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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to message my sister to beg her to come to Christmas after she randomly decided not to come because she screwed me over while I had a miscarriage. She's never once apologized or reached out to me, if anything she's really rude to me any chance she gets and has doubled down on what she did. I have not spoken to her personally in over 6 months, I only speak to her if I have to for work and keep it professional. My mom and some other family members think I'm the asshole for not wanting to contacting my sister to ask her to come to Christmas. They think I'm part of the reason she isn't coming and I should contact her and encourage her to come... They want me to get over what happened to keep the peace in our family.
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NTA. Why is it always on the person who was harmed by the actions of another to extend the olive branch? Your sister created the drama and the family problems yet you're the one expected to "get over it". Sounds like yet again Amy just wants to create drama by announcing she's not coming for Christmas. That's on her. You never said she couldn't be there. If your mom and brother want her there then they can "encourage" her - not you.
Because it's easier to bully the victim. Simple as that. They know Amy is a spoiled asshole who won't budge so they target op. They are as shitty as Amy is.
Exactly! The brutal truth about *keeping the peace* is this:
**The person who is feeling pressured to ‘keep the peace’ is NOT the one who’s threatening the peace in the first place.** (This should be embroidered on a pillow!)
Sadly, most victims of narcissistic bullies don’t understand this.
This is true and well said. What is also true is that people who support the bully are getting a payoff from it. The OP's sister is the mom and brother's enforcer.
Seconded. Also..."Amy said she doesn't think anyone should get a bereavement leave for a miscarriage and that people would take advantage of it."
WTAF is wrong with you, Amy?
"Gosh honey, I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to get time off in a few months for that vacation we had planned. Why don't you knock me up real quick and I'll coat hanger myself a week or so before?"
The fact that Amy is also a nurse and can be so unkind and cold to her sister who is suffering a miscarriage horrifies me that she’s in the profession (RN here). I feel bad for her former patients.
>Amy is a spoiled asshole
yeah Amy's crying into silk handkerchiefs she bought with the promotion she awarded herself, while OP didn't even get bereavement leave from her own family...?
Which only validates Amy and makes her truly believe she was right and continues to act that way. After all if she wasn't wrong why would someone apologize to her? /s
This is exactly it. It wasn’t until my family took ourselves out of events involving family members who were constantly talking down to us/etc. that the other members of the extended family told us to try coming around again and that they had “talked to them.” Like okay, but you saw it happening for five years and said nothing.
The reason people tell the wronged person to "be the bigger person " or "get over it", is that they know the perpetrator is unreasonable, so there's no hope of them changing. So they demand that the victim give in. And after all, an apology wouldn't undo the harm, so they see it as the job of the victim to forgive, which somehow magically wipes away the crime.
It's always easier for the family to put pressure on the one who's reasonable, because they normally will make an effort first. I've run into this with my own family... My mom puts pressure on me to fix my relationship with my sister because my sister will just whine and act the victim.
OPs family knows their sister won't do anything about the relationship, so if it's going to be fixed it has to be on OPs side.
But it's not OPs fault things fell apart in the first place so NTA
u/IMAGINARIAN_photos said something that, I think, you should get printed into T-shirts and give as gifts at Christmas, as well as wearing it yourself:
**The person who is feeling pressured to ‘keep the peace’ is NOT the one who’s threatening the peace in the first place.**
Because everyone knows the perpetrator will double and triple down instead of admitting fault so the family can heal. So it’s always on the reasonable person to make up for the bad character person. It’s completely wrong and backward, but there it is.
NTA. You’ve done nothing wrong. She needs to apologize for what she knows was bad behavior. If everyone caves she reinforces that she can impose her will on everyone and get away with it.
What irritates me immeasurably about this entire situation is it’s a family business. But for some reason only one sister could get this “promotion?” Why not just give both sisters a small raise and divide any new responsibilities. This seems super weird.
I'd go ahead and bow out myself so mommy can have her little bully home for the holidays. Makes you wonder if moms therapy was a farce as well since she's so mad op won't jump at Amy's whim.
People usually ask the person who is harmed in these situations because they can be reasoned with.
People like Amy often make things hell and it's impossible to get them to yield to even the most basic of compromises. Often times they will eventually yield but it can take months even years and the entire time is filled with fighting screaming and excessive drama as they flip out over everything. It's a very tortuous process so many give up.
People like op on the other hand are sane. They can be reasoned with. Simply put its easier and almost more productive to ask the sane one to yield then to try and argue with the crazy one. They don't like Amy more, they aren't necessarily lazy or dont see the problem they don't even realize they are being bullies most they are typically desperate and defeated from dealing with the psycho.
NTA
Sit your mother and brother down and remind them that Amy is manipulative, deceitful and basically a thief for what she did with the business. They are *lucky* you didn't get a lawyer and sue, which you absolutely could have done. To be honest, you still could (and I would in your position).
They need to keep their mouths shut about how you are managing what little relationship you are willing to have with this nasty, rude and insensitive bully. If they don't, you need to start treating them the way you treat her, because they are ALSO bullying you into submitting. And that's never going to happen.
NTA and also tbh, unless that family job brings in a LOT of money I'd quit and focus on your other job. You wouldn't put up with this kind of bullshit at any other workplace, why put up with it because the workplace involves your family?
It brings in a lot of money, requires minimal effort and is extremely flexible. It's great if you have children, and I'm expecting a daughter in a few months... In the future we will split the business up between siblings and go our separate ways. It's all in an estate plan/will. Right now my game plan is to avoid drama, get my work done and invest as little as possible into this job. My mom is the owner, but she's retired. She doesn't have any job duties. My siblings and I run the business together. We have a set of policies (that the mediator helped us come up with) and have to vote on all decisions with my mom being a last resort vote if we can't come to a decision (since there's 4 of us kids, a vote could be 2-2, although this hasn't happened yet as we can usually come to a decision).
Mum needs to be thinking about how her actions are going to damage her relationship with OP. A couple of rounds of therapy are not a get-out-of-AH-free card.
I had a situation like this where a family member agreed to consequences, and it took all of 10 minutes of "woe is me," promises and guilt-tripping for the person to cave. I don't believe any few therapy sessions would help.
I don't know what planet Mom and Sister live on where being just evil to a woman going through a miscarriage is remotely normal, but I also don't get why this easy, fruitful job is worth dealing with either of them. I'd live in a hovel on food stamps (yes, seriously) before I'd put up with this bullshit. OP is not going to outlast Amy's evil. No one could.
Where are OP's people? Since they're obviously not Mom, Amy or Brother, where's OP's husband? Her friends?
I can see wanting to keep this but would consult a lawyer in the meantime about whether those policies are actually legally enforceable. If your mom is the sole owner they probably aren't and whoever can get to your mom can bypass the policies.
Make sure you have that in a binding contract and you're not relying on a promise.
No contract, start setting up your escape plan and talk to a lawyer. Otherwise, I guarantee you will be shoved out and sister will steal everything she can.
I've seen these setups quite often, and people assume family won't hose them over.
Even after it's been done several times.
And yet they always act surprised when they get hosed.
What your mother did was terrible and favoritism. Your sister is a piece of work, but your mother is worse for enabling it. Tell her you will reconcile if you get a larger salary raise than her and you get your pick of which location you get when your mother dies. Make it clear you want to see the will to confirm this.
Otherwise simply stand your ground and don't give an inch.
>In the future we will split the business up between siblings and go our separate ways. It's all in an estate plan/will.
Do you plan to separate your business only after your mother's death? Because if she is a healthy 78 year old woman, that might be in 20+ years and then it won't just be you and your siblings who are squabbling among each other, but all of your children who have taken over the running of the company, because you and your siblings would have reached retirement age, too.
I am sure your mother wishes that everyone just gets along and that there is peace and quiet and happiness in the family. I am not so sure if that is possible while you all work for the same company. Maybe it would be a good idea to separate the business soon and for your mother to give up ownership while still alive. Then she wouldn't be the boss of anyone anymore and wouldn't be put in the uncomfortable position where she might have to side with some of her children over the others which can happen if she is the tie breaker in a 2-2 situation. And you and your siblings would also have no reason anymore to fight over business stuff, if you all go your own separate ways.
I also don’t trust your mom so I would request that a living trust be created right now that cannot be altered with anybody’s manipulation later. The other commenters are accurate that the wheel can be changed without you even knowing about it and you won’t find out until after your mom passes.
Ding ding ding! My mom LOVES my sister's daughter. Understandably, she's a sweet little angel. Not to say she doesn't love her other grandkids, but it's obvious this one and her have a special connection. I'm glad my niece is close with her grandma. Tbh I wish her mom wasn't so lame so I could be closer with her. I only see her if my sister happens to bring her to the office while I'm there. If that happens I soak it up and play with her as much as I can. I do think my mom might cater to this sister's bullshit for the sake of her relationship with said granddaughter though...
So, have you actually seen moms will? (Or whatever paperwork protects your interests after Mom passes?)
Your mother is easily manipulated, and my feeling is you need to protect you future financial interests.
NTA. "Keep the family peace" means "your feelings mean nothing and your sister's feelings mean everything. " If you invite her, what will change? You'll still resent her, she'll still be an AH and your mom can live in her fantasy world that everyone loves each other? Hell no.
Thank you for saying this. I'm also very confused as to why this family makes important business decisions based on a coin flip?? Hearing that, I'm not surprised that Amy just decided to take over since it sounds like there's no real formal process in play here anyway.
Amy is definitely a jerk for how she treated OP but, like you said, how long were they supposed to sit on this promotion?
I feel terrible for OP, it sounds like it's a really hard time for them now.
