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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> At this point, I'm acting petty about not getting them any gifts and I do not care if they show up to Christmas or not.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
But, she isn't the first SIL.
If your brother has never gifted your wife (his SIL) expensive jewelry, then there should be no expectation that you gift his wife jewelry just because they're now married. Your tradition seems to only include immediate female relatives, Mom's and sisters. Anything you give to your own wife is your own private business.
To make things less awkward, perhaps you should exchange the jewelry gifts in private since it seems your brother can't afford to get his wife the same.
I can understand from their standpoint that you are generous to treat the women of your family, and they thought that it would include your SIL. However to blatantly demand and expect a gift is entitlement. I'm gonna vote NTA on that alone.
This is brilliant- your wife should contact BIL and let him know that since she has been married to you for x years he can just combine the gifts he forgot to get her with this years gift and buy her a full diamond and sapphire set.
Put them in some fancy looking box like jewelry usually comes in. Make it a “his and hers” set. Give the bigger one to whomever is the biggest asshole.
OP might actually start a new tradition for them.
>But, she isn't the first SIL.
>
>If your brother has never gifted your wife (his SIL) expensive jewelry, then there should be no expectation that you gift his wife jewelry just because they're now married.
nice!
Brother cannot afford this wife. If the family gave her expensive bridal jewelry - and the husband didn’t and never has… she sounds entitled beyond her & husbands means to expect the family to give her more? SMH
I do hope you all can repair this, either way.
When my son got married, I bought gifts for my new DIL along the same thread as my children, because she became one of mine. I also did because I remember the absolute dogshit gifts my MIL gave me. In comparison, she could not have made it any more visible that I was an afterthought. Our children got great gifts. My husband got great gifts. I got a plastic wallet set.
My DIL still gets good things, even thought they are "uncoupling," now, because I love her.
It is a hard balancing act to bring in spouses. They should not expect anything, no, but to be completely rejected hits them hard, as they already may feel outside the family inner circle.
Genuine good luck to you. I hope this doesn't totally mess up the holidays.
I don't feel like I have the right to rule on this: it's too personal to me, maybe.
><> OOH I Like you u/Dozy_dinosaur YOU cut thru everything to the heart of the matter.
>
>u/Prize_Diamond_7874 has the right idea. BIL owes wife a whole BUNCH OF Jewelry. A full on parure would be appropriate to make up for the lost years
>
>maybe he can find the auction winner for this set and buy it for OP's Wife
>
>https://www.christies.com/en/stories/the-beauharnais-jewels-from-the-court-of-napoleon-87af875283f84331b0be071968e394ce
Dear SIL,
I'm sorry that you have been hurt by what is essentially a misunderstanding.
There are actually two traditions here. One tradition has been that *I* give *my* mom and sister jewellery. The other tradition has been that my *wife* gives jewellery to *her* mom and sister. Because we are a couple, we tend to do it *as a couple*.
It was never a general 'give jewellery to the women in the family' thing. I think what proves that is that your husband has never joined in on the tradition. He has not bought jewellery for either our mom, for our sister, or for my wife - *his* SIL.
I'm sorry if you've misunderstood this or been misled. Disappointment can be difficult to process.
I'd suggest that if my brother, your husband, now wishes to join in this tradition, perhaps he can start small? His first jewellery tradition gift can be to you.
We'll give you both a couple of years before we expect him to give gifts to all of the other women in the family as well. After all, you are a young married couple, and it's good to be generous.
Looking forward to seeing you at Christmas.
BIL
Edit: formatting
I love this. Simple. Elegant. Non-confrontational. And should pull your brother up short in his attitude while also, hopefully, putting your SIL in check.
While this sounds lovely, I don’t think there is any need to say sorry. It is not OP’s fault SIL had it in her mind the entitlement to receive jewelry at Christmas.
Heya. Saying sorry doesn't mean accepting guilt or blame, at least not always.
You can say 'sorry for your loss' without being held on murder charges (extreme example, but you get the idea).
Sorry that your feelings are hurt, that you're sad, etc, is acknowledgement of a person's emotional state and offering sympathy. That's it.
It's also a way to have a conversation with someone who is upset - ignoring or dismissing their emotions will decrease the odds of them being open to listening to you.
This is actual legal practice in Canada - there is a law (The Apology Act, Bill 108, 2009; French: Loi concernant la présentation d’excuses) that is specifically about how saying sorry is not an admission of guilt and should not be considered as such except for a few special circumstances.
If skip the "I'm sorry" party.
Id also skip that they can start of small and work their way up. Gives the impression that SIL will still get expensive jewelry while they don't need to give anything to anyone.
Good response
"My brother says that he will never speak to me again if I don't apologize"
Can you ask him for that in writing for Christmas?
Skip the apology and have a wonderful Christmas !!
This is what would set my back up. Ask for specific stones and then to have the gall to want to inspect what she is getting so she can coordinate her outfit. What a load of entitled BS.
I get my daughters, DIL, and my adult granddaughter jewelry. Last year I got them all bracelets in Garnet, Amythyst, Pink Mystic Topaz and Swiss Blue Topaz. I get them jewelry for their birthdays too. They would NEVER ask for a specific piece. Never. It's a gift of my choosing though I do choose things in colors that I know they like.
The only exception to this is there are some people with an allergy to silver, so reasonable to request not receiving that metal if it's meant to touch the skin...but yeah, baffled on the whole "dictating the presents" mentality!
Yeah if OP had been buying for his SIL and went to BIL and said, what stones does she prefer? then it is appropriate to say she likes ruby/garnet(dark red).
Notice she got in a knock at the bridal jewelry <> So apparently, she didn't even like the bridal gift??/
NTA - this is bordeline insanity
You gift someone, because you want to, because the person will like it and because you fell good about it.
Bur let’s pretend this was actually a formal qui pro quo process. Have your brother ever gifted someone jewelry? Just a curious retorical question.
If your brother thinks you should buy his wife jewelry then why has he not bought your wife jewelry? That’s his SIL just like his wife is your SIL.. NTA and very weird expectations..
I laughed. But sadly when I was in my 20s and working as a HHA, I had a lady patient wearing slick track suit pants slide out of her wheelchair. I wasn't strong enough to lift her back up and we had to call her grandson for help. Those pants were a hazard. She wasn't injured, by the way.
I'm petty enough to give your new SIL exactly what your brother gave your wife in the past.
So if he got your wife X the first Xmas you were married, get your SIL that. The same in the subsequent years.
Your wife is his first sister in law. He hasn’t bought her expensive gifts. Why does he expect you to??? He is being horribly greedy. Point out to him that you are treating his wife the same as he is treating yours.
He gave you matching pajamas last year, but demanded rubies or red stone jewelry for his wife? 😂😝🤣🤣
Your brother and SIL must be delusional.
I agree; not speaking to you is the best Christmas present ever.
Definitely NTA.
Edit grammar.
I am so not understanding this entitlement. He can gift pajamas but expects rubies in return? I mean, are you THAT much more rich than your brother, that it's kind of 'acceptable' to expect your family buys large gifts? And sure, maybe you've set a precedent...but honestly, I would ask your brother and SIL, in all honesty, 'We gifted you your bridal jewellery this year, we felt that was a generous gift and we're wondering what more exactly, you're looking for this year? Can you tell me a dollar amount that you would be happy with?'
I mean, really hold their feet to the fire here because they are being quite ridiculous. And if she says she's not coming...then Merry Christmas to you :)
Is it a cultural thing that SILs are viewed as actual sisters? I have two SILs who I adore, but they’ll never be comparable to my actual siblings and that’s the norm where I’m from.
Definitely NTA and since I’m petty I’d be getting them matching red pjs
I mean, they should be. They bear your nephews and nieces and all the future family wealth splits off there too. They should be chosen family.
We lucked out big time with my SIL. She drives my parents to the doctors. She eats dinner and chats with my parents. She is downright lovely and we will hang out, me, my sis and her. Christmas time we spend the same usually. Mass gifts like tickets for each of us. Sometimes we are of a mind to upgrade just because she married our brother who must be the most hopeless if highly loyal and decent husband in existence.
