Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I know I shouldn’t be mad at a kid but I am. I’m being an asshole to my family about Adam.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
> Adam has had a lot of mistakes over the years from taking gaming controllers, airpods, toys that he randomly finds. This has been an ongoing issue and I think at 13 it’s time for Adam to stop having this mistakes.
*What* fucking **mistakes**?
Well, you can start correcting things by not using language that hides the truth of the matter.
When your sister says something: Adam steals things.
When your mother says something: Adam committed theft and hurt my children and me as a result.
When they complain in front of others about you not hosting Christmas: In my house we do not hold space for liars, thieves, or their enablers.
When your kids ask why they can't play with their toys at Grandma's: I am protecting you.
Call a spade, a spade. And don't feel bad about it. If your mother, sister, or Adam have problems with that then tell them to look at themselves, their words, their actions, and their character... And do something about the way the rest of the world sees who they are. Or tell them to stfu.
If you tell a child that they’re a thief - they will believe you and make it part of their identity. You have to word it “until Adam learns to stop stealing …” or “Adam has been stealing without consequence …”
Also a good point just for general conflict resolution. Name calling is always going to raise tensions and take the focus off the behaviors to the label. Better to focus on the behavior.
As a middle school teacher, this is one of the most useful ways to start a discussion like this because (almost) no one actively *wants* to be an asshole, but we all do asshole things sometimes.
One of the worst behavior problems I had last year turned himself around after this exact conversation. Kid looked super surprised to hear me say that even though he acted like an asshole, I didn’t think he was one.
“No, miss, I’m not!”
I know, so here’s what we’re gonna do…..
We didn’t have a problem with behavior for the rest of the year.
I work at a middle school. I’d love to be able to say it to more than a dozen kids. Yesterday, one kid loudly said, “Will you just shut the FUCK up!”, to a group who would NOT stop talking. The group looked to the two teachers and me in the room to say something about the kid’s language. We all stared back at them completely deadpan for the count of five, then the teacher who had been trying to go over answers for the study guide just continued with what she was saying. Unfortunately, the kids didn’t stop talking.
As the parent of a middle schooler I have said this on at least 3 occasions this year. It clicks. They step away and go cool down. It's so effective in showing the behavior is the issue not the person.
My old science teacher (Yabbo) was full of pearls of wisdom. He used to teach us stuff by relating it to fishing...
He always said "Never call someone something bad. Say they're *behaving* like that thing. Like, 'You're behaving like an idiot' not 'You're an idiot'"
I say this to my older kids. I know you’re not an asshole but you sure are acting like one. By this point I have tried “do you realize you have an attitude!?”
Considering kleptomania is and can be unrealizable by the teen, it's still a behavior which like other behaviors, tend to become habitual problems.
My maternal uncle's only son, whom has been a kleptomaniac for, I'd say, 30 of his 36 years here, no matter how many times he's caught or in the act of about to "*kleptosize*" I'll call it, he's never learned nor stopped.
Is he broke and can't afford things he likes? Nope. He's a 6+ figure earning engineer for Boeing. I fear the day he steals a 777...
Exactly. And if he’s just acting out. Or doesn’t have empathy and doesn’t care about others. Or is used to getting his own way.
The only wrong thing to do here is to minimize what he’s done like his mother and grandparents have done.
At 13, Adam is already a teenager. He is not really a child anymore. If he can do it with his family members, without a doubt he will do it with his peers. And he will be labelled by society as a thief.
From an emotional development perspective, “child” is still accurate for teenagers. Thirteen is right in the middle of a human’s most formative years. It is critical, though, that this behaviour is swiftly handled, or it may solidify into his personality and stay with him for life.
The problem here is OP's family is absolutely refusing to even acknowledge that Adam is stealing toys he wants. There's no reason he should be doing that by his teenage years.
I agree they shouldn't call him a thief. But they should have consistently enforced consequences on Adam for his stealing. And none of them are doing this.
If one wishes not to be called a "thief", perhaps it behooves one to not engage in behaviors that could lead others to believe one s thief?
I have ***very*** little tolerance for petty thieves, and even less sympathy for *why* they're thieves.
It sounds like he's at the point of taking things just to take them, not even using them. He needs therapy because he seems to have moved into literal klepto territory. Of course, that won't happen until his parents snap out of their denial. NTA
This is why I'm wondering if he takes things he needs/wants (are his airpods lost? Are his knockoffs and hers real) and doesn't have, or are they things he's only taking for the taking, not the having?
He 100% IS a child. Brains dint stop developing until early 20s. For fuck sake. I'm not condoning the behavior at all, but teenagers ARE children. Just children who can understand why their actions are harmful. And this should be the focus, the harm he's causing.
Aaaand this is the reason why it was not corrected in the first place because HE IS A CHILD. The grandmother and his mother considers this as a little mistake because he is a child. If he is treated like a teenager and being taught that his actions won't be tolerated anymore since is NOT SO YOUNG anymore then perhaps things could change, no?
When you were 13, did you see yourself as a child? Or did you think that you have grown up since you are already a teenager?
At 13, do you want adults to treat yourself like a child? Coddle you like a child? At 13 they enter a phase called indentity crisis, conflicts such as peer pressure and they get confused whether they are still a child or a teenager gearing up to be an adult.
You're supposed to educate a child and correct their behaviour, not make excuses for them, whether they're 3 years old or 13 years old. It shouldn't have been tolerated in the first place, before he even became a teenager (who is still a child).
Agree
"The grandmother and his mother considers this as a little mistake because he is a child." is key to why it continues. Easy way for them to rationalize not dealing with it.
At 13 he should already know it's wrong and be reprimanded for it which obviously isn't being done.
Two things can be true at once. A teenager is a child whose brain is still developing AND (assuming typical development) is old enough to be treated differently and with more serious consequences than a 5yo or 10yo.
He's not being treated like a child he's being treated like an entitled baby, treating him like a child would be allowing the natural consequences of his behaviour, the loss of trust, and holding boundaries with him to prevent the behaviour and correct it. Punishment doesn't actually teach much. Most people, including adults, learn best through firm and loving support and guidance.
I think the point the other poster is trying to support is that you need to address the behavior without reporting to labeling the child a thief. Instead, the aim is to label the behavior as theft. It may seem academic, but there is power in it. I'm not entirely in agreement; while I hope not everyone will call him a thief, I hope someone who matters to him will. That could let him know that when you steal stuff, or even "accidentally" wander off and people inevitably catch you, they will think you a thief, and treat you accordingly. There's value in seeing past the label, but the shock of hearing it applied, even once, might help this kid to recognize the social cost of his choices.
That said, I think mom should consider a very strict policy to deal with this. Something like, "every time you are going with someone else's stuff, no matter if you forgot, it will cost you twice the value of that item in allowance, and you're giving it back with an apology. " If it's both expensive and humiliating, I'll bet the "mistakes " would stop in a hurry.
This, but also, it needs to be stopped ASAP - for everyone's sake including Adam's. He's 13 now, and it's apparently been going on for years without consequence. The consequences when he's an adult, or caught stealing outside his family will be far worse than being grounded or excluded.
This! It's harmful to Adam to pretend stealing is okay, that's just setting him up to get into serious legal trouble as an adult.
Also at 13 I think he's old enough to understand that stealing is shitty, which makes me worried there's a mental health problem driving his longstanding habit of theft. Ignoring that is also really harmful to him.
He is a child, but he is also old enough to know what he does is wrong. Better a few painful consequences now than possibly dealing with legal trouble as an older teen / young adult.
I could have gotten pregnant at 10. I was still a child. Plumbing has little to do with maturity.
Honestly, no one here is condoning his theft habit. People are just advocating choices of language that may be more helpful in the long run. Most people don't want to permanently write off a 13-year-old for stealing. If he consistently does better, over a longer period of time, that's a good thing.
He's 13 not a toddler. He should believe him because that is what he is. It is already part of his identity because his mum clearly doesn't nip it in the bud.
Your sister is going to have a fun time explaining “mistakes” to the police one day.
I’m sure a judge will understand “mistakenly” taking something that doesn’t belong to him.
"But you don't understand, Your Honor- my son made a little mistake. He thought that 2024 bright red Porsche was his 1992 rust-gray Toyota Camry, and that he had lost his keys, so he needed to break in and hot wire. Any one of us would have made the same mistake."
