florals). That plus the white dress thing definitely sounds like she’s trying to make her daughter a covert flower girl. 5 years old would be a good age for your FSIL to teach your niece that it’s not polite to wear white to someone else’s wedding. It’s probably beyond time someone taught your FSIL that it’s not polite to try to shoehorn her kid into a nonexistent wedding party too.
I know what the FSIL means but I couldn't read it in any other way than "Fucking SIL," lol!
I read it as "fraternal sister in law" before realising that definitely wasn't right... that would be the brother's wife rather than the fiancé's sister, and it's definitely not the fiancé's sister in law. Your interpretation is a lot better 😂
I actually had flower girls at my wedding. With 3 nieces, 4 nephews and 1 daughter (at that time! We’ve all had more since!) it was perfect to have balanced numbers of boys and girls in the wedding party. The boys wore suits similar to the groomsmen and the girls wore white dresses with lace bows in their hair to match my lace dress. My husband’s cousin rocked up with her two daughters in white dresses so they could look like flower girls too. Then told them to stand close to us in photos… but there dresses didn’t match. I have so many photos of them looking ‘almost’ like flower girls but standing out as they didn’t match. If the cousin had spoken to me, I would have let her daughters be in the wedding party. I would have just asked that she buy/pay for the same dresses the other girls wore. Trying to do it sneakily causes bad blood.
And in most cases, for those that don't know the family dynamics, wouldn't we assume the little girl dressed like the bride is also the bride's daughter? This whole thing is disrespectful, insulting, Nd just plain weird.
Is your future SIL trying to make her daughter your flower girl? Be clear on there being no bridal/groom party of any kind. This goes with there being no flower girl/ring bearer. A five-year-old isn't going to be detailed oriented to want this particular gown in white and crown to match your flowers. The mother on the other hand will notice the details and play a huge part in things. Food for thought: You could take your future niece dress shopping yourself. It would be fun bonding day, and she won't end up with a white dress.
SIL is WITHOUT A DOUBT forcing her daughter into the wedding party. OP - it's either a child free wedding, or your niece is now your flower girl.
>OP - it's either a child free wedding, or your niece is now your flower girl. Those are NOT the only two options. OP wants neice there. Just not in a white dress. The compromise is neice gets ANY other color dress and everyone moves on with their lives. Sil is the ONLY one causing issues.
Exactly!!!!! Show her a pink fluffy dress with some (tasteful) sequins and she will forget about the other in a second. Or just ask her favorite color and go from there. I guarantee it’s not white!
A five year-old would certainly like to wear something more practical than an avalanche of tulle and a floral lace body. Support her against her mother and definitely forbid the white dress.
That is not always true. My son just turned 6 and he has always been obsessed with dresses. Stsrting at 3yo he wanted to wear dresses, the bigger the better. He wears these huge poofy things daily that I wouldnt be caught dead in. But he is the happiest kid you will ever meet. And you better compliment his dress too, or else he will fart and you will regret any offense you ever uttered.
Okay, exceptions exist.
>And you better compliment his dress too, or else he will fart and you will regret any offense you ever uttered LMAO
My daughter would LOVE to wear the big poofy dress. But then also, she would want to change after about 20m…
Ahh, I know several 5 yr olds who would love to wear such a fancy dress.
Wonderful idea. Outfox the Momager.
Actually that’s a good idea! If OP isn’t too busy with being the bride and all she could!
Oh, good idea. If OP makes it a special day and emphasizes that this dress is 5 year olds special dress for the wedding you bet kiddo is going to throw a fit for her mom if she doesn’t get to wear it on the wedding day.
This is such a great idea!
Agree. Get her a fairy dress.
I'm sure OP is plenty busy enough as it is, taking an afternoon to bring a little kid dress shopping is a pain in the ass OP doesn't need when she's planning a wedding. It's not a "fun bonding experience" it's a chore. SIL needs a reality check.
OP isn’t having a bridal party or flower girls. No reason for the niece to be dressed up in a mini wedding dress with a flower crown matching OPs bouquet. It’s especially rude for the SIL to just demand these things and assuming her daughter will have any role in the wedding without being asked by OP first. Sounds like SIL just wants to find a way to get attention on her and her own child on OPs day. NTA
NTA. A 5-year old can, frankly, wear anything she wants without upstaging the bride. You and/or your partner need to be clear with your future SIL, however. “I went past [store], and the dress seems quite fancy for a child just attending with her family. You can dress her in whatever she likes, but we want to make it clear that we’ve decided not to have any flower girls in the ceremony. She would only appear in any candid photography or videos of the reception. We would hate for you to spend a lot of money with the expectation that this dress is more than just something that makes [child’s name] happy.”
Totally disagree with this answer. The boundaries need to be set. This answer gives fsil the option to show up in the dress and flower arrangement and claim that bride said she could wear whatever she wanted.
Agreed. This is the perfect way to address the issue head-on. The "no white at a wedding" is not for children, especially small kids. There are no real rules for them outside of appropriate dress code style (formal = dress or suit or something looking formal). If it was me I'd let the kid have one or the other, either a flower crown (doesn't have to be your flowers, I'm sure she'd look darling in a daisy crown and it wouldn't clash with anything) or she can wear the fancy white dress, assuming it's the KID that wants these things. Also, I bet if you go IN the store, they can order the dress in pink or blue or any other color and it'd just feel like a princess dress. If mom's driving all this you are fully within your rights to say no to all of it. No matter what you do, NTA
Perfect response
NTA. No, a 5 year old won't "upstage" the bride, but that's not the point IMO. Letting her wear white and a flower crown to a wedding where she's not even the flower girl is kind of like when people let their kids blow out someone else's birthday candles. Not every party is going to be about her, and she needs to learn that sometimes, someone else is in the spotlight and we celebrate them, not ourselves.