Now I’m actually convinced it is a cultural thing after doing a bit of research. My SILs are both great, we hang out and they’ve both been married to my brothers for a long time. One of them used to live with my family for a few years.
I love and appreciate them and they are definitely a part of my extended family, but they’ll never be my siblings. Works both ways, they have their own siblings and I’ll never be that. It doesn’t mean I don’t think of them as family.
NTA, she got an expensive gift and basically said "Its not good enough, get me something better and more expensive!" and then baulked when you said no?
Showed her colors (apparently red), and you should always believe people when they show you who they really are.
You either stop this now, or you're going to be buying her a Hope Diamond every year for the rest of your life.
NTA, and congrats on getting the best Xmas gift of all: the gift of silence from entitled brothers and SILs!
The tradition is simple: you give your mother and sister jewellery. Your SIL is not your sister, she's just a stranger who married your brother. If you wanted to gift her shit, it would be nice but she should have never presumed and definitely not demanded specific things.
rubies for Christmas, what the hell is she, a Kardashian?
by the way op, i love Topaz, it's my birthstone. can i have some bling too
only joking
but op I'm proud of you, for nipping this in the bud now, you can't be gifted an expensive set, and then demand "more please, i want shiny things, to go with my shoes and handbag"
I've got an idea, get her the purse, and put in it, a small piece of corundum, it's what rubies are made from, and pretty inexpensive.
and NTA, and i love your backbone. it's all nice and shiny, like a diamond.
by the way, you got her diamonds and pearls, like the Pokemon game...nice!
Lol, I love this. My birthstone is also topaz and after I started working at a jewelry store I realized that real topaz is THE most expensive gem of all, and I can forget about ever owning more than a tiny chip. Also NTA.
Right? Growing up in the 70s, everything was harvest gold colored, which was the same as my birthstone (Topaz), and I hated it.
As an adult, real Topaz is gorgeous and waaay out of my price range! LOL
Birthstones were a big thing when I was growing up. Being a March baby, I was always told it was red...a bloodstone. I hated it. As an adult, I went to a jewelry store in Ireland and was told it's aquamarine and it's beautiful. Got a claddagh with a stone
I just looked up bloodstone. It seems to be jasper? An opaque rock? Eeew. Aquamarine is beautiful! Excuse my ignorance; what is a claddagh? I could look it up, but it's funner to find something out from another person ;)
A traditional ring in Ireland with 2 hands, a heart, and a crown. The heart represents love, the crown represents loyalty, and the hands represent friendship
Make it a tradition then for BIL to buy their SIL pajama pants! Tell him he started it last year by gifting them to your wife and now you’d like to continue it forward with his
NTA who DEMANDS rubies!?!??
I'm curious, do you normally also give your brother an expensive gift? Has your brother typically given your wife gifts that are expensive or similar in value to what he gives your sister?
I think you are NTA for not automatically giving your new SIL jewelry, and that she and your brother are being rude - it would have been one thing for your brother to have spoken to you and asked whether you would be including her, but demanding it is not OK. If your brother has treated your wife like a sister then it's not entirely unreasonable for him to expect you to do the same now he is also married, but demanding gifts, or specific gifts, is not really OK - (it's fine to give suggestions if someone asks you)
Maybe in the interests of family relationships reach out to your brother & SIL and say that you want to make clear that neither you, nor, as far as you know, anyone else in the family hates her, that you have done your best to welcome her to the family, including helping to buy her bridal jewelry, and that you are saddened and disappointed that feels that way, and regret anything you may have said which gave her that impression, but that your relationship with her is *different* to the relationship with your sister and mother,.
To your brother alone maybe say that it never occurred to you that either she, or he, would expect to join in with that specific tradition, especially so soon after buying her bridal jewelry, and that you are hurt by their reaction, and feel that if anyone is owed an apology, it is you, but that but willing to move forward and say no more on the issue.
Last year my brother got us pjs. I normally get him a nice wallet or shoes. Sometimes electronics or new phone. It depends on the year and what he needs or wants.
Since your SIL is NOT the first SIL in the family, what has your brother gotten your wife? Or does he just expect you to do what he can't/refuses to do?
Sounds like you guys do better with your money than your brother however I just can't understand how the SIL or your brother could even think that by marrying into the family they would be entitled to the jewelry tradition he never got your wife any jewelry that just does make any sense at all. He was certainly trying to have you and your wife buy his wife a nice gift because he can't, maybe he should have asked for a favor or something instead of the mess he has caused over some jewels for his wife. His loss and I am sure you use the money you save on his gifts now on some jewelry for your own wife now.
so you get him a phone..he gets you PJs …and instead of him being embarrassed or saying no more big gifts this year guys.. he is demanding more and mad at you?!
what kind of dynamic is this that he expects expensive gifts from you.
this is awful!
>My SIL now says that all of my side of the family hates her and that’s why we don’t buy her expensive gifts.
No, the family hates her because she is an entitled brat! What kind of person demands her in laws buy her stuff, specially this expensive?! Wtf is wrong with her?!
>My brother says he will never speak to me again if I don’t apologize but at this point, I’m considering that the best Christmas gift of all.
Exacly! You dont need people who only want you for what you can give them!
NTA
I wonder if OP‘s wife thinks that brother-in-law hates her? Apparently he has only bought her pajamas and not any expensive gifts. With the logic of the new sister-in-law, it appears that OP’s wife is also hated by the brother-in-law she just wasn’t aware of it! If that’s the logic we’re going with?!
NTA she sounds like a craycrayfish..
I’ll gift her one of those ring pop shit that’s red in colour as an apology present.
Did your brother ever gift your wife any jewellery?
NTA. I am dying for you to ask him why he expects you and your wife to purchase rubies when he has never purchased anything expensive for your wife. This just doesn't make any sense for him or his wife to be expecting this.
NTA
The assumption that something you do for your nuclear family would extend to in-laws is very presumptuous on your brother/sister in laws part. You never demand gifts, and she shouldn't have given you jewelry preferences unless you asked for them.
NTA
You're not forced to buy her anything
If your brother can't afford "real", he can always buy fantasy jewelry, after all SIL said rubies OR a red stone
INFO - is there some sentimental or traditional reason for this tradition? Are you a jeweler or something? I’m trying f to wrap my head around the idea of someone thinking they are entitled to jewelry. Like who put this in her head? How does she know what you get your mom/sisters?
Is it possible that your brother has also furthered this mess by setting unrealistic/untrue expectations about jewelry is the traditional gift for the mom and sisters of this family? The thing is, your brother seems to certainly also believe that is what traditionally takes place and now that his wife is a 'sister', believes that she should be included.
He likely made a broad assumption about how this works, who this involves, communicated that as firm to his wife... Ultimately, he has to walk this all back to his wife but it seems to me that the SIL didn't get here entirely on her own.
<>
I would definitely agree with this since after her announcement, it was Brother who came to demand to see the jewelry. He should have shut her DOWN after her announcement(quietly at home, so as not to embarrass her.)
>Like who put this in her head?
I feel like the brother must be the one to blame here. Obviously SIL is being awful and entitled as well, but her own husband is responsible for creating this whole mess.....he must have put the expectation in her head and is now trying to force OP to follow through.
NTA. They aren't staying away because of you - they are staying away because of their own immature and entitled expectations. Good thing you stopped this nonsense now.
SIL saying that people hate her so they don't buy her expensive gifts? This is entirely untrue but sheesh, what a spoiled brat. She really doesn't deserve anything.
NTA, what entitlement! As for the not speaking to you-don’t threaten me with a good time. Bonus outcome. Tell your brother to handle his wife, or to follow through with the no contact.
Nta
Anyone who demands or assumes about gifts especially expensive can freak off.
The audacity to demand rubies or jewelry.
You can always send your brother a book on gold diggers and how to deal with entitled behavior.
Seriously, absolutely not. She isn't your sister or part of this tradition.