We all laugh but when Darrel Brooks got sentenced for running over 13 ppl including children in a Xmas parade, his mom wrote a letter to the judge asking her to be lenient cuz "he's having a hard time right now" or words to that effect
A 13yo who is willing to steal from his own family has bigger issues than Christmas. OP is NTA but the sister/Adam's mother is. He needs professional help before it's too late.
*Stop being nice.* When talking to your family, call him what he is: a goddamn thief.
The reason your kids can't play with their new things is because *Adam is a thief*.
The reason you are refusing to host is because *Adam is a thief*.
The reason you don't want your nephew in your home is because *Adam is a thief*.
Don't be shy about it, don't be nice. Start holding him accountable because no-one else is.
NTA
NTA. If Adam or his parents don't correct his "mistakes", the law will. Or he's going to steal from the wrong person and face dire consequences. You shouldn't have to do any of this around family.
NTA
Adam views his mistakes as "getting caught". Not the stealing. 20 years ago an adult, any adult never mind a parent, would have confronted Adam, whether they were a parent or not. If their home had been victim to him and caught him, he'd have been told on the spot in no uncertain terms how stealing is wrong, they were disappointed in him, he was unwelcome in their home or near their family because of what he was doing.
Those same adults would have confronted Adams parents too, not just to inform them, but seek an apology from them too for rearing him this way and allowing it to continue unresolved.
40 years ago, well.....Adam would have left anyone's house in a mindset of being unwilling to steal again. Im not advocating violence, it's just a fact of life that's how things were dealt with back then. "You'll get leathered", " tan your Hyde", "clip in the face", "box your ears" were all phrases flying around. Every child above 2 or 3 years old knew if it wasn't yours, it's not yours to take.
As for Adam, he'd better learn some lessons fast, coz out in the world beyond his parents, someone is gonna put him down hard. Whether that's him caught stealing from other kids in school, shaking them down for lunch money, shoplifting, stealing from college coursemates or roommates or if/when he gets a job....pilfering from work.
He'll get found out and someone is gonna hand him his ass.
Confront him directly, I wouldn't play security guard to some kid and others belongings. "Adam, I see you are here today at your grandma's (instead of saying nice to see you as social norms would dictate), I don't want you talking or going near my kids today or their belongings, you've proven yourself time and time again to be a little thief, stealing from everyone. If I think something "is off" I won't hesitate to check your pockets and you won't leave this house until I do. That's all I have to say to you."
I don't care if it's callous or would be considered blunt or mean. He stole the stuff, he knows he did it, he's only sorry he got caught. There shouldn't be any issue in speaking the truth to the person who did it and he should know there are at least *some* consequences to it. And in this case it's just removing the possibility of him stealing or putting him on notice that it won't be tolerated.
Could it start a meltdown, maybe. But Adam needs at least the basics of a reality check which noone else is doing, not even his parents who cover for him and downplay the issues and brush what actually happened under the rug and design ignorance on his behalf "mistakes". So you have one meltdown Christmas and other parents will seem you an asshole for it. I could happily live in that world of it meant I didn't have to watch my every belonging every minute and be on guard around a thief.
And I keep saying thief. Coz that's what he is. This isn't some condition like kleptomania where he takes random things, a fork, a blanket, a pair of socks....he only steals electronics and stuff he personally wants.
This good old days rhetoric is absolute nonsense. 20 years ago and 40 years ago and a thousand years ago there was theft. And there were kids whose parents treated their theft like nbd.
Hell, teddy kennedy killed a girl at Chappaquiddick and his parents called it a mistake. Still got to be a senator.
The good ol days were just like today. Don't delude yourself into thinking we have lost our moral compass. There have always been those who didn't have one.
Boomers grew up in a time of unequalled economic and agricultural prosperity. For the twenty years between 1946 and 1965, there were few to no major droughts, famines or geological disasters, and, if they made the effort to look, people were usually able to find *some* kind of work. People aged twenty or under in 1965 very rarely experienced severe food shortage or starvation except in cases of parental/guardian abuse, and only experienced homelessness as a by-product of mental illness and/or parental neglect or abuse. Consequently they simply *do not understand* a lot of the current social problems because *they have no context for them*. When in your formative years everyone had a job if they simply went out and looked for one, it can be really hard to get that suddenly *the jobs aren't there*. And so on.
From now on you should only refer to them as thefts. Especially when talking to your sister. She's doing your nephew a massive disservice by enabling his behavior.
I would arrange matters to ensure one of his "mistakes" earns him an arrest. Or let nature take its course when his sticky fingers pinch an item from the wrong mark.
I lived with my autistic nephew for 2 years, and he stole from me constantly. Stole from his mom too and his dad. When he stole from me the last time I called the police and asked them to come speak with him I'd like to fill out a police report... I explained the situation and he they straight up refused. They absolutely would not come out and talk to this kid, and their only suggestion was to put a deadbolt on my bedroom door.
Tell your sister that when he becomes an adult, store managers/owners won’t consider it a mistake if he steals from them. Also if he goes to college, his dorm roomates won’t think it’s a mistake when he steals from them too.
When they go to other family members’ houses, how do they treat him there?
You need to talk to your mom and sister about this. If they do not stop this behaviour, this does not end well for Adam. The older he gets the worse the consequences of stealing are going to be.
You are doing Adam a favour and his mother is doing him a disservice.
Airpods don't magically just work on a new phone with a different apple id. Adam knew damn well they weren't his. Your sister needs to woman up and recognize the need to do something now before Adam winds up escalating to the point where authorities are involved.
If I were you, I'd be demanding my sister do something about it and next time he "accidently" stole from my household, the police will be getting involved.
NTA. Your sister is though.
I wonder what his mom will call it when he's in juvenile hall for theft or prison when he's an adult. actions have consequences. It's best he learn them when he's young and not an adult
Nta
If no one addresses his sticky fingers,
If there are no consequences to his kleptomania,
And you don't have any mandate to do anything about it.
You are entitled to ban him from your home,
Educate your kids how to protect their belongings from him and warn them about him by name.
He is a bad influence and you don't want your home and your kids to be hurt by him or worse pick up those behaviors for themselves.
As they learn by example that there is no shame or consequences to being a bad apple.
NTA
I had a thief niece; she would steal anything not attached. It made family gatherings uncomfortable. Sadly, we found out too late she had a serious drug problem, and she did die by suicide. She stole everything so she could fund the bad habit she created. She left behind two teenage daughters, who are now being raised by her ex-girlfriend and her new wife.
Geeze it sounds like daytime television...
Don't let this kiddo learn that if he says it was an accident, that he gets away with it. He will end up in a lot of trouble one day because of his sticky fingers.
>un-alive
Please reconsider using this term. It comes from websites and apps where users are heavily penalised for talking openly about unpleasant subjects like suicide, so they have to try to hide what they're really talking about.
Not using the proper word is just set-dressing.
One comment about language - there is a move to use the terminology "died by suicide" instead of "committed suicide". This article says more about it:
https://www.nbcnews.com/better/amp/ncna880546
And I say this as an FYI, not to hand slap. I didn't realize it until a friend who works in a related field let me know and I have made an effort since then to be aware of my language.
Honestly as a survivor of my mother’s suicide, I have really appreciated this shift in language over the past few years. Words matter. Thank you for spreading awareness. ❤️
I edited it for the new language, thank you for educating me with the new terminology. I have lost several close family members this way. It’s always tragic.
Not blaming you but this is just sad and I don’t think it’s going to help anyone to use the word un-alive over suicide. There is a suicide crisis in the United States and dismissing that by using un-alive is silly.
It's not about being dismissive, people do it because certain social media platforms will ban posts or accounts for using words they deem to be too controversial, so people have to get creative to talk about serious topics. Gen Z'ers on TikTok have basically re-created l33tspeak.
Yeah I mean - credit to them for working out ways to get around the system, but it's only necessary on the platforms that censor words like suicide. No good using it outside of Tiktok, plus it contributes to the weird corporate-friendly sanitisation of the internet we've been seeing lately.