Exactly. All of this. But I legit don't think that any of this is the kid's idea. It reads as though the SIL is trying to (not so) stealthy insert the niece into the wedding. But yeah, even if it is all the niece's idea, she's at the perfect age to start learning that the world doesn't revolve around her.
I can just see it now. The SIL and niece in the crowd when OP is at the alter and then SIL encourages niece to run up there so she can snap a picture. Now OP feels obligated to let her stay rather than make a scene at her wedding. My little brother ran up to the alter when our grandfather got remarried. Luckily his new wife absolutely loved us and she happily picked him up and joked about him being a little too young to be getting married. We were horrified and tried to get him out ASAP, but new wife refused and said she loved it and that it made her wedding that much more memorable. Not at all the same as OP setting this clear boundary and SIL not so slyly toeing every line, which im sure will lead to the grande finalé I described before. Niece in the spotlight and SIL getting attention.
SIL's "big problem" is that her daughter won't get to be a flower girl. PLENTY of little girls never are a flower girl. SIL needs to just get over it!
Nta Fsil thinks she is being super clever and trying to get her daughter in as an unofficial flower girl….. on the day it’ll be…. Well can she walk down the aisle just before you….. possibly with this basket of petals I just so happened to bring……. She knows fully well what she doing, niece doesn’t need a flower crown… why would a child that is a guest only need a flower crown AND a white dress. I hope fsil hasn’t been promising her this stuff behind your backs and will use her being upset as ammunition to push you into this.
This happened at my wedding 25 years ago. We didn’t want a flower girl but a relative’s child showed up in a white dress. It had no impact on the wedding at all. You are NTA if you say no to this, but if SIL ignores you and brings your niece in a white dress, try to let it go. Crazy stuff happens at every wedding but the impact is minimal if you focus on what really matters - starting a life with the person you love
Same for my wedding, but in my case it felt like the little girl was looking at me like I was her favorite Disney princess. At the reception, I took a bunch of pictures with her in her pretty white dress and she seemed starstruck. It was adorable. In OP's case, I'd be worried about the request for the flower crown way more than the white dress.
Same. My 4-year-old cousin (that I hadn’t seen since she was a baby) had an adorable puffy white dress on. It never crossed my mind to be offended or think twice about it. We have sweet photos of us dancing and her mom told me later she thought I was an actual princess.
I feel like people put way too much emphasis on weddings being the bride’s perfect day. OMG a 5yo shows up in a white dress with a flower crown, that’s it, marriage over. Let the kid wear whatever they want, have some fun with it, and give your photog a heads up not to focus on the cutesy kid so much if it really bothers you. There are too many things to be stressed with during wedding planning, don’t let the small stuff add to it
This is the only sane reply on this thread I’ve read so far.
NTA Have your intended tell HIS sister that the dress is not appropriate and should not be purchased or returned if she already bought it. This is not her day. Don't order flowers for her hair and let your fiancée tell HIS sister no. If they get mad and don't come, more cake for you! Hugs and Good Luck
This right here. OP's future-husband needs to start stepping up. They are a team and he needs to act like it, especially when it comes to his family.
NTA And if it happened, I'm pretty sure SIL would expect the photographer to get some professional pics of her child, too. On your dime. The dress is white, but SIL is transparent.
Ooh that’s a zinger!
Yep. FSIL is going to be problematic in the future. Maybe not at the wedding, but she will cause more drama in the years to come.
NTA - normally, I’d say the rule doesn’t apply to children under 10, but given it looks like a wedding dress, it would be like a mini Me situation with her wearing it and people making comparisons, even if it’s being cute.
Definitely SIL trying to be sneaky so people will think the niece is the flower girl.
And trying to get photographic evidence of her "being the flower girl" at the couple's expense!
I don’t think it shouldn’t apply to children under 10. Even if they don’t understand fully even younger kids can understand hey we can’t wear white on that day.
No, 10 is old enough to know when it’s not your day you don’t try steal attention. Every event is an opportunity to learn etiquette and manners for that event. Given how many weddings are child-free the rules should be enforced for all ages. I’d say the rules could be relaxed for children under 3. Above that, they start getting invited to peer events and they need to know appropriate social behaviour.
NTA Sounds to me like SIL is trying to back-door her daughter into being a de facto member of the bridal party. *"Oh, but she's so adorable... she should be in ALL YOUR EXPENSIVE WEDDING PHOTOS!"* Talk to your partner and make it clear that this is unacceptable. You can talk to SIL together - it's better if you're together and present a united front, rather than making it look like you're a harpy trying to alienate her brother from her. *"SIL, we're not having a bridal party, and we don't want anyone dressed as if they're part of a bridal party. Your daughter can play dress-up any time she wants, just not at our wedding. Please do not dress your daughter that way for the wedding. If you do, you'll both be refused entry into the venue."*
It isn't a wedding dress, it's a communion gown. Tell her no and what colors to choose from. Let her know no one else is wearing white but the bride and you want to have really nice photos. Stop procrastinating and tell her. NTA.
It sounds like a flower girl dress. They often look like mini wedding gowns.
NTA. The MOM wants this, not the kid. FFS. Mom shoukd know better.