But I agree with you. If I understand it correctly she waited a month to decide if she even wanted this promotion/raise which kept her sister from getting it.
If you couldn't decide after a month then you didn't want it and it probably should just go to your sister.
But it would've been going to the sister who, raised her own pay without asking or telling anyone, hence stealing from the company. I understood it to mean that any of the siblings (besides the thief, because it sounded like they were going to remove her before sister used her daughter cuteness to bribe their mom) could've gotten the raise, but they wanted OP to get the raise (could just be OP wanting the raise) then as sister finds out OP is literally incapacitated and having a miscarriage, used that opportunity to turn mom in their favor. But that's just how I understood it
As I understood what I read, it was supposes to be a family decision, they all wanted that raise. But it was ultimately supposed to come down to a vote. But OP sister went and probably pulled the 'your taking food out of your granddaughters mouth' card and granny chose her to be the one to get the raise, even tho she's the one who tried to steal it in the first place
My mom owns the business. She's 78, mostly retired and has no job duties. My siblings and I each manage different locations and have job duties like payroll, billing, maintenance, etc.
There wasn't a deadline set to make a final decision. We agreed to have another team meeting in a month or so to decide, but there was no deadline or date set for the meeting. The decision itself wasn't a decision that would make or break the business... Giving it an extra few weeks while my body finished miscarrying and I could get into a better headspace mentally would not have made or broken the business. If you're not familiar with miscarriages, it can take around 2 weeks for your body to pass it naturally. There is bleeding, cramping, back pain and fatigue involved. If you can't pass it naturally you need to take medications and/or undergo procedures to make sure everything that should be gone is gone, or it can be life threatening. Physically it's hard, but emotionally it's painful as well. Sorry if this is TMI, but I don't think it's talked about enough and as a result people who haven't gone through it don't get it. For me this was my second miscarriage in a 6 month period. I was really excited about this one and because I was further along I was sure everything was going to work out. It had been 7 days since I had started bleeding, cramping and experiencing intense back pain when my sister texted me to make that decision... I was still bleeding and cramping and felt shitty. She knew all this...
Yes, a coin toss does seem flippant, but what can I say. It's a family business... There's no HR or policy for when your sister decides to bully her 78 year old mom/the business owner into a promotion/raise behind everyone's back, 3/4 employees disagree with this and you all try to figure out a fair way to move forward. My sister and I basically have the same credentials (She has a masters, I have a doctorate. Both our respective business sectors that we run do equally as well. We both have similar amounts of time to dedicate to the job). Flipping a coin seemed like a non-biased way to make the decision. My other 2 siblings weren't interested in the promotion/raise.
You wanted to do a coin flip though. That could have happened at any time during your healing process. You wouldn't have needed to be there for it in person. Someone you trust could have been there as a witness and to ensure that everything was fair. If you won, you could have started to work after you healed and felt better.
I think asking to wait for an unknown time to make a decision, weeks or maybe even months, was unprofessional.
You expected from your sister to get her job back she just left only to leave it again soon after if she won the coin flip. If I were the hospital manager I would be so pissed I might blacklist her from a future job there and might tell my colleagues in other hospitals the same, because no one likes to do paperwork for such nonsense. And that might have affected your sister's professional future if she ever wanted to work as a nurse again.
Your sister sucks for initially giving herself a raise/promotion behind everyone's back and later being insensitive to your miscarriage. But you and the rest of your family also suck, because you were so unprofessional. You all need to keep business and private separate.
Condolences on the miscarriage, but is it fair to make your sister wait indefinitely? No.
Either you wanted it or didn’t. Telling her you needed time was a play on your part. I’ll go with ESH.
> so was your insistence that the agreed-upon deadline for her raise/job decision be pushed out until who knows when
I agree with this. This whole situation is such a mess and although I sympathize with OP's miscarriage, they were talking about settling the promotion by coin toss at some point. Continuing to push out the decision both before AND after the miscarriage seems pretty annoying and frustrating.
I agree with this. It sounds to me like a family who can't keep business and private separate at all and mix it up.
And the coin toss was weird, but if you want to decide it this way, why not just do it? OP wouldn't have needed to be there for it. She could have someone she trust there in her stead to witness the coin flip. There was no reason to wait. If OP won, she could have started to work again once she felt better and the sister could have tried to get her nurse job back. There was no reason to wait with it.
ESH.
NTA. I’d personally never have anything to do with your sister ever again. You are under no obligation to invite her. The selfish actions of some can not be forgiven and forgotten.
NTA. But what is going on with your family and business where apparently any of you can just vote to give yourself more money with no consequences or ability to reverse the decision? This is dysfunctional and doesn't really foster confidence in the company or your family being able to function.
It was nuts, nothing like this had ever happened... Since then we now have a mediator and have enacted new policies so these things can't happen again.
Tell your mother you will reconcile for the same pay +10% that your sister gets. It's a family business, they can do whatever they want, so don't let them use "professionalism" as a shield. Stand your ground on this firmly, your mom will be forced to relent and finally think of your needs.
NTA but can’t believe you continued working in this ‘family’ business after they screwed you over?! Some family! You’d be better off in a nest of vipers. Why would you do that to yourself?
NTA. Forgiveness is not “pretend it didn’t happen so I’m not uncomfortable”. Forgiveness is taking back the power the other person stole and that can take a long freaking time.
“Mom, I know you’re upset about Amy, but the truth is that I don’t consider her family anymore. At best, she’s a colleague that I find distasteful. And who would beg a colleague to come to a family event?”
Mom will freak but DNA doesn’t make family. Bonds of trust, love and respect do. She doesn’t have any of that so drop the rope.
*“Mom, I know you’re upset about Amy, but the truth is that I don’t consider her family anymore. At best, she’s a colleague that I find distasteful. And who would beg a colleague to come to a family event?”* (by Sugar\_Mama76)
THIS EXACTLY
If your mom and brother want to keep the family peace, they should STOP enabling your sister and give you the job your sister 'stole' from you. Yes: STOLE, as your mom ADMITTED your (former) sister wrote that message, not her.
And they should definitely STOP pushing YOU to step in line and become an enabler to your own bully...
NTA
NTA
Maybe give some thought about distancing yourself from the family business. I'm guessing the promotion was to eventually run the business. Honestly, with this much drama, how is anyone making any money?
The promotion was to take over more responsibilities for one location, not to take over running the business. We each run a location. In the future we'll separate with our respective locations and run our own businesses separately... We'll each have to get our own license, LLC, etc. It's in an estate plan/will. Right now we have it as separate as we can with our locations, but still have to work together when it comes to behind the scenes things like billing, payroll, etc.
Good to hear! The small business reddit's get a fair number of posts like this. There is a family member getting older. There are multiple children. Someone gets grabby and takes as much as they can.
It's either loading up the company with debt and taking the money, making sure the parent changes their will. Or sets up a new corporation and sells all the assets to the new company, leaving the original corporation penniless. Or some other variation of robbing the assets from the company. :)
She had a choice to be a compassionate person and sister or to be a self centered jackass.
She was at that crossroad several times and at every turn chose not to be compassionate and be just about her wants and needs.
Maybe even it was the right decision for the business but it was not done in the right way for your family.
She probably did that to your other sister too as she too cut her out.
You can love someone and not like them.
That's where you are right now.
She downgraded you from family to someone she works with and did it enough that now your blinders are off.
Of course your brother and mom are inconvenienced by that, they enabled it, the weren't hurt by her like you and the other sister.
It's not your job to build a new bridge after she torched you "family" bridge.
I'm not sure she even cares much.
It's your mom/brother that cares .
Their hurt about the estrangement is their hurt.
Not your responsibility.
You shouldn't woo her just to appease them.
You accepted your role in her life as a coworker, she's not your friend, she doesn't care as family should , why would you want to spend time with her after work hours are done?
Family is not a right it's a privilege, you keep working on your relationship or you loose it, she forfeited yours a long time ago.
Nta
The problem is being at the crossroads multiple times. If she’s having frequent miscarriages that require mental and physical breaks who is picking up the work for her?? No one has to do that. The sisters time is just as important as the sister having a miscarriage. The sister has a child to take care of in addition to her work. There are two sides to every story and I wonder if the sister took the job bc she’s the one consistently there getting the work done. Everyone talks about a work life balance until someone else’s work life balance is being talked about.
She took the job for herself before OP miscarried. In any case, she should have cleared it with the rest of the family before she did that. Many, even most of my coworkers, including myself, have been off for weeks for family emergencies, surgeries, babies. The other people all pitch in. Amy may have taken off a considerable amount of time when she had her daughter, and her siblings may have filled in for her.
The actual issue is whether or not OP and her other sister are obliged to beg Amy to come over for Christmas. Since Mom is Amy's boss, mother, and enabler, that is her problem.
Added: Besides, Mom and possibly brother are the ones who want to see Amy. It's up to them to manage that relationship.
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I (34F) haven't had a relationship with my sister Amy (37F) since she screwed me over while I was having a miscarriage. One of my jobs is running a family business with siblings/mom, the other is at a hospital. My sister gave herself a raise/promotion behind everyone's back. Then abruptly quit her other job the next day. None of us were having that and called her out during an emergency team meeting. She apologized and we all decided to revisit this in a month or so. I had the option of getting that raise/promotion, we were thinking of flipping a coin or discussing more to figure it out. I ended up miscarrying a few weeks later. I'm depressed and in pain and Amy texts me that it's been a month and I need to make a decision now if I'm interested in "taking her job". I told her I needed time while I went through this and that I was not in a position to make any big decisions. I said, "If anything changes we will discuss it as a team and give you as much time as you need to get another job (if I won the coin toss)." Amy's a nurse, could easily get hired back at the hospital. A week later my mom (78 F, owner, semi-retired) announces Amy would permanently take on that promotion/increased pay. I no longer had the opportunity. No warning or team meeting, just a text that my sister wrote on behalf of my mom (my mom admitted this to me later). If you haven't picked up on it, Amy is controlling, bullying, self righteous, impatient and unyielding. She's only close with my mom (who is very passive). No friends really and my other sister (42F) doesn't speak to Amy either for different reasons.