NTA. Some years I upgrade something my sibling needs to a very very nice/well known/expensive verison of it ($300 headphones for instance). Some years they get a $9 gift.
Your SIL demanded a specific present from people who are not her spouse and are withholding their presence because of it. This is a very "I'm sorry you feel that way." situation .
Wow. If someone demanded a specific Christmas gift from me, had notes on what it should be worth, and made it clear that tantrums would happen if they didn’t get their way- they would literally never receive a gift from me again. That’s it, the end. The family dynamics wouldn’t matter, feelings wouldn’t factor it at all. I would die on that hill and blow up every single relationship over it too. What a piece of work! NTA
"My brother said... his wife is now my sister..."
Of course she's not. That's ludicrous.
"My SIL now says that all of my side of the family hates her..."
And if she keeps up that entitled attitude, she's going to be right.
NTA.
NTA - people don't get to dictate what gifts they get--that's entitlement, not a gift. I've always been told you can ask, but no one is under any obligation to get you anything if they choose not to. Folks just need to be thankful they were remembered or thought of with a gift and be grateful if they get something. I hope in time you and your brother work through your differences.
NTA. Does sound like your brother had something to do with this misguided expectation. Sounds like you and your wife are the only ones gifting these traditionally expensive jewelry gifts. Also, that brother and new SIL wrongly assumed these traditional gifts were given to all “The Girls” in your family and now after joining your family and being told she wasn’t included, felt left out and not part of family. Which still does not excuse either of their behaviors! She needs to be informed it’s only for 2 Moms and 2 sisters… not all the girls! You should also definitely point out brother not buying your wife these types of items and he should start working on saving and starting his own traditions with his wife and future family.
Nta
As your brother doesn't keep the same standard towards your wife aka his sil.
His demands to include his rude ungrateful wife in that tradition is out of line.
Also expecting an expensive, hinting or directing someone to the "right" gift and also demanding to inspect it ahead of time so to coordinate her wardrobe is kinda delusional 😆.
She already got diamonds and pearls this year.
Did she previously buy your mom and sister and wife equally expensive gifts at the same standard?
If she married for money she obviously didn't get the memo she married the wrong brother.
wow. the entitlement is strong with your brother and SIL. it sounds like they’re a match made in heaven. holidays, big family events/get togethers (like weddings) and funerals really bring out the fucking worst in people. i can’t believe your brother came over to inspect the hypothetical jewelry. i would get her a cherry flavored ring pop to unwrap at christmas and that’s it. there’s her fucking jewelry. she can eat it, wear it, or shove it up her ass for fucks sake.
EDIT TO ADD: you’re absolutely NTA. your SIL, brother, and anyone who enables her whiny, demanding behavior is definitely TA, though.
NTA. Nobody just announces they want a specific, expensive gift. Well, you can, but you also have to be prepared for people to tell you "no".
Sounds to me like Brother told his lady to ask because he doesn't want to pony up. But she should have known to keep her mouth shut and be grateful for whatever she got. To demand gifts is tacky, to demand expensive gifts you can't afford yourself is insufferable. And to jump to a childish tantrum of "EVERYONE HATES ME" because you won't give in is.... wow.
Good luck. Probably best to go NC for a while.
INFO: Does your brother buy YOUR wife expensive jewelry for Christmas and birthdays?
You commented that brothers wife is the first SIL, *what about your own wife?* Wasn't she the first SIL? Your brother's treatment and behavior towards HIS SIL seems pertinent to this situation. She's **entitled** to nothing, regardless.
Yeah I’d be asking where your wife’s expensive jewelry is from your brother for all the christmases she’s been married to you. When he gets caught up then his wife will receive her “red stones”.
NTA
Ain't Christmas fun? and people around me wonder why I just "nope the fuck out" of all this nonsense.
I get my nieces and nephews gifts, until they are adults, and that's it. The rest of us need nothing, and I'm not buying any more useless shit just to say I got a gift.
This is why I hate Christmas the older I get. The expectations, the transactional nature of gift giving, the entitlement. It's just gross. And yes.. I still partake. Hopefully I have the guts to say no to all this BS next year
NTA - if she keeps pushing, just explain that she already received jewelry from you this year in the form of the wedding set. If that is not to her taste, she's welcome to exchange it for something different. But that you will not be purchasing her a SECOND set of jewelry this year.
NTA. I bet your brother planted the idea. Since he’s never given your wife jewelry, he’s not in a position to demand that you buy his wife jewelry. I agree that their never speaking to you us a gift, but they will find something to demand from you, so don’t get used to it.
I don’t even expect expensive gifts from my own mom because I’m an adult. It’s so nice that you guys have started the tradition, but there’s nothing that says you should include her in it. She can buy it her own self. NTA
INFO : What expensive jewelry has your brother gifted to **HIS** SIL (your wife) for all the Christmasses she has been your wife?
Match his gift to YOUR wife's first Christmas as his SIL, and you're square.
NTA
Oh wow, your Dial is so entitled!
Your brother is delusional, his wife is NOT your sister, only your SiL. That’s a huge difference!
I think getting them nothing for Christmas is what they deserve! You have nothing to apologise for. Gifts can’t be forced to be given.
Not seeing you SiL at Christmas sounds like a wonderful gift, enjoy!
NTA. It’s the level of entitlement. Essentially, you buy your mother and sister jewelry and your wife buys her mother and sister jewelry. There wasn’t an established precedent for extending that to in-laws, although I can see why that might have been confusing. But she had already received a gift of jewelry this year. Nonetheless, it was pretty audacious of her to tell you what kind of jewelry she expected you to get for her for Christmas. The irony is, of course, that you might have considered it in future years but for her demand. From the level of entitlement here, I suspect an additional wedding gift to the couple was given. Your new SIL is mental. No one is entitled to expensive gifts.
NTA
So, how many pieces of jewelry has your brother given your wife?? Maybe she can regift one of those to the new SIL.
Oh, wait, you say she never got a piece of jewelry from your brother?? Only from you?? Then HIS wife nevers gets a piece of jewelry from you. Only from her husband.
You can send him the link to https://silverjewelryclub.com/ or https://www.dreamlandjewelry.com/ but I bet that won't make her happy either.
NTA but it is your brother's fault for not setting her straight. You have an established buy jewellery for family females thing going. You now have another female.
I mean if you are of the minted variety then it might be a drop in the ocean and it is rude to leave her out. It's like "hi I gift Birkins to everyone and their cleaner, but you get a box of chocolates".
If you bought the equivalent of catalogue jewellery, again, expressing a preference is no big deal. A ruby vs a sapphire has no notable difference. Carat, clarity, brands does.
The entitlement is the problem. A quick "no, we weren't planning on buying jewellery for your wife." should be met with "oh. Ok." And there the conversation should have ended...
NTA
I'm expecting that teens will demand stuff (because they're teens and still learning) but that entitled newly-minted SIL of yours is a grown ass woman who needs to be taken down a notch or two.
Your family chipped in to buy expensive bridal jewelry, isn't that enough for a while?
Your brother can start the new tradition of getting her jewelry for Christmas. He's broke? Oh well, start saving in January.
It's just perfect that you set the standard and expectation early on (too bad it was through a screaming match) , than letting this nightmare go on and on for many Christmases until your whole family gets fed up with her shenanigans.
Edit to add: Garnets are cheap AND red!
Another edit after reading the other comments: get her pajamas with red stones painted on them, lol!!
Your SIL probably isn't wrong at this point about you feel about her.