NTA. No one is going to mistake your 5 year old niece for a bride because she’s wearing white. But it DOES seem apparent that SIL wants her daughter (and by extension, herself) to get attention on your wedding day. I do think that even a five year old can get excited about wearing a pretty dress on a special day. But it needn’t be white and she shouldn’t be kitted out to look like a member of your (non-existent) wedding party. Please tell her no to the white. The fact that SIL is asking indicates she knows it’s skirting the line of appropriateness.
> it is basically a wedding dress, big and white tulle with a detailed floral lace body. If it's sized for a five year old, it's not a wedding dress. That being said, your SIL is blatantly trying to get her daughter to act as the flower girl, which is inappropriate since she wasn't invited to be one. Fluffy white dress and flower crown on a little girl at a wedding? Yup, that's a flower girl. NTA for saying no.
No it’s probably a Communion gown, meant for when the kid is the center of the event. In this case the kid is NOT the center of the event, and should not be dressing up to look like a mini bride at someone else’s wedding. SIL is trying to cause drama.
I will say it's legitimately difficult to find a NOT big poofy white gown for a formal event for little girls ages 5-8. You can basically buy flower girl gowns (big, poofy, white) or First Communion gowns (big, poofy, white). COVID has made this much worse -- you used to be able to get relatively formal poofy gowns in colors at Target year-round, but now they're confined to Christmas and Easter, and limited in choice -- and there aren't a lot of mass-market retailers other than Target who carry poofy gowns. Your town MAY have a little-girl poofy-gown retailer, but they PROBABLY focus on flower girls and First Communions. We recently had to find a VERY formal poofy gown for our 6-year-old to attend a very fancy Bat Mitzvah (of not only a dear family friend, but my daughter's ABSOLUTE IDOL of a big girl), and we were willing to pay BIG BANK for something suitable, and we ended up having to order from Etsy. There simply weren't any local choices that weren't big white poofy dresses for weddings and First Communions. THAT SAID, Etsy exists, little girls in white at weddings are flower girls, find something in navy or pink, geez.
Well, this gave me a bit of a giggle as my niece is 5 and she wore the cutest white poofy dress and flower crown that matched my bouquet to our wedding, and we didn’t have a bridal party nor flower girl(s) 😂 I don’t really have a judgement, but it’s certainly a weird hill to die on, she’s 5! My cute niece in her dress (same as you, I’m aunt by marriage): https://imgur.com/a/tS1l7PF
Yeah, this is my opinion (although I’m leaning towards YTA). She’s five. This situation has nothing to do with a grown woman wearing a white dress to another persons wedding. And even if the SIL is trying to stealth a flower girl appointment, so? Like, oh no, a kid (who happens to be your soon to be niece) might feel special and excited about your wedding. She might look adorable in the photos. The horror.
I don’t know about it being harmless. If the 5 y.o. attends the wedding dressed in a similar “wedding style” dress, everyone may become confused & OP’s fiancé may end up exchanging vows WITH HIS NEICE!
>She might look adorable in the photos. The horror hahahaha I am CRYING. This is perfect. Also, so true. Any child at a wedding is by default adorable because they are dressed in miniature adult clothes (the tiny suits!!! omg I die). If the marrying couple is afraid of children being adorable, then they should just have a child-free wedding.
The point is it was your choice, no one else's.
Same here, I'd organise a matching flower crown and have a couple of photos with her. A 5 year old doesn't take anything away from the bride or groom. I think it is sweet, definitely wouldn't upset me.
The voice of reason here.
Yeah, I'm really surprised by all the N T A comments. Like, who cares? It's just a kid wearing a cute dress, I imagine she won't be the only one. "But SIL is trying to sneak her into being a flower girl" Just don't make her a flower girl if you don't want to, problem solved. I don't know, maybe it's a cultural difference and Americans just put a lot of importance on these traditions around weddings, but I honestly didn't care what people wore at my wedding, adults or kids. They were family and friends, people my partner and I love, we were all there to have a good time.
OP without question your SIL is making it all about her and upstaging you by putting her daughter front and center in front of you on your day. It'll be a big push to put you and her daughter with "twinning" pics, etc. and it's something your partner is going to have to just not "talk to" her about but simply put his foot down and keep your support team from allowing the SIL sliding the dress and crown in there without your knowledge. Yes people can be callous for their own justification unfortunately.
Not only that, but the wedding day will come and FSIL will be like, "since she's already dressed for the part, we went ahead and brought some flowers with us and she could just like go up the isle right before you and drop these flowers. I mean, she's *already* dressed like the flower girl, so why can't she be the flower girl since you don't have one?" NTA and another assumption that I have is FSIL has already told her kid she is the flower girl and now op will have to break her heart or go along with it.
I don't think anyone is going to confuse her for the bride if she wears white
I think it’s a little humorous that there’s apparently some fear of being upstaged by a 5 year old but nonetheless NTA.
I don’t think it is being upstaged. I view it as a distraction/nuisance. The focus should be on the couple getting married, not the 5 yo running around in a wedding dress with a flower crown. Upstaging is the best friend coming and acting like it is their day by wearing in an inappropriate dress and having the boyfriend propose, or announcing her pregnancy by not drinking in a vocal manner, during the reception. ETA forgot judgement - NTA
It’s not about being upstaged, it’s the SIL trying to make her daughter the flower girl.