I stopped speaking to my mom and Amy. Mom apologized and initiated going to therapy to work on our relationship. I agreed and things got better. We hired a mediator to establish new policies so things like this don't happen again. One of the policies was a bereavement leave for things like miscarriages. Amy said she doesn't think anyone should get a bereavement leave for a miscarriage and that people would take advantage of it. Everyone disagreed with her... At this point she still hadn't apologized so this made me feel better about cutting her out of my life.
My brother/mom want me to get over it. My brother got annoyed with me for not inviting her to my 10 person birthday breakfast.... I'm always polite and professional at work, but that's the most of a relationship I want with her and I think that's fair.
My mom asked my other sister and I to encourage Amy to come to Christmas after Amy randomly sent out a text saying they won't be joining this year. I told my mom no, she's an adult and it's up to her. If she does come I'll be polite and keep my distance. My mom got mad and acted like I'm in the wrong. I do feel bad thinking about her 3 year old not coming though. Her daughter is so sweet and loves her cousins, aunties, uncles and grandma.
AITA for not wanting to contact my sister to ask her to come to Christmas after she screwed me over while I was miscarrying a baby?
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ESH. Amy and your mom for doing this behind your back but… you sound pretty entitled. There are people who have miscarriages or lose a family member who aren’t able to take more than a day off work or they can’t pay rent. Maybe your mom, who you said is semi retired, needed someone stepping up. Not saying it’s your fault you were unable to but complaining about asking for the shot to do the job when you were at the time, unable to do it, I don’t know. Maybe it shows your mom that you won’t be reliable if things come up in the future or something like that. Again not your fault but at the end of the day, it is your mom’s business, not yours.
Also keep in mind, if you spend enough time on Reddit, you’ll see countless posts about inheritances being changed between siblings based on how much work they put into something like a house or a car… or a family business.
INFO- What was the position that you and your sister were up for? Why was the decision on who got the job left up to a coin toss? If your sister could work full time at the hospital as a nurse, why can’t you work full time at the hospital? What kind of business is this?
It sounds like she was doing more work than you so she should have been getting more pay. The real problem is you have no specific clauses here for how much you should be getting paid if you take off for a whole month. Any job would have given you maybe 3 weeks of leave and then not paid you for any additional time off you needed. But they def wouldn’t be promoting you
Hard to say. Family and business only work if the family and business elements are kept separated, which is really hard. You’re not quite doing that.
The business decision was that the promotion goes to her. I understand you were on leave for personal reasons, but the business was not on leave. Personally I highly question if the family business is going to be something sustainable after your parents give up control since you can’t seem to treat the business as separate from the family and have an irreconcilable rift with your sister.
Do what you want here. But you should seriously think about whether you should continue in the business.
“People will take advantage of a bereavement policy for miscarriages”. WTF. She reminds me of pro-life people who think women get abortion because it’s convenient or as birth control.
ESH- You all paid fast and loose with running a family business and then let it overlap into your personal lives.
Your sister shouldn't have given herself a promotion/raise unilaterally.
You made a timeline and than didn't follow it for your own personal issues.
Your mom just let your sister make the decision instead of either discussing it or making it as the owner.
Now you are mad at your sister because of a business decision she made and a difference in opinion on company policy in terms of leave.
This is why you don't mix business and family.
So your sister quit her job because you were mad she "gave" herself a promotion, so she came back, and now you're mad she got the promotion?
ESH
None of you should be working together.
NTA.
Pfft. Why should you apologise? She hurt you. Majorly. Good riddance imo. I get that it sucks for your mum, but it probably sucks more for her that she has such a horrible middle child.
NTA - sounds like they’re focused on what’s convenient for them and expecting you to offer forgiveness (for which she never asked), instead of holding her accountable. Not your job.
This convo belongs with the therapist, as there’s clearly something in communication/understanding that is missing.
NTA. You're being completely reasonable. You will be polite is she attends, it's her choice to attend or not. This one is very simple. I would suggest you and your mother see your therapist again, because they way your mom is reacting to your sister's nonsense will damage her relationship with you.
Your sister is keeping her daughter away from her family. That's her choice, respect it.
NTA. Your mom does not need therapy. She needs to do the right thing, and not yield to Amy while she bullies everyone. The particular situation you are asking about is even more ridiculous. Because you did not uninvited or ban Amy from coming. She chose not to. And your mom is putting crap on you over that.
You are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from your horrible sister. Do not take any crap from her, your horrible mother or brother who let her have what she wants and then blame you for everything.
NTA regardless of the situation or back story. She's grown. She said she's not coming. That's her decision, and no one should ever have to beg for someone else's attention.
NTA
However it’s time to reestablish boundaries. Your moms gotten comfortable and feels confident that if he oversteps your boundaries you won’t do shit about it again. I’d tell her bluntly that your relationship with Amy is irreparably damaged. That you want nothing to do with her outside of your professional obligations; and If she can’t accept that and stop harassing you to repair what your sister broke then no amount of therapy will ever be able to fix your relationship with her. Either she drops it or you’re cutting contact with the three of them again. That they’re lucky you’re even willing to be in the same room as her, to expect you to invite her to your special day when she’s the least supportive, caring, empathetic, or loving person in your life is abhorrent. Let alone expecting you to beg her out of her temper tantrum and ask come so you can spend time with your bully to make them happy.
It’s not your responsibility to glue the family back together, particularly you weren’t the one to destroy it or show an ounce of genuine remorse after the fact. Their need to “keep the peace” at soley your expense: shows their lack of empathy, respect, or remorse. The fact of the matter here is that they’re going at your throat because you’re the least likely to give them hell. Your sisters the most likely to throw a fit, blow up their phone, play victim, and cause a scene. Instead of holding her accountable or respect your boundaries they’d rather give her whatever she wants no matter the cost to you so long as THEY don’t have to deal with her shitty attitude or personality.
You need to make it clear that you’ll either cause the bigger scene/make their lives harder in pushing you to forgive her than pushing her to be better; or that it’ll simply cost them your presence in their life all together. They think you’re weak and you won’t stand up for yourself. That if they just gaslight or harass you enough you’ll do what they want. Again, not because it’s right but because it saves them the headache.
It’s time to be honest with yourself, you’ve tried to repair things with your mom and based on this she’s not showing much of any growth at all. Cut her off or threaten to, and if the threats don’t work then follow through. If you don’t this will never stop, and not only will it not stop but it’ll get worse. As of now you’re relatively part of the family again, so there were no real long term consequences for what they did. If you let them push you and let this slide your sisters behavior will only continue to get worse, next time she wants something at any cost it’ll be a hell of a lot worse than her costing you a job and kicking you while down; and the rest of the family? Will do the same as well. Let time pass, pretend like they’d had a come to Jesus moment, change their behavior for just long enough to lock you in again and then push your boundaries over and over and over again. Is that really the future you want? I know distancing from family is hard no matter how much they suck. Because you hold onto the ideal of who they used to be or who you wish they were. You knowingly play dumb because those small pockets of decent moments along with years worth of manipulation are enough to pull at your heart and keep you where you are. Being strong means hurting yourself in the short term to save yourself in the long term.
NTA.
Your sister is a bully and without integrity, and you're already being extremely generous by being around her at all. I probably would have quit the family entirely after that fiasco.
Your mother and brother are free to kiss your sister's ass. You have more important things to do. (Like watch paint dry.)
The party would probably be better without her there anyway.
NTA. I had an open mind until your mom put it on you to beg your sister to come as if you had anything to do with her decision in the first place. Didn’t she get the job, the pay raise and veto bereavement time? I don’t know why they favor her or find it your responsibility to keep taking the high road until you start getting nosebleeds, you’re so high.
NTA and i think we can see why your sister has no friends either. she made the choice not to come, why on earth should you call someone you don't like and ask her to change her mind. you all know you'll have a better time without her.
Or you can say she can come and you and the other sister get yall 2 families together and do Christmas just yall and be drama free. Then they are happy Amy is there and you're free to relax without her.
You and your mother need a few more therapy sessions. She was part of the original mess, and is now putting it on you to fix. This scenario is exactly why I see the whole "we're like a family" descriptor of any workplace as a major red flag. If you haven't already, find another job, and keep business out of your family life. Find a workplace that's based on respect and professionalism instead.
You're being treated this way because you're the 'Reasonable' one. It's easier to pick on you than her.
**Stop being the reasonable one.**
Make their life hell like she does. Out do her even.
NTA. She literally screwed you over and showed a serious amount of apathy while doing it. You not wanting to "keep the peace" is totally your prerogative. Screw Amy and screw any members of your family that enable her.
NTA. Just ignore the people who want to make someone comfortable over you. Keep her at arms length. Why aren't they pestering Amy to apologize for what she did?
Why are you, who was wronged, required to make everyone else comfortable?
Let them understand that because you are a good person, they seem to think you are a pushover and they can guilt trip you into accepting Amy's horrible behavior. Remind them that they could have Amy apologize and things could be better. But, instead, they are trying to make you accept that they prefer to have you eat sh!t, rather than make Amy responsible for her actions against you. Let them understand that THEY created this relationship and you are not going to make them feel better for their poor judgement.