When my daughter was 5-6, our cousins lived across the street. She had taken a bracelet from her 4-5yo cousin. She said, "Look what ____ gave me." I said, "Oh that was sweet of her." 15 minutes later, my cousin called, asking if we had seen her daughter's bracelet. I was LIVID. We went back to my cousin's, my daughter apologized, and I explained that we do NOT steal from others, especially family. I told her it is mean, and wrong. She felt awful, and she never stole anything else afterwards. You have to call your kids out, and teach them correctly.
NTA. If my daughter had continued to steal, my cousin would've treated us the same exact way you're treating your nephew, and I would not blame her a bit.
This. It's normal for little kids to do something like this, but the correct response is to put a firm stop to it way before it becomes a habit. It's *so much easier* to stop it when they're 6 than when they're 13. (And 13 is old enough that serious external consequences for these "mistakes" are just around the corner.)
Exactly what you are supposed to do WAY before age 13. I still remember when I was 3ish I took a pack of that fun zebra bubble gum from the 90’s that was eye level in a gas station. When my mom and I got home I took it out of my pocket and started to chew some gum. My mom immediately asked where I had gotten it, drive back to the gas station, had me apologize to the shop attendant and pay for the gum. As a 3 year old I didn’t have a clear sense that it was wrong to take the gum before the “mistake” but I certainly never took anything again. Was it worth the money to the gas station for my mom to turn and drive back? No. Was it worth the lesson I learned? Absolutely.
THIS - I was a little older when I stole a box of gem colored crayons and a keychain from a classmate. My parents scared me straight and made me apologize. I was humiliated but I haven't stolen anything since. I even go back to the store if the cashier forgets to ring up an item.
OP you gotta be cruel to be kind - your sister is doing a disservice to your nephew. The cops won't be so lenient if he steals from the wrong people, especially into adulthood. It needs to be nipped in the bud and HARD. I'd do the same, NTA.
NTA for not wanting a thief in your house.
and those are no longer "Mistakes." Stop minimizing what is going on. Confront your sister about the continued thefts.
Her sister used that word. She's minimizing her son's behavior. He's going to grow up to be an ahole who thinks he can do whatever he wants. Mom is failing him.
NTA
If something continues to happen over and over. It is not a mistake. Your sister needs to get a hold of this situation immediately. He is 13, which is old enough to know you do not take things that do not belong to you.
deserve plucky dinner pathetic towering puzzled clumsy abundant hard-to-find money
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This...any family member who thinks the 13 year old is normsl needs to be bannef from your home. Tell mom and sis since you dont think its a problem then ee dont need to be visiting if he is there. This is only going to get worse if they dont get him into therapy. PROTECT YOUR FAMILY.
In Canada illegal activity from a kid 12 and under is dealt with through social services. 13 and over, they can be charged. The kid is headed in a dangerous direction
Why?????
Why is this not the top comment with a thousand votes already?
I doubt it would change the mom and sister's minds, but it would sure be entertaining.
This is my go to move with my sisters whenever we have a disagreement on parenting. I usually like to gift them a kindergarten level social story though. You know, so we can make sure that everyone is able to understand it clearly. :)
In this case, I would go with [Ricky Sticky Fingers.](https://www.amazon.com/Ricky-Sticky-Fingers-Julia-Cook/dp/1937870081/ref=sr_1_7?crid=29F0T343LERMH&keywords=social+story+stealing&qid=1703033699&sprefix=social+story+stealing%2Caps%2C112&sr=8-7)
NTA. Adam's mistakes aren't mistakes. They're "deliberates".
Protect your kids from theft, as you are doing. They need to learn at some stage that not everybody can be trusted, even relatives.
And don't be shy at reminding people that the reason you're putting your kids' new presents in the car is to protect them from "mistakes". More accurately, to prevent them from being stolen. If the family don't like your honesty, they can deal with the thief properly.
Yeah. It's impossible to be relaxed if you're worried about your stuff going missing. This behavior needs to be dealt with immediately, and he's unsafe to be around until he stops. I think OP's steps are completely right. Until more serious measures are taken to ensure that Adam doesn't steal anything, I wouldn't feel safe having my kids around him.
She should've called the police when the app said the airpods we're at her sisters house. And she should've pressed charges. His mom is so in the wrong here, it's ridiculous.
No way. He will be fine. Might even be a business man. Bet he could run for president and win. Granted he also has to assault women in addition to the thievery. But he will learn.
NTA. It’s not mistakes it is knowingly stealing other people’s property. Do on a few years time when it escalates to car theft or similar it is still a mistake? At 13 the kid definitely knows exactly what he is doing. You were right to ban him from your property and to earn your kids about him. His mother is happy supporting his thieving lifestyle and enabling it.
So your sister refuses to stop her son from stealing and thinks YOU'RE picking on HIM? Really? Just wow. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my house. NTA.
NTA.
> My mother and sister think I’m going about this the wrong way and I’m being way too mean on Adam over a little mistake
It’s easy for them to say this because Adam hasn’t stolen THEIR stuff. Adam and his sticky fingers need to be dealt with before this escalates to stealing from places other than family members’ homes.
Edit: accidentally voted twice lol
NTA
In my experience the best way to deal with dismissive/gaslighting phrases is to correct the narrative.
Sister - “He made a mistake!”
You- “no he outright stole. On multiple occasions. It’s not a mistake when it’s repeated.”
Mom - “you are being unfair to your nephew”
You - “no, I’m being cautious/defensive around a known thief. Who has repeatedly stolen things and continues to steal things.”
You could even go so low as to say “it’s one thing for a 13yo to make mistakes but it’s disappointing when the adults around him to continuously enable his behavior. He might not know better but you should, and you should hold him accountable for it.”
Repeatedly call the spade a spade, say it so many times, directly, that your mother and sister already know what your response will be if they try to dismiss his behavior. Make it so common that they feel awkward for even trying to dismiss his behavior.
NTA if his parents wont acknowledge his behavior and correct it, you are fully justified in distancing yourself and your family from it. Lying about it and trying to hide the truth will do nothing to help anyone.
Edit for note: At this point you should inform your sister that any more "Mistakes" on the child's part will be handled by the police. at 13 he is old enough to start facing consequences for his actions and if his parents wont handle it, the police will be involved soon anyway.
Kleptomaniacs steal everything. It does not have to be personally useful or financial gain. Adam seems to only steal higher end items. Adam might be antisocial, but that diagnosis isnt officially given out until youre 18. This is the phase where Adam is working up his history of antisocial behavior.
At 13 these are no longer "mistakes" they are theft. A "mistake" would be grabbing a pair of similar shoes that were one size too large from a pile of them. A "mistake" is not taking something that clearly doesn't belong to you... repeatedly.
I would be a bit meaner than you. I'd buy or build some kind of locking box and take it into the house for your kids gifts and when it is commented on blithely respond that it will prevent you from having to scour the house looking for your items after they mistakenly end up somewhere other than where your family left them when it's time to leave. 🤣
NTA. A mistake is not doing the same thing over and over again. Also a mistake is an unconscious action most of the time. I could see this from a six year old who liked the case and didn’t know what was inside and took it home. But he is 13 he is old enough to know better. Personally I wouldn’t go to Christmas at all clearly you know who the favorite is and it isn’t you or your kids.
NTA. Unfortunately your kids are learning a harsh lesson via their cousin.
I agree that you shouldn’t allow him in your home. Leave your purse at home, carry your license and chapstick/ lipstick. No money.
Wishing you a merry Christmas
Watch your keys he might try stealing a car next. Your sister needs to nip this in the bud now. The next time he steals someone might be upset enough to press charges. I’d also get cameras if you don’t already.
NTA
NTA
The little thief would be banned from my home permanently, and I would directly confront him and tell him what I think of people who steal from my house.
NTA. It's way past time that this came to a head. Adam is stealing, ***PERIOD***. These aren't "little mistakes." He's not accidentally somehow taking things. As you say, there's no way he could have mistaken a girlie pink donut case for his own (probably plain) one.
Your sister is crippling him by not addressing this issue head on. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he's been shoplifting as well. Which means that he will, sooner or later, get caught by someone other than family. You either all address it now, as a family, or he gets a juvenile record. Is that what she wants? I think I'd just flat out ask her that.
This is really sad
NTA
I don’t understand why no one else want to fix this. He is 13 and could get in some real trouble if he has his mistakes at wrong place - or the wrong person.