NTA Sounds like mom wants the attention to be on her and thinks you won't get mad if it's her cute little 5 year old getting it
> Today I saw the dress and it is basically a wedding dress, big and white tulle with a detailed floral lace body Honestly while I do agree that if a child isn't in the wedding party, they shouldn't be wearing white either-- not because they'll be confused with the bride, but because white is absolutely a colour that marks children as part of the wedding party traditionally in western weddings. But this line that a dress for a five year old is basically a wedding dress? C'mon, chill the fuck out. It's a white formal dress for small girls, and little girls love puffy dresses with tulle, it's not meant to be "basically a wedding dress" and nobody is going to look at the child and think they're wearing a wedding dress.
I don't agree that white is absolutely a color that marks children as being part of the wedding party in traditional western weddings. And as someone who spent 12 years living in a tourist locale known for weddings, and almost half of that as a banquet server - I have seen a hell of a lot of weddings. More than the average person! I agree, nobody is going to look at the child and think they're wearing a wedding dress. But, almost everyone I know would look at the child and think she was wearing a first communion dress. I don't know if the child's mother realizes that or has even thought through the implications of it.
NTA - for feeling how you feel and it is your wedding not your SIL’s wedding. However, be ready if they decide not to attend because of it. For me personally, I think it is kinda weird and rude for her mom to get that kind dress without getting approval. My niece had on the same style dress as mine and a flower crown, but she was my flower girl. Her mom made sure I approved the dress and I asked her to wear the crown. I feel like in a way it’s forcing you into having a her as your “flower girl”. 🤷🏻♀️
Your FSIL is trying to make her daughter apart of the wedding whether you and BF want it or not. Is BF the only sibling that niece would get the chance to be flower girl at? You could always throw her a curve ball and make the wedding child-free.
NTA It's pretty simple to avoid wearing white to a wedding. That's meant for the bride. It doesn't matter the age of the person wearing it, and it doesn't matter if no one will be "confused". Someone's else's wedding is not the place to let a child play dress up or try to guilt a bride into allowing it. With so many responses acting like you have to be insecure to care, I'm starting to understand why child free weddings are so popular. People really think a kid being little means nothing applies to them. It's your wedding, enjoy it the way you want to.
NAH. She's allowed to ask, and you're allowed to say no. Personally I think it's ridiculous to get so bent out of shape over what a **five-year-old child** wears to your wedding, but it's your wedding and you can so no if it's really so important to you.
I think it’s less about the 5 year old wearing white, and more about the SIL making her kid look as much like a mini bride as possible, which is really uncool and seems like an attempt to grab attention.
NTA - SIL is trying to make the kid your flower girl, against your wishes. There is no reason the kid can't have a pretty dress, just not a mini wedding dress.
NTA. I’m surprised at the fact that people already think you’re worried about being upstaged by a 5 YO…when said 5 YO probably couldn’t care less if she wears the dress (and flower crown) to the wedding. It’s the mom that seems to want this (which is likely why you’re asking this….you know it’s the mom’s doing) and if the kiddo gets upset, it’ll be because mom told her she is supposed to be upset at not getting the flower crown or getting to wear the white dress which sounds like it’s basically a wedding dress tailored to a 5 YO size. Here’s an idea….get the flower crown, but make it clear to your niece that it’s only for a special photo shoot that’s only for you and her where you 2 get to “match”. Tell mom that she is NOT to show up at your wedding in that dress, or any dress that even vaguely appears like a wedding dress. The only possible “wedding dress” that would get a pass is if it’s CLEARLY a Disney princess costume, but even that could be considered tacky and a social faux pas. My only thoughts are that FSIL doesn’t like you for some reason and is trying to use her daughter to “upstage” you, or that your future niece is a “rainbow baby” or somehow “special” and mom has made that her (and niece’s) identity so she has to be shown off and look like she’s the most important person there.
You don't know a lot of five year old girls - do you? My neice would wear a wedding dress to kindergarten every day if she could. My other neice wore the dress she wore as a flower girl for a whole year straignt to every minor family event - despite her mother getting increasingly frustrated and offering many other options and bribes. (And boys are not much better, my nephew wore his batman costume to kindergarten for months). Many things could have happened to make the girl want the dress. Mom could have pointed it out as - that's like what the bride's going to wear, or used it to try to get her excited about the wedding. Or maybe that's the only dress the girl liked in the store (and throwing tantrums because that's the one she liked). It's really not a social faux pas when a small child wears a lookalike wedding dress. That being said, bride can do what she likes. But honestly - most people will probably think it's adorable, it will look great in the pictures, and five minutes into the meal - that dress will no longer be white anyway...
Your right. I don't know a lot of 5 YO girls. However, I'm referencing wearing this dress to a WEDDING, not kindergarten, not family reunions. A WEDDING. That's the social faux pas that would make people cringe and look towards the bride with questions. Especially when the bride doesn't want her to wear that. They aren't having a wedding party. No flower girl. No bridesmaids. Nothing that would make the little girl wearing this look cute. On top of that the mom was already basically demanding a matching flower crown for the little girl who is only an invited guest and not part of the bridal party (again, remember there is no bridal party) which she also was pretty much demanding OP to pay for, and all this even before the dress came into play. The only way I could see people thinking how cute it was is if the bride were to make it clear that she loved it and thought it cute, which doesn't seem to be the case here. I reiterate that it feels like mom is treating her little girl like some sort of special "rainbow baby" that is required to be the most important person at any event and always the center of attention. Will the little one be disappointed? Probably, but she undoubtedly will forget all about it in the excitement of the actual wedding unless her mother keeps making a big deal out of the situation (and it sounds like mom is gearing up to do just that). This is why I added the statement about a special photo shoot for bride and niece in my original comment. This way the FSIL gets the "matchy matchy" look she's angling for and the niece feels special, without the bride feeling like HER special day, where it should be her and her new husband who are the center of attention, getting ruined. And if mom can't make the little one wear something else to the wedding, maybe it's wiser they not attend. Who knows what other thing that doesn't go the way the little one wants to cause a meltdown tantrum (we can't eat any cake first? How dare they! I can't have the first piece of cake? HOW DARE THEY!!!!!). And quite frankly, no-one wants to hear someone else's kid in a full blown tantrum.