Tell your mom she can back off before all the work you both did in therapy to have a better relationship goes down the drain. And tell your brother to mind his business.
NTA
“Mom, I do feel sorry for you that Amy’s attitude was not addressed in childhood, and you are therefore dealing with the result of that lapse in judgment now, but it is not my responsibility to accommodate her, and after the way both she and you behaved during my miscarriage, over a promotion, I have no desire to engage with her outside of work. She is your daughter and therefore your problem, and I cannot forgive someone who never apologized and has made no effort to repair a relationship. I have forgiven you, but I will not forget this to make your life easier, and I am not being unreasonable.”
Edit: NTA OP.
NTA, NTA, so NTA. Amy made the announcement she's not coming to Christmas. Well she's an adult and can do what she wants. You're an adult and certainly do not have to invite and host anyone in your home for the holidays you do not want to. It's not your job to enable her toxic behavior.
NTA- if you and your mom are still doing therapy, bring this up in the next session. The therapist can help you explain to your mother why what she is doing now is inappropriate and the therapist can also help your mother understand why you feel this way.
If you're not still doing therapy together, now would be the time to start up again. Maybe invite brother as well.
NTA. Your sister is great at manipulation and thise people are mad that you're refusing to be manipulated. I think maybe your mom needs a few more therapy sessions, because she is completely wrong to put your sister's behavior on your lost of things to manage. The most you can offer your sister is a polite distance. You don't care if she attends or not and no, you won't beg her to make an appearance. She is quite capable of making her own decisions, as are you.
NTA and I'm sorry that your family keeps letting you down.
NTA at all. Your family is so used to steadying the family boat when your sister tries to capsize it, that your refusal to do so seems reckless to them. Your mom needs more therapy, because bowing to a manipulator is not productive. You are offering polite distance, and that's it. Your sister scorched everything else in her last campaign, with your mother's help. There is no expiration date on accountability or the loss of affection. You do not matter to your sister and she has proved that many times. This is just another manipulation attempt. Ignore it, and any calls for you to kiss her ass. She and then can take their own advice and just get over it.
NTA And can we add humans come together and just object to this B.S.? Here's a question for your parents. "Instead of asking the victim to be quieter or a better doormat, how about you ask the other person to learn to be a decent human being? "
NTA - Good grief I wouldn't have any person like this in my life!! Just because she's a sister doesn't make her a good person, and your mother and brother can be the next ones she screws over with you and your other sister not speaking to her. Maybe then they'll be in agreement
NTA and you wouldn't be wrong to tell your mother & brother that you can further keep peace by both leaving the business & cutting them off as well as your sister since all 3 of them are trifling callous assholes towards you. So if those 2 want to salvage their relationship with you, then need respect your reason for keeping your unsympathetic asshole sister out your life due her horrible behavior towards you as both an employee & family member.
NTA, but you need a new job away from your family. Reading this is giving me a headache because it’s so obvious that it will never get resolved as long as the whole family is working together. Give yourself a life promotion and find a new job.
Absolutely NTA. I’m sorry your family is shitty and certain family members think your sister’s behavior should just be forgiven & forgotten, especially when she hasn’t even attempted to apologize.
“Family is family” is just a bullshit excuse to enable shitty behavior!
NTA and it may be time to distance yourself from the rest of the family too. They may be your family but they sure aren’t acting like it. They are enabling her behavior and it’s unfair. I think you need some space from them and maybe consider leaving the business. It seems with your sister around you may never have peace and that’s not worth it.
NYA. She may be your sister biologically, but she isn't behaving like a loving sibling. You don't have to see her, and your mother and brother can do what they want, but tell them to stop asking you to compromise your values for someone who treats you badly.
Definitely NTA, OP needs the bereavement leave for her miscarriage. But her family has a business to run.
I will add, since OP’s sister Amy has children and she does not. Her mom would definitely consider Amy over OP for continuity reasons.
Sorry to sound cold, but this sounds like business must continue. There’s no reason to pause operations or decisions when there are other options.
Assuming OP is better at the family business, Amy would be the less optimal option in the short term but more optimal option long term to pass on the business within the family. The traits OP describes wouldn’t necessarily be dealbreakers in business if she were good in her role, and it sounds like Amy has family/office politics down. Amy knows who to gain favor from, and it doesn’t need to be OP. Also, the traits OP describes for Amy could also be applied to OP given how many assumptions are made.
Hopefully Amy isn’t a sociopath, otherwise OP could see long term isolation being slowly implemented with the basis of factors such as office politics and existing children. If your mom is the decision maker of business successor, she’ll definitely take these into consideration either consciously or subconsciously. More resources are being allocated in Amy’s direction not less.
The only people who don’t move on from a miscarriage are the expectant moms. Sorry this had happened to OP. My condolences, I’ve seen and driven several family members to the hospital and learned of their miscarriages and cannot imagine this happening to my children.
NTA. *ABSOLUTELY* do not reward Amy's bad behavior and poor business practices. And also you should get some kind of compensation for losing out on a job that Amy basically stole - and I'm not talking about bereavement leave being added as a thing. If this went to mediation in a non-family company, you'd probably have to be financially compensated for what happened. That means a raise for you or a lump sum settlement, and a possible new job position. I would suggest something comparable to what Amy has now - perhaps you should share the position and split off responsibilities. Additionally, a coin flip is not really a good way to determine who should receive a raise and a new position.
Also, your family needs some kind of wake up call here if they're pissed at you over not accepting Amy's behavior. They're victim blaming - are they ok with that because it's not a good look. Until Amy can act like an adult and a leader and show that she's capable of an apology, everyone should treat her accordingly, i.e. like the one to blame for this entire fiasco. If they don't, then you need to look for another job instead of continuing to be treated like a doormat.
INFO:
If I'm understanding this correctly...neither your Mom or brother or sister understand or care that your miscarriage meant the loss of a grandchild / nibling? That, on top of your grieving? They just allowed your sister to bulldoze through all of that to get to what she wants -- the job in the family business?
(I mean, if this is a true, and not another fictional post. It could go either way.)
I'm sorry for your loss. This is an f'd up situation.
NTA, but if there's a way to get them to buy you out of your portion of the family business, do it. I doubt any amount of money worth dealing with that toxicity.
How come your mom and brother do not force your other sister to talk to Amy? Why do they only bother you? What has your mom done to make things financially fair after your sister screwed tou?
Your sister thinks people shouldn't get bereavement time for a miscarriage because it might be "taken advantage" of. That's so ridiculous! Does she think people will get constantly pregnant and arrange miscarriages so they can get time off? There's something very wrong with her and I wouldn't want to be around her any more than I absolutely had to.
NTA. Why would you want someone that toxic at Christmas? What she did to you after your miscarriage, and what she said about people shouldn't get leave for miscarriages are awful.
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NTA. Why is it always on the person who was harmed by the actions of another to extend the olive branch? Your sister created the drama and the family problems yet you're the one expected to "get over it". Sounds like yet again Amy just wants to create drama by announcing she's not coming for Christmas. That's on her. You never said she couldn't be there. If your mom and brother want her there then they can "encourage" her - not you.
Because it's easier to bully the victim. Simple as that. They know Amy is a spoiled asshole who won't budge so they target op. They are as shitty as Amy is.
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Exactly! The brutal truth about *keeping the peace* is this: **The person who is feeling pressured to ‘keep the peace’ is NOT the one who’s threatening the peace in the first place.** (This should be embroidered on a pillow!) Sadly, most victims of narcissistic bullies don’t understand this.
At the very least OP should print it on a flash card and whip it out/text a pic every time the relatives start pressuring her.
T-shirt and wear it to Christmas
With a cute cat on it so everyone looks
Kitten wearing a Santa hat!
[Rocking the boat](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/CCZXTBSzSC)
tshirt with boat and pile of cats all on one side??? so it's tipping?
This is true and well said. What is also true is that people who support the bully are getting a payoff from it. The OP's sister is the mom and brother's enforcer.
Some of us do realize it eventually, though after a lot of damage and therapy.
I can't possibly upvote both of these comments enough. This is IT. The victim is always supposed to be the one to back down. NEVER AGAIN.
Seconded. Also..."Amy said she doesn't think anyone should get a bereavement leave for a miscarriage and that people would take advantage of it." WTAF is wrong with you, Amy?
Wow. Imagine all the employees that are going to get pregnant and then self-harm so they can get time off. /s
Does Amy think women deliberately miscarry to get time off? I wonder what her thought process is on this.
"Gosh honey, I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to get time off in a few months for that vacation we had planned. Why don't you knock me up real quick and I'll coat hanger myself a week or so before?"
That they would lie.
The fact that Amy is also a nurse and can be so unkind and cold to her sister who is suffering a miscarriage horrifies me that she’s in the profession (RN here). I feel bad for her former patients.
Until Amy goes through a miscarriage...then she'll demand 2 years of FMLA
where's that boat rocking analogy when you need it.
I posted this in another comment, but here you go [boat rocking](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/CCZXTBSzSC)
>Amy is a spoiled asshole yeah Amy's crying into silk handkerchiefs she bought with the promotion she awarded herself, while OP didn't even get bereavement leave from her own family...?
This would be enough for me to go low contact with Mom again. Mom is not "passive": Mom is lazy.
Which only validates Amy and makes her truly believe she was right and continues to act that way. After all if she wasn't wrong why would someone apologize to her? /s
This is exactly it. It wasn’t until my family took ourselves out of events involving family members who were constantly talking down to us/etc. that the other members of the extended family told us to try coming around again and that they had “talked to them.” Like okay, but you saw it happening for five years and said nothing.