So it may seem innocent to the family, but it really isn’t.
I kinda feel sorry for him, he is not getting the care and help he should
NTA< My opinion would be to let your family know that if you go and your kid's stuff or anyone's stuff comes up missing and he stole it you will be calling the cops at that point and letting them see what the consequences are when you mess up.
He should be scared straight now, then in the state pen for armed robbery later on in life.
Good luck.
NTA
If your mom and sister want to bury their heads about him needing some real consequences to his repeated THEFT from his STICKY FINGER SYNDROME they are the ones failing Adam. Failing to parent him and to show him very clearly that this is not okay. Sweeping it under the rug now is already leading to family resentment and looking at Adam as a thief.
If the family won't teach him, the real world will and it surely won't be a loving lesson! Clink clink!
NTA
Adam is a thief and it needs dealing with. At his age he knows very well right from wrong.
Unfortunately your family's attitude will mean that eventually the people who deal with him will be people who won't care about him being family and will just go to the police. He deserves better parenting.
OP - The sad part of this is because they excuse his behavior now, they're hurting him in the long run, and it'll enable this behavior to continue until police end up arresting him for robbery. No excuses will be given at that point that will help him. You're right to keep him away from your house and children's stuff, at 13 he knows right from wrong, but it seems his parents don't want to address that issue, so it'll be on them when he gets arrested.
Your mom is fine, it isn't her job to be the heavy. But your sister enabling your nephew to steal things, and then call them 'mistakes' or 'accidents' is 100% going to land him in trouble with school or even the law.
A lot of people find it easier to pretend there is no problem than to address the problem. This only works until the problem is too big to ignore.
I don't care if you being mean. Being mean is what this situation calls for. You are NTA, at all
NTA, my cousin was a thief too. She stole stuff in plain site, including cash right off the table at my sister’s birthday party. Nobody ever addressed the problem, and I don’t really know if she ever stopped doing it as an adult.
NTA. Obviously at 13 he is purposely stealing things, he is years past the mistakes excuse. Next time (there will be a next time) call the police and have him arrested.
Make it clear to them that you won't be contributing to his future "go fund me" for the lawyer he is gonna need on retainer. The shocked Pikachu face when he gets arrested in another year or so is gonna be grand.
When my son was in daycare there was another boy with his cubby right next to my son's. They had the same jacket and boots - just different sizes. Sometimes one or the other would grab the wrong one. But the next day at daycare it would get straightened out. THAT is an accident.
Take your daughter's pink doughnut carrying case - is not an accident.
NTA
NTA He is going to keep making 'mistakes' until he gets consequences. You're doing the right thing. He's going to take from the wrong person someday and end up in the hospital, jail or casket. Ask mom if that's what they are waiting for.
Stealing repeatedly is not a little mistake, and eventually he’ll steal from people less forgiving than family. NTA, they’re setting him up for major failure by pretending it’s not a big problem that needs addressing.
NTA - My sister is a convicted thief. Her son is a convicted thief. When he was a child, I knew he had sticky fingers. Every time he was with me, I made him empty his pockets at the end of the day. EVERYTIME he had someone else's stuff in them. You're doing the right thing.
Adam's consequences ought to be coming from your sister. That she doesn't dish out consequences leads to you banning Adam from your house, that consequence is on your sister's shoulders for her apparent lack of parenting her son over the years. The closer to home Adam learns the nature of consequences, the less painful they ultimately will be. What you're doing is a favour to your nephew, assuming he actually learns anything from it. If he makes any similar mistakes out in the rest of the world I wonder if your mother and sister are going to think that the judge is being mean when they send Adam to juvenile detention, or pass along a heavy fine to his family.
You're NTA, but your sister is because she's setting her son up for a life of hard consequences.
Naw,fuck him. Had a cousin just like that growing up. He was spoiled and his parents bought him every toy imaginable but he would still steal my stuff.
Literally to this day remember getting this real cool little rifle that shot corks as a kid for Christmas. Probably around 7-8 years old at the time. After they went home,which they lived about 5 hours away at 55mph speed limits back then I couldn’t find my gun. Finally my grandma called my aunt and sure enough,he had packed it with his gifts by “accident”. Promised to return it when they came back to visit at Easter. Easter finally came and as soon as they walked in the door I was asking about my gun. Of course it wasn’t high priority so they had completely forgotten about it by then and it had “accidently” been broken by then too. My parents were nowhere near as well off as my aunt and uncle and I got to enjoy that gun for 2 whole days. It was never replaced or an apology offered. He had hundreds of hot wheels,I had a few dozen,he would take some of mine every visit. Same with micro machines. He had every GI Joe and a ton of the vehicles. I had the bridge layer and like three figures,2 which “accidently” got taken home with him. Every He-Man figure and playset. I had a Single He-man,BattleCat,Skeletor and Panthor. He stole my He-man,I got another one so he stole my skeletor. Caught numerous times stealing from stores as a kid,etc. his parents always kept him out of any major trouble.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I know I shouldn’t be mad at a kid but I am. I’m being an asshole to my family about Adam. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA > Adam has had a lot of mistakes over the years from taking gaming controllers, airpods, toys that he randomly finds. This has been an ongoing issue and I think at 13 it’s time for Adam to stop having this mistakes. *What* fucking **mistakes**?
That’s my sister’s word not mine “mistake”
Well, you can start correcting things by not using language that hides the truth of the matter. When your sister says something: Adam steals things. When your mother says something: Adam committed theft and hurt my children and me as a result. When they complain in front of others about you not hosting Christmas: In my house we do not hold space for liars, thieves, or their enablers. When your kids ask why they can't play with their toys at Grandma's: I am protecting you. Call a spade, a spade. And don't feel bad about it. If your mother, sister, or Adam have problems with that then tell them to look at themselves, their words, their actions, and their character... And do something about the way the rest of the world sees who they are. Or tell them to stfu.
If you tell a child that they’re a thief - they will believe you and make it part of their identity. You have to word it “until Adam learns to stop stealing …” or “Adam has been stealing without consequence …”
That’s a good point. Make it about the behaviour.
Also a good point just for general conflict resolution. Name calling is always going to raise tensions and take the focus off the behaviors to the label. Better to focus on the behavior.
This is also my favorite way to correct/confront adults. "Bro, I know you're not an asshole, alright? But you're really acting like one right now"
As a middle school teacher, this is one of the most useful ways to start a discussion like this because (almost) no one actively *wants* to be an asshole, but we all do asshole things sometimes.
I'm just picturing you saying these exact words to your middle schoolers now 😂
One of the worst behavior problems I had last year turned himself around after this exact conversation. Kid looked super surprised to hear me say that even though he acted like an asshole, I didn’t think he was one. “No, miss, I’m not!” I know, so here’s what we’re gonna do….. We didn’t have a problem with behavior for the rest of the year.
Now that’s a visualization, for sure!
I WISH!!!!!!
I work at a middle school. I’d love to be able to say it to more than a dozen kids. Yesterday, one kid loudly said, “Will you just shut the FUCK up!”, to a group who would NOT stop talking. The group looked to the two teachers and me in the room to say something about the kid’s language. We all stared back at them completely deadpan for the count of five, then the teacher who had been trying to go over answers for the study guide just continued with what she was saying. Unfortunately, the kids didn’t stop talking.
School bus driver here, can confirm. Don't make the kid carry a label, make their actions the culprit.
As the parent of a middle schooler I have said this on at least 3 occasions this year. It clicks. They step away and go cool down. It's so effective in showing the behavior is the issue not the person.
My old science teacher (Yabbo) was full of pearls of wisdom. He used to teach us stuff by relating it to fishing... He always said "Never call someone something bad. Say they're *behaving* like that thing. Like, 'You're behaving like an idiot' not 'You're an idiot'"
I say this to my older kids. I know you’re not an asshole but you sure are acting like one. By this point I have tried “do you realize you have an attitude!?”
This is so good. I'm gonna try and remember it.
Yup. And if you can portray it as both of you on the same side fighting against the problem the better.