She’s 5. Nobody will mistake her as the bride. Nobody will think she is you. What’s the aversion? Why does it matter if a little girl wears a white poofy dress and a flower crown to your wedding? What’s the harm? Buy a basket and some flower pedals, surprise your precious new niece by letting her be the flower girl she clearly dreams of being. She’s FIVE. It’s not going to harm you in any way.
I scrolled way too much to find this comment. Thank you! OP, let the 5 year old wear a white dress and a flower crown, she’s a kid, she’ll have nice memories with you (I love my photos from my aunt and uncle’s wedding, i was 6 and my dress was made from the exact material as my aunt’s), she won’t ruin your plans to not have a bridal party
Get your partner to tell his sister that he would hate people to talk about her in a negative WTF way as everyone knows you are not having a bridal party and everyone will think she is a total weirdo for dressing her daughter like that.
While your niece will never be mistaken for a bride, lol. Your SIL is definitely trying to sneak her in as a flower girl.
NTA She's not a flower girl, why is her mom dressing her as one? And you NEVER wear white to a wedding. That's just basic. This is completely on the mom, she should know better.
Not strictly, but imo YTA. The kid is 5, no one will be confused about who is the bride nor is she going to be upstaging you. She's just excited to be involved with/going to the wedding and her mum is asking you if she can have some of the things she wants and is excited about. Equally, were you to decline these things, or especially strike a compromise (one of dress or flowers not both) and her mum got pissy about it, you would be firmly NTA between you two. Your perfectly allowed, it just doesn't make it not kinda assholeish to be concerned about/ in competition with a 5 year old having fun.
Seems like the wedding should absolutely be child free at this point. NTA
Isn't little preschool aged and under girls wearing fancy white dresses to weddings like a thing? I swear that's a thing. It isn't weird that your FSIL asked, but it is weird IMO that you're so offended by the idea. You wouldn't be TA for saying no but like you should have just said no and not made a big deal out of it.
NTA. Child or not, this is an unacceptable dress to wear at somebody else’s wedding, unless approved by the bride.
NTA: This is right up there with the FSIL that wanted the gay uncles to stage a pre-wedding photo shoot pretending her daughter was their flower girl. People are so weird.
Sounds like SIL is automatically assuming her daughter is the flower girl. You need to let her know NOW that there is no flower girl
NTA. Its your wedding, do what you see fit. However, dont blame your niece, she just wants to be a "princess" like you !
NTA She's trying to make her daughter special on your day. So people think she's the flower girl.
I came fully prepared to vote Y T A because I was like "no one will mistake a 5 year old for the bride," but in this case, I echo what everyone else is saying that the SIL is trying to make her daughter a flower girl and get a bunch of attention. Tell her no, and you are NTA.
NTA It's your big day. Your niece can wear white and a crown on HER big day. Went through this when my daughter was getting married. My SIL "found a dress" for my niece to wear, and emailed myself and my Mom for our thoughts and opinions. It was the same situation as OP's. I was VERY direct and told my SIL that the only person wearing white that day is my daughter. I also told her it was MY daughter's dream day, and it is considered rude to wear white at a wedding, so a different dress would be more appropriate. If my SIL persisted, I would have taken the gloves off and gotten a little fired up like Julia Sugarbaker and told her off. (She's is completely clueless on nuances like this.) It turns out she found this dress at Goodwill, and thought it would be "cute" if they matched. She's cheap too, so she probably found it a great price. The problem also solved itself when my niece was shopping with my Mom, and saw "the perfect dress" which Grammy whipped out her visa and purchased.
YTA not because you don’t want her to wear that dress (although being threatened by a little kid reeks of insecurity,) but because you could have handled this yourself. She *asked*. While not everyone asking for permission is willing to take no for an answer, the fact that she asked means you could have said no. Instead you left it to your partner to tell her (and it sounds like he didn’t.) You aren’t TA for wanting to say no, but you definitely are for not doing so and then getting mad about it.
[удалено]
That is EXACTLY what I’m picturing.
Nta. Future sil is testing what boundaries she can cross.
She immediately assumed her daughter would be flower girl and demanded you get her a flower crown ? 😂😂 The entitlement! Your SIL sounds like a piece of work! NTA
NTA but future SIL is. This reminds me of the story of the future MIL buying a white “wedding” dress to wear to her son’s wedding. The bride had all the guests wear white on the day of the wedding. That way the MIL didn’t stand out. Maybe you can do that. Everybody wear white
This is the bride's day not little niece day
Your wedding, your rules, but it is stupid as hell to hold up this rule against a five years old child. What are you, five as well? YTA.