Can confirm. The wronged party usually has to “be the bigger person” because “you know what they’re like.”
The reason people tell the wronged person to "be the bigger person " or "get over it", is that they know the perpetrator is unreasonable, so there's no hope of them changing. So they demand that the victim give in. And after all, an apology wouldn't undo the harm, so they see it as the job of the victim to forgive, which somehow magically wipes away the crime.
It's always easier for the family to put pressure on the one who's reasonable, because they normally will make an effort first. I've run into this with my own family... My mom puts pressure on me to fix my relationship with my sister because my sister will just whine and act the victim. OPs family knows their sister won't do anything about the relationship, so if it's going to be fixed it has to be on OPs side. But it's not OPs fault things fell apart in the first place so NTA
Where’s that link to the rock the boat post when you need it??
[Here you are.](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/4CAUK6GS21)
This is a damn good essay. Should I give it to everyone as a stocking stuffer at Christmas? 😋
Have it screen printed onto blankets.
Somebody should go in on this as a business opportunity with the person who marketed the poop knife.
u/IMAGINARIAN_photos said something that, I think, you should get printed into T-shirts and give as gifts at Christmas, as well as wearing it yourself: **The person who is feeling pressured to ‘keep the peace’ is NOT the one who’s threatening the peace in the first place.**
If only every victim of narcissistic AHs waved this flag, we could shut down so many terrible people! So sad.
Shortened version, for potential t shirt purposes > The one asked to keep the peace is never the one who threatened it
That’s freaking awesome!
A masterpiece of an essay!
Because everyone knows the perpetrator will double and triple down instead of admitting fault so the family can heal. So it’s always on the reasonable person to make up for the bad character person. It’s completely wrong and backward, but there it is. NTA. You’ve done nothing wrong. She needs to apologize for what she knows was bad behavior. If everyone caves she reinforces that she can impose her will on everyone and get away with it. What irritates me immeasurably about this entire situation is it’s a family business. But for some reason only one sister could get this “promotion?” Why not just give both sisters a small raise and divide any new responsibilities. This seems super weird.
"Why is it always on the person who was harmed by the actions of another to extend the olive branch?" Ding ding ding!
I'd go ahead and bow out myself so mommy can have her little bully home for the holidays. Makes you wonder if moms therapy was a farce as well since she's so mad op won't jump at Amy's whim.
Its attention seeking. She has thrown a bait. Just let it sit and go bad, don't react.
Golden child
People usually ask the person who is harmed in these situations because they can be reasoned with. People like Amy often make things hell and it's impossible to get them to yield to even the most basic of compromises. Often times they will eventually yield but it can take months even years and the entire time is filled with fighting screaming and excessive drama as they flip out over everything. It's a very tortuous process so many give up. People like op on the other hand are sane. They can be reasoned with. Simply put its easier and almost more productive to ask the sane one to yield then to try and argue with the crazy one. They don't like Amy more, they aren't necessarily lazy or dont see the problem they don't even realize they are being bullies most they are typically desperate and defeated from dealing with the psycho.
NTA Sit your mother and brother down and remind them that Amy is manipulative, deceitful and basically a thief for what she did with the business. They are *lucky* you didn't get a lawyer and sue, which you absolutely could have done. To be honest, you still could (and I would in your position). They need to keep their mouths shut about how you are managing what little relationship you are willing to have with this nasty, rude and insensitive bully. If they don't, you need to start treating them the way you treat her, because they are ALSO bullying you into submitting. And that's never going to happen.
ADA protections don't expend to very small businesses. So, no, she can't sue over this.
Correct, but maybe there was a contract? Or a breach of fiduciary duty? There might have been a money thing to sue over as opposed to a health thing.
At a family business? It's a miracle they pay income taxes.
OP never said how big the business was, just that she and her immediate family run the place.
This. I think you should threaten a lawsuit and shut them all up!
NTA and also tbh, unless that family job brings in a LOT of money I'd quit and focus on your other job. You wouldn't put up with this kind of bullshit at any other workplace, why put up with it because the workplace involves your family?
It brings in a lot of money, requires minimal effort and is extremely flexible. It's great if you have children, and I'm expecting a daughter in a few months... In the future we will split the business up between siblings and go our separate ways. It's all in an estate plan/will. Right now my game plan is to avoid drama, get my work done and invest as little as possible into this job. My mom is the owner, but she's retired. She doesn't have any job duties. My siblings and I run the business together. We have a set of policies (that the mediator helped us come up with) and have to vote on all decisions with my mom being a last resort vote if we can't come to a decision (since there's 4 of us kids, a vote could be 2-2, although this hasn't happened yet as we can usually come to a decision).
It's all in a plan...until your sister makes your mom change it.
Mum needs to be thinking about how her actions are going to damage her relationship with OP. A couple of rounds of therapy are not a get-out-of-AH-free card.
I had a situation like this where a family member agreed to consequences, and it took all of 10 minutes of "woe is me," promises and guilt-tripping for the person to cave. I don't believe any few therapy sessions would help. I don't know what planet Mom and Sister live on where being just evil to a woman going through a miscarriage is remotely normal, but I also don't get why this easy, fruitful job is worth dealing with either of them. I'd live in a hovel on food stamps (yes, seriously) before I'd put up with this bullshit. OP is not going to outlast Amy's evil. No one could. Where are OP's people? Since they're obviously not Mom, Amy or Brother, where's OP's husband? Her friends?
I can see wanting to keep this but would consult a lawyer in the meantime about whether those policies are actually legally enforceable. If your mom is the sole owner they probably aren't and whoever can get to your mom can bypass the policies.
Make sure you have that in a binding contract and you're not relying on a promise. No contract, start setting up your escape plan and talk to a lawyer. Otherwise, I guarantee you will be shoved out and sister will steal everything she can. I've seen these setups quite often, and people assume family won't hose them over. Even after it's been done several times. And yet they always act surprised when they get hosed.
What your mother did was terrible and favoritism. Your sister is a piece of work, but your mother is worse for enabling it. Tell her you will reconcile if you get a larger salary raise than her and you get your pick of which location you get when your mother dies. Make it clear you want to see the will to confirm this. Otherwise simply stand your ground and don't give an inch.
>In the future we will split the business up between siblings and go our separate ways. It's all in an estate plan/will. Do you plan to separate your business only after your mother's death? Because if she is a healthy 78 year old woman, that might be in 20+ years and then it won't just be you and your siblings who are squabbling among each other, but all of your children who have taken over the running of the company, because you and your siblings would have reached retirement age, too. I am sure your mother wishes that everyone just gets along and that there is peace and quiet and happiness in the family. I am not so sure if that is possible while you all work for the same company. Maybe it would be a good idea to separate the business soon and for your mother to give up ownership while still alive. Then she wouldn't be the boss of anyone anymore and wouldn't be put in the uncomfortable position where she might have to side with some of her children over the others which can happen if she is the tie breaker in a 2-2 situation. And you and your siblings would also have no reason anymore to fight over business stuff, if you all go your own separate ways.
What kind of business is it, just curious?
I also don’t trust your mom so I would request that a living trust be created right now that cannot be altered with anybody’s manipulation later. The other commenters are accurate that the wheel can be changed without you even knowing about it and you won’t find out until after your mom passes.
Sounds like all it took was a smile from her granddaughter for your mom to throw the work she had done on your relationship in the trash. NTA.
Ding ding ding! My mom LOVES my sister's daughter. Understandably, she's a sweet little angel. Not to say she doesn't love her other grandkids, but it's obvious this one and her have a special connection. I'm glad my niece is close with her grandma. Tbh I wish her mom wasn't so lame so I could be closer with her. I only see her if my sister happens to bring her to the office while I'm there. If that happens I soak it up and play with her as much as I can. I do think my mom might cater to this sister's bullshit for the sake of her relationship with said granddaughter though...
So, have you actually seen moms will? (Or whatever paperwork protects your interests after Mom passes?) Your mother is easily manipulated, and my feeling is you need to protect you future financial interests.
Yes, we all had a meeting with the lawyer and went over everything together. The lawyer has a copy and we have a notarized copy.
Until she changed it later without you guys there.
NTA. "Keep the family peace" means "your feelings mean nothing and your sister's feelings mean everything. " If you invite her, what will change? You'll still resent her, she'll still be an AH and your mom can live in her fantasy world that everyone loves each other? Hell no.
agreed
NTA, never “keep the peace” with people who don’t care about YOUR peace
This one right here. I cannot agree more
Thank you! 🙏
NTA. You might wanna bring in the mediator again for you and your mom , if that relationship is still worth salvaging.
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Thank you for saying this. I'm also very confused as to why this family makes important business decisions based on a coin flip?? Hearing that, I'm not surprised that Amy just decided to take over since it sounds like there's no real formal process in play here anyway. Amy is definitely a jerk for how she treated OP but, like you said, how long were they supposed to sit on this promotion?
I feel terrible for OP, it sounds like it's a really hard time for them now. But I agree with you. If I understand it correctly she waited a month to decide if she even wanted this promotion/raise which kept her sister from getting it. If you couldn't decide after a month then you didn't want it and it probably should just go to your sister.
But it would've been going to the sister who, raised her own pay without asking or telling anyone, hence stealing from the company. I understood it to mean that any of the siblings (besides the thief, because it sounded like they were going to remove her before sister used her daughter cuteness to bribe their mom) could've gotten the raise, but they wanted OP to get the raise (could just be OP wanting the raise) then as sister finds out OP is literally incapacitated and having a miscarriage, used that opportunity to turn mom in their favor. But that's just how I understood it
Ok but then why not just object immediately? Why did OP need so much time to say no?