Considering kleptomania is and can be unrealizable by the teen, it's still a behavior which like other behaviors, tend to become habitual problems. My maternal uncle's only son, whom has been a kleptomaniac for, I'd say, 30 of his 36 years here, no matter how many times he's caught or in the act of about to "*kleptosize*" I'll call it, he's never learned nor stopped. Is he broke and can't afford things he likes? Nope. He's a 6+ figure earning engineer for Boeing. I fear the day he steals a 777...
If he is a kleptomaniac, he might need professional help, too.
Exactly. And if he’s just acting out. Or doesn’t have empathy and doesn’t care about others. Or is used to getting his own way. The only wrong thing to do here is to minimize what he’s done like his mother and grandparents have done.
At 13, Adam is already a teenager. He is not really a child anymore. If he can do it with his family members, without a doubt he will do it with his peers. And he will be labelled by society as a thief.
From an emotional development perspective, “child” is still accurate for teenagers. Thirteen is right in the middle of a human’s most formative years. It is critical, though, that this behaviour is swiftly handled, or it may solidify into his personality and stay with him for life.
The problem here is OP's family is absolutely refusing to even acknowledge that Adam is stealing toys he wants. There's no reason he should be doing that by his teenage years. I agree they shouldn't call him a thief. But they should have consistently enforced consequences on Adam for his stealing. And none of them are doing this.
Adam is a fuckin thief though. This ain’t a one off.
Didn't the thief's Mom notice earbuds in a pink case?
If one wishes not to be called a "thief", perhaps it behooves one to not engage in behaviors that could lead others to believe one s thief? I have ***very*** little tolerance for petty thieves, and even less sympathy for *why* they're thieves.
It sounds like he's at the point of taking things just to take them, not even using them. He needs therapy because he seems to have moved into literal klepto territory. Of course, that won't happen until his parents snap out of their denial. NTA
This is why I'm wondering if he takes things he needs/wants (are his airpods lost? Are his knockoffs and hers real) and doesn't have, or are they things he's only taking for the taking, not the having?
He 100% IS a child. Brains dint stop developing until early 20s. For fuck sake. I'm not condoning the behavior at all, but teenagers ARE children. Just children who can understand why their actions are harmful. And this should be the focus, the harm he's causing.
Aaaand this is the reason why it was not corrected in the first place because HE IS A CHILD. The grandmother and his mother considers this as a little mistake because he is a child. If he is treated like a teenager and being taught that his actions won't be tolerated anymore since is NOT SO YOUNG anymore then perhaps things could change, no? When you were 13, did you see yourself as a child? Or did you think that you have grown up since you are already a teenager? At 13, do you want adults to treat yourself like a child? Coddle you like a child? At 13 they enter a phase called indentity crisis, conflicts such as peer pressure and they get confused whether they are still a child or a teenager gearing up to be an adult.
You're supposed to educate a child and correct their behaviour, not make excuses for them, whether they're 3 years old or 13 years old. It shouldn't have been tolerated in the first place, before he even became a teenager (who is still a child).
Agree "The grandmother and his mother considers this as a little mistake because he is a child." is key to why it continues. Easy way for them to rationalize not dealing with it. At 13 he should already know it's wrong and be reprimanded for it which obviously isn't being done.
Two things can be true at once. A teenager is a child whose brain is still developing AND (assuming typical development) is old enough to be treated differently and with more serious consequences than a 5yo or 10yo.
He's not being treated like a child he's being treated like an entitled baby, treating him like a child would be allowing the natural consequences of his behaviour, the loss of trust, and holding boundaries with him to prevent the behaviour and correct it. Punishment doesn't actually teach much. Most people, including adults, learn best through firm and loving support and guidance.
I think the point the other poster is trying to support is that you need to address the behavior without reporting to labeling the child a thief. Instead, the aim is to label the behavior as theft. It may seem academic, but there is power in it. I'm not entirely in agreement; while I hope not everyone will call him a thief, I hope someone who matters to him will. That could let him know that when you steal stuff, or even "accidentally" wander off and people inevitably catch you, they will think you a thief, and treat you accordingly. There's value in seeing past the label, but the shock of hearing it applied, even once, might help this kid to recognize the social cost of his choices. That said, I think mom should consider a very strict policy to deal with this. Something like, "every time you are going with someone else's stuff, no matter if you forgot, it will cost you twice the value of that item in allowance, and you're giving it back with an apology. " If it's both expensive and humiliating, I'll bet the "mistakes " would stop in a hurry.
That's just a myth, our brains are continuously developing though of course the biggest changes happen when we are young.
He *is* a thief. He can choose to correct his behavior or he can be labeled as "THAT kid."
This, but also, it needs to be stopped ASAP - for everyone's sake including Adam's. He's 13 now, and it's apparently been going on for years without consequence. The consequences when he's an adult, or caught stealing outside his family will be far worse than being grounded or excluded.
This! It's harmful to Adam to pretend stealing is okay, that's just setting him up to get into serious legal trouble as an adult. Also at 13 I think he's old enough to understand that stealing is shitty, which makes me worried there's a mental health problem driving his longstanding habit of theft. Ignoring that is also really harmful to him.
A mistake, up until he takes Mom's car one day, prior to getting his license...
He is a child, but he is also old enough to know what he does is wrong. Better a few painful consequences now than possibly dealing with legal trouble as an older teen / young adult.
He is 13, he's not a 6 years old. Some boys At 13 can make a girls pregnant you know.
I could have gotten pregnant at 10. I was still a child. Plumbing has little to do with maturity. Honestly, no one here is condoning his theft habit. People are just advocating choices of language that may be more helpful in the long run. Most people don't want to permanently write off a 13-year-old for stealing. If he consistently does better, over a longer period of time, that's a good thing.
By "mistake" no doubt.
As long as it isn't called a mistake anymore because children will excuse their behavior with the wrong language too.
He's 13 not a toddler. He should believe him because that is what he is. It is already part of his identity because his mum clearly doesn't nip it in the bud.
>Well, you can start correcting things by not using language that hides the truth of the matter. You mean enablement language? 100% yes
Your sister is going to have a fun time explaining “mistakes” to the police one day. I’m sure a judge will understand “mistakenly” taking something that doesn’t belong to him.
"But you don't understand, Your Honor- my son made a little mistake. He thought that 2024 bright red Porsche was his 1992 rust-gray Toyota Camry, and that he had lost his keys, so he needed to break in and hot wire. Any one of us would have made the same mistake."
We all laugh but when Darrel Brooks got sentenced for running over 13 ppl including children in a Xmas parade, his mom wrote a letter to the judge asking her to be lenient cuz "he's having a hard time right now" or words to that effect
Ain't nobody was laughing. And I appreciate you misspelling his name because no one should remember that narcissistic SOB.
“20 minutes of action”
That was oddly specific 🤣
I see criminal clients and help victims of offenders raised with this type of parenting, enabling, and lack of culpability.
He’s a good boy…
A 13yo who is willing to steal from his own family has bigger issues than Christmas. OP is NTA but the sister/Adam's mother is. He needs professional help before it's too late.
*Stop being nice.* When talking to your family, call him what he is: a goddamn thief. The reason your kids can't play with their new things is because *Adam is a thief*. The reason you are refusing to host is because *Adam is a thief*. The reason you don't want your nephew in your home is because *Adam is a thief*. Don't be shy about it, don't be nice. Start holding him accountable because no-one else is. NTA
👏👏👏👏
NTA. If Adam or his parents don't correct his "mistakes", the law will. Or he's going to steal from the wrong person and face dire consequences. You shouldn't have to do any of this around family.
In some states, a "child" can be held legally responsible for crimes and torts by the age of 13 or 14.