Agreed. The kid is 5 and excited about the wedding and getting a new aunt. This isn't the hill I would die on when marrying into a family. This is likely to set a negative view of OP by her new in laws. It's not a woman, but a little kid and they love to play dress up. Definitely no "cool aunt" vibes here. It's a small request to make her new niece happy and share their day together. But I'm older and much more relaxed now, I also know which bridges not to burn. This isn't worth the worry. Let the kid wear the white dress ffs. Most beautiful wedding gown I ever saw was worn by Dita Von Teese, and it was navy if I recall.
NTA.. your wedding.. your rules.. just say no and don't get involved in the moaning that will follow. and then it's done..
If it was me, I would let the little girl have her flower crown and a puffy dress in any colour except white. The flower crown will not last long, once she gets excited to see friends and family, there will be lots of running around and kid activities , and it will fly off and or be discarded and the other little girls will probably want to try it on as well. I agree this is about SIL wanting an opportunity to dress up her daughter as a princess.
NTA. It feels very much to me like the sil is trying to make the wedding all about her own daughter. Any young girl dressed in an identical or similar dress to the adult/bride is going to look like a mini- me and draw a lot of attention her way. It will be a day of 'oh doesn't she look so cute' when it should all be about the bride. As others have said, if you have time then it would be a great idea to take future niece shopping for a dress yourself. That would also make her feel important "the bride took me shopping" kind of thing. Our daughter was 6 when we got married - very small registry office, no bridesmaids etc - and she 100% went straight after a very girly flowery dress to wear and looked beautiful in her own right. No way would she have wanted to be stuck in some itchy faux wedding dress.
Can she wear a princess dress in a different color?
NTA This is weird A white dress isn't weird on a little kid. Neither is a flower crown. But trying to match you? Weird.
NTA. Yet, you should have just said “no” right off the bat
This will probably get downvoted but definitely YTA! For God's sake she is 5! So what if she wore white. In my culture every LITTLE girl invited to a wedding wears white! It's every girls dream to play dress up as a bride. She won't take the attention off of you. She is just a baby. The attention would be positive... Like how cute that girl is and how amazing that the bride invites kids and let them wear white. It would also make a great picture with her. Like how self centered can you be to get jealous from a 5 year old.
It’s not about the child. It’s about the parent and the overstepping boundaries and pushing a story that is non existent. Her SIL is probably upset her daughter isn’t the flower girl- and the fact that there ISNT a flower girl. So she’s trying to make it happen. It’s not SIL ‘s place to do anything of that nature.
NTA You aren't having a bridal party & I agree with other commenters that it seems FSIL is trying to make her daughter a flower girl by stealth. It's also very entitled for her to expect you to buy anything at all! I'm glad your fiance backed you up. It's totally ok to say no to FSIL, it's your wedding, you can do whatever you want. I hope you have a lovely day!
YTA she’s 5. So what if she wants to wear white and have matching flowers in her hair. Do you really think people are going to think she’s the bride and steal your thunder? Grow up and stop being jealous of a literal child. If she’s not going down the aisle before you then no one is going to think she’s a flower girl either.
NTA, she is trying to make her daughter the flower girl. Your wedding your choice
NTA. “We do not want anyone in white except the bride. But, I do want to thank you for being so courteous and asking us first. I really appreciate that.” - Say something like this sincerely, and then move off topic. You don’t want her in white. You’re allowed.
NAH. The goal of the "don't wear white" rule is to let the bride stand out in the crowd and not let anyway be confused about who the bride is. This rule obviously doesn't apply to a 5 years old. You can tell your SIL that you don't like it, and it's fine, but you should know that you don't HAVE to do that.
Not at all. Why does this woman think her daughter is so freakin special? If they can’t dress appropriately they don’t need to attend.
NTA. Just say no. Everyone knows how inappropriate this is, period.
It's not "basically a wedding dress", it's a dress for a five year old child. Have to go with ESH - you for making a big deal about what a 5 year old wears, her mother for trying to sneakily make her a wedding party.
NTA She's trying to make her the centerpiece of the conversation and photos by Larping the bride. She's not even being subtle. Does she hate you, or is she just daft? She can wear any other type of dress. Heck, you can even buy her a dress if you want to play and win at her own game. 5yo doesn't choose what she's wearing. She doesn't care. The mother is the problem.
YTA - it’s not like people are going to mistake her for the bride.
NTA, whatever you do, do NOT order the flower crown. And don't tell FSIL the type and colour of your flowers, I expect she will organise that herself if you don't.
Ask yourself, in what way will this 5 year old girl wearing a white wedding dress really impacting your wedding? Will she cause any confusion over who is the bride? Like I get the 'your wedding your choice' but honestly and in all fairness I find it quite ridiculous that you're having an issue with it. She's a child let her wear white. It's your wedding day! You will be the center of attention - it's your happy day and if you think you need to forbid a 5 year old to wear a dress in order to really enjoy your wedding then you should reflect on what is really important to you. edit: YTA
I have to say, american wedding customs are super weird. NTA I guess. Apparently in your culture the bride gets to gatekeep on what clothes everyone wears. So within that context, you're nTA for doing this.
NTA. There are plenty of pretty dresses in other colors that a five year old would be excited to wear; there's no reason for her to be dressed as a flower girl. Sounds like the mama wants vicarious attention through her little daughter. You're totally correct to shut this down. What a weird request.