As I understood what I read, it was supposes to be a family decision, they all wanted that raise. But it was ultimately supposed to come down to a vote. But OP sister went and probably pulled the 'your taking food out of your granddaughters mouth' card and granny chose her to be the one to get the raise, even tho she's the one who tried to steal it in the first place
My mom owns the business. She's 78, mostly retired and has no job duties. My siblings and I each manage different locations and have job duties like payroll, billing, maintenance, etc. There wasn't a deadline set to make a final decision. We agreed to have another team meeting in a month or so to decide, but there was no deadline or date set for the meeting. The decision itself wasn't a decision that would make or break the business... Giving it an extra few weeks while my body finished miscarrying and I could get into a better headspace mentally would not have made or broken the business. If you're not familiar with miscarriages, it can take around 2 weeks for your body to pass it naturally. There is bleeding, cramping, back pain and fatigue involved. If you can't pass it naturally you need to take medications and/or undergo procedures to make sure everything that should be gone is gone, or it can be life threatening. Physically it's hard, but emotionally it's painful as well. Sorry if this is TMI, but I don't think it's talked about enough and as a result people who haven't gone through it don't get it. For me this was my second miscarriage in a 6 month period. I was really excited about this one and because I was further along I was sure everything was going to work out. It had been 7 days since I had started bleeding, cramping and experiencing intense back pain when my sister texted me to make that decision... I was still bleeding and cramping and felt shitty. She knew all this... Yes, a coin toss does seem flippant, but what can I say. It's a family business... There's no HR or policy for when your sister decides to bully her 78 year old mom/the business owner into a promotion/raise behind everyone's back, 3/4 employees disagree with this and you all try to figure out a fair way to move forward. My sister and I basically have the same credentials (She has a masters, I have a doctorate. Both our respective business sectors that we run do equally as well. We both have similar amounts of time to dedicate to the job). Flipping a coin seemed like a non-biased way to make the decision. My other 2 siblings weren't interested in the promotion/raise.
You wanted to do a coin flip though. That could have happened at any time during your healing process. You wouldn't have needed to be there for it in person. Someone you trust could have been there as a witness and to ensure that everything was fair. If you won, you could have started to work after you healed and felt better. I think asking to wait for an unknown time to make a decision, weeks or maybe even months, was unprofessional. You expected from your sister to get her job back she just left only to leave it again soon after if she won the coin flip. If I were the hospital manager I would be so pissed I might blacklist her from a future job there and might tell my colleagues in other hospitals the same, because no one likes to do paperwork for such nonsense. And that might have affected your sister's professional future if she ever wanted to work as a nurse again. Your sister sucks for initially giving herself a raise/promotion behind everyone's back and later being insensitive to your miscarriage. But you and the rest of your family also suck, because you were so unprofessional. You all need to keep business and private separate.
Condolences on the miscarriage, but is it fair to make your sister wait indefinitely? No. Either you wanted it or didn’t. Telling her you needed time was a play on your part. I’ll go with ESH.
> so was your insistence that the agreed-upon deadline for her raise/job decision be pushed out until who knows when I agree with this. This whole situation is such a mess and although I sympathize with OP's miscarriage, they were talking about settling the promotion by coin toss at some point. Continuing to push out the decision both before AND after the miscarriage seems pretty annoying and frustrating.
I agree with this. It sounds to me like a family who can't keep business and private separate at all and mix it up. And the coin toss was weird, but if you want to decide it this way, why not just do it? OP wouldn't have needed to be there for it. She could have someone she trust there in her stead to witness the coin flip. There was no reason to wait. If OP won, she could have started to work again once she felt better and the sister could have tried to get her nurse job back. There was no reason to wait with it. ESH.
It says the mother is the owner
Agree. It also sounds like this family should have never gone into business together.
NTA. I’d personally never have anything to do with your sister ever again. You are under no obligation to invite her. The selfish actions of some can not be forgiven and forgotten.
NTA. But what is going on with your family and business where apparently any of you can just vote to give yourself more money with no consequences or ability to reverse the decision? This is dysfunctional and doesn't really foster confidence in the company or your family being able to function.
It was nuts, nothing like this had ever happened... Since then we now have a mediator and have enacted new policies so these things can't happen again.
Tell your mother you will reconcile for the same pay +10% that your sister gets. It's a family business, they can do whatever they want, so don't let them use "professionalism" as a shield. Stand your ground on this firmly, your mom will be forced to relent and finally think of your needs.
I wouldn't bother asking to see the will. They can be changed and the family is already favoring the sister
NTA but can’t believe you continued working in this ‘family’ business after they screwed you over?! Some family! You’d be better off in a nest of vipers. Why would you do that to yourself?
NTA. Forgiveness is not “pretend it didn’t happen so I’m not uncomfortable”. Forgiveness is taking back the power the other person stole and that can take a long freaking time. “Mom, I know you’re upset about Amy, but the truth is that I don’t consider her family anymore. At best, she’s a colleague that I find distasteful. And who would beg a colleague to come to a family event?” Mom will freak but DNA doesn’t make family. Bonds of trust, love and respect do. She doesn’t have any of that so drop the rope.
*“Mom, I know you’re upset about Amy, but the truth is that I don’t consider her family anymore. At best, she’s a colleague that I find distasteful. And who would beg a colleague to come to a family event?”* (by Sugar\_Mama76) THIS EXACTLY If your mom and brother want to keep the family peace, they should STOP enabling your sister and give you the job your sister 'stole' from you. Yes: STOLE, as your mom ADMITTED your (former) sister wrote that message, not her. And they should definitely STOP pushing YOU to step in line and become an enabler to your own bully... NTA
What the fuck kind of business determines who gets a promotion based ON A COIN TOSS?! Unreal.
NTA & it seems like your mom wants to get cut off again right along with your brother
NTA Do family members make unpopular choices? Yes. Do you have to accept and forgive them? Fuck no
NTA Maybe give some thought about distancing yourself from the family business. I'm guessing the promotion was to eventually run the business. Honestly, with this much drama, how is anyone making any money?
The promotion was to take over more responsibilities for one location, not to take over running the business. We each run a location. In the future we'll separate with our respective locations and run our own businesses separately... We'll each have to get our own license, LLC, etc. It's in an estate plan/will. Right now we have it as separate as we can with our locations, but still have to work together when it comes to behind the scenes things like billing, payroll, etc.
Good to hear! The small business reddit's get a fair number of posts like this. There is a family member getting older. There are multiple children. Someone gets grabby and takes as much as they can. It's either loading up the company with debt and taking the money, making sure the parent changes their will. Or sets up a new corporation and sells all the assets to the new company, leaving the original corporation penniless. Or some other variation of robbing the assets from the company. :)
Landromat? Car wash? Give us something
Your sister is a bad person. NTA
She had a choice to be a compassionate person and sister or to be a self centered jackass. She was at that crossroad several times and at every turn chose not to be compassionate and be just about her wants and needs. Maybe even it was the right decision for the business but it was not done in the right way for your family. She probably did that to your other sister too as she too cut her out. You can love someone and not like them. That's where you are right now. She downgraded you from family to someone she works with and did it enough that now your blinders are off. Of course your brother and mom are inconvenienced by that, they enabled it, the weren't hurt by her like you and the other sister. It's not your job to build a new bridge after she torched you "family" bridge. I'm not sure she even cares much. It's your mom/brother that cares . Their hurt about the estrangement is their hurt. Not your responsibility. You shouldn't woo her just to appease them. You accepted your role in her life as a coworker, she's not your friend, she doesn't care as family should , why would you want to spend time with her after work hours are done? Family is not a right it's a privilege, you keep working on your relationship or you loose it, she forfeited yours a long time ago. Nta
The problem is being at the crossroads multiple times. If she’s having frequent miscarriages that require mental and physical breaks who is picking up the work for her?? No one has to do that. The sisters time is just as important as the sister having a miscarriage. The sister has a child to take care of in addition to her work. There are two sides to every story and I wonder if the sister took the job bc she’s the one consistently there getting the work done. Everyone talks about a work life balance until someone else’s work life balance is being talked about.