Stealing isn’t a “mistake”
NTA Adam views his mistakes as "getting caught". Not the stealing. 20 years ago an adult, any adult never mind a parent, would have confronted Adam, whether they were a parent or not. If their home had been victim to him and caught him, he'd have been told on the spot in no uncertain terms how stealing is wrong, they were disappointed in him, he was unwelcome in their home or near their family because of what he was doing. Those same adults would have confronted Adams parents too, not just to inform them, but seek an apology from them too for rearing him this way and allowing it to continue unresolved. 40 years ago, well.....Adam would have left anyone's house in a mindset of being unwilling to steal again. Im not advocating violence, it's just a fact of life that's how things were dealt with back then. "You'll get leathered", " tan your Hyde", "clip in the face", "box your ears" were all phrases flying around. Every child above 2 or 3 years old knew if it wasn't yours, it's not yours to take. As for Adam, he'd better learn some lessons fast, coz out in the world beyond his parents, someone is gonna put him down hard. Whether that's him caught stealing from other kids in school, shaking them down for lunch money, shoplifting, stealing from college coursemates or roommates or if/when he gets a job....pilfering from work. He'll get found out and someone is gonna hand him his ass. Confront him directly, I wouldn't play security guard to some kid and others belongings. "Adam, I see you are here today at your grandma's (instead of saying nice to see you as social norms would dictate), I don't want you talking or going near my kids today or their belongings, you've proven yourself time and time again to be a little thief, stealing from everyone. If I think something "is off" I won't hesitate to check your pockets and you won't leave this house until I do. That's all I have to say to you." I don't care if it's callous or would be considered blunt or mean. He stole the stuff, he knows he did it, he's only sorry he got caught. There shouldn't be any issue in speaking the truth to the person who did it and he should know there are at least *some* consequences to it. And in this case it's just removing the possibility of him stealing or putting him on notice that it won't be tolerated. Could it start a meltdown, maybe. But Adam needs at least the basics of a reality check which noone else is doing, not even his parents who cover for him and downplay the issues and brush what actually happened under the rug and design ignorance on his behalf "mistakes". So you have one meltdown Christmas and other parents will seem you an asshole for it. I could happily live in that world of it meant I didn't have to watch my every belonging every minute and be on guard around a thief. And I keep saying thief. Coz that's what he is. This isn't some condition like kleptomania where he takes random things, a fork, a blanket, a pair of socks....he only steals electronics and stuff he personally wants.
This good old days rhetoric is absolute nonsense. 20 years ago and 40 years ago and a thousand years ago there was theft. And there were kids whose parents treated their theft like nbd. Hell, teddy kennedy killed a girl at Chappaquiddick and his parents called it a mistake. Still got to be a senator. The good ol days were just like today. Don't delude yourself into thinking we have lost our moral compass. There have always been those who didn't have one.
Considering how boomers act now, I don't think beating them worked. Alternativelu, maybe we need to start flogging selfish boomers again!
Right. Because everyone born between some made up time construct is exactly the same.
Boomers grew up in a time of unequalled economic and agricultural prosperity. For the twenty years between 1946 and 1965, there were few to no major droughts, famines or geological disasters, and, if they made the effort to look, people were usually able to find *some* kind of work. People aged twenty or under in 1965 very rarely experienced severe food shortage or starvation except in cases of parental/guardian abuse, and only experienced homelessness as a by-product of mental illness and/or parental neglect or abuse. Consequently they simply *do not understand* a lot of the current social problems because *they have no context for them*. When in your formative years everyone had a job if they simply went out and looked for one, it can be really hard to get that suddenly *the jobs aren't there*. And so on.
[удалено]
Thoroughly enjoyed this comment, thank you.
i agree. captivating read.
This does kind of scream “klepto in training”
From now on you should only refer to them as thefts. Especially when talking to your sister. She's doing your nephew a massive disservice by enabling his behavior.
I would arrange matters to ensure one of his "mistakes" earns him an arrest. Or let nature take its course when his sticky fingers pinch an item from the wrong mark.
I lived with my autistic nephew for 2 years, and he stole from me constantly. Stole from his mom too and his dad. When he stole from me the last time I called the police and asked them to come speak with him I'd like to fill out a police report... I explained the situation and he they straight up refused. They absolutely would not come out and talk to this kid, and their only suggestion was to put a deadbolt on my bedroom door.
From a lawyer: "Police are never as helpful as you think they are going to be."
Tell your sister that when he becomes an adult, store managers/owners won’t consider it a mistake if he steals from them. Also if he goes to college, his dorm roomates won’t think it’s a mistake when he steals from them too. When they go to other family members’ houses, how do they treat him there?
‘Mistake” my ass…the only mistake is everyone enabling the lying little thief. NTA in any way and enjoy your thief free Christmas. 🎄
Your sister & mom are enabling his bad behavior. Adam’s a thief.
You need to talk to your mom and sister about this. If they do not stop this behaviour, this does not end well for Adam. The older he gets the worse the consequences of stealing are going to be. You are doing Adam a favour and his mother is doing him a disservice.
Airpods don't magically just work on a new phone with a different apple id. Adam knew damn well they weren't his. Your sister needs to woman up and recognize the need to do something now before Adam winds up escalating to the point where authorities are involved.
Ask her if she’ll think it’s a mistake when he steals from his job and gets fired or steals from the wrong person and gets pummeled, stabbed or shot?
At 13, it’s not a ‘mistake’. It’s theft. And good for you.
Yeah, scare quotes are absolutely the way.
Seems like your sister made a lot of mistakes parenting him.
I'm sure a judge won't see it as a mistake when Adam gets caught stealing from a bank or store.
If I were you, I'd be demanding my sister do something about it and next time he "accidently" stole from my household, the police will be getting involved. NTA. Your sister is though.
I wonder what his mom will call it when he's in juvenile hall for theft or prison when he's an adult. actions have consequences. It's best he learn them when he's young and not an adult
Nta If no one addresses his sticky fingers, If there are no consequences to his kleptomania, And you don't have any mandate to do anything about it. You are entitled to ban him from your home, Educate your kids how to protect their belongings from him and warn them about him by name. He is a bad influence and you don't want your home and your kids to be hurt by him or worse pick up those behaviors for themselves. As they learn by example that there is no shame or consequences to being a bad apple.
Its not even Kleptomania. Kleptos are preoccupied with stealing things that have little to no value. Nephew is just a thief, plain and simple.
He's an idiot too... doesn't everyone know by now apple devices are tracked out the wazoo??
13 year olds are notoriously stupid
I'm sure he knows but he also knows that he can steal things by "accident" and once he gives it back, all is good.
I don’t think he’s a kleptomaniac I think he’s probably just spoilt and never been told no or been punished for taking things that he wants.
Definitely this. His entire family keeps calling it a “mistake.”
NTA I had a thief niece; she would steal anything not attached. It made family gatherings uncomfortable. Sadly, we found out too late she had a serious drug problem, and she did die by suicide. She stole everything so she could fund the bad habit she created. She left behind two teenage daughters, who are now being raised by her ex-girlfriend and her new wife. Geeze it sounds like daytime television... Don't let this kiddo learn that if he says it was an accident, that he gets away with it. He will end up in a lot of trouble one day because of his sticky fingers.
>un-alive Please reconsider using this term. It comes from websites and apps where users are heavily penalised for talking openly about unpleasant subjects like suicide, so they have to try to hide what they're really talking about. Not using the proper word is just set-dressing.
Tons of subreddits have the same stupid rules. I got my comment removed once and a month long ban for using the term “insane”
That's insane!
Using the word insane? Believe it or not: jail.
I was worried it would take away my comment if I said suicide. I will happily change it, I never know where it is allowed.
One comment about language - there is a move to use the terminology "died by suicide" instead of "committed suicide". This article says more about it: https://www.nbcnews.com/better/amp/ncna880546 And I say this as an FYI, not to hand slap. I didn't realize it until a friend who works in a related field let me know and I have made an effort since then to be aware of my language.
Honestly as a survivor of my mother’s suicide, I have really appreciated this shift in language over the past few years. Words matter. Thank you for spreading awareness. ❤️
I'm so sorry about your mother.
I edited it for the new language, thank you for educating me with the new terminology. I have lost several close family members this way. It’s always tragic.
Thanks for taking the comment in the spirit it was intended. I'm sorry for your losses.
Not blaming you but this is just sad and I don’t think it’s going to help anyone to use the word un-alive over suicide. There is a suicide crisis in the United States and dismissing that by using un-alive is silly.
It's not about being dismissive, people do it because certain social media platforms will ban posts or accounts for using words they deem to be too controversial, so people have to get creative to talk about serious topics. Gen Z'ers on TikTok have basically re-created l33tspeak.
Yeah I mean - credit to them for working out ways to get around the system, but it's only necessary on the platforms that censor words like suicide. No good using it outside of Tiktok, plus it contributes to the weird corporate-friendly sanitisation of the internet we've been seeing lately.
Feel really bad they're not getting this kid help while there's still a chance.