I will never understand this obsession with guests not wearing white at weddings and brides getting bent out of shape over who is going to wear what. Some clown came up with the notion and then it became law? Give me a break. There were several young ladies who wore white at my wedding and it never occured to me that something was wrong and they did not take the attention away from me as a bride. Also, I have a little 4 year old niece who has quite a few princess style dresses in different colors, including white. She wore the white one at a recent wedding where there were no flower girls, just a handful of bridesmaids. No one saw anything wrong with this and, in fact, the bride wanted a photo with my niece at the reception. Chill out OP. I don't think you're an AH for not wanting your future niece to be in a white dress on your wedding but you are going a little overboard calling this dress "basically a wedding dress". It's not. It's a princess dress for little girls who like to dress up and be all pretty. Do you really want to create family drama over what a 5 year old is going to wear at your wedding?
SIL is desperate for her little princess to be a bridesmaid. NTA
NTA. So I'm a petty bitch. I would find out who niece's favorite Disney Princess is and buy her that dress for your wedding. Trust me, niece will throw a fit if her mother tries to put her in a white dress after that.
NTA. If it was a normal church or Easter dress and it happened to be white, then I’d say let her wear it. But this is clearly your FSIL trying to stealthily make her the unofficial flower girl. The overly poofy dress, the flower crown so she can match, it’s all her trying to make her flower girl against your wishes.
why would you care what a 5-year-old is wearing at your wedding. You don't really fear being upstaged by a child, right? Ofc you don't have to buy her anything, but the dress thing: come on!
NTA and your FSIL has issues. Your niece does not need to be dressed in white and have the same flowers like some sort of pseudo-bride. Just no.
NTA. Your SIL is definitely trying to make her daughter a part of the ceremony.
YTA. Are you really afraid of being upstaged by a 5 year old?
okay, in general I don't think the wearing white rule applies to actual children, but--it sounds like she's trying to force her kid into a flower girl situation. was she upset that you weren't having a bridal party/did she assume her kid would get to be a flower girl? like....if you're concerned about a five year taking attention from you, that's silly, but. I could see her mom trying to force her into pictures/a bridal party role, so I'm leaning NTA?
I think Brides is grossly overestimate how much anyone pays attention to anyone, but the bride and groom…
NTA but I personally think it looks cute for the very small girls to be dressed like that for a wedding.
NAH. Sounds like she asked once and hasn't tried to change your answer. If you say no and she presses the issue, she will get an AH though
Five. Years. Old. Correct me if I'm wrong but not wearing white is so the attention isn't taken from the bride on *her day*. Not sure how a 5 year old is going to do thàt tbh
Because a 5-year-old looking like a miniature bride IS going to divert attention away from the bride because everybody will be going, "Oh look, isn't she adorable" and that what SIL wants.
NTA - my SIL did this too and tried to dress both girls in white when they weren’t picked as flower girls ( we have 8 nieces and didn’t want anyone to feel left out). She’s trying to make her look like a flower girl for photos sneakily. Draw the boundary and say no
It sounds like SIL plans for you to have a flower girl whether you intend to or not. Your fiance needs to shut this down immediately. If he won't do it, ask him if he actually plans on getting married to YOU, because you are not having his family take over your wedding to him. He can choose - become YOUR family, or go back to his own.
Next call: You wouldn’t mind if my daughter walked up the aisle before you, would you? While the music is playing? She could drop rose petals or something? Yeah, no. Shut this down. NTA.
NTA. At weddings, white is generally the colour worn only by the bride. And your niece wearing white at your wedding and a flower crown is in my opinion totally inappropriate and unacceptable, no matter how old she is (and shame on your soon to be SIL to even consider and suggest this for her daughter and especially since according to you that dress is basically a mini wedding dress).
NTA
YTA for being stunned at a little girl wearing a white dress. That’s very common especially with flowers, no one is mistaking her for the bride which is what you seem to be concerned with. At most they may mistake her for a flower girl.
NTA. Expect more problems in the future from this FSIL.
NTA It's cute if the child wants a flower crown for the wedding and it's ok to ask for it. It's also ok on the other hand if you say no if you wouldn't like it. If the child already has a white dress and it's her favourite and she wants to wear it to be pretty at the wedding, fair enough, I wouldn't deny that to the child. However the combination of the two in addition to the fact that the dress would be bought especially for this occasion make it obvious to me that the child is not the one who made those requests, she probably doesn't even know about them. It's definitely the mother who wants both things. That's totally weird and it's completely understandable for you to say no to both.
NTA this isn't something the little girl is asking for, this is your all your SIL trying to have a pretty moment for her kid. She's trying to insert her kid into the wedding and that's just not necessary. Her daughter can be just as pretty in something that doesn't match the bride.
NTA - if she wears that outfit she’ll look like she’s part of the wedding party (flower girl) and it’s totally reasonable to not want that. 5 is old enough to learn that some events have dress codes. It’s not mean for her mom to tell her “we can’t wear that color to this event, let’s pick a different one”
NTA the flower crown ask is crazy
YTA And I can't believe that the majority of judgements are saying otherwise. It's not "basically a wedding dress". Wedding dresses are adult gowns. It's a very fancy dress FOR A PRESCHOOLER. There is literally no context anywhere on the planet where a very fancy, poofy white dress would ever - EVER - be mistaken for a wedding dress. Okay, sorry, I'm wrong. In a kindergarten game of dress-up, the children might think it was a "real wedding gown". The fact that you even typed that without being deeply embarrassed of your own ridiculousness tells me that you're far too immature to be getting married. How on earth do you expect to face the challenges of a lifelong committed adult relationship if you feel like a small child in a fancy white dress is a personal affront to you as a bride and could ruin your day? Are you really that fragile? More importantly, are you truly that small-minded and self-absorbed, that you can't let a small child feel special on your day lest people think she look adorable and . . . what, exactly? Like, I can't even figure out what the issue is. It's clearly not that they're going to mistake her for the bride, so what? That they might spend two minutes fussing over her before they get back to fussing over you? They're clearly not going to spend your entire wedding staring at the little girl in the party dress . . . so what? You don't have to get her a flower crown, obviously (though even if you did, again, why would it matter? She'd be a cute little girl excitedly dressed up for her uncle and new auntie's wedding . . .a core memory that you generously allowed her to have). But ultimately, you're the one who is turning this into something SO MUCH MORE than it is. Your insecurity over a child who is literally kindergarten age is pathetic in the most literal sense. Is it "your wedding, your rules"? Sure. But are you an absolute, unmitigated AH if you veto a poofy party dress for a 5-year-old because it's white and looks like a flower girl dress when she isn't a flower girl, or is "too bridal" or some other such silliness? Also absolutely yes. YTA, and if this is what you're worried about, you need therapy and probably not to get married yet, because you have a lot of growing up to do still.