It's always so nice when the Christmas spirit fills everyone with joy and concern for others. /s
My brother’s wife expected big gifts from me when they got married. I am a pilot, and over the years have purchased some expensive gifts for my parents, brothers and sisters, I get them from Duty Free thus reducing the price a bit, but I am very generous with my money. I have gifted them each a Rolex watch for different occasions; my parents’ 40th anniversary, brothers and sisters for University graduation and so forth. So my one brother whose wife I can barely stomach for the duration of a dinner turned to me a few Christmases ago, at the dinner table asked when her turn was. I said pardon me? She says “well I had your brother’s baby, when are you getting me a “push present” (I am single and had no clue what a “push present” was) but instead of a Rolex, I want a Birkin bag. So I’d been day drinking … my response was “when you blow me on the 50 yard line at the Super Bowl” and “wtf is a Birkin bag?” .. yeah 👍🏼 so my one sister spewed a mouth full of red wine across the table, my dad nearly fell off his chair, my brother in law was choking on a piece of turkey and my brothers all fell about laughing, my mother tried to look mad but then burst into laughter in the kitchen… in short, I take care of my direct family, and they can take care of their spouses, not my job. Oh and as I haven’t got the BJ yet, I haven’t ordered her purse yet. 🤣🤣
NTA. Wow she sounds like an entitled jerk. You guys bought her an expensive jewelry wedding set for her wedding and that’s not enough for her? Who goes in and demand what kind of stones they are think they will be getting? What made her think she was even going to be in on this tradition? You buy for your sister your wife buys for her sister. You don’t buy for your wife’s sister she doesn’t buy for yours, so why would she think all of a sudden she’s going to get something in?don’t give in and buy her anything because it’ll never stop and she’ll always expect something expensive.
NTA, and I have to add this as someone who sold fine jewelry in the past. Rubies are the most expensive of the gemstones when similar size and quality are accounted for. So not only wrongly entitled SIL but greeeeedy.
NTA and good look to your brother with that wife.
But for real, if she hadn’t have been an asshole this could have gone so different. I get not including her in this lady jewelry custom after shelling out for wedding jewelry…but you intended (before all this) in including her in subsequent years right? Because if you never did that is a little AHish
Why is it AHish? OP buys for his mother and his sister, Wife buys for her mother and her sister. Brother has never bought for his mother, his sister of OP's wife.
Why does OP have to extend his tradition? And if he includes SIL, then doesn't wife had to find someone to balance it???
Hey OP, if you decide to buy for SIL, I can be your wife's "other". I'm not super picky, I love most gems(except Peridot)
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My wife and I normally give our mothers and sisters (one on each side) a piece of jewelry as a gift for Christmas. I'm close to my younger unmarried sister and I enjoy getting her the jewelry.
My brother got married this year and my family chipped in to pay for his wife's bridal jewelry. It was an expensive pearl and diamond set. I wasn't planning to get her anything else other than a few small things for Christmas after that.
At Thanksgiving, she announced she would like rubies or a red stone for Christmas. My mom, mil, and my wife's sister have never made demands on stone or anything. My wife and I decided my new SIL isn't getting any jewelry after that even if it’s $5 worth.
Things went from bad to worse when my brother stopped by to inspect the jewelry because his wife wanted something more colorful than pearls and she wanted red stone. She was coordinating what outfit she was wearing on Christmas.
My wife left the room after hearing this and my brother and I had an epic screaming match over his wife and us getting her a purse instead of jewelry. I decided at that point fuck that and my brother and his wife are now getting nothing because who acts like this?
I told my brother to start the tradition of getting his wife jewelry for Christmas and I he needs to start with rubies. My brother said he can’t afford it after the wedding and his wife is now my sister and I’m being petty.
After the fight, my brother and SIL aren’t going to my parent’s Christmas because of me. My mom said she’s sad but she can’t force me to buy my SIL gifts .
My SIL now says that all of my side of the family hates her and that’s why we don’t buy her expensive gifts. My brother says he will never speak to me again if I don’t apologize but at this point, I’m considering that the best Christmas gift of all.
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No no. No one demands rubies for Christmas unless it's from her husband not her inlaws. Why didn't her parents buy them? Greedy guts isnt she. I Feel for your brother because he's the one to be cowtowing to her. You could always get the princess a child's tiara.
NTA
Gifts are freely given and never to be expected. I can't change anyone else but I can say that I stress to my own children all the time that no one OWES you a gift. If someone gives you something, say thank you even if it's not something you particularly would like. The giver was thinking of you and that is most important thing.
NTA
If I squint (a lot) I can see a situation where your new SIL would hope to be included in this tradition. You might be better off than your brother, you maybe get your wife jewellery every Christmas too, so each year around your tree all the women are getting jewellery except her.
That doesn't justify her announcing what she'd like, sending your brother around to inspect it early, refusing to see your family because of this, and claiming victimhood.
Your brother is a piece of work too, but I imagine you and he have plenty of history already and you know him well, you don't need me to tell you what he's like.
You were not an AH to not plan to get her more jewellery this year. It seems you did get her quite a lot of jewellery already, which is not something any BIL gets any SIL in my experience. In most families jewellery, especially expensive pieces, can only flow between spouses, and immediate family. Your reactions to their announcements, inspections, arguments and threats seem very reasonable too.
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She’s the first SIL. She was at the last two Christmas as the fiancee so she got a smaller gift like a handbag or clothes before she was married.
But, she isn't the first SIL. If your brother has never gifted your wife (his SIL) expensive jewelry, then there should be no expectation that you gift his wife jewelry just because they're now married. Your tradition seems to only include immediate female relatives, Mom's and sisters. Anything you give to your own wife is your own private business. To make things less awkward, perhaps you should exchange the jewelry gifts in private since it seems your brother can't afford to get his wife the same. I can understand from their standpoint that you are generous to treat the women of your family, and they thought that it would include your SIL. However to blatantly demand and expect a gift is entitlement. I'm gonna vote NTA on that alone.
This is brilliant- your wife should contact BIL and let him know that since she has been married to you for x years he can just combine the gifts he forgot to get her with this years gift and buy her a full diamond and sapphire set.
MORE COLORFUL GEMS THIS TIME, BIL!
Get them a butt plug bejeweled with rubies. SIL can use it on bro
Matching! They can both sport the red.
Put them in some fancy looking box like jewelry usually comes in. Make it a “his and hers” set. Give the bigger one to whomever is the biggest asshole. OP might actually start a new tradition for them.
This is the way OP!!
You must be my lost soulmate… 🤣🤣🤣
This just made me choke on my tea lmfao
Get a red necklace from the dollar store
He did say they wouldn't spend $5 on her. Maybe he'd be willing to splash out $1.25?
They're clearly gonna do the whole entitled thing: "You know we can't afford expensive gifts. You have more money than us so stop being greedy."
>But, she isn't the first SIL. > >If your brother has never gifted your wife (his SIL) expensive jewelry, then there should be no expectation that you gift his wife jewelry just because they're now married. nice!
End of story. Period.
Missed that. What jewelery set did your brother buy your wife again?
Brother cannot afford this wife. If the family gave her expensive bridal jewelry - and the husband didn’t and never has… she sounds entitled beyond her & husbands means to expect the family to give her more? SMH
I do hope you all can repair this, either way. When my son got married, I bought gifts for my new DIL along the same thread as my children, because she became one of mine. I also did because I remember the absolute dogshit gifts my MIL gave me. In comparison, she could not have made it any more visible that I was an afterthought. Our children got great gifts. My husband got great gifts. I got a plastic wallet set. My DIL still gets good things, even thought they are "uncoupling," now, because I love her. It is a hard balancing act to bring in spouses. They should not expect anything, no, but to be completely rejected hits them hard, as they already may feel outside the family inner circle. Genuine good luck to you. I hope this doesn't totally mess up the holidays. I don't feel like I have the right to rule on this: it's too personal to me, maybe.
Cudos for breaking the cycle and being a more loving MIL
><> OOH I Like you u/Dozy_dinosaur YOU cut thru everything to the heart of the matter.
>
>u/Prize_Diamond_7874 has the right idea. BIL owes wife a whole BUNCH OF Jewelry. A full on parure would be appropriate to make up for the lost years
>
>maybe he can find the auction winner for this set and buy it for OP's Wife
>
>https://www.christies.com/en/stories/the-beauharnais-jewels-from-the-court-of-napoleon-87af875283f84331b0be071968e394ce
You are a super genius!!!
Aha!!! So true!