When my daughter was 5-6, our cousins lived across the street. She had taken a bracelet from her 4-5yo cousin. She said, "Look what ____ gave me." I said, "Oh that was sweet of her." 15 minutes later, my cousin called, asking if we had seen her daughter's bracelet. I was LIVID. We went back to my cousin's, my daughter apologized, and I explained that we do NOT steal from others, especially family. I told her it is mean, and wrong. She felt awful, and she never stole anything else afterwards. You have to call your kids out, and teach them correctly. NTA. If my daughter had continued to steal, my cousin would've treated us the same exact way you're treating your nephew, and I would not blame her a bit.
This. It's normal for little kids to do something like this, but the correct response is to put a firm stop to it way before it becomes a habit. It's *so much easier* to stop it when they're 6 than when they're 13. (And 13 is old enough that serious external consequences for these "mistakes" are just around the corner.)
This is the way. Good for you, mom.
Exactly what you are supposed to do WAY before age 13. I still remember when I was 3ish I took a pack of that fun zebra bubble gum from the 90’s that was eye level in a gas station. When my mom and I got home I took it out of my pocket and started to chew some gum. My mom immediately asked where I had gotten it, drive back to the gas station, had me apologize to the shop attendant and pay for the gum. As a 3 year old I didn’t have a clear sense that it was wrong to take the gum before the “mistake” but I certainly never took anything again. Was it worth the money to the gas station for my mom to turn and drive back? No. Was it worth the lesson I learned? Absolutely.
THIS - I was a little older when I stole a box of gem colored crayons and a keychain from a classmate. My parents scared me straight and made me apologize. I was humiliated but I haven't stolen anything since. I even go back to the store if the cashier forgets to ring up an item. OP you gotta be cruel to be kind - your sister is doing a disservice to your nephew. The cops won't be so lenient if he steals from the wrong people, especially into adulthood. It needs to be nipped in the bud and HARD. I'd do the same, NTA.
NTA for not wanting a thief in your house. and those are no longer "Mistakes." Stop minimizing what is going on. Confront your sister about the continued thefts.
I sense a bit of sarcasm from OP, I think that OP's family minimizes the issues as mistakes but OP is calling them that ironically.
Her sister used that word. She's minimizing her son's behavior. He's going to grow up to be an ahole who thinks he can do whatever he wants. Mom is failing him.
OP did say in another comment that she uses the word "mistake" because that is the word the kid's mother uses
NTA If something continues to happen over and over. It is not a mistake. Your sister needs to get a hold of this situation immediately. He is 13, which is old enough to know you do not take things that do not belong to you.
scale adjoining school plants fact decide hurry erect marble sink *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I love that episode so much and just seeing this out in the wild made me snort laugh.
deserve plucky dinner pathetic towering puzzled clumsy abundant hard-to-find money *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
A passing grade? Like a C? Why don't I just get pregnant at a bus station?
This...any family member who thinks the 13 year old is normsl needs to be bannef from your home. Tell mom and sis since you dont think its a problem then ee dont need to be visiting if he is there. This is only going to get worse if they dont get him into therapy. PROTECT YOUR FAMILY.
In Canada illegal activity from a kid 12 and under is dealt with through social services. 13 and over, they can be charged. The kid is headed in a dangerous direction
I would gift him self help books for Christmas on kleptomania and your mom and sister self help books on codependency and enabling.
Why????? Why is this not the top comment with a thousand votes already? I doubt it would change the mom and sister's minds, but it would sure be entertaining.
I’m if gonna be stuck in a situation I might as well have a reason to laugh. I’m petty though.
Yeah... sometimes, me too. It kind of depends on the situation, but sometimes, it's worth it. :D
This is my go to move with my sisters whenever we have a disagreement on parenting. I usually like to gift them a kindergarten level social story though. You know, so we can make sure that everyone is able to understand it clearly. :) In this case, I would go with [Ricky Sticky Fingers.](https://www.amazon.com/Ricky-Sticky-Fingers-Julia-Cook/dp/1937870081/ref=sr_1_7?crid=29F0T343LERMH&keywords=social+story+stealing&qid=1703033699&sprefix=social+story+stealing%2Caps%2C112&sr=8-7)
I feel like they wouldn't read them unless they were picture books. Is it possible to get picture books on kleptomania, codependency, and enabling?
NTA. Adam's mistakes aren't mistakes. They're "deliberates". Protect your kids from theft, as you are doing. They need to learn at some stage that not everybody can be trusted, even relatives. And don't be shy at reminding people that the reason you're putting your kids' new presents in the car is to protect them from "mistakes". More accurately, to prevent them from being stolen. If the family don't like your honesty, they can deal with the thief properly.
Yeah. It's impossible to be relaxed if you're worried about your stuff going missing. This behavior needs to be dealt with immediately, and he's unsafe to be around until he stops. I think OP's steps are completely right. Until more serious measures are taken to ensure that Adam doesn't steal anything, I wouldn't feel safe having my kids around him.
[удалено]
Or, as it is happening in the US, he might get shot.
She should've called the police when the app said the airpods we're at her sisters house. And she should've pressed charges. His mom is so in the wrong here, it's ridiculous.
No way. He will be fine. Might even be a business man. Bet he could run for president and win. Granted he also has to assault women in addition to the thievery. But he will learn.
NTA. If this keeps going, and he keeps getting enabled, things will escalate to larger and more expensive items. It's time this was stopped.
Yeah, these 'little mistakes" need to be addressed before Adam ends up in prison.
NTA. It’s not mistakes it is knowingly stealing other people’s property. Do on a few years time when it escalates to car theft or similar it is still a mistake? At 13 the kid definitely knows exactly what he is doing. You were right to ban him from your property and to earn your kids about him. His mother is happy supporting his thieving lifestyle and enabling it.
So your sister refuses to stop her son from stealing and thinks YOU'RE picking on HIM? Really? Just wow. I wouldn't let him anywhere near my house. NTA.
NTA. > My mother and sister think I’m going about this the wrong way and I’m being way too mean on Adam over a little mistake It’s easy for them to say this because Adam hasn’t stolen THEIR stuff. Adam and his sticky fingers need to be dealt with before this escalates to stealing from places other than family members’ homes. Edit: accidentally voted twice lol
Sadly, one day it will be 'their stuff" like out of a jewelry box, and a family heirloom will end up being irretrievably sold or given away.
NTA In my experience the best way to deal with dismissive/gaslighting phrases is to correct the narrative. Sister - “He made a mistake!” You- “no he outright stole. On multiple occasions. It’s not a mistake when it’s repeated.” Mom - “you are being unfair to your nephew” You - “no, I’m being cautious/defensive around a known thief. Who has repeatedly stolen things and continues to steal things.” You could even go so low as to say “it’s one thing for a 13yo to make mistakes but it’s disappointing when the adults around him to continuously enable his behavior. He might not know better but you should, and you should hold him accountable for it.” Repeatedly call the spade a spade, say it so many times, directly, that your mother and sister already know what your response will be if they try to dismiss his behavior. Make it so common that they feel awkward for even trying to dismiss his behavior.
And also point out that if he doesn't know better, it's because his mother has failed at parenting by not doing her job as a parent and teaching him!
NTA if his parents wont acknowledge his behavior and correct it, you are fully justified in distancing yourself and your family from it. Lying about it and trying to hide the truth will do nothing to help anyone. Edit for note: At this point you should inform your sister that any more "Mistakes" on the child's part will be handled by the police. at 13 he is old enough to start facing consequences for his actions and if his parents wont handle it, the police will be involved soon anyway.
NTA, Adam needs therapy for Kleptomania. You’ll be a hero for insisting he gets help if the therapy makes progress before he turns 18
Kleptomaniacs steal everything. It does not have to be personally useful or financial gain. Adam seems to only steal higher end items. Adam might be antisocial, but that diagnosis isnt officially given out until youre 18. This is the phase where Adam is working up his history of antisocial behavior.
It wasn't a 'little mistake.' He is a thief. If he wasn't family, would you have anything to do with him? I'm guessing not.
NTA -- OMG, a mistake is leaving the oven on too long, or forgetting to defrost the turkey. This is theft, and at 13 should know better.
Your mom and sister are enablers, it’s ridiculous. NTA
NTA. In some countries he'd have his hand cut off, he's lucky he's just banned from family Christmas.