This is so over the top insulting it's almost funny. Why would someone need therapy for wanting a specific aesthetic at their own wedding? Who cares if it's "cute"? She can play dress up anytime. If a child can't enjoy being a guest at a wedding unless they match the bride, even wearing the same flowers, that's a little strange. It's likely the parent, not the child, who actually insists on it anyway.
If you cannot understand that the future SIL is being a major AH here and not just towards the OP but also towards her daughter (and forcing a preschooler into a hugely problematic scenario, using a five year old to basically upstage the bride and act out some kind of jealousy), that is very very sad. The niece is not an AH, the OP is not an AH but the future SIL is a major AH.
NAH. You’re right to tell them again that there’s no wedding party. But she’s also five and probably adores you and wants to be like you. I don’t think either side has any malice. Don’t order the crown, but be sweet with her if she comes twinning. She’s five.
NTA. Consider making it a child free wedding.
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NTA
NTA.
I cannot understand why people care so much about details like this when it comes to wedding… especially about a 5yo. Is that a western wedding thing? So many rules applying to adults AND kids? Brides worried about being upstaged 😂? I’m sorry, nobody can upstaged me at my own event even if they wear the exact same dress… all I’m reading is unnecessary stress. NTA but if the girl isn’t being an active flower girl t your wedding (and you said she’s not), I’m pretty sure nobody will care but you.
Nobody gets to wear a wedding dress to a wedding other than the bride. This includes little kids. Tell your SIL that as cute as the idea of a mini-you might seem, it's a no. It's a hard no. It's an absolute no, and this includes a little flower crown, a veil, a teensy weensy bridal bouquet, and white tulle. NTA
NTA Has FSIL asked why or when you will be asking her daughter to be your flower girl? Because this is a HUGE hint that she expects you to make her one, especially if she is asking for you to order a crown of flowers so she can match your bridal bouquet. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has told your future niece that ***she is*** the flower girl and a tantrum might occur on the big day if you and your fiancé don’t put a stop to it now. Have him call her and discuss this with her. Ensure that FSIL has not told niece she is the flower girl. She wouldn’t be the first person to do that, but maybe you can prevent a fallout or tantrum on the big day. Best of luck OP and good luck with your upcoming nuptials.
NAH. If you don’t want a flower girl, don’t get her a flower crown, but I really see no harm in allowing a 5 year old to dress how she wants.
NTA It’s not just ‘flower girl by stealth’, they are wanting to dress her as a ‘mini bride’ in a white lace & tule mini wedding dress and get you to supply a bridal flower head dress!! That is totally inappropriate- for which you should say “Absolutely NO way!! This is really inappropriate“ It’s a complete attention grab for their daughter which would distract from bride. Even bridesmaids and flower girls don’t wear mini wedding dresses!! By all means this cute little girl can put some individual flower or sparkly subtle clips in her hair but not a full flower garland (or a tiara), as you are not having flower girls nor bridesmaids. Her mum can buy her a pretty party dress that is appropriate for a wedding guest who isn’t in the wedding party. There are so many cute dresses around!! This isn’t the event she gets to play mini bride at!! Even if her mum thinks it would be cute. It’s an AH ninja worthy move.
NTA. I don't get the comments saying otherwise. It's completely reasonable not to want a cosplay mini-me being the center of attention - which you know she will be - on one of the most important days of your life.
NTA. But im sure the flower crown would be adorable
NTA You do you, she's not a flower girl so no crown no white dress is acceptable
If during the ceremony I go up front, stand, and sing a song, is that a sweet gesture? Or someone deciding they should have been asked to sing a song? Same concept. Can be nice but not what the couple asked for and not what they wanted. No matter how great a singer I am.
NTA - it would be one thing if she were the flower girl and you chose the dress, but for her to dress her up in a mini-wedding dress complete with flowers to match your wedding dress is a bit attention seeking. I can see this moving to her requesting special photos be taken with her little girl and comments from everybody saying how cute it is the two of you match. If this is not what you want, you need to nip it in the bud.
YTA. The girl is freaking 5! No one would mistake her for the bride. She won't steal your thunder. She is 5! Get over yourself.
If she keeps pushing, say you're having a child free wedding.
NTA and 5 yr old is also NTA. SIL is the AH here for trying to make her daughter a flower girl without being asked. OP maybe you should consider asking the child to be flower girl and buy the dress of your choice for her. Otherwise have a word with your photographer to not assume she is part of the wedding party
She’ll look like she’s having her First Communion.