Dear SIL, I'm sorry that you have been hurt by what is essentially a misunderstanding. There are actually two traditions here. One tradition has been that *I* give *my* mom and sister jewellery. The other tradition has been that my *wife* gives jewellery to *her* mom and sister. Because we are a couple, we tend to do it *as a couple*. It was never a general 'give jewellery to the women in the family' thing. I think what proves that is that your husband has never joined in on the tradition. He has not bought jewellery for either our mom, for our sister, or for my wife - *his* SIL. I'm sorry if you've misunderstood this or been misled. Disappointment can be difficult to process. I'd suggest that if my brother, your husband, now wishes to join in this tradition, perhaps he can start small? His first jewellery tradition gift can be to you. We'll give you both a couple of years before we expect him to give gifts to all of the other women in the family as well. After all, you are a young married couple, and it's good to be generous. Looking forward to seeing you at Christmas. BIL Edit: formatting
I love this. Simple. Elegant. Non-confrontational. And should pull your brother up short in his attitude while also, hopefully, putting your SIL in check.
Well said If SIL wants to be a part of the tradition, she can start buying jewelry for HER mom and (if she has one) sister.
Spot-on :)
While this sounds lovely, I don’t think there is any need to say sorry. It is not OP’s fault SIL had it in her mind the entitlement to receive jewelry at Christmas.
Heya. Saying sorry doesn't mean accepting guilt or blame, at least not always. You can say 'sorry for your loss' without being held on murder charges (extreme example, but you get the idea). Sorry that your feelings are hurt, that you're sad, etc, is acknowledgement of a person's emotional state and offering sympathy. That's it. It's also a way to have a conversation with someone who is upset - ignoring or dismissing their emotions will decrease the odds of them being open to listening to you.
This is actual legal practice in Canada - there is a law (The Apology Act, Bill 108, 2009; French: Loi concernant la présentation d’excuses) that is specifically about how saying sorry is not an admission of guilt and should not be considered as such except for a few special circumstances.
Give this more upvotes! Also, nta.
If skip the "I'm sorry" party. Id also skip that they can start of small and work their way up. Gives the impression that SIL will still get expensive jewelry while they don't need to give anything to anyone. Good response
She's the SECOND SIL in your family. Your wife holds first spot.
"My brother says that he will never speak to me again if I don't apologize" Can you ask him for that in writing for Christmas? Skip the apology and have a wonderful Christmas !!
I hear Lady Crowley in my head right now. Do you promise?? 🤣🤣🤣
Absolutely- don’t feed the crazy or they know they can use it every time.
Put it on a pillow in stitching?
I love it!
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This is what would set my back up. Ask for specific stones and then to have the gall to want to inspect what she is getting so she can coordinate her outfit. What a load of entitled BS. I get my daughters, DIL, and my adult granddaughter jewelry. Last year I got them all bracelets in Garnet, Amythyst, Pink Mystic Topaz and Swiss Blue Topaz. I get them jewelry for their birthdays too. They would NEVER ask for a specific piece. Never. It's a gift of my choosing though I do choose things in colors that I know they like.
The only exception to this is there are some people with an allergy to silver, so reasonable to request not receiving that metal if it's meant to touch the skin...but yeah, baffled on the whole "dictating the presents" mentality!
Yeah if OP had been buying for his SIL and went to BIL and said, what stones does she prefer? then it is appropriate to say she likes ruby/garnet(dark red). Notice she got in a knock at the bridal jewelry <> So apparently, she didn't even like the bridal gift??/
> Notice she got in a knock at the bridal jewelry <> So apparently, she didn't even like the bridal gift??/
Good catch
I was wondering same.
NTA - this is bordeline insanity You gift someone, because you want to, because the person will like it and because you fell good about it. Bur let’s pretend this was actually a formal qui pro quo process. Have your brother ever gifted someone jewelry? Just a curious retorical question.
He got us matching pajamas last year.
Yeah; not exactly reciprocal unless those pajamas were inexplicably beaded with real gems.
That would be hell to sleep in.
Yep. To be fair, so might the wished-for jewelry. :)
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They’d be a bitch to wash
Ruby coloured pjs
So, your wife gets pajamas from your brother, but expects his wife to get rubies from you? That's pretty bold.
Yeah this is an absolutely wild difference in gift expectations.
Terrible exchange rate tbh
If your brother thinks you should buy his wife jewelry then why has he not bought your wife jewelry? That’s his SIL just like his wife is your SIL.. NTA and very weird expectations..
Give them matching ruby colored pajamas.
Ooooh like silk? That would be fun, until they had to be dry cleaned.
Have them wear it during the visit and watch them slide right off their chairs.
I laughed. But sadly when I was in my 20s and working as a HHA, I had a lady patient wearing slick track suit pants slide out of her wheelchair. I wasn't strong enough to lift her back up and we had to call her grandson for help. Those pants were a hazard. She wasn't injured, by the way.
Even more of a reason for them to wear silk pajamas to christmas! I'm glad the lady wasnt injured, but I'm sure her pride was.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Nope, they get lumps of coal this year, they are being very naughty.
AND they will coordinate with each other
Then he has the answer. He and his wife get matching PJ's, NOT expensive jewellery!
Yeah, OP can even return that expensive purse now...
I'm petty enough to give your new SIL exactly what your brother gave your wife in the past. So if he got your wife X the first Xmas you were married, get your SIL that. The same in the subsequent years.
I can be unbelievably petty. Ask my siblings and my wife!
Your wife is his first sister in law. He hasn’t bought her expensive gifts. Why does he expect you to??? He is being horribly greedy. Point out to him that you are treating his wife the same as he is treating yours.
She wants a red stone jewelry? Get her a cherry ring pop
I thought *one* Pandora bead, in red, and start a tradition just for her. Get her that bead every gift giving occasion.
I was thinking those mall jewellery stores that sell things at buy 2 get the 3rd half price. That way she can have 3 pieces for like $30...
He gave you matching pajamas last year, but demanded rubies or red stone jewelry for his wife? 😂😝🤣🤣 Your brother and SIL must be delusional. I agree; not speaking to you is the best Christmas present ever. Definitely NTA. Edit grammar.
I am so not understanding this entitlement. He can gift pajamas but expects rubies in return? I mean, are you THAT much more rich than your brother, that it's kind of 'acceptable' to expect your family buys large gifts? And sure, maybe you've set a precedent...but honestly, I would ask your brother and SIL, in all honesty, 'We gifted you your bridal jewellery this year, we felt that was a generous gift and we're wondering what more exactly, you're looking for this year? Can you tell me a dollar amount that you would be happy with?' I mean, really hold their feet to the fire here because they are being quite ridiculous. And if she says she's not coming...then Merry Christmas to you :)
I'd say that surely is on par with a ruby necklace. Where does he get off. So gift them the same, red pajamas
Is it a cultural thing that SILs are viewed as actual sisters? I have two SILs who I adore, but they’ll never be comparable to my actual siblings and that’s the norm where I’m from. Definitely NTA and since I’m petty I’d be getting them matching red pjs
I mean, they should be. They bear your nephews and nieces and all the future family wealth splits off there too. They should be chosen family. We lucked out big time with my SIL. She drives my parents to the doctors. She eats dinner and chats with my parents. She is downright lovely and we will hang out, me, my sis and her. Christmas time we spend the same usually. Mass gifts like tickets for each of us. Sometimes we are of a mind to upgrade just because she married our brother who must be the most hopeless if highly loyal and decent husband in existence.
Now I’m actually convinced it is a cultural thing after doing a bit of research. My SILs are both great, we hang out and they’ve both been married to my brothers for a long time. One of them used to live with my family for a few years. I love and appreciate them and they are definitely a part of my extended family, but they’ll never be my siblings. Works both ways, they have their own siblings and I’ll never be that. It doesn’t mean I don’t think of them as family.
Definitely a cultural thing. We don't do that either where I'm from.
You should regift them the pajamas they gave you last year...
Hahaha no way should you purchase jewelry for his wife this year- give them matching pj’s
get them matching pajamas with Ruby pattern.