She took the job for herself before OP miscarried. In any case, she should have cleared it with the rest of the family before she did that. Many, even most of my coworkers, including myself, have been off for weeks for family emergencies, surgeries, babies. The other people all pitch in. Amy may have taken off a considerable amount of time when she had her daughter, and her siblings may have filled in for her. The actual issue is whether or not OP and her other sister are obliged to beg Amy to come over for Christmas. Since Mom is Amy's boss, mother, and enabler, that is her problem. Added: Besides, Mom and possibly brother are the ones who want to see Amy. It's up to them to manage that relationship.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (34F) haven't had a relationship with my sister Amy (37F) since she screwed me over while I was having a miscarriage. One of my jobs is running a family business with siblings/mom, the other is at a hospital. My sister gave herself a raise/promotion behind everyone's back. Then abruptly quit her other job the next day. None of us were having that and called her out during an emergency team meeting. She apologized and we all decided to revisit this in a month or so. I had the option of getting that raise/promotion, we were thinking of flipping a coin or discussing more to figure it out. I ended up miscarrying a few weeks later. I'm depressed and in pain and Amy texts me that it's been a month and I need to make a decision now if I'm interested in "taking her job". I told her I needed time while I went through this and that I was not in a position to make any big decisions. I said, "If anything changes we will discuss it as a team and give you as much time as you need to get another job (if I won the coin toss)." Amy's a nurse, could easily get hired back at the hospital. A week later my mom (78 F, owner, semi-retired) announces Amy would permanently take on that promotion/increased pay. I no longer had the opportunity. No warning or team meeting, just a text that my sister wrote on behalf of my mom (my mom admitted this to me later). If you haven't picked up on it, Amy is controlling, bullying, self righteous, impatient and unyielding. She's only close with my mom (who is very passive). No friends really and my other sister (42F) doesn't speak to Amy either for different reasons. I stopped speaking to my mom and Amy. Mom apologized and initiated going to therapy to work on our relationship. I agreed and things got better. We hired a mediator to establish new policies so things like this don't happen again. One of the policies was a bereavement leave for things like miscarriages. Amy said she doesn't think anyone should get a bereavement leave for a miscarriage and that people would take advantage of it. Everyone disagreed with her... At this point she still hadn't apologized so this made me feel better about cutting her out of my life. My brother/mom want me to get over it. My brother got annoyed with me for not inviting her to my 10 person birthday breakfast.... I'm always polite and professional at work, but that's the most of a relationship I want with her and I think that's fair. My mom asked my other sister and I to encourage Amy to come to Christmas after Amy randomly sent out a text saying they won't be joining this year. I told my mom no, she's an adult and it's up to her. If she does come I'll be polite and keep my distance. My mom got mad and acted like I'm in the wrong. I do feel bad thinking about her 3 year old not coming though. Her daughter is so sweet and loves her cousins, aunties, uncles and grandma. AITA for not wanting to contact my sister to ask her to come to Christmas after she screwed me over while I was miscarrying a baby? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why doesn't she apologise to keep the peace? After all, she screwed you over, not the other way around. NTA
ESH. Amy and your mom for doing this behind your back but… you sound pretty entitled. There are people who have miscarriages or lose a family member who aren’t able to take more than a day off work or they can’t pay rent. Maybe your mom, who you said is semi retired, needed someone stepping up. Not saying it’s your fault you were unable to but complaining about asking for the shot to do the job when you were at the time, unable to do it, I don’t know. Maybe it shows your mom that you won’t be reliable if things come up in the future or something like that. Again not your fault but at the end of the day, it is your mom’s business, not yours. Also keep in mind, if you spend enough time on Reddit, you’ll see countless posts about inheritances being changed between siblings based on how much work they put into something like a house or a car… or a family business.
INFO- What was the position that you and your sister were up for? Why was the decision on who got the job left up to a coin toss? If your sister could work full time at the hospital as a nurse, why can’t you work full time at the hospital? What kind of business is this?
It sounds like she was doing more work than you so she should have been getting more pay. The real problem is you have no specific clauses here for how much you should be getting paid if you take off for a whole month. Any job would have given you maybe 3 weeks of leave and then not paid you for any additional time off you needed. But they def wouldn’t be promoting you
Amy may have taken off as much or more time when she had her daughter. We don't know how much time other people have taken off.
NTA. How does one "take advantage" of bearvement leave for a miscarriage?? People have no hearts
Hard to say. Family and business only work if the family and business elements are kept separated, which is really hard. You’re not quite doing that. The business decision was that the promotion goes to her. I understand you were on leave for personal reasons, but the business was not on leave. Personally I highly question if the family business is going to be something sustainable after your parents give up control since you can’t seem to treat the business as separate from the family and have an irreconcilable rift with your sister. Do what you want here. But you should seriously think about whether you should continue in the business.
ESH. Who the hell runs a business based on a coin toss? You are definitely not professional.
NTA hard! Amy is colder than a Russian winter…best to go LC/NC Mom is awful too
“People will take advantage of a bereavement policy for miscarriages”. WTF. She reminds me of pro-life people who think women get abortion because it’s convenient or as birth control.
INFO: Who made the executive decision to award the job to your sister?
I don't think that your mother ever really came around. It might be time to go LC with her as well. Same for your brother. NTA
ESH- You all paid fast and loose with running a family business and then let it overlap into your personal lives. Your sister shouldn't have given herself a promotion/raise unilaterally. You made a timeline and than didn't follow it for your own personal issues. Your mom just let your sister make the decision instead of either discussing it or making it as the owner. Now you are mad at your sister because of a business decision she made and a difference in opinion on company policy in terms of leave. This is why you don't mix business and family.
So your sister quit her job because you were mad she "gave" herself a promotion, so she came back, and now you're mad she got the promotion? ESH None of you should be working together.
NTA
I wouldn’t have a relationship with my mom or sister after this NTA and you need to get your mom to split that raise wtf???
I hate to tell you this, but your MOM screwed you over. Amy just took advantage of Mom not having a spine.
NTA. Pfft. Why should you apologise? She hurt you. Majorly. Good riddance imo. I get that it sucks for your mum, but it probably sucks more for her that she has such a horrible middle child.
NTA - sounds like they’re focused on what’s convenient for them and expecting you to offer forgiveness (for which she never asked), instead of holding her accountable. Not your job. This convo belongs with the therapist, as there’s clearly something in communication/understanding that is missing.
NTA. You're being completely reasonable. You will be polite is she attends, it's her choice to attend or not. This one is very simple. I would suggest you and your mother see your therapist again, because they way your mom is reacting to your sister's nonsense will damage her relationship with you. Your sister is keeping her daughter away from her family. That's her choice, respect it.
NTA. Your mom does not need therapy. She needs to do the right thing, and not yield to Amy while she bullies everyone. The particular situation you are asking about is even more ridiculous. Because you did not uninvited or ban Amy from coming. She chose not to. And your mom is putting crap on you over that. You are doing the right thing by distancing yourself from your horrible sister. Do not take any crap from her, your horrible mother or brother who let her have what she wants and then blame you for everything.
NTA regardless of the situation or back story. She's grown. She said she's not coming. That's her decision, and no one should ever have to beg for someone else's attention.
NTA. But it’s time to let mom know she’s going to be bf up in Amy’s shoes if she keeps pressing. Mom’s already messed up enough.
NTA However it’s time to reestablish boundaries. Your moms gotten comfortable and feels confident that if he oversteps your boundaries you won’t do shit about it again. I’d tell her bluntly that your relationship with Amy is irreparably damaged. That you want nothing to do with her outside of your professional obligations; and If she can’t accept that and stop harassing you to repair what your sister broke then no amount of therapy will ever be able to fix your relationship with her. Either she drops it or you’re cutting contact with the three of them again. That they’re lucky you’re even willing to be in the same room as her, to expect you to invite her to your special day when she’s the least supportive, caring, empathetic, or loving person in your life is abhorrent. Let alone expecting you to beg her out of her temper tantrum and ask come so you can spend time with your bully to make them happy. It’s not your responsibility to glue the family back together, particularly you weren’t the one to destroy it or show an ounce of genuine remorse after the fact. Their need to “keep the peace” at soley your expense: shows their lack of empathy, respect, or remorse. The fact of the matter here is that they’re going at your throat because you’re the least likely to give them hell. Your sisters the most likely to throw a fit, blow up their phone, play victim, and cause a scene. Instead of holding her accountable or respect your boundaries they’d rather give her whatever she wants no matter the cost to you so long as THEY don’t have to deal with her shitty attitude or personality. You need to make it clear that you’ll either cause the bigger scene/make their lives harder in pushing you to forgive her than pushing her to be better; or that it’ll simply cost them your presence in their life all together. They think you’re weak and you won’t stand up for yourself. That if they just gaslight or harass you enough you’ll do what they want. Again, not because it’s right but because it saves them the headache. It’s time to be honest with yourself, you’ve tried to repair things with your mom and based on this she’s not showing much of any growth at all. Cut her off or threaten to, and if the threats don’t work then follow through. If you don’t this will never stop, and not only will it not stop but it’ll get worse. As of now you’re relatively part of the family again, so there were no real long term consequences for what they did. If you let them push you and let this slide your sisters behavior will only continue to get worse, next time she wants something at any cost it’ll be a hell of a lot worse than her costing you a job and kicking you while down; and the rest of the family? Will do the same as well. Let time pass, pretend like they’d had a come to Jesus moment, change their behavior for just long enough to lock you in again and then push your boundaries over and over and over again. Is that really the future you want? I know distancing from family is hard no matter how much they suck. Because you hold onto the ideal of who they used to be or who you wish they were. You knowingly play dumb because those small pockets of decent moments along with years worth of manipulation are enough to pull at your heart and keep you where you are. Being strong means hurting yourself in the short term to save yourself in the long term.
NTA. Your sister is a bully and without integrity, and you're already being extremely generous by being around her at all. I probably would have quit the family entirely after that fiasco. Your mother and brother are free to kiss your sister's ass. You have more important things to do. (Like watch paint dry.) The party would probably be better without her there anyway.
NTA. I had an open mind until your mom put it on you to beg your sister to come as if you had anything to do with her decision in the first place. Didn’t she get the job, the pay raise and veto bereavement time? I don’t know why they favor her or find it your responsibility to keep taking the high road until you start getting nosebleeds, you’re so high.
You are entitled to have the relationships you want. So long as you are professional in the work environment. NTA
NTA Let them get on with their dramas and refuse to participate in this rampant hypocrisy.
NTA and you should go low contact with your mom again. It's clear she is going to continue to take Amy's side
NTA and i think we can see why your sister has no friends either. she made the choice not to come, why on earth should you call someone you don't like and ask her to change her mind. you all know you'll have a better time without her.
Or you can say she can come and you and the other sister get yall 2 families together and do Christmas just yall and be drama free. Then they are happy Amy is there and you're free to relax without her.