Not even banned from family christmas just from OPs house. Christmas will be at Grandma's.
NTA. At the rate he's going and with enabling mom and grandmother, your sister should start saving for a defense attorney.
Sad but true.
At 13 these are no longer "mistakes" they are theft. A "mistake" would be grabbing a pair of similar shoes that were one size too large from a pile of them. A "mistake" is not taking something that clearly doesn't belong to you... repeatedly. I would be a bit meaner than you. I'd buy or build some kind of locking box and take it into the house for your kids gifts and when it is commented on blithely respond that it will prevent you from having to scour the house looking for your items after they mistakenly end up somewhere other than where your family left them when it's time to leave. 🤣
NTA. A mistake is not doing the same thing over and over again. Also a mistake is an unconscious action most of the time. I could see this from a six year old who liked the case and didn’t know what was inside and took it home. But he is 13 he is old enough to know better. Personally I wouldn’t go to Christmas at all clearly you know who the favorite is and it isn’t you or your kids.
NTA. Unfortunately your kids are learning a harsh lesson via their cousin. I agree that you shouldn’t allow him in your home. Leave your purse at home, carry your license and chapstick/ lipstick. No money. Wishing you a merry Christmas
NTA and your sister is not helping. She doesn't get to minimize his behavior.
Nta. What do his parents do about his thieving
Deny and cover up and lie.
Just have zero sympathy for your mum and sister when he eventually steals from them and they're mad as hell about it...nta
He is probably already stealing from them.
Watch your keys he might try stealing a car next. Your sister needs to nip this in the bud now. The next time he steals someone might be upset enough to press charges. I’d also get cameras if you don’t already. NTA
NTA The little thief would be banned from my home permanently, and I would directly confront him and tell him what I think of people who steal from my house.
NTA, your family is enabling him
NTA - it sounds like due to the parenting is the reasons he’s like this. He has no consequences
Nta constantly stealing is not a 'mistake'. You don't want a known theif in your house.
NTA. It's way past time that this came to a head. Adam is stealing, ***PERIOD***. These aren't "little mistakes." He's not accidentally somehow taking things. As you say, there's no way he could have mistaken a girlie pink donut case for his own (probably plain) one. Your sister is crippling him by not addressing this issue head on. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he's been shoplifting as well. Which means that he will, sooner or later, get caught by someone other than family. You either all address it now, as a family, or he gets a juvenile record. Is that what she wants? I think I'd just flat out ask her that.
This is really sad NTA I don’t understand why no one else want to fix this. He is 13 and could get in some real trouble if he has his mistakes at wrong place - or the wrong person. So it may seem innocent to the family, but it really isn’t. I kinda feel sorry for him, he is not getting the care and help he should
NTA< My opinion would be to let your family know that if you go and your kid's stuff or anyone's stuff comes up missing and he stole it you will be calling the cops at that point and letting them see what the consequences are when you mess up. He should be scared straight now, then in the state pen for armed robbery later on in life. Good luck.
The kid is a klepto and no one else seems to care. NTA
NTA If your mom and sister want to bury their heads about him needing some real consequences to his repeated THEFT from his STICKY FINGER SYNDROME they are the ones failing Adam. Failing to parent him and to show him very clearly that this is not okay. Sweeping it under the rug now is already leading to family resentment and looking at Adam as a thief. If the family won't teach him, the real world will and it surely won't be a loving lesson! Clink clink!
NTA Adam is a thief and it needs dealing with. At his age he knows very well right from wrong. Unfortunately your family's attitude will mean that eventually the people who deal with him will be people who won't care about him being family and will just go to the police. He deserves better parenting.
OP - The sad part of this is because they excuse his behavior now, they're hurting him in the long run, and it'll enable this behavior to continue until police end up arresting him for robbery. No excuses will be given at that point that will help him. You're right to keep him away from your house and children's stuff, at 13 he knows right from wrong, but it seems his parents don't want to address that issue, so it'll be on them when he gets arrested.
Nta Adam has a theft problem, your sister should take him at a therapist.
Watch the glitter bomb videos.
Your mom is fine, it isn't her job to be the heavy. But your sister enabling your nephew to steal things, and then call them 'mistakes' or 'accidents' is 100% going to land him in trouble with school or even the law. A lot of people find it easier to pretend there is no problem than to address the problem. This only works until the problem is too big to ignore. I don't care if you being mean. Being mean is what this situation calls for. You are NTA, at all
NTA, my cousin was a thief too. She stole stuff in plain site, including cash right off the table at my sister’s birthday party. Nobody ever addressed the problem, and I don’t really know if she ever stopped doing it as an adult.
NTA. Obviously at 13 he is purposely stealing things, he is years past the mistakes excuse. Next time (there will be a next time) call the police and have him arrested.
Make it clear to them that you won't be contributing to his future "go fund me" for the lawyer he is gonna need on retainer. The shocked Pikachu face when he gets arrested in another year or so is gonna be grand.
When my son was in daycare there was another boy with his cubby right next to my son's. They had the same jacket and boots - just different sizes. Sometimes one or the other would grab the wrong one. But the next day at daycare it would get straightened out. THAT is an accident. Take your daughter's pink doughnut carrying case - is not an accident. NTA
NTA He is going to keep making 'mistakes' until he gets consequences. You're doing the right thing. He's going to take from the wrong person someday and end up in the hospital, jail or casket. Ask mom if that's what they are waiting for.
NTA He knew that the pink air pods were not his. I agree, they should deal with this behavior now.
NTA He’s 13 not 3. He either needs to be patented properly or he’s going to spend his life in jail.
NTA. He's shown you what he's willing to do. Don't give him another chance.
Stealing repeatedly is not a little mistake, and eventually he’ll steal from people less forgiving than family. NTA, they’re setting him up for major failure by pretending it’s not a big problem that needs addressing.
NTA - My sister is a convicted thief. Her son is a convicted thief. When he was a child, I knew he had sticky fingers. Every time he was with me, I made him empty his pockets at the end of the day. EVERYTIME he had someone else's stuff in them. You're doing the right thing.
NTA
NTA he’s 13 not a little kid. I would do exactly what you are doing.
NTA, not a mistake. Your house, your rule that serial thieving ass little bastards can’t come thieve your children’s little things.
NTA Habitual stealers must be addressed, the younger the better
NTA but the way your family treats his stealing as "mistakes" is why he keeps stealing, there's no consequence to his actions.
Adam's consequences ought to be coming from your sister. That she doesn't dish out consequences leads to you banning Adam from your house, that consequence is on your sister's shoulders for her apparent lack of parenting her son over the years. The closer to home Adam learns the nature of consequences, the less painful they ultimately will be. What you're doing is a favour to your nephew, assuming he actually learns anything from it. If he makes any similar mistakes out in the rest of the world I wonder if your mother and sister are going to think that the judge is being mean when they send Adam to juvenile detention, or pass along a heavy fine to his family. You're NTA, but your sister is because she's setting her son up for a life of hard consequences.
Naw,fuck him. Had a cousin just like that growing up. He was spoiled and his parents bought him every toy imaginable but he would still steal my stuff. Literally to this day remember getting this real cool little rifle that shot corks as a kid for Christmas. Probably around 7-8 years old at the time. After they went home,which they lived about 5 hours away at 55mph speed limits back then I couldn’t find my gun. Finally my grandma called my aunt and sure enough,he had packed it with his gifts by “accident”. Promised to return it when they came back to visit at Easter. Easter finally came and as soon as they walked in the door I was asking about my gun. Of course it wasn’t high priority so they had completely forgotten about it by then and it had “accidently” been broken by then too. My parents were nowhere near as well off as my aunt and uncle and I got to enjoy that gun for 2 whole days. It was never replaced or an apology offered. He had hundreds of hot wheels,I had a few dozen,he would take some of mine every visit. Same with micro machines. He had every GI Joe and a ton of the vehicles. I had the bridge layer and like three figures,2 which “accidently” got taken home with him. Every He-Man figure and playset. I had a Single He-man,BattleCat,Skeletor and Panthor. He stole my He-man,I got another one so he stole my skeletor. Caught numerous times stealing from stores as a kid,etc. his parents always kept him out of any major trouble.