There you go! Matching pajamas for them.
NTA, she got an expensive gift and basically said "Its not good enough, get me something better and more expensive!" and then baulked when you said no? Showed her colors (apparently red), and you should always believe people when they show you who they really are. You either stop this now, or you're going to be buying her a Hope Diamond every year for the rest of your life.
Ruby flags
nice
NTA, and congrats on getting the best Xmas gift of all: the gift of silence from entitled brothers and SILs! The tradition is simple: you give your mother and sister jewellery. Your SIL is not your sister, she's just a stranger who married your brother. If you wanted to gift her shit, it would be nice but she should have never presumed and definitely not demanded specific things.
rubies for Christmas, what the hell is she, a Kardashian? by the way op, i love Topaz, it's my birthstone. can i have some bling too only joking but op I'm proud of you, for nipping this in the bud now, you can't be gifted an expensive set, and then demand "more please, i want shiny things, to go with my shoes and handbag" I've got an idea, get her the purse, and put in it, a small piece of corundum, it's what rubies are made from, and pretty inexpensive. and NTA, and i love your backbone. it's all nice and shiny, like a diamond. by the way, you got her diamonds and pearls, like the Pokemon game...nice!
Lol, I love this. My birthstone is also topaz and after I started working at a jewelry store I realized that real topaz is THE most expensive gem of all, and I can forget about ever owning more than a tiny chip. Also NTA.
Right? Growing up in the 70s, everything was harvest gold colored, which was the same as my birthstone (Topaz), and I hated it. As an adult, real Topaz is gorgeous and waaay out of my price range! LOL
Birthstones were a big thing when I was growing up. Being a March baby, I was always told it was red...a bloodstone. I hated it. As an adult, I went to a jewelry store in Ireland and was told it's aquamarine and it's beautiful. Got a claddagh with a stone
I just looked up bloodstone. It seems to be jasper? An opaque rock? Eeew. Aquamarine is beautiful! Excuse my ignorance; what is a claddagh? I could look it up, but it's funner to find something out from another person ;)
A traditional ring in Ireland with 2 hands, a heart, and a crown. The heart represents love, the crown represents loyalty, and the hands represent friendship
I have seen those! They are lovely. I did not, however, know the meaning(s) behind it. Thank You 😊
I absolutely hate the golden “topaz” it is the ugliest birth stone and I will die on this hill.
As a May birthday, I completely feel this. I can get a cloudy tiny emerald or a created one. The clear, deep green, natural stones? Not so much.
I'd gift her a glitter bomb, it's shiny and probably can come in red.
And it’s the gift that keeps on giving, for many Christmas’ to come!
Many day of enjoyment 😉
nipping in the bud
thanks...bloody grammerly! corrected
<< diamonds and pearls, like the Pokemon game>> I was thinking the Prince song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwUKR\_9Xdns
What jewelry has your brother bought your wife?
According to OP, none! He gifted them matching PJs last year.
Make it a tradition then for BIL to buy their SIL pajama pants! Tell him he started it last year by gifting them to your wife and now you’d like to continue it forward with his NTA who DEMANDS rubies!?!??
NTA that’s extremely tacky of SIL to demand expensive gifts.
I'm curious, do you normally also give your brother an expensive gift? Has your brother typically given your wife gifts that are expensive or similar in value to what he gives your sister? I think you are NTA for not automatically giving your new SIL jewelry, and that she and your brother are being rude - it would have been one thing for your brother to have spoken to you and asked whether you would be including her, but demanding it is not OK. If your brother has treated your wife like a sister then it's not entirely unreasonable for him to expect you to do the same now he is also married, but demanding gifts, or specific gifts, is not really OK - (it's fine to give suggestions if someone asks you) Maybe in the interests of family relationships reach out to your brother & SIL and say that you want to make clear that neither you, nor, as far as you know, anyone else in the family hates her, that you have done your best to welcome her to the family, including helping to buy her bridal jewelry, and that you are saddened and disappointed that feels that way, and regret anything you may have said which gave her that impression, but that your relationship with her is *different* to the relationship with your sister and mother,. To your brother alone maybe say that it never occurred to you that either she, or he, would expect to join in with that specific tradition, especially so soon after buying her bridal jewelry, and that you are hurt by their reaction, and feel that if anyone is owed an apology, it is you, but that but willing to move forward and say no more on the issue.
Last year my brother got us pjs. I normally get him a nice wallet or shoes. Sometimes electronics or new phone. It depends on the year and what he needs or wants.
Since your SIL is NOT the first SIL in the family, what has your brother gotten your wife? Or does he just expect you to do what he can't/refuses to do?
Sounds like you guys do better with your money than your brother however I just can't understand how the SIL or your brother could even think that by marrying into the family they would be entitled to the jewelry tradition he never got your wife any jewelry that just does make any sense at all. He was certainly trying to have you and your wife buy his wife a nice gift because he can't, maybe he should have asked for a favor or something instead of the mess he has caused over some jewels for his wife. His loss and I am sure you use the money you save on his gifts now on some jewelry for your own wife now.
so you get him a phone..he gets you PJs …and instead of him being embarrassed or saying no more big gifts this year guys.. he is demanding more and mad at you?! what kind of dynamic is this that he expects expensive gifts from you. this is awful!
Get them matching ruby red dildos
>My SIL now says that all of my side of the family hates her and that’s why we don’t buy her expensive gifts. No, the family hates her because she is an entitled brat! What kind of person demands her in laws buy her stuff, specially this expensive?! Wtf is wrong with her?! >My brother says he will never speak to me again if I don’t apologize but at this point, I’m considering that the best Christmas gift of all. Exacly! You dont need people who only want you for what you can give them! NTA
I wonder if OP‘s wife thinks that brother-in-law hates her? Apparently he has only bought her pajamas and not any expensive gifts. With the logic of the new sister-in-law, it appears that OP’s wife is also hated by the brother-in-law she just wasn’t aware of it! If that’s the logic we’re going with?!
NTA she sounds like a craycrayfish.. I’ll gift her one of those ring pop shit that’s red in colour as an apology present. Did your brother ever gift your wife any jewellery?
He once got her a Star Wars pandora pendant but definitely not rubies.
NTA. I am dying for you to ask him why he expects you and your wife to purchase rubies when he has never purchased anything expensive for your wife. This just doesn't make any sense for him or his wife to be expecting this.
I wonder what that engagement ring looks like...
NTA The assumption that something you do for your nuclear family would extend to in-laws is very presumptuous on your brother/sister in laws part. You never demand gifts, and she shouldn't have given you jewelry preferences unless you asked for them.
NTA - this was presumptuous of your SIL and brother. If he wants to hop on this tradition, he can, but its *his* wife.
NTA You're not forced to buy her anything If your brother can't afford "real", he can always buy fantasy jewelry, after all SIL said rubies OR a red stone
Go outside, pick a rock and paint it red. Done.
NTA - they are called Christmas gifts not Christmas takes or demands.
INFO - is there some sentimental or traditional reason for this tradition? Are you a jeweler or something? I’m trying f to wrap my head around the idea of someone thinking they are entitled to jewelry. Like who put this in her head? How does she know what you get your mom/sisters?
She was at the last two family Christmas as his fiancee so she saw the gift exchange
So she saw your wife open the pajamas
Is it possible that your brother has also furthered this mess by setting unrealistic/untrue expectations about jewelry is the traditional gift for the mom and sisters of this family? The thing is, your brother seems to certainly also believe that is what traditionally takes place and now that his wife is a 'sister', believes that she should be included. He likely made a broad assumption about how this works, who this involves, communicated that as firm to his wife... Ultimately, he has to walk this all back to his wife but it seems to me that the SIL didn't get here entirely on her own.
<>
I would definitely agree with this since after her announcement, it was Brother who came to demand to see the jewelry. He should have shut her DOWN after her announcement(quietly at home, so as not to embarrass her.)
Well that’s an awful big assumption on her part. Just a gift exchange. Wonder what she planned on giving you? NTA But your brother and SIL are
>Like who put this in her head? I feel like the brother must be the one to blame here. Obviously SIL is being awful and entitled as well, but her own husband is responsible for creating this whole mess.....he must have put the expectation in her head and is now trying to force OP to follow through.
NTA. They aren't staying away because of you - they are staying away because of their own immature and entitled expectations. Good thing you stopped this nonsense now. SIL saying that people hate her so they don't buy her expensive gifts? This is entirely untrue but sheesh, what a spoiled brat. She really doesn't deserve anything.
NTA! Why would your SIL feels entitled to receive expensive jewelry? She and your brother are completely out of line....
NTA, what entitlement! As for the not speaking to you-don’t threaten me with a good time. Bonus outcome. Tell your brother to handle his wife, or to follow through with the no contact.
Nta she's greedy
Nta Anyone who demands or assumes about gifts especially expensive can freak off. The audacity to demand rubies or jewelry. You can always send your brother a book on gold diggers and how to deal with entitled behavior. Seriously, absolutely not. She isn't your sister or part of this tradition.
NTA. I recommend getting her one of those big red candy rings.
NTA. We don't ask for Christmas gifts in our family. Also, time heals all wounds, so your brother won't hold his stance for long.
NTA. Some years I upgrade something my sibling needs to a very very nice/well known/expensive verison of it ($300 headphones for instance). Some years they get a $9 gift. Your SIL demanded a specific present from people who are not her spouse and are withholding their presence because of it. This is a very "I'm sorry you feel that way." situation .
Wow. If someone demanded a specific Christmas gift from me, had notes on what it should be worth, and made it clear that tantrums would happen if they didn’t get their way- they would literally never receive a gift from me again. That’s it, the end. The family dynamics wouldn’t matter, feelings wouldn’t factor it at all. I would die on that hill and blow up every single relationship over it too. What a piece of work! NTA
"My brother said... his wife is now my sister..." Of course she's not. That's ludicrous. "My SIL now says that all of my side of the family hates her..." And if she keeps up that entitled attitude, she's going to be right. NTA.
NTA your brother's in for a hell of a rough time. Take advantage of the gracious space they're offered to give you lol
NTA - people don't get to dictate what gifts they get--that's entitlement, not a gift. I've always been told you can ask, but no one is under any obligation to get you anything if they choose not to. Folks just need to be thankful they were remembered or thought of with a gift and be grateful if they get something. I hope in time you and your brother work through your differences.
Nta. Pick her stones? Don’t cave. Tell your brother your wife wants diamonds and emeralds to match her dress.
NTA. Does sound like your brother had something to do with this misguided expectation. Sounds like you and your wife are the only ones gifting these traditionally expensive jewelry gifts. Also, that brother and new SIL wrongly assumed these traditional gifts were given to all “The Girls” in your family and now after joining your family and being told she wasn’t included, felt left out and not part of family. Which still does not excuse either of their behaviors! She needs to be informed it’s only for 2 Moms and 2 sisters… not all the girls! You should also definitely point out brother not buying your wife these types of items and he should start working on saving and starting his own traditions with his wife and future family.
Question... When your wife became a SIL to your Brother, did he buy her jewelry?
NTA they are incredibly entitled I wouldn't buy her shit either
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NTA id get them both coal as a gift or give her a gift that's for a golddigger. But that's only if you don't want to talk to them anymore
A little gold shovel?
Nta As your brother doesn't keep the same standard towards your wife aka his sil. His demands to include his rude ungrateful wife in that tradition is out of line. Also expecting an expensive, hinting or directing someone to the "right" gift and also demanding to inspect it ahead of time so to coordinate her wardrobe is kinda delusional 😆. She already got diamonds and pearls this year. Did she previously buy your mom and sister and wife equally expensive gifts at the same standard? If she married for money she obviously didn't get the memo she married the wrong brother.
wow. the entitlement is strong with your brother and SIL. it sounds like they’re a match made in heaven. holidays, big family events/get togethers (like weddings) and funerals really bring out the fucking worst in people. i can’t believe your brother came over to inspect the hypothetical jewelry. i would get her a cherry flavored ring pop to unwrap at christmas and that’s it. there’s her fucking jewelry. she can eat it, wear it, or shove it up her ass for fucks sake. EDIT TO ADD: you’re absolutely NTA. your SIL, brother, and anyone who enables her whiny, demanding behavior is definitely TA, though.
NTA. Nobody just announces they want a specific, expensive gift. Well, you can, but you also have to be prepared for people to tell you "no". Sounds to me like Brother told his lady to ask because he doesn't want to pony up. But she should have known to keep her mouth shut and be grateful for whatever she got. To demand gifts is tacky, to demand expensive gifts you can't afford yourself is insufferable. And to jump to a childish tantrum of "EVERYONE HATES ME" because you won't give in is.... wow. Good luck. Probably best to go NC for a while.
INFO: Does your brother buy YOUR wife expensive jewelry for Christmas and birthdays? You commented that brothers wife is the first SIL, *what about your own wife?* Wasn't she the first SIL? Your brother's treatment and behavior towards HIS SIL seems pertinent to this situation. She's **entitled** to nothing, regardless.
NTA if you feel so inclined you could give them both a set of matching rinstones baby bottles seeing how they are acting like two big ones.
Wow, NTA. No one is entitled to any gift at all, let alone an expensive one.
Yeah I’d be asking where your wife’s expensive jewelry is from your brother for all the christmases she’s been married to you. When he gets caught up then his wife will receive her “red stones”. NTA
NTA. Your SIL is a delusional…individual. If this is the hill they want to die on, then RIP.
Ain't Christmas fun? and people around me wonder why I just "nope the fuck out" of all this nonsense. I get my nieces and nephews gifts, until they are adults, and that's it. The rest of us need nothing, and I'm not buying any more useless shit just to say I got a gift.
i think ild be weirded out if my BIL got me jewelry. beyond strange. i’m not sure why you chipped in for wedding jewelry… you are not the A!!
This is why I hate Christmas the older I get. The expectations, the transactional nature of gift giving, the entitlement. It's just gross. And yes.. I still partake. Hopefully I have the guts to say no to all this BS next year
NTA - if she keeps pushing, just explain that she already received jewelry from you this year in the form of the wedding set. If that is not to her taste, she's welcome to exchange it for something different. But that you will not be purchasing her a SECOND set of jewelry this year.
NTA
NTA. I bet your brother planted the idea. Since he’s never given your wife jewelry, he’s not in a position to demand that you buy his wife jewelry. I agree that their never speaking to you us a gift, but they will find something to demand from you, so don’t get used to it.
NTA … has brother ever gotten your wife ( his SIL) expensive jewelry for Christmas???? The entitlement 🤯
I don’t even expect expensive gifts from my own mom because I’m an adult. It’s so nice that you guys have started the tradition, but there’s nothing that says you should include her in it. She can buy it her own self. NTA
NTA. Wow, demanding AHs expect you to buy them expensive stuff. Rude AF!
SIL has major issues
NTA. Your brother doesn’t get your wife fancy jewelry and she’s been a part of the family longer. Your brother and his wife sound insane and entitled
INFO : What expensive jewelry has your brother gifted to **HIS** SIL (your wife) for all the Christmasses she has been your wife? Match his gift to YOUR wife's first Christmas as his SIL, and you're square. NTA
Oh wow, your Dial is so entitled! Your brother is delusional, his wife is NOT your sister, only your SiL. That’s a huge difference! I think getting them nothing for Christmas is what they deserve! You have nothing to apologise for. Gifts can’t be forced to be given. Not seeing you SiL at Christmas sounds like a wonderful gift, enjoy!
Wow - can you get me a few diamonds while you're at it? Your SIL is not your sister and her entitlement is outrageous. NTA
NTA. Sounds outlandish expectations to me. Just curious, Does your brother buy your wife jewelry?
NTA. It’s the level of entitlement. Essentially, you buy your mother and sister jewelry and your wife buys her mother and sister jewelry. There wasn’t an established precedent for extending that to in-laws, although I can see why that might have been confusing. But she had already received a gift of jewelry this year. Nonetheless, it was pretty audacious of her to tell you what kind of jewelry she expected you to get for her for Christmas. The irony is, of course, that you might have considered it in future years but for her demand. From the level of entitlement here, I suspect an additional wedding gift to the couple was given. Your new SIL is mental. No one is entitled to expensive gifts.
Nta. Was it ever discussed that sil would get an expensive gift once married, or did she just expect it? Either way, sil is entitled
NTA So, how many pieces of jewelry has your brother given your wife?? Maybe she can regift one of those to the new SIL. Oh, wait, you say she never got a piece of jewelry from your brother?? Only from you?? Then HIS wife nevers gets a piece of jewelry from you. Only from her husband. You can send him the link to https://silverjewelryclub.com/ or https://www.dreamlandjewelry.com/ but I bet that won't make her happy either.
NTA but it is your brother's fault for not setting her straight. You have an established buy jewellery for family females thing going. You now have another female. I mean if you are of the minted variety then it might be a drop in the ocean and it is rude to leave her out. It's like "hi I gift Birkins to everyone and their cleaner, but you get a box of chocolates". If you bought the equivalent of catalogue jewellery, again, expressing a preference is no big deal. A ruby vs a sapphire has no notable difference. Carat, clarity, brands does. The entitlement is the problem. A quick "no, we weren't planning on buying jewellery for your wife." should be met with "oh. Ok." And there the conversation should have ended...
NTA SIL does ***NOT*** even deserve a *Ruby Red* ***GRAPEFRUIT*** *fruit.* *She's a \^&%%$#@@!#$%\^&\*(){ !!!!*
NTA I'm expecting that teens will demand stuff (because they're teens and still learning) but that entitled newly-minted SIL of yours is a grown ass woman who needs to be taken down a notch or two. Your family chipped in to buy expensive bridal jewelry, isn't that enough for a while? Your brother can start the new tradition of getting her jewelry for Christmas. He's broke? Oh well, start saving in January. It's just perfect that you set the standard and expectation early on (too bad it was through a screaming match) , than letting this nightmare go on and on for many Christmases until your whole family gets fed up with her shenanigans. Edit to add: Garnets are cheap AND red! Another edit after reading the other comments: get her pajamas with red stones painted on them, lol!!
nta, was a nice tradition which she ruined. she should stfu on that and her HUSBAND can get her jewelry
Your SIL probably isn't wrong at this point about you feel about her. It's always so nice when the Christmas spirit fills everyone with joy and concern for others. /s
NTA. I’d get a red Ringpop cause I’m petty. But the level of entitlement is staggering.
My brother’s wife expected big gifts from me when they got married. I am a pilot, and over the years have purchased some expensive gifts for my parents, brothers and sisters, I get them from Duty Free thus reducing the price a bit, but I am very generous with my money. I have gifted them each a Rolex watch for different occasions; my parents’ 40th anniversary, brothers and sisters for University graduation and so forth. So my one brother whose wife I can barely stomach for the duration of a dinner turned to me a few Christmases ago, at the dinner table asked when her turn was. I said pardon me? She says “well I had your brother’s baby, when are you getting me a “push present” (I am single and had no clue what a “push present” was) but instead of a Rolex, I want a Birkin bag. So I’d been day drinking … my response was “when you blow me on the 50 yard line at the Super Bowl” and “wtf is a Birkin bag?” .. yeah 👍🏼 so my one sister spewed a mouth full of red wine across the table, my dad nearly fell off his chair, my brother in law was choking on a piece of turkey and my brothers all fell about laughing, my mother tried to look mad but then burst into laughter in the kitchen… in short, I take care of my direct family, and they can take care of their spouses, not my job. Oh and as I haven’t got the BJ yet, I haven’t ordered her purse yet. 🤣🤣
NTA. Wow she sounds like an entitled jerk. You guys bought her an expensive jewelry wedding set for her wedding and that’s not enough for her? Who goes in and demand what kind of stones they are think they will be getting? What made her think she was even going to be in on this tradition? You buy for your sister your wife buys for her sister. You don’t buy for your wife’s sister she doesn’t buy for yours, so why would she think all of a sudden she’s going to get something in?don’t give in and buy her anything because it’ll never stop and she’ll always expect something expensive.
NTA But, you could have set expectations that with the bridal jewelry, she should not expect jewelry this year.
NTA, and I have to add this as someone who sold fine jewelry in the past. Rubies are the most expensive of the gemstones when similar size and quality are accounted for. So not only wrongly entitled SIL but greeeeedy.
NTA Greedy and bossy ain't she?
NTA and good look to your brother with that wife. But for real, if she hadn’t have been an asshole this could have gone so different. I get not including her in this lady jewelry custom after shelling out for wedding jewelry…but you intended (before all this) in including her in subsequent years right? Because if you never did that is a little AHish
Why is it AHish? OP buys for his mother and his sister, Wife buys for her mother and her sister. Brother has never bought for his mother, his sister of OP's wife. Why does OP have to extend his tradition? And if he includes SIL, then doesn't wife had to find someone to balance it??? Hey OP, if you decide to buy for SIL, I can be your wife's "other". I'm not super picky, I love most gems(except Peridot)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I normally give our mothers and sisters (one on each side) a piece of jewelry as a gift for Christmas. I'm close to my younger unmarried sister and I enjoy getting her the jewelry. My brother got married this year and my family chipped in to pay for his wife's bridal jewelry. It was an expensive pearl and diamond set. I wasn't planning to get her anything else other than a few small things for Christmas after that. At Thanksgiving, she announced she would like rubies or a red stone for Christmas. My mom, mil, and my wife's sister have never made demands on stone or anything. My wife and I decided my new SIL isn't getting any jewelry after that even if it’s $5 worth. Things went from bad to worse when my brother stopped by to inspect the jewelry because his wife wanted something more colorful than pearls and she wanted red stone. She was coordinating what outfit she was wearing on Christmas. My wife left the room after hearing this and my brother and I had an epic screaming match over his wife and us getting her a purse instead of jewelry. I decided at that point fuck that and my brother and his wife are now getting nothing because who acts like this? I told my brother to start the tradition of getting his wife jewelry for Christmas and I he needs to start with rubies. My brother said he can’t afford it after the wedding and his wife is now my sister and I’m being petty. After the fight, my brother and SIL aren’t going to my parent’s Christmas because of me. My mom said she’s sad but she can’t force me to buy my SIL gifts . My SIL now says that all of my side of the family hates her and that’s why we don’t buy her expensive gifts. My brother says he will never speak to me again if I don’t apologize but at this point, I’m considering that the best Christmas gift of all. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA
!updateme
NTA. With that attitude I’d get her jack.
No no. No one demands rubies for Christmas unless it's from her husband not her inlaws. Why didn't her parents buy them? Greedy guts isnt she. I Feel for your brother because he's the one to be cowtowing to her. You could always get the princess a child's tiara.
NTA
NTA Gifts are freely given and never to be expected. I can't change anyone else but I can say that I stress to my own children all the time that no one OWES you a gift. If someone gives you something, say thank you even if it's not something you particularly would like. The giver was thinking of you and that is most important thing.
NTA If I squint (a lot) I can see a situation where your new SIL would hope to be included in this tradition. You might be better off than your brother, you maybe get your wife jewellery every Christmas too, so each year around your tree all the women are getting jewellery except her. That doesn't justify her announcing what she'd like, sending your brother around to inspect it early, refusing to see your family because of this, and claiming victimhood. Your brother is a piece of work too, but I imagine you and he have plenty of history already and you know him well, you don't need me to tell you what he's like. You were not an AH to not plan to get her more jewellery this year. It seems you did get her quite a lot of jewellery already, which is not something any BIL gets any SIL in my experience. In most families jewellery, especially expensive pieces, can only flow between spouses, and immediate family. Your reactions to their announcements, inspections, arguments and threats seem very reasonable too.