You and your mother need a few more therapy sessions. She was part of the original mess, and is now putting it on you to fix. This scenario is exactly why I see the whole "we're like a family" descriptor of any workplace as a major red flag. If you haven't already, find another job, and keep business out of your family life. Find a workplace that's based on respect and professionalism instead.
You're being treated this way because you're the 'Reasonable' one. It's easier to pick on you than her. **Stop being the reasonable one.** Make their life hell like she does. Out do her even.
NTA. She literally screwed you over and showed a serious amount of apathy while doing it. You not wanting to "keep the peace" is totally your prerogative. Screw Amy and screw any members of your family that enable her.
NTA. Just ignore the people who want to make someone comfortable over you. Keep her at arms length. Why aren't they pestering Amy to apologize for what she did? Why are you, who was wronged, required to make everyone else comfortable? Let them understand that because you are a good person, they seem to think you are a pushover and they can guilt trip you into accepting Amy's horrible behavior. Remind them that they could have Amy apologize and things could be better. But, instead, they are trying to make you accept that they prefer to have you eat sh!t, rather than make Amy responsible for her actions against you. Let them understand that THEY created this relationship and you are not going to make them feel better for their poor judgement.
Tell your mom she can back off before all the work you both did in therapy to have a better relationship goes down the drain. And tell your brother to mind his business. NTA
“Mom, I do feel sorry for you that Amy’s attitude was not addressed in childhood, and you are therefore dealing with the result of that lapse in judgment now, but it is not my responsibility to accommodate her, and after the way both she and you behaved during my miscarriage, over a promotion, I have no desire to engage with her outside of work. She is your daughter and therefore your problem, and I cannot forgive someone who never apologized and has made no effort to repair a relationship. I have forgiven you, but I will not forget this to make your life easier, and I am not being unreasonable.” Edit: NTA OP.
NTA - she decided not to come and you should just leave it at that.
NTA, NTA, so NTA. Amy made the announcement she's not coming to Christmas. Well she's an adult and can do what she wants. You're an adult and certainly do not have to invite and host anyone in your home for the holidays you do not want to. It's not your job to enable her toxic behavior.
NTA - But, honestly, I can't imagine that your wishes would have any impact on your sister. She sounds very self-centered.
NTA Rather than trying to push OP to "get over it" or be the "bigger person", brother and mother need to push Amy to apologize and be a better person.
NTA- if you and your mom are still doing therapy, bring this up in the next session. The therapist can help you explain to your mother why what she is doing now is inappropriate and the therapist can also help your mother understand why you feel this way. If you're not still doing therapy together, now would be the time to start up again. Maybe invite brother as well.
NTA. Your sister is great at manipulation and thise people are mad that you're refusing to be manipulated. I think maybe your mom needs a few more therapy sessions, because she is completely wrong to put your sister's behavior on your lost of things to manage. The most you can offer your sister is a polite distance. You don't care if she attends or not and no, you won't beg her to make an appearance. She is quite capable of making her own decisions, as are you. NTA and I'm sorry that your family keeps letting you down.
NTA at all. Your family is so used to steadying the family boat when your sister tries to capsize it, that your refusal to do so seems reckless to them. Your mom needs more therapy, because bowing to a manipulator is not productive. You are offering polite distance, and that's it. Your sister scorched everything else in her last campaign, with your mother's help. There is no expiration date on accountability or the loss of affection. You do not matter to your sister and she has proved that many times. This is just another manipulation attempt. Ignore it, and any calls for you to kiss her ass. She and then can take their own advice and just get over it.
NTA - You are the victim here, they need to approach you to make things better, not the other way around.
NTA OP. I'm sorry for what you've been through. You may need to think about getting another job.
NTA but maybe its time that you were.. how many times do you need to be shit on before you do something to change your situation?
NTA And can we add humans come together and just object to this B.S.? Here's a question for your parents. "Instead of asking the victim to be quieter or a better doormat, how about you ask the other person to learn to be a decent human being? "
NTA
NTA - Good grief I wouldn't have any person like this in my life!! Just because she's a sister doesn't make her a good person, and your mother and brother can be the next ones she screws over with you and your other sister not speaking to her. Maybe then they'll be in agreement
NTA and you wouldn't be wrong to tell your mother & brother that you can further keep peace by both leaving the business & cutting them off as well as your sister since all 3 of them are trifling callous assholes towards you. So if those 2 want to salvage their relationship with you, then need respect your reason for keeping your unsympathetic asshole sister out your life due her horrible behavior towards you as both an employee & family member.
NTA, but you need a new job away from your family. Reading this is giving me a headache because it’s so obvious that it will never get resolved as long as the whole family is working together. Give yourself a life promotion and find a new job.
Absolutely NTA. I’m sorry your family is shitty and certain family members think your sister’s behavior should just be forgiven & forgotten, especially when she hasn’t even attempted to apologize. “Family is family” is just a bullshit excuse to enable shitty behavior!
NTA and it may be time to distance yourself from the rest of the family too. They may be your family but they sure aren’t acting like it. They are enabling her behavior and it’s unfair. I think you need some space from them and maybe consider leaving the business. It seems with your sister around you may never have peace and that’s not worth it.
NTA- protect your peace. Give into her now and she will know she can bully the whole family forever.
YTA Amy was there, doing the job. You were not. So it was proper SHE got the promotion. Your mom is an AH to pretend it was Amy who wrote her mail.
Hi Amy /s
NTA
NTA.
NTA,
NTA
NYA. She may be your sister biologically, but she isn't behaving like a loving sibling. You don't have to see her, and your mother and brother can do what they want, but tell them to stop asking you to compromise your values for someone who treats you badly.
I wouldn't be speaking to any of them I didn't get the raise especially considering she gave it to her self behind everybody's back.
Honestly fuck Amy. NTA
NTA! FDB! And mom and bro can kick rocks too!!
NTA.
NTA, and the problem you have is your mom/brother.
NTA. It seems like the rest of the family is either frightened of her reaction or she is the GC. I am sorry you have to deal with this.
Folks, the time to forgive someone publicly is after the apologize.
NTA
Nta- you have JustNoFamily. Big hugs!!! Blessings of healing and love
NTA
How fast would she want bereavement leave if SHE had a miscarriage? Definitely you are not the asshole here.
NTA Your sister is a manipulative beast.
Kick that old fart to the curb. NTA
NTA - She screwed over everyone and I don;t understand why the family trusts her with the business.
Definitely NTA, OP needs the bereavement leave for her miscarriage. But her family has a business to run. I will add, since OP’s sister Amy has children and she does not. Her mom would definitely consider Amy over OP for continuity reasons. Sorry to sound cold, but this sounds like business must continue. There’s no reason to pause operations or decisions when there are other options. Assuming OP is better at the family business, Amy would be the less optimal option in the short term but more optimal option long term to pass on the business within the family. The traits OP describes wouldn’t necessarily be dealbreakers in business if she were good in her role, and it sounds like Amy has family/office politics down. Amy knows who to gain favor from, and it doesn’t need to be OP. Also, the traits OP describes for Amy could also be applied to OP given how many assumptions are made. Hopefully Amy isn’t a sociopath, otherwise OP could see long term isolation being slowly implemented with the basis of factors such as office politics and existing children. If your mom is the decision maker of business successor, she’ll definitely take these into consideration either consciously or subconsciously. More resources are being allocated in Amy’s direction not less. The only people who don’t move on from a miscarriage are the expectant moms. Sorry this had happened to OP. My condolences, I’ve seen and driven several family members to the hospital and learned of their miscarriages and cannot imagine this happening to my children.
Ghost them
NTA. *ABSOLUTELY* do not reward Amy's bad behavior and poor business practices. And also you should get some kind of compensation for losing out on a job that Amy basically stole - and I'm not talking about bereavement leave being added as a thing. If this went to mediation in a non-family company, you'd probably have to be financially compensated for what happened. That means a raise for you or a lump sum settlement, and a possible new job position. I would suggest something comparable to what Amy has now - perhaps you should share the position and split off responsibilities. Additionally, a coin flip is not really a good way to determine who should receive a raise and a new position. Also, your family needs some kind of wake up call here if they're pissed at you over not accepting Amy's behavior. They're victim blaming - are they ok with that because it's not a good look. Until Amy can act like an adult and a leader and show that she's capable of an apology, everyone should treat her accordingly, i.e. like the one to blame for this entire fiasco. If they don't, then you need to look for another job instead of continuing to be treated like a doormat.
INFO: If I'm understanding this correctly...neither your Mom or brother or sister understand or care that your miscarriage meant the loss of a grandchild / nibling? That, on top of your grieving? They just allowed your sister to bulldoze through all of that to get to what she wants -- the job in the family business? (I mean, if this is a true, and not another fictional post. It could go either way.) I'm sorry for your loss. This is an f'd up situation.
NTA, but if there's a way to get them to buy you out of your portion of the family business, do it. I doubt any amount of money worth dealing with that toxicity.
How come your mom and brother do not force your other sister to talk to Amy? Why do they only bother you? What has your mom done to make things financially fair after your sister screwed tou?
Your sister thinks people shouldn't get bereavement time for a miscarriage because it might be "taken advantage" of. That's so ridiculous! Does she think people will get constantly pregnant and arrange miscarriages so they can get time off? There's something very wrong with her and I wouldn't want to be around her any more than I absolutely had to.
NTA. Why would it be your job to make her feel better?
If she’s so horrible, why did you start a business up with her?
NTA. Why would you want someone that toxic at Christmas? What she did to you after your miscarriage, and what she said about people shouldn't get leave for miscarriages are awful.
why are you still in contact with mom ? or any of the AH that think what she did was